We can observe borderline hysterical behavior around us - for example people who act like Karen, blow up small insignificant things into full blown explosion and drama, and the most damaging are those who abuse and hurt others during the mood swing.
Even in media, newspapers and news reports are made to blow up the news in order to get clicks and views. So anyone who is following or watching or is immersed in such toxic behavior will get scared and anxious and stressed. And this is paradox - without neuroticism we would not be prepared, we would not make ourselves safe and we would not be prepared for bad times. This is what makes trauma and social anxiety and borderline issues difficult if not impossible to correct and put on a correct path so that we make better decisions in life other than self blame and self harm that we learned to take on as reaction to harm and pain and hurt.
Stepping out of trauma is accepting social anxiety - as in IFS Model there is accepting of our scared and damaged parts and embracing them. In the same manner - instead of blocking and chasing away the negative thoughts and pain - the correct path is to validate it. It is really painful if we were raised in verbal abuse. It would not be wise to add even more abuse and discipline on ourselves - since we have been disciplined and told to shut up for so long and in our formative years. Instead of blocking and instead of idea of replacing social anxiety shyness fears and panic with fake personality of confidence (which never works anyway) - I see the solution in accepting and embracing our fears and panic without judgment and without trying to correct it and without blaming ourselves and without fixing hysterical people so that we are no longer lingering on hysterical people who trigger us into social anxiety panic.
🔭
C.G. Jung Foundation
@cgjungny
Jul 20, 2020
"As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being."
Dalai Lama
@DalaiLama
Jun 22, 2020
What is important is not so much how long you live as whether you live a meaningful life. This doesn’t mean accumulating money and fame, but being of service to your fellow human beings. It means helping others if you can, but even if you can’t do that, at least not harming them.
C.G. Jung Foundation
@cgjungny
Jun 21, 2020
"Man is not a machine that can be remodeled for quite other purposes as occasion demands, in hope that it will go on functioning as regularly as before but in a quite different way. He carries his whole history with him; in his very structure is written the history of mankind."
C.G. Jung Foundation
@cgjungny
Apr 15, 2020
I began to understand that the goal of psychic development is the self. There is no linear evolution; there is only a circumambulation of the self. #CarlJungInspiration
C.G. Jung Foundation
@cgjungny
Apr 13, 2020
Real life is always tragic and those who do not know this have never lived. #CarlJungInspiration
C.G. Jung Foundation
@cgjungny
Feb 12, 2020
I'm sometimes driven to the conclusion that boring people need treatment more urgently than mad people. #CarlJungInspired
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Lots of trauma survivors have had the experience of feeling lonely, anxious, angry, or fearful in the presence of people who share their name & DNA-- but being made to feel like it's something wrong w/ them.
Something's wrong, all right-- but maybe not w/ you.
What if?
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Before you argue with someone, ask yourself, is this person even mentally mature enough to grasp different perspectives? Because many are not, there's absolutely no point in engaging in productive dialogue.
🐢
@turtlebreezee
You thinking you don't deserve good things is a trauma response.
MJM
@MikeJMele
How dare you tell someone who is struggling w/mental illness that what they are experiencing isn’t real? How dare you tell someone who’s suicidal that death is their only option for peace. I’m so sick of people’s big mouths ruining the lives of others & possibly even ending them.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
‘Radical acceptance’ is defined as- x
Fully accepting things as they are, versus ignoring, avoiding or wishing a situation were different, can be a critical step in moving through a difficult experience.
‘Radically accepting’ that the narcissist and the situation will not ever change, can help you move on to a life without them.
This doesn’t mean it will be ‘easy’ but it can make it easier to move away from what you don’t want.
Christine Forner
@assoc1counsell
Such bullshit. Feelings (neurobiological affect and sensorimotor physiological biomechanics) drive thoughts. In other words, NEEDS. Met the need, nurture the human, thought change all my themselves.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
Brasil’s domestic violence law rightly frames what the northern hemisphere calls abuse, violence. It is psychological violence, financial violence as well as physical violence. Coercive Control is VIOLENCE.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone, is the moment to walk away.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
You're not "defective" because you struggle to love or accept yourself. You're responding to CONDITIONING. Loving & accepting yourself feels dangerous-- like a trick, or a setup, or a "test."
Reformatting your hard drive is gonna take time, & that's okay. That's how this works.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
“No one is coming to save you” - is not an empowering message. It’s an insulting message that assumes people are sitting around not doing what they 'should' do. Why is it so easy to assume the worst about survivors instead of giving them the respect they deserve? #Respect
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
Many ‘healing’ messages have trained survivors to not only accept shame but to be grateful for it.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Open minded people don't care to be right, they care to understand.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
i also think they know they are up to no good and don't want to be found out....i think they use their rage tactically to intimidate.
Andrew Campbell
@amcampbell84
Emotionally abusive people aren’t interested in relationships they can’t control.
Aaron Goslee
@goslee_aaron
Every single "mentally ill" person I've ever met in a psych ward has a disturbing story they're trying to tell, and the psychiatrists invariably tell them in so many words/ways to shut the fuck up and accept a damaging, stigmatizing label that has no explanatory value.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
At some point, you realize you had normal needs in an abnormal relationship.
Narcissists are not normal.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
Some of us have been through so much, that even something real and good feels fake and like a setup.
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness
@AwareOfTheNarc
If you express how you feel and your partner responds with, “I don’t want to argue” this is gaslighting. They are diminishing your feelings and they are trying to escape taking any accountability.
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
What will it take for you to realize you are being abused?
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
You don't have to accept things you are not okay with, regardless.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse.
@CoachElizabethS
A narcissist would rather impress a stranger than care for their own family.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Our trauma conditioning will try to tell us we are "useless" if we don't overperform in every area of our lives-- that "good enough" is NEVER good enough. Not for us.
You need to know that's a trap, designed to keep you feeling inadequate no mater HOW well you perform.
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
Post it Note to Self:
STOP being there for those that put you last.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
Normalize not forcing connections with people. If somebody doesn't see the value in having you by their side, don’t try to convince them.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Can you get PTSD from a hostile work environment?
A hostile work environment contributes to anxiety, depression, and in severe cases, can cause symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Symptoms of PTSD can include nightmares, unpredictable mood
Narcopath Info
@Narcopath_UK
Narcissists, sociopaths, and their enablers never want to discuss what angered you - they prefer focusing on your reaction to divert attention from their actions.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
A toxic workplace environment is more likely to change you than you change it. Plan your exit.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
You are worthy & lovable when you are hurt; when you're tired; when you're sad; when you're confused.
Your bullies & abusers from the past want you believing that your worth & lovability is contingent upon you feeling & functioning a certain kinda way-- but it just ain't true.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
Your soul knows, it will always tell you when it's time to turn the page and move onto a new chapter of your life. Trust it.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
When a toxic individual in the workplace senses that you are becoming confident in yourself or independent in validation, they will go to lengths to re-traumatize you again.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Ignoring, denying, disowning, and/or stuffing our emotions doesn't mean we're "in control," ether of our emotions or our lives.
Trauma Brain wants us to THINK it's "safer" to not feel what we feel or know what we know-- but that's just trauma trying to keep its grip on us.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Never apologize for being real.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Workplace bullies treat you bad because something is wrong with them on the inside, it's not you. Kind and compassionate people don't go around intentionally destroying others, they just don't.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
Nov 13, 2023
Coercive Control is not a relationship gone awry; it is an assault from Day One. It is a pattern of behavior used by a perpetrator to assume dominance and control of a targeted victim in the context of IPV. Coercive Control is a human rights violation, a liberty crime and has been identified as a type of torture by Nils Melzer, former UNSR -Torture in a paper delivered to the United Nations Human Rights Council and General Assembly (2018). The perpetration of coercive control is aided and abetted by the ongoing intertwined societal dynamic of patriarchy and misogyny. Coercive Control is an overdetermined phenomenon as both coercion and control of women is deeply embedded in centuries old perspectives that view women as inferior to men, as property, as subservient to their husbands. A critique of the concept of domestic abuse itself that I would make is that is heteronormative in conceptualization and it is important to keep in mind that gay men and lesbian women as well as people of diverse gender identities can also be both perpetrator and victim. The same patriarchal forces are likely to be at play where in addition to misogyny, internalized and institutionalized homophobia and transphobia are likely to be exploited by a skillful LGBTQIA+ perpetrator. Coercive Control is sometimes erroneously thought of as psychological abuse. In common parlance it is common to refer to coercive control as narcissistic abuse and to the perpetrator as a 'narc' or as a 'toxic' person. In my opinion, this is an insufficient and incorrect way of framing the phenomenon. The behavior of a perpetrator of coercive control is more than 'toxic' and whether they are narcissistic or not is secondary to the behavior they perpetrate, which in the context of IPV should be understood as domestic abuse or familial abuse. From my observation and review of relevant literature, perpetrators target victims. They profile the victim and identify both their assets and their vulnerabilities in service of knowing best how to manipulate them. Having said this, perpetrators are not partners the way we understand what it means to be a partner. They are perpetrators masquerading as partners. The narcissistic abuse recovery contributors have much to offer. However, often this paradigm to varying degrees begins to shift focus on the characteristics of the victim with attention to 'codependency', porous boundaries, agreeableness. I would suggest that these are often the experiences that reflect the impact of the abuse itself. This has lead me to the awareness that who we are under a campaign of coercive control is not who we are nor who we will become. This is also not to say that someone may have challenges in these arenas due to previous abandonment, abuse, neglect and other betrayal wounding. The pattern of coercive control is remarkably consistent across time, culture, geography, and manifests in different relationships whether they are of heterosexuals, lesbian women or gay men. Different tactics may be utilized depending on context and different vulnerabilities may be exploited and/or exploitable. For example, it is not unusual for gay men to have weakened family ties due to familial homophobia and for reproductive coercion to be used as a tactic targeting heterosexual women of child-bearing age. The pattern typically begins with grooming behaviors that are referred to as love-bombing. I prefer to call it the weaponization of sex and romance. These are not the 'good times' but rather an intentional tactic to seduce and hook a victim. While many red flags and warning signs will be seen eventually in hindsight they often remain obscured by the tactics of abuse themselves and the fantasy we are sold about the nature of romance. Having said that there is neuro-scientific evidence to suggest that oxytocin sensitive people are susceptible to the effects of the rush of oxytocin produced in this phase of the assault. Available research suggests that oxytocin plays a role in inducing blind trust, especially in regard to financial matters in these people. A high capacity for empathy may play a role in the formation of what some have referred to as a trauma bond as well, according to some research. This is why I have come to notice that perpetrators literally hijack our humanity. The concept of 'trauma bond' has been criticized by some as victim-blaming. I prefer to call this abuse-induced hyper-attachment syndrome to denote the idea that is is the result of an intentional tactic of abuse. It is reinforced with the dopamine/oxytocin hits that will be bolstered with intermittent reward and kindness along the When looking back one might believe that these were the 'good times' and long for their return. It will aid one's healing to understand that these were intentional tactics of abuse to keep the victim hooked. Keep in mind the objective of coercive control is entrapment, not to frighten one away right out of the gate. This is to say that the perpetration of coercive control is gradual, progressive, phase-like. The love-like tactic of love-bombing paves the way for increased isolation, induced emotional dependency. The perpetrator will vary tactics based on context but they might present loyalty tests (your friends or me), they might scare your friends off or make you embarrassed to have them around (by being drunk or hostile), they might present as jealous (which may be genuine but I happen to believe is a tactic of control). It might appear to the victim that they chose to stay home with their mate. Soon the victim will have a reduced social network and the abuser will come to dominate their world view and perspective. Emotional dependence may be followed by or intertwined with financial dependence. Here is where we can see that the misogynistic sea in which we swim aids and abets and offers a wide tool-set to the abuser...with suggestions that one quit their job and stay at home to raise the children. Where this is perhaps an ideal parenting choice for many this becomes a weapon in the context of coercive control. Alternatively, the abuser might exploit the finances and other resources of the victim not inducing financial dependence but rather inducing a sense of financial obligation. The abuser will vary their tactics based on what it is they are seeking to exploit. Tactics in general include psychological abuse, financial (patrimonial, economic) abuse, reproductive abuse, sexual abuse, legal abuse, surveillance and technological abuse, and physical abuse. The perpetrator will use different tactics along the way based on their skill-set, which is likely to sharpen over time. I say sharpen as the slow soul-killing psychological annihilation that victims are likely to experience has been referred to as a death by a thousand cuts. Leaving is never safe.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
2024 isn’t necessarily going to be a “better” year. Years are years. YOU will continue to create a better life for yourself through showing up for you, and healing past hurts. -Dr. Jen
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
Distancing yourself from sh*t that repeatedly triggers your mental health and lowers your vibe is top tier self-care.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
Unhealed trauma will sometimes give you a high tolerance threshold to toxic behaviour. Just because you can handle it, doesn't mean you have to take it.
Grimm Creator Stephen Carpenter
@creator_grimm
Bad advice is FAR worse than no advice.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
Healings reminds us that even though some people can’t give us what we need, this doesn’t make us needy 🫶
🟡Michael Clifford Carter
@mikecarter
The Key to Unlocking a Life Filled with Light is Realizing That You Hold the Power to Dissolve the Shadows by Standing Fearlessly in Your Own Brilliance.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
“Are you mad at me?” is a question often asked by people who were neglected as kids.
Neglect shapes the nervous system as surely as physical or verbal abuse.
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
I refuse to hate anyone. It drags me down and makes me think of that person daily. Why bother?
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Neglect isn’t always obvious. It’s not always ignoring-to-the-point-of-near-death (though it certainly can be— & that kind of thing happens more than many people would believe).
More often, neglect is a CONSISTENT failure to meet a kid’s needs, when a kid needs their needs met.
Narcopath Info
@Narcopath_UK
The injustice of sociopathic abuse is incredibly difficult to live with. If you've never experienced it, you have no idea how challenging it is. Don't….
They don’t like to talk about the anger and rage people feel when they’ve been violated by sociopaths. If you’ve never experienced it, you don’t have a clue about the rage a person can feel…
AimTrue
@AimTrue7
A lot of people don’t talk about the anger that comes with trauma.
We may be filled with rage, angry thoughts & words.
Anger is often coupled with shame.
Healing involves uncovering what’s beneath the anger as it’s often a protective part.
Jacy, LPC
@ATMwithJacy
Thinking someone is a good person simply because you love them is very dangerous.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
You are worthy, you were always worthy. They weren't.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
They weren’t doing their best if they were abusing you.
#bloodisnotthickerthanabuse
Narcissisms
@JonRhodesUK
Jan 3
Narcissists prefer you to scream and shout at them, than ignore them...
Matthew Coast
@MatthewCoast
Be with someone who wants you, who waits for you, who understands you even in the madness; someone who helps you, guides you, supports you, and gives you hope.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
I love people who are highly aware of their worth but highly humble too and never look down on others.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
Financial and psychological violence are so deeply intertwined.
Narcopath Info
@Narcopath_UK
Psychopaths can make outrageous accusations, even involving serious crimes, knowing that the fear and guilt you feel may prevent you from questioning them, as others might question your judgment. They prey on your emotions.
They take a sliver of truth, add a bunch of lies, present it in an appealing package, and people end up gaslighting themselves.Gaslighting works better when a sliver of truth is added.
C.G. Jung Foundation
@cgjungny
Nov 17, 2020
"The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves." Carl Jung
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
Have you noticed how much you learn from someone when you tell them NO?
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Trauma survivors' difficulty asking for help has nothing to do w/ "pride."
Usually it has everything to do w/ the fact that drawing attention to ourselves at all was literally dangerous once upon a time-- & our nervous system very much remembers.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
You are never too old to go back and start giving your younger self what you needed once upon a time.
It is never too late to create a more compassionate, supportive relationship with your past self.
If you're reading this, there is still time.
Amy | Wellness Alchemist
@amydoublet
Procrastination is a form of nervous system dysregulation.
It is coupled with the emotions of shame.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
You deserve to feel seen without fear of mockery or attack.
You deserve the chance to explore & discover & develop who you are, without fearing it'll be used against you.
You deserve to have preferences & passions without getting sh*t for them.
That what *I* think, anyway.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
People talk behind your back for 3 reasons.
1) they can't reach your spiritual level
2) when they don't have what you have
3) when they try to copy your lifestyle, but can't
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
I don't care how "bad" your life was or wasn't according to somebody else's standards or opinions. If it wounded you, it wounded you, & you deserve compassion & support as you heal.
"But was is REALLY that bad?" will f*ck w/ your head & NOT contribute to your recovery.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
They aren’t abusive because they are angry. They are angry because they are abusive.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
Jan 5
it's not a toxic relationship, it's not even an abusive relationship, its not a relationship at all. coercive control is not a relationship gone awry; it is an assault from day one...
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
words like toxic, abuse, relationship, narc, partner, intimate partnership...all diminish the nature of coercive control. more apt descriptors are torture, violence, hostage-taking, assault. coercive control is not a relationship gone awry; it is an assault from day one.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Jan 5
Bullies often target employees who are fair, honest and ethical or have strong morals and integrity. Especially if the bully(s) don't possess those traits or if the target's values conflict with those of the bully. Whistleblowers who expose fraud are often targets.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
If I ever stop talking to you & remove you from my life, just know how hard it was for me. I have a bad habit of holding onto the little bit of good in people & giving too many chances. So if I don’t fw you anymore, its bcoz you pushed me past my limit—but when I'm done, I'm done
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
everything a perpetrator of coercive control aka narcissistic abuse is calculated, purposeful and a part of the assault. it's not like they were nice when you met them and then changed along the way. the monster you see at the end was simply in camouflage at the beginning.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
perpetrators of coercive control often utilize tactics that give them plausible deniability causing confusion and cognitive dissonance in the victim.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Beautiful souls recognize beautiful souls. Keep being genuine, authentic and kind. Your people will find you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Jan 5
Trauma Brain is gonna try to tell us, over & over again, that our symptoms & struggles are "stupid" & we "have" to keep them to ourselves.
Working to feel & function better might feel pointless for a long while while we chip away at Trauma Brain's bullsh*t-- but keep at it.
sad
@lonesfeels
Trauma makes you feel like you're responsible for other people's moods so you drain yourself and make sure they feel okay. Healing makes you realize it's not your responsibility to regulate their emotions, manage their insecurities, heal their wounds, and calm their inner storms
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
The best minds in mental health aren't the docs. They're the Trauma Survivors who have had to figure out how to stay alive for years with virtually no help. Wanna learn how to psychology survive under unfathomable stress? Talk to abuse survivors.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
📷
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse.
@CoachElizabethS
Narcissists claim their exes are crazy, rather than admitting they cheated on them repeatedly, lied daily, gaslit constantly, bankrupted them financially, took away their friends & family, hurt them emotionally, and then abandoned them once they'd drained them completely.
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
Your circle of friends and family should be proud of you, not jealous.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
One reason why complex trauma is so f*cking consuming is that it tends to be entwined around relationships we can't escape or are dependent on-- often, when we're young, attachments we literally can't live without. The people & institutions (schools, churches) that ARE our life.
Andrew Campbell
@amcampbell84
Once free from an abusive relationship, DO NOT GO BACK. Without sincere change in the abuser, which unfortunately often seems unlikely, things will only get worse.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
Don’t blame the victim; blame the abuser.
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
Malignant #Narcissists will abuse you and then later on might try to say something like, “you should’ve put up more of a fight”, “you should’ve fought back, that was your mistake” or “ it’s not my fault you’re weak”, or “ if you can’t handle it from me you won’t be able to handle…
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
Sorry means nothing when trust is broken.
Jacy, LPC
@ATMwithJacy
A lot of people have the same characteristics as the people they hate.
Dr. Roger McFillin
@DrMcFillin
Here’s the scam.. you work 12 hour days, addicted to your phone, living pay check to pay check, eating toxic food, disconnected from nature & being exposed to toxic ideology that is provoking stress Then you feel like shit & they label you w/ a psych disorder & give you a pill
Matthew Coast
@MatthewCoast
You will never be good enough for the wrong person.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
Jan 6
Telling someone with ADHD “to just try harder” doesn’t work, because ADHD is an actual neurodevelopmental disorder that disrupts normal executive functioning and is NOT a matter of willpower. -Dr. Jen
Robin Wasserstein "Creativity Is My Niche"
@susansa86371078
NEVER: "When You Allow A Narcissist To Disrespect You & You Don't Stand Up For Yourself Because You Are Polite,, These Characters Are Going To Come At You In Full-Force Mode. Never Allow Them To Disrespect You Because It Will Continue. You Respect Yourself By Going "No Contact".
E.Berry
@EdwardABerry11
I just keep thanking them for their unsolicited advice. It confuses them as they are ALWAYS on the hunt for contention.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Your intuition is the most honest friend you will ever have....
Andrew Campbell
@amcampbell84
Working to heal from abuse is an integral component of breaking cycles of abuse.
Dr. Roger McFillin
@DrMcFillin
We are experiencing a pathologized generation. Told distraction & boredom is ADHD, Sadness is Depression, feeling good is mania, worry/fear is an anxiety disorder. Decease stigma means take these drugs. Completely lost site of what it means to be human.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
Reminder from a neuropsychologist.
When you’re down about the fact that Trauma Changes The Brain
I want you to remember:
SO. DOES. HEALING. Dr. Jen
SO. DOES. HEALING.
SO. DOES. HEALING.
Dr. Roger McFillin
@DrMcFillin
There is no disease called ADHD. It's not a discrete and identifiable medical condition. It's a social construction.
A made up label to describe "symptoms"- and it has NO explanatory value. Its actually lowered our standard of care. It is completely out of control. Now everyone IS "ADHD".
if 🫠
@chrisscross
Naive question: Thoughts on the view that some or many (though not most) expressions of cPTSD may be misconstrued as ADHD?
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
It takes letting go of the narcissist to realize you were holding on to nothing
a n n a
@hi_its_annaleah
yet another vicious cycle of trauma:
trauma *itself* tells me that I am hopeless & unworthy of love.
then, many people's *reactions to my trauma responses* further reinforces the belief that I am hopeless & unworthy of love.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
When, for years, we were literally, physically trapped in painful situations w/ our family, we can forget that, as adults, it's not only OK to physically remove ourselves from triggering or dangerous situations-- it can be a profound act of self-care & essential to our recovery.
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
Yes, psychological abuse and the trauma lead to physical problems.
Each one of us has some sort of inflammatory issue, pain, diseases, allergies, etc.
Because narcissistic abuse affects the entire nervous system
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
Dec 18, 2023
Narcissistic abuse is so absolutely insane, that when you attempt to explain "it" you look crazy, because the abuse is crazy, and those who haven't experienced "it" can't believe "it" because to them, it is too bizarre to be true
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
The difference between straightforward trauma & complex trauma often boils down to, trauma is painful-- but complex trauma is a mind f*ck.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
·
2h
Replying to
@cosmicfavoreq
Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence. I have a Ph.D. and a purple belt in Krav Maga. The tactics of coercive control are the same tactics used by the Chinese that broke American soldiers during the Cold War. In general, though, I don't waste my time in trying to convince anyone of anything. It's not how I choose to use my time.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
Those who say it cost nothing to be kind, haven't met a Narcissist.
a n n a
@hi_its_annaleah
"You aren't autistic! You don't miss social cues!"
3 things:
(1) the phrase/concept of "missing social cues" & "picking up on social cues" requires unpacking, plus:
(2) pattern recognition (autism), &
(3) hypervigilance (trauma) means I am/appear to be very observant & attuned.
ADHD Jesse
@adhdjesse
“Just make it a habit” is the big lie for fixing ADHD problems.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
Just because a person has a gorgeous heart & gentle nature doesn't mean they're naive or fragile. You never know the type of chaos it took for someone to become that calm. Don't confuse kindness for weakness...those ppl have survived the hardest battles—they're smart & strong af
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
They don't lie to you because the truth will hurt your feelings. They lie to you because the truth might provoke you to make choices that won't serve their interest.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
Sometimes the hardest realization is that you meant practically nothing to the narcissist.
Jacy, LPC
@ATMwithJacy
Seeing through peoples wrongdoings and being able to see their potential isn’t a bad quality to have. However, the reality is — some people take note of this simply to manipulate you.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Your feelings are valid, your reaction was valid. Read again....
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
It's hard to maintain authentic, non-toxic relationships w/ people who are heavily invested in seeing themselves as more emotionally stable than us-- because they're always going to frame things in such a way that'll make us feel lousy or respond in "crazy" ways.
Andrew Campbell
@amcampbell84
Emotional abusers don’t respond well to healthy boundaries.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse.
@CoachElizabethS
There are two sides to every story. Then there's the narcissist's version of events which seems to have nothing to do with the original story.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
The final stage of healing is using what happened to you to help other people.
Connection Code
@ConnectionCodes
Absolutely.
And for the people pleasers-- careful of skipping to this step before being fully healed. You deserve to rest and focus on you.
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
Narcissists rarely burn bridges because they want to keep everybody in pocket for when they need to use them in the future.
To a narcissist, it's all about manipulation, triagulation, and control.
Whereas an educated empath burns bridges they know are too dangerous to cross again.
A narcissist needs constant attention and supply, whereas an empath prefers solitude, and tries to refrain from engaging in meaningless and pointless interactions
Matthew Coast
@MatthewCoast
You can’t heal if you keep pretending you’re not hurt.
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
To a narcissist, bad attention is good attention because they all they do is crave attention
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
Don’t give a narcissist the satisfaction of knowing they got to you.
Ignore. Them.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
What is Workplace Bullying?
It is the unwanted, unwelcome abuse of any source of power that has the effect of or intent to intimidate, control or otherwise strip a target of their right to esteem, growth, dignity, voice or other human rights in the workplace.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
It's true that particularly sensitive or anxious kids are often targeted for bullying or scapegoating in toxic families or communities.
That doesn't mean we "brought it on ourselves" by being "too sensitive."
Our childhood vulnerabilities are not "choices."
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Toxic individuals have mastered the art of making victims look crazy for challenging or questioning actions they have done intentionally.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse.
@CoachElizabethS
A narcissist hits you with shame. False promises. Accusations. Isolation. Manipulation. Control. Slander. Games. Silence. The past. The mask. Betrayal. Gaslighting. Lies. Abandonment. Insecurities. Criticism. Then claims they did nothing to you.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
When you are seen as a threat to their perceived power...
You will always be a target.
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
Narcissists believe everyone is lying to them because all they do is lie
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
Instead of struggling to find the answer for someone else, why don't you find the answer for yourself?
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Please do yourself a favour. Don’t lower your standards to fit in. Don’t shrink who you are to make others feel comfortable. Do find and surround yourself with people who like you just the way you are and who encourage you to keep growing.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Remove yourself from any place you don't feel valued or respected..
Life is just to short to put up with bs.
Narcopath Info
@Narcopath_UK
Remember their ability to switch between overt and covert ways of abusing adds to the complexity, making it difficult for others to recognize. They can switch it up.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Survivors of complex trauma have very often been made to feel like we're the "sick" or "weak" one because of our trauma symptoms & struggles-- when the truth is, we were often the healthiest, strongest members of a toxic family, church, or community.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
Don't tell a survivor what they should've done - you don't know what they should've done.
Don't tell a survivor what you would've done - because you have no idea what you would've actually done.
#respectsurvivors
Susan McMichael
@SuzMcMichael
God does not have a maximum. He has no limits. He leaves the distance to show free will. Man can choose to touch or not.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
You telling the truth about a family or church that hurt you is never "the problem."
You exploring if & how you were hurt, w/ a therapist or anyone else, is never going to create hurt that wasn't there. That's just now how that works.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
Life hits different for those forced to live in survival mode than for those who felt consistent emotional and physical safety, secure attachment, and had permission to be exactly who they are
@drjenwolkin
Eleanora Winters (Hardened)
@elnorface
Sometimes you can accidentally manifest a dark reality through creating a negative subjective perspective on life; when your fears play out enough in your head, they will start to feel true.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
I love people who make others feel seen, heard, valued, supported, and loved. People with gorgeous hearts, open minds, and gentle souls. The rare gems who make you feel deeply understood, give you total freedom to be yourself, and make you feel beautiful – just for being YOU.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Blog: "Our shows, our movies, our music? They turn into more than just entrainment. They turn into opportunities for trauma survivors to feel human— in a culture and a world where we very often feel like aliens."
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
Admit it. You're not like the others, and that's not only okay it's BEAUTIFUL.
Master 🦋
@master_nobody
Jan 9
Introverts don't need a lot of stimulation. A quiet walk, watching a movie all by themselves, or reading a book gives all the stimulation they need. They're not anti-social, they just prefer calm over chaos. That's all.
𝒮𝒶𝓂𝑒𝑒𝓇𝒶𝒽 𓁿
@soulmuva
This may sound mean, but I don’t like being around people who have to find the bad or negativity in everything. Like the day could be wonderful and they still find something to complain about, or find a way to bring the mood down somehow. It ruins so much for me.
Inner Practitioner
@MindTendencies2
People assume your soft heart and gentleness must have come from an easy life. They don't know you've gone through all kinds of pain, anxiety, insecurity, self-abandonment, self-doubt, self-loathing, self-rejection, depression, and become soft and gentle with strong boundaries.
sad
@lonesfeels
trauma can make you feel like you're not safe, even if the world around you appears to be safe. this can make it incredibly difficult to explain to people who don't understand why you suddenly feel anxious, fearful, or overwhelmed.
Andrew Campbell
@amcampbell84
Healthy relationships are not hindered by healthy boundaries. If setting healthy boundaries upsets or even angers the other party, it’s probably not a healthy relationship.
Lecie Geneva
@LecieGeneva
Some people care more about having the perception of being a good person rather than actually being one.
Meech
@MediumSizeMeech
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
Your soul knows. It will tell you when its time to distance yourself from the people who no longer align with you mentally, emotionally, physically, and energetically.
bhavjot ✨(puv-jo-tuh)
@LightofEmotion
the more you heal the less you tolerate. you tolerate less disrespect from others. you tolerate less of your own bullshit. you tolerate less of all the things that disturb you. protecting your peace becomes everything.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
The wildest thing about people who don't like you, they watch everything you do.
Jacy, LPC
@ATMwithJacy
When somebody engages in defense mechanisms with me — I ask them in this moment — what are you defending yourself from?
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
The opposite of anxiety isn’t calm.
It’s SAFETY. -Dr. Jen
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Ever notice how people who don't tolerate lies, disrespect, or deceit are always labeled difficult, unstable, crazy or bitter?
Andrew Campbell
@amcampbell84
Most emotional abusers it seems, may not recognize and certainly won’t ever acknowledge their abusive acts as abuse.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Healing begins when you share your story with safe people.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Covert bullying
1. Unfair task allocation
Placing unreasonable performance demands on the target
2. Withholding of information needed to execute tasks
3. Group manipulation
Indirectly encouraging other employees to isolate the target or to contribute
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
Jan 10
I understand the allure of referring to them as the narcissist. When I review my own evidence I see that I went back & forth about whether he was or wasn’t. When I started to focus on how I felt, not his diagnosis my feelings guided me in the right direction. Trust your gut.
Andrew Campbell
@amcampbell84
Emotional abusers often paint their victims to be the problem, but the REAL problem is the one holding the brush.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
People are more worried about children being resilient than they are about children being safe.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Just be yourself.
The right people will love you...
The right people belong in your circle ⭕.
Jacy, LPC
@ATMwithJacy
Safe spaces look like accepting people for who they are & meeting them where they stand. Especially when they’re frozen out of fear & reluctant to change.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
Staying in a relationship just because you love somebody, is not worth it. Love is not all you need. Respect is what you need. Effort is what you need. Time is what you need. Honesty is what you need. Happiness is what you need. A best friend is what you need.
Robin Wasserstein "Creativity Is My Niche"
@susansa86371078
BREADCRUMBING: "Narcs Use "Breadcrumbing" For Many Reasons. It Might Be For Control, Punishment, Manipulation, Or To Keep You Dangling. Either Way, It Is Total Disrespect Towards You. Narcs Also Use Breadcrumbing To Keep You Around So That You're Still Around To Give Them Gifts".
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Getting snippy, irritable, or even angry, as humans do, doesn't make you "the same" as a chronically dysregulated & abusive person from your past-- but Trauma Brain might try to tell you feeling ANY negative or aggressive feelings makes you "just the same." q
It doesn't. Really.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
When you start to realise so many people are emotionally wounded children in adult bodies, you stop taking so much sh*t personally.
🔮✨
@TheOracleReadsU
Stop holding onto people just because you have history together. You got strangers clapping louder for you than the people you thought really cared for you.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
Many ‘healing messgages’ are underhanded victim blaming/shaming or trying to guilt/scare a survivor into ‘healing’. See how many times you notice this. We don’t tolerate blaming from anyone. #healingtrauma
a n n a
@hi_its_annaleah
society: "You need to speak up!"
me: *speaks up*
also me: *loses community as a result of said speaking up*
The_Narc_Decoder
@NarcDecoder
Most of your enemies you have in your life started off as people you helped out in their life. Let that sink in!
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Trauma survivors very often hold back what we're thinking, feeling, & needing-- but not necessarily because we don't want to connect. We're often DESPERATE to connect.
Often we're actually afraid that whatever we say will be somehow used against us.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse.
@CoachElizabethS
Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs somewhere to live.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
Just be genuine... it's not difficult.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
The truth is we need both points of view and neither one has to be wrong in order for another to be right.
Andrew Campbell
@amcampbell84
Perpetrators of abuse often deny or diminish the impact of their actions on others.
Harley 🥀🖤
@TooHot2Handle26
You can not heal in the place where you receive the abuse
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
A narcissist uses your anger against you when your anger is justified due to their shit behavior.
They do this to deflect accountability.
Stevie.
@khem_stevie
Emotional maturity is when you refuse to be offended. When people ignore, or are mean or rude to you.. they’re revealing themselves to you. They’re telling you what’s within them.. not what’s within you. How you treat those who mistreat you, reveals your emotional maturity..
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Truth tellers, whistle-blowers, scapegoats and the real victims are always portrayed as 'crazy.'
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
Behind every strong person is a broken child that had to learn to stand up for themselves.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Defamation is a control tactic.
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
The soul usually knows how to heal itself. The challenge is silencing the mind.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse.
@CoachElizabethS
Narcissists are the masters of manipulation. They play the poor, abused victim whilst embarking on a mass smear campaign against those who dared to stand up to them.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Trauma Survivors have trust issues because people have lying issues.
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
Narcissists gain enablers because some people don't understand psychological manipulation to know the narcissist is controlling them
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
If, growing up, the only models we had for people who felt good about themselves were narcissists, we're gonna be reluctant to feel positive emotions about ourselves now-- because we don't wanna be like them.
But self-esteem isn't narcissism, & narcissism isn't self-esteem.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
Normalize not feeling bad for distancing yourself from any person who didn't feel bad for hurting you.
Stevie.
@khem_stevie
Stop letting people make you think your discernment is off. You know what you seeing..
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
A narcissist thinks you are arguing every time you share your feelings.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Yes, workplace narcissist do that to shame and silence you.
Dr. Bob Beare
@DrBobBeare
With a calm nervous system, we no longer have to grab every stimulus, answer every question, every ringing phone, or opportunity to argue. Shut tf up and breathe is an advanced technique.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
We can argue all day with our nervous system about whether it "should" react to a trigger-- but whether a trigger "makes sense" to us or not, when we're triggered, we're triggered.
The sooner we accept it, the sooner we can handle it.
Onnedheil
@onnedheil
you cannot actually heal a damaged nervous system on a physical level like a car accident, brain damage etc. Medically we don't have the tech, it's just passive care that's all we can do. that's why there is an opioid crisis. you cant cure spinal injuries with kind words.
