77: My YT comments on social anxiety 2024

NEKA BUDE BOLJA OD PRETHODNE / Nakon ratova, botova, klimatskih kriza i Barbie, svijetu stiže 2024. – Z NET

1.1.2024

YT "Social anxiety"

Worrying is compulsory in social anxiety.
It is not something that is solved by logic or discipline.
It is trauma and being in toxic ambient and living in shame culture country.

When we experience verbal abuse and narcissistic abuse over long term - there is a brain injury. Investigate it. So it is brain wound, the trauma.
To say now worry - It is the same as to expect that we do not bleed if we injure ourselves.

Denial and repression is dysfunctional coping mechanism and it leads to mental illness and being stuck in toxic ambient since we create Ostrich effect - and you thank her?

"But we can choose to act in spite of it"
In spite of what?
Social anxiety is triggered by toxic people.
We are not the ones who are instigating the abuse. We are not the ones who are choosing to abuse others. Toxic people do that.

" No one will catch on as long as I take this entire week to memorize the proper reaction to every single hypothetical scenario that might happen."

Yep!
This is common reaction in social anxiety.
We think due to toxic society - that our reaction to toxic people is our problem. As if we are not allowed to be angry at toxic people being aggressive and toxic. So that we must adjust to toxic people and hence be their slave by being weird and building our persona as reaction to toxic people - being obsessed about how we appear in other people's eyes.
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety. It is not called self anxiety. Anxiety in social anxiety stems from social : from society: from toxic people. Not from us.. Our reactions to toxic people are not problem - panic is reaction to narcissistic abuse. If we start to believe we must change and cure or adjust ourselves - we are being gaslighted into thinking we are abnormal while everyone else is super normal. This leads to toxic shame.

In social anxiety, due to ACoA and ACE - our Self is covered up - so we can't stay true to ourselves since we were punished for being ourselves. That is why we are not struggling with social anxiety symptoms - because there is no Self inside us - so we can't become true to ourselves.
It is borderline issue of Quiet BPD - we don't have Self. There is Ego Death due to trauma and abuse which is not processed.
So when we listen to videos like this, we never process pain - we simply run away and decide to build a weird unknown false Self, fake persona that is dissociated from reality.

Self help industry helps only authors of those books to get rich by selling Denial, dissociation and suppression - all dysfunctional coping mechanisms which lead to mental illness - because we never resolve toxic people around us who cause our trauma and re-traumatization.
With social anxiety we are already mindful - hence social anxiety panic - due to being totally aware of toxic people around us and toxic ambient, lack of money and resources and lack of safety. Instead of denying our pain and reality - correct method is explained in this video - it is IFS Model. Anything else leads to toxic shame and self help CBT false narrative that our brain is abnormal and that we must fix our brain -whereas nothing is wrong with our brain.
It is our identity that is destroyed due to exposure to ACoA and ACE - exposure to narcissistic abuse like relentless criticism - which destroyed our identity, our Self, our Self worth.

YT "From Hiding to Embracing Conquering Social Anxiety One Video at a Time
"

When we don't care about people we go from one extreme into another.
The "cure" for social anxiety is not becoming psychopath without emotions nor empathy.
Social anxiety stems from trauma, ACoA and being exposed to narcissistic abuse. The problem is not in our reaction to mentally ill people - predators are problem, one and only problem here.

Social anxiety is a not a mere shyness discomfort in crowds.
Social anxiety is being trapped at toxic job with incoming mobbing from boss, colleagues and customers 24/7 - that is analogy of social anxiety, being trapped in abuse and trauma inside toxic ambient without ability to escape due to finances and lack of shelter.

Feeling shyness on the other hand goes away with exposure to society.
With trauma, abuse follows us until it is healed and when we no longer believe that we are abnormal for being abused and that there is nothing to fix in our brain because we were exposed to relentless criticism while growing up.

YT "“ADHD & SOCIAL ANXIETY” #adhd #renafi #ytshorts #mentalhealthawareness #socialanxiety
"

Exposure to relentless unfair criticism while growing up will create panic and inability to tolerate criticism in adulthood.

YT "The only thing you need for social anxiety #selfimprovement
"

You mix up shyness with social anxiety.
Very common mistake due to self help industry and CBT mis-explaining social anxiety.

Social anxiety is already being in social situations.
After all it is called social+anxiety. Meaning anxiety stems from the society. It is not called Self anxiety. This means - toxic people, predators and narcissists, psychopaths and abnormal people are causing panic and pain in already traumatized people - that is social anxiety.

Think of social anxiety analogy - of being trapped in toxic job without means of quitting that toxic place - where abuse and mobbing is incoming from the boss, colleagues and customers 24/7 - without ability to protect yourself - since all of them are mentally ill and abnormal and sadist and pathological liars - so you cannot reason with such sick people. That is social anxiety.
It is being raised in dysfunctional ambient of constnat criticism (AcoA and ACE).

The solution is IFS Model - where we realize that problem is not inside us - true problem are narcissists and narcissistic abuse.
Panic that we feel is trauma - which needs validation and self love and taking care and compassion -
not discipline or blame or denial or suppression.

YT "overcoming social anxiety
"

Charisma is prime trait of psychopathy.
How about radical idea of accepting ourselves, loving ourselves, being okay with our anxiety without trying to fix it but being curious about it?
IFS Model.

The quickest way to handle anxiety is denial, suppression and dissociation. It appears as if we are getting well - but this leads to more anxiety and becoming people pleaser (fawn response) or hysterical person (fight response).
Reality requires us to face it head on, without masking, without hiding, without pretending we are not bothered, without acting, without creating fake persona of overcompensation and narcissism.

The bottom line is - if there is so called "cure" for anxiety - it would be ethically and morally wrong to sell it like a medicine - that we saw in 19th century by panhandlers and various street scum small crook criminals taking advantage of weakest people in need and problems of all sorts taking advantage of them and making profit on someone's trauma, by selling them lukewarm water...

(2.1.2024)

"but it's kinda weird to make up a fake scenario a person you don't even know ngl."
Yet paradoxically you are doing the exact same thing to me.
You make me into person who is judgmental and who abuses other people - just because I stated the facts without harming anyone.
You act as if I peed in her mouth, slashed her pet and shovel it up her anus. The same reaction here.
Inability to hear critique, inability to have conversation without blamings and assuming and hypercognition, placing quick labels on anything that moves and that is smarter than you or quicker - is personality disorder. Which are extremely hard to cure.
Because from your perspective you notice and react to other people (borderline) and then you police anything that moves - without discerning and having open mind - and you equate people with criminals and psychopaths just because it appears so in your head.

In reality - I am talking ideas here. I am not I CANNOT judge anyone here because you are nothing but names to me. I don't know you. I can only share my education and knowledge - but all my comments ARE NOT personal. They are not diagnosis.
They cannot be.
I am aware of this . You are not.
You are seeing me as some god entity that has magical powers to label other people and judge them - while I am not doing this at all.
That is all your projection here, due to severe personality disorder inside you, being anti-social and hysterical.

"I didn't really think of it like that, thanks for sharing your opinion. What I was talking about then is more like Self-Anxiety."

Yep.
There is a iconographic on internet (File:20220801 Introversion - Shyness - Social anxiety disorder - comparative chart in svg extension - by Wikipedia),
it is wide spread and it shows difference between
1 shyness
2 social anxiety
3 introversion.

In short:
Shyness: personality trait, lacks confidence, small fear around judgement
Introversion: personality trait, prefers small groups, limited social energy
Social anxiety: mental illness (not personality trait), overwhelming fear, social situations cause toxic stress, avoidance.

So social anxiety is trauma, complex PTSD.
Mental illness does not mean being dangerous - it means not being balanced and regulated in triggering situations such as being around severely mentally ill person(s) who is hysterical and violent and vulgar most of the time.

To make it even more complex:
social anxiety itself is not sickness. It is normal to have small quantities of neuroticism in social situations - this gives us ability to connect with others and to have empathy.

In social anxiety disorder however we have trauma from past experiences of abuse over long period of time.
So this is not confidence issue - lack of confidence is fear of experiencing another abuse.
Whereas shy person will quickly feel confident as soon as he realizes that other people are not monsters.
With social anxiety disorder there is a severe broken trust in people due to exposure to narcissistic abuse in the past. that needs healing - not through discipline or forcing exposure or any other CBT self help crap.

The RSD is result of being exposed to narcissistic abuse.
Normal healthy people - even ableist - if they are not severely damaged and psychopathic - would not judge or criticize others all the time. They would have normal levels of empathy and understand and see how their words are affecting others - and consequently modulate and adjust their conversation and interaction.
In narcissism and personality disorders - there is no such ability to adjust or really see or hear or understand other people. So such egocentric person will have rigid mindset of copy-paste behavior which includes judging others.
Toxic people quickly learn early on in life that when they are angry - that there is a partial spectrum of people who get scared and obedient to them (due to ACoA and ACE).
So toxic people will use criticism and judgements and put downs as a way to manipulate and control and parasite over partial society and those who are depended on them due to finances and shelter safety.
This is how codependency and oppression is born.

Now once we understand this -
we need to learn that when we are in unfavorable power dynamics - such as being powerless against mentally ill parent or boss or husband - we will tend to develop narcissistic disorder as mirroring of the same disorder in abusive toxic person who is abusing us.
This means we will develop trauma bonding, Stockholm Syndrome - where we will react to angry people, try to fix them, be preoccupied to keep them happy and be silent in order not to make them uncomfortable - since we would be punished otherwise.
Now we will develop personality disorder - where we will feel pain when other person is angry at us. Or even in potential scenario.
We won't be able to tolerate someone thinking badly of us - and that is the core of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.

The solution is to build up our Self and consequently to leave toxic people and toxic ambient in order to restore our mental health and remove disorder and disbalance which toxic people put us in to develop.
IFS Model is best - since it describes wounded parts inside us, which we don't pay attention to due to coercive control that we are in, being oppressed and made to be focused only and solely on needs and wishes of toxic monsters around us.

YT "“REJECTION SENSITIVE DYSPHORIA (PART 3)” #adhd #renafi #ytshorts #mentalhealthawareness #rsd"

Too much unnecessary and even detrimental focus on abused people that leads to pathologization of abused targets and hypercognition and policing anything that moves. While in the same time- there is
too less explanation of abusive people who are causing RSD in the first place.
-
If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
Abraham Maslow

Narcissist Personality Disorder
One of the few conditions where the patient is left alone and everyone else is treated.
(PierceTheDarkness)

We don't end up feeling toxic stress to critique by walking randomly in the street - and catch it like a common flu.
RSD is operant conditioning by being exposed to narcissistic abuse in formative years (drama, hysteria exposure and blame on every single event that happens naturally and presented as catastrophe and personal fault in character - ACoA and ACE).

There is no difference between Pavlovian dogs salivating when they hear bell and us being in toxic stress when exposed to criticism and error nitpicking and being blamed as character personality for anything that someone toxic labels as wrong.

These are all examples of narcissistic and narcissism - which is highly connected with RSD.
Due to exposure to narcissistic abuse - now we are conditioned to think as someone with NPD:
we cannot tolerate someone being angry at us.
We take someone's anger or discomfort as our fault in our character and we try to fix them, their moods and we nitpick our brain for not being perfect and improved enough to serve toxic people who are critical all the time - since they notice that we sweep as they yelp.
So our fight against deep core pain of someone being angry - is making angry people attracted to us and we become codependent on them.

Even though this is the core feature of NPD - we do not have NPD at all. Because unlike someone with NPD - we actually want to get better and healthy and sane - and we are willing to listen and understand - and we watch videos like this one to educate ourselves.
The problem is lack of correct and true and laser sharp information that would explain what is happening, why it is happening and what can we do to fix the pain and heal the trauma.

Unfortunately CBT and self help are making more damage and 90 percent of videos and resources are detrimental and misleading.
Most of them are not discussing topic in this very video: where RSD is stemming from.

INSTEAD - we are being blamed and disciplined and told that our brain is abnormal for feeling pain and being preoccupied with criticism and critics and that we are faulty and at fault for feeling trauma and for being abused. This explanations from CBT and self help and wrong YT videos leads to more of toxic shame and RSD.

"also assume the worst"
Because in ACoA and ACE we were operantly conditioned to expect punishment for not pleasing the abuser.
This happened in our formative years - and we never been explained what is happening - even in adult years - CBT and self help never explained that this was happening : oppression and coercive control.
Instead - we have been pathologized, our reactions to abuse were explained as hallucination and non important and we were instructed to self blame ourselves and to discipline ourselves into masking and making disorder to be functional and shup up about it and never talk about it due to shame and stigma and pain.

"Still i cant force myself too much...it leads to meltdowns"
IFS Model helps with this.
We need to understand that abuse narcissistic abuse caused RSD:
we were initiated to become abusive ourselves.
But our healthy brain and sanity tries to protect us from becoming anti-social - and hence we end up with panic and meltdowns and RSD.
IT is an attempt to keep sane and healthy and out of prison.

We need an act of exorcism - because we were hypnotized into evil, to become evil.
In order to heal - we need to have love and compassion for our meltdowns and avoidance and panic - instead of disciplining it or hiding it or being ashamed of it.
Look at these as healthy brain fighting from becoming NPD violent psychopath.
RSD is canned anger - we suppress natural responses to predators who abuse us. And then end up with meltdowns and avoidance.

"What has been your experience to try become authentic and exstroverted - Can you give one detail event or occasion?"
He can't.
Any masking and creating fake persona ends in disaster - as more social anxiety -because we are now pathological liars who are hiding secrets. This leads to hypervigilance, toxic shame - and confidence is now destroyed alongside Self and Persona and being happy in own skin.

(3.1.2024)

"provide nothing but compliance"

Correct!
And now we need to be curious and investigate: what will happen if we do not comply to their hysteria and abuse?

Femicide?
Being fired from job and then being homeless?
Being beaten up and injured?
Being backstabbed with passive aggression?
Gossiping behind our back and making us look bad to others destroying our social life?

We are talking here about oppression.
If none of these are not option - than blocking the narc will do the job.
HOWEVER - in the same time, when we block toxic people - this is BPD splitting. Now we are the "crazy" ones.
This is why I don't see solution in "boundaries settings" as many advisors will tell us to do.
Because with boundary settings we are creating scary world where toxic people control us and make us afraid of going out and meeting them, we start to avoid places where toxic people are - and we will end up with agoraphobia one day because we will be afraid of meeting toxic person out there.
The better solution is in erasing them from our memory. It is like they never existed and acting that way. This is further than stonewalling or forgiveness.
With stonewalling we still must invest energy into blocking the toxic person.
With forgiveness we are trauma bonded with toxic person.

Erasing them from our life - it is like they never existed and they were bad nightmare, a fiction. If we are not connected to them in job setting or family or through red tape - erasure will do..
It means not talking to them, when they talk to us we don't answer, we move by. When they try to shake our hands we don't move and we don't run away, we simply do nothing. Without running away, it is as if they are invisible hologram that other people can see and we don't see them. So there is no emotional investment in such people at all. They simply do not exist for us. This way - we won't have grudge inside us. We won't have rancour and we won't develop neither trauma or borderline because of their toxic behavior to us.

The fear comes into fruition for us because we were exposed to it during our formative years, where we have learned coping mechanisms such as fawning, fixing angry people and feeling personally responsible for someone being hysterical.

(4.1.2024)

General people, neurotypicals and CBT are using overgeneralization and hypercognition - it is a quick bias to quickly label something new and mysterious - in a wrong way.
That is how socially anxious end up being labeled as cowards that lack confidence.
And then we start to believe those quick labels and biases that people randomly throw at quiet and panicked people.

In reality -
1) anxiety that we feel is canned, suppressed anger.
2) panic that we feel is not being coward - it is an attempt not to hurt other person with our rage and explosions.

Social anxiety is result of being exposed to verbal abuse narcissistic abuse in our formative years.
We were instigated and initialized to become abusers and predators and narcissists ourselves - but our healthy part of brain is fighting this invasion -
and social anxiety is byproduct of this civil war inside our head - that we have no idea is happening at all.
We are convinced that we are weak, stupid and abnormal and we act in accordance to labels that people stick on us randomly.
Like young men that make social anxiety videos on you tube will talk about social anxiety as being inability to talk and meet vagina. As if procreation is the only thing that matters and it is only thing important in life. This way abuse and trauma will be labeled as being shy and incompetent -
while in reality - we have no problem neither with confidence nor libido nor with talking to people.
It is inner battle of good and evil that is taking place in our head - without anyone explaining us this at all.

YT "Inner Connection & Safety - Internal Family Systems #ifs #healing #psychotherapycentral
"

Yes.
That is why IFS Model works - it reminds us to get back in life and to follow our inner guidance.
As oppose CBT and self help industry is making us to be self involved without guidance of where to go in life - and to be traumatized over and over again by denial, suppression and dissociation.
CBT and self help industry are making us being focused on current panic and emotions - without being curious what is triggering them so we have no idea what to do about issues that are causing distress - and absolutely does not tell us where to look to make construction and constructs of the future at all.
With CBT and self help industry we end up being motorless boat in the middle of ocean and they tell us that being in the ocean is the greatest achievement since we are outside of our comfort zone - yet only being moved by whim of predators and abusers who push us around, we end up with trauma and fawning and being people pleaser - since we have no Self inside us.

IFS is like spreading alien technology to neandertals. OR it is like Christianizing the pagan tribes.
People really need to appreciate the enormity of IFS - and how much damage CBT and self help industry done until now with wrong explanations and detrimental advice. Otherwise it is like casting pearls before swine
"If you say that someone is casting pearls before swine, you mean that they are wasting their time by offering something that is helpful or valuable to someone who does not appreciate or understand it. You do not value what should be valued, I see I was casting pearls before swine."

(5.1.2024)

Anyone gone through trauma and who struggles with social anxiety issues (inability to tolerate rude aggressive Karens) - we need to realize that we are sensing mentally ill sick psychopaths. That is the cause of our panic, not hallucination as CBT tries to "explain" it to us, or as toxic society "explains" it to us - that we are weak and sissy.
Due to exposure to AcoA and ACE now we can easily detect abnormal sick people around us easily with precision tool coined in trauma and abuse years.

Most psychopaths are not like in the 1961 hitchcock's classic. most psychopaths are hidden, covert and made functional - so most people are oblivious and won't be able to detect them or red flags. Instead they will label sensitive people as sick and abnormal for reacting in panic when around Karens.

Also, Karens - they are not strong nor competent - as they appear to us due to their aggression. Their rudeness is a mask, they learned to play it cool and to appear smart and competent through yelling and screaming and blaming and making them superior and strong. All of these are compensatory tools - which most society do not and cannot recognize as compensatory tools. Instead most people perceive and explain and see rude people as competent and strong.
And this is how psychopaths end up in power and politics and media - because of misunderstanding what is psychopaths and inability to detect abnormal sick sociopaths hidden around us like Easter eggs , in plain sight.

(6.1.2024)

From my own experience, this does not help at all.
Allowing logic, not allowing logic - in the end, at the bottom line, the anxiety stems from toxic people around us - the problem is NOT inside our head.
Our anxiety simply reacts to psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, toxic people who usually cover up their agenda and evil and gaslight us and scapegoat us to feel shame and blame and pain that they transferred into us from them.
Any idea that we go to fix ourselves and harm ourselves and blame ourselves for feeling anxiety leads to being servant and slave to abnormal people who cause all problems in the first place.

8.1.2024

Actually I have read this very book while I was in a compulsory army service in my corrupt and mafia ridden country - where people in authority are there due to connections, not because of competence.
So I had a first hand experience to read about nazi camp book inside a simulation environment of nazi camp prison - where what I read in that very book was happening in my reality at the time - for example the same people in unfavorable prison compulsory position were put in charge to abuse us and discipline us through drama and nitpicking and constant criticism.

Nope, this book did not help at all.
It had great ideas and the author is amazing humanistic psychologist - but the book missed the mark.

Any person who was already abused before nazi camp imprisonment ambient will carry heavy load of shame and blame already.
This means - any angry person will appear as our own fault for them to be moody, and our own guilt and shame for them being dysregulated and then feeling intense shame guilt and blame and responsibility to make angry people happy and their problems fixed.
This ends up as being people pleaser and codependent - something that non-wounded people do not struggle with.
Someone without trauma wound will feel hurt and pain in nazi prison ambient, HOWEVER they will not experience self flagellation and self hatred nor self rejection and impulse to please and make sadists happy. That part was not mentioned in the book -
and when this is not explained - any additional discipline and criticism - no matter how much with good intentions - ends up as hurt and pain and trauma and self blame and self rejection.

"Any attempt to dictate what thoughts, feelings, and sensations are proper or improper creates a breeding ground for guilt and shame"
Peter Levine

YT "Solve Your Social Anxiety Now
"

Rejection and worry is not a choice - it is trauma.
This means - this cannot be beaten nor resolved with logic.
With logic we can bury our worries and emotions - but this does not resolve trauma that is motorizing social anxiety.
When we end up in denial and dissociation (not allowing to worry or imagining bad outcomes and not handling RSD) - then our trauma will simply come up on the surface as cancer and myeloma and allergies and skin conditions and as headaches.

Social anxiety was caused by discipline and logic - so we cannot cure trauma with more poison that caused all the disorder in the first place.

If we live with someone who is constantly rejecting us (constant nagging, complaints and never-ending criticism about smallest non important issues) - then the problem lies in such mentally ill person, not inside us.

YT "10 True Social Anxiety Stories from X + Practical Tips"

First of all, if someone claims that he or she has social anxiety -this does not make them doctor who actually makes the actual diagnosis. They simply may be using hyper-cognition and misdiagnose their experiences. Narcissists, sociopaths, and impulsive borderliners use social anxiety as a hooking method to get sympathy and to attract new victims in their web.
So you are correct Kyle - when someone is talking about their issues related to social anxiety - usually in most cases - the context is missing and people jump to quick conclusions, bias, prejudice and labels to resolve mystery and unknown emotions and pain that they experience.

The second comment is talking about paradox of social anxiety- that social anxiety is connected to narcissistic abuse.
This means it was created in abnormal ambient of shame and blame and scapegoating.
Many people decide to handle these unbearable accusations and unfair actions from childhood by becoming abusers themselves -
they hang on onto some social anxiety traits like being scared of people - but in the same time they treat other people badly. This is especially true for impulsive borderliners.

Most of us who are trying to find solutions and watch videos like this one, we self blame ourselves a lot due to toxic shame, and we try hard not to harm other people -
so we will be shocked to learn that people who appear socially anxious can be cruel to others therefore without education in narcissistic abuse - we will miss the explanation why some people who are anxious are rude to others, when they know from their own first experience who much pain the rudeness costs us in the first place.

For a third comment - this is especially hard for men who are told by society and system to be strong and confident all the time - and any other emotion other than anger is labeled as sissy and feminine and hence embarrassing and something to be ashamed about. This is the biggest clue that social anxiety lies on the foundation of narcissistic abuse and unhealthy toxic patriarchy system - where any other emotion other than anger is forbidden and frowned upon. When we are unable to discuss and resolve our emotions - we are then left with only anger and treating other people as trash and abusing others - so this is closed circuit of social anxiety.
We are initiated to become evil and hysterical - and our resistance in harming and exploiting and taking advantage of others results as social anxiety.
The quickest way to remove social anxiety is to become anti-social and to be cruel to other people. So we are initiated to become evil.
Social anxiety is simply resistance from this call and conditioning by toxic people for us to become evil - we are resisting becoming evil. However in the same time - we are explained by CBT and self help industry and Tate that our social anxiety is abnormality to cure - by becoming evil without actually saying the word "evil".
In Zoroastrianism (which was basis for all 3 major religions) it is told that the reason why we are on this planet - is to test us who we are really inside us, without masking, without making our evil masked and functional - who are we really inside - are we good person or bad person.
In social anxiety we are stuck in a limbo between heaven and hell - with society telling us and instructing us to become evil, so that with our free will choose and make choice of choosing the evil over goodness.

Fourth comment describes narcissists- psychopaths and sociopaths and impulsive borderliners wear mask - and they try to get approval and validation from strangers, this is how their self esteem is managed and regulated - while in the same time their disorder makes them discard people in cycle of love bombing and disarding.
With social anxiety we need to learn about narcissistic abuse - in order to get clear and correct explanations about people who scare us and make us panic.
Without education in narcissistic abuse - we will tend to self blame and then fix toxic people and become codependent on them.

Fifth comment comes from grudge and inability to learn about Complex Trauma.
When we learn about trauma that is social anxiety - we learn not to blame other people. We understand that they did not have internet nor resources to know better. HOWEVER this does not mean not holding them accountable - which is different from making accusations.
With healing trauma - we accept our past as it is and we react onwards with healthy tools how to handle abuse. Blame, blaming is not a healthy tool.
So I agree with Kyle - accustions will not help at all - and it will backfire, and we become bullies ourselves as Kyle said. This comes with my theory that social anxiety is initiation into evil.
I disagree with Kyle that we need to forgive our abusers. What we learn in trauma education is that whatever choice we make - even the wrong one, that we stand by ourselves firstly and take care of our pain first. If this means not forgiving others, that is fine too. We are not obligated to forgive anyone if we don't feel like it in order to heal trauma. And this choice is totally up to us, it should not come from someone external telling us to forgive someone - this needs to come from our deep heart inside us, our own totally free will to decide to forgive someone - so that we don't have rancour grudge stuck inside us like long tail behind us.

With sixth comment -
where one person really want to do something but social anxiety blocks them to expose -
I would here go with CBT exposure without delving in CBT details in the same time.
When we face our fears - we get tons of information which we could not have attain otherwise.
What will happen is that we will notice that we live in toxic ambient - where the system is wrong and where hysterical people are in charge who are causing problems about social situations.

Your social anxiety was gone Kyle - because you never had social anxiety in the first place. You had some form of shyness that mimics social anxiety.
Social anxiety does not go away with exposure - because the trauma wound is problem that is motorizing social anxiety - and this means exposure will trigger new trauma - and exposure will lead to re-traumatization.
Without correct education about trauma and without learning about IFS Model - we will tend to cope with problems and problematic people in charge in wrong learned ways dysfunctional coping mechanisms which we acquired in childhood when we were abused all the time without means of escape - so we developed specific way of explanining the world which is very narrow and unfair and filled with self blame and self blaming.

Seventh comment describes borderline romantic relationship - where we base our worth on our partner's explanations and descriptions and we take their words as our rulebook that we must worship without ever doubting it.
For most people - social anxiety will appear as annoyance and as our choice that can easily be beaten up with discipline. Something that you do Kyle - you convince us that social anxiety will be gone with CBT exposure - which will not - since social anxiety is trauma wound - that needs listening and understanding and building Self persona - not disciplining it with logic.

Men especially will make fun of any emotion other than anger. This is conditioned into society due to patriarchy - unhealthy toxic system that we obey to - and then end up with rape, crime and wars as the consequence of such corrupt unhealthy system.

This video is long - because social anxiety is complex.
Something that you did not believe me when I first started to comment your soc anx videos and then labeled my comments as "too long".
Well they are long because social anxiety is complex, it is complex Trauma.

YT "Are You Struggling With Social Anxiety Due to Your Narcissistic Mother? Try this!
"

In my case, the abuse was based on constant criticism and constant drama about anything that is unusual and different than the norm - being too loud, walking too fast, having emotions like euphoria - all of these were met with anger and drama and hysteria and discipline and corrections all the time.
A child is naturally prone to make mistakes and errors - since we do it for the first time. With mentally ill person around us who cannot handle stimulation and pain and hurt and problems from a child - we end up being stigmatized for existing. We are conditioned and disciplined into being small, silent, without feelings, without needs - since those would be met with drama, anger and dismission and sometimes with corporal punishment.

And it took me A LOT of time to realize that this is trauma, that this is abuse and that constant criticism is the cause and motor of toxic shame and social anxiety.
I was convinced all the time that I am abnormal for having panic and fears. and anyone who appears confident is automatically healthy and strong and my god that I must worship and never disagree with.

With CBT and self help industry we get wrong explanations what is social anxiety. We are explained that toxic people do not exist and that our worries and fears are imaginary delusions and hallucinations. Which is paradoxically/ironically repetition of the same abuse that we received in childhood that caused social anxiety in the first place.
With CBT and self help industry we are explained that our panic and fears are bad and that this is our personality and that we must be afraid of our fears and hate them and hunt them down and suppress them and hide them away and be ashamed of them and then be perfectionist and then build fake persona which is strong and confident all the time without ever being vulnerable or weak. This way CBT is narcissistic abuse itself.
Many people who struggle with social anxiety have no idea that social anxiety tips and books that we are being force-fed with - are all based on CBT.

When I discovered complex trauma - I literally was learning totally new healthy concepts which I never tried ever in my life or been afraid to try it out: such as telling people that I disagree with them and in the same time not doing anything to make them prove to believe me or trying frantically to believe me. Before I felt very unsettled that some person might think wrong conclusions about me - and I spend a lot of time, fawning, focus, energy and money in fixing other people's wrong beliefs about me. I could not handle that some person might potentially hate me - and I was devastated when around angry people who appear as they are angry because they hate me or something about me that I am or do. CBT never explained this at all - and why this is happening. CBT adds more toxic shame by explaining that social anxiety is due to cognitive distortions - as if our brain is abnormal and sick that is choosing worry out of sheer boredom so it can stop easily by discipline and logic and exposure. In reality - it is trauma and more discipline leads to more of shame.

With exposure to narcissistic abuse - our Self is destroyed ashamed and pushed down - and we have no idea nor conscious awareness that actually our ideas and decisions are stemming from coping mechanisms, not from our True Self at all. We end up being the disorder. We end up being toxic shame, our personality becomes victim scared person who is passive and never makes initiation or goes after own goals in life. We end up being motorless boat in the ocean that is pushed around by other people's moods anger and hatred - and we end up reacting to it all the time, instead of having our own GPS system that guides us in life - we are guided by fixing other people's emotions and their problems and feel good and regulated when other people are happy and calm - and feel stress when other people have problems and issues. Recipe for codependency and trauma bonding.
And in the same time CBT and self help industry do not explain this at all - but add more of trauma bonding by explaining to us to place boundaries - to react to toxic people all the time, we end up wasting time and energy in reacting to hysterical people and their mood swings as our primary concern/focus in our life - instead of our goals and desires and needs.

" It's just going to take longer than a socially healthy person."
You already are socially healthy person.
This belief that you are not enough right now - is trauma that stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse - where we have been conditioned to believe that we are never enough.
This toxic shame is being solidified by toxic patriarchy system especially in catholic religion - where emotions other than anger are labeled as unhealthy and toxic. And we are instructed by talibans to become "strong" and rude and evil.
Bible does not say without reason that Satan will hide behind the cross.

Education about narcissistic abuse and how to recognize red flags how to detect abusers and start trusting our stigmatized panic reactions to toxic people - is the correct direction in how to handle social anxiety trauma.

We are being told wrong explanations by CBT (CBT is default medical response to social anxiety) - which is filled with self blame, toxic shaming and wrong advice how to handle social anxiety panic. CBT totally ignores narcissistic abuse and predators - and it instructs us to believe we are having hallucinations and delusions and that toxic people do not exist - that we simply fabricate abuse in our mind and that our mind is broken that requires spending money on useless CBT therapy and parasites in pharma mafia industry.

YT "I promise I’m normal #socialanxiety #shorts
"

With patriarchy and stoicism and CBT - we tend to over-comensate in order to appear macho manly strong and alpha.
This overcompensation is pushing down our fears and reactions to abusers and toxic people and toxic corrupt system - feelings and emotions other than anger that we are instructed to label as sissy and feminine and abnormal and sick.
Then with CBT we end up being abuser and narcissistic monster - since we try not to be normal healthy human being who is vulnerable and true and authentic.
Instead -we end up building fake narcissistic mask of superiority and stocism, unnatural rigid mindset of being macho strong - which does not work well with reality - and leads to personality clashing - since there is always someone more evil than the fish that eats other fish.

YT "Quick Tip To Relax Social Anxiety
"

Idea that we make our emotions invisible to others is toxic shame and this is mental illness that leads to personality disorder.
This keeps us stuck in toxic belief that we are unworthy as we are and that we must be servant and slaves to others who is relaxed when abusers take advantage of us.

YT "DEALING WITH ANXIETY IN PUBLIC (Remember This) 😌 #socialanxiety
"

Being overwhelmed by people is NOT a choice. This is unhealed trauma.
If we believe in such wrong explanations - we will end up believing that we are creating our anxiety and that we are to blame, and that we cannot rely on our brain - which ends up as toxic shame and mental illness and personality disorder.

"I get what you’re saying but when the heart rate starts to Kick up that’s when I start to fall into the what ifs how do Ignore what I’m thinking?"

Great question for which CBT and woodoo narcissists like this one have no answer to.
They only know patriarchy self blaming approach to develop toxic shame and to hide and mask our issues of trauma that need investigation, not discipline.

YT "overcoming social anxiety
"

When we don't give f about other people we become abusers, narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths.
We can't go from one extreme into another.
Extreme from social anxiety is becoming impulsive borderliner, mentally ill person.

"you need to get comfortbale with being uncomfortable

"
That is paradox because it means being passive and slave and servant to abusers and being comfortable about being abused and being attacked.

YT "Holding Down a Job with Social Anxiety - You Can Do It 💪
"

This is not "fear".
It is trauma. Operant conditioning.
And being avoidant has nothing to do with a mere talking to people. It has to do with being abused and put down by other people while talking to them.

When we take on the ideology to fake ourselves, we will build fake persona which leads to mental illness: narcissism and plethora of personality disorders which must become pathological liar in order to fake until we make it.

(9.1.2024)

But you are not the one who describes how your words effect and mean to people.
Inability to hear critique is egocentrism and mental illness, narcissism and pseudo-science.
Instead of being Rescuer inside Karpman Drama Triangle and fixing other people and telling them what to do without feedback that your advice is not working, you really need to work with yourself and your ego and disorder that you fix up by telling others how to live their life and deal with problems.

Analysis paralysis.
If self awareness does not help us in 5 seconds - we will remain frozen in inside victim mentality forever. That is why psychiatry can be toxic - when we become farming slave for self help authors and any kind of coaches parasiting on our trauma with bad advice that does not really work in real life.

@BillClinton228 "You will never win no matter what you do."
Absolutely correct.
This is why narcissists are cancer of society.
Whatever we do - will not help.
If we follow CBT "advice" about being assertive to pathological liars - they will drag us down to drama and hysteria and delusions and being blamed for everything that moves as our fault and blame forever.

Even paradoxically if we cut ties with them - they will leave rent free in our head through nightmares and trauma PTSD - replaying their abuse in our mind - because our brain is built to remind us of danger in order to avoid it.

Also if we cut ties and move away - narc will find another victim - that may not be balanced as we are - and may harm themselves in the process of abuse. Now we are responsible for someone's self harm because we cut off narc to find new victims to abuse.

This is philosophical matter as well.
It appears that evil and anti-matter is more powerful than good and life.
So this means we are in some kind of prison here - a hell where me might be born again over and over again to suffer and experience pain.

I see solution in IFS model - where we work on our traumatized shocked and abused parts inside ourselves. Then we will not add more toxic stress in already inherently bad and evil world that we live inside in.

I see education as important tool to keep us sane and regulated, videos like this - and that we ourselves become kind person who does not spread evil around even when we have all rights to be cruel and abusive to abusers.

Obviously you don't understand the term "oppression" and that some people are not born in privilege and entitlement as you. So you have no idea that some people do not have money, that they depend on finances from a toxic job.
You simply do not understand that some people are not born with silver spoon in their mouth and that their parents can rescue them with providing shelter and money - and hence some people who are not privileged nor entitled must endure abuse and mobbing.
This part you do not understand.
And I cannot explain this to someone who is egocentric and has luck to be born in better circumstances than most people.

YT "5 New Ways To Manage Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
"

"Not necessarily reality"
I would stop and look very detailed and closely at that part.
Who is the person that tells us what is real?
Who is this person in control and manipulation - a specific position of control that usually attracts narcissists and psychopaths to explain us our own reality at our own detriment - which is actually not real but their agenda and delusion that appears real to them?

It is not good path if we do not make a difference about what is real and what is not real. And that we simply shrug it off and then label any experience as fake and unreal and our imagination. And that we rely on other people to tell us what is real - this way we will end up with borderline disorder, being codependent on other people to explain us reality to us.

Without this specific distinction what is real and what is imagined - we mix up hallucinations and real abuse/mobbing. Many abusers, narcissists and predators cover up their abuse and they appear as normal and kind to the public - so the target of abuse will not be believed when he or she report the abuse. This way toxic people in authority of any kind can gaslight their targets easily: Martha Mitchel effect.

"Stages of grief: Shock, disbelief, anger, bargaining, sadness, depression and acceptance"
Acceptance does not mean accepting the abuse. It means accepting that we live in toxic ambient with toxic society that supports abusers and legalizes abuse - and that we accept that unfair and unjust reality which is depressive - that is totally outside of our control.
CBT and self help industry tells us to accept abusers and that we accept the role of being a slave and servant and victim - and that we serve our body as farming milking resource for toxic corporations and psychopaths in authority - since "we must accept it".
Nope.
We can accept that pathocracy exists due to large masses of people voting for criminals and mafia - that part we can accept.
However - we do not need to accept abusers to be our masters and we do not need to accept living in toxic ambient and accepting contacts with sociopaths, as CBT is instructing us to be assertive to pathological liars and to expose ourselves to criminals.
We can influence and change disorder in society through our own example and by participating in social activities which expose narcissistic abuse and criminals in power and to form a plethora of laws in order to hold them accountable and imprisoned..

"Shame"
I agree that toxic shame is behind RSD. And this is on target proof that RSD is by-product of abuse, ACoA and ACE - being in toxic ambient over long period of time where we have been target of constant verbal abuse such as relentless criticism, blame and making drama out of anything we did or said.

The part where you are speaking how we have rigid mindset and we are unable to see why we put off people - is something that should be applied to yourself.. What I witnessed in YT comment section past two months is that You are unable to hear feedback when I speak about the truth and reality - and you are stubborn in your own explanations which are limiting and which hence apply to a extremely small population of people, who most probably will never watch your video to begin with.

I am not sure that telling people that their brain is a disorder will work well in the end. This ideology which is based on fake unscientific statistics filled with researcher bias - that leads to anyone who was abused and exposed to narcissistic abuse - to believe that their brain is abnormal - while they are experiencing normal reactions to abnormal people.
Also when we start to stigmatize anything that is different from neurotypical experience - we will end up pathologizing ourselves and when we are being accused wrongly in this inherently unjust world.

Your CBT idea that ADHD and Autism are disorder is ableism - it is neo nazi neo fascist belief that if we are not totally perfect human being - that we must be ashamed for who we are at our core, and then that we must accept a role of victim and slave- while we serve and obey "normal" people who explain us what is reality - since we are too damaged to think for ourselves.

I would be pragmatic - how much people actually get help from your explanations?

And another concept to explore - is why do you feel urge to fix other people?
This urge to fix and cure other people is called codependency and borderline disorder - it is something that is a disorder and needs to be cured.

Why would be so hard to listen to people and understand them?
Why is this so hard?
Why is so hard to accept other people who are not serial killers, who are not burning your house down, who are not cursing you, who are not anti-social - yet in the same time you feel good about yourself when you are pontificating and do nothing else but to diagnose someone who struggles with fears due to abuse?

This urge to be above others and to seek validation and approval from others is narcissism. Many covert narcissists are not openly abusive - but they appear as help - and they provide this "help" as being a Rescuer in Karpman Drama Triangle.

Hopefully, this will give you material to study.-

YT "RSD Comment Reactions
"

What I find annoying in your videos is that you present yourself as someone above everyone else. Which is pretty narcissistic, covert narcissist are mostly in helping professions where they appear as god like figure who then take care and abuse and control and manipulate servants and anyone in need or help. There is this distorted need to control and manipulate masses in order to feel good about oneself and regulated.

Your explanations about RSD are extremely judgmental and come from the place of entitlement and privilege - which I guess is because you rely heavily on ableist CBT which to someone with ADHD is the analogy of being a Jew in Nazi Berlin in 1930 and going to Nazi HQ to get information about human rights. CBT is awful abusive therapy that ought to be banned and anyone practicing it should go to long term jail due to amount of damage it is creating in people who honestly seek help. Instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology and IFS Model - which actually helps with RSD and other issues.

You repeatedly describe RSD as being imaginary which is unfair and self-blaming for anyone who was a target of assault from toxic people.
I do not understand why narcissists find it so hard to listen to others and understand others without placing quick labels on others to put them down and shut others up since narcissists cannot handle their own dysregulation so they get triggered by someone else's fears and panic when these are being expressed.

Narcissism is not the same as NPD.
These are two separate conditions.
There is even a healthy narcissism.
What Kenny is speaking here is that narcissism is spreading like a virus. If we are around someone who is toxic - we will copy paste their behavior unconsciously and totally outside of our awareness.

Sam Vaknin described this phenomena as Entraining.

It is important that we realize that we HAVE problem but in the same time WE ARE NOT problem ourselves.
We have reaction to toxic people - we are not abnormal for being abused - since we never chosen to be abused.
And this actually was not abuse at all.
We were assaulted - and there is a difference - since being abused implies we have a choice to run away. Being assaulted means minding our own business and then being backstabbed by psychopaths who walk around freely in normal society causing random damage without getting arrested and accounted for their crimes.

With boundaries and checking and being preoccupied where is the other person - this is still being highly codependent - since you are creating other people into god parent figure that is center around your solar system that you run around.
Breaking free from codependency means realizing that we are not a planet and that we do not need to be stuck in someone's solar system at their convenience - but that we are human beings who can communicate with others and break communication with predators and parasites and keep away from people who a re devoted to drama and never.ending problems that they are addicted to create over and over again.

Because nobody explained us that this is a form of narcissism.
Once we understand that codependency is the same mental state as toxic people who destroyed our mental health - then it is easier to get clear about our own Worth and our direction in life.
With label codependency we end up being stuck with victim mentality - and we think we are not strong enough as abusers and criminals who succeed in life by being cruel and abusive - we see ourselves as walking targets because we are normal and healthy and kind and friendly.
When we discover that we actually do have our Jung Dark shadow, we can also find our own energy and capacity to reject toxic people who abuse us.
-

YT "[ADHD] Rejection Sucks - Here's What To Do About It
"

Dr Dodson believes that RSD is not social anxiety because according to him, socially anxious do not worry about social events AFTER these events are gone. This assertation is incorrect and millions of social anxiety books will prove him wrong - and socially anxious people as well.
Another complaint about Dr Dodson is that in his explanations RSD is based on CBT and this means - that rejection which we experience is a mere hallucination and that abuse and toxic people do not exist - that we are simply fabricating it all in our heads - which is extremely privileged and entitled view that only CBT can come up with.

I believe that we can divide people with RSD in two main groups:
1) those who are not educated in psychology and who never actually read any book or watched any video about social anxiety and other issues. Such people run on being unaware of reality - and they will mislabel and have perceived rejection
HOWEVER
there is second group
2) people like us who are actually spending their free time to learn about issues - and we take a lot of mental energy to evaluate and affirm what is really going on - and rejection that we feel is actually unfair and unjust real event of abuse.
This means - if someone explain us that our pain and hurt that we feel when we are attacked and assaulted is imaginary - is actually really insulting.

What Mr Dodson does not explore is narcissism and ACoA.
RSD stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse - someone in charge in our formative years who blamed us for anything that moves and criticized us all the time and then punished us for not being perfect - in early age when being perfect was impossible to attain since we are learning how life works in the first place.
In such toxic ambient - we will be entrained (Sam Vaknin) with self referential thinking - where we will personalize other people's anger and mood swings as our own fault and blame, automatically. Healing RSD means healing narcissism inside us and healing after-effects of narcissistic abuse which we never invited nor agreed nor caused to happen in the first place.

10.1.2024

There are many conditions and phenomena and explanations which are hidden from us. We are easy to manipulate when someone with agenda place quick labels on us - and then we depend on their books, coaching, explanations, therapy and become depended on people who are psychopaths in power.

YT "Avoidant Personality Disorder & "quiet" Borderline Personality Disorder"

DSM and CBT are doing disservice to anyone seeking true honest authentic help.
Personality disorder means stubborn person who is not open to exploring ideas or understanding nor trying to understand anything opposing to their beliefs.
It is more probable that behind ADHD, Quiet BPD and AvPD lies traumatized person who was abused, gaslighted and scapegoated into reactions which appear as mental illness - however they are totally natural reactions to abnormal people and abnormal situations. Especially if such person is able to verbalize and explore and is curious about own reactions and emotions and is OPEN to interpretations and explanations.
Anyone struggling with AvPD please put ableist CBT in rubbish bin and turn over to IFS Model.

It all stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse in our formative years (ACoA and ACE).
So narcissism is the cause of toxic shame and mental health issues we struggle with.
Narcissists themselves never end up in therapy - their targets do. And ironically/paradoxically targets of narc abuse end up being diagnosed with issues which their abusers have.

DSM and CBT are doing incredible damage by pathologizing our feelings, emotions, reactions- while in the same time totally ignoring the instigators of such "disorders" and dysregulation.
There is ACE test available online - it is free, it is quick, it requires no login - we can check the level of abuse and hence stop blaming ourselves for being "lazy" or "deciding" to feel this way, or CBT idea to discipline ourselves which only leads to issues being masked, made functional and denied - and then we do not do anything to stop codependency and leave toxic ambient.

I agree with what you said - HOWEVER in the same time we need to pay attention what the people are actually SAYING.
I never said someone IS a narc.
I definitely used the word IT SOUNDS LIKE.
That is a lot different than making a definite statement.
Small detail - but our brain tend to generalize and make drama out of gray areas.
This phenomena to cut out and edit people's words and then use hyper-cognition to make false accusation based on a delusion is called BPD Splitting, black and white thinking - and it is common in narcissism too.
And this is what CBT is calling as cognitive distortions - but it is more serious than that.
This kind of thinking is by-product of being exposed to narc ACOA ACE abuse during childhood, over long period of time in our formative years - when our brain was supposed to be loved and accepted - it received rejection and criticism and stigma 24/7

Chances are if we were abused in ACoA and ACE that we will tend to mimic narcissistic behavior that we were exposed to during long period of time - either in our formative years or in adulthood in toxic family or toxic jobs.
This phenomena is called entraining and Sam Vaknin talked about it.

Personality disorders are extremely hard to cure because we will tend to have defensive mechanisms where someone's truth and facts will appear as attack and we will experience Cognitive Dissonance - where new information will feel as pain and hurt, something hard to process and easy to reject and feel disgust. This way we will be kept on stuck on our previous rigid mindset - and that is personality disorder, inability to doubt our own perceptions and personal beliefs which appear as reality to us.

300 years ago Descartes discovered that once we start to doubt anything and anyone including ourselves - that this is the moment when we will start to think for the first time.
dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum ("I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am").
This discovery of thinking was revolutionary in world and he professed this knowledge on royal courts around Europe.

(11.1.2024)

That is great advice " I want to take a sip of water, or look at something else, or start walking" - however it does not really work in real life situations where dysregulation occurs - such as job setting with ongoing mobbing where we simply cannot leave the post and take a walk or that with sip of water the abusers and unfair accusations and mistreatment from others will go away on its own.
We are dysregulated because of aggressive mentally ill predators and psychopaths around us - it is really not or fault nor we instigated the assault nor coercive control from narcissists and impulsive borderliners who infested our areas of life which are crucial such as job or neighbors or streets or any place where we need something from it so we can't quit it - like home, shelter, source of money, source of critical information.

Any idea that we need to calm down is really insulting because it makes us feel blame and shame for being abused - while in the same time nobody is pinpointing or accusing or taking hold on responsibility for damaged mentally ill people around us who cause all the havoc in the first place.

Mixing up religion and mental health issues caused by abuse and predators who assault us - is really a bad idea.
This leads to delusions and hallucinations and beliefs that somehow we deserved the trauma or that we need to be abused in order to be closer to god. Such thinking is extremely damaging to the psyche and adds up to trauma caused by predators and narcissists who love that we pinpoint finger at anyone else but them, the true cause of mental disorders and panic that we experience in the first place.

If person feels like anger is the only emotion to express their concern about certain issue - that is personality disorder and mental illness. Normal healthy sane person does not feel angry all the time. It is only someone who is damaged and distorted inside that does that.
Ongoing anger is a sign of narcissism and borderline personality disorder.

What I find incredible in capitalism - in countries where there is low unemployment - is how come an organization that abuses its employees succeed in the market?
Because if the ambient is toxic - then the abused person really needs to quit this job and move on to the next job. This way angry person who is unable to be social - will be doomed and his business will crash since nobody will go to work in such sick environment.

It is only in Eastern Europe and poor countries where predators and narcissists succeed because they blackmail their employees - who cannot change the job and hence stay stuck in abusive and mentally ill job post.

It is interesting to see this is happening in Croatia right now. For 30 years narcissists and drug abusers and alcoholics have abused employees and hold them hostage at toxic job places - and they said Well if you don't like it here - go somewhere else - where another job was hard to find - and all jobs had really low pay -
well now there is a shortage of workers. And Croatia imports workers from Nepal to fulfill the jobs.

Also - environment of abuse and narcissism - is always a highway to corruption and poverty - as is case in poor countries, with poor economies due to oppression and exploitation of workers by mentally ill predators in authority .

Great insight
"I learned that abuse can and will make you lose empathy for your abuser."
And this is a great revelation - that narcissists treat us like crap because they see us as abuser.
They see our words, opinions, actions as narcissistic. They see us as foreign body, like a virus that is attacking them - even though we are in close contact with them and we do things for them, we are kind to them, we don't curse them, we don't criticize them - in the same time, due to delusions and dissociation from reality - they interpret any kind of movement in words thoughts or actions as us being the critic.
As Doctor Ramani said in this video - they notice the smallest details and it bothers them, they interpret this as attack and paranoia and we are the enemy to them really - even though we have no agenda. They have agenda and they hate everyone - so they believe ALL people do this the same thing in their head - that we also have agenda to take advantage of them and discard them later on.

You are correct. I am not topic, neither you are.
Whatever you believe - you are in total control and you will carry consequences of your own beliefs -
I can only talk about those consequences and what will happen in that hyper reality - once the reality really happens and catches up to us and our evil.

(12.1.2024)

YT "Dealing with Anger Issues…
"

This realization is hard for anybody growing up in dysfunctional ambient of constant criticism, discipline and correction - then being conditioned to fix other people and depend on their approval is the only reality.
And what you say in this video will be shocking yet true message for anyone struggling with other people's rejection, criticism and anger - that their opinion cannot, it really cannot destroy our Self inside. And nope - we do not need to serve such people and try to correct their thinking and make us to like us.

In reality, this anger issue is rejection and this is a building block for any mental illness and mental issues that people face. However due to society and medical industry - this central issue gets buried and masked and people are not aware that they cannot get damaged if someone is angry at them.

That smashing things is a product, it is a by-product of anger. The real issue with anger are hidden beliefs and unconscious convictions that appear real and as reality in our head and they hurt us and we feel pain - and then we react to this pain in order to regulate ourselves and to feel safe - whereas that by-product was caused by conditioning in our formative years called AcoA anc ACE - which are running our lives without us being aware we have trauma stuck inside our body propelling us to react in dysfunctional manner.

After 20 years of CBT I ended up with people pleasing and fawning, even suicidal because I could not regulate myself when other people were angry. I would end up with CBT mantra that I have dysfunctional brain that must be monitored and scrutinized all the time - that I relied on other people to guide me and I believed other people are healthy and normal-
which is not the case at all.
When we cannot trust our own brain, we will become codependent on other people - and then narcissists and predators will see us as super easy target to exploit , discard and abuse in repetitive cycles - while we will be stuck with CBT explanations that we have cognitive distortions which are the only problem in the world.

Plus, with a diagnosis - we don't resolve anything - we only add more toxic shame on top of the existing one.
CBT ought to be banned, it is doing incredibly psychological damage to anyone being abused traumatized attacked and CBT keeps them locked into this trauma state forever through ineffective CBT explanations and methods such as exposure therapy or listing fears or facing pathological liars and expecting them to listen to us.

"This is such a huge hurdle to jump over but once you do...boy the weight that you are no longer carrying around is unreal and you can actually take inventory of yourself and what you want to focus on and it doesn't have to be other people's feelings!!!"

It is extremely hard - not only because of hypnosis and programming and confirmation bias and anchoring bias inside us - but also due to toxic society and toxic ambient around us telling us wrong information and wrong explanation as in quote that I will put below.
But also due to the fact that our life long ACE aCoA byproducts is forcing us to make connections with predators and narcs - so we are surrounded by people from which we cannot simply leave due to finances or shelter or contract or third parties - and in the same time they inundate us with drama and hysteria each day, keeping us in constant state of hypervigilance and survival mode all the time 24/7.

(13.1.2024)

"what do you mean the problem is abusive toxic predators?"
This is the central problem that people do not understand due to lack of education and common sense.
Tell me -
why people do have social anxiety?
Because they lack social skills?
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety.
Meaning social is STEMMING from the social factor. Other people. Toxic people. Predators. We don't feel panic when around people whom we know we can trust.
We will experience social panic when in unknown, mysterious, threatening situations similar to the original event which triggered the social anxiety in the first place.
Social anxiety is not something that happened when we walked out in the street, randomly like catching a flu. Social anxiety did not start out of sheer boredom.
Social anxiety starts as an exposure to narcissistic abuse over long period of time in our formative years.
Why is this so HARD to understand.
I find over and over people like you who simply cannot absorb this information.
I learned this is due to narcissism.
Social anxiety that you feel is not social anxiety - it is either shyness or narcissism itself.
That is what is creating so much conflict with it. Because people like you showed up in 1990s when CBT and DSM were making research about social anxiety - and then based explanations and cure based on people like you - shy and narcissistic people who never ever had social anxiety in the first place at all.

"The seminar is not about that."
Because the seminar is based on shyness and narcissism - not social anxiety.
Social anxiety is misleading in the title.
The correct label would be shyness and or narcissistic injury - because that is what you feel. Not social anxiety.
You are misdiagnosing yourself -
and then people like you are making total confusion to people who really have social anxiety and actually read the title of video and seek genuine information - only to get false explanations that has nothing to do with social anxiety at all.

"If you need help with trauma you don't go to see one of these coaching sessions"
I would be actually pragmatic and ask whether any coaching session really helped anyone.
Since both socially anxious and narcissists and shy people are receiving wrong information, wrong explanation and wrong direction.

Narcissists like you will keep on building a fake mask and fake explanations of the world and continue living in false reality without empathy and actually understanding other people - so the only information that people like you seek is how to become totally narcissistic and not care about other people but to abuse them.

(14.1.2024)

"practice to speak in public."
You are totally correct. HOWEVER
Social anxiety is not the same as public speaking.
Fear of public speaking is Performance anxiety and it is not the same as Social anxiety.
Why is this so hard to understand?
It is called social+anxiety, not public anxiety.

To "look confident" is a fake mask.
That is narcissism, That is mental illness.
Being fake is dysfunctional -
because you will over-compensate your inner struggles and unresolved stress by pretending to be macho and strong.
All anti-social behavior stems from this fake mask and pretending to be strong.

You will:
- not admit what is going on - you will become pathological liar
- have no ability to connect with girls, you will be scared of their emotions
- try to dominate and control everyone since that will be your regulation system - and soon enough you will abuse and attack anyone who is weak enough to stay with your abuse

(15.1.2024)

I agree with the comment in total.
HOWEVER -
the inability to love ourselves - we need to know and learn and be educated about why we don't love ourselves first and why we fix other people.

It is due to ACE and ACoA.
We we exposed to narcissistic abuse in our formative years.
Without this knowledge - we won't have constructs to construct healthy love- including self love and healthy narcissism as you mention it.
Instead - our decisions, perceptions and visions will be based on the trauma from childhood. Over and over again.
We will tend to fall back to previous learned coping mechanisms -
and our self love will turn into over-compensation methods which will not be optimal nor balanced - such as addictions.
We need to learn that in childhood we were exposed to unfair and unjust treatment where we learned not to trust ourselves and consequently we don't trust other people - and we are afraid of their rejection now as adults - due to this trauma that is stuck inside us.
IFS Model helps with this.
Pure logic, will not work.
Telling ourselves to love ourselves will end up as new unhealthy models and dysfunctional coping mechanisms - since we have no idea what healthy functional construct is to begin with.
"Self love" and "healthy narcissism" are general terms - they are prone to be corrupted and falsely explained - and our unprocessed trauma will keep us stuck in same unhealthy patterns as before.

Yes. Some sources tell that the difference between BPD and Complex Trauma is in the self hatred.
Person with BPD will have hidden covert self rejection - that is hard to dig up, it is mangled and made functional through forms of fawning and adapting to toxic people - so this self hatred is not clearly visible neither to BPD person nor to other people around.
Those with Complex PTSD - were exposed to shock and unfair treatment - however their deep Self character persona was not rejected by themselves.
Curt Cobain said it clearly: "I hate myself and I want to d i e". That kind of statement is at the core of BPD person -
whereas Complex Trauma does not have this deep rooted desire to destroy one Self's core.
That is why discovery of Quiet BPD was revolutionary for myself.
I also had no idea that my Self is rejected and traumatized and suppressed.
I did took care of myself - by avoiding people and by watching tv and through intrusive worry in order to recognize red flags - however I had no idea that there are more healthier and better and saner methods to cope with reality which are based on this basic self acceptance where my moods are not affected by angry people around me - where someone being angry causes automatic self rejection and self disgust inside me and belief that I am the cause of other person's anger and that I must fix that person or else I will be punished and destroyed by them and then by myself in order to cope their anger. People with pure Complex PTSD do not have this automatic self aggression which is hidden and out of our awareness.

I agree with the first part.
CBT is totally wrong approach - and believe it or not your god Jordan Peterson is the follower of such toxic psychology that you have described. He is spreading narcissistic CBT around - the desire to label other people as crazy and then parasite on their confusion.
This is why there is anti-psychiatry - which is not against the psychology but it is critical of toxic people within the psychiatry. Like Jordan Peterson.

YT "Do you have social anxiety? #socialanxiety"

We need to discover and be curious about fears of not imposing other people.
This kind of specific fear is only taught and conditioned in toxic ambient such as dysfunctional family in our formative years when we were suppose to grow up in supportive loving ambient.
Start with ACE - there is free quick no login required online test available - to check our toxic ambient being stuck inside our body as Complex Trauma.

We were not born with fear of going outside.
This is conditioned fear - that was formed in ACoA and ACE.
The education about narcissistic abuse - which is always the cause of social anxiety - needs to be our priority. so that we know what the hell is going on, instead of CBT approach of blaming ourselves and disciplining ourselves like circus monkeys to perform tricks.

Social anxiety is Complex Trauma.
Abusive traumatic events are on the replay stuck in loop in our heads.

Self help industry is based on false and detrimental ideas that our mind is faulty and wrong - which leads to narcissism due to overcompensation and building a fake personality on top of the suppressed one.

Ok, but this is not social anxiety. This is Schizoid personality disorder - personality disorders are very hard to cure because person is stubborn and unable to see how dangerous and difficult he is to other people around him.

YT "A vacation cured my social anxiety
"

You never had social anxiety - you had shyness issue that you mislabeled and misdiagnosed as "social anxiety".
Social anxiety is not only a mere worrying what you look like. That is 0,0000005 percent of total social anxiety.

Worrying about other people that can be cured with vacation is nothing else but shyness.
Shyness goes away with exposure.

Social anxiety on the other hand is analogy of being trapped inside toxic job with mobbing abuse and screaming and hysteria 24/7 from the boss, customers and other colleagues - without any exit strategy to quit this toxic job due to finances. That is social anxiety.
Going to some hotels in Las Vegas or Hollywood - is NOT social anxiety.
Social anxiety is not having money to go to vacation, social anxiety is worrying while being on a vacation.

Shyness will stop worrying without any problems - on a logical manner - and exposure will prove that reality is not being trapped in toxic job with screaming and abuse all the time.
Social anxiety on the other hand is ACE and ACoA - being exposed to toxic people in our formative years. Being exposed to narcissistic abuse over long period of time. This cannot be healed by going to some cheap vacation and mocking Hare Krishna on the road.

Narcissists often portray themselves as calm and nice and good - but this is simply a strategy to attract new victims to abuse later on.

Nope. Hearing him does not help at all because he is invalidating people who struggle with real social anxiety.
Invalidation of emotions, denial of emotions caused social anxiety - and he is doing this in his video.
He still struggles with shyness which he mislabel as social anxiety - but he is talking about it as being strong and better than us because this is how narcissists get their ego inflated - by others being at owe at their fantasy that appears as real to them.

Being socially awkwars IS NOT the same as social anxiety.
Constant wrong labels, misdiagnosis and bias creates more disorder and trauma on top of the existing one.

Believing that other people are gods is borderline disorder, being codependent on other people to save us, people who appear strong and better - while in reality they simply project a fake mask which gives narcissists sense of superiority.

We all do. And in the same time corrupt medical industry is keeping this information away from us to learn about it,
We are much easier sheep to control and milk by pharma mafia and psychopaths in authority when we have no correct information to explain what the hell is happening to us.

Sure, healthy normal and healthy people do not care and they are not obsessed to abuse other people.
HOWEVER there are narcissists, predators, covert narcs, impulsive borderliners, parasites, abusers of all kinds, psychopaths and sociopaths - who actually have the only goal in life : to abuse other people.
We are unable to process this information because of egocentrism - we believe that all people are like us - and we are unable to see that there are seriously mentally ill sick people who are dangerous - and who mask their disorder only to appear as good and nice and someone who does not care about mistakes - in the honeymoon phase - when they attract and lure us inside their web of abuse.

When we believe we have wrong mindset - this is highway to toxic shame and self hatred - and that will cause the suffering, cycle and being stuck in loop of trying to get "correct" mindset.

YT "The Narcissism of Social Anxiety"

You mix up narcissism with social anxiety.
It is not the same.
Social anxiety starts as a reaction to narcissistic abuse. Social anxiety is being trapped with narcissistic person in formative years. So socially anxious person will learn how to think in a way to expect all people being abusers and then reacting to them in order to fix them and please them, This is called ACE and ACoA - and there is free online test to check if ACE exists.

In your case, you said that you experienced "social anxiety" when turning 17. That is not social anxiety. That is narcissism and borderline issue caused by desire to dominate and control other people clashed with society that tells us that interdependence is healthy on the other hand.
People with true social anxiety - they develop it around the age of 12 - after the bully event in the school
This happens because our mind has being prepared to clash with other narcissistic mentally ill children who are unstable - and who get more autonomy around age 12 - so they attack us first - we are the most easiest target to abuse: someone who is friendly nice and turned to fix other people who are angry and to serve them until they are calmed down.
The clue that you never had social anxiety - is that you traveled alone quiet soon after the "social anxiety" outbreak.
People with true social anxiety start to avoid and they are instead in cocoon stage- which you never ever had in your life. Instead you developed narcissism and borderline issue - which appears on the surface as the same as social anxiety: due to narcissistic collapse - when fantasy of narcissistic person clashes with reality - when people reject you and when your fantasies do not come true in real life. So you experience narcissistic injury - which has the exact same symptoms as social anxiety.

In fact in 1990s when CBT and DSM "experts" investigated social anxiety and formed conclusions about social anxiety- they invited wrong type of people on their exam - they invited people like you who convinced themselves that they have social anxiety due to feelings and emotions which your narcissistic injury is pumping out. And now CBT and DSM are based on wrong conclusions about social anxiety - CBT will tell us that "social anxiety" is hallucination and that toxic people do not exist, and that exposure and power of will can magically cure social anxiety - which of course does not work with real social anxiety. This works ONLY with narcissists and borderliners who misdiagnose themselves due to severe personality disorder and make themselves believe that emotions problems that you experience is a mere social anxiety.
You said that you worked in busy social contact job - this is another clue that you never ever had social anxiety. You had narcissism all the time.

Narcissists and impulsive borderliners - due to severe personality disorder - cannot comprehend that there are narcissists and impulsive borderliners around who are focused on other people - due to inner toxic shame which propels you to depend on other people to feel good about yourself.

It won't work because social anxiety stems from toxic people around us,
that is why it is called social+anxiety. Meaning that social is the element where anxiety is stemming from.
Social is the factor that causes the anxiety. It is not called self anxiety.

Anyone struggling with social anxiety - please stop listening to CBT - it is doing incredible psychological damage to socially anxious - people who were abused and who are still trapped inside abuse and toxic ambient. When we start to believe that our brain is damaged because we feel normal anxiety and totally normal reaction to abnormal and sick people in our midsts - we will become passive and afraid of people - so CBT will add up to more levels of social anxiety then we had before - because our reactions are now pathologized and scapegoated as the only problem. While predators walk aware from the crime hands free.

Spotlight effect is not general rule of life.
There are really mentally ill sick abnormal people who abuse other people and focus all their energy to blame, accuse , shift blame their targets through manipulation and coercive control.

Nope, it is not social anxiety that does anything.
It is toxic people, predators and parasites, psychopaths and sociopaths who destroy it all. Not our reactions to narcissists.

Due to your own narcissism, you have no insight in what kind of damage you are doing to anyone struggling with social anxiety -
socially anxious people are victims and targets of narcissists and social anxiety is by-product of narcissistic abuse (ACE, ACoA).
Your idea that we are hallucinating the anxiety is extremely damaging and blaming and you are adding even more of abuse on the top of the existing one.

Yep, his video reinforced the same narcissistic abuse that we received in our formative years (ACoA and ACE) and now the trauma makes us trauma bond with him - because he appears in our traumatized eyes as a hero, while we are hapless helpless victims who need rescuing, someone god like who will tell us like we are little children what we must think and how we must think - because we are invalidated about who we are and what we feel - is being labeled as hysteria and childish reaction.
This way we end up in constant toxic contact with abusive people all over again in our lives - because deep down due to amount of abuse in childhood - we believe we are incompetent and that we therefore must be codependent on random dude who appears as "confident" and "strong" to us.

Healing social anxiety means trusting our own emotions and beliefs and not making heroes and gods out of people who use glib charm.

Yep. People like him end up in social anxiety forums - and then people like him ban me, when I start to write what is social anxiety. They occupy the space and force their dogma - on already traumatized people who lost trust in other people. Just horrible in what kind of sick perverted abnormal planet we live on.

Why did you mention then introversion in the first place?
It seems to me you have serious issues about yourself that is probably connected with stuttering in the first place.
When we are abused - we will tend to be people pleasers and we won't be able to form our needs, wants, views, we won't be able to clearly state our perspective and we will fawn to toxic people who occupy the space and spread their dogma and misdiagnosis.
I would start with trusting yourself first and not rejecting your Self but being proud who you are as a person - because that makes you unique.
Not random videos like this who are created to hate yourself and then stumble over the words not being able to form simple sentence without pumping out labels and conditions unnecessarily.

I like this:
social anxiety is not fear of social situation.
And we can test this quickly - when we are in social situations with people we know, or with one person.
Also -
Social anxiety is also fear of expressing OUR OWN judgement in social situations.
It is bad if we follow and listen to CBT and self help industry - they cover only 5 percent of social anxiety and hence they are pseudo-science, not real science.

"some ppl genuinly do experience anxiety simply from the act of social interaction"
I like your reply and and I agree with it EXCEPT I would add -
that we are not born with fear of social situations. This means - this kind of fear is formed and conditioned in our childhood when we were exposed to ACoA and ACE toxic ambient - constant criticism,
This means -
that beneath fear of social situation is actually fear of judgement and fear of expressing our own judgement, criticism and saying no.
That is big clue that social anxiety is complex trauma.

Plus,
When there is absence of judgement - then this fear of social situation is narcissism.
Narcissistic injury and narcissistic collapse symptoms overlap with social anxiety and these two appear one of the same.

So if we have fear in social situations without being connected to pleasing other people and their viewpoints - this is a huge clue that social anxiety of that type is borderline and narcissistic disorder. Not social anxiety.

After all-
it is called social+anxiety.
Meaning that anxiety stems from being exposed to dangerous and threatening people like predators, abusers, narcissists and impulsive borderliners.
It is not called self anxiety. we are not actually afraid of our panic symptoms.
We are afraid of people who cause and trigger our panic symptoms.

Chances are that you are not introvert at all - but extrovert who was abused and harassed and developed social anxiety as safety mechanism to handle the abuse.
Same goes with empathy.

People are born only with two fears: fear of loud noises and fear of falling.
We are not born with fear of social situations - this is formed as reaction to being exposed to narcissistic abuse over long period of time.
Narcissists are masters in manipulation and gaslighting - that means we will end up pathologizing ourselves and blaming ourselves for being abused. And it will take 20, 30 years to define and discover and uncover that we were abused all the time.

YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety Actionable Steps
"

1) Gradual exposure will not work - because social anxiety is reaction to abuse and psychopaths. Being exposed to serial killers will not make us being less afraid of abuse. It will retraumatize us and keep trauma ongoing.

2) Positive self talk will not help because social anxiety partially stems from poverty and not having resources to be in better healthier place, and it stems from being trapped in toxic job and toxic contact - due to contract lack of money or third party we are unable to run away. Then positive self talk when being in place of darkness will keep us stuck in abuse - and we will never work out our way out of hole - because we will convince ourselves we are happy where we are. Plus - Denial of emotions leads to mental illness and it is extremely damaging to psyche.

Mindfulness techniques will increase social anxiety because we are already mindful where we are and this is causing anxiety to begin with.

Focus on others - we are already focused on others because of abuse - and we are microscopically zoomed onto other people through fawning and people pleasing and trauma bonding.

Set realistic goals - will not work because without money we cannot set any goals at all. Due to AcoA and ACE which caused social anxiety in the first place - our Self is destroyed - so we have no idea what our goals are and that we need to set them to begin with.

Seek support will not work because CBT is ableist therapy based on pathologizing and suppressing our reaction to abusive sick people who traumatize us and keep us in social anxiety survival mode.

Your video is instructing people how to develop and stay stuck in social anxiety loop.
Please learn more about social anxiety other than Wikipedia and generic CBT crap online.

YT "Eating lunch on the toilet..things social anxiety can have you doing #socialanxiety #anxiety #reddit
"

Instead of symptoms - I would rather focus on validating our experiences and not pathologizing ourselves and our totally normal reactions to toxic society and toxic people around us.

YT ""Blame your parents for your social anxiety" #anxiety #socialanxiety
"

Holding on to grudge will backfire and rancour will grow into allergy, skin issues, cancer and myeloma later on in life.

YT "Social anxiety monkey #socialanxiety #anxiety #twitter
"

This is a good example how social anxiety spreads into general anxiety - when we become preoccupied with nonsense and make drama and central focus on meaningless issues.
While true issue is simultaneously being covered up and not being dealt with:
that we are afraid of other people holding bad opinion about us.

YT "How does your social anxiety CHANGE you? 🙃 #anxiety #mentalhealth #podcast #trauma
"

Usually with social anxiety we do end up with fake persona and imaginary personality as defense - and this ends up as personality disorder later on - rigid persona that is unable to adapt or see affects and effects it has on other people and on our own emotions inside.

YT "How do YOU deal with social anxiety? 🫠 #advice #trauma #mentalhealth #shorts
"

Masking is dysfunctional and it will always create more anxiety - because we are now focused on pathological lying. And other people and their criticism and nitpicking and when they notice inconsistencies in our thoughts, opinions and behavior will be experienced as painful for us.

Mark Twain once said - and I paraphrase him: I always tell the truth because then I do not need to remember what I made up and lied before to keep lies ongoing.

We need to realize that this crippling social anxiety that we experience as panic - is not our fault.
We were conditioned to feel this, like being hypnotized on stage to imitate chicken - this is what happens with social anxiety too. It is programmed inside us during ACoA and ACE operant conditioning - being exposed to nitpicking and blame -
social anxiety stems from being exposed to narcissistic abuse over long period of time.
And our panic will attract more of toxic people and our mind will limit us to seek jobs and places and ambient which are similar to narcissistic abuse - since we are programmed to think that as our reality.

When we keep on self blame - we will continue to feel social anxiety as panic - because we are unable to shift the abuse back to abusers and cut contact with them - and start living authentic life instead of masking.

This will be huge change in our lives - because we might change our sexuality preferences, we will cut away toxic people who are most of our lives with us around and we will move away from patterns that appear as normal to us right now.

YT "Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD): Mental Disorders #psychology #facts #shorts #mentalhealth #disorders
"

Social phobia is archaic term, abandoned in 1990s when CBT "experts" discovered that social phobia does not go away like other phobias with exposure - but instead it is chronic like anxiety and exposure may even end up with more of phobia and new phobias shockingly.

Social anxiety is NOT fear of social situations. IT is fear of judgement and making our OWN judgements in social situations.
When we are explained and given wrong explanations and instructions about mysterious and unknown feelings that we have - this can set us up with wrong conclusions which will domino effect into self abuse and suicidal idealizations, so please stop spreading lies and cBT ideology here. You are doing incredible psychological damage to anyone being abused and who seeks genuine answers to social anxiety.

Social anxiety does not always end up as avoidance.
When social anxiety is made Functional - then the trauma is still present even when person is not avoiding. The best example is Michael Jackson who struggled with social anxiety trauma but performed live in front of billions of people and made movies without any problem - only to end his life in tragedy due to wrong explanations about social anxiety such as this video.
Your explanation makes socially anxious now believe if they expose themselves to abuse - that their social anxiety will be gone. That is a lie.

"Scrutiny may occur"
CBT never tells us what happens when scrutiny really occurs. What then Einstein?

YT "ultimate guide to social anxiety #socialanxiety #communication #strategy
"

You are totally correct. Social anxiety happens as by-product of being exposed to narcissistic abuse over long period of time (ACoA and ACE). The number one Agenda in coercive control of narcissistic abuse is destruction of our core Persona, our Self is being destroyed - also known as Ego Death. And we have no idea no clue that we have no Personality inside us. Instead - we will experience social anxiety panic.

I would add to your video - that anyone struggling with social anxiety check our IFS Model - since it explains why social anxiety occurs (due to exposure to untreated mentally ill people around us) and what can we do about trauma.

People with social anxiety tend to over-compensate and appear the opposite of what panic triggers us to do. Also known as Masking and making disorder to be Functional.

(16.1.2024)

I agree with you. However you miss the point.
Social anxiety itself is toxic shame.
This means not allowing oneself to express own ideas and trying to fit in into someone's viewpoint.
It is great that you love yourself, but it seems to me that this is just a lip service.
How do I know this?
Well, you would not try to convince me about what this video is about. You would not be focused on my criticism but the message that I am saying here - and that is acceptance and validation of our own emotions and experiences and how we cope with reality.
What you are saying in your comment is that instead of speaking the truth we all must think the same way and nobody is allowed to think differently than the given norm. That is rigid mindset - and all rigid thinking is unhealthy and it is a sign of self hatred.
We all have many parts inside us. IT is obvious that you like a certain percentage of yourself - and that you bury all other parts away and you smother them and you do not allow them to speak up - since you cannot handle emotions and uncomfortable states. Which is at the root of social anxiety - and that is the proof that we hate ourselves, we hate rejected parts of ourselves and then we project this into our environment and try to change people around us, so that they do not speak the uncomfortable truth and harsh facts which trigger our original trauma.

While it is true that personality disorders are hard to cure HOWEVER
It is our responsibility to help ourselves and to heal trauma and become healthy.
Staying in dysfunction means self sabotage, suffering, making detrimental decisions in life and harming other people around us.

Therapy can't fix it because DSM and CBT are not based on reality - only on statistics that do not apply to individual but researcher bias and wrong conclusions about wrong people that they interviewed to get results, and RSD is not hence recognized as official syndrome.

"Distract myself"
is dissociation, denial and suppression. All three do help to regulate - however these are unhealthy coping mechanisms that lead to more RSD and anxiety later on - since we never resolve anything when we go to Ostrich effect.

While it is true that it helps to occupy our mind - the core of RSD is toxic shame - which means - our mind has no Persona, there is no Self inside. Condition known as Ego Death - we are totally unaware that when other people's criticism hurt us - it is the proof that we have no installed Personality inside us. And instead of Persona - we are trauma bonded with other people. Other people's mood then affect us and hurt us and we worry about people pleasing other people due to this deep self hatred and self rejection which we are totally unaware - and the only clue is RSD.

When we have Self inside us - our mind will naturally be occupied with goals and tasks and projects, and we will naturally cut contact with toxic people and minimize contact with those who we cannot cut off like family or job or bureaucracy reasons.
This is different than Denial, Suppression and Dissociation - because we are not blocking anything - we shift naturally our focus and attention into life and living our needs and wants and issues that we need to be occupied in the first place.
When our mind drifts into other people's opinion about us - this is giveaway of unhealed Complex Trauma inside us.
Trauma means that there is a deep wound inside us - which occurred as by-product of being exposed to narcissistic abuse in our formative years.
ADHDers and Autistic people are exposed to constant corrections as much as any HSP person or gay person or scapegoat in alcoholic families. They will all develop trauma bonding in ACE childhood as a way to cope with reality where we simply cannot change job or relocate away from toxic ambient and away from toxic people. So in ACoA childhood we were conditioned to worry and please and fix and depend on other people to feel good about our Self and our Personality was never truly developed.

