We are told to set boundaries - yet in the same time our actions or any kind of anger expression (as something that we are being told must be fixed in order to be perfect and safe) begets domino effect and butterfly effect and thus boomerang effect. It backfires.
Then we lack definitions and our conclusions are twisted - for example, there is difference between resentment and grudge. We need to resent something in order to be healthy - we need to learn and know what we dislike, which means to know what angers us - and only then we will know what to avoid and what not to repeat ourselves which is bad and toxic and not always observable on the surface easily. Evil is oftentimes covert and appears friendly, it mirrors our desires, needs, wishes, likes to get us hooked - we are groomed into befriending evil. If we do not know what is toxic, we will re-create it. Grudge is having a long term resentment, anger that is not processed nor resolved - which does not serve any purpose, it rots inside. If we decide that all grudge is wrong, we will over-prune ourselves. If we allow grudge to stay inside, we will over-grown ourselves in jungle of hatred. The aim is that we have garden - to shape it and create it in lovely garden.
Accepting yin yang dynamics, the reason why evil exists - is of course the free will given to people. However there is another reason - if I had no problems, I would never contact, I would never seek deeper knowledge from other people. I would not be able to recognize there are deeper dimensions. And I would not be able to detect toxic people at all - without learning about them and how they truly operate. So there is bigger picture when you step back. And then social anxiety is not something to change - in fact it is something to enhance and upgrade, integrate in daily life - make it part of my persona and Self, member that will help me to make wiser decisions. I won't waste time and energy trying to get rid of it and hide it.
When I accept anxiety as Darwinism and evolution - ability to detect fake and toxic people beforehand, and when I know what trauma made me shovel down the parts of child self that I need to make social contact with people who are less intelligent, less of an adult, less sensitive - I will be left with toxic people or better term, External Factor. It is the question how to deal with evil people, difficult people, people who are not toxic but behave toxically, people who are toxic and behave toxically, people who appear friendly and behave toxically, sprinkled with honeymoon periods to lure in the targets.
So ability to detect toxic people I feel as anxiety - and this makes it easy to miss the red flags, since I will observe anxiety as illness and something to reject and ignore.
Ability to detect toxic people - skill that is inside me - I need to let it grow and exist, instead of suppressing it.
Another task is to focus on living my life - what interests me and to follow ideas which will spring up much easily once I balance my kids and adult parts of Self, Perona and personality. The task is connected to dysregulation and regulation, that I understand what and who will dysregulate me - and that I do not take it personally. This is connected to allowing myself to feel anger and resentment. When I cover up resentment, it festers. I believe it is not inside me, but it wrecks havoc once it is suppressed, like caged animal in panic. I am not machine, I will feel threatened when someone is aggressive and traumatic.
Without understanding child self, I would not understand why some people are mad, and why it bothers me - why I take it too personally, too seriously and I can't shake it off. This is because I am convinced that they are logical and grown up. The knowing about Persona is valuable information, too - that people make up persona to deal with social life. Funny that I did not learn this from any self help book or any online resource about social anxiety. It is not seeing wood or a tree in a forest.
And another valuable understanding is knowing the evil - why it exists, why God allows evil to exist, which bothered Mark Twain and Greek philosophers. It is not because I must fight it - I can't. Yin Yang means that there will be good and bad times - the point is that I need contrast to know what is good and then I can choose good in the future.
These are main outlines that I learned about social anxiety in the past 6 months.
When I learn something new, I also ask the obvious question - why I did not know this earlier? What blocks me from seeing the new truth?
As I see it - it is my own focus and desire to find the answer. I see dysregulation and making decisions about urgent matters, that are connected to someone's anger if I don't, as the motor that prevents me from focusing. So once again, I return to the issue of toxic people, toxic environment. I prune myself all the time - but I do nothing about toxic people and toxic habits and toxic environment.
Manipulation is the main problem. Where I define and perceive people in the wrong way due to inability to see the reality. I know now that this is due to internalized toxic shame and False Self.
CPTSD Foundation, TWITTER:
Surviving a childhood with hawkish or toxic parents who infantilized us or criticized our every move can have us feeling like impostors in adulthood.
This article looks at impostor syndrome and how survivors can heal by practising self-compassion. https://buff.ly/3OLJXDk
Insult, aggression, and the southern culture of honor: an "experimental ethnography"
Three experiments examined how norms characteristic of a "culture of honor" manifest themselves in the cognitions, emotions, behaviors, and physiological reactions of southern White males. Participants were University of Michigan students who grew up in the North or South. In 3 experiments they were insulted by a confederate who bumped into the participant and called him an "asshole". Compared with northerners--who were relatively unaffected by the insult--southerners were (a) more likely to think their masculine reputation was threatened, (b) more upset (as shown by a rise in cortisol levels), (c) more physiologically primed for aggression (as shown by a rise in testosterone levels), (d) more cognitively primed for aggression, and (e) more likely to engage in aggressive and dominant behavior. Findings highlight the insult-aggression cycle in cultures of honor, in which insults diminish a man's reputation and he tries to restore his status by aggressive or violent behavior.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8656339/
 |
| Introducing Evolutionary Psychology: A Graphic Guide, Dylan Evans, Oscar Zarate |
Introducing Evolutionary Psychology: A Graphic Guide, Dylan Evans, Oscar Zarate
behaviour is not caused by thoughts, but by external stimuli
For hundreds of years, people in the West thought that adaptations were an
irrefutable proof of the existence of God. William Paley (1743-1805). In his book, Natural
Theology (1802), he compared adaptations like eyes or wings to complex
machines designed by humans, such as clocks and watches.
The British biologist Richard Dawkins (b. 1941) has
compared natural selection to a “blind watchmaker".
it is blind because it doesn’t produce these
designs by conscious foresight, but simply by accumulating a series of random
accidents.
cognitive psychology tells us that the mind exhibits a very complex design. evolutionary biology tells us that complex designs in nature can only come about by natural selection. therefore, the design
of the mind must have evolved by a process of natural selection.
In 1983, the American philosopher and psychologist Jerry Fodor (b. 1935) reached a stunning conclusion. the mind could not possibly be a single, general-purpose program. instead, it has to be a collection of many special-purpose programs each with its own rules.
According to evolutionary psychology, the various mental modules are
adaptations designed by natural selection. Every adaptation is designed to solve
an adaptive problem. An adaptive problem is something that an organism needs
to solve in order to survive and reproduce.
Avoiding predators is a very important problem from the genes’ point of view.
What would a predator-avoidance module look like? It would have to be able to
detect possible predators, distinguish those that were real dangers from those that
weren’t, and – in the case of real dangers – trigger avoidant or defensive
behaviours.
The first module in the predator-avoidance system would detect possible
predators. With any detection system, however, there is a trade-off between
accuracy and speed. Think of a burglar alarm.
The more accurate the alarm is, the slower it is. Conversely, if you want a faster
alarm, you will have to put up with a higher rate of false alarms.
If it is a question of detecting predators, a false alarm causes you to waste energy by running away
from something that is not in fact a danger. A slow detector, however, can cause you to be eaten. So it is better to have a fast system that occasionally gives false alarms than a slow system that is always accurate. So we should expect the predator-detection module to be fast and inaccurate rather than slow and precise.
Today, however, we have supermarkets and fast-food
restaurants to cater for our evolved tastes. Fat and sugar are no longer difficult to
find.
We were designed to live in such a different environment, and this
“environmental mismatch” is the source of many current problems.
For our ancestors, forming alliances and friendships was just as vital as eating
the right food. Those who lacked the ability to form alliances and friendships
were in as much danger as those who lacked the ability to detect predators.
there is always a risk that one of the members of the alliance may take the benefits without paying the costs i may accept favours from the other members of the alliance and never return them.
This is known as the “freerider” problem and it is the fundamental adaptive
problem posed by group living.
undetected, the freerider will obviously be more successful at surviving and reproducing than the public-spirited suckers.
eventually, everyone will be a freerider.
But then, no one will be helping anyone else. Alliances will disintegrate and
group-living will no longer be possible.
organisms can remember how those they have met before have treated them on previous encounters.
Freeriders who have refused to do return favours can be punished by refusing to
do any more favours for them.
how much have they done for me? how much i have done for them?
in order to keep a mental tally, we must have some way of working out the value of the favours that others do for us. there must be some way of comparing this with the value of the favours that we do
for others.
The social accounting modules must consider all these details.
nature is full of examples of animals that provide help to other animals from whom they cannot expect any repayment. and humans are no exception.
We have seen that the various modules for social exchange evolved to help our
primate ancestors solve the freerider problem.
But the increasing size of these groups posed a problem in itself – a
problem which was solved by learning how to “mind-read”.
Mind-reading
involves guessing what people are thinking on the basis of observing their
actions and their words.
Lacking a fully-developed Theory of Mind, they cannot comprehend the notion that other
people can hold beliefs that are different from their own. They assume that
everyone believes what they believe.
In order to lie, you must first understand that other people can hold different beliefs from yours. And those beliefs can be false.
Only then can you attempt to manipulate another person into holding a false belief.
natural selection would have favoured those of us who were good at detecting liars – and the liars would have been eliminated.
our capacities for deductive reasoning may belong to a module that evolved specifically for detecting cheats.
just because humans do in fact have an evolved tendency to favour relatives over non-relatives does not mean that nepotism is good. evolutionary psychology describes what human nature is like – it
does not prescribe what humans should do.
Arguing that something is good because it is natural is called the “naturalistic
fallacy”. It is based on the mistaken idea that you can deduce moral lessons from
observing nature.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
The person you're facing is a mere mortal, no different from you.
Rakesh Valand, TWITTER:
Mistakes are proof that you are trying.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
The older you get, the more you mind your own business and leave people alone with whatever version of you they've created in their minds.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Information is useless unless you know how to interpret it.
conspiracybot, TWITTER:
The greatest prison people live in, is the fear of what other people think.
Socrates, TWITTER:
An honest man is always a child.
Nikola Tesla Bot, TWITTER:
Be alone, that is the secret of invention; be alone, that is when ideas are born.
Socrates, TWITTER:
If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be content to take their own and depart.
Mia Farrow, TWITTER:
Hatred is not a mental illness
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
Loyalty doesn't require conformity. If consensus is wrong, you have an obligation to disagree.
Weak leaders demand deference. Strong leaders welcome dissent.
Being a team player is not about sacrificing your values for a group. It’s about acting in service of the greater good.
Mark Manson, TWITTER:
You will attract people of similar emotional maturity into your life. You will repel those who are more mature and be repelled by those who are less.
"In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty." —Ralph Waldo Emerson
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
Not having an opinion is not a sign of ignorance or indifference. It's often a mark of an open mind.
The more complex and consequential the issue, the more critical thinking depends on suspending judgment.
A key to learning is gathering information without forming a conclusion.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Our successes and failures in life can be traced to how well or how badly we deal with the inevitable conflicts that confront us in society.
Psychology Call, TWITTER:
Psychology says, no matter how good a person you are, you are evil in someone’s story.
psychology of mind, TWITTER:
Be around people who respect your healthy boundaries.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
If we experience any failures or setbacks, we do not forget them because they offend our self-esteem. Instead, we reflect on them deeply, trying to figure out what went wrong and discern whether there are any patterns to our mistakes.
Control is a dangerous thing. And errors, errors are what is the real expression of the individual. Because if Picasso puts an eye where it shouldn't be, one sees it more clearly that if placed where it should be.
Jean Cocteau
https://youtube.com/watch?v=Vr77MD5PFKA
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
People cannot defend themselves against what they cannot foresee.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Your character creates what happens to you in life— Character is fate.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Sometimes you don't realize how dysfunctional your family are until someone is shocked by something you've normalized.
Jenna Zwagil, TWITTER:
Removing yourself from places you don't feel loved, valued or respected is top tier self-care.
Wise Chimp, TWITTER:
Not overexplaining yourself is self-care.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Your mental health is more important than their feelings.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us, but those who win battles we know nothing about.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
You’ll never be criticized by someone who is doing more than you. You will always be criticized by someone who is due in less than you. Keep that in mind.
Mind Haste ⚡️, TWITTER:
You can solve a lot of problems by reacting less.
Mind Haste ⚡️, TWITTER:
Don't worry, the right ones won't leave.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Operating with a high sense of purpose is a force multiplier.
 |
| Giotto._Stigmatization_of_St_Francis._314x162cm._Louvre,_Paris |
Stigma may affect the behavior of those who are stigmatized. Those who are stereotyped often start to act in ways that their stigmatizers expect of them. It not only changes their behavior, but it also shapes their emotions and beliefs.[5] Members of stigmatized social groups often face prejudice that causes depression (i.e. deprejudice).[6] These stigmas put a person's social identity in threatening situations, such as low self-esteem. Because of this, identity theories have become highly researched. Identity threat theories can go hand-in-hand with labeling theory.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_stigma
Social stigma
Labeling theory posits that self-identity and the behavior of individuals may be determined or influenced by the terms used to describe or classify them. It is associated with the concepts of self-fulfilling prophecy and stereotyping. Labeling theory holds that deviance is not inherent in an act, but instead focuses on the tendency of majorities to negatively label minorities or those seen as deviant from standard cultural norms.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labeling_theory
Labeling theory
In psychology, an attribution bias or attributional bias is a cognitive bias that refers to the systematic errors made when people evaluate or try to find reasons for their own and others' behaviors.[1][2][3] People constantly make attributions—judgements and assumptions about why people behave in certain ways. However, attributions do not always accurately reflect reality. Rather than operating as objective perceivers, people are prone to perceptual errors that lead to biased interpretations of their social world.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attribution_bias
Attribution bias
Attribute substitution, also known as substitution bias, is a psychological process thought to underlie a number of cognitive biases and perceptual illusions. It occurs when an individual has to make a judgment (of a target attribute) that is computationally complex, and instead substitutes a more easily calculated heuristic attribute.[1] This substitution is thought of as taking place in the automatic intuitive judgment system, rather than the more self-aware reflective system. Hence, when someone tries to answer a difficult question, they may actually answer a related but different question, without realizing that a substitution has taken place. This explains why individuals can be unaware of their own biases, and why biases persist even when the subject is made aware of them. It also explains why human judgments often fail to show regression toward the mean.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attribute_substitution
Attribute substitution
Inattentional blindness or perceptual blindness (rarely called inattentive blindness) occurs when an individual fails to perceive an unexpected stimulus in plain sight, purely as a result of a lack of attention rather than any vision defects or deficits. When it becomes impossible to attend to all the stimuli in a given situation, a temporary "blindness" effect can occur, as individuals fail to see unexpected but often salient objects or stimuli.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inattentional_blindness
Inattentional blindness
The neglect of probability, a type of cognitive bias, is the tendency to disregard probability when making a decision under uncertainty and is one simple way in which people regularly violate the normative rules for decision making. Small risks are typically either neglected entirely or hugely overrated. The continuum between the extremes is ignored. The term probability neglect was coined by Cass Sunstein.[1]
There are many related ways in which people violate the normative rules of decision making with regard to probability including the hindsight bias, the neglect of prior base rates effect, and the gambler's fallacy. However, this bias is different, in that, rather than incorrectly using probability, the actor disregards it.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neglect_of_probability
Neglect of probability
In social theory, framing is a schema of interpretation, a collection of anecdotes and stereotypes, that individuals rely on to understand and respond to events.[2] In other words, people build a series of mental "filters" through biological and cultural influences. They then use these filters to make sense of the world. The choices they then make are influenced by their creation of a frame.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Framing_(social_sciences)
Framing (social sciences)
The hypothesis of linguistic relativity, also known as the Sapir–Whorf hypothesis /səˌpɪər ˈwɔːrf/, the Whorf hypothesis, or Whorfianism, is a principle suggesting that the structure of a language affects its speakers' worldview or cognition, and thus people's perceptions are relative to their spoken language.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Linguistic_relativity
Linguistic relativity
Bounded rationality is the idea that rationality is limited when individuals make decisions, and under these limitations, rational individuals will select a decision that is satisfactory rather than optimal.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bounded_rationality
Bounded rationality
Social heuristics are simple decision making strategies that guide people's behavior and decisions in the social environment when time, information, or cognitive resources are scarce.[1] Social environments tend to be characterised by complexity and uncertainty, and in order to simplify the decision making process, people may use heuristics, which are decision making strategies that involve ignoring some information or relying on simple rules of thumb.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_heuristics
Social heuristics
Self-deception is a process of denying or rationalizing away the relevance, significance, or importance of opposing evidence and logical argument. Self-deception involves convincing oneself of a truth (or lack of truth) so that one does not reveal any self-knowledge of the deception.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-deception
Self-deception
Hypocognition, in cognitive linguistics, means missing and being unable to communicate cognitive and linguistic representations because there are no words for particular concepts.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypocognition
Hypocognition
Whorf argued that Hopi has "no words, grammatical forms, construction or expressions that refer directly to what we call 'time,'" and concluded that the Hopi had "no general notion or intuition of time as a smooth flowing continuum in which everything in the universe proceeds at equal rate, out of a future, through the present, into a past."[2] Whorf used the Hopi concept of time as a primary example of his concept of linguistic relativity, which posits that the way in which individual languages encode information about the world, influences and correlates with the cultural world view of the speakers. Whorf's relativist views fell out of favor in linguistics and anthropology in the 1960s, but Whorf's statement lived on in the popular literature often in the form of an urban myth that "the Hopi have no concept of time."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hopi_time_controversy
Hopi time controversy
A moral entrepreneur is an individual, group, or formal organization that seeks to influence a group to adopt or maintain a norm; altering the boundaries of altruism, deviance, duty or compassion.
Moral entrepreneurs take the lead in labeling a particular behaviour and spreading or popularizing this label throughout society. This can include attributing negative labels to behaviour, the removal of negative labels, positive labeling, and the removal of positive labels. The moral entrepreneur may press for the creation or enforcement of a norm for any number of reasons, altruistic or selfish. Such individuals or groups also hold the power to generate moral panic; similarly, multiple moral entrepreneurs may have conflicting goals and work to counteract each other.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moral_entrepreneur
Moral entrepreneur
A moral panic is a widespread feeling of fear, often an irrational one, that some evil person or thing threatens the values, interests, or well-being of a community or society. It is "the process of arousing social concern over an issue",[4] usually perpetuated by moral entrepreneurs and the mass media, and exacerbated by politicians and lawmakers.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moral_panic
Moral panic
Nominative determinism is the hypothesis that people tend to gravitate towards areas of work that fit their names.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nominative_determinism
Nominative determinism
The observer-expectancy effect (also called the experimenter-expectancy effect, expectancy bias, observer effect, or experimenter effect) is a form of reactivity in which a researcher's cognitive bias causes them to subconsciously influence the participants of an experiment. Confirmation bias can lead to the experimenter interpreting results incorrectly because of the tendency to look for information that conforms to their hypothesis, and overlook information that argues against it.[1] It is a significant threat to a study's internal validity, and is therefore typically controlled using a double-blind experimental design.
It may include conscious or unconscious influences on subject behavior including creation of demand characteristics that influence subjects, and altered or selective recording of experimental results themselves.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Observer-expectancy_effect
Observer-expectancy effect
Signals thus evolve because they modify the behaviour of the receiver to benefit the signaller. Signals may be honest, conveying information which usefully increases the fitness of the receiver, or dishonest. An individual can cheat by giving a dishonest signal, which might briefly benefit that signaller, at the risk of undermining the signalling system for the whole population.
The question of whether selection of signals works at the level of the individual organism or gene, or at the level of the group, has been debated by biologists such as Richard Dawkins, arguing that individuals evolve to signal and to receive signals better, including resisting manipulation.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Signalling_theory
Signalling theory
In animal communication, an alarm signal is an antipredator adaptation in the form of signals emitted by social animals in response to danger. Many primates and birds have elaborate alarm calls for warning conspecifics of approaching predators.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alarm_signal
Alarm signal
Mobbing calls may also be part of an animal's arsenal in harassing the predator. Studies of Phainopepla mobbing calls indicate it may serve to enhance the swooping attack on the predators, including scrub jays. In this species, the mobbing call is smoothly upsweeping, and is made when swooping down in an arc beside the predator.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mobbing_(animal_behavior)#Mobbing_calls
Mobbing calls
In contract theory, signalling (or signaling; see spelling differences) is the idea that one party (the agent) credibly conveys some information about itself to another party (the principal).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Signalling_(economics)
Signalling (economics)
Stigma management is the process of concealing or disclosing aspects of one's identity to minimize social stigma.
When a person receives unfair treatment or alienation due to a social stigma, the effects can be detrimental. Social stigmas are defined as any aspect of an individual's identity that is devalued in a social context.[2] These stigmas can be categorized as visible or invisible, depending on whether the stigma is readily apparent to others. Visible stigmas refer to characteristics such as race, age, gender, physical disabilities, or deformities, whereas invisible stigmas refer to characteristics such sexual orientation, gender identity, religious affiliation, early pregnancy, certain diseases, or mental illnesses.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stigma_management
Stigma management
The handicap principle is a hypothesis proposed by Amotz Zahavi to explain how evolution may lead to "honest" or reliable signalling between animals which have an obvious motivation to bluff or deceive each other.[1][2][3] It suggests that costly signals must be reliable signals, costing the signaller something that could not be afforded by an individual with less of a particular trait. For example, in sexual selection, the theory suggests that animals of greater biological fitness signal this status through handicapping behaviour, or morphology that effectively lowers this quality. The central idea is that sexually selected traits function like conspicuous consumption, signalling the ability to afford to squander a resource. Receivers then know that the signal indicates quality, because inferior quality signallers are unable to produce such wastefully extravagant signals.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handicap_principle
Handicap principle
Impression management is a conscious or subconscious process in which people attempt to influence the perceptions of other people about a person, object or event by regulating and controlling information in social interaction.[1] It was first conceptualized by Erving Goffman in 1959 in The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life, and then was expanded upon in 1967.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impression_management
Impression management
Virtue signalling is a pejorative term for the expression of a moral viewpoint with the intent of communicating good character.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virtue_signalling
Virtue signalling
Social norms differ throughout society and between cultures. A certain act or behaviour may be viewed as deviant and receive sanctions or punishments within one society and be seen as a normal behaviour in another society. Additionally, as a society's understanding of social norms changes over time, so too does the collective perception of deviance.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deviance_(sociology)
Deviance (sociology)
Victim blaming occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially at fault for the harm that befell them.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_blaming
Victim blaming
Attentional control refers to an individual's capacity to choose what they pay attention to and what they ignore. In lay terms, attentional control can be described as an individual's ability to concentrate.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attentional_control
Attentional control
Selective attention refers to the processes that allow an individual to select and focus on particular input for further processing while simultaneously suppressing irrelevant or distracting information.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3375497/
Selective attention
 |
| It takes a long time to develop a skill, while life is short. |
“Try something different with clients,” Porges tells clinicians. “Tell clients who were traumatized that they should celebrate their body’s responses, even if the profound physiological and behavioral states they experienced in past, are now limiting their ability to function in current social situations. Those bodily responses enable them to survive under the trauma, often as children. It reduced some of the injury. If they were oppositional during an aggressive traumatic event such as rape, they could have been killed.
“So tell them to celebrate how their body responded — instead of making them feel guilty that their body is failing them when they want to be social –and see what happens.
https://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/porges-polyvagal3/
Stephen Porges: Social Engagement Heals
 |
| Queen Isabel II, veiled, 1855 C by Camillo Torreggiani Transparent veil over our face that distorts reality |
(28.7.2022)
I have noticed that when in social situation, when someone is talking - especially when I disagree with them, I tend to sink into their story, their viewpoint and I completely forget the knowledge and information that I have. I think this is part of codependency issues and when I have nothing to retort. I remember perhaps days later what I was suppose to say. I need to be aware of this phenomena whenever I meet someone, it is part of social issues that can intertwine with social anxiety. It is literal brainwashing. No wonder I end up with external referencing.
If I avoid making mistakes - I will not be able to do anything, no action. If I listen to other's criticism, I will start avoid going out. This means - to be perfect, to be absolutely good is wrong - it leads to immobility and being passive. Making mistakes is part of any process. Making mistakes means being bad sometimes, not doing it correctly and I might be perceived as wrong - whereas action is being equated with character, which is toxic shame. So - toxic shame stems from the desire to be god, to be absolutely good. Desire not to make mistake is mental illness and it creates neurosis. There has to be good and bad - yin and yang. Then admitting imperfections and being vulnerable is the key. And toxic person is the one that ashames the mistakes. Soon I can turn into toxic person if I go onto Crusade and nitpick and criticize those who appear wrong, mistaken, delusional.
If social anxiety is ability to detect toxic people and wrong actions at the smallest minute before they grow into large problem due to butterfly effect - it means that I can learn how to express my opinion without drama, explosions or withdrawal and self censorship.
I see retort as one lesson to learn from social anxiety. With social fears we are incapable to handle difficult and abnormal, asocial people. We do not know what to say, how to react and what to feel - other than self blame and toxic shame and irrational guilt for ever experiencing such people, even when they are fictitious or a memory from the past, long time gone. Retort tells us that we voice out the evil - when spoken to, when accused - since due to guilt and shame we won't be able to perform self-advocacy. So retort comes down to scientifically evaluating the abuse, their wrongdoing so it can be clearly defined. This inability to clearly define the abuse is causing social anxiety. Then this is connected to ability to have money to support yourself when you relocate from toxic ambient that will never change.
One example of retort is learned helplessness- when we are abused and criticized - we will learn to shut up and wait for orders and commands from others who appear as superior and competent. If we decide to do anything - it will be subjugated to criticism and attack. It is double binding situation. On one hand if I am passive and do nothing - I will be labelled as weak and incompetent and passive. If I do something, my mistakes will be pointed out, I will be labelled as idiot, or someone who done somehow harm. During toxic shaming, I will try to correct my behaviour and thoughts - creating more trauma and invalidation and toxic shame - and I will never see and perceive that doing something beats learned helplessness, where learned helplessness means waiting out for others to rescue me or take care of me or that I need to depend on others to lead and manage life problems. Abuser, especially when there is sadistic accent - will never acknowledge the independence and mistakes as part of life - instead such mentally ill person will belittle and project toxic shame onto their target. I see in such situations the retort as the only weapon that can deflect the unreasonable and incorrect statements and give sense of worth, instead of feeling toxic shame for making a mistake or perceived harm to other people along the way.
Social anxiety is inability to differentiate between a mere criticism that might not even be critic not critical, a bully and psychopath sadists. These three are lump together as one of the same threat - and there is no reflex, no natural response, no working solution to any of these, neither as separate phenomena nor as one entity of threat.
Also I lump the attachment to this one single threat: it is splitting between I must be good and nice person or I must hate the threat, where the solution is: "to be able to have difficult conversations, disagreeing with others without hating them."
CBT is also lumping the act of labeling someone as toxic as being hateful to them. This merging is serious issue for social anxiety, trauma, abuse and CBT. There is a lot of fusing and lumping different elements together, binding them, that need separation.
I see criticism as great clue to disorder that is behind social anxiety and trauma. Since there was relentless criticism 24/7 - now this is festered into a deep wound, it manifests as resentment. And this is why social anxiety appears as narcissism to someone who observes it from afar - the survivor of abuse appears self involved and unforgiving - the traits of narcissist. This is why there is a message of forgivence and that is why resentment is seen as disorder maker. But this is double binding - the resentment is needed to know what is wrong. If we stifle it down for the sake of getting rid of it, it will still be there, and thus it will fester. Resentment will still create damage and disorder. The same way with criticism, whereas criticism and resentment is fused into one entity, automatic criticism is perceived as resentment. This way, criticism can manipulate us so easily, that is what criticism makes it so hypnotic. Therefore, whenever we speak about social anxiety, I would put in front the toxic shame that is in the background, as hidden factor. There is resentment hidden also, and it is injected with each criticism into the mind and without healthy model, our brain is creating the disorder. Once again, I would repeat - that social anxiety is not the problem itself. It is symptom of trauma. The true problem is being exposed to invalidation while growing up and inability to handle criticism, how to retort in correct manner and how not to care when there is no real danger. With trauma, any criticism will be perceived as danger and it will bind with resentment automatically, without us being aware of it. This resentment as factor will produce distorted thoughts - as safety mechanism against perceived danger. To make it more complex, there are predatory types of personalities who really are dangerous and we need to know how to recognize them and how to retort in healthy manner. With trauma we will lump non-dangerous and dangerous people together. CBT will go to one extreme and claim that there is no danger at all - and this way it will add to invalidation and that way CBT will be re-traumatizing the survivors of abuse.
Our only weapon against becoming narcissist is clear intent to know the truth. The way how to retort to dangerous predatory people will require certain levels of healthy narcissism, and this will be very confusing to traumatized survivors who were programmed to be nice and good and dependent on other people, trauma bonded to people who appear superior and competent.
I see resentment connected to ego or to be more exact - false self. And this is result of toxic shame inside, false self, simulation of self. Inability to be rooted in self worth, the deep core belief I am competent to handle life and issues in life. Without toxic shame, resentment would be impulse, it would not last much longer. With toxic shame I feel threatened since there is imposter inside. Without trauma programming and without toxic shame I would perceive criticism more clearly - I would be able to differentiate between harmless facts which are clearly wrong and biased - in relation to someone who is mentally ill, angry, having issues with mood swings and being unable to control anger outbursts.
It seems to me that this resentment is the cause of my inability to detach when someone is rude. That is why rude people seem to leech and stay stuck in my mind as intrusive thought and feeling of danger. Resentment urges me to defend my ego and it makes me narcissistic, as if I am important in the eyes of others, thus it thwarts my reality and I feel ashamed when someone is critical or disapproving of my actions, thoughts and opinions. Without it, I can simply say I disagree with you without caring what they say back, there is no further reaction - since it really does not matter. With resentment this task is impossible - I care too much what the critic thinks and I perceive it as the ultimate truth which is painful and toxic shame tells me I must defend against.
This aspect of social life - that we have ability to risk being misunderstood if proof that CBT is wrong therapy for social anxiety - since CBT totally ignores this crucial factor of social fears: that we might say something "wrong" - that is, that might be perceived as aggression or embarrassment from other people, due to their bias and prejudices, lower IQ and their inability to listen to others. Fear of criticism will make us shut up and never express our own thoughts - which are probably more intelligent and more precise than others - which will cause the stir amongst people with lower IQ. If we decide to shut up and not defend ourselves - this will soon turn into avoidance and more of social anxiety. So ability to retort is crucial for social anxiety. It has nothing to do with being assertive - since assertive means expressing your needs. This is not about needs - this is about ability to interact with people and express our own thoughts and opinions about what is seen. Some people will interpret it as personal attack onto them - and if we shut up and do not have ability to explain, we will start to self-censor ourselves, in order not to rock the boat. With trauma the first thing that is destroyed is our ability to self-express ourselves, to speak our own mind and voice out the elephant in the room. Due to our empathy we will conclude it is best not to cause pain and hurt to others (which they express through yelling and temper tantrums) as the result to our opinions - so our own empathy and inability to differentiate between being truthful and being rude will cause us to shut up and self-censor and create social anxiety issues. Other people will explain through Ad Hominem that we are freaks and toxically ashame us into silence. This must be retorted immediately - if nothing else at least inside our mind, so that we do not feel guilt and shame for their unreasonable anger and blame shifting.
With trauma I learn to shut up and I do not explain my thoughts and opinions. This is crucial factor of social anxiety that is not examined by CBT or any social anxiety resource. I am talking about our ability to process information in innovative and different manner - so that most people cannot process it, so they jump to quick conclusions, biases and prejudices - which causes their inappropriate reaction to the information given to them. Then we might conclude that we are wrong, and toxic shame is born - when repeated enough times in regular intervals. That is why anyone with social anxiety must have strong self worth - to defend and deflect toxic shame which will come as reaction to the truth spoken out.
Then the projection will happen - other people's inability to handle criticism will be transferred onto intelligent people and social anxiety will be born - self censorship and toxic shame mixed into one entity. I would center ability to self express as the ultimate retort - that I keep on speaking up no matter what other people protest or nag about. I will stop and self sabotage myself as explanation that I must spare other people's feelings. They are not hurt, they are stupid. It seems as if they are hurting, they are just being dumb. I confuse their anger as thinking that I am hurting them - so with social anxiety I will become people pleaser and pushover and stay silent when accused of untrue allegations.
These allegations are crucial for social anxiety. It is the fear of criticism and negative evaluation that makes social anxiety biggest fear - and my claim is that criticism and negative evaluation is coming from the toxic, narcissistic person in the first place. Someone toxic who cannot handle criticism themselves and it is someone who feels threatened at slightest hint of being criticized - I believe this is what we are having reaction to. And then we are being labelled as over-sensitive, due to gaslighting, projection and blame shifting. That is the reason why it is crucial to document the abuse and keep track of toxic people's wrongdoings, they need to be faced with their own doings that starts the chaos which is later transferred to easy targets: someone traumatized and pushed into subservience, without self advocacy abilities.
Toxic environment plays also crucial role in re-traumatizing and setting off triggers and dysregulation. It is being in the distorted system: anything you attempt will be futile, since the system is corrupt. This is the reason why cutting contact and relocation is the best way to handle social anxiety. And due to codependency issues as toxic shame and inferiority complex - this is the hardest thing to do, and staying inside the trap is the central problem.
CBT labels social anxiety as illness and danger - but CBT relies on socially anxious person to report their feelings, emotions and perceptions about anxiety. How can we know for certain that person is actually feeling anxiety and that person is making the correct assessment of their emotional state? We can't. That is over-generalization from CBT. So CBT is teaching us about cognitive distortions, while CBT is amalgam of cognitive distortions. There is a concept called unreliable narrator.
From the lens of social anxiety we can see that critical, condemning, nagging behaviour in nervous and aggressive people will make us feel social anxiety - that are actually triggers in Complex PTSD. It is important to recognize panic symptoms caused by negative, toxic people are triggers - as oppose to CBT that is leading us to self-pathologizing, claiming that other people cannot influence our emotions. They can if we were conditioned and hypnotized into codependency, lack of self love and people pleasing and fawning - where we change our behaviour and our decisions in advance in order to avoid someone's anger and criticism. That is the definition of hypnosis and conditioning. Another important aspect is related to resentment. It is natural to feel anger and hurt and pain when we become aware that we are being conditioned by someone - CBT tells us to suppress and ignore this feeling as if we might explode and thus create damage. That is why I believe CBT is invented for criminally insane, it is therapy for psychopaths in a form of self induced hologram of lobotomy, similar to Ludovico Technique from A Clockwork Orange. Truly socially anxious individuals are only innocent bystanders, collateral damage in this silent and covert process of silencing small groups of sociopaths. I would allow resentment, if we suppress it, we will cause ourselves illness, inside and outside. Resentment, the grudge, bitterness can be deluded and expressed in healthy way, we simply need to become aware of it and then process it - instead of stifling it down and pretending to be angel and good person in a world that is far from being a just world.
I see the great deceit in the form of double binding - but also there is another concept for which I yet could not find label to describe it. So I cannot grasp it yet in full. It is concept of over-generalization and black and white thinking - which CBT is covertly using. As if I am having social anxiety because I say it so. As if there is no fuzzy logic, that I might mis-label by emotions, or that they are not 100% equal to social anxiety disorder (hallucination). And it is concept where having hate is equal to rage and hell. As if I am not allowed to have love and hate in the same time - it is simply the act of joggling it, making and transforming hate into tough love. With black and white thinking, as CBT instructs us - we must expose ourselves, while in reality - if we expose ourselves to toxic ambient - we won't receive benefits of reducing fears and panics - it will become worse. If we live in slum part of city, exposing yourself to drug gangs is not smart. Thus it is better to avoid criminals and isolate ourselves from toxic people. CBT totally ignores that toxic people exist.
So I would solve this toxic people issue with fuzzy logic - that I allow myself to isolate, avoid, to not care what other people think by being blunt and honest when there is no other way, and to not repeat toxic behaviour that others are doing - which I would be doing if I do not avoid them.
If I feel anger about some jerk in store for not allowing others to reach space, if they park outside marked parking place - I cannot do anything about it. But I would acknowledge the anger, that anger is there. If I stifle it down, I will hold grudge stuck inside. If I follow CBT advice - I would feel mercy and sorrow for these arrogant and selfish people, and with time I would people please then and fawn to them, I would start being afraid of them - and that is the whole new layer of social anxiety - since CBT is repeating the trauma: CBT invalidates our feelings and emotions as insignificant, and it puts other people in authority position where we must be silent. And the worst thing is that what I seen from CBT practitioners - is that they themselves do not follow their own advice. They react to people a lot, and they are influenced by others - and they engage in unhealthy responses based on hallucination and confirmation bias. If I face them with CBT being detrimental, they label me as lunatic, troll even though they have no proof - I am not using curse words for example, I do not use Ad Hominem and I use a lot of quotes from books and people along with my own personal experience. And some of them snitch behind my back, which is passive aggressive behaviour.
This is related to the:
- Paradox of the Grain of Millet: A single grain of millet makes no sound upon falling, but a thousands grains make a sound.
- Paradox of the heap: One grain of sand is not a heap. One grain of sand is not the difference between a heap and a non-heap. If you keep taking one grain of sand away from a heap, it will eventually be just one grain of sand, which is not a heap.
At what point it cease to be a heap?
The word "heap" is too vague to have a definite point where it ceases to be a heap. If a definite number of sand grains defined it as a heap, then there would be no paradox.
- Ship of Theseus Paradox: if one plank of the Ship of Theseus has been replaces, is it still the same ship? If all the planks have been replaced, is it still the same ship?
This inability to distinguish fuzzy logic and percentages leads to hypnosis and conditioning - someone can label me with social anxiety, I can label myself with social anxiety - without actually having full blown social anxiety. Someone can criticize me and label me - and if I have in my mind definition of something, I will accept the label without realizing true reality - that I am not that label. I might have 0.05% of the properties of such label. If I am not able to evaluate precisely reality, I will end up being guided and instructed by others, I will engage in external referencing locus of control without being aware I am being part of herd mentality, group-think and conformism.
I trust for silent introverted socially anxious individuals, we have ability to detect these percentages and we were attacked, criticized and belittled when we spoke out our truth - and we ended up with toxic shame internalized - since most people jump to quick conclusions and cognitive distortions and logical fallacies, it is easier for them to operate in world that way. So basically we ended up being guided and instructed by morons and idiots who use criticizing to shut us up - while in reality it ought to be other way around. When we speak out the truth which may be hard to comprehend to silly people, they will label us as idiots and morons or even worse.
I noticed during solving mathematical circle of numbers that I can solve 95% of problem and then I will get stuck at one portion - where I won't be able to allow myself to be innovative. I will try to follow as if under hypnosis certain rules that are stuck in my head - and I noticed that thinking patterns of social anxiety as trauma works the same way. In this example I can see the importance of cortex brain, that if I can be calm and secure, I would allow myself to see the deeper pattern, I would let myself to explore. When I am stuck I think in black and I am pessimist, I see urgency and no hope - so I do not try something different. Now when I am aware of this, I can copy paste the learned perception in solving other problems too. The point is that even when I think I solved it, that I allow myself to doubt my solution, especially when there are inconsistencies.
Here I would detect the repeating patterns of numbers however I would not see the opposite numbers correspond in the whole circle:
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(4.8.2022)
I would stick and use Sorites paradox more. It makes us be focused on fuzzy logic rather than Aristotelian logic. If I decide to label something as good or bad - it is absolute. While in reality it can be described in percentages. From the social anxiety lens - this means that I do not need to reject some person because I might label this person as someone who hates me or isn't interested in me so I do not need to bother to talk with them, I can see and investigate the percentage of involvement and talk and making contact. With social anxiety I follow Aristotelian logic and I reject people automatically immediately, due to previous negative experiences with other people - which is overgeneralization. With fuzzy logic I can actually experiment and take small steps by performing and doing something new and unexpected, based on percentages of signal I get from other people. Perhaps they want to talk to me - and I can investigate this possibility, instead of cutting contact immediately due to panic, fear and discomfort that I might feel at small percentage.
One thing that I noticed is that in event post bullying, when I decided to start avoid going out and hanging around with other kids, that in rare occurrences when I did go out, I would start talking about some theme, I would express my opinion, I would say a joke - that other kids mostly did not understand it, and I would be met with You're stupid, dumb, shut up or simply ignore me. While I noticed that if some other kid said the same thing afterwards, or I would see it in the movies - others would accept it and go along with it, they would not ashame at all. I think this is programming, every time I was ashamed or ignored. Also I think this is connected to lost in translation phenomena, where I tried to communicate something that was below other people's awareness and they simply did not understand it at that particular moment. Whereas if I said it in different way, more appropriate to their IQ level or symbols and words that they use, I would be received more warmly - for example if I cursed, yelled or throw temper tantrums that do effect even outgoing and extroverted kids - external reference is not endemic for shy ones. Conformism is ailment of extroverts, even more than to introverts.
I would see social anxiety as problem with toxic environment rather than as CBT explains problem with panic symptoms. If I never was bullied and if I never was ashamed to the point where I decide to hide away from society - I would still make choices to remove myself from toxic ambient and toxic people. I would still feel the same level of being uncomfortable with someone aggressive, violent, manipulative and narcissistic. I do not see avoidance and social isolation as problem on its own. I see triggers and trauma and toxic ambient as true and only problem with social anxiety.
If I perceive someone toxic, it is mirroring myself. I hate myself too. I do not acknowledge myself. This happens because toxicity is viral, it spreads around like virus. If someone holds grudge - I will soak up the negativity and copy that pathology into myself without being aware of it that I am doing it. If there were no toxic influences, I would not spend time in hypervigilance and worry and rumination.
I noticed that toxic shame has great influence in triggers, flashbacks - it appears in the form of quick inner critic and it is hidden and camouflaged and it passes as general statement, emotional fusion. I feel it, I think it and I believe in it without doubting it. I think I am weird, unaccepted, ugly and something wrong being with me in any possible way - and then I make decision based on this belief. This way, toxic shame is controlling me. It appears in form of black thoughts. It is connected to me being inept and disgusting and others opinion is greatly magnified as ultimate judgement - and this happens quickly, without me being aware what is going on.
What I noticed with social anxiety is that there are layers - first there is panic. I do not know how to handle it. The first information available is wrong - CBT explains it as unknown distortion and this labeling makes panic worse since it ads to toxic shame. Then I learn about trauma and emotional dysregulation. This helps to regulate panic in more rational way - it is not longer fused together to my supposedly faulty character. Yet this does not help. The next issue is - what I want from life? What makes me happy. As I made the list of things that soothes me - it is obvious that I rely too much on external to feel control, calm and happy: things that I can buy, things that I can read or hear or watch, things that I can enjoy - products being acquired. Instead, intrinsic locus of control is that I produce.
As I learned about trauma - I started to produce instead of waiting to be fed from external source: I started to write and share it on blog - and I value it, I see it as something valuable that can help others and me too - that I remember what I would otherwise forget, yet it is valuable to know. Since social anxiety is issue with toxic shame and programming - the amnesia is huge problem here - that I forget good advice and good direction.
And I also learned that I can make my own forum instead of relying on others to open it. I can create my ambient music instead of seeking other people's music - since ambient music is easy to make and it is fun. In the future I see prospect of creating my own business. That is the basis of Humanistic therapies - that we are the ones who will start to create instead of being dependent on others. With social anxiety I see deep layers connected to dependency that thwarts our reality and our decisions.
I noticed that in the presence of unknown or angry people - I get triggered. CBT explained this as it is my own problem, my own inability to think normally and that I must solve this by changing my explanations, through ABC model. This in turns make me codependent and people pleaser - since I would eradicate any dislikes. Without dislikes we are not person, we do not built our persona - we do not know what we want from life. So CBT is bad therapy that focuses on panic symptoms through toxic shame and self pathologizing. This is where I would come to deep layer of social anxiety and toxic shame:
that is related to trauma and triggers; where I change my persona, my thinking when I feel that I am in danger if in situation with other people who are unpredictable.
Without knowing it, I have feelings of anger and resentment inside me - and CBT does not explains this. CBT instructs us to stifle these feelings down. We do not know these emotions by name, there is no label for them except that they appear as panic symptoms.
So CBT advice that I change my panic thinking with some "rational" explanations are actually doing damage: it is fusing our character with our emotions. CBT is creating us to feel toxic shame. If I feel panic - I am suppose to remember that I am different from other people who do not have social anxiety (which is untrue), and that I must engage in special thinking process, spend time and focus on following my panic symptoms and then nitpicking and weeding them out. With PureOCD I know now that this ritual to battle anxiety creates more anxiety, this is not healthy method.
What I see now - after learning about psychology, independent to CBT resources - is that inability to label emotions is great problem. I feel social fear or I feel social apprehension - at any degree - if I listen to CBT, I would treat small annoyances and abuse - as my fault. That somehow my thinking is creating the drama and anxiety. In reality whenever there is social anxiety feeling - the emotions layered inside are resentment and anger. And I learned - again independently from CBT resources - that resentment and anger must not be suppressed. It would create illness if anger and resentment is stifled. CBT tries to destroy anger - since it is therapy created for the narcissists and criminally insane, it is not therapy for anxiety. Anger and resentment must be acknowledged. I must be aware of them, I must not pretend that I am happy and that there is no abuse or that there are no toxic people out there. Of course, the sane approach is that this anger and resentment are handled in rational, adult manner. However as I said - stifling it down, ignoring and pretending it is not there does not work. If anger and resentment are stifled down - it will create trauma - and this means more fears. I will have unprocessed feelings about people and situations and I will not know how to handle it - and I will feel fears and avoidance as natural reaction. With that being said,
I would go onto next layer.
Anger and resentment are connected to narcissism - I am talking about inability to feel criticism.
This part is also tricky - when I pretend there is no anger and resentment - I am allowing other people to control me. I will feel fears - and I will adjust my life in accordance what other people dislike and what they yell and scream about.
I would tackle this phenomena. I know now that this is happening due to trauma bonding and external reference locus of control - where I automatically feel I am inept and other people are gods and whatever they say I must obey - and I must never speak the truth or something that they may interpret as arrogant or rude. Then I end up with self censorship and shutting up. I know now that I need to challenge this shutting up part.
I also know that with toxic people - there is no criticism and due to trauma I am programmed to shut up and be silent and that I do not question other people or criticise them - since I would be attacked and punished if I did so. However as adult - this program puts me in unfavourable position, where other people are the ones who set the tone, who make propositions and who create settings and order around how things ought to be, while I am afraid of making mistakes and hearing someone's criticism.
It seems to me that this fear of talking happens due to unexpressed anger and resentment. I do not acknowledge it - and thus I am stuck in being confused and in vague space, like Sandra Bullock in movie Gravity (2013) - where I float in space, with nothing to hold on, and other people become my dictators, my explanations, my direction, my foothold - and I put my needs, wishes and opinions obsolete and non existent. I know now that this happens due to trauma, programming through constant and relentless criticism when I was growing up. Being shouted and yelled at when I said what I disliked or what I like to do. I see with social anxiety - this layer needs to be challenged and changed and I need to know how to process emotions - which CBT never explained that I had - and I was instructed in wrong direction - that I suppose that my thinking is faulty and wrong by default.
When I rely on my wishes - it means that I must accept my social anxiety, I have to accept panic and distortions and mistakes and flaws and ignorance and the fact that I will make fool of myself, that I will say something weird and wrong - yet still do it. With trauma and toxic ambient - I was never been able to break the ice. I would shut up. I would not express my anxiety, I would stifle it down, since CBT (instruction from supposed psychological help) and toxic ambient message was - that I am weird, stupid and unworthy. Looking back, the most devastating outlet of social anxiety for me was inability to express my feelings, inability to retort, inability to speak back, inability to speak truth, and enduring someone's anger - especially when I was making everything to work and to be without mistakes - and still being accused and blamed by others for minor things that they made drama out of it.
All these situations would arise resentment and anger in others - and I would label these natural feelings as pathology that I am not allowed to feel or express, that I must be calm and collected always, no matter what situation and that I must never rock the boat - even in humor or being neutral.
So managing and handling anger and resentment is crucial skill for social anxiety. It is about recognizing it in the first place - it is most probably due to trauma and CBT wrong instructions - that I would even not allow myself to label these feelings that I have inside me - instead I would attack myself and self blame myself for feeling shyness, social fears and someone's abuse.
Looking back I made myself believe that if I say something I would be in danger. I would become homeless and I would lose finances, shelter and that other people - all people - would hate me and abandon me suddenly and without explanations - as I experienced it when social anxiety started.
So with social anxiety there are two elements that made perfect storm: I was in toxic ambient where I was not allowed to express myself, and another element are toxic people - where I was punished by criticism and abandonment - which I did not how to retort and which I generalized as something that will always happen. That all people will hate me if I make them angry somehow. That I must therefor watch how I speak to other people and avoid any sign of aggression or criticism or dislike.
There is also third element - which CBT totally ignores while Humanistic therapy puts it in prime focus: that I put myself in charge that I know where I want to go, what are my likes, and dreams and what I want to do in life - without having other people as direction what is good or wrong.
This is where I would focus with social anxiety. That I allow myself to have resentment and anger - instead of stifling it down. And that I use these feelings to see and check what is happening - is it some annoyance that is not critical - or is it about me relocating and cutting contact. With trauma I go into fawn response - and I do not use any other response - I do not primarily have any defenses in fear of appearing stupid, wrong, crazy or hurting to others. If I allow myself to feel resentment - I would use this energy inside to express it - since obviously making peace and being quiet at my detriment is not functional.
This leads to another layer: that I do not let resentment go into another extreme - where other people would direct my opinions, actions and decisions. The very fact that I feel resentment - is the fact that someone is controlling me. I have to be aware of it.
As for my requirements that are out of my control - that I will feel bad and depressed when I do the correct things - when I do not spend money on things that I find that I need to have. This means, I have to take care of myself by knowing what I like and dislike - where hiding resentments do not help with this process. I repeat this process in outer world with other people. I do not state what I like or dislike, I shut up and pretend there is no problem, and then end up going along with other people's ideas, orders and what turns into commands to obey.
This means when I have problem with fawning and people pleasing - I am repeating the same process inside me with my worth and toxic shame. If I was able to accept my anxiety, my dislikes and my resentment - and do something about it from the position of being equal and on par - I would repeat this process with other people. This balance and negotiation was not something I learned with trauma and toxic ambient. What I learned is that whatever I think is crazy, weird, stupid and invalid by default and that I must listen to other people and obey them automatically, and that I am not allowed to express myself without punishment and shaming for expressing myself.
The sense of obligation and being perfect without making mistakes is connected to unexpressed anger and resentment.
In the end it is about self expression and doing what I decide is good, that I invest and take risk and take action, that I come up with guidance where to go next, instead of depending on other people's approval and appraise that never really comes.
Expressing myself does not mean that I am opinionated and that I nag and complain. It is not about following hysteria of masses and joining in the hysteria and howling of others. It is about knowing from my own common sense what is important and what is not. That I do not let other person or group of people to tell me or explain me that.
The point of this awareness is that I handle my irritations, triggers, abusers, toxic people, hopelessness, trapped trauma inside my body - and still somehow be able to be carefree and pursue my dreams and be glad and happy. With CBT I am trapped into loop of thinking that any kind of social fear is the end of the world, catastrophe, that I am sick and delusional - that is why labeling is devastating and does more bad than good - if it prevents me from going forward. Being stuck in shame and blame and hate is not helping, labeling social fears as the result of cognitive distortions - does not help.
Then it is about being patient with myself when I experience dysregulation - without trying to change or intervene or engage in worry. It is about knowing that my cortex brain is not active, that I have to wait until amygdala hijacking wears off. Worrying will keep it in hijacking, I cannot control it. I tried and it does not work, I know by now it does not work. And it is about knowing what I like and doing things I like and want to do.
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Plato's Republic | Founder of Western Philosophy, TWITTER:
Writing is the geometry of the soul.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Psychology says, no matter how good you are, people will judge you according to their own insecurities.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Don't ever let anyone convince you that your intuition is nothing but insecurities. It's not.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Survivors won't stay silent so the predators can stay comfortable.
Inspirational Quotes, TWITTER:
"Don't blame people for disappointing you, blame yourself for expecting too much from them."
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Don't ever let anyone make you feel crazy because you figured them out.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
To rise to the level of mastery requires many hours of dedicated focus and practice. You cannot get there if your work brings you no joy and you are constantly struggling to overcome your own weaknesses.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Warning!
Minimizing somebody else's feelings is a way of controlling them. If they no longer trust their own feelings and instincts, they come to rely on someone else to tell them how they're supposed to feel. That's invalidation and manipulation.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction. You gotta train your boundaries to be stronger than your soft heart and your mind to be stronger than your feelings because takers have no limits, your boundaries are their limits.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Poor communication can ruin any type of attachment.
The Mindfulness Meditation Institute, TWITTER:
“If you can’t be kind, be quiet.” ~ Unknown
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Be who you are, not who the world wants you to be.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The moment you put a stop to people disrespecting you and taking advantage of you, is the moment they label you as difficult, selfish and crazy. (Like something is wrong with you? Not..) Manipulators hate boundaries, so keep setting those boundaries... Protect your peace.
Mind Haste ⚡️, TWITTER:
If you can't find a good person, be one.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Stop asking people who have never been where you're going for directions.
Mind Haste ⚡️, TWITTER:
Be private, Not everyone wants what's best for you.
Mind Haste ⚡️, TWITTER:
You don't need more time, you need more focus.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Don't listen to toxic individuals. You are not crazy or anything else they try to label you with. Standing up for yourself is "not a crime." Boundaries are natural and healthy, don't let them convince you otherwise.
Essential Mastery. TWITTER:
Do it alone. Do it broke. Do it tired. Do it scared. Just do it!
You're only crazy to people who can't manipulate you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The wildest thing about people who don't like you, they watch everything you do.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Advocating for yourself is never " being difficult." Your feelings are allowed to be complicated. You're allowed to change your mind, disagree, express discomfort and not always be "totally chilled" about everything. It's okay... Life is messy sometimes. Speak up.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Setting boundaries means that we are taking responsibility for ourselves as adults, advocating for what we need and want and choosing to say no to things, situations, and people that aren't right for us.
S Olson, B.S, J.D., TWITTER:
If by CBT you mean cognitive behavior therapy, that's a totally different thing than work on traumas (from childhood or adulthood). CBT is more mindset & beliefs while trauma work is more literally physical (techniques like somatic experiencing, EMDR & havening to name just 3).
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Some people will never like you. Because your spirit irritates their demons.
John Locke, TWITTER:
The only defense against the world is a thorough knowledge of it.
Mind Haste ⚡️, TWITTER:
Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Sometimes people pretend you're a bad person so they don't feel guilty for the way they treated you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Guilty people harass others. Innocent people have no need...
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
When people say “They were always so nice to me”
The answer is “Of course they were - they were manipulating you.”
Shannon Sevigny, TWITTER:
"Never in the history of calming down has anyone ever calmed down by being told to calm down."
Paul Paranoid, TWITTER:
The most important thing I learnt from #therapy was "you have no IDEA what other people have been through".
A weird thing about #narcissisticabuse is it can convince you that everybody else is competent and untroubled, and it's only YOU who is "deficient". It's part of the abuse
#Narcsurvive Chat Room, TWITTER:
We've been tricked.
To us, "Real Life" looks like an arcane practice mastered by artists of its craft when it's just pple following their noses & existing. Some doing better than others.
#NarcissisticAbuse during our formation left us out in the cold while the world turned.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
If a narcissist or a toxic person acknowledged your anger, then they would be "held accountable" for their "offensive behaviors.' Instead they invalidate, gaslight and use manipulation to make you think the problem is you, not them. Yes, they are that arrogant and entitled.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
It doesn’t matter what you say, the perpetrator will find a way to turn it around to their advantage. In their eyes, they will always be the victim and they will always be right.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
If reading a book about healing has made that person self righteous and judgmental about how others ‘heal’ then they missed the point of the book and are hurting not helping.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
If someone’s ‘healing’ has made them self-righteous and judgmental of how others ‘heal’ then they have not ‘healed’ and are actually harming.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
When people talk about ‘supporting a survivor’ it’s usually means get them therapy or mental health services. While that may be needed, why do people always assume it’s something about the survivor that needs to change instead of everything around the survivor needs to change?
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
Survivors are not broken, damaged, or weak - they have been violated, terrorized, and traumatized. They need our understanding and support not harmful labels.
Subhajit | Resilient Human, TWITTER:
Suffering goes away when you stop bottling up everything and start expressing yourself.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Be happy that you express yourself, even if they can't understand you.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Stop believing what the narcissist says! What you have seen until now is what will continue.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Right to Not Participate.
Your individual rights grant you the right to NOT participate in any activities that would be illegal or endanger your human rights, your ethics and moral fortitude.
Dr. Jen | Neuropsychologist and Author 🧠, TWITTER:
Trauma did NOT make you stronger.
It traumatized you, broke your heart, dysregulated your nervous system, gave you PTSD, sleepless nights, trust issues, connection difficulty, almost killed you, and stole your will to live.
YOU made + make yourself stronger…by surviving.
Dr. Jen | Neuropsychologist and Author 🧠, TWITTER:
Stop gaslighting yourself into thinking you’re lazy when you’re really neurodivergent and exhausted AF from trying to fit in to an ableist society.
Dr. Jen | Neuropsychologist and Author 🧠, TWITTER:
Repetition ReWires the brain so TINY intervals of repetition (aka Consistency) helps us heal.
Yet, there’s NO amount of consistency that helps without our compassion, too.
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
The point of seeking advice isn't to follow it blindly. It's to make sure you're thinking clearly.
People give guidance from what works for them. It may or may not apply to you.
The more their values and goals differ from yours, the more you should take it with a grain of salt.
Strong Minded, TWITTER:
Removing yourself from an environment where it constantly triggers your anxiety is a form of self-care.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
We are all in search of feeling more connected to reality—to other people, the times we live in, the natural world, our character, and our own uniqueness. Our culture increasingly tends to separate us from these realities in various ways.
Neale Donald Walsch, TWITTER:
At every moment of difficulty in your life you have a choice: you can oppose what you are experiencing, or compose what you choose.
Psychedelic Anastasie, TWITTER:
Forget about how it should be and accept what is.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
If it drains you, it's not for you. Always remember that.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
100% of bullies, sociopaths, narcissists and manipulators who tell you.. you're too sensitive are saying it because they don't want to be held responsible for your reaction when they mistreat you... Criminals hate accountability.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic people see your boundaries as revenge or as a personal insult on them, and think that you are nothing but a problem, but in reality, it's their toxic or abusive behaviors that led to those boundaries in the first place.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It WASN'T your responsibility to somehow "perceive" or "interpret" your experience of abuse or neglect differently so it didn't produce post traumatic symptoms later in life.
You DIDN'T ask for or create these emotional or behavioral symptoms & struggles.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Blog: "If we’re going to do anything about a situation we hate, a situation that causes us pain, we first need to accept that the situation is as it is.
That it is as painful as it is.
That it is exactly as bad, exactly as f*cked up, as it is."
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We gotta have zero illusions about what happened to us, how badly it hurt, or what we need to do to recover.
Recovery is an often exhausting, irritating process-- but we do it because we, our lives, our projects & passions & goals, are worth the hassle.
Yes. You are.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The fact that Complex PTSD isn't in the DSM is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to syndromes that clearly, obviously exist to real world clinicians, but are invisible to diagnostic frameworks.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Blog: "The truth is that emotional or verbal abuse can f*ck us up in even more complex ways than physical abuse— & if we’re going to meaningfully recover from years of such abuse, we have to first accept that it happened, & exacted the toll that it did."
Nobody LIKES embracing the “powerlessness”
But we are. Powerless, that is. In a way, anyway. We are powerless to change the fact that the past has led us here. But in accepting our powerlessness to change reality in this moment, we paradoxically gain the power to change reality from this point forward.
https://useyourdamnskills.com/2022/08/09/acceptance-is-such-a-lonely-word/
Neale Donald Walsch, TWITTER:
Every human thought, word, or deed is based on either fear or love. You have free choice which of these to select.
"Nothing taught by force stays in the soul." — Plato
Psychedelic Anastasie, TWITTER:
Your behavior determines their attitude.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
The key to such power is ambiguity. In a society where the roles everyone plays are obvious, the refusal to conform to any standard will excite interest.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You did nothing wrong asking to be treated right.
Jean Piaget | Swiss Psychologist, TWITTER:
Every response, whether it be an act directed towards the outside world or an act internalized as thought, takes the form of an adaptation or, better, of a re-adaptation.
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
If you want an easier life, work on solving harder problems.
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
“The problem with making things look easy is that people think it’s easy.”
People will not have time for you if you are always angry or complaining.
—Stephen Hawking
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
Be humble and kind. You may be wrong.
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
A genuine apology has three parts:
1. What I did was wrong.
2. I am sorry that I hurt you.
3. How do I make it better?
—Professor Randy Pausch
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
If, for example, you are miserly by nature, you will never go beyond a certain limit; only generous souls attain greatness.
Immanuel Kant | Philosopher & Thinker 📜, TWITTER:
Have the courage to use your own reason.
That is the motto of enlightenment.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
There isn't a single person on this planet who is entitled to treat you poorly. Remember that.... doesn't matter who they are...
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Being happy is your superpower.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Choose people that choose you. The end.
Lana Horowitz. TWITTER:
If you're just leaving or figuring out you were in a toxic unhealthy relationship, study narcissism
It will help you understand how you were lured in, how they kept you around & all the mental games they played
It's shocking, but can give you the perspective you need to heal
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
If it matters to you. It's important!.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Notice when a supposedly "trauma informed" professional pushes a subtle (or not so subtle) variation of the "your problems are only problems because you're telling yourself they are problems" narrative.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Some 2,600 years ago the ancient Greek poet Pindar wrote, “Become who you are by learning who you are.” Here is what he meant:
You are born with a particular makeup and tendencies that mark you as a piece of fate. It is who you are to the core. Some people never become who they are; they stop trusting in themselves.
They conform to the tastes of others, and they end up wearing a mask that hides their true nature.
If you allow yourself to learn who you really are by paying attention to that voice and force within you, then you can become what you were fated to become—an individual, a Master.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Micromanaging destroys motivation, attitude, moral, and is also a theft of self esteem and confidence. It serves no positive purpose.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Control your emotions, it only take seconds to destroy everything you worked hard for.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Highly sensitive people and empaths need to recharge daily, if they don't, they will experience anger, sensory overload, physical and emotional burnout, anxiety and panic attacks.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Instead of telling people that they shouldn't feel a certain way, try understanding why they feel that way. Don't invalidate how they feel because you don't understand it. You can learn so much about other people, and inspire compassion and empathy, if your willing to listen.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The truth doesn't mind being questioned.
A lie does.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
People grow when they are received well. If you want to empower others to heal, accept them without a agenda.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
100% of people who tell you you're too sensitive are saying it because they don't want to be "held responsible" for your reaction when they mistreat you.
Harry Petsanis, TWITTER:
We were not meant to be everyone's cup of tea. -Harry Petsanis
Harry Petsanis, TWITTER:
No matter what you do and say, people will find a way to find fault with you. Just stay focused, keep moving forward, and live your best life. -Harry Petsanis
Immanuel Kant | Philosopher & Thinker 📜, TWITTER:
If the truth shall kill them, let them die.
Prof. Richard Feynman, TWITTER:
A scientist is never certain.
Blaise Pascal, TWITTER:
“Man's sensitivity to little things and insensitivity to the greatest things are marks of a strange disorder.”
Mark Manson, TWITTER:
Are you overcompensating for what you lack?
- A happy person doesn't have to tell themselves they're happy.
- A confident person doesn't need to prove they're confident.
- A rich person doesn't try to convince anyone they're rich.
Either you are, or you're not.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Please do yourself a favor. Don’t lower your standards to fit in. Don’t shrink who you are to make others feel comfortable. Do find and surround yourself with people who like you just the way you are and who encourage you to keep growing.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional & disabled.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic people condition you to believe the problem isn't the abuse itself, but instead your reaction to their abuse.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Never trust anyone that tells you other people’s secrets.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
PSA from a Neuropsychologist:
You are allowed to feel like crap when crappy things happen without finding the “at least”
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Anyone who has untruthful vibes will put a Empath on high alert.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Empaths are often considered weird in a world where ' normal ' is insane.
Vik G.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic. It's not you being mistaken, it's not you deceiving yourself, it's not you misunderstanding something. It's something that is done TO you.
If you believe something untrue because of old conditioning, it's not you "gaslighting yourself."
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Solve the problem or leave the problem. Don't live with the problem.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
If you say no to someone and they get angry...
It doesn't mean you should of said yes.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
There are people reading this who think they're not intelligent or socially adept because they were never taught that the "freeze" trauma response is a thing.
Once you start learning how trauma & dissociation work, a lot of what we "know" about ourselves goes out the window.
Unkonfined, TWITTER:
Always be ready to say goodbye to anything.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Some people are really so delusional that they think it's disrespectful when you don't just sit back and allow them to continue to disrespect you.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
It is better for your mental health to be in solitude than it is to talk to someone who can't listen.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Unresolved trauma can cause you to stay involved with something that you know is not good for you.
What you choose reflects who you are. --G. Owoc
professional hog groomer, TWITTER:
There is a curious phenomenon that results from the relatively brief window of time a single human lifetime provides: we perceive the current state of the natural world as “normal”.
This is known as the Shifting Baseline Syndrome
“Without rain, nothing grows, learn to embrace the storms in your life.”
~ Anonymous
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
“Those who are in constant war with others will never find peace within themselves!”
~ Lakota
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Unpopular Paradoxical Truth:
People are strengthened through our COMPASSION,
NOT our toughness.
Steve Stewart-Williams, TWITTER:
Narcissism is one of the best predictors of belief in conspiracy theories. There are various possible reasons for this, including narcissists’ need for uniqueness, need for control/dominance, paranoia, and gullibility. https://sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X22001051
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
Intelligence alone is not nearly enough when it comes to acting wisely.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
A liar will get mad at you for knowing the truth.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma responses kick back to things that we ACTUALLy experienced-- not things we imagined.
Because trauma responses don't always match our current situation, it's easy to get gaslit into thinking of them as entirely invalid-- but push pause. It's more complicated than that.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
When your intuition tells you that something is off about a person, place or situation, trust it immediately and remove yourself.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Intelligent people aren’t offended by the truth.
Mind Haste ⚡️, TWITTER:
Life becomes easier when you delete the negative people from it.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
The narcissist seems smart but really they are emotionally unintelligent.
The narcissist seems confident but really they are highly incompetent.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You are not broken! 💔
You are not a problem!
You don't need to be fixed!
You are human. You feel. You fall. You hurt. You learn. You are alive! You are loved.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma survivors often struggle with procrastination-- which confuses some people, because it doesn't seem like a symptom directly related to trauma.
Until we learn about a little something called the "freeze" trauma response.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The right people for your soul, hears you differently, show up differently, support you differently, and nourishes you differently. That's how you'll know.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Warning!
Minimizing somebody else's feelings is a way of controlling them. If they no longer trust their own feelings and instincts, they come to rely on someone else to tell them how they're supposed to feel. That's invalidation and manipulation.
CPTSD Foundation follows
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
High sensitivity is about brain function, not needing to toughen up.
Trigger responses are about our bodies attempting to protect us from threat, not being weak.
Anger is about unjust acts, not needing to forgive.
Affirm who you are, not who others tell you you have to be.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Keeping us afraid & ashamed of our anger keeps us from learning how to manage & use it-- to set boundaries, to protect ourselves & others, to express ourselves clearly & assertively.
What "they" might have to GAIN by alienating us from our anger IS an interesting question.
Richard Lewis, TWITTER:
Anger is an essential alarm system that tells us an injustice has been committed, a boundary has been crossed, that power has been used against us. Why might people wish to silence our anger with shame? Let's start there.
The Mindfulness Meditation Institute, TWITTER:
“Never trust your tongue when your heart is bitter. Hush until you heal.”
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
You never look good trying to make someone look bad.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Healing means removing the abusers from your life & removing the abusers from your mind.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The cognitive distortions we develop in the wake of trauma usually focus on ourselves, not the world or other people-- our perception of our self-worth, self-efficacy, lovability, & right to exist, all take a hit.
Trauma MANGLES our deepest beliefs & ideas about ourselves.
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he's in prison.
Noelito Flow 🇩🇴, TWITTER:
Do not accept anyone’s definition of yourself.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Life hacks:
1) Toxic blood is not thicker than water.
2) Be unmoved by compliments or criticism.
3) Your mental story about them is not them.
4) You project outward what you reject inward.
5) Their happiness is not your responsibility.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
I will never hate anyone but I will distance myself from people who do not value me.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Your confidence & abilities are salt in the wound of the insecure person. It is not your problem.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Accepting we're feeling a thing can be harder than anyone knows. It can feel paradoxical & scary to give ourselves permission to feel bad-- like we're opening the flood gates.
Thing is, feeling a thing can be hard enough-- we don't need to add to it by resisting & denying it.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
If you tend to fall in love with someone’s *potential* you likely had an unpredictable parent.
If you fall fast & hard (to the point where you neglect other parts of life) you likely had an emotionally absent parent.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
unhealed trauma can have you pushing away the people who are actually in your corner.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
Removing yourself when you feel weird vibes, negative energy or sneaky shit is top tier self-care.
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
Worrying doesn’t mean you’re neurotic. It’s a sign that you care—and a strategy to prepare.
If you don’t anticipate problems, you can’t prevent them. If you never sweat the small stuff, you don’t practice for the big stuff.
In uncertain times, concern can build resilience.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Eh, some other people might NOT like you. It happens. It's not always us mind reading or catastrophizing. We're humans & this is the real world.
Thing is: we can't hang our stability or recovery dependent on everybody liking us.
We have bigger fish to fry in recovery.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
Abuse is traumatic because our mind & body is meant to be our safe space. When abuse occurs, we’re stuck at the scene at the crime & often turn on our minds bodies because of the memories it has stored. So many of us forget the trauma because we’re trying to stay home & feel safe
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Adult bullies target people with differences from themselves, especially those who have high morals and integrity. If a new employee refuses to join an established clique, adult bullies target them. If new employees do not conform they also may be targeted
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Being nice to ourselves, especially when we screw up, might feel weird, awkward, like a cop out. When we've been harshly criticized for years, we internalize that sh*t. We confuse "familiar" w/ "appropriate."
Let it feel awkward. Let it feel unfamiliar. We need the practice.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Forcing someone to express only positive emotions can stifle their ability to communicate + make them feel badly abt themselves for having human negative thoughts.
The result is guilt, + stuffing feelings inside, which is dangerous for mental health.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
NOBODY working their trauma recovery thinks trauma's an "excuse" for feeling lousy & functioning "poorly."
It's usually the opposite: trauma survivors think EVERYTHING is their fault & their responsibility-- & a hard part of recovery is accepting what is & isn't in our control.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Dont let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces..
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Stop sharing your secrets with the narcissist, they will only use it against you later when you try to break free from their abuse.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Survival mode is incredibly stressful to the mind, immune system, & nervous system.
It (also) can become incredibly comfortable. We don’t talk enough about how scary it can be to leave it.
Dolly, TWITTER:
Our society is built on keeping people in survival mode. It served a purpose in the past helping groups survive but it suppresses and depresses individuals and keeps us sick, stuck in survival mode.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Crisis bonding isn’t emotional connection.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Telling someone to "be positive" when they are having unpleasant feelings about something is emotional neglect.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When we realize we're NOT responsible for LOTS of stuff we were made to feel responsible for--like the responsiveness of our caregivers growing up-- we might be relieved, sad...& angry.
We can USE that anger-- that "never again" energy-- to create AMAZING things going forward.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Nope. What happened to somebody else doesn't give them a blank check to behave hurtfully toward you.
We CAN be understanding about, even compassionate, toward someone's pain--but still set boundaries.
It's not "mean" to prioritize YOUR safety & stability.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We can't break an addiction to a thing without coping with the absence of that thing.
That includes the approval of others-- which is rough, when we've been conditioned to believe others' approval is our only source of safety.
Addictions convince us we "need" them to survive.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
The paranoid and wary are often the easiest to deceive. Win their trust in one area and you have a smoke screen that blinds their view in another, letting you creep up and level them with a devastating blow.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Moving the goal posts
"Abusive narcissists and sociopaths employ a logical fallacy known as 'moving the goalposts' in order to ensure that they have every reason to be perpetually dissatisfied with you.
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
The man who lies to himself can be more easily offended than anyone else.
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
Humanity can live without science, it can live without bread, but it cannot live without beauty.
Without beauty, there would be nothing left to do in this life.
Here the secret lies.
Here lies the entire story.
Harry Petsanis, TWITTER:
Understand the difference between someone loving you versus loving what you do for them. -Harry Petsanis
Harry Petsanis, TWITTER:
We are all strange, misfits, and outcasts. Don't run from your idiosyncrasies, embrace and revel in them. -Harry Petsanis
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trying to logically talk our panicked nervous system out of a trauma response is like trying to patiently explain to someone drowning that if they'd just calm & swim, they'd be fine.
Until we have hold of an emotional life preserver, logic's not a tool we can easily use.
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
If everything on earth were rational, nothing would happen.
48 Laws Of Power Bot, TWITTER:
If a man is to be liked, he must really be inferior in point of intellect.
- Schopenhauer
reductio ad absurdum
In the reductio method we assume a statement to be true and see what
conclusions we can draw from it. If, when drawing these conclusions, we get a
contradiction, we know that the initial statement is false, because contradictions
are always false.
Russell’s point is that if the set is a member of itself, then by definition it can’t
be a member of itself. But if it is not a member of itself, then it is a member of
itself. So it is both a member of itself and not a member of itself. And that is a
contradiction. This glaring mistake, allegedly, left Frege a broken man.
The surface grammar (the school grammar of nouns, verbs and adjectives) hides
the true form of a sentence. Russell thought that if we could analyse language
into a perfect logical structure, then many of the great philosophical problems of
the day would disappear.
'It used to be said that God could create anything except an illogical world but
the truth is that we could not say of an illogical world what it would look like.'
Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889–1951)
Gödel discovered that any system
complicated enough to be used as a basis for arithmetic will be incomplete.
A paradox is a statement that entails its negation. This is a logician’s nightmare
because it does not matter whether we assume the sentence to be true or false,
we always arrive at a contradiction.
Gödel subsequently went on to prove that mathematics is essentially incomplete
– that no list of axioms can ever account for all the truths of arithmetic. The
conclusion that there are true sentences of mathematics that cannot be proven is
very alarming for anyone interested in trying to set mathematics on a secure
basis.
The Sorites paradox trades on the fact that there are no rules to determine the
number of grains of sand in a heap.
many everyday words such as few, a lot, big,
small and the like, as well as colours and sounds, may be used to generate a
Sorites paradox.
This solution to the Sorites paradox suggests that we do not really know what
our words mean, since it is accepted that knowing what a word means involves
knowing how to apply it correctly. But the solution explicitly denies that we
have this sort of knowledge.
They
renounce the age-old demand that statements have one of two possible truth
values: true or false. Now we can think of sentences as being “very true”, “fairly
true”, “reasonably false”, “completely false” and so on. Thus a whole family of
logics is created, known collectively as “fuzzy logic”.
Putnam became aware that to be able to read the result of an experiment and know which logic it supports, we must already start with some kind of reasoning. So not all logic is gained from observation.
Experience teaches us very little, most of it is made up
by us.
Every culture creates a theory that fits its aesthetic and moral character.
Paul Feyerabend (1924–94)
It is claimed that we make sense of our own
psychological behaviour and the behaviour of others by means of this model. It
is based on Aristotle’s notion of the practical syllogism
Logic gets into all forms of human inquiry. All good arguments should be
logical, so they must follow logical rules to show that the conclusions follow
from the premises. Logic itself makes very few claims about anything. It is a
tool, a method of analysis.
Introducing Logic: A Graphic Guide
Book by Bill Mayblin, Dan Cryan, and Sharron Shatil
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Before you worry about your enemies, you need to know which of your friends are actually undercover haters....
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Telling someone that they can "only" heal their trauma by connecting w/ others ignores a HUGE swath of people who don't have the luxury of safe or consistent connections or relationships right now.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Yes, it would be ideal if everyone had a competent, compassionate, trauma informed therapist. Yes, it would be ideal if everyone had a caring, invested, safe group of social & community supports.
But not everybody does.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Treating lack of connection as only a problem of a trauma survivors "fear" of connection makes this into the survivor's "fault"-- & ignores the reality that often we lack connections through no fault of our own.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Much trauma treatment content is written w/ the assumption that someone is in therapy & has safe current relationships-- but there are LOTS of reasons, many structural & systemic, that not everybody has those resources & opportunities to safely connect.
They deserve help, too.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Many ppl are working to help people gain more access to competent trauma therapy & safe trauma recovery communities-- but in the meantime, we owe it to develop & publicize skills, tools, & resources for people to heal even if they DON'T have access to safe connections right now.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
People need skills & tools to handle trauma symptoms & memories that crop up when NO ONE external is around or can help. People need philosophies & INTERNAL structure that will be there even if no connections or supports are available right then.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
At any age you can awaken to the truth (you’re a product of conditioning) & begin the process of self recovery.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Never apologize for how you feel. No one can control how they feel. The sun doesn’t apologize for being the sun. The rain doesn’t say sorry for falling. Feelings just are.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
"Embracing change" sounds nice, but it's complicated when much of the "change" in our lives has been chaotic or painful.
That's NOT you lacking courage-- that's your nervous system being realistic about what your life experience has *actually* been.
Think baby steps.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
If your family ran on gossip & gaslighting when you were a kid, you're gonna have trouble trusting people now-- & maybe that's not all that crazy.
Communication & authenticity NEED to be the price of admission for being close to us in adulthood after a childhood like that.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Maturing is realizing that slapping one-dimensional labels on ourselves creates more problems-- in motivation, mood, & meaningful self-understanding, for starters-- than it can possibly solve.
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
"Assume good intent" isn't always good advice. Sometimes it sets people up for gaslighting.
People with Dark Triad traits—narcissists, takers, psychopaths—rarely look out for your best interests.
If someone has a pattern of selfishness or abuse, it's wise to watch your back.
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
It takes something more than intelligence to act intelligently.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
In the course of your life you will be continually encountering fools. There are simply too many to avoid.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Trauma survivors crave honesty and authenticity. We've had to fight for our ability to think clearly and know who we are. We aren't willing to engage with those who do not honor that. We will show them the door.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
Abusers love to take whatever is meant for the victim and instead use it for themselves. For example abusers love therapy - but they use it to analyze and ‘diagnose’ everyone else. #perpetrator101
Stephan Labossiere, TWITTER:
You have to create an environment in a relationship where you both can be open and honest with each other.
Stephan Labossiere, TWITTER:
Avoid people who get mad at you for wanting the same things they ask for.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
Avoiding shit that repeatedly triggers your mental health and hurts your heart is top tier self-care.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Trauma Survivors have trust issues because some people have lying issues.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
The narcissist will think you are selfish for standing up for yourself.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Trauma CAN make us stronger, + post traumatic growth is a very real phenomenon.
However, we didn’t go through heinous experiences to MAKE us stronger or to form into who we are.
There’s NO good reason for trauma, + it’s certainly not a blessing in disguise.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Do not engage with the lower dimensional behavior. Acknowledge it for what it is, projection, ego and unhealed wounds. Stay on your path, keep moving forward, do not invite the past back in. Stay on track keep moving forward.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Renaissance diplomat and courtier Niccolò Machiavelli wrote, “Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good.”
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Let’s practice sitting with someone in their darkest hour without imposing upon them the ethos of “good vibes only” as if that’s some kind of cure!
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Truth tellers, whistle-blowers, scapegoats and the real victims are always portrayed as 'crazy.'
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The more "you heal" the more you realize that you don't want "toxic" people in your life anymore.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You bet we're gonna have panic symptoms over "little" stuff we "should" be able to do "easily."
No shame. It happens. There are no "shoulds" in recovery-- & our sh*t's gonna come up in little, sometimes seemingly absurd, ways.
Breathe, & focus w/ what's in front of you.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Toxic is when they can't let you go, but they can't treat you right either.
Complex posttraumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) has been included as a diagnostic category in the International Classification of Diseases, 11th Edition, consisting of six symptom clusters: the three PTSD criteria of reexperiencing, avoidance, and hypervigilance, in addition to three disturbances of self-organization (DSO) symptoms defined as emotional dysregulation, interpersonal difficulties, and negative self-concept. As borderline personality disorder (BPD) shares similar features to DSO presentations and is commonly associated with PTSD, there is debate as to whether and how CPTSD is distinct from PTSD comorbid with BPD.
Findings support the construct of a CPTSD diagnosis as a separate entity although BPD features seem to overlap greatly with CPTSD symptoms in this highly traumatized clinical sample.
"Differentiating symptom profiles of ICD-11 PTSD, complex PTSD, and borderline personality disorder: A latent class analysis in a multiply traumatized sample"
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31259603/
Complex post traumatic stress disorder (Complex PTSD) is a disorder that may develop following exposure to an event or series of events of an extremely threatening or horrific nature, most commonly prolonged or repetitive events from which escape is difficult or impossible (e.g. torture, slavery, genocide campaigns, prolonged domestic violence, repeated childhood sexual or physical abuse). All diagnostic requirements for PTSD are met. In addition, Complex PTSD is characterised by severe and persistent 1) problems in affect regulation; 2) beliefs about oneself as diminished, defeated or worthless, accompanied by feelings of shame, guilt or failure related to the traumatic event; and 3) difficulties in sustaining relationships and in feeling close to others. These symptoms cause significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational or other important areas of functioning.
Such events include, but are not limited to, torture, concentration camps, slavery, genocide campaigns and other forms of organized violence, prolonged domestic violence, and repeated childhood sexual or physical abuse.
Re-experiencing the traumatic event after the traumatic event has occurred, in which the event(s) is not just remembered but is experienced as occurring again in the here and now. This typically occurs in the form of vivid intrusive memories or images; flashbacks, which can vary from mild (there is a transient sense of the event occurring again in the present) to severe (there is a complete loss of awareness of present surroundings), or repetitive dreams or nightmares that are thematically related to the traumatic event(s). Re-experiencing is typically accompanied by strong or overwhelming emotions, such as fear or horror, and strong physical sensations. Re-experiencing in the present can also involve feelings of being overwhelmed or immersed in the same intense emotions that were experienced during the traumatic event, without a prominent cognitive aspect, and may occur in response to reminders of the event. Reflecting on or ruminating about the event(s) and remembering the feelings that one experienced at that time are not sufficient to meet the re-experiencing requirement.
Deliberate avoidance of reminders likely to produce re-experiencing of the traumatic event(s). This may take the form either of active internal avoidance of thoughts and memories related to the event(s), or external avoidance of people, conversations, activities, or situations reminiscent of the event(s). In extreme cases the person may change their environment (e.g., move house or change jobs) to avoid reminders.
Persistent perceptions of heightened current threat, for example as indicated by hypervigilance or an enhanced startle reaction to stimuli such as unexpected noises. Hypervigilant persons constantly guard themselves against danger and feel themselves or others close to them to be under immediate threat either in specific situations or more generally. They may adopt new behaviours designed to ensure safety (not sitting with ones’ back to the door, repeated checking in vehicles’ rear-view mirror). In Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, unlike in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, the startle reaction may in some cases be diminished rather than enhanced.
Severe and pervasive problems in affect regulation. Examples include heightened emotional reactivity to minor stressors, violent outbursts, reckless or self-destructive behaviour, dissociative symptoms when under stress, and emotional numbing, particularly the inability to experience pleasure or positive emotions.
Persistent beliefs about oneself as diminished, defeated or worthless, accompanied by deep and pervasive feelings of shame, guilt or failure related to the stressor. For example, the individual may feel guilty about not having escaped from or succumbing to the adverse circumstance, or not having been able to prevent the suffering of others.
Persistent difficulties in sustaining relationships and in feeling close to others. The person may consistently avoid, deride or have little interest in relationships and social engagement more generally. Alternatively, there may be occasional intense relationships, but the person has difficulty sustaining them.
The disturbance results in significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational or other important areas of functioning. If functioning is maintained, it is only through significant additional effort.
Suicidal ideation and behaviour, substance abuse, depressive symptoms, psychotic symptoms, and somatic complaints may be present.
A history of exposure to a stressor of extreme and prolonged or repetitive nature from which escape is difficult or impossible does not in itself indicate the presence of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Boundary with Normality (Threshold): Many people experience such stressors without developing any disorder. Rather, the presentation must meet all diagnostic requirements for the disorder.
Symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder are generally more severe and persistent in comparison to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
In children, pervasive problems of affect regulation and persistent difficulties in sustaining relationships may manifest as regression, reckless behaviour, or aggressive behaviours towards self or others, and in difficulties relating to peers. Furthermore, problems of affect regulation may manifest as dissociation, suppression of emotional experience and expression, as well as avoidance of situations or experiences that may elicit emotions, including positive emotions.
In older adults, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder may be dominated by anxious avoidance of thoughts, feelings, memories, and persons as well as physiological symptoms of anxiety (e.g., enhanced startle reaction, autonomic hyperreactivity). Affected individuals may experience intense regret related to the impact of traumatic experiences on their lives.
ICD-11 for Mortality and Morbidity Statistics (Version : 02/2022)
https://icd.who.int/browse11/l-m/en#/http%253a%252f%252fid.who.int%252ficd%252fentity%252f585833559
• ₣ɆⱤ₳Ⱡ 𝓣𝓼𝓾𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓮•(ツンデレ), TWITTER:
“You’re very hard to control when you’re healthy. You’re very hard to manipulate when you’re clear. You’re very hard to influence when you’re sovereign.”
Bhavjot ✨(puv-jo-tuh), TWITTER:
there’s a difference between being told you're loved and feeling loved.
Mind Haste ⚡️, TWITTER:
Healthy relationships include uncomfortable conversations.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Maybe it's not "entitlement" that makes people who were neglected as kids preoccupied w/ attachment. It's not "needing" to feel "special." It's the overwhelming anxiety that if we're NOT "special"-- "valuable," entertaining, attractive, whatever-- that we'll be abandoned.
Paul L. Gunn, Jr, TWITTER:
They empathy to understand let alone respect it. Silvy Khoucasian said, ”empathy without boundaries is self-destruction .” https://caminorecovery.com/blog/why-empathy-without-boundaries-is-a-self-destructive-act/
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
You see their true colors when you say "No" to them.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Never worry about who will be offended if you speak the truth. Worry about who will be misled, deceived, manipulated & destroyed if you don't.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Increasing understanding reduces the emotional suffering.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
The narcissist shows favor to the people that they have targeted to abuse.
Gaslighting Effect, TWITTER:
Narcissists will do so much for you when they want something from you, that perhaps you can't see yet.
But soon the narcissist will make it hellishly clear what you must now do for them.
Should you refuse, they become slighted, enraged, and seek to destroy every aspect of you
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
If you don’t stand for something… you’ll fall for anything.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Watch out for the false righteous narcissist that cloaks their abuse behind acts of kindness & flattery.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
The foundation of all mental illness is the unwillingness to experience legitimate suffering.
licensed unprofessional., TWITTER:
Basically people come to therapy and we teach them how to deal with people who will probably never go to therapy.
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
Admitting when one is wrong is a big part of how we grow as people. The inability to sincerely do so is a major reason why so many narcissists remain stunted in some areas throughout their entire lives. #NPD #narcissisticabuse
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
One of the basic human rights a narcissist takes away from you is the right to be angry with them. No matter how badly they treated you, your voice shouldn't rise.
The privilege of rage is reserved for them alone. They invalidate your anger so they can escape accountability.
Gaslighting Effect, TWITTER:
Narcissists want to use your emotions against you each and every time they trigger them
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
I'm not anti-social. I'm selectively social.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional & disabled.
licensed unprofessional., TWITTER:
You don’t have to believe everything other people say about you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Complex trauma survivors are the LEAST dramatic people I've ever met. They are the LEAST likely to seek attention-- even when appropriate, healthy attention is EXACTLY what they need. (Ever try to get a trauma survivor to go to the ER for a physical injury?)
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Anyone who sides with a workplace bully and fails to step in and put a stop to the bullying is an enabler and a bully also. Such cruelty stems from weak character and that's why good employees with moral integrity are targeted the most.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The faker you are the bigger your circle ⭕ will be. The realer you are, the smaller your circle ⭕ will be; These are well-known facts.
licensed unprofessional., TWITTER:
Everybody is not going to be “the one” & the quicker you realize that, the easier setting boundaries and detachment becomes.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Real world trauma recovery involves a lot less focus on the past than some people seem to assume. Abuse survivors are VERY realistic about the fact that we'll never have a better past.
Trauma recovery is about not letting the past ruin THIS moment-- or steal our future.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The culture often doesn't get how hard it is for trauma survivors to ask for help or seek the attention they need.
When you're terrified of being seen or known & have been shamed for taking up physical space, "seeking attention" is the very LAST thing that feels REMOTELY safe.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
"Letting" your pain or past f*ck with your everyday life ISN'T a failure of "toughness" or "character."
Humans who're at the point of their trauma f*cking up their job, relationships, or functioning have usually been "successfully" "toughing it out" for YEARS to that point.
licensed unprofessional., TWITTER:
Once you realize most rude people are simply just projecting, you start taking less things personal.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma recovery ISN'T about deluding ourselves into imagining that all threats or dangers are "in the past" or "just perceived."
It's about effectively managing symptoms & reactions so we can effectively respond to present threats & create meaningful safety now.
ɐuıɯ❣️, TWITTER:
When you naturally have a healing aura, you attract alot of damaged people, and having them in your life could drain your energy to the max.
A reminder that it’s not your job to heal everyone that enters your life.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
People who actually work with trauma survivors know that they're at higher risk for being in dangerous environments or destructive relationships now-- which is why we don't make the blanket assertion "the trauma is in the past, you're safe now" the centerpiece of recovery.
Mind Haste ⚡️, TWITTER:
Accept the situation and move on.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
One of my Instagram followers suggested we add "f*ck it" to fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and flop, and I'm so mad I didn't think of that first.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Introverts have heard for YEARS that their problems would be solved by changing their attitude toward socializing.
It's hard to describe how discouraging it is for them to hear therapists regurgitating "get over your reluctance to connect" as "THE" way we emotionally heal.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Traumatic Stress is Your Nervous System Dysregulating,
it’s NOT Your Personality.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Any habit that's important enough to consistently do-- including self-expression & self-care-- is worth practicing, even (especially!) if we're not great at it yet.
If we wanna get good at something, we gotta be willing to suck at it first. Shaping neural pathways takes time.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Healing doesn’t mean your triggers disappear.
It means you approach triggers as information,
(they prime you to pay attention)
and learn to strip them of their power so you RESPOND in lieu of reacting.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Co-regulation is the ART of inviting another nervous system to regulate in unison with ours.
Are we a soothing or fueling presence?
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
The antidote to a dysregulated nervous system elicited by unpredictable, unsafe relationships, IS, being enveloped in another’s safety.
No human is an island unto themselves.
Our nervous systems literally talk to one another.
Give the GIFT of safety, today.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
If we avoid feeling the gamut of our emotions, specifically anger, we WILL turn it inward, and our nervous system will Freeze to overcompensate.
When anger isn’t given space for expression, depression comes in it’s stead.
Shannon Sevigny, TWITTER:
As a single woman, it’s important for me to romanticize my life. To make myself nice dinners, take myself out to the movies or to do activities. My life isn’t less full or joyful just because I don’t have a partner, and someone will simply expand, not fill or complete, my life.
Arthur Schopenhauer, TWITTER:
“A high degree of intellect tends to make a man unsocial.”
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
It's a mistake to unfollow people for disagreeing with your views. The voices that challenge your opinions often sharpen your thinking.
The cue to stop listening is not dissent—it's disrespect.
Tuning out trolls and tuning into thoughtful critics is how you keep an open mind.
The Madwoman in the Classroom, TWITTER:
One of my triggers, both personally and professionally, is children being held to higher standards than adults and being disciplined when they act/react in ways that are age appropriate.
Steve Harvey, TWITTER:
Go where you're appreciated.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
your anxiety won’t ruin your relationship with the right person. remember that.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
When we sit with someone and signal that we are HERE, unconditionally, without imposing toxic positive sentiments,
We offer someone space to lean into the full nuance of their emotional expression, WITHOUT the cloak of shame.
psychology of mind, TWITTER:
Lack of communication ends the best relationships.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We put an unbelievable amount of value on identity. We put ourselves & others into boxes. Because we don’t actually know our true selves.
When we don’t know our true selves, identity becomes the sole focus & in the process we dehumanize ourselves & others.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Survivors be like;
Be honest & truthful with me or just stay away. It's not that difficult.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
When you go into society, leave behind your own ideas and values, and put on the mask that is most appropriate for the group in which you find yourself.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
If we really don't want to keep repeating old patterns of thinking, feeling, & behaving, we're gonna have to really grieve 'em-- not just those patterns, but the people & situations in our lives those patterns are connected to.
That...can be more complicated than it seems.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You really gotta watch how people "joke" with you. People throw a lot of hate and jealously on the low and cover it with a laugh.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Your silence will not protect you.
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
In toxic cultures, people prove their intelligence by tearing others down.
In healthy cultures, people use their intelligence to build others up.
Knowledge and expertise are not weapons to wield. They're resources to share.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Things that are retraumatizing are not therapeutic.
Things that are therapeutic are not retraumatizing.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
ALL behavior is communication-- including (especially!) our most frustrating, seemingly incomprehensible choices.
Cracking the code of our "crazy" behavior can start with, "what might a part of me be TRYING to communicate, to me or others, by nudging me to do this thing?"
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Manipulators don't care about anyone but themselves.. Manipulation is a theft of a individuals right to freely choose how their life is lived.
Lex Fridman, TWITTER:
Nobody has life figured out.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Addiction is a trauma response.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
I don't get a lot of mileage out of the question, "WHY am I anxious?"
I get a LOT more mileage out of "HOW am I anxious?"
Anxiety's a LOT more than thoughts-- & our anxious thoughts often aren't that much help anyway.
But our physical body can tell us a LOT-- IF we tune in.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
The most efficient way to get rid of intrusive thoughts is to NOT try so hard to get rid of them!
What we resist persists, and noting these thoughts are present, stripping them of their power, reminding yourself You. Are. Safe is way more helpful.
We got this.
(29.8.2022)
Comparing plays also huge role in social anxiety and trauma and toxic shame. This is related to stigma and group think and herd mentality. If I listen to society about what is good and healthy, I would get notion that I am sick if I do not like small talk and going to random events. Who is the one who is creating standard about what is accepted and normal. In toxic ambient - there will be no places to be outside. Toxic ambient is sick, it is not my desire to avoid or stay at home. For example, painter Dali said that his experience of sexuality is different than "standard" one, and society may label him as strange and weird or something else. If he listened to society he might believe in self prophecy and labeling - and thus play the role that was coming from other people and their explanations and their definitions.
I see that with social anxiety we do not play by the rules. And this also causes social fears - where we are being scared of being different and sticking by our own explanations and our own rules. Instead we compare, and we are forced to compare. If we seek videos about people pleasing and about being assertive and about being confident, the most advice will actually be about comparing with the norm - where the norm is having a love relationship, money, good job, amazing interest. In reality - all these are someone's idea of good time. For some people - love interest is connected to codependency - so seeking love to be approved and acknowledged would not help at all. If I have external reference I would spend money on things I do not need to impress people who do not care for me - so having toxic job to gather money is not actually a good advice - since toxic shame is inside me thwarting my choices and decisions.
Other people are not reliable resource for seeking definition what is norm, normal and good. With social anxiety and CBT I will get wrong instinct and wrong guidance that I must follow others about what is what I want, and what is good.
This is connected to over-generalizing. People tend to label something based on accepted description, without realizing that partial evil is still evil. So people may label Nazi ideology as evil, without realizing that their right wing hero holds the same beliefs as Nazis. And this happens because of accepted image and description of fascism based on WW2, as if the requirements for something to be labeled as evil must be the same as the original evil in WW2.
This means, with social anxiety I believe we have ability to notice what is wrong in its beginning and this is causing a lot of worry and apprehension. The problem is not social anxiety at all - but the external evil in its infancy - and we simply have ability to notice it. The problem is with society that labels something as evil only after it is over and done, most people cannot think and do not have ability to notice the details. And if we believe other people - we will discount our instincts as faulty - which will result as toxic shame, belief that I must depend on other people to explain me reality.
The point I am making here that self pathologizing is wrong way. If there is anything wrong, it is in safety mechanisms and not being able to express myself. When I get aroused, scared and panicked I will intend to blame myself automatically and seek faults with myself. I would turn this around and start trusting my feelings and emotions even at the cost of being wrong. Since if I reject myself, the cost is much greater than listening to CBT advice of not trusting my fears. Other people will exploit me, they will sniff out my inability to trust myself and use shame and blame to control me and shut up and not talk the truth.
This ability to predict bad things - which is anxiety by definition - is actually ability to prevent domino effect from occurring, it is safety mechanism, and it is time travel mechanism. So it is no wonder that is is exhausting and it feels strange and it makes us immobile. With anxiety my main goal is to be safe and to keep safe. I am trying to deflect someone's criticism - which means other people control me without me being aware of it. All I do is reacting in order not to feel the pain that is programmed through relentless criticism. With anxiety I put priority of other people ahead of my own interest. I put my life on hold while making other people's live comfortable - so that I do not listen to their complaints. While in reality - they complain all the time anyway and do not comprehend the menial and hard work I done to prevent evil from happening, and they will take it for granted, as if my role is to be silent and subservient and not asking for what I want. I would see that toxic ambient is crucial here, that I remove myself from toxic ambient. And that I recognize that making mistakes is not painful. And that someone's criticism is not unbearable as it seems to me. This part is extremely hard due to programming and hypnosis of abuse and criticism and invalidation.
We might conclude that being "too nice" and "too good" attracts narcissists and abusers. Therefore in easing up social anxiety means becoming "rude" and "arrogant" - in reality it is not - having a short fuse for someone's rude behaviour and mocking. This is different from narcissistic injury and super sensitivity to criticism. We need to trust our social anxiety when we feel it. It will not come when someone is "criticizing" us in correct manner = without drama and without toxic shame. Toxic shame is when someone equates our mistakes with our character, their criticism consists of Ad Hominem. Intelligent people do not insult others. When we have fawning as safety mechanism, we do not allow blocking and muting others - and this make us staying stuck in trauma bonding with very unhealthy, truly ill, toxic people.
Social anxiety might simply be mislabeled and misunderstood emotion. CBT explains it as general anxiety and distortion and hallucination. If social anxiety is based on trauma and bullying - I would see that feelings, emotions that appear uncomfortable and scary and filled with panic are actually irritation, resentment, anger, feelings of not being able to identify the cause of problem and in the same time knowing it is doing direct damage. I see that with bullying and abuse we will have ability to detect and spot any kind of unsocial unacceptable behaviour from others, before others are even aware it is happening. If I label my panic feelings as general anxiety, as CBT suggests, I will self prophecize myself and hypnotize myself into subservience and fawning, since I will take all the blame on me. I will self pathologize myself for some other persons' abuse.
I see overcoming trauma, social anxiety and triggers and flashbacks where I am able to evaluate the risk and danger coming from a person that exhibits anger, aggression, rudeness, spitefulness, viciousness, criticism and negative feedback - where I can know whether this is a personal attack or person simply not being aware enough how they come off in public. I see now that due to trauma - I will not be able to overcome this, I will feel triggered whenever someone is slightly rude, appearing rude. Rejecting my reaction as over-reaction will add to toxic shame and invalidation, it adds up to trauma. Since I spend all the time in fawning and not reacting and being calm and taking it in - I would go in another direction - of leaving, quitting, reacting, speaking up and cutting fawning and trauma bonding. I know it is associated with the risk of losing job and security, shelter. I can certainly do this when there is no risk at all - simply me being seen as intolerant to someone's abusive behaviour. This is where leap of faith steps in. In order to avoid being toxic and the same as abuser - it is up to me to have both resentment, anger and forgiveness and having neutral feelings about someone who is clearly abnormal. It is not about ignoring, neither it is about forgetting nor about bonding with such people but it will appear as such from the distance.
I can be in control to cut contact, shift focus, minimize contact and put myself in situation and location out and away from toxic people without being obsessed about them, what they've done or running scared away from them. If I hold grudge, they will control me and I will be obsessed with toxic people. This shape shifting mindset is new to me, I did not seen this in people around me nor in resources around me. This is new, groundbreaking - that I form new way how to react to anger and resentment. Anger must be there, I must be both aware of anger and to acknowledge it. I will be tempted to express my anger and rage especially when I have nothing to lose and when I have upper hand, however I know that it would be wrong. Speaking the truth, being objective, being transparent and being the judge and self advocacy is the only expression that I need to have. I cannot go wrong with that and I cannot be swayed in wrong direction by speaking the truth even when I know that truth may hurt someone who is abusive and crossed their boundaries.
Perhaps abusive and toxic people are here only as tests to see if we have capacity for love and humility.
I see social anxiety as a child that is trapped in camp like setting for a summer, surrounded by bullies. Obviously you cannot run away, and whatever you say is used against you in form of mocking and more bulling - so you end up being hysterical - or alternatively you shut up and fawn. In both cases you lose.
"Bullies thrive where there is no authority" - so that is why social anxiety happens: due to toxic shame and programming such as being surrounded by bullies - made it believe we are not leaders, we have no needs and we are not allowed to ask for what we want. Natural solution is to become leader, like in a movie 3 Women (1977) with three main characters at the end of movie. It is about expressing what I need and expressing my natural reactions and being naturally me. That I say what bothers me. That I allow myself to protest to unfair treatment. With fawning and toxic shame social anxiety does not allow it.
If I had a magical stick and be able to remove my social anxiety - I would remove or lobotomize my reactions and dislikes. I would not be able to feel fear any more. I would hate it. I would not be able to know who is bad and toxic. Others would exploit me and make fool out of me - I would feel no anger or any reaction to abuse.
The fears and panic therefore are not problem.
It is the abuse, toxic person who is evil doing evil.
In toxic ambient doing good will feel wrong, it will produce wrong and it builds up resentment up. It has nothing to do with me. There is nothing I can fix. Toxic people are doing evil and making toxic ambient.
With trauma we are programmed to experience vagueness in scary way due to toxic shame - inability to trust our own competency that keeps us in the state of being scared, afraid of other people think, without goal - so the solution is to be on par with others as soon as I start to feel panic. Without doing anything, I will fawn to others. Being on par with others means looking for my needs - what I need, instead of stifling it down and not asking for my rights. Self expression is easily stifled when there is toxic shame inside internalized - belief deep inside that I am inept and wrong. I will thus believe that I am being arrogant and rude if I ask for what I need or protest something and toxic people will reinforce this belief for their own benefit. Triggers, flashbacks, bias will control my words, immobility and fears to stay silent and in the constant state of fear.
One phenomena that is connected with social anxiety is similar to Ship of Theseus - it is that I do not notice that with my social anxiety warnings, alarm and precautions, that I actually create safety. I do not see the result of me being in safety. I do not see results of bad experiences and uncomfortable situations being averted and prevented. All I see is loneliness and guilt and shame of not stepping outside of comfort zone. Then, what usually happens - I do step outside of comfort zone and then I feel scared and I never go through, instead I fawn and seek security - without realizing that I would not regret stepping outside of comfort zone later on. This means that I am shortsighted. I see only what is in front of me, I do not take into consideration statistics from before and potential in the future. I see what is now and react to it. That is not delayed gratification and it won't help me achieve anything. So this is also double binding: that I must be in now, yet in the same time being in now is making me shortsighted and make short term decisions that often enough are not productive, good or reasonable in the long term.
Accepting social anxiety would mean trusting my instincts, reactions and decisions - even if labeled as crazy, wrong by CBT or some therapist. If I am not evil, if there is no evil agenda - it is my duty to built self worth first in order to outcast foreign external virus element in form of toxic shame. This means trusting my self, my decision to the full, including all mistakes and supposed weaknesses. CBT would explain avoidance as illness - when observing it from abuse, avoidance is healing and self care.
One year later I am starting to realize that solution to being stuck with someone screaming and being violent is resolved by cutting contact with toxic people consistently and recognizing toxic people. With trauma the brain will rationalize abuse and allow toxic people in. This will create feeling of being stuck on trying to resolve issues such toxic people invent because they are mentally ill. Letting go that things are unresolved is another relief for being stuck.
Toxic people are on the outside, it is external factor - while their shaming turns toxic shame being internalized inside - it is still external factor. I would now go deeper. It seems that there is also internal virus that is causing problems too. The idea is to doubt both external world but also my own conclusions - in order to be open and stop egocentrism. Inner virus would be thought that produces actions which are not aligned with good. Toxic shame works due to shame about equating mistakes with character. So with inner virus, there might be portion of belief, wrong definition, group-think, unprocessed anger that propels person to do evil. The basic anti-dote to toxic shame is deep realization that I am not bad person - that I have no evil agenda, that I do not hurt other people and that I do not take advantage of others. With inner virus this system is broken. Without being aware that inner virus (as oppose to toxic people as external factor) exist, there would be evil inside creating damage.
From Zoroastrian perspective this is exactly why Earth exist and why we are here - that evil is trapped, recognized and that there is a conscious choice not to follow the path of what is evil. It is not about destroying or hating nor even about removing - since the virus itself can obfuscate reality and scapegoat innocent target as evil. Since we are not gods we cannot know true reality and we cannot know all the facts - our brain is limited since we are mere humans, vulnerable and faulty by default - but not in toxic shame way that we are wrong. It is simply how it is - humans are limited to the body. Our part would be to do the best we can with what we have and make the most of it as consciously choosing the light, good and correct path. I believe toxic ambient plays crucial role in existence of inner virus - and especially if I was brought to believe in self blame and self hate as default thinking pattern - my task would be to recover from darkness, bring it into light, recognize and reject external factor. With programmed self guilt I would fawn and I would try not to hurt someone by explaining and telling what they done wrong. With silence I keep evil alive. I may believe that I am doing good, but being silent to evil is not good. Silence also means sticking around with it - and that will create feeling of being stuck with angry, difficult, toxic people. I do not owe any explanation - I would think that my options are either to shut up and self censor or to engage in conflict and trying the difficult people to understand what they are doing wrong. In most cases - any explanation cannot penetrate evil - since it is evil, it cannot change. I cannot change storm and bad periods of time, I cannot control other people - in the same way my option in most cases is to mute, ignore and minimize contact with difficult people.
I like the example from one you tube video where one author says that he even blocks and mutes his own family members - if they leave annoying comments. He does not hate them, he simply creates his own ambient without criticism in space where he is in charge. We tend to rationalize free speech and feedback as need to have toxic people around us. Toxic people do not want freedom and they are not providing feedback at all. Toxic people spread confusion, obfuscation, worry loops without resolving - since they enjoy being stressed out, it is their natural habitat and they discovered that they can control others when they trigger them, run Skinner's box conditioning on them, when there is amygdala hijacking. That is what toxic people do with their "freedom" to express and speak what they want - they create evil and disorder, hidden in Trojan horse of feedback.
This confusion and fuzzy logic is repetitive theme for social anxiety, trauma and panic issues and avoidance. How to recognize and make distinction that something is bad, negative, harmful when in reality it is not, it only appears so, while in others there is toxic element that needs to be rejected. As I said before, this is impossible. We will make mistakes. We will make wrong decisions, no matter how much we tried not to make mistakes. The system is built that way. Instead of group-think, depending on other people explanations what is good or evil - we need to rely on our intrinsic values, intuition - with the knowledge that it may be wrong decision to take.
Conditioning plays the crucial role in developing trauma, anxiety issues, inner critic and trauma bonding. With narcissistic abuse our brain will default to self blame - never questioning the authority for being mentally ill and wrong. Instead the self blame will direct toxic shame inside as the scapegoat for any mistake. Narcissistic abuse will set thinking patterns of seeking mistakes and labeling mistakes as personal flaw that proves someone is wrong by default. Fear of mistakes turns into perfectionism. Abuse conditions the target of abuse into subservient, fawning pattern, codependency and asking for permission, approval and validation - which of course never happens. Directed empathy plays as a glue that keeps abuse ongoing with sprinkled honeymoon phases. And what's at the heart of hysteria, panic and cognitive distortions and inner criticism is installing mentally ill pattern of thinking: exploiting dualism double binding phenomena as tool against one Self, one's character and one's self worth. With manipulation - any action can and will be explained as error and mistake and personal flaw and something to be ashamed, mocked, punished and abused. This is at the heart of mobbing and bullying and this pattern of self blame through any action is at the heart of social anxiety and trauma.
Therefore, changing mindset will not work at all - yet change in mindset looks like logical "cure" for hysteria and abuse. That I simply somehow magically switch off conditioning pattern and somehow magically start thinking in correct manner without inner critic and without self blame and without triggers. Cannot happen - mainly due to double binding. Any tool used by manipulator, narcissist and abuser at any level is used in clever way, that is why this is called manipulation. Since any action can be labeled as evil and wrong, in the same way, any action can be labeled as cure and correct. That is why abusers will break off someone's self esteem, self worth and Self - and instead install and condition the target into toxic shame - since through toxic shame it is possible to control and maneuver and make believe the target into lies and explanations provided by abuser.
This is why talking freely, being honest, being transparent and questioning the facts provided by abuser will be met with force and abuse. Aggressive mentally ill abusers and manipulators hate criticism since it exposes their evil, hidden agenda and mental illness. The target of abuse ought to have super human strength not to fall into trap of reactive abuse and calmly describe the truth, without engaging in fight response - and this still will not work, since abuser is egocentric, tied into fantasy world created in madness.
The solution to "over-sensitivity to criticism" is to realize dualism, non existence of ultimate truth and having idea to separate abusive, narcissistic, aggressive mentally ill predators from opposing opinion - whereas the opposing opinion has every right to exist, due to dualism. And if it bothers us too much due to unprocessed, unresolved trauma - instead of trying to resolve and calm the instigator, we can mute and block without hate behind such decision to minimize contact.
In reality, abusers will play victim role - to silence out the real victims. Then the real victims will feel blame for being abused or the abuse will be rationalized as something to overcome and something that is needed, as abuser will explain.
I do not encourage comparing with other people - however I would use comparing with other people for the analogy and truth discovery and observing alternative ambient that is not observable otherwise. If we reject CBT's outlook that social anxiety is mindset hallucination and personal flaw - then we are left with the startling comparison with people who do not have social anxiety issues. The only explanation that is obvious falls on the fact that the difference is in ability to cut toxic people. That kind, nice, friendly and open people will try to keep friends with everyone and that is not healthy - since there are toxic people out there. Without ability to allow myself to feel social anxiety and allow myself to avoid toxic people - I would stay in contact and try to fix them and change them - for the purpose of higher good, as if I am capable to do so and that I am not allowed to ignore, mute and walk away from them. Well that is what people without social anxiety do. That is why they do not feel social anxiety. CBT is misleading victims of abuse to stay in toxic ambient to develop strength and abilities to handle manipulative abusers. Which is a lie - since I have tested being annoying and direct with CBT practitioners, and all of them cut contact and avoided and further conversation and social engagement. None of them exhibited curiousness, investigation, engagement, social skills nor assertiveness - they simply cut contact and ignored or muted me. While in the same time they profess for socially anxious to stick around in toxic ambient and to not avoid people in order to "heal" social anxiety.
If I allow myself to feel anxiety, accept it and allow it to be there, I would stop avoiding feeling toxic people and reacting to them. In the same time I would talk more easily and have confidence that internet gurus promise so much. If I understand that I am allowed to block, mute and ignore toxic people I will have confidence to know I have shield and ability to deflect dangerous bullies and abusers and mentally ill aggressive borderliners out there, without serving them, without being pushover, without worrying what they think about me.
"Give the GIFT of safety, today."
This made me realize that my people pleasing issues, fawning and being pushover that I learned through CBT instructions was me being instructed in actually trying to give gift of safety to all - including bullies and toxic people - and that kept me in the freeze-fawn stuck in such trauma response.
Yet - this 'giving gift' instruction works alright - afterall.
The trick is to cut out and cut off toxic people.
We don't. Nobody told us we are allowed to minimize, ward off, ignore, mute and fence off toxic people.
Instead we're instructed by CBT and general society to stay open to everyone 24/7 without borders due to sociology related in creating society in general where there is trust in other people - to attain Long spoon analogy as the final goal, interdependence.
"If we avoid feeling the gamut of our emotions, specifically anger, we WILL turn it inward, and our nervous system will Freeze to overcompensate.
When anger isn’t given space for expression, depression comes in it’s stead."
To make it more complex and tricky, nobody told us nor explained us that anger is not like in Hollywood movies, nor it is temper tantrums hysteria that we observed in our toxic ambient - which all results us to mislabel anger and thus not processing it at all.
"If you try to fit into every situation, you will lose authenticity and originality.
I can see through the Vail of people like that and I hate them.
I love Real and authentic people who stand for their convictions."
That is true, however; Up to the certain point.
If we were truly real and authentic - this can lead to infinity issue or insanity. True real and authentic self is lazy, smells bad and does nothing nor care about anything.
Think about it as 3rd rock from the Sun - being alien on Earth & u need to fit in.
"Honestly though, is wearing a mask being fake?"
There is Narcissistic mask and Jung's Mask.
Psychopaths fake pretend in order to extort, exploit and destroy other people.
Healthy people adjust to the world only for the goal of reaching interdependence, friendly communication, exchange or perhaps both enjoyable as having sex.
Social anxiety is not issue with interaction as primary concern. For example, issues with maintaining eye contact, business talk or informal small talk, talking with strangers, confidence, Spotlight effect etc.
By definition, social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
Being obsessed about other people and their admiration is more narcissism than social anxiety.
Social anxiety is being in job type of situation and people yell and scream at you and you cannot leave but you must endure violence, attacks, their obscenity and vulgarity and abuse. The obsession about other people comes to avoid their aggression. The obsession is not based on their lack of love that we believe we are entitled to receive. Social anxiety is basically being victim of abuse, bullying and mobbing. Anything other is narcissistic disorder: desire to be admired by others and then feeling anxiety when there is no narcissistic supply.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
If we're starting to dissociate, it's a signal from our nervous system that we're getting triggered or overwhelmed.
I dunno if "why?" is the most useful question in that moment.
"What MIGHT help me feel 1% safer right now?" might be a better tack in a moment of panic or pain.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Heal your inner child so you stop ending up with people that want you to fix them.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
NOBODY'S anxiety has ever ACTUALLY been lessened by judgment & shame.
Even if they quit talking about it.
cynthia, TWITTER:
Some thoughts:
Experiencing trauma & abuse ourselves does not automatically translate into being “trauma-informed” in our relating, nor does it mean we’re able to offer safe or competent care to other survivors. It also does not automatically make us advocates for survivors.
I say this for a few reasons:
1) If you’ve been traumatized by abuse, please don’t feel like you now must learn to speak up for survivors or become an advocate or helper. In fact, it’s ok if you never do those things & if you choose to focus solely on your own healing.
2) Many who experience trauma are good-willed in their desire for fellow survivors, but they’re not ready to give bc they’ve not been on the receiving end of care long enough. “Helping” may do more harm than good to themselves & others (burnout, giving poor advice, etc.).
3) While many survivors are loving, kind people full of shared understanding & empathy that serves other survivors so incredibly well, some people who experience abuse & trauma choose to then abuse others. As we know, not all survivors are caring, helpful, or safe people.
licensed unprofessional., TWITTER:
Stay away from friends who attempt to “embarrass” you or bring up private moments in front of strangers as a “joke”.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Don't ever let anyone make you feel crazy because you figured them out.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Listen to your soul.. it never lies to you.
Karim, TWITTER:
Be careful who you let in.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Flashbacks are scary, disorienting, disruptive experiences. Don't expect yourself to immediately go back to "normal" after you come out of one.
You need a breather & time to collect yourself after a flashback. It can feel similar to coming close to getting in a car accident.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
If you have a trauma history, chances are setting boundaries will spike some very real, VERY physical anxiety reactions.
DON'T let your racing pulse & clammy hands convince you you're wrong to set a boundary or that you can't do it-- your body's just responding to old tapes.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Ignore your weaknesses and resist the temptation to be more like others.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Debrief w/ yourself after a flashback. Write about what led up to it & how you came out of it. Notice patterns. Notice what helped-- ANYTHING that helped-- & keep track of ANYTHING that made it worse.
We CAN learn to understand our flashbacks-- w/ patience & self-compassion.
Navalism, TWITTER:
"Sing the song that only you can sing, write the book that only you can write, build the product that only you can build... live the life that only you can live."
Dr. Thema, TWITTER:
Growth is when you stop treating warning signs like green lights.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Most harassment is a form of discrimination.
Vijay k. Govil, TWITTER:
We r projecting our imagination in the context of headline
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Workplace bullies often target employees who are fair, honest and ethical or have strong morals and integrity. Especially if the bully(s) does not possess those fine traits or if the target's values conflict with those of the bully(s)
Whistleblowers who expose crimes are targets
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Blocking, muting, ignoring, and learning not to care too much for toxic, jealous, egoistic, and manipulative people is real self-care.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
There is no such thing as a good manipulator. They will never respect your individual rights... Plan your exit.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
If we awaken to the truth: that people’s behavior isn’t actually about us. Our inner child also has to grieve the reality that we aren’t actually the focus of people’s live the way we wish we were.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We don't pay enough attention to how seemingly unsolvable financial problems contribute to suicidality.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Look at things as they are, not as your emotions color them.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Never force yourself to fit in ... Follow your soul, it knows the way.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Being happy is your superpower.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You're only crazy to people who can't manipulate you.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Bullying is a lifelong behavior that doesn’t end in middle school.
Adults bully people at work, in “high” political positions, on mainstream talk shows as comedy, or on social media in the form of “call outs.”
Bullying is so common we don’t even see it.
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
What you see in the world around you is a reflection of who you are.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Affirmation: I trust myself. Just as there’s trauma stored in my body there’s generational wisdom that’s always guiding me. An inner knowing that goes beyond the human mind. I listen.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Disagreements are fine, disrespect is not.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Don't let the behaviour of others destroy your mental and emotional peace.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
I’m a psychologist who stopped using diagnosis years ago. They’re symptoms. They’re adaptations— the result of the “invisible” effects of childhood trauma that we just call “normal.” Our bodies try to keep us safe & we need to start teaching this.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
If you are conscious of your childhood trauma and you are doing your best to heal it you are miles ahead of the person who has no idea it is running every aspect of their life. Keep going.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma survivors have had enough drama to last a lifetime.
Some of what the world sees as avoidance or numbing symptoms of PTSD are actually survivors trying to maintain some f*cking peace & predictability for more than five minutes for once in their lives.
Freya Hardy, TWITTER:
That is exactly it. If I'm avoiding or numbing out I'm doing it to regulate and cope.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
The world is full of fools—people who cannot wait to get results, who change with the wind, who can’t see past their noses. You encounter them everywhere: the indecisive boss, the rash colleague, the hysterical subordinate. When working alongside fools, do not fight them.
Instead think of them the way you think of children, or pets, not important enough to affect your mental balance. Detach yourself emotionally. And while you’re inwardly laughing at their foolishness, indulge them in one of their more harmless ideas.
The ability to stay cheerful in the face of fools is an important skill.
licensed unprofessional., TWITTER:
Let others be who they are in PEACE. See others for who they are, but also, PLACE THEM WHERE THEY BELONG.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Rule #1 : Make sure you’re happy first
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Gaslighting is like fighting a war where the enemy’s strategy is to convince you that the war isn’t actually happening.
licensed unprofessional., TWITTER:
If people were better parents, a lot of mental illness diagnoses wouldn’t exist.
Haley Biddanda, TWITTER:
(2) It’s clear that nobody with mental illness was consulted in the programming or organization of the unit. Telling mentally ill people to “just relax” or “be happy because it could be worse” is incredibly patronizing and actually escalates many people.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
If you are constantly looking for ways to feel safe in your life it’s because you grew up believing that safety wasn’t within your reach.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Spend your time on those who love you unconditionally. Don't waste it on those who only love you when the conditions are right for them.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Just because a person doesn't put hands on you, that doesn't mean they aren't abusive. Abuse is control, manipulation, blatant disrespect, and also hurtful words. Don't settle for emotional and mental abuse thinking it's okay because it's nothing physical.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Trauma teaches you to close your heart and armor up. Healing teaches you to open your heart and boundary up.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Just because everyone else is doing it DOESN'T mean that it's okay with you. Your boundaries, rights, morals and ethical integrity are how you live your life by.. Don't compromise anything about yourself to fit in. It's not worth your Soul..
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Sometimes people pretend you're a bad person so they don't feel guilty for the way they treated you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
One of the basic human rights a narcissist takes away from you is the right to be angry with them. No matter how badly they treated you, your voice shouldn't rise.
The privilege of rage is reserved for them alone.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Results are important, but the way they are achieved, the process, is equally important.
People with covert narcissism may lack interest in socializing or avoid it due to social anxiety, fear of comparing themselves with others, or envy.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/covert-narcissist#signs
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
Trust your intuition. It will tell you when its time to distance yourself from certain people who no longer align with you mentally, emotionally, physically or energetically.
licensed unprofessional., TWITTER:
When you grew up in chaos, red flags look like love.
Unkonfined, TWITTER:
Let whoever think whatever.
Navalism, TWITTER:
"If you can’t be happy with a coffee, you won’t be happy with a yacht."
Wise Chimp, TWITTER:
Vibe alone until you’re valued.
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
Don’t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It's hard to meaningfully think about what we need, when we're busy blaming & shaming ourselves for needing, you know, anything.
If we're gonna recover in the real world, we gotta cop to the fact that real humans have needs, & we're kinda vulnerable. Even you. Even me.
Wise Chimp, TWITTER:
If you want to be trusted, be honest.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
True, must most can't handle honest..
Philosophy Quotes, TWITTER:
Pain really changes you.
4444444, TWITTER:
If you pay attention to people that are real, they’re isolated.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Sometimes, employees are actually hired to be a scapegoat... Someone to blame for their own crimes.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissistic personalities intentionally stalk, bully, harass, belittle, slander, defame, exploit, mob, and manipulate their intended victims. 99% of the time victims are innocent and have done nothing wrong. Usually, victims are targeted for standing up for their rights...
Pastor West, TWITTER:
When they do finally come around. Be unavailable.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
A painful event turns into a traumatic event when the recipient is told it was their fault.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
The only guaranteed way to not offend or hurt someone by sharing your unsolicited advice is to not offer it.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
Action: Being told as a kid you were the problem.
Takeaway: I’m bad. I’m unwanted. I’m a burden.
Reality: They chose you to carry pain they won’t address. They made you to be responsible for them at a time when they were responsible for you.
Do what you need to live free.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
Before you attempt to give unsolicited advice to someone who is going through hardship, learn about the price they have already paid for their current pain.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
You won't be able to make sense of what was senseless. You won't be able to forgive what is unforgivable. You won't be able to adapt to others expectations of your healing, when they don't meet you where you are. You'll find peace when you respect what you have overcome.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Manipulation is a 'theft' of individual right to choose how their life is lived.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
If you want to seem natural, as if you are comfortable with yourself, you have to act the part; you have to train yourself to not feel nervous and to shape your appearance so that in your naturalness you don’t offend people or the group values.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic personalities feel entitled to violate your privacy.
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
Hard work: Easy work:
————— —————–
create criticize
inspire complain
educate imitate
empower control
develop blame
finish give up
collaborate ignore
trust exaggerate
love fear
unite separate
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
Not everything is worth fixing. Accept the situation and move on.
in spirituality, TWITTER:
9 traits of toxic people:
• Play Victim
• Don't listen
• Not sincere
• Manipulative
• Abuse power
• Make you feel bad
• They use "I" constantly
• Say "You're overracting"
• Take more than they give
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You don't have to be positive all the time. It's perfectly okay to feel safe, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared or anxious. Having feelings doesn't make you a negative person, it makes you human.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
It's a different type of pain when you don't cry anymore. You just take a deep breath and move forward!
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You don't owe anyone an apology about how you live your life. People gonna talk about you whether you do good or bad. So do you.
Ariela 🤍, TWITTER:
Your body will naturally feel calm in the presence of good people with pure intentions - trust it.
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
Be nice to people. Be polite, honest and self-aware. Have good manners, show gratitude, and give more than you take.
meditate not dissociate, TWITTER:
'trigger' refers to autonomic nervous system responses beyond our ability to choose. Only a perceived sense of safety based on a congruent and trustworthy environment/ society will allow a de-escalation of neurological stress response
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
Be humble and kind. You may be wrong.
Navalism, TWITTER:
"The modern mental illness is anxiety.
The symptom is inability to fall asleep.
The evidence is pills, meditation apps, opioids, and sleep trackers.
The causes are oversocialization and overstimulation."
Andrew Campbell, TWITTER:
Children who live in abusive homes don’t “grow up quickly”, they have their childhoods stolen from them.
Psychology 911, TWITTER:
Some people aren't actually anti social, they're just very selective when it comes to the people they associate with.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
limiting people's access to you is self-care
Bhavjot ✨(puv-jo-tuh), TWITTER:
big egos and bad communication ruin good things.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. Everyone admires the bold; no one honors the timid.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Sometimes avoidance isn't about fear, or even about shame. Sometimes it's just about wanting a breather from chaotic, painful feelings & body sensations for a minute-- & maybe that's NOT pathological, immature...or even all that weird.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
When a traumatized person is told to forgive & forget, they are being told to avoid healing. The offender does not hold the impacts of the trauma in their body. The younger version of us does. In order to heal from trauma, we must go where it is stored & heal it there.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When someone hurts us or breaks our trust regularly growing up + we can’t escape the environment— learned helplessness is the result.
We struggle to know as adults we have choice. We can ask for help. We can say NO.
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
A storm is not meant to destroy you, it is meant to mold you into your greatness!
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Be the reason someone feels welcomed, seen, heard, valued, loved and supported.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Toxic people will insist on getting respect from you, but will never show it to you!
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
If it matters to you.....
It's important!
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Workplace bullying is not a personality conflict. Never was. It's emotional abuse.
Jo 🌻, TWITTER:
I’m sick and f*cking tired of bad people getting away with doing bad things.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
You need to train yourself to pay less attention to the words that people say and greater attention to their tone of voice, the look in their eye, their body language—all signals that might reveal a nervousness or excitement that is not expressed verbally.
licensed unprofessional., TWITTER:
If somebody step on the back of your brand new shoes, pull your hair, break your heart, curse yo momma out—- are you going to “choose happiness”? NO. You’re going to be upset understandably and you have no control over that
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of you but those who have battles we know nothing about!
