It helps to list what I can expect outside my comfort zone. There are wrong turns that I can modulate, there are hard habits that take time and there are things impossible to change. Inner critic, anxiety and inferiority complex would make me worry and waste energy on things that are impossible to change.
List what can I expect and then separate it into what is:
EASY TO MODULATE | HARD TO CHANGE | IMPOSSIBLE
And here are annoyances that make life difficult. It takes incredible amount of time, energy and money to change it, yet without any results. (so it's best solution to accept, surrender and ignore)
These are: Abusers at the heart of causing any mental disorder in their targets and environment. I can expect to feel unfairness - why others are supporting abusers? Because narcissists wear mask and they can hide their aggressive nature until left without supply. Also, sensitive, intelligent people will notice and see them through their mask, our intelligent words will irritate them, and they will mock us. This is something I can expect - others snapping at us and telling us to shut up. So I can modulate - not to shut up if someone is loud and obnoxious. This being silent when someone is rude caused me personally a lot of stress, now when I look back in my life. Responding in anger, yelling back does not work either - it makes it worse. I can state my mind, and I will get in my mind things to say - I just need to open my mouth and voice it out - which I find hard. That I should expect, that it will be hard to talk, talk back and to defend myself.
Social anxiety is fear from loud, obnoxious, rude people who trigger our trauma from the past. I automatically feel inferior. I could ask myself is my existence threatened? Am I over-reacting, is this person abuser or are they only triggering us without any agenda behind it? That is why I started to list triggers, so when 4F (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) stress response kicks in, I can have already memorized list - in stress I will see it all as one threat, I won't be able to discern it and realize I am under trauma response. So I need to expect this automated stress 4F mechanism whenever I am outside of my comfort zone.
Due to hypervigilance, there are actually two phases - when I am not threatened yet I enforce protection by expecting and another is being under attack. Either way I am triggered and in both cases I do it automatically, I do not do anything to calm down, I run on auto pilot. Being aware - being mindful should help me break this anxiety life.
After I have read the book by Maxwell Maltz 'Psycho-cybernetics' I've learned it is about changes in my head, my perceptions and finding new explanations, changing parts of the thinking patterns like modules in a computer.
The protection I need and seek against feeling trauma is giving simple solution as having forgiveness attitude. If I am not threatened, it is trigger from the past, so the attack I feel is imagined. Even if it was real attack against me, it comes down to explain conflict calmly, with arguments, without fear, stress and pressure on self-censorship.
I constantly seek panacea, instead of surrender. I seek scapegoat so I accuse and jump to conclusions that I believe it will solve every problem magically just by blaming and finger pointing. It is obviously learned wrong behaviour from traumatic past. With Complex Trauma I realized I have distorted thinking and how much energy it takes to be normal.
With Complex Trauma it's easy due to cognitive distortions to generalize everything. So what I can modulate is sorting out the good and bad. And move away from the bad. Social anxiety disorder tells us we can't do this and that, so we freeze and we are confused about making decisions and taking actions. We know we must be active and to socialize while our fears are telling us to run and hide from someone who is rude to us. So the obvious solution to this dilemma is to fawn and inaction. To shut up. To tolerate abuse. Fawn state enables us to be around people (as told by society and advice for shy people), and if other people are nervous, jumpy, have temper tantrum and are aggressive the only solution to be around them is to be inferior. Not to talk, have no rights. We elevate confrontation but in reality we are creating it even more, since psychopaths thrive on chaos and easy targets to abuse. This is double bind - whatever we do, we create damage to ourselves. If we speak up, we'd feel guilty. If we don't speak up, we'd be abused even more often. Simple solution would be to avoid, but this also creates double binding. Avoiding increases anxiety. It creates fears and more entities to be afraid of and to run away from. The obvious solution to this dilemma is to speak up. It is our guilt that is holding us in mental prison. That is distortion part. What we have learned in our dysfunctional childhood - is to feel guilty if we speak up (in medical, technical terms: to express our needs, hold our boundaries). I've learned there is external referencing and emotional bondage behind this guilt feelings. Again, locus of control - what can I change here is not the other person, but rather my feelings inside. There are numerous times when I did speak up and I would feel ashamed just by being in this situation, feeling of embarrassment, and feeling guilty for feeling guilty, especially if the other person would shame me and thus confirm my distorted guilt.
Since difficult people are the cause of social anxiety and avoidance, it is good to look at the critic. If we speak back something, this will create conflict. The best way to deal with conflict is to listen what the other person is saying. Problem with Fawn response is that we take other person's words as ultimate truth and command. So this is something I need to modulate. Instead of automatically going along and believing every word - listen to them. Due to dualism, there is truth and counter-truth in everything. We are not Gods, so we cannot know the truth. If we listen to what the annoying person is talking about we might see patterns and illusion behind their statements. And to give us courage to talk, we could remember that only our talk can snap them out of hypnosis, illusions and delusions they believe in.
It helps to ease up anxiety when we know what to expect outside.
Interdependence is stated as psychological goal. This means making friends. It is about bonding, expressing annoyances as a warning to the other person. It enables us to make friends and remove "wheat chaff ". Socializing is hard process for Complex Trauma survivors. It is like playing good the Solitaire card game.
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| Answers = Complex, but right |
You have to express your annoyances without hurting the other person. Yet to pinpoint, making the clear point and be objective. When we express ourselves, due to cognitive dissonance, the others will see and perceive us wrongly, with prejudice, as aggressive to them and cranky - we should expect this and go above it. Talk, without censoring ourselves, expressing our thoughts. Instructions will come up in our minds what to say, especially when we are calmed down, when we do not over-react. The attitude without resentment. People will pick up it later. At first it will repulse them. That is normal. It is not sign that we should shut up or that we are inferior and they are right.
Drive to perfectionism is Complex Trauma leftover. Inside our minds or outside if we demand perfectionism, it is something to recognize and modulate. Inner critic and narcissists will take advantage of this need to be perfect. They parasite over our fears and fawn response.
Complex Trauma makes me unable to discern jokes from the real threat. I could expect this and modulate my response to recognize if someone is joking, mocking thus it is not important. But to make it more complex, the others are also unable sometimes to discern joke and when I am not serious and when I mean no harm - they interpret me as dangerous. If I am aware of this possibility, the natural skill would be to assure other(s) that I mean no harm to them.
Therefore it is not my social anxiety and my avoidance that is the problem. The others are problem, too. Their over-reactions. Problem is when I see loud people as superior. Things I can change are that I focus on good people. Instead of being on auto pilot and serve loud and obnoxious people simply because they are angry, I can care instead for good people. Ask them what they need, so I use my people pleasing leanings on good people instead. I do not people please good people! I people please and seek approval addiction from bad (loud, annoying, obnoxious, aggressive) people.
Our thoughts create our reality, our universe, and loud narcissists steal our attention and our focus so that we zoom onto them only by their screaming, temper tantrums, creating mind games, they are giving us puzzles for us to solve. It is like PureOCD (intrusive thoughts) but in person, happening externally. From this perspective it would be reasonable to ignore rude people. What I can control here is instead of solving puzzles by narcissists (their complaints), I focus instead on being leader, making new projects, proposals, propositions, ideas.
Inner critic voice is too strong inside me, that is almost impossible to change: telling me that I must be strong. So I must put up with abuser. I must tolerate it, abusive situations. I also think that feeling fear from someone abusive is abnormal and shameful, unnatural and that other people do not have it, and it is shameful to experience it.
Inner critic voice is not the only one making damage. Other people's explanations also make a mess. Some people interpret being silent as weakness and we believe their explanations. Then we try to compensate and show off as strong and stoic. If we avoid or turn our back on such people, they label us as anti-social and we believe their diagnosis and we listen to them and then we try to be social with abuser. Inferiority complex is when other people words, comments I obey automatically. Some might label then someone who doesn't listen at others as difficult or as cognitive dissonance.
Living with social anxiety and avoidance is believing that reality is hard, especially with sprinkle of flashbacks. Reality is obnoxious, people in immediate vicinity, random people are annoying, non coherent, non friendly, sour and negative, non positive, no smile on their faces, some are exploitative and plain stupid. In the movies or in advice from unwitting people for shy people, other people are communicative, friendly, warm. In our flashbacks other people are dangerous, difficult, aggressive, psychopaths. While reality is in the middle. That would make it easier to be more active, as it is not too difficult nor too smothering.
Real life is dull. That is why good mood is important. It is important to recognize bad people and then reject them. I believe they will change or that I must be social because otherwise I would be alone in dull life, but being open and friendly means I can meet someone better.
Rude people hurt us but taking offense automatically is reaction to trauma, it hurts a lot. The Complex Trauma pain is shock and it lasts. I realize in many cases it is illusion and I have to search for proves that this person is not dangerous, not hating me and won't hurt me, thus I can tolerate situation.
So I have to master this taking offense automatically. I have noticed that my triggers and taking offense involve the other person who I see as authority or similar to authority towards me, not necessarily boss type of authority. Taking offense feels like all distortions becoming one giant explosion so it hurts. It is the core of fear related to social anxiety and avoidance. I feel offended if I get criticized. I see it as embarrassment. And I feel used, exploited, taken advantage of. And that it will last forever. And that I am pathetic if I shut up, or if I say something I feel guilty. So I can see and understand other people who over-react, what they feel is the same as I do when triggered.
Even though I would not admit it, and it is hard to recognize it in myself, I nag. I complain. And I blame as learned behaviour, automatically. I can control that. I do it to feel safe, yet keeping this attitude is self-sabotage, I keep good people off and away.
I have hidden triggers, such as if someone asks me something and I say yes immediately. I know that triggers learn to emotional dysregulation. Goal is to realize I am safe. That is my job, what I can control. Find and search for clues that I am safe. Someone might look like trigger - this is similar to allergy to pollen. If other people seem angry, I feel nausea, toxic and disgust. As child I learned that I must tolerate, withstand and hold on to other people's emotions and if I react, that would mean that I am weak, ashamed due to forced duty obligation. I feel this as toxic nausea disgust and resentment to withstand it. Being stoic to difficult people comes to price as reacting ashamed in situation that look similar to the original one.
The way I perceive others who are annoying is I prejudge them and reject them based on my disgust. That is wrong. They are pieces of puzzle. If they are not aggressive, unkind, violent - I must not reject them, I can try to listen to them. Interact with them. They are gems while they appear as trash to me if I ran on triggers and Complex Trauma auto-pilot. I cut myself off from potential friends. Or at least to listen their story, maybe they have some information that might help me and not get it from nowhere else.
Huge part of me is filling up other people's expectations how I should respond, react and what is appropriate and what would potentially please them. And also, what would please the observer outside - what should be done and how I should be perceived by bystanders, general public in my head. I must therefore be strong and I must not be coward. I know this is fawn response, inferiority complex and people pleasing, being pushover, but I am not aware of this obeying imaginary audience and what would supposedly please them. It is not about avoiding confrontation, it is even before confrontation itself, by avoiding anything and follow imaginary Pied Piper. Shame is obvious tool for manipulation. To outsider, the outside person would want us to prove their point, to agree with their terms and they might label as as cognitive dissonance, stubborn and difficult. Yet if we follow others automatically based on shaming emotions without facts, we are easily manipulated.
I put pressure and ideas what is expected of me. Then I block myself - I do not do, I am afraid to move. I stop. Or delay or refuse to be active. I know now that I avoid in order to control other people, that the idea when I first started avoidance was to influence other people to change. Now it is strategy to feel safe against monsters outside. When I am in situations where I cannot avoid, I learned to people please. So if someone is obnoxious, rude or cross boundaries and ask too much, instead of being honest - I resort to people pleasing. Being pushover is excellent tool to avoid other people's anger toward I feel hopeless to defend against. Need to please has even more darker aspect. Surprisingly it is tool to control people with goal that everyone praise me. I cannot stand other people's bad emotions so people pleasing is natural response to feeling inferior toward difficult and aggressive people. Triggers are making it worse, making everyone being critical as difficult and aggressive. Once I seek, and look for signs is the other person really monster, after I've been curious about it, instead of automatic people pleasing - I can look at criticism as a good thing not only to learn how to correct and where can I correct something, but also as being humble. I am not omnipotent, I cannot change other people. And it is not my task to change other people. I can let it go. I do not need to fix others. It is not my job to spend time, energy and resources to screaming people. Codependency is trying to make other people happy. I do not need to fix and make people happy.
Isolation, stagnation is bad. It causes damage. But repeating the same patterns as coping mechanism when I am active outside and exposing myself with distorted cognition mentality and inferiority complex - that is also bad. Official advice would be to expose, but if I react in self-sabotage ways, for Complex Trauma sufferers, exposing might be potentially dangerous. Exposing will make sense once I learn how to think better. There is great advantage of having experience, being active - that is knowing what is out there, instead of me filling the blanks, I know what reality is in particular areas, and for example if I leave toxic place, I will not succumb to guilty feelings and inner critic convincing me that I am over sensitive and there are areas that I have not explored, and these areas are potentially good. With exposure I know what is in those blank, unexplored areas.
There is also dark sides that I need to correct. One is that I learned from narcissistic source that I scapegoat. This means I actively search for one thing to take blame. And then I think in negative tunnel vision distorted way that attacking this source, someone to blame, someone responsible would solve all problems. And that attack attitude is solution to everything. This is also good example of allergy to pollen happening in real world. The truth is - if solution to long term problem was so simple and targeted, I would find it out long time ago.
One common advice for Complex Trauma is to be good to ourselves, to take care of ourselves. This means, if someone accuse me that I am oversensitive - I should cut that person from being close to me. This person only personifies inner critic and their observations and advice is not helpful, in fact it creates damage in long term. When I lose confidence, I am easy to manipulate. If someone prejudge me, this means that they have agenda behind it, probably that I must be silent towards them and not provoke them, trying to get respect from me by force.
Allergy to pollen is good example of what is going on when triggered. Being able to recognize what is wrong is difficult with trauma. The definitions are missing. I follow reality at given basis, as presented, take it like it is, as they identify itself and I believe anything being told to me, especially if it is screamed at me. I was programmed in childhood to take orders through yelling and hysteria.
One other dark aspect of Complex Trauma is with narcissism, since we are programmed by narcissist, it is no wonder we pick up some narcissistic tools ourselves. Narcissistic people are obvious show-offs, sadistic types but also covert narcissists. By pouting I expect others to control them by avoiding them and silent treatment. When someone is angry (the worst case scenario, the core of social anxiety and avoidance fears) deep down I believe I am better than them, and I expect to be recognized as better - by not attacking me. This goes unconsciously, since my primary concern is managing hurt and pain triggered by aggression from others. I cannot control others to change and be normal human beings, but I can control to be humble and expect not to be understood and that it is not my job to convince anyone, hold resentment and hoping they will validate me. And I can be wrong and make mistakes, no one can be perfect.
Social anxiety ultimate fear is doom catastrophe - someone ordering me, criticizing me, hating me, that I should, I must do something different than I am doing it now - now it is lazy, wrong or I should not be here at all. Then I listen to this fear voice so I quit, I avoid, I hide. I force myself to do something to alleviate it (that I present myself as I think others would approve), I act as if under hypnosis, under command. I go against my own will, while I have no idea what my will is at that moment, the only thing I must do is to appear pleasant and appealing for literally every taste and every single person out there living or dead. I expect pain and attack so I act on pre-emptive strike by filling in the blank what would please potential person out there or from the past experience what others criticized before. I force myself to be perfect so I check constantly what I should do and how should I appear. No wonder I feel panic attack and I am unable to speak.
This all means that I do not trust myself. I expect myself to be perfect for someone else out there. Yet if I calm down, I would remember from life experience that other people are far from being perfect themselves. Other people are far from being normal. And far from being great. I know this all comes from being in negative environment and receiving relentless criticism on daily basis.
Another dark nuisance is that I imagine others to attract me and that others are focused on me closely. They watch my every move and me personally. They invest their time and energy in observing me in detail. So I also check and I avoid and I fear someone is watching me so this influence my decisions, my goals, my behaviour and in the same time I am not aware I avoid due to this belief of being potentially judged silently from afar. Thus avoiding is natural to me, to solve anguish, too much pressure to handle and this goes on auto-pilot. This has severe influence on me being active, going out there, it cripples me - yet this is something I can control very easily - by simply exposing. Not only in one way - for example to go to job, but also if I want to go to shop or gym, I force myself to be active instead of automatic hiding and avoiding. This also is external referencing, theme for social anxiety and avoidance and complex trauma. I seek outside myself to check myself. Locus of control is outside of me. As when I am afraid I am focused on imagined threat. As when I meet someone annoying, difficult and aggressive, the focus is on this person only. That is what Complex Trauma learned me to be alert of outside and seek approval from outside, to be in defensive mode all the time and focused on possible threat. Which is topsy-turvy because I avoid and isolate myself - and I appear focused on myself, while every inch of my body is observing outside and make all decisions to please outside world, real or imagined. The healthy approach they say is to be focused inside. I know how to look good, I cannot go beyond than what I wear, how I appear. I know how to be kind, going to extreme and automatically saying yes to everyone is abnormal and unreasonable. No matter what aggressive rude person will try to ashame me and manipulate me, it is not realistic to pick my decision based on someone who is loud and pushy, real or imagined.
Another side effect of Complex Trauma is I don't recognize good times. Probably because I am in defense mode. It goes along with gratitude and being humble, not expecting much and be satisfied with small things. That is something I can do easily, the only problem is being aware of having the right state of mind.
Don’t listen to yourself; listen to the advice that you give others. - Michael Lottner
(11.6.2021)
There are different levels of fears when I face my fears. I can be isolated and thus self delude myself that I am fine and there are no problems. And the problems that I might have from isolation may be exaggerated and especially if something was never done, it might look incredibly scary - while in reality if I ever do it live - I would not feel fear any more about it. I delude myself thinking that if someone reports anxieties and fears in certain situations that they are exaggerating since I am not in their shoes and from my isolated place, it looks unimportant. Until the time I have to face it myself. So at this level someone might have comfort zone extended as needed and no further than that. At such state I am not even aware what I can be exposed, and I easily may prejudge others or see myself too capable and overestimate my confidence - until the day when I expand out of my comfort. From such isolated state it may seem to me there are no problems with stress and anxiety. This tells me that Law of Jante keeps me humble, and I should not prejudge others as weak or over-reacting since I do not know what they were gone through.
Looking to drama of other people, even from fictional movies, such as experience as being innocent in jail, I can stop hypnosis as what is happening to me during trauma triggering response, to ground myself. I might realize that my fears are silly and unimportant, not to that extent that they seem and appear to me, while I am zoomed to them too closely.
(12.6.2021)
It is about why some people are more resilient to trauma and they seem "stronger" and are not affected or develop different responses and reactions. That is the point - their reactions. Trauma is being unable to process emotions from unfair situations. And if I choose to avoid people in order to control them, hoping they will see they are monsters, that magically they will find pity inside them and change their rude behaviour. Sticking to avoidance as response to unfair situation is a reaction that over time creates damage. Being unable to admit why I chose to avoid is damaging. Being unable to talk it out is damaging. Developing magical thinking, that I must overcompensate and be perfect in order for others would not get angry at me is damaging.
Now I understand that focusing on control other people's behavior is external referencing and in long term it will spawn into codependency. It is wrong learned perception from childhood how I see interaction with people around me and how I see myself - not worthy enough. No one told me that I was overcompensating by trying to be perfect so I never stopped it. As child I was faced with uncomfortable situation that I tried to solve with tools and skills I had as a child. And I never corrected them later in life, I stuck with incorrect, dysfunctional childhood responses.
Trauma flip flops decisions and reactions. For example, "normal" folks would walk away from someone rude without thinking too much or they would scream back, express themselves known so that they push away from themselves - and not think much about it afterwards. On the other side, abuse victims who freeze stay with the abuse, then comply and contemplate about it, fawn, try to please, immerse as if hypnotized. Healthy person would express annoyance while trauma victim smile back and shut up and take the abuse out of fear from retaliation. Which brings me to society issue. If you live in environment where you are exposed to confrontation about everyday, regular interaction, if small actions are issue and big deal, than the environment is toxic. If the norm of communication is being obnoxious, loud, aggressive, then the environment is toxic.
Trauma blocked my dreams, better life. If I was scared to do more, take more action, if I chose being isolated, and if going outside was mental struggle, then the reaction was also problem. Problem are unrecognized emotions and feelings. Problem is inability to deal with trauma and negative emotions other than hiding away or fawning. And the problem is not being able to recognize what is the problem in the first place. Avoidance and social anxiety facts all focus on calming down, but the root cause is almost always ignored or explained as unimportant. Yet all trauma and PTSD information state avoidance and social withdrawal as main symptom of being exposed to trauma. And without the information I am stuck in limbo. I avoid people in general but I stayed at the bad environment. I exposed myself to people, but I shut up at unfairness. I stayed with unfairness and endured, been stoic yet I was not stoic inside.
Now with trauma information I learn that even though I felt emotions very deeply - I did not process them, I missed the definitions and labels for them, thus I was emotionally numb without realizing it. Trauma is made ongoing by unprocessed and unlabelled emotions. I can start labeling emotions so they are not stuck any longer.
With trauma information I understand I am externally focused and this created codependency, people pleasing and being pushover. I was not aware about self worth. The information from social anxiety and avoidance are about self esteem and confidence, none of them mentioned self worth. Without self worth I cannot see myself in childhood when for example I would see young adults having good life - falling in love, marrying, having good times with friends, that it was something I would have one day, too. And without self worth I would snap out of worry cycle as something that destroys good life. With external referencing I am focused on other person, usually angry and aggressive one to please them in order not to wreck havoc. With anxiety and without self worth, I would self-censor myself and I would not protest. I would be embarrassed to be in such situation where someone is loud, obnoxious and annoying and narcissists exploit this self imposed guilt to trigger even more guilt and shame in order to control us. Cursing and threatening - and if no one objects, they do not stop, unless as a way to control the target. Without self worth I would run away but come back. I would give up and not try again.
The battle with trauma goes on two war-fronts. One war front is calming the imagined attack, triggered by flashbacks in real situation or memory. The other war front is handling the real attack, criticism and weak spot that drags on from childhood. Both war-fronts have the same logic behind - being stuck in emotions, being frozen, unable to label emotions, lacking definitions and going to learned wrong default dysfunctional response from childhood - fawning in my case. And hovering above it all is external projecting and lack of self worth that gives fuel to over reacting and uncomfortable symptoms.
They're saying that something is wrong with me...that I should be ashamed! Well...I'm-- I'm sick of being ashamed. I don't mind being dejected and rejected but I'm not going to be ashamed about it. At least pain is real. You-- you look around, and you see nothing is real. I'm a phony fuck just like my dad! Just like anybody. You see, the real me is just as worried as the rest of you. They say I'm disturbed. Of course I'm disturbed! I mean, we're all disturbed, and if we're not, why not? Doesn't this blend of blindness and blandness want to make you do something crazy? Then why not do something crazy? It makes a hell of a lot more sense than blowing your fucking brains out! You know? Go nuts! Go crazy! Get creative! They think you've got attitude? You show 'em some real attitude. Get crazy! Hey! No more Mr. Nice Guy!
Pump Up the Volume (1990)
No more hiding. Listen. Hard Harry: We're all worried. We're all in pain. That just that comes with having eyes, with having ears. But just remember one thing. It can't get any worse. It can only get better. I mean, high school is the bottom. Being a teenager sucks, but that's the point. Surviving it is the whole point. Quitting is not going to make you strong. Living will, so just hang on and hang in there. You know, I.. I know all about the hating and the sneering. I'm a member of the "Why bother?" generation myself. But why did I bother to come out here tonight? And why did you? It begins with us, not with politicians the experts, or the teachers, but with us. With you and with me. The ones who need it most. I believe with everything that's in me
that the whole world is longing for healing. You can hear it everywhere. It's the same kind of healing I desperately needed and...finally feel has begun with you. Speak out. They can't stop you. Find your voice and use it. It's your life. Take charge of it. Do it. Try it, try anything.
Pump Up the Volume (1990)
You have movies, magazines and TV telling you what to do but you know what you have to do. Huh? Your job, your purpose is to get accepted, get a cute girlfriend think up something great to do for the rest of your life. What if you're confused and can't imagine a career? What if you're funny-looking and can't get a girlfriend? You see, no one wants to hear it. But the terrible secret...is that being young...is sometimes less fun...
Pump Up the Volume (1990)
(13.6.2021)
Being most of my life scared to talk I realized that people react to me because I annoy them. Some of them, but in my head I generalize it and everyone is the same. And then I interpret their anger as superior, justified and true. When triggered this is keeping silent is incredibly strong and it takes an effort to speak up. And I've found it usually is easier when I get angry myself at people being stupid and aggressive. But such response I know is not functional and it doesn't solve anything and might only create damage. But it's still better than staying silent and thus forcing myself to feel inferior.
I understand that healing complex trauma is when I am not stuck anymore. When I move forward. When I take action. When there is no rumination anymore, no PureOCD type of worry. I can't do it in unsafe environment, where there is constant criticism.
And how about others? How they naturally find balance, they do not get exploited, they are not being annoying, not being aggressive? If it is hard task for trauma survivors, how they manage to be sociable, open, friendly and calm not to chase people away either by being rude or non sociable. Perhaps they are fake and act, they are actors. Why they don't fall apart of someone is rude to them? How they interpret and process rudeness, constant criticism? I guess they don't have guilt, shame, someone close to them who program them to be hyper-vigilant and catastrophize any undertaking. As been through bulling I always had understanding for someone who is scared but people who over-react bothered me. Now I can have understanding for drama-queens or for someone who is rude and anti-social since now I know how hard it is to be social and collected after being wounded.
It seems that my response is critical. It is not the situation that is embarrassing. I over-react, too. I do not express it outside, so perhaps no one would know if I do not admit it myself, all physical symptoms and uncomfortable thoughts, too. Flashbacks or similar circumstances trigger me. I don't think I am highly sensitive but trauma made me act in extreme sensitive way. I was programmed into it. I see danger where there is none just because it looks similar. Kinda like pollen allergy. I am unable to process data, unable to sort information, when triggered I am unable to see the event, people and reactions objectively. I label it all as dangerous because it feels dangerous, immediately. Due to emotional hijacking there is no energy to think about it. Without danger alert, I would be able to see it differently and see it objectively. I know logically I have to collect data first before making any assumption or and any long term decision. I did not know that before, so it is habit also that needs to be changed. To change trauma is changing my reaction which means stop and look for evidence is there real danger when I feel danger. If I feel attacked, what is the evidence of being attacked?
That feeling of being attacked, that is the central problem. I would feel panic and I would withdraw, I would feel physical symptoms that I would interpret as I am in danger, and I would also remember the past events when I was really attacked (physically or verbally) and I responded now by keeping quiet. And I would also get automatic negative thoughts, cognitive distortions and as I've would chosen being isolated I would get secondary wave of negative thoughts about low confidence and being pathetic, coward. As repeated, I would become people pleaser, pushover and codependent, believing I am unable to do anything. And how kids with relatively low shyness would solve this? And not everyone responded by being pushover. I guess some kids broke the ice and face their fears and realized the bad situations do not happen all the time and got some gain from repeated exposure. Also, many of them did not have narcissistic abuse and toxic shaming, so when they would expose themselves, there was no criticism or mocking waiting around the corner. And if they did encounter it they would respond to it differently, they did not take it personally and dismiss it easily. They did not spend their free time worrying and ruminating about their hurt. Some of them did not withdraw in isolation and spend their time watching TV obsessively. TV as distorted reality, since movies and series must show characters in somewhat unrealistic settings, such as main character being sociable and talkative - which means others characters would be interested in conversation and kind to each other enough to keep relationship going in a comprehensive manner, which is rarity in real life. And finding love and friends seems easier in fiction. While if you spend most of your time immersed in, you start to expect the reality to obey fiction. So this created secondary fears and panic attacks, once you expect real life communication and development to go on as presented on TV. Perhaps reality TV gained popularity since it was evident to people something is wrong as they got disillusioned and tricked by the work of fiction.
Isolation did not make me safe. I had no chance to learn how to deal with bullying. No one told me and isolation seemed as the best way to not hurt anyone and not make any damage while being bombarded by narcissistic abuse in the same time both from home and outside. In my mind I glued all anxiety together, both my inner symptoms and outside unfair treatment and my perceptions how life and reality should be, which kept me disappointed. I learned to shut up in order not to rock the boat, but this had detrimental effect to confidence and feelings of inferiority and worthlessness. I was programmed to obey and serve, to be safe by being under a glass bell. The past is done but the next time I need to take action and go out to unknown, when I have to confront, face some event or people, perhaps instead of fears and panic attack, once I calm the triggers, I might then remember my past living in isolation and hidden away and not confronting. How did that work for me? Perhaps I was safe at home, but as adult my shelter depends on me. Without being able to face fears, what is the alternative? Being in institution? And all that for not wanting to rock the boat and being pushed around as others are seen as superior and competent. When I was young I did not have experience so I had no proof that I was intelligent enough to stand on my own, have my opinions and decisions, and that many of my ideas were the best ones, if only I spoke them out and realized them. With experience I know now that there were many situations where I knew how some subject would play out and what is the best course of action but I kept silent, afraid how someone would react with anger and disrespect if I started to talk, cutting me off and not being able to express my idea fully. And my reaction by keeping silent, and belief that others are better and competent. And my belief that it is very shameful to be in situation where someone scorn me, automatically it is wrong and proof that I am unworthy and pathetic.
So I could say non-action is bad, succumbing to overwhelming fears inside is bad and this is what I need to fix. Problem is that I decide not to take action and interpret fears as reality as defense mechanism, wrong learned reaction to unfair treatment and unfavorable reality. But how I look at reality is also distorted in many cases, where I perceive people and events as dangerous while in reality they are not. This comes to the basic wrong learned pattern: that I do not process reality. I jump to conclusions, I rush and I act quickly without taking all things in consideration. Often, the response is to hide, run away, isolate, as it was proven to diminish panic state very quickly, so of course this is repeated. I never was told this was a problem, both isolation and rushing. I guess I rush things because I was learned to, by narcissists, to have no time to think since it would expose them as wrong if I only had some time to think about what I was manipulated around.
Children who experience narcissistic abuse suffer physically and mentally. They are exposed to mixed messages and often grow up feeling unwanted.
CPTSD Foundation, TWITTER
How to Stop Being a Coward
Academy of Ideas
Courage is a skill that can be cultivated and above all else this skill emerges from the way we relate to our emotions. To act with courage requires that we stop looking at distressing emotions as barriers to action, and instead to proceed into life even in the presence of the fear, anxiety, guilt or shame.
We need to outline the role that emotions play in a human life and we need to distinguish between adaptive and maladaptive emotions – for within this frame of understanding, it will become clear why the typical way people relate to distressing emotions promotes cowardice, and why an alternative is needed.
Michael Mahoney (Constructive Psychotherapy): Emotions serve critical roles in directing our attention, shaping our perceptions, organizing our memory, and motivating our active engagement with the learning that life relentlessly require of us.
There has been persistent trend in history of ideas, stretching all the way back to Plato, that characterizes emotions as the unruly and animalistic elements of human life. Our emotions, according to this perspective disrupt our tranquillity and impede our ability to think rationally. But this view is one-sided and overlooks the prospective role of emotions, for our emotions, when functioning properly help us adapt to our environment. They provide information as to the good and bad of our life and they direct our attention at a speed that often surpasses that of our cognitive mind. While all emotions can provide us with information, it is often the most distressing emotions that are packed with the most important information. Fear can focus us to a threat, anxiety can alert us to the fact that we are taking a wrong path in life, while guilt and shame can signal that our behaviour is not in line with our moral compass. Or as Leslie Greenberg explains in “Emotion focused therapy”, The normal function of emotion is to rapidly process complex situational information, in order to provide feedback to the person about his/her reaction and to prepare the person to take effective action.
Our emotions, in other words are crucial, not just in our ability to survive but to flourish. But where most of us struggle is in our ability to deal with what are called “maladaptive emotions”. For sometimes our emotions can take on a life of their own and instead of signalling adaptive ways to interact with our environment, they deceive us and impel us to behave in ways that will diminish our well-being. These maladaptive emotions, as Greenberg explains, “no longer help the person cope constructively with the situations that elicit them: rather they interfere with effective functioning. These emotional responses generally involve overlearned responses, on the basis of previous, often traumatic experiences”.
Maladaptive emotions are the little devils that throw our life off course, they are the emotions that give rise to phobias, anxiety disorders, anger problems, depression and distorted levels of guilt and shame. Most people try to cope with such distressing emotions in one of two ways: through reasoning or through suppression. Both methods, however, are antithetical (directly opposed or contrasted; mutually incompatible) to the cultivation of courage, as they treat distressing emotions as states that must be overcome before action can be taken and the possibilities of life explored. But what makes matters worse is that both approaches tend to fail in achieving their intended purpose of freeing us from the grip of the maladaptive emotion. Reasoning with our emotions is often resorted to when we are cognizant of the fact that our maladaptive emotions are not in line with the reality of our situation. At such moments, it can seem reasonable to try and argue with our emotions in the hope that our cognitive mind can exert control over them and free us to move forward unimpeded by their presence. But emotions are rarely controllable by sheer acts of will, nor amenable to the power of thought alone. In fact, an intense emotion is more likely to override our ability to think clearly than a clear thought is to override an intense emotion, or as Alexander Pope famously put, "the rulling passion, be it what it will, the rulling passion conquers reason still". As our thoughts alone will rarely free us from an anxiety disorder, or phobia, or other forms of maladaptive emotions, many people give up on this approach and instead turn to emotional suppression for relief.
If we cannot defeat these emotional states with our thoughts, perhaps we can force them out of our conscious awareness. Suppression can work at times, but at a price to pay; for as the psychologist Alexander Lowen explains in his book "Fear of Life": "...surpressing a feeling doesn't make it go away; it only pushes it deeper into the unconscious. By this action, we internalize the problem." Internalizing our emotional states merely displaces their effects: instead of feeling angry we may develop chronic muscular tension or migraines; instead of feeling anxiety we may develop bodily symptoms such as digestion problems or an inability to sleep. But a further problem with supression is that it creates a new barrier to courageous action. We may no longer feel the emotion, but the psychosomatic ailment we created in the process will often become our new excuse for remaning stagnant. Instead of telling ourselves that we must overcome our fear or anxiety before we take bold actions, we now tell ourselves that we must heal what ails the body. But if reasoning with maladaptive emotions proves ineffective , and the suppression only distorts the problem, what is the alternative? How can we relate to distressing emotions in a way that promotes the cultivation of courage?
One tool that can assist us in this regard is emotional labelling. Emotional labelling entails noticing the presence of an emotion, and instead of arguing against it or trying to suppress it, we accept it and internally label it. We say to ourselves: "I am feeling anxious", "I am experiencing fear" or "I am feeling angry". This may seem like trivial act, but as Greenberg explains,
"A growing body of research has revealed that labelling an emotion (ie putting one's feelings into words) helps to regulate affect downwards. Thus, when one sees an angry face and attaches to it the word angry, there is a affect labelling thus go beyond whatever actual insight are gained by knowing what one feels, because the act of labelling itself actually decreases arousal." LESLIE GREENBERG
After labeling our emotion, we will be in a better position to evaluate what, if anything, the emotion is signalling us to do. If the emotion is adaptive and pointing us in a clear direction, then we will have little reason to disobey what it tells us. But matters are not so straightforward for maladaptive emotions, for unlike an adaptive emotion, a maladaptive emotion is best coped with not by doing what the emotion seems to be telling us, which is usually some form of avoidance, but by doing the oppposite. We need to expland our life in the face of maladaptive emotions as constricting our life only reifies (bridge between what is abstract and what is real ) the phantom threats that give rise to these distressing states, and herein lies a great opportunity for those of us afflicted by maladaptive emotions: their presence creates an ideal situation for the cultivation of courage; for courage, at its essence, is the ability to take action even when storms of doubt rage within, and so the more our life is afflicted by maladaptive emotions, the more opportunities we have to practice acting in this manner. To take advantage of our maladaptive emotions, we should create a list of small actionable steps that gradually expose us to the situations we fear, each step should take us progressively further out of our comfort zone, but if we can commit to taking at least one step each day, we will have turned out maladaptive emotions from inhibitors of our well-being to promoter of stronger self. When a distressing emotion is triggered thought this exercise, we merely need to label it, accept it and then move forward regardless of how uncomfortable we feel. If we are consistent in our practice, we will likely notice that our maladaptive emotions arise with diminshed frequency, but even if they continue to be part of our life, this exercise will teach us that distressing emotions need not be chains that limit us and that action can be taken even in their presence. We will have learned, in other words, the art of acting with courage. Courage, wrote Mark Twain, "is resistance to fear, not absence of fear.". But to become a true master of our fears and one of the rare few who can honestly say that courage is a trait that define us, we must be willing to occasionally experiment with taking bold steps, not just small ones, as sometimes it is a leap that life requires. To give ourself the best chance of becoming capable of such feats, we may find it helpful to add to our arsenal some tools and techniques that harness the power of the body-mind connection; next topic of video. For the way we hold our body, the way we move it through the world, and the way we fuel it greatly influences what we feel capable of achieving our body, in other words, is so intimately connected to the state of our mind that mastery of the world within must pay homage to the somatic side of our existance, for as Carl Jung wrote, "The enigmatic oneness of the living organism, has as its corollary the fact that bodily traits are not merely physical, nor mental traits merely psychic. The continuity of nature knows nothing of those antithetical distinctions which the human intelect is forced to set as aids to understanding".
(15.6.2021)
I expect people to be kind, super kind and that they will never hurt anyone in any way. That is not realistic. That is burden that I must then follow myself (for myself to myself) and thus I people please and I am pushover. It is important to have a good character and it is healthy to look how people treat each other. I can't expect someone to look after every detail and subjugate its goals, tasks over people. If I do that there is a sense of entitlement, lack of humbleness, and actually there is exploitation. Not all desires should be complied, we would drain resources, for example our own finances if we please our every need and emotion that comes up. So expecting everyone to be kind, perfect and obliging would be detrimental to my energy, time and finances or any other resource. That goes both ways. I can let go of expecting a perfect world and perfect people but also I can let go of need to perform perfectly (and then beat myself up when I make mistake) and I can stop forcing myself to be perfect superhuman - once I let go this need from others, too. I can now allow them to be stupid, idiot morons, careless and egocentric, selfish and plain dumb. This way I can allow myself to not oblige others automatically, all of them and feel guilty afterwards for turning them down. If intrusive thoughts of guilt come up after I occasionally say "no" - I can reverse intrusive toxic shame voice by telling myself the truth: "It is for their own good" that I denied their wishes and commands.
Others words are really like command to me. This is something I must reverse. For example, someone might say something that sounds like a fact and thus I trust it, while in fact this person secretly suffers from severe depression and thus their facts are false. They might have defense mechanism to invent pessimism but I take their serious and solemn explanations as reality. For example, they might say you will never accomplish some task due to this and that. This means I have to incorporate this awareness in my daily narrative, stop and remember what they say I take as direct command. Through abuse I was programmed to believe anything someone rude, warning, serious, bold says. I am not aware of Socrates famous quote - to question everything. Instead, I trust all without questions, automatically without thinking they might be fake and false due to any reason - hidden and untreated mental instability for example. I actually go along and trust others in order to avoid conflict, confrontation and arguments, possible anger and attack if I say something back or question their facts or reject their opinion as invalid. It would be healthy to not self-censor myself and speak up, especially when I know my facts and knowledge and experience that goes directly opposite to their words.
Emotion processing is faulty as trauma mechanism. That means I am afraid to feel pain and I run from it. I think feeling the pain is the same as identity, I equate emotions and facts and myself, my inner self. when i incorporate this in my daily events, I have to do and think differently than when I was growing up. Stop the past patterns and try new - for example talk back, not self censor.
Emotion processing is stuck or defined falsely is we experience anxiety. So our explanations how we feel are probably wrong. Then we make decisions upon false explanations. Social anxiety means we are surrounded by sick people and we take their explanations as reality and truth. We base our decisions on other people's sick mind and their cognitive errors.
Trauma beneath social anxiety tells us we were programmed to cognitive errors by others who traumatized us. So logic tells us - the only way to replace faulty cognitive components is to learn what is the virus in our thoughts so we could recognize the virus in other people heads, too. That would be learning about thinking errors and ego defense mechanism.
Agreeableness' dark side: believing other person whatever they say without any doubt.
Splitting is the reason why psychiatry denies toxic people and they do not focus on psychopaths from our traumas - because not one side is white and other black totally. There is denial as defense mechanism, where person will paint a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. Then offended by truth, labeling everyone confronting them as toxic.
Ego defense mechanism comes down - that all defenses are wrong, and mature ones are constructive enough to make us go through life on crutches.
It comes down to interdependence and William Glasser's What's my choice:
Controlling Habits: Blaming, criticizing, complaining, nagging, rewarding to control, threatening, punishing.
Connecting Habits: Listening, supporting, encouraging, negotiating, respecting, accepting, trusting
https://www.verywellmind.com/defense-mechanisms-2795960
This following truth will give me action boost against avoidance and hiding; I am afraid of criticism and attack. People will not attack me unless they perceive I made mistake, transgression against them, and/or that I cost them money or time. Attacks will not happen all the time. Attacks do not happen all the time. And if I make mistake I can apologize. If there is transgression or false accusation - I am allowed to defend myself and speak out. Even the darkest regimes in the past had courts.
(16.6.2021)
It is a good principle in science not to believe any fact however well attested until it fits into some accepted frame of reference. Not to believe it until he could explain it.
book "2061: Odyssey Three"
They say having boundaries is when you tell 'no' instead of being 'yes person'. Yet, boundaries are instead when I soak other people words like sponge, I believe them all, and take their words as commands. I don't need to tell them no, the gate is in my head. Once I stop trusting and having open door policy for other people mentality and talk, I will have boundaries that will allow me to assert saying no, since there will be none of their words attached, parasiting inside me.
For example, learning that though work you can get rid of anxiety. And it feels good to help someone. Then someone comes in, in person or advice from books and tells you that you are being pushover, label you as people pleaser - while they might be lazy or jealous for my popularity, and I listen to them and I feel toxic shame for feeling like defective, while I am not aware I employed healthy ego defense mechanism all the time - altruism.
Agreeableness is good thing from the point that without it I would not be open to consider foreign and strange situations, that might enrich me, I could learn something totally new that I would not otherwise find out in current environment. But also - the fact of life is that life is full of new, unknown and strange situations popping/pooping out of nowhere all the time. Therefore it is crucial to be open to new things instead of automatic running away, dismissing or avoiding. Piaget and Vygotski said that during childhood we are actually learning how to modulate, change and cope with blocks.
Only those learning with assistance of a capable mentor can reach full potential of their ability. By giving students practice in talking with others, we give them frames for thinking on their own.
Vygotsky's Theory of Cognitive Development
It is that we learn how to gather information and then draw decisions to solve puzzles. If we run away, if we hide we won't be able to solve puzzles and thus we won't be able to cope with life. And that goes to Frame problem:
Humans are capable of selecting what is relevant (the block has been moved) and ignoring unnecessary complications (why the block isn't there). Vast amounts of memory were needed to explain this to a computer.
The Frame Problem
J. McCarthy and P. Hayes, 1969
1001 IDEAS, R. Arp
So having social anxiety or avoidance or panic attacks is being blocked by something and we have the frame problem. We are actually in this situation like Data from Star Trek TNG series, a robot, unable to employ fuzzy logic. The world is dualistic, it has contradictions, and we cannot expect it to be black and white. This would mean that Data would probably suffer from Splitting Ego defence, just as we do - if we do not integrate Agreeableness inside us, being open to new directions, ideas while in the same time to have very strong wall and boundary not to soak all words from others as our personal commands an as ultimate truths. And that is the purpose of work - to solve puzzles. As human beings, it is our task to solve puzzles, observe people and environment. If we remove our choice to speak out, to compare opinions with our knowledge and experience, we would dehumanize ourselves. This is what social anxiety, avoidance and trauma is doing - we are dehumanized, we are missing the element of dealing with being stuck by seeking new perspectives if current ones are producing dis-favorable and dysfunctional results.
CPTSD Foundation, TWITTER
Some research suggests that a good hug can cause the body to release oxytocin, which allows cortisol levels to fall back down to normal.
Fact, TWITTER:
People tend to confuse being mean with being honest.
Agreeableness has also one positive aspect - agent of change. It is being able to not reject something strange and revolting immediately, especially if it is something that we can't cut off - as job. It is our ability to influence it to change, we can tweak and make our mark. As we stay long enough, we might see that in certain aspects we have control and make something better.
You tube: The Barista Situation - Childhood Trauma Work - Episode 9:
The barista had a FML moment, was rude, dismissive and behaved contemptuously towards you.
COMMENT:
- Oh I hate that feeling when things play over and over in my mind when I didn't handle things successfully
- I would feel guilty for making that person angry 😳 anyone else feel that way?
- Guilty for your existence
- But you DIDN'T "make" that person angry. That person CHOSE his own reaction, just as we all do. If someone accidentally steps on my toe in a crowded bus, and I start screaming obscenities at him, did he MAKE me scream and swear at him? Could I have chosen to do or say something else?
- Narcs also never feel good enough. Instead of fawning they start a fight.
- You're right. The worst part of it is all the days afterward that you think, "why didn't I.... or I should have said...." I obsess for days, until I finally decide I was somehow at fault and push it down into my subconscious.
- The barista's attitude is HIS problem; I ain't gonna make it mine.
How about "This isn't my drink. My order was a _____. Thanks."
it's super awkward in public and boom you are triggered. Do we know we are triggered when something like this comes up? Usually we're just all reaction and we're all trigger and we lose our sense of mindfulness and awareness about our adult part. Exercise to figure out how trigger less, what might be best course of action to take. Not what is right thing to do, we are all different. There is no right or wrong to be perfect in this situation. When we do it in hypothetical it is funny how predictable common reactions are. Some would speak to manager, apologize profusely, it must be me, I'm sorry for ruining your life, crawl afterwards, so big charge of rage and shame. Some go to cerebral and think about capitalism and corporations, not feelings, we overly make sense of things. Ashamed, later mad for being weak. Some would blow – depend other stuff going on. You're having a very common responses if you grew up in childhood trauma, and verbally emotionally abused. It sucks to be triggered, we have adrenaline, apologizing, no emotional reaction – shut down flight. We have all that experience in body but we lose energy in that body. It would stay with me at least two days, i would wrestling in my head, fighting, person is just stranger, they are not in grand scheme of things that important in our life, but we give them so much power in our heads.
That situation hits the button, that is very active button from childhood. Exercise, look at this in 4 ways.
4 columns.
Column1= about recognizing our inner child is activated , is my child up? Am I triggered?
Column2 = what am i feeling and how am i usually reacting. What am i feeling? How am i reacting?
Column 3= what does it take me back to in childhood? Situations and memories.
Column 4= more complex,
column1 – knowing how much your inner child is running your life, triggered, activated in your life. Recognizing our kid is up, be curious in real time. It is miracle for some people to say i am triggered. That is different being so in it, but may be so in emotional roller coaster, what we say what we do. A lot of will happen after. But in real time you may know you are having some kind of reaction. It may not be totally about the present. It keeps prefrontal lobe online more. Inner child is more about limbic system, amygdala. F my moment -amygdala will get activated, smoke alarm activated, we lose our best thinking and then we start going through survival strategies – fawn.