In our adulthood we have no Persona neither Personality nor Self - even though we might believe we have Persona - but in reality this Personality of ours is as Gabor Mate said - it is a collection of coping mechanisms that we copy pasted since abuse in childhood.
When we truly love and accept ourselves, all our mistakes which were ashamed in abuse - we won't worry anymore what mentally ill alcoholic and para-alcoholic people think about us.

YT "5 Steps to Heal Yourself: Childhood Trauma Healing /Lisa A. Romano
"

I never paid attention to beliefs and spiritual side, I completely ignored this - and it was missing, now I realize that I ignored important aspect of healing. For example, I have experienced Zoroastrianism from healing side in 2020 - and I forgot the power that it has.
Another thing that I connect now is power of being in the now.
I read this in self help books about social anxiety but I never understood it. For me, being in the now means not preparing wood and food for the winter time. Being in the now as I understood it from medical books - is ignoring preparedness paradox and being lazy.
Nope.
What Lisa explained - clicked with video that I saw in Heidi Priebe videos past summer.
She explained in her video that in order to heal - we need to be present - and this means not pushing our anxiety away - but listening to is.
That is being in the now.
I misunderstood CBT self help explanation of being in the now - that being in the now means not being in the now anxious state.
While in reality - being in the now is realizing where we are right now - not denying it - and then when we feel the hurt and pain - we will naturally do action steps to help ourselves and make decisions in life that will be in our best interest -- by avoiding and minimizing contact with toxic people and toxic ambient - and making long term project when we are unable to cut toxic people right this minute.

YT "Narcissistic relationships LEAD TO F***ED UP RESILIENCE
"

Toxic resilience would be staying stuck in learned helplessness and doing nothing to move away from toxic ambient and toxic people - due to being resilient. It is like staying in Chernobyl with thick wardrobe and space suit to live each day - but what kind of life is that?

All my text is evidence based and truth - which you will find our in the next 30, 40 years.
Think of my text as a time machine, an opportunity to learn about the future and hidden things - when we live beneath the veil of consciousness, filled with deception - deliberate one or innocent one like this video here, filled with misinformation, wrong conclusions, fake explanations based on bias and prejudice and anchoring bias.

17.1.2024

Anything we do with narc is doomed for failure and damage.
If we stay silent - they will interpret this as green light to continue and enforce the abuse.
If we enter into argument - this will be never-ending drama and hysteria while our information and data will be weaponized and used against us later on, especially if we lose our calm - then our reactions will be pathologized as proof that we are abnormal and that we are abusing them.
Narcs are like cancer of society - or black hole. It destroys the healthy matter-tissue that comes to close to it.

This destruction of having normal healthy intimate contact with others is called Attachment issues.
When exposed to narc abuse we end up with the most complex type of attachment problems: avoidant-anxious one - which is paradoxical and hard to diagnose - because in the same time we will desire social contact and avoid all people simultaneously. The contact with narcs is hell and it sets us up to live in hell.
We lose trust in human race.

Your message is important because 90 percent of you tube about social anxiety are blaming and using threats and put downs to depict socially anxious as "weak" and someone who chooses to be scared. As if we lack social skills and that we simply need to force ourselves to talk to people and expose ourselves - which does not work with social anxiety because

Social anxiety is not a choice. It is a reflect reaction mechanism to abuse - which is often time hidden from general public and the victim / target of abuse appears as if he is hallucinating the symptoms and threats. Also known as gaslighting and scapegoating.
Narcissistic abuse is intrinsically connected with social anxiety.
We are talking here about victims/targets of anyone being exposed to narcissistic abuse over long period of time in adulthood - and in childhood - also known as ACoA and ACE.

With ACE and ACoA - socially anxious will become people pleasers and they will develop toxic empathy - and this means they will feel enormous guilt and shame all the time - and this toxic shame and toxic empathy will force them to stay with abusive people and never leave them due to belief that the abuse is imaginary.

I don't like fancy words which are misleading, like "oblivious communicators"
This label depict us as idiots who are unable to detect toxic people.
In reality - these "oblivious communicators" are predators and psychopaths, narcissists who are DELIBEARATELY choose to abuse and take advantage of healthy, normal , healthy sane and friendly people like empaths and HSPs.
What toxic society merely describes as "oblivious communicator" actually lies extremely dangerous criminally insane mindset - and we are not neither choosing to be with them nor we are inviting them to abuse us.
The criminally insane psychopaths are having agenda and this is assault. Not some communication problem as toxic society stigmatizes victims and targets of abuse when they meet such criminally insane monsters.

YT "The Overt Schizoid: The Loner | Schizoid Personality Disorder and Adaptations"

"mimic social behavior"

I wonder how many abused people are misdiagnosed as Schizoids, distrust in people after exposure to narcissistic abuse over long period of time. I would say symptoms overlap here a lot.
Also - anyone exposed to any kind of abuse will develop avoidant-anxious attachment disorder - which also overlap with Schizoid symptoms.
Wrong kind of diagnosis sets us up to develop new personality around this misdiagnosis which appear as diagnosis. Then we end up behaving in a way that we were brainwashed and hypnotized into. This is the reason why DSM and CBT ought to be banned - since corrupt medical industry is doing more damage than good with quickly labeling people who went through trauma that was never resolved.

YT "#self-improvement #college #inferiority #complex #dance #anecdote #2024"

Inferiority complex does not fall out of heaven.
We do not caught inferiority complex by walking randomly in the street.
It is not like we wake up one day and decide to feel inferiority complex because we are bored or we want to try something new.

Inferiority complex ALWAYS comes from toxic ambient and toxic people - like narcissists, being inside toxic narcissistic abuse in childhood - also known as ACE and ACoA.
Also - the world can be divided in two main cultures.
The culture of shame
and
the culture of guilt.
All the prosperous, law abiding countries have culture of guilt.
On the other hand, all the poor countries, all war raging countries, all corruptive countries with mafia in charge and non educated population that votes for criminally insane psychopaths because they appear as macho and alpha in their propaganda hours - are all part of culture of shame.

This way - the Balkans are the only place in Europe which are culture of shame.
All the Asia except Korea have culture of shame, too. All Africa homophobic - is culture of shame, except SAR.

Culture of shame means that people are ashamed if they are different in any kind of way - and any mistake is presented as basic flaw in personality, to the core.

This way normal healthy sane friendly sensitive people will succumb to inferiority complex in such toxic abnormal ambient of shame.

It is wrong to develop even more of inferiority complex by thinking that we should change ourselves to be "strong" or that we must analyze our past and then shame ourselves for reacting to criminally insane people around us who are psychopaths and who abused us because they are mentally ill and sick.

YT "Masking is a Trauma Response (Neurodivergent Masking-Autism, ADHD, C-PTSD)
"

This is crucial and important video for anyone struggling with social anxiety, too. Socially anxious are not told by CBT and self-help industry that their social anxiety is part of trauma - and instead they are instructed to mask and create mask in order to blend in - which leads to people pleasing - and I can confirm this after 20 years of trying CBT tools.

Once I discovered complex trauma and IFS model - I learned that beneath the masking there are 3 hidden yet hard core processes going on behind the veil of our consciousness:
1) if someone is bullying us for us being authentic - that bully is mentally ill and psychopath. We do not see this because
2) deep down due to toxic shame we hate and reject ourselves - so we are open to all confirmation and "proof" that we are incompetent and abnormal - so other people's criticism will trigger and prove this toxic shame internalized inside us, that we are abnormal, sick, stupid and incompetent to live life as normal people. These toxic shame beliefs stem from exposure to ACoA and ACE while growing up: constant blaming and nitpicking about smallest things that happened.
3) with those two hidden factors- there is a third by-product that is causing us to end up with making wrong and detrimental decisions in our lives: inability to hear criticism. With abuse and self abuse - we end up unable to listen, discern the pain, the criticism - both external and internal our internal inner critic. Without feedback - we are cut off from reality - and then this sets us up to fulfill the toxic shame prophecy that we are "stupid" , that we are "incompetent", that we are not worthy, that we are inferior - and hence the only way to function in life is to people please and to fawn and to become codependent with self flagellation whenever we need or want and desire something.

Then we will end up seeking medical help through self help books and CBT - only to be once again abused and explained in wrong way what is going on. We end up being blamed for being "lazy" and that we simply are hallucinating the abuse and we are explained that toxic people do not exist, and that we simply need to fix our abnormal brain in order to become talkative - and to mask our trauma which is not recognized as trauma - and that we ignore psychopaths - because our reactions to abuse are labeled as being oversensitive and weak. More and more of toxic shame is accumulated here by official medical response to these specific types of trauma of AcoA and ACE that are causing masking in the first place.

In childhood we never received the message that we are basically okay to the core as we are. Unless being serial killer or Trump/Putin - there is nothing abnormal nor sick inside our brain, no matter how much people may mock us and our actions and beliefs.

YT "What jobs can you do with PTSD? #PTSD #cptsd #mentalhealth #overcomingptsd #trauma #anxiety
"

Just because we can hide and mimic and make trauma functional - this does not mean that we will crash one day when abuse and mobbing accumulates.

YT "Unmasking Cognitive Distortions: Break Free from Thinking Traps"

First of all, all people experience Cognitive Distortions. This is not something that we must remove and to believe in a fantasy that once we notice it - that we will be free from it. In philosophy cognitive distortions are called Logical Fallacies - and they are part of human experience.

The thing is when we start with CBT ideology to "fix our brain" - we end up believing that we are abnormal and this ideology ends us as toxic shame - deep hidden covert self hatred and self rejection. We end up codependent on other people because now we are convinced that our brain is abnormal and sick and hence we cannot trust ourselves. This CBT horror ends up as mental illness: borderline disorder where our Self core persona is destroyed due to misinformation by corrupt CBT and self-help industry - which is merely making money on providing wrong and detrimental information that appears as appealing on the outside, like any narcissistic abuser.

See-saw effect tells us that if we experience barrage of issues like "cognitive distortions" - like black and white thinking - this is a big red flag and alarm - that we are inside toxic ambient that is CAUSING the disorder. So disorder is not in our brain at first - it must come from outside EXTERNAL source - and this external evil is always narcissism and narcissistic abuse.
We are not born with wrong beliefs such as polarized distortion. This disorder always is conditioned inside us - most commonly through ACoA and ACE in childhood. CBT never mentions this. CBT is ableist neo-fascist approach that goal is that we become lobotomized slaves to corporations and psychopaths in authority - where we end up pathologizing ourselves when such criminally insane mafia is abusing us.

Even a child will know the basic law in psychology: when we resist something - that will persist.
When we start with CBT tools to exterminate anxiety -we end up with more anxiety. That is how our brain is made. This is normal reaction - that we end up being focused on problems - and CBT is creating problems - that we believe that our brain is problem.

Instead of CBT, there is IFS Model and Humanistic psychology which actually helps with mental health issues.
CBT leads to more disorder and self hatred and CBT ought to be banned.
CBT works in America where it was created - because wealthy Americans buy away their problems and their money is solving their mental health issues, NOT CBT.
In poor countries - CBT will lead to oppression and self blame and endless cycle of toxic shame - because CBT is narcissistic abuse, created by mafia in medical industry, psychopaths in power so that pharmacy mafia makes money on never resolves trauma.

YT "Is Toxic Shame Destroying Your Life?
"

Toxically ashamed people will turn to self help industry and CBT -
which both are adding up more of toxic shame - since none of those default societal systems are not explaining toxic shame.
CBT will tell us that we need to build confidence and social skills to beat feelings of shame. What happens with this CBT instruction - is that our inner critic translates this CBT tool into we are abnormal because we don't have confidence nor skills. So CBT adds more of toxic shame - since there is no validation as you described in video.
Self help industry is also doing the very same thing - and it is doing this to sell books - not to help us. It is made to parasite on our wounds. Self help industry will tell us that we lack something. So to people who are having mentality of lacking and mentality of not being enough - self help industry is confirming this lie and in the same time it instructs us to develop new layers of mentality of lacking and mentality of not being enough.
All those things that CBT and self help industry are brainwashing us with in order to deal with shame - will actually work AFTER we validated ourselves. And neither CBT nor Self help industry do not explain this validation part at all.
Once we build our Self persona - once we validate ourselves and have compassion for ourselves - we will naturally do all those tools and explanations which CBT and self help industry are trying to tell us that we lack - exposure, building social skills and infamous self improvement.
We will naturally be inclined to fulfill self actualization goals after we met the basic Maslow needs like security and self love - which we were never explained that they exist and that these are basic parts of our psyche in order to function on this toxic planet.

YT "If You Wish You Could GET RID OF Your Toxic Shame Watch This Video
"

What are those pieces?
- These are parts that we hate about ourselves. With toxic shame - this means it is when we make mistakes. When we don't know something. Situations where we are not certain how something difficult will turn out. It is time in our working day when we need to confront our colleague when they request something or they do something out of line - to warn them to stop or tell them no. It is when we need to make demand of any sort. Or when we need to express our judgement. Or when we need to complain about something - especially to some person who is rude and aggressive.
All those are those broken traumatized parts inside us - which are transmitting the shame.
And the it is painful - and we do not want to feel it- We don't want to spend time thinking about it or feeling it - so we will most often avoid thinking about it or we will avoid people or we will quit jobs and do nothing - because being in such situations is painful and shameful - since we feel passive and weak. And unfortunately most resources to help us with this shame - are directed in shame base instructions: such as CBT exposure and self help industry idea that we must be strong and resilient and that we must fight with intrusive worry through logic and positive affirmations and breathing techniques.
Exposure, breathing, logic, stoicism - these are all excellent tools. HOWEVER they are not appropriate tools for shame.
These are tools for doing. That we take action if something is urgent and nothing else.
Shame will not be healed by logic. Shame will not be melted with stoicism. Shame will not go away with exposure. It will stay with us and it will fester.

As Michele says - the first thing we need to do is discover what is triggering our shame - because due to pain and trauma - we will have Ostrich effect and we won't have conscious awareness about our hurt parts.
With toxic shame - hurt parts are ALWAYS connected to perfectionism and errors and mistakes and flaws - and our inner critic nitpicking them and toxic people blaming us and weaponizing our flaws against us. So basically and paradoxically - even though it does not seem that way - we can detect hidden toxic shame extremely easily.

The point , the bottom line with toxic shame healing is that we need to realize - that mistakes, flaws, being assertive, standing up for ourselves, making complaints, telling no to people - these are not important at all. We really can continue with our dysfunctional learned responses to trauma - to be passive and people pleaser and to fawn to other people - and it will work in real life. CBT and self help industry and most coaches will tell us otherwise - that we must become fake super narcissistic personality of grandiosity that looks smashing and that we must build super confidence that is rude to others and that has super lessons in social skills. Nope.
All of that is not important in healing toxic shame.
Paradox is - when we heal toxic shame - we will become super confident without acting it. We will develop CBT social skills - but without harm and without forcing ourselves - it will come naturally as any normal healthy child developed those without ACE and ACoA horror that we went through in childhood.
We will become naturally extrovert and outgoing and neurotypical - to the right amount that sooths our goals and desires and wants in life - instead of CBT exposure which is forcing ourselves to go wounded into toxic world - which only cause re-traumatization.

Healing toxic shame means being okay with who we are - wounded and traumatized and weird and passive and broken. That we are simply okay with it - without any judgement or desire to change us. It is about total and absolute acceptance and love for us being broken and scared and panicked. This is something that CBT nor self help industry are not explaining us. CBt and self help industry are spreading mentality of lacking and that we constantly must improve ourselves and be better than today - which signals our brain to build toxic shame instead.
With time - when we are okay being disordered - our brain will naturally do things for ourselves to pick ourselves up in natural way - without forcing it as CBT is telling us to do.
When we no longer hide away shame emotions - our brain will have enough data to make better and healthier decisions in life.
When we are forced to improve - we are actually hating and rejecting our pain and fears and panic - and this is why we are trapped in trauma. Because of this unnatural rush and denial of who we are and what we have went through.

"help my spouse learn to feel safe again with me"
really bad idea -
this leads to borderline issue and codependency.
What would happen if you are not around - she needs to get this safe mentality within herself - knowing that no matter what happens in the future - that it is not her fault and it is not proof of her character being bad.

YT "The Toxicity of Shame
"

"When you don't know that you're welcome and that you're safe and you're loved – it causes disconnect inside of you, it causes you to wonder what could make you feel connected and loved again. What you need to do, how you need to perform to be accepted. That's where it starts to be toxic: if you believe if you experienced rejection around action/performance – easy to believe that if you just act in right way, that you'd be accepted."
Yes!
And then people with social anxiety and fears and panic and avoidance seek genuine help - and then CBT (automatic default response to social anxiety) and self help industry - tells us that we are defective as we are due to our panic issues - and that we need to perform well. We need to base our mentality around CBT ideology of lacking - where we need to perform circus tricks in order to heal social anxiety - such as CBT exposure. Which does not work. Exposure leads to re-traumatization. Or we are told to build our social skills - which does not work in toxic relationships which we will attract with our toxic shame trauma - and toxic people love endless Karpman Drama Triangle - where they live in delusions and desire to make conflict - now CBT instructs us to be assertive with pathological liars - and never actually see that our panic is stemming from psychopaths - not from our "broken" mind.

YT "Weird Mannerisms of People Abused By Narcissists
"

The final blow of narcissistic abuse is when seeking help from automatic CBT and self-help industry - our by.products of abuse (described in this video in great detail) get pathologized by those people who offer help.

(18.1.2024)

I don't like CBT DSM usage of blaming and pathologizing words like disorder. The better word would might be disbalance.
If we are not Trump or Putin or some random serial killer - there is really no disorder inside us to cure. Only parts that need validation and love.

"hyperactivity "
This is great example why CBT and DSM are doing so much incredible damage to anyone struggling with mental balance.
Hyperactivity is found only in partial ADHDers. Not all people who struggle with ADHD are hyperactive at all - in fact they are hypoactive: passive.
Secondly, people / kids who struggle with hyperactivity will start to believe that their experience of the world is abnormal - and then they will start to mask and hide their impulses - in order not to be pathologized and blamed. Now the disbalance becomes covert and never attended to - and that is dangerous - because any pain and hurt that is dismissed is like ignoring warning signs of forest fire - in its starting phase when the fire can be easily extinghuished.
CBT and DSM ought to be banned - they are doing so much incredible damage to anyone struggling with mental health issues. Along with self-help industry and internet stoicism.

I would like to point out the misdiagnosis - because this is topic that is almost never mentioned and it can have grave results.
Also
I did notice that Schizoids and their therapist tend to mix up avoidant PD with it.
Avoidants desire social contact, they want to be around people and for social contact but they are afraid of negative judgment.
Schizoids do not have this desire to create contact and they are not afraid of what other person thinks about them.

"by stopping to care what others think of me"
1) first of all - you never had social anxiety to begin with. Social anxiety does not stop with stopping what other people think - because this urge to be preoccupied with other people stem from operant conditioning. That is hypnosis.
You can't break out of hypnosis by pure logic and through making decisions.
Worry about other people in social anxiety is automatic and hidden - and if you really do stop thinking about other people - it simply goes in other ways, hidden ways for the hypnosis to be fulfilled - much more hidden and not observable and thus making more damage. Like fawning and people pleasing or becoming hysterical Karen and abusive.
Which leads to second point
2) When we stop thinking about other people we develop severe personality disorders: narcissism, psychopathy and sociopathy.
The cure is not to go from one extreme into another one.
The balance means finding the right balance - to care enough for people so that we are not abnormal monsters and serial killers in the process.
3) You most probably had shyness, which is often confused and misdiagnosed with social anxiety. Shy people can easily modify their beliefs because there is no trauma inside.

Possession is great analogy.
I personally do not believe in spirits and evil spirits - we really need to be scientific and grounded and work with evidence.
I use Exorcism only as analogy - because it perfectly depicts exposure to narcissistic abuse.

People with personality disorders and anti-social behavior live in their fantasy delusional world. There is no way that we can talk to them reason with them or prove anything - because they are mentally ill.
You tried your best - and you will never be able to correct their mind, only a trained professional can do that IF they ever choose to get therapy - and that will never happen.
It is hard when we are stuck with such people - either in family or at job - because we are forced to be around their disorder which is highly infectious. If we are not able to leave or exit - we need to plan our exit. Until then - we need to learn how to handle and manage mentally ill people.
Arguing with them and trying to control them and make them better - will not work.
That is obsession part - exorcism analogy very handy.
We cannot cure possessed girl from the 1972 movie. Only a trained exorcist can do that and even then it would be easy task.
Our interaction with sick people need to be sterile and short and minimized as much as it is possible. This means letting go of what they said, what they done - it really does not matter. What they think, what they perceived, their wishes, their demands - it really does not matter - because they are mentally ill. Their mind is abnormal and sick and whatever comes out from their mouth is sick and abnormal. Nothing really worth to ponder over or worry or take personally.

(imdb)

The basic story instead of mafia and cocaine - is psychology here.
This movie is often mentioned at Richard Grannon YT videos - and that is the only reason why I am here to begin with.

What we see in this movie is basically what is wrong with medical industry, self help books, internet stoicism and coaches and group sessions - they are not helpful at all.

The mentor at the group session says the incorrect definition of codependency to begin with. He says to Renfield that his problem is low self esteem.
Nope.
With codependency there is no self. There is no esteem because there is no Self. And this is extremely hard concept to grasp for anyone who never experienced narcissistic abuse nor anyone who never actually studied psychology apart from DSM and CBT.

Codependent person is actually therefore not dependent at all - because there is no basis to be depended at all. There is no Self. There is no Persona, there is no personality.
Instead - there are coping mechanisms and tools to create a false Self, false mask to function in life and that is all. There is no Self. That is why regular CBT self help will not work. Because these do not understand that codependent person behaves as codependent - but this is only a mirage, a reaction, a reflection, reaction - it is not person himself. Ross Rossenberg says that codependency does not exist and instead there is a lack of self love.
Yes - that is correct.
There is lack of self love because there is no self to contemplate love for one self. There is an entity, a hologram, a holodec of thoughts that are behaving like Self and that appears as if the person is there - but in reality there is no persona inside. And that is the reason why codependency occurs - because no Adult would behave that way. To be depended on someone else's opinions, thoughts, orders, commands, explanations -

So anyone struggling with codependency - after all the books and therapies and group sessions - it does not work, it does not help because we are not told about the basic facts about who we are inside - that as children due to ACoA and ACE we never developed the grounding, the basis for our Ego to develop. Instead we build a castles in the sky and we hang on onto image, not reality to build our likes, dislikes and who we are and what is our goal in life.
This Self building must occur - before any of tools and mechanisms which are explained in CBT and other resources - such as building social skills and exposure and loving oneself.

(19.1.2024)

This is why DSM and CBT are making so much incredible psychological damage on anyone in contact with narcissists and psychopaths.
Victims/targets of abuse will seek genuine help and support - and DSM / CBT will label their natural reactions to mentally ill predators as own fault, something that they can control over and something that they invent with their thoughts (ABC Model) - while in reality targets of abuse are assaulted - and they have no idea what is happening - because psychopaths are manipulators and pathological liars.
Then targets of abuse end up with labels of being crazy and difficult and lazy. While in reality - criminally insane parasites walk away free from their crime.

Nope.
Being codependent is not unhealthy.
If we are around normal healthy sane people - they would not take advantage someone who is fawning for whatever reason.
It is only abnormal sick criminally insane psychopaths and sociopaths who are unhealthy and sick.
We need to stop this CBT DSM mania of blame and abuse of anyone struggling with mental health issues - and turn our attention to the perpetrators of abuse who are unhealthy.

Yep. the term was coined in era without internet - where patriarchy was in charge of explaining reality - so many labels from pre 2k era are self blaming and self flagellating and totally wrong.
In the same time psychopaths walk away hands free without anyone pointing fingers at them or putting them in psychiatry observation.

if those negative thought patterns are repeated over long periods of time"
Instead of pathologizing ourselves - which will lead to mentality of learned helplessness - we really need to take matter in our own hands and check out what is happening - and be curious - why?
Why is this repeated?

In normal healthy ambient - there would be no breeding ground for black and white thinking. It is only when there is untreated mentally ill person who is anti-social - that is spreading their abnormality into others like rotten apple.
It is really bad idea to self pathologize ourselves without making through investigation to rule out the psychopaths and covert - not easily spotted pathological liars of any kind around us.

This is what I wonder often with narcissistic person who is making criticism comments all the time.
What I see the difference is that narcissistic person will BLAME and shift blame and make other person as guilty one and THE CAUSE of the problems that they complain about.
Someone exposed to this relentless criticism from childhood will surely develop rejection sensitivity, social anxiety and complex trauma later on - because inner critic will be modelled on this COMPLAIN + SELF BLAME game loop.

Problem is that pathological liars and psychopaths in power are setting their own definitions of "complainer" and "confronter of issues" and mix them up purposely for agenda of walking away from crime hands free

Talking about issues appear as complaining - and people will naturally be scared of emotions and handling problems - so we will be blamed and turned off both by psychopaths and general population who is scared of emotions due to patriarchy brainwashing and CBT/DSM pathologizing emotions and issues to be solved.

This is what you get wrong.
CBT does not help.
CBT instructs us to develop Denial, Repression and Dissociation.
All of these are dysfunctional defense mechanisms - and all of these lead to mental illness.

"distancing myself from those repeated negative thinking pattern"
When we distract ourselves from the pain- we never learn about it.
Instead we learn that we must shut up and be silent about the pain and cause of pain.
This way - reactions to narcissists and toxic people is being pathologized.
When we mask our symptoms - we are not solving anything. Trauma is getting festered inside and boils into cancer.
When we suppress and when we are taught by CBT to ashame our emotions and hide them away - these negative experiences will come out on the surface as physical illness and mental illness too.

On the other hand - being aware of negative thinking patterns is actually being aware and being mindful.

Suppressing reality and refusing to experience reality - no matter how harsh it may be - is not mindfulness at all.
This is why CBT ought to be banned - it is giving us wrong explanations and it leads us to develop severe physical illness and mental illness to and we never do nothing about the cause of these negative thinking patterns - which are toxic people always.

I see it as toxic shame being at the core.
And all explanations and beliefs and convictions that we have - are merely a distraction and destruction of us looking at the real core problem: toxic shame being rampant inside us.
So when we cover up toxic shame, because it is so painful and disgusting and hurtful and traumatic - we end up with less devastating pains - such as beliefs we must forgive to someone for something. But - it is toxic shame really behind this matter that appear as the problem. Just to distract us.
Toxic shame is slick, it slips through fingers like oil, very hard to contain and put under microscope and see that all our issues are ran but this bug.

"Social anxiety is genetic for me and a lot of other people."
You are mislabeling HSP with social anxiety.
People are born with two fears:
1) Fear of falling
and
2) Fear of loud noises.
People are not born with fear of criticism and fear of expressing own criticism. This comes with trauma - abuse.

" I would cry when people"
Social anxiety is not crying.
Social anxiety is social + anxiety. It is not fear of crying. It is not crying. IT is anxiety from society. Not mother or father. It is societal anxiety. Something which you do not have obviously - because you are rude to society.
You do not have fear of anxiety because you are rude to me.
You are abnormal in your own way and have some deep damage in your brain - which is NOT social anxiety.

Social anxiety means fear of criticism - which you do not have.
You have aggression of criticism. You are anti-social.

It is great that you can mask your abnormality with conditioned that is not yours - but this is still your MASK. Because this way you can appear as victim and play victim while in the same time you are anti-social and attack random people online and probably in real life.
That is not social anxiety.
Socially anxious people are afraid of confrontation - they do not create conflict and they do not order other people what they should talk - because they have SOCIAL ANXIETY.

Lot of narcissists and psychopaths hide behind social anxiety -and you are great example for this masking phenomena that people like you do.

"Please do not assume that mental disorder can only occur through trauma"
Social anxiety is NOT mental disorder. IT is mental wound and mental trauma.

If we look at DSM description of social anxiety there are main points which many commentators here have no education about but they brag they know what is social anxiety.
like this cat person.

DSM clearly states that social anxiety:
- is fear of criticism
- when there are no other explanations for social anxiety such as genetics which cat person talks about as social anxiety. DSM clearly dismisses genetics away from social anxiety

Many people confuse their shyness issues and panic symptoms for social anxiety - because they never study read or educate themselves about social anxiety.

Problem starts when non-socially anxious people start to spread their definitions of social anxiety as mental disorder.

Disorder would be if we were serial killes.
That is disorder.
Disorder would be if we get orgasm by peeing in children's mouth like Trump.
Disorder would be if we think we are Napoleon and then invade Ukraine.
That is disorder.
Fear of other people and their criticism is not disorder -
social anxiety did NOT start on its own.
IT is not like we walked randomly in the street and then caught social anxiety by random chance.
Social anxiety is specific fear and trauma that ALWAYS originates from dysfunctional home and mentally ill person around us when we were children - someone who criticized us 24/7 and mask their mental illness for discipline and "care" - abuse by omission.
We did not develop specific fear of negative evaluation on our own. There had to be operant conditioning - ACoA and ACE in childhood that this very specific condition occurs.

If social anxiety was genetical - we would not have social anxiety. We would be aggressive and rude to people - we would certainly never be people pleasers and shut up and self censor ourselves - which is prime trait of anxiety and living in anxiety.

" Most people know if they have had trauma."
Nope.
They do not know at all.
People struggle with trauma - without knowing that it is trauma.

For average Joe - trauma means incest, rape, war, gore seen in horror movies.
In reality -
trauma is being exposed to repeated small dosage criticism 24/7 in formative years when child has no education is psychology and have no idea that he or she is exposed to untreated mentally ill person in authority.

(21.1.2024)

It is criticism. I have no idea why CBT and self-help industry are hiding the facts and truth away from us.
When we do not know the real cause of RSD - which is nothing else but social anxiety - we will believe in nonsense, we will get astray with wrong conclusions, wrong explanations, wrong direction, wrong cure.
We won't move, we will stay stuck in wrongness.
When we know that RSD stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse - we can educate ourselves about Dark psychology, about toxic people, how to handle them and first and foremost, stop blaming ourselves.
With any other explanation - we end up blaming ourselves.
That we are too weak, that we are too sensitive, that we should be stoic , that we should be strong. We already are those things - the problem is not inside us.
The problems were and always will be toxic people who mask themselves as help or friend - and we end up with toxic shame, we believe that we are abnormal for feeling hurt and pain of rejection.
Without realizing that this rejection was deception, agenda, manipulation, coercive control - that we did not invite, we did nothing to cause toxic people to be toxic and there is nothing to fix inside us.

"People ought to be corrected where they need to be corrected."
You are totally right, and this is true.
HOWEVER
fawning - is a sign of trauma.
This means - correcting people is not cure problem here.
The core problem is exposure to narcissistic abuse.
We might end up thinking that we need to set boundaries, become "better" and "stronger" - however this explanations are misleading us. We already are better and stronger.
The fact that we experienced trauma - means that we were abused. And this means our problem is exposure to toxic people who put wrong ideas in our head. Sam Vaknin calls this Entraining.
This Entraining - needs to go. This needs cleaning, mental hygiene.
NOT becoming stronger.
Building a fake personality - will make ourselves toxic.
When we are exposed to abuse - we are initiated into evil - to become evil.
So the idea that we must become rude person who is unable to listen to other people - we will simply become abuser ourselves without ever noticing it.
And that is how fawning got in the first place- we were exposed to people who were hurt in the past - and such people decided to become strong and stoic and superior - so they end up abusing people like us - and we ended up with trauma.
When we abuse other people - we are abusers, let that sink in. We are abnormal if we are anti-social.
Being social and normal - means listening and understanding people. Not getting into fights with them, not disciplining them.
We are not their parents. If someone has not learned basic social skills up the age of 14, they will never ever learn them - no matter how much we waste our time and focus and energy in correcting them.

Instead of facade of becoming stronger and abusive - we can actually filter out and voice out concern and criticism WITHOUT harming the other person. And we do that by healing trauma inside us which caused us to fawn - and that is basic belief that we are worthless - that toxic shame is the only problem here. Not us being "weak".

(22.1.2024)

YT "Having social anxiety is unacceptable.
"

"Nobody is looking at you, everybody care about themselves"
That is not true.
There are toxic people who do judge and find small details to abuse and use for their hidden agenda to cause harm to others.

Social anxiety is result of trauma and being exposed to narcissistic abuse.

The idea that we reject social anxiety - will lead to making our trauma hidden and rejected - and trauma will then fester. It will come out as cancer, allergy and physical illness and mental illness too.

The idea that we equate masculinity with confidence and being dominant leads to narcissistic abuse - because in real life - it is unhealthy and dysfunctional to be parasite. When someone is using confidence as a way to dominate over others - is being a parasite. IT is not being man.

You are too young and too impressionable. So it appears as if being confident means being narcissistic and psychopathic.
Glib charm is primary trait of psychopaths.
Instead of self tyranny - which will later on in life lead to abusing your wife and kids - and you landing in jail - you need to accept yourself as you are. Then paradoxically you will become confident and secure.
Buiding a fake personality leads to mental illness.

Maybe social anxiety need to be explained by someone who is expert in psychology? Not you.
Social anxiety is byproduct of abuse - by fake people like you who are suppressing emotions and who are afraid of vulnerability.
You are teaching young men how to become idiot and abuser - who will later on cause social anxiety in new victims which they will torture in life.

Stoicism does not mean being afraid of emotions and suppressing them.

"it's a sickness are something like you catch a cold. It's not like oh it's not something you just have like ADHD and it's also not something that can be fixed by a bunch of pills"
Jesus Christ.
First of all - social anxiety is not like cold. Social anxiety does not start on its own, like walking down the street and catching a cold. Human beings are not born with fear of criticism. This specific fear is conditioned in toxic dysfunctional home - by abusers like this Chi guy who profess narcissism and psychopathy. Glib charm is number one trait of psychopaths.
People are born only with two fears:
1) fear of falling
and
2) fear of loud noises.
All other fears are learned, programmed and conditioned - especially in developmental age during growing up - by being exposed to mentally ill people like Chi who are invalidating emotions and experiences in their children through constant blaming, put downs, not being man enough, discipline - this is how social anxiety starts - through childhood abuse called ACE and ACOA and narcissistic abuse. That is how social anxiety starts. So nope - it is not like catching a cold

Second - ADHD is not disorder. It is neurodivergent brain - that is working differently than accepted norm, neurotypical herd mentality. Idea that all people must be like sheep is called ableism - where anything different than the standard is labeled as sickness and abnormality to cure.

YT "This Makes Social Anxiety Worse
"

IFS Model helps with social anxiety. Social anxiety is Complex Trauma issue - it is complex. IFS Model explains in easy language very complex matter and it helps us to feel compassion towards ourselves which we chronically lack and it sets us up to correct mindset of creating ideas to help ourselves. We went through abuse - and it is painful topic that we will tend to bury and cover up. IFS Model explains how to approach this pain and hurt from our own capacity to heal it.

Yep, this is how we learned to survive ACoA and ACE while growing up, when we were unable to grasp or handle verbal abuse as children. It was the only tool to understand what is happening and how to survive. Then as we grew up - we simply copy-pasted the same mechanism over and over again, because the pain and hurt was too much to re-live again and to process it as adults. We simply never received validation and acceptance and mirroring needed in childhood age - and this lack of basic human contact keeps us doing it to ourselves - by not validating ourselves, not accepting ourselves - and we are hooked in repeating the same unhelpful thinking mechanisms that we were programmed to have in our childhood.
ACoA and ACE means - being exposed to constant criticism all the time. Being told we are not strong enough in early age when we were supposed to be kids. Being nitpicked for every single mistake or action that we take that was not mistake nor error to begin with. That is how we end up with social anxiety - being afraid of making mistakes, being afraid of being flawed and being afraid of expressing our own criticism due to series of passive and aggressive punishments that we received in childhood.

YT "social anxiety disorder #shortsvideo
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This is surface level definition of social anxiety trauma.
This covers 0,0005% of social anxiety - and CBT places wrong focus on us - we now believe that we are victim with victim mentality who is afraid and must be afraid of criticism.
In reality - social anxiety trauma (not disorder) is also fear of expressing OUR OWN judgement and making OUR OWN criticism - due to AcoA and ACE punishments in childhood - we developed complex trauma.

YT "Social Anxiety Advice
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Wrong direction.
Think about prison - it is far from comfort zone. So if ideology about comfort zone was true - then prisoners would become normal healthy and civilized after the prison - and in most cases this is not true.

Or living in a slum. This is far from comfort zone. If this myth of comfort zone making us better people - then slums would collapse on their own and drug and crime would vanish due to exposure to discomfort all the time.

Or third example - third world countries. They are filled with discomfort for thousands of years. And nope - they are not becoming Scandinavia or America or Japan. Instead third world countries are sinking deeper and deeper into corruption and crime and mafia -
so living outside of comfort zone does not help them much to become better at all. They are becoming worse.

Instead if comfort zone . we need to check out concept of toxic shame and learn about it and about narcissistic abuse and how to cut off contact with toxic people who appear as our friends or help.

YT "Social Anxiety Disorder and CBD - Dr. Jim Collins
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You forgot to mention this very important part of DSM5:
"H. The fear, anxiety, or avoidance is not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or another medical condition."

You simply explain social anxiety disorder as someone hallucinating the fear without triggers or explanation why these specific fears occur.

However in real life - social anxiety issues stem from exposure to abuse: ACoA and ACE in childhood, and narcissistic abuse in adulthood.
Your explanation is causing incredible psychological damage to anyone who was abused and then suffers from social anxiety trauma - because you explain their experiences as imagination and something that can be removed by logic and power of thinking. Which we all know will not work with trauma at all - and in fact it will cause more damage - because the traumatized person will now develop deep toxic shame and stigma around their relentless fears.

Socially anxious due to exposure to abuse by omission in childhood lack validation and acceptance - and your approach is invalidation and rejection - which makes social anxiety trauma worse, not better. You make socially anxious believe that their abuse experiences is a list of black and white symptoms - and that abusers should not be held accountable for their crimes and that we should never talk about abuse -but only to suppress our emotions and pretend that we are happy all the time.

Question is - why would you want to fit in into random unknown people who are minding their own business in the first place?
Social anxiety means that we hate ourselves due to abuse in childhood ACE and ACoA. This means - we won't know what we like, and what are our hobbies and interests in life - and we will never pursuit them. Instead we will relive trauma in our head every day and develop OCD compulsions to keep us busy - as we learned in childhood to cope with abusers and toxic ambient.
When we start to validate and accept ourselves - we will naturally start doing things which we like - and then we will find our people and romantic interest, too.

YT "Overcome Social Anxiety: 6 Essential Tips
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"They avoid what they need to do"
That is not true. Social anxiety can be Functional - which means there are really socially anxious who do put themselves in social situations - yet the trauma is still there. Confidence is not there even there is exposure. Effort does not help with trauma.
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety however he had Functional social anxiety - which means he performed in front of billions of people, been on tv and movies and interviews - he had money and career- yet exposure did not help him with social anxiety trauma at all. Simpsons crew that came to his house too early - was cause of his social anxiety panic and he could not join them until the all crew showed up. LAter on - his trauma ended in tragedy because exposure does not work with healing trauma - and his life ended in tragedy. Same story for Prince and Whitney Houston.

"New thoughts"
Idea that we pathologize our emotions - which are painful and obsessive is really bad idea - because it leads to self pathology and toxic shame. Now we will believe that any bad experience and any abusive person that we encounter - will be our personality fault and something that is wrong with us. This way CBT is doing incredible psychological damage.

Instead of ableist CBT - there is IFS Model which actually helps with social anxiety trauma-
Social anxiety is not a mere shyness as CBT describes it. Social anxiety is complex trauma - and trauma needs to be healed with self validation and self acceptance - not self pathology which CBT promotes.

Social anxiety starts as exposure to narcissistic abuse and psychopaths. So when we expose to toxic ambient - social anxiety will not go away at all - it will become worse.
If we expose to Chernobyl - exposure to toxic air will not make us resistant to radiation - exposure to toxicity will cause us serious harm.

YT "Social Anxiety DEBUNKED - Fact or Fiction?
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"Your lifestyle is probably the reason why you have social anxiety in the first place."
This is the same as to say that our breathing is cause of social anxiety - because in survival mode and trauma we have shallow breathing. Nonsense. Shallow breathing and lifestyle are symptoms, not the cause.

Social anxiety stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse - we were exposed to constant criticism, corrections and discipline while growing up - and this made our mind develop anxiety and neuroticism - and now we are repeating the same "lifestyle" thinking that we used when children in order to survive punishments.

When we are exposed to abuse over our formative years - we will carry a lot of unconscious automatic decisions - without being aware that as adults we have other alternatives available to us - other than hiding. This is especially problem when we live in shame Culture country - where people around are intrusive and rude and put other people down as a way of their lifestyle - then our social anxiety in such toxic ambient will continue with neuroticism and worry - that we developed in childhood as a way to react to abuse.

YT "How To Overcome Social Anxiety
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Social anxiety is not a mere shyness.
Social anxiety is caused by exposure to narcissistic abuse over long period of time -
and this means that there are toxic people psychopaths in power who are very much focused on other people.

Yeah, we all know that we need to tune intrusive people off and that we need to do things that are important to us HOWEVER
1) in toxic job without money to escape it . we cannot TURN OFF toxic boss, toxic colleagues nor toxic customers - and we are stuck in their abuse and mobbing 24/7. This is not spotlight effect and this is social anxiety - real life example.
2) social anxiety starts in dysfunctional childhood where we were exposed to discipline and constant corrections all the time. This means - our Self will be destroyed. Also called Ego Death.
This means -- that we won't know what we like, what are our interests, what are our goals in life.
INSTEAD - the primary concern will be safety and avoiding toxic people and being hurt again.

YT "I KILLED social anxiety
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Being uncomfortable talking to strangers is not social anxiety. That is a mere shyness.

Social anxiety is being in talking situations all the time at toxic job with abuse and mobbing with customers (strangers), boss and colleagues 24/7 without means to quit this toxic job due to finances. THAT is social anxiety.

Teen preoccupation with chatting with random people is nothing else but shyness.

"Our worst fears and experiences happen in our mind rarely in reality."

You are correct, however if we live in Shame Culture country - than worst fears appear daily if not hourly.
The idea to deny and suppress and dissociate from reality is really not good way to handle life. If we suppress our reactions to abusers and psychopaths - we will stay stuck with them and we will never do take any action to move away from toxicity.

So if we live with mentally ill person who poops in our bed and contemplates false court trial to destroy our movie career instead of leaving such crazy person you say that - we need to expose ourselves to psychopaths and narcissists and impulsive borderliners - so that we get comfortable living with toxic people?
Is that your message here?

YT "🔦 Spotlight Effect: Are You Really Being Watched? 👁️ #psychology #shortsvideo #shortsviral
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There are toxic people out there who constantly look others and nitpick their errors. This is not spotlight effect, this is abuse, gaslighting and coercive control.

YT "unfiltered - how to overcome social anxiety
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We developed overthinking because of bullying and trauma and toxic people who abused us in the past. This means - that there is unprocessed trauma that cannot be healed by blaming ourselves and putting ourselves down. Acceptance and validation heals trauma.
Overthinking about other people is social skill. 80 percent of people do not have social skills - because they don't care about other people - because they are selfish and parasitical and see their own interest and agenda.
You can be anxious and best person in the same time - these two concepts are not black and white, they are not extremes that are different from one another.

Being preoccupied with being powerful and superior is narcissism, that is not being the "best".

YT "I am a Agoraphobia #agoraphobia #autismawareness #socialanxiety #shorts
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Problem with CBT and DSM is that we develop personality around the trauma and symptom of being exposed to abuse and toxic ambient.
Instead of blaming abusers and psychopaths - we end up pathologizing our natural reactions to sociopaths. This way criminally insane walk around free - while targets of abuse are symptomized and stigmatized. CBT ought to be banned, it is doing incredible damage to anyone seeking genuine help.

YT "If only you saw the results from doing uncomfortable challenges #anxiety
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Problem with "uncomfortable challenges" is that you become slave to your fears.
Soon enough - you will be obsessed with rituals and mechanisms - which is nothing else but PureOCD.

Any reaction to anxiety is OCD and leads to OCD-
That is why I like IFS Model - it helps us to develop our inner GPS where we are reminded to be focused on our likes, tasks, jobs, goals in life - instead of being preoccupied in proving others that we are not afraid. As if being afraid is something shameful and something that must be destroyed.
Fear can be helpful - fear will signal us red flags,
without fears we will stay stuck in codependency and abuse and never move away from toxic ambient.

While it is true that every person is unique - social anxiety is the same for everyone.
Social anxiety is not unknown condition. Even its name tells us that anxiety stems from the social element: it is called social+anxiety. Anxiety is triggered by society, toxic people.

We did not learn to be socially anxious out of sheer boredom.
Social anxiety starts as abuse from society - and so the cure for trauma will be the same for anyone, it is not helpful to be stuck with models that do not work or to mystify complex issue.
Social anxiety is complex trauma, it is complex - but it is not unknown. IFS model is the only one that works. All others models are based on denial, suppression and dissociation, dysfunctional coping mechanisms which mask trauma and abuse.

This helps with shyness. Not with social anxiety.
Social anxiety analogy is being out there - in toxic job being stuck with mobbing and abuse from boss, colleagues and customers 24/7 without means to escape it. That is social anxiety.
Teen preoccupation with talking to strangers is nothing else but a mere shyness.
Easy to confuse without education in psychology.

The problem is that you use social media to talk about social anxiety - while in reality you are talking about shyness - which is not social anxiety.
This way you are doing incredible psychological damage to people who struggle with real social anxiety - because you tell victims of abuse to stay in abuse and to expose themselves to abuse.
Also you are patronizing them and minimize their experiences.

YT "10 ways to get rid of social anxiety.
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When we challenge negative thoughts - we create more of them. Pink elephant paradox.

Exposure to abuse and toxic ambient will not make us stronger - it will retraumatize us.

When we have empathy and worry about other people - that is social skill which 80 percent of people do not have.

CBT is ableist therapy which is doing incredible psychological damage to victims of abuse by pathologizing their experiences and instructing them to develop denial dysfunctional coping mechanisms of suppressing own emotions.

YT "How to stop being socially awkward and anxious
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The idea that we are socially awkward - needs examination -
1) who defines that is awkward?
2) why we would people please and fawn to someone who labels other people as awkward?

Manipulators, controllers, narcissists, psychopaths control other people by labels and putting other down through shame. So when someone labels us as something shameful - instead of automatically fixing ourselves - we need to first investigate the critic - is this person mentally sane? Is this person psychopath? What is their intention in their labels? What are they controlling. Is this a pattern that they do - nitpick and nag and complain about random people in order for them to feel good about themselves when they put other people down and pathologize others.

The idea that we are in our movie and that other people are background characters is called egocentrism and it is dysfunctional mindset that does not work in real life. We really cannot make friends or romantic interest if we put ourselves on narcissistic pedestal and see other people as objects that we use and discard after we are finished with them.

Social anxiety is complex trauma - which means we were exposed to abuse in childhood (ACoA and ACE) - and this means we do not have developed personality. Instead - we have coping mechanisms.

“What we call the personality is often a jumble of genuine traits and adopted coping styles that do not reflect our true self at all but the loss of it.”
Quote by Gabor Maté

Putting ourselves out there will not heal trauma - instead it will re-traumatize us - if we do not heal trauma first. We won't become healthy nor resilient by exposing ourselves to Chernobyl. Instead - we will become sick and develop cancer. In the same manner when we are around toxic people we end up with myeloma and cancer.

"as you get the labels of shy introvert antisocial"
Chances are that the true problem is that these labels hurt us - because deep down we reject ourselves and we hate ourselves without being aware of this self flagellation at all. This self hatred and self rejection is totally outside of our awareness.
This self invalidation happens due to trauma - acoa and ACE.
ACE can be easily tested online - it is quick, easy, no login required - we can prove ourselves that we have trauma that is unhealed, unprocessed.
By product of trauma is toxic shame - deep hidden self hatred and self rejection.
Then any comment and label will hurt us more than it would if we did not have trauma and toxic shame installed inside our body.
When we are not aware of trauma and toxic shame - we end up with videos like this or CBT telling us "what is wrong about us" - and we believe lies and pathologization because deep down we reject ourselves.
Then we end up with codependency, more of social anxiety, more of trauma and being stuck with toxic people who patronize us and explain us what we feel and how we should act - and our toxic shame and our inner critic takes their side.

23.1.2024

YT "How to Overcome Rejection and Get Over It for Good: Priority Message for the week of 1/22/24
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I would always want to know what is under the hub.
Why we want to feel special and good enough?
Why rejection occurs in the first place?
I want to know the origin - where this started, why it started. I believe this way we can find the "cure" for the cause of pain.
It is obvious that fear of criticism and negative evaluation stems from being exposed to narcissistic abuse over long period of time, where toxic person, untreated mentally ill person in our ambient caused us to feel toxic shame through nitpicking our errors and flaws and anything new and unusual and mysterious as our own fault - without investigating false accusations - and being exposed to constant invalidation.
So - if we realize that RSD is by-product of verbal abuse - we now have trails and clues - that we experienced criminally insane person doing crime.
Now we know that we will feel natural grudge when we feel slighted as adults. Now RSD makes sense and it is totally normal reaction to toxic people who pretend to be normal because they mask their mental illness - by blaming and attacking us first - so nobody will suspect them being sick and abnormal.
This is why I would not go along with CBT method of self pathologizing ourselves. We were exposed to constant invalidation while growing up - so now we are primed to accept invalidation as normal and to blame ourselves. Adding new trauma therefore will not heal us - it will re-traumatize us if we believe in CBT brainwashing that we are hallucinating toxic people.

When we realize that we were exposed to narcissistic abuse - we can learn and educate ourselves how narcissists function, what types of psychopaths are there - and what are their traits - in order to recognize red flags - instead of investing our time and energy with pathological liars who will blame us for their agenda and desire to abuse others - which makes them feel regulated.

With exposure to Acoa anc ACE while growing up - we will end up with internalized toxic shame - without being aware that this kind of specific dysfunctional shame is installed inside us. Toxic shame means deep hidden self hatred and self contempt. When we have this unknown and unaware bias against ourselves - we will tend to hurt ourselves by believing toxic people's lies and their discard phase - we will personalize as our own fault, that we did something to make them angry. That is why CBT is horrible detrimental therapy - because it does not explain toxic people - and it sets us up to people please others and to fawn to others, especially those who are toxic and abnormal.
For example - CBT will tell us to be assertive - which is catastrophic when the other person is delusional and pathological liar and devoted to creating constant drama and hysteria and problems without desire to solve anything.

With toxic shame we will tend to distrust ourselves - and instead we will listen to other people as if they are gods - and this leads to codependency and trauma bonding. This is where RSD resides. It is deep unaware self rejection and in the same time it is simultaneous belief that other people - especially those who are angry and appear as superior - we believe that they are competent and better - and we end up being their slave - where RSD is natural by-product of being exposed to toxic people who appear as help and advice giver - but in reality they are narcissists who feel regulated and happy when they control and manipulate willing toxically ashamed targets - us.

When we realize that we have self hatred - we will naturally stop this self rejection - and then naturally we will choose better people and healthier ambients - and then RSD will naturally vanish - because there will be no toxic people whom we stay stuck with because of toxically ashamed belief that angry rude people are gods.
When we accept and validate ourselves - when we meet rejection - this will no longer hurt us because instead of god - we will see that person who is aggressive, rude and unfair - is mentally ill and pathetic really - not strong nor superior and not any kind of god to be slave to.

YT "RSD is part of ADHD but it doesn't mean that those thoughts are true❤️ #adhd #rejectionsensitivity
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These are only a small part of RSD:
- I am not good enough
- They hate me
- They think I am loser
- They don't like me and I am nice to them
- I want to make them understand

All of these are toxic shame.
Toxic shame starts with ACoa and ACE - invalidation and lack of mirroring in childhood from narcissistic parents.
Lack of mirroring means that parents never invested any time to ask us how we feel, what we like and what is going on in school etc. Instead - we received criticism and drama and hysteria about any mistake, flaw or any kind of unknown and mysterious event - all of these were blamed on us - as if we done some horrible crime. Living in such toxic ambient primes our brain to develop RSD:
RSD is therefore toxic shame internalized inside us and narcissistic abuse experience in our external ambient.
Natural by-product of being exposed to constant corrections is deep self hatred and self rejection and self disgust PLUS ability to very easily detect new toxic people.

Most people wear social mask. They dislike doing any kind of task, most people are lazy and they would want to do nothing all day - so any kind of interaction is hatred to them, they really hate all people because they truly would want to be drunk and experience pleasure all the time without doing anything in life. Most people are like that.
And most people learn to wear fake social mask to mask away these natural state of theirs.
With exposure to abuse - we have ability to see through their mask - and this is what we sense-
they really do hate us and they hate everybody that makes them think or do anything. Problem is inside them. They are fake and they are pathological liars - and what we feel must be validated.

Instead we do not get validation. We get more blame and false accusations - similar to childhood - and the worst of it - we believe in pathological lying and false explanations - and we end up internalizing other people lies that they do not hate us. We end up believing that we are crazy and that we are delusional. We never even try to become Sherlock Holms and a scientist in a lab to investigate the clues and expose the elephant in the room which everybody pretends is not there.

YT "Overcoming Self-Doubt: Conquer Your Inner Critic
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Another term for inner critic is toxic shame.
When we realize that what we have is toxic shame - it is easier to know what we are dealing with. Inner critic appears as entity that has moral and ethical ground - something that we can't fight against unless we are punks or criminals. Toxic shame on the other hand is more specific - it tells us what we need to focus on. Toxic shame means that there is healthy shame - and that our job is to move in the direction of healthy shame.
With idea to crush down inner critic - we become narcissistic and abusive and toxic - because we do not have inner mechanism anymore to keep us checked from doing real harm.

For example - Rush Stockton was mass murderer in June 2023 because he destroyed inner and outer critics who tried to warn him that his crazymaking ideas of making vehicle from unstable material was dangerous at Titanic depths. He simply fired and persecuted in the court any HSE employees who warned him openly and criticized his delusional agenda - which ended as tragedy and him as serial killer.
This happened because Rush Stockton followed CBT that told him that inner critic is fantasy and we need to do whatever we want to do in life, without considering results and effects of our actions - since there is no feedback and criticism to warn us when we step over board.

Toxic shame on the other hand tells us that instead of destroying our moral and ethical columns and grounding - that we focus on doubt and legalizing doubt to make it scientific.
With destruction of inner critic we regress into Mediaeval mindset of witchcraft and not having modern GPS system anymore to guide us. That is why CBT ought to be banned .- it is doing incredible psychological damage by pathologizing our mind and giving us wrong advice how to handle trauma.

When we realize that we have toxic shame - now we are forced to become Sherlock Holms and a scientist in a lab - and we talk openly about issues - instead of destroying them all as CBT tells us to do. We stay focused on facts and reality - something that CBT mislead us into not developing.

When we believe in CBT lies that inner critic is fantasy and not who we are - we end up suppressing and dissociating from reality - and this leads to mental illness and schizophrenia later on. CBT is dangerous and needs to be banned.
Reality is contradictory, reality is harsh - and with CBT idea that inner critic is disgusting evil - we will soon enough reject reality. Because we will quickly label and kind of feedback as inner critic evil that must be released and ignored.

Constructive criticism and feedback help us to improve and to learn from our mistakes. When we reject this - we will end up being anti-social and dangerous to ourselves and other people , since we will reject safety protocols which will appear as inner critic to us.

The reason why we have toxic shame and inner critic in the first place - is because we were exposed to narcissistic mentally ill people while growing up - who were instructed by society and CBT resources to mask their trauma and make it functional. So mentally ill make their mental illness functional by criticizing and blaming and shifting blame on children - and then we end up with "inner critic" and toxic shame really.

I want to be scientific and check - a month later on or 6 months from now -
did it help?
How is your life doing after cBT?
Are you really worry free? Do you have some new issues that arise after following CBT? NEw problems which were not present before - like PTSD (intrusive negative images) and people pleasing and fawning - because we are instructed by CBT to distrust our brain and our instincts.
I wonder how CBT leaves us thinking and acting in the future when we lean on this dangerous therapy that ought to be banned.

btw
IFS Model helps with inner critic. Not CBT.

(24.1.2024)

"he never said that it means suppressing them"
Yes he did.
His whole video is about suppressing emotions.
Calling them sissy, non-manly. That we need to cover up issues and never investigate what is really happening. That is what he is talking about in his video.
To be ashamed of feeling anxiety and pretending to be strong macho alpha male that is never showing any kind of emotion other than anger, which is approved.

"if you let ur emotions control you then u are not a man"
Pathologizing emotions and equating them with gender identity is suppression of emotions and it is path to mental illness.
This is how rape is born.
this is how crime is born.
This is how domestic abuse is born - with that mental illness idea.

"People with NPD have trauma, too"
Trauma does not mean having a free ticket to abuse people. How we act towards other people is completely inside our control and choosing to be abusive is a CHOICE - not compulsion.
If someone cannot choose to be social - that is severe psychotic disorder that needs to be studied and cured in asylum, in cage - like Hannibal Lector.

Yeah, 6 months later on and thanks to this video I discovered that CBT and self-help industry and DSM are lying to us - giving us false descriptions of panic and anxiety -
and then we end up even with more panic , because we are being explained away that we are helpless and hapless victims - instead of full grown adult who can express his or hers opinion out loud and protest unfair treatment. Because DSM sets us up to think that we are a bag of fears that depend on other people to feel either panicked or safe, that this is something totally outside of our control. CBT ought to be banned - it is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone seeking genuine help and information about mental health.

Studies are filled with Researcher Bias and interpretation of statistics is very flexible and manipulative. Please learn more about Paradox of Statistics first and Researcher Bias.

Exposure does not help with social anxiety -it only suppresses it and denies it - which is dysfunctional coping mechanism leading to mental illness over long term. When we dissociate from the cause of our abuse - we will allow abuse to continue and make anxiety worse by staying in toxic ambient which is provoking and triggering social anxiety in the first place.
Plus - when we deny our emotions - they will come up in physical way as cancer, auto immune diseases and skin rashes.

Thinking about what other people think is subconscious and it is trauma - this is not something that can be cured with logic.
Please leave psychology to experts, you are doing more harm than good here with wrong advice.

The idea that you are Rescuer inside Karpman Drama Triangle signifies that you have some issues of your own - and you try to cure yourself by giving unsolicited and wrong advice to masses in order to feel good about your self esteem.

YT "NARCISSISTS RECOGNIZE OTHER NARCS, but Can’t Identify It in Themselves"

The same phenomena observed in anti-bullying campaigns in work organizations - where bullies report others to be bully.
While true victims are ashamed of being bullied and ashamed of reporting bullies - they don't want to cause chaos and have toxic empathy - while true bullies have no consideration of inner blocking mechanisms to ruin someone's life.

There are people who are not able to see other people as friend or anything close. They simply see other people as nuisance that they must endure in order not to be alone in this world and they force themselves to mimic being friendly - with horrible results when their mask slips off and they expose their zombie real face

Narcs use self help and psychiatry to learn how to harm people and how to justify and normalize their abuse. CBT doing amazing job in this by explaining us that toxic people do not really exist and that all our problems are caused by our cognitive distortions which we can easily remove through ABC method.

(25.1.2024)

I'll repeat - the fawning is trauma response.
Fawn is trauma response.
There are 4 responses that we respond to trauma:
1) Fight
2) Flight
3) Freeze
and
4) Fawn.
Some claim there is also Flop and Faint.
When we notice fawning - this is not some unrelated unknown behavior that stems from unknown mysterious causes - the cause is trauma.

Also,
when people are rude and inconsiderate to others - with NPD or not - that kind of anti-social behavior is NOT normal. Normal healthy sane friendly open balanced regulated people do not go around and attack others.
Only abnormal, dysregulated, disbalanced people with certain mental health issues are doing that. There is really no normalization or rationalization or intellectualization that can approve and dismiss anti-social behavior as normal and part of life. It simply is not.

The background issue is the fact that IFS model exists since early 1980s.
Early 1980s!
Complex trauma was invented in 1994.
PTSD was only 2 years old when IFS came onto surface.
Codependency was not coined when IFS spring up onto life.
And yet- it is now 2024.
We have been deliberately mislead with CBT and all wrong approached all these 40 years - because we have corrupt medical industry in charge with pharma mafia parasiting on our trauma.

Default therapy, self-help industry and internet stoicism are creating severe psychological damage to anyone seeking explanations about after-effects of narcissistic abuse.
CBT will tell us that toxic people do not exist and that we can cure our panic and fears that we struggle with after being in contact with narcissistic predators - as our abnormality and choice, that we can cure and fix through ABC Model - where we are trained to change our reactions to abuse as a mere hallucination.
This CBT is extremely damaging to anyone gone through abuse.

(26.1.2024)

" Are you saying that only neurotypicals are capable of intelligence, rationality, the sheer permission to qualify in any case as "normal"? "
No.
I am not saying this.

What I am saying is what Glasser said - that all our mental issues arise from abuse and being exposed to abuse.
The idea that we diagnose and sort people into NPD and NON-NPD is not functional.

Glasser explained how to detect dysfunctional behavior - and that is all we need to pay attention to and act accordingly. If we do not do that - we will tend to self pathologize and self blame our selves and we will end up forgiving and find excused for abusive people - like they have some trauma so this gives them free ticket to abuse others since it is "outside of their control". It is not. How other people are treated is completely under our control, no matter of mental issues we face.

Without education in psychology we go through our lives mislabeling and misdiagnosing our own symptoms and other people with horrible consequences and making horrible self sabotaging decisions without being aware that lack of education is causing domino effects of bad decisions in life.

Codependency started as exposure to narcissistic abuse in childhood, also called ACoA and ACE. Constant criticism, discipline and put downs and hysteria about any mistake that we done as children for the first time - being punished for not being perfect at it.

The problem is when we go from one extreme into another we will develop severe attachment issues -
like anxious avoidant attachment style - where we will have no ability to form any kind of business, friendship or romantic long term contact - due to overcompensation and healing trauma through surfing extremes, that we have no idea exists inside us in the first place - since we will swing between helping and not helping other people as our primary focus in life.

Lack of Self Love and inability to form our identity while growing up due to exposure to untreated mentally ill parent(s) who hide their illness in order to appear functional to society.

Yep, ACoA is causing this.
Many broken children have no idea that they are broken and that there does not need to be alcohol in the family to cause ACoA issues. Like para-alcoholics - who act like abusively alcoholic but does not necessarily get drunk

Because in ACoA we were conditionally trained to be worried if someone thinks badly about us. We were never been explained that we can allow other people to have wrong convictions about us, that other people are allowed to hate us without valid reason to hate us, and that they are allowed to have wrong opinions about us - and that we do not need to do anything to convince them otherwise.
Our identity, our personality, our daily choices and actions in life are our natural and automatic defenders and advocates for our selves.

By healing Complex Trauma.
IFS Model helps a lot to explain and set us on the correct path.
Caring for people and having empathy is not sickness nor abnormality.
It is the operant conditioning that is the problem - hypnosis and programming from dysfunctional childhood where we were forced to develop unhealthy beliefs about other people in order to survive - and we copy pasted these beliefs into adulthood.
It is like being raised in North Korea and then deflecting in USA - and now we need to learn that we do not need influencers to tell us what hairstyle we should wear. that we can make our own decisions on our own, and be free in our choices.

Yep.
"It’s hard to feel the discomfort of not being able to fix it."

This "discomfort" is Operant Conditioning, toxic shame, Quiet BPD, dysfunctional coping mechanisms which we developed in unhealthy ambient over long period of time.
There is no difference in this "discomfort" and Pavlovian dogs who salivate when they hear the bells ringing. We were trained like circus animals to feel this "discomfort" when other people are angry, when they experience discomfort, when we say No to them. Due to exposure to narcissistic abuse over long period of time (ACoA and ACE after-effects).
This Complex Trauma needs healing.

There is a HUGE difference between compassion and feeling of duty and obligation to enter into someone private matters - without them explicitly asking for our help.

ADHD.ers are prone to this need to fix others due to exposure in childhood of being corrected and disciplined all the time. Then Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria occurs - and that is building block of codependency.

Symptoms are not necessary.
The one and only cause are narcissists - who are causing all the problems in the world - and nobody points fingers at them since they are covered up and hidden away from focus.
We simply end up blaming ourselves instead. And feeling ashamed for being sissy and "weak"

There is a difference -
empath does not intrude and give someone unsolicited advice and does not feel urge to fix someone. There is concern and worry and that is all.
Codependency on the other hand is compulsion to fix other people and their problems due to fear of unknown punishment.
This belief is installed in dysfunctional childhood - also known as ACoA and ACE and abuse by omission.

Empathy is natural concern.
Codependency is compulsion, created by exposure to abuse in childhood like AcoA and ACE and abuse by omission - where we have learned that we are not accepted until we prove others that we are valid.

Yeah. Narcissistic abuse is extremely damaging. Whatever we do will be wrong.
If we do nothing - abuse will continue and we will be victims and codependents..
If we fight - then we become psychopaths and abusers because there is no other way to handle predators and criminally insane. We become Secondary psychopathy when we reject our empathy and desire to help others.

YT "Healing From Narcissistic Codependency Healing Trauma
"

If you are making quick judgements - you are codependent - without realizing it.
Codependency can come in many forms.
Usual most visible form is depending on other people.
Covert codependency is being patronizing to others, offering them unsolicited advice, pointing out obvious things in order for you to appear superior and smart.
You got a lot of codependency inside you - which you cover up by overcompensation and mocking others.

This is why CBT and DSM and self-help is so much detrimental for mental health - because people like you cover up your own mental health struggles through making your disorder to be covered up, Functional and Masked - and the best way is to appear yourself as superior and mock people who are honest and authentic about their struggles - which you hide and push down in yourself, as any narcissistic person and bully.

When you stand tall and defend and fight imaginary fantasy, that is called mental illness and being delusional - it is Secondary Psychopathy. Now you are more dangerous than serial killer and criminally insane - because you cover up your mental illness and pretend to be sane - while inside you are abnormal and sick and mentally ill. You simply hide if by pretending to be tough.

"People should be"
This is called Tyranny of shoulds and it is part of mental illness.
Instead of giving unsolicited advice to others and making drama out of other people - you really need to focus on your own issues that need psychiatry analysis, not you tube commentary.

YT "Healing From Narcissistic Codependency Healing Trauma
"

People pleasing and fawning is trauma.
This is not something that we can turn off with logic. Trauma means that there was some shocking event and there was a repeated exposure to punishment (negative reinforcement) - also known as ACoA and ACE in developmental years.
People pleasing and fawning is the last defense in us not becoming Secondary psychopaths.
When a child is exposed to narcissistic abuse - this is initialization and initiation into evil - to become abuser ourselves in adulthood.
When we remove our people pleasing and fawning - we will become abusers because we won't be able to communicate in any other way wiht other people but through drama and hysteria and blaming and shaming and correcting and nagging and complaining.
Trauma can be healed only with self compassion and self validation and self love. Hating parts of ourselves which are people pleasers - who were forced to fawn in order to survive- hating those parts - is not self compassion.

Anything comes in spectrum.
If we believe in binary system - that is BPD black and white thinking and any rigid mindset is mental illness and dysfunctional.
That is why CBT and self help industry and internet-stoicism cult is so much dangerous - because they all spread wrong belief about world being black and white - while in reality - it is spectrum.

The bottom line is when we struggle with issues that appear and look and are codependency- that deep down we hate and reject ourselves, and we have absolutely no idea that there is this self flagellation inside us.
And the only clue is - that toxic people are attracted to us and we are often left in chaotic contact with them, thinking once again that it is all somehow our fault.

Inability to hear criticism and detrimental results of CBT is pseudoscience. And that is what CBT makes so dangerous - it simply dismiss any kind of Milgram Experiment.
People screaming it is harming them - is dismissed because someone in authority ordered that CBT is fine. It isn't.

(27.1.2024)

That ought to be huge red flag.
Our loneliness and exposure to abuse in childhood prevents us from blocking such people - and instead we choose to form trauma bond with them. Not because of our free choice - but because of Operant Conditioning which is narcissistic abuse in childhood (ACoA and ACE)-
We simply believe inside deep down that we are abnormal and unworthy .- without conscious awareness of such toxic belief, and then we act accordingly by forming toxic contact with psychopaths who are functional enough to go on dates.

(29.1.2024)

IMDB:

During Xmas and New Years time I checked into IMDB current TOP movies - and this movie was at the top all the time. It is even now TOP1 on IMDb popularity chart (it is January 29th 2024).

The description of the movie is misleading. Both synopsis and theme - movie is labeled as "comedy".

It seems as if the movie was a background story for Blur's music video from 1995: Country House.

One would conclude that as if this is another American like movie with spring break nonsense of teens and early adolescents. And movie really does starts like that.
It is boring at first - there are all stereotypical stories which we have seen in the teen movies since 1980s, parties, activities around the school, meeting new people by "chance" etc.
Movie itself starts (and ends) with beautiful classical music - so this is a clue that this movie is not typical USA mindless comedy at all, sort of that you know what will happen in advance.

Also misleading were the comments here on the movie board. One would conclude that this is a semi-porn movie with bizarre sex all the time and nudity.
While in reality -
There is practically no sex at all. There is a brief nudity (3 seconds scene) through the movie - buttocks the most of it. The masturbation scene is never shown - we only hear silent moaning and we can see the masturbator's head and few inches of his neck - and that is all. The pee pee has its show at the end of movie - but by then we do not pay much attention to it due to story itself and trying to figure out what just happened here.

Psychologically speaking - this movie will be interesting to anyone suffering from social anxiety issues. And especially to kids in late school degrees - where they still must prove themselves and meet new friends in new ambient.
Anyone suffering with social anxiety is being told that there is a Spotlight Effect - where we should not allow social anxiety panic to rule because supposedly - other people are not interested in us.
Well - there are predators out there who are very much observant and who have hidden agenda - as we find out here, too.

Oliver appears as socially anxious to others and they take pity on him.
We are being mislead to think that he is confused and socially anxious kid.
Through the movie - there is a lesson to just be yourself and never lie to others - because even though anyone struggling with social anxiety will tend to put on a social mask and hence lie and make up facts in order to please other people - this approach of faking ourselves (which is common you tube tip for social anxiety) always backfires - because people do not like lying and being mislead.

Those who do not have social anxiety issues - do not understand that when they encounter a liar - someone who is pathological liar, and someone who appears harmless and easy to bully and push around and discard - that there is a high chance that such predator will punish you in one form or another for speaking the truth and revealing the truth.
On the other hand socially anxious were punished too many times - and hence they have social anxiety now.

This movie carries the message - that neurotypicals (anyone who never had social anxiety) will actually be swindled in the end by predators. We need social anxiety as a protective mechanism that warns us when someone is psychopathic - and neurotypical CBT message that we hear in self help industry and from plethora of social anxiety coaches - that we need to suppress and push down our anxiety - this unhealthy message promoted by CBT - will not pay off when in the presence of evil.

'Rosamund Pilcher' character - that I confused with TV drama series shown on German TV free to air over satellite - she is typical neurotypical person that we all can encounter - self involved and unable to process her own emotions. She treats people like narcissists would - discard them when someone suffers because it is uncomfortable for her to sit with someone in pain. Inability to feel emotions will always backfire because we end up trusting and depending on other people always wearing their fake mask and being fake. This way Trojan Horse can easily enter our world and destroy us from within. Just because we like to be emotionless as CBT and self help industry instructs us to be.

Her husband - is great example of how we treat people who are appearing as harmless and good and nice- We think we can exploit them and their generosity and hospitability - until they get mad and show us side of themselves which we never seen before.

Felix character reminded me of my own youth. There was a real Felix when I was growing up, isolated and alone due to bullying experiences, and there was this Felix type of dude who was never afraid, was popular with others/everyone and always ready for some parties and adventures and never shut up his mouth - you could literally hear only his loud voice and his annoying constant laughter. And in toxic ambient - you end up thinking that being normal means doing drugs, getting drunk and doing nothing in life except going from one party to another and never stops speaking. In my life - I eventually started to go out and actually spend time with Felix-type of person - only to discover that he is actually a drunk who was abusive, and that friendships and fun - was only passing theme of children who were not knowing hardships of life - until they were forced to work and face reality. From the avoidant stage - it appears as if Felix-type of people are god like and that they have answers for anything in life, and Oliver character said this in the movie when he confronted Felix. Like he is his only friend.
Friendship is not superiority complex. IF the other person is god like and you feel like you are nothing without them - that is no longer healthy relationship.

But as we learn in the end - Oliver was fake pretending everything and whatever he said was a lie. And all the creepy scenes were part of the story and they make sense in the end.

The curtain scene - when the light becomes reddish - I think this is a clue that whoever wrote this movie got inspiration from a dream. The movie is very much dream like and some scenes look like painting or being cut from art surreal movie - like being/walking/laying naked in the summer hay, reflected images on the surfaces of water, party scenes with detailed decorations.

(29.1.2024)

YT "Most common mistake people with social anxiety make when making conversation #socialanxiety #anxiety
"

Yes and no.
Social anxiety is not a mere shyness.
Social anxiety is leftover of trauma. There was some shocking event that caused social anxiety trauma. So there is distrust in people and safety.
Going somewhere with no plan - is like declaring war on terror without money and logistic to carry on with the war.
Because social anxiety trauma is civil war inside our head with our traumatized parts which we believe we must suppress and make shut up - and it is a war on psychopaths and narcissists out there in the real world - hiding as plain normal people - where saying hi to them is like allowing toxic people to abuse us.

Instead of the shyness idea that you promote - socially anxious traumatized victims of abuse need to be validated, their trauma must be acknowledged and victims of abuse must be allowed to make terms with harsh reality on their own terms without judgement or instructions how they are suppose to think, in patronizing way.

YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety Empowering Individuals to Find Their Voice
"

I agree that finding own voice - is a big chunk of healing process in social anxiety trauma,
however deep seated toxic shame internalized inside victims of abuse - that shows up as social anxiety - needs to be addressed too.
Toxic shame addressing means - not depending on other people to accept and validate ourselves as we are, with all our faults, mistakes and reasons for which we believe we must feel eternal guilt and shame, like Sisyphus with his rock or Atlas with burden being carried on our shoulders.

Well I said it sounds like narcissism. "It sounds" idiom in many languages means uncertainty and it triggers curiosity, open argument, seeking clues - rather than it means diagnosing and being absolutely sure.

Also -
when we are being told that our conclusions are not rights - that is called gaslighting and brainwashing and it is integral part of narcissistic abuse - where our hunches and instincts are invalidated - and instead we are suppose to rationalize and intellectualize narcissistic abuse as something else.

YT "Social confidence is a learned skill #socialanxiety #confidence
"

Social anxiety does not mean lack of social confidence.
This is what you keep on getting wrong.
You mix up shyness with social anxiety.
Problem is that socially anxious people are flooded with CBT explanations that social anxiety means lack of talking skills and lack of social confidence - and then truly socially anxious now will start to explain and perceive their trauma through the prism of wrong diagnosis - that social anxiety is lack of social skills.

Socially anxious already do posses social confidence - otherwise they would not feel social anxiety. Having social fears does not mean being scared of talking - it means being scared of toxic people and abuse that happened in the past.

So basically there is nothing to fix in that department - except for those who isolated themselves for many years - so their tools is not sharpened which would be if they were in social contact all those years.

Having social anxiety means having empathy and negative politeness - which means someone will rather avoid people than hurting them with wrong words. That empathy is something that 80% of people do not posses - that empathy is a social skill.

So your misdiagnosing social anxiety with shyness is doing incredibly damage to anyone not being explained that social anxiety is complex trauma issue and quiet BPD and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - all socially anxiety symptoms are the exactly the same for any person being exposed to narcissistic abuse.

When we realize that our social anxiety is trauma response - then we won't any more add any more trauma through wrong CBT beliefs that our brain is abnormal because there are some issues with opening up and trusting other people. This is not brain being defective - and it is not a matter of fixing our brain or our behavior - instead it is a matter of healing trauma and understanding that we have been gone through abuse - which needs our love and compassion - not discipline and more abuse and blame.

Shy people will have issues with talking and social confidence - because shyness means lack of social skills - which can easily be acquired with talking and exposure.
Social anxiety - is not that simple.