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Love isn’t blind. Our idea of what love looks like is learned beginning at birth. We repeat what we witnessed.
Mind Haste ⚡️, TWITTER:
When someone truly cares about you, they make an effort, not an excuse.
(5.9.2022)
Toxic people equate mistake with character. Narcissists are concerned about impression and validation from others.
Over-arousal I feel may not be fear at all - but I will label it as fear and then create panic symptoms.
Thought that I will be alone if I decide to take care of myself by cutting toxic people is virus. This is result of conditioning, Skinner's box.
Healing anxiety will mimic narcissism - since it takes to blame others, to blame toxic people. Disorder mimics healthy norms and this is causing false impressions such as conformism, that exposure is good to lessen the fear. Narcissist will engage in exposure to gain approval, while truly socially anxious people will self blame. From third party observes - the narcissist will seem to be healed, since they are focused on others, their care appears as charming and helpful and altruistic - but in reality they mimic help. This is particularly true for aggressive borderliners. On the other hand, socially anxious will appear as narcissist and toxic, as if seeking attention from others by pretending to be victim. In reality, truly anxious ones seek protection and do safety routines to avoid someone's attack - this will appear to third party as manipulation and having hidden agenda to exploit others. Narcissist lie and give unreliable narrator reality, while socially anxious report truth based on abuse which is unreliable narrator behind who conditioned their targets to self blame, self hate and self pathologize.
Talking about difference between social anxiety and narcissism -
there are two groups, people with true social anxiety composed by empaths and another group are narcissists, who are mimicking social anxiety to gain sympathy. Problem starts when CBT based it's research on narcissists who were pretending to be socially anxious. Truly socially anxious person will be obsessed by punishment and evil toxic behaviour from toxic people, this will be the core anxiety issue. Narcissists will be preoccupied about being liked and admired and their status is the primary concern.
This is creating a lot of confusion in description of social anxiety and the treatment. This is the reason why CBT ends up with fawning and being pushover - since CBT targets the narcissists. The purpose of people pleasing as after effect of CBT is to center and focus narcissist into humility and ability to empathize. Which is the worst possible advice to empaths who are already full of self depreciation and self limitation. Narcissists resolve their trauma by ignoring it and through fight response. This by definition is no longer emotion of anxiety, there is no social anxiety. There is anxiety being transformed into abuse, aggression, attack, control, nagging and complaining - and the only cure and anti-dote for aggression is people pleasing and empathy and understanding that attacking anyone who appears annoying is not solution. Empaths already know that fact very well. CBT thus causes severe additional anxiety to empaths with proposed instruction to ignore toxic people and to fawn to everyone and to stay stuck in abusive situations and to enter endless arguments with assertiveness instructions.
If we are aware that social anxiety is trauma response and after-effect of abuse, then the solution is not CBT. The solution is not avoidance, but listening to one's own gut feeling and avoiding everyone until self trust is not being built inside - whereas toxic shame is motor for social anxiety. Without trusting one's Self, there can never be decision and there will never be intrinsic locus of control. This means relying on my decisions - with mistakes included. CBT's advice to label own emotions as hallucination and to ignore the fact that toxic people exist is narcissistic abuse - since it involves self invalidation and gaslighting. The additional damage are false and wrong messages from the community which claims to be socially anxious. Narcissist will mis-label their aggression as anxiety. Anxiety by default is fawning and people pleasing, it is actually being weak and vulnerable - so any confrontation, annoyance, irritation, attack, fight response - is not anxiety. When narcissist decide to resolve trauma by hurting and controlling people who are easy target for them - they try to not be vulnerable nor weak, and that is core narcissism. Without separating narcissism from social anxiety, social anxiety seems confusing, muddled and unclear - and without clarity we are stuck in a dark room where we cannot move freely - there are unseen objects in the way popping up out of nowhere. Once we are aware that narcissist mimic social anxiety - suddenly a lot of things will make sense that caused confusion before. It will make sense why there are socially anxious people who are rude and violent and aggressive. Narcissists and aggressive borderliners will fake and mimic empathy to gain approval, trust and fawning from others. So that their abuse and mood swings can be easily justified and normalized and never objected. "It is trauma, so it is ok to scream, demand and nag all the time".
With information about narcissism and social anxiety - it is way more easier for empaths to start blocking, muting, ignoring toxic people. Suddenly it makes sense to cut toxic people - since the fear which is behind codependency - which was programmed in school and close nit connections - where it was impossible to ignore someone since it would back fire in direct violence by back-stabbing - now as adults we do not need to resolve other people's emotions and we do not need to wait them out. Toxic people cannot hurt us in the same way as they did during growing up when we were conditioned into submission and normalizing abuse as something that we must face with silence and approval to survive. Empaths create, narcissist parasite over - so narcissist need others for narcissistic supply. Empaths do not need others, with intrinsic locus of control - once toxic shame is gone, we can rely on our superEgo to give us comfort and approval and validation. We do not need toxic people for support and acknowledgement. Toxic people will make us believe that we need them for survival. This was programmed into our thinking by abuse in childhood and inability to hide and separate from abusers. This is why cutting toxic people works - it gives us sense of boundary and protection and ability to create psychological security necessary for mental health, balance and basis for healthy relationships.
For anyone with true social anxiety which means fawning and trauma bonding and being afraid of being attacked - the concept of allowing to cut contact with toxic people is mind freeing. Toxic people break bonds with rude behaviour. When I know I can cut contact and that I will cut contact with toxic person at any time - this gives me freedom to be more selective, as oppose to accept anyone who is kind and nice - only to realize they are aggressive and manipulative and covert narcissists later on. This way I can pay attention how people react when I am honest with them, when I say no and when I disagree and when I speak honestly and authentically. Which is the connected with toxic shame. If I am kind and nice person without urge to exploit or hurt other people - there is nothing worth of attack. If someone cannot handle any behaviour, opinion which is not unkind or violent - it means they are toxic - because they feel entitled to something they feel they must control. If I cross boundary by being rude and unkind, of course it is natural that I am scorned and criticized. However if scorn and criticism comes when I did nothing wrong - this is manipulation. I believe this is at the heart of social anxiety.
Empaths and high moral, high ethical standards will expose toxic people over and over again. Having standards means that toxic people cannot control someone - and this is why social anxiety occurs.
Narcissists who mimic social anxiety are concerned about their own personal standards which are selfish.
Truly social anxious empaths and HSPs and intelligent ethical individuals are concerned about general standards for the principles of what is right and wrong in the whole context - which may include society, planet, universe, it is universal principles behind. And that is difference between narcissists who mimic social anxiety and truly socially anxious targets of abuse by toxic people who cannot handle high standards - and toxic people will get triggered by the truth spoken by someone who has high moral standards. Toxic people will feel anxious and attacked when their own hidden goals, selfish interest and exploitation is threatened. Narcissist who mimic social anxiety traits and symptoms are triggered when their selfish interests are threatened. This can be unconscious and narcissists are unaware of this, they go by instinct, they will feel attacked - and unlike socially anxious they will attack and be unkind and aggressive which is another giveaway that they are mimicking social anxiety.
Where CBT will direct and instruct socially anxious people to accept everyone into their private life for the goal of exposure, which results in trauma bonding - with cutting toxic people out we are in control who enters our personal circle - and this means accepting social anxiety as it is: signal to avoid toxic people and to be careful in social settings. Instead of saying yes to anyone and embracing anyone who appears it is about filtering and going through the process of knowing someone before we let them in, which is the basic message of social anxiety: to wait, filter out and be careful with people in general.
The difference between narcissists who mimic social anxiety and truly socially anxious victim of abuse is that narcisisst will block someone based on what they perceice as injured self-image, while victim of abuse with social anxiety will block someone based on possible violence and aggression from the aggressive behaviour presented to them. Narcissist will reject others who cannot exploit, who cannot be their source of narcissistic supply. Socially anxious person will have hard time cutting contact due to perceived toxic shame, inability to handle and manage life due to conditioned social anxiety through abuse. If socially anxious person cut contact it will be general avoidance that appears fake since in the direct confrontation there will be mask. Narcissist in the direct confrontation is aggressive and rude and have no anxiety in expressing hatred. Overt narcissists will not have mechanism to stop slander, they do not care how the other person will feel. Covert narcissists are harder to spot - they will give mixed signals instead, a lot of unclarity. Narcissists with mimicking social anxiety want to exert control over someone to get narcissistic supply. Socially anxious traumatized individuals want to run away from danger, there is no need to exploit someone. What is confusing is that socially anxious individuals will seem to control other people - by expressing their hope that abuse will stop and abuser will become kind - where the control is not the ultimate goal. The ultimate hope is that abuser will stop the abuse. Covert narcissists thus stuck along for adult socially anxious individuals since coverts mimick this hope that they will become one day non-abusive. Mixed signals are manipulation and it is message that there will be no change in abuse dosage that coverts provide. This mixed signals and mimicking are traits of aggressive borderliners and it is source of a lot of confusion and gaslighting when in contact with manipulators.
This is interesting point in social anxiety. Truly socially anxious individuals, sensitive empaths and victims of abuse and traumatized individuals have this recognition of predators and abusers mixed up. This ability to predict, recognize and deflect abusers is muddled - and thus it contains anxiety from society in general. Triggers and flashbacks get lodged in the mind and brain and thinking process - so anyone who appears as abusers if flagged as painful. There is no anger. There is no attempt to study and scientifically evalue - since trauma and abuse was conditioned into targets not to question the abuser. The fault was hypnotized and programmed into self blame, self hate and toxic shame, ingrained belief that I am unable to handle anything and I must depend on other people to survive. The systematic abuse that was created to gain control was composed of messages that I am stupid, unworthy, not acceptable, invalidation is at the core. This invalidation is trauma - where I deny my instinct and natural responses in anyone who appears dangerous and predatory - and the only natural instinct left is to avoid people and have social anxiety, as protective mechanism. That is totally different from social anxiety symptoms that appears in narcissists. Narcissist feels social anxiety only when their narcissistic supply is cut off and when they use social anxiety as a mean to gain sympathy and attract followers.
This is the reason why decision to start cut anyone toxic is so healing - it offers the protection that was taken away from us in childhood and left us to people please and self blame ourselves as a mean to survive the torrent of abuse, unfair criticism and aggression. As soon as we can have space to build self love and self validation - it will be easier to make fare judgement and make clearer choices and to make easier discern about who is truly toxic and who appears toxic. With trauma - any criticism will appear as abuse and attack. This is trauma response, conditioned hypnosis - which CBT explains as hallucination.
Another difference between narcisissts who mimic social anxiety and truly socially anxious ones is that narcissist engage in fight response - which makes them mostly toxic to others and at long term toxic to themselves. On the other hand, truly socially anxious ones will engage in Flight, Freeze, Fawn response - which is also toxic, however the toxicity is turned inward mostly. We are toxic to others only at the expense of not being around them, not helping them with true intentions, not being present with others due to fears of punishment. Toxicity will be turned inward via inner critic, rumination, trying to resolve the unsolvable and trying to fit into crap. Narcissists create crap and parasite on good and nice people and exploit others since they are unable to create anything functional and healthy on their own. The goal for truly socially anxious ones is harmony and peace - even at the cost of one's health - while narcissistic goal is selfish exploitation and control. Socially anxious ones will feel blame and guilt when warned about their people pleasing and fawning issues - while narcissists will never admit any blame. Narcissists will always blame shift and never apologize or admit any vulnerability.
So CBT will set us up to remain, seek and stay in abusive relationships - since CBT will instructs us to solve our issue with social anxiety by being with other people whom we are being told are not toxic - and if we feel abuse - that is our thoughts that are distorted - and we need to resolve and solve our thoughts in order to crap fit into narcissistic abuse and manipulators. And if there is narcissistic bait - that we engage in endless assertiveness where we will state how we feel and what we want - which is narcissistic supply for manipulators who will use gaslighting, blame shift, goal post shifting to keep us hooked to resolve issues that they literally invent.
Boundary up is trauma healing - and boundary does not mean being hypervigilant - it is going with the flow. If I feel rudeness - I cut it out and then think about it. It is not about worrying and fawning as before. When I create psychological security I will feel better and I will feel safe when I know I can rely on myself that I will protect myself from toxic people. Fawning, exposing to abuse as instructed by CBT is telling myself that I cannot protect myself - which will result in social anxiety and panic. The worst things is that I cannot see nor perceive that all people are already doing this. They cut people out automatically and naturally. They do not force themselves to tolerate abuse. The way they are rude to others is the way how they learned to boundary up. What I perceive as abuse and being unkind is other people's tool to boundary up. For me, their unkidness and rudeneness will appear as aggression and then sprinkle up as social anxiety inside me. In reality, their rudeness and aggression is their boundary up, system how they protect themselves. In toxic ambient, speaking the truth will cause them to interpret attack. So it is my duty not to get into endless arguments - but to make clear what is going on. It is always that I make it clear what is the truth - if someone is aggressive and rude, they ought to be accountable for their mistreatment. In their toxic minds I will appear as toxic and aggressive - so obvious solution is to define what is toxic. My opinions, demands, definitions, urge and needs, reactions and any action is not based on exploitation and harming others - this needs to make it clear for others who interpret cognitive dissonance that they feel - because they do not think at all - is to make it clear for them, and move on. Most people will not think, they will judge. This means I cannot form close relationships with everyone, as I was instructed by CBT to expose to abuse and abusive people to "heal" anxiety and any social feelings of inhibition that appear as phobias.
I would focus on narcissistic abuse and toxic people the most to bring out the polarization, the extreme, to point out what is the worst possible scenario: that unreasonable, scary, traumatic, triggering behaviour is part of psychopathy. With fawning this scenario is out of picture, since people pleasing programming sets the brain to idolize the abuser: Stockholm Syndrome. This is why I see the importance in bringing up the choice in thinking to consider and seek clues and look for smallprint to see what is really going on. If there is a repeating pattern of invalidation. Along with psychopathy there is yet another scenario that trauma programming does not allow: that is the person who is abusive is faking. They are pretending to abuse for whatever reason. It is easy to control someone who is traumatized by yelling, screaming, nitpicking, criticizing - so Machiavellians may simply act abusive in order to get what they want. It even doesn't have to do with psychopathy. For example in the comedy movie "Fletch lives" (1989), Chevy Chase plays undercover reporter who is investigating pollution. He goes to investigate by pretending to be very angry customer. He is not angry at all, and he is not customer at all - he only plays this part in order to get certain information for higher good - to uncover the crime.
These two scenarios - severe psychopathy and play acting along leads to social anxiety resolution - to what degree can someone who is triggering hurt me? Can they fire me? Can they harm me? Can they do anything directly dangerous? And if not, how can I respond - along with panic symptoms that is not usual fawning response.
And here is important point - I will feel triggered, the triggers will activate amygdala hijacking, I've been talking about this in earlier blogs about social anxiety. This state of panic will come - I cannot change it, I cannot modulate it - if I try to nitpick it I will make it worse and it will last longer, similar to scratching the allergy patch, the act of scratching makes it worse. And that is the important point - am I in physical danger when someone is rude and aggressive. The trigger will mask and muddle the reality - I will not be able to separate if I am in real danger or it is only the embarrassement that no one will remember without any consequences - even if I yell back and use fight response?
With trauma this response is messed up. In real danger - I would freeze, as I did in life. I would not move. In made up danger, someone's temper tantrum - I would fawn and try to regulate and save them.
So - the point in trauma healing is to know how to react in dangerous and difficult situations - not as a way to control situation, but to know how to respond without psychological damage to myself, as I learned in childhood. That I end up with shame, guilt and toxic shame in order to satisfy the insane person on the other side to stop badgering.
If I am able to accept the fact that when triggered I will feel panic and uncomfortable emotions and inner critic and black thinking and catastrophizing - the next is focus on clues and laboratory environment - to evaluate if I am in real danger.
It is obvious that if I am in real danger - that fawning or any reaction to please abuser is not pathology. Nothing to blame myself.
In situation where there is no physical danger - I can use up resources and experiment with reactions that I have not made before - such as ignore, tell my thing, leave, yell back. The experiment is not to use it permanently - it is only that I see that nothing dangerous will happen.
I would then go to the next level - it is to realize that irratic people can be because they are psychopaths but also because they are acting out - they can act to get what they want or they can act due to trauma of their own without being aware that they are being hysterical.
Then with psychology knowledge I know that if someone is dysregulated and triggered - that I cannot change them, I cannot control them. What I see is the best solution is to warn them about their accounatability. That is to see if they will come to their senses.
I would leave and cut contact if this clearly is pattern and not one time incident.
At one hand we need to give and provide ourselves psychological security ambient - otherwise anxiety will do this for us. On another hand we need to give other people a shadow of doubt, perhaps our judgement is too quick, clouded and shrowded with things outside of our awareness and we need to stay off from quick oversimplifications and jumping to quick conclusions - especially if we cannot have the whole picture, we cannot judge someone by single event, one incident that may as well be reactive abuse.
The amazing thing about cutting contact is that is allows us to be kind and nice to everyone. Without any attachment we won't feel trauma bond and we can actually turn people pleasing into social skill - being good to others. With staying in abusive attachments there is anger and resentment covered up with trying to resolve the abuse and calm down the abuser. With ability to cut contact I no longer have burden to please or calm down anyone, and instead of any attachment I can be "normally" kind and nice as I am usually with anyone else. This way I will not work against ingrained habits, I will not fight with anxiety and I will not be in civil war with my head - I will both continue doing what I learned and what is not my personality trait along with protecting myself. I do not owe anyone to save them, I am not rescuer and I have no ability, no resources, nothing to be one.
Another overlapping and mislabeling of social anxiety with narcissism is the fact that socially anxious people have high moral standards - and this will irritate most people that do not think, they judge. So we will annoy many people and then feel this annoyance as social anxiety - since we were programmed to self abuse ourselves - where instead it would be correct to label feelings of social anxiety as anger. Then we can retort and cut toxic people. This act of self defense and expressing our own opinion - could and is labeled as narcissism to toxic people who ashame others. Narcisissm is abuse, it is being rude to others and controlling others. Socially anxious people do not abuse, they are not rude and they do not control others - they only express their opinion without obligation or desire to manipulate others. Toxic people will project their narcisssism and control onto socially anxious targets - and we may believe them. This is where narcissism and social anxiety get intertwined. Since we are not narcissists, we will tend to self blame and try to fix ourselves - and then label our social anxiety as sickness - while in reality it is anger to unfair treatment and injustice.
Narcissism is mimicking social anxiety.
The difference is:
Narcissists are afraid of reaction from other people.
Socially anxious are afraid of attack from other people.
So narcissists are afraid of abandonment and losing narcissistic supply - where socially anxious would be delighted to be left alone and that trash takes itself out. Huge difference.
Narcissists main preoccupation is self pleasure and getting admiration without taking into consideration other people, other people's emotions and other people's circumstances and position - where socially anxious would be fawning to evade punishment and aggression as primary concern which include taking into consideration other people's emotions, other people's stance and where other people are coming from, often trying to resolve through overthinking other people's discomfort and provide solutions to them. Narcissists on the other hand are creating problems, shift goals and keep chaos ongoing since it is source of their validation and effort to achieve entitlement that they feel they deserve. It is narcissist entitlement that is driving force behind social anxiety hysteria, while for truly socially anxious ones the driving force is conditioned response to abuse.
Social anxiety and narcissism intertwines when socially anxious person chooses to speak up and express own opinion. Then what happens it that this truth will trigger toxic people - they will feel threatened by the truth, and then toxic people will project their narcissism onto socially anxious targets. And this is the difference - where socially anxious people will believe their accusations and shut up and develop social fears and shut up and avoid people as the response to accusations which are nothing more than projections. This needs to be confronted.
Whenever we will speak up - we need to expect that our thoughts, opinions, actions will trigger toxic people - that is number one awareness. Another one is that we need to know whatever they say is narcissistic baiting, not the truth.
This process of speaking up the truth is being confident - that is this Hollywood super entitity which mistifies social anxiety gurus. It comes down to being in psychological security of speaking ones mind. The problem is that socially anxious people are far more intelligent, far more invested in matters and think things deeply and througly - which means socially anxious people will be common target for abuse and bullying when speaking up. We need to be aware of this phenomena - that people cannot handle the truth. We can modulate the truth so that it does not come out as order, command or reprimand.
Another difference between narcisissm and social anxiety is in report. Narcissist will be loud and spoken, they will have no problem in speaking up. While socially anxious ones will be silent and self censor. This is repetative issue - where loud, obnoxious, entitled people get their needs met, while sensitive ones are left without resources. This is where the "confidence" is mixed up with strength and this is motor to narcissist to feel entitled to anything.
Then social anxiety becomes much more clearer. It is about feeling scared in unknown social situations where it is expected to escalate into temper tantrums, explosions and wars very quickly, as it was in complex trauma years while growing up. It is feeling floating in the space without nothing to hold on except other people's approval. Once there is clear distinction between narcissism holding on to people due to admiration - it is clear that inability to cut toxic people is causing social anxiety trauma bonding, inability to feel anger, to recognize social anxiety as stuck anger, and that I can allow myself to have natural reactions, leave situation and most importantly not to self blame nor self pathologize dysregulation which will happen due to triggers.
"Solution" to social anxiety is acceptance of anxiety, acceptance of our Self. This means in social situations I need to have idea, goal in my mind which works in general - since the reality is that problems which are the cause of anxiety and being blocked and immobile and triggered - are mysterious, these problems will not be clear. They will appear muddled, unclear and it will always feel like floating in space. Due to high moral standards and having ability to pick predators - this means I have to accept being target of bullying. So learning special techniques is wrong approach - since it would signal my brain that I am inept to handle difficult situations and whatever comes up - any problem will be like nothing until now, I cannot solve new problems by copy paste the same scenario or instructions from before - since it would not be problem if I had solution in stand-by.
So I see the logic that people out there handle life without having hidden instructions and without thinking too much about it. This means - that what I need is general knowledge about what bugs me about social anxiety. Knowing about trauma and bullying means that I know how to handle difficult people - which are triggers and only blockage related to social anxiety. And this encorporates cutting toxic people off - immediately and indiscrimenately to anyone rude and giving negative vibes, being willing to be alone. And to express myself - without self censorship. And most importantly - that I do not resolve toxic people. I can leave them undone and muddled as they appear. It is not my job to sort them out. I can trust that they are handling their life and decisions in the best possible way. This is the secret of all people without anxiety issues, they do not think, they do not focus on seeking solutions at all.
Of course, with empathy and trauma experience - I will never ever be able to totally block all people and all worry. So I can help my brain by not adding up unnecessary worry and I can prove my brain that I can make myself safe - by not trauma bonding with other people as I falsely learned through programming in abuse and by faulty therapy such as CBT. I would allow natural reactions with mistakes included - making myself embarrassed with stupid actions and words that will spring up naturally in any social situations.
This is the beauty of accepting social anxiety - it means that I do not change anything. I go along with my instincts and natural reactions - which may as well include having fears and reactions to rude people - which I no longer need to feel ashamed about or be panicked about. Observing dysregulation as a storm to wait to pass helps a lot, instead of being hysterical about it and trying mechanisms and tools to pathologize it and this making it worse.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Affirmation: I am recovering from people pleasing. I am free to disappoint people. People can deal with being disappointed. I take care of me. I am learning what it feels like to put myself first & to keep myself safe.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
You inner child needs to hear it wasn’t your fault. That you’re safe now. And that it’s ok to do things you love, just because you love them.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Self care is very important because bad people think that they are good.
Art Of Philosophy, TWITTER:
Disappear. Come back better.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Emotional maturity is knowing to not immediately say what you think or feel. At the core of emotional immaturity is the inability to sit with something before you share it.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
When your personal boundaries are protecting you, there is no longer a need to people-please.
Actively Healing, TWITTER:
Abusers never think they're abusive
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Healing is when you finally let your inner child feel the disappointment & anger in regards to your unpleasant childhood with a narcissist parent.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We DON'T have to create systems in which trauma survivors HAVE to retell their stories again & again to new people in order to access services (or be acknowledged as survivors in need of help).
Retelling the narrative ALWAYS carries w/ it risk of destabilization.
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
Showing your emotions to toxic people (narcs) is like bleeding next to a shark.
Ja’Nisha Robinson, MS, LPC, TWITTER:
Everything is temporary. This is both a harsh reality & our saving grace.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You really gotta watch how people "joke" with you. People throw a lot of hate and jealously on the low and cover it with a laugh.
Arthur Schopenhauer, TWITTER:
“The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.”
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
A narcissist lives to impress strangers, not loved ones. Your supply is already guaranteed.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Trauma is held in the body. You need to release it by moving your body every day, otherwise it stagnates and festers. Even if you can’t leave the house, find something online that allows your body to RELEASE that trauma.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
"Avoidance" gets a lot of sh*t, but we're not doing anyone a favor by engaging overwhelming feelings or trauma memories before we're ready.
If you were a fighter, would you be doing anyone but your opponent a favor by accepting the big fight before you were in good enough shape? Before you'd practiced the skills and devised the strategy you needed to survive & win? Of course not.
You might WANT to take the fight before you're ready. Athletes are often competitive and want to get in there. I believe trauma survivors are the MMA fighters of therapy clients-- tough, scrappy, motivated...but with an opponent that's often stronger & cleverer than it seems.
A good coach-- that is to say, a good trauma therapist-- won't let you get in there before you're ready. Before there's a plan in place, & a backup plan, & a backup to the backup plan. Before you've done the emotional strength training & psychological cardio you'll need to WIN.
A good coach-- a good trauma therapist-- will tell you the truth about whether & when you're ready to take on trauma memories. And just like in a pro fight, the success of this project depends WAY more on the preparatory work-- the training & conditioning-- than anything else.
I often hear therapy called an "art." I've never liked the metaphor. I find recovery-- which is about more than just therapy-- more like a boxing gym. It's a place where we grow strong, where we face our doubts & demons, where we lose our egos & rebuild ourselves.
Bhavjot ✨(puv-jo-tuh), TWITTER:
you can’t heal what you refuse to feel.
Art Of Philosophy, TWITTER:
When you are angry, stay silent.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You are allowed to do what's best for you even if it upsets people.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma robs us of the opportunity to decide for ourselves who we are & what we believe-- & it installs BS (Belief Systems) that often have NOTHING to do with who we REALLY are, what we're capable of, what we deserve.
Recovery's about rejecting the BS trauma's been shoveling.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
The narcissist doesn't like people with these personality traits:
- Calm inner child
- Personal boundaries
- Assertive
- Self assurance
- Self care
Make this be you.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Always stick to what makes you weird, odd, strange, different. That’s your source of power.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic personalities view healthy boundaries as a personal insult, which is exactly why that boundary was put in place.
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
Without a vision for the future the past will always pull you away from the present moment.
Will six sessions of CBT, designed to target “unhelpful” thinking styles, really be effective for someone who doesn’t know how they’re going to feed their family for another week?
The UK could learn a lot from liberation psychology. Founded in the 1980s by the Salvadorian activist and psychologist Ignacio Martín Baró, it argues that we cannot isolate “mental health problems” from our broader societal structures. Suffering emerges within people’s experiences and histories of oppression. Liberation psychology sees people not as patients, but potential social actors in the project of freedom, valuing their own lineages, creativity and experience, rather than being forced into a white, eurocentric and individualistic idea of therapy. It directly challenges the social, cultural and political causes of distress through collective social action.
I’m a psychologist – and I believe we’ve been told devastating lies about mental health
Sanah Ahsan
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/sep/06/psychologist-devastating-lies-mental-health-problems-politics?CMP=share_btn_tw
Caroline 🦋, TWITTER:
Narcissists don’t communicate clearly and honestly. On purpose.
Written Notes, TWITTER:
Control your emotions. It only takes seconds to ruin years of hard work.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Protecting yourself from your own toxic thoughts is real self care.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Ego destroys friendships and relationships.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Psychology says, train yourself to stop waiting for the “right time”.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Ignoring red flags because you want to see the good in people will cost you later.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissists behaviors can be mystifying and maddening if you expect them to consistently act like adults. Though narcissists can behave like adults much of the time, when they feel embarrassed, ignored or inferior they may revert to a childlike state
Arthur Schopenhauer, TWITTER:
“Men need some kind of external activity, because they are inactive within.”
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Please do yourself a favour. Don’t lower your standards to fit in. Don’t shrink who you are to make others feel comfortable. Do find and surround yourself with people who like you just the way you are and who encourage you to keep growing.
Ja’Nisha Robinson, MS, LPC, TWITTER:
Sometimes people just need you to accept them for who they are.
Ja’Nisha Robinson, MS, LPC, TWITTER:
People with NPD may be described as: cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding.
It requires diagnosis by a PROFESSIONAL, BUT symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
What are the signs of a smear campaign?
A smear campaign involves lies, exaggerations, and cultivation of mistrust toward the victim. Smear campaigners insinuate that the victim is mentally ill, unreasonable, incompetent, untrustworthy, or abusive.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
What type of employees are commonly targeted at work?
1) Outspoken
2) High Ethical Standards
3) Independent
4) Free-thinkers
5) Competent
6) Unable to manipulate
7) Whistle blowers
8) Gender
9) Empaths
10) Confidence with integrity.
Add your own below.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Manipulation is a theft of individual rights to choose freely.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is understanding that dating someone is not an accurate reflection of what it will be like to live with them.
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Things we inherit from parents: communication styles, relationship dynamics, core beliefs, & our self image.
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
Pain multiplies when you try to go away from it. Be with it until it goes away from you!
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
For those with CPTSD, boundaries against liars, manipulators, and other sketchy folks is a form of self-care.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
stop being okay with things you really not okay with
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth.
Overmind, TWITTER:
Don’t be perfect, be happy.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Are you looking for closure or are you looking to change the outcome?
Overmind, TWITTER:
Be selfish with your time. A lot of people don't deserve it.
Written Notes, TWITTER:
Don’t let your emotions make your decisions.
Lisa A. Romano, TWITTER:
Codependents were taught to disown their emotions.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Anger is a normal human emotion and response to disrespectful attitudes, behaviors and boundaries.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Realizing what happened to you wasn't your fault isn't a one and done thing. We've been CONDITIONED to blame ourselves. Shame has been CONDITIONED into us.
It's gonna take time, & repetition, & patience, & compassion, to scratch that "it was my fault/I deserved it" record.
Lana Horowitz, TWITTER:
Ignoring red flags because you want to see the good in people... will cost you later.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Instead of telling people that they shouldn't feel a certain way, try understanding why they feel that way. Don't invalidate how they feel because you don't understand it. You can learn so much about other people, and inspire compassion and empathy, if your willing to listen.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Labeling ourselves based on what happened TO us is BS-- that is, a Belief System.
Your trauma's gonna TRY to get you to identify w/ what happened TO you-- but the truth is, you're more & more complicated than ANYTHING that happens TO you.
Push back against simplistic labels.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Remember the key to happiness is to be in alignment with who you really are.
Josh…, TWITTER:
My last relationship taught me, you can be the “right package” at the “wrong address.”
Josh…, TWITTER:
Never say mean words out of anger or bad mood. Your anger will pass, but your words can scar a person for life. So use kind words or be silent.
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
Stop overthinking why the narcissist did you dirty. They did it and they meant it. Move on, or be their doormat for life.
C.G. Jung Foundation, TWITTER:
"The highest, most decisive experience is to be alone with one's own self."
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Your body can literally reject someone's energy. Your anxiety will act up anytime someone's bad energy disturbs your spirit. Listen to your spirit.....it knows...
(11.9.2022)
Trauma and toxic shame creates virus thoughts, inner critic, perfectionism and drive to please others to evade aggression. This means the way out is relying on own feelings without going into battle with them and yet in the same time to know what is correct, functional, healthy and proper. This is dualism. It is because with trauma, abuse and toxic shaming this knowledge about what is healthy is not accessable. And then the brain will rely on known experience - trauma response as a way to handle and manage events and people as they appear.
It is great to learn about narcissistic abuse to recognize red flags and to cut toxic people off as they appear. It is amazing to learn about Polyvagal theory to accept dysregulation as storm and wait it to pass. The question is how to handle unknown concepts that I still have not encounter, known, experienced as correct - I see the resolution in relying on my feelings which are uncomfortable, scary and panicked. That I no longer see feelings, emotions and reactions as something to reject or to be ashamed about - as I was instructed in toxic ambient. This way I can accept and validate my reactions which are painful. This goes in direct opposition to CBT instructions. Also I can know that I can rely on intrinsic value, superEgo inside me that I know what is right and wrong, what is common sense - in situations when I do not know what to do, when I float in space without anything to hold on to.
With trauma information I know that it is important to express myself. The huge red flag is ambient of tyranny, silence and censorship. Expressing myself can paradoxically be silence in certain situations, and it is not about hysteria or Crusade arguments, endless "assertiveness" which leads to nowhere with toxic people who do not want to resolve issues anyway - and thus toxic people create situations which prompt assertiveness. This is why I see the only problem with toxic people as the only entity that is creating chaos and disorder. Learning about narcissistic abuse, mobbing and bullying means knowing that I pinpoint and express accounatability of anyone who is crossing boundaries and common sense. Narcissists desire admiration and in their fantasy world they desire to be good - this is why criticism in form of objective truth is the best weapon of defense and expression.
The missing puzzle for me was realization that simply because I do self express myself and that I no longer engage in self-censorship, that this does not mean I am healed. With expressing my words I can actually still be codependent, where I will try to give my advice to someone. With humanistic psychology I know that each person needs own GPS guidance, I cannot tell anyone what steps they need to take. However with codependency based on toxic shame, I will feel urge to meddle and to fix other people, and I will be convinced that I am healed if I am no longer afraid of speaking my mind, what I truly think and not being scared to express it. It is the same mistake with avoidance, where when I listened to CBT, I was convinced that simply due to fact I was exposing over long period of time that I was healed from social anxiety and aviodance, which was not case at all. I would end up with panic and normalizing abuse and do not know what it was. CBT self help books about social anxiety would not cover fawning and toxic shame nor codependency so I did not get trauma information that would explain social anxiety, avoidance and codependency was still present and active and forming my decisions which were self sabotaging.
Cutting toxic people is amazing discovery: that in toxic ambient, the toxicity is influencing our quality of life. With narcissistic abuse we are being put in toxic situations that otherwise we would not choose to get involved with at all. This means there is a difference between exposure and stepping outside of comfort zone and being in toxic ambient where exposure and discomfort is invisibly dictated, set up and manipulated by toxic, controlling narcissists.
I would go back to toxic shame. It is the source of social anxiety and panic, it is the motor of disorder. Toxic shame is not only feeling shame. It is extremely hard to pinpoint it because it is the core of wound. Toxic shame are automatic beliefs, it is ingrained thoughts that are fused together with shaming, errors, sense of obligation and duty. And toxic shame is created from constant and relentless criticism. Toxic shame is conditioning and it is hypnosis. It is auto pilot and it is impossible to escape it. The dread is too much to bare. CBT does not recognize that there are triggers, certain situations and certain people who are triggering panic symptoms and intrusive worry rumination thoughts. Toxic shame are automatic thoughts which are strong influence and very hard to detect.
Toxic shame springs up as automatic beliefs about the core self, about apperance and general insecurity. This happens quickly: "I am inept. I look ugly. Other people know all, I am making mess". This is result of conditioning, this is the product of relentless criticism while growing up and this is what thwarts decisions into submission, immobility, people pleasing and catastrophizing. Whereas other people won't get triggered by yelling, problems, criticism coming from others, they will quickly forget about it and it won't turn them into fear state that lingers on as amygdala is hijacked, toxic shame will produce what seems permanent state of being wrong, that I am imposter, that I do not belong there and that I have no rights to exist or ask for anything. The crucial factor in social anxiety, panic and avoidance are these toxic shame automatic beliefs. It is more than negative thoughts, it is more than inner critic- instead of casual bystander comment that is irrational and irrelevant, it is embedded as ultimate truth and it has power to direct me into fear state where I must defend myself, where I feel panic trigger physical symptoms and where due to float state I have no foothold - and I look up to others to guide me, explain me what I want and need and what I must do. I surrender as guilty party while narcissists can easily parasite as soon as they disover that I shut up to abuse and disrespect, where instead of rebelling and defense - I fawn to them. This is economic issue, too. It is connected to not having basic needs met. So toxic ambient is crucial factor, too. This means the feeling and urge to shut up and to serve and obey abusive people stems from desire to get money and shelter or service or some information or resource (such as document).
This is important clue - to establish what I am afraid of not getting from someone who is making me feel social anxiety. I tend to stay stuck in weird contact relationship with people who are not nice without there being any reason to put up with their unnaceptable behaviour. It is about independence and knowing I can rely on my resources. I did found out that cutting toxic people off is hidden miraculous cure to people pleasing and muddled relationships. What is still the problem are triggers - since they provoke stress reaction where I lose ability to be calm and confident and to make better decisions - instead I get panicked. Now I know this happens due to deep core toxic shame thought beliefs. If I can somehow stop the conditioning, I will not stop people being toxic - then I need to know what to do next.
It would include reacting naturally, not blaming myself and that I become courageous - meaning taking action instead of hiding away as automatic reaction. It is about not engaging in arguments with covert narcissists and it is about knowing red flags in the first place. It is about moving on and having goals and doing more in life other than hiding away.
I know now it is about being able to self express myself and not depending on other people approval. It is having intrinsic locus of control. I know up until now that with toxic shame I will have external locus of control, this happens automatically where I seek validation and trauma bond with other people. This means I need to learn Maslow needs - as goals to achieve. I can say that I was not having them in mind. Instead it was reaction from other people, criticism as main focus - due to automatic toxic shame beliefs which were the primary concern, avoiding abuse. Without realizing it, automatic worry beliefs of being inept are shortwiring my mindset and the panic is creating me being focused on the panic. My primary concern is what other person can do to harm me, in what way can they harm me, and this is my primary goal - to avoid harm by avoiding life in general. Without realizing it, my thought process, my mindset, my resources that I would otherwise invest in living are drained in survival mode - without realizing that I am in survival mode. The primary focus is avoiding someone's potential or real anger. Which can prolong into being perfectionist and not taking risks. I totally become blind to Maslow needs - and then I get hooked and addicted to approval from others as primary goal in life - which is manifested as social anxiety: me being silent, not going out, shutting up, not having opinion, not expressing myself and not living my life what I want to in life. Apparently that is how much toxic shame is powerful - it keeps me stuck in tunnel vision, as if the fear is so strong that I cannot see my direction in life. And all this stems from being exposed to relentless criticism over smallest, insignificant errors and trifles that are not important at all - by person or people who refused the therapy and being in contact with them in toxic ambient that they create.
And I would notice this pattern: I would eventually do something healthy and move in healthy direction - only to get triggered and scared by abusive people - and then turn to self blame and avoidance as default reaction to unfair treatment. I would lose ability to see Maslow needs as primary goal - and instead I would focus on trauma bonding and external referencing locus of control as number one concern. I would not notice that these toxic shame beliefs are guiding my decisions and emotions inside me.
These toxic shame beliefs are stemming from subconsciousness. They are put there by exposure to long term narcissistic abuse, relentless criticism over long period of time. I have been programmed to execute put downs in various beliefs which guide me to be afraid of what other people think of me, how they react to me and what can they potentially do to me: harm me, isolate me, do damage of some kind. The important thing is to realize that these are powerful enough to influence my decisions, these fuse together with my personality and my emotions and become one, it becomes intertwined like a snake around a pole. What I know now it is being infected with a virus and me not knowing it is a virus - all I know is that I do not feel well and that I am being led astray.
The same way as I would ignore and block toxic people at Twitter with click on a button - I need to perform the same action in my mind with toxic beliefs - which I need to identify first, along with knowing that the point of ignoring is focusing on my life and what are my goals and directions which I want to take. This is extremely hard when I believe that my survival depends on serving toxic people where I am not allowed to confront them, say no, leave them or ignore them. It's no wonder that I am seeing avoidance as the best solution when I am stuck in toxic ambient. And it is best solution since this sets me up to be independent - whereas the only problem is CBT instruction to make friends and expose to abusive people just for the sake of being around people.
Toxic shame beliefs do not appear as insecurity as some resources might say - it is very much certain. There is no self-hate, it appears as realistic evaluation of self. And it does not appear as negative - it is being in closed space without ability to escape. It would be negative if there is some chance of light and hope so as a contrast it would clearly appear as negative. Toxic shame is being in dark room so there is no contrast to make it negative at all, even though it is negative.
The point is that I know what is good, I know how to act, I know what to do even though it seems to me that I cannot rely on myself. CBT instructs to doubt myself and that I go against my own common sense and basic judgement - as avoiding toxic people is not good due to forced exposure. The only problem are then toxic shame beliefs automatic words that appear due to conditioning. I cannot be confident nor have self esteem if I believe that my decisions are bad and invalid, or that my errors are proof of my permanently damaged and flawed character. This fusion of toxic shame conditioning along with some problem or error is done so quickly that I do not notice it at all. Then I step into survival mode and I do not focus on virus implanted in my mind - instead I focus on self blame and to be subservient and receive instruction from other people, since I appear to be broken and invalid. Entering into survival mode is being triggered by conditioned fears from trauma and motorized by toxic shame voices which appear as part of myself. In the same way in the external world toxic people appear fused with reality - as if I am condemned to toxic people to rely on and to listen to them, something that I must not and cannot block, ignore or shut down or shut away from me. Toxic people appear as friend, service and help and I stay stuck with them as they trigger me into worry and toxic shame voices and once in survival mode I am unable to realize that they are toxic and part of problem separated by error or issue at hand. During growing up I did not learn to react and to voice out what is wrong, instead I turn into self blame and shame. I never learned to voice someone's transgression and take into accountability someone's abuse and unfair treatment. Instead I learned to feel self blame, shame and guilt automatic as someone is judging, criticizing or abusive. These toxic shame voices are small butterfly effects that influence bigger decisions and actions in life - in negative and destructive way. Of course that natural reaction to such virus is avoidance, since any action, reaction to toxic shame builds up negativity and bad outcomes. If I am unable to say no to toxic people they will exploit me and hurt me and I will not be able to defend myself since toxic shame will convince me that I am faulty and wrong all the time in any situation.
Toxic shame voice activates mind in overload where I spend focus on unimportant issues, details and expecting what other might criticize - this is huge waste of energy, time and mental process which ought to be used on myself and my goals and tasks that I want to do. Toxic shame voices are linked and associated and fused together with body - body response is activated, too - prompting me to spend focus on overthinking and preparing for danger and it activates self hate and self blame as programmed in the past during Skinner's box conditioning.
Social anxiety is multifold entity issue. It is not only a matter of confidence. It is about resolving different areas which are attacked and immobilized and made non functional. So it will help to learn about trauma and to learn about body being affected by verbal abuse and neglect. It helps to learn that mistakes will always happen in social situations, it is unavoidable to make fool of yourself, it is integral part of any social interaction. It helps to learn about trauma bonding and to quit toxic contacts immediately without giving second chance. It helps to learn about rancour and forgiveness and not fusing emotions with actions - whereas I am allowed to shut down any dysfunctional contact without having any hatred against particular abusive person. It helps to learn humanistic psychology and intrinsic locus of control, not depending on validation from the external. I learn that being cheerful is a choice even when things are bad, and that crinkle crankle wall is norm - daily ups and downs are integral part of anything, along with patience. Then what is left when onion layers of immobilized parts of body and psyche are cleaned and sanitized - is that I know that pain and fear is connected to toxic shame voices. I see the more I am successful at noticing and not reacting any more to compulsive conditioning, that I will have more resources to focus on life I want to live. It seems to me that without learning concepts such as Descartes doubt of myself and anyone else - that I would not be able to grasp the root of all problems and disorders: toxic shame commands. I can over-ride it, and this is the secret. This is what narcissists are doing to get rid of conscience of their bad and abusive acts, that is their secret how they stay calm and without remorse. They over-ride their toxic shame - but they base over-riding on more abuse since it keeps them locked in hamster wheel of torturing other people around them.
Toxic shame voices are broadcasting the disorder. I nip it in the bud to keep regulated.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Sometimes anger protects your life. This emotion is many times helpful.. Rage in the other hand is dangerous.
Socrates | Philosopher from Athens 📜, TWITTER:
A man should enquire about that which he does not know.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Emotional regulation is NOT just about blunting or managing negative feelings.
It's also about developing our ability to experience & intensity positive feelings, too.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Healing doesn’t mean your triggers disappear.
It means you approach triggers as information,
(they prime you to pay attention)
and learn to strip them of their power so you RESPOND in lieu of reacting.
C.G. Jung Foundation, TWITTER:
"The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely."
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
The ability to stay calm and polite, even when people upset you, is a superpower.
Navalism, TWITTER:
"Knowing how little you matter is very important for your mental health and your happiness"
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Part of complex trauma that's hard to put words to is the feeling that we desperately miss a place or person we can't quite remember-- & we might never have actually experienced.
Recovery is about creating that "missing" safety & stability on the INSIDE of our head & heart.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Survivors will never hate anyone but they will distance theirselves from people who do not value them.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
No matter how much you overcome, you may never get the affirmation from those you've wanted it from most. Sadly, even in your overcoming, they may not acknowledge your strength. Let them have their feelings, but please protect yours.
Aviv’s considerable storytelling abilities are on full display here as she renders compassionate and nuanced portraits of individuals wrestling to gain a coherent sense of identity from the limited lexicon of psychiatry.
The acclaimed, award-winning New Yorker writer Rachel Aviv offers a groundbreaking exploration of mental illness and the mind, and illuminates the startling connections between diagnosis and identity.
Strangers to Ourselves: Unsettled Minds and the Stories That Make Us
Book by Rachel Aviv
Wise Chimp, TWITTER:
Don't overshare. Privacy is power.
Josh…, TWITTER:
I think it's important to realize that no matter how good you are to people, it won't make them good to you.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
Normalize trusting your intuition. If your body says no to certain people and places - that's your sign to leave.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Waiting for someone to treat you right is a trauma response. Whatever you tolerate often continues. You deserve better. Stop tolerating mistreatment and start choosing distance over disrespect. Removing yourself from any table where respect is no longer being served is self-care.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Family estrangement is one of the most difficult, lonely, isolating experiences in our culture. No one wants to do it & some people are born into such toxic situations they have no choice.
SusanMina, TWITTER:
We hurt our own feelings constantly. People treat you exactly how they feel about you…
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
When you face challenges and go through difficult times or hardships, and you decide not to quit or surrender, that is strength.
Josh…, TWITTER:
When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
You are not obligated to spend the rest of your life committed to changing toxic people. Let them go, or drown with them.
"At the center of your being, you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want." - Lao Tzu
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
Inner-resilience is built by being content with yourself.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Nobody notices your pain, but everyone notices your mistakes.
Written Notes, TWITTER:
No matter how lonely you feel, never reconnect with toxic people.
Prof. Feynman, TWITTER:
The job of a scientist is to listen carefully to nature, not to tell nature how to behave.
“One day, you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.” ~ C.S. Lewis
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
How you express yourself matters. Your subconscious mind can't distinguish between real and imagined. When you say "I am insecure", you are affirming you are insecure. The truth is that you are not insecure, you feel insecure. Your feelings come and go. You are not your feelings.
oasisofserenity 𓂀, TWITTER:
aligning with someone who is worthy of your poetry >
Nicole Lewis, LCSW, LICSW, TWITTER:
I’m so glad you have the strength to be who you really are ❤️
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
The person who broke you, is not the person who can put you back together.
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
You can forgive people without welcoming them back into your life. Apology accepted. Access denied
Inspirational Quotes, TWITTER:
All your needs are being met when you feel good.
Motivational Quotes, TWITTER:
Never blame people for disappointing you, blame yourself for expecting too much from them.
Motivational Quotes, TWITTER:
Until you heal yourself you will be toxic to everyone who tries to love you.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Honesty is actually a blunt instrument, which bloodies more than it cuts.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We get better at emotional regulation by practicing it. By doing even a tiny, half assed (quarter assed?) version of it at the very moment when "emotional regulation" sounds like the stupidest f*cking thing we've ever heard of.
We get good at it by letting ourselves suck at it.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Pay attention if the voice in your head is telling you you "need" them to "complete" you, "fix" you, "save" you, or validate your very existence.
That miiiight be setting you up for a trauma bond-- & the trauma bonding roller coaster is a lot of things, but it's not healing.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic is Toxic... No matter who they are ... Plan your exit...
CPTSD Foundation, TWITTER:
Medical Gaslighting takes many forms including healthcare practitioners questioning the sanity of their patients or telling them that their symptoms are imaginary.
This article looks at how healthcare practitioners can harm their patients with gaslighting https://buff.ly/2BFzmsF
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Life is endless battle and conflict, and you cannot fight effectively unless you can identify your enemies.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Cortisol addiction keeps the body stuck in fight or flight in even minor stressful events.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
In the future we will understand how so much disease is created in the body from not feeling safe.
Caroline 🦋, TWITTER:
Narcissists don’t want to be loved, they want to be worshipped!
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Normalize feeling insecure. Talking about it (releasing it) & moving forward. We all feel it, yet somehow it’s taboo.
Abraham Maslow, TWITTER:
Life is an ongoing process of choosing between safety (out of fear and need for defense) and risk (for the sake of progress and growth). Make the growth choice a dozen times a day.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
You can see someone's true personality when you express something to them that they are repeatedly doing which is unpleasant for you.
Jean Piaget | Swiss Psychologist, TWITTER:
I could not think without writing.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
You are not obligated to explain yourself to toxic people. Just block them. They won't accept your explanations anyway.
The Mindfulness Meditation Institute, TWITTER:
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” ~ Anaïs Nin
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
It is not much good being wise among fools and sane among lunatics.
Hypervigilance is a very real, but often misunderstood, effect of an ongoing traumatic experience such as workplace bullying. While it is a recognized effect of the trauma, often correctly recognized even by the victim himself, the cruel reality is that it can actually be used against the victim to further the bullying. When a victim expresses feelings that are associated with this condition, he is dismissed as being "paranoid," and victimized even further.
The bully too can become aware of this response and feed on it, using it as more ammunition to point out how incapable their victim is. They can also use it to deflect blame, painting themselves as the victim of hysteria or paranoia rather than the perpetrator. It can all become a vicious cycle that may seem impossible to escape, particularly when the threat of losing one’s job hangs in the balance.
Hypervigilance Is Often Misdiagnosed As Paranoia
https://www.overcomebullying.org/hypervigilance.html
Ja’Nisha Robinson, MS, LPC, TWITTER:
Just because something hurts your feelings — it doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
The most effective attitude to adopt is one of supreme acceptance.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When we grew up neglected, the temptation is ALWAYS gonna be to keep our pain quiet, hidden, try to handle it ourselves. We're embarrassed to seek help. The "freeze" & "flee" responses kick in.
Thing is, we're not gonna keep that pattern intact & still realistically recover.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The disrespect is the closure.
The End.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Appearing better than others is always dangerous, but most dangerous of all is to appear to have no faults or weaknesses.
Ja’Nisha Robinson, MS, LPC, TWITTER:
Showing up as the person you think someone wants you to be is manipulation.
Ja’Nisha Robinson, MS, LPC, TWITTER:
Disagreements are not invitations to be disrespectful.
Sharon Salzberg, TWITTER:
The Buddha pointed out thousands of years ago that suffering is a fact of life. Or, as I sometimes put it: Some things just hurt.
Our dominant cultural attitude towards pain is that it’s something to be avoided, denied, “treated,” and I’ve found that it can be particularly tough for people — including me — to acknowledge painful emotions in the context of spiritual practice.
One of the central tenets of Buddhism is the acceptance of suffering, but like many of the misleading expectations we hold about meditation, there is often a lot of self-consciousness about what being “spiritual” should look like.
Some of us may feel that the cultivation of compassion should be a practice that keeps us from feeling those “less virtuous” emotions like anger, annoyance, impatience, and disappointment.
And, yet, part of the cultivation is simple acceptance, including the acceptance of those things that just hurt.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When a child is regularly screamed at, shamed, or harshly criticized, they don’t use logic. They fully feel trauma impact in the nervous system & their brain development.
Later, this will be called: depression, anxiety, bipolar, or borderline.
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
Unpleasant emotions don't exist to breed misery. They're primitive guides for problem-solving.
Fear says flee. Anger says fight. Sadness says seek support.
Emotional intelligence isn't about ignoring your instincts. It's about making sure your responses align with your values.
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
Fear serves a purpose. It sounds an alarm that something you value may be in danger.
The ideal response is not to dismiss the alert. It's to troubleshoot.
Emotional intelligence involves checking if the threat is real and choosing an effective reaction.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You're gonna get mad at yourself. You're gonna be annoyed, irritated, frustrated w/ yourself. That's normal. That won't derail your recovery. What WILL derail our recovery is talking to ourselves or behaving toward ourselves like our abusers did.
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
Narcissist don’t stop, until you are a full embodiment of them , Empty lifeless,insecure, paranoid, unloveable. They do their best to make you like them , reject it. And be your exuberant self
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Let’s normalize sitting with someone in their darkest hour without imposing upon them to feel “good vibes only” as if that’s actually going to hold them in their current experience of grief
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You didn't "make" someone abuse or neglect you.
Not the way you looked; not the way you behaved; NOTHING about you "made" them hurt you.
NO matter WHAT that voice in your head is saying right now.
The Psychology of The Trickster
YT Eternalised
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38hwk0BgGNU
Trickster can appear is as one who is not deceiving you but telling you the truth – but we likely won't believe him. In medieval times, the jester was known to speak the truth without losing his head in royal court.
Trickster rises against the restrictions and authorities. Just like the id, the unconscious instinctual component that is present at birth, the source of instant gratification, bodily needs and wants, impulses and drives.
Id is in constant conflict with superego, the internalization of cultural rules, which helps us act in socially acceptable ways. Tricksters usually have an enormous libido. Trickster comes when we are too serious, rigid, follow schedules.
Trickster causes us to forget what we intended to remember, say things we later regret, or appear in Freudian slip. Laughter mediates between the sacred and the profane, where trickster resides. Especially laughing at oneself.
Trickster tells us that life is a play. We are the actors on a vast stage following a predetermined script. He tells we don't necessarily have to follow the script. That we can make our own, improvise, not afraid of making mistakes.
But rather laugh at mistakes. We have freedom and responsibility to do so. This is a core aspect of existential philosophy which teaches us to become authentic and discover who we truly are. We can never deceive ourselves.
Trickster forces us to look at ourselves in the mirror, and to the persona that we are putting on to impress others, to the detriment of our instinctual needs, our creativity and playfulness that is so vital to energy we need in life.
Trickster is against any authority, as he wants to do what's best for him, and he is never going to put someone else before himself. He pokes holes in rigid boundaries, and calls into question fundamental assumptions.
Trickster reveals the possibility of transforming assumptions. Pushes us to question those in power, and the limitations, and rules that are imposed on us. In attempt to wake us up as individuals and as a culture.
Asking a culture to look at its own folly, addressing hot topics with wit and humour, shining a light into shadowy areas and bring public attention to the underbelly. When comedy is suppressed, there are severe consequences.
If one ignores Trickster, he will appear in the form of neurosis. Doubt is a precursor to change and Trickster is all about change. The problem is then not doubt; the problem is fear of change. Necessary for anyone to grow.
The totality of life consists of order and chaos, and the spirit of this disorder is the trickster. He is Dionysian god of wine and music, connects us to instinctual forces that lie outside the bounds of all things civilised.
Trickster seeks to break conventions and take us into wild, untamed places. Nietzsche who called himself the last disciple of Dionysus, wrote: One must still have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing star.
Without chaos, society loses its culture, the system becomes flawed, stale and bureaucratic. Therefore, Trickster not only destroys old values, but also creates new values. He reshapes surrounding world with inner magic, continually weaving old into new.
The person who appears to be too kind, or pure on the outside, and is suppressing his true emotions, may suddenly become self-destructive or engage in sinful behaviors. Trickster compelling him to do very thing consciousness prohibits.
Achieve a balance and make peace with one's dark aspects. The psyche compensates to achieve equilibrium and wholeness. Because trickster disrupts convention, he is commonly cast in a negative light.
Unlike the devil, who is an agent of evil, trickster is amoral, not immoral. Morality is structure of society and ego-consciousness, the unconscious does not play by our rules. Occupies liminal: that which is neither this not that, any yet is both.
As humans, we struggle to understand paradox, contradiction, and to grasp the possibility that unity underlie apparent duality. Trickster as shapeshifter is like liquid, escapable. We can identify by nature of its changeability.
Prometheus is trickster who stole fire to give to mankind. Mankind was not ready to use in unselfish manner. However this made us human, essential for evolution. Paradox: necessary for progress is also capable of destroying us.
Carl Jung calls the figure of the trickster an archetype. Part of collective unconscious, present in everyone deeper unconscious than experience gathered in life. We cannot observe them directly but have impact on activities and thinking.
Unknown and repressed part of ourselves causes us to lose our own self. The trickster accompanies us into rabbit hole to the depts of our unknown self. However scary, trickster helps us find depths in ourselves we didn't know.
Trickster is concerned with helping us reduce the sin of pride. He keeps us from being too confident in ourselves, since hubris (excessive pride or self-confidence) forecasts a fall. Trickster helps deflate ego inflation.
The healthy ego is our sense of who we are, serving as a bridge to the inner world. Helps us become more realistic about our psychological limitations and spiritual limitlessness. Humbles us, topples our ego, upsets our plans.
As we start to see reality of things, everything we thought to be meaningful (power, money, fame, pleasure) becomes meaningless. Trickster helps us to humble us down, and tells us our powers are limited in vast universe.
“Not enough” or “too much” are the trickster, the extremes are how we get tricked. However, trickster is trying to point us towards the centre, to the path of individuation. Golden mean of confidence – between self-deprecation and vanity.
The integration of the trickster archetype allows us to go from being ruled by our own self-centred ego to a new way of living, in which one has integrity and relatedness. It allows us to become aware of our true emotions.
Trickster allows us to discover our Self, the totality of the personality which unites the opposites of consciousness and the unconscious and holds everything together in balance and unity. Attempts to wake us up, shake to core.
Philosophy Of Life, TWITTER:
Seek respect, not attention.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Never be bullied into silence!
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Any type of harassment is a form of control and dominance.
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
You'll be needed when you have what is needed by the narcissist in your life. Don't see it as love. They are users
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
How we define success is a source of happiness we control.
105 studies, 70k ppl globally: valuing extrinsic over intrinsic goals predicts lower well-being.
Seeking fame, money, or beauty is a bottomless pit. Pursuing growth, kindness, trust, and health is a path to flourishing.
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
Narcissist will listen to all the terrible traumas you experienced in the past , only to use that information to re traumatize you all over again. They have no conscience, zero remorse for what you have Gone through, and what they will do to you.
dauntless - adjective
showing fearlessness and determination.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
The narcissist will target people who:
- self blame
- people please
- are socially anxious
- have challenges with communication
Don't let it be you. Heal & grow.
Ryan Logan, TWITTER:
and that Tyler Durden isn’t the hero but a personification of the main character’s mental illness, and that his “snowflake” speech is a dig at how fascists use dehumanizing language to breed loyalty from insecure people.
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
Ignore negative people.
They feed on your reaction and if they see you being affected by what they
do/say, they’ll keep
doing it.
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
Eagles use the negative energy of a storm to fly even higher.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Trauma can make you feel like you're never safe, even if the world around you appears to be safe to everyone else. This can make it incredibly difficult to explain to non traumatized people, who can't see a clear"reason"you feel anxious, paranoid, scared, or powerless.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
REAL TALK: anxiety is exhausting.
Constant stress hormones dousing our organs for longer than we need to survive, takes a TOLL.
So can compulsive behaviors + rigid rules.
So can intrusive thoughts, over-thinking, + worrying about what everyone thinks.
It’s BONE-TIRING AF.
The Trickster Archetype (and why our world needs it)
Eric Dodson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrTL9b1Mock
It's very difficult to shame tricksters or to make them feel guilty or to make them feel bad about themselves. For the most part they are immune to those sorts of manipulation and that makes them inimical to dictatorial nature.
When a society is ruled mostly by dictatorial impulses, juvenile desires to control other people and to dictate thoughts, feelings, values, linguistic practices are appropriate for them, that is pathetic and impoverished world.
We don't take comedians very seriously and because of that we are able to laugh. And while we are laughing their wisdom has a chance to fly beneath the radar screen of our possible ideological objections.
Trickster archetype is important to our world has to do with how it enhances and deepens our lives. Inviting us to let go of our debilitating self-seriousness and self-importance, egoistic desperation to see us as winners.
It takes abiding intrepidity to find delight in what we're experiencing rather than to see ourselves as constantly oppressed and cheated, and victimized by life. It takes better part of who and what we are.
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
Normalize saying “no” to the narcissist without feeling guilty.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Remember: depression, trauma, addiction, and anxiety lie to us. All the time. They like TO us, often ABOUT us-- what we can do, what we deserve, who we are.
And they ramp up the lying when we're tired-- because they know we're vulnerable.
jo, TWITTER:
To be abused is painful.
To be disbelieved is excruciating.
To be smeared is devastating.
To be blamed is cruel.
To be unsupported is fatal.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Wounded parts of us have different ages. It’s common for adults to name call, act emotionally immature, or shut down (specifically if time out was used often.)
Know when 6 year old part of you is present. Don’t let this part make decisions for you.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Be a flame of positive emotions and you will never be without a friend.
Ja’Nisha Robinson, MS, LPC, TWITTER:
Don’t tell everyone you’re fine then become upset when no one comes to your rescue.
Ryan Holiday, TWITTER:
When others treat you poorly it doesn't degrade you, it degrades them.
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
normalize leaving people in whatever reality they’ve chosen. it’s not your job to fix the narcissist, this behavior is what they will use to destroy you.
Alex Howard, TWITTER:
Here are 3 toxic responses to #Boundaries to look out for.
🙅♂️Not everyone appreciates or respects boundaries. So you will always find a toxic person trying to ignore or resist your boundaries. They will argue, threaten or manipulate you to get what they want.
François Chollet, TWITTER:
The surest sign that you understand a system is your ability to modify it and improve it.
You bet complex trauma survivors tend to take things personally— but it’s not out of narcissism.
We don’t think the world revolve around us. We don’t think we’re “special”— at least not in a positive sense.
Complex trauma survivors tend to take things personally because we’ve often been told that bad things are our fault.
I’m not talking about realistic, “we share responsibility for some aspects of our lives.”
I’m talking about being told, again and again, that everything IS your fault— and everyone IS your responsibility.
SEPTEMBER 22, 2022 DRGLENNDOYLE
Why do you take everything so PERSONALLY?!?
https://useyourdamnskills.com/2022/09/22/why-do-you-take-everything-so-personally/
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When someone is committed to misunderstanding you— it’s your sign they’re projecting an aspect of themselves onto you that they’ve not consciously acknowledged.
This is how the subconscious mind works. We project what we don’t want to face within.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Avoid people that blame you for things that are their own responsibility.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Stop trying to be heard in one-sided arguments.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Sometimes you just have to accept that some people are shitty humans and stop trying to see the good that isn't there.
Targeted International, TWITTER:
No one is coming to save us.
We must rescue ourselves.
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
If you don't have all the facts yet, you shouldn't have a strong opinion yet.
Motivated reasoning is believing what you want to be true. Critical thinking depends on wanting to believe whatever ends up being true.
A key to learning is refusing to let your hopes bias your views.
Orange Book 🍊📖, TWITTER:
If hard work was enough, hard-working people would all be wealthy.
If kindness was enough, kind people would all be loved.
If intelligence was enough, smart people would all be happy.
Navalism, TWITTER:
"We study science to learn how to get what we want. We study philosophy to know what to want in the first place."
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER;
Your trauma will totally tell you everything bad that has ever happened in the history of the world is YOUR fault.
Spoiler: it's not.
Shame cracks the lens through which we see the world. Keep reminding yourself: it's a symptom-- not reality.
Pieter, TWITTER:
Anger is an important motivator in healing the trauma of our past, setting boundaries, driving change, reclaiming power... but if we hold on to anger for too long in can become bitterness, resentment, hatred.
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
Anger, in and of itself, is a good thing, within reason, but it will be your greatest enemy if you don’t learn to control it!
jo, TWITTER:
You were abused.
Doesn’t. Matter. Why.
Abusers abuse regardless of how perfect you tried to be.
Regardless of whether you fought back.
The person who abused you is who is at fault. You didn’t fail. They failed. The shame belongs to them. And *only* them.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
After abuse, we end up asking so little from life. We get stuck in those memories, & see ourselves as a burden for not adapting better. We shrink our requests for change, pleasure, hope-yet we’ve already paid for someone else’s actions. Please go live. Ask for more. Be free.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Learn to be done with people. Not mad, upset or bothered... Just Done...
Trauma and stress wreak havoc on the human body after prolonged exposure, Doyle told NPR. Over time, sleep, attention, memory, mood, physical appearance and so much else are impacted.
"The thing to understand about trauma and the body is that stress responses kind of hijack every otherwise 'normal' function of our body," he says. "The bodily processes that keep us focused and regulated on a normal day get kind of suspended for the duration of the stressor and replaced with processes designed to help us just get through the stressful experience."
When we experience physical or emotional stress, the human body produces cortisol, the primary stress hormone. It contributes to the physical changes of the body under long-term stress, Dr. Nicole Colgrove, a specialist in otolaryngology at Virginia Hospital Center, told NPR.
Cortisol accelerates the loss of elasticity in skin, leading to a sagging or sunken appearance, she says. It also contributes to hair turning gray or white under intense stress.
"There are many other systemic effects of cortisol, such as increased blood sugar, elevated blood pressure and heart rate, altered metabolism and decreased immunity," she says.
"Many trauma survivors come through their experiences with negative beliefs about their worth or their efficacy," he says. They often believe the world is dangerous, unpredictable and not worth living in.
NPR
https://www.npr.org/2022/04/13/1092324328/images-of-zelenskyy-show-the-physical-toll-that-trauma-and-stress-can-have-on-th
2 Corinthians 4:2
We refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. And we don't twist God's Word to suit ourselves.
Josh…, TWITTER:
The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to walk away.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Abuse survivors will often get preoccupied w/ the "why" of their abuse-- &, being unable to read other's minds, conclude it was something inside them or about them that "caused" the abuse.
If we don't challenge that belief early, often, & forcefully, recovery's a non-starter.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional & disabled.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
Some of the most life changing words someone can hear when they are healing, hurting and trying to share their story:
“Your response makes sense.”
“You deserved better.”
“You’re not crazy.”
“I believe you.”
“I’m so sorry.”
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trying to shame ourselves into positive change just doesn't work.
We often TRY it, because shame is how other people tried to get us to do stuff for much of our lives-- but all shame ever really does is make us feel like sh*t, which makes us not wanna do much of ANYTHING.
Close the Dip, TWITTER:
Imagine just not being able to say "Oh, sorry. My bad", and then just resuming your day.
Except dreams have a meaning. For whom? For the dreamer. To himself about himself. But they speak in riddles. Could it be dreams are ideas escaping from repression......in disguise?
film Freud (1962)
Josh…, TWITTER:
Toxic people don’t apologise for doing wrong, rather they blame us for acting how we react.
The role of shame and guilt in social anxiety disorder
Shame plays an important role in the understanding of social anxiety disorders.
Shame contributes significantly to the variation in social anxiety disorders over and above depression.
For social anxiety disorder (SAD), however, only a few studies investigated patients with the primary diagnosis of SAD. Thus, further research on shame and guilt in SAD is required.
Taking into account that a considerable number of patients do not sufficiently respond to either cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or psychodynamic therapy (PDT) (Leichsenring and Leweke, 2017), there is a need to further improve the available treatments.
SAD patients have a strong desire to be perceived by others as valuable and acceptable on the one hand and an expectation of being rejected or even humiliated on the other (Clark and Wells, 1995; Gabbard, 1992). As a consequence, in real or imagined social situations, subjects experience a sense of being ashamed and therefore avoid threating social situations (Gabbard, 1992).
Shame is connected to beliefs of being worthless, powerless, inferior, and small (Lewis, 1971). Unlike shame that affects one's core self-concept, guilt is assumed, for example, to refer to a negative evaluation of one's self-observed behavior (Lewis, 1971). For both shame and guilt, several subtypes are differentiated (Kim et al., 2011). In the present study, we focus on internal shame that refers to negative views about one's self and contextual-legitimate guilt, an adaptive type of guilt that is grounded by an accurate attribution of responsibility (Kim et al., 2011). Internal shame can be seen as a defense mechanism to protect one's self against external shame, namely anticipated rejections by others, in seeing themselves in the same negative way others do (Gilbert, 2003). As a consequence, subjects avoid social situations perceived as threatening.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2666915321001347
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
Normalize avoiding people🤡 who aren't good for your mental health .
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
We need to stop telling people how they are supposed to feel about things that were never supposed to happen to them.
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
Accept your losses and go no contact. The narcissist is gonna be the same today , and forever.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
If your worth comes through getting approval from parents or friends you’ll always have an “anxiety disorder.”
Seeking external approval as a means of self esteem is the root of anxiety.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Toxic positivity is just another word for invalidating people. It’s not that people are truly positive— it’s just when they’re uncomfortable with someone’s emotional state they’ll invalidate by saying:
“look at the bright side” or “ it could be worse.”
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
As a therapist, I'm pretty integrative. My approach to treating trauma specifically hinges on where the client is, how the client learns/processes information, & what the client needs most RIGHT NOW for safety & stability.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
( x disorder runs in my family)
Makes sense
So does: coping mechanisms, ways of self soothing, communication styles, relationship dynamics, emotional regulation, core beliefs, and nervous system responses.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
I'm not anti-social: I'm anti-low vibing energy, anti-fakeness and anti-BS
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
I don’t know who needs to here this but
Procrastination isn’t laziness.
It’s. A. Trauma. Response.
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
Stay away from conflictive, negative people that pull you down, because they contaminate your energy and impede your progress. Search for people who look at the world with optimism, that inspire you, make you happy and provide peace of mind.
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
Your energy is often louder than your words.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Toxic is when they can't let you go, but they can't treat you right either.
Josh…, TWITTER:
A narcissist will work so hard to impress a stranger, while treating the people they claim to love like shit.
Stress coming from PTSD-related events can severely impact a person’s nervous system. Science tells us about this relationship between PSTD and a person’s impaired nervous system needs to be addressed in more detail by psychologists and researchers alike. This way, effective treatments can be proposed to address the extensive effects access to microglia has on the person’s brain and body.
Microglia are part of the central nervous system. Microglia work in groups in the central nervous system to maintain the health of your brain. Microglia are very sensitive to any changes that occur in the central nervous system. Certain nerves in the body send messages to groups of microglia to activate them to protect the body from trauma.
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/09/27/microglia-to-the-rescue/
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
Narcissists love to proclaim that someone who they don't like is up to evil or unlawful things and then proceed to invent an imaginary set of consequences that will befall them if they do anything about it.
This is the foundation of almost every "hero/victim narrative".
Søren Kierkegaard | Danish Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
“Whoever has learned to be anxious in the right way has learned the ultimate.”
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is understanding that your emotions are giving you messages, not commands.
Ariela 🤍, TWITTER:
Your body will naturally feel calm around good people with pure intentions - trust it.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Distancing yourself from anyone who makes you feel like your voice or feelings are irrelevant is key to your survival.
Jenna Zwagil, TWITTER:
Don't overshare. Privacy is power.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
“Fight flight freeze fawn” SOMETIMES includes trying to outrun or out achieve the trauma we’ve experienced.
This of course is not possible and we often feel exhausted burnout and defeated
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
I'm furious my life didn't work out the way I thought it "should." I'm pissed I don't have more control over my life & feelings. I resent I had to give up certain fantasies to realistically do recovery-- & not die in the process.
Turns out: anger can coexist w/ gratitude.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
“It’s not that big of a deal.” TO YOUUUUUUUUU! Don’t minimize my circumstances!
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
Hard work: Easy work:
————— —————–
optimism pessimism
create criticize
inspire complain
educate blame
empower control
develop demand
finishing giving up
collaborate ignore
trust exaggerate
lead follow
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
It's a big red flag if someone takes your self care personally & tries to guilt trip you for it. 🚩
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
You can reduce your stress by not having a strong opinion about everything.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
You literally don’t have to deal with anything you don’t want to. Not in the name of loyalty. Not in the name of love. Not in the name of family. You don’t have to deal with ANYTHING you don’t want to deal with. Remove yourself.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
You literally don’t have to deal with anything you don’t want to. Not in the name of loyalty. Not in the name of love. Not in the name of family. You don’t have to deal with ANYTHING you don’t want to deal with. Remove yourself.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Everything that happens to you is a form of instruction if you pay attention.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Anger & resentment are powerful teachers.
They’re showing you that you need boundaries around your time, energy, & emotions.
Ryan Holiday, TWITTER:
Failure shows us the way—by showing us what isn’t the way.
Narcissistic Support, TWITTER:
Just a reminder. You are not who your abuser says you are 🫵
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
The correct term for ‘love sick’ ‘trauma bonded’ and ‘codependent’ is coercive control and psychological abuse. The problem isn’t the survivor. The problem is the perpetrator.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
Why is abuse ‘explained’ based on the survivor not the abuser? Survivors are labeled as ‘trauma bonded’ ‘codependent’ ‘vulnerable’ instead of that a perpetrator unconscionably used the survivor’s love, trust, and innocence to harm them. Survivor is not the problem-the abuser is.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
It’s insulting to tell a survivor to ‘find the courage’. The survivor has plenty of courage. What they need are good options. What they have to do is calculate their risk. Courage is not the problem.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
If you think you know what a survivor ‘should’ do but isn’t, then you probably have no idea what the survivor is actually facing.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
You are not what a perpetrator did to you but the perpetrator is the person that would dehumanize and harm another person.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Funny how people that don't have time for 'nothing' got lots of time to be in your business.
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
At the end of the day, narcissists really are just toddlers inhabiting adult bodies. Underneath the thin veneer of moral superiority and victimhood lurks the behavior patterns of a child.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
I don’t recognize the “trauma therapy” that supposedly reinforces victimhood & “coddles” survivors.
The trauma therapy I practice emphasizes real world stability, functioning, & accountability— & serves real survivors who have NO desire to be defined by their trauma.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Bullying at any level is a theft of rights.
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
The moment you believe your experience is caused by other people, you are giving them your power.
Philosophy Of Life, TWITTER:
Stay away from people who put others down.
Lisa A. Romano, TWITTER:
When you don’t feel good enough, codependency seems like the answer to feeling loved.
Gaslighting Effect, TWITTER:
Every empath is called a narcissist because every narcissist targets empaths to project their filthy ass all over until the empath questions whether they are a narcissist, because that's what they were gaslit to feel like
Causing empaths to absorb the narcissist's shame and guilt
As bullied kids grow into adults, they may continue to struggle with self-esteem, have difficulty developing and maintaining relationships, and avoid social interactions. They also may have a hard time trusting people, which can impact their personal relationships and their work relationships.
"The Long-Lasting Effects of Bullying"
https://www.verywellfamily.com/bullying-impact-4157338
Josh…, TWITTER:
Confront a manipulator about what they did wrong, and watch them make it about you.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
This is how we’re conditioned to believe love looks like: fixing, rescuing, & enabling.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
It’s helpful to view all behaviors as attempts to stay safe. When when behavior is dysfunctional it’s because we haven’t learned a healthier way to meet our needs.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Safe love feels boring or like it lacks passion when all you’ve known is the drama cycles of codependency.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Anger is often an appropriate response. People who tell you to “just get over it” usually lack boundaries in their own lives.
And benefit from you not having them.
narcissist_survivor®, TWITTER:
Narcissistic abuse is domestic violence.
Virginia Fenice, TWITTER:
Emotional abuse is death by a thousand cuts
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Culture is a beautiful thing if it promotes: togetherness, belonging, emotional support, & authenticity.
Culture is a toxic thing if it promotes: unhealthy pressure, a role you don’t choose for yourself, shame, or emotional abuse
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic individuals focus on your faults like they don't have any to work.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Being attacked is a sign that you are important enough to be a target. You should relish the attention and the chance to prove yourself.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Eh, your boundaries might inconvenience someone else. Given their choice, most people out there would prefer you have NO boundaries-- because then they can just do what they want.
Thing is: your safety & stability is more important than what they prefer.
Carla Corelli, TWITTER:
This is what happens if you keep repressing your feelings.
Learn to process them in a constructive way and then let them go.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Trauma did NOT make you stronger.
It changed the structure and function of your brain, put you at risk for hormone imbalance + chronic pain, made it hard to discern between calm + chaos.
Let’s not glorify trauma.
Let’s GET REAL about healing:
It. Is. Possible.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Understand: people will constantly attack you in life. One of their main weapons will be to instill in you doubts about yourself – your worth, your abilities, your potential. They will often disguise this as their objective opinion, but invariably...they want to keep you down.
Grantford W., TWITTER:
Those who crave power are always the least deserving.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma responses aren't choices. They're conditioned reflexes.
We can make ourselves less vulnerable to them & condition our responses to them-- but there's no shame in experiencing a trauma response. They happen. You didn't ask for them.
Ease up. You're working on it.
end_sexual.violence, TWITTER:
Never feel sympathy for abusers or their enablers
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
"Taking responsibility" in trauma recovery ISN'T about blaming yourself for your trauma OR your nervous system's instinctive responses to triggers.
It's about making the little decisions we CAN make, eery day, to gain .001% more control over how we feel & function. That's all.
C.G. Jung Foundation, TWITTER:
"Man is not a machine that can be remodelled for quite other purposes as occasion demands . . . He carries his whole history with him; in his very structure is written the history of mankind." - C.G.J.
A Cup Of Psychology, TWITTER:
Psychology says, Always learn how to be strong alone.
Dr. Thema, TWITTER:
Shift your focus from those who didn’t show up for you to the destiny helpers who did.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You know what? I *am* one of those therapists who believes that, when you were abused or neglected as a child, you WERE a "helpless victim of external forces," & therapy IS partially about affirming that you WERE a victim-- not complicit in your abuse or neglect.
You got me.
Lisa A. Romano, TWITTER:
If you lack boundaries and take care of others at the expense of yourself, you will attract people with these traits. #codependency #codependent #boundaries #relationships
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The habit of people pleasing can be hard to kick because it's often based in the "fawn" trauma response.
We're not gonna be able to really give it up until we're confident, on a deep level, that we can survive someone's wrath when we refuse to do or be what they want.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Often we're not getting out of dysfunctional emotional or behavioral patterns until we get clear of toxic systems (families, organizations, churches, relationships) in which we're enmeshed.
Hard to heal when the relational oxygen we're breathing every day is polluted.
Dr Emma Katz, TWITTER:
How a survivor behaves when an abuser has them entrapped and has pushed them beyond endurance with relentless & multiple tactics of abuse over a long period of time -
- is NOT who they really are. Please don't judge people based on this. Look at who they are in other contexts.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Trauma responses impact upon our cognition and become part of our behavioral patterns.
However, they are NOT our personality, and we don’t become them.
When we heal, we start to find our truest, most authentic selves outside of how we function in constant survival mode.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Most people aren’t faking sick
They’re faking well.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Sometimes people aren’t mad at you, they’re mad at the illusion you’ve ruined for them.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The emotional dysregulation in complex trauma mirrors the chaos & survival strategies that WERE our life experience.
Our nervous system got used to highs & lows & frantic avoidance to get by-- & that conditioning dies hard.
It's not you. It's what you endured.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Learn to question yourself: Why this anger or resentment? Where does this incessant need for attention come from? Under such scrutiny, your emotions will lose their hold on you. You will begin to think for yourself instead of reacting to what others give you.
Arthur Schopenhauer
“Mostly it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things.”
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The bitch of recovery is, we have to learn to love and protect ourselves EVEN IF we didn't experience love or protection growing up.
Our trauma wants to tell us it's too late. We'll never learn. We'll never feel truly loved by or safe with ourselves.
Our trauma is wrong.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There's nothing they won't tell you about themselves if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they will end the friendship.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Slander is a form of control.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Not overexplaining yourself to toxic, manipulative, psycho, and jealous people is real self care.
custodypeace, TWITTER:
We would never allow someone without medical training to determine if a child has cancer. They are not trained to know what to look for.
So, how on earth are we allowing judges w/o DV/child abuse training to protect children from abuse when they don't even know what to look for?
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
Trauma will have you feeling like you need people who hurt you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Maybe if we didn't feel seen, heard, or valued growing up, we MIGHT have a tendency to overexplain or people please now.
Maybe that was a reasonable adaptation to an environment in which we didn't understand why we felt f*cking invisible.
Anxiety & shame OFTEN tag team us.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Most people don’t want the truth. They want an illusion that feels best to the ego.
This is why doing ego work is important because when we service the ego, we sacrifice growth.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
• your triggers can tell a person more about you than anyone/anything else. Your triggers are a blueprint to situations that make/have made you who you are & they are a blueprint to healing.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We are raised in a culture that says your worth comes from what you own & how you perform.
Anxiety is a natural human response to being valued based on performance. Not a disorder that needs masking.
C.G. Jung Foundation, TWITTER:
"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." - Carl Jung
(4.10.2022)
When I accept anxiety as signal that someone and something is toxic - and that triggers are toxic shame and trauma which I have to regulate and to react naturally - whatever that means, depending on situation - then when I know that being cheerful, what I am left with is the logic: that I move on, relocate and leave toxic ambient and toxic people as ultimate goal. The ability to leave and change settings by moving away. This takes courage and finances as prerequisite. The courage will not be available if there is toxic shame thwarting and distorting the definition of courage, such as being courageous means explosions and drama and hysteria. The finances also play the role - and this means I need to pay attention to toxic shame voice to be embarrassed and guilty and angry at myself for finding myself in abusive situation which was not my choice and when I could not move away from it.
With trauma and toxic shame I am set up, programmed and hypnotized to codependency mode: to fix other people and sooth their regulation by people pleasing them, fawning and suppressing my own needs, that I focus on toxic people, spend time and energy on them and lose common sense while being triggered into endless survival mode by trying to understand them, trying to understand what they want and how to survive them.
And toxic shame is the motor that sets me up to worry and spend time on thinking how to prepare myself for the worse and what to do about their abuse - none of which I can do since I cannot control other people. Roses will develop thorn to protect themselves against predators - me staying in contact with toxic people does not work, that is not solution. Moving away and cutting contact is - and that is social anxiety message. Which means that I can rely on my thoughts, they are not irrational neither hallucination as CBT instructs me to believe.
Where CBT sees and explains and instructs distortions, flaws, danger and catastrophe in form of cognitive distortions and so called wrong mindset - in reality all these concepts are Survival mode. In survival mode there is basic operations available - there is no cortex brain active to discern and investigate nor to explore or discover new dots neither it is able to connect dots - which results in thinking process that mimics cognitive distortions. When we label ourselves as distortion we will destroy true Self, self worth, self esteem and we will install toxic shame instead - which means more anxiety and then true distortions will spring up out of nothing. When we observe our trials, fears, panic, wrong decisions, not being able to think better decisions as survival mode - something that we were raised in not caused by our own fault neither as part of some basic character flaw - then we can trust ourselves. When we banish toxic shame, we will be able to ward off toxic people and toxic ambient and shift locus of control inside - which is healthy and it sets us up on the right path, where we won't make life harder and more difficult. We will be able to focus on finding solutions instead of being stuck in labyrinth of hypervigilance and ongoing, never-ending hamster wheel worry loops.
In survival mode we will be prone to attract covert narcissists - since we will hunger for peaceful attachments - and coverts will gladly act like one. Then we will soak up their lies which appear as truth. For example they will talk how they like to help people. Then as time goes by we will direct some help in their direction only to find them having temper tantrums where they accuse us of talking about them behind their back. It may take years and trauma healing to realize that they were lieing about being helpful - and that they help only in focused manner, to gain some goal or advantage from this supposed help, and they are not interested in helping people at all.
Covert narcissists set up false story and we believe them, then they create drama when faced with truth - and we end up with imposed self blame and guilt that cannot be processed. Which means being stuck, staying stuck in survival mode, like in a spinning wheel. Problem are not out thoughts nor the way how we think - the only problem is in external: toxic people and toxic shame internalized from the external source.
I have noticed that I am behaving like "Pushover" and people pleaser and fawning when I am happy and in a good mood. This is why aggressive psychopaths are aggressive - they are in constant hypervigilance, they are unable to be in a good mood - and they spread this illness to others by making them worry, they throw problems and issues which they fantasize through catastrophizing and thus they instill and install trauma injury in others. They do not want others to be calm and happy and in a good cheer, good mood. This is also the reason why being in good moon and being cheerful is anti-dote to trauma, abuse and anxiety, hyperivigilance and worry. And they will mock, yell, make threat and ashame anyone who is feeling good - they try to infect others with hysteria, gloom, bad mood and drama. Without boundaries, without realizing that they are toxic - they will succeed.
It seems that with social anxiety we are stuck at a certain stage of social interaction which we never break on through to the other side. We never had chance to break the ice, and we are stuck in a loop or repeating trauma response instead. We never tested what would happen if we took risk and experiment and try to set boundaries - anything opposite from what we were programmed in the childhood to act out. Trauma is dysregulation and feeling panic is the glue that keeps us stuck in immobility and passive role. I see trauma bonding as the most damaging loop acting out hypnosis that is associated with social anxiety, it is the most painful, too. Programming, hypnosis, repeating the old habits when we feel scared and panicked is pattern that keeps social anxiety ongoing. I would focus of the hypnosis part. When we have limited knowledge, limited scope of words to describe what is going on, we are stuck in descriptions of society, often not benevolent. I am talking about pseudo-psychology in the form of toxic description of human beings which is pretty much dehumanizing and limited and generalized. I see that narcissists and abusers believe in such common general descriptions which are not based on psychology: alpha male.
By their definition alpha is part of, and I quote, "The socio sexual hierarchy, created by Vox day, is a categorization system that separates men into different hierarchical 'ranks' and 'archetypes. ' It's used to describe how men interact with one-another, how they behave, and what their natural inclinations are likely to be."
By definition alpha is confident, successful, good looking, leader, extroverted, hyper-masculine.
While beta is subordinate, passive, subservient, "wants to gain the approval of others and be liked, but they are more reserved", don't like conflict, don't like defending themselves, follower, timid, over-caring, trouble saying No, not competitive, have a big ego, friendly, trustworthy, reliable, life based on the values of other people, people make fun of, makes excuses, gets offended easily, does not communicate openly. Pretty much being "beta" is description of someone with social anxiety. I would make a point that this is simplified description of personality. If we believe in general description created by popular internet web site, formed on unwritten social rules - we will stay stuck with labels someone else created. I can see immediately huge issue with "alpha" - that it creates narcissists, desperate to wear mask of superiority and to be confident. Then this overcompensation results in parasiting over kind, nice people whom they perceive as a "second class".
In reality - we are totally free to create our own life, our own persona that does not need to comply to pseudo psychology, click bait web site nor groupthink. I am talking about conditioning - if we were told our entire life that we are different and being bullied, we will develop traits that may appear "beta". If we believe in such label, we will act in accordance of someone else's descriptions without being aware that we are programmed and hypnotized into labels created by bullies and mentally ill people seeking superior position to parasite over their targets. Someone who has predatory narcissistic traits will engage in abusive criminal violent behaviour to achieve superiority position. This abuse needs to be addressed.
I would see that being "alpha" is simplified description of someone who is confident without seeking approval from others. This is not so easy to achieve - there are certain unspoken per-requirements for achieving lucky settings: having money, influence and background for the most part. If we decide to believe in pseudo-science and someone's explanations not based on real science, we will self-sabotage ourselves and hypnotize ourselves into Stockholm syndrome. If we decide to believe into someone's description of having no confidence - as any narcissists we will decide to overcompensate and appear confident - which in the end will make us appear very clingy and anything else but confident. Trying to appear confident and successful, we will end up in constant state of hypervigilance and survival mode - and this is exactly where we are with social anxiety and trauma. Which means that most of our fears, panic and sense of doom and catastrophe stems from accepting toxic social definitions and we are totally unaware of these orders and commands - they are invisible they appear as something else then urge to fit into someone else's ideal and description of whom we are. This is all part of trauma, not character flaw. We were made to believe that we have character flaw and CBT joins into this toxic shaming. This is what makes social anxiety multi-fold entity. It all stems from toxic shame and toxic ambient. Social anxiety appears as low confidence - and we cannot beat social anxiety by trying to act confident - since the problem is in hypnosis, programming and exposure to abuse and trauma - with integral parts being in adopting toxic descriptions, mentally ill descriptions of human being and us trying to fit into these implanted definitions and labels of someone who is toxic - while it appears to us as fixing something flawed and wrong and broken inside of us. Social anxiety appears as personal defect and instructions mainly from CBT or click bait pseudo-psychology of human personality are playing huge role in keeping us hypnotized and programmed into toxic shame and guilt and self blame and self hatred.
This way we think the problem is in our fears and panic, that these fears and anxiety and panic stems from our personal, deep character flaw and defect inside us. That is not true. That is a lie. It is programming and hypnosis implanted through abuse and trauma, being exposed to toxic ambient and aggressive mentally ill person. If we take CBT instruction to fix ourselves - we will stay caught in a loop of people pleasing and trying to fit into conformism and group-think and herd mentality - and this means staying stuck in social anxiety - that CBT then tries to "resolve" by drug pushing marketing and more of blaming and self hatred - that we are simply lazy for not following CBT "superior" instructions how to get rid of anxiety, that are not based on psychology, reality nor common sense.
If any label, description or opinion leads to personal flaw - that we need to fix - it is road to toxic shame and trauma and abuse. Instead the only correct way is self acceptance, self validation and trusting our own common sense - instead of someone else's advice and directions. The first step is in realization that in this reality, in this dimension - everything is relative and it is our first step to self rely and base our outlook of reality on our own common sense - not someone's instructions or guidance. Then in the second step we might listen to others and hear their stories and their experiences - and decide whether we will follow them or not. With trauma and programming we are set up to follow and believe into others first and to distrust our Self, since we are explained that we are broken and dysfunctional simply because we feel fears, anxiety and panic - which other people are either to stupid to sense or they are wearing toxic mask of ignorance and unhealthy approach of suppressing emotions and feelings - that in the long term lead to mental illness.
Instead of groupthink and conformism, our social anxiety is teaching us that we are unique and being different will cause anxiety in others. With trauma we were set up to people please and to depend on other people to survive. I would make correction and improving and fixing only in these trauma areas - which are implanted by external, trauma responses and trauma programming are not part of our core being.
Afterall, "alfa" and narcissistic urge to dominate to gain approval - is nothing else by depending on others, it is anything but "alfa". The leader comes with followers - so being "alfa" by definition is not "alfa" at all since it cannot survive without the public to parasite upon which defines "alfa" as better than the rest.
Instead of fixing and nitpicking our character - I would rather solely focus on conditioning, programming and hypnosis that we were exposed to toxic ambient and toxic people. While growing up with trauma and dysfunction - we were repeatedly being criticized and punished for our errors which were totally necessary and natural since we were doing everything for the first time - that these relentless messages of toxic shame criticism created toxic shame. Without self worth we have no basis nor boundaries to keep toxic people and toxic ambient away from us.
The only good aspect of oversimplified explanation of societal roles is vague guidance what is productive - complaining and whining is obviously not attractive trait. This can be hard to remember when we are dysregulated and triggered. CBT tries to "fix" this dysregulation issue by people pleasing and crap fitting into abuse, being silent and obedient to abusers. Also, role of alfa is described as someone who express one opinion without the fear of conflict. Again, due to trauma it is hypnosis that keeps us stuck in silence and shutting up, along with CBT if we try to seek official help for social fears and inhibitions. We will express ourselves and be confident when we cut toxic people, move away from toxic environment and when we remove toxic shame conditioning. Then confidence comes naturally, without any special and expensive techniques and constant guard of our own actions and thoughts. This comes only with self acceptance and validation for out experience of being abused and traumatized into hypnosis and programming of panic and fawning. Rather than self blame and self hatred, that we accept it as a fluke, caprice, part of make shift personality, outside of our control when dysregulated - however by knowing concept of intrinsic locus of control we rely on our common sense to feel valued and worthy. With such mindset we won't be preocupied into nitpicking our actions and thoughts and thus appearing more scared and afraid of people.
I am huge opponent to instructions and strict guidance since anyone's life is different and there are circumstances and cultural differences which are totally topsy turvy from a general average case that may be portrayed as "ideal" one. Instead I lean onto humanistic psychology where each person is validated and accepted to reach within to find own GPS instructions. With this being said, I believe that with trauma and narcissistic abuse we were given false, wrong and detrimental hypnosis about general life - how to handle conflicts and how to react to difficulties in life. We were either given totally detrimental advice and examples from narcissists or we were not given any information at all - and thus we relied on our imagination and fears to guide us in the darkness. This means that the only thing we need to heal anxiety is learning how to validate, self respect and take care of ourselves - and anything based on intrinsic locus of control will be our GPS, the common sense and correct thing to do in life.
With all things considered I see any external instruction how to handle social anxiety as unhealthy - it will lead to external reference locus of control, toxic shame, trauma bonding - a belief that I am unable to handle and manage my thoughts, mind, decisions and that I must rely on other people to explain me how to think and organize my thoughts. CBT will instruct to self blame and to consider abuse as hallucination and the only answer to toxic people is to leave them - which does not work in real life at all. It works if I have money where CBT is coming from.
If we could step back and look at the whole picture - then dualism and double binding is obvious: where reacting to abuse is wrong since it brings trauma and more fears and being silent about it and ignoring it does the same. And then pendulation and titration makes sense - where I find myself not being scared while in the same time being aware I am capable to feel fear and not equating it with my self worth neither with obligation to show off as in overcompensating. It is trauma splitting where I equate certain bad emotions with being evil. And then I can use pendulation and bring forth certain behaviours and acts that otherwise I would not choose due to programming - for example where I fawn and people please I add up alternative reactions such as direct confrontation and even yelling in the form of holding the abuser accountable for the wrongdoings that they done. With trauma and programming and conditioning to be silent and obedient, I would equate standing up for myself as being evil and being monster, as if I cannot express myself in any other way than abuser displays - with temper tantrums, uncontollable anger, mood swings, accusations and aggression. Instead of such culprit and pattern of sick narcissistic behaviour, I can appear arrogant yet still speak my mind in natural way, as a natural response to abuse and unfair treatment and disrespect. This part is muddled with trauma and programming. Trauma splitting is programming itself, where I hold wrong definitions and convictions that are not correct. And the secret is that I do not label these as disorder - since this label would only bring up toxic shame and more fears. Instead it is about knowing, education what is going on and not blaming myself for hanging onto old learned conditioned hypnotized beliefs and definitions and convictions.
I understand why CBT is equating social anxiety with hallucination and delusion. It is observable to us when we watch movies - and there is some scene that is related to social situations where obviously in the movie there is no trauma and no aggression - yet if we put ourselves into actor's place, we would feel toxic shame. In reality if we were doing certain action, some job we would be preoccupied with what other people think and judge us. Yet in the movie it is clear that there is no need for this torrent of judgement that we would feel in reality. This toxic shame, feeling that someone is criticizing us and that we are not allowed to do whatever we ought to do is part of trauma. This is automatic programming, conditioning from abuse, it is hallucination to third party, someone who is not conditioned, someone who was never conditioned into toxic shame. To label it as delusion and hallucination is invalidation of trauma and it does not help. Fears and toxic shame will not go away by us becoming aware that our fears are appearing as imaginary - since trauma is stuck inside our body and producing toxic shame beliefs that are guiding our judgement in downward spiral of shame and need to hide and avoid everyone. Labeling it as hallucination or delusion will only make it worse, it will add up to already present toxic shame, deep core belief I am not allowed to exist and be there.
It is great that we can educate ourselves how to handle difficult situations and difficult people in advance, before actual problem occurs. However - due to amygdala hijacking it is likely that we won't remember what to do. Ebbignhaus forgetting curve also will happen. And the most crucial ingredient is - that fears and panic are neurosis, it is hysteria, it is trauma - automatic response. And urge to be prepared and in state of expectancy is trauma response itself, it is hypervigilance. Instead of extensive plan - I would go in direction of learning to lean on my natural response, including the wrong ones, including the errors - and the basic preparation is self acceptance, self validation - which would prevent toxic shame causing our mind to make self sabotaging decisions. So the real goal is to have goals other than fears and overcoming fears, it is being focused on living the life instead of being prepared for catastrophe all the time, when catastrophe is not even potential to happen. That is why learning and educating has a limit. Instead of leaning on endless preparation, I would focus on a general advice, general direction that can be learning how to find resources if and when needed - instead of carrying resources on my back all the time.
The best example of this is Jung's Trickster concept - where I allow myself to make errors which will naturally occur and this Trickster concept allows all the caprices, quirks, perks and non-conformism that being HSP, traumatized, scared carries with itself. Trying to be super confident is forcing me to wear narcissistic mask of superiority and always be scared to be seen vulnerable, mistaken or wrong. Being Trickster I can allow myself to be myself and rely on myself when I accept myself as I am without seeking approval, validation and direction from other people. Focusing on panic symptoms is useless - it does not produce anything but focusing on more panic symptoms and keeping in the loop of fear and imagining more potential harm and abuse. Focusing on methods and preparation before actual event keeps one trapped in the prison, expecting the worst and not living the life, it is life without actually living it. And to make it worse - anything that might happened is and always will be out of the control of anyone. What I can control is my direction and what I need and where I want to go and what makes me happy without feeling guilty, scared or ashamed for it. I see this preocuppation with potential danger and methods how to be prepared as mimicking narcissistic disorder where narcissist is focused on oneself. The only difference is that narcissist is focused on grandeur and image whereas abused and traumatized individual is focused on avoiding predator, hurt and pain.
I see that along with acceptance of fears, anxiety and panic goes along with education about trauma. I definitely have issues with trauma splitting, seeing world black and white. Where I do not understand that anger can coexist with gratitude, forgiveness and without any intention to think about someone, hurting someone or having desire that someone must suffer and pay for their sins. I equate anger with wrath and terror and negativity so I avoid allowing myself to feel angry and thus I trauma bond easily. I see fawning as crucial virus in the thinking. With social anxiety I now understand that trauma about social inhibitions are Charcot hysteria. It is automatic behaviour, outside of my control - I totally lose logical control but from my perspective it seems like I am guilty whatever it is happening and that I have to self blame and self hate myself and feel responsible to fix any problem and any person involved - this comes automatically. In order to overcome this debilitating state of paranoia, blockage, freezing which I usually resolve with self sabotaging fawning - I would keep instructions how to deal with social anxiety quick, short and effective. It is about being focused: how can other person which triggers my fears, how can this person in particular hurt me? How can they effect me negatively? In what way can they cause damage? What can they do to me to cause pain, hurt, negative effect in any way? Can they physically hurt me, get me fired, backstab me? I need to become aware what is the ultimate worst scenario, figure out what am I afraid of? Deny me of service and help? When I realize what is the ultimate damage - I can make long term plans how to avoid it and discover steps I can do to protect myself. If I do not do this evaluation, I will self blame, self hate and self pathologize myself, I will get stuck in learned helplesness and I will label myself as unreliable, weak, damaged and someone who cannot fix nor manage life. And that is narcissist's goal, that I become codependent and to worship and admire them. Then I get stuck in social anxiety - fears, triggers, flashbacks, hypervigilance, fawning. There is inability to lead normal life, enjoyment nor taking goals - I simply feel unable to live. Instead I am focused on people pleasing, being pushover and being in general apathy mood.
In this state I am totally unaware that when I would find a solution out of the trap and dependence on someone, when all the negative is gone - I am productive; I suggest, I participate, I create, I contribute, I make plans, I follow plans and basically I am active and I add value, clean, resolve and solve problems. This state of psychological safety is the goal, that I get unstuck from trauma and bullying and negative and toxic people and ambient.
When in the presence of toxic person I have extreme empathy for toxic person. I normalize the abuse, there is total forgiveness to the point of cowardness - and it is automatic: I shut up, I do not engage in conflict and open expression, there is no response, there is total silence not because of morality or being the better one - but silence is there only as being scared of being hurt, there is cowardness element in it - but being coward is not choice: it is learned programmed hysteria of being frozen and totally being unaware of alternatives or any awareness how can I retort to abuser. I stay stuck in social anxiety: being afraid of their criticism, their nitpicking, mocking, temper tantrums, afraid of being seen as weak, faulty or loser so I do things to overcompensate, it is automatic fawn and strong trauma bond happening immediately as I feel threat and abuse.
CBT says that I need to make list of things that I am afraid and then face them. This only makes me aware of fears and does not resolve anything since there is programmed fawning-freeze-flight reaction. This means fears are not issue as much as inability to defend myself, inability to know myself and inability to retort and know what I want, inability to believe in my capabilities. So instead of CBT list of fears, I would make a list of things I missed out due to effects of bullying: going out, having parties, being alone when I have urge to fit in, making friendships when I have urge to run away and avoid, when I fear speaking out that I express myself, when I try to overcompensate that I show my vulnerabilities, when I am afraid to leave that I go away, when I am afraid and tempted to run away - that I stay.
This Charcot hysteria which manifest itself as trauma and social anxiety basically comes down to cutting toxic people off and leaving toxic ambient.
CBT advice to be assertive and to voice out my side of story will only be used against me, whereas any discussion with covert narcissist is useless since they lack empathy, common sense and healthy mind - any contact with them is doomed to chaos and disorder.
This means that once I separate myself - that I do not go back and that I do not rebuild connections and somehow have fantasy that things will be better if I return.
I would say that social anxiety lesson to learn - how to make Darwin evolution - how to make thorns in a rose - process how to learn from anxiety is that I learn trauma bonding, that with social anxiety I will have tendency to trust the abuser and that I will have tendency to say yes and make contact with them even after they are clearly abusive. So my thorn would be that I cut contact, door slam without feeling guilty and without going with guilty feelings that I must be nice, good and to fix other people and appear as service to them. That I can turn by back to them and never speak to them without feeling guilty and ashamed because of it.
When I remove onion layers of social anxiety, trauma, toxic shame and amygdala hijackings - I am left with me being hypnotized into being kind, nice, obeying, scared little, small, insignificant, weak child that is unable to protect oneself and defend oneself - but only by being too agreeable, too nice, too kind with fawning and this false persona takes over my mind, actions, decisions - and I feel this as being stuck, as I have no alternative, it fuels panic and uncomfortable feeling that something is wrong, extreme toxic shame and impending doom. And I cannot snap out of it, I am trapped into being someone else, and I have no idea what is happening - whereas official medical help in form of self help and CBT or therapy - does not see any problem at all: since I am nice, kind, obeying, quiet, silent - but this is a huge problem since I am not my Self, I am playing a role and I am stuck in fear, immobility and not taking actions - where bullies, narcissists and abusers of any kind will get the cake, they will flourish in life and take risks, and demand what they want - while I will stay stuck in freeze response, avoiding and hiding away from life.
This needs to be broken, this is unhelathy, this kind and nice version of automatic self is disorder - even though it appears orderly. This is example where order, forced order is actually disorder and extremely unhealthy, dysfunctional and non productive. I am stuck in not taking any action, playing a role of being nothing, without needs, desires, wants or urgent issues that I need to take care of. Instead I do not move at all. That is not healthy. It may appear healthy to someone without empathy and someone who have no ability to see the big picture - how damaging it is to be frozen and stuck, as CBT sees is it as healthy and explains it as healthy and something to thrive - since CBT is actually rule and instruction for violent individuals with rage issues that cannot be controlled. I need the opposite - I need to lose control, I need to let go of a role, I need to drop the act and be myself and take care of my Self and needs.
This would literally mean that I break the rules - that I make a fuss, that I make mistakes and that I make other people angry and that I leave when nothing changes instead of trauma bonding with manipulative controlling mad people. It would mean that it is ok for me to react in natural way - which may include hysteria. I try hold on to good image and to have total self control - and this is not good when I am stuck. I try hard not to be hysterical - and I end up being internally hysterical, hysteria is still there - but it is buried inside me. If I allow my child Self my repressed parts of Self to react in natural way I would rock the boat and I would do things that I would feel guilty about which toxic shame prevents me to feel. So I see healthy way - to normalize feeling guilty and feeling fine with feeling guilty, being fine with guilt feelings. I was programmed to repress guilt and that I do not do anything that might provoke guilt feelings: thus I end up avoiding people and avoiding natural reactions to someone rudeness and controlling behaviour. I try so hard to be toxically positive and not add up to negativity - and this urge to be good and kind and positive and good role model is creating social anxiety and hysteria, it does not resolve Charcot hysteria inside me. With fawning reactions I stay with the abuse, I stay in mobbing and bullying ambient and I try to be strong and that I appear strong in other people's eyes.
I would instead of stifling down and trying to be good and nice - which are perfectly fine and correct in normal and healthy ambient - I would explore "alternative" reactions in presence of evil and toxic ambient. Reactions that I do not allow myself to exhibit due to implanted program that I am good and nice in order to evade someone's punishment - which makes me stuck being coward basically. I need to normalize non-orthodox reactions when in the presence of evil people which would normally fuel guilt and shame feelings inside me. I tried to hard to be good and kind and nice to toxic people - and it does not work. In fact this urge to be kind and nice to everyone created disorder. That is why I would go in the direction of learning and perfecting Retort reaction to evil people and toxic ambient. Being silent, fawning and staying inside abuse is not healthy - I was programmed to stay and suffer, CBT instructed me to people please and to fawn, and that did not resolve anything, social anxiety was still present and it made me feel afraid of life and living my life.
With abusers and narcissists it seems to me that simple retort such as "Don't speak me disrespectfully" will make them scared - since they are capable of backstabbing and evil agenda and passive aggression - so they imagine some scenario being played on them - and this way their own twisted and psychopat mind is turned against them - they will get scared and hysterical by their own sociopath mind that they usually perform on victims, on people who are silent to them and thus seens as easy victims of their aggression and perversion, abuse. Also, when someone is really disrespectful - this is a sign that they won't change, this is repetative behaviour and it is a sign to leave and exit away from them, so retort is kind of fair well. When I am silent and quit to their disrespect I am inviting them to contine the abuse. And that is what happens in real life - they continue triggering me, provoking more fears and panic - and I freeze more and more. I do not reply and I do not move - and I am at their mercy, like a circus animal being obedient to their verbal commands. CBT say that such toxic people do not exist and that I can word my way out of it - negotiation with them does not work since they use any information for nagging and complaining and they use personal information as weapon to attack, mock and control. Toxic environment is filled with criticism and nagging and complaining - that is toxic ambient. And I cannot fix it by me being quiet and nice.
It is important to mention and to be aware that this high intolerance of someone being rude and aggressive and disrespectful is extremely similar to narcisissim. However there is one huge difference which obviously many mentors, gurus and therapists do not perceive: that is narcissists are concerned about their image and their mask, they are afraid to admit vulnerabilities and mistakes and they are focused on hurting and harming others. The socially anxious person on the other hand is only concerned about safety and not being physically hurt by someone's intense verbal abuse and threats, there is no image to defend nor mask, and the fear of admitting mistakes is only due to fear of punishment if the abuser discovers more errors to attack, and fear of being vulnerable is covered only due to abuse from narcissist who is targeting the image and gives orders to be alpha, superior, macho - as oppose using labels such as wimp, coward and weak on their target.
Social anxiety and trauma is the result of narcissistic abuse - and socially anxious person due to empathy cannot become narcissist and abuser himself - thus creating avoidance issues and hysteria inside - to break the generational curse and contagion of narcissistic abuse onto the next generation, like a match being pulled down in order not to spread fire onto other matches.
The narcissistic abuser will cause socially anxious person to mimic narcissism, to third party the social fears and social inhibitions will seem like hidden manipulation and type of covert control and escape of responsibility.
Socially anxious people might get mislabeled as narcissist because they are afraid to admit all fears - and only "socially aceptable" fears will be spoken and voiced - giving the wrong impression to the therapist. Being preoccupied with panic and trying to find resolution for it is not narcsisism. Narcissism is control and manipulation, being coersive and basically abusing the other person. We can never know the whole story, we are unable to see the whole picture ourselves due to lack of education, lack of information, availability heuristics and confirmation bias - so this is the reason why giving advice to someone is doomed to failure. Humanistic psychology is the best since it only gives information and tools to person trapped in anxiety - whereas escape out depends only on the person who is willing to escape the prison of one's own mind.
Narcissist use DARVO to deflect responsibility and accountability for their abuse and hidden agenda of exploiting others - in the same way I see anti-dote to abusers as set of responses which are immediate and automatic - where these responses to abuse are filled with honesty, facts, objectivity, being authentic and where the treatment of abusers is not the same as with regular, normal and healthy people. With social anxiety there is permanent face, solid response that is equal to all people - being them kind, nice or rude and violent. This needs to be remodeled and changed - it is about being able to discern between toxic and healthy people. Toxic people use certain strategies to camoflouge their abuse by being helpful, appearing with empathy which is actually focused and laser sharp - so learning red flags of recognizing toxic people is crucial. On the other hand there are people who grew up in healthy environment and they are not basically evil neither unkind nor toxic however due to lack of understading of existance of abusers and narcissists - they use certain tools and skills where they mimic abuser and this can be confusing to the recepient. In this case I see being honest and somewhat non orthodox to them also as anti-dote, it will shake them up to change their boundary crossing tactics.
With trauma bonding I will try to make friends, to be agreeable and nice and I will be focused on finding solutions and trying to make peace at any cost. That is social anxiety. Inability to break contact, inability to see abusive people as toxic, inability to react to abusive people in rude manner and cutting contact permanently - this is something that socially anxious people missed to learn - instead the only lessong was guilt tripping and feeling shame for breaking social norms and fawning. I would therefore focus on this guilt and shame caused by breaking social norms. This is where Jung's Trickster comes into play - where I would no longer feel embarassed, ashamed or guilty for breaking norms and imposed social constructs which does not keep peace but only abuse alive.
I would work in direction of noticing fear, shame, guilt, embarrasement feelings and thoughts - stopping the reaction to them in form of self blame, self hate and catastrophizing - and instead perceiving them as manipulation and control from toxic ambient - where my duty is to make mistake, to make fool of myself and to break social constructs. Otherwise, with social anxiety I go into automatic behaviour of being silent, keeping silent, being afraid, adding up to my belief that I am inept and someone who cannot rely on myself to trust myself to keep safe, fawning behaviour and feeling intense shame for existing. I would go in the opposite direction - if social anxiety makes me feel to run away when I am not in physical danger - instead I would stay. If social anxiety makes me shut up - I would speak up, if I am not in physical danger. The obvious solution to situations where I must depend on only one abusive rude people for service or help - is to make long term plans such as relocation. Social anxiety is therefore also the firm negative belief about myself based on past and current experience of me fawning, being silent, being afraid and not being able to react to abuse - and instead taking the blows just for the sake of being afraid what would other people think of me if they see me being coward - so I must take blows and abuse so that other people see how strong I am. That is social anxiety also, as multifold entity, this is yet another face of social anxiety, trauma and end result of bullying, mobbing and being in toxic ambient.
The most devastating effect of social anxiety is inability to detect toxic person in a way to cut trauma bond, and the trauma bond itself is extremely damaging effect where I get stuck with obviously toxic person and I cannot break fear of opinion what this person thinks about me. I get trapped, frozen in fear without ability to name and label toxic person as abuser, someone who is dangerous, evil. There is no resource to feel anger in expressive way. CBT never describes this and explains this at all. And I can't imagine that someone can feel strong animosity and that anyone can be so much evil that is deserving of anger. This inability to defend myself and to feel anger to the point of lobotomy of the part that ought to give me energy and ability to detect toxic person - and I resolve this inability to defend myself by social anxiety: avoidance, fawning, shutting up and making myself small. In the same time I put incredible amount of trust in evil person and wait for their approval in any way. This is where codependency appears to the third party. Instead of codependency, just as in case of narcissism there is inability to retort, defend or act in any way to stand up for myself. I see this inability to react and defend as core issue with social anxiety, this is where trauma is located, this is where the core wound is, this is the wound itself and this is causing low self esteem - since I know deep inside me that I am unable to have defense or radar to detect toxic people and I have no program how to react and no way to retort to toxic aggressive evil people. In a way that is a good thing - since this is the test the Universe will put me in: to see how evil I am and do I have evil bone inside me, evil tendencies. Also I see this is opportunity to learn and develop strategy how to react to evil without becoming evil - where Darwin evolution is ability to detect predator and to outsmart predator, not to fight it, since predator is stronger than me, otherwise it would not be predator. How can I adapt myself to evil toxic covert abusers, that I am able to detect them and to retort them, cut contact and not feel guilty to whatever natural reactions I take to break trauma bonding with them. Social constructs, social obligations and social rules, conformism play also a crucial role in this - since I would let rules and definitions to define what is appropriate - whereas predators do not play by the rule and succeed in life despite the rules.
I would challenge the peacemaker and aggreable part of me that is preventing me to make decisions other than fawning and being afraid of being punished and hurt. Being willing to be punished is therefore obvious mark and direction. Social anixety is hidden and covert fear of punishment, being hurt, rejected consequently, but primary concern is fear of pain and hurt - not rejection as CBT explains. Rejection is primary concern for narcissist posing as socially anxious, confusing and mimicking social anxiety since this way abusers can play victim to others and gain sympathy and appear meak, friendly and needy - ways to attract narcissistic supply: needy and lonely or traumatized people.
The natural solution to social anxiety when oberved from trauma aspect and being bullied and abused is that I allow myself to be unreasonable, to allow myself to feel guilt without attaching toxic shame to it, that I allow myself to be independent without external guidance.
And there is a big question how can these toxic people work and live in life with abuse and exploitation? How they get gain, how people tolerate them and work with them without door slaming them out? What they do gain and get is quick and easy prey, easy target, it can't work out in the long term. I see my fears, avoidance and fawning as crucial factor of disorder here, because when I neglect myself and when I appease abusers and do not rock the boat, I am the one who is enabling the abuse, I am enabler. In my head, from my perspective I am keeping myself safe, I evade being punished, I avoid pain and I am convinced that I am doing the service to the world by giving the example of what is peaceful and good. I would see resolution in independence and being honest and authentic, leaving toxic people, cutting contact with them. Also crucial ingredient is allowing myself to make mistakes, to make errors, to break rules - and to see my mistakes which are totally unintentional, social errors which will occur naturally in any social situation as exercise in breaking the social norms - something that is totally normal and totally healthy and something that I need to make and have in life. Instead of panically being embarrased about mistakes - now I can change the way how I view them - as proof of being independent, not being focused on external approval nor validation and that I am trickster, making fun of myself and social rules and norms which are not healthy.
With social anxiety and trauma and abuse I received wrong definitions and wrong instructions about guilt and shame, errors and what I am suppose to be and how am I suppose to appear in any social contact. These definitions were wrong. I learned that I must fawn and shut up and feel guilty and that I must avoid making errors and mistakes in order not to make someone angry, and that I must appease and fix other people's emotions and problems in order for them not to become angry, violent and aggressive. Instead of appeasing them, I see solution in being myself and standing up by my mistakes and errors and my goals which are not associated with expectations of other people. It also included being willing to experience pain, punishment, mocking and attack. Due to programming and hysteria this fear of punishment went too far - where I panically try not to make other people angry, as if I cannot survive their emotions of anger and abuse - and that I must shut up and freeze. To speak up and to retort I need to have ability inside me to believe that I am allowed to break artificial norms, regulations, rules of how am I suppose to be and how am I suppose to act in social situations.
So the worst possible advice for socially anxious would be to be calm, to be silent, to be friendly, to be open, to accept anyone - and this is what CBT is doing to socially anxious, instructing them to surrender to abuse and crap fit into abuse.
I trust that social anxiety arises when we are programmed to be ethical, kind, justified, correct, fair - and yet we find ourselves in toxic ambient with toxic people who are none of that and we have collision with people who are not only in making decision so that they do not follow rules but they also break rules and boundaries and tresspas and have hidden agenda to exploit other people's kindness. Then social anxiety arises as message from subconsciousness that we are tricked, manipuated and controlled and if I am unable to recognize toxic people to stand up or cut contact with immediately - social anxiety will intruct me to avoid and feel uncomfortable with such people so that I naturally close borders which my logic will open and hand the keys to the abusers, Trojans masked as friends, help, service or someone neutral, someone who appears non threatening even though they clearly exhibit toxic behaviour. With trauma I will be prone to normalize abuse and self blame myself for being too sensitive and not manly enough to handle the mocking, bullying and unfair treatment.
Many people experience egocentrism and empathy gap - so society in general will be instructed by authority to negotiate, to have collaboration, to identify needs and to explain someone's abusive behaviour as trauma and CBT will explain that no one can't make me feel anything or make me do anything - except that in reality manipulators lie, use hidden agenda, and manipulation tools to gaslight and present false information and coercive control to play down their victims - so in that way toxic people can play tricks and swindle "normal" and friendly and open people - we can see that in crime reports every day.
If we superimpose Maslow's needs over abuse and social anxiety - it is clear that basis needs are not satisfied - such as safety, feeling safe with people. Then anyone appears as friend to fawn over. Where need to be safe is primary concern, there is no fear of abandonment or rejection as CBT falsely describes social anxiety described on narcissists who are mimicking social anxiety to gain narcissistic supply in other people. With this basic hole inside of course I will see all people as safe and as basic need - that I must depend on other people to fill in the safety hole. This makes me prime target for psychopaths, sociopaths, abusers, narcissists, aggressive borderliners.
When I understand that there are toxic people out there, I can also understand unfriendly and people who appear angry all the time and not open for communication. They simply learned long ago that toxic people are natural fact of life - as oppose socially anxious ones growing up in programming and conditioning to ignore toxic people and direct any abuse into self blame and self hate as alternative and coping mechanism. This knowledge also gives me information to approach people, that I change socially anxious belief that all people hate me - they are simply wary. What empaths feel as hate is actually protective mechanism against toxic people. Then I can remind myself that I have no evil agenda, that I won't harm other people and that there is nothing to hide or be embarrased about or ashamed about.
This feeling of other people hating me, as if this is personal hatred is common fear for socially anxious people - and I do not remember any self help book explaining it as - it is protective mechanism. It cannot be personal since they do not know me. These people instead of social anxiety had reality check and learned without conditioning and abuse that there are abusive people out there, predators and truly evil people. Appearing hateful is mask, deflection method - and to empaths and socially anxious people this will appear as personal attack, as if they are friendly to all people and they personally hate me for some unknown reason. If I am kind and nice - in their eyes I will appear manipulative, so in a way I do sense hatred from them. It is just hatred that comes from not knowing me, and it is based as general weapon against all people who are unknown or different in behaviour than majority of people. Being kind and nice is not so common and it triggers alarm systems in people who learned how to protect themselves against toxic people with appearing moody, not talkative, angry. Of course, I have total decision whether it is worthy to spend time with such people, especially if this mask is something they habitually put all the time, even after it is obvious that someone is not toxic, manipulative or controlling.
In teen years fears and panic are the most strongest. When someone drives a car for the first time, with the condition that this new driver is conscious and healthy person, the driver will feel panic. Panic, anxiety is Charcot's hysteria - it is autonomous system, discovered by Freud and explained by Jung - system inside that has a mind of its own, and we cannot control it - directly. The urge to cover it up, to be ashamed by it, to stifle it down, to ignore it, to fight with it - nothing will work, since it is not sick, that is totally normal entity living inside us and it suppose to be triggered by toxic ambient and toxic people and toxic habit, anything toxic. If we observe people who appear confident - then it is clear that those people who are not feeling or displaying panic are wearing an armour, mask, learned behaviour how to cover up panic and anxiety, mostly this is learned in healthy ambient without interventions. The point is that healthy people are not so healthy, they are actors and they molded their outside persona in accordance how to calm their panic and anxiety without noticing this is panic and anxiety and without noticing that they build anything. This building mask and persona can be dangerous if we live in close contact with someone controlling, abusive and narcissistic - since we will instal their solutions to issues alongside with plethora of dysfunctional habits picked up from them. If we decide to ignore our unconsciousness and be ashamed of it and to stifle it down - we won't be controlled by our own soul - instead we will allow conformism, group think and herd mentality to mold us into obeying and subservient robot - that is following pattern and matrix. This is incredibly dangerous if the matrix is unhealthy, toxic and tyrannical. The ability to accept ourselves - our masks, flaws, errors, imperfections, alongside with our autonomous system that is producing panic and anxiety - is the healthy way how to handle panic and anxiety. If this autonomous system sees that we are aggreeable with ourselves and that we are tolerant to our autonomous being - we will highly likely protect and defend ourselves, we won't take side with abuser, controller and narcissists in self blame, self hatred and self pathology, that CBT is promoting too. We will feel self validation, self acceptance and psychological security inside us, within us, as a part of intrinsic locus of control - which is top tier ingredient in basic functioning in life. If we are bullied, if we are disrespected- with self worth inside us we won't normalize the abuse, we won't explain it away, we won't relax it, we won't crap fit into abuse - and that will calm down hysteria, panic and anxiety: ability to rely on ourselves and to protect ourselves. Inability to rely on ourselves that we will protect ourselves is causing hysteria, fears, anxiety and panic. CBT's advice to engage in endless conflicts with toxic people and narcissists is crap fitting, it will cause anxiety and panic. Ability to cut off toxic people will calm anxiety.
The basic issue and detrimental side of trauma, social anxiety and conditioning of the same is treating all people as healthy, good and nice - not being able to discern toxic people out. Where toxic people will manipulate and exploit to get the best juice in their parasiting process. Inability to cut off toxic people is the detrimental side of fears, panic, social anxiety, trauma and conditioning. Inability to treat toxic people in natural way - with unkindness that they deserve, with aggression and natural reaction to someone who is criminally insane and evil.
jo, TWITTER:
Normalize exposing predators and abusers.
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
"This is not my expertise" is not an admission of incompetence. It's an expression of self-awareness.
The antidote to arrogance is not lowering your confidence. It's raising your humility.
You don't have to deny your strengths. You just have to recognize your weaknesses.
Rod Fage, TWITTER:
As a consultant for the last 20 years I have learned that transparency and trust are key to success. I have told many a client "That is not in my wheel house but I might know someone who can help. "
Viktor Frankl | Man's Search for Meaning 📖, TWITTER:
The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
I will not and cannot believe that evil is the normal condition of mankind.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When we grew up in an environment where bad feelings weren't acknowledged until they exploded, you bet we're gonna have an ambivalent relationship with our own feelings.
Emotional avoidance doesn't come out of nowhere. Our nervous system has a LONG memory.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Serial bullies are one of the most dangerous types of perpetrators out there. This bully must always have someone to prey on. They often display traits similar to a psychopath.
LiteraryVienna, TWITTER:
„Anything can happen in life, especially nothing.“
Michel Houellebecq
Susan David, Ph.D., TWITTER:
Emotional health is fundamentally interconnected with the courage of gentle acceptance.
Susan David, Ph.D., TWITTER:
Own your emotions by labeling them accurately.
Lana Horowitz, TWITTER:
Empaths can be so empathetic that they may feel bad for doing what's best for them, in fear that it may harm someone in the process, even if it's their abuser
This must be acknowledged & addressed or it can lead to self destruction & continued abuse by the narcissist
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
When you take on the burden that is a narcissist, you're not taking on an equal; you're taking on a parasitic entity. They don't desire a state of symbiosis; they desire to be "kept". Your subservience grants them a feeling of control.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
He who angers you controls you.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
A person raised in a dysfunctional home will naturally lack leadership skills.
When this person gets into “high power” positions (like management) it’s not uncommon for them to re-enact the controlling, shaming, fear tactics they grow up with.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
There’s a difference between seeking validation & being romantically interested in someone.
Many people confuse the two.
If you were raised to seek approval & to people please— it’s important to learn the difference.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
This saying is only true if you choose to respond in a way that results in negative consequences. It’s your choice to respond to anger in a healthy or unhealthy way.
Carla Corelli, TWITTER:
You cannot force anyone to open up to you. The only thing you can do is be there for them as they process their pain.
Dr Emma Katz, TWITTER:
You didn't chose an abuser, you chose the nice person they were pretending to be. An abuser targeted you and manipulated and entrapped you.
No survivor choses an abuser, because when they fall in love it is with the abuser's fake personality that they use to entrap.
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
You can reduce your stress by not having a strong opinion about everything.
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
Narcs will interrogate kids to the point of making them angry and then use any "information" they glean from said conversation to fuel accusations.
Utilizing this tactic in lieu of communicating with an adult is clear proof that their ultimate goal is manipulation and not truth
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It's sometimes weirdly helpful to label an intrusive thought, an intrusive thought. "That was an intrusive thought."
It can be a game changer to recognize your "addiction voice" or your "trauma voice" quietly urging you to do stuff that will actually make your life worse.
Josh…, TWITTER:
The less you respond to rude, critical, argumentative, toxic people, the more peaceful your life becomes.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
We humans cannot stand feelings of powerlessness. We need to have influence or we become miserable.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Dual awareness, the backbone of EMDR, is a trauma recovery concept that takes advantage of how good survivors are at dividing consciousness. We can be in the past AND the present; feel awful AND hopeful; be scared AND calm.
Consciously chosen, dual awareness is a game changer.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
I wish someone would’ve told me a long time ago to stop chasing people who have harmed me, attempting to get them to affirm my pain. All that time and energy could have been spent unlocking the hurt parts of me who needed relief from someone honest. I held the keys all along.
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
Straight roads do not make great drivers.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When we grew up feeling the we had to be not-ourselves in order to be accepted or safe, someone telling us to "just be ourselves" now kinda feels like a trap-- and, not for nothing, sometimes we genuinely don't know what it would even MEAN to "just be ourselves."
“A Cult Of One” Healing Narcissistic Abuse, Codependency, CPTSD
RICHARD GRANNON
439K subscribers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQhkbChGimk
as time moves forward, concepts change. This is updated information, solipsticically i imagine you in my headspace. Video from 2014 you said that yesterday.
If God is not at the top of everything, if religion is not at the top of everything, what seems to replace it is us. We put ourselves there. If we don't have belief at the top, we go at the top, deification of humans: apex predators, criminals.
Beyond it what came from childhood is fear of death, total destruction of everything that is. It's very strong primal drives that compel narcissist to reject what therapist tells. Anything you done since baby, in term of neural conditioning how could chatting could penetrate.
What was environment that narcissist trying to survive – objectification, abuse less direct. Direct abuse will probably create borderline disorder, dysregulation, damaged sense of self. Neglect or deificaiton create NPD.