Column 2- what am I feeling, how am I behaving. exploratory to keep adult more in place, prefrontal. Check in yourself afterwards what i was feeling – humiliated by person, charge to that, may think you did something wrong. Did i give funny look. Feeling anxiety, shame, rage, indignation. Some people go write letter. Next time this happens you can go talk to manager because that was not ok. In other cases person is bozo on bus but in grand scheme who cares. Different advices how they are wired. Look at jpeg feeling wheel – i am in shock, I'm surprised, disgusted by person. Those word are helpful how you feeling why you behave in certain way. Rageful – indignity– that is not all bad, it is more about the wave of emotion in our history from childhood behind it. To look what is looking what is our part in us, even though that looks unfair. What am i feeling how I behave. Shame apologizing – why did I fawn, why did i not stick up for myself. Core beliefs from cbt – I'm not as good as other people. If people don't respect me i can't stand it.
Column 3 – super important to do this work. what does it take me back to childhood, repressed memories. Your body remembers, your amygdala smoke alarm remembers about these dynamics in some ways. Being shamed. We get snippets what goes down. One of parent was narcissist, struggled with mental health problems. You will have based reaction based on that alone. Screamed at unfairly. Strategy make themselves to be problem because they are told to be problem. There is no moral judgement, not get caught up judge us for based survival strategies. Having to settle for things, scapegoat, i tell you what you want , walk on eggshells. Take same scenario how would your parents react to that barista. Huge element is shame that runs these scenarios. Dysfunctional – blow place up, embarrassing. Passive – still not advocating for myself, strategy keeps us stuck.
As kids we are just trying to do our best and how to be in life. And we are doing that without any help or healthy modelling.
Column 4 what would our parents do.
Also, what do we do about barista? This is not my drink – make fool of myself, not graceful but we are
making progress. Get more balanced, i would stay in middle lane. Not stand up for myself but not blow things up. Everyone is sort of different. Say to them i waited tables i get it, but don't talk to people like that. Or lets talk to manager if they raise ante.
(18.6.2021)
Toxic people - the concept of toxic people or focus on narcissists and psychopaths are not encouraged by official psychiatry because, what makes you objective judge of reality? For example, once I was indirectly accused by personnel for medical checkup to be late, while I was instructed by phone few days earlier to come at the told time, it was not my mistake. We accuse and invent reasons why someone appears rude to us. We are angry due to personal reason so we might easily project our anger on innocent, or half innocent people. We do not know the whole truth. We never know why people behave in certain way, we can not read their minds. We never know what burden they carry inside them that is responsible for their actions.
I got scared in childhood and I started to avoid people. I gave up, I forfeited. And I forgot it in that way. The fears were too strong for me to bear back then. Reality was too much to bear, other peoples outburst of anger. I could not take it anymore. Reality therefore requires resilience, coming back and looking for solutions constantly - and the missing components would be courage, action and aggressiveness, determination and dark shadow.
I want you to realize these are basically normal people who are sick. It's every reason to believe that good part of their brain is normal and fighting to regain total health.
The Caretakers (1963)
It is in the group that something exciting happens. The group fights to be normal. Fights in some remarkable way to destroy the abnormality in each person, in each brain. People in group begin to realize they need and care for each other.
The Caretakers (1963)
(19.6.2021)
Due to trauma, I see everyone as toxic. I understand that I over react and I have to remember that when I lose objectivity, it is unhealthy. If someone is annoying, obnoxious, loud and rude it triggers me into feeling ashamed and I feel strong emotions that I cannot process nor label them. The closest label would be unfairness. It is not even anger the first reaction. Anger comes afterwards, when I know that instead of fawn reaction I can actually choose fight response. This is tricky because although it seems like I fight unfairness, the reality is the need to change other people as being distortion. The resentment is not healthy. And I forget the syndrome of being viewed as someone who is nervous, like Karen.
I know I need to calm down so that instead of aggression I express my opinion and words in civilized manner, at least in the most situations. Since I struggle with inferiority complex, I have to change the view how I automatically see rude people as superior. Instead it would help to see it for example like angry people, the critics see me as rude. They are offended by my actions that they interpret as crossing their boundaries. I can use this as an advantage - they see me rude. That means they are afraid. They are afraid of me when they are rude, that rudeness is their defense mechanism. I interpret their hysteria as proof I am inferior and imposed shame as proof of being guilty, automatically, just because I feel shame.
Therefore if I am triggered by unkind, rude, nervous, hysterical people - this according to Jung means are parts of myself that I denied and suppressed and buried. I feel shame if I act like that myself, and I feel guilt also, and I feel automatically ashamed when others are behaving like this in situations when it is not directed at me at all, as by-stander. Inner shadow by Jung tells us that we want to be good, but this is causing tremendous pressure, since we expect ourselves to be perfect which is unrealistic and fantasy. Through narcissistic abuse we were programmed to obey and follow instructions, focusing our tasks and words to sculpture ourselves based on input by abuser. So I guess I can allow to break some rules that were unwittingly imposed on me, upon me. I want to be good, I think myself to be good, I want to appear good, but mistakes are part of humanity. I put incredible pressure to be good for the wrong people who are abusing, parasitizing and exploiting my need to be good for their goals, tasks and mental instabilities.
As for toxic people, some people appear toxic. Some people over respond to everything and they are hard to live with, due to nagging, criticism and constant victimhood, making problem and issue out of everything and everyone. Some people who want peace under-respond in order to keep peace. Then toxic people are parasitizing over "good" people who shut up to their demands and boundary crossings. They think they are strong and competent, for getting what they want when they want it. But they are not, they are just abusing good people who seek balance and relationship and give into demands. This is where toxic people label comes as misleading. Some people are unaware of this dynamics and if we warn them, if we explain them what they are doing, they might change and cooperate. So the problem is "good" people who shut up and do not assert their needs. They expect other people to be good to read their minds. So it is good sometimes in certain situations to react and to voice out our opinions, especially when we are accused of something unfairly, and when the other person is expressing their rage and unkindness and nervousness - that means the communication channel is open, even though is might seem as an attack to us, and signal to run and hide and to self censor ourselves. We might fall into goodness trap and think we are bad people if we speak out and confront. Programmed toxic shame makes us feel ashamed, embarrassed and guilty for simply being in situation where someone is yelling. That is where courage as missing component steps in. Being willing to not self censor ourselves when we feel afraid. We stop equating our feelings with ourselves. Just because I feel ashamed does not mean I need to run, hide and stop going after my goal. We stop equating thoughts as facts. Just because I have intrusive thoughts and catastrophizing, it does not mean I have to make actions based on such thoughts.
So for people it is important to be around other people. If we start to label toxic people, we become too sensitive and we set too strict standards for ourselves to follow and live by, and soon we see toxic people in everyone and everything. We want to protect ourselves from pain, but isolating ourselves then creates new kind of pain and additional damage, since we are cut off from all people, including non toxic ones. This is where it gets complex for people who are codependent, who attract toxic people. We surrender and we feel incompetent so we do not try to stand on our feet. We think we are too weak, and narcissists probably make everything to persuade ourselves to feel like this about ourselves. Through projecting and thus mental transference of their mental illness onto us, we start to have cognitive distortions such as catastrophizing and plethora of thinking errors that will trap us in cycle of low confidence, we will believe we are incompetent to live. We can also get infected by their tools of narcissism. So, if we label toxic people, it is form of scapegoating. Finger pointing and blaming is narcissist's tool. And as we know from trauma, narcissistic tools destroy mental health, so it would be wise to minimize it and not to enforce it just because it might feel good to us to get revenge and hurt back others.
As species we need to be around each other, it is important. You have brain damage, narcissist does scramble your brain. It is nothing permanent. When you go through daily trauma for years it messes you up. Being in hyper-vigilant, state of fight or flight, being people pleaser, being society scapegoat, it f*cks up your brain. As you recover you will start to see you had some type of brain damage.
YT Rebounding From Narcissism
I feel incompetent. This is the central point of toxic shame, and thus fears, trauma, social anxiety and consequently avoidance.
At the core of trauma is resentment but also the feeling of incompetence. That I cannot handle life, people and situations that life throws at you. The toxic shame of feeling incompetent is lower even than inferiority complex. Inferiority implies you have something, some matter in hand that feels smaller if compared with "better", "normal" and "healthy" people. Incompetence implies you have nothing. Then it is obvious that I will through law of attraction attract in my life what I truly believe about myself - issues and problems that I invite by crippling beliefs about feeling not worthy.
When I feel scared, when I am out there doing something new, I tend to exaggerate. I tend to distract myself - perhaps as denial defense mechanism. So I tend to invent problems. Then abuser, or someone extremely rude comes by, comes in my awareness, and that scares me off additionally. Others come in and order me around, I people please, because I handle fears already present inside me from before and now new fears of confrontation came along with a rude, aggressive annoying person. I am attacked already from inside, then invaders come in and exploit me, already wounded inside. There is no wonder I employ any technique to defend myself, including thinking errors, cognitive distortions, I try to change, modulate people and circumstances to chase away these sea of fears. The incompetence feeling, as source of toxic shame only holds these fears together in motion and gives them energy.
When we are around toxic people for too long, we are infected by their distorted mentality. We are not aware but we employ their narcissistic strategies inside us as the parts of our own. They hurt us, they cause us pain, but we are not aware that in certain situations we will act just like them, as we were conditioned, programmed and taught to behave like them. This is why toxic people labeling is futile, we are toxic ourselves, we see in others what is instilled inside us by toxic people. We would not otherwise be bothered by it. The actions we do are important. We are not so good as we believe we are. Just because we were hurt that does not make us good people or absolved by any kind of our transgression against others.
Labeling other people as toxic is form of scapegoating. We think pointing fingers will solve all our problems but it does not. It makes us search for more scapegoats to feel good about ourselves. We become toxic ourselves. When we scapegoat other people, we deny the possibility of person to be in gray area - instead we see distorted other people, them being either black or white.
Aggression breeds aggression. After we've acted aggressively, we still have the feeling of anger that led us to be aggressive in the first place.
Social Psychology.
Then if we still feel unease, discomfort and something that is wrong - that is trauma wound. It is entity that is broadcasting chaos and distortion, we see the world through the eyes of evil, virus that has infected us inside, where we cannot see and it runs our lives and our decisions and we are not even aware of this parasitic entity. Until we expose it to light, it will direct our decisions, moods and feelings. We are manipulated and gaslighted by false virus programming inside us. Then of course we will repeat the same setting in outer world and suit our environment to have the same settings, narcissists and abusers that parasite over our good nature and willingness to help and socialize.
At the outer layer of the wound is resentment. Once we peel this layer, inside is toxic shame. And toxic shame for me is feeling incompetent. That feeling will drive my every decision, conscious or unconscious.
That is why toxic shame was ungraspable. This is why emotions where I got blocked, that I could not identify and define what I am feeling, is the reason because it was hidden from my observation.
This tells me the next time I feel scared or whatever reason, blocked and unable to move, now I can say I feel incompetent. As a child I could not process this complex emotion. But as adult, I do not need to employ immature ego defenses to keep me calm. Now, as adult I know that - I can try and see. Test it.
The next time I try to engage into intellectualizing to divert myself from some action, or deny something or employ energy and time into rumination - I can simply tell myself that I feel incompetent. That feeling of fear, anxiety that I could not comprehend and describe - now I have definition. I would describe it as unfairness and along with resentment I would engage in being passive aggressive or feeling bad and weak for not engaging into full Karen mode.
The next time I am faced with sudden fear, panic, doubt, worry, rumination, PureOCD, distress, depression, any strange emotion and reaction - I can simply tell myself with background knowledge that this what I am experiencing is fear of being incompetent, as a part of toxic shame, as trigger based on my wound. As adult I know I am competent enough and that now I have enough knowledge and experience to counter negative beliefs that I am zero and unworthy and totally incompetent.
The next step would be phenomena that I observed already before in the real life. It is the same one as I finally got from the movie "Knife in the Water" (1962). The realization that other person might look mean, aggressive, rude and I might interpret this as this person is hating me, just like I think all people hate me, but in reality they do not hate me. It is only a figment of my imagination. This gives me the power to interact, speak with the other person without expecting the attack, I can stop self-censor myself. In the same way, when I am faced with someone who is rude and screaming, I can observe them without interpreting it as personal attack even though every single atom from this person screams to me as I am in danger and I must behave like any time before - afraid. This gives me the power to assess if I am really in danger. It is more likely this person is irritated with something that has nothing to do with me. Although annoying, I can allow them to express themselves, and this gives me the powers I previously denied myself - because of fear. Instead of being focused on the threat, I know I am safe. Instead of falling to thinking errors trap and thinking about how embarrassed I am for being in such situation, catastrophizing and splitting, I can easily reject those faulty responses and not entertain them. I can respond if I wish with words I would not have courage nor capacity to think to say.
I can allow myself to be authentic, without wearing mask, without employing ego defense mechanisms. So without fear, I can even turn to humor and if other person threatens me, I would not feel automatic fear, inferiority complex, submission and incessant worry. I can allow myself to express my personality without hiding my words or gestures as I would previously hide those due to preventing possible criticism and finger pointing and mocking from others, that would be unbearable. I can let my personality shine instead of keeping it under rock, in darkness, so that a previously believed, I would not expose it to some sudden attack.
So when I am faced with trigger, I should look deep and realize I am not under attack. I can allow the other person to be angry, rude, unkind as long as it is in boundary. I am allowed to talk back and explain myself, I do not need to self-censor myself. It is going against the fear instructions. Fear tells me that the other person is enemy - so now I see it as a pal. The fear tells me also that I must obey this person and go along - now instead of being pushover, I can allow myself space to stand my ground, listen and directly react - naturally. Before I would hold a grudge and imagine character assassination, but now I feel grudge against the action, I notice annoyance, not full blown attack against my character. Before I would hide my errors and what I am able to do, now I bluntly speak out what I can do. That before mentality is the distorted part of me that I learned through social anxiety. The healthy interaction would be going along with the other party with patience without promising what I can't fulfill, with empathy if I provide service that went wrong. Maybe it would help if I see other people who trigger me as mental patients, and I am their caretaker. I know they are ill, and the correct procedure would be to treat them with respect within the limits of acceptable behaviour. If they payed something, if they invested something, if they require service that I provide - they have the right to be angry if something went wrong. Person that lose control and behaves uncivilized is unbalanced, so the metaphor is not so off. This may help me to remember how to react and treat such persons who trigger my toxic shame. Instead of reacting to their words, without my internal dialogue and inner critic that are producing more shame, now my mind will be free of that mental fog.
Before I would laugh in panic if someone mocks me, now I no longer need to please them and I can show how I feel truly. Before I would take their comments personally, now I know they are not and it does not matter even if they were personal. I would jump to fight or flight response, now I can observe this person, they are probably acting out, I can observe their performance, the image they wanna hold, how they try to draw attention to themselves.
Before I would think in advance what would be acceptable action from others, now I follow what I know the best, it is being me, not me in defense awaiting for instructions from others.
It is about integrating Meh! attitude as response to someone annoying and seeing the hysteric person as childish and acting out, not as a life threat.
Biggest thing fear does to you it hijacks your focus, perception on world and it is going to block off opportunities that expand who you are, your way of life. You will have blind spots and not see those opportunities.
A lot of people do not know what trigger fear is. They focus on symptoms, nothing really changes. The real fear, emotion that is fear, that will activate whenever a threat is present. There is something inside you have to let go off. And you cannot treat it as real fear. And that is mistake that people make. For example putting yourself out there socially. For the most part that is triggered fear. That has nothing to do with external. If you audit situation, where you might experience some fear, like fear of public speaking, speaking in front of a group of strangers, are you going to die from that? No. So why is it you experience fear that is comparable to fear of death. That is not normal. That is not appropriate to reality. That is triggered fear. And if you try to treat it as if it is a real fear, nothing will change. Fear of meeting with someone, showing interest in someone. Freaking out, I can't – that is not normal. That's not appropriate to reality.
So with F- focus here it is important to get to the cause. Not the symptoms, but the cause. If you tried mainstream traditional way to deal with fear and it worked in some but not all the way, and requires massive effort to maintain – you are working on the symptoms. The first step is identifying the cause. Getting to the cause. Redirecting your focus away from the symptoms to the cause. Until you do that nothing will change. We have layers and layers of resistance to becoming aware of what truly is running us but it all starts here with awareness with redirecting focus what is pulling your strings.
E – ego. Let go of it, this is how you produce change. That is just who you are. Fear will convince you it is just you. What's most personal is the most universal.
A – acceptance. Letting go side of things. Having traumatic experience. Laughed in class being traumatic. Some kind of situation to that , in that instance, survival instinct will kick in and we will surpress situation or repress all situation together. Your life is not at risk but you think it is, you think i am going to die, we disown that and we never put ourselves in situation where we express ourselves publicly and you live your life like that. You disown , you are resisting. Same survival instinct kick in when you embody it. Letting go of that resistance. Being with, re-owning it.
R- renew.entirely new experience of world, blinders are off, opportunities are everywhere if you see them.
Sometimes all it takes is just one person who believes in you. Find people who are where you are at life and model them, work with them.
YT JulienHimself
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| The Neuroscience of Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse |
Parents who are emotionally immature, on the other hand, are so self-preoccupied
that they don’t notice their children’s inner experiences.Such parents may even become
nervous and angry if their children get upset, punishing them instead of
comforting them. These reactions shut down children’s instinctive urge to
reach out, closing the door to emotional contact.
You might have
thought that feeling empty and alone was your own private, strange experience,
something that made you different from other people.
-
But as Sophie recognized later, her mother and Jerry had a lot in
common in their insensitivity to people’s feelings. Every time
Sophie tried to tell them how she felt, she ended up feeling
invalidated.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents_ How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
(20.6.2021)
A lot of innocuous advice online for social anxiety is stating that you try to be more social. (Approach strangers, start small talk). And from perspective of someone who does not have thinking errors (or at least not aware they do not have them) it is easy to assume that it is natural for people who withdraw to invest energy and time into forcing themselves to be social. But in reality, this creates more fears because now you know there is something hard out there, an obstacle that is in your way. And as Jung said, what you resist - persist. And on top of that - Analysis leads to paralysis. If we find out that our social fears are the result of trauma and conditioning that are behind persistent thinking errors, the more intelligent answer would be - that instead of trying to force yourself to be social, is actually totally the opposite. You remember yourself of Law of Jante and if fears appear, you remember the Law of Jante orders. Then you go along with your fears and conditioning, you force yourself to be social but with your fears already present, now accepted and enforced. This will be very easy for someone with social anxiety because you have all Law of Jante guidelines already inside you. You do not spend time energy and time in social situations forcing yourself to something that is not natural to you, and you no longer feel additional fear from being in the spotlight. And that gives you space, energy and backed up courage to be natural, to express yourself in a way that soothes you. You are being authentic. And there is a good reason why this is the right way - if we had our wished granted and forgone all our fears, we would easily fall into being insensitive and torment other people, without being aware what we are doing to others. It might appear as with Law of Jante we are enforcing inferiority, people pleasing and codependency, but we are only taking the positive side of fawning. Without additional fears by toxic shame when we feel we've done something socially unacceptable, now our conscious worry/fears actually enforce our unconscious fears and that gives us relief that will paradoxically give us an opportunity to react in natural way - that may include being rude to certain people who annoy us, where before we would fawn to them due to additional panic inside of trying to be strong, better and forceful, and amazing in the eyes of other people. Without additional fears, we may easily engage in confrontation when needed, stop self-censoring ourselves, yet looking over if we went over board and it is worth to argue over something. Then we resist being social and that will persist, being social.
Our trigger tells us when we encounter someone difficult we are in danger, because we get flashbacks from the past, we associate images of someone similar to them and this image frighten and frighten us. So if we can't remove ourselves from this person, and we notice the trigger - it is by statistics high chance that we are reacting out of proportion, and objectively we are not in life threatening situation, we may employ our people pleasing already present leanings and perhaps go half way, try to see a good traits of this person, try to get friendly with them. If they are not physically attacking us and if we live in an environment where mocking is acceptable social form, by accepting the annoying person we would get space to react to this person with more truth, integrity. Before we would feel resentment and grudge and plan how to get even but still being silent due to additional fears roaming in our intrusive thoughts and thinking errors, now - we will find we can find courage to tell them in their face what we think. Yet without anger or attack, because we try to see something good inside them that is worth of interaction. If we are stuck with them we will probably need them later on, this is why we shut up and why we are afraid to talk honestly with them, we are afraid to hurt their feelings. If this person is annoying and if they mock, if they express themselves openly, then they are ready to hear the truth. Irritating people are inferior, they just hide it behind bullying, but if they are happy to talk bluntly with others, that is an open invitation to be bluntly honest with them, too. If they are narcissists, they are master mind in such situations, they know how to trigger others into submission, but since we are grounded from love, seeing them as strait friend, and when we ground ourselves in Law of Jante, we do not feel the need to react to Ad Hominem and we can tell them that our personal appearance is not important, once they start to insult. Later on in life, they will at least know our standpoint and why we cut them off and we do not wish them be present in our life any more.
Fawn is our chosen method to deal with stress, we feel comfortable to keep friendships and cooperation. By going along with our fears, we would not waste time and energy on creating something out of nothing and acting and being unnatural, we would exploit the resources already present inside ourselves, yet without thinking errors such as magical thinking we would have strength to endure what was hard before, and we'll have more time to contemplate from cortex part of brain rather than being stuck in frightened part of brain. Instead of reacting, by being calmed down, our cortex brain is free to come up with ideas, new solutions and better choices than our limbic brain's reactivity. Trauma is based on brain injury caused by narcissistic abuse, so when I am over-reacting, it is hard to think rationally. It is impossible to remember the times where something that I disliked, that there were times when I grew to like it. So I could give a chance to learn something more, not to shrug it off immediately. Something that is not life threatening but I react as if I'll die. I have life experience that this is true, it happened before. Or regarding entities that I cannot cut off from my life, and if I cannot grew to like it, perhaps there is a space to tolerate it to the point of some kind of cooperation. It is about being unladen, that is the goal for healing social anxiety. That we act naturally and have no brain fog of intrusive thoughts and thinking errors. Our trauma instruct us to seek danger and always be hyper vigilant, making us to live bitter, discouraged with victim mentality. The other people who are annoying also in form of physical embodiment of trauma trigger sets us up to worry and be cautious. Law of Jante is taking those unfair, victim mentality and belief that we were short-changed resentment grudge into our advantage. We can use our parts of our fears to our advantage. Instead of mocking other person or attacking them as a way to prove, compensate feelings of inferiority, we can express that we understand the other person's irritations, yet to state our opinion, knowledge and experience besides it. Fears tell us to comply and submit and self-censor, but we can cooperate instead.
The analogy would be of a person who hates summer. That person hates the high temperatures, the sweat and mosquitoes or crickets. Yet with corrected thinking - that person might discover to take off shirt to counter feelings of uncomfortable high temperatures, then also to wear flip flops instead of sneakers with socks and regard crickets as background white noise, while insects can be repelled by putting the net on the window. We can't change the weather, but we can adapt to it to soothe us in some way. People with social anxiety do not soothe themselves to adapt to situation and people around them, they soothe their panic. The panic appears acute and primary concern and every single thought is subordinated to appease the panic. This is dysfunctional and self sabotaging, if our lives are not threatened objectively, then acting as if we will die depletes our energy and resources and we cut our thinking brain off, we deny ourselves of enjoying the life and we cut ourselves off by not coming up with ideas through creativity to sparkle up our life. For social anxiety, the panic will be primary concern because the toxic shame is running the show, hidden from awareness. For me, I know now my hidden mechanism was the belief I must be competent in order to be valued, respected and safe. Of course then I will do everything to people please and avoid confrontation, so that other person do not notice and mock me when I am incompetent. And I do this defense unconsciously, along with thinking errors. I am run by fear, and I forget to appreciate the resources available to me, because my primary focus is on the uncomfortable fear and anxiety, driven and energized by distorted thinking of toxic shame in my subconsciousness.
Fact, TWITTER
People spend too much time looking for more, instead of appreciating what they already have.
This means if I cannot relax, if I ruminate and I cannot shake of intrusive thoughts - this is indication I have something hidden inside me, programmed and hypnotized to steal my focus, attention, and it holds me away from being authentic.
Being authentic means to be objective and realistic. I have nothing to hide. The guilt and shame that I feel when triggered is programmed inside my mind. I cause no one harm, I do not exploit others and I treat people kindly. The toxic shame in my case is being programmed to think that I must be competent and this is the highest priority in everything, but it was coming from my subconsciousness and running my decisions and thinking from the depth of my fears. People who trigger me are reflections of my shame, that is why I react to them. It will make sense now when I know what was driving me to hide so that I no longer need to feel ashamed.
It is about realizing there is no absolute right or wrong. Thinking error is to split things in black and white. This gives me the power to act freely, if I do not harm anyone, I do not cause physical harm to innocent people, I am allowed to make mistakes, be a fool and make dumb questions, observations or actions.
So when faced with someone irritating, instead of defending myself and being in defense I can employ new strategies that are not based on panic: trying out the spectrum between respect and ignoring. There is not absolute right or wrong, but there is objectivity and fact available at that particular moment. If someone is ignoring or denying facts, that denial does not mean their opinions are correct.
When we say we're a victim, we're saying what someone did to me has limited my future. People don't have that kind of power over you.
God is preparing you for something bigger than you imagined. That bad break leading you to new level. These are test. Will you keep the right attitude when things are unfair?
JOEL OSTEEN
Fear of incompetence was implanted in my mind, it is product of toxic shaming. It does not belong to me. It was programmed inside me by constant criticism, especially when I would do something for the first time, or repeatedly if I made any mistake. Narcissistic parent see his criticism as justified, and is unable to see the direct damage that it produces.
In situations that cause me great distress, the center of social anxiety and avoidance is inability to state objectively my side of story, I focus on immediate danger that I feel - other person's criticism, nagging, complaining and patronizing. I am totally unable to state for example "I am doing this for the first time, I have no information available, if you know what steps I need to take tell them". "How on Earth should I know that?". "You are being rude, I will call back later and report you to your manager." Instead, due to uncomfortable physical symptoms as racing heart and disgust I fawn. Now I know this trigger is rooted in my hidden belief of being incompetent and this person exposed me and I am feeling afraid as seen as incompetent. So situations where I do something for the first time are psychologically hard for me to perform. Especially when there are other people involved, people who are uncaring, inpatient, rude, unkind, mocking or dismissive, displaying pontificating behavior and belittling. There are gray area where the other person is not acting like this, but particular words, gestures triggered me and I over-reacted and see anything as threat, while in reality they are not rude at all. In the past, especially as kid, I noticed if I did say something like "I do not know this, this is my first time" - that I would be ashamed, harshly silenced or even attacked for my words of defense. This way they programmed me to take their orders as commands and see them as superior, and myself as incompetent and inferior. Normal people do not silence others, they are not frightened by unknown or difficult situations to the point to exhibit thinking errors such as projecting and being aggressive to easy targets. Now I know that the person who is inpatient and rude, is mentally ill. I can allow myself to doubt whatever this person is saying. So if there is a choice, I can allow myself to cut contact and minimize contact with such person. I punish myself with prison, while these unsociable people should be institutionalized and locked far away from healthy society.
I would say something and I would be ashamed. That lead me to self-censor. It snowballed into fear of conflict and confrontation. It warped into inferiority complex. It butterfly-effected into avoidance of people and withdrawal. Just because of being repeatedly treated like crap by my environment as kid when I expressed objectively my truth. And if I ever run away in panic, I would easily forget this severe and deep damage that I was induced into. Inability to speak and express myself is the same as being invalid, I would protect myself by hiding, yet stopped from living.
So I can expect to be triggered in any new situation, where I do not know something and I must ask for information, service and help from someone. I do not know my options what to do if someone is unkind. When triggered I would feel like my life is in danger. And people who are mentally ill, narcissists and masochist will with open hand wait the easy target to walk in their lives so that they can ashame them in order to feel better. Would it help to bring to them awareness: "Do you feel better now that you ashamed me?"
Now I know beyond my triggers, that aggressive response is dysfunctional. And that if I react to something, it is only something inside me that I reject, that might be good for me only if I integrate it back inside myself - it would give me courage, strength that I currently lack. And with egocentrism knowledge, I know that there might be some other reason why this person acts in a way that triggers me, it has nothing to do with me personally or my worth or my supposed incompetence that they exposed by chance. If I have the magical power to destroy from existence any person who irritates me, I would punish so many innocent people into oblivion without realizing it. Likewise if some other person had this power, I would also be perished, for I was accused unfairly and interpreted as unkind and rude while I had no such intentions at all. I know I can be an example, I can set an example how to deal with difficult and stressful situations.
Emotionally immature people are highly self-referential,
meaning that
in any interaction, all roads lead back to them. However, they aren’t self-reflective.
Their focus on themselves isn’t about gaining insight or self-understanding;
it’s about being the center of attention.
As you talk to them, self-referential
people will turn whatever you say
back to one of their own experiences. They may not overtly change the subject, but
they won’t ask follow-up
questions or express curiosity about the details of
your experience. Because they lack self-reflection,
emotionally immature people don’t
consider their role in a problem. They don’t assess their behavior or question
their motives. If they caused a problem, they dismiss it by saying they
didn’t intend to hurt you. After all, you can’t blame them for something
they didn’t mean to do, right? In this way, their egocentric focus remains
on their intention, not the impact on you.
You may wonder whether these people are just being extroverted.
They aren’t. The difference is that most extroverts easily follow a change
of topic. Because extroverts crave interaction, not just an audience, they’re
interested and receptive when others participate. Extroverts do like to
talk, but not with the purpose of shutting everyone else down.
Growing up with an inconsistent parent is likely to undermine a
child’s sense of security, keeping the child on edge. Since a parent’s
response provides a child’s emotional compass for self-worth,
such children
also are likely to believe that their parent’s changing moods are
somehow their fault.
...the reactions of emotionally immature people tend to be black-and-
white, with no gray areas. This rules out ambivalence, dilemmas, and other emotionally
complicated experiences.
If your parents grew up in a family atmosphere that was full of anxiety and
judgment, they may have learned to think narrowly and resist complexity.
Excessive childhood anxiety leads not only to emotional immaturity but
also to oversimplified thinking that cannot hold opposing ideas in mind.
Repressive or punitive family environments typically don’t encourage free
thinking or self-expression and therefore aren’t conducive to fully developing
one’s mind.
As children enter their teen years, their ability to self-reflect
skyrockets because they become able to think about their own thinking
(Piaget 1963).
However, the intense emotions and anxiety that emotionally immature
people experience can decrease their ability to think at this higher
level. Since they are often at the mercy of their emotions, their higher
thinking can easily fall apart under stress.
If you listen to the conversations of emotionally immature people, you
may notice how routine and literal their thinking is. They tend to talk
about what happened or what they observed, not the world of feelings or
ideas.
Emotionally immature parents don’t try to understand the emotional
experiences of other people—including
their own children. If accused of
being insensitive to the needs or feelings of others, they become defensive,
saying something along the lines of “Well, you should have said so!” They
might add something about not being a mind reader, or they might dismiss
the situation by saying the hurt person is overly emotional or too sensitive.
However they respond, the message is the same: they can’t be expected to
make the effort to understand what’s going on inside other people.
Emotionally immature people, on the other hand, often take pride in
their lack of this skill. They rationalize their impulsive and insensitive
responses with excuses like “I’m just saying what I think” or “I can’t change
who I am.” If you confront them with the fact that not saying everything
you think is a sign of good sense or that people can’t mature without
changing who they are, they will probably respond with anger or by dismissing
you as ridiculous.
Their Self-Esteem
Rides on
Your Compliance
People who are emotionally immature only feel good about themselves
when they can get other people to give them what they want and to act
like they think they should.
Many children of such parents learn to subjugate themselves to other
people’s wishes (Young and Klosko 1993). Because they grew up anticipating
their parent’s stormy emotional weather, they can be overly attentive
to other people’s feelings and moods, often to their own detriment.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents_ How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
People with social anxiety prune themselves too short. They expect the worst and thus preemptively make choices to hinder possible worst case scenario - which means doing nothing. With social anxiety you do not try anything, you know everything will be wrong, hurtful and painful in advance. On the other side, rude people do the opposite, they engage towards what they want, and if someone reacts, they withdraw and may engage in some responses as any socially anxious person would. This means, negative, pushy, annoying and obnoxious people would run the world, be at managerial positions or randomly bully others around them, easy targets. Especially in toxic environments where negative selection and quick profit (by playing unfair and dirty due to non existent or minimal punishment) is accepted as norm. This tells us to take action and to speak up. We can make the difference.
Some might be harder than others.
Being Willing to Ask for Help
I’ll remind myself that if I need something, most people will be
glad to help if they can.
Being Myself, Whether People Accept Me or Not
When I state my thoughts clearly and politely, without malice, I
won’t try to control how people take it.
Instead of trying to please, I’ll give other people a true indication
of how I feel.
If someone says something I find offensive, I’ll offer an alternative
viewpoint. I won’t try to change the other person’s mind; I just
won’t let the statement go unremarked upon.
Sustaining and Appreciating
Emotional Connections
I’ll make a point of keeping in touch with special people I care
about and returning their calls or electronic messages.
Having Reasonable Expectations for Myself
I’ll keep in mind that being perfect isn’t always necessary. I’ll get
stuff done rather than obsess over getting things done perfectly.
When I make a mistake, I’ll chalk it up to being human. Even if I
think I’ve anticipated everything, there will be outcomes I don’t
expect.
I’ll remember that everyone is responsible for their own feelings
and for expressing their needs clearly. Beyond common courtesy,
it isn’t up to me to guess what others want.
Communicating Clearly and Actively
Seeking the Outcomes I Want
When my feelings are hurt, I’ll try to understand my reaction first.
Did something trigger feelings from my past, or did the person
really treat me insensitively? If someone was insensitive, I’ll ask
him or her to hear me out.
I’ll be thoughtful to other people, and if they aren’t thoughtful in
return, I’ll ask them to be more considerate and then let it go.
I’ll ask for something as many times as it takes to get a clear
answer.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents_ How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
William James (1884) put forward the controversial
argument that emotional experiences arise from direct perceptions of bodily change; we
do not run because we are frightened, we are frightened because we run. The idea that
an emotional experience does not start with a conscious experience but our experience
of bodily changes was shared by Carl Lange (1885). Both James and Lange believed
that bodily and behavioural responses precede the conscious experience of emotion,
resulting in what it today known as the James–Lange theory of emotion.
Porges (2007b, 2009a) uses the term neuroception to describe how individuals
evaluate the level of threat in their surrounding environment.
Consequently an individual may exhibit defensive
behaviours without conscious awareness of the perceived threat.
"The Social Consequences of Defensive Physiological States"
Social engagement provides experiences of mutuality and reciprocity in which we are open to receiving another person, as they are. For the client who was rejected in childhood, this moment of being received can be profoundly reparative.
Polyvagal Theory in Psychotherapy: Practical Applications for PTSD Treatment| Dr. Arielle Schwartz.
My over-reaction is when I feel unfair criticism. I feel assaulted by other people's comment. For outsiders, that looks ridiculous, even funny because it is so unimportant, yet for me, I am emotionally invested. I want to be right, I feel the need to be right and this is fueling my anger and sense of justice. Now I know that for me, any strange emotion is connected to duty to be competent and as incompetent it is something very shameful that I must hide and not tolerate. Therefore, I would project this intolerance when I feel exposed. This is over-reaction. It blocks me from being out there among people. Reaching out for goals and interact with the world. For me, it appears as if I am in life threatening situation since my body is in state of shock. That is trauma trapped in my body. It unables me to calmly state my opinion and my defense. In state of feeling danger, it seems to me if I defend myself, when I stop self-censoring myself, when I am faced with someone unkind, I feel wounded, hurt and I feel pain, but I do not know how to stop it. I feel exploited, used and ridiculed, ashamed and it feels unfair. What would happen to if I calmly state my opinion and walk away? I would not be able to state it calmly because it hurts to much. I would not be able to follow advice about being assertive - my heartbeat would beat too much and my mouth, voice and throat would cringe and be unable to activate normally. If I somehow focus on being aggressive instead of frightened, I would started to talk back - I would imagine bullies telling me I am sissy and I have no back bone, so I feel like I must over-compensate and attack the aggressor. I see other annoying and pushy person, especially the local ones, as insensitive jerks without empathy and moral code, ethics or sensitivity, arrogant and parasitic, so I think if I do say something it must be destructible and forceful. And if I do not say something, that it would mean they win. I also see them as with lower intelligence and that it is my duty to educate them, fix them as if they are able to learn, as if I am special in some magical way to influence and change them. I also remember Flatlands novel where 2D creatures react in panic when faced with 3D creatures. So it hurts when someone criticizes or states something unfair, and from wrong point of view - that I should not react to it, and I know that if I learn their language I can communicate with them and make them understand. I know also Socrates quotes that say that I do not force my opinion onto anyone, I can simply ask questions as if I do not know anything in order to get to truth. I somehow equate a good conversation with situations that trigger me, people who trigger me. When someone triggers me, I feel physical and emotional reaction. Without trauma information, I would fawn and believe I am inferior. So I learned that I need to speak up and not self - censor myself. But this leads me into fight response.
But - I am still triggered. Although it feels good to finally speak my mind, it did not solve the trigger issue. I simply moved from freeze response, dorsal vagus (shutdown/collapse/freeze) into sympathetic (fight) response. The trigger is still there. Of course I can state my opinion, but the need to be right is error. Let go of resentment means letting go of being right. I do not need to repeat myself. I do not need to stay. I do not need to educate others. I do not need to fix others. I know very well that if I desire to change other people, that it is a cognitive distortion.
So when I am triggered, when I have stated my side of story, the uncomfortable irritation that I feel is hidden wound of being afraid to be incapable, incompetent that drives my need to be right - and I can therefore let go of being right.
But so often, trying so hard to be right, is totally wrong in a relationship.
When being RIGHT, can be so wrong!
(21.6.2021)
The Polyvagal theory tells us that we fluctuate/wobble between Simpathetic and Dorsal Vagal state. When we feel good we are at Ventral Vagal state. Toxic positivity and forced happines wants us to warp from Fight, flight, freeze, fawn state into Social engagement. But that makes things worse because our panic, fears and uncomfortable feelings are not validated. Yet, it we stay in those states, it will make us prisoners and it will make damage to our psyche and body, we will have no chance to heal, and we'll be prone to thinking errors and cognitive distortions. Mostly our thinking errors keep us in those states, but we might also be programmed to thinking errors by our environment or narcissistic abuse, so it is not our fault being aroused and triggered, and consequently not calmed down in any situation other then being avoidant and away from people. Official psychiatry will give us advice to face pain, because it is logical step. They will tell us to face our fears and go outside comfort zone - because one day our circumstances may change. We may lose current benefits and we will be forced to live in even worse conditions than today, with more panic and anxiety. In fact, by staying in Sympathetic and Dorsal Vagal state, we are self fulfilling prophecy and we self sabotage ourselves to stay in loop of panic, anxiety and fears. The analogy would be driving a car- if we are normal, healthy person we would feel panic and unease driving a car for the first time. We would think of possible worse case scenario and we would feel afraid to potentially harm someone while driving. Yet - if we do it over and over again, with time, our fears diminish. The same thing as having a new job - at first it looks difficult and hard and possibly that we will never overcome it. Yet as months go by - we do. And I can confirm this, since I trust myself to be the most incompetent, inept person in the world - still with avoidance and anxiety, I was in a couple of situations where I was forced to change the type of jobs. I would feel each time life threatening symptoms, I would each time believe I could not handle it and I would be failure - yet each time I did overcome it and I excel at my job, and I even was used (probably exploited) do parts of job that no one has done it before, because I was afraid to say no, and mostly I did not had any block in work itself, I was only afraid of criticism and unkind people (who would expose me being inept, my biggest panic trigger). At the time I did not I was afraid of being exposed, I saw other people who were angry and loud as superior and took their words as my ultimate truth and guideline, which was painful and disrespectful self sabotage.
So the quick fix for panic, social anxiety, avoidance and procrastination, cowardliness and inferiority would be: do it as long as you are not criticized. Risk it. The most of the time other people are not evil, they are schlemiels.
Perhaps, at the time I have no tools to ward off sarcasm, mocking, teasing, nagging, criticizing and attacking - but I can risk going out there, do my thing, act as if there is no danger and see what will happen. Without tools to self defense, my ego will invent ego defense mechanism, mostly learned from dysfunctional childhood, and exposure will be painful and mostly non productive, because of my thinking errors, yet it is better than being isolated. With every mistake we learn. With every reaction we learn. With every unkind reaction, we learn, it adds up to our book of experience, no matter how small it looks to us. With time we will learn that working hard is a good quality that helps us go by, to enjoy life a little bit. With time we will learn that learning how to improve conditions will help us to get by. With time we will learn when we are exposed and venture outside comfortable zone that when we are calmed down, we get ideas and we are creative. We have ability to solve problems, mistakes more easily. Which leads me to my point - our environment. If we live in a corrupt, poor country like Croatia, roads are narrow (5 meters) - while in America they are 10 meters, even in poor Mexico. So driving is much more stressful experience, when you navigate, adding additional pressure to already present inside my body. Such environment is stressful too. Corrupt countries like Croatia or Hungary or Serbia products unhealthy, sick leaders in politics who support system of negative selection and nepotism - meaning we are left with poverty, corruption and not much choice of jobs. The paycheck is small, so with small paycheck (that you worked for very hard) you are unable to afford good living standards. So the country itself is making us to be in aroused mind states. And corruption likes people to be in aroused states - it is easier to hypnotize and control masses when you are dehumanized and lacking in choices and when your mind is lacking with ideas and creativity - since your goals are focused on how to survive and solve puzzles thrown to us by the corrupt system. Such corrupt countries are grand representations of dysfunctional families. And depending on your role, you produce dysfunction - either by harming others or harming yourself. You are instructed by your environment to produce dysfunction. The easiest way is toxic shaming - the quickest way to control other people. Name-calling, mocking, finger pointing, criticizing your mistakes, even if you do something for the first time, being vulgar and embarrassing, dehumanizing. If we choose not to fight in dysfunction - if we choose to withdraw from madness, we still are not safe - because we repeat abuse inside ourselves, treating our inner self like crap, attacking it and belittling it, projecting as psychopaths around us do it to everyone else. You might adopt fight response and go into endless arguments, fights, yelling, kicking and screaming but violence breeds more aggression - and if we are good people we unlike psychopaths, will not feel good in being bad, we will feel guilty and narcissists only await to find out what is your trigger for guilt to destroy you mentally. I think the answer is clear - to relocate away from toxicity, if nothing works and if we keep getting mistreated, no matter what technique we employ. In toxic place, things will not get better with time, it will only get distorted.
In our panic state we are walking around as if in a dream, but we are aware that we are dreaming. Like in movie Inception (2010), other people if they sniff out our insecurity - in this case our realization that we are dreaming - they become aggressive and they go after us. Perhaps, we can look our anxieties from this perspective - as in movie Total Recall (1990) - that our life is a memory implanted by some corny company. And we have chosen to participate in the experience, however a part of us awakens in the middle of the experience and we are aware that there is something wrong with our reality. Something similar said Søren Kierkegaard:
Anxiety that we feel is being aware of danger, but in order to get rid of anxiety, according to the Polyvagal theory - or any spiritual leader - we have to be in calm state to operate normally and in accordance to our role. This is hard to accept for us from this perspective because we know something is wrong, the world is wrong, but the official psychiatry and philosophy and science tells us we must accept this wrongness in order to feel healthy and good (without anxiety). Of course when we first drive a car we won't feel relaxed for some time - but eventually we will calm down. If we choose to hide away, we are not enabling us to calm down in threatening, triggering situations. Even though we have distorted thinking, the exposure won't produce total anxiety-free life, it will give us some small help to at least be active participants in our life. Kierkegaard's quote also tells us that we are indeed probably in life as some kind of simulation and test - where life is freedom, we are the ones who are self sabotaging us. We are afraid to be homeless so we do not risk bold actions. We saw others fail, so we are afraid we will fail - even though we don't know other people circumstances and their devils on the shoulder that might be totally unrelatable to us. Social anxiety makes us turn down chances even before we start. We prune ourselves too short. We are afraid to take risks. We are cowards. We think ourselves as incompetent and then act like that, even though we are not. So, if we go along with simulation theory, dream theory and Kierkegaard's quote - it means when we are afraid, it is like being in a dream, being aware it is a dream. So maybe we can play with it - look around. It is a dream. See its details. Explore it. Maybe we will discover Mandela Effect or at least other philosophers who discovered that our reality is different from the outside world. That is worth to explore. If we are avatars, coming from foreign distant place - I say, let's play the game.
Being avatar would explain why some difficult people and situations come and stick around us, yet go away when we learned our lesson.
Our anxiety comes up because we are aware to take/perceive our life much more seriously/deeply than people who do not use their brain. Perhaps bullies, psychopaths sniff our ability and they test us by exploiting our inhibitions. They pick up on their radar that we are interesting from certain perspective but they are unable to process it, and as any primitive creature, they attack whatever they cannot comprehend. And think about it - if you are shy, quiet - they interpret this as danger, since they employ such behaviour then they manipulate their easy targets, it is probably the highest intellectual level they can achieve and that mortifies them, as it appears like God-like ability, to be used in tyranny - just as they use it. They notice that if they yell, scream, that it has an effect on strange creatures like us to subordinate us - so they bully, almost genetically programmed in the core of their pathetic existence. I use this words deliberately in order to make us feel good about ourselves after the years of taking their abuse as our orders, and to see objectively what is going on.
An avatar is probably best described as the incarnation of a deity, but the term also conveys the wider notion that the gods have the ability to take any form and will descend to Earth to counteract a particular evil in the world.
Avatar
c. 1500 BCE, India
1001 IDEAS; Robert Ar
People with social anxiety, who started to avoid other people early in their life will relate with this fears and how we respond to them. We literally act like being trapped in a dream and we can't awake, and reality is too hard to handle, too confusing and too scary. And we cannot run away, we can only hide until our tasks lead us back to the real, outside world. If we see our fears from this perspective, it becomes more clearer what should we do - we should risk more, be out there more, be active more - and our triggers, fears and thinking errors are making this exposure difficult. To see ourselves from the perspective of avatar, from the perspective of dreamer who is awaken, from the perspective of character inside simulation, from the perspective of being star seed, an alien embodied in Earth experience - we can easily align our viewpoint to what is important. When we are triggered, when we feel fears, we limits ourselves in order to preemptively protect ourselves from the pain. And this is what we invest our time, energy and resources - into protection. The best full protection is avoidance and hiding away from the world, people and life. It makes sense, brain likes it and our emotions and feelings are happy and satisfied when we are safe. Yet what happens when we are forced to go out there in the world? When we no longer cannot hide due to our tasks that needs to be done. Then we are thrown into fears and anxieties. Then our desire to be safe, coupled with wasted time spent in isolation work against us.