YT "Social anxiety succks 😬 🥲
"

You are correct in connecting social anxiety with abuse.
CBT (automatic default psychiatric therapy for social anxiety) explains social anxiety as shyness, as someone being socially awkward and it totally ignores the external element: toxic society being the trigger of social anxiety, even though it is in the name - it is called social+anxiety. It is not called self anxiety. Other people cause anxiety, society causes anxiety with narcissistic abuse and psychopathy and anti-social behavior.

Social anxiety be definition is social+anxiety.
IT is not called self+anxiety.
He does not have selfie anxiety.

His video is shot in the dark, there are no other people around him.
Social anxiety comes in spectrum.
On the extreme side of social anxiety there is fear of talking and making any kind of video and putting material online.
On the less extreme side of social anxiety - social anxiety becomes Functional and Masked.

Michael Jackson had a severe social anxiety. When the crew of The Simpsons came to his villa to make arrangement for the episode (which never was filmed) - not all crew came in the same time. And he was so nervous to spend free time with them that he hide in his room until everyone arrived.
His social anxiety was Functional - because he managed to make his job - he performed in front of billions of people, made movies and videos - yet his suppressed trauma ended in tragedy for him.
The same story applies for Whitney Houston and Prince.

YT "How to cope with Social Anxiety Disorder."

Social anxiety is not shyness.
It is not a matter of talking to strangers.

Social anxiety is aftermath of being exposed to narcissistic abuse - and we now distrust other people due to trauma. Social anxiety symptoms are the same as for PTSD and Complex PTSD.

This is interesting:
"I think that's (ordering food in restaurant, talking to people) probably something that we all have in common, deep down, inside."
When I wrote topic about that on reddit main social anxiety forum, topic was called "All people have social anxiety. All. " - I was attacked by others for spreading lies and soon enough the topic was deleted for not being "correct" - and myself I was soon banned from reddit main forum- by people who claim to have social anxiety. It was incredible idea that someone who is talkative might be over-compensating their fears and fake pretending to be someone confident - which was motorized by social anxiety. This idea was too much to accept for many people who have covert wounded narcissistic disorder but mimic social anxiety in order to appear as victim - but this is topic for some other video.

Social anxiety and narcissistic abuse are very much linked and connected - and social anxiety starts as exposure to narcissistic abuse (ACoA and ACE) in developmental years - when our trust in other people is being compromised by their abuse.

YT ""How To Easily Overcome Social Anxiety..."
"

First of all you mix up very much related concepts - shyness and introversion and OCD and narcissism with social anxiety. You mash it all up as if it is all one entity.
Let's analyze what you are saying here to make it more clear:

You said you had friends. People with true social anxiety do not have friends- because they have social anxiety. So - it is highly likely that you were simply shy. Shyness goes away with life, as time passes by - shy person will notice that danger is not there and their social fears which appear as social anxiety will go away.

Then you explain about not being invited - this is narcissism. Narcissism is when we believe that we must be adored and appraised by other people. Then any rejection is coming onto surface and our awareness as a narcissistic injury. Symptoms of narcissistic injury are the same as for social anxiety - but there is a difference. Narcissists believe that they must mask and destroy their social anxiety - just like you believe - because due to toxic shame internalized - you believe that any aspect of social anxiety makes you into hideous troll creature that must hide away until it is cured- so that other people do not see you vulnerable and wrong. Socially anxious are not so much preoccupied with admiration from other people.

Self improvement is a sign of narcissism - because narcissists want to appear as steel and superior in comparison to others - due to toxic shame and pathological brain of feeling grandiosity and other people mirroring and admiring that superiority. Freud discovered this 100 years ago:
The desire for self development stems from "narcissistic" desires, a tendency to self-aggrandizement and superiority over others.
Sigmund Freud

"Without friends"
- if your definition of friendship is to have fake social mask and to appear as superior to them and to fake pretend to be some non-vulnerable fake personality around them - that is not friendship. That is exploitation and parasiting on others. That is why narcissism is dysfunctional and abnormal psychological issue that must be cured. Narcissism starts as an idea to cover up social anxiety and to appear strong and without fears in other people eyes by fake pretending to be stoic.

"That guy friend that you trust completely"
is external referencing locus of control - and it is integral part of narcissism. You trauma bond with other person and this is also called codependency. Instead of trusting your own instincts and common sense - due to toxic shame internalized inside - you cannot trust yourself - and then you turn to other people to be your validator and that other people approve you - while you cover up your vulnerabilities and imperfections. That is dynamics of narcissistic mindset. It is unhealthy. it is toxic - and does not work in real life - because we enslave other people in rigid roles which exist only in our head - as a fantasy. Sam Vaknin talks about these constructs a lot.

"Meditate, be more present"
Being more present leads to anxiety. Which is not bad - when we feel the pain and when we are aware of toxic people who cause our stress - then we can start projects how to change location and minimize contact with toxic people.
Due to narcissism - you simply cannot see the true solution - to self validate, to have self compassion and self love and to acknowledge our anxiety and fears and negative emotions as reactions to toxic people - not as something to discipline with self improvement and with codependency - as you chosen to handle life and people.
Narcissism is something that narcissists are not aware of - this is totally outside of awareness - and you have no awareness that many of your thoughts and decisions are based on narcissism and egocentrism.
Even making video to patronize others and to explain adult people with full brain capacity as if they are babies who cannot know how to handle social anxiety - is narcissism itself. Being Rescuer inside Karpman Drama Triangle is the same as being Abuser inside that drama.

The problem is that your message to socially anxious who do not have true and correct information about social anxiety - you patronize others to hate themselves and to be stuck in permanent mentality of lacking and not being enough. Which is another clue of narcissism - narcissists never feel fulfilled and they believe that they must self improve always - because toxic shame is motor inside that prevents self acceptance and self validation.

YT "how to destroy social anxiety #cautiousmarlon #motivation #selfimprovement #selfcare #success
"

If we destroy our social anxiety - we will become anti-social, narcissistic and basically sociopaths and psychopaths.
Without worrying how our actions and decisions affect other people and not feeling remorse, guilt or shame at all - is a pathway to jail and destroyed life.

We can't go from one extreme into another.
Why is it do hard to be in the balance?
Why we need to destroy anything that we do not understand and just because it feels painful?
Why would it be so hard to accept and validate and to explore our emotions and be curious about what is going on - rather than denial and suppression and dissociation?

YT "Quick Techniques to Soothe Your Social Anxiety
"

Social anxiety means being stuck in toxic job or toxic family where we are being abused without means of escape.

This means that breathing and denial escape in fantasy is not helpful much and adds to abuse.
Social anxiety means being exposed to narcissistic abuse and someone who is covertly psychopathic - like in the movie Saltburn (2023). Then blaming our brain for reacting in panic to someone who is probably serial killer - is not healthy nor sane advice.

YT "Neuroscientist: How To Overcome Social Anxiety | Andrew Huberman #hubermanlab #shorts #neuroscience
"

Social anxiety is not issue of going to parties. That is shyness issue.

Worry about food in teeth and on our face - is Japanese version of social anxiety - and it is not the same as Western version of social anxiety.

People with social anxiety are already focused on the external - they watch very closely how other people act, other people's face expressions, tone of voice - due to past trauma and past abuse and past bullying, now there is expectancy (PTSD) that the shocking event and abuse will happen again.
After all it is called social+anxiety. Meaning that anxiety stems from other people, from society. IT is not called self anxiety.
Socially anxious are already focused outward.
He is mixing up introverts and shy people with social anxiety.

This video is great example how social anxiety is misdiagnosed and it is wrongly explained - and socially anxious receive totally wrong advice and absolutely wrong descriptions about what is social anxiety. Videos like this will make social anxiety worse - because we will end up totally codependent on other people, our attention will go into people pleasing and fawning - and we will totally ignore our messages inside us that other people are toxic and we really do not need to make contact with psychopaths.

YT "Why did they study sweat and social anxiety? #socialanxiety #anxiety
"

Well if you actually learn psychology - you would learn that we have 5 senses and they all affect us as human beings.
Also - you would learn that autism and neurodivergent brain is similar to social anxiety symptoms - where autists smell others as a way of making contact and to process information.

Do you really think that scientists are borderline psychopathic and delusional? and that they make up studies out of sheer boredom without valid theories behind any of their research?

YT "FIX SOCIAL ANXIETY #youtubeshorts #funny #tate #comedy #viral #podcast #matrix #clips #foryou #fyp
"

Social anxiety is on the same spectrum as being anti-social. They are both on the their own side of extreme.
Removing social anxiety means ending up in Romanian prison and using girls as slaves.

YT "My Approach to Soothing Social Anxiety
"

Nitpicking symptoms never help - it makes it worse long term.
Jung said - what you resist, persist.

We feel tense because of toxic people who cause social anxiety in others. Psychopaths, sociopaths are the problem - not our natural reactions to predators.
When we calm down our alarm systems - it is the same as denial, suppression and dissociation - and it means ignoring toxic people and becoming codependent on them by never confronting them or relocating away from them.
The enemy would love you to be calm and never expose the truth and never speak about elephant in the room while you are being lobotomized and sedated - then abusers can walk free from their crime scene without ever being finger pointed and taken to court to be persecuted for their crimes.

(30.1.2024)

Narcissists always deny reality and feel wounded and narcissistic injury when faced with facts.
In fact, personality disorder is this inability to accept reality and to automatically reject it.

YT "End ADHD Arguments Instantly with this Method"

"Toxic tools you use in conversation."
Until I learned about Complex Trauma and Fawning - I never had been aware that fixing other moods and problems is toxic. I was convinced I am doing the best and only thing - that anyone gone through ACE and ACoA in childhood - that we have been programmed to do with angry people- is to fix them and give them advice and to feel responsible for their problems to resolve and feel guilty for problems occurring in the fist place. Which is conditioned into us with screaming, hysteria and punishment - positive and negative reinforcement.

YT "Toxic ADHD Shame | How to Overcome it"

It starts to be complex when other people are shaming us, when they use shame and guilt as a tool to manipulate, control and subjugate others. Shame is successful tool that works with highly moral and ethical people who are afraid of breaking rules. Then we can be molded by highly toxic people like predators and narcissists and sociopaths of all sorts.
Because philosophically speaking - everything in life can be labeled as either good or evil, it is called Dualism. And any action can be labeled as failure and mistake - even when objectively speaking it is successful. Toxic people turn this dualism into explaining our actions and our personality as abnormal and aggressive in order to entice shame and guilt inside us.
And if we are not aware of toxic ambient - we will tend to think that our brain is producing shame on its own, without any triggers - while in reality we are being controlled by highly toxic people who are using Dark Psychology to enslave others.
When we end up blaming our brain and trying to fix our shame - we fail to realize that we ought to be in defensive mode and actually protest in form such as speaking the truth, exposing the dualism and telling our side of story - which we won't be able to do if we are convinced that toxic shame is our personality and our fault, something that we are doing without reason.

Predators, psychopaths - have hidden agenda to exploit and control others often associated with accruing money and corruption. When we clash with such personality disorder, when our high moral and ethical standards clash with someone anti-social - we need to be aware that the first thing such people will do - is to trigger our toxic shame - our weakest spot - of trying not to cause pain and hurt in other people via our "mistakes".
Now all that narcissistic and psychopaths need to do - is to nag and complain all the time and nitpick our "mistakes" - and we will become zombie who is correcting and disciplining ourselves 24/7 - without realizing we are being led like donkey and carrot in front of our eyes.

I would encourage anyone struggling with toxic shame - to take into consideration - that 99% of time - when we feel toxic shame - it is because of toxic people who are using techniques to enslave us into silence and panic - because our honest authentic no-lying words % actions will expose them as abnormal and toxic.

"cosmonauts are trained not to complain, so they are more likely to suffer in silence."
This is interesting information and it aligns with psychology and sociology.
Russia belongs to countries that have Shame Culture (as oppose to West that has Guilt Culture).
It means that people are ashamed for expressing feelings and opinions - and instead in Shame culture - people are taught and disciplined to believe that anything unusual is a personality disorder and any mistake or problem is observed as person's core value of who they are as person: an incompetent loser.
Needless to say - such shame mentality leads to organizational chaos which we see in Russia and eastern poor corrupt countries. Shame mentality leads to poverty and distrust in other people. The only exception to this Shame culture after-effect is Japan.
In the West - it is mostly southern parts of any country that have shame culture - like mafia-ridden Sicily in Italy or Texas and southern racist countries in USA. Shame is connected to crime and corruption - because people are trained since childhood to foster toxic shame deep inside - believing that they are abnormal and lacking as person - which they cover up through lies and overcompensations. There is simply inability to be truly honest and authentic - and instead building a fake image of narcissism and stoicism is perceived as being honest and authentic.

So that is what we have with Putin's country - people who are not honest about mistakes - never can learn from them - and they are stuck in hamster wheel of trying to be better and to compete - while as result always end up as being failure.
That is how USSR never succeed in anything - neither economy nor Moon landing - due to this shame culture.

(31.1.2024)

Yeah. It is yin-yang- Everything needs balance.
with abuse in childhood we decided not to be bad like our abusers - and now we suppress tools and mechanisms which would help us repel toxic people. Because we do not want to become like our abusers. We equate our natural reactions to abusers as sickness and abnormality and something to deny and dissociate from. We try to have yin yang only white, without any black portion inside it - and this causes illness and disorder.
On the other hand - abusers want only black part without any white portion - they are polar opposite to us, victims of abuse and traumatized people who endured narcissistic abuse over long period of time.
This is borderline issue - where we end up believing that being "bad" means drama and screaming and hurting and destroying someone. We miss the gray area - where we can express our anger and panic and fears in many different ways - which we deny ourselves from , due to our attempt to have high moral and too high ethical standards which are not realistic, all compelled by abuse and our decision to be good.
Similar to Clockwork Orange (1971) where the main character wants to be all good and he does not want to be hooligan - so he ends up being pushover and abused by his father and people in authority.

We think that speaking the truth about abuser - exposing their mistakes and low moral standards is bad and that this makes us bad person. So we shut up - and this feels as injury inside us - because we do not have defense mechanisms inside us to keep us psychologically safe. Now we are at mercy of other people - like motorless boat in ocean - pushed around by external elements - since we do not have motor inside us nor our GPS. We depend on tug boats to carry us around. Codependency.

The motor would be embracing our own dark side - which does not have to be psychopath or abuser as we believe that it would be.
We need to explore dark side and defense tools - which we were either punished to use in childhood or we decided not to use them for the false impressions that they are evil and that we will get bad karma if we use them.
We won't.
When we expose psychopaths and confront them - they will no longer hurt other people so easily and so confidently anymore.
Also - they won't harm people who are self harming and who may hurt themselves when exposed to psychopaths.
When we don't use defense tools in life - we allow abusers to seriously harm many people who are in worse position than us and who are holding on to a straw.

In history - human race race contained dictators through revolution and rebels and creating laws against criminally insane. If all people were all good and morally relative - these laws would never exist and evil people would never end up in prisons and mental institutions - and they would end up being in managerial positions and politics.

(31.1.2024)

" I'm so glad to have this place to turn to"
That is exactly the problem. Borderline means being codependent due to self hatred - and we never turn to ourselves since we reject ourselves as learned in ACoA and ACE. We refuse to turn to ourselves - and keep on seeking approval and acceptance from others- and this will attract toxic people - only to keep our wounds cut open all the time.

Malignant, toxic shame is not so easy to tackle.
Mostly - because it is camouflaged emotion and belief - as it was said in video - it is really necessary to devote our time and focus to identify it. It is similar as to identify small and smaller parts of atoms with super expensive equipment which requires huge amounts of money and time to build the super detection system in the first place. It is like Russian Babushka doll that has smaller parts inside it once you open it.
Another problem is external ambient, toxic people - who are camouflaged themselves - they wear social mask, some of them are psychopaths and have hidden agenda to use against others (like in movie Saltburn or Talented Mr Ripley). So it is hard to uncover toxic people around us who are brainwashing us into feeling malignant shame.

YT "The BPD Bunch S3E10: Shame in BPD Explained"

Toxic shame and criticism talked about at 10:47 is called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. It has official description, created by Dr Dodson and it is partly connected to ADHD whom he studies and hence it discovered this condition - which is not recognized by DSM for now.

13:00 "For the longest time I did not know what the sick feeling was that preceded being furiously angry with people."
Yes. Some of us who suppress furious anger - is called Quiet BPD. We have the same trigger for criticism reactions - however anger is turned inward and in form of shyness, social anxiety, inferiority complex and being quiet - like people in North Korea or Russia being thrown into prison when they express anger against the suppressive authority. This happens inside Quiet BPD mindset - any revolution or rebellion is squashed inside. And other people never realize that we are being wounded and hurt by them - so abusers keep on abusing and Quiet BPD end up with plethora of coping mechanisms which are not healthy nor functional.
Anger would give signal to non-psychopathic people to back off. So Impulsive Borderliners at least clean up abusive people who are not aware that they are abusive. Clueless abusive people will mostly shut up when someone screams at them when they are behaving abusive to us.
Quiet BPD folks stay stuck with both open abusers, covert abusers and unconscious abusers - because we never express our anger towards them when they cross boundaries of common curtesy.

"But essentially someone says something that's criticism "
That is RSD. It is not all criticism. We do not react to all criticism. When we are doing certain task - it is great that someone notices our mistakes - so that we do not harm someone in the process or create huge financial damage with our mistakes. So feedback is welcomed to anyone reasonable and who listens to psychology and is open to change and learning and discovery and curiosity and learning from mistakes.
HOWEVER our criticism rejection sensitivity dysphoria issue - is connected to malignant criticism - when someone is abusive and when someone is nitpicking our small mistakes which are non important and which we done super human trials not to make that mistakes - so mot is unjust and unfair criticism that harms us - especially coming from people who are not interesting into growth but in control and manipulation and putting other people down because they are psychopaths.

"I would say something to flip it back and make it the other person's problem because I did not know how to sit with that uncomfortable feeling."
Yeah - this is interesting. Quiet BPD seems to sit with that feeling - but nope. There are inner coping mechanisms which prevent experiencing it - and it happens inside so it is not visible. Just being quiet does not mean sitting with that feeling. There is denial, dissociation, suppression that happens inside someone who is quiet and who appears as sitting with that uncomfortable feeling - but actually there is no such connection and learning from what is happening and experiencing the pain at all.

16:00
"You have that judgment and you feel that shame and then you need to defend yourself. That's where anger comes from. Because I feel like this tiny person who is so shameful and just shouldn't be here because I've done something wrong and terrible. And the only way to go from there is either completely in toilet or pick little sword and just try fight back. Anger accompanies shame so much because you feel need to defend yourself"

Yes.
This 'going down to toilet' option - is Quiet BPD. Quiet borderliners will try not to make scene and never express any conflict emotion. Mostly due to punishments in childhood and toxic ambient in adulthood where talking and speaking the facts and truths was met with hysteria and more anger from perpetrators and unreasonable people around them who are causing drama and conflict in the first place.

20:28
"Shame is helpful – it communicates to you your place in that group. That's why we have to separate purpose of shame versus habitual negative self talk that we have created as result of shame. Those things can become intertwined and become almost automatic – where you feel shame and then your inner voice is: you are f* loser, you need to sit in the corner and just pretend you don't exist because you should be sorry for your existance."

Yeah - I would be curious where we learned this self image talk.
And would be curious about what is this community.
Things get complicated when we live in Shame Culture country. World can be divided in Guilt and Shame Culture.
Shame Culture is found in poor and corrupt countries like Asia, Africa. Whereas Guilt Culture is mostly found in prosperous democracies like Western Europe and North America and Australia.
In Europe - it is only the Balkans that belong to Shame culture countries.
And inside each country - those areas that are rural and poor have shame counties. Like Southern Italy - where mafia rules and Texas and racists states in the South are Shame based culture countries.
This is huge problem - because in order to be healthy and sane - we actually need to relocate from the complete state and move to normal country- and that is not easy task - if we do not have money, visa and no third parties left to care like elderly or children or property or contracts that bind us to stay in toxic ambient. It is not like I can choose not to be part of group - when all people have personality disorder and are mentally ill around you - because they don't care about their malignant shame and how their anti-social behavior is affecting others around them.

I believe that toxic malignant shame did not come on its own - we did not invent this self talk. This is the result of operant conditioning: AcoA and ACE ambient while we were growing up - most commonly abuse by omission where people around us never actually took time to mirror us, to provide us with love and safety - and instead we were always criticized and we were nuisance to them and this was clearly shown to us through their behavior and words.

22:05
"I probably shouldn't be with these people"

Shame can also come up outside of meaningless surface level connections with people - and this is why toxic shame is connected to mental imbalance and dysregulation:
- having toxic job where we cannot quit it due to lack of money - so we are forced to be disciplined and corrected by people who are not intelligent enough but they present themselves as superior and they punish us for unrelated mistakes and present them as hysteria and most commonly shift blame and their own mistakes onto us
- being in toxic family where we cannot run away due to being under-age or lack of money or living in shame culture country - where any new ambient would be exactly the same as toxic family
- being in narcissistic abuse contact where there is third party involved or contracts of property which we simply cannot leave and abandon away
- depending on daily and urgent resources on toxic people like supply store or healthy industry - the best example is Russian Simpsons into animation - where we see Russian version of Marge going to store and clerk is screaming and yelling at her each day just for clerk being lazy and doesn't want to work - and there is no other store to go to except that one with abuse.

So there are real life situations where people are STUCK in toxic malignant shame ambient.

For example,
here is quote from young American woman who came to Croatia to live with her boyfriend - but after 2 years she discovered that people in Croatia are abusive, and she went back to USA. In her own words:
Young American explained why she left Croatia:
"In Croatia people constantly express intrusive opinion about matters which are none of their business. The most irritating things were rude people." (poslovni hr Seek article and translate with google translator: "Amerikanka napušta Hrvatsku: ‘Neučinkovitost i birokracija te ljudi koji nemaju motiva za napredovanjem u poslu’" October 12 2019)

That is why I think that core values are not the only element.
External toxic ambient plays the crucial role in malignant shame development.
And you said that in this very video at
22:38
"Many of use have this internal voice “I'm the problem”. But sometimes it's the culture that needs to change. Maybe it's the group that is doing something wrong and you're feeling shame because you're trying to fit into a group that is maybe doing the wrong things."

Yes!
This is something that I profess and talk about social anxiety - and nobody gets it. What you said here - when I explain it - I get that deer in headlight stare from other, people look at me as if I am talking some conspiracy theories - and then people do not understand this - that herd mentality and group thinking can be so much damaging when it is toxic. If anybody comments this, I get dismissed and mostly ignored - most people do not understand it - how toxic group can be the problem that is causing mental health issues in scapegoats and whistleblowers.

23:23
"Activators for criticism"

I think that romantic related criticism - that comes from partner - is more reactive one and we know that we can trust our partners.
It is different when the criticism is related to people who are professional nitpickers and manipulators and conflict prone people - who thrive in blaming other people since this way they hide their own faults and imperfections or predators who have hidden agenda - so they blame others in order to eliminate others through dehumanization bullying attacks.
I believe with RSD we were exposed to the unfair criticism while growing up - and our activators for full blown toxic shame will be criticism related to our mistakes and faults which are totally outside of our control and where we tried our all best to avoid mistakes - and then someone patronizing us from aside and safety distance - that is activator for our trauma and toxic shame.

The best example is in toxic ambient when we are doing some task for the first time in our lives and that critic aside will nitpick and mock and create hysteria out of any wrong step that we make - that we do not know due to doing this task for the first time. And critic presenting our mistake as deliberate choice as if we are lazy or we have low standards and that our core character is abnormal for making mistakes for the first time and where realistically speaking mistakes are normal and part of growing and learning.
This is common in shame culture countries - where anti-social predators enjoy and wait for such moments where they can abuse someone weak and who is newbie.
In Russia - in obligatory military service there is hazing where new soldiers are targeted and abused.

I believe our issue with criticism is related to predators and narcissistic abuse - which is hidden and socially accepted and rationalized and normalized and intellectualized by toxic society - where we are at the receiving end of abuse.

Predators and narcissists - they feel good when they put other people down - this is their source of happiness - and nobody is getting them to therapy - we end up being labeled and stigmatized and symptomized - where true abusers walks away free with their coercive control that nobody else sees.

I believe in 90% of cases BPD is actually Complex Trauma. While other 10 % are delusional types that belong to narcissism.
The same applies to Social anxiety.
CBT and diagnosis are doing so much psychological damage to traumatized and abused people and add more malignant shame on top of the existing one.

I would agree with message in the video - not to stigmatize our symptoms and not to weaponize psychology against ourselves as CBT is instructing us to force us to hide our symptoms so that we are not burden to society with our trauma wounds.

I would add that internalized Malignant shame plays crucial role in this - both in recipient of anger and hysteria and abusers who spread their anger onto others in order to subjugate them into fear and submission.

" had social anxiety or low self-esteem but only recently have I discovered that I've been living for decades in constant shame, it sabotaged my friendships, made me isolated and lead me to hurt others"

Yes. When I talk about toxic shame in social anxiety videos - people cannot grasp it due to veil over their face and filter like confirmation bias and anchoring bias. Socially anxious are brainwashed in childhood (ACoA and ACE) and toxic families and toxic ambient to self blame. And information that there is internalized malignant shame that stems from abuse - is the same information as if conspiracy theories and cognitive dissonance is preventing malignant ashamed people to realize that they are dealing with malignant shame.
Same as fish in the water - that is unable to realize that it is water all around, not air nor space - since fish is not clever enough to develop walking genes or brain to develop space rocket and to leave aquamarine ambient or brain to become self aware.

YT "How does borderline personality disorder? Compare to narcissistic personality disorder? #bpd #npd
"

Cluster B is archaic term and is being abandoned by medical industry.
BPD belongs to narcissists and psychopaths anti-social behavior due to attempt to handle anger in dysfunctional manner by destroying one's social anxiety and empathy in order to appear macho and strong and non - feminine in other people's eyes.

YT "INFJ: The Most INTIMIDATING Personality Type (MBTI)
"

Dualism and double bind and gaslighting will make us develop toxic malignant shame by turning our traits into sickness:
1) Future thinking will be labeled by CBT and stigmatized self help industry as worry and intrusive OCD thoughts which must be ashamed and destroyed
2) Understand people deeply - will be mocked by toxic society as being sissy and "crybaby" and "woke" in order that we are afraid and ashamed about who we are at the core - and then parasites and predators can manipulate others and present themselves as empaths to naive people who can't see their fake social mask posing as empaths. This way we are disabled to destroy psychologically abusers - when we are ashamed who we are.
3) Seeing right through their lies - is explained by CBT as hallucination, social anxiety shyness issue - our panic and stimuli processing when we see true reality - is explained away by self help industry and toxic people as our abnormality and sickness and delusion. When we believe CBT - we never investigate our instincts to be true to prove them true.
4) Deep conversations - are what scares most of people because most people have fake social mask - and deep conversation uncover their fake image and lies and white lies that accompanies automatically any fake mask. Some people have fake mask without intention to harm and exploit others - but nevertheless will react in the same manner to our questions as would predators who use fake mask to harm others
5) Holding intimidating amount of knowledge - is triggering to many people who lack education. We will be said that we talk too much, write too much, that we write essays - in order to shut us up.
6) Independent thinkers - will be ashamed by narcissists and predators and all sorts of pathological liars - because toxic people are build on lies and any independent inquiry will shake lies. Similar to opposition in Russia and North Korea.

Narcissists , predators and sociopaths of all sorts, including psychopaths - will be freaked out by us - and then engage in campaign of terror to make us shut up and relocate away.
Problem is when we seek answers about what is happening from CBT and self help industry - we will be told that we are hallucinating and that our brain is abnormal - so narcissists in authority and medical industry are installing toxic shame inside us without us being aware of it.

Emotional abuse is assault.
Normal people do not do this. Only mentally ill, really sick person is doing this, a psychopath.
We need to become aware how much dangerous these people are - and validate our reactions and experiences as being assaulted.
CBT will explain to us that we are too sensitive and that we are hallucinating the abuse - that is a lie

Negative politeness is when we shut up in order not to hurt someone's feelings.
Problems is - this way abusers keep on abusing others and they interpret our silence as green light to continue with mobbing and bullying. It is real problem when their target is someone with suicidal idealizations and this ends up as murder actually - which abusers will never end up in jail for - unless there is a note explaining the reasons.

First of all, many people are not able to move on - because of low finances, elderly or children , contracts and property or lack of visa.

What I am talking about suicidal idealizations are the future victims and targets which bullies will eventually abuse in their lives.
All bullies are bullies because someone strong in authority never confronted them with their wrongdoings - and all people were protecting their peace - and this way serial killers and psychopaths walk away hands free from their crimes - since nobody screams at them that they are abnormal and predators.

Abusers steal away from us innocence and ability to enjoy life and to take risks and to experience our heart being broken.
When we are placing ourselves in protective cocoon that is great and I would encourage anyone to put safety and protection as number one priority.
HOWEVER
in long term that is not healthy. It will steal opportunities from us, good people who are out there - whom we will never form close contact because we will be isolated or label quickly unknown people as potential abusers.
This way abusers keep on living in our head - like parasites- without us being aware that our decisions in life are formed as being filtered through the prism of abusers and crime which they committed to us.

Richard Grannon and Sam Vaknin talked about this - that when we are abused - we are in trance state, we are entrained - and even when we cut contact with abusers - they keep on living inside us.

This trauma must be healed - for our own sake and for the fact that abuser never win.

(1.2.2024)

@cautious.marlon Any psychopath, sociopath and narcissist behave in anti-social manner - because they destroyed social anxiety. Hence they do not have inner mechanism to warn them that when they hurt other people that it is evil and someone is hurting because of them and their actions.

Social anxiety comes in spectrum, like anything else in life.
Extreme social anxiety is by product of abuse and exposure to narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths' abuse - their lack of social anxiety is pushed into us feeling social anxiety when they abuse us.
This is called SeeSaw effect.

The most easiest way to destroy social anxiety is to become impulsive borderliner and anti-social person - someone who is rude, who expresses anger, who doesn't care what other people say to us as inability to receive feedback.
Of course - then we will get hurt.
Stronger person will attack us.
We will end in jail where we will be hurt by stronger people than us.

Being anti-social does not pay off.
We need certain amount of social anxiety.

What we experience as pain and anxiety - is not social anxiety at all. It is Complex Trauma, Quiet BPD and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - inability to handle negative criticism. These all stem from exposure to abuse in childhood and abuse by omission (constant criticism 24/7).
This trauma needs healing. Not destruction of our neuroticism.

People are born only with two fears:
1) fear of falling
and
2) fear of loud noises.

Therefore - fear of being judged is not something that we were born with. This specific fear is conditioned into us through system called Operant Conditioning, which is similar to hypnosis and programming.
There is no difference in Pavlovian dogs salivating when they hear bells and our fear of being negatively judged.

We acquired this fear as coping mechanism over long period of time being exposed to abuse - which is called ACE and ACoA.
We were exposed to constant criticism and blame and nitpicking in our developmental age by mentally ill person in authority who was functional enough that nobody noticed that they are ill.
In early age - it is normal to make mistakes.
In adulthood - mistakes are clues what must be improved and learned and skilled. Mistakes are nothing to be afraid of.
We are afraid of mistakes because we were traumatized into feeling fear of judgement.

Trauma, Complex PTSD - needs healing. And our education what is happening with our fears of judgement and from where they spring from. IT is not that we have abnormal brain, neither we lack skills - we were shocked and forced to exhibit this fear - similar to circus animals performing tricks.

YT "INFJ's Are Far More Expressive Than Most People Realize MBTI
"

I would guess when we are traumatized and exposed to narcissistic abuse and any kind of manipulation and coercive control - these extroverted features will be suppressed. And if we seek help - CBT and self help industry will brainwash us into believing that we have no skills inside us and that our brain is abnormal for feeling anxiety - where these kind of dangerous lies will force us to never discover that we have all tools for anti-anxiety already present inside us - we are simply told that we are socially anxious, clumsy, shy and any socially anxious person exposed to CBT and self help industry basically built false identity of lacking and lies that CBT freely promotes.

YT "How Coping and Self-Regulation Aren’t Good For You (HOS83)"

Totally agree with the topic.
Imagine a drug abuser who has serious issues with addiction. Then this person regulates his symptoms and problems related to addiction and acquiring illegal substances from criminals. Then regulation is in the service of evil and self destruction.

Or another example -
there is channel from Mark Freeman - who made excellent videos about Pure OCD in 2015 - and later on wrote a book about intrusive worry. HOWEVER when you talk to him - he is extremely rude and abrasive and cannot handle any kind of feedback or even open question about worry - that he has no answer to - he gets into rage mode and blaming and attacking. This way - he is using psychology as a weapon to regulate his hidden narcissism and he freely abuses other people around him - by using regulation to regulate himself.

Or third example -
imagine if we are living in very toxic country filled with corruption and criminals and mafia - and we have money to leave - but we make up reasons to regulate ourselves and then we stay inside abnormal ambient - because we found ways to regulate some of panic that happens as reactions to crime and dangerous ambient.

OR similar example-
if we are living in domestic abuse household - where instead of making plans to escape abuse and codependency - we use regulation information - to stay stuck in dangerous ambient.

Regulation can be mis-used as a tool for our self sabotage and future destruction.

Another aspect is related to socially anxious and neurotics. We have plethora or coping mechanism to regulate our panic. However - since we are doing this since childhood - we have no awareness that we already do posses many tools of regulation. Then we read self help books and CBT - they tell us that we need to regulate.. when in reality - we are already over-regulated!
Then we spend time and money and focus on something that we already do have inside us!

Instead of Regulation - that keeps us in hypervigilance and being codependent -
dysregulation would give us anger and energy to move and relocate from toxic ambient and quit our toxic habits - which live on due to our Regulation attempts mechanisms and tools.

YT "Self regulation is a lie
"

I never heard of this term self-regulation until I learned about Complex Trauma in 2021.
Perhaps people (self help books, videos) talked about it - but I didn't paid much attention it. When I heard it - it made sense to explain the opposite: dysregulation. And what I learned further on - is that anything we do to cope with anxieties and mental issues - is an attempt to self regulate. And it can be dysfunctional coping mechanism - when we do not have resources like money to buy our problems away.
I got that part.
What I realized - shockingly - and it took me some time to realize it - that idea that we need to self-regulate which CBT is promoting heavily but they use different words for it - is not necessary for people who already invest their free time in psychology videos online.
This attempt to learn and to educate ourselves, and to be open for suggestions and experiments - all that is self regulation.
Shocking part to realize is that - we are overly regulating ourselves. To the point it becomes toxic. And CBT and self help ideas are doing more harm than good - because we are not allowing dysregulation to teach us what is toxic.
We simply quickly cover up anything negative with regulation - and then we never learn that we are codependent and that toxic people around us are toxic.
Then even healthy regulation coping mechanism become toxic - because we end up being codependent and stuck inside Karpman Drama Triangle - without doing anything in the area of our goals, desires, tasks and things that need to be done around issues and problems which we suppress and push down with regulation.

Self regulation is lie.
And it is not the only lie.
I think that there are a lot of wrong descriptions and instructions that are circulating around - but are not true and they are toxic. I am talking about hyper-cognition where we end up labeling and using DSM to quickly stigmatize certain emotions or people as dangerous. While in reality they are simply real and factual and contradictory to our bias and prejudices which we copy pasted from the past.
It is connected with dualism and double bind - where anything bad in life can be described as good in some area.
Wars are horrible and bad - but they help us to be prepared for disasters in the future.
Being sick is horrible and dangerous - but it helps our body to build immunity and help us defend against worse threat in the future.

And the worse is codependency. Many traumatized and socially anxious people will be explained that they are people pleasers and codependent - while like you said in the video - all people are in some form attached to someone and they draw their value from meaningful people in their life.
With labels we simply might end up isolated due to fear of being codependent since this is label for something horrible - and all we want to do is to self regulate ourselves - through Witch hunts and Spanish Inquisitions.

YT "Self-Regulation for Sensitive Person #self-care #self-regulation#shortsmessage
"

I would take it to the next level.
When we are highly sensitive - this could mean two things which are fundamentally different:

1) that we sense stimuli deeply - everyday or special events which are mostly neutral - we will see it and feel it in Ultra HEVC HD extremely high level of depth and that can be quite triggering - where natural urge is to calm ourselves down.
HOWEVER
there is also
2) abusive events and toxic people who really are disturbing and dangerous - whom "normal" people would feel dysregulated about.
In that case - I am not anymore sure that Regulation is correct path to deal with issues and problems in life.
Because - we end up covering up someone's criminal behavior. We end up being codependent because we are the cleaner and peacemaker who make someone else's dysfunction to be hidden away and pushed down.
This also applies to our potential trauma from the childhood (ACoA and ACE) - where we will tend to push down negative trauma emotions and never feel them or sit with them - which is not healthy because a) those bad feelings will come up on surface as cancer, myeloma, allergy, auto immune disease
and
b) we show our body and mind that we are not capable of holding our prosperity and progress and stature in our own hands - and instead that we drift in ocean like motorless boat.

It is only through dysregulation that we learn what is wrong and what is happening.

It is like - with regulation - we never learn from our mistakes - since we make ourselves dissociated and we deny reality. This can be dangerous because it can lead to delusions and living in fantasy and we never learn the feedback about where we need to go in life in order to be happy and fulfilled.

It is like living in homophobic country where we learn from early on to regulate our gayness - so we suppress our lifestyle and personality in order to fit in. But-- that is not the way to live life - that we live someone else's expectations about how we do our own life, our choices, our decisions and our directions in life - to be governed by stigma, blame and shame.

Best example is - job that we do.
If we are male and we like female jobs - like fashion - and if we live in shame culture country - most likely we will never allow our brain to discover the potential what we really truly like. And instead - in order to please family and neighbors and unknown people whom we depend on approval - we end up doing wrong type of jobs for us - which will leave us chronically unhappy and with plethora of toxic stress from going to toxic job doing things we do not like to do - but we feel obligation and urge in order for other people not to mock us.
Then - regulation is pretty bad idea. Since Regulation will keep us trapped in hell.

Like frog in boiling water. Any regulation attempt is its own doom because frog will stay sit and do nothing else but regulate the high temperatures - until it is too late.

(2.2.2024)

The point of expressing emotions is not to rationalize our psychopathy and disorders inside us.
The point of psychiatry is to learn what is normal and functional, figure out why are we narcissistic and borderline - and then make steps into functional healthy sane adult - by taking responsibilities of our issues which are harming other people.

Serial killer on therapy - should express his emotions freely - and then continue with his crime?

If we cover up abuse and trauma by buying things - it is trauma that is problem, not the expensive shoes.

If we buy expensive shoes in order to impress other people who would not give a second thought if we are alive or not - is psychological issue which needs to be seen, observes, clarified and explained - so that we shift our wrong thinking into the right direction.

It is healthy for our primary focus to be community and good people around us - this needs to be in all our thinking, worries and issues.
When shoes become our primary interest in life - that means there is some problem here that needs thorough detailed inspection.

YT "Relapse Trigger: The Core Wound of Abandonment in ACA, AA, NA, and Trauma Recovery
"

I agree with the presentation - however crucial information is not said here.
If someone without psychology listen to this video - he or she might get impression that:
1) their brain is abnormal now - that their brain is hallucinating reality which other people have no such problem at all
2) that all our pain and hurt come from trauma - whereas it could be that our pain and hurt come from toxic people

This is why I dislike CBT. It is self centered and ableist.
CBT tells us that outer external reality cannot influence us and when someone cross our boundary and trigger us - that we are the problem and that we must become zombie without feelings:
We end up believing that our emotions are abnormal and sick - and that in order to be "Normal" is to never ever have any kind of negative and painful emotions or anger or disgust - that when we experience unjust and unfair treatment - that we should always smile and have incredible amount of understanding of evil people and always forgive them and never held them accountable for being evil and harming us.
CBT explains is that trauma is sickness and abnormality - and that the only way to live this live is to be happy and smiley and serene and calm. Well, unfortunately - life events are not always happy. Something things happen totally outside of our control which are extremely shocking and sad and scary - and it is totally normal to feel plethora of dark emotions which CBT labels as abnormality and disorder.
When we follow CBT - we end up labeling anger as abnormality which must be always processed in rational way. While in real life- when we wait to be intellectualized and normalized - we get either swindled or fast events happen that we miss to react in the proper moment with "abnormal" emotions.
For example if piano is falling from high rise building and it is about to fall on top of some person - it is totally normal to be hysterical and scream and yell - in order that this person moves quickly out of harms way. If we on the other hand follow CBT - where we pathologize and weaponize all negative emotions - we will end up silently trying to attract attention from this person in peril - by explaining that there is a large unknown object falling at the rate of 60 km/h and it is about to hit you on the head and splatter you with serious bodily harm. If we do this "normal" and "rational" way of warning and alarming other person - we will actually contribute to his doom.

Instead of CBT's approach of pathologizing our ACoA experiences - I would go into direction of explaining that all emotions are normal and that our coping mechanisms were perfectly normal and healthy and sane - and if we are as adults living in oppressive environment - it is totally normal to keep on carrying our coping mechanisms - no matter how much detrimental they are HOWEVER the crucial element is education and introduction of new ways of coping with triggers.

In reality - our triggers are far more complex and sinister than some random rejection.
In real world - any person who is suffering from ACE and who is investing time to watch you tube videos and read countless books about trauma - it means that such person is already doing its best to cope. And in fact that the problem lies in external - in toxic people who pretend to be normal and healthy but are actually psychopaths - whose actions harm us in the first place.
This is what CBT and self-help industry fail to understand and to explain victims and targets of abuse:
that all our problems stem from predators and parasites which we welcomed into our world due to our abandonment wounds and need to kindness and love - and it is toxic people's behavior which is causing the problems and toxic shame - it is not our "abnormal" brain that needs magical cures and fixing.

(3.2.2024)

What I love about information about trauma and abuse - after we become aware that panic that we feel is trauma and abuse - is the fact that information about narc abuse and cptsd become our lighthouse in dark.
They tell us what is ahead and where we are.
This way - I was able to detect codependency issues of my own - which I had no awareness about it- since it appeared as something normal to me.
This way I cut out one toxic person from my life - something that I would not ever do without information about narcissism and trauma. I would simply unconsciously use rationalizations and intellectualization and my fear of loneliness as proof that I must be forever stuck around toxic person

YT "UP TO YOU How People Treat You: Change Your Messaging, Signaling
"

I love this:
"This is social learning theory: modelling. People look at you, people observe you, people analyze you, gossip about you – they form an opinion based on information that you provide them. They absorb this information that you transmit, emit and broadcast. They form opinion around that core.
This opinion shapes their actions."

Because when someone has social anxiety and goes to seek information about what is going on - they will be flooded with information that people never look at other people, that other people are self absorbed - and that our social anxiety is only a hallucination when we feel hated and hatred from others - and this phenomena when supposedly other people don't care about us yet in the same time we believe that they do - is called Spotlight Effect. Now socially anxious person - who is abused and exploited and manipulated - and controlled - anything that causes social anxiety panic - will label their fear as a mere hallucination.
While in reality - other people really do form opinion by looking at other people.
And if we went through ACE and ACoA childhood - we will broadcast opinion where we fawn and we are scared of other people's bad opinions and trying to please them. So there is no Spotlight Effect - when we feel anxiety - this anxiety is real and it is stemming from people who form opinion about us - based on our trauma and fears and anxiety.
So if they someone who has no defense mechanisms - most people will feel at easy to mock us, to put us down. And when we are at the receiving end of this abuse - we will be told by CBT that we are hallucinating the abuse and that due to Spotlight Effect - other people are not looking at us.

"I started to stand up and fight for myself instead of feeling sorry for myself"

I think you misunderstood the message here.
It is not about fighting. It is not about Fight trauma response. It is not about replacing Fawning with Fighting.
It is about being genuine.
IF you are sensitive person - it is not about becoming insensitive. It is about claiming your traits without masking them and without trying to cover them up in order to please other people's expectations about who we are.
Paradox is when we accept ourselves as we are - we will fight for ourselves without drama, without wars, without screaming and without making enemies and yet in the same time - we will take actions which other may describe and label as fighting.
For example - when we put a price tag on our genuine core being - we will naturally cut toxic people off from our lives. We will relocate. We will minimize contact with them. When they come around for parasiting over us - we won't be available for their abuse. That is fighting. Without throwing stones.
Also - in the worst case scenario - when we are physically attacked - when we value our genuine self -we will actually fight back - because there won't be inner critic blocker who would usually block us from defending ourselves from the attackers.

This is true HOWEVER our inner critic will interpret this message as "we are guilty ones".
Nope. Evil people are evil because they are mentally ill. They choose to abuse because they have abnormal brain that is propelling them to hurt others. And toxic society does not sanction them - but glorifies psychopaths instead.
When we were abused in the past - it was not our fault. We did not invite the abuse to happen. Abuse is the assault - it is evil people's deliberate decision to harm and hurt others - and we were simply an easy target for them due to our inner criticism and internalized toxic shame - but still nevertheless evil people CHOOSE to abuse and harm other people. We did not propel them to abuse. We did not push them to abuse us. It is their abnormal brain that is doing this.

People pleasing aka Fawning is sketchy area.
It is connected to Agreeableness - which is not trauma response at all but personality trait Big 5. If we suppress this trait - we will develop personality disorder.. The opposite of people pleasing is narcissism and obnoxious person who does not care how their behavior is affecting others - which is definition of personality disorder.

The same applies to codependency - it is not codependency that is problem - but it is always toxic person on the other side who is manipulative and pathological liar and who exploits others with gaslighting and lies.

We need to please good kind and nice people - this is how we form friendships and business friendships and romantic interests.
Nobody in their right mind would be willingly in close contact with someone who does not listen to you, someone who farts when you eat, someone who treats you as garbage.

When we apply the concept which Sam Vaknin talks in this video - it is about accepting who we are.
If we are nice kind person - which most probably are if we watch this video - we never learned to put a price tag on our niceness.
Instead of building a fake narcissistic "strong" manly macho persona who is always selfish and rude - it is the opposite the case.
Sam Vaknin said clearly in this video - to be genuine and authentic - and we need to come out as nice good friendly person - instead of pushing this down. We put a price tag on this - when we realize that nice and kind people are valued in society and we put a price tag on our fawning trauma response - when we start to cut out toxic people from our life who are parasiting on us being nice.

We keep on being who we are - without creating fake false personality.
In the same time we can be 100% nice and kind and pleasing to others and IN THE SAME TIME we can actually speak up the truth and facts which toxic people will not like. Nobody told us this.
We were taught in ACE and ACoA the borderline splitting strategies -
that we can only be black and white.
We can be people pleasers OR we can be rude. As if there is no gray area.
This is what you are doing-
you bought into NPD ideology - where we are suppose to be either pushovers or someone who is self involved and doesn't care about other people's opinions.

While in reality - we can care a lot about people and never stigmatize or pathologize our trauma and our emotions - AND IN THE SAME TIME being totally honest and authentic.
Toxic people hate honest people because truth is crushing down their social mask of being fake.
Being honest and genuine is seen more dangerous - than us play pretending to be dangerous.

" Doesn’t mean the attention-seeker is bad, it’s just a form of poor behavior and it can be unlearned."
Sure - coping mechanisms which are self detrimental are "bad".
But this does not mean that
1) we can logically and quickly change our trauma responses. This takes years of work.
2) we are bad as person. Our bad trauma responses are survival tools - they are not our core personality being who we are at the core of our Self.

Being Bad - is not the person who is pushover. That is trauma response. And the only bad people are those who take use and take advantage of people who were traumatized.
Being bad - is the ones who are serial killers. Bad - is someone who is criminally insane. Bad is someone who willingly chooses to abuse and hurt and harm other people.

I really would not encourage weaponizing psychology as a tool to shame someone into mental health. IT will produce the opposite effect.

" being nice in my experience is generally a good thing, just know that people will test you and then you can make it clear at those moments where you’re coming from with the niceness when they do."
People who test others are abnormal and sick,
Nobody healthy or sane is testing other people. Only criminally insane psychopaths are doing this.

Sure, nobody want to be pushover,
HOWEVER in real life - when we live outside the safety bubble, when we do not have money, when we do not have privileges and entitlement - then we are at the mercy of oppressive and criminally insane psychopaths in power - whom in order to keep the job and income - we must people please in order to survive and avoid being homeless.
Femicide statistics does not mean that not people pleasing criminally insane psychopaths will stop being part of the statistic.

Toxic society is easy to judge the targets of abuse - and never ever look or pinpoint or judge the criminally insane psychopaths - whom toxic society in fact worships due to Dunning Krueger effect; someone who is loud and cruel is perceived as competent and strong. While in reality they are emotionally cripples who are acting and got power and money via crime and corruption because they are criminally insane.

" For example, if your in line at the grocery store and someone cuts in front of you (unknowingly, because you weren't paying attention) what did you do, not to earn their respect?"
Person who cuts others in line is criminally dumb and without any social skills.
This person is mentally challenged.
Not all people cut others - so when someone does this - it does not mean that we must attack them and destroy them. We could speak up without drama and without demanding anything - because their brain is too small to understand words.

The bottom line is - when we decide to demand respect from people - we will create unnecessary drama and trauma and toxic stress to ourselves,
Because frankly speaking - 80 percent of people are dumb and lack social skills. They think they are smart and that their social skills are great - but they fool themselves like Dunning Krueger effects describes them.
When we decide to enter Crusade wars with wrong people - we will be at war all the time, every single day.
Also - if we attack people who are mentally challenged - it means that we are abusers and something is wrong with us, also.

First and foremost task in socialization is to know who we are - what kind of person we are - and also that we filter out dumb and smart people - so that we do not generalize all people as abusive and rude.

Important to add:
Sometimes someone has cancer and is in hurry home - we don't know this.
Sometimes someone has chronic diarrhea and need to hurry so they cut lines - we don't know this.
It is not always that rude people and those who behave in rude manner - is because they are abnormal and sick. Sometimes they have urgent issue which needs our help.

Jumping to quick rigid mindset of attacking others and then asking later - is bad choice in life.

(4.2.2024)

When I wrote in commentaries of AVPD videos and its connection to abuse - I usually got deer in light response - where people with extreme social anxiety are unable to connect it to external abuse. Because CBT and DSM will tell us that social anxiety is hallucination and cognitive distortion issue.

22:41
"Why it is AVPD and not CPTSD"7

1) because CPTSD is banned from American health industry - due to money profit. CPTSD is recognized in WHO's ICD-11
2)telling and explaining people that their mental health issues are product of toxic people would mean that people in health industry should be kicked off from managerial positions and many politicians and powerful people in power - would be labeled as crazy and abnormal.
It would crack down and crush down patriarchy which is the puppet string puller behind the scenes - where narcissisms springs from.
Boys are taught to hide their emotions and to be ashamed of them, except anger - and this ends up as narcissism.
If men were allowed to have emotions - it would be like virus program installed into matrix system.
Suddenly the share of power and access to resources would be open to everyone and not only to selected powerful psychopaths in power.

(5.2.2024)

YT "Succeed Despite Having Anxiety! #shorts
"

Okay.
But the problem is still social+anxiety.
Anxiety stemming from the social element.
Intrusive people.
Shame Culture country.
Psychopaths.
Sociopaths.
Narcissistic abuse.
ACoA and ACE.
Pathological liars who are abnormal and criminally insane and the only goal in life is to destroy people who are honest and have high moral and ethical standards - where we will be let go of terror campaign only if we submit to corruption and being passive and censored.

YT "PSA on Social Anxiety - How I worked through mine (also I messed up)
"

Without education in psychology we tend to put labels quickly without knowing true meaning about it. This quicky labeling is called hyper-cognition.
Social anxiety is often confused with shyness.
Also- inside social anxiety - many narcissists and impulsive borderliners are convinced that they have social anxiety - because confessing it to others make them victims, which their personality disorder propels them to do: to be pathological liar and to seek sympathy from others even when being evil to others.

YT "Learn and practice for anxiety #socialanxiety
"

Basically your definition of social anxiety "cure" is to be able to have social skills (rules) and to talk to people.

That is not social anxiety. That is shyness issue.

YT "10 Powerful Tips to Overcome Social Anxiety | Marisa Peer
"

"other people do not look at you"
Social anxiety stems from exposure to exposure to narcissistic abuse , ACE and ACoA in childhood.
Other people are looking at others all the time.

Sam Vaknin said:
This opinion shapes their actions.
Be careful what kind of data you emit. What kind of attitude you project. What kind of self negation you broadcast. Be very careful about the way you treat yourself. Because people are looking, people are observing –audience and spectators all around. And the way you treat yourself is the way you're going to be treated.
Treat yourself as you would like others to treat you
🟥 UP TO YOU How People Treat You: Change Your Messaging, Signaling

Problem is when you tell us that Spotlight Effect is in our head - you are invalidating our trauma, as if our horrible experiences are our fault for being over-sensitive and that we have some weird incapacity in brain.
Why is it so hard to acknowledge the fact that toxic and truly evil people exist? And nope - it is not our imagination when we react with fear and panic to them? Why this suppression of emotions? That is not healthy and it is really insensitive to anyone who way ever bullied and abused.

"I am enough just as I am"
I agree - this is life changing - however people who have gone through narcissistic abuse and ACE in childhood especially - cannot accept this right away due to amount of gaslighting and invalidation - the same invalidation that you talk at the start.

Social anxiety means having abuser toxic people in our external reality and it means having inner abuser inner critic in form of internalized malignant shame inside us. Both of these factors will prevent us to believe in our confidence.
Instead of using logic to fight Operant Conditioning - I would suggest Raising Windhorse - where we have confidence without any conditions, without any trials to convince ourselves that our trauma is hallucination and to have confidence in our social anxiety as our protector.

Real life problems are out of awareness of internet coaches. They live in their fantasy bubble and then give magical advice in patronizing way - while we are forced to live in cruel reality outside of safety bubble that coaches live in.

Shadow is important as the light. When we go into Crusades and Spanish Inquisition mode where we exterminate so called "negative thought patterns" - we are actually creating serious psychological damage inside us. We will start to believe that we can be confident only when we complete circus tricks about being super confident - and if we feel fear, that all our attempts suck and that we are abnormal person. This is not true. All emotions have validity. Disgust and fear - tell us what is dangerous in life and what we do not like. We need to respect those feelings instead of labeling them as crap that we must never witness.
It is the same as to say that going to toilet is smelly experience - and that we must never experience anything smelly in our life.
Well - without going to toilet we would toxify ourselves to hospital and inflict serious damage to our inner organs.
Please quit CBT and self-help industry - they are doing incredible psychological damage to ourselves by giving us wrong explanations and wrong directions.

""How do you deal with strangers who verbally put others down"
She does not have answer for such real life situations.
She only has examples of her fantasy world - where going to yoga is her only event in life, never had to work in real business where boss, colleagues and customers are abusing us - and we are suppose to take it stoically.
In real life - evil and toxic people exist. IT is fact of life that people like her ignore because this way she is regulating her own trauma - while having enough money to never actually be in touch with psychopaths and narcissists around us freely roaming around - because of people like her who cowardly turn their head and ignore the real problems that real people have to face in real life.

Us being happy and cheerful will not prevent evil from being evil. That is the most detrimental message in self-help videos like this and in CBT. We end up thinking and believing that it is our fault for evil people being aggressive, that we somehow caused them to assault us and that we are responsible for their anger and that we must fix them and feel responsible for them.
This is malignant toxic shame installed inside us - which in her world does not exist - so we end up when we listen to people like her with totally new layers of toxic shame on top of the existing one - and we never build tools of true confidence called Raising Windhorse.

YT "Social Anxiety: In The End What Others Think Of You Is Up To Them
"

"Ultimately in the end, what others think of you is their choice. If someone makes a mountain out of a molehill out of something you said, "
This is true -
however our social anxiety stems from malignant toxic shame installed inside us due to ACE and ACoA. Most people have no idea that their social anxiety stems from exposure to long term narcissistic abuse such as constant criticism and making drama out of our natural mistakes over long period of our developmental years. This is how our inner critic shame is programmed inside us (Operant Conditioning).
This means - we will feel codependent: we will believe other people's anger is automatically our fault and that we must fix other people and their mood swings. This inner critic will not go away with logic .- because it is trauma. Trauma is healed with installing our true Self inside us as our guide.

Secondly,,
"So after you done your good enough – which I'm sure you have- the rest is up to them!"
This is the crucial bit.
Narcissists and psychopaths and impulsive borderliners are anti-social. This means when we are in contact with people who are professional nitpickers and complainers - they will be on lookout for our mistakes.
So when they think of us via temper tantrums and anger and screaming - which triggers our social anxiety trauma - we won't have choice but to feel shame and guilt.
Because they pinpoint at our mistakes and flaws and even lie about our mistakes (gaslighting) - in order that we fall apart and be submissive and passive and that we live in fear and panic so that they can control us.
Psychopaths live for coercive control - this is what gives them self esteem like Dracula living on blood.

So they will target our high moral and ethical standards of not hurting anyone, our empathy and our professional standards of workaholism by not making any smallest mistake - and they will rip this out of us and hit us on our head - with our own limbs of high standards. Over and over again.

We will feel guilt and shame - because they will present our mistakes, flaws and imperfections - as catastrophe. And our sense of being good and not making mistakes inner critic will side with them.
And this is how we end up with social anxiety.

Toxic shame mixed with toxic empathy and our high moral and ethical standards being used against us by highly manipulative evil predators.

It is great when we can escape and cut contact - but in real life we are forced to live with this barrage of criticism every single day.

This mantra will not work with psychopaths who nitpick our mistakes and our high moral standards of not making mistakes.
In social anxiety -we are not the problem.
Our brain is not the problem.
It is predators and toxic evil people like narcissists and impulsive borderliners and psychopaths who are the only problem here.
We cannot reason out with someone who is pathological liar and devoted to hurt other people just for fun.

It is called social+anxiety,
It means that anxiety stems from the social element. Other people who are highly manipulative and who are pathological liars and perpetrators.
It is not called self anxiety.
Our anxiety does not stem due to lack of mantra - but because of exposure to criminally insane sociopaths who are clever in exploiting our sensitivity and empathy against ourselves.

YT "I HATE anxiety😭
"

People are born only with two fears in their lives:
1) fear of falling
and
2) fear of loud noises.

We are not born with fear of ordering chicken in a restaurant.
This kind of fear was installed inside us through the process called Operant Conditioning.
We were exposed to mentally ill people who mask their psychopathy. They criticized us over long period of time - with punishment and negative reinforcement - until we became afraid of other people - because our Self is destroyed. And now we depend on kindness and approval of other people - and then we will feel anxiety when ordering food - because our self worth and reason for living depends on all people around us.
This is Complex Trauma. CBT is mislabeling social anxiety as a mere shyness.

Some people are patient.
Others are abusive.
Breather will not help at all - but to make us more anxious.
We need to heal Complex Trauma - not to further invalidate our trauma with take a breather and there are patient people around.

Idea to be "stronger" and not to be "wimp" is actually causing social anxiety in the first place.
Patriarchy is the cause of social anxiety- because normal healthy friendly people are clashed with narcissists and psychopaths who are obsessed with grandiosity and upmanship and having fake narcissistic image facade social mask of being "strong" in order to impress other people.

Diagnosing other people over internet is abuse and abusing other people.
People with psychopathy due to abnormal brain are never aware how their words are harming other people.

Anxiety is neutral.
It is that we experience it as negative - because this neutral alarm system is activated when toxic evil people trigger us into it..
It is the same as to say that alarm signals on Star Trek are abnormal and scary - while the true problem are aliens who attack the Enterprise.

YT "Better Understanding Social Anxiety
"

Basically your definition of social anxiety is exposure and talking to people.
That is not social anxiety.
That is shyness and neurotypical issue.

Social anxiety allegory is already being explorer and being in conversation mode 24/7 HOWEVER the people on the other side are psychopaths. Like having toxic job which we cannot quit/change due to finances - and on this toxic place we are being bullied and attacked and assaulted verbally and physically 24/7 by the boss, from the colleagues and customers.
That is social anxiety.

Having fears of talking and going out is a mere shyness issue.
After all - it is called social+anxiety.
It means that anxiety stems from the social element, toxic people. It is not called self anxiety.
We are not afraid of our avoidance and trying to run from the danger. We are afraid of being seriously hurt by psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists and impulsive borderline - all sorts of predators.

When we ignore the external elements and inner critic internalized toxic shame factors - we will end up with delusional conclusions - that we are shy and that we are abnormal for experiencing panic.
This idea of self blame approach will add to new layer of toxic malignant shame and consequently new layers of social anxiety.

YT "KARA'S CURES: Social anxiety
"

I tried CBT for 20 years - and exposure and "skills" ended up as people pleasing and Fawning for me. Because as it turns out - social anxiety was not fault or disorder in my head as CBT explains it - but it was actually real reaction to abnormal sick psychopaths narcissists around me - that I never blocked due to CBT instruction that I must not avoid anyone.

CBT ruined my life by not telling the whole truth about social anxiety.
Instead of CBT there is IFS Model that actually helps with social anxiety.

"Having physical issue" -
it is clearly stated in DSM that when there is some other condition - that this is NOT social anxiety any more.

"standing out for being different"
Then the true problem/disorder are psychopaths and sociopaths who mock other people. Not our panic reactions to mentally ill people who are abusive to others.

"to develop social skills"
When CBT person tells us that it is important to develop social skills - it means that we become obedient slaves to corporations who will never have rebel ideas like communism or socialism or Union. This is programming of social control and obedience and herd mentality and groupthink, installed in 1960s when toxic CBT was invented.

"over protecting parents"
More often it is ACoA and ACE ambient where there is abuse by omission. Which patriarchy conservative right wing therapist often never mention at all, the effect of their own narcissistic abuse on children.

"Exposure therapy"
Does not work. We will still have social anxiety even after exposure.
This is because social anxiety stems from narcissistic abuse exposure - it is operant conditioning of being exposed to mentally ill adults who mask their mental illness: psychopathy and narcissism, ACoA and ACE.

-

I go out and I have a blast. I see people I know, watch show in a club, I talk. And it feels good, invigorated. And..next day I will feel anxious again about doing the same thing! You would think after so many times of positive reinforcement
🟥JamesCamacho
-

"Drive by, exposes to what they are most anxious about"
So.. what happens when the worst case scenario really happens?
When we are abused? When there is verbal abuse, assault?
What we do then?

"In case of bullying - talk to school administrator"
They are part of the problem too. They are bullies themselves.
And bullies who bully other people do this because of corruption - having powerful people in authority who allow them do anything to others.
Plus, school administrators do not want to meddle into bullying - out of sheer laziness and due to their own fears. Like in real life when there is mobbing at work, same problem.

Problem is not disorder in the socially anxious brain as CBT explains us.
The true problem is toxic society that glorifies narcissists and psychopaths and push down the silent kind people and mocks them away.

"In life you deal with these situations so you have to develop skills"

This is so victim blaming and victim shaming ideology.
We end up being the cause of problem and that we need to do something.
We are not police officers. We are not mental institution. People cannot do anything when criminally insane people are in power positions. That is cruel reality which CBT does not reveal to us - because narcissists are in jeopardy when we turn the blame into their direction -where abuse stems from in the first place.

The bottom line of CBT is:
if we are abused and then feel social anxiety as reaction to abuse - we need to blame ourselves and waste lifetime on therapy and medications in order to develop some magical fantasy cloud9 castle in the sky skills that would supposedly protect us from evil people who are anti-social.
This is the same Taliban patriarchy ideology that it is women who are problem when they are assaulted - their physical appearance and clothes need to be controlled in order for rapist never attack them.
While nobody throws actual rapist in the jail.

CBT tells us that social anxiety means it is healed when we are outgoing and when we have social skills. That is not social anxiety. That is shyness issue.
Social anxiety is exposure to abuse issue. We can be exposing ourselves to going out and we can talk to people - when social anxiety trauma is still inside us.
Social anxiety can be Functional and Masked.
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety due to abuse in childhood. Yet his social anxiety was Functional - he performed in front of billions of people, he made lots of money - yet his life ended in tragedy due to unresolved social anxiety trauma inside him.
Same story applies to Whitney Houston and Prince.

With CBT we end up with false belief that our job to tackle trauma is to build fake image, fake façade , that we fake pretend being strong and stoic that we grit our teethes and that we walk through life with existing like a robot or zombie - not allowing our emotions to tell us what is wrong and who is the true problem: toxic people.

"We see increase in social anxiety"
This is not video games and social media issue.
This is survivorship bias.
Same as helmets being used in WW2 showed increase of head injury - it was because without helmets those statistics would be dead ones.
In the same manner - with education about narcissistic abuse and trauma - people become more aware of hidden and taboo emotions which CBT is pathologizing and weaponizing against people since 1960s - when it was invented as tool of pathologizing emotions in order to hypnotize people into being zombie and obedient sheep.

"We learn from our difficulties more"
Well I do not see CBT experts quitting their lucrative jobs and becoming homeless to learn about life and people, do we?

"learn social skills is important in life"
Having social skills is already present in social anxiety.
With social anxiety we have empathy and we are highly sensitive to other people and their feelings, Negative politeness social skill.
This is what 80 percent of people do not have.
So telling socially anxious that they are incompetent - is degrading, damaging and extremely unfair and blaming.

"Get through it and not avoid it"
will end up as suicidal idealizations.
CBT ought to be banned - it is doing so much incredible psychological damage to people who were abused and who seek genuine help.

"a strength of character which is clearly lacking"
You mix up oranges and apples.
This is common bias - Base Rate Fallacy.
It means - that you draw general conclusions (being weak) from the observable event - while in the same time you ignore vast amount of evidence and data that contradicts your conclusions (that social anxiety means being weak sissy).

Socially anxious are assaulted by untreated mentally ill predators, psychopaths and sociopaths. Nobody, but no one - has enough strength to battle criminally insane evil.

Yep. And this is conditional love. That we are happy only if we focus on happiness. We can actually be happy very much if we keep our enemies at bay and when we block other people and focus on blocking new difficult people as a way to protect ourselves.
When we focus on our happiness - we will ignore manipulative people and pathological liars who will reflect being happy - and we will give them green light to enter with their Trojan Horse into our private sphere. And then be unhappy when they abuse us in covert manner.

(6.2.2024)

YT "Unmasking Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in Adult ADHD with Dr Bill Dodson and Beth Bardeen
"

So basically CBT crowd has no psychological cure for trauma of being abused by narcissists
and the only cure is being drugged up, narcomania and legalized drug pushing program.

-

We are on our own. We need to figure this out on our own, through self-education.
Nobody in medical industry will help us. They will only drug us and make us shut up and into obedient sheep who swallows DSM lies without protesting. This way we are excellent drone for narcissists and psychopaths in managerial positions and corporations which make up crony capitalism in America and UK.

DSM is not built to help neither to heal people who were abused.
It is created for narcissists to attract them into getting medications - and that is the whole purpose of DSM and CBT.
American system of health is not like in Europe - and UK is not too far from USA mentality.
Trauma is too costly for tax payers to deal with.
When we heal our trauma and mental issues - we will become opposition to narcissists in power - so anyone in authority position will not pay or help anyone to become their enemy.

We are on our own. We need to figure this out on our own, through self-education.
Nobody in medical industry will help us. They will only drug us and make us shut up and into obedient sheep who swallows DSM lies without protesting. This way we are excellent drone for narcissists and psychopaths in managerial positions and corporations which make up crony capitalism in America and UK.

YT "ADHD, rejection sensitivity and fear of setbacks
"

RSD prevents us from taking meaningful risk, our goals tasks desires in life. When we face setbacks, RSD will kick in and tell us why bother anyway.

YT "All Your Answers Questioned: Wild Ride with Professor Vaknin
"

around 4:00 "If we are not well regulated"
Dysregulation is also when we over-regulate. When we have intricate ways to regulate that we over do it. We often mix up dysregulation with lack of regulation. But it also can be having it too much of it. Too much of regulation that it becomes over-regulation and dysregulation. Often this is the case with people like us who are following psychology and educate ourselves about it and about narcissistic abuse. We over-regulate to the point of dysregulation - and then we think we do nothing and then we add more and more regulation without being aware that we went over-board.

4:41 "Images that we conjure up in our mind"
Kopfkino

6:40 "there is no one integrated, we are all broken, fractured"
This is what IFS Model basis also talks about - that there are many parts inside us that are in the conflict between each other.

Jordan Peterson bit was amazing. On target!
I wish I could give more than one like on this video to show appreciation.

Perpetuating problems - was eye opening.
This is something I discovered personally to be an issue. Being raised in ambient where any problem is nitpicked and where professional complainer complains all the time - when we grow up in such ambient - we will end up with trauma and social anxiety issues - due to fear of making mistakes and fear of being the problem who creates problems.
Vaknin explained it beautifuly, it is eye opening. It ends up not about solving problems.
Medicalization - everything becomes medical.

As usual amazing insight in Narcissism.
What I discovered that the socially anxious and avoidants are on the polar opposite of narcissism - however these both end up with the same results as narcissists and they even look alike from a third party perspective.
Socially anxious also have no idea what is love - and it takes deep education about trauma and narcissism to find out that love is about appreciating the details about other person which are not pornographic but erotic instead.
In the same way, socially anxious will also appear egocentric - because there is blockage of coming up with parties and events and ideas due to fear of abuse - and there will be avoidance. Where narcissists end up avoidant due to disregarding rights of other people - and they both end up isolated and avoidant in the end, but from polar opposite agenda and beliefs.
Socially anxious and narcissist are like twins raised in abusive ambient as children - who were separated. Socially anxious ended up in ambient of discipline - where reality is too harsh and socially anxious SEES the reality that bites and they got bitten, while narcissists ended up with own fantasy where their world is build of grandiosity and they can't see reality, only their own needs - and they bite others in order to get their needs met.

So what we have is comical movie scenario - narcissists due to ability to take risks will appear competent in the eyes of avoidants. And narcs will supposedly make more money and more success in life - but it will be squandered due to lack of empathy and love. People will eventually abandon them and run away or block them even if in the same room for life.
While on the other hand, most socially anxious (unless they are Michael Jackson) will end up being poor and isolated with mediocre or demanding tough jobs that do not pay much like in being nurse - they won't have much offerings in life and won't get much from life due to fear of taking risks and meeting new people - will in the same time posses the very thing that narcs lack of: empathy and love. Which will never be shared due to panic and trauma caused by narcs in childhood and adulthood.
It appears as if narcs have upper hand here...
HOWEVER - in the end - both of them will end up being isolate and alone, in the crowds or on their own - both of them will be surrounded by food and have no ability to absorb the vitamins - they will both starve in the kitchen filled with food.

They are both fighters and warriors and survivors but from polar opposite viewpoints. Narcs are openly fighters. While socially anxious fight is happening within - it is not observred by others - facing huge fears will not be observered by anyone else. While narcs will present it in movie showcase all cameras pointed at them.

I like Sam Vaknin's insight in physics - because anything in physic's world is reflection and explained in pscyhology too - like anything on micro scale is repeated in macro world, the universal law.

(7.2.2024)

"as an excuse to minimize the chaos you have caused"
Narcissists and borderlines and psychopaths who do not have awareness about the damage they do by sleeping with friends' husbands - do not waste their times watching videos like this one. They don't spend time learning psychology and concepts such as self-compassion.
Instead - their time is filled with sleeping with other people's husbands as primary focus in their lives, of chaos and drama.

YT "3 Reasons Why The Narcissist MUST Abuse You"

If we get caught in irrelevant details and it is important to us for some unknown reason - even though objectively is totally irrelevant - I believe this is a sign of ADHD, Autism and Neurodivergent brain and Preparedness paradox -
and it may be after-effect of narc abuse where we were conditioned to worry in detail how to keep temper tantrum hysterical person be calm by thinking in advance how to please them by expecting how to keep them calm and not angry and upset.

"I feel your struggle with the cleaning, pretty certain I have undiagnosed ADHD too. It’s created a never ending shame cycle for me. Sending love, I know how awful this feels."

Then enter the socially anxious - who are being told by CBT and self-help books that their anxiety is hallucination, that toxic people do not exist, and their task to beat social anxiety is to expose themselves to narcissistic abuse and stay inside it in order to be cured.
While in the same time - the after-effect of narc abuse both in childhood and in adulthood - including mobbing at work - is explained away by CBT and self-help books - as personality flaw, deep personal defect in the brain - which can be only cured with tyranny of shoulds and creating list of fears that could be fought only through more and more of exposure to toxic ambient and toxic people - while brainwashing ourselves into belief that toxic people do not exist by being "strong" and "stoic" and disciplined.
While in the same time CBT never mentioning the word complex trauma (because it is banned by DSM, nor explanation of what is narc abuse or toxic malignant shame or ACoA ACE - at all.

YT "Breaking The Toxic Shame-Limerence Cycle To Build True Intimacy
"

11:05 "You are not ever going to have a secure healthy relationship with someone who needs you to be perfect in order to love you. That is not love. That is transactional relating."
This is the information I was seeking for so long and no self-help books nor CBT were able to explain tell inform me - that right there.

(8.2.2024)

"Emotions are not formed from events, they're formed from our interpretation of events."
Yep.
This is what I believed for 20 years - because CBT told me this and explained it like that - and I believed it.
I ended up being people pleaser and I fawned.
In the same time - I did not investigate the probably suspect may be society - so it is only in 2021 that I discovered something called Shame Culture.

In narcissistic abuse - the target of abuse is gaslighted into believing that the only problem is the target - and that they are hallucinating the abuse.

"Why pretend we don't play part in our problem?"
That's a great question and this is stumbling block for many socially anxious people.

Let's put all cards on the table.
Let's start with the definition what is the problem and how come that we are the problem in social anxiety.

First of all - why are we the problem?
What exactly did we do to cause our social anxiety?

This is the open question - that we really need to examine from all possible angles.
My take is:
if we are not serial killers - we are not abnormal. We are not the problem.
If we do not have secret anti-social agenda to cause harm and hurt other people - we are not the problem.

So - make examination - what exactly did we do to deserve this level of intense social anxiety?
Why are we being punished?

And what we will see is that we were blamed and ashamed into feeling guilty by toxic people - who are using shame, toxic shaming - as a tool to control others and to make them shut up and to question themselves.

There was a Mel Robbins video from 1 year ago - that was called -You are not crazy, you are dealing with narcissistic abuse.

This enormous out of context social anxiety,panic and fear that we feel and experience - there is absolutely nothing that we did that we cause the problem to feel this way. No way. Nothing. And we cannot accept this - due to gaslighting, this is how narcissistic abuse works. We end up distrusting our Self, our sense who we are, our common sense about what is good and what is right, and we even label our reactive abuse as the proof that we are the problem. This is how narcissistic abuse functions - it leaves us doubting ourselves and really believing that we are the problem - when if we had time to investigate everything .- we would discover that we did nothing worse or bad that is equal to social anxiety.
After all - if we were really psychopaths and narcissists - we would blame other people automatically. We would not feel social anxiety, we would not stay inside social anxiety. We would quickly turn this toxic shame onto random people around us and then blame them immediately - without any investigation.
Manipulators are pathological liars and they are extremely excellent manipulators and they know which buttons to push inside us - so that we feel toxic shame and toxic guilt about any normal and regular mistake that we do. And then turn our moral and ethical standards against ourselves.

YT "Embrace Nothingness: Antidote to Narcissism
"

I'm fine with being Nothingness - However it makes me energized to help community, to explain social anxiety, to share my experience and my errors so other people do not waste 20 years of reading useless self-help books and CBT.
And perhaps to leave some kind of story - about finding job that I like,
and my art - not in the way to be worshipped in the future, but more like my graffiti that looks cute in a corner of a building.

It is the idea that no much how many we acquire or born with - we won't take it with ourselves in the next life.
And idea that if we do have a lot of money - we will attract psychopaths like in Saltburn (2023) - which means not living in peace.

And the idea - that if we do make a lot of money like having a lotto winning ticket - in all reality - due to anxiety and mental health issues -we will give it to others in order to feel loved and manipulators will sway us into loving them because suddenly they will become everything that we did not receive in trauma years - kind nice calm people who appear suddenly as super friends - and the next thing - we are buying them houses and cars and diamonds. People from poverty who won lotto - repeatedly squander it all in a few years.

I just watched Sam Vaknin video from 2020.
He says:
Embrace nothingness. Nothingness is an anti-dote to narcissism.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin

Toxic shame is narcissism, they are interchangeable.
Nothingness steals the supply both from toxic shame and from narcs who are toxically ashaming us. Then neither toxic malignant shame nor narcissistic abuse has no field to find root to grow.

(9.2.2024)

"Many moons ago whenever I would try to exert my independence, my strict Eastern European father would tell me, "Stop this nonsense! YOU ARE NOTHING & NOBODY!". That has impacted me in so many ways, both negatively & positively. This video really took me back in time."