When you are interacting with narcissist, this is a child trapped in pain and in suffering. You might feel sorry for them and think you can rescue them. Don't do that. That feels good There's no salvation. You are not their savior. Leave it.
You got one life, there's not that many good years in it. And this will corrupt the time that you do have if you stay.
When you are finished with them hook don't leave you. It is very hard to get that stuff out.
Narcissist have to hurt people to feel ok. They can't help it. Don't feel sorry for them. That is machine, that is virus, that is program that is running. Sympathy isn't going to to shit but bind you to them, waste your time. Your compassion makes them sicker. Your compassion is supply. Taken as weakness and something to be strategized and used against you.
CPTSD are little bit of pieces of trauma inside of us, they generate very primal responses because you see this as existential threat, experience this as something that could cease your existence. Freezing, keep still.
Body will tell you don't move. Because you don't have software for it, there is no reason to be trained in it. There's no software for it. Your body goes – this is new experience, it's threatening, keep still. This related to narcissistic abuse.
Narcissists are impressionable, juvenile, they absorb personalities from films they've seen. They absorb music they listening as the mode of life. That is character to sell to people, why would you think that is mode of living?
Somebody is going to be in charge. Somebody will determine they way our lives are lived and it it's not us, it's probably going to be criminal psychopaths. It's going to be advertiser, politician, some corporate lunatic.
Apply as much humility, don't be defiant, don't say this didn't hurt or I showed him. It doesn't work like that. Accept I lost, this hurt, you were duped, ripped off, admit that, you are not engaging in narcissistic defiance. That is narcissist in you – side of you being inflamed and provoked. If that continues to live on you really can't recover. You can't recover unless you take humility.
Codependency is inverse of narcissist. Narcissist is yang, want to be special. Echo part of story is nimph. The punishment was you will never speak again except being able to speak last 3 words somebody else have said. That's echo punishment. Toxically yin – walkover, no voice of own, can only repeat, just an echo what other people have said. She mistakes it as a sign of love. She mistakes what narcissist is doing as sign of love. It's miscommunication between echo and narcissist.
We are in cultural place to let them do what they do.
The desire to fight back, to resist oppression and evil is good. If it's delusional it's problematic if it is thoughtless, no consciousness there, saying no to everything. If you defying evil, morally that is good, resisting evil.
Demanding rigid narcissistic parents who really didnt want you as child. They wanted a thing that benefits them. When child comes along, children are complicated, they have many needs, contradictory they are hard work. Some parents can offer those needs, child is aware that they are not wanted and loved. They are not given to thrive and flourish. If parents loved you in dismissive way, resentful love, give you bits when they had time for your nonsense, then that is how you love yourself – i am annoying, i am not welcomed. These are beliefs codependents walk around with, they have to be something else.
That is neglecting parenting.
True echo codependent self-eradicates. They castrate themselves, because expression who i am were punished. Then i mutilate myself i cease to be. When they are punished they seek not to be seen. Seek to hide, they go inward. When you interact with codependent you are interacting with a false self just like narcissist false self. Predator keeps coming in, they cannot escape the torture so they eradicate themselves. We all have to live in the light, we all have to be visible otherwise you are not living. You have to show up, you have to be visible. That requires courage and vulnerability.
How do I get somebody who's eradicated themselves to go outside if there is no Self to go outside with. It is like magical mystical process, to re-summon the Self.
Bad object, good object, it splits them.
There's more emotional dysregulation than you guys are aware of. Because it is normalized for you, you don't realize the amount of anxiety, and commensurate dissociation and depression that you're feeling is dysregulation.
Your whole view of reality changes with cicling. Your beliefs will change. It is hard for dysregulation to have fixed set of values.
I don't think any of you would get into an abusive relationship if your perceptions were not warped. And if you were in abusive relationship if your perceptions were not warped you would see it and walk away.
Was he really abusive when he said that, you dont really know. Well he had abandonment issues. And then you become your partner's psychologist and start making up reasons for why they're doing what they're doing.
You must emotionally re-regulate. So you feel safe. You have to feel safe inside your own body so to feel safe in the world. Right now you don't. You're cycling through too many emotions. Get in touch with your emotions.
They are not going to drown you, they're not going to destroy you, they're just messengers. And if you take messengers , the messages that they give you and listen to them – assume positive intent, don't cut it off. If you do cut off, you'll make yourself very sick, you become emotionally illiterate and then you're vulnerable to narcissistic abuse. Because if I do something shitty to you, you should feel bad and feel angry, and then say hey, I'm not putting up with that. But you don't. I do something shitty to you and you freeze, you re-establish what it meant and you tell yourself a new story so you feel okay about it. That's emotional illiteracy. There is colonized consciousness, messages you are giving yourself are not good messages.
Rewrite your moral code. This culture wants you amoral since amoral people consume more, they buy more. So that you have strong sense of what is right and what is wrong. Clarify your moral philosophy to say no.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Complex trauma can be trickier to resolve than traditional PTSD.
It often involves relational/betrayal pain that's too involved for prolonged exposure, & requires more than "processing" of memories-- including reconstructing our beliefs & identity from the ground up.
Susan David, Ph.D., TWITTER:
A difficult emotion does not always indicate that something is wrong.
In fact, it’s often a signal that we’re on the right track.
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
Don’t let us forget that the causes of human actions are usually immeasurably more complex and varied than our subsequent explanations of them.
Godis Oyá ☥, TWITTER:
Prepare to be treated differently once you begin to express and reinforce your personal, emotional, and energetic boundaries. Stand firm. It serves you nothing to appease and lower confines for anyone’s ego or satisfaction.
VV, TWITTER:
“Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.” — Charles Addams
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
For each weakness, there is a corresponding strength.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Your flaws are perfect for the heart that is meant to love you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Stop expecting loyalty from people who can't even be honest with you.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
Someone hurting your feelings is not the same thing as someone being disrespectful. It’s not disrespect just because your feelings are hurt.
Believing that something “is” a certain way because of “how you feel” is called emotional reasoning.
Allow yourself to have evidence for your thoughts, rather than only requiring your emotions to be the sole evidence for your judgement.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Healthy relationships are created, not found
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Choose people that choose you. The end
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
One day you will finally understand why your timing was perfect and why things had to happen the way they did. To protect you, to guide you and to redirect you to where you were always meant to be. Trust the process of your evolution – it's all divine timing.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Normalize: I regret what I said when my nervous system was dysregulated.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Psychological invalidation is one of the most lethal forms of emotional abuse. It kills confidence, creativity, sense of self, self esteem and Individuality. It also helps the perpetrator escape accountability for how they have treated you. "Validation holds them accountable."
This is how Predators escape accountability'for YOUR response to their crimes or behaviors.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
Do not accept advice on how you are meant to heal by those who have harmed you.
Viktor Frankl | Man's Search for Meaning 📖, TWITTER:
An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Ever notice how people who don't tolerate lies, disrespect, or deceit are always labeled difficult, unstable, crazy or bitter?
Arthur Schopenhauer, TWITTER:
“The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.”
Viktor Frankl | Man's Search for Meaning 📖, TWITTER:
Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Empathy plays an enormous role in learning and knowledge.
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
There are things which a man is afraid to tell even to himself, and every decent man has a number of such things stored away in his mind.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic individuals will mock and ridicule your standards and rights..
Sincere and mature individuals will respect and honor them.
Know the difference, because it matters...
This is how you know you're around the WRONG people....
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
We don't walk away to teach people a lesson...
We walk away because we finally learned ours. 💥
Leo Tolstoy | Novelist ✍️, TWITTER:
People often think that they believe in the law of God, but they just believe what everyone else does. No one believes in the law of God; for them, the law of God is that which suits their life and doesn’t interfere in their business.
Leonardo Da Vinci, TWITTER:
“A painter should begin every canvas with a wash of black, because all things in nature are dark except where exposed by the light.”
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Covert Criminal Harassment:
Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, constant monitoring or excessive 3rd party harassment, humiliation, intimidation, isolation and invasion of privacy. These tactics are used to silence you. Keep Documentation.
Gaslighting Effect, TWITTER:
The truth will always be a foreign concept to those who live a lie
Philosophy Flows 💭, TWITTER:
Toxic people only change their victims, never themselves. Remember that.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Complex trauma survivors will often bend over BACKWARDS to avoid conflict. We've had enough conflict to last a lifetime. It triggers all sorts of abandonment fears & threat cues in us.
Thing is-- it's really hard to set & enforce boundaries when you're really conflict averse.
Philosophy Flows 💭, TWITTER:
Learn to heal without having to vent to everyone
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Focus on your happiness! 😁
Lana Horowitz, TWITTER:
No matter how pleasant a toxic person may behave for a short period of time... they will always return to their baseline abusive behaviors.
~BackBonePower~
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
There's the trauma reaction-- fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flop-- then there's the REACTION to the reaction.
I just watched someone "fight" in the moment-- & then spend days "fawning" to try to make it all better.
Trauma reactions have layers & levels. If you know, you know.
S, TWITTER:
Beware-
Abusers know how to trigger you into panic.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
Whatever is rejected from the self, appears in the world as an event.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You're are to upset a lot of people when you start doing what's best for you.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
I love people who are highly aware of their worth but highly humble too and never look down on anybody.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being.
(11.10.2022)
I have noticed that with social anxiety, trauma and panic symptoms - I fawn and people please in different ways when I feel happy than when I feel intimidated. In both cases there is fawning - however in happy state I do not feel taken advantage of, fawning appears without pain or embarrassment. In panic state I am aware that fawning is painful and that self censorship is hurting and adding up to me not feeling secure in myself to protect myself from evil people - which adds up to already present social anxiety and panic.
Healthy people in calm state attract positive energy and make correct decisions due to fill operational cortex. On the other hand, survivors of abuse even in supposed "calm" state are still in survivor mode with amygdala hijacking making quick decisions and oversimplifications, along with usual safety mechanisms and trauma response such as fawning still make terrible and wrong decisions in life, mostly based on what other people would think, expect or desire - all stemming from urge to evade punishment, pain, attack and potential aggression.
NLP claims that when we put judgements we are destroying our common sense and that it true, however it also applies to our own judgements about ourselves or flaws and errors which we make but others do it too. It also applies to general issues which are outside of our control - we automatically put judgements on what is suppose to be normal, accepted by the crowds, approved by herd mentality - and this is done immediately. This creates automatic toxic shame and guilt among many everydays things and we program and hypnotise ourselves into submission and fawning to social norms. Problem starts when with trauma we expand this judgement and blaming and cursing and rejecting onto things and stuff and people who are not dangerous, who are not evil, who are not bad in any moral sense - they are simply different than the given norm - and this is done automatically, quickly. With social anxiety we have high moral standards - and they, these high normal codes, desire to be good and normal and to obey authority creates loophole and weak spot which toxic people will exploit, alongside with toxic shame internalized inside - foreign, external virus that stems from toxic people, parasites, predators, psychopaths. This way with social anxiety we become hand puppet and our moral codes, moral standards, ethics and sense of what appears as good, nice, kind, healthy - becomes a weapon against us, a tool to pull our strings in accordance of toxic shame and toxic people - someone externally controls us - and we feel this control as social anxiety. That we are out of control even though logically - we are doing everything by the book- by following our high moral standards and codes which are actually not realistic and are based on programming, conditioning and hypnosis stemming from mentally ill aggressive predators and psychopaths in our toxic ambient.
That is why judgement, prejudgement is bad - it is a sign that we are nitpicking our moral code and someone is controlling us. As soon as I put label on something - it is highly likely that if this label is bad, negative and wrong - that it is product of manipulation and control.
Virus would not be virus if this process is not sugar coated and enforced by our high moral standards - where we become zombie in the military service of narcissists or Machiavellians or psychopath. And in the same time - if we become aware of this control and manipulation - we are doomed to let psychopaths in - since we will not be able to label evil people as evil - since now we know that judging anyone negatively is actually sick and manipulative. That is the test - that we do not become narcissist ourselves.
Only love can resolve this virus and manipulation, control and narcissism - where we are humble, where we are aware that we can't know everything, and that we might be wrong (Descartes doubt) and that we rely on court, judge and through laboratory research about any issue - which in real life is impossible due to urgency in coming up with decisions immediately.
The solution is in quick cutting toxic people and in being gentle and nice to everyone, where our empathy and people pleasing and fawning is put in good use, our natural response, our safety mechanism which we know all along. The only difference is now in allowing natural reaction - which may be new and totally opposite from our usual high normal standards - and including cutting people off - not as a way to degrade them or hate them - the door slam is done with love.
I would say that we need to lower our general criticism, labels and negativity - not in OCD way to watch out for it, but simply be aware that nagging, complaining is like rank, stink, unpleasant smell - sometimes it is part of life, it is part of action, it is part of something good on larger scale - but we ought to know how to put it inside borders as much possible, not as a way to over-clean ourselves but to make life easier and more comfortable to live in. Anyone with trauma will easily pick up any sign of criticism, even when it is not directed to them and it will pull their triggers and flashbacks. In social contact, as part of social skills - there is a skill to not be unpleasant person. With narcissistic abuse, when we are inside toxic ambient - narcissistic traits are contagious. I would be careful about not catching the disease and have immunity that it does not stick onto us. Glasser communication habits are great instruction - where nagging and complaining are part of controlling habit.
When I nag, complain, when I have prejudgements - it is trial to assert control in passive aggressive way, it is dysfunctional, it will not work, I will not be in control and I will set myself to be passive and annoying to others and to myself.
Narcissists do not care what other people think, they do not care if their naggings and complaining hurt others, they only care to feel entitled to do whatever it pleases them. I see nagging and complainings as red flag - if someone is constantly in such mode of communication. I would not rationalize it, I would not normalize it, and I would not stick around it. It is sick, it is sickness. And it is a choice.
With people pleasing and trauma it is a hook. Someone's complaint it a siren and alarm that signals us to fix other person and to join into their hysteria. Nagging and complaining is hysteria, it is part of Charcot hysteria. To ignorant and traumatized it feels like cry for help or overcompensation or something fun and that it feels good. I would hold accountable someone who is constantly criticizing and nagging instead of joining in.
For traumatized, someone's nagging and complaining is something that sticks and something that is unable to let it go. It is related to criticism, where inability to handle criticism is at the heart of social anxiety, hysteria, trauma, abuse, any mental instability. That is why this soft, innocuous parts of criticism in form of nagging, complaining, gossip - is actually part of illness. It feels and it looks like an important matter, something to focus on, to heal, to fix, to ponder about - it is because it is part of abuse hovering above it: constant and relentless criticism inside narcissistic abuse which caused hysteria and trauma in the first place.
In social anxiety I see this inability to differentiate what is acceptable to say, to comment that it does not come off as criticism. It is easy due to double binding to label anything as nagging and complaining - and I see in social anxiety we were programmed to label anything as nagging and complaining - so we shut up. With violence, abuse, bullying, mobbing - we are afraid of punishment - yelling and screaming when we want something, when we state and assert anything - there will always be a narcissists out there who will label our actions and words as not acceptable - and this program is inside our brain, replaying like triggers, flashbacks, inner critic, toxic shame - and this stops us in taking actions, talking and doing anything, mostly through self censorship. And we are not aware of this, why we shut up and quit going out and avoid people. This belief of being bad, labeled as annoying, prevents us from engaging in social contact of any kind.
I would focus on why we are feeling being bad and labeled as wrong by default and challenge it.
See what will happen if I do speak up and go out. Mostly, there will be toxic people with criticism and complaints - which we will try to fix and fawn over due to trauma response. So the next issue is trauma response. If I resolve toxic shaming by being active and talking and expressing myself - there is next manifold issue - how to deal and handle difficult people. Therefore CBT advice to expose will not work, it can't. Problem is not avoidance itself - the problem is deeper: general experience and deep core belief that other people are unsafe and cannot be trusted and that life is dangerous and that taking any action is painful and full of harm and danger.
Therefore instead of mere exposure - crucial target is knowing how to retort, how to recognize red flags, how to handle difficult toxic people and how to deal with them when we cannot cut them off. In situation when we depend on toxic people for certain resource such as information, help, service, finances or shelter - we need to find functional way how to defend ourselves without being defendant, how to express ourselves without being narcissist and abusive, how to be cooperative with someone who is not willing to be cooperative.
I see solution in leaving, cutting contact whenever that is possible at any given moment. Our challenge is trauma bonding, our toxic shame will tell us that we are inept to handle life on our own, that we are stupid, weird, unacceptable and undeserving to exist. So this is another crucial concept in social anxiety manifold: deep core toxic shame internalized due to exposure to psychological abuse.
In short - to deal with abuse which is causing anxiety (therefore it is not about dealing with social anxiety per se) - I need to be active, I need to express myself and retort to toxic people and cut contact whenever I have chance to leave in safe way without jeopardizing basic Maslow needs such as shelter - and that I heal toxic shame with self validation - which toxic people will label as me being arrogant and projecting their own flaws - illness on others.
Socially anxious ones with toxic shame will avoid confrontations so even exposure will not help. Without expression one opinion - which means confrontation, conflict and true exposure (as oppose to CBT which defines exposure as action and exposing to toxic people). If we are able as socially anxious to express our opinion - we will see that we can learn to cut toxic people and not engage in further unproductive conversation. With narcissists - they do not cut off- They keep abuse ongoing since other people are their narcissistic supply. In this case socially anxious ones without education about trauma, fawning will fawn to abusers and loud obnoxious people, stay silent and engage in trauma, keep trauma and hold trauma inside by decision to self-censor, shut up and stay in abusive contact with toxic people.
This freezing even though it is done in exposure - will not help. That is why CBT is not working. Exposing does not help.
Cutting toxic people and expressing our opinion freely helps. That is the key - not mere exposure. With knowledge that I will defend myself and express myself - I will have energy and mental capacity to expose take action without fawning and trauma responses and usual freeze hysteria habits.
Undefined and unspoken phenomena which happens with HSPs, empaths, socially anxious is when we try to be honest, good, authentic, true - all natural traits we have inside since birth - we are actually duped - since we live in unjust world full of exploitation and secrets. So we learn very early on that speaking out, voicing out our true facts, objective reality - even though when obviously is not damaging nor hurting and it is clearly non violent - this same words are met with extreme violence, rejection, aggression. So we learn to shut up - and that we do not speak up our truth. People who get hurt by our truth and honesty are fake people, aggressive people - who do not posses empathy or ability to place themselves in other people shoes - they are self absorbed - and they use violence, aggression, temper tantrums to use tyranny in order to shut up someone who is exposing their fake mask and reality. And then we end up in the world filled with narcissists and manipulators, sitting in managerial seats and as leaders - without empathy and IQ and without ability to avoid conflicts - yet to create drama and make money on unnecessary explosions and wars - while in the same time we are traumatized, stuck with Charcot hysteria, trying to figure out what is going on, trying not to hurt anyone with our words and being silent enables evil to flourish. We get stuck in confusing what is evil, how to stop this imaginary evil which is basically being conditioned that any word coming from our mouth is evil - and that any action we take is evil - and we try to curb ourselves and be very careful not to hurt the same people who would not care for 2 seconds about another human being yet do horrific crimes and abuse to others without ever thinking with conscience, guilt or shame about it. We stay stuck in fixing and modulating ourselves - without being active and having goals - and we try to crap fit into abuse, try to people please everyone and feel guilt if we door slam someone when we cannot go on anymore with their abuse.
With social anxiety, avoidance, fawning, trauma and people pleasing - when all these are coupled up - we believe that speaking up and expressing own opinion will hurt other people and if we say something that will someone left feel offended and criticize us - that the world will end, that we will make domino effect of leaving world wide catastrophe. Then we shut up and self censor. This needs to be challenged on many levels. It is not only delusion that we can cause world wide destruction about non violent, non judgemental, non criminal words which may be uncomfortable for fake or ignorant people - but also that shutting up will cause world wide destruction - since when good people shut up consistently, then evil flourish.
I see solution for anxiety, panic, fears in being able to trust we are in a safe place and that we are over-flooded with love and safety and security. Which obviously won't work when we are in toxic ambient, whereas intrinsic locus of control tells us by definition to find safety, love and security primarily inside us - not seeking it out in outside world. It is like sauna to body when there is cold outside and when we suffer from cold - being en-wrapped in warmth of sauna helps us to stop shivering in cold.
I understand that our availability heuristics and confirmation bias prevents us from this sauna, it prevents us from learning how to create warmth. This happens because we will deny, reject and focus away from unpleasant things and people and events - which intrinsically are not bad, negative nor toxic.
For example - if I do not like drama or even comedy with realistic elements - I will never watch comedy movie called Stir crazy where I could see Stanford Prison Experiment being portrayed from the comedy, trickster aspect - so I will not expose myself to new ideas, I will not see the alternatives that I may take in situations when there is narcissistic abuse or any kind of abuse. Instead I stay with my own learned safety mechanisms - usually freezing as first response - since I have neither education nor I was exposed to different ways how to react to abuse.
What is crucial here is my own definition about what is negative and toxic - and me sheltering myself in over-protective ways, and thus cutting myself off from learning and educating myself. When I find myself in difficult situations - I do not know, how could I know - what to do, how to act, what to say. How could I learn about retort in bully situation if I follow my definition which is distorted.
I see the way how to be open - is to lessen ego-centrism. We have to be by default open to new experiences, experiment and try out everything - and to know that sometimes my own definitions are wrong and that I allow myself to doubt my rigid definitions, conclusions, explanations - and challenge them.
That is the point - if we are totally good and totally without evil - we will become evil ourselves. Rigidness creates disorder, being totally good will create disorder, it will create evil. That is how it works in this reality - it is counterintuitive, it is not what we are being taught, nobody speaks about it - yet it is true. Adding up something will create problems for the space it takes - expansion into something forces other elements out. Evil must be there for the balance. Evil is part of the system.
My urge to remove bad things, panic, anxiety, toxic people - it will take toll on my mental process, finances, sense of safety, sense of feeling secure, sense of happiness and it will destroy calmness. From my perspective it may seem as if I am doing a good thing if I avoid all people and hide away from everyone - by doing this "positive" thing of not engaging in evil world - I am not being social and I cut other people off from my opinion, my words, my boundaries - and this way I enable evil - by doing nothing and being away and hidden away from life.
Also without evil I still have hysteria, I will develop panic because of expectation of evil even in safe situations, I won't move and I do not meet others who are normal and healthy. In the same time I will self-absorb - I will focus on myself without helping others who are attacked by evil. I will not learn how to handle difficult people and this way I will prime myself for obedience in the face of tyranny, becoming easy target to be abused, enslaved and instrumentalized - since I will shut up and trying not to rock the boat by being good and nice and obedient and peaceful and nice one.
Also without learning how evil functions, I will not be able to detect lies and grooming tactics, and "good" people who act "nice" will feel wonderful for me - and this is what happens in social anxiety, codependency - where we trauma split the world into what is absolute good and absolute bad. This way, covert narcissists, psychopaths, Machiavellians - all they need to do is act, play character - and I will trust them and engage in contact and realize I was duped when it is too late. Evil people will appear as light - just because they mirror my words and opinions - and I will not be aware that I am being tricked and that this person wears a mask. Since I have no experience nor knowledge what is evil and how evil looks like and how evil operates.
Being good, trying to be positive, pushing uncomfortable emotions away creates trauma splitting - polarization, black and white thinking.
The solution is neither to expose and interacting with the evil as CBT suggests. Exposure will not work - I will rely on my trauma response and hide away and re-traumatize myself if I expose with unprocessed trauma in toxic ambient and around toxic people. The point is to educate myself - that I know this process of trauma splitting, that I know covert narcissists - how they operate and to know and educate myself about mirroring and grooming cycle of abuse.
Then I can block, ignore and avoid toxic people - when I am educated. The difference is that I am not running away from them, I am not creating trauma, I am not telling my brain that I am helpless and that I cut toxic people because I am inept or unable to handle difficult people which will only endorse toxic shame. The point is that I am secure at knowing that I can take care of myself and educate others how to handle difficult people. The result is the same as when I am not educated. However there is difference when I tell my brain that I avoid people because this particular person is toxic and seriously sick - as oppose telling my brain that all people are superior and I must avoid everyone since I am not able to tolerate life.
Then there is a difference between socially anxious and narcissists who are covering their disorder by mimicking social anxiety:
Socially anxious person will neglect oneself and always will ignore one's own achievements in life. On the other hand, covert narcissists who is mimicking social anxiety will boast without any problem - they won't stifle it down, they won't forget to mention anything good that they did, however small or big it might be and they won't minimize it. Obviously this is because they replay it in their mind to boost their ego - whereas truly socially anxious ones will replay in their head abuse, potential attack and ways how to evade imminent hurt and pain from bullies, to keep safe and to run on time.
Socially anxious ones will freeze. There is Charcot hysteria of not moving. Covert narcissists who mimic social anxiety do not have problem with talking - they will have power to speak out and talk - because they do not really have social anxiety.
Truly socially anxious ones with Charcot hysteria will be hypnotized into freeze response. That way there will be inability expressed as:
not to be able to see narcissist, narcissistic abuse
not be able to see toxic people, toxic ambient
not to see hysteria itself (spasms, mutism, panic)
not to see dysregulation and label it as such
not be able to get unstuck nor to shift focus.
Additionally there is huge giveaway how to recognize and discern truly socially anxious one apart from covert narcissist who is play-pretending, make belive to have social anxiety:
Social anxious one due to freeze response (Charcot hysteria) will not be able to speak out, voice out the elephant in the room. This is due to trauma and fear from punishment if there is self expression - which was punished in the formative years. Socially anxious one will not be able to say the exact problem, what is obviously wrong - in order not to harm or hurt the person - and mostly not to trigger their temper tantrum.
I see this chunk of block as the crucial entity which needs to be healed and processed and that socially anxious people start to self express themselves to voice out the elephant in the room: something that is obvious to them, something that holds abusive person accountable and responsible for their abuse and unfair treatment.
In childhood we were punished and attacked - in our natural ability to see what is wrong. We learned to mute and to self censor ourselves.
Without this ability to speak out what is problem - we are not putting boundaries, we allow bullies to cross our boundaries, we allow them to make evil and to do chaos, they end up wealthy and with progress and income and bounty and fame and fortune - while we end up scared, alone, duped, in toxic shame, avoidant and traumatized. That is social anxiety - being tricked and duped by bullies into subservience and avoidance. We have natural ability to detect bullies and their wrongdoings. Social anxiety is panic and Charcot hysteria and freezing - inability to speak up the truth, objective facts that are obvious yet unspoken. That inability to speak out the truth is causing us trauma, social anxiety, freezing, toxic shame and all problems associated with social anxiety - which is actually Complex Trauma.
CBT will tells us that our problem is ourselves, that we must nitpick cognitive distortions - and spend money, time and peace and piece of mind on hypervigilance and creating more anxiety and basic insecurity in ourselves - while in reality the only problem is not being able to express ourselves - self expression is the only cure for social anxiety - not fixing our thoughts through self-pathology.
When we do not self express - we are like trapped below the ice - and we are unable to break to the surface. Trauma of being ashamed, punished and hurt keeps us in fear, frozen, in Charcot hysteria. We have both intelligence and empathy - which allows us to have third eye - to detect fake people, to detect their wrongdoings - and inability to yell and warn others, inability to alert and stop the criminals is trauma, Charcot hysteria - and we will be only healed when we self express and speak it out.
The official self-expression definition is:
"the expression of one's feelings, thoughts, or ideas, especially in writing, art, music, or dance.
"they create art primarily for their own enjoyment and self-expression" "
Anything we do in the path of self-expression is healthy. Narcissists, toxic people, criminals will criticize us - in order to keep us sick and trapped in fear - they will say things to hook us into their lies and to freeze us - since they dislike being uncovered and unmasked. Anything that keeps us away from self-expression is toxic, unhealthy and sick and dangerous. With social anxiety, with trauma, with programming and conditioning - we believe lies of abusers - we believe in their threats and their ashaming us. We believe that we are inept and stupid and embarrassed and that we need to be embarrassed, ashamed and guilty -- and thus stuck in social anxiety, toxic shame and avoidance, with silence and self-censorship.
There is difference between choosing to not have any kind of contact with toxic person - than choosing to direct our life in other direction. With trauma we equate cutting toxic people with being coward and that way we stay stuck inside Karpman Drama Triangle - because we believe in lies of mentally ill people and their definitions, explanations and orders. Our locus of control is inside them, we see them as fair and good - where being good can be evil.
That is problem with good - good can be evil.
We are not aware of this fact with trauma and conditioning and being inside toxic ambient. Good can be evil. Evil can appear good. Something good can only be a good mask for evil to hide behind.
If we have social anxiety - if we have fears and panic - it is a sign that we are in toxic ambient and it is a sign that we have inability to detect something as toxic because if appears as good to us: as beauty, as help, as service, as friend, as something that we cannot do without. We need to question their authority over us. That is social anxiety telling us, it is the message. With toxic people in our lives they will inflict Charcot hysteria on us, we will freeze and avoid - since we are unable to make ourselves secure in real world.
The point of questioning the authority (or whatever appears to us as saviour and help and only service in the world without we apparently cannot survive) is to get us unstuck. That we un-freeze. That we start talking and voicing out what is obviously truth but nobody speaks it out. And yes - this will make narcissists blow into abuse, aggression and temper tantrums, causing hurt and pain to others - which will only hurt us if we believe in this people to be saviour and good. With social anxiety we believe that abusers are good and this prevents us from taking any action. When someone shows their temper tantrums - it will be obvious to others that this person is mentally ill - it will uncover their mask and it will cause others to question their hypnosis too. With time this crack in mirror will shatter their illusions - anyone who is supporting abusive person - the source of our social anxiety.
It is about changing the perception of social anxiety.
We do not perceive it as deep personal flaw and character disability - as CBT explains it -
that social anxiety in reality is ability to easily detect fake people who present themselves as someone good, helpful and leader. Such fake people are doing criminal acts, they are in reality criminals, psychopaths - and voicing out their wrongdoings is actually holding them responsibility for their crimes and holding them accountable.
I see this process of voicing out their criminal acts - to be done with the help of Jung's Trickster - and that means being ourselves - voicing out the exact things we feel blocked to speak up. Without explosions, without drama, without blaming, without hurting, without destruction, without avoidance, without subservience.
Also, when we get unstuck by realizing that social anxiety means we are being hypnotized to believe something is good while in reality it is evil and dangerous and damaging - that we cut them off - without running away scared. Our brain will tell the difference now - instead of creating the message that we are inept - now when we leave and avoid toxic people - the brain will interpret this avoidance as healthy act - and brain will not prevent us from general avoidance and avoiding all people as a way to protect us. Brain will not en-trust us to take actions and to be confident and to not be afraid of people any more - since now brain will know it can en-trust us to be captain of our own ship.
I trust our social anxiety is unconsciousness attempt to protect us from hidden abuse, from covert narcissists - since we were programmed and hypnotized in formative years to believe everyone and to be open to anyone - so our logic is deformed by psychological attack and hypnosis to believe in nothing else but good and that all people wish good to us. In real life - there are manipulators who use different schemes to manipulate their targets - such as grooming and mirroring. So our logic - our conditioned and farmed mindset is unable to logically see and perceive manipulative dangerous controlling people- and unconsciousness steps in and tries to fill in the blank space of protection - by avoidance and feeling hysteria in social settings. Because our logic mind will not be aware, our logic mind will not step in and calculate that someone is lying - our fears and panic will warn us that there is someone toxic out there.
As unconsciousness does not have power of logic - to calculate and see details - this attempt to have in mind the basic fact of life - that not all people who appear good are really good - the fears and general panic will be the only protection we have.
Therefore, the solution and resolution to social anxiety is to have logical understanding that there are evil and bad and toxic and dangerous and really sick psychopaths out there - who will appear and act as friend, service and authority to us. We need to allow ourselves to doubt them and to really understand covert evil - and allow ourselves to avoid, cut contact and self express all the time.
With social anxiety we freeze, we stay in toxic contact and we self-censor. When we do this, social anxiety will stay with us as unknown, mysterious entity - not as enemy, not as distortion, not as something evil as CBT explains it - it is as service and help from the above - it is also sign that God exists and that we can make contact with different dimensions than our own logic or toxic people around us.
Healing social anxiety means that social anxiety will spring every single time when:
1) there is toxic person in our midst
and
2) our conditioned logic will blind us to see reality and
3) we will believe that this toxic evil sociopath is our friend, help or authority to look up to and listen without criticism.
Then we can start to discern what is social anxiety and what is trauma and conditioned lies.
With CBT we over-generalize all feelings and all thoughts as distortion. The distortion is when we believe that we must be good and nice to everyone and that toxic people do not exist. That is distortion - and CBT is promoting this lie - CBT explains that there are no toxic people out there. That we have to have empathy and sympathy to wounded people and shut up and not bother them and fawn to them.
Whenever we feel social anxiety - instead of feeling toxic shame and engaging in civil war with our thoughts (as CBT explains cognitive distortions as cause of anxiety) - we will transform our anxiety into something good and positive, as alarm from the unknown alien origin - that is calling us to pay attention: that evil people hide behind good, that we are in contact with such fake person and that we detect and label such person as evil. With conditioning in narcissistic abuse we were primed to be good and nice at the expense of our own time, energy and focus. We were trained to equate someone's rude behaviour or good behaviour as something to trigger us into believing such people, to be afraid of them and to serve them automatically without thinking, without seeing what this person is doing and what is their hidden goal and manipulation. We simply jump in to be good to someone who appears good. We deny reality that this person may be dangerous, mentally ill, psychopath with hidden manipulation.
When we trust our anxiety as ally to believe - we will not be afraid to self-express ourselves. Truth, objective facts, honesty, authenticity - these are all triggers for narcissists to feel narcissistic injury. From conditioning we believe their temper tantrums are something to fawn over and help and fix - as CBT also instructs us- that we engage in endless conversation with them by CBT's fruitless assertiveness idea - which actually only adds oil to the fire, since narcissists love drama and gaslighting and throwing lies and fantasy facts to obsefucate reality and objective facts - holding them accountable and responsible for their manipulation and control tactics.
With trauma and abuse we were conditioned to equate shutting up with empathy and that if we say reality and true facts that we are evil. We equate our silence as service to others, as something positive, as something that will help others. In reality - shutting up to abuse is enabling abuse - it spreads abuse and silencing our truth will be domino effect for further abuse.
I see the greatest blockage and immobility and hysteria of freezing as being caused by deep core virus code program: that abusive scary person is good. This good label gives abusers abolition and protection to do whatever they want - our mind stops any voice or speaking up because we automatically label abusive person as good in our mind - this happens immediately, automatically.
Now I can deliberately break this hysteria and programming - by noting that person who is abusive, controlling, rude - is not good. In the same way - someone who is mirroring my likes, someone who is grooming me and showering me with attention and love and focus - is not good. That is not good, that is not realistic. It seems to me like it is good and real because I lack those due to abuse and fears and avoidance, so thirst is the way how manipulative people can control thirsty people. Since I never learned the concept of intrinsic locus of control, to fetch my own water - I depend on other people to sell me water and then worship them as saviours.
The validation and invalidation is mixed up here. Instead of validating our self, we invalidate our instincts and feelings - while in the same time doing everytiing in line, aligned by validating covert toxic people who are invalidating us, where these covert abusers appear as help that we must validate in order to feel good about ourselves, to validate our self through them, their approval.
When you are being vocal - you set boundaries just by being vocal. You do not need to yell, scream, to assert, to plan, to calculate, to make explosions or cause any degree or type of drama - you simply are vocal. You speak up. This is what "normal" kids learned in their formative years - and that is the reason why they grew up without developing trauma or social anxiety. They were encouraged to speak up and to speak. Narcissists have no problem with talking - that is another clue how to discern truly socially anxious person from narcissist. This is why CBT is moduled and based on narcissists who were mimicking social anxiety - CBT knows that interdependence is highest form of human relationships - and CBT sees that narcissists who are very vocal yet they came to therapy or at tests about social anxiety with mimicking social anxiety - CBT sees that such "socially anxious" people are vocal - and medical community concluded that speakin up is not problem at all for socially anxious - and that exposure will not be problem - since talking and speaking up resolves all the issues and trauma and blockages that truly socially anxious one are suffering from. That is why exposure does not work for socially anxious - and why exposure leaves us with people pleasing and fawning - covered social anxiety. Narcissists are pleased - since they are instructed to go out and manipulate and control other people and get their narcissistic supply - they find exposure as natural step. Also CBT gives them another narcissistic tool - to be assertive - which narcissists modulate and transform into grooming, mirroring, manipulation and lies, being pathological liars it is not difficult to turn assertiveness into long discussions to brainwash their targets into subservience and narcissistic supply pool.
Instead of exposure and assertiveness - there is avoidance of toxic people and cutting contact with toxic people. Assertiveness in CBT is not self expression - it is explained as staying inside Karpman Drama Triangle.
I therefore do not see issue with cognitive distortions in social anxiety, neither it is necessarily primary concern about self worth - as it is complex distortion in moral ethics division between what is good or wrong and applying definition of what is good in freeze moments of trauma triggers. Then when we freeze - socially anxious reaction is to label the source of fear as "good" and superior, god, something that is not available to be criticized, doubted or allowed to seen wrong in any light - due to conditioning of punishment during formative years. We were conditioned to apply high moral standards to evil, aggressive people, define them as good and turn to self blame, fawning and confusion and immobility as the only way how to handle trauma triggers.
With such programming, later in life it is like invinting toxic people in and governing my decisions.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Survivors will not stay silent so criminals feel comfortable.
Nッ, TWITTER:
Do you really think a boy who uses discord is gonna make you happy
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Understand this: The world wants to assign you a role in life. And once you accept that role you are doomed.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
If you must change who you are as a person to fit in... You are in the wrong place.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
It’s a trauma response to hyper focus on what people say or think. At one time, this is how you stayed safe in an unpredictable environment. You learned to notice every shift in mood or behavior because you faced the consequences of those shifts.
Nedra Tawwab, TWITTER:
Triggers reveal what needs healing.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Some people are really so delusional that they think it's disrespectful when you don't just sit back and allow them to continue to disrespect you.
Mathew Chinn, TWITTER:
Co-Dependent Personality Disorder and Narcissism are a match made in hell. Learned helplessness means people don’t realise their true potential, that they actually have far more power than they credit themselves with.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Over explaining is a fear based response to being made to feel guilty about having needs.
jo, TWITTER:
Stop asking people who have been abused to behave the way you think they should.
Gaslighting Effect, TWITTER:
Anyone who exposes what a narcissist has been hiding becomes a huge threat
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Having an emotionally unavailable partner can feel much more lonely than being single.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
There's a difference between talking trash 🗑️ about a person and talking truth about a bully.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
A mistake is an accident. Bullying, stalking and lying are not mistakes, they are intentional choices.
Ryan 🖖 ♻️ 🌊, TWITTER:
When a malignant #narcissist sees a wounded person, ie. symptoms of abuse, someone who has PTSD, etc., they don't see a reason to be sensitive or compassionate, they see an opportunity to dominate and prosecute. Their instinctive mob mentality gets fired up.
Dalai Lama, TWITTER:
We are all here on this planet, as tourists, as it were. None of us can live here forever. The longest we might live is a hundred years. So while we are here we should try to have a good heart and to make something positive and useful of our lives.
melted shine, TWITTER:
Freedom of speech is not freedom to abuse.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Anyone who sides with a workplace bully and fails to step in and put a stop to the bullying is an enabler and a bully also. Such cruelty stems from weak character and that's why good employees with moral integrity are targeted the most.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
Many of us become over explainers because we’ve grown up attempting to be heard by people who intentionally want us to feel misunderstood. Our growth is recognizing we are not responsible to explain better, but to protect ourselves among those exploiting our vulnerability.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
A person sees the world according to their emotions & thoughts.
jo, TWITTER:
Abusers will give you the apology of the century and not mean it at all.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Be aware of people who don’t allow you to say no.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When we understand our traumatic experiences & process how they created many of our behaviors—we begin the journey of healing.
When we deny these experiences or are unconscious to them— we are stuck in cycles of our past, blaming ourselves or others.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Having our feelings validated-- being assured they're real & valuable-- is important for us to develop self-esteem that's realistically positive & durable growing up.
Emotional validation's important in recovery because VERY often we've lived in a state of chronic INvalidation.
end_sexual.violence, TWITTER:
Trauma is not something victims talk about for attention
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You are too important to waste your time on what toxic individuals think about you.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
The real flex is distancing yourself from shit that repeatedly triggers your mental health and hurts your heart.
jo, TWITTER:
People deserve to be humanized. But I think there may be some exceptions. The desire to humanize abusers/violent offenders/ people who lack a conscience or empathy is a mistake that can lead to immeasurable harm to so many.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Micromanaging destroys motivation, attitude, moral, and is also a theft of self esteem and confidence. It serves no positive purpose.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
When you are completely out of the relationship with the narcissist, that is when your healing begins.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Being raised by emotionally immature parents sets us up for a lifetime of believing our role is to perform, achieve, or be responsible for other people’s emotions.
Reva Steenbergen, TWITTER:
Empaths are never understood because we lack narcissism, we don't fit in and never will.
The only time we appear to have narcissistic traits is when the anger/trauma from being violated is seen because it has been triggered by a narcissist (emotional reaction)
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You will always be the ”crazy” …. And they will always be a pathological liars.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Learn to be done with people. Not mad, upset or bothered... Just Done...
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Never underestimate the power of your intuition. You can recognize their game before it's even played.
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
Who you marry, where you live, and who you work with, are some of the most important decisions in your life.
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
The coolest people I know are kind, humble, unselfish, honest and self-aware.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We focused solely on productivity and achievement— the result is a generation of adults in emotional crisis.
(15.10.2022)
Any action is narcissistic. It will be labeled as evil and bad by someone. Any kind of action, someone will be bothered by our acitons, by us, whatever we do - it can be the most good and needed thing to do in the world, the most healthiest thing to do. Any border requires our action. Our opinion - whatever we speak up is action and it is a form of defense and boundary - and as such it will be met by negativity by someone. There cannot be a perfect action or perfect boundary nor perfect opinion. By its nature it is egoistic and as such it can be labeled as dangerous, evil and bad, by someone. With social anxiety we are stuck at trying to find a way how not to bother someone - and that is impossible. The bottom line is that evil is being unkind and violent. Anythine else has a pass, green light - no matter what some might say.
With this made aware - the next hidden hypnosis is regarding overt and covert narcissists. After the abuse we only see overt abusers as danger. I will focus on exlusively open, easily observed and easily defined toxic situations as sole problem. It is situations of being mocked by someone, attacked, threatened and we cannot escape. However there are also situations which are covered up, when we do feel anxiety yet there is no danger. CBT will explain that we have hallucinations. This needs to be examined.
When someone is overtly annoying, obnoxious and violent and dangerous - we will put some boundary, we will know where is the danger. It is obvious. Usually this is a toxic job situation or being stuck in a shelter with toxic people around where due to finances we cannot relocate. We might therefore be stuck, immobile, be in freeze response or fawn response - it is hard and diffult, but we know it is toxic. When we depend on someone abusive who is in charge to provide us of our finances or place to live. Obviously we are very aware this is toxic and currently we are stuck in it - and we will leave in time.
However - when someone is covert - we let the abuser in. We do not label this person as evil nor dangerous. We let them inside - we tell our secrets, we share, we take it in and we have no idea that they are toxic - although they nag, complain, mock and use given information for manipulation, control, invalidation. Covert meaning there is honeymoon phase in regular cycles. Covert abusers will use grooming and mirroring - reflecing our needs, values which will appear as genuine interest in us- and they will use standard urge to be with others in close contact, not to be lonely, to have a friend and friendly relations and this way sneak into our private space. Now - that is far more dangerous than those who appear as dangerous - overt types. Coverts destroy us from the inside. To overt abusers we will never make the type of contact, even with fawning as we would do with someone who appears friendly, nice, good, open, friendly and good.
Abusers will always deny their abuse. So confronting someone with facts will be met with denial.
Abusers will never take accountability nor responsibility and they will never apologize unless it is part of their act and agenda. Bullying, lying needs to be documented and brought into light. It will help when abusers start to deny their wrongdoings.
I see ability to realize covert abuse as great tool to break hypnosis. This means that by now due to trauma splitting - we will divide world and people into black and white. If someone is good, nice, friendly, open, nice - we will label them as ok and someone to be trusted automatically without any doubt or double checking or any kind of doubt. This is wrong approach. This is something we are not taught neither in media or in self help books or CBT - and in the same time this is related to trauma and social anxiety and avoidance. This means that our urge to develop social anxiety is safety mechanisms which is not dysfunctional at all, as we were being told by CBT. It is totally normal reaction to abnormal people, abnormal situations and abnormal events. It is not normal to treat people like trash. It is not normal to lie, manipulate and control and take advantage of other people, that is criminal act. Social anxiety is our unconsiousness instinct how to protect our mind in times when we had no idea that covert abusers exist. It means we have highly functional mind that is not broken as CBT explains it (filled with cognitive distortions). We have ability to function on life, it is inside us. Social anxiety is not sickness - the people and the ambient we live in is toxic. Social anxiety is simply reaction to toxic people and toxic ambient.
Toxic ambient which appears on the surface as safe. Toxic peoplpe who appear on the surface as good and charmful and nice and eager to listen, full of altruism and good intentions.
With toxic people I will end up that I define normal or neutral as bad. That is toxic reaction, unhealthy reaction to social anxiety, trauma speaking. This happens because I am not aware that covert abusers are hidden and I focus solely on openly dangerous and obnoxious people as the only threat. Then someone who appears arrogant or even if they look alike physically as past abuser - will appear as bad and negative - even if I never spoke or hear to this person. That is when safe people appear as hallucination, as CBT would describe this phenomena. It is not delusion - this is trauma. Being inside toxic programming I will end up with the urge to be saviour and to resolve things, to fix other people's problems and depend on their good mood. All trauma.
And I am not aware that I am hypnotited into loop, hamster wheel of people pleasing. I see covert abusers as big problem here and actually the solution to step outside of being stuck in the loop and intrusive thoughts and worries. When I know that my social anxiety is correct and that I can rely on its message - that I allow myself to doubt everyone - I will allow myself to speak up and start to set boundaries and not being afraid of expressing my opinion. When I am being led on to believe that I must depend on someone who is abusive and covert - I am stuck at being afraid of talking and speaking up in general. I try to split myself and the world in total and absolute good and bad. Where I must be good at any cost. When I try to be good and fair to people who are not good and fair I will try to resolve things. Without being aware that I can let things be unresolved.
When I try to divide life and people in good and bad, I make impossible standard inside me, which is impossible to lead. This way I create anxiety. When I allow myself to be bad, to make mistakes and not depend on opinion of "good" people who are actually covert abusers - the anxiety will ease up. Good people would accept and validate me as I am - they would not judge me - since the bottom line is: the evil is being violent and unkind. Mistakes are not evil. When I take any action, or express any opinion - due to double binding - any action and any opinion will have "mistake" in it, someone will spot mistake even when there is none objectively. Due to their ignorance, or projecting - I will be misunderstood and seen mistaken - and consequently evil and bad. This will happen always. There is no way to evade this unless I avoid all people and live in a cave totally isolated.
With social anxiety we are stuck in a limbo where we try to be good and avoid making mistakes and we seek ways how to take any kind action or speak out any opinion without offending someone or making some kind of criticism. This is impossible. When we self censor ourselves and when we are immobile, when we do not live with full capacity - we rob ourselves from our own life and we do not live our full potential and we fawn over to evil people, abusers and evil will flourish. From our point of view we will appear as someone good and nice and someone perfect, someone who tries to do the correct thing - but in reality we castrate ourselves from life and living at the expense of abusers and evil people who take over our resources.
Money and materialism are not primary focus here. The primary focus is making healthy ambient where abuse and bullying and mobbing does not exist. When I deny myself from talking, speaking my opinion and taking actions, being social - I fawn over and I am subservient to the world. And then I end up in toxic ambient with toxic people, inside toxic country with toxic job, being slave to toxic people. If I am in charge - I can make the choice which otherwise I would not have. I would be able to cut contact with toxic people. Without money - I am dependent on toxic people and toxic situations. And it is not only related to money or materialism. When I got banned from main reddit forum - I could stay hidden and without platform. But I decided to take action and I created my own forum.
CBT is therapy where we are slaves to our panic symptoms without being aware that we are obsessed about our fears and how to correct them. If is artificial attempt to control our reactions to abuse, as if abuse does not exist and we hallucinate it since appearently we are damaged and broken, flawed deep inside our character (toxic shame). As if we are guilty of being unkind and violent and we make up about it by lobotomizing our quirks, perks, particularities and differences and instead we try to fit into groupthink, conformism and herd mentality definitions about what is normal, accepted and approved by masses. There is a rigid rule and one direction approved by higher resource. Bad and negative is seen as something to destroy and cancel and never learn from it, it must be extinguished in order for us to function, after we completed the annihilation - by being desentisized or changed our mind and opinion about it in case if it cannot be controlled or changed. This way I make bad my master - even though on the surface I fight against it. The fight itself prolongs it and make it the center of my attention.
Humanistic therapy is where we are creators of our circumstances, life and where we are active participants focused on our own goals, preferences, where we rely on our mind, instinct and feelings rather than pathologizing them - to guide us in direction away from anthing toxic and unhealthy. There is flexible rule - experimenting and trying out, taking all things into consideration. The bad and negative is seen as part of life, it is not approved but it is taken for what it is - something beyond our control which we do not understand but we can learn from it. The focus on inside me, not on the external.
With CBT we will end up trying to please everyone and blame ourselves if we don't feel safe and when we feel disguted by someone. In the same time rancour and hidden grudge will be stuffed down, stifled inside. We end up in toxic ambient, crap fitting into abuse and toxic people, forcing ourselves to be happy with someone who is toxic and unhealthy.
With Humanistic approach we will cut toxic people off without rancour, without hatred, without desire to destroy them or evil towards them - they simply are not in our focus, we shift focus away from them. We make objective evaluation what happened, why they are toxic, what we can hold them accountable for if imaginary court exist - where we can present our evidence - and validate ourselves, as oppose to self blame and self hate ourselves for being too sensitive or too much of whatever. We will end up with ambient soothed to ourselves.
With CBT it seems as if we are nice and good and kind - but in reality we want to control other person. With humanistic approach it seems on the surface as if we are cruel - but in reality - we let the annoying person off the hook, we allow them to be whatever they are. If they are criminals - the police and judge and court is to process their crimes, prisons are made as institution to hold them away from society. We are not the system, we are not police, we are not the judge - we cannot be. We cannot know everything what is happening with someone nor we can take their life onto our back and carry them around on our conscience and being focused about their issues.
Intrinsic problem with social anxiety is immobility and not being functional in social settings. We end up frozen, we shut up - due to whatever reason. I see social anxiety as part of trauma - thus fear of criticism and judgement. However any cluster A or cluster C disorders - their first response is avoidance and anxiety in social settings. So we need to find out what we are afraid of, how real the fear is and why it comes up. With social anxiety by definition there is fear of other person what they will comment about us. This is indicative that we do not have response inside us to handle difficult people without becoming panicked and stuck in freeze response. Other people without social anxiety feel the fear but it doesn't bother them, they move on, they do not think about it, it is not stuck inside their mind, they do not ruminate and they do not self blame. This is why exposure does not work. When we expose to criticism, instead of being frozen and in order to be functional - to do our jobs - we will fawn and people please others. That is another indication that there is trauma - fawning is trauma response. Social anxiety will still be there - because our primary concern will be other people. We will focus on their responses as the only element that is important. We will suppress our needs, our wants and label them as crazy and part of cognitive distortions as CBT explains. Then instead of being focused on our goals and needs and retort if someone speaks incorrect and wrong conclusions about us and our actions - we will be focused on our panic response to rude and inconsiderate people. We will make other people our masters, someone to base all our life and subjegate our thinking to them. From our perspective and from someone who does not understand the dynamics - we will appear self absorbed and self involved - since we are preoccupied about calming down. But in reality behind calming down is other people- that we crap fit into abuse and abusive, demanding and controling people. Then we won't see that we are actually slave to other people and that we are in hypervigilance mode due to our need not to be hypervigilant - and in the same time these same toxic people, since they are pathological liars - will hold smear campaign and gaslighting - and present themselves as victims, and us as crazy ones, the over-sensitive ones or neurotic ones.
The only way out of this hamster wheel of accusation and psychological abuse disgused as our supposed over-sensitivity and over-reaction, is to lobotomize ourselves, as CBT instructs us. That we stifle down our "over-thinking" and shift focus on chores and being busy - and not look up where the toxicity really comes from - from toxic people around us.
How can other person describe what is inside us? How can they know? How can CBT describe complex psychological states and complex social interactions with limited sets of medical words and limited sets of descriptions of human emotions and reactions. It can't. Oversimplification leads to distortions. This is why psychiatry leads to creating more damage than good. It tries to fit into boxes circumstances, entitities and variables which are far to complex and unknown with catastrophic results. We end up being pushover, stuck in freeze fawn response - and as such we are prime targets for manipulators and controlers. We simply denyo our logic, we will as instructed label our emotions as distortions - and as such we will automatically depend on other people to describe us what is life, what is good and what we must do in life. We will reject any of our own common sense, our own intuition and we will follow other explanations about how we ought to live our lives - basically we will become philosophical zombie, someone's puppet on a string.
Instead of hysteria and being stuck in freeze fawn response - it is clear that exposure does not work, since social anxiety is not about being confident and being outgoing and sociable. It is far deeper problem, it is related to trauma. And our task is to become functional in social settings without becoming someone's pawn to control. This means we need to trust our fears and accept our anxiety. If we reject ourselves and label parts of ourselves as wrong - someone else will claim those parts of our mind and consequently parts of our lives. We will become someone's slave and someone else will rule over us, hypnotize us - and we will not be focused on our goals, needs and wants. Then more social anxiety will come up - since we are not living authentically, we are forced to do things that are not only scary but also disgusting to us and they are not part of our personality. We will try to fit into conformism and groupthink and herd mentality - since we are not allowed to be ourselves and do what we truly want to do - since we suppressed it down. The basic question is - this shadow that is labelled as unnaceptable, wrong and disgusting - is it bad? Is it evil? Does it hurt anyone? What damage it does? Is it violent? Is it criminal? If the answer is all no - then we are duped. Someone is controling us and we are someone's puppet, we are hypnotized into psychological abuse, we are in toxic ambient and toxic people are around us: abused people who deal with their pain and confusion by criticizing others. The quickest way to get rid of self loathing and realization that we are not perfect and that we have mysterious emotions in form of fear - is to abuse other people and nitpick their mistakes and to control them.
When we have social anxiety - we will attract such people into our lives. Abusive people are seeking subordinates, someone who is confused and ashamed, someone who harbors toxic shame inside. We are perfect target for abuse.
Becoming functional when we do not feel functional due to fears, anxiety and panic is basis of Humanistic psychology. That we focus and shift our focus on our internal locus of control, where other people are nto controlling us, where we are not primarily focused on their criticism - yet objective reality and validating our mistakes and our needs and wants. When we are stuck in being focused on our panic symptoms and resolving them by fighting cognitive distortions - we will not move, we will feel more fear and we will end up people pleasing others in order to conform. We will be afraid of making mistakes - since it might produce more fears. In this state other people will control us, willingly or unwillingly, intentionally or uninentionally - others will determine our thoughts, actions, decisions.
I would try out validating our feelings and emotions and listening to them. We can evaluate each situation and see if there is real danger - can someone hurt us or are our fears imaginary. I would not go in the line of overcompensation and trying to mask our fear. I would follow common sense instead.
From my experience - it is always toxic people as the cause of any fears and panic. Every social fear and inhibition was based on someone's criticism which was unfair, and each criticism that caused my feeling fears was based on some kind of someone else's control, their stigmatization of targer, their feeling of entitlement where I am wrong and I ought not to exist and where I make them inconvenient.
When we realize that toxic people are behind trauma and social anxiety - we are left to evaluate in what ways toxic people control us. I believe for many the social anxiety will be result of being stuck in toxic ambient, where we cannot move, we are immobile due to any reason and we are exposed to negativity and toxicity without ability to defend ourselves. CBT creates additional damage - where it instructs us to believe that we are imagining toxic people, that toxic people do not exist and that our thoughts are basically flawed and we have deep basic character flaw which must be cured by declaring civil war inside us - where we are preoccupied about how we think - even though all people experience bias and prejudiced and cognitive fallacies. When we have civil war inside us, other people will exploit us and control us easily. The only way to have self worth is to trust our thoughts and mind and to stand behind ourselves as much flawed and errored we might be. Belief that we are basically flawed is toxic shame - it is not healthy. CBT is not healthy therapy - it leads to develop and nourish toxic shame and that we spend time, money and focus on nitpicking our basic tools for life and survival and defense - it resolves nothing since all people are flawed by default. We are not gods, we cannot be perfect, desire to be perfect is sickness, perfectionism is mental illness. We are allowed to make mistakes and errors, abuse is based on pathologizinig our errors and that is what CBT is doing: it pathologizes our basic human nature, everyone's nature. If we are not killers, if we are not psychopaths, if we are not evil people - if we do not have hidden or open agenda to harm and hurt other people - there is nothing intrinsically wrong with us.
If we look at "healthy" and "normal" people - someone who appears without social anxiety - they are not performing CBT tools, they do not calculate models in their heads how to think in correct manner - they are simply authentic and speak without script, and they are not concerned about their symptoms. In fact if they are focused on their health and any kind of problem which may be a symptom - what happens? They become annoying and no one is listening to them - except for us - since we try to fit in and we are preoccupied with our fears so we never actually blame the other person for being difficult and toxic. We self blame ourselves because we feel anxiety and fears. But it is obvious that is we feel anxiety and fear is that something triggered those feelings of panic. It is reaction- if we do not feel panic all the time- it is obvious that we are triggered by toxic people. When we self blame and when we are preoccupied about our reaction to abusive people - we do not allow ourselves to feel anger toward toxic people - and we do nothing. We freeze and fawn and stay stuck in avoidance of all people.
I would allow our natural reactions to anxiety - anxiety is alarm that something is toxic around us. Instead of being focused on our reactions to abuse - I would rather spend our time, money, focus, energy on removing ourselves from toxic ambient and away from toxic people - which in some cases my be a life project - since certain toxic countries, toxic groups will not be easy to leave without money. CBT makes us stuck to self blame and to be immobile and that we do not see outside of ourselves for clues and objective facts abotu our reality and what is happening around us. Social anxiety is not called self anxiety. Being focused on our self and our self anxiety - while in the same time ignoring toxic people will cause us to be passive and subordiant, sheep and being controlled by others.
Humanistic therapies reminds us that while we experience uncomfortable and confusing and immobilizing social inhibitions - that true focus, what truly matters is our life - our goals, us being happy and doing things we like and finding healthy ambient and healthy people, not being stuck in trauma bonding in toxic ambient. That we are made to be active and to experience life and people and learn about life, to learn predators and how to deal difficult people in healthy manner, without self pathologizing.
CBT's act of meddling and nitpicking our conclusions, perceptions and definitons is form of control, brainwashing and mass control. It is attempt to throw off all our explanations and replace it with idea that is artificial, immobile and non funcitonal - we need errors, we need mistakes. We cannot be without mistakes and fear of mistakes create additional neurosis. CBT is instruction to be afraid of flaws and mistakes. When we cannot choose, when we are given standard to follow, we are cut off from our creativity and new ideas and better solutions to problems at hand. When we try to be perfect and god, someone without flaws and mistakes and errors - we will make other people into our gods - where others define our reactions and where we depend on justifying our actions to others in being assertive - which is catastrophe when the other person is pathological liar, manipulator and someone with hidden agenda of exploitation. When we are perfectionist - we won't be able to take any action. We will actually develop new levels of social anxiety which was not present before - social anxiety of being afraid of distortions, flaws, wrong conclusions, wrong words, wrong opinions. But who defines what is wrong? In the world where there is no ultimate truth and where there is double binding and dualism. Where any action, word, decision, label - can be both good and bad. The idea that we allow medical subgroup to define what is good - is fascism. Then we end up with witch hunt and suppression of thoughts, people, events, situations which intrinsically speaking are not evil at all.
Instead of labeling and judging and imposing one standard over other - over something that is not intrinsically evil - I would rather focus on validation and accepting. Bias, cognitive distortions, flaws, safety mechanisms, thinking errors - are product of toxic ambient and toxic people and being in unhealthy settings. These will automatically ward off as we take care of our Maslow needs one by one. Our basic character is something that cannot be covered up or uncovered. It is basic trait - are we empaths or psychopaths. Are we evil or not. If we go along with self blame idea and that we nitpick issues related to abuse and being in contact with someone who is pathological liar - and then label our own confusion as reaction to toxicity as personal flaw - obviously will not result in anything healthy. CBT is doing this - it is putting label on some reaction as personal flaw. This will create toxic shame and set of fears, panic and anxiety.
When we label something as stigma - we will naturally focus on the problem and try to resolve it. Then we will spend more and more time, money and energy on something that may not be problem at all. It becomes hamster wheel of PureOCD and self pathology where we are immobile. Instead of being focused on Maslow needs - we get stuck at our panic symptoms and without action, without concrete steps without proper guidance, without being aware that we have veil over our eyes - we will end up being dependent on other people to lead us, we will forfeit our GPS and follow other people. That will make us prime target for abuse and exploitation. If we find ourselves in worry loop, and that we are immobile and that things we do are not leading to anywhere - it is a sign something is not right. I believe with CBT we will get stuck in such worry loops - where instead of creating and self expression we are primarily focused on nitpicking our thoughts - without action, without moving, and if we do exposure - we will repeat the internal worry loop - and again make ourselves prime target for exploitation and basically being pushed around by others and their moods and will. We need strong self worth inside us, we need intrinsic locus of control and common sense to tell us what our goals are in life and what we truly like and actually do things we like.
Accepting social anxiety does not mean accepting defeat, being immobile and doing nothing about it. Accepting social anxiety means listening to our panic and fears and changing the way how we explain panic and fears. The point is that we step back from self pathologizing and realizing that there was external trauma that made us traumatized and anxious.
Healing social anxiety will be productive when our actions, thoughts and mindset is shifted from CBT idea of being focused on our panic symptoms - onto being focused how to deal in healthy manner with toxic people and predators who scare us. Healthy manner does not mean relying on external explanation - like CBT explaining us to be assertive. Instead it is about following our common sense - which is actually the final stage of Kohlberg's Theory of Moral Development. When we try to follow someone's guidelines, when we try to be perfect and when we do not allow mistakes and errors - we are actually boring and annoying. Being drama queen, being verbal about what annoys us is the same annoying as not having opinion at all. The key is in the balance - and I see following our common sense and belief that we can rely on our self worth and inside resources to find this balance.
We have to be at peace that we will make mistakes and errors - and this is good - since we can allow other people to correct us, we can allow others to be useful and that they feel needed and validated as correct and normal and good and nice and healthy. If we are healthy and good and perfect and normal - we do not allow others to be on par with us. We put ourselves above others - and that is narcissism.
We allow to make mistakes - means being ok with our errors, meaning being vulnerable and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Narcissists hate mistakes, they hate being seen vulnerable and they never admit their mistakes. CBT leads us in direction to be perfect, without mistakes and that we make ourselves into higher entity far away from hurtful criticism. So the road to be perfect is not healthy at all and it will isolate us from people as much as avoidance will.
When we allow ourselves to make fool out of ourselves, when we allow our mistakes, without being aware of it - we give others permission to be on par with us. Problem starts with toxic people who want to control and dominate over others. They will express this sick idea by violence, aggression and hurtful criticism: ashaming. Therefore with social anxiety we are not in the mindset of balance - we put ourselves above and below - we are not on par with other people.
How can other people put us down? If we believe their criticism and shame and attacks - if we believe them we will feel down. Our belief in them will make us feel small. It is not that their words are the proof - it is our own explanation that other people are correct and right that is problem here. This is what CBT tries to explain with ABC model but fails. It fails because it does not recognize external factor. There are toxic, highly damaging and dangerous people such as narcissists who are pathological liars with hidden agenda to harm other people. Without this awareness - we will end up believing them. Covert narcissists will mirror and groom us to trust them - and their lies will hypnotize us into believing them. We won't allow ourselves to doubt them, we won't doubt our own conclusions - since our primary concern will be to fix invented endless issues and ongoing problems and drama that these predators are creating since they are toxic. Therefore someone being constantly critical someone who is continuously criticize - is abuser, such person is toxic. They might be propelled by good intentions - but being critical all the time is sickness, it is not healthy. We cannot be guilty all the time - and in social anxiety, trauma and abuse - we are always guilty.
That is why if we social anxiety - I would try to open our eyes and evaluate and see what is going on - seek external factor. There is someone toxic - and there is toxic shame inside us which is reacting to toxic people in the external world. Toxic shame will give us inner critic, urge to be perfect and PureOCD worry loops - and we will attach ourselves to people who appear friendly, good, nice and scared like us - only to be toxic all the time and trying to control us.
Along with external factor there is Charcot hysteria - where we might talk and take action - however crucial issues we hold on, crucial actions we do not take. These blockages at critical and important areas are hysteria, freeze response - and without them we have no borders. We end up taken advantage by new and additional toxic people, on top of the present ones.
Being open and when we self express ourselves - it means having self worth and taking action - and this automatically means making mistakes and having errors and that there will be someone who will label us as evil. If we have toxic shame we will believe them and fawn to them, in order to correct us and make us better - and we end up with trauma bonding crap fitting right into abuse.
So what can we do broken and non functional, scared and blocked?
It comes down to developing self worth by accepting and validating ourselves as we are, being ok with errors, being ok with being disliked, cutting toxic people off and being willing to be alone in certian time until we find good people, and to take goals and actions which are aligned with our wishes - not someone else's rules and explanations. If we are not evil - we have nothing to be ashamed of or deny ourselves from. It somes down to have empathy for ourselves, where we embrace our repressed parts which are basically not evil at all - only being cancelled by other people since it was inconvenient for them. Our sign that we are on the correct path is that we can self express and when we cut off toxic people - when we do not trauma bond. If we find ourselves to fawn and self censor ourselves - it is sign someone is controling us and we will feel social anxiety as result. Again, if possible cut contact with toxic people who appear as help or service.
In real life - we will be stuck in certain situations where we must be in contact with toxic people - and it is about learning how to retort and deal with difficult people without self pathologizinig ourselves - are skills we have not learned when growing up. It is not social skills as CBT explains them. Dealing with someone who is pathological liar is not social skill. It is surviving predator, bully, there is no skill - it is dealing with someone who is mentally ill and who is not aware of being sick and consequently someone who will never seek therapy. It is learning how to deal with someone who needs special needs. With criminals it means knowing that we need to document the abuse, and that criminals need to be hold accountable for their crimes. And it is sign that we need to relocate if it is obvious that we live in toxic ambient such as living in shame based country. We cannot heal in the same environment that made us sick.
Our defense system is internal locus of control - but it is not healthy living in ambient where we must be hypervigilant all the time.
Being stuck in toxic ambient with toxic people means that we need to accept the fact that others will steal from us, and there is basically no justice, we live in injust world. People will do damage to us and there will be no justice, they will walk away with bounty and no one will punish them. When we are in toxic ambient, when we are born into toxic shame based country - we are already robbed from mental health, wealth and security and safety - with the birth itself. And we cannot do anything about it. We are not gods, we cannot fix it, we cannot put toxic people to the court - we cannot judge them. We need to accept that many situations will be unfair and we absolutely cannot do anything about it. PureOCD worry loops will only hurt us.
What we can do is learn red flags and learn how to cut toxic people immediately at the start without investing any interest in them right at the start.
In unfair situations we will need to be patient and work slowly in our direction of liberation and walkign away from evil. We will need time to realize what is happening in the first place and we will need time to collect money - since we live in materialistic world - we need money to walk away from evil.
If we stay stuck in victim mode, thinking about injustice and unfairness - we will be stuck in rancour, grudge. Our helplessness will be turned into evil being inside us, rotting inside us. And evil and abusive people succeed to plant virus of toxicity inside us in such way.
We need anger and grudge to learn about evil and to react to abusive people in natural way to create boundaries - however if this becomes stuck anger and grudge - we will have trauma stuck inside our body, without ability to process it and release it. We will hold on to idea that we must punish evil people or hold them accountable. This means if we cannot do anything about evil - we do not need to seek resolution. The resolution will not happen. The primary concern is to feel safe, that we have mental health and self worth, that we do not equate our worth to our success nor errors, that we do not equate our errors to character. If we made mistake - it is human to admit mistake. However if we feel guilty all the time about anything which is not evil at all- then this is toxic shame being stuck inside us.
In social situations - we do not get this anger expressed at the right time. Instead due to trauma, freeze response and Charcot hysteria - we are blocked and our anger does not get processed nor released and other person breaks through our boudnaries. With social anxiety this system of expressing our anger at the correct time is not working. Instead our anger is interpreted as fear and panic - and we stifle it down and then anger devolves into inner critic, worry loops, panic, anxiety, trauma, triggers and flashbacks. When we were growing up we did not learn how to process this anger in the right momoment - we stored it inside us, we archive our fear. When we expressed our anger we were punished repeatedly and we were thus conditioned into social anxiety as by product of repressing our feelings being in unfair injust situation.
Whatever happened in the past we cannot change. What we can influence is from now on to deal with issues realted to social anxiety in precise, laser sharp way with new mindset based on health. It is about knowing what is healthy and what is toxic.
With social anxiety we are stuck for making mistake - based on unintentional mistake, that we apologized for, it is fear that is stuck, someone's aggression for our mistake - and we cannot shake it off, neither abuse, aggression nor guilt for making mistake. How "normal" people deal with it - they shake it off. They may feel bad about it for 2 minutes and they are done with it. With trauma, this is impossible to shake, since we were groomed to feel responsible for other people and to carry shame. Then we will feel social anxiety all the time. Even in safe situations or what seems as safe.
I would refuse CBT idea that social anxiety is hallucination, that is something related to delusions. If the issue was with hallucinations - it would happen all the time, it would not be related only to social situations. We would have panic attacks, pyhsical symptoms all the time. If I have driving phobia - panic symptoms will appear outiside the car only in the moment when I am suppose to drive. This does not mean that even though I am not in the car that this phobia is not connected to the car - just because I am not physically in the car. It would be wrong to label such condition as general anxiety disorder - because panic occurs outside the car and driving situations. In the same way we can feel social anixety before and after event - and our primary concern will be potential danger and embarrasement related to social contact. That is not hallucination, that is dysregulation, trauma stuck inside. If I decide to label this as personal flaw, a character flaw, I will not feel better by nitpicking my thoughts. I will feel worse, I will develop toxic shame, deep core belief that I am inept to manage and handle life.
The fears we feel in safe moments is unresolved anger. When we have trauma we will not deal with problem head on when it occurs. Instead - we will suppress natural reaction to someone being unreasonable - and this will turn into grudge, rancour - longstanding suppressed anger and inability to defend ourselves when someone is unreasonable. So CBT advice to ignore and stifle down our natural reaction to difficult people creates more anxiety.
What I learned without CBT- is that the reason we feel social anxiety is because there are toxic people out there, usually covered into victimhood where they blame others, they mask their own responsibility and put the blame on other people. If I shut up always and if I naturally take the blame, I will be prime target for such predators. So shutting up, being nice and kind in such situation, with predators is not functional and it is not healthy.
I already to not allow myself to react naturally to difficult people due to trauma, and I add up fears by trying to be nice and good and understanding as messages how to handle difficult people from the media and people are wrong.
The world will not teach us how to be bad, we need to learn it ourselves and we need to take responsibility for any effect of not being good to people who are not good. It is not about Fight response. It is about protecting myself and placing boundaries. Also if I am constantly in situation where I need to place boundaries (speak up and voice my opinon and defend myself all the time) that is toxic ambient. That is not healthy. I will tend to trauma bond and stay in toxic ambient due to CBT, due to explanation that I must be good, nice and understanding to people who are pathological liars and predators.
The bottom line is that we are already responsible, we are already taking all the precautions to do the right things and not to make any mistake and not to harm anyone. Since actions and any kind of opinion will be interpreted and misinterpreted as evil - we will be punished and attacked for being nice, kind and taking all kinds of precautins - we will be labeled as lazy and someone who does not care. If we shut up to this injustice, we will signal our brain that our psyche cannot trust the self, we will develop toxic shame and anxiety. This happens due to trauma - invalidation being programmed inside us, lack of self love. We do not love ourselves. And on top of that we are labeled as selfish and arrogant by toxic people and we believe them - they label us as evil even when we do not do anything, just for existing. And we believe them and shut up. This toxic loop must be broken. Toxic people who are not bonded through us with money or contract - must go. Staying in any kind of contact with predators and someone who is pathological liar will have detrimental impact on our thought process and it will deepen the toxic shame.
This trusting others who are toxic is not endemic to social anxiety. This is not proof that we are naturally damaged or that we have character flaw. Trauama does not define us. Without trauma we would also trust other and believe them and we would overlook the warning signs. Trauma only makes it less obvious.
Any kind of CBT advice that we need to change ourselves to fit into anything social is not healthy. Any kind of nitpicking over ourselves when we are already kind, nice and considering is not healthy. Any kind of blame when we are extremelly careful not to hurt others and say something wrong and when we have empathy and ability to put ourselves in other people shoes - any kind of blame present with our natural care is not healthy. Any such blame, guilt shame will focus our attention onto other people - while we already have natural full attention on other people. We already have ability to put ourselves in other people shoes.
What we lack is humanistic approach - to self validate, self love and self accept ourselves.
If I do make mistake - not only I will learn from it, I can admit it and devert narcissism inside me, belief that I am higher god or that I must over compensate in order to conform. Also with mistakes I allow others - I lift them up, since they have their spotlight to be correct and just and useful. When someone discovers faults - it gives them sense of pride and accomplishment. This is what abusers get hooked on - when they are criticizing others, it will give them Jesus complex where they see themselves as god like figure who is having good intentions and battling the supposed evil in the world, it gives narcissists a sense of purpose and they do not have to look nor anyone is focused on their own mistakes, flaws and anything wrong with themselves.
If we never criticize, we would shut up and self censor, someone who is making mistakes may take some deadly mistake in the future - without participating and without warning them we might do damage by our silence. When we are silent to evil people, evil people explain this as other people being weak and they continue with the abuse.
So it is obvious that we lack the ability to take other people being accountable for wrongdoings without making it into drama and trauma. The other problem is Sorites paradox - at what point our alarms ought to be voiced out? With high IQ, with high empathy, with sixth sense, with information which other people do not have - we have moral and ethical responsibility to alarm other people. Yet what is worthy to be alarmed. If we ignore small things - broken window policy or domino effect tells us that anything small that is ignored will with time become bigger problem that will be harder to fix.
I see the only problem with our Charcot hysteria - when we do not voice out due to fear and panic, and trauma bonding due to toxic shame - when we stay in toxic ambient with toxic people. If we are in healthy environment - we would freely talk without shaming others, we would talk about problems and check information without harming and traumatizing others and without them traumatiting us by constant nagging and complaining.
How to fight a monster without becoming the monster in the process. What is alternative - to fawn, to shut up and to be exploited and stuck in trauma bonding with the monster. If the leaving is not the option, the monster will chew us and avoiding its teeth is fawning. If we get fired in poor country without jobs - we will be homeless and hungry unless we conform to abuse and tolerate the abuse. Then we will develop social anxiety and trauma in the process of surviving toxic ambient and toxic people.
The point is that we get to healty ambient and that we form relationship with people on volontary basis who are healthy - that our locus of control is self expression and doing our goals - not being focused on our pain, panic or witch hunt and holding on to boundaries as primary concern.
Social anxiety and trauma come down how to handle trapped situation where you cannot move - how you self express in situation where you are censored, how you express your needs to someone who doesn't listen and you don't have any alternatives. It is about minimizing, tolerating the abuse to the extent it is acceptable whereas in healthy ambient it would not be any issue at all. How we break ice when we are trapped under the ice. Instead of CBT advice to measure our fears and list them, it is about taking action to break the ice when the ice is thick and when we are not aware that we are under the ice and that we need to break the ice.
If all our fears are triggers and flashbacks - then it is about getting out, since there is nothing that is holding us back. It is about joy and feeling good in one's own skin - since there is no money issue or physical threat. Social anxiety and trauma is being in deep state of shock that the world is not safe and people are not safe, that we cannot trust other people. Where we usually get to the opposite and trust everyone and don't get selective and run into people who mirror and groom us into their future abuse just for exploiting our need to connect and socialize.
I think the path we never take with social anxiety and trauma and avoidance is that we do not break the ice. We do not alarm nor alert the other person who is abusive and who triggers us. We do not leave them, we normalize the abuse and rationalize it - and feel guilty if we cut contact. I believe this happens because we are stuck on other people, there is a trauma bonding automatic accepting people who appear good but in reality are pathological liars. And we self sabotage ourselves, that we do not exercise all the tools we have at hand - instead we get frozen and stuck in situations when we cannot leave due to finances or shelter. I would challenge the idea of shutting up, and thinking we will be safe if we tolerate lies and abuse and never voice out the elephant - especially when it is consistant and repetitive. And when we do have means to leave - due to learned helpesness we stay in toxic ambient and form bonds with toxic people. Respecting other people and trying not to dehumanize them does not mean they have control or power over us or that we are not allowed to shift our attenition and time on good people instead.
CBT claims our anxiety is hallucination. If this was true, we would not have issues with self esteem. We would not fawn. We would not try to fix others. We wound not feel toxic shame, instead our hallucination would be our guide - our self would not be affected by it - we would not place other people as our guide. There would be no people pleasing and we would not be exhibiting codependent behaviour such as needing to fix other people and being afraid of what other people think and most importantly - we would not be afraid of criticism - other people and their anger would not be our primary concern, the possibility of being abused, punished, screamed at, mocked by them.
The basic fault with CBT is that we seek help for trauma without knowing it is Complex Trauma issue - and CBT instructs us to change our mind, thoughts, mindset, core personality - whereas there is absolutely nothing wrong with us. We do not need to change, fix, we do not need to modulate or work on our thoughts at all. The problem is not with our mind - it works fine. The direction of CBT is in fixing our thoughts via ABC Model and getting into civil war with our own thoughts as if there is some basic fault called cognitive distortion that is causing our fears and anxiety - and that we will heal with such methods of detecting and removing thinking errors and safety mechanisms. And we put ourselves into prison - since we insinuate that there is something wrong with basic self - due to toxic shame and abuse and being exposed to pathological liars and someone who is criminally insane. And it depends on us when this self blame, self hatred will end. It ends when we realize that we are not nuts, we are not crazy, our thoughts, our preferences, our quirks, perks are totally normal and natural. It would be abnormal if we wanted to kill someone, if we had hidden agenda to do harm to other people, that we are violent and awful character who is abusing others - then there would be character flaw and true thinking errors. Having cognitive fallacies is not sickness - everybody have them. It is good to be informed about it, it is great that we work on them after we fulfilled our basic Maslow needs (job, shelter, finances) - otherwise nitpicking our thoughts and thinking will not help at all about any issue related to aftermaths of being bullied, abused and being in toxic ambient where we could not move away from and where we were in constat freeze response and survival mode.
We lack love, validation and self acceptance - any CBT advice or our urge to fix ourselves to crap fit into toxic ambient will be doomed to self sabotage, low self esteem and ongoing toxic shame.
Stay Positive Toward Yourself | Joel Osteen
https://youtu.be/AkcG-GrcsFk
Too many people do not like who they are. They focus on their faults, weaknesses, they relive their mistakes and failures. They wish they were different, better personality. Instead of accepting themselves, they're critical towards themselves.
They wonder why they are not happy. Why they don't have good relationships. It's because they don't like themselves. If you don't get along with you, you're not get along with other people. “Love neighbor as you love yourself”
You can't love others if you don't love first love yourself. You are not criticizing your friend, why are you criticizing you? You admire their talent, why don't you admire your talent. Start being good to you.
That's not being selfish, that's not arrogant, that's loving yourself. Too many people go through life against themselves, feeling wrong on the inside. Someone say “I discovered the enemy, it was me”. Are you your enemy?
Are you defeating yourself, limiting your dreams, sabotaging your relationships, all because you don't like you? You have enough people and circumstances against you, don't be against yourself. There is more right than wrong with you.
God accepts and approves you right where you are. Faults and all, mistakes, shortcomings, not when you overcome, but right now. He knows you are on a journey. He's changing you little by little. Now accept yourself.
There are forces trying to stop us, but I wonder if you are your enemy. Circumstances may be against you, people will come against you, you can overcome those things. The problem is if you are against you, keep you from destiny.
When we compare and think we have to be like someone else, we can feel shortchanged. Like we're at disadvantage, “I'm not as talented as they are”. God has given you what you need to fulfill your destiny. He would give you different personality.
You have to be comfortable in your own skin. Don't covet what someone else has. If you had their gifts, their personality, their looks, it wouldn't help you – it would hinder you. You are equipped for your race. You have the right personality.
The enemy would love for you to go through life trying to be imitation, copying someone else that you think is more attractive, more successful. Be you. You won't activate the favor if you try to be something that you're not, feeling wrong inside.
I wonder if you're fighting what makes you unique. Are you frustrated over what you think is a weakness, when in fact it's a strength. Quit wishing you were something different and step into what God made you to be.
I know I don't do great every time, but in my mind, I do great. I said “I nailed it”. I don't mean this arrogant, but I celebrate myself. I compliment myself, I acknowledge what God has enabled me to do. I know people do much better, I am not running their race.
The mistake didn't change your purpose. Don't let failures and times you got off course cause you to be against yourself. Be as merciful to you as you are to others. The accuser bring condemnation, guilt, feel not worthy, down.
God doesn't disqualify us. The mistake we make if we disqualify ourselves. Don't judge your life based on one season where you made mistake, made compromise. That didn't stop your destiny. It will hold you back if you feel guilty, condemned, washed up.
You have to forgive yourself, you have to have mercy on yourself. “-You dont know what I did” Why are you writing yourself off? You don't know where God is taking you. God has still something awesome for you in future.
Will you compliment yourself? How much further will you go if you'll stay positive toward yourself? Quit beating yourself up for past mistakes, quit dwelling on your faults, over-analyzing your weaknesses. God is still working on you.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Stop trying to get close to someone who is running away from themself.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
One of the basic human rights a narcissist takes away from you is the right to be angry with them. No matter how badly they treated you, your voice shouldn't rise.
The privilege of rage is reserved for them alone. They invalidate your anger so they can escape accountability.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Be emotionally available, but NOT for emotional abuse.
Josh…, TWITTER:
It’s your life. Live how you want to, do whatever you want… just don’t hurt people.
S, TWITTER:
Abusers treat their victim worse when they see there is no support system.
Søren Kierkegaard | Danish Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
“Face the facts of being what you are, for that is what changes what you are.”
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
No one should ever be told that they are ‘bonded’ to the person hurting them. They aren’t ‘bonded’ to them - they’re entrapped by them.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Trauma responses are the bodies attempt to keep us safe from experiencing past pain in the present moment.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The reason why some people have such strong reactions to the “hurt people hurt people” trope is because trauma survivors are routinely made to feel toxic because of what happened to them— not because of any choices they made.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
Don’t let people manipulate you into thinking it’s unprofessional or aggressive to speak up for yourself. Speak up for YOU because it’s really just a tactic to silence you & make your opinions/thoughts invisible.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Negative people are hurting people. Chronic negativity is the only way they know how to cope with a life that’s been a constant source of pain and disappointment.
occultbot, TWITTER:
Carl Jung coined the term "synchronicity" to describe when external events and the internal events of a person's mind coincide with each other.
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
Beating yourself up doesn't make you stronger. It leaves you bruised.
Being kind to yourself isn’t about ignoring your weaknesses. It's about giving yourself permission to learn from your mistakes.
We grow by embracing shortcomings, not punishing them.
https://ted.com/talks/dan_harris_the_benefits_of_not_being_a_jerk_to_yourself
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Emotionally immature people struggle to understand people have different perspectives, different opinions, and different ways to engage with life. They tend to push their views or engage in black & white thinking to cope with their own discomfort.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
People around you, constantly under the pull of their emotions, change their ideas by the day or by the hour, depending on their mood. You must never assume that what people say or do in a particular moment is a statement of their permanent desires.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Your greatest test will be how you handle people who mistreated you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Dealing with Toxic Personalities like narcissists, you'll find yourself explaining the basic elements of human respect to a full grown adult.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
When you block the narcissist, they will make out like you have "bad morals" when really it is about their bad behavior.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Trauma can make you feel like you're never safe, even if the world around you appears to be safe to everyone else. This can make it incredibly difficult to explain to non traumatized people, who can't see a clear"reason"you feel anxious, paranoid, scared, or powerless.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. LCSW, TWITTER:
coercive controllers are:
1) low or no empathy
2) without remorse
3) selfish
4) charming
5) manipulative
6) deceitful
7) what would you add?
baby g, TWITTER:
Pretending like you don’t have needs will not make you more ‘ likeable’. It just attracts people who are unable or unwilling to meet your needs
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
Confirmation bias is twisting the facts to fit your beliefs. Critical thinking is bending your beliefs to fit the facts.
Seeking the truth is not about validating the story in your head. It's about rigorously vetting and accepting the story that matches the reality in the world.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma survivors often have little patience for small talk.
Once you've seen & experienced certain things & when your daily life's an emotional roller coaster, you lose patience for chitchat. You wanna dive deep-- & surface conversations can be annoying or even triggering.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Many people struggle with a abandonment issues even though their parents were physically present. It’s helpful to understand emotional abandonment has the same impact. Children need consistent emotional connection to become secure in adult relationships.
(18.10.2022)
Micromanaging is always bad idea for anything - and CBT is micromanaging our feelings, thoughts, emotions, decisions, perks, quirks, particularities, character, persona, flaws, likes, dislikes - basically any trait we have and self pathologizing it all - as if it is all bad and we must put effort to correct the rails of our thinking. Obviously this is doomed to toxic shame and self pathology.
The idea of trusting our thoughts, decisions, feelings, emotions and not labeling them as sick - is to take initiative - slowly becoming who we are without trying to change and crap fit into abuse and other people's idea how to control us. When we stick by our thoughts no matter what they are - we actually won't care so much about other people or failure or being embarrased. Our social anxiety will fade since the brain will trust itself, it will trust our logic and unconsicousness in the same time - as oppose having civil war inside and believing that we are weirdos and something to reject, discard and be disgusted with - as it is byproduct of CBT.
Having "sane" mind, being healthy - will not mean that I will be abolished from problems and outside insanity and chaos. With my nitpicking and belief that I am damaged that I must fix myself - I try to re-arrange myself in order to control outside events. I believe that if I find perfect way to think - without panic and fears and ugly emotions - that somehow I will have better life. In the process I start to micromanage and nitpick and criticize myself, and I repeat the original trauma - being exposed to relentless criticism 24/7 only this time this same criticism happens due to good intentions, it is covert evil masked as something good, something I have to do in order to get something out of it - that I never experience pain, panic, fears, being embarrassed, being hurt. In reality I cannot control outside events so fixing myself will not change abusers, predators, bullies.
Once I understand that my job is not to fix my thoughts and that any thinking pattern I have is normal, safe and functional - the trauma stays as issue which appears as something to nitpick and resolve. And by now I know that trauma is about validation and self acceptance and being showered in security and safety. The obvious issue is me seeing other people. Due to trauma splitting I will see bad people who appear bad in one area - such as being loud or looking like previous abuser. Of course this is dysfunctional belief stemming from trauma splitting. The obvious isssue then is to believe that I can trust people - who are not abusive, who are not pathological liars, who are not covert abusers. When I believe that I have wrong thoughts - I stay in limbo state. I do not trust anyone and I let anyone inside. I fear everyone and I allow others to do anything without me interveninig. When I turn this around by trusting myself 100 percent - then magically I have powers to speak up and check out or leave is necessary. With belief that I have wrong thoughts I stay in abusive toxic contact - because I have no idea who is on the other side. Logic will normalize and standardize abuse and rationalize it with the help of ABC method and techniques from pathological liars - convincing me that I am over-sensitive. When I accept myself and my thoughts and beliefs and conclusions - paradoxically and magically - I allow myself to doubt others and trust them in the same time. I take care of myself as oppose seeking attention and love from others. I am ok with being alone and vibing alone when I accept my thoughts and my anxiety. When I reject it and try to get rid of it - I am needy and clingy and I crave for company. I hate myself and I love others and fear them in the same time. When I accept myself as I am - I am primarily focused on me and my goals and interventions and ideas. When I hate myself I am primarily focused on fixing myself to fit in into someone else's idea what is perfect mind, perfect life, perfect people and try to fit into this fantasy idea by media, other people, or something other in external.
When I reject myself and micromanage every thought inside - I end up being afraid of making mistakes. When I accept myself and when I am ok with my decisions - I have courage to make initiatives and to ponder new ideas - I am not stuck in worry loop how to resolve certain aspects of myself such as being stuck in other people's hysteria, anger and hatred.
When I accept my anxiety and anything that others might criticize - I can divide people into people whom I can trust to - even though they may appear scary and violent by single action which is not rooted in anything objectively scary nor violent, abusive. When I accept myself, trauma splitting issue is gone. Other people are not primarily concern - I do not try to micromanage others anymore. I make it easier by being ok with making mistakes in my judgement whom I can trust. And being totally ok with not contacting others. With self hate - I force myself to expose and to prove myself I am man enough - by tolerating toxic people's behaviour.
Unprocessed emotions are creating neurosis. It stems from trauma and toxic shame. Intrusive thoughts about someone being intrusive, potentially or in the past or at the moment. It is based on belief that my thoughts are guilty for their discontent and that I can magically fix my thoughts to appease the abuser and intruder and someone just being plain rude. That idea that I meddle into my thought patterns is disorder since it does not process emotions where my boundaries are being invaded. I do not focus on the boundary invasion - I focus on my thought process and my thought patterns and I hope for a philosopher stone where I will be able to protect myself by changing my thinking and my behaviour in order to evade external: pain, hurt, abuse. So obvious solution is to trust myself and focus on reality and what is going on. That I realize that uncomfortable panic emotions are not proof that my thinking and mind is disordered - but that this is trauma stuck inside my body and internalized toxic shame. That I can rely on my thinking, that there is nothing inside my thoughts or mind that is causing abuse, provoking the abuse nor initiating the abuse.
Due to exposure to abuse: constant invalidation and criticism 24/7 in our formative years - we concluded that our thoughts and behaviours are the cause of anything bad happening. CBT reflects this erroneous belief by making us hyped about about changing and nitpicking our thoughts in order to prevent from bad things happening. As is other people will not be rude if we only find magical way how to be charmful enough or think in strong way that magically will influence other people to calm down and that our supposed just right correct thinking will somehow magically prevent abuse from happening.
Conformism is not always bad. Universal rules apply, common sense. Criticism is basically evil and judgements destroy a lot and can make damage - but we all do it. Judgements are action, criticism is setting boundaries - so criticism and judgements are like spikes that stab other people if we get too close to them - hedgehog paradox. The difference is - is this the message of control, manipulation, personal agenda - or is it beneficial to all.
Our brain creates prizes and then collects them. Feel validated or abused. If we were traumatized or if we are inside toxic ambient - our brain will learn to feel good based on prizes given from others who control us. We won't be aware this is happening. This way someone may fake being good to us and control us by validation and appraisal. We won't notice that we are being controlled and that this person may be evil, have evil agenda, some future goal to exploit us. This is why it is bad idea to keep external referencing locus of control ongoing. We believe that people can hurt us by being bad to us, openly and that only way if someone is bad if he is openly unkind or violent. Covert abusers hide their unkidness and violence by masking it - which is sinister, hard to detect and extremely harmful.
We need to re-value all contacts which appear good, nice, "beneficial", servile - if the person is someone we do not know, their history other than their own stories - that is not a good sign. The fact that we depend on such person or any other person is not a good sign.
No wonder social anxiety exists. If we have no idea that covert abusers exist - our unconsciousness part, autonomous part tries to warn us and give us this message in fact very clearly: avoid and isolate and do not trust anyone, neither bad nor good people.
Brain reacts to rewards and punishment. Skinner's box is real but it works differently than his lab experiments. In real life it works through criticism-rejection and appraisal-acceptance.
This sick and toxic controlling manipulative dynamics based on shame and lack of empathy messes up attachment and connection and making friends and meeting new people - since there is no real trust, only interest behind it.
Toxic people showcase us how "reality" works and we believe all people think in this scarcity predatory ways - and when we have empathy and we do not want to engage in manipuation and control -we end up with fawning, fears, phobias, trauma and self blaming. All our decisions are now focused to appease predatory system, dog in manger instead of long spoon analogy.
We are conditioned to believe that social anixety is some kind of personal choice, victimhood we play, something that can be removed by choice and our logic, as if social anxiety is basically wrong trait what is ugly flaw in our character that therefore must be rejected, destroyed, suppressed, shamed and ultimately removed, plucked out of mind so that I can prove others that I am man enough. No. This is trauma. Being highly sensitive and empathic will keep me "stuck" with this trait - so I will be forced to chase hamster wheel - I will feel bad for having ability to put myself in other people shoes. I will be conditioned to believe that I am flawed and think I will be good when I am man enough. This is toxic shame. Experiences which lead to such belief is abuse and trauma. Being stuck in this belief is conditioning, Skinner's box and trauma. I will not see it as abuse nor trauma not even toxic shame. I will see it as me being flawed and unnaceptable, wrong without arguments to defend myself and my actions and my beliefs. This is Jane Eliott's blue eyes experiment - where I am told that I am not good for being myself and that certain people are normal and superior to me. And I must serve them and constantly remove anything wrong with me in order to fit in to be normal enough just for a while.
The conditioning and hypnosis is so deep that I do not see at all that even when I appease and perform tasks which are explained as manly and normal and accepted - that I will not get any reward, life will not become better, I will not be accepted by these same toxic people and that they will continue to criticize and ashame me. I will be hynotized to react and to appease their comments, annoyanced and irritations as if they are entitled to ask from me to perform tricks for them. And I will not have anger, I will suppress it since I am explained that I am wrong the way I am, that my character is wrong.
So with this mindset I believe that social anxiety is something I can modulate, fix and nitpick, something to change in order to gain some heaven and promissed better life in the cloud hidden away.
Our suppressing of anger is crucial factor - we rationalize it with empathy, we are instructed to not be angry at pathological liars because we are explained to see them as wounded souls. So their wound is primary concern, not their criminal act. Then we end up being exploited for having empathy, we are taken advantage and toxic people parasite our on endless patience and empathy. This will appear as codependency to the third party - but this is not codependency because we are not aware of what is going on. We are lied to by the abuse and we are lied to by society who enable the abuse for the sake of peace. When we say no to abuser - there will be repercussions. Toxic person will discard us and find the next target. So the society likes for virus to stay localized and not spread around chaotically since they - society - might become bothered by it, their sons and daughters - so it is easier to make us die in friendly fire, in scapegoats who will suffer willingly for ethical and moral standards we have - that we do not hurt anyone and that we do not make other people suffer - but not allowing us to suck us dry, steal from us and exploit us.
Society is doing this by making us believe that social anxiety is ritual, perk, quirk - that is toxic and that must be destroyed and removed. That we settle into abuse and crap fit into abuse. That way we will not suspect that covert abuse is going on - instead we will focus on believing that we are nuts and that there is some basic flaw in our character that must be cured for some higher goal - like abuse will not happen if we are quiet, if we self pathologize. CBT joins into this hysteria and make us believe we are pathological if we have fears, that we caused it and that we must seek and find some unknown way how to clean ourselves up from fears and shame - that CBT explains we invented out of thin air. This way we will stay with bullies who will find in us perfect target to parasite on. We won't allow ourselves to get angry and thus set boundaries. We will shut up and bullies won't bother anybody else. CBT will hypnotize us into believing that our basic flaw will somehow be magically removed and we will be magically cured if we keep on chasing some unknown ideal about how we are suppose to be - without fears and anxiety. That is blunt lie - since all emotions are totally normal and it is not healthy to suppress our emotions. If we feel fear - there is high chance that someone abusive is triggering our abuse and we need to find and cut contact with toxic people and toxic jobs - not stayed trapped inside them if we have options to leave.
With belief that social anixety is basic flaw in our character (which leads to toxic shame), we will make ourselves believe that there is reward to chase. That we will feel good when we succeed in removing fears and exposing ourselves and facing our fears. This belief will make us believe that our thinking with fear inside us is sick and that our basic character is flawed. This wil create toxic shame - with toxic shame we won't have self worth and without confidence - we will never have confidence that is promised by CBT as ultimate award for facing fears and exposing.
In reality- fears will always be there, fears are natural normal emotion, facing fears will not work - we will still feel flawed and we will be hooked in chasing awards system promised by CBT and toxic society and bullies that ashame our basic character as flawed and wrong. We will be hooked up to chase conformism, other people's explanations what is good and normal, we will chase groupthink and herd mentality - without ability to self express, to inovate, to have our own ideas that contradict the fascist norm. We won't have then courage to socialize. We will become robot instead with tools and motions that are artificial. We will not feel confident, we will be lobotomized instead.
Others will never make us feel good as CBT sets us up to believe. We cannot get intrinsic locus of control aka self worth by basing it on external achievements and rewards of someone's definitions of what is success - we are the ones who are setting these definitions based on common sense and ethical and moral standards.
Whatever we do- people will always criticize and hate us, I will be stigmatized when I do not conform and I will be stigmatized all the time if I try to conform - since fascists will always set up rules and paths where we need to walk and obey their orders which they invent in their mentally ill mind.
Facing fears feel good for confidence. Facing any kind of fear will boost confidence. However in presence of toxic people, toxic ambient, when there is untreated mental illness, toxic shame, narcissism - this fear system becomes tainted. Now with toxic shaming I will associate facing fears not because of my own goals and desires and my own initative - but facing fear will become a tool to ashame someone, to control, to manipulate and now the fears are associated with approval of other people and now there is toxic hidden belief masked as greater good that others will not bully me and problems will never ever happen and bad events will never materialize - only if I face fears. When these fears are associated with being ashamed and bullied - we have coercive control - this is now manipulation - not proving myself that I am a man and that I am capable of handling life.
Now this fears and facing fears is hypnosis. It is shame based - and as such it creates the sea of fears- all world now looks unsafe and I am drowning in sea of shame, fear, panic, anxiety. Now brain is trained to seek oasis, a island to escape death. Now the world is seen as generally speaking dangerous place. And life is seen as survival, full of predators and I am victim inside it - which must become bully and abuser itself in order to survive for a bit. This is how abuse is copy pasted into new generations. And CBT joins into this hysteria and hypnosis by making us believe that we must list our fears and face fears in order to achieve mythical "normal" state of mind and "normal" life, that there is promised life is we only set ourselves a worry and hypervigilance as state of lifestyle to be in.
Now trauma is creating more trauma.
In reality - facing fears will make us risk more and we will achieve more in life. However if this urge is based on appaising the abusers not to punish us - we will be stuck in belief that life is unsafe and that people in general are unsafe and dangerous. We will self blame ourselves all the time and be stuck in amygdala hijacking.
Someone's constant criticism is hypnosis - that is tool how to make us feel reward and punishment, that is conditioning. There doesn't have to be literal words such as: "Your thinking is abnormal, and you are not man enough if you do not do this or that". Instead of this, constant criticism and nitpicking and micormanaging will do the same effect - by mere constant and relentless criticism - which we already experienced in childhood when we were developing our psyhce - so we were farmed to prime virus and toxic people later in adult life. We will have ground and place and space to receive toxic people who will reinforce and continue the abuse - which arrested us in development and thus developed toxic shame, trauma and social anxiety. With micromanaging we are primed to believe that our basic flaw in character is reason for all the evil and abuse in the world and that we must devote our energy, time and focus on appeasing the critical and toxic people around us, staying in such relationship - since outer other alternative world outside is full of danger and predators and fears - which we must face one by one. Devoting our all energy, focus and money to our fears and making fears to be our gods to obey and fawn to.
I will repeat this over and over - and it must be repeated and explained to ourselves and to others:
our brain is creating prizes and then collect them - and toxic people set us to conform based on these magical rewards.
Criticism is punishment, and our action to conform is reward.
There is no actual love and acceptance as reward - there is no pat on the back. We seek it and we think if we only perform good enough - the abuse will end and we will be validated. With untreated mentally ill people this acceptance and validaiton will never happen - except they are in court losing all money and freedom due to coercive control and criminal abuse that they have done. Then they will fake being victim and suddenly show emotions and vulnerability and acceptance. In grooming phase they also have ability to mimic being normal and loving and validating - which makes us hooked to abuse in the first place. We seek award to be validated, accepted and loved - as we were farmed during growing up, our mind was conditioned to think in this way of reward and punishment, conditional love.
This reward system is like in application game with coin collection. If I am criticized I fill fear errors. This is negative reward system through punishment. There is still reward system - only it is negative. This is hypnosis, this is operant conditioning, Skinner's box. Coins to collect will be chasing perfectionism. We will solidly believe without any doubt that we are chasing higher good, that this higher good will happen soon, and that if we perform often and good enough that external validation will materialize. It won't. Mentally ill people who are untreated and aggressive have no ability to be healthy, to be loved to show love and to connect with people. This part that we seek is not working in these psychopaths. We think all people are the same and that fake people do not exist. This makes us keep stuck with toxic people - we were conditioned to believe that toxic people do not exist and that we are evil if we label someone as toxic, someone who is abusive to others.
CBT and various people with "good intentions" define social anxiety as issue with facing fears. It is not. Social anxiety is social shame. "Shame is a social emotion, typically felt after failures, inadequacies, and moral or social transgressions (Izard, 1977)". Shame can be used as tool for pathological liars, toxic people, narcissists, psychopaths to manipualate and control their targets.
Shame therefore is not personal flaw in such instances. Shame is not caused by faulty beahviour or thinking as we are made to believe - shame can be instrument in the hands of highly toxic and dangerous individuals. Until we realize this we will be hooked onto toxic shame, hypnotized into guilt and shut up to injustice and suppress our natural reaction anger and turn on the self destruction sequence inside us.
Peer pressure is one example of such social shame being actually a tool for manipulation, not that we done something "wrong" or that we are wrong by default as we are made to believe.
We end up proving ourselves to others, that we are man enough. That is the goal of manipulation and control by toxic people. We are totally unaware that we end up proving to someone that we are normal and worthy and that we seek their appraisal, approval, validation and love and acceptance. We are hooked to seeking approval and shame is used as tool to keep us hooked. Codependents are aware that this is illusion but they choose to shut up and stay inside addictive toxic contact. We are not aware with social anxiety that there is ongoing manipulation. And if we are aware, we stay in toxic contact due to finances, shelter - because by now we never took enough risk to become independent and able to lead life which would allow us to have income and shelter. In poor toxic countries politicians will keep people poor so that they depend on political pressure to conform to tyranny.
Tool used in manipulation and control through social shame and peer pressure is judgement: criticizing someone's basic fundamental true non-evil functional character traits as evil and disgusting, equating action and errors with character.
Later such judgements and criticism and conformism and norms - ideas of untreated mentally ill people what is normal - become our inner critic, it is internalized inside us. Then it will seem to us due to inner critic that we are the ones who are to be blamed for fears and insecurities. We do not see that inner critic was programmed and influenced and implanted by manipulative, toxic dangerous controlers, mentally ill people.
Inner critic is internalized external control and hypnosis. We did not event it. We were not born with it. It is not part of our character. This is program and control and hypnosis that is running its implanted external virus program that came and stems and hails from the inside. To the third party - we will appear as victims and someone who has delusions and invinting its own problems. I end up feeling guilty, I end up believing I am guilty for feeling guilt and for having inner critic. Now this becomes basic personal flaw in character that I must cure and that I am flawed being for having it. That I am not worthy enough and I am not having enough qualities as other people who appear without these issues on the surface. From my perspective others appear correct and healthy and good. CBT joins into this hysteria and proves us that others are normal and good while we are incorrect due to our "cognitive distortions" which as CBT explains - only we have.
So CBT sets us up to continue with self blame and self hate.
We are set up to believe that we must find some type of correct thinking which is hardly understandable and that there is no define description of this normal thinking - yet we must discover it by self pathologizing ourselves into normalcy, as CBT and abusers instruct us to believe.
The implanted hypnotozed idea is that I must find correct thinking and correct behaving to prove my manhood and honor and to evade bad events from happening and to prevent bad people from materializing. Bad things, bad people will happen no matter who we are and no matter how perfect we are.
This implanted hypnotized lie perceived as ultimate truth will destroy our self worth - and without self worth we won't be confident never ever again. Without self worth we do not have immunity. Without natural reactions and anger we cannot defend nor set any types of boundaries. All the time we won't know this - we will believe that our fears and emotions are proof of our sickness and that we must heal and remove it in order to be confident, good, nice, not evil and that evil people and evil events will dissapear as soon as we start to think and behave "normally": without fears and without anxiety - which in reality occur as natural reaction to pathological liars, covert abusers and highly skilled mentally ill people psychopaths and other highly dangerous sociopaths who make us believe that we are damaged by reacting to their psychopathy.
When we are being explained in indirect way that we are basically flawed, wrong, stupid and unworthy - we won't have money. We won't take risks, we won't educate ourselves, we won't be out there, we won't trust other people since we do not trust ourselves - we will have financial issues, we won't handle basic Maslow needs - we won't have shelter and we won't have income. If we have job - we will spend all our money on shopping and addictions - since we will seek security and approval - as we have none inside us. We won't have money. Without money and along with trauma - we will not be able to expose and to face fears anyways. So we are trapped into CBT and abuser's instruction to face our fears to prove our manhood and honor - while in the same time we won't have resources to do it. For example - driving phobia. Having car needs money. Anything in life we depend on driving if we do not live in highly successful state with cheap and detailed covered public transportation. Without driving, without facting driving phobia - we will stay stuck dependent on other people. And we will blame ourselves for being victim, third party will blame us for not doing enough, that there is something wrong with us. More shame.
Now I end up feeling to be second class citizen, inferior. This means I must shut up and I must not self express myself - which are both anti-dote to toxic shame and tools to build self worth. Instead I will be stuck in belief that I must not bother first class citizens who are not on par with us. They are simply more worthy, they are higher class and I am not valid enough to exist in the same time at the same place.
Then all this starts to be my own personal shame because I do not ask others and I am silent. Shame for shame. More and more shame. It is building up of shame, like clogged pipe. Shame will accumulate. Others will put shame on me, I will shame myself for having shame.
In poor country this all intertwines. I end up with toxic country with general toxic shame in society in poor country to believe that I must face fears to exist, to prove my worth and to conquer someone to prove my honor and manhood. I will end up believing that the world is unsafe place and that all people are not safe. And if I ever get into contact - that I must impress them and prove my worth - by fawning to them and negating my anger and being silent. I end up self pathologizing my fears my core self and I end up chasing approval and validation to feel good about myself. This is the same dynamics as for narcissist and narcissism - however with one crucial ingredient that separates narcissism from being abused - is that I will be punished if I do not comply. Narcissists have discovered that they can manhandle their shame by abusing others - usually easy targets, nice and quiet people without safety net. Meaning abusing targets who cannot run home when abuse starts and honeymoon grooming period is over.
With toxic shame inside us, in toxic environment - we are labeled by third parties - which even may not be necesarrily evil and abusers - that we are lazy and parasite. With our panic, Charcot hysteria, spasms, and immobility we will appear as if we are choosing our decisions to shy away from life as being either lazy arrogant or slob parasite who is taking advantage of others.
Then with fearing such new labels of shame and control masked as warning and alarm to make us straight and fearless and self worthy by shaming us - we actually become working drones. We become slave to people who throw labels and judgements and their explanations. We think being perfectionist will cure illness and make us strong without mishapennings.
What to do?
Obviously - anti dote to toxic shame, trauma and abuse is self expression, self validation, self acceptance - all our "flaws" and anything that other people labeled as "weak", "unmanly", wrong. If we are not out murdering people, if we are not anti-social and doing damage to anyone or anything - there is nothing wrong with us being the way we are. There is nothing to be ashamed about or hide it. Primarily, I am talking here about labels such as being "weak" - I am talking about general labels to ashame us for simply existing. When there is even no action. We haven't done anything - and that is crime in their head. I am also talking here about being perfectionist - when we try to be active and good and to do good to people - where again we are labeled as "weak" and without backbone, without honor and other labels. I would focus here on tyranny of honor and honorhood and toxic people who exploit this norms and conformism and herd mentality to control us.
When we chase to be "normal" and honorable and manly - our locus of control is on other people's explanations, their expectations, we try not to dissapoint other people. So obvious solution - dissapoint them by being ourselves. Next logical step is cutting contact with toxic people and relocation - that they are not in our contact visible area. We cannot heal if we are among toxic people in toxic ambient.
When we cannot run away, when we cannot relocate - due to finances and shelted - obvious goal is to accumulate money and security and then leave. Until then we are left with retort. Instead of shutting up or fawning - that we retort to their trials of control and shame. But look now what is now our locus of control. Other people are no longer in the centre of our attention. Now we are in the main focus, our goals, our needs and our existance. We do not put other people above us - now we are on par. That is the difference.
When we are abused - we might decide to abuse others back - we will do this from inferiority position. We won't be on par. We will deeply believe that we are wrong and that other people are super ideal beings above our class. And then abuse will came from the belief that we are wrong and not deserving. That is how abuse spreads and re-generate itself with new generations.
I will believe that other people must admire me or I am wrong by default.
When I feel deeply wrong at the core, that I am bad by default and that feeling fears is unmanly and sissy and I must man up and be strong - with this belief I will form locus of control to be other people seeing me facing my fears and thinking I am approved and admire me for being "strong" and "manly". There is nothing wrong with facing fears. It will feel good to face fears and it is healthy to face fears. However it is horrible wrong if I face fears with determination to gain someone's approval and validation - other than my own. Then other people, that person is actually controlling me.
Goal ought to be my goal.
That is the only healthy thing - that my goals are my own - not expectations of other people and fear of dissapointing them. Let them be dissapointed. I am not their saviour, I am not their supply, I am not their nanny.
When I feel deeply wrong and think that my thinking is bad, disgusting and sick - then I place shame as my goal. External audience - imaginary or real one is guiding me. I am locked into other people's perceptions. That is not healthy. If I already have high empathy, if I already pay too much time, focus, energy and money into taking into consideration of other people that I do not harm them - anything else above that is exploitation and control and manipulation by others.
I will end up chasing approval, being easily hypnotized and I will mix empathy with other's approval and their validation.
I will end up distrusting all people. I will not be able to form any connections whatsoever.
In healthy ambient there would be no intrusive judgements. In toxic ambient I am not on par with others. Criticism and judgements are triggers - it is sign that someone is toxic, not that I am at fault. If I have highly level of conscience and moral and ethical standards - I do not need other explanations what is ethical or moral - especially if their criticism is Ad Hominem.
jo, TWITTER:
You are not responsible for an abuser’s behavior, or the consequences of their behavior.
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
Freedom is not to not restrain yourself, but to control yourself.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
If they are devaluing you, it is a sign of their own significant insecurities.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Some people walk into your life just to teach you how to get away from things that are not good for you.
Friedrich Nietzsche | Philosophy & Psychology 🧠, TWITTER:
A politician divides mankind into two classes: tools and enemies.
All we ever perceive introspectively are bundles of ideas, but never something
that might count as “mental substance”.
-
Hume revolutionized ethics, or more accurately, our understanding of the
meanings we assign to moral language. His main point is that moral language is
not factual but evaluative. When I say “War is evil”, I may think that I am
describing war objectively, whereas I am only telling you about my subjective
feelings. No one can empirically detect the “evil” of war. Such an entity
produces no impressions on the mind. (Unlike, say, the more factual “War is
destructive of life and property.”)
-
If his analysis is correct, this means that it is impossible for anyone to “prove”
their moral beliefs or feelings, no matter how much factual evidence they can
muster.
-
But if human beings are no more than bundles of “impressions”, and there are no physical objects, then impressions must be crucial and rather
peculiar. They cannot be exclusively physical or mental either. They are “neutral” phenomena, from which all our mistaken beliefs about mind and
matter derive.
But Hume is never clear about what impressions are or how they differ from
ideas. They are an analytic and critical tool more than anything else
-
We don’t inspect the world and get “habituated” by it but project concepts upon
it. Perhaps it is we who make the world human, not the world that frames how
we think. But that’s the subject of another book altogethe
-
He was
concerned that “the tyranny of the majority” might inflict a general lowering of
aesthetic taste. If the majority is happiest watching Reality TV, then programmemakers might exclusively provide such programmes.
-
Different people have different sensory experiences of the world, which
suggests that all empirical knowledge is inescapably relative.
-
Empiricist philosophy is primarily epistemological – concerned with the
problem of knowledge. It declares that the most obvious and important source of
knowledge is perception.
-
We naturally assume that what we see is the outside world. But we don't. We "see" a selective and organized mental construct, a fact which psychologists can demonstrate to us rather easily with their apparatus of visual "tricks" and "puzzles".
---
Radical “postmodernist” philosophers like Michel Foucault (1926–84) further insist that knowledge is always a social and political construct.
What counts as knowledge, the categories it creates, the access it provides or denies, the kind of social and political realities it creates are all Determined by the powerful. “knowledge” is used to exclude and control those who are denied access to its means of production
-
Our “visual fields” are never experienced directly, but are always instantly “conceptualized”.
(New-born babies and a few Impressionist artists may be the only people to ever see something like an unconceptualized world of raw sense data.) The rest of us apply concepts to our experiences instantly, so that they have meaning for us.
We do not “receive” information passively, but actively “create” our experiences. We do not draw inferences from sensory information, but impose meanings upon it.
-
All our knowledge about our surroundings is utterly human and fallible … … even though, in its public forms, it has helped us to survive.
-
No matter how much we know about wavelengths of light and human sensory
perception, science seems unable to describe or explain the total uniqueness of
our perceptual experiences or “qualia”
Introducing Empiricism: A Graphic Guide
Book by Bill Mayblin
jo, TWITTER:
Victims who cover for their abusers are not liars. They are not unreliable. They are terrified, coercively controlled Victims.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. LCSW, TWITTER:
coercive control is psychological torture and most people who have never experienced it won't be able to fully understand, imo.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Never be afraid to treat people the way they treat you
S, TWITTER:
Ignoring abuse won't make it go away.
S, TWITTER:
Don't allow others to dictate to you about how you feel or are suppose to feel, about your Abuser and the Abuse you receive.
C.G. Jung Foundation, TWITTER:
"Do not compare, do not measure. No other way is like yours. All other ways deceive and tempt you. You must fulfill the way that is in you."
Ranal Currie, TWITTER:
If you never let things go, you'll be dragging them around forever.
Ranal Currie, TWITTER:
Whatever occupies your mind, controls your life.
Ranal Currie, TWITTER:
Everything life has taught me has made me a better person.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Telling ourselves "I am safe" may not help when we're having a flashback-- our nervous system may not quite believe us.
Listing concrete, demonstrable ways we KNOW we're SAFER than we were back then might work better than a flat, blanket "I'm safe" assurance.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
Survivors are held accountable for not thwarting perpetrators, but perpetrators are not held accountable for abusing.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
The real flex is listening to understand and empathize without taking on their energy and emotions and without trying to solve their problems.
Narcopath Info, TWITTER:
Narcissists create chaos so they can then ‘rescue’ you.
Narcopath Info, TWITTER:
There is no lowest point with conscience defective characters
Narcopath Info, TWITTER:
And some ppl are just plain old attracted to psychopaths b/c they mistake the lack of conscience for strength & confidence.
Narcopath Info, TWITTER:
Don’t let your empathy turn yourself into an enabler.
- Dr Ramani
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Never discredit your gut instinct. You are not paranoid. Your body can pick up on bad vibrations. If something deep inside of you says something is not right about a person or situation, trust it.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You know that thing from childhood where a bully will hold a kid down & force them to smack themselves w/ their own hand, while bellowing "QUIT HITTING YOURSELF, WHY YA HITTING YOURSELF"?
The culture does this every f*ckin' day to complex trauma survivors.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
The real flex is being humble, calm and kind whilst taking no shit and setting strong boundaries to protect your soft heart.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
Normalize seeing someone's lack of effort as their lack of interest in you regardless of what they tell you. If they wanted to, they would. Period.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
The more you heal, the more you choose peace over drama and distance over disrespect.
🌳., TWITTER:
Self-care is knowing your emotional triggers and not surrounding yourself with energy that deliberately provokes them..
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
I don't distance myself from anybody to teach them a lesson, I distance myself because I finally learned mine.
Written Notes, TWITTER:
Closure is a scam. Accept what they did and move on.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Your character will outweigh any lie told about you. Those that know you, know you. And those that don’t truly know you, their judgment isn’t valid.
S, TWITTER:
No one escapes abuse untouched. We carry those scars with us, whether our abuser is in our physical lives or has been gone.
Abuse violates U in many ways. It leaves imprints of emotional scars in your nervous system. No matter who abused U, no matter how long,
ABUSE CHANGES YOU
The Psychotherapist, TWITTER:
When you are addicted to being in a toxic relationship, you've become desensitized to pain and suffering. You're able to endure the verbal or physical assault because deep down, you don't see yourself as deserving any thing better.
You're not in love, you're in trauma. Heal.
C.G. Jung Foundation, TWITTER:
"Life really does begin at forty. Up until then, you're just doing research." - C.G. Jung
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Behind healthy relationships are: difficult conversations, breakdown of egos, and a commitment to love as mutual evolution.
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
May you never have to sacrifice your mental health for a paycheck.
Narcopath Info, TWITTER:
It's mind-blowing the damage psychopathy causes.
Yvette Cendes, TWITTER:
Reminder: abusers are very rarely mean to EVERYONE, else they'd never get anywhere. So if your reaction to disturbing news a victim tells you is "but Person X was always nice to me!" well, congrats, you just made the victim feel worse bc the abuser CAN be nice but chose not to be
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Standing up for yourself doesn't make you argumentative. Sharing your feelings doesn't make you oversensitive, and saying no doesn't make you uncaring or selfish. If someone won't respect your feelings, needs, and boundaries, the problem isn't with you.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
The older you get, the more you realize who your true friends are. It's not always about who has known you the longest, it's about who makes you feel seen, heard, understood, appreciated, supported and loved.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
One thing I learned about life is people gone people. And imma people too.
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
Distance yourself from people who make you feel bad about yourself.
C.G. Jung Foundation, TWITTER:
"I cannot prove to you that God exists, but my work has proved empirically that the pattern of God exists in every man . . . Find this pattern in your own individual self and life is transformed." #CarlJung
Josh…, TWITTER:
I don’t know who needs to hear this but It is your life. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for living it your way.
Sigmund Freud | Philsopher & Neurologist ✍️, TWITTER:
We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Any loss you experience for speaking your truth isn't loss. It's alignment.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When we are conditioned to appease and to take care of other people’s emotions before our own as children, we learn to not trust ourselves as adults.
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
To love someone means to see them as God intended them.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Healing yourself can be offensive to people who benefited from your brokenness.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The final stage of HEALING is using what happened to you to help other people.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma's gonna try to tell you that sense of shame or worthlessness is about reality, your actual value as a human.
Trauma doesn't want you realizing that shame or worthlessness is really a SYMPTOM of trauma itself-- or that those feelings lessen & resolve as we recover.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
Being called “strong” is not a compliment.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is understanding that there is no closure with a narcissist.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Some people will believe anything about you as long as it's negative, but anything positive, they will question it.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
If others find your boundaries offensive.. Show them the door.
S, TWITTER:
Abusers thrive on others pain.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Only manipulators, narcissists, sociopaths and other toxic individuals would find your boundaries offensive. People who actually value a relationship with you will respect them...
(20.10.2022)
If we understand that self acceptance and self validation is the key - now self help appears as bad idea - that keeps us hooked to nitpicking and micromanaging our life and thoughts and keep us addicted in spinning hamster wheel of worry and trying to be perfect. If we are in situation - and we probably are since we read self help - is that there are far urgent needs than self help.
It is finances, shelter. Before working on our self esteem we need to feel safe in the world. Without self worth we won't have basis for anything higher up in the Maslow needs hierarchy.
For example - self help will instruct us to speak up and express our needs and wants. Yes - but this comes with understanding that other person is on par with us. So better term is negotiation. Self help is superficial. We need science - psychology - other than CBT - which explains more complex issues - from experts like Glasser who evaluated issues from all dimension - not only from one side like CBT.
Once we realize that we can trust ourselves - we can now notice much easily that good people and trusting people do make mistakes and that they are not precise all the time. We did not see this before due to trauma splitting. If someone was kind and nice -we would abolish all mistakes from them. Wrong information can be damaging even if it has good intentions behind it. Once we accept ourselves with our mistakes and flaws - we will notice in other people where we did not notice them before. And here is the crucial difference - that we self express, that we speak our our opinion, idea and experience - rather than being silent. People who were "friendly" but react in anger to our objections - are covert abusers, they are toxic. We could not notice this before because we would not self express. That is how we attract toxic people in our private circle. That is why CBT leads to people pleasing. With inability to self express - we end up trapped in contact with toxic people whom we cannot make boundaries by our opinion. Usually we will attract toxic borderliners who have strong opinions, focused empathy - and then be stuck with their orders, complaints, and endless criticism what is wrong with us and how we should be.
With empathy we do not go into Ad Hominem. Narcissists and borderliners us Ad Hominem.
Also when we accept our fears as something normal and nothing to fix - we will notice that other people are manipulative and annoying and self absorbed. The level how much they feel entitled will be more pronounced - and common sense tell us that we cannot expect other people be perfect. However any intolerance, judgement that is out of control and repetative - all red flags someone is abusive and it is best to avoid.
Mainly one thing that will resurface is conditioning and manipulation.
What we once were blind to see - will now become x-ray vision and visible. Now good and kind and quiet - previously seen as safe - now it potential abuser. Any someone who is seen arrogant on the other hand may require more analysis and check if is it really arrogance - it probably isn't. Before - the fear of not talking and not expressing was seen as sickness and something to overcome and label as crazy - now is seen as alarm of toxic person that requires attention.
Whereas before I would stay with toxic - now I will not stand it and I will repel it by allowing myself to avoid - where avoiding was previously labeled as sickness, something to conquer and ignore.
I have linked and associated social anxiety with my basic flaw, label that I am weak, umnanly, something to be ashamed about and hide it away and reject and conquer, destroy - in reality that fear and fears were trauma, it is trauma. It cannot be rejected, it is wound. It is not flaw - it is attack from external, nothing that I caused.
I write dreams all year - I have repetative dream which is actually my feelings in real life: that I have felt anxiety, shame, social anxiety using elevator at job - and that after break I would return to job and I would feel shame for being there, that others were seeing me. That is social anxiety but to me it feels like basic flaw, that I am not manly - and I feel ashamed for shame that is based on deep shame - and I do not see it as shame at all. I see it as proof I am not human enough, that I am basically wrong and I have to change myself to be normal by some unknown way - simply by feeling bad and ashamed for myself being myself. I do not see it neither as social anxiety, nor as trauma. I see it as sickness without labeling it as sick since that would be ashamed too. It is cover up, hidding it away from my eyes because I was conditioned to feel bad, weak and not accepted for these feelings of dread and potential attack from others.
Social anxiety is part of trauma. It is not something to have civil war with. It will not go away with shame. I can hide it away with avoidance or exposure - but it will still be deep inside me and re-surface when triggered, scared or in stress, or when I make mistakes.
Social anxiety stems from autonomous part of brain - I do not have control over it. I cannot switch it off by logic, I cannot remove it by self help, I cannot destroy it with self blame nor self hatred. Neither by feeling bad about it nor feeling more shame on the top of the present one mixed with fears.
Social anxiety is alarm system - it is activated due to Darwinism - where I am aware of danger and predators - now I am aware very acutely, I can sense fake people much more easily than others. I can sense covert abusers who appear as victims, but they control others through manipulation.
To turn of social anxiety alarm I need to feel basic safety in the world. That I feel man enough, that I do not need to prove it nor overcompensate my worth and prove it to others so that they never criticize me again. I need to know to feel, for real, that I am surrounded by love. First within me, intrinsic locus of control and self worth, so this means that I do not self-judge myself as criminal for having random mistakes and errors and fears which appear as being unmanly. Now I seek this security by self blame and self hate and by looking at others for approval and validation - since deep down I think I am faulty and wrong for having fears and anxiety.
I can test this easily - if I feel threat by someone's criticism - which is harder and scarier when their criticism targets my fears and traits. This means that I do believe them that I am criminal for having fears and errors, and that these fears and errors that I make are sign I am not worthy enough - that I am invalid.
Now it is clear that I will get addicted to anything which I try to resolve this basic wrogness. Self help primarily. I will volunteer to others nitpick more of my fears never ever actually resolving them - since there is no fear nor error. What appears as fear to me is trauma - it is external wound - relentless criticism when I was growing up where my psyche was never had chance to form shell and grow out into adult - while errors are not character flaw. Mistakes are natural product of doing something - which will be larger and big enough to spot when I do something new for the first time. Since I will not remove toxic people and toxic situations due to self blame and self hatred - I will constantly be at the mercy of other people who will place me all the time in new situations - which correspond to their chores and tasks and needs and wants - since if I am not sovereign in my head - toxic people will parasite over my control.
Then due to inability to self validate and self accept and defend myself - I will volunteer to parasites - I will invite them in to nitpick my fears, errors, trauma - and I will be hooked to their educations, explanations, knowledge to form reality in accordance to their explanations. When they get enough data, they will use personal knowledge of toxic shame toxic masculinity against me. They will see that I am obeying and silent when they use certain phrases and accusations and judgement. Like in Stanford Prison Experiment - control and manipulation while the target is volunteered to stay there due to money, safety, security. In such environment my only defense is autonomous system which will rebel and lead me to safety - that I turn within and reject outside world which is toxic and parasitical.
When shame stays inside logic - I will feel unsafe in healthy environment too and with healthy people too. And I will not notice them since I will be focused on my "errors" and basic flaws which I perceive as not being manly enough, for being coward. I will seek help - and as usual - the first responder to help are always parasites who's only purpose in life it to seek needy people to suck energy, money and focus so that they could fulfill Rescuer role inside Karpman Drama Triangle. They will appear that they are not aggressor - and I will accept them as my guide. A person who has no idea what is trauma, dysregulation and who will reinforce my own toxic shame - since they will mirror their own issues of deep seated hatred and feeling of being wrong - which they heal by giving unsoliticated advice to others.
Self help is not healthy and it is not self help at all. It is external wrong advice from Chad: worst possible advice from person who appears as superhuman god since they place themselves in superiority complex position by acting to be Jesus Christ saviour to mankind. There is no difference in cult and belonging to cult.