Hannah Stevenson 🏳️🌈 🇺🇦
@HanaStev
Where previously I may have felt it doesn't make sense to me or others I know that doesn't matter because I can't always control that reaction but I can usually control my next steps and how to deal with it and keep myself emotionally safe.
Lee Hammock
@mentalhealness
The price you pay for ignoring your INTUITION is MUCH greater than the price you would pay for TRUSTING it.
sadi ᜊ
@ctrlsadi
it's draining trying to match someone's nonchalant energy when you're naturally a caring & sweet person
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
When we're dependent upon our abusers-- economically, socially, spiritually, or otherwise-- it compromises our agency. That's not an "excuse;" it's a fact.
It's similar to how a brain that's become dependent upon a substance cannot think straight about using-- or quitting-- it.
Narcopath Info
@Narcopath_UK
Intelligence doesn't shield one from getting entangled in a sociopath's orbit. In fact…..
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
All narcissists are co-dependant. The most co-dependant personality that exists.
Always need someone around. Always in need of supply.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
a snippet of the copious text sent to my therapist just after my escape from Coercive Control:
"It was never a love story, it was a trap and I fell right in."
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
A narcissist isn’t going to change or feel bad for what they did to you.
Move on.
Matthew Coast
@MatthewCoast
The red flags you ignore in the beginning, will be the same red flags that end your relationship.
Dr. Roger McFillin
@DrMcFillin
Sensitive and creative people are more likely to be misdiagnosed, misunderstood & mistreated in the mental health system.
Robin Wasserstein "Creativity Is My Niche"
@susansa86371078
TRIGGERS: "Many "Survivors" May Have a "Trigger" And That Is OK. It Is Your Mind Telling You That You Have Been Disrespected And Certain Rude Comments Towards You Are Inappropriate & Your Trigger Is Reminding You That "You Deserve To Be Respected". And Should Be".🙏🩵
Aaron Goslee
@goslee_aaron
Are most “mental illnesses” merely classifications for the way the individual is dealing with anxiety? Is anxiety at the heart of nearly every “mental illness?” Does the question of healing become “How do we teach a person to deal with their anxiety/anxieties?”
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
Narcissists create fear in people to control them...
Where there is an absence of fear, there is a courage.
They can't control a person who refuses to fear them - they can't handle that which they can't control.
It all boils down to their #1 trait, a sense of entitlement
Brenda Smiles
@BrendaSmiles333
Narcissist are evil pretending to be good.
sad
@lonesfeels
everytime i addressed a problem that bothered me i became the problem, so i learned to stop talking about my feelings
Native Red Cloud🪶Maȟpíya Lúta~Hińhan Wakangli⚡️🦉
@Native3rd
“Nobody understands how much pain and anger it took for you to become this calm.” – Unknown,
🐢
@turtlebreezee
People’s true colors come out when they don’t get what they want from you.
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
Malignant #Narcissists like to flip the script. They’ll tell people they’re afraid of their victims. This makes the victims look like the bad guys.
The truth is, they ARE afraid of their victims, but what they’re really afraid of is being EXPOSED by their victims for how abusive and dishonest they really are.
This is how covert narcissists intertwine hints of honesty with their deception. On the surface, they’re being honest when they say they’re afraid of their victim. But they leave out the reason WHY they’re afraid.
Or they will simply make bold face lies to account for their visible fear of exposure.
Jacy, LPC
@ATMwithJacy
Unresolved trauma will show up in every area of your life.
Dr. Roger McFillin
@DrMcFillin
Your mental health is the consequence of how you respond to stress & emotional pain... not the existence of pain. To live is to struggle. Experiencing pain is not a mental illness. Please do not let others convince you otherwise.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
To avoid disappointment, take people exactly as they are, rather than romanticizing about what you wish they would be.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
Being in a healthy relationship truly taught me there isn't any such thing as "that's just the way I am". When you truly love someone you work on those toxic traits, you learn to communicate, you actively listen to each others thoughts & feelings – you learn, grow & heal together
reggie mills
@MillsReggie
Wasting somebody’s time may be the highest form of disrespect
James Barnes
@psychgeist52
If talking about 'madness' as meaningful, purposeful - ultimately functional - is 'antipsychiatry,' then psychiatry is, indeed fully wedded to the dysfunction model.
And it is just that, a model, and therefore optional.
James Barnes
@psychgeist52
Jan 9
IMO, from a psychodynamic point of view, modern psychiatric categorisation & explanation is a textbook example of intellectualisation as a defence mechanism on a grand scale.
As with all such defence mechanisms, it cannot be seen for what it is while it is in operation.
James Barnes
@psychgeist52
Jan 6
If a person is persistently contemptuous and demeaning, it is not only a sign of abusive tendencies, but also a sign that the issue rests much more with themselves than with those on the other end of it.
Mental health professionals are no exception.
Philosophy Of Life
@PhilOfLife_
Avoiding people who lower your vibe is self care.
⋆
@lowkeyalbert
my intentions are always pure so yes i do deserve the best
thatgirl.
@itsdeara
i literally cut off everything that forces me to be aggressive, mean, closed off.. because that’s not me! Instead of having to be a certain way because of a person just cut them tf off.
Nk
@EthanHyenah
Personally, I just wanna enjoy my life this year. No more survival mode
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Dec 3, 2023
You are worth the effort it takes to see you, hear you, acknowledge your needs, & honor your story.
You are as worth the effort as any human being ever has been. I swear you are.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
Perpetrators of coercive control are not looking to create family by having children; they are looking to create weapons to further entrap the targeted victim. They are not parents, certainly not partners. They are perpetrators. I pray for the day when the law can understand 1/
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
Jan 8
Part of why cognitive behavioral therapy doesn’t work for trauma survivors is because how can we help anyone stop catastrophizing when the LITERAL worst-case-scenario is stored in their mind body and brains?
@drjenwolkin
Wisterian Woman
@WisterianWoman
💯 CBT was a waste of 10 years for me. It only taught me how to intellectualize my feelings deeper. I'm sure it works for some but I think it did more harm than good for me. It made me think I was doing everything I could to get help, and that it still wasn't enough.
Eva Katz
@EvaKatz_
Jan 9
Survivors have usually had the abuse they experienced minimised and denied by their families, society and sometimes mental health professionals, so validation & acknowledgment of what happened is key to their recovery (and CBT/ NLP can feel invalidating and re-traumatising).
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Complex PTSD is not just about things that happened in childhood.
It's also the experience of having lived w/ those symptoms & struggles for years.
Living w/ trama IS a trauma.
sad
@lonesfeels
stop being okay with the bare minimum and start having standards again
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Their denial of your experience & their minimization of your feelings has NOTHING to do w/ the reality or validity of either your experience or your feelings.
It has everything to do w/ their comfort zone-- which is not a tool of YOUR recovery.
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
Narcissists use of projection rears its ugly head when their narcissistic rage is triggered, otherwise they're in manipulation mode.
Their vile, contemptuous dehumanization of others reflects their own self hatred, otherwise it wouldn't be projected.
Simple as that
They are revealing who they are, not who they're psychologically abusing.
Psychological violence is no different than physical violence.
One attacks the body, while the other attacks a soul
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
Trauma makes you tolerate a lot of shit because you don't want to lose people. Healing makes you realize that some people don't belong in your life no matter how much you love them.
sad
@lonesfeels
my unhealthy defense mechanism is to shut down and stop talking if i feel like i'm being misunderstood or disrespected. i hate repeating myself time and time again for nothing to change its exhausting
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
“But they’re your family” is not a tool for healing trauma.
feelings დ
@eternaltxts
communication is never hard for someone who actually wants you
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
Jan 8
Healing your childhood wounds so you don’t project them onto a current relational dynamic is a fierce act of self-care.
@drjenwolkin
sad
@lonesfeels
you ever treat someone right from the start just to get left looking stupid
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
Narcissists can never see the truth in people because they don't have the empathy required to do so
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
"You're an adult, so you 'should' be able to handle it, & there's something wrong/immature/broken about you if you can't" has kept THOUSANDS of survivors, who otherwise COULD recover & reshape their lives, OUT of recovery.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
Most people aren’t faking sick.
They are faking well.
Society perpetuates all kinds of masking.
Let’s normalize being a society in which NO one has to pretend they’re “fine.” -Dr. Jen
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
So much of the general public doesn't understand narcissistic abuse because they have not experienced what it's like to be violated on that kind of intimate personal level, and over a period of time creates the most intense fear. Psychological mind fuckery that takes your whole nervous system and turns it upside down.. it makes you feel helpless and hopeless. It hijacks your life.
It's serious, and those who experienced horrific abuse want the world to understand and hear their voices
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
Children whose needs weren’t met, or even taken seriously, become adults who are afraid they’re being needy when asking for healthy connection.
This leads to adults who keep themselves independent.
Stay gentle with this part, + remind it how human it is to want to connect. -Dr. Jen
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
You are not crazy. You are being bullied.... It's not your fault.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
Trauma CAN make us stronger, + post traumatic growth is a very real phenomenon.
However, we didn’t go through heinous experiences to MAKE us stronger or to form into who we are.
There’s NO good reason for trauma, + it’s certainly not a blessing in disguise. -Dr. Jen
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
When it comes to narcissists, I no longer will ever refer to them in terms of relationship.
I call it involvement because there was never a relationship there
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
People don't change. They just reveal who they really are.
Decoding Narcissism
@FRibersson
If someone escaped from a cult, would you expect them to be fully functional the next day? Or would they need time to rebuild themselves?
Escaping from a narcissist is not that different.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
The psychotherapy profession has a long history of blaming patients who're struggling in therapy for "not REALLY wanting to change, deep down." It's a relic of psychoanalytic ideas about unconscious self-sabotage.
It's also demeaning & the opposite of a trauma-informed approach.
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
There is no excuse for abuse
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
You can look out for someone 1000% and they will still put you after people who have never done a thing for them.
Diagnostic criteria were not made for you and me. They're made for researchers. They have no interest in why things happen the way they do.
YT Defining Features of ADHD That Everyone Overlooks: RSD, Hyperarousal, More (w/ Dr. William Dodson)
https://youtube.com/watch?v=vycWIzURgZM
megan
@writemeganwrite
sometimes healing & recovery is really lonely. I know. it’s worth it. 🖤
Vala Afshar
@ValaAfshar
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.
―Albert Einstein #WEF24
Leonardo Da Vinci | Painter & Architect 🎨
@LeonardoQuot
“All sciences are vain and full of errors that are not born of Experience, the mother of all Knowledge.”
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
A narcissist’s ‘love’ is conditional.
It’s based on your usefulness and how well you tolerate abuse. The more disagreeable you are, the more their mask will slip.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
Why do victims of abuse and trauma feel shame? Because we’ve literally made the word ‘ victim’ into derogatory word.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Let's say for a second that we COULD just "let our trauma go"-- for many complex trauma survivors, our trauma was entwined w/ our most important relationships over most of our lives.
"Letting it go" would require a complete memory wipe. It's just not that simple.
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
Emotionally vibrating in the presence of narcissistic energy is normal..this is how you know who you're dealing with.
That feeling is an alarm bell going off inside you
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
People who play roles will eventually forget their lines. Pay attention.
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
Being comfortable with being misunderstood really changes the game for you.
Narcopath Info
@Narcopath_UK
Malignant narcissists a.k.a narcissistic psychopaths are not the strategic geniuses people make them out to be.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
It is extremely common if you didn’t even know what was happening to you was considered abuse. Why? Because society normalizes and excuses abuse every day.
Inner Practitioner
@MindTendencies2
Manipulation is when they try to make you feel like you are the problem by focusing on your negative reaction instead of their disrespect.
PC🧞♂️
@_prolumchild_
If people are always trying to destroy you, chances are you’re more powerful than you may even be aware of.
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
Things are never as they seem
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
What they don't understand is, our trauma responses ARE our nervous system TRYING to "move on" & "let go." Fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flop? That's our nervous system trying like hell NOT to experience it again. We're hyperviglant because we WANT to stay the hell away from it.
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
A narcissist will present the most polished front to hide the most heinous intentions
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
“He has no power over me anymore.”
The goal is for every abused and traumatized person to be able to say that. Too often though, the systems we have in place do the exact opposite and give the perpetrators more power.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Advocating for yourself is never " being difficult." Your feelings are allowed to be complicated. You're allowed to change your mind, disagree, express discomfort and not always be "totally chilled" about everything. It's okay... Life is messy sometimes. Speak up.
Natasha Carter
@NatashaCL7
Some people are not put here to evolve, they are here to remind us what it looks like if we don’t.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
When you choose peace, it comes with a lot of goodbyes, and hellos.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
There’s no one right way to heal. Survivors get to be in charge of their healing. Support the survivor by honoring and trusting their decisions.
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness
@AwareOfTheNarc
When a narcissist says ‘get over it', it’s because your feelings mean nothing to them. If it's not about them, they're not interested.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
what if there was nothing to forgive....perpetrators of coercive control are really good at what they do. the only one to hold accountable is the perpetrator.
SHAM 🖤
@BbyGirl_Sham
I’m completely fine with people having the wrong perception of me and who I am. When you have a strong sense of self nothing anybody says will affect that.
Crzy
@Crzy_89
Your story of me is just that, a story.
You didn't feel what my heart felt or go through the internal fires within my mind. You didn't battle with yourself to find out the truth of who I really am within. You didn't experience the same life that I did and overcome those challenges or burdens. You didn't walk through those fires to find my strength or build my character.
And now that I am finally happy loving myself for getting through my story thus far, you think I'm going to allow your story to overwrite mine over one encounter with me?
🌸 GODDESS 🌸
@saharxgoddess
People fail to realize that for someone to be extremely sweet, the opposite must also exist. Tread lightly.
bhavjot ✨(puv-jo-tuh)
@LightofEmotion
A healer will trigger you. It’s inevitable. that’s their purpose, to trigger you into healing. To trigger your wounds to surface. To trigger you to face your own darkness. To trigger you into accepting, integrating, & loving your shadow. To trigger you to grow & evolve into your highest self. Doesn’t mean they’re bringing out the worst in you. On the contrary, they’re bringing you closer to the best in you. Intention & energy matter.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Our commitment to self-love & self-respect isn't gonna be tested on days when we like or approve of ourselves.
It'll be tested on those days when we're ashamed & frustrated w/ ourselves-- & Trauma Brain tries to get us to kick ourselves like our bullies & abusers used to.
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
The most damaging yet common experiences of why people isolate after experiencing trauma:
1). They weren't believed when they spoke up.
2). People openly protected/befriended their perpetrator.
You weren't meant to say it differently. They were meant to respond differently.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
When you tell a narcissist their behavior has harmed you, they will blame you.
☮︎ คкгเzzค 𓃠
@imbuenooo
So being “high vibrational” means you shouldn’t call people out on their bullshit? Because doing so is apparently “low vibrational”. I’m confused.
Sonur Guðs 🌞
@BrynjarO
They use everything we do right against us. Its twisted fr
☮︎ คкгเzzค 𓃠
@imbuenooo
Yes, we are each others’ reflections. That being said, loving them is also pointing out their bullshit in a kind way, which then helps them see themselves, specially if they have hard time doing so. Ignoring a problem when you can do something about it is also being part of it.
Lord Steve Hamilton
@cqshami11
I disagree
People continue to treat others poorly because nobody ever calls them out
So I see it as part light work to call out other poor behavior so maybe the next person they meet will be treated better
It's a public service
Ν𝔞𝔯𝔞 V🕊⋄ ⋄ ◌ 𓆚𓁑𓆃
@naravv__
Nope, calling someone out on their bullshit is you being authentic & authenticity is the highest vibration there is.
✨KatieErin🔺✨
@KatieerinxX
Wrong, if someone is doing something wrong it’s everyone’s duty to hold that person accountable for the betterment. Being offended means they have work to do. It’s not low vibration to facilitate healing.
Blue
@blue108801
lol that’s a load of crap, just be kind while you are compassionately confronting 💙
Arch∆ngel Royal
@ArchangelRoyal1
Narcs think we have to be passive, being enlightened is taken out of context, we’re not obligated to take anyone’s sh*t
Kirsten Mustain
@wanderawake
The narcissist's definition of "high vibrational" is not calling people on their shit. Calling people on their shit is actually quite high vibrational.
☮︎ คкгเzzค 𓃠
@imbuenooo
Jan 17
I’ve learned that no matter what you do, good or bad, people will always have something to say. No matter what you say, good or bad, people will always have something to say. This is teaching me to simply not give a fuck anymore. In a healthy way.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Complex trauma survivors have almost all been subjected to some version of brainwashing (nope, not an exaggeration)-- & it can make any whiff of mindless or coercive "group think" triggering as hell.
Max ⛅
@maxisawesome538
become immune to embarrassment
Jacy, LPC
@ATMwithJacy
Please don’t fault me for not showing up to places I didn’t feel reciprocated energy in.
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch up to you.
Dr. Jessica Taylor
@DrJessTaylor
You being subjected to trauma was out of your control.
You subjecting others to trauma is totally in your control.
Trauma and abusive pasts DO NOT cause, explain or excuse harm caused to others. Ever.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
Everyone wants to talk about healing trauma but not about holding the perpetrators accountable that caused the trauma.
Dr. Jessica Taylor
@DrJessTaylor
Pathologising trauma as ‘PTSD’ - post traumatic stress DISORDER means it is conceptualised as disordered responses and thinking.
This is why I propose we use ‘PTS - Post Traumatic Stress’ or, I prefer ‘PTR - Post Traumatic Responses’
If the trauma is ongoing and not ‘post’ it could just be ‘TR - Trauma Responses’
Eyal Gur
@bonkers570
Psychiatry is Dr Mengele level of torture.
Handing out psychiatric poisons, lying about their names, poisoning millions of people, ruining their quality of life completely, disabling them, stripping them of their life completely
Michael Langston
@911poet
Psychiatrists know nothing about the alleged biological causes of mental disorders, nor how to fix them.
Tics n Tatts
@TicsnTatts
Neurotypical’s to autistic kids:
“What’s wrong with you? Stop being weird!”
“You need to change everything about how you socialise.”
“Smile more!”
Neurotypical’s to autistic adults who mask:
“You look normal to me! There’s no way you’re autistic.”
(19.1.2024)
From my perspective of social anxiety - it appears as if "non scared" people who are confident and who do not have outward social anxiety issues - that they are leading a better life and better lives that the one is filtered through social anxiety trauma.
As if confident people and those who act confident have magical carpets on which they float around, or they have millions of super close network of friends and magical material things. In reality - non socially anxious people have the same resources available as we have with our social anxiety shyness phobia fears panic trauma that goes around our complex trauma and worries.
Anything better that may appear - is costly. And resources are limiting. Someone who does not struggle with anxieties and panic and trauma - do worry about finances and how much they spend, they are not care free. They have new anxieties and panic and trauma related to their activities and people they encounter once they are more active than someone who is socially anxious. This is what I wrote about preparadness paradox. Being prepared is not 100% bad - it has good and positive outcomes/benefits to be careful and pay more detail on safety, such as to avoid accidents and to preserve energy and money.
When I started to write these blogs about social anxiety - I did it because it helps me record my fears - which are hard to catch and describe. It helps to write town the trauma because it looks less threatening and it helps me to remember that when I am in panic anxiety mode - that it is not something new. It is something that I have mapped and I know how it starts and how it ends - without this information panic appears as if it will never end.
Well, what I realized with IFS Model and complex trauma - that all those mysterious, random panic thoughts and beliefs have the same source. It appears as if anxiety and panic appear out of nowhere and there is no reason and that I really cannot do anything about it, I cannot handle it. In reality - all anxiety panic and fears stem from toxic shame. Any social anxiety disturbance stems from toxic shame.
All the triggers - they appear random, are rooted in toxic shame. However due to panic and lack of education about psychology - it is very easy to become preocuppied with wrong explanations, wrong "medicine" - and this is what I experienced with tyranny of self-help books and CBT and online articles and you tube videos. All the wrong explanations which were presented as ultimate explanations - did nothing at all. And in fact - wrong explanations solidified the beliefs that I am victim and I can't do anything and that I must become codependent on other people to offer me guidance.
Problem with wrong explanations, wrong help, wrong instruction is - that we end up chasing wrong trails. We end up in a maize - in a labyrinth and wrong description is kinda like hypnosis - since it causes us to lose our focus and mental energy and even money - by chasing ghosts and non important clues- which we become to realize that they are unimportant after huge loss of time and energy. When we are in toxic ambient - psyhopaths and narcissists are giving us bone to chew - like blame, blame shifting, errors nitpickings - when they force us to feel shame and blame for something that we even didn't do. And our ability to invest our time to investigate and spend time shows two things:
1) that we care, we have empathy and we try not to hurt or cause pain by making sure we did follow all the procedure about what we know is correct
and
2) that we have neurodivergent brain - that is investing time to details which other people would not pay attention or notice at all.
With exposure to narcissistic abuse we are exposed to evil and to become evil - because we will be attacked and assaulted all the time. This means - we will start to have inner critic inside us - installed by narcissistic person who is always criticizing - and now we have mechanisms inside us - not one mechanism - that is complaining all the time. And if we ever verbalize and vocalize our fears and panic and emotions and shocks and phobias - we will appear as vulnerable narcissists. Most probably during childhood and adolescence - we were warned and attacked and punished for voicing out what is wrong - and then we started to mask and make our pain functional. But the narcisssim of criticism is still inside us. And that is trauma. The most devastating thing is that we stop talking about the pain - and now the trauma gets festered inside us - because we don't pay attention to hurt and pain.
If we voice out our pain and what is bugging us- we will become complainer.
If we shut up - we are cut off from learning and making difference and making life better - because we are not aware what is painful.
That is why narcissism is black hole - it is cancer - it destroyes healthy tissue and anything we do - will be doomed.
Problem is that pathological liars and psychopaths in power are setting their own definitions of "complainer" and "confronter of issues" and mix them up purposely for agenda of walking away from crime hands free. So the basic issue here is that we believe ourselves. With trauma we don't believe ourselves. We go along with loud person screaming their definitions. We go along with herd mentality - what they define as what is going on - and we fawn and shut up and stop action for the fear of being labeled and stigmatized as difficult person or whatever label they put on us.
Talking about issues appear as complaining - and people will naturally be scared of emotions and handling problems - so we will be blamed and turned off both by psychopaths and general population who is scared of emotions due to patriarchy brainwashing and CBT/DSM pathologizing emotions and issues to be solves.
Without education in trauma and narcissistic abuse - I would often confuse angry and vulgar people with someone who is dangerous. I would not have a word to describe dangerous person as narcissistic and psychopathic - so I was prone to generalize and over-generalize. Which CBT labels as abnormality and hallucination. The only way to fight bias which cognive behavioral therapy labels as cognitive distortions - is education. Listening and understanding. Something that CBT does not have. Narcissists also.
There is a borderline when bad evil person takes off their mask - and then other people realize this other person is really anti-social and someone to avoid. With abuse and exposure to narcissistic abuse - this change in perception is really hard. With abuse I will fawn. I will have hard time to discern someone being evil - even when there are overwhelming evidence to prove it so. I will feel some kind of trauma bonding obligation to serve this person because of history, because they done something nice - as if I must repay them being nice by being faithful until the end of time. I see this as codependency. There is this unknown strong bond and duty to be servile to evil people. This is of course connected with narcissistic and trauma events where I am afraid of what other people will think about me and that they might have bad opinion about me - and that this is catastrophe if they do. So healing social anxiety trauma lies in this process of knowing that this is the core of anxiety: this bonding and duty that I must be good in the eyes of all people, especially evil people - so that no one thinks badly about me - and coming through the conclusions that I am totally fine with being labeled as evil and bad by other people. There is BPD issue of me not knowing that I am totally normal and kind and good - and that my daily actions prove that, that my past is my witness - and that labels cannot ruin this past evidence. This is the core of social anxiety and this trust in myself is being destroyed - and I have no idea that it is destroyed, it is completely outsideof my awareness - and it only comes into focus and on surface through social anxiety panic and fawning.
Another think that comes up to my mind - is after watching the movie Cobra King (2016) - that in social situations - I do not act like I act when I am alone. There is this heavy burden of wearing social mask mixed with social anxiety and trauma and fawning and toxic shame of not tolerating someone thinking badly about me - which is masked and out of my awareness yet it comes into surface as compulsions and unpredictable decisions - like leaving, being quiet, being ashamed. All of these are bad coctail that produces unpredictability in a form of self sabotaging behavior - that troubled me all these years, and which CBT self help industry never explained what is going on. All this coctail of fear, panic, toxic people triggering my panic, fawning and being concerned ho how other think about me without being aware that I am devastated if they don't like me - it is all Quiet BPD.
So obviously - I need to pay attention what I choose in life - and what I pick in life where to go. I need to take into consideration that I will fawn, that there will be trauma and that I will tend to be compulsive about social mask. Without taking these into consideration - I end up with toxic stress and people pleasing and feeling ashamed and guilty and most damaging - with the wrong people being stuck with them.
I talked about ability to let go of moral and ethical standards - which hook us up to seek revenge and hold onto the grudge. This means - that in order to function on this toxic planet - we need to have cartoonish contact with other people - without getting into detail or concern other than surface level. Anything deeper will cause grief, desire to fix other people and control them, being preoccupied with the future and what they think about me.
@gazer
@gazerisk
if only you knew the stuff your prefrontal cortex and reticular activating system keep under wraps just because you subconsciously decided it's not worth your attention
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
Don't let nobody make you feel like you always the problem, manipulation is real.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
If you’re a trauma survivor and haven’t heard this in a while (or ever) I want to remind you:
It’s NOT your fault.
It’s NOT all in your head.
I believe you. -Dr. Jen
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Gaslighting is like fighting a war where the bullies strategy is to convince you that the bullying, mobbing & harassment isn’t actually happening.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
A narcissist will destroy you and then decide how ruined you’re allowed to feel.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
Was their ex really ‘crazy’ or did the narcissist make them crazy?
The Narcissist Box
@NarcissistBox
Narcissistic abuse is like living in a washing machine on the rinse and repeat cycle. What cycle are you in? Love Bomb!💕 💣 Devalue! 👎🏽Discard! 🤕 Repeat! 😳
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Complex trauma develops because our brain & body have to find some way to carry on under conditions where we're dependent upon or cannot escape painful relationships or situations.
To do this we often have to create a public "self" that "functions," while we hide our real self.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
Just because someone keeps you around, doesn't mean they value you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
The hardest battles complex trauma survivors fight, we tend to fight alone. They often occur late at night or in private moments-- moments when we don't have our "resilient" "public" persona turned on.
Many survivors live entire hidden lives that no one else knows about.
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
Validation is sometimes the only evidence a trauma survivor has to believe that what they went through matters.
MJM
@MikeJMele
Sometimes, burning a bridge is necessary because the light from the fire can illuminate a better path.
AimTrue
@AimTrue7
Once you’ve spent time with trauma informed people it can be difficult to engage with those who aren’t
It feels safe and comforting to be around people who understand you and have done or are doing the work to heal.
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness
@AwareOfTheNarc
“Love doesn’t die a natural death. Love has to be killed, either by neglect or narcissism.” – Frank Salvato
Andrew Campbell
@amcampbell84
You can’t fully heal from abuse until you are safe from abuse.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
I don't care what anyone says...Good people get tired of being good to ungrateful people.
Shaun
@SGV_UK
I think the hardest thing with anti-psychotic medication is people can assume your lazy. They don't seem to care to understand the invisible factor that they are tranquillisers.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse.
@CoachElizabethS
narcissists never want to talk about what they did. however, they'll happily exaggerate how you reacted.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Dissociation can feel like floating out of or above your body-- then being slammed right back into it.
Time seeming to stand still-- then losing hours (or days, or weeks) w/o your awareness.
It's so surreal, survivors often keep it to themselves.
We're, uh, "fine." Yeah.
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
Telling the truth to a #narcissist makes you the “bad guy“
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
Oct 11, 2020
One of the most abusive things the sociopath or malignant #Narcissist will do is to play the victim role while making the actual victim look like the perpetrator of the abuse. It’s a double attack. This is a form of “Crazy making” performed by the sickest and most toxic people.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
ADHD isn’t about having a deficit of attention.
It’s about not being able to regulate your attention to sustain it over a certain period, because your brain has trouble
inhibiting distractions.
“Hey look there’s a squirrel” is actually an accurate meme. -Dr. Jen
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
Don't ever let someone make you feel guilty, because they are suffering the consequences of their own actions.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Children are more vulnerable to complex trauma, because children are more vulnerable to everything-- but there are MANY (strong, smart) adults who endure coercive control, spiritual abuse, financial exploitation, & other relationships & situations that create complex trauma.
Dr. Roger McFillin
@DrMcFillin
Prescribing someone a psychiatric drug for grief should be considered a crime against humanity.
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
When a survivor is not believed, they continue to tell their story from a place of defense and needing proof. When they are believed, they are able to tell their story from a present place of pain and sorrow as a way to lessen its impact and eventually heal.
Dr. Roger McFillin
@DrMcFillin
Historically most mental health problems are episodic. Prompted by hardships, loss, relationship difficulties, set backs in life, social problems, response to traumatic experience. Normalize & improve peoples ability to respond to these events. We are now "medicating" this.
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
“I bet they were abused too” does not heal anyone’s abuse.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
The older you get, the more you realize you want a quiet, peaceful life, and the less you want to be around drama, stress, or conflict anymore. You just want a calm cozy home, good food on your table, and to be surrounded by your favourite people.
Chris Palmer, MD
@ChrisPalmerMD
Psychiatric diagnostic labels are often used when we don't know the biological cause of brain symptoms, such as unrelenting depression, ADHD, OCD, or psychosis.
If someone with "schizophrenia" is found to have vitamin B12 deficiency and correcting this makes the symptoms go away, researchers will say the person didn't really have schizophrenia.
If someone with "major depression" is found to have hypothyroidism and correcting this makes the depression go away, researchers will say this person didn't really have major depressive disorder.
Someday, we will be able to find the root cause(s) of everyone's brain symptoms and psychiatric labels will be a thing of the past. After all, they only represent a list of symptoms.
That day should begin soon in my mind.
The first step is to begin looking for the root causes of brain symptoms. We are actually capable of much more than we currently offer people.
We could start with many of the basic mental health assessments that we already do, but add in assessments for insulin resistance, some hormones, some vitamins, inflammatory biomarkers, etc.
907Bex
@907Bex
Also signs of an abuse victim, someone on the spectrum of neurodivergence, or someone with a low stress threshold.
This type of “information” is dangerous and can set a vulnerable people up for persecution and abuse.
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
Not every narcissist is an abuser and not every abuser is a narcissist.
Some narcissists don't have that malicious backbone that comes from also having a dark triad personality.
People need to really understand that it's the malignant and covert narcissists who are dangerous because these narcissists aren't only functioning off narcissism and the personality disorder that goes with it - NPD.
Dark triad narcissists take it a step further when not only do the run on narcissism and carry the personality (NPD) they also have paychopathy and machiavalian features.
Sadists, mysoginists, incels, female ones too, etc.
These narcissists thrive off making others suffer because they equate love with anger and pain, so when they see love it engages their rage and they become physically violent or psychologically violent, wanting to destroy the love in all those they victimize.
These are the monsters.
Most other narcissists pose a greater danger to themselves
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
We don’t need to forgive our perpetrators in order to heal.
We don’t need to forgive our perpetrators in order to heal.
We don’t need to forgive our perpetrators in order to heal.
We don’t need to forgive our perpetrators in order to heal. Dr. Jen
Andrew Campbell
@amcampbell84
When confronted about their abuse, most abusers will deny and deflect.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
"They" are gonna tell you you have an "anger problem"-- when the truth is, being angry about how "they" treated you might be the most healthy, normal human experience possible.
But that kicks open a door "they" really, really need to keep shut.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
Be cautious of people that feel like ‘home’ to you if home wasn’t a safe place for you.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
Covert narcissism is not about personality traits, it’s about tactical choices of perpetrating domestic violence.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Trauma survivors who have been primarily or exclusively motivated by fear of punishment growing up, can struggle w/ motivation later in life in situations where shame, humiliation, or other punishment isn't really on the table.
Our brain just doesn't know what to do w/ that.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
How they treated you is your closure. Accept what they did and move on.
Closure is a scam.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
The world is full of monsters with friendly faces and angels full of scars.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse.
@CoachElizabethS
Them not telling you, or hiding something from you, is just the same as lying.
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness
@AwareOfTheNarc
Stay away from people who can’t take responsibility for their actions and who make you feel bad for being angry at them when they do you wrong.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
Trauma bonding occurs when the person who hurts you is also the one who comforts you.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Signs of a High Soul Vibration:
1. Animals feel safe in your presence.
2. People stare at you in public.
3. Random strangers love to come to you and tell you their stories.
4. You can feel energy shift when you enter a room.
5. You irritate toxic people just by being you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Trauma survivors can struggle to acknowledge a good day-- because in our experience, letting ourselves feel happy or satisfied is just BEGGING the universe to swoop in and kick us in the face.
This makes making progress in trauma recovery...complicated.
Melissa Ross
@melimel813
The most shameful thing I am realizing is how desperate I am to just want to be really loved and what I’ve tolerated for just crumbs. Learning to love myself more makes me need less crumbs
Many self-improvement cult has arisen out of people being told their dysphoric or sad emotions reflected some sort of damage or limitation within them and then they would have these emotions be judged harshly by the other people in the so-called cult. As a general rule, it is useful – emotions are useful because they are messengers. In most cases, not all, emotions pass. But we need to heed our emotions as messengers and signals that they are.
🟥 DoctorRamani
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
Just because I do not require much, does not mean I deserve the bare minimum.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
There’s no shame in being a victim - there is in being a perpetrator.
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
No one should have an opinion about how long a person should be hurt over trauma they didn’t ask for.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
I don’t believe there is a ‘last stage of healing’. As
@CandaceLightner
says there’s the beginning, the middle and the rest of your life. There’s no one right way to do any of that. You’re the expert in your experience and your healing.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
Never disrespect yourself by begging anybody for bare minimum. You will never have to ask the right person for attention, time, respect, loyalty, or love. Because you're worth it and you deserve it. If someone can't see the value in giving you that – don’t try to convince them.
-
How psychopaths read people?
Psychopaths have very high cognitive empathy so they will observe your facial expressions, body language and tone of voice when your telling them something or your thinking or feeling something.17. srp 2018.
How are psychopaths so good at reading people and recognizing the ...
(quora)
-
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
A narcissist will attack you verbally or physically when they feel threatened, under appreciated or mistreated.
This is called narcissistic rage.
When in this state, they feel incredibly angry and justified in destroying you.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
Survivors are held to an extreme standard of perfection while perpetrators are given every excuse and benefit of the doubt.
#respectsurvivors
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
Survivors don’t ’play the victim’ because they ARE the victim. They are having normal, natural reactions to the abuse and trauma that they endured. If you understood the crime you, would understand their trauma. They need support, not self-righteous judgements. #respectsurvivors
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
Coercive Control is a singular course of conduct crime that just so happens to start with a kiss. The perpetrator is calculated in their tactical choices. From this perspective, marriage, prenups, pregnancies...are all tactics of control...not love.
Candace D.
@DiaryofaSickGrl
Ableism is the assumption that anyone can do anything as long as they put their mind to it. Many people have very real limitations.
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
Trauma makes you tolerate a lot of shit, and healing makes you realize what you tolerated.
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness
@AwareOfTheNarc
A conversation about how you feel is not supposed to end in an argument.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
The right people feel different to your nervous system.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
“Your light may irritate a lot of unhealed people” …or your self righteousness may irritate everyone.
Please stop using ‘healing messages’ to pit survivors against each other.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Acknowledging what we're struggling w/ is not "blaming" anything on trauma. Trauma recovery isn't about "blame" anyway. It's about developing ways of remembering & relating to our past that don't make us wanna burn our present & future to the ground.
Easy does it.