There is a difference though. In Shame Culture country - telling a child that he is nobody is mentally ill, coming from a psychopath.
Telling this to an adult with background knowledge about deep psychology and Buddhism - has totally different meaning - than telling it to a child whos brain is in developmental stage and where child brain needs nurture and love and acceptance.

I've been following Sam Vaknin videos for 1 year now on repetitive basis - and for some unknown reason I skipped these videos from 2020 about nothingness.
This information helps with social anxiety, with Rejection Sensitivity, with Quiet BPD.
This data that Sam Vaknin talks about in detail - helps and will help anyone struggling with anxieties and fears and panic in social situations.
I am talking about fear that narcissists also have- "what other people think about me." Inability to live with other people - even potential ones - having a bad opinion about us. And then having attitude why try anything in life anyway - when we will make other people angry.

There is a paradox - that is related to Sam Vaknin's God video - about creation of Universe.
When we embrace nothingness - our brain will not stand it. It will fight. It will try to create something out of nothing. This happens automatically, totally outside of our control - because there is some unknown force that is doing this. And what will come out is our Self - because nothingness acceptance means that we neutralize other people in the process - and now we are no longer brainwashed, drained and dragged down by criticism of others nor our inner critic installed during ACoA and ACE years.

(10.2.2024)

" cured me of trying to figure out the narcissist and to disconnect completely"
Exactly this!
We don't get clear information how to handle toxic people who cross common sense boundaries and injure us over and over again in life where we try to be the wiser one and shut up and never react to unfair treatment - ending up with social anxiety trauma. Where we conclude it is better not to try anything in life - since people will lie to us, cheat us and attack us for their agenda of greed - so why try anything anyway.
Sam Vaknin's explanation works like charm. It neutralized and cleans any possession, it is like an act of Exorcism that is counterintuitive and confusing to many people who lack previous education in psychology and philosophy.

But the reason why we are in our head is because we are restless, we do not trust ourselves, we reject the trust in our Self, and we seek answers - usually from other people and this leads to comparison and suppression and rejection of Self.
Self-love means that we accept ourselves as we are, and then naturally we won't seek anymore consciousness to find love and safety and security.

This is paradox. Self will come out - because that is the law of life and Universe. This is what Sam said that crystal pure form will emerge. Without our judgement, stigma, self-pathologizing and criticism from others - this emerges when we stop fighting ourselves for rejecting our fears and worries.

@ashleigh3173 Good question.
"how to differentiate."
The best way is Glasser, hopefully YT algorithm will not delete my comment, because I copy paste this following text very often which clarifies this confusion how to differentiate between toxic and healthy shame, as a guideline;

Controlling Habits:
Blaming
Criticizing
Complaining
Nagging
Rewarding To Control
Threatening
Punishing
William Glasser

William Glasser "What's my Choice" Connecting Habits:
Listening
Supporting
Encouraging
Negotiating
Respecting
Accepting
Trusting

This is interesting - because what happens in real world - when we live for example in corrupt poor country like the Balkans - there police is not doing its job. So we have random people breaking the law - like crossing red light and where we can commit injury to lawbreakers because they do not follow the rules and there is no police to regulate misdemeanors with hefty fine.

How can we negotiate with people who refuse to negotiate -
yet we are forced to live with them and they keep breaking the agreed law which is created to know boundaries and to keep of injuring one another. like in traffic rules.

This is where psychology stops. There is no answer for this - and we end up being confused how to set boundaries with people whom we cannot block or mute - and they keep crossing our boundaries over and over again.

The best answer is Sam Vaknin and his playlist about Nothingness.
He explains clearly -
that dualism and double binding will always make us be ashamed and wrong while toxic people will simply do their business without caring about the after-effects. Then we stay stuck with toxic shame because we follow ethical and moral laws.
He explains that when this happens - this is due to our urge to compare with others - and we need to come back to our own body - so that we no longer trauma bond with toxic society that spreads toxic shame.
-
This opinion shapes their actions.

Be careful what kind of data you emit. What kind of attitude you project. What kind of self negation you broadcast. Be very careful about the way you treat yourself. Because people are looking, people are observing –audience and spectators all around. And the way you treat yourself is the way you're going to be treated.

Treat yourself as you would like others to treat you

🟥 UP TO YOU How People Treat You: Change Your Messaging, Signaling

(11.2.2024)

This right there
"so all extroverts are narcissist?"
This is the central problem.

We tend to jump to quick conclusions, bias and prejudices.
When we live in toxic ambient since birth - we tend to think this is our reality. Like fish being in the water, not being aware that water exists or that air is out there.
In the same manner -
you draw conclusions that ALL extroverts are without empathy.
From your position you see so called "confident" people as those who are cruel.
This happens due to exposure to narcissistic abuse and psychopaths since childhood.

Then we believe that being extrovert means being cruel and abusive to other people. This is not true at all.

Second bias is perception of cruelty.
When we grow up with abuse (AcoA and ACE) - we will tend to quickly label human behavior with stigma.
Someone is angry - we will believe that they are extroverts - because they speak out freely and without inhibitions.
Then we will think that such person is extrovert.
We will draw plethora of wrong conclusions about other people - and this is due to abuse, our Self was destroyed and we have no solid core inside us that we turn to - instead we classify and depend on other people to label something as safe or dangerous.

With abuse - all people who are open and discuss freely - we will interpret them as cruel - because that is how we we raised and what we experienced socially when we were bullied.
-

" stop taking life too seriously."
Who defines what is too seriously?
Is there a book that tells us what is too and too much and too little?
When other person tells us and commands us how to think and how to process reality - that is coercive control, manipulation and abuse. We are expected to conform to herd mentality, groupthink and some tyrant who is expecting us to shut up and be censored for their own comfort.

When we depend on other person to be happy at our own expense - this is called people pleasing, fawning and Negative Politeness.

When we feel like this:
" I feel like a threat to others when I just keep to myself, mind my business, and avoid confrontation."
- this is a clue that we were exposed to narcissistic abuse

" they have not received POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT SUPPLY in essential aspects of life"
They have not received so much more.
They received Operant Conditioning, alright.

" They are hyper insecure, PASSIVE and gun shy narcissist in essence."
Labels force us to build this personality based on labels. Our symptoms are trauma. They are not persona. Nobody explains us this - until Sam Vaknin who do it in detail.

"Aren't all people seeking POSITIVE FEEDBACK/REINFORCEMENT SUPPLY in most essential facets of life?"
Basically - who cares. We cannot know answer to this question because a large scientific project should cover all people from birth till death - and their actions and thoughts would need to be monitored in order to know answer for your question. Problem is with emotions - because we don't know what emotions we have and many people lie, they do not report the truth for forever reason. This makes science very hard to do its job of research.

" then what is the use of all this psycho-analysis?"
The bottom line is that we realize why we feel toxic shame and how to turn life around and become our true Self - which we cannot be due to internalized toxic shame.

"the greater the chance of actually IDENTIFYING with the problem instead of DISASSOCIATING from it"
This is what Sam Vaknin talks about in his videos. That truth in the end depends on ourselves and our choice what to believe. And in order to hear all sided, from all angles and know all dimension - we need to identify everything -
it is like lighting LED light in a dark cellar where our archive memories and suppressed dumped emotions and beliefs live.

"all a big giant guess as to how to improve one's life "
This is how we get new ideas and new inventions - that is a good thing.

" be achieved by maybe doing "NOTHING""
Nope. Sam Vaknin repeatedly said that nothingess is not about being lazy.

"What if we use "NOTHINGNESS" as a way to NEGATE our identities"
Than this is not nothigness - because if you negate something - that means that there is something in the first place.

" maybe NEGATING our "LOSER IDENTITY" can actually help the problem "
It is more about negating labels/diagnosis - since labels are based on something that is untrue.

"simply doing nothing and ignoring the problem is equivalent to vigilantly "studying and analyzing it""
No, it isnt'.

"psychoanalyzing sometimes actually makes the problem worse"
He clarified this in his previous videos.
It the person who is a crook and a car salesmen is doing anything - the by-product will always be worse.

"each human and life in general is NOTHING"
When we label others as something - we are creating something.
This paradox is confusing, you need to learn some ancient Greece paradoxes to catch the drift.
Start with Zeno's paradoxes.

" Is your study about Narcissism a fancy existential hobby"
He is Professor. This is not his hobby.

"when the world wants to heat your pride"
This is where Nothingness helps - we become nothing and then whatever world want or doesn't want is no longer central focus in our shame and guilt or trauma. There is nothing that what world orders us can plant seed and grow into - due to nothings inside us.
WHo we are and what we base our opinions is based on common sense and what we deem as moral and ethical standard objectively - and then herd mentality and groupthink cannot order us to change our wants into world's wants.

"A search for only comfort and reassurance,"
But this is how our brain is wired, it is genetical - it is automatic. Self preservation.
Our brain knows what is the best solution and decisions for us. IT is only DSM and CBT and crooks liars and toxic people - who put instagram list of commands what is normal - and then we obey herd mentality and groupthink - and we reject and suppress our brain and natural reactions in order to conform to someone else's definition about what is "worse" and what is "assuring thing" approved by tyrants and psychopaths in power.
This inability to follow our common sense causes mental health issues.
If we are not serial killers, if we do not have hidden agenda to harm other people - why on Earth we need to control ourselves and to deny comfort and reassurance? For what reason we need to self flagellate ourselves and deny ourselves natural ambient?

(12.2.2024)

YT "Beating Social Anxiety?"

Exposure will work in healthy country and ambient. And when we have money to finance our escapades and events.
In reality - we do not have money for exposure - mostly due to social anxiety. And it is more likely that we live in Shame Culture ambient where people nitpick and mock our weirdness.
Exposure will do harm to most socially anxious - because we do not have solid Self inside us - which is destroyed through mobbing and neglect and invalidation from toxic people.
Instead of CBT exposure - I would suggest IFS Model.

Yet confidence has nothing to do with real social anxiety.
Social anxiety by definition is fear of criticism and expressing our own criticism - it is not primary issue of self-esteem - which depends on money and ambient.

Social anxiety can be Masked and Functional.
Masking our traits in order to be accepted by groupthink and herd mentality will destroy our confidence and make us into people pleaser and pushover - since our confidence will depend on other people's approval. This leads to narcissism and borderline issues.
And suppressing of emotions leads to mental illness.

That is great but real life is unfortunately more than voluntary desk job.
In real life predators and pathological liars exist - and our jobs will be place of mobbing. Without finances to escape screaming and vulgar profanities and accusations which are false- being stuck in toxic job is social anxiety itself.

When we attach labels and diagnosis on ourselves - we will built fake personality around it and become slave to it.

" I focus on things that are within our control, developing empathy, "
With social anxiety we already have high levels of empathy.
Over-regulation is as much as toxic as having no regulation at all.
This is why CBT is so harmful therapy - because of misleads us into toxic shame and belief that we are never enough.

" If you feel like blaming society"
Speaking the truth, being objective, being honest - IS NOT blaming.

" all of the studies of CBT have found either."
CBT is based on Researcher Bias and Base Rate Fallacy - it sees only internal reasonings without studying emotions - because feelings are not measurable it can't.
CBT is not science, it is a collection of false research. Show me research. Let's see this research - what kind of people were being researched. Shy people and narcissists, not socially anxious ones.

YT "Gently overcoming Social Anxiety: Success stories! 💪
"

Feeling afraid what other people think of us is Narcissistic Mortification.
It stems from exposure to narcissistic a b u s e while growing up - exposure to constant criticism all the time.

YT "Social anxiety is egoic
"

I am not sure that word "egoic" exists in English.
It is Egoist vs. Egotist

Social anxiety - worry how other people perceive us - is after-effect of narc a b u s e.
It is result of manipulation and control and pathological lying, trauma.
Socially anxious focus on other people a lot - so your Base Rate Fallacy is fallacy. Socially anxious look at other people - they look their faces, gestures, they listen to other's tone of voice - in order to see if there will be a sudden attack from others.

You mix up Ego-centrism with Ego. Ego in Freudian term means our persona, our body, our mind. We need Ego to live. Without Ego we would be zombie, people pleaser and fawning to others, pushover.
Being authentic, artistic skills to learn and discover creativities is Ego.
Wanting to prove ourselves to others is Egotism.

"So , the key difference between the two terms is that "egoist" is more related to a philosophical or ethical perspective that emphasizes self-interest, while "egotist" refers to a person's behaviour or personality characterized by excessive self-centeredness and a lack of consideration for others"

We judge ourselves because of trauma, This is due to exposure to Operant Conditioning while growing up - constant criticism in our developmental years when we as children did not know psychology and we needed love and safety and mirroring - we instead received drama and hysteria and nagging and complaining about our natural mistakes.
This Complex Trauma cannot be removed with discipline nor logic. Dumping symptoms on us will not help at all - it will aggravate the toxic shame.
When we add more of toxic shame onto already present one - we will feel more shame - we won't be cured of it magically.

When you get idea that you push down your Self and to serve others - this will end as Borderline issue. You will create black and white explanations of reality which are not based on science nor real world - because at the start you mix up Self Ego with selfishness and narcissism. This is common mistake - almost all socially anxious do this due to lack of education in psychology and philosophy.

Speaking in public is not social anxiety issue. That is a mere shyness.
Social anxiety can be Masked and made Functional - which leads to mental illness.
Any mentors - is scam and hoax.

YT "How To Meet New People If You Have Social Anxiety
"

Socially anxious are already focused on other people - they look for signs of danger because
social anxiety is called social+anxiety.
This means anxiety stems from the social element - other people and their criticism.

Mother is the root of problem and she weaponized psychiatry to extend her narcissism onto this girl.
Maybe social service should be contacted here?
Social anxiety is not free card for entitlement.
Truly socially anxious person will be quiet and embarrassed and will be people pleaser and pushover and allow people to sit on them if they desire to.
Social anxiety is not entitlement - that is narcissism and psychopathy.
Toxic people hide behind diagnosis in order to get free stuff and entitlement.

Now the truly socially anxious people who are reserved and quiet will be stigmatized by others - because others will think that social anxiety means entitlement.

YT "How to Overcome Social Anxiety | Communication"

You never mention other people who are problem here. Toxic people.
What happens when we live in Shame Culture country - where other people have poor , extremely low social skills?
what happens when we are dealing with pathological liars?
People who have hidden agenda to exploit us like car salesmen mentality?
Talking with pathological lying will help? Nope, it will make things worse because we will reveal data to them and their manipulation will allow us to enter our private sphere, like a Trojan Horse.

Framework in our mind will only work when we accept ourselves as we are, with faults and errors and flaws.
Confidence does not mean overcompensation, or our past proven results. Confidence is paradox - when we accept that we are not confident.
When we face toxic people - we won't become confident. We will become confident when we cut and block toxic people after we recognized criminally insane. To cut others - we need to have money - and this finances issues you never mention in your video at all.

So you basically do not mention crucial elements in social interactions:
- toxic people
- finances

And all your talk falls apart because it has more holes than Swiss cheese.

YT "6 Tips to Overcome Social Anxiety #shorts
"

1) Mediate does not help
2) small steps does not help
3) we are already focused on others around us hence anxiety from surrounding social element
4) over regulation is as much as damaging as hypo regulation
5) soc anx people do not have friends - they have social anxiety
6) CBT is ableist horrible therapy that leads to mental illness. IFS Model helps instead and it is free.

YT "Self reflection from an introvert or someone who deals with social anxiety/low self esteem
"

Social anxiety stems from distrust in our Self. Due to exposure to ACoA and ACE while growing up (relentless criticism 24/7)
You are on the correct path narrative here.
Check out Sam Vaknin videos about Nothingness.

YT "Diagnosed Avpd shares his struggles…Part 12
"

I am not sure that diagnosis helps at all. Especially not CBT or DSM ones based on ableism and ignorance of neurodivergence.
It starts to be some kind of clothes that we wear and becomes our personality, fake persona.
Instead of weaponizing trauma and shaming ourselves that we have "paranoia" without being actually paranoid - will not help at all.
This guy is very rude and anti-social, I talked to him - he is aggressive.
There is a thin line between AVpD person and anti-social narcissistic predator wounded narcissist.

YT "Curing Your Anxious Attachment Style
"

I am not sure that labels and diagnosis helps us much - when we start to build our personality around these.
Because the next time we are in tricky double bind situations - instead of reacting naturally - we mislabel our emotions and reactions as sickness and abnormality.
This means - instead of cutting contact with toxic people who trigger our trauma - we will try "not to have" attachment issues - and hence become codependent and people pleaser and fawning and pushover.
This is problem with CBT and DSM - these become weaponized psychology that is fought against our reactions and trauma. Instead of validation and care and self love and self trust - we declare civil war inside our head and then like Spanish Inquisition we hunt down the "undesirable" emotions and reactions.
This leads to suppression and denial and dissociation - and these dysfunctional coping mechanisms lead to mental illness - because we become unable to see reality, we don't have ability to have reality check.
Instead of reality - CBT and DSM push us to live in delusional world where certain emotions are not allowed.
Without all our emotions - we cut off reality from us - since we won't be able to process what is really going on.
When we pathologize ourselves - toxic people will join into self flagellation and we will end up codependent on others.

Instead of hunting down thoughts that come on our mind- the best solution is IFS Model and Sam Vaknin videos about Nothingness.

YT "Tips to Overcome Social Anxiety
"

1) We already ARE mindful. Being aware of anxiety and toxic people around us is mindfulness. Not being aware that we have panic and not being aware of psychopaths would not be mindfulness. How much more mindfulness we need than that? If nothing else, we need less mindfulness.
2) Challenging negative thoughts leads to OCD. Pink Elephant. Ironic processing Theory. The more we suppress something, the more we think about it because we now invest time and energy to block it.
3) People in third world countries lean into discomfort and it doesn't seem that it much helps with quality of life and safety. Slum parts of American cities, too.
4) Social anxiety is called social+anxiety. It means that anxiety stems from the social element, not from the self. We are not afraid of ourselves.
5) Professional help is filled with CBT crap like this video - which leads to more anxiety self blame and mental illness.

YT "Fear of Opinions: Exploring Allodoxaphobia
"

Diagnosis makes things worse-
and it leads to misdiagnosis.
Fear of opinion is Narcissistic Mortification. And it stems from ACoA and ACE ambient while growing up (constant criticism and blame 24/7)

YT "How I Overcame Social Anxiety As An Autistic Person #actuallyautistic #unmaskingautism
"

That is true.
However in real world, we will be attacked, blamed, judged, mocked when we unmask. Then we will end once again with social anxiety - that started when other people attacked us for being ourselves in the first place.

Social anxiety is not self anxiety.
We are not afraid of ourselves.
IT is called social+anxiety -because anxiety stems from the social element: toxic people, predators and narcissists who are mentally ill and who feel good about themselves when they hurt other people for fun.

YT "How to Easily OverCome Social Anxiety!! (Free Training)
"

You confuse social anxiety with shyness.
Social anxiety is not related to vagina hunting.
Neither to going to gym.
Social anxiety can be Masked and Functional - like Michael Jackson who had severe social anxiety that was Functional - yet it ended in tragedy due to unprocessed trauma which was unprocessed because of masked anxiety that was functional. Same story applies to Prince and Whitney Houston.

We all have internal narrative - and nope - our narrative does not stop us from living our life. IT is more lack of money and Shame Culture ambient around us that is toxic and intrusive.
Idea that we blame our brain as being abnormal - will lead to severe toxic shame and self blame and inability to trust our brain and our reactions and our conclusions.

Socially anxious are already focused on the other people - in great detail. Due to negative experiences and attack from toxic people in the past like mobbing and bullying.

What you label as "internal monologue" - that is called Narcissistic Mortification and this starts as by-product of ACE and ACoA, operant conditioning exposure to relentless criticism and self blame in our formative years 24/7, similar complaining to your video where you instruct us to blame ourselves and to label our brain as abnormal and sick and cause of all evil in our life.

Socially anxious are empaths -and they are already interested in others and they actually listen to others - and hence social anxiety because toxic people are toxic and intrusive and abnormal and anti-social.

Nope, there are plethora of psychopaths and sociopaths and narcissists who are very much interested in exploiting other people.

"They aim to prepare the mind for real-life situations"
Socially anxious already prepare themselves for real life situations.
It is real life situations which are the problem. Not our reactions to it.
Toxic people.
Predators.
Narcissists.
Pathological liars.
A b u s e r s.
Parasites.
Impulsive borderliners.
Criminally insane.

The greatest minds in psychiatry have not come up with solution to toxic people - and we are expected to do it with our imagination?
Instead of more preparedness, I would rather go in the direction of self validation.

YT "Internet: Heavenly Narcissism Factory (Convo with Guy Sengstock)
"

To put it in perspective - it is the clash of Cultures - shame culture. Like in the Balkans where narrative is macho alpha male - where male pop singers are not allowed to be gay due to fear of being sissy - so no colors are allowed or deep emotions. They follow groupthink herd mentality imposed by society.
While in the same time - as Italian San Remo we see freedom of individual - where male singers if they choose - they wear gloves, have long ear rings, wear pink hear, bright shiny clothes.

" you Can and SHOULD cut them out (ties, communication, etc.), and ONLY focus on the real ones"
I agree 100%
However
real world does not work this way. Unfortunately.
In real life - we are forced to share space with toxic people and we don't have means to escape every time.
Arguing with pathological liars leads to drama, hysteria and perhaps physical violence.
Sometimes to backstabbing and we have no idea that they gossip behind our back and everybody hate us and avoid us due to lies that we never heard at all.

I would suggest Sam Vaknin videos about Nothingness.

YT "From Defeated To Defiant: Stop Apologizing For Being Autistic
"

People will not recognize autism. We do not carry labels on our forehead.
What happens in real life - people will be intrusive, toxic.. They will label us as sissy, feminine - and then we will internalize toxic shame and try not to appear as sissy or feminine.
They will attack our ways of doing certain task - and then ashame us when mistake happens - blaming our way of working as the cause of error.
Over and over again.
They will not correct and discipline neurodivergent brain. They will attack so called errors and mistakes and flaws.
This is where it gets complex.

We need feedback. We need honest critique which is constructive.
In real life situations - this will come in shady and unclear way.
We won't know immediately if the other person is constructive or dysfunctional. This is where it forks:
1) we may automatically block other critics, which leads to Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - and social anxiety. Inability to hear criticism due to toxic people who used our errors as a way to control us and ashame us - just for fun and dominance and their self esteem.
2) we may choose to investigate what is happening. Toxic people do not wear toxic on their forehead as much as autistic or HSP or ADHD person does not wear this label on their forehead.
Then in order to analyze what is going on - this will take time, it will steal our focus and attention - we may lose money in this Sherlock Holms scientific approach - and we may come to false conclusions - when the other person is pathological liar and covert mentally ill person who masks their mental illness and psychopathy such as impulsive borderliners.

Then the idea to reject any criticism and block people -
1) will not work in real life where our job is connected with customers and annoying people (90 percent of all jobs)
or
2) we will make more and more mistakes, since we do not receive the necessary feedback needed for our improvement.

Think of Rush Stockton - who rejected all criticism , especially from Safety specialists. He wanted to make bucks and pursue his own idea in innovative way - and this ended in tragedy, he destroyed 4 innocent people - because of his inability to hear criticism and love of money dollars from billionaires.

As I understand - it is nothingness that smothers shared fantasies - it is similar to checking out of online game, Or another example is using mute or block button on Twitter - so we no longer get stimulated by annoying person - since we do not see their comments anymore - so we are no longer triggered by someone's words and lies.

I think it is not about staying in nothingness. IT is more a way of extinguishing Operant Conditioning that we were hypnotized into with narc assault.
The urge to stay in something is not nothingness so this is paradox.
I see nothingness more as a frame of mind - that helps us when we start to worry and ruminate and in panic situations when antother person is hysterical and intrusive - and when our trauma gets re-triggered and we get re.traumatized, we simply remember this wisdom that Sam discovered and shared with us. This makes nothingness as anti-dote to narcissism. All other approaches do not help-
when we engage with toxic people - because they are pathological liars we get soaked into shared fantasy. That leads to narcissism.
When we try to block it - we build walls and create OCD and worry and walking on eggshelves in order not to get into contact or conflict with difficult person. That leads to psychosis.
So the third way how to handle toxic people - is that we keep awareness that to other people we are nothing and that our core Self is known only to ourselves, and real only to ourselves. This way toxic people no longer have power over us.

(13.2.2024)

IFS Model.
And Sam Vaknin Nothingness videos.
Social anxiety stems from exposure to narcissistic a b u s e (ACoA and ACE) while growing up and later on as bullying and mobbing.
This means - we need to learn psychology, philosophy, we need education about human behavior.
Without proper facts and science- our mind will tend to blame itself due to toxic shame which is by-product of ACoA and ACE. With social anxiety our Self persona personality is destroyed and we unconsciously trauma bond with other people - and this comes up on the surface as social anxiety.
It has nothing to do with talking or social skills. IT is trauma injury, Complex Trauma issue.

"Im an actionable solutions and steps on moving forward kind of guy. "

If you are stuck in hamster wheel, running faster inside it won't produce anything but exhaustion and harm.

There is a saying:

It is an ironic habit of human beings to run faster when they have lost their way.
Rollo May

If you go the wrong way, action will not put you on the right track- by simply being active.

YT "Healing Through Meaning: Logotherapy, PTMF, and Cold Therapy (University Lecture)
"

I was reading Viktor Frankl famous book Search for meaning when I was inside an ambient that looked very much alike Concentration camp: Balkan compulsory military service in 1997. As I read it I was surprised to find many similarities with Nazi camp and Balkan right-wing idea of compulsory army service.
The book did not help me. The book said that the our decisions to live must be our guiding light and that toxic people cannot harm us inside. They can. And without my Self as GPS - I have no idea where to go in life. I do not hate Viktor Frankl though, he had some other great ideas which work in life - however this idea of his does not work in extreme life circumstances such as living in Balkan state filled with psychopaths and narcissists in power positions for 30 years now. WW2 luckily enough lasted for 5 years. I am not sure that Frankl's ideas would survive 30 years of living under Nazi regime.

Your comment enlightened me -
I never paid much focus on the fact - that I have purpose, strong desire to try out and not to give up.
I wasn't always like that.
Looking back, when I started developing social anxiety in 1990 when I was 13, I went through the stages early on in my life where I could not find meaning and only action was being passive.
It was around my 17th birthday that I realized it was up to me that I bootstrap myself, pull myself by bootstrap and pick myself up.
This of course does not work in real life - but the desire to wake myself out of nightmare that keeps on going did the trick eventually.
With time, long long time - I realized by my 30th year to see negativity and passivity and not having meaning - as something that I can see as entity. IT was no longer endless ocean that I was drowning in. Instead - it was a manageable construct, that I can shift my focus away. IT was no longer all around me, I could slowly put a frame on it. I don't think this would be possible with many micro steps of forcing myself to be positive and to see silver lining. Joel Osteen lectures and Hour of Power helped me a lot in this process even though I am not religious person.

YT "Healing Through Meaning: Logotherapy, PTMF, and Cold Therapy (University Lecture)
"

"Frankl says that people are capable of resisting and braving even the worst conditions. He says you must rebel against these constraints. You must detach from the situation, you must choose an attitude, determine your own determinants. You must shape your own character. You must become responsible for yourself, you must fight back. Note innate strengths that people have despite what person gone through Ecce hommo."
I agree with Frankl here 100%.
However his methods unfortunately do not work in real life.
There are too many constraints - those which we do not see are the most difficult ones, the ones that we are not aware of, yet they create damage.
We could spend 30, 40 years seeking innate strengths - that could easily be discovered if we had the correct information and data.
This is why I see Sam Vaknin's Nothingness as the missing link, missing puzzle that Frankl missed in his work.

YT "Questions I asked My (Late) Goldfish: Meaning of Life"

Money grabbing coaches, self-help industry - they sell books and TEDx speeches. So they are trapped inside their own prison of Confirmation Bias.
They cannot say in 2 years from now on -when they discover that their book was totally wrong - to declare their own work as wrong - since their instagram account and books and media - would also be wrong then, and they cannot admit vulnerabilities of being wrong.
So what they do - is they update their books and speeches and charge it, like Windows operating software.
Problem start when they falsely report our critique to YT as personal attack, and we get warning in inbox that we will be banned soon because of "hate" speech. Shadow banning and cancel culture is their by-product. They would rather destroy another person than to admit that they are human being prone to errors and wrong conclusions.
That is highly psychopathic.

I am just watching Sam Vaknin's Nothingness videos, and he talks about this subject from philosophical point. What is meaning in life.
Are we machines who's purpose is to be industrial for the purpose of being mechanical - where we need to be social and follow trends for the purpose of fitting in and nothing else.
Or are we living human beings that may be industrious to support oneself financially, yet with our individuality that groupthink and herd mentality will label as diagnosis in order to shut up our individuality that scares groupthink ideologies.

YT "Questions I asked My (Late) Goldfish: Meaning of Life
"

"Humans are designers, they intentionally create functional objects whose purpose is ostensibly also their meaning. That's the source of confusion. Similarly human being treat their own lives as objects. They mold their lives to avoid dysfunction, to enhance functionality, to accomplish goals. Supplant natural selection with volitional. Will this imbue our thus objectified selves with meaning?
Aren't we confusing choice with meaning, which is end?"

To put this into example from daily life -
this describes CBT which is telling to socially anxious that the meaning in their life is to fight fears. To list fears and then face them. That the purpose in life is to talk to people - even when they are dangerous and with hidden agenda, predators and pathological liars.
The same mentality in self help books and coaches that tell us that confidence is the only way to live life - even when we fake it, that when we have this super confidence - that we will attract girls and we will have great jobs, lots of money and we will travel - and when we do not have these goals, it means we do not try hard enough or we need to pay more and more coaching - and when this doesn't help, then it means that we are hopeless lazy losers.

When I tried to discuss this with random self-help professional selling souls coach, today, he said, and I quote his own words:
" I’m not a sit around look at everything bad that’s ever happened to me kind of guy.
Im an actionable solutions and steps on moving forward kind of guy. "
Well - I answered him - that taking action inside hamster wheel will not get him anywhere but being tired and harmed eventually when he falls out off his speedy frantic spinning wheel in loop.

Recovery means realistic view of life- and this imbue facts and objective facts.
Idea that we push down parts of reality which appear as self pity is denial, dissociation and suppression - all dysfunctional coping mechanisms which leads to mental illness: delusion and narcissism, inability to learn from reality.

All emotions are valid. All experiences teach us a lesson - and then we improve.
When we go along with CBT idea to block for example "self pity" just because retrospection appears as self pity to someone with low IQ - we will never learn about self love and self validation - which is percussor of healing trauma.

---

(14.2.2024)

YT "Why You're Confused by Your Emotions"

Yet, like any CBT therapist - it lacks the core message of what traumatized people need to hear: validation, acceptance, self love. These always escape emotion-less DSM zombies in medical industry. This way we stay stuck codependent on person who claims has all the answers while we are permanent victim who is helpless and cannot pick oneself up - Karpman Drama Triangle.
Any kind of patronizing to ACE ACoA survivor is like touching the 3rd degree burn skin - and this is what CBT cannot understand since CBT is pathologizing emotions.
And CBT is pathologizing emotions not because emotions are bad and misleading as CBT brainwash us into believing - but because DSM cannot measure emotions - it is impossible to detect them and find a scale how to measure scientific way - and emotions can be fake, too. So DSM and CBT came up with "brilliant" plan - to blame emotions for all evil on this world - while in the same time narcs and predators walk away hands free from the crime scene, perpetrators who traumatized us are never blamed at all.
But our emotions are scapegoated by CBT.
CBT ought to be banned - it is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone who was traumatized and now labeled as sick by DSM.

YT "Why You're Confused by Your Emotions
"

Personality disorder definition is very distorted here.
6:27 "Personality disorders are prolonged beliefs, behaviors, and patterns that have typically been aversive to the individual and the way they see themselves, others and their relationships"
Personality disorders is inability to become aware how one's behavior is affecting others.
CBT's definition tells us that there exists come kind of magical fantasy book that will tell us what is aversive. And then we must follow this non-existent law rule book how to exist.
This way Martha Mitchel will be labeled as nut just because she talks facts about corruption of Nixon's administration.

It is very dangerous to believe that other person can provide us the truth.
This way we can become mindless zombie who is codependent on other people to straighten us up.
In real world, a lot of people with true personality disorder (anti-social) walk around, they will harm us, and they are pathological liars.
So they will present themselves as the only truth - and due to CBT message that we cannot trust our emotions - we will ignore our red flag signals to avoid this person - and we will become stuck in narc relationships at family, job, "friendships".
CBT ought to be banned - it is doing so much incredible psychological damage by providing half information which is distorted and directed against ourselves.

Ok. So what happens when we discover that our toxic job hurts us and we cannot quit this mobbing place due to finances?
What then, CBT tells us to do?
This is taboo topic for CBT - since CBT explains us that we are always the problem. God forbid that capitalist system is the problem.

"why so many people seem to hate the ones suffering with BPD"
Because BPD is half baked narcissism- it is toxic to others.
Just look at the comments, there are people who order the author of this video about his music in the background. That is extremely rude and inconsiderate and tyrannical - and BPD person is not aware how damaging is to complain other person all the time about the smallest insignificant thing in life.

"what do you do when you feel something intense and also have some evidence to support this?"
CBT does not has answer for this real life situation - because CBT is form of lobotomy. Its own goal is to make us self blame ourselves all the time, to keep us passive and frozen - while external reality is not important to CBT.
This is because CBT is actually targeting criminally insane - like serial murders - who ironically will never watch this videos due to their abnormal grandiose mind. Yet due to 0,00001% of chance that some abnormal criminally insane predator will expose himself to CBT (like in movie Clockwork orange) - we are all collateral damage to CBT. We are not important to CBT.
All these information and data about labeling our emotions as abnormal and shameful - are not directed to us.
We are willingly exposing ourselves to CBT messages due to desire to heal trauma - which in reality are not intended for us at all.

Inability to focus on talking with music is a sign of neurodivergent mind - ADHD and Autism, but CBT keeps many secrets away from us, so that we stay stuck with pharma mafia and misdiagnosis - and hence paying coaches and therapy parasites all our lives.

While CBT orders us to make focus on our reactions to predators - narcissistic PD predator walks away free from his crime scene.

When we are confused - we are much easier to control and manipulate and we become slave to scammers who suck money away from us - to explain us what is real.

1. When we are traumatized, our amygdala is hijacked and our Cortex brain is offline- this means we won't be able to process data or become aware of what is true.
2. Nope. Our emotions go haywire due to toxic people - and those broken relationships need fixing - not our brain,, our reactions to predators

CBT can't answer these questions because DSM dismisses all emotions - because emotions are not measurable.
There is no instrument that can test the authenticity of emotions nor intensity not even the correct label for emotion - this is all fuzzy to any science. This way CBT is forcing us to become a machine and that we suppress our emotions.
100 years ago, thanks to Freud, it was discovered that suppressing emotions leads to severe mental illness, also discovered 25 years earlier by Charcot. This information is being banned after 1960s, when CBT was invented as a tool of mass lobotomy - of any person seeking honest and authentic answers for injustice and broken relationships both personal romance and business friendship like.

"Facts cannot care about feelings, because they mean nothing subjective. Feelings are ALL subjective.

Fact - the train is running 10 mins late.

Feelings for passenger 1 - damn! I'm gonna be late for work! ("bad" fact)

Feelings for passenger 2 - yay! I'm running late but I haven't missed the train ("good" fact)."

Yet this leads to plethora of new problems.

"Facts don't care about feelings."
What are the facts?
Who is the ultimate patronizing person who tells us what are correct facts?
Is it North Korean regime? Is it Moscow? Who claims the rights to these so called facts?
If we follow certain facts - who can be certain that in the future these facts become lies and counter-facts?
If we follow others, herd mentality and group think - we will fail Milgram Experiment and we will hurt other people just because someone in authority tells us to do that.

"People see us as weak if we display emotions."
But why other people's opinion would be our own GPS?
Why we would let other people's opinion let us control us and hover above our choices and decisions?
CBT has no answer to this - and this is how we end up with self blame and herd mentality, and codependent.
CBT will make us mentally ill.

CBT has no answer for Double Binding and Dualism.
CBT hides away these facts of life - that any person can interpret the fact as truth - and hence we end up controlled by them because we are not trusting our own common sense.
CBT ought to be banned - it is doing incredible psychological damage to any person who was traumatized by narcs who twist truths.

CBT does not want help anyone. CBT is about business and money making and following right-wing mafia to make us into obedient sheep who distrust own emotions and then follow herd mentality like a sheep.

Nope, you got it completely wrong.
CBT is telling us that our dysregulation is cognitive distortion and hence our personality. Now we become our symptoms because CBT tells us that we are our own symptoms.

On the other hand -
when we listen to Dr Snipes - we no longer are pathologizing our emotions nor experiences and we give them validity and we listen to them - we do not make them into our persona - we see them as reactions to toxic people and pathological liars.

"Some people i know dont want to be healed.
"

Why are you concerned about other people and their lives? Live your own life, their life is their business. You have no idea what they are going through and what they went through.

YT "Emotional Dysregulation is a Symptom, Not a Flaw
"

This is true. We are being told by CBT and DSM that we are our own symptoms.
Now we will start to build false fake persona on DSM symptoms.
If we are socially anxious - the next time we encounter rude person, we will remember DSM definition of social anxiety as being afraid of criticism. And now our actions and decisions will be based on this false half information from DSM.
So we will never actually follow our gut feelings and common sense - and perhaps protest and express our own criticism- BEcause now we are stuck with false DSM personality which orders us how to react in daily life situations.
CBT ought to be banned - it is doing incredible psychological damage to traumatized targets of predators.

YT "The ability to heal yourself with IFS
"

IFS Model helps with social anxiety, complex trauma, quiet BPD and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
I would also add Sam Vaknin Nothingness videos playlist - it adds additional information complementary to IFS - that IFS did not explore much:
idea to neutralize our trauma by creating separation between other people and IFS Model of trusting our own gut.

YT "Case 28 Evidence: Cognitive Distortions
"

Cognitive disortions is invented tools by American health industry controlled by oligarch - where intention is that we become sheep and zombie who is obedient and whenever there is mobbing situation - that we make ourselves shut up - lobotomized.
This is weaponizing psychiatry to use it as a weapon of mass silencing. Similar to Clockwork Orange.
In reality - all people have "cognitive distortions". Our brain is not machine - it is prone to quick prejudgments due to making quick decisions due to daily pressure.
In reality - "cognitive distortions" are nothing else but Bias, Logical Fallacies and Dysfunctional Coping mechanisms.

Just look at your video - how CBT is creating self doubt and self blame.
We end up - we are faulty, we are problem. We , our brain is abnormal.
This is simply not true. In reality - whenever we have mental health issues -it is due to broken relationships and toxic people on the other side who are intrusive and aggressive.

If we are not serial killers, if we are not anti-social - there is absolutely nothing wrong or distorted in our brain. There is nothing to fix in our emotions or thinking or believing.
We learn, we improve, we make better decisions in life when we are not anti-social: when we are open to life and learning from our mistakes.
This CBT idea that we blame ourselves and make ourselves small - this message is not intended for us. CBT was invented as short term lobotomy tool to calm down the severe criminally insane psychopathic killers in asylums and those who survived suicidal attempts - in order to calm them down enough to take pills. That is what CBT was invented and intended for.

CBT used on neurotic people, traumatized people is like giving horse or elephant medicine to humans - it is not intended for us.

YT "Cognitive distortions and how negative thought patterns impact your life
"

Load of CBT rubbish.
Cognitive distortions are nothing else but Logical fallacies and biases which we all have.
This right-wing fascist idea that we weaponize anything that moves leads to toxic shame - and that is intention of oligarchs in media that brainwash us with this CBT crap.
So the next time when we experience mobbing at toxic job - instead of suing the HR and boss for mobbing - we are supposed to be silenced and that we self blame our brain for being "abnormal".

YT "Identify Your Shadow: 14 Shadow Types
"

Integrate it.
This is tricky to explain.
I finally understood what this means after watching Duckman cartoons made in 1994/1995.
The lead character is a duck detective, who's voice is George Constanza actor from Seinfeld.
In this series - the duck is obnoxious character, filled with flaws and annoying behavior and observations and opinions and he is irritating character. In one episode there is a spoof of Friends - where friends character first embrace him because they are "friendly" - and later on - once they learn that he is obnoxious and anti-social - they reject him.

That duckman - we all have these factes inside ourselves. But we reject them. We hide them. We put them behind a mask - so other people do not see those traits and opinions and observations. That is our shadow.

Problem is that this shadow depends on culture and trauma.
So for example - socially anxious person may come up with conclusions that any kind of fact talking and being objective is ugly and abnormal like Duckman - and therefore, any kind of protest is suppressed and pushed down- And this inability to protest keeps social anxiety alive - because we place protest part of persona into a cellar locked away from our awareness.
Then we end up being people pleaser and we fawn - and this adds to more another new layer of social anxiety.

While in reality - those shadow parts which we quickly label as abnormal and sick - are actually healthy and should be part of our persona, alive and kicking.

In trauma - we quickly label some healthy parts as abnormal - and this creates plethora of mental health issues. Due to our hyper-cognition. To make it complex - we attract and never break up with toxic people - who are also label our parts of our persona as abnormal and then we become codependent.
Integrating shadow - would be that we allow ourselves to block annoying people. Not our urge to block annoying people. Shadow is this urge to be goody goody and Negative Politeness - because we try hard to push down what we believe is anti-social, idea that we make other people uncomfortable is labeled as abnormal and sick.

Integrating Shadow would be re-examining our labels and hates and dislikes and see them from adult, objective light, based on facts - and not on our beliefs based on trauma and by product of operant conditioning during ACoA and ACE.

First and foremost we need to help ourselves. We cannot pour from an empty cup.
Working on our shadow is not because we will become automated machine that serves other people -
other people are full grown adults. If they refuse to get healthy - that is their choice and it is not our grandiosity or desire to help others - will never change other people. We cannot control other people - that is criminal act: coercive control. Idea that we manipulate others is still manipulation , no matter how good our intentions are behind it. Good intentions are always pathway to hell.

Labels quickly become self - fulfilling prophecies.
When socially anxious person encounters scary social situation - instead of listening to own gut - he will listen to DSM description of avoidant PD and then make decisions in life and as reaction to such situation - as based on DSM. This way we start to build fake persona on diagnosis, fully making our daily decisions on someone's description and not on our whim or our intellect or our instinct.

CBT does not explain this.
Instead CBT instructs us to distrust our own gut, that we pathologize our emotions and that we depend on someone in authority to explain us what is reality.
This way - we are obedient sheep that is codependent and servile to corporations and mafia in power like CBT.

"Some people i know dont want to be healed."

""their unhealing impacts others around them "

You are totally correct, they spoil others like rotten apple.
And now we have a great problem - which CBT does not explain to us at all.
We are expected to do Exposure and somehow all dysregulation and confusion will magically clear up. It won't.

Problem is with narcissism and predators.
If we can cut them out of our lives - great - that is amazing step. However in real life - we cannot cut off toxic people - due to finances or living in toxic ambient where we are surrounded by toxic people.

So we might think - natural defense is to build walls and have boundaries.
Problem with this approach is - that we become hypervigilant and we end up with intrusive worry and mental illness.

Whatever we do as reaction to toxic people is toxic and will harm us psychologically and physically as physical illness: auto immune diseases, allergies, cancer, myeloma etc.
When we put up boundaries and when we worry about toxic people - we let them to control us and our emotions and our sense of Self. It is like we allowed Trojan Horse to enter into private sphere inside us, living rent free in our heads.

I see solution in Sam Vaknin videos about Nothingness.
He explains the solution to this entrapment by toxic people - by becoming nothing,
Insteaad of wasting our money and energy into boundaries - we become nothing to toxic people,, and now they cannot hurt us.
This is counterintuitive and complex, it is easy to misunderstand this Gandhian concept as being passive and easy to abuse and take advantage of.
In reality - when we develop natural reaction to think ourselves as nothing to toxic person - they no longer linger in our minds and whatever they do will not harm us deeply as it is now.

YT "Change Your Inner Dialog, Narrative Plot"

14:27 "The minute you're happy – you become inert. "
I noticed that trauma do this same thing. Trauma makes us immobile, inert, passive, frozen - when we are in any scary anxious difficult situation, if we are mentally healthy and mentally balanced - we will freeze. We won't attack others.

YT "Change Your Inner Dialog, Narrative Plot
"

1:02:04
"You restore inner peace by the very fact that there is an explanation to that which until now monstrously taunted and haunted you. That you are not plaything of viscious gods, that there is a culprit, a chain of events, a causal chain of being from A to B. It focuses defusing negative emotions like anger. Your belief in the existence of order and justice and the administration in order is restored. It is important for humans to believe in justice: plot"
When I talk about this in social anxiety topics, especially by CBT therapists - I get reply that I am victim, that I am accusing parents and blaming them without having my own responsibility.
Some people interpret this inner plot explanation as blaming others, when we are aware of why bad things happened to us.
CBT wants us to self blame, CBT wants to install the universal self blame plot in anyone seeking help and explanation about social anxiety.

Self-help industry is toxic - it installs the rigid mindset where toxic people do not exist and we are forced to blame ourselves when we are attacked. And the solution is to buy endless books - since this explanation does not work in real life. We are not abusing ourselves. We are not hallucinating the abuse.

CPTSD is banned by DSM so I have no idea what treating you are talking about.

CBT is based on denial, suppression and dissociation - that is not treatment. That is dysfunctional coping mechanism.

I'll re-phrase my comment and make it extremely short partial comments, perhaps that will work.
1) I agree with you. Toxic people do create damage to us. CBT denies this. CBT tells us that we can be resilient with our thoughts which is lie (ABC Method)
2) Now we have problem - on one hand we are damaged and attacked by toxic people.
And on another hand - if we engage in any kind of response to intrusive people - they will damage our quality of life and mental health.
3) Mostly due to finances we cannot cut out all toxic people - which would be ideal thing to do - to block all toxic people. We are forced to face them and be around them. Toxic family members, neighbors, living in shame culture country where everybody is intrusive, toxic jobs, good job but bad customers and bosses or colleagues - that we cannot choose
4) If we put boundaries - this will exhaust us with time. It will effect our nervous system and physical health. Exposure to narc a - b -u s. e over long period of time injures our brain this is scientifically proven.
On the other hand, if we are passive, if we shut up, if we never stand up for ourselves , we will develop severe toxic shame and trauma bond with predators, we will become codependent and destroy our self esteem and our self worth
5) Then the only solution that I discovered until now is
S
a
m

V
A
k
n
i
n

idea of Nothingness.
IT is the idea - that in the moment of interacting with difficult people that we see ourselves as Gandhi did - passive resistance. We see ourselves as nothing.
Then toxic people cannot harm us no longer - and our brain will naturally shift focus onto ourselves and our common sense. We will calm down, cortex brain will come back online - AND THEN we can be able to act from adult Self - which may include being concerned about toxic people, block them, mute them, not respond - it depends on situation.

---

(15.2.2024)

Covert narcissists have compulsion to be intrusive and they use empathy as a tool and method and weapon to establish dominance. This is how pontification and patronizing is born - where the person in need is ashamed for having needs and feels incompetent when narcs ashame them in covert ways for being vulnerable.
This commonly happens in social anxiety videos with various self help coaches - forcing socially anxious to feel ashamed for feeling fear and so called negative emotions and then instructs them to suppress emotions - establishing dominance over the afflicted person who seeks genuine help.

It is very hard message: that being ACoA survivor - we were infected with narcissism. It is virus inside us that creates the damage and we cannot heal it - because we do not have NPD - we are entrained to think like narcissist - it is like foreign enemy army that occupied our mind, so we have civil war and inner traitors and inner resistance, similar to occupied France in WW2. And in the same way as France was liberated - it is up to foreign help like USA and UK to help us get rid of enemy - and that our capital is ran by free government, not operant conditioning that came along in childhood when we had no idea how to handle occupation but through worry and rumination and self blame.

Therapy doesn't help - it adds more hysteria on top of the present one. Prof Sam Vaknin for the first time described it from objective stance. I have never ever heard of this term:
tendency for personal victimhood
It even has acronym. TIV.
We are not being told about this at all - cognitive behavioral therapy is ignoring all the narc a-b-u-s-e and anyone seeking authentic real help ends up feeling lobotomized and forced into developing fawning and people pleasing narrative. It ends up as mental illness, it does not help. Sam Vaknin's explanation helps a lot.
I bet 99 percent of therapist never heard of TIV.

YT "Narcissists, Eternal Victims, Trauma, Psychosis: Splitting the Inner Dialog"

"When you consider internal objects to be external – you are psychotic."
What happens when external objects are scary as they appear internally? When the ambient is toxic.
And we cannot escape it - but we are forced to live inside it, without means of escape - and people are intrusive, and aggressive and scammers and narcissistic and psychopathic. When we are flooded with criminally insane people - in power , who perpetrate real crime against us such as coercive control. And I repeat - when we cannot leave this ambient.
What are we suppose to do in such impossible situation?

What I understand from psychology - is that in this lifetime we will be attacked and assaulted - yet we always must take the high road and act from calm mind - which is peace and never getting even and following our own path even though psychopaths might cut off our limbs in the process of our voyage to bliss fantasy future filled with self worth and self esteem.

While in the same time all other people are allowed to be crazy and greedy and they are free to take advantage of us - and nobody will force them into therapy - and our job is to shift focus when they burn down our house, and we need to have endless forgiveness and regard hooligans and criminals as pathetic small children of our own who are allowed to do anything they wish.

That is what mental health is to psychology - primarily to cognitive behavioral therapy.

You forget external elements.
What happens when there is poverty - no money? IS the solution to become beggar in the street? A homeless person being beaten up by hooligans in the street? Is this solution?
What happens when someone lives in poor and corrupt country like ex Yugoslavia - where there is Shame Culture and other people hurt and harm you for fun and for their self esteem, all the time. Where you experience both verbal and physical a-b-u-s-e since childhood? Where perpetrators are completely abolished from any accountability and are free to harm others - due to protection of nepotism system and corruption? Where Where there is no trust and no connection with others - but only through blame, hysteria, screaming and yelling is only way of communication - and there is no money to escape such toxic country. Will such person live on prayer? Isn't then suicide the only way out?
Or if there is some sort of illness which is easily preventable and curable in normal healthy countries in the West. But we are stuck in the Balkan state - where hospitals are ran by criminals and there is no cure in such toxic country - and you are getting sicker and cancer pops up. Will prayer help then?

YT "Narcissists, Eternal Victims, Trauma, Psychosis: Splitting the Inner Dialog"

"Traumatized people tend to become more narcissistic. They lose their empathy which is narcissistic and psychopathic trait. External object initiate direct communication with object inside us, with an internal object. And this triggers us. Revivedness-flashback. We lose touch with reality. You're there again, it's psychothic reaction. We experience it as if it is happening outside."

1) what happens when we live around many many people who are doing this throwing inner object concept onto us - and we are at the receiving end? I am talking about people whom we are forced to be in contact with - such as school, doctor, clerks, job- customers. And we cannot run away. What then? When we are forced to live in such toxic ambient filled with people who are hysterical? How to stay sane and un-effected in ambient where crazy people are violent to us because they fight imaginary trauma of their own without seeking any therapy about it to heal?

2) what happens when the trigger that we feel is really real? When there is an actual assault? How to react in healthy way - without being in psychosis state of panic and anxiety and social anxiety as reaction to toxic people?

Obviously communicating with person who is imagining threat and see us as a threat is useless since they won't listen to us, they live in fantasy.
If we are forced to communicate with them - how? How is this even possible? And we are not allowed to escape - due to fact that they have some resource that we need - like shopping something, needing paper from crazy clerk, recipe from doctor who is abnormal - and we do not have alternative to find someone else? What then?
How to keep sane in such ambient where people are anti-social?

Okay - Nothingness is the way out. Solution to this types of real life entrapment inside toxic ambient. I understand that.
I do not understand how to heal trauma here. If trauma is organizing framework - then it means changing framework.
And that is Self, building Persona - which is based on our inner GPS and common sense. And of course - planning the escape and relocation to better ambient in the future.

You can check out IFS Model online - on you tube channels for free, without buying the book.

Regarding physical injury, DSM states that social anxiety (AvPD is extreme form of social anxiety) is not social anxiety issue if there is physical injury.

"H. The fear, anxiety, or avoidance is not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or another medical condition."

I wasted 20 years of self-help and cognitive behavioral therapy. What I am talking in my comments is not empty words or something that I easily write - each sentence that I write in my comments is backed up with decades of experience.

Avoidance is fear of criticism.
There is fear that someone will be rude to us. That they will mock us or attack us in some way or another. It is also fear of expressing our own criticism too.
We were exposed to narcissistic people in the past and they infected us with fears and anxiety - we distrust others and fear them.

I would suggest that you check out Sam Vaknin videos, too - about Nothingness - he has a playlist.
It appears that this fear of criticism is associated to narcissism as well.

(16.2.2024)

YT "Your Adulthood Shaped by Your Childhood
"

And then this child without education in psychology - in adolescence starts to seek help - and then self help industry and CBT - informs that person how their feelings are hallucination and that toxic people do not exist - and what they are feeling is a mere shyness, a social anxiety issue - cured with exposure to narcissists and psychopaths even more, where self esteem is supposedly built up with exposure to toxic people.

YT "Stupidity, Weakness: Narcissistic Extinction Events
"

I discovered that analysis paralysis / hyper-reflection, over-consciousness happens when we are being mislead. When we lack the clues to what is the true problem and when we are in wrong alley. Then this leads to hyper-cognition: mislabeling and misdiagnosis and placing quick labels on anything that moves.

YT "Real Life Story (Locked Inside Syndrome): State of Psychology as Non-Science (EXCERPT)
"

Similar to the movie
Johnny Got His Gun (1971) - they won't listen. They won't hear me
Don't give me dope. Don't put me under again. I'm trying to talk to you. God, please let them hear me. All I'm asking for is for you to take one little idea that's in my mind and put it into their minds. But they won't listen. They won't hear me. All they do is give me dope. And I go down and down.
🎞 Johnny Got His Gun (1971)

And this is connected to CBT and social anxiety.
CBT will quickly shut up socially anxious person and fill in the information that social anxiety is a mere shyness that is cured with exposure and being assertive.
Without actually listening to the person. Because once the socially anxious person starts to talk - CBT interprets this as victim mentality.
And this censorship blocks the information and data out in the open. Socially anxious person will not speak up due to social anxiety - and he will not impose his problems and symptoms out in the open. And then - trauma stays hidden - and trauma is communicated only through the spasms, similar to this movie from 1971.

In the movie itself - the doctors at first refused to believe that spasms were a form of communication. They intended to treat it with medication - the same way as CBT is treating social anxiety - to lobotomize the panic and spasm anxieties - without actually listening to what it wants to say - and it is always ACE and ACoA behind it.

We do this in daily communication too.
We find emotions tiring, We find trauma tiring, problems. So we cut communication off in order to preserve our quality of life. And we also cut off plethora of information.
Then we end up being codependent and stuck in toxic relationships - since instead of feeling the pain and hurt - we rationalize and normalize toxic people's behavior for the sake of not rocking the boat.
We do not speak the same language as other people - and we stay with superficial language - where there is no deep understanding between people - and then this ends up as drama, hysteria and disgust and disappointment later on - when we find out who is the other person - after we made connections and invested time in them and our lives. And all because of inability to speak in the same language as the other person.
This happens in our inner world too.
CBT and self help will tell us that analysis will lead to paralysis - so we need to suppress our emotions and deny them, cover them up and pretend that unhappiness does not exist - for the sake of mental health and being happy and sane and normal and balanced.
Then if something is off - like living with pathological liar in external world or unresolved trauma from childhood in our inner world that comes up as toxic shame internally - this becomes dysfunctional with time - and grows into bigger problem than it would be if we only reacted immediately when it started, when we decided to suppress it, as CBT is ordering us to do.

Johnny Got His Gun (1971) is anti-war movie about soldier in WW1 who lost all his limbs and face in battle - and doctors believe that he cannot communicate with others. With time - he remembers Morse Code and that he actually can give / provide messages with doctors through creating spasms with his own body in form of Morse Code.
However doctors have in their proto DSM manual - instruction - to treat any spasms of wounded soldiers as a mental illness that must be silenced immediately with medications. So they have no idea that spasms are communication method - they pathologize it because medical industry is pathologizing anything that moves.
This movie was featured in the famous MTV video by Metallica in early 1990s.

Internet-stoicism is perverted Ancient stoicism.
Internet-stoicism is more a form of suppression and denial of emotions, pretending to be macho for the sake of appearing as alpha male in order to impress females and to play act a str8 macho to his buddies.

I see more Cube as allegory of life - where circumstances always change. When we find solution to something - everything changes and we are on a new level with new problems to solve with new rules where previous knowledge and experience is not useful, cannot be re-used. We need to adapt to the new settings in various segments of our life - again and over again.

(17.2.2024)

YT "Stop Your Victim Mentality and Accept the Nothingness of Life (with Sam Vaknin)
"

1:19:11 "Psychiatrists and psychologists treat conditions. No longer treat patients. They guy who gave you a pill – gave the pill not to you, but your depression, was treating not you but your depression. "
And this is the most damaging with social anxiety.
Socially anxious come to get help about the Self - and DSM and CBT offer them nothing but diagnosis and treatment of symptoms. Which socially anxious confuse with Self.
And then socially anxious person starts to build false Self - based on diagnosis.
CBT and DSM ought to be banned - they are doing incredible psychological damage to targets of psychopaths who end up with panic symptoms , pathologized as social anxiety by DSM.

(19.2.2024)

Nope.
Social anxiety is perceived as a mere shyness.
CBT tells us that we lack social skills, as if we are cave men who never grew up in kindergarten and school.
Social anxiety is explained away as fear of people - but in reality it is also fear of expressing our dislike and our own rejection too.
This data is kept away from our awareness - and then we build fake persona of fake explanations, keeping us trapped in panic and fears and avoidance.

It is helpful. You need to test this next time social anxiety occurs.
Right now, there is no amygdala hijacking, when you watch this video, we are in calm space, there is no threat - so it looks as this doesn't help.
However - in real world, in real life, when other person triggers our social anxiety - instead of following herd mentality explanation that social anxiety is a mere shyness - we now have information that it is the other person who is toxic and specific, there is a specific unique reason why we feel uncomfortable around certain - not all - people. And that is their aggressiveness and hidden agenda. Due to ACE we have power to detect covert narcissists easily - and this comes up as "social anxiety".

The word is neuro-typical.
It means you use very small portion of your brain capacity so your radars are not picking up dangerous people.
Then people like you end up with Johnny Depp court case where his gf poops in his bed and tries to slander his career into ruins and get his money.

Ableism - autism is not sickness, it is neurodivergent, different way of processing information.
Today's rise in pathologizing people and making money on perceived danger - is the cause of this so called rise.
When people are afraid, it is easier to extort money from them and run them around like sheeple.

Ableism. We are surrounded by scammers and hoaxers who prey on vulnerable part of population, like Nazis did in Germany.

YT "Is this the best way to cure social anxiety? 🤔
"

Social anxiety is not shyness.
It is not about hunt for vagina.
Social anxiety is allegory and analogy of being stuck in exposure to toxic job all the time 24/7 with mobbing from boss, colleagues and customers without ability to quit this toxic job due to finances - being stuck in toxic ambient. That is social anxiety.
He mix up shyness with social anxiety trauma.

YT "Social Anxiety: No.1 BEST Way To Get Better At Speaking to People
"

As usual, you mix up shyness with social anxiety.
Social anxiety is not lack of social skills.
Social anxiety is allegory of being stuck in toxic job 24/7 with mobbing all the time from boss, customers and colleagues who nitpick your flaws and mistakes and not being service to them like pushover - so there is no issue of not giving a f*ck - because they attack your supposed mistakes and not being perfect. So you great people - social anxiety is not issue of greeting people. It is a matter of assault of psychopaths and narcissists.

Neurotypicals do not react to cruelty in the same manner as neurodivergent. She is also neurodivergent, too. All NPDs are neurodivergent as much as shy and socially anxious people are. And NPDs sense other neurodivergents, too. Narcissists aim is to hoover and make some people special and then discard them after 3, 4 years. You probably left well before this time. She would with time make contact as any narc and gaslight you into creating closer bond - narcs pretend to be victims in order to gain sympathy and trust - and then discard you when you start to trust them - and watch you in anguish when they do.

She was mentally ill. This is mental illness - psychopathy. Narcissism is borderline on schizofrenia. They live in fantasy world. Unfortunately - in neurotypical world Dunning Krueger Effect takes charge - and angry people appear as confident to most people and that makes them propel into managerial places - because most people confuse anger with competence. With grave results later on.

Inner civil war leads to more anxiety.
Jung; What you resist, persist.
There is a reason why there is inner monologue - it must be listened, not suppressed.

YT "How to Overcome Social Anxiety…
"

Whenever we face certain problem in life - such as social anxiety panic - the worst approach is to fight it and deny it. Suppressing won't solve anything - instead it will make problem to fester. Instead of resisting - try being curious and understanding, show compassion for your panic without attacking oneself, as we learned in ACE childhood. Panic in social situations do not come on its own. There is a See Saw effect - someone toxic is pushing us to feel uncomfortable. There are a lot of toxic people who hide behind masks and our social anxiety is ability to see their true face behind social mask that they hold in front, to hide their hidden agenda and their pathology.

Social anxiety is codependency, we depend on other people to feel good about ourselves and safe around people. That is due to trauma.
This pushover approach will work until we meet someone who is narcissistic and psychopathic - then our people pleasing will be turned against us and they will exploit us because we will be too afraid to say no and block them.

YT "5 QUICK WAYS ON HOW TO BEAT SOCIAL ANXIETY! #socialanxiety #socialanxietydisorder #mentalhealth
"

Any reaction to assault and anti-social toxic people who trigger our social anxiety will not help. Therapist base their knowledge on DSM and CBT which are highly detrimental and lead to mental illness.
Instead of blocking and suppressing and denying - we need to be curious and understand and have compassion for ourselves and our panic.
What you describe in this video is self rejection and self hatred and self attack - because you kick Jung's shadow back into hiding - and this leads to mental illness.
Our panic is our anger and our reaction to triggers and toxic people around us. Without it - they will exploit and take advantage of our empathy and kindness.

YT "Combat Social Anxiety With Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - Dr. Murray Stein #socialanxiety
"

CBT is ableist therapy. It does not explain what happens when we are punished for speaking up?
When we lose our jobs and we cannot find another one to finance our rent and food?
CBT is therapy only for the rich - who can easily buy off their problems.
It is based on patriarchy - white straight males born into privilege and entitlement in rich family who bought their college degrees and expertise from other privileged white straight buddies - and then pontificate others who were not so luck in their life to be born into wealth and privilege. It is easy to be Rescuer inside Karpman Drama Triangle.
Fear of expressing ourselves is no a bad habit. IT is Operant Conditioning and trauma. CBT ought to be banned - it is based on denial, suppression and dissociation - all dysfunctional defense mechanisms which lead to mental illness.

YT "How To Overcome Your Social Anxiety…
"

Social anxiety is being trapped in toxic job without ability to quit toxic job due to finances.
Social anxiety is not about harassing strangers in the street and hijacking their attention.
In the end -
You mix up shyness with social anxiety
-

Hoax. Scam.
People are mislead with false diagnosis and then hypnotized into building a wrong personality - around wrong explanations of social anxiety.

YT "The Push and Pull of Social Anxiety | Desire vs Distress
"

Avoidant PD is extreme social anxiety and by official definition it is based on desire to socialize and to be around other people but is unable due to ACE.
Please research more social anxiety, it is not black and white as people with borderline PD tend to see the world.

YT "Navigating Social Anxiety | Practical Strategies for Breaking the Cycle (Without Therapy)
"

People with social anxiety ALREADY do ponder a lot - hence anxiety. They try very hard to understand what is going on - that is how they end up with social anxiety in the first place.
CBT ought to be banned .- it is so narrow therapy, it does not see situational environment such as toxic people who are harming others. CBT blames the victims of narcissistic attack and totally ignores the Perpetrators inside Karpman Drama Triangle where the victim cannot opt out of drama due to lack of finances.

YT "You are not doing anything wrong! #social anxiety #anxiety #selfdevelopmenttips
"

"Rooted into belief that we are doing something wrong"
Correct!
In flood of misleading social anxiety videos , there is always some gem like this video.

Now go further.
Why?
Be curious?
Why would someone think that they are doing something wrong?
We are all egocentric by default. This means - that when we are doing something wrong we will notice only when we face bump on the head, when we get hurt by our actions - and then we learn on our mistakes.

In social anxiety- this pervasive feeling of doing something wrong stems from other people. Toxic people who are critical and who complain a lot. After all - it is called social+anxiety. Meaning element for the anxiety is rooted in the social factor. It is not called self anxiety. We are not afraid of our own thoughts - we are afraid of punishment and assault by other people who nitpick our faults and perceived faults.

When we learn about narcissism - we learn that there are plethora of toxic people who use toxic shame and blame in order to control and manipulate other people - to cause them pain and to make them into silent slave.

Therefore - social anxiety is result of narcissistic assault and narcissistic aggression - we are detecting toxic people who are hyper critical and anti-social but who hide behind social mask of having empathy and finding faults in others as some kind of savior type in side Karpman Drama Triangle.

YT "How to cope with social anxiety #justbe #betruetoyou #presentmoment #personalgrowth
"

I have similar idea to make comic book sketches about social anxiety to spread the message. Right now I use blogs and reddit forum.
You use guitar.

YT "The Hidden Cost of Safety Behaviors and Social Anxiety
"

This is also called Preparedness Paradox.
Without it - paradoxically our lives would be much more stressful because we would not be prepared for the pressure of real life and hostile intrusive people. They would hurt and harm us more easily - like un-bordered country with Russia.

Plus - in any type of job, no matter what we do in life - any job any action is based on worry how to make our job as much as without mistakes. Without this ability - we would get fired from the job and become homeless. So the system is constructed this way that we worry a lot - unless we are anti-social - we worry because we tend to avoid causing harm to others.

In social anxiety - when we have developed defense mechanisms, as described in this CBT presentation - it means that there is a See Saw Effect. Just like toxic job that cause us to burn ourselves with worry - in the same manner - any social person is hijacked by toxic people who push and cause them to worry and to develop these defense mechanisms.
The defense mechanisms are not the problem.
Problem are toxic people who push us into dysregulation and over-regulation. Hyper critical narcissists and borderline impulsive predators of all sorts.
Instead of CBT path of self blame and self pathology - we need to check out who is pushing us to worry around us, who is toxic - and how can we minimize and cut them off from our lives in order to have balance.

YT "How my INHIBITED voice, held me BACK! #socialanxiety #speakup #presentation #deepvoice #leadership
"

It is horrible to see an example of self blame and self pathologizing due to internalized toxic shame.
Nope. We are not cause of social anxiety. It is called social+anxiety because anxiety stems from the social factor: toxic people.
It is not our voice that is causing the problem - it is narcissists and predators who shut up other people and who bully and mock other people and manipulate and control others.

When we come up with self blaming idea that we don't have some specific skill - this is narcissism and it is by-product of toxic shame. This idea leads to mental illness.
Soon enough when we start to scapegoat parts of ourselves, this will spread like auto-immune disease.
Instead of looking at intrusive people who have social mask so nobody is aware that they are toxic predators, we end up hurting and harming and blaming ourselves for feeling panic around toxic people. That is social anxiety trauma - and we learned this self blame process in ACE and ACoA years while growing up - being exposed to mentally ill parent who was criticizing us all the time and blame us for any mistake.

Just imagine for a second - if some fault inside our body like voice is the cause of problems in life - how in earth do you expect to have natural confidence and trust in yourself? You will never be able to fully trust yourself.

What about people who lost limbs due to war and diseases - are they suppose to be inferior citizens because they do not meet ableist perfectionistic standards about super mensch idea of super human?

YT "How I found freedom from social anxiety
"

Social anxiety is normal. Without it we would become predators and narcissists because we would not have inner mechanisms to prevent us harming and causing serious hurt to other people. We need to worry about other people especially in romantic contact and family and friendship - without it we would be difficult annoying person who is intrusive and who disrespect other people's boundaries.

What you are talking about and what everybody talking about is social anxiety trauma. Big difference. It is Complex PTSD. Quiet BPD. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD).

We need to become curious why we have core belief that we truly believe that we are boring?
Where this belief stemmed from? We were not born with these beliefs. Someone conditioned into it, during childhood when our personality was being formed. These kind of toxic shame beliefs occur only in ACE and ACoA ambient.

Yes - our beliefs cause us to act - this is called personality, persona, our social mask, our modus operandi. It is like software running its course.

"I am saving other people from my boringness"
Stop right there.
Why?
Why would you do to other people? What other people?
Are you like this with family members who know you? Or to unknown people?
We are in our defense mode only when we feel threatened.
You never explored - other people.
Why would all people be good and nice and healthy?
There are other people in this world who are seriously mentally ill but they are Functional and they have their Social Mask and they appear healthy and sane. With our social anxiety we detect such scammers. Our social anxiety will be activated around fake people who are intrusive and who have agenda to exploit others.
Think about it -
toxic person would criticize you and accuse you of being boring.
Normal and healthy people do not do that - even when you are actually boring - they will cover up their annoyance in order not to hurt you. Because normal healthy sane people are socialized enough to never hurt other people.
Toxic anti social people do not have these inner mechanisms and they hurt other people in order to ashame them, to enjoy in their suffering and to control and manipulate them so that others behave and act in accordance to narcissists.
Boring is relative term.
There is no law book that tell us what is boring.
What some people find boring - others people find interesting.
Therefore - without realizing it - you are making other people into god and you apply and succomb to their definitions of what is boring.
That is social anxiety. To be afraid of other people's opinions and then serving them and pleasing them, being pushover.

It is not beliefs of being boring that are causing social anxiety.
It is toxic people - who are using coercive contorl in order to mess up with your beliefs.
After all it is called social + anxiety. Anxiety stems from the social element, social factor. It is not called self anxiety. Anxiety does not stem from our beliefs of being afraid of being boring. Toxic people trigger our anxiety. Not our thoughts.

Our thoughts simply react to toxic people.

Nope. - we do not make other people assume. People already have rigid, most people have rigid solid beliefs before they meet you. This is perceived as confidence - but in reality it is narcissistic disorder: this stubborn, rigid beliefs that they carry around before they ever see you - they already know who you are. Because narcissists carry snapshot of reality (Sam Vaknin discovered this). They are mentally ill.
Your social anxiety is simply detection mechanism of mentally ill people who trigger your panic - because your core brain can detect intrusive people before your logic can. We developed this ability - discovered by Charles Darwin - we adapt to life, our brain has developed high ability to easily detect danger and predators. That is our social anxiety- ability to detect predators. You are not the problem.
If you are not serial killer - there is absolutely nothing wrong with your brain.

"I had the best day of my life"
This is amazing however real life is not party.
In real life we need to face toxic jobs and actual toxic people. Whom we cannot escape due to finances.
-

People are not much talking back to you. Seems that your video did not help them with talking and chatting.
Your beliefs about social anxiety are extremely narrow and self pathologizing.
Social anxiety is social+anxiety. This means anxiety stems from toxic people - social factor, social element.
It is not called self anxiety.
I would suggest you to watch Sam Vaknin videos - and learn more about psychology than CBT.

Socially anxious people are already focused all the time -
they look at other people they are zoomed onto other people - they look at other people's gestures and tone of voice - for the fear of others will criticize and find errors in them.
By official definition - social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
So our fear is in other people - who are toxic and who trigger us into fears and worry.

YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety How Waiter Job Transformed My Life
"

He confused shyness with social anxiety.
Social anxiety is allegory of having toxic job with ongoing mobbing 24/7 from boos, colleagues and customers and not being able to quit this toxic job due to finances - that is social anxiety.
If he can express himself now - that is shyness. It was autism obviously. Social anxiety is by-product of ACE and ACoA - exposure to narc assault and criticism in our formative years - and this cannot be "cured" with a job. This trauma must be healed and our defense mechanisms must be explained - a job will not do that education at all.

Problem is with your video messages you are misleading really socially anxious people to develop wrong conclusions about social anxiety - as if it is something that is shameful and must hide and cure with gym. You are instructing people to develop toxic shame and narcissism and mental illlness.

"what I did to resolve my social anxiety"
The opposite of social anxiety is being anti-social.
This black and white thinking is called BPD Splitting and it is common in trauma. Social anxiety is not problem. Toxic people are. And this dude told you this - and you still do not listen, you don't understand it because you are good and you think all people are good and that there are no masked psychopaths who appear friendly, but are predators behind the mask and pathological liars.

"I never got help."
Sounds more like Tendency to perceive (interpersonal) victimhood - TIV.
You depend and co-depend on other people to save you, to affirm you and to witness your grandiosity. To people tell you thar you are ok, because you are unable to believe in this yourself.
We develop this magical thinking in ACoA and ACE - which are the cause of social anxiety.

YT "Being Free Matters :: Battling the fear of judgment. #SocialAnxiety #BeingFreeMatters
"

The solution is not to go into another polar extreme: becoming psychopaths devoid of feedback.
this tendency to think in black and white thinking is called BPD Splitting and it is common in trauma which is social anxiety PTSD.

YT "Anxiety 101 pep talk"

Horrible self blame and self torture example. The opposite of IFS Model.
We cannot discipline our trauma. It will have reverse effect. Please stop with self flagellation. It leads to mental illness.

YT "Taking action to resolve your social anxiety #socialanxiety #motivation
"

Exposure does not help with social anxiety.
When "We do that thing" we end up with toxic shame, self blame and people pleasing and fawning self defeating actions - due to ACE and ACoA conditioning in childhood.

You mix up shyness with social anxiety.
Social anxiety is not issue of talking.
Social anxiety is being stuck in toxic job where there is mobbing 24/7 from boss and colleagues and customers, so talking is there all the time, it is directed against our safety. And not being able to quit this toxic job due to finances - so we are forced to endure assault and aggression from mentally ill people - that is social anxiety.

YT "Got SOCIAL ANXIETY?…… Let’s fix that
"

Idea that we need to fix something that is not broken is mental illness and causes harm.

Social anxiety is not fear of social situations - socially anxious do not feel fear in familiar settings. Social anxiety is fear of criticism and ridicule - please learn more about some topic - because you are spreading false fake information to masses. Children are especially vulnerable because they do not have developed critical thinking to doubt any information on internet.
When naive people listen to your description of social anxiety - now they will develop totally new personality based on panic of anything social - not because they have disorder - but you are brainwashing people into developing disorder based on your pathological lies.

Challenging negative thoughts leads to OCD and more anxiety. Once again you are instructing people to develop mental illness.

YT "Changing the narrative in your mind #socialanxiety #confidencetips
"

When we pick civil war inside our head - this will end as mental illness, borderline disorder.
What we resist, persist.

YT "Become confident with this challenge #confidence #selfimprovement #socialanxiety #fearofrejection
"

Confidence is not something that we buy.
COnfidence is paradox.
The more we try to be something that we are not truly - we will never feel confident.
Yet
If we accept ourselves as we are - paradoxically we will become confident.

Idea to fawn to other people is called people pleasing and being pushover. When we depend on other people to feel confident about ourselves, this is mental illness called Borderline disorder and narcissism.
And we will end up attracting toxic predators who see that our confidence depends on complimenting other people.

YT "The Reason You Have SOCIAL ANXIETY & How to Overcome IT!
"

Nope. unfortunately we live on toxic planet filled with mentally ill criminally insane narcissists. There are predators who think a lot about their targets which they will attack and exploit.
If you are not aware of parasites, they will suck the sap off you without you being aware that you have plethora of parasites exploiting you and manipulating you with deception and pathological lying.

You mix up fear with trauma. Trauma is not the same as fear but is appears as a mere fear on the surface.
Idea that we deny and suppress our emotions and be ashamed of them because they are sissy and feminine leads to mental illness: narcissism.

Think about third world countries like your native country. It is filled with crime and mafia and violence - people live there without comfort zone for 100 years - and nothing happens. People do not become wealthy as Sweden for living in poor undeveloped uncomfortable country.
So your logic about stepping outside comfort zone is false and misleading.

I do not understand how to embrace chaos - when you have money and live in safe city - it is easy to pontificate others to embrace the pressure with your money in your pocket.

Did you make this video to pontificate others and treat them as babies so that your self esteem feels high because you are Rescuer inside Karpman Drama Triangle?

YT "Conquering Social Anxiety: Approaching Strangers Fearlessly #podcast #agenttips #business
"

Nonsense.
Social anxiety can be Functional and Masked -
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety but his was functional - he made videos and performed in front of billions of people without problems - yet his unresolved masked trauma ended in tragedy for him. Same story for Prince and Whitney Houston.
Please stop this narcissistic assault of making money on people's trauma - you are causing serious psychological damage to truly socially anxious - by forcing them to mask their trauma.