So that perspective tells us to be more active and to procrastinate less. It tells us to risk more. And if we get scared, that instead of falling in rumination trap, worry and intrusive thoughts, we get back to Social Engagement state, as instructed by any mental health advice, not only through the Polyvagal theory. That would be hard with thinking errors installed in us by toxic environment. Because if we see ourselves as actors, players, dreamers in a dream, avatars or rat in a simulation laboratory, it means as soon as we start to be afraid, as we feel fears and anxiety, that we remember that in that moment, we are not tuned in our script. Also, it means that we are susceptible to other people scripts, in order to find solid ground. When we detach from reality, we float in space, freely, that is the freedom that scares us. It is great to be free, almost in an anarchist way.
But still, we are here and we have to obey the laws of our environment where we live. It means Social Engagement. Interaction with people who disgust us. Making friendships and relationships with unknown people that scare us so much. When we are feeling anxiety and when we are afraid, if we put social engagement as our priority, instead of narcissism, we will fawn as response to our fears. We are instructed by society to be sociable from our early age. It is the only correct and healthy way to deal with life and people. When we are afraid, we broke chains of connection with reality, and we are in floating state - where as soon as we gather and realize it is our duty to invent God and our environment, the sooner we will have firm ground where we can realize our role. If we keep floating in fears, we will not be able to manage our lives. We will withdraw, isolate and mechanically fulfill our duties and tasks. We won't engage in social events because people scare us so much. We won't initiate any event, we won't make parties, we won't initiate first steps, we won't initiate and cultivate relationships. Because we are afraid. We are afraid to take risks in order to keep safe. So it is similar to movie Total Recall (1990) in such respect, as if the experience we are thrown into, instead of living it - we are focused on unimportant things. Our PureOCD (intrusive thoughts) are being focused on unimportant things so much it runs our lives. Instead of walking, noticing and talking, we are zoomed in too closely to everything, or zoomed out of everything, so we either see unimportant details, or we do not see wood for tree, and thus we are unable to navigate through life. To make things more complex, there are toxic, wounded and dangerous people out there that prey upon easy targets, easy people to manipulate into submission so that they could parasite other people emotions, energy, time and resources. So we need to choose to play, we need to accept our acting role. We need to learn how to combat our fears. We need to learn how to deal with difficult people, how to recognize them and minimize contact with them, especially when they keep on exploiting and hurting us, even though we warned them not to do it. If we don't, we will allow our fears to run our lives, to govern our decisions, to keep us in prison, away from good people who deserve our time and energy to share with them. If we are afraid to live, we will cause suffering to many people who would prosper under our care, opinions, advice, presence, service and attention. We need to accept our avatar character and join playing the life game.
This is where toxic people issue comes in. Toxic environment. They give us false messages. They program our fears and anxieties - to keep us off playing the game of life, so that they could prosper by cheating - by tyranny. They instruct us from small age that we must be super confident, otherwise we are crap. That is super lie. Confidence is paradox: we are confident when we are not bothered by being confident. They will force us to believe that we must be super perfect, without mistakes otherwise we are pathetic losers. All lies. Mentally ill people will toxically ashame us that we don't have backbone, that we are weak, that we are cowards, that we are wrong by default, just because we are silent and we do not engage in meaningless arguments, shouting and cursing. They do not care about harmony and interdependence, they desire chaos and people to lose their heads in fights. They will put on pedestal and focus and spotlight the values that are not really important: grand villa, super expensive vehicle, being rich, popular and living in posh, unrealistic lifestyle. And if we don't, then it means we are worthless, that our worth should be externally in money and other people's impressions and comments. That is also a lie because self worth is only possible when we do not have external referencing. The true values lie in Social Engagement of Polyvagal theory.
If we feel on edge, if we employ ego defense mechanism, this is a signal something is wrong. We are awakened from our mission and something is brought to our attention that we are not safe. So the problem occurs either because our own internal system (as the result of Complex Trauma) is producing imaginary anxiety and imaginary fears, or we magically and wrongfully interpret innocuous and safe interaction with strangers as life threatening - or we are indeed under attack by toxic people who compromise our cover. Whatever the reason - real or imagined, it wants us to hide away from life. It wants us to keep away from people and socializing. It wants us to keep our love away from everyone. That entity would be evil. Evil would like us to focus on thinking errors, on fixing the things that are ok, to be focused on goals to impress other people to waste our resources, money, time and energy on building castles in the sky, on being focused on negative and toxic people - instead of people who deserve our love and attention. Fears therefore are not only when we are physically under attack - it is the state when we are frozen and isolated. It is when we fawn and when we shut up - when we do not share our opinion, when we are toxically ashamed so that we shut up and thus easily being manipulated.
To make things more complex, some toxic people are not toxic in their core, they just learned toxic methods to get by in life. They are clutzes, really. Actually they have their message but it comes out wrong. Usually through controlling. They want us to be happy, but they don't see themselves as being selfish most of the time, and they are unable to see detrimental things they do to people around them. And they would snap out if they were told what they are doing, which means confrontation, argument and conversation with them to break their spell and hypnosis. If we cut immediately toxic people off from our lives, without this conversation, we would prune off other people too short, the same way when we run away at the first sign of danger, not engaging in social event, not being active, not taking risks and not taking initiatives.
It seems that fears, anxiety is like bacteria. It has a body, but it also has tentacles.
The body would be panic we feel - the object of what we are afraid of, for example being criticized and attacked, humiliated and embarrassed, being exposed as incompetent. The tentacles would be thinking errors such as personalization, catastrophizing and believing life and people must be divided into absolute black and white categories. This means, we have to understand how fear moves around and if we are attacked by the body - full blown loud and obnoxious person, there are also tentacles that are also causing the attack, like octopus.
Because when we are afraid, we might be aware only of either tentacles or the body. And if we focus on only one part, we might still be suffering. For social anxiety, the biggest fear is being in the spotlight with people judging us and having negative opinion about us and expressing their discomfort about us. To us, this appears as one giant fear, undefined and too difficult to handle. But if we look at it as the body and tentacle - it makes it easier to handle. The body would be external person, rude person. And tentacles would be our thoughts. If we ignore the person, our thoughts will do additional damage if left unchecked. Or if we deal our thoughts through PureOCD advice, and not confronting the person - we will still feel fear, because the person will keep coming back. This explains why we feel guilty if we confront someone. We might gather guts and get into argument with someone, expressing our side of story, we do it by the book, we are not rude and we do it in civilized manner, yet we feel incredible shame and we seek in return for external validation to know we are ok. This analogy also help us what to expect when we meet toxic people who trigger us. They won't be the only problem. The tentacles of toxic shame go along with them, too.
This is where Complex Trauma comes in. For example, dealing with obnoxious person - the one that curses or talk loudly and mocks us or accuse us. For many people this will be tolerated and come unnoticed, as being accepted as norm, unfortunately. But to someone who endured narcissistic abuse, such behavior wrecks havoc and cause internal chaos, thinking perhaps the best solution to deal with it is to withdraw, isolate and run away. We could try be honest and authentic and warn the other person. In reality, depending on the level of intelligence, and it is probably low, such person will react like bully to our honest opinion - when we warn them they are being rude. From psychological point of view - if we are bothered by irritating people (who do not cross accepted level of behaviour) - we are trying to change other person, which is cognitive distortion. So we are left to explore our ego defense mechanism, our thinking errors to see what beliefs we held to be true that is causing us distress and uncomfortable feelings. Our fears would make us focus on that person and soon enough our heart will race and we will tremble when we are in contact with such person - our stress responses will be activated. And now we know when our stress is activated, we need to get to Social Engagement state. I guess for me, that would be being kind, open. To talk honestly. Being authentic. Refuse to be right all the time. Accept my errors and incompetence in things I rarely do, or do them for the first time. I could use humor. I could repeat and educate the other person I do not know something, that I am doing this for the first time. With social engagement in my mind as goal, I could easily come up with creative solutions how to deal with difficult person. When I know my usual response is fawn - I know that I should not pretend any more to be happy is someone is making me miserable. I know that I am allowed to defend myself.
(22.6.2021)
The official advice tells us that our fears will diminish once we are in social settings. That exposure method is working for driving phobia, difficult physical symptoms do indeed subdue with as often as we expose ourselves to our fears. But social anxiety will be more resilient. It is because the problem are not other people, it is trauma from our childhood, a set of wrong learned responses to social situations that we copy-paste in adulthood, and that creates us distress. We get triggered, we get into hyper-arousal or under-arousal. And we do not know how to deal with difficult people and difficult situations. We may learn step by step methods how to deal with someone difficult, but our fears and anxiety will still remain due to our thinking errors - and basically because we don't know what bothers us exactly. The more we define it, the more we will feel calmer. That is why exposure does not work - when we expose ourselves, we still hide, even when we are among people. We still employ methods to hide, to not engage because of the panic and uncomfortable feelings and intrusive thoughts, toxic shame that govern our actions and reactions. So the more we deal with the real problem - trauma - the more we will diminish our social anxiety and avoidance. Social anxiety advice would be that we must be more assertive, but we can't be if we fawn automatically. We can't speak to people, so how could we be assertive? If we talk to strangers and force ourselves to engage in small talk, we will only drawn in narcissists and toxic people who see in us easy target to exploit. When we need to be among people, we also take the easy, logical mentality - to focus on symptoms - but that is the wrong way. It is misleading. It makes us to zoom even closer to people and that makes us more anxious. We are already zoomed in to people too closely. The more intelligent way to deal with social anxiety would be to try new strategies from trauma perspective. If something does not work, there is no point in repeating the same methods again. If I can't change something, then there is only a choice of accepting the faith and circumstances, instead of fighting it or hiding away. Trauma tells us that our thoughts are incorrect. Our mind tells us that our thoughts are correct and that we must believe everything that we think. Also, that our emotions are facts, too. Social anxiety makes us to go through flashbacks and evaluate what was wrong in previous social settings. That is symptom of trauma - the flashbacks. Our incorrect thinking makes us believe that the people must be divided into absolute right and absolute wrong, which is very painful perception and so limiting and self-sabotaging. We cut people too soon, we even don't give them a chance. Social anxiety makes us look for threats and so bullies, difficult and annoying people come to our attention very easily, they trigger us. I guess this is the same mechanism how narcissists sniff out codependents, easy targets. We start to over-react or under-react to unfairness, when we are accused of something wrong. In fawn response, we are convinced that if we engage in fight response, that we would solve our problems. But we confuse assertiveness with aggression. If we download step by step instructions how to deal with difficult people, we will appear robotic, and non authentic, and thus easily ashamed. Toxic people use toxic shame to manipulate us. It is like they make handle on our aura and then they spin us around or move us around as they wish, through ashaming us - they just keep on picking to see where we will react to them. So instead of step by step instructions, the better solution to social anxiety is having the right attitude without toxic shame. Without toxic shame in us, we won't be triggered and other people will not hurt us. Toxic shame would be thinking errors, our beliefs that we are incompetent and this must be covered and not exposed. So - expose it. Be incompetent and don't care about it. If you did your best, you can't go beyond that. Social anxiety would diminish when we no longer feel toxic shame and so we find power to voice out our opinion, without self censorship. Someone might nag, criticize us, be vulgar - but we repeat or ignore them. Any situation is different, that is why step by step instructions cannot work in real life situations. When we walk away from toxicity, we might feel toxic shame and believe our thoughts to be facts - for example to feel guilty to choosing to change our background and our location. That is why zooming out is important, when we see the bigger picture, instead of constantly being zoomed at too close, onto our objects, situations and people that we fear. When we are zoomed in, when we get triggered, it seems like life threatening situation to us, we react as if there is catastrophe going on. We react out of proportion and not in accordance to objective reality and objective facts. Social anxiety would diminish when we make an effort to take time to objectively assess the situation that is bothering us. Also, social anxiety makes us to under-react, because we think we must be calm always and we must be peaceful always. Some situations demand non-calm action, aggressiveness.
Problem is that social anxiety makes us unnatural in social settings. We get triggered easily, other people offend us easily, we are bothered easily, we judge right and wrong and we feel injustice easily. If someone is rude, especially if they are unfair and aggressive and accusatory, we get bothered by it, and avoiding seems as the best solution. And in reality, most situations are boring, so we feel we would find better entertainment isolated and away from people. And what happens when good people withdraw and there are no intelligent people out there - the bad ones are running the show. This tells us we need connections, we need friends. We can't do it alone.
People who trigger us, whom we consider toxic - are actually the direct opposite of what we are and our actions. We noticed them easily since they trigger fears in us, and they sniff out our insecurities and they happily expose our deficiencies and mock us because of them. We zoom into people to close, they zoom into our areas of embarrassment and pick on our wounds. If we did not have those deficiencies, they would not bother us. Usually deficiencies we have are our side of our control, or we think they are outside of our control and we either can't do anything about them, or we do not try at all to work on them. So in a way, they could help us to improve, they pinpoint areas we need to build. They only pinpoint it, they are not the teachers. Their methods are dysfunctional. They see in us something they do not have to heal their dysfunction. So it is a mirror situation with people who trigger us. For example, a bully might yell and threaten us with physical violence. We shut up and we are calm. We ought to employ some rude actions to ward of bullies, that we are afraid to employ, so we smile or appear as we are not bothered - which only gives them green light to continue the abuse. They are annoyed by our calmness, because this inability to be peaceful prevents them from having deep, meaningful relationships, since normal people usually avoid them and they are stuck with trash.
Whatever the response, for me personally, it comes down to being a coward. I never stood up for myself when bullied, I responded with isolation and I did not how to respond. It was humiliating. And then social anxiety and avoidance for me comes down to being coward. Beneath the layer of incompetence is lack of courage. They way I respond to triggers now, the way I act around unknown people, and the way I react to rude people are exactly how I reacted to being bullied as kid. I might say something, but I was always afraid what would someone think of me. Trauma is being trapped in this situation all the time. Everyone and everything seems as a threat. Things that I adjust to appease imaginary violent others and possible attack correspond to social anxiety. When I realize I am weak and afraid, a coward, I can see how I employ ego defense mechanism to cover this shame up. And how others cover it to my over-compensating or being rude to others, especially to easy targets. When I look my life from cowardice prism, everything makes sense. How I acted in childhood and what I try to hide today through toxic shame and why certain people bother me so much - they just expose me as being weak coward, and I feel triggered. Being coward then makes me overcompensate in areas where it is easy, which is pathetic. So I can't blame people if I can't take responsibility myself. It is easy for me then to label toxic people from afar, while in reality they are clueless and they try to deal with their toxic shame in dysfunctional ways. But I do not need to fawn to them, to people please anyone any more. If I do not hide being coward, if I make it conscious, I can give up trying, overcompensating and pretending not to be afraid. Without exposure of me being coward and incompetent, I would spend enormous amount of money, time, energy and resources in hiding it and trying to figure out what is wrong and choose painful psychological reactions - withholding the truth, my voice, pretending everything is positive and happy, and overcompensating trying to impress people I do not even know. I would depend on other people's reactions, happiness, approval, and I would do anything not to illicit any kind of negative reaction from them. The hidden fear of being coward would turn me into a coward and I would be convinced it is something else - that toxic people are the problem, since they would trigger my wounds, secrets and my toxic shame. If I didn't like something, I would pretend everything is fine. If someone would hurt me, I would do anything no to make other person uncomfortable, withholding the truth what they have done to me.
Thinking errors make cowardice complex. Because if I was ashamed by mentally ill person in my childhood, by narcissists and bullies in my environment, I may feel uncomfortable to be outgoing, do tasks I need to do in fear of their incessant, unfair and lunatic criticism, nagging, complaining and bringing attention to myself. I would choose isolation and stagnation as a way to protect myself against toxic shaming. Since I learned this response as a child, now as adult it is hard to be conscious about it and remind myself that I should not seek external referencing any more. In this way and in this case, courage would be not seeking external referencing. Cowardice is usually defined as selfishness and betrayal of others. Also, being unable to face the truth, which would mean someone aggressive might be coward, even though he might act courageous by displaying forcefulness. Overcompensation of inferiority is still inferiority. In my case, social anxiety is having psychological cowardice, not being the actual coward. It is avoiding uncomfortable situations and we block living, we deny ourselves resources, we are unable to take care of ourselves because we are scared of potentially rude and difficult people - whom we think that we can't deal with. From this outlook of social anxiety, healing would be in direction of taking actions by going after our tasks, goals and needs, depending on our personality and circumstances, and to take care of thinking errors such as external referencing or cognitive fusion. It is as if when we encounter difficult person, with social anxiety plaguing our mentality, we see this person distorted. The correct way would be to see this person as imbecile, jerk, idiot - all the rude words that you would describe someone who is obnoxious. But we do not see them like that due to social anxiety. We might feel anger towards them, but we see them as superior. With social anxiety, we do not see ourselves on par with other people, especially those who are uncomfortable, loud and aggressive. This is painful to experience, because we believe to be around such individuals is a matter of life and death, and we see them crucial for our survival. As if we would die if we do not fawn, people please to them. We do not see the alternative. Due to high arousal, we are not aware we could state facts to them, not engage in conversation with them. We don't see possibility what we do not need to smile to them and pretend there is no elephant in the room. We don't see that we do not need to wait for their approval, for any sign of them loving us. That we can and that we are allowed to cut conversation and turn our back on them, especially if they are rude. And even if we somehow move from fawn response to fight response - we would still await for their attention, any sign of acceptance and actually anything to show that they are not mad at us - either through fawning or fighting with them to show that they care. We are obsessed with them to show love and care in order to feel safe. We do anything we can to procure from people who trigger us that they accept us. We do not see that this is unrealistic to expect from a person who is mentally ill, dangerous or mentally unstable. This is hidden need for approval that makes us to fawn, we equate as being a coward, or to think we are a coward. But it is response to trauma, from our childhood, we learned as kids to react like this when we were in a dysfunctional environment with mentally ill person. In reality this difficult person is someone who also seeks external approval and deals with people without love. Someone who is basing their actions on their own thinking errors and hidden toxic shame.
And Confucius was right - to see the right and not to do it cowardice. When I have trauma and thinking errors, I cannot see right. And someone (or even by myself) accusing me of being a coward is unfair and toxic shaming. If I avoid, if I refrain from activities, it is not because I am coward, it is because from my perspective it is the only option I got. Facing the fears is then actually very courageous and not cowardice at all.
Instead of tending my toxic shame, instead of wasting time on ego defense mechanism, instead of trying to manically cover up my feelings of inadequacy and cowardice - now I will have time, more time to spend on things that are important and related to better quality of life. Without triggered panic, when someone expose me as inept and coward, I can be calm. I know that this person has some mental issues and it is not related to me. I can see them more objectively - that they did not underwent detailed analysis, yet they judge a book by its cover, therefore their words can be easily dismissed, and not taken as the ultimate truth and command. When I am calm I can more easily do a task at hand and think of new, creative ways to solve issues, and to come up with new ideas. I no longer need to wallop in pity and unresolved self hate, yet to engage in more happier direction. I can also see toxic people as someone who need compassion. If they are too much irritating and obnoxious, at least I do not need to be cruel with them. All I need to remember is to give me time and energy to people who are good, instead of fawning to undeserving, rude people. With thinking errors, I did not know that. I was not instructed in such manner. I was instructed to serve and to be happy no matter what treatment, that I should not show how I feel if someone hurts me, that all people are the same and if someone is loud and obnoxious, that they are more than same and that they are my priority. They are not. That is trauma programming. Outsider would not know I have this faulty beliefs in me - outsider would quickly label me as incompetent coward. And I would believe them, since I was not able to define or process my own emotions. Instead I would also quickly solve the confusion by external referencing - since I am inept, others are competent and I should listen to them, obey them and believe any word they say and take it as my personal command. And I do not feel resentment, since I know the resentment is mind virus that gives energy to trauma and thinking errors. I just want to know what is going on, to define it and to light the darkness in my mind. There is no need for revenge or pouting or holding on to grudge. If difficult people knew better, they would do better.
Because without trauma programming, I see that I have better alternative than to being constantly alert, hyperalert, ruminating and worrying, catastrophizing and looking out for any sign of toxicity. I know that better alternative is focusing on Social Engagement, action, beauty, peace and calmness.
I am not coward, I am timid. I have been put in perspective through trauma to see world as scary place to live. And then I receive double binding messages, from other wounded and unbalanced people and from the healthy ones, unable to discern them and reject the bad ones. The bad ones manipulate me through toxic shaming and putting labels on me which I believe as my command and orders and superior competent overlords.
(23.6.2021)
Social anxiety comes down to not being able to respond to sudden, unprovoked attack, criticism. By definition, social anxiety is: "It is an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others."
Also, social anxiety is developing a set of unhealthy thinking errors that make us over-aroused and hyper-alert. Due to trauma from childhood we never developed that correct mindset and correct boundary settings. So social anxiety comes down to being unable to deal with outer people and our inner world in the same time. To us, it appears as one fear. So we do not where to start and how to help ourselves. The advice from official sources ignore trauma, the root cause of social anxiety, and advice from strangers are misleading because they ignore our thinking errors, since their advice is solely focused on other people.
When we have social anxiety, when we are triggered, we are transported to different reality, but we are not aware of it. We think everything is normal and our reaction is abnormal and we are ashamed because of it. We do not realize that our cortex brain is no longer working and that we operate from amygdala and limbic brain. So intrusive thoughts, thinking errors and ego defense mechanism has free reign but to us it feels like normal thinking. We think we have authority to our brain, but scared child inside is running our actions, thoughts and deeds.
When feeling scared, when I am triggered, I see negative, I am searching for faults. I do it to protect myself so I know what is dangerous, but I prune it too short. And I become negative. And toxic shame makes it distorted, with prejudgements. When I look for negative, I become toxic. And it passes and I no longer feel resentment.
Then the problem is my expectations when I am triggered, my freedom fantasy, thinking about what it should be like - it must be perfect, and if it isn't perfect then I should find faults and blame negative - which does not help, it makes me toxic. I am triggered when I do something new, when someone is criticizing. I repeat the same painful patterns of shoulding, expecting to be perfect, and I re-run old experiences where I feel like I was taken advantage of. That is painful to think about and I engage in fixing it, what I should do, how should I do something not to be taken advantage and used and abused. I think I must find solution and that is energy draining. And I feel unhappy for not meeting high standards of my expectations and being in such situation.
When I am calmed down I realize that I am not coward when I speak my mind - when other person turn their back and walk away - they are cowards. When triggered, I remember times when I kept shut up, but I forget the times when I did talk and people did not like it - driver instructor who kicked me out of the car for example when I said I can't stand yelling when I drive. So when I am triggered I feel toxic shame, guilt, I put labels on myself, I demand perfection from me and see negative in myself and others. Also, when I am triggered I have fantasy image of what should life be like, a lot of shoulds and then feel bad because I fail to meet my standards. I discount the positive, I forget all the times I faced my fears and I only see the negative. I forget that I can calmly state what I want, assert myself in confrontation and not self-censor myself.
So social anxiety requires us to know how to deal with difficult people, narcissists and manipulators - and that includes being tolerant and being objective, trying to see what is behind their toxic behavior and whether we labelled them correctly, so that we do not jump to conclusions and quick reactions. It is about expecting that trigger will make us feel like we are under life threatening situation and we won't be able to notice being negative and finding faults, because it will be hard to be objective with trauma emotions inside.
One common characteristic of my triggers is a person who is impatient and express this impatience, more vulgar, the intense it feels, and I am in a situation where it is expected of me to solve and fix it quickly, to drop everything and serve them, it is where I fawn in order to avoid conflict, I obey and I shut up and self-censor myself. This is where I learned to shut up and self-censor myself. Now I know my trigger, it is no longer something unknown or random. It has a pattern.
The official advice how to deal with impatient person is: Don't belittle them. Offer to help. Take a break. and Be honest with the other person. That last one is problem with me since I am afraid of confrontation. I get triggered and all my ego defense mechanism is activated, along with ever present thinking errors. So the criticism and nagging will bother me if it is connected with impatience.
Or another advice is: Don't take it personally -which due to trauma I automatically do take it personally. It is attached to me like a leech and I can't shake it off.
"Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun." ~ Alan Watts
Fawn not longer necessary for survival, because you are not developing people skills. Fawning is not people skill. Fawning is only constructive when you are around narcissist and when you are trapped, you can't get away from narcissist. That's just your psychological mind protecting itself any way it can.
We live in place of fear when we don't have boundaries, we feel exposed to elements, exposed to whims of other people. Everything that happens on the outside of us we feel on the inside of us because we don't have boundaries there.
You don't need other people to meet your basic psychological emotional needs. All these concepts mix together, muddled when you don't have boundaries. Have to be learned or learned for the first time if they were not developed in childhood.
YT Fawning Is Not Love, It's A Symptom Of Trauma Bonding
(25.6.2021)
I draw into people like a sponge. I feel dark emotions when I feel ashamed by them. Boundaries would mean to be assertive, but it is hard to speak out calmly when your heart is racing, when I am triggered. So from that advice and honest, well meaning advice how to put boundaries - it is not effective for me. Due to physical symptoms, trigger and response to trauma and traumatic people. Also, one message is that boundaries will be established when we understand that we cannot change people. Ok, fair enough. The need to change people is cognitive distortion, we cannot influence, change other people will, thinking and how they behave. If we try, we are having thinking error, we are toxic. And it does not work, since people return to their default mode very quickly. They also learned as kid, in order to comply to someone being assertive, that they lie - they pretend to be obedient and good people. They are not authentic, and forcing someone not to be authentic is abuse, we would become vampires. So we have to find out how to let people be, we don't fix them, we don't judge them. And that is double binding because if someone is abusive, then they will take advantage our silence and approval as acknowledgment to keep abuse ongoing. Then, the official advice would be to report violence, and to assertively react to someone abusive. Without thinking that our message will change someone or that they will accept our message. The official advisors don't get fawning, that we still feel incredible enmeshment with others. This is why all the advice how to deal with difficult people does not work - all the steps in the world will not help to get rid of this emotions inside, trauma wound, trigger and toxic shame that is still present inside. And to make things more complex, people do not abuse others as on film - it is culturally adopted into "accepted" forms, so you are the one who is abnormal and over-reactive, you are the one who is "too sensitive" and take everything too seriously.
Regarding the triggers, I notices that when I am all alone in my flat, in my comfort zone, that I feel ok - even if I would feel somewhat distressed during arguments and negative focus and criticism from my parent just an hour or two before. I would feel no stress as during the contact, and no resentment any more, no more need to be right or feeling that I am attacked from all sides, suffocated. Yet every time I am with a person who complains I feel triggered. Ok, that is social anxiety - anticipating, expecting criticism. Someone would tell there is some kind of cognitive gremlin, short wiring some parts into inability to handle criticism. It must be chemical problem. But it is not. Chemical part is only an effect, not the cause.
I noticed also that I absorb complaints as the mark of my worth. It is automatic, there is no thought process around it, someone complains, it automatically is truth and I wrap myself in someone's words as proof of my incompetence and well of shame that I do not protest or have any right to protest. So other people, other people word's make me feel worthless, no self worth. Once I am triggered, when I feel uncomfortable, angry, when I feel attacked, when I feel scared, depressive and toxic shame, in that state of hyper-arousal, or under-arousal, I just don't see that it does not matter. It matters only to me. I feel like the whole world is hating me, that I have the whole world on my shoulders, and that I am in spotlight - but I am not, and in fact, nobody cares. Even if I have some means to broadcast message they would not care. The people whom I have told, they can't do nothing about it, and people don't like to takes sides or worry and complicate their lives about someone going through emotional response. They know it wears of anyway, and to me it seems like it lasts since the beginning of time and it will never end. And people would say something like Don't make it a big deal. Nobody cares. That is truth, but I can't shake of being triggered. It takes time, so it is helpful to know there is I don't care attitude, and nobody cares anyway, it is not big deal - as something to strive to in order to calm the emotional response, and get back to cortex brain from the current lizard brain running the show.
I was convinced that fawn response is something I do out of peace and love. But fawning is more than trauma response. Fawning is more than being triggered and respond to fawn.
Fawning is Trauma Bonding. I think I am being saint and rescuer, but it it Trauma Bonding. It is Stockholm Syndrome. I think when I fawn that I do it out of noble peace and out of my love but it has nothing to do with wishing to avoid and alleviate conflict, not to rock the boat and to be diplomatic, it is trauma bonding. It is not me being consciously agreeable, out of tactics and agenda for diplomacy, it is not about not being aggressive, it is not about being nice person, it is not about me being a good person - as I was told in Too nice for your own good books, self help resources and videos. These are all cognitive, planned actions that have agenda, that have some premeditated thought - that suggests that I would be aggressive towards someone who is smaller, shorter and easier to beat. I feel guilty if I don't let strait cats to eat wherever they want! It has nothing to do with nice guy syndrome, as I was mislabeled. That is why their advice did not work and why it was so frustrating to listening to their instructions that did not work in real life. It is psychological, it is wound, it is reaction stemming from wound. It is programming, brainwashing from childhood, it is trauma. It is the whole concept that is faulty, not some certain chips that are easy to replace and manage. It is not being turned into right direction, it is not about problem being in dexterity, it is the whole body twisted and turned sideways.
In fawn, as product of trauma bonding, I give up my choice, my choices, and I offer full reign over myself in the hands of other people. I offer them my freedom, my freedom rights, my freedom of choice and I expect mercy from them, some kind of minimum respect for my sacrifice. Trauma bonding information is also not helpful, it is some misleading in certain way - because it portrays usually romantic relationship as trauma bonding. I guess it is very rare for my case - that I trauma bond to everyone and everything. I guess that is very rare and that is why the message did not reach me until now. There is simply not such extreme, perhaps in the eyes of some people who know and explain trauma bonding - such stupidity and lack of common sense to protrude trauma bonding to literally all 7 billion people in the world. It is not only parent as suggested to trauma bonding information, I trauma bond with everyone. And with that new knowledge, everything suddenly makes sense. I have love for everyone, sincere peaceful attitude to everyone. Something that was made for fun from Germany Eurovision song in 1998: Guildo Horn - Guildo hat euch lieb
Guildo loves you all
And even if some tears are falling
He'll come over and sing some songs for you
Guildo loves you all
When every day, I added the following line to a friendship book1:
Peep, peep, peep – I like you a lot
In my little world
Where all people stick by each other
I have sincere, genuine, non-agenda, unconditional love for everyone and - in real life people use it to their advantage, especially psychopaths. And I do not care. The bonding is not on the present, surface level, it is ingrained inside, it is in my subconscious, it is programmed, it is brainwashed, it is hypnotized inside me, as a part of me - so even if someone logically, bluntly tell me this information in my face - I still care, love and connect to all people. It is in my genes, it is carved by abuse and trauma, as carving in a tree - the cut has changed the crust, the cut it made and it cannot be undone by talk, conversation and realization that talk about nice guy or someone who is taking advantage of me, or fawn as being a bad response - that information will not help me until I understand that I extend connection to everyone.
From my viewpoint/from my position I want peaceful relationship with everyone, from their position/perspective I am easy target, a possession, a subordinate. People try to fit me into their wishes, in their reasonable or more often unreasonable demands - including rejecting me and pushing me away from something I have the right to have. They are stubborn and do not want to negotiate. People who trigger me are stubborn. The pain I feel is only from people who do not want to talk about options. Criticism that hurts me are words from others that do not tolerate my comment, viewpoint or opinion. I was told that boundaries are when you are assertive and when you talk your opinion and state what you need. But there is no information what to do when the other person is stone walling you, after you did all according to boundary advice? Boundary information available does not clarifies this:
Boundaries are when I stop seeking other people to like, that I expect them to be likable, sociable, friendly and worthy of my time, energy. Without abusing them back. Trauma bonding is not only a romantic relationship exclusively. That is not common so this is why not explained in general public, information available. So information about trauma bonding is easily dismissed, and thus obstructed from finding out the truth that helps to explain concept fully about fawning and boundaries. Rare people like me truly appreciate other people and give all to them, yet many exploit this openness and friendliness attitude - they see that they can torn off the whole arm when the finger is offered to them.
When I meet someone I wiggle my tail to any stranger and accept them without any questions. Come right in. I need to start to reject immediately anyone - and they need to earn my trust. That is the boundary. I think I control people like that, that they will like me and stop possible abuse. I think I can't handle abuse because it hurts too deeply, I have that starting fear that motivates me to wiggle my tail to strangers. And it hurts too deeply because I wiggle my tail at them automatically, immediately from the start. Then I get triggered if someone is rude - even slightly - and I can't calm down, this is secondary, additional fear. And i continue to force love out them this is tertiary fear. And it completes cycle.
People think I fawn, codependent, give up because I am weak and coward. But I know deeper than them that people, some people can change, some people are unaware of their actions, some people go through trauma and only appear toxic. I give them all the second chance, that is love and trust I give unconditionally to everyone. That is not healthy, but it seemed reasonable to me, unconsciously, as programmed. This is why I trauma bond. That is hypnosis ingrained in my psyche. Now I know I still can give them some kind of second chance but now with new awareness, it is from a different position - the one that they need to come to me and ask for help and show they are worthy.
When I fawn, I think in the opposite way. I see everyone as competent, superior and clever - and I need the stamp of approval from others, from everyone, especially from rude, violent, aggressive people. I ignore calm and reasonable, normal people - since I think they are automatically under my umbrella, and they do not need my attention, time, energy and my resources - as evil people need it more urgently. My life feels threatened when I am triggered. Other people negative emotions feel like life threatening and require my everything, my time, my resources, my focus, my energy.
Trauma bonding, fawning, codependency, people pleasing, seeking approval comes down to:
when there is no option from other people, when everything must be as they demand, and when I agree to such interaction - that is a lack of boundary. It is dehumanizing others.
It is about not having options, when the other person do not agree to agree, when they want it to be as they requested it, when they are stubborn, when they go to temper tantrum and when they are uncivilized and not open for talk, argument, conversation and agreement - that when I give in, and I give in always in order to be friends with everyone - is crossing boundaries, it is abuse, it is trauma bonding.
What "normal" people do when they struck someone stubborn and unwilling to listen? It is not about dealing with difficult people - it is about dealing with impossible people.
Setting boundaries would be to have mentality right in the start to fend off and not give in to other people demand's at the cost of getting hurt.
I also find out that the less someone is intelligent - the less he or she is open for suggestions, opinions and other options.
Trauma bonding is giving up too soon, it is do whatever you want, I give up. I do it because it is easy, it is what I learned it works, I have no options. The other side will deny whatever I wish, whatever I prefer, it does not pay of to check if I can voice my wishes. The trauma, the trigger is for me always in situations where I must ask someone for something, where I need someone's help, where I need someone to stop what they are doing and I need their time, attention, service - and I expect I will bother them. I see worth only in other people, how they act to me, that what they say is the order. So there are at least two levels of distorted thinking - on one level I see that I do not have options, that my preferences are futile to ask, that the other person will explode if I ask something differently, what I want - and another level is giving up on my time, energy and resources and giving them fully to others.
So I have a choice. I do not need to employ techniques and mechanisms if I see that other person is not responding. I can ask, I am allowed to ask. I can differentiate people who are rude - I do not need to withhold information. I do not need to see them as strangers, I can see them as sick people, as psychopaths, as manipulators, as narcissists.
After I give up giving unconditional trust, I will see people less trustworthy and as allies, and from such mindset they will not be able to hurt me on the deep level as when I am fawning to them automatically. The trauma is when I do not have option. When there is only one source, only one person that can give me what I want, so I need to kiss their bottom and have open arms for psychopath that is hurting me. Communist regime creates such environment. Liars, abusers, corrupt individuals are protected by the state and they can act violently, rude, aggressively without sanctions or removal from that position. With fawning I do not give myself permission to state objectively what is going on, how I feel and what I need. I was learned that it is futile to protest and get into argument, because the other people will have it their way anyway. And their way is not to bother them, they don't have time, they hate me, they have much more important things to do than handling my needs, even though it is in their job description.
So social anxiety and avoidance seem like reasonable and logical answer as defense mechanism against potential abusers, users, narcissists and toxic people. However it is logical answer from a perspective of a child. As adult, in a normal, free country, I have rights as adult that allow me to demand, express and ask for my needs in objective and reasonable manner. In normal environment, not all people are psychopaths, screaming and violent monsters.
When I was growing up, I did not receive information how to make friendships and how to recognize my rights. I guess, without friends at adolescence, I missed the information that most of the people get in real life - instead of from fiction, TV and media. I missed how to deal with difficult people and to filter people. Instead I was instructed that difficult people are correct and I must obey. In fawn state, I believe other people want to change, and that their rudeness is temporary, necessary and connected with me, that it is my responsibility, whatever happened and whatever they say, I do not question it. I do not realize that some people may act helpless. And I want them to like me. I want them to see myself as someone who sacrifices obedience, trust and respect to them. That I give automatically. That is not normal. In normal relationships, interactions, these are earned, not given away as a trade for making peace and life without conflicts and anger. And it does not work - people - especially psychopaths - engage into conflicts, anger and misunderstandings. I need to give up on wanting them to like me. I need to be prepared to enter conflicts, where I am allowed to be honest and express my thoughts. I am so afraid of conflict that I am willing to forfeit my freedom and give my loyalty for free and turn myself into prison and slavery - of everyone. With fawning I think that others (everyone in general) will not accept the alternative nor even listen to my proposal. That talking with them is futile and I have no option other than give them everything through saying yes without any objection from my side.
When someone treats you like crap, just remember it's because there's something wrong with them, not you.
Normal people don't go around destroying other people's lives.
Regulation {self}
Adjusting my emotional response
Conscious choice of words and tone
Adapting to cultural & societal norms
Managing: fight, flight, freeze, fawn response
(26-6-2021)
Social anxiety is inability to express my wishes, demands, needs, it is seen as futile attempt and because of childhood trauma, we were programmed that the other people with refuse our request automatically and they will punish or be very rude to our request, so they will cause us pain if we say something. We think all people will react always like this so we suffer in silence and go along without expressing our needs. Healing social anxiety would be to test this fear - if objectively our request is not crazy, if it is intelligent, if it is reasonable - we can negotiate and explain why. When person with social anxiety never negotiate, every interaction with another person would mean to shut up whenever there is an alternative and choice. Our social anxiety silence would signal other people, for them to take charge and that they are the ones who decide, we train them to treat us like children and we teach them that we will be silent if there is any choice about anything. From psychology point of view this could be mirroring - it could mean that social anxiety is when we are the stubborn ones. We secretly want it to be our way always without negotiation with the other person, we simply know the other person will go into rage and temper tantrum if we ask something to be done in our way - and we forfeit our choice in advance and react with social anxiety, feeling uncomfortable in social settings. As children we never learned the art of give and take, the skills how to ask for what we want, we never learned the other side, that we can listen to the other children how they feel about something and to draw conclusion together what is the best choice, or at least to voice our opinion and state our dissatisfaction. There are silent agreements when people shut up and go along in some situations with the demands, wishes and orders from certain person. For example, being a guest - you do not have the same rights as the owner of a house where you came as a guest. Fawning means 'Me casa su casa', literally. Then, there are people who were living in a cultural norms where there is toxic masculinity - similar to Klingongs - where listening to others, negotiating and giving up on own demands and wishes is a sign of weakness. It doesn't matter if objectively and scientifically the other person is right, it would be a sign that the other person is weak and sign of feminine if they give up on their demands. They are ready to use violence to prove their point and to be it their way no matter what. Certain poor countries or previously communist countries also exhibit large portion of such individuals, who were raised thinking due to ideas and how they are perceived by the world (being superior) is the reason why negotiating and agreeing is sign of weakness. They are ready to employ extreme measures to prove their superiority. Some people as manipulators, bullies and narcissists have discovered that certain people shut up if they yell at them. They noticed that most people give up and go along if they exhibit fear mongering emotions, so they use it whenever they can, whenever they made psychological assessment of people around them, that they can exploit through emotional abuse. People with social anxiety grew up in such environment and learned that if in social settings, the only way to deal with people is through fawning. Other people are seen as difficult, stubborn and cruel and they do not accept suggestions, opinions and needs. So in a corrupt country, where there is no strict laws for violent and oppressive individuals, it is a norm to act superior, violent and abusive to easy targets, since there is no one to sanction abusive behaviour.
Social anxiety is a test for sufferers. God or Universe wants us to see how we will act when challenged, when our demands are not met. Will we be truly good, patient and decent human beings as we believe or trust ourselves to be. Also, the same entity wants to test how others will act then challenged, will they listen, negotiate - or will they repeatedly dismiss other people's opinions, demands, wishes. Evil has a way to hide itself - and the only way to discover it is through exposure and observing what happens in laboratory settings. Checking things, testing what happens is laboratory setting. Testing what will happen if I ask for something, how the other person will react if I deny something - will I have social skills to explain it calmly, objectively and how will I react if other person is rude and unwilling to listen.
People who are stubborn and always deny other people's request (narcissists and psychopaths) live in their world where other people are seen as incompetent, weak, imbeciles, weaker form of life. We are seen as nuisance. They are always correct no matter what, while we are seen as an obstacle if we do not comply to their vision. We are objects, easily discarded if necessary.
People with social anxiety think that fawning is a social skill - that this is solution for abusers and psychopaths, you simply go along as other people want because you know you will be punished and hurt if you say something. But in reality, the world is not like that. There are times and situations when we are more smarter and reasonable and our demands count, too. Fawning is trauma bonding, it is not how people interact, that is not communication skill. Other people will with time use our silence as approval for punishing and hurting us, so this fawning will not prevent other people's anger and their temper tantrum, that hurt us so much due to Complex Trauma ie childhood programming into submission from psychopaths. With social anxiety and fawning and trauma bonding we think other person will never rejects us because we go along as they wish, so there is no reason to throw someone who comply, and we use our ability to comply with everything as asset to offer - and we expect in return safety. We fulfill our Maslow's hierarchy of needs through obeying other people. Seems like easy, quick and reasonable solution from child perspective. In reality - this is something we are unable to see - other people are nice just because they were raised to be nice, up to certain point. We think when they are angry that we did something wrong, that we did not obey too much, that we made mistake and asked for something or did not comply in some hidden area which we must find out which one fast through rumination and intrusive thoughts. We think other people anger is our fault, automatically. We are unable to see that their positive and negative emotions come out of their own childhood programming, pedagogy and perceptions that serve to satisfy their needs. We think they are generous and they have special place in their mind that keeps our record and they attend to it. It is an unwritten trade - that we give up on our authority so that they are our parent and they take care of us. We think we are unable to that as programmed in childhood. We think we are not allowed. And that if we try to assert our authority, that we will be punished, hurt or abandoned, automatically, every single time, from all people no matter what circumstances and no matter whom. Social anxiety is fawning. Social anxiety is trauma bonding. Social anxiety, avoidance, extreme shyness and inability to negotiate with other people is unrecognized Trauma bonding (Stockholm syndrome). That is why social anxiety proposed healing solutions from mainstream sources do not work. The mainstream proposed solutions for social phobia does not work, their advice is misleading. Given advice is totally misleading. It discounts the root cause of phobia (other people) and focus on symptoms - which are natural and normal reaction to trauma.
ATTENTION - Practice attentional training to help shift your focus externally.
Social anxiety is external referencing. The focus should be shifted internally.
CHALLENGE - Challenge unhelpful or unrealistic thoughts.
Thoughts are not unrealistic, they are irrational and product of trauma, they cannot be challenged without exposing trauma.
BREATHE - Learn a breathing technique and practive it every day.
Physical symptoms are normal reaction to life threatening situation. It is a way to release the stress out of the body and to discharge it. If we ignore it, stress will stay in our body. Having physical symptoms is normal reaction to abnormal situation It is normal that our hands shake, this is how stress goes out of the body - if we do not shake, it stays stuck inside.
BEHAVIOURS - Identify safety behaviours and slowly start to eliminate them.
Safety behavior are learned responses from childhood, if eliminated, we are left with fawning as only logical solution to deal with stubborn people.
EXPOSURE - Create a fear hierarchy. Slowly work through the situations that cause anxiety.
All situations cause anxiety due to trauma. Exposure will only make us invent better ways to fawn. We see fawning as the only available and thus exclusive social skill.
FOCUS - When in social situations try focusing on external things rather than yourself.
External referencing is already present. That is trauma bonding. The focus on other people as our saviour, parents, guides and authority- instead we need to take keys to our city walls back to ourselves. We lack own worth, focusing on other people only confirms this lack.
GOALS - Goals will be a great tool to help you overcome your social anxiety.
Our goals are external referencing. Our goals in social anxiety is to appease other people so they do not go to rage and temper tantrums. We were never learned there are goals which were meant for us only.
HELP - Seek help from a friend or even therapist.
Most of them do not know what Emotional dysregulation is, thus the help is futile. Also, we give impression of victim mentality and drama queen if we describe our symptoms to people who are willing to listen, we put incredible amount of pressure on them to take care of us.
THOUGHT - Test out the validity of thoughts through behavioral experiments.
There is no need for general behavior experiment - there is only one experiment needed for trauma bonding: testing what will happen when we ask what we need, when we express our opinion based on objectivity and science and what is best for everyone. How will other person react?
COMFORT ZONE - Be ready to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
Comfort zone for social anxiety is anything without people. It is the only place where we can achieve window of tolerance, to calm down and to think from cortex. It has its benefits. Until complex trauma and trauma bonding is not addressed,we will produce cortisol and be unable to think from anything other than amygdala when around other people.
To lubricate communication with people therefore, logical step would be to make other person pleasant and to agree in part with them, and to make them sure that when we do not agree with them, that we do not dismiss their personality, opinion or everything they said. We got to find way to explain this to them.
Fawning as adopted communication skill makes us give up on our right to react, talk, negotiate and express our needs, thoughts, opinions and tasks. We put the other person (or people) in charge and we think they are competent, as we were being told, taught and programmed not to be competent, the ones unable to handle life. That way we have open border policy and we are not aware of that we create external referencing - we give up expressing irritations and being hurt by someone, and our emotions are in sync with other person. If they are happy, we are happy. If they are angry, it is our fault, we are to blame, it is our responsibility and we must fix it, immediately. We do not see that their bad temper is sign of incompetence. We shut up about any discrepancies they have - in the fear of retaliation which is based on our belief that we are worthless, wrong, and deeply invalid.
So instead of fawning, it must be our task to have objective perspective of ourselves and other people. Trauma response tells us it's important to regain ability to stay calm and understand why we react physically as if our life is threatened in social settings. It has nothing to be embarrassed about. We are simply acting out our hypnosis, like McKenna gimmick on stage, performing out what we were programmed to do. We were programmed to feel fear from being in contact/situation with other people, it does not mean we are weak, cowards or inept. Believing in this toxic shame explanations would bring us secondary fears, not directly connected with the trauma response - but it would appear connected to us, zoomed into fear too closely. So both social anxiety and trauma require us to democratize our thoughts, to allow ourselves to question the others. Automatically we fawn into others, and we are stuck with one way mindset without being aware of it. If someone is rude, loud, or popular, demanding and forceful, we do not take in consideration that this person might be mentally ill and their viewpoints, orders and suggestions might be terribly faulty and even dangerous to listen. That is the basis of external referencing - to blindly follow others as our guidelines. Instead, healthy thing to do would be rooting into own self worth, own experience, common sense and objective analysis. Dethroning others would take of the pressure to conform and it removes chains and gives us ability to talk without fears if other person agrees or comments or nags or criticizes about what we said. That is my opinion, I do not impose it on others, I might be wrong, but with all data available, that is my truth I believe in. If I am wrong, I will admit my mistake. If I take other people's words as command, that would be psychologically not healthy, it has nothing to do with respect of others or lack of respect to others. Narcissists take this disobedience as disrespect, that is why they react rudely and aggressively. They take our own opinions that are different from them as personal attack. That is diametrically opposed to our external referencing, where we align our life (goals, tasks, self worth) to other people. By rejecting narcissist's mindset and opinion, they take this as aggression from us - which is unrealistic. Their worth is rooted in themselves, and our indifference or rejection is very painful for them. But being psychopaths, they react in aggressive manner to defend themselves which makes them dangerous. And this aggressive reaction is what made us hypnotized not to make them uncomfortable and to agree with whatever they want. Before trauma information I knew that I must be honest with people and tell them what I think, especially when they cross boundaries. Back then I believed that I am unable to do this because I do not want to hurt them. I believed fawning is communication, social skill. I thought racing heart is unrelated, that social anxiety has nothing to do with being kind and saint to others, without need to hurting them by our words. While reality is - physical symptoms are hypnosis leftover from childhood, and I do not hurt others by my remarks and alerting system - they are the ones who are hurting me. They are the ones who are stepping on my toes. And if I do not yell, scream or attack them, if they feel hurt, it is their issue - either real or imagined, which is not my responsibility to fix. We teach other people how they treat is. Statistically speaking, it is very rare possibility that they are really hurt. Most people are egocentric and thus have inability to feel the pain of others - which means they are unable to feel inner deep pain as I do, which I was convinced that others feel also, at the same intensity and level. That is why it is important to be calm and to make arguments that might be suger-coated - the important things is to get the message out, it is not about destroying others. It is about objectivity, not about the character and existence.