If I am not out murdering people, if I am not anti-social - there is no deep, there is no basic, there is no default wrongness with me. There is nothing to fix inside. Fears and errors are all external - they are not my character.
Instead of nitpicking my feelings, fears, emotions, how I am suppose to feel - I need to shift my focus on self-expression, my goals and tasks which are important to me to do.
I am in true control all the time. Toxic shame makes me believe I am not, that I am inept. However - what I spend most of my time - that is my control. I can look at anyone else - what they spend most of their time - that is their goal, control, mechanism, that is how they handle social anxiety, their trauma, their toxic shame. That what they do is either fighting it or ignoring it - reacting to it without noticing that it controls them still even if they think they shifted their focus away.
When we have intrinsic locus of control - decisions are not based on the worry and shame. When we are in toxic ambient - we are set up to be focused on toxic source. Either by fighting it or by ignoring it or by healing its toxicity. We spend money, time and focus on handling toxicity.
Problem is when we start to do healthy thing in toxic ambient - it will make us sick. That is why that is toxic ambient. It will make us slower sick if we fawn into it. But the result is the same - sickness. We will lose immunity, defense, like warriors' faces before and after the war.
That is why self help and psychiatry can be detrimental. When there is core issue of trauma - any "help" and any "advice" makes things worse. With soothing our natural emotions - which surface as lack of emotions, as said on one of the YT video about guilt - "Guilt is absence of something else." -- we will actually enable ourselves to stay in toxic ambient. We will become enabler of abuse. We won't do anything to cut toxic people off, we won't plane exit strategy. Instead we will crap fit into abuse.
Then when we try to micromanage our pleasantness and comfort in toxic ambient - we will spend time, focus, money, energy and health on toxic leeches and parasites. If we are not laser sharp directed in the correct problem: toxic people, trauma, toxic shame - all our attempts to manhandle uncomfortable feelings and stress will be futile and costly.
Any our nitpicking in toxic ambient with toxic person - will be at the cost of our mental health. The healthier response, the worst cost - we will lose our immunity first in keeping up borders. Our sanity next due to micromanaging.
Then, after the war is over - which will eventually finish due to any reason - we will copy paste our learned behaviour into all contact - good or bad. We will become monster, but from our perspective we will explain our insensitivity and inability to open and trust others as being healthy arrogant, cautious. In reality- our face will turn ugly, as if after the war.
We won't notice that healthy environment is truly safe and that our actions ought to be different with criminally insane.
This means our safety mechanisms are totally normal and healthy for us at that given time, when we are not able to escape or form our basis where we do not depend on toxic people.
There is nothing to fix. Triggers will be rude people who will then trigger a belief, deep core belief inside of trauma that I must fix something inside myself that is wrong and that has supposedly / apparanetly caused the assult. Any advice how to fix violene, abuse, aggression, any nitpicking about it - is further abuse of the target. The target did not cause someone to be evil. The evil person is choosing to act on violent impulses, it is abuser's choice. The target did not provoke the abuse.
Since most people are cowards and conform and try to avoid them being the target, accepted norm in society is to blame the target. And that target somehow is guilty, that something inside the target caused the abuse. Then what happens - the target ends up with trauma, social anxiety, toxic shame, deep sense that there is something horrible wrong inside which is non-acceptable and that must bi fixed in order to prove one's innocence and status.
Any advice about non-violent communication is unnecessary. Normal, healthy, sane people will already have it inside. It might be a good casual reminder - but in its essence it is unnecessary. Evil people will not read it, evil people will not want to know it, they will reject it and they spend their free time in building up the predatory agenda - not non-violence. If anything, non-violent instructions will give a lot of information to abuser how to blame victim for the abuse, how to gaslight the victim and turn the abuse upside down. Abuser will receive information to coercively control the target into silence and passivity for the sake of peace and non-violence. The abuser will continue to be violent but the abuser will use non-violence instructions to control others not to be violent.
The survivors of abuse are already silent and non-violent. Predators spend time studying their victims. They will not choose the victim who is talkative, who has strong financial support and nepotism background, someone who can influence the judicial/service apparatus. Predators will not pick up on bullies, they will pick up in calm ones, peaceful ones. Then the peaceful ones will belive that their trait, character is faulty and they will develop deep toxic shame about who they are. Non violence instructions will explain that there is some special way how to respond to abusers and that we need to spend money and start micromanaging in order to disover this special way how to retort to someone who is psychopathic.
In the end, non-violence instructions do nothing about the abuse nor abuser - but cause tremendous damage to victims and targets of abuse. Instruction to talk and be assertive will do nothing to predators but encourage their gaslighting skills, blaming and shaming. Any explanation will be further upgrade in blaming and shaming. Any instruction that forces us to shut up, not to self express, that labels cancelling abuser as bad, and any instruction telling us not to have natural responses to abuse and violence will do more damage to the healthy and sane person. We will end up hooked to toxic shame and trauma which will never end - we will believe there is something inside us which we must find that will somehow stop bad people and evil from manifesting itself. And that there is something wrong inside us that is causing bad people and evil to manifest. Evil will be triggered by the truth, by objective facts - since they live in darkness and secrecy and evil agenda which must not be exposed and seen.
Non violent instructions are great in healthy and sane environment - it is disaster when there are evil people, when there is toxic ambient.
When there is violence, when there is aggression, when there is evil, when there is toxic ambient - we are not the ones who are causing this evil. Our light is provoking evil not because the light is bad, or that is provoking - it is because the evil cannot stand the truth. When we are not allowed to speak the truth, evil will flourish. The act of speaking the truth is not evil, there is nothing wrong with it. With instruction to be non-violent in violent ambient we will end up fawning to evil. Predators are aggressive, they step over boundaries - they are not governed by common sense or rational thinking, they do not care about norms, other people's lives, ethics nor moral. They have evil agenda in their program that is executing. They are machines. Their violence and aggression turns other people into machines. In order to fight evil - we must become machine: through micromanaging. We suppress child parts, we suppress happinness and calmness and we are focused on finding out solutions while in the same time we are convinced that there is something inside us which is wrong that is causing this evil to manifest. With self blame and self hate (when we hate something unidenfied inside us or trait that is not approved by conformity such as being slightly feminine) we will develop toxic shame. With toxic shame we have mental illness inside us. Then we are no longer human, we are machine - we run on Charcot hysteria spasms, programs, executing inner critic, our actions and decisions are based on fears and anxieties - and most often we will choose immobility - and our creativity, ideas and self expression will be suppressed - even in times when there is calm, when we have time to be creative, find new ideas and when there is no evil to attack our self-expression. We will choose to be immobile, silent - since now trauma is stuck inside our body. We will make ourselves small at the expense of comfort of other people who might punish us or attack us as evil did once before. And we will live in hypnosis - we won't be aware that there is evil we won't be aware that we are stuck, we won't be aware that we have trauma - it will be normal day - to be zombie and do nothing and avoid any kind of action or decision - and if there is something to do, it will be to be perfectionist, to run program of fawning, to prove my worth to someone by being good, nice, hard working, and being afraid of criticism and nitpicking by someone. That is trauma, we won't notice dysregulation. We will only try to be normal and to follow guidlines - where non violence instructions are our guide - in which we will hold our part of bargain - being small and not moving and not taking - where the evil will not seek any help, will not inform how to act - they will not follow any kind of rules of social contracts.
Any act of asking - is form of aggression. Any action is form of evil. Any asking for our needs - will and can be interpreted as evil and aggression by someone. When we are traumatized - we stay stuck in belief that our need, asking, any action - is evil. And now non-violence instruction tell us double binding: that we must ask for our needs but in the same time that we cannot control other people - that we cannot depend on other people, that we cannot ask other people - since evil people will label our actions and asking as evil and violence.
The one and only problem with evil and violence is pathological lying. That is not covered up in any non-violence instructions. There is always presumed sanity in all people involved. That evil and violent people have rational minds and that they are prone to be stand corrected. They will apologize and say sorry - only if it is part of their agenda - to look good in judicial eyes of public. Empathy is act, it is laser sharp channeled action that serves their purpose.
The only weapon we can have with evil and abusers - in situations where obviously we cannot cut contact and run away from them as far as possible to door slam them - is our voice, our alarm system which is going on in full strength inside when we feel panic attack and anxiety. Any instruction that there is something inside us that we must fix - when we are social, sane, friendly, open and non-violent - is virus instruction. Our non-violence is being used against us by the evil. Good intentions are path to hell. Predators do not deserve to be among healthy population, they cannot change and they are dangerous to anyone. Idea to fawn to them will be at the cost of our mental health, finances, shelter, security. We cannot change anything inside us to change predators, evil. We do not have powers to do that. Our thoughts cannot change evil. Our actions cannot change evil. Our words can defend ourselves at some level - however evil is evil - it can hold grudge, backstab - do any damage at any time without warning. That is why it is evil. It is opposite from anything decent and good. We cannot chip off our goodness from our mental health and plaque it on the evil in order to heal it or mend it or change it into good. We do not have that kind of power. We are not saviours, we are not gods, we are not police, we are not judicial system. There is only so much that we can do. I would place escape from toxic ambient as our primary life project - that might last for lifetime if we live in poor settings, financially and or morally poor.
Fawning is safety mechanism, trauma response which will allow us to survive in toxic ambient. However it is not functional - since we are not doing what we are suppose to do - we are not basing our actions nor decisions on our self. We fawn to others instead. The problem is trauma which implanted toxic shame inside us - which does not allow self to self-express. For example, that I accept find other job which is not accepted by toxic people around me, who would disapprove it. Or if I have no shelter I cannot do what I like - I must fawn to do things I do not like to survive. Again, toxic ambient is problem.
The important detail is that fawning is not wrong. Fawning is not basic character trait - it is survival mechanism. With trauma and toxic shame I believe that fawning is my character and that it is wrong. Then I feel hamster wheel of toxic shame, spinning around in endless circle since I am convinced that somehow I can change evil by finding just about correct mechanism - other that of fawning which I feel embarrased about, and which I cannot change - since I would lose job, I would be punished if I stop fawning.
Any explanation that our actions as victims and survivors of abuse - is conditioning. There is nothing that we can do to prevent the abuse. There is nothing magical that we can learn that we do not already know through empathy. There is nothing wrong with us. We did not cause the abuse. Any explanation that we must do something - is hypnosis, conditioning and it is contributing to the abuse. Anything that we fawn to evil will be at the cost of our mental health.
Non violence instructions which are actually intended to evil people - will not reach them at all. Instead it will reach good and nice people and they will soak up instructions which are intended for psychopaths - someone without empathy. Nice and good people will get instruction that they must be silent and to listen to others without having space to speak up their side of story. Empaths will not get instructions which they need - to document the abuse, to speak up and to cut contact with toxic people. We need all our emotions, we need defense - without it we will castrate ourselves. Non violence is already inside us, we do not need to highlight it and force it in toxic ambient where predators are only determined to destroy. The system needs to handle predators - institutions, prisons, mental institutions. We cannot build ourselves these, we cannot train the guards and mental workers - that is something that system is doing.
Non violence instruction is not applicable to small real life situations where the settings are complex and where we cannot think in world in black or white. What we do for defense may be labeled as violence - and then we will self sabotage ourselves. We may decide that talking is evil - since if we listen to evil side of story, predator will say that our talking is causing them to be evil - since they are pathological liar they will not speak the truth. So listening someone who is pathological liar is useless. We can caught someone in the lie only if we are not silent and if we are not compliant and when we do not sacrifice parts of our personality to fawn for the sake of peace and not rocking the boat. Evil will not rest. Evil will not forgive. Evil will not have empathy to stop.
What we need is better solution that of generic instructions. We need to turn within and let our common sense guide is - instead of set of restricted limited explanations and definitions which are not appliable in real life situations.
When we deal with evil - our actions, thoughts, decisions need to be different than when we communicate with someone who is healthy, sane, friendly, open. Our behaviour and thoughts are traumatized into fawning - which does not mean that we are bad or that something is sick. This fawning, any stress reaction is conditioning and normal reaction to toxic ambient. Fawning and trauma response occurs when we basically believe we are not safe and that our core self is not normal. When we accept ourselves as normal and acceptable, that there is nothing wrong inside us - we will be able to see that we have other options at hand - which may include the risk of being labeled as evil or difficult, or arrogant - by evil people. They gaslight, they label - in order to ashame their victims. They are using our natural urge to be good and not to cause any damage to others against ourselves. Predators will use our inborn non violent structure of thinking and commanding our behaviour - against ourselves. They will label something about us as what we find morally and ethically non acceptable and thus control us. This way - our moral standards work against us.
With any high moral and ethical standards - the truth is that micromanaging is doing far more damage than actual good - it is in fact destroying mental health. And also suppressing emotions for the sake of peace and not rocking the boat and accomodating the abuser to feel good - leads to mental illness.
Social anxiety is the battle of two forces: empathy versus trauma of bad experiences. It is battle between our high moral and ethical standards versus our common sense, common intuition where we sense someone or something is evil due to previous experiences.
When our panic gets activated, instead of accepting it as trigger and danger sensing - our empathy will explain us that other people are wounded too and we need to be patient with them - even though they are not patient with us. Our high moral and ethical standards will explain that we need to be strong and that we need to be this or that, and that feeling scared will not help us in life, so it is something to be cured and removed, especially when other people explain to us that we are too this or too that, that our feelings are something to be bothered with which is totally irrelevant. So even though we are not anti-social, even though we are not violent, even though we are not harming anyone nor we have any hidden agenda or control or manipulation - we are labeled as criminal, something disgusting, our character is equated to horror, something to reject, hide and to be ashamed about.
 |
| Short and true story why groupthink, herd mentality and conformism is dysfunctional and leads to enabling a crime. |
S, TWITTER:
Abusers know how to play the system like a violin.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Certain people and their energy can block you from expanding, elevating, and vibrating higher... Detach and protect your energy.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma survivors aren't vulnerable to addiction or eating disorders because we're weak-willed-- it's because when feelings & memories are this painful, we'll do almost ANYTHING to avoid them.
Avoidance is often the only strategy we see to remain even SOMEWHAT functional.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It can be ENORMOUSLY frustrating to trauma survivors who struggle w/ falling asleep or staying asleep, to be CONSTANTLY told how important sleep is.
Yes, we know. Believe me: no trauma survivor is skimping on sleep just to be difficult.
S, TWITTER:
Don't rely too much on the system to help you, because it works against you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You may never be good enough for some people, but you will always be simply amazing to the people who truly deserve you.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
May you manifest someone who loves every single cell of you. The warrior, the gentle, the loving, the sexy, the comfy, the quiet, the talkative, the vulnerable, the bold, the sensitive, the nurturing and the powerful – the absolute whole, wonderful being you are.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
The deeper you heal the higher you raise the bar on who has access to you – doesn't matter who they are.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
The truth is that everything starts from the top. What determines your failure or success is your style of leadership and the chain of command that you design.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Our world will never be trigger proof. This is why learning to create safety in your own body, creating boundaries, and learning to work through your triggers is so important.
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
Behind most narcissists, there is an enabler or encourager who's personality disorder is often more concealed than that of the narcissist themselves. This person can take the form of a mentor or "supportive" parent and will usually be the last layer of sickness a target uncovers.
The encourager/enabler will support or even nudge forward the narcissist's predatory behaviors towards others, provide validation in the face of criticism when the narcissist is exposed, and provide a financial safety net to protect the narcissist from consequences.
Often, this sick relationship dynamic achieves a state of emotional symbiosis...the enabler needs the narcissist as much as the narcissist needs the enabler. This is by design on the enabler's part and, ironically, often becomes their downfall as their "Frankenstein" bleeds them.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
The more you heal, the less you see disagreement as an attack. Everyone is unique and gains experience and insights from their journey. Also, as you grow, you will disagree with previous versions of yourself. Respect yourself and others, agree to disagree, and adjust accordingly.
Psychology Papers, TWITTER:
Be crazy enough to know you can do anything you want in life.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. LCSW, TWITTER:
how long in or after the abuse did you realize you were a victim of coercive control??
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. LCSW, TWITTER:
Coercive Controllers are charming, inauthentic, manipulative, exploitative, sadistic, unempathic, cruel, and machiavellian.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
You can disagree with a person & still respect them.
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
In toxic relationships, unpleasant emotions are stigmatized. Admitting struggles is a source of shame.
In healthy relationships, unpleasant emotions are accepted. Expressing pain makes people feel seen.
Support is not telling people what to feel. It's showing them you care.
Josh…, TWITTER:
If someone treats you bad, just remember that there is something wrong with them, “not you”. Normal people don't go around destroying other people.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Panicking because someone else is in a bad mood is a trauma response. Your little self was always looking for safety and you feel unsafe when somebody’s mood changes because you are unsure what will happen next.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Today I tested positive to not giving a fu@k
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Stop apologizing for all kinds of stuff you don’t need to apologize for.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Allow your rage to propel you into a woman who knows what she will accept and let’s nothing less into her universe.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
If having an opinion and speaking up for yourself makes you harder to be around for some people? They are not your people.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Whatever chronic illness your body is holding onto… look to the childhood trauma. We don’t just develop deep unwellness for no reason.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
In every moment you have a choice. Do I pick fear? Or do I pick love?
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
If you were manipulated by a #narcissist your kind, open-hearted nature was used and abused. Don’t feel shame for not recognizing that. ‘Humans’ are not supposed to be that way. Nothing trains us for those levels of manipulation.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
If your feelings were never acknowledged as a child this will have a profound impact on your ability to express yourself authentically.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
It’s time to stop holding onto SHAME. Shame was GIVEN to you and it’s not yours to keep.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Go ahead and decide exactly what kind of life you want for yourself and then say NO to everything that doesn’t fit into that picture.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Don’t let the people who never look at themselves or their own lives give you advice about ANYTHING!
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Repressed anger becomes grief, sadness and depression. Turn that anger into a roaring lion and let it propel you into living an incredible life.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
You are not stupid, hopeless, pathetic, whatever…these are labels given out by people conditioned to think that abuse is okay. Your truth is that tiny baby who arrived here with no labels and no conditioning. That’s who you really are. Get back to your truth. Forget the rest.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
The people in my life who were abusive, manipulative, abandoning, DID NOT break me. They showed me EXACTLY what I will never accept for myself or my life ever again.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
When someone makes you feel small & worthless you are actually allowing that to happen on some level. Your nervous system has been trained from childhood. You can unlearn that response & relearn NEVER allowing another person to ‘make’ you feel anything about yourself.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
If you are spending time around people who put you into the FREEZE response where you never speak your truth…you are hanging out with the wrong people.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
If you went through childhood trauma you might still be living every day in fear. FEAR might be ruling your life. Every thought, decision, reaction is still being made through the lens of fear.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
The world wants us to fit into this cookie cutter idea of the perfect human. And so we spend our lives striving for that in order to be lovable, acceptable and enough. But remember…what’s in your heart is way more important than your job, your possessions, your bank account.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
When we only show others the parts of ourselves we know they will accept, we are attracting people to an unrealistic version of who we are. Everybody is doing it. It’s no wonder we live in such a disconnected world.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Before you judge someone, understand that your reality is not their reality.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
When you grow up in chaos, chaos becomes your normal. As an adult you see relationships with chaotic people as familiar and so the cycle continues.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Trauma is held in the body. You need to release it by moving your body every day, otherwise it stagnates and festers. Even if you can’t leave the house, find something online that allows your body to RELEASE that trauma.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Some people will NEVER see anything from your point of view. They cannot see you. They will not hear you. They won’t feel or acknowledge your pain. They are existing in tiny, conditioned and extremely small-minded worlds.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
If you are constantly looking for ways to feel safe in your life it’s because you grew up believing that safety wasn’t within your reach.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
One of the most confusing parts about being raised by narcissistic parents is that we learn that our role is to: achieve, appease, or perform. There’s such confusion when we reach adulthood because we don’t know who we truly are.
Narcissistic parents (NP) are wounded and have deep insecurities. This is why their children tend to become their source of self esteem.
This is a heavy burden for a child who is developing a personality and a sense of self.
Subconsciously, we begin to have a feeling that we must provide something to our parents. This depends on what the parent values most.
Some parents may value physical appearance (being “thin” or “pretty”), academic achievement, financial success…
Being a “good helper or good girl” etc.
We gladly take on and focus on these roles because we learn this is how we get our parents love or approval.
At the same time, love and approval is fleeting for narcissistic parents.
It’s conditional. Their own fragile sense of self and inability to regulate their emotions creates a cycle where we get their love, then they withdraw that love.
Ex: we get a bad grade and get the silent treatment, shaming, etc.
As children, this impacts our emotional development.
Rather than learning and discovering who we are we become a version of ourselves our parent needs us to be.
Many adult child of narcissistic parents are over achievers, caretakers, financially successful, physically beautiful— all the things their parent wanted.
Yet, within they’re anxious, depressed, and feel completely disconnected from life.
This is what happens when we don’t get a chance to develop our true sense of self.
We don’t know: Who we actually are. What we actually want. What our values are.
Healing is about self discovery. This is difficult because when we’re raised by a NP, their voice tends to be the voice in our heads.
Or, we’ve been conditioned to always seek their approval before making our own choices.
Breaking free from these patterns means setting boundaries and slowly developing the confidence to make decisions based on your own needs rather than the needs of a parent.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
I have said it before and I’ll say it again here. Internal validation & self-love will always put you in a better space regarding love. Stop placing your full validation/worth on if people find you attractive/like you or not. You cannot control how others will view you EVER.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Here’s what to say to someone you love who’s in crisis:
- “how can I support you?”
- “do you want me to just listen?”
- “do you want to talk about it?”
- “that sounds so painful.”
- nothing: just be in the quiet suffering.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
There are no reasons for abuse. You aren’t responsible for others harming you.
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
They would’ve kept lying if you never found out. Remember that. Narcissist start being honest when they know you know the truth.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
The narcissist will solve your problems in exchange for your soul.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
The Borderline wants you to solve their problems, the Narcissist is too grandiose & perfect to have problems.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Trauma is stored in the body and reveals itself in relationships.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
You shouldn't have to tolerate or justify their repeating pattern of unpleasant behavior in order to get the pleasant stuff from them.
Josh…, TWITTER:
I can no longer afford anything that costs me my peace.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
Unhealed trauma can have you mistaking calm and healthy relationships as boring and unexciting because you're too used to the drama and turbulence of toxic relationships.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Maybe the saddest part of childhood trauma is that it robs you of your ability to trust that people (actually) love you.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
The universe is not your Santa Claus. It's here to make you more conscious. It will keep giving you lessons until you learn them. You don't repeat the same lessons, you repeat the same vibrations. Learn your lessons to raise your vibration. Take it vibrationally, not personally.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Normalize: listening to people express how they feel without giving advice, trying to change it, or attempting to fix it.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
CPTSD happens when we experience chronic loneliness, disconnection, shame, or emotional abuse. Many adults aren’t aware they’re having trauma responses, not inherit personality traits.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Emotional reactions DON'T represent conscious, reasoned choices.
Don't judge 'em-- or yourself-- as if they do.
And DON'T beat yourself over the head w/ how "appropriate" an emotional reaction is or isn't.
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
Don’t let us forget that the causes of human actions are usually immeasurably more complex and varied than our subsequent explanations of them.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The future of mental health will involve: nervous system awareness, gut health, community support, and trauma healing. Rather than fixing or suppressing symptoms, it will be about unlearning our conditioning and returning to our authentic selves.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The faker you are the bigger your circle ⭕ will be. The realer you are, the smaller your circle ⭕ will be; These are well-known facts.
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
One does not fall out of love with a narcissist; instead, one falls into the realization that a narcissist isn't capable of love.
Lex Fridman, TWITTER:
Anger, pain, resentment, and even hate are best healed through compassionate conversation, not through censorship and derision.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
All parents will emotionally hurt their children, will fail to meet all of their needs, and will project their pain. Parents are human beings— not machines. Adulthood is about taking responsibility for your life & giving yourself what a parent couldn’t.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Be aware of people who are in your circle but not in your corner.
Art Of Philosophy, TWITTER:
Don't complain. Just rebuild your life.
S, TWITTER:
No matter how nice you are to some people, some people are just evil.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Self-care is how you take your power back! 😁
Lana Horowitz, TWITTER:
If someone tells you they're being abused by a narcissist or sociopath and your 1st reaction is to think they're lying to you because the alleged abuser is such a "great, nice person"... think again.
Superficial charm is one of the top criteria for both disorders.
~Unknown~
Jacklena Bentley, TWITTER:
You were never unlovable. Some people are just incapable.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
In truth, the use of honesty is indeed a power strategy, intended to convince people of one’s noble, good-hearted, selfless character. It is a form of persuasion, even a subtle form of coercion.
S, TWITTER:
Let's speak the truth.
The majority of people don't care if you and I or anyone is abused. They will never care unless it effects them.
Since that's the case, how is abuse ever going to be dealt with?
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
Normalize trusting your intuition. If your body says no to a situation, person or place - remove yourself immediately.
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
Besides, nowadays, almost all capable people are terribly afraid of being ridiculous, and are miserable because of it.
Josh…, TWITTER:
I became unreachable to those that had all access and abused it.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Thinking that everyone is mad at you all the time is a trauma response.
S, TWITTER:
Abusers have no fear of the law, because they know nothing will happen to them.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic people condition you to believe the problem isn't the abuse itself, but instead your reaction to their abuse.
Be prepared.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
If someone communicates their boundaries, that is them trying to keep you in their life, not push you away!
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We need to start talking about how childhood trauma changes the way our brain develops. Specifically an overactive amygdala (fear center) of the brain that will process (perceived) threats more frequently and more intensely.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
People who want you in their life will respect your boundaries and rights, always.. without question. The end.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is understanding that some people use positivity in order to avoid emotions & reality.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You bet life becomes pretty unbearable when trauma has convinced you that you can't rest, you can't trust, you can't love, & you can't be loved.
It's all BS (Belief Systems), but it all feels VERY real-- & changing it is often complicated & tiring.
I know. But hang in.
Jacklena Bentley, TWITTER:
Maybe your final stage of healing is telling someone to f*** off.
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
To go wrong in one's own way is better then to go right in someone else's.
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
The secret of man's being is not only to live but to have something to live for.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Many highly sensitive children are subconsciously targeted by an immature parent. They might mock, tease, or tell the child they’re being too sensitive. The child learns their emotions are bad and it’s not safe to express them to people they love.
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
A hobosexual narcissist falls in love faster than anyone you will ever meet. However, they don't fall in love with you; they fall in love with their own need to have a place to stay. Your home is their source of supply and they will gladly proclaim to "love" you for access to it.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We lose our ability to find solutions when our nervous system is activated. The body has only 2 goals: conserve energy and survive. Learn to watch the emotions come and go before making any decisions. When regulated, you’ll have more access to logic.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
What is a predatory narcissist?
Predatory Narcissists The narcissist has a deep need for attention and admiration. He believes he is superior, and has little regard for the feelings of others. His mental illness creates destruction for those around him.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Unlearning destructive "coping" skills is a bitch when were weren't taught anything better-- or anything at all-- to handle our feelings.
It's a very real problem-- & one the world doesn't wanna hear about. It just wants us to be "normal," whereas we just want to SURVIVE.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
You cannot control your emotions but you can REGULATE them. This is called EMOTION REGULATION. Emotion regulation is a person's ability to manage and respond to emotions/stress. People unconsciously use emotion regulation strategies to cope many times throughout each day.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
Stay far away from people who think they’re entitled to you/your time/your kindness.
Dr. Thema, TWITTER:
Aren’t you glad you stopped clinging to crumbs?
You remembered or realized for the first time that you’re worthy of a feast.
Love looks good on you.
Voltaire | Writer & Philosopher, TWITTER:
“Fools have a habit of believing that everything written by a famous author is admirable. For my part I read only to please myself and like only what suits my taste.”
S, TWITTER:
The more of yourself you give to someone who is a bully or an Abuser, the more they will hurt you.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Emotional neglect leaves invisible scars: the inability to know what you feel, the confusion of if your feelings are valid, and the belief that no one cares about them, anyway.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
When you are kind to an abusive person that’s a trauma response. Your nervous system kicks in and you do and say things that keep you safe from the imminent threat of harm. Fawn is an alternative to fight flight or freeze.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When predicting & adapting to someone else's emotional state was a SURVIVAL skill in your house growing up, you BET we're gonna be hypervigilant to the TEENIEST shift in someone's mood or energy in adulthood.
Highly sensitive people don't happen by accident.
S, TWITTER:
Abusers are never happy. Have you noticed it?
If you truly observe an Abuser and analyze their behavior, gloom and misery are just a few of the components of their biological make up, aside from their anger, toxicity, venomous, abuse etc...
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Kindness is the highest form of emotional intelligence.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
At the root of all our behavior, even dysfunctional behavior is an attempt to stay safe.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
Normalize not feeling bad for removing yourself from people who didn't feel bad for hurting you.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
As you become more emotionally healthy, being around unhealthy people will feel more intense or overwhelming. This is just your deeper level of awareness. And it’s a great opportunity to practice responding in new ways to these people.
Master 🦋, TWITTER:
Introverts are not shy, they observe. Your actions, your expressions, your tone, and the meaning behind the meaning of your words. They may seem shy on the outside, but believe me they're running a psychology marathon in their heads.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
The older you get, the more you realize some relationships end because they are temporary people who taught you permanent lessons. It's crazy how peaceful life becomes when you start learning, healing, and raising the bar on who has access to your body, heart, and soul.
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
Loyalty should never come at the expense of integrity.
Anyone who asks you to violate your values doesn’t deserve your allegiance. Respecting your boundaries is a foundation of trust.
The people worthy of commitment expect you to stand by your principles, not conform to theirs.
Gaslighting Effect, TWITTER:
Narcissistic traits are considered the norm, so narcissistic abuse will be sensationalized and narcissistics will live to destroy this world.
EMPATHS have been projected upon by narcissists since the beginning of man.
With no narcissistic traits in a world they don't belong
Gaslighting Effect, TWITTER:
A fine balance of ethics, morals, and values is the way we should be living, governed by the laws of humanity.. but sadly, things didn't quite work out that way.
Because so many in positions of power, control, and influence are narcissists
Froylan Barrera, TWITTER:
Spot on. They seek out positions of service (politicians, mental health professionals, teachers, military, government, law enforcement, judicial), but it is not service to their communities they care about. Instead it is power, ruling, authority, and control. It’s all around us.
illuminatibot, TWITTER:
When exposing a crime is treated the same as committing a crime, you are ruled by criminals.
Crouch starts with the distinction the anthropologist Ruth Benedict popularized, between a guilt culture and a shame culture. In a guilt culture you know you are good or bad by what your conscience feels. In a shame culture you know you are good or bad by what your community says about you, by whether it honors or excludes you. In a guilt culture people sometimes feel they do bad things; in a shame culture social exclusion makes people feel they are bad.
This creates a set of common behavior patterns. First, members of a group lavish one another with praise so that they themselves might be accepted and praised in turn.
Second, there are nonetheless enforcers within the group who build their personal power and reputation by policing the group and condemning those who break the group code. Social media can be vicious to those who don’t fit in. Twitter can erupt in instant ridicule for anyone who stumbles.
Third, people are extremely anxious that their group might be condemned or denigrated. They demand instant respect and recognition for their group. They feel some moral wrong has been perpetrated when their group has been disrespected, and react with the most violent intensity.
https://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/15/opinion/the-shame-culture.html
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Not everyone wants to wake up.
S, TWITTER:
Abusers are not well in the head!
Normal people don't set out to hurt others. You have to have some kind of brain damage to be able to harm another person and cause them suffering.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
You know you are healing when you no longer find yourself arguing in conversations that you shouldn't even be in.
S, TWITTER:
We are human, we reach out to others for human compassion. It's ok
Whitney Goodman, LMFT, TWITTER:
when a therapist says, "you shouldn't suppress your emotions," that doesn't mean you should share your emotions with anyone, anywhere, anytime.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
The healthy man does not torture others – generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.
S, TWITTER:
I'm a deep thinker. When I met my Abuser, I thought same of him. Didn't realize back than, he was just repeating my words back to me.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Remember, people are gonna filter your story through their own feelings & beliefs about THEIR story.
They're gonna throw judgment & shame at you that has NOTHING to do with what you ACTUALLY went through or how you handled it.
Easy does it. Don't let it get in your head.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
As soon as toxic individuals find out you can't be manipulated, all of a sudden you're Crazy.... Be prepared..
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissists hate being challenged, they view your rights and boundaries as a personal insult to their superiority.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Practice the art of being assertive and direct without being hostile or aggressive.
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
The mood in the house depends on the narcissist. If the narcissist had a bad day so will you. You have to help them share their misery, if not don’t expect any peace.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Abused adults often don’t even know they were abused—they believe the treatment was “normal,” or what happens in families. Naming abuse (especially emotional abuse) and understanding dysfunction is key in their recovery.
S, TWITTER:
Abusers feel we deserve their rage.
Their thinking is distorted.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
If you hold your trauma deep inside because you are desperate to bury it, it can destroy you. That’s what chronic illness and mental illness is. Deeply buried trauma.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
A liar will get mad at you for knowing the truth.
Frederik Ribersson, TWITTER:
Guilt tripping people into having no boundaries under the guise of calling it "empathy" is twisted manipulation.
jo, TWITTER:
Emotional, psychological abuse, Coercive Control are Invisible. This makes them a formidable tool to inflict pain, suffering & intimidation. This is the rich soil physical abuse can grow wildly from. It is extremely important that we start teaching, learning & criminalizing it.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Kindness and boundaries aren't mutually exclusive. You don't have to be ruthless to stand up for yourself. You simply must stop entertaining disrespect. You just refuse to engage people, places, and things that insult you or your energy.
Kalen Dion
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Trauma impacts neuroception: the ability to know if a situation is safe or dangerous. Ex: Trauma survivors interpret scowls or anger in facial expressions that are neutral.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Open and honest communications creates solutions.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
There’s a difference between bullying and holding someone accountable. It might seem like a thin line on social media but it’s there. Putting someone down for something they cannot Change/their circumstances is bullying. Telling someone their take is wrong/incorrect is not.
If we didn’t speak up against wrong/harmful takes —— people would actually believe these things could heal them. It’s against our code of ethics not to do so. That’s not bullying it’s our duty to our field. Just because you agree with someone doesn’t mean they’re right.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The simplest way to think of healing is: learning to accept every part of yourself—while understanding that most of what you believe and how you behave is conditioning that can be unlearned.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Our nervous system state creates: our thought patterns, how we communicate, what we see in our environment, and how we relate to other people. We aren’t the same person in fight or flight that we are within a parasympathetic (rest) state.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
You must practice and develop boldness. You will often find uses for it.
Sigmund Freud | Philsopher & Neurologist ✍️, TWITTER:
The challenge of leadership is to be strong, but not rude; be kind, but not weak; be bold, but not bully; be thoughtful, but not lazy; be humble, but not timid; be proud, but not arrogant; have humor but without folly.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Feelings are a life force. Intrinsically there is no “good or bad” binary regarding feelings. They just ARE.
Yes, some are more uncomfortable than others, but we can learn to be with them, as visitors from beyond (as the great RUMI says).
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
So much of the time we are made WRONG for feeling.
Feeling, as long as we also learn how to regulate our feelings, is probably one of the healthiest things we can do for our mental wellness.
Mark Manson, TWITTER:
Unpopular opinion: social media hasn't ruined us—it's just revealed how awful we always were.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Adult children of dysfunctional homes develop an over-sense of responsibility at a young age. They become responsible for caretaking their parents emotions and issues. They find partners who give them emotional breadcrumbs because it’s all they’ve known.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
People’s behavior is a reflection of how they feel about themselves.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
"Good girl" conditioning is messaging we receive beginning in childhood to be: agreeable, polite, and nice.
Many girls are told (directly or indirectly): to never show our anger, to allow people to violate our boundaries, and to hide our own needs to please others.
Young girls who take on these traits are rewarded in families as well as society.
They're often seen as "mature for their age."
This reinforces the the core belief that good girls are selfless.
Their worth comes from sacrificing their own needs to tend to the needs of others.
Being "good" comes at a price though because we aren't able to: say we are uncomfortable, tell someone no (set a boundary), or to express how we actually feel.
From a young age, many girls go into a freeze or a fawn trauma response because of this.
Ex: As a young girl you feel uncomfortable around your uncle. He drinks a lot and is loud and your intuition guides you to avoid him.
Your (well-meaning) mother senses your discomfort.
Rather than helping to guide you through those emotions, to validate you, and to teach you how to honor your own boundaries: she tells you that you have to give him a hug.
It's polite.
And, she tells you that you can't "look rude."
The messaging is clear: external appearance is more important than internal feelings.
No good girl can appear rude.
As she hugs him, her body goes into freeze. Slowly, she's learning to disconnect from her emotions to appease those around her.
As these situations occur throughout her childhood, the good girl comes to believe that her role in a social setting is to be liked.
This leads to hypervigilance or what's commonly referred to as "social anxiety."
Her focus is on what other people think of her, how he looks physically, and if she's being well received.
This will show up clearly when she begins to date and rarely checks in with how she actually feels. Her focus is on if she's chosen about all else.
When she isn't in a freeze (dissociated state), she's in a fawn state. Appeasing, going along with, and avoiding conflict.
Good girls don't learn important relational skills like: voicing their needs, placing boundaries, and conflict resolution.
So, they fear their anger. They believe that anger is a sign something is wrong with them.
Anger is actually an important human emotion that shows us when our boundaries have been violated.
Healing from good girl conditioning can be a lifelong process.
You'll notice is when: you feel bad asking for a waitress to fix you order, when you over-explain that you can't attend an event, when you automatically defer to someone else's opinion.
How to heal:
1. Learn to set boundaries
2. Learn what your needs are and practicing voicing them: "I need some space"
3. Honor any emotions you feel
4. When you can't or don't say to do something avoid over-explaining: "That sounds great, I can't make it."
5. Understand it's ok for adults to be disappointed. Your role isn't to never upset anyone
6. Remind your inner child you're safe now
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Manipulation and control can be considered a 'theft' of 'individual rights' to freely make good sound choices for the direction of their own life.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You got your "closure" the moment they treated you as if you weren't worthy of basic human decency, dignity and respect.
Lana Horowitz, TWITTER:
Being in any kind of relationship with a narcissist means that you can never truly relax.
~Annie Kaszina~
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
People with a narcissistic personality disorder are “criminals” even if they do not ever get arrested. Their “sense of entitlement,” “unreasonable expectations” and “lack of sensitivity to the rules of others” result in injury to others.
https://psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inside-the-criminal-mind/202002/the-narcissist-criminal
They just vilify their victims so they take the blame instead of holding the REAL CRIMINALS accountable...
Uncovering Annette, TWITTER:
I have no problem whatsoever, exposing a narcissistic predator and fraud. Don't ever fuck with me.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissists use Victims as scapegoats to cover for their own crimes..
Toxic Personalities hate accountability.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Complex trauma ISN'T a personality flaw.
It's a pattern of emotional, behavioral, relational, and physical dysregulation that happens when trauma happens TO us-- usually over time, almost always in relationships, usually without the possibility of escape for long stretches.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is understanding the emotional signal instead of reacting to the external noise.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Blog: "People who cheerfully tell us “healing starts with FEELING!” don’t know what they’re asking.
Many people reading this have felt overwhelmed by their feelings for years."
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
Privacy is power, you don't need to broadcast everything that goes on with you. Keep your plans and your personal life private – people can't f*ck with what they don't know.
Fascinating, TWITTER:
Quality work always takes time.
Reggie Mills, TWITTER:
never beg someone to see your worth
Reggie Mills, TWITTER:
when people treat you like they don’t care, believe them.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Adults who’ve lived through parental abuse and neglect are usually eventually diagnosed with a mental health disorder: anxiety, BPD, depression. These are adaptations and responses to lived experiences.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The future of mental health care won’t be: “what’s wrong with you” or what disorder you’re diagnosed with. It will be: “what happened to you?” And, “that makes a lot of sense that you feel that way.”
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We don’t just inherit eye color and hair color from our parents. We inherit: communication skills, coping mechanisms, and core beliefs. Awakening is about unlearning them to consciously create life on your own terms.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
crazy how peaceful life becomes when you start ignoring and stop returning energy
Josh…, TWITTER:
People who do not understand your silence will never understand your words.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
When you start to realize a lot of people are emotionally wounded children in adult bodies, you stop taking so much shit personally.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You're only crazy to people who can't manipulate you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Workplace Bullies are not interested in working things out or compromise. They are only interested in power, dominance and control over the targets.
They are adults with the 'mental capacity' of two year olds in a schoolyard...
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
I hate being micro-managed. If you tell me a specific way to do something — I’m not doing it. Especially if it’ll be done just fine if I do it my own way. Micro-managing is just another term for controlling perfectionism. Get somebody else to do it.
You won’t impose your unrealistically high expectations on me. I give myself grace.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Your trauma is not a punishment. That’s not the way universe works.
While good things don’t always happen, and many times “bad thing happen to good people”
it is NOT happening because you are wrong or broken or punishable.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
When you’re actively working on your healing and you’ve done the work to change your behaviors — being around people who haven’t or aren’t doing the work will sometimes trigger you.
Removing yourself from situations where you sense you’ll be triggered is an active use of avoidance.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When we don’t know how to authentically connect with people: we can use gossip or mutual dislike of someone as emotional intimacy. This false self of closeness easily takes us out of integrity: spreading rumors, exaggerations, or damaging our own reputation.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
The toxic person will accuse you of playing games when you set boundaries with them.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Stop giving your soul to someone who is giving you breadcrumbs.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Trying to fix and save other people is a trauma response. ‘If everyone is happy, I am safe’. You can support, guide, listen but it’s not your job to save another human. Only they can do that.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Shame has never and will never motivate change. The way to motivate change in people is to inspire them— to give them a glimmer of hope and affirmation that their life has meaning.
Master 🦋, TWITTER:
Never "fact check" an introvert. They don't just say things. They've read, researched, reflected, and watched the 8 hr documentary twice before they even open their mouth. Your facts come from Ted-talks. They've been to the deepest darkest rabbit holes. We're not the same.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is when you block the unnecessary drama from your life.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
You can’t police how a person responds after you harm them.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
Healing makes you realize some people don't deserve to be around you, no matter how much you love them. Unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional tolerance of abuse, disrespect, or bullshit - it's not unconditional boundaries.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
Oversharing is common for someone who has lived with trauma inside of them and has not been believed. Their hope is that finally being believed will calm their inner dialogue riddled with shame. The reality: It will.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Certain "little" things can trigger the hell out of complex trauma survivors. Someone reading a message but not responding right away can totally trip that "I'm in trouble/I'm about to be abandoned" reflex-- & once we're in that headspace, it's EXTREMELY tough to pull out of it.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
Just because someone wasn’t abusive to YOU does not mean they aren’t abusive.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Children raised in unpredictable, chaotic, and unsafe environments can become adults addicted to their own stress hormone response.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissists don't respect anyone's boundaries.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Understanding addiction as a disease was the beginning step of reducing stigma. Now, we can begin to see addiction through a trauma lens: an act of self soothing and nervous system regulation.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Childhood trauma doesn’t come back as a feeling, it comes back as a reaction. When people look like they’re “overreacting” to something: they’re not. They’re reacting to the core wound. Ex: “You didn’t do the dishes again! What’s wrong with you!”
Can actually mean: “You didn’t consider me. This brings me back to other times I wasn’t considered. I'm afraid I don’t matter to you, and this is proof of that.”
Friedrich Nietzsche | Philosophy & Psychology 🧠, TWITTER:
When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
As someone with social anxiety, before learning about NPD, I used to think this was a superpower that they had.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Stop saying "sorry" when you have done something with well-meaning intentions & someone else is choosing to be upset with it.
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
To a narcissist, "the narrative" is objective reality.
The older the narcissist, the less they realize that they are living within the confines of their own subjective constructs as, over time, they slowly lose the ability to discern the difference between them and real life.
I'm not triggered anymore. I'm exposing them, standing up for myself and confronting them legally.
Deep Maven, YT comment
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Sometimes, ANY trigger for ANY trauma response will go through our filter & come out as anger-- because our nervous system figures a good "fight" response will at least give us the chance to go down swinging.
Thing is, not every stressor REQUIRES us to put up our dukes.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
People need to be encouraged. People need to be reminded of how wonderful they are. People need to be believed in - told that they are brave and smart and capable of accomplishing all the dreams they dream, and more. Remind each other of this.
Aisis 🔮, TWITTER:
My past abusers willingly decide to not accept me as autistic so they don’t have to face the reality of how horrible they treated me. 1/
Purposely disrespecting my boundaries triggering me into meltdowns saying that they’re helping build me up while complaining I’m not doing anything to help myself to get better. How am I supposed to get better if you’re constantly putting me down? 2/
I tell them to respect my boundaries or leave me alone, but they won’t because they want to “help” me. “You’re so sensitive.” I’m autistic w limitations. What you’re doing isn’t helping me, it’s harassment and torture. 3/
“You’re always the victim.” I’m a human who’s autistic w specific needs, my feelings matter. Stop forcing me to conform to your allistic view of the world. My reality is different from your reality. To be ignorant of this is to be blind. 4/4
Master 🦋, TWITTER:
Introverts are not quiet, they avoid conflict. They know you're wrong. How you're wrong. Why you're wrong. And the history & psychology of all your wrongs. They may stay quiet. You may think they gave up & you won. But trust me they planned the end even before you began thinking.
Reva Steenbergen, TWITTER:
We, followers of Christ
We love
We forgive
That makes us vulnerable for animonisity and hate, because there's no fear of retaliation from us.
We don't seek revenge against evil, we seek to stop it.
Evil seeks revenge against all opposed to its' agenda
(4.11.2022)
With social anxiety we have war inside - we believe that something is evil inside us, due to conditioning. In reality - there is nothing evil inside, even at our worst time, we won't do anything evil. Due to trauma, we attack ourselves, like auto-immune disease or allergy, for things which are not neither evil nor dangerous or wrong. We believe that we are evil if we speak up - so we shut up. We believe we are arrogant if we make mistakes, we see it as attack on someone for making mistake - we do not see it as mistake. We believe we are cruel if we do something out of ordinary - we do not see it as alternative action. We see it all through the prism of evil - while in reality there is no evil at all. This belief of evil is stumping our growth, our actions and then our intellect does not follow our achievements in life. We stay behind and never ever think about it as being behind - we believe we went too far. We end up shooting our own foot, self sabotaging ourselves - while in reality evil people break the unwritten rules and succeed. Then everyone believes that evil people are achievers, they confuse their psychopathy with confidence - while we confuse our trauma with our shyness, introversion and being careful.
Just as healthy and correct and sane reaction to toxic people and toxic environment will cause us more damage than incorrect one (thus safety mechanisms are perfect reactions) - in the same way - any non violent instruction, any empathy overdose, any instruction how to be assertive - will cost us to destroy any minimum of boundaries that we may have collected. The instructions to be fair, good, nice, friendly, open - are poison to us, since we erridicated any possible means of protection against toxic people by now. That is why we feel anxiety - social anxiety is alarm that we do not have any defenses against parasites at all. We are simply too good for our own good. We are too perfect - with deep core shame and belief that we are not perfect - and CBT is instructing us to destroy any boundaries and to expose to toxic people even more by exposure and unnecessary assertiveness.
I said it before and I'll say it again - social anxiety is basic insecurity in anyone - due to trauma and abuse, the insecurity is not sign of weakness - and it is nothing to overcome. Trauma is reaction, it is not flaw in character, something to conquer and prove myself I am man enough. If I believe it is flaw in character - I will become people pleaser and afraid of people because I will lose belief in my basic self. I will let other people to decide what is correct since I will believe that I am inept to handle or manage life, that I must define anything through the prism of other people and their definitions and views - since I believe my basic self if weak, wrong, unworthy, something to reject and something that is broken, pathetic and embarrassing.
Narcissists feel defective as human being for having fears, sensitivity and insecurities - which they label as sissy, something to hide away and cover and mask with superiority complex.
Truly socially anxious one feel defective as the result of abuse and in the fear of punishment. This feeling of defectiveness is conditioning through abuse, criticism and control and manipulation. This is why the information about trauma works for socially anxious, while for narcissists trauma feels like irritation as it is seen as weak and something that uncovers their fake mask of grandiosity. Socially anxious ones do not fear being seen afraid, once they understood the difference and once they are educated about trauma and narcissism. That is why trauma will help those who are not mentally ill, who are not abusive and anti-social, those with pure hearts - and those who were never ever defective as human being - since there is nothing to fake, no need to abuse others, no need to control and manipulate once we understand the importance of being honest, authentic and not being afraid of mistakes and flaws.
This is why empathy and trying to be normal, part of herd mentality can be dangerous to us - we will try to fix ourselves and be preoccupied with trying to please others by being part of them - wheras we are totally normal and ok by being ourselves. When we feel there is someting to correct inside us - we will develop toxic shame and we will keep hanging up to nitpicking and controlling our traits, actions - which will make us feel scared, inhibited, as if there is something to be ashamed of, hide and fear criticism and negative evaluaton by others. Narcissists overcome criticism by being cruel, abusive and controlling. The society does not know the difference. Society will label cruelty as normalcy and shyness as defectivness. Cruelty is seen as normal since it produces: by being active we do at least something done. By speaking up we can make some kind of trade. If we are shy and scared - we are immobile and we self censor - good and bad people out.
The trick is to be ok with being shy and scared and still keep on doing what our goals are. Expressing our opinion will produce some kind of criticism -
narcissists resolve this issue through abuse and being cruel.
We can resolve this issue by realizing we are not guilty, we are not criminals and that we are allowed to self express. Narcissists will mess this process by labeling our self expression as evil, arrogance or even narcissism if they discover that we use narcissism as label for evil and disease.
With self blame and toxic shame we never break through - we stay stuck in shutting up and not self expressing ourselves and our actions and decisions, we don't take initiative so we never test what happens when we do speak up and take initiative in things which we like. That is crucial part - what we like. With toxic shame we do not know what we like. We define what we like through other people and trying to fit in and thinking what other people will appove before taking any action.
I see breaking through the ice by not being so nice. By being more cruel and by testing what will happen if we make mistake, what will happen if I make mistake and say something unreasonable - but it is true. So Jung's Trickster is great help here, where anything we do is ok. The point is that we do, that we take action. It is about lowering our high standards, dumbing down to fit into crowds. Translating ourselves to their language.
As many people will say - if we want to be happy, we need to stop thinking what people will say. The mix of trauma and our high moral standards do not allow us to not care what other people think. The only way to break the cycle, to break through the ice - is by making mistakes and by lowering our high moral and ethical laws down - making a fool out of ourselves, allowing others to be right and that they correct us - that which will they interpret as their conquer and victory for correcting our errors. That is at the heart of Jung's Trickster. To trick ourselves so that other can discern what is correct for themselves, without fawning to them or solving their issues for them.
My tweet about fawning got a lot of attention:
"Fawning. It was breakthrough information for me after I learned about CPTSD.
Until then I was given information that people pleasing is sickness, weak and unmanly, that I am choosing it and that it is a choice.
Fawning is trauma response, it is conditioning, hypnosis, programming"
"It is shocking. I followed it through the discovery that it is part of Charcot Hysteria.
Freud became famous as he discovered we have autonomous part of brain - unconsciousness, and due to trauma it surfaces and is visible to us.
Fawning is Charcot hysteria, stems from trauma."
"I made video about it. The more education we have, we can break the hypnosis.
A lot of information we receive about issues we struggle with is false and works against us."
"We are living in Trump world with CBT explaining us that our emotions are wrong and we must be courageous.
This way - the system itself is building toxic shame inside us and Emotional reasoning. We equate our emotions with our character - the matrix itself sets us up to fawn".
The common confusion with social anxiety and trauma and avoidance and healing - is how will I know that I am on the right path - since due to double binding and non existance of absolute truth - everything goes. How can I make good decision since - anything I do is totally wrong and totally right. For example, complaining is tempting if I am inside toxic environment with other complainers and where is so much to complain about. When I am abused in toxic ambient - complaining is the only weapnon and defense in toxic environment and I need boundaries. Then protecting my views will appear as complaining and may encourage true complaining later on.
I see resolution in Kurt Lewin freeze-unfreeze method. I need to have strong beliefs in self in order not to be hypnotized by others and their definitions which may contain virus, untruth and false, pathological lies even - so I need to be in the state of defrosting my own beliefs in order to be flexible. The rigid self is false self. Descartes' discovery to doubt anything can keep me on the right track. That is why in general - there are no toxic people. All people are in some kind of development and learning what is correct. However this cannot be excuse for their crimes and it cannot be excuse to shut up nor to ignore abusers.
In CBT avoidance and social anxiety is labeled as sickness and personality trait flaw, and something to be embarrassed about, something to destroy, something that is equated with being sissy, coward and weak. In reality - avoidance and pulling back from people is form of boundary, setting boundary, being firm and taking our ground - instead of being codependent and addicted to other people's approval - which is truly being sissy, coward and weak, something that needs to be destroyed: being addicted to appraisal and building up our grandiosity through other people's approval.
With high moral and ethical standards we will make ourselves anixous, we will walk on eggshelves and be hypervigilant, trying not to harm someone and make some mistake. It is easy to see how this high standard can make manipulative people to exploit us easily and control us easily. They will lie, withhold information, they will mock and pretend to be hurt by us - thus pulling our strings of high moral and ethical standards in their way to control and manipulate. Also, narcissists will use high moral and ethical standards to harm and hurt others by yelling, screaming, attacking, belittling others who are tresspass the high standards. They will be cruel and punish and be sadistic - and hold themselves from being accountable behind high moral and ethical standards. That is why black and white, yin and yang must exist. Being good and nice, super-ego will turn toxic. In the same way as Id, instincts and impulsivity will turn toxic if it is sole govern.
Relating to triggers and trauma - after I dig deeper in dysregulation and regulation - I came up with realization that there is a balance between allowing others to have their right on their opinion. It is not me who needs to fix them. Whatever they do or say it is ok in their mind, this way I validate others. I can understand this process when I validate my own shadow. I am afraid that I will let evil out if I tolerate it and accept it. Which brings focus - what is evil. If they are killing someone, are the harming someone, what kind of harm there is, how they harm. The same guilt and shame I carry inside myself, I am convinced I am evil if I feel bad or feel scared. While the reality is - if I am not hurting anyone, it is not evil.
With social anxiety there is stigma that fears and panic are weakness, that it is character flaw, something to be ashamed about, something that proves that deep core of being is sissy, unnaceptable, weird, wrong. And that I must become Strong and Corageous in order to become normal and good and accepted by all. This is shame, this is toxic shame. It is a lie. If I would become strongman, someone who is erratic, "strong" and fighter - that is not so difficult to become - it is only sick and abnormal in reality. It seems as if there needs to be some ritual or some magical thinking or that I must change to become "better" and improved. That is a lie, that is toxic shame and trauma. I do not need to become anything. I am already it. The shame is virus, making me doubt myself - and this doubt is actually making me scared and weak and sick and abnormal since I try to fit in and reject myself. I cannot function in this world if I can't trust myself. When I doubt myself I will let other people to guide me and explain all the definitions and give false narrative and manipulation and control.
CBT tools and self improvement ideas - are not working since there is nothing to fix and there is nothing to improve. To have idea of being broken and to build something up is a trap. It leads to nowhere, it will produce mental imbalance, fears, anxiety, panic, inferiority complex, hypervigilance and I will stay stuck with toxic people I will attract toxic people who also hate themselves but are capable of abusing others in order to calm themselves down, to abuse me. Society will keep putting on their labels and explanations and definitions which are wrong and hypnotic and detrimental and fundementally incorrect.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
A narcissist wants the authority of a king/queen while having the accountability of a toddler.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You don't have to "earn" the space you take up or the oxygen you breathe. You are not "bad" for seeking care. You are not "entitled" for wanting to be loved-- or even wanting to be "special" to someone.
F*ck shame; f*ck trauma; and f*ck all that old, toxic programming.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Slander is a form of control.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Please don't listen to manipulators.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Don't ever let anyone make you feel crazy because you figured them out.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Many people are re-enacting trauma dynamics and calling it “love.”
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
When your bullies can't find anything on you to use against you. They start making it up,
Stopworkplacebullies
We all have "issues" because we have a story. No matter how much work you've done on yourself, we all snap back sometimes. So be easy on yourself. Growth is a dance. Not a light switch.
Cobra Tate, TWITTER:
You learn faster when it hurts.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
some people only want you in their life as a backup plan.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Underneath emotional triggers are core beliefs:
“im not worthy.”
“people will always leave me.”
“part of me is unloveable.”
“I’m too much”
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Be selective with your battles. Sometimes, peace is better than being right.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Your greatest guide is the sensations of emotions in the body and your intuition. Our body sends us messages that we’ve been conditioned to ignore. Healing means tuning back in— and learning how to listen.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When we're raised in dysfunctional homes, chaos is a normal state. Our body becomes dependent on the consistent release of adrenaline and cortisol.
Without the stimulation of chaos we feel: bored, irritable, or numb. Here why...
In dysfunctional homes, we witness adults who have extreme emotional reactivity.
Meaning, everything even "small things" can become crisis situations.
Family members bond over the shared drama and distraction that these crisis situations provide.
As children, this impacts our nervous system development, putting us into fight or flight or a dissociated state at a young age.
Many people struggle to remember their childhood because of long term dissociation.
As adults, we're subconsciously attracted to these intense dynamics because we learned this is how adults bond.
They provide us with a surface level of emotional connection: the only connection we've ever known.
This creates patterns where we engage in:
dysfunctional relationships, impulsive behaviors, sabotaging behaviors.
We repeat what we are modeled.
Some signs you're in long term nervous system dysregulation:
- you feel tired but wired and can't sleep
- you don't feel calm or at ease in stillness
- you seek content, people, or situations that are highly emotionally activating
- long periods of time tend to disappear (dissociation)
- you feel easily bored and often feel like you need "excitement" or constant stimulation
As we start to heal, we can have compassion for ourselves.
When we're subconsciously seeking chaotic situations what we're actually trying to do is re-create the comfortable dynamic of our childhood.
Our mind and bodies seek the familiar.
The truth is, in these chaotic environments we experience as children: our emotional needs weren't being met.
We weren't experiencing a safe, secure, loving connection.
Safe connection might feel: boring, like it lacks passion, or it might actually feel scary because we haven't ever experienced true vulnerability.
This is why adult children from dysfunctional homes tend to choose emotionally unavailable partners.
As we heal, we can learn to find safety and to appreciate peace and stillness.
We can see that healthy adults can regulate their emotions, navigate crisis, and can support or help us in meeting our own needs.
And, we can learn to appreciate the stability that comes from safe, secure connections.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Needing to be perfect and do everything perfectly is a trauma response. You might have spent your childhood panicking that you’d made a mistake and terrified of the consequences.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Confident energy is calm energy.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
In order to break cycles of generational trauma we have to understand the importance of safe, secure attachment. Children need to witness adults who: can emotionally regulate, clearly communicate their needs, and who set boundaries when needed.
Lalah Delia 📖, TWITTER:
Regulate your nervous system before you respond.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Fake is becoming so acceptable that people get offended when you're being real.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is when you have an unpleasant mood & don't become an unpleasant person.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is being aware that blaming is throwing your power away.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
It's crazy how the toxic person insults you but when you stand up for yourself they become the victim.
Narcissist Facts 101, TWITTER:
Narcissists are constantly twisting narratives, lying through their teeth, fabricating wild, delusional stories, blatantly denying facts, and gaslighting to escape accountability and to make their targets/victims feel like they are the ones losing their minds.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
One of the most difficult parts of having a narcissistic parent (NP) is that the relationship can feel so close but there's also: manipulation, guilt tripping, and abandonment of your own needs.
When we're raised by a NP (a parent who's emotionally immature and relies on their child to meet their needs) many of us believe the relationship is "normal."
At the same time, as adults we can feel this intense sense of anger or resentment at our parent.
This anger comes up as: our heart racing when we get a phone call or text from them or feeling like almost anything they say gets under our skin.
As children, we quickly learned that the emotional climate revolves around our NP.
What they feel, everyone feels.
Many people with NP parents also witness 2 different version of the same parent: the version of themselves in public, and the version of themselves at home.
This is extremely confusing for a child because the version we get of an NP at home is: aloof, critical, distant, shut down, or consistently hostile.
And the public version: appears to be a loving, involved parent.
The public version brags about their children, which only leads to more confusions because at home the NP parent shows little to no interest in us or what we feel.
We are an afterthought: until they have a need that's being met.
When the NP has a need they want met, they can shower their child with surface level attention or affection
The child becomes "the golden child."
Because NP can't regulate their emotions, most issues become crisis and they can easily (and unpredictably) shift from one extreme to another.
This reflects their dysregulated nervous system. Shifts in their polyvagal state create mood swings.
The (once) golden child can quickly become the scapegoat: or the blame for the issues the NP has.
This usually comes when the golden child hesitates, wants independence, or pushes back to the NP.
Guilt or shame is used to get their child to comply.
Ultimately, NP have very low self worth.
This creates an insecurity, and a need to control their children in an intense way that often feels smothering.
Adult children of NP have the heavy burden of continuing to meet the needs of a parent even if they have their own family.
It common for NP to try to triangulate.
ex: they might state (often) how much they don't like their child's partner or state the issues they have with the way they're living their lives or raising their children on a regular basis.
No matter what, the adult child never gains the NP approval.
S, TWITTER:
Abuse should be seen as a disability, because it does, from time to time, limit the victim in their daily life due to its trauma and stress.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Our nervous system sends us messages every time we interact with someone. Many of us have had to disconnect from the sensations in our bodies to stay safe as children.
As adults, we can learn the subtle sensations that tell us: this person isn’t safe.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Many of us have been taught that our worth comes through what we produce, how we perform, and what we achieve. We lack the skills needed for a truly fulfilled life: relationship skills, emotional regulation, emotional intelligence, and healthy communication.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
When you move on, heal & be happy you also debunk the narcissist's smear campaign against you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
if there's one thing my own trauma & addiction recovery have taught me, it's this: when something's valuable, write it down.
A quote; an idea; a moment, whatever-- write it down somewhere.
Research says we retain stuff way, WAY better (70%+ better!) when we write it down.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Someone needs to hear this: a healthy partner wants you to shine, to meet your own needs, and wants to support you in being the highest version of yourself. You’re not a possession to them, you’re a team in navigating life together.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We all have toxic traits. How we manage those toxic traits is really what makes a person safe or unsafe.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
There are parts of you that you don’t like, reactions you have that you wish you didn’t, and toxic patterns you repeat. This is humanness. Not everything needs to be changed— so much of healing is learning to accept ourselves, as is.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
You deserve someone who makes mistakes & sees you as a great person... not someone who points out all of your mistakes & sees themself as a great person.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
One of the most underrated life skills: how to be in conflict with someone and still stay connected.
Conflict is a natural, healthy part of life.
Yet, many of us have experienced conflict that leads to: betrayal, rejection, abandonment, and withdrawing.
Our parent figures teach us how to navigate conflict through how they navigate conflict.
Many of us witnessed dysfunctional behavior like:
- Name calling
- Silent treatment
- Shaming "you're too sensitive" "why are you being dramatic, get over it."
- Scorekeeping: one upping each other
- Deflection: re-directing blame to our partner
- Projection: a defense mechanism of attributing traits a person doesn't like about themselves onto someone else
- Denial: pretending issues don't exist or downplaying them "it wasn't that bad" "you're making this bigger than it is."
These unhealthy dynamics play out in our adult relationships.
This is because we never learned healthy conflict relationship skills.
When we don't learn this, conflict becomes overwhelming, scary, or something to avoid.
Many people see conflict as a sign that the person isn't "for them" or that the relationship won't work out.
The truth is conflict is a part of all relationships.
Learning how to resolve conflict creates healthier relationships.
Healthy partnerships have awareness that:
- Conflict is unavoidable
- When there's conflict, we talk about it, directly
- The goal of conflict is for deeper understanding of each other's perspectives, not to "win"
- Our nervous system dictates our ability to communicate, and we may need breaks
- My partner has my best interest at heart, even when we disagree
- Disagreement is neutral, and we don't need to agree on everything in order to find a solution.
How to start having healthy conflict:
1. Childhood inventory: our childhood has a massive impact on how we view conflict and engage in it. Do a childhood inventory with your partner by asking them how parent figure (s) dealt with conflict.
note: not only with another parent, but conflict with friends, family, even strangers. Did they shut down, were they highly reactive, hostile, etc.
This will lead to better mutual understanding of each other.
2. Active listening: active listening is the act of truly being present to what another person says.
This is difficult, because most of us are just preparing for what we'll stay next, or "debunking" what our partner is saying.
This only creates defensiveness. Breathe and listen to what the person is actually saying from a space of curiousity.
3. Reflection: we all have a deep need to be heard. When your partner shares, before stating your side, reflect on what they've said.
Ex: "So, when I did that it hurt because you felt like I wasn't considering you."
"So when I tell you I'm coming home and I'm late, you get anxious, is that right?"
"When I withdraw, you feel rejected, and need me to vocalize that I need a break"
4. Nervous System Awareness: when our nervous system is in: fight flight freeze or fawn, we lose the ability to access the logical part of our brain that allows for clear communication.
Our body is in threat mode.
You'll know you're in this mode when your mind is racing, your heart is racing, and you can't seem to get words out.
note: we're more likely to access this state if we've been through childhood trauma during conflict. Be aware of your partner's history.
It's important to say: "I need a break, we can come back to this when or (at specific time.)"
5. Solution focused: in dysfunctional relationships, there's deep need for control.
Partner's attempt to gain this control by bringing up past incidents to build their case (scorekeeping.)
To resolve conflict, we have to end scorekeeping and begin practicing being solution focused.
Being solution focused means, staying on course with the present issue and attempting to find a solution that benefits all partners.
ex: "You feel like you're doing most of the chores, and I can see that. What chores can I specifically help with?"
6. Affirm and reassure: conflict is scary for all of us. It can help to hug each other, tell each other you love each other, or hold hands in silence during or after the issue.
note: speak directly to what you need "I could use reassurance right now."
7. Stop using absolutes: "You always do" "You never do" "Not surprised, you did that again!" are all statements that put our partner on the defensive.
Speak for yourself.
It will feel vulnerable (maybe scary) but keep the focus on your feelings "I felt.."
Regardless of our backgrounds, we can all practice staying connected during conflict.
Our relationships will be: safer, stronger, and more fulfilling if we put in this work.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Sometimes God closes doors in your face that are not good for you to walk through.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When someone is in their trauma body, even people they love can become an "enemy." This is the body in threat mode.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
The narcissist will make out that you are demanding perfection for wanting emotional connection.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
You don’t have to own up to others peoples expectations of you.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. LCSW, TWITTER:
The absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Avoid people that say you are being needy by wanting emotional understanding & validation.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Manipulation is a act of total disrespect for another person's rights.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma recovery is NOT about willpower or character.
Trauma survivors have AMAZING will. If trauma recovery was about willpower, NO ONE would suffer from PTSD.
Even smart, resilient, strong-willed people are vulnerable to trauma. No one's immune.
(You're not the exception.)
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
stop breaking your own heart and start seeing people exactly as they are instead of romanticizing about what they could be.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
People don't get that when our nervous system is telling us the trauma is happening how, we feel, on a BIOLOGICAL LEVEL, that THIS IS NOT A DRILL-- IT'S HAPPENING NOW!
Trauma responses to those signals aren't "choices"-- they are powerful REFLEXES. Think hot stove.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
No response is a response.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Avoid people who knock other people down in order to feel better about themselves.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
I will never hate anyone but I will distance myself from people who do not value me.
S, TWITTER:
Abusers and Victims walk amongst us everyday, but we would never be able to tell.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
You don't have to forgive someone who was abusive. You don't have to allow them to be part of your life. You don't have to pretend it wasn't so bad or minimise their actions. You just have to do whatever works for you in order to move on, heal & live the best possible life.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Wise people have learned to get curious about why they're feeling triggered rather than reacting to their trigger and externalizing blame.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissists only surround themselves with people who enable their behavior, ignore their behavior or encourage their behavior. Anyone who tries to hold them accountable will be blamed for exactly what the narcissist is guilty of, and the people who know the truth will be silent.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
CONTROLLING YOUR EMOTIONS IS IMPOSSIBLE (a thread) 🧵✨ #ThreadTherapist
And sleeping is not an effective coping skill if you’re using it to avoid your issues.
HOWEVER: it is possible to regulate your emotions so that you can CONTROL how you respond to your emotions— this is called emotion regulation or basically COPING 🙆🏽♀️
Let’s go ahead and debunk this myth that things get better with time. It’s a lie. It doesn’t work. If you’ve had time be the sole reason for you feeling better let me know — but I guarantee you during this time you’ve engaged in a form of coping & you ain’t even know it!
Our brain is so cool it does things to help us when we’re feeling uncomfortable or unsafe to help us cope. Some of our trauma responses are survival coping mechanisms. Our brain does everything it can to keep us safe and in homeostasis.
However this does not mean these things are always healthy. Almost anything can be a coping skill. It doesn’t mean that it’s HEALTHY — also it’s probably not going to help if we aren’t doing it INTENTIONALLY.
Coping does sometimes help you feel better — but it doesn’t make the emotion GO AWAY sometimes. Sometimes it just lessens the INTENSITY. This does not mean it’s not working it just means you’re building your tolerance to be able to deal with this emotion & you need practice.
COPING SHOULD BE INTENTIONAL. This means you have to cope ON PURPOSE. As soon as something happens to make you feel an intense emotion that’s uncomfortable for you— you have to decide which coping skill you’re going to use to help get you back to feeling P E A C E.
Notice I didn’t say happiness! Just because you cope does not mean you’re going to be happy— however you will feel more comfortable dealing with the emotion and you’ll be able to accept the emotion as it is instead of avoiding or suppressing it.
There are MANY different types of coping skills— behavioral, preventive, cognitive, sensory the list goes on. It’s up to you (the expert on you) to find out which ones actually work the best FOR YOU. Nobody else can really tell you this. You have to experiment & try!
Therapists can give you coping skills — but it’s up to you to actually use them and assess if they are working for you or not. YOU have to do the WORK.
& every coping skill is not going to work for every emotion! It is common that one coping skill that works for anger will not work for sadness. Emotions aren’t one size fits all. You have to cater to them all in a specific way to help them calm down!
This is why every person should have a LIST of coping skills that help for every emotion as well as for the different intensities of those emotions — & yes I made a worksheet for that.
But it starts with EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE. If you don’t know HOW YOU FEEL how can you create a plan to deal with it. Labeling your emotion is a good start and yes I made a worksheet to increase your emotional intelligence as WELL.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨, TWITTER:
I love people who are highly aware of their worth yet highly humble too and never look down on anybody.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Forgive yourself for what you did in survival mode.
Narcissist Facts 101, TWITTER:
Normal, empathetic individuals do not get joy or satisfaction from the suffering of others. They don’t need others to be doing poorly in order to feel good about themselves. On the other hand, narcissists thrive on causing harm and thinking others are doing worse than they are.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The people who say “my childhoods over & I turned out ok” are the same people whose hearts race when they hear footsteps, who only feel comfortable in a room with strangers if drinking, and who stay with partners that give them emotional breadcrumbs.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
The more you heal, the more you realize that people who say they love you but repeatedly make you feel empty inside are full of shit. Manipulation is when their actions don't match their words. Patterns don't lie. Know what you deserve and trust your innermost feelings.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The idea of learning from mistakes, as opposed to punishing & shaming ourselves for mistakes, often doesn't even register for complex trauma survivors.
The idea that we make mistakes because we're human, not because we're awful, feels like a trick or a trap-- or a lie.
angel forest, TWITTER:
Rich folks ask why. Rich in stability. Rich in education. Rich in healthy childhood.
It’s easy to be self aware when life isn’t that hard or crippling. But sure call it wise or self aware and not profoundly lucky and fortunate as can be.
BLACK LIVES MATTER, TWITTER:
I’ve found that it’s people having experienced “rock bottom” ask why and their journey into self-awareness begins. Rich folks tend to be insulated and distant from the harsh realities of life; there’s no incentive to become self-aware.
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
Narcissistic people can be extremely charming but they also lack a sense of self. This is why they control everyone around them: they’re actually controlling their own self perception.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You were never hard to get along with..
You were just getting harder to manipulate....
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
When the nervous system is activated our body is having a response we don’t control. This is why when someone says “relax,” it feels so triggering: because we can’t.
Master 🦋, TWITTER:
Introverts don't play games. They want honest. They want real. They want genuine authentic connections. Either you're in or out. There's no in between. And if you think you can play games. Tease & test and win. Believe me, you're just a toddler. They're big daddies of the game.
Master 🦋, TWITTER:
"Introverts", read this:
1. Yes, you're right
You feel, feel, feel. And you're right 99.99999% of the time. Start trusting yourself more. You have a gift of knowing shit without a single word spoken. Embrace it.
2. They won't get it
Your need to be alone. That urge to lock yourself until you feel like you again. Don't expect them to understand all that. Raise your boundaries and just do what you have to do to fix yourself.
3. The 8th deadly sin
"Socializing". I know you hate it. And you don't have to oblige to any shit that's against who you are. It's ok to vibe alone rather than feeling trapped in a room full of strangers.
4. Flaunt that nerdy side
They think you're quiet. But I know you're intelligent af and psychoanalysing the shit outta them. And sometimes it's ok to show how many encyclopedias you've devoured.
5. Vibe with your tribe
You have 2 friends. Okay, maybe 3. And trust me, that's enough. You don't have to entertain anyone just because you went to school with them. Less people, less drama, and moreeeee alone time.
6. They want you bad
You're shy and a loner. But don't let that make you think people aren't attracted to you. Psychology says, we're more attracted to people who give off that mysterious vibe. You're sexy and now you know it. Go get 'em.
7. Find work that aligns with you
Surrounded by 39 people going blah, blah, blah, 5 days a week is not for you. It can drain you down. Find something that's less draining or anything that allows you to work alone and create them 'masterpieces'.
8. Calm that chaos
You're a thinker. Thoughts will dominate your whole life. Accept it. And find something to calm them. Meditate, walk, box, climb, run, whatever suits your body. But make sure you find something to calm your craziness.
9. You're Batman
You're special. Smart, empathetic, kind, caring, intuitive, and a hell lot more emotionally intelligent than half of the world. If that isn't something to be proud of, what is. Accept yourself and live the way you want, not how they say you should.
10. To heal yourself, fix your old toxic patterns and achieve what you choose to focus on,
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
Reasons people lie:
1. To manage perception
2. To stay safe
3. To reduce shame
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We're not gonna achieve or impress our way out of trauma responses.
We're not gonna "earn" our way out of our emotional & behavioral struggles by taking on more & more responsibilities & roles.
(Believe me. I've tried.)
Trauma recovery is an inside job.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Each of us has a distinct set of sensibilities, shaped by culture, disposition and individual experience. For this reason, it sometimes seems that your bullying is not my bullying
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
You must see the creation of a persona as a key element in social intelligence. Not something evil or demonic.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When our trauma brain is convinced someone dislikes or disapproves of us, it'll twist ANYTHING they say or do into the shape of our fears. IYKYK.
That filter can be powerful, but we can talk ourselves through those shame-based, shame-bound thoughts--no matter how real they SEEM.
Sigmund Freud | Philsopher & Neurologist ✍️, TWITTER:
Where id is, there shall ego be.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
There’s no coming to consciousness without pain.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Hypervigilance and constant anxiety develop from childhood trauma. Your nervous system is on high alert, looking for the next threat to your safety. And it’s exhausting.
(11.11.2022)
Social anxiety by definition is "Fear of situations in which you may be judged negatively" and "Worry about embarrassing or humiliating yourself" - it is fear related to unknown situations and difficult people. Social anxiety is more than that. It is inability to perform normal functions in life - due to fear. I call that being stuck and Charcot Hysteria - however many people do not. They equate their fears with being weak and label themselves as inept, which ends up as self pathology, self hatred and self blame.
The cause of social anxiety is abuse and trauma is being triggered to feel fear in similar situations to the original trauma. This means - being blocked is something that is problem here. This is how narcissism is born - since people will hate their self, they will try to put on a mask and resolve their anxiety by abusing others - passing social anxiety into the next generation. I would rather focus on the block part. It means - our social anxiety will be gone when we are able to operate and perform normal actions - making phone calls, asking, demanding, saying no, engage in conflict and confrontation necessary to make, admitting mistakes and seeking help. Forcing ourselves to talk and behave in "correct" and "normal" manner will not work. Since "normal" and "correct" behaving comes naturally from within, it is not a matter of order or command or program. We cannot operate from within if we have toxic shame inside us, if we believe that our fears are abnormal and something that needs to be rejected or ashamed of.
The block comes from trauma. It is pervasive, all-encompassing belief of not being safe, not feeling safe, being trapped in dangerous place without ability to run away. Nobody can make choice or do something - if we are being led by our panic. Panic means that deep down we do not like someting, we sense danger from something. When we are in state of panic - our cortex brain will be hijacked, and lizard brain will operate. This means, being socially anxious, when being dysregulated - there is not much that we can do. Our brain is being hijacked at this point. Our decisions, thoughts, goals are now focused in panic and they are in panic mode. Trying to handle this is futile. It leads to micromanaging and that leads to more hypervigilance and more anxiety. The calm state is when our self is self expressed and our goals are guided by our common sense and our values. In fear state our self is guided by toxic shame and panic. If we try to make ourselves confident or blame ourselves for feeling fear - we will add up to toxic shame already present inside. When dysregulated - there is not much of option to do, we need to wait it out.
This is problem with social anxiety - since dysregulation will be all the time, it will be frequent. Other people will feel fears too - but they will regulate themselves automatically - since they were not abused and criticized and neglected and invalidated when growing up- their system will boot them up to cortext part of brain. With trauma we will stay longer in arousal state - and comparing ourselves to others will not help at all. It is important to "label" our labels in panic mode as dysregulation, part of arousal, fear state.
Obvious solution is to work how to calm triggers and flashbacks and how to rely on my self worth. With toxic shame, frequent dysregulation - I do not have enough data, I do not get enough experience - this will add up to toxic shame, and I will see other people as better, superior to me. More toxic shame! It is cycle of toxic shame, giving birth to new toxic shame simply by being in fear state. That is why judgements and labels and definitions about myself when I am aroused and in panic mode - will not help. Telling myself to be strong and man enough and to be courageous will not help. This will tell my brain that I am inept and that my fears are part of my persona. They are not. They are trauma. I have been abused by psychopaths - and I am reacting to toxic people and toxic shame inside me, it is external, it is not internal issue.
It comes down to control. If I am preoccupied with my fears and exposing to fears - paradoxically - fears are in control of me - since fears are my captain, I am being governed by fears through exposing to them. Rather I would put my goals, needs, common sense in the prime focus - and what common sense tells me what I need to do and what are my plans. These may or might not involve facing fears. The primary focus is in my own self expression. Not fears.
Learning about social anxiety means learning about psychopathy - since psychopaths are causing social anxiety in their targets. Then we can learn that psychopaths are impulsive and they do not think twice. Survivors of abuse will think more than twice. This is why when we learn about modus operandi of psychopaths - we can conclude that holding toxic people accountable means we are allowed to make mistakes and lean on our prejudgements and quick conclusions - and make accusations of their crimes. If we do not do this - we will never find answers and they will walk with crime free. Toxic people will blame us for our mistakes and errors in judgements - that is why we need to become aware that authenticity, being honest and transparent is more important - solving issues and not covering up abusers or tolerating them for the sake of peace or being fair. They are not fair. When we play by the rules - we will never win. We cannot be monsters and attack people - but we can speak freely about their crimes and their criminal activities, even when we do not have all the proofs.
Not being able to perform normal functions - is one of definition of social anxiety. Apart from philosophical question about what is truly normal - let's say not being able to perform regular social functions as better term - means that what is truly our goal in life. What we truly want from life. How we get our ideas about doing anything in life - from where does it stems from. With trauma, social anxiety, toxic shame - ideas and urge and need to do something will stem from external referencing locus of control: other people and figuring out what other people would want and like and not doing what they might dislike. This is connected with empathy - so it is complex and confusing and perplexing whether I do not want to do something because I fawn to someone or is it because I truly do not want to do something. If I decide to create something - is it because I want to impress someone or is it what I truly like to do.
That is why self worth is important. Intrinsic locus of control. It means following my own common sense and not conformism, which is frigtening and it will expose me to criticism and judgement and negative evaluations.
This is where it gets tricky. If I decide to not follow conformism - ironically and paradoxically - other people will still control me and I will base my decision on other people - not by following them but by doing the opposite of groupthink.
That is why I think social anxiety advice related to confidence and being strong and exposure and conquiring anxiety and defeating and overcoming social anixety - is still social anxiety. Just because something is negative reflection - it is still reflection. Just because we ignore something - it still is proof we are slaves to it. Rejecting something means wasting energy on something we dislike.
Then there is the next new insight - that if we are good, if we follow social etiquette, if we try to be nice to everyone and follow the rules - we won't become productive, we won't become independent, we won't be able to handle people - because people are sneaky, they are not honest and they have hidden agenda, they do not tell their intentions nor their truth - while we are totally honest. This puts us in position to be focused on other people and their whims and their non-important issues which they hysterize and make into huge deal to take care of. Our mere urge to be good and nice will make us codependent. We need certain amount of non-regular decisions which means not approving all people. Some people need to be cut off.
Many motivational speakers for social anxiety will misrepresent social anxiety, they will explain that social anxiety is fear of doing normal things in life and that we need to simply be courageous and strong and face our fears. In reality- with trauma inside, exposure will lead only to people pleasing, fawning and fitting into abuse. This is because long term exposure to narcissistic abuse causes brain injury. How could we expect to function "normally" with injury inside our brain caused by constant controlling, manipulation, lying tactics? How can we trust other people by being exposed to unfair and unhuman treatment?
It comes down in changing perspective. I can always act from love or hate. From empathy or psychopathy. If I see social anxiety as cowerdness and something to destroy by acting strong, I will create toxic shame inside me and see the world as antagonistic, as power struggle - and attract such toxic people. I will see myself as character defunct and try to cover it up by proving my worth through perfectionism and narcissistic superiority. I will depend on other people's approval and admiration since deep down I do not see myself as normal and healthy and acceptable. On the other hand I can perceive social anxiety as being aware of evil people who are the cause of all problems, people who are controlling others due to their toxic shame and their trials of overcompensations by controling and manipulating other people into accepting them and validating them. I can see social anxiety as preference not to accept toxic people and avoid toxic people.
Social anxiety is deep core belief that I am not safe - so I can see this as double bind alternative - I can see it as something that I must be ashamed of, or as something that is a wound, caused by abuse by toxic people. So I can see solutions whether by exposing myself to evil to gather money and power - or I can see solution as avoiding toxic people and keeping my inner child safe and away from abuse and toxicity - and still make money and power but without manipulating others or being in power struggle and proving other people to see and perceive me as normal, strong and valid enough for them to accept me.
Social anxiety stems from long term exposure to abuse - which causes brain injury - fears and inability to act and perform norma social decisions and actions stem from this brain injury - not from character flaw. Inability to speak and act stems from the wound caused by abusive and controlling people, not from something that is broken in my core being. The hysteria stems from conditioning, body and chemicals being trained to react in fear and panic to triggers and flashbacks, this is not personality flaw. When I see that social anxiety is not personality flaw - I will no longer be preoccupied with trying to please other people and seek their approval, I won't be stuck in their opinion of me, neither good or bad will not bother me or influence me in my actions and decisions. My actions and decisions need to stem from my self worth - not by reacting to other people, their reactions, their complaints and criticism. I need to have system inside me, system of common sense, where I make decision what is healthy and what is toxic. This is putting myself in driver's seat.
That is where handling retort and understanding how to handle difficult people comes into play.
We were not built to handle predators, liars, manipulators, we do not have knowledge nor education how to react in proper manner to someone who is psychopath. If I follow advice to be strong and corageous - and that I need to fix myself, I will play right into toxic people and their manipulation.
When we are appraised, we really feel good about ourselves and we perform better. Appraisal and validation affect our psyche - that is why narcisissts try to gain it by force, through manipulation and control and abuse. They also know that invalidation and put downs affect others in negative ways - and that gives them also sense of power. If we are not aware of this effect, we will tend to self blame and pathologize our reactions to someones unfair treatment. Double binding and psychopath's abuse play a crucial role in social anxiety and our toxic shame and self blame. We tend to be honest and authentic and play fair - and we go along with other people and try not to harm other people. Narcissists on the other hand always have excused and alternative explanations and their own facts how they always deflect and shift responsibility onto their targets.
They never take the blame and they never admit objective facts.
This is recipe for disaster, the target will be explained into alternative facts, of abuse of abuser and take the blame. As empaths we will never question someone who is either in authority or in pain. We will be victim of toxic empathy. We will shut up and never consider that person who is somehow victim and victim playing, blaming us for something, throwing accusations - that this person is not telling the truth. Then we will take their explanations and definitions as absolute truth.
So what happens when we have trauma and social anxiety - society labels this as weakness and personality flaw - and we do not question it - since it stems from authority - groupthink and conformism, and also we will be presented as something to be cured, as if we are sick and that our behaviour is causing some kind of damage to others or that we embarrass others or that others are negatively affected by our social anxiety or that our social anxiety is disgusting and we must not make other people feel bad. We even as empaths won't notice this at all, we will carry self blame, toxic shame and self pathology and try to correct ourselves by performing tricks - by taking the abuse, by forcing ourselves to perform unnecessary tasks and to prove others that we are man enough and strong, what is considered by conformism as strong and normal.
Part of social anxiety is inner critic, inner doubt, intrusive worry and intrusive thoughts of what other people think, their criticism how it interpreted, their negative evaluations being seen as personal flaw, that we need to fix something inside us to prevent bad events and evil people from happening. The strength of our power therefore needs to stem from accepting ourselves as we are. Any doubt, any criticism directed in our own self, at our flaws and perceived weaknesses will add to more shame, guilt, anxiety.
Anxiety, panic, trauma makes us stuck and immobile. We will become dependent on others. That part is seen and perceived by society as weakness, since they judge it from their own position, where there is evil inside the observer. The crucial problem is that if we do anything to change this situation or even talk about it - the act of specifying it creates toxic shame. Toxic shame is already present in someone who is anxious panicked and socially isolated - and any meddling makes water more muddled and unclear. This is what makes us stuck in space between sleeping and being awake - we are neither. We are neither "crazy" enough to be nuts - nor we are sane enough to live our life through taking bold actions. We are simply stuck. And at this place toxic people will parasite upon our immobility. The point in overcoming this state is not to shame or force ourselves into acting someone we are not - the point is that we live our life and that we create boundaries so that toxic people will not longer parasite on our fear.
How can we identify when we equate our character with our flaws and mistakes? It is through the obvious - criticism and negative evaluation of other people, which is both real, when someone is being intrusive, and also in imagination - with flashbacks from the past or imagining someone's criticism and then pre-emptively making decisions not to do something, keeping us stuck in immobility and indecision.
That is proof that we are not cowards as society labels socially anxious. The problem is not in being weak. The problem is in trauma, there is inability and lack of education how to handle intrusive people and how to handle their aggression and rudeness and what to do, how to think and what to do next when someone is being unfair. Paradox is that going along with society's labels of not being coward or weak - we will ignore toxic people and toxic ambient and then end up being stuck in toxic environment. We will feel social anxiety when someone is aggressive and rude - and instead of natural defense - we will turn this feelings into self blame, for being too weak and too cowardly - and we will stoically endure someone's rude treatment towards us. That is fawning. If we decide to "fight" - there will be fight response and we will feel guilty afterwards. The urge to cover up shame leads to toxic shame and false self and nothing good comes out of it.
Handling social anxiety means that we have compassion towards our fears and panic, social anxiety is condition, it is not character flaw. While negative toxic narcissistic psychopaths will have self inflated image and make up excuses for their blunders, mistakes and abuse and criminal actitivies - we will go into another extreme and feel responsible for ours and other people's actions and consequently take the blame for anything. We won't use up double bind card and turn the story the other way, we won't explain our mistakes and flaws as someone else's responsibility. Criminals will not be seen as cowards, they will stick to their double binding explanations and other people will shut up when toxic people start to be rude and aggressive and violent. So someone strong being seen as strong because he is tyrannical - is the real true problem.
With social anxiety we need to change our perspective, we need to see the bigger picture, deception and lies in other people. We need to lower our standards of perfectionism, morality and ethics and realize our code of honor in being good and nice is detrimental, and that suppressing our childish side, our shadow of being bad is not healthy and we won't be able to be attractive enough to form any kind of relationship.
Anyone with true social anxiety issue will report their inability to know what to say and how to handle conflict and what to do next, how to keep on going, neither they will know what they truly want - due to toxic shame and external reference locus of control. Toxic people will throw labels at us and diagnose us, and see our way of living as weak, abnormal and unmanly - and we will feel toxic shame because of it. It will add layers and layers of toxic shame on top of one on another, accumulationg other people criticism, definitions and evaluations and orders.
When we are attacked and scared and triggered - our cortex brain goes offline - we won't know what to do or what to say when we are dysregulated. Any attempt to restore calmness will add up to dysregulation, since it will signal the brain that we are abnormal, weak, different, unnaceptable.
Forcing ourselves to make list of fears as CBT advise us, will not work. Speaking to us as if we need to have courage and be strong will not work, it will make toxic shame and fears worse.
That is why self worth is crucial, that we know what we know, that we are guided by our own common sense. This will include saying no and cutting toxic people off and retort to demands and unfair accusations. Socially anxious are unable to say no with toxic shame inside - since other people make decisions instead about what is normal, strong and correct. Having self worth means not going along with conformism and obeying someone's explanations about what is good enough and strong enough.
The reason why psychopaths, narcissistis and abusers are successful is not because they are smarter nor because they are more capable of others. Their secret is that they do not play by the rules. They lie, they resort to criminal activities, they do not take into consideration someone else's feelings and this way they eliminate toxic empathy and manipulation. They have quick explanations to explain their faults and mistakes as someone else's, they never admit being wrong, inept or weak due to toxic shame - while "normal" and healthy people will always doubt themselves first and very rarely focus or direct accusations towards someone else. No one teaches us about this, we are not build to be toxic, so toxic people thrive on healthy people. Without anti-virus we won't have defense against the attack of the virus. Without being aware of narcissistic abuse and how narcissists act we will never become aware about pathology stemming from the external source. Instead we will label ourselves as weak, something to reject and be ashamed about, something to cure and convince ourselves to be mad and that we need to act in certain defined way which toxic people often will define.
When I understand that social anxiety is the result of conditioning and hypnosis - it is clear that my interpretations are stuck in one way, while in reality there is always double binding, there is other explanation. This way people can be used and manipulated in general, without social anxiety or any issues related to anxiety. Honest, sincere, rule-following mindset will make us stuck in one explanation which we feel we must obey. That is why tyrannical states are dangerous, one party system, one party rule, politicians and marketing, anyone in authority who insist in their absolute truth is dangerous - since they will force their truth to be the only valid one.
I can start to question any beliefs which are producing shame and guilt - when there is no objective reason to feel neither shame not guilt. If I feel scared and have issues with inhibitions - one way to look at this is that I am weak, defective and coward. This way I can be stuck in attempt to fix myself by conformism and following the herd, throwing money on the cure and fawning to abusers for my perceived fallacy. Another view is that I look at my fear inhibitions as reaction to abuse and psychopathy. If I am not out murdering people - there is no pathology.
If I choose to avoid people it is to keep myself safe.
What I can control and do about it is that I apply all the education and knowledge about trauma and how trauma is handled. Instead of fighting and winning mindset there is understanding. Then I can realize that anxiety will make me to fawn and shut up. Therefore logical solution is self worth - which means self expression and doing things I deem as correct and in my best interest.
This way I can start to change many other viewpoints which were the result of conformism and someone else's explanations and their definitions. With double binding I can create viewpoint which aligns with my common sense, with knowledge in psychology about what is healthy, with my self worth and healing trauma wounds and false definitions by evil people.
Since there is no absolute truth and since conformism will make us believe that the world ought to look alike as in groupthink herd mentality way - now I can challenge it.
I can test what happens if I do make mistakes, even deliberately. Now that I understand that trauma is being stuck in someone else's explanations and someone else's definitions - I can rely on my own self worth and my own common sense instead. If I know that being nice and good mixed with toxic empathy results in abusers and predators exploiting their targets - I can allow myself to lower my high ethical and moral standards and allow myself to break certain self imposed rules about what is good and nice - towards people who are neither good nor nice.
As I said before on my blog, the solution to anxiety is not complicated, it must not be. Otherwise, everyone would be stuck with anxiety, it would spread like rampant virus. Certain people would not be immune to it. The complicated steps which CBT is offering, or motivational gurus and self help books - these are limited actions that cannot work permanently due to Ebbighaus Forgetting Curve and the fact that life is constantly changing and we are always presented with totally new and mysterious situations - because we resolve and solve old ones - and then we no longer react to dangers from the past difficult situations. We need simple approach - and that is self expression.
Social anxiety is keeping quiet. That is why narcissists who are mimicking social anxiety are creating so much damage to socially anxious - since they become spokesmen for social anxiety - and the very fact that someone who is presumely talkative - is not socially anxious. Narcissists will explain social anxiety from totally wrong perspective - social anxiety is not about confidence primarily neither social anxiety is about our panic symptoms as primary concern, nor social anxiety is about criticism and negative evaluation as signal for rejection. These are narcissists who are mimicking social anxiety which applies to them. Narcissists who are mimicking social anxiety crave for narcissistic supply: other people, so rejection hurts them a lot. Truly socially anxious ones are afraid of trauma, abuse and violence which they experienced in the past. Narcissists caused that violence and abuse - and narcissists will never admit to be afraid, to be weak and to be victim of abuse due to their grandiose self image - instead narcissists who are mimicking social anxiety are primarily concerned about confidence and how to manipulate and control and win other people, since psychopaths see the world as struggle, other people as targets to conquer and themselves as masters of universe. Truly socially anxious people would be happy if they are rejected and that they no longer have any contact with difficult people.
Narcissists want to conquer and destroy. With social anxiety we are never been told that our self worth is our value and that we can leave things unresolved - we are not obliged to fix other people's emotions, moods, issues. With abuse we were punished if we left things undone and narcissists compel us to admit defeat, to admit that we are always guilty ones for everything and that we are the ones who are broken and need to fix ourselves in order to be accepted and valued. Narcissists are broken inside and seek value from other people by abusing others - and that is how socially anxious will get stuck in the loop of seeing their own inhibitions as broken parts inside us that must be ashamed, embarrassed about and spend time, money and focus on fixing it. CBT joins into narcissistic hysteria and also sets us up to resolve supposed broken parts of our character - which in reality are not broken at all.
Problem with explanations and definitions and labels and stigma and judgements and prejudgements - is that when I believe in it - I will be stuck in labyrinth, I will be set in wrong direction, and I will create the world in accorance to self prophecy. The higher and moral code - the stronger the will to be stuck in wrong direction with wrong tools, with wrong people with wrong explanations with wrong steps, everything will be wrong.
Social anxiety from this prospective is result of con-artists, abusers and psychopaths on one corner and our high moral and ethical standards at another corner - where our own strong beliefs and desire to be good, nice and fair is used against us via toxic empathy. We were conditioned to believe that our own core being is wrong and stupid and shameful - reaction to abuse in form of inhibitions - and now we are stuck in hypnosis that we must heal, cure, overcome, conquer our own persona and character - by following practically voodoo magic - complex steps and explanations which are based on self pathology. Internet gurus and self help especially parasite on our desire to be good and nice and to be functional and productive at our own expense. Problem is that without self worth we won't be able to function in anything in life, especially in social situations where other person is throwing labels, criticism and accusations. Our high and moral standards will turn accusations in automatic self blame, trauma and condotioning from criticism in our formative years will also turn strong self blame - and gurus and self help and CBT will simply satisfy our wrong belief that we are broken. We are the ones who will invite gurus, self help and CBT to guide us into wrong direction since we refuse to trust our self - which we cannot trust since it exhibits social inhibitions - which are not our fault at all. Trauma was not caused by us - we are not the ones who created the wounds. CBT, self help and gurus will try to convince us that we are broken and we are responsible for being abused and that we must fix something inside us to be strong and without weakness. That is a lie. Our self worth, intrinsic locus of control does not and cannot be defined by external explanation - by certain people who present themselves as authority such as CBT.
The simple approach to social anxiety without complex steps is self expression - that I speak out, alarm and alert others. Another is cutting toxic people off and stepping away from toxic ambient whenever possible. Instead of being preoccupied with cognitive distortions and fixing them as CBT instructs us - the focus is on intrinsic locus of control and our goals in life. Our focus is then our desire what we see as the common sense best way - knowing the education beforehand about what is healthy and what is toxic to us. This way we are not guided by our fears, we are not in constant struggle, we do not spend money, time, energy, focus on fighting and consequently stuck with toxic people and toxic ambient.
Self worth is critical here. Our locus of control will consequently be in constant clash with other people - hence social anxiety triggers. There are people who have lower IQ, lower skills, higher psychopathy, lower empathy - and their views will be distorted. Yet they will be aggressive and manipulative to present their views, explanations as absolute truth. With abuse we will believe them. With trauma experience we won't confront them. We will automatically believe anything they say and we will self blame ourselves as the cause of any problem.
The solution to this is deeper processing of Descartes' doubt. It is challenging any claim that other people make. I believe with social anixety we already know this. With empathy and our higher social skills - we will devote large amount of our free time to learn about society and rules. Our high moral and ethical standards will be built on this knowledge and education what is common sense - what is correct. The correct approach is to self blame ourselves first, then question other people. The correct approch is to be open to other people, in healthy and normal and sane environment these socially anxious seeds work without any inhibitions as after-effect. Normal and sane people would not exploit us and their accusations and criticism would be formed, calculated and presented in acceptable manner. In toxic ambient, with toxic people - this interaction does not work.
Toxic people work from greed, deep seated toxic shame, unresolved psychological states which fester inside them, low psychological hygiene takes the toll inside them and the only way they handle their toxic shame and dysregulation is through abusing and controlling other people. With toxic people our high moral and ethical standards will not work, in fact these high levels of any sane and normal person will be used against oneself.
Therefore learning how to retort to toxic people, learning how they operate, learning their tools how they manipulate - is essential. With high moral and ethical standards - we will not be intrusive and toxic empathy will convince us that we leave other people alone and that we cannot control them - so why would be involve in toxic people and learn about them. Due to situations where we cannot escape toxic people - we will be forced to deal with them. Our learned skills and empathy will not be sufficient tools to deal with them. Without proper defense, without proper knowledge about toxic people, we will end up with toxic shame, self blame and self pathology. We won't be aware that toxic people lie and use coercive control. We won't be aware that their constant and relentless criticism is harming our brain over long period of time, it created wounds and trauma.
Part of dealing with toxic people is knowing that it is not about King of the hill competition. It will mean to cut contact and seeking resolution and that we will be injured and taken advantage of - where seeking revenge and compensation will not work. Holding toxic people accountable will work. Taking the truth, being absolutely honest, creating documentation about their abuse, being objective - will work. With toxic empathy we will be silent and shut up and we won't make it legal - we will try to spare their feelings and keep truth away from them. That is social anxiety, that is why we feel anxiety - due to toxic empathy and cutting ourselves short. Since we were always punished and injured by toxic people - we expect that our truth is not working. It works alright. Toxic people try to be charming and they try to influence other people. Their reputation is at stake. Truth is our weapon against toxic people - and we do not use it with toxic shame inside us and with toxic empathy ideas installed inside us.
I would see social anxiety in the direction of highly sensitivity. It is plethora of reacting to life with deeper stimuli processing. It is not sick, it is not sickness, it is different than default majority, it will be labeled as weak by default majority. With high sensitivity we have certain ways of processing situations and people which may seem as limitation when it is observed from the lens of default majority. Being sensitive, being kind, being quiet will be mistaken for being weak, stupid and easy to fool. Problem starts when we start to buy into explanations by default majority and believe their interpretations of our sensitivity. I believe social anxiety is given false definitions and explanations by CBT which totally ignores trauma, HSP and covert narcissists and not being able to take these three concepts into consideration - the main default medical approach to social anxiety is totally wrong and detrimental to anyone seeking help for issues related to trauma which google, society and self-help resources will define as social anxiety.
Instead of helping with social anxiety, the superficial explanation of social anixety paradoxically creates more of social anxiety.
Toxic people are not always overtly abusive. The ability to spot someone toxic is also in how they are intrusive - comments that they make which are not realistic and which involves matters which are none of their business. Almost like gossiping - and it is targeted at the way someone lives and this is presented as a flaw, mistake. This is highly connected to social anixety, where we are highly sensitive to criticism and negative evaluation. We need to be aware of toxic people who are overtly intrusive and covertly intrusive too. The covert ones will package their abuse in sarcasm, or mocking, it will be packaged well enough to fly under the detection radar. The more we are able to recognize it, the less it will wreck havoc inside us due to toxic shame already present inside. Social anixety is here only as an alarm - to alert us that someone is toxic and we let them in.
With social anxiety is seems as if our fears are sign of flaw and cowardice, that we need to expose and be strong and courageous. It is not. This is false, superficial view of social inhibitions. In reality the fears and blockages and inhibitions and immobility is related to other people. It is social - the fears, blockages, inhibitions and immobility is related to society's criticism and negative evaluation. We are not afraid of being strong or courageous - we are afraid with social anxiety of trauma: someone's nagging, complaining, invalidation. Our fears are centrally connected and wired to criticism, potential or real one. That is why exposure will not help. Exposure will only make us into codependent working machine and pushover - someone who is exploited and controlled and manipulated by toxic people who will sniff out our reactivity and reaction to their criticism, nagging and abuse and aggression.
This means that instead of exposure there ought to be different approach - direction in the mistake making, being ok with flaws, knowing that mistakes are part of life, that blunders will happen no matter how perfect we might try to be. It is about knowing and expecting that we will speak out stupid and moronic things which other people will react, nag and complain. It is knowing that we will make wrong moves and stupid decisions - to the point to make them on purpose and experience the pain of someone's complaining and nagging with knowing that reactions we feel in response are trauma response, dysregulation, it is trauma itself. Also we can know that toxic people complain and nag in general - and that we cut contact with such people as much as it is realistic and possible. And to warn and alert them when they are unrealistic and want instant gratification. If we follow CBT advice about being strong and courageous we will stay stuck with toxic people and toxic ambient, we won't break the contact - and we will self blame and self pathologize our reactions to someone being unreasonable in their criticism and unfair judgement. Instead of seeing other people as the source of problem - we will nitpick our reactions which in most cases are legitimate. There are toxic people on the other side who are unreasonable, unrealistic and erratic - not us. With CBT we will never take into account that toxic people are dangerous and that they need to be minimized and ignored and cut off.
Instead of exposure there is self expression and to face mistakes, flaws and blunders. Being willing to experience judgement and criticism with strong self worth - knowing my value inside me. Knowing that trauma and conditioning will make me fawn and codependent to fix other people's issues and moods - and not fawning and not fixing other people unless they ask. CBT exposure will not deal with the core wound - fear of making mistakes and being criticized - so exposure will end with fawning and being obedient to rude and aggressive toxic people. I will tend to fawn and be obedient and servile due to toxic shame so exposure will not help with toxic shame which is producing ill effects of trauma. If I expose I need to be educated about toxic shame, about fawning reaction, about dysregulation and futile attempt to govern it - while instead it is needed to wait for pain to pass. Without education about toxic people I will never cut toxic with them, I will never learn how to cut contact immediately when first red flags appear. Without education about psychopathy I will develop toxic empathy and feel sorry for the abusers and find normalizations and rationalizations of their abuse and put them in primary focus. With CBT half baked explanations I will never put self reliance in my primary focus. Instead other people's mood and expectations will be primary concern which means more of social anxiety.
With social anxiety we are conditioned and hypnotized to believe that mistakes, flaws, ignorance, blunders are social faux pax, something bad and evil, embarrassing and that it results in punishment, attack, aggression, violence. So we need to test it. First it is realization that socially confident people, popular people are the ones who are not afraid of displaying mistakes and making mistakes. In fact, that is what makes them attractive. From the fear prism lookout point we are conditioned to believe that making mistake will result in bad things happening, that we will be labeled as wrong and nuts and people will avoid us, that something bad will happen. It won't. The inability to make mistake keeps us under the ice, we never break the ice and test what happens when we are not perfect. What we see due to social anxiety is other people's anger, someone's particular anger and their aggression and mood - and this is in primary focus - one person being erratical and moody and aggressive. We are unable to step back and see the bigger picture - the picture where other people are annoyed by this tyrannical critic, the picture where alarming and alerting this person is healthy and will be healthy for such person - since they will learn that their behaviour is unreasonable and created chaos. We do not step outside and do not see how we have option to ignore and cut contact with toxic person and to face them directly. We are not implanted with retort words such as I disagree with you. Instead - we rely on conditioning and hypnosis such as fawning, shutting up, self censorship and immobility. Then not being able to perform normal function stems from trauma and conditioning - not from our personality flaw. We are stuck in hypnosis. Not being able to perform normal social functions which other people do without inhibitions is hynosis. It is not character flaw. Therefore CBT nitpicking our thoughts will not work and will create more toxic shame. Exposing to others will not work - since we still be stuck in hypnosis, trauma, Charcot Hysteria. Our amygdala will be hijacked, we will be dysregulated. Suppressing emotions will not work - such as exposing to become desensitized - since our reaction is not pathology. The reaction is conditioning, hyponosis, it is implanted memories to be pushover and obedient, to fawn and to be immobile.
When we don't know where we stand - other people will apepar and they will inject their priorities in our life. We won't know what to do, how to do, we will be stuck and immobile - and other people will control us and manipulate this way. If we have toxic shame inside, we will be prone to see the world through abuser's point of view - which means seeing the world as battle. Then we will attract information from people who resonate with the same issues as our trauma. That is why trauma is external element and needs to be healed, that we no longer react in life, that we rely on our self worth instead of other people's explanations, guidelines, instructions, definitions, norms, orders.
So the trauma work regarding social redicule and stigma is making mistakes. It is doing what we would normally do - without reacting any more to blunders and from now on seeing blunders as part of life. Something that is good - being wrong gives other people opportunity to learn, for them to express their opinion, they will appear as saviours and advisors, it will give them a sense of purpose in life - that is why change in mindset about mistakes, flaws and blunders in necessary - not exposure itself. Mere exposure will not do, it will not tackle where the problem stems from: erroneous thinking, solidified beilefs in form of compulsion, obsessions and hypnosis - believing that our mistakes are equal to our character.
When we are no longer focused on mistakes and flaws and avoiding those, without using energy, focus and time and money on avoiding mistakes and keeping them safe from occurring, we will have free space to shift focus on self reliance and self expression. Primary focus will no longer be other people, external reference locus of control, their views, suggestions, nagging and complainig. I see that with psychopaths this will be the problem - where they will try to regain focus on themselves through violence, aggression, temper tantrums - which are triggers to traumatized conditioned targets of abuse. Our high moral and ethical standards are creating this urge to be afraid of making mistakes. Being too nice, being too good, trying to be too good is creating the disorder. Without being aware of it - toxic people will control and manipulate us by demanding perfectionism which is unreal and in the same time they will manipulate us by accusing our mistakes as being detrimental, wrong, painful, hurting and damaging to them or others. That is why a certain dosage of being bad is required - without it evil people will make us mentally ill - we will be obsessed with worry which won't be able to remove. Being able to be cruel at certain level is required to overcome social anxiety. Our definitions of cruel and evil is distorted and skewed by toxic people.
With social anxiety and fawning and trauma we will tend to have external reference locus of control, trauma bonding and codependency issues - which means CBT advice to engage in assertiveness by proving my point will keep me trauma bonded. I will seek approval and appraisal from someone who is unreasonable and who is reacting to my words. I will feel ashamed for doing or saying something and I will feel obliged to explain it to someone who is pretending to not know what I am talking about. This way I will try to be avoid from being "cruel" and cruelty may be as simple as cutting contact with someone toxic and telling them directly in the face what I think about them. That is why exposure will not work - with trauma bonding already present due to trauma there will be even more trauma bonding with any exposure.
With trauma, social anxiety, immobility, inability to perform normal healthy operations due to social inhibitions - our persona is not formed. Persona, true self means having shadow integrated, too. With all our personality in full it is easier to solve problems, deal with issues and forsee what might happen, see things from more than one angle in life. Social anixety is quick view that there is danger and that action is not worthwhile. Social anxiety is also conditioning and hypnosis that we must be good and nice and that certain aspects of behaviour and talking and thinking is bad and evil - while in reality it is not evil nor bad at all. The more we become aware of our conditioning and changing it by forming new perspective, the more healthier we will become. It is humanistic therapy approach - that we are aware of what is wrong and consciously choosing the better option. Social anxiety means that our character is not faulty. If it were faulty, we would not function at all - we would have issues also without social functions. There is no problem when environment is safe and healthy - therefore there is no pathology. The only issue is reaction to bad, wrong, distorted, aggressive toxic psychopaths and sociopaths who are not sincere and who have covert, hidden agenda - and their lies are what we feel as anxiety.
Dealing with social anxiety then comes down in dealing with difficult people: how to process intrusive criticism, intrusive evaluations, intrusive words from anyone - without getting entangled and with a set of tools how to evaluate the source of intrusion. Is it red flag or false alarm - false alarm might be someone who appears intrusive but in more detailed examination there is no sign of aggression. It is also ability to self express and self-rely, where I redefine my definitions of cruelty and other person's definitions of anything they claim. Before with conditioning I would trust and believe and go along with anything anyone claimed - good or bad. Also I would shut up and withold my comment. And I would stay stuck with toxic people - instead of cutting contact with them. I would withold my irritation with them and try to be pleasant and nice with plenty of toxic empathy. I would believe that being nice to other people will stop them from being abusive.
One way of unspoken, unexplained part of dealing with difficult people is calling them out, holding predators accountable for their behaviour. This is where our high moral and ethical standards come into play. Instead of being used against us - speaking out someone's errors and fallacies and criminal acts is the right thing to do. With social anxiety, trauma and abuse and conditioning this is hard due to triggers, flashbacks and panic - yet this panic is Charcot hysteria, is stems from the unknown. The panic and freezing and fawning stems from the unknown, not being aware that we are abused and justifying the abuser and minimizing their abuse mixed with toxic empathy. This part needs healing - and ability to break free from shutting up and being frozen is ability to be cruel ourselves - or to be more exact - to lower our impossible standards of what is defined as good, nice, moral and ethically correct.
This is the stumbling block for social anxiety - which is seen and described by CBT as personality flaw, a weakness by abusers and bullies. Reacting to abusers and difficult people is mixed reaction of speaking the truth, holding bullies accountable and cutting contact with toxic people. It simply comes down to speaking the truth, facts, being objective, alarming and alerting.
Healing trauma means no longer being triggered by trauma - and in social anxiety means no longer reacting to criticism and negative evaluations. Not reacting does not mean ignoring it, rejecting it or fighting it. It means it no longer is primary concern or central focus.
The point is having my self worth, self relience, self expression, my goals as central focus, self validation and self acceptance, self love and taking care of myself. With trauma, conditioning and social anxiety I place taking care of others as my primary focus, due to toxic empathy. I see other's mood and fixing their issues as primary concern with external referencing and trauma and conditioning.
Feeling of inhibition which CBT and gurus label as weakness and personality flaw - is dysregulation. If I see fears as character flaw, I will develop instant toxic shame and dependence on other people. If I see it as trauma response - I can stop nitpicking panic symptoms and stop being preoccupied with panic and difficult people as primary concern - and shift focus on myself, my self worth, my goals, my values - which means taking care of myself and cutting toxic people off instead of pleasing them and obeying them and their unreasonable and hysterical demands.
I also believe that feelings of inhibitions and fears from certain people stem from more than reacting to toxicity. It is also packaged with their psychopathy and sociopathy as well - which many people hold behind mask and some people never express it, they hide it.
The central issue with trauma and social anxiety is someone's unfair and unjustified criticism, when we have done no wrong, yet someone complains. This is especially true and painful in situations where socially anxious person cannot retort, respond and defend - such as job - for the risk of losing the job. So Maslow needs are connected with this inhibitions. If we had money, it would be easy solution - quit job and find another one.
As I said main default reaction to someone's criticism is learned helplesness and fawning. What would happen if instead of shutting up and self censorship I speak up my side of story? In the most extreme cases I would be punished, bullied and or lose a job. How realistic is if people would be fired for speaking the truth and not taking unfair treatment? I could speak out the truth and test it.
I think what happens is that we are triggered by similar abuse from the childhood years and now it feels that fears are character flaw - and this label of fears as sign of being coward, worthless, inept is causing the damage. That is conditioning. Also dysregulation happens and with amygdala hijacking it is pointless to seek solutions and yet we are forced to be focused and produce quality decisions - while inside there is dysregulation caused by triggers.
This is all complex trauma. This all stems from being exposed to relentless criticism while our psyche was forming, being inside toxic ambient with nagging and complaining and intrusive objections, expecting perfection and obedience and being exposed to adult hysteria - now ends up as being unable to process triggers as they happen. Someone's explanations, definitons, labels of our panic makes things only worse. It adds up to toxic shame already present inside. If I am able to define and make assestment of true reality - rather than automatically believing someone's criticism, I may be able to see my defense more clearly. If I fawn automatically I won't have defense, I won't have self worth - and this will add up to trauma.
In social anxiety when criticism occurs, negative evaluation - real or potential one - we will get triggered, we will be dysregulated and there will be manifold of issues. I need to be aware of it, why it is happening and that one solution will not be enough. It is also connected with rancour and holding on to grudge, it is connected with being seen vulnerable, wrong, mistaken and other people making secondary judgement based on the first blunder or someone's complaint which most often will not even be true nor fair. What makes me stuck is belief that I must be good and nice and that I must not fail other people and that I must have presentation of someone courageous and strong - by fawning and ignoring and censoring my natural response which may not be pretty. Most people who do complain, criticize are psychopaths. Not all - but must of them are abnormal.
Letting go - this option was never in spotlight for me. What would happen if I do not ignore, but instead release need to appear strong. If I ignore, as I was instructed by self-help and my own explanations, I would build tremendous wall and trying to keep it, ignoring is still active waste of energy. Letting go means not taking other people's orders and law to follow. Ignoring means fawning and going along with someone's orders and screaming and hysteria. Letting go means not being preoccupied with someone's reactions and this may entail someone's being physically violent and more hysterical. Yet not being disturbed by it - I go along with my task at hand.
Ignoring is toxic. Letting go also means to quit something toxic. Ignoring means staying inside something toxic and that makes it toxic - that I am unable to protect myself.
If I am in situation where I cannot leave nor quit - than letting go is the only solution which is healthy.
Self relience can be toxic - for example when I refuse to seek help or engage in interdependence. However self relience from the prism of self worth is taking care of myself and not being burden to anyone such as being parasite. When I have trauma, fears, panic - I am disabled from performing normal functions - such as having a job - having an income. I cannot be self relient if I do not know how to handle difficult people and difficult toxic situations in proper manner. The idea is that bad things will happen anyways - no matter what I do and no matter how much I try to be good and perfect.
Evil, rude people will be determined to be evil and rude no matter how much I try to ignore them or appease them. Staying in hamster wheel of worrying will not prevent bad things from happening, it will not prevent evil people being evil. Letting go means not being preoccupied by evil people - so that I can shift focus on being calm, that I calm down dysregulation. This means that bad evil people will be bad and evil - no matter how much I try to fawn to them, and this means once I stop fawning, they will be evil and bad much sooner.
Letting go entails cutting toxic people off, not going along with their plans, not listening to them, not complying to their demands, and it means sticking to my original plan how I do things. And this will cause stir and pain and attack from aggressive people.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
Shame is a soul eating emotion.
S, TWITTER:
Judgmentental people don't know a thing about your situation.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Healing means learning how to receive love when you were never shown.
S, TWITTER:
Abuse is a slow death, that sometimes lead to an early one.
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
Healing is an active process. It takes work and commitment. Which is counter to what society typically tries to sell: a quick fix.
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
The goal of a healthy society is to get as many people out of survival mode as possible.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
A mistake is an accident. Bullying, stalking and lying are not mistakes, they are intentional choices.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
Don’t take advice on how to live your life from dysfunctional people.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Removing yourself from anywhere you don’t feel loved, appreciated and respected is self-care at its finest.
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
We are not victims of our past, we are creators of our future through the countless choices we make every day.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces..
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
In dysfunctional families: the emotional climate revolves around one person who tends to have the highest need for constant attention. Anyone who stops feeding into this pattern becomes the black sheep who faces rejection, shame, or ridicule.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You don't have to explain yourself to others to have a boundary for yourself.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Your silence won't protect you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Just because someone carries it well doesn't mean it's not heavy. Be kind always...
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Avoid people that give you acceptance only when you do what they want.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
Therapists are not advice givers.
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
The foundation of an emotionally healthy person is a home where: adults are safe and predictable, all emotions are valid, self expression is encouraged, and personal accountability is modeled.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
People say things like “You need to toughen up” while avoiding their role in traumatizing innocent people who are doing the honest and brave work to heal.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of speaking up for yourself if someone is crossing your boundaries or making light of what matters to you.
Toxic individuals violate others without a care....
How you are treated matters because you matter...
Be your own advocate.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Intuitive people know and feel "everything" on a deeper level. We're not fooled by words or appearances because we experience what's going on below the surface...we feel your energy shifts, intentions, judgments, lies, truths and sneaky shit.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
What to do if you are a victim of workplace scapegoating:
Never abandon yourself. Just because others treat you poorly, it is never okay to treat yourself that way. No matter what happens, always make sure you treat yourself well.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It takes more than "willpower" to undo the conditioning that trauma inflicts upon our nervous system.
We're not gonna "gut" our way out of PTSD-- we gotta work a recovery plan that realistically gives us options for feeling safe & continuing to function.
You can do this.
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
People’s behavior is how they feel about themselves.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Stay away from people who use sarcasm and subtle digs and then pretend they are joking. They intend to wound you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
When a toxic individual senses that you are becoming confident in yourself or independent in validation, they will go to lengths to re-traumatize you again.
Red flag...
Narcopath Info, TWITTER:
Narcissists, never talk to people - they talk at people.
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
As you heal, the dysfunction in society becomes more and more clear. And it gets harder and harder to take part in it.
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
For recovering people pleasers it’s important to understand we will disappoint people— for various reasons. Adults are fully capable of being disappointed. Our role has never been to please everyone.
S, TWITTER:
Abusers never make feel like you're a somebody, because they are always putting you down.
You ARE a somebody.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Compassionate people with high empathy but weak boundaries are often a target of the abusive person.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Healing is when you no longer feel like that you need to fix someone in order to get love from them.
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
Trauma hijacks the nervous system and creates a sense of urgency that comes with fight or flight. To heal, we have to teach our body it’s safe to take our time. To pause before we respond. To not frantically rush. To not believe our role is to fix everything.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
If you are not sure, the answer is no. If someone rushes or forces you to make a decision, the answer is no. If you feel any bad energy, bullshit, weird vibes, or sneaky shit, the answer is no. If someone tries to change your "no" to "maybe" or "yes", the answer is still no.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Trust your body. If your body says no to a situation, person or place – remove yourself immediately.
S, TWITTER:
You can never please an Abuser.
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
The freeze response (long term) can present as depression. The body in an attempt to avoid a threat, immobilizes. This means no motivation, little movement, and no desire to connect.
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
Adult tantrums are the result of an inability to self regulate. They can look like: screaming, name calling, stomping off, attacking people who disagree, or intimidation.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The way a trigger reminds us of a past trauma doesn't matter-- & sometimes we're not even gonna understand what the connection is.
Our nervous system's not gonna bother explaining-- so we just gotta get grounded & talk ourselves through it. Especially our scared "young" parts.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We don't "just decide not to worry" our way out of a "fawn" trauma response.
That anxious people-pleasing thing is a nervous system reaction, not a "choice."
Changing it's gonna take awareness, time, consistency-- & self-compassion (ugh, I KNOW!).
Art Of Philosophy, TWITTER:
Don't waste your time stressing about things you can't change.
S, TWITTER:
I admit, my self- esteem isn't the greatest, because I was put down by my Abusive father growing up, and than my ex.
Self- confidence is so impt, and others can see when someone lacks it. They start treating the person poorly.
S, TWITTER:
Living an abuse-free life, is a blessing, that many people will never understand.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
It's time to walk away if you repeatedly find yourself arguing with someone.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissistic don't seek their victims approval. They believe they are entitled to mock and ridicule you because you threaten their perceived power.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Unless your fighting for your life and others... Anger can save your life.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
STOP giving folks the benefit of the doubt in the name of LOVE when they’ve shown you repeatedly they do NOT love YOU!
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
Someone needs to hear this: being busy 24/7 and never allowing yourself a moment to sit still or having nothing planned is a trauma response to a chaotic childhood.
Reva Steenbergen, TWITTER:
If you share you fears with a narcissist you will find they will all of the sudden begin to happen
Reva Steenbergen, TWITTER:
Narcissists do not have a personality (blank, monotone, flat) but do have hoards of narcissism.
Because they lack an "actual" identity they must copy in attempts to own the identifying factors of others
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
Emotional maturity is understanding no one owes you anything.
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
A good sign you’re healing is that when dating, you’re not trying to get people to choose you. Instead, you’re choosing.
S, TWITTER:
People remain constant.
That bully from high school, is a bully now too.
We are taught to give people 2nd chances. Nah, you're just hurting yourself if you do. People show you the first time, who they really are.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
You’re not doing yourself a favor sticking around in situations where a person continually steps out on you. You are a placeholder. Stop disrespecting yourself.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Victims are not responsible for predators behaviors...
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Targets are not responsible for the abuse. Those in power are responsible for toxic environments as well as the moral and ethical values that instill dignity and respect for ALL employees.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Be very stringent on who you let into your life, one toxic person can bring your whole life down.
Dr. Nicole LePera, Psychologist, TWITTER:
When we grow up in a home where our emotional needs aren't met we can develop either:
- self absorption
- self rejection
This deeply impacts our relationships.
When our core needs aren't met, we develop coping strategies.
Self absorption is when we become fully consumed with our own needs being met.
This leaves other people feeling: unseen and invalidated.
Self absorption looks like:
- inability to see another person's perspective
- inability to compromise
- easy to anger to shut down if someone else voices their own needs
- making demands around behavior
- making decisions without awareness of others
Examples of self absorption in relationships:
- person makes a significant decision (where to live, job choice) without even speaking to their partner
- harsh communication styles: "I don't care!" "You have nothing to be upset about" "F your job!"
- ultimatums "you need to do this, or else" "if you don't do x i'll..." "do x right now or we are over!"
- false promises (appeasing): partner promises they'll change certain behaviors with no intention of following through.
Self absorption is common when we were raised in homes where parents "did their own thing" without communication or consideration of each other.
The result: we didn't learn relational skills that involve working together as a team.
Self rejection looks like:
- completely deferring to a partner's perspective
- when people are angry treat me badly, it's my fault
- i'm most comfortable in relationships where I'm meeting the needs of others
- self sacrifice makes me feel "good"
Examples of self rejection in relationships:
- giving up your dreams, goals, aspirations to focus solely on your partners
- playing the role of: fixer, enabler, or caretaker to another adults, regularly
- lack of boundaries
- ignoring, denying, or making excuses for a partner's harmful behavior
- self esteem depends on how other people feel about me in any given moment
Self rejection is common when we were raised in homes where parents were codependent, emotionally abusive, or where there were consistent power struggles.
The result: we learn self betrayal as love.
Healing from self absorption:
1. Notice the pattern: many people who have this pattern, aren't aware of this because this behavior was normal in childhood. Notice how often you center your own feelings.
2. Get curious: ask your partner questions "tell me how you felt" or "what can I do to support you?"
3. Focus on compromise: practice understanding what you and your partner want and come to compromises, rather than absolutes or declarations.
Healing from self rejection:
1. Start to understand what your needs actually are: practice noticing when you need rest, food, a break, or connection
2. Learn healthy emotional responsibility: people who engage in self rejection have learned to take emotional responsibility for how people feel. Learn it's ok for people to feel upset or bad without "fixing" it.
3. Practice boundaries: while those with self absorption patterns tend to have extreme or rigid boundaries, those with self rejection patterns tend to have none. They feel most comfortable people pleasing or appeasing.
Learn to set clear, firm boundaries.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Some people reading this would rather chew their arm off rather than ask for help. We get it in our head that it's not safe to ask for help, that there's no point, that we "should" be able to do it ourselves.
Reaching out is complicated. We don't have to pretend it's not.
Andrew Campbell, TWITTER:
Speak out. Abuse thrives in silence.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Our inner child needs to hear:
- it wasn’t your fault
- they should have protected you
- it’s safe to be exactly who you are
- it’s incredibly sad your gifts and talents weren’t noticed
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Emotional maturity: Not everyone needs to think the same way I do.
S, TWITTER:
Victims of Abuse don't fit into society's standards of what is considered "normal" & "acceptable. Therefore, society prefers 2 ignore reality & facts.
By the way, what is "normal?" People just make stuff up of what they think is normal & what suits & benefits them.
Ignorance!
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Recognize the people who are dangerous to your emotional wellbeing before they damage you permanently. Trust your instincts. Have faith in your gut.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Before you argue with someone, ask yourself, is this person even mentally mature enough to grasp different perspectives? Because many are not, there's absolutely no point in engaging in productive dialogue.
Dr. Thema, TWITTER:
As you heal, you stop neglecting your garden while overwatering theirs.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We're NOT a "bad" or "inadequate" person because we struggle w/ trauma.
Recovery isn't about becoming a "better" person-- it's about repairing damage to our nervous system.
We might change who we are in the process-- but not because who we were was "wrong" before.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
In our culture, neurodivergency is looked at as something that needs fixing. These traits are actually superpowers: ability to focus deeply on things that interest you, ability to see patterns, ability to know when you’ve had enough and reached your limit.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional & disabled.
Reva Steenbergen, TWITTER:
Narcissists are filled with narcissism and emptiness and target humanity.
Empaths are filled with intuition and emotion and embody humanity
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It's ironic that many trauma survivors think of themselves as fundamentally fearful people, because they so often feel afraid or anxious-- when the TRUTH is, most survivors reading this have demonstrated WAY more real world courage than the people around them would EVER suspect.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
You don’t need a label or a diagnosis for someone who is toxic. You know they are toxic. You know what they said and did. So act accordingly.