Andrew Campbell
@amcampbell84
Abuse is NEVER justifiable, excusable, or acceptable.
ALONE
@lonesfeels
when u realize you’ve never been put first ur whole life, you’re just the person who fills the void in people’s lives until they don’t need u anymore and u just have to accept it.
🌟Cheshire Cat ᓚᘏᗢ,
@autismsupsoc
Autistic Masking for many is largely unintentional.
You start as an Autistic baby and you perceive ~90%+ of your peers projecting Allistic norms and it shapes your behavior … but it doesn’t change your nature.
By the time you are an adult you have no idea who you really are.
ALONE
@lonesfeels
"communication is key" but so is a sense of understanding. if i tell you something and ur not willing to see where i'm coming from, then what's the point of telling u anything
Carl Quintanilla
@carlquintanilla
·
3h
“Superstition” hits #1 today in 1973.
“I didn’t believe in the different things people say about breaking glasses or the number 13 is bad luck,” Stevie said. “And to those, I said, ‘When you believe in things you don’t understand, then you suffer.’” 🔥
illuminatibot
@iluminatibot
The system isn't broken. It is working exactly as intended.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
A liar will harass you for knowing the truth.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
Who you are under a campaign of coercive control is not who you are nor who you will become.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Learn to be done. Not mad, not bothered, just done.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
Sometimes good people make bad choices. it doesn't mean they are bad people, it means they're human.
Andrew Campbell
@amcampbell84
Turning a blind eye to abuse is the same as telling the abuser, “carry on”.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
I prefer to be alone than be around fake company.
The Narcissist Box
@NarcissistBox
Coercive control is characterized by any pattern of behavior that isolates, dominates, controls, or deprives the survivor of basic rights and liberty. #Narcissist
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
Being toxic isn't cute. Grow up and check yourself. Learn how to love and communicate correctly.
You Might Be Autistic
@mightbeautistic
What’s it called when Autistic people use personal experience to illustrate things or show compassion. Like what’s the scientific way of talking about that?
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
A painful event becomes a traumatic event when an innocent person is told it was their fault.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
It's not that leaving is a bad idea. It's that leaving without a safety net isn't realistic or empathetic.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
Misconception- Abuse victims are bad at choosing partners or did something to deserve the abuse.
Truth- Abusers are manipulatively astute. They groom and condition their victims from day one.
Words Finally Spoken, Peace for 🇺🇦
@FinallyWords
Abusers tell you in their own ugly little ways that they won't stop abusing you. When they do something horrible to you, then play the victim, take that as a sign. Get the hell away from them. They won't stop abusing you.
Inner Practitioner
@MindTendencies2
Manipulation is when they're okay with the way they treated you but not okay with you treating them the same way.
The Narcissist Box
@NarcissistBox
Gathering evidence is a critical step in proving narcissistic abuse.
While tangible evidence may be limited, documenting instances of abuse can still be powerful.
Keep a detailed journal of incidents, recording dates, times, and descriptions of abusive behaviours.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Normal, healthy and happy individuals don't go around destroying others, they just don't.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Don't even try to lie to a intuitive Empath.. You'll be embarrassing yourself. They know the game before it's even played.
Living with Trauma & Dissociation
@RhiaCrewe
💜 Emotional abuse is so hard to recover from. 💜
#watchyourmouth #emotionalabuse
Lee Hammock
@mentalhealness
You don’t really know someone until you see them ANGRY
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
There is constant criticism that survivors should not hurt as much or should handle their hurt better. These messages come from people with no awareness of what trauma does. To know the depths of complex trauma is to not have the energy to judge how someone else survives theirs.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
We can learn and know everything there is to learn & know about trauma-- but until we commit to not attacking ourselves, not abandoning ourselves, not talking to ourselves like our abusers & bullies did, our trauma recovery's gonna stall.
Ask me how I know.
I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you. - Nietzsche
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
You are not responsible for anyone's distorted perception of you.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
It's super common for anxious trauma survivors to struggle to answer the phone, check voicemail, check email (or work email, at any rate), & check snail mail-- & it's super common to assume you're the only adult who struggles w/ such "easy" "adulting" tasks.
But-- you're not.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
Don’t tell someone how ‘easy’ it is to leave an abusive relationship if you’ve never been in one.
DB Martin
@DBMartin
Yeah, that's code for "I really don't care about your well being, I just like to watch myself talk."
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
You don't have to defend yourself or argue with those who don't believe you.
God saw it all...
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
#Narcissists aim to convince you that you DESERVE being abused.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
The narcissistic abuse paradigm locates the conversation in the context of relationships. The coercive control paradigm locates the conversation in the context of criminal behavior. Coercive Control is not a relationship with problems; it is an assault from day one.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Why does the fact that many trauma survivors have had their trauma responses misattributed to mental illnesses like bipolar disorder have to spill over into “mental illness doesn’t exist” or “trauma is overhyped?”
F*cking internet.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
Let’s stop glorifying burnt-out, and dysregulated nervous systems, and instead start promoting balance and rest without calling people lazy. -Dr. Jen
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Growing up, many trauma survivors were presented w/ a choice: we could either have boundaries, or we could have attachment. Both couldn't exist in our families of origin.
The fact that we "chose" attachment was a survival call-- which we couldn't realistically make differently.
Jacy, LPC
@ATMwithJacy
Jan 28
Act weird over something minor I move on out your way. Simple. Peacefully& silently.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Sometimes it's not the people that change, it's the mask that falls off.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
Normalize not oversharing. Everyone is not your friend.
Victoria
@Vicky
What's for you won't lower your vibration
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
The tactics of coercive control when perpetrated skillfully create power imbalances and vulnerabilities where none may have previously existed. Isolation, induced dependency, abuse-induced attachment (aka trauma bond) are calculated efforts to create a power imbalance.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
that you feel empathy or 'love' for the person who is abusing you is the result of tactics of abuse
DystopianMagic
@DystopianMagic
and the way many of us are raised by our families and society, beginning in childhood/elementary school where when a kid is abused/attacked and they defend themselves everyone, meaning the adults rally to defend the attacker. Worse if parents forced the kid to apologize
Miss Interpretation
@lilosmi
I wouldn’t say I’ve “mastered” remaining calm in any situation, but I have most definitely mastered my ability to recognize where and when and WHY I’m likely to NOT remain calm. (I am only in control of myself, not the rest of the world) ☺️👌❣️
Dr. Bob Beare
@DrBobBeare
Learning to release old pain and express authentic emotion - brings a genuine calm.
Jacy, LPC
@ATMwithJacy
NEVER go back to a situation you prayed your way out of.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
Healing is not linear. Having rough days is part of the healing.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse.
@CoachElizabethS
Narcissist personality disorder, where the narcissist believes they're the victim, while their victims get blamed and end up in therapy.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
Feb 1
Normalize…
LESS “why can’t you calm down?”
and
MORE “how can I best support you?” -Dr. Jen
Jacy, LPC
@ATMwithJacy
I’m not intimidated by anyone and honestly that has kept me from being able to do a LOT in life! People want you to be fearful of them when they’re in positions of power.
🔥 ꊰꋪꏂꆰ꒤ꏂꋊꉔꌦ 𝟸𝟺 💧
@frequency_24
please overuse your intelligence.
It’s sexy as fuck.
Dr. Bob Beare
@DrBobBeare
Sometimes anger gives us a strength we need to get to the grief
Victoria
@Vicky
If someone insults you, they're insulting themselves
Jacy, LPC
@ATMwithJacy
You don’t have to stay friends with people that don’t treat you well. That’s not loyalty.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
No survivor is trying to "live in the past." Not one.
All these trauma responses are about trying to keep us as far AWAY from our memories of & feelings about the past as possible.
If trauma survivors could erase the past like shaking an Etch-a-Sketch, we would. We often try.
How self-deceptive are you?
Answer the following on a seven-point scale, with 1 being “not true,” 4 being “somewhat true,” and 7 being “very true”:
My first impressions are always right.
I don’t care to know what other people really think of me.
Once I’ve made up my mind, other people can seldom change my opinion.
I am fully in control of my own fate.
I never regret my decisions.
I am a completely rational person.
I am very confident of my judgments.
For each question, give yourself one point for answering 6 or 7. The higher your score, the more self-deceptive you tend to be.
https://www.thezag.com/stop-self-justifying-lies-excuses/
Self-love is the only reliable guide. It is the only reliable compass. Experience is very problematic. The vast majority of experience comes too late. When we finally get the experience, the lessons of experience can no longer be implemented. 99% of time you cannot implement many things you learned in your life from your experience. Experience teaches you about the past. Very few can be implemented in future – old age, lost opportunities.
🟥 Love Yourself:
Prof. Sam Vaknin
Jordan Peterson is just one of many of people who pose as gurus and public intellectuals and philosophers and psychologists, mystics, and yogis and you name it, coaches – these people claim to have come across a magic formula which if implemented would alchemically transform you into different person. And that is what they're selling: the transformation. “If you follow these 12 rules you will be a different person and get beautiful girls, get rich”.
🟥 Professor Vaknin
YT "All Your Answers Questioned: Wild Ride with Professor Vaknin"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwaZkD4XFnE
The Wily Survivor
@WilySurvivor
You must factor in the safety of the victim/survivor and the safety of any children involved. You have to understand the trauma bond, the v/s’s culture, and also take into consideration post-separation abuse, which may be worse than the original abuse. Additionally,
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
You can’t have peace with a narcissist.
They will do whatever toxic behavior is necessary to keep the focus on them.
Dr. Jessica Taylor
@DrJessTaylor
Why do victims seem to make us more uncomfortable than perpetrators?
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Many trauma survivors feel sh*tty & guilty for setting boundaries-- right up until we're able to shift the meaning we associate w/ "boundaries" from "'I'm cruelly/unfairly shutting someone out" to "I'm compassionately & bravely protecting my body, emotions, & recovery."
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Going "no contact" can be complicated & unexpectedly isolating for many trauma survivors-- because not only are we avoiding the family member we've set that limit w/, but we also tend to avoid family members &/or friends who will ask about them or about what happened.
The Njonj (glasa za RF)
Ne kužim šta ovi antikomunisti koji mi dođu pod objave misle postić, preobratit me? Bitch bio sam anarhist cijeli život dok nisam shvatio da stoka poštuje samo ono čega se ima razloga bojat.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
If you want to see the true measure of a person, watch how they treat their inferior, not their equivalent.
You are not ever going to have a secure healthy relationship with someone who needs you to be perfect in order to love you. That is not love. That is transactional relating. Which if we struggle with toxic shame and limerence might look indistinguishable from love to us. That's something to be really diligent about keeping in mind.
There are no perfect people in reality. Are you idealizing their flaws.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uUgO-qm0J8
We are mistaking perfect person not expressing their needs for them not having any and then we're assuming they are so fine and so strong and so self-regulated that they will be available to meet all of our needs and help us heal all of our self-esteem wounds while in reality that is NOT how romantic relationship works. Healthy relationships are about co-regulation, sharing, also bad shameful parts and in progress.
Not holding back significant parts.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uUgO-qm0J8
Bob Golen
@BobGolen
I don't care if your menu options have changed. I'm pushing zero till I get a real human being.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
I often get asked some version of "but there must have been good times too". That's the thing about coercive control...the goal is to entrap, not to chase you away. The strategic use of good times is a tactic meant to bond, bind, confuse and control.
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness
@AwareOfTheNarc
Relationships with narcissists only last for as long as you are willing to put yourself last.
ayeni folorunsho matthew
@folorunshoaye
The number one rule on living with the narcissist is total submission devoid of having your own opinion.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
Why don’t survivors tell? Because they have to immediately prove they aren’t lying. Stop asking why they don’t tell and give them a reason they should.
꧁༺ 𝕁𝕠 ༻꧂
@Its_Jo9
Being your authentic self is the greatest act of rebellion against a society that wants everyone to be the same
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Kindness is a lifestyle.
Narcopath Info
@Narcopath_UK
Equality threatens narcissists' superiority.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Start seeing people as they are, not as you wish they would be.
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
#Narcissists will abuse you and treat you like a worthless object and when you decide you won’t accept that abuse, they get offended at YOU for standing up for yourself and losing respect for them.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
A computer that's overwhelmed w/ inputs, w/o the time or system resources to process them, is gonna freeze up & act "crazy." It's not evidence the computer is faulty. It needs time & resources to process.
A human that is overwhelmed w/ trauma...you get where I'm going w/ this.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
It's not about who wants you, It's about who values and respects you.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
You don't have to defend yourself or argue with those who don't believe you.
God saw it all...
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
You weren’t hard to love, you were getting harder to manipulate.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
It can be both a heartbreak & a relief to realize the abuse & neglect we experienced, wasn't actually about us.
It's a relief to realize we weren't that "bad."
It's a heartbreak to have affirmed for us that we really didn't f*ckin' matter to them.
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
When you are going through hell don't stop and look around.
Dr. Bob Beare
@DrBobBeare
Emotional health is attractive to the emotionally healthy. Shitshow behavior is attractive to people who are still living the shitshow.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Some people only listen to, and believe what they want to hear, the 'truth' to them is irrelevant.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
If you continuously have to tell someone something hurts you over and over again and nothing changes, understand they do not respect you – at all.
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
“They were abused too.”
“Hurt people hurt people.”
“Have you forgiven them?”
“They did the best they could.”
These are toxic and abuser centered responses to a hurt person asking for help. You have to stop defending those who harm if you want to help who they’ve hurt heal.
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
I would feel bad for narcissists if they didn’t take their inner demons out on innocent people. But they do. They’re terribly abusive and destructive to innocent people and humanity. There’s no excuse for that. It’s evil.
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
I fight hard against gaslighters, abusers when the need arises..simple!
I do not tolerate people who bring intentional harm to others, and those who don't like that I stand against that, are the exact people I don't want anywhere near me
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
You deserve a calm love with someone who's your safe space, your bestie, and brings peace to your soul during stressful situations.
Robert Greene
@RobertGreene
When you show yourself to the world and display your talents, you naturally stir all kinds of resentment, envy, and other manifestations of insecurity… you cannot spend your life worrying about the petty feelings of others.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse.
@CoachElizabethS
Distance yourself from those who make you feel responsible for everything they do wrong.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
I'm a big fan of people being exactly who they are.
Lindsay Goodman 🏳️🌈 (she/her)
@thelindsgoodman
Abusive people will pretend to like what you like, have the same hobbies, political beliefs, values, etc. just to give you a false sense of connection with them.
Beware of someone who seems to be JUST like you. Trust me, they're not.
Master 🦋
@master_nobody
If you're not pissing a few people off every now and then, you're doing it wrong.
Embrace nothingness. Nothingness is an anti-dote to narcissism.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dwes1kXq9U8
(8.2.2024)
CBT tells us that we must stop and destroy all negative thoughts and all "distortions". This purge soons end up as Witch hunt - where we forbid ourselves to feel disgust towards toxic people who control and manipulate us. This is where we cut off data and important information to our brain - that we are inside toxic ambient around toxic people.
Without this crucial information - to see who is toxic, why they are toxic, what is actually going on - we are left with suppression mechanisms and denial where we are not aware of reality. This means - we will be prone to repeat compulsions such as memory bias and euphoric recall. We will repeatedly self sabotage ourselves by returning to abusers and never do anything to help ourselves and to make healthier decisions in life by leaving and abandoning the abuse and abusers. What happens next is codependency and parts of ourselves which cannot leave - are left to deal with the abuse - which is blocked from our awareness in the first place.
So our inner parts from childhood are now in charge to handle abusers - which our logic does not see nor comprehent. Our logic will try to stabilize systems by wrong advice - such as moral relativism and negative politeness - which will keep us stuck in toxic ambient more and more. We need to feel the pain- we need to process reality and toxic people - to write it down, to scientifically determine what is happening.
This is how CBT and self help keep us trapped in codependency and abuse.
CBT labels any person seeking help and explanations as someone with disorder. This is how people who seek genuine help are pathologized. People who suffer are exposed to abuse. Abusers do not seek therapy. Narcissists will never admit that they need help and that they are vulnerable - and they will never ever be open to change or modulate or admit own wrongdoing. So any person who is seeking therapy is not crazy nor abnormal - since such person has flexible mind, willing to change and to admit own wrongdoings. Toxic people will never let go off manipulation and control.
I was talking about raising the standards. That we put a price tag on our social anxiety, our preparadness paradox. We invest incredible amount of time, energy, mental focus on danger, catastrophes, intrusive worry, worst case scenario. All of these are highly valuable in stressful jobs and with anyone working as a leader or chief or governing or managing the crowds. This needs to be valued, instead of afraid of and pushed aside.
Putting a price tag on it means cutting off people who do not appreciate it. People who put us down. Before learning about IFS Model and trauma and narcissistic abuse - it never occurred to me that I need to pay attention to validation. It never occurred to me that I can place rules - which popular self help books label as boundaries - such as I only tolerate kind comments, as some people put warning on their channels online. And if someone breaks this rule - that I delete the rude comment. What I have done instead - is I would not delete anything for the sake of democracy and the right of speech and validating other people's pain - so there is a lot of toxic empathy and self invalidation being rationalized and pathologized and basically place other people's needs and wants before my own safety and comfort - without ever realizing that I put myself down. Instead it appeared to me - before learning about trauma - is that I am being noble and fair and good and enlightened. So I picked up a lot of unrelated messages about moral and ethical actions - and adjusted them all to my trauma and trauma responses - so that I keep on people pleasing. Without being aware of what I was really doing. From my limited prospective I was doing the correct thing. And now the question is how much more rules like these I have inside me that I am not aware of at all, which I adapted and I am convinced that they are part of moral and ethical standards - while in reality they are by-product of gaslighting, trauma and basically deception.
Another revelation that I am having is regarding narcissistic abuse. People who invalidate us - they really hate us. They cannot stand anyone. They have mental illness, they mask their disorder and they also mask what they feel and want. And they want to be alone and isolated - and they are with other people only because of the social mask. And then they treat anyone around them as trash - because they mask their abnormality. We get hooked up because we only see the mask. Without learning about narcissistic abuse we have no idea that we are interacting with the mask and what they are speaking is a fantasy and delusion and pathological lying.
Listening to Sam Vaknin and other narcissistic abuse videos - I am starting to realize that there is a confusion and fusion of someone being angry for being in unfair situation - that is mimicking and similar to narcissistic abuse. A person who is attacked by a mob - will react as a narcissist. Any person found in dangerous, threatening situation - will have similar thoughts and reactions as narcissist.
So it is important in social anxiety, from socially anxious perspective - that we deal with the facts and that we document and that we are educated in abuse - so that we can recognize it, so that we know how to describe it. When we deal with manipulators and pathological liars and someone who is highly controlling and malignant - we will tend to blame ourselves due to amount of lies- Our mistakes, flaws, anything unusual about us - will be weaponized against us and made us feel guilt and shame - in order that we shut up and that we drop defenses. Then narcissistic person can freely abuse us and shift blame and project their disorder onto us - when we are censored and made to feel guilty about anything. Without education in dark psychology and methods how narcissists operate - we won't be able to detect it, we won't know what is happening - and our own empathy and moral and ethical standards will be used against ourselves by someone who is predator.
Shadows.
Shadow is as important as is the light. Without mistakes, without flaws, without issues and without problems - we would not have enough data later on. Without the pain - we would ignore someone's words and we would make mistakes and detrimental decisions over and over again. Without the pain from the present and from the past - we would be guided by hallucinations and optimism bias - and this can lead us to unnecessary suffering, much worse than the original pain. Every negative entity is important teacher. The difference is when we learn from it - and when we make better and healthier and saner choices in life - instead of self sabotaging ourselves. Happiness and success in life will not come to us with one time event. It will be embroided with plethora of small choices over long period of time - choices which are wise and based on the truth. When we lack experience in mistakes and pain - we will tend to ignore potential danger and make wrong serious mistakes and wrong choices in life.
Which is connected to the opposite - that our perceptions when traumatized will be guided by overly negative bias - where we will expect danger around the every corner and then decide not to do anything in life, and to be passive. Why bother anyway since every action is pain and mistake and wrong.
I watched Sam Vaknin's video "Embrace Nothingness: Antidote to Narcissism",
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dwes1kXq9U8&list=PLsh_y_ett4o3RTSj7sW28ykk51HfHMNXQ&index=5
that he made in July 2020 coincidently when I had a great revelation about social anxiety. He talks about nothingness among other ideas - he says that we are zero, we are who we are and that we cannot change and that we need to accept ourselves as we are.
And he says that this is anti-dote for narcissism.
I agree with him. Social anxiety is being infected with a virus of narcissism.
Narcissists put us down. There is an invisible mechanism, a see-saw effect. Where we are being belittled and where we experience an attack on our Self through their toxic shaming by nitpicking our flaws, mistakes and any kind of annoyance that some person can invent that bothers them - we will be presented as an enemy that needs correction and scolding. This is how we end up with social anxiety. This social anxiety panic emotions and feelings are narcissistic ones - because we are reacting to narcissistic abuse. Our unconscousness wants to prove us and them that they are not correct in their assertation- and we do not have any other sources to tell us who we are. This happens outside of our awareness- we stay stuck in external referencing of control because toxic shame tells us that fundamentally there is something horribly wrong at our core.
This makes us narcissistic - because now we are forced - due to pathological liars and false narrative to be stuck in shame and blame and guilt about who we are - and we feel as failures. And we cure this shame through people pleasing, fawning, we interpret our panic as proof of us being weak and worthless as we are already accused. And our sense of moral and ethical standards, our Super Ego works over-time to prove ourselves and others that we are okay - through OCD routines, workaholism, improvement and mostly through shame and being silent and obedient and agreeing and having toxic empathy for the abuser, staying with them and being focused on them.
This is narcissistic state - because we hate ourselves, we reject ourselves and we want to be someone else and we feel urge to become someone better, someone who will be lovable and someone who will understand us, and not shame us. Then the only cure is something that does not come to our mind due to society messages and moral and ethical standards - and that is that we realize who we are - that we are nothing. When we are zero - we do not need to defend ourselves with coping mechanisms anymore. And we accept ourselves our base line of who we are - and be in that state - will no longer provide us with panic and search to prove ourselves to abusers and their false accusations which they drop with micro aggressions. Narcissists will push us into belief that we must prove our worth and our value to them and to others. As if we do not have value but this is too shameful to admit. When we accept our deepest self - as nothing - we no longer invest into forced game mind play of proving our worth to professional manipulators and pathological liars. In the end - whether we are worthy or not - it really is none of anyone's business, we are not obligated to write monthly reports about who we are to anyone. Abusers push us into this manic state where we constantly are trying to prove our worth to others. And this is how we end up with toxic shame and panic and trauma - when exposed to this in long term. So I would agree that nothingness is anti-dote to narcissism.
Nothingness is not Ego Death. Ego Death is the result of toxic shame and abuse - when we are exposed to nitpicking and error finger-pointing all the time - that we no longer cannot trust ourselves to be competent. Nothingness means - that we know at the core - there is nothing for narcissists and toxic people. They destroy our Self, we create nothingness out of our Ego, like a holodec or hologram. This nothigness idea from Sam Vaknin is anti-dote - it is polar opposite to narcissistic abuse - where narcissists become holodec to us - since their lying and games are no longer possible to play - since we remove the plateau from their ground. Their seeds of abuse no longer can grow into weed anymore - since there is no ground to grow anymore when we accept our nothingess and ourselves as we are - without any urge to overcompensate ourselves for the sake of proving others that we are worthy enough to live.
"You're replacing manageable problem how to embrace accept life as it is, with an even bigger one. Always prefer what is true to what is working. World is hopeless."
I agree with his assertion that there is no hope- because this is connected to toxic empathy and toxic people intertwine their manipulation and control they latch onto our beliefs about hope. They infect our hope. When we remove hope - we remove narcissists' hooks that they hook onto us like a virus on a cell.
He says that we are not that smart anyway - we won't find solutions. I agree totally. He says that we focus on living. And this aligns with IFS Model - where we listen to our trauamtized parts what they want - and make this our focus so that they stop panicking and living in fear, mortal fear about the future. And these parts are children - they will tell us to focus on child's stuff that we were stopped doing long time ago. And these will bring us happiness, deep calm and surprisingly direction where to go in our adult life - as grown ups. The direction which we could not milk out from our logic at all. It had to come from our heart our core soul deep down -our GPS coordinates inside us. Our logic will come with common sense and herd mentality and groupthink and fitting in into society - where society is often infected with narcissism and prejudice and bias and someone's agenda that makes them rich or powerful but masked as friendliness and supposed care for us.
Nothingness will reverse the narcissistic abuse after-effects- We will stop being defensive. The opposite effect will take place. Our brain will build something from nothing. Now it will have freedom to build in peace. When narcissists put us down and when they attack us - we are in survival mode where we try to build up protection to protect castles in the sky. Since our worth is inside us - it really cannot be damaged by narcissists at all. When we embrace nothingess - they can try to attack us - but there will be nothing to hit. It is like as if they will fist fight the air. When we believe we are protecting something from abusers - we are giving them supply to hurt us - since we create the material that feels heavy as burden. We do not need to prove to narcissists anything. With toxic shame we will feel and believe as if we are under obligation to give evidence to them who we are. This data is our and ours only - it is really none of their business about who we are inside and what landscape we have - we are under no obligation to reveal anything about our inner side. It is the same for material world. It is like as if we have magic wand where we can make our material posession and money to vanish. Now scammers have nothing to steal. Like Smurfs village that has ability to make itself invisible to Gargamel - so he never is able to attack them - since he cannot see the village. In the same manner - it is nothingness that is true cure for narcissistic abuse and their infection of narcissism upon us. We will get initiated into evil - because we will believe that we must prove them our worth and this need to prove ourselves is giving them narcissistic supply - and we become slaves to them in this process of validation and seeking validation from them - which is totally irrelevant. They cannot validate our inner space, this is our domain that is our own and we are under no obligation or duty to explain them who we are and what we are made of.
I would not come up with this on my own. Sam Vaknin is correct - we are too stupid for figuring things out. Problem of course with narcissists is confusion - so it takes time to realize and learn that narcissistic abuse is the problem and even that is going on.
Paradoxically when we embrace nothingess - our Self will come out naturally - since there is no narcissistic abuse that is forcing it out. Our brain is built to build something out of nothing - and it is build to oppose. When we start with nothing - our Self will be without opposition - it will be authentic and true and honest.
"I kept forcing myself into social situations that I wasn’t adequately prepared for and it went horribly wrong every single time. Which
ended up reinforcing more social anxiety in me. "
YT sakalahoch6735
Paradox of social anxiety: When we're feeling anxious, we try to soothe ourselves by saying "You'll be fine", "It's not big deal", "Just get
over it". Which actually not all that soothing. What it does it makes us feel even more anxious. Instead try being actually soothing and
show compassion and understanding for what your are feeling. Feeling anxious is okay. Social situations can bring up anxiety. And
you're not bad or wrong for feeling
The Paradox of Social Anxiety
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/GZCkutb3MXU
Abusive people don't abuse everybody in the same exact way. Toxic narcissistic people like to have good reputations just in case
somebody says bad about them. Narcissistic person is banking on the fact that not everybody has had bad experience with them. So
people who have had bad experience when they tell their story there's always somebody say "They did not treat me that way"
Toxic people don’t treat everyone the exact same way. Everyone doesn’t have bad experiences
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Wakza10eWWE
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
Feb 2
Just a reminder that exposing your abuser for what they did is not a smear campaign.
A smear campaign is when the narcissistic abuser spreads lies about you to sabotage you or to cover up their abuse.
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
And likewise, calling someone out on abusive behavior is not “shaming them”.
#Narcissists will immediately turn to victimhood when called out on their abusive behavior. They may accuse you of “shaming them” to avoid facing their own actions.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Survivors of emotional neglect often feel like ANY sharing of ourselves is "oversharing"-- because we can't possibly imagine a world in which our experiences, either positive or painful, would be anything but a "burden" to someone else.
Thing is, that just isn't true.
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
Malignant #narcissists will use "false equivalencies" as a manipulation and abuse tactic. This is where they distort reality by equating unrelated actions or assigning equal weight to vastly different behaviors. By blurring the lines between unrelated things, they aim to confuse, undermine your perspective, and manipulate your perception of events.
There are so many different possible examples…
1. They may equate your unintentional offense with their deliberately hurtful behavior. I’ve seen this one a lot and it’s particularly offensive.
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
Blurring Context: In an argument, they might bring up an unrelated incident from the past and say, "Just like when you did that, this is the same," conflating two entirely different situations to manipulate the current discussion.
Equalizing Responsibilities: When discussing shared responsibilities, they might say, "You didn't do your part, so I don't need to do mine," equating minor or perceived shortcomings on your end with a refusal to fulfill their own obligations.
Comparing Reactions: They might say, "You overreacted when I criticized you, just like how I felt attacked when you made a simple comment," equating a reasonable response with an exaggerated reaction to avoid accountability for their hurtful behavior.
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
I can’t stress enough how often and how many different ways #narcissists use “false equivalencies” to manipulate and attack people. I see it used regularly. 🧵
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
My side of the story doesn't matter anymore. Life happened, it hurt, I healed, but most importantly I learned who deserves a seat at my table and who will never sit at it again.
The Narcissist Box
@NarcissistBox
Narcissistic abuse is domestic violence when one person in a relationship uses power and control over another for their benefit.✔️🕴️♂️🕴️☠️
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
Feb 9
People who play roles, will eventually forget their lines. Pay attention.
The Narcissist Box
@NarcissistBox
Toxic and abusive relationships overwhelm the nervous system☠️
𝕁𝕠
@Its_Jo9
Feb 9
“It’s taking you a little longer because you aren’t lying, scamming, manipulating, or using people”
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
You don’t owe the narcissist an explanation of why you no longer speak to them.
They are not children.
They are not confused.
They know exactly what they’ve done.
Further communication = more opportunities for them to gaslight and manipulate you.
✂️
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
Feb 10
Stop over explaining your feelings to someone who repeatedly hurts you. They know what they are doing, they just don’t care.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Don't let someone convince you they bullied and harassed you because you lacked skill. The truth is, they bullied you because they lack something within themselves.
Everything
@isjuustadream
Every master was once a disaster
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
The truth will always matter to the right people....
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
Feb 9
It’s tragic how often the empath &/or highly sensitive person is the scapegoat in a toxic family. No one is more willing to help everyone heal, to care for them when they’re hurting, to do what’s needed for the family, than an empathetic child who needs peace for their survival.
情意
@will_from_mars_
Feb 10
you cannot see 5d
you have to feel it
@Ryan_Daigler
The #narcissist is so entitled, they’ll accuse you of “being controlling” for not letting them control you. 🤯
Lauren Houston
@LegalizeItLala_
I couldn’t care less what they think. I guess that means I’m healing.
The Narcissist Box
@NarcissistBox
Narcissistic abuse is a maladaptive form of emotional regulation used by one person to subjugate another.
It is a kind of psycho-emotional abuse that is motivated by one person’s desire to dominate, control, manipulate, and exploit others to affirm their sense of superiority.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Advocating for yourself is never " being difficult." Your feelings are allowed to be complicated. You're allowed to change your mind, disagree, express discomfort and not always be "totally chilled" about everything. It's okay... Life is messy sometimes. Speak up.
Narcopath Info
@Narcopath_UK
Many abusers excel at presenting a charming facade to the outside world while inflicting severe harm on others in private.
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
#Narcissists will take NO responsibility for the pain and damage they cause. NONE. It’s impossible.
Suggesting their responsibility for the pain they cause is the most offensive thing you can propose to them.
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
#Narcissists seem to want to “prove” that you’re no better than they are. So they’ll abuse you and abuse you hoping that eventually you break down and become insensitive and selfish like they are and then they can say, “see? We’re the same.” And that is meant to “justify” their malignant behavior.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
Distance is my new response to disrespect. I don't react, I don't argue, I don’t dive into the drama. I simply remove myself.
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
A traumatized person isn’t living in the past. They’re fully present and aware of the pain their mind and body has carried. That’s why they’re talking about their past. It’s the only way to get free.
Jak Sayers
@JakSayers
If you don't talk about the past, you don't process it. It remains implicit memory, not cognitive, and it bleeds into your life, causing anxiety, depression, faulty thinking, and unstable behaviour.
Jak Sayers
@JakSayers
Feb 11
The root of bullying is its social acceptance. Victims of bullying need to be given the freedom and courage to speak out and fight back without being judged and penalised and belittled.
Jak Sayers
@JakSayers
Feb 3
Positivity can be a cure, or it can be a poison. If it's real, if it's rooted in truth and good behaviour, it's a beautiful thing. If it's an image alone, with no good behaviour or truth behind it, it's a toxic lie that will bury you and your chance for healing.
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
Jan 30
People healing from complex trauma aren’t asking for special treatment, they’re asking for appropriate treatment based on what they’re going through. If you understand what trauma does to a mind & body, you understand how much it hurts to exist when your reality is denied.
Jak Sayers
@JakSayers
Jan 27
Psychiatrists & psychologists, the especially arrogant ones, have never experienced our trauma.
They can't understand what they're looking at. So they just make it up.
They speculate on the spot about symptoms they are completely unqualified to address.
Is this acceptable?
Jak Sayers
@JakSayers
Jan 25
Block whoever you want, whenever you want. No-one has a right to you, but you.
316
@dejeboni
The people who feel threatened by me most are the ones who just know I read and see right through the façade they put on for everyone else
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
I think the coercive control conceptual framework would be enhanced by discussion about the role of narcissism and antisocial tendencies, as well as the role of patriarchy and misogyny. While CC focuses on behaviors, as it should, the pathology concept considers personality traits that are essentially immutable characteristics. It begins to explain how and why an perpetrator parent should never have custody or unsupervised visits with their child. IMO.
Reva Steenbergen
@rms267
If you decide to cut all contact with a narcissist, you must also cut contact with everyone who's directly associated with them.
It doesn't make sense otherwise...
Narcopath Info
@Narcopath_UK
The revelation of psychopathic deceit and the dismantling of a facade is emotionally intense.
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
If it didn’t happen to you, your opinion on how someone else heals from it doesn’t matter.
Galactic Monk
@TheJasonChunLee
There is no way to scientifically prove anyone has Schizophrenia.
Every single psychiatrist will admit this, yet continue to diagnose people as Schizophrenic. 🤦♂️
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
The narcissist is with someone new and seems like an entirely different person.
Have they ‘really’ changed?
No.
A covert narcissist repeatedly reinvents themselves to fit their ‘new’ persona. Narcs change depending on who they are around. Their mask will eventually slip.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Maybe you're not "overreacting" to what just happened. Maybe what just happened is scraping up feelings, memories, & reactions to old stuff you didn't have the safety or language to appropriately react to back then.
Maybe this reaction is actually authentic & overdue.
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
Malignant #narcissists are often more concerned about preventing OTHERS from getting what they want, than they are concerned about getting what they want for THEMSELVES.
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
It’s as if they look to other people to determine what they’re supposed to have or want or enjoy and then are in a constant state of comparison to other people. I’m not sure if they even know what they want for themselves because they are so focused on what other people have. This constant comparison leads to sadism and sadistic acts of sabotage because they feel what they have is proportional to how much less someone else has, whether it’s happiness, or money, or fame, etc.
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
Everyone loves the honest person, until they point out an issue that is dishonest.
Narcopath Info
@Narcopath_UK
Narcissists use victimhood to control people. it's a tool to maintain power and influence over others and to keep people subservient. It's not just about feeling sorry for them.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse.
@CoachElizabethS
A narcissist doesn't change. They just blame everything on everyone else and move on to someone unaware of their manipulation.
☔
@Whotfismick
normalize lying to people who ask you too many questions about your personal life
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Neither trauma therapy nor trauma recovery is particularly about "blame." Most trauma survivors I've met have been utterly uninterested in casting blame-- er, except when we're blaming ourselves, like we were conditioned to. We DO have to dismantle that BS (Belief System).