We may choose to isolate from others, but problem starts when we are forced (due to job, family, need, service or task) and thus we are unable to associate/dissociate people according to their heart's wishes.
Then we choose 4F response according to dysfunctional upbringing to deal with other people - or alternatively, in healthy way, we operate from Window of tolerance (Polyvagal Theory).
This is where Trauma bonding is touching social anxiety. We take other people's Fight response as our personal order, we do not question its validity, honesty, agenda, origin or anything about it, we take it for granted. We do not voice our disagreement with it due to fear of repercussion and in the same time we are unconsciously connected with the other person through invisible strings, which they pull us according as they wish. They are angry, we shut up. They are moody, we shut up. They are irritated, we shut up. They have problem - it is our problem, and we must feel guilty because of it, we must feel ashamed because of it, and we must fix it. There is no conversation about it, there is no laboratory examination, no argument, no questions asked. Our only source of guideline and information comes from person who engages in Fight response, as the mark of superiority, toxic masculinity, ability and competence. This process goes on unconsciously.
Fawning is not communication skill but it looks like skill to handle people. It looks like empathy but it is only surface level monitoring of other people's emotions, reactions and anticipating their needs. We were programmed in childhood to concern about other people - no matter what. It is like putting a role of artificial host - obligatory role for any person. That requires incredible amount of time, energy and it is psychologically damaging, and not humanly possible to please everyone all the time. The programming was done through narcissistic injury and rage sessions.
When we first interact with someone new we maintain sense of reasonability and expectation of another person being reasonable. If another person is unable to operate in reality-view themselves accurately, and we can, it is important to maintain boundaries.
If you don't enter into bubble of they are so wonderful and perfect, all this stuff they are promoting about themselves then they'll discard you in the beginning. They'll see you as someone who isn't delusional as they are.
If you correct them, factual error, in effort to help, here is truth, in their mind you are threatening their entire sense of self. In narcissistic mindset you have just threatened to completely deconstruct their entire worldview. Their entire existence is in their mind.
It took me time to realize mental illness of it, as she switched personalities. It is not based in reality. They change belief system depending whom they are around and what they want out of that situation.
You may never know what you did or say to provoke that injury. It literally could come down to tiny comment you made that suggested they were not perfect.
It is their emotions wrapped in their grandiose belief system, not based in reality:they are perfect.
YT The Narcissistic Bubble: Narc Injury & Rage
No one knows what's going to happen next.
Your life will start when you stop worrying about what other people think.
You never know what will set off individual, always being wrong, no matter what you do is right, all the time, even when you do what is asked-you are somehow still wrong, requirements change - as soon as you meet them, they change. There is no right answer
Freeze fawn are not healthy, they are adaptive. They'll help you survive in horrible situation that you can do nothing about.
Develop relationship skills of dealing with problems directly, constructively and with underline trust that this other person wants to work through the problem.
With freeze-fawn you don't give other person the opportunity to work on issue.
YT Recognizing Our Maladaptive Coping Mechanisms
So the problem is what I want and from whom. I take other people as valid, better and strong, so what I want does not matter. Then I will see other people automatically as indicators what I want and what I am, through their eyes, opinions, their words, their ignorance or a little bit of approval to sprinkle I am approved. Fear then will arise when I want something, when I must do some task -- and I depend on other person response. To satisfy them is then my ultimate goal. I must not make them angry otherwise I won't be able to get what I want from other person. Even thought it is their job and they get paid for it, and it is in their job description to give service and help. I do not see it like that, I see they approve everything.
Definition of confidence from my perspective would be that I say out my opinion, my desire, my want my need and how I handle reaction from other person - how I react back to them. So it is about me depending on someone response that is part of low confidence. I shut up and I expect attack from other person. And what to do in a case of worst case scenario - someone's temper tantrum as reaction. Confidence would be to ignore my natural reaction of fear, the trigger and to focus on my rights - knowing that I have rights. And that some people who are not "good" but manipulative and toxic, should no be taken so seriously, as I take them. It is about knowing I have right to talk, make observation, make opinion and keep talking no matter if the other person tell me that I am stupid, that my remark is rude (even though it is not objectively), that I should shut up - while they should keep talking and their remarks are truth.
When we care about something, we get over involved. If there are fears and feelings of inferiority - then I will get social anxiety, it means being over involved in social settings. And if we put ourselves on auto-pilot with such mindset, our basic instincts would run our decisions. I think the same auto pilot is running narcissists and manipulators. Part of brain that deals with empathy is not active and basic part is running their actions and thoughts. That is why they sniff out good and kind, mild and quiet people - they sense it through their mentally ill instincts. And this is why we can't reason and interact with them, they do not use logic.
So being confident in social situations would be that even though I feel scared, the more less pressure I would feel if I am not so obsessed with other people. I know now I automatically do trauma bonding with people, I put invisible connections with others and this cause me to closely observe and presume what other want, need and to please them. Of course then I will feel social anxiety and feel tense, and feel very bad if someone is not satisfied and displays negative emotions. Then of course if someone asks me something that is too much, that breaks etiquette, I say nothing and I do not recognize it as boundary crossing, I feel it as uncomfortable unrecognizable feeling, that I probably attribute to plethora of fears that stem from social anxiety. So what I am focused on, what matters to me = to please other people, that is what others will exploit from me. Those are my weak spots. I respect other person, I follow unwritten social rules, and there are people who will not respect me, and they will trigger me. I will follow the rules, they will not - and that we they will control me. They actually use my unwritten rules against myself. (For example, don't be rude. Don't raise your voice. Don't ask intrusive questions. Don't nag. Don't be boring. Don't suggest. Don't complain. All this rudeness makes other people uncomfortable and they hate it, so avoid it, in order to be friendly with everybody). Or societal unwritten rules - do not be impatient, stand in line, they simply do not conform and they don't care about others. Problem is when through accepting others as better, stronger, valid - I put mentally ill people as my instructors, guides and pointer what is the norm. Of course then I will feel fears and imbalance and social anxiety.
The quick fix to social anxiety then would be - can I come to the place of self awareness to trust person who appears aggressive but they are not really? Overcome learned trauma fear and trust them - this ease up my pressures and expectations and hyper alertness that hinders normal social interactions.
I get stuck with trigger and I forget about doing all things associated with kindness. Because I get ill treatment from ill people and of course, naturally I am in grunge mode, tense and not in a good mood. I forget to be kind and to smile.
I think this is the goal of beating social anxiety. In situations before where I would feel fear in social setting, that now I feel as a part of the settings, a part of group, neutral, without me running around and fixing people, feeling that I must intervene in other people emotions, that I do not see other people emotions as directed against myself. That I do not feel like other people stare at me, and that I am in the spotlight. So that I do not perceive someone aggressive attitude as an attack. Not being needy, being concerned what other people think about, that is trauma bonding. I have to stop being needy, stop being concerned.
The quick fix would be: People will over-react if my words are taken as criticism, a personal criticism. If I formulate my words in general, they will not get hysterical. Their temper tantrum as social anxiety worst fear. If I made mistake, the receiver (especially childlike hysterics) need validation and my admitting of mistake, they want to hear it. The more humble I say it, the more they will be satisfied and calm down. My fear would do the opposite and thus irritate such mentally ill people even more. I would feel like some kind of pride not to admit mistake and believing I am talking to healthy person that doesn't need act of submission.
All this leads to the hypnosis hypothesis, the existence of hidden translator inside our mind. Actually I've learned about this concept in a self help book "Self Esteem" back in 1997, but the concept was not deeply explored and not so detailed as I've figured it out, 24 years later. In the book, author describes our conscious mind as having a wide screen through which we see reality, similar to Star Trek command bridge. And this screen is some kind of translator of outside reality. Sometimes this screen distorts reality, but we are not aware it is distorted and we take it for granted, as if it is reality that we are actually seeing on that giant screen.
Hypothesis is connected with trauma bonding concept. I noticed when I was reading 39 signs of Trauma Bonding list that I have a surprising, hidden, visible yet invisible separate persona inside me when I am or when I feel confronted with abuser or threatening situation (real or imagined- so that is not really life threatening, only seems to me is enough to switch to this hidden persona). I am both aware and not aware that I am different person in this situation. Trauma bonding is my mask that I do not choose to wear, yet it is on my face automatically in a dangerous situation (real or imagined). It appears as social anxiety and avoidance - from outside, it has all symptoms. I label it as social anxiety and avoidance, and probably if someone observe me from afar and I can directly tell that observer how I physically and mentally feel - they would also label it as social phobia, too. But in fact:
It is mould of mask and it is communicator - I cannot communicate directly with loud aggressive threatening person (real or imagined) - so I filter it through screen and I speak as a different person. Speak = communication inside me with my thoughts (inner) and communication with other person (exterior). This is hypnosis.
YT 1stdrive
Problem is I am aware of passive part but I am not aware of how I show it. I am not aware there is a list of rules. It is like I am having script what to say and act, but I do not remember when I learned the script - and the words just come out of my mouth, it is hard to explain it - the words come out by my will but in the same time they are against my will. I am aware of aggressive feelings (that I want to talk back and defend myself when someone is rude and accuses me of wrongdoing), but passive comes out automatically, as hypnosis, and runs the show. If I try to modulate it, I feel extreme over arousal system being activated, rising up inside (stress hormones), adrenaline and cortisol that keep codependency and trauma bonding addictive. It is addiction due to chemicals inside me that make me scared when I try to be bold, normal, healthy, when I try to defend myself, stand up for myself.
When oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, cortisol, and adrenaline are involved, the abusive nature of the relationship can actually strengthen, rather than dampen, the bond of the relationship in the brain.
https://abusewarrior.com/toxic-relationships/narcissistic-abuse/signs-of-trauma-bonding/
39+ Subtle Signs Of Trauma Bonding, Can You Relate?
worrying that you may do or say something to set them off.
leaving is difficult because you’re afraid they may not only hurt you but themselves.
we believe that the abuser is mentally or emotionally disturbed and is the product of a dysfunctional environment
we stand up for the abuser and go against people who truly care.
You know that they are treating you badly and you secretly resent them for it.
Yet, whenever to get the courage to leave they throw you a few complements and crumbs of attention.
You end up mistaking these crumbs for the entire bakery, and you doubt yourself.
You feel stuck and develop a sense of learned helplessness.
You ignore their bad behaviors when they are pointed out by others.
You know they’re deceptive and abusive, but you still can’t let go.
You do everything to please them and are always loyal, even when they give you nothing but pain.
You hide your emotions from them.
You feel addicted to them.
You always have an excuse for them.
You compromise yourself to please them.
You forget your worth and value.
You crave the crumbs of love and attention.
Feel a relentless need to give your abusive partner the benefit of the doubt – always to your detriment
You don’t want to say “No” or stand up for yourself because you don’t want anyone to think you’re mean or unwilling to make compromises (although they are repeatedly mean to you and unwilling to be flexible).
You rarely go outside the home because there’s usually a price to pay, or if you do go out, there’s always a deep sense of urgency to get back home as quickly as possible.
No matter the contributions and sacrifices you’ve made for the relationship, you feel you haven’t done enough
You feel invisible.
You hide your partner’s cruelty and abuse and/or lie to friends and family about your reality
You defend the abuser making excuses for his behavior.
You do everything you can to please the abuser jumping through hoops to please them.
You find yourself waking on eggshells and constantly apologizing even though you have done nothing wrong.
You sympathize with the abuser for their bad childhood experience.
You put the abusers needs first to the point of neglecting your own needs.
by complaining, nagging, reacting, demanding and feedback - these are ways how to program someone. You say something and then you appear as little inner critic in other people minds - so the next time they do some task - your voice pops up in target's head and they obey your message and do as being told. And this system works on people who are good, kind, who follow the rules, who are open, friendly, normal, healthy. This is how narcissists, manipulators, right-wing politicians, mentally ill people exploit and parasite over society. They exploit good kind nature of warm and kind people. Physical or verbal violence just make it more prompt. Their complaining, nagging - they will try to explain it as help for you, as amazing service, as something that is good for you, and if you don't listen, you are stubborn (toxic shame as a way to control and manipulate people).
What I can do is to use certain percentage of trauma bonding opposite rules. I do not need to be violent, I do not need to be hysterical to prove my point. But I can modulate my response by having any and knowing I can have option to react - and to program back the attacker. I will repeat it again: Manipulators use toxic shame to control others.
Also I avoid conflict because for me, as my unwritten rule, it means I will cut you out of my life if you nag. So trying to not to rock the boat by serious repercussion of cutting you out of my life, I try to be pleasing and minimize the damage that other people are doing by being disrespectful.
When I speak out and someone reacts - I feel need like I need to influence and prove myself - by repeating - that I cannot rest and ignore any follow up chat. I have told my side my opinion - and that is enough. The virus is implanted in their heads.
So hypnosis are situations when the other person expect me to do certain task, when I make mistake and they watch over me, when my mistake is related to them and they are generals after the war who pinpoint my mistakes after all is over. For example situation when someone over the phone gives me instructions - but for some reason I cannot do everything that they ask, and if they want it in a hurry, so that I have no time to evaluate priority and the right course of action. The question here is what is my responsibility, what is my job description, what is expected of me and what is usually norm, how other people do, how much they do. Do I go over board in order to please someone rude, aggressive and needy. My inner translator is activated and it does not allow me to speak out, to defend myself, to tell the other person to wait, to calm down, that they are hysterical and that I will ignore them if they do not stop. Because in my head over and over I see that other person as normal and superior and someone who is life threatening to me. Can I get fired if I speak my mind? This leads to level two. How to react when the other person throws temper tantrum. Narcissists operate in such way - it is their way or high way. Can I relocate to better country where I can quit this job and remove myself from mentally ill person? Can I first see what will happen if I start to warn and alert other person, without losing my temper - as reaction to them losing their temper. Can I allow myself to turn my back - after they have turn their back in anger and walk away, interrupting the conversation? The first easiest step would be in breaking the translator hypnosis - is to stop smiling when someone crossed the boundaries. It is not about my job description and tasks I need to do. What are the job description for the other person. What are their rights. Can they park their car in the middle of the road because they are too lazy to wait for their passenger stopped at the far right side of road, so that I can pass by them. Will I smile to them in order not to see that I am angry and that I am afraid if they will become angry at me because I do not like their selfishness? At what point can I allow myself to react when someone clearly goes overboard? Can I do it without fight response and in kind manner? And then not feeling guilty if my reaction is not accepted lightly by the other side. That is what is the problem - I keep forgetting these people are abnormal. Normal people have at least some basic empathy.
Before you assume, try asking first.
A study found that anxiety disengages the prefrontal cortex, a region of the brain that plays an important role in flexible decision making.
External factor - people who are evil, toxic, rude or someone simply behaving obnoxiously, have influence on my psychological safety. If I ignore their tactics, I will feel scared, uncomfortable and ashamed. So ignoring does not help if I am not aware to recognize them as external factor. If I see them on par - paradoxically I will feel inferior, because they use my sense of justice and listening and honor, unwritten etiquette in their advantage. They lie but they package their toxic shame into statements and "reality", as facts, orders and commands - that I obey, because I am not able to see them as external factor. I see them as my inner critic, I see their words as ultimate truth. If I am able to recognize that even though they might be in position of some kind of authority - that they make fun of my mistakes or ineptness in particular area - that if I see them as evil factor, I can reject their words easily. The problem is if I connect them as the source of my Maslow needs (being fired - I'll end up homeless) - but even in that case, I can ignore them. I can respond. I can say something, I can state truth, being honest and authentic. At least I will feel better. I can ignore them after I say my thing. Self censoring and shutting up to lies and accusations hurts and it needs to be addressed - even through confession, showing that I do not know something but I do not care about them.
I have adopted narcissist messages as rules. Identify them and change them. For example to expect the worst, to look for the worst, to catastrophize, nitpicking. Knowing that I can make mistake, to make mistake even on force - as a test what would happen. Ashaming is a way of control. Allow mistakes. Rules are wrong if they are one-sided. Allow alternatives.
I can't process trauma related event - loud people for example - so I stay stuck in thinking and making sense out of absurd situation, someone being mentally ill and hostile. I get stuck in loop. I must cut it. I will choose shortcuts, biases anyway. Whatever solution I come up - it will be biased. It will contain errors. So that would be quick fix - knowing that because of fallacies, biases and thinking traps, I will do, say, act with errors including, so I do not need to be stuck with avoidance, and waiting for the right thing, for the decision, being afraid in making the correct decision.
I get stuck in toxic shame. Others watching me, others comments hurt so much. feeling i am defective.
Out of loop would be to act, do what I want, to not fawn.
https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/molyneux-problem/
For normal people this questioning is perfectly innocent and simply a way of connecting and making conversation. How are we to differentiate the motives of a person asking questions about our lives?
- What kind of questions are they asking? Are they reasonable, curious questions about your life and just making conversation or are they unnecessarily intrusive?
- How frequently are they asking questions? Is it every now and then or a relentless barrage of questions about all areas of your life, like they are trying to gather information on you?
- What is your overall gut feel of this person? Do they seem like a reasonable, decent person with integrity or is there something not quite right there? Do you trust this person? Do you sense an agenda to their questions?
- Watch carefully their general behaviour for signs of other psychopathic characteristics. See our Checklist page for resources on this. Some people are just nosy, but invasiveness in conjunction with other psychopathic traits is a red flag.
- “Why do you keep asking me all these questions about my life?”
- “It’s not your business every little detail of my life history”
- It’s not your business every little detail of where I’m going, what I’m doing, or what I did at the weekend. Stop asking me all these questions”
- “You don’t seem to have much respect for the privacy of other people. You’re very invasive with all the questions that you ask”
- Another tactic is to anticipate and interrupt them every time they are about to ask another invasive question. Over time you will get to learn their patterns and you will know when a question is coming. Simply cut them off before they can ask it and control the conversation from there.
- Glib and superficial
- Egocentric and grandiose
- Lack of remorse or guilt
- Lack of empathy
- Deceitful and manipulative
- Shallow emotions
- Impulsive
- Poor behavior controls
- Need for excitement
- Lack of responsibility
- Early behavior problems (now often referred to as Conduct Disorder)
- Adult antisocial behavior
Sometimes we don't need advice. We just need somebody to listen.
Poincaré recurrence theorem.
Maturity is when you keep your mouth shut when you want to say something mean to someone. Only people at peace with themselves can do this.
Problem with ignoring - where is the fine line between ignoring the bully as a mean to not engage into intrusive thoughts and denial where I deny the problem, where I do not seek solution and best way to handle a problem.
(5.8.2021)
Your personality is who you are. Your attitude is usually based on how a person treats you.
Some general directions would be:
(22.8.2021)
I've noticed that some advice (from any possible source) has a two meanings. It can be interpreted in a wrong way. For example, it is said that it is intelligent "to ignore toxic behaviour". If you take this advice at face value, it means that you stand still and take bullying and abuse, doing nothing. That's not intelligent, that is a freeze response, it is not based on cortex part of brain. So it doesn't work. It is a quite different when you defend yourself (talk back or leave) and then you ignore toxic behaviour, you ignore it as a response, You ignore bully's reply to your words of action. Which brings to another level of problem - what about the broken people who are damaged in areas which disables them to implement the advice. For the same example, a person who was abused in childhood and now as adult has external referencing - with PureOCD intrusive thoughts - it is impossible to ignore rude comments, criticism, mocking and hysteria. In fact, actively ignoring increases the intrusive thoughts loop. Pink elephant example. Then in this case, the advice is simplistic once again, and it needs to be elaborated. Simplifying is fallacy, it does not work in complex cases. The paradox is that people who need beneficial advice all have complex issues, so simplistic advice will not work for them. People who would benefit simple advice does not look for one, because they are simplistic themselves.
Or another example - doorslam: to cut contact with abusive person. For me, doorslam is temporary solution because doors can be opened again. The better definition would be - to stop looking at that person as normal human being. Look at them as someone who is unable to love. Someone who is unable to share. Someone who is unable to interact with other human beings in normal civilized manner - so you do not look for signs that they will be changed into normal person. You look at them as imbeciles or criminally insane person - someone who will never be able to have normal contact because of their psychopathology, desire to hurt, steal from, thorn, destroy others. When you look it like that, as oppose to doorslam, it is easier to cut contact. With doorslam you look at other person as person, someone who is able to knock, someone who lives in our dimension and perceive door as rectangular object that you pass through. So by telling yourself that I will doorslam someone, instead of cutting the contact with them, actually you only delay contact with them for some unknown future time.
Leeches theory.
Social anxiety is having a broken self worth. It is being unable to trust one's own decisions, opinions and someone's criticism is thus experienced as an attack and wound picking. It is hard to own one's mistake, errors, shortcoming, lack of knowledge, experience with toxic shame present, believing the core of being is incorrect and wrong by default. As I learned, it helps to be honest and authentic, to admit I do not know something. Another advice for anxiety or intrusive thoughts is to be focused on good things and ignore the bad. It does not work if Complex Trauma is present. And I think I found out why. It is because of leech. It is an external factor that is the hidden problem. In panic, it is easy to not be clear and objective, so our fears make decisions and explain the reality through cognitive distortions, immature ego defense mechanism and thinking traps. I learned when all these are cleared up - the hurt is still present. When you can't shake it off, when you can't let it go and after you followed all the advice - this is a sign there is a leech stuck. Manipulators use toxic shame to control other people. This shame is not only direct, it does not come out only through words and actions, it gets stuck in our psyche with inner collaborators like inner critic. Our inner saboteur is allowing others to hurt us. Or if we are living in a matrix, a simulation and if we are avatars - this leech theory explains the hypnosis, why intrusive thoughts persist. It is because the character, the destiny is made up that way. So if we look at persistent emotional dysregulation as a thorn, it is easier to pluck it out. Realizing that we are unable to control our destiny, giving up the control, paradoxically makes us relaxed - and according to the Polyvagal Theory, relaxed state is natural state, it is being resilient to stress, to fight, flight, freeze response. When something bugs me, and it stays with me, and I can't let it go - and I am aware of the grudge and pouting - and I still can't stop ruminating - this is a sign that I am not the one who is broadcasting this uncomfortable feelings. It is external. And I think that I am the problem because advice given is that other people can't control me, that no one can hurt me without my approval. This works with normal human beings who enter conflicts and confrontations sometimes. This works for normal civilized human beings with empathy installed. There are psychopaths out there that are abusing dark forces, dark sources and the unknown in order to hurt other people around them. If I recognize this, I can be more resilient. I no longer do not need to be super kind, too kind and see everyone as equal. Bad people exploit kind people, they exploit unwritten rules and turn the kindness against the people. That is their secret.
(24.8.2021)
Fears are making reality fuzzy, the priorities meshed up. For example, instead of care free decisions, there are double checking and focus is on people pleasing, approval. Checking up if nobody is hurt. Who would I be without fears and being stuck up, without rumination?
Anxiety also makes hypnosis - being guided by urgent psychosis messages, orders and command, without realizing why I made certain decision, action other than fear. It is as if self preservation is the only thing that is important, my ego. As if I am too important. So ego defense mechanism makes target believe that the situation they are experiencing is very dangerous, life threatening. And that in the same time life is hopeless, yet safety must be preserved, which is paradox and contradictory and counterintuitive. It is because amygdala takes over the brain. I got no other solution than calm down, gather all information, refrain from making sudden, quick, altering actions without taking all things into consideration. Otherwise I will be guided by fear, psychosis, frenzy, which is devastating if my self worth is already low due to Complex Trauma, past traumas, and I have no identity, my happiness being dependent upon other people approval, fawning as instinctual response to anything. When I do not know what is going on, I see other people and latch onto them like a leech, so their emotions are stuck inside me like a leech, because I do not trust myself to stand my ground, I proclaim other people like center of my gravity.
When I watch movies like Meatballs or Hollywood Knights - which are non realistic teen/adolescent mocking, similar to abuse I experienced when my social anxiety started, I can see my fears from a different angle. I realize I take things too seriously, and that other people do not hate me to the core, they are weird themselves. And that I can talk back. I have serious issue with being faced with impossible situation - someone extremely rude, and I think it is connected to trauma in my early teen years when I started to avoid and when I decided to isolate myself. I see that I see others superior and I shut up, while I should not. I see others words too important, and this makes me scared and dependent on their actions, words and opinions. I do not trust myself to be and do what I want, I rely on other people approval.
In social situations fear make me feel ambiguity and I see others as as automatic support, I see others as grounding because I have no self worth. This means I see automatically everyone as friend and friendly, which is dangerous because I let myself be exploited and easily abused, since I drop boundaries, and I allow them to rule over. And consequently I am afraid of confrontation and negative reactions if I react to something that I do not like. Due to fear I do not see myself as relevant, I do not think it through and thus I do not see that I put others on pedestal. So this is something I need to manage in social situations, with social anxiety I automatically respond as I have no self worth and I see others as guide and as my friend and someone I can't get angry with or tell no.
Social Avoidance Disorder is sometimes mistaken for Social Anxiety Disorder or Social Phobia. The difference between an anxiety disorder or social phobia and an avoidant personality disorder has to do with the nature of personality disorders. A personality disorder is a lifelong pattern of behavior that causes problems with work and personal relationships. The fact that this is a lifelong pattern of behavior makes treatment extremely difficult.
The symptoms of avoidant personality disorder include lifelong patterns of behavior such as:
1. Social phobia with enormous anxiety about being around other people.
2. Extreme shyness.
3. Feelings of inadequacy and sensitivity to rejection and criticism.
4. Choosing loneliness and isolation instead of risking connecting to other people.
5. Extreme sensitivity to criticism and shame when criticized.
6. Avoiding criticism more than anything else.
7. Choosing social isolation as a way to avoid criticism.
8. Avoiding making eye contact at work or elsewhere.
9. Avoiding saying anything at work or elsewhere.
10. The avoidant individual is on the lookout for any signs of disapproval from others. This type of vigilant appraisal of others may even have a paranoid flavor to it but has more to do with the overpowering wish to protect themselves against ridicule, derision, and humiliation.
https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/shame-and-avoidant-personality-disorder/
(29.8.2021)
I connect my mistakes, shortcomings, flaws, bad luck, misfortune and sheer circumstances as punishment. I see it as a sign that I am bad. That is illness. Then I feel bad, depressive and shameful, that is toxic shame. So I got to be aware of feeling bad - where does it come from. I noticed due to stress, I change into fawning, freeze mode as response to fears, and I have short amnesia, I forget all advice and helpful tips and inspirational quotes, but I remember to trauma bond, this is not erased. I depend on how someone feels about me, especially negative. That is social anxiety, being acutely aware of someone criticism. So why talk about anything else, this is the hotspot. Inability to withstand criticism.
Labels play a role in how I perceive reality. If I see myself as over sensitive, I respond automatically as being sensitive, what is expected that I fulfill this role. I respond automatically to the past role, without thinking. This is also part of being in a vacuum and hanging on to familiar and previously used resources. I copy paste, even if it is not functional.
Urge to hide from potential criticism is triggered by toxic shame, and toxic shame is hidden under obligations, history, being a nice guy, my idea of image to maintain. Under shoulds, never, always. Belief that I must be good. Conviction that I should not argue due to image or it will be too painful. That I must be interesting. That others must accept me, that I must be the center of attention or it means that I am worthless. That I must shut up, be silent, never repeat myself. That I should not voice out, yell, be rude back.
It is about being ok with my mistakes. That I accept being stupid. That I do not seek others, and observe it as addiction if I do. It is about not seeing others as superior. It is about realization that I am allowed to make mistakes, that I am allowed to be natural, authentic, and that I can stop hiding and avoiding. This means to stop waiting to be perfect and strong, I am allowed to be undone and to not hide it, to be spontaneous and admitting my flaws.
Great part in distortion plays the voice, an inner critic, fears, flashbacks, compulsions - that project hurt, pain, fears as specific orders - usually to hide, to run away, that I am ugly, wrong, dirty, that I should hide away from people, that I do not measure up, that I am in danger from others. And I believe those thoughts, I take it seriously and I trust them as believing all that, that I am in immediate danger. As if I am too important, or the pain is too painful, that I can't handle the hurt and I must protect myself, that the worst case scenario is about to play out.
This means that when I feel fear, I will imagine someone mocking me - I should continue doing my thing. I will imagine that my haircut is funny and ugly, that my clothes are cheap and dirty or not acceptable - I should not care about it. External factor are people who are actually saying these things and mock others, bully others - I should not trust those people, I should not take them for granted, as reference point, I should not believe them automatically. It is about expressing myself and accepting my mistakes, stumbling words, awkwardness.
So the only solution to social anxiety, avoidance and Complex Trauma wound is overcoming resentment. In my mind I perceive reality as dangerous and antagonistic. Ego-centrism is being in state of irritation, and I am focused too much, too close to a problem. I am convinced that I can solve the unsolvable, and in the same time I feel that I must be perfect, that I should not do anything wrong, and toxic shame emits strong embarrassment feelings. Those are all lies. I think I must be strong and I must not be seen in a wrong way. This makes me to hide - which is illness. Withdrawal and isolation are not healthy as a default response to anything. I would not use the word ignore for this, because it is not about not reacting and pretending there is no problem. It is about changing the focus - instead of being centered on a problem - it is about perceiving and soaking the whole perspective around it. From my avoidant perspective, I use antagonism in a wrong way. It seems to me like a just cause to hold grudge. That I must get even and I should feel inept if I don't fight back, I feel embarrassed if someone criticize me to be spineless or weak. These comments are coming from mentally ill people. It is about accepting my weakness and fears, that paradoxically will give me courage to react and alert - something that I was not able to do with antagonistic attitude inside.
“People reveal themselves completely only when they are thrown out of the customary conditions of their life.” Leonardo da Vinci
YT What Is Learned Helplessness
Subjected to adverse and painful stimulus that they could not escape. Eventually dog tries to avoid stimulus, and behave as if completely helpless to avoid or change situation, even when opportunities to escape were present. After long term exposure to this painful stimulus dog accept and believe that there is not anything they can do about it even when it was obvious they can get out. This behaviour can occur in human beings when person feel they have no control over situation.
At the core of narcissistic abuse is psychological and emotional abuse. So victims are exposed to enormous amounts of being told they are worthless, they can make it, abuse it their fault, shift blame onto victim, gaslight them, they are responsible party. With repetitive and long term exposure, this doesn't happen over night. Eventually victim has to give up on defending themselves, in order to survive, accept the narrative that narcissist is feeding them. Become dependent on narcissist to tell us what is true, what is real and what is happening. Person explanatory style may have something to do with it. Explaining events help determine will person develop - if the person has generally pessimistic explanatory style, they have negative outlook to events that happened in their life these people tend to view inevitable events as unescapable and unavoidable. That can have an impact on whether they develop this condition. Narcissistic abuse and complex ptsd go hand in hand. One of the most devastating consequences of being exposed to this level of prolong abuse is birth of inner critic. Many Internalize abusers voice as their own and maintain dialogue that is abusive. Unworthy, at fault, too stupid, they will talk to themselves in this manner. So much of healing from complex ptsd involves eliminating this inner critic and replacing it with loving and kind inner dialogue.
(3.9.2021)
Manipulation and Social anxiety.
Social anxiety/avoidance is fear of criticism. Due to Complex Trauma, childhood survivors of narcissistic environment learned to automatically obey to authority and never question it. This sets us up for manipulation later in life. Some people will manipulate on purpose because they are psychopaths. They know people carry with them shame and guilt, from their childhoods, so they use it against other people. They scan potential victims and simply start to shame and guilt tripping others - and other people agree with them and obey them. Other accusers are not psychopaths per se, but they are either carried by ideology or personal hurt and they unwittingly hurt and manipulate others. Both types are consciously or unconsciously exploit psychology of hurt people, people who were raised in toxic shame. It is because in their accusation they will tell 1% of truth and 99% will be lies.
So their target will follow unwritten social rules and norms and childhood programming - and they will be fair and confess this 1%, without knowing - that they agree with 99% of lies. And abusers will use confession for abuse, manipulation and control.
My sense of right and wrong is distorted, it is raised too high. It tries to match the messages from trauma and psychopaths. This is connected to cognitive distortions, what I should be. This is why we agree with that 1%. And our fears shut us up. We do not fight back. We do not explain. The abuser simply can shout and yell and throw temper tantrum - and we will obey, because of that 1%, we feel we can't fight the truth. It is important not to self-censor and explain everything. To keep on explaining, never shut up if they accuse us in our faces. This self-censorship should not be abused as a way to nag and complain because that is draining and unfair to put misery on other people. There are many unfairness in the world - it is exhausting to listen to it, it is negative, energy draining to listen to complaints and nagging - even when they are true.
On the other hand - when someone is telling us in our face, they argue and accuse - this is a sign that communication channel is opened and we should not shut up. Our shame makes us to shut up. Out adopted social norms make us to shut up. Our need to be good and kind make us to shut up. This unwritten etiquette of good social behaviour is what psychopaths are using against their targets. Manipulator will always use small percentage of truth to make their bias and fallacies the truth - but we should react to the large portion of information that is untrue, lie and trap.
Social anxiety plays crucial link in all this - because of sensitivity to criticism. The criticism hurts because there is some truth, and we shut up, this silence is painful. In our past we were made silent and made our defenses silenced. This is the pattern of silence that what we repeat in adulthood. It is based on past abuse and toxic shame. Our fears and state of agitation make us shut up also, because we are too afraid to say something, because we were raised to never yell back. It is not about screaming at all - we can simply state our opinion and our side, our truth. We repeat the pattern of shutting up and this is damaging in so many ways - it ruins our confidence.
For example - Twitter and Facebook now have notifications if you made some transgression. If you post some link, they may accuse you of you being spammer. Then they do something that abusers, manipulators and psychopaths never do - they ask you do you agree? With toxic shame, a person may agree, because there is small truth - I did put link, but I cannot agree that this was spam. So I do not agree. Person with toxic shame might agree with accusation in order to avoid conflict, to avoid imagined long term argument or court setting, or they think it is not worth to fight, or that it doesn't matter. But if you agree, you are put in position of being blacklisted, there are consequences. The same thing happens in real life - except the "do you agree" part. Manipulators will never ask this question. They come from the position they are telling truth, that their view is the only one valid - and people with external referencing and introjection will go along easily with others, since trauma bonding hypnotize us into nodding and going along with other people who show any positive or negative attention to us.
Fact, TWITTER:
Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.
Fact, TWITTER:
People who are too happy don’t see the warning signs of dangerous people or situations and are more willing to trust when they shouldn't.
Fact, TWITTER:
Some people are actually afraid of being too happy because they think something tragic is going to happen soon. This is known as Cherophobia
conspiracybot, TWITTER:
You have enemies? Good. That means you stood up for something.
AristotleQuots, TWITTER:
Happiness depends upon ourselves.
(5.9.2021)
Social anxiety is intolerance of criticism. I do criticize others myself and I am not aware I am doing it. When I feel confident no one will attack me, online, I don't feel threatened and I criticize without considering others. In person I use passive aggressive strategies. But I do not see it as I am hurting others - those who I see non threatening. Realizing this I break false belief that I am good person and others are rude. cognitive distortion black and white thinking, to blame others to be toxic.
I can be rude, too. But I see it as crusade, as being wronged by others. This is what drives other rude people to be rude. They feel wronged, too. This gives change of perspective - to ease up anxiety and fears from other's criticism.
1) They feel physically and psychologically comfortable enough to attack others. They don't feel their target will retaliate. They are unaware they are jerks to others.
2) They have a proof or a reason to be mad at their target and they use it up, they exploit it to be angry and aggressive.
This gives me enough information to deal with criticism:
1) Make them aware they are cruel.
2) They generalize their damage and blame the target for everything. I can make them aware of larger problem not associated to their scapegoated target.
So I can express sincere apology if I made mistake, and explain it was not done on purpose. But also I have to choice to explain if I agree with accusations, instead of automatic fawning and admittion whatever they say.
When I shut up and when I self-censor I take the responsibility for their perspective of damage done - even if it is not under my supervision and even if they over-exaggerate. I don't say this part out loud and this is causing damage both inside me and in other person. Inside me because I feel shame, inept and guilty. And in them because they live in delusion, and they make me the target for their future abuse. Also, this means that I am not that good and pure as I believe when around rude people. I also can be unreasonable and appear rude without thinking about other people. It happens when other people do not threaten me, when I know they are too weak to talk back or do anything that would hurt me.
This is what bullies see in me to allow them to bully me - they see me as weak, as the easy target. As people pleaser I think I can change someone's mind if I show them kindness and niceness through fawning and taking the blame automatically. I can't. They have resentment and grudge inside. They will be arrogant and rude as long as I shut up and keep quiet, as long as I do not pinpoint and voice out the elephant in the room.
This also tells me - what is my responsibility. I take too much of it on myself, as burden. Other people who criticize will blame me for things out of my control. That is crossing boundaries. If I shut up, I let them believe they are true, and they will continue their blame and to be aggressive because they believe they are correct, and their blame is targeted on me, even if I am not guilty. Truth must be said. If I know the truth, if I see the elephant in the room - I have to say it. It will shock others, they will be disappointed because I shattered their easy solution delusion fallacy and biases, they might even reject it, but they do not matter anyway. The truth is the only important. They might even blame me for being rude, aggressive - but I can still tell the truth: that I am being honest and authentic. If I do not attack, curse others and shame them, it is not abuse. If I am not the one who starts the brawl, it is not me who is abusive and aggressive.
So the problem is behind my explanation, rationalization and my reason why I shut up. For one, I am not aware of dynamics that other person is incorrect. I immediately take anything from others as truth. This is because I learned in the past to fawn as automatic response when I feel uncomfortable. If I tried to do something on my own, I would be shamed and attacked for making mistakes - and I learned I must be perfect and others do it better - as child I could not understand that they (others) have done this thing before and now they are experts because of history of doing it, not because they are naturally better than me. But others will ashame me and pinpoint me that I am stupid and be rude to me, without taking in consideration that I do something for the first time so I do not know enough not to make mistakes, or that I lack repetitiveness mechanics or enough information to perform without mistakes. Problem is not criticism, it is toxicity behind it, when criticism is used as mean to shame, control and abuse others. Constructive criticism should be welcomed, as a way to learn, to get new information. I can't be perfect and perform without mistakes at first. These are all elephant in the rooms that must be said out, as truths. I think other person knows this so it is useless to speak it out. They don't know. I think that other person cares and it is best not to speak out the obvious truth. They don't care. That is also elephant in the room - to speak out that other person don't know everything and that they don't care. They know only about their issue and care only for themselves.
So I got to be in a mentality to accept mistakes and be willing to make mistakes deliberately (as part of healing for intrusive thoughts).
External reference make me look to others for other people approval and fearing the consequences, but I expect to be hurt bad, to experience pain. I act as if other people hold gun to my head and make me their slave and that I am under clear and present danger of other people's mercy. While in reality, they don't, they can't make me anything, in reality. There is no gun.
(7.9.2021)
Conflict and confrontation are clues to social anxiety. Due to severe wounds from wrong learned lessons in childhood, other people criticism is interpreted as dangerous and annoyance. From anxiety point of view other people appear rude and aggressive without valid reason and this is scary. One on hand feeling other's anger is not being ego-centric, but not being aware why this person is angry is ego-centric. Ego-centrism can be cracked here when we imagine ourselves trying to defend our point. This is hard to understand for avoidants because avoidants avoid defending themselves, social anxiety shut people up and self-censor themselves. So the big realization would be to understand others who are argumentative and loud and obnoxious are simply doing the explanation and trying to defend themselves. From anxiety point of view this appears as manipulation, hurt, causing pain, negative event. This is what fears are trying to distort the reality, this is why it is important to always objectively evaluate anything around us. People are creating shortcuts in their mind and they create biases and fallacies all the time. Some people are more dumb and they lean on the left side of Dunning–Kruger effect scale. So them being angry and loud is not the proof they are correct, valid or stronger - it is red flag they are scared and make no sense of reality when presented with new information and truth that is hard to process for them.
This applies to social anxiety information, too. I noticed that people who have no idea what social anxiety and avoidance is, they talk from their experience and they spread half or partial information that is not applicable and doesn't help, yet they spread "helpful" tips anyway. Or in general, for example information on Twitter such as:
Fact, TWITTER:
'You'll never live a happy life if you always care about what others think about you.'
Which is not true, since blocking something requires energy and there is still focus to care about something, only in negative way. If I read and inform myself, I can recognize that the concept they try to convey here is Intrinsical Value - so I can engage in argument and talk it out, my point of view. This is what "dumb" people do also - they don't understand something and they try to fit into their partial point of view - but the difference is that person who is more knowledgeable will explain their views without throwing fits, without anger, without temper tantrum.
Social anxiety is condition with low self worth, so other people are seen as superior, more knowledgeable, better and stronger in anything - so it is helpful to realize that we are more knowledgeable in some areas, and if we have knowledge, experience and opinion, it is up to us to remind ourselves if the other person reacts loud and obnoxiously, it is not a sign they are correct and better - it is a sign they are wrong, scared and probably dumb and socially inept. It is completely opposite than what our social anxiety tells us about other people. Social anxiety interprets other people as smarter, cleverer, more cunning and better in anything. This is because of our avoidance and unwillingness to face certain fears, and our inner critic is using these fears to toxically ashame us into submission and belief we are unworthy, inept and totally incompetent for life, including socializing and arguing with people. But keeping quiet and soothing other people through people pleasing and fawning will not make them love us, they will not accept us, they will not forgive us our mistakes, they will not realize their wrongdoings and bullying and they will not stop by themselves - if they exhibit such psycho-pathological anti-social behaviour.
You would not take my opinion seriously because I don't know anything about it.
It is impossible for anyone to know all about you. Realize people approval and disapproval is projection and speculation, whatever they say about you is ultimately about them. Stop taking it so damn seriously.
YT Julien Blanc On Why NOBODY Can Approve Or Disapprove Of You! (Stop Caring What People Think)
I noticed that there is a lot of self contempt hidden underneath that I am not aware of at all. No wonder there is no self worth. I see myself as bullies see me. I attack myself as bullies do. And I do it without being aware that I am doing it. This self hate is hidden and it is destructive. It's because it turns into not being able to rely on myself, nor I believe myself that I am good and capable to do things, and that I am comfortable with my mistakes or shortcomings and my weaknesses. I think that dark shadow means to accept dark parts that are related to things I find scary - being aggressive, arrogant and rude - but dark shadow is also being weak. I reject those parts, too and I am not aware that I am doing this rejection and that I have those parts. From my perspective other people comments and criticism hurts me - but I am not aware that I despise myself in those areas, too. Other people pinpoint areas that I reject in myself, and this is painful. It is embarrassing and shameful experience. If I see it objectively, I would realize how I am abusing myself, as I was in my childhood by belittling parts of myself, being too harsh and too critical, expecting If I am not capable to be ideal strong figure, what can I do, feel sorry for myself - what good that would do? Hating myself will not bring anything good, I will not change and become better just by hating parts of myself that I find disgusting and unacceptable.
Fawning makes me being stuck in other people standards. I reject myself, I see myself as worthless and wrong by default due to toxic shame, so naturally I turn to others for approval, guidance and naturally other people emotions, decisions, opinions, words and approval is critical how I feel, decide, hold opinion, words I speak out and feel good about myself, it is depended on others because I unknowingly hate and despise myself.
(9.9.2021)
There are manipulators and narcissists out there, especially in toxic places, and the only way to put boundaries it to be rude to them. This is hard for anxious people, who are already feeling dread, fears and blockages simply by being alive and being out there. It is hard to confront. And this is the reason why seemingly "normal" people are rude. They try to defend themselves by engaging in drama. For socially anxious person, this drama will appear flat.The conflict, argument will appear generalized - as if it is coming from aggressive and rude source. But it isn't. Sometimes good people are being hurt by bad people and they react to them, if they don't, they would be exploited by bad people. This rudeness appears as if the whole world is negative and toxic and that there should not be any arguments, conflicts and confrontations. Without speaking up and confronting the corruption, the evil will take root. So being peaceful and good and nice is toxic, too. It provides breeding ground for toxic and evil people. It will appear as someone is jerk, evil, dangerous, psychopath, but in reality they are defending themselves. This is what trauma does - cognitive distortion of generalization. It appears as if everybody who displays negative emotions - that they hate me and hat is is connected with me personally and that I should fix it, if not - that I should shut up. And this is where it gets complicated. Some people are rude, but I do not see the difference. Some people deserve to be warned in extreme ways that might appear as aggression, but anxious person will also generalize this, too. So anxious people will build up resentment, especially if they are being told by other people that they are being pushover, that they are being exploited and that they should stand up for themselves. This builds up to over-reaction and it might lead to being hyper-critical to everyone, nagging, complaining and criticizing others if they appear they exploit. And most probably, due to fears and previous experiences, the real troublemakers will be ignored, while cowardly only easy targets will be targeted in crusade campaign. It will turn out embarrassing, exactly what social anxious person tries to avoid. This probably happened to many social anxiety sufferers, they tried to work out conflict in their past, and it ended up embarrassing due to over-reaction and failed to confront the true target.
So the feeling of being used and exploited and used and taken advantage should be taken under review. People in social settings naturally interact with others, and they may ask favours, this is how bonds are being made. It is easy to misplace and mislabel these "favours" as act of manipulators. And since generalization is common cognitive distortion, it is easy to fall into trap of being over-reactive and hurt innocent people by blaming and accusing them of being jerks.
So this is double binding for social anxiety and avoidance and trauma victims. We know there are manipulators out there, we know we must defend ourselves, but in the same time, we are to be both sociable and aggressive. In the same time we must be friendly and being rude to others. We have to be carefree and yet hypervigilant in order not to get tricked. We need to be and appear light and comfortable, trustful and calm, relaxed, cool - and yet in the same time we have to be on constant lookout and be in control of not being duped by others. These two stated cannot exist in the same time, and we are expected to be superhumans somehow and be sociable. Social anxiety is reaction to being exploited and hurt, it is protective mechanism. It is a way to appear cool and protective in the same time. Avoid people yet desire contact with them. That makes it unhealthy, because it makes person isolate and yet in the same time to be open for others, even for manipulators and exploiters who appear friendly and giving attention and their energy and time.