Sounds to me like you suppressed and denied a lot of neurodivergent parts and you silenced them into silence and obedience.
This leads to mental illness - because you created similar system as Russia and North Korea - where you allow certain rigid rules to exist, and anything new or strange is exiled like Novotny and poisoned in Siberian Camp.
Without all our parts, without our Jung Shadow - we will never be complete.
All parts desire our attention and understanding and we need to listen to them, instead of disciplining ourselves into trained circus dog who performs tricks.

See IFS Model and learn more from Sam Vaknin. You are on totally wrong path here and it will back fire in real life, when your castles in the clouds fall and crumble down when clashed wih reality.

Nope. Your borderline disorder stops you from listening and learning about victimhood syndrome. It is not about denial of our pain. Nor it is about invalidation. It is about not realizing that we have Adult Self inside us which is capable of making our own decisions.

here comes the victimhood. me me me. I I I
You are unable to listen without feeling offended - and you think I am obsessed with you, that I am diagnosing you as if I know you personally. that is professional victimhood. You think you are victim, but you are very rude and aggressive - and that is not victim at all.

I went through the same process also. When I heard of this victimhood syndrome I was also mad and angry. But - if you think about it more, it will help us to crystalize the disorder and that we make better decisions in life and to be humble, too.

For starters, we will detect toxic people much more easily. We will detect toxic beliefs inside ourselves and stop focusing on them. And we will see that people who hurt us and who have caused us pain - that they are having this victimhood syndrome - they infected us with it. And now we have the torch and fire - to give this disorder back to them - by telling them that they are victims.
We are not victims really - we were assaulted by toxic people. Whenever someone experiences a - b - u - s - e
we get infected with narcissism - which is totally outside of our control. We start to think like toxic people without being aware of it.
This victimhood syndrome helps us to detect these foreign alien beliefs that we adopted in ACE and AcoA and mobbing situations, from bullies.

Any ritual as response to anxiety leads to OCD.
Anxiety is message system - it tells us something, it has encrypted message: usually that person who is triggering us is toxic and we must cut contact and isolate - which social anxiety does on its own.
Similar to infection in our body - the body will generate heat to squash any pathogen alien cells that are attacking our body. Social anxiety is the same - it is heat reaction to foreign alien intrusive body; many toxic people wear social mask and they pretend to be nice, like Trojan Horse - so that we invite them in.

That is how we end up with OCD in anxiety. Instead of listening to our anxiety - it transforms into act of cleaning and rituals, doing something, tapping - as a way to ward off toxic intrusive aggressive body that is threatening our safety. Instead of listening to our anxiety and cutting off toxic people and quitting toxic job - we end up with tapping OCD rituals to keep ourselves clean and stuck in limbo of attempting to make ourselves clean, with tapping.
And in the same time we never actually do anything about the true cause of social anxiety; toxic person who is triggering us into fears.

It (TIV) will free up the resources in our brain which otherwise is spent on rumination and grudge and unresolved unprocessed anger.

Accept it.
Embrace yourself as you are - totally and unconditionally. Stop trying to figure it out and stop self flagellating yourself for not being social king.
Paradox is - once you unconditionally and totally validated and embraced yourself as you are - you will free up the trauma anger emotions - and you will naturally become less anxious around people.

YT "Be nice to your anxiety #anxiety
"

Anxiety is message system.
IT tries to tell us that we are in some kind of uncertain danger.
In social anxiety aspect - it means that we do not trust ourselves, that we do not have Self persona personality inside us.
What we have is external referencing locus of control, where we depend on other people to feel safe in this world and then end up with social anxiety - because our happiness depends on approval of other people - without us being aware of it at all.

A lot. Social phobia is perceived victimhood syndrome.
If you go to therapy or read any self help book about social anxiety - you will be met with this message from TIV - and that is why CBT and self help book do not help. They do not explain that social anxiety is TIV.
Also - social phobia is archaic term.
It was replaced in mid 1990s when CBT "experts" discovered that it is not phobia - ie it does not go away with a mere exposure as any phobia does.

" okay sure.. whatever you say."
That is TIV talking.
When we reject feedback - we stay stuck with our same beliefs and trauma.
Social anxiety is inability to hear criticism. See official definition of social anxiety by DSM and CBT. IT is fear of criticism.

Social phobia is suppressed canned anger. We were assaulted, we experienced trauma, bullying. This makes us very dangerous - due to reactivity. We stay stuck in certain trauma mode and this is unhealthy. It can help to learn about TIV - so that we separate anger from the grief. Now they are fused together.

CBT is ableist therapy - it is based on self blame and perfectionism : that we are not allowed to feel negative emotions or our personality is abnormal. CBT leads to mental illness because it is based on denial, suppression and dissociation.

Criticism is large concept - it is not a mere critique. Criticism also entails rejection and aggression, someone being unfair and intrusive. All that is "criticism" and fear of criticism and negative evaluation/scrutiny as DSM calls it.

"I also have a fear of seeing someone who's hurt me when I was young"
When we are hurt by someone - without our awareness, we become stuck in victimhood. We become dangerous - because we carry unresolved, unprocessed emotions which are volatile, painful, suppressed - and this is will come out as either physical illness like myeloma, allergy or skin rash cancer auto immune diseases - or we will become aggressive to ourselves or others.
Being exposed to predators - make us be in permanent alarm defensive mode - and then it is like holding a weapon that can fire at any minute - and usually innocent people get hurt - because we attack them with our preparedness to defend ourselves. That is TIV.
TIV is not about denial of our pain and hurt and anger.
TIV is about reaction to unfair pain that we experiences that turns around against ourselves.

YT "Unlock the Power of Social Interactions Saying Hello to Strangers
"

Unfortunately in real world - there are a lot of toxic people out there, without empathy and who are genetically evil.
Most people are not like you - they are not kind and nice and open and friendly and sane and authentic.
When you think that all people deserve to be said hello and be bothered by what they think - this will end up as people pleasing and fawning - and pathological liars are successful in exploiting this friendliness. They usually present themselves as victims and you help them and they entrap you like spider does to a fly.

Narcissism is also being attentive. There is covert narcissism.
Desire to present ourselves as someone else in order to cover up our real face.

Part of narcissism is when we hate ourselves and when we want to improve ourselves in order to impress others and gain their admiration.

"people are significantly different now compared to 1990"

That is true - but social anxiety - it is mental health issue. This is permanent, it does not change through the ages..
Dostoyevsky described social anxiety in 19th century.

" every person is unique, with different triggers and traumas they encounter in life?"

Again,
this is true - but the mechanisms of trauma and our psyche are the same.

" I've learned how to navigate my trauma "
That is great - but you probably did not have full social anxiety. You were shy.
People with true social anxiety experienced ACE and ACoA - and this is permanent trauma. it cannot vanish with a job or logic. IT is permanent wound ingrained in the brain - and people with it need to go through detail education about how trauma works - only to regulate 50% of panic. The rest of panic is permanent.
If you succeeded to remove 100% of your panic - this means you never had clinical social anxiety trauma at all.
That is good for you.
However the bad part is when you tell other people, who have true social anxiety - to cure it with job. It will not work for them. This way you are misleading them. You have good intentions and you are good person - but still you are causing them harm with wrong information.
There are a lot of scammers and hoaxers and social anxiety coaches who take money and they promise magical cure for social anxiety. Their magical cure is mental illness: denial, suppression, dissociation and masking the trauma to make it Functional Which is dangerous. Because people then end up acting on impulses which are now hidden.

" I couldn't speak; I was terrified and felt like something would erase me from existence"
IT is great that you speak
I am encouraging you to speak. it is healthy.
Regard my comments as a feedback - do not take them personally. I do not hate you. I do not wish you to stop talking.
I am filling you in with information and data - which you will check later on in life - my comments about social anxiety are compressed knowledge of 30 years of studying social anxiety. See my comments as AI google reply to your statements, a fact checker and nothing else.
Never stop speaking.

The trauma is when we self censor ourselves and when we choose to stop talking. Anything that is rigid is unhealthy.

Survivorship bias - people with true social anxiety are marginalized and censored - and the only narrative about social anxiety that comes on the surface - due to CBT - is wrong information that social anxiety is shyness and lack of skills.

YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety How Waiter Job Transformed My Life
"

OMG I had to return here.
Social anxiety - this is social anxiety:
I could never work this type of job due to fear of violent people.
Rude people.
Their words, their actions would affect me personally. I would first feel embarrassed - even when I did nothing wrong.
That is social anxiety. This automatic toxic shame.

Then if they were violent among each other - I would go into panic mode - because of previous trauma experience with violent people.

And if they were violent to me - I would be too scared to come back to that place.
That is social anxiety.
It is mixture of panic and shame. It is not fear.

I would not hit anyone back - not because I am coward but because I am afraid of harming them.

People often misinterpret this with fear and being coward and socially anxious people believe in this labels - and then they start to build personality around these labels. It took me 20 years to realize that I am not coward - that I have high moral and ethical standards mixed in with trauma and violence in past.

When we grow up in ACE and ACoA - we are not emotionally resilient to stress.
You can easily dismiss it - because you do not have this ingrained panic nor toxic shame. You do not have inner critic blaming you and telling you that you are coward.

(20.2.2024)

"sometimes that's outside of our control? "
This is huge gray area.
How can we know 100% it is outside of our control?
We can't.
Other people minds are mystery to us - how they act, what is their agenda, how they interpret reality - this is unknown to us.
Whatever other person says to us is a potential lie. That even the person himself is unaware that he is pathological liar - due to hidden mental illness.
In philosophy this is known as Problem of Other Minds.

This means - perhaps we can control toxic people - simply by criticizing them back. Most toxic people are narcissists - and narc hate criticism, they provide criticism and hurt other people instead, they do it automatically.

Also, many times if we suffer from social anxiety or any mental health issues - we might end up with our inner critic inside us who is lying to us, telling us we are incompetent and that we cannot do anything and that our voice does not matter.
Then if we go along with this self hypnosis - we might end up as professional victims, also known as
Tendency to perceive (interpersonal) victimhood - TIV

YT "Personality disorders: Cluster C
"

Those Clusters are archaic - they do more damage than good.
CBT is ableist therapy - it is based on self blame and self pathologizing and worst - on denial and suppression and dissociations - which lead to mental illness.
When we cover up our symptoms due to shame and stigma - we make trauma fester and it is never able to heal.
Please realize that DSM and CBT are evil and learn more about Humanistic psychology and anti-psychiatry which are based on compassion and validation - which people with mental health issues lack of.

When we are exposed to half information of DSM - we tend to build fake persona around the symptoms.
DSM is general book - it does not describe a person but statistical masses which are distorted due to Researcher Bias in the first place.
For example - in mid 1990s when social anxiety had been researched - CBT "experts" inadvertently invited shy and narc people for examination - that later on was incorporated in DSM as social anxiety. True socially anxious people would never expose themselves to examination.

We did not invent Avoidance. It is See Saw Effect . some toxic person pushed us into social anxiety. Narcissists.

No, he tells you that DSM ignores autism because it is ableist.
CBT is neurotypical it is harmful to neurodivergents because it pathologizes normal brain and turns it into disorder like ADHD.

If you are not honest with your symptoms you lock them up and put them in cellar, Jung Shadow. That hiding act and denial and suppression and dissociation and masking - it all leads to mental disorder.

AvPD is mirror image of narcissism. There is abuser on one side and target on the other side.
And both subjects end up with the same symptoms - polar opposite to each other.
Learning about NPD is learning about AvPD. Any lecture about narcissism is lecture of AvPD, especially covert narcissistic topics.

(21.1.2024)

Who defines shame?
If we grow up in ACoA and ACE - we will feel shame about mistakes, flaws and imperfections - and narcs and psychopaths will nitpick our mistakes - which are daily part of life. They deliberately mix up failure with incompetence and blame us for being incompetent and inept - and we end up with shame and guilt for being human being and for operant conditioning in childhood where we were been exposed to relentless criticism 24/7 about smallest and meaningless things that happen and then created hysteria about from mentally ill parent and toxic ambient.

It is defense mechanism. Attack before others attack you. Carry constant rancour anger and then drop napalm bombs on Vietnam kids kind of mentality.

YT "How I Avoid Shame
"

People who are on the receiving end of narc shame - develop self hatred and self rejection, Rejection sensitivity - inability to receive criticism - and this appears as narcissism, inability to hear criticism.

This is true, we really ought to shift focus away from accuser who is toxic to us.
HOWEVER in real life - such toxic people are not someone whom we can shift our focus away from. Why?
- They are our boss. Due to finances we can' quit mobbing work environment.
- They are our customers. We cannot cut contact with someone - because this will get us fired.
- They are our family - due to finances we cannot run away without becoming homeless in the process.
People in real life are trapped by toxic people mostly due to finances. That is real life.
Being trapped in someone who is mentally ill and who oppress us and we cannot leave due to finances.
That is the first reason - money.

Second reason is - that toxic people target our mistakes, flaws and imperfections. We all make mistakes, that is part of life. HOWEVER toxic people make small insignificant mistakes and they blow it out of proportion and they create hysteria about it, as if we are Hitler. They make us into evil person who deserves to be attacked and assaulted. And once again - we cannot defend ourselves due to lack of finances. In real life - any kind of action and passivity (doing nothing) can and will be labeled as wrong and evil - due to dualism and double bind.

Third reason is - ACoA and ACE and neurodivergent brain, being highly sensitive. These means we are either biologically set up to feel things deeply and/or we were operantly conditioned into worry and rumination that we cannot shake off - because we are trained like circus animals to feel shame for anything that moves.

Toxic shame has crude solid elements that keep us trapped into gravity of shame. This cannot be reversed by logic nor by coaching. Education , deep understanding what is going on is our only defense mechanism that is healthy and sane for us.
Accepting that trauma is permanent - it will never go away - so that we stop hoping for seeking answers for healing our traumatic experiences - they will never go away - they are not part of our DNA.

You are correct that Negative Politeness (trying not to hurt other people's feelings by telling the objective truth which is not favorable for them like telling them that they are hysterical and mentally ill and need to be in asylum).
Just make a test.
What will happen if you do speak the truth.
We will end up being evil. We will be ashamed even more. At job - we will get fired. Which is great if we live in NY and LA where we can easily find another job to pay rent - but in real world - we won't be able to pay food as quickly as we would like to change toxic job. Finances are tools of control and manipulation - that nobody talks about.
Apart from finances - the most likely scenario is that we will be hurt - toxic people will attack us, they will backstab us passive aggressive, they will gossip behind our back, spread slander against us, give us false information to trick us and punish us.
People pleasing is defense mechanism against narcissists and predators. People pleasing is not sickness nor abnormality. It is survival tool.

YT "Toxic Guilt - Stop feeling bad for no reason
"

None of these work with toxic shame unfortunately.
We hate and reject ourselves due to ACoA and ACE - and this trauma is permanent, it will never go away. We will feel panic all our lives and shame.
The only tool that happens to help is Sam Vaknin Nothingness playlist video. It is the only information that is medically correct and he offers bunch of advice and information about background system that is the motor of toxic shame too - narcissism in individual and society.

This is how narcissists become abusive -they transform their toxic shame into anger and then abuse other people around them for whatever small imperfections and perceived mistakes.

He may be wrong but he got point here.
Shame as emotion is reaction to doing something wrong.
So the central question is to check out - why we feel shame - when we DID NOT do anything wrong.
The answer is:
- ACoA and ACE ambient while growing up (exposure to constant criticism 24/7)
- toxic people who manipulate us. Shame is super strong weapon to control and manipulate other people. Predators goal and agenda in life is to control other people just for the sake of control. We cannot understand this because we are normal and healthy and sane - but toxic people are mentally ill, they have abnormal brain and they are directed to gaslight their targets into shame and feeling toxic shame.
This needs to be focus of our shame resolving. Not rumination or worry or these 16 minutes that you talked here - our primary focus must be in uncovering toxic people who push us and gaslight us into feeling shame.

Let me get this straight. You flash link to DSM explanation of symptoms - which are not scientific at all. They are approximation. And in the same time you dismiss actual person with social anxiety telling you what is social anxiety?
This is Milgram experiment - you fail to listen to screams and you continue with abusing other people , just because someone in authority told you it is good to spread misinformation and half baked lies?

YT "Talk That Defies a Title (Assembly of Silence Radio Hour (ASRH))
"

The interviewer has two issues that he lacks in:
1) anti-psychiatry as concept is foreign to him
2) ego-centrism and Self is mashed up in his mind with identity as a male.

He is convinced that Nothingness means forfeiting money and identity and becoming a monk. Even though Prof. Sam Vaknin repeatedly clearly defines Nothingness in this video and any other, and he clears up any common misunderstandings about what it means.

This is interesting. It seems that it is connected to documentary from 2002 by BBC television (from the UK), and it delves into Freud and human unconsciousness - how people in trauma can become TIV (victimhood personality) and hence dangerous. And how American corporations and CIA developed plethora of psychological programs how to keep people psyche lobotomized with consumerism.
This was told in the first part - it is available for free here on this platform.

I think this is connected to Clockwork Orange (book and movie) from 1971 - there a hooligan tries to be good and to regulate his anti-social instincts - so he tries experimental therapy called Ludovico Method (which is nothing else but CBT).

Modern CBT and DSM are not telling us the whole truth about trauma and dysregulation - as if we are too dumb to understand and a lot of lying leads to deception and distrust of authorities - who already are on shaky foundations - such as Nixon etc.

(film forum)

I always wondered why serial killers and crime and drugs were on the rise in 1970s in USA.
They were kids brought up in 1930s, 1940s repression system.

I always wondered why American movies dispelled Hays code and why it was allowed for pornography to be widespread in quick time span.
It was as reaction to suppression of human behavior until 1960s.

I always wondered why social anxiety is plagued by social anxiety coaches who steal money and CBT self help industry telling socially anxious to be ashamed, more embarrassed about their feeling of embarrassments.
It was selling money to those who were traumatized by those who grew up in suppression system.

The same suppression system that killed Marilyn Monroe.

Psychopaths are controlling and manipulating people and they use virtue signaling to do so, they simply closely observe people and then exploit human weak spots.
And then social anxiety videos coaches will tell us that there is Spotlight Effect, that people are not interested in you, that people are interested only in themselves so we do not need to be afraid of people due to this Spotlight Effect.
While in reality- those people who are sick and abnormal are closely zooming in into others, and watch for right moment after they collected all the data needed.

(23.2.2024)

People who suffer from social anxiety will believe anything being told to them.
What you are doing is depicted in the BBC documentary called "Century of Self".
Just stop it.
You are not doctor.
You have no expertise to push information into socially anxious. And no rights.
You are doing more damage - and you don't care that you hurt people in the process. Just for your personal agenda.
For shame!

YT "How I was Infantilized By My Psychologist #mentalhealth #borderline #psychology #youtube
"

BBC documentary from 2002 called "Century of Self" depicts psychoanalysis and such radical experiments.
It is eye opening because it places human mental issues in much bigger picture.
It was the psychoanalysis who killed Marilyn Monroe.
Freud children were drunkards and one committed suicide in his own home in London.
Documentary shows modality of repressing emotions - and then it shows reaction to such approach of expressing our emotions.
Both approaches are wrong and that is because our brain is not simple - each of us is individual and no modality can help us - it goes down to Victimhood syndrome, too. Dependence on other people, distrust of our own resources is at the heart of any mental condition - and that is why psychiatry cannot help us to move. We can use information and data from psychology - but the actual life is up to us, we need to apply the education and become our own therapist and do what works for us to be happy, content and regulated - by following our own inner regulation and common sense and instincts.
The world is filled with psychopaths and sociopaths who will offer us our deepest harm, pain and yearnings - they are parasite and predators in one.
When we suffer from mental issues (which are all caused by ACE and ACoA and exposure to narcissism) - we will be exploited by such toxic people.
Marketing and western capitalism is build on this exploitation, thanks to Freud descendants and his family who exploited psychiatry to parasite on our emotions.

YT "Narcissism & Codependency are generational #shortsvideo #shortvideo #shorts #short
"

BBC Documentary from 2002 called "Century of Self" helped me to place trauma in bigger picture and understand better our emotions and predators who parasite on our trauma.

24.2.2024

"I can't provide myself enough reasoning justifying the use of darker ways."
This part is part of healing
and it will be bumpy ride.
The problem is similar to Chinese Finger Trap. The tighter it becomes as we try to become free. We are not aware that we must relax ourselves into the tension.

It means - martyr complex and Victimhood personality called TIV.
Without us being aware of it - we become victim. This happens automatically, totally outside of our awareness. To third parties we appear as codependents and as someone who is coward.
Other people do not understand Freud discovery of unconscious impulses that guide someone's life. That is trauma.

Trauma keeps us hooked passive and we are afraid of life - because we are guided by past trauma. And just like Chinese Finger Trap - we deal with trauma by accepting it, as a part of life and as a part of ourselves.

Without realizing it - with trauma we make certain decisions in life which keep us restricted, while we are convinced that we are helping ourselves. So our decisions in life should be in direction of overcoming martyr complex - that we have no feeling that we carry on our backs - and this keeps us trapped in anxiety and panic.
When we realize we are not martyrs - we will suddenly start to make better decisions in life, slowly.

YT "Refiners Fire: How Obstacles Fuel Success - Pastor Bobby Schuller Sermon
"

"We find in research – how we view stress actually has the biggest indicator on what it will do to your soul and your life. In WW1 PTSD was called Shell Shock. But it's actually more common to have post-traumatic growth. We don't like to talk about post-traumatic growth because trauma can really harm you."
whoa!
I am researching trauma which I discovered by chance in 2021 - and it helped me to view social anxiety in the totally new light.
What I did not know until today, this very video sermon - that there is something called Post-Traumatic Growth - it is real thing. All the resources about trauma never mention this at all.
I hear Sam Vaknin talking about TIV, victimhood mentality and martyr complex - and how self help authors parasite on our trauma - this is missing puzzle that was missing: post-traumatic growth. Sam Vaknin was correct!

(24.2.2024)

Sounds a lot like martyr complex - people who nag and complain about everything and put focus in torturing other people and not in their own well being.

(25.2.2024)

This looks good on paper but it is not working model in real life.
You are talking as if people are trustworthy and you can take any on face value.
Like -
first and foremost question how exactly you suppose to know that you cannot control something?
What if our beliefs are guided by trauma so we have self defeating attitude about anything - so we no longer even try anything in life, because we are being told that we cannot control something.

Real life is not so easy as some proverb.
Any rigid command is path to mental illness.
Real life is flexible and we never know where we stand, because we are not gods.

Your alcohol experience - is connected to ACoA. I hope you know about ACoA and ACE.
When we do not know our trauma and compelling compulsions - they will direct our mind and our beliefs and fill us up with nonsense that will appear as reality to us.

(26.2.2024)

Nope. You did not listen to her, probably because you are so consumed in your Self that you lost ability to understand what other person is talking about.
She specifically said that shame and guild are accompanied by plethora of micro-aggressions which take away our focus - they are so small and detailed that no amount of self growth can fight unfair accusations pouring like torrent 24/7.

Sam Vaknin is better source - he is professor of psychology and he coined all the modern information about narcissism.
He says that we react to shock (like narcissistic assault) in 4 ways -
we become closed, isolated and we try to fix ourselves - and this makes us open to Trojan Horse of all sorts of psychopaths and sociopaths and narcissists from whom we try to escape ironically.

YT "Social Anxiety
"

Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
Suppressing reactions to toxic people leads to people pleasing and fawning.
Horrible advice.

When you try to control other people - you become slave to them and their moods. Borderline disorder will be born.

YT "How to Respond when someone insults you - Alex Hormozi #psychology #motivation #socialanxiety
"

So basically if the other person is mentally ill - we need to engage with them and agree to become people pleasers and fawn to them?

Any rigid response is path to mental illness. Reality does not respond well to someone being crude.

YT "What is social anxiety?
"

CBT is therapy of ableism - it is horrible therapy that ends up with mental illness - suppression denial and dissociation.

YT "How to OVERCOME Social Anxiety #confidence #lettinggo #overthinking #trauma #innerwork #shadowwork
"

What happens when we take off the mask and then other people attack us for being vulnerable? Mock us. In homophobic country like Iran - we might end in grave.

YT "Breaking Through Social Anxiety
"

What happens when the toxic people are reality and they really assault us?

YT "How to Overcome Social Anxiety Expert Tips for Building Connections
"

Neurotypicals experience anxiety in different manner than neurodivergents.

YT "How to Overcome Social Anxiety Building Connections and Finding Like Minded People
"

So what happens when we are more in the world - and the world is toxic?
When people are rude, intrusive and aggressive and we cannot run away due to finances? What then?

Think about it more. Who defines the inadequacy?
Why would lesser life experience grant another person to mock and assault other person? If someone is rude to other people because of status - that is psychopathy and narcissism.
She is 100% on the point here.

Because of toxic society. She is 100 percent on the dot here!
Anyone with social anxiety will read self help books, listen to social anxiety coaches and go to CBT (which is default therapy for social anxiety) - and ALL of them will brainwash the socially anxious person that it is their own fault for feeling awkward. And in the same time the toxic people will be ignored as if being toxic is normal and we are suppose to adapt and adopt to narcissists and sociopaths and people with poor mental health and hidden agenda.

People with social anxiety have high moral and ethical standards and they already do have inner critic and inner police which is governing Negative Politeness - which stops us from acting like jerk and being anti-social.
She is explaining to us - when we have this inner social anxiety police trauma inside us - we are already socially skilled - and if we still feel awkward - it is due to toxic people around us.

People with social anxiety already do assume, a lot, Before meeting with people, during the meeting and after.
Most people (those who do not struggle with social anxiety trauma) do not think about other people at all. They lack empathy and ability to reflect how their words affect other people.

So what you are saying that pedophiles should work with kids, because if kids are abused - their feelings as reaction to assault are their responsibility?

Or people in mobbing situations - are causing their own distress when they experience assault at work?

Maybe we should abolish prisons and asylums and let all anti-social monsters out in the open - because if they attack us, and we feel pain and panic, that reaction and distress that we feel is mental illness that should be cured?

You got it Lauren -
social anxiety is connected to narcissism, we develop social anxiety due to exposure to narcissistic assault.
So we end up blaming ourselves and believing that something is always automatically wrong with us. We have inner critic which is blocking us from doing anything shameful - and we never stop and perceive that other people are awkward for not having the same conscious as we do. So the problem is in them - if we still feel awkward in social situation with all these inner critic and police inside our head which is preventing us from embarrassing ourselves - it is other people who are the true problem.
They are doing something that make us feel threatened. Most people wear mask and hide true feelings and their agenda. With ACE we can detect it easily - and this is why we still feel social anxiety even after the information about social anxiety.

"Um wild assumptions from a 20 second clip"
Exactly!
He coined the whole narrative and prejudice and bias on Laureen after watching 20 second video.
This bias is disorder. Jumping to quick conclusions.
Projecting his own narcissism onto another person.
This is what socially anxious do not receive - this type of information - that other people are problem, they invent bias and then they act weirdly just because they compose distorted narrative about us, based on 20 seconds of interacting with them.

YT "a social anxiety win
"

CBT is ableist therapy that creates mental illness due to suppression and denial and dissociation.
IFS Model on the other hand explains that when we overthink or avoid . these are manager protector parts inside us trying to keep us safe by using methods learn in childhood.
These parts needs listening - not denial or suppression.
Social anxiety is not common cold - we did not catch social anxiety by walking idly in street. It is See-saw effect- someone push us into anxiety, someone toxic. After all - it is called social+anxiety. Social being element of anxiety. IT is not called self anxiety.

YT "HACK to overcome ANXIETY | SIMPLE trick | 😌✨💕✨#anxiety #anxietyrelief #advice #mentalhealth
"

What happens when the present moment is toxic and we cannot escape mobbing and bullying due to lack of finances?

YT "Eliminate Anxiety (or other Negative Emotion)
"

Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
Smiling is still suppressing.
Try listening to anxiety instead. Validate it.

YT "Stop Letting Social Anxiety Control You
"

Social anxiety is not lack of social skills.
By definition - social anxiety is fear of criticism.
Being shy is not the same as social anxiety.

Talking to others and to yourself of being "stupid" is anti-social and you will abuse both yourself and others.

That fear that you talk about is trauma.
Fear is not the same as trauma but it appears with the same symptoms.

There are 3 major theories how emotions appear - and scientist cannot agree on them - because emotions cannot be measured, there is no mechanism or tool to measure scientifically emotion.

"Problem is lion outside world"
"Stop trying to challenge negative beliefs, negative emotions"
You are talking to someone who is in early stage of social anxiety.
Those with mature social anxiety already do know that lion is the problem: toxic people and abusive people.
Stoic path cannot help us when we are stuck in toxic job which we cannot quit due to lack of finances.

"Person is not scary itself but what they can do to you"
Yes - so this realization does not help us much when we are oppressed and when we are stuck in toxic ambient.

"You can't do anything about feeling you feel deprived"
No $hit Sherlock.

"Try get rid of threat, not emotions"
So what happens when we get fired from a job when we get rid of the threat and we can't find another job and we end up being homeless. What we do then Einstein?

"We assume"
All people assume - assuming is not endemic to social anxiety.

You never mention narcissists. You never mention predators. You never speak about pathological liars at all. Why? Why not talking about people who lie to us? And then harm us? When toxic people have hidden agenda and we do not know that they are dangerous? And the only clue we have is social anxiety telling us not to trust someone?

"Threats will always be there until you face them"
So you never heard of Femicide?

YT "3 confidence tips #confidence #selfimprovement #bodylanguage #charisma #socialanxiety #socialskills"

Becoming narcissistic and psychopathic is always a bad idea.
-

YT "Ways to overcome Social Anxiety
"

I do not understand - how reminding ourselves that people are focused on themselves helps us - when in reality we find ourselves toxic people are intrusive and assault us?
You talk here about shyness. Not social anxiety trauma. You never had social anxiety at all.

YT "Visualisations Cured My Social Anxiety
"

Narcissism and creating delusions and living in delusions is really, really bad idea to handle trauma.

YT "Watch this if you have social anxiety.
"

You are talking about immature social anxiety - when social anxiety appears as shyness.
It appears as if the trauma is some shyness issue.
Nope.
It is trauma. It is Complex Trauma.
Social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative judgement by other people. It is not fear of talking and it is not lack of social skills.
IT is reaction to narcissists, predators, sociopaths, impulsive borderliners - parasites who exploit other people.

People with social anxiety have empathy, they are vey kind and they have good manners. They have inner critic and inner police which is monitoring their thoughts and actions and then attacks them , they are good person having tyrannical Putin and North Korean dictator inside their head. So telling socially anxious person that they do not have manners is not only insulting - but you add even more trauma to someone who already is self blaming oneself.

People avoid interactions because most people are anti-social, they mock others and attack them just for being different, ashame them.
This has nothing to do with comfort zone. Problem is narcissism.

It is amazing how many socially anxious people have veil over their eyes, filter.
And they cannot see the truth. They keep clinging onto predators and narcissists because they have flashy glossy words to attract them like flash eating plant and then consume them. While honest, authentic person is scaring them with the truth and facts.

YT "How To Get What You Want...Without Being Pushy
"

I would rather investigate why we live in self denial and where this trauma came from?
I am not sure that nitpicking and forcing our brain to start living in unnatural mode than those which is conditioned into us - will work.

All i see here is cruelty, narcissism and psychopathy and total lack of empathy. You created fantasy delusional fake version of reality based on entitlement and privilege, self consuming self, like Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher.

(27.2.2024)

Regard discomfort concept from another angle too:
- third world countries live in discomfort. Yet they do not have progress. They do not become Scandinavia. Instead - they stay stuck in crime, pollution, corruption and total breakdown of society.
- prisoners - they are surrounded by discomfort yet they do not become civilized, they do not become scientists, thinkers, philosophers - instead they learn new trades how to be and stay criminal, broadening their network of bandits
- slum part of the cities. We do not see Harlem in New York becoming artist or scientific focal point of NY - instead kids growing up in drugs and among criminal - become addicts and criminals themselves.

Unfortunately, you will learn the hard way, as we all did - that most people wear social mask.
Most people are fake and they act. What you perceive as heap of nice people are actually actors and some of them are Oscar worthy. You have no idea what they are like really - you only see what they choose to portray in their own movies and fantasies to the others. Usually they suppress dark side - and you get to see the dark side only after you invested 10 years or more into contact - that was fake from the day one.

"you aren’t being held to a conversation, you can leave at any time"
You are confabulating reality and believe in fantasies.
In real life you can't just walk away from awkward conversations.
At job - no one will hire you if you run away from difficult customers, boss and colleagues.
At family - you cannot run away to WC each time you have difficult conversation with spouse and kids and granpa,ma

YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria at Work for ADHD and Autism Strategies How to Respond #neurodivergent
"

I do not understand.
What is the context if there is ACTUAL mobbing and the other person being a$$hole and someone sadistic? And we can't quit this job due to finances?
What then Sherlock? What happens when the worst thing actually does happen?

This is great when you have money and you can make yourself safe. And then buy away your problems in life.

But majority of people were not born into entitlement and privilege and do not have rich Mommie and daddy who bought them university degree.

Real people cannot tell their bosses anything - because they would get fired. And if they do not live in wealthy country - they won't find another job.
This is something you cannot understand because you are egocentric and narcissistic and hence live in delusional world - where the only toxic person is you, tyrannical you.

"Unless someone is a minor, they usually do have the agency to cut off contact with people that submit them to constant criticism"
Perhaps in America.
Someone who lives in Ex-Yugoslavia with rampant corruption and homophobia and hatred and distrust in anyone - do not have much prospects to stand up for oneself.

YT "Hypervigilance and Intuition as Forms of Anxiety
"

I would separate social anxiety from anxiety in a manner that social anxiety is related to real threat; covert people with social mask. And then we end up as if we are having cognitive distortions - while in reality we deal with pathological liars and highly skilled manipulative psychopaths.

(28.2.2024)

The reason for misdiagnosis is that CPTSD is banned in America. IT does not exist in DSM - so therapist do not have reference point at all.
This is why CBT and DSM ought to be banned. It is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone seeking genuine help - only to be misdiagnosed with comorbid conditions that are false and to no apply to the client at all.

Agreeableness is Personality trait - it is Big 5. When we lack agreeableness we become toxic and anti-social.
This is why social anxiety coaches are dangerous - they talk nonsense and half baked information which appear as a general truth. While they go to bank laughing all the way for swindling naive people who seek genuine help.

With CBT anyone struggling with social anxiety will be told that their brain is abnormal that their brain is producing distortions.
But - CBT does not investigate whether this person was and still is being abused and inside toxic ambient.
Nor does CBT tells such person to be himself - because inside Iran if this person is homo, then being authentic himself would be sentenced to death.. Not better situation is in the Balkans, in supposed democracies.

YT "Beware the Stupid Takeover! (Sam Vaknin Rant, Read PINNED COMMENT)
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I see it like this: Freud's Id, Ego and Super Ego.
Stupid people are Id. In unbalanced system, these 3 go haywire.
This happens when stupid people take over the power and silence the Ego (normal people) and Super ego (media, laws, norms - authority).
Similar what happened in China during Cultural Revolution - when the teachers were mocked and attacked and sent to work like farmers.
I see the restoring the balance - in teaching the Id to become Adult or at least to become responsible child with conscience.
Ego and SuperEgo should regard Id as children in Catcher in the Rye novel - that we take care of Id and watch them not to fall over the cliff.
This could be done only with our expression and participation in social ambient - by expressing our own opinion and facts and objective reality. It also includes warning the rude people when they go over board - instead of being silent to aggressive people.

(29.2.2024)

"how to stop ppl pleasing"
This is complex issue.
This is not something that can be solved by going through steps.
Because people pleasing by itself is not pathology. It is not wrong to be interested in people.
It is not wrong to believe in people.
It is not wrong to have contact with people and to listen to them and to interact with them and to trust them and to give in, that we are not stubborn and that we do not insist on our ideas only,

IF you have magic wand to remove people pleasing altogether - you would become extremely toxic difficult people who is anti-social, who screams at others and who is aggressive all the time and nags all the time and complains about everything - since you would not have inner filter to stop it.

2.
We need to learn where the problem started.
People pleasing is action when we go over the board. We do not connect with people - we fly above it and we go extra mile. We feel urge to fix other people. And we feel guilt and shame when other people are angry, we feel responsible for their feelings.
This is Complex Trauma. This is Narcissism and Borderline issue. This is Quiet BPD. This is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. This is Narcissistic Mortification.
We could only learn this feelings in toxic ambient during childhood. This is not something that comes over night.
We were repeatedly exposed to criticism and complaints 24/7, we were attacked and we were forced to fix others and their mood swings. We were exposed to untreated mentally ill adult while growing up, someone who was not able to regulate their emotions - because of their own trauma in their own childhood and life. The most common source of people pleasing is "dead mother complex" described by Andre Green

3. part.
So we need to invest our time and learn psychology. This is because with people pleasing - we will automatically blame ourselves for anything that happens. We will take responsibility for anyone and feel deep urge and shame automatically when someone is moody - because this is what we grew up with.
The solution is what Sam Vaknin described as Nothingness.
When we people please - we have ego death. Our self is destroyed. We do not have personality inside us. We do not know what we want. Our wants and desires and sense of right and wrong is filtered and molded by conformity and group think - what other people, most people approve of. We never completed stages of growing up - like peer pressure - we never learned to say no when we were 11, 12 years old - because at that time we were exposed to bullying and rejection - and now we are stuck in our child years, where in our minds we never were able to break the ice and to become adults - like most children did. We are stuck in child state of shame and guilt over trying to please other people.
Nothingness tells us - when we are in contact with other people - to place our whole brain and decision making onto us. That our social mask is nothing - that other people cannot influence our opinions and decisions - since we imagine that there is nothing.
Instead of others, we have our Self inside us, behind the mask - it is us.
So our decisions, opinions, goals, task in life -are formed inside ourselves. Not by what other people order or command us to do or think.
That is in the nutshell, the simplest answer.

YT "You are meant to be the leader
"

I love IFS Model since it explains Social anxiety issues which CBT pathologizes and adds more social anxiety through shaming and wrong explanations of panic and fears emotions (they are described in CBT as abnormality in brain, as if we are not able to do anything in life due to wrong thoughts). IFS Model explains the conflict and double binding that we struggle with in clear and compassionate manner that removes toxic shame that would otherwise parasite on/over panic and fears.

HOWEVER I would add Sam Vaknin Nothingness concept - it goes hand in hand with IFS Model. It is like second stage of healing that comes after IFS education.
The third step would be BBC documentary Century of Self.
As we try to cope with panic and try to find solutions - we will most probably go into wrong alley called Self Consuming Self.
This is where we develop Victimhood persona (TIV) - and we become consumed with our emotions and feelings so much that we become like horse with blinders. We do not see anything else in life but our own emotions. We lose ability to trust other people due to negative experiences which causes trauma in the first place. This leads to us being easily exploited by toxic corporations and predators who will parasite over our emotions, while we won't be able to detect this, due to mentality of being stuck in Self Consuming Self.
It is like - in childhood our Self was never developed. And not in Adulthood we learn to develop Self - and now Self becomes the only primary focus in our life, without us being aware of it.

Mental health is being interdepended and that we communicate with other people and do not burden them with our needs all the time and our emotions - but instead we focus and see what is happening in the world around us - and choose to make it better by learning about the external world, as much as we learned about our inner world, too. The by-product of this is that we will paradoxically no longer feel anger about toxic people who harmed us - but we will see them as pathetic and that it is our duty to prevent social and economic circumstances that force other people into trauma - by simply listening and understanding people - instead of being consumed by our own fears and trauma and our selfish needs all the time.

YT "Masked Narcissist: Private vs. Public Personas
"

So when you are living with a narcissist – it is the mask. It is a mask that you are interacting with or living with. And I don't know of anything more terrifying than this statement. That I've just made.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin

Then this explains social anxiety. When we struggle with social anxiety panic after having experience with someone exhibiting narcissistic rage - it is totally normal reaction to develop - it is terrifying to know that we can sense void in such people, we see that nobody is there and it is scary, it will provoke social anxiety symptoms and trauma after exposure of long term to such mask.

(1.3.2024)

" Psychology the way it s writen now, thinks that a healthy personality includes a core self"
I would be pragmatic.
All mental illness stems from exposure to toxic people - Sam Vaknin also said that, I am para-phrasing,
I am talking about situation where child cannot choose where to go and he is exposed to verbal abuse in child years when child brain is developing.
Or someone living in toxic country where mobbing is common and there is inability to escape the country due to visa and lack of money. Anyone who never lived at ex Balkan countries cannot realize what mobbing means. It is someone slapping you, physically assaulting you at work and verbally abusing you 12h a day. And you can't quit due to lack of finances. Living in such social ambient that is prison and mental asylum of open type - will lead to destroyed mental health.
Codependents living in toxic marriage know what I am talking about.
Psychology of CBT ignores this.
CBT ignores because this toxic ambient is unthinkable in USA. In America anyone can move 5000 km away from slum and get a job at any time and the job will cover up flat and food. In Balkans this is impossible. People are trapped in impossible situations.

". It s like if i told at a npd person to live w his real self/the void-collapsed."
The way I understand the Nothingness - it is really anti dote to narcissism because it tells the narc to be nothing. This way his real self is gone. And the only self that should be developed is the one inside - something that narcs never completed in ACE childhood.
Nothingness works like magic for social anxiety too - people who are trapped in impossible situations of mobbing like living in Balkans - to protect oneself from verbal assault of mentally ill people around.

" Nowdays the situation is such that we don t talk about changing the economic system or the form of the constitution"
People cannot change something if the are immersed into system - because pathological system (such as narcissism) is pathological liar it is both manipulative and controlling.
This means - if we were to change narcissistic marriage and assault - we would be told we are too sensitive, that we are abnormal, that we we are hallucinating problems , and we could not advocate ourselves.
Toxic people are skillful in manipulation and control - this is something that they brushed the tool since they are 4 years old.
When the rest of us discovered people, nature, comedy, sports, love - narcissists and psychopaths were highly focused on domination and torturing other people in order to feel anything.
This is extremely hard for normal people to understand because it is not understandable that people like that could exist. Because we are normal we cannot phantom the abnormal brain - we do not have reference point.
That is why we cannot change narcissists - we do not have tools to target their Achilles foot.
This is why Nothingness is our only tool to protect our sanity and move away when possible and live in cocoon when we are trapped inside toxic ambient.

Robot system that you speak about - is dysfunctional. It does not work in real life, it is build on counterfactual fantasy - and as such will crumble down on its own. Because it is dysfunctional.

"But he doesn t speak about nithingness as an answer to npd"
The literal subtitle of this playlist is: "Antidote to Narcissism"

"But victims of NPD political leaders should somehow forget their self"
I think you miss the point, you misunderstand him.
Self cannot be forgotten now. We forgot it long time ago - like Gabor Mate said:
“What we call the personality is often a jumble of genuine traits and adopted coping styles that do not reflect our true self at all but the loss of it.”
Quote by Gabor Maté

Nothingness is a quick direction in life - when we are dealing with ACE trauma, bad parenting after effects of ACoA.
When we need to choose better and healthier path in life - nothingness propels us to rely on common sense and our ethical and moral standards without being influenced by trauma and bad people around us.

" I couldn t accept being abused."
It is not about accepting the abuse.
IT is about accepting reality and that we face the reality as it is.
That we do not lie to ourselves anymore.
That we do not pretend that we are fine.
That we do not deny our emotions in order to please toxic people.
Accepting reality means understanding what is happening and to accept evil toxic people as toxic - and that we cannot change them, that it is not our job to fix them or to please them.
It is about seeing toxic people as facts of life - and our well being as primary focus. Not fawning to toxic people.

" In 2nd case you have choises"
What choices has a person without money trapped in toxic job in country where all jobs are mobbing place and where paycheck cannot pay rent and food, and where there is no way to get better job or to advance at job due to corruption and nepotism.

"so they should sh*t up."
Well toxic people do not shut up. They enjoy putting other people down. It gives them sense of power.

It was mind blowing for me.
It explains the trap - when we experience injustice and any kind of wrong treatment - without us being aware of it, we might become extremely egocentric and difficult - by being preoccupied with our pain,
Similar to people who suffer from some sickness - it appears as if we are the only person in the world who is in the pain and other people must acknowledge it and we must spend 24h thinking about it and talking about it and revolve our life around it.
The opposite of this is also detrimental - living in denial and suppression and pretending we are fine while the chaos ensues.

General idea is, I repeat my original comment- that any person with social anxiety will seek genuine help and direction and information - and receive by CBT a message that all fear emotions are something to hide and to be ashamed of, while in the same time CBT does not offer any direction in life how to handle social anxiety - but only to hide panic and fear and to be afraid of panic.
Sam's work here helps a lot - it not only explains the emotions but also give solid concrete, functional direction how to handle the panic - by embracing nothingness.
It works like a charm for very complex emotional issues - it is without the blame, without pathologizing, without anything and it snaps back the emotionally shocked person into inner GPS mode.

I do not diagnose you, I speak what I see from facts, I do not know you how could I diagnose you? I am not doctor - I cannot diagnose anyone. And people are not diagnosed over comments over internet.
You keep on switching the topic onto yourself and the other person. Over and over again. That is typical for borderline behavior.

(3.3.2024)

3.3.2024
For me personally this information about sensory overload is helpful on its own.
I was brainwashed with cBT and self help industry telling me that I am hallucinating problems and that I am the problem and that the cure of this problem is to expose myself to toxic ambient. Obviously - this did not work but it was the only source of explanation about what is going on.
Now when I no longer blame myself or believe that my brain is dysfunctional - I have more confidence to begin with , which I did not have before.
-
YT "Autism Spectrum Disorder - Understanding the Sensory Crisis
"
The problem is that you are unable to connect Sensory overload with social anxiety.
Due to CBT and egocentrism and narcissism and inability to have neurodivergent brain - you are unable to make the connection.
You depend on alloplastic defenses and blaming the person for having any issues - without being able to look at the external ambient as problem, too.

As neurotypical person, you believe that the world is black and white. BPD Splitting mentality. You believe that people walk written on their forehead "AUTIST" or "TRAUMATIZED" and if the person does not have this clearly visible - you dismiss the potential spectrum.
Neurotypicals have no ability to realize that the world is spectrum. That world IS NOT binary like Aristotelian logic.
This inability to see comorbidies and unreliable narrators (people who are unable to express their issues due to lack of education) - you end up drawing wrong conclusions - and you miss ability to connect social anxiety with sensory overload.

This is the reason why CBT and DSM must be banned - they are doing incredible psychological damage to anyone seeking genuine help.
-
This person is horrible. She is unable to make connection between social anxiety and sensory overload.
She is neurotypical and ableist - she perceives neurodivergent as something to destroy and mask and hide away.
Just imagine what people like her would do to Nikola Tesla. We would not have electricity, radio or wi-fi today because of people like her.
-
My biggest challenge is CBT and videos like this, books like this - that tell us that we are abnormal for being neurodivergent.
Then we build toxic shame due to ableists like her.
-
The danger of CBT is that it tells us that we need to build fake personality around neurodivergence. As if we must build victimhood mentality and complain and nag all the time - instead of being focused on our goals and tasks in life.
This way CBT and videos like this propel us to become Self Consuming Self - that we become neurotypical.
-
" a less severe type" is called spectrum.
CBT is ableist and I have no idea why neurodivergent keep watching and soaking CBT videos like this one. They are so shaming and damaging to our self esteem and our persona. CBT propel us to Othering - that we separate ourselves from community and that we build Self Consuming Self personality - like neurotypicals.
CBT is like going to Nazi Germany HQ during 1930s for information about Human Rights. What do you think the fascist will tell you? That you are free? That you have rights?
Nope - neurotypicals will tell you that we are abnormal and that we must fix ourselves in order to fit in into abnormal toxic society like this video.

YT "ADHD & Sensory Overload: Why are we so sensitive 😬?
"

CBT and self help industry will mislabel and misdiagnose these as social anxiety.
And then tell "socially anxious" to expose as a way to stop being "so sensitive" and convince socially anxious that their brain is abnormal and full of hallucinations and cognitive distortions - leading to toxic shame and destruction of Self.

Negative comment is not the same as feedback.
Inability to differentiate between these two is borderline personality disorder issue. Black and white splitting cognitive distortion.

(4.3.2024)

They are not panic attacks. They are sensory overload. Big difference. CBT and self help are giving us wrong explanations - because this way we are more easily to steal our money from us later on - corporations also parasite on our trauma and hidden neurodivergent / autism spectrum.

YT "3 Signs You Have Social Anxiety
"

This is sensory overload. Overstimulation.
Stop pathologizing people.

It does not help - because next time we feel overstimulation due to neurodivergent brain - we will blame ourselves for being pathologized.

Pharma mafia is making huge money profit on misdiagnosis and psychiatry being pathologized and weaponized against us.

Neurodivergent brain will not become dull by exposing ourselves to stimuli. IT will become overstimulated - and we will end up with physical illness due to exposure to toxic stress.

YT "Is Social Anxiety Holding You Back?
"

DSM does not talk nor measure emotions - because it can't measure emotions. There are no machines to define emotions.

Symptoms of social anxiety disorder are Sensory Overload. Overstimulation. Autism spectrum. Not pathology. It is neurodivergent brain working as it suppose to work.

As a white heterosexual male born into entitlement and privilege and money - you had much more resources to resolve your social anxiety issues. A lot of people do not have external help like you did. So it is unreasonable and illogical that your life experience can be copy-pasted onto anyone else who was not lucky enough to born into what society deems as powerful class. This is something that you do not mention in your video, conveniently.

When we are worried about other people noticing our symptoms - this is complex trauma. Not disorder. Nothing is wrong with our brain. Our brain is working fine - as it suppose to work after bullying and mobbing experiences and exposure to narcissists and psychopaths.

"Most people think only about themselves"
What happens when we are in toxic ambient where predators really judge us. What then Pollyanna?

You do not speak what happens if we are gay and we live in toxic country which is homophobic? What then Pollyanna?

You are pathologizing neurodivergents and this is called ableism.
You are not saying that social scalability does not work - if we are born into poverty no amount of our effort will make 99 percent of us rich.
What you are saying is that we dump money on your clinic and books and courses. That is car salesmen hoax, not medical help.

Martyr complex and Self consuming self. Victimhood mentality personality built on feeling sad for oneself and then feeling more powerful than anybody else because of your special and unique life.

Okay. But what happens when we are adults and we have to make money in order not to be homeless or be hungry - and we are stuck in toxic job in poor corrupt country - filled with mobbing 24/7- what then Pollyannna?

"There's a big caveat here that almost always gets missed in content regarding social anxiety disorder: someone can exhibit all the same symptoms listed for SAD, but if they are really autistic, then the treatments/therapy for SAD can do a lot more harm than good. For autistic people, fears associated with social situations are usually coming from a lifetime of failed attempts at socializing. The fear isn't "irrational"; it comes from real, repeated trauma (CPTSD) — and that trauma can be repeated throughout adulthood. It's not just something left over from adolescence.
I was misdiagnosed with SAD many years ago. Unfortunately, the CBT taught me to gaslight myself regarding what was really happening in social situations, which only led to more trauma. My ""friends" were not still my friends. What I discovered, again and again, is that they were never my friends to begin with. They only sometimes tolerated my presence so long as I remained a people-pleaser and never, ever stood up for myself (or others). This is a common experience for autistic people.
Worse: in therapy I was told that my fears were irrational and that I needed to think more analytically. I was being gaslit regarding how my own mind works. Most autistic people instinctively practice the kind of analytical thinking that CBT promotes. It's how we navigate the world. If anything, CBT teaches allistic (non-autistic) people to think like autistic people.
The various medications I was put on all just made things worse. I very nearly lost my job because I couldn't think straight, and my anxiety only increased as a result.
So yes, I have extreme social anxiety, but it's not SAD. It's PTSD. If you get badly injured walking through a minefield and the therapist tells you that your fear of walking through minefields is irrational and encourages you to go out and do it again, you're just going to get hurt again."

Yes ! Yes! Yes!
you got it!
You are light in the dark!!!

Autism comes in spectrum. This is what CBT DSM does not understand because it is build on consumerism and parasiting on psychology (BBC documentary from 2002 Century of Self)
We are being pathologized and then sold books and courses and lifetime therapies - while crooks get rich by misdiagnosing us!

I do not understand your post.
You are talking here me me me. I I I.
This is social anxiety. It is called social+anxiety.
This means anxiety stems from the social. Toxic people. Predators. Pathological liars. Coercive control.
It is not called self anxiety.
Anxiety does not occur when we are on our own.
What scripts are you talking about? How can any script help with real life and evil people who are focused only to be sadist and think how to steal from people?

You are correct - it is not worth worrying about HOWEVER
if we grew up in ACE ACoA ambient - we will be conditioned to worry a lot, due to Complex Trauma installed inside us, like reflex.
And neurodivergent brain is working that way - to think all kind of possibilities from all sorts of angles. This is not pathology. This is how ND brain works. Stop pathologizing yourself.

Then you never had social anxiety to begin with. You had shyness - and now you are misleading others with your own misdiagnosis and giving wrong answers to people with real social anxiety issues: autism spectrum and sensory overload.

YT "Can a Confident Person have Social Anxiety?
"

Social anxiety can be Masked and made Functional.
Social anxiety is Sensory Overload. Overstimulation. Autism spectrum. Spectrum - it means there is no splitting, no binary, no black and white labels on our forehead. It comes in percentages. Compound with bullying and mobbing such as this:
When we do not know this, we end up pathologizing ourselves because we are not "strong".
This "strong" stigma comes from toxic society and patriarchy
and 2k years of toxic religion. Where we end up with toxic shame and belief that we are abnormal for processing stimuli in deeper manner than most people who do not use brain in more detailed manner since they are neurotypical.

You mix up confidence with arrogance.
Confidence is paradox.
If you try to overcompensate and appear confident - you will never do it. You end up with anxiety and panic because you try to achieve something out of reach.
HOWEVER if you accept yourself as you are, whatever you are, non confident - paradox is - we will become confident - because we no longer need to waster our energy and focus onto building a wall and fake facade, and other people cannot harm us with their criticism because we own our flaws and mistakes and weirdness.

When we do exposure - we will have proof that social anxiety is stemming from toxic people. Pathological liars, Car salesmen mentality, predators. They are dangerous and intrusive - and that is the source of social anxiety: toxic people.
Afterall it is called social+anxiety. Anxiety stemming from toxic society which is harmful and painful and violent and criminal.
it is not called self anxiety.
With sensory overload we will experience panic - but this is overstimulation. Not panic. Big difference.
With panic - we end up pathologizing ourselves for being sissy and feminine and we start to develop deep toxic shame for not being superconfident, while in reality we have neurodivergent brain that is processing stimuli and reality in deeper manner than most people, neurotypicals.

Social anxiety is not related to talking to people as primary problem. You have shyness, you deluded yourself into diagnosis because narcissists do that - play victim and create victimhood personality , so that you are somehow superior to everyone else due to your talking abilities - where you can pretend to be better than us "losers" who have true social anxiety.

Childhood PTSD does not exist. Your therapist is telling you what you want to hear, because you are both narc supply to each other. You have Shared Fantasy here and make up delusional world where you believe in diagnosis in order to play pretend to be a victim.

I believe in free speech and exchange of idea.
You are correct - I do not know anything about you - and I am not talking about you at all.
I am talking about impression that you leave on other people with text you provide us with. And consequences of it.

Socially anxious people, those with true social anxiety- think twice before writing or speaking anything. They do not talk easily and they try hard not to harm anyone with wrong data.

Autism comes in spectrum. We can learn to mask and hide autism due to ableism and toxic society that attacks anything different than neurotypical standards.

Yet social anxiety that we experience IS sensory overload. Overstimulation. You do understand that? It is not panic. It is not fears. IT is not even anxiety per se. It is processing too much stimuli at the same time. Autism spectrum. Neurodivergent brain.

It is sensory overload.. Overstimulation.
Medical industry CBT and self help industry are keeping the secret away from us - because otherwise nobody would buy their books, courses and pills anymore.

Typical narcissistic response. You feel privileged to provide fake and wrong information to the public and confused young people suffering from social anxiety-
however you are unable to hear feedback and face reality testing.
So we all are suppose to be quiet when narcissists force their narrative onto us.

Victimhood mentality (TIV) information concept can help us crystalize our trauma and test whether we are real victim or narcissists who is seeking attention. If we really went through trauma - we would only want to be emotionally regulated and nothing else would not matter, Especially not getting even or trying to prove ourselves to total strangers over internet.

We were not born with fear of what other people think about us.
People are born with only two fears:
fear of falling and fear of loud noises.
Fear of punishment and fear of speaking out the truth - is conditioned response and it can only happen in ACE ACoA ambient.
When a child is exposed to toxic ambient - it will develop brain that gets overstimulated because it will be trained to seek danger in order to protect itself.
This inability to see overstimulation is like fish being in a water . The fish cannot become aware of water - since it is immersed inside it all its life.

(5.3.2024)

"not necessarily a fear."
It is fear.
It is very dangerous to ignore the science and to create your own explanations and then believe in those as it is reality. This can lead to delusions and perhaps issues that you struggle with what you label as "social anxiety".

"there are so many factors "
Yes, you are correct - and this is the reason why we need to rely on science. And not on our own explanations of reality - because we will get stuck with wrong conclusions and wrong convictions that lead nowhere.

"Are you a licensed mental health professional?"
No. And I am not topic here.

(6.3.2024)

Social anxiety is spectrum of autism. CBT is presenting us wrong information because diagnosis means money profit from the gullible.

CBT does not take anything external in case.
CBT only looks at the person suffering from shock.
This is called
Dispositional attribution
Dispositional attribution is a phrase in personality psychology that refers to the tendency to assign responsibility for others' behaviors due to their inherent characteristics, such as their motives, beliefs or personality, rather than the external influences, such as the individual's environment or culture.

This way narcissists and psychopaths and anomie can be the cause of our mental distress - and CBT will ignore it totally - describing our brain as abnormal. this is the same as brainwashing in cult or narcissistic contact,

"Don’t forget, narcissists would never ask them self’s if they are a narcissist. They think that they are perfect

"

This doesn't apply to covert narcissists nor wounded narcissists.
They present themselves as victims - and this is now a huge problem - when targets of narc abuse start to seek the answers what is going on - because any analysis makes the target of narcissistic people as victim - and we end up being wounded victim -- just like wounded narcissists.

YT "Narcissist at Work? 3 Best Ways to Handle Him/Her! (EXCERPT with Conor Ryan, Eyes Wide Open Podcast)
"

Without learning about psychology - I would be using gray rock - social anxiety. I would avoid and shut up and self censor myself.
However gray rock in the long term is not healthy psychologically - because we need healthy sane people to have meaning -their gaze, their observation and our gaze back and our feedback back is what is building ourselves up - in healthy ambient.
In toxic ambient - punishments end up as spiral to hell and mental illness.
Now the huge problem is with people who think they have social anxiety - while in reality they are in toxic ambient, And CBT and self help books will never explain this - that their social anxiety is by product of toxic people and toxic ambient, Instead what CBT is doing is explaining to socially anxious that their brain is abnormal and that they are hallucinating the toxic people. This ends up as mental illness. CBT is making us ill with wrong diagnosis and with wrong explanations - to anyone stuck in toxic ambient and shame culture country and at mobbing job.

(8.3.2024)

Warren replied but his comment got deleted.
He started to talk about anger - what happens when we swallow it.
This is not about swallowing anger.
Anger when it is covered up and denied is caged anger. This is not healthy.
Anger needs to be processed - transmuted.
Well - in most cases we will experience injustice that will cause our anger.
To transmute it is:
1) to express our side of story
2) to warn alarm alert intrusive person of consequences
3) to cut contact if it is repeated
4) to plan long term escape if we are unable to cut contact immediately
5) to see anger as reaction to harm and hurt - and not as grudge and hatred towards the perpatrator
Because if we hold the grudge - we will internalize the harm and damage ourselves from inside like auto-immune disease.

Anxiety must stem from somewhere. IT is not an asteroid or comet that falls out of space.
It is instead a See Saw Effect.
Someone is pushing us to feel anxiety, usually this is learned thinking style from childhood when we were exposed to AcoA and ACE ambient - constant criticism and catastrophizing by mentally ill parent.
We learned to worry as a coping mechanism to handle the mental illness of someone in power over us. And we carried this dysfunctional coping mechanism into adulthood - where we distrust our inner resources, we distrust our brain - and instead we worry about other people, thinking that by doing so we will prevent their anger and intrusive behavior.

YT "How to Let Go of Guilt for Children of Alcoholics | Let Go of Guilt for Children of Alcoholics
"

Unfortunately ABC thought / emotion resolving does not work.
It does not work because we are in defense mode - and this leads to us being victim, we end up being in victimhood mentality, we build constant victimhood personality (TIV), where we are forced to "clean" our thoughts as response to toxic people and their drama.
Toxic person - all he needs to to is to create drama - and then we will squeal and cry and be sad about it. This is how we end up in victimhood mentality without us choosing to be victim at all. Just be being in contact with toxic person who is inventing conflicts and drama due to their mental illness.

So instead of focusing on our goals and tasks - we end up being reactive to someone's microaggressions. All the time.
Toxic people are not toxic all the time. Most of the time their misbehavior is masked and toxic people are highly manipulative.
This means that toxic people will blame our mistakes, errors, flaws and create drama about it. This happens because toxic people have victimhood mentality themselves. They believe they are endless victim and they are defending against the cruel world - and in their eyes we are the ones who are toxic to them.
So they will voice out the "proofs" how we are toxic - and then we will be in defensive mode and feel guilt - due to their reasoning.
Nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes, errors are part of life.
This is weaponized against us by toxic people - who are perfectionists and they demand everyone to fawn to their egocentric selfish beliefs how world should work and how the world should be organized.
When we follow CBT idea that we need to fix our thoughts - we will end up with toxic shame, with a strong belief that our brain is producing wrong thoughts that need cleaning. This is not true, because we are reacting to toxic people - reaction to someone aggressive is not abnormality. The abnormal person is evil person who chooses to be evil. CBT idea that we fix our brain and thoughts is a form of ACoA - where we blame ourselves and our brain and our body for feeling panic and fear around evil people. Evil people are the only problem - not our panic reactions. I would leave our thoughts alone and validate them as normal reaction to abnormal people.

I agree with video message - we need to detach.
There is no solution. Toxic people are part of life. Most probably due to ACoA we will choose toxic people as our friends and intimate partners and our job settings - if we are not aware of what is ACoA - we will automatically feel good around hysterical and toxic people. Most probably we are already stuck with toxic people right now and toxic ambient - and to heal AcoA - will mean huge lifestyle changes and removal of 90 percent of our contacts and job.
With AcoA we will be instructed to accrue money to feel safe and then be stuck in Rat Race.

Their actions and misbehavior will ruin anyone's life whoever get into contact with them.
We cannot abandon them - since that will make us toxic. They are like 4 yo babies trapped in bodies of adult person. They cannot end up in mental institutions because they have personality disorder - they refuse to accept own accountability and they have no idea how their misbehavior is affecting others.
We cannot be with them - because presence in toxic ambient will cause us to develop mental illness due to worry and trauma.

I see healing trauma in total trust in our brain and our emotions, without pathologizing them at all. Whether we are people pleasers or codependents or we might engage in fight response. the first and foremost step is total and unconditional acceptance and validation of our responses for trying to handle abnormal people with tools that we had at the time. This self validation is crucial first step in healing.

Education. When we are under shock such as tyranny of criticism - we tend to go into panic mode and usually we self blame ourselves - fueling more of inner criticism in the process of handling toxic stress.
This helps and information is available for free:
1. IFS Model
2. Nothingness by Sam Vaknin
3. Sensory overload information

11.3.2024

YT "Social anxiety
"

Fear of being misunderstood may be Stimulation overload, trauma after-effect and being surrounded by toxic society.
The best way to test this is - talking.
Let's see what will happen when we talk without being afraid of criticism.
Usually - it is toxic person, narcissist and psychopath who is violent and aggressive and hurt by the truth - because toxic people wear social mask in order to exploit others and it hides their greed and agenda. Then the only truth can remove this mask and this is painful for toxic people, also called narcissistic mortification and narcissistic injury.

When we explain away social anxiety as fear - we will build a fake personality around it, victimhood mentality and we will create totally new layers of panic and social anxiety on this false explanation what is social anxiety.
Social anxiety is also fear of expressing our opinion as much as it is fear of criticism and negative evaluation as DSM defines it.

YT "How To Stop Social Anxiety
"

Socially anxious are already ZOOMED into other people, like with a microscope.
You are mixing up shy people with social anxiety. Similar, but not the same in that very distinction. Shy people are neurotypicals and they are obsessed with parties and talking and narcissism, to be loved and approved by others. Socially anxious are traumatized - they experienced mobbing and bullying and ACoA verbal abuse - so they are experiencing trauma and stimuli overload. Big difference from a mere shyness described in this video.
Socially anxious person who will take this advice will become people pleaser and fawn to others, and toxic people will exploit their trauma to farm them.

YT "STOP anxiety build up before social events
"

For me this helped:
1) IFS Model - it explains that our mind is fragmented and some of parts are traumatized and they try to manage trauma in childish ways, learned as kids during growing up in ACE ambient (verbal abuse and 24/7 criticism)
2) Sam Vaknin Nothingness playlist - clears up what is reality and who we are in the world is not what other people see about us
3) Autism spectrum - panic is actually stimulation overload - CBT tells us that panic is caused by our abnormal brain and distortions which create new layers of toxic shame and panic. Autism spectrum shifts this shame away from being a burden.

YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety Find Your Perfect Social Environments #shorts #anxiety #motivation
"

Neurotypicals mix up shyness with social anxiety. They are obsessed with parties and narcissism to be loved by others.
Social anxiety is autism spectrum - and it is issue of handling those same narcissists who are self consumed and how to handle predators who are greedy - not only at parties but at job and in any social exposure..

Jerks are part of life. Without them, we would atrophy our mind muscles and become a mush. This does not excuse them - but simply to accept negative people as part of life - like yin and yang - the opposite must exist in order for harmony and balance. With toxic people we learn that we dislike them and we prefer normal and healthy and friendly people instead. That is a big lesson to learn and hard to accept once we start to minimize contact with them, family and job settings where we believe we must be martyr and fawn to everyone. We don't need to.

YT "Social anxiety…
"

Social anxiety is autism spectrum, mixed with Complex Trauma. If we build a personality around social anxiety description - we will hate ourselves and then build a victimhood mentality personality (TIV) which leads to borderline disorder, called Quiet BPD.

YT "Social anxiety and eye contact
"

"if you want to get rid of this"
Is extremely psychologically damaging urge.
If we decide to hate ourselves and then to discipline ourselves, by believing that we can scapegoat our autism neurodivergent brain, we will end up with toxic shame and more of social anxiety. This self consuming idea of self hatred due to desire to discipline ourselves into superpower full person is narcissism.

YT "Practice self love and take the leap #socialanxiety
"

Kyle is back after 2 months of pause.
Problem is - when socially anxious person takes a leap - he or she will lean onto dysfunctional defense mechanisms. This means: people pleasing, fawning, self hatred, Pure OCD, self flagellation.
You do not understand this because you mix up shyness with social anxiety. Social anxiety is more extreme due to this self hatred that unfortunately cannot be countered with self love. The self hatred is so disordered that self love would be translated as taking drugs, engaging in risky behavior and being a slob - emotional eating and emotional shopping spree.
Traumatized person that grew up in ACE ambient never experienced love - so self love is unknown and strange entity. Socially anxious person cannot self love due to operant conditioning - that must be tackled first.

YT "Social or Situational Anxiety?
"

I totally agree. CBT and DSM are forcing us to build a fake personality around diagnosis - which is not true.
DSM says that social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation. This way we become victim and build victimhood mentality because we will interpret autism spectrum stimuli overload as fear of talking - and we will self fulfill this imposed prophecy. We will start to fear talking.
While in reality - social anxiety is also fear of expressing OUR OWN criticism and OUR OWN negative evaluation.
This part is omitted by CBT and DSM because it is based on Anna Freud ideas that we must prune ourselves due to conformity and social control and herd mentality and group think. Freuds were afraid of Nazi takeover and people being ran by hidden impulses - so modern cBT is based on this irrational fear from Freud family. Then neurodivergents are pathologized and their reactions to toxic ambient is weaponized against them, as their own fault. Similar to Nelson in Simpsons kicking the kids and yelling Stop kicking yourself. We are being bullied by CBT and DSM.

YT "You're doing it wrong if you don't feel fear #socialanxiety
"

it depends what we are scared of? Are we scared of unknown? Or are we scared of toxic person who is dangerous, pushing boundaries and is intrusive?
If person is aggressive- fear is normal reaction to abnormal person. It is not anxiety - and hence social anxiety is stimuli overload, an autism spectrum.
We can easily test this - by speaking up our opinion. If the other person is critical and rude - the problem is in others.
We will feel social anxiety when there is a See Saw effect - toxic people who oppose our opinions, thoughts, ideas. Toxic people who force their narrative and punish those who do not conform.

YT "How to be socially confident #socialskills #socialanxiety #sociallyawkward #confidence #motivation
"

1) reframing thoughts does not help due to operant conditioning in ACE and ACoA childhood. Once we start to nitpick our thoughts, we will distrust our brain and we will start to believe we are inept due to intrusive thoughts.
2) Socially anxious are already very active listeners.
3) Open question to whom? Chances are that our social anxiety will attract mass amount of parasites and psychopaths and narcissists who see friendly nice people as smorgasbord to use.
4) I would embrace our social anxiety panic - and do not see it as panic but as Autism spectrum, it is neurodivergent brain and this is how it works when it is traumatized,

YT "Snap out of it bro #socialanxiety #anxiety
"

True.
And we need reality checking. What is going on.
Who is triggering our social anxiety.
How are they triggering it?
Are they aggressive? how?
Are they intrusive? How exactly?
Some people are using Roasting humor to create bond and it is their way of showing they care a lot. While it may appear to us that they hate us - where reality is the opposite.

Chances are that social anxiety is Autism spectrum mixed with Complex Trauma -
stimulation overload and bad experiences with people from the past.

YT "Are anxiety and stress the same thing? #anxiety #stress
"

With trauma - the stressor is ingrained inner critic (operant conditioning) and it is in toxic ambient such as Shame Culture and or living with narcissistic person who is performing micro-aggressions 24/7.

YT "Watch This Video If You Have Social Anxiety
"

Why would we want to talk to random people?
You presume as if social anxiety is fear of chatting and making small talk. Well, nope - social anxiety is trauma and autism spectrum. It has nothing to do with talking with random idiots.
You also presume as if all people are angels and saints and that they are not evil. You believe that other people are god like figures whom we must worship and hoover with talking? I don't understand what is the point of this talking concept that you try to explain here.
Plus,
You presume that all people are neurotypicals. Obsessed with talking and parties.
Well - there are people who are neurodivergent and they are not thinking that drinking and chatting with random jerks is top notch living.
Also you presume as if other people are necessary for us to feel good about ourselves. This is called External locus of control and this leads to mental illness - like borderline disorder and narcissism.
Plus,
social anxiety can be Masked and made Functional. There are people with social anxiety who actually do talk - yet trauma and Autism spectrum is still not revealed and understood.
For example, Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety yet his social anxiety was Functional so he performed in front of billions of people without problem and setbacks, made movies and videos and Tv interviews. Yet his unresolved trauma behind functional social anxiety ended in tragedy. The same applies to Prince and Whitney Houston.
So this talking "cure" that you talk about for 8 minutes - is not panacea for social anxiety. It is a form of social mask. Narcissistic mask which psychopaths use to be greedy and exploit others and manipulate and control them.

YT "Fix your social anxiety, what you’re missing out on
"

Mission of improving oneself is narcissism and mental illness. It stems from deep psychological disorder when person believes he is abnormal and sick - so he overcompensate this belief with overcompensations of self improvement.

Talking with random people or confidence is not cure for anything. This is called Social Mask - and psychopaths and narcissists and scammers use this a lot to hoax other people.

You don't mention what happens when the other person is in some kind of power position - like job or family or bureaucracy (law) and when such person is toxic and aggressive - and you can't quit contact with such psychopaths due to lack of finances. Like real life.

Dominant person in the world is patriarchy ideology. It is build on chaste and it is highly dysfunctional to believe in inferiority or superiority complex - both of which are part of mental illness. Patriarchy is behind racism, too.

In your world evil people do not exist. And you fix this issue with being a leader and being dominant, masculine and stoic. What happens when this is not possible? Then what, you will feel depressed and suicidal? Being a leader and dominant is called External locus of control - your mood and self of worth depend on other people and their approval.

This is the problem of self improvement and stoicism. You believe that self improvement means dominance and being a leader.
Well, being a leader and being dominant means having responsibilities and being wise and intelligent and it means doing more and more.
Since this is hard for anyone - this desire to bring to table and to be dominant soon turns into greed and exploitation and tyranny. That is why narcissism is mental illness.

YT "“How can I help my socially anxious teenager and how did you get over it?”
"

So much confusing messages here.
Typical for CBT.

So basically you are telling us that Rat race is amazing way of living your life,
and that we must become corporate slaves who must be silent and pretend that mobbing does not exist while corporations are making money on our silence and obedience?

You never had social anxiety at all - you were shy. Socially anxious people do not have friends - due to social anxiety. They do not go out because of social anxiety - which is result of Autism spectrum, trauma and toxic ambient of bullies.
And you had horrible parents. If they cannot finance a 16 yo child - why did they decide to have children to begin with? To show off babies to neighbors?

1) IFS Model - it helps understanding the conflicting thoughts which are fragmented into different conflicting parts. This will prevent self pathologizing and create focus for unity and harmony and balance and self compassion.
2) Nothingness concept by Sam Vaknin. His playlist explains a lot about reality, reality testing and how we appear in other people's eyes is - nothing and meaningless so anxiety naturally vanish
3) Autism spectrum - stimulation overload explains the panic part - which CBT and DSM are pathologizing and misdiagnosing it as distortion.
-
The single most important issue for traumatized people is to find a sense of safety in their own bodies.
🟦 Bessel A. van der Kolk
-
Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.
Dr. Bessel can der Kolk

feel safe with other people = mental health

You mix up being social with social anxiety.
People can be very much social and still have social anxiety.
Just because you are talking - this does not mean that social anxiety is gone.

(14.3.2024)

I discovered that Victimhood mentality (TIV) helped me a lot to identify this hidden part which is extremely hard to detect, describe and see as it is.
TIV is extremely painful information for anyone gone through ACE and ACoA because on the surface it appears as if we are the guilty ones for being exposed to harassment. But in reality - TIV provides us insight in our own behavior and beliefs while in the same time it allows us to detect toxic people around us who are having TIV personality and then exploit our urge to be codependent and fix other people's invented problems.

Parentified children as said in 5:00 - that is the cause of TIV. We end up believing due to anchoring bias that our reality is to serve and people please other people and fix their problems - so any toxic person will enjoy our urge to hop around them and be obedient server to their needs and their dysregulation.

I find Sam Vaknin Nothingness playlist as complimentary to IFS Model. It addresses complexities which psychology cannot grasp with simple mindset of existentialism and eastern philosophies, by giving up on the Rat race and western societal corruption - that causes the inner parts to be fragmented and traumatized in the first place..

15.3.2024

YT "Intrusive Thoughts: Debunking Myths and Embracing Coping Strategies | The Universal Experience?
"

I see it like this:
intrusive thoughts are by-products of being exposed to evil people such as narcissists and their assault.
Toxic people are very manipulative. This means - they will nitpick our mistakes and errors and present them as us being evil. This way they will use our empathy against us, our desire not to harm anyone.
The toxic person - all that he or she needs to do is to blame and guilt trip us into toxic shame and feeling guilt and self blame.
Toxic people are pathological liars - and since most of us are not abnormal and sick - we won't suspect that the other person is mentally ill and evil. Instead we will believe in their lies and blame ourselves.
When we experienced ACE and ACoA in our childhood - this process of self blame will generate inner critic.
Hence - intrusive thoughts.
It is important to see that the problems with intrusive thoughts stem from toxic people who trigger our neurodivergent, traumatized brain that already is wounded from the criticism in childhood, being exposed to mentally ill parents and environment of toxic shame.
When we were being told from the childhood that we are only worthy when we people please violent and hysterical people - we will develop attachment issues in adulthood - and we will attract and feel safe with unsafe people. This way we will believe that our job must be the one where there is mobbing - since this is environment that feels normal and healthy to us - due to AcoA and ACE. This way - we will attract toxic people all through our lives due to unhealed and unprocessed trauma - and the only way to know that this is truth - is our intrusive thoughts.
Intrusive thoughts are symptoms of childhood trauma and being exposed to toxic people.