Dr. Jessica Taylor
@DrJessTaylor
Your abusive partner or ex does not have a mental disorder, they don’t have ‘narcissistic personality disorder’, they don’t need help, they don’t need your understanding or support. You don’t need to help them or fix them.
They are an abuser, and they are 100% responsible for abusing you and others.
"In 'Salo' (1976), sex is nothing but an allegory of the commodification of bodies at the hands of power. I think that consumerism manipulates & violates bodies as much as Nazism did. My film represents this sinister coincidence between Nazism & consumerism."
--- Pasolini
Sartre said the only problem is not knowing who we are. When we don't have clear view of our identity. If we don't have a path. If we don't know where we are going. Not in sense of accomplishment but who we are, the essence. If we don't know who we are – we misrepresent ourselves to ourselves. And then if you are nobody, it's easy to become everyone. It there's nothing there, it's easy to put anything there.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxfRneEDN3w
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
Reframe:
I’m not “too sensitive.”
I’m having an appropriate reaction to f*cked up sh*t. -Dr. Jen
Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.
🟦 Jean-Paul Sartre
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Cruelty stems from weak character.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
They treat you bad because something is wrong with them on the inside, it's not you. Kind and compassionate people don't go around intentionally destroying others, they just don't.
Identical attributes of the victim in reactive abuse as opposed to a secondary psychopath. You can't help but be angry, rageful, negative, apathetic. You dump all of this pain and trauma on perfect strangers, on your family, on your friends, anyone that will listen to your vomit. You deserve to talk but unless you get help you end up pushing away very good helpful healthy people because you are dangerous in this state.
🟥 thespiritualbadass
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/AvblZ94UgME
My argument with so much psychoanalysis is the preconception that suffering is a mistake. Or a sign of weakness. Or a sign even of illness. When in fact, possible the greatest truths we know have come out of people's suffering. That the problem is not to undo suffering or wipe it off from the face of the Earth, but to make it inform our lives. Instead of trying to cure ourselves of it constantly and avoid it, seems to me like controlling man rather than freeing him.
🟦 Arthur Miller (1963)
Jacy, LPC
@ATMwithJacy
Feb 22
Stop giving people the benefit of the doubt. They be lying.
(25.2.2024)
After watching Sam Vaknin videos - I get new ideas about social anxiety that I could not materialize into words before. He talks about groupthink and herd mentality from philosophical stance - and this helps me clarify how this is related to social anxiety.
Like -
I never paid much attention before, how social anxiety is not actually about horrific abusive elements that my trauma screens in front, taking all the screen. Social anxiety is actually about small supposedly irrelevant events that clog up the life events. Such as some person expecting us to forfeit our wants and needs for their wishes. And when we say No to them, they might use narcissistic tools which are not narcissistic - we simply label them as toxic because they are similar to narcissistic abuse. Like calling on our empathy or friendship cards.
And me not seeing that this is related to social anxiety, too - as much as it is mobbing and bullying. It is about finding the right balance of pleasing other people and being true to ourselves. The most healthiest decision would be to be true to our Selves - but in reality this means being isolated and alone. Because I would decline any event - I would not want it. But in the same time - I might go into another extreme - being people pleaser because CBT says that not avoiding is healthy - even if this means sacrificing our moral and ethical compass and safety.
The balance would be putting cards on table - and sometimes in some case giving up and doing what other person expects of us. Without exploitation.
We can handle anxiety and toxic people in two ways:
1) defient
2) submissive.
Both ways are valid and both have good and bad after-effects.
When we are defient - we will build our condfidence, it gives boost to immunity inner health of body. It is also shield from trauma. However in real life - this comes off as being difficult and abusive. We chase people away. We block plethora of good people who appear as toxic to us at certain moment. And we create our own world, it leads to fantasy and delusions and we become unskilled - we never receive feedback so we cannot improve in life. And lastly - we become isolated and alone - since we make ourselves intelligible to others as if we make up our own language and no one can communicate with us. When we are rude and angry - and this comes with the territory of defient - we will ultimately end up isolated and alone, in old age. We will cause other people to develop toxic stress to our stubborness as reaction to our non compromise attitude - which is defience by definition.
On the other hand - being submissive - we keep peace, we do not rock the boat. We probably saved our lives many times in life because we did not trigger mentally ill people out there who mask enough to appear normal to the public while they are in the public. Being safe is good side, being traumatized is bad side.
And this division is black and white thinking. Due to Confirmation Bias we cannot come up with DBT solution - to think in shades of grey. We actually can mix up these two. Depending on the situation and our inctincts and our common sense - to pick when we shut up and when we are "defient".
When we are boundaried up and when we block others - we will live in constant anxiety and fear of being attacked, hypervigilance state. We will waste our energy into the wall. While on the other hand - if we react in defience when necessary - we will free up our resources into building and pleasing ourselves, we will chase our goals in life, projects and doing what we like. With boundaries mindset - we cut off people and ideas from our lives thinking we are being safe.
In the end - if we are in war preparedness - this is a sign that there is a Trojan Horse inside our ambient which is pushing us to be on edge all the time. This virus needs to be recognized and extracted and we will need to learn from it - so that we know in the future - that we do not get exploited so easily and learn how to become resilient to it - and learn why we are not resilient now - what compels us to be without immunity. So instead of cutting our arm off or lobotomizing ourselves - intelligent way is learning from mistakes and flaws.
In real life situations - most conflicts are easily resolves with talking. When we are in mindset of anger, grudge - defience - we add more to drama unnecessarily - making problems which could easily be resolved with talking and listening. Most people lack social skills and vocabulary to verbalize their problems and needs - and instead they throw temper tantrums and are stubborn. Adding more hysteria on people who lack IQ would be unnecessary - totally easily avoidable, if we only shut up and see what is going on. Yet psychopaths and sociopaths live for such common situations and they exploit our ability to shut up - to make us censored and afraid.
I noticed that the most devastating effect of trauma and abuse and bullying and being trapped in survival mode is Negative Politeness. It is inability to speak up, speak out the truth for the fear of harming someone's feelings and fear of disturbing someone's sentinents. When people done us wrong and accuse us of untrue objections which with time turned to be wrong - I will not say that I demand apology from them. I do not want to rock the boat. This idea that other people own us something is totally outside of awareness - as option it cannot become idea to become into fruition.
Sam Vaknin's Nothingness concept works for social anxiety because right in the moment when social anxiety is triggered we do not know that we are triggered, and we are caught unguarded. Which pulls us to become guarded through avoidance and worry. Narcissists never attack someone who can harm them. They always evaluate the target - they see that the person whom they are about to abuse is good, kind hearted and situations is always in some kind of power over the target. So when the abuse happens, it is already too late. Any kind of reaction to narcissistic abuse is doomed for anxiety. Except for Nothigness - this is where we keep our Self, our dignity and where the abuser no longer exists for us, we discard him not in a way to react - but as if he never existed. This way we do not worry anymore. With social anxiety we will worry. We will worry how we appear, we will worry not to appear weak. We will be ashamed for being abused, for other people seeing us abused, being powerless. If we do take some action we will come out as hysterical and unreasonable and abusive and weak.
After being exposed to information in video "Narcissists, Eternal Victims, Trauma, Psychosis: Splitting the Inner Dialog" - there is more of insight from Prof. Sam Vaknin -that relates to social anxiety. He talks about tendency for personal victimhood that even has acronym TIV, and it describes the RSD and Quiet BPD and Social anxiety perfectly. He says that victim becomes narcissistic - and the world appears as abusive. This is what CBT is telling but without explanation about narcissistic abuse - so CBT appears insulting. Abuse is not hallucination. The problem is when we are exposed to ACoA and ACE - we end up with operant condiotioning - and this victimhood is a part of this conditioning. We start to think like abusers -because we were exposed to their ideas and fears and punishments all the time - so we are entrained to repeat and copy their sick mind and abnormal ideas - without being aware that we are infected with their mental illness ideas - that were forced into our thinking in early age when our mind was molding and becoming and growing and evolving, was getting shaped. And we end up with "eternal victim stance". This is extremely hard to realize from objective side - because we were really abused and people are really rude - this is not hallucination. The problem is that we were hypnotized into interpreting rude people as if we are the only ones who are getting hurt and that it is embarrassing and that we are not allowed to get hurt - which breeds special treatment and entitlement that narcissists have. And now we are in permanent war, open wound that can never heal. It is the rancour and grudge - and any kind of rude people are like oil being thrown into permanent fire - it only adds to more flames and gives power to this wound.
CBT is trying to impose this idea of Letting go - but it does it from a place of judgement and even more of abuse and gaslighting. I bet 99 percent of therapist never heard of TIV at all.
And whenever I ended up with CBT message to let go and shift focus away from abuse - I ended up with fawning and people pleasing and being afraid of abusers - so I never moved or initiated anything, since Self was not explained at all.
Internal working model is when we are functioning in the world without hang ups. With social anxiety - this model is dysfunctional. We stop at the criticism and when people are rude to us - we collapse. This - according to Sam Vaknin - is our personality that was molded inside us while growing up. It is fake persona of victimhood but even though it is fake - it is strong and it over powers our decision making and how we see ourselves. We do not have True authentic adult self. Instead we have victimhood model that was formed inside ACoA ACE ambient. And this is how we end up with panic attacks and dysregulation and toxic shame when around toxic people.
Sam Vaknin says:
When you consider internal objects to be external – you are psychotic.
This means - when in social anxiety I anticipate people screaming and making drama - I am not basing this on reality. And this makes me psychotic. This is what CBT and self-help books are talking over and over again. That we do not believe in our fears - but that we face our fears. Obvious question is - what happens when the reality does come true - and the person is abnormal and anti-social and aggressive. Then the question is why I am in any kind of contact with such people.
Does someone orders me to?
Am I living in Shame culture country where other people are psychotic.
Obvious solution is - that being trapped in oppression is the problem -
which is resolved by leaving.
And without education in this - I will tend to come back. I will not be aware how much toxic ambient is abnormal, I will go along with happy memories and bias and prejudices and I will have toxic empathy and forgiveness - and return back to abusers over and over again.
I also learned the new term: hyper-reflection which is nothing else but rumination and intrusive thoughts. See Saw effect tells us when we end up with mysterious hang ups - which are obviously not from birth - that these were conditioned into us when we were exposed to reinforcement and punishments.
Trauma and abuse - it comes down to accepting it, that it happened. That we can always learn - however staying in rumination mode is wrong. I would stay worrying because I want to know that abusers will be punished - they won't. Almost none of them will ever face with that what they have done to others. They will never admit any accountability. That is fact of life. They will not change. They have personality disorder - they cannot grasp what they have truly done, they know they are evil, they are aware that they do evil - but they cannot get to understand how much that is wrong - not matter what anyone tells them.
And I can be fine with that. I can accept that, I am not fan of negating reality and going against the reality. If that is reality - okay - it is not nice, but I accept it and I want to move on. However what I am hanged up about is that I do not want to be in power position and have empathy for abusers and put them in my primary focus or seek their understanding. I do not want - be in position where I forget what happened and pretend everything is okay and not learning from mistakes and their evil.
With each triggering event I am always right at the start. I go into amygdala hijacking and my personality is gone. And that is the power of abusers over me - they control me. All that toxic person needs to do is to be rude - and my world is crashed and I become slave to anyone, in any ambigous social situation where there is a potential for a threat. I go into freeze mode and fawning - that is something that keeps me traumatized. The idea that someone holds negative opinion about me, that I made them mad for whatever reason - that is even not valid.
Psychology perceives any victim as narcissist. As if people are not allowed to have reaction to narcissistic abuse. And that makes sense in the long term. It is not healthy that my emotions and my self esteem and my future is depended on someone's anger and assault and their personality disorder. But it feels unnatural not to be anxious about it. It feels natural to worry and feel guilty and seeking answers what to do and how to handle toxic people and that I am suppose to have smart reply to anyone abusive so that I put them down or something. That is narcissism - because I am vindictive. Abusive people are being rude because they are being vindictive to everyone and they are unable to stop themselves.
When I look back - in my early years of social anxiety -there was no panic, there was no trauma - I was not aware that social anxiety was a thing that bothered me. And I had no cure - the only "cure" was that I kept going on, go through next day as if I have no idea what will be the outcome. I agree with Sam Vaknin when he says that our fighting is pathologizing everything. Social anxiety is a red flag that we are inside toxic ambient, that we are forced to be around toxic people - and there is no way out otherwise I would opt out of drama. Then in such circumstances - which are life itself - it is grandiose to believe that I can find magic cure to make me resilientt or powerful or that I could learn some secret way how to be super confident. The living itself - doing the task is the cure. Education can help me to make better choices in what my task will be. That is the only difference. Without education - I will be manipulated and controlled by toxic society and system.
I noticed that social anxiety is bias related to expecting the same result as before from certain people or situation. And with narcissists - it will be the same. It is due to narcissism that social anxiety started: being exposed to the same conditioning over and over again - and now the brain will say - why bother. When we are in real life situations where people are rigid, their anger is not situational, but instead their assaults are consistent pattern - than this is red flag that such person is narcissist and toxic - and we need to cut ties as much as it is possible. Such people will hurt us if we stay with them - and they will lure us in with honeymooon phases. Our bias will tell us why bother with anyone new - since it will be the same. It won't. In healthy ambient - it is never the same, it is not the same abuse and difficulties and drama and make up hysteria - as it was with toxic people.
Another thing that I noticed that when I choose to be curious (instead of mere exposure) - I learn. I learn how to adapt to problems and issues - I learn tricks and tips and resources which I did not see previously - once again - because in narcissistic abuse we are not allowed to see anything. Because mentally ill aggressive person is rigid - their assaults are always the same, and our threat is constant in the same direction - without any means to find solutions. That is how we end up with trauma and social anxiety. We end up in disbelief why try anything new because we believe everything is the same - and it is only same with toxic people - whom we never leave because we believe everything is problem like it was with toxic people in the first place.
When we do CBT exposure - we do not investigate - because CBT is misleading, it does not explain the influence of toxic people. CBT is self focused, self blaming tool that keep us stuck in toxicity and then we blame ourselves in the end.
Rejection sensitivity is connected to social anxiety and being exposed to psychopaths. With social anxiety and RSD we decide to have why try anyting in life - because it will fail and we will be hurt and rejected. But do we? In toxic ambient we will be rejected always - because narcissists have rigid mindset. There is always the same outcome. Healthy and sane and normal people have fluidity and flexibility. We seek and evaluate and make our decisions based on reality - what is actually happening. With narcissists - this is not the case. They take the snapshot of reality - and their actions are rigid, always the same. When we are trapped with them - to be with them - we will adopt this belief that people will harm us and they will always react in the same manner - because this is our reality with mentally ill people like narcissists. In real life - this will not be case. That is why CBT is forcing socially anxious to expose - and tells us that when we face our fears - the fears will be false evidence, worst case scenario will not come true. In healthy sane ambient that is correct. However in ACE, ACoA, toxic ambient, dysfunctional ambient such as living in Shame culture country, dysfunctional family system - CBT will not work, exposure will not work, and we will be rejected and hurt over and over again by narcissists. We will adopt the belief - why try anything in life, why leave toxic ambient - because we expect that reality and healthy people think and behave in rigid manner also. But they don't. We never seek new jobs, new places - because we adapted the narcissistic snapshot of reality, without being aware of it - that RSD and social anxiety are narcissistic snapshot of reality, as Sam Vaknin calls it.
In the same time - the act of worrying and rumination and remembering past trauma - we are free, because we are free in entering mental illness on our own. Which means- we can cure ourselves also the same way. The same freedom that created social anxiety and trauma and RSD as reaction to toxic people in order to keep safe and protected by not taking any risks - lies our cure for the panic, too. The freedom is in realizing that toxic people force us to react and to defend ourselves - this is not personality disorder as CBT and DSM labels it superficially. That instead of seeing our "shyness" as a problem - that we see that the only problem are and always have been toxic people. When we believe in DSM and CBT and self help labels which describe social anxiety as shyness and logic problem and distorted thinking - we end up with creating false personality inside us and then we make decisions based on this false persona. CBT does not allow us to see the big picture - that our panic and worry and OCD issues - actually result from toxic people who suppress and push us into these mental illness behavior. And when we realize that toxic poeple are forcing us to hide and isolate - then we no longer will blame ourselves or believe that temporary shyness is our permanent engraved personality, as CBT and DSM are forcing us to belive in. Now we can become aware that as much as we have freedom to doubt and be afraid and to expect the worst outcome - that we have also the freedom to observe other people and evaluate them - instead of always pathologizing ourselves and our fears and panic symptoms.
The same freedom of exploring the possibilities - can give us power as much as it gives us restrictions and agoraphobia due to fear of worst case outcomes. We can now cut off toxic people instead of having toxic empathy for them. We can not return once we leave toxic ambient - due to once again our toxic empathy. We can allow our inner parts to tell us what we really like instead of dismissing it as childish - and hence minimize toxic stress that we otherwise feel because we want to be perfectionist and held onto our high moral and moral standards. The same power that scrutinizes our choices and likes can also scrutinize toxic people who taught us to scrutinize and pathologize ourselves as bizzare, irrelevant or childish.
The realization is that social anxiety is not sickness nor abnormality - even though it is described as disorder in CBT and even though society frowns upon it and tries to destroy it. Social anxiety is reaction to abuse and toxic people. It is legal reaction to abuse. It is not shyness or hidden manipulation as CBT and society perceives and describes it.
Social anxiety will be cured with high self esteem and firm solid self confidence. The only way to achieve this is to be proud of ourselves and to know we did nothing wrong. With social anxiety we feel wrong. We believe we did something wrong. People tell us we are wrong - they criticize and the criticism hurts us. Then we end up with social anxiety. CBT tells us that we are hallucinating - that toxic people do not exist. They do. Toxic people are psychopaths and narcissists. They have hidden agenda. They are pathological liars. They lie. They are dishonest. They have fake persona, mask - and they use other people for their hidden agenda and goals. Other people cannot detect this - because of manipulation and pathological lying. The only people who can sense something is wrong are HSPs and socially anxious. We pick up the bad vibes easily. This is not disorder. The problem is - we cannot prove our instincts. We cannot validate our feelings and hunches. And then we stuck with a belief that we have abnormal brain and that we don't know how to interact with people, that we lack social skills.
The trauma and life with narcissists in the same time keeps us stuck in not taking any risks. We start to have snapshot of reailty, just as narcissists - and we think all people are the same. Now this trauma is observed by CBT and it will label it as cognitive distortion, once again ignoring the toxic people who created and conditioned fears inside us. CBT will never help us to get confidence - because label disorder is stigmatizing and we unjustly reject ourselves and our hunches - that can never be proven. We reject the operant conditioning too if we follow CBT and self help industry.
We need to have full trust in our social anxiety, our panic - and see it as it what it really is - clashing of personality and detection system of toxic people who appear as normal and healthy to the public. We need to have this total trust in our brain that it is fully operating and functional and that we never label it as abnormal or dysfunctional. If we are not serial killers - if we are not anti-social - there is nothing wrong with our brain as CBT claims.
Then social anxiety - from a panic and issue with disorder and ineptness becomes something external and sinister- We become hunters, for the truth. It is about realizing that someone is lying to us. That they are not sincere. That they produce lies. Why? What is the reason? What is the agenda? Will probing them lead to answer or violence- these matters now become the focus, instead of CBT's self blame and self censorship.
Narcissists - who cause our social anxiety panic - are not general criticism chatting box. They do nitpick and are micro-aggressive - however their criticism is directed at specific task. This is how they get successful in business -because their directed specialized criticism is perceived as competence, as if they help others to improve by finding areas which need improvement - general neurotypical population will mix this error finding as positive trait, that narcs somehow help community and workers.
In real life - criticism is just blunt criticism that has goal to control others, not to help with company goals or project at hand. The only hidden agenda in criticism from predators is control and submission of others and making others feel small and afraid. Unfortunately due to lack of education - most people cannot see this truth and they go with normalization and rationalization of abusive behavior.
Social anxiety is our healthy defense mechanisms against the emerging narcissism due to exposure to narcissistic abuse. When we are assaulted - we will tend to fight back. We cannot fight back to mentally ill person. Narcissists are mentally ill. Fighting with them is going into same mentally ill arena - and this is where social anxiety steps in. It tries to protect us from becoming mentally ill psyhopath who is abusive and anti-social. The problem are toxic people who are anti-social and who trigger us in the present moment. And the problem are toxic people in the past who abused us in childhood with ACE and ACoA exposure to abuse by omission.
Exposure to any kind of abuse - push us into victimhood and martyr complex.
We become wrapped into fake identity without knowing it, we simply follow our pain and we have no idea what is happening inside us - without proper education, without insight - we end up victim, and what is worse - we become our abusers who they were, we turn into them. When we do not know who we are - this happens. When we try to overcompensate the pain - we turn into abusers and toxic person, while we believe we are doing something good. That inability to detect wrong path is personality disorder - because we are not aware what kind of effect we have on other people, we are anti-social without being aware of it at all. This is why TIV shakes us back to align back into ourselves, so that we stop over-compensating by taking actions which are fight response to trauma, or through harboring rancor and grudge.
The best example is Freud family - they were afraid of Nazis, and evil in the people -so they started mass movement in USA and the world, where we attack our anxieties because our anxieties might lead to anti-social behavior when we uncover anger beneath this anxiety. So Freud started to destroy and suppress and deny any kind of negative emotions - such as fear and anxiety and depression. Which not only ended in catastrophe because Electroconvulsive therapy made patients to be without memory. Basically Freud created Nazi abuse - the same one that they tried to escape and evade and avoid - they became the abusers themselves.
We see this in politics too.
Communism was intended to make workers rich and democratic - end this ended in poverty and tyranny - the opposite of communist ideologies.
Church tried to spread Jesus message - and it ended in Satanism: hatred and wars and genocide.
Democracy in USA was intended for free speech and free economy - and this ended with corporations brainwashing masses who are shadow banned online when talking different ideas - which is not democracy.
Nazis tried to build perfect society - and it ended in tyranny and mass genocide, the most imperfect human being - someone who kills others, far from perfectionism.
Any idea that we carry - we unconsciously become the opposite of it.
With social anxiety we carry anxiety - which is unknown to us - we have no idea that our Self is destroyed and that we have no personality and that our social anxiety is based on ACE and ACoA toxic ambient of abuse by omission in early age when we required validation and mirroring. And without education in social anxiety - we become the victims and get stuck in martyr complex even though we are afraif of attracting attention and be pitied by other people - we end in the very same things we fear about. And then people mock us for being "over-sensitive" and weird and avoidant. And then we end up with over-compensations - we try to appear social and mask our trauma which we have no idea is inside us and propel us to worry. Then with masking - we become victims automatically - because we have no Self inside us, we build fake personality of confidence, social anxiety coaches and CBT are telling us to become confident - and we end up in the end our abusers - the same one whom harm us. We start to hurt other people because they are socially anxious and because they do not appear confident. We label them as victims. We end up people pleasing others because we have no Self inside us, CBT never explained this to ourselves - and this lack of critical information sets us up to fawn and become part of herd mentality and groupthink - the same one that caused our social anxiety in the first place. Without Self inside us - we will be perpetual victim, without us being aware that we are victim and have victim mentality.
With social anxiety - we carry our hurt and harm as us being Angels - while narcissists become Demons. Now we do not need to change, we simply attack the other person who is bully. We end up seeing ourselves as perfect someone who is unable to hear criticism and say sorry, due to toxic shame trauma - and this is us being abusers now. We become narcissists - just by trying not to be narcissistic and just by trying to punish toxic people. And we have no idea that we are doing this - because no one explains us TIV and martyr complex - and if we hear it, we will become offended due to Confirmation bias.
We will end up with social anxiety coaches who are narcissists and psyhopaths and they will pat our anxiety on the back and make us feel ashamed for our anxiety and tell us to become fake person - like them - someone who is perfect and without mistakes and filled with self esteeem and super confidence and amazing social skills that we become start of the parties.
We do not understand that both our reaction and doing nothing about any problem - these are the same sides of the same coin. They are the same sward. We stay stuck in confirmation bias. We think that we will beat lack of confidence by pretending to have social skills - and we end up being fake - and in the end, without true confidence. It is fake.
When we fight something, we make it stronger. What we resist - will persist. From our point of view it will appear as if we are someone else, someone different - but the very fact that we are building walls and worry and make defenses - means we are being stuck in victim mentality. Without us being aware of this at all. Due to lack of Self, we have no idea, no one explained us - that social anxiety is not lack of confidence nor it is lack of social skills - these are only symptoms that may appear in people who never learnd how to mask their trauma. Nitpicking our skills and confidence, as CBT instructs us - is keeping us stuck in social anxiety - because we never tackle the core of problem: trauma and toxic shame and lack of education in psychology.
With social anxiety grudge and rancor and panic - without us knowing about it, we stay stuck depended on toxic people. We believe that we did something wrong for causing them to be angry and to reject us. We believe that we must learn social skills as CBT instruct us - and that then toxic people will not yell and scream at us anymore, because they will see us as strong and on the same level as they are. This is not true. Toxic people are anti-social, they see their victims as a tool, as an object. They do not care what we think, how we act, what we have - they are only interested in supply, like a parasite. And we on the other hand lack warmth and empathy and understanding and we end up mixing up their interest as a friendliness and as connection. We think we are doing something wrong with our panic and anxiety and we stay stuck in belief that we must fix ourselves and then magically all people will never be rude to us ever again. This is victimhood mentality - without us being aware that we are building victim mentality at all.
Victimhood: is when we expect other people who are toxic and mentally ill that they will start to respect us when we twist ourselves into pretzle and when we develop super confident skills and talking and workaholism and when we overcompensate and prove ourselves worthy enough for them to stay and be with us. We have no idea that they are sick, dangerous and that our social anxiety which appears due to CBT as abnormality - is nothing else but signal for us to get the hell out of sick country and away far away as possible from toxic people who are mentally ill psychopaths and narcissists who cannot have hold any kind of human emotion without being agenda and deceptive and exploitative about it.
Without knowing about it, with social anxiety we contribute to toxic people. Without our awareness, due to lack of self, due to internalized toxic shame, due to trauma ACE and ACoA - our beliefs are chanalized, directed, narrowly commanded into toxic empathy draining hole which appears to us as being moral and ethical and good and nice. And nobody explained us this about social anxiety. We are only explained - mostly through CBT and self help that the only problem is lack of social skills and us not being competent enough to catch and hold other people - and this detrimental explanation keeps us trapped in victimhood mentality and with toxic people whom we become depended on. When toxic people manipulate and control and abuse us - we will stay silent in order to be social and in order no to avoid people. And toxic people dominate and soak all our focus. We will put aside socializing with normal and healthy and sane people - and our only life focus will be drama and hysteria and problems which narcissists and psychopaths pump out through their own victimhood - constant nagging, constant drama, constant problems, constant nitpicking over our mistakes and flaws and our imperfections - and when we do something to move away - they pretend to be poor victims.
With CBT we never allow ourselves to doubt people- We end up being depended on CBT idea that we must never be alone and that being alone means mental illness and sickness. No matter if other people are mentally ill. That being alone is worse than ending up being abused by criminally insane people - that is CBT message that keeps us in victimhood martyr complex.
With social anxiety we try hard not to bother other people - so we will develop perfectionism and workasholim so that we do not bother anyone. This backfires.
First and foremost, we cut off connection with other people. We never allow them to correct us - and this gives a sense of purpose and happiness to other people. I am talking about healthy and sane people on the other side, not abnormal psychopaths who delight in other people's misfortune.
Without realizing it - we try hard not to be victim - in all this attempt to be self reliant and strong - we end up being victims. We end up being alone and isolated. We end up giving impression of someone who lacks empathy and warmth, and what is worse - we end up giving aura of narcissism and superiority, because in our attempt not to bother other people and to evade their yelling and screaming - we end up appearing arrogant and cold, the exact person which we are trying to avoid in the first place.
This is paradox, but it is true.
Jack Lemmon said - if you have trouble meeting new people, just pick up the wrong golf ball. And he is right - other people are prone to help others and to be superior and better and rescuers - over someone's petty problems. This gives them a boost in their ego - and with narcissists and psychopaths this desire is turned 10000 millions notches up the volume, it is pumped up for them. Toxic people sprinkle the rescuing with mocking and attacking someone for being "stupid" and inept, to give even more boost to their shaky self esteem which they present as glib sharm and grandiosity in public for the public eyes.
In ACE, ACoA - our natural normal self perspective, self beliefs - were poisoned by self doubt and self rejection - and we copy paste this effects of verbal abuse over and over again, our beliefs are traumatized with wrong convictions which are now automatic for the socially anxious. We were set up to self blame ourselves automatically, to overcompensate and hence make other people hate us - because we are fake now. We were programmed to reject ourselves and hence destroy our self, our preferences, our desires, our opinions - and we correct ourselves in order to fit in into herd mentality and group think by believing that nobody will attack us and nobody will cause us to experience the original trauma once again - and we have no idea that we are trapped in this rat race at all. Rat race of trying to fit in into crowds and be safe by becoming nobody and by suppressing our true face. Without noticing - we are abusing ourselves and we ruin our mental health by doing this frantic chase for feeling safe at all the wrong places. We end up by being alone and isolated and serving all sorts of dangerous people who harm us in the end.
When I confront CBT crows about what happens when our anxiety is not based on predictions and hallucinations and delusions - and when we really face the real threat: toxic people.
Then usually I get this reply:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference
And I tell them back - how do you know the difference. How exactly can you know - that your brain is not traumatized, so that your opinions and perspectives are not tainted by self defeating thoughts. You can't. We can end up with victimhood mentality - and automatically label something as tought and difficult and out of our control - while in reality we have so much control, that we cannot see with trauma. Trauma which CBT bans from educating ourselves about.
Operant conditioning is solidified with groupthink and herd mentality. And this is a clue/secret how can we turn around the conditioning in our favor. Any stuck emotion and fear is here because of herd mentality and fear of what other people will think about us. This way, we can get rid of compulsive worry and intrusive thoughts by realizing that Freud's discovery was exploited by American corporations after 1930s - meaning that all people are also guided by the very same fear - they simply lack the education in psychology about it, so they apparently cannot report what they are afraid of - they simply lack the education to describe in terms that they suffer with the same social anxiety which socially anxious will complain about- and then social anxiety will appear as something very individidual, separate, exclusive - something that "normal" people do not have at all. But they do. Most people are simply too dumb enough to know what the hell is going on in their shallow heads - and due to lack of education - paradoxically they appear as normal and strong and confident - simply because they are not aware of parasites and psychopaths who exploit their trauma - so most people will not develop anxiety from society at all. They will in turn - process their social anxiety as alcoholism, drug consumption, addictions of all sorts, workaholism, narcissistic abuse and violence.
When you feel awkward or weird in social settings, likely it's because they're being weird. They're being awkward. They're not doing well socially. You're feeling awkward because they're not following up with another question. That's on them!
🟥 LaurenOfficial
It's a process known as atomization. Where people are rendered self-sufficient by technology. And then they lose all the incentive to accommodate other people: to compromise, to negotiate, because being with other people is onerous – other people are opinionated, they are pain in *, it's a lot of effort to be around other people. Why would you?
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
Universe is indifferent to you. You are meaningless in the big scheme of things. You are meaningful only to yourselves. You are the engine of your own meaning. Do not rely on anything outside of you for meaning. Because no one gives a $hit.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
Society can program you and affect you in ways that would make you feel normal. But it would actually drive you to insanity or lack of mental health. Society can make you mentally ill by deceiving you into thinking that you're normal. We have abnormal societies that make people feel that they're normal. But actually make these people mentally ill. Societies are very dangerous constructs. And we should be very careful with this.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7HZThtxdBY
How do you know what is acceptable and not acceptable? It's very simple. Anything that makes you feel bad is not acceptable. End of story. Communicate with other people –this makes me feel bad. So I would ask you to not behave this way. And if the other person insists to behave this way, walk away. You have the nuclear weapon. And the nuclear weapon is walking away. You can withdraw your presence-this is the ultimate in weaponry. You love yourself less?
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
If that other person is not interested in you except when he has power, walk away. Cut him off. Is she has power over you and when you try to take back that power she doesn't want to be with you, good for you. Never give anyone power over you. The power should come from the inside. Boundaries is clinical term in psychology – communicating to other people what is acceptable behavior and what is not.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7HZThtxdB
He gets mad and you don't want to cut them off then you love yourself less than the other. That's not healthy. You should love yourself most. You're number one. Always number 1. That applies to parents, children, lovers, friends. If something is wrong with your self love, you will not be able to properly love other people. They would be damaged too. You think you're doing them a favor – you're not. Sacrifice your well being for other? Then seek help.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7HZThtxdBY
Denying yourself- we have a name for that. When you destroy yourself gradually, incrementally until you disappear – suicide. There are many ways to commit suicide. Gun, bullet, bad relationship. Most common way of commiting suicide. Talk to yourself first. Almost no one talks to himself. You never talk to yourself. You are the most important person and you don't talk to yourself. It's not question of pleasing yourself. Just don't feel bad.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7HZThtxdBY
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
It's not a 'narcissistic relationship'
it's domestic abuse.
He's not a 'narc'
he's a perpetrator.
Heartpath Coaching
@Heartpath4
Yes 💯. Because it’s an impossibility to have a relationship with a narcissist. And the term narc isn’t descriptive enough of the true harm and results of the trauma that is inflicted on the victim. I agree, we need to use the true and much stronger language.
What do we really know about other people? What do people tell us about themselves? What do they broadcast? And how manipulative is this? When we come face to face with another person, are we really interacting with someone there? Or are we stupidly interacting with a mask? When people take off their mask, what then? Or do they always wear mask? Do you change the mask at work and at home? Terrifying question. Self reporting is reliable?
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENGCG8VGVBY
法比安
@fabiankunick
The devil obviously does not tell you that he is the devil.
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
#Narcissists shame their victims for the abuse trauma symptoms THEY CAUSED to overwhelm anyone from seeing the real issue that THEY ARE CAUSING THE TRAUMA.
Neffelie
@NeffeliesStuff
Feb 29
How do you deal with people who have different levels of intelligence or different ways of thinking than you?
Jeffrey Kollnot
@JKollnot
In my experience, narcs really like to promote forgiveness to avoid accountability. Especially “spiritual “ ones lol
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
Forgiveness can be retraumatizing for the victim if it is forced. Forgiveness is not required for healing.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Toxic people will bait us into continuing to engage w/ them by purposefully misconstruing what we said-- & trauma survivors often struggle to disengage, because we f*ckin' HATE feeling misunderstood & have an overdeveloped sense of justice.
I know. But drop the rope.
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
The people you lose during your healing process are only meant to be with the unhealed version of you.
Jacy, LPC
@ATMwithJacy
Mar 2
Forcing toxic positivity in your life is keeping you from moving forward.
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
Respect yourself enough to shut toxic people out of your life.
@hiddenrio
You tube comment
There's a big caveat here that almost always gets missed in content regarding social anxiety disorder: someone can exhibit all the same symptoms listed for SAD, but if they are really autistic, then the treatments/therapy for SAD can do a lot more harm than good. For autistic people, fears associated with social situations are usually coming from a lifetime of failed attempts at socializing. The fear isn't "irrational"; it comes from real, repeated trauma (CPTSD) — and that trauma can be repeated throughout adulthood. It's not just something left over from adolescence.
I was misdiagnosed with SAD many years ago. Unfortunately, the CBT taught me to gaslight myself regarding what was really happening in social situations, which only led to more trauma. My ""friends" were not still my friends. What I discovered, again and again, is that they were never my friends to begin with. They only sometimes tolerated my presence so long as I remained a people-pleaser and never, ever stood up for myself (or others). This is a common experience for autistic people.