I think solution lies in being ok by being embarrassed, because being fool will happen anyway, it is realistic to make mistakes and blunders. It will happen no matter how hard I try no to. So it is about coming to terms that it is ok being used and exploited, to be and appear weak - especially if these are my true values. If I believe in not hurting other people - the byproduct is that I will experience situations where people will exploit me. These values are problem, too. Perhaps, those basic values need revision, too. My basic value is based on my experiences and painful events. So I experience shame, guilt and feeling embarrassment simply by being out there - so I think other people should not feel these uncomfortable feelings - so my basic value is to protect others from being uncomfortable. This value is not realistic. Some people, as I call it external factor - are abnormal and they do not process emotions the same way as I do. Some people enjoy hurting others. Some people don't care at all about others. These kind of people deserve embarrassment, these people should absolutely under no circumstance be protected from pain, public humiliation, embarrassment - because these are tools how to control narcissists and psychopaths. This is why I think social anxious people received the wrong messages. Toxic shame was directed to sociopaths, and it was misdirected and used against good kind normal people - and this misdirected shame turned them into socially anxious people.
With social anxiety I think all people are good and nice and they should be protected from scorn, because I was ashamed once. This thinking will produce bullies and spoiled people, because this scorn was intended for them to shape up. It was not intended for anxiety ridden people. And this repeats, it is being repeated every time when someone criticizes, this is why SAD people anxiously react to criticism. This means instead of automatic hiding, shutting up and feeling scared, I can react in different manner to criticism, if I see it for example as false - I can speak up and defend myself. Or if I see it as silly, I can ignore it with peace of mind, without usual rumination and worry, and trying to apologize and trying to fix, displaying desperate urge to people please - or running away and hide, isolating myself.
If someone is extremely rude and aggressive, my social anxiety will freeze me, and toxic messages such as toxic masculinity would tell me that I must be strong and take the abuse, to be stoic about it - while in reality, shutting up and taking the abuse only makes it valid, stronger and to be repeated again. If my fear is to run - I should run away, leave the place without worrying what someone will think or say or comment. If my fear is to run and hide - I should stay.
So if my values are to be friendly - this must include alerting and alarming others when they are unfriendly. My value of being friendly caused byproducts of being pushover, being too nice, getting exploited, taking the abuse, people please. But in the same time I would built resentments and sulk if someone appears as non cooperative. So my values should be realistic, that I will be exploited sometimes, that I should expect this to happen, so that I do not attack myself for being exposed to negative people, it is something that is outside of my control.
Social anxiety and avoidance comes down to not quit, to be active, but not to be around toxic people. I should eliminate the time and energy, so that I am not too friendly just for the sake of being sociable. My inner critic will tell me that I must worry about what someone thinks about me and their opinion is important. This is where toxic shame are using cognitive distortion and social anxiety as a tool to make me feel shame. Inner critic will insist that I am valuable and worthy if I am accepted by everyone, so I must please everyone around. It will produce incredible amount of shame and unworthiness if I reject someone or confront someone - so I put myself in position of people pleaser and pushover through toxic shame and inner critic and trauma flashbacks.
I feel bad for jerks because I imagine they are scared like me, so I want to spare them embarrassment and that they do not feel the same fears as I do. Exploiters will use this urge not to hurt, they will make pretend they are being victims and wounded and they will plead that they are being hurt. This is why it is important to gather information about what is really going on. It is important to be objective and realistic.
Identifying Rules for Living
you are defining what you have to do or be in order to feel good about yourself, and what your self-esteem depends on. The chances are that these standards are demanding and unrealistic.
If someone criticizes me, then it means I have failed.
Nothing I do is worthwhile unless it is recognized by others.
Try to find out what exactly you mean by these vague words. What's "terrible" about mistakes? If I did make one, what then? What is the worst that could happen? What would the consequences be?
What do I mean be "unbearable"? If I imagine being rejected, what exactly comes to mind? What do I envisage happening? How do I think I would feel? How long?
Instead of searching immediately for alternatives to your thoughts, ask yourself "Supposing that were true, what would it mean to me?" "And supposing that were true, what would it mean to me?" And again. Until you discover the general underlying rule that makes sense of your thoughts and feelings. "What would that mean to you?"
Assessing the Impact of Your Rules for Living
What have you missed out on. What restrictions has it placed on you? How has it undermined your freedom to appreciate yourself?
Your aim is to find new rules which will encourage you to adopt more realistic standards for yourself and help you to get what you want out of life.
Discovering it is still possible to feel good about yourself even if you are less than perfect, even if some people dislike and disapprove of you, or out of control.
When people are anxious they are apt to think that, if the worst should happen, there will be nothing they can do to prevent it or make it manageable.
You take precautions to protect yourself, to stop the worst from happening. The precautions actually prevent you from discovering for real whether your anxious predictions have any true foundation.
"Overcoming low self-esteem", Melanie Fennel
(11.9.2021)
I have hard time enduring unfair criticism and pretending it didn't happen and it didn't bother me. It did. It hurts. And what I do when I feel weak - I shut up. I do not over react outside. I over react inside. I don't throw temper tantrum. Instead I try to be nice and obey and smile. It depends on criticism, what it is all about. Is it mocking out of boredom or is it about task being done, that I can't do perfectly.
Then there is unsuspecting conclusions when I am aware of the hidden facts about social anxiety. It seems that I should enforce avoidance and all particularities that I feel urge not to do it because of social norms and outside voices "of reason". For example, if I do not feel welcomed and easy and comfortable around someone, this is probably picking up some energy from people there who are successful at putting on a mask and make pretend their persona to others. In this case I should avoid if I feel toxicity emanating from them. This does not goes for particular situations - like job or task to be done, or security or finances, that have higher priority. Also this does not mean I should generalize avoiding strategy to every aspect of life, just to avoid hurt and pain from toxic people, because it is not reasonable to spend my life in hiding. So I think if someone has social anxiety and avoidance issues, there should be assessment of environment, where these people live, with whom they are in contact. And this gives clues about strategies in life - either to be honest, authentic with people - to point out elephant in the room and to change environment if the environment is continuously toxic for daily life.
From that perspective, the messages such as you are being oversensitive, or you should be social are in fact gaslighting, a form of control. And this is external reference - that we rely on others to tell us and define for us what we are willing to put up with.
Anxiety makes social anxiety sufferers lump all rudeness in one general, constant attack. This means from the perspective of someone with CPTSD, anything that looks and appears similar to the past abuse will be perceived as personal attack. So the healing would be realization that other people do not automatically hate me just because they appear rude, angry, loud, obnoxious. I could give them a shadow of doubt, see things from other perspective, go along as they request if it is reasonable, but in the same time to be frank, authentic - as suppose fear response, usual and habitual response to shut up, self censor and engage in inferiority complex.
My mistakes, shortcomings or decisions and actions that seem unfavorable for some people - I see all of them too harshly, I have toxic shame explanations about them and I feel embarrassed about them. Unless I see it from somewhere outside that someone did the same thing, I may start to believe I have done good. But by default, if anyone is opposed I belittle myself and feel shame. That is people pleasing. And it is connected to social anxiety because I am self conscious, I don't feel at easy, and I feel guilty anything I do, especially if it is criticized in any way.
CPTSD Foundation, TWITTER:
Create vivid pictures of attainable futures that are safer, friendlier, and more prosperous
Words, TWITTER:
Accept that you aren’t special to some people and move on.
Philosophy Tweet, TWITTER:
He who cannot obey himself is commanded. - Nietzsche
wikipedia:
SAD is sometimes referred to as an illness of lost opportunities where "individuals make major life choices to accommodate their illness"
wiki
They may feel overly self-conscious, pay high self-attention after the activity, or have high performance standards for themselves.
After the event, they may have the perception that they performed unsatisfactorily. Consequently, they will perceive anything that may have possibly been abnormal as embarrassing. These thoughts may extend for weeks or longer.
Those with social phobia tend to interpret neutral or ambiguous conversations with a negative outlook and many studies suggest that socially anxious individuals remember more negative memories than those less distressed.
Social anxiety disorder is a persistent fear of one or more situations in which the person is exposed to possible scrutiny by others and fears that they may do something or act in a way that will be humiliating or embarrassing.
According to psychologist B. F. Skinner, phobias are controlled by escape and avoidance behaviors.
A 2006 study found that the area of the brain called the amygdala, part of the limbic system, is hyperactive when patients are shown threatening faces or confronted with frightening situations. They found that patients with more severe social phobia showed a correlation with the increased response in the amygdala.
People with SAD avoid situations that most people consider "normal". They may have a hard time understanding how others can handle these situations so easily. People with SAD avoid all or most social situations and hide from others, which can affect their personal relationships. Social phobia can completely remove people from social situations due to the irrational fear of these situations.
People with SAD feel good when they avoid human interactions.
SAD shows a high degree of co-occurrence with other psychiatric disorders.
Growing up with overprotective and hypercritical parents has also been associated with social anxiety disorder.
In China, research has indicated that shy-inhibited children are more accepted than their peers and more likely to be considered for leadership and considered competent, in contrast to the findings in Western countries.
Individuals with social anxiety disorder have been found to have a hypersensitive amygdala; for example in relation to social threat cues (e.g. perceived negative evaluation by another person), angry or hostile faces.
A 2007 meta-analysis also found that individuals with social anxiety had hyperactivation in the amygdala and insula areas which are frequently associated with fear and negative emotional processing.
(17.9.2021)
Alternative explanation to social anxiety and avoidance - sixth sense. I sense other people and it appears as fears in my mind, as intrusive thoughts, while in reality it is simply that someone is observing me, being neutral or curious. Or that I accept anxiety as hints and message from the other dimensions. Also, anxiety may come up as alert, sensing and seeing through liars and exploiters. Therefore, anxiety is multidimensional, and if I interpret it from fears, I lump it all together into one giant ball of fear. Instead of trying to discern, trying to see it from other position, other than danger only. Or there is connection between social anxiety and larger social issues which explain why this disorder is not studied. Through social anxiety, people can be controlled easily. Toxic shame is tool to control other people, probably the best tool because toxic shame is invisible and pervasive, it spreads quickly and easily. And social anxiety as a way to control large masses can be used in politics, by a corrupt government or through organized groups or institutions. Managing social anxiety is learning how to disobey authority and this would not be encouraged in corrupt and authoritarian countries. After all, the first sit-com about social anxiety was made a few years ago. Articles about social anxiety totally ignore PTSD and external factor. It is shunned from public eyes, there are no documentaries about it, even though it is complex topic and information about social anxiety would help people who suffer from shyness or lack of confidence. It is as if society wants to keep people obedient to authority and if you want specific information how to lower empathy, you must invest significant time and energy to find the cure for social anxiety.
To catch people pleasing, fawning - when I need to alarm and alert someone, what thoughts do I get to self-censor myself? I try not to look like a fool. I try no to rock the boat. There is also self-belief that I must be good and kind person and perceived as such by all people - which is obviously unrealistic when I put it written down like this.
The official psychiatric sources describe social anxiety with two mislabeling concepts: 1) social skills and 2) rejection. Social skills are not needed, people with social anxiety already had them. Instead, the concept behind lack of social skills is lack of skills that handle and manage narcissism (sudden and unprovoked attacks), skills that deal with verbal and emotional abuse. As for rejection, it implies being left alone - which people with social anxiety would like to happen - instead, the concept behind rejection is toxic shaming.
This current way of describing social anxiety pet peeves, it creates additional damage because 1) for social skills - the target will develop fawning by listening to the official advice. The target will think that they lack saying hello at the right moment, and will end up thanking the others too many times, being forcefully pleasant, while in reality most people lack basic social skills. In fact, it is abnormal to have social skills in society that mocks and bullies anything that is different than given standard of the group. 2) the official advice that fear from rejection is abnormal, the target will choose to stay in abusive relationships and abusive situations, because the official advice implies that the target is over-sensitive and imagining the abuse. In reality, people who are kind and nice, and who avoid conflict will attract abusers like moth to a flame. So this advice is also detrimental. Both are mislabeling and this producing new damage that would not exist if target is not advised in the wrong direction.
And this is a great proof that external referencing can be damaging, the other people are not perfect and they can make serious mistakes, that otherwise individual would not make.
Ignoring factor - the official advice, well-meaning advice from people who listen to people with social anxiety will often tell them to ignore bullies. This advice is dangerous. Ignoring works with sane, healthy people who occasionally over-react and act like toxic people. People with social anxiety attract bullies, abusers and narcissists because of kindness and shutting up to abuse, and being afraid not to rock the boat thus making them perfect ground for manipulators. Ignoring will not work in the cycle of abuse.
People with social anxiety put too much focus on the negative. Especially in retrospective, when thinking about the even. The good times are forgotten - and in the cycle of abuse there is honeymoon phase or neutral phase, where there are no abuse and toxic shaming. This periods glue abuse together with the target and it is used by abusers to gaslight the victim - be convincing them they had a good treatment and that they over-react. I noticed that in abusive environments, these periods of calm before the storm are shorter when the abuse is more intensive. Also, these periods of normality, calm, neutrality and humour - honeymoon phase - is a great motivator to overcome fears and anxiety. This is also trick and secret why "normal" people react differently than socially anxious people. "Normal" people do not spend time over-emphasizing the bad and negative moments, they can easily forget about it and they can easily stay focused on happy moments - or neutral ones.
And this is where official psychiatry fails - they fail to connect the abuse and abusive relationships. If you must be deliberately reminded of the good times, and if you must use humour, then the problem are bad situations and bad people. The lack of skills that official sources try to explain is about managing narcissistic manipulation and abuse. It is about alarming and alerting the other person. The most devastating effect of social anxiety is keeping quiet when being judged harshly and unfairly. Not being able to voice out the elephant in the room, which even may be issue of temporary mutism. It is about staying in abusive relationships just for the fear of not appearing rude or unstable - that is so damaging for the target. Skills for handling the manipulators would explain why socially anxious people are gullible and romantically and deludedly expect that other person will somehow become sane and healthy if they reason enough with them.
The lack of skills that is explained by official sources as something that socially anxious person must develop - is wrong turn. Modern society abandoned social rules in 1950s, and everyone is allowed to express themselves any way they want, there are no rules. So social skills is trying to fit in into someone's concept of rules, of particular group or abusive person that over-reacts to errors, mistakes and shortcomings that could be easily dismissed as flukes, or totally non important. So the problem is the person who instigates the rules. If possible, every time some person is abusive, there is their own issues that is problem - they feel unworthy and inept so they overcompensate and expect perfection from others, and they feel good in putting other people down - by imposing their rules and using other people errors, mistakes and shortcomings as reason for their abuse.
10 Tactics to Put a Narcissist in Their Place
remind them to stick to subject. Keep bringing matter at hand.
Don't take responsibility for their emotions. If they are angry at you, let them be angry, they will try to blame their negative emotion on you, don't let them. If you take responsibility for their emotions they will use that to manipulate you and get you to do whatever they want. If they are mad, they will get over it. It has nothing to do with you.
Until they stop attacking you, don't talk to them. Once a narcissist starts to abuse you, they will not stop. If they talk to you like that, refuse to speak back. Narcissists like attention. They even like negative attention. They want to have a punching bag by continuing to speak to them.
Don't make excuses for them, investigate.
Call them out on their deception. Write everything down. Keep all communication transparent and visible.
They are contradiction to what they do and say and people start to notice. They can twist everything to make empath look like bad guy.
Don't feed their ego. It doesn't encourage and lift them up. It fuels them so that they can abuse you more.
Will try to rush you, pressure. Allow yourself to think if you want something.
Learn how to say no. They believe they have right to tell you how to feel. Offer you unsolicited advice, and claim credit for your accomplishment. Often they don't notice personal boundaries. As a result, you must be really explicit about any boundaries that are vital to you.
COMMENT:-
Its not the narcisits against you. Once you uncover you will find that the narcisist only survives as long as there is no transparency. Giving selective information and keep people from being a team. Once you overcome this and create transparent info flow the power of a narcisist just vanishes! Transparency is the thing they hate the most!
A socially anxious individual perceives rejection from a conversational partner, turns his or her attention away, and never learns that the individual is actually welcoming.
Individuals who are high in social anxiety tend to show increased initial attention toward negative social cues such as threatening faces followed by attention away from these social cues, indicating a pattern of hypervigilance followed by avoidance.
The Face-in-the-crowd task shows that individuals with social anxiety are faster at detecting an angry face in a predominantly neutral or positive crowd or slower at detecting happy faces than a nonanxious person.
wiki
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety
(21.9.2021)
People pleasing is social anxiety when fawning is the response to stress, flashbacks, triggers. So it is an urge that I don't want the other person to feel bad and it is compulsion to protect this other person from experiencing discomfort that may come from me telling the truth - elephant in the room. And it (desire not to hurt other people by shutting up) comes out as lie, not being honest, and as if I manipulate them (by not being honest). It is need that other person must not feel the same anxiety as I do, fears and suicide ideations as the result. That is one part. The other part is that my voice, my opinion and my side of story is the truth they don't like - and it will hurt them indeed, it is not a fantasy. It is because I see the reality from multi-levels, I am more clever and intelligent than them, and they will sniff this out, and they will use toxic shame to shut me up, projecting their ineptness, evil and incompetence onto the target, they will try to protect themselves from feeling the shame, guilt and pain that truth causes.
I noticed that being in presence with toxic people (that socially anxious people attract like a moth to flame being too nice), that we then also pick up their narcissistic traits. Such as controlling and trying to control other people - but we do it in empathic way - by creating cognitive distortions. We explain ourselves what is wrong with other people and we try to fix them. And if our focus is to model and fit everyone to our perception of how life should be. Some people do not deserve help. Instead our focus and energy is needed for quiet people, people who do not complain and create chaos and drama, they don't attract attention. Our fears will make ourselves prisoners to heal and fix attention, as codependency issue, trauma bonding and people pleasing.
Social anxiety is like a game of Solitaire because there are no step by step instructions. Sometimes it is good to voice out and to speak the forbidden or intentionally censored issues - such as someone being psychopath - but in a certain situations being honest is not advisable - such as being in situation where the other person has control over our life - such as living in a authoritarian country where by not being compliant you might not get money or papers to escape that country. You must shut up in order to survive, to get your goals and plans in the future.
I see social anxiety as multi-dimensional tool. Instead of lack of social skills and something that needs to be improved, as suggested by mentors and official mental health professionals and industry, I think it is the opposite. Social anxiety means we have ability to be extremely social, in so much it is highlighted and accentuated to the extremes. And society in general doesn't work on this multi-dimensional level because they don't have intellectual capacity nor energy nor empathy to care enough for people to look everything from many sides and multiple angles. So social anxiety signifies we have quantum computer inside. It sucks all available data inside from all sides, from all people, and we have ability to access this data from everyone, from all angles. Social anxiety was historically named as doubting disease. It is because the result of having too much information is doubt. There are conflicting data - that data if spoken out will cause someone's pain, and we are aware of this fact, we are aware someone will suffer and experience discomfort so we try to avoid it - by avoiding people and having contact with them. And they will try to protect themselves from our truth by causing us pain. In the same time, we lack certain personal information about the other person, we jump to conclusion to fill up the data - by believing the other person is exactly like us, that they have the same fears, empathy and care as we do. So we avoid telling the truth or cutting the contact with them when they are rude, when they use toxic shame, when they are aggressive and when we sense something is wrong with them (red flags). The information that we suck inside us can be corrupted, deliberately lie or unintentional one. I think psychopaths are aware of this mechanics so they exploit it like Trojan horse by implanting sympathy and shame in order to control our inner computer.
Socially anxious people will ruminate after the social event - this rumination means we process the data. "Normal" people do not have mental or ethical capacity to do this, they are too dumb and too crude. So instead of explanation that we lack social skill - it is the opposite, we have it too much, above the average. Sometimes the data collected is contradictory and this way we sense something is wrong - while in reality people we come into contact are liars, psychopaths, dangerous - and due to certain reason we can't contact with them, and we try to explain ourselves that we over-react and imagine things, that we are paranoid - and that we should shut up. And if we say something to investigate - that person might become aggressive -and then we might interpret this as a sign we are inferior, simply because the other person is loud. So they exploit unwritten social rules - that if someone is louder, that it means they are correct. This is because far more many times the issues are caused by dumb people - and the only way you can reason with them is to yell. They exploit this social phenomena. Obvious solution is, if the matter is important - that we stick to our story and to speak out the defense, the truth and the evidence, being objective, avoiding Ad hominem arguments. That is why I say that socially anxious people need to learn how to handle high conflict situations, instead of learning social etiquette, as it is a common, simplified suggestion by mentors and official experts.
Also, one problem is that we try to handle this quantum computer inside our brain by taking advice for granted from society - advice that was intended for simple folks. The advice is one-sided and it tries to fit the form that is restricted, faulty and in many cases wrong. This tells us that we take all information as order - while we should see information as an option instead, as something to be taken in consideration, not to execute immediately. Instead of ignoring or attacking the rumination and doubt, we should embrace it - instead of panic thinking, let's try to organize the data and draw conclusion after collecting all the available data - and to tolerate eventual mistakes. So the problem is not rumination, the real problem is programmed fear from making mistakes, programmed urge to be perfect.
Unfortunately, narcissistic sociopaths are good at finding the right people to manipulate. They can see when someone is trusting. They know good people will make excuses for their bad behavior because they don't want to see it for what it really is.
However, if your gut is sending you signals and you're brushing off feelings of anger, distrust, and fear, there is probably a good reason. This is known as "cognitive dissonance." You want to believe that this person you know is as good as they appear, even though you know it all seems too good to be true.
Qualities of a Narcissistic Sociopath.
The findings from our initial studies with children who are psychopathic show a reduced amygdala response when they're shown pictures of fearful facial expressions. Their amygdala was also smaller. ... Amygdala dysfunction impairs their ability to generate fear response, and identify other people's fear.
National Geographic, How Fear Makes You Do Good Or Evil
An ancient part of your brain determines your response
CPTSD Foundation, TWITTER:
Untreated trauma can give rise to a brutal inner critic, and it may seem that survivors feel safest only when operating within bounds of joyless self-judgment and being alone.
Satan remained tranquil—tranquil and indifferent. I suppose he could not be insulted by Ursula any more than the king could be insulted by a tumble-bug.
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“What? I do random things? Indeed, I never do. I stop and consider possible consequences? Where is the need? I know what the consequences are going to be—always.”
“Oh, Satan, then how could you do these things?”
“Well, I will tell you, and you must understand if you can. You belong to a singular race. Every man is a suffering-machine and a happiness-machine combined. The two functions work together harmoniously, with a fine and delicate precision, on the give-and-take principle. For every happiness turned out in the one department the other stands ready to modify it with a sorrow or a pain—maybe a dozen. In most cases the man's life is about equally divided between happiness and unhappiness. When this is not the case the unhappiness predominates—always; never the other. Sometimes a man's make and disposition are such that his misery-machine is able to do nearly all the business. Such a man goes through life almost ignorant of what happiness is. Everything he touches, everything he does, brings a misfortune upon him. You have seen such people? To that kind of a person life is not an advantage, is it? It is only a disaster. Sometimes for an hour's happiness a man's machinery makes him pay years of misery. Don't you know that? It happens every now and then. I will give you a case or two presently. Now the people of your village are nothing to me—you know that, don't you?”
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Men have nothing in common with me—there is no point of contact; they have foolish little feelings and foolish little vanities and impertinences and ambitions; their foolish little life is but a laugh, a sigh, and extinction; and they have no sense.
Only the Moral Sense. I will show you what I mean. Here is a red spider, not so big as a pin's head. Can you imagine an elephant being interested in him—caring whether he is happy or isn't, or whether he is wealthy or poor, or whether his sweetheart returns his love or not, or whether his mother is sick or well, or whether he is looked up to in society or not, or whether his enemies will smite him or his friends desert him, or whether his hopes will suffer blight or his political ambitions fail, or whether he shall die in the bosom of his family or neglected and despised in a foreign land? These things can never be important to the elephant; they are nothing to him; he cannot shrink his sympathies to the microscopic size of them. Man is to me as the red spider is to the elephant. The elephant has nothing against the spider—he cannot get down to that remote level; I have nothing against man. The elephant is indifferent; I am indifferent. The elephant would not take the trouble to do the spider an ill turn; if he took the notion he might do him a good turn, if it came in his way and cost nothing. I have done men good service, but no ill turns.
The Mysterious Stranger, Mark Twain
(29.9.2021)
Social anxiety stems from having overbearing influence in the childhood and being exposed to continuous criticism that programs the target to be perfectionist, to generalize everything, and be afraid of criticism. It is not about lacking in social skills, in fact - social skills are more then perfected - people with social anxiety are highly sensitive in the tone of voice of the other people and what has been said. The problem instead of social anxiety is hiding in people who lack social skills, people who do not think and take into consideration other people feelings, people who criticize yet are sensitive to being criticized back, people who make personal remarks that are rude in the social context - asking or making prejudices about the target and target's personal choices - with the doze of toxic shame behind it.
Avoidance is lack of taking initiative and being active. The opposite is going back even if it is scary due to triggers, something that is not objectively scary. Social anxiety is feeling of other people hating me, trying to hurt me, other people being nervous all the time and me trying to fix them, help them and heal them while it is not my business. Social anxiety is believing I am the centre of attention and I am embarrassed by being out there. And that other people are watching over me and judge me. So the solution would be being out there despite the feelings and urges inside to hide, if there is no valid and objective threat, there is no reason to feel uncomfortable. And it comes down to living, to live life instead of hiding away and running away.
Having social anxiety and avoidance is like having a mask all the time. It is being afraid and you not trying to show it, or to have unreasonable trust in people and share to others too soon too intimate details. To people who appear friendly from our over trusting perspective but they are actually only curious and gather personal information which they will process in other ways than genuine friendship. And this attracts narcissists who need such freely available personal information in order to exploit easy targets. Narcissists also wear mask all the time, but they do it as a tool to exploit the targets. They also feel scared and are walking wounded and they exploit being a victim sooner or later - appearing in a wheelchair when in court, for example. They will be convincing in their wounds, they will not be embarrassed in showing them once they are cornered and caught in lies red handed. And this tells us that people with social anxiety and avoidance carry the guilt and shame that is not theirs. We imitate narcissists because we were raised in such environment, but we do not realize that we would not hurt others, manipulate others or cause other people pain. When judged by others, when being accused wrongly by others - we shut up because of relentless guilt and shame, when without it we would act genuinely, and respond honestly to the input. When guided with fears we limit our talk, we limit our initiatives, we react and respond, the water carries us instead of swimming through it to the other side. We think if we are honest and genuine that we will be ashamed - but since we do not wish anything bad to others, since we do not make evil schemes against people around, there is nothing to be ashamed of.
With all things taken in consideration I don't think that social anxiety and avoidance is the problem as in avoidance and lack of social contact. What I see as very detrimental and very unhealthy is the inability to speak up, inability to voice out our opinion, the urge to shut up, the decision to self-censor ourselves. I see this as the only distorted and damaging aspect of it. I know that on psychological level the inability to process incoming information is the problem. But if we see other people, that many people are going through life, making plans, making fortune, facing fears, dealing with issues - without having any psychological surgery, yet they are dumb, they are not caring, they make stupid decisions, they make horrible mistakes that we would not - and yet they do not spent time ruminating and obsessing over what happened, trying to process their emotions and actions and what happened, trying to see if they are guilty of something wrong they have done, in fact they are proud in being jerks and inconsiderate to others.
I see solution to social anxiety as being on par with anyone out there, and to be at ease with my body.
This is where other people come in, the external factor - controlling, blaming, criticizing the easy target.
Being healed it is being fine with my caprices, being alone, my worth - what is making me happy. It is ok with being weird, giving myself solid character, that I do not mold according to others, others advice, commands and orders.
That I genuinely feel that there is no danger there.
Problem is how I explain to myself what the other person request, orders, commands, opinion in relation to me. With anxiety, I feel in lower, inferior position to start with, and I try to handle this fears by fawning, in order not to aggravate the other person. Well, perhaps I should! The external factor (manipulators) seek people who are silent and who take abuse and who never complain back.
Social phobia is - fear from being attacked, yelled and it is a fear from being exploited- where being yelled at being the bigger fear than the latter. First one is primitive fear, physical sensation - that last quickly in a moment, second one is psychological torture - that evolve into damage later on.
Social phobia is like light - it behaves like a particle and wave in the same time. It behaves as common, strict and rigid phobia and also it acts like a wide showcase variety of anxiety in the same time. Phobia is when someone is afraid of spiders - there is only one type of insect, and you are afraid of it biting you, and you are disgusted how it looks and you are hyper aroused when it moves around. Same goes for people who are having phobia from birds or dogs. Phobia itself does not have degrees, there is no list of spiders - for example sea version of spider or spider-like creatures in sci-fi movies, or spider-like microbes that the person will focus on and avoid swimming in water, watching horror movies from sci-fi movies of 1950s or detest touching surfaces because there are spider-like microbes hiding invisible to our human perception. But particular social situation feel like common phobia. In official psychiatry, the more we are exposed to fearful object, the more desensitized we will get, the less afraid we will feel.
This part does not work with social anxiety. The more exposure to toxic environment creates more damage in a form of avoidance, isolation, rumination, obsessing over what happened, resentment, holding on to grudge - and if person is not instructed and explained what is going on, the person will be left to its own devices, meaning developing immature ego defense mechanism, cognitive distortions and thinking traps. It will seem like it helps to ruminate - because being hypervigilant and hyperalert predicts the next assault and it seems that we are better prepared for being attacked if we are already in our trenches, covered up and with mask and shelf, wardrobe, shelter around us for protection. So instead of living our lives, we spend time and energy in protection and expecting the next blow, explosion and attack. What you desensitize is being a punching bag. Very soon, in order to be a nice person - people pleasing and fawning will seem as perfect response to external factor - to people who are mentally ill but never sought help for their condition and wounds, yet they exploit and spread mental illness around their community. They hide their wounds and toxic shame by attacking others, ashaming them. And they will only admit their wounds when they are cornered - being brought to court or under prison sentence looming over them.
Social anxiety sticks, it does not wears off with the exposure. It does not go away when we face our fears, it only adds up to the list of already present long list of dangerous experiences that we must avoid.
Then there is ungratefulness factor - it is when we need to face our fear, we will feel extremely tense and prepare ourselves, work ourselves up, think about worst case scenario, anxiety will flare up - and yet, when we face it, we will dismiss the experience as non existent and we'll focus on the next threat. It will appear as fluke, and this hampers the tracking progress.
People with social anxiety have a various degrees of fears and things that they were once afraid more - yet today it is no longer the issue. For example, online argument with anyone, or wearing some accessory that used to be a fearful object because it would attract other people attention and their comments (sunglasses, a hat, shirt, gloves, shoes, necklace, rings etc). Because of ungratefulness factor, it is always the latest fear that is the urgent one.
Social anxiety does not work as phobia because it means that I should face hysterical people all the time. For a starter, despite our fears that lie to us, most of the time, people are not hysterical, it appears so in our head, after the event - when the video montage runs in a loop, on a repeat, all the embarrassing moments edited to be displayed and showcased via PureOCD mechanics of endless rumination and worrying. If social anxiety is phobia it would mean that I should be exposed to criminally insane people to wars, to human suffering in order for symptoms to lessen. But it does not work that way because social anxiety is a variable. It is not a specific person that frightens us. It is connected to Complex Trauma, triggers and flashbacks. CPTSD is a program that triggers us to perform like a circus animal. It has mechanism with hyperarousal that makes me to anticipate the trigger - where trigger response is to fawn. Where fawning, people pleasing and seeking other people approval is a circus performance, a code running on given program. But to me it appears as normal development of everyday events, that it is normal that someone is rude, it is normal that I shut up to that person, it is normal that I take for granted the insults - that I am snowflake if I react, that it is normal for the other person to accuse me of something and that I should not say no to them, deny their request or disagree with them - or else I'll be punished or experience deep shame that sticks with me and I can't shake it off. In fact, I will feel shame no matter what I do, but in my head I think I will be safer if I stay quiet, if I say yes, if I people please, if I agree automatically with others, if I self-censor myself and take abuse stoically.
It seems all normal because before the trigger I already have the presence of a plethora of negative thoughts already running in my head - overgeneralizations, shoulds, perfectionism and most of them I am not aware. There is probably outside, external factor - someone who is critical, blaming me, nagging and pointing out my mistakes, errors and shortcomings all the time and I don't notice it as unfair, unreasonable, as sick and dangerous, it seems normal to me that I am automatically guilty for anything wrong that happens - mostly outside of my control, it is my fault. Unlike phobia, anxiety is stuck. It does not wear off.
I see external factor as the element that must be removed - either completely or by my own warning and understanding what I am dealing with. It is not something that I can perceive as healthy, normal and friendly - no matter what they say and explain.
Hysterical people are not my problem, it is not my problem that they can't handle and manage their temper. Society must keep criminally insane people in nuthouses, yet they are walking freely around, they are often found at managerial positions. That is external factor. If I do not see it as foreign element, I absorb it and I take responsibility for it automatically. I try to fix it. I try to please it. I try to calm it. It sucks my energy, time, finances and mental stability and health - when in fact it all goes to be sucked into a black hole, there is no improvement. So people pleasing is survival mechanism, that I do not get hurt by maniacs. And this should be challenged. Anxiety lies to us, so either we see toxic people in those who are simply idiots or they are indeed toxic but willing to change once they become aware they are idiots. This part I can control - by stopping in serving them and being at their disposal, seeing others as saviours, as competent experts - superior beings, and instead talking to them as if on par with me.
Due to ungratefulness factor, I forget how I overcome smaller fears and phobias and anxieties. It was exposure that helped. And it helped the way how I perceived those. I realized it was safe, that nothing bad would happen. I should copy-paste the same mechanism on current fears. When I feel safe, I act normally, I make suggestions, I express my opinion, I try to make environment pleasant, I fix what is broken out of urge to create better future, not because of fear from experiencing an attack from someone.
Unlike spiders or any phobic object, people interact. There are variables. People can attack you in various way - verbally, psychologically, physically, and they can cause various damage - physical, financial, mental or combined. Also you can imagine and interpret other person's action as attack and delude yourself that you are under attack. CPTSD triggers interpret similar situations as if the original one, it arises 4F response mechanisms, uncomfortable feelings and urge to avoid if possible - while objectively there is no danger at all. In our head we don't even make a possibility that we might imagine it all, amygdala gets hijacked, emotional dysregulation does its job and we run on program of anxiety, avoidance and reacting to life and responding to life, instead of living it. I see that every time I did make some bold action, decision and steps that were outside of my comfort zone that I was bombarded by negative thoughts, inner critic and cognitive distortions, that I am in danger, coupled with uncomfortable physical sensations such as panic attacks. And along with toxic shame explaining me that either I make fool of myself, or that I am on wrong track, or that other people are either laughing at me, or that they exploit me, or that they are bad people and I must pontificate over them, tell them they are wrong and punish any error, shortcoming as I see it as personal attack and annoying, selfish thing that they do.
So apart from coping resources that are rooted in immature ego defense mechanism, along with shutting up and fawning, shame and guilt, the toxic shame propels me from inferiority complex into being righteous and that I must perform Crusade against people who transgress my sense of right and wrong. I think it is because of urge to fix people, I just do it from the negative perspective, from holding on to antagonism mentality, that my task is to correct their ways.
This toxic shame make me think especially when I am listening to other people - that other people try to exploit me, that I am easy target and therefore I should not say yes to people - that I should always say no, by default, because I say yes by default. I think the balance is making an assessment - and being objective. Without a certain amount of fawning and people pleasing there would be no diplomacy, relationship and friendships. So fawning is not something to exterminate or go against in extreme ways. Toxic shame and certain people who appear giving a good advice will try to convince me that I must fight with people and that all people are exploiters - and this viewpoint is damaging, it is not objective, it is not realistic and it is not helpful - in fact it is detrimental.
Life with social anxiety is like being in a dark room. And you bump onto things, while objects move - where some objects are fixed and walls being there - these I can get used to easily and recognize them and try to avoid getting hurt by bumping on them, but the problem is that this dark room is connected with other rooms and you don't know where you are, it is dark. You move around without having a map. The only map is in your head. The instructions and memories of how to deal with anything is subject to Ebbinghaus' forgetting curve. Problem is when you are repeating the same steps and getting bumped on objects in the dark. You may develop fear from experiencing the hurt and exaggerate the pain. Aristotle solved this chaos by labeling - but it is still dark, you are labeling to not get bumped, that you do not drink poison, that you do not touch something sharp and cut yourself. Problem with labels is that they can change. People can lie, mistakes can be done, pills can be packaged in wrong boxes, food can expire, you read the label and you trust it is safe because it is a label.
Problem is that most of the time labels are safe. And you don't think twice that you might get wrong input that might be dangerous. Life with social anxiety is reaction to bad event, so now person with anxiety checks everything, it is being hyperalert and hypervigilant, spending time and energy on checking and double checking of everything that happened and that might happen. It is not being able to be spontaneous and to organize or plan something new - it is being in constant guard against feeling the pain. And philosophical question would be is that pain worth the effort? It is like turning heaven and earth in avoiding dentist due to fear of drilling the teeth. This is where external factor comes in - manipulators know that most people do not question them, their motives and intentions, and for those anxious people, being hypervigilant is exhausting, and toxic shame can be used as a weapon and as a tool in instructing the target that they are snowflakes, too sensitive and that they should ease up and trust people.
What is someone has harmful intentions - social anxiety could be the sixth sense, knowing they will mishandle you in the future, reading the red flag signs, and observing how they treat people who do nothing for them.
It is the fact that people who do not feel the fear get swindled easily. If you choose fight response as a default way to deal with issues, it can land you in jail.
The obvious solution is to not shut up, it is to talk and communicate, to clear up misunderstandings. Person who is lying must spend a lot of energy and time to conceive a web of lies and it is hard to fit it perfect from all sides. This is why manipulators choose easy targets - people who do not ask questions, people who do not question authority, people who are kind and nice so they do not bother them and they do not disturb them. Manipulators can easily use toxic shame as a tool to shut you up - if you ask them some question they can throw temper tantrum, as most people avoid arguing and loud people by default. Instead of automatic thinking that loud people is equated to tortured person who is not to be disturbed - it is a good to be aware that manipulators hide behind it and they exploit it to their advantage. Instead of rationalizing and giving excuses, it would be a good thing to put such person on "red list", mark this person as potential manipulator that is better to be avoided.
I see balance as obvious solution. The cooperation and interdependence - if other person is cooperative and whether do they respond to our questions, so that they are not the one who lead conversation and initiate the talking. This is why external referencing warns us about the danger in seeing other people as automatic leaders, as role models, as guides and someone from whom we take orders and commands, but rather to willing in sticking to self worth, not seeking approval from other people, which means being ok with our own mistakes.
Social anxiety is battle on more than one front. Physical symptoms, triggers, there is fawn response, avoidance response, exponential negative experience that comes with being active and exposed to fears, there is being stuck with intrusive thoughts and also there is external factor - people who are not being honest, people who lie and provide false information that we perceive as truth automatically, and there is ungratefulness factor.
The map of social anxiety would be dealing with physical symptoms, being aware of CPTD and Polyvagal theory, trauma bonding, self worth and intrinsical values, being active, processing emotions, recognizing emotions and labeling what is happening, that otherwise we have no clue how to name it or make sense of it, minimizing cognitive distortions (magnifications, black and white thinking, generalization, perfectionism), tracking progress and being thankful instead of resentment, to write it all feelings in order to process them and having ideas and goals so that I do not react and respond to life, but rather to lead it.
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(30.9.2021)
Being ok with my mistakes, blunders, shortcomings means I can have energy to face fears, because it backs up my confidence. Problem is that it means I must integrate the dirty parts - being a fool, being embarrassed, having the totally wrong viewpoint, being ridiculed, proven wrong, not being aggressive but viewed as arrogant and forceful. This also means that is why evil exists. Some people do evil things on purpose, it is intention. If there is some kind of mental corrector, that would pluck out ill will, all people would think the same, there would be no variations. That is rigid, it is unnatural, it is prone to crumbling down - like normal wall as oppose to wavy wall, crinkle crankle wall. As human beings we do not know ultimate truth. And this allows evil to exist. There is no way to do the right thing and that in the same time we have courage, there would be no strength that we face up to true evil, we would not have energy - because we see the world as we are - and if we do not have evil bone, we can't fight it.
So the existence of evil in the world means that it is part of life on Earth. It is brutal truth of reality. Without it there would be no energy, no strength, the system would collapse. The problem is when evil flourshes and becomes too much, when it spreads, when it crosses the boundary. So when we do not put evil back to its place, when we do not prune it, we are a part of the problem, and instability occurs -- such as mentally instability. Since social anxiety and avoidance is mental instability, it by definition means that evil is leaking somewhere and we are not pruning it, we do not clean it up. Perhaps we do not even know the labels and we are not aware of this process of leaking and we do not know the protagonist inside it, we may have to filter out and weed the bad protagonists out.
What we observe becomes our reality. It means if we experience bad things and bad people, that somehow we imagined them into our reality. That in reality, bad people are wounded ones, that they appear as aggressive but this is their mask and in reality they are weak and inferior - so we have to be patient, good and not evil, we must be nice. This puts us in situation where we are not allowed to hurt people back - and if we choose to do so, we will create evil, and even more evil. This is distorted thinking. And this is how social anxiety and avoidance is functioning inside. We see reality as black and white, our strong sense of right and wrong does not allow fuzzy logic. So the conclusion is that the urge or need to be nice and good is evil in fact. It is message and programming from evil entities. I see the solution in this Gordian knot - by being honest, authentic. We will be accused of arrogant and aggressive by others when we state our opinion - but it can be done in civilized manner, so objectively speaking there will be no aggression. It can also be sugar coated by "I respect your opinion" or even "as oppose to you - I allow criticism and existence of another opinions" so there will be no arrogance, yet humility instead. We can be honest and express ourselves with humility - in order to make peace between good and evil. I see the solution in self expression, where self-censorship is the detrimental factor. The evil will use up this solution because dumb people will express themselves loudly and more often than intelligent people. The evil will flourish if good people are silent and if they ignore evil to the point of evil being overgrown. This need for self-expression is also the reason why evil exists. Sometimes the brutal truth is hurtful and painful, but without it we would not know our boundaries - and perhaps we would delude ourselves that we can fly - by jumping off a high place. If our delusion was strong, the feelings of not fulfilling our delusion would feel painful and shattering. But it is the only way to accept the laws of physics. So evil must exist - as an anti-dote to our own delusions. This does not mean that we should worship evil. That it is healthy to feel pain, to live in drama and to create drama just in order to feel pain.
As we are all connected, if we try to respond to evil with evil, the most probably our message or action will go into wrong direction, to the wrong recipient, and it will hurt the people who are not evil. And if we do nothing, evil will take this as approval to continue doing evil. So in the context of social anxiety, it is not only important to self-express (instead of self-censorship), it is also important to become more tolerant of evil. Instead of observing it in extreme ways, it is in seeing the bigger picture, how evil starts and why evil exists - that in Yin Yang it is designed as perfect balance in movement and action, and that evil simply signifies that there is imbalance present. From social anxiety perspective this means observing criticism as perhaps wrong message instead of ultimate truth. Or aggressive people as people who require our response, our avoidance or anything rather than people pleasing, fawning and automatic servitude. It is in seeing aggressive people as weak instead of superior and acting like that - being on par with them, talk to them, try to clean up misunderstandings, or leave them if they are unreasonable and non responsive - instead of clinging to them.
For example, it is like being hypnotized into cognitive distortions by everyday society and media. People will very rarely if at all tell that when something bad happens, that it is a rare occurrence, an incident or that this particular state was at given position - they will generalize it, due to fear, and make general observation that everything is wrong, all people are wrong. This is how we learn to over-generalize. It is evil, yet people are not aware, and it feels good to sulk and pout and hold grudges and be negative.
Without evil we would not be able to develop resilience to evil - even worse evil from the future, that one being worse than the one that attacked us. But this does not mean that evil should be ignored and allowed and reasoned with, or rationalized and approved. It is about realization how to see evil. If we think that evil is our invention, that there is no evil out there, due to law of attraction, it means that we put ourselves in situation to be easily exploited. If we react to evil, we may become over-reactive and hypervigilant and hyperalert all the time, wasting our energy. And yet, if we come into peace with evil, if we tolerate it to the point of not doing anything about it, we condition ourselves into learned helplessness. So the reaction to evil requires intelligence, being able to think through carefully how to solve problem - instead of auto pilot or learned reactions. It pushes us to think, to use our brain, to use our experience and gathered information and knowledge. Without perfect solution, evil will repeat itself and we will get annoyed, irritated. If we choose avoidance and isolation, soon everything will appear scary and we will limit our comfort zone to our room, that being the learned helplessness. So the obvious solution is interdependence, connecting with other people, listening to their stories, experiences and advice. Instead, we'll be stuck with our harsh and unfair inner critic or people whom we co-depend upon, who are probably toxic. Evil propels us to search for solutions, for new ideas, new concepts. So that is better way to look at scary people, instead of hiding, running away automatically and isolation.
Perhaps the evil is our twisted thinking, implanted by evil people. Thinking that we are entitled, or holding unrealistic and unreasonable beliefs such as perfectionism. It comes down to tolerate evil enough so that we do not panic, that we can operate, that we are not blocked by our fears, anxieties, resentment - but rather being able to think things through and come up with new ideas.
(3.10.2021)
I meddle into thinking process. I do this when I prejudge, when I bring shoulds, my obligations and rules that I collected through the time. By doing this I stop things from happening by labeling everything as dangerous. I label it as dangerous, because everything has its negative side and possible risk - I see anything from all sides, from all dimension - and natural solution is that this is dangerous and I should avoid it. I totally neglect the possible gain. This is message I picked in dysfunctional childhood, being over-protected from outside world, external events. So I play too safe, too restricted. I restrict myself, I choke myself. I detect everything as virus so I corner myself, I do not give myself option to defend myself because it would hurt someone, or that others will feel the same pain as I do. Then I feel bad for being isolated and in being over-protected I paradoxically allow true viruses in because I want to fit in, I want to have connection with others, I want to do social norms and appear normal.
So the solution would be that I fix this all up. It would mean that I risk doing something different. I noticed due to ungratefulness factor that I ignore all the times I did face my fears. I followed the advice from on book to list all my pet peeves of socially anxious situations - and it did help to become more tolerant to rude people. But this focus me only on bad things, while I should also have a list of all the times when I did face my fears and my predictions did not come true. Also, it would mean that social anxiety solution lies not in managing symptoms or gaining skills - but rather in knowing what to do when I am embarrassed, when I feel attacked, and also another solution is to be active as much as I can. Instead of choosing isolation, I should test my fears and be outdoor.
So social anxiety is managing the after-effect rather than the even itself. Official psychiatry and mentors focus on the events, but the greatest damage is thinking and pondering about it, how I process emotions and what happened. If I enter into social situation with people pleasing and fawning and external referencing already present inside me, the event itself will not help me to get rid of fears, because social situations will be painful event. It means being in situations where I shut up, where I do not go into confrontation, where other people's anger and emotions are my guidelines and my own emotions, and where other people opinions are my personal ultimate orders and commands.