Reva Steenbergen, TWITTER:
A narcissist is banking on the fact that you care about what other people think of you, so they can round up all the enablers and gaslight you in the most unflattering way
True freedom happens when you don't care about being judged by others because damn it
YOU know who you ARE
Reva Steenbergen, TWITTER:
Narcissism doesn't allow a person to accept accountability therefore they project this on to others so they try to make a another accountable for who they are & what they've done "just admit it and I'll stop" they say
So you take accountabolity for what their narcissism can't see
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
Accepting things as they are & coping intentionally is a cheat code to protecting your immune system.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
Constant toxic stress can weaken your immune system.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic individuals focus on your faults like they don't have any to work on..
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Distance is my new response. I don't return energy. I remove myself.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma has a way of convincing us that the evidence that we're smart doesn't count, or the evidence that people like us, or the evidence that we're good at stuff.
Trauma brain likes to ignore everything that doesn't fit w/ its "you ACTUALLY suck, you know" BS (Belief System).
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
Stop allowing fear to make your decisions.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
A good sign that someone is emotionally well is that they're flexible. They're open to change and they can stay grounded even when things don't go as planned, or when they're disappointed.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Our emotions are much more tied to diseases than we believe they are. Repressed emotion, specifically.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
A good way to see if you have developmental trauma is to notice how you feel and react when someone has an angry, disappointed, or neutral (flat) expression:
Does it send you into fight or flight?
Do you immediately feel like you’ve done something wrong?
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
A chronic focus on people’s moods, their facial expressions, + a feeling we’re going to be “in trouble” or wondering if we’ve done something wrong is a stress response to a chaotic childhood. The mood change of parent often meant: we were not safe.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Healing means no longer protecting yourself from something that no longer exists in reality.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Childhood trauma creates an adult fear of connection. We want it, but we don't know how to get it. We have it, then we fear it. We seek it in people who aren't safe to have connection with.
Ultimately, it creates a connection problem.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Learning how to say "no" and mean it is one of life's most important skills.
C.G. Jung Foundation, TWITTER:
"There is nothing I am quite sure about. I have no definite convictions – not about anything, really. I know only that I was born and exist, and it seems to me that I have been carried along. I exist on the foundation or something I do not know." - C.G.J.
Storm🌪, TWITTER:
You can literally change someone’s whole life by simply believing in them.
Raven Lovette, TWITTER:
People know your worth they just hope you don’t.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Contrary to popular belief, ignoring workplace bullying does not make it stop, in many cases makes it worse.
How My Parents Raised Me Podcast, TWITTER:
When someone is abusive to your face and you go into freeze and don’t respond or go into fawn and try and make them feel better about abusing you that’s your nervous system keeping you safe. Healing is about changing those responses.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Trying to change someone who continues the same pattern of harmful behavior is a trauma response. Many children desperately tried to get a parent to change, and fall into this same role as adults.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma recovery's NOT about becoming a "perfect" version of us. It's not about solving EVERY problem we have. It's NOT about "happy ever after."
It's about honestly seeing & realistically coping w/ the damage that was done-- day by day, as best we can.
No more; no less.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It's hard to think of ourselves as "whole" or "good" when trauma's whispering in our ear that we're "damaged" or "dirty."
Trauma often tells us we have a "fundamental flaw" that will keep us "unworthy" no matter how much work we do.
Trauma is what we call a "bullshit artist."
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Learning to love yourself is a process that can only happen when you start to actually know yourself. You cannot love someone you don't know.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When we're stuck in the trauma body (perpetual fight or flight) we're unable to concentrate on anything beyond what activates our stress hormonal response. We spend our entire lives reacting, instead of responding.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
You can always tell when someone was raised by a highly neurotic parent who demanded perfection. They over-apologize, think everyone is mad at them, and feel deep shame over simple mistakes: "I'm such an idiot."
The critical parental voice lives within.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
For many of us, our core role as a child was to manage a parent's difficult mood. As adults we're hypervigilant: always focusing on people's facial expressions, their voice changes, or startling when we hear footsteps because the body is still on guard.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
As a society, we have to evolve how we see addiction. Addiction is an attempt at self soothing. When our needs aren't met, and we don't learn how to self regulate: we are primed for addictive behavior.
It's a response.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
If you don’t invite peace into your life — you’ll never see it. Do your part.
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
Toxic people only change their victims, never themselves. Remember that.
Reva Steenbergen, TWITTER:
Those touched by the evil mechanisms of narcissistic abuse are always authentic, honest people with care & compassion 💔
"She was loved by everyone"
"He had the kindest heart"
"There was nothing she wouldn't do for her kids"
"He was a hero who rescued animals"
Empaths are targets
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Stay away from people that make you out to be a bad person just because they are experiencing unpleasant emotions.
psychology of mind, TWITTER:
No matter how good you are, people will judge you according to their own insecurities.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
In order to heal, you have to stop pretending it doesn’t hurt.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
The toxic person will excuse their disrespectful behavior by saying that you caused it somehow.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissistic personalities are notorious cowards.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Slander and defamation are control tactics...
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
This is my last message to you:
In sorrow, seek happiness.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Boundaries won't make you lose friends and relationships. They will make you lose undercover haters and manipulators.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Triggers aren't limited to straightforward sensory stuff-- sounds, smells, images. They can be more complex and subtle-- a look in someone's eyes, a tone in someone's voice, the "feel" of a day.
Turns out, complex trauma results in complex triggers.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
When you start to realize so many people are actually emotionally wounded children in adult bodies, you stop taking so much shit personally.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
If you're reading this, you probably know that convincing our nervous system it's safe to see what we see, know what we know, & feel what we feel can be rough.
We're NOT gonna "force" our nervous system into anything. We gotta work WITH it-- not against it.
Easy does it.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Normal life involves situations that feel-- or are-- unsafe.
When we have PTSD, those less-than-safe situations can trigger a MASSIVE reaction in our nervous system-- leaving us confused & frustrated why we "overreacted" to a "normal" situation.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Trauma makes you think your self-worth depends on how others treat you. Healing makes you realize you are not how they treat you, they are how they treat you, and you didn't lose them because of your boundaries, they lost you because of their repeated disrespect.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
Oversharing isn't smart.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Core signs you’re chronically dysregulated:
1. You can’t engage in conflict without lashing out or completely shutting down
2. You’re consistently feeling tired but wired (want to sleep but can’t)
3. You’re impatient and feel agitated at your baseline
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Sometimes our priority ISN'T gonna be staying grounded-- it's gonna be escaping certain feelings & memories, no matter what you have to do in the moment to get away. IYKYK.
No shame. We're talking emotional survival.
Developing coping skills that actually WORK takes time.
S, TWITTER:
Victims have nothing to prove to anyone...
We know the truth and if someone wants to ignore it, than that is their choice.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
A love language for anyone trying to heal from trauma is: safety.
C.G. Jung Foundation, TWITTER:
"I have frequently seen people become neurotic when they content themselves with inadequate or wrong answers to the questions of life. They seek position, marriage, reputation, outward success of money, & remain unhappy . . . even when they have attained what they were seeking."
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We're not gonna recover & indefinitely avoid our memories & feelings at the same time.
Trauma recovery's about learning & honing the tools & skills to SAFELY remember & process the hard stuff-- & in so doing FINALLY get off of this f*cking hamster wheel of avoidance & denial.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Healing isn’t about becoming a self improvement project, it’s about knowing you never needed fixing.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Childhood trauma creates a core belief that we’re a burden. This is why it’s hard for us to ask for our needs to be met. Or even feel like it’s ok to have needs. Learning to meet your own needs is a key part of healing trauma.
It restores self trust.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
Trauma will make you feel like you don’t deserve good things. Trauma will make it feel normal to be mistreated.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
An authentic apology lets the person know you understand the impact of what you’ve done and what you’ll do differently in the future.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
WALLS keep everybody out.
BOUNDARIES teach people where the door is.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissists hate being challenged, they view your rights and boundaries as a personal insult to their superiority.
Meghdad78654, TWITTER:
کسی که داره اشتباه میکنه رو شاید بشه متوجه کرد،
اما کسی که دلش میخواد اشتباه کنه رو نه!
Someone who is making a mistake may be noticed.
But not the one who wants to make a mistake!
Dr. Andrew Cicchetti, TWITTER:
Victims don’t stay volitionally; they stay because the perpetrator is abusing them. The tactics of coercive control bond, blind, break and bind.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Growing up, it's hard to develop a realistic, positive sense of who we are if our parents were inconsistent or absent-- physically or emotionally.
Acknowledging this isn't about "blame." It's about figuring out what the hell happened to make us feel so...empty.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
Some people are not trying to change their toxic behaviors & you cannot make them.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
The older you get, the more you choose calm over chaos and distance over disrespect. Drama becomes intolerable to you and your peace becomes your ultimate priority. You start surrounding yourself with people who are good for your mental health, heart and soul.
No BS Therapist, TWITTER:
“Overexplaining yourself is a trauma response”—then is refusing to explain yourself also a trauma response?
𝕷𝖎𝖘𝖆 la la la 𝕃𝕚𝕤𝕒, TWITTER:
Any sweeping generalisation is a big fat no from me. Overexplaining CAN be a trauma response but it can also not be. Learned behaviours are not necessarily the same as trauma responses, for example, and over explaining can be a learned behaviour. Doesn’t mean it’s from trauma.
Alex RRT MSW, TWITTER:
Trauma manifests it’s self in many ways. Healing yourself is a start. Coming to terms with the trauma and finding your own reaction helps expressing yourself regardless of what others say.
.
@saikotherapy, TWITTER:
The patient is not intransigent, stubborn, or uncooperative; he is afraid, uncertain, and torn between competing visions and inclinations’
~ Wachtel
Dr. Sasha Mercedes, TWITTER:
When you are mad at someone. Stop dropping hints and tell them why you are mad at them. How are you mad at a person, and they have no idea why?
Dr. Sasha Mercedes, TWITTER:
Someone told me I need to be more controversial to get people to pay more attention to my posts.
introvert, TWITTER:
a listener needs a listener too.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Manipulation is when they blame you for your reaction to their toxic behaviour, but never discuss their disrespect that triggered you.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
Healthy/Safe people are going to disappoint you sometimes. They are going to disagree with you sometimes. They are going to raise their voice sometimes. They are human. They are not perfect. It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
People are so used to responding from a place of insecurity instead of from a point of reflection/understanding.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The narcissist is the opposite of a warrior. He or she is nothing more than a coward. They are so developmentally arrested, their behavior resembles that of a five year old in an adult person’s body.
Mind Haste ⚡️, TWITTER:
Do you care when people hate you?
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Your path is more difficult because your calling is higher.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We DON'T wanna wait until we're triggered, to try to figure out what to do when we're triggered.
A LOT of trauma recovery is getting familiar w/ our triggers & reactions, so we can plan & practice realistic response patterns-- BEFORE we're, you know, desperate & melting down.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When a parent snaps or has a moment where they lose it & they apologize to their child— the child learns 3 things:
1. Humans have bad days & that’s ok.
2. It’s healthy to take responsibility for your behavior.
3. When people hurt you, it matters.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You are very hard to control when you hold very healthy boundaries.
You are very hard to manipulate when you trust your instincts.
You are very hard to influence when you know who you are.
This is your super power..
Dr. Andrew Cicchetti, TWITTER:
when it comes to domestic abuse and coercive control, there are not two sides to the story & it does not take two to tango.
there is simply, the truth. period. end of story.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
A mistake happens ONCE—anything else is a pattern.
#ThreadTherapist, TWITTER:
People who have no boundaries will see you setting boundaries as a sign of disrespect.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We can't learn what we weren't taught or what we didn't see modeled.
If our families sucked at handling feelings or resolving conflict, we're probably gonna struggle w/ it too. No shame.
Learning that stuff later sucks-- but we CAN learn it.
You're NOT hopeless.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
A mistake is an accident. Bullying, stalking and lying are not mistakes, they are intentional choices.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Don't listen to toxic individuals. You are not crazy or anything else they try to label you with. Standing up for yourself is "not a crime." Boundaries are natural and healthy, don't let them convince you otherwise.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Complex trauma can get in our head & try to convince us that people wouldn't like us if they knew the "real" us.
It tells us we "have" to keep up a fawning facade & hide our "real" self-- or else.
Remind yourself: that's just BS (Belief Systems).
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
kindness is the highest form of emotional intelligence.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Stay away from people who think you're arguing everytime you try to express yourself as to engage in a healthy conversation about issues that concern you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
If we're gonna recover from the trauma we experienced, we gotta get out of denial about the fact that it was traumatic.
"But does it really QUALIFY as trauma?" isn't a useful question when our nervous system is alternately lit up by hypervigilance or flattened by dissociation.
M. ABDULLAHI, TWITTER:
If your life is going poorly (i.e. you're low status).
You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain, and should take more risks without hesitation.
M. ABDULLAHI, TWITTER:
Most of the conflicts you take part in have no strategic gain.
People who still take part are doing it to prove their worth to society who doesn't even care.
It is this reason why your school bully is flipping burger and the person who was bullied is in respectable profession.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma recovery isn't about going back to who we were. We may not even REMEMBER who we were "before"-- or there may not have been a "before."
Trauma recovery IS about purposefully creating a path going forward that is NOT just about escaping or avoiding our symptoms & history.
Overmind, TWITTER:
Focus on people who focus on you.
Sheikh Reyan, TWITTER:
Are you living or are you just jumping from one obsession to the other to run away from yourself?
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
In the toxic family system, the healthiest person causes friction. They create resistance in the familiar dynamics and other members become uncomfortable and triggered.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
I'll spoil the suspense: you ARE a human being who has needs. You, & I, & everyone else, ARE "needy."
But "needy" isn't the ONLY thing we are.
We are also resourceful, strong, funny, smart humans who deserve to create a life worth living.
Our "neediness" doesn't define us.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
If you’re setting a boundary to change someone’s behavior, you’ll feel like boundaries “don’t work.”
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
“You’re not asking for too much, you’re just asking the wrong person” is 100% that quote!!!
Reva Steenbergen, TWITTER:
Narcissists believe they have the right to do the malicious things they do, and also believe you don't have the right to complain about it
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Entitlement comes from not having learned healthy ways to get your emotional needs met as a child.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
High emotional reactivity and the inability to self regulate is a symptom of C-PTSD.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
A good sign you’re healing is you enjoy your own company.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
A narcissist wants the authority of a king/queen while having the accountability of a toddler.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
We're all being judged by someone who doesn't even have their own sht together.
Reva Steenbergen, TWITTER:
Narcissists would prefer to hide their abuse, get others to enable it, and normalize it by vilifying the victim for their justified, emotional anger
. because of it
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Affirmation: I am safe to experience new things. I am more and more present each day. When things are beyond my control, I surrender quickly. I am learning to let go and to allow things to be as they are.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Consistency heals.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Manipulators hate boundaries and rights..
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma responses can be frustrating & confusing-- but we gotta remember, they're the nervous system's NORMAL response to traumatic stress.
Trauma responses are NOT you making a poor "choice." They're NOT you "failing" to cope. They're NOT you lacking "character" or "willpower."
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
There are no quick fixes in healing. Healing is about awareness, self compassion, learning new coping mechanisms, and keeping your inner child safe.
This takes time, practice, and commitment. And no one else can do it for you...
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Recognize the people who are dangerous to your emotional wellbeing before they damage you permanently. Trust your instincts. Have faith in your gut.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic people condition you to believe the problem isn't the abuse itself, but instead your reaction to their abuse.
Be prepared.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic individuals don't lie to you because the truth will hurt your feelings. They lie to you because the truth might provoke you to make choices that won't serve their interest.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
A good sign you’re healing is you understand your sole purpose in life isn’t to be liked, appear easy, or to get approval from everyone you meet.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Many of us have the unrealistic expectation that "everything" can come from our partner. No partner can meet all of our needs. This is why learning how to meet our own needs & creating a group of people who support us in ways a partner cannot is so important.
Ryan 🖖, TWITTER:
Covert narcissists need to abuse those they feel threatened by.
They use different tactics to keep a dialogue open.
They may start out friendly so when they become abusive you’re less inclined to block.
Or if you call them on their abuse they may laugh and call you oversensitive
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
It's very painful to leave autopilot, at first. That's why few do it.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Some memories, especially traumatic ones, aren't so much going to have words attached to them-- they're gonna exist in our nervous system as images & feelings & body sensations.
It's one of the reasons why it's near impossible to just talk our way out of trauma in therapy.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
No more relationships that you feel lonely in.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Men have an extra hurdle in getting their needs met because of the collective conditioning is that: they can never feel sad or "weak," they should't need to ask for help, and they should provide for their family at all costs, while suffering in silence.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You are not "crazy." You are hurt.
You are not "weak." You are wounded.
You are not "entitled." You are seeking to realistically heal.
Post traumatic stress is an INJURY. It was inflicted ON you. It requires treatment, care, & time to heal.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Nothing is in your control.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We're not ourselves when we're triggered-- we become who we think we need to be to SURVIVE.
And when we're CONSTANTLY being triggered, our identity can start to slip away-- because our personality and values are CONSTANTLY getting hijacked by fight-or-flight reflexes.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Passive suicidal ideation is so common in trauma survivors that many don't bother to even mention it when they're being assessed-- it's just always there.
It becomes like the barely noticeable background music in a TV show.
Gaslighting Effect, TWITTER:
Whenever you hear a person say "they're interested in seeing how someone ticks" you've just uncovered a narcissist
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Having a fully self absorbed parent feels a lot like raising yourself.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
I don’t want anyone in my life who doesn’t see the value of having me in theirs.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The best partner is doing their own inner work and is interested in creating an emotionally healthy family, rather than creating a version of family that gets approval from their parents or society.
Gaslighting Effect, TWITTER:
Narcissists may come gift wrapped in the most beautiful box, with an incredible bow, but once you take that bow off and peel back the layers of the wrapping paper and open that Box, what's inside is ugly as hell
Gaslighting Effect, TWITTER:
Some narcissists have amazing beauty to hide the evil lurking inside
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
What other people think of you is none of your business.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
The reason why you keep getting “bad apples out of the bunch” is because you keep choosing the same ones expecting them to taste different. Aim higher.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Self blame is blood in the water for the narcissist sharks.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Thinking you can control your feelings can make you lose control.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Sometimes the best way to help someone is to allow them to face the consequences of their actions.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When, growing up, perceiving teeny, tiny shifts in energy or posture made the difference between getting hit or not, you bet we develop a hypervigilant "sixth sense" around people.
The skillset of many "empaths" started out w/ learning to preemptively catch microexpressions.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The best teachers will always guide you back to yourself.
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
A narcissist should never...under any circumstances...be trusted with personal information. If they demand to know something, it's far better to just lie and let them make asses of themselves somewhere down the road when they inevitably try to weaponize it.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Revenge is actually one of the narcissists games. When they feel slighted, rejected or ignored they'll spread rumors about their targets, destroy their stuff, stalk, harass and get violent. In some cases, they incite others to harm you.
They enjoy others suffering.. Be prepared
Navalism, TWITTER:
"Clear thinkers take feedback from reality, not society."
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Trauma survivors crave honesty and authenticity. We've had to fight for our ability to think clearly and know who we are. We aren't willing to engage with those who do not honor that. We will show them the door.
Gaslighting Effect, TWITTER:
Once you kick the mask off a narcissist's face, they will come after you.. full steam ahead
You are now a threat because you bear witness to what noone else can see
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
It’s nobody else’s fault when you do more for a person than they do for you —- except yours. Stop overextending yourself to people who just take and don’t give back.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
A lot of people ask me how to stop certain behaviors. Y’all be like “well how can I help this/stop this?” There’s more power within YOU than you think. These things are just BEHAVIORS. They aren’t who you are.
Lana Horowitz, TWITTER:
When our trauma is complex... it makes sense that our healing would be too. ❣️
~Kristen Toth~
Ryan 🖖, TWITTER:
Pointing out the truth to a narcissist who lives in a delusion of themselves will only make you the bad guy. They protect their delusions fiercely.
Protect the mothers, save the planet, TWITTER:
Some victims of coercive control might come to feel like an enslaved person, others like the walking dead.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
It is better to have no relationship & be alone than to be in a dysfunctional one.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Acknowledge & embrace your areas of growth and negative traits that possibly cannot be changed. They make you who you are.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Be okay with being the bad guy in someone else’s story. Good and bad has to exist in this world.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
You not really living true to yourself if you can’t acknowledge the “bad” parts of you.
Mindset Bolt, TWITTER:
You become dangerous when you no longer need anyone.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Emotional flashbacks are when we physically feel the past in the present. They can be triggered by: a smell, a sound, a persons facial expression or anything else that brings us back to the trauma event.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
One of the basic human rights a narcissist takes away from you is the right to be angry with them. No matter how badly they treated you, your voice shouldn't rise.
The privilege of rage is reserved for them alone. They invalidate your anger so they can escape accountability.
introverts memes, TWITTER:
normalize avoiding people who are not good for your mental health
Ben Behnen 🌲, TWITTER:
I often see pushback against validation, from both therapists and non-therapists.
I think the fear is that validation is a way of glossing over real issues.
I find, however, that validation is often the key that turns the lock of the door that's hiding the real issues.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Healing is when you stop trying to make the impossible relationship work.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
I will never hate anyone but I will distance myself from people who do not value me.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We have an epidemic of children living in adult bodies. Most of us have never fully developmentally matured. And once you see this in yourself, you’ll see it more clearly in others.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
The toxic person blames you, criticizes you & emotionally neglects you just so they can say that you have "anger issues".
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma can kind of split us in two (or more): parts of us that handle everyday functioning, & parts of us that're stuck back there, back then-- & that hold memories & feelings that would make it hard to function.
To recover, we need our parts communicating-- & working TOGETHER.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We can't make self-acceptance contingent upon getting better, looking better, doing better.
Self-acceptance is about accepting us EXACtLY as we are-- our imperfections, our pain, our past.
You actually DON'T need to change to "deserve" acceptance-- & you never did.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The health of any relationship comes down to how well you manage conflict, together.
Essential Mastery, TWITTER:
Sometimes your humbleness makes people think they can play with you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Your worth does not depend on your ability to please others.
Your value does not depend on your ability to predict & provide what others need or want.
You get to create & live a life that YOU like & value.
Yeah, you.
Repeat as necessary.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Healing means to evict the narcissist from your mind.
(29.11.2022)
Letting go means being ready for my plans and fulfilling my duties, goals, what I want in life, task at hand. With trauma and conditioning and toxic shame and social anxiety - I tend to forget my plans and I focus on immediate panic symptoms as my primary concern. This way I self sabotage myself. I stay inside hamster wheel- ruminating and worrying instead of being focused on my path. I stutter and become immobile - instead of taking action. Fear and panic make me hypnotized into being afraid of punishment as driving force. This way I stay stuck and isolated - instead of moving and taking action.
This happens because I listen to CBT and conditioning - that as if my thinking pattern is sick and I must fix my thinking. While in reality - my plans are important, my life, what I want from life- bigger picture is important than someone's criticism and their negative comment. I cannot move from someone's criticism and negative evaluation - since I try to fix myself. If I am not murderer, if I am not doing damage to others, there is nothing to fix. I already have system inside me that is focused on improvement, not making mistakes, avoiding mistakes, avoiding making harm - while in reality - in real life - mistakes will happen no matter what. No matter how much I am perfect, mistakes will happen. Criticism will happen. CBT and conditioning makes me believe in the opposite - that I must guard my thinking 24/7, self blame and self censor myself in order to evade evil from happening. Evil will happen not matter how much good I am and no matter how much I monitor my thinking. If I monitor my thinking, I am doing damage to my self worth, since I tell my brain that I cannot rely on myself - and then this means that other people are gods, that other people ought to be my plan and their opinions and orders must be my life plan.
When I have goals in plan ahead of anything - others will not be able to steal my focus. I can remove their criticism and nagging by letting go.
Anything in life can be criticized and negatively evaluated - including good and perfect things. Anyone can invent something being wrong with anything. With conditioning, high moral ethical standards we were made to believe that we must fix anything wrong, that it is our fault, that it is our responsibility and that there is a severe punishment if we do not comply. Then we attract toxic people - since we shut up and fawn to them due to this conditioning. We do not criticize back. We do not initiate criticizing. This is litmus test for narcissists who are mimicking social anxiety. Covert narcissists will be talkative and they will nag and complain without any anxiety. This is because they do not have social anxiety at all. They have self anxiety, where their grandiose image is at threat. When someone is criticizing we try to fix and avoid punishment. Covert narcissists feels threatened, their image is threatened - this is different from being afraid of punishment. Narcissists are afraid of losing influence, status and battle. Truly socially anxious ones will avoid influence, status and battles. That is the difference between someone struggling with social anxiety and covert narcissists who are mimicking social anxiety to control others. Since narcissists cannot control other narcissists - the perfect targets for narcissists are socially anxious ones. We shut up, we fawn and we take the blame - we are perfect nesting ground for parasites, predators and all kinds of psychopaths and sociopaths.
I would now focus on criticizing and blaming. It is extremely easy to criticize anything all the time. There is always something wrong. When we are exposed to relentless criticism - it can cause brain injury, and it causes Complex trauma - since we are exposed to toxic shame, invalidation and emotional abuse. Constant criticizing about anything is emotional abuse. With social anxiety and conditioning and trauma we are not aware of this fact. Instead we are focused on fixing other people and doing anything in our power to please and make pleasant other people's lives since we feel personally responsible for their naggings, complaints and entitlement to feel pleasure all the time. Narcissists will complain because it feels good to them, it relieves them from their self-anxiety which they happily label as social anxiety, they will use complaints as tool to control good, nice, kind people and make them into their personal slaves to exploit and take advantage of.
With trauma we are hypnotized to fawn, shut up and avoid eventual possible punishments as we were conditioned into social anxiety. This means we are not aware of the real objective facts: that mistakes are part of life and that anything can be interpreted and viewed and labeled as mistake. In the hands of sociopaths and psychopaths - this is excellent tool to sniff out traumatized socially anxious targets - since we will never complain back and we will feel instant automatic shame with any criticism and complaints due to conditioning.
This is why I would bring into awareness the fact that mistakes are part of life and that anything - even what is good and perfect - can be labeled as mistake and wrong and complain about it. With social anxiety we are automatically focused to blame ourselves for criticism and negative evaluations - we try to fix ourselves to prevent and clear the supposed damage. CBT joins into hysteria and convince us that we need to brush our social skills in order to handle someone who is constantly criticizing and nagging. Nope. We cannot control other people. No matter how much we are perfect - such critics will never feel satisfied unless it is part of focused agenda to get something else - they will never give up from criticizing, blaming and nagging and complaining. The CBT belief that we must fix our skills is part of abuse - it is part of self blame and self pathologizing process. Narcissists will never give up from finding faults and criticizing since they are mentally ill, they are choosing to hurt and abuse others since this gives them energy to live.
When we cannot cut contact with such destructive individuals - we have only one option: letting go. This means we cannot be perfect, we cannot be obeying to someone who is aggressively mentally ill and dangerous. It means that we face the punishment. That is why CBT exposure will not work. We do not face the punishment with exposure. With exposure we expose ourselves to negative people, critics, psychopaths and we fawn to them to survive and keep exposing - and social anxiety is still inside.
The only thing that means facing anxiety - in social anxiety it means facing punishment - when we are in the situation where we cannot leave. In most countries physical abuse is criminal act and it is subject to prosecution. Losing our job means being without home and without food - this is something we need to face too. Social anxiety is socioeconomic issue, too. It is not related to being strong nor courageous as CBT explains social anxiety.
In most cases we won't be punished if we are not violent and aggressive. We can keep on standing our ground and speaking the truth without explosions. We cannot do this with hypnosis, when we are convinced that our task is to fix other people and take care of their moods - with firm conditioned belief that somehow we can appease the monster, if we only fix something inside us, or if we go along and fawn to them or if we shut up. They will still be monster no matter how hard we worked, how much we fawn to them and no matter how much we keep quiet and be smarter one by keeping quiet. In abuse keeping quiet means enabling and allowing abuse to continue. In abuse, in toxic environment the rules of etiquette do not apply.
With trauma and conditioning we will be stuck in trying to change something that other people label as stupid, dangerous, mistaken - and we will not be focused on our plans and goals. With letting go of what other people complain and nag and attack - we take away their power to control and manipulate us. In job situation is seems that plan is involved about task - therefore in job situations we can separate our character from criticism. In personal relationships we are criticized and our plans are thrown away along with it, what we do in our free time. With empathy and high moral and ethical standards we are already doing our best and we waste enough of money, time and energy in keeping mistakes away from happening, we are focused on not making mistakes - and any unfair criticism and judgement will hurt more since the critic will not see the amount of money, time and focus behind our efforts. The critic will have influence to turn us into perfectionist - someone unrealistic, which means wasting time and focus and energy on nothing, something that cannot be real. In the same time, since we have empathy and high moral and ethical standards - we won't criticize them back - and critics will have false grandiose belief that they are flawless - that is the reason why they target empaths and sensitive, nice, good and friendly people, normal and healthy people who try not to harm or hurt anyone.
Apart from letting go - crucial de-conditioning is in making new labels for what is "cruel", "arrogant", "evil" or whatever the narcissists will blame us when we stand up for ourselves and warn and alert them - hold them accountable for their toxic behaviour.
CBT, narcissists, psychopaths, abusers will explain social anxiety as lack of confidence and that we need to fix our self, our skills and become perfect. That is criticizing itself. Social anxiety stems from criticizing and complaining and nagging - finding faults which realistically are not even faults at all - and that ones which no one sane and normal would label as faults. Toxic people will see faults as a way to feel superior and to control other people and to sniff out kind and nice people to exploit and cheat.
Issue with letting go is that we can let go of trying to please and fawn to someone - the problem is toxic person who is not letting us go. They nag, complain, attack, demand, they are rude and aggressive. In situations where we cannot cut contact and go away from them - we can only let go mentally of them. As if they do not exist. CBT labels this is sickness - since we do not cooperate with someone. If someone is toxic - they do not want to cooperate, they want to exploit and destroy the target. With social anxiety, trauma, conditioning and CBT we are conditioned and hypnotized into belief that toxic people want good for us, that they will be good to us if we are simply go along with their orders. That codependency is not healthy. This is why I would cut immediately any contact with anyone who is constant complainer - they do incredible damage to others. We become preoccupied with their issues and entitled ideas how life should be. We become worriers and try to solve their problems in our heads - without plans of our own, without our own goals in mind.
We were conditioned to be silent and not criticize other also when we would speak the truth, from our wisdom and accumulated knowledge - and there will always be someone who complaints about it, they interpret our remark as criticism - and then we conclude it is best not to speak up since someone may be annoyed by it. This is how narcissists work. They criticize and they do not allow any slight of truth - since they are extremely sensitive to criticism. Narcissists condition healthy people into silence and to fear criticism, while narcissists use criticism as tool to control and manipulate others - and if they are criticized they complain and nag and label others as dangerous, abuser and aggressive one. Since normal healthy good nice people do not want to be labeled as dangerous - we will shut up. This way our natural urge to be good kind nice and not dangerous is used against ourselves. We become zombies conditioned to shut up - attacked and abused and used by toxic people who are really dangerous and abusive and create damage and chaos. This is how social anxiety works. Truly socially anxious targets of abuse will shut up and be afraid of criticism and try anything to be good kind and nice, while narcissists will use our urge to be good and nice against us - to keep us controlled and manipulated by them.
Social anxiety is being exposed to intrusive toxic people with their intrusive remarks in a form of criticism and negative evaluation. The problem is their toxicity - which matches the toxic shame inside the socially anxious target - whereas toxic shame is external element inside the target. Toxic shame is conditioned inside - toxic shame produces inner critic which is susceptible to outer critics. Therefore someone being toxic is devastating since there is Trojan horse inside the socially anxious mind which allows toxic people to infiltrate shame in the target of their abuse. When someone is intrusive - they manipulate and control the target, usually by triggering similar abuse in the past or triggering wants and needs from the target. With toxic shame it is easy for professional manipulators and psychopaths to use toxic shaming in order to make the target into zombie slave. Socially anxious targets have high moral and ethical standards - so the easiest way to hypnotize socially anxious ones into subordination and self censorship is to nitpick their mistakes and presumed guilt for supposedly harming someone.
I cannot construct my life, plan, what I do the next minute, the next month, in the future - if I have constant criticizing, nagging and complaining conditioned to pay attention, to believe it automatically, to resolve it, to hold off my own plans and dedicate my full attention to someone's complaints - which are absurd anyway. Yet I do it - with social anxiety, trauma, conditioning - I put myself on hold and devote my time and energy to worry and resolve and feel embarrassed about someone's criticism and negative evaluation. I do not do this consciously. This is conditioned worry, it is hypnotized inside me, programmed to execute. I would not pay attention to criticism if it weren't toxic shame inside me, deep core belief that I am inept and that I cannot manage life and that I must be perfect and that my value is based on someone's evaluation of my work and contribution. Without realizing it - I am in constant survival mode. Hyper-vigilance is normal state for anyone socially anxious. Being in constant survival mode I am prone to attract toxic people and to react to their demands and orders and remarks. I know now that my mode of thinking ought to be to construct my future based on my values and goals - not other people's demands, real or imaginary. However if I don't tackle hypervigilance and survival mode of living, I will be prone to set back to people pleasing and fawning.
Deep down I need to know that I can rely on my self that I will keep my safe, away from toxic people and toxic ambient. That I can know that I will be aware of covert abusers and predators, pretending to be help, friend and service and that they will use charm and to magically offer needs that I seek. That I will retort and self express myself.
So apart from being able to construct my future - immediate or long term future - is ability to know I have intuition inside me that I must rely on, that there is also common sense, all my accumulated knowledge, that I lean on something bigger than me - and that I trust in others who are not predators nor enablers of abuse.
Retort ought to be constructed in a way that deflect intrusive remarks, intrusive people, their intrusive queries. It is always important to let go - that I am not governed by someone's baiting - and that my eventual choice of silence is not based on fear of punishment - that there is no fear beneath my choice not to react to silly and absurd remarks. To choose my battles wisely. When consciously not being afraid of punishment is important too. With social anxiety, trauma and abuse I am afraid of punishment - but this fear is not logical, it is not conscious fear. I simply repeat the learned pattern I copy paste since childhood without thinking about what I am helpless and hapless and afraid about. As with driving phobia - I can know logically, I can remind myself - that chances from statistical point of view - that something bad and violent about to happen is not high. And that predators and abusers try to be charmful and they are afraid of their reputation.
Legitimizing my fears and anxiety means that I evaluate - the external situation - if it is really toxic - along with my plans, needs. If I am constantly scared of something - I ought to investigate if I can see the problem is stemming from someone toxic. In such case - it is obvious that I need to find alternative - instead of forcing myself to face fears and expose as CBT gives wrong guidance. If I deny my intuition, I will destroy my self worth and I will not be able to lean on my common sense.
Criticism is the immunity killer. Self worth is the immunity builder. Living in toxic ambient with toxic person will not make us immune at all to criticism, there will be no de-sensitization at all as CBT promises. Abuse through constant nagging and complaining sets us up in survival mode. In the survival mode there is issue with unprocessed emotions, we get stuck in worry wheel cycle - since due to our empathy, high moral and ethical standards - we will try to appease and solve and resolve someone's nitpicking over mistakes and errors which are normal part of anything, any action.
With trauma, abuse, social anxiety it is easy to get from one extreme into another. Being stuck in people pleasing I can learn about abuse and mobbing and bullying and then decide to cut toxic people off- This may lead to yet another extreme where I cut all - including people who are not toxic at all, they just perhaps have a different preferences or standpoints. I see solution in hard to describe process. It is best learned in social media. When some tweet appears which I do not like - with theme I do not like- instead of blocking such author, there is actually hidden option to show fewer tweets about particular topic. So it is not about blocking - it is more direction of shifting my focus. So that I am no longer triggered into spending energy to maintain walls nor entering into arguing or losing my patience with something that I find annoying.
With social anxiety, trauma and abuse - all these three combined, I take other people, especially those who are triggering the trauma (yelling, attacking, being rude) automatically as someone to fawn to. I feel ashamed if I set boundaries. If I retort, I feel dirty. And I take their words at face value, without truly believing that such person is being unreasonable, under influence, mentally incapable. That is why I say that with high moral and ethical standards we need to learn how to be cruel. It is not cruelty at all. It seems as cruelty for us who suffered abuse and relentless criticism while growing up - anything that holds boundaries. Such as retort, or treating someone abusive with the same tactics.
With social anxiety, trauma, abuse experience - we have fears that undermine our confidence, our Maslow needs are not satisfied: to feel safe, secure, financially and by having shelter. Then internet instant gurus and self help resources will tell us that we must feel confident. What they do not say that this image, idea, concept of "confidence" is a myth. It does not exist. When one person has security, finances, shelter, feel safe in his own skin - this person will naturally act and behave and talk in confident manner without thinking much about being confident. There will be no inhibitions or fears of repercussions and punishment by the critics or anyone who is antagonistic. If someone is aggressive - it won't effect them. While someone who is not having money, shelter, safety - any movement may jeopardize the minimum of safety there is - and this is what is creating the fears and consequently the lack of "confidence".
Due to conditioning while growing up and experience with narcissistic abuse later on - when due to toxic shame we shut up to toxic people and let them control our decisions and lives - I believe that we developed high urge not to commit any mistake. Either it would be punished by toxic people or our own inner critic. Then making mistakes and learning on our own wrong moves and decisions is crucial in knowing where to go in life. If I constantly try to be angel and keep high moral and ethical standards in unhealthy toxic ambient - I will always be one step behind, since toxic people will guilt trip me easily into silence and self blame, self doubt and self hatred.
Making mistakes from the prism of being exposed to control and manipulation means being angry, saying our opinion even if it is not explored, expressing anger, breaking the ice with blunders and not knowing what to do. These are all suppressed in social anxiety due to fear of criticism and negative evaluation. These are not mistakes at all. Mistake would be hurting someone, causing damage to someone, plotting a evil scheme to someone who hurt us or there is some excuse to hurt them.
Narcissistic abuse cannot be explained nor understood by someone who never experienced constant and relentless criticism and nitpicking. Nobody who never not went through it cannot know what this does to someone's judgement, safety, thinking patterns and self worth. It is easy to label some disagreement and minimal incidents as something that is abuse, but without experience of growing up and living with it day after day, nobody can give us any sound advice about after-effects of narcissistic abuse: avoidance, social anxiety, inhibitions, not feeling confident, being scared and immobile.
With social anxiety, abuse and trauma there is inability to construct immediate next scene due to images of catastrophe due to toxic shame. There is thwarted explanations about what is going on. Abuser is abuser only if their actions are repetitive and consistent. Narcissistic abuse on the other hand demands our focus and resolving and seeking solutions for something unimportant - keeping us in cycle of worry and hypervigilance. Trauma and abuse can leave us in a state of not trusting anyone and being resentful. I would keep awareness about that part - when I am stuck in negativity without any ongoing drama to be negative about. I see that anxiety here is as reminder that I do not engage with toxic people and that I recognize toxic people in the first place and remove myself from their influence. I also see that I am not abuser myself. This means I do not feel pleasure from torturing others and observing life as battle and attacking others. That means my true self would not be bothered by pain, injustice, bad events from the past long time gone. I see deep seated grudge as poison that needs to be sucked out and spit out. I don't want to be stuck in resentment and anger and grudge and complaining and nagging. Yet without it I would not be capable forming boundaries and knowing who is toxic.
There is upward and downward emotional spiral. If I focus on panic symptoms, toxic people, what happened, what might happen - I am not focused on my goals and I am not focused on well being, I am not focused on finding solutions, instead I am stuck in hamster wheel of worry. That is why CBT is not working. The goal is to dig myself up from problems and issues by following upward emotional spiral.
With social anxiety, abuse and trauma I would focus on toxic shame and black thinking - the urge to be perfect in order not to make mistakes so that I would not face punishment - someone's attack. What is so scary about the attack. I was programmed through self help books that this punishment is that other people will hate me, and that their hate is triggering and frightful to me. But this is not true at all. The trauma and abuse - means I am actually scared of punishment: being without shelter, money, it is related to survival. When I get anxiety and panic attacks related to social anixety - the fear I explain to myself are expectations and explanations I recieved from self help books which are wrong and true trauma and fear which I uncover after I learned about Complex trauma. This is why psychiatry can be dangerous - it adds up new virus programs and nee trauma, new layers of fears and anxiety. So it is good to remind myself that I am not afraid at all of other people hating me, as I was convinced after reading all possible self help books about social anxiety. I am afraid of punishment and not being able to pay the bills and not having home, roof over my head.
In social anxiety my trigger is feeling trapped and reputation under threat when criticism occur. I would focus on this - go deeper about the triggers. Healing would be that I am no longer triggered. Someone's criticism and negative evaluation is trigger. It makes me feel ashamed and that I cannot escape and that I am embarrassed just for existing and being there. Without social anxiety symptoms and inhibitions - what would be different? I would not be in such situation in the first place, I would choose job, company, relationships and be more active instead of waiting and letting other people define my actions.
Judging is necessary for grounding. In order to stop floating in space like Sandra Bullock in Gravity (2013) - it is necessary to hold on to solid ground so that we stop turning around in hamster wheel of worry and rumination or that other people create trap and matrix where I habituate inside. When other people make my grounding they are controlling and manipulating me. Prejudging is unnecessary. Prejudging is grounding in toxicity - it is rigid mindset where there are no alternatives and other points of views. Judging can be wrong but it is necessary for life and action and doing anything in life. Prejudging is bait and leads to manipulation and control and wrong direction in life. Anyone is normal unless being unkind or violent - there is nothing to prejudge. We can judge someone's action which may be dangerous, violent, wrong. However judging someone's thoughts and mind is Ad Hominem. If someone's opinion is not doing damage - judgement would be disagreement and prejudgement would be trying to cure them. In toxic ambient these two fuse together and there is no difference between it.
With social anxiety- empaths already know this very well. Then codependency and fawning happens because toxic people are using and take advavantage of empaths - empaths who know that we must never judge someone since we never know their back story and what is happening in their lives. Empaths know how much it hurts when someone complains and criticize unjustly so we do not do it to the others. Then toxic people sniff that there are no boundaries and they parasite on lack of boundaries.
Judging is boundary. Toxic people will sniff out empaths who shut up and self censor themselves - only when empaths fuse judging and prejudging. So the correction is in education that we as empaths with social anxiety learn the difference in judging and prejuding. With abuse and trauma we gave up on judging altogether - and this way we created Trojan Horse of toxicity to invade our mental balance and mental health. Judging is necessary. We know we may be wrong but that is risk necessary, it is risk related to life and outside external events which we cannot control nor know about. We cannot control other people - and that is why judging is necessary. Prejudging would be to blame, criticize, nag and complain about someone's Ad Hominem aspects. Taking accountability is not wrong. Noticing someone's boundary crossing is not wrong. With abuse, trauma we believe it is. We fused boundaries with prejudgement and automatically being wrong. With social anixety symptoms - it is symptom that we were hypnotized due to trauma and abuse and exposure to narcissistic abuse - that any kind of opinion is entitlement, wrong, egoist, dirty and automatically flawed. We were exposed to repeated brainwashing and smear campaign from untreated mentally ill people over long period of time where we were being punished for speaking up about someone's abuse. So now we equate someone's abuse with us being automatically wrong and thus guilty if we speak it out and warn about it. I would encourage warning and alarming when someone is abusive. When we are not attacking someone's soul and Ad Hominem - there is nothing wrong about holding criminals accountable for their crimes, no matter how small criminal acts are. This part is fused together when we experience social anxiety fever. We were conditioned to believe that our telling what is reality - is insanity. Mentally aggressive ill people have projected their illness onto us - and now we have social anxiety fever. Social anxiety is fever telling us that covert virus is attacking us and tries to make us believe we are sick for feeling sick when they exploit and take advantage of us. When our defenses are down, parasite can extract energy, resources, time, energy from us. Social anxiety is nothing else but fever signaling this theft is taking place and that we are around someone who is highly toxic and covert. Our job with social anxiety is to become Sherlock Holmes and scientist and have laboratory and see through their criminal acts and expose them as criminals. And then take actions without drama, without hysteria, without jumping to conclusions, without becoming monster and abuser ourselves. Obvious first response is to cut contact and let go if escape is not possible. Obvious response is to talk and speak the truth and hold criminals accountable for their crimes. Another one is not seeking resolutions if the person is obviously not trying to cooperate or take responsibility for their crimes. The obvious solution is learning about psychopathy and how to handle psychopaths. I would rather trust criminologist about this than CBT or someone who is not expert in criminal psychopathy.
Intrusive thoughts speak about errors and dangers. It is about ableism - message is that there is something wrong that needs to be cured. Either the target of intrusive thoughts or intrusive thoughts themselves. Any error is reasonable and every error can be justified and explained as valid. This means I can always be in the wrong - since someone might explain my reaction as wrong and their own wrongdoing as correct conduct. Narcissists will abuse this phenomena for manipulation and control. If I do not know my values, what I stand for - I will easily allow toxic people to explain reality away as they want it to be. This is why I need to see intrusive thoughts as something that I need to explain - of course with the help of psychology resources, not someone who is not expert and not someone who may have some advantage over my decisions how to handle life, mistakes and errors. In the end I want to feel safe and secure - so with intrusive thoughts I need to seek and discover why I do not feel safe nor secure, who is the reason - usually it is toxic person as instigator of intrusive thoughts, triggers and flashbacks and trauma. Being with psychopath is not flaw, it is not personality flaw, it is not my fault for being in toxic ambient, it is not sign of personal defect - and intrusive thoughts, toxic shame and toxic people will try to convince me that it is - in order to control and manipulate. When I am not secure in myself - others can create zombie out of me and I will serve their agenda without resistance.
When I do not trust myself I will try to gain approval and validation from others, so that others explain life to me. I will waste time, energy, focus to please others so that I get approval and avoid punishment and their anger. I will end up seeking how to speak and what to say, I will seek ways to say incredible facts to impress others - usually this will end up with self-censorship and me seeking ways how to please toxic people with my correct and perfect wording. Obviously - I must allow myself to speak "dumb" and "stupid" things and any other label which toxic people will criticize me with and brainwash me into intrusive thoughts about being perfect and chasing perfection which can never ever be attained by their sick standards. When I do not know what I want, other will control me. Someone's criticism is negation of my opinions and viewpoints and criticism from toxic people has only one goal - to control and manipulate easy targets who are insecure in themselves.
Manipulation and control occurs via overgeneralizations. Through labels such as how I think and how I explain myself what is happening. These labels are bias, prejudices, it is copy-paste quick explanation about what is happening and it is oversimplification - it is wrong but it appears as correct. Due to amygdala hijacking I do not understand at the moment that I am in hyperarousal and I do not understand that I am not myself and I do not understand that panic and blackness and pessmism stems from me being scared and that my inner self feels threatened, that I am not safe and that my inner self doesn't trust me that I will take care of myself - such as avoid toxic people or retort to them or defend myself. I do not see that I can trust myself. I do not see that being highly sensitive is deeper stimuli processing - and I jump to quick conclusions - and this is what CBT is doing. CBT is using quick rigid limited psychological vocabulary to quickly explain fears and panic as copy-paste definitions which are actually over-generalizations and not appliable to the real life and real life circumstances which are actually quite complex and un-defineable, at least not definable at that moment due to pathological liars in toxic ambient creating all the chaos. So I will lean on accepting quick labels what is codependency, autism, what blocks me and I will accept any explanations and definitions which in reality do not correspond to reality at hand. I will obsess about fears becoming self-absorbed, feeling hopeless - and I will not focus on my creativity and self expression - instead with hysteria I will be focused on shutting up, self censorship and learned helplessness. Overgeneralization is real problem here, copy-paste mechanism to explain what is happening with the goal to find scapegoat - and this mechanism is learned through observing narcissist, how they make battle out of any problem, a matter of survival and blaming. I will not see while in panic and fears that toxic people are the only cause of hysteria - nor I will be able to see that toxic people aren’t attached to reality anymore mentally - instead I will perceive loud and aggressive people as leaders, someone to comply and listen and obey - even though they live in fantasy world, they are criminals and dangerous, psychopaths.
I need to have in mind that with panic and anxiety and fears I will always need some time to make sense of chaos - and then find out what is good.
With social anxiety I never break the ice - I never step into finding out what is good - instead I am focused on symptoms, not my goals, I am focused on finding quick explanations and I am focused on fawning and allowing toxic people to guide me, to explain what is real.
In real life situations for example someone will criticize, and I will shut up. I will not allow myself to doubt whatever they say, I will never speak out natural reply, natural reaction - without engaging in wars and explosions. This stems from trauma - being exposed to someone violent, aggressive, someone vulnerable and highly reactive yet in the same time extremely aggressive and angry even though it is small and not significant as their temper tantrums may suggest. These toxic people are not considering how their rage is affecting others and in fact are highly critical to others. With social anxiety I stay in silence and I see conflict as only through wars, explosions to match their outbursts and trying to fix them and being calm and not escalating their explosive anger.
Then I stay stuck in labeling anyone who is angry as the trauma from before - I do not discern between someone who is psychopath over someone who is vulnerable narcissist over someone who is blunt and not aware that they are making idiot out of themselves. I simply make conclusions about me being weak, or whatever label they will explain me - I will accept it in the name of peace and I will believe I am inept to handle life. So my inner self observes these socially anxious reactions of me and inner self will conclude that I am inept and unable to trust myself - and this will produce new anxieties and fears and panic - which now will lead to trauma bonding with toxic people who appear strong and as leaders.
This all stems from me not trusting myself.
Jacklena Bentley, TWITTER:
Normalize trusting your gut and not what you hear.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Toxic people will complain about the negative reactions that they are getting that are coming from their own disrespectful behavior.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Toxic people despise those who actually have the courage to be vulnerable.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
People who don't want to face their pain have to see you as the problem.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Not overexplaining yourself to toxic, manipulative, psycho, and jealous people is real self care.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
They treat you bad because something is wrong with them on the inside, it's not you. Kind and compassionate people don't go around intentionally destroying others, they just don't.
Jacklena Bentley, TWITTER:
Abusers are just as good at grooming allies as they are at grooming victims.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
No more relationships where you give yourself to someone & you get disrespect back.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
No more relationships where you give yourself to someone & you get disrespect back.
Brittany L. Shelton, TWITTER:
Stay away from the ones who claim to have all the definitive answers. They don't.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Even if we don't have DID, trauma often splits us into "parts"-- parts that hold memories, feelings, & impulses, parts that "know" things, parts that keep us functional.
We may not be thrilled about all our parts-- but in trauma recovery, we DO need to respect & listen to 'em.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Emotions are uncomfortable. I feel you for wanting to avoid them, suppress them or run away
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyl, TWITTER:Yeah, trauma f*cks w/ our ability to live life. It f*cks w/ our relationships. It f*cks w/ our sex life.
But no matter how trauma f*cks w/ us, we CAN, day by day, improve ALL of those things, baby step by baby step.
Don't look at the size of the mountain. Focus on THIS step.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We don't know what's gonna happen next-- but that's not gonna stop your trauma or depression from trying to convince you what comes next is DEFINITELY terrible & you DEFINITELY can't handle it.
Don't bite. You're more capable than your trauma & depression will EVER acknowledge.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Empaths didn't come into this world to be victims, we came to be warriors.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
I don't think in terms of arriving at a place called "recovered." I think in terms of living a lifestyle called "recovery."
We may or may not ever comprehensively "recover." I have no idea.
But working our recovery day by day gives us our best shot at a life worth living.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The more "you heal" the more you realize that you don't want "toxic" people in your life anymore.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
People grow when they are loved well. If you want to help someone heal, love them without an agenda.
Rizza Islam official, TWITTER:
There is a way to correct someone/something without being disrespectful.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Be selective with your battles. Sometimes, peace is better than being right.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You weren't "the problem" for wanting to connect w/ your parents, wanting to be seen & accepted & protected & loved.
That's not "high maintenance." It's human.
And: you're STILL not "the problem" for wanting those things from other human beings-- even if you'e been burned.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The level of confidence we have as adults comes from the level of safety and emotional connection we had within our first relationships as children.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Survivors don't have to be polite to anyone who makes them feel uncomfortable.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Why do so many people want to fight for the underdog? They’re fighting for that younger version of themselves that nobody cared to help.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
There are 100% going to be people in your life who profoundly misunderstand how your trauma impacted you. Many people misunderstand complex trauma & dissociation especially.
It sucks.
But-- we can't let their misapprehensions f*ck up what WE need to do to stay safer & stable.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Displaying anger and emotion are signs of weakness; you cannot control yourself, so how can you control anything?
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Relationship fact: If you rescue a wounded bird, you will get sh*t on.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
What mental illness is associated with manipulation?
Manipulation is generally considered a dishonest form of social influence as it is used at the expense of the others. Manipulative tendencies may derive from personality disorders such as borderline
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Trauma’s most accurate antonym is CONNECTION.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Someone needs to hear this: children have no choice but to take part in their parents dysfunctional dynamics. Children never bring abuse on themselves. The role of adults is to protect children. If an adult didn’t protect you, that’s their issue— not yours.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
What YOU went through hurt you in exactly the ways it hurt you.
It doesn't matter if anyone ELSE thinks you "should" be hurt or what you went through wasn't "that bad."
You have EXACtLY the pain you have-- and YOUR pain & quality of life matters.
No matter what "they" say.
CPTSD Foundation, TWITTER:
Untreated trauma can give rise to a brutal inner critic, and it may seem that survivors feel safest only when operating within bounds of joyless self-judgment and being alone.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Life transitions can be a bitch for people who struggle w/ complex trauma. New jobs, new relationships, new living situations can stir up about 4000 kinds of anxiety & memories about unstable & dangerous times & relationships in our past.
Easy does it. Be patient w/ you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
If we wanna realistically recover from trauma, we gotta commit to being present w/ ourselves & being kind to ourselves. No way around it.
Trauma recovery's just not gonna fly when we're denying, disowning, dismissing, & denigrating ourselves or our lived experience.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
Narcissists frequently push through boundaries on purpose. Despite knowing the right thing to do when it comes to respecting your boundaries, they simply choose not to because they don’t care.
KillemBiggz 👁️🙏🏽🌏 Ξlll, TWITTER:
Make history or sit around watching it
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Liars and Manipulators will never apologize for their mistakes instead they shift the blame on you, making you feel guilty for what they chose to do. Don't take responsibility for someone else's bad behaviors or crimes.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗽𝗶𝘀𝘁:
Repetition Rewires the Brain, so what are you repeating?
No BS Therapist, TWITTER:
I don’t take anyone with a large platform seriously unless they can 1. Laugh at themselves 2. Admit when they’re wrong
Hari, TWITTER:
Self-love is not about fixing or improving yourself.
Self-love is accepting yourself as you are THEN improving yourself *if you want to*.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
When you continuously compete with others you become bitter, but when you continuously compete with yourself you become better.
Cozz, TWITTER:
Sometimes the right thing to do is to do nothing at allJosh Goldberg || יהושוע
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
You deserve love without having to fix the other person first.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
No more partners that turn their mental health issues into relationships problems where you are the problem.
end_sexual.violence, TWITTER:
Stop standing by abusers
SpiderTheRider, TWITTER:
Being in alignment, you can do things backwards and still end up with the best results.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Trauma elicits a pervasive loss of connection to self, others, the world, + the hope of a future.
To mend, we NEED to connect, which is the VERY thing feeling unsafe.
We go slowly, w/ trauma-informed guidance.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
My definition of a human predator is one who tries to take advantage of someone who is weak and/or having a vulnerable moment. They prey on others' fragilities, whether it's a small child, an intoxicated person, or a woman in a dark parking lot.
Lana Horowitz, TWITTER:
"Hurt people" don't always "hurt people"...
Some of us heal, grow and live our lives, helping others do the same.
-Unknown-
Jacklena Bentley, TWITTER:
Remember nobody can be you. You are not in a competition.
AimTrue, TWITTER:
You'll know you are healing when your reactions begin to change.
You take time to respond and there is a gentleness in your response, rather than an urgency to protect.
Words Finally Spoken 🇺🇸 Peace for Ukraine 🇺🇦, TWITTER:
You will never get closure with a narcissist. But you will get your answer as to whether they are a narcissist or not. All the things you wanted from them; they will never give you. That is your closure. That is your answer. Even if they're not a narcissist, that shit is not OK.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We've gotta tell that hurt, lonely part of ourselves that they're not "bad" for feeling hurt or lonely.
We've gotta reassure that kid we once were, who we still carry in our head & heart, that it wasn't their fault-- that they DO deserve comfort & love.
(You do, you know.)
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
The choice to forgive is yours. It is definitely NOT needed & some things are unforgivable. What’s important is your acceptance of what you choose & the ability to move forward.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
The insecure person devalues you instead of dealing with their abandonment anxiety.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
What doesn’t kill you can:
•dysregulate your nervous system
•trap itself in your body
•steal your sense of self
•make you wish it did
I don’t know what “makes you stronger” means but
let’s stop glorifying trauma as a life-lesson we’ve been blessed with.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Trauma did NOT make you stronger.
It traumatized you, broke your heart, dysregulated your nervous system, gave you PTSD, sleepless nights, trust issues, connection difficulty, almost killed you, and stole your will to live.
YOU made + make yourself stronger…by surviving.
C.G. Jung Foundation, TWITTER:
"The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases." - Carl Gustav Jung
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Them:
“Repeat: I’m happy”
Me:
“Repeat: I will allow myself the gamut of my emotional landscape. I will practice noticing all emotions for what they are - my body’s wisdom. I will practice sitting with it all and if I need help regulating I will reach out to a professional”
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Winning is not caring about how other people see you.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Maturity is healing and unlearning your own toxic patterns, so you don't unconsciously pass your pain onto people who didn't hurt you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Yeah, the FRONT of your brain may get that it's just a medical exam or a dental procedure-- but nobody informed your overheated amygdala, which senses a threat & is SO ready to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn.
Easy does it. Talking yourself through this might take a minute.
introverts memes, TWITTER:
stay away from people who act like a victim in a problem they created.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
There is a significant difference between:
- Saying sorry & being self accountable
- Unresolved trauma & relationship problems
- Anger issues & the emotional response to being abused
- Seeing a therapist & actually releasing past traumas
- Being smart & emotionally intelligent
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Distancing yourself from shit that repeatedly lowers your vibe, triggers your mental health and hurts your heart is top tier self-care.
Dr. Thema, TWITTER:
Shut the door on foolishness.
May your season of entertaining nonsense be over.
Steve Harvey, TWITTER:
Life will humble you
Friedrich Nietzsche | Philosophy & Psychology 🧠, TWITTER:
In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.
consternation
noun - a feeling of anxiety or dismay, typically at something unexpected.
Friedrich Nietzsche | Philosophy & Psychology 🧠, TWITTER:
All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.
Inspirational Quotes, TWITTER:
"Distance sometimes lets you know who's worth keeping and who's worth letting go."
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We look for partners who are tall, or attractive, or have good careers.
This means little about how safe they are.
The best traits in a partner: the ability to regulate their emotions, self awareness, ability to navigate conflict, and personal integrity.
Visio Smaragdina, TWITTER:
The unconscious is not just evil by nature, it is also the source of the highest good: not only dark but also light, not only bestial, semi-human and demonic but superhuman, spiritual, and, in the classical sense of the word, “divine.”
CARL JUNG
Friedrich Nietzsche | Philosophy & Psychology 🧠, TWITTER:
You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissists hate being challenged, they view your rights and boundaries as a personal insult to their superiority.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Narcissistic traits are the result of not developing a sense of self.
Ryan 🖖, TWITTER:
What’s worse than someone who is blatantly abusive?
An abuser who behaves as though they’ve done nothing wrong.
This is the essence of #NarcissisticAbuse.
The narcissistic abuser causes intense, psychological confusion in their victims.
Lana Horowitz, TWITTER:
Don't you dare, for one more second, surround yourself with people who are not aware of the greatness that you are. 🌅
-Unknown-
let my people glo ✨, TWITTER:
letting go of your people-pleasing tendencies is scary, because it goes against everything that you were taught. you didn’t decide to silence yourself–somebody showed you that speaking up for yourself was unsafe. be kind to yourself as you rediscover your voice.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Rumors can make others hate innocent people. Don't join in on hate campaigns.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It takes effort and patience and hope to push back against depression’s lies— and those qualities are often in short supply when we feel horrible.
I hear you.
Just hang on.
Keep reminding yourself that depression lies.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
A really good measurement for how safe someone is:
- how they deal with hearing "no"
- how they process things not going as planned
Sigmund Freud | Philsopher & Neurologist ✍️, TWITTER:
Unexpressed emotions will never die.
They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Remember, just because the narcissist is confident it doesn't mean that they are competent.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Many people are unaware that their version of caring behavior are actually attempts at controlling another person.
Deadpool, TWITTER:
Correlation does not equal causation
Dr. Thema, TWITTER:
They underestimated you.
That was a mistake.
Be at peace.
Their opinion of you is irrelevant to the truth of you.
Diane Langberg, PhD, TWITTER:
The human voice is silenced by anything that is dehumanizing. It is dehumanizing to abuse, to cover up, or to outright lie about abuse. God places value on the interior/personal voice. He created us to speak. He does not want that voice silenced or crushed.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Anxious parents show care through worry. Typically, their children have felt their anxiety since childhood. They've learned how to mask or hide any part of themselves or their lives that bring that worry out in a parent.
They can't be vulnerable.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
It’s not that we get what we “deserve,” it’s that we repeat the familiar
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Someone needs to hear this: doing something just so that you don’t have to feel guilty about saying “no” isn’t a loving act.
Written Notes, TWITTER:
If it drains you, it's not for you. Always remember that.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
You are loveable, your childhood primary caregivers messed up, tell your inner child that.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Most people aren't operating at a “willpower” deficit. Many people ARE working from a deficit of skills, tools, & knowledge…ALL of which can be changed.
People who think “willpower” is the only thing standing between them & success are indulging in a counterproductive fantasy.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We heal our inner child when we start making our own needs a priority.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Affirmation: I peacefully detach from people that require me to betray myself. By being my authentic self, I bring authentic people into my life. I have more compassion for myself and my inner child. I choose to see the good in me, every day.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Many people were raised within transactional relationships, so they feel like every action is "tit for tat." Healing is about doing things for the people we love because we appreciate them, not because we have an expectation on the other end.
Josh…, TWITTER:
People may destroy your image, stain your personality but they can't take away your good deeds because no matter how they describe you, you will still be admired by those who really know you better.
let my people glo ✨, TWITTER:
forgiving yourself for what you did doesn't mean that you can't hold yourself accountable to do better in the future. you get to do both.
jo, TWITTER:
There is no universal experience. No matter how objective, agreed upon, or universal the truth.
let my people glo ✨, TWITTER:
stop trying to make people like you, and start making space for people who accept you as you are.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Look at all the stuff you've managed to do WHILE you've been secretly scared out of your mind and depressed out of your skull.
That's how badass you are.
Imagine what you're going to do now that you're getting more and more control over your feeling life-- 1% by 1%.
✧*。I am love. ✧*。, TWITTER:
No narcissist can actually be kind, this is why they only play & act nice, it's as far as they can go. Do not allow yourself to keep being blind to the real character they've already showed you. Narcissists don't change to be better people, they change the mask to be an actor.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Boundaries are hard, AND, a staple in mental health.
Saying NO, doesn’t mean you’re unkind.
It means, “I have limits, I have too much on my plate and I’m honoring that, it means you’re toxic for me and I deserve more, it means I’m loveable even when I’m not people-pleasing.”
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Never force people to choose you. Let people do what they want, so you can see what they'd rather do. They either choose you, or they lose you.
SOUL SNATCHER 🤫🔮📿, TWITTER:
A narcissist won’t admit they’re wrong. They just flip it on you & play victim.
Christian Samuel, TWITTER:
After a certain amount of repeating urself and no changes u gotta jus assume they don’t give a fuck .
Inspirational Quotes, TWITTER:
"Be the reason someone believes in the goodness of people."
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma survivors DON'T "fixate" on our past or pain.
That is, no survivor WANTS to fixate...but we've often had our attention hijacked-- so it SEEMS, especially to others, like we're fixated.
Recovery's about CHANNELING that focus--toward realistic coping & meaningful living.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Confidence is important, but if it is not based on a realistic appraisal of who you are, it is mere grandiosity and smugness.
follow me if your sad, TWITTER:
just found out my entire personality is a trauma response
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Don't listen to toxic individuals. You are not crazy or anything else they try to label you with. Standing up for yourself is "not a crime." Boundaries are natural and healthy, don't let them convince you otherwise.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Our past is what happened to us-- no more, no less.
Our past is NOT a reliable indicator of what will happen in the future. It's NOT a life sentence. It's NOT evidence that we're doomed to fail or hurt or be hurt forever.
The past is a LOT of things-- but it's NOT the future.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
A love language for anyone trying to heal from trauma is: not taking ourselves too seriously.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Most of us don’t struggle for the sake of struggling!
The patterns of behavior that can hurt us, were initially created to SERVE US.
For example, we might “people please”, b/c saying “NO” meant we’d be punished.
We CAN create new, more adaptive patterns AS we feel safer.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Signs you're healing from codependent patterns:
- you realize your role isn't to never upset or disappoint anyone
- you're less focused on managing people's perception of you
- you're saying "no" to things that leave you feeling drained
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Sometimes a toxic person walks into your life so you can learn how to assert your personal boundaries.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Some people are holding serious grudges against you for sht they did to you.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
“I shouldn’t feel this way”.. says who??
Jacklena Bentley, TWITTER:
How many of us have saved someone's reputation by not telling your side of the story?
introverts memes, TWITTER:
We should normalize saying “it’s really none of your business” when people ask very personal questions.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Conversation is meant to be a place of connection, not a place of stress.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We need to start talking about abusive friendships where there’s shaming, jealousy, or different levels of emotional manipulation. Abuse isn’t something that only happens in romantic relationships.
Hashem | Inner Journey, TWITTER:
Abuse is often seen as a way to "connect". We call it teasing, joking and not being over-sensitive.
I like you therefore I abuse you and step all over your boundaries.
Mike the Therapist 🌈, TWITTER:
"Although we can't always choose what happens to us, we can always choose how to respond,"
This is just plain not true.
Trauma changes everything. The Fight/Flight/Freeze responses are autonomic. Which means you can’t always choose how to act when someone traumatizes you.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
I love people who are confident and highly aware of their worth, but highly humble too and never look down on anybody.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Sometimes we have an easier time accepting pain than accepting good things happening.
Accepting the pain feels safer. We know from pain.
Good things happening feels like a trap.
Accepting that a good thing might happen gives us something to lose.
If you know, you know.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Normalize not giving an answer right away. “Let me think about that” is a saving grace for people pleasers.
Emotionally numbed defenses are evident by:
Emotional distance and numbing
Superficial confidence (and sense of superiority) that masks feelings of being "not good enough"
Dismissive or unaware of the emotions of others
Painful sensitivity to social rejection
Preoccupation with outward appearances and social status
The subtle (or obvious) use of guilt, money, power, sexuality, flattery, etc. for the purpose of control in relationships
A sense of entitlement (without the need for reciprocity)
Verbal criticism and judgmental thoughts of others (that are not applied to the self)
Explaining interpersonal conflict as the fault of others (denying or minimizing negative behaviors of the self)
Emotionally numbed defenses are evident by the heavy use of invalidation and reliance on conditional self esteem.
All people who had to develop a false self suffer from self esteem issues. It is an inevitable consequence of having one's true self ignored or rejected. In the case of the emotionally numbed, that lack of self esteem will manifest in subtle or frequent references to traits that suggest they are "special" or superior (this goes beyond the ordinary pleasure of sharing a point of pride). Frequently, these traits are related to appearance, money, success, power and even the ability not to show emotion.
A common fear is that if someone starts feeling emotion, they will be emotional all the time ("I don't want start crying all the time"). This is a myth. Becoming aware and being able to express emotion does not mean unregulated emotion. Someone can feel all their emotions and still regulate them when they want to or need to.
Treating the false self is always challenging because behind the mask of superiority is an unbearable pain. The true self was not sufficient to secure the mother’s love and care and so the infant discards it and creates a persona that can secure the mother’s love and care. This leads to a rejection of the authentic self as inadequate and insufficient and the adoption of an idealized self.
In my practice, I have encountered many people who express skepticism about the damaging effects of negative early childhood experiences. If you are skeptical, have a look at this 6 minute video produced by Harvard University or this 3 minute video showing the effects of even brief periods of neglect. To see dramatic brain scan data that occurs from neglect, scroll to the end of this article from the Child Trauma Academy.
https://adaptivetherapy.com/Development-of-a-false-self.html
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Small talk can be extremely triggering for people who’ve experienced childhood emotional neglect. It’s the familiar surface conversation combined with a pressure to perform.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
I am OK. I am just sharing this because ppl think depression = sadness. I’m not sad I’m actually in an ok kinda mood I just have heightened irritability. I want to normalize these things as much as possible. It’s ok to not be okay.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Yeah, when we start setting limits, sometimes we're gonna overcompensate and make 'em a little too rigid.
But-- that's a small price to pay for the MASSIVE benefit & relief of FINALLY being able to set boundaries after years of letting guilt & pressure run our f*ckin' lives.
Nedra Glover Tawwab, TWITTER:
Life is short and I don't want to spend precious time being mistreated by people.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The moment you put a stop to people taking advantage of you and disrespecting you, is when they define you as difficult, selfish or crazy. Manipulators hate boundaries and the truth.
Keep speaking the truth and setting boundaries.
"Our salvation is in our capacity for human warmth and
love." ~Rod Serling
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Having a high tolerance threshold to toxic behaviour is a trauma response. Just because you can cope with it well, doesn't mean you have to accept it.
Nedra Glover Tawwab, TWITTER:
People who don't want to listen will always say you haven't explained yourself enough.
Josh…, TWITTER:
There will always be someone who twists everything you say to make themselves look so innocent. When really they are the most vile, bitter human being you know.
Nedra Glover Tawwab, TWITTER:
Seek more relationships where you feel comfortable being yourself.
Andrew Tate Updates, TWITTER:
The world belongs to furious men who stay calm.
Voice of Silence, TWITTER:
Real life begins when there is no fear, worries and doubt, all you need to believe you only deserve a joyful life.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Setting boundaries is a form of self respect and dignity.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma's gonna try to convince you you need to spend a LOT of time getting other people, sometimes very specific other people, to love you, or your life's not worth living.
Don't bite.
Focus on YOUR relationship w/ you first. Have your own back. Be on your own side.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
NO ONE in the history of anxiety recovery EVER recovered from someone repeatedly saying
“Calm Down, Relax, Chill Out”
In fact, it’s condescending, uninformed, and anxiety-fueling.
Words Matter.
Make them Mindful.
Nedra Glover Tawwab, TWITTER:
If you have to agree with everything someone says, you don't have a healthy relationship.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Manipulation is when they give you all of the right words and none of the right actions, when they try to guilt-trip you for your boundaries, when they blame you for your negative reaction to their disrespect, and when they project onto you and call you out on their own bullshit.
Reva Steenbergen, TWITTER:
Every single empath who walks the face of this Earth has been violated by many narcissists...not just ONE
Friedrich Nietzsche | Philosophy & Psychology 🧠, TWITTER:
No one can construct for you the bridge upon which precisely you must cross the stream of life, no one but you yourself alone.
Proud Triumphant 💊, TWITTER:
Everyone leaves. Learn how to survive alone.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We tell ourselves we CAN'T express what we're feeling, because WHAT IF IT MAKES SOMEONE ELSE UNCOMFORTABLE??
What if?
Spoiler: your authentic self will ABSOLUTELY make someone uncomfortable at some point-- & that's okay.
(No, really, it is.)
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with in vain.
Fountain Baby, TWITTER:
Sometimes when you have too much swag you can actually annoy an insecure person
Sigmund Freud | Philsopher & Neurologist ✍️, TWITTER:
Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When we're left to fend for ourselves at a point where, developmentally, we needed safety & security, we don't develop healthy self-reliance-- we develop the belief that we weren't worthy of protection, not attractive enough, good enough, lovable enough.
That sh*t dies hard.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
A lot of the time complex trauma survivors are so f*ckin' mean to themselves specifically BECAUSE they'd never be mean to someone else.
Survivors will often tie themselves in knots keeping that rage inside them from spilling out onto anyone else-- & knots can be hard to untie.
Andrew Tate, TWITTER:
Men go through so much pain that they will never talk about it because they know that nobody cares.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
We should not pretend to understand the world only by the intellect; we apprehend it just as much by feeling.
Therefore, the judgment of the intellect is, at best, only the half of truth, and must, if it be honest, also come to an understanding of its inadequacy.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITER:
Educational Resource..
Trauma can cause your brain to remain in a state of hypervigilance, suppressing your memory and impulse control and trapping you in a constant state of strong emotional reactivity.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Distance yourself from 'anyone' who labels you crazy everytime you try to set a boundary or challenge how you're treated. These are normal and healthy conversations to have, so "everyone is valued".. If you're labeled, it's about control... Tells you everything you need to know.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will respect your standards and rise up to meet them.
illuminatibot, TWITTER:
People will hate you for not going along with the lie.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Part of the point of grooming is to make it hard for a victim to disclose about their experience later.
The conflicted feelings survivors have about coming forward are EXACTLY what abusers hope will happen.
Shame & self-blame often keep smart, strong people quiet for decades.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Part of the point of grooming is to make it hard for a victim to disclose about their experience later.
The conflicted feelings survivors have about coming forward are EXACTLY what abusers hope will happen.
Shame & self-blame often keep smart, strong people quiet for decades.
Flowsy, TWITTER:
Our character is revealed at our highs and lows.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Highly sensitive people and empaths need to recharge daily, if they don't, they will experience anger, sensory overload, physical and emotional burnout, anxiety and panic attacks.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Make the masses uncertain of their identity, and you can help define it for them.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
The toxic person will accuse you of being selfish for having emotions.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
When you start to realize how often people use projection as a defense mechanism, you stop taking so much shit personally.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
I lost respect for a lot of people this year. 2023 will be invite only.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Empaths are not hard to get along with. They are not easily played. Step up or step out.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When we weren’t able to express our anger as children, or we were shamed for it— we repress it. This anger doesn’t go away it just comes to the surface as: depression, chronic pain, or self sabotage.
Sheikh Reyan, TWITTER:
In the end they'll judge you anyway. So do what you want.
narcissist_survivor®, TWITTER:
How they treat you is more important than how much you like them.
Jacklena Bentley, TWITTER:
Watch your words, they can be forgiven, not forgotten.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You don't have to explain yourself to others to have a boundary for yourself.
Wise Chimp, TWITTER:
Heal so you don’t become the people that traumatized you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
People who want to be a part of your life will honor and respect your rights, boundaries and protections, without question.
Read Again....
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Gaslighting is when they repeatedly trigger your nervous system and mental health, then blame you for how you react, yet never accept accountability, or discuss their disrespect.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
distancing yourself when you feel weird vibes, negative energy, and sneaky shit is top tier self-care.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Compassion is the highest form of self confidence.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Trauma makes you tolerate a lot of shit you don't deserve because you don't want to lose people. Healing makes you realize some people don't deserve to be in your life, no matter how much you love them.
Reva 💜, TWITTER:
Every narcissist wants to corrupt all they touch, so you either serve as their enabler, or stand defieant to abuse and serve as their victim
ɐuıɯ❣️, TWITTER:
People will abuse the
soft spot you have for them until it’s no longer there.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissists hate being challenged, they view your rights and boundaries as a personal insult to their superiority.
Reva 💜, TWITTER:
People who haven't been psychologically tortured will never understand how it feels
Just as the rich, but spiritually poor will never understand how it feels to be poor, but spiritually rich
Narcissistic abuse, gaslighting kills the soul
It murders a person's future
It is serious
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You can't tell a trauma survivor by looking at us.
For every survivor who's visibly depressed or anxious, there's another one hiding behind humor, or achievement drive-- or even a whole constructed identity.
Trauma defenses can be brilliant, convincing...and exhausting.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
What people don't get is, sometimes suicidal thoughts & fantasies are an escape from trauma feelings & memories.
It's REALLY hard to let go of those thoughts & fantasies without getting the feelings & memories to hurt less.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma survivors know all about that handling-your-fear-of-abandonment-by-pushing-people-away thing. Can't abandon me if you can't get close to me in the first place, pal.
It's so deeply entrenched in some of us it's like a reflex.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You should never be shamed for setting professional boundaries.
Reva 💜, TWITTER:
The hardest thing an empath will ever have to do is distance themselves from their own empathy, yet sometimes it's neccessary to protect themselves
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Codependency is the chronic neglect of ourselves for the pseudo love and approval from others.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Affirmation for your inner child: You should have been protected. It wasn’t your fault. You are safe now and I will set boundaries to make sure of it.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Childhood trauma creates a harsh inner critic. The internalized voices from the dysfunctional home that say: we aren’t good enough, everyone will leave us, and no one cares about how we feel.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
When you learn to love yourself, your taste in what you will accept will change...
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
It's not your job to expose the fake. In due time, they expose themselves.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We all hurt people throughout life. This is a part of being a flawed human being. The difference between someone's who's flawed and someone who's toxic is the desire to be better. And the ability to take responsibility for our actions.
S, TWITTER:
No one has a right to abuse you!
¸Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Damn right survivors have an attitude. It comes with being disrespected. It comes out when they encounter manipulative people who don't respect other people rights, who don't care about anyone but themselves.
valerie bertinelli, TWITTER:
You will never really know what someone else is moving through.
Please be kind.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Avoid people that try to tell you who you are & what are you doing.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
Healing means preparing yourself for emotionally available people to walk into your life.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
It's crazy how the narcissist will label you as controlling when you are the one that is actually open to discussing things.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Today someone commented that if I was fully healed I wouldn't have my feelings hurt by negative comments and that I still have work to do.
We experience the world around us through our nervous system.
A nervous system that works every waking moment to sense real or perceived danger. That danger can look like: a mean comment, an insult from a co-worker, or a sarcastic comment from a friend.
And when our nervous system is activated, our thoughts shift.
We can be flooded with thoughts of "I'm not good enough" "I need to stop sharing" "No one cares what I have to say."
I experience this, often.
This idea that one day we will never experience 'negative' emotions. And that being healed means we become robots devoid of emotions isn't true.
We need 'negative' emotions.
When someone hurts us, we don't need to give "love and light."
What we need to do feel the anger. This anger motivates us to: set boundaries, remove ourselves from abusive situations, and to keep ourselves safe.
My feelings get hurt. My ego gets involved. I second guess myself. I feel less than, often. Any "success" I've had doesn't take those feelings away.
If anything, it's amplified them.
I just continue to show up. That's all I can do.
The truth is we're all fragile, sensitive beings wondering if we're doing this thing called life right. We're all looking for evidence that we don't belong. We all feel alone, unworthy, and fear we'll be abandoned, at times.
This is what unites us. This is what, if we're vulnerable enough to speak about, will bring us to better understand each other. To better support each other.
And to free us from the belief that we need to judge ourselves for feeling natural emotions.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We need ‘negative emotions.’ When someone hurts us we don’t need ‘love & light.’ We need to feel the anger that motivates us: to place boundaries, remove ourselves from abusive situations, and to keep ourselves safe.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The diagnostic model says that people are mentally ill, typically due to their genetics. The holistic model says people are adapting: to attachment trauma, a highly dysfunctional society, and oppressive systems in the best ways they know how.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The diagnostic model sees people as disordered. The holistic model understands the nervous system and how it creates: our thoughts, our reactions, and our world views based on the threats (real or imagined) in our environment.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
A toxic family system uses guilt to control. When you start to become more independent and place boundaries, you'll be called selfish. This is a sign of how much those boundaries are needed, not a sign to conform to the family system.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When we're regularly mocked, bullied, & coerced growing up, we often internalize that style of communication-- & it becomes the baseline for how we talk to OURSELVES.
UN-learning sh*tty self-talk can feel awkward, like learning a new language-- but it's worth the hassle.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When now starts feeling a little too much like "back then," our brain sometimes pulls the trigger on dissociation to keep us from getting too close to something it thinks is REALLY dangerous.
Dissociation isn't "bad"-- but it can be INCONVENIENT when it's a snap reflex.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Argumentative people are desperate to be heard.
Matt Gangloff, TWITTER:
People need to understand that an obsession with self-help can be a trauma response. It’s often rooted in a sense of not being good enough as we are.
Ashraf Heleka, TWITTER:
Extreme perspectives. Some self help focuses on the impact of luck in our life, leading us to think our failures are not our fault. Or on the other end, the belief that we are 100% in control of our outcomes, leads to an excessive desire to control. Truth is somewhere in between
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The first rule of mental health:
Learn to distinguish who deserves an explanation, who deserves only one answer, and who deserves absolutely no answer.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
IF ONLY it was as easy as "letting go" of shame & aggressive self-talk.
Trauma survivors have been CONDITIONED in that sh*t-- it's become the BASELINE of our mental life. It feels NORMAL.
We have to think in terms of deconditioning & reprogramming-- not just "letting go."
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
No more relationships where you are always in the wrong, no matter what you do.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
I believe we are in a period of people waking up to break generational trauma cycles. There’s a lot of pain, confusion, and division right now. It’s a collective dark night of the soul that will result in global healing.
jo, TWITTER:
If the wrong people gain access to your life they can damage your health beyond anything you could ever imagine.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When I was a chronic people pleaser I had a wide circle of friends. My circle shrank when I started setting boundaries and meeting my own needs. I realize now that a smaller circle can be a sign of authenticity.
S, TWITTER:
People will try and shut you down, when they don't want to acknowledge the truth.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Change your thoughts or just shift your mindset leaves out the reality that our nervous system (polyvagal) state creates our thoughts. If we’re in chronic stress or survival mode, we lose the ability to ‘just change’ our thoughts— it’s our body creating them.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Part of trauma recovery is saying nah-- I'm done letting my boundaries get trampled in order to please or be accepted by someone else.
It's realizing that if I mangle ME to be accepted by YOU, who are you REALLY "accepting," anyway? A fake version of me? What's the point?
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
The entitled victim doesn't like it when anyone else is hurting apart from them.
Jo 🌻, TWITTER:
If those who tell the truth threaten you, then you are doing something very wrong.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
If it feels like a LOT,
it’s because it IS a lot.
You. Are. Not. Weak.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Educational Resource
Workplace Bullying
Phase 3: The narcissist seeks to sabotage and destroy the person whom he or she is jealous of. The narcissist is internally enraged when he or she sees the emotionally intelligent partner utilizing his or her power https://psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parenting/202112/the-4-critical-steps-narcissists-invasion
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
The older you get, the more you realize a lot of people will love the idea of you, but lack the ability to grasp the reality of you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Blog: "Trauma tends to heavily influence how we talk to ourselves.
People who're smart & strong get convinced they're stupid & weak— all because they’ve been conditioned to talk to themselves like their bullies & abusers talked to them once upon a time.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
What I DON'T want is trauma psychology reduced to a glut of labels or buzzwords that masquerade as explanations.
Our understanding of how trauma impacts humans & the therapy process HAS to keep EVOLVING. I want trauma psychology to look WAY different in 10, 20, & 100 years.
(16.12.2022)
Why bad things happen, why evil exists? Currently from our present position when we are in fear and anxiety as default mode due to trauma - we do not see the future. Somewhere in the future we will have certain powers and authority where we will be the ones who will decide and who will have power to remove, warn and punish someone who is toxic. Toxic people abuse and bully others because the authority around them is weak and allows them to abuse others. Someone in power is allowing them through silence to abuse others. That is why we keep getting the message from anxiety, so that we learn how much abuse is dangerous and when in the future we will be the one powerful to handle it - that we do handle it. That we do not pretend it is not happening. Right now we might not have power to control it, due to real, potential punishment from abuser(s).
I see trauma, anxiety as in sci-fi movie Moon (2009) - there is a plot about being re-born, re-created from time to time without remembering this recreating is happening. In the same way, with fears and panic and anxiety and trauma we take on previous beliefs, habits, used forms and we repeat them - without being aware that we can break copy-paste cycle. It is as if someone is making us to repeat the same patterns, and breaking the ice never happens. That is conditioning, hypnosis. The repeated copy-paste unhealthy habits are holding on to grudge and fawning.
Hypervigilance is constant state whenever I have occasional triggers and flashbacks. I am not aware of it at all that I am actually calm and when there is no threat - I am in peaceful phase - it does not seem to me it is peaceful at all. This is great discovery that I found out only after learning about complex trauma information. CPTSD showed me that there is amygdala hijacking phenomena going on. Without this information I have no idea what is happening or that I am in different states. From my perspective it is all linear and there are no break lines. So without noticing this breaks, I can easily stumble into depression without being aware of it and engage in hamster wheel rumination cycles without being aware of it at all. When I am not aware of something, other people can easily manipulate and take possession and control of my priorities, focus and resources - since I am not the one who will say no, alarm and reject someone's requests. With the knowledge of hypervigilance I can discern when I can allow myself to rest and feel good - and when there is actual alarm - it feels different, when I am in panic mode it is different, even though from my perspective each social anxiety panic feels anew, different and totally disconnected from any past experiences - and it fused with black thinking and there is no solution, cure or end to fears. Plus I blame myself to make it all worse which leads to fawning issues.
I noticed one habit which was covert - until I learned about Humanistic psychology and self worth. When I watch new movie I tend to evaluate it from the position of giving it top star at first at IMDb, and until the end of movie I remove top stars if I dislike the movie. Amazingly enough I repeat this same pattern in social situations. I run around with open hands, trust and believe absolutely everyone - I know this is due to trauma mixed with friendly attitude. Trauma is being punished for not liking someone and natural chidlike trust in anyone as remnant of arrested development due to social anxiety start due to bully events in youth. Well - now I realize I can actually start to evaluate anything and anyone from zero - and afterwards I give them the pass if they deserve it. I know it is normal and healthy to be friendly and nice and good - but I see it as non-functional in the world filled with egocentric people. I end up being pushover, taken advantage - just because of being stuck in attitude of open hands to anyone. Now I can actually change my mindset and how I think. Without this insight - I would be hypnotized and conditioned to fawn right at the start. This is why CBT is extremely dangerous and detrimental therapy. CBT ought to explain this - but instead of information it only gives self pathology and toxic shame. With glorifying other people I beg others to love me and I beg for acceptance. It is part of trauma bonding and external referencing locus of control which I was not aware of at all.
One giant pet peeve which I believe many socially anxious empaths experience is when other people appear non anxious and they do not react in the same way to something unfair, violent, abusive. Until I learned about egocentrism and trauma information I was convinced that this is the ultimate sign that I am inferior, inept while other people, all of them are superior, that they are somehow strong and immune to anything negative, catastrophic and depressing in life. Now I know - that people who do not react in socially anxious manner to anything unfair in life is not due to their superiority. It is the same way as for trauma: 1) trauma stemming from toxic environment 2) trauma stemming from Maslow needs not being met. This means, people who appear cool at given moment - they are simply 1) with low IQ and low emotional intelligence levels, plus 2) have enough money to be safe to feel safe, they have safety net. So basically - they are not superior at all, they practically cheat in life. It is like they have cheat code in a computer game. Now that is different way to view other people who appear without any anxiety issues and this view will not produce fawning now inferiority complex. Now I can place myself on par with other people instead of feeling inept, and that my opinion, words, actions are automatically not valid for the sole reason of feeling anxiety and being in some undefined, vague, unfair position.
With social anxiety we are being invalidated over and over again. It is form of oppression - where we are afraid of ufair criticism and negative evaluation. With toxic empathy we try not to invalidate other people - at our own expense. Then we take care of all other people - while they throw their invalidation mantra onto us such as:
- I'm sure it wasn't that bad
- You're overly sensitive
- You probably took it too personally
- You'll get over it
- Just let it go
- You're a strong person
- It could be worse
- Everything happens for a reason
- I know exactly how you feel
- You shouldn't this or that
So in order not to hurt the other person, not to invalidate their invalidation - we take on their labels, shut up about it and not protest when they insist on their quick bias being true. And we have no idea while we are in panic mode that we are being double time invalidated.
With social anxiety issue which are actually Complex PTSD - the mind itself is not sick, toxic, wrong, devient. It is the additional fears, conditioned responses that make up the disorder: automatic imagination of what someone else will say: approve, criticize. This happens immediately about any kind of action, done in the past, done in the present or about to be done. Imaginary public appears, inner critic - and there is some kind of criticism that appears in socially anxious mind - which paradoxically can even be positive - yet it comes with the burden of external referencing and trauma bonding as if the other person - real or imagined has some kind of control, influence and say about anything we say or do in social situations. This imaginary critic is taxing our confidence, as invalidation. Positive or negative - depending on someone else's say about anything we personally do is invalidation, it leads to psychological damage, it destroys self worth and it instals toxic shame.
With trauma and social anxiety there is no difference, there is no ability to make difference between real hatred and someone not having hatred or manipulation yet appearing angry and hostile. With healing we will have ability to make a difference between some people who appear antagonistic seeing what is going on - are they manipulative or not. Trauma splitting is making black and white world where all anger emotions are seen as threat. With ability to differentiate I will be able to retort and express my own anger without hating the other person who is also angry but not hostile. With social anxiety and trauma these emotions are all equal.
The frequent issue with social anxiety and trauma is toxic shame - where if we nitpick and try to change our emotions and anything that is "wrong" - we make it worse, what we resist - persist. If I label some action, habit as toxic - I will confirm deep inside that I am faulty and I will destroy my self worth without being aware what self damage I am doing by criticizing and invalidation. So what I see as solution - when there is toxicity, when there is something wrong that needs change and different action is that everything is contextual. Since there is no truth, and we live in double binding dualistic universe - anything that is wrong is actually correct in certain settings. So we might see social anxiety and trauma as misplaced, splintered and splitted actions and decisions which are torn off and placed in wrong context. It is great to be nice and good to all people - but in healthy environment only. In toxic ambient, being nice gets you exploited and traumatized. It is great to have passion but in presence of insecure people this will be trigger for them to become abusive and judgemental and hurtful to us. It is great to devote time to myself and remove myself from drama - but if this is done automatically all the time, this inhibition will start to be detrimental. It is wrong to throw temper tantrums - but it is good to throw one when we are in immediate danger and there is no other way to escape danger. Everything is contextual.
So the real problem is how to change toxic aspects learned defense mechanisms without destroying self worth in the process by unintentionally instaling toxic shame by shaming myself. If I am aware that fawning is the problem - the greater problem would be to over-generalize and become psychopath without considering other people. If I am aware that I am afraid of speaking up - the greater problem would be to become annoying and irritating and talking nonsense and gibberish. If I am aware that I shut up, it would be greater problem to heighten social anxiety by CBT advice to micromanage my thoughts, actions and decisions and thus make fears and inhibitions about what I am thinking and doing - making panic attack out of any social situation in the process. What is necessary then is to know the general route, some general rule from which I can draw and withdraw inspiration and guidance, guidelines what is my personality, my interest without becoming narcissist in the process by not thinking about other people. Self absorobtion would follow the idea that I nitpick certain acts and decisions in order to fix wrong toxic habits. If I know trauma concept, I know that it all stems from self hatred and not having self worth inside me, that my locus of control is placed in other people. If I know this, I can always re-align with my intrinsic locus of control. It is about knowing that certain triggers will place me in rigid automatic behaviour which is in the essence toxic habit, all defense mechanisms I learned in trauma and conditioning.
With all things related to social anxiety trauma taken into consideration, along with panic hysteria and rumination toxic shame, the one and only question - to simplify social anxiety and trauma is to answer the question how can I ease up in a connection in given ambient right now. Toxic people hate transparency and parasites thrive when they are covered and covert in the dark, outside of awareness. Right now means - that I am aware of what is going on, what is context where I am at that moment. Obviously it is useless to enter endless arguments with someone determined not to listen others. When I forsake my explanations, my views, my opinions - I allow other people to control me without being aware of this manipulation. My definitions, my truth, my opinion - is the boundary - even though a mere expression does not appear like a boundary. We are explained that boundary means conflict and drama.
During invalidation and abuse we were programmed to shut up - and this way we never learned the mystery and secret how other people get what they want and how they repel toxic people - while we end up empty, poor and filled with plethora of parasites, jackals and psychopaths all around. The silence which was explained and installed inside us as something good, nice, normal and desirable is creating the chaos. This way, good intentions do lead to hell, good wishes are path to hell. Rigid mindset is always toxic and unhealthy - even when it is formed as something positive and good.
Social anixety automatically means covert grudge - even if we try hard to convince ourselves we are good, nice and have only good intentions without anger. Social anxiety automatically means that there are toxic people around us and that our Maslow needs are not met. Now grudge is controlling me - and I am not aware of it. Evil people also control anyone with social anxiety without being aware that toxic people are the culprit of our decisions, explanations and action we take. Maslow needs form our actions - without money we do not have money for yachts, hiking and even non-luxury ski lodging. This means that if we decide to follow CBT idea that we are responsible for evil people through our thinking process - we will create toxic shame and self hatred, more grudge and more anxiety. More of shame and more of guilt - feeling guilty for not having money, resources.
When we are influenced by toxic ambient which is totally outside of our control - the goal is to come up with my idea and solutions so that I am not controlled by others. When I am not aware what is going on - I will not be able to come up with idea to solve it. When I am not educated I will not be aware of problem. And if I am not exposed to new things, new ideas, education - I will not have tools nor material to form solutions. That is why rigid mindset is sickness, it is dysfunctional. Rigid mindset is belief that we can conquer evil by being good and rejecting and suppressing anything negative - something that I enforced early on in social anxiety experience - and it is something that CBT is promoting heavily.
Being in a poison - we will be soaked in poison, depression, being left high and dry and immobile - this will happen not because of our cognitive distortions as CBT explains it. This happens because of evil people, psychopaths not being held accountable, sick narcissists not seeking therapy, mental healthy and not performing mental hygiene. Obvious solution is to relocate, cut contact and minimize contact with toxic people - the problem are not inside our thinking process, bias and wrong conclusions as CBT tries to explain to anyone with social anxiety trauma.
Toxic people are the cause of social anxiety trauma, not our thinking process. Social anxiety did not fell out of space. It came from the social element, as it is described in its name: social + anxiety. It is social, society that is causing anxiety, toxic society that is.
Toxic is when someone is aggressive in order to exploit their targets - through open violence or covert methods such as honeymoon phases and mirroring. This is all aggression even when it is sprinkled with sugar. The aggression of toxic people is due to toxic people perceiving their targets as food to mawl and perceiving their targets as dangerous.
From socially anxious perspective - we do not perceive it like that at all. Due to empathy, good nature, nice intrinsic mindset of peace and cooperation - we cannot perceive that evil people exist, that someone is ready to destroy others for fun or resource. Other people will define this inability to perceive evil people as weakness, as if we are cowards, sissy, inferior beings - and if we believe those labels, and we might since we are not aware that evil people can exist - we will become cowards - by fulfilling someone's hypnosis, programming. When we do not know who we are and what we want - without being aware of it - other people will control us, they will tell us who we are and what we need to do in life. When we become aware that this manipulation and control is going on - toxic people will attack us and destroy what they perceive as abnormality. With social anxiety it is therefore crucial to bring into awareness that evil people are evil, there is truly sick mindset inside them. If we don't bring this fact into awareness, they will stigmatize us, they will use Ad Hominems and violence to condition us into fear and submission, rigid mindset, toxic shame, immobility and self-censorship - and all these things are by definition Social anxiety. CBT does further damage by explaining our reactions to toxic people as cognitive distortion - and when we believe this lie, we will add to toxic shame, deep core belief that we are sick - which means more immobility, more anxiety, more toxic shame, more self-censorship, we do not express ourselves - since CBT tells us that our thoughts, opinions, words are nothing but cognitive distortions.
Konrad Lorenz studied imprinting, which is nothing else but triggers and flashbacks we experience after trauma. And he said that inssuficient discharge of aggressive drive is creating mental issues. When we are immobile, when we are told to shut up and never express ourselves - we won't be able to set boundaries: to talk our story, our side of story, our defense, our opinion, our ideas nor our solutions. And then toxic people will set the stage, rules - and we will be slaves to toxic people and their untreated mentally ill rigid mindset. Without being aware of evil people - we won't allow ourselves to feel anger - and this anger will be stuck inside us like trauma. Konrad Lorenz said that all people have aggressive drive - this is not cognitive distortion or sickness. Without anger we will become pushover, people pleaser, slave, drone - anger is not something to suppress or reject - as we were being told and explained by narcissists in authority. With empathy we can't express anger in violent way as those same narcissists do. Without anti-social sickness inside us - we can't express anger in violent way as toxic people do. Anger serves as energy to talk, to express ourselves when we encounter something unfair and toxic. With social anixety we shut up, we feel anger which we label as irritation and annoyance and CBT tells us to self hate and self pathologize our emotions into silence and immobility and being slave to toxic people when we do expose.
I noticed this pattern of being immobile, scared, self-censored in my social anxiety experience - where I needed time to feel safety first and then open up and start talking, objecting, contributing and taking initiative. This process was extremely long for me - in certain cases it took me 5 years to get used to new situation. I would speed up this process. CBT only made me being stuck in the people pleasing and fawning reactions, CBT did not help me to get unstuck. CBT kept me with toxic shame belief that my fears are equal to my low worth and inferiority and that other people are gods since they do not exhibit any "cognitive distoritions". I would end up being silent and knowing when other people are going to make wrong decisions, watching it unwrapped and not saying anything beforehand. If I did speak up - I would be silenced by toxic people and I would not know how to handle criticism, as CBT does not explain social anxiety through the prism of external elements at all. CBT does not handle social anxiety, instead CBT creates social anxiety.
Toxic people are draining. Each time they give criticism over non important issues and present them as catastrophe - they suck away target's energy, sanity, health, focus - and target gets exhausted. This criticism is almost always covert, it is not noticed - and we end up blaming ourselves for plethora of symptoms which are actually caused by narcissistic parasites. I see that narcissist's secret is in mimicry, they mimic "normal" people and lie and manipulate. They present themselves whatever they mirror from their target. It is like Borg sucking up all the information available and later using this information for assimilation and keeping codependents servicable to them. So I would use this information as caution, as recognizing that if someone appears too nice and too perfect - something is not right. Anger is part of life, being unfair and making wrong decisions are normal part of life. When we are abused - we will tend to trauma split - and label anyone showing a slightest anger as dangerous - while good and nice and friendly folks will get out private time - only to end up with abuser when they reveal their true face afterwards, when it is too late. I would also use this information to encorporate expression which narcissists will self destruct, similar to creating virus for the Borg that will destroy them from within after they download it. This means - showing love, vulnerability, functional and healthy anger, being honest, being transparent, saying sorry and being humble. When they start to mirror these, their system will malfunction and self destruct. We will tend to hide being humble or vulnerable since narcissistic society labels being human as sickness and abnormal - where we ought to be silent or in full rage, as psychopaths promote this as normal behaviour.
With social anxiety we will be programmed to please other person, to make it all right, that nothing bothers them - and in reality this is impossible task. People pleasing, fawning is the central issue with social anxiety - the fear of criticism means fear of not pleasing other people. Narcissists appear competent and strong, as if they do not have these fears since they do not engage in people pleasing. Society somehow interprets this ability to be without heart as competence. The secret in the success of being "strong", yelling and screaming without thinking about others - is that narcissists discovered that most people will go and leave - and leave all the resources to be claimed by someone angry enough to scare others. The secret in success in showing up. As empaths we will leave, avoid as primary reaction to someone being abusive and difficult - and avoidance and isolation leaves difficult people to show up. Now difficult undeserving parasites do not need to be smart nor competent - they simply show up and claim the awards by showing up - while we, socially anxious hide away and avoid the world. This needs to stop. As Woody Allen said - 80 percent of success is in showing up. When someone is difficult - they simply as all predators - push other eggs from the nest, so that they receive all the nourishment. This is why Social contract was invented, all the laws - criminals needs to be held accountable and this evil needs to be talked about and discussed and explained about.
Trauma work and healing means no longer repeating social anxiety pattern of avoidance, people pleasing, catastrophizing, being immobile and isolating myself and it means taking care of myself. This is very hard thing to explain and create and make - since triggers are too strong, repetition of trauma and hysteria conditioning - to decide it is a good solution to avoid life while believing that showing up has no result - and in reality showing up, simply being out there puts me in a position to move from rigid mindset.
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| Belvedere 1958 |
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Sometimes the people in charge are the problem.
Paula White-Cain, TWITTER:
Shake off every negative thing that is trying to weigh you down!
J.Townsend - Teacher/Writer, TWITTER:
When you live with an abuser you think the atmosphere they create by hostility, anger, negativity, misery, doom, gloom & life is mean and hard - is normal.
It's NOT. Only when you leave do you realise not everyone lives like that.
Some people have a completely different view.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We may never know why "they" aren't apologizing, or even acknowledging how "their" behavior affected you.
Maybe "they" can't; maybe "they" just won't.
Either way: we can't be held hostage to what "they" can or can't face or put words to. We have a life to live here.
Reva 🙌, TWITTER:
A person who survived tremendous abuse, carries tremendous trauma & can't coach anyone or listen to stories of abuse from others because it's overwhelmingly triggering & feels like a train going through their head because they can't handle their own grief, nevermind someone elses
Proud Triumphant 💊, TWITTER:
Don't worry, the right ones won't leave.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We make the world a better place by being who we actually are and allowing other people to be who they actually are.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Sometimes we NEED a change of scenery. Maybe we need to switch up our music. Maybe we need to go to a different physical place-- go outside, go inside.
Sometimes our nervous system NEEDS an external sensory jolt before we can hit "reset" & shake out of a trauma response.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When we're gripped by a trauma response, using our senses to get grounded isn't just about calming down-- it's about signaling to our nervous system we're here & now, NOT back there, back then.
We gotta talk, feel, & breathe our way back to safety-- step by step.
Easy. Focus.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Don't judge people for the choices they make when you don't know the options they had to choose from. None of us order from the same menu.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The way to become wise is to commit to finding the truth even when it hurts your feelings or makes you uncomfortable. Most people don’t find wisdom because they seek comfort and confirmation over truth.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
In the toxic family system, the healthiest person causes friction.
Jacklena Bentley, TWITTER:
You emotionally abuse yourself when you listen to the demons in your head.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The right people feel different to your nervous system.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
The narcissist loves people who seek conflict or who are afraid of conflict.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
PLENTY of people in the past have tried to save the world at the expense of neglecting their own emotional health— and it’s never worth it.
Your country and the world may very well need you— but it needs you healthy and safe.
You are JUST as worth saving as the world is.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
These holidays avoid conflict & drama by being too busy with doing good things.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You’re not “broken.” You’re having a reaction to what you went through.
You’re not “weak.” You’re having a reaction.
You’re not “stupid.” You’re having a reaction.
The strongest, smartest people in the world have reactions when they are put into certain positions.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Using your boundaries to stop personal harassment crimes does NOT make you guilty of anything.. it simply means you are taking a stand against individual or individuals who are harassing you.
You have every right to protect yourself from harm.
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Never accept being shamed for setting boundaries for your life.
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Trust your gut, because sometimes it's the only thing telling you the truth.
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Be the reason someone feels seen, heard, understood, appreciated, supported, and loved.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Be careful…getting in a relationship with the wrong person can damage your life.
Reva Steenbergen, TWITTER:
When you no longer care what people think of you.. you are free
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Not having the urge to explain or defend yourself is real peace.
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Bullying at any level is a theft of rights.
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~L. Frank Baum
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Authentic love is about freedom, not possession.
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Narcissistic personalities are notorious cowards.
Dr. Andrew Cicchetti, LCSW-R, TWITTER:
who you are under a campaign of coercive control, is not who you are.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
If we're not careful, we can turn our entire lives into an elaborate performance, trying to convince someone (everyone?) in our lives that we're "FINE," we don't NEED anything, that they DEFINITELY shouldn't abandon us.
We can blow YEARS "performing"-- & STILL feel insecure.
Overmind, TWITTER:
Remind yourself that you are capable of great things.
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A mistake is an accident. Bullying, stalking and lying are not mistakes, they are intentional choices.
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One of the best feelings is finally losing your attachment to somebody who isn’t good for you.
Josh…, TWITTER:
I didn't change, I just learned.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Be careful with how much you tolerate, you are teaching people how to treat you,
Josh…, TWITTER:
How they treat you is how they feel about you.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Don't let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma survivors often have this push-pull relationship with overfunctioning-- at work, in relationships, in life.
We often don't trust others to do their part-- so we take over the group project.
But then we're left overextended & resentful-- even if we know it was our call.
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
No longer lying or hiding things to protect the self is a sign of true healing.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Many who experience trauma will go to great lengths to feel IN control, even if it’s perceived control.
Why?
Because at the heart of what makes an experience traumatic IS the felt sense of utter helplessness—the experience of all autonomy + control being shattered.
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Don't lose hope. You need to rest, not to quit.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Your emotional intelligence and intuition will offend anyone who can't bullshit or manipulate you.
Paula White-Cain, TWITTER:
Go where you're celebrated, not just tolerated!
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Some of us don't know what it's like to have a conversation about how we feel that DOESN'T end in an argument-- even with ourselves.
In safe relationships-- including w/ ourselves-- we can feel a thing WITHOUT it being used against us.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissistic personalities hate that you are in full control of your life.. You decide what goes, and they hate you for it, so they set traps and use smear campaigns to distort the truth, so you are seen as less than them
Josh Goldberg || יהושוע, TWITTER:
A toxic person will blame you for issues that they had long before they even met you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma & addiction try, effortfully & persistently, to get us to talk to ourselves in ways that reinforce our helplessness & hopelessness.
Consciously paying attention to the content & tone of our self-talk, reassuring & refocusing ourselves, is a GAME CHANGING recovery skill.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When you grow up emotionally neglected, EVERY ask you make of someone that involves ANY degree of emotional labor might echo in your own head as "obviously" unreasonable, selfish, etc., etc.
We gotta remind ourselves that healthy relationships really DO involve give AND take.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Growing up in a dysfunctional home where there's chaos, addiction, or unsafe behaviors stunts our emotional development. Many of us have to re-raise ourselves as adults.
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
Rock bottom will teach you lessons that mountain tops never will.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Our recovery skills & tools are REALLY tested when we make a mistake. Our OLD pattern, based on how we WERE treated, may be to rip into ourselves or shut down & hide. IYKYK.
But as we get better, we learn to face up to mistakes-- w/ compassion, accountability, & forward focus.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Normalize disappointing people. The idea that we are going to be liked and gain approval from everyone in our lives is an illusion. Adults are capable of being disappointed.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Sometimes, their behavior is your answer.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Want to be attractive? Be yourself. Embrace your awkwardness, your ‘weird’ interests, and let people see you light up over whatever brings you happiness. Authenticity and being comfortable in your own skin is magnetic. People can just feel it.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When we get curious about our own behavior, when we ask ‘what made me do that’ rather than shaming ourselves or beating ourselves up—we heal. Defensive behaviors were created when we were helpless children just trying to survive what we didn’t understand.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Anyone who has deceitful and untruthful vibes will put a Empath on high alert.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Hey. Don't let some therapist's smug tweets about what is or isn't "real" therapy or what "should" or "shouldn't" help you get in your head (even my tweets, if that's how you hear them).
This is YOUR recovery journey. Pay attention what ACTUALLY moves the needle for YOU today.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Expecting anyone to be mentally well when living in poverty or facing poverty is unjust.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Trauma aware just means we see behavior through the lens of learned survival adaptations, and we help people to become both curious and compassionate about why they have them.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The “cry it out method” quite literally goes against our human nature. When children are upset they need co-regulation from a parent. That is how we (eventually) learn to self soothe, through the soothing of a parent.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
A beautiful way of healing is to express to your partner when you’re feeling insecure and to let them know what you need. “I’m feeling anxious it would really help if you reassured me that you loved me.”
Ask for what you need, then receive it.
Andrew Campbell, TWITTER:
It would be awesome if the courts accepted that the human brain is part of the human body because then emotional abuse = physical abuse.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Letting go of toxic attachments is a bitch, when you're convinced you're SO unattractive, SO annoying, SO "bad," that NO ONE will EVER want to be attached to you EVER AGAIN if you let this one go.
Low self-esteem keeps us holding on; which then damages our self esteem. Repeat.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
Be alone until you’re valued.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The sooner you figure out which chairs don't belong at your table the more peaceful your meals will be.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Stop being okay with things you really not okay with.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Usually, smear campaigns when you can't be controlled or manipulated.
Dr. Thema, TWITTER:
You had to learn to survive, fight, and think five steps ahead.
May your new season show you what it’s like to be treated with tenderness and respect. You’re worthy.
Narcissistic Support, TWITTER:
The abuser in your life is analysing everything you write and say, looking for something to fit into their preconceived perception of you. And they will make it work. They don’t take you at face value, they are constantly searching for ways to vilify you. Its done innately
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Accountability feels like an attack when you're not ready to acknowledge how your behavior harms others.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissistic personalities are offended because they refuse to be held accountable.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Not abandoning ourselves looks like talking ourselves through a rough night.
It looks like setting boundaries w/ toxic relationships (even if it's hard).
It looks like refusing to harm ourselves (even if we REALLY want to or feel we "deserve" it).
Just be there.
Essential Mastery, TWITTER:
People be so quick to forget all the things you've did for them.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
If you don't let go of the wrong people, you'll never meet the right people.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Your happiness and well- being are very important...
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Sometimes you think so hard about life and you forget to live it.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Be happy, it drives people crazy.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
they will judge you anyway, so keep goin.
Essential Mastery, TWITTER:
Always be honest about the way someone makes you feel about yourself.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Prove yourself to yourself, not to others.
Proud Triumphant 💊, TWITTER:
Normalize saying “I don’t know enough to have an opinion.”
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissistic personalities are emotionally immature, emotionally unstable and cruel.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You still haven't met all of the people who are going to absolutely love you, hang in there..The best is yet to come for you...
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Don't overshare. Privacy is power.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Stop telling people your plans, level up in private.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
People grow when they are loved well. If you want to help someone heal, love them without an agenda.
Proud Triumphant 💊, TWITTER:
Your body will naturally feel calm around the right people - trust it.
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
You deserve a calm mind and a peaceful life.
(25.12.2022)
Charcot hysteria was observed even in The Brothers Karamazov, the famous book by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, published in 1880. He talked about Klikusha, what old Russians named women that seemed possessed by Devil, but in fact were abused and traumatized. Social anxiety appears the same way as he described in the book, for the male character - crying, not able to talk, weeping. When we observe social anxiety trauma and panic as dysregulation, then it can be defined as being calcified - it is rigid. There is rigid thinking due to amygdala hijacking - it is due to body, brain reaction to toxic people and toxic ambient and toxic circumstances, outside of control. CBT explains it as if our brain and thinking pattern is sick - which only increases toxic shame, this explanation does not help. It helps to see social anxiety reaction as external reaction - since we will free our self worth from the chains of shame and guilt imposed by toxic society.
It helps to realize that our thinking is calcified, similar to calcified water. It is outside circumstance, it is not the whole trait of the system, it is not permanent - and it can be cleansed off. We break rigid mindset of hypnosis and dysregulation by showing up. When toxic people are rude, aggressive - they have agenda to shut us up and remove us from life. And we usually blame ourselves due to toxic shame, they reflect and mirror our self hatred inside us and we follow and listen to their unfair, aggressive behaviour as if they are correct - and we isolate, avoid, shut up, self blame. The simple fact of life is that when we do not show up, our chances for success diminish - and evil people can have all the resources since we are not there to bother them. They are parasites and they see other people as competition, danger and paradoxically as predator - even though they are predators, jackals.
Our reaction to evil people are wrong, we never learned how to respond to evil. The most quickest way is to flee or fawn or freeze. Fight response is not functional - since evil people will hold grudge and change their tactics. They will report to unfair actions such as back-stabbing retaliation. If we become evil and hysterical - they will use it against us. If we scare them away, they will find some other way to abuse which may be harder to recognize. Our actions against evil will create covert evil - and I think this is the result: that we end up with social anxiety, without knowing that external factor is the problem and CBT explaining us that we are the sole problem in the world, creating our own misery.
I would rely on blocking, muting, relocating, retort, expressing, showing up, gray rock method - as techniques how to handle evil people, which formal medical help does not explain at all.
Anxiety means we have higher IQ, where we are able to see multiple dimensions, which are not observable to "normal" people, people without anxiety. It is like having fine tune radar which picks up detailed distortions. This is why I would go in the direction of accepting anxiety - since it will not go away. Abuse, trauma, higher IQ will make us see danger where most people will be invisible to notice.
Someone who is rude and aggressive - when we go into dysregualtion due to triggers, we might easily miss the fact that they have hidden agenda. CBT will instruct us to self blame, self pathologize for feeling fears and panic, and to develop toxic shame since CBT will explain that we are not man enough. That is why self worth is crucial. Without self worth we will automatically self blame and we won't ever consider that this person is pathological liar and has hidden agenda.
I would see trauma healing as recognition that evil will still happen - but where we will know that it is useless to go to road of hysteria, self blame and that there is body brain reaction happening inside us which is normal reaction to abnormal people and abnormal circumstances. With CBT explanation of panic and fears - we would put our all focus on fears and our goals would be second or not even present in our awareness. With self worth knowledge, intrinsic locus of control, there is knowledge and awareness that we are here to self express, to have no ideas, to be innovative and expression is the most important tool - it is not about confidence as CBT claims. Confidence will come when we have Maslow needs satisfied, where we are not scared of not having money and security. Until then it is about human dignity. Fears and trauma will condition us to go into fawning, self blame, toxic shaming, self pathologizing, due to deep self hatred. That is all trauma which needs healing. In the future when triggers and flashbacks happen - that I no longer go into automatic pattern of thinking and behaving.
Such as catastrophizing, being scared what other people will think, not knowing my rights, self censorship.
Social anxiety trauma is basically coming down to not knowing how to stand up for ourselves, what to speak, how to react in the presence of criticism, negative evaluation. It is also feeling behind immobility. We will equate expressing anger as personal attack on other person who might harm us if we state something that is not in the neutral.
Fawning is trauma reaction - however it is not pathology all the time. People pleasing starts to be problem when we repeat it in normal, healthy, non threatening ambient, when it becomes constant pattern. Everything is contextual. If we are in toxic ambient - with narcissistic abuse, with dangerous people around us where there is punishment, if we express ourselves and this gets us fired - then fawning is surviving mechanism, it is not necessarily bad and something to hide and be ashamed of. If we are in danger, fawning will save us from severe damage whatever that may entail. With social anxiety we need to become scientist and see what happens when we are honest and express our words, opinions, conclusions - which are actually boundaries - are we punished? Is there danger? What kind of punishment happens when we are free to talk freely? With social anxiety we might misinterpret other people's reaction as danger and punishment and we shut up, self censor, avoid - where we might talk it out and alarm and alert someone who has low IQ, low emotional intelligence, low empathy, low social skills masked as superiority complex, super confidence, being loud and obnoxious. The same goes with other reactions such as freezing. Everything is contextual.
Social anxiety trauma is conglomeration of deep seated toxic shame which appears as being disgusting, wrong and unacceptable along with toxic person who is trigger here. Without education about Complex Trauma, and with CBT as the only resource and explanation about social anxiety- the primary focus is on self and flaws - which only makes toxic shame more exacerbating through self-pathology which is CBT.
With education about CPTSD it becomes clear that toxic people are culprit, they are the origins, initiators of social anxiety - yet it is not up to them to heal. They will not change. Without education about abuse, we try to change ourselves so that somehow we change other people - CBT's ABC model is doing this. This is not working at all. This will only lead to more of toxic shame and trauma bonding where I will see the abuser as strong, superior - and that is exactly what they want with their abuse. I end up changing myself, keeping myself small and silent and I do not express myself. That is their goal and CBT enforced narcissistic abuse, such model to be silent and quiet and to appease the abuser. There is a difference between shutting up and grey rock method. When I decide to fawn I will be afraid of abuser, and I will plan my actions and thoughts around this aggressive person and hence abuser will control and manipulate me. When I continue doing my goals, things, work and job - without basing my actions and decisions and ideas around pleasing the abuser and their moods and temper tantrums - they will not be in my focus and they won't control me - even if I appear as I am afraid of them - since I do not reply to their baiting. CBT does not explain this at all.
What I express - is how I attract or repel the narcissists. Without knowing it I am making myself presentable to toxic people. I see them all friendly and open as me, so they take advantage of me not having boundaries. Fawning, people pleasing, being pushover are totally normal acts with normal healthy friendly, non-hidden-agenda individuals. It becomes the problem when there is a toxic person. With social anxiety I am trapped in inner critic internalized and mixed with toxic shame, where I presume what other people may criticize and nag and complain about - due to exposure to narcissistic abuse. Without information about trauma I am not aware of any expression I actually participate in abuse. Not because of my persona, trait or soul or thinking or anything related to self worth - I participate by expecting normal person, normal communication as I would with anybody who is sane. Without information about narcissism and borderliners and B cluster, I keep open attitude, open borders, trying to resolve and solve issues which they produce on purpose - where now I know it is impossible to come up with resolution with difficult people and I do not need to try.
We end up inviting abusers and toxic people not because of our own decision nor our free will - it is due to conditioning, hypnosis and set-up to attract toxic people. When I am criticized all the time, I doubt myself and I end up not knowing what I want, I end up being afraid of making decisions, making idea into reality and I end up immobile. Then people around me easily pick me up as a puppet on a string. Fawning is the mechanism where I attract and allow abuse and abusers to manipulate and control me due to fear of punishment, where punishment is the conditioning Skinner's box mechanisms. Punishment would be toxic shame, labels, prejudice, quick judgements, intrusive crossing boundaries where toxic people allow themselves to pry and make decision in my name. And I end up fearing to please them. The word strike or rebellion or saying no is exotic and mysterious.
Punishment and intrusive prying make me doubt myself and seek resolutions which will never be reached. That is trauma - being stuck in seeking resolution without realizing that I am put in hamster wheel for the purpose of being confused and immobile, inactive, passive. With self worth I would not fight, I would not resort to rancour or endless "assertive" discussions or explanations - I would opt out of Karpman Drama Triangle. Turn the page, turn the leaf knowing that I am doing this as an act of liberation, not as fawning or running away - it is not matter of being scared, courage or cowardice at all. Toxic people cannot be healed, it is not my job to set them straight and they will not change no matter what evidence and facts were presented to them. I would rather vibe alone than to be in toxic ambient.
Toxic people are simply loud and obnoxious, they talk and they are taking all the space - and others not joining in toxic topic - toxic people end up rationalizing silence of others as others are stupid and inferior, and that they end up believing that they are leaders, best and the most smartest - simply because there is no opposition. Toxic people do not have opposition since it is futile to discuss anything with them.
With toxic shame internalized mixed up with loud and obnoxious "confident" people I end up doubting myself and trying to fix my self, myself and my caprices, individuality in order to crap fit into the so called norm. People who are loud and obnoxious are not confident, they only appear like this due to mask. If they were truly confident, they would not observe life as battle over resources. They see people as objects, they learned to be loud, obnoxious, shaming - since they noticed that others become immobile and then all the resources they feel entitled for are all for them - while we willingly stay in immobility and passivity and endless cycle of fixing ourselves. Sprinkled with CBT such as order to "brush" up our social skills - while toxic people have no skill, only act.
Shaming has another purpose other than immobility and passivity and PureOCD. It also created mental imbalance - where I end up imagining inner critic being outward, where I imagine people criticizing me - which turns into social anxiety. Without trauma information I would label discomfort and aggression and intrusion by toxic people as my fault. I would blame myself for feeling uncomfortable, as CBT instructs us to feel bad about ourselves for feeling negative emotions, reactions to toxic people and their agenda and manipulation. With trauma information I know that dysregulation is normal reaction to toxic people and I need to wait it out, without messing and meddling and nitpicking.
webbercookn, TWITTER:
In difficult times believe in yourself.
introvert, TWITTER:
they think u mad, whole time u just lost respect for them…
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Self worth comes from making and keeping promises to yourself, even when no one is looking.
introvert, TWITTER:
normalize not forcing people to choose you.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Stay away from people who put others down.
What is moral aspiration?
In The Morality of Law, Fuller characterizes the 'morality of aspiration' as the morality of the Good Life, of excellence, of the fullest realization of human powers.Jul 30, 2010
Moral Aspirations and Ideals | Utilitas | Cambridge Core
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
life is more peaceful when you mind your business.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You bet, giving up self-destructive coping skills that we know "work," for supposedly less self-destructive coping skills that are unproven and unfamiliar, is a risk.
Trauma recovery asks us to take LOTS of risks-- & we don't have to pretend that's NOT scary &/or uncomfortable.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Highly sensitive people are not fooled by words and appearances. They notice subtle changes in your energy, tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. They notice bad energy, bullshit, weird vibes, and sneaky shit. They respond to your intentions rather than your words
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Just remember, a red flag is a warning not a challenge.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
May you never again get attached to anyone who isn’t for you. May you find a love that makes you laugh, never lets the honeymoon phase end and gives you unquestionable loyalty. Someone who adores your childlike playfulness AND your old soul – a love you never have to heal from.
Flowsy, TWITTER:
Psychology says, don’t judge a situation you’ve never been in.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Targets are usually anyone who is “different” from the organizational norm. Usually victims are competent, educated, resilient, outspoken, challenge the status quo, are more empathic or attractive and tend to be women,
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with in vain.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
The narcissist wants you to be bitter.
I want you to be better.
Andrew Campbell, TWITTER:
Silence furthers abuse and protects abusers.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You did nothing wrong asking to be treated right.
Read again....
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Never apologize for having boundaries that require others to treat you right. If they refuse, then the problem isn't with you.
Narcissistic Support, TWITTER:
Newsflash: A narcissists gaslighting does not define who you are. You are successful, you are of value, you are loved by others, you do have worth in this World. Gaslighting is abuse and someone who persistently vilifies you is an abuser #AbuseIsAbuse
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Loving a partner who grew up in survival mode takes a lot of patience, clear boundaries, and grace as they learn love beyond survival.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You DON'T have to do the whole thing. All you have to do is start.
Do the first part of the first part of the first thing.
Then do the NEXT teeny, tiny, FRACTION.
Move so slow, in such small increments, that it'd be silly NOT to take the next micro step.
There you go.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The only person who gets to decide if something was traumatic, is the person who experienced the event.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
I hope you know that the world is better because you're in it.
introvert, TWITTER:
cutting people from your life doesn‘t mean you hate them, it simply means you respect yourself.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Insulting people because you disagree with them is bottom-tier ignorance. You have no solid rational argument — so you use insults.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
To avoid disappointment, take people exactly as they are, instead of romanticizing about what you wish they would be.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Hypervigilance makes social situations not only stressful, but unbearable. The constant looking around at facial expressions, the obsession in the mind around what people are thinking about you, and the second guessing of everything you say.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
You deserve a calm and comforting love with someone who's your safe space, your best friend, and brings peace to your soul during stressful times.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
You got two big choices: do it now or regret it later.
Fiona | The Millennial Money Woman, TWITTER:
Perfection isn't the goal. Consistency is.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
I must also have a dark side if I am to be whole.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
You may never get closure, an explanation, or an apology. But we can learn from everything we experience and become wiser, kinder versions of ourselves in the process.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
LOTS of people reading this know what it's like to go for their entire lifetimes feeling like what they think & say is being monitored & critiqued.
Lots of us ARE reflexively shy & guarded-- for a reason. IYKYK.
We only untangle that sh*t with time. Don't rush yourself.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Self compassion looks like understanding you’re not your past, not your mistakes, and not your thoughts. You are who you choose to be in any new moment. Life is beautiful in that way.
Vennie Kocsis, TWITTER:
Stop staying silent about bad people and their actions.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Sometimes it's like we get triggered, & our nervous system cranks up this immersive, morbid slide show-- that has images, body sensations, & feelings...& is REALLY hard to interrupt or even slow down.
And squeezing your eyes shut makes it worse-- because it's playing *in here.*
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
Telling a narcissist your plans for the future is basically telling them to feel free to sabotage those plans because the narc most definitely will.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Somebody having boundaries is not disrespectful.
The Wounded Healer, TWITTER:
Make no mistake, mental health problems affect all people regardless of socio-economic background. But having money can make life a lot easier & help to improve mental health.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Every time you take yourself to a higher level of vibration, be prepared for a new devil.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
There are people reading this who have ABSOLUTELY exhausted themselves, mentally & physically, trying to care for the people in their lives-- & who STILL think they're "selfish" or "entitled," because of how they've been programmed & gaslit.
It's not just you-- & it's not true.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Emotional abuse creates invisible scars, core beliefs, and bodily reactions that can last throughout life.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You can't appeal to the conscience of someone who doesn't have one.
Kim Saeed
The Wounded Healer, TWITTER:
Normalise not feeling guilty about distancing yourself from negativity. Life is just too short.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We can’t control our thoughts. Thoughts are neurological impulses that reflect the state of our nervous system. What we can do, is learn healthier ways to respond to our thoughts. Our thoughts don’t need to dictate our behavior.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
You can't reconcile a relationship with someone that doesn't own their own behavior.
Essential Mastery, TWITTER:
Being called sensitive for reacting to disrespect is manipulation.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You can hate what happened to you without hating who you were when it happened.
You can grow in your knowledge & skills without shaming how much you didn't know before.
Shaming & abandoning our past self will keep us from realistically moving forward.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Boundaries are a part of all healthy relationships. We teach people how to treat us by making our limits clear.
Essential Mastery, TWITTER:
You can feel when someone isn't being real with you. Energy never lies.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Love cannot exist where abuse exists. Unlearn that.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
People will quit on you. You got to get up everyday make sure you never quit on yourself.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Being nice does not mean you don’t get to have boundaries .
Josh…, TWITTER:
The moment you put a stop to people taking advantage of you and disrespecting you, is when they define you as difficult, selfish or crazy. Manipulators hate boundaries.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Your inner child wants to know it’s safe for you to be exactly who you are, not the idea of who you should be— created by other people.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
for your own sanity, let things be.
Overmind, TWITTER:
Being kind is attractive.
introvert, TWITTER:
trust the vibes you get from ppl. energy never lies.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
There are times when it hits. Long-term coercive control is a stolen life.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Asking for things in relationships can be ENORMOUSLY triggering for trauma survivors. We often feel like we're asking for something we don't deserve-- or setting ourselves up to be disappointed & abandoned.