Worse: in therapy I was told that my fears were irrational and that I needed to think more analytically. I was being gaslit regarding how my own mind works. Most autistic people instinctively practice the kind of analytical thinking that CBT promotes. It's how we navigate the world. If anything, CBT teaches allistic (non-autistic) people to think like autistic people.
The various medications I was put on all just made things worse. I very nearly lost my job because I couldn't think straight, and my anxiety only increased as a result.
So yes, I have extreme social anxiety, but it's not SAD. It's PTSD. If you get badly injured walking through a minefield and the therapist tells you that your fear of walking through minefields is irrational and encourages you to go out and do it again, you're just going to get hurt again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR7KR8gTYEM
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
Mar 2
Neurodivergent people don’t usually mask because we wish to be neurotypical. We mask, because we were repeatedly told we would only be worthy or lovable if we acted “normal” and hid our “quirks.” We mask to change ourselves so we fit in. Masking is a trauma response. -Dr. Jen
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
Mar 3
Ba cautious with those who are only sorry after you walk away.
Up until the middle of 20th century you would have been a jerk. Or an a-hole. Now you're a “narcissist”. Narcissism is a clinical diagnosis. It's a problem. We medicalize things. We pathologize things. And we problematize things because there's an enormous amount of money. We first invent drugs,then we find the diseases that require these drugs;ADHD. Drug existed before the disorder.
DSM is list of problems. We problematize many issues nobody considered
Professor Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwaZkD4XFnE
Psychology has two major problems. It deals with fictions. Such as individual–ego, mind, consciousness. And it treats those fictions as if they were not fictions but real life entities. This is delusional disorder, under DSM. Psychology is a bit psychotic pseudoscience. It deals exclusively with entities that are totally abstract and has no validation as oppose to physics. In psychology everything is total invention.
Cannot be proved with any experiment Problem number 2: In physics I can replicate the experiment as many times and keep getting same answer. But when I analyze you as test subject, you're not the same. If I test you today and conduct tomorrow, you're no longer the same subject. The very fact I'm
conducting the test on you, changes you. We don't have in psychology entities to study. Because the entities are kaleidoscopic. They change every split second. Shape shifting sands we experiment on
Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70gg_b3h2pg
Narcissist is implacable. Untouchable. That kills people. That narcissist, this monster, this abuser actually never pays a price. He's
incapable of mourning, of grieving, of heartbreak. He never pays emotional price for anything he does. The only way to touch the core of
narcissist and to affect him is a process called narcissistic mortification. It's when narcissist is publicly shamed and humiliated in front of
peers and people he values.
Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ep0bR0jq28
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
Mar 7
I think that concepts such as patriarchy, narcissism, sociopathy, entitlement, dark triad, & toxic masculinity are dimensions of the same phenomenon.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Mar 6
Stop expecting healthy responses from people with toxic behaviors.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Mar 6
You are not f*cked up for having a strong, complicated reaction to a f*cked up situation.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
Mar 6
What we think of as patriarchy is institutionalized narcissism. Convince me I’m wrong.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
Mar 6
Narcissists justify the bad shit they do to you by telling themselves you ‘deserved’ it.
There’s nothing scarier than a self righteous asshole.
We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested.
Edward Bernays
Any person depends on public approval. Edward Bernays
Those who manipulate the organized habits and opinions of the masses constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. Edward Bernays
People want to go where they wanted to be led.
🟦 Edward Bernays
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.
sad
@lonesfeels
when u realize you’ve never been put first ur whole life, ur just the person who fills the void in people’s lives until they don’t need u anymore and u just have to accept it.
Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.
Dr. Bessel can der Kolk
feel safe with other people = mental health
The single most important issue for traumatized people is to find a sense of safety in their own bodies.
🟦 Bessel A. van der Kolk
Narcopath Info
@Narcopath_UK
The deeper the narcissistic injury the more detailed the projection.
Listen carefully….
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
Survivors get criticized for only wanting to talk about their trauma, but often it’s others that only want to talk about the survivor’s healing and what they ‘should’ be doing.
#dontshouldveasurvivor
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
You’re not helping a survivor if you only want to talk to them about their ‘healing’. Care about them as a whole person and not just how you think you can ‘fix’ them.
#supportsurvivors
Jacy, LPC
@ATMwithJacy
Stop setting unrealistic high expectations on yourself. You’re ruining the trust in the relationship with yourself.
Jacy, LPC
@ATMwithJacy
The only thing standing between you and your healing is your commitment to being petty.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Mar 12
To make a difference in someone's life you don't have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, handsome, or perfect. You just have to care..
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Always choose kindness.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Your intuition is the most honest friend you'll ever have.
Narcopath Info
@Narcopath_UK
Mar 11
When confronted with their mistakes or wrongdoings, narcissists instinctively redirect blame or attention away from themselves and onto others. This allows them to maintain their self-image as flawless and infallible.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
When looking back doesn't appeal to you anymore, you're doing something right.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮
@_Pammy_DS_
Mar 12
Heal, so when someone is trying to love you... you let them.
Sophie came to realization that Jerry and her mother shared tendency towards being insensitive towards to emotions of others. Sophie realized during therapy that her emotional isolation from Jerry was a resurgence of feeling she had experienced as a child. Animosity towards his lack of emotional responsiveness had its origins in her youth. Frequently experience feelings of culpability for their misery.
📖 Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mdv9nL4UFA
She had consistently harbored concerns regarding societal perceptions and was fixated on her father's disapproval. Virginia came to understanding via therapy that her social anxiety was a reflection of her childhood role in which she endeavored ceaselessly to earn her father's affection. Her panic attacks indicated she was started to doubt the authority figure is at all times belief she had held since childhood.
📖 Lindsay C. Gibson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mdv9nL4UFA
Symptoms of C-PTSD:
- Emotional distress (dysregulation)
- Disturbing Somatic Sensations
- Cognitive distortions (inaccurate beliefs)
- interpersonal problems
- health problems (ACE study)
- Avoidance or Overwhelm
Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going inside ourselves.
Bessel van der Kolk
Unlike other forms of psychological disorders, the core issue in trauma is reality.
Bessel van der Kolk
the more we don’t listen, the more severe the symptoms.
when you refuse to listen, you can turn your parts into inner terrorists, and they will destroy your body if necessary.
📖 No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model (2021)
by Richard Schwartz Ph.D. (Author), Alanis Morissette (Introduction)
Narcissists actually abandon their true Selves in childhood for an ego. And the ego is a mind-made construct. You actually are dealing with someone that believes they are their minds. So you're dealing with a captain that abandoned their ship. Narcissists are people that are identifying with their mind. If we think of a mind as a tool, screwdriver, then they believe they are the screwdriver. Their willpower is weak and underdeveloped.
🟥 How People Become Narcissists
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leU--0sn-C8
Your willpower is ability to resist short term gratification in pursuit of long-term goals and objectives. It is your innate ability to control yourself. Narcissists have inability to control themselves hence it makes them very volatile people. Pathological narcissist has underdeveloped emotions. They feel emotions, their just negative emotions. Rooted in shame and unable to move past their pride.
🟥 How People Become Narcissists
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leU--0sn-C8
"If you have been the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system, the concept of setting a boundary is laughable. You would be telling them exactly how to hurt you, and they would happily oblige. Also, trying to set a boundary in a calm and tactful way would be met by resistance in the form of mocking and ridicule, attempting to bait the scapegoat into anger, which would prove you are the problem."
YT kingbee9778
"I feel gaslighted by the therapy mantras of “ you have to teach people how to treat you “ ,(setting boundaries). No you don’t and no you can’t. First of all, it’s not my job to teach an adult how to behave like one and quite frankly, it’s a trap and a drain hole. Secondly, I DON’T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE. They will do what they want, especially if they have the tiniest ounce of power over you."
YT gertrudewest4535
Narcissism and Autism Spectrum Disorder.
People diagnosed with autism (ASD) may be misdiagnosed, elsewhere, with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Another suggestion is that NPD is a milder form of Asperger's, called high-functioning ASD (HFA) or autism without intellectual impairment.
https://medium.com/ramblers/narcissism
Effects of narcissistic abuse can be long-lasting if a person cannot distance themselves from the narcissist.
(chossing therapy)
In a turbulent world, there's another set of cognitive skills that might matter more: the ability to rethink and unlearn.
🟦 Adam Grant
Differences of opinion don't have to be threats.
🟦 Adam Grant
Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.
BILL GATES
Be you, flaws and all. That's the reason why narcissistic mask comes off – is when your flaws start to show. Later down on the road when your flaws start to show... Every single person has flaws. When narcissist see your flaws the mask comes off. Now you are confused. They will lie to you, mislead you, misguide you to get you fall for them. You give up be cause you already like the person. Now you change to fit me.
🟥 Why toxic people fake who they are at first
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_ndLQP74Wo
“I feel like every time I try something, I'm a bad girl”. This is real example of how a mistake was made but it became a piece of identity. Creating an environment where we give feedback and not criticism, creating culture of gentle honesty – creating a structure how you give feedback or correction in your home.
🟥 Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) with ADHD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4F72Hw_kto
So called "mild" autism doesn't mean one experiences autism mildly. It means you experience their autism mildly. You may not know how hard they've worked to get to the level they are.
(adam walton)
Lisa A. Romano
@lisaaromano1
It seems that from the moment I was born, I was expected to ignore, deny, suppress, repress, and oppress my emotions. Raised by unrecovered adult children of alcoholics, my young parents carried wounds from their childhood that they denied, yet controlled every thought, action, word, perception, and intention they had.
Like many adult children, I was a child that was seen and not heard. My little heart ached to connect with parents who were lost in their own codependent-narcissistic relationship, and as a result, the bond I needed to feel safe to connect to my authentic self went awry. Eventually, I learned to lie to myself and others to keep the peace and avoid rejection. Hence, codependency became my way of life.
When you awaken from the codependent fog, faulty patterns and family dynamics unfold before your newly awakened eyes. Even though you don't like what you see, you know that unless you break through these patterns, you will remain enmeshed in a toxic family system. The people you love remain asleep in their unhealed childhood trauma, and all you can do is keep it moving so that you do not die without learning how to live an authentic life.
The good news is that it is possible to detach, let go, and learn to accept the discomfort that arrives as you begin to find your true self despite a painful past. This is a difficult part of the journey of self-actualization because it requires that you choose the self over those you love who refuse to awaken and heal their lives.
Dear One, if you are awakening and learning to honor the self and come from a toxic family system, you need to prepare yourself for the challenges that will arise as you begin the detachment process on the road back to the authentic you!
I learned how to find my voice; the one family dysfunction taught me to ignore and deny, and I want to teach you to do the same!
This April 7th, I will guide, coach, and mentor those ready to embark on the sacred codependency recovery journey and teach you how to honor the self despite the anxiety and pushback from those who resent you for elevating your life.
Until you change how you think, you think the way others programmed you to think.
Let's fill your toolbox with profound and useful mental, emotional, and spiritual tools so that you can detach and become the true authority of your life.
-
Lisa A. Romano
@lisaaromano1
I Decree to Stop Shoulding On Myself and You
When I started this healing journey so many years ago, I was unaware of how negative, immature, faulty, and toxic my inner self-talk was. Thoughts popped into my head, which initiated a chain of physiological responses known as emotions, and before long, backward rationalization settled in to referee the war in my mind.
Because my early childhood experiences conditioned me to disown my inner reality and to figure out how to edit myself to at least superficially be one with what was happening outside of me, my inner self-talk was punishing, cruel, harassing, and shame-provoking. One of the most common inner narratives I possessed began with three powerful words, "I should have..." That's the way it is with most humans.
We are not born rational. We are born to survive, need, want, judge, and react. Rational thinking, healthy behaviors, and the ability to emotionally regulate are the fruits of introspection, self-analysis, humility, and a burning ache to know oneself so that one can do and be a better human. Being a healthy human implies we can take an emotional hit, rebound, and get back up again, and we have found ways to live a life of purpose and passion that aligns with our authentic selves. It means we have learned to worry more about living our lives in alignment with our authentic selves despite those on the outside who have personal opinions about who they assume we are. It means that we are honest about our character flaws and focus more on correcting them than we are about others and their flaws.
If there is one piece of advice I can offer you today, it would be to become highly observant of your inner self-talk. When you notice the word 'should,' hit the pause button, step back, and recognize you are about to flow upstream rather than downstream. The word 'should' is an appetizer to a shame spiral we throw ourselves into or shove others into.
May you find the peace that surpasses human understanding in this lifetime despite what you cannot control. I imagine a world where peace reigns; however, I also know that a world full of peace implies that the people in it are full of peace as well. Becoming super conscious of how and when the word 'should' pops into my mind, at the very least, helps me remain humble and vulnerable to the power of my words and the consequences their energy emits into the world on you and me.
Dear One, you are enough...we are One...nothing else makes sense...there is no such thing as separation...May you allow love to flow through and to you.
All my love, Lisa A. Romano
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
Client: He knows this really hurts me, why does he always do this.
Therapist: You answered your own question.
Although often overlooked, sensitivity to emotions is one of the most common symptoms of high functioning autism. These individuals can function in day-to-day life but struggle to control their emotions the same way that neurotypical, or non-autistic people, are able to do. For example, a frustrating morning experience like running out of milk or being cut off while driving can cause irritability and difficulty concentrating for the rest of the day.
https://www.appliedbehavioranalysisprogram
In a dying culture, narcissism appears to embody - in the guise of personal "growth" and "awareness" - the highest attainment of spiritual enlightenment. The custodians of culture hope, at bottom, merely to survive its collapse.
Christopher Lasch
I don’t think social anxiety is regression. On the contrary, it’s progression in being more aware of our surroundings, of other people’s thoughts and looking at us, of being judged, the possibility of being touched or talked to, etc.
It’s very normal for social anxiety to progressively get worse from toddlerhood through puberty.
YT Java-D
George Orwell's contention was that it is a sure sign of trouble when things can no longer be called by their right names and described in plain, forthright speech.
Christopher Lasch
You can literally talk to my subconscious. That's one of the ways we extract information from the subject.
- How else do you do it?
- By creating something secure, like a bank vault or a jail. The mind automatically fills it with information it's trying to protect.
🎞️ Inception (2010)
Problem number 2: In physics I can replicate the experiment as many times and keep getting same answer. But when I analyze you as test subject, you're not the same. If I test you today and conduct tomorrow, you're no longer the same subject. The very fact I'm conducting the test on you, changes you. We don't have in psychology entities to study. Because the entities are kaleidoscopic. They change every split second. Shape shifting sands we experiment on
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70gg_b3h2pg
Psychology has two major problems. It deals with fictions. Such as individual–ego, mind, consciousness. And it treats those fictions as if they were not fictions but real life entities. This is delusional disorder, under DSM. Psychology is a bit psychotic pseudoscience. It deals exclusively with entities that are totally abstract and has no validation as oppose to physics. In psychology everything is total invention. Cannot be proved with any experiment
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70gg_b3h2pg
We all are subjected to disrespect, to insults, to mistreatment, to insults, to mistreatment, to abuse and to injustice. This is an integral part of life, as people experience friction with each other. But most people shrug it off. “It was unwarranted, but I'll let it go.” Other people get stuck. They keep rehashing the incident, they hold grudges, they ruminate and they persistently paint themselves as victim. It's personality construct. Make sense of.
🟥 Prof Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmhOPnWN4-0
Personality construct is a set of traits and behaviors that go together & appear in variety of settings you have same traits and behaviors manifesting in a variety of unrelated settings and across the lifespan. It's not unique to a specific period, it's not reactive to something bad. People who persistently see themselves as victims in interpersonal conflicts; narcissists are hypervigilant. They scan environment all the time. Is someone disrespecting me
🟥 Prof Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmhOPnWN4-0
- No. Because people are not reacting with introspection and reflection & analysis. People are reacting with fear and above all they are reacting with enhanced narcissism. The analysis comes much later and it is reserve of intellectuals. The masses never react with soul-searching, thinking, introspection. Masses react with collective narcissism. Which very fast becomes collective psychopathy. Degenerate via agency of demagogs to total psychopathic state
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VF0dNuIuMXM
There is nothing to be found. It's all delusions, confabulations, fairytales, fantasies, and outright lies. And the people who propagate them and the people who perpetrate them and people who promulgate them – they are scammers. They are cheating you and they know they are doing this. You're replacing manageable problem how to embrace accept life as it is, with an even bigger one. Always prefer what is true to what is working. World is hopeless.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dwes1kXq9U8
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
Abusers be like :
"How dare you ruin my reputation by telling people things that I actually did and said."
You feel this way for rational reasons. I never viewed it as an anxiety disorder. My friend started to view it as an anxiety disorder and he got f*ing panic attacks. I never got panic attacks. Cuz I never viewed panic attack as problem. I didn't even think about it. You wait, and it goes. You can't get addicted to something if you don't learn about it cuz you just move on.
🟥 Jay - Quit PMO
Social interaction is not suppose to be performance. It's suppose to be something you enjoy. Forget about the other person even enjoying it. It should just be something you enjoy. If your focus is that it's something you enjoy, the other person will most likely enjoy it as well. You feel like you need to walk on egg-shelves. Person may leave you, blow up on you, or take some sort of revenge.
🟥 Taeed the Spirit
The daily facade of perfection on social media, amplifies her social anxiety, pushing her to be an idealized version of herself. Negative thoughts loomed over my mind until I realized that no one cared but me. Unlike shyness, social anxiety interferes with an individual's ability to perform daily chores or make conversation. Art and dance were healthy way to displace my anxiety. You define your own worth and no one else.
🟥 TEDx Talks
Relinquishing responsibility and blaming others for what you do is very fashionable, but it was, is and always will be extremely unexistentialist, that is, extremely inauthentic.
the existentialist philosophers say: to choose not to choose is still a choice for which you alone are responsible.
"How to Be an Existentialist"
There's a proliferation of diagnosis. Everyone is potentially mentally ill if you dig deep enough. That's not okay. Society allows you to be mentally ill to some extent. Idiosyncrasies – behaviors which are typical only to that person and everyone is mocking them for it. The process of accepting craziness is called sublimation. When society allows you to be a little bit crazy. You no longer perceive reality properly. Reality is tough. Fend off reality.
Prof. Sam Vaknin
I say in the broken heart marketplace – give a broken heart 6 weeks to eight weeks, maybe even three months, they'll always going to resolve, but the feeling crazy part that doesn't go away until somebody gives you a blueprint, a map – a way to kind of navigate out of the mess.
🟥 Strategies Narcissists Use To Minimize Your Self Trust, featuring Dr. Ramani Durvasula
One of the essential ingredients to gaslighting –it is predicated on trust or connection or attachment. We want to be close to gaslighter. It's the only way it can work. Because if a stranger gaslighted me or someone I don't care about, I'm like leave me alone, get the hell away from me. I could take that stance. But if it's someone I love or care about I'm not going to be that dismissive. I trust them so there will be plausibility to what they say.
🟥 Surviving Narcissism
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9DyAeeST5Q
In the early phases of gaslighting, people usually fight back. They'll say no, that is absolutely not true and we push back. The problem is, Robin Stern talks about this process. The challenge is that when we push back, gaslighting isn't lying. If we catch someone in lie and we give them the evidence of lie, then the liar will say you got me. Gaslighter will never going to cop to it. They don't try deny evidence, they try to dismantle you.
🟥 Surviving Narcissism
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9DyAeeST5Q
Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.
Maxwell Maltz
Those who fear the facts will forever try to discredit the fact-finders.
🟦 Denis Diderot
Addressing symptoms is not fixing a problem.
YT tyrone6820
Because I don't know why I'm doing those things in the first place, I might start to feel like I just have these character defects. I just have these compulsions that I don't understand. When in reality we just don't know how to regulate around our core emotions because we don't have access to them because they have become shame-bound.
We're telling ourselves story our emotions don't make sense. I'll get shamed even further and labeled as weak.
🟥 Toxic Shame, Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxBm9r2tpyY
All of these things developed as a result of believing that core emotions that everybody has are inherently wrong and that you are bad for feeling it. If you can start to understand how many things grew out of that initial misunderstanding you're going to be able to give yourself a lot more grace. And stop thinking about patterns of behavior that you are ashamed of as moral flaws – and see them as best attempt of coping within a system.
🟥 Toxic Shame, Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxBm9r2tpyY
There is no world where we just don't feel anger, sadness, lust, excitement, joy, all these emotions that are core to the human experience. Most of us experience them daily. And so if they are shame-bound, and we're always pushing them down, calling them wrong things and taking counter actions, we are going to be dis-regulated daily.
Learn how to resolve things directly rather than sending them underground into this convoluted system, sideways
🟥 Toxic Shame, Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxBm9r2tpyY
If you stand up for yourself, they further silence you, creating a despair that can rock you to your core. It can cause paralyzing desperation for validation. And the abuser knows it.
YT alouise3557
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Be careful who you share your weaknesses with. Some people can't wait for the opportunity to use them against you.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
Apr 7
Survivors are not ‘treatment resistant’ - we have a society that is full of victim blaming, toxic ‘healing’ messages, lacks proper support, and is resistant to holding perpetrators accountable.
🗣️The survivor is. not. the. problem.
#CAPM #SAAM #respectsurvivors
We tend to behave in ways more to minimize disapproval rather than maximize disapproval. We tend to avoid losses more than we want to gain wins. Shame is belief that there is something wrong with ourselves. Not that we did something wrong. But that we ourselves are wrong with us, that we are lesser. Anytime there is difference how we see ourselves and standards we think we have to live up to – we experience shame. We carry it, ingrained part
🟥 How to overcome shame, Whelm
We really have to work very hard at changing our programming because we don't understand we're upset because someone else has a perception of us that we're uncomfortable with. And we challenge this person's perception of us. We're upset that people think this about us. Something amazing happens when you begin to accept that other people are allowed to have their own faulty perception of you.
🟥 Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life coaCh Inc.
But burying it doesn't necessarily take away the fundamental issues that they're dealing with, feeling vulnerable and insecure. They feel less as a man. They're afraid to show depressions, sadness, fear. But it's still affecting them, and because they've been told that they're not supposed to have these feelings as men, they experience this as shame.
🟥 Shame as an Origin of Toxic Masculinity
Inauthentic people have unrealistic perceptions of reality, looking for others for approval and validation, being judgmental, not thinking things through, not learning from mistakes, and being unable to express emotions clearly or understand their motivations. That definition comes from Psychology Today. That sound like narcissism. What is confusing is so many narcissistic folks think of themselves as authentic. Authentic is showing up as me, not brand.
🟥 DoctorRamani
(10.4.2024)
After listening to Sam Vaknin - I get more easier tools to describe ideas which were hard to describe. The idea is that instead of seeking solution for panic and trauma and codependency through directions and order - that the true solution is in general lifestyle. That I free up my resources which I spend otherwise on books and listening to videos and specific steps - but instead that I realize my Self and goals and task - and then focus on these as my primary focus in life. It is a way of accepting all life - and not fending it off - yet I am shifting my focus - without repressing - onto people and events and things that I truly like, and then fill up my time in things and people and events that make me feel safe, loved, accepted, validated, heard, understood - and then I can ease up and give that love back to the world.
Instead of fighting social anxiety and trying to find solutions to trauma and panic - I would rather blend into my instincts and beliefs - knowing that they might be tainted with magical thinking and work on that - to uncover the truth and reality - and then focus on what can I do about it and how can I transform anger and panic into my own solution - which cannot be find in self help books and CBT and conformity that tells us that the solution is fawning and people pleasing and staying inside Karpman Drama Triangle by being assertive with pathological liars and exploiters who have hidden agenda and social mask on that appear scary to me due to amount of lying and aggressivness.
With CBT and social anxiety and trauma and ACoA - I am too much invested into being slave to others, to seek their approval and that they won't harm me - that I end up fawning to them. And the only way to break this trauma bonding conditioning would be that I do not cover up my panic. I end up being afraid of panic - which is reaction to toxic people. And then this fear I end up being afraid of looking like whimp and sissy and unmanly that I overcompensate by being silent and servant to toxic person. I try not to cause their anger - by agreeing and by being workaholic and listening to them and obeying and doing pre-emptive actions like Negative Politeness - while in the same time I ignore my needs and wants and tasks and things that are really important in general. I drop all these and start to be afraid what the other person will think of me and how to compensate for their wrong opinion about me. That is social anxiety. I try to introduce order into fear - which is triggered by someone who is abnormal and anti-social - and I put their views and opinions above my own. Again and again. This is the disorder. I cannot function like this. I will be isolated, I won't move around, I will distrust all people - including those who are normal and friendly. Because of automatic fear of what a rude person thinks about me.
The solution is total trust in my fear. And that I do not hide it. And that I do not place my future decisions and actions into pleasing other people who are rude and anti-social.
Social anxiety is trauma, it is shock, panic and it is reaction to highly toxic and probably dangerous people around us who wear social mask to appear normal and safe. We see through this mask and we see that they are dark and dangerous. Our social anxiety needs to be acknowledged - we won't remove it through being socially skilled with the criminally insane. What we need is to develop super self belief in ourselves - that exceeds the normal parameters - that is similar to narcissism in order to jump start us off from fear. So that we dare to be brazen and to say no to exploiters and parasites. With social anxiety and with CBT self help advice - we will stay stuck in social anxiety, we will conform to abnormal people and we won't be able to say no or turn our backs or to leave Karpman Drama Triangle. We will become codependent and we will worry what rude people think about us and this will hurt us and shape our decisions to be passive, avoidant and obedient. So super narcissistic sick belief in ourselves is the only way to break operant conditioning and it is our high moral and ethical standards which prevented us to break free - so we stayed stuck with social anxiety due to our own desire to be normal and healthy and to conform to society.
Social anxiety is complex plethora mixture of peer pressure - which is strong in itself, it is reaction to punishment of sadists and psychopaths - which is strong element to keep us afraid, social anxiety is also self rejecton and self hatred which we learned in ACE and ACoA. These are strong elements that bind us into toxic shame and self sabotage. The only way to break free - instead of order and CBT and self help and being obedient and conformed - is to be insane. To become insane in order to break the ice. The insane - by our high moral and ethical standards would mean to develop delusional magical thinking belief that we are superior and better and more intelligent than toxic people around us. This is the only way to keep our heads above the water. I don't believe that we can become narcissists - because we would become impulsive borderliners long time ago. We have strong elements inside us such as inner critic and managers and IFS Model protectors, our inner police that will prevent us from staying in delusional state. It is only necessary to borrow narcissistic personality disorder as a jump start action, to fend off social anxiety trauma from making self defeating decisions in life.
With social anxiety - we make automatic decisions to fawn - we offer help when no one asks us - and then end up being exploited and mocked, which leads to totally new layers of social anxiety, since now we have trauma from other people who are psychopaths. Normal and healthy and sane people do not exploit other people, there is give and take invisible principle. Normal and healthy and sane people do not put other people down, even when others dissapoint them - and they take into consideration whole person and time - and they do not attack someone based on one in a lifetime incident that dissapoints them at that particular moment. Only toxic people are merciless and aggressive -because they are abnormal and want control and domination and to manipulate other people and to lie to them.
Sam Vaknin talks about othering and becoming separate individual - I see this as problem inside social anxiety issues. When we are faced with rude people who are critical and aggressive - they take over our mind, like it is hijacking that is taking place. I noticed that I forget good clever things to say and I find myself in survival mode, hypervigilance state - and it is only later on, sometimes years after, that I realize that I could say or react or do better and in better way than I did. Usually what I do is fawning, shutting up, being scared to talk and being in people pleasing mode automatically.
I see mental health as ability to hear criticism and to be able to filter it out - to understand what is going on - whether it is Ad Hominem criticism which is worthless and conflict prone - or whether the criticism is feedback and reality where we need to apologize when we did something wrong without being aware of it due to whatever reason.
There is a test for autism:
https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient
Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ)
I made two sets of tests.
One trial was done with the thought of me in stressful situation, in toxic ambient, when I feel unsafe, when there is boundary crossing, when I do not feel welcome around someone.
Then - I made another test by answering the same sets of questions but this time I was having in mind myself when I am in safe ambient, when I feel free to by myself, when there is no critical people around me, when I feel safe enough to be myself with my mistakes, flaws and imperfections.
The results were totally different.
When I made test with dysregulation having in mind - the test scored:
Your score was 35 out of a possible 50.
Scores in the 33-50 range indicate significant Autistic traits (Autism).
Then the test I made with Ventral Vagal state - the test scored differently:
Your score was 17 out of a possible 50.
Scores in the 0-25 range indicate few or no Autistic traits.
This means when I feel stimuli overload, when I am triggered, when I don't feel welcome nor safe - I will exhibit autistic traits. And this explains the confusion about social anxiety that I could not explain.
This means - that what I am struggling with is autism and this information will help me in regulation much quickly. Without this information I would not know why my mind works differently, why I am focused on unimportant details and why it feels painful to interact with intrusive people - and it explains my reactions that I could not describe.
This new information will help me to stop self pathologizing myself and to stop masking how my brain works, how I think - because other people would nitpick and mock me when I am under stress and this caused me to feel shame and then I would waste unnecessary amount of time and energy into masking myself so that I do not appear annoying to someone who has their own issues. Also it explains that I do not regard the stress as permanent - that when I am inside safe ambient- I do not exhibit autistic traits - so it is not brain damage or deficience in character of personality flaw that CBT is explaining social anxiety. Basically I will no longer need to mask myself or feel ashamed for appearing clumsy and wordless and not knowing how to handle toxic people anymore. Now I know what happens to my mind and why I am having these limited thoughts - and that they are not my personality, they are not permanent and there is nothing to be ashamed about or to feel inferior and incompetent about. And that I make choices in life - that will put safety and safe ambient and normal healthy sane friendly people around, instead of feeling that I must compete or prove toxic people that I am "strong" and normal and brave. Or to prove them wrong when they mock me and my stress traits, behaviors that I exhibit when I am over-stimulated - most often triggered by intrusive hostile people.
Masked autism means that the behavior will be modified and adapted to the environment. This means - if there is mocking, the certain aspects of behavior will be denied and stopped - and then on the surface it seems as if there is no autism. While in reality - those same neurodivergent ideas are buried inside and they cause distress, since they are alive and buried. I will feel unknown emotions and conflict and I won't know how to soothe myself when I feel stress. In such state - the only option is to be silent, to deny my self expression and to become codependent on "strong" people - who usually put me down and nitpick my mistakes and flaws to keep me in dysregulated state, since this way I am easily controlled and manipulated and then I do not ask questions and make statements which may reveal their mask and true agenda like greed and their sadism.
What is worse I end up with both safe blame and urge to attain their approval, that leads to trauma bonding. I have urge to please them and to never make them mad. This means denying my own needs and not stating how I feel.
Toxic people are those who are not aware how their words are affecting other people. With Asperger's - there are people who cannot tolerate uncertainties and anything that is not part of routine. Now this starts to be problem when such person starts to be in Crusaders mode and Spanish Inquisition and then harrass other people's flaws, quirks, anything that is out of ordinary and blow it up into huge problem and make drama and hysteria about it.
I believe that the one and only problem are toxic and intrusive people. Narcissists. Psychopaths. Impulsive borderliners. Asperger's. Those who believe that they are the center of the universe and that they have some magical powers, that they are superior to others and that they are allowed to manipulate and control others without being held accountable and that they are always correct and everyone must fawn to their ideas and goals. The worst are those who know that their targets of abuse are suffering from the same ailments as they are and then they use this secret knowledge and secret insight into rendering their target confused, ashamed and feeling guilty.
Toxic people - all they need to do is to create drama and hysteria about someone's mistakes, flaws and imperfections. And then the target is in permanent defense mode. The best way is to cut contact. However without knowledge about narcissistic absue and stimulation overload and ACoA - it is easy to get stuck in feeling guilty and believing the pathological liars and their manipulations.
Growing up in toxic narcissistic family ambient - it means growing up feeling guilty all the time, feeling shame all the time, feeling like I am not allowed to make mistakes and that my job is to make the perpatrators happy and regulated - so that they do not make drama and hysteria about anything irregular that they pick up on their radars.
Autism explains why I feel like I don't know what to say when in social situations - I do not know how to react only to toxic people. I know what to say - it is that only situations where there is mobbing and bullying that keep me feeling like I am not inside my own body to make decisions and that I am not allowed to live - due to toxic shame. This is autism - this is what autist feel when they describe lack of social skills. They cannot read faces and impression of others - the same way as under attack by toxic person when this person is confronted - he or she will often defend themselves that they were only joking - gaslighting me, their targets into feeling crazy, as if we do not know how to read jokes.
With autism there is a problem with spontaneity and making small chat and passing through the rude comments. This is what I had trouble with to describe: being unable to be spontaneous - due to fear of criticism and shame and intrusive people who would nitpick anything new and different from the usual. It is the toxic person that is the problem of being at ease and feeling Ventral vagal - their drama, hysteria, put downs, inability to be social. Growing up in ambient of shaming and put downs will set me to seek approval and to base my mood and worth on someone's approval. In such conditioning - I will never learn to cut contact and I will feel ashamed when I avoid toxic people. CBT will add more damage by explanation how avoidance is bad and abnormal.
When we cut off toxic people - there is a danger without being educated in narcissistic abuse, that suddenly it will appear as if toxic person has become normal and healthy. What is happening is that with cutting off toxic people - our mental health will restore. The process of cutting off contact with mentally ill and evil people will do the job. However - since this happens inside the mind, it will appear as if we need to have toxic empathy and restore contact back with toxic person. Because it will appear as if we now have strength and confidence, and that we are able to take on the evil people on our back and that the evil people were figment of our imagination even. This happens because evil people disrupt synaptic pruning. They keep us in the state of worry and rumination and holding on to trauma memory without being able to snap out of it. This way the brain cannot clean up unnecessary memories and instead it clutters the mind with dangers and things to look out for - because toxic people will create ambient of confusion, drama, hysteria, danger, nitpicking, errors, error finding, fault finding all the time everywhere, because they are mentally ill and evil - this is how they regulate themselves, by putting other people down and then enjoying seeing their targets being unhappy and depressed and worried - so it is in the interest of agenda of evil people to harm and harrass others. While on the other hand, from the target's point of view - it will appear personal, as if it is our brain that is creating cognitive distortions, keeping us hooked into unnecessary worry and boundary lookout points, where we are constantly hypervigilant and in expectance of another attack and in constant feeling of being inept and shameful for own mistakes, flaws and imperfections which toxic people will nitpick all the time, relentlessly. We won't notice that toxic people are creating rumination and fears and panic and shame. Instead we will believe that something is wrong with our core personality and our brain. Partly it is because we will find hard to believe that evil people can be so much evil to do such things to another people, just to feel good about themselves, that they are willing to jeaprodize mental health and stability of another people.
We do not know how much toxic people are toxic. We do not know until its too late. Toxic people come in spectrum. Some are simply negative all the time. Some are psychopathic and can cause us mental and physical harm or even worse. If we defend ourselves - we will end up blaming ourselves for being too sensitive - and we will never know how much we protected ourselves from unnecessary pain. Therefore I would put priority on our safety and mental health rather than on labels put on us over our decisions how we handle toxic people. Nobody knows how much toxic people can be toxic - and what agenda is plotting inside their evil mind. Nobody knows to what extent the psychopaths are willing to go - and the only protection is no contact. With shame and toxic society we will be blamed for cutting contact with toxic people. This is why it is important to lean on our brain, on our instinct instead of being codependent and forming our identity on other people's opinions.
In the end - what is the disorder part with social anxiety. It is the worry, rumination, refusal to face the world. Disorder part does not refer to real toxic situation nor oppression, and it refers to ability to not being affected by the external stimuli. That the stress is there, however that we do not over-react, and that our decisions are logical and non harmful for oneself or others. Disorder part appears very confusing in social anxiety - whereas autism spectrum explains it easily.