Me meddling into thought process is unhelpful but I do it because this is how I learned to deal with overthinking by overthinking even more. It is like realizing that I have a mechanism inside that is intelligent and smart, more than my everyday awareness, and I think it is a part of me, so I try to rule over it and veto it, and try to run alongside it, but it is much faster than me. So I hang it on, I make things not to happen. Perhaps it is super-ego. It is when I know what I need to do, when I have clear instructions what to do, but I do not say it out, I do not voice it out. It's also that I do not test my veto - will it really that the worst things will happen if I face my fears so I protect myself in avoidance, that I stop myself from my goals, plans and decisions.
Easy factor. The solution to social anxiety must be easy, because it comes down in living life and handling social situations. There are no problems and life threatening people and unsolvable problems. Otherwise people would not do it, everyone would have social anxiety. People in general do not think about it from all aspects, they do not take everything in consideration, they limit themselves in their mind from thinking too much. And it works, they are able to live their lives without hang ups and fears. So it must flows. This means accepting mistakes, being dumb and embarrassed. I stop everything because I try to be perfect. I stop everything because I want to process what happened without knowing all information and I am unable to control it. Other people just move on, they don't care. I have obligations, I think someone will judge me and this judgement is very important and it will happen for sure. So I have trouble with accepting what happened, I have problem with accepting myself not being perfect.
Accepting myself means being ok with fears, instead of rumination. Rumination is added by me to process what happened. I try to understand and also to match with my rules and obligations. Obligations, rules and shoulds are messing me up while I think they are protecting me and that I make things better with them. It is unnecessary part of my life that I invented in childhood and never let it go. I have something in my brain where I get ideas from higher source and it is me meddling into this process of reception of ideas. Once I realized that social anxiety makes me think that all people are hating me - that this belief is false - which was a breakthrough - I noticed immediately that I get ideas when in contact with other people. When communicating with other people I start to be aware of things that otherwise it would not occur to me. I think that in my childhood I misinterpret this that I must exploit this, so I developed external referencing. I thought that I get those ideas without talking, without connection, without my interrogative questions and interrogation. I believed that it was the other people who are the sole source of this creative process and ideas, but it takes three components - my thinking process, other person who oppose it, and something in between that ideas come from that is unintelligible. I ignored my part in this, and I never trusted myself that I am also crucial part. I dismissed myself as not worthy, non important and saw others as my guides. In that way I derived ideas from their emotions and shoulds, their obligations and by urge to fit in, it was me trying to fit in.
For "normal" people this is too heavy burden to handle, to carry me along them in their lives and it scared them away. For external factor people, manipulators - this is making me easy target for them, I attract them to parasite over me. For example, this means that I do not prejudge something or someone, that I curb my enthusiasm and do not rush to the fast conclusions. But in the same time, this means that I do not accept someone automatically without knowing more. My desire to fit in or social pressure to socialize could put me in difficult situations, too.
(4.10.2021)
After a person reads hundreds of books and articles and media sources about social anxiety, you would find the necessary information already. This means that the problem is not the lack of information. The problem lies in a mechanism, it is associated to behaviour - being inactive. Also it is indication of being gaslighted by environment into feeling guilty. It is indication of being unable to process emotions, what happened and inability to label the emotions correctly - thus makes it impossible to deal with that what needs to be responded.
So there is an outside factor, someone ashaming the target and criticizing and blaming the victim. Through shame, target can be easily controlled because the victim tries everything to hide the shame instead of accepting it. In real world this is ongoing through practice of personal remarks. Some people engage in attacking others as a protection, as a preemptive strike, because they feel toxic shame (that they are wrong by default), and these aggressive people who prefer fight response to stress don't think things through, they are lazy- so they defend themselves by temper tantrums, creating drama, projecting and making focus to be on the target's faults, errors, shortcomings and lack of knowledge. And people with social anxiety are on the receiving end, because they stay quiet and they believe in external validation - being told by mentors to be outside, to make contacts with people and to face the fears - while contact with conflict people this only creates future drama and future triggers.
This is why I see solution to social anxiety in being resilient to conflict and this small percentage of aggressive people who ashame others openly or covertly. Being resilient means that I accept my faults, my accusations - be inspecting and knowing that if I do not deliberately injure anyone, and that I do not by my conscious try to hurt someone - there is nothing to be ashamed.
I see the solution in being aware of my toxic shame, what exactly I am being ashamed of. In the past, my social anxiety would increase if I would wear some accessory, some fashion article that might appear strange or unacceptable to critics. These how I look shame is easily forgotten and rejected as non important fears. Toxic shame that sticks is related to feeling perfectionist and that I must perform without mistakes and that I must know the job perfectly the first second I start to work on it. So the other people will judge and criticize always - this part I will never be able to control or stop it. I can only work on accepting me being stupid and embarrassed, and in explaining myself, defending myself.
Also, what I can control is the assessment of danger - instead of panic mode, I can remind myself of statistic of worst case scenario occurring in real life, how realistic it is. But the control is the problem. With social anxiety, control is too restricting. How I explain and what I do to prevent the hurt is over-exaggerated. I always thought that the basic fear is another people's opinion - when I went to the root cause of what I am actually afraid - it would always go the the point that someone might think something bad about me - and this was the bottom level. But in reality, the problem is me hiding the shame and perceived guilt. Other person reaction is reaction - it is them reacting to the thing that I am ashamed of. Therefore, facing fears does not help for social anxiety. External reaction is uncomfortable and painful because they force me to feel toxic shame, but the problem is why I feel the shame and guilt - when in the same time I am a good person, I am not evil and I try everything to people please everyone - there is nothing to be ashamed about. I think I am being programmed into believing that something inside me is disgusting, faulty, broken and ugly. And I know the fact that the brain is unable to face to hurt and pain - and it will do everything to protect itself from feeling the pain - thus inventing immature ego defense mechanisms. But this is the problem - there is nothing that I should defend, there is nothing that actually cause hurt and pain. With social anxiety, I believe it does, I believe that there is something hideous inside that must be covered and not talked about. With this attitude, of course I cannot relax in social situations, and this is why rude people can control me so easily - I shift into people pleasing, aborting natural reactions to aggressive and rude people.
So in one hand my auto-pilot is broken, and I can't let myself be "natural" because being natural for me is fawning in order to lower panic and paralysis - that as OCD only temporarily solves the problem but creates huge panic and paralysis in the future, by me being afraid of going out. Solution for this would be manual override which by-product is panic and paralysis and avoidance and isolation as by-product. Which means I need more manual over-rides by meddling in the process, which is unnatural, dishonest and fake, it turns out manipulative and exhausting, since I must invest energy in simple process of handling social settings. Every time I would end up reading the instructions how to respond. So I see a better solution in mixing the auto-pilot with manual over ride. If I fawn as auto-pilot, I would embrace it as a way to make friendships, even with people who appear strange, rude and disgusting on the first contact. Also, when I feel something is wrong, I would invest time to see why. This is the problem - because I spend decades knowing that something is wrong in my ways how I see people - I labelled myself as socially anxious because the symptoms fit the behaviour in 100%, but socially anxious resources do not mention external referencing - they do not mention Complex Trauma, which lead me to discoveries that I fawn. Official SAD resources ignore the external factor and outside factor - that the environment might be bad - they suggest that you throw yourself out there, because isolation itself is also detrimental, through paranoia and delusions. Yet, being easy target for narcissists and manipulators, facing fears only produces more triggers and flashbacks and more fears. Official psychiatry and mentors think that over-exposure to fearful situations will make the target become satiated to danger, more resilient and less over-reactive, but that is not happening due to slick toxic shame. The danger is not in other people, other people are only mirrors - the hurt that I feel is only mirroring the distortion that is already inside me, or I am convinced that it is inside me, and that it must be hidden and that is must stay covered.
I see individual healthy - without social anxiety - as a person who makes decisions without control of intrusive thoughts and cognitive distortions, a person that is active, a person that interacts with people without hidden cards in their hands, that reacts to invalid accusations directly, openly, voicing out the elephant in the room - but not from the place of pontificating, antagonism, yet through being objective and realistic, or even humour. Since there is no burden of hiding something shameful, healthy individual is humble, there is nothing to brag about or trying to over-compensate, trying to impress or deflect.
With a person with social anxiety, somebody criticism feels like a leech, you cannot shake it off. And with a PureOCD methods to battle rumination through accepting it and focus on on something productive instead, it feels as if the intrusive thoughts, fears and panic and embarrassment by being in such exchange of information by someone rude is imposed and implanted by outside. It is because rude comments, personal remarks come from people with low social skills and high sociopath traits, lack of empathy and fun in hurting other people, projecting their inadequacies to the target. The manipulator simply picks on the wound by ashaming the target - target's mistakes, shortcomings, lack of knowledge. With toxic shame information, I see the solution to this in the realization that the hurt and pain stems actually from the inside. It appears as if the other person is causing the pain - since they voice out the shame. But actually they are only mirroring the disgusting part - a part that I believe is disgusting, the part that I believe is inside me. For example, me being inept, stupid, idiot - and who must be punished by verbal abuse or if on job - by sacking me and me living homeless and alone. It is coupled with low self worth, believing in external validation, that I match my worth with the other people and their opinion. Not trusting myself, my knowledge, my experience. The truth is that people who are quiet are usually more intelligent than verbally abusive, loud, expressive sociopaths. The truth is that they project their own shame onto me, meaning they label me with inadequacies that belong to them actually. Problem is that people who are kind, normal and sincere take on the blame, either not to stir and rock the boat, or by being programmed early on to shut up and automatically trust the person who is loud and hysterical just because they are loud and hysterical.
So the obvious solution to embarrassment is that I talk back, that I alarm and alert the other person, that I do not self-censor my voice inside that wants to name the elephant in the room. But in order to do it calmly and without escalation - it is in realization that there is nothing shameful inside me, it does not exist. It is an illusion. That this is the core of mental disorder, distortion and this belief that there is something shameful is creating twisted reality and thus wrong decisions based on the delusion, hallucination, illusions. The more I am aware that there is nothing disgusting inside me, I will be more able to act and react in accordance to the given situation and the other person. Some people deserve tough love, other simply the truth being said - because they run their own hallucinations, biases and cognitive fallacies that appear real to them.
Solution to life without social anxiety is without having a hand break on while driving - without hangups, without getting stuck like needle on a record, and moving on to my interest, goals, tasks.
5 Reasons Why You Attract Toxic People
You're great listener. They never run out of stuff to complain about. They dont need to vent or help them. They just need someone to continously give them attention and listen to them. Good fried listen to you insteadof pilling their issues on you, never letting you talk.
Good friend would never be ok with you troubling yourself just to make them happy. They would never be comfortable with a happiness that comes at the cost of their friend's mental health.
Toxic people gravitate towards people that are easy to manipulate and gaslight. And who's easier to manipulate than a person that starts blaming themselves the second even the tiniest flaw comes ti light?
You can drain yourself completely and they'll still ask for more. Toxic people are like an empty cup you can never fill. They will make you feel like it's not enough, you should have done more.
You are loyal. You are genuine and sincere – toxic people love loyal and sincere. Sincere, loyal people cannot imagine someone they love and care for is manipulating and gaslighting them. So toxic people can do whatever they want to you, and you won't ever doubt them.
You avoid confrontation. You hate conflict. That toxic people love. They want someone to pushover. Relationships are built on trust. Both are responsible for what happens. If it is always you have to take the blame, gaslight into thinking you are wrong. No one is wrong all the time and you feeling guilty all the time is not right. Toxic people gaslight you and manipulate you into thinking that. Stand up when you feel you are right and speak up for yourself.
YT Psychology Element
The two factors have been found by those following this theory to display different correlates. Factor 1 has been correlated with narcissistic personality disorder,[16] low anxiety,[16] low empathy,[17] low stress reaction[18] and low suicide risk[18] but high scores on scales of achievement[18] and social potency.
The Psychopathy Checklist or Hare Psychopathy Checklist-Revised, now the Psychopathy Checklist—revised (PCL-R)
wiki.
Fact, TWITTER
Once you realize you deserve better, letting go will be the best decision you will ever make.
Fact, TWITTER:
Go where you are appreciated, not where you are tolerated. Your confidence, health, and life will be much better.
Fact, TWITTER:
The best feeling comes when you realize that you're perfectly happy without the people you thought you needed most.
Fact, TWITTER:
Self confidence is the most attractive quality a person can have.
"Positive feelings come from being honest about yourself and accepting your personality, and physical characteristics, warts and all; and, from belonging to a family that accepts you without question."
- Willard Scott
WOW Facts Of Life, TWITTER:
People who are suffering from emotional wounds tend to easily get annoyed with others for no apparent reason.
Expectations especially when we put on people is unkind and unfair. Expecting things from people is unkind and unfair.
Put unfair expectations on people you will push people away,not closer. Hold desire but hold it loosely,craft it with wet clay. There is no better way to ruin everyone's Christmas than by coming into Christmas with gigantic unchangeably expectations how Christmas is suppose to be
HOUR OF POWER
If I get upset that means he was able to control me. If somebody can do something and make me upset, they want to control me.
How to overcome the fear of confrontation
YT Zamiah Eyezayah
Internet use was found to strenghten maladaptive beliefs, in particular the belief that socially anxious people lack social skills and that others are likely to criticize them.
People with SAD predict that something negative will happen - that they won't handle the situation well or that others will not like them.
Over-agreeableness. Some people believe that they must always agree with what others say, nod and smile frequently to prevent others from disliking them. Social psychologists refer to this pattern as innocuous sociability. What distinguishes innocuous sociability from genuine sociability is that the person feels compelled to display this behaviour and does so out of fear of rejection rather than genuine interest.
Most people also discover that they feel more genuine ("like I am being myself") and spontaneous when they drop unnecessary safety behaviours.
Many socially anxious people believe that they lack the social skills to relate to people. They have the sense that there are unwritten social rules and behaviours for developing relationships that they have not learned.
"Coping with Shyness and Social Phobia" W. Ray Crozier, Lynn E. Alden
Who would want to get into conversation if they thought that doing so would only reveal their clumsiness, or inadequacy, or tendency tp blush? That they will be dismissed, ignored, criticized or rejected for not behaving more acceptably.
If social anxiety is normal, then it will never go away, whatever you do. So rather than attempting the impossible, and seeking a 'cure', energy is better spent learning how to reduce its painful aspects and consequences so that is no longer causes distress and interferes with your life.
There is nothing 'abnormal' about the post mortem itself - indeed it probably reflects the way we process other intense or distressing experiences.
One of the main ways in which people find out about each other is by asking questions, but the conventions about what is acceptable and what is not vary.
Socially anxious people thus end up with one-sided or biased view of the situations that trouble them.
The most crucial point is that keeping safe prevents you learning that there is no need to keep safe. The situation is not really dangerous, it just seems to be so.
Make sure you let yourself 'look into the abyss' and try to put into words the catastrophe that you predict will happen. Write it down, test a prediction, test out what happens if you go into this situation 'unprotected'. It is worth doing in your ability to adapt to the situations that arise and to respond to them in the way that feels right for you.
People who are socially anxious, often talk as if they were in danger of 'doing it wrong' - as if they had a notion of an ideal way to behave.
If you want people to be different - for example, more friendly, or more considerate of your feelings - then how do you achieve your aim? The only way to do so would be to change yourself: to find ways of making yourself more open to friendship, and ways of expressing your feelings so that others take mroe notice of them.
"Overcoming social anxiety and shyness", Gillian Butler
Interpretation
Often it is not what we see or hear that is a danger, but how we explain it to ourselves that counts. People with phobias come up with a threatening explanation quite automatically, the more threatening explanation seems to come to mind first, then they tend to stick to this explanation, rather than looking for more information that might reassure them that a situation is actually safe.
How we try to deal with our problems can also make them worse. People only take in a tiny amount of what is around them. Much of this is their own thoughts and feelings rather than what is in their surroundings.
Next time, the person can try to drop the safety behaviour and test what actually does happen.
Many people with anxiety problems have already changed all kinds of things to accommodate their fears - where they travel, who they see, where they shop, the joby they have, and many other aspects of their lives.
"Coping with Fears and Phobias", Warren Mansell
As a person begins to believe they have rights their self-esteem improves.
There are number of ways in which we can cause problems for ourselves:
- demanding
- catastrophizing
- damnation
If we get upset about something, we have an addiction to it. The problem with addictions is that they are very uncomfortable if they are not satisfied.
"Be assertive", Beverley Hare
(9.10.2021)
When I embrace super-ego instead of the hallucination of toxic shame, it means embracing my mistakes, shortcomings - so that I no longer try to hide them or feel embarrassed by them. I noticed that I have trouble the most with defining toxic shame - it is hard to form it, to give it a form that is recognizable in the real world, to match it with the real examples. Toxic shame has many faces and definitions and it changes, it shares the similar traits to external factor - psychopaths, narcissists, sociopaths, manipulators. Toxic shame can lie that super-ego is narcissism, which springs from not knowing what Super-ego is, the lack of knowledge and jumping to conlusion is toxic shame's weapon.
Also knowing how much is hard to grip the toxic shame, I should be more understanding of people struggling with their own issues that are annoying.
Anxious people need to normalize their fears, realize there is no real danger in the objects they fear of - and it looks as if healthy people are "normal" and that normal people have a secret how to act and they know exactly what to do. This is not true. "Normal" people did not went through dysfunctional abuse in their childhoods, so they are not wired to cognitive distortions and self hate. But this does not make them immune to external factor later in life. This means, they will act on auto-pilot if they find themselves in the midst of manipulators. They might employ methods od surpression, very unhealthy reaction as immature ego defense mechanism. This means, healthy people are not "normal", they are just lucky enough to be born into loving surroundings. They will react the same way as people who struggle with anxiety in the triggering circumstances that are unfair and inhuman. It is said that people who are not afraid, those who do not feel fear - are gullible and easy targets to get swindled.
Bad people - perhaps that External factor exists because of dualism. It means that person who recognize them as bad - that we are a good ones. It is as if the more good you are, there has to be a doppelganger on the other side that is the opposite from you. This does not mean that the good, being good, being nice creates and produces bad people - it could be quite the opposite.
Toxic shame being hallucination means that other people can control us easily by meddling with it. Since it is hallucination - it is easy to gaslight person who's reality is based in illusion and delusion. That makes nice, good people the easy target for manipulators, they throw temper tantrum - and the other person obeys, since hallucination makes them believe they are dealing with superior person, while in reality they are dangerous person who's words should be taken carefully - not as orders and commands and far away from the ultimate truth.
Social anxiety is the complex of wounds and factors, so one area being worked on will not be enough. But there is one general alarm to recognize the problem is ongoing: getting stuck. Being stuck in a loop is a general sign of illness, but this stuckness manifests itself from different sides and dimensions. So if something is bothering me, I am afraid - and if I face this fear, this does not mean that I should ignore problem on some other area where I am stuck, blocked.
Social anxiety being fear from people, it is important to remember that I get ideas when I talk to other people. So people are inspiration and corrector and hidden guides and revealers of hidden information, other people hold puzzle inside, their piece that is important to complete the picture.
Rude people always want something that they feel are entitled to get, and they go to extremes when they are told no to their wished and demands. This is where fawning comes in - automatically saying yes to people in order to avoid the consequences. But how often there is a lunatic person going berserk? It is more often that people should be told where is their place. Angry person should be told and informed when acting out from amygdala, how ridiculous they are behaving and telling them what they are doing, to take responsibility when they cross the lines and exploit others.
Often times the socially anxious person is accused of being hypersensitive - and this is gaslighting. Usually people who accuse others of being over-sensitive are over-sensitive themselves, otherwise they would not recognize this in other people. Looking at the arguments - people who feel anxiety are kind and they usually stay quiet. But what happens when they do speak up - since they observe reality from more than one dimension, this triggers feelings of irritation in people with less abilities to see other than one angle of everything, they are the ones who react too much at what has being said. So the argument is turned into fight, and this is due to logical fallacies. People who are easily spoken are the ones who cut corners in order to makes sense of reality, and they end up being very angry and irritated due to cognitive dissonance. And then they will blame the others for being over-sensitive when they turn argument into hysterical conflict. Telling the truth can be done without causing hurt to others and being frantic - and others who are less intelligent will try to scare more intelligent people into submission and self-censorship. This is at the root problem of social anxiety - knowing the better, but being forced to stay quiet since the bully will try to silence others who do not go along with their short-sighteness through mocking, ashaming and controlling. This is why the novel Lord of the Flies (1954) resonates so much with social anxiety, conflict and confrontation is at the root of social anxiety, the inability to defend oneself from idiocy and bullies. Without self-censorship - it is very easy to expose the pontificator as the nervous one, who will over-react to the truth and is unable to have thick skin.
Social anxiety is fear from criticism as an official trait from psychological science, media and motivators - but I would say it is rather the fear from responding to criticism. That the other person would physically or psychologically harm the target, or mock them or humiliate and ashame them. But if you speak the truth - if you tell it objectively and without emotions, cool and gathered - there is no reason to get emotionally involved or to self-censor yourself. You simply tell the truth. We have the ability to see any topic from multiple angles and dimensions - we simply state them all, and expect the cognitive dissonance as natural reaction to the truth. Not only that, it is not about being the right, it is in stating the elephant in the room - other people have no ability to see the elephant nor to describe it. And it is Socratic fact that there is no ultimate truth, and with such knowledge, there is no point in believing that others are automatically correct, no matter how loud or hysterical they may respond to us. It is about hanging on to truth rather than being stuck on emotional response of hysterical argumentative, polemic person. And this is fine example of not being trauma bonded with external referencing and external validation. It is not about believing that others, external is the truth, but rather about being the truth itself as the center of focus.
Social anxiety comes down to being programmed and conditioned to regard any conflict as the personal attack, to view any possible confrontation as brutal and hysterical. Also it is being conditioned into socialization where there is no second thought about harming others and thinking how it may affect them.
Over-simplifications leads to distortions. The definition is: "simplification of something to such an extent that a distorted impression is given." This is connected to social anxiety - because people who feel socially anxious are aware of multiple levels and see things from different angles - while most of people simplify their emotions, thoughts, opinions and then it comes out as condemnation, personal attack, idiocy, toxic shaming - which is hard to recognize as oversimplification, especially for socially anxious people who were told to be friendly, open, to accept others and their ideas automatically - while these ideas come inside us as condemnation and shaming. In reality, most people - even those who are manipulators will package their messages as a way to get out of other people, it will not be done to destroy others. But nevertheless, for people with social anxiety, especially those who experiences Complex Trauma, they see over their simplification and they are able to see right through the mask and they are able to see the corruption inside the messenger. This is what is creating social anxiety - being able to see hidden goals from people who appear as friendly yet annoying critics. Additional problem is when you start to communicate with such person, the messenger will feel attacked, and won't understand the annoyance and irritation and will respond with hostility - and this hostile response will make socially anxious person to shut up, self-censor and isolate. The solution is to speak out, to be honest, to tell the truth. Eventually the truth will come out, in the process of interrogation. And usually the messenger will be exposed as fake, ignorant, dumb and evil. That's what makes social anxiety, as I said before many time, some kind of mechanism of detecting falseness in people, it detects fake people, people who present their masks as their real face. The only weapon against them is transparency, telling the truth, being honest.
I see this attaching process as problem. It contributes to social anxiety, to the level of fears and panic that I feel. I perceive danger where there is none in reality. I fight shadows, and in reality it is not true at all, things that I prejudge about someone.
People who are obnoxious, aggressive to me - are doing the same attachment. They feel threatened by my actions or words or behaviour- but instead of being quiet, they ashame me, they attack me, they attack the idea of me being superior to them that can cause them pain. From my perspective - I do not see it like that - I am not superior for start, and I am not threat - I do not cause others damage.
I see the solution to this - being honest and not succumbing to self-censorship and isolation, withdrawal. People may lie and they may tell lies - but this can be exposed by more talking and pointing out the elephant in the room. Some people hide their wrongdoings, evil schemes, and this makes them uncomfortable, they feel threatened by intelligent people who can discover and uncover their childish, selfish, greedy intrigues.
So when in panic, I attach quick mental shortcuts to people and events - and thus I make additional panic and fears. Also, I fail to see that other people are not feeling or experiencing the same things as I do, their past is different from my own, their thinking has submerged and unknown forces inside that they are not even aware of. What I see in others is only a mask, a facade, a tip of iceberg. This means, before making conclusions I have to take into consideration the hidden factor. This is connected with social anxiety because the fears and panic that I feel in social settings is my inability to see more than what is going on objectively and what I see at face value. I jump to conclusions and feel scared - because I attach my fears from past on the current event and ongoing people that are currently there. When I go on auto-pilot, this inability to break out ego-centrism have detrimental effect - I withdraw, I self-censor, I put myself in tunnel vision and operate only at what I see - I cut my choices short, I lack idea how to solve problems, because I presume what is going on is the only reality. This way others can manipulate me, they say something - and I believe it and I focus only on that. I do not presume there is something else going on. I shut up and obey their commands, wishes and orders. Instead I could investigate, talk and point out the elephant in the room. When people get hysterical as reaction to my interrogation, this does not mean they are correct - it is a sign they are hiding something and they are frightened that I will uncover their hidden intentions that may entail evil plans. If person refuses to cooperate, to talk and to behave in civilized manner, it would be good choice to remove myself from the situation and minimize or block contact if possible.
So the one of social anxiety problem is - what exactly is illness here? Automatic behaviour such as feeling fear and reacting to fear - fight, freeze, fawn, flight - are automatic, they are normal reaction to abnormal situation. The real problem is not these fears or going along with fears - but the real problem is being stuck in a loop such as intrusive thoughts, searching for solution, which means we are unable to evaluate what can we control. Toxic shame makes us believe we are above humans and we can control other people, outside circumstances and that we have to control the uncontrollable. I would then focus more on getting unstuck, rather than calming down and fighting fears, this only makes fears more stronger. So auto-pilot would be that I automatically engage in intrusive thoughts and ponder over things that I can't control - being unable to stop worrying about something that I have absolutely no control over. Toxic shame here is again culprit that breeds distortions, distorted reality and distorted obligations and rules that I must be super human and then feel bad about myself for not achieving these unachievable, unrealistic goals. Toxic shame is also that I do not define the problem but I attach my emotional past wounds to explain something I do not like, by projecting what irritates me onto innocent targets that resemble my past annoyances.
Another hidden pattern apart from being stuck in loop is the cloud of pessimist, negative stance. That there is no solution and nothing will get better. I see these two patterns hovering above any mental issue. This means, a person who is having mental issues will not notice these two patterns, being zoomed in to a problem too close. Person will be zoomed to the object of fear without realizing that they are being stuck and that they have tremendous weight of negative outlook that is making decisions - keeping the person in perceived danger. I see that recognizing these patterns may be used as a general help to any situation that scares me. I would know that when I find myself in unfamiliar situation, that I can expect a tsunami of negative outlook about life - so this would not catch me by surprise - so that I can ignore it as irrelevant, instead of engaging and debating about the meaning of life or thinking how hard everything is or disgusting. Also, I would know that I focus on my work, goal, on activity, on any kind of action - not as a way to ignore the problem, nor as a way to make myself busy, but as a way to be unstuck. Also in my mind, this means that instead of engaging in PureOCD thinking, I would accept the fact that I am not perfect and that I cannot expect to solve problem that is outside of my control. Also I would know that being stuck means that I am prone to immature ego defense mechanism and that I am prone to mutism, self-censorship. So I would no longer perceive my need to keep quiet as mechanism and reaction that I used in the past as something that I would copy - now I would be aware what is going on and - I would try to talk, speak up my opinion, voice out the elephant in the room.
And in my personal instance, I would know that I have Complex Trauma issues - meaning that anyone who resembles as a hysterical person - will trigger a set of symptoms, that now I know are normal reaction to flashbacks and triggers. I would no longer feel ashamed if I react in fear and trying to protect myself by fawning, isolation and mutism. I would also know that I have the right to speak up and protest someone who is unfair. I would be aware now that due to external referencing, in the past I reacted as if the other person is better, more valid, experienced, and that I am not allowed to make mistakes. So, I know that making mistake is an issue - which can be "cured" - by making deliberate mistakes and seeing what happens.
I would also like to write out now about Wu Wei approach that I mentioned before. It is the idea that I allow actually my fears to run a natural course. The idea is that each person is different and if a person is told what to do - that person would feel like something is wrong, it would reject the instructions unconsciously, and the person would lose its personality and certain ways that are different from the accepted norms of society at that given time. The idea is - if it is not unkind or violent - there is no reason why something should be cured, corrected and instructed to behave differently. And that any intervention would be seen the same as toxic shame - that there is something terribly wrong with the person. And toxic shame would align with inner critic to torment the individual, creating more additional fears and panic in the process. Also, since we are prone to the Forgetting curve by Ebbinghaus, this means anything that we learn from outside that was instructed - it will be forgotten in time and natural inclinations will prevail.
One thing that bothers me with this approach is automatic behaviour - being on auto-pilot. If my "natural" response is avoidance, I will avoid action. Without action I will not grow tolerance to feared object and I would not gather information that would calm down my fears. Also, my auto-pilot may be implanted and programmed by external factor - such as annoying social pet peeves that I may not be aware of - such as not complying to accepted social norms as small talk, offering and sharing food and drink. And how did I conquer mutism - which was automatic auto pilot repetitive choice and decision? I was not instructed by anyone - there was no step by step - I realized that nothing bad will happen, that people will not hate me, that they do not hate me, I also observed that others are also feeling hesitant, that there is external factor - people who are rude because they are mentally ill, manipulators and have greed and corruption as their values, thus their criticism of me is not connected with my worth, I realized that there is paradox of truth/knowledge - that there is no absolute truth and people who appear as pontificators are exploiting this paradox to enslave, mock and put down others through criticism and complaining which are unfair and can be argumented. I also learned about Complex Trauma and concepts that are connected to fears of other people - fawning, external validation, emotional hijacking, introjection. So auto-pilot mode is detrimental if it is stuck in one-sided way - that does not allow "democracy" inside our head, so running on auto-pilot is dangerous only if I isolate myself from information and knowledge.
Another problem with awareness and consciously monitoring the thoughts is the same problem as with intrusive thoughts: "Chasing certainty will make you more uncertain". I see social anxiety as problem with monitoring the feelings and trying to resolve the imaginary and potential issues, which causes the loop of anxiety thoughts and fears. I also know from experience that anxiety is a liar, and the monitoring is not objective. It appears as objective and real but it isn't.
I see being zoomed in as one of the hidden problems with social anxiety. It is about being zoomed into a person who is rude, being zoomed in due to external referencing and past experiences, being programmed to fawn. Social anxiety is also being zoomed in how I appear - while I am not aware of other problems that are going on on a larger scale. I guess this is why would people label socially anxious person as over-reactive and too sensitive once they voice out their concerns, because the problems that socially anxious person perceives are detailed and narrow, focused too much close to things that are irrelevant in a grand scheme. Auto-pilot theory if applied here would mean - that I accept myself whatever I am doing but to turn it into my advantage with the knowledge - I know that I am focused too close and zoomed in - so I could accept this ability as a way to make change - that I point out what I see wrong, and then move on. With social anxiety I am stuck with intrusive thoughts in a loop, and I am afraid to speak, and then I obsess about things that scare me. What are my goals? What do I need? If something is bothering me - and my alarming does not help - then my goal would be to change the location, and find another one, so instead of worrying I would focus on my goal and plan it - then do it, by taking action. This also means that I start to be aware of my surroundings. Perhaps there are people around me that need help and I ignore them by being in my head, obsessing. Or there is something that I forgot that needs to be done, and I can't do it because of intrusive thoughts.
While taking action is important anti-dote to social anxiety - action does not mean only outside activities. Taking action is also when we listen to our voice inside how to repair things, fix something or coming up with new ideas and acting on them, it means experimenting and trying out new things that make sense or are proposed as solution. With social anxiety we are so wrapped in negative and pessimist outlook that we don't even wanna try something, adjusting something, upgrading something - it doesn't seem important enough. It's because detrimental side of social anxiety is inactivity, giving up on anything.
It is like Star Trek episode when the crew lost their memory of their identity and then they were given false information about the ship's mission and thus were exploited.
That is also social anxiety. It is like not trusting your own identity, own goals, own reactions, natural reactions - and being forced to fawn in order to socialize with people who are uncooperative, rude, intrusive and aggressive. It is not knowing what to do in situations that are scary, unknown and dangerous, and then leaning on to explanations that are either pessimistic or antagonistic. What is expected of me to behave and do runs my decisions and thoughts - and usually it is toxic shame theme: that I must be strong, that I must hide my fears, that I shut up, that I obey. When I am afraid I am easy target for predators and I am easy to be controlled.
So it is about finding out the virus - what person is predator, external factor. I will try my best not to say something wrong, not to hurt others, I will be preoccupied what they think, about their opinion and that I do not disappoint others - but if they are recognized as predator - I no longer need to carry people pleasing burden. Since predators are hard to recognize, my best bet against being exploited - is to be honest all the time, being authentic and not hiding my vulnerabilities in the same time. I think if I express my fears, that I will have courage to stand up for myself, too. I can voice out what I dislike once I stop hiding what embarrass me.
This is another reason why I consider Wu Wei as better solution than being aware and on guard all the time, being aware what kind of thoughts I am thinking. Being serious and being concerned about fears is a form of being stuck.
amenclinics.com: "Narcissistic personality disorder is actually a brain disorder. Brain imaging completely changes the way we think about personality."
"Long-Term Narcissistic Abuse Can Cause Brain Damage"
https://psychcentral.com › blog › liberation › 2017/10
Narcissism, dysfunctional childhood, being exposed to relentless criticism, taking the blame is causing the brain to develop injury. The abuse is etched in the brain. This means that it will influence our thought process and manifest in two ways:
1) being stuck: as the urge to be stuck, as a non movement, as thinking loop, trying to solve the unsolvable, PureOCD, focusing obsessively on the object of perceived danger
2) being negative: catastrophizing and viewing life hard, impossible, forgetting the good and ignoring achievements, observing everything as black and unworthy giving energy to being immobile.
This is default way of thinking with brain injury. It is automatic, it is auto-pilot. There is inability to view anything apart from these two default ways, so it is influencing thinking, worrying, focus and general direction of thought line. It impacts thinking process - and we are not aware of it, since it is default way of operation ever since childhood trauma. Since we are not aware this is etched and ingrained in our brain, no advice will help us - since our default thoughts will always fall back to these two main patterns of thinking, due to brain injury. We may read or get some advice - to be happy, to instruct our intrusive thoughts in accordance to PureOCD techniques - but it won't work as soon as some uncomfortable situation, flashback or trigger. This is why some intrusive thoughts stay stuck like a leech and they can't be shaken off. The additional problem is that many people are not aware that they have anxiety or fears, and if they are aware of their panic, they are not aware of intrusive thought behind the fears - and if the know about intrusive thoughts, they do not know what situations and people triggers them. So the loop is here to stay, it is etching in a brain, it is a groove in a broken record that the needle will stay stuck at. Ebbinghaus Forgetting Curve will not help either - every advice, step by step instruction or rule or explanation will fade away with time, and our brain will default back to the brain injury etching. It is molded like that.
The solution to brain injury is easy:
1) be active, get unstuck, shift focus from perceived danger
and
2) be optimistic on force, even when I don't feel like it.
I help my brain to get moving. I know now that my brain is unable to do this shift on its own, I have to help it out. Brain injury will make brain to default back to intrusive worry and seeing the world as black - but I know now that I can expect this. It is not the result of what is going on outside - it can be triggered by external events, but the feeling of catastrophe and being zoomed onto danger is what I understand now my brain will default thinking process onto, like a pouring rain that default to drainage, to the ditch, trench, runnel and gravel, it will flow to etched incision, carved path of thinking in a neverending loop and gloom - it is natural to brain. So I can't let it go on auto-pilot. I have to intervene by changing focus. Without brain injury concept I actually do intervene all the time - I get flashbacks, triggers and fears - and then I run along my fears - either by replaying what happened, what might happen or how to prevent this uncomfortable situation in the future. I intervene by engaging with fears that are springing from the brain injury trench. To me it does not appear as injury, it appears as normal, daily thoughts process.
This focus on my brain to move on does not mean:
1) being busy just for the sake of business
2) ignoring someone rude just for the sake of avoiding danger
3) trying to be perfect and avoiding mistakes.
Focus on brain to help it get out of rut means being proactive - but action also inside my brain. It doesn't have to be physical action. So when someone is rude, aggressive my brain injury will default into people pleasing and fawning - and to get unstuck here is to be honest, to speak out, voice out the elephant in the room instead of self-censorship. Brain injury pessimism will make me think that I must be perfect, because it sees the world in extremes and polar opposites, there are no gray areas. So moving on, helping my brain to move on means that I accept making mistakes and not being perfect. It means I do not panic when I do engage with intrusive thoughts. I simply notice it and move my focus on something productive. Being busy just to obfuscate some issue is act of being stuck - because it does not resolve anything when I do nothing and make pretend that there is no problem.
Brain injury concept works because it validates the pain. Pain must be validated. Love is missing from the equation of trauma. Brain injury concept tells the brain that there is someone who will take care of it, and help it to get out of stuckness.
Brain injury is abandoned if we don't acknowledge and when we do not realize it is stuck.
Unwittingly, we act toward our brain as Joker explained in 2019 movie:
"What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash!?"
Without being aware of it, when we are not aware that our brain is stuck - we treat it like trash. We abandon it, even though from our perspective we try to help it by engaging in neverending intrusive thoughts that are stuck like a leech. Brain injury will make us to people please and have external referencing - meaning we will adjust our behaviour, thoughts and actions in accordance what other people expect of us. This is moral injury, we are injuring ourselves everytime when we shut up and not stand up for ourselves, when we get along with people who clearly cross our borders.
Trauma is the result of being criticized and lack of love. Without being aware of it, when we are not aware that there is injury inside because it is invisible, we perpetuate the lack of love and abandonment, the same one that caused the injury in the first place. And it is not our fault to be injured, nor it is our fault for not being aware of invisible etching inside our brain. It seems that even psychologists, motivators and authors are not aware of the whole picture. For example, the book Body keeps the score also - inside it at first glance - I did not find practical ways or any direction how to heal. It was all general. It described that there is injury, but without medical pictures how it actually looks - I googled this only a few days ago, while I read the book 4 months ago. The information about injury per se is not enough. The crucial bit of information that is lacking is the brutal truth: that the injury is etched, engraved inside and my thinking process will always default to it no matter if I feel safe or unsafe, if I am calmed or hypervigilant and hyperalerted. My thinking process will always somehow end up getting stuck in intrusive worry and feeling that everything is wrong. And also - that my awareness, my thoughts, my logical conclusion are the protagonist who must help out the brain. This part is not explained by the books or authors or external help. The outside help speaks as if the brain will somehow heal itself by magic simply by knowing the information about brain injury.
So the framing effect has to do a lot about brain injury concept as the final solution to Complex Trauma and social anxiety.
"The framing effect is a cognitive bias where people decide on options based on whether the options are presented with positive or negative connotations; e.g. as a loss or as a gain. People tend to avoid risk when a positive frame is presented but seek risks when a negative frame is presented. Wikipedia"
Brain injury means acknowledging the hopelessness and worry as being stuck in a rut and that our logic need to help the brain to move out of the ditch. The fear will make me to be always kind and nice, I will not be aware of other perspectives, since the brain injury defaults to pessimism and zooming onto danger. I am not aware of alternatives.
The good analogy would be a wool cap during a windy, cold day. Without the wool cap it is uncomfortable to stay outside, you feel the wind, the cold seem the current danger, discomfort and you try to find ways to stand in a position that will somehow cover the external influence. But if you put the wool cap, you can be outside in cold and windy conditions and they won't matter to you anymore, now you focus on other things as you would on any other normal day. You are no longer worried or alerted of external conditions that appear harmful and annoying and relentless. So brain injury concept does not mean radical changes. It is without any colossal changes, other than shifting the focus. It is going alone to plan as usual by being focused on the plan, and not worry or pessimism. We nudge our brain. Otherwise it would spent time and energy and money and focus on unimportant things, unproductive things that appear as drama and main ongoing issue that I have to deal with, something that is out of control and I am supposed to control it somehow - I have to seek ways to control and fix it and maintain it.
Curb your enthusiasm is the message behind dealing with brain injury concept. And it goes both ways - in situations where I am scared, but also when I am happy and confident and secure, so I curb any hysteria and over-reaction. It seems paradoxically that I am more prone to annoying and obnoxious actions when I feel happy and secure. Usually when I feel ashamed, scared I tend to freeze and freeze-fawn as a default reaction to something I find disturbing.
Brain injury intrusive worry default thinking process is like a scratch that simply can't be scratched enough to stop itching. And of course I end up never being happy, I always look out for danger due to being hypervigilant and in state of hyperalertness.
We should not look at brain injury as catastrophe.
I see the act of helping our brain to get unstuck as a shift in another dimension. We make a crucial step when we do this, we become smarter than our brain and we make contact with it. Without brain injury, the relationship between the brain and logic would be synchronized or master-slave relationship. It would all go unnoticeable especially for people with lower IQ and certainly for people without empathy. This fantastic opportunity is not the only benefit from having brain injury. The "normal" people who have no brain injuries are actually prone more to anxiety and mental meltdown later in their life, when they encounter trauma. Since they never experienced it before, they do not have immunity for it and they will not know what is happening, they will not be aware that they have been injured inside and that there is injury. As adults, they will have harder time to be willing to accept the idea to manually pitch in the unknown areas of the brain, especially if they never used it at all.
SuperEgo here is also interesting entity - we let our accumulated knowledge to take charge instead of our brain. Ideas, voices, common sense are there all the time, the injury does not extend to it because it is not physical, it is not made of material, nerves, cells. The information that SuperEgo gathers extend our dimensions. We just have to allow it instead of obstructing it with our urge to think, fix, our shoulds, obligations, rules, shame, and other people opinions.
Now to Moral injury - as per definition: "Moral injury is a deep violation of one's own moral and ethical standards that affects mental health."
It would pay off if we investigate more what are our moral and ethical standards. Are they over-sensitive? Are they allergy? Or do I have self worth that deserves to be defended?
Are my moral injuries based on standards that are hysterical? Do I ask too much from myself and others? Are my standards objective and realistic?
Now why I did not realize the brain injury concept sooner? I was exposed to some of information about it before. But I was blind to what was obvious. It is similar to the movie from 1989 "See No Evil, Hear No Evil" where two main characters do not acknowledge the obvious - that they are invalids.
Social anxiety solution needs the same action as for a person who for example lost its legs and needs to accept the truth. To admit I am invalid is the first step. I did not do this. This is why Bradshaw spent so much page in his book about 12 steps and suggested it as main therapy for people suffering with toxic shame. I did not relate to this advice since I do not drink. And I thought that social anxiety was over once I got full time job, being surrounded by people all the time and making contact and interaction with them - with some of them being very rude and anti-social. This is the mistake from the therapists - they say that avoidants must face their fears - so the individual might taught that the avoidance issue is gone since I do not avoid people - but it cannot be resolved if I am still triggered and when I still struggle with flashbacks. Also the missing concepts were missing out of the picture. Main concepts for social anxiety required to manage it is external referencing, trauma bonding, fawning and Polyvagal theory with CPTSD. All of these are not mentioned at all in the official resources for Social anxiety.
I would like to explore why in the past when I was introduced to 'shift your focus' idea and 'nothing really matters' did not work for me - it was because I still cared. My default reaction was fawning. My toxic shame obfuscated SuperEgo. I trauma bonded with others. Again, missing concepts. I knew about inferiority complex - but I did not get it how it is expressed in my thoughts and actions, and I did not know what can I do about it. Because my main focus was other people opinion. I knew that fact - but I did not know how to shake it off. I knew also that I must be good and that I do not spread negativity - which only built up the people pleasing issues and codependency.
Missing concepts and lack of knowledge is at fault why social anxiety flourishes.
I see Moral injury concept connected to being tired and illness and allergies. It is also connected to control of other people, as manipulation tool.
It is like in corrupt Balkan - there are no word to translate narcissism concepts, since the narcissism and toxic shame is accepted as normal and standard, not something to be analyzed and carefully screened as illness. There are no word to translate gaslighting or scapegoating, it can only be translated as description. As Philip K. Dick said: "The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words."
With brain injury concept I start to realize that my happiness depends on my brain to be happy. The unhealthy stuck part - I rely on it, and I put my courage in it - and it is broken. I wait for my brain to be happy, I wait for my brain to become courageous, I wait for my brain to move. I delegate all responsibilities to my brain and I have no idea that it is stuck. The stuckness, fears and anxiety appear as mysterious and unknown caprice, something that has unknown origin and that is from my perspective something outside, and I have nothing to do with it, I do not meddle into that. But I meddle into worrying and thinking. I do not meddle into following logic and common sense, but I meddle into when I plan how to get even to people who hurt me - without actually doing at all. I wait for my brain to turn itself into something powerful, strong, courageous all by itself, and I wait and wait. No one told me the brain is not in charge for that, the key is in my thoughts, logic and decisions.
"Monroe's decision to go blonde was one she made in an attempt to reinvent herself as a new person before her career even started."
https://www.cheatsheet.com/entertainment/marilyn-monroe-natural-hair-color.html/
I was as natural as my surroundings approved it. Without realizing it, my free will was not free at all. Others molded me and it never occurred to me that I can think for myself and do things that come up from my thoughts, not from accepted social norms and what seems normal and what is approved by imaginary audience of critics in my head.
I delegated my brain to bring happiness to me. So my happiness, my life goals depended on my brain - who has an etching from brain injury trauma, and due to this hidden injury it gets stuck in being pessimist and it gets stuck in OCD thinking loops. And I am not aware of none of that - neither the delegation, not even the whole process nor the injury.
It's no wonder the social anxiety happens. It is wonder that something extremely serious has not resulted from this. I think this happens because we were punished too much when we were kids. We become way too aware of detrimental effects of wrong decisions and mistakes, that are not realistic, objective or normal. We were scared into injury, withdrawal and prison and hibernation.
Other people are fake, they wear masks, they are not themselves, they can't be. If they were true, they would be dull, inhabited, normal, mediocre. And I won't be happy if I rely on my brain to auto-pilot myself. I need to interfere and use my thoughts to find solutions, ideas and follow on them. The ideas will come from SuperEgo that is connected to others and to higher dimensions. I will become relay, "an electrically operated switch".