This way - mindfulness will not help us much - because toxic people are triggering us.
CBT will not help because CBT is ableist therapy that is censoring trauma and explains any disorder as brain abnormality - adding more and more toxic shame on top of the existing one.
Exposure will not help at all - because we do not have tools to handle toxic people - we never learned in childhood to love ourselves and to keep ourselves safe and to cut contact with toxic people. Instead we learned to people please them, to fawn to them and to think of them like gods whom we must worship in codependency and victim mentality (TIV).

YT "HOW TO HEAL FROM CODEPENDENCY
"

She is a good explainer about trauma. However the solution she offers is not good.
Because she ignores the toxic people in power (psychopaths and narcissists). That are is something she ignores and denies since she has BPD.
With BPD people believe that the boundaries are the only tool to make oneself safe - due to trauma in childhood.
BPD person sees the world through black and white lens, called splitting.
Unfortunately - this strategy of scapegoating our brain as being "weak" and "coward" that we heal by being "strong" does not work because:

"If you have been the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system, the concept of setting a boundary is laughable. You would be telling them exactly how to hurt you, and they would happily oblige. Also, trying to set a boundary in a calm and tactful way would be met by resistance in the form of mocking and ridicule, attempting to bait the scapegoat into anger, which would prove you are the problem."
YT kingbee9778

Boundaries will make things worse in toxic ambient - and when we are codependent - this is not because of our inability to set boundaries.
Due to BPD she believes that boundaries are the solution. Yet - boundaries means more of trauma and attack from abnormal sick people who love power and manipulation and harming other people.

This is the central problem: "healing from codependency"-
This is where social anxiety coaches are doing incredible psychological damage to us - because they mislead us into wrong alley.
Borderline people believe that the world is giant competition place, like narcissists, they believe in dog-eat-dog world where we must be in constant state of hypervigilance.
In reality - being agreeable is Top5 personality trait - without it, we would become toxic person without empathy.

When we struggle with so-called "codependency" - what is happening actually is that we are being exposed to toxic people and toxic ambient - and our job is to leave and cut contact or minimize contact until we leave , until we have project how and when to exit safely without drama and without hysteria.

This is something that La Pera doesn't explain at all, because she is heavily invested in her borderline fantasy - where she believes that we "heal" only through Crusades and Holy wars and Spanish Inquisition by blaming other people for our own adult responsibilities in life.
-
"I feel gaslighted by the therapy mantras of “ you have to teach people how to treat you “ ,(setting boundaries). No you don’t and no you can’t. First of all, it’s not my job to teach an adult how to behave like one and quite frankly, it’s a trap and a drain hole. Secondly, I DON’T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE. They will do what they want, especially if they have the tiniest ounce of power over you."
YT gertrudewest4535

Becoming independent is another extreme of the same spectrum of codependency.
The solution is interdependence. Not developing attachment styles issues as La Pera proposes in her hidden borderline delusion issues..

YT "High Functioning Autism (What You Don’t See!)
"

"Buhu, poor me. Life is hard for everyone. Stop whining and complaining."
Yes!
With any behavior that neurotypicals stigmatize, we will tend to develop Victimhood Mentality - plus there is a high chance of developing some sort of narcissistic disorder and borderline too - due to CBT that will pathologize stimulation overload as panic and something shameful.
Then we will develop toxic shame - which is the motor into mental illness, narcissism and borderline spectrum such as Quiet BPD which does not appear as borderline at all. CBT is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone with neurodivergent brain. And yet CBT is worshipped.

YT "Why autism is DIFFERENT from narcissism
"

Correct. There are absolutely no research or talk or explanation or study - how much damage mentally ill parent do to their children - and that children end up being diagnosed and misdiagnosed, carrying forced stigma by DSM and CBT that totally ignores the ACE and ACoA - but instead medical industry forces children of mentally ill parent to carry their parent's diagnosis as their own for the rest of their lives.
The damage that mentally ill parent does to his children snowballs into more and more injustice and tragedy.

YT "Why autism is DIFFERENT from narcissism
"

I am having a breakthrough moment here.
I was convinced that I do not have empathy issues and that I can function socially. HOWEVE in real life, when faced with angry, moody people - I get dysregualted -which CBT and DSM labels as social anxiety - but this is in fact is autism spectrum.
When I am in safe environment I functional like any other neurotypical person.
YET if I am in stressful ambient, shaming ambient, where there is some tyrannical person in power or authority that can fire me or do damage in some way or another - I do not know how to act, and I have severe problem with reading other person - and usually I go with self blame and fawning that ends up as codependency and being stuck with toxic people.
I was convinced until now that this is social anxiety issue - but it is trauma - and it is connected to autism spectrum.
CBT and DSM are doing incredible psychological damage - because it explains the panic and anxiety and fears and being a coward and as a cognitive distortion - which adds more trauma and more anxiety and more stigma - and it is not accurate.
I am not feeling panic at all - what I feel is stimulation overload.
And this is a huge difference in perspective.
CBT and DSM brainwashes me into inferiority complex, that I feel inept and abnormal and severely different from "normal" people and that I must invest incredibly large amount of energy to be normal.
Whereas stimulation overload explanation - does not burden me at all. I do not end up with toxic shame that CBT is promoting - and I can easily regulate much quicker than with CBT explanations.

I call this Double binding and Dualism.
This is the tool how toxic people brainwash, manipulate and control honest, authentic and empathic people into toxic shame and guilt.
Toxic person - all he needs to do is to misdiagnose, misconstrue someone and shame them with weaponized psychology into subordination, silence and censorship.

17.3.2024

YT "The shame people feel when they come from narcissistic families
"

"I thought that I was the problem. "
Yes. Toxic people do this by targeting our mistakes, errors, flaws, imperfections, lack of knowledge, lack of experience, then they extract these and blow them out of proportion and use these as a proof that we are incompetent and that we are the sole problem in the universe, that our core identity is the same as these flaws and then naturally we will feel shame and guilt -
this will make us hide and mask our mistakes, and it will set us up to develop perfectionism and rumination and living in hypervigilant state - constant stress.
Truth is that mistakes are parts of lives - we learn from them, mistakes are good.
We do not make mistakes out of boredom or due to desire to harm someone - we simply lack experience or know-how or money to make it better. So it is unfair that mistakes are weaponized against us as tool to keep us censored and pruned.
We will build identity on this microaggressions - like people pleaser and fixer and trauma bond with angry people who always find faults.
It is great to learn from mistake and it is amazing to be aware of errors - HOWEVER toxic people do not do this out of altruism.
They find errors and mistakes as a part of coercive control, manipulation and harassments to extract obedience from the target.
From our point of view - we will try hard not to make mistakes, we will try hard no to be burden - so toxic people will literally mold us into passive, afraid person who is neurotic and filled with panic and social anxiety. We will become codependent since we won't have opportunity to build our identity and our persona.
To build our self worth and our Self identity and Ego - we need a trace of narcissism and not caring about making mistakes - because that is the only way to grow and to experiment and to risk. Without ability to explore - we will be doomed living in prison, at a leash like a dog that is obedient to its servant - and that is what toxic people do.
They condition other people to be trained to be slaves to them - and nice kind empathic people are excellent target due to our ability to feel shame and guilt and our moral and ethical standards are used against us, they turn our ability to learn from mistakes as a weapon to keep us trauma bonded and afraid and ashamed.
So one way out is that we become narcissistic and toxic ourselves - through screaming and yelling and attacking - so that is when toxic people will say - here - they were right all the time, we are abnormal and they are correct always and they know how to handle evil people like us.

I see no other solution but to cut contact - and to learn how toxic people function so that we do not feel toxic empathy and restore contact with them later on.
Toxic people regulate by putting other people down - this is their conscious choice how they choose to behave - they are aware of it and they cannot hide behind automatic behavior or diagnosis or some excuse. They are evil.

(18.3.2024)

YT "when I pull up to the social anxiety competition
"

It is not anxiety at all. CBT is lying to us. It is stimulation overload, it is autism spectrum.
CBT sets us up to worry even more and to develop toxic shame (deep self hatred, deep self rejection and deep core belief that we are abnormal and inept in comparison with non anxious people).
Symptoms of stimulation overload are the same as for fears, anxiety and panic and CBT does not give a damn to clarify it - so it over-generalize us and place us into box that is easy to label and manipulate about and around.

We can easily start to build a personality around CBT diagnosis and then act accordingly with what is expected of us - even when there is no danger, we will choose to act in accordance with our stigma and what we feel is our character.
This is called Victimhood Mentality (TIV).

YT "🔊 STRUGGLING WITH SOCIAL OVERLOAD ANXIETY 🙉💥 Welcome to the Aspie World Channel, where we tackle th
"

CBT is misleading us with misdiagnosis.
It is not anxiety - it is stimulation overload. Big difference.
The label "anxiety" will create Victimhood personality (TIV) - which means we will start to act like victim and when there is no danger we will deliberately choose what we believe is our supposed character and supposed choices and decisions. While in reality we have complete control over making decisions which are risky and new.

On the other hand - Stimulation Overload is neutral - it does not set us up to be silent or aggressive. We now can simply observe our so called anxiety as neurodivergent brain processing past trauma and our neurodivergent brain trying to make sense of new incoming data by processing each in a single file - making us appear to third party as "anxious".
Then their label will make us anxious - not because we have anxiety but because other people will define us and we will believe them since we lack insight in Autism spectrum and information about CPTSD and data about narcissism and toxic people manipulation and coercive control.

"whole event plays again in my head"
This is called Stimulation Overload.
Our neurodivergent brain works this way - because it wants clarity and sorted facts in order to make sense of reality.
This is the gift, not curse.
If we do not learn how to prune off un-important data - we will easily get stuck in analysis paralysis.

See Sherlock Holmes - he used his gift of data processing for his job and he was successful in it.

"but I remember them for years"+
"and think they're mad at me"
This is called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - learn from vids how other people struggle with this too.
Sharon Saline, PsyD explained how she remembers an event 20 years ago when she was with her small child at some volunteer event and she faced group of dismissive snobbish mothers there -and she can clearly remember what they wear then, it is stuck clearly in her memory.

This is how neurodivergent brain works. It is a gift - we can learn how to discard unimportant information and use our gift in our projects and goals in life - most people cannot do this and they are mediocre.
This ability is like having Star Trek Data in our brain, quantum computer - we simply need to learn how to operate it - by learning psychology and narcissism.
So that we can recognize toxic people and get in habit of discarding their data which is like Trojan Horse running wreck to our computer system.

"Stop being so self focused. " +
"Focus on others and get out of your head." +
"Learn to focus more on others than yourself."

But you are not listening to her. Ironically you are not focused on other person at all, you repeat the mantra that CBT told us to believe. CBT is ableist therapy and it is doing incredible psychological damage to neurodivergents, I have no idea why is so popular in Autism and ADHD - it is like Nazi HQ and we live in pre 1945 Berlin, going to CBT to explain us human rights. Well - they will send us to camps to silence us.

Neurodivergent brain cannot be stopped.
If we have this ability to stop like neurotypicals - we would done it millions years ago already.
When we get in this idea of stopping something - we will make it worse and think about it more - what we resist, persist.

We are already focused on other people - this is why we end up with so called social anxiety. What we need is the opposite - to stop other people's opinion affecting our way of thinking and processing information.
Other people's especially NT ones are like Trojan Horses to our computer brain - it wrecks havoc and causes stimulation overload due to unnecessary and repetitive worries and hysteria that other people produce out of sheer boredom, their fun or sadism.

It is not anxiety at all - it is over stimulation.
CBT is placing labels on us which are misdiagnosis and this label makes anxiety so much worse - because CBT sets us up to build Victimhood mentality (TIV) with the "anxiety" label.

Amazing comment!
I love yt commentary - there are always some hidden gems here - and I always take copy past and snapshot of those to put on my social media!
People like you are like angels!
There are so many smart and kind and nice people out there but they are too afraid to speak up their opinion which may be contrary to groupthink, herd mentality and CBT tyranny - so they keep silent - and then neurodivergent fall easily to prey of hoax and scammers and dumb people who repeat what DSM is lying to them.

"Therapy can teach her coping skills, and the earlier she starts the better.

"

"Coping skills" are usually masked as conformity and groupthink and herd mentality, which festers into people pleasing and fawning and more of "social anxiety" - inability to say No, inability to express own genuine opinion.
CBT ought to be banned - it is doing incredible psychological damage to "socially anxious".

"She just need time❤"

Toxic corporation world does not allow time. Money and Rat Race is more important than empathy and human lives

YT "Why mindfulness isn't reducing your social anxiety
"

I see it like this:
"social anxiety" is autism spectrum. It is stimulation overload - and it is not anxiety at all. These two appear the same but they are different.
With stimulation overload it is neutral and we can find ways to express ourselves despite overload.
With "anxiety" label we are ashamed and we develop inner critic which will create Victimhood mentality persona (TIV) - and now we will stop expressing ourselves due to imposed brainwashed belief that we are abnormal and sick.

When we regard "social anxiety" as Autism spectrum - we get more tools how to handle mysterious emotions that appear as panic.
Autism spectrum also explains that mindfulness will not help - because neurodivergent brain is already processing all the reality that is happening. IT is working in full mode already.
What is needed is the opposite - becoming numb to toxic people who are drainers and who install Trojan Horse repetitive unnecessary worthless executive programs in our mind to process. This needs to be pruned off - and we need to focus on our project, task, goal, needs instead.
It is toxic people as the factor that are creating stimulation overload.

" I’m autistic and I said what I said.
And both can be true. Overstimulation can cause anxiety."

This is simply not true.
You are confabulating reality and try to force Victimhood mentality (TIV) in order to gain sympathy from the others.
If I am anxious, then other people won't be rude to me.
Well, they will. In fact - we will attract plethora of impulsive borderliners and narcissists when we play on social mask of being "anxious".
Anxiety like anger is quick short term emotion that quickly transforms into something else when we are emotionally healthy and when we are in sane healthy ambient surrounded by healthy people.
When there is imbalance - such as exposure to narcissists - we will stay stuck in "anxiety" mode - which is nothing else but Autistic Shutdown and Stimulation Overload.
It is CBT ableist therapy that keeps us sick with misdiagnosis and wrong labels.

YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
"

CBT is horrible ableist therapy that is creating mental illness in neurodivergent individuals.
What we feel is not anxiety neither fear - we are experiencing stimulation overload and autistic shutdown.
Exposure to toxic people will not make us neither strong nor courageous - because emotions that we feel appear as fear panic and anxiety but they are not.
When we listen to CBT - we will create false fake persona based on diagnosis and symptoms. This leads to narcissism and BPD.
-

YT "Breaking Free: The Journey to Overcoming Social Anxiety 🌈 | Your Roadmap to Confidence! #BreakTheSt
"

Social anxiety is not the same as lack of confidence.
Social anxiety can be masked and functional.
Social anxiety is not fears - it is autistic shutdown and it has nothing to do with being strong or courageous.
-

YT "5 Strategies for Overcoming Social Anxiety
"

1) relaxation will never work when we are emotionally dysregulated. Attempting to deny and mask our reaction to toxic people will make everything worse - not better.
2) Exposing ourselves to toxic people and toxic ambient will not make us desensitized at all. Instead we will become codependent, people pleasers and pushovers.
3) Challenging our thoughts will make it worse. What we resist it persists. Ironic Processing theory - the more we try not to think of pink elephant it will become our sole focus in life to think about.
4) Therapist base their "knowledge" about social anxiety on CBT and DSM which are ableist and create mental illness in neurodivergents experiencing autistic shutdown.
5) "Socially anxious" are already focused a lot of on present moment. Idea that we turn to victories and competition is toxic patriarchy and Rat Race. That leads to more of mental instability.
Social anxiety is Autism spectrum, it is Stimulation Overload. Idea that we must overcome it will lead to toxic shame and mental illness - rejection of our core Self.

YT "How do you overcome social anxiety? #anxiety #introvert #extrovert #podcast #adultingaf #fyp
"

Social anxiety is not the same as introversion.
Extroverts suffer from social anxiety, too.
Social anxiety is autism spectrum. We are being lied to by CBT and DSM and self help books and social anxiety coaches who make money on our trauma and ND brain.

YT "Try these 4 things out to help get rid of that annoying social anxiety! #anxiety #socialanxiety
"

1) sitting in bar and talking to people will not help at all - it will create plethora of problems such as people pleasing, fawning, codependency and depending on other people to regulate our emotions and feel good about ourselves. Horrible advice,
plus we will annoy strangers who have better quality time spend than wasting their energy on someone who potentially might be a criminal.
Bartender must talk with customers 24/7. If nobody is in the bar - that is his alone time to recuperate from alcoholics, addicts and mentally ill people. Why would we destroy his desperately needed peace?
2. Complimenting someone will be interpreted as us being psychopaths and sociopaths, social predators who have hidden agenda to exploit someone. Commenting someone's clothes is extremely intrusive and rude - it is none of our business how people dress. Glib charm is number one trait of criminally insane psychopaths - this is how they lure in the new victims.
3. Talk to 3 women is promiscuous and predatory. We will scare normal and healthy people and in the same time we will attract mentally ill borderliners who are depending on someone's compliments and attention.
4) Going alone to places at 10, 11 pm is really not sane advice - especially not in America or criminal city hubs in EU.
Please, just stop.

YT "This is One Root Cause To Social Anxiety!
"

1) it is not panic attack - it is stimulation overload. Big difference.
2) thinking to be ugly is toxic shame. Toxic shame is not false belief - this is operant conditioning installed in ACoA and ACE dysfunctional ambient.
3) This is not false belief - it is real belief installed by mentally ill parent - narcissists or undiagnosed Asperger's.
4) If we are not anti-social, there is nothing to fix.
5) Deep breathing will not help at all - because the threat is real. IT is not imaginary - toxic people really exist.
6) Reviewing our thoughts and pathologizing them will lead to toxic shame and self hatred and belief that our personality is DSM diagnosis.

YT "DESTROY Your Social Anxiety FAST by doing THIS!!
"

Do you have scientific research and scientific proof for this energy ideology and energy points?
If this is not something measurable in a scientific lab - this is slippery slope path to delusions and paranoia and even schizofrenia.
Social anxiety is not bad.
Without social anxiety we will become serial killers and Trumps and Putins, we will not care how other people feel and we won't care how our behavior is affecting other people.
Without social anxiety we will smell bad and we will masturbate in public and taking number 2 in streets like Diogenes in Ancient Greece.
Without social anxiety we will become slobs - we need other people to warn us when we are abnormal and annoying and disgusting and narcissistic.
Socially anxious are already very much aware and hyper aware of thoughts and ambient - which is toxic.
You do not mention manipulators and pathological liars and people with evil agenda and their effect on us when they lie to us to scam us or enjoy in sadism.

Idea that we become strong energetic being that is superior and without feelings - is narcissism and psychopathy and unmanaged autism. Inability to be vulnerable - is patriarchy and mental illness.

(19.3.2024)

YT "Re-Entering the Workplace w/ RSD Discussion & RAIN Meditation Application
"

Disciplining a person with RSD (CBT idea of nitpicking our stories, questioning what we believe) is the same as scrubbing the hands for the fear of having germs to someone with Germ OCD and who has spent 2 or 3 hours at least washing his or her hands without any break. Over-done to the max.
Anyone who is older than 18 years old - RSD is not imagination as CBT explains social anxiety. It is real. Toxic people do exist. Psychopaths do wear social mask to attract new narc supply. Manipulators will excel when they find a perfect target: someone who is willing to blame oneself and someone who is stigmatized by DSM and CBT that his or her brain is hallucinating danger and is willing to self flagellate and to normalize the coercive control.
Sometimes things do not have solution and our attempt to find solution to something that there is none - is autism spectrum.
I see solution in Sam Vaknin Nothingness concept.

(20.3.2024)

"I dont feel everyone hates me. Its more they dont care / want to connect with me. Im just an npc."

If other person doesn't care or if he/she doesn't want to connect with you - the reason behind is the hate. Hate comes in spectrum like any other emotion. Small dosage of hatred means not caring about other people and not feeling trust to connect to other person.

YT "Does the Borderline Miss You? Object Constancy Theory
"

I would dare to say that this inability to see reality, that this is autism spectrum issue, too.
I accentuate autism because learning about autism would explain a lot of confusing thoughts which CBT quickly labels and ironically over-generalize as "cognitive distortion" without offering any explanation where these "distortions" are stemming from.
Another dare preposition of mine is to claim that we learn this irrational thinking when we are exposed to irrational people in childhood, who censor and attack and punish our questions and investigation and our attempts to see reality and check it - this is pruned off via yelling and screaming and hysteria of mentally ill parent. So we learn instead of talking and communicating - we fill up the blanks - because we are conditioned not to ask and not to communicate with other people and investigate when things are murky and demand clarification.

"That’s just a general BPD thing. Most of us do that."

To some extent. Impulsive borderliners will eventually drop the mask - when the other person is empathic and nice and won't fight back. Then impulsives will drop the nice act and show their true colors.
Quiet BPD won't. They will keep on hanging on to mask even when they have every right to fight back and to be rude to extremely rude people, always wearing a smile and nice pleasant chatter with toxic people who do not deserve this at all.

(21.3.2024)

"For me anxiety is the fear of feeling shame without warning"
I would investigate crucial questions here:
1) shame about what? My appearance? My intellect? My looks? My financial status? What is the focus of shame exactly? My errors? Flaws? Imperfections?
2) Who would shame me? Unknown person? Am I ashamed by someone who does not know me? Is it family member? Is it person in authority and someone who has power over me like to fire me from job or remove me from safe place?
3) Why would someone's opinion have so much control over me? Where I learned this? Where I was conditioned to perform circus tricks?
4) Is shame related to my toxic behavior? Am I hurting others? Do I attack them?
5) What defenses did I develop in order not to feel shame? Do I stay at home? Do I refer off from taking any risks?

In most situations we do not feel shame all the time.
Shame usually happens in toxic ambient and around toxic people - and predators are using shame as a tool to control and manipulate other people. CBT does not explain this to us at all. Instead we are being told that we are abnormal and crazy for having "cognitive distortions" and that we need to self flagellate and analyze ourselves to death and our thoughts as reactions to toxic people who walk away free from the crime scene, whistling and laughing at us.

Over sharing is called Fawning and it is trauma response. It is people pleasing and being pushover. We learned this defense mechanism as reaction to abnormal and sick and untreated mentally ill people around us while growing up - those who could not regulate themselves - so we experienced their regular intervals of borderline punishment, hysteria and aggression - the only way to survive this was to have open border policy and allow all Trojan Horses in the world to enter our sacred ground, inner self.

(22.3.2024)

" when you do not really know how to answer to people who asks you"
This is:
1) Autism spectrum - when we do not read social clues, we don't know how to respond to question and we feel confusion and embarrassment about who we are, social anxiety is part of High-Functioning Autism but CBT and DSM are hiding this because we are much easier to exploit and farm and milk when we are given nonsense explanations about social anxiety from ableist DSM
2) It is intrusive people who are causing shame. Toxic people know how to embarrass other people for the purpose of making others feel small and inferior. This gives toxic people (narcissists, impulsive borderliners. undiagnosed Asperger's) a sense of superiority and this is how they emotionally regulate when they feel embarrassed - they simply attack others and shift shame onto others.
Then socially anxious (autism spectrum) people are excellent targets - because toxic neurodivergents such as narcissists know exactly which button must be pressed to trigger other neurodivergents into spiral of shame.

"the nerve wracking part for me but once im inside im good"
This is connected to shyness too.
Shy people feel nervous before - but once they are in social situations, shyness goes away and they do not have burden of shame and guilt anymore.

I noticed that toxic neurodivergents such as narcissists know exactly what words and phrases must be spoken in order to ashame others into toxic shame and guilt. This way they fulfill their personality disorder compulsions of manipulating others, controlling others and sadism in seeing other people feel embarrassed.

YT "Narcissistic Parents: Dirty Ways they Will Sabotage Your Detachment Process
"

I learned it is Asperger's. Undiagnosed Asperger's parent is identical to a narcissist.
The clue that differentiate from narcissist are rules - that something must be done exactly on time, there are OCD routines related to time.
Another clue is hyper sensitivity to sounds, light, air like windows or doors must be opened.
Everything else is the same as narcissism - constant chronic relentless criticism 24/7 and nitpicking errors, inability to regulate when something unknown happens. And treating family as trash and object to use and discard and hate when not needed-

I also misread his comment, I read the first few words and it appeared as shaming.
this is how we are conditioned to miss social clues and cues. Narcissistic abuse mold our brain to become autistic spectrum where we are unable to read other people and hang on to basic shame that caused it in the first place.
We literally must detach and cut contact with Asperger's parents, that appear the same as narcissists. They mess up our brain and turn it into socially anxious mush, being trapped in hamster wheel.

YT "You are entitled to being angry with your abusive parents | #shorts
"

Anger was totally unknown emotion to me - I stuffed it down.
Much later I learned there is name for this : Quiet BPD.
With education in narc - I learned that the reason for not allowing anger - was being punished and threatened to be punished if we did express our opinion that may come across as anger. Chronic punishment, exposure to chronic criticism and put downs is called Operant Conditioning in psychology - it is no different than Pavlovian dogs who salivate when they hear bells.
I also learned that toxic narcissistic parent is actually undiagnosed Asperger's - and the only difference from narcissism is that the mentally ill parent will be preoccupied with time, routine, and there will be anger and mood swings related to certain music, hyper-sensitivity to sounds. Anything else is the same as narcissism - like treating family members as objects and trash.

YT "Hope Without Action Will Make You Sick
"

This one is tricky.
What "action" means exactly?
Like cutting toxic contacts?
When we do not have finances, it will be difficult to take action. Such as quitting toxic job or leaving toxic country. Or leaving toxic family.
If we live in shame culture country, action will be exposure to chronic criticism and mind games and pathological liars.
So if we end up blaming ourselves for avoidance, for not taking action - we will miss the toxic ambient that keeps us being passive because it is toxic and we are not responsible for people being toxic or system being toxic.
If some person lives in slum part of city - taking any kind of action will be enmeshed with drug addicts and mafia criminals.
If some person is in the prison - or prison-like institution or job - taking any kind of action will be restricted by the institution where this person is.

Sometimes there are no solutions. And we are suppose to be victim to be stuck in victim role, and there is no way out.

(23.3.2024)

YT "OCD Thoughts are Not Trying to Keep You Safe
"

What I discovered in past years after I discovered CPTSD which opened quantum physics details which previously I could not observe with CBT and DSM -
is that OCD is part of Autism.
Autism spectrum comes in large plethora of symptoms - and we do not need to have DSM description of Autism to have some traits.
In Autism there is special interest - and that is OCD.
Also,
another phenomena that CBT and DSM are not telling us - is that we change persona. If we are under stress and in toxic ambient, when we are under narcissistic campaign with accusations and pathological lying - we will develop and externalize issues like OCD - which are nothing else but Autism spectrum, High Functioning Autism.
What we see as panic that drives OCD - is actually autistic shutdown and stimulation overload.
This way - when we know it is not some unknown entity that lives inside us that creates OCD - we can observe OCD as how brain works. And we can actually do something more about it.
We can use these parts to be hyper aware of job and task at hand. Similar to IFS Model where we unburden traumatized parts inside us and make them useful instead of self-sabotaging.
At any job - paid job - we will be paid to be OCD - to be obsessive about repetitive task. And we will be fired if we are not good in OCD at work and project and task given to us to perform.

25.3.2024

Social anxiety is better - it means we see reality as it is - and it is scary. Being more aware of the world.

YT "🗣 SOCIAL ANXIETY: COMMUNICATION STRUGGLES 🌟 Social anxiety can be overwhelming, making even the sim
"

It is not large crowds. It is narcissism and aggression and anti-social behavior from the crowds like mocking, being intrusive.

YT "Mysterious Mystical Monster: Social Anxiety | Hiya Vasani | TEDxYouth@JBCNBorivali
"

"The daily facade of perfection on social media, amplifies her social anxiety, pushing her to be an idealized version of herself."
Plato ideal forms.
Then inner critic attacks us when we do not attain the perfectionism through tyranny of shoulds.

"Negative thoughts loomed over my mind until I realized that no one cared but me."
This is half truth.
There are toxic people who do care how to put others down and how to exploit and parasite on other people (where we become narcissistic supply).

"Unlike shyness, social anxiety interferes with an individual's ability to perform daily chores or make conversation. Art and dance were healthy way to displace my anxiety."
That is true - however this does not help when we are stuck in Rat Race and mobbing at toxic work - where we become trapped in hamster wheel due to overcompensation to appear strong and socially confident in other people's eyes.

" You define your own worth and no one else."
Yes. Loss of self worth is causing social anxiety issues - because due to ACE and ACoA we end up depending on other people to approve and validate us. We do not believe that we are worthy to validate ourselves.

YT "How to Purposefully Reprogram Your Social Anxiety"

Narcissism. The root of social anxiety is narcissism because it starts as reaction to narcissistic abuse. ACoA and ACE.

YT "Unlearn Your Social Anxiety
"

Forcing ourselves to talk people is called Overcompensation and Masking.
It is form of narcissism - where we build a fake mask, fake image. We are not authentic, honest with people - we simply fake pretend to be someone else. That is why it feels not right. When we succeed in masking social anxiety - social anxiety is still there - but now it is called High-functioning social anxiety. Plus we are fake as person and we build fake persona around someone who is fake. This leads to being rude to others when we are being triggered and when other people criticize us - as social anxiety is fear of criticism and it is fear of expressing our own criticism - that now , when we are fake - will come out as narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury - since we are operating from a fake persona that is grandiose and super confident and depended on other people to feel good about oneself. This is not healthy - and can lead anti-social behavior, since we no longer have social blocker inside us that is social anxiety. Plus we spread social anxiety onto the next generation by being rude in social situations - since we have no social parts inside us that carry empathy and healthy guilt and healthy shame. We block these by being fake.
Like you said in the video:
"And when you put people on pedestal it makes you try to compensate. So you think you need to offer as much value as you see that person holding, in your mind. That's why when you see someone cool – you can't be yourself."

We see transactional relationships - because while growing up we never see healthy relationship when our brain and our personality was forming. Due to ACE and ACoA - having mentally ill parent who is critical all the time 24/7.
We did not learn transactional relationships nor walking on egg-shelves by our own.
These are programmed and conditioned beliefs - that occur in toxic childhood, in ACE and ACoA - when we are exposed to criticism 24/7 by parent who is mentally ill.
This is not something that we choose to believe or behave. This is childhood trauma, CPTSD after-effect. It is learned fear.
And since it occurs in childhood - it is probably connected to Autism spectrum.

I see social anxiety as Anxious-Avoidant attachment style. There is also avoidant part - and these two parts are in clash with each other.
Anxious - we want to be with people, avoidant - we want to avoid people who are toxic to us. That is why exposure will not help with social anxiety - because we will be in constant civil war between these two clashing styles.

Because - you do not mention in this video what happens when we are around toxic people. And when we do not have money or resources or freedom to cut contact with toxic people - and when we are stuck with them and their behavior.

YT "I BEAT Social Anxiety (and you can too)
"

"Social anxiety is not real because it is fear of being judged"
What happens when we are really being judged by someone - someone who is in some kind of power and authority over us?
Job, service, family - and they harass us - and we can't run away or block - because they are the only ones -
for example having toxic job where quitting this job is impossible due to financial struggles and not affording losing that job income.
What then?

"Ignore it and let is pass by"
When we ignore someone being violent and dangerous - they will interpret this as signal as green light to continue with anti-social behavior - since we are not telling anything. Real life is not so simple as we might tell to ourselves.

"Being mindful and present in situation is mediation"
It is very hard to perform meditation when we are doing certain task, job or when we are being accused of something untrue.

"Mediation will shape you into person who doesn't give a f* about what other people thinks about him"
That is psychopathy and narcissism. When we become unable to hear feedback - this is called personality disorder.
You are literally describing how to develop anti-social and mentally ill behavior.

"CBT"
is ableist therapy - and you can learn about hidden taboo history of CBT in BBC documentary called Century of Self. Psychoanalysis was abused by marketing to exploit people.
And you are describing the topic of that documentary - becoming self consuming and selfish Self, anti-social.

"I can approach anyone"
is also called high-functioning social anxiety. You simply mask and overcompensate it with narcissistic social mask - you basically created mental illness on top of the existing one.

"I did not realise this is something I have been doing my whole life. Wow. Thanks for the keys mate."

And you never question:
1) why you never self examined yourself (The phrase "the unexamined life is not worth living" is a well-known aphorism that has been attributed to the Greek philosopher, Socrates.)
2) how come that resources around you never told you things that are important to you? Confirmation bias can make sheep out of ourselves, anchoring us into mediocrity.

YT "The ONLY way to get rid of social anxiety
"

You are correct that safety mechanisms are detrimental because they keep us immobile and passive.
However - you are not examining why?

You are not much curious about it. That is not sign of mental health , lack of curiosity.
Why we started with safety coping mechanisms?
Why we never removed them?

Is it possible that we experienced Complex Trauma, ACE and ACoA?
Is there a free test to check ACE online? Where there is.

Are there toxic people around us who keep us stuck with coping mechanisms?
If so, what would happen if we remove safety mechanisms?
Would we lose our job?
If we live in poor country, where finding another job is not easy - is is worth to live homeless - just because we must not feel safe?

You talk in your videos as if safety mechanisms are scapegoat for difficulties in life.
But that is simply not true.

There are toxic people out there such as psychopaths who control and manipulate others - through gaslighting and various techniques.
Then - the true problem are toxic people. Not our reactions to them.

Personal growth = narcissism and psychopathy. Desire to control and manipulate others by becoming grandiose.

YT "How to Purposefully Reprogram Your Social Anxiety
"

Walk on egg-shelves is smoking gun that we are around either impulsive BPD person or narcissist. Toxic people causing social anxiety issues -and toxic people are highly manipulative and pathological liars that will make us doubt ourselves.

YT "Drowning while waiting for an OCD therapist?
"

I see OCD as Autism spectrum. It is how brain works, neurodivergent - and we can direct it to be useful.
At any kind of job - we will be paid to perform 8hours of OCD work - we will do repetitive tasks, we will worry about mistakes, and we will be punished if we do not worry about that repetitive task. Any working job is type of OCD. I am not sure that diagnosis are doing us good. We need understanding psychology more instead of weaponizing psychiatry to feel shame about daily life.

YT "Stop the Social #Anxiety post mortem.
"

Post mortem may be part of Autism spectrum and neurodivergent brain.
It also may be operant conditioning where we were programmed to worry - in childhood filled with ACE - that needs healing.

In both instances - idea to stop and redirect our programmed thoughts - will lead to more of anxiety and worry. Ironic Processing Theory.

I find it interesting that Dr Dodson, doctor who invented Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - he claims that RDS is different from social anxiety because according to him - in RSD there is post mortem, while according to him - in social anxiety there is no post mortem.
According to him, post mortem is sign of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.

YT "How To Overcome Social Anxiety
"

You are describing Self Consuming Self here. BBC Documentary Century of Self (2002) talks about how our trauma propel us to scapegoat ourselves and then we come up with various "solutions" which lead to consumerism and narcissism. We become preoccupied with our emotions and they become our GPS, instead of our desires, common sense, instinct and community..

Exposure therapy does not work - because social anxiety is part of High functioning Autism and CPTSD. There is mixture of trauma (ACE, ACoA) being exposed to relentless criticism 24/7 in childhood while our persona was developing and mixture of our neurodivergent brain that is highly intelligent - which means knowing more data than others - that can easily lead to fear and panic and overstimulation overload and analysis paralysis.

Unfortunately
in real world - there are toxic people who do care how we act and what we do. Toxic people are manipulators and pathological liars and they have agenda to exploit other people and to remove competition by putting others down in shameful hidden way.

After all - it is named social+anxiety. It means that anxiety stems from the social factor, social element. Toxic people who are intrusive and aggressive and dangerous. It is not called self anxiety. We are not afraid of ourselves.

Game of challenges - will work all until we encounter toxic people. Then the game will be over.
In real world - we will encounter scammers and pathological liars. And they will try to destroy us just for their sadism purposes (enjoying in other person's harm).

Idea of game challenges - are problem because we put other people in our external locus of control. We put other people as our gods that we depend on to feel good about ourselves. This leads to codependency and attachment styles issues.

Shutting our brain off - will not work - because we will start to make mistakes - which other people will laugh mock and attack - and this will lead to social anxiety panic overstimulation.

You are correct about shutting our brain and overthinking.
but this overthinking happens due to exposure to criticism while growing up.
This means that our brain never performed functional called synaptic pruning. Synaptic pruning is normal part of brain function where unnecessary memories are removed. We never had this - due to exposure to criticism and hysteria while growing up (ACE and ACoA). Now our brain is trained instead of pruning unnecessary data - to clog it. We become focused on details and then we overthink - because we have plethora of all data - especially those related to potential danger.
Overthinking is then a part of Autism spectrum too - and it is very bad idea to discipline ourselves to become neurotypical (person obsessed with talking and parties). It is bad because rejecting ourselves leads to permanent toxic shame - deep sense of being inept and abnormal and we will hate ourselves - which means totally new layers of social anxiety.

Real confidence - is when we accept ourselves as we are, with perks and quirks that other people may label as weird, or geek or dope.

Self help books are scam. They make authors rich - and the advice given in them leads to mental illness and anti-social behavior such as narcissism.

Synaptic pruning leads to less anxiety - but it also lowers our IQ.

10 millions spent on talking and parties?
Is that meaning of life? Getting drunk, eat and poop?

YT "You need to be more Social #socialanxiety #selfimprovement
"

So.. what you actually do with your "social skills"?
Do you contribute to your community?
Or do you use it to manipulate and control others?

You can't blame people not trusting others due to crime.
It is not matter of not talking - but it is issue of toxic world, toxic society, crime and psychopathic government that is obsessed with making profit and not about healing crime and mentally ill people who are anti-social and dangerous to their community - leading to general distrust and break up of society.

YT "you don't have social anxiety disorder you're just shy (angry rant)
"

When we read diagnosis - we might develop personality around this diagnosis.
When we read CBT DSM description of social anxiety: Fear of criticism,
the next time we are in toxic situation with toxic people - we will feel stimulation overload (due to autism spectrum and CPTSD) - and we will remember what DSM says what is social anxiety -that it is fear of criticism - and now we will start to behave as afraid person who is afraid of criticism. DSM will become self fulfilling prophecy.
In reality - social anxiety is also fear of expressing OUR OWN criticism. This means - we are now given the opportunity to talk back instead of being passive and afraid as DSM orders us to be and behave. With DSM we will develop narcissism - because we will overcompensate, we will create fake persona, fake social mask that is based on as reaction to other people - and we will not develop external referencing locus of control where our whole identity is mirror image of people whom we interact with.
This way DSM and CBT are making us mentally ill - we now developed narcissism and borderline disorder. Where we become person without true identity - we simply react to life and to people.
DSM and CBT explain social anxiety as panic - while in reality it is stimulation overload,

With DSM and CBT explanation - we will build persona around panic. We will become more panicked - afraid and ashamed of panic. We will develop self hatred and toxic shame towards ourselves - which means more of social anxiety and more of panic.
Whereas with stimulation overload explanation - we will have more peace and understanding and self love towards ourselves.

WE can observe OCD as diagnosis -
or as autism spectrum where person's brain working with special interests.
The first explanation hooks us on medication.
the second explanation gives us approval and direct us to use ocd as productive brain function.

In any job - we will be paid to behave like OCD person. We will be focused on one detail. We will be punished if we don't. If we make mistake - we will be scorned or fired. So any job is type of OCD. Any job will expect from us to be compulsive and obsessive about the given task or job or project.

Having children - we as parents must be obsessive and compulsive about the baby. Otherwise - we will neglect it and and up in prison when tragedy strikes.
Diagnosis are dangerous - it can lead to hamster wheel of weaponized psychiatry and developing victimhood mentality. While self help books and voodoo doctors make money on our diagnosis.

YT "How To Stop Caring What People Think #socialanxiety #stopcaring #opinions
"

1) toxic manipulative people in power and authority pay a lot attention due to people being their narc supply..
2) socially anxious are hyper focused on others due to previous bad experiences with toxic people. It is called social+anxiety. Anxiety stemming from the social element. IT is not called self anxiety.
3) toxic people are called toxic because they do damage to other people. Like getting fired from job, gossip, verbal abuse etc.

YT "How to overcome social anxiety
"

Obsession with social skills is neurotypical trait.
We do not make it more serious. If we have social anxiety - it is smoking gun that there are toxic people around us who make us feel insecure.
Someone is criticizing us and put us down in covert hidden or open manner and we normalize it.

YT "How To Delete Social Anxiety From Your Brain
"

What happens when other people really do judge us? When other people are toxic and dangerous and intrusive?
What then? When it is not in our head? When we do not make it all up? Should we avoid people? Should we isolate?
Should we allow other people to hurt and harm us and ignore the pain and being beaten up and exploited and mocked?
Of should we fight and become hysterical drama queens who scream at others all the time?

Plus,
I am not sure why do you feel that no social anxiety is good thing?
Without shame healthy dosage - we would be jerks, we would be unkind to other people, without thinking how our behavior is affecting others - then we would become narcissistic and sociopaths.

Let' say we are in toxic job with mobbing and bullying 24/7 from customers, boss and colleagues? And we are unable to quit this toxic job due to finances. What then?

(26.3.2024)

Regarding exposure - it will do severe damage to people with real social anxiety - which is nothing else but Autism spectrum.

The core problem with social anxiety is criticism and negative evaluation and our dysfunctional coping mechanisms which are automatic and cannot be changed with a mere exposure nor with logic. Exposure will only bring more of these dysfunctional mechanisms - and it can even end in suicide due to suicidal idealization as coping mechanism.

(27.3.2024)

This hatred part is problematic.
Hatred like any other emotion is transferable, it mutes and changes. When hatred stays, it is like puddle of water - it starts to stink and it fills with bacteria and rancour and anti-social sentiments. In order to he healthy - our emotions must flow. Being stuck in some emotion is sign of rigid thinking and rigid mindset - and this like clogged arteries will lead to all sorts of issues.
Normal healthy sane person - when he feels anger and hate - he does something about it, or not - depending if we it is under our control. And then hate becomes something else and we process the emotions. When we are determined to stay in certain emotion as a way to manipulate and control other people, this is called Victimhood mentality (TIV).

Think about it.
Diogenes in ancient Greece didn't have social anxiety.
So he smelled bad due to BO, he pooped and urinated in the street, he masturbated in the theatre and he slept like a dog in the street.
You are convinced that with artificial confidence - everybody will love you and validate you and accept you, as long as you have fake social mask on. That leads to more of social anxiety because you are fake and afraid of others seeing real you.
Instead of confidence - you end up being pushover and people pleaser, placing other people as your compass and measure of your worth.

(29.3.2024)

Self improvement based on toxic shame is narcissism.
Your motivation for mediation, exercise and journaling is not coming from intrinsic locus of control, from your own worth - but it comes as expectation to dominate over other people. That is narcissism. External locus of control.
You want to cover up your vulnerabilities, anything that you label as sissy and feminine and to replace it with fake facade in order to appear superior to everyone. That is narcissism.

1.4.2024

"I am usually ok socializing. It is after socializing that I can beat myself up for actual or imagined mistakes. "

But this is the key problem that nobody talks about.
Socializing is a broad term.
It is not the same as socializing with friends you care and they are safe.
It is not the same as socializing with someone who pretends to be friends because they have serious mental disorder like borderline or narcissism.
It is not the same as socializing with toxic job and mobbing with insults and attacks coming from boss , colleagues and customers and you can't quit this toxic ambient due to finances.
All three examples will leave person in different state of mind.
1) we won't feel social anxiety but stimuli overload
2) we will be confused about who we are due to amount of gaslighting and pathological lying and feel fear and panic that we might label as social anxiety - but it is really not anxiety but reaction to coercive control and manipulation
3) in third example - we have oppression and unfavorable life circumstances which may provoke feelings of what appears as panic or emotional overload - but in reality it is being enslaved and being surrounded by criminals who are sadists and get turned on by torturing other people who are beneath them.

In all three instances - label social anxiety wreck havoc with misdiagnosis and wrong labeling - telling us and instructing us to become victim and make martyr out of ourselves.

Little amount of stress is good for us - to keep us alive and to form our life and identity around what we like or dislike and plan our life accordingly without torturing ourselves with unnecessary suffering.
Problem with social anxiety is being in toxic stress - where there is manipulation, control, lying - so stimulation overload is due to criminal activity masked as criticism and socially accepted probing.

Problem is that we must.
If we want to pay our rent - we must interact with toxic people who will overload us with stimuli, drama, hysteria, false accusations and their narc attempt to feel good when putting other people down (us).

Maybe label anxiety is doing much more harm than we realize - we start to build false identity around it

I see the solution in recognizing and weeding out toxic people as much as we can,

"I don't socialize with a lot of people who gaslight me."
Problem with gaslighting is that target is not aware of it at all, that gaslighting is happening in the first place.
That is the whole point of gaslighting.

Idea to find happiness in other people is called External Referencing locus of control and it is found at the core of plethora of mental illness such as narcissism and borderline personality disorder. The idea that we cannot accept and validate ourselves as we are is called toxic shame being internalized - then we seek happiness and approval and admiration from the other people.
Predators, mentally ill people, evil people, narcissists - look out for such desperate people to harm, farm and exploit.

" with random people who have nothing to gain from talking to you other than the human connection"
Then narcissists, predators, psychopaths and impulsive borderlines come on stage.

This is romanticized perspective on socializing. It does not work in real life.
You see other people as they are all reliable narrators and that it is our duty to create fake social mask where we are happy and glad that someone is giving us time. And as if "bad" and moody people have to be rationalized away as they are having a bad day so it is okay for them to treat us like trash.
Normal, healthy, sane, secure person will never ever be rude to others - no matter what bad day they had, no matter how much their toxic boss mistreated them. No one has excuse for being a bad and evil person.
Someone who is in bad mood means that this person has bad mental health and they should be avoided, not fawned onto.

If we seek confidence in other people - this is called External Reference locus of control, narcissism, trauma bonding and it is the core of borderline personality disorder.
If we are unable to accept and validate ourselves as we are - with warts, flaws and all - we will never experience true core deep confidence.

If other people's emotions affect us - and haunt us - this means that we have trauma unprocessed inside us. And if it is not inspected - it will fester into narcissism or borderline personality disorder. The idea that we mask our emotions and reactions away as reaction to bad and evil and insecure people leads to mental illness.

Nope, we are not obliged to tend for other people's mood - and nope we are not responsible for their feelings. And nope, it is not healthy to feel confident as a reaction to some people being nice to us - if we do this, we will end up being codependent.

YT "Helpful tip for anyone that struggles with social anxiety. #facts #shorts #mental health
"

Visualizing a delusion and fantasy is called magical thinking - and it can end up as schizofrenia in worst case or paranoid delusion in mild case.
Reality checking means being connected to reality as it is.
If we suffer from what appears as social anxiety -then it means people around us are toxic for us. No amount of fantasy can stop them from being toxic to us.

YT "Helpful tip for anyone that struggles with social anxiety. #mental health #shorts
"

Nope. Exposure will not work for social anxiety and it will make it worse.
Social anxiety is High-Functioning Autism - and what appears as anxiety and panic to us is actually overstimulation overload of processing information around us. It is not pathology. It is neurodivergent mind in toxic settings and around toxic people.

YT "How To Clear Out Negative Energy If You Have Social Anxiety
"

Social anxiety is High-Functioning Autism. Instead of self help mumbo jumbo it would be much healthier to examine our identity, what we like and dislike - and cut contact with toxic people, than dancing around our so called symptoms.

All emotions are healthy and needed for daily functioning. That includes anger and disgust feelings that we may label as hate.
Positive bias means that when we look only for better and positive, we fail to learn from the negative - and then we will be doomed to repeat the same mistakes, since we never allowed ourselves to have processed them.

YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety: How Isolation Impacts Mental Health
"

When we are inside toxic ambient around toxic people, it is healthier to isolate than being around narcissists, impulsive borderlines and evil people who have hidden masked agenda when socializing with others.

YT "you are above social anxiety
"

"Deception and manipulation are socially intelligent"
This is how social anxiety can turn into psychopathy and narcissism. Social anxiety is initiation into evil.

YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety | Take Control of Your Thoughts and Conquer Your Fears"

Blocking thoughts is delusion it is dysfunctional coping mechanisms as response to stress.
Blocking thoughts is energy consuming.
It leads to building walls and investing in those walls. We block a lot of other information too - information needed for us to know what is safe and what is evil.
When we block thoughts, we end up hypervigilant, more anxious - because now our safety is depended on not feeling negative emotions and not having bad thoughts.
This solipsistic approach would work if we were the only entity in the universe - but in real life, in reality - we are in daily contact with other people - whom we cannot control. Problem starts when our finances and safety depend on other people - and their demeanor, actions and their hidden agenda.
-
Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.
Dr. Bessel can der Kolk

feel safe with other people = mental health

YT "Reframe Mistake Anxiety! #shorts #anxiety #anxietyrelief #gad #attachmentstyles #socialanxiety"

"Mistakes: Opportunity to learn and grow"

Love this!
Problem are when we are codependent and when we have attachment issues - and we end up with Asperger's and narcissists who find faults 24/7 and it is energy consuming to be around such people - and due to trauma we are unable to cut contact with them and they train and condition us to worry and feel ashamed for mistakes as if mistakes are our identity - leading to more of codependency and trauma.

It is called social+anxiety. So context is by definition part of this "anxiety". IT is not called self anxiety. We do not feel social anxiety when we are by ourselves on 1-on-1. Social anxiety by medical definition is fear of criticism (and expression of our own criticism) - so in order to tackle so called "social anxiety" the context is crucial factor to investigate.
We did not choose to feel social anxiety out of sheer boredom.
We did not walk in the street one day and decided out of the blue , get caught like a flu or get wet in the rain - and then decided that we will experience so called panic symptoms in social settings. This happens due to context:
AcoA, ACE, narcissistic injury, living with parent who has Aspergers etc.

"99% of people are nice, , so it would be a shame to avoid proactive interactions due to the rare occurrence of something negative"
99% of people are wearing social mask.
So we are actually talking to actors, made believe, make believe fantasy and delusion, illusion of other people putting on.

"If someone insults us"
You are correct.
Insults hurt.
But - this is the matter of psychology. There is investigation necessary to check what exactly is going on.
1) if someone insults us - did we do something wrong? Were we being the jerk to someone? How did we hurt someone?
Can we apologize, correct it?
2) who is the insulter - who is the critic?
Is this person mentally ill? Is this some random rambler who insults anyone due to mental imbalance? Can we really take to the heart what mentally ill person thinks about us?

Problem with fear of judgement is that it is connected to trauma which is unprocessed inside us.
In the past - this was called Charcot hysteria.
When we react to insults in panic and rage - that is clue that there is something wrong that happened to us in the past, and there is high chance that we attract toxic people due to unhealed PTSD.

(2.4.2024)

Not only that you lack education in psychology, but you defend it as if therapy is science. IT is not.
DSM is made up manual based on no research, no evidence - since there is no machine to measure emotions.
You defend it as if it is an ideology.
Science is open for feedback and criticism and it is not offended by facts, truths nor opposing opinions - and it learns from it all. You reject anything that does not comply with your egocentrism. That is hallmark of narcissism.

YT "Do you dare to disagree with your narcissistic parent?
"

Connected to internalized toxic shame, self rejection deep inside. What's worse -growing up in such toxic ambient where disagreement is conditioned to feel like hate - leads to Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, where the child learns that any criticism is hatred and attack on personal level. Criticism may as well be a feedback or spectrum of explanation about certain topic. With RSD, all criticism will feel like core of person is torn apart - and that is why narcissists feel narc injury when other people are not approving narc's explanation of reality. Narcs learned to attack and destroy anyone willing to listen and take to heart their words.

@hacktheworld-gi1vx "in what way is believing you have social anxiety healthy?"
This is excellent question that is the root why I reject CBT.

In Humanistic psychology - person suffering from mental health issues is seen as client - as person who knows what is problem whereas the therapist is person who provide him or her with information - similar to Piaget learning experience, where children learn through playing and interaction, not through punishment.

Social anxiety is healthy - is keeps us off from developing anti-social diseases like narcissism and psychopathy and BPD.

Social anxiety is actually spectrum of highly functioning autism.
CBT will label stimulation overload as panic - this way CBT will instruct us to be afraid even more and to see ourselves as cowards who are too weak due to "panic" so we must overcompensate by developing false persona of social skills and glib charm - that leads to psychopathy , masking and pretending something we are not.

If we are not serial killers, if we have no hidden agenda to harm other people - there is nothing sick nor abnormal inside us.

"Panic" and "anxiety" are reactions to hostile and threatening environment which is ableist and unfriendly to neurodivergent thinking styles.

"was responsible for my reaction."
This is true - however in real life -
there are toxic people who gaslight.
They present wrong information or they twist facts - due to dualism and double binding.
Then we experience coercive control, manipulation -

For example.
Common tactic in narcissism and psychopathy is to weaponize our mistakes, flaws and lack of experience as catastrophe - and our identity. They will simply take our honest error and present it as crime against humanity.
If we end up rationalizing and toxically empathizing with such manipulators - we will end up being duped.
Anger is not bad emotion. Sometimes being angry is correct and the only valid response to toxic people - and anything else is not acknowledging that criminally insane people are doing damage to others. Not taking responsibility.

(3.4.2024)

YT "Does seeking control over our lives do more harm than good to our mental health?
"

This is Fallacy of Control. There is the opposite side of coin - when we do nothing at all due to fear of being controlling - and then we become passive and get stuck with Learned Helplessness - where we do nothing at all even though we have full power and energy and resources to make a change on better.

I would see this issue from a different angle that is not mentioned in CBT at all:
1) that it stems from Complex Trauma -from exposure to narcissistic assault and psychopaths and ACE and ACoA in childhood, mentally ill parent(s) with Aspergers .- someone who demands control and condition us to seek control
2) that is might be a spectrum of Autism. People pleasing is a form of mask - to control the ambient which is ableist

"When I was 40 my doctor told me this. " the government would be happy if you die at 45" saves them a lot of money.

"

This happens with social anxiety, too. Social anxiety is Complex Trauma and High-Functionating Autism yet medical industry portrays it as hallucination and shyness issue. Because it would cost too much money to investigate trauma and neurodivergency - people are much more useful as lobotomized sheep that work in corporate matrix, being medicated and making pharma mafia rich.
We live on toxic planet, ran by psychopaths in power and authority - and we ask for more.

YT "EU & Canada Begin KILLING YOUNG People Over BOREDOM, Listless Young People Choose Government DEATH
"

Sounds like obvious fake news.
HOWEVER it is interesting thought experiment.
Anyone gone through trauma and assault and unfair injustice in life wanting to escape it - what would happen if the government itself offered a service to end it all?
IT would change mindset of anyone borderline and angry at the unfair psychopathic society. Now the victimhood mentality would be kicked out - and the energy for self blame and self destruction would be transformed into where naturally belongs - to destroy patriarchy, the source of all problems in the world.

YT "Being impulsive is common when you have suffered childhood trauma #childhoodtrauma #cptsd
"

There is a flip coin to this , as well.
When we start to block, hide and mask our impulses - which makes things worse as well. Because trauma is still there - being unprocessed.
Masking the pain leads to hypervigilance, anxiety, forming OCD rituals, discovering new ways to cope which are far worst than the initial one.

YT "Developing resilience to shame
"

Redefine success - I like that!
Sam Vaknin talks about it as Rat Race and trying to be a Top Lobster - which ends as more shame.

I don't see ideas, theories as "popular thing" - especially when it is banned by CBT and pharma mafia due to keeping people sick and depended on gurus and scammers.
I would be rather pragmatic - does it help?
Does the new information, new perspective helps with toxic shame and stigma and does it explain what conventional explanations do not explain nor cannot explain.

(5.4.2024)

"Always think of your worst day when doing tests."
I was doing the opposite!
I was trying to keep cheerful and positive and to present myself in functional as functional way.
This is not explained at all in CBT nor self help.
Medical industry in mental health is scam!
This is extremely dangerous manipulation by researchers.

What happens is if I do take my worst day as the basis - and then get the diagnosis - I will start to build personality around this diagnosis.
For example - I may be labeled as socially anxious. Then the next time I experience stimulation overload - I will label it as panic - and then behave in panic way and force myself to fulfill the prophecy of DSM.
I will have the choice to do differently - but I will lean onto diagnosis - even though I have full power to make better decisions.
With diagnosis I will simply think -- why care anyway? Why bother at all?
Why try it?

CBT and self help are doing incredible psychological damage to anyone seeking honest help and answers.

IFS Model tells us that there are multiple parts of personalities inside us. We all have spectrum of persona and mental parts inside us.

When we feel difficult emotions such as panic, fear, anxiety - there may be parts of ourselves that are resilient. But with general diagnosis I will shoot myself in the foot and self sabotage myself by following Aristotelian black and white thinking, binary thinking that if I feel fear that all my being is being afraid - which is not true at all.

This messed me up, CBT and self help industry mislead me to believe in this black and white thinking.

7.4.2024

"! We should not focus our energy on unworthy things or people"
Yep!
Totally agree.
However that is problem with mental health issues.
People get stuck in rumination, worry and panic.
This is mostly due to 2 main factors:
1) growing up in dysfunctional toxic ambient with mentally ill parent (Aspergers)
2) Being in power dynamics ambient, opression and lack of finances.

Then we are both molded to people please, to be subservient - and we are not allowed to express ourselves nor defend ourselves - since there would be some kind of punishment by tyrannical narc people around us - such as getting fired from a job, losing finances, losing shelter - and ending up being homeless.

Once we are forced to be around toxic people who are evil and or mentally ill - they will affect our mental health and ruin it. And then we will end up with worry and rumination as see saw effect of being exposed to pathological liars and parasited and predators.

(7.4.2024)

Some people start to develop personality around overstimulation because self help and CBT are instructing us to identify with our symptoms.
Then we start to act as if we are the symptom ourselves.
We have the choice to respond differently but we choose the neurotypical explanations and lean on those because that will make us accepted and not stir the boat. Toxic shame has a lot to do with it.

(8.4.2024)

Well if some person has low IQ + low empathy, and therefore doesn't talk controversial things, he or she won't be noticed by the others. Neither he or she will notice negative vibes.
This is similar to lobotomy.
I am not sure that this numbing masked as confidence and inability to see reality is healthy.

Most people care a lot. In negative way. There are narcissists, predators, impulsive borderlines, evil people out there that want to put other people down just for sadist purposes of seeing other people being worried about what is happening.

If someone doesn't notice this - this is because of masking and compliance - some people learn to camouflage their feelings and opinions in order to fit in into herd mentality.
Then Nazi German from 1930s happen. Or Hungary's Orban state, Putin or North Korea.

This video is misleading.
1) it forces person who suffered bullying and mobbing to doubt their own experience - and this ends up as loss of confidence
2) it gives false reality - that all people are nice and good and that evil people do not exist. This way we end up being people pleasers - because we end up rationalizing and normalizing anti-social behavior - and we blame ourselves for being "too sensitive"

I am not sure that molding other people is healthy nor dismissing someone's experiences.

It is not healthy to mix up symptoms with identity.
Person who experienced trauma - will start to fulfill the prophecy of symptoms and then choose life choices according to DSM, and not to what he or she feels truly inside.

What you are saying is that confidence is when we fulfill society expectations and when we hide and mask our own emotions, experiences and responses in order not to upset the "society". This is not healthy.

The definition of confidence is being fine with being oneself, with all flaws and errors and imperfections.

YT "The Social Anxiety Cycle Explained #anxiety #shorts #mentalhealth
"

It is not interacting with other people.
It is judgement, negative evaluation - potential or real one, that is the problem.
Confidence is not equal to being perfect and being super and being happy. Confidence is being okay with being flawed and imperfect.

YT "Understanding Social Anxiety Disorder
"

Plethora of misleading information.
Social phobia was renamed in mid 1990s because it was discovered that it does not go away with exposure like any phobia.

Labeling overstimulation overload as fear will lead to self fulfilling prophecy and more anxiety.

DSM is not science - it is based on Researcher Bias and emotions are impossible to measure.

Pharma mafia makes money on people's trauma selling drugs.

Cause of social anxiety is society, toxic people.

Intense worry is not in all social situations but only those which are toxic and ambiguous.

YT "2 Tips for Social Anxiety
"

"Learning how to be socially acceptable to most people" is called conformity and it can be quite dangerous - like living in 1930s Germany where people would give away Anna Frank because it was socially acceptable to most people to destroy certain people.

Masking is not healthy.
Masking leads to more of anxiety, hypervigilance and narcissism - fake personality.
Masking does not prevent only intimacy. It prevents healthy Self - and we get stuck with mental illness, rigid fake self. Masking can lead to mental illness.

Learning how to be vulnerable - leads to predators having smorgasbord on honest and authentic people.

This "tips" leads to people pleasing and being pushover and yearning for External referencing locus of control.

YT "#84 - How to Overcome Social Anxiety
"

What you describe here is shyness.
Social anxiety is not about looking silly and then embarrassed.
Think of social anxiety as being stuck in toxic job with mobbing from boss, customers and colleagues 24/7 and without means to quit this toxic job due to finances. That is social anxiety. Narcissistic shame is more a matter of shyness, when you depend on approval of other people to feel good about yourself.
Social anxiety is more about avoidance of assault.

After all - it is called social+anxiety. Means - anxiety stems from the social element. Society. Toxic people - critics and judgmental people. IT is not called self anxiety - anxiety from taking literal selfies.

"It is not a big deal" will work for shyness and narcissism. It will not work for social anxiety - because anxiety stems from the toxic people being toxic -
like if this dude who supposedly looked at you started to laugh and mock you or even attack you. That would be social anxiety.

Another example of Spanish words for pregnant is another example of shyness and narcissism - where you reject other people and in the same time depend on them to feel good about yourself.

Social anxiety is silence and not talking -
Problem is that you are using media to spread false information about social anxiety and convince abused people to ignore the abuse. "It's not big deal" - works for shyness and narcissist who deflect reality. It does not work for social anxiety.

Normal healthy and sane people invest certain amount of energy to prevent from looking silly - in order not to harm other people.
Narcissists are not concerned about other people, only about supply - that other people admire them.

YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety Through Stoicism
"

Social anxiety is response to narcissistic abuse - whereas narcissistic abuse has adverse effect on our mental health. NOT social anxiety.
Social anxiety is reaction to abuse. IT would be the same as if you say that loss of blood is not good for life - whereas the problem is the person holding a knife and cutting us. Blood is product of knife violence and abnormal person trying to stab us - blood itself is not abnormal.
13 seconds into the video and it is already filled with misleading information about social anxiety.

0:15 "How do we overcome it and lead a more confident and fulfilling life"
By attacking our natural responses to stress - we will create mental illness, we will create toxic shame, destroy our confidence and live poor life afraid of being different and unique.

0:34 "overcome social anxiety and become more optimistic"
Without social anxiety we will become narcissists and sociopaths - because without social anxiety we won't care what other people think to the point where we disregard other people's safety.
I am not sure what social anxiety has with optimism. If we are poor, if we are in toxic ambient - it is dangerous to suppress reality and pretend that we are fine and that problem do not exist.

1:00 "accept need to social interaction is normal"
You mix up schizoid disorder with social anxiety.
Avoidants (extreme social anxiety) desire social interaction but are afraid of it due to past trauma

1:54 "gradually increase social actitivities"
Social anxiety trauma can be Highly functional - which means activities - and trauma is still there.

2:36 "learning to say no when necessary"
So what happens when we are attacked for saying no. What then? You do not go in that problem. You simply highlight easy surface level information as general tool which does not work in real world.

3:42 "people are always criticizing me"
What happens if we do live in shame culture country and this statement is true. What then?

4:26 "Successful moment"
This does not help at all.

5:00 "Misspeaking doesn't always lead to mockery"
What if it does?

5:33 "Practice virtues"
Social anxiety stems from having high moral and ethical standards - and then clashing with toxic people who do not.

6:56 "displaying courage is to say no"
You are mixing up courage with anxiety issues. Even though it appears as lack of courage - anxiety is stimulation overload and it has nothing to do with manliness. if we equate these two - it will lead to toxic shame and mental illness and total lack of confidence.
Secondly, saying no leads to physical violence and loss of job. Without finances , we will become homeless. So I don't think you are connected to reality here and the real world.

7:15 "Wisdom understanding other points and know when to speak"
This works in healthy sane ambient. It does not work with toxic ambient nor toxic people around us, pathological liars and manipulators.

8:00 "Focus on what we can control helps with social anxiety"
Controlling anxiety leads to more of anxiety.

8:44 "You can choose to be comfortable"
This is called dissociation, and it leads to mental illness. When we cover up uncomfortable emotions is not stoicism , it is cowardice. It leads to mental illness because we miss the lessons to learn.

9:50 "do not Seek approval from others"
What happens when other person is pathological liar and provide us with false information?
What happens when we need to learn from our mistakes - and the other person is misleading us by providing false information about the same mistake?

YT "People Pleasing is Exhausting #peoplepleaser #mentalhealth #anxiety #socialanxiety
"

People pleasing is not a choice.
Problem are hysterical and dangerous people who manipulate us into being pushover.
Idea that we blame ourselves and have torrent of inner criticism - will end up as toxic shame and borderline disorder.

YT "Mastering Social Anxiety: Exposure Therapy
"

Exposure will not help when we live in toxic ambient with toxic people. In fact, it will make even more trauma.

YT "How To Stop Overthinking (part 1)
"

Overthinking is sign of neurodivergent brain. In childhood our brain never could perform synaptic pruning due to exposure to criticism. Now our brain is wired to overthink.
Overthinking is not that bad - it can be farmed as intelligence.

Plus - any type of job will be based on overthinking.
If we do not invest in overthinking - we will be fired from any type of job.

Subhuman - Like internalized toxic shame. It is unconscious so it is hard to feel it - we do everything not to feel the original trauma because it is extremely painful.
It is belief and feeling of being inept, worthless, second class, not being allowed to talk or have needs or human rights.

YT "Dealing with Social Anxiety
"

Good lecture - but I would go deeper.
1) Social anxiety is also fear of expressing our own rejection. This is crucial information that official medical resources do not address due to mass control
2) Doing opposite of comfort will not help - because avoidance stems from being hurt by people in power, in authority - so we were oppressed that caused avoidance of social situations. Such as having toxic job with mobbing stemming from boss, colleagues and customers.
Second reason is trauma. We were not born with social anxiety - this is learned conditioned rejection sensitivity, like exposure to mentally ill parent with undiagnosed Aspergers (being exposed to chronic criticism and rituals that parent tried to regulate their imbalance)

Our self esteem, self worth, confidence - will never happen if we believe that we must be perfect at something. True confidence is when we accept ourselves as we are - with mistakes, flaws and imperfections. Anything else leads to overcompensation and masking and trying to impress other people and chase their approval to feel confident.

Success is shady term. Rat race is not success. Buying luxury stuff in order to impress other people who don't care if we are alive - is not success.
Being top lobster is not success, that is narcissism and it leads to burnout.

Social anxiety is two fold: 1) it stems from trauma (AcoA , ACE) and 2) it is high-functioning autism - where panic is stimulation overload.
When we label stimulation overload as lack of confidence - now we will be afraid of being weak and we will panically try to hide panic in order to appear strong in the face of other people - in other people's eyes. That is narcissism. Instead of narcissism - if we accept and validate ourselves, and learn IFS Model - we will realize that social anxiety is social skill itself that 90 percent of people do not have.
If we torture ourselves believing that we lack social skills - while we have diamond lore inside us of social skills - we will create mental illness and toxic shame and inner critic that will rob us mental health.

Idea that we must make conversation with random people will lead to people pleasing and fawning and codependency. Not all people are nice. Some people are evil - and they mask their evil - and the only clue we have is our social anxiety as alarm system.

(9.4.2024)

YT "Why ADHD Makes Us Sabotage Our Own Success
"

This is why CBT is horrible and ableist therapy for anyone struggling with unknown and mysterious, undefined emotions. CBt and self help industry keeps us focused on symptoms and shaming and self shame due to emotions - while in reality Humanistic psychology also forces us to shift focus onto our inner GPS, goals, community contribution, interaction with healthy and sane people around us - which is healthy and sane path. CBT forces us to become drone, matrix slave, corporation Rat Race - while success in CBT is defined as suppressing emotions and being part of herd mentality, conformity and compliance to neurotypical "values".

This is the central problem.
With social anxiety, which is trauma rooted in ACE childhood neglect and constant chronic criticism - this desire to control turns into toxic shame and inner criticism which ends up as self sabotage in life. Constant seeking what is dangerous and what must be fixed - Maltz talked about this in his book Psychothronic - about people who sought endless plastic surgeries, and end up as monsters in the end due to unnecessary fixing of themselves.

Plus
having social anxiety means having high and superior social skills which 90 percent of people do not have at all: empathy and ability to put oneself in other place (anti- egocentrism) and knowing what other people need - as oppose being selfish and pursuing own selfish desires and harming people in this pursuit.

"hey i uploaded another video on mental health on the topic of Addictions.. Do you wanna review and give it constructive criticism?

"

Ok, I'll check it out!
You are the first person who did not see my comments as personal insult but as neutral feedback and scientific review, which it is.

What we experience as "social anxiety" is actually hidden from us to learn, because we are much more farmable when we lack education about what is bothering us.

Humanistic psychology which sees "patients" as clients - the one who know what is bothering them. Therapist is simply an educator that provides insight and labels and names for unknown mysterious feelings and reactions which client might mislabel as self blame and self hatred.
IFS model.
And Sam Vaknin Nothingness concept helps a lot - instead of ableist faulty CBT.

"Describe more of what you mean toxic as in what"

1) Toxic job: mobbing, from boss, colleagues, customers
2) Shame Culture country, ambient
3) Narcissistic abuse, exposure to
4) Exposure to car salesmen mentality
5) Exposure to pathological liars
6) Exposure to passive wounded narcissists who appear as victims
7) unfair constant chronic criticism aka Micromanaging
8) hysteria, abnormal antisocial behavior from which we cannot escape from

I agree that not all people are the same.
However in case of social anxiety - this is specific kind of affliction that can only occur in the childhood, when a child is exposed to mentally ill undiagnosed and untreated parent, like Aspergers (someone who criticize all the time chronically, impose routines and is highly sensitive to sounds sights and scents and tastes and then harass people family members around them due to intolerance to senses).

Regarding methods - in case of misdiagnosis - person can develop new layers of anxiety and mental health issues, in attempt to fix something that is not broken at all.

If we are not serial killers, if we do not have hidden agenda to cause harm to other people - there is absolutely nothing wrong inside us that requires such drama, hysteria and waste of energy that you mention in your video. You spread the message as if we are heavily damaged, severely abnormal people who require 24/7 hypervigilant monitoring and that our social skills are the same as of Neanderthals'.

YT "Ways rejection can save you | Phone Myat Myo Lwin | TEDxYouth@BrainworksSchool
"

"Every single time that you get rejected it unveils a brand new door filled with opportunities hat will help you accumulate more opportunities than being accepted could ever possibly garner."
Whoa!
This is deep!

People get stuck with social anxiety aka Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - due to belief that we must serve and fawn to toxic people.
While the clear message is - to move on and relocate or do something legal to remove toxic people from the society.

(10.4.2024)

"this video has caused you distress"
No, it hasn't.
I provide medical feedback and my own experience in social anxiety for over 30 years. When people provide feedback, this is not distress.
Just because I disagree with your video it does not mean that I am crazy rampant lunatic who is in distress.

" social anxiety disorder you mentioned is a specific disorder that only occurs in childhood. "
What exactly is the name of this supposedly totally different and new social anxiety disorder?
Can we know how it is called in medical terms? And if it exists - why did not you mention this crucial information - that there are plethora of social anxiety disorders , that DSM has no idea about.

"there is no disrespect in the video for people with social anxiety"
If you provide information which is misleading and unrealistic, and unscientific and basically not working in real life - it is disrespectful to people who seek genuine and authentic information.

" desire to help them overcome some common disturbances"
This is called Circular argument or Circular Reasoning.
You are convinced just because you have a good intentions, that this automatically means you are correct and infallible.

" help them be able to participate in everyday social activities"
Masking the symptoms leads to burnout and self hatred and self rejection where the Self is destroyed. This hiding and making social anxiety Functional ends up as Borderline disorder, mental illness. That happens because person now believes that he or she cannot rely on their emotions, brain and intuition but instead they believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them, that is so bad it requires constant fixing and constant supervision.

YT "Telling the Difference Between Covert Narcissism and Quiet BPD
"

I see it like this:
when we are exposed to ACE, ACoA - which cause Quiet BPD - when we are exposed to parent who is undiagnosed untreated Aspergers (constant criticism and rituals and hypersensitivity to all 5 senses) - we will be initiated into evil - we will be predisposed and vulnerable to develop vulnerable narcissism.
This does not happen as choice.
This is not conscious desire or logical follow-up to become covert narc. It is simply a reaction to evil and to invalidation.

Problem is in CBT and DSM that is stigmatizing and dehumanizing anyone struggling with mental health. We end up with hypercognition - where we end up quickly labeling any sign of cover narc as our personal failure and core fault in our core self soul deep inside us. This leads to permanent toxic shame - where we hate and reject ourselves - which is the motor of narcissism.

Solution is to admit that autism spectrum, narcissism and trauma - are behind issues like Quiet BPD, Rejection Sensitivity and social anxiety issues - and all these three issues must be admitted and faced and seen as neutral - without attaching any dehumanizing labels and self flagellation that toxic society and CBT are teaching us to do.

When we see covert narc traits as reaction to evil and exposure to pain which we did not choose - we can validate and accept ourselves - and then we will develop more and more of secure attachments - and this will be natural anti-dote to anti-social evil that we are initiated into since childhood - by simply being born inside toxic ambient.

You miss the message here.
It is highly dysfunctional to hide symptoms.
There is no productivity in masking symptoms - this breeds totally new disorders. We need to heal the trauma that is causing these symptoms.
Masking them is prolonging the suffering and transmuting it into something much worse, like borderline personality disorder.

" I have a LOT of work to do on boundaries and how to develop them"
This is the problem with La Pera.
She is doing amazing job with describing the complex trauma -she is perhaps the top 5 people in the world who are capable of describing it in accurate and laser sharp detail to the masses.
HOWEVER
what she is doing totally wrong is how to handle complex trauma.
She spreads the message that we need boundaries.
Nope.
This leads to borderline disorder - where we end up reacting to life and toxic people around us - we become slaves to circumstances and codependent and trauma bonded on toxic people - when we make them the center of our universe by creating some magical boundaries and then waste money and energy in keeping the Trump Walls up all the time through hypervigilance and rumination and worry - which is borderline disorder: depending on other people to feel good about ourselves.

Trauma first and foremost means self hatred, self rejection and self flagellation - and healing trauma means building our true and authentic self.

We cannot build our core persona and being by walls and boundaries and declaring others what we dislike.

When we accept and validate our core self - we will naturally have boundaries on its own. We will naturally feel disgusting to toxic people and vice versa - they will run away from us, because our honesty and truth speaking will scare them a lot and they will not feel welcomed to grow pathology under the light.

When we start to build walls - we are hiding and we are in the dark - where pathologies operate, in the dark.
WE need to be in the light - to expose ourselves to ourselves and to be who we truly are - not some defensive reactive version of ourselves - which La Pera is prophesying in her books.

Sam Vaknin says that we react to trauma in 5 malignancies. The first malignacy is self focus - we become pathologically preoccupied with our symptoms and we end up in cover narcissistic state where all we can think about is me me me , I I I. My pain. My hurt, I am the only person in the world with trauma symptoms and they are the highlight of my life.
Soon enough we start to build Victimhood mentality personality (TIV) - and then we end up in circular reasoning, hamster wheel - where our whole life goal in life is to be vulnerable and do nothing with ourselves in our life but to nag and complain and gather sympathy from the others how miserable we are.
With constant complaining - we never truly experience the pain. We never acknowledge it. We never resolve it. We never move on.
We stay frozen in this malignant reaction to trauma - and people like La Pera do not explain this at all, but keeps us hooked to stay in such place - because then we spend money on self help industry books - instead of moving on with our lives.

Dr Ramani and Sam Vaknin are more better resources for support. La Pera is simply farming our pain and gives false solutions to trauma - such as building borderline walls and boundaries - that keep us traumatized.

"How can you sit down and deal with all that pain again?"
By learning Victimhood mentality personality (TIV).
That information will face us with trauma and do something about it.
At first - the information is shocking and it feels degrading and dismissing - but it actually once the initial shock is over - it makes sense.
Learning more about TIV is sitting down and dealing with all that pain.