This is the reason why CBT is so much damaging. With CBT is appears as if thinking itself is abnormal, that one cannot rely on his own brain. It also appears as if there must be rigid solution to problems in life - such as never avoiding people even when they are dangerous and violent. Autism spectrum answers the inabilty to have self esteem and sense of Self.
For CBT the social anxiety is resolved with exposure. This does not work with Autism spectrum because of not knowing how to handle difficult situations and hysterical people.
Autism spectrum perfectly describes the inability to shift focus onto living and differnet interests. Instead there is a hyper focus on problem, issue, trauma.
When I mask, when I hide my feelings and reactions and fears and overstimulation that appears as fear - when I try to overcompensate to appear strong - I give wrong impression, like I am fake and as if I have hidden agenda. Mask both prevents me to connect to people and others cannot connect with me.
Social anxiety as protection against anti-social behavior.
Everyone has social anxiety. Everyone who is calm, civilized and who handles anger and stress without jumping onto other people - has social anxiety. The very thing that prevents people not to scream and enter into narcissistic rage - is social anxiety. There is a mechanism inside that prevents ordinary people from barking at others for every single mistake and error. People who are narcissistic, predators, borderlines - they do not have this protection at all. They have inner beliefs that prevents them from considering how their own reactions and behavior will hurt and harm other people. This is the secret how some people appear with charm or bold - they simply modulate their social anxiety and break rules of anxiety. I believe that non-traumatized people have learned to harvest the good side of social anxiety and they handle to farm it for their own benefit.
Those traumatized with social anxiety - who end up with neurodivergent brain - will get stuck in worry and toxic shame - that will wreck havoc and appear as if social anxiety is the sole and only problem there is - but in reality - the only problem is trauma and unmanaged autism spectrum.
Knowing that our social anxiety is not the problem - can help us shift our focus onto areas that need change and healing: toxic shame internalized and toxic people whom we feel obliged to serve and freeze around them - making us easy target to abuse.
CBT and self-help industry keeps us frozen - since it stigmatizes social anxiety - and then we end up being worried about overstimulation - which is totally outside of our control. We end up being ashamed about who we are - at our reactions and beliefs and thinking style - which is outside of our control. The only problem is operant conditioning - set of false beliefs that we believe we must obey such as if we feel panic - that we end up with victimhood mentality. Instead of investigating at the moment and healing in the peaceful times our wounds - we end up feeling shamed for who we are for feeling the uncomfortable emotions. Emotions are not the problem - the problem is conditioned belief that we are inept, unworthy and that our purpose in life is to serve and obey toxic people and fix their problems and make them feel comfortable.
By definition social anxiety is:
- always worry about doing something you think is embarrassing
- find it difficult to do things when others are watching
- feel like you're being watched and judged all the time
Which means that rude people, aggressive people, predatory types - they do not struggle with worrying that they'll say or do something embarrassing. They embarrass themselves by screaming and appearing hysterical, something that socially anxious person would never allow oneself to appear like that.
When we see angry, rude, hysterical people - they are anti-social.
This way - in the West, males are taught since childhood to be angry and to show hysterical behavior without shame - and that this hysteria is silently approved when it is aggressive and predatory. What most men are taught is to suppress social anxiety. And to be ashamed if they show signs of anxiety. This is not healthy - because the problem is not anxiety.
Problem is not social anxiety. Social anxiety is a mere symptom.
The core problem is toxic society, ACoA, ACE, abuse, predatory personalities - in the external, and in inner realm: the problem is destroyed Self, people pleasing based on toxic shame - which causes worry and rumination when someone is angry, hysterical either due to our mistakes of flaws, or rude person being dysregulated - and feeling responsible to fix their issues.
Important distinction between socially anxious and people who claim to have social anxiety but they do not - is that socially anxious person will not clench their teeths. Aynone gone through trauma will have their jaws clench - but socially anxious person will mask this symptom - because clenching jaw means aggresive stance. And Quiet Borderlines will do anything to appear as meek and non-threatening to the other people. And that is the greatest mark and symptom of true social anxiety. Socially anxious people do everything to appear peaceful and neutral and non treatening. Where false fake socially anxious people like shy people and narcissists and impulsive borderlines will not think much about empathy - and they will allow themselves to appear forcefull and aggressive to others- which fundamentally means that they did overcome their social anxiety. They have found dysfunctional and inept and unsuccessful way to cope with social anxiety - it is not healthy to engage in Fight trauma reponse - it is still trauma response. It is not healthy nor sane to lean into patriarchy tools to cope with difficulties in life - they lead to mental illness and anti-social behavior.
-
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Value those who support you with nothing to gain.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
Apr 12
If you’re just finding out about someone’s trauma, it’s ‘new’ news to you but it’s probably something the survivor has been living with for a very long time. Never expect the survivor to act like the myth of a ‘real victim’ but you should be expected to act like a real supporter.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
Apr 11
People may not tell you how they feel about you, but they'll always show you. Pay attention.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
Stay away from people who think you're boring, arguing or crazy every time you try to express yourself.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Victims don't create Smear Campaigns...
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
Abuse takes you off the track of life but everyone else moves on. Survivors with really good support and finances may find their way back but those without those things will of course struggle and then be shamed for not ‘healing’ properly.
Growingallthetime
@Claudin86881464
Grey rock- respond neutrally to anything they say. Be as boring as possible!
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Apr 13
Being called crazy or sensitive for reacting to disrespect is manipulation.
The narcissist dysregulate everyone around him. Wreck havoc and chaos wherever he goes. And it is by observing other people's reactions actually that we can safely diagnose narcissism. Because if you try to diagnose narcissism via test, structure and interviews, that's nonsense. There is no one to talk to. I think it's major mistake to try treat narcissist with adult psychology or adult psychotherapy. They're not adults. You need to use child psychology
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
Occult Hours 🔱
@OccultHours
Jul 10, 2021
Sometimes accepting that there’s “No Hope” actually releases you from attachment of constantly chasing.
Or really any unnecessary attachments.
Lisa A. Romano
@lisaaromano1
I remember sitting in my therapist's office, the one who finally diagnosed me with codependency and depression, when he said, "That's not your voice; that's your mother's voice."
He was referring to the punishing inner critic, the one who kept a keen, watchful eye on every step I took, was quick to remind me I was not enough and liked to kick me when I was down.
That's when my consciousness blew open and self awareness was born. Not the kind of awareness that acknowledges my name or an emotion. I am referring to the kind of awareness that allowed me to observe my emotions, beliefs, language patterns, inner self talk, and behaviors as a silent witness.
From there, I became obsessed with healing my programming, metacognition and finding the path to my authentic, sacred and more than enough self!
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
Toxic people know how to turn things around and make it seem like it's all your fault.
Decoding Narcissism
@FRibersson
Apr 18
Narcissists will accuse you of being toxic when you start standing up against their abuse.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
If you don't like something, take away it's only power...
Your Attention.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨
@_Pammy_DS_
The real flex is removing yourself from anywhere you don't feel loved, appreciated, supported, or respected.
He seemed like a really nice person. Sometimes that's a problem. Much mental illness stems from people repressing their hostility and trying to be nice, too nice. The hostility can't be repressed forever. Everybody has it; it has to come out.
The Transmigration of Timothy Archer
nishan
@notnishan
How often you offend people by speaking the truth?
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
A narcissist never wants to talk about the shit they did, only how you reacted to it.
Dr. Jen Wolkin | ADHD + Trauma Therapist
@drjenwolkin
PSA from a neuropsychologist:
Stop demanding people hide their pain and call it resilience. -Dr. Jen
Karun
@master_nobody
Introverts are attracted to authenticity. They don't care about how you look or the zeroes in your bank, they care about who you are as a person. Your wit. Your wisdom. Your idiosyncrasies. The rare inside you.
Many neurodivergents are sensitive to criticism, judgment and rejection. Partially because this is how our brain is wired. And partially because we had to endure this treatment for the entirety of our lives. We are targeted because we don't think or act in a way neurotypicals often expect us to behave. As result we are punished.
🟥 Ableism Causes Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/O9bn6aW9ppw
(28.4.2024)
With social anxiety there is mixture of knowing to be different and trying to fit in. Knowing of danger and being hyper aware of potential danger by isolating oneself away from others in order to keep safe - and in the same time trying to fit in into fixing toxic people, trying to win their approval which ends as Mate Crime.
I watched documentary Alpha Animals - where immature young sea elephants are lured into the ocean to swim with orcas - and whales do not kill the young one immediately - but keep him patiently away from the shore in order to exhaust him from swimming.
With social anxiety there is autism element - that keeps us people pleasing and trying to win approval, not to be lonely and alone so we risk exposure and being social - only to be trapped with predators ready to consume our resources, time, finances, work, energy. With social anxiety, inner critic, overstimulation - there is autism element of not knowing how to handle toxic people - and then we get hurt by them and end up with trauma and social anxiety even more - because we lack defenses.
We could create automatic defenses, fight responses - and then social anxiety will end up as narcissism and borderline issue.
Therefore learning about narcissistic abuse, predators, how psychopaths work, how sociopaths behave is crucial skill for the socially anxious. In the sea documentary - it is said that the young sea elephant would keep safe if it only stays onshore. The creature is lured into the ocean by orcas that appear they want to play with him and call him into the water by making sounds. The narrator said that without learning from his peers and older animals, he would know that going into the water with orcas is dangerous.
Social anxiety is tricky because we need to go into the water. We need to leave the house, we need to have jobs, we need to face criminals out there, untreated undiagnosed mentally ill people, evil people whom society, state and institutions either cannot recognize as dangerous or don't want to prosecute for whatever reason, we eventually will swim with orcas and be exploited. I believe those without trauma can easily overcome such situations and choose better decisions in life - whereas with trauma - our guiding light will be inner critic, overcompensation, trying to mask and to look cool in the eyes of others - and then make catastrophic decisions one after another - just because we try hard not to make someone toxic for them to experience emotions such as being sad or angry.
Self expression is important trait to develop when we struggle with social anxiety - to be able to speak and be authentic. However this can turn sour if we express ourselves with orcas and predators around us - instead of leaving them. When we get stuck with toxic people - and we try to defend ourselves - we will eventually become like them, abusive and dangerous, or most commonly we will become nervous and attack easy targets - people who are easy to abuse - and this will end as being borderline and narcissistic.
The desire to please other people, the ingrained programmed urge to fix other people's emotions and their problems - is the problem, it is motor that will propel us to make wrong and detrimental decisions in life. The ideas that other people's perceptions, their comments, their judgements are better ones than our intuition and common sense - will keep us traumatized and hurt over and over again.
Without education in trauma and autism and narc abuse - I would expose and be social - and keep on being stuck with toxic people - without knowing that I can actually block toxic people and avoid them and minimize contact with them but in the same time that I keep being social and outgoing - that information was missing to learn and to know. I was convinced with CBT that I must accept all people and be social with all people, and then not know what to do when someone is manipulative and controlling and predator.
I noticed interesting phenomena with decision making and being immobile in the end.
I would experience something unfair, some injustice - I would then worry about it, usually inner critic would self blame and self flagellate myself as if it is somehow my fault and that I must take some urgent action like running and leaving and escaping and changing the address. However as soon as I do - when I actually make a move - or even if I face the fear and actually confront the problem by talking about it and discussing about it - suddenly I forget. Amnesia kicks in. And especially if the other person is rude, screaming, hysterical - I take their arguments as the absolute truth to which I have no counter-argument and I fawn to their hysteria and their bias and prejudices and lies, pathological lies.
Only to realize later on - when time pass - memories flood back in and I feel grudge once again building up - and perhaps this time I feel why bother trying anything - and then I get stuck in codependency and abusive contact where I am having victim role.
The only psychological resource that closely describes this problem is IFS Model that describes divided self in many fragments, and borderline issue - where there is always drama that can't be resolved but where drama is feeding itself in endless loop.
I need measurement - external moral ethical standard, that will evaluate when I am in real danger - and that I keep hanging on to. In existentialism - this giving up and not fighting for my rights is described as bad faith.
Since external entity that could objectively evaluate where I stand, what I am doing wrong and what is wrong - is entity that does not exist - I see the closest help with achieving this measurement tool - the writing. To write down my worries and my thoughts and beliefs - so that I can check what is true from all the angles and from all the moods that I experience.
This measurement is crucial. Without education in psychology - anyone who is socially anxious would never know how to describe the mysterious and unknown feelings - other than neurotypical explanations; cowardice, weakness, pathetic, being sissy, scared. Then it is easy to pathologize complex and rational reactions to abuse - as our own fault and our flaw. This way anyone manipulative and pathological, pathological liars, psychopaths, narcissists can easily walk away hands free, having no accountability for the crimes they commit, and no punishment. While in the same time the target of abuse takes on all the blame through self blame and self flagellation and believing that it is own fault for not feeling confident and happy.
Blue dot effect is when we complain about anything in life - and in the same time we take for the granted all the good things that we have now that in the past were not available, but we don't care for them and see them as worthless- even though they are objectively valid and amazing. Blue dot effect also means that we end up being toxic - someone who constantly seeks and sees problems and talks only about that all the time.
In social anxiety - I believe this immersion in pain and abuse and talking about complaints and nagging - is not coming from desire to harm other people. It stems from sensitivity to the pain and suffering and experiencing injustice in the world - and there is no skin as protection to soften up the blow. For example - work exploitation, mobbing situations, sweatshops, slavery, modern day slavery, mate crime, impossible world situations like Palestine and being trapped inside borders and being attacked on both sides. These things will occupy socially anxious mind and trigger someone into feelings of rage, anger, worry, despair, depression.
And the worst thing is living such situations and not being able to do anything about it - like being stuck in mobbing toxic job and not having resources to find another job. I belive social anxiety is being stuck in such impossible situations - and then getting frozen and scared and shocked into silence and immobility and passivity - being unable to protest or ask for what someone wants and needs. This is what happens inside narcissist abuse. And I believe anyone being frozen in shocking state - is the same as autism spectrum - the symptoms are the same - inability to interact with others, being unable to process reality and what is happening and then end up being codepended on other people to get by in life.
And someone without education in psychology, without labels and without recognizing the feelings and emotions - will end up with self blame - learned in AcoA and ACE ambient. That is what is social anxiety. Being stuck in state of shock and inability to move on. It is complex trauma.
With social anxiety there are two different hurricanes going on - that appear as one entity. One is caring so much what other person thinks about me - as if their thinking and judgement is so important that I am unable to exist due to their thinking badly about me. And this applies not only to nobody - person who is totally unimportant - but it also applies to non existing person - an imagination, potential person or someone who has any kind of observation abilities - which includes automated voice that interacts via machine or app.
Another hurricane is secondary toxic shame about being so weak and vulnerable for appearing as coward due to this strong fear of judgement. CBT got this first hurricane - since narcissists appear for social anxiety testing research in mid 1990s, however due to survivorship bias - CBT missed the data from truly socially anxious people - who are not narcissistic and they have secondary toxic shame due to empathy and moral and ethical standards that narcissist do not have.
Narcissists will state what they need and want - so CBT never discovered that truly socially anxious people have Quiet BPD where there is no Self at all. Narcissists have hologram, make shift make believe fantasy of Self that makes them capable holding on to jobs and taking some kind of actions - so CBT came up with Exposure therapy - that does not work with truly socially anxious people - due to this secondary toxic shame. For narcissists, the feeling of grandiosity is dysfunctional but yet operating mechanism that allows them to live their life - even though they wreck havoc to other people around them. Truly socially anxious people won't benefit with exposure therapy - they won't find the peace, they won't learn their lessons, things won't magically fall into their puzzle pieces on their own as CBT is hoping to for social anxiety cure.
Because when people encounter discussions and unknown situations that need resolution - non socially anxious people will have enough entitlement and narcissism to actually stand up for themselves - and this will allow them to live their lives. Socially anxious people won't have this dosage of grandiosity and awareness that each human being has human rights. Because there is no room for the Self that would ask for what Self needs.
Social anxiety comes down to societal judgement as social anxiety is being perceived as unmasculine, unmanly, girlish matter that is connected to being a coward, someone who cannot defend neither oneself or others - and this shame feeds toxic shame. Then we may end up overcompensate by turning into psychopath and narcissist who is violent - but in reality - we will become screaming queen. Because I will try to give good impression to the crowds, someone else out there that should not see me as a coward.
So there is connection of social anxiety and narcissism - where anyone antagnostic and aggressive is probably hiding and masking their image of being weak and coward.
The central point is still the same - basing our actions and beliefs on what other people think about us - and desiring that other people think good about us, without having any bad emotions and conclusions and judgements about us.
It turns out as if in order to be grown up, adult, assertive, successful in life - I need to follow certain rules that are actually wrong.
I still can resolve issues without building a fake image of superiority and aggression and screaming and attacking the perpetrators.
This works in the opposite way - that I accept and validate myself so much, enough so that I am okay with whatever I do. When we depend on other people and their thoughts about us - this means we do not trust in ourselves. We refuse to accept ourselves totally. And instead we feel shame and blame and guilt for having fears and doubts and errors and flaws and being indecisive and passive.
And feeling only good and happy - when others around us approve us, and when we build enough of fake image that other people buy into - and when we are successful in being fake long enough so that it is believable and we know that other people buy into it.
I believe with neurodivergence concept - that this masking and pretending and trying to impress other people - we can still succeed in life without doing this fake circus tricks with which we try to gain other people's good opinion about us.
Instead of this deep trauma bonding and connection with what other people think of us - that we always choose trust in ourselves.
All symptoms stem from this inability to trust in ourselves. There is deep rejection and deep seated hatred about who we are, how we look like, how we talk, what we do in life, how we respond to people, how we react - there is deep shame about any aspect of who we are and what we believe in.
Almost it is as if before being born - that we know what is life all about - that there are certain rules for like such as not eating meat and not being violent - and once we are born - we are immersed into toxic society that shame and pathologizes our core rules about who we are - and then we end up doubting that perhaps our basic rules are sick abnormal borderline - and then we end up being stuck in limbo state - between our faith about who we are and world messages that are telling us to become the opposite of whom we know we need to be, but we have no solid proof that we are correct and right. So we end up with vague conditioned conditional self love where we actually hate ourselves and try hard to fit in into the world - that we know is wrong. Yet - due to inability to prove our core beliefs about who we are - we are torn and have this shaken self inside - that we cannot fix and then end up with plethora of symptoms stemming from this basic self hatred and deep self doubt about our core being.
For example - it is obvious that social anxiety is fear of judgement and what other people think about us. This is the core of personality disorder related to social anxiety. Yet in the same time - we know if we remove this deep care about what other people think about us:
1) first and foremost - this rejection of other's opinion will be temporary. With time, as time goes by - we will make some mistake - and flood and torrent and tsunami of guilt and shame will sweep us from our feet - and we will get back into the old pattern of worry and rumination what others think about us
2) secondly - without worrying what other people think - I believe we have deep core beliefs that are untrue. Such as - I will get hurt and punished and fired from a job if I simply stop worrying what other people think. While in reality - nothing will happen.
I noticed this online when I started to make bold comments that usually I keep for myself. I was convinced that police will come or that commentators will discover where I live and that I will be attack and that there will be end of the world. And of course - not that nothing has happened - but there is also block option - which helped me a lot to physically remove any contact with potentially aggressive people. Blocking option that I was previously afraid of using.
When we are ashamed - our core being is shaken and traumatized and re-traumatized and it is painful. It is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. It messes up with thinking process, and default our thinking into fear personality where there is a lot of fawning and catastrophizing and self blame - happening quickly, going from zero to 100 in nanosecond.
And that I am not aware that there are two separate problems going on -
1 toxic person being toxic - and that toxic person is the problem
2 my automatic shame reactions and catastrophic beliefs that keep me in automatic fawning responses which are shameful on their own, creating new waves of shame additional to already present one.
And from my perspective - this two problems are merged into one - so I am unable to blame or attack or discuss or defend from the cause of social anxiety - toxic person. Instead - I believe that I am the problem, that I am the sole problem and that I am creating social anxiety and shame.
Toxic shame is learned conditioned problem - it is process that can only form in ACE ACoA shaming ambient while growing up and when we are exposed to long term narcissistic abuse. So when toxic shame arises inside - it is because we are infected with the virus. Virus is not our personality, virus of toxic shame is not us - and if we are not aware of it, we will start to build persona of victimhood and act accordingly - which does not help with making better decisions.
So there is a viscious cycle - we have toxic shame due to trauma in the past, then we experience trauma in the present which triggers past shame - and we end up feeling new shame for feeling shame, new anxieties for feeling old anxiety - and this feeds itself in infinite loop cycle. This loop must be broken - and there is only one way - to accept myself and my flaws and my feelings and imperfections - and stop hiding them, stop masking them. And instead of pretending to be someone else in order to impress other people - that I accept my persona, myself as I am - with all my flaws and annoyances.
This part is personality disorder - this inability to be oneself - and instead being hooked onto fearing what other people might approve. It is feeling shame when someone is angry at us for not fulfilling their expectations of standards that they believe must be obeyed. When we make any kind of mistake.
What exactly would happen if I stop caring right in this moment what other people think about me?
This question depends, as much as social anxiety- on social situation. What people? What situation? It is not the same as not caring what bunch of strangers think about me when I make small insignificant mistake or flaw or if I exhibit lack of data in the public - and I appear funny and stupid in the eyes of bunch of unknown people. Versus the situation at job where I am yelled and screamed at because I did not perform perfectly and I made supposed mistake - which actually in reality is not obeying the tyrannical person's expectations.
The difference is in afterwards- the consequences. What happens afterwards? Do I get or receive some kind of punishment. And what type of punishment? Is it verbal scorn? Is it physical attack, violence? Is it gossip? Mocking and bullying and how long it will last - is it one time, one incident that happens once - and is it fair - do I deserve it - do I need to defend myself and in what manner? Or is it chronic punishment that repeats itself for the next 30 years or more - where another person may shame me in public by punishing me or gossiping me and adding new fantasy lies stories on top of the original event.
This is narcissistic abuse. This is something that psychopaths are doing.
Normal healthy people do not go to extreme - they say their needs - and move on. The problem is when I shut up and when I do not say my side of story. Perhaps the other person has unrealistic expectations about certain matter - about some action and they believe this must be done perfectly - because they are mentally ill. Then do I need to correct them. How can I correct someone who is mentally ill - when mentally ill person is devoted to their fantasy delusions and people with personality disorder will experience immense cognitive dissonance when confronted with different information.
Obvious solution is gray rock - to ignore such people - but ignoring their screaming and criticism will not stop them from being abusive and harming us repeatedly.
What I learned is to fawn and people please them - and I am talking about situation where I cannot cut toxic contact - like job or family dynamics. Without finances - we cannot move on and move away. We are stuck with toxic people who are difficult and who are devoted in unfair power dynamics, where all other people must obey to their demands and expectations, their needs. And our needs, our struggles, our limitations are non-negotiable and should be repressed. Because they are tyrants.
CBT expects us to heal social anxiety issues with exposure - which means we are forced to stop caring about tyrants. That we stop caring what perpetrators claim, demand, explain, shame. In reality - that will reduce us to punishment - some sort or another. Either through direct attack, or backstabbing or gossiping and ruining our reputation openly or covertly. Yet - with social anxiety trauma we weight on whether the pain of not caring is less than the pain of fawning and going along with the abusers - by pleasing them and their needs. And worrying about them consequently. Psychopaths want to see us cry and be hysterical and to admit that we are wrong and that we crumble down - that is their narcissistic supply - that they are in power position and that we must do what they demand of us.
I see another huge issue with people pleasing and fawning and caring what other people think - it is aggression and anger and rage as response to psychopaths or rude people in any manner or form.
If we are in situation - like social anxiety - where we are oppressed and shamed and forced to do something that is difficult and hard for us - the only way to defend ourselves - is anger and rage and direct conflict. And I believe with social anxiety trauma - this anger and expression of anger was suppressed and therefore there is a huge reservoir or rancour inside us. When we have social anxiety - that is in the form of people pleasing and fawning - we suppressed huge amount of anger and rage and rancour deep inside us. When we stop caring what other people think - this rage will come out. And if we lose control - we might turn social anxiety what was initiated into in the first place - narcissistic disorder with narcissistic rage.
The people who trigger us into social anxiety are mentally ill - they are psychopaths and narcissists - and they use their power position, their job position, their authority to abuse others. And I believe with trauma we learned that we must be silent, that we must fix other people, be worried what they think about us and we must be sure that they think only good conclusions about us - and this is recipe for being exploited in life and that we end up with fears and panic - since we do not have any kind of defenses against people who cross boundaries.
So the problem is - how to treat such people who are psychopaths and narcissists - they are either mentally ill or simply evil - how we confront those people and make some kind of defense against them - that is healthy and safe and that will not make us mentally ill.
It is obvious that this anger and rage needs to be expressed. Silencing ourselves is wrong. Self censorship is wrong. People pleasing toxic people may curb their full blown aggression - but they are still toxic. Toxic people will abuse us regularly.
The problem also lies in our confidence and in our self. With trauma - we do not have self reliance. We believe we are inept - and people pleasing and social anxiety emotions and toxic people -keep us trapped in firm toxic shame belief that we do not deserve respect and that our needs do not matter and that we should put ourselves last - after we took care of all other people's feelings, problems and issues that they have - and then feel responsible for their troubles as our own duty to fix them.
The reality is - that toxic oppressive people are rare. They cannot exist - since they are self destructive. So chances are that I won't meet toxic people as much as they appear in my worries and panic and overstimulation hours, when I ponder and have triggers and flashbacks of past abuse.
With social anxiety trauma and triggering situations there are deep and harmful and painful surge of shame emotions and beliefs that are taking place inside - that appear as one storm entity but in fact it is comprised of conflicting emotions of toxic shame:
1) that I must feel obligation to fix someone's problems and demands
2) that if I refuse that there will be doom
3) that I must be good and nice person who is suppressing his anger and reactions to aggressive person which means self silence and self censorship
4) that when I shut up and be civilized - that I will worry about this for the rest of my life, it will come up as intrusive worry and flashbacks over and over again
5) if I speak up and say something that there will be fear of punishment
6) if punishment did happen - this will be marked as new fear and avoidance and I will now avoid specific events, people or situations - and I will generalize drama and hysteria on totally new events, people or situations.
I believe with social anxiety - when we are triggered - it is because it is only when we face toxic psychopathic narcissistic mentally ill evil people. And we don't know how to handle such people. And current contemporary psychiatry is misleading us with tips and tricks that are related to mentally healthy people - such as being assertive and kind and talkative. That does not work with psychopaths.
When we talk about social anxiety healing - there needs to be healing in the external - toxic people and internal - toxic shame. CBT is focused only and exclusively on the internal and the solutions proposed from CBT are dysfunctional and create more illness.
So if there is amazing tip and trick advice about social anxiety that is partially distilled version of dissociation and forgetting bad stuff - that this particular advice will not work in real life- if we are surrounded by toxic people, if we live in shame culture country that is triggering us into flashbacks and triggers all the time through unfair criticism, aggression, manipulation and control by greedy and mentally ill evil people.
No standard solution will work for social anxiety because toxic shame is buried in our subconsciousness that we cannot access with logic or thinking or worrying or analyzing. Plus social anxiety ticks tricks and tips advice won't work with rude people - since those people who are aggressive and anti-social are not human. So human advice won't work with a machine and shell, someone who is mechanical and out of this world, who does not obey to social written and unwritten social standards nor rules. Then the obvious solution is to reject eject and fence off anti-social person - if it is not possible to do it in person through shooing them off - we need to mentally reject the Satan. I do not know any other word how to describe this evil entity that are evil people. Civilized, scientific analytical human part of us can't do this - because these etheric beliefs are not part of civilized human kind. And then we end up being stuck with evil people - we try to assimilate and adapt to evil people - and then end up with mental illness in our honest authentic attempts to be at peace with evil people who are devoted into creating drama, destruction and hysteria just for fun, with no reason at all but their personal gain, greed and black hole of fulfilling their selfish needs.
The solution would be to try standard advice from psychology.
This means - setting boundaries in the form of giving feedback to toxic person where we do state what we want from them. If they scream - stop screaming at me. If they demand - please be courteous. Telling clearly to hysterical person what we want from them. And I know that any person with social anxiety knows that this won't work in 99% of cases.
Toxic person will curse us back, make reaction formation and accuse us of being overly sensitive and stupid and weird and abnormal. DARVO is common response from the evil people.
I would see that it is reasonable to try this boundary setting no matter of past failures. This way we are giving word of warning and alarm - that in the future we will cut this people out and never speak with them and that we do not want them around.
Another problem with rejection sensitivity is that most trauma stems from first time incidents. If we did not avoid - we would eventually people please and go along with predator's request and adapt to their wishes and requirements. This way they would not attack us as the first time. This of course is not healthy - because masking and people pleasing leads to us being fake person that is slave to the oppressor.
The central problem is the perpetrator. They cannot stand mistakes, flaws and lack of knowledge in other people - because this shakes their fantasy delusions about how world and people should look and appear like to them. So they will feel rage and be aggressive when we make any kind of error in their eyes, when we are not perfect. And this will always happen in one time incident situations, when we do something for the first time.
It is important to realize that our panic, overstimulation, trauma and toxic shame - will overgeneralize these first time incidents - and we will introject toxic people's expectations that we must never ever make mistakes or appear flawed - and that we must be severely punished and feel bad when we make any kind of error - even though when something is done for the first time - errors are totally normal part of process of learning and doing stuff.
When we over-generalize mistakes as bad and when we do not see that doing something for the first time is painful due to totally unavoidable mistakes - we will reject life, we will think why bother anyway and we will become passive and avoid life and social anxiety will flourish. This social anxiety is not the same social anxiety as unknown fear of embarrassment. This secondary social anxiety is fear of making mistakes.
Social anxiety is suppressed anger and inability to express our outrage on someone's unfair behavior. Behind this suppression and anger lies urge to depend on what other person thinks about us. It is very important to us that other people do not have negative thoughts about us. And this inability to be okay with someone having wrong thoughts about us and wrong conclusions about us is compelling us to feel social anxiety. Let other people have wrong conclusions. We believe that their conclusions will somehow punish us. That there will be the end of the world if they think wrongly about us. Let it go. Let them go with whatever conclusions they have. It is not ours to change them. We can speak up - expressing our thoughts is important. In reaction to this fear of what someone might think about us in critical manner - we have both reactions of fear and panic and desire to people please in order to fawn to them - and this includes self censorship and silence and obedience. Thinking that if we speak up - we need to get into conflict - and this inability to be okay with someone's wrong conclusions about us is driving us to be either super quiet or super hysterical like Karen.
This is related to narcissism because of dominance - in ACE ACoA we learned that dominance patriarchy way of interaction is the only way to socialize. Being either angry and nagging and complaining or on the other spectrum - to be quiet and afraid. And we cannot step back and see that this is dominance game. And we do not need to play its rules. We can play normal healthy sane rules instead.
This means being okay that someone may label us as cowards. As abomination, as abnormal. Simply being okay with them having those labels about us - and in the same time - that we continue with doing our task, our goals, expressing ourselves and not trying to hide our mistakes and vulnerabilities.
It is us about realizing that we have conditioned fear that we will be punished somehow for someone having some kind of negative conclusions about us.
Healing would be that we do not take on the game of being concerned about those conclusions. When we are going along with belief that we must be worried about what someone thinks about us - we end up in this dominance game which will keep us sick and afraid and develop all sorts of unnecessary defense defensive mechanisms that will keep us in prison of toxic shame.
I believe while growing up we were in new life new situation and we made mistake after mistake. And we try hard to do good and be perfect at anything. And in such state - we learn that we must appease someone in authority and in power over us. And if this person in authority is mentally ill narcissistic psychopathic person who is concerned in dominance and putting others down - our mental outlook in doing things in life will be destroyed and skewed with the need to worry what other people think about us, trying to be super good and without mistakes and worrying so much what someone thinks about us - and this becomes so consuming and self consuming that nothing else exists in life but to be without mistakes so that other people think good about us and have good conclusions and good image of us - that our identity is shifted all the time as we think someone might approve of it. This way we learn to suppress anger and to fawn and to be silent and to have toxic shame. Anything becomes source of shame.
Social anxiety is connected to destroyed Self - where due to ACE and ACoA I do not know what I want and who I am. And then there is central motor of social anxiety: what other people think about me. The highlight here is that social anxiety is narcissistic outlet - there is belief that I must change other people what they think about me without being aware of it. I am not aware that I want to influence other people's image about me. I am aware that other people's opinion should not matter - and that is why social anxiety advice is not working. It is not about blocking what other people think - it is about allowing others to freely think whatever they think. The narcissistic part is totally unaware belief that I must influence other people through my behavior of people pleasing and doing what I think will be approved by others. Because this is manipulation - and it is totally outside of my awareness. It is like I am dictator of country and I must influence other people to think in approved manner. Without being aware of this at all.
I think the problem with CBT why it doesn't work is this Self part. That Self is ignored, it is not explained, and I believe it is because there is fear from the system that anything other then neurotypical behavior, herd mentality, conformism is dangerous - that some people who are anti-social will become full blown psychopaths - because they won't care what other people think about their actions and behavior and violence. Without explanation what is Self. With CBT exposure I will care what other people think and I won't know what happens when I say who cares. Because I think I still have to please other people by pretending or overcompensating or masking myself. And I am not aware that I try hard to control what other people think.
With trauma I end up believing that I must people please others by performing in socially accepted manner that everyone will approve including this person, and yet in the same time that I am not allowed to have my own thoughts. And if the other person is angry, that what I say must be perfect and approved by some imaginary high authority - and my job is to discover this and until then I must feel bad about myself for not being perfect.
As if my job is to be perfect and to align my actions and words in socially acceptable manner but this secret way of thinking and behaving must somehow align with what the other person is thinking about. And since I do not have any feedback due to either fear of asking what other person think or knowing how crazy and demeaning is to ask someone to approve and validate me, that I am their slave, that I am stuck in unknown state where I float in the limbo state where my actions and opinions depends on reaction of other people - even those who are totally unrelated and totally meaningless to me, they have no meaning in my life - total strangers. And this even includes automated app machines and even mirrors that I mistake as someone standing there.
What is worse - I do rebel in some areas. Like not eating meat - or clothing or music or not going along with herd mentality like watching certain popular sports - and then I believe mistakenly that I am not caring what other people think - because I am radically different in some small ways. This is the same way as I believe that eating small portions of junk food I am not damaging my health - because after all I cut all the sugar.
Advocate
Your full personality type code is INFJ-T
Advocates are quiet visionaries, often serving as inspiring and tireless idealists.
78% Introverted
Introverted individuals tend to prefer fewer, yet deep and meaningful, social interactions and often feel drawn to calmer environments.
85% Intuitive
Intuitive individuals are very imaginative, open-minded, and curious. They value originality and focus on hidden meanings and distant possibilities.
76% Feeling
Feeling individuals value emotional expression and sensitivity. They place a lot of importance on empathy, social harmony, and cooperation.
83% Judging
Judging individuals are decisive, thorough, and highly organized. They value clarity, predictability, and closure, preferring structure and planning to spontaneity.
82% Turbulent
Turbulent individuals are self-conscious and sensitive to stress. They feel a sense of urgency in their emotions and tend to be success-driven, perfectionistic, and eager to improve.
https://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality
What are the consequences of having a distorted looking glass? feelings, or a negative self-image.
https://wa01001786.schoolwires.net/cms/lib/WA01001786/Centricity/Domain/70/Socialization%20Notes.pdf
-
wiki:
SAD is sometimes referred to as an "illness of lost opportunities" where "individuals make major life choices to accommodate their illness"
-
wiki
The Face-in-the-crowd task shows that individuals with social anxiety are faster at detecting an angry face in a predominantly neutral or positive crowd or slower at detecting happy faces than a non-anxious person
-
wiki
Attention bias
Individuals who tend to experience more social anxiety turn their attention away from threatening social information and toward themselves, prohibiting themselves from challenging negative expectations about others and maintaining high levels of social anxiety.[21] For example, a socially anxious individual may perceive rejection from a conversational partner, turn their attention away, and never learn that the individual is actually welcoming
-
. When confronted with challenging social situations, individuals with SAD shift their attention toward their anxiety, view themselves negatively as a social object, overestimate the negative consequences of a social encounter, believe that they have little control over their emotional response, and view their social skills as inadequate to effectively cope with the social situation.