- Polyvagal Theory (tells us what happens when we are afraid)
- immature ego defense mechanism (to realize what we are doing wrong)
- cognitive distortions (ways how we try to control the uncontrollable events and people)
- external referencing, external validation (we see others as Gods)
- Complex Trauma - CPTSD (programming from childhood that gives us triggers now)
- Flashbacks and imprinting (that influence our thinking and dysregulate us)
- fawning (response to fears in form of being obedient and self-censor)
- introjection (soaking up other's emotions so their reactions stuck at us like leech)
-amygdala hijacking, emotional hijacking (our fears take over the plane)
- ego-centrism (when we see events and people only from limited, skewed, one view)
- logical fallacies (we learn that there is no absolute truth, SAD - social anxiety disorder- believe only others are right)
- cognitive biases (we learn that we are aware only of limited input we expose ourselves)
- self worth and intrinsical values (we trust our gut and mistakes instead of rejecting it)
- scapegoating (we learn when someone tries to shut us up)
- gaslighting (we learn when someone tries to manipulate us)
- narcissistic injury (to learn why people are rude)
- trauma bonding (Stockholm syndrome is also social anxiety described)
- cognitive defusion (we learn not to take our thoughts as exclusive reality)
- PureOCD and intrusive thoughts (we learn our fears are actually thoughts stuck in a loop)
- thinking errors (we learn some thoughts are like virus code)
- inner shadow (we accept that we are ok even if we're dumb, make mistake, embarrassed)
- inferiority complex (we learn what makes us to fawn)
- narcissistic abuse (to learn about predators and external factor)
- emotional abuse (verbal abuse, psychological abuse)
- emotional dyregulation (we learn our symptoms are normal reaction to abnormal settings)
- Descartes Evil demon hypothesis (to let go of ego-centrism)
- Zoroastrianism (to learn to be authentic, honest and speak up the truth)
- Elephant in the room (we have ability to see it - this cause anxiety because we shut up)
- External factor (we realize we attract predators like moth to a flame because we're ok)
- Perfectionism (let go of our drive to serve and be obedient by making deliberate mistake)
- Codependency (we learn being dependent on others is addiction, not our whim)
- Action (we are defined by what we do, not what we say. Also, action is healthy)
- Ambiguity (we learn SAD is like being in vacuum - we try to hold on to people to get grip)
- Agreeableness (through Wu Wei we accept our need to fix others but with conditions)
- Wu Wei (we do not punish ourselves yet we let go our reactions to come naturally)
- Learned helplessness (we understand we grip onto others because of programming)
- Three Stages (to avoid allergy, Karen mode- we gather information before making move)
- Assertiveness (we speak up, voice out our concern without expecting others to change)
- Ebbinghaus Forgetting curve (whatever steps and instruction we get- we will default to our normal everyday mode - which may be brain injury)
- Brain injury (it is etched in our brain to be immobile, to freeze and to feel depressing so it determines our thoughts and decisions if left on auto-pilot. IT is up to us to take manual over-ride and be active and focus on purpose to our task, move on)
- Super Ego (it is conglomerate of all knowledge and information we learned, it is database how to act, how to discern right and wrong and we can use it as our guide, with mistakes included - as learning process. Instead of toxic shame as guide or external validation-other people opinion and their relentless unfair criticism, we use our intrinsical nuclear power plant inside us: Super ego)
- Paradox of knowledge (there is no absolute truth. Predators exploit this through toxic shaming of easy targets: people who are nice, kind, silent, cooperative and who listen to authority - which may lead to Milgram experiment. Truth is that I am right and so are other people as long as we are not violent or unkind. Our honest mistakes are ok, we are not dumb, wrong for making unintentional mistakes)
-cognitive fusion (We understand that we can't trust our thoughts all the time, that the anxiety is lying to us, and that we make space between our thoughts and our interpretations, rules, obligations, shoulds)
- Have no ill will ("Be just and fear not" - I do not want to hurt or cause pain to anyone)
- Speaking the truth (seems easy and dumb, but it is very controversial and radical)
- Trying too hard to understand what is going on (Instead let the super-ego supply info)
- Bad things happen even when you are careful (you cannot control events, situations, people no matter how much you follow the most perfect advice or steps or instructions)
One of my rules that are etched in injury is the belief that I must be the opposite from my toxic environment. I see and observe so many nervous, angry, aggressive people around me so I decided somewhere in my early 20s to never be angry myself and always be agreeable to others, to show with my behaviour how people should interact. I followed psychology advice without even knowing about it that someone discovered this long ago:
In cognitive fusions lies hypnosis and how other people can control us. Actually we were exposed to thinking beyond the physical, our trauma is etched this way. Trauma is cognitive defusion in negative way. Instead of using to encourage ourselves to get on our knees, it is used to walk as other person obey and command us. It is used as a tool or instrument to pull our strings. Also, here lies the secrets of psychopaths and narcissists who due to brain deformity have small amygdala and they are unable to feel empathy. So they have no obstructions to go against the current and attack others, break social norms and unwritten social etiquette. Toxic masculinity is hidden here as well. Every time we break auto-pilot, the comfort - it is cognitive defusion. Until now it was done only through criticism, nagging, violence, being exposed to hysteria and unfair treatment that breaks moral and ethical standards.
I see this brain having a mind of its own as Id. While my logic, decisions, intuitions, common sense are SuperEgo. And me being aware of both of them is Ego. I can over-ride Id and SuperEgo by my decision to do so and it feels yucky, as if I separate glued parts.
It feels uncomfortable to rely on our decisions and logic that are different from comfortable and safe rut - but we forget that being on auto-pilot does not mean being safe in long term. Just because we are isolated right now, does not mean it will stay safe tomorrow or any other day. We know this from times when we were scared by something. We know this from experiences where we indeed had to go against our fears - applying for a job, going to a party, talk to strangers, asking for help from rude person, encountering psychopaths out there when we need something from them - even when we only ask for something simple and easy as information, there are situations where we were torn from safety - accidents, scandals, sad events, shocking events. So if we rely on auto-pilot we will allow others to shape our life and our future. It appears safe, it appears comfortable as it is something known and familiar, but it is detrimental in the long term and it leads to being uncomfortable in the future anyway.
Analogy example would be encountering someone rude aggressive and uncooperative. We might think to shut up, to stay silent and to obey as a way to stay safe and comfortable to avoid conflict and confrontation. But this will produce more abuse and bullying in the future - since the psychopath will interpret our silence as a green light to continue abuse. The correct thing would be - as the general rule for all narcissists - to be objective, speak out the elephant in the room, to make them see what is obvious to us, to tell them what their actions, behaviour and words are: rude. It feels uncomfortable for us if we were programmed to be obedient and silent and to people please others. It will will uncomfortable to stand up for ourselves in the form of simply stating the obvious, without fighting and yelling and drama.
- Home? lnside me? l don't understand.
- Home is a place we all must find, child. lt's not just a place where you eat or sleep. Home is knowing.
Knowing your mind,
knowing your heart,
knowing your courage. lf we know ourselves, we're always home anywhere.
-
They've had what they've been searching for in them all along. l don't know what's in you. You'll have to find that out for yourself. But I do know one thing, you'll never find it in the safety of this room.
l tried that all my life. lt doesn't work. There's a whole world out there, and you'll have to begin
by letting people see who you really are.
Success, fame and fortune, they're all illusions. All there is that is real is the friendship that two can share.
THE WIZ (1978)
It is crucial for deeper level recovery that we learn that feelings of fear, shame and guilt are sometimes signs that we have said or done the right thing. They are emotional flashbacks to how we were traumatized for trying to claim normal human privileges.
Complex PTSD
P. Walker
You need to start to cheer for, support and validate yourself. Period. I realized I spent 40 years criticizing my reflection or ignoring it. So focused on things that they haven't achieved or things they failed at. Research out of Harvard, it's recent, they've shown in studies that simply taking a minute in the morning to get intentional about who you're going to be today and how you're going to show up changes your productivity, confidence, how impactful you are as leader at work and in life. Intentionally align yourself with who you're going to be.
YT You deserve to be seen, love, and acknowledged... But it starts with you | Mel Robbins
(27.10.2021)
The availability heuristic definition is: Your judgements are propelled by what springs most easily to mind. With Complex Trauma, brain injury inside the brain cause that the most easily spring to mind is being stuck and overall pessimism.
Resentment is also important part in social anxiety and Complex Trauma. It feels from anxiety perspective that resentment is energy that gives you courage and that you should nag and complain and attack people who cause you moral injury - but this is fake courage. The moral injury can be sometimes a result of reality perceived in totally wrong way. We never know what the other person is feeling and why they are acting as clutzes, they are not evil, they just behave like clutzes. We can never know why. This fact in the same time should not be used as a way to forgive them their obvious trespasses.
Having resentment is also component of begin stuck due to brain injury. It is about constant look of thinking who done us wrong, holding on to grudge and pouting. It makes us stuck in thinking loop, trying to resolve the unsolvable. Once again, it is up to our logic and decision to move on. Almost always, the resentment for people who done us wrong would never be confronted with the person who done us wrong anyway. Unless they initiate the argument, me acting out of anger does not help. We can't change others, we can't control other people. We can show them by our own example what is appropriate. We can't go through life yelling and screaming at people. For socially anxious people it might be good to experiment with this - if I never complained out loud, perhaps I should and see what happens. Complaining and nagging are by Glasser identified as unhealthy patterns of communication - and they should be avoided, however some extreme situations demand such response, especially if we deal with bullies and external factor. The idea that over-rides shoulds and rules is that I am allowed to make mistakes. And to make it more complicated, as Pete Walker said in his book about Complex PTSD, that the fear and shame that I feel when I do stand up for myself, when I react to abnormal people is urge to punish myself for claiming my rights, as I was programmed in childhood to deny them. This means, when I am assertive I will feel embarrassed due to trauma. I've done nothing wrong, but I will feel and label myself as hysterical or over-reactive or aggressive. So the trick is to perform this assertiveness in a way that I won't be rude, violent or unkind. The problem is that I feel ashamed, embarrassed and wrong even when I react to unfair situations and unfair people in the socially accepted way.
Getting stuck also means that I see every information as the Boolean logic. I don't see Fuzzy logic. I don't see Descartes Evil Deamon hypthosis. I don't take into consideration that this what I am being told is not applicable in all cases - I simply take it for granted and believe in it. This makes me gullable too. There is no absolute truth, and this can make me realize I can argue with people back. I don't have to take their commands, orders as a proof for me to be silent, I can say my piece, my defense and I don't have to feel inferior or wrong simply because someone else says something that may appear as true and truth at that moment. Without fuzzy logic, I am stuck in a loop in resolving other people's truths. I stop everything and wait for others to change. The problem is that I am aware of fuzzy logic, I am aware of all the data in my head telling the contradictory facts and information that are different from the ones I am presented by someone else, especially those in authority. This also makes me stuck, trying to assemble and rearrange my already stored information and check what parts are true.
This is good example:
"Getting up and moving forward is a choice" by Zig Ziglar. This is true, but the important thing is missing for people who would benefit to get up. This information will not motivate nor thrust up the person who is down. The person who is down would otherwise get up a long time ago. So this message, even though it is important and true - have no effect. This is similar to CBT. It explains you what is happening in detail, tells you what is needed to heal - but it does not have motor inside. There is no energy to move people up. The missing link is love. This message is formatted in a form of punishment, the same lack of love that people left traumatized in the first place. There is no empathy with the person who is on the ground. The missing text would be: "And it will feel incredibly yucky to get up, that disgust is normal and you can expect it. Get up anyway. It will feel wrong, embarrassing and it will be painful. Get up anyway. It will hurt you but get up anyway. Urge to fall down will come again once you are standing up at any given moment. Get up anyway."
CBT and unhelpful advice from people like Zig Ziglar are missing love component, care and empathy, understanding the other person. Cold statements will never work. People are not machines. Also, person who is down is hypnotized - and you cannot use the language and manner that does not speak in the same language that made people fall in the first place. You need to un-hypnotize them. Plain speech will not work. It is the same as it would not work if you talk to person in different language. They can see your mouth moving and they can hear voice vibration in their ear, but the message is garbled up, it is not getting through to receiver.
It is good to remember what Complex Trauma does to attachment:
- uncertainty about the reliability and predictability of the world
- difficulty with boundaries
- difficulty trusting others
- social isolation
- interpersonal difficulties
- difficulty attuning to other people's emotional states
- difficulty seeing others' perspective
- difficulty enlisting other people as allies
So being nice seems like a caprice, quirk or some weird peculiar behaviour of mine, while in fact, it stems from trauma.
Problem with toxic shame, social anxiety and trauma injury, moral injury is the same - it is perplexed with personality. This is why it is hard to separate feelings and facts. Cognitive defusion feels yucky and wrong and people who lack knowledge in psychology will defend their neurosis, since they cannot separate their anxiety, their wounds from themselves their personality, their persona. It is glued together.
(28.10.2021)
Why toxic shame is hallucination? First of all if you ever confronted the abuser (aka person who is criticizing in a way to devalue you as person), the bully would deny it. Some of them are not aware they are doing anything wrong. So they will simply stop and deny everything. They will deny that they said mean words, and that you simply took it in a wrong way. Others will shift blame on you. You will be the one who is guilty for your own shame. They will simply say you are over-sensitive, discussion over. As if you need a badge of approval to not be sensitive in order to interact with people. Also if abuser is cornered from all sides and you can without a doubt prove that abuser was abusing - then they will pretend to be a victim, to evoke sympathy. In any case - you lose. You are always the one who is provoking or making up something that is not there. Even though the toxic shaming, as an act of evil, is very real.
From this perspective, the toxic shame is like quantum physics. It appears differently when you observe it, and it is different when you are not aware of it. As soon as you observe it, it has influence over you, you made it real - concrete - it becomes reality that you experience as pain.
As I learned in contact with difficult people, their explanation and endorsement for toxic shame which they see in their eyes as then being "honest", "authentic" is simply a rouge, camouflaged bad manners. As Ursula said in her book:
"No one likes to be made to appear foolish or to be corrected in front of others - and of course this is just what the aggressive person does."
URSULA MARKHAM, How to deal with difficult people
She also gives a point about both how to fight toxic shame and how to communicate with other people - it is by stating the facts, what is obvious. It is not about harming and beating man's character, persona, so being honest and authentic is not the same as beating the dead dog:
"Assertive criticism always involves giving an explanation of the situation as the critic sees it, stating why it is a problem, how it makes him feel and describing what he wants to see done about it."
URSULA MARKHAM, How to deal with difficult people
We do not know anything about the other person. We only know what we see at the tip of iceberg, at face value, and that is not the core of someone's personality or persona. The good people will give the benefit of the doubt to everyone and forgive and fly over someone rudeness - but not in a way that it repress it or pretend that there is nothing there. Evil flourish when good people do nothing. Narcissists hate transparency - they hate the truth, they hate being faced with what they have done. So it is up to us to say it, warn and alarm them, explain them what they've done. It is not normal to curse. It is not normal to belittle others. It is not normal to scream and yell at others. That is abnormal behaviour, hysteria - it is mental illness. If you do it all the time. In rare, extremely rare cases you scream as reaction to shock, not all the time. Not in conversation. These toxic people will tell other that others, their targets are over-sensitive -but it is now obvious that toxic people are the ones who over-react and who are hysterical. They will threatened and in pain over everything and everyone around them. They are sick, they have narcissistic injury. So they exploit hidden and unwritten social rules, etiquette and norms to their advantage. They scream and rage at their targets because it is in their eye masculine, normal and freedom of speech. Well, if they are really masculine they would not act and react like drama queens. If they were mentally stable they would not over-react. If they have right for freedom of speech, so have the others, too. Freedom of speech is not limited for loud, obnoxious and aggressive people.
Since it is natural reaction to feel resentment towards people who are negative, rude, violent, unkind - we must be aware that this resentment is a trap into becoming victimizer. You become what you hate. Since our goal is mental health, this means that we have balanced view of ourselves and other people around us. If someone is angry, violent and unkind and aggressive, we can't do anything about the person - we can't incarcerate them, we can't inject them with sedative, we can't force them to be normal, this is unrealistic. And toxic shame is trying us to resolve and solve other people's anger. It is impossible, this toxic shame is hallucination, it forces us into magical thinking. This does not mean that we sit and take blows. This does not mean that we enjoy victim status. We must respond, the truth is the only weapon we have against lies. We can't talk, we can't defend ourselves if we feel toxic shame. So toxic shame must go - and it is possible only if we observe it as hallucination, which it really is. Without toxic shame we can stand up for ourselves. Without toxic shame we do not put focus on other people, we don't put our worth in other people hands, we don't make life about people who constantly create drama. Without toxic shame we can now turn back to us, to our values, to our opinions, to our truth and we can speak it out. Without toxic shame we are no longer ambassadors and speakers for angry and violent people.
My resentment is a way of controlling people. If someone annoys me - if I do not speak openly, if I choose to keep peace or avoid harm and attack from this person, another alternative is to hold grudge inside. This way I try to control other person who is doing something I find wrong, I perceive it as moral injury to me. I see plethora of problems in this. Perhaps I am not right, perhaps my moral injury is demanding too much from people - I expect them to be perfect, I expect them to be super intelligent, I expect them to care for other people while most people are stuck in childhood mentality of ego-centrism - and for many of them not even by their own choice, therefore I need to adjust my moral distress and my ethics, to lower my standards. The other problem is that I do not know what the other person is thinking and what are their goals are. It is additional problem that this person may not know due to their subconsciousness. Perhaps someone is manipulating them and hypnotizing them to be jerks to others. Another problem is - that I may be right totally, I may be right in every single detail - now the problem is how to communicate this to the other person. And this makes me to hold grudge and be silent, because I know that this person may not be intelligent enough to understand psychological concepts. If I hold resentment, this explanation process will be tainted with hate and inclination to turn argument into unnecessary conflict, Ad hominem. So the resentment is the external factor that does not belong inside us. It is evil that gives toxic shame energy. Resentment, pouting, grudge is a virus code in programming.
We hold onto resentment because it gives us fuel to face the enemy. We see the other side as enemy, so we do not hold back on the assault. Resentment makes us to control other people - and mental health is not about controlling others. We can't control other people. Controlling other people is mental illness. We can explain, we can talk, we can speak truth, we can show by our own behaviour what is correct, but expecting that the other person will change at the press of button is hallucination, that is toxic shaming. We expect to change the persona, while our only job is to change their external hands, actions and ways of communication that are faulty, wrong and detrimental. If we pick on other people's will, we are being aggressive and nothing better than a bully. This is what toxic people exploit. The rule that other people should not be messed up with - so toxic people do exactly this. We are instructed by society to respect other people, and toxic people simply break this rule. If we stay silent to this act, we encourage the evil to flourish. We simply alarm and alert of boundary crossing, it is not about the assault on the person.
Toxic shame and social anxiety come down to interpreting danger - where there is none. If toxic shame is hallucination, and instead of external referencing based on external - person that ashames me (or what I perceive as ashaming, or what person will later deny as ashaming), instead of this source, I put trust in my Super Ego (my decisions, logic and common sense, intuition and instincts) - what I am left is external factor. The psychopaths. And I can then observe my social anxiety as my personality, persona that is damaged through moral injury. It is injury caused by psychopath. How can I defend myself against it? Think about that. Perhaps through talking and communication. I could say "What will your blaming help now when its over?" The point is to let go of danger, sense of trepidation and that I observe the other person as someone who can hurt me. They cause me wound, an injury, a core, a cut - the same way as they would if they physically attack me. Through toxic shaming they also broadcast the message that I should put up with it, that I am oversensitive - the shaming is continuing. Their intent is for me to shut up and take their beatings. I ought to be strong by doing nothing while they are being hysterical. This part is distortion, this part is causing me moral injury and trauma and future flashbacks, when I self sensor myself and shut up. The secret is keeping calm without me becoming the monster. The problem is when I shut up and take the blame, but the problem is also if I become hysterical myself - since they will use this hysteria as proof for me to shut up. Also, as a general rule - screaming and fighting is not functional, there are no solutions - only new conflicts. But it is important thing to keep the perspective of knowing my own worth and knowing the concept of external referencing. My fears will try to shut me up as reaction to other people hysteria, and I will try to convince myself that I must be nice, that I am over-reacting, I will produce all kinds of rationalizations. Shutting up to rude people is the cause of trauma and stress, not the reaction itself. It is staying silent to the abuse. This being quiet for the sake of peace is what causes Moral injury, not being in the situation itself. This is why it is hard to let go of toxic shame, because I assume that if I let go of resentment, I will allow myself to shut up again and expose myself to abuse, I think that observing toxic shame as hallucination means fawning and suppressing and allowing evil people to abuse me. It is not. It is exactly the opposite. It is about having strength to react, to talk back and to defend myself. When I remove the burden of waves of being aware I am judged and criticized and taught badly of - it gives me strength to talk back, to explain my position and my defense, I can voice out the elephant in the room. At this point comes the facts about how people learn through our own behaviour, how we can't change other people, trying to do such thing is cognitive distortion, and that my genuine care, listening and empathy goes much further than fighting back. So I can try this empathy stuff, something I already have too much of. Empathy does not mean shutting up and being silent, I can use it and express it.
It is about understanding that people misunderstand others, that they lean on their shortcomings in conclusions so they form biases and logical fallacies, prejudices and bigotry. So I can expose those. I can understand that some people are hard of learning, for some people it is hard to think deeply. Then it comes down to 12 angry men movie synopsis - trying to find the truth by exposing the facts. Hitchcock movies also have the common theme - a main character being falsely accused and trying to clear misunderstandings by proving innocence.
Bullies and people who lack empathy or basic social etiquette will attack weaker people, those who they label and observe as weaker - people who are kind, normal, healthy, silent, obedient, hard-working, people who listen and who are responsible. This is why it is hard to throw off resentment and toxic shame. Because for the target, it seems that they will let go of any worth and care and safety that they have - but this is false protection. Holding on to resentment instead of talking back to people is bad for health, both physically and mentally. Shutting up to unfair treatment will leave us with invisible bruises. Our rationalizations will explain to us that we must upkeep our image and take hysteria without protest. No one does this. In our thinking, we think everybody is professional, cool and calm when faced with hysteria. That is not true. We also observe other people fighting, and because we detest rudeness, we do not see, we do not realize that there is a war going on - between good and evil, and our turning back on it gives evil power to exist. We do not separate people who fight - they all appear evil to us in our head- and we do not want to be evil, we do not want to be part of bad people, since we know about karma and butterfly effect. We explain this as a proof that we must shut up and self-censor and keep the image of nice, good person - and that there is no alternative to fighting and explosive conflict. This is lie. There is alternative - I can voice out what is happening and ask them to stop. And just see what happens - how will other person react. Some will realize they are jerks and stop. Others will be too proud to admit they are wrong. Psychopaths do not care - and now I will have tangible fact to work with - do I shut up to psychopath? Do I smile and pretend nothing is wrong? What is natural reaction to encounter psychopath who is aggressive to you? Shutting up and self-censorship is not healthy decision.
“Neurodivergent,” according to various sources, has a few different meanings. My personal understanding of neurodivergence is that those who are neurodivergent are not neurotypical. This means that their brains are wired in a different way than the ‘average.’ This typically includes diagnoses like ADHD, Autism, learning disabilities like Dyslexia (reading disability) and Dyscalculia (math disability), Tourette Syndrome, and Sensory Processing disorder. Some say conditions like OCD and anxiety that exist from a very early onset may also be considered developmental too. Mental illnesses are not generally part of this definition as many develop later in life and are considered an ‘illness’ rather than a unique neurotype.
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2021/10/25/neurodiversity-bullying-and-cptsd/
Neurodiversity, Bullying, and CPTSD
(29.10.2021)
Self worth means I see my own moral, values as valuable. This is what gives me strength and instruction what needs to be told. If I do not have evil thoughts, if I do not hurt anyone, if I do not wish ill will - there is nothing against the truth, it is rock solid - it is like diamond or titanium.
Being stuck due to brain injury is not about total immobility - it is being unable to move since you are stuck in a loop. You are very active but inside, you are not moving toward health, goals, tasks, you are stuck in repetitive and never solvable issues that keep on repeating itself without resolution.
Moral injury, an important factor in brain injury and toxic shame - means if I lower my moral standards, I will forgive and not react so much to small irregular choices of other people, since I know how hard it is to learn this concept and to maintain it.
I realized that in the past, people already talked and discussed the modern ailments, such as moral injury, toxic shame and brain injury. However, it was not so crystal clear as it is today, there were no concepts that would shine light in dark areas, so it was blurry. This means, there are many concepts that I am aware right now, but I fail to act in proper manner simply because I lack more information about it. So fears are always blurry. Fear is the result of chronic and extreme lack of information. Where then knowledge is the anti-dote to fear.
External referencing is when I take everything as absolute truth from other people.:
"It is amazing that when someone else spouts the nonsense you yourself believe you can readily perceive it as nonsense."
PHILIP K. DICK
It is about the ability instead of automatically take other person as truth and valid - but rather to automatically see other people on par with me - and it is a choice to trust common sense and intuition whether to believe what this person is talking about. When I shut up and try not to rock the boat, when I avoid conflict, and try to be nice person who is not nervous and argumentative - I am taking a heavy load on my back, like Atlas. Or Sisyphus. And I carry this burden on my back, so that I do not hurt other people around me. Well some people do not deserve this. I will end up serving bad people, while in the same time completely take for granted and ignore good people. This need to be nice will turn me in the corrupt environment into a slave, a drone.
(30.10.2021)
Regarding external referencing, in the media and in daily life - there is a chronic lack of good examples someone standing up to tyrant. Actually it is almost a taboo. It is as if it is forbidden to talk about it. Without standing up to bully, others can control us. Without good role models, we don't have idea how to react to abusive people. We try to either normalize it or suppress it, and both give rise to evil.
My point is, that it may not be social anxiety at all that is problem. Neither complex trauma, neither toxic shame nor any other finger pointing distortion. It just may be that it is intelligence being in conflict with twisted reality. Being able to see true reality, while people distort it with their screaming, yelling, imposing their opinions, should, rules that are wrong, distorted and sick.
Zeigarnik effect description is: "people remember unfinished or interrupted tasks better than completed tasks". So intrusive thoughts, especially those which stuck like a leech - they all are in the loop because something is not finished. I see it as Moral injury - it is being witness to something I can't approve and now it haunts be back, since I failed to defend myself, speak up, react to situations that triggered past trauma. Being humiliated, criticized, ordered around, mocked, spoken in anger.
Also trauma can cause some effects that are unexplained and ESP: Savant syndrome.
Why I didn't assert myself even after learning about assertiveness. I was informed that I ought to speak my needs- as people pleaser without information about external referencing and trauma bonding I do not know what my needs are. I was abandoned in childhood and I repeat this abandonment now. Assertiveness books and quotes do not take trauma into their lectures. This is missing link. I do not see myself as guide. I see others as guide - therefore I cannot assert, it would be the act of self-sabotage in my perception. I forget that each person is different, and this is the reason why assertiveness quotes do not dwell into psychological reasons why people do not stand up for themselves. This is why logotherapy and Sedona methods need update, a patch.
Being stuck - Staying in the car and pressing the gas is lack of love. It is abandonment. The same one from dysfunctional childhood environment, and it appears as love- it seems like we want something good- the other people change, that we move on by trampling our feelings, that I ignore other people's perspective and reasons why they act in ways that do not soothe me. Stepping out of the car and giving it a push is an act of love. By following my ideals, decisions, will, logic, common sense. This way I am giving myself love, I do the opposite from dysfunctional childhood programming. I do not abandon myself. I do not abandon my self worth. I stick by, stand by and help by my stuck brain - that is embarrassed, ashamed, mistaken, alone.
This is why CBT, Logotherapy and Sedona method do not work really in long term, as soon as some major trigger occurs; There is lack of information about:
1) External referencing - where we abandon our ability to function on our own and instead we believe we can't make our own decisions and instead we put it in other people's hands by listening to them, obeying them, automatic yes to whatever others demand however unreasonable, it is seeing and observing others as automatically correct, there is no shadow of doubt that other may be wrong or even against our well being. Especially when they are loud, obnoxious and aggressive. Or them offering advice or giving advice or instructions or shame as a way to control us. And we believe them automatically every word as ultimate truth.
2) Polyvagal Theory - Emotional hijacking will happen whenever we are triggered. This is outside of our control. We won't notice this change/transfer, it will seem as quirk, fluke, discomfort and something that I can and that I must control if I notice it. Then, I will try hard to understand what is going on, without being aware that amygdala is hijacked and I am not in control.
3) Brain injury - etching in a brain caused by Complex Trauma experience that defaults to two basic patterns of thought process: 1) being stuck in a loop of trying to resolve intrusive worries thus being immobile and 2) being pessimistic.
Here comes into the action logotherapy and Sedona methods - where they both say step out of the car and push it. But this is missing concept: Our brain is injured. It is not operational. We can't wait to feel well, to feel secure, to feel good enough to decide to move on and to change focus. This part of not waiting for the brain is the missing link. It's Stockdale paradox: accepting brutal facts and acting on our logic. This will feel yucky, that is cognitive defusion. Healing will take everything we got, it has weight.
4) Toxic shame is hallucination - without this fact I try to resolve inept feelings and I try to cling on external validation for directions in life and explanation of ambiguity of uncomfortable situations that are triggering me. Also missing information is that shaming is a method of controlling and manipulating other people. With internalized Shame along with external referencing - I become easy target to succumb to intrusive thoughts and giving importance at what other people think of me.
5) Self worth is Super Ego - inner database, inner internet where I have resources, knowledge, common sense, logic, intuition, instinct to guide me instead of external validation
6) Law of Jante - my Ego will broadcast Need to be right. I feel entitled that I think my needs have priority, while in reality Allegory of long spoons is the answer. What you get is what you give. What you give is what you get.
7) External Factor - some evil people are evil due to their decision, they use these methods for evil to exploit other people. They use toxic shame, throw temper tantrum and thus control easy targets. They do not want cooperation. They do not care about others unless it benefits them in any way. They see others as little ants, while in their minds they are elephants. Without recognizing them, we allow evil in our homes, intimate area, it is like a virus entering the body. External factors are the cause of brain injury and trauma.
8) Persona interloped and interlooped (married even) with injury - moving out the pain is also moving out parts of personality. Who are we to do control someone's personality, even our own? This is aggressive attack, people are not factory product that is produced. People are not cut out of paper to fit the mold. This means, accept your burden, mistakes, caprices, quirks and flukes and move in accordance with your logic in spite of them.
9) Anxiety is being awakened from matrix. World is stage play and we're actors. The information we gather in our Super Ego as depository for decisions includes some general rules - such as empathy and respecting other people boundaries, as much as it's about respecting owns. Since we can't know everything, and we must make mistakes - this means we forgive others when they are not perfect themselves.
10) Anti-psychiatry and Wu Wei - it means we got to be ourselves. And let natural flow lead us. If we feel panic - natural way to release it is to shake it off. "Why Zebra got not cancer with all their stress being chased?" They shake it off. They do not magically think and convince themselves they are ok or that there is no danger in the world. Or think that they are wrong, inept or not the same as others.
11) What is mental illness? What needs to be corrected? Someone's personality? Being aggressive, unkind and violent - and being frozen and immobile due to this evil is the only illness. Anything other is persona. Personality is intertwined with trauma, this is why society strikes early when the individual is helpless. Telling someone let it go means letting go of the soul inside. Lobotomy. Understanding it as pushing the car is different approach - is accepting intrusive worry and acting in spite of it.
12) Savant syndrome - CBT is ignoring Freud's iceberg under the water and it focus only on what is visible on the surface.
My need to be right is stemming from being hyperaroused, hyperalerted as explained in Polyvagal theory. I am not aware of little things that annoy and bother me, while in the same time they are in front of me and blinding me and I am not aware that I am aroused. So knowing Polyvagal theory gives me choice not to follow on through automatically on my whining, complaining, negative outlook and being stuck in worry. This need to be right is ego trying to be right. And this need is an intrusive thought. It is not anxiety worry of danger, so it is harder to recognize it as intrusive thought. Instead this need to be right appears as caprice, a quirk, shoulds or obligations. Since it makes me stuck in PureOCD mode, it is a brain injury wound. Moving on my focus will also feel yucky and now I understand that this yucky feeling indicates this is a form of addiction, there are chemicals involved. When I worry or engage in overthinking there is something inside discharged that makes me depend on this worry as safety, it feels right to worry. I get addicted to intrusive thoughts without even knowing it or be aware of it. Need to be right also is product of inferiority complex, because I feel threatened and I have urge to fight the competition, what I perceive as threat. If I am wrong, I think, I will be abandoned, ridiculed. It is connected to what other people think of me, seeking approval and what I perceive as approval. And I stay stuck in trying to prove my point, when the other person no longer even listens to me or doesn't care or will never understand. It is a part of seeking approval, seeking validation.
About External factor. There are people out there that invent their reality. They don't like some concept they simply deny it. For example, Paradox of truth being denied:
https://fee.org/articles/why-the-paradox-of-tolerance-is-no-excuse-for-attacking-free-speech/
or
https://giggsboson.medium.com/stop-misusing-poppers-paradox-of-tolerence-in-free-speech-debates-6f6ab4b8f0d3
Notice the domain - it is not official web page, by some institution or publishing house, or some credible source.
Also, this one denies Stanford prison experiment as fraud:
https://www.vox.com/2018/6/13/17449118/stanford-prison-experiment-fraud-psychology-replication
On philosophical level, everything is illusion and there is no absolute truth. Nevertheless, I will trust science and proven experiments - and the most of all - I trust it if it is practical, if it helps and when it can be tested in real life or through examples.
Being stuck also means when I get intrusive thoughts such as imaginary audience, or someone judging me, thinking badly of me, anything that I am afraid to do, or I can't do, or I failed to do, or I am about to do - I imagine one person talking about me in negative and judgemental way. This makes me feel shame, it is toxic shame. It is hallucination, there is no one there, so shame is coming from my negative imagination and catastrophizing. Then I may act on the thought to prove I am not like that. I got to realize and understand to recognize such thoughts as they stem from the wound, from the brain injury. And I will not be able to stop it. This means I got to tolerate that I am whatever this shaming says about me - I am stupid, lazy, dirty, poor, trash, unworthy, inept. And then do my goals, tasks at hand, unrelated to the messages and instructions from internalized shame.
(4.11.2021)
Little things that bother me - can be a trap. First, it is a sign of resentment. Resentment is virus. In my mind I find rationalizations to worry. The most of the time little things that are bugging me - I can't do anything about them. I can't confront someone, they - people or situations do not speak directly to me. So in that way it is not open communication channel. However in my rationalizations, I will explain that I am attacked and that I must defend myself. I will explain it as moral injury if I shut up. And I will equate it with situations where I was keeping silent for the peace sake. So I may convince myself to be hysterical, to worry and to keep loop of intrusive worry inside me, because I perceive it as defense, as reaction to moral injury instead of self-censorship. But in reality, this is not true. Intrusive worry, trying to resolve unsolvable issue as little things, and fighting it over and over in my head with someone who made mistake - which I see as the deliberate mistake - is actually passive aggressive. It is also a nuisance if I talk about it, it comes out as whining and complaining.
So the little things that are annoying are the same as trauma on the larger scale, it has the same mechanism as presenting danger and then thinking about it and trying to resolve the tasks and unfairness without actually doing anything that is capable of solving it. Worrying and being hysterical about people and situations and events does not solve anything. And both small and real worries are best handled as brain injury concept - to understand they will appear as caprices, flukes, obligations, shoulds, perceptions, it will not appear as being emotionally hijacked - so it is up to me to take charge instead of waiting for the brain to calm down and waiting for the brain to feel peace - because the truth is - it will never happen. Acknowledgment of trauma, brain injury, dysregulation is crucial, because without it, I will unwittingly tell myself that I am abandoning myself and that my decision to move on is punishment - since this was modus operandi of emotional neglect from the childhood that created trauma and brain injury in the first place. I got to come to awareness that moving on is exactly the opposite from abandoning and that it is an act of putting worth back to myself, trusting my instincts, decisions, logic, common sense and information and knowledge that I gathered, including the mistakes and tolerance of mistakes, observing mistakes as opportunities to fix or inspect the dark places that need more information. I would not make mistake if I knew how, if I know how to act, speak, do in the best possible way. And I also am aware that I can do everything correct but still result as bad experience and bad things happening anyway, no matter how I tried my best and followed the best advice and steps and instructions. Moving on is saying no by not saying anything, it is saying no by behaviour, saying no in a form of not avoiding things, places and people. If something bothers me and it is a little things - if there are rules that I obey - and bad things happen anyway, my worries might convince me to avoid it in order not to experience someone trespassing their boundaries. So moving on in this case does not mean walking away and avoiding it. It means coming back, doing my tasks, my goals in spite of little things. So little things are not the main focus.
For example: if I like to walk and have physical exercise - this is my goal, this is my task, this is healthy. However if I have to cross pedestrian walks in order to get to exercise - and there are people who do not obey traffic rules and make crossing the street over lined pedestrian crossing a dangerous act or annoying act - then instead of dropping exercise and walking routine - the correct thing would be to keep coming back. It comes down to being good and obeying the rules, I am not doing anything illegal or something that I cross someones boundaries. I have right to walk over lined pedestrian crossing - problem are aggressive drivers who do not follow rules. And my reactions will not change them, it is not up to me to educate every driver how to drive. It is illusion of control. It is looking for approval for other people that they start to be normal, and it is a form of control, trying to control other people - which is cognitive distortion. This does not mean that I cannot talk about it when someone mentions traffic issues, or to change place and location altogether if there are no laws, police doing their job.
I am not the judge here. My sense of righteousness can go overboard with trying to control other people. My rules, shoulds and opinions can be wrong, since there is no absolute truth and since I do not know other people, I do not know what weight they carry, it is not my job to change other people. And they will never change anyway. They will just pretend. So it comes down to toxic environment. There are places and countries where people do not obey the law in general, poor and uneducated countries, where people are greedy due to lack of money that they created in the first place with laziness and being aggressive to others and toxic masculinity. That is what it comes down in the end - what are the general population inside, what is their spirit, are they good people, do they know, are they aware of how their actions impact the others. Sometimes the best way is to leave. I cannot heal in the same environment that made me sick, frightened, afraid, isolated, agoraphobic and scared of people, relentless punishment and criticism that is unfair, biased and based on hate, lack of intelligence and personal spite.
So reacting to little things is actually pontificating, it is me being in a state of agitation, where I see the world as serious and I must be the judge who gives others sentences in my head. While in truth I have no control nor power to do anything. Except going back and doing my tasks, job, goals, dreams. It is connected to brain injury concept - that I move on, that I accept my intrusive worry, but to shift focus on my main and important goals instead of passive aggressive worry looping in my head, along with being optimistic on force, even though I do not feel like it. I see this un-stuckness as important factor in mental health and making the right choice in the right direction, something I did not do in the past, when I was not aware of this concept. Problem is that I do not see the effect right away. And problem are my caprices and flukes and peculiar thoughts are running my life - and I see them as small, unimportant insignificant parts of daily life, however they are hiding the unconsciousness that leads my life, as Jung said:
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."
Little things that bother me are connected to perfectionism and unrealistic expectations of life and from other people and myself.
A while ago I asked the obvious question: "Why healed people do not share their findings with the sick in order to heal them?". The same way antibodies are developed when virus is beaten in the body. In the same manner we are able to see how "healthy" people react to social anxiety world when they are able to visit it. The best example is through a movie. At the website 366 weird movies, the article describing the 3 Women (1977) movie depicts perfectly, how would a normal person describe social anxiety if they were able to experience and feel it:
"Although most of the movie is naturalistic, with nothing happening that could not quite happen in our reality, there is nonetheless a dreadful sense of illusoriness, as if we’re seeing events through a gauze."
I like this "seeing events through a gauze". That is social anxiety, fears, toxic shame. It is being wrapped in a veil. A veil of distorted thinking, wrong focus, being either zoomed to in, or out too much.
Another example is when people try to combat intrusive thoughts. The healthy people would find it very easy to perform manual over-ride when they are stuck:
Brain injury concept is also the concept of this brutal truth: "In unsafe environment if you are authentic, you get hurt." So I can do everything correct, step by step instruction, be honest - and I will be disliked. I have to know and expect this. Without this information, I get scared and think that I must shut up in order to not rock the boat.
Ambiguity effect - when I am in unknown situation I tend to cling on other people and thus form external reference locus of control, and this develops into people pleasing, being pushover and mutism, self-censorship. Another description of this same process is Konrad Zacharias Lorenz' principle of attachment or imprinting, "through which in some species a bond is formed between a newborn animal and its caregiver". From this position I do not understand due to trauma and abandonment and relentless criticism that I have my own self worth and I can make my own decisions. It is because of trauma, abandonment and taking criticism for anything I was programmed to believe I am inept and thus I must follow others to guide me. Problem is that trauma inside is broadcasting fear and defeat urge and feelings that seem real and unavoidable. I don't get that I can follow my logic instead. Another problem with depending on my own brain to move on, to wait I will feel good. And false belief that shifting focus on my internal referencing is difficult, hard or scary and that there will be colossal changes that evolve many altercations that I would not and could not keep up. Which is far from the truth. The idea of Wu Wei means I keep my personality. Trauma and personality are bonded, thus it is my destiny now, it will feel more comfortable to follow persona and move through life not against it. This means, if I do not like crowds, there is no reason to force myself to be outgoing. If I achieve my goals, tasks, dreams - there is no need for extra tasks that are there only in spite of my trauma, fears and phobia. If I do not like talking to strangers - I can go to a certain point - smile, small talk, but I do not have to go with them, or pretend I like someone just to be friendly and outgoing, especially if my instinct tells me something is wrong. As people pleaser I would just do that. Now, with my focus and worth back in my arms, I do not let others to hurt me, I do not allow them enter my personal space and I do not allow them to cross invisible boundaries of intimacy. I do not need to violently push them away, the simple alarm and alert system would do. Normal and kind people would react to this. People I need to avoid would ignore my pleads. They would act as if my opinion, thoughts and feelings in a form of articulate plea is not important and worthy to be taken in consideration.
Brain injury concept is so illusive and difficult to grasp because it is like quantum physics. Light behaves like wave or particle, depending how you look at it. In the same way, the injury is either physical or mental. If both are not acknowledged, none of the advice won't work. If injury is looked at mental deficiency, it will default back to physical engrained injury. And if it is observed as physical injury, then all advice about healing makes sense. Also, brain injury is also healing and it is permanent in the same time, it depends what is observed. I cannot influence traumatic events in the future, so I can be triggered at any time. If not, I will not have flashbacks.
So the urge to be right is mixed with the fact that I shut up in fear, without being honest and telling the truth - that I rationalize into fight response that might turn into being hysterical - and believing that I will get sick physically if I shut up and don't respond to rude people. Or that I must prove my point in order to shut up the bully. Whereas I can shut up in order to be emotionally intelligent - where I understand when someone acts aggressively it is because of their wound - and it is not because they are evil people. Thus if I react aggressively as response, I might cause damage due to my own allergy or not taking all things in consideration, such as a person being inferior for being exposed to trauma. This is why I need 3 stages - where I do not react immediately, that I need to gather enough information to see what I am dealing with. My sudden reaction may be unfair. And also the lack of my reaction may be detrimental, too.
I keep forgetting that 4F responses are trauma response. They are not the way to deal with people and event and situations. Fight response may seem like being courageous, from toxic masculinity point of view, but it is still a trauma response. So 4F responses are in fact a signs of mental instability, if not mental illness.
I see Wu Wei approach in that everything has a purpose but it depends in quantity and dosis. For example, low self esteem is feeling of not being adequate and feeling inept - thus feeling inferior. However, if I am without fears and doubts, I would not check things, I would not go through everything just to be safe - and thus I might draw wrong conclusions and make bad decisions. So in a small dosis it is good to doubt myself and monitor myself. It only becomes detrimental when it is all the time and in any area to the point I do nothing.
Not being grateful - phenomena that I do not appreciate me facing my fears that I did and done - but I focus on the next fears and being obsessed with the new ones. While in the same time I take for granted already what was achieved. I see this phenomena as having a headache - until it stops it is the only focus, but once it is gone I forget all about it. Or another example - being cold or hot. In extreme weather I can only think of discomfort and this is my priority, while as soon as I get back to balance, I forget all annoyances I felt that were bugging me and taking away my focus at the time.
Regarding trauma I see self expression and own worth as two crucial healing protocols. Both are being pruned by other people opinion, having locus of control in external referencing, and I never develop my persona if I do not speak my mind, without self-censorship. And I self-censor only if I hold my self worth in other people hands. I can be weird, I can come out fearful and shaking with shaking voice, I am allowed to make mistakes and there is no absolute truth that someone can claim and guide their targets to abide to their truths.
I resolve ambiguity concept at my expense. I make inconvenience to myself by saying yes. With self worth I can make more fair and on par decisions instead of automatic fawning.
Regarding external reference, I have totally wrong picture about people. I am convinced they are caring and warm and sensitive as I am. This is why I feel hurt when they aren't. This also means I can be cruel to them, in an honest way. I would hold back and try not to speak truth, voicing the elephant in the room because I think they are sensitive as I am and I do not want to hurt them. This image I have is not true - I have to talk and be honest. Other people are not so sensitive as I imagine them to be. What I do not see and what I am not aware is that rude and aggressive people, especially those who mock and are toxically sarcastic, that these people have extremely low opinion about themselves. They see themselves as unworthy but they will never tell this, it is a secret. So they treat other people as garbage.
That is external factor. From my perspective, I see all people as valuable, good, kind, nice with message inside, with a piece of puzzle, interesting and accepting. But there are people out there who pretend to talk with you - but they do not care at all. They are either bored or selfish, ego-centric, or want to exploit others. This part - with social anxiety - is the one I do not perceive, I am unable to discern this fact. I was instructed by society to be social, to talk with people, to discuss with them, to share - but there are people out there who don't care about this at all, but they wear a mask and pretend to be "normal" and friendly and engaged. They are not, they are fake-pretending. That is what makes them the external factor. The definition of troll is: "a person who intentionally antagonizes others online by posting inflammatory, irrelevant, or offensive comments or other disruptive content", and in their head they think they are having fun, but they are not aware that others see them as lonely and desperate people, craving for attention. From social anxiety perspective, I am not aware of this. I am unable to see antagonistic person as troll. This is due to trauma. I see antagonistic person as threat, danger and it triggers fear, 4F response. The correct response would be to shut the door - but instead, as spiritual person, with enlightened person I take everyone as equal and on par and I cannot comprehend that some people are like kids and they should not be taken seriously. I can shut them out. I do not need to discuss with them. This is what makes it difficult for socially anxious person - the need to fix others and the urge to not self-censor myself and defend my rights, my opinions, my need to be right, urge to be right and to beat the fear of confrontation and face the fears of engaging in a conflict. These two make me open to abuse. I can speak my mind - and let go when I see that it leads to nowhere. I can make my message to be factual, objective instead of Ad Hominem as much as possible. That way I make it clear. This is why social anxious people would benefit greatly to learn about conflict, about confrontation and to understand other people why they act like this. All the explanations we have as socially anxious people about other people in our heads are wrong, they are distorted. So the general rule would be - if a person makes false and fake accusations about something I did or say - I can defend myself. However if they turn focus on Ad Hominem - I can alert them and leave without worrying what they think, since they are not good person, they are external factor. I push it outside of my space and place it back where it belongs - in external, away from me.
In my head I am afraid of consequences, that something bad will happen if I do not speak up when someone is rude. That is also social anxiety. This unknown threat and danger from other people - so this makes me easy target to take abuse. I see the truth, being objective and authentic as the only and the best weapon. And also a part of social anxiety is what someone says. Social anxiety is if I take it seriously and at face value. The healthy approach is to realize they are jokers, trolls possibly. Take everything in consideration, and that they will turn it into mocking and joke if confronted as truth. I simply stick to facts and being objective - is the best way in this case also.