Easy. Believing we might DESERVE mutuality in relationships takes time.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
avoiding people who repeatedly trigger your mental health and lower your vibe is top tier self-care.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Normalize trusting your intuition. When your body tells you something is off about a person or place – trust it right away and remove yourself.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The disease model of depression stopped making sense to me as a psychologist when I worked with so many clients who lived in poverty, who could barely make ends meet, and who had no time for creativity or purpose. Depression is a response.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Distance yourself from 'anyone' who labels you crazy everytime you try to set a boundary or challenge how you're treated. These are normal and healthy conversations to have, so "everyone is valued".. If you're labeled, it's about control... Tells you everything you need to know.
Proud Triumphant 💊, TWITTER:
Don't let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Confidence comes from learning how to regulate our emotions. From learning to witness emotions come and go, rather than letting those emotions dictate your reactions.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Empaths would rather spend time with a "rough around the edges sinner" than a well polished hypocrite.
The more you shine, the more shadow you cast. It just goes hand-in-hand.
DaniloWorkouts, YT
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Replace the toxic people in your life with people who have only your best interests at heart.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
I’m not reconciling a relationship with a person that hurt me on purpose!
Josh…, TWITTER:
Respect is one of the greatest expressions of love.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Being a better friend, a better parent, a better professional, a better person-- it DOESN'T start w/ shaming & pressuring ourselves.
I know. You want to add value. Me too.
But-- we gotta start from self-compassion if we want ANY real changes we make in ourselves to stick.
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
Stop expecting YOU from people.
Sigmund Freud | Philsopher & Neurologist ✍️, TWITTER:
In the small matters trust the mind, in the large ones the heart.
Essential Mastery, TWITTER:
Notice how people change when they don't get what they want from you.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.
Narcissistic Support, TWITTER:
A narcissistic person is someone who wants to be the fairest-of-them-all. Just like Witch in Snow White. Any success or happiness you have will be undermined by the Witch. Perhaps you fluked it, you didn’t work for it, you’re “showing off” - it will be anything to discredit you
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
Smart people let go of what holds them down and open doors for themselves.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The path to self actualization is paved with uncomfortable truths.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Meaning and purpose are core human needs. Addiction and other self destructing coping mechanisms are often rooted in a complete lack of meaning in life and internal pain that’s gone unresolved. Escapism becomes the focus.
Essential Mastery, TWITTER:
The pain will disappear, once it has finished teaching you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Blog: "NOBODY planned or wanted abuse, neglect, or trauma to dramatically affect their beliefs, thinking, emotions, & behavior.
EVERYBODY in trauma recovery is in a process of discovering & understanding what the hell's going on. Making it make sense."
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Why wouldn't someone or others around you not want you to have self esteem and confidence? That's the question?
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You are under no obligation to respect anyone who feels entitled to strip you of your rights.
Proud Triumphant 💊, TWITTER:
Be extremely mindful of the company you keep.
DiorrZk, TWITTER:
I take things personally cause I never would’ve done that to you
Josh…, TWITTER:
I'm proud of myself for not being fake. I can be difficult sometimes and have a couple or few screws loose but I'm 100% me.
Andrew Campbell, TWITTER:
Being a victim of abuse isn’t a sign of “weakness”, perpetrating the abuse is.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
PTSD is REALLY good at convincing us that there is absolutely NO ONE who could POSSIBLY understand what we're going through, & that we're responding to what we went through COMPLETELY differently (& worse) than ANYONE ever.
Thing is: PTSD lies. Especially about you, to you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Stay away from people who think you're arguing everytime you try to express yourself as to engage in a healthy conversation about issues that concern you .
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Childhood trauma reveals itself in thought patterns and in the way we react within relationships.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
normalize not forcing people to choose you. If someone thinks they can get better elsewhere – let them. Respectfully.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
If you're always focused on what other people think of you, notice every shift in a person's mood, and are easily overwhelmed in relationships, you might be hypervigilant.
Here's how to calm yourself, and bring yourself back into your body.
Many people have experienced C-PTSD, a series of complex trauma growing up which has causes them to have an over-active amgydala.
Childhood trauma is associated with reductions in amygdala volume. Brain scans show structural changes in the brain.
Trauma refers to any event that overwhelms our capacity to cope, leaves us helpless to escape or say no, and leaves us in isolation (alone) to deal with the consequences of these events.
Note: trauma cannot be defined because it's a subjective experience.
For example: A child who experiences parental neglect (CEN), but has another parent to support them and help them make sense of the experience, will be impacted differently than a child who has no support.
Chronic childhood traumatic experiences disrupt our pre-frontal cortex development.
Our pre-frontal cortex plays a key role in how we react when we are stressed, and the behaviors we exhibit when anxious.
It's the center of our brain's emotional regulation.
If you think about people close to you, you'll notice that some of people deal very well under stress or pressure, and others are easily rattled or unable to cope.
This has to do with their capacity to self regulate through stress. Something that is learned through modeling in childhood.
C-PTSD creates a situation where we struggle to regulate our emotions, and our brain goes into hypervigilant state.
Hypervigilance looks like:
- fight or flight
- hypervigilance: noticing every shift in mood
- racing thoughts
- fear or panic in the body
- racing heart, sweaty palm
- worry of what people think
- fear of crowds or social situations
When we're in a hypervigilant state, we are within a survival adaptation. Our mind and body is trying to protect us from danger on a constant basis.
This can feel extremely exhausting, draining, and frustrating.
How to cope with hypervigilance:
1. Remove or limit engagement in toxic relationships: hypervigilance begins from early exposure to unsafe relationships. Being around unsafe people can trigger hypervigilant responses. Place clear boundaries.
2. Prioritize sleep: our nervous system needs sleep hygiene to properly function. You might notice you're more hypervigilant and on edge when you don't get sleep. Lack of sleep feels like danger in the body.
3. Talk about it: many people suffer from hypervigilance in silence. Tell your close friends and partner about your past and how you experience hypervigilance. This will help them support you. And better understand your behaviors.
4. Know your triggers: hypervigilance is triggered by the external environment. Your triggers might be: loud sounds, yelling, chaotic environments, or being around people you don't know well. By knowing your triggers, you'll know when to self soothe.
5. Practice self soothing: after knowing your triggers, you'll know when it's time to self soothe.
Self soothing can look like: taking deep breaths, getting into quiet, working out, saying affirmations, reminding yourself you're safe.
Ex: social situations can feel very stressful. You feel triggered and tell your friends you're taking a quick break. You go outside and take some deep breaths and and a brisk walk feeling more regulated before you go back inside.
6. Use the body to leave the brain: a hallmark sign of hypervigilance is intense racing thoughts and overthinking. This is our brain working overtime to stay safe. By moving the body, we can shift our nervous system state and become more regulated.
Nicolas Gurvits, TWITTER:
The biggest shift in healing is realizing that survival mode isn't how life is meant to be lived.
Hypervigilence is a survival adaptation, made by a cognizant brain, intended to protect you.
Be aware of your triggers, but don't let fear guide you. Disarm them with mindfulness.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You bet: the urge to run away from it all is gonna be STRONG.
That DOESN'T mean you're a coward. It means you have a functioning, survival-oriented nervous system.
If you're reading this, you've probably fought & survived more private battles than most people will EVER know.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Your trauma might whisper in your ear that you're "fake."
Your dissociation might convince you you're not real.
Your depression might hiss that, real or not, you're not worthy.
Remember: these are SYMPTOMS. They are not reflections of reality-- or you.
Wealth Inc, TWITTER:
Psychology says, it's ok to live a life others do not understand.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Narcissism comes from a lack of emotional development in childhood. If you look at narcissistic behaviors, they’re ego centric and emotionally immature— they mirror the developmental period from age 3-7. Many people don’t mature beyond this.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Avoid people who mess with your head. People who say things to upset you. People who don't apologize. You don't need these kind of people in your life. Let them go.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
If you're disappointed with a relationship or feel like you're not getting out of it what you want, ask yourself: have I clearly communicated my expectations? We can't expect people to read our minds, or to just know what we want. We must speak it.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissists call their victims crazy to avoid accountability.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
If kindness comes with an expectation of behavior, it’s manipulation.
What would your happiness be if you had not those for whom you shine?
Friedrich Nietzsche. Thus Spoke Zarathustra
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
A common response to childhood wounding is a sense of entitlement. Entitlement comes from a space of pain where we're ego-centric and believe other people should always meet our needs. It's a child-like view of the world that we can all mature from.
You're being raised in a home that's going to make you hyper vigilant. You'll notice what everyone else is thinking or feeling. You're going to be super sensitive to changes in people's moods or facial expressions, and you'll startle easily. - Where I am getting this from? - Well your father has a bad temper and he erupts out of nowhere. Sometimes when you're just playing or relaxing in your room, he just starts screaming at you. We (mother and father) fight a lot and don't really ask about how it's impacting you. Or we don't talk to you about the fights at all or why they happen. So your nervous system is developing on high alert and your amygdala, the part of your brain that senses threats and danger is overactive. Difficulty of relaxing or just playing. And when you're older you'll have the same difficulty in social situations. Often labeled as social anxiety disorder, this can actually be a symptom of C-PTSD. You'll feel awkward and worried you're saying or doing something wrong. Basically your internal threat system is off because you're being raised in an unsafe environment.
Dr. Nicole LePera
@Theholisticpsyc, TWITTER
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Let them judge you. Let them misunderstand you. Let them gossip about you. Their opinions aren’t your problems. You stay kind, committed to love and free in your authenticity. No matter what they do or say, don’t you doubt your worth or the beauty of your truth. Just keep shining
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Spoiler: it's kinda tough learning to BE a grownup from people who aren't emotional grown ups themselves.
If our models for how to handle emotion were people who constantly over or underreacted to their own emotions, OF COURSE we're not gonna be great at emotional regulation.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Never let anyone devalue you. Your worth is a fixed point that can't be adjusted. You matter.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
The narcissist cannot understand you, they are living in their own fantasy movie.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Emotional resilience is just the ability to sit in discomfort.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
You deserve to be surrounded by people who bring out your soft side – not your survival side.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It wasn't your fault if you grew up in an emotionally unsafe home. Kids CAN'T create emotional stability in the absence of safe grownups doing safe grown-up things.
You NEEDED boundaries & acceptance as a kid-- NOT to be responsible for creating them.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
Be selective about who you give your time and energy to.
(1.1.2023)
Social anxiety has many levels and many aspects. Usually internet gurus and self help and CBT will instruct socially anxious to build up social skills as resolution for all social problems. In reality someone may have social skill and still struggle with anxiety. That is why diagnosis is not helping, it adds up to stigma and over-generalization. We can observe issues with anxiety like a disco ball where certain problems are accumulated speck of mirror on top of another one so it looks like a model of round skyscraper outline.
This means that any advice by someone about social anxiety tips and tricks is useless. Areas where we are not deficient - if we label these as over-generalization that everything is wrong will ruin the existing state and make us seek solutions for something that is not broken at all. If CBT instructs us that our social skills are lacking, disastrous and faulty - we might carry social stigma and end up with self fulfilling prophecies - whereas in reality we might have superior social skills in form of empathy and ability to put ourselves in other people's shoes. We are all different, people are not cookie cutter produced as clones in a factory.
The Grand Paradox.
This grand paradox is how anything evil, bad in life leads to a lesson, we grow and learn and we are more wise - yet being evil and stuck in negativity makes us stuck in rancour, self sabotage and self destruction.
In social anxiety this leads to discovery how our desire to be good, nice, to avoid being evil leads to intolerance of daily mistakes, errors. And through abuse we are programmed to seek danger in everything at the cost of hiding away from life as side-effect of being aware of danger. We end up being programmed to label anything negative as swan event, catastrophe - since this way we are focused and hyper-vigilant - in life this ability to perform leads to recognition, less anger and attack, punishment from others - so OCD is reinforced by society. Fears and panic are reinforced by society, not directly. Instead society mocks OCD, fears and panic. And in the same time society profits when someone is careful, nice to them, without mistakes and errors, when nobody annoys them. With social anxiety we end up with inner critic as we learned to think during exposure to narcissistic abuse. Without being aware of it: we end up seeing negative and threat and danger and negative outcome in anything - and this leads to immobility, not taking a risk, not taking initiative. Abusers enforce this through punishment and mocking and general abuse - bullying and mobbing. Abusers will nitpick and criticize our mistakes - and we will end up trying to be hyper-vigilant so that we do not annoy aggressive person. And this will be reinforced by their being calm when they choose, it will seem as if our avoidance of mistakes is creating peace. Yet if we rebel and start to make mistakes - we will be labeled (or better term projected) as abuser, weird, crazy. I was labeled as arrogant on social anxiety reddit forum when I talked about general ideas about social anxiety - without even imposing anything onto anyone in particular. With previous invalidation we believe anyone who is angry, moody, aggressive, violent - in order to avoid punishment.
The obvious solution is to make mistakes and face punishment. But I would like to focus here on the mechanism of hypnosis that we are under. Our conditioned beliefs through punishment and constant criticism when our psyche was forming. These beliefs make mistakes into catastrophes. We end up experiencing some mistake, problem, issue - and our brain picks up catastrophes and the worst case scenario - as narcissists implanted this way of thinking process like a virus into our minds. Narcissists simply label anything as error and mock it, make a grand trial and showcase - and their loudness makes atmosphere where they are correct. While in reality anything due to Grand Paradox can be labeled as wrong and correct in the same time. Narcissists simply use tyranny to have it their way. To control and manipulate someone - all they need is guilt tripping and shaming. That kind of invalidation is what we end up feeling and CBT explains it as social anxiety and hence hallucination according to the main default therapy for social anxiety. While in reality it is Complex Trauma, social anxiety trauma.
Toxic people, narcissist who are parents are misinterpreting the Grand Paradox by belief that if child and in fact all people in general are scorned, abused, not shown affection, not validated - that their targets will somehow toughen up magically by being in abusive situation. In reality blockages will happen - and immobility, passivity - which makes narcissist in dominant position with all resources available so it is winning strategy that appears as such for narcissist.
Instead of becoming strong as narcissist believe - we become addicted to spotting threats and living in anxiety and hypervigilance - which may be observed, seen and labeled at the surface as being resilient.
Instead of becoming perfect and functional - through invalidation by narcissists - we become scared of punishment and pushover which at the surface observation may appear as being perfect (due to spending resources, focus, money on spotting mistakes and avoiding them), and this appears as being hard working.
Grand paradox is when we are out of fortune, without money - thinking that this is a bad - while in reality - with fawning and being pushover mindset if we had money - we would attract dangerous predators such as narcissists and psychopaths who would wear mask, use narc tools such as hoovering and mirroring and love bomb and honeymoon phases - where we would not be aware that they are attracted only to our money.
It is clear that some basic rules are becoming visible here. That validation is important, self validation foremost. And education and having all facts and information is important. Being honest and authentic where all sides are taken into consideration even doubt. And when we are lied to, our own self worth and our own instinct is the only GPS which tell us where to go and which door must be closed. The social anxiety symptoms play the important role here - because if we label our fears, panic and discomfort around certain people as hallucination and cognitive disorder, we will stay open to abusive predators and criminally insane parasites.
When we care and respect for others which is love - we have healthy life, healthy ambient and healthy people around us, we are happy and good things overfly over bad ones. Toxic people want this through cheating - manipulation, control and by doing nothing to invest in relationship, contact, no care, no empathy - and the only way to do this is through violence, cover abuse also.
The point of healing trauma and regulation is that we no longer react to triggers. In social situations we are walking on egg-shelves, and we are highly sensitive to someone not being cooperative. When we want something, when we need something and we ask someone to do something - if they refuse for whatever reason, it feels like personal attack and there are automatic thoughts about this person being toxic, rude, negative - while in reality, we might simply talk it over, perhaps even persuade them to change their mind, especially if the topic is something not critical. With social anxiety we were exposed to hysterical people who were extremely rude to us in our hour of need, when we needed to complete certain task and then we depended on such people to help us - and in return we received temper tantrums, threats, yelling, screaming, drama and verbal attack and other kinds of violence. Repeatedly. Then we started to generalize all negative messages from others as catastrophe where our words can't do anything, that we are to blame, that we are wrong and that all people are too important, too lazy to help us, too cool to help us - while our needs are not important, not significant at all.
Without social anxiety we would charm the issues out, without drama, without silent treatment or other defenses, we would not feel knot in our body and mind, there would be no panic nor hysteria.
The important thing with social anxiety is to recognize that in social situations we will go through physical and mental hysteria - which stems from past abuse. That this hysteria will display itself as unknown set of symptoms every single time - it will not feel the same, since the panic continues upon the current thinking and environment process that is ongoing and happening at the given moment. Due to panic, other people will appear and seem superior and scary - and we won't notice this at all. It will appear as if this is normal state of being - that we are inept and inferior, stupid and abnormal, unworthy and wrong to the core, while other people are superior, normal, someone to look up to, someone to obey and listen without any right from our side to object, ask for, demand, rebel against.
Fawning is critical since it is trauma response. Fight response will also start to be problem once we become aware of trauma and abuse, and it is also dysfunctional. Fight response would be acceptable if we are physically attacked. Fawning would be acceptable if our survival is jeopardized also and there is no other way to survive imminent destruction but to smile and go along with psychopath's demands without making them more agitated.
That part CBT is explaining as hallucination. The panic and fear is not hallucination, people who trigger us are really traumatic and hysterical - there is no hallucination there. The only hallucination is deep core toxic shame internalized inside us which is giving us message of catastrophe, doom, of deep shame of being in such situation, that other people judge us and laugh, mock and attack us for being weak, unworthy, inept, stupid. Toxic shame is internalized due to exposure to untreated mentally ill people around us who gave us conditioning, relentless criticism when our psyche was forming and suppose to grow into adult psyche which would not internalize someone's opinions as reality.
Without social anxiety - if we never had toxic shame nor conditioning, we would not notice someone hysteria as personal defect. Exposure to someone aggressive would be unpleasant, but it would not be automatically connected with self blame, self shame and it would not feel like the end of the world and it would not set off physical symptoms of dysregulation and panic, it would not feel like this always happens to me, this will last for all eternity, and I have nowhere to run. Without all these blockages the brain would be free to consider other options, to innovate, to make decisions, to leave depending on the context and environment, it would not get stuck into seeking resolution nor there would be no codependency, trying to calm down other people nor solve their issues - in exchange for them not to hurt us.
Trauma by definition means not being able to process situation or event nor people. Instead of process, there is endless loop of trial to process it by intrusive thoughts, rumination, worry. When we are afraid, when this is constant state - we are naturally immobile. Without taking action in life, we are not making our life safe, strong, there is no immunity. With toxic shame we don't know what we want in life- and then other people make decisions for us. Abusive people, narcissists, psychopaths know this. They know that action means better chance to get anything in life, so they abuse other people - since many people will step down, shut up and run away - and then abusive person only needs to be out there - and opportunities will knock - eventually. All they need to do is be out there - while targets of abuse are in the hiding - leaving resources to the abusive toxic people who cleaned up their environment, their nest to be only for them and no one else.
There is no correct way how to handle life, problems and issues. With trauma we try to resolve and handle and manage life - but we get and stay stuck in worry cycle, immobile and without taking action - since we are afraid of criticism, and real criticism sets us up into triggers, flashbacks, defense mechanisms, worry, immobility, shame and guilt.
As I see exposure in CBT is trying to get this goal - of taking action. But without resolved trauma, any action is harmful and leads to more abuse and pain. Whenever I talk about wrong sides of exposure and going outside of comfort zone - people get the wrong impression that I am talking about not exposing and not going outside of anything. While in fact - I am talking the opposite - I am talking about total exposure, all the time, 24/7, so that toxic people and abusive people are starved and that they stop stealing resources which do not belong to them.
From social anxiety perspective - we have trauma and we stay stuck in processing negative events and toxic people. We do not know how to react, what to say, how to manage difficult situations, difficult events and difficult people. From socially anxious perspective it appears as if there is one hidden secret path how to react and what to say exactly. In reality, apart that it depends on context, our decisions what to say and how to react stem from our own needs and wants. With toxic shame we do not have our needs, we have no idea what we want. With trauma the only goal is to run away and cut contact, to hide and to be passive and immobile. From socially anxious perspective it appears as the only problem is particular social situation - as if everything else is fine and does not require awareness, modification, nor insight. But it does - it is not only one particular social setting that is sole problem. Due to toxic shame and trauma - the problem is multiple and without self worth we don't know what we want in life all the time. It appears as if our personality is introvert and that is what I need. In reality, with social anxiety trauma, our personality is collection of defense mechanisms. This part is difficult to explain and distinguish. Our core persona is normal and there is nothing abnormal, sick or as CBT defines it - cognitive distortion. Past trauma being unresolved make us identify with other people who display temper tantrums. This happens due to toxic shame. The way how to remove conditioning and hypnosis is the path to our persona which never was evolved due to trauma.
Removing conditioning and hypnosis is equal to healing the trauma. What I learned up until now - is that emotional regulation is part of the healing - since it allows us to stop being triggered and controlled by chemicals released in our body when something bad happens. CBT labels this as being calm - however regulation takes context into consideration - and regulation as well may mean not being calm at all - if someone is aggressive. CBT forces meditation - while in reality, sometimes it is best to avoid and run away - again, it depends on the context and common sense.
Healing trauma means not allowing that hysterical people become our god whom we must listen and obey - where depending on the context we allow to rebel. Statistically speaking - it is most often that instead of drama, fawning, running away - that most of issues could be resolved by joke, charm, smile and negotiation - and that is what CBT is explaining, CBT is over-generalizing statistics as if we can joke our problems away. Sometimes losing our cool is needed, sometimes being angry is required, it depends on the context and environment. Sometimes fawning is needed - when there is weak person on the other side: child, disabled, old, someone who is friendly, non violent, when we want to learn more, when we know that all people carry pain which they mask as superiority complex and pretending to be strong by attacking us.
Fears and panic as dysregulation - are not the only problem. Our persona is also important - what we want from life, that we know this all the time - so that other people never control us and make decisions for us - especially when other people are not our friends, they are not someone we can trust.
Due to trauma bonding we will merge with hysterical person, their demands, their views, their definitions and we won't challenge them, we won't deny them, we won't make anything to rock the boat or make them angry. That needs to change. That is defense mechanism and it appears as our persona, that we are nice, good, friendly and open to everyone, even with toxic empathy. When we are inside social anxiety trauma panic symptoms - we are not aware that we are fusing our emotions with our character. That needs to change. Trauma occupies our mind, we try to resolve someone's anger, we try not to embarrass ourselves - that is primary focus - and we have no resources into knowing what we want, what are our needs, that our self worth is not defined by someone being rude to us, nor we have any resources nor focus to think through the prism of not being afraid and panicked.
So healing trauma means - being innovative, expressing ourselves, coming up with new ideas, going in the direction of our own common sense and values, not shutting up. CBT labels this as confidence and being strong. This is again wrong definition. Confidence comes naturally, when we are not preoccupied about our mistakes, flaws, negative events. Confidence means both being secure and strong but it also means having shaking voice and still talking, having trembling hands and still working, having anger and still not hating anyone, not being social and still being social. Confidence defined by CBT is distorted and it gives toxic shame - since we are instructed by CBT that confidence without social anxiety means not having physical symptoms, knowing what to say, people adoring us and everyone being happy and us not making any type of mistake - which is all unrealistic and fantasy.
Confidence I am talking about here is having all plethora of socially anxious symptoms and not being affected by them, that they do not make decisions for us - where decisions come from our superEgo, common sense, intrinsic locus of control. With CBT we will be forced to over-compensate. With my explanation of confidence - we have no reason to over-compensate, since there is no one to impress, other people are not seen as resource or supply that they must approve us, admire us, their likes or dislikes are not important. They are observed, seen and taken into consideration - but they do not form our needs, wants, desires at the given moment. This means not endorsing conformity and this means other people will complain and we will rock the boat. That is why healing trauma is important - where we won't get dis-regulated when disapproval happens.
With social anxiety trauma, when some person is rejecting our demands, requests - when we are initially afraid of negative response - and when it happens - it feels like catastrophe and there is rancour, deep seated, accumulated anger and despair and unfairness. So with such mental state it is impossible to use charm, joke, innovation, new idea or being focused away from trauma responses.
It is amazing how Christmas, Holidays, any kind of celebration is triggering for abuse - that is how it gets unnoticed. I never noticed it before until I read about it, until I got informed and educated about narcissistic abuse. And that is how bullies, abusers, predators get away with their crime, they find ways that their crimes pass unpunished and they got skilled at making the abuse covert. We won't notice it at all - we will only notice social anxiety symptoms - seek answers for these panic fear emotions - and CBT will explain it is our fault, our hallucination and that we are deeply faulty to the core since our cognitive distortions are rooted in our thinking process. This explanation is hallucination itself, it is hypnosis, it is part of narcissistic abuse since it enables the abuse to pass unnoticed.
Shahida Arabi, MA, TWITTER:
Ironically, narcissists love to call you selfish when you stop excessively catering to their demands and needs and finally begin thinking about yourself. "You're so selfish - how dare you not think about anything but me and put me first?"
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
The real flex is raising your emotional intelligence so toxic people can't play mind games with you, remembering exactly what happened so narcissists can't gaslight you, and saying no without explaining yourself so manipulators can't change your "no" to "maybe" or "yes".
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You don't have to accept things that you're not okay with.
introvert, TWITTER:
i don’t have the energy to pretend
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
No one causes their trauma or brings it on. And all of us are responsible for healing it. Break the cycle.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You're not "crazy" for having a reaction to growing up in chaos. It'd actually be "crazy" to NOT have a reaction to growing up in an intense, unpredictable environment.
Your nervous system HAD to accept to that sh*t-- & now it's going to adapt to recovery.
Easy does it.
Andrew Campbell, TWITTER:
Abusers need to know that the courts care/understand the lifelong effects of psychological abuse, many perps likely feel they can emotionally/psychologically abuse without fear of repercussion.
Super Thinking, TWITTER:
Loneliness is the price you pay when you start to improve yourself.
introvert, TWITTER:
friends who understand ur sociable & unsociable moods are a blessing
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
you weren't abused because you lacked boundaries,
you lacked boundaries because you were abused
it's not codependency, it's a trauma response
this is what the narcissistic abuse recovery coaches get wrong in my opinion and it borders on victim-blaming.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Lying about me doesn't change the truth about you.
Andrew Campbell, TWITTER:
People who claim to not see emotional abuse as a “big deal” probably either haven’t experienced it or are the ones perpetrating it.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Beware of anyone who claims what they're selling is the "only" path to recovery.
Overmind, TWITTER:
Haters don't really hate you.
They hate themselves, because you're a reflection of what they wish to be.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissistic personalities invalidate their victims legitimate anger so they can't be held responsible for their bad behaviors.. When victims attempt to call them out, they use stonewalling and invalidation to escape accountability.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
When your intentions are pure, you don't lose anyone.
People lose you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Psychological invalidation is one of the most lethal forms of emotional abuse. It kills confidence, creativity, sense of self, self esteem and Individuality. It also helps the perpetrator escape accountability for how they have treated you. "Validation holds them accountable."
Gaslighting is a form of invalidation... Yes, it causes anger, frustration and reduces quality of life for the victims.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
I didn’t start getting realistically better until I accepted that NO relationship— not w/ a therapist, not w/ a lover, not w/ a guru, not w/ a church— will save me from myself on a dark night.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
someone being patient with you is one of the softest forms of love
Harry Petsanis, TWITTER:
You are under no obligation to take crap from anyone.
-Harry Petsanis
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
You don’t have to be perfect to be a good person.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Sometimes you get slammed with an emotional flashback, and you feel young. Scared. Floaty. Unreal.
You're not going crazy; it's a trauma thing. Breathe; blink; focus...&, in your head, talk yourself back to the present moment.
No one needs to know. Take your time. You're OK.
David Sammon, TWITTER:
You have no idea how much pain and anger it took for me to become this calm.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
i no longer see the good in people,
i see the truth.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Empaths and HSP's are very good at picking up deception and bad vibes...
New Cures781, YT:
Self-censoring plus losing your own train of thought. Like having an abusive teacher looking over the shoulder of your own mind, making you nervous, so that you lose your initial thrust by trying to cover every ridiculous angle of possible objection as you’re trying to speak.
Crys Original Artwork, YT:
This is my message for those who are reading this comment
When you enter this new year, remind
yourself that you have learned enough about human behaviour in
real life and how they act on social media.
No matter how good they look when it comes to their external aesthetic image, if someone fails to
show you true human traits through their language and behaviour,
you have nothing more to do with
them because if you fall for the trap,
it could cost you your life .
Demons work with people who know their language
Those who are genuinely attracted to you show love by spending time and good feelings just for the
sake of creating a harmonious circle between the two hearts.
introvert, TWITTER:
gotta remind myself i’ve done enough for others, it’s my turn now.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Workplace Bullies are not interested in working things out or compromise. They are only interested in power, dominance and control over the targets.
David Sammon, TWITTER:
You will be invited to arguments,
it doesn’t mean you have to attend.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
People need to learn that their actions affect other people. So be careful what you say and do.. It’s not always just about you.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
True connection with a partner comes from sharing our fears and insecurities. We tend to hide these things or put up amor— and they’re what actually builds emotional intimacy.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Stop explaining yourself when you say "No" to another adult, only children need an explanation.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
People will talk about you no matter what you do. So you may as well enjoy yourself and do as you please.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
If you were expected to behave like a grown up before you were a grown up, you might secretly feel like a kid on the inside-- even though now you actually ARE a grown up.
Easy does it. Part of trauma recovery is about taking care of the kid inside who never GOT to be a kid.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Be grateful when people block you, they are letting you know that they are not a healthy energy for you.
Ezzajo, TWITTER:
lack of validation I think was a big thing so maybe emotional neglect, looked up emotional enmeshment which it would seem I now myself am guilty of with my daughter. How do we stop this cycle and heal.
So much stuff we do we aren't even aware of so how do we counter it.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
There's not a thing wrong w/ finding pleasure in meeting others' needs. One of the reasons I do what I do is because I LIKE helping others feel happy & fulfilled.
Thing is: neither you nor I are "failures" if we fall short sometimes. We're HUMANS, trying our best.
Ease up.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The war on drugs was a misunderstanding of trauma.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
you don’t have to make yourself suffer just to learn the lesson.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Is manipulation a form of disrespect?
Manipulation is disrespectful and sabotages communication in all relationships. Manipulation is sometimes hard to detect. Many people with trusting hearts believe that people have good intentions and they take their
Essential Mastery, TWITTER:
The pain will disappear, once it has finished teaching you.
jo, TWITTER:
“An abuser’s emotions… can fill up the whole house. When he feels bad he thinks that life should stop for everyone in the family until someone fixes his discomfort. His partner’s life crises, children’s sicknesses, meals, birthdays- nothing else matters as much as his feelings.”
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
A narcissist hates to lose. Losing is a narcissistic injury to a narcissist. If you call the narcissist out for being a loser, you have severely wounded them. The narcissist never takes losing lightly.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
Perpetrators of coercive control are driven by a pathological need to exert power over & control of the targeted victim to the point of complete domination & subjugation.
Coercive control is a human rights violation, it is psychological torture, it is a liberty crime.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
There is nothing you have done that explains why you were abused. The responsibility for all abuse belongs to the abuser.
Period. End of Story.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The first rule of mental health:
Learn to distinguish who deserves an explanation, who deserves only one answer, and who deserves absolutely no answer.
Learn how to effectively deal with workplace bullying..
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We don't choose what our brain is conditioned to pay attention to. Our experiences chose that.
We CAN get better at recognizing our reactions, understanding them, & choosing what to do NEXT-- BUT it takes time, persistence, & self-compassion (ugh, I KNOW).
Easy does it.
Ryan 🖖 ♻️ 🌊, TWITTER:
Abusive #narcissist parents will NEVER accept they're the problem when their child starts showing obvious signs of abuse.
Instead, they compound the abuse by sending the child to a Dr. to "find out what's wrong to with the kid", when it's the parents that are disordered.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
To anyone suffering in silence. Hang in there. You're going to be okay.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Stay away from people who use sarcasm and subtle digs and then pretend they are joking. Toxic individuals intend to wound you. Plan your exit...
Frames from Life, TWITTER:
"Where there is no respect, love begins to disappear."
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Normalize loving some people from a distance. Normalize saying no without explaining yourself. Normalize forgiving some people without reconnecting with them. Normalize removing yourself from anything that irritates your soul, triggers your mental health, and lowers your vibe.
Narcissist Facts 101, TWITTER:
Never take any criticism or rude comments from a narcissist seriously. They’re vindictive and hypocritical by nature and have nothing constructive to offer. Their only goals in any interaction are to manipulate to get their way and/or abuse others to feel better about themselves.
Josh…, TWITTER:
If people don't make an effort to be in your life, don't try to be in theirs. it's not worth it.
Josh…, TWITTER:
You see the true colours of people when they don't get what they wanted from you.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
There's a stage in our healing when we start to see our parents as wounded humans who make mistakes, rather than all knowing beings. This is the beginning of creating life on our own terms, rather than living our lives for parental approval. It's our freedom.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
I WISH the solution to trauma disorders was just "that's in the past, you're safe now"-- but the world ISN'T always safe for everyone all the time, & NOT all threats are in the past.
Part of what makes recovery hard is, we have to reject black & white thinking about "safety."
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
You’re getting fat, he said. As he walked away, he muttered, you might want to do something about that.
It was just another hit and run; a drive by shooting. He wasn’t incorrect; my cortisol levels had to have been through the roof for two years, at least, due to his abuse.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
You cannot appeal to the conscience of those who lack one; however, they will appeal to yours.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
A narcissist’s ego is often fed by the downfall of others.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
be gentle with yourself.
"Many people die at 25, and aren't buried until they are 75."
- Benjamin Franklin
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Changing how we feel & respond to the world means changing our beliefs about ourselves & the world-- & that realistically takes time. Our beliefs don't come outta nowhere. They're not gonna change on a dime.
But-- they CAN change.
Beliefs change every day, all over the world.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Your true friends will consistently see you as the same person.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
A narcissist will give a backhanded compliment and expect you to feel appreciative.
Melanated Therapist, LCSW, TWITTER:
It sucks how many talented people are not good people like why can’t you be both
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
Many narcissists hate when you don’t join in with their competition. It doesn’t even matter though. They think you’re a loser anyway.
Overmind, TWITTER:
People come and go. Accept the situation and move on.
introverts memes, TWITTER:
Normalize unfriending, blocking and muting people to protect your peace of mind.
Melanated Therapist, LCSW, TWITTER:
This man be at work in the hospital under a microscope and still take all my calls. So it’s true. A man who wants to… will.
Overmind, TWITTER:
One of the greatest skills you can learn is how to be alone.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
the right people hear you differently.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
life is so peaceful when you stop caring about things that don’t concern you.
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
Avoid people who lower your vibe.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
Wait until you see why God made you wait.
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
Protect your mental health. Avoid toxic people.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
A narcissist will call you crazy for assuming things that are actually true.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
There is no rule book on how to treat you. YOU have to create it.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
It's Ok to DISOBEY!
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
LOTS of people reading this were raised & conditioned to think that EVERYTHING is their fault, & EVERYONE is their responsibility-- including the moods & reactions of others, especially the Big Powerful People in their world.
Remember: that's just BS (a Belief System).
Thomas Edison | American Inventor & Businessman, TWITTER:
We often miss opportunity because it's dressed in overalls and looks like work.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
be non-compliant. be disobedient.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
The way you carry yourself will often determine how you are treated.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Trauma makes you feel like you have to be available for someone who is emotionally unavailable so you can feel worthy and they won't abandon you. Healing makes you realize your self-worth comes from within, not from others, and reciprocity is the key to healthy relationships.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You may have gotten in the habit of pretending you're more confident than you feel; pretending you're less hurt than you are; pretending it's not a big deal when it is.
SO many of us are walking, talking advertisements for what we WANT other people to believe about us.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissists hate people they can't control.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Avoid those who throw around false accusations and turn into the victim every time you have a difference of opinion.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Letting go of fear means letting go of the perceived control.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
Narcissists can be needy people. They want others to think about them all the time. Some narcissists just don’t get that people are not thinking about them like that. People have their own lives to think about, but a narcissist will claim this as selfishness.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Lots of us who have been conditioned to show a "brave face" don't register it as a "choice"-- it was just what was EXPECTED...& NOT having a "brave face," actually ACKNOWLEDGING that emotions or pain were being experienced, was often PUNISHED.
It's not as simple as "quit that."
Art Of Philosophy, TWITTER:
Be you. They'll adjust.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Three things you should never feel guilty for:
1. Changing for the better.
2. Knowing your worth.
3. Staying true to your self.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
People with consummate acting skills can better navigate our complex social environments and get ahead.
Minic | Mindset Mastery, TWITTER:
Actors know how to detach from their emotions to play the part.
In social life, if you can't set aside your emotions, you won't make it very far.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
I DON'T think of trauma as a "disorder" that needs to be "fixed."
I think acknowledging what happened to us & how it impacted us is realistically ONE part of putting together a life plan that gets us closer to what we wanna experience & feel in our finite lifespans.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
When dancing it takes two to tango. When victimized by domestic abuse, the perpetrator bears sole responsibility, 100%. The tactics of abuse keep you hooked, entrapped, and traumatized. It is not your fault.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Do something today that you used to love doing as a kid. Try to reconnect with your impulse voices.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Having boundaries will likely not protect you from an abuser, as they have no regard for rules or consequences. However, knowing the signs of different kinds of abuse can possibly save you from giving one a chance.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trusting ourselves DOESN'T mean automatically assuming EVERYTHING we perceive, think, feel, or believe is literally correct.
It's starting out from the assumption that EVERYTHING we experience has SOMETHING meaningful or truthful to tell us-- & it's important to listen to it.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Relationships won’t rescue you or save you from life as you know it: they’ll reveal who you actually are. Pay attention.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You should be able to stand up. It's emotionally responsible thing to do. Especially in cases where lives could be endanger..
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Keeping your personal life private and not telling everyone your side of the story when you're being portrayed as the villain in someone else's story is top tier self-care.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Covert bullying
1. Unfair task allocation
Placing unreasonable performance demands on the target
2. Withholding of information needed to execute tasks
3. Group manipulation
Indirectly encouraging other employees to isolate the target or to contribute
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The romanticized version of love has us believe our partners role in life is to make us happy to meet all of our needs. This illusion keeps us going from relationship to relationship until we understand love is a spiritual journey of mutual evolution.
jo, TWITTER:
Abusers abuse you because they are abusive. Because they want to. Because it’s about power and control. Sometimes it’s about sadism too. Not because there is something wrong with you.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
The older you get, the more you choose calm over chaos and distance over disrespect. You have absolutely no desire for conflict or drama, and your peace becomes your ultimate priority. You start surrounding yourself with people who are good for your mental health, heart and soul.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Self-acceptance & self-love DON'T mean that nobody's judgments can't or won't hurt us.
It means that even when the world DOES hurt us, we have a place of emotional safety WITHIN where we can rest & recover-- that ISN'T dependent on others' acceptance or preferences.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
A narcissist or abusive person wants you emotionally isolated and unable to confide in anyone. When you do confide in someone, it may already be a person the narcissist has already tainted with lies about you.
Jo 🌻, TWITTER:
I’m just so sick and tired of bad men being rewarded for doing bad things.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Abandonment trauma will have us seeking relationships from anyone who shows us surface level attention and trying to keep relationships with people who actively hurt us. Loss becomes our greatest fear.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Narcissists don’t just break your heart, they destroy you’re friendships, family, hopes, dreams, hobbies, career, confidence, self-trust, beliefs, inner peace and reality, that’s why it takes so long to heal.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Healing means you are no longer concerned about people's reactions to the truth.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When we set clear boundaries, we teach people what treatment we will accept and what treatment we will not accept.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
You know you are healing when you no longer tolerate conditions that you are not happy with.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
Avoid people who lower your vibe.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When you reach out for emotional understanding or comfort & it's just not there-- or, worse, you're mocked or punished for reaching out-- you learn that it's not worth it to try.
Taking the risk of reaching out again after YEARS of that sh*t is a complicated ask.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
If it seems that narcissists treat their next partner better than they treated you, one thing to remember is that you are on their discard list while the new love interest is being loved bombed. Narcissists rarely change their methods … just their partners.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
you do realize that we, all of us, right now, are changing the world by doing the deep healing work our species so desperately needs.
we are healing deep generational trauma thousands of years in the making...that is why it is so hard. it is SO hard, be gentle with yourself.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You bet our emotional vocabulary is gonna be limited when we were mocked or punished for even ACKNOWLEDGING emotions growing up.
Attuning to & describing what we feel can be harder than you think when "feeling" words have been functionally off limits all our lives.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
How we react & respond to life largely depends on the stories we buy into about what things *mean*. LOTS of us have been conditioned to think things we do well are "coincidences"-- & things we f*ck up are the "real" us.
Question those narratives. Find the cracks. They're there.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
just because you’re strong enough to handle the pain, doesn’t mean you deserve it.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Adults from emotionally abusive homes become pre-occupied with a need for control. This can manifest in: micromanaging people, food restriction, perfectionism, etc. When we didn't experience safety as children, control becomes our way to feel safe.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
A lot of us are TAUGHT whether directly through words or indirectly through actions — that fighting people you love is “normal”. We are taught that love involves “punishment” or “violent behavior” when we are wrong or make a mistake. We are taught that fighting resolves conflict.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
If we were raised by critical parents, our internal voice is critical. Always looking at what we did wrong, how we're not good enough, or what we "should" do. We need to develop the voice of a wise adult and practice speaking to ourselves in new ways.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Focus on you. You have done enough for the ungrateful.
Diane Langberg, PhD, TWITTER:
Words are used to cover up terrible wrongs or to control. They can seduce, condemn, humiliate, or shock. The power of words to destroy is seemingly endless. If we do not grasp the reality of verbal abuse, we will not recognize the extent of the destruction.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
Many survivors have been in survival mode so long, that exhaling & being present feels like a threat. While survival mode is a stressor on our minds & bodies, it’s also scary that by exiting survival mode, we fear we will not be alert & get traumatized all over again.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Normalize not feeling bad for distancing yourself from anyone that didn't feel bad for hurting you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Identifying your needs & trying to get them met ISN'T "manipulative" or "entitled"-- but you might've been TOLD that by people trying to impact your emotions & control your behavior.
Honest, compassionate, interdependent humans are VERY clear about their needs.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Maturity is feeling your emotions without becoming them, feeling your pain without becoming its narrative, and unlearning your own toxic patterns without blaming or shaming older versions of yourself.
Andrew Campbell, TWITTER:
There is NO excuse for abuse. Not stress, not a pandemic, not a “bad day”, not even a history of being victimized yourself. ALL should be safe from abuse.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Pushing buttons and triggers is covert bullying..
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Stop using trauma as an excuse to mistreat and abuse the ppl you claim you love.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Once you catch a narcissist cheating, they'll never trust you again.
Jacklena Bentley, TWITTER:
Sometimes what is best for our mental health breaks our hearts.
Josh…, TWITTER:
When you choose peace, it comes with a lot of goodbyes.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Don't ever let anyone make you feel crazy because you figured them out.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
The ability to measure people is the most important skill of all in gathering and conserving power.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Some people find it easier is to judge the mistakes of others, but difficult is to recognize their own mistakes.
MyNamesNotLinda33, TWITTER:
Unlearning your own toxic patterns is self-care.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER
If you're reading this, you might be a highly sensitive person-- & you probably know that a LOT of people mistake "sensitive" for "weak."
Truth is, HSP's have to be STRONGER than most people to get through the day-- & it takes a LOT of energy pretending we're cool & unbothered.
Dr. Thema, TWITTER:
Don't censor your story.
It's not just about the moments you won, but the moments you fell down or were knocked down and gave yourself permission to start again.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
NO one in the history of humanity has felt positive 100% of the time. It’s not possible.
The more we try to feel it, the more shame we endure when we realize we can’t.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Who were you before society showed you who to be?
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We can be strongly attuned & responsive to others' pain-- WITHOUT taking on the responsibility of "fixing" it or them.
Your value to someone is NOT dependent upon your ability to "fix" something for them-- & TRYING to "fix" them can get in the way of authentically connecting.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Being highly sensitive doesn't make you "dramatic."
To the contrary, most highly sensitive people go to GREAT lengths to turn DOWN the volume of our instinctive reactions.
The LAST thing most HSP's want is to be considered "dramatic"-- & we're often worried about it.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
None of it is your fault; the perpetrator of coercive control bears all responsibility.
end_sexual.violence, TWITTER:
Most abusers and their enablers hold power in their community.
Solé, TWITTER:
Some people will stay away from you because you look too much like love and they aren’t comfortable with that.
Ryan 🖖 ♻️ 🌊, TWITTER:
Anytime and #narcissist gives you advice, they're telling you what they want you to do for THEIR benefit.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Pay attention to your gut feelings. No matter how good something looks, if it doesn't feel right.... Walk away.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
Tough love does not work with a narcissist.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
I just wanted to say first —- trauma responses and skills you use to keep you safe CAN ALSO BE ABUSIVE & HARMFUL TOWARDS OTHERS YOU LOVE. no one is discrediting that these are survival/safety tactics. Two things can be true at once. Intention matters but so does insight.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
You might not always *feel* good in a safe relationship. You will be challenged. You will feel discomfort. But a safe partner doesn’t weaponize your emotions or shame you for having them.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
It is better to be happily single than to be miserable in a relationship.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Good people have their limits too. Never take them for granted.
Wise Chimp, TWITTER:
Trust your intuition. It never lies.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Good intentions only negate abuse when you lack insight. Once you’re fully aware your behaviors are harmful —- its abusive regardless of whether it’s purposeful or not.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
There's a difference between talking trash 🗑️ about a person and talking truth about a bully.
Jacklena Bentley, TWITTER:
Life is bigger than abuse and trauma.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We can't "make" someone respect our boundaries. I WISH.
All we can do is what we can do: respond to others' boundary-crossing behavior w/ consistency & clarity-- even when we're scared, & even when there might be pushback.
I know. Easier said than done. But REALLY important.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
To some people, treating their partner badly is their version of love.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Someone who doesn't haven't any abilities to make you happy will often hold it against you when you are feeling unhappy.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We can't "make" people change; we can't "make" people apologize, & we can't "make" people feel or want something they don't.
And we can't make people apologizing, feeling something, or wanting specific things prerequisites to creating a life WE value & want to live.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
You're going to develop trust issues around those with lying issues.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Some people will see you as bad, others will see you as good. Connect to the people that judge you favorable & disconnect from negative people.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
When someone hurts you and then claims they did nothing to you, they’re not taking responsibility for their behaviour and they will do it again.
Diane Langberg, PhD, TWITTER:
Myth: The presence of good deeds, kind words, and a good reputation means a person could not possibly be an abuser.
Truth: An abuser often cultivates such things for the purpose of deception.
Overmind, TWITTER:
The pain will disappear, once it has finished teaching you.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
it's hard to trust people nowadays.
correlation does not equal causation
reggie mills, TWITTER:
Everyone leaves. Learn how to survive alone.
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
Never beg anyone for anything, not time, not attention, not love, not effort, nothing.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Do not argue with reality. You cannot win.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Threatening to leave a relationship is not the same thing as effectively communicating a boundary. Do not communicate boundaries you have no intention of following through with. It’s okay to say “if ‘this behavior’ continues — I won’t be able to do this anymore”.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
3. Stop Blaming Yourself — To abuse is to make a choice. Stop blaming yourself for something you have no control over.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
An underexplored area in the coercive control literature is the impact of gaslighting the victim and it's contribution to the induction of obedience and compliance. Much of the focus is on the impact of 'credible threat' but I propose gaslighting is a significant factor.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
I’m a trauma survivor myself but some of us are committed to being the victim in every situation. Sometimes you are wrong. Sometimes you are harmful to ppl you love. The person on the receiving end still doesn’t deserve be mistreated whether it’s unintentional or not.
Becoming the person who hurt you is a thing! We learn through modeling. Sometimes it’s learned behavior. It doesn’t mean you are an “abuser” but the behavior can still be abusive.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Leaving out details is still lying.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
It is not psychological abuse; it is psycho-physiological abuse.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
raise your children to disobey, challenge, be non-compliant, break the rules...at least the rules that need to be broken
raise them to think critically and act with empathy
obedience kills.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Ask yourself: how does my nervous system feel around them?
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We're not gonna feel & function differently if we keep replaying those old tapes in our head-- but often we're convinced we'll be "in trouble" if we erase or record over those tapes.
That anxiety about being "in trouble" can ruin a life-- & it's controlled you long enough.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
Who you are under a campaign of coercive control is not who you are or will become.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
Once you’re an enemy of a narcissist, you’re probably an enemy for life. A narcissist tends not to forgive you of narcissistic injuries no matter how slight, and in my experience, a narcissist will never miss an opportunity for revenge.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
A toxic partner is detrimental to all areas of your life.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Part of maturing emotionally is knowing who and what is worth your time.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissists leave out plenty of details...
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Narcissistic parents don’t discipline their children, narcissists condition them.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
They treat you bad because something is wrong with them on the inside, it's not you. Kind and compassionate people don't go around intentionally destroying others, they just don't.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
A toxic person will tell you what you are feeling. Wtf.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
The other awareness that emerged for me as that the totality of coercive control induces a trauma responses that impairs one's ability to connect with others. In that impaired ability to connect, which calls for a degree of safety in one's body that the victim lacks,
you can be isolated in a room full of people because your capacity to be your authentic self, to feel safe to connect, and share your inner world (which is a ball of confusion) is greatly diminished.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
No more toxic relationships where you are silently punished.
Josh…, TWITTER:
NEVER re-friend someone that has tried to destroy your character, money, or relationship. A snake only sheds its skin to become a bigger snake!!
Dr. Jessica Taylor, TWITTER:
The fact that he is having to convince people he is not ‘delusional’ and ‘paranoid’ when the entire family claim to support ‘mental health’ charities makes it crystal clear how powerful ‘mental health’ and ‘disorder’ slurs/pathologisation are when discrediting anyone speaking up.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
When a person takes on circumstances that they cannot handle, they can cause damage.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Manipulation is when they always mess with your mind by blaming you for reacting to their toxic behaviour, but never discuss their disrespect that triggered you.
Nicolas Gurvits, TWITTER:
Humans are wired to be with others for survival, but you can't heal in the same environment that broke you.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
I think of coercion as the use of credible threat, psychological erosion, volition restriction and entrapment to induce a victim in acting against their own best interests, including impeding their ability to leave the abusive situation.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Being a good person does not take away the capability of engaging in abusive behavior.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
in some ways it doesn't matter WHY they do what they do, what matters is THAT they do it...
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The thing is: we DON'T engage in self-destructive behaviors for the hell of it, & we're NOT doomed to keep repeating the same toxic patterns until we thoroughly ruin our lives.
Don't listen to the voice in your head that says you do that sh*t because "you're just like that."
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Beware of people who say they are your friend but don't try to understand you or make an effort to regularly connect with you.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
There is no such thing as “letting go” of unprocessed trauma that has put a person in survival mode. If anything needs to be let go, it’s the expectation that a survivor needs to further explain their experience in order to be treated with respect. Let that go.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
The more someone is disconnected from their own emotions the more they are dependent on the outside world.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
A Narcissist’s Accusations Are Often Confessions.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Addiction comes from an attempt to self soothe a dysregulated nervous system.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
In recovery we have to create a relationship w/ ourselves & space inside our head & heart that are SAFE. Where we know we WON'T be attacked, threatened, or sabotaged.
We're not gonna feel safe in the world until we feel safe within ourself.
Have your own back.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
The older you get, the more you remove yourself with the quickness from anywhere you don’t feel loved, appreciated or respected.
Written Notes, TWITTER:
Pain changes people. Some become rude. Some become silent.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
You know you are healing when you no longer call toxic people back or respond to their text messages.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissists like to gang up on their targets by getting other people to back them and join in on the abuse.
S, TWITTER:
People lose respect for the law, because the people that make up the law, are corrupt or just don't give a damn about the truth.
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
How quickly someone answers you is rarely a sign of how much they care about you.
Delayed replies to emails, texts, and calls are often symptoms of being overwhelmed.
Unless it's urgent, the true test of a relationship isn't the speed of response. It's the quality of attention.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
If we wanna regulate our emotions, we gotta cultivate part of ourselves that can step OUTSIDE of what we're feeling, see what's going on, & talk the part of us that's INSIDE the emotion through it.
Emotional regulation requires inner TEAMWORK-- especially for trauma survivors.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
If you grew up walking on eggshells, someone walking into a room, a door slamming, or someone raising their voice can send your entire body into fight or flight. The body remembers, even when the mind can't recall.
Kalen Allen, TWITTER:
In 2023, I am officially resigning from being the strong friend. The friend that’s inclusive while always being excluded. The friend that rarely receives but is always providing. The friend who’s self care is interpreted as abandonment is no longer available.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
When people lose the connection between their actions and their consequences, they lose their hold on reality, and the further this goes the more it looks like madness.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Return to the harder or softer sides of your character that you have lost or repressed.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Don't Let The Narcissist Be A Better Communicator Than You!
One of the main weapons of narcissists is communication. Communication is the main component in any relationship. One of the main components of narcissistic supply is narcissistic ability to out-communicate you. This gives them the feeling of omni-potence and control. In communication narcissists love to interrupt you and to use questions in order to trap you into corner. Having effective communication skills and being confident in using them is very effective and repelling to narcissist's rubbish. It will also help you to not react negatively and to feel better about yourself. Don't forget on working in building effective and assertive communication skills. Narcissists will hate it.
Prof. Feynman, TWITTER:
Experience is the ultimate source of knowledge.🧠
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Stop investing in empty friendships where they don't try to understand you or make an effort to regularly connect with you.
Thomas Edison | American Inventor & Businessman, TWITTER:
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Catturd ™, TWITTER:
We now live in a world where people who tell the truth are in fear of their lives.
Adam Fare 🖤🤍💜, TWITTER:
The disability paradox:
If you say you can’t do something you’re called “negative” or that you’re “giving in”.
If you push yourself to do something people think you’re not really disabled or are suddenly “better”.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Forgive yourself for tolerating abuse, you did the best you could with the tools that you had at the time.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
how a person reacts to your sadness says a lot about how long they’re going to be in your life
Richard Grannon & Prof. Sam Vaknin about Fantasy Lives of Narcissists and Borderlines
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUSeu3_JsD0
YT Nelstill
Otto F. Kernberg suggested that narcissistic disorders of character are foundation of most mental health problems. If we understand disturbances in narcissism we would probably find a theory of everything.
What drives narcissism and borderline in its simplest form: The first force is a need to be seen. And the second force is bad object internalization. Narc supply regulates their sense of self worth. At the core – to be seen.
Want to be seen not in healthy way. Everybody wants to be seen, but compulsively. They can't help it. Drive; something you could not control. Superego contains the drive, id. As people age they develop superego.
To not be seen as a child is to die. It becomes issue of survival. Bad object: when you are communicated as child, environmentally or embedded in culture mocked; you internalize belief you are unworthy, insufficient.
You internalize other's people view of you as bad and unworthy. And it becomes an inner conviction. You believe it. Adhere to it. It's other's people perceptions that you have internalized. Exposed to constant messaging prior to age 6.
If you've been exposed to this messaging until age 6, you end up having internal bad object for life. Sending child message you are worthless, stupid – you get borderline. But if you ignore the child, not pay attention to child- narcissist.
Parents who refused to regard the child as separate entity and therefore could not see the child. You can't see someone unless you acknowledge they are separate from you. This is something people find difficult to understand.
The very act of seeing someone allow them to separate. Recognize you as external entity. If I don't see you, if I treat you as my extension, my internal object, my luggage - then I will not allow you to separate.
Separation individuation is process being described by Mahler, Melanie Klein. Child between 18 and 24 months develops grandiosity, narcissism, ready to take on the world. Child goes massive trauma when realize that mother and him are not one entity.
Frustration is external, more child is frustrated, more realize mother is not him. Process of break down in universe. Frustration creates aggression, leads to splitting. At some point child realize child is not mother.
It's healthy narcissism, it is foundation of self confidence and self esteem, regulates self worth. Everybody goes through phase of narcissism. Healthy narcissism, you have to feel like god to take on the world, to say goodbye to mother. This is the separation phase.
Separation phase never works if mother does not recognize child as a separate entity. Mother needs to provide safe base, not be punished to dare to separate from mummy. Afraid that child would leave she would punish signs of aggression, punish the drive to walk away from her, constrain her physically. Depressed mother would be there and hold on to child, only source of comfort. Don't allow children to separate. Children stay in unitary mode where mother and me are one. You never become individual.
Two forces are to be seen bad object and internalization.
To be seen is relatively simple. Narcissists are very primitive machines. They seek narcissistic supply, they get it, they're happy, don't get angry., depressed end of story. Borderliners are much more complicated structures psychodynamically. Because bad object is internalized and introjected.
Bad object becomes part of you. You came to believe you are bad object. Other people telling you you are bad object: unworthy, failure, this or that, negative things, ugly, stupid and you came to adopt these views of themselves. Child do this because mother can never be wrong. If mother is wrong it is life threatening. You can't even contemplate she is wrong because if she is wrong about this she might give you bad antibiotics. So you are wrong. You are the one who is defective and deformed. Bad object is much bigger problem than need to be seen. There is process called identification, described by freud first. Between child and bad object, they become one. Narcissist have bad object but the way they cope with bad object is very different.
Personhood is denied, not allowing child to form boundaries, his own person.
We have damaged children. Codependents go through separate process. Codependent is merely mixture between narcissism and borderline.
Dead mother is phrase coined by Andre Green in 1978 to describe mother who is not good, bad mother. She is alive but bad mother.
Parents treat children differently. So children will choose different solutions. Child about to become narcissist his solution would be to actually create a world where he is seen. Solve the problem by paracosm, alternative reality where is seen. Create imaginary friend that later becomes self. All children create imaginary friends. Children have transitional objects to which they bond. Allow child to experiment relationship with, that is why dolls are popular. In the case of narcissistic child the role of imaginary friends is to see the child. Later becomes self. He is everything that child is not – omnipotent, all powerful all knowing perfect brilliant handsome. But main role is to see the child. Paracosm, fantasy, fantasy defense.
Borderline also create fantasy defense. Both children avoid reality. Reality is painful, hurtful, unchangeable, immutable. Children have no ability to affect the behaviour of adults around them. Borderline fantasy is identical to narcissistic child fantasy.
Good science is parsimony. You use minimal number of principles to obtain monopoly of phenomena. To describe phenomena.
Both narc and borderline child have imaginary friend. Narcissist imaginary child is to see him. Borderline imaginary friend is to sooth him, pat on head, tell you are good, you are safe with me.
Narcissist say you are great, brilliant, wonderful all knowing. Both has false self, both desire to seen – through adulation, other soothing.
Later become false self.
One has to see child other to soothe the child. It creates regulation. When you are loved, contained this creates regulation. Borderline learns to regulate emotions moods cognitions inside her, internal processes via agency of imaginary friend.
Narcissist regulates his ego boundary functions – reality testing, sense of self worth, self esteem, anxiety regualtes through imaginary friend. Both children learn that nothing can come from inside, they are hollowed out. Comes from within the fantasy. Fantasy must include agent, third party, imaginary friend.
What are they empties out ? Functionality. No function is carried internally. Everything comes from outside. In the case of narcissist, functions are outsourced. Common ego function would be reality testing. Reality testing is ability to perceive reality properly. Without too much deviation from facts. If I'm narcissist or borderline I have to recruit you, initially imaginary friend much later another person. Borderline refer to you if want to know anything about reality. Assure your view. “Do you think so too?” Narcissist will tell you am I not genius. Borderline wants to be confident. So they will ask different questions but these are different questions about reality. No healthy person will ask you do you think I am genius. No healthy person would constantly ask you. Is this real, do you agree with me. Did I just see this is common question in borderline. Did this really happen now. This reminds me of my ex and I find it exhausting, all day every day. It is exhausting because you become part of apparatus, machinery of regulating her internal environment.
She uses you as an extension of her regulatory environment. If I didn't answer quickly enough or without enough energy she'd get very agitated.
If on desert island borderline would become suicidal, narcissist would lapse into psychosis. They wouldn't have anybody there to fulfill their ego functions. They don't exist without other people. In every psychological way they don't exist without other people.
This disqualify personality disorder. In my view these are not personality disorders. There's no absent personality. These are sociological functions. We are talking about post-traumatic condition that had destroyed any vestige of identity. These are non-entities, these are walking talking vacuums, absences, black holes. But personality they are not. There is no personality. We can't see abusive in isolation.
Narcissism and borderline are relation disorders. If isolated, most of manifestation of disorder would vanish. There would be total disintegration of person, psychosis, attempted suicide and so on. 90 percent of borderline manifestation would vanish.
It is relational – it is in relation to someone. Both disorders are found on empty schizoid core. Deeper ground borderline and narcissism are manifestation of deeper schizoid disorder and in a sense a lot in common with schizophrenia. As Kernberg had suggested.
How could it be schizoid in a way they relate to people is actually keeping people at a distance by instrumentalizing them.
Misunderstanding of schizoid. Schizoid personality disorder is something else. Schizoid organized principle means you internalize bad object and you have chosen to avoid all objects. Narcissists goes a lot through schizoid phases. Narcissist not getting supply he becomes schizoid. Borderline are similar. After major trauma they go through schizoid phase.
Borderline and narcissist they never separated, they carry mother with them wherever they go. Mother is introjected, become voice in their head. When these children grow up they begin to have object relation. Begin to play with peers. Sexual dimension later. Becoming a boy or girl is social act, this is socially conditioned. It's a performative act. Becoming boy or girl is learned, acquired.
It is not grounded in biology. Parents teach you, society teaches you. We have tendency to educate people with vagina to be girls. That's culturally determined.
Child begins to expose to real people, not imaginary. Starts to have interaction with other people, forced into the world. This forced interaction with other people changes the nature of fantasy. Because other people push back.
Other people provide countervailing information. Disagree with you, criticize you, mock you, put you down. Reality refuses to collude with fantasy. Reality does not comply, reality does not collaborate.
It's a problem to maintain the fantasy. Huge amounts of energy go into maintaining the fantasy in the face of reality. At some point compromise needs to be struck. Giving up on fantasy and integrating with reality. Or retreating in fantasy and giving up reality. Neither option is fully possible. Child can never go fully into reality because child never separated from the parent from mother so internalized introjected mother won't allow him. Every time he tries to venture out into reality and to become a part of reality, the mother introject. Actually prevents separation.
Always prevents it.
Conscience is introject. Voice tells you don't steal something. It's bad, wrong, don't steal anything. It's the same with mother introject. You want to separate, develop friendships, go out to the world, absent for 2 days, go to party. Mother introjects don't do it, it's wrong. Conscience is internal object.
Introject is representation of your mother in your mind. Inside your mind and talks all the time. Superego is another model. Super ego is another name for conscience. Mind is populated with self states. Mother influental role models all create representation in your mind, moral guide, behavioural guide. Your mind is populated with representation significant in your life and this voices talk to you all the time and when you consult with yourself. When you are doing something wrong. Introjects answer you. Largely unconscious they are perceived as ego conguent, perceived as you. One of the main thing we should do in therapy is to distinguish between authentic voice and introjects.
Self states are internal objects. Some internal objects are introjects, significant. Other are conscious, sometimes you are narcissistic, empathic. This is not random. It is determined by environment. When the environment provides you with information called cues. The environment provides you with information/cues and these cues trigger your self states.
If you find yourself among criminals, you will have psychopathic state coming out that comes forward to protect me.
If i have limited number of states, 4 or 5 self states, the different environment where I go into determine what self state will come out. Rather than personality, I have assemblage of self states. Self state share memory, they have common database. They are associated, not dissociated.
This is what used to be called identity. One database is memory, another database are emotional states, another are cognitions.
Healthy people have self states. Self state model was developed by philip bromberg. I just adopted it.
All people have self states. The concept of personality a unitary self is antiquated counterfactual and hierarchical, disciplinarian, rigid, it is wrong. Too much money was invested in idea. Any therapist will tell you it is nonsense. No one has unitary fixed core self. People are like river not like pond.
With narcissist there is complication and borderline when it comes with self states.
Narcissists reality is harsh. 2 choices – to get rid of fantasy or reality. But actually these choices are imaginary. He cannot choose reality – choose reality means to individuate. These children narc and borderline because they have mother introjected telling you cannot separate from me, emotional blackmail, if separate you are bad object, if you separate you will fail because you are stupid. There is voice don't separate. Child doesnt have choice. On the other hand the child cannot maintain the fantasy. In its pure form. Because it's constantly attacked by reality. Too much information that child needs to suppress ,it is full time job. If you are god why you got splashed by the mud as bus pass by. It is constant narcissistic injury, creates dissonance. When child is exposed finally to object relations – other people – this creates enormous dissonance, every minute this is intolerable state. Dissonance create anxiety. As long as not exposed to other people fantasy worked. When exposed to other people – overwhelming anxiety, creates aggression, they internalize aggression, become depressive. Depressive phase – Melanie Klein described that. Melanie work applies forever, because child never grows, this goes forever.
What's the solution. Child fortifies defenses. Child sacrifice true self. Until 4 and 6 until object relation. Then too much negative feedback are coming in. Catch 22 plunge into fantasy, I can't. Plunge into reality, I can't. So they do this – I disappear. I cannot be in reality, I cannot be in fantasy – ok I cannot be. I must become something. By becoming my imaginary friend. Become one with imaginary friend. Become this god, become one. The minute child this he solves the problem. False self is about reality. Anything that reality has to offer is irrelevant to god. The main function of this new self is to devalue reality. Origin of idealization devaluation cycle. Child idealizes false self and simultaneously devalues reality. For grandious reason, now I am god, idealize false self, devalue reality which is going to do for the rest of his life. All the dynamics child goes through are replicated in future relationships. Partner devalues partner because she is part of reality. Cycle lasts till the end of life.
Everything is fine for a while. Borderline regulated because false self is soothing god – new testament. Proto narcissists child becomes 1 with false self – punitive, demanding, perfect, old testament.
At some point life intrudes – school, go to army, find job. There is no way to avoid.
Whenever proto narcissists attempts to make transition – start new job, new friendship – mother introjects, keeps warning him not to be separate, not to develop autonomy, this hampers obstructs child self efficacy. He is obstructed with this. So there needs to be another modification to fantasy. Each time fantasy is modified, narcissist never ever chooses reality. Because mother introject is too strong. The only thing he does he modifies the fantasy. So now he modifies the fantasy to incorporate mother figure.
Borderline similarly encounters difficulty when faces life demands. No longer sooth, no often regulated, fantasy is no longer working. She needs to modify fantasy as well. As narc never transition to reality. She modifies fantasy. But there is a twist. Borderlines fantasy is object centred.
Narcissist fantasy is introject centred. When the borderline is forced to modify her fantasy, what she does, she finds someone out there which is a kind of liaison to reality. A bridge to reality. A representation of reality. But it's a real person. His job is to provide her with reality testing. He becomes her reality. If you talk to borderline she will tell you he is my life, it is not metaphore, he is borderline's life. She finds external object, and then she religates passes on to him all the functions in her that conflicts with fantasy. First, regulatory function. Fantasy is suppose to regulate borderline. If she is dysregulated, it means fantasy is failing. And she cannot afford this. If failed, she will commit suicide end of story. All internal processes that conflict with fantasy she hands them over to a partner. She tells I am dysregulated, please regulate my emotions. My moods are up and down, please stabilize my moods. Change my internal processes so they don't conflict with the fantasy so that I don't get rid of fantasy.
Borderline applies more pressure on their partner because they need them more much more. Borderline annexes the partner, appropriates the partner. She swallows the partner, internalizes him, assimilates him. Similar to process merging of false self.
Borderline is fantasy – fantasy is I have false self, as god I can stabilize myself have inner peace but it doesn't work. She gets keeping dysregulated, mood- am I lying to myself. Not god- if not I will commit suicide. Death if not god. Soothe me so I can maintain my fantasy. If you regulate me, I will be regulated. He becomes faciliator of fantasy. Together they create shared fantasy. Some people walk away. Covert narcissism is very close to borderline. Secret shame I need stupid human, partner. If partner accepts fantasy, he becomes figment of fantasy. She idealizes him, photoshops him. Partner internalizes borderline, everybody is happy until he doesn't regulate. He will inevitably fail. Not because demands are unrealistic, because he has government anxiety. He is her regulator but gets too close too comfort. Again she experiences disappearing. Not seen as narcissist and bad object. Child is never himself, vanish, with partner she experiences. The more she is at her mercy.
Man is doing his job and now she fears engulfment. In order to individuate she has to create trouble – approach avoidance, push and pull. All these dynamics are pre-ordained pre-destined, immutable, incurable. These are life long dynamics.
81 percent of borderliners lose diagnosis after age 45, she doesn't lose this. Push pull, approach avoidance. She approaches partner she wants him to eliminate process.
He does his job, he sooths her, he is constantly there and she feels trapped. She feels imprisoned, shackled, smothered, suffocated, she wants to run away.
She say fantasy is ok but i also want to be. The minute she runs away the fantasy is threatened because her dysregulation and runs back.
Partner becomes external regulator. This is borderline solutino to the onslaught of life and its demands which threatens the fantasy. The main preoccupation is maintenance of fantasy. Fantasy matters more then everything, more than husbands, children, money, fantasy is it, this is who they are. This way it is simpler than narcissist – she develops approach-avoidance, partner regulates her internal world. She gets stuck in these loops for life.
Narcissist complicates. His fantasy is challenged in life as well and needs to find solution. Narcissist says life challenges me and fantasy fall apart because i am not core, he says life is challenging me, attacking me, disagree me, difficulties, tribulation because the false self is too close to me. Narcissist has bad object internalized, the minute i merge i contaminate false self i drag it down. I am bad object I am inadequate so I need to break apart. I need to unleash false self not to depend on me. Separation. Narcissist needs to go to individuation separation. Mother becomes paternal introject. Child says the only solution to environment that challenges me is to become god. So i become this new god. But reality continues. What I did wrong. I am bad object I merge false self with bad object, I need to restore to its divinity. Only way to separate from god. Allow god to be god. Unbeknownst to narcissist, he tries to reinact separation individuation he didnt get from his mother this time from internal object.
Renders false self god like, sacrifice and disappears in false self merge become one. When life challenges narcissist, now he is full pledged narcissist. Life keeps coming challenging narcissist – so child needs to modify fantasy again. Like borderline modified fantasy by introducing real life partner. To regulate her environment, the narcissist needs to modify his fantasy for the second and last time. Two modification for narcissist. Idealization means divorcing reality. When you idealize someone you dont want the external real object. You want ideal object, which is unreal, fantasy. Proto narcissist idealize false self he removed false self from reality. Then in second phase child merged with false self. When child merged with false self he brought into false self the bad object. Child proto narcissistic is bad object, believe he is fully inadequate vulnerable, insufficient, stupid ugly – believes that its real. He had idealized false self and removed false self from reality and brought false self in reality. He contaminated false self with reality. Now false self is no longer divorced from reality because it includes bad object which is real. Which used to be child. False self cannot provide defence, now it is in reality, it loses its magical power. False self cannot provide defense. There is urgent need to idealize false self. Again render it fantastic. Not real. How to do that. Child needs to take false self away from itself. Separate from false self. He brought poison made it dirty realize it made it dirty he needs to purify false self. So he needs to separate from false self and become individual in reality. Protected by false self. False self is helpless hampered obstructed by reality of bad object. You need to remove reality from false self, bad object from false self. False self is all good. It is god. It cannot have bad elements, there is splitting defense. But child contaminated false self. Partly good partly bad – reality. HE needs to entangle this separate and become individual in reality. Separate from false self and creates individual. At that moment mother introject – i told you not to separate, you are bad boy dont separate. Now conflict is extreme. If he separate mother introjects and will kill him. You cannot win. If you dont separate reality will kill you. Solution is to find another mother. That is child reaction i will find another mummy. This time I will negotiate acceptable separation. I need to keep false self all good. It is must I must separate. I must find another mother. He finds boss, menthor, intimate partner anyone can be this mother figure. He forces he coerces her into becoming his mother. So that he can separate from her individuate safely. He needs to encourage him to separate, to individuate from false self that is settled again. All these dynamics are unconscious he does not realize he ask for mother. It is driven by pain and discomfort, drives, dissonance ego distony, severe anxiety. Severe overwhelming, it is kind of dysregulation. How he convert intimate partner into his mother - he becomes helpless suddenly unable to cope , to take care of him like small child. He forces her into role of mother. Next stage separation individuation. To separate he needs to devaluate. When narcissist come accros potential partner he takes photo snapshot of her, he internalize and photoshops the snapshot. At that moment she is ideal, property inside his mind, this is co-idealization. Stage 1. stage 2 he converts her into mother. Mother needs to be ideal. Narcissist at that point regress at age 18 months. Perfect mother idealize her. He needs at some point to separate. To separate he needs reason – some stoy, narrative. Because he idealized her. Why would you separate ideal object, you choose this object. You are less than god like, you made mistake. Your selection process sucks, you are faliable, this creates narcissistic injury. Narcissistic injury creates anxiety, he reduces anxiety by devaluating her. Keep introject and devalue her. Introject – i never make mistake, never. What I can to is devalue external object.
If he devalues introject, he has to admit that the idealization process was mistaken. And he never makes mistakes. It challenges his grandiosity. And destroys the fantasy. He cannot admit there was a mistake in introjection process.
He cannot devalue introject also because he never relates to external object. Only emotionally invest in internal object, debate in internal object. He modifies internal object. Narcissist's real partner is inside his head. Never outside. He can afford to lose external person, he cannot afford to lose. He moves to next partner. No abandonment anxiety. If he lose in his mind he will develop sever anxiety. And stop function.
This is almost psychotic. Narcissist lives completely inside his mind. It is stable inside because the emotionally invest in it and they don't allow it to change.
They fixate it. It's not chaotic inside really. It is ordered. Rigid. That is why narcissist is defined rigid pattern. That is why narcissism is very bad at coping with developments, exigencies, change, they are very bad at it, they are not reacting to outside, they react to representation of outside in their mind, they are not flexible.
When we see narcissist actually being quite resilient and robust to external change, some people say “Oh, they're healthy. They're not falling apart, there is chaos around”. No, they are rigid. Rigidity protect them from external change.
All narcissism is defense. They are actually extremely fragile but their rigidity protects them. Narcissism is compensatory, external skeleton keeps you locked, firm. All narcissism is compensatory, we used to think differently. In his mind outside object is commodity so he devalues.
To be clear devaluation and discard has nothing to do with intimate partner.
This process has to do with narcissist need to separate and individuate from substitute mother which is introjected, totally internal, nothing can partner do to prevent this. Client going through terrible pain the sense of rejection from devaluation and discard, it has to be explained to client, to understand at least theoretically, it's really not about you. And it's inevitable. You can't stop it from happening. Every narcissist will eventually have to devalue and discard you.
Because that is the only way to separate and individuate. When external object is devalued, there is a temporary problem. There is gap, this gap creates anxiety. When external objects deviates from internal – develops new friendship, becomes autonomous this threatens narcissist. It has to be static. Ideal partner for narcissist is ancient Egyptian mummy. In devaluation phase the anxiety is maximal. External is devalued, internal is idealized. To resolve this narcissist attempt to half heartedly hand introject, it is interesting process. To match external partner. You have changed but you are still amazing - contradictory statement. I can not trust you but you are still my friend. To match introject with external – but he cannot end over introject. That minute he experiences tremendous abandonment anxiety. He begins to experience depressive symptoms. Hopelessness. He wtihdraws and get stuck for life. Which explains hoovering. As long introject exists in mind there is this tension. Narcissist at some point is overwhelmed by anxiety so re-idealize partner, this is hoovering. Not all narcissist hoover all the time. It depends on whether they find substitute mother figure that can be matched with introject. They have library of introjects. If partner match introject, there will be no active hovering. If there are many active introjects with no counter part not corresponding external object they default to redialize her to match introject. I coined the phrase introject constancy.
Object constancy – borderline maintain fantasy by finding real person who help regulate internal environment so internal match fantasy. Partner helps her to regulate. Fantasy is intacked. To be able to do this to allow partner to function inside her she needs guarantee partner will be there all the time, not minute away. As long partner is there she trust partner to be there even if there are difficulties. Object constancy is belief that external object will remain in your life regardless of difficulties or friction, but there is some bond or alliance which are stronger than temporary difficulties. So borderline develops object constancy with her intimate partner but not introject constancy. Object constancy is difficult for borderline, they struggle with. Every human being develop whenever the meet meaningful – develop introject, identification, it is automatic process. Whenever someone means to you . They remain in your mind, it is introject. Borderline develops introject. When she finds intimate partner he is constant as object as an external object but she creates introject of him. Because he's meaningful. Significant. She can't maintain constancy of object. But she can't maintain constancy of introject. When object is away, the introject degrades and fades. In psychology is wrong – confuse in psychology introject constancy with object constancy. In psychology when we discuss object relations theory we've made mistake between internal and external. That is what shocked me. How no one came up with idea there is constancy of introject, not only objects. It is exceedingly clear in borderline.
Because when borderline is with her partner, is definitely constant. She treats him as constant she relies on him. She hugs him. She hangs on him. She hangs on his every word. He's her life, her universe, regulates her internal process, he is everything, he is constant to fulfill those roles. But minute he leaves the room she begins to doubt. The introject begins to degrade. To the point he vanishes. She has no representation of him in her mind. It's like he never existed. Or she develops extreme abandonment anxiety. Because she can't hang on to introject. There's no introject. Healthy people in love with someone she would leave the room and I would hang on to memory. This memory is introject until she returns. She goes on trip – after trip I won't ask who are you. I will hang on to introject. Introject keeps continuity. If I'm borderline, introject will vanish, I won't hang into anything. Their fantasy is object oriented. Their fantasy is outward oriented. They are emotionally invested in objects, not introjects. There is finite amount of energy. Either you use it outside or you use it inside. You can't do both. In healthy people they divide it it is a little outside, little inside. If all energy goes out you are borderline. If it goes all out you are narcissist.
If he is on phone for 2 hours, the introject degrades, fall apart, she has nothing to hang on to. And she feels abandoned. And she develops enormous anxiety. That is why borderliners are clingy. They need to go to external object to help him re-develop introject. They develop introject millions of times. Whereas a healthy person develops introject for life essentially. Borderline would need to develop introject every single time. Every hour, every day. She is busy developing introject because they don't hold.
When they left home they used to take object belonging to husband – and said throughout the day they would touch this object when they were attracted to other men. To summon them, spirit is introject. From outside it looks like moral degeneracy, as soon as husband is not there you do whatever you want. Its actually out of side, out of mind. No mind, there is nothing in the mind. Narcissist is the opposite. Narcissist has introject constancy – concept I invented. That is shock nobody invented it. For some reason everybody talks about objects constancy. No one thought of idea that you need to maintain the interest, in a state of constancy. Narcissist is exactly opposite. External object degrades and fades even if external is present, object keeps degrading. Object flickering in and out of existance, not sure if it is real. But internal representation avatar in mind is stable as rock, it is rigid. Because if doesn't really represent external object. It represent your emotional investment in object. It is always divegent from reality because it is idealized.
Girl i was seeing was talking about me gambling – where I never gamble, internal wasn't matching reality. Internal has a life of its own. It never changes its idealized features but it has life of its own.
Internal is immutable, fixated. And he interacts only with internal object, not with you. It's normal for him to continue where he taken off 10 years ago and you meet him again where you stopped.
That is different from borderline.
Fantasy is shared – borderline introduces object to fantasy. Narcissist introduces introject into fantasy. It is always shared.
Message to victims of narcissist – there is painful and hopeful. Painful – you were never chosen. You're not special. You're utterly commodified. None of your properties were relevant because narcissist interacts with fiction.
Hopeful message to victims of narcissist – none of it was your fault. And you could have done nothing about it. If your mind is torturing you if you said this, it was doomed from outset. Their need to fantasy.
Its about them. And it has to do with their compulsive need to preserve fantasy. It's not about reality. You could not enter change fantasy. They defend fantasy ferociously. They even sacrifice themselves for fantasy.
The minute people value fantasy more than reality, you have no role – you have no place and you have no contribution, negative or positive. You are not there. You are trigger. You are not partner. Attempt to impose language of healthy and normalcy is doomed.
You're going to try to apply healthy coordinates to borderline and narcissists, and you really can't. You can't because these people are no longer with us. They're not embedded in reality, they react badly to reality. And you're part of reality.
Unless you want to suspend yourself or change yourself in highly pathological ways it is possible. But otherwise you're part of reality and reality is nothing borderline's analysis is dread and hate more than reality.you're an agent of another kingdom which is enemy. You end up being enemy because you bring reality into lives of borderline and narcissist and challenge their fantasy. Think of reality and fantasy is Ukraine and Russia. You are Ukrainian to Russia. Anything you do can be perceived as hostile.
If you offer narcissist an advice you imply he is less than omniscient, all knowing. If you offer empathy you imply he is pitiful, you are challenging grandiosity. In borderline, you offer advice you broadcasting her “you're dysregulated”.
And if you are dysregulated, your fantasy is at risk. So there is no winning strategy. These people are not built for relationship. They are deeply wedded and committed into their fantasies.
More in video seven phases (of devaluation). Other mechanisms in work, this is core.
Narcissist's Madness - Grannon Vaknin Seminar in Bucharest
YT Nelstill
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdqQVK4EYZo
Psychologists today in the West want to be physicist. They are grandiose and feel like scientist. So they think if they manipulate statistics or work in laboratory, it makes them scientists. It doesn't. Early psychology is discarded.
When the narcissist doesn't have the fantasy defense, and he is in direct contact with reality he becomes aggressive. Clinically a bit psychopathic. Bad object are internalized voices: You're stupid, inadequate, horrible.
Borderline seeks someone to regulate her which is an external object. Difference is that healthy people always can tell the difference between external object and introject that represent external object.
Narcissist does not see you, there is no external object. They snapshot you, photoshop – idealization, and they continue to interact with photo. Which is why you piss them off if you diverge from photo.
If you're autonomous, if you're independent, if you make decisions, if you acquire new friends – this creates a lot of aggression, because you are threatening the internal structure of narcissist. Borderline needs external object to regulate internal environment.
Narcissist on the other hand has no external – he has only introjects, interacts with photo, not with you. He needs introject constancy.
If you are borderline intimate partner, you reject her, humiliate her, you abandon her, you disagree with her, you're busy, travel a lot she perceives this as object inconstancy, and falls apart, acting out. Because this is her fantasy, you take away her fantasy and then voices collaborate and stage spectacular burn out. It will be done in a way to attract attention.
Narcissist is completely different, incapable of perceiving external objects so the narcissistic fantasy is inward directed. Aim of the fantasy is to keep from driving individual to destruction, fantasy is self protective. Narcissist fantasy is about his mother.
All narcissists are 2 years old, you look for mother. Second mother will allow me to set boundaries, to explore the world, and allow me to come back to her without punishing me for having tried to separate from her. Original mother of narcissist punished him when he tried to separate.
Safe base concept. Looks for intimacy to separate. This discombobulated victims. This whole process is called approach-avoidance.
He is doing all this in order to get rid of you. This is extremely confusing. He recruits you to experience separation he never experience with his mother to feel safe enough to walk away.
How does narcissist knows that you're safe? He abuses you. If he abuses you and you stay, you're safe. This is the source of narcissistic abuse. Testing. It's a test. He goes further and further, pushed the envelope.
Narcissist can never discard you. I invented the term in 1995 and it was ambiguous.
Much deeper: seven phases of shared fantasies.
Vampires, you have to invite them in. you must give consent. Consent is extremely important in emotionally abusive relationship. Not psychopaths. Psychopaths will put gun to your head. They don't they're not bothered by your consent.
As you succeed in therapy, the worse you get. In order to escape trauma bond you must become completely different person. You will never go back. There's no going back to before narcissistic abuse.
When we come across adversity, when we come across abuse, torture, pain – we regress. You employ series of primitive defense mechanisms. One of them is splitting: dividing world in all good, all bad.
Narcissism is contagious. Borderline is contagious. Like infectious disease. These people force you to become narcissist, borderline. You will become pseudo quasi narcissist and rely heavily on introject constancy, not object constancy.
Entraining is the mechanism of synchronizing brain waves.
Grieve the damage. Realize there is damage internally and lot of it is irreversible. Not everything has a solution, cure, heal. This is American BS. Most things don't have solutions. In psychology healing, cures is semi rare.
Borderline has three components. There is a genetic component. On the matrilinean side mother, grand mother, aunts, were borderliner your chance to be borderline is 5 times higher. The same as psychopathy. There is component brain abnormality. There is no brain abnormality in narcissism. But there is brain abnormality in borderline and psychopathy. Third element is child abuse. Borderline and narcissist have the same level of grandiosity, false self construct. Abuse and trauma could be any refusal to let the child develop, any refusal to let the child develop boundaries. Any refusal to let the child separate and become individual, punishing when not conforming to expectations and demands.
Maybe parent punish emotions. You have parents who are not emotional. They never hug, kiss and any display of emotion is discouraged. That kind of child will develop emotional dysregulation. Which is core feature of borderline even more than grandiosity.
Fantasy could be grandiose fantasy but it also could be fantasy of self regulation. Feeling safe, inner peace, composure. This is borderline fantasy. Borderline fantasy is regulating through someone else, external regulation. And the narcissistic fantasy would be grandiose fantasy.
Fantasy is pathology. The minute you find yourself in a fantasy, the relationship is pathological, dysfunctional. Healthy relationship are based on reality principle. Never ever on a fantasy. Idealization lasting for long time, it is pathological. And you need to exit, sooner the better.
When you exit abusive relationship abuse is mode of regulating intimacy in relationship. Some people perceive abuse as proof of intimacy. Beating sign of love. You're infected by multiple processes and mechanisms. Borderline is very painful, you start as healthy, you withdraw from her invest in her representation in her mind, that is safe. Gradually you find yourself narcissist. They interact with introject not people out there. If you would interact with borderline out there you will be in constant agony. So you withdraw into your own mind, you become narcissistic, narcissistic defense, introjection. You hit back, become more abusive, there is contagion. Complex trauma is literally indistinguishable from borderline personality disorder on clinical grounds. Judith hermann invented or discovered complex trauma strongly advocates to delete borderline personality disorder and put new diagnosis as borderline private case of complex trauma.
Narcissist: metaverse will bait you, make contract with you, provide fantasy, that is narcissistic relationship, it will immerse you.
Borderline is overwhelmed by internal stimuli. And the autistic person is overwhelmed with external stimuli. It's mirror image of borderline. They are equally dysregulated in many cases.
Reflexive empathy – baby smile back to mummy, reflex
cognitive empathy – child created model of other people
emotional empathy – emotional reaction based on cognitive analysis of other people states and behaviours. Three layers. Narcissist only have 2, they don't have emotional. They have emotion but only access to negative emotions. Connected positive emotions with abuse, they buried the pain.
Autists are oversensitive hypersensitive to external stimuli. Borderliners respond identically to internal stimulation, their emotions. Maybe there is some connection between autistic and borderline, because they are mirroring.
Whenever you have dissonance competing conflicting forces of equal power inside you one of the common reactions is to develop fantasy. So these fight it out without real life consequences. Paranoid has persecutor conspiracy. Paranoid is narcissist. Being very important person. Fantasy is relating to internal objects as if they are external.
Fantasy defense in paranoia being very pronounced. Same with other types of disorders. Where the fantasy is total, is in schizophrenia. In psychotic disorders where fantasy is total. Fantasy is relating internal objects as if they're external. It provides safety because you interact with internal objects and you control these internal objects. They're yours, they're inside your head so you control them. Control gives you a sense of a safe base, it's a substitute for what mother should given you and never gave you.
Alternative to relationship based on fantasy is relationship based on reality. In a relationship based on fantasy you never interact with your partner actually. You interact with an image of your partner. Which you idealize or devalue in the case of paranoid. But you always interact with an introject. With internal object, not the real partner. If you are narcissist you would idealize partner and you would continue to interact with idealized image that very often has nothing to do with partner. Or little to do with partner. Test is that you see the partner as she is. With flaws, shortcomings, mistakes etc. fantasy is adult version of splitting. Splitting primitive defense is she is all good all bad. If you are narcissist you are unable to integrate. You cannot split because you'd say she is bad. So you create fantasy – she is all good and you're all good. You still split because make her all good but you use your goodness to make yourself good. If she is brilliant and I own her, because she is in my head, internal object, it makes me beautiful and perfect. This process is called co-idealization. In a fantasy you never ever interact with the partner. Either you interact with introject of a partner or you use the introject to do something to yourself. Like to idealize yourself. It's no connection to reality. Reality is integrated. In reality you see nuance, subtleties, your expectations, you commensurate what partner can offer. In fantasy, the expectations are infinite. So you set up partner for failure.
In relationship when you give 100% of yourself you're setting up your partner for failure. Because your partner cannot reciprocate. She cannot give back 100% so she always fails. 100% is fantasy. No one can give 100%.
The minute you develop these unrealistic expectations of yourself and others, fantastic expectations, you're preparing the stage for Devaluation. Because she fails.
In relationships now you have to have an argument in the first 3 months over what cheating is about 15 f* times and it's never resolved. Nobody has one set of rules. It's more complex, extremely stressful to humans.
In 1952 the 1st edition of DSM had 100 pages. Text revision of 5th edition published in 2022 is 1100 pages. How do you explain this? We were complete idiots 60 years ago? Or something substantially wrong is going on.
Abuse is becoming comfort zone when you are in abusive relationship. Gradually you become habituated. It becomes comfortable. You develop comfort zone. You predict behaviour of abuser so you feel safe.
That's irony you feel comfortable. The more you are integrated in abusive relationship, the more you feel comfortable. At some point you stop feeling comfortable. That's when your healing starts. You develop dissonance. I want to be dont want to be with him.
It depends how you define healing of NPD. If you are talking about behavioural modification, the success rate if pretty high. Can modify behaviour of narcissist to render him less abusive, less abrasive, more socially acceptable.
We use the narcissist grandiosity, we tell him prove you can do it. But this is not accepted definition of healing. It's form of conditioning. Healing means a substantial change in dynamics in internal structures.
My view it is biological, brain. Psychopaths have hope, boderline has huge hope. Narcissists are hopeless. Utterly, it is a cancer of a soul. 4th stage cancer. It's an internal death verdict. It is experience of not being.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Part of recovery from complex trauma is giving up our addiction to the idea of "their" approval & love.
We can hold on to the fantasy that one day "they" will come around, or we can realistically build our own self-esteem, safety, & stability-- but we can't do both.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Be an encourager. The world has plenty of critic already.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
Find your own validation. Stop worrying about what others think.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When we don't grow up with secure adults with predictable behavior, we develop shame based beliefs. The main belief is that we are flawed or "bad." This creates intense self hatred (internalization), or we externalize this belief by projecting it onto others.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Optimism doesn’t come natural to trauma survivors because our brains are still scanning the environment for threats and danger.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Many people were told by a parent that they were a “difficult child” when the parent actually meant: “I’m having difficulty parenting and raising you is challenging me.” This would create so much less shame.
Overmind, TWITTER:
Don't lower your vibe to fit in someone else's life.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Friendly reminder: it’s ok if people don’t support your choices— that’s their choice. Learn to manage the disappointment and trust yourself to know what’s best for you.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
Accept the situation and move on.
introvert, TWITTER:
always recognize your worth
Overmind, TWITTER:
Forgive the person you were before you learned the lesson.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Neither you nor I are EVER going to have a different past or different genetics.
The hand we were dealt is the hand we were dealt. Life doesn't have a rewind button.
All we can do is what we can do: realistically size up the situation & make whatever decisions we can TODAY.
Dr. Thema, TWITTER:
Instead of following their blueprint, be the blueprint.
New Hope Quotes, TWITTER:
When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't
The Wily Survivor, TWITTER:
The narcissist does not and will not ever love you, or even like you. They do not have that ability. They want: a trophy partner to exploit, money, admiration, sex, housing etc.
They were the same with the previous partner and will be exactly the same with the future partner.
ッ, TWITTER:
You’re suddenly the bad person when you return the same energy
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
If your voice held no power they wouldn't be trying to silence you!
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissistic Personalities feel entitled to violate your privacy....
This is why we have laws..
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Speaking out is not the best solution for everyone.. Just FYI.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Our relationship w/ ourselves does not heal by accident.
If we've grown up unwittingly imitating the language & behavior of our bullies & abusers, it's going to take a conscious DECISION on our part to behave differently toward ourselves if we wanna feel & function better.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Gaslighting is like fighting a war where the enemy’s strategy is to convince you that the war isn’t actually happening.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You are NOT the emotional survival mechanisms you learned growing up.
There IS a "you" in there BEYOND the beliefs & behaviors you had to adopt just to get by.
Push pause; breathe; blink; & reconnect with who you really are inside.
The real "you" IS in there. I promise.
The Wily Survivor, TWITTER:
Pay attention to the people in your life that criticize you, then say:
"You're so sensitive"
"I was just kidding"
"You know I didn't mean it"
"I just want to help you"
They may be grooming you to start valuing their opinion over your own.
Narcissists are very, very sneaky.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We self sabotage when we haven’t learned to trust ourselves.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Just in case no one told you today... "You are good enough.*
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Authentic love doesn’t come from a place of “make me happy” or “complete me”— thats culture, selling codependency. Authentic love is creating a space to truly see another human being.
Adam Fare 🖤🤍💜, TWITTER:
It’s not your fault that you’re unwell, and no you don’t deserve it.
You deserve support, love and compassion.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Over-explaining or over-apologizing was how your child self tried to stay safe around dangerous or unpredictable adults. You no longer needs these patterns. Say ‘no’ or ‘I can’t’ & sit with the guilt. People respect directness, even if it feels rude to us.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Yes over apologizing is so common when we didn’t experience safety or predictability
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Say no firmly. You have the right to say no and not feel guilty. You also have the right to put your own priorities first. Stand your ground when you say no. Make sure the person knows that once you say no, you mean and it there’s no budging you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Say no firmly. You have the right to say no and not feel guilty. You also have the right to put your own priorities first. Stand your ground when you say no. Make sure the person knows that once you say no, you mean and it there’s no budging you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Say no firmly. You have the right to say no and not feel guilty. You also have the right to put your own priorities first. Stand your ground when you say no. Make sure the person knows that once you say no, you mean and it there’s no budging you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
I'm not always patient w/ myself. You're probably not always patient w/ yourself, either.
We're sick & tired of being sick & tired-- & we have a right to be.
But-- we're not gonna bully or pressure ourselves into feeling & functioning better. Just not gonna happen.
Ease up.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Thoughts aren’t truths and you are not your thoughts.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
we don't need to agree on everything...
SerenitySpeaksTruth, TWITTER:
Narcissistic parents never want their children to gain the skills and confidence needed to be independent.
They want to keep the child co-dependent of them to serve their own selfish needs.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The false self is the persona we created for parental and societal approval. We can only live in it for so long before we breakdown emotionally. It’s this breakdown that starts us on the journey of finding our authentic self. Or what some call: waking up.
@survivorstrong3, TWITTER:
Vulnerability is a super power. Owning & being ok with feeling powerless & scared without lashing out is a super power. Tending our collective wellbeing & choosing actions which make those connections healthy are a super power. Power isn’t control over others. It’s self control.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Resilience & tolerating disrespectful behavior are two very different things.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Not everyone will like you, that's life.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
First thing every morning: take a deep breath and remember who you are. Do it again during the day each time you forget.
Narcissist Facts 101, TWITTER:
Narcissists have a compulsive need to feel special and superior to everyone else, and they leech other people's time and energy to enforce their delusions. Their whole existence is fueled by gaining power and control over their targets and victims.
introvert, TWITTER:
one day ur heart won’t be as heavy.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
normalize being private af and not telling everybody everything
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Toxic people will play the victim and make you the villain in their story when they can't control, gaslight, or manipulate you.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
You’re NOT lazy.
You’re exhausted from hiding/masking your neurodivergence.
*your authentic, beautiful, colorful brain is welcome HERE, and please practice taking time to rest.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Art is therapy. Dance is therapy. Sobbing on the kitchen floor is therapy. Play is therapy. Setting a boundary is therapy. Allowing someone else to see you is therapy. Find your therapy, prioritize it, and let it heal you.
- Psychologically speaking, what do you call someone who stopped having attachment/feelings/emotions towards people, but is still a normal and decent friendly person?
- I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder back in 2011 and I have these lack of feelings which you describe.
It seems to happen mostly during the worst times for me, I find myself feeling completely detached. I have this horrible empty feeling, no emotions and totally blank inside. But I can still smile and be nice to people…it’s almost like I’ve blocked my feelings off.
But I still know how to treat somebody right and give a hug when it’s needed
- Generally speaking they would fall under either dissociative identity disorder or antisocial personality disorder.
Quora
https://www.quora.com/Psychologically-speaking-what-do-you-call-someone-who-stopped-having-attachment-feelings-emotions-towards-people-but-is-still-a-normal-and-decent-friendly-person
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We have a society full of people with arrested development. Raised in homes where we couldn't go through each stage of childhood development and mature. This is why it's so important to reparent ourselves, because we become children in adult bodies.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Feelings aren’t facts.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Before you question if you’re losing your sanity, first check someone isn’t gaslighting your reality.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
When you tell someone they don’t have “willpower” what you likely mean to say is, “you must struggle with dopamine regulation.”
When you tell someone “you are lazy” what you likely mean is “you have a brain chemistry challenge related to a possible neurodevelopmental disorder.”
Josh…, TWITTER:
“Manipulation is when they blame you for your reaction to their disrespect.”
C.G. Jung Foundation, TWITTER:
"Emotion is the chief source of all becoming-conscious. There can be no transforming of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotion." - Carl Jung
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
A Narcissist will value the opinions of strangers over their own family.
(13.1.2023)
I use term "mentally ill" for aggressive people, rude people, toxic people. This is not medical term that I can / am allowed to officially use - instead I use it as an outlet. I am not psychiatrist to diagnose people. I reserve my right to be politically incorrect so that I can be with errors and flaws and not present myself as goodie or god like perfection. And I do think that rude, aggressive people who are rude all the time as a mechanism to exploit kind and nice people are on some level sick in the head. I do not believe that normal and healthy person would do that, for whatever trauma someone might struggle with. We can have control over hurting another human being no matter what level our IQ is or empathy - even for those without empathy, they still can recognize with intellect what are the boundaries of common sense.
With that being said, I believe that unrecognized mentally ill people mimic the healthy ones and hence infect vulnerable, traumatized yet open, friendly, nice, sensitive people who are unaware that toxic people exist, that toxic people use specific manipuation tools to control their targets.
Psychopaths enjoy and seek to physically hurt people who are calmed, to eventually kill them - and hiding emotions is their tool and technique how they keep this murder scheme under control. They project and then they are contageous to highly sensitive people to force their targets to hide their emotions. Men will be labeled as sissy in order to hide anything authentic and to control someone by labeling anything about to be feminine. Emotions are therefore used as a tool to control and manipulate someone.
When narcissists, psychopaths are confronted with facts, they will claim that they are not aware. They will never admit wrongdoing, it is unreasonable to expect that they will claim that they are aware of their actions. This means we need to speak up and speak out, self censorship is trap that keeps our emotions hidden and we'll self pathologize ourselves if we do not point out wrongdoings.
After I watched Sam Vaknin and Richard Grannon videos from the summer of 2022 - I got enormous insight into psychology which confirms everything that I am writing here on this blog for the past 2, 3 years.
All symptoms and diagnosis for social anxiety are mirroring narcissism. Narcissism is contageous. It is not intrinsic, social anxiety is really not a symptom nor diagnosis. I see it like a dent in a car from the inside. The forced dent on the exterior is narcissism and the receiving side on the other side is social anxiety trauma. So as I actually said it before in my comments and I believe here on the blog - we need to learn about narcissism in order to learn about social anxiety too. It is much easier to navigate through toxic shame, inner critic, general bad feelings and emotions when someone is rude - when we know the mechanism of narcissism. If we do not have insight about narcissism, we will tend to take the blame on ourselves about everything - as the dent should - from the inside the dent is pointing towards us. While narcissist can't help but to hit and make dents. Without insight about narcissism we are left to CBT explanations about social anxiety, that social anxiety is explained as own fault, and hence social anxiety ends up being an internalization of a belief that you are unworthy, broken, lost, fragile. These beliefs are inside narcissists, they caused them to develop fantasy and false self so that they do not feel vulnerable and fragile and all those messages from the abuse about being inept etc.
So the dent is transferring those beliefs onto us - and CBT is joining into this hysteria of blame and victim shaming.
In social anxiety any criticism, any strange event almost always related to someone criticizing our incompetence appears as life threatening. This is replica of narcisstic injury. Both socially anxious and narcissists are terrified of criticism and both react as catastrophe to it. But the difference is that socially anxious person will depend on abuser to explain reality and hence cause fear and panic and submission and subordination to the critic without ever questioning the validity of it - and narcissist will deny any criticism through rage and aggression without questioning the reality of their own fantasy of how life should be.
Narcissists do not take into consideration details about safety and how other people use anything that narcissists are producing or handling. HSPs do care and take into consideration plethora of people. This way narcissists in charge are less expensive and much quicker to satisfy corporative goals - and that explains narcissists in managerial positions.
For narcissists in managerial positions it is hard and difficult and lazy and strenous and irritating to actually think about and think over of others and safety of others - it is impossible since they see others as objects and their fantasy as reality. And this is the reason why HSPs are natural leaders - and this is the reason why narcissists target HSPs - we are their natural competition. Narcissists sense the expression and talking and socializing as important areas in life for success in anything - and this is what is targeted with social anxiety trauma. To destroy leadership in HSPs is to make them isolate and avoid life and people.
From this position social anxiety is dangerous and it should be destroyed. But this is Catch 22. If we decide to destroy our anxiety - it will make it bigger since the brain will interpret now anxiety about anxiety - and this is what keeps us trapped in trauma. It is a perfect trap to keep someone silent and destroy them inside. We need to become aware of this - social anxiety must be seen as reaction, as trauma - something that is alerting us of unseenm undeclared war.
When the abuse happens I will dissociate - which means I will stop doing what I like or what I need to do. I covered this in early blogs where I mentioned Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde effect - hypervigilance. This is pretty much clear and easy to understand the mechanics what is happening. I would like to point out that actually what I like - with social anxiety history - is based on the fear. What we like and what we dislike will and should eventually build our persona, character, our self worth. What happens with social anxiety trauma is that what I like is not what I would like if there was no bully event which trapped me in isolation in times when I was suppose to form my likes and dislikes. Now with social anxiety hampering the childhood - I like being inside, watching media for example. Outdoor activities are not that much in great level - even though before bullying event I prefered being outside and playing. This part needs healing. Our likes and dislikes will be broaden when we start to understand what happened with trauma. The abusers, bullies will target our likes and dislikes and use it as a weapon of attack - by mocking, complaining, punishing. This means - external referencing locus of control must go. My likes and dislikes must never again be determined by groupthink and conformism.
CBT will instruct to hide anger, to stifle it down and that we control our reactions to aggressive people - and this will lead to people pleasing since without the anger we cannot fight and create defense. The point of being regulated is not that I am zombie and that I do not feel anything just for the sake of happiness.
After I watched animated movie from 2015 "Inside out" - apart from realizing that emotions carry and pick memories around - which is pretty straightforward yet I was totally blind to it - is that actually something is destroying my memories when I am triggered. I noticed this phenomena in the year 2000 - back then I called this amnesia. Sam Vaknin reminded me about this and now I see it in cartoon - that memories can be dumped into chasm. What I noticed is that when I am triggered I forget certain helpful attitudes - such as Meh! meme with RuPaul. When someone is abusive I noticed it helps me to have attitude to dismiss it much easier with this image in my head - than to be left on my own devices which is usually replay stuck grove record of past negative experiences and potential new ones in the future. Why protective good memories vanish? Are they overshadowed? What happens that memories of bad experiences from the past and potential in the future - are dominating my memories and focus of thinking. If the brain is made for survival - this does not help in surviving since I fawn in reaction - I give into the predator to do whatever they want. I understand the conditioning is probable cause and that brain is conditioned to certain thinking patterns. But I want to understand what happens when I am hypnotized into dismissing helpful ideas. If I know what mechanism happens - I might reverse the panic and fears which follow the memories and ideas of impending doom. If I am conditioned to focus on bad memories from the past and future imaginary ones - I do not understand how conditioning can remove new memories which did not exist in the past when I was conditioned to worry and to be hypervigilant and being afraid of punishment. If there is some kind of element inside my head which is removing new memories - that help build confidence - what is it? Is it part of my psyche that is fulfilling commands which has super ability to detect new memories and dump them into background - or is it external factor -
where exorcism might help in such case.
I noticed that regulation is connected with remembering old helpful data along with acquiring new ones.
Standing up for myself and speaking up - must be recognized as a new memory that can help me to put focus - as I believe all the healthy and non traumatizied individuals naturally have inside them. I do understand that ability to supress reactions to bad things is equal to enabling the abuse. Narcissists and abusers are here where they are - thanks to public ignorance in the past. All the people who ignored their anger, temper tantrums, mood swings have enabled them to come this far since abusers never were taught that their aggressive actions are wrong and punishable.
When people are abusive and aggressive and rude and hysterical - and when this comes out as explostion and attack always without any valid reason - with social anxiety trauma we will internalize it as personal guilt and shame and it will set of dysregulation inside us - which we might pathologize if we listen to CBT and make it worse. What I learned with psychology facts - is that when someone is aggressive and rude - that the message they send is not the message that comes out of their mouths. Usually they demand perfection and they blame us for our mistakes, flaws as incompetence. Since they live in fantasy world and demand that world fawns to their fantasy. The true message they send it that they hate themselves for being weak, incompetent and vulnerable - and they cannot process this feelings. I see that empathy and HSPs are aware of this trauma - and we will tend to fawn, shut up and self censor, since we understand that they are actually hurting. And from our toxic empathy point of view - we must not add up stress and trauma to them.
This is fallacy.
This is wrong conclusion - it does not work. When we are silent to bullies - they will not calm down - they will become worse in the future. If we are calmed down - we won't be. We won't get regulated by suppressing our anger as reaction to someone being rude and hysterical to us. With people pleasing and CBT and false detrimental messages from various sources who do not understand trauma - shutting up to someone abusive adds up new layers of trauma, make us immobile and afraid of living. With toxic empathy we believe if we only shut up we will carry on without scars or attack. We won't. New trauma layers will be added up - someone being abusive adds up the package of shame and guilt already present. Being kind to someone who is toxic and unkind will not make them better and they will not change into good person. The only thing that works is defense, verbal defense, self expression.
We will feel hard and deep trauma physical responses and full blown panic when we speak back - and we will forget retort sentences or advocacy. Our resources to speak our side of story and expose their irrational conclusions - we won't have any arguments to defend ourselves at the very moment when they abuse - due to amnesia. Which happens due to conditioning in formative years.
So the only way is to break the ice - which means we need to become hysterical ourselves and break our empathy basic inner core that builds us up. Yet this breaking the ice with hysteria and being totally rude to someone who is rude is necessary. This process we never completed in our formative years due to abuse and bullying - we never broke this ice and now we are stuck in trauma, people pleasing and being pushover. With time when we do break the ice our mind will have more capacity to calm down in the future - and we won't need to by hysterical in such extend as the first time.
I see this breaking the ice needs to repeat itself in various events, occasions and with different situations and with different people. Breaking the ice is step which is counter-intuitive and appears super dangerous and difficult and draining - because it is. When we break the ice - it is highly likely that the person or situation on the other side is extremely toxic and the obvious future path is breaking the contact and potential relocation. With people pleasing and trauma - we lean on our empathy with the hope that all the world must be friendly and everyone must be friends with everyone and that no one must harbour negative feelings. This is fallacy we were conditioned to believe and this keeps us stuck in trauma and people pleasing, fawning as automatic trauma reaction.
When people are rude to us and when we fawn, we don't really listen to them - we don't receive the important details as such requesting us to shut up. We only hear their accusations about our mistakes in order to exploit our empathic need not to harm anyone with our actions and our brain shifts attention into processing all the possible solutions how not to harm anyone - which usually is nonsense since they are pathological liars and projecting their own insecurities into us and we believe them. The truth is when someone tell us to shut up or whatever - this is clear message to cut contact. These are strong words that have serious repercussions - which we take slightly, we dissmiss them and we try to please them instead. We are focused into gaining their trust and approval and that is how abusive people hypnotize us into automatic fawning. Due to trauma we are probably isolated for long periods of time and someone talking to us appears as connection and as friendship at least at some basic level that promises to get better if we only correct ourselves and become ideal. That is not working, that is fallacy, we cannot change something inside ourselves that is not broken and that some twister person labels as broken. When someone is rude to us - we need to shift our attention from people pleasing and trying to connect and build interdependence as we were been taught with toxic empathy - into the reality: and that is that we will be alone and we will move away from such people and toxic ambient in general. And that is where social anxiety aspect of avoiding is valid. Social anxiety trauma is harming us by keeping us stuck in worry and people pleasing trauma response while social anxiety itself is natural brain logical perfect defense against toxic people - that we isolate from someone who is spreading virus around.
We cannot build connection, partnership, foundation of any kind of connection with someone who is narcisssitic, borderline and living in their own fantasy world. With toxic empathy we see all people as humans - and this keeps us trapped in false belief that with kindness and our love that somehow bad people will become normal. They won't.
The true message that toxic people spread - is that they do have hidden agenda - but it is hidden - it is not obvious. When someone is hysterical they do have some secret goal, they live in their fantasy world, and this hidden goal, hidden reason why they are abusive is something that we detect with social anxiety symptoms. I am talking here that we need to be aware that when someone is triggering us - that what they say is mostly lies - which we believe due to conditioning. We try to have toxic empathy and integrate their spoken words as automatic truth. I see that the change is needed in how we regard and explain our own social anxiety panic symptoms. I am talking here about externalizing symptoms - and explaining to ourselves that when we feel social anxiety panic trauma happening inside us - that the person who are triggering us is devious, they have hidden agenda why they are doing this - and it is not obvious to us. So instead of fawning and people pleasing them, instead of worrying about our trauma reaction - our focus must be directed in the sense of cutting this person off. If we don't, they will fulfill their hidden agenda. They are dangerous, they live in fantasy world - our panic reactions are completely justified. We are reacting to someone who is psychopath, who is externalizing their psychotic fantasy through rage and invalidation. It has nothing to do with us - although they will have prepared reasons of our own supposed trasspasses and transgressions.
Many people will get wrong information and data about us - and base their anger and rage on wrong information - and we won't know that this happened. With toxic empathy we will try to please them while they hold grudge against us about something we did not do at all. And they will interpret our people pleasing as confessing our supposed crimes that they believe in.
That is why being nice, kind, fawning, shutting up to someone aggressive and rude is dangerous - our toxic empathy and inner critic will try to convince us that we must be kind and nice always no matter what is context. This belief is wrong.
Toxic empathy is also conditioning of taking care of someone - codependency really. This will spring up with toxic people as intrusion - they will ask intrusive questions which are non of their business - but due to conditioning and toxic empathy it will be explained without words that they are helping, that this is an unwritten sign of good will, friendship and being nice. That they extract personal information and then make judgements and conclusions how we suppose to manage our life. Very soon this "help" ends up as orders, commands, control and manipulation and our toxic empathy will explain this coercion as help, being friendly and CBT will explain that we must make connection with all people no matter what their hidden agenda is or how they behave. Intrusive is sign of psychopathy, it is not normal to be intrusive - especially not to strangers and adults who can take care of themselves.
When I talk here about hidden agenda, covert message - I am talking about them being criminally insane. People who are hysterical and aggressive - they do illegal activities which they successully hide. They have to - in whatever form - since they live in delusion, they are convinced in being grand in their world, they will allow themselves to break the law in some way or another - hidden away from everyone's observation. With social anxiety symptoms we feel their hidden crimes - and it is not our task to worry, analyze or be preoccupied by them. We need to treat them as object, as they treat others the same way. They are not human beings. We need to put down our high moral and ethical standards and allow ourselves to do the unthinkable - to dehumanize another human being. This inability to lower our moral and ethical standards are keeping us trapped inside social anxiety trauma. Social anxiety is healthy, it is natural signal and alarm that someone dangerous is around us. Social anxiety trauma is being stuck in processing this information without knowing how to resolve it - and our high moral and ethical and empathic standards are keeping us trapped in fear - and this way we enter narcissitic world, or better wording would be - we allow ourselves to be colonozied by sick demented dangerous people.
The only way to get rid of parasites is to connect with our own dark side and do things that we would never ever do to another human being.
Cutting contact actually does not mean only physical contact.
It also means cutting supply - cutting our niceness, our empathy, our souls - we cut it off. We do not give it anymore. Cutting contact means not being nice any more with them, not having the same persona as we have with normal human beings. We put on a fake mask and treat them as animals or worse. That is what cutting contact really means. We cut contact with our core being and instead they get fake image of superiority and cruely and dominance. It is fake - since we are vulnerable and nice in reality.
How to react to narcissistic abuse - and I am talking about temper tantrums out of nothing. What would be a normal reaction to an adult who behaves like 2 years old? At the job it is amazing that angry people are accepted and normalized to be as such, and if we make a scene as a reaction to their unfair treatment - we are labeled as crazy or over-sensitive. Nobody is bothered by abusive person, since they are afraid of retaliation. We might learn retort words to speak out in calm manner, as many assertive training books and videos will explain to us - however, due to trauma, as survivors of such abuse in the childhood - we will have amnesia. Our advocacy will fade away out of memory in that very moment and narcissists will colonize our minds. This means we will become 2D creature without rights that is handled and controlled by abusive bully parasite psychopath. This happens automatically. We know it will happen and it happens. Since the situation where this happens will always follow the 2 conditions:
1) the abusive person will over-react over insignificant mistake we done or flaw, something that we cannot prevent. Since abusers are egocentric and mesmerized by their reflection, they only see distorted reality where other people are 2D creatures without own history, circumstances. We exist only as background unimportant characters in their own fantasy world and they treat us as such. So if we do something outside of their imaginary preconception of how the world should look like and how other people should behave - they will be triggered, since we destroyed their fantasy world. We become reality and they cannot handle it, it triggers their panic, the same panic that we feel when they start to abuse us. They transfered this panic into us. And we won't have defenses due to trauma and due to simple fact that they are making a scene over nothing, over smallest insignificant thing. How can we react when we know it is small and nothing - we won't. We will simply go over it, turn to their slave and dance as they play. But this is not so simple. When someone treat us like garbage even though we have not deserved it, even though we made everything possible to avoid mistakes - their unfair criticism will affect us. The idea to be calm and to do nothing is actually repression of our emotions and this leads to plethora of illness.
2) we will be in "inferior" position. This means we need something, some kind of information, or data, service, relatonship. Whenever we are in contact with someone there is always some kind of exchange even when it is not material. Narcissists are preoccupied with their own reflection in the mirror and they expect the world to fawn to this fantasy distorted image - which of course we cannot see. Our needs are not important. Anything they need to do for someone else is reality, it hurts them and causes pain to them. So it is no wonder that when we need something, when we are in position to ask something for them, they will go on rampage. Our basic needs cause narcissistic injury in them. They may mask it as being passive aggressive and they will certainly make us to be bad guy - that we are selfish for bothering them - and if we are not aware of what is going on they will dominate and control and manipulate us. We have certain rights. We know there is equal exchange whenever there is a need that we seek. We pay for some service. In friendship we treat other person with respect, it is token of good will and expression of trust we have in this person. We do this automatically but this is basic mechanics of give and take. Narcissists can do this fair exchange since all they see is distorted image of their fake world and that is all that matters. With our own trauma, growing up in environment where we were criticized all the time, we learn to take for granted our own rights and our own needs. So when as adults we meet someone narcissistic, this abusive person will fill in the missing information for us - they will take away our rights immediately and they will impose their own needs. Since we do not know what we want, they will tell us what we want and that is to serve and fawn to them. If we stand up for ourselves, we will feel panic - since this fear has been conditioned inside us due to trauma years. Our emotions of fear and panic are fused together with rude, aggressive, toxic person and their toxic behaviour. When we are in fear and panic - our brain goes into survival mode, cortex brain is swtiched off - and we are empty shell - exactely as narcissists are. They are empty inside and they made us empty too - and they forces us to serve their fake image world fantasy self inside them. They colonize us and they simply use our condition to fawn and freeze to abuse and any behaviour that is toxic, controling and manipulative.
This means - our natural and normal functions will be rendered useless. Now our high moral and ethical standards are used against ourselves:
1) since the abuser will over-react over smallest things - our toxic empathy will explain that we must have understanding and shut up and self censor so that we do not make scene, not to rock the boat and take care of person in distress. We do not see narcissist as cancer - we see them as wounded human being. We do not see them as flesh eating zombie monster parasite - instead due to toxic empathy we see them as sensitive person that sometimes show care and they are in hard environment - so we must not add more burden onto them. Now our empathy is working against ourselves - it works normally - it is its job to not be egocentric. However the problem is that the narcissist is not a human being. Their mind is not functioning as normal human being mind and their every action is cancer, their every action and word is destroying healthy tissue which comes into contact with them. This is what we need to become aware of, upgrade our intrusion list and educate ourselves what we are dealing here with. They are not people. We need specific regime how to treat them. We cannot treat them as we normally treat other human beings as we were taught by society and environment. Kindness and being nice will be used against ourselves - these normal and healthy tools and mechanism of connecting with people will not work, it will destroy us. We will end up with illness.
2) Second, as our normal functioning (empathy and sensitivity) has been used against us - in the same way trauma is used against us. Since we were conditioned to grow toxic shame inside us implanted by narcissists while growing up - we won't have self worth. We won't see ourselves as on par with other people. We won't know what are our rights. That is what narcissists will target. Their screaming and unkindness is testing ground to check who is traumatized. They know that when they throw temper tantrums that certain people will fawn to them and appraise and appease them. They know that scared people once they detect them will shut up and self censor and they they will never confront them. This is what keeps us hooked in social anxiety. First our persona and personality, thinking and seeing the world is normal and healthy and it sets us up to treat other people with kindness. With trauma we do not have tools and mechanisms to put our needs into focus - and this way we self sabotage ourselves. Our good and healthy parts of ourselves become too much burden and it is suffocating ourselves - since we do not have support columns inside it to hold it elevated. Due to trauma we cannot build support system that will keep our high moral and ethical standards away from hurting ourselves. Nobody is perfect - with trauma we were instructed that we must be perfect for abusive and controling people and to forfeit our expression our needs our Self and let it go - and serve someone toxic instead. So the mechanism which would prevent this - such as anger does not exist - and we are left with empathy which now turn toxic. This is colonization. Our empathy is now used to serve toxic person. Their needs become the only thing in the world that is important and everyone else - including our own needs are 2D representations, distorted and away in the background. And we have no idea how to fix this- how to come back to ourselves since we lack self worth, our centre of attention is not inside us, locus of attention is not inside us - due to trauma it has been made to move into abusive, loud, controling, manipulative people who are screaming and yelling. Their nitpicking and criticizing is Pavlovian dog Skinner's box training bell that make us automatically become slaves to toxic people.
That is the question here actually - how to break this spell, hypnosis that trauma forces us into reaction of fawning and freezing. That is the core of social anxiety.
So we can see now that our natural reactions such as avoidance, fear, panic - are not bad at all. These are all alarms to our deepest parts of ourselves that we are being invaded by invisible, dangerous entity which uses our empathy to make us immobile and zombie slave to them. We won't notice the invasion since we will have full empathic understanding of someone who is so small stupid and insignificant that reacts to small things as some major problem that we must solve and fix for them (the hook), plus our trauma on the other hand will make us believe we are inferior, that we have no rights and that it is our task to depend on other person to tell us what to do and how to think, what is reality. Trauma is blocking our own reality - as much as narcissists are blocked to theirs. They simply use aggression to take control over kind, nice traumatized individuals around them. This does not ends in master and slave relationship as it looks like. This act of invasion and colonozation is destruction of our mind, physical and mental health. We will suffer and develop illness and our colonized empathy will explain that one day our kindness and patience will change them, we simply must remain passive and subordinate and do as they demand from us.
Once we understand what is really going on - we need to remember that narcissistic abuse, someone being controling and manipulative - that our own toxic empathy which is now colonized by trauma and abuser - will explain to us that somehow the life will change with time. It won't. It will not get better. They will not magically start to remove their egocentrism, they will not have insight - so any sign of abuse is relationship destroyed. The abuse is destroyed of contact. With toxic empathy we are afraid of this. We want peace, we want everyone to be happy and to take care of each other - that is unrealistic, it will never happen with someone abusive. They will simply grow old and die - leaving dozens of empathy, HSPs and all sensitive, nice, kind, healthy people in ruins with trauma and social anxiety issues trapped for life. Abusive people are cancer and they are signal that they destroy all contact, all relationship, any partnership - it is destroyed, it cannot be re-built, it cannot magically turn into being healthy. It is destroyed. In reality this means we will need to turn to other resources, change job, change town, relocate, change country, never contact them. Toxic empathy will become hook that narcissists will use through honeymoon period, hovering and grooming to hook us back by our toxic belief that they changed and become better normal healthy person.
With self worth inside us we will understand that our empathy, care, giving is extremely precious, it is a crime that our love and actions and sympathy are wasted on someone who is anti-human and a cancer.
With empathy we are vulnerable and we will admit that we do not know something. With trauma and narcissists around - we will become like narcissists - since they will train us to feel shame when we make mistake. So we will pretend we are not vulnerable by suppressing our emotions. We won't share what we need. We won't admit being wrong, we won't apologize - this way we will destroy relationships and we will end up being isolated with narcissists as the only company. Narcissists will explain that we must be manly, strong - their messages will appear as good advice, as they care for us that their temper tantrums and rage are some kind of building the character mechanism so they somehow help us to be strong. This is colonization. That is their attempt that we fawn to their fake fantasy image of human being - idealized self that cannot exist in real world since real world contains vulnerability and mistakes. We will never be able to take any kind of action in life - since all actions contains mistakes and any action can be labeled as mistake by someone even though it is not objectively true nor truth. Narcissists will implant the belief that we simply need to try harder and fix ourselves and change our patterns, that our thinking is sick, that we are not worthy enough as we are. This way CBT is narcissistic tool of self abuse through self pathologizing our natural panic reactions we feel to abnormal people.
This inability to be vulnerable is destruction of our self, authentic self. This inability to admit mistakes is toxic shame. It doesn't feel like toxic shame, it feels like command and instruction we received by toxic people around us, it feels like obligation and something that must be fulfilled.
Then when we face some toxic person - we will be too proud to admit that we do not know something and instead we will fawn and listen to their abuse how we did something wrong. We won't be able to say "I never do this so I do not know it. How can I know something I never do". Or "This is not my job, this is your job, you know how to do it - I can learn and that is none of your business."
We need to be vulnerable to speak the truth - and with trauma we are not vulnerable. With trauma and abuse we see vulnerability as sickness and that is narcissism implanted inside us. Since we are not narcissists ourselves, with time we will come in contact with healthy people and with time we will be vulnerable with them - only to be triggered by toxic people who demand perfection - and our conditioning to shut up and not defend our rights will render us passive and immobile, we won't be able to protest nor to disagree.
We won't even be aware of actual words vulnerability - we won't see what is happening as destruction of vulnerability, we will lack words to describe it - and we will go automatically with behaviour and actions we learned as kids: to shut up and fawn and take on the blame, admit whatever they accuse us and take our punishment in silence without any protest. This needs to go. This is sickness implanted by narcissists, this is cancer being injected inside us and that is causing social anxiety symptoms, alarms that something foreign and toxic is inside us.
Abuser will feel entitled to abuse - they will see our weakness, mistakes, vulnerability as sickness and they will go on rampage to destroy it. We can say don't yell at me - since their screaming alone will trigger our trauma - but it won't help, and if we stay with them they will be even worse. In job situation where we cannot leave - we need to be aware of our self worth, that we keep locus of control inside us. Their mood swings, temper tantrums are an attempt to steal locus of control away from us into them. So that they are in our attention and that we fawn over to their fantasy image of how the world must look like.
We will feel panic when we stand up to this treatment. Normal healthy people when they go in anger mode, temper tantrums - these are incidents and they feel ashamed for it. It shows lack of maturity and since we are all imperfect we cannot expect all people to be civilized and fully matured. We are all growing. As much as we never matured due to arrested development due to trauma and abuse - so other people for whatever reason they did not reach full maturity. In such case it is imporant for us to speak up and alarm and alert them. I am saying this because our toxic empathy will try to convince us not to rock the boat - neither with narcissists nor with normal people who are having a bad day. Shutting up will give a green light for such behaviour to happen again, even in its worse form, and this is what toxic empathy will not see, that is why it is toxic. It is rigid, it does not see consequences nor future - it is just as narcissism - focused on the here and now and immidiate satisfaction of some need or resolution from the pain. Just like two year old baby. This is understandable for a baby - but for an adult this is highly toxic - inability to see other people and future results of our actions.
With normal and healthy people - we can actually do something what will never work with narcissists: we can say no and disagree with them, reject and refuse their request.
In healthy connections - there is interdependence - there is a task that needs to be done. This task is in a common interest. It is not private property of a narcissist. There is a give and take situation. So when problem occurs normal and healthy people will take into consideration the common good, common goal, common interest.
With narcissist - we are seen as a threat, as a nuissance, as the cause of problem. Our inability to perform in perfection is seen as pain - and they are inable to see all the environmental background system, they are not able to see the other person's needs, they only see something to take away from us while our own needs, our own circumstances, our own vulnerabilities and limitations are seen as disgusting, painful and rubbish - and that is how they treat us. And we end up with social anxiety panic symptoms. It is not hallucination as CBT describes social anxiety. We really feel someone treating us as garbage and it is real. Narcissists are not retarted, they do not have low IQ - so they will learn how to mask their true nature with plethora of mechanisms and tools to make us look like bad guys who are sabotaging everything. Faced with false accusations we will shut up due to trauma - and this way narcissists will win and they will feel good about it, it will be reinforced to repeat the learned aggressive inhuman behaviour into next situation with the next victim. And we will end up with agoraphobia, immobility and isolation and illness.
Narcissists now has free range to parasite and take opportunities in life as they naturally come - and we won't be there, we won't be active. We will be scared, isolated and away from all opportunities in life. Exactely as narcissists see the world - that is it their source of satisfaction of their own selfish needs - and other people are parasites and something to remove and destroy or put into slave inferior position so that they manipulate and control.