In order to avoid social mishaps, individuals with SAD revert to maladaptive coping strategies, including avoidance and safety behaviors, followed by post-event rumination, which leads to further social apprehension in the future.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2151931/
-
-
Cognitive distortions are a hallmark and are learned about in CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy). Thoughts are often self-defeating and inaccurate.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety_disorder
Recent studies have identified a number of psychological factors that could explain the maintenance of the disorder. These factors are presented here as part of a comprehensive psychological maintenance model of SAD. This model assumes that social apprehension is associated with unrealistic social standards and a deficiency in selecting attainable social goals.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2151931/
vulnerable individuals exaggerate the probability of a negative outcome of a social situation and overestimate the potential social costs (Foa, Franklin, Perry, & Herbert, 1996; Hofmann, 2004).
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2151931/
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
May 6
Please stop telling survivors that god brought trauma into their life to help them ‘grow’ and it’s their ‘cross to bear’. That is just more abuse. A perpetrator brought trauma into their life.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
May 5
If you’re trying to help a survivor, you should ask yourself “Is this what I want? Or is this what the survivor needs?”
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
May 5
You don’t need to forgive yourself. You need to realize YOU didn’t do anything wrong.
اسمين
@chebakiiia
May 6
Defending any celebrity like you know them is mental illness
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
May 5
What you think someone would/wouldn’t do has nothing to do with what they are in fact doing.
#childabuseawareness #believeprotectdefend
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
May 6
Just because a lot of people go along with an abusive narrative, whether they’ve been manipulated to or they’re sociopathic themselves, doesn’t make it normal or acceptable
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨
@_Pammy_DS_
I love people who are highly aware of their worth but highly humble too and never look down on anyone.
#BeTheBear 🐻
@BeTheBearToday
The only people who deny the existence of an obvious problem are those who want the problem to continue.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
May 5
For me it wasn’t ‘forgiveness’ that finally ‘set me free’. It was putting all the blame, shame, guilt, and responsibility on the perpetrator that finally released his hold over me.
What is unhealthy coping?
Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms | Charlie Health
Unhealthy coping skills tend to avoid or suppress underlying issues, providing temporary relief without addressing the root causes. This avoidance prevents you from finding sustainable solutions and can perpetuate the cycle of distress. Additionally, reflect on the long-term consequences of your coping mechanisms.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms - Charlie Health
https://www.charliehealth.com/post/what-are-unhealthy-coping-mechanisms
A lot of content on mental health in mainstream media does not cover the unique corner that survivors of narcissistic abuse live in. Not one mention of being in any kind of toxic relationship. “Avoid your triggers” is not easy in narcissistic relationships. When the discomfort is living in your house or down the street or in the next office. It was not even rumination, but reality. And the constant exposure means you don't get a break.
🟥 DoctorRamani
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uusKWmjUk6k
By absorbing the media’s messages people accepted society’s rules and values as their own; they realized that to step beyond them would seem neurotic. The possibility of rebellion has effectively been quashed:
Herbert Marcuse (1898-1979)
DK The Sociology Book
US sociologist Robert Agnew insists that anomie,
or strain theory (1992), can be used to explain crime and deviancy but should not be tied to class.
DK The Sociology Book
(9.5.2024)
With social anxiety CPTSD trauma I am not even allowed to think how other people are awful in order to stop worrying what they think about me. Because then I would feel catastrophe and being hopeless because trauma tells me I am weak, I cannot fight the corruption and drama and violence and everyone is horrible person. Plus - it is not about stopping the worry what other people think. It is about allowing others to think about me whatever they come up with in their minds.
Sam Vaknin's Nothingness concept is Radical Acceptance. It is about accepting that other people have their conclusions and not doing anything about it, not changing oneself to please their narrative and pre-emptively change other people's minds all the time.
Toxic shame is like imposter, it sticks itself onto moral judgment that superimpose itself what is good and evil and then it is brutal, toxic shame is self abusive then and its judgement is turned into torture like Spanish Inquisition - where it rationalizes its self abuse with high standards. This is exactly the same way how psychopaths and NPDers come into positions of power - since they appear as police judicial system that has power to punish the wrongdoers - and this punishment soon turns into abuse and torture of the most vulnerable people those who were already traumatized and people who carry Complex Trauma on their backs already.
This self abuse and discipline and punishments end up as another byproduct that leads to borderline hysterical behavior: I end up distrusting my common sense and I end up making erratic decisions in life, quickly without pausing to think - since I am jump scared into making decisions. Coerced into making detrimental decisions that lead to toxic habit and this quick scared decision making becomes toxic habit itself.
I end up believing that other people will approve something -without actually stopping and thinking it thoroughly and analytically at all. I end up with negative politeness where I make even damage for being hypnotized into belief that I am doing something good what the other person not only will approve but it will be pleasant for them - without thinking if this action is normal, rational, good and needed at all. I end up making mistakes and errors and damage - and other people's criticism over such mistakes end up as rejection sensitivity and huge anger and rage over other people not appreciating my trials and attempts to please them in the first place.
When any person that suffers from social anxiety symptoms seeks official medical help about this issue - the social anxiety here is described from the backdoor. CBT and DSM are entering the scene of a crime from the back passage. However it appears to us that their definitions and treatment for social anxiety do not work in most ways. And that is because CBT and DSM are focused and observing the end product of the disorder. The disorder part in social anxiety is avoidance, when we don't move due to fear and when we feel the distress in social situations. CBT and DSM do not investigate what social situations. They do not describe what symptoms are from all potential and possible and real angles. They do not see what is going on through real investigation - but instead they come to the crime scene from the back door - without us being aware of this and without CBT and DSM telling us that they entered to our urgency from the end. And this is problem - because CBT and DSM will not see what our front line looks like - only our byproducts, only our behavior. Without us knowing the thinking part, emotional part - we really tap in the dark here. We are like in a dark basement trying to get around - and using only the information what might be in the room by us bumping into random objects in the dark and supposing that objects are the same as the rest of the house and as if the objects are known to us. However due to darkness - we do not really see the objects - we only feel them and go along with what the narrative is - which may be false. Until we observe what is the matter - we really do not know what we are dealing with.
Basically most people are liars - especially those who pose as super confident. They have build the fake mask that appears cool and dominant - but all that is a mechanism, set of defense mechanisms that are so strong, like any other narcissistic mask. And this mask is suppose to help them feel better about themselves - as long as others are admiring and not asking too much questions, as long as they do not criticize or attack in any way. And the way to achieve this is through money and power and influence and pretending to be super smart and super confident and super capable. One way to keep this mirage is to attack and put down those who notice the cracks in the mask, people who are sensitive and who crack under pressure - where masked people will always come on the top. The sensitive person will always be the one with drama and the masked person will always be above, self righteous and appear as if nothing effects him or her. Another way to keep this image mirage of fake mask of super social confidence is to abuse and put down the selected targets - people who buy into this mask. And additional help is to make network of people in power and authority who keep the masked people afloat. So there is no punishment, no open discussion, their errors are ignored or erased or scapegoated into someone who is easy to scapegoat: socially anxious person, someone traumatized, someone stuck in complex trauma.
With worrying what kind of conclusions will someone think about my, my character - I end up with negative politeness. This is how I end up in recursive thinking - because pleasing someone is endless job that is unable to be over. Negative politeness leads to self sabotage because it makes a person making decisions at own detriment - while the other person may not even ask for help or space or service or fixing at all. I end up pruning my ideas and then feel shame about anything I do or try to and what I am considering about to do.
It ends up that toxic shame is a fake interpreter of disgust and anger.
Toxic shame takes over the job of evaluation and then ashames self for having strong reactions to toxic people, hence warping reality and explanations in such manner that there is nothing else but self doubt and constant state of confusion - that can only be fulfilled through negative politeness, people pleasing and depending on what other person thinks or say critically about or approves or invalidates about.
Without awareness that worrying about other people is resolved by allowing people to have whatever conclusions and doing nothing about it to please their narrative - without education about this - anyone will be aware of their people pleasing and fawning issues, only to overcompensate. Overcompensation the looking glass self leads to masking and spending focus, time and money on seeking how to create functional, highly functional defense mechanisms. And this then ends up as recursive thinking. And it ends up as shared fantasy - without person being aware that their whole world is immersed and joined with what other person may think about and then avoiding danger of making them annoyed. In another words - codependency.
It's the toxic people who are the cause of disorder, the magical thinking and worrying. Looking glass self means that our identity is based on what other person thinks about us - and this is problem when we make decisions based on what they are thinking. Yet when we base our identity on our needs, our true self and our common sense and GPS - we will build life and make connections based on what makes us happy - choosing the life that suits, which is custom made for us. However here is the catch: toxic people are in power. They put themselves on the lookout points where we are narcissistic supply for them. Like game animals roaming in the woods - they are predators who are on the lookout. So our needs like food or contact with others and doing anything about - is superimposed over us. And here lies the trick.
The idea that I must not be mistaken - is narcissistic supply to them.
Idea that I must not be humiliated and that I am not humble - is making me narcissistic supply.
Also, desire to fight with predators and to show them who is the boss and cause them injury - is being narcissistic supply to them. In reality power hungry predators will never ever change who they are, their goals in life, their personality disorder - it will never change no matter how much I scream at them, make drama and hysteria and fight with them.
Then - the best solution is to relocate.
And in real life - toxic people will be everywhere. And yet paradoxically nowhere. They will hide their self - since showing everyone they are toxic will not be good for their career and ability to attract new victims. Plus, toxic people will always be found because problems are everywhere. Everyone is toxic at some point - true toxic people are toxic through the pattern and through their role that they cannot escape from. This means - we need this looking glass self - where we accept that toxic people will have their conclusions - and allow them to think whatever they want, while in the same time turning their backs on them, literally or in our minds - and doing what we wanted to do, and what we need to do in life. The central focus here is that other people's thinking who we are is not the trigger for us to change our course in life, our directions, our stride.
Literally at any situation where
1) we are doing something new that we have no experience about so we make mistakes and don't know how to do it
2) where we need service and help from lazy angry arrogant people
- we will encounter toxic people. Toxic people will
1) criticize and be hysterical about us not being perfect, and they will be vocal how abnormal we are and how no kind of mistake is allowed, and if we make mistake - that we are now marked as rejected good for life
2) we will be left rejected and without needs that we need to do - since toxic people will be in power position refusing to help, answer, co-operate.
So - we will experience injustice - and blocked passages. We will be embarrassed and fall short. The humility of being the last one, the one who couldn't make the job done - will be less stressful with knowing the looking glass self theory.
While the attempt to set rules straight with toxic people is futile - this does not mean that self censorship is the way to go. Telling the truth, speaking the facts - are healthy and needed. This is where our empathy gets its place - the ability to know when we may go over-board, and when to tactically not create hysteria and unnecessary drama - and to know when things are best left unsaid. Toxic people do not care about this at all - their goal is to torture others, manipulate and exert control over others.
And that is the core of looking glass self theory - where I no longer base my decisions and conclusions in life on other people's expectations and their thinking. It begs the central question: would I still be kind person even when this is not limited by other people anymore? Would I do good - when I am not paid for that job? When there is no reward - in any form, to be good and nice.
Because even if I do not have money, if I do not have protection and mothership helping me out - that my true Self will not be infected by hysteria of other people - because I have security and wealth in things, people and concepts which are not associated with what some random person may think about me. And in the same time - that I fulfill my time with values that I know are best for me and that are not depended on other people's admiration.
When my self identity is no longer depended and hooked and bonded with other person's thinking - I will be left on my own common sense as GPS direction and decision making process will mean I am no longer in prison of toxic shame. Toxic shame plays the huge role in looking glass theory. Toxic shame is when I am out there, when I do things - either things that are daily tasks or some extraordinary task like job interview or conflict or being in situation where the other person is hysterical yet I need to contact such person - it is toxic shame that will make me believe that I am wrong - even when the event is over. That is the key - that afterwards I no longer feel in prison and burdened. In the moment - when I need to face my fears and when there is overstimulation - I will make mistakes, I won't know what to do and what is the best choice and gravity of going back to old habits like people pleasing will be too great - especially when I am doing it for the first time and when I am in the process of learning that I accept that other person is toxic and has bad opinions about me - it is about having compassion for myself first and foremost - and knowing that I do not need to fix other person, help them, especially if they are rude and anti-social and that I do not need to make them feel comfortable at my own expense - and that I talk the truth.
The idea here is to go along with neurodivergent theory - that I do not judge my decisions which may be labeled as wrong. CBT labels avoidance as sickness. Yet - if I am in toxic shame culture, if I am in power balance where someone in authority is mentally ill - it is natural to cut contact and avoid such person. So it is about trusting my reactions are normal - it is only the toxic ambient that is the problem and needs to be addressed and resolved by shifting my world into healthier space - possibly where I can cut contact with toxic people away. Then the healthy process would be that I trust my thinking and that I do not base my conclusions of what other person may think - without fighting toxic people, and allowing toxic people to be toxic and that they harbour their anger and hatred towards me. To allow this to happen. Whatever emotions that they may contemplate - that I allow them.
The goal here is that I am no longer peaceful and nice and kind - as this behavior would be based on the fear of what other person might think about me.
But the goal instead, to be mentally healthy - is to be kind and peaceful because it is value that I want to keep in myself without linking it to what other person might think about me - PLUS - that I know that I can be totally loving and peaceful and still talk the truth and speak my mind and ask for what I want. Without being depended on opinion and admiration and admitting of toxic person that they were wrong - that I would desire to hear from them.
Basically in relation to other people - it is the question how much manipulation, control, negative behavior we are willing to put up with, what is our threshold tolerance to toxicity of other people.
CBT and self help industry and social anxiety coaches are based on discipline and routines and instruction how to overcome social anxiety. However this is control and manipulation. The social anxiety "cure" needs to come from the easiness of making decisions - not on the spasms and punishments and guilt shame feelings when we fail to reach the discipline and self imposed goals of trying to beat the fear. Otherwise - we will end up feeling social anxiety about social anxiety. We will be trapped in looking and overlooking our symptoms, what we speak and say - and this will cause social anxiety. Social anxiety stems from the attempt to appear perfect and good while in the same time we evade someone's negative comments about us. So when we follow CBT - we are placing ourselves into codependency of what other people think about us - and we base our worth on how well we are accepted, acknowledged by others - and this is social anxiety, looking glass self.
CBT advice to go to shopping to talk to workers in shopping centre is not only advice that doesn't work, but it is a form of nudging us into direction of consumerism - that DSM was based on in 1950s historically. Plus it is power dynamics implied - that we are hopeless losers who cannot think straight and then we need some authority in form of saints and saviors and helpers to grab us by back of the neck and carry us into safety- which for unknown reasons we do not have mental capacity to do it ourselves - and there is message that we must depend on other people to direct us in life. This will never help us reach mental health. We will be stuck in codependency and toxic shame, of constantly believing that our core self is abnormal and that only what someone powerful approves is the only way how to manage and do things in life.
With toxic person around, when we live in shame culture ambient - our decisions and ideas will be hijacked by predators. Their criticism, their annoyances, their comfort will be central focus of our decisions, actions, thoughts - we will end up being slave to someone's comfort in order to avoid their hysteria, rage, shame, guilt tripping. We cannot change their behavior - and this is problem when we cannot leave them and stay in chronic contact with them, trauma bonded - the realization that my worth can exist even though they are aggressive and predatory can help with allowing our own ideas pop up and appear. When we are not aware that we are allowed to have our self beside monsters and predators - we can start to nourish ourselves and keep our inner garden with fruits that are helpful for us. Their poison is killing us. Our vitamins and immunity is when we realize we can have our own ideas and actions independent of their demands, convictions, criticism, complaints, mocking, shaming and control and manipulation.
CBT is basing social anxiety theories on DSM biased research and ABC methodology - while in the same time totally ignoring sociology and sociologist. CBT will claim that we cannot be influenced by others, that other people cannot influence our mind unless we agree - and sociologist tell us that society is shaping our identity. This way CBT is ideology and fascist like entity that is forcing us to become the same, that we conform to the rules which someone in authority and power is placing upon us with the hope that someone is benign and good and kind and nice and that this powerful figure has no evil agenda behind the groupthink herd mentality conformism. And we know that narcissists are attracted to power, to the any kind of powerful position - psychopaths too. The chances are that anyone in power is mentally ill and evil - because normal people do not seek ways how to control and manipulate others into submission and control and ordering how they are suppose to act, talk, behave and think.
With social anxiety and anyone in narcissistic abuse situation - such individual will think and believe that the source of toxic stress must be cured and that we need to discover some magical functioning that will prevent us from reacting badly to toxic people and somehow improve us to become super confident person who is not affected by criticism. While in reality this criticism part can be remedied by accepting and allowing other people to think whatever they want - but the pain and hurt and fear and panic will still be there. The only difference is that we won't feel any more additional unbearable suffering, additional depression and self defeat that we feel when we are inside Looking glass self.
CBT and self help industry is promoting idea that we need to do certain things right which are not defined as mental health. Mental health is when our self worth and our actions are not plagued by other people's conclusions about us. And that is it. Anything else in life - our goals in life - are not needed to be our focus of changing inside us. As long as we are not anti-social and criminal - there is nothing inside us that requires our discipline and nitpicking and focus.
I believe that in case of toxic ambient, where for example most people gossip and find faults in others, where there is shame culture - of criticizing others and attitude of not forgiving - that person can easily develop all sorts of mental health issues without doing anything ill - simply being exposed to toxic people is enough. And also, it is crucial to remove oneself from such toxic ambient. It is always healthy that our self worth and our identity and our actions are not based on what other person may think about it - however if we are in unfavorable power dynamics - we won't have chance to be ourselves, since anything outside of social norm for such system will be mocked, attacked, ignored, invalidated.
Other people are liars, they have hidden agenda - on one side there are psychopaths. On the other side there are people who fake pretend not to be bothered by snide remarks, as if withstanding criticism and rude people is sign of competition of being an adult and strong person who is able to be better human being. This way there is rationalization of toxic people being normal where our job is to turn our head around and pretend that someone being toxic is not affecting us. And then perpetrators walk away free - since nobody sees the elephant in the room, except sensitive people and anyone who is authentic and speaks the truth.
Problem with this approach of ignoring toxic people is shared fantasy. We end up living by the standards that toxic people set up. Toxic people have agenda, they are greedy, they are pathological liars - so if we pretend that they do not bother us - we play by their rules. Shared fantasy ends up as trauma bonding, as Sam Vaknin says entraining. And then we end up being hooked and stuck with toxic people. From my perspective I am either a victim or someone who fake pretends to be strong, while in reality I am creating all sorts of defense mechanisms in order to compensate and overcompensate toxic person's criticism and assaults and lies. When we try hard to be strong and to suppress emotions and reaction to toxic people - when we resort to defense mechanisms and masking and overcompensations and pretending that they do not bother us - we are still trauma bonded with toxic people. And neurotypical and self help industry advice is - to not care, to stop carrying what other people think, the advice is fragmented into unnecessary advice about symptoms and advice around social skills that are not the root of the problem, neither they influence the root of the problem.
The root of the problem - is inability to accept toxic people. Solution is to accept them, not to try to change them. Just allow them to be toxic. Anything other than that creates the disorder. Trying to control the chaos - leads to more chaos. Allowing other people to be toxic - mentally. And this is what socially anxious people already are doing - fawning and people pleasing - in order not to rock the boat, negative politeness. However the big difference is in the mentality. People pleasing and fawning stems from reaction formation - feeling suppressed anger and then going to the opposite direction - to please other people. By allowing other people to be toxic yet supporting myself and my goals and my values and my ideals and my common sense - there will be no fawning. It may appear as fawning and people pleasing to the third party - but there is a huge difference - where my decisions, ideas, self worth is not depended on toxic people's comments, their criticism, their punishments, their demands, their intrusive behavior.
Radical acceptance hurts a lot, pain is still there - but allowing toxic people to think whatever they choose to think is not adding amplified pain to the wound. And the difference now is that I am no longer co-depended with toxic people, I do not merge in their shared fantasy. This means - that I talk freely, express myself freely without having the imagined voice of criticism or punishment as guiding light. Alongside inner critic there is also "devil on our shoulder". Trojan horse. Looking glass self - leads to this devil on shoulder.
I took personality test after the last time being 10 years ago - to check whether it has changed, especially after last 4 years where I modulate my social anxiety to be a slightly more expressive and learning more about psychological health and regulation. And it turns out my personality type did not change at all in these 10 years.
I would focus on this sentence:
"INFJs are very sensitive to criticism of any kind and can take things very personally."
I see social anxiety as Looking Glass Self problem. Anything other than that is either personality or trauma. Social anxiety comes only down to our forming our self based on what other people think. That is all. It can be quickly remedied by allowing other people to be toxic and angry and to have their own conclusions. That is the whole business with social anxiety.
Problem is CBT and self help industry that pathologizes anything slightly related to this central core Self problem. Such as being sensitive to criticism. Instead of personality disorder - being sensitive to criticism can be a part of personality - and that is what neurodivergence concept is talking about.
The only disorder is if I form my decisions on thinking what other person thinks in order to please them and going into shared fantasy in such manner of trying to soothe the other person - where in reality all I need to do is to allow people to think and suffer and have problems without me meddling into it and that I simply accept their thoughts to exist in their own bubble - without me changing my course of daily schedule or given task in order to align myself to someone's thinking. Anything other than that - such as narcissistic abuse, sensitivity to pain, criticism - is not social anxiety - it is some other matter. And it is wrong to place social anxiety pathology over any other topics such as overstimulation and panic and depression and unjust world. Because - if I start to pathologize my reactions and thinking and actions - I will self sabotage myself and shoot myself in the foot due to doubts and becoming codependent on someone's approval and validation.
CBT and self help industry leave anyone seeking genuine help - as the emotions, feelings and transgressions in trauma and abusive contact as our own fault. As if - if we only had the perfect brain, we would not be attacked. If we only had super narcissistic fake confidence, then magically all problems with toxic people would disappear. This leaves us masking, overcompensating, blaming oneself, feeling shame and guilt on top of the existing one brought on by perpetrators and evil people who are extremely manipulative in the first place.
The panic, overstimulation, trauma - is based on doing something that other person will mock, attack in some way that is painful where the other person is in some kind of authority position. Basically it s narcissistic abuse. The common theme is that the perpetrator creates drama and hysteria surrounding the question, demand - and in reality there is drama around not being perfect and it is expected of the victim to know everything perfectly - even though it is done for the first time and without ever doing it before. And the victim does not see this fact - the victim is ashamed for not knowing and for not being perfect without using these words at all - the mistake is equalized as the person's character.
Shame is paradox because it propels us to feel shame for being bad while in reality bad people are sexy and attractive, they are cool and desired by others and wanted at parties by the same masses that ashamed person feels shame about.
And the paradox is also that in case of social anxiety - person is not bad at all but only feels bad. Bad person is anti-social. Bullies end up being bad and ashaming others to be bad and the Looking glass self finishes the job. So the ashamed person should not feel shame at all. This is manufactured guilt and shame and blame by toxic people who are sick and abnormal.
Functioning of social anxiety.
I received a reply on my social anxiety comments - that my claim how social anxiety is normal reaction and everyone has it - is wrong, because social anxiety is distressing and causes people to miss out on life.
There are two basic questions about social anxiety. Why "normal" people neurotypical people find ways to suppress fear reactions? What is their secrets as opposed to someone gone through ACE. Obvious answer is conditioning - Golem Effect of being in toxic ambient of constant relentless criticism 24/7.
This leads to 2 forks in decisions how to classify social anxiety -
-I- Social anxiety is issue of wrong learned responses - and this means we can learn how to think correctly - and then we can stay in toxic ambient because we have tools to handle toxic people and abusers.
This approach is used in CBT. And by-product of this approach is conformity and not being creative enough - since toxic people will have power over us in some way or another to block our ideas. This approach causes toxic shame because we feel as lower citizens, wrong class of people - who are weak enough to get astray by toxic people and criticism, we have weak brains and something is fundamentally broken with our brain, mind, how we process information - and we must be in constant repair mode where we build and upgrade tools to handle life problems and assaults. Basically we cannot rely on our true brain self, our authentic self who we are - because it is hysterical as reaction to hysterical people - while we must be perfectionist who complies to high social standards.
-II- Social anxiety is normal and we are thinking normally - it is toxic people who are creating the disorder. This approach is based on sociology.
The idea is - that our brain is totally normal. That we miss out in life - not because our brain is pumping out panic and blocking us - but our mind is reacting to toxic ambient. And instead of learning tools to fight specific kind of toxic people and psychopaths and waste our time money and focus on learning how to find cure for the specific virus - that we learn to love and validate ourselves as our immunity system - that won't allow virus to penetrate our cells in the first place. Learning how to handle psychopaths and toxic people would be casual, side job - not our entire life. With the first approach - we stop all life and all our intention is caught inside whirlpool of finding frenetic solution to narcissists and how to protect ourselves by finding the right tool or thinking style or some kind of order or command or magical words how to fight back against the bullies. This way we merge our brain with their fantasies and delusions - and we will trauma bond with them in such manner of trying to heal sick people. Without noticing it - we will be sucked into their black hole of madness. Evil people choose to be evil. The best mind experts in psychology have no idea how to deal and handle toxic people - so we can't find better discovery by people who are having researcher tools and money and laboratory where they measure and handle narcissistic disorder - and still have no cure for it.
The best solution is to cut contact, minimize contact and allow toxic people to believe whatever they want about us, no matter how much unfair - just allow toxic people to think and come up with ideas about us in their heads, no matter how much triggering, hooking, baiting and derogatory they are. Because it is not true. We know who we are. Their labels of shaming and guilt-tripping do not define us.
Our only way how to handle toxic people is change in the perspective - where we trust our instincts, our brain, our reactions and stop pathologizing ourselves and stop invalidating ourselves.
The first approach tells us that we must depend on other people to form our career, our fashion, our behavior and our opinions and beliefs. This is very dangerous when we live surrounded by toxic systems like political radicals or socioeconomic influences such as drug dealers or criminals.
The first approach is encouraged by mainstream media and medical industry with CBT - as automatic default therapy for social anxiety.
Look at another angle.
Person who was born deaf - they do not have language to form their thoughts. Their ability to understand and process the world depends on sign language. Their abilities to learn words rely on the help of specialized experts to teach them to find words for world around them.
When we experience ACE, ACoA - our capabilities to form words and to see different phenomena around our world is severely diminished and dimmed when we are taught to fear criticism and making mistakes from early age. We lose a specific narrow band of information - which other children have full access to. This way - other children have the basis to grow up into full adult who is able to communicate their needs. With ACE and ACoA, with constant criticism - we learn to suppress anger because it dysregulated the mentally ill people in authority around us while growing up - and this way we miss the knowledge and words and ideas and ability to see beyond the limited dome that criticism and neglect and shame and guilt tripping are placing us into - we end up being in container where beyond certain social aspects are unknown to us - and we grow into closed limited mind view how to handle conflict and toxic people - not because our brain is abnormal as the first approach tells us - but simply because we were not exposed to playground where our mind would find meaning in certain difficult situations like when our boundaries are being pushed, when we were suppose to learn from our mistakes and when we were suppose to learn that our worth is not the same as our flaws or imperfections.
CBT tries to correct this lack of information with exposure - but exposure will not help us now, as adult- because we lack crucial information that we were suppose to learn as kids. Now as adults we have limited vocabulary in our mind to explain difficult social situations in life.
And the solution is to address specific areas in our childhood life, that we learn lessons that other kids learned naturally - without being ashamed and screamed at every 5 minutes when they made any kind of step that was ashamed by mentally ill grown ups around them.
One of those messages is Looking Glass Self - where we learn to accept toxic people to think whatever toxic people choose to think about us. We learned that if someone is angry at us - that we are the cause of their problem and that our job is to fix their pain since we are responsible for them being angry or dysregulated in any kind of way.
CBT's approach is that we chase other people's approval through us learning magical social skills and through being assertive, even thought that the other person is pathological liar, manipulator and skilled criminal with charm and other socially approving socially pleasing baiting tools.
The more annoying aspect of healing social anxiety is - when we do learn lessons that we were forbidden to learn in ACE ACoA childhood - even thought this missed lessons basically ruined our life - when we learn those lessons, we won't care. Those missed lessons are so easy to understand and easy to implement. That we won't stop and think how grateful we are for them. We will simply move onto new acute problem to worry and analyze.
With the first CBT approach - when I expose to social situations and there is scrutiny and criticism - I will create additional hysteria by trying to change my reaction and remembering how to act- This will end as more anxiety. With this approach I hang stuck on thinking what other person thinks about me and I try hard to dance around it or think how to enter into conflict. With the second approach - I allow other person to call me names and to have image of me in their mind, without me trying to fix this image - and I remember that my opinion, my stance, my standpoint is as much valid as theirs are - I am not inferior to them, someone who has faulty abnormal brain.
Because the presumed symptoms that CBT is pathologizing as abnormal - are actually personality traits. It is how our personality that reacts to abnormal people.
Construct.
With trauma - we learned early on not to construct the future. Instead we learned to be in the moment but from negative place to form awareness of what is wrong and what could go wrong in the future. I believe with social anxiety we are stuck in inability to construct the solid healthy workable functional future. Instead - we have broken looking-glass self, we have broken self worth, and plenty of self doubt and black scenario that form uncertain future - that scares us. This is why Humanistic psychology works better than CBT - it reminds us to set goals and to have goals in life, where to go. When we lower the toxic expectations and when we learn to show our true colors - we can build our future without panic and anxiety.
If I am stuck in Golem Effect of believing that I am inept - I cannot form my interests in life. Which ends up as Mathew Effect - where I make decisions and some kind of goals that are not based on solid construct where I need to go in life. Toxic people, criticism blocks our awareness who we are, where we need to go and what interests us in life, without depending on someone's approval about it. A fair share of anxiety would stem from not having inner GPS, not knowing where I need to end up - and in the panic of not knowing I would make wrong decisions that breed new anxieties and panic - Mathew Effect.
-
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
Oh my god people, stop forgiving yourselves! You didn’t do anything wrong! All this shit goes to the abuser - not you!
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
May 8
Narcissistic abusers want YOU to take responsibility for the abuse trauma THEY cause.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
May 8
You have zero control over how people perceive you.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
A lot of women and men have lost good years staying loyal to toxic people.
Narcissisms.Com
@JonRhodesUK
May 10
Did you notice the narcissist treat some people MUCH better than others?
#Narcissistsmask #narcissistfacade
a n n a
@hi_its_annaleah
*for me*, trauma = not feeling safe anywhere, with anyone.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
Once toxic people know you’ll stay through anything, they’ll put you through everything.
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
A narcissist is a user. Plain and simple. When you have nothing else to offer, they will be gone, and you will be depleted in everything you offered. Do you get it now?
Lisa A. Romano
@lisaaromano1
Dealing with a narcissist can be emotionally draining and demanding. In the relationship dynamic, you might feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility to cater to their needs and validate their emotions.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
May 14
You can leave a toxic relationship, but if you don't heal what attracted you to them, you will meet them again, the same demon, just in a different person.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Without a moral compass, every crime is justified.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
May 13
Accept people as they are but place them where they belong.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
Don't be afraid of losing someone who is not grateful to have you.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
May 13
A disagreement with a toxic person will turn into a argument. A disagreement with a good person will turn into a conversation with a solution. It's important to know the difference.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
Apr 13
If survivors got half the support perpetrators get…
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨
@_Pammy_DS_
May 14
Being in a healthy relationship really taught me there's no such thing as 'that's just the way I am'. When you truly love someone, you work on those toxic traits, you learn to communicate, you actively listen to each others thoughts & feelings—you adjust, grow, and heal together.
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
May 14
Please stop giving the healed version of you to the people who have continually dismissed how much they’ve hurt you.
air
@HiiiVida
May 14
Stay away from people who lack empathy. They have no understanding of anything outside of themselves.
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
I think we often use the word "trauma" when we mean to use the word "abuse".
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
Toxic people are only nice to you when they want something.
Amy | Wellness Alchemist
@amydoublet
May 13
Trauma creates autonomic nervous system dysregulation.
It is not an identity.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
May 13
Your first instinct is usually right.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Honest people aren't afraid of the truth.
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
Run from those who try to make you pay for what others did to them in the past.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨
@_Pammy_DS_
May 15
Once you start to realize so many people are emotionally wounded children in adult bodies, you stop taking so much sh*t personally.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
People will support perpetrators and give them sympathy and understanding but they won’t do that for survivors.
The Wily Survivor
@WilySurvivor
I often hear victim/survivors say they feel stupid for investing so much time in a narcissist. I always respond: you were purposely deceived into believing they were good. You couldn't have known; everything they presented was a facade.
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
Being a cycle breaker is realizing you're not getting an apology for the hurt done to you, & instead of passing on that hurt, you heal it. It's giving voice to the parts of you who have been forced into silence. It's no longer apologizing for your desire to be set free.
LIMITLESS MIND
@limitlessmindon
Nobody tells you how hard it is to rewire your brain so you can allow amazing things to happen to you after so much trauma or hurt. Blessings exist, good people exist, and a safer life exists. Let it happen.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Your trauma conditioning is lying to you about the shame you "should" or "have to" feel about certain thoughts or impulses.
Thoughts, feelings, or impulses don't make you a "bad person"-- & self-punishment doesn't make you a "good person." That's just now how that works.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
May 17
Sometimes when you're invited, you're still not welcome.
Know the difference.
Elizabeth Shaw - Overcoming Narcissist Abuse.
@CoachElizabethS
May 18
Never defend yourself to a narcissist
whether they know you're right or not they want to watch you go crazy
trying to prove it.
Jacklena Bentley
@JacklenaB
When someone totally wants to misunderstand you deliberately, there is nothing you can do to change their mind.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
May 17
Don’t should’ve a survivor.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Highly sensitive people are not fooled by words and appearances. They notice subtle changes in your energy, tone of voice, facial expressions, & body language. They notice negative energy, bullshit, weird vibes, and sneaky shit. They responded to your intentions not your words.
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
May 17
Our abusive #narcissistic parents shame us for “being a victim” whenever we complain about their abuse because they want us to take the abuse quietly and not stand up for ourselves.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
May 18
Toxic people don't discard you for someone better. They discard you for someone who can't see their bullshit.
Narcissistic Abuse Awareness
@AwareOfTheNarc
May 17
In order to find your worth, you have to let go of anyone that doesn’t value you.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
You have to make a choice and stop entertaining nonsense.
Traits of highly sensitive person
- deeply affected by other people's moods
- not so great under pressure
- empathetic
- not a big fan of loud noises or strong smells
- sensitive to pain
- easily overwhelmed by stimuli
- rich inner life of imagination
- observant and intuitive
- feels deeply and cries often
- reacts more strongly to criticism
(27.5.2024)
Don't try to impress others.
✝️ Bible, Philippians 2-3
With ACE and ACoA we learned that impressing others means performing circus tricks and to fawn to them and keep quiet. We were taught that this is the only way to be around people. And if we are not impressing them, that we are then abnormal and sick.
In reality - we can stop impressing other people and still care for them. We can stop fawning to others and still respect others in the same time.
With trauma we learned splitting - that we either must be saints or evil, as if we are not allowed to combine as reaction to toxic and manipulative people around us. With social anxiety trauma we learn to be honest and open to completely deceptive and dangerous and manipulative evil people - revealing them our personal data which they use later on to harm us and exploit us.