So the reason for taciturnity (the state or quality of being reserved or reticent in conversation) for socially anxious people is not because of lack in communication skills or not knowing what to talk about or being deficient in anything - it is in other person, the lack of psychological safety. Since people do not like truth, they find it annoying, they do not like what socially anxious person would talk about. The other person is problem, their lack of IQ, emotional intelligence, lack of empathy. Without knowing it, staying with person who is abusive is a cycle of trying to please narcissistic person, just as instructed to do in dysfunctional childhood. Also I am aware that when I am people pleaser I avoid showing my opinion, thus I do not express myself - so there is no my persona. This way I avoid being wounded. When I say what I think, when I am honest and speak it out- this will attract criticism and thus wounds, I will be wounded. Voicing out my opinion therefore is equal to being hurt and having wounds by people who do not agree with me. And there will always be someone who do not agree. Taking bruises does not mean to shut up and take the blows. I can protest it. Also, narcissist like negative attention - so if this protest does not work, continuing to explaining myself will not work. I might feel the urge to explain myself, but if they didn't got it in first 5 sentences, they are either dumb or don't listen at all and they do not want to understand, they only want punching bag. Me engaging with them would be me presenting myself as punching bag.
It is said that love is being reciprocal. What you give is what you take, there is a balance. This applies to social anxiety - with isolation, withdrawal and self-censorship, there is no balance. There is no contact with others. People do not know with whom they are dealing with. People who did not choose isolation in their childhood due to trauma, they are aware of evil people and people who exploit others - they learned this while people with social anxiety spent their learning years isolated and away from people to learn about them. They had time to learn this dynamics with people. This is why people with social anxiety have hard time to comprehend the external factor and it's hard to believe there are trolls out there, people who mock just for fun, and people who have no inner mechanism what is appropriate. Without filtering those out, social anxious people are magnet for narcissists.
The realization that almost all people are ego-centric, and that they do not have ability to perceive reality on many levels - actually gives me a head start. The false belief from toxic shame convinced me that I am inept because I trusted everything that the other person is speaking, and this developed into inferiority complex with time. Now I know that instead of automatic fawning and people pleasing and being afraid of people - it should be the other way around. Since I have ability to see everything from different angles and perspectives, the annoyance and irritation that other people are expressing against my statements are not facts. It is their limited point of view and their inability to think. They are the ones who are inferior. And I can prove that by talking the facts, by being objective and transparent.
Fact, TWITTER:
Psychopaths can only think of the possible positive consequences of their actions, not the negative ones.
Fact, TWITTER:
People think that to be strong is to never feel pain. But in reality, the strongest people are the ones who feel it but get through it!
Fact, TWITTER:
Cleaning can help curb depression.
Anxious people more apt to make bad decisions amid uncertainty
Highly anxious people have more trouble deciding how best to handle life’s uncertainties. They may even catastrophize
“An important skill in everyday decision-making is the ability to judge whether an unexpected bad outcome is a chance event or something likely to reoccur if the action that led to the outcome is repeated,” Bishop said.
https://news.berkeley.edu/2015/03/02/anxious-people-decisions/
Man was born to live either in the convulsions of misery, or in the lethargy of boredom.
'Let us work without reasoning,' said Martin; 'it is the only way to make life endurable.'
Candide, Voltaire
The fantastic analogy for CBT treatment on individuals with Complex Trauma:
When a certain crisis shattered its way through life and consciousness, left a deep chasm behind.
Thomas Mann's "The Magic Mountain" (1987)
New Study: Immersing Yourself in Art, Music & Nature Might Reduce Inflammation & Increase Life Expectancy
https://www.openculture.com/2015/08/new-study-immersing-yourself-in-art-music-nature-might-reduce-inflammation-increase-life-expectancy.html
puerile - adjective: childishly silly and immature.
maudlin - adjective: self-pityingly or tearfully sentimental.
Taciturnity - noun. the state or quality of being reserved or reticent in conversation
Limerence - Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship
Our view of ourselves, of who we are, is developed from birth through interaction with those closest to us. Individual selves are not the products of biology but rather of this interaction.
G.H. Mead (1863-1931)
DK The Sociology Book
Behaviors considered normal in the Middle Ages were thought “barbarous” by the 19th century.
“Civilized” behaviors soon became essential to everyone wishing to trade and socialize with others, from tradesmen to noblemen and women.
Elias says that the process spread ever more widely from the 1500s onward, because “good manners” help people get along more peaceably, and growing towns and cities require such cooperation.
The rules about what constitutes “good manners” have always been dictated by the upper classes, so civilization” continues to work toward furthering the interests of the powerful elite.
Norbert Elias (1897-1990)
DK The Sociology Book
By absorbing the media’s messages people accepted society’s rules and values as their own; they realized that to step beyond them would seem neurotic. The possibility of rebellion has effectively been quashed:
mass culture reinforces political repression.
However, when Marcuse looked closer, he discovered that “a comfortable, smooth, reasonable, democratic un-freedom prevails in advanced industrial civilization”— far from being free, people were being manipulated by “totalitarian” regimes that called themselves democracies, he said. Worse still, people were unaware of the manipulation, because they had internalized the regimes’ rules, values, and ideals.
Desire for “must-have” clothing, gadgets, and inessential goods stems, says Marcuse, from a false sense
of “need” that is implanted in us by advertising and the media.
According to Marcuse, we are caught in a bubble from which there is no escape, because it has become almost impossible to stand outside the system.
He cites Madame Bovary, in Gustave Flaubert’s novel of that name (1856), as a perfect example of a soul unable to survive in the rigid society in which she lived.
There is no other world, or way to live. Marcuse claims that in saying this he is not overstating the power of the media, because the social messages we receive as adults are merely reinforcing the same ones that we have been hearing since our birth—we were conditioned as children to receive them.
The result of this is that classes are no longer in conflict. The social controls have been internalized,
and Marcuse says that we are hypnotized into a state of extreme conformity where no one will rebel.
Herbert Marcuse (1898-1979)
DK The Sociology Book
The role-identity we enact in public (for example, teacher, doctor, nurse, storekeeper) is defined for us by society. But the self-identity we have in private, when we are not subject to public scrutiny, is who
we actually are, our “essential” self. When there is a major discrepancy between our public identity and our private self, and when performance of our role identity is unconvincing, we are liable to be labeled negatively. When this negative labeling is repeated over time, stigma occurs.
Erving Goffman (1922-1982)
DK The Sociology Book
(21.11.2021)
When I am triggered - I will not know it. It will appear as normal day to me. I will not notice that my thought process is compromised. One definite clue, a red flag sign is inability to process cognitive dissonance without irritation. If I feel irritated, this is a clear sign I am triggered. I am hypnotized to over-react. And I will know that the over-arousal has passed after I am no longer feeling inner temper tantrum over someone's criticism that appears as attack in me. When I am able to talk calmly the truth, the objective facts - this is a sign I am in calm state, as seen in Polyvagal Theory. If I am unable to be calm when voicing out the elephant in the room, this is a clear sign I am in arousal state, and my thought process is now under external reference control. I can use logic, common sense to pretend to be calm. In my mind I will see reasons why this person needs to be attacked back, that I will end up sick if I do not yell, and the person will provoke me, or in my mind I will interpret it as provokation. I will not be able to see that I can use humour, or to document the abuse or to leave the situation if it gets worse.
Narcissists try to hide their ineptness - when it is exposed they yell, scream and are rude to others. The people around them that are prone to social anxiety will shut up as the result, in order to avoid conflict. On the other hand, narcisissts will try to devert the focus away from the proof of their inadequacies, deliberate mistakes and evil intentions by trying to trigger the target. So the socially anxious person will engage in defense, feeling guilty and ashamed, since the narcisisst will use toxic shame to control the target. The obvious solution is speaking out the facts, voicing out the elephant in the room no matter how much the narcissists rage. Socially anxious person will always shut up in order not to hurt the other person, to spare their feelings - and this is what narcissists abuse, they rape other people kindness and thus they get away with their evil schemes. Because people are silent to their wrongdoings. From the perspective of socially anxious person, it is about protecting other people's feelings, not to be jerk to others, being nice. So in this case being nice is detrimental, it causes moral injury. The truth is that speaking the truth, facts, objective reality is not evil, it is not being rude. This is messed up in social anxiety. The ability to distinguish speaking the truth and false belief that voicing out the elephant in the room is evil. Dehumanizing others crosses the line. Describing someones deliberate attacks is not evil. People with social anxiety were programmed in their childhood that this is evil, if they warn the evil person, if they object when evil person is being evil.
The most devastating aspect of social anxiety is panic and eerie uncomfortable emotions and feelings - that all actually stem from intrusive thoughts, from PureOCD: it is the worry what other person is thinking about me, how this person is evaluating me, criticizing me - as if the negative opinion is the worst thing in the world. It is so inbareable that I think it causes moral injury, illnesses and suicidal ideations if chronic. It is devastating because it is hallucination. Toxic shame is hallucination, it is unresolved conflict. It is the cause of amygdala hijacking, so the targeted individual is not even aware of tsunami of additional worries and fears that will produce the brain in order to protect itself from the assault and attack that appears extremely dangerous. The shocking truth that socially anxious individual is not aware - is that all this is due to addiction. This intrusive worry that is stuck like a leech and that can't be shaken off - is addiction. The same addiction with drugs or alcohol or any other substance. The chemicals inside the body are producing the urge to depend on other person's emotions and words and value and approval - it appears as the other person is correct and superior, but in the reality - it is addiction. It appears as the other person is better, but this image in reality is an act of people pleasing. People pleasing is addiction. It is being addicted to the rush of hormones inside the body that brain injury is producing. The brain has no working flood door that would stop hormones from rushing in, so chemicals have free reign inside. But socially anxious is not aware of this body chemicals - to person with social anxiety it appears as regular, habitual response to rude and obnoxious and aggressive people learned in childhood and now repeated automatically.
It seems to me that our obligations, shoulds, rules, cognitive distortions expect us and prepare us for a fantasy idea, fantasy world where if only I do certain task that I will magically be granted freedom from suffering. This is unrealistic and unhealthy. This sets me up for disappointments and it lulls me into being inactive and it also softens me to trust manipulators. It makes me throw off the fears that would keep me safe otherwise. Instead of throwing of fear related to toxic shame and panic, I throw off the fears that I have related to the real world - that there is external factor out there. There are circumstances and people out there that do not deserve my attention, energy, money or advice, help or service or any focus at all. Also, expecting a fantasy idea that if I find the secret that I will no longer feel anything negative - sets me up for being constantly hyper-alerted and hyper-vigilant because in the same time I let go of my guard while keep on being triggered by external factors out of my control. It is connected to brain injury concept: the Stockdale paradox - the right and correct attitude is to accept brutal facts, to accept brutal reality while working on things that I take for granted otherwise. So that I can shift my focus on good people - instead of keeping resentments and thus being focused on negative people and serving negative people. It is flip flop mentality - my fears are keeping me afraid by having a wrong explanations of what is going on. The explanation that I refuse bad things in life while in the same time expecting miracle that will save me from anything I do not like - is distorted thinking. Some bad things only as bad to me because I feel entitled. Some bad things are good for me - having physical exercise is not easy but that doesn't make it bad. In fact, if I do not exercise, the inactivity would have bad impact on my health later on. Inactivity and fantasy freedom idea is here distortion. It is a bad habit that I do automatically. Many motivators and authors and therapists are not aware that their words come out as fantasy idea. They are putting forward instructions and steps what to do in life, how to deal with problems but their words come up garbled up in the listener's mind if they do not include brutal facts, brutal reality, as well. This part is something that I see as an obstacle from listener getting rid of fears and anxiety.
For example, for people with social anxiety it is common to engage in fawning as trauma and fear response. Then many people will mistake our kindness as weakness - and they will try to expliot us. Is we are not aware of brutal fact that people are like that, we will try to follow advice that is meant for people who have no fears. And then it won't work. Because people without social fears - they don't have inner blockages and they will be honest and genuine by default. For people with social anxiety it is necessary to be brutally honest by explaining them that people will "naturally" resond to our kindness, friendliness and openess as garbage, and that they will be rude to us, that they will be rather frank than they would be to people who are expressing animosity. Therefore, expecting this phenomena will prepare us to be ready to react when someone cross their boundaries. Without drama I simply state the truth, being honest, voicing out the elephant in the room. I think this is common problem with social anxiety - having a fantasy idea how people should act and what is perfect socializing tool for me, and reality is always different than this. Another brutal truth is being addicted to people pleasing due to brain injury that is pumping chemicals inside, making me stuck to worry about other people and depending on their reactions and approval and validation - that my body will create and set me up for it. The brutal truth is that the body is working against me, it is repeating the original trauma by abandoning my care, self worth and placing it in other people. The fantasy idea from many authors, motivators and therapists is that there is a perfect way to act, talk and do things that will thwart this inability to shake off intrusive worries what someone is thinking of me. There is none. Brain injury will pump addiction to being pushover, and it is up to my decisions, common sense, instinct to guide me what to do and how to react.
With social anxiety I wait for my brain to feel good enough to do anything. And it never will happen due to brain injury. It's up to my mind to do things rather than waiting to feel it calm enough. The images, flashbacks, fears and imagininig the worst case scenario is my brain scaring me. My anxiety is lying to me. My brain is lying to me. Since we can't trust our brain - it is obvious that certain myths about social anxiety will not work. For example, myth that people with social anxiety have no communication skills - and that solution for social anxiety is to brush communication skills. It is as if all other people are excellent communicators and caregiving empathetic people who know how to socialize in a correct manner - which is not true at all. If anything, people with social anxiety have high communication skills at hand, so much that these skills are far beyond the visible spectrum of socializing. So the advice to heal social anxiety with learning how to talk - is actually obeying the brain, and trying to work with the brain - which is faulty and broadcasting false information. Instead of brain, we got to rely on common sense, logic, intuition, instinct to guide us.
Preemptive actions
I noticed that my social anxiety makes me take certain preemptive actions that prevent other people potential criticism. That is PureOCD, it is obsessive act that I am not aware of, based on the conditioning from the childhood being exposed to relentless criticism. Then I am resentful at people who take advantage of my own actions, where I left them space to invade unconsicously. I am not aware I am doing this preemptive withdrawings and that I leave others space to trample on me. Then another issue is what happens when someone actually criticizes me. I shut up, I self-censor - I do not state the obvious, I do not state my opinion, my truth and my rights and I do not voice out what I deem is visible, well known and that everybody already know and see the elephant in the room. Some people don't. Some people ignore on purpose the common curtoisy and manners and etiquette.
Instant stoics in modern media tend to advocate moving on, being strong - but actually this is neglect. The opposite of neglect is kindness. Neglect is trauma trigger and trauma response - and it is trauma itself. We were abandoned in childhood, that's what makes it dysfunctional. So abandonment, neglect, being unkind is all related to trauma. These patterns imprinted on child brain will produce some kind of disorder, such as social anxiety later on in life, when we repeat the learned pattern - not paying attention to our emotions, neglecting our needs, abandoning ourselves and serving other people.
It seems from the sociology aspect that social anxiety is the result of environment. Many people with social anxiety observe the world through their uncomfortable symptoms which forces them to observe the people from ego-centric point of view, as if it is a choice and that avoidance and withdrawal is a reaction without any fault of society at all. It turns out that social anxiety, avoidance and withdrawal has its roots in enviornment around the individual suffering from social anxiety, too. It is the mirror of fractures and punctures of societies that may not be visible immediately.
Labeling their personality in sociology tells us that we may not label others, and be open to others without jumping to conclusions about them, since the quick label is prejudice and bias. Usually we do not respond to people but only to our past negative experiences that we want to make sense of chaos quickly. This leads to unfair judgements and misunderstandings and limited contact and allergy response. However, since there is always external factor - if we are open to having open mind, this makes us susceptible to people who abuse labeling in their advantage to label others. So in one way we may be open and caring and trust others, while on the other hand there could be individual with hidden agenda that appear in certain way negative and malicious, but we obstain from labeling them as borderline and dangerous, so we allow them to cross boundaries of common sense, only to be open minded and open to all people without labeling. In that way labeling theory hurts the open and tolerant people, it gets them to be exploited and manipuated by others who label others and parasite over open minded individuals. Therefore, labels are a tool to make boundaries. If it is too thick it may lead to allergy response - warding off people who are friendly but appear unfriendly. Also if it is non existant it allows parasites to exploit the target. This labeling theory is related to paradox of tolerance. Unlimited tolerance can be exploited and manipulated by the untolerant. Yet according to labeling theory if we impose labels on others, they might internalize it and create secondary deviance, self-fulfilling what is told about them. Which then tells us - that we ought to be honest and genuine with other people, but in the same time kind to them. Kindness is the key. As a general rule, I do not need explosions and drama and aggression to express my defense. I am aware this is not realistically possible in all situations, but it should be a guiding light how to handle conflict. To be aware that external factor, toxic people will resport to secondary deviance is they are treated without love and kindness. I think this is related to social anxiety. Due to codependency, people with social anxiety adopted this already, they have it inside them. It is already adopted view that is went to extreme scale that now it is hurting and causing the damage to the caring and kind individual. Without the knowledge about detrimental effect of external referencing, we are making ourselves to be slaves and inferior. Without the knowledge that there is no absolute truth, we take the labels from labeling people and we believe them, we internalize their labels. It is like we follow the rule of labeling theory for others, but in the same time we break the labeling theory when it is about us. As if we do not matter at all so we are allowed to be labeled by others.
Shockingly, this makes social anxiety: to have empathy for others, without having empathy for oneself. To have huge understanding and rationalizations and exuses for others, but in the same time having none for oneself. That is social anxiety distorted belief. Social anxiety is imposed, implanted by sick society, making the individual to think it's own fault while the society is super-healthy and super-normal. Then from this inferiority complex perspective I do not trust myself, I see others as competent. While the truth is that the very thing I am convinced I am unable to do- is actually the opposite, the truth is shocking: I am super-competent, I am super-healthy and I am super-normal. The solution to social anxiety is the slow discovery with proofs and actual examples of me being super-healthy, super-normal, super-competent. The sick society will always try to impose toxic shame, as a veil of deceit to keep me away from realizing this. I have super-ego inside me, I have common sense to know when I am wrong, when I make mistake, when I am crossing boundaries of good sense, of common sense - while the sick society have no this ability and that scares them of me, they sniff it out and they try to destroy me as person and keep me isolated and withdrawed so I do not voice out the elephant in the room, the truth hurts them and they are unable to handle the exposed truth.
CPTSD Foundation, TWITTER:
The overwhelm of trauma often leaves survivors feeling out of synch with the rest of the world, and many turn to isolation and self-criticism in an effort to cope.
They laughed at me what they considered stupid question. The reaction to child's inquisitiveness when growing up contributes to their mental growth in later life. They instilled a fear in me of asking stupid questions and being wrong about things. Because of this I rarely asked questions and I started to feel shy in front of people. All this started from ridicule I received from my cousins in my early life.
YT The Social Anxiety Solution Audiobook
When you are in self you can recognize another who is in self too, and now it doesn't feel boring or threatening, it feels like match, resonating. I no longer attract someone who is not healed.
YT Why Codependents Don't Leave
I very soon realized nobody was really shocked by anything. Unless you're out murdering people, you know. People would never really be shocked by an expression of feeling.
Howl (2010)
Because they think that they're gonna write something that sounds like something else that they've read before, instead of sounds like them. Or, comes from their own life. To approach your Muse as frankly as you would talk to yourself or to your friends.
Howl (2010)
I was questioning my sense of reality versus the social sense that was being imposed on me. A total self-rejection, a rejection of, you know, their own universe. Lip service to supposedly acceptable social patterns.
Howl (2010)
He said, Why don't you do it then? I mean what will happen if I grow old and nobody loves me. And he said, Don't worry about that. You're very charming and lovable and people will always love you. I realized it was all a fear-trap. Illusory!
Howl (2010)
TWITTER, Jesse - Chronic Pain Coach
Not being able to admit you were wrong is a great way to never improve.
the people on board thought that if they just waited it out, everything would be okay.
the "waiting it out theory": that is something that I can get my head around: we all think SOMEONE ELSE will take care of it.
Most of us would like to think we would be courageous & heroic if we were put into a similar position, but the question is, would we perceive the threat? Would we understand what was happening in front of us, considering how stealthy & beguiling our enemy can be? Would we hear with our ears & see with our eyes?
IMDb forum "The Incident" (1967)
(24.11.2021)
And this is childhood trauma - it was instilled belief that I do not matter, that I have to be nice and good, that I have to press down my feelings and needs at the expense of society. Put others first while I am not important. It is taking "Mi casa tu casa" at the far extreme.
As result, I put myself in paradoxical situation that is at the core of social anxiety. On one side I isolate myself and withdraw from society, while on the other hand I cling onto people who display toxic, demanding and labeling aggression, since this repeats the learned traumatized belief about the world. I have zero empathy to my needs, and I see myself as a tool to fix, serve and soak others needs. I bend myself as bowl and I attract traumatized people who seek a bended object to reside themselves naturally, they seek to use as object and discard it, depending on their whim. My self-censorship and shutting up and fear of conflict only facilitate these unhealthy dynamics.
CBT is good analogy for repeating this pattern of not caring about the individual at the logical, common sense level- CBT is trying to heal the brain, while in the same time taking no brain scan to check if there is brain injury caused by trauma.
Oftentimes I think if I took a different turn in life that somehow magically social anxiety would be gone. If I only went out more, or engaged in conflict more. This is not true. I would breakdown sooner, go mad like in a movie "The Bell Jar" based on Sylvia Plath's book. Social anxiety is a mechanism of keeping our mind sane and healthy and balanced - by using insane, unhealthy and unbalanced methods to keep the head above the water.
People with social anxiety resort to fawning and people pleasing as a way to cope with original trauma. So they will automatically abolish other people especially if they are rude, aggressive and unfair - they will not be able to think that this other people is perhaps wrong. This is why doubting helps. However trauma will not allow socially anxious person to see it from any other angle than from toxic shame. This means, person with social anxiety will be unable to realize that person may be judgemental because the judging person is judging due to their negative experience from the past that has nothing to do with the present time and myself. Socially anxious person will automatically blame oneself immediately and the other person who is deluding themselves into Spanish inqusition will gladly accept easy target that accepts blame without thinking about it. This is what makes social anxiety detrimental - not being able to see different angles other than the one that is projected and intrusive. Social anxiety itself is being able to see multiple dimensions and fears and anxiety and panic that arises is the reaction to unfair treatment actually. But the messages from mentors and authorities and experts is that physical symptoms are sole problem, while physical symptoms are only warning that something is wrong. Usually it is being accused of something wrong, and being unable to see what is going on under the hood. Other people are projecting their own shadow onto others. Other people cannot know you, what your reasons are, why you did something, why you need something, so they judge it quickly through biases and logical fallacies. And if we listen to false messages about focusing on physical symptoms as evil and only thing that is detrimental - shifts away the focus from external factor. The truth is other people are projecting their delusions, their past experiences, their fears and panic onto easy targets. I think solution to social anxiety lies in this realization that I can attack back the person who attacks me. It is being able to understand that is their problem when they are hysterial and accusatory, it has nothing to do with me. That I allow myself to react and then to voice elephant in the room. "What are you talking about?" "You think I would do that?" "Do I look like I would do that?". And without over-explanation, just simply stating the facts, being objective and transparent, without holding back.
Social anxiety is like a superimposed reality, that beneath it lies the world as I would see it earlier in life when I choose avoidance and isolation as a way to manage aggressive and difficult people, as communication and interaction with them was impossible. I developed an attitude that I am wrong and other people are normal whereas they are the standard and everything I want, need and see is wrong by default. Therefore the ability to get back to normal mode would be to return back to the times when I decided to believe in distorted beliefs such as that other people are superior just because they are violent, aggressive and difficult for on par relationship, whereas their needs are superior and valid, and mine aren't.
Confidence is Catch 22. In the same time in order to have courage to do anything and to say anything I need to have trust in myself, as much as to believe myself that I am correct, while paradoxically to accept the fact that I can't know everything and I need to be open to incoming information. This is non intuitive and this is how biases and prejudices are born, cognitive dissonance and logical fallacies and stubborness. Without trust in my inner data I am putting myself in position to freeze and do nothing due to fears and anxiety. Perfectionism as imposed by toxic shame is also additional detrimental factor. This tells me that boasting and attacking and being unkind is not helpful from multiple angles. Yet being too serving and obeying is not helpful either. Thinking that since there is no truth that I must accept all ideas from anyone is detrimental to my self esteem, since I deny myself. So I would stick with being stubborn but in the same time to warn and explain others what is behind this. Shutting up is not helpful in any case. Social anxiety meddles in this process of communication since I gave up my space by default, in all cases automatically, without considering that sometimes I have right to my space and that if I don't protect it, other people will exploit it - and usually it is a person who is parasite and aggressive and difficult, therefore undeserving. And it is obvious that caprices such as unconscious boasting will not help in communication. It is about finding the right balance, not to be too burdensome yet keep the talking ongoing. With social anxiety I deny myself the natural reaction such as expressing anger and disaproval and voicing out the elephant in the room. It is easy to fall from one extreme of never speaking up to another extreme of feeling the urge to react to everyone all the time.
Social anxiety lies to me, it imploys toxic shame and inferiority complex, making me believe I am inept. And I start to realize that as soon as I cut external referencing and start to believe in my super ego, my self worth from myself - that I am capable exactely all the things I was asured that I am inept to do.
In 1960 American psychologist Frank Rosenblatt makes a computer with neural networks that learn from experience. What I see from social anxiety, trauma in childhood is preventing this learning experience in human brain. Toxic shaming is interfering with learning from experience and makes brain stuck in certain rules that prevents going along with the learned experience. Instead the brain due to injury, influences the decisions through projecting negative pessimistic and intrusive worry rumination into immobility. There is no genuine reaction if someone crosses their boundaries due to urge to be a nice person. In order not to rock the boat. So that there would be no punishment and hurt and pain that brain is conditioned to avoid. Somewhere in childhood the brain of socially anxious person was conditioned to the fears that inhibit him in the adulthood.
One of social anxiety detrimental aspect is inability to define emotions. Also there is inability to define certain social connections. For example, socially anxious person will define friendship and friendly person someone who is listening. Nothing else, simply listening. In many cases people genuinenly want to listen someone due to empathy and care. But there is external factor - where some people listen only to exploit this information later on for whatever purposes, none of them caring and friendly. In socially anxious mind this possibility is not acknowledged. Since there is pain and need to get it off chest, not only it turns into whininig and complaining - thus smothering others with boredom even, it appears as if I can trust anyone if they want to talk with me. There are people out there that appear that they care and that they listen without any hidden agenda. I can't trust someone just for the reason of or just because they listen to me and talk to me. Without this awareness, I am unable to shut out negative and toxic people out, I feel sorry for them because they appeared as if they care for taking their time to listen to me. I am not aware that they done it just because they would mock me later on, talk behind my back, spreading secrets or doing any kind of damage with personal information that I shared. I would deny or rationalize them later on for being good because they were listening to me, while they done it only to hurt me later on, not because they care for me or that they are friendly. This inability to realize this by myself is a sign that social anxiety is fawning response to anything in life. If I realized this truth by myself, I would choose fight response. And people who choose fight response seem to get farther in life - but this is only because they block toxic and negative people who are detrimental for them, not because fight response is better by itself.
After I read a book about sociology I could not understand why it is so obvious that bad behaviour is clearly given a forgiving theme. As if people who I label as external factor must be punished and ashamed publically for bad behaviour. After I watched film "The Incident" from 1967 I realized that when I behave as socially accepted, I end up being easy and passive target for bullies. I relinquish my natural defense system. I even end up with mutism, while characters in the movie at least engaged in conversation. The first openly expression of anger in the movie is between characters who knew each other - and not against the bullies. That is the result of being good and nice and socially accepted and seeking external validation, to be perceived as normal and good by others. I simply end up easy target for bullies. My desire and urge not to embarass myself ends up as being easy target, silent and obedient. Similar to Milgram Experiment where here the authority are bullies who jammed the door so passengers could not escape. Also in the same time, expressing anger could get out of control - through overreacting and hurting other people who I might misunderstood. It all boils down to being honest, genuine, without external referencing, and being aware that pontification and nagging and preaching and ashaming someone who is toxic, negative, vulgar - that in the same time I am censoring myself, in the same time I am making myself cripple that is unable to defend myself when faced with someone aggressive due to shame, embarassement and dogma what socially accepted behaviour should look like.
Problem is that angry and cranky and violent behaviour creates trauma, this is how trauma started anyway. So someone with social anxiety already has this burden inside. And I forget the price for carrying this burden - being afraid of angry and cranky and violent people to the point of forfeiting life away, throwing dreams away and travelling and being outside. As if bad things will not happen - I know they will, there is no hiding place, there is no safe place. Traumatized people, socially anxious people are like invalids unable to handle life due to beliefs and dogma and burden of trying to fit in to society norms that are fake to start with anyway.
And that is the core of social anxiety and trauma : being exposed to anger, violence, aggression for being myself, being punished for not doing anything wrong, being ashamed for being myself without hurting anyone, that is the moral injury that created this wound that is etched now in my brain. The energy and force that I experienced from my environment that cornered me into avoidance and fears and mental imbalance was flooded upon me, as innocent one. I did not deserve that shaming, I did nothing wrong. Bad, toxic, violent people deserved that barrage of hysteria, not me. And this is twist, shocking part in the whole story: suppressing this hysteria (either by being exposed to it or expressing it myself) and trying not to express anger turns me into passive passenger, the same as in the movie Incident (1967) that is unable to react to unfair treatment, inable to express emotion and having weight of embarassement how I appear in the eyes of other people. And as if the punching and attack would hurt that much as it cost my sanity and carrying wound inside me keeping we away from life, dreams and having normal relationship with people.
Suppressing negative emotions and toxic people and trying to be nice and good, obedient and happy and perfect paradoxically turns us into passive passengers, easy targets to bullies, as shown in the movie Incident (1967). The only anger we'd show are people close to us that do not deserve it.
The repeated message in my life was wrong all the time. I was convincing myself time after time that I must be civilized and nice, that I should not be nervous as I was exposed to hysteria. I thought I was doing myself favor and it seemed to me that I am doing the good thing in the service of good for the service of good, to some higher cause, but that is delusion and it leads to mental instability, fears and panic. I need bad stuff, if I suppress them - without noticing it, without being aware of it - I turn myself into passive object that is easy target for manipulation and abuse. I was convinced that being nice means shutting up, self-censorship and this was the message I got from unreliable sources that I accepted as valid and true. It is as if I can't choose and that certain situations require non-standard reactions. Social anxiety is meshing of what are social standards. On one hand I relinquish social standards and on the other hand I am cutting myself in order to fit into social factory mould composed by untrustworthy sources that appear as god in my eyes. It never occurred to me that I doubt my desire to be good. Being good and talking the truth - I suppressed the truth part and this leads to Crusades and evil, evil towards myself, flourishing of evil when good people shut up.
How To Stand Up For Yourself Without Being Rude | | CONFIDENCE COACH, DR. AZIZ
if i speak up it will make me feel more quilty. Passive is i dont speak up, pleasing, not rock the boat. Aggressive is i dont care about you, criticize you- do whatever i want. Your dial might be a little uncalibrated. They communicate in way that is assertive-it's clear, direct, asking what they want, respectful. And afterwards, it was rude, I came out harsh.You think you're being rude when you are not.
You're being assertive and it feels like you're being aggressive. It feels like you're being mean. But it is not. You are so conditioned to being so damn pleasing and nice that anything other than that feels mean, bad and wrong. Speaking clearly and directly. None of that is rude. What is rude when you provide no space for other person to share or counter you in any way. Other is criticizing them, their character, their competence or their abilities. That's when it tends to be more aggressive. This is stupid. Describe specifically what's happening talking about the thing, not the person and their intelligence and their capability. That is respectful. Leave character attacks out of it, blame and disparagement. If you are giving space for somebody else to communicate, and you're not attacking them, then you're not being rude. You're being assertive. You're being clear, direct and it just feels uncomfortable. Practice, it will become matter of familiarity.
Why Arguments Make CPTSD Symptoms WORSE: Do This Instead
control your temper. Dysregulation is so intense. Whole lot of remorse will come up. I am losing everything good I want to do. There is time and place when you need to fight. Losing it friviously where there is nothing to be gained, it's not worth it. When you've been wrong say so. Immediately i see i was wrong. To say these words It is so disarming to people. And it will usually soften a great deal. It makes you more trustworthy and safe. Promise you'll think their idea. You might be wrong it is very comfortable to them, it alleviates pressure. Thank them sincerely for their interest. For talking about that. With cptsd we think people are out there to get us. Does my reaction relieve the problem or does it make it worse? Will my reaction draw my opponent closer to me or drive them away? To say you need to calm down feels like total invalidation of what you need. Good question for those who freeze: if I'm quiet will it actually blow over? We care how we affect other people. Because of tendency to get dysregulated, it's not worth it. It's not worthy of squeezing apology from the other person. When one person yells, the other should listen. Alternative is to yell back or freeze. Listening to yelling will active so much old trauma, it feels undoable. Use your judgement. Suggest that you might be wrong. This will never get you in wrong. We are all frequently wrong. You open humility to bring their wall down.
(25.11.2021)
Bystander effect "or bystander apathy, is a social psychological theory that states that individuals are less likely to offer help to a victim when there are other people present." Social anxiety is related to bystander effect and it goes further - it also not to help oneself especially when other people are present. It's freeze response to trauma, waiting for things to clear on its own hoping that bully will not beat the dead horse - and bullies do this, they are like scavenger, parasiting over dead, non moving bodies. The social anxiety is also being aware of all this thus moral injury occurs.
Freeze part, it is connected to trauma injury, being stuck. It is the feeling that I must resolve the situation in my head by rumination, something that realistically I cannot resolve since I cannot control other people nor external situations that are objectively outside of my control. Toxic shame makes me think I can control, that I must fix things but in the same time I must do it in the most quiet way possible, without rocking the boat and without bothering anyone and without drawing focus and attention to myself. I put myself in corner and then beat myself for any sign of movement, that is the definition of freezing response itself.
Bystander effect is also complicated when exploiters try to use people who are heroes. They pretend to be victims in order for someone jumping in and helping them and doing an act that they could done it themselves. Another complication is when you live in a corrupt country and where call for help is often regarded as snitching - where negative people are due to negative selection exalted and exonerated thus making you, the caller, the guilty one, attacking you for making a call for help. Media will accuse Karen hysterical woman as trying to weaponize police, when she calls police for situation where even though she is clearly being wrong and entitled - but you never truly know whom you are dealing with in a fragment or moment when the situation is developing in front of you. Or in a corrupt country you might be denied your request as prank call. The obvious solution is to be transparent, to talk and to engage with truth - but here is also complication. Toxic people tend to make drama and to draw attention away from the real problem. Therefore, engaging in conversation with them you are being hypnotized into submission since manipulators are experts in manipulation. Bystander effect is double binding situation, and it is related to social anxiety. Whatever you do is wrong. If you speak up, or if you don't - you will be ashamed, no matter what you do, you will get hurt, blamed and attacked. If you speak up, there is a great chance that bully will withdraw but in the process will mock you and ashame you for being hysterical. Social anxiety is feeling burden and shame and rumination about the event and people - so it is crucial to realize that drama and conflict is not caused nor started by quiet person. So social anxiety is inability to defend oneself and to engage quickly in conflict. It is inability to express emotions and to talk. It is inability to allow oneself to resort to all the things that programming and social constructs do not allow due to dogma and beliefs - simply to yell and be hysterical in certain situations. Perfectionism and fear of making mistakes is a part of social anxiety. And that is paradox - the more you try to create a better and peaceful world, as much as noble that desire is, suppressing the bad and aggressive is detrimental to oneself to react and to live and to take actions. There has to be balance. Problem is trauma already present in people with social anxiety. Trauma makes it more complicated as oppose to "normal" people who will not be engaged in Polyvagal theory, amygdala hijacking and they will be able to get on their feet far quickly than traumatized people. The additional trauma is then shaming from "normal" people who simply do not understand why traumatized people can't get on with their lives and forget about it and stop ruminating. This is what CBT is doing wrong, the therapy that focus on physical symptoms is ignoring the trauma part and thus is re-creating the abandonment that started the trauma in the first place.
I don't think that in order to be more active means to tolerate negative people and negative events as a way to accept them. It is more about understanding why they occur but it doesn't mean I approve them. Being passive is clearly wrong - freezing response, but since it is trauma response, it is not something that will and can be changed at the press of the button. I think the same goes for social anxiety. CBT tries to delve with symptoms, to mechanize a person, to lobotomize uncomfortable emotions so that the person is made active on force. I dislike this method since I see Wu Wei and wholeness as natural and human and functional way: to embrace the brutal facts and then to rely on my Super-Ego to guide me instead of external referencing (extreme shaming and effect of toxic shaming). It is about being aware and informed, being armed with knowledge so that I do not interpret my inner signals that appear as uncomfortable as something that I need or must obey. And that is the solution to social anxiety - being aware that I have the Devil on my shoulder. To socially anxious person who never thought about what is going on when panic hits - that person is not aware of the Devil on my shoulder concept.
Concept of the Devil on Your Shoulder / Shoulder angel
Without being aware of the existence of this force it is easy to be manipulated and controlled. Descartes hypothesis about Evil demon tells us that we doubt everything and everyone. Cognitive defusion tells us that we do not trust our thoughts. That we separate thoughts and feelings, if I feel bad that automatically it means I am a bad person. PureOCD tells us that brain will create fears and catastrophes in order to keep safety level on and bar to be raised high and higher with time, creating a loop and hamster wheel of safety seeking in forms of anxieties and ruminations, trying to control others and trying to control events, anything outside of control that appears as if my thoughts can prevent and control it. Devil on shoulder does not appear as devil - that is the problem. It appears as rationalization, it appears as shame, scrutinizing and beating the dead horse. It appears as guilt. It also appears as feeling and then acting on that feeling, being cognitive fusion. It never occurs to me that I could doubt everything and anything in my mind especially when it comes as convincing, shaming, nagging and criticizing. So it helps to recognize or at least to hypothesize that certain feelings, urges, rationalizations, conclusions, rules, righteousness, pontificating, just might be a devil on shoulder, and not genuine voice of reason and common sense.
People pleasing is being unable to stand up for myself. And there are many advice out there to be assertive. However, problem is location and type of people we are dealing with. Speaking what we need is different for each situation. It is different when you want to confront a boss and someone unknown in the street. Also it depends on type of people who are giving us hard time. I can divide them in groups:
1) people who are mentally ill or have serious mental problems and issues, wounds that they carry
2) people who are ego-centric
3) people with low IQ
4) manipulators.
Also another factor is that I may be too intelligent and too sensitive and thus everyone will annoy me. So I can't speak the truth and go to Crusades on one hand, and I can't shut up and pretend nothing is bothering me on another hand because I will end up with Moral injury. Also to make it more complex, the fact that something and someone bothers me creates limited universe for myself, because unknown to me, I am suppressing my own natural reactions just to be perfect. Sometimes following the rules can be detrimental, as shown in Milgram Experiment.
So how I talk to person who is wounded (fictional character as Joker) - may end up shooting me if I show no empathy and concern - that I do have, I simply do not express is in order to not be perceived as vulnerable or wuss- therefore I am problem here as well, my own convictions and rules. While showing love and compassion will people like manipulators use to their advantage. Also, speaking the truth will be in vain if I speak to people with low IQ, they simply will not understand me. Or people with low empathy. On the other hand talking a lot with ego-centric people might result with understanding. Conflict is catch 22 - it requires that I make complete psychological profile of person for conflict that is in the most cases short and requires all energy and focus on arguments, thus disabling me from collecting all information needed to get my strategy ready. I see speaking and being honest as the only tool. Everything else will be prone to be forgotten due to Ebbinghaus forgetting curve. Especially when I am talked to directly, I need to make myself clear, voicing out the elephant in the room. Shutting up and self-censorship is the only problem here actually. Assertiveness in the end is not about controlling other person and expecting that other person will do what I want. That is not realistic nor it is mentally healthy - to expect I can control other people.
Psychoanalytic thinking from Scotland, TWITTER:
The human condition always has a context
Psychology, TWITTER:
Never base your life decisions on advice from people who don't have to deal with the results of your decisions.
Fact, TWITTER:
Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to just stop caring.
Fact, TWITTER:
First rule in life: If you never go after what you want, you'll never have it.
Fact, TWITTER:
Don't listen or think about anything other people say about you. Just live your life and prove them wrong.
The bets made by the experiment’s participants demonstrated that people tend to make a reasoned choice when given some information from which the degree of probability, and therefore risk, can be assessed.
However, their behavior changes if a future outcome seems ambiguous, and this is the paradox that departs from expected utility theory.
It has become known as “ambiguity aversion,” and sometimes “Knightian uncertainty” after the US economist Frank Knight.
People want to know more about the unknown, unquantifiable risks that expected utility theory cannot account for.
People don’t care about probability when they choose.
PARADOXES IN DECISION MAKING
DK The Economics Book
People do not calculate gains and losses through mathematical probability. They are affected more
by whether they stand to gain or lose, and how the question is framed. People are not 100 percent rational.
People tend to place a higher value on an object when they own it—and do not want to lose it—than before they own it, when it is only a “potential gain.
BEHAVIORAL ECONOMICS
DK The Economics Book
“You will never be able to experience everything. So, please, do poetical justice to your soul and simply experience yourself.”
- Albert Camus
Fact, TWITTER:
Bad relationships change good people.
(2.12.2021)
Regarding external referencing, from fear point of view I want to evade someone getting mad at me and I might do this by agreeing with someone. The reality is when person is wrong they will change their mind in the future and they will hate that someone agreed with them in the past. This is also another perspective, another angle why it is important to rely on my gathered knowledge and common sense rather than automatically agreeing with someone. And to make it more complex, from empathy and diplomacy and friendship angle, I need to put myself in other person's shoes and being able to understand where they are coming from. I might confuse this with agreeing with them. Or they might misinterpret this as agreeing with them, while it is not. I think this is the reason why fawning is easily explained as automatically agreement, while healthy part of fawning is being able to understand and trying to understand the other person, seeing the things you disagree with them from their angle. It is not about doubting everything and it is not about creating conflict - it is about knowing what is right from what I learned up until now and telling it so.
It is easy to label someone toxic. However, when we do this we put labels on ourselves. It is being toxic. Toxic person will blame others and justify their actions as norm and standard and something to be expected. They will say things such as "Pain that they feel justifies and proves own righteousness. Also it is putting blame one someone else, that the pain is caused by others by doing certain things. It turns into victimizing ourselves, whining and complaining, too. And for most things that are vague, in the end it is not certain who is correct. Also this blaming can turned into a witch hunt. It can be abused and manipulated to control people who are unable to talk or defend themselves for whatever reason. And stronger person should not persecute others anyway. It comes down to mentally strong person is not and cannot be hurt by others to the extent of blaming others. From that perspective, my Agreeableness Theory comes into play. Putting pressure and rules on others render our defenses useless. In some cases, rare and extreme cases, we must break the imposed rules. Because rules can be imposed by the evil.
That is related to Bystander effect. It is interesting that this effect is never mentioned in relation to social anxiety in books and resources that I've read, although even without going into depth it is clear at first sight that it is related to social inhibition. Being unable to communicate needs and engage into quick conflict with society.
Regarding this effect: "If it is determined that others are not reacting to the situation, bystanders will interpret the situation as not an emergency and will not intervene."
This is proof that external referencing is social norm. It is not my caprice or quirk or perk. I learned this from people around me. I only accentuated it through trauma and shaming from others.
Variables affecting bystanders are directly synchronized with social anxiety and level of inhibited feelings and panic attacks: 1) Emergency versus non-emergency situations: the concept of "noticing" 2) Ambiguity: to determine their own safety before proceeding 3) familiarity of the environment where the emergency occurs 4) Priming: Imagining being around a group of people can affect a person 5) Being with a group of people and social responsibility norm, altruism and empathy 6) Responsibility - that other people are better and superior to handle social tasks.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bystander_effect
Bystander effect is definitely related to Social anxiety and Complex Trauma. It's high chance that person suffering from freezing in conflict situations that this person was once told to shut up, to quiet down to stop reacting to unfair treatment. As if expressing opinion and acting on injustice is evil. That's what we were been programmed, that we can only react if we make drama and explosions and if we do that it means we are bad person. This false message was implanted in us. People pleasing and fawning is causing moral injury in conflict situations because on one hand we have false virus message order to fix others and on other hand we also have another false fake virus message order to shut up and do nothing in order not to disturb someone or that someone might not be thinking bad about us. Both messages are false, wrong and mentally illness and they are both clashing - so there is the only normal reaction to these abnormal code: to withdraw, to freeze, to avoid people and to avoid life.
If I join Bystander effect and Devil on the shoulder concept - the result is that there is voice that appears as angel and it is broadcasting messages of what is correct and about not bothering other people. At what point I can distinguish what is normal and accepted. And another influence is brain injury, chemicals and hormones cementing the fear response and trauma response in form of freezing and fawning. There is also dysregulaton - hypervigilance and external referencing - seeing other people as gods. This gods part is interesting - since it implies having trust in other people too much, observing them as authority and holders of absolute truth. Another influence is cultural - society where corruption is accepted as normal. Where bickering, mocking and screaming and vulgarity and obscenity is accepted as normal. So if I say something I will be labeled as lunatic. Can I live with that if I remove external referencing from other people? If I have brain injury, no - since it will repeat intrusive worry and catastrophizing. Can I live with it when I change my focus towards Super-ego. The next challenge is can I live with the pain and hurt that external factor may conduct?
I have noticed that I made a pact in my early teen years about how I should be. I forgot about those deals but I stuck by them. For example, I decided I will not be angry and nervous and uncaring as people around me were. I guess this created a lot of damage further down the road. I blocked myself from natural reactions trying to be good. I had noble goal. However being stubborn about it, doesn't work when I encounter evil. My desire to be nice and good soon spread from not yelling and screaming into not talking and not being honest. As I somehow connected and glued being honest with explosions and high drama. I noticed this was not my fault though. People especially dumber ones are prone to lose temper when they experience cognitive dissonance. Especially people who are manipulative and my truth gets in their evil ways of hidden agenda and exploitation. As little I tried to be nice and good but later this turned into instability, panic attacks and inability to live.
In the end, it turns out that my beliefs, convictions and rules and conclusions are making me sick. And the ones regarding me being good and nice and civil are the worst ones. The exactly ones that I want to make myself to be noble and kind and good character. It is making me unable to live. Since the evil exist as byproduct of movement and taking action, if I try to suppress it, I am suppressing my movement as well. And to make it more complicated - this is paradox also. That strong rules about not having rules is also detrimental since it leads to paralysis as well. It all means if I do not try anything, what would happen? What would happen if I stop making conclusions and general rules about life? Do I need a rule to never express anger and angry emotions? In the end what happens is that I create devil on the shoulder, inner critic and panic attacks by my own will. I add my explanations to the event and people and I make things worse by self-censoring myself. And once again, I think that the world is black and white, as if there is no middle ground. As if that when I am angry that there must be explosions and drama and hysteria - the one that I observed and felt at the receiving end while growing up. Society is sick, I just reacted to it in immature way by making immature decisions that stuck with me. Now as adult they prevent me from having social life. Decision such as never be hysterical. The brain will pick on that as danger and replicate it in order to protect me from danger. When I make rules, brain is sorting this in forbidden and taboo sections and I am cutting my supply of reactions without being aware what I am doing. Since I do not want to be hypocritical, I want to be honest and play fair. And the world is not fair, the people are not honest. I chisel myself into perfection while the world is not perfect and it cannot be perfect. Another decision is to be friends with everyone since that way I can avoid getting hurt