With this being said - it is now clear that the only way to stand up to the bully is to protest, disagree, say no, and to nitpick their mistakes, to speak reality, being objective and transparent, to be clearly said, voiced out what are my rights and what their actions are. The criticism and nagging and complainings are now our tools to fight back. With normal and healthy people nagging and complainings are realtionship destroyers, it is not healthy to use nagging and complaining with healthy people.
Therefore to handle abuse - we need to build a fake mask of superiority and treat narcissists as they treat us - as garbage. We can learn to speak out criticism in calm manner without yelling and screaming - which will be hard for us - so that is why we need fake mask. Our true self will never be able to treat another person with disrespect. That is why we need fake mask, some persona that is not real to us, that we put in front of us and use it as a way to communicate back to a narcissist. Put them down with facts, or fantasy. With true reality mixed with imaginary threats.
Apart from the mask - it is clear that the very fact that there is a narcissists - we need to be aware that this is also the end of connection with them. The ambient they are in - it is now condemned. We need to break any ties in order to break trauma bonding in whatever way, whatever that may mean in real life. Relocation, cutting contact, ignoring. I see reporting them as excellent way - that the word gets out. Bullies thrive in weak authority. Someone being abusive means that plethora of people in charge, in abuser's past ignored their behaviour for whatever reason.
Abusers will interpret their toxic behaviour as masculine and strong and that this is the only way to get by in life. So it may seem as if their abuse is normal and healthy and that it will not destroy anything in life. What abusers do is parasiting. They do not contribute to society, they leech from society. Whatever narcissist is doing - they are doing because they have an army of traumatized scared socially anxious individuals who support them and their lifestyle. Like us. With social anxiety we support abusers. Because our trauma is hypnotizing us to be silent and immobile. That is why social anxiety is alarm that we need to change and that we need to expel toxic people away from our lives, from our minds. In the same time we need to destroy abusers and build our inner world so that we mature ourselves - once we are automatically build to protect ourselves by allowing ourselves to be angry when something unfair is happening - we won't be stuck any more in learned defense mehanisms we were conditioned as kids: to fawn and to freeze.
The fake mask is needed for our inner peace. We need to make our inner self safe, that our inner core being will know that we will protect ourselves.
Having fake mask with someone abusive is not permanent. We won't become toxic person. In fact - it is the opposite. We do it because we want to protect our life and people from the evil. The abuse they inflict on us - they will inflict on other people as well. Toxic people will destroy anything in their ambient.
As I already said before - all people have social anxiety. The only difference between someone healthy, without trauma and us as socially anxious empaths with trauma - is that normal healthy kids have gone throught his process of allowing their anger to protect themselves from parasites in the age - when we were traumatized and bullies and when we isolated ourselves from others - so we never learned how to speak up and defend ourselves. We never completed the stage of growing up - and instead we build the mechanisms we only had at disposal - to isolate, freeze and later as we grew up we learn to fawn in order to function in life.
Isolated and alone, without contact - we were the polar opposite, exactly the opposite from the narcissist:
Narcissists invents false reality and put fake image of superiority as central place to worship.
Socially anxious traumatized victims and targets of abuse and bullying on the other hand put reality image of idealized society messages how people and life must look like. Hence we develop high moral and ethical principles as our guding compass and GPS. Nothing bad with that.
Except - in the presense of someone abusive, toxic and manipulative such as narcissists - we do not have tools to handle their control and aggression. We cannot fight someone who fights dirty with clean gloves.
Instead we need the same tools they use, which are not allowed in high moral super ego idealized instructions of how the world should look like. The tools we need to fight narcissists are not politically correct, they are on borderline with criminal activity. The narcissists are provoking their victims so that victim of narcissistic abuse crosses this boundary - and then the victim will be forced to use Reaction abuse which means that the victim will use methods which are abusive - and now magically nobody will see the true abuser who started and initiated the abuse. Everyone will see the effects of defense.
It is like Russia attacking the Ukraine - and any defense being labeled as nazi since it envolves weapon and war. Observers from afar, who never experienced bullying will never see Russia and their usage of military and weapons. They will listen to Russia explanation of invasion and go along with fantasy invented story.
That is why it is imporant to speak- process our hurt, write it out. We must never suppress and keep it inside. When we are being treated unfairly - we will shut up due to conditioning and toxic empathy and self sabotage that we learned in trauma years. Speaking up, telling our side of story- being authentic and speaking the truth is important. That is not what we were told as kids to do. Other kids grew up and they learned to advocate for themselves. They did not have narcissistic authority figure above them complaining about any mistake and ignoring and invalidating and mostly not taking care of us as we should be taken care of. We learn to shut up and be silent.
Narcissists learned to lie and to accuse others and blame others, never admitting their own wrongdoing. We as victims of abuse were taught to automatically take the blamd and punishment, without trial. Without advocacy. We were trained to forfeit our side - since we were been told everything wrong about us. We were been told everything we do is not enough, it is wrong and we are guilty for everything that we do and whatever happens - even when it is not connected to us. That relentless criticism is narcissistic abuse, it is psychological abuse, it is psychopathic abuse.
Social anxiety trauma is complex trauma, we were exposed to such abuse and now we are stuck, immobile and have panic issues and anxiety. This is not hallucination as CBT explains it.
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
Normalize reminding survivors that they are loved because narcissists work overtime at convincing them they aren't.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
Love-bombing, intermittent kindnesses, future-faking and hoovering are tactics of coercive control.
Overmind, TWITTER:
You can feel it in your soul that you’re being prepared for something special.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You owe absolutely zero respect to anyone that does not respect you. Never forget that.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Narcissists go after the things you care for the most, as these are the things that will cause you the most suffering.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
The real flex is teaching your boundaries to be stronger than your soft heart. Be kind but take no shit.
Narcissist Facts 101, TWITTER:
Narcissists don't discard you for someone “better”, they discard you for someone who can’t see through their patched-together persona and the towering walls of lies they surround themselves with. They only want enablers who fuel their delusional fantasies and feed their ego.
⋆, TWITTER:
Be selective about who you give your time and energy to.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Since we all try to hide our weakness, there is little be learned from our conscious behavior.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We're NOT gonna find that perfect relationship in which there's NO fear or possibility of being rejected or hurt. Not w/ a therapist, not w/ a lover, not w/ an institution.
We gotta create a sense of SELF that can SURVIVE & RECOVER when-- not if-- relationships go wrong.
You’re Not Crazy, You’re Just Dealing With a Narcissist | The Mel Robbins Podcast
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gS7uV6Bj0s
Mel Robbins
You realize you're not crazy. You're around somebody who's making you believe you are.
Rubber band theory of personality - we all have our personality, rubber band sitting there, but we can stretch it. A bit. But in times of stress we go back to our baseline personality.
Agreeableness is considered counterweight to narcissism. Narcissism personality style is disagreeableness or antagonism. Agreeableness: empathic, warm, flexible, make accommodation for other people, follow the rules, highly ethical. Opposite of narcissism.
Narcissism: low empathy, very entitled, arrogant, egocentric, chronic validation and admiration seeking, need to be in control all the time, poorly emotionally regulated, strong shows of rage if frustrated not getting their way, thin-skinned at feedback, criticism, superficial.
You cant change weather in chicago, you cant change personality type. Number one is acknowledgement. Narcissists view all people as objects. The rest of day they don't think about them at all, why would they, they don't need cup of tea. Do i need something from you, now you are my central focus, thinking about you. You are tea maker, learn your place. There is team around because everyone serves function for you. Narcissistic person is never thinking about you unless they need something from you. And if you were in serious relationship with narcissist or raised by them, you think about them all the time, you are ruminating. You won't be able to read their mind and get everything they want. Anticipate narcissists needs to finally win them over is not possible. None of us are mind readers. Give up. I can be the only person i can be living aligned with my value. I am not responsible. Stop taking bucket at empty well. Live my authentic part. Tell parent no, i didnt feel good last month. You know what will happen criticism humilation devaluation and invalidation. Either no or go at dinner with realistic expectations. Make it a game, bingo. Collect points for every validation.
Never ever call out narcissist. It depends what you want. If it's gotcha moment, ok. They're gonna rage at you, scream at you. And smear campaign now. They will be telling you're the one narcissist. And they're not going to change.
If all it is for you to say I see you, I think the better way to do to play that now change your behaviour. Stop being supply to them. Stop engaging with them. Stop taking the bait. “No, I haven't”.
True North is you need to figure out what in your life is worth fighting for. True North is What is healthy for you? When clients tell me 'I feel guilty', I'm like Tell me what you did wrong? Where is that wrong?
The reason you feel guilty is because if you don't do what they say that's wrong. That's what you were trained to believe. If parent like that or in relationship, you're almost indoctrinated into believing not doing is wrong.
What happens is Tantrum throwing, the shaming, gaslighting I didn't say that, toddler tantrum, is what actually has trained you to believe that not doing something that that person wants is wrong, that's why you feel guilty.
How do you get rid of that programming?
The only path in healing is getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. Why are you willing to tolerate pain in gym and you're not willing to tolerate pain here? Pain is pain, folks.
How empathic, authentic people protect ourselves from narcissists?
The hardest thing in the world is to be authentic. Because it is to be unpopular, to blaze your own trail even when people are stigmatizing you, giving you side eye “What are you doing”. “People don't do that”
Authentic people feel tremendous guilt but also feel committed to potential in them and people they care about. Ultimately giving in to this person's abuse is not doing me any favors for sure, people I care any favors.
Giving in to this person's abuse is not doing them any favors because it is reinforcing them in this sick cycle and I don't want to be part of this. Authenticity is not easy, authentic have smaller social network than other people
Some people say authentic people are selfish, they're cold, they're uppity, they'll paint them in “who do you think you are”. And all authentic person is trying to do is draw boundary against unhealthy people. It is not easy to do.
All of us have moments when we're not graceful. What we need to look at is how quickly and authentically we make amends. Quickly say That is not ok, I take responsibility for that. Me having bad day is not your problem.
Narcissists will never apologize. Unless publicist makes them, or because they try to save face. Or narcissistic apology “I'm sorry you feel that way”. I nod to that and I got to jump, close conversation. Some say this is passive aggressive, but there is no move forward.
One thing so many survivors are afraid of I don't want to lose my empathy and my compassion. Empathy and compassion doesn't mean you hang out and be someone's emotional punching bag. Not get into mud with them when raging at you.
You do recognize that narcissists are having their pain. But empathy and compassion doesn't mean you remain forever someone's prisoner. Narcissists are not thinking about you unless they need you. They need supply.
Narcissistic people care deeply how things look to the world. So it looks good to the world if you show up. Supply is not about having loving compassionate Thanksgiving. I need to look good. Tell me I have big family.
Narcissistic people feel entitled to you being there when they want you there. We're talking about narcissism so you can spot it and get distance from it. So that you understand; It is not about you. If feels like it is.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Some people will never change, they just find new ways to lie to you.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Emotional intimacy can be terrifying if you’ve never truly been seen.
Martin Bauer, TWITTER:
Mathematics wasn’t invented or discovered, it was extrapolated from physics.
Dr. Thema, TWITTER:
May you heal so much your taste changes.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
"Just let yourself feel" is tough advice to take when those feelings are almost all painful & often overwhelming.
Maybe if we can't accept our feelings, we can step back & accept our STRUGGLE to accept our feelings.
Easy does it. Start where you are.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
Survivors of domestic violence don’t leave - they escape. So when someone says “why didn’t you just leave” what they’re saying is “why didn’t you just escape” #respectsurvivors
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
healing starts when you realize you want or need or must leave...
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
Some online narcissists search for what they perceive to be the weaknesses in your posts. Then they zoom in for dissection and attack.
⋆, TWITTER:
heal so you don’t become the people that traumatized you.
Stevie., TWITTER:
Sometimes you need to stop seeing the good in people and start seeing exactly what it is they are showing you. You’ll get clarity…
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
We don’t have to agree on everything
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
we are stronger together...
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
Yes. Gaslighting is as much a tactic of coercive control as is the use of credible threat. In more insidious, nonviolent forms of coercive control I suspect gaslighting plays a prominent role. It is not emotional abuse designed to make you suffer, it is physiological abuse.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
(Have you accepted less because of your loneliness?)
just because you're thirsty shouldn't mean you have to drink the poison.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
A narcissist loves to micromanage and control others both online and offline. Online, a narcissist might be harder to detect, but beware of those that love to police your posts, bully you to consider the wording of your posts, or shame you for the facts you share.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
knowing the difference between who to cut off, and who to be patient with is everything.
Solé, TWITTER:
Stop asking for solutions from the people who are intentionally creating the problems.
Josh…, TWITTER:
My moral in life is simple: You treat me good and I will definitely treat you better.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Removing myself from energy vultures all 2023. ✨
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Normalize not forcing connections with people. If someone doesn't see the value in having you by their side, don’t try to convince them.
⋆, TWITTER:
Imagine if someone learned your love language just to treat you right and make you feel loved properly.
Lana Horowitz, TWITTER:
Narcissists are not smarter or more talented. They are just willing to stoop the lowest levels, to get what they want... things that a "feeling person" would never dream of doing.
~Unknown~
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Remove yourself from the lives of people committed to misunderstanding you.
Josh…, TWITTER:
I don't think people realize how much strength it takes to pull your own self out of a dark place mentally.
So if you've done that today or any day, I'm proud of you! ❤️
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
Those that discuss the nature of abuse as a shared responsibility due to the victim's 'codependency' 'self-esteem deficits' or 'people pleasing' or 'poor boundary setting' are damaging and present thoughts and ideas that are antithetical to your recovery and well-being.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
You cannot expect to live a positive life if you hang with negative people.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
I can accept failure. Everyone fails at something. But I can't accept not trying.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We're never going to have a better past.
But in trauma recovery, we CAN put together the pieces of our past in a way that doesn't blame us for things that happened TO us; things we couldn't possibly have controlled if we wanted to; things we've been carrying w/ shame for years.
BiasModification, TWITTER:
Instead of holding grudges, raise boundaries.
Aaron, TWITTER:
Social media has everyone rushing their goals. Remember comparison is a thief of joy.
Author, Loren Keeling - Post Separation Abuse, TWITTER:
Did you know? Denmark, Spain, France, Hungary and Ireland have implemented specific criminal offences for psychological violence or coercive control. And only Denmark and Ireland use the language of coercive control in legislation. Jul 14, 2022
Perfect Guidance 🧭, TWITTER:
Don’t overshare. Everyone is not your friend.
Perfect Guidance 🧭, TWITTER:
Be a better you, for you.
Wise Chimp, TWITTER:
Be good to people for no reason.
Perfect Guidance 🧭, TWITTER:
Trust your intuition. It never lies.
Perfect Guidance 🧭, TWITTER:
Never beg to be loved.
Mind Haste ⚡️, TWITTER:
Be alone until you’re valued.
Masculine Theory, TWITTER:
Never change who you are for a woman.
Perfect Guidance 🧭, TWITTER:
The best apology is changed behavior.
Positive Call | Mindset Coach, TWITTER:
Toxic people always act like they are the victim.
Mind Haste ⚡️, TWITTER:
When your intentions are pure, you don't lose anyone. People lose you.
Mind Haste ⚡️, TWITTER:
A person who is okay with being alone is a powerful person.
BeTraumaFree, TWITTER:
1/2 People who advise you to crush or deny your anger are not doing you any favors. Anger is one of the 4 primal core emotions that trigger automatically in your body. If anger is showing up for you, it is there for a reason and it is important to listen to it. #trauma
Psychology Papers, TWITTER:
Cut them off silently, they know exactly what they did.
MyNamesNotLinda33, TWITTER:
Better the hard truth than a comforting fantasy.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
https://exploringyourmind.com/verbal-abusers-control-your-conversations/
Let's talk about conversational control: refusing to respond, whataboutism, making conflict extremely unpleasant, lying, gaslighting...
it leads to restriction of communication, losing your voice
#coercivecontrol
Overmind, TWITTER:
There’s no relationship without trust and clear communication.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Hey. Do not lose you trying to appease “them”— or trying to prove “them” wrong.
It’s not worth it— but, more to the point, it doesn’t work.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
Sometimes bad people happen to good people.
Wise Chimp, TWITTER:
You can’t beat a person who never gives up.
Psychology Facts, TWITTER:
Psychology says, If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
Give them enough time and they'll slip up and show their true colors to the whole world, folks. #BelieveSurvivors #narcissisticabuse #NPD
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Get comfortable with being misunderstood and not explaining yourself. Let them sit in confusion. Sometimes ppl will attempt to make you validate yourself for their pleasure. No thank you. I know who I am — YOU do not.
Author, Loren Keeling - Post Separation Abuse, TWITTER:
Leaving an unhealthy or #abusive #relationship may be difficult and even dangerous. Avoid blaming or #belittling comments. Abusive partners usually put down their #victims regularly, so their self-esteem may already be low.
Vala Afshar, TWITTER:
this is important career advice: the fastest route is not always a straight line
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It makes a lot of sense that we might get defensive when someone's upset w/ us. When, growing up, we were shamed & punished for making mistakes, going into self-protective mode when we screwed up was an ADAPTIVE response.
Try to understand what "past" you is reacting to.
ᗰIᗩᕼ ᑕᗩᗰᑭᗷEᒪᒪ ♡, TWITTER:
Narcissists and Abusers don’t look like Narcissists and Abusers!
Essential Mastery, TWITTER:
You can feel when someone isn't being real with you. Energy never lies.
Josh…, TWITTER:
We're not accepting verbal apologies this year, only changed behavior.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
People's BS and fakeness are the main reasons why empaths like to be alone.
Recognize Who You Are | Joel Osteen
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTPVs3VXBRw
It is easy to go through life being defined by how we were raised, what we saw modeled growing up, what people have said, or mistakes we've made. We end up wearing those labels. Average, Not talented, Unattractive.
This distorted image is keeping us from who God created us to be. How you see yourself will determine how high you will go. It is possible to live your whole life and never recognize who you really are.
There is a potential on the inside that you have not yet tapped into. But if this is going to happen, you can't see yourself as weak, lacking, inadequate. Tune all that out and get into agreement with God. One of a kind.
“I'm dealing with these weaknesses”. That distorted image is going to keep you from shining. What a tragedy to go through life and never discover who you really are. Are you wearing labels that are limiting you?
“Dysfunctional” Who put those labels on you? Who told you that was who you are? Quit letting other people define you and go back to who God says you are. People will tell you you're not good enough, talented enough.
“I don't have courage, skill, expertise”. No, don't let your wrong perception keep you from your greatness. Take off all those negative labels, Unqualified, wrong family, intimidated. How you see yourself will set the limits for your life.
He would live and died and never discovered who he really was. You are not what people say you are. You are not limited by how you were raised. You're not what your feelings say you are. Your feelings don't always say the truth.
Don't let your feelings determine your identity. Feelings are fickle. Feeling will come and go.You have to go back to what your Creator says. He calls you masterpiece, prize possession. He was the answer he was asking God for.
When we are always looking for others, always counting on someone else, it's because we're overlooking what God put in us. There is leadership in you, talent, wisdom, creativity. Don't discount who you are.
Paul said in Romans 8, The entire universe is standing on tip toe, yearning to see the unveiling of God's glorious sons and daughters. Paul is saying, all of heaven is waiting for you to recognize who you are.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to love someone from afar.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Narcissists don't struggle with anger management issues, they can handle their anger just fine when potential witnesses are around.
SerenitySpeaksTruth, TWITTER:
Narcissists try to paint everyone as the “bad guy” when in reality, they ARE the bad guy.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Screaming at ourselves to DO SOMETHING DO ANYTHING DAMMIT COME ON is an EXCELLENT way to keep ourselves in paralysis.
Traumatized humans tend to shut down as the volume goes up.
If we realistically wanna move, we gotta learn to talk ourselves THROUGH these moments.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Don’t let anybody make you feel. Like you are nobody.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
A hard part of leaving a narcissist is accepting that you need to resolve all the conflicts by yourself.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
If someone chooses to start an argument with you right before a special occasion, a graduation, a holiday, a birthday, a test or just when you want to rest, a job interview, and then claims they don’t want to argue with you, they're trying to sabotage you.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We control or micromanage others when we don’t trust ourselves.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
After we experience trauma, our nervous system ISN'T interested in a nuanced conversation about our evolving ability to cope w/ a trigger. It will ALWAYS err on the side of avoidance.
Part of recovery is gently pushing back on that avoidance-- bit by bit, as we're able.
SerenitySpeaksTruth, TWITTER:
Narcissists love creating illusions of saving people.
They want to play a savior to the same people they plan on crucifying later.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
never accept disrespect.
SerenitySpeaksTruth, TWITTER:
Narcissists absolutely HATE to see others be educated on narcissism.
This is a TELL tell that the narcissist KNOWS what and who they are.
Because the more people that know them for who they really are the less they can deceive the innocent.
Wealth Inc, TWITTER:
Be humble on the outside, and confident on the inside.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Disagreements are fine, disrespect is not.
Alice Little-Survivor-Self Help Author, TWITTER:
Narcissists will force you into making them your whole life, then discard you when you do.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Signs of a High Soul Vibration:
1. Animals feel safe in your presence.
2. People stare at you in public.
3. Random strangers love to come to you and tell you their stories.
4. You can feel energy shift when you enter a room.
5. You irritate toxic people just by being you.
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
Kindness is not a weakness, the lack of boundaries is.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic people see your boundaries as revenge or as a personal insult on them, and think that you are nothing but a problem, but in reality, it's their toxic or abusive behaviors that led to those boundaries in the first place.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Kindness and boundaries aren't mutually exclusive. You don't have to be ruthless to stand up for yourself. You simply must stop entertaining disrespect. You just refuse to engage people, places, and things that insult you or your energy.
Kalen Dion
Orange Book 🍊📖, TWITTER:
Don’t waste your time with people who care more about “being right” than about finding the best solution.
Ash Alves, TWITTER:
Too much isolation can be a form of avoidance. Connection to others is a fundamental human need. You’ve got to know when to come out of isolation and let people in.
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
Reset, restart and refocus as many times as you need to. Just don’t quit.
Eric Kuelker, TWITTER:
DSM III was written when psychiatry believed that incest never occurred. They created a diagnostic system that entirely ignored the role of abuse, trauma, and neglect in childhood. DSM profoundly misleads people as to the actual nature of their suffering.
Lord Antinormal, TWITTER:
PHQ9 and GAD7 questionnaires used by NHS to ‘diagnose’ depression and anxiety were funded by Pfizer and made by Robert Spitzer, chairperson and key architect of DSM III.
"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love."
Marcus Aurelius
James Barnes, TWITTER:
Doesn't really work for those who are physically or mentally tortured, though, does it?
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
disarm is a great word...there is an unrelenting, slow, steady disarming under a campaign of #coercivecontrol
reggie mills, TWITTER:
Stay away from people that ruin your peace.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
Healing begins when the veil lifts; escape is like a surgery; establish safety & a recovery team; learn to live w/ what can't change; change what you can or must; slowly return to yourself & create the life you wish to live; when you have made it, reach out your hand to help.
BRCloth, TWITTER:
Have you ever totally removed someone from your life? Cut! Them! Off!
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
I really had to learn to stop taking everything personal to save my sanity.
Ryan 🖖 ♻️ 🌊, TWITTER:
Sociopathic #narcissists seem to think the more sociopathic/narcissistic a person is, the more "alpha" or "dominant" they are.
This is why they will never change. Everything that's wrong with them is what they're most proud of.
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
In our modern culture when someone is experiencing anxiety, sadness, fear, irritability health professionals assume something must be wrong w/ them.
What if we simply asked what are your emotions telling you? How can they serve you now?
Instead they get a prescription.
Unkonfined, TWITTER:
How people treat you when you’re not at your best says a lot.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Reminder: humans can feel multiple (conflicting) things at once.
TheManMaker ⚔️🛡️, TWITTER:
Being single is better than
Being with someone who leaves you confused, alone, unsure, and unloved.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
systems of coercive control don't allow for dissent nor disagreement...
we don't need to agree on everything all the time
do you agree or disagree?
Introvert Problems, TWITTER:
Is everyone getting more annoying or am I just getting angrier
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
The subtle, insidious coercive control of children is not any less damaging than the more overt, violent type of coercive control.
Josh…, TWITTER:
I was tiptoeing around people's feelings, while they stomped on mine. Never again.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Disconnecting from toxic people in your life is a gain, not a loss.
gary lee, TWITTER:
Industrial Psychiatrists are frauds it’s an industry death,
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
Who else believes 541 DSM psychiatric diagnoses is complete bullshit? 🙋♂️
They want you sick and dependent. It's a sick care system.
No more bystanders
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We lie to manage our perception or because it’s not safe to tell the truth.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Stop minimizing other peoples trauma because your resilience protected you. Some people didn’t have anybody or anything to protect them at all.
The Wily Survivor, TWITTER:
Just because the narcissist does not overtly insult you, does not mean that the verbal abuse isn’t happening. You’re just not realizing it. Eyes open 👀 everyone.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Once you develop that "it is what it is" mentality, a lot of things will stop bothering too much.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
Contrary to popular belief, love does not hurt.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic individuals know how to push your buttons because they installed them...
Covert bullying....
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
The real flex is choosing solitude over fake company and never going back to toxic people no matter how lonely you feel.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Forgive yourself for dealing with an abusive person incorrectly, abusive people don't come with handling instructions.
ᗰIᗩᕼ ᑕᗩᗰᑭᗷEᒪᒪ ♡, TWITTER:
If you ask a Narcissist to explain why they did the horrible things that they did, they will inevitably bring it back to something YOU said or did. None of that is true. Truth is, they are pathological liars who are heartless, manipulative and do damage beyond repair.
- Unknown
Lana Horowitz, TWITTER:
There is a difference between a good person who made some bad choices and are changing for the better.. and a narcissist who wants a second chance
The narcissist is built differently than other human beings and will never change. A second chance can be a disastrous decision
Narcissist Facts 101, TWITTER:
The phrase “there are two sides to every story” does not apply when dealing with narcissists. There’s the narcissist’s delusional, fabricated fantasy that only makes them out to be the hero or the victim, and then there’s the actual truth coming from their target/victim.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
A lot of people really dislike themselves and displace it onto others. What’s really scary is —- they usually have no idea they’re doing this — so YOU have to be aware of who you are at all times to protect your peace & sanity.
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
"Punishment" is just narcspeak for the establishment of boundaries. Be wary of the motives of anyone who feels that you protecting yourself is a personal attack against them.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
Coercive Control isn’t the same thing as simply being controlling or nagging. It’s a systemic, pervasive, persistent pattern of abuse characterized by dominating a victim, progressively undermining autonomy, agency and independence. It’s a liberty crime.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
They intentionally use brainwashing tactics. They repeat over and over the sentiments that will undermine your perception, your judgement, your perspective, until you think the way they want, which they will reward.
FEMME MUSE, TWITTER:
During disagreements, the moment you attack the person, not the idea — you have lost.
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
Three of the most profound truths that I learned from my many conversations with the narcissist's other targets are that their tactics don't change, their antics just escalate, and absolutely nothing that they share with another person is sacred to them.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
If you ever wonder if you’re the narcissist in the relationship there is an extremely high probability (99.5%) that you are not.
Central to diagnosable narcissism is the lack of insight, self-reflection, empathy and taking responsibility.
The stat is used for illustration.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It may feel paradoxical that a part of trauma recovery is REJECTING responsibility for certain things in our life.
But LOTS of survivors have been burned out trying to (& being told they "had to") accept responsibility for things they were not, COULD not, be responsible for.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
Coercive Control is a pattern of abuse in which a perpetrator exerts power over and control of a target. He will control by using tactics that are love-like, induce shame & fear, isolate, entrap, and cause psychological erosion. It is a liberty crime; a human rights violation.
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
Pharma & political ideology influencing rise in mental health diagnoses in youth
Shy = "social anxiety disorder"
sad ="Im depressed"
bored & inattentive= "ADHD"
nervous = "I have anxiety"
have emotions? = "Bipolar"
developmental angst/body image = "gender dysphoria"
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
If you show frustration or anger through: sighing, giving the silent treatment, or making sarcastic comments, you have a passive aggressive communication style.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Telling a narcissist how you feel is giving them all the ammunition they need to make you feel worse.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The more self aware you become, the more you understand you can’t fix anyone else’s deep rooted issues.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
I thought safe space imagery was stupid when I first learned about it.
Now I think creating a safe space on the inside of our head & heart is one of the MOST important tasks of recovery, & I can't overstate how important it is to VIVIDLY construct & reinforce those images.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
A narcissist will provoke you just to serve their desire for pleasure. They find pleasure in provoking you - especially for a negative reaction. The more negative your reaction, the more satisfaction a narcissist has by the fact that they have controlled you by your emotions.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
some of us isolate to recharge. most people won’t understand that.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
Many narcissists use other people to regulate their emotions. They blame others for the way they feel.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
The healing begins as the veil begins to lift and you come to see with 20/20 vision again.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Accept criticism, but never accept disrespect.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
A narcissist loves to gaslight you into believing that you are the narcissist. To take the focus away from their behavior, they will deflect and distract you. They will project themselves onto you so that your focus becomes internalizing their issues as part of you.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
Prioritize your well-being when dealing with narcissists. They will certainly prioritize their own over you.
Paul Frampton-Calero, TWITTER:
It’s bloody hard to do consistently but unless men call out bad behaviour from their mates & colleagues, the offenders will continue and the banter escalates to harassment & then violence.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
There are no innocent bystanders
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
Love, compassion, empathy and the like are incomprehensible to narcissists. They literally do not understand the terms. No such terms can be found in them. These terms are not ever a part of their true characters.
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
Replace overthinking with writing.
Replace underthinking with reading.
Melissa H, TWITTER:
Sometime the person that encourages you, needs encouragement.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
I have a friend who is controlling; his behavior can be annoying. There is no unequal power dynamic. I can say to him, Stop, you are being controlling. He’ll apologize and we move on.
That’s not coercive control.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Sometimes, no matter how nice you are, how kind you are, how caring you are, and how loving you are, it just isn't enough for some people.
Nora Wild, TWITTER:
Yes, I see what you mean 🤔There's so much comorbidities with personality disorders, it's not so easy to differenciate effectively which is which sometimes. But the absence of self-reflection and the communication chaos is a good sign for cluster b, for sure!
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Sometimes things don’t get easier, we just learn how to handle them better.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Healing is when you no longer internalize other people's blaming.
Prof. Feynman, TWITTER:
The measure of your intelligence is not your ability to acquire knowledge but how you handle uncertainty and navigate through it and behave when you don't know what to do.
Andrew Cicchetti, Ph.D., LCSW-R, TWITTER:
who you are under a campaign of coercive control is not who you are
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When we don't have anyone to turn to when we're scared or desperate growing up, we can get it in our head it's because we didn't "deserve" help or protection.
We're not equipped to understand that even the most "deserving" or "worthy" human can die of thirst in a desert.
Alexandra Powell, TWITTER:
Normalize leaving toxic people and places that leave you wondering whether you’re wanted, valued or welcome.
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
Degrees and job titles are not personality traits.
Narc Free Living, TWITTER:
Hardest pill I swallowed was realizing I meant nothing to people that meant a lot to me.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Some people will point out your flaws when they're angry with you, but say nothing when they're ok with you. Surround yourself with those who communicate their feelings, not those who mislead you into thinking all is well while collecting verbal bullets to use against you later.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Feeling dismissed by someone important to us can be a serious trigger for complex trauma survivors.
It's more than feeling "invisible." It's feeling we ARE seen-- we're just not important enough to take seriously.
Yeah. That'll bring us back to some not great places.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Your “unlovability” is just a story you’re telling based on parts of you that feel deep shame.
We CAN work on healing the shame by turning towards it with compassion, instead of exiling it.
I want to remind you: YOU are so lovable even when you doubt it the most.
Stevie., TWITTER:
Some people will not hear you regardless how much, how loud, how truthful, or how profound you may speak. Wish them well and let them go..
Prof. Peter C Gøtzsche, TWITTER:
Psychiatry is a religion, not a science. This subverts critical thinking and scientific inquiry and results in oppressive intolerance for individuals who reject that religion. Read the convincing article by PhD and psychologist Bruce Levine
Master 🦋, TWITTER:
Introverts love authenticity. Real & raw. Straightforward. In your face. No games. No winning approvals. They like to keep things plain, simple, and honest. And trust me they're not rude. It's just that they have no tolerance for drama, stupidity, and fake people.
Dr. Thema, TWITTER:
In this season of your life instead of carrying so many things because you can, consider putting more things down because you can.
⋆, TWITTER:
lack of communication leaves too much room for the imagination
Master 🦋, TWITTER:
As an introvert, the greatest lesson I've learned is to always put yourself first. Make yourself a priority. The hero of your story. Not them, you. Say no. Reply later. Cancel plans. Vibe alone. Don't ever explain yourself. Disappear. And just do you. Everything else can wait.
Jayman, TWITTER:
If you don't apologise they will look to harm your character, if you do apologise they take as admission of guilt and will look to harm your character and your future, not forgive. Now we know their intent after getting an apology is maliciously punitive
Albert Einstein, TWITTER:
Experiments and observations over time only confirmed that "we appeared to live in an empty world," writes
@PaulMattSutter
in
@NautilusMag
. "And then that nothingness cracked open."
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
Feeling dismissed, rejected, abandoned is one of the greatest pains we human beings can experience.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Manipulative bullies will go out of there way to trigger you and then pretend they're the victims having to tiptoe around you. You really can't get any more toxic than this.
Gaslighting/ Reactive/
Victim Blaming/
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
When we tell our stories we help others understand their own. There’s just so much to unpack with Coercive Control.
More importantly when we tell our own story we honor ourselves and validate what we’ve been through.
Yes, not everyone is safe or worthy of our story.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
there are many 'experts' on narcissistic abuse that are doing great harm to victims of #coercivecontrol
please be careful as to whom you follow or seek guidance.
Kate Amber, TWITTER:
Being abused by a coercive controller does not automatically make you co-dependent. In my experience, “co-dependent” behaviors are CAUSED by #CoerciveControl. There is nothing wrong with victims!
The Wily Survivor, TWITTER:
"What happens when a bully realizes their behaviour will never be called to account? The violence escalates. Family Courts are a bully’s dream."
Elizabeth LMFTherapist 💙 (she/her), TWITTER:
You do not need to change your appearance to please others 🧡
Big Mama ⛓🖤, TWITTER:
People who want to help you, will.
(17.1.2023)
The effect of psychological, narcissistic abuse or someone who is plainly rude, critical and aggressive all the time results in social anxiety symptoms to people who are on the receiving end.
Then the threatened person without noticing what is happening - starts to live in a survival mode. What happens next is that our personality style is suppressed. Then the diagnosis for personality disorder will spring up and it will seem as if we are hallucinating the threat, at least according to superficial CBT and people who never experienced abuse for themselves.
One of the things that will happen is suppression of ideas and leading a normal life, being yourself - instead of being social, you begun to behave as something that other people will label as "shy", "introverted", "weird", "closed", "cold" or whatever label that they perceive. This happens because we, the socially anxious empaths and HSPs or naturally friendly people, aggreable ones, we are naturally friendly. We do not think about it, we do not prepare for friendship. We do not read about social skills - instead it comes naturally, as it should be. So with abuse and threat - we won't for example invite people for a coffee or drink. We won't initiate the "normal" forms of socializations. This happens because the trust has been broken - trust in people. No one feels safe anymore that we can be natural with them. Instead we must be on guard - since we are explained both by abuser and other people that our thinking is wrong - and then our own thinking patterns start to conclude that we are insane and that there is something wrong inside us since we are not "strong", "disciplined", "extroverted" - and then we try to be strong, disciplined, socially skilled and extroverted - which only increases the panic and fears which are not unprocessed and coupled into trauma. We appear fake since we do not have basic trust in other people, how could we? And the whole time - there is nothing wrong with us. We are simply coerced into survival mode, living with fear of punishment and accusations about plethora of actions and words we speak which are labeled as wrong, error and mistake or worse - by abusers. They will "explain" what is happening, what we done "wrong" and what we are, what we deserve and most importantly what we must do - hence they control and manipulate us through guilt and shame. That is coercive control, this is criminal act. But CBT will not explain this at all. When we seek symptoms, wiki how to will explain that we must be "strong", to be "assertive" and to leave. All the wrong explanations, totally detrimental. Leaving will result in not resolving the trauma. Instead of leaving - there is trauma bonding process of breaking off - cutting contact both mentally and physically.
When someone is controling, micromanaging, nagging and complainer about everything all the time - this leads to injury in the target. We start to doubt our Selves, our Self, our persona - and we are explained that who we are: nice, caring, empathic and friendly persons are sick and abnormal, that we must be better, stronger or whatever projection abuser transfers from their toxic shame into the target.
When I started to educate myself about Agreeableness - I realized that High Agreeableness means groupthink and compliance - which is extreme form of people pleasing. That is fawning. This is the result of narcissistic abuse, being exposed to bullying, mobbing and abuse. I was convinced that the result of narcissistic abuse is the opposite of agreeableness - being rude - but in fact, it is the opposite: it is being more agreeable to the point of having no boundaries. That explains everything and it makes sense. Narcissists will simply nitpick our lack of boundaries which they coearced us with through abuse and punishment, and then label our reaction to abuse as sicknes, unmanly, something that is error inside us - and we won't know what is going on - since we will see that "normal" people socialize without problems and have interaction and confidence - where we have none.
Social anxiety is High Agreeableness and it is the result of exposure to narcissistic abuse. It is trauma. Social anxiety is trauma, unprocessed emotions and total blame and self pathologizing of our natural, normal traits of being agreeable. Which we resolve by being more agreeable and being stuck (traumatized) into perpetual high agreeableness which sick abnormal narcissistic society label as people pleasing and weakness, being a loser and not masculine. CBT joins into hysteria and explains social anxiety as personal defect which must be "cured" by learning "social skills" - implying we are abnormal, faulty to the core. And that we heal such sickness by being more agreeable - that we ignore toxic people in such way that we convince ourselves that toxic people do not exist - so toxic people have free reign to control and manipulate us, and we'd hence never cut contact with them.
The common sick toxic idea is to stop being a pushover/people pleaser. As if going to the opposite is healthy. It is not. The truth is somewhere in the middle.
If we start to be antagonistic to Cluster B - they will either go mad OR they will actually go along. The both options are catastrophe. If they go mad - they destroy our mental peace if we stay with them. If they go along - they will not change themselves - they will simply find new ways to manipulate and control. Now we need to be hypervigilant around them and micromanage them and make them our centre of attention, centre of our focus - and now Cluster B become our life - we are living their psychopathy since we must guard against their manipulation and control.
The right thing is to alarm alert sociopaths away - and then leave them. Staying in such relationship, contact - any kind of contact will destroy us. They will never change. We cannot change them - we cannot control other people. So being pushover or not being pushover was never a problem, it never was. If we are non violent, if we are agreeable, if we are not anti-social - there is nothing inside us that is sick - and that includes the people pleasing being labeled as sick. If we decide to reject our people pleasing gene (DRD3) we will develop severe toxic shame and destruction of our personality - we will end up with personality disorder just for deep hate of who we really are - which is never a problem afterall. The only problem are Cluster B monsters, their control, their manipulation, their refusal to engage with reality.
When someone asks professional for help regaring social anxiety symptoms - it would be logical to check if there was and still is abuse ongoing. Instead CBT ignores this fact and pushes straightforwardly with idea that we are hallucinating the abuse. The psychological abuse can be tested - the similarly as we test the presence of virus in our body by having our blood tested and checked for the presence of anti-bodies. In social anxiety - if there is Negative Politeness present - it is a clear sign that we were abused into social anxiety. Narcissists who are mimicking social anxiety to appear good and nice to their supply, for their supply - is that they will not bother themselve about details how other people are feeling. They will only be concerned about good reputation and receiving the respect from others based on nothing to support it realistically.
I will say this again, over and over:
Existence of Negative politeness in social anxiety means we were exposed to trauma, abuse, bullying/mobbing, punished and forced into fawning.
Like anti-bodies found in blood test for a virus or foreign intrusions in body.
Basically Negative politeness is Charcot hysteria instigator. Without knowing what is really going on and why we avoid being frank with someone intrusive - we both feel violated and unable to do anything about it - not knowing why we fawn. For the awareness of fawning - does not help us much. We do not know what is exactely the problem. Once Negative politeness is extracted - now it is logical that we are aware to break hypnosis in social situations. Now we know that with social anxiety symptoms - we will automatically try to avoid make any negative comment about someone who is behaving unruly and impolite, intrusive and rude
Without knowing information about what is Negative politeness - our trauma, fears, punishments, conditioning told us automatically to cover up other people's blunders and this kept us in social anxiety - since the jerks would not stop being jerks - and we would not know what to say, how to react and what exactly is the problem - we would only know panic anxiety symptoms. Now anxiety is no longer our enemy - it is obviously alarm system that something is wrong going on. And that is our punishment and brainwashing to be good and nice to bad and abusive psychopaths.
Negative politeness is trying to save negative face of person who is annoying, intrusive and basically scary and provokes our triggers and flashbacks - and if we decide to label these reactions as weakness as we were been told by toxic agents - we will end up with fawning, freezing and personality distortion - since we attack and reject our basic persona, personality inside us: agreeableness.
Narcissists, psychopaths will attack our ability to think straight, to be calm and to trigger us into dysregulation. Then we will try not to make them angry - and the only way we can do that is by avoiding situations where they are - if it is bank, shopping - we will start limiting our life. That is social anxiety. We will try not to make them angry in the contact - so we will make ourselves small and enter into inferiority complex - and then feel bad about inferiority complex. It is like being pushed into a hole and we can't get out.
If someone is controling and manipulative - we need the same mind games and little bits of communication attacks which narcissists employ onto us. Obviously - if they are rude - we need to address it. If we are being told to stop being pushover, that we must stand up for ourselves - with conditioned responsed such as Negative politeness - we won't know what to fix inside us. Then we will generalize our state of panic as social anxiety, as sickness - and the end result will be toxic shame, paralysis and even more of social anxiety and fawning. How could we know what is wrong? This ought to be explained in the self help books, wiki-hows we scrolled when we met rude person at job - and the "advice" given by "experts" was to increase Negative politeness - without giving any explanations about Maxims of politeness, without any explanations about trauma and fawning - these crucial data were hidden from us. Instead we got clear instruction of toxic shame masked as help: that our people pleasing is sickness and that our thoughts are distorted and that we are hallucinating rudeness and that we ought to be "stong" and "courageous" and perhaps "show teeth".
What happens when we are courageous - we will become more scared - since this implies we are weak and cowards.
When we are told to be strong - we will behave as weak - since this "helpful" advice implies we are weak - as personality trait, as our core being. These are all lies. We are already courageous and strong as anyone else. Without knowing our persona, personality - we will accept other people's explanations who we are - and this will create panic and fear- which other people will interpret as being coward and weak. And listening to their explanations and definitions will keep us trapped in hamster wheel of trying to please them and their definitions about our persona and who we are. Some people will do this unconsciously because they are idiots, and others will do this on purpose since they are criminally insane abnormal psychopaths and have no internal insight to realize what they are doing is coercion and criminal act.
Especially harmful "advice" is to show teeth - that we engage in fight response. Since this is not in our genes nor hence in our persona - we will end up being hysterical, Karen. Other people will mock us, and we will feel embarrassed. We will destroy connections with normal people who won't hang with us any longer and abusers will simply use our actions as proof that we are abusers and they are victims.
I say that Negative politeness is anti-body of virus existance (external factor - abuser in our midst) because with social anxiety we are stuck in negative politeness. There are no alternatives available - such as antagonism or positive politeness. When someone is rude - we go in panic mode and negative politeness, sprinkled with shutting up and self censorship.
Being stuck with negative politeness explains why other people take advantage of us - and why we never form deeper connections with other people. And why we never can break out of it even when we try "not to be pushover". Being stuck with any rigid thinking style - due to trauma - is not healthy and it is dysfunctional - and that is why trauma is trauma, we are not living our potential, we are stuck in trauma instead.
I believe this very part: exploring and experimenting with Negative politeness is something that was stuck with arrested development. That part was traumatized - there was general belief that I will be horribly punished if I disobey and disagree with someone - that after isolation years following the bully event - I was not able to be in social close social situations which would allow any development, resolution or closure in traumatized politeness. Instead I was stuck like a broken record to avoid making someone more angry. And later in life - as I would step out of isolation - I did not have any ability to crack the ice, to crack the protective layer to really see that this was the problem and that I can actually go against this learned conditioned reflex in being polite to people who are rude.
Also being stuck inside toxic ambient with relentless criticism 24/7 does not serve any healthy purpose, instead it adds up to ice and layer of trauma being shielded against any doubt - and then I am stuck with reflex of fawn trauma reaction forever.
When I do not have ability to disagree, to consider alternative responses other than Negative politeness - I will attract toxic people. This makes me prime target for psychopaths - since being stuck with Negative politeness and fawning trauma response - means not having any borders/boundaries.
Politeness works, there is nothing wrong neither with positive politeness nor with negative politeness. It starts to be toxic only in the presence of toxic people, they poison it, that is why toxic people are toxic.
Nedra Glover Tawwab, TWITTER:
You don't owe loyalty and silence to unhealthy situations. Healing starts when you acknowledge the truth.
Solé, TWITTER:
We are subconsciously hardwired to become who we really are. The path back to yourself happens in the most divine and organic ways if you simply allow it to, and stop resisting.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Don't argue with a narcissist you get frustrated and the narcissist enjoys it.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
the thing about psychological abuse is that it really is psychophysiological abuse impacting the brain, cns, immune system, cardiovascular system...
and when in the context of being entrapped
it can lead to emotional dysregulation, anxiety, depression, even suicidal ideation
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Fake is becoming so acceptable that people get offended when you're being real.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We might have gotten attacked, overtly or subtly, for so long in our lives, that over years we internalized that way of relating to us without even realizing it.
Recovery starts w/ making our relationship with OURSELVES safe-- making the inside of our head & heart safe for US.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Hope is a common thing that keeps a person in a situation that isn't good for them.
Dr. Thema, TWITTER:
Accept the truth so you can stop breaking your own heart.
Dr. Thema, TWITTER:
Accept the truth so you can stop breaking your own heart.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
If you are going through a tough time remember it’s only temporary.
bhavjot ✨(puv-jo-tuh), TWITTER:
anyone can love you when it’s easy. real love is loving someone when it’s hard. it’s someone standing by your side through life’s ups and downs. it’s someone healing, evolving, & building with you. it’s someone choosing to take on the world with you every single day.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Hostile Work Environment
A hostile environment can result from the unwelcome conduct of supervisors, co-workers, customers, contractors, or anyone else with whom the victim interacts on the job, and the unwelcome conduct renders the workplace
Brooke Sorenson, TWITTER:
When you live with someone who is actively avoiding you, their behavior is saying they do not care about you. It is time to move on from whatever relationship you had. Please don’t ignore it or have hope. Move forward without them. Lack of communication means lack of care.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
Campaigns of coercive control include similar elements over time: grooming, isolation, control, credible threat, gaslighting, psychological erosion, progressive volition restriction, entrapment, subjugation, sometimes death.
Solé, TWITTER:
The world will think of you as fragile for being highly sensitive. Whole time you’re transmuting their weight and upgrading the human experience.
I've been right all these years!
Flash Gordon (1980)
Narcissist Facts 101, TWITTER:
Narcissists have the sinister ability to triangulate using third parties (flying monkeys, enablers, etc.) and manipulate them into harassing, stalking, and abusing a target/victim. They do this purposefully so their hands "stay clean" while the target/victim is terrorized.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
I promise you, no friendship, relationship, or place is worth damaging your mental health over. Period.
Overmind, TWITTER:
A mistake repeated more than once is a decision
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
adult children of #coercivecontrol may experience trauma symptoms and not even realize that they had been abused
coercive control is child abuse
Josh…, TWITTER:
When you cut off toxic people from your life, they will never tell people the full story, they will only tell them the part that makes you look bad & them innocent.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
People don't actually want advice. They already know what they should be doing. They want someone to listen and support them.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We're NOT doing the people we care about any favors by denying, disowning, & stuffing our emotions.
Emotions don't STAY stuffed, no matter how good we THINK we are at stashing them.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Stop trying to get it right with someone who is stuck on seeing you as a bad person.
Prof. Lee Cronin, TWITTER:
dualism is the imagination the universe needs to have to exist
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Most people aren’t faking sick.
They are faking well.
Society perpetuates all kinds of masking.
Let’s normalize being a society in which NO one has to pretend they’re “fine.”
Perfect Guidance 🧭, TWITTER:
Never accept disrespect.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
" Be the bigger person" is BS advice.
My bigness is not determined by my capacity to quietly absorb bullying, degradation, or abuse.
Solé, TWITTER:
It’s amazing how quickly you can get ahead by simply not poisoning or sabotaging yourself regularly.
Stevie., TWITTER:
Your own mental well-being is much more important than someone else’s perception of you. Take care of it..
Betrayal Trauma Recovery, TWITTER:
Anger is a useful tool. This emotion helps you know that someone has crossed your boundaries.
introvert, TWITTER:
everyday ppl give me a reason to stay to myself.
Overmind, TWITTER:
You get what you focus on, so focus on what you want to get.
⋆, TWITTER:
don’t get too attached, people always leave.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Deception can be a powerful tool in war. Use disguise, misdirection, and false information to gain an advantage.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Flexibility and adaptability are essential in any conflict. Be prepared to adjust your tactics and strategy as needed
Solé, TWITTER:
People will assume that because you have big energy you are readily available. But no. That’s not the math on that.
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.”
– A. Karr 🪶✨
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Complex trauma survivors are frequently waiting for someone to expose us as a "fraud"...even if we can't, uh, quite put words to what about us is supposedly "fake."
All we know is we're just WAITING for someone to show the world how "bad" we are.
Old programming dies hard.
Lana Horowitz, TWITTER:
Anger is the most reliable signal telling you that your boundaries are being crossed.
Stop trying not to be angry. Start asking yourself what your anger is "saying" to you.
~Robin Clark~
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
What are some of the dark lessons that life showed you?
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Resting is NOT Quitting.
Resting IS:
Refueling
Restoring
Regrouping
Redirecting
ReWiring
Rest is NOT a reward.
(It’s a neurobiological imperative)
And, does NOT need to be earned.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Unresolved emotional trauma causes the behaviors that recreate the trauma.
Written Notes, TWITTER:
Never beg anyone for anything, not time, not attention, not love, not effort, nothing.
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
Seeking validation from narcissistic people who aren't even valid is a dead-end street.
• ₣ɆⱤ₳Ⱡ 𝓣𝓼𝓾𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓮•(ツンデレ), TWITTER:
Going No Contact with people who violate your boundaries and are inconsiderate of your feelings is not the same as “the silent treatment” or ghosting.
introvert, TWITTER:
you’ll be sad for a lil and then you’ll stop caring and it’s the best feeling fr.
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
Never stop being a good person. Change who you're good to.
 |
| veil |
 |
| veil |
Diseases associated with DRD3 include Tremor, Hereditary Essential, 1 and Schizophrenia.
The activity of the D3 subtype receptor is mediated by G proteins which inhibit adenylyl cyclase. This receptor is localized to the limbic areas of the brain, which are associated with cognitive, emotional, and endocrine functions.
https://www.genecards.org/cgi-bin/carddisp.pl?gene=DRD3
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
New doors will open for you when you close the door on toxic people.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Narcissists like coming up with problems, solutions not so much, they'll leave you to do that, and then they'll find a problem with your solution.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
our natural state of being is one of cooperation
yes, we have lost our way as a species.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
If it drains you, it's not for you. Always remember that.
Narcissist Facts 101, TWITTER:
Narcissists will never learn to be better people. If their supply figures out the horrible truth behind their mask and escapes their clutches, narcissists only learn better ways to hide the gaslighting, abuse, and manipulation for their next victims.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Normalize being private without oversharing. Normalize being kind without taking any shit. Normalize knowing your worth without looking down on anyone. Normalize listening to understand without judgment. Normalize seeing the good in people without ignoring all the red flags.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
removing your presence from places you don’t feel loved, appreciated or respected is top tier self-care
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Complex trauma survivors often have our "antennae" finely tuned to feeling manipulated-- & that's not particularly crazy. That's a response to past experience.
We may WANT to just trust & vibe-- but our nervous system can't un-see or un-know what it's seen & what it knows.
Overmind, TWITTER:
You'll never feel 100% ready. Just do it.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Blog: "I’ll spoil the suspense: you’re NOT an “oversensitive, needy piece of sh*t” for just wanting— or needing— to be comforted when you’re feeling sh*tty…no matter how you feel."
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
grooming leads to isolation; jealousy leads to isolation; telling you who you can and can't speak with leads to isolation; and on and on....
isolation is a central element of a campaign of coercive control
That Girl Ryley, TWITTER:
Empathy isn't work for those who are good people...
Overmind, TWITTER:
Don’t judge a situation you’ve never been in.
Essential Mastery, TWITTER:
Do you care when people hate you?
Solé, TWITTER:
Everyone thinks that they’re the good guy. Only people who have sat in the fire of self mastery realize that you can’t be anything until you know who you are.
introvert, TWITTER:
everything u thought was drowning u was really teaching u how to swim.
Overmind, TWITTER:
Life is much better if you focus on positive things and self care.
ɐuıɯ❣️, TWITTER:
Trauma makes you tolerate a lot of sh*t you don’t deserve because you don’t want to lose people. Healing makes you realize some people don’t deserve to be in your life anymore,
no matter how much you love them.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
The time it takes to heal from trauma is based on how your mind and body was impacted. That has nothing to do with someone else’s timeline or expectations.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
⋆, TWITTER:
God made you different. Don't ruin that trying to be like everybody else.
Wiz Khalifa, TWITTER:
If i can’t push you to be better i can’t be around you
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Accept criticism, but never accept disrespect.
Essential Mastery, TWITTER:
Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.
Overmind, TWITTER:
Seeking revenge will not erase your suffering.
valor, TWITTER:
Learn to cut off access. Not everyone is worthy.
valor, TWITTER:
Distance yourself from people with a victim mentality.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
Neuroception refers to our ability to distinguish whether situations or people are safe or dangerous.
When we’ve experienced trauma, our amygdala grows, and our ability to discern is lost.
valor, TWITTER:
the reality is that growth comes with a lot of goodbyes
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
True accountability is shame free and full of grace.
valor, TWITTER:
Nothing is permanent. Everything passes. Whatever you are going through will also pass. Never give up.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma + Anxiety Info, TWITTER:
When we lose our ability to discern between danger and safety, EVEN JOYFUL and CALM people, places, and experiences are threatening.
When we ReWire Our Brain during trauma-healing work, we can tell the BUTTERFLY’S BALM versus the SCORPION’S STING.
⋆, TWITTER:
I’ll clap for you even when you don’t clap for me. That’s what makes me different.
Vincent van Gogh, TWITTER:
The more you love, the more you suffer.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
Be ready for new energy and many new beginnings.
Josh…, TWITTER:
I wasted enough time on things that never felt right. I'm listening to my soul now.
Words Finally Spoken 🇺🇸 Peace for Ukraine 🇺🇦, TWITTER:
When you have a narcissist in your house, you aren't allowed to have your own emotions. You're too busy dealing with Their emotions. And, somehow, you forget to feel your own.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
If it costs you your peace of mind. You overpaid.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
Coercive control perpetrators calibrate their tactics of abuse to hook then entrap you.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
Working on myself (my issues) has been ongoing, and with every narcissist I have encountered in my life, I have had to work even harder. As crazy as it sounds, I don't believe I would have worked more on my issues if it had not been for those narcissists.
Nedra Glover Tawwab, TWITTER:
Next-level dysfunction: Gossiping behind someone’s back and being upset when they are mad about what you said.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Bait and switch, where a narcissist will cause that intrigue within you, then when you go looking for answers, they'll claim “you have trust issues.” and play the victim with “You went through my stuff.” when you try to show them evidence of the intrigue they caused within you.
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
If you heal enough to help others heal, you can create so much love and light for yourself and others out of the darkness a narcissist leaves you with.
joyforsurvivors, TWITTER:
Now that you're trauma informed, don't you just see traumatized, unhealed people *everywhere*?
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
How you choose to feel today should not be dependent on others.
Overmind, TWITTER:
Never apologize for not letting people cross your boundaries.
Overmind, TWITTER:
Allow people to follow their own paths without judgement.
Lalah Delia 📖, TWITTER:
Fear of people judging you will no longer be a roadblock or a pain point. You are energetically free. Keep evolving.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
Double binds abound in the perpetration of coercive control. One of the most potent is when you are likely to be as harmed by staying as you are leaving.
Melanie Bridgen, TWITTER:
Many abusers rely on their position to convince the victim they will not be believed. Domestic abuse and coercive control happen in all walks of life. It needs to be called out not silenced.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
Victims don’t leave a relationship, they escape a campaign of coercive control.
Enough already with the Intimate Partner framework. It’s just wrong.
Josh…, TWITTER:
I became unreachable to those that had all access and abused it.
Narcopath Info, TWITTER:
The covert-aggressive's dislike of appearing overtly aggressive is as practical as it is face-saving. Manipulators know that if they're above-board in their aggression, they'll encounter resistance.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Normalize not oversharing. Everyone is not your friend.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Yeah-- this pattern of reacting & behaving may suck. But for whatever reason, our nervous system has decided it's the SAFER pattern.
If we wanna realistically change it, we gotta get curious about how our brain decided this pattern was SAFE-- & what NEEDS it might satisfy.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Whatever disrespect you tolerate will continue. Manipulation is when they blame you for your negative reaction to their disrespect. Protecting your peace by choosing distance over disrespect is top tier self-care.
Words Finally Spoken 🇺🇸 Peace for Ukraine 🇺🇦, TWITTER:
To this I say... Abusers don't abuse everybody. they only abuse their victim / victims. To everyone else they are "wonderful" people. A wolf in sheep's clothing is what they are.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
i never changed, i just see things differently now.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Our parents teach us what love is as children by what they do, not what they say. Our subconscious idea of relationships is being built at birth.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Narcissism is an adult state of emotionally immaturity that comes from not fully going through each stage of childhood development. The behaviors are ego-centric and mirror child like thoughts we have from 2-7.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Don't get mad at yourself for getting triggered. You didn't ask for this.
Your nervous system's responding REFLEXIVELY-- think hot stove.
We can wish things were different WITHOUT taking our irritation out on ourselves. Trauma responses aren't "choices."
Solé, TWITTER:
So much of self mastery is inner alchemy. Shifting, transmuting and transforming the parts of you that were never you to begin with.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Maturity is understanding why someone behaves the way they do, while also understanding we're not responsible for what people have gone through in their past. If someone is hurtful or abusive, it's not our job to try to fix them. It's theirs.
Maverick, TWITTER:
we teach others how to treat us, in the ways that we show up for ourselves.
Maverick, TWITTER:
ignore people who threaten your peace. literally, ignore them. say nothing, don't invite any parts of then into your space.
Maverick, TWITTER:
you can't build with someone who isn't trying to help you carry the bricks.
مريم حسنا, TWITTER:
You can let people be miserable on the other side of your boundaries.
valor, TWITTER:
No one has the right to treat you badly.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Most Whistleblowers are called crazy for telling their story. Which usually turns out to be true.
Always believe or listen to survivors no matter how crazy it's seems.
Wise Chimp, TWITTER:
Comparison will kill you. Be you.
Diane Langberg, PhD, TWITTER:
We often seem to want people who have suffered terrible things to just “get over it”. They cannot. Evil has real impact and does real damage.
Diane Langberg, PhD, TWITTER:
As Christians, in our disagreeing we must never dismiss or de-humanize another or we become ungodly. The trashing, demeaning, humiliating and labeling of others is horrifying and grieves the heart of our God.
Adam Fare 🖤🤍💜, TWITTER:
You can't "wellbeing" your way out of cultural/systemic issues and oppression.
Anyone who suggests you can is essentially victim blaming.
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉, TWITTER:
Nothing in the Nature lives for itself.
Rivers don’t drink their own water.
Trees don’t eat their own fruit.
The sun doesn’t shine for itself.
A flower’s fragrance is not for itself.
Living for each other is the rule of nature.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
A LOT of us developed kind of hyper-empathy to the people around us-- because in our world, being able to predict & align w/ the emotions of those around us may have made the difference between being hurt or not.
Highly sensitive people know that "fawn" thing really well.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You're NOT "crazy" for developing a disorganized attachment style.
The attachment style you developed was your nervous system's attempt to make ANY goddamn sense out of the inconsistent or painful behavior of the people AROUND you & TOWARD you.
You didn't pick it.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We DON'T have to fully, sequentially remember a traumatic event, or understand how or why a trigger is a trigger, to change how we respond to that trigger.
Sometimes it'll all fit together; sometimes it won't. Them's the breaks.
What MATTERS is how YOU feel & function daily.
SusanMina, TWITTER:
Stop trying so hard to love the red flags out if people. You know in your heart of hearts that this person is toxic… no amount of love will change toxic..
Andrew Campbell, TWITTER:
It’s crazy how many people will learn someone was victimized by abuse in childhood and lead with “Isn’t it time to let the abuser off the hook?”
valor, TWITTER:
real is more attractive than perfect.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Narcissists have a knack for making you feel so bad that you change your behaviour to what works in their favour.
valor, TWITTER:
Don’t compare yourself to absolutely anyone, because you have more potential than you even know.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
If you don’t love yourself, You will always be chasing someone that don’t like you as well.
introvert, TWITTER:
if they really cared about u, they wouldn’t keep crossing ur boundaries.
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
Life always will have pain and suffering. Because anything that is in time will pass away. Everything is temporary. Love=loss.
Pleasure = pain. Life = death
There will be people who try to profit off your pain. Sell you something for some relief. That is temporary too. A trap.
ᗰIᗩᕼ ᑕᗩᗰᑭᗷEᒪᒪ ♡, TWITTER:
People who side with your Abuser and shift the blame on you are no different than your Abuser. Toxic is toxic!
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
Never allow your loneliness to lower your intelligence.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Friendly reminder to ignore any lame shit today. It's not worth your energy. Protect your peace.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
There's nothing magically healing about just telling our story. We can dissociate & recite our story all day long, & our nervous system won't register a thing.
Some might think we've processed it all & "should" be able to "move on" just because we've put words to it.
If only.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You are too important to waste your time on what toxic individuals think about you.
Josh…, TWITTER:
I learned, some people get a buzz out of arguing!
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You know what offends toxic people?
You standing up for yourself and others..
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is accepting that not everyone will heal in their current lifetime.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Don't feel down when people reject you. Nice things are rejected all the time by people who either can't afford them, or are ignorant towards the true value.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Excessive Monitoring is a form of workplace violence, especially if it's in retaliation to a previous complaint filed. It can be considered stalking....
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
we make the best choices we can often in the space found between a rock and a hard place.
that’s what happens when you are under a campaign of coercive control
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Workplace bullying & Mobbing involves one or more of the following:
1) rudeness and hostility that disrespects the victims
2) threats and intimidation, including the abuse of power
3) deliberate acts that interfere with the victims work
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
After we experience childhood trauma, we see the world as unsafe and tend to interpret people’s behavior in ways that are intentionally hurtful and personal. The truth is, behavior is rarely personal.
Diane Langberg, PhD, TWITTER:
When the mourner tells you what they feel and think - you do not teach. You listen; you bear witness; you reassure because you understand the nature of grief.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
When you grow up dependent on others who harm you, the world does not feel safe. The shaping of a child is built on who has access to them & what they're taught about belonging. When those little bodies are violated, they often adapt to isolation in an attempt to stop future pain
Lana Horowitz, TWITTER:
The guilt belongs to the narcissist... not you. Remember that. ❣️
~Exposing Narcissists~
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
May you attract the people who naturally make you feel safe and bring out your inner child and your soft side, instead of triggering your mental health and bringing out your inner wounded child and your survival mode.
Wealth Director, TWITTER:
When you go through tough times on your own, you don’t really care who stays in your life.
Overmind, TWITTER:
Even small acts of kindness can make a big difference.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
When you set a new standard on how you expect to be treated, you'll be surprised at those who disappear from your life. It's a hard pillow to swallow when you realize how many people benefited from your lack of boundaries. It's a great way to filter out undercover haters..
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Stop agreeing to things that hurt, assault and insult your soul.
You. Deserve.Better.
⋆, TWITTER:
you gon fuck up a few times before you actually get it right, that’s LIFE
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
One if the healthiest habits to learn.
Take nothing personally
Are all psychopaths narcissists?iuuuku
Erich H. Wolf
I study psychoanalysis
Yes. All psychopaths are narcissistic, but not in the same way that clinical psychology understands narcissism. Clinical psychology equates narcissism with a grandiose, superficial ego that covers up underlying feelings of low self worth. This is not true for psychopaths, who are not really compensating for any underlying feelings of low self worth.
In psychoanalysis, the concept of narcissism is different. Narcissism is a mechanism of self preservation. This means all libido (love instinct) gets focused in one’s own subjectivity (Self). It has nothing to do with wanting to be admired or having a “big ego” as pop-culture and people with no formal education erroneoulsy believe.
The main symptom of narcissism is not “having a big ego” or “craving admiration or validation”. The main symptom of narcissism is “indifference”.
This is the reason why psychopaths experience a huge amount of boredom on their lives. Psychopaths experience a huge amount of boredom because they are indifferent towards everything.
https://www.quora.com/Are-all-psychopaths-narcissists
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Always be prepared for war. Train, gather intelligence, and have a contingency plan. It will give you a critical edge when it arises.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Anytime you find yourself giving more energy than you receive, it's time to step back.
SerenitySpeaksTruth, TWITTER:
When the narcissist can’t see any signs of weakness on you no matter what drama they create they then feel extremely defeated.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
A narcissist will hide something from you, to help you look for it, then expect praise and recognition when they find it.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Coercive Control is abuse and theft of individual rights to choose.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
No contact with a narcissist is just that … NO CONTACT! No matter how tempting it may be to go back down memory lane in person, that is a BIG MISTAKE. If you make a mistake, quickly get back on track and abstain from further contact. The idea is to be free and remain free.
SerenitySpeaksTruth, TWITTER:
Narcissistic families basically teach you that you have no options outside of them.
They groom you into idolatry.
• ₣ɆⱤ₳Ⱡ 𝓣𝓼𝓾𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓮•(ツンデレ), TWITTER:
Predators and abusers trying to create new identities for themselves because they know that their original one is now tainted is both the cringiest and most sinister thing. I’m praying for all future victims that unknowingly fall for their trap.
Iam1in6, TWITTER:
If you have been abused & big T Traumatized, Nothing matters as much as being #believed, being kept #safe & being able to #speakout & #Heal.
The four things the abusers & their flying monkeys absolutely do not want for you.
⋆, TWITTER:
Let them be wrong about you. There's nothing to prove.
introvert, TWITTER:
remove access.. some ppl need to feel ur absence.
Essential Mastery, TWITTER:
"If you’re not ready to be hated, you’re not ready to be famous."
reggie mills, TWITTER:
Put your energy into the right people.
valor, TWITTER:
Stay away from people that ruin your peace.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Avoid those who disrupt your inner peace.
Dylan Ogline, TWITTER:
It's truly remarkable how few people have even the most basic understanding of what's logical.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Once you hit a certain age you become you become permanently unimpressed by a lot of drama, gossip and ridiculous BS.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
There’s no coming to consciousness without pain.
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
Stop believing there is some quick pill, purchase or material escape that will make you feel fulfilled. It doesn’t work that way. This is how we got into this mess to begin with.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
Show me a sane man and I'll cure him for you.
Success Minded, TWITTER:
"don’t ever let the same people disappoint you twice."
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
For better to come, good must stand aside.
Drug Blondinovsky ☭, TWITER:
Hate, as a relation to objects, is older than love. It derives from the narcissistic ego’s primordial repudiation of the external world with its outpouring of stimuli.
Sigmund Freud | Philsopher & Neurologist ✍️, TWITTER:
The mind is like an iceberg, it floats with one-seventh of its bulk above water.
Fyodor Dostoevsky | Novelist & Philosopher ✍️, TWITTER:
I swear to you gentlemen, that to be overly conscious is a sickness, a real, thorough sickness.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
If you say no to someone and they get angry...
It doesn't mean you should of said yes.
This is called a boundary!
⋆, TWITTER:
loving people also means letting them go when it’s time
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
The increasing number of people using a psychiatric diagnosis to define themselves is a dangerous consequence of identity politics & industrial manipulation. You are being sold a fantasy. A drug. A savior. An ideology. A group to belong.
This is not the way. You will stay stuck
Kate Amber, TWITTER:
Removing context is a common tactic used by #CoerciveControllers to deceive and manipulate.
Kleop@tr@ 111, TWITTER:
Darkness cannot drive out darkness only light can that. Hate cannot drive out hate only LOVE can do that.
Martin Luther King.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
If we wanna realistically recover from trauma, we gotta start putting our needs, especially for safety & stability, first. No way around it.
Yeah. It'll feel "selfish." It'll clash w/ old conditioning. It'll feel awkward.
Do it anyway.
introvert, TWITTER:
i’m learning that even if i react, it won’t change anything. it won’t make certain ppl suddenly love, understand & respect me. sometimes it’s better to be quiet & detach myself from them.
Andrew Campbell, TWITTER:
When someone makes the often difficult decision to cut ties with an abusive family member, don’t guilt or judge them for making what is likely the healthiest decision they can make.
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
Your DSM psychiatric diagnosis is a manufactured "illness" of "symptoms" in which there is no incentive to understand any of the primary causes which influence your current struggle.
The best you can hope for is constant search for sedation & numbness which there will be no end.
Solé, TWITTER:
Maybe we should try diagnosing people less and understanding them more.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Why You Should Get Used To Being Misunderstood:
If we say what we want, we will be called aggressive.
If we people please or appease, will will be called selfish because it's never enough.
If we place a boundary, people won't honor them or will violate them.
If we have no boundaries, we'll drown as we try to meet everyone's expectations.
If we follow a path that's not traditional, we'll be told it's risky or it won't work out.
If we do what's expected of us, there will still be people who critique how we do it.
If we have the courage to share our gifts with the world, there will be people who would prefer us to be silent.
If we stay in our comfort zone, we live with the regret of "what if I would have..."
If we decide to break the cycle, there will be people who label us as the problem.
If we stay in dysfunction, the connection and love we receive there will always come with conditions.
If we out grow relationships, some people will feel abandoned in the process.
If we stay in relationships we've outgrow, new versions of ourselves won't be accepted.
The only answer really is to live a life that's authentic to us and allow people to misunderstand us in the process
Because they will anyway.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Nobody who isn't you knows all the nuances of your pain. Nobody who isn't you can understand all the nuances of your decisions.
It's easy for "them" to give you sh*t when they don't have to deal with the feelings & memories that YOU have to manage 24/7.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Even in the healthiest relationships there will be: conflict, defensiveness, and moments where we have intense triggers. We’re human, like it or not.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Every wonder why you feel angry, but not sure why?
Manipulation, gaslighting, lies, deception and coercive control tactics are all signs of covert manipulation and control..
Your intuition is picking up on these very deceptive behaviors, which inturn causes anger in the victims
Gary Goodridge
Practice detachment when you sense you are unwanted.
I guess I wanted to get knocked off or something. But as soon I got away from my mother, I suddenly realized how wonderful life really was, and then I fought like a tiger to stay alive.
Peyton Place (1957)
Josh…, TWITTER:
Stop expecting YOU from people.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Remember that when even well-meaning people give advice, that advice is often about them, not you.
You're not "ungrateful" if you don't take it. You're not "broken" if you do take it & it turns out to not be quite what you need.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Watch out for people that try to covertly sabotage your healing because the healed version of you won't work for their unresolved trauma narrative.
SusanMina, TWITTER:
Don’t let anyone validate you, believe in yourself- trust yourself
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic individuals focus on your faults like they don't have any to work on.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
I remove myself from conversations where people attempt to tell me what I said. or what I meant. Cuz last time I checked I was me and you are not —- but go off?
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
C-PTSD symptoms: issues regulating your emotions, feelings of unworthiness, distrust towards people and the world around you, hypervigilance, strong inner critic, chronic fear of abandonment in relationships.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Just because they're certain and your not, doesn't mean they're right and you're crazy.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
How your partner was loved as a child will show up in: how they react when hurt, how they communicate during conflict, and how they respond when you share your feelings.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Stay away from people who put others down.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The spiritual approach to trauma: you were born whole and your experiences fragmented your sense of self. Healing means loving all parts of you even the wounded parts, to recover the truth of who you are. It's a return to wholeness, to oneness, to truth.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
If you want to confront a narcissist about how they wronged you, then be prepared to watch how they make it all your fault.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Staying calm under any situation is a sign of confidence.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The only people who are angry at you for speaking the truth are those who are invested in the lies...
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
there are no stupid questions. curiosity is a beautiful quality in people.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
We will never get the opportunity to be this young again. Finding acceptance & gratefulness in the present brings a different kind of peace.
Lisa A. Romano, TWITTER:
I imagine a world full of people who can observe their thoughts and feelings, and who know that they have the power to shift their thoughts and control their feelings and thus their energy despite painful past conditioning.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma survivors often get it in our heads that EVERYTHING is our fault & EVERYTHING is our responsibility. If you know, you know.
Thing is: we CAN'T manage anyone's feelings FOR them. We CAN'T make anyone's decisions FOR them.
(Nope. You're not the exception.)
narcissist_survivor®, TWITTER:
What if you didn't need "therapy."
What if you just needed to understand what happened to you.
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
Evolutionary biologists suggest depression is an adaptive process. Other cultures see it as transformative. The disease model of depression has altered the way we view distress. No longer viewing emotions as adaptive but rather symptoms of disease. This very idea is toxic.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Question to ask yourself before reaching out to someone who hurt you: “if this person doesn’t respond in the way I’m seeking, will I be ok or will this open the wound.” If the answer is it will open the wound— wait. It’s not the time.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
To avoid disappointment, take people exactly as they are, instead of idealizing about what you wish they would be.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Happiness is not an everyday all day emotion. Unlearn that.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
For some of us, love & attention were zero sum commodities in our families. We grew up believing we had to "earn" love by being entertaining or attractive-- to the people who should have loved us anyway.
It's a mindf*ck of a belief system that's hard to shake.
Perfect Guidance 🧭, TWITTER:
Never accept disrespect.
The Wily Survivor, TWITTER:
If you've gone no contact with the narcissist, but for some reason you've broken it...it's okay. Please don't perseverate because you think you've done something wrong. You haven't. Just start again. The work you're doing is really hard. 💪
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When people say “my boundaries don’t work” they’re saying their boundaries don’t change the behavior of other people. Boundaries are our limits. And it’s up to us to follow through if someone ignores them. This can look like disengaging or not responding.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
forgive yourself for the times you were too nice when you should have been cold.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
How childhood trauma can impact brain development. Please share for awareness. Healing is possible for all of us— support to those breaking the cycle 💜
"I'm growing in a home where I experienced childhood trauma. I'm shamed, screamed at, blamed and criticized on a regular basis."
Did you know that chronic and prolonged emotional abuse and toxic stress can permanently change a child's body and brain and have lifelong consequences on how we engage in relationships. Early childhood trauma is linked with altered serotonin systems in the brain. It can also create smaller prefrontal cortexes in adolescents and adults. Our prefrontal cortex is how we learn to regulate our emotions and have impulse control. Studies show that childhood trauma is also associated with increases in amygdala volume. Our amygdala is a part of our brain that senses danger in our environment. It means that you might sense danger in your environment as an adult even when it's not there. Or you might interpret hostile facial expression on people when they're actually neutral.
Master 🦋, TWITTER:
When an introvert says "I know", they know. They've analysed the patterns. Read the cues. Connected the dots. Made the associations. And reached a conclusion after weeks of contemplation. They don't just say shit, they've done the work. And you better believe it.
Andrew Campbell, TWITTER:
All shame associated with an abusive act lies squarely on the abuser, 0% of the shame of the act belongs to the victim.
Ted or Theo (#ADHD sufferer, #Narcissist survivor), TWITTER:
Annoy them to the point that they want nothing to do with me. It's fun! I just stay authentic, and friendly and don't take their bait. When they can't get a reaction, they move on.
AbuseStrike3, TWITTER:
Keep boundaries strong and call the abuse out every single time 👊🏻
Ute Susan Weiss, TWITTER:
Staying calm and repeating facts, facts and facts. Setting boundaries.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Errors are evidence of your effort.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
So many people say “the truth” when they actually mean: my truth.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
"Learn to see people for what they are, not who you want them to be."
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Never expect honesty from workplace bullies who lie to themselves. Bullies can't give you what they don't give themselves.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You didn't become selfish; you became harder to manipulate. Don't confuse the two.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
When a narcissist finds it difficult to make connections to gain narcissistic supply, they will use a false self to attract likable people. This false self is usually a masterful creation of other people the narc has emulated and believes will draw people to them.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Surround yourself with people who bring you joy, not those you feel the need to impress.
Friedrich Nietzsche | Philosophy & Psychology 🧠, TWITTER:
The earth has a skin and that skin has diseases; one of its diseases is called man.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
If one does not understand a person, one tends to regard him as a fool.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
When you lose sight of your own value, you also lose sight of what you are entitled to.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Remove yourself from any place you don't feel valued or respected..
Life is just to short to put up with bs.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
There used to be something about being isolated that evoked shame, now that I see it as a tactic of abuse, the shame is gone & I feel more able to connect. Inducing shame is a tactic of abuse, isolation is a tactic of abuse.
Fuck shame.
"Why don't you just tell him to f* off?" "Just sack her" "Tell your boss to do this" "Go and get another job"
It's great when you're outside of it, but they can't see the invisible mines that we're trying to avoid.
YT RICHARD GRANNON
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
If your parents couldn’t self regulate, and had high reactivity even under minor situations, it’s likely you:
1. Also cannot handle stress and have high emotional reactivity.
2. Cope by dissociating (completely shutting down) and leaving the body.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You are not responsible for anyone's distorted perception of you.
Stand firm in your own light and truth.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
"They" may see certain habits & behaviors as evidence that we're "damaged"-- & sometimes WE fall into the trap of looking at ourselves through that lens, too.
The REALTY is that many of those behaviors are evidence that we found ways to SURVIVE sh*t "they" couldn't even fathom.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
who you are under a campaign of coercive control is NOT WHO YOU ARE
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Others can call empaths fake, but they will not hate someone who has done nothing to them.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
What is Workplace Bullying?
It is the unwanted, unwelcome abuse of any source of power that has the effect of or intent to intimidate, control or otherwise strip a target of their right to esteem, growth, dignity, voice or other human rights in the workplace.
Andrew Campbell, TWITTER:
Being a victim of emotional abuse isn’t weakness, perpetrating it is.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Delete everything in your mind that is not moving you forward.
Josh…, TWITTER:
It takes a lot of truth to gain trust, but just one lie to lose it all.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
You will struggle greatly with trusting and hearing your gut instinct when you believe trauma you endured was your fault.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
People see boundaries as a threat/insult instead of viewing it as a way to treat a person they love better.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Control is a coping mechanism for dealing with fear and uncertainty.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When we don’t have healthy coping mechanisms, life can be so frustrating. We know we’re loving, caring, and mean well—but our ways of coping push away the people we love.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Sometimes our trauma leads us to believe everybody is out to get us, when in reality people are just tryna survive — just like us.
You don’t have “haters” fr. You just have people who dislike themselves and project that dislike onto you. Confident people are not worried about/comparing themselves to others.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Psychological safety is the belief that you won't be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns, or mistakes
https://ccl.org/articles/leading-effectively-articles/what-is-psychological-safety-at-work/#:~:text=Psychological%20safety%20is%20the%20belief,taking%20risks%2C%20or%20soliciting%20feedback
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
“To avoid disappointments, expect nothing.” Ok so then when they give you nothing & you still disappointed then what?
Now you mad at yourself cuz you shouldn’t have given them a chance in the first place.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Arguing with a narcissist doesn’t necessarily make them mad, telling them the truth does.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Being in love with someone requires being able to embrace their imperfections.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
A narcissist does not want to be seen as inferior. So they will do their best to stay head of you by one-upping you. If you have a story to tell - whether good or bad, a narcissist will one-up you to tell a story better or worse than yours.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Let go of your need to understand other people’s actions. A lot of people don’t even think before they do things, so they possibly won’t even know the why themselves.
I always remind myself the world doesn’t revolve around me when I’m hurt by someone’s actions. There are a million reasons why they could have done what they did.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Avoid people that don't acknowledge your effort.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Standing up for yourself and others does not make you a bad person. If boundaries are a problem with others, the problem is 'not' with you.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
It is crucial to be able to distinguish between persevering and allowing oneself to be in a futile situation.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
If they put you second, put them last.
valor, TWITTER:
for your own sanity, let things be.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Mental health = overall mental wellness. Just like physical health. Mental illness= mental disorder. These are not interchangeable.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
Some adults who were victimized by a nonviolent coercive controller will grow up never quite realizing that they were victims of childhood domestic abuse, yet they will demonstrate many of the symptoms of complex PTSD just the same.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Words mean things. Stop saying you are OCD, bipolar, antisocial, have anxiety/depression if you haven’t been diagnosed by a mental health professional and are only referring to fleeting emotions or behaviors you think are associated with these diagnoses. Words MATTER.
IMRAN...., TWITTER:
Express your love, people can’t read your mind.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Attempting to live up to other people’s expectations will never bring you joy because the validation that really matters comes from within.
Also other people will shift their expectations once you reach them if they were forcing you to meet them in the first place. It’s about control — not your performance. You were always good enough — they just convinced you that you weren’t.
valor, TWITTER:
Unfortunately life doesn't wait for you to be okay. Get up and get shit done.
narcissist_survivor®, TWITTER:
You can't love someone into loving you. Nor can you love someone enough to make them stop hurting you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Somewhere along the way we got conditioned to blame ourselves for our trauma-- the fact that we have needs (eww) or feelings (uggghh) & we take up space (ahhh) and breathe oxygen (accckk).
Thing is: your trauma WASN'T your fault. No matter how "annoyingly" human you are.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We get anxious because we care. And we care because sh*t's important to us.
Caring isn't a glitch; it's a feature of humans who are invested in certain values & other humans. You know-- humans like you & me.
Managing anxiety DOESN'T mean we have to give up caring.
Dr. Christine Marie Cocchiola, TWITTER:
The ACCUSATION is the CONFESSION. DARVO
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
People who traumatize you do not hold the keys to your healing. Please stop going back.
valor, TWITTER:
Unexpected reassurance is top tier
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
holding on to shame or feeling that you have to forgive yourself may block your ability to appropriately direct your anger to whom it belongs...the abuser.
all the culpability belongs to them - 100%
Narcissistic Support, TWITTER:
A covert narcissist believes their life is harder than everyone elses, and believe therefore, they are better and understand more about the world than others. The issue with this is, aside from being not true, they are also miserable, whilst claiming to be the beacon of success
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is understanding that you can't take everyone into the future with you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
In trauma recovery we really NEED our alone time.
Yeah-- at times in our journey we may have been alone because we were abandoned or betrayed. That's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about CHOSEN alone time for YOU to chill, regroup, & listen to YOUR feelings & needs.
introvert, TWITTER:
u won’t feel like this forever
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
I spent a majority of my adult life dissociated.
I called it my space ship. I would be physically present, but mentally I was gone. I rarely showed emotion. I always appeared calm on the outside.
Internally, I was an anxious mess.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Without adults who could self regulate, the home would become wrapped in the emotional chaos, regularly.
Both of my parents experienced generational trauma (poverty, abuse, neglect) so self regulation was not something they were modeled.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Children cannot regulate alone.
Self regulation is learned through having attuned parents. It's through the help of predictable, safe, attuned parents that we learn how to regulate our emotions, eventually on our own.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Dissociation is protection.
It allows us to survive dangerous or threatening situations. Any situation that overwhelms the nervous system can create a dissociation response.
Family would say: "nothing upsets Nicole. You take everything so well."
In reality, I was just shutdown and numb.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We DON'T wanna "fight back" against a panic attack. The more you "fight" a panic attack, the deeper your nervous system will push you into that panic response.
Panic responses need us to LISTEN to them, breathe INTO them, & roll WITH them-- counterintuitive as that may sound.
(25.1.2023)
This needs clarification:
emotions we feel when in the presence of other people - strong emotions - are not sickness. This is being highly sensitive and processing the information.
Trauma part is when we are exposed to someone who is critical all the time, who nitpicks our behaviour, actions, words, what we said or didn't say, what we have done or what we didn't done and what we were suppose to do - all the time. This creates trauma, this is invalidation, emotional and psychological abuse.
What happens is when we seek answers why we feel after-effect of emotional abuse and invalidation - CBT will explain us that this is social anxiety, sickness and hallucination. That our emotions and reactions in social situations are sickness. Then this creates new layers of anxiety, which was not present before. In this way CBT is doing incredible psychological damage by providing wrong interpretations of being highly sensitive and being traumatized by invalidation.
Effects of invalidation are:
"Invalidation often leads to emotional distancing, conflict, and disruption in relationships, as well as feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, confusion, and inferiority in the affected individual." Psychologist Marsha M.
Effects of emotional abuse:
"Emotional abuse can affect a child's emotional development, including: feeling, expressing and controlling emotions. lacking confidence or causing anger problems. finding it difficult to make and maintain healthy relationships later in life." source: nspcc
Effects of psychological abuse:
What are the signs of physiological abuse?
Possible indicators of psychological or emotional abuse
An air of silence when a particular person is present.
Withdrawal or change in the psychological state of the person.
Insomnia.
Low self-esteem.
Uncooperative and aggressive behaviour.
A change of appetite, weight loss/gain.
Signs of distress: tearfulness, anger.
Source: conventry
The problem with abuse is that if we decide to ignore it in order to protect our mental health - it will continue, it will not stop - and we will be exposed to these toxic after-effects of being exposed to toxic people and their manipulation and intrusion. Yet - if we do something about it - we will worry and lose our peace. Whatever we do will not suffice, it will result in the loss. When we do not hold abusers accountable - they will continue with the abuse. Therefore it is about being aware of abuse and in the same time to ignore it. It is about standing up for ourselves in situations where we won't be fired from job and when we know we won't be back-stabbed by those cowards.
Someone toxic - their words, conduct, but mostly actions and demands and critics - will infect us with worry. We will end up solving their issues and be focused on their issues. Yet - that is the way when we stand up to them. We need to invest energy to know our boundaries. Without knowing that we are not guilty as they accuse us, we won't have arguments against their accusations.
CBT explains social anxiety as fear of criticism and negative evaluation - but this is not true. If this was true - we would feel fear of all criticism and all negative evaluation all the time. We do not feel attacked with safe and healthy people. Everyone makes errors, it is abnormal if someone is constantly relentlessly criticizing over smallest things. CBT does not make this distinction - it over-generalizes and then convice us - victims of abuse - that we are the sensitive ones. And that our reactions to someone toxic being unfair to us is our problem. And CBT makes us believe that we feel these fears of criticism and negative evaluation all the time from everyone.
That is huge problem. If we start to believe that our reactions to toxic people are sickness - we will end up being stigmatized. We will label our natural reactions to abusive people as personal defect. This is now self-abuse. Instead of developing healthy natural reactions that stem from natural anger and emotions - we stifle them down since CBT explains that we are hallucinating the offenses. This is narcissistic abuse itself - we are gaslighted into thinking we are crazy, while the toxic person is actually victim of our reaction to their abusive behaviour.
What I noticed is that toxic people always use our flaws, errors and lack of knowledge to nitpick and make drama out of it, where we get frozen - we cannot response since we are wired to be helpful, good, nice, quick, serviceable, without flaws. This needs to be said, spoken, this needs to be talked about and voiced out. I discovered that trauma of being criticized all the time and punished for expressing our needs and views - result in inability to take into consideration other alternatives to Negative politeness. With trauma we will stay stuck in inability to speak the truth about abuser. We will shut up and self censor and never state our point of view, advocacy - in order to protect the other person from humiliation. That is social anxiety - and that is trauma actually. Social anxiety does not exist as problem. Social anxiety is not abnormal - social anxiety is part of normal experience, of being nice and humble, connecting and agreeable to good healthy people to treat them nicely as they treat us. Social anxiety is being prepared to look good so that we are not disgusting to other people, that we can get along.
Toxic social anxiety, unhealthy social anxiety is trauma - being stuck in Negative politeness. The secondary shame of being unable to defend ourselves adds up to toxic shame already present inside. This is not social anxiety - but on the outside it will look like social anxiety.
That is the reason why nothing helps - and why nothing makes sense - whatever we do.
There is no tip, there is no magical solution.
It is about overcoming fawning freeze reaction in form of Negative politeness. With CBT and judgements we are blamed and stigmatized into believing that our thoughts are sick. That our thought pattern is abnormal and that we need to start thinking in some other way. That will cause personality disorder.
Our thinking is normal. The need to please is normal, it is part of agreeableness - this is how we form connections with people.
The only problem are toxic people who refuse to cooperate.
With CBT explanation that our fear reaction to toxic people makes us believe our thinking is in defect. Then we will be worried and scared about our natural reactions since they are labeled as crazy.
Instead of making friends, instead of having initiatives and instead of expressing our opinion - we are not stuck with toxic shame that we are crazy and that our thinking is abnormal.
I see the only way out of this mess - is realizing that our reactions to toxic people are normal, it is not sickness. Our desire to people please are normal in healthy settings. So the best way is to deal with trauma of being punished for being authentic - by using our agreeableness all the way - which means being totally frank and honest without trying to protect the other person from harm and their rage when they hear the truth.
The trauma part is silence. Inability to express one opinion. Being controlled and manipulated by someone toxic is coercion. This is criminal act.
I see social anxiety trauma as self destructive nature of rigid thinking and rigid mindset - which applies to positive and good things. Rigid thinking is usually connected with dysfunctional negative antagonistic predatory mindset to control and abuse and manipulate others. Rigid thinking is dangerous in no matter what settings. Being always good is not realistic. We need to have shadow in order to be flexible and to react in the context of reality. Denying reality does not always mean living in fantasy. Denying reality is also when we force reality on something that is not real: fake people. We deny the existence of fake people and end up trying to be good and nice to someone who does not deserve niceness nor kindness at all.
The point is that toxic people will shut up kind and nice people. The kind and sensitive ones will isolate and miss opportunities, be immobile and passive - for the fear of punishment. This part we do not see with trauma. With trauma we see Negative politeness where abuser's feelings are important - and our own are flawed, stupid, worthless and unnatural. This belief is conditioning, it is programming - based on relentless criticism. This is not our thinking, this is reflex, learned fear, like Pavlovian dog, it is training as in circus to perform on trigger. Instead of being focused on our emotions, thinking process - the point is to see any blockages, fear and trauma as this training process. So there is nothing to fix in thinking. We do not need tips. We do not need advice. We do not need to smile or think positively. These all we have inside us and we are open to others and gather education and knowledge in natural way as we live our life. With CBT we are made to believe that we must learn skills and behaviour and thinking - while in reality these are all normal. Breaking the programming is not related to our thinking, behaviour in normal and healthy settings around healthy people.
Toxic abusive people are the only problem, they caused the fear of punishment.
Instead of worrying, trying to get revenge, hatred or rancour - the solution is to be authentic, to speak one's own mind without censorship. We have this ability with agreeableness. We know what we need to say - our whole body knows it. It is only when we are forbidden and punished to be ourselves that trauma will occur.
This is the way how psychopaths and narcissists are ruining the economy - this is not only personal intimate issue. People will simply stop making contact with someone who is manipulative and predator, who is using charm to hypnotize victims into taken advantage of.
With Pavlovian dog Skinner's box training into fear - we do not know what to say, what to do. Instead we are stuck in worry, fear and being afraid what will other person do to punish us. We are not aware of self expression, talking the truth spoken without hatred or rancour - which is blunt and brutal to the abuser only.
Once in the conditioned fear - we do not think like ourselves, we do not think about ourselves, the only focus is punishment. We do not think about expressing ourselves, asking for help, stating what I like or dislike - this is forbidden. There is no idea, no innovation, no experiment. There is rigid mindset of not making the abuser mad or angry. This way the abuser is seen as god like creature. And this needs to be broken. It is not matter of thinking - the conditioning is the only problem, programmed fear.
Reality is our weapon against rude people. Toxic people will hate objectivity, facts and transparency - since they live in a fantasy world and see reality as reflection that gets filtered through their prism. They can't handle reality.
That is why rude people are rude - it is their automatic reflex against reality. Most people will isolate, ignore rude people - so rudeness is enforced positively.
I see resolution as understanding that there is nothing to fix, change, monitor, modulate, remove, reject inside us. What happens actually is understanding that fears and panic are natural reactions to unfair events and toxic people - it is not associated with personality flaws or defects no matter what toxic person may imply or directly say about it through their verbal abuse.
Once we are no longer forced to be stuck in PureOCD loops of rumination and fixing ourselves - we will have resources to see what is going on around us, we will see that toxic person is abnormal and not superior to us as they appear with their verbal abuse.
Then the healing would be that previous scary people are no longer important. We would not any longer feel trauma bonded with them, their opinions would not matter any longer
Soothing becomes part of abuse. It is enabling. CBT desensitization and exposure does not work for verbal, emotional and psychological abuse.
I trust the social anxiety trauma which results in fawning stems from the same principle by which narcissists have distorted view of reality. For narcissists, they examine and view and explain the world through the prism of fake self, based on destroyed self worth and deep toxic shame, self hatred. In social anxiety trauma there the world is clear enough - there is no distortion, except for people who appear triggering. People who are rude are automatically seen through the prism of being almighty, god like creatures. This process happens automatically and it is impossible to change it, it does not help if the scared person is explained that other people must not be taken personally. I trust this happens because of trauma, programming (where self expression is punished and ashamed) and exposure to relentless criticism. This way toxic rude people destroy self worth and the same kind of toxic behaviour triggers the state of wounded child where self worth is destroyed. Outside of influence of toxic people - everything comes back to its place, there is no problem, no trauma which prevents living and acting and mobility. It is like rude toxic people are automatic hypnosis and this is hard spell to break.
Trying to fight it, to appear strong, to be rude back to rude people - all result in strain and wasted energy, hypervigilance. I would look at the breaking of the spell.
Thinking about toxic people and how to handle them is bottomless pit of insanity-infinity. It has no resolution. Removing toxicity would mean not having response to toxicity when it happens. We can't handle abnormality with care and love - this will turn into trauma bonding. With trauma, thinking about toxic people is trigger - it brings on flashbacks of past negative experiences.
And this leads to discovery that memories of bad experiences carry with themselves PureOCD worry loop. This would mean that removing memories would help with the focus. Without triggers, there would be no hamster wheel of worries. If narcissists base their reality through the prism of fake self and anything they process goes through this filter - it also means that trauma makes anyone with CPTSD to filter reality through triggers and memories of bad events. This way being trapped in negative loop. It would mean not chasing goals, not developing interests, not building up persona, not making new experiences - since anything would be filtered through past bad event over and over again. Even though it may not be current reality. It means that people with lower IQ are saved by bad memories keeping them stuck in triggers, flashbacks and PureOCD hamster wheel worry - since they simply do not have capacity or processing abilities to store these memories and think them over again.
Since stopping intrusive thoughts does not help - it makes sense to check memories. Memories carry emotions. Knowing about narcissism how they are unable to base their life on reality - it means basing our life reality on memories is unhealthy. It makes sense to learn from our mistakes - and if we went through invalidation and constant criticism - we were trained to rely on our memories to keep us safe. Healthy kids never went through this torture and conditioning so it makes sense why confident people do not seem to be bothered by triggers and flashbacks and intrusive worries.
From the perspective of conditioning it seems as if we would be traitors if we let go of bad memories. It is like and it feels like letting go of abused child and forgetting about him. Yet this is not it. Trauma, bad experiences - these will never be forgotten, we cannot erase this. And what's the worse in this is that amnesia will happen whenever we are in scary situation with amygdala hijacking. What we will be left it are previous memories of bad experiences. Memory of previous bad event which tries to explain the current problem should not be accepted.
DBT is based on switching thinking and focusing on some other interest. However DBT does not recognizes trauma and its after-effects and natural system that keeps us from repeating the same mistakes and not avoiding the danger.
The solution to worry needs to be simple. It should not be complex - since most of people do not perform anything complex, they do not make list or do special techniques. I think this memory shift is the way. Instead of repeating bad memories it is about facing reality as it is.
Advice which we picked up mess things up - since we cannot act someone else. Without being true self we won't have confidence. If I try to be cool - I will never be cool. And this also applies with trying to be perfect and without mistakes. Problem are toxic people who label certain actions and words as sissy, unmanly, weird, abnormal, too sensitive or whatever label. It is now obvious that with bad memories triggering OCD intrusive worry loops - that this means not having true self, not developing self worth - and with fear and panic - it is easy to believe whatever someone loud, obnoxious and intrusive says. Being in panic means being open to suggestion and manipulation and control since we will naturally try to search for grounding.
I would work on letting go negative memories. I guess it is hard because of betraying our hurt self - and holding on to rancour and fantasy of revenge seems like some kind of ability to deal with toxic aggressive people. Paradoxically, in the same time those same negative memories prevent us from making a stand in the present with current issues.
To avoid emotional suppression I would process negative events, I would not stifle them down. It is about finding the correct way how to handle negative events in alignment with agreeableness personality where fight nor fawn response is not primary response.
Bad memories prevent me from taking initiative - since I simply remember dualism double bind reasons why something is error and wrong - and I believe so.
Bad memories also prevent me from self expression, making mistakes, protesting, saying no, negative politeness, having and acting on ideas, anything new really. This would explain arrested development. Not developing certain experiences, new memories, ideas, conclusions.
Removing bad memories that will appear automatically with flashbacks and triggers does not mean blocking new memories, blocking reality. It means being focused on what is happening. This way I will prevent copy-paste mechanism where I place previous data on top of new experience which may seem similar to something bad in the past.
I trust without being trapped in prison of broken record replaying bad events from the past - will set me free to cut contact with toxic people and leave toxic ambient. With intrusive worry I am immobile, passive and permanently scared.
What I feel as anxiety regarding toxic shame - it is not anxiety at all. It is toxic guilt. And this toxic guilt thwarts reality, not anxiety. Anxiety and toxic guilt overlap in symptoms, it appears similar - the same way as covert narcissists and sensitive empaths - but there is also huge difference. Anxiety is being aware of reality, from social anxiety trauma point of view. Toxic guilt mixed inside it gives fawning and fear of punishment - because everything appears as personal fault. That is toxic guilt talking, not anxiety.
Trauma and abuse are part of double binding. It means - if I speak about it I will smother and cause trauma to good people around me by talking about it all the time. If I shut up and keep silent about it - it will destroy me inside since I stifle it down and suppress it. I would say speaking about it once is enough and then use writing like this blog and similar writings as an outlet.
Which leads to discovery that what I perceived as others to be confident and strong - are actually they are not strong nor confident. They can't handle trauma, abuse and mistreatment. It only seems like that because they don't seem to talk about it - but they don't talk about it because they are not so perfect as they appear on the surface or by exterior acting of confidence. All the time I was convinced that they had magical secret weapon and methods how to be chilled, calmed down and cool. They hadn't.
I was reading my blogs from 2 years ago - the titration concept is real. I really do forget helpful tips - and they stay buried in the past. I need to make documented trails for myself to keep on track, like in Hansel and Greta, bread crumbs to help me out of the deep woods. I totally forgot the fact that being trapped by other people's emotions is codependency, it is prison. That I cannot be calmed down until they are calmed down.
Without bread crumbs of tips and resources and explanations I am trapped into current memories and bad event, bad memories - and I can't set myself free. It is then like in a circle, a rondo, rotondo, I move to the same trap and stay inside it, and then spend time, money and focus seeking how to regulate my emotions - while I already dealt with this before. Panic will whipe out the memories and solutions. Toxic guilt also.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Like a hustler, you must find your freedom through the fluidity of your thoughts and your constant inventiveness.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
A Narcissist will intentionally do something to cause you to ask them to stop doing it, so they can feel that criticism and do it all the more to punish you.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
I am sure I am the only one that feels this way , but coercive control is not intimate partner violence, it is more like a military assault. The perpetrator simply crossed enemy lines. There is nothing intimate about it. There are no partners. There is a perpetrator and a victim.
valor, TWITTER:
Don't force yourself to fit in where you don't belong.
valor, TWITTER:
Be loyal to your future not your past.
introvert, TWITTER:
they will always notice u acting different but they never see what they did to make u act that way.
introvert, TWITTER:
stop changing yourself to fit someone who doesn’t even deserve u.
Words Finally Spoken 🇺🇸 Peace for Ukraine 🇺🇦, TWITTER:
Don't give them a reaction and don't engage. They want a sparring partner. They want someone to look crazy and yell and scream at them. They want someone they can blame for their bad behavior. Grey Rock and stay calm. No response. Act indifferent.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
When we don't learn how to be vulnerable, chronic sarcasm becomes the way we cope.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
A common response to childhood emotional abuse is becoming "easy" or tolerant of harmful behavior. Many people become a peacekeeper to avoid the explosions they witnessed as children.
Josh…, TWITTER:
There's a message in the way a person treats you, just listen...
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Sometimes you have to go through painful things in order to uncover your true self.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Experiencing post traumatic symptoms doesn't mean your wiring is f*cked up.
It means the situation you were exposed to was f*cked up.
Trauma LOVES to convince us WE'RE the f*cked up part of the equation-- when the truth is, you may be the LEAST f*cked up element here.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Healing yourself can be offensive to people who benefited from your brokenness.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
What you allow, will continue.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Normalize not forcing people to choose you. If someone thinks they can find better elsewhere - let them. Respectfully.
Ryan 🖖 ♻️ 🌊, TWITTER:
Covert narcissists catch you by acting like the perfect partner at first. They might send you gifts, they’ll act perfectly friendly and nice. After it’s clear you’re emotionally invested they switch gears. They’re aim is to break you down, control your emotional state.
Little by little, they’ll test your tolerance. They’ll expect to sacrifice the things that make you happy to “prove” that you care about them. Their only motivation is for control over you. They want you to be miserable. That’s what satisfies them. Make no mistake, it’s sadistic.
Our conscience, our ability to moralize and criticize the rampant desires of the Id, is the realm of the Superego. It provides us with our sense of right and wrong. It encourages us to remain within the boundaries of social expectations and cultural norms.
Id, Ego, and Superego
Sigmund Freud, 1920
1001 IDEAS THAT CHANGED THE WAY WE THINK
Robert Arp
Freud himself saw the Ego as more of a mediator in a strictly hierarchical structure,driven by the demands of the Id while at the same time confined within the boundaries of the Superego.
Id, Ego,and Superego
Sigmund Freud, 1920
1001 IDEAS THAT CHANGED THE WAY WE THINK
Robert Arp
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
You are not your partners “healer”. Your partner was not sent to you so you can heal them. Stop allowing people to mistreat you because you feel you’re the only one who can help them become a better person. You’re not. That’s not your job. Changing is up to them.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Nobody throws a bigger tantrum than a narcissist getting shown facts and evidence of something they definitely did do.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
It is never harmless to intentionally laugh, mock or belittle someone else's emotional pain, trauma or triggers. A narcissistic bully will laugh, belittle dismiss, call you crazy and trivialize your pain, only a mind of seriously emotionally disturbed & immature person would do
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
What is exploitative narcissism?
Exploitation – This refers to the narcissist's tendency to exploit others and show no regard or empathy for their emotions or interests.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Never reduce yourself to fit in.
If you must change who you are as a person to fit in... You are in the wrong place.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Sign you grew up witnessing dysfunction: when someone is abusive your instinct is to love them harder, rather than to self protect.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Nov 28, 2022
We're not ourselves when we're triggered-- we become who we think we need to be to SURVIVE.
And when we're CONSTANTLY being triggered, our identity can start to slip away-- because our personality and values are CONSTANTLY getting hijacked by fight-or-flight reflexes.
Emily Dini, TWITTER:
Our triggers reveal where our compensations fail. When we can no longer keep up the learned behaviors or appearances that kept us safe in childhood, we feel extremely exposed, vulnerable, or even angry as a defense mechanism.
Epitaph64, TWITTER:
I think the key is just remind yourself of the truth of your memories and apply logic to the situation. We are all slaves to something, so choose your master wisely if given the option.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We develop self-trust by being honest w/ ourselves & clear & consistent about our values.
You know, the same stuff that makes trust with ANYONE possible.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
You can only support someone with what they are already working to heal. If they are blaming you, there is no reason for you to be there!
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Self-care tip for recovering codependents & people pleasers. Wait until they ask for help.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Stay away from people who think communicating is arguing.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You DON'T have to apologize for your feelings. You didn't ASK for you feelings.
How many times have we been made to feel like we have to apologize for things we didn't ask for, didn't want, & didn't have a say in?
Screw that. You feel what you feel. Feelings aren't choices.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
To gain respect from peers, you must repeatedly prove yourself.
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
Highly sensitive people, those who experience their emotions intensely, have super powers. They are attuned to the energy around them. They have to learn how to harness this super power.
Modern medicine will give you a bullshit label & attempt to drug you. They are dangerous
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
sometimes healing is just realizing you're handling a situation better than your old self would have.
introvert, TWITTER:
attention is not love.. remember that
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
People with narcissistic traits often need to maintain their image of perfection in order to keep earning admiration from others. To do this, they may try making you look bad.
https://healthline.com/health/narcissistic-victim-syndrome#:~:text=People%20with%20narcissistic%20traits%20often,try%20making%20you%20look%20bad
David Sammon, TWITTER:
Be the type of person that you want to meet.
Simon Sinek, TWITTER:
We are what we care about. We are not the things we do.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
If everybody likes you, you have a problem.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
The older you get, the more you choose composure over chaos, and distance over disrespect. You prioritize your peace, mental health and happiness — over everything.
Teasha Trista, TWITTER:
It’s important for people to know how NOT being able to regulate emotions looks like.
People through this term around and use it to gaslight people who can self regulate.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Your partner isn’t a self improvement project.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Sometimes we tell ourselves we’re being caring, when in reality we are being controlling.
introvert, TWITTER:
no friendship or relationship is worth ruining ur mental health
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Shame creates defensiveness.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The healthier you get, the more clear dysfunction becomes. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it— the veil is lifted.
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
There would be no “depressive disorder” if sadness was fully embraced & understood. No “anxiety disorder” if anxiety was accepted & we approached deliberately what was controlling us w/ fear.
It’s all paradoxical.
No judgment
Acceptance
Approach don’t escape
Unkonfined, TWITTER:
When you choose peace it comes with a lot of goodbyes.
Josh…, TWITTER:
All abusive, narcissistic relationships end in heartbreak. I wish I had known that, when I thought I was fighting for love and happiness, all I was actually doing, was prolonging my own misery.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma survivors don't have trouble regulating emotions because we're "childish" or "entitled "or "not trying hard enough" or whatever bullsh*t story "they" like to tell.
It's because trauma f*cks us up developmentally during times when we're SUPPOSED to be LEARNING that sh*t.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
The worst part about being strong. Is that nobody ask you if you’re OK.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Train yourself to take nothing personally.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
When someone steps over your boundaries repeatedly to get a reaction. You remove the person not the boundary.
Josh…, TWITTER:
When you start looking at people's heart instead of their face, life becomes clear.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
You don’t need to forgive yourself for what was done to you.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
It’s not that it’s a narcissist looking for supply, it’s that it’s an abuser looking to abuse.
PivotToThePerpetrator
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
Do not allow yourself to be the testing ground for your abuser to prove how much they’ve changed.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You literally feel your energy being drained when you're around people you shouldn't be around.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Kids who grow up w/ unpredictability & violence are often GREAT actors.
It was a SURVIVAL skill.
But sometimes we're so deep in the "performance" that we kinda forget who we are beneath the stage makeup.
One of the things we "recover" in trauma recovery is OURSELVES.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Stop oversharing – not everyone wants what's best for you. Being private af about your personal life is top tier self-care.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Nobody trashes your name better than someone who's afraid you'll tell people the truth..
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It's never occurred to some people that the tools & philosophies of trauma recovery could be helpful to them, because they don't register what happened to them as "trauma."
It was their "normal."
Then, one day, it "clicks"-- & "one day" becomes Day One of trauma recovery.
Guy Scantlebury, TWITTER:
As a therapist once told me “Clients come to you not with their problems, but with their solutions”.
Dr James Davies PhD, TWITTER:
Labelling emotional distress as 'dysfunctional' makes no real psychological sense. All distress is functional if you look deep enough. At the very least it's a protest against harmful circumstances and/or unmet needs. It demands care, understanding & change - not pathologisation.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We're not gonna mock ourselves out of a flashback.
We're not gonna "tough love" our way back from dissociation.
We're not gonna create safety inside our head & heart by talking to ourselves like our abusers & bullies talked to us.
Just not gonna happen.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
With every act of self care your authentic self gets stronger, and the critical, fearful mind gets weaker. Every act of self care is a powerful declaration: I am on my side; each day I am more and more on my side.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You might be YEARS into your trauma recovery and STILL pulling out coping skills you learned in Year One on the daily.
No shame.
The basic skills, tools, & philosophies of trauma recovery are "the basics" because they're fundamental-- not because we master them & move on.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Learning to recognize bullying will help you learn not to blame yourself for someone else’s behavior. You will be less likely to take responsibility for something that isn’t your fault.
ɐuıɯ❣️, TWITTER:
In order to insult me, I must first value your opinion. Nice try though.
⋆, TWITTER:
leave what hurts you
Overmind, TWITTER:
Practice detachment when you sense you are unwanted.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
The narcissist favors people that have weak personal boundaries.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
Your body is not weak for responding to triggers. It’s remembering.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is understanding that some people's version of love is not actually love, it is pain.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of speaking up for yourself if someone is crossing your boundaries or making light of what matters to you.
Toxic individuals violate others without a care....
How you are treated matters because you matter...
Be your own advocate.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Narcissists & Toxic people are hot on respect. They'll insist on getting it from you, but they will never show it to you.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
That critical voice in your mind is not you. It’s the internalized voices of others.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The reason why trauma recovery so often revisits & affirms the fact that you WEREN'T to blame for things that happened TO you, is because our conditioned feelings of fault & responsibility are often the biggest barriers to self-love & self-respect.
Btw: it WASN'T your fault.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
Out of necessity I have created a new concept Im calling purple rock to accompany the strategies of grey rock and yellow rock. Purple rock is when you strategically feign being excited to interact with someone who us otherwise toxic because it is the only way to keep the peace.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Our mind creates stories all day long through assigning meaning to everything you experience. Witness the mind spinning its story: does the story benefit you? Or does it leave you helpless or locked in the past?
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Vitamin D is necessary for mental and physical health. Get into sunlight. Eat vitamin D rich foods.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
If someone asks "what type of therapy do you provide?", and your impulse is to launch into a lecture on how you don't provide a "type" of therapy, you work from an INDIVIDUALIZED CASE FORMULATION, & that the very QUESTION means the asker doesn't UNDERSTAND "therapy"...just, shh.
If someone asks "what type of therapy do you provide?", and your impulse is to launch into a lecture on how you don't provide a "type" of therapy, you work from an INDIVIDUALIZED CASE FORMULATION, & that the very QUESTION means the asker doesn't UNDERSTAND "therapy"...just, shh.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
If the effort ain’t there, I won’t be either.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Your preferences are personal. Make sure you choose someone in alignment with your standards.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
It’s so easy to internalize others opinions. Breathe. Pause. Think. Then respond.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
When people see you disrespecting yourself, they get comfortable with doing the same. & allowing other people to mistreat you is disrespectful to YOU.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
If a person is running from themselves, what makes you think you can save them?
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
If a person is at war with themselves, don’t join the battle in an attempt to bring them peace. Their peace has to come from within.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Sometimes you have to leave, not for ego, but for self-respect.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
Please don’t try to include people in your healing who who show no interest in your overall health.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Hyper-independence is a trauma response where we: rarely or never ask for help, believe no one cares for us, and give up on making any connections at all because we believe eventually we’ll be abandoned.
C.G. Jung Foundation, TWITTER:
"Those people who are least aware of their unconscious side are the most influenced by it." - C.G.J.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
People will provoke you until they bring that you’re ugly side. Then play victim when you go there..
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Don't listen to toxic individuals. You are not crazy or anything else they try to label you with. Standing up for yourself is "not a crime." Boundaries are natural and healthy, don't let them convince you otherwise.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
May we heal from being conditioned to believe we’re responsible for adults feelings and understand our boundaries matter, even when others are disappointed.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Understand: we are all too afraid - of offending people, of stirring up conflict, of standing out from the crowd, of taking bold action.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Avoid people who mess with your head. People who say things to upset you. People who don't apologize. You don't need these kind of people in your life. Let them go.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Your emotional experiences don't define who you are, tell your inner child that.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Timid souls often yearn to be their opposite - to be Napoleaons.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Complex trauma is often NOT as responsive to exposure treatments as traditional PTSD. Its causes & symptoms are often layered-- and FREQUENTLY entwined w/ dissociative barriers.
Exposure "therapy" w/ complex trauma can actually serve to REINFORCE those dissociative reflexes.
Lisa A. Romano, TWITTER:
Not asking for help and believing that doing so implies you’re a burden, is a trauma response. Children who were conditioned to feel like a burden become adults who carry the weight of the world on their shoulders
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Yeah, we MIGHT find it hard to get the hang of relationships & boundaries if, during the time we were SUPPOSED to be learning how all that stuff worked, we were, y'know, busy trying to SURVIVE an abusive home, school, or church situation.
"Resilience" comes at a cost.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Narcissists change the people around them, so they don't have to change themselves.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
"Complex" trauma refers to experiences that unfold over time, often when we were in a vulnerable state & unable to escape.
It CAN be trauma experienced within the family...or institutions w/ which we had enmeshed, longstanding relationships, like church or school.
The copilot didn’t want to come right out and confront the pilot
or authority figure. He didn’t want to step across the line. He
didn’t say, “I don’t think it’s safe to take off. I think we’re all
about to die.” He thought it, but he didn’t say it. He felt it was
better to be polite.
So what was the real cause of the tragedy? The copilot didn’t
have a method for confronting the pilot in a way that he believed
was both direct and respectful. To the copilot, it was unthinkable
and tactless to confront the pilot.
Nevertheless, the failure
had the same root cause: People were afraid to express their concerns openly.
Investigators
who studied the second shuttle disaster suggested that the environment at NASA had become so repressive that individuals
who brought up safety issues weren’t fired, but their job assignments were changed, people stopped listening to them, and they
were “rendered ineffective.”
-
First, what violation or violations should you actually address?
Second, you have to decide if you’re going to say anything. Do you speak up and run the risk of causing a whole new
set of problems, or do you remain silent and run the risk of never
solving the problem?
-
Fear? Make it safe
-
Anyone who has ever dealt with crucial confrontations realizes
that a person’s behavior during the first few seconds of the interaction sets the tone for everything that follows. You have no
more than a sentence or two to establish the climate. If you set
the wrong tone or mood, it’s hard to turn things around.
---
Exactly what are we confronting?
broken promise
a gap; a difference between what you expected and what
actually happened
-
carefully describe the gap. Here’s how:
● Start with safety.
● Share your path.
● End with a question.
Start with Safety
When another person has let you down, start the confrontation
by simply describing the gap between what was expected and
what was observed: “You said you were going to have your room
cleaned before dinner
-
Don’t play games, merely describe the gap. Describing what
was expected versus what was observed is clear and simple, and
it helps you get off on the right foot
-
Stay external. Describe what’s happening outside your head.
(“You cut the person off in midsentence”) as opposed to
what’s happening inside your head (“You’re rude”).
-
“Their team is selfish.”
When this happens, probe for details. Ask them to share what
they actually heard and saw.
-
To restore safety, you point to your shared purpose.
You assure the other person that you care about what he or she cares
about.
-
Others
only hear your position; they never see you as a person.
And when you do interact, feel free to let down your business persona and connect at a personal level.
-
And if you don’t notice the lack of problems (“things gone
right”), you certainly won’t praise people.
"Crucial Confrontations_ Tools for talking about broken promises, violated expectations, and bad behavior"
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Your explanations are content that the narcissist will try to use to further manipulate you.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
The more you forgive a narcissist the worse their behaviour gets.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Just because someone carries it well doesn't mean it isn't heavy.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Our past shows up in how we cope with the present.
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness, TWITTER:
Talk, share, cry, laugh, scream… you do whatever you need to do to heal and don’t let anyone else tell you anything different.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The best way to cope with highly critical parents isn't to endlessly try to please them. This will only lead to resentment and pain. It's to understand they have a conflicted relationship with themselves, and to start making choices in your own best interest.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
You won’t be over it, until your nervous system can regulate it. You won’t move on, until your body feels safe to. You won’t “just think positive” until your thoughts have been affirmed & you are able to heal. If it’s not trauma informed, it’s not meant to heal trauma.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Dissociation often isn't an all-or-nothing thing-- & often we don't even REALIZE we're triggered & dissociating until we've lost a LOT of time or someone else points it out.
Dissociation by definition f*cks w/ how you process time & awareness.
You're NOT "crazy"-- really.
Andrew Campbell, TWITTER:
When the abuser is your parent, the harm usually lasts for your entire life. You get older, things change, but the harm persists. They find new ways to hurt you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Complex trauma can really f*ck w/ our perception of & response to authority.
I sabotaged COUNTESS jobs & professional relationships before I figured out feeling controlled or condescended to was triggering the hell out of me.
And if we try to ignore it, it WILL snowball.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is when your empathy doesn't cancel your self care.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic personalities view healthy boundaries as a personal insult, which is exactly why that boundary was put in place.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Post traumatic avoidance is less a "choice" we make than a powerful REFLEX we experience.
Avoidance is a core SYMPTOM of trauma-- NOT evidence of cowardice.
"Just face it" is about as helpful as "just lower your body temperature" when you have a fever.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
I’ve worked with many people who claim they’re fine but are actually in a functional freeze response. They tend to be high achievers and workaholics who perform well and feel numb inside. Almost as if they’re watching themselves live life, not experiencing it
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Stop trying to make things right with someone who is only looking at what is wrong with you.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
When they don’t have a valid argument but don’t want to agree with your valid point, they throw around accusations to shame you into silence, so they can continue being toxic.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
This is used with defamation and setting their victims to look like something they are so not.
This is done so they can continue to escape accountability.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The most damaging part of experiencing childhood abuse isn’t just the abuse itself. It’s that we weren’t allowed to stand up for ourselves. To place a boundary and say “no” or “enough.” As children, parents are gods and when they hurt us breaks our spirit.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Flashbacks & nightmares can lead to VERY real, VERY physical exhaustion & pain.
That's not you being "weak"-- that's your body physically responding to the f*cking hurricane of hormones & muscle tension that flashbacks & nightmares produce.
Trigger "hangovers" ARE a thing.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Invalidation is a red flag.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Survivors don't have to be polite to anyone who makes them feel uncomfortable.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
If you’re not willing to have honest conversations and heal, that’s your decision. And when people choose to no longer be in your presence because they are trying to heal, that’s theirs.
The Caffeinated Therapist 🐝, TWITTER:
I wish more people understood that absence can be just as traumatizing or triggering as presence. An absence of love, connection, protection, validation, attention, care, prioritization, etc can be traumatizing and triggering. Neglect is abusive. And it leaves you feeling empty.
Diane Langberg, PhD, TWITTER:
Never assume that someone who is gifted verbally and has theological knowledge is spiritually wise and mature.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You are not responsible for anyone's distorted perception of you.
Stand firm in your own light and truth..
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is understanding that they are only critical of you because they are deeply insecure.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
What is unprofessional disrespectful behavior?
Abusive language. Threats of violence. Use of obscenities or other non-verbal expression of aggression. Behavior that a reasonable person would find to be demeaning, humiliating or bullying. Deliberately
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
There’s no good time to approach a narcissist about something they’re not interested in communicating about.
Josh…, TWITTER:
A broken person does not need to be fixed. A broken person just needs to be loved and treated right.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
4 harsh truths that changed my life:
- not everyone wants to get better
- words are hallow, behavior is true communication
- chronic venting keeps us stuck in cycles
- blaming others serves the ego, and blocks us from creating the life we choose
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Be smart, don’t react to people not worth it.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The game changes when we give ourselves permission to NOT listen to the unsolicited advice of people who've shown, over & over again, that they don't know sh*t about complex trauma or dissociation.
Life's too short, & we have more important recovery priorities.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Sometimes burning bridges isn't a bad thing. It prevents you from going back to a place you never should of been to in the first place.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
A toxic person will ask for your opinion just so they can argue with you.
⋆, TWITTER:
stop being nice if it breaks you
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
As I work to heal from emotional immaturity I notice how often I took things personally that never were about me.
Matt 〽️ Mental Sovereignty, TWITTER:
Age 0-3 - Attachment Issues.
Attachment Issues lead to lifelong issues with relationships.
Are you uncomfortable alone?
Do you cut people out quickly?
Are you super needy or need approval?
Are you hurt deeply by people's actions often?
You may have "Attachment Issues."
Brian Greene, TWITTER:
Here's one shocking thing about quantum mechanics: As a particle travels, it explores every possible path, and what we observe is a particular melding of them all.
Brian Greene, TWITTER:
Dec 20, 2022
"It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring."--Carl Sagan, died OTD 1996.
Brian Greene, TWITTER:
We spend our lives floating on a sea of repelling electrons. We never actually touch anything. Just saying.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Many of us are addicted to our own suffering because it provides us with the familiar feelings of: helplessness, frustration, and abandonment we experienced as children.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Your inherent, human value doesn't change because someone treats you like sh*t.
There are people who spatter food on priceless works of art because of their own sh*t.
THEIR inability to perceive or respect worth does not CHANGE the fact that YOU? Are a MASTERPIECE.
Josh…, TWITTER:
I don't who needs to hear this, I know you can't stop overthinking, but please don't believe everything you overthink.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The invisible epidemic: a society of adults in arrested development. Children walking around in adult bodies looking for the love they never got from a parent.
Lana Horowitz, TWITTER:
A liar will get mad at you... for knowing the truth.
~Unknown~
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
"I should be over this by now."
Yeah? Says who? And so what?
We are EXACTLY where we are-- & "shoulding" on ourselves is an EXCELLENT way to discourage us, distract from the task in front of us, & slow us down more.
Get that BS (Belief System) outta here.
"Narcissists are masters of pathologizing your emotions. They convince you that your emotional reactions to the abuse are the problem, rather than the abuse itself."
- Shahida Arabi
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
If you want to confront a narcissist about how they wronged you, then be prepared to watch how they make it all your fault.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You're not a "bad person" if you choose to not forgive.
You CAN still heal, REGARDLESS of the decisions you make about whether, when, or why to forgive.
Forgiveness DOESN'T suddenly heal our traumatized nervous system.
YOU get to choose IF forgiveness is on the table.
J.Townsend - Teacher/Writer, TWITTER:
When I discovered what narcissism was and I began to think about my relationships with 'friends', family; work colleagues over the years, I realised I was a narc magnet, had absolutely NO boundaries and was only of value when serving others as a fuel source!
No more of that!
Introvert Problems, TWITTER:
The people that always complain I don’t talk enough never seem to actually listen when I do speak
'The one that caused you sorrow cannot soothe you. Stop waiting for that sorry and start walking to your inner serenity.' - Anita Anand
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Minimizing the trauma doesn't help healing.
Choosing not to call it "trauma" doesn't change how it impacted your nervous system.
Trauma doesn't care what we call it or if we think it was a "big deal." It injured us EXACLY how it injured us.
Recovery is not about semantics.
CPTSD Foundation, TWITTER:
Unresolved trauma can impact the lives of survivors in many ways. Many are trapped in the fear of re-experiencing a trauma-related trigger that can leave them in a freeze state.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Be happy, it drives people crazy.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
Stop trying to love the red flags out of people
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Maybe you're not inherently "indecisive."
Maybe you've been controlled by shame & punishment for so long that your nervous system sees every choice point now as a no win situation (or a trap).
Maybe that post traumatic "freeze" response pops up in unexpected places.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Lots of people reading this know what it's like to have an absolute VOLCANO erupting inside them-- but to the outside world, they might seem calm, serene, even a little flat.
Trauma survivors learn to live MULTIPLE lives-- & our inner & outer selves are often VERY different.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Being called crazy or sensitive for reacting to disrespect is manipulation.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Vitamin D and C help with reducing anxiety in the morning.
(5.2.2023)
Toxic people trigger constant hypervigilance. Then we end up being offended by everything and too serious: someone who cannot laugh at themselves and is constantly offended.
This is like being under the glass jar, it is like trapped energy effect - it just keeps on getting hotter and hotter until it bursts. And we are unable to see that we don't take ourselves too seriously since we experienced trauma assault. The pain of aggression, humiliation of not having response - keeps us being trapped in being offended, with rancour. And if we do not do anything in the future - this builds up as proof we are weak and unworthy. However if we do speak up - we end up being labelled as oversensitive and weak and unworthy.
That is why self worth is the only way. We can't base our worth and safety on other people - if we do, we will be stuck in being offended all the time, oversensitive to criticism. It is counter-intuitive, it feels wrong - but the correct approach would be to react and speak up and in the same time not carring if the other person will listen to us, change or do anything. By speaking up and voicing out our perspective, without Ad Hominem traps - we will feel good about ourselves for not being silent and tolerating the abuse in silence. Also we need to know if we carry grudge against toxic and difficult people - we will be trapped in endless oversensitivty and being offended by everyone all the time about anything they say do or what they not-say and not-do.
"I felt like I was in physical danger if I had a verbal altercation with anyone"
Yep, this comment on YT - that is the most simplest definition of Complex Trauma social anxiety trauma that I found someone describing it. It is consise and up to the point.
As Richard Grannon said in his Woke oversensivity video: "You feeling uncomfortable is not the same as being punched in the face."
The solution to rude people is in third way, alternative - that we react to rude people but without fawning and without hysteria. That is impossible task for someone experiencing high panic symptoms. And that keeps us trapped in social anxiety trauma. Without standing up for ourselves we end up in anxiety and fears and panic and limited life.
Healthy option would be to come up with ideas, realizations which are realistic, which calm us down and give us stance and energy to have hope and give us guidance and inspiration to make healthy choices about anything in life. With fear and trauma we are trapped under the glass jar where are limited in ideas and helpful tips and paths. In fact - there are none. We only see fear and punishment and potential catastrophe which looms and it imminent.