Yep, she forgot this important issue, auto-immune diseases being the byproduct of exposure to toxic people, because her philosophy is to develop Victimhood mentality (TIV) - by making boundaries and keeping us in reactive state all the time, where we end up being codependent on toxic people around us.

Problem is, as Body keeps the score tells us - that this period of time 14-17 does not stay in past time frame. We keep on repeating the patterns and we stay stuck in beliefs and convictions that we learned as coping mechanism during ACE.
In other words - trauma follows us around like cloud over our head.
With exposure to trauma -we are initiated into evil.
Our brain normal development will be disrupted - in tender age of growing up - our synaptic pruning will never happen in that age when it suppose to happen - and it means our brain will develop neurodivergent ways to operate - and this includes autism spectrum.
Neurodivergence is not sickness nor abnormality - but without us knowing about it, in neurotypical world .- we will be labeled as abnormal and sick and that there is always something wrong with us that requires toxic shame, constant fixing and pleasing other people that we do not bother them with our opinions and insight which will be more in depth and serious and triggering to them.

PTSD is post traumatic stress disorder.
It was discovered in 1980 as it was noted in war veterans since 1945 when it was called Shell Shock.
In 1994 it was discovered that people who gone through ACE and ACOA (constant unfair and random criticism in childhood) will develop symptoms at much more complexity than a mere PTSD.

PTSD is acknowledged by big pharma and medical syndicate in USA, however Complex Trauma is banned - because people are much more farmable and exploitable when people with emotional difficulties and struggles do not know the true cause of their emotional difficulties.

Complex PTSD is recognized however by neutral WHO and it is found in their ICD-11 (world version of American DSM. DSM is list of psychology symptoms).

All these symptoms are the blessing. They are coping mechanisms. Reaction to abnormal and evil people. Without them we would develop auto-immune diseases and we would self destruct.
People do not realize that narc abuse is criminal offense - it is spiritual attempt of murder. It has no physical assault visible - so many people believe that they are strong enough to endure it - and then end up with cancer and allergies.

"How did I trust someone that soon!!"
By believing own intuition and physical symptoms - instead of shaming and or masking them as CBT tells us to do.

God forbid that she tells us what to do with trauma. Her methods are dysfunctional and lead to mental illness - BPD.
Sam Vaknin and Dr Ramani are world leading and free resource to anyone being traumatized and dealing with toxic people.
La Pera advice is to develop hysteria and to become codependent on other people - by building walls and boundaries and making toxic people to be the center of our lives. Throwing money, resources and focus on hamster wheel of defense and reaction to toxic people. Instead of living our lives.

"Retraining the nervous system to be calm"
Nope. That makes it worse.
1) when we are under attack - if we are calm we will be pushover and people pleaser because we lack action and energy to fend off the abusers.
2) idea to mask our natural reactions to evil will lead to toxic shame and deep core belief that we cannot trust our own brain - we will believe deep down that we are inept cowards and anyone with car salesmen mentality will swindle us in life - because we will be unable to say no to them or turn our back and walk away.

All emotions are valid.
If we start with CBT crazymaking idea to shame and hide certain emotions - such as anger - we will emotionally castrate ourselves and become toxic and passive, like covert narcs and wounded narcs.

When we are angry - we can be loving in the same time. We can care a lot for people and still be mad at them in the same time.
This is why La Pera is horrible resource for trauma - she does not explain this at all. She instructs us to be ashamed of our symptoms and to hide them and pretend and mask to be someone who we are not - to overcompensate and pretend to be stoic - when random life important circumstances require us not to be stoic.

This is how cults are born, we develop trauma bond and never truly accept validate and trust ourselves. We become depended on people who appear as godlike to us.

YT "The Dark Truth Of Narcissistic Abuse: It Splits Your Personality
"

So basically when CBT is "curing" social anxiety with hiding and masking symptoms and trying to convince traumatized people that toxic people do not exist - CBT is actually performing splitting and creates mental illness in anyone seeking help for social anxiety.

Cult is not the answer for trauma. With trauma we are very susceptible to be swindled by self help industry, selling us worthless books and making money on our trauma. This codependency trauma bonding phenomena is also called Mate Crime.

(11.4.2024)

I am not fan of masking symptoms.
I would rather handle them holistically - and see the root cause and modify the root cause.
Masking symptoms leads to symptoms resurfacing in another and worse manner like cancer.
Masking symptoms leads to misdiagnosis - that we have no idea what is happening to us and instead we get wrong tools and wrong explanations about our core problems.
Masking symptoms also leads to self blame and belief that we are the cause of problems - and we never look around us to check whether there are parasites and or psychopaths who are masking their evil. Who are the cause of our symptoms in the first place.
Any kind of dissociation such as masking symptoms is dysfunctional coping mechanism.

YT "ABBY & AMANDA'S IFS THERAPY SESSIONS WITH RICHARD SCHWARTZ: WHY WE DO WHAT WE DON'T WANT TO DO
"

This perfectionism turns into complaining and being difficult person, it turns into Victimhood Personality (TIV) and then there is a great risk of developing borderline disorder (remember Glenn Close in Michael Douglas 1987 movie when she is obsessed with him and jumps from bath tab - that is borderline), narcissism and full blown delusional disorder. In milder kinder form - we turn this nitpicking onto ourselves and develop social anxiety and Quiet BPD where the inner critic is turned inward and it is self sabotaging and we keep ourselves in constant state of hypervigilance, stress and starvation.

(12.4.2024)

"but kindly stop guilting others for making our own choices."
I am not guilting others - I am providing feedback and honest criticism.

Scientific peer review.

"you need to be able to use your executive brain"
I disagree with this approach.
We are doing all our best to enter ventral vagal.
The problem are toxic people and predators and exploiters and pathological liars around us.
We are not the problem - we do not need to work or fix ourselves - because we are already doing this more than 100%.

YT "I found out I had high functioning autism
"

For me, this High-Functioning helped me a lot to realize what is going on.
CBT did not help. CBT explained symptoms as social anxiety - where social anxiety is explained from CBT perspective as hallucination and problem with thoughts - which leads to mental illness, since CBT explains that anyone struggling with social anxiety has bad thoughts that must be managed and trimmed and nitpicked all the time - so CBT tells us that we must hate and reject and fix and change and modulate our own brain, which is nothing else but self abuse.

I have my own reddit forum for social anxiety and it is only one commentator that helped my to realize this. And now, it all makes sense. I no longer feel toxic shame for being who I am, and for my emotional trauma and reactions. Instead of looking them as inexplicable panic that is caused by my "bad" thoughts - autistic inertia and pathological avoidance and masking - all help me sooth the panic and stop self flagellation which CBT and self help industry forced me to do.
I am afraid that a lot of people are labeled as socially anxious and then end up being pathologized and stigmatized by CBT and DSM - and have no idea what is truly going on because of misdiagnosis and lack of guidance, as you spoke in this vid.
CBT is based on shame and pathology and self pathology and stigma, without any GPS idea and self validation.

(13.4.2024)

"Understanding that I was on the autism spectrum helped a whole deal"
Ableist CBT nor self-help industry does not help with this process of discovery at all.
In fact, anyone struggling with social anxiety will be labeled automatically by CBT and self help as weird and abnormal, something to hide and hate and reject - and social anxiety will be explained away as thinking problem, thinking error - something to scorn and perceive as personal injury and abnormality that must be fixed, hide away and be ashamed of. That is the problem. Automatic, default self hatred and misdiagnosis in mainstream medical system. Ableism.

Sam Vaknin says that in order to be healthy - we need to face reality and never reject it, just because "we don't like something".
Reality is reality - it is not something that we can imagine away, and it is very dangerous to reject reality or make up our own explanations and keep our nose in the sand, like ostrich

Plus, we need to have money to expose.
Going out anywhere requires money.
A lot of people struggling with mental health issues do not have finances - due to emotional dysregulation itself.
In Autism - exposure will lead to counter-effect - because exposure will not cure anything but make the world seem more unsafe.

Thanks to one commentator on my reddit forum about social anxiety - i realized that my own emotional dysregulation state - is the high functioning autism issue.
This information helped me to look information where I never looked at before - autism.
So I learned about Pathological demand avoidance and Autistic Masking - helped me a lot to stop feeling weird or abnormal for experiencing stimulation overload, which CBT and self help industry explains away as abnormality and sickness of the thinking - misdiagnosis from ableist CBT that leads to toxic shame and more of anxiety.

For 20 years of CBT and self help I was left without self esteem, without explanation that panic might be over-stimulation - nor that once I do CBT exposure - that nothing will happen because social anxiety was not "hallucination" nor "cognitive distortion" as CBT and self help and articles about social anxiety forced me to believe in. I was left with total distrust into my brain , into my capabilities and no direction where to go in life - since my only preoccupation became fighting with "wrong thoughts", as CBT and self help industry exaplained.

CBT was the only resource for me that reflected or responded to unknown and mysterious emotions and feelings and reactions that I was struggling with.
It was almost as if CBT and self help industry are dangerous cult that recruit vulnerable and lost into doom and toxic shame hellscape.
God knows how many neurodivergent people and traumatized victims out there are trapped into misdiagnosis of CBT and self-help.

(15.4.2024)

YT "Social Anxiety: Avoid These 3 Mistakes!
"

Social anxiety itself is fear of making mistakes (due to ACoA and ACE childhood, being exposed to criticism and error nitpicking and making hysteria about mistakes).
So you are instructing everyone to be afraid of mistakes. This fear of mistakes leads to social anxiety.
Instead of avoiding mistakes - I would encourage to make them and then ride the perfectionism conditioning out to the point of extinction.

"Socialization and taking action" is neurotypical urge to be part of herd mentality - just for the sake of fear of missing out. IT is like being all dressed up with nowhere to go.
Instead of blind running around - I would rather devote time discovering who we are, embracing our HSP traits and then taking actions on these - not as a toxic masculinity fear of appearing weird to others and depending on approval of other people.

"Do no overthink things"
Yet - in any job that we have - we will be paid to overthink. Any quick action will be error and mistake - that will be scrutinized by boss and customers and colleagues - we will appear as lazy and someone who is not thinking things through.

"Approach anyone in the street"
but why? Why would we harass other people? For what purpose? To prove we are alpha male? To whom?

"Just take the action"
Socially anxious people who take action and expose - will become people pleasers and pushover. And toxic people will exploit them. Mate Crime.
Socially anxious are conditioned to fawn to anyone aggressive. This makes us perfect target for bullies, narcissists and psychopaths. With exposure to toxic people - we will generalize that all world is scary and must be avoided.

I see social anxiety as neurodivergence - it is a form of autism spectrum. If we do not accept ourselves as we are - we will walk around with toxic shame and we will believe that we must fix ourselves all the time - which fuels toxic shame. Toxic shame is root of inner critic and fear and panic - which is overstimulation and source of toxic stress - toxic stress can come out as cancer and autoimmune diseases.

Social anxiety stem from toxic people - it is not called self anxiety. We are not problem, but toxic society and toxic people like psychopaths - and we cannot change other people.

YT "SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER"

I am not sure that over-generalizing is good idea. Especially in therapy.
Avoiding people - but what people?
Are we talking about good, nice kind people?
Or are we talking about living in shame culture country where other people are abusive and rude and aggressive and shaming others just for fun?

Social situations are not homogenic.
Some are toxic. Some are healthy.
-
Young American explained why she left Croatia:
"In Croatia people constantly express intrusive opinion about matters which are none of their business. The most irritating things were rude people."

Young American explained why she escaped from Croatia:
"Often I heard Croats intruding why am I eating something, or commenting about what I wore. There is no such thing in America, we allow people to be what they want to be."

YT "Social Anxiety: Stop Missing Out On Life
"

What is annoying with your video messages - is that you promote self hatred.
Social anxiety is Autism spectrum, it is High-functioning autism.
Ans the last thing autistic neurodivergent person needs is more masking and more hating and more of chasing neurotypical nonsense.
What autistic people need is deep core acceptance of ourselves as we are and stop trying to imitate groupthink conformity and herd mentality.
It is only then that neurodivergents will take action - but action will not be the same as chasing the cloud 9 fantasies of "being out there" and being codependent on groupthink herd mentality and validation from others.

YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety: 2 Easy Ways To Make Good Habits Stick
"

People are not machines.
If we need to program ourselves as if we are computer - we dehumanize ourselves.
If we have bad habits - these are product of toxic environment and toxic people around us and ACE childhood. These are not habits at all - these are coping mechanisms that helped us to survive toxic reality.
When we don't tackle the trauma and when we do not sort existentialism - any habit will be forced out and it will never work - we will waste time, money, resources and energy into trying to fix ourselves - and pay toxic people to sell us courses and books - which is Mate Crime - parasiting on lost vulnerable people.

YT "Social Anxiety: If I Had To Start Again From Scratch
"

Social anxiety is not called Self Anxiety.
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety. Anxiety stems from the toxic people. Social being the element, the factor of anxiety.
Idea that we manage, fix and modulate ourselves is called self abuse and narcissism - becoming preoccupied with ourselves and totally ignoring external factor that is causing the anxiety in the first place.

YT "Who's looking for an easy way to overcome social anxiety? #anxiety #socialanxiety"

Unfortunately social anxiety is not social phobia. It will not go away with exposure -
because social anxiety is autism spectrum. It is High - Functioning Autism.
And idea that we fix, change and nitpick ourselves into herd mentality neurotypical mould - is self abusive and breeds toxic shame.

YT "Is this what you are looking for? #shorts #mentalhealth #socialanxiety"

Unfortunately this approach of being super confident is un-intuitively self harming.
Because - social anxiety is not called self anxiety.
Anxiety does not stem from lack of self worth.
Anxiety stems from the social element: toxic people around us who are shaming us into anxiety.
Idea what we fix ourselves into perfectionism and overcompensation - leads to narcissism.

YT "Smash Social Anxiety: Get After It!"

Social anxiety by definition is fear of criticism.
If we smash the concern about feedback - we will become narcissistic and psychopathic -
like that dude that refused to listen HSE feedback about his Titanic submersible and then he killed 5 people onboard- because he smashed his social anxiety and refused to listen to negative emotions, negative comments and counter points. He never learned from mistakes, flaws, he never perfected his invention - and his fantasy narcissism killed innocent people in the process -
all due to Positive bias, where negative emotions are smashed and hidden and buried away from the analysis and insight.

YT "Reduce anxiety by practicing these things...wait til the end #mentalhealth #anxiety #shorts"

Social anxiety stems from social element: toxic people.
The more we handle and manage exposure to toxic people around us, as much as possible (it will never be 100% proof to protect ourselves against psyhcopaths) but instead of changing ourselves -we need to change our conditioned fawning reactions to be slaves to toxic people and leave them whenever possible.

YT "395- Start with 'Hello': How to Reduce Social Anxiety and Foster Connections
"

It is flabbergasting how medical social anxiety videos are avoided and nobody watch them, while neurotypical narcissistic instagram videos are seen and commented by millions of lost people - becoming more lost with false prophets leading them to hell like Pied Piper hijacking kids with the lure.

YT "395- Start with 'Hello': How to Reduce Social Anxiety and Foster Connections
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My two cents:
1) CBT is wrong therapy. Humanistic therapies work and IFS Model address social anxiety from true realistic model that CBT does not cover.
CBT is ableist therapy that is focused on symptoms while it negates the environment and ACE and trauma. Sam Vaknin's Nothingness concept also helps with handling the RSD when it happens in life situations - we simply shift back to our core self, instead of manically worrying how to please other people.
2) Social anxiety is autism spectrum, it is a form of High-Functioning Autism. This means social anxiety must be focused on the Self, on self acceptance and self validation. When the socially anxious person is taught to self accept and to acknowledge trauma of reality and that toxic people exist - we can turn our attention to intrinsic locus of control - which will naturally calm down the anxiety and fears and panic - which is nothing else but stimulation overload.

9:09
"There are two types of worry that lead to anxiety. Productive worry which is worry about doing things, homework, getting to work on time, remembering to charge your phone, these traits contribute to the helpful planning side of anxiety. And then there's poisonous worry. Worry about things you cannot control, thunderstorms, whether people will like you, plane you're on. Anxiety affects our motivation, ability to complete our task, memory, self esteem."
That's correct.
In workplace - we will be paid to overthink and worry. Without this ability - we will be punished, scorned, labeled as lazy, and even get fired from our job.
It is crucial to accept and validate ourselves first - before doing anything in life. This acceptance part is destroyed in childhood with exposure to relentless criticism from mentally challenged authority like living with parent who has Aspergers (constant criticism, sensitivity and alarm to anything new and irregular).
All issues related to social anxiety stem from exposure to long term narcissistic abuse - and narcissism must be delved in and we need to learn how to protect ourselves from toxic people other than fawning and staying stuck in toxic job and with toxic people in our adult lives.

"Confronting an issue or problem head on is often the healthiest way of dealing with it"
I agree - this is true in healthy and sane environment,
This however will not work with pathological liars - because they are pathological liars. They provide wrong information and they are not set to clear problems - which they started in the first place.
Then we end up being stuck in wasting our time, money, focus and resources into correcting a problem which was invented just for the sake of confusion and blame in the first place.

YT "Being a people pleaser…
"

People pleasing is a sign of High Functioning Autism, Autism comes into spectrum. Also, people pleasing is fawning - it is trauma response to toxic evil predators who exploit others (Mate Crime).
Autism part means that we will appear different to others - and others will nitpick our mistakes and errors - which we will get scared of doing. Now we lose confidence and resilience. this is the same as when a virus attacks the cell - it disables its immune system and protection. When we see people pleasing into us - it is a sign that the other person is dangerous, evil and predatory - no matter what social mask they wear. Our task is to remove ourselves from toxic jobs, toxic people, toxic families as soon as it is possible. Toxic people will not become merciful. They will not come to their senses one day and tell us sorry. Toxic people are toxic - they learned in childhood to exploit nice, kind, friendly, sane people and suck them dry and farm them with pathological lying and coercive control.

(16.4.2024)

"What's the recommended approach to resolution of pathology of personality? Is there any hope of succeeding relying only on one's own efforts or is therapy unavoidable? I've read a few of your comments and I'm baffled by how much of what you're saying hits the nail on the head."
Thanks for your words.
There is no cure.
We are not sick, we do not have pathology.
Pathology would be if we are serial killers and if we had hidden secret agenda to cause harm to other people and then enjoy in seeing other people suffering. That is pathology.
What we are dealing is being brought up in toxic dysfunctional ambient while growing up with untreated and undiagnosed mentally ill parent like Aspergers.

So - there is no cure - we are simply reacting to the evil.
We are initiated into becoming mentally ill and evil - but our healthy parts are struggling and this is what we experience as pain and pathology and panic. Without social anxiety - we would treat other people cruelly or worse. Without finances, we would soon turn into violence due to no inner barriers like empathy or guilt or shame.

The guilt and shame that we feel is our healthy part trying to keep us from becoming totally evil and mentally ill and pathological.

Therefore - the cure would be living in a system where mentally ill parents are not allowed to have kids. The cure would be living in perfect world where there is no violence and where we can trust other people and where other people are not aggressive and judgmental and manipulative and controlling.

The cure lies in accepting and validating our anxiety, which society labels as panic and being sissy - so we developed deep toxic shame - which appears to us as pathology. We need to accept ourselves and build our persona on who we truly are, authentically - without masking our symptoms.

"Isn't cutting them off a form of toxicity as well though?"
This is great question and it is the heart of social anxiety.
We have no idea what is toxic - due to growing up in aCoA ACE ambient of constant criticism and being exposed to toxic people - so we developed belief that any kind of boundary setting is evil and toxic. We have no knowledge or education how to recognize red flags of someone being toxic, pathological, narcissistic and impulsive borderline - we overgeneralize instead and place any kind of rejection as being toxic and abnormal.
That is how we stay stuck with toxic people, how we become codependent and develop trauma bonding - and we cannot cut contact with toxic people - due to enormous feelings of guilt and shame of us being evil. This toxic empathy keeps us trapped in toxic jobs, toxic families, toxic friends, toxic country. We were conditioned to believe that it is our task to fix other people, that it is our responsibility to calm other people down. This is how borderline disorder starts.
Borderline people depend on other people's mood in order to feel good about oneself.

It is essential to cut contact with toxic people, to minimize contact , to leave as soon as our finances and safety allows us to do.
We can see femicide statistics what happens to battered women who leave their abusive husbands. The threat is real.
Toxic people are mentally ill and evil. They are pathological liars. They live in fantasy and they are predators - they rely on narc supply to feel good about themselves and to feel self esteem and they are machines who devour others just for the sake of devouring.
People who stay in long term narc contact end up with mental illness and auto immune diseases like myeloma.
It is not toxic to say no.
It is not toxic to choose healthy people.
It is not toxic to choose better ambient and safer one.

" Become stronger"
is tricky.
When we try to become stronger - this happens:
1) we develop narcissistic personality disorder which is mental illness - fake person that overcompensate in order to fight imaginary danger and toxic shame internalized inside
2) We reject and self hate ourselves, we refuse to accept that we are vulnerable normal human being and instead we try to become superior person in order to impress others. When this does not happen in real life - because all people are filled with flaws and errors - this ends up as aggression and anti-social behavior.

Please - instead of relying on society and herd mentality - read psychology and seek therapy, someone who is master and educated in psychology. Left to our own devices, we will harm ourselves and other people, as well.

YT "476- RSD Toolkit: Strategies for Managing Your Sensitivities in Real Time
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I see it like this:
Social anxiety and RSD are interchangeable-
Dr Dodson disagrees because he did notice in his work that people who are reacting to rejection are not necessarily socially anxious.
I believe that
1) social anxiety is broad term. Which means - that social situations means millions of things. We won't feel social anxiety with person whom we trust.
2) if we never experienced humiliation and aggression that is causing social anxiety trauma - there is High Functioning Autism inside - that Dr Dodson believes is ADHD.

Lack of finances, living in shame culture ambient - with ACoA and ACE childhood, toxic ambient - it will exacerbate both social anxiety trauma and neurodivergence.
I believe that narcissistic personality disorder - being in contact with someone who is evil and narcissistic - will throw off the balance both in social anxiety and neurodivergence and mess it all up - where we no longer can diagnose ourselves anymore, whether we have trauma or genetic sensitivity.
Toxic people play the crucial role in our trauma and neurodivergence.

I took autism spectrum test - and I filled it twice. The first time I tried to remember who I am as person when I am in ventral vagal safe place state - and autism was not found.
However -
The second time - I took the autism spectrum test with keeping in mind who I am as person when I am feeling social anxiety, when I am under stress, when I feel triggered - and my autism score was very high.

This means - that our persona - who we are, our identity, as IFS Model states - will be fragmented in toxic ambient around toxic people. However we do have fully manageable emotionally regulated adult Self - and when we step back to who we truly are - we will naturally be resilient and we will naturally have tools to handle difficult moments in life - by simply being present in our Adult Self - which knows that nobody can harm us inside at the core of who we are - since this is intangible.
When we have self esteem - self worth - we will be more resilient and happy and have inner GPS where to go in life.

As long as we are not distancing ourselves from toxic people - we will be dysregulated. Toxic people are pathological liars, they live in a fantasy and they entrain others (Sam Vaknin) through process of entraining into submission and self doubt, and hypervigilance.
Since narcissists are neurodivergent - they know exactly what buttons must be pushed to make other neurodivergent confused and in a state of shock.

Toxic person can easily enslave someone with RSD/social anxiety and force them into trauma bonding and codependency.
All the evil person needs to do is to repeat the same neglect and invalidation from ACE ACoA childhood:
- curse a lot
- create hysteria out of unimportant errors and flaws and lack of experience - and make them into catastrophe
- nitpick someone's mistakes, flaws, errors, lack of education, lack of experience - and complain a lot about it
- find never-ending faults in target's behavior and/or words all the time 24/7

Evil, toxic people wear social mask - they are manipulative and using coercive control- makes them hard to distinguish from someone who cares and who is helping us with their criticism - that in reality is coercive control and manipulation - not honest feedback - but a tool to keep us in a state of shock and feeling guilt, shame about believing that we are inept to live life - and instead we must depend on "better" people to declare what is the truth and correct thing in life.
Because due to dualism and double binding - anything in life, any kind of action can be easily labeled as wrong and abnormal - so anyone can easily manipulate us into feeling inept, inadequate, wrong and misleading, that we are fundamentally lacking and deficient in anything being criticized that we do or think about, hold opinion about.
All they need to do is to nag, complain and find faults and wrongs in anything we say or do - and we will be automatically dysregulated and in a state of shock and toxic shame and belief that we are stupid and inept to live on our own.

" I am the happiest and freest I’ve ever been"
Sometimes when we dissociate - we feel that also. Dissociation is like putting pink glasses and pretend that troubles do not exist. Until they hit us over our heads because we ignored that needs to be avoided.
Dissociation leads to mental illness - living in a fantasy, and can end as schizofrenia.

(18.4.2024)

YT "Roles in a narcissistic family system - the Scapegoat
"

I would also add that living with untreated undiagnosed mentally ill parent like Aspergers who refuse any mental help will lead to the exactly the same scapegoat dynamics. Aspergers parent will nitpick errors, however in addition to narcissistic complaints, there will be a lot of complaining related to them being sensitive to 5 senses (something too loud, too quiet, no air, too much wind), there will be routines like lunch must happen at exactly the same minute and feel meltdown if these are out of norms and express their rage when something is outside of their parameters that they believe must be observed and obeyed and respected. Like narcissists - they will be sensitive to anything new and different - and child growing up in such sick toxic ambient of verbal assaults over smallest variations in daily occurrences - will grow up with PTSD and inability to perform without being perfect in anything - which means being passive and codependent, with heavy social anxiety people pleasing fawning urges and hypervigilance that any criticism is catastrophe.
Unfortunately the child who grows up in such toxic ambient of scapegoating due to mentally ill parent - will be misdiagnosed with plethora of personality disorders - while the culprit, the source of disorder - Aspergers parent - will never be observed, uncovered , pinpointed at all. Highly Functional mentally ill people appear to third party as efficient and macho and manly and someone who is full of self esteem and hence greeted by herd mentality and groupthink. In reality - narcissists and mentally ill people have supply - other people whom they destroy mentally and physically.

YT "Autistic Social Skills - How to Read Social Cues Better
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Problem is if we are not absolutely certain who we are - and if we need to go through special training and education about our instincts and gut feeling and common sense - we will never be confident in ourselves, and we will be plagued with toxic shame, which is cancer of our soul.
Neurotypicals are "successful" in life - because they have solid permanent trust in their own brain, in their decisions and they know they are correct in what they feel and come up with.

YT "How to avoid miscommunication and misunderstandings (STOP OVER EXPLAINING!)
"

"How does it look like talking to a narcissist that gaslights? "
They complain all the time.
They find faults all the time.
You are always in the wrong.
They use ad hominems.
They never admit their own mistakes or errors.
You feel confused in interaction with them and drained and feeling guilty and ashamed.

(19.4.2024)

YT "Let’s drop “low/high functioning”"

High functioning label helps a lot for people who were misdiagnosed with social anxiety diagnosis - because they appear not having symptoms of neurodivergence to the therapist or tests - since the highly functioning person learned (mostly through punishment and shaming) that it is wrong to be authentic and that it is dangerous to express oneself truly and speak freely about issues that occur such as stimulation overload. With misdiagnosis, socially anxious people receive wrong explanations and wrong instructions which can lead to mental illness. So that is why high-functioning label is important for those folks who get mislabeled by the neurotypical system of DSM and CBT and self-help industry.

YT "I've Been Hiding This My Entire Life
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I would investigate mobbing.
When we experience verbal abuse - if we were exposed to relentless criticism in childhood (ACE, ACoA) - we will develop internalized toxic shame - which means other people's moods and their criticism will affect and effect us, it will destroy our self worth and we will develop urge to fix someone's anger and we will believe that we are always wrong and must be silent and obedient and to trauma bond with toxic people. That is huge area which we will ignore and mask - and it will influence the lack of quality of life.

@annaspeaksout2964 "how do you see this as masking symptoms?"
Because of see saw Effect.
We were not born with tight jaw.
This is conditioned symptom - and it always comes along with ACE, ACoA, exposure to narc assault over long period of time.
When we experience psychopaths and impulsive borderlines and narcissists - we will react with 4 malignancies, as Sam Vaknin said.
The first malignancy is narcissism - we will become self obsessed with our symptoms - and we will believe that our safety if the most important thing in the world - as so much to ignore the actual threat and processing tough reality - that we will zoom into our self and our symptoms - which are nothing else but reaction to abnormal people and toxic ambient.

When we end up with self-help ideology of endlessly trying to reach happiness by purifying ourselves and cleaning ourselves and chasing symptoms - we miss the larger picture - and stay codependent and trauma bonded with toxic people who are causing mental health issues in ourselves.
We end up in Self-consuming self state - where we end up enabling toxic people to parasite and farm our symptoms against ourselves.
Instead of reporting, holding criminals accountable, moving away - we end up believing that we need to create OCD rituals in order to be happy, safe and feel good about ourselves - as if our symptoms are bad and as if we are bad person for experiencing reaction to toxic people.

This is why self-help industry, along with CBT, is so toxic. It creates mental illness. We end up masking our symptoms for the fear of believing that we are bad person for having reactions to oppression, coercive control, gaslighting that stems from toxic people.

YT "Is Asperger Syndrome Still a Thing?"

I would go deeper.
Living with undiagnosed untreated parent with Aspergers - the child exposed to hysteria, drama, oversensitivities, rituals - will leave child experiencing ACE, ACoA and social anxiety symptoms in adulthood - being unable to make mistake for the fear of scrutiny and being trapped in perfectionism - due to operant conditioning in childhood where each mistake was yelled and screamed at over and over again by Aspergers' parent who refused to get psychological help for their dysregulation.

Child who grows up in such toxic ambient will develop condition that CBT and DSM labels as social anxiety. And it cannot be labeled as Autism because it is highly functional.

Labels "High Functioning" helps a lot for people who experience Autism when dysregulated. CBT and DSM as ableist therapies do not know that spectrum exists - and this way person who was exposed to mentally ill parent will be misdiagnosed by CBT and DSM - since CBT and DSM refuse to acknowledge the spectrum.
Wrong treatment, misdiagnosis leads to mental illness and dysregulation.

Without learning about High Functioning label - I would never take test for autism spectrum.
I took the test twice:
1) I answered the questions for the Autism test while I was considering how I react and think and make decisions under stress and when I feel dysregulated. The result for Autism test was positive.
2) Then I took the test once more, but this time however I was considering to answer all questions from keeping in mind how I feel when I feel safe, in Ventral Vagal state - and the test for Autism came negative.

This means that IFS Model is correct.
We have fragmented personality and we have split parts - where CBT and DSM cannot help us - and we will end up being misdiagnosed over and over again with neurotypical technology.

Narcissistic abuse goes hand in hand with mobbing.
Narcissistic folks are drawn to power positions - because this is amazing area where their narcissistic supply is in endless quantities: oppressed workers. They have free unlimited supply, especially in poor countries where workers cannot easily change quit their toxic jobs and they are stuck with the mobbing.
Narcissistic people depend on making other people down and to ashame them in order to feel good about oneself. That is narcissistic supply. Putting other people down makes them feel great and superior and grandiose. Person who is on the receiving end - will end up with plethora of both mental and physical health issues. Like social anxiety or myeloma, auto-immune diseases.

For me High - Functioning is amazing label to throw off the CBT ideology of black and white thinking - where autism is only acknowledged if the person is exactly the same as described in DSM. High-functioning destroys ableism at its root of discrimination and misdiagnosis.
Anyone who is high-functioning will be labeled as socially anxious and their feelings emotions and thoughts will be labeled as abnormal sick and something to cure and fix and hide away and mask. Whereas High Functioning autism explains it well - and then there is no need to hide or feel shame or be embarrassed about dysregulation and stimulation overload.
CBT labels stimulation overload as panic - and panic by Mayo Clinic is described as hallucination and delusion. This way anyone struggling with stimulation overload is forced to swallow the pill of being mentally ill and spend all their lives trying to cure themselves - where there is nothing to cure at all.

(21.4.2024)

"This explains my cement mask and social anxiety a lot"
Yep.
This is called Operant Conditioning. Similar to Pavlovian dogs who salivate when they hear the bells.
In the same manner, society controls us and manipulate us into becoming respectable citizens who obey the law and who care for the less fortunate.
The problem is when this discipline is turned against us in the form of toxic shaming, accusations, projecting - when the other person is having their own negative chatter - due to trauma and neglect - and they learn to handle this fear and panic and shame by shaming other people and criticizing others a lot. This is how they regulate their pressure - by being anti-social.
Since criticism is critical for learning and for becoming responsible citizen - that we shed off our aggressive traits - it is easy to pass their anti-social behavior as unnoticeable - and make our core Self as problem.
Then instead of becoming responsible citizen with healthy self esteem - we become socially anxious adults with solid permanent mask of people pleasing and fearing criticism, since we have been told since childhood that something is wrong at our core - the same way toxic people feel and they project their wound and trauma onto us.

YT "Personality Masks: What They Are & How to Spot Them
"

Anyone struggling with social anxiety will be told through most of you tube videos coaches and self help industry - to fix, cure and hide social anxiety through building 1) a macho mask of overcompensation and hiding true emotions, and or 2) excessive confidence.
Also, narcissists have mask - essential part of narcissistic disorder is fake front and when someone discovers it is fake, they go into rage and become dangerous. Same applies to psychopaths, too and criminals.

YT "How to Stop Panic Attacks: A Psychologist Explains
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I would look to potential true cause of panic:
1) food and obesity - emotional eating trying to fend off toxic stress and this ends up as high blood pressure - which appears as panic attack.
2) autism spectrum - where panic attacks are stimulation overload, not related to fear or being coward - 5 senses are overloaded with information overload. There is High-Functioning Autism that is exactly the same as any person suffering from trauma, social anxiety or anyone gone through long term narcissistic abuse

These two are better and realistic explanations than standard CBT and DSM which are pathologizing us and making us gaslight ourselves into mental illness and then farmed by corrupt medical industry

YT "How to Stop Panic Attacks: A Psychologist Explains
"

There is a danger of not having panic attack.
We need response to real danger. Without panic attack -
1) if you get caught in travel wreck accident - like train crash or airplane on fire or there is violence in the street or shopping centre like in Sydney - without our brain registration that there is a danger -we won't be able to run away or help those in need.
2) later on, when making decisions in life - without the information and experience from the panic attack situation - we would not be able to make better and saner decisions in life. Instead - we would get into same situation over and over again, with history repeating since we never learned anything from it.

In more common situation - when we are in toxic job or when we are in domestic violence situation with long term narcissistic abuse - it is best to have panic. Without it, we would stay with toxic people. We would rationalize them. We would normalize and ignore the psychopaths. This is how Putin stays in the power - with brainwashing the masses into zombie mode - people who do not feel panic around him and then vote for him.

When we numb ourselves and dissociate ourselves from reality - we end up not living in reality at all - and then we make decisions based on a fantasy. That can be dangerous.

Being stuck in Russia or in toxic relationship, being codependent in life - is not solution, it is not healthy.
Without panic emotions - we will never know that something is toxic and dangerous.

Think of Jews in Nazi Germany. It is obvious that in 1930s - ignoring the panic attack of living in Nazi state - will end up being imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp. Freud left on time and his escape from Austria was financed by sponsors. If he over-analyzed his panic - he would numb himself and stay in the toxic state.

"I stopped viewing/expiriencing it as "bad""

Yes you got it! All emotions are normal and they are signals.
My guess is that 99,9% of panic attacks - there is cause in trauma in the past and narcissists around us in the present time.
Then we end up in therapy while the perpetrator is left alone.

I would encourage anyone struggling with panic attacks and anxiety - especially social anxiety -to look up and see the environment. Is there a critical, nagging , chronic complainer around us?
If so - that person is the cause of our panic attack.
Problem is that chronic exposure to toxic people - will destroy our immune system along with mental health.

(22.4.2024)

Problem could start if our true personality is traumatized and conditioned to worry and see only negative. If we talk about that - we will be toxic and draining to others. The correct thing would be to recognize that we are chronic complainers and work the trauma and heal it. I think in this case it is okay to mask our dark shadow and our inner critic from being verbalized and externalized onto others- by complaining to others, criticizing them, find danger, talk only about crime events from the week and news, and potential dangers etc

YT "Tips to manage social anxiety at work events | SELF IMPROVED
"

Writing down and think about what will help us to feel confident will not work due to Confirmation Bias and Anchoring bias. Without external intervention - we will stay stuck in our gravitational egocentrism - with or without social anxiety, all people have this. When we face external information - that contradicts our convictions, we will feel Cognitive dissonance.
So nope, we cannot think our way out of the hole. Someone needs to come by, take their time to observe what we are doing and tell us how to get out of the hole and help us along with it by throwing us rope or materials to build the escape.

Social anxiety is not about going to parties. That is shyness issue.
Social anxiety is about being stuck in toxic job that we choose to do due to aforementioned confirmation bias, lack of our inner GPS, due to Complex Trauma that needs healing - and being surrounded by toxic people mobbing screaming yelling from customers, boss and colleagues without means to quit this toxic job due to finances - that is social anxiety.

YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety: What I’ve Learned
"

Waking up, drink tea and read books - are intentions related to ourselves.
Social anxiety is society factor. Anxiety stems from the external element: toxic people who are manipulative and pathological liars, narcissistic abusers. It is called social+anxiety. It is not called self anxiety.
Social anxiety is related to lack of finances - so we could have intentions as you call it to do a lot of things - but we simply lack time and money to do them - because we are stuck at toxic poor job - that pays our rent and there are no alternatives to find another better job - that is social anxiety. Real life problems.
We can have intention to do our tasks and jobs - and yet being surrounded by toxic people who coerce us into being their servant and pleasing them.
You miss up the big factor in social anxiety: toxic people.
We cannot pick our family members, we cannot pick customers that we must serve in order to get money to pay the rent.
No amount of intention will change toxic people around us from being exploitable and traumatic to us.

YT "Resolving Social Anxiety!
"

Professional help will not help much. Autism will be deliberately misdiagnosed as social anxiety or a mere shyness , since the state does not want another welfare patient on their backs. Complex Trauma is banned from DSM for the same reason. Plus pharma mafia is making huge money profit on undiagnosed trauma and farming people's misdiagnosed trauma.

Unmasking tip is okay - but in the end -
social anxiety is called social+anxiety. Anxiety factor is external: other people, toxic people. It is not called self anxiety.
Anxiety stems from exposure to rude, aggressive, violent, manipulative, controlling people who mask their psychopathy by appearing normal to us so we stay in contact with them.
Being in contact with narcissistic abusers - we will never "succeed" in it. In fact, thinking that we must "succeed" will keep us trauma bonded with toxic people - by us trying to win their approval and validation and with hope that we will fix them by us being kind to them or trying to talk sense into toxic people.

YT "Narcissists: It's Time to Leave"

"You don't need to be in relationship with a narcissist in order to leave a relationship. If you are with somebody who consistently is not listening to your demands, who you are saying “look, when you do this, this and this, it's extremely painful and I'm making the demand that you stop hurting me”, and they just keep on doing it, because it's convenient for them to do so. You can start looking for the exit. You have that right."
I just had a realization -
I was wrongly explained by CBT that of Fallacy of control - where we cannot control other people and expect other people to fawn to us. Yes, that is correct - HOWEVER if the other person is harmful and is causing us pain - that is real, chronic and objective - than we have right to demand them to stop. This part was confusing for me. I thought I had no right to say anyone what to do - and at what point I have that right. This short clip helps to clear that misconception of this Fallacy of control.

" how are you going to try to say those things to someone"
My stance is freedom of speech.
Freedom of ideas.
That we do not become trapped in ideology, symptoms and beliefs and convictions - and to challenge them, to question them, to introduce new angles, see anything in new perspective. Shine a light on dark areas and examine our reactions and validity and most importantly - reality. And does it help in handling difficult people and difficult moments in life.
Restricting ourselves to our perceptions and beliefs is not healthy.

(28.4.2024)

YT "Narcissism Is a Defense Against BPD | OTTO KERNBERG
"

"What I hate is when I am called the narcissist by abusive people for merely standing up for myself

"

What I understand is that healing means - that we do not care what someone says.
When we have strong healthy belief in what we know is our True Self - other people's criticism and labels would not bother us anymore. It will not feel anymore like we are in some kind of judicial court and where someone's random diagnosis or label or insult - is going to affect or effect us in a way that we are punished or sent to prison or degraded or taken money due to their label. With trauma we see other people's criticism as judicial system that we must obey to and then replicate the behavior that they stick on us - and then make all kind of defenses to prove our worth and fight against someone's random criticism.

The first problem would be the trigger of someone's criticism of us.
The second problem is our reaction and defense against this unfair random superficial criticism that doesn't has to do anything with reality anyway, but we feel so much toxic shame that it feels like overlord judgement that we must either obey or fight against - and that there is some kind of unspoken judgement if we ignore it.

YT "Narcissistic Family: Why Going No Contact Is NOT Enough
"

This is important topic - that no contact is not enough.
This applies to situations like mobbing and bullying - where we can remove ourselves from toxic people and they still live rent free in our head, and if we try to suppress or stop thinking about trauma they caused - this will amplify their control over us. Yet if we do not do anything - they pop up even in nightmares and then ruin the rest of the day.
I would see the healing as changing the perspective of being stuck in defense mode. It is about realizing that people can't harm us inside, no matter what they do.
Because after effect of exposure to NPD assault is we end up being worried what other people think about us. Their criticism opinion their conclusions are super important to us. And then we either obey or rebel against people who may be critical and judgmental and we cannot stand the fact that some person - even non NPD person - might be angry at us or that they may harbor negative emotions or negative conclusions about us -
this is toxic shame internalized inside. And we are not even aware of it that we care so much what bunch of nobodies think about us. And in reality - it doesn't really matter. It is non important. The world will not end. There will be no punishment, there will be no Armageddon if we allow other people to have wrong opinion and grudges or annoyances about us.

YT "Narcissistic Parents: How They Impacted Your Career Path
"

" She decided to "help" by signing me up for tutoring. On my first (and last) day of tutoring, I discovered it was a school for special needs children. "

You comment comes as proof for me -
that there are NPD parents yet there are undiagnosed untreated Aspergers parent - who displays many characteristics of NPD - EXCEPT this malignancy that you described here.
NPD parent will be malignant.
Aspergers will not have this level of anti-social malevolence that borderlines with psychopathy (deliberately sabotaging). Undiagnosed untreated Aspergers parents are more focused on rules and inability to tolerate 5 senses especially noise.
Everything else is the same - constant criticism, nagging, complaining, nitpicking, finding errors, hysterical behavior, ACoA.

YT "What Does It Mean When A Narcissist MUST Dominate?
"

I am having breakthrough moment here with this dominance game, I am writing my blog in the same time as I listen to this vid,
this is excerpt:

It is us about realizing that we have conditioned fear that we will be punished somehow for someone having some kind of negative conclusions about us.
Healing would be that we do not take on the game of being concerned about those conclusions. When we are going along with belief that we must be worried about what someone thinks about us - we end up in this dominance game which will keep us sick and afraid and develop all sorts of unnecessary defense defensive mechanisms that will keep us in prison of toxic shame.

YT "7 Ways You Hand Over Your Power To A Narcissist
"

I see our urge to worry what they think about us as the core problem. About what anybody think about us, what kind of conclusions that they have about us - this is central worry which is toxic shame and it needs to be let go. This means, being fine with whatever they think, whatever they say, gossip, nag, complain, mock, attack, label - just being fine with them thinking all that crap and allowing them to have these conslusions.
We learned in ACE ACoA to fix someone's thoughts about us and that all people must have good opinion about us - and this keeps us hooked on narcissistic toxic people - we let go of our goals, tasks, projects, needs - and instead our sole goal in life becomes aligning with their ideology and their words and opinions - without us being aware that this worry what someone thinks about us is the cause of our bad decisions and defense mechanisms which are unhealthy and toxic for us.

YT "Healthy Versus Unhealthy Boundaries, featuring Terri Cole
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"One of biggest myths is if you have good boundaries, you're mean."
I would focus on this urge to be afraid of other person holding an opinion about us that includes this mean label.
That is the central problem, our worry that someone may think badly about us and have bad opinions about us - and then we overcompensate in order to farm someone's good opinion about us - and then we end without boundaries and not knowing who we are.

"Many clients don't know what their preferences are. "
I believe this is due to ACE and ACoA - our Self was never developed since we were criticized by someone in authority power position who acts like narcissists - constant criticism, punishment, nitpicking, error finding, fault finding.
How could we learn that we have rights in such ambient. And then being instructed to worry how other people think and judge about us who we are as person. Then our personality becomes preventive pre-emptive machine that must not have preferences - since preferences mean making someone unhappy for us not being available to smile and work for them and fixing their moods and problems.

I would constantly put this focus back into our view:
that all our problems related to boundaries are stemming from the conditioned fear, reflexive fear, learned fear, hypnotized fear that we depend on what the other person may form image opinion about us in their head - and that is the well of toxic shame where inner criticism and social anxiety is erupting from. We close the trauma rupture - by not caring what other person thinks about us, that we allow other people to hold whatever bad negative opinion about us that they may form in their thinking process. Where of course in reality - we are not 100% in their awareness. Realistically we are cca 5% of their awareness if we are in contact with them. They don't even think about us at all. Even NPDers and BPDers. They have so much hatred they hang onto, so much rancour. Not our split image that they have inside their mind - and let them have it whatever they conjure and being fine with it.
If we are not content with what other people think about us - we will be hooked into toxic shame - trying to please others and trying to make others happy so that they think good about us.

YT "Healing From Narcissistic People with Dr. Ramani - Terri Cole
"

"Narcissism is tactic, they use tactic all the time. Their consistent core self is deeply insecure, combative, wants to be in power, control, dominating, needs a lot of admiration. They switch the rules once they have you where they want you. If you could educate people they'd know what they are up against. And at minimum they's stop blaming themselves. Stop blaming yourself. This is the them thing. It's not you."
I would like to add - trauma part is us, we are doing them narcissistic supply by caring what they think about us.
This is what gets them hooks on us. The care what someone will think about me - is what they need, this responds to their narcissism. The solution is to allow them to think whatever they want, no matter how angry they are.
And once we are not changing them and once we do not people please and change ourselves to soothe their moods - we will be dull to them and they will find another supply - someone who is afraid of someone thinking badly about oneself.

(29.4.2024)

Tim's newest video about Toxic shame helped me realize the truth about social anxiety, something that I struggled with - carrying what other people think, that I allow other people think whatever the come up with and not feel urge to fix myself in order to change their conclusions about me.
That realization helped me!

YT ""How to feel more valuable in social situations #adhd #socialanxiety #selftalk"

Idea that we nitpick our thoughts will lead to more anxiety. Because now we are trying to convince our unconscious traumatized brain into something that brain knows is not true.
If we are feeling like we need to convince ourselves to be valid - this is smoking gun of trauma - that we either were exposed to toxic people in the past, or we are still surrounded by toxic people who criticize and manipulate and control others and we stay around this toxicity.
The reason why we think negatively to ourselves, and beat ourselves up is because of trauma - we were exposed to critical mentally ill evil people who harm others with unfair unjust criticism in order for them to feel good about themselves. When we are exposed to such ACE AcoA ambient while growing up - we will learn to change and nitpick ourselves in order to please other people.
So instead of changing ourselves even more - it is about healing this trauma that was formed under high pressure of punishment and repetitiveness and receptiveness (operant conditioning) - so in order to stop this social anxiety is to allow other people to think whatever they want and have whatever conclusions about us - with or without errors, with our without flaws, with or without wins, with or without us trying to beat social anxiety panic.
Replacement thoughts will signify to our trauma people pleasing brain that we must perform perfectly to others, and we still place other people in our focus and locus of our control. Other people still control us - even though we try to put boundaries against toxic people and toxic people's real or imagined criticism about us how flawed and errored we are.

"When I was young, social situations, especially showers and parties, were incredibly stressful for me.
At about 30 years old, I decided there had to be other people who were feeling as awkward as I did, and I made it my mission to help everyone else feel welcome and remove the social pressure to be perfect.
As an introvert, it has changed my life in the social sphere. I am 47 now."

That sounds as amazing advice and rule for socializing
however unfortunately in real life we will encounter toxic people and people who are not overtly toxic but they are still manipulative behind the scenes and behind their mask of angel and saint.
People who struggle with social anxiety are stuck with such toxic ambient - due to low finances, low self esteem, lack of education in NPD etc.
The basic thing to remember is to be okay with other people hating us and that they are allowed to think badly about us - and that we still carry on with our goals, tasks, projects and ideas in life as if their bad opinion and their bad words about us cannot deter us from our life and living our life.

"It's wild how i treat everyone with kindness, including people i dont particularly like, but treat the person i spend 100% of my time around with open hostility"

This happens because we were conditioned to worry what other people may think about us. So people whom we know very well fall under "us" category - and then we treat good nice friendly people as we treat ourselves - as crap. While in the same time, as you said - we treat hostile people with respect and people pleasing.
This is something we learned in ACE aCoA ambient while growing up - this is not our core soul personality, this is Pavlovian dog conditioning. And to break it up - is to be fine with what other people think about us. Just be okay with their snide remarks, with their hate, with their self righteous attitude behavior words and thoughts that they have. Simply accept them and their evil brain and their conclusions about us - and turn instead to our self , what we like and what we need to do in life.

¸"or people will try to say ing bragging and thats not how i want to be seen, so i hold myself back."
Yep, that is the core of social anxiety and I call it social anxiety trauma. It is not disorder. It is trauma. We were traumatized and conditioned in ACE ACoA ambient to worry what other people think and we place on a god position their conclusions and thoughts about us - and then we fawn to make them happy and fix their annoyances about us. Ending us being passive and avoidant.
So if people say that we are bragging - ok. We will still do what we started to be doing with them saying this or not. Just allow them, the trick is to not trying to fix ourselves as reaction to whatever people may say or think about us. The problem is with ACE and ACoA we do not know what we want in life, we don't know who we are, we repressed our true self - and instead we spent our whole life people pleasing and deforming ourselves like pretzel in order for making other people like us and accept and validate us. Which is called External locus of control. The healing is when we are simply okay with whatever people say or do or think about us - and that we focus our attention to intrinsic locus of control, our common sense instead, our knowledge and our experience about any task or job.

"I figured this out way before I got my diagnosis and it really helped me to not get stuck in holes of negativity."

Sometimes negative is okay. Positive bias is as much as harmful as negative bias.
Our anxiety, our worry is important element in protecting ourselves from the harm and bad people.
The problem is that due to trauma - toxic people exploited and farmed our natural negative shadow emotions against ourselves and now we are ashamed of being flawed and imperfect - and instead we place all, but ALL our focus on what other people think about us. In order to stop this - instead of blocking our panic and worry and intrusive thoughts, pureOCD - the trick is to allow other people to think whatever they want to think about us - and us being fine with it.
And our job is to focus on our job and our common sense - and not about predicting what other person will think about us and what they want us to be like. Just being fine with other people criticism and their hatred.
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"I tend to avoid social situations i have social anxiety

"

When we label ourselves as anxiety - we will soon start to develop anxious personality. And even though there is no danger out there, we will tend to make conclusions and decisions based on this fake persona that we believe we are.
Social anxiety is trauma.
If we split open social anxiety, this is beneath it: fear of what other people may think critically and judgmentally and self-righteous about us.
That is all.
The panic that we feel,
the worry that we experience,
the avoidance that we take -
these are all byproducts of the central problem: belief that what other people think is important to us and that we must change and align ourselves to someone's criticism, real or imagined one.
The truth is -
we can allow other people to think whatever they want about us. Just allow them to hate us and judge us. Simply allow all the negativity to be in their head. This criticism that they have is mental illness and them being evil inside them. Let them have what they consciously choose to harbor inside them. This poison will kill them in the end.
Just allow them to them choose their own poison and that we do not twist ourselves into pretzel by trying others to have good thoughts about us. This is not our job, we cannot change others by changing ourselves or removing ourselves from life. We learned this behavior in ACE ACoA childhood. Healing means - that we shift our focus about life to our goals, our needs, our jobs, our project, our ideas and being fine with other people thinking whatever they choose to think.

Nope, worrying what other people think by twisting our natural thoughts and natural reactions to toxic people will cause more of anxiety. And more of people pleasing and fawning to toxic people.
Instead of twisting our brain into pretzel by trying to achieve perfectionism - the better course of action would be planning to remove ourselves from toxic ambient permanently - by relocation or changing job or gray rock method.
Social anxiety comes down to worry what other people think about us. Just allow them to think whatever they want and whatever they choose about us. And not changing a damn thing about us in this process of knowing what toxic people may think or form opinion about us.

"I'm able to think like that only either when I get offended while being severely drunk, or during a crippling depression after trying to distract myself, then crying for many hours, staring at a wall without glasses for blurriness while listening to Freaks (Doomer), and only if I haven't cried myself to sleep at this point."

What would happen if you say - ok - let other people think whatever judgement they might have, either in their mind or spoken out loud to us?
Just be fine with it. And accept it. And instead of changing ourselves to please their narrative of criticism - to focus on what we like and our ideas and our common sense. Can you do that?
When we worry so much what other people may say or think about us - this is called External Referencing locus of control, it is also called Codependency, and it is also called Trauma bonding.

The healing part is intrinsic locus of control. Which mean that we know what we like, what we dislike, without covering this up or modulating in order to adapt to conformism and herd mentality and group think. Just to know what we want from life - and then build our life on this - our natural goals and needs and values that are true to ourselves.

"Just stop trying to find value from other people, your worth is not the worth you can get from other people."
Yes -
but most people with social anxiety 1) don't know what is their value, their own goals in life - and instead they worry and twist their needs into what other person may think or criticize about it
2) socially anxious people are traumatized into thinking that stopping what value is to other people - by thinking we must go into wars and confrontations with other people. And they of course stop this, since socially anxious people are not narcissistic , they are not antagonistic, they do not want fights. So the trick is into modulating this "stop trying to find value from other people," sentence into:
"just be fine with what other people think and criticize and value or invalidate about us" - just be okay with other people's hatred and aggression and their bias and prejudices.

When we learn what we like and when we realize we are allowed to have our own human rights - we will naturally move away from toxic people and join into jobs task and interests that are our true colors and our true values, which are not twisted into pretzel of worrying how to fix ourselves and other people all the time in order to make other people magically finally approve us.

"Stop caring what others think. It will do wonders for your overall mental health."
Yep.
I learned this advice very early on. But it does not work for socially anxiuos.
I learned "Who Cares" ideology from MTV in 1993 - and I just could not apply it to myself. Why bother generation x did not stick onto me. I ended in fact worrying even more about what other people think about me.
And yesterday I realized what was the problem.
It is not about stopping at all.
It is about allowing other people to think whatever they think about anything. ALLOWING it. Not stopping.
Not building trump walls. It is about allowing other people being mean and hateful - and then shifting our focus onto what we like instead and what I need in life, what makes me happy and what jobs and tasks I need to do, what is common sense that I need to fulfill and do in life.
With stopping advice - I ended up thinking that now I am in serious danger because I must spend all my focus and energy and money into blocking toxic people - and hence in the process I make them into triumph and great enemy that I cannot fight or beat against. In reality - nothing will happen if someone hates me or criticize me. I believed that there will be Armageddon and that I must perform rituals and be perfect in order to twist myself into pretzel by changing myself and performing perfectly in order to avoid someone's negative thoughts about me. What I learned- I can ALLOW other people hate how much they choose to hate themselves - this is not my business to fix or change myself to please their thoughts and opinions and their conclusions about whatever bugs and annoys them.

The idea that we skew our reality leads to paranoia and delusions.
Reality is reality - we cannot change it. We do not have god like abilities to fix other people or remove toxic people. If we go around with pollyanna attitude 1) we will continually end up with toxic people over and over again 2) we will fail to learn from bad things in life 3) we will end up being codependent - since we won't develop skills how to handle toxic people other than twisting ourselves into pretzel to please their neverending manipulative criticism and coercive control.

"Replacement thoughts!!

"

This is horrible idea. Soon it will turn into 1) self witch hunt 2) ocd 3) scapegoating our brain for any annoyance that happens to us 4) toxic shame 5) inner critic will have a field day with this idea. It is like giving nazi party full power to do whatever they want to do to keep the state "clean" - including the crime and attrocities.

"if you operate under the premise that I worry about what they think, you are absolutely correct.
I, however, worry about what I think. My natural thoughts, as you put it very well."

Yep. This is the second layer of the problem, That is what makes social anxiety slippery devil that we cannot catch neither with holding on its head or legs, it slips like fish.

First and foremost layer of social anxiety is worrying what other people think. Even CBT and DSM state this as description of social anxiety: fear of criticism and negative judgement.
HOWEVER there is actually
Second layer that CBT nor DSM do not mention at all because trauma is ignored.
Due to ACE and ACoA - we do not have Self. We have no idea what we like. We have no idea what we truly want in life and what is our purpose. Instead, our jobs, goals, projects - these are all skewed with the first layer: fear of conformism and group think and social pressure. Without us being aware that all our self our preferences are thwarted and molded by worrying what other people think.
This happens on unconscious level - we have absolutely no idea that we never developed our true self at all.

And then we end up with the problem that you mention: ", worry about what I think. My natural thoughts, as you put it very well."
Problem is - these are not our natural thoughts at all. They are conglomeration of inner critic, ace acoa toxic people around us who criticized us while we need to receive love and validaition in life. So what appear as "natural" to us - is un-natural. It is other people's wishes, their demands, their criticism, their punishment, their rejection - that molded and created the temporary self that appears to us as "natural self". But in fact is fake self, rigid self, it is toxic shame.

And this means - that this un-natural self that we worry about - is actually still the first layer: it is fear of other people, their judgement and their criticism that we introjected into us as our own. That is what is causing social anxiety.
We simply are unable to develop our true self - and that way we attract toxic people and stay in toxic ambient - which created loop of toxic shaming and criticism that appears as natural self to us.
As I said - the trick is to accept it. Validate it - allow other people to hate no matter how much the want and choose to hate and judge us. Just be fine with it.
And our second job is to uncover our true self - like experts who uncover dinosaur remnants from the ground - that is what we need to do, to discover who we are.
-
“What we call the personality is often a jumble of genuine traits and adopted coping styles that do not reflect our true self at all but the loss of it.”
Quote by Gabor Maté

Because in the end - we end up like Atlas holding on the burden of this world on our shoulders. We walk around with toxic shame belief that we are abnormal and that our decisions and life is weird and unacceptable. But unacceptable to whom?
If we are not serial killers - there is NOTHING abnormal or wrong about us.
If we have no hidden agenda to cause harm to other people - there is NOTHING inside us that we must worry about.
IT is toxic people who gaslight us and brainwash us into believing that our natural thoughts are wrong and that we must twist like pretzel into their definition about what is acceptable in society. Even though we do EVERYTHING right and morally and ethically correct - toxic people will still find faults with out natural thoughts and who we are inside.
So the trick is - okay - let them be hateful. Let them be judgmental and self righteous - and that we STILL no matter what carry on what we believe is morally and ethically normal duty obligation common sense to do.

Nope. When we tell ourselves "I still haven't messed up" there is condition implied. There is also worry and hypervigilance about dangerous world filled with us messing it up.
But the central question is - according to whom?
Who is the one that labels something as mess?
Non critical, normal, healthy, sane people would call it growing and learning from experience and mistakes that are natural part of life.
On the other hand,
toxic people, our toxic shame in association with our toxic inner critic - would be obsessed with perfectionism and us being person who is not allowed to mess up. And if we mess up then there is Armageddon and nobody will forgive us.
The trick is - to be fine with people labeling us as mess and people noticing our mess. And just being fine with it.
If we are workaholics, if we have high moral and ethical standards, if we take 110% of care not to harm anyone - then I think we should ease up our standards and trust our brain and body that it is really doing anything humanly possible to not mess up at all. So we let go of the witch hunt and allow other people to hold grudge and hatred for us messing something non important up.

YT "How I Beat Social Anxiety"

This won't work - because this hyper inner critic will tell us now : that we are worthy as human being only when we interact with all people.
While in reality - there are many toxic people out there that should not be allowed to enter our personal space in the first place.
Secondly, with idea that we are worthy only when we socialize - we are giving ourselves message that our self worth is conditioned with other people's approval and love and their admiration.
The trick is - to accept that other people will hate us and form negative emotions and conclusions about us.
Second part is - our self was never developed - so we have no idea what we like in life. Our persona instead was formed under social pressure and external criticism - so we never learned who we are as person. We need to uncover who we are, and do ourselves what we want from life - that may cause many people to hate us and attack us - but do it anyway. If we are not serial killers and when we have no hidden agenda to harm other people - there is nothing in our needs and desires and wants that is abnormal or deserving of random people's criticism. Just allow them to hate and keep grinding our stuff that we truly like.

Zombifying ourselves and lobotomizing ourselves is not the solution.
We can't do socializing with toxic people around. And that is normal. It is normal to feel disgust around disgusting people. It is normal to hate going around people who are critical, who are hateful, judgmental, self righteous and aggressive.
But there are people out there who are normal, healthy and sane. And our job is to align our self with who we are, the self that is not depended on approval and validation from all people - and then socializing will not be filled with overstimulation anymore.

His messages are filled with conditions and hidden contract - that we are okay only if we perform circus tricks that neurotypical patriarchy system wants from us: to be happy, to wear fake social mask and to interact with ALL people - even those who are toxic and abnormal and psychopathic.

YT "If you have social anxiety watch this video…😬‼️📲"

"You have social anxiety because you think everybody is watching you"
Nope.
Social anxiety exists as fear of someone's criticism and negative judgement. It has nothing to do with someone's watching our pictures in yearbook for example.

"Everyone else thinks exact same way"
Nope-
there are psychopaths and NPDers and jerks who think that their self esteem and value works only if they put other people down in some way or another.

"Stop judging"
Nope.
3rd strike and you're out.
If we stop something - we will do it more. This is called Ironic processing theory.
The trick is to accept that other people judge and be fine with it. Nothing bad will happen if we allow other people be negative and judgmental about us.
Those psychopaths who punish and attack other people - they do this because they are evil and mentally ill and they will harm other people no matter if we twist ourselves into pretzel or not.

"What you said is very true, we think that we are in the spotlight but turns out everyone thinks that so there is no need to be insecure about yourself because everyone is insecure"

Except that there are toxic people out there who are determined to abuse others in order to feel good about themselves.
Then this "advice" how everyone is insecure will fall flat.
Social anxiety is fear of criticism and someone thinking badly about us. Social anxiety is not about observation and looking - it is criticism and judgmental component that makes up social anxiety.
And nope-solution is not to block it. But to allow other people to be jerks and to have jerky thoughts as much as they like - as long as we do not twist ourselves into pretzel to avoid their bad conclusions about us.

"For me it was realizing that almost everybody this earth, I don’t know, will never know, or never see again
Why would you ever be afraid of someone judging you because oh you wore a different shirt out, or you dressed up, you went outside and were yourself.
It’s an illogical argument saying people are gonna judge. They just won’t. Unless your shooting heroine in the streets nothings gonna happen"

This realization will help to anyone who was not subjected to ACE and ACoA. This is how neurotypicals get rid of shyness and social anxiety - since there is no toxic shame nor inner critic inside to wreck havoc. And this attitude will make neurotypicals be true do themselves choosing healthier jobs. While those with ACoA will gravitate towards chaos and drama unconsciously keeping themselves in prison of social anxiety.

"I just think of other peoples as npc and myself as a character"

This leads to narcissistic disorder - overcompensation and superiority complex. Very dangerous thinking that leads to mental illness and severe personality disorder which is hard to cure. You will end up treating people like crap and destroying other people's lives one after another. Then this "spotlight concept" effect falls flat on its face.

"while trying to present myself as interesting because for some reason, Ide rather have people approach me than me "
so called "some reason" is fear of judgement and fear of negative criticism, aka social anxiety.
Due to trauma in childhood (exposure to invalidation and criticism while growing up) we ended up with belief that we must twist ourselves into pretzel in order to pre-emptively avoid someone's bad thoughts and bad conclusions about us.
The secret is to allow them to have judgements - and in the same time that we discover who we are, what is our mission in life, and what makes us happy. As long as we are not serial killers and anti-social monsters - we are allowed to show our true colors and live them. Fully.

" im not insecure and am always psychoanalysing the way everyone around me acts"

This happens because we are conditioned to worry what other people think about us and what conclusions they came up in their minds about us. And then we end up twisting ourselves into pretzel to avoid their anger and hate. Just allow them to hate. Allow other people to have whatever conclusions that their mind comes up with. Be fine with it.
And instead of controlling them, live our life as we want it.

YT "6 Steps to Conquer Social Anxiety in Public Spaces
"

Exposure will not work because socially anxious people have inner critic and toxic shame that is thwarting events and they put the brain into lookout what other people think about us.
This CBT exposure ends up as people pleasing and fawning and Mate Crime - because inner critic nor toxic shame is not addressed as major self sabotaging element.

Social anxiety is not phobia - it will not go away with exposure to feared object as phobia goes away.
- / -
I go out and I have a blast. I see people I know, watch show in a club, I talk. And it feels good, invigorated. And..next day I will feel anxious again about doing the same thing! You would think after so many times of positive reinforcement
🟥JamesCamacho
- / -

This happens because social anxiety is trauma issue. We did not catch social anxiety by walking randomly in the street and catching it like common cold. Social anxiety - comes from ACE and ACoA, exposure to long term criticism and nagging and complaining and punishments.

Using our logical brain to handle unconscious brain by suppressing it and dissociating it and convincing ourselves that toxic people are not toxic - is really terrible idea.

Because you do not mention toxic people and oppressive situations like lack of finances and mobbing, aka real life situations.

CBT is focusing too much on unnecessary unimportant things like shopping and groceries and logic brain that we make ourselves into some kind of machine and zombie, that is conformist and depends on groupthink herd mentality neurotypical patriarchy "values" and ideology - as if holding door to someone will help us not feeling toxic shame.

Social anxiety stems from fear of criticism and fear of negative judgements of other people upon us.
So obvious solution is to allow other people to have bad thoughts about us. Allow other people to have judgements.
Just allow it all - without us twisting ourselves into pretzel to change their opinions and conclusions. Real or imagined. Just allow them to be critical jerks who are judgmental.
And then we lean on our Self - who we are and what we like to do in life, what is our job, what is our task at hand - as the primary focus. Not changing ourselves in order to avoid someone's bad thoughts about us. The central focus here is someone's beliefs that we cannot bare or endure to experience. Without us being aware of it at all, this goes unconsiously.

"Crushing Social Anxiety with Simple Tricks for Social Success"

"preventing negative outcomes from happening"
Nope.
It is attempt to prevent other people have negative thoughts about us.
That is the motor of social anxiety.
Inability to allow other people to have bad conclusions about us which are negative.
The secret lies in allowing other people to have conclusions about us no matter what they come up with - and in the same time - that we do what we truly want to do and need to do - intrinsic locus of control.

"Social anxiety suks"

Nope. Social anxiety is alarm system that something is wrong.
Social anxiety is byproduct of ACE and ACoA while growing up -we were exposed to mentally ill parent or toxic people who had hard time in regulating their hysteria - and we learned that it is our duty to fix other people and to worry what other person think about us - since we learned very early on that someone's anger especially if anger is about us - is dangerous and we must twist ourselves into pretzel in order to avoid someone's anger and bad thoughts about us.
We also learned to cover up and suppress our true self and instead that we build make shift fake personality that is conformist and based on social pressure. Which means we will choose toxic jobs, rat race, money to impress other people so that they do not hate us.

The secret lies in accepting other people thinking whatever thoughts that they may produce in their head - and be fine with it. And then us doing life from the basis of what we deem is correct - NOT what we think other may think in their heads about us.

YT "Is Social Anxiety Serious illness? | Understand in one Video: Symptoms, Causes, Treatment | SMQ
"

"But in reality nothing like that is happening"
okay.
What happens when it really does happen? When other people are laughing and mocking us?
What then? How it is called then? Does label mobbing or bullying makes social anxiety less of social anxiety? Nope.
so right at the start - there is distorted definition of social anxiety. CBT describes social anxiety as hallucination. This way CBT is shaming and pathologizing anyone gone through abuse, bullying and mobbing.

"there are no types of social anxiety"
There is spectrum. Something that CBT is not recognizing - not because it stems from trial to help people but because crude and rigid definitions make DSM function. This way , this neurotypical approach suffers from Aristotelian splitting black and white thinking - where people are randomly diagnosed and labeled quickly or misdiagnosed even more quickly.

"Common symptoms of social anxiety"
CBT is mixing up the root of social anxiety with its byproducts. The cause is fear of judgement. The avoidance of people is byproduct of this trauma. These are not symptoms - but byproducts.

"Good sleep"
will not help with fear of judgement trauma.
Giving false hope is borderline with hoax and scam.

"Treatment"
CBT - is ableist therapy that is doing more harm than good.

You missed the central point of social anxiety: fear of judgement of other people, fear of negative judgement.
That is all.
CBT is making fuss about depression and anxiety - while the central spring well from where the distortions is popping up is ignored under the wood of unnecessary data and unimportant information.
It is fear of what other people think about us. Inability to be okay with what other people come up in their minds about us.
This toxic shame is cured easily - being fine with other people thinking whatever conclusions that they have about us. Let them hate. Let them have wrong and false conclusions. Just be fine with other people thinking badly about us - so that we no longer twist ourselves into pretzel by trying to avoid someone's bad judgement about us.

Then, since social anxiety stems from toxic shame, inner critic - it is forged in ACE and ACoA - which means that complex trauma will prevent socially anxious to go beyond conformism and groupthink herd mentality. We will cover up what we truly like in life and try to fit in into general society - which is not homogenic to begin with. We try to fit ourselves into general idea that all people must like us and have good thoughts about us - and of course this fantastic idea that was conditioned into us - is dysfunctional and will cause us to feel social anxiety.
Chances are that if we struggle with social anxiety- that there were toxic people in our past and in the present - and that we are unable to cut toxic people off because we try hard to fix negative thoughts about us. This must stop- by allowing other people to think whatever they want - and us moving our attention and focus onto our needs goals desires, common sense and our self as GPS. Not other people's conclusions about us as our guiding light.

"howdy….i am 1976 :). May I agree and add that in a recent toxic person encounter, I listened politely, I disagreed politely, then I took my notes from under the bully’s phone, stood and said simply, “You do not intimidate me.” Then I walked away. It felt…triumphant."

Hehe that is great.
But many people who struggle with bullies cannot walk away - due to finances. At toxic job there are toxic customers and or boss and or colleagues - that people cannot walk away from due to inability to find another source of income. This is also called power dynamics and or oppression. Unfortunately in such cases, being positive will not work. Also, being defiant and cutting contact will not work.
That kind of people end up with social anxiety issues - when they grow up in toxic families with criticism and scapegoating, too.
I see the only solution - as to allow toxic people to be toxic. That we do not twist ourselves into pretzel - and this includes rules and defenses and mechanisms through which we try to protect ourselves from the bullying by trying to appear superior to them aka trying to exert their respect and validation and awe. That is all form of trying to influence how toxic people think about us - and that is the central problem, our core addiction towards toxic people and trying to please them even by overcompensation and patriarchy macho games or soap opera sneak behavior.
This is at the core of personality disorder, narcissists have this desire to influence people - and it is very hard to explain to people with personality disorder who are anti-social what they are doing and how much it is harmful to be stuck in these mind games, who is the better, competition.
Fortunately, socially anxious people are open to listen and to try to get the message - and hence can come on through the other side of being sane and healthy.

(30.4.2024)

"Definitely is Anxiety"
But that is the central problem
1) we do not have machines that measure emotions. We only have statistical manual - which is based on Researcher bias and Survivorship bias (only people who are vocal have the say - and usually those are wounded narcissists and impulsive borderliners)
2) when we label and stigmatize ourselves with weaponized psychology, we end up building this fake persona that is based on drama and hysteria and then start to make decisions on life which are based on victimhood mentality. We have full choice to respond and to react and to make actions - but we lean onto the diagnosis because we are now brainwashed into thinking that mysterious and unknown emotions that we feel are somehow anxiety- This way we end up being sick through our own choice since we believe there are no other constructs, no other explanations, no other alternatives to what we feel and how to explain what we feel.
Sometimes feeling anxiety is great shield and excuse. If we are lazy and antisocial we can easily play victim and tell everyone that we are anxious and hypersensitive and this way easily evade our responsibilities in life. This is now full blown covert narcissism.

(1.5.2024)

"experiencing number 3 right now at school pickup time"
If we experience mobbing and bullying and coercive control that I described at number 3 - this means we need to start document it.
This is criminal act. People who are attacking and extorting others are committing crime. In some states coercive control is criminal act.
Also-
when we experience shocking and trauma events in life - we will tend to react with 4 malignancies as Sam Vaknin said in his lectures. One of those is reaction to self consuming - we end up being preoccupied with ourselves to unhealthy levels and we are unable to see what is going on around us.

Finally - with social anxiety we have Lookout Glass Self - which means we twist ourselves into pretzel to please people and we are afraid of what they think about us - through masking and overcompensation and fawning. The cure is - to accept toxic people being toxic and not trying to impress them and that we do not base our worth on their thinking about us.

YT "5 clues to spot a covert narcissist in conversation
"

What bugs me is when someone goes through this - he or she will be labeled with social anxiety, diagnosed as issue of social anxiety - since anyone trying to appease and please covert narc will end up with all social anxiety symptoms.
And the worst thing is that official medical response to social anxiety is the message: you are the problem yourself. That toxic people do not exist. That other people cannot make us feel anything - that we are producing the toxic stress with our explanations and our thoughts. While this is somewhat true (looking glass self theory) - someone being pathological liar, having hidden agenda and presenting themselves as victim or friend - this is no longer a matter of our thoughts and emotions. This is assault. This is programmed attack, control and manipulation. This is serious issue - and CBT and self help industry ignore the impact of narcissists, psychopaths and all kinds of predators - with or without diagnosis of NPD.

YT "The Looking Glass Self
"

I have obvious question - elephant in the room.
Why on earth this is NOT mentioned in any social anxiety resources nor resources about Quiet BPD nor resources about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and narcissism - both narcs and victims of narc abuse?
Instead people who suffer from looking glass self are being pathologized, misdiagnosed with all sorts of diagnosis that mislead people into believing that they are crazy, weak, pathetic and abnormal.
Horrible on what planet we live on. This theory is 100 years old and I never ever heard about it - and I am studying social anxiety since 1996!

This is what bugs me. I am intentionally looking for this theory and I could not access it.
And yet random guys who are not benefiting from this information catch it randomly without being aware that they are holding diamond in the rough, pearls being cast to them and mistake it for the mud.
Since 2015 I am spending weekly you tube patrols in order to learn about social anxiety - and yet this concept/ theory never came up in the search, not in any of millions of videos that I have seen ever mention this amazing discovery at all!!
This makes me so angry I could scream! But I am pleased I have find it already.
The closest information about this concept I discovered cca 6 months ago in this video, I'll need to go to this guy comments section now and introduce him with Looking glass Self - since he is in the dark too and suffers without this beneficial data for him:

I'm sometimes afraid of going outside because I'm afraid that my neighbors are going to see me and then judge me for my yard not being good. I just assume people are judging me all the time. You bring a complaint to narcissist or something that's hurting you in any way – concern, pity, we always assume this is you judging us and telling us we have to be better.
🟥 Narcissists ALWAYS think you’re judging them

I was in this head space of everyone thinks I'm weak and pathetic and they're judging me. I'm lashing out at people left and right. I had to call my buddies and you don't hate me, right? I'm convinced that I'm laughing stock everywhere because I feel like a failure all the time. This constant feeling of just everyone thinks you're not good enough, everyone thinks you're pathetic and I can't escape it.
🟥 Narcissists ALWAYS think you’re judging them

It's insane that I have this strong emotional reaction to all this. It's why do I care so much about what people that I view as beneath me think of me. It does not make sense logically. And it makes me feel inferior on relying on the opinions of other people. But I can't escape it. The idea that anybody dislikes, judging me, or has an opinion about me that I don't like is actively distressing.
🟥 Narcissists ALWAYS think you’re judging them

A lot of times in fairness I do deserve some of opinion. A lot of times some of these opinions are not even false. But just knowing that people have those ideas about me, those thoughts about me – I can't handle it. That someone hold opinion that I don't want them to have will make me self-destructive. It's so ridiculous saying it out loud. It's pathetic that I am having those reactions to the bunch of nobody's. All the time.
🟥 Narcissists ALWAYS think you’re judging them

90 percent of people cannot leave their toxic ambient.
And all of them will never receive information about Looking Glass Self - and hence they will keep stuck in prison of toxic shame. So the updates are gloomy. Hopefully channels like this one and from Dr Ramani and Surviving Narcissism and Lisa Romano and Terri Cole and Jerry Wise etc - can break this gloom.