We simply never learned that it is okay to be cruel to cruel people.
Constructs.
Social anxiety is by-product of trauma. Trauma is equal to abuse - any kind of abuse, most common is verbal abuse that usually precedes the physical abuse, when the target refuse to be abused, as punishment the target will be assaulted in one way or another. The true problem therefore are psychopaths. Psychopaths place us in a dark place where we do not have hope, where we do not and cannot see the light. To exit the hole, we need constructs. We need image that is real, realistic of the better and saner and healthier and safer future. That is the construct. With abuse - we do not have this. We do not have our inner GPS. Instead we have reactions, and our actions are all based on protection and making ourselves safe and we think our way in life from the hypervigilance. When we are abused we are in survival mode all the time. Our amygdala has hijacked our cortex brain - and we end up walking on egg shelves and we try hard to please the abuser through making ourselves small and my taking away our human rights in the process so that we give energy and support to the predator that is feeding on our tampering of them.
Construct is connected to shifting our attention onto the task that needs to be done. With abuse/trauma - we forget what is our task due to amygdala hijacking. Our resources are hijacked into worrying how to protect ourselves. And inner critic along with internalized toxic shame makes us believe that we must self flagellate ourselves for any problem that is at hand, small or huge one - we will be convinced that it is our fault, that we are abnormal and that we are the error. With this toxic belief - we won't get angry at abusers, we won't see them as problem. When we do not see what is the problem - we cannot find solutions. So this toxic cycle must be broken. We need to realize that social anxiety is sign, it is alarm system - that we are abused and that toxic people cause it. It is not us, as CBT is brainwashing us to believe. This is the same process for anyone being in any kind of narcissistic abuse contact.
This is much harder than it seems due to discover in IFS.
When we are triggered - we enter into another personality. And this personality forgets the helping tips. This other personality is scared - and my autism test showed that when I am triggered my personality changes into autistic one. This is why any psychological tests are relative - we are different person when we are under stress.
Any person has some degree of stubbornness and cognitive dissonance. This is why personality disorders are hard to cure - because patient will have hard time seeing and absorbing different viewpoints - even healthy ones. The protection mechanism, defense systems are so strong due to past trauma, past abuse, that people build up a cocoon which can be protection against anything painful but also anything healing, as well. When we are stuck with rigid thinking - we have cocoon mentality and we do not allow new ideas and alternative ideas inside us, we do not try something new - since we are stuck solid at one place, and idea of opening ourselves up to get hurt even more is non-imaginable. This way we end up stuck with old defense mechanisms that harm us in the long run. Such as not taking a risk, not going for new opportunities. The construct would help us break this cocoon - and see the long term goals and future that is different from the one being stuck in toxic ambient. With trauma we believe that toxic people will go along with us and that they will parasite us wherever we go, that they are permanent. With this belief it is easy to stay stuck and immobile.
Once again - shame, inner critic, triggers, trauma, fears, any kind of toxic guilt - it is all connected to abuse and predators. They are the sole problem. With cocoon we become convinced that we are the problem - that our protective mechanisms are the problem - and then we end up nitpicking ourselves - and never actually learn and educate ourselves about how to handle toxic people - who are the sole problem of trauma and any mental health issues.
Social anxiety in its purest form is Looking Glass Self being broken - and it is healed by allowing other people for form whatever disgusting hatred filled image about me in their minds and do absolutely nothing to change it.
Toxic shame and inner critic are elements that bind along with social anxiety - due to complex trauma. The wreck in thinking, wrong decisions, not doing anything in life - stem from toxic shame and inner critic. Not from social anxiety itself. Toxic shame and inner critic produce the symptoms and look-alike behavior that mimics social anxiety.
What seems like struggle with social anxiety is toxic shame and inner critic.
Both toxic shame and inner critic will appear as if I am ashamed of anything.
It is losing game. If I don't do something - I will feel shame for not doing anything. On the other hand, if I follow my instincts and do something, I will feel shame for embarrassing myself, for saying something wrong, for doing it in wrong way. For being in situation where the other person is angry and hysterical - I will feel shame for them being angry, in addition of feeling responsible for their issues, and urge to fix them. This is not social anxiety but it appears as social anxiety. This is by-product of ACE, ACoA, exposure to emotional and verbal abuse.
Natural, instinct way in interacting with people - for socially anxious will be being generous and friendly. Toxic shame and inner critic will turn this into fear of being exploited - because other people will label friendly attitude as being a pushover. Along with - experimenting with not being friendly- toxic shame and inner critic will turn this into new resource of shame and guilt and blame, that there is something wrong with me.
Well, how people exactly are exploiting me for being friendly and helpful?
If the other person is manipulative and predator - the problem is in the other person's evil intentions and exploitation. Not in me.
With toxic shame and inner critic there is a never-ending factory of pre-manufactured shoulds. Tyranny of shoulds - that keep shame and critic alive as long as I entertain shoulds in my mind through rumination and worry.
There will be shame how other person is treating me - as if I should behave in forceful way and attack the other person to prove to observers that I am valid and strong. This is closely linked to narcissism - when I actually am in defensive mode.
Then there is a doom belief and doom feeling that bad things will happen. And that I must be sad about it - because the feeling appears as real and solid as if it is the fact. The inner critic will feed on this sense of impending doom and shame will be the force to feel ashamed for having this impending doom worst case scenario going on in the mind.
Sense of doom is part of trauma - and it is connected to social anxiety by being in a fear state that keeps one frozen in state of shock. When we are frozen with shock - we do not move, we freeze, we don't ask for our rights, we don't show anger - other people have no input from us how we feel, and some people may misinterpret this shock state as something annoying to them, that they must compete with, get angry with, exploit or mock. That adds more to shock.
Sense of doom coupled with toxic shame and inner critic will keep us outside of self esteem, outside of confidence and we will get trapped in victim mentality. When we are suppose to do something innovative we won't. When we are suppose to make friends and make plans for something, we won't. Without expressing our anger, our opinion - other people will force us to do something we don't like or don't prefer. We end up masking and going along with someone else's plans and preferences.
There is no ability to ask for what I want - since I would not know what I want. And when I need something I won't be able to ask for it, due to shock already inside.
Lack of anger is crucial - because without anger - I cannot know what I dislike, I cannot protest. Without anger I cannot criticize others, that would warn and alarm them when they cross boundaries of common sense and unwritten social contracts. And there will be shame about this inability to participate in social interactions - that keep shame going on, on its own.
There is tyranny of shoulds and pre-conceived beliefs about what is correct and what is my obligation and what I am responsible for. I will end up with belief that I must be in a role of someone who is silent and always give in when someone has certain demands. Or if I should get mad, that there is only one way to show it - by being tyrannical or it won't count.
I believe toxic community plays role in toxic shame and inner critic.
I basically end up being hyper-sensitive to any criticism or sign of rejection, a wrong tone of voice, someone being angry. This way other people can control me easily. I end up being silent, obedient, without my opinion, without getting angry - and then feel shame for being scared and passive.
Identity is obvious solution - that I know who I am, what I like and what I dislike - so that I can get angry and speak my mind - instead of going along with other people's preferences and worrying how they will think about me and worrying how to impress others.
That is the tricky part. If I get angry all the time and if I cut off all annoying people - I am back at square one - being avoidant and scared of people.
Yet if I try to reason with people who are toxic - I will trauma bond with all sorts of psychopaths and narcissists who are pathological liars. Which means any kind of bonding is futile with them.
So it is crucial to know whom I am in contact with. What is my audience. How this person can hurt me? What kind of damage can they do to me?
When I am in a shock state, I will tend to have autistic traits spectrum, I will try to mask my opinions and try hard to impress others.
I don't see the solution in countering shoulds and trying hard to modify the thinking as CBT is suggesting. I see the solution in identity, finding who we are, and shifting focus away from toxic resources.
Trauma means being led by fear - pushing people away, not taking risks and avoiding everyone. This is the problem - that not being in fear goes into the opposite - accepting everyone and not making a protest. I believe this is the root of borderline splitting, black and white thinking.
There is inability to see the right to have love and in the same time to filter out toxic people without feeling guilty about it or entering into avoidant personality. Instead with trauma I will associate being angry with being rude to others and blocking everyone.
In reality - I can be angry and still care for people. I can block someone without being evil to toxic people.
This is a great problem -
that I believe if I experience bad experience with rude and intrusive people- I believe that I have no other options other than being hysterical and defensive. I am allowed to block them and ignore them and mute them and still have love and peaceful attitude. These does not exclude each other. This is what we never learned in childhood. We learned that when we experience pain and when someone is mean to us - that we must be evil and stay stuck in hysteria. To stay in victimhood mentality where I am wounded victim who must cry and complain all the time.
That is why I believe trauma problem is problem with identity. And as such - it overspills into social anxiety, and social anxiety appears as problem with catastrophizing thoughts - while in reality, loss of identity is trauma issue, that is connected to anything in life, including social situations. Why is this important to realize? Because exposure will not help. Nitpicking our thoughts and forcing ourselves to develop social skills will not help with social anxiety. Trauma will keep us in shame and inner criticism that will pump out avoidance and symptoms of social anxiety.
Narcissism and social anxiety.
One way to react to trauma, abuse and injustice in the world is through fight response. With toxic shame - we will feel that we must protect our honor. This is especially true in shame culture countries. Problem with shame is that anything based on toxic, malignant shame bears toxic fruits. It is said that unhealed traumatized people are dangerous to the others - due to this rancour and hatred and fixation on revenge. With toxic shame we will feel wounded and we will be in combat survival mode where we may easily lash on innocent people. With social anxiety and Quiet BPD we will turn this anger towards ourselves and we won't react to toxic people- fueling more of toxic shame for being passive and silent.
Kindness and patience and calm versus anger and fight and trying to prove my worth by conquering the offending party. It will appear to me as if not being angry creates trauma. This is not true.
The word is assertiveness. In CBT/self help books assertiveness is described as anger, that we must engage in endless discussion with people who are unable to listen to others and people who are devoted to their fantasy.
Assertiveness is actually speaking the truth, without beating the other person in the process. It looks like speaking my part - and if the other person is not listening, if they are defensive and so engage into blame and hysteria - that I simply leave. The point here is that I spoke my part, that I have given the other person the fair chance to engage in finding the solution and to warn them why I will avoid them forever when they refuse to co-operate.
Important part is this belief that somehow not being angry is shameful. Toxic shame along with inner critic will broadcast this idea that not being angry is the problem - setting me up to develop hysteria. That is toxic shame. Toxic shame makes me feel that I am unworthy and pathetic and that I must defend my honor by acting like strong, non-coward - and this belief is toxic because this is narcissism - constant battles, seeing oneself as victim and engaging into wars for proving my honor so that the other person does not think about me as weak and coward. This is how social anxiety turns into narcissistic toxic issue.
Toxic shame and inner critic will broadcast the idea that with anger I can fight off the trauma. And even heal it - by being rude to rude people. That somehow I can set abnormal sick people straight by beating them up. This is evident in media like movies and series. That is how narcissism is generally seen as normal in society.
In reality - anger mode is the problem. It is self-fulfilling, and it appears as if not being angry is problem. Then the emotional regulation will appear as nonsense.
With such toxic beliefs, we will end up in narcissism mode and borderline behavior as well - where anger will be mixed with toxic shame.
The problem here is not having healthy models, not having healthy examples of how to conduct conflicts - and the core of toxic shame and inner critic is this core belief that I am wounded and therefore I must protect myself by appearing strong - by harassing other people who are abusive to me.
Trauma comes with flashbacks - and there are intrusive images from the past, from the abusive incidents with people. This is what influences the belief that I must make defense mechanism so that I do not suffer in the future when past events pop up in the mind over and over again, in nightmares, too.
But nope - social anxiety is not narcissistic disorder. Events when we would stick up for ourselves will be erased from memory - and inner critic along with toxic shame will not replay those successful events, it will be labeled by the inner critic as a fluke, at best. Social anxiety does not replay the good stuff - only the danger.
The bottom line is - with being vulnerable, with trauma and triggers - I become the one who is abusing others by demanding others not to hurt me. I will demand others to walk on egg-shelves around me, or else I will be triggered.
Like and change of tone or annoyance or anything somewhat similar to abuse.
Avoidance is ashamed by CBT as isolation is not good for the mind. However if we are in toxic ambient - avoidance is the best protection against toxic people and their harm and agenda and exploitation. I would give social anxiety the credit - and I would raise the ante of social anxiety avoidance - as our protection as our worth as our boundaries - where we should see avoidance as our choice, as our priority, as our strength and force to be reckon with. With avoidance we tell to the toxic grabbing predators that they are not welcomed here. That they won't be a part of our lives. This is why predators attack others - because they know the other person will never associate with someone who is anti-social and dangerous and aggressive. So it is like - destroy others because they cannot serve the predators as a narcissistic supply. Trauma will make us trauma bond with predators - when we should cut contact with them immediately.
The idea of deconstructing social anxiety - that can create different rollercoaster and choose different reactions where I can. That coping mechanisms are based on healthier model as oppose to extinguishing the fire of old model.
Another idea is similar - that I do not have opportunity to check new models and new constructs with new education about trauma - and instead I am stuck in old thoughts and old events, old replays of events - that keep me hooked in old constructs.
Example of this change of construct is in - the knowledge that meeting people is fun. Hanging around people is fun. We always learn something new and there is exchange of energy and information - even when the other person is defensive and antagonistic, we learn how to deal with it, how to interpret it and how to act in the best manner instead of pleasing others and trying to make us accept us.
I see handling the social anxiety trauma - from the borderline perspective. Where the source of anxiety will aggravate us and annoy us. This irritation will transform itself into anger. And we silence and suppress this anger - trying hard not to become abusive ourselves. This is noble and healthy approach - but it has side-effect: rancour and feeling like coward and inferior and easily manipulated. Without anger we cannot defend ourselves, we cannot say no, we cannot leave toxic people. So this defense needs the change of perspective. If we see the defense as borderline disorder - we can deconstruct the defensive mechanisms and make them functional - that we defend ourselves without creating personality disorder in the process. That we set boundaries and assert ourselves without getting intermingled with toxic people in the process, enmeshed with monsters. I see the solution in removing the importance in abusers. We see them as gods and superior beings and this thwarted view instilled inside us during ACE and ACoA keeps us in victim mentality and victim mode all the time. From this mental personality we cannot stand up for ourselves - anything as defense mechanism against toxic people will be constructed as trying to impress toxic people.
When we see all people as equal to us - we can make much more sense to get the anger at the optimum level - just enough to feel disgust and sever connections to abusers without going into reaction formation and people pleasing them due to fear and panic. The fear will be gone when we stop looking at abusers as gods but instead as they are in reality - pathetic slobs who abuse others to feel good about their shaky ego. The optimum level of anger will allow us to give clear message to abusers who are in some kind of power over us - that one day this connection will be gone and we won't chat with them in the future. They will not exist for us - and this assurance will give us strength and feeling of security in our own worth and our defenses. With people pleasing we stay in servile slave mode to toxic people in the future - we end up worrying what they will think about us - and our people pleasing and fawning gives them message that we are fine with their abuse.
The defense mode appears as natural reaction to toxic people - but this keeps us scared and limited and we end up pleasing abusers in power and this keeps us feel toxic shame due to belief we are inferior to abusers. Abusers in power are powerful simply because they have this power, not because they are more worthy as human beings. When we end up in defensive mode, we cut off good people and we end up pleasing toxic people - because we replay the survival mentality where we believe we will be safe if we suppress our anger. With defensive mode - all our mental resources are poured into toxic people and without noticing it, we limit and destroy our ideas, our freedom to think and be proactive in life.
When we experience any kind of injustice and shock and trauma and abuse - the natural response is to hate the person and to make drama about it - but this leads to borderline disorder. Mostly because we cannot influence other people and their choices and their decisions. We are in position where we need to acknowledge that we are human being, vulnerable and we cannot defend ourselves against random slander. Any attempt to fight this - will result in narcissism.
Even the subdued anger will actually end up being passive aggressive. We cannot cheat our anger - by pretending it is not there. This is why new construct in thinking is needed. The healthier model that will process anger and feeling of being attacked in healthier manner, the one that does not ruin our mental health.
It is about expecting that social anxiety is borderline issue of masking the vulnerability and then going opposite to domination and pretending to be strong and to dominate someone's opinion.
Because after all we cannot control other people and their choices how they interpret reality.
Lisa A. Romano
@lisaaromano1
May 28
Defending yourself against a violent narcissist isn't the answer. Plan your exit instead. For everyday narcissists who thrive on passive-aggression and gaslighting, engaging only fuels them. 'Shutty shutty' works best.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨
@_Pammy_DS_
Being toxic isn’t cute. Grow up — learn how to love and communicate properly.
Ryan Daigler - Exposing Narcissistic Abuse 🚩🚩
@Ryan_Daigler
#NarcissisticAbuse is a covert killer. Death by a thousand little cuts.
Molly21
@Molly2120260879
yes, you form a 'survival mindset" that works when you are around narcissists but doesnt work in non-narc environments
Karun
@karunpal
Introverts don't revenge. They're too kind. When they trust you, they trust you. No questions asked. They're loving, caring, and completely vulnerable. Mind, body, soul. But if you ever break their heart, they'll block and cancel you for your next 7 lives.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
May 29
Just because a person doesn't put their hands on you, doesn't mean they aren't abusive. Abuse is control, blatant disrespect, emotional black mail, manipulation, and hurtful words. Don't settle for emotional abuse thinking it's OK because it's not physical.
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨
@_Pammy_DS_
It's such a beautiful feeling when someone tries to trigger the old you, but you've worked so f*cking hard on healing yourself, that there's no button left for them to press anymore.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
"Trauma in a person, decontextualized over time, looks like personality. Trauma in a family, decontextualized over time, looks like family traits. Trauma in a people, decontextualized over time, looks like culture."
-- Resmaa Menakem
Dr Karen Mitchell PhD
@karenmitchell__
Dark personalities (DP), including narcissists, psychopaths, coercive controllers, are drawn to academia. In academia there is limited accountability. They get to drive the narrative through the research they engage in and the way they choose to interpret it. This allows them to manipulate and control which is important to them. They can manipulate data to deflect focus from their own nefarious activities, for example, or manipulate data to make it more marketable. They are seen as experts which appeals to their substantial sense of ego. They are not required to work toward team outcomes like people in corporates which gives them greater control. They are more able to engage in behaviours that demean, belittle, bully, disadvantage and destroy others, which DP enjoy, without implications because of limited 360 feedback processes. They have a lot of freedom too which allows them to lead a double life, as is the need of DP.
BeccaE
@The1BeckyE
They’re also drawn to positions of authority within governments and medical organizations; it gives them access to vulnerable individuals.
Lisa A. Romano
@lisaaromano1
May 29
🥰 One day you will finally stop trying to be what others want you to be and you will find the road back to you!
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨
@_Pammy_DS_
The older you get, the more you realize you want a quiet, peaceful life, and the less you want to be around drama, stress, or conflict any longer. You just want a calm, cozy home, good food on your table, and to be surrounded by your favourite people.
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
I hate when people say "if you love me you'll accept me as I am."
Loving you doesn't mean tolerating your refusal to develop emotional intelligence and heal your dysfunction.
If you loved you, you would do the work so people who love you don't feel forced to walk away.
Gary Goodridge
@garyhgoodridge
Be yourself people don’t have to like you and you don’t have to care.
Jacy, LPC
@ATMwithJacy
Insistence of conformity is a threat to emotional boundaries.
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
May 28
Please don’t allow someone to use their hurtful past as their reason for why they keep hurting you.
Dr Karen Mitchell PhD
@karenmitchell__
People often ask me about the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath.
Let’s start with psychopaths. My PhD data indicates that narcissists, psychopaths and Machiavellians are all subsets of one overarching ‘dark personality’ type.
This personality type is supremely self focused, manipulative, sadistic, cruel, and profoundly dishonest, although they often seem upstanding and normal. MRI imaging work shows this ‘dark personality’ type, subsuming psychopathy, Machiavellianism and narcissism, have prefrontal cortex, and amygdala brain anomalies. They are wired to be like this.
Some people engage in the same behaviors as ‘dark personality’, however, their motivation is not the same. Their behaviors are a consequence of abuse, childhood trauma, etc. These people are often referred to as sociopaths. They are different to ‘dark personality’ in several key ways.
Over time several terms have been developed to distinguish between the 2 groups of people exhibiting similar behaviours with a different motivation…
Psychopath v sociopath, malignant narcissist v vulnerable narcissist, type A psychopath v type B psychopath and so on.
My data indicates there is just one over-arching dark personality type who is deeply malevolently motivated, and another kind of person who exhibits the same behaviours but do not have the same brain anomalies. The second group of people experience shame and with work may become more effective in their functioning.
Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle
@DrDoyleSays
Kids who grew up neglected often become adults who feel we have to show our work at all times.
Nate Postlethwait
@nate_postlethwt
When a child is parentified, they become adults who feel overly responsible for everyone’s well-being, except their own. The lack of freedom to be a child links their identity to a coping pattern of meeting other’s needs, because they’ve never been taught their needs matter too.
sad
@lonesfeels
Normalize not forcing your importance in someone's life. Let people do what they want so you can see what they'd rather do. If someone doesn't see the value in having you by their side, don’t try to convince them.
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Let them judge you. Let them misunderstand you. Let them gossip about you. Their opinions aren’t your problems. You stay kind, committed to love and free in your authenticity. No matter what they do or say, don’t you doubt your worth or the beauty of your truth. Just keep shining
Josh
@JD_Quotes2017
You need a break from people, not life.
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
🚩If you’re googling their shit behavior, you know something is wrong.
I wasted so much time googling ‘pathological liars’ and ‘narcissistic rage.’
I believed that if I understood it, I could help them. I believed if I could just trigger them less…
🚩That was my first mistake. Believing I had any influence over a narcissist.
I contacted a therapist and asked her to help me trigger them less. She asked why I thought I was the problem. I replied, “Because they said I’m the problem and they are very smart so it must be true!”
The therapist recommended I read books by Lundy Bancroft and Don Hennessy. Both have done extensive research on abuse.
I learned abusers are all very similar. An abuser only cares about ‘their’ needs and feelings. They will use whatever means necessary to satisfy those.
👉 99% of abusers are incapable of change. Change came when I googled ‘how to leave.’
Tell me no Lies 💔❤️🩹➡️❤️🥰🌹💪🏻🚫Narcissists🚫
@lovewins11011
Every time you try to address something with a narcissist, they say you are ‘the problem.’
Nick Taber
@NickTaber
You're allowed to dislike somebody's energy and the things they project onto you. It's depressing how long it took me to realize this.
a n n a
@hi_its_annaleah
May 28
*my* autistic experience of constantly being told that I should be more "assertive" & "confident" - then being perceived as "arrogant" & "standoffish" & "unlikeable" when I genuinely ask clarifying questions to understand, & respectfully set boundaries & advocate for my own needs
𝙋𝙖𝙢𝙢𝙮 ✨
@_Pammy_DS_
The real flex is removing your presence from people and places where you don’t feel loved, appreciated, or respected.
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
Thoughts post tornado- all the people that ask survivors the ‘why did/didn’t’ you questions - because you never expect the worse to happen when it actually does happen. When it does you do the best you can in that moment with what you’re given. #dontshouldveasurvivor
(30.5.2024)
Once I find the solution to some critical problem - I don't appreciate the answer.
However in the same time - if I do not find the answer this problem appears as the number one priority to resolve, and I waste time, money and focus in seeking the solution. This is what happens in social anxiety. Social anxiety is filled with small problems - and once we find solution for some of those, the solution becomes worthless. It is like not knowing the foreign language - and once we learn the words, we take them for granted, we take our knowledge of foreign language for granted and our worry and frustration moves onto unknown words. This way I will always be stuck in hypervigilance mode where I never sit down and appreciate the life. It is rat race.
Similar example is when toxic people exploit our trauma of making mistakes. Once we resolve the mistake and we never make it again - we won't appreciate the knowledge but the fear and panic and worry and rumination will move onto the new skill that needs to be build in the future.
With trauma, with abuse, with shocking event - when predator is dangerous, assaulting the target, when there is bullying and unfair and unjust experience of being taken advantage of - there is shock trauma response. It is mixed in with toxic shame and inner critic - where there is a feeling and construct in target's mind of deep guilt for this happened as if it was a choice and as if there could be done something about it. There is toxic shame feeling of being a failure - even despite the obvious fact that abuse was not initiated by the target. The survivor will feel responsibility for being abused. And then dysfunctional coping mechanisms will try to cover up this shame through unhealthy actions - such as self hatred and self rejection, avoidance and rumination and feeling guilty and then being ashamed for feeling the guilt. The solution is to turn around and see toxic people as a part of life - like feces, that must exist in order for a body to function. The healthy approach would be to both accept and make fun of the abusers to the extent of not seeing them as gods and supernatural superior beings, that shame is forcing us to perceived the abusers as such. If I see the abuser in comical fashion - their superiority will be gone, without me telling the abuser this at all, without trying to prove them wrong, without seeking justice. If I am able to defend myself I would do it. The avoidance itself is defense - so socially anxious are already doing all the humanly possible from the power position to protect themselves. We need to process how we perceive the triggers of social anxiety - the abusers, and to remove them from the high place that our shame and inner critic and mind shaped them to be in ACE and where ACoA is placing them to be. Abusers exploit their power position to abuse - and in such circumstances our only healthy sane reaction of wellbeing is removing them from the pedestal in our own minds. With time - we will cut contact and remove them from our lives, we need to be patient. We will eventually find better job than this toxic one. We will eventually see the abuser vanish and self destruct. And when we remove them from the pedestal in our minds, when we no longer see abusers as gods - we will have natural responses that are appropriate to the circumstances, to the given situations and aligned with common sense. Revenge, hysteria, attacking the sick people back - will not work, since they are sick, nothing in the world will make them change their sick abnormal anti-social brain to become healthy. Healthy sane people who never went through ACE and ACoA in childhood - have this mechanisms already set up inside their minds. They do not destroy themselves when toxic people are rude to them and then they do not make trauma responses which are further abusive and self sabotaging such as fawning and being passive aggressive and petulant.
The socially anxious traumatized person will feel deep toxic shame when someone is rude, aggressive, intrusive, when there is rejection on personal level and he or she will feel deep shame and responsibility and obligation to fix the abuser and abuser's moods and their problems.
This happens due to ACE and ACoA childhood where there was operant conditioning to feel deeply and automatically responsible for someone's hysteria and manic behavior.
The solution is to observe hysterical dangerous abuser as danger - this part is healthy. HOWEVER the difference is to know that abuser's actions has nothing to do with target's identity. And then it is much more easier to make construct, a plan - regarding how to cut contact with abusive person who is chronically antagonistic and abnormal and anti-social. Without separation from the core identity - the assault from toxic people will be experienced as if the abuser is tied to the target, glued into one entity, enmeshed. And it will result in social anxiety foes - like rumination and worry and people pleasing. And one way of healthy coping mechanism is to see abuser as pathetic and comical and their actions as hysterical characters from early days of cinema, black and white movies with slapstick comedy, as separate from our own mind and body. When some toxic person chooses to be anti-social, this is on them. It is really nothing that we done to cause them to be abnormal, this is totally their own free choice which is totally under their own control, abusers simply choose to hurt and harm other people, it is their free choice. Since we are not police, we are not asylum institution - there is no protection against the slander and the harm that toxic people are doing to the society and individuals who appear to them as easy targets to abuse.
The healthy approach to abusers would allow us to listen to others without making rancour judgements against someone who is thinking differently than us. This way we can handle rejection sensitivity better and healthier than dysphoria, dysphoria that would feed itself on hatred and intolerance of reality and toxic people in this reality.
With ACE and ACoA, social anxiety issues are tied to dysfunctional learned mechanisms how to handle toxic people. We learned to suppress anger and to be passive aggressive and petulant - as a way to handle toxic people and their intrusive actions. Because we never had healthy model to see alternative ways that encompass vulnerability and acceptance of failure and defeat that are seen as learning experience, not as personal insult, and in the same time that we can learn to adjust and adapt to the given situations - instead of holding on the rigid mentality and copy pasted mechanisms.
This giving in and letting go approach appears as betrayal and this is why it feels counter-intuitive. However - when we apply this healthy model on others we will also apply this same approach with difficult and painful and traumatic emotions trapped inside us. Instead of discipline and tyranny of shoulds and trying to punish ourselves - which does not work - we will try the validation approach, and this will work to help us integrate ourselves into full personality. When we are empty inside, we can never function from our full power. We will always have subconscious parts dragging us down and self sabotaging ourselves with wrong decisions and avoidance and terror.
Sam Vaknin: "You should provide a Safe zone within which the dysfunctional adult can fulfill other needs and wishes that you are not catering to."
If I start any kind of new activity - like a new job, relocation, talking to new people, finding myself in new situations and problems of any kind - I will be in shock state. And I won't know what to say right and I need to make mistakes and I will appear as scared child. With time if I stay with the fear - I will eventually find the grounding and become balanced. And then I will forget the initial fear- I will take the grounding process for granted. Problem is that with time - with trauma - with wounded child - I will have difficulties into entering into new projects and ideas and being bold since I will believe I don't have what it takes and the uncertainty period will be perceived as unsurmountable. And all the time I take for granted the grounding process- that I experienced it in the past, that I can overcome it. I will forget that and stay stuck in fear and panic and immobility. This is wounded child problem that is closely connected with social anxiety, with toxic shame and harsh inner critic as agents of being stuck in panic mode and inability to take risks in life. The shame and toxic guilt would be too much to bear.
Wounded child needs - mean that in childhood we were not mirrored. No one actually talked to us - unless it was criticism, correction or discipline or supervision. This is where social anxiety stems from in the adulthood - we feel like our opinion does not matter and that we are not allowed to talk unless if we are being spoken to, and that whatever we speak about must be connected to some purpose, someone's need and some task that fulfills someone's needs.
📙
Blog posts:
Do Movies Cause Social Anxiety? ✌ Strong reaction to someone rude ✌ The Agreeableness Theory ✌Managing Social Anxiety and Toxic Shame ✌ Complex Trauma induce Social Anxiety and Avoidance ✌Navigating through social anxiety ✌ Accepting social anxiety ✌ Social anxiety is Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) ✌ Quiet BPD is social anxiety ✌
Reddit posts:
- Why not Social Anxiety "Solutions" or "Fixes" or "Overcoming"?
- Concepts that helped me understand Social anxiety, Panic Triggers and Avoidance
- Toxic shame
- Intrusive Thoughts (PureOCD)
- Self Worth
- Being stuck
- Resentment
- Doubt and Descartes 'Evil genius argument'
- External reference locus of control and External validation
- Amygdala hijacking
- Egocentrism
- Classical CBT based Social Anxiety on faulty premises
- Fawning
- Ebbinghaus' Forgetting Curve
- Long-Term Narcissistic Abuse Can Cause Brain Damage
- 20 ideas and conclusions about social anxiety I learned without external help
- Philosophical zombie (NPC Wojak)
- Comment on YT video "Marcus Aurelius - Stop Caring What People Think"
- Interdependence
- Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and Social anxiety
- Perfectionism is hidden factor of disorder in Social Anxiety
- Toxic people
- Three stages
- There is no absolute truth
- Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)
- Dualism and Double bind
- Alternative explanations of Social anxiety
- Anti-psychiatry
- Anti-psychiatry (2)
- Social Anxiety Map (I)
- Social Anxiety Map (II)
- Social Anxiety Map (III)
- All people have social anxiety. All.
- Humanistic therapies
- False self (I)
- False self (II)
- Catcher in the Rye (I)
- Catcher in the Rye (II)
- Catcher in the Rye (III)
- Complex Trauma (c-PTSD)
- Social Anxiety tips (I)
- Social Anxiety tips (II)
- Social stigma
- Trickster (by Jung)
- How Narcissists hijacked Social Anxiety
- Charcot hysteria
- Time machine - my views about social anxiety from 1996
- Trauma splitting
- Social anxiety in the presence of well-meaning people
- Kohlberg's Theory of Moral Development
- Kohlberg's Theory of Moral Development (II)
- Sam Vaknin and Richard Grannon (I)
- Sam Vaknin and Richard Grannon (II)
- Agreeableness
- Negative politeness
- Why smashing social anxiety approach will never work
- Seesaw effect
- Initiation into evil
- Invalidation
- Validation (I)
- Validation (II)
- Validation (III)
- Solution must be simple (Occam's Razor)
- Power Dynamics (I)
- Power Dynamics (II)
- Interpersonal sensitivity
- Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)
- Scapegoating people-pleasing is wrong
- Scapegoating people-pleasing is wrong (II)
- Social anxiety and Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)
- Neurodiversity
- Social anxiety: journal entry from 1990
- ADHD
- Masking
- Paradox of vulnerability
- Fear of being hated
- Fear of criticism and negative evaluation
- Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACoA) - part 1
- Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACoA) - part 2
- Processing emotions and stimuli
- Processing emotions and stimuli (II)
- Processing emotions and stimuli (III)
- Processing emotions and stimuli (IV)
- Processing emotions and stimuli (V)
- All people have social anxiety. All. (II)
- Polarized thinking
- Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale
- High-functioning social anxiety
- Quiet BPD as social anxiety
- Internal Family Systems Model (IFS)
- Boundaries
- Boundaries (II)
- Extinction
- Self-referential thinking
- Social anxiety described in 19th century
- Quick fusion
- Four pillars of Social Anxiety (I)
- Four pillars of Social Anxiety (II)
- Toxic shame and Social anxiety are intertwined
- Toxic shame and Social anxiety are intertwined (II)
- Toxic shame and Social anxiety are intertwined (III)
- CBT DSM medical terms are misleading
- CBT myth about Exposure
- Stoicism and social anxiety
- Regulation and Dysregulation
- Regulation and Dysregulation (II)
- Survivorship bias
- Survivorship bias (II)
- How to handle difficult people (I)
- How to handle difficult people (II)
- Toxic empathy (I)
- Toxic empathy (II)
- Toxic empathy (III)
- Spotlight effect and other (neuro)-typical nonsense advice for Social Anxiety
- Spotlight effect and other (neuro)-typical nonsense advice for Social Anxiety (II)
- Psychedelics and social anxiety
- Tendency to perceive (interpersonal) victimhood - TIV
- All people have social anxiety. All. (III)
- Nothingness as anti-dote for social anxiety
- Nothingness as anti-dote for social anxiety (II)
- Nothingness as anti-dote for social anxiety (III)
- Nothingness as anti-dote for social anxiety (IV)
- Nothingness as anti-dote for social anxiety (V)
- Nothingness as anti-dote for social anxiety (VI)
- Synaptic pruning
- BBC The Century of the Self
- Othering
- Barnum effect
- Social anxiety coaches
- High-Functioning Autism and Social anxiety
- High-Functioning Autism and Social anxiety (II)
- High-Functioning Autism and Social anxiety (III)
- High-Functioning Autism and Social anxiety (IV)
- Unwritten struggles of social anxiety
- Unwritten struggles of social anxiety (II)
- Unwritten struggles of social anxiety (III)
- Secure attachment
- Secure attachment (II)
- Secure attachment (III)
- Worrying About What Other People Think of You (FOPO)
- Looking-glass self
- Looking-glass self (II)
- Looking-glass self (III)
- Healthy coping mechanisms
- Devil on our shoulder
- Broken Looking-Glass Self is Social anxiety
- Social anxiety as rollercoaster
- Social anxiety as rollercoaster (II) - tracks
- Social anxiety as rollercoaster (III) - wagons
- Social anxiety as rollercoaster (IV) - wagons
- Social anxiety as rollercoaster (V) - clouds
- Social anxiety as rollercoaster (VI) - loops
Nema komentara:
Objavi komentar