It is like with trauma and panic we lack agent inside us which would pick us up, guide us, remind us of evaluating true reality: are we really in physical danger or are we re-imagining the past horror traumatic experiences in our head and it appears real, and that we do not give our decisions to be based on trauma, fear and past abusers and that agent would help us be innovative, come up with new ideas, reminds us about forgotton ones, to stick with our values, true self. And then base our decisions on this ability to be healthy. When we are traumatized we don't have ability to see how sick it is to be stuck in rumination, how it affects us - and we have no ability to see alterantives and that we are not in physical imminent danger. With trauma and panic and flashbacks, and learned criticism about anything we do - we will judge our actions, inactions on this unfair biased small minded fear panic state. So even if I do the most correct thing in response to something difficult - I will still feel toxic guilt.
Due to bullying and abuse with social anxiety trauma - I am unable to hold on to information that bullies are insecure and that they project their own insecurities onto the target and that this deflection is their strategy of no one paying attention to their own flaws and errors and imperfections. I totally forget this information and when someone is rude - and that is triggering, prompting over-reaction and feeling I am in physical danger - is that I go along with this person's mindset and the pattern that they spew out. It is colonization of mind, as Sam Vaknin describes it. I feel trapped without means of escape. And this panic mixed with new panic of being trapped makes me forget useful information that I learned before. I would use titration to pick up needed resources and data. But the essential problem is inability to trust myself and to keep in my self worth, to stay present in internal intrinsic locus of control. I side with the abuser, I feel the attack is imminent and I flee from myself - and this freezing and fawning makes me excellent target for abusers since I will doubt my actions and inactions - whatever I do, it will feel wrong. This happens due to Complex Trauma - and the solution is in believing myself, trusting myself firmly, standing up inside myself for myself. It is not about going to war to protect my image of not being seen as coward. It is about rejection of aggressor as valid person that I am supposed to trust.
Double binding and dualism means that anything in life can be intepreted as good or evil, in one way or another. With trauma, abuse, social anxiety trauma, panic - we will tend to side with negative side of dualism - and being stuck and trapped in negativity - where we are unable to be active, innovative, to come up with functional and healthy answers. There needs to be belief in positive agent, agent of change which will help us looking for silver lining, different angles, new solutions, trying and experimenting when we tried everything, remembering old solutions and old knowledge which we foreget due to panic amnesia. And without knowledge that we stick to our values instead of leaning on current atmosphere, orders and someone's commands.
I have noticed this lack of agent phenomena, that I tend to not try again or I dismiss other solutions just because it seems similar and hence not worth trying again - I give up too soon. And only to find later on that I was so close to solution, I simply did not take that very last step due to firm belief I was wrong.
With taking all things reagarding codependency issues, covert narcissists, toxic guilt - there is the ultimate clear conclusion that I am too open for everyone. And that is agreeableness - it is trait, it is a gene in body - it is defense mechanism in early trauma, it is programmed, it cannot be removed. I would not feel good if I change my persona into fight response and ignoring and suppressing emotions. It would be easier, it would prevent shame and devil on shoulder telling me that I fawn and that I am embarrassed for existing or being mistaken.
What I see as solution is somewhere in the middle- that I do stay open and friendly as I always have been - yet to endorse policy of blocking and ignoring and that I express my boundaries - which I learned in social media - and simply transpose it into real life, to be objective and honest and knowing the existance of devil on the shoulder and internal agent which helps me secure psychological security. Devil on the shoulder will tell me that I am in physical danger when someone is rude, that this person is powerful and that I must shut up. Facts and objectivity, real life is not insult. Devil on the shoulder will tell me it is and then I resort to Negative politeness. Ending up with toxic empathy and toxic guilt.
Covert narcissists with borderliners on one side and at the other side sensitive empaths HSPs are similar, they overlap in many areas. The biggest difference is in aggression. Cluster B is aggressive, they meddle in other people. Cluster B also mimics social anxiety and empathy and concern as a selfish, methodical mechanism and tool to exploit, control and manipulate the other person. Also, faking empathy is a tool to trap true sensitive empaths and HSPs. This makes covert abusers more insidious, more dangerous than overt abusers - since we will trust covert abusers, they will enter our private area like Trojan Horse. I cannot emphasize how much important is to know this fact, and I will repeat it over and over again. Covert abusers will fake being a victim and we'll take mercy on them, we will be forced to be stuck in Negative politeness with them - since anything opposite will be taken as hostile and trigger for drama, and they won't care what we say anyway in the end.
Instead of desensitization I would rather go into direction of psychological safety and definition of safety. If someone appears rude and aggressive - are they dangerous, is there a real threat?
Being traumatized overlaps with over-sensitivity. The same way as covert narcissists overlap with sensitive traumatized empaths and HSPs.
The only difference, once more, is that over-sensitive people as oppose to the traumatized ones - are acting up on their fantasies, they hurt other people based on imagined threat which was not processed. Traumatized empaths are aware that they might be wrong - so they do not act upon their triggers, they do not engage in fight response - where triggers and original trauma are also not processed - however they are grounded in reality and see what is happening. Usually rude, obnoxious, loud, aggressive people who trigger traumatized ones are not in most cases angry at someone, they simply act angry in general, and they do not attack the other person - personally. What happens next is that traumatized ones will seek information about abusers and learn how covert and over narcissists think - and this new information will only add to confusion and doing nothing, reacting nothing to someone being rude. Covert narcissists and borderliners will act, they will nag and complain and do most hurtful acts passively on nice and kind people around them which they trapped by faking being empath and by faking being a friend.
Rude and loud and aggressive people act on hurt, injustice, problems by screaming and exhibiting behaviour of overt narcissists. Here we also have over-lapping between mentally ill person and someone who is in real problems and has no resources to resolve it. Our task as socially anxious traumatized people is to learn this over-laps and act accordingly.
If we see that person is not mentally ill but facing real problems and exhibits annoying behaviour in incidents - not always - it is clear that this is not a pattern, then we can re-act in helpful way. With narcissists this helpful way is exploitation. There is a difference. If we stay with person who is always controlling and screaming and being hysterical all the time, no matter what happens, is it real threat or not - we will end up injured in the end, since anything we do is doomed to be turned against ourselves.
With angry person facing tough time, we can overlook and shut up, we can react and speak up - without no repercussions. With toxic person both action or inaction is doomed to blame, shame and injury.
We are over-sensitive when we do not have this ability to process reality, when we cannot discern abuse from someone having a bad day. In any case fight response is not correct one.
Respondning to angry person can be telling the truth and warning them and alerting them, being honest and blunt, without Negative politeness. I believe with social anxiety we never have done this - we never tried and experimented to check what is happening. If someone appeared hysterical - we would immediately withdrawn and fawn. This is something we ought to learn in childhood when we started to avoid people. This ability to be on par with other person, it was never explored, tried and we never had on hand experience what would happen if we say no, protest, suggest alternatives.
With fear, panic, toxic shame, I get in tunnel vision and can't see bigger picture, then I quit at the start. Basically I have no idea that I have Devil on my shoulder whispering me wrong explanations, reminding me of past traumas and that my free agent is suppressed and locked outside of my consciousness. To me being negative and being stuck in gloom is consciousness. I do not see it as Devil on the shoulder at all. I see whatever appears from what Devil says as reality, I do not question it, I do not doubt it. Choosing well-being would mean allowing agent of change inside me to have free speech, free access and rely on being positive as inspiration and ideas that would help me deal with issues and complications and how to soften the blow.
Being oversensitive, traumatized - it appears as if criticism is equal to communication. As if there is no difference between arguing and communicating. With trauma we can't tell the difference. Criticism appears everywhere - and I see healing in ability to first understand that there is a difference. Toxic people mess this up since they mimic talking and conversing - only to enjoy in drama and conflict. Yet it is up to us to speak our truth - not to shut up and self censor ourselves. Our task is to distingusih when someone is arguing or communicating. When we are traumatized this ability to distinguish will be hard. Criticism will appear everywhere and it will trigger us into amygdala hijacking and it will be hard to remember that there is a difference between arguing and communicating. With amnesia we won't know there is a difference at all, we won't be aware of this fact.
With social anxiety trauma we will be inside toxic ambient - otherwise we would not feel it, we would not develop insecurity around psychopaths - we would not meet anyone who is parasite, so we would not know it, we would not recognize it. They would probably leech on us without social anxiety experiences or we would cut it off without any emotional programming that we have with trauma.
And that is the key - social anxiety trauma is teaching us, giving us message that is was not our fault, there is nothing to be blamed for. Nobody is built to deal with evil, anti-people are mysterious entity, unknown and empty, there is nothing to learn about something that is opposite from life.
Social anxiety with avoidance is actually a healthy response in toxic and judging ambient where my reaction to toxicity says: "I don't need your approval. I'm not making decisions based on your opinion of me."
This social anxiety avoidance then is an unconscious effort of trying to listen to my own heart to protect myself from toxic people.
While logic, CBT, toxic people themselves - their control and manipulation and simple put downs to feel superior, are all pushing me to give up on myself, to doubt myself, to develop self critical self pathology mindset. Then social anxiety occurs as signal to quit connections with people who are toxic: critical, abusive, intrusive. That is totally different explanation from CBT ideology where social anxiety is imaginary and where toxic people do not exist.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Even if you can't put your finger on exactly why you don't trust someone, go with your gut.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
If a man knows more than others, he becomes lonely.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Trauma teaches you to close your heart and armor up.
Healing teaches you to open your heart and boundary up.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Struggling with PTSD is often like having two buttons in front of you at all times: one marked "barely react at all," & the other marked "OVERREACT LIKE THE INCREDIBLE HULK RARARARAR."
Trauma RECOVERY is about replacing those buttons w/ a multi-setting DIAL of responses.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
For those with childhood trauma, the body can get stuck in fight or flight. Every shift in mood, change in voice, or shift in facial expression keeps us in a threat response throughout our day. The exhaustion is real, but our bodies can’t rest.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Yeah, after years of post traumatic emotional numbing, you MIGHT do impulsive sh*t or be drawn to conflict or complicated relationships just to FEEL something.
That's NOT "crazy." That's your nervous system trying to solve a problem-- like MOST "crazy" post traumatic patterns.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You didn't become selfish; you became harder to manipulate. Don't confuse the two.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
The key to a healthy relationships is to find someone who values what you value. A core value of one person might be faithfulness, while another may see this as much less important. We’ve been given a narrow idea of what a healthy relationship looks like.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Accepting that we GET to have boundaries; that setting boundaries is normal & IMPORTANT in healthy relationships; & figuring out what our boundaries should realistically BE, is only PART of the battle.
Then there's STICKING to our OWN boundaries-- WITHOUT caving or apologizing.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Personal boundaries is when you no longer try to extinguish other people's emotional fires.
RoninNoChill, TWITTER:
Narcissists create the same problems that they later play the victims of. It's always intentional, and it's always calculated for exactly that effect.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Narcissist personality disorder is a condition where the sufferer gets to destroy people’s lives, while their victims get blamed and end up In therapy.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When we were taught to doubt, disown, & dismiss who we are, what we're good at, & what we value-- i.e., we grew up w/ complex trauma-- we tend to over identify w/ OTHERS' perceptions & judgments of us.
At the CORE of trauma recovery is rebuilding our very IDENTITY-- day by day.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Emotional reactivity is so common because few of us learned to self regulate as children. Confidence comes when we can witness our emotions come and go, rather than reacting to our own emotional state.
⋆, TWITTER:
Are you healed or just trying not to think about it?
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We're not gonna recover at the same time we're invalidating the living sh*t out of ourselves & our experiences. Just not gonna happen.
"Validation" may SOUND warm & fuzzy & aspirational-- but it is a straight up CORE trauma recovery skill.
And skills require practice.
Josh…, TWITTER:
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, show up and never give up.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
You have always deserved emotional understanding & validation, maybe the people who were around you just weren't able to provide it.
Lisa A. Romano, TWITTER:
If your life isn't working, its probably because you say no to the wrong things and yes to things you should say no to.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
After traumatizing someone, an abuser will be quick to remind them of good memories they’ve contributed to. There are millions of people that contribute to other peoples good memories without also traumatizing them. It’s fine to remember the good, but never to neutralize abuse.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Sometimes we get up in our head. You know what I'm talking about.
"I don't have anything worthwhile to say." "I contribute nothing." "Expressing myself just takes up oxygen & adds no value."
That's BS (a Belief System-- but also bullsh*t). Spin. Propaganda.
Don't buy in.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
People who see your value will respect your boundaries.
The End.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
If you tend to take things personally get curious about the messenger:
1. Are they emotionally healthy?
2. Would you want to live their life?
3. Do they have healthy relationships?
If not, you can choose to not internalize their perspective as truth.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
As a psychologist, I believe diagnosis can be disempowering or empowering. I have read so many views on both and have learned the meaning or narrative around the diagnosis is more important than the diagnosis itself.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma symptomatology is our nervous system & "parts" of ourselves trying to communicate with us. Calling them "liars" doesn't nurture self-trust, self-respect, or internal cooperation.
This is the kind of thing "trauma informed care" ACTUALLY means. "Our vibes lie often" might seem fine as a description to someone who isn't familiar w/ the tropes & stigmas that trauma survivors encounter daily-- even from professionals.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Complex trauma will miss NO opportunity to get you questioning your relationships or the reality of your experience. It LIVES for that sh*t. IYKYK.
Remember: trauma is a MASTER impressionist, impersonating Obvious Reality at every turn.
Do not click "Accept." It's malware.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Your brain will come up with LOTS of reasons why you weren't REALLY abused or neglected, how you're making too big a deal of everything, how you don't "count" as a "survivor."
You need to know: almost EVERY survivor's had almost EXACTLY that set of doubts.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
How to deal with narcissists 101: tell them they’re right & walk away with your peace.
It’s not about winning the argument it’s about maintaining your sanity.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Their blaming is really telling you that they are not yet ready to face their unresolved emotional traumas.
karen unrue, TWITTER:
Circumstances are like British weather … youve got to learn to be happy in the rain or you’ll go bonkers
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Living w/ trauma can be f*cking exhausting. Some people will never know how tiring it can be to just EXIST when your past is constantly pounding on the door to the present.
The b*tch of it is, trauma makes us feel guilty for resting & recharging-- even AS it's wearing us out.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Intuition never lies.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is understanding that blaming is never justified or acceptable.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
It's not a "crime to stand up for your rights or set boundaries for your life."
Manipulators and other toxic personalities hate that you "stand up for yourself and others." So keep standing your ground & boundary up my friends.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
What other people think of you, is None of your Business. Live your Life
reggie mills, TWITTER:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but let them lose you, they had enough chances.
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
Some people live in a story their mind creates, many of us do to an extent.. then tell that story to a mental health professional who may quickly provide a fake diagnosis and recommend a drug after hearing it for 20 minutes
reggie mills, TWITTER:
The best gift you can give yourself is to stay away from toxicity.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Not everyone will like you. That’s life and that don’t matter.
valor, TWITTER:
Be private, not everyone wants what's best for you.
Dr James Davies PhD, TWITTER:
Can we at least agree on this: that as a society we need to move away from a mental health system that privileges pathologising & medicating our emotional pain, towards one that foregrounds psycho-social-relational understandings & interventions in the management of distress.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The voices of our bullies & abusers we've internalized often sound "right," because we're so USED to hearing 'em. We grew up w/ 'em. They fit our beliefs about who we are & what we deserve.
Rewiring those beliefs can be painful-- we're literally, PHYSICALLY altering our brain.
valor, TWITTER:
Put your energy into things that matter to you.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Unhealed trauma will sometimes give you a high tolerance threshold to emotional abuse and mistreatment. Just because you can handle it, doesn't mean you have to accept it. You deserve healthy love, remember that.
valor, TWITTER:
Nobody owes you. Got to get up and get it.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
When a toxic individual senses that you are becoming confident in yourself or independent in validation, they will go to lengths to re-traumatize you again.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Narcissists go from spoiling you to spoiling everything for you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Blog: "We’re always telling ourselves narratives— stories about what things mean, who we are, what we’re all about.
Trauma has a way of seeping into those narratives— so insidiously that we very often don’t even realize it."
• ₣ɆⱤ₳Ⱡ 𝓣𝓼𝓾𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓮•(ツンデレ), TWITTER:
How can people be all buddy-buddy with abusers/predators/stalkers and then expect others to feel safe around them?? That is beyond messed up.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
I cannot tell you how many times I let the fantasy of the "perfect" be the sworn enemy of the "good enough to keep me alive & taking baby steps in my trauma recovery."
It was a game changer when I decided, f*ck "perfect"-- I am all in on realistic, sustainable recovery.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The final stage of healing is using what happened to you to help other people.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
You know you are healing when you no longer reply to the narcissist with a smiley face even though you feel uncomfortable.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Sometimes it’s anxiety and not your intuition. it takes awareness to learn the difference.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
The toxic person will continue the conflict with you even after you have taken responsibility & apologized. Don't bother.
Frederik Ribersson, TWITTER:
If they don’t want an end to conflict, why give them rope to hang us with?
Josh…, TWITTER:
Things everyone needs to come to terms with:
1. No response is a response.
2. If they wanted to, they would.
3. Not everyone has the same heart as you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Please do yourself a favour. Don’t lower your standards to fit in. Don’t shrink who you are to make others feel comfortable. Do find and surround yourself with people who like you just the way you are and who encourage you to keep growing.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
Please don’t allow someone to use their hurtful past as their reason for why they keep hurting you.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Like a hustler, you must find your freedom through the fluidity of your thoughts and your constant inventiveness.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Ignoring red flags because you want to see the good in people will cost you later.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Because trauma is stored within our bodies, we can’t reason or talk our way out of it. Intentionally creating space for our body to feel safe each day is a key part of self care.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Caring what people think about you is natural. Letting it drive your behaviors and keep you from doing things you believe in is usually a sign of codependency conditioning. The core belief in codependency is: what people think of me defines what I think of me.
Josh…, TWITTER:
I am no longer available for things or people that make me feel like crap.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Boundaries are how we teach people how we want to be treated.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When we're programmed & conditioned to believe we're bad, nasty, or sinful by our caregivers, peers, or institutions...is it any WONDER shame becomes our baseline?
Rewriting that old code takes time. We get anxious f*cking w/ "truths" we've believed for as long as we remember.
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
Victims of childhood abuse & neglect get mislabeled in the mental health system
Oppositional Defiant Disorder
ADHD
Bipolar Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Dysruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder
⋆, TWITTER:
I need to stop thinking people care about me the way I care about them
karen unrue, TWITTER:
WHATEVER UNPLEASANTNESS YOU ARE EXPERIENCING TODAY
remember youve been here before&you always make it through&it passes. Ive ridden more tornadoes than I care to recall&I’ve learnt they eventually run out of steam&calm is restored. Youve got this even if it feels like u havent
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Share your originality only with tolerant friends and those who are sure to appreciate your uniqueness.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Stop thinking too Much. Its OK Not to know All the Answers
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
There's NO surefire, works-every-time-for-everybody technique for managing flashbacks or body memories when they're triggered.
In my experience, moving my body in a chosen, controlled way can HELP break the spell-- as can inhaling slowly & purposefully (the "invisible joint").
Jerome Jenkins, TWITTER:
Different parts of your personality grow at different speeds.
Lindsay Goodman 🏳️🌈 (she/her), TWITTER:
Abuse survivors are often left with long term physical, emotional/psychological, financial, issues (etc). Their abusers keep on living like nothing ever happened.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
when you have a gorgeous heart and genuine intentions you don’t lose anybody – they lose you.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Don't let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace.
valor, TWITTER:
Stop trying to love the red flags out of people
Josh…, TWITTER:
Real is rare, but fake is everywhere.
IMRAN...., TWITTER:
Be careful of the words you use with people. Sometimes they wear them forever.
IMRAN...., TWITTER:
You get to a point where you're tired of telling someone how to treat you. If they haven't learnt by now, take your energy elsewhere.
IMRAN...., TWITTER:
Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart.
José N. Harris
IMRAN...., TWITTER:
There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.
Buddha
Only those who have deep love can feel deep pain.
Tolstoy
There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go.
T.Williams
Josh…, TWITTER:
Don't be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yourself trying to make everyone around you happy.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Alpha empaths lead in a very human, connected way: they are authentic, lean towards cooperative, collaborative efforts, and ensure that those they work with feel validated and appreciated.
CPTSD Foundation, TWITTER:
Narcissists are naturally insidious characters. They employ a deft combination of gaslighting, manipulation, and outright lies to steal the narrative and perpetuate evil.
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
Feeling numb is not mental health care
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Sometimes the place you are used to isn't the place where you belong.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Learning to recognize bullying will help you learn not to blame yourself for someone else’s behavior. You will be less likely to take responsibility for something that isn’t your fault. Learn more http://stopworkplacebullies.com
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Before they abuse them, the narcissist will covertly test someone to see if they will stay quiet about their questionable behavior.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Manipulation is when they always blame you for how you react to their toxic behaviour, but never discuss their disrespect that triggered you.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Normalize not forcing connections with people. When someone doesn't see the value in having you by their side, don’t try to convince them.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
A Narcissist will be angry with you for finding the truth out about them.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We trauma survivors are really "good" at grinding through every f*cking day as if we have something to prove to the entire world.
Realistic trauma RECOVERY asks us to give up the fantasy that every waking minute is a competition-- or that we have to "earn" the right to EXIST.
Jacklena Bentley, TWITTER:
A narcissist will set you up to fail and then mock and shame you for it.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
A safe partner’s words will align with their actions. They’re do what they say they’ll do. And if they don’t, they’ll tell you why.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Lots of us got so much mileage out of people- & authority-pleasing growing up, that when we learn that part of trauma recovery might involve reducing our "fawn" response, it's scary-- because how are we gonna get approval NOW??
Yup. It IS scary. But don't let it derail you.
Josh…, TWITTER:
I don't know who needs to hear this but..."You don't have to accept things you are not okay with."
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
We live in an abuser centered world. When a survivor speaks up about trauma done to them, the focus goes to the abuser. People will narrate why it happened defending the abuser, & show compassion for the one being called out. No healing will happen like this. The cycle continues.
Narcissistic Support, TWITTER:
A narcissist will character assassinate those who dont worship them. Ie. They will create 3-4 character traits about you and paint you as a complete monster. You, in this new distorted rhetoric, will be a complete helpless loser. But remember, its not reality, its their rhetoric
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Hey. You. Person in trauma or addiction recovery. Don't get freaked out by off the cuff tweets from therapists about how "meaningful psychotherapy" takes years.
Those tweets are about THEIR business model-- not YOUR problems or recovery.
YOU focus on today. THIS 24 hours.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
There's not a thing in the world wrong w/ liking external validation. I LOVE external validation. C'mon. Of course it feels good.
In trauma recovery we just gotta be careful & real w/ ourselves about what external validation does & doesn't mean about our basic worth & value.
Ryan 🖖 ♻️ 🌊, TWITTER:
Another pattern I notice all the time: (literally just happened again)
The people that blame the victims of #NarcissisticAbuse or deny that the victim’s trauma came from abuse, usually are abusive narcissists themselves. Watch out for it. They tell on themselves.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
In trauma recovery, lots of us who never thought of ourselves as "highly sensitive people" learn that HOLY SH*T ARE WE ARE HIIIIIIGHLY SENSITIIIIIVE!!!
No shame. That's a trauma thing & a genetics thing.
And being in trauma RECOVERY means we're finally learning to manage it.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
A child shouldn't have to try & fix their home environment so they can feel safe & comfortable.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Psst. Victims of childhood neglect often have overwhelming fears of abandonment because childhood neglect IS a form of abandonment.
You're not making it up. Your nervous system knows what abandonment feels like.
Jacklena Bentley, TWITTER:
Dysfunctional families are painful families to grow up in. As a child you are injured, and as an adult you are slandered. Stop the abuse. Walk away for yourself. You matter too.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
Coercive Control is not a relationship gone awry; it is an assault from day one. Coercive Control starts with a kiss and ends in disaster.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
You are not a bad person for walking away from someone who is not providing you with understanding & validation for your feelings.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
From a young age, we’re conditioned to believe mistakes are bad. Each time we make one, we get a lower score. In real life, mistakes are incredibly valuable. They’re how we grow and evolve.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Your abusers & bullies WANT you questioning whether you were "traumatized," or whether you're just being "dramatic" or "making it up."
They know that every minute you spend ruminating on whether your trauma "counts" is a minute you're NOT developing your real world toolbox.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Never argue with a narcissist, you get angry and the narcissist enjoys it.
"We live in an age so demon-possessed that we will soon be able to do good and justice only in the deepest secrecy, as if it were a crime."
Franz Kafka
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You are allowed to terminate toxic relationships, You are allowed to speak your truth. You are allowed to walk away from people who don't respect your rights, protections and boundaries. You don't owe anyone a explanation for taking care of yourself.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
When you come to understand that you were targeted, not chosen, you will come to realize the true horror of coercive control.
It is not a relationship gone awry; it is an assault from day one. When you thought you were dating, they were crossing enemy lines.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is not getting sucked into someone else's subconscious need for conflict.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
What folks call love-bombing, I refer to as the weaponization of sex and romance.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
When a child is stuck in an unpleasant home environment their only way out is to escape in their mind.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Sometimes our brain's gonna work overtime convincing us that not having heard from someone is HARD evidence they HATE us, they're DONE w/ us, we drove them away.
When you're feeling that-- check in/ w/ the part of you who's a kid scared they're gonna get abandoned or forgotten.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
You don’t teach people how to treat you. If you’re a kind caring person, and someone treats you badly that’s on them, not you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Your nervous system will naturally feel calm in the presence of people with pure intentions, positive energy, and authentic vibes... Trust it..
ᴊᴏᴀɴɴᴀ ᴅᴇ ᴛʀɪᴄᴄɪ ♡ ™, TWITTER:
Being around people is energizing until it becomes draining. Need to charge batteries every once in a while otherwise I’ll feel overwhelmed.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You don't have to have special permission to use the tools, skills, & philosophies of trauma recovery. You don't have to "prove" your trauma to anyone. You don't have to argue why your trauma was "bad enough" to warrant recovery.
If you can read these words, your pain counts.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Nah. You're not the "perfect trauma survivor."
And I don't care.
Neither you NOR I are the "perfect trauma survivors," because "perfect" doesn't exist. We're actual human beings, & human beings are complicated weirdos.
YOU deserve safety, dignity, & recovery.
Yeah, you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Let them judge you. Let them misunderstand you. Let them gossip about you. Their opinions aren’t your problems. You stay kind, committed to love and free in your authenticity. No matter what they do or say, don’t you doubt your worth or the beauty of your truth. Just keep shining
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Sometimes people depicted in popular media as having the same struggles or diagnoses as you are gonna reflect a dramatized, pop culture caricature.
Don't let it get in your head. Your struggles & symptoms are YOURS. You're NOT "doing it wrong."
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Narcissists are the masters of manipulation. They play the poor abused victim while embarking on a mass smear campaign against you.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
It wasn't a relationship; it was an assault.
Moral Philosophy, TWITTER:
Toxic people always twist things to make you the bad person in a situation they created!
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
coercive controllers will intentionally wear a mask in the earliest phase of their campaign of coercive control. When it slips you will see their
narcissism
tactical use of charm
lack of empathy
lack of remorse
lack of self-reflection
they can be strategically hurtful
sadism
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹💫, TWITTER:
An omission is still a lie. 👇🏻🚩🚩🚩
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Recognize when your body is trying to save you from someone. Stop ignoring your emotions.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Always remember, people can only pour from a cup with something in it — otherwise they’ll become empty too.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Your "fawn" trauma response will try, hard, to convince you you NEED to dynamite your own boundaries if they inconvenience someone-- or, even worse, make someone upset.
Thing is: dynamiting your own boundaries over & over again WON'T make you feel safer. Not in the long run.
Josh…, TWITTER:
If possible, stay where your presence matters.
Gary Goodridge, TWITTER:
Always be thankful, Life could be worse!
Officialyungin1, TWITTER:
It's not your job to change people - show them love, acceptance, and kindness, and let them find their own paths.💫
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There's nothing they won't tell you about themselves if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they will end the friendship.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Get honest with people about who you are, what you want and how you expect to be treated. (how your treated matters) Standards only scare off people not meant for you.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
The best thing I could have ever done for my sanity is give myself permission to REST, QUIT & FAIL.
ZUBY:, TWITTER:
There is so much to do and achieve in this life. What is 'boredom'?
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Post traumatic avoidance isn't about "cowardice," & overcoming it isn't about "courage."
We live in a culture that LOVES to pretend trauma responses & healing PTSD revolve around moral virtue & "character"-- and that sh*t deepens the shame LOTS of survivors already feel.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
I also refer to these as the love-like tactics of abuse which include grooming, use of excessive charm, intermittent reward, future faking, and hoovering. What we call love bombing, I call the weaponization of sex and romance and the resultant trauma bond will essentially 1/
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
Your trauma does not define you. You define you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Sometimes certain people are gonna trigger us, get under our skin, hijack more of our attention that we expect.
Realizing that's happening & purposefully redirecting our attention & energy can be a bitch-- but we CAN'T let "them" steal precious minutes of OUR too-short lives.
Hélà, TWITTER:
Emotional Maturity/Intelligence/Awareness
is KEY to thriving in this Life. Remaining grounded allows me to maneuver through the Natural Chaos’ of life. Not everything needs a Reaction and not everyone deserves to see who I truly I AM. I gotta stay poised.
A11Even
Hélà
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is understanding that responding to someone's feelings with solutions, positivity statements or defensiveness is emotionally dismissive.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotional neglect is harmful over time, even if the harm is unintended.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
What ever you do, follow your instinct. if something feels wrong to you, acknowledge it. tell yourself it doesn't feel right. Do not let yourself get into things you didn't actually want to get into. Value your comfort and safety over everything else. trust your gut.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Unhealed trauma can have you sabotaging healthy relationships with people who actually have your back.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Maybe you haven't "let it go" yet. So?
Spoiler: no one gets to tell you when you "have" to let ANYTHING go-- or even IF you "have" to let it go.
Oh, they'll have opinions. Let 'em.
This is YOUR trauma recovery. YOU get to choose if, when, & how you let ANY of this go.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Sometimes people will act like you're hard to deal with because you aren't easy to fool.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
You don’t need to forgive yourself for what had been done to you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Wishing you were dead doesn't make you "bad," or "ungrateful" for the things you have or the people in your life, or whatever. Those thoughts are actually very common when people struggle w/ complex trauma.
Don't let "them" make YOU feel bad for feeling as bad as you do.
Lindsay Goodman 🏳️🌈 (she/her), TWITTER:
Reactive abuse is NOT you abused me I’ll abuse you back. It’s a person REACTING to relentless, ongoing abuse.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotions are to your benefit if you process them & they are to your detriment if you avoid them.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
A person who is insulted by someone & doesn't insult them back is a powerful person.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Committing to trauma recovery DOESN'T mean we get rid of all our bad habits or solve all our problems. Recovery's not a magic wand. I WISH it was.
But a realistic recovery mindset DOES give us our best shot at solving those problems-- WITHOUT our trauma calling the shots.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
90% of realistic recovery from anything is about regularly doing little routines and rituals that seem so small or cheesy that they feel silly.
Those small, cheesy rituals will literally save your life.
They saved mine.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
A narcissist will break the rules simply because they believe they can, and it's absolutely crazy to me how they actually get away with doing so without getting caught.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹💫, TWITTER:
Their arrogance and confidence help the #Narcissist appear innocent and trustworthy. It’s only bc they believe their own lies. People trust those who appear confident so they use that to essentially get away with their misdeeds.
Words Finally Spoken 🇺🇸 Peace for Ukraine 🇺🇦, TWITTER:
Never apologize for something you didn't do. The blame remains with the abusers.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Signs of a High Soul Vibration:
1. Animals feel safe in your presence.
2. People stare at you in public.
3. Random strangers love to come to you and tell you their stories.
4. You can feel energy shift when you enter a room.
5. You irritate toxic people just by being you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
"Toxic people see your boundaries as revenge on them, and think you are nothing but a problem, when in reality, it's their toxic behavior that led to those boundaries in the first place."🧐
-Creator Unknown
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
I GUARANTEE you know a complex trauma survivor-- who seems "fine."
In fact, I guarantee you know a "high achiever"-- who secretly struggles w/ flashbacks & dissociation.
Part of what makes complex trauma "complex" is how invisible it can be to anyone outside our head.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
A lot of people think they can’t find peace because of stress but it’s really because they don’t mind their own damn business.
Mike Whiter, TWITTER:
The fact that this bothers you so much says more about you than it does about Sam Smith.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We don't have to be brave all the time. Which is a good thing, because in recovery, we WON'T be brave all the time.
Ask anyone: a big part of trauma recovery is Doing It Scared...& REFUSING to mock or abandon yourself BECAUSE you're scared.
You've got this. Don't look back.
(15.2.2023)
Social anxiety trauma is reacting to socially accepted forms of anger such as angry sport coach. Instead I see it as personal assault due to bullying experience. Or chasing justice in corrupt ambient where no one is reacting to bullying. My task is to know this reaction stems from trauma, not from my supposed personal defect. With social anxiety trauma and society explaining social anxiety as shyness or defect - the false message is to either pretend and act to be strong and going in the opposite direction of social anxiety inhibition such as dis-inhibition - which is ironically distortion and disorder. Or another explanation is to seek personal defects and trying to fix that which is not broken at all. Trauma is body, brain injury, brain as organ not working at optimal level - this is not personality defect, personality disorder.
All this means is in order to be healed from trauma - it means observing current triggers as annoyance, not lethal danger. As irritation, not as personal defect, personal blame, nor as catastrophe.
This ability not to see panic as personal fault, personal defect and catastrophe is now terra incognita since it is unknown what will happen next. With trauma experience there is a general doom threat that when I do not fawn that I will get punished. Now it is unclear if there will be repercussions if I state that I disagree with someone's statement and actions. What will happen when I complain and nag and criticize someone who complains, nags and criticizes.
With learned response to worry and be focused on pleasing the abusive person - I never learned to take self worth seriously - now I am faced with new information such as creating plans, having projects, goals, ideas and following through the instinct and innovations, taking steps in what I like which often is not conformism or groupthink.
Trauma is thwarting thoughts, it seems as if anxiety is lying to me - but it is negative experience, toxic ambient that is producing hypervigilance and catastrophe. I see that anxiety must be accepted - any reaction makes it worse. Hatred and any attempt to remove it is the act of invalidation and it adds up to trauma - and it does not work.
Accepting anxiety means listening to anxiety. It is toxic ambient that is producing intense fears, worry, hypervigilance, feeling of not being safe, thoughts from the past similar to current situation. It is toxic people who are the cause of feeling tense and uncomfortable. And social anxiety is doing that exactely - it tries to make me remove myself from toxicity. If nothing else through isolation. Staying with toxic people will not make me resilient. It will only add to trauma.
I also see social anxiety as a protective shield - since due to fawning and extreme people pleasing - I have no immunity, weapon or any kind of defense against psychopaths. I am easy target since other people's anger trigger automatic surrender and self blame inside me, due to programming and exposure to relentless criticism which was unfair, psyhopathic, with someone's narcissistic fantasy beliefs that mistakes are wrong and that perfection is normalcy.
With past abusive experiences (trauma in short) and with toxic ambient - our minds will automatically be stuck in survival mode - to deflect potential and real danger and react in best possible way without getting hurt or lose face. This means our mind will be stuck in social anxiety worry and hypervigilance. Now what happens is that the mind will be focused in seeking what is wrong, what is dangerous. And we live in a world filled with fear, filled with hidden agenda and evil. The hypervigilance will be like taking some kind of sci-fi X-ray glasses and we will be able to see evil and toxicity everywhere. While this is great to know what to avoid - what happens in real life is agoraphobia and avoiding life and people in general - since everything and everyone is evil, dangerous and at least difficult at some level - which means triggering to those with trauma installed.
It is bad solution to live in survival mode and with ability to see evil since it will make is immobile, filled with panic at slightest trigger. Without education what is happening - we won't know what is happening - it will be automatic to worry and to protect oneself - but this ability to see evil is doing more harm than good in the long run. With survival mode we give up in on our goals, needs, innovation, ideas - they are all stifled down and we become reactive to toxic people, what they say and what they do - and in this way we become their puppets and slaves to the evil. Since the obvious solution is to hide away, we give up opportunities to meet and strike new chances, and we leave resources to the evil - and then evil thrives in the world.
The obvious solution is to accept anxiety as part of reaction to the danger - rather than accepting anxiety as a role of living in fear and hiding away. It is about recognizing that toxic people exist - and rather than fawning to toxic people, it is about planing and projecting how to minimize contact and leave when it is possible - and still enjoy life and being active and being out there rather than hiding away.
It is impossible to think of solutions and ideas and alternative paths in life other than tyranny and toxicity if our mind is focused all the time on survival, hypervigilance and PureOCD intrusive worry. Yet trauma, social anxiety trauma, triggers, flashbacks, toxic people - they all conditioned us to automatically be in hypervigilance state and keep in worry survival state of mind all the time as a way to protect oneself from the harm.
"Joy leads to a desire to play or be creative. Joyful play can also help us build our social and emotional skills" (Frederickson, 1998). Yet what happens when we have joy is we are easy target to exploit, take advantage off, to ignore red flags. Having joy inside toxic ambient is being pushover and people pleaser and that is prison, being stuck in toxicity. The same goes for interest (lead to exploration, knowledge), contentment (broadening self-view) and love (lead to other positive emotions) are all emotions which fight negativity bias - only to be exploited, these positive emotions get twisted and used against the target of abuse inside toxic environment. Abuser is pathological liar, toxic people are creating conflict and drama out of nothing all the time, triggering our survival mode and hypervigilance - and if we try to counter these intrusive methods, our positive emotions get exploited against ourselves - since being open and friendly means having no boundaries.
With social anxiety trauma there are 3 elements in play:
1) cruel people
2) reaction in form of panic, fawn trauma reaction
3) destruction of self - who am I, what I want in life, what are my goals - this is unknown due to toxic shame and trauma.
Fawn reaction as toxic agreeableness and negative politeness means that I cannot speak out the obvious issue such as "This is not working" or criticize someone for making errors. Then the urge to make myself to be cruel and open and blunt - results in more panic and more blockage. The same goes for CBT advice to expose to fears and face fears - instead of de-sensitization it leads to more fears and more panic. Due to Charcot hysteria - repeated punishment and invalidation placing boundaries becomes mission impossible. That is why self help advice will never work. Forcing myself to face fears will not work. I need to find workaround, backstage entrance whereas the main entrance is blocked due to hypnosis, programming and conditioning.
Cruel people element is what triggers fears and blockage.
Therefore, any self help advice that I must be firm, confident, strong or whatever is useless.
Cruel people element is cruel because they have no issues to nitpick and warn and pinpoint errors and mistakes. They also take advantage of double binding and quick bias conclusions - where I cannot defend myself due to narcissistic word salad bombardment with accusations and toxic shaming. The first thing abusers will nitpick and criticize are obvious normal and regular mistakes - which they make into catastrophe and force the target to feel ashamed for not being perfect and doing something without mistakes - especially for the first time where their criticism is the most potent.
In real life, mistakes are learning potential - that is how we become more skilled at anything, and this is process, we cannot be without mistakes especially when we do something for the first time. This needs to be communicated to toxic people. However due to fears, panic, trauma, conditioning and hypnosis - traumatized targets of abuse will have mentality of self pathologizing, self blame and trusting anyone in some kind of authority position as ultimate authority that must be trusted no matter how unreasonable and unrealistic they are.
With trauma we will end up fixing our personality - as aftermath of psychological abuse - relentless criticism and blaming. That is what we learned in childhood when exposed to relentless invalidation and nitpicking over our mistakes. We were repeatedly told that we are mistake and that our thoughts, opinions, actions are mistake itself and that we must fix our core being, where mistakes are equal to our persona, core being. That is aftermath, byproduct of exposure to narcissistic abuse, someone who is untreated mentally ill.
I see social anxiety relief in realization that what we are doing is wrongly learned defense mechanism with programmed urge to fix ourselves whenever we make some kind of mistake, some kind of deviation from conformism and groupthink, anything that is different from given model by someone who is tyrannical, psychopathic and narcissistic.
This idea to fix my personality in order to become super strong alpha super confident persona is fake mask, it is narcissism, it is after-effect of being exposed to narcissistic abuse - since as Sam Vaknin said - narcissism is colonization of others. It is being initiated into evil without our consent. With grudge and rancour narcissists live rent free in our head, they are our primary focus in life, we spend time and money to defend against them, they are primary concern. This is third element where we do not have Self due to trauma and invalidation. With self worth and healthy personality - we would not fix it and we would focus our attention to our own goals and values, rather than being obsessed how to handle toxic people.
Second element - panic and fawning is part of self blame - learned in trauma. It appears as automatic shame for being yelled at, criticized and being in contact with predator Cluster B monsters. Someone simply needs to behave hysterically - and we will feel ashamed, blamed and guilty - without doing actually anything that would truly be result to be ashamed of and to feel guilty about. The simple contact and witnessing toxic person's actions triggers automatic toxic shame inside anyone who was traumatized and invalidated in their formative years when our psyche was suppose to be formed in psychological safety to learn how to self regulate when someone is hysterical. Instead of regulation - our system was taught to dysregulate, try to fix itself and feel broken for simply being in contact with someone hysterical. And that is codependency. When our emotions depend on other people - this is being codependent. The problem is that nobody explained this. Instead we go onto autopilot, and feel self blame with only tool: to fix ourselves. The action of fixing our persona - when nothing is really broken - ends up as personality disorder.
With codependency we will end up explaining ourselves, proving ourselves to others, it is draining. It is feeling guilty and ending up proving others that we are not guilty - which paradoxically makes us guilty - since innocent person would not try to prove someone that they are innocent. With fear, panic, hysteria, urge to self-fix, with toxic shame - it is cruel people element that is the only and sole problem. Toxic people are the cause of social anxiety and trauma. Toxic people are the only problem. Not our mind, not our actions, not our behaviour.
When we follow Humanistic psychology - we will learn to trust ourselves - which means to trust that we are the only one who can give us best advice what to do in life and how to handle issues. When we are in toxic ambient - toxic people will try to govern this part - since narcissists live in fantasy world, their self worth and regulation depend on other people and their submission, other people's approval and validation - so if we see the truth and corruption, if we do life by the book and holding on to law, ethics and moral standards - this will be interpreted as aggression, weakness and abnormality to Cluster B monsters. They will devalue us for being ethical - and we will end up with social anxiety - alarm that we are under invasion, intrusion and attack.
With programmed belief that I am the problem - instead of doing boundary up - I attack my fears, panic emotions and label them as problem instead. I end up fixing my personality as if fears and panic are pathology - and then end up with personality disorder since I have no self worth. With self worth I would have plans, ideas, GPS where to go, I would have agenda of my own, other people would not appear and suggest their solutions, ideas and commands which I would automatically accept. Now there would be compromise where I would voice out my likes, dislikes, wants and needs. With toxic shame I have none - instead I go along with other people and their ideas on-the-go. Other people are not problem here - it is my toxic shame and self worth not being my focus.
Toxic people are problem because they not only have their on the fly ideas - but they also have secret, covert, hidden agenda of exploitation and taking advantage of anyone which they cover up with concern, focused empathy and mirroring, love bomb phase and hovering and coercion control.
Of course when someone is programmed to self blame as self fix oneself and to feel automatic shame and blame when the other person is hysterical and abnormal - that traumatized people are excellent target to manipulate and control and parasite upon.
What all this means in real life? In real life - this means that standing up for myself, idea that I must be super confident and that I must never be vulnerable and make any kind of mistake - is road to inferiority complex, codependency because I signal my brain that someone who is rude is superior to me and that my well-being and sense of worth depends on kindness standards of this person. I would end up believing that this person is definition of normality and that I must fix myself by appearing super strong and tyrannical in order to evoke danger, fear and some kind of retrieval from someone who is abusive. And that is road to narcissism, having fake mask of superiority where I am not allowed to be vulnerable, with fears and panic, where I must be super strong and forceful, soldier who attacks anyone who appears bad. I would have illogical and unrealistic expectation that I can make someone who is mentally ill productive and cooperative by being strong and rude and predatory. That is all narcissism. That is mental illness mindset.
I cannot control other people. I am not their parent. I am not their healer and I am not their friend. I am not their saviour. Nor police. It is not my job to be their therapist. And this must be communicated as well.
With codependency mindset, idea to self-fix myself when someone is toxic, with fawning - I am unaware that my actions and consistency are my advocacy. I do not need to prove myself to anyone. With self fixing and self sabotaging and depending on other people's emotions and actions to feel good or bad - I am stuck in proving myself against toxic people constant and relentless criticism - as I was programmed in trauma, to constantly defend myself and prove my worth to someone who is untreated mentally ill but appears sane and in authority due to their criticism production and ability to double bind anything into mistake.
With urge to self-fix myself, self pathologize my fears and anxiety and do not see it as natural reaction to toxic people - I will be focused into threat and make toxic people into my sole focus in life. With self worth I will not waste time, energy to defend myself, prove my worth - and instead I will spend my time learning, educating myself, doing what I want and shifting myself in what I believe is correct and healthy and proper environment to habituate.
This means that narcissists will appear desirable, they will fill in the deficiencies that someone with toxic shame will feel. They will appear strong and competent and anyone who appears too good to be true is fake. Fake people will impose themselves as leaders and someone to follow - since they perceive others as narcissistic supply. So they must lure new victims into their web of deceit and criminal insanity. Very soon allure, strength and perfection will suddenly become the cycle of devaluation, psychological and emotional abuse sprinkled with cycle of love bombing and focused empathy and recognition.
Narcissism is an attempt to be happy, superior, without problems and masterful at anything. This is impossible task, that is unrealistic, it cannot be done. Paradox is when we accept ourselves along with panic, fears and discomfort - we will become masterful at anything. Narcissists want to take shortcut where being vulnerable is not an option - and not being vulnerable means not having healthy communication nor healthy interaction with other people. It is dysfunctional urge. Empaths, sensitive ones, targets of abuse are programmed to cover up and hide vulnerabilities - since these are ashamed by toxic people - so healing from abuse and trauma is easy task for true empaths: it evolves embracing sensitivity and vulnerability, mistakes and allowing others to correct us as a way to life them up and make them stars and to boost their pride of being useful in life.
So the only way to deal and handle both social anxiety trauma and difficult people is to trust oneself - my own judgement, conclusions and that I am able to give myself advice and follow it and trust it. The minute I start to doubt myself I will depend on other people and end up with codependency issues where my safety will depend on emotions and reactions and recognition of other people around me.
That is why social anxiety trauma is closely knit along with narcissism and narcissistic abuse. It will produce environment for abuse to occur and take root - abusers will appear attractive and strong, will appear as someone to follow blindly and to admire. Toxic people will develop skills and appearance to provide what traumatized targets of abuse lack of. Socially anxious person will have plethora of fears and phobias - whereas abusers and psychopaths will not think twice about taking any kind of action. In most cases taking action will not result as bad experience - and with social anxiety trauma any criticism is perceived as catastrophe. This must be changed - the only way is education and changing the perception of other people and how to react to actions of other people other than being afraid of them.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma recovery's not about you being "strong" or "resilient."
It's about making little choices, one day, one MINUTE at a time. It's about building practical, unglamorous skills.
It's about you staying in touch w/ who you really are-- even on the hard days.
Focus here.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Your trauma or addiction's gonna get in your head & tell you you had your chance at life, & you f*cked it up.
Listen to me: f*ck that.
I don't care what came before. If you're committing to one day at a time recovery today, your REAL life's just getting started.
Narcissistic Support, TWITTER:
The Narcissistic Abuse cycle. Its common to feel confused as to why this charming and loving person can suddenly change. Well, they’re toxic! You set a boundary and they quickly move on to someone who they can exploit & control. Rinse & repeat. They are feral opportunists
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Stop giving grace to someone who throws it back in your face.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
"ACE" means "adverse childhood experiences." Trauma's often not one big cataclysmic event-- it's often a slow burn, w/ sh*tty experiences, ACE's, adding up over time.
We can try to deny & disown the impact of ACE's-- but our nervous system takes the hit. After hit. After hit.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
After some time of studying the narcissists who were in my life well enough to know them, I came to realize that their devaluation of me was almost always the result of the issues they had with themselves and others which they always projected onto me.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
As the devaluation stage continues with a narcissist, you might find that a narcissist gives you less while expecting more from you.
SerenitySpeaksTruth, TWITTER:
Narcissists demand perfection while being absolute train wrecks themselves.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Struggling to set boundaries ISN'T some character flaw. It's NOT due to lack of "courage."
Very often we struggle to set boundaries because we haven't been taught how or reinforced for doing it-- or we've been made to feel guilty about it or punished for it growing up.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When you've been though trauma or betrayal, you're NOT "crazy" for not trusting others, & you're NOT crazy if you prefer they keep some emotional (or physical!) distance.
We can let our past INFORM our choices-- WITHOUT letting our trauma or pain make those choices FOR us.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The world will often tell us to "take responsibility" for how we feel & react to the world.
It'll glibly say this to trauma survivors who ALREADY feel overwhelmingly responsible for-- & guilty about-- EVERYTHING in their world...& many things OUTSIDE of their world as well.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
I know. "You're not alone" can make us feel even WORSE if we feel overwhelmingly alone all day, every day-- even in a crowd of people.
It took me a LONG time to register that as a SYMPTOM-- & not evidence that I was, in fact, the ONE person who really WAS fundamentally alone.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
PTSD finds creative ways to twist ANY normal human emotion, positive or painful, & run them through a shame filter-- so we feel bad for WHATEVER we're feeling.
Reclaiming our right to feel normal human feelings WITHOUT an overlay of shame is a game changer in trauma recovery.
Lana Horowitz, TWITTER:
If you survived a narcissistic relationship you're one of the strongest people on the planet.
The mental resiliency it takes to maneuver thru that kind of relationship is unreal.
And now, that you're on the other side, intact... makes you a freakin' superhero.✨
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
Some problems can’t be fixed and so we bear witness. To bear witness with kindness, empathy, compassion, devoid of judgment is a gift that we can give to one another. It is an honoring of one’s suffering, of one’s journey.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
But you have all these cowardly enablers who try and force others with different sets of morals to comply with how they live their lives. This is called forced compliance or social bullying.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Please don't listen to manipulators.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
“You’re focusing on the negative.”
You can’t heal from past memories that cause current pain without focus. Positive memories don’t undo shit that’s stored in a traumatized mind & body. People who are hurting aren’t focused on the negative. They’re focused on finding relief.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
It is better to be single than to be with someone committed to misunderstanding you, mistreating you & humbling you.
Diane Langberg, PhD, TWITTER:
It dishonors victims of abuse when we are silent about their experience or pretend it did not occur or was not important.
Josh…, TWITTER:
It doesn't matter who hurt you, or broke you down, what matters is who lifted you up, and made you smile again.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Survivors are no longer available for fake friends, judgmental people, gaslighting, abuse or manipulation. They DESERVE a life free from that kind of bs.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
Because it activates early childhood wounding. You don’t really give a shit about the present day person but they’re reminding you you still have some healing to do.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Most people are only comfortable in their own constructed version (based on their childhood environment and the people they surround themselves with.) Anything that conflicts with that version of reality will cause defensiveness and fear.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma WANTS you to believe that there IS no defense for you.
Trauma WANTS you to think that there’s no point in arguing with its case.
But every courtroom observer knows that once the defense starts poking holes in the prosecution’s arguments, their case often falls apart.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Eventually, one of two things will happen; They will realize you are worth it, or you'll realize they aren't.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
When you are a victim of coercive control you learn how to become your own crime analyst, sociologist, psychologist, lawyer, policy analyst, community organizer and team leader out of necessity.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
Anxiety, Depression and emotional dysregulation are natural reactions to being coercively controlled.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
YOU have to be there for you— even if "they’re" not.
YOU have to accept you— even if "they" don’t.
YOU have to love you— even if "they" didn’t.
Tall order. I know.
But YOU deserve to be safe, loved, & accepted. No transformation or accomplishment required.
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
You can’t refute data with opinions. The best way to challenge evidence is with better evidence.
Confirmation bias is dismissing inconvenient facts. Critical thinking is questioning your beliefs.
The goal of learning is to pursue what's true, not defend your views.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | Neurodivergent Brain Health, TWITTER:
Reminder from a neuropsychologist.
When you’re down about the fact that Trauma Changes The Brain
I want you to remember:
SO. DOES. HEALING.
SO. DOES. HEALING.
SO. DOES. HEALING.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | Neurodivergent Brain Health, TWITTER:
Trauma changes the brain
AND
is stored in the body.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Information is useless unless you know how to interpret it.
⋆, TWITTER:
imagine someone who doesn't get tired of you
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You get to have mixed, or even negative, feelings about a thing you “should” feel happy about.
Nobody gets to tell you you “shouldn’t” feel what you feel.
Who says you “shouldn’t?” You ARE feeling it.
F*ck it. Your nervous system doesn’t cater to “their” “shoulds.”
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
I propose that the emotional dysregulation is due to ongoing coercive control, it is an acute condition, not post and that the classic PTSD sx are absent beyond the dysregulation for some. Shortly after one leaves the abusive context the symptoms will resolve.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We reprogram ourselves in little moments every day.
We repeat things we want to believe— even if we don’t yet believe them.
Our programming DOESN'T change in one fell swoop.
We recondition ourselves over TIME. We recondition ourselves with consistency & purpose.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Complex trauma survivors often seem to have a sixth sense for reading people & situations.
That's not a superpower-- that's our nervous system having adapted to a home environment where we NEEDED to almost "see the future" to be safe.
And it's a "sense" that comes at a cost.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
A particular trigger for lots of complex trauma survivors is being observed. Being watched-- or even noticed-- was often a precursor to punishment once upon a time.
Secrecy, anonymity, or functional invisibility was often the only "safety" we felt.
⋆, TWITTER:
Communication is only hard for somebody that doesn’t wanna be with you
Josh…, TWITTER:
I don’t know who needs to hear this but please stop showing them you'll stay through anything. That's why they keep putting you through everything!
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
The behaviors of the coercive controller are purposeful and strategic.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
We judge others to avoid parts of Self. The most judgmental people are the least in touch with themselves.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
A lot of trauma survivors reading this don't even remember what it was like having normal dreams that weren't terrifying, sad-- or just vivid as hell.
Night time is often complicated for survivors in the first place. But the dreams can be a whole other layer of stress.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | Neurodivergent Brain Health, TWITTER:
If you’re beating yourself up for not being productive enough right now, I need to remind you to leave yourself the F alone.
Trust your bandwidth in any given moment, and heed it.
That’s not weak or lazy.
That’s EPIC self-care.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
You see someone's true colors when you express your unpleasant feelings to them or say "No" to them.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
We have some pretty basic human needs:
1. We want to feel safe.
2. We want to feel secure.
3.We want to feel valued.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Image becomes an obsessive focus when we lack a sense of authentic self.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
The narcissist has an antenna that picks up shame, guilt & anxiety vibes.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Don't treat people as bad as they are. Treat them as good as you are.
The Wily Survivor, TWITTER:
Imagine all of the time and energy that will become available to you once you leave the narcissistic abuser.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
The toxic person will provoke you just so they can complain that you have anger issues.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotional boundaries is when other people's moods don't disrupt your mood.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Healing is when you have impenetrable boundaries and a soft heart.
Trauma is when you have an impenetrable heart and soft boundaries.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Healing means not letting creepy or toxic people have access to you.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
No more relationships where the other person is diagnosing you.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
Re: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaches
I have not yet encountered a coach that does not promote the idea that a victim's codependency is at fault for how/why they were abused. No, your poor boundaries is NOT why you were abused. One is abused because abusers abuse.
Relatedly, victims don't stay because they are codependent. They typically stay because they don't know they are being victimized and when they realize it they often have been entrapped and have a range of choices that exist between a rock and a hard place. This is aided
And abetted by systemic misogyny and cruel capitalism that is essentially systemic economic abuse for many. When a victim wants to leave, if she has children, she then has to weigh the pros and cons of navigating family court. What we call codependency, by the way, is
A trauma response. It is not clear to me that most coaches have the skill set to help folks heal their trauma. Don’t get me wrong, some of what they say is useful, but some of what they say is just plain wrong and possibly harmful.
Kate R 🇬🇧🇨🇦, TWITTER:
I’ve always had a problem with the idea of ‘co-dependency’ and also ‘empath’. Normal people want a relationship of caring, trust and bonding, so they seek it. That’s a good thing. Abusers are cunning predators who exploit that.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Don't start your day with the broken pieces of yesterday. Every day is a fresh start. Every day is a new beginning. Every morning we wake up is the first day of the rest of our life.
Coercive Control - Education, Support, Recovery, TWITTER:
It is a misunderstanding of the nature of coercive control to reduce it to psychological or emotional abuse. The perpetration of coercive control is to create a system that diminishes agency, erodes boundaries, damages psychological functioning, restricts volition, impedes
access to resources of the targeted victim. The objective of coercive control is to entrap a targeted victim so as to exploit and subjugate. This is why we rightly frame coercive control as a liberty crime. Given that coercive control is a time bound assault, it may be that
that earlier phases may be characterized by psychological abuse. The research has not sufficiently attended to a comparison of psychological abuse, coercive control and narcissistic abuse sufficiently, imo.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Sometimes, what didn't work out for you, IN FACT, worked out for you.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Stop allowing people to persuade you to have relationships with people who hurt you.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is understanding that connection cannot come through fear.
Kalpana Devi, TWITTER:
Knowledge makes people quiet
reggie mills, TWITTER:
Someone else is happy with less than what you have.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
My definition of a human predator is one who tries to take advantage of someone who is weak and/or having a vulnerable moment. They prey on others' fragilities, whether it's a small child, an intoxicated person, or a woman in a dark parking lot.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Victims don't run smear campaigns. Predators do.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
It's crazy when they repeatedly paint you as a bad person when your intentions are well-meaning.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
If ignoring & minimizing trauma, or refusing to call it "trauma," worked, I'd be the FIRST to recommend those strategies.
Sadly, all those strategies do is ensure that trauma shows up in our body, relationship patterns, &/or dreams.
We deal with it-- or it deals with us.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is dealing with your unpleasant feelings without becoming an unpleasant person.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Stop trying to prove your worth to people who can’t even add value to your life.
Stop trying to prove your worth to people who don’t see the value of having someone like you in their life.
Moral of the story: stop trying to prove yourself. You’re already worthy. You’re already enough. If they can’t see that — they are not the person for you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Strict deadlines can unexpectedly trigger the f*ck out of trauma survivors.
Yes, deadlines are part of many work situations-- but they can hit that "I'm in trouble" button in a BIG way for some people.
Just be aware. It's a common trigger that tends to surprise people.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Beautiful souls recognize beautiful souls. Keep being you. Your people will find you.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Don't listen to those who turn your instincts into insecurities.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Too many people believe that everything must be pleasurable.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
“I just want what’s best for you” often means: I just want what’s best for me.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Stay away from those who never admit to being wrong.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Sometimes our healing brings out the insecurities of other people who expect us to play the role we've always played in their life. Not everyone will support our healing. It's important for us to choose ourselves anyway.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Yeah. After trauma our mind might "know" a specific situation is reasonably "safe"-- but there's knowing, and there's, you know, KNOWING.
And our nervous system often doesn't give a sh*t what our mind thinks it "knows"-- it'll decide what does or doesn't feel "safe," thank you.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | Neurodivergent Brain Health, TWITTER:
In relationship, if you don’t express what your needs are, hardly EVER, + then don’t get your needs met: that’s on YOU, + not your partner.
NO one is psychic. Work on understanding, + CLEARLY expressing what you need.
Your needs are valuable + only YOU know what they are.
H0W_THlNGS_W0RK, TWITTER:
The rumble! 🔊😮 Avalanches can be set off spontaneously, by factors such as increased precipitation or snowpack weakening, likewise by external means such as humans, animals, and earthquakes.
Lakota Man, TWITTER:
According to Lakota social etiquette, simply listening (and not interrupting) is the greatest form of respect — that we can ever hope to bestow.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We don't CHOOSE to "freeze"-- shut down, numb out, dissociate. It's a REFLEX of the traumatized nervous system that's frequently frustrating & confusing.
Shaking out of a "freeze" response ISN'T about "willpower"-- it's about grounding, containment, & internal communication.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When our "fight" trauma response is activated, we might get feedback from people around us that we're being "defensive" or "aggressive."
Thing is, a "fight" reflex isn't deactivated by shame or punishment-- it intensifies.
We gotta recognize a trauma response when we see it.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
No more relationships where you are left with more questions than answers.
Cozz, TWITTER:
“Until you make peace with your triggers, everything will feel like an attack”
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The "fawn" trauma response-- pleasing, appeasing, befriending, performing for-- can be a b*tch to kick because it's often rewarded, both in society & in families.
Everyone likes us when we're "easy." They like us less when we say "no"-- & that can stoke our abandonment terror.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Do you think it’s rude to tell somebody to stop talking to you?
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Stop diagnosing people if you’re not a therapist. Y’all stay calling people narcissists and don’t even know the key features of NPD.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Sometimes, you have to do what's best for you and your life, not what's best for everybody else!
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
The narcissist is not looking for love & connection, they are looking to take advantage.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Narcissists are pathological liars... They will lie and continue to lie to escape accountability ..
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is understanding that the healed version of you may not work for them.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | Neurodivergent Brain Health, TWITTER:
Let’s normalize NOT insulting people by telling them their pain is “all in their head” as if it’s not real.
Pain is a BRAIN syndrome.
Chronic pain is centrally mediated.
It IS in our head, AND it’s REAL.
Bryce Boyer, TWITTER:
What's sad about this is most of the time the people saying "it's all in your head" are people who they themselves have pain they're repressing.
It's just a perpetuation of a toxic mentality on dealing with emotional or physical discomfort.
Disassociation
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Hey. Don't resent yourself for having needs. You having needs isn't the problem-- & it never was.
You having had experiences or relationships that convinced you it was "wrong" or "bad" or "dangerous" to have needs-- THAT was the problem. And you DIDN'T ask for or deserve those.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
I never see ppl saying they’re going to match positive energy. Every time some1 speaks on matching energy — it’s out of spite. Matching negative energy is draining — especially if you have to respond/react in ways that are not who you truly are. Matching energy is not the answer.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
People’s feelings are going to be hurt. That’s just life. Stop basing your behavior on how you think other people will feel because you think you can control their emotions /the outcome of a situation. You can’t.
You can say something in the nicest way and people’s feelings will still get hurt. Protecting other people’s feelings is not your responsibility— especially when it results in you putting yourself on the back burner.
“I don’t wanna say this because it’ll hurt their feelings” okay and? What about your feelings? What about your sanity? What about your boundaries?
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
It is a serious red flag when someone tries to manage your social connections & friends. 🚩
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
It’s not rude to assert your boundaries. Make it a boundary to stay away from people that blame their feelings on you after you’ve asserted a boundary. That’s an act of manipulation.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
A shout out to the high vibe people out there who are emotionally available, a calm listener, an effective communicator & have solid personal boundaries.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
If you find someone that notices when you are having unpleasant feelings & tries to understand them before you express them, don't let go of this person!
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
When someone Leaves out information that influences another into making a choice, They wouldn’t make it with all the information.
This is coercive controlling behaviour for which there is no justification
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
If words can hurt, they can heal. ❤️
Josh…, TWITTER:
Always believe that what is coming is better than what is gone.
AimTrue, TWITTER:
As you befriend your nervous system you will begin to feel who aligns with you and who doesn't.
When you start to really listen to your body it will tell you everything you need to know.
Andrew Campbell, TWITTER:
There is NO excuse for abuse.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
"Weak" isn't an insult-- it's a descriptor. OF COURSE we experience weakness after we expend TONS of energy over a long period of time.
I'm weak after I run a marathon. We're "weak" after we do what we have to do to survive years of abuse or neglect.
"Weak" is NOT shameful.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Healing from codependency is tough because you were taught since you were a child that you’re responsible for how other people feel. So when someone’s in a bad mood or feeling off, your subconscious response is that you caused it. Or have to fix it.
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
We miss out on opportunities when we only ask what could go wrong. It's also worth asking what could go right.
Change carries risk: we might fail. But sticking to the status quo also brings risk: we might fail to grow.
It's better to test and learn than to never test at all.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
You don’t have to cheat to lose a person. You can lose somebody from a lack of communication, connection, intimacy, or respect. It's not always about what you do – sometimes it's what you "don’t" do.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Our nervous system doesn't give a sh*t whether we've intellectualized our way to why a situation or person "shouldn't " feel dangerous. It knows what it experienced once upon a time, & it knows what this situation smells like.
It takes more than "logic" to resolve trauma.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic individuals have mastered the art of making "victims look crazy" for challenging or questioning actions or crimes they have done intentionally.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Acknowledging your trauma-- or acknowledging your trauma AS trauma-- isn't being "negative."
Victimhood is not a "mindset."
Acknowledging-- ACCEPTING-- the reality of what happened is necessary to actually, realistically dealing w/ it.
Recovery is not a game of semantics.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | Neurodivergent Brain Health, TWITTER:
I don’t think people realize how hard it is for those struggling with their mental health or profound grief to engage in BASIC activities of daily living.
If you’re struggling to shower, or get out of bed, I want you to know, you’re not broken. Do what you can, + stay gentle.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
A Narcissist will psychologically murder you in the privacy of your own home.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When we were rejected or abandoned by the people who SHOULD have been there for us, we internalize that sh*t-- & can spend years oscillating between sadness & anxiety.
That kid-self inside us needs to know it wasn't their fault (because it WASN'T), & that WE won't abandon them.
Josh…, TWITTER:
I don't know who needs to hear this, I hope you now realised that you were never asking for too much, you was just asking the wrong person.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
MANY of us struggle to put words to our emotional pain. We were taught it didn't matter. We were told the problem is we're "too sensitive."
Putting words to our emotional pain is going to feel awkward & unfamiliar at first. It's that way for EVERYONE.
Keep at it.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Narcissists don’t want or appreciate your help. They want your appreciation and compliance.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Emotional flashbacks can be hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced them-- but they're very real & very debilitating.
It's overwhelming for ANYONE to navigate adult life when your nervous system is thoroughly convinced it's a different year & you're a different age.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Nothing meant to be in your life will ever require you to abandon yourself in order to keep it.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Complex trauma survivors often learn to outwardly underreact to things we're feeling-- because the truth is, we're actually feeling EVERY goddamn thing at 1000% intensity.
We get used to pretending we're cool, calm, & collected-- which is why we can SEEM aloof or disconnected.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When you're struggling w/ post traumatic hypervigilance, just walking through a public space can feel like goddamn gauntlet.
Survivors would LOVE to just "let it go"-- but that's like asking a burn victim to just quit "letting" their healing skin sting when it's touched.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It's cruelly ironic that trauma survivors often FEEL like THEY'RE the "damaged" or "toxic" part of a situation-- when it's often the people & institutions AROUND a survivor that put them in the position to be victimized (&/or subsequently unsupported) in the first place.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Being confident will always trigger a person who hasn’t become aware of their self-worth yet.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
When your partner is silently abusing you, your body will silently reject them.
Josh…, TWITTER:
When life got real, it showed me who wasn't.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is not giving your empathy to someone who is stealing your energy.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Insisting on perfection will not result in perfection.
Stressing about perfection won't result in perfection.
Talking to yourself in disrespectful, unkind ways won't result in perfection.
Perfectionists never achieve perfection.
But they do tend to be pretty unhappy.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
The narcissist will work their way into a position of community service, they expect to be paid & praised to abuse people.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
It is a big red flag when you have to give up your self identity in order to be loved & accepted by someone.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Is there any guarantee it won’t happen again? Nope.
Is it a bummer that you got knocked off course? Yup.
But don’t let those facts keep you from coming back around.
Recenter. Refocus. Readjust.
And then, no matter how long it’s been: just do the next right thing.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Repeated toxic behaviour is not a mistake. It’s who they are. It’s a choice that they make.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma responses are like...we may KNOW that we have a good, stable relationship w/ someone, but if their tone w/ us shifts even slightly, if we detect even a little bit of an edge or sudden distance, we're shaken down to our CORE w/ the CERTAINTY we're about to be hit or left.
Dr. Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, TWITTER:
Self - aware narcissists on You-tube and Twitter will downplay the extent of abuse by referring to 'toxic' relationships.
I prefer the term domestic abuse when the toxicity involves psychological, emotional, financial, abuses amongst others.
Lisa York 😷💙☘️🇮🇪🏴, TWITTER:
Narcissists especially need to look like they are "good doers" to help lure in new targets. You will often see them working in "helping" professions or as community leaders to help keep up the "see-I'm a good magnanimous person" facade. Their abuse behind the scenes is the tell.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | Neurodivergent Brain Health, TWITTER:
We are NOT our emotions.
We experience emotions,
but they’re NOT who we are.
Whatever emotion is upon you now,
it’s NOT your identity.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | Neurodivergent Brain Health, TWITTER:
Most people don’t fake being sick,
they fake being well.
Minic, TWITTER:
Not all criticism can be used constructively.
A lot of times people mask their criticisms as constructive but are actually personal jabs.
The real challenge is learning how to separate signal from noise.
Dr. Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, TWITTER:
We don’t need to apologize nor feel guilty for having limits, boundaries and needs.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The more you learn about the "fawn" trauma response, the angrier you're gonna get w/ high-pressure sales culture that explicitly aims to evoke that response.
As it turns out, there are PLENTY of people out there who have ZERO problem taking advantage of trauma responses.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | Neurodivergent Brain Health, TWITTER:
Kids who are told they are “too much/sensitive”
are adults who repress/suppress emotions and suffer in silence.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Be the reason someone feels welcomed, seen, heard, valued, loved and supported.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It's super common for trauma survivors to be harsh on ourselves for not being able to, you know, grit our teeth & just, like, MANAGE these symptoms-- when actually, we've been gritting our teeth & "managing" OVERWHELMING sh*t for years.
It's okay to be SICK of "sucking it up."
Dr. Jen Wolkin | Neurodivergent Brain Health, TWITTER:
STOP saying someone “lacks focus” only because they’re not focusing on what YOU want them to focus on.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | Neurodivergent Brain Health, TWITTER:
Self-love is just as much about what we DON’T tell ourselves as what we DO.
You can’t bully yourself out of being bullied.
Speaking awfully toward yourself won’t make the pain go away.
It will make YOU your own worst bully.
Dr. Jessica Taylor, TWITTER:
Name one ‘mental health disorder’ that hasn’t been found to
1. Positively correlate with childhood trauma or adversity
2. Be ‘brought on by’ trauma and distress
3. Positively correlate with abuse or neglect
4. Use ‘trauma’ ‘distress’ or ‘adversity’ to explain its root causes
Josh…, TWITTER:
No matter how long you have travelled in the wrong direction, you can always turn around.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Yeah, post traumatic hypervigilance and hypersensitivity can make just EXISTING feel overwhelming to us.
But-- that hypersensitivity is also what makes music, poetry, & other art your secret weapons in trauma recovery.
They touch us on a level this sh*tty world cannot.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
If you're a trauma survivor you need to know it's gonna take a minute for you to get used to certain situations, ideas, & changes. Rushing & pressuring ourselves is an excellent way to trigger the f*ck out of us.
Pacing is a skill that can change the game for us.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
NOBODY reading this is making a "choice" to be reactive to triggers. That's what a trigger IS-- something that sparks an INVOLUNTARY cascade in our nervous system tied to a past traumatic event.
Believe me, NO ONE is more frustrated w/ triggers than the triggered survivor.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
A Narcissist wants you to give up everything, then they up and leave you with nothing.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Healing is when you stop being pulled into someone else's need for conflict & victim validation.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Attaining inner peace often requires deleting some people from your life.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
I believe young children are very sensitive to their surroundings. Abusive environments can wreak havoc upon their psyches. Being in states of constant freeze, fight, or flight are traumatic to their emotions even becoming a way of survival. Neither the body or mind can rest.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Trust what you feel, not what you hear.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When we were neglected or abused growing up, someone validating our feelings now might feel fake. Part of us might wonder what their agenda is.
Getting used to validation can take awhile when we've been hurt or manipulated in the past.
Give it time. Be patient with yourself.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Don't disconnect from your emotions, they are giving you important messages about your life.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Healing is when you no longer blame yourself for other people's bad behavior.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Life is more enjoyable when you no longer feel like you have to make other people's unpleasant feelings disappear.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
One of the hardest things in trauma recovery is learning to hold on to ourselves & give ourselves time to calm down before responding to a situation.
It gets easier. But goddamn if trauma responses don't try to yank us around like marionettes.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It’s NOT a personal failure to outgrow a person, organization, or identity— even if they were helpful to us in the past.
Maybe we don't have to feel guilty if it’s time to say a compassionate, grateful goodbye to certain roles & relationships that just aren’t “us” anymore.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Everybody reading this needs a trauma recovery— & a life— that works for THEM, day by day.
The point of trauma recovery ISN’T to please your therapist or family. It’s to improve how YOU feel & function— by YOUR standards.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Being invalidated for your emotions sounds like:
- "Oh, just get over it"
- "It's really not a big deal"
- "Why are you being so dramatic"
- "I didn't know you would be so offended"
People who to do this lack emotional awareness and struggle with feeling emotional discomfort. It takes maturity to sit with someone's pain without trying to: fix it, change it, or give unsolicited advice.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma recovery asks us do be open to some ideas that feel radical & foreign— like we ARE enough; we DON’T have to “earn” love; & we DO deserve dignity & safety.
Yeah, I know. But just keep an open mind-- even if it sounds fake right now.
AimTrue, TWITTER:
Responsibility in trauma recovery does not equate to blame but rather self-empowerment.
AimTrue, TWITTER:
Healing a traumatized nervous system begins with feeling safe.
Dr. Jessica Taylor, TWITTER:
I would love to see us remove the ‘D’ from ‘PTSD’.
Post traumatic stress absolutely exists, but it’s clearly not a mental disorder.
Could we move to PTSR?
Post traumatic stress response?
Or PTR? Post-trauma responses?
Why do our natural responses constitute a disorder?
Dr. Jessica Taylor, TWITTER:
If he had no input from his frontal cortex, and all that was ‘in charge’ in his brain was his amygdala, I don’t think he would be shouting at strangers. Or shouting. Or walking. PTSD doesn’t cause lack of brain activity or input in the frontal cortex.
I think this is an example of repeated misunderstood information about trauma responses and dumbed down neuroscience which means thousands of people actually believe that during trauma responses, parts of the brain go ‘offline’.
Parts of your brain such as the cortex do not ‘go offline’. These are metaphors, they don’t actually occur.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Some of the best advice you'll ever get will come from your gut instinct.
Dr. Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, TWITTER:
Being induced to do anything in the context of coercive control due to being manipulated, deceived or pressured is not an exercise in volition.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Fake love is about benefits.
Real love is about emotional understanding & validation.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma can really shatter us— our heart, our “potential,” even our consciousness or identity.
We gotta remember that when something is shattered, piecing it back together requires care & patience— & often love.
This self-love thing is more than a slogan n trauma recovery.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
The narcissist might be seem surrounded by people but they are intrinsically lonely, they are not really connected to anyone.
Dr. Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, TWITTER:
Neither the abuse you experienced nor the trauma defines who you are. You define who you are.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
The perpetual victim will always leave out the details in the story about what they did.
Jessica Peebles, TWITTER:
I no longer lose control of my nervous system in the face of fear. I will always remain calm.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
If you try & save someone in a relationship that cannot swim for themselves, they will end up pulling you under the water also.
Josh…, TWITTER:
A lesson hurts before it teaches.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Believe in sudden positive shifts. Things can change for you at anytime.
Trust that.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Many people call themselves empaths when they're actually in a state of hypervigilance.
Andrew Campbell, TWITTER:
If you don’t want someone talking about abuse you perpetrated, don’t perpetrate abuse.
Dr. Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, TWITTER:
Coercive Control, as a campaign of domestic abuse, is perpetrated with intentional, purposeful, strategic behavior meant to control, exploit, entrap and subjugate the targeted victim.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
The best revenge, is no revenge. It's healing, moving on with your life and letting karma deal with it.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Your trauma or addiction recovery is more important than "their" opinion of you.
That's a tough pill to swallow, when we've been conditioned to prioritize "their" opinions & desires over OUR well-being.
It'll be awkward, & you might feel guilty.
Pause; breathe; & remember.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Strike at the source of the trouble and the sheep will scatter.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
One of the most damaging things we can learn as children is that love means self sacrifice.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Life goes by very fast. And the worst thing in life that you can have is a job that you hate and have no energy or creativity in.
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
You know you are growing when toxic people find your boundaries offensive, manipulators find your emotional intelligence offensive, people who overshare find your privacy offensive, and people who fight their inner war through others find your distance offensive.
valor, TWITTER:
Practicing self-care involves disregarding toxic individuals.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Sometimes the one who is telling the truth is made out to be a crazy liar who needs psychiatric help.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
A narcissist will suck the life right out of you. Any length of time with a narc would drain me enough to where I needed to take naps after spending time with them. I never paid attention to this or other effects until I began studying the effects of narcissistic abuse.
valor, TWITTER:
you glow different when you're loved right
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Stop telling people things that use the things you tell them against you.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is understanding that unresolved trauma comes back as a reaction that doesn't fit the situation.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
One thing *I* had to give up in trauma & addiction recovery was my desire to look cool-- or to pretend I knew what I was doing at all times.
Nobody looks cool or in control in recovery. Or, ultimately in life, as it turns out.
And, as it turns out? That's okay. Really.
Dr. Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, TWITTER:
we have an innate human need to be seen by those whom we love or to whom we feel connected; we need to know we matter, we exist, that we are loved.
this is why the discard of narcissistic abuse is as painful as it is, especially when a strong hyper-attachment has been induced.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
I'm telling you: the kid who gets told over & over again that they're being "dramatic" & they just need to "calm down" or "suck it up" becomes the adult who persistently doubts their internal reality.
Not only doubts, actually-- denigrates their internal reality.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Your body knows that they are a narcissist before your mind does, listen to it.
Dr. Jessica Taylor, TWITTER:
If you ever wonder why I fight so hard against pathologisation, it’s because I refuse to live the rest of my life as a psychologist listening to people frame people who have been abused, oppressed, marginalised, harmed, neglected and violated as:
Delusional
Attention seekers
Mentally ill
BPD
Bipolar
Psycho
OCD
Hysterical
Mental
Crazy
Histrionic
Borderline
Narcissistic
Self-obsessed
Emotionally unstable
Manic
Unreliable
Aggressive
Naive
Problematic
You cannot convince me that the medical model of mental health has not become a toxic weapon to position people as problematic and non-credible. You cannot tell me this isn’t one of the most intelligent and socially acceptable form of victim blaming & oppression there ever was.
You cannot name a single marginalised group of humans that psychiatry has not been weaponised against historically or currently.
It’s used in courts, media, art, language, academia, safeguarding, health, policy, and legislation.
But all it takes is enough of us to stand up, and say NO MORE.
OUR TRAUMA RESPONSES AND COPING MECHANISMS ARE REAL, VALID, NATURAL, NORMAL, JUSTIFIED, EXPECTED, AND RATIONAL.
ITS NOT AN ILLNESS TO REACT TO TRAUMATIC EVENTS AND EXPERIENCES.
Dr. Jessica Taylor, TWITTER:
Someone just commented to say that this sounds very ambitious - and it is, it’s extremely ambitious.
But someone HAS to create an alternative path now. We cannot continue pathologising and medicating human responses to trauma and distress.
Someone had to create another way.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Core beliefs are belief we inherit subconsciously from birth-age 7 based on what we hear repetitively while our brains are in a theta (sponge) state. How did those in your home speak about: themselves, other people, money, their body, the way the world is...
Lakota Man, TWITTER:
The Lakota believe that when we are born we are assigned a wanagi. A wanagi is like a spirit from a star. When we complete our life cycles on earth we travel back to the star of our inception. This epic voyage is known as making the journey. We return home — to the Star Nation.
Michael Brown, TWITTER:
What you say matters. If you can’t take responsibility for what you say, you shouldn’t speak it. Joke or no joke.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It was kind of a lightbulb moment when I figured out I could acknowledge & honor a feeling or I was having-- but not let that feeling run the show when it came to making decisions.
Feeling a thing or having an urge doesn't mean we "have" to do-- well, anything. Who knew?
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
It’s rough to think how many people thought an honest confrontation would clear the air & the moment that conversation took place was the moment they lost their support. This is why healing is so lonely. The confusion in doing what we think heals, creates more to heal from.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When we had our perceptions, feelings, & needs disbelieved or mocked growing up, we're vulnerable to staying in sh*tty or dangerous situations later in life because we distrust our judgment about 'em.
It's not a choice-- it's CONDITIONING. Key distinction if we wanna change it.
AimTrue, TWITTER:
Many trauma survivors make excellent employees.
They have spent a lifetime anticipating the needs & wants of others. They often strive for perfection going above & beyond expectations.
This excellence in the workplace can lead to burnout & a lack of self.
Dr. Jessica Taylor, TWITTER:
We have medicalised every normal emotion to the point where people don’t even use words anymore.
People say ‘my anxiety is playing up’ when they mean ‘I am scared’.
People say ‘I’m so depressed’ when they mean ‘I am very sad/low’.
Josh…, TWITTER:
You can't always have a good day. But you can always make a bad day better.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Manipulation is when they always blame you for reacting to their toxic behaviour, but never discuss their disrespect that triggered you.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
A culture that normalizes shaming people for being human and having flaws will result in high levels of anxiety. Anxiety is the body’s message that we don’t feel safe. It’s a protective mechanism, not something that’s wrong with us.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Yup, in PTSD, we frequently get obsessive thoughts about the traumatic event(s)-- but we can ALSO get obsessive/intrusive thoughts about a LOT of "unrelated" stuff (especially when memories of the trauma are confusing or absent).
Post traumatic anxiety doesn't stay in its lane.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
You're worthy & valuable on the days when you feel like an absolute rock star-- & you're worthy & valuable on days when you feel like absolute dog sh*t.
You deserve safety & dignity on every single day you're alive. Including today.
Yeah, you. Yeah, today. Deal with it, kid.
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
Explaining your emotional state to a medical professional has now become a dangerous act.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Stop allowing other people to determine your self-worth.
your_recovery_matters, TWITTER:
Abusers DO NOT abuse everyone they are in contact with.
So doubting victims based on your experiences, is irresponsible and very harmful and damaging..
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Validation f*cking matters in trauma recovery. If for years every time you tried to express something it's been questioned, mocked, or ignored, you develop some TOXIC core beliefs about who you are & what you deserve.
In recovery we NEED to throw that old pattern into reverse.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Part of what makes it hard to shake the "fawn" trauma response is, it tends to make is REALLY good at anticipating the needs of others-- & that tends to be REALLY socially rewarded.
We might fear that if we shake it, we'll be less liked-- & that hooks into abandonment sh*t.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
Covert narcissists are known for passive aggressive behaviors. Their emotions of anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. are likely internalized. This way they can maintain their façade of perfect behavior and positive emotions on the surface.
Dr. Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, TWITTER:
Excessive gaslighting contributes to dissociation; it is literally crazy-making.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Please practice speaking to yourself with love. You are not dumb or stupid — you are learning & you will make mistakes. Mistakes are necessary for growth.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Peace is my priority ~ anytime, anywhere.
Dr. Jessica Taylor, TWITTER:
Once I realised that pathologisation was the most powerful, and most socially acceptable, the most protected, the most revered, and the most funded form of victim blaming there was, I knew that was what I had to tackle next.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
I have no energy in me to hate anybody, I literally have no space in my heart to carry that shit around. I either love you, wish you well, or I hope you heal.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Lots of us can't imagine "asserting our needs" without sounding-- to ourselves, anyway-- like an *sshole.
Asserting your needs DOESN'T make you an *sshole-- even if it DOES make someone uncomfortable or annoyed w/ you.
Asserting your needs is pro-YOU, not ANTI-anyone else.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
A calm mind is a dangerous weapon.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | Neurodivergent Brain Health, TWITTER:
WHATEVER your vibes are today,
Good, Sad, Mad, Anxious, ALL of it
YOU ARE SAFE HERE.
Emma, TWITTER:
Whilst in the relationship, this behaviour makes you think "it's not that bad" or "they were having a bad day". It is done for this reason, to destabilise you, to keep you off guard.
And, it will only get worse.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
You have to stop offering yourself and the depths of your story to people who haven’t shown you respect. If they don’t have the capacity to see you, they shouldn’t get access to what’s beautifully hidden behind your scars.
⋆, TWITTER:
I crave intimacy but I don’t want temporary people touching my mind, body, or soul.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
Your hardest days while healing are not a reflection of what is to come but a reflection of what you have carried. Your future will have more peace because you chose to process your pain. Well done!
Harley 🖤, TWITTER:
Lying is what abusers do
Don’t be surprised by any of it
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Emotional intelligence is making sure that you are not occupied with someone else's problems.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
By FAR one of the hardest things in trauma &/or addiction recovery is releasing unhealthy or one-sided relationships.
I know. Accepting that some bonds are just incompatible w/ our safety & stability can be a b*tch. It's okay to be sad-- or angry-- about it.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Something I STILL struggle w/ in my trauma & addiction recovery is letting go of excessive worry about what others think of me.
We don't wanna let it ALL go. Others' opinions matter.
But survivors & addicts often make it our low key OBSESSION-- & that doesn't work in recovery.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Saying "No" without feeling the need to explain yourself is taking your power back.
Nedra Glover Tawwab, TWITTER:
When you're from a dysfunctional family, healthy boundaries are viewed as threatening. Making an observation, expressing an expectation, refusing to be involved in chaos, or expressing a different view point, will likely lead to you being labeled as mean, funny acting, or weird.
“The hardest thing of all is to find a black cat in a dark room, especially if there is no cat.” -Confucius
Narcissistic Support, TWITTER:
It hits different when you’re disrespected by someone who is complete riff raff. A rat can’t hide its tail
Carolyn Malone | Editor, TWITTER:
"If you are NOT depressed and you see someone struggling, YOU reach out. If you don't see someone who used to be around, YOU reach out."
valor, TWITTER:
Don’t react too quickly. Stay calm and remember it’s just a moment. It shall pass.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
we hurt our own feelings by thinking we mean more to people than we really do.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
We can care about the happiness of the people around us or the people we love-- without falling into the trap of believing we HAVE to "make" them happy.
Turns out, in trauma recovery we have to set a LOT of realistic emotional boundaries like that-- & it doesn't come easy.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
If our trauma recovery's gonna stick, we gotta give up this fantasy that it's on us to "rescue" others.
I know. It's hard. We're conditioned to believe that EVERYTHING & EVERYONE is our fault & our responsibility.
But recognizing our limits is a boundary we gotta respect.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
Surround yourself with people who like seeing you feel safe.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | Neurodivergent Brain Health, TWITTER:
You’re NOT your trauma response.
This doesn’t mean hurt people just get to hurt people. This just means, have grace as you hold yourself accountable for the healing.
You developed these trauma responses TO SURVIVE, and I’m proud of you.
They aren’t WHO you are, though.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Watch out for the power reversal tactic of the narcissist, where they make you believe that you have control over them but really they are 5 steps ahead of you & actually controlling you.
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
Your personality can be altered and shaped by your conscious decision to do so.
The Caffeinated Therapist 🐝, TWITTER:
Telling a trauma survivor to “stop living in the past” completely ignores the real, pervasive impacts of trauma on our nervous system. Nobody WANTS to keep reliving their trauma. We react to past trauma bc that’s how trauma works, not bc we can’t (or don’t want to) “let it go.”
karen unrue, TWITTER:
INSIDE YOUR ANXIETY YOU’RE STRUGGLING TO HOLD ON TO A SENSE OF NORMALITY but 2the outside world u look fine. Ur afraid2say how ur feeling cos u worry they will reject u. Its a lonely,scary place2b & if u want2talk about it here PLEASE know we understand u & it just might help ❤️
AimTrue, TWITTER:
Recovery doesn't mean that old trauma responses will no longer appear.
It means that you will understand and recognize your triggers and know what works best for you when they do.
ᗰIᗩᕼ ᑕᗩᗰᑭᗷEᒪᒪ ♡, TWITTER:
Narcissists have more than one partner at the same time. They need ADMIRATION. They feel empty without it. All Narcissists seek the same things, SEX, MONEY, ATTENTION, VALIDATION, SYMPATHY, HELP, EMPATHY, POWER… Can you think of anything else?
Robert Greene, TWITTER:
You must consciously wage war against the past and force yourself to react to the present moment.
ッ, TWITTER:
stop watering dead plants & take shit as it is.
Let me say to begin with: it is not neurotic to have conflict... Conflicts within ourselves are an integral part of human life.
Karen Horney
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It's okay to get angry.
It's okay if other people get angry.
I know, sounds self-evident-- but for many trauma survivors it's not a given that anger is okay.
I mean it. Anger is okay.
And, guess what? So are OTHER emotions that you were taught were "bad."
I KNOW, right??
Teevee Aguirre 🚢, TWITTER:
As their father, I've always tried to protect them and their beautiful minds from any and all harm.
Yet they still feel pain. They still feel sadness. But to be human is to feel all range of emotions. Silly daddy.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Bullying itself may be considered workplace violence, due to psychological scars left on its victims. Left unchallenged, bullies may even trigger workplace violence from the person being bullied or escalate their bad behavior into violence themselves.
Matt 〽️ Mental Sovereignty, TWITTER:
When being wrong becomes fun you will level up MUCH faster than anyone else.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Be careful who you feel sorry for. Some people are good at lying and playing the victim, especially Narcissists.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Never be bullied into violating your sense of self, code of ethics or for any other reason. Be true to yourself.
a n n a, TWITTER:
society: "Just reach out for help if you need it!"
also society: "Nah, you are 'high-functioning' & 'super-skilled'."
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
Sometimes trying to see the good in people blinds you from the fact that they’re a terrible person.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
No one "gets" to abuse you, regardless of their relationship to you.
Ending or otherwise setting boundaries around a relationship that is harmful to you doesn't require the other person's undemanding or consent.
You have the right to safety, dignity, & stability.
Yes, you.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic personalities are such egomaniacs that they can't believe someone would stand up for their rights and call them out. If you do, something is wrong with you.. Nothing is wrong with you, it's called a boundary.... Don't let them make this about you, because it's not.
a n n a, TWITTER:
ableist employers: "We are accepting & inclusive! We do not discriminate!"
weird how the things I was told that I "need to work on" &/or my identified "areas of development" *just so happened* to coincide with my autistic traits & also my trauma responses 🤔/s
AimTrue, TWITTER:
Surround yourself with people who are good for your nervous system.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Sometimes other people disagreeing w/ or disapproving of us feels dangerous, because in the past it was used as a pretext to attack or hurt us.
That was real. You're not "crazy."
Deconditioning that sh*t takes time, especially when we "learned" it early. Easy does it.
#ThreadTherapist (she/her), TWITTER:
I know how to cope. I have ALL the skills. I know how to help me — but my mood is still constantly changing due to depression, trauma and anxiety. I’m tired. But I’m still healing & for that I’m grateful.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | Neurodivergent Brain Health, TWITTER:
Let’s “normalize” NOT
needing to DO anything
to feel worthy.
Our worth is intrinsic.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Be wary of people who constantly keep an eye on what you're doing but don't compliment or support you.
We were born radically WORTHY.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
A person who is bothered by what other people are doing is also a bother to others.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
Your greatest enemies aren’t always the ones who try to attack you.
Sometimes it’s the ones trying to attach to you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
The most basic form of asserting a boundary is saying "no"-- which isn't as easy as it sounds for trauma survivors.
It's such a simple, short word-- but it can light up every trauma response we have, notably "fight" & "fawn."
It's not your fault-- & not an issue of "spine."
Dr. Jen Wolkin | Neurodivergent Brain Health, TWITTER:
Repeat WITH me:
I do NOT need to self-flagellate in order to reach a goal.
I do not need to beat myself up, tear myself down, nor let my inner critic rage in order to succeed at anything.
I can have compassion for myself AND still hold myself accountable.
Matt 〽️ Mental Sovereignty, TWITTER:
I agree. Until you heal the reason why you live in your comfort zone you may damage yourself by just "trying to push through it"
I call this your "parking brake" and it must be resolved. Usually trauma related.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Blog: "In the end, survivor’s guilt must be met with acceptance and compassion— radical acceptance and radical compassion.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
There are people who will feel threatened when you learn to like who you are. These are not your people.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
I've been addicted to substances & behaviors, & I can tell you: people pleasing & seeking validation is among the hardest emotional addictions to quit.
That fantasy that others' approval or love will make everything okay is more intoxicating than any drug.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
For a long time I hid parts of myself-- my feelings, my needs, even my interests. It didn't feel safe to live authentically in a world that had proven itself unkind.
Eventually I realized: the "safety" of hiding came at the price of my self-esteem-- & it wasn't worth it.
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
Its heartbreaking to see these accounts of psychiatrists & other mental health professionals discrediting the experience of those harmed by psychiatric treatments.
For such a primitive science w/ such poor outcomes you would think they would have some humility.
Sociopaths
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
There are countless people struggling w/ events in their lives either past or present, their life purpose, are searching for connection & meaning.
Please understand you are not disordered, not experiencing a chemical imbalance, not ill, nor broken.
You are human.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Prioritize safety, instead of being nice. Boundaries matter.
bhavjot ✨(puv-jo-tuh), TWITTER:
a healer will trigger you. it’s inevitable. that’s their purpose, to trigger you into healing. to trigger your wounds to surface. to trigger you to face your own darkness. to trigger you into accepting, loving, & integrating your shadow. to trigger you to grow & evolve into your highest self. doesn’t mean they’re bringing out the worst in you. on the contrary, they’re bringing you closer to the best in you.
bhavjot ✨(puv-jo-tuh), TWITTER:
Yeah. You’ll be able to discern the difference. A healer has loving energy, pure intentions, & care for you. They’re not harming you but helping you move through the hurt so you can heal. A narcissist will continue to harm you. There’s no intention to heal you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It's common to feel small, nervous, & tongue-tied, especially around authority figures, when an emotional flashback hits.
It has nothing to do w/ how smart or tough you are. When your nervous system red lines, all that goes out the window.
First thing's first: breathe & ground.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | Neurodivergent Brain Health, TWITTER:
You can look “happy” on the outside and still experience depression.
You can look “calm” on the outside and still experience anxiety.
I am SO sorry you’re suffering and know it might not look like that on the outside.
Your struggle is REAL.
Shio Sakaki the teacher 🤨, TWITTER:
It's Mawning 😴,
I started off today retweeting the thoughts of aware people in society because I wanted to show the importance of interacting within society. This is the only way to become aware of our social wellness. So you can see that extraordinary people exist everywhere
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
The toxic person will label your needs as demands.
VV on Twitter: "“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth” — Pema Chödrön
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
People grow when they are loved well. If you want to help someone heal, love them without an agenda.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
It's time to walk away when they are repeatedly blaming you for their own abusive behavior.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
We live in a world that has a constant flow of support for abusers, liars, manipulators. Yet, when people who need help, ask for it, they are treated like an abuser, liar, manipulator. Make it makes sense.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Avoid people who mess with your head. People who say things to upset you. People who don't apologize. You don't need these kind of people in your life. Let them go.
"Life is not about finding our limitations, it's about finding our infinity." — Herbie Hancock
"The more that I know, the less that I think." —
@justmike
VV, TWITTER:
Fail more, know more.
“The further one goes, the less one knows.” – Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
“Rule your mind, or it will rule you.” – Horace
“Happiness is an inside job.” — William Arthur Ward
VV, TWITTER:
"People don't remember books, they remember sentences."
“The first gulp from the glass of natural sciences will turn you into an atheist, but at the bottom of the glass God is waiting for you.” – Werner Heisenberg
AimTrue, TWITTER:
If a trauma survivor tells you about their experience don’t ask for details about the event as though it’s entertainment. Instead validate their feelings and hold a safe space free from judgment.
Jacklena Bentley, TWITTER:
A toxic environment will change you long before you can change it.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
When the self victimizing abuser can't find anything wrong that you are doing to them in the moment, they will simply bring up a time from the past that you reacted negatively to their abuse.
CBT is a short-term treatment that typically consists of 12 to 20 weekly sessions.
As with CBT, Social Skills Trainin SST is a short-term, structured treatment that is typically presented in weekly sessions, often conducted in a group format.
After social events. Socially anxious people tend to engage in repetative negative thinking, or rumination. Rumination involves going over and over events without being able to let them go. Because socially anxious people's social judgements are biased, rumination may centre on an overly negative view of the event. Unfortunately, rumination establishes the negative memory more firmly in mind.
Over-agreeableness. Agreeableness can also be used as a safety behaviour. Some people believe that they must always agree with what others say, nor and smile frequently, and maintain an intensely friendly expression to prevent others from disliking them. Social psychologists refer to this pattern as innocuous sociability. What distinguishes innocuous sociability from genuine sociability is that the person feels compelled to display this behaviour and does so out of fear of rejection rather than genuine interest.
"Coping with Shyness and Social Phobia", W. Ray Crozier - Lynn E. Alden
ruhbir, TWITTER:
If any activity makes you happier, do it -
- No Need To Justify To Anyone
- No Need to Explain To Anyone
- No Need to Have Any Regrets
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Manipulative bullies will go out of there way to trigger you and then pretend they're the victims having to tiptoe around you. You really can't get any more toxic than this.
Josh…, TWITTER:
If they miss you, they'll call.
If they want you, they'll say it.
If they care, they'll show it.
And if not, they aren't worth your time.
Nedra Glover Tawwab, TWITTER:
Practice being less offended and more curious when you feel left out. It's not always them; it could be how they perceive you.
Jennii, TWITTER:
normalize saying “it’s really none of your business” when people ask personal questions.
Dr. Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, TWITTER:
Can we start calling it domestic abuse-coercive control instead of narcissistic abuse. Can we call them the abuser instead of the narc. Can we make it about behavior instead of personality disorder? Can we think of it as a crime instead of pathology?
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
It's stupidly ironic that, for some survivors, their trauma-driven anxiety & people pleasing made them appear too "functional" for anyone around them to guess they were actually suffering.
No one "performs" like someone fawning for their life.
You know.
Dr. Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, TWITTER:
Remember, the objective of the perpetrator of coercive control is to entrap you, to make you stay, with and endgame of psychologically annihilating you.
Dr. Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, TWITTER:
We are so much more than our trauma. The abuse does not define us. The trauma does not define us. We define ourselves.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
if your intuition tells you something is off about a person or place - trust it and remove yourself immediately.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The more healing you do, the more sensitive your body is to recognizing bad energy.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Having survived trauma, we can be particularly sensitive to feeling helpless-- especially when we're exposed to pain or injustice we can't change.
And survivors VERY often feel called or compelled to risk or sacrifice a lot to help people or animals we may not even know.
AimTrue, TWITTER:
When filled with trauma our nervous system has a limited capacity. We can have difficulty engaging with others, learning and feeling calm.
Dr. Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, TWITTER:
we are in need of new language, language that does not capture the scope and severity of the abuse or pretties it up in anyone needs to be revisited
for me, that which is abuse-induced, should be named as such. Abuse-induced emotional dysregulation, abuse-induced attachment, etc
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Justifying your choices (over-explaining) before you’re even questioned about them shows your nervous system is in a stress state. Be aware of this pattern. When you feel that impulse to explain, don’t. Notice how differently people respond to you when you practice being assertive. You’re no longer that child who will be punished— you’re an adult capable of making decisions in your own best interest. Own that.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
Toxic individuals don't lie to you because the truth will hurt your feelings. They lie to you because the truth might provoke you to make choices that won't serve their interest.
Shonna’s Thaw 💙💛, TWITTER:
“In your early years of life if you were raised in a harsh environment you may have become more sensitive as a means of survival.”
- Sensitive
 |
| "Coping with Shyness and Social Phobia", W. Ray Crozier - Lynn E. Alden |
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma survivors can be sensitive to even "good natured" teasing-- we WANT to be cool w/ it, but it pushes a button of feeling judged & criticized. It just does.
Then we feel silly for BEING sensitive about it, & pretend to roll w/ it-- like we do w/ SO many everyday triggers.
The Wily Survivor, TWITTER:
Narcissistic parents do not hesitate to objectify their children. As a child, you are used as a source of supply, your needs and wants are irrelevant, and your triumphs are met with rage.
Josh…, TWITTER:
Never feel guilty for setting boundaries to protect your own peace.
Josh…, TWITTER:
I don't regret the things I did wrong, I regret the good things I did for the wrong people.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Healed means being able to calmly take self accountability & of course an ongoing change & improvement in behavior. Also being able to be understanding & validating to the feelings of others, solid personal boundaries & no more blaming, self victimizing, criticizing & negativity.
LIMITLESS MIND, TWITTER:
Avoiding people who blame you for your negative reaction to their disrespect is top tier self-care.
Greg Elsdon, TWITTER:
The urgency of normal is the urgency of pretending things are normal. Mask wearers refuse to get with the program. They're refusing to pretend things are normal, and this messes with their heads.
Danjal Veskandar, TWITTER:
The same reason why people holding irrational beliefs do a lot of things. Mostly fear. Though they'll deny it.
When visibly confronted with people (even more so when it's a majority of people) not sharing their beliefs, they tend to lash out. A sign how secure their beliefs are.
Jennifer, TWITTER:
There seems to be a breed of people who can not tolerate anyone having a different opinion from them.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma is not just about what happens in the mind. The body is very much involved in surviving trauma— & must be very much involved in recovery from trauma.
Dr. Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, TWITTER:
The propensity to find a victim delusional due to a narrative that seems implausible is referred to as the Margaret Mitchell effect. As you may know, she was the only truth teller on the periphery of the Nixon administration. In her telling the truth, her psychiatrist
diagnosed her as delusional, psychotic. This happens to us victims all the time. And YOU the professional class, you must start off from a place of listening, believing, understanding the stories that we survivors tell you. We need you to believe survivors stories.
Our stories will seem unfathomable to the DV -DA-CC untrained professional because domestic abuse-coercive control is not a normal human experience. Most people do not have a frame of reference for understanding the experience and what it induces in victims.
Even victims may not understand their own experience. They may feel that they are at fault. They may think couples therapy can help. They may feel like they still love the perpetrator. We need you to understand the dynamics of domestic abuse-coercive control.
It happens all the time. All the time. It relates to a lack of training, it also relates to our collective difficulty comprehending such evil exists. We would rather think she is crazy than he is evil.
The kicker is she told me she was a DV expert and was writing a book.
Constant: correction, redirection, criticism, rejection = Poor self-image = Anxiety and avoidance
https://thrivingwithadhd.com.au/self-esteem/
Structured Success, TWITTER:
Neurodivergent people generally receive more negative feedback for completely inconsequential things than neurotypical people.
When we're repeatedly told even the smallest things we're doing are wrong, self-worth, self-esteem, and self-love can be incredibly hard.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Do not expect yourself to control what you can't control. Do not have unrealistic expectations about what you CAN control.
Survivors in recovery can grab on to certain ideas about what we "should" be able to control-- & it often kicks our ass.
Shame loves a good "should."
The secret is to imagine to the point of self persuasion.
Can you believe what you are imagining?
Neville Goddard
Dr. Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, TWITTER:
As a therapist how does therapy pathologise reasonable responses to fear and abuse? I would suggest that only happens in the hands of unskilled therapists.
Dr. Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, TWITTER:
It’s not that something is wrong with them it’s that something happened to them.
Ciara Bergman, TWITTER:
Many activities & interventions can be therapeutic in the sense that they relieve suffering, provide comfort, and enable change or agency etc. But: therapy is not always the right option & has the potential to pathologise victims' reasonable responses to fear, trauma etc
AimTrue, TWITTER:
The most important nervous system you need to listen to is your own. Many of us survived by listening, reading and predicting the nervous systems of others. Recovery involves making your own self-regulation a priority.
AimTrue, TWITTER:
You step into your power when you realize that you can do things alone. You no longer need others for reassurance because you trust in yourself so deeply.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹💫🥰☺️🐝🌹🚫Narcissists🚫, TWITTER:
Ignore the survivalist mantras such as “your trauma happened for a reason.”No it didn’t. Sometimes an abuser is drawn to amazing innocent person.
That’s victim blaming so stop it.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
What type of employees are commonly targeted at work?
1) Outspoken
2) High Ethical Standards
3) Independent
4) Free-thinkers
5) Competent
6) Unable to manipulate
7) Whistle blowers
8) Gender
9) Empaths
10) Confidence with integrity.
Add your own below.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
You have learned your lesson on narcissists, you don't need to go back for a refresher course.
Dr. Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, TWITTER:
You don’t have a relationship with a Narcissistic Abuser nor Coercive Controller. You survive, adapt, comply, resist, you coexist but you don’t co-create. You supply but you don’t build. It’s not a relationship except to the extent that a dog and it’s tick are in relationship.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
You can level up your life by transforming your complaints into prayers.
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
We cannot escape emotional pain in this life. Therefore if you believe sound mental health is the absence of emotional pain you will forever struggle.
The medicalization of emotional pain & a drug to deaden emotions is a dangerous ideology.
No more bystanders
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Psychosomatic pain is very real. The physical pain in the body from heartbreak, abandonment, and chronic unworthiness isn’t a ‘mystery illness’ or ‘all in your head.’ Emotions and emotional responses in the body aren’t something to dismiss.
Ryan 🖖 ♻️ 🌊, TWITTER:
The malignant #narcissists agenda:
1. Find a target.
2. Bully target systematically and progressively.
3. Look for perfect moment to push target over the edge publicly.
4. Point finger at target for being “out of control”.
5. Feel accomplished.
#NarcissisticAbuse
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
The right management team makes consistent deposits into your talent, self esteem and sees you as a long term investment. The wrong management team makes withdrawals and leaves you emotional and mentally bankrupt.
GA + IL= 🦂🦄, TWITTER:
Humanity isn't lost. It's traumatized.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER:
Many doctors have been trained to believe emotions have no influence on health and that emotional pain doesn’t play a role physical pain. The mind body connection is dismissed and people are gaslighted to believe their pain must exist within their own mind.
Adam Grant, TWITTER:
The antidote to passive-aggressiveness is not brutal honesty. Candor without care just makes you an asshole.
Communicating well is being direct in your message and kind in your delivery.
The goal isn't to sugarcoat the truth. It's to make it clear that you're trying to help.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Post traumatic hypervigilance means ALL our senses are on alert, & we're SUPER aware not just of scents & sounds around us-- but also of thoughts & impulses & sensations WITHIN us.
That's why closing our eyes doesn't work-- the hypervigilance just turns within.
Society highly values its normal man. It educates children to lose themselves and to become absurd, and thus to be normal.
R. D. Laing
We are all in a post-hypnotic trance induced in early infancy.
R.D. Laing
There are good reasons for being obedient, but being unable to be disobedient is not one of the best reasons.
R.D. Laing
Do not adjust your mind, the fault is in reality.
R. D. Laing
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
When we grew up in an abusive environment, attuning to how others felt & what they needed or wanted may have been a SURVIVAL skill.
Carrying around that hyper-attunement now, though, might make the world feel OVERWHELMING-- as if you're DROWNING in everybody's feeling & needs.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
In trauma recovery, we begin to sort out things that aren't or weren't our fault-- but we often have a voice inside us hissing that we're trying to "avoid responsibility."
Thing is, reality checking is NOT "avoiding responsibility"-- it's taking REALISTIC responsibility.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Trauma survivors tend to function at extremes of sensitivity. Either we're hyper-connected to everyone & everything all the time-- or we're blank, numb, disconnected, dissociated...often because that's the only way we can leave our house & exist in this overstimulating world.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse., TWITTER:
Before you question if you're losing your sanity, first make sure others aren’t gaslighting your reality.
Rizza Islam, TWITTER:
Intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people don’t get offended and evil people stay in control.
Psych Insights, TWITTER:
Healing means reconnecting with your inner child instead of reconnecting with your toxic ex.
AimTrue, TWITTER:
We create a lot of beliefs about ourselves and others. Many of these are founded in lies we created in our minds. Developing discernment allows us to seek the truth.
My Voice Unchained, TWITTER:
Becoming too comfortable around people who've shown their dislike for you can be dangerous.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
In trauma recovery, things can get dark. We can go through periods of partial self-acceptance; then plunge into self-doubt; then REALLY plunge into self-hate...& then reel it in w/ self-forgiveness.
This work stirs up all KINDS of sh*t.
And it's worth it. YOU'RE worth it.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮, TWITTER:
Stop oversharing – everyone is not your friend. Being private af about your personal life is top tier self-care.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Unlearning sh*t we were taught as kids is hard, because that's our baseline. We believe stuff we've believed forever because it's familiar & because that's what the Big People in our world said-- not because it's true.
And trauma recovery asks us to unlearn & relearn a LOT.
Jacklena Bentley, TWITTER:
Having empathy with no boundaries is self destructive.
Stopworkplacebullies, TWITTER:
You were never hard to get along with in the workplace
You were just getting harder to manipulate...
feyisayo 💸, TWITTER:
that uncle or aunt who kept their distance from the rest of the family will start making more sense to u as u get older.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Lots of people reading this were victimized, & there was no definitive resolution-- the person who did it got away w/ it.
One of our big challenges & tasks in recovery is dealing w/ that disappointment-- & the real fear that our abuser is still out there, posing a threat to us.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
Attack the problem and not the person.
reggie mills, TWITTER:
Effort is attractive.
Nate Postlethwait, TWITTER:
People who grow up in unsafe environments will go to extremes to explain themselves or prove their innocence. What others may see as a desperate attempt to be seen or heard is actually an innocent, triggered soul trying to escape the fear of once again being unjustly punished.
(14.3.2023)
When I discovered Pavlovian dog training concept and Skinner's box conditioning and Complex Trauma videos explanations about narcissistic abuse being programming and conditioning - I used only those terms to describe a process of trauma. So it may be useful to use other words as well due to fuzzy logic it's always a good practice to introduce alternatives to rigid vocabulary. By playing Word Trip app I am learning rarely used English words and I came up to the word din - which is excellent short word to describe programming and conditioning.
Synonyms for "din": instill, drive, drum, hammer, drill, implant, ingrain, inculcate, teach over and over again, indoctrinate, brainwash
Quick glance at personality disorder definitions, digging up all the explanations lead to discovery that is similar to social anxiety being different from social anxiety disorder:
and that is that not all personality traits are clinical, that personality disorders may occur as reaction to trauma, that those with personality disorders think of themselves to be normal and find PD label as untrue criticism, and have great difficulty dealing with others.
I believe those who are exposed to Cluster Bover long period of time will develop signs of personality disorder which truly is not disorder.
I never forced to believe myself to hide away social anxiety issues - I openly sought answers and techniques how to deal with difficult people who cause social anxiety trauma and fears. And I never had any difficulties in interacting with normal, healthy, sane, friendly personalities. This means that social anxiety is misdiagnosis when defined through the prism of CBT and DSM. CBT will lump all inhibitions into personality disorder: those who abuse others along with those who are targets of abuse.
CBT nor DSM recognize that Cluster B infects and disturb the healthy population, this fact is hidden away.
Basically, trusting own self worth means trusting own anxiety. If I feel panic and fears - it can stem from projecting and introjecting other people's incompetencies and fears as my own, however since social anxiety starts as byproduct of narcissistic abuse - social anxiety is reaction to toxic people who appear as friendly and nice. I will tend to trust them and help them and feel sorry for them. This feeling sorry for them make me put down my boundaries, along mixed with toxic shame where I believe I am inept - I put myself in inferior position, not trusting my own skills and capabilities. Then toxic people will exploit my good nature and service.
It is about not thinking too much anymore, trusting my fears and anxiety - not stifling them down and letting it go - and do it intuitively, spontaneously - instead of waiting for approval. Easening up into my own GPS.
Social anxiety is RSD:
Symptoms of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
(when criticism hurts)
- Being easily embarrassed
- Heightened fear of failure
- Unrealistically high expectations for self
- Assuming people don't like you
- Avoiding social settings
- Perfectionistic tendencies
And CBT "therapy" for social anxiety is:
"The Martha Mitchell effect occurs when a medical professional labels a patient's accurate perception of real events as delusional, resulting in misdiagnosis." (wiki)
I wonder what would be the effect of "normal" person exposed to CBT treatment - like believing their thoughts were cognitive distortions (ABC method) and that there is a dragon out there which must be confronted all the time (exposure therapy). It is clear that someone exposed to these paranoia instructions would become anxious - these do not help with anxiety at all.
And social anxiety is RSD: RSD is not diagnosis, RSD has no cure. Understanding RSD means we observe our panic and discomfort in social situations as reflex of being exposed to narcissistic abuse while growing up. Reflex means there is nothing pathological inside us, there is nothing to conquer, there is no need to focus on our fears and panic, there is no need to seek the cure and methods or techniques - but instead to ease up into own-self, oneself - being authentic, honest without inventing some fake mask of superiority and grandiosity which CBT tries to appease shy ones in their search of confidence - which they mislabel and misdiagnose as social anxiety.
Social anxiety is misleading. CBT misleads explanation and paths about how to handle social anxiety. It is explained through false equivalence fallacy that social anxiety means lack of confidence - since it is explained as shyness. Social anxiety is RSD: it is impulse, a reflect, Charcot Hysteria, being stuck in wrong posture over long and or repeated intense period of time - and now there is trauma.
Social anxiety is not PTSD - there was no one single traumatic event like in PTSD. The bullying event which causes avoidance was per-ceeded by continuous and constant repeated small events - criticizing and nagging and complaing, put downs and invalidation day after day, repeatedly exposure to invalidation - which is CPTSD, complex trauma that is compromised of repeated traumatic events.
When child is criticized all the time - the child will not hate the critic, instead the child will internalize the nitpickings and complaints as personal defect and will develop self hatred and self blame - the core of toxic shame.
So any explanation of social anxiety as lack of confidence is mis-leading and it will lead to self pathology and self blame. The problem was invalidation and exposure to toxic ambient and toxic people - then obvious solution is validation and acceptance. And this means accepting social anxiety - and observing it as reflex, impulse - something that was not our choice, not our fault - and that we can heal by providing it with love, nurture, validation and acceptance with the knowledge and education about Ventral Vagal: that our "normal" healthy sane place is being sociable. If we listen to CBT explanation - we will be focused on drama, conflict, creating fake image of superiority, competition, constant measurement and comparison with other people - trying to be "normal" - and hence fusing our self worth with CBT belief that we are abnormal and that our brain is not working normally as other people and that there is some core defect inside us which must be severely punished, destroyed and mocked and stifled down. Obviously - this approach will not help at all - it will re-traumatize us. When we are forced to believe that our thoughts are abnormal - while they are not - we will develop toxic shame and personality disorder. And CBT will only reflect our own belief of toxic shame - by providing us with more of toxic shame.
So what I see in social anxiety (RSD) is that there is inability - disconnect - with functioning - which stems from environment and internalized abuse. And where CBT explanations and misdiagnosis is doing more damage, it is wronger than wrong. We are sane, healthy, normal when we are in Ventral Vagal. CBT labels this as confidence and hence mis-directs socially anxious people into false belief that they must build fake grand persona of superiority in order to be confident, where somehow all problems will vanish with this narcissistic fake mask of super-confidence.
Bandura said "In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy" - and for long time I was convinced that toxic shame is the cause of constant destruction of self worth and hence self-efficacy. Then I noticed after I learned about Complex Trauma that there is a chasm, there is some wound - I was convinced it was rancour. As I learned more I noticed that there is some kind of injury but I did not have name for it. And now - this injury really has name - it is RSD: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria kills self-efficacy. Well, not immediately. What kills efficacy is or to be more exact ARE explanations - misdiagnosis, self blame, self hatred, self pathology - promoted by society, industry and own quick bias.
And here lies the problem - in the same time we need to accept and validate ourselves - but also have discipline which mimics self hatred and self abuse and invalidation.
It is about the balance between pleasure and work. The work will involve someone's criticism - which through RSD lens means stress and inability to work. The work itself, the trials and hardship is not problem - the only problem in RSD is criticism, rude people, attack and aggression mixed with wrong explanations that one's thoughts are sick and abnormal and must be corrected by being super-confident and super-courageous. Which is totally wrong since there is no issue with confidence nor facing fears at all.
This means that information about RSD is changing the way how anxiety is perceived and handled.
CBT approach of deficiency motivation is wrong - it will not work - such as bullying myself to be strong and courageous - because living with mortal fear is courageous enough - due to constant facing and exposure to fear and trauma all the time. If I decide to nag myself about being strong - I will not force myself to do more, since it will be hard and impossible task to do anything due to RSD.
RSD is virus, it is hamper factor (to hold back; hinder; impede). It is hidden, it is not recognizable - instead of RSD we blame quickly ourselves, scapegoat anything at hand, and quick workaround is to blame other people - which is where fight response will lie - and abusers will spread their trauma and make injury into new generations.
RSD is the problem - and it is ambiguous as it creates vague status: where the abusers are guilty perpetrators, which are now gone, and we have over-sensitivity - which means we are generating sensations - that are not really our fault but appear as such both to us and other people. RSD destroyes self worth since it makes us feel inept, different and abnormal without true or clear or laser sharp reason why - it is simply toxic shame feeling of being inept, wrong and not good which does not go away. With our self worth destroyed - there is a domino effect which goes on its own, it has no RSD element inside it: trauma bonding, thinking that other people are gods since they appear normal and without fears, then there is external referencing locus of control - and this will appear as people pleasing, which appears as lack of self confidence and later on all this will resemble as social anxiety. Then any healing and trials and helpful tips around confidence, exposure, social skills, being assertive - will simply not work - because true problem is RSD wound, not these symptoms which appear as sole problem.
RSD creates a lot of others annoyances - such as worry and rumination which appears as PureOCD and intrusive thoughts. When faced with difficult rude people - RSD will appear as social anxiety and anger, depending how much we are informed and educated about trauma. Then we will try to heal inner critic and social anxiety or mood issues - and they won't help, since core wound is RSD.
But now I believe although there is no cure for RSD - the information itself is enough to help us.
We no longer need to fix ourselves. We need to wait dysregulation to pass and ease up into Ventral Vagal when nervous system is back online into cortex brain being activated mode. Without RSD information - we would blame ourselves, try to fix ourselves - and this approach would only fire up more of dysregulation - such as hopelessness since nothing will fix RSD, no symptom nitpicking or healing will heal it.
When I need to do something scary - instead of nitpicking and worrying about worry, instead of techniques and methods how to be strong - I really need to focus on education about RSD: that Ventral Vagal is the goal along with my goals, and that I do not attempt to resist dysregulation - no matter how tempting it feels and what society, self help and society will instruct and misdiagnose with.
Here lies another problem - how to stay motivated and active - if I know that RSD will ruin everything? I can give up and do nothing then. RSD might also be the trigger for these known issues in social anxiety: catastrophizing and feeling that there is no hope or energy or reason to keep on going.
Then it is up to me to stay motivated and active. I need to be the one who consciously pulls myself up - instead of waiting for the right mood. This is then better focus and homework than CBT methods and techniques to be strong, couragous, confident and outgoing. With CBT I would create toxic belief that my thoughts are sick - and this would discourage me in the beginning. With CBT I would believe that I cannot rely on my brain nor my thoughts nor ideas or patterns or anything from me by me - and I would waste energy and time and focus on correcting myself. With RSD I know that my thoughts are not sick. The only problem is the wound which is causing trouble, not my mind.
This is where steps in the external factor. Other people's bad moods, criticism and observations and complaints. CBT does not recognize this part at all - and hence any social anxiety up from CBT will never work because CBT relies on idea that other people are not toxic and that they cannot influence our moods and decisions or energy and ideas. They can, toxic people do have bad influence on all people - and with RSD - they are the cause of RSD in the first place, so their comments will play huge role in immobility and pessimism and depression and fear, social anxiety.
"To succeed, planning alone is insufficient. One must improvise as well."
Isaac Asimov
This means we need to be innovative - by making improvisations and experiments and trying out things which self limiting RSD puts on us all the time. Going against own Confirmation bias and Availability heuristics, where I would do something which I "know" will not work, but doing it anyway.
RSD is auto pilot to feel fear and depression and negative emotions - which to observer may appear as a choice. With time even to wounded person it may appear as one's own choice, something that can be prevented and changed at a click of a button. It can't. RSD emits pain and hurt, it functions automatic, outside of one's own decision or choice. Yet paradox is that knowing this fact - gives us ability to shift focus and hence remove pain at the click of a button. We can do this button click only if we accept, validate ourselves - which means having power that stems from intrinsic locus of control - not by hurting other people or taking advantage of them or mocking them, as narcissists do.
Horror movie from 2013 called "Curse of Chucky" has a brief scene with Jennifer Tilly going to the post office and handing her package. For RSD - social anxiety would be activated with rude clerk who is unable to greet and behave in normal way, looking in the eye, having patience - the clerk is not looking at her and asks standard questions about the package. For social anxiety - this would be triggering - and this would appear as co-dependence - where my mood would depend on the other person, I would be in situation where I need service - and the other person is not interested in being nice and kind. In such situation social anxiety fear and anxiety and trauma and inner critic would tell that this person is toxic, that I must be mad at this person for being inconsiderate - which is all ridiculous if I really do protest and speak up. Clerk's job is not to make friends and to make interaction long. It makes sense to be quick and swift and afterall it is other person's choice how to interact. Perhaps the clerk had the rough day or they might be autistic - the point is that knowing RSD - I know now that my goal is the primary concern here. And as Tilly, I can respond in laughter, humor and comedy - no matter how clerk reacts, if I choose to. I do not bind my emotions to the other person and hence break trauma bonding. CBT would make things worse - since it would explain these fears as cognitive distortion and abnormality, something to eradicate, pay attention to and label as dangerous and something to work on, devote time, energy, money and focus - and to develop some magical skills to prevent irrational thoughts flood. RSD is the flood and it cannot be stopped, it will happen.
As Russel Ackoff said ; "No problem stays solves in a dynamic environment" - so is RSD element which forces us to never solve problems. It is a motor that keeps us awake and on the feet. It is a motor. So - if we take CBT approach - we might ignore and try to ignore it, change label and pretend negative emotions do not exist. It won't work. Or we can be lazy and pursuit happiness and satisfaction and pleasure - and of course, this too won't work. So the only way to handle the motor inside is to make it utilitarian - "designed to be useful or practical rather than attractive". Since we cannot ignore it, we can't rest, we can't remove it, we can't change it - we can only make it useful, something like a power plant - to exploit its good side: and that is to keep us educated, constantly seeking knowledge and better explanations. Not to settle with current assumptions - but to move on to the next.
It is clear that RSD as its social anxiety biggest face - we will be isolated and without people around us - since people will trigger the pain and hurt - that our goal would be socializing. With CBT we would make this socializing to hang around with just about anyone, with toxic people - and with RSD information we now know that this is too high cost to pay. We can actually choose people to hang with, filter out and block toxic people.
As Louis Brandeis said "If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you", which aligns with RSD - RSD will make everything hard to be more difficult, since it will add up pain and hurt and fear and anxiety and pessimism on the top of anything which looks and appears as a problem, blockage, urgency and difficulty of some sort. Yet if we know about RSD - then we do not need to pay attention, focus on or spend time, money, resources on trying to fix something which is not broken - and we can put energy and focus at the task given.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle, TWITTER:
Complex trauma survivors often struggle with their fundamental sense of identity, because we were busy SURVIVING during childhood instead of figuring out who were were and how to be a person in the world.
Lindsay Goodman 🏳️🌈 (she/her), TWITTER:
Survivors of abuse live with long term physical and mental issues while their abusers go on living with healthy bodies like nothing ever happened.
“There is a mystical fool in me that proved to be stronger than all my science”
CARL JUNG
Philosophy Tweet⚡️, TWITTER:
"What is most difficult is to love the world as it is, with all the evil and suffering in it."
— Hannah Arendt
Laddering and theme analysis techniques:
a way to search systematically for the beliefs that underpin your self-statements.
Repetition of "What does that mean to me?"
Self-Esteem, Matthew McKay & Patrick Fanning
Blog posts:
Reddit posts:
- Why not Social Anxiety "Solutions" or "Fixes" or "Overcoming"?
- Concepts that helped me understand Social anxiety, Panic Triggers and Avoidance
- Toxic shame
- Intrusive Thoughts (PureOCD)
- Self Worth
- Being stuck
- Resentment
- Doubt and Descartes 'Evil genius argument'
- External reference locus of control and External validation
- Amygdala hijacking
- Egocentrism
- Classical CBT based Social Anxiety on faulty premises
- Fawning
- Ebbinghaus' Forgetting Curve
- Long-Term Narcissistic Abuse Can Cause Brain Damage
- 20 ideas and conclusions about social anxiety I learned without external help
- Philosophical zombie (NPC Wojak)
- Comment on YT video "Marcus Aurelius - Stop Caring What People Think"
- Interdependence
- Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and Social anxiety
- Perfectionism is hidden factor of disorder in Social Anxiety
- Toxic people
- Three stages
- There is no absolute truth
- Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)
- Dualism and Double bind
- Alternative explanations of Social anxiety
- Anti-psychiatry
- Anti-psychiatry (2)
- Social Anxiety Map (I)
- Social Anxiety Map (II)
- Social Anxiety Map (III)
- All people have social anxiety. All.
- Humanistic therapies
- False self (I)
- False self (II)
- Catcher in the Rye (I)
- Catcher in the Rye (II)
- Catcher in the Rye (III)
- Complex Trauma (c-PTSD)
- Social Anxiety tips (I)
- Social Anxiety tips (II)
- Social stigma
- Trickster (by Jung)
- How Narcissists hijacked Social Anxiety
- Charcot hysteria
- Time machine - my views about social anxiety from 1996
- Trauma splitting
- Social anxiety in the presence of well-meaning people
- Kohlberg's Theory of Moral Development
- Kohlberg's Theory of Moral Development (II)
- Sam Vaknin and Richard Grannon (I)
- Sam Vaknin and Richard Grannon (II)
- Agreeableness
- Negative politeness
- Why smashing social anxiety approach will never work
- Seesaw effect
- Initiation into evil
- Invalidation
- Validation (I)
- Validation (II)
- Validation (III)
- Solution must be simple (Occam's Razor)
- Power Dynamics (I)
- Power Dynamics (II)
- Interpersonal sensitivity
- Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)
- Scapegoating people-pleasing is wrong
- Scapegoating people-pleasing is wrong (II)
- Social anxiety and Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)