-
YT "How To Be Confident When You Have No Value"

Toxic shame and lack of confidence and various ideas of making money, social attractiveness and success - are all plagued if we base them on Looking Glass Self, concept discovered 100 years ago.
I believe our true core Self knows what we need and what makes us happy - and this may not include rat race and staying in toxic job or in toxic ambient. I am not sure that we need to engage in recursive thinking (finding ways how to manifest our improved self) - all we need to do is resolve Looking Glass Self and allow our inner GPS to guide us in life.

(2.5.2024)

"You're aware that personalities are ever changing, right? This means you won't stay an INFJ forever."

The last time I took Personality test was in 2014 - 10 years ago.
I took it right now, because of your comment - I wanted to check if anything changes - ESPECIALLY because in last 4 years I have filled my mind with discoveries and instructions about social anxiety that actually changed a little how I interact with people in manner where I advocate for myself more - so I was thinking when I read your comment - well, there had to be some change in my personality - especially in contrast of 1o years ago when I was in toxic job.

And lookie look - I am still INFJ.

Your personality type is:
Advocate
Your full personality type code isINFJ-T

Advocates are quiet visionaries, often serving as inspiring and tireless idealists.

So..
you are definitely wrong.
The last 4 years I learned about Complex Trauma, Fawning, Emotional Dysregulation, Looking Glass Self, Polyvagal Theory - mind blowing concepts that are at the heart of personality - and I am still the same as I was 10 years ago when most of my interactions with people were under the veil of ignorance and lack of proper information how to handle life.

(3.5.2024)

YT "The 5 Rules that Will Change Your Dating Life as a Gay or Bisexual Man
"

When we have bad experiences, we will become toxic ourselves -we will become dis-trustful and see red flags everywhere due to trauma. This makes us toxic without us being aware that we see negative in neutral things, and seeing toxic in neutral things is toxic itself. Double toxicity. Healing would be to start trusting people once again and ease up with too strict boundaries that are pathologizing anything that moves.

YT "How to find Radical Acceptance
"

I find the same issue with social anxiety tips and advice - it is the same as in article of New York Times where social anxiety is explained away as some mere shyness issue. And when I write comment - 90 percent of authors write me back that social anxiety that they describe is not that serious or deep. And then I reply to them - well anyone struggling with social anxiety does not have shyness issue - otherwise they would live their life, they would not spend precious time in watching care free video about social anxiety being explained away as a hallucination thing.

Therapy in CBT is focused on self blame and exposure to toxic people - which makes shame worse. There is no explanation of accepting other people to be toxic and allowing them to be toxic without us trying to fix them with our correcting avoidant behavior

(5.5.2024)

" I don't see any reference whatsoever to those things. They are happy, it works for them"
You are correct.
I was writing from the place of DSM and CBT where any relationship is pathologized unless it is hyper-independent. For example, not having boundaries is pathologizes as codependency.
Yesterday I learned totally new concept - called Michelangelo phenomena - where couples chisel each other into better person. I loved this concept - it totally dismiss messages from self help books, various coaches and CBT about having boundaries with people.

(6.5.2024)

YT "Social Anxiety at Parties? Use These Easy Tricks :)
"

"I don't like social events" is splitting, it is over-generalizing. Social events are at spectrum , like human mind.
Social event may mean you 2, 3 favorite person but it also means hanging around ex bosses and ex colleagues who harassed you at previous job. Two different types of social events - they are not the same. Splitting is usual byproduct of trauma, that mix and latch onto social anxiety easily and then appears as one entity - that everything is bad, that everyone is bad.
Then all that happens is self-fulfilling prophecy like Golem Effect. We come with bad attitude and then we see bad in eveything and leave with bad taste in our mouth and belief that we are socially anxious - while in reality we talked ourselves into hating people and socializing.

"People wrote down questions and put them in pocket as back up to natural conversation"
Being fake and pretending to mask our traits is really bad idea and it leads to more anxiety.

"Be naturally curious"
This is the central problem with social anxiety.
Social anxiety by definition is fear of criticism and negative evaluation. This is also called broken Looking-Glass Self concept - where we form our identity and self worth based on what we think other person will think about us.
Then this means we put other people on pedestal - and this is how we end with social anxiety.
Nobody told us while growing up that we allow toxic people to be toxic and not trying to accommodate our needs over prioritizing other people's needs. This is all we need to do - to allow people think we are clutz and clown, let them think this about us, without us trying to fawn into liking us. Then we will remove the burden of trying to please other people, which is social anxiety.
Instead of be naturally curious - be naturally authentic and yourself.
If we do not like harassing other people by being boring to them or trying to please other people so that they do not know that they bore us - better approach is to embarrass ourselves by being truly ourselves without masking.

After all - people who are most charming and popular - are those who are anti-social and who do not follow any courteous social norms. They gossip. They curse. They attack. They roast others. They are basically jerks - and everyone likes them.

"Book is called super communicators by charles duhigg

"

Sounds like instruction to develop fake personality and narcissism. Being dependent on other people's approval and their validation in order to feel self worth. It does not work in real life. Self help books are farming us and steal our money, by providing us BS advice and toxic shame - it is mate crime.

7 days later and i- learned that actually it is not inner critic that is sabotaging us.
It is similar to inner critic,
It is broken Looking-glass Self that is doing the damage.
IT is concept from sociology that was discovered 100 years ago but CBT is censoring it.
We form our Self based on what we think other people are thinking about us.
With broken Looking Glass Self - we end up with social anxiety where we presume that other people hate us and then we feel anxiety and try to please the other person in order that they think well of us.
The solution is - to simply allow other people to form their opinion about us as much distorted as they do - accepting that they have distorted beliefs about us, and doing nothing to change their mind.

YT "3 simple foundations for overcoming social anxiety
"

I suffer from social anxiety since May of 1990.
I started to read about it since 1996 intensively - reading "billions" of self help books, trying therapy for social phobia (it was called phobia in 1998) and talking over support groups about it -

and social anxiety is concept in Sociology that was discovered 100 years ago by Cooley in 1902.
Looking-glass self.

Looking glass self - as you said in the video - is created by toxic society, shame culture ambient.
Looking-glass self when it is broken - we get social anxiety. We try hard to get approval by other people.
Looking - glass self is when we build our self worth and our identity based on what other people think about us who we are.
In broken looking glass self we try hard to fix and cure other people who are toxic to us - by changing their conclusions about us - and then we end with social anxiety panic and people pleasing.
The solution is to allow toxic people and other people to think wrongly about us - without trying to change them with our fawning behavior where we try hard to convince other people to like us. Just allow them to be angry without us being afraid what will happen if they hate us.

Social anxiety due to trauma comes in package - so there are other issues associated with social anxiety - and we need to "cure" these with healthy coping mechanisms that we never taught nor observed in ACE ACoA childhood when we were exposed to constant criticism:

I would add to learn about Looking - Glass Self - concept from Sociology which was discovered in 1902 but nobody explained us that it is social anxiety described here- and then we end pathologizing and blaming ourselves for feeling social anxiety- while in reality we are suffering from broken Looking-Glass Self.

"Well you can manipulate social anxiet at your will to litteraly read people like a book
"
There is a problem with this approach. It is not ethical.
When we manipulate and control other people - this is anti-social and it is path to narcissism and psychopathy.
The goal in life is interdependence aka Michelangelo phenomena - where people share ideas and help each other to chisel one another.
When we come from the place of broken Looking-Glass Self - we will be in toxic mode all the time, defensive mode where we perceive toxic people as bad and that we must fight against them - and this then ends up as self fulfilling prophecy called Golem Effect.
When we manipulate others - we create secrets, drama, hysteria out of nothing,
This will not bode well for our mental health.

YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety In Realtime"

This is tricky CBT issue.
Exposure is spectrum.
IT is not splitting black and white thinking.
Exposure to social situation can mean going to a bar and have a friendly chat.
HOWEVER in the same time social situation may mean living in slum part of city filled with mafia and mass shootings, it also means having toxic job that we rationalize as normal.
When we intellectualize toxic social situations as something to over come - we will end up being stuck in trauma and hysteria.

When we stay with narcissistic and psychopathic people - that will make it worse. So avoiding toxic social situations is actually healthy and sane thing to do.

And after all .- we do not see people relocating to third world countries in order to cure their mental problems -
We do not see rich people abandoning their wealth and living in slum part of the cities in order to overcome their mental issues of fear and panic.

Nope, exposure is tricky - forcing ourselves to be around psychopaths will not make us healthy as much as going to Chernobyl will not make us immune to toxic radiation - It will destroy us instead.

With social anxiety we are dealing with broken Looking-Glass Self - and people who really seek help for social anxiety need to investigate this concept from sociology which was invented 100 years ago but modern resources are censoring us from us - because we are much more farmable when we are ignorant.

YT "3 Habits making your social anxiety 10x worse…😬📉🤖"

Exposure to toxic people will make us more exposed to their hysteria and mate crime.

Neuroticism is personality trait - it is normal and if we pathologize it we will end up with toxic shame and narcissism of self hatred and self rejection.

He is neurotypical - he comes from Dunning Krueger, and it makes bucks when misinformation that sounds good is sell to masses, as Mate Crime.

YT "How Do I Cope w/ Social Anxiety?"

We react to trauma like bullying and ACoA and ACE - with narcissistic malignancies such as self consuming self, where we put ourselves on pedestal and our fears and totally ignore what is going on around us. Instead of placing our values and service to community - we become obsesses with my me I, my my my, me me me, I I I.
This way social anxiety can easily degrade into narcissistic and borderline disorder.

Everyone on Earth being Reflection of self is not hippie idea - but CBT and DSM would like us to pathologize anything that is not psychopathic and selfish.
This idea is actually sociology and it was discovered 100 years ago - with theories of Self, when it was discovered that we do form our identity in response to other people . This information is banned by CBT and DSM and self help industry because we are much more farmable to pharma mafia when we are confused and when all our thinking and emotions are pathologized in order to make us zombified.
-
The truth is:
Theories of the Self
William James (1890): A person has "as many social selves as there are individuals who recognize him and carry and image of him in their minds"
Charles Cooley (1902): Views of self reflect the standpoints of significant others in our lives ("looking-glass self")
George Herbert Mead (1934): We imagine the perspectives of others and incorporate these into our self views - and that this occurs continuously as we interact with others on an ongoing, moment to moment basis.

YT "Signs you might have social anxiety #fyp #tips #socialanxiety #shorts #_xalinax_ #xyzbca"

These are signs of impulsive borderline person, not social anxiety.
Socially anxious do not swear - due to social anxiety itself - fearing what other would think

Social anxiety is when a person stops his or hers life through pervasive avoidance of taking any kind of risks, even when there is no danger out there - and hence miss opportunities in life due to fear of judgement.

YT "How to overcome the social anxiety?"

I am not sure that lobotomy is healthy or sane thing. To turn ourselves into zombies without emotions.
IF we snap off our ability to detect toxic people and psychopaths - we will end up as Mate Crime victims.

YT "How to overcome the social anxiety?"

Mediate will not help much when we are at toxic job filled with mobbing that is causing social anxiety panic overstimulation symptoms - where we are forced into making snap decisions and then mocked and attacked for errors that stem from quick decisions that we had to make due to coercion.
And when we live in poor country and toxic country where finding another job is impossibility - meditation will not help us pay rent and becoming homeless person.

Idea to live without anxiety is horrible toxic idea. We need emotions - including negative ones. Without negative emotions such as disgust - we will lose our ability to cut toxic people off and to recognize them in the first place.

Third idea that we create a special routine as response to anxiety - is path to OCD and mental illness.
Please just stop - what you are doing here is abnormal and it is creating mental illness. You are basically suppressing anger and emotions - and when this builds up - there will be massive explosion like we seen in Sydney shopping mall attack.

YT "What is the Treatment for Social Anxiety Disorder? - Irene Nicole Setiawan | SLC
"

Fear of scrutiny and criticism is social anxiety. That is it. Anything else that we describe surrounding what appears as social anxiety - such as avoidance is NOT social anxiety. IT is by-product of social anxiety.
This is important to realize - because if we do not make separation - we will start to self pathologize ourselves and our normal and healthy responses to toxic people.

Mindful will not help neither exposure - won't help because fear of criticism will still be there.
Relaxation also will not target fear of criticism.

Fear of criticism stems from theories of Self - discovered by Sociologist 100 years ago.
It means broken Looking-Glass Self means we will try to change other people's ideas about us by performing worry and rumination and people pleasing actions to them - and hence we will end with social anxiety.
So the cure is - to allow toxic people to have toxic beliefs about us - and not trying to change them - and instead that we focus on our own well being and our own values - not trying to please people who hate us.

Worry itself is good thing - it helps us avoid danger and toxic people.
It is our worry about what toxic person thinks about us that is pathology and should be cured with not trying to change their minds.

YT "Beyond Social Anxiety and Fear: Empowering Teens with Kyle Mitchell @socialanxietykyle
"

Kyle is not much sociable on you tube.
He usually dismiss and mock commentators who question more deeply the matter -
and he totally ignores my constructive and expertise comments, refusing to hear any kind feedback. I guess he would think of himself as fool if he admits that his solutions to social anxiety over TedX and his book are not actually working in real life - so it is easier for him to make narcissistic mask where reality is blocked.

So I am not sure that he did actually overcome social anxiety - he simply masked it with narcissistic disorder and it is like blind leading the blind.

YT "What's the difference between stress and anxiety? #anxiety#stress"

This is interesting information - but it does not help much with social anxiety.
It does not give any relief for the fear of criticism and fear of negative evaluation.

This helps:
"The looking-glass self describes the process wherein individuals base their sense of self on how they believe others view them. Using social interaction as a type of “mirror,” people use the judgments they receive from others to measure their own worth, values, and behavior."

YT "How To Stop Social Anxiety (By Becoming Socially Antifragile)"

But you do not address overthinking.
Exposure will not help us with thick skin. It will tear off the any skin that there was there.
And think about comfort zone concept for a moment -
we do not see wealthy people to give up their money and move into third world countries in order to work with their emotional issues, to develop thick skin.
People who live in third world countries do not become thick skinned at all (stoic) - they instead become violent and aggressive and anti social.
We won't become immune to toxic radiation if we expose ourselves to Chernobyl - we will die instead of toxic radiation exposure.

What help is - learning sociology concept called Looking-glass self and having compassion for ourselves and our identity - which toxic people may label and mock as sissy and feminine and non masculine.

YT "How To Fix Social Anxiety By Asking One Question
"

Following trail of why's leads to : fear of other people's opinion.
And that is wikipedia definition of social anxiety.
This technique of why has a name actually it is called:

Laddering and theme analysis techniques: a way to search systematically for the beliefs that underpin your self-statements. Repetition of "What does that mean to me?" "Self-Esteem", Matthew McKay & Patrick Fanning

In the end - social anxiety root is fear of what other people think about us in their heads.
And this also has name.
This worry was discovered 100 years ago in sociology:

Theories of the Self
William James (1890): A person has "as many social selves as there are individuals who recognize him and carry and image of him in their minds"
Charles Cooley (1902): Views of self reflect the standpoints of significant others in our lives ("looking-glass self")
George Herbert Mead (1934): We imagine the perspectives of others and incorporate these into our self views - and that this occurs continuously as we interact with others on an ongoing, moment to moment basis.

And self help industry and CBT is censoring this information - because we are much more profitable when we are pathologized and when our anxieties are marketing share in selling medication for pharma mafia and selling us self help books and endless therapies - medical industry is farming our trauma.

Worrying what other people think is totally normal.
It is part of our Self - this is not pathology.
Problem is when we encounter toxic people who are anti-social and who use coercive control and narcissism to hook us - into worrying that we did something bad to them - and then we end up with social anxiety.

Solution is - to allow toxic people to hate us and to form whatever wrong image and conclusions that they have about us in their heads. SImply as that - allow other people to form opinion about us. And shift our focus and goals in life - toward our well being and our goals and desires and projects in life - which are not tainted and deformed by what other people might think about us.-

Social anxiety is broken Looking-Glass Self.
-
The looking-glass self describes the process wherein individuals base their sense of self on how they believe others view them. Using social interaction as a type of “mirror,” people use the judgments they receive from others to measure their own worth, values, and behavior.

"Having a distorted looking glass (incorrectly imagining others’ opinions of us) can cause bad feelings, or a negative self-image. "

YT "How To Fix Social Anxiety By Asking One Question
"

I do not like you message in this video - where we must base our worth on talking to people and making massive amount of friends.
I dislike this approach - because we are ignoring our native natural reactions to toxic people. And when we dismiss our selves - we will develop toxic shame (deep rooted self hatred and self rejection that is root of many mental illness).
It is ok to keep distance from people who are toxic.
Nope - we do not get healthy by forcing ourselves to have contact with toxic people who are narcissists and psychopaths. And then base our worth on how much people like us.
Of course - you are not talking about actually friendship here at all.
You are describing transactional relationships - where contact with people is money based. This is no longer social anxiety issue but capitalism and making money on people. Self Consuming Self.

YT "Stop Letting Social Anxiety Ruin Your Life #socialanxiety #mentalhealth"

I am not sure that pathologizing , shaming , self flagellating ourselves will actually help.
All people are watching and feel scrutinized - it is only that non socially anxious people are liars and cover this up due to patriarchy and narcissistic reasons of being top dog and appearing grandiose in the face of others - still being preoccupied what other people think about them,
socially anxious are simply honest about it and they do not mask it.
It was discovered in sociology 100 years ago that we base our identity on scrutiny and criticism of other people, this is totally normal human functioning and processing:

YT "That's Not How You Get Rid Of Social Anxiety"

Social anxiety is normal. Without it we would become anti-social monsters like psychopaths and narcissists and impulsive bordeliners.
People with high functioning social anxiety trauma speak with strangers in the street - without any problem, - it is trauma that is uncovered and unhealed that is the sole problem - not social anxiety itself.
We cannot have confidence if we do not have money, if we live in poor corrupt country, if our ambient is toxic - it is called social anxiety because anxiety stems from the external source: toxic society. IT is not called self anxiety.

YT "Let’s get rid of your social anxiety together
"

Idea that we do not care what other people think leads to mental illness of anti-social personality disorders like narcissism and borderline disorder.

When we are ourselves at toxic job with mobbing from boss, colleagues and customers - and we cannot quit this toxic job due to finances - - not giving a f will not help with social anxiety triggers and it will actually gets us fired from any job - we will be paid for any job to care and to be conscious. So your idea not to care will not work in the real world.

YT "Does anyone else get anxious before going to parties/social gatherings?"

It is not good idea to pathologize our mind. We all care what other people think - this is totally normal behavior, it was discovered 100 years ago in sociology.
If we end up being self consumed - we will be annoying to everyone with our nagging and complaining.
People who get to the destination do not feel anxiety any more and have fun at party DO NOT HAVE social anxiety- it is a mere shyness.
Social anxiety is when we start to avoid job and career due to anxiety. That is basically caused by psychopaths and narcissists in power position.
IT is really bad idea to label ourselves with diagnosis and place stigma over us .

Yeah, there is a strong borderline and narcissistic vibe and traits: wounded narcissism - me poor me, I am victim, but I depend so much on other people that I have fun and show other people how fun person I am and then I base my worth on this - this is typical borderline.

YT "How To Manipulate Toxic People To Shut Up
"

"Ghost him, avoid him like plague."
hehe
problem is that this turns into social anxiety and society tells us that we will become weird if we avoid people and isolate ourselves - pathologizing our normal reactions to toxic people

Great vid!
I love the message number 2! I would think to do something like that but society and self help books brainwashed me to not pull something like that up - but it makes total sense to do it with hard core toxic people!

"Have your own personality, "
Personality is build on other people. This is discovered 100 years ago in sociology.
We need other people to discover who we are and then chisel each other with Michelangelo Phenomenon.
Your beliefs that we must be rebel - is extremely insecure and overcompensating way to cover up our basic human nature - that we need other people. I believe if you carry on with Rat race and King of the hill competition, you might develop plethora of Attachment Styles issues with people - where you will be afraid of opening up to others and instead see all communication with people as transactional. And that is narcissism.

"but to not care about OTHER PEOPLE’S LOOKS towards you is smthg else."
I actually tried this advice for 20 years - and I can tell it does not work. I would not want other people to waste their lives with wrong direction how to handle Rejection.
When we decide to stop something that is outside of our control - like other people's lives - we create danger around other people, and this increases social anxiety - because we see other people as threat and something to block.
Instead of this technique of blocking and building walls -
it is much healthier to allow other people to think whatever they want about me - without me blocking anything at all - and instead of fawning to what other people might think about me - I can shift focus onto intrinsic locus of control - what is my goal in life, what is my project at hand, what are my values and needs and what I need for my well being. Instead of investing time focus energy and money into blocking other people.
In computer world DOS attack ends like this blocking - it overloads the server and attempts to block pings - it leads to paralysis. Solution to DOS attack is similar to social anxiety- filtering and allowing toxic people to exist - hoping police are doing their job to catch them.

Sounds to me you are very insecure about yourself, and you build fake macho facade to cover up unresolved issues, trauma, insecurities behind it. And as I said - that is narcissism - inability to hear feedback and think that any opinion is some kind of personal attack on your life. This is why personality disorders are so hard to cure. You have so much toxic shame and self rejection that you decided to resolve by creating fake personality of being alpha top lobster top dog who is not afraid of anything. Unfortunately - this approach leads to mental illness and anti-social behavior.

(7.5.2024)

"yes people might judge, but honestly is it that important?"
You are correct. You did tap into the core of social anxiety.
But this is superficial dig.
The rabbit hole is much deeper.
You are saying that we shift our focus and goals into our own well being and our inner GPS. That is correct.
However - social anxiety is concept called broken Looking Glass Self.
All people do and will depend on what other people think of them. This is wired in us.
This is how human mind works. Without it, we would become psychopaths and hurt each other - because we would not have capacity to know that other people have inner world inside their mind. We would treat other people like we treat animals now - with cruelty and using them for food. This happens because nobody cares for psychology mind of chicken for example.

With broken Looking Glass Self (concept in psychology discovered 100 years ago) - we still depend on toxic people what they think - and the solution is not blocking them or creating reaction formation -
solution to social anxiety is to ALLOW other people to hate us and reject us. This is huge difference in simply noting and shifting our attention. Because our unconscious mind will STILL depend and worry what other people think. This is how we end up with social anxiety - because we have broken Looking Glass Self.
And the only cure for this unconscious worry what other people think - is to consciously allow them to form negative image of ourselves in their minds.
The core problem here is what we think other people are thinking and what they imagine about us in their heads. This is where social anxiety stems from - from the imagination of what other people are imagining. And this hurts us and it feels painful similar to your reaction to my comment that you find toxic and intrusive.
Some people are really toxic. Some people wants us to help - like Michelangelo Phenomena -
and we can never know who is the friend and who is enemy due to fake social mask and manipulation.
So our anxious mind will always look out for other people's ideas and then we will unconsciously make detrimental decisions - based on fear, panic and shock. The only solution to this is to allow people to hate us - and then that we form our actions and course in life based on what are our values.
Perhaps our values are being kind and nice to all people all the time even when they are toxic to us - and that is ok. But the requirement to get rid of social anxiety is to allow toxic people to form hateful image of us in their minds.
Please, I wound encourage anyone struggling with social anxiety to investigate Looking Glass Self concept.

"Are you trying to say that what he talks about in this video doesn’t work or help with confidence?"
It cannot work.
Because with being loud and obnoxious - we are still REACTING to other people, which means other people are STILL controlling us.
Even when we do , what we believe, is independent of them - it is still phenomena called Reaction Formation.

In sociology this was discovered 100 years ago. IT is called Looking Glass Self.
Human mind is build to worry what other people think of us.
With social anxiety - we have broken Looking Glass Self - where we are afraid of other people hating us and that they form bad opinions about us.
And the solution to repair this social anxiety fear - is to allow other people to hate us and to have bad opinion about us.
And in the same time - that we continue being ourselves, following our values and our inner GPS:
As oppose to Julien techniques - this means that we allow ourselves to be ourselves. If we are shy,, if we are silent, if we are introverted, if we do not feel good around toxic people - that we allow ourselves to act as we think is the best way to act, as long as we are not anti-social (violent and aggressive and hysterical).
When we allow toxic people to think and believe whatever they choose to believe - paradoxically - we will remove social anxiety burden - and we will become more social - because our actions will not be hampered by worrying what toxic people think about us - and we will find courage to speak and act normally.
-
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.
-
Carl Rogers: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change.”

"His whole point is that you sit with the feeling you have and be honest about it regardless of if people like or don’t like it"
Ok,
but this has nothing to do with social anxiety. This approach will not work.
IT is useless.
If it works for anyone - 1) people would discover this magical cure long time ago 2) people would massively report back to this commentary that this magical super cure is working 100%. Yet - we do not see anyone reporting back that processing feelings help with the social anxiety. Processing emotions is great tool for another mental health issues but it is not addressing nor helping around social anxiety much.
In fact- it will only increase social anxiety because of self awareness paradox.

"Him being “loud and obnoxious” is who he is, "
No, it is not.
He told in another videos that he is introvert.
So basically what he is doing is called Masking.
He is hiding his true Self - and he creates fake narcissistic mask of superiority and grandiosity to appear strong and macho in the eyes of others.
Masking is unhealthy toxic coping mechanism that is causing a lot of stress and distress to socially anxious and autistic folks, too.

"That’s his way of being authentic."
Screaming at other people is not authentic. It is abusive and toxic.
It is anti-social.

"People pleasers have low self confidence because they are too busy pleasing others without being true to their opinions or self."
This whole sentence is incorrect and filled with fallacies and counterfactual information
1) we all are social creatures. Our Self is based on what other people think this is not sickness to cure.
2) Michelangelo Phenomena tells us that we will feel good when we chisel each other: interdependency. Anything else leads to Attachment styles issues.
3) People pleasing as fawning is legal and healthy and totally valid reaction to toxic people who use their power to harm and hurt other people whom they deem inferior.

"You can’t just choose to not talk to your boss when he’s giving you work."
Yes.
But also - if we accept ourselves as we are - instead of Masking and pretending to be Macho super uber mensch - we can also choose not to accrue money, not to chase Rat Race - and choose jobs that do not attract psychopaths and narcissists.

-

YT "Socialization & The Looking Glass Self
"

Healing the broken Looking-Glass Self is how we heal social anxiety. Broken looking-glass self is social anxiety trauma.
When we are concerned what toxic people think about who we are -and we cannot tolerate them hating or being disgusted by us - real or imagined bad image of ourselves in other people's minds - that keeps social anxiety motorized.

Since broken looking-glass self can only occur in toxic ambient, ACE, ACoA and shame culture countries - social anxiety is always accompanied by complex trauma and toxic shame and inner critic - that falsely appears to CBT and DSM as mental disorder and diagnosis. While true perpetrators of trauma are never examined by clinicians. Basically victims and targets of abuse get the therapy that is actually needed for the abusers - whom never seek help due to mental disorder, personality disorder of refusing to admit being demented.
Healing the broken looking glass self means accepting toxic people that they are allowed to form whatever bad opinion about us and not doing anything to change their vision and conclusions that they have about us - while in the same time we shift our energy, focus and time onto our own needs, common sense, goals, tasks and desires that are related to our well being and service to community - where healthy looking glass self is part of Michelangelo Phenomena - where we chisel each other through rising each other up (opposite of crab mentality) - also called interdependency.
With toxic people and broken looking glass self (social anxiety) - we stay hooked onto manipulation and pathological liars, trying to please them into liking us, such as people pleasing, fawning, self-censorship, being scared of criticism and making ourselves as small and invisible as possible - mostly through avoidance and missing opportunities in life due to fear of scrutiny of toxic people.

I am not sure why resources do not make connection between social anxiety and broken Looking glass self.
Social anxiety proves that this theory is real, it is actually the principle and law. IT is real. Cooley was correct in his proposals about theory of self.

" great application of theory here!!! I think you could also bring in Mills’ sociological imagination here as well: if we become aware of this process and realize its impact upon us then we can be free to make different decisions beyond that process. That also dips into the Thomas theorem as well.

Great work!!! Mind if I mention your idea in a future video?"

@dr.maples Thanks for the tip - I never heard of Mills’ sociological imagination - I will explore it!
I struggle with social anxiety since 1990 and I have been studying it since 1996.
Yes - please do mention this; this concept will help so many people stuck in worrying what other people think - whereas CBT is pathologizing them as mentally ill. CBT claims that our worry about others is hallucination and pathology. So many people turn from social anxiety into psychopathic states like NPD and borderline - where they deliberately rebel against society and harm them - without knowing that they are still trapped in worrying.

So yeah please - freely use my comment. I did find internet resources where there is a connection made between Cooley discovery and social anxiety - but they do not mention how to handle it -
where Lisa Romano says that we allow toxic people to think about us whatever they come up in their minds, while simultaneously we shift our focus and energy into well being, job task at hand and service to community (Michelangelo Phenomena / interdependency)

Thomas theorem sounds interesting too!
Thank you!

(8.5.2024)

People pleasing is not pathology. It is reaction to toxic people who are in some kind of authority over us. In one way or another. IF we go along with self-help industry that is pathologizing our natural normal and healthy reactions to abnormal people - we will develop severe toxic shame and depression.
Instead of self flagellation and patriarchy discipline of internet stoicism, we need self compassion and self validation.

" My people pleasing habits have lead into some actually physically dangerous situations "
Nope.
Toxic people lead to danger.
Psychopaths choose to harm and cause pain to others - not our reactions to criminals.
This borderline idea to attack and blame and shame ourselves is so heart breaking to witness.
-
Lundy Bancroft:
"Abuse is NOT caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can't manage your partner's abusiveness by changing your behaviour. But he wants you to think you can."

YT "wake up bro, its 2013
"

There is a lot of energy in this video - but I am not understanding what you try to say here?
To change our life? This sounds a lot like cult. That there is some magical cure for life problems and you know it. That is cult.
In reality - there is Existentialism philosophy - invented 100 years ago - that handled this questions from more scientific viewpoint - and it means that each person CHOOSE ON HIS OWN his own destiny and meaning in life.
Pushing someone into doing something is manipulation and control. That is toxic and narcissistic, self righteous.
Some people live in shame culture ambient - where going outside means abuse, pain and torture and mental illness:

Young American explained why she left Croatia:
"In Croatia people constantly express intrusive opinion about matters which are none of their business. The most irritating things were rude people."

Young American explained why she escaped from Croatia:
"Often I heard Croats intruding why am I eating something, or commenting about what I wore. There is no such thing in America, we allow people to be what they want to be."

"What do you mean by narcissists mimicking social anxiety?"
Thank you for making this question - I get this response often because people are not investigating NPD in deeper manner.

Narcissists wear fake mask.
They create fantasy world where they are grand and superior to others.
In their mind, they are victims and gods in the same time - where other people are toxic and stupid and inferior - and they believe they must be Spanish Inquisition who is correcting others to appear and act in accordance to what NPD person think is correct life living style.

This way - they recruit new victims as narcissistic supply.
In order to sway someone into their cult - they need to play and pretend to be victim, because in their sick minds, they are victims- And the best way to pretend to be wounded is to act shy.
And there is a big plus - this way they attract truly shy and anxious people -- like spider with his web. There is honeymoon phase in the beginning to make target stuck in the web. Narcs appear as kind and nice and empathic and vulnerable in the beginning - but this is only an act, it is fake. Only to show later on their true face, after the contracts and trauma bonding were made between each other. This is how narcs act out having social anxiety -
it serves them as tool in catching narcissistic supply: truly socially anxious people.

Richard is placing too much accent on what other people think and how we are suppose to change our thinking in order to accommodate the other's beliefs.
Like we need to be preoccupied about who is narcissists and how to recognize them.
This urge to protect ourselves from toxic people stem from trauma - and if we go to the extreme with building walls against toxic people - this extreme ways will turn into narcissism and borderline issue.

It is totally normal to worry what other people think of us. It is totally normal to feel the pain and to feel the hurt when toxic people hurt us with their behavior and words. We cannot stop them being toxic.
HOWEVER psychologically speaking - it is very toxic when we start to build our defenses against toxic people.
They cannot hurt us inside - they cannot harm our inner core being - like Eleonor Roosevelt said.
Sociologists discovered 100 years ago this concept that we build our own worth based on other people.
This is not sickness as CBT tells us,
This is not weakens as Narcissists and borderliners tell us.
This is not abnormality as our toxic shame and inner critic tells us.
This worry what other people think about us - is totally normal human behavior called Looking Glass Self, discovered by Cooley in 1902.
In ACE and ACoA we learned that we must build walls and boundaries by thinking EXTRA more about what other people think about us, especially toxic people who are rude violent intrusive and aggressive.
This EXTRA worry is the problem. This is where all our mental health issues stem from.
We believe that all worry is sickness and must be removed. Nobody told us that worry is normal and healthy - and our EXTRA worrying - like spending time how to recognize narcissist after we all know how to - is this extra worrying that keeps us in trauma, trapped in trauma bonding via building Trump Walls. We believe we can protect ourselves by EXTRA worrying - and this is dysfunctional coping mechanism.

The solution is easy - to accept that toxic people will make up bad and distorted image about us in their heads. And just leave them be wrong - and we shift our EXTRA worry into our goals, and needs and our common sense and our inner GPS.

YT "Confidence Or Narcissism? 4 steps to tell difference
"

"Is this person of evil intent? ¸We have to consider not everybody is operating in good faith (how to contribute to humans). If you wanted a broad structure for understanding human behavior through that lens , narcissism is the wrong one. Psychopathy is correct one. You will get so much more useful, applicable data, rules, guidelines in looking psychopathy than narcissism. It's good philosophically think more clearly ahead of time. I have choice."
Then CBT tells to the socially anxious that:
1) toxic people do not exist
2) that we must expose to everyone and enter in karpman drama triangle of being assertive with pathological liars
3) to believe that we are hallucinating toxic people
This CBT explanation given to socially anxious where socially anxious common sense is pathologized - will lead anyone being traumatized to develop severe trauma bonding and codependency and being stuck with toxic people.

" I think It's important to recognize it with disorder"
For some unknown reason I never get notification for this comment.
So much to unravel here.
1) There is no machine that measures normalcy.
2) There is no book that tells what is normal.
3) Quickly labeling any negative emotion and distress as disorder leads to self pathology. Golem Effect happens.
When you convince yourself that normal reaction to abnormal people is disorder - you will create personality of disorder.
I can go on and on about this. I'll stop it here.
More on my blog and reddit.

"social anxiety disorder is when you get so anxious around others to the point it affects your ability to function and lead a normal life"
My comment gets deleted.

This is a matter of perspective, that ironically is part of "disorder".

If you start to believe that we have disorder - we will create personality build on this supposed disorder - we will quickly label any emotion and negative experience as abnormality in our brain.
We won't be curious. We won't investigate what is wrong. We won't see if toxic people are around us. WE will quickly label ourselves as victim and inept and abnormal and then behave and plan our life from this stigma perspective.

In reality -
what social anxiety is - is trauma- and dysregulation. We experienced shocking event - ACE ACoA bullying mobbing - and we are in state of shock. This is not abnorality of the brain. This is not trait in our body and mind. This is not sickness. This is not illness of the mind.
Sickness would be if we are anti-social and if we plan to cause harm and have hidden agenda to exploit and harm other people. That would be disorder.

Protecting ourselves and avoiding the pain - is not disorder.

YT "#59 - The Looking Glass Self
"

This is amazing concept -
some people who struggle with similar issues like yours end up in therapy - and CBT / DSM is pathologizing them with labels social anxiety, borderline or narcissistic. Basically CBT explains patriarchy ideology how we cannot be influenced by others, and that with the power of our mind we can block unfair people from our thinking through the process called ABC Method in CBT.
CBT teaches those who are labeled with Borderline disorder that it is sickness , abnormality and mental illness that we form our identity based on other people.
CBT is completely ignoring sociology aspect - and has plenty of stigma for anyone struggling with toxic people.

This Looking-Glass Self helps anyone struggling with social anxiety issues.
Whereas CBT (default therapy for social anxiety) pathologizes our natural ability to worry what other people think of us.
CBT tells us that we can and that we should monitor our thoughts and then scrutinize them and weed out so called cognitive distortions. In reality - all people have bias and prejudices and certain level of egocentrism and logical fallacies. CBT claims that only socially anxious has these and that they are mental illness. This way CBT is teaching socially anxious traumatized bullied individuals to develop self hatred and deep toxic shame. CBT claims that Exposure will help with social anxiety - but it cannot work because socially anxious have trauma - negative past experience of bullying and ACE ACoA ambient (like having undiagnosed untreated mentally ill parent with Aspergers who criticize the child 24/7 and creates drama around anything that moves and is different from the parents fantasy what is allowed).
CBT is censoring many terms like CPTSD and Polyvagal Theory - and apparently all sociology is banned in CBT, too.
Because I never heard it in any of CBT resources.

Looking-Glass self tells the opposite of what is CBT saying to the socially anxious:
1) that we form our identity through other people - and this is not mental illness
2) that our job here is to accept that other people will invent various wrong conclusions about us in their heads - and that we are fine with that. So that we do not enter into useless arguments with them as CBT is teaching us (being assertive with pathological liars)
3) that instead of being focused on our panic overstimulation symptoms - that we shift our focus on the job, task given, project, our goals, our common sense, our GPS inside us - instead of pleasing other people and twisting ourselves into pretzel in order to hope how toxic people will like us if we make small and servile enough.

Looking-Glass self is cure for social anxiety.
Broken looking-glass self is social anxiety.

YT "#59 - The Looking Glass Self
"

16:52 "potential solution to this problem is to stop worrying about feedback from other people"
Nope.
This is impossible.
This is why social anxiety is so pervasive - because socially anxious get such advice / input from therapist and other people to stop thinking certain thoughts.
This, first and foremost ,will make worry more due to Ironic Processing Theory (Pink elephant) where we think more when we attempt to block thinking something - because our brain now invests time to build sentry and lookout on the wall - and we are not more focused than ever on things that we try to block out.
Secondly - Looking Glass Self theory- which actually is not theory , it is principle - and social anxiety proves it -
it means that it is totally normal to build our identity through others. It is also called interdependency and Michelangelo Phenomena - where we chisel each other up (opposite of Crab mentality).
The only problem are toxic people who trigger us into panic and shame and guilt - and then we need to overfly their ideas about us - by accepting them to believe whatever toxic people choose to label us with. In 99 percent it is introjecting anyway - toxic people put labels on others that they hide and suppress inside themselves about themselves.

And our job is Self, our identity, our persona, our common sense - to react and do what we believe is correct to do - which may entail stopping thoughts, going into conflict, moving away, cutting toxic people off, preferably that we learn and choose healthy coping mechanisms. In real life - we will fail and do unhealthy ones - but no one is perfect, and we need to have patience and compassion towards ourselves.

Looking Glass Self is amazing concept - I can't believe it is 100 years old and nobody is talking about it.
I guess patriarchy and pharma mafia lobby and self help industry is making too much money with hiding this information from the masses by keeping them sick.

(9.5.2024)

CBT tells us via ABC model that our thoughts are the cause of the distress. That many people in our circumstances that cause us stress react in different manner than us - and this is the "proof" to CBT that toxic people do not exist - we are creating them with our thoughts.
This is message of CBT.
CBT is horrible, ableist therapy.
Ludovico Method in Clockwork Orange (1971) is actually CBT -
CBT believes is we expose ourselves to fears and panic - that we will magically desensitize ourselves to horrors and become "adults". This is not true at all.
We become lobotomized, we end up rationalizing toxic people and we end up codependent, people pleasers who intellectualize evil people and place label on them such as NPD - and this somehow gives them right to hurt and cause pain to the other people.
CBT is ableist therapy - it is pathologizing victims of NPD and in the same time - it leaves narcissists alone.

(10.5.2024)

"So if you find out it is autism and not anxiety, what can you do?"

Accept it,.
Do not pathologize it.
Do not brainwash your brain into masking.
Do not listen to CBT.
Do not listen to self help industry self help books.

YT "When autism looks like anxiety 😬 #shorts"

I took Autism spectrum test twice.
The first time I filled the questionnaire with my being in stress mode, when I feel scared, panicked, overwhelmed, angry, attacked, defensive, negative mood negative emotions. The test scored mid-high in autism.
Then I took the same test again - this time I was placing myself in mentality of Ventral Vagal - being calm, no stress, no deadlines, no toxic people in my mind, their comments, their criticism - nothing like that, only calmness and friendships and reconciling attitude. The test scored no autism.
Golem Effect and Pygmalion effect shame our psychology. Along with other people around us - Looking Glass Self by Cooley (1902).
We have been lied by CBT DSM industry and self help industry for all our lives.

YT "Intro to Soc; Charles Horton Cooley, The Looking glass self
"

"Cooley said our sense of Self comes from how we think other people see us. “I am not what I think I am. I am not what you think I am; I am what I think you think I am.” Other people's reflections of us and how we think about those images they have of us help create our sense of Self."
Problem is that psychology, especially CBT and DSM in particular - are telling to the socially anxious and to anyone being traumatized by neglect, invalidation and any kind of coercive control such as chronic verbal abuse - that if we think who we are as reflection to someone's criticism - that if we process reality in such manner - that we are mentally ill. That we have disorder. That we have cognitive distortions which must be cured with brutal self examination, self scrutiny all the time, and termination of our so called distorted thoughts.
This way CBT is completely ignoring sociology - and sets masses of people with wrong ideology that is designed for group think, conformity and herd mentality purposes - to control the masses.

YT "The Sociology of Identity - Part II | Looking-glass Self | Ethnicity | The Alalibo Academy
"

This concept is cure for social anxiety that CBT is keeping secret. DSM is pathologizing this natural tendency to form our identity on over what other people think - DSM says that this is mental illness, called borderline disorder.
Secondly
"That imagination comes from interaction with these people. In the process of interaction they tell you this is what we think about you. And then you go off believe in that. You don't control what people think about you. "
This become a huge problem when the other person is manipulative and pathological liar.
And when we live in shame culture country where people are intrusive and comment and criticize others in micromanaging manner - practically intruding on someone's identity with hidden agenda of controlling and manipulating others through shame and guilt and blame.

(11.5.2024)

YT "American Beauty Film Analysis: The Sociology of Identity
"

Cooley's broken Looking-Glass Self is cure for social anxiety. Fixing the broken mirror is fixing the social anxiety.
CBT keeps sociology as secret from the mainstream public. Anyone struggling with social anxiety does not need psychologist. He or she needs sociologist.

(12.5.2024)

YT "Is Autistic Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria REAL?…"

It is called Broken Looking-Glass Self. We do not need psychologist. We need sociologists.
Social anxiety issues are sociology issues. Not psychology. There is nothing wrong with our brains being traumatized by toxic people.

YT "Looking Glass Self Theory By C.H. Cooley | Theory of Socialization | Vidya Venue"

"An individual realize its self by reflecting others' perceptions about him. They use social interactions as a mirror. A Person grows and develop due to interpersonal interactions of the Society. When one interacts socially, one completely considers how one looks in the eyes of others. Negative response leads to depression and anxiety."
Yep.
Broken Looking-Glass Self leads to social anxiety issues.
Cure for social anxiety and shyness is repairing broken Looking Glass Self - by allowing other people to form negative opinion about us and not trying to neither fight it nor to appease it - but instead lean on our common sense what we think is the best reaction.

It is about massive change of perspective.
People who suffer from social anxiety do not need psychology nor psychologist.
People who suffer from social anxiety need sociology and sociologist - who will confirm their thinking is not abnormal nor sickness, as CBT is pumping us to believe. And then we end with Golem Effect and Mathew Effect. Domino effect of destroyed self worth.
Sociology will confirm us that our thinking style and our fears are totally normal and there is no pathology that self help industry is pumping into our belief system.
Looking-Glass Self theory from 1902 - explains social anxiety and how to heal social anxiety:
through accepting toxic people to believe about us whatever they choose to believe and that we do nothing about their beliefs about us. Instead of fight of fawn - that we shift of goals actions and life into our own common sense and our tasks that we set to do.
Social anxiety is broken Looking-Glass Self. It needs to be mended.

It was discovered in 1902 by Cooley that our Self Worth, our identity, our "i" - comes from a reflection of what we think other people think about us.
In CBT this is explained as mental illness.
In Sociology - this is totally normal and all sociology is based on this concept - that we see our identity of what we think other people think about us.
And in social anxiety - what happens is that we attempt to either fight this ("thanks" to CBT that mislead us into wrong direction) or to fawn -when we have experiences of ACE, ACoA - exposure to constant criticism. This is now called Broken Looking Glass Self. And fixing the broken Looking Glass Self is fixing social anxiety.
We can do this only by allowing other people to hate us and criticize us - and that we move our goals, tasks in life toward our inner GPS, our common sense, our well being. This is called Thomas Theorem.

Healing trauma - does not require psychologist or psychiatry. There is nothing wrong with our brain. As Gabor Mate and Dr Ramani and Kolk and Peter Levine etc - told us. We need sociology, socologists - to make sense of the world and our mind - and how we react to toxic world.

(13.5.2024)

YT "Social anxiety | AXA Health Chats #anxiety #podcast #healthequity #axa"

Problem is that any reaction to anxiety leads to OCD.
this is the problem with psychiatry - it creates more chaos. When we attempt to control chaos - we will create more chaos.
Instead of nitpicking our brain and our body (which is actually self flagellation) I would rather go into direction to see what is the cause of anxiety.
In social anxiety, well the name itself reveals that problem are other people- social component, social factor: toxic people.
In social anxiety also - we do not need psychiatry. There is nothing wrong with our brain if we react to abnormal people and abnormal events.
Instead of psychiatry, the socially anxious need sociologist and sociology.
Healing the Broken Looking-Glass Self is healing social anxiety, as well. Theory from Cooley 100 years ago - that CBT is blocking us to learn about. We are much more controlled and manipulated when the truth is hidden from us and when we are explained that we are always the problem.

YT "Result Of Social Anxiety #reddit #askreddit #redditstories"

Looking-Glass Self concept from sociology explains social anxiety and what to do about it - simply allow other people to think whatever they choose to think when we embarrass ourselves in front of them.

YT "Social Anxiety
"

Social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation. There is background cognitive component that is distressing alongside of physical reactions.
If her only symptoms were physical - it sounds more like a mere shyness.
Shyness is cured with exposure - once the person exposes to feared objects he or she sees that there is no danger and the fear symptoms are gone all by itself.

Social anxiety is not about going on with friends.
For starters, truly socially anxious people do not have friends to begin with - due to social anxiety.
Think of social anxiety being at toxic job with ongoing mobbing and assaults from the boss, customers and colleagues 24/7 and person is unable to quit this toxic job due to finances. That is social anxiety.

Plus, social anxiety can be Functional. Socially anxious person can imitate others and appear non-anxious, expose himself or herself to any social situations - from job to parties without having observable symptoms - only it stays cognitive component inside like nagging inner critic that builds itself for a momentum where there will be a burts of accumulated overstimulation.

There is also component of neurodiversity - which is not abnormality and acceptance is required instead of witch hunt.

I see that people who truly have social anxiety - do not need psychiatry at all. They need sociologist instead - who will teach them how our brain works in social situations - and that worrying what other people think is completely normal.
Cooley concept from 1902 Looking Glass Self explains that. All we need to do is allow other people, toxic people, to think whatever they choose to think about us - and stay on our own inner GPS course of decision making, which are not affected by what other people think about us.

YT "How I Overcame Social Anxiety in 3 Steps"

"Eventually leave after spending some time in conversation"
Is shyness. Shyness goes away naturally with conversation. Social anxiety does not - due to deep and ingrained inner critic (which was formed in ACE and ACoA).

"Improved social skills"
Socially anxious people already have deep social skills - worrying what other people think is deep empathy - and empathy is number one social skill which 80 percent of people do not posses.

"Put in demanding situations"
Exposure does not help due to crippling inner critic which is basic part of social anxiety. In fact, exposure will make inner critic worse. Unhealed unprocessed Complex trauma will be triggered even more.

Instead of forcing ourselves to talk to strangers in order to be neurotypical and part of in-crowd, top lobster, king of the hill mentality, rat race etc -
I would rather investigate Sociology in order to heal social anxiety, with Cooley's concept from 1902:
Looking-Glass Self.

YT "EASY STEPS FOR EXPOSURES"

Exposure without healing Complex Trauma and inner critic leads to Functional disorder. It is now masked and brewing to explode later on.
If we avoid someone or something - then it means something horrible happened - and we need to first see what happened and then learn how to cope and live with toxic world around us which is capable to shock us into avoidance.
-
Next time round, you'll get hurt more easily
⬜ Anatomy of a Microaggression
-
Stress can be a very destructive force when it comes to myeloma. Stress really disrupts the immune system and myeloma is a cancer of the immune system. In addition, the stress hormone noradrenaline (the "flight" hormone, versus adrenaline, the "fight" hormone) can actually trigger cancer cell growth directly.
Hans Selye, a Hungarian scientist who worked in Montreal, Canada, showed that a chronic "alarm state" (anticipating problems requiring "flight") leads to an "exhaustion state" which depletes the immune system.
In one of my blogs, I discussed stress reduction and the importance of touch. In a 2022 KCRW podcast interview with Tiffany Field (a researcher at the University of Miami School of Medicine), she relates how she and her students discovered through a survey “that touch deprivation was highly correlated, highly related to anxiety symptoms, to depression symptoms, to sleep problems, to PTSD symptoms, to boredom, to loneliness.”
(myeloma org)
-
It’s easy to take advice from wealthy, wellknown people who seem to have their $hit together. The things that privileged selfhelp authors need to overcome their troubles don’t cut it for most of us. Money, power, prestige allow people to be oblivious to the inner lives of others
"How to draw an owl" karlastarr.substack

YT "Social Anxiety Symptoms | Anxiety Disorders | Mental Health
"

"I feel like people can look right through me" "Fearing incompetent in front of others"
This is totally normal. It is only psychiatry that is pathologizing anything that moves through hyper-cognition (labeling anything through misdiagnosis).
People who struggle with social anxiety do not need psychiatry. Socially anxious need sociology.
Psychiatry will pathologize normal human behavior as sickness and illness due to control and manipulation.

In sociology - the whole sociology is based on the fact that all people worry what other people think. Cooley's Looking-Glass Self theory.
The solution is - to allow other people to think whatever they choose to think.

YT "Social anxiety...that's all in your head #socialanxiety #anxiety #mentalhealth"

Sociology helps with social anxiety.
Psychiatry labels social anxiety as illness.
Sociology on the other hand is build on social anxiety premises: to worry what other people think about us. And that is totally normal.
Cooley's 1902 "Looking-Glass Self".

YT "How Do You Overcome Social Anxiety?
"

"Anxiety over the top"
Is complex trauma, Toxic shame and Inner critic issue.

"Talk to random people, small talk"
Is neurotypical response. It does not work with those who were traumatized repeatedly by toxic people.

Instead of pathologizing ourselves,
I would rather investigate Sociology - which states that social anxiety is totally normal, and in fact sociology itself is build on social anxiety premises - that we build our Self based on interaction with other people we form our identity and our sense of self worth.

Problem starts when the others are othering, when they are toxic, when we live in shame culture country and when we are stuck in toxic job due to low finances we cannot quit mobbing place.
Cooley's 1902 concept Looking-Glass Self tells us that we heal the broken Looking glass self (aka social anxiety) by allowing toxic people to think whatever they choose to form opinion about us, and that we stay on our own course of decision making and actions which are not plagued or deformed by aligning ourselves with that what we expect other people would like us to twist ourselves into pretzel and fawn to them.

YT "What's the 5th practice? #mentalhealth #anxiety #socialanxiety"

Any reaction to anxiety breeds more of anxiety and it leads to OCD.
Instead of pathologizing ourselves and instead of forcing ourselves to be neurotypical and to conform to group think herd mentality - I would rather investigate Sociology to learn to accept ourselves as we are -
instead of forcing ourselves to do circus tricks.

YT "social anxiety.. #socialanxiety #fyp"

Anyone struggling with social anxiety, instead of throwing your focus on psychiatry and self-help industry books -
investigate Sociology.
Social anxiety is totally normal.
It is toxic people that we are struggling with.

YT "Five Ways of Overcoming Social Anxiety in Everyday Situations
"

Anyone struggling with social anxiety does not need psychiatry. Socially anxious need sociology.
Sociology does not pathologizes social anxiety - and instead it puts social anxiety as the basis of sociology itself.
Psychiatry is pathologizing anything that moves - and hence creates disorder in traumatized people who were subjected to ACE and ACoA. ACE and ACoA end up with toxic shame and inner critic with seems as social anxiety.

1) Challenging negative thoughts - leads to more of anxiety. This is called Ironic Processing Theory or Pink Elephant effect.
2) Exposure will make anxiety worse. Nope - exposing ourselves to toxic people will not make us resilient at all. Toxic people will punish us in some way or another for being in their way. Chernobyl will not make us immune to toxic radiation if we stay there and expose to toxic air - it will destroy us.
3) Coping strategies. Social anxiety itself is coping strategy. It is avoiding toxic people who are pathological liars and manipulators and gaslighters.
4) Mindfulness and relaxation - will never work in social anxiety situations - because of amygdala hijacking. Our brain is wired that way - and there is nothing that we can force to kick our brain into cortex mode. Why would we? If we are around dangerous people - it is normal to feel toxic symptoms around them - in order to avoid brutal intrusive people.
5) Social skills. Socially anxious already have superior social skills: empathy. 80 percent of people do not have empathy skills. This toxic idea that we lack social skills is Golem Effect - where we are brainwashed into believing that reacting to toxic people is lack of social skills - and this leads to inferiority complex when we believe that there is something horrible wrong with our brain and our skills.

Anyone struggling with social anxiety - investigate Cooley's 1902 Looking Glass Self. Simply allow toxic people to believe whatever opinion that they may form in their mind about us - and instead of fawning to their ideas about us - focus on our tasks and well being and projects at hand (Thomas Theorem).

YT "How To Manage Social Anxiety! 😊✨
"

Exposure will not help with social anxiety because of internalized toxic shame and harsh inner critic.
Exposure will bring more of self flagellation.
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety. It means that anxiety stems from the social element. Toxic people.
IT is not called self anxiety.
toxic people are the ones who trigger social anxiety in those who were previously exposed to narcissists and psychopaths.

Instead of psychiatry, socially anxious need sociology - to learn that social anxiety is not illness -but totally normal reaction to abnormal people. Looking Glass Self.

YT "I HAD TO CHALLENGE MY OWN SOCIAL ANXIETY | Unspoken Words Ep27
"

Social anxiety is serious life-long term that is used easily without knowing the heaviness of the term.
Similar to narcissism where people randomly label other person as narcissists just because they disagree in opinion.
Social anxiety is more than shyness issue.
Social anxiety is bullying, mobbing, exposure to ACE and ACoA, constant criticism.
Like being stuck in toxic job with mobbing 24/7 from boss, colleagues, customers without ability to quit this toxic job due to lack of finances - that is social anxiety. Being tormented and harassed by psychopaths.
Teen / school issues related to Going to parties and making friends and talking to random people - I would not label that with social anxiety. It is shyness.
I am not sure that it is healthy to pathologize anything that moves as abnormality to make hysteria about, and then to use psychiatry as a weapon to control and manipulate others into neurotypical dreck.

YT "After-effects of social anxiety in CPTSD #cptsd #socialanxiety #traumahealing"

Totally agree - we are not aware of unsuccessful coping mechanisms and then toxic shame and inner critic is totally ignored by us - we take it for granted and we do not notice it is the source of triggers.

I would go even deeper.
I do not see social anxiety issues as psychiatry issue, that self help industry and CBT are trying to brainwash us into - due to pharma mafia and making money on trauma.

I see social anxiety as sociology issue.
In fact, social anxiety is at the root of sociology. Sociology is based on social anxiety.
We need to learn Looking Glass Self to repair our social anxiety issues.
Like allowing toxic people to form wrong opinions about us - and that we shift our actions toward our inner GPS, not other people's opinion of us.

YT "how to overcome Social #anxiety ? #socialanxiety #strategies #overcome #tips"

These tips do not work.
Social anxiety is not psychiatry issue.
If we are not serial killers, if we have no hidden agenda to cause harm to other people - there is nothing abnormal in our brain nor in our reactions to toxic people.

Social anxiety is sociology issue - and learning about Looking-Glass Self will help anyone struggling with social anxiety issues.

YT "How I overcame my social anxiety"

Basically you cured shyness, not social anxiety.
Social anxiety - is not issue of talking to random people.
Social anxiety is analogy of being trapped in toxic job filled with mobbing, bullying from the boss, colleagues and customers 24/7 without ability to quit this toxic job due to finances. So person is talking to others- it is that others are screaming and attacking and yelling at the person. That is social anxiety.
Another example is living in shame culture country - where other people are intrusive and find comments of negative criticism 24/7, since childhood. Like living in narcissistic relationship or dysfunctional family - but without ability to escape neither of them.
plus,
Social anxiety can be masked and functional.
This means - we can perform neurotypical dreck and circus tricks - like talking to random people - and trauma is still there. Toxic shame is still internalized. Inner critic is still harsh and unrelentless.
Instead of pathologizing our worry what other people think - I would rather learn about sociology - where social anxiety is normalized and explained as totally normal behavior. In fact, all sociology is based on social anxiety - being aware that our identity is formed through what other people think if us (Cooley 1902 Looking Glass Self).
The only problem are toxic people around us.
Pathologizing social anxiety is act of self hatred.

YT "Social anxiety is absolutely treatable! You CAN learn to stop criticizing yourself so that you"

Instead of psychiatry I would rather turn to Sociology - which explains social anxiety as normal. In fact social anxiety is basis of sociology.
Cooley 1902: Looking Glass Self.
Psychiatry is pathologizing anything that moves.
If we are not anti-social monsters like serial killers or psychopaths with hidden agenda to cause harm to other people - our social anxiety is not abnormality to cure. It is normal reaction to abnormal people around us.

Nope. Instead of doctor - learn about Sociology.
Cooley, 1902: Looking Glass Self.

Current medical industry is pathologizing us for pharma mafia purposes to make money on our ignorance and lack of true information about social anxiety.

YT "How to hold a conversation #sociallyawkward #socialskills #socialanxiety"

Neurotypical dreck.
Stop masking. Be yourself.
Pretending to be someone else leads to toxic stress.

Stop pathologizing yourself. "Fear of rejection" is totally normal behavior how our brain works. Sociology talks about this - it does not pathologize in order to make money out of weaponizing psychology.
Instead of holding on to lies and brainwashing from CBT, try to read about Looking Glass Self, Cooley 1902. In fact, the whole sociology is based on social anxiety issue.

YT "BOOST Conference 2024 | Social Anxiety Kyle
"

Social anxiety is not psychiatry issue.
It is sociology issue.
The whole sociology is based on social anxiety: that we form our identity on what other people think about us. Cooley's 1902 Looking Glass Self.

Unfortunately American CBT system with DSM is choosing to pathologize social anxiety, in order to make money for pharma mafia and self help industry, too and that kids conform for neurotypical capitalist world build on quick schemes of Rat race.

"wth"

Broken Looking-Glass Self is social anxiety.
We have been pathologized by CBT and DSM -
socially anxious do not need psychiatry.
Socially anxious need sociology.
Social anxiety is totally normal - and there is nothing wrong with worrying what other people think. In fact, it is abnormal to stop carrying what other people think - we will develop anti-social mentally ill criminally insane behavior due to lack of empathy.

"Thank you for your valuable input. But this is not a video related to any psychiatric issue. Social anxiety is a common problem. These tips are not the ultimate solution but we can try these strategies for better coping."

These tips are psychiatry. They are pathologizing the socially anxious.
Please learn about sociology and turn to sociology instead of psychiatry (CBT and DSM).

YT "Looking Glass self by C.H. Cooley. Lecture-58
"

Problem starts with psychiatry - CBT and DSM. They claim that worrying what other people think is personality disorder, called Borderline. Also, social anxiety is described as fear of what other people think about someone - fear of opinion, criticism, negative evaluation. This way - psychiatry tells the traumatized people who went through ACE and ACoA (constant criticism in childhood and nitpicking errors and making drama about smallest insignificant events) that people should not worry what other people think of us.
Whereas sociology is based on social anxiety: that our identity and personality is based on what we worry what other people think about us.
This way with psychiatry (CBT and DSM) - the socially anxious are pathologized. Alongside neurodivergent people like autism ADHD or anyone who is different than the given norm and standard in society.
Socially anxious do not need psychiatry to make sense of social anxiety.
Socially anxious need sociology and Colley's Looking Glass Self. Healing the broken Looking glass self is cure for social anxiety. Allowing toxic people to form whatever opinion they choose to believe about the socially anxious.

(14.5.2024)

Problem with exposure is that socially anxious will copy-paste the same mentality of trauma: to fawn to others, as learned in ACE and ACoA and during bullying experiences.
Social anxiety is called social + anxiety.
This means that anxiety stems from the social element. It is not called self anxiety. We are not afraid of ourselves.
The fear stems from opinion what other people may think about us in negative and scrutinizing way.
This kind of fear cannot go away with exposure - since all people think all the time, and all people express their opinion, often negative one - all the time.

Plus - I would like to meet a single person that cured their social anxiety with CBT.
That person does not exists.-

That shift is called making Social anxiety to be Functional.
Michael Jackson had Functional social anxiety. He was very socially anxious in private. One time he was scared to come down to his lobby at home when Simpsons producers came too early at his home to agree with the upcoming show and Matt Groeniong was late - so he was afraid to mingle with them. he stayed in his room until Matt came - he told this story on twitter.
In the same time Michael Jackson performed in front of billions of people, he made movies and tv interviews without problem. Yet his life ended in tragedy- because trauma was suppressed and never looked at nor processed.
Same story applies to Prince and Whitney Houston.

"What’s the difference between
Self identity
Individual identity
Personal identity ?"

My guess is:
Self identity = concept about oneself, including everything related to adjectives to describe ourselves. The opposite of self is belonging to human race. How I am different from an animal. What makes me human being.
Individual identity = would be how I am different from the group. Like being vegetarian. The contrast is the opposite of individual and that is society. Societal pressure - like people who declare as non-binary.
Personal identity = would be everything related to my personal taste. Like I like the certain color or certain kind of vegetarian food. As oppose to impersonal - like theories in mathematics and geometry.

Social anxiety is fear of negative criticism, scrutiny and rejection - real or potential one. Going outside of comfort zone will not fix it. In fact - it will make us Mask more, find more of dysfunctional coping mechanisms and attract plethora of psychopaths who look for Mate Crime - to take advantage of people who are scared of other people. Before exposure - we need to heal, fix our broken Looking-Glass self. Without it - we will choose actions and directions to fawn to toxic people with self sabotaging decisions.

I believe anyone socially anxious just need sociology. This is not psychiatry issue. CBT and DSM are pathologizing us and hence make things much worse.
Exposure will not help because we will continue to copy-paste the same learned dysfunctional coping mechanisms from before.
Looking-Glass Self tells us that when we experience social anxiety - we are reflecting bad people around us, toxic people. We reflect their evil, and we think it is part of us.
To correct this broken Looking glass (mirror) self - is to accept toxic people to believe whatever they choose to believe about us - and that we turn to our routine, our route, our inner gps and form better connections with normal, healthy and sane people - and minimize or cut bad ones as much as it is possible for us. We won't find mental health being in contact with chronic complainers, critics and naggers.

(15.5.2024)

YT "Quiet BPD Emotionality #shortsvideo #shorts #short #youtubeshorts #shortvideo"

I believe Quiet BPD is reaction to toxic surroundings. Psychiatry is pathologizing anything that moves and creates more drama and hysteria about social issues where the true perpetrator is hidden and not accounted for anti-social behavior which causes quiet BPD symptoms in toxic people's targets.
Instead of psychiatry - we need sociology. Sociology explains that we form our self worth and identity based on people who are around us. Quiet BPD is smoking gun that people around us are toxic.

"This is me... Holding it together for long stretches and bottling it up"

This is not our choice. This is result of being punished and hence conditioned into bottling reactions inside us. This was formed in childhood of ACE and ACoA (constant criticism and hysteria about any small mistake or anything different occurring). We must stop pathologizing ourselves - because this will trap us into toxic shame and self flagellation mode forever. Psychiatry is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone who was traumatized into Quiet BPD symptoms. Instead of psychiatry - we need sociology that explains our symptoms as normal reaction to abnormal ambient.

"Unfortunately the doctors and psychiatrists keep telling me that the quiet type doesn't exist and that I'm actually just depressed. I live in Denmark and they tell me they have a different system in Europe than in the US, and hence there doesn't seem to be any understanding of how I relate to bpd"

American system is based on capitalist greed and making people sick and uninformed - because traumatized people are great and endless source of money.
Pathologizing people in 1950s was un-imaginable - and today - this is the norm.
In 1950s, DSM had 100 pages. Today it has 1000. And there is no cure - there is only symptoms and making people feel defected and abnormal - and then making money on removing these guilt feelings which psychiatry created in the first place.
Please check out BBC documentary Century of Self to learn how psychiatry was used as weapon to make money for corporations.
Then there are better resources - like Sam Vaknin.
We do not need psychiatry. We need sociology. Learn more about sociology concepts such as Looking Glass Self, where borderline condition of looking for others to feel good about ourselves is not pathologized as it is in DSM.

YT "How Narcissistic Abuse Pushes You to the Brink of Insanity"

Looking-Glass Self in sociology tells us that we form our identity and self of worth - with whom we hang out with, with people whom we are in contact with. So this makes perfect sense. We start to fuse toxic people's insanity - this is "normal", it should happen as result of being around toxic people. And the worst part are maladaptive responses that we try to keep ourselves sane - this keeps us sick. WE believe that we must stop carrying what other people think - and we can't. Looking-Glass Self tells us that we need other people to know to define who we are, so that we know who we are. The only solution is leaving the toxic people. And if this is not possible - then the solution is counter-intuitive - and that is allowing toxic people to live in their hysteria and delusions, without us trying to impress or change them by changing our behavior towards them. Radical Acceptance. In patriarchy system - we are being brainwashed that we must always be winners and that we must compete with antagonistic people in order to come out on top - and this keeps us trapped in fusion with toxic people and hence mentally ill. Our own attempts to out-smart toxic people and prove them wrong. It cannot happen. IT will only make us sick.

Yes. But this turns into huge problem - when we cannot escape.
Like living in shame culture country where majority of people are toxic and intrusive, mentally ill due to toxic shame making them aggressive.
If we start to run away or make boundaries against toxic people - we are making them stronger. And we signal to our brain that we are weak and hence toxic people are powerful over us and superior over us.
It is paradox - but we need to allow toxic people to believe whatever they choose to form in their opinions, and not trying to react to their opinions about us. Instead - we need to make, do, act in life in accordance to our goals, projects, job, inner gps - which may include permanently removing ourselves from toxic people. This is a huge difference than reacting to toxic people.
Reaction must come from our inner values, not as response to toxic people so that we avoid making them boss over us and control us.
Looking Glass Self in sociology explains that we will form our identity with people around us. Our job is to switch focus away from toxic people and allow them to wallow in the mud, without trying to engage with them in any kind of meaningful way.

"It’s even harder to live in the matrix knowing that you’re in the matrix because everything cycles through quicker. Because you get mad because your nervous system knows it and logically because you know what’s going on."

Concept in sociology can help us.
It is about allowing toxic people to form their delusions thoughts about us, without us trying to fight it or change it or fawn to it.
Looking Glass Self theory by Cooley, 1902.

Yep. With boundaries we tell them/inform them what are our weak spots and where they need to attack. When they have tiniest ounce of power over us - they will break us where we are the most vulnerable. Like Mediaeval castles - these were build around money and food storage and wealthy cities. Toxic people are literal predators.

YT "HSP/SPS & CPTSD: The Cycle of Toxic Shame & Guilt (and how to Break it)
"

I would like to add additional information not mentioned in this video:
1) there is shame culture countries. Which means the society is based on identity of shame which can be disastrous to normal and healthy people who are stigmatized by majority, like witch hunt behavior. Even within Guilt culture countries there are shame culture counties - like Southern Italy or Southern USA. It is interesting that all Shame culture countries are poor: Asia (except Japan), Africa, and Balkans in the Europe - are all based on shame. In the country where there is shame blaming, it is obvious that economy cannot flourish due to lack of trust and abundance of criminal behavior like coercive control and rampant narcissism and psychopathy - which are by products of toxic shame.
2) Guilt can also be Toxic. There is Toxic guilt - and guilt can be used as weapon to control and manipulate the scapegoat - easy target that cannot defend oneself.
3) Sociology tells us about Looking-Glass Self Theory by Cooley, 1902 - where we form our identity on base what other people think about us - so we are directly connected with other people minds - and this includes toxic shame if there is one in other people's minds. This means- if we suffer from internalized toxic shame - that we are in toxic ambient and surrounded by toxic people who fuel our toxic shame. The solution is cutting or minimizing contact with chronic complainers and critics as much as it is possible. Not fighting with them. Not fawning to them. Simply removing any meaningful contact with toxic people as much as possible -to regulate our toxic shame.
4) Toxic shame can be Functional, like any psychology issue in life. This means - it can come in spectrum and it can come Masked and covered. This means - that often enough we will have hard time to recognize toxic shame within us, as much as recognizing toxic shame in other people. This is problem because when we are not aware what is the source of problem - we cannot heal.

YT "Narcissistic Abuse, Moral Injury, Parental Alienation & Boundaries"

Dr Ramani talks deeply about the problem of advice to "cut off narcissists"- that people do not have resources nor support to do it. Like living in Shame Culture country where majority of people are intrusive, toxic and perform othering (cancel culture, tribe mentality) - where person cannot escape from mass insanity.
I would encourage anyone struggling with narcs to learn sociology - and the concept called Looking-Glass Self. Basically, our identity and our self worth will be colored with people whom we are around with. Like chameleon. So being in contact with toxic people will make us abnormal and mentally ill. We cannot develop resilience about it. Because Looking Glass Self states that it is natural to depend on what other people think about us who we are - and we rely on their mirror, their comment, their criticism to know who we are.
If we cannot cut toxic people - instead of fighting them, instead of boundaries (which they will gladly intrude if they have ounce of power over us) - the best solution is to allow toxic people to think in distorted way towards us, so that we empty emotional charge and to cut trauma bond with them.
By allowing toxic people to have toxic beliefs.
And what we do, how we act and behave and what we say, how we form our opinion - that is based on our values and goals in life - instead of fighting toxic people off from us.

(16.5.2024)

I forgot to add that inner critic and toxic shame will make us believe that we are the problem. And then we won't and we can't find the solution - because we are not aware who is the problem. When we are not aware what is problem - problem cannot be resolved. Shame and inner critic keep us in toxic cycle of self hatred and self rejection and attempting to fix ourselves - while the true problem stays clear from accountability.

YT "How to Heal Shame & Trauma w/ Internal Family Systems Therapy | Gabby Benstein & Dr. Frank Anderson
"

I would add Sociology on top of IFS Model.
There is theory called Looking-Glass Self by Colley (1902) that states how we form our identity and self-worth based on people around us. We need other people to know who we are. And when we are around toxic people - we will believe we are faulty and this becomes Golem Effect, where we make self sabotaging decisions in life such as choosing toxic people and toxic jobs and we have no idea how to sever the trauma bonding with toxic people - since we can't believe that good sane healthy people reflect who we are. The solution is to detect who is toxic and cut contact with toxic people - who are often hard to detect, since they are manipulators and controllers. When are unable to cut contact - for example due to finances or security - we need to sever the link with what we believe toxic people believe about us - by accepting toxic people having faulty decisions about us.
This is very similar to IFS Model - where we accept difficult parts inside us.
Accepting does not mean forcing the bad and toxic. It simply means - allowing toxic parts and toxic people to exist - without us changing ourselves to conform to toxicity. We never learned in ACE and ACoA ambient that we are allowed to choose our inner path, our inner GPS route in life. Instead we learned to deter ourselves and conform to toxic people and toxic parts inside us so that we soothe them or fight them. Our task to be mentally healthy is to be surrounded by healthy and sane people and that we hang around our healthy parts - without othering toxic parts and without cancelling toxic people. When we fight or fawn to toxicity - we are giving the energy to the poison. We become obsessed with toxicity, even when we try hard to block it through fawning. Our job is to shift focus to our values and our goals in life (Thomas Theorem). This is what IFS model is talking about too, humanistic psychology, too.

(17.5.2024)

YT "Why narcissists are NEVER wrong"

I see the problem in an attempt to control other people and external events with agenda to appear good in other people's minds. - Looking Glass Self concept from sociology gets engrossed, pumped up to the maximum, where all people naturally worry what other people will come up with conclusions in their heads. The problem start when we hold our life in order to change and win and to impress other people. This can never happen - other people have freedom of their will and their making up their mind - without this ability, we would never detect lies and we would never rebel against injustice and manipulation by someone with bad intentions in authority, like psychopaths.
I would work on letting go of trying to impress other people and allow them to make up their mind in twisted and wrong way with faulty conclusions about us - and allow time and our behavior prove them wrong in the long run. And to basically move away from people who refuse to see reality and who deliberately paint us in wrong way for whatever reason - to minimize exposure to such people as much as possible.

YT "S2|E26: How to Survive a Narcissist
"

Toxic people can easily make us feel shame, blame and guilt - all they need to do is watch closely our errors, flaws and imperfections, especially when we take some , any kind of, action. During the daily course of time - or at some special event, especially when there is some urgency and we have no enough time to come up with best solutions. So -
Eventually there will be some error in whatever we do, and any kind of action can be interpreted as error - from any angle. This way we can easily be ashamed and proven that we are horrible person that is harming others in some way, and this way we end up with shame and guilt.
Because truth is flexible.
Another by-product is that other people won't believe us when we tell them something is wrong, because toxic people have fake social mask, and they are not abusive to everyone. Then we end up with belief that we are abnormal and we are the only one who thinks that we are okay - and then we end up believing that we are narcissistic and abnormal.
Other people will tell us about Spotlight effect - that we are only imagining the abuse. And CBT will tell us that toxic people do not exist, only wounded ones - and that we should have endless empathy with angry antagonistic people, and even be assertive with pathological liars - who will only drag us into draining hole of attempting to explain and resolve issues with person who refuses to find solutions, because they live in the fantasy delusional world.
Third problem is - that contact with such people will destroy our social life and connections with others. Because we will be triggered easily - when other person is joking or have a bad day- we will quickly label it as narcissism, even when the other person is not.

We have mutism issues because:
1) ACE ACoA childhood where we experienced emotional neglect and constant criticism and when we were punished for speaking up
2) due to internalized inner critic and toxic shame that pumps out toxic beliefs such as we are incompetent and inferior to others
3) due to toxic society and toxic people who shame others in order to feel potent and superior to others
4) because we perform safety defense mechanisms in order to copy paste learned lifestyle choice of being silent and small - so that other people do not notice our errors. One common safety mechanism is masking and people pleasing.
We cannot break these trauma patterns without being aware and without education in complex trauma.
When we have no idea why mutism occurs - we will blame ourselves and feel shame for being silent - and this springs up new inner critic torrent and toxic shame tsunami, totally new layers of self hatred and self rejection that breed more of mutism and lack of confidence in our selves. Identity here is sacrificed for the purpose of avoiding getting triggered. Without us being aware that we have trauma issue.

I agree with you,
but unfortunately it does not help with complex Trauma. IT cannot help.
Trauma means abuse.
Trauma means - that the shock came from the outside. Idea that we focus and blame ourselves and expect us to develop ocd routines and shame if we do not succeed in taking care of our body - will make us believe that we are responsible for someone being abusive towards us.
As if we did not perform certain kind of ritual to prevent the wrath of god, like we did not sacrifice someone into the volcano.
Dr Kolk says that in order to heal trauma and to have mental health - we need to feel safe with our body.
With the idea that negative emotions, physical symptoms are something to destroy and to be ashamed of - we are telling ourselves that our acceptance is conditional. We are also telling to ourselves that our self love is conditional. And we are telling ourselves that negative experiences, negative emotions are abnormality and facts, as if feeling tense and panic and overstimulation is sign that we are sick and abnormal and that we cannot love ourselves when we are being assaulted by someone who triggers us into shock and trauma.
That is why I am against these ideas of performing circus tricks and forcing ourselves to believe we are worthy only when we achieve certain goals like pretending that pain is not real.
Pain and negative emotions and feelings are part of life and we need to listen to them - because they are telling us whom we must avoid and minimize contact with and protest about. Not to put our head into sand like ostrich.

💢

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ponedjeljak, 1. siječnja 2024.

My YT comments on social anxiety 2024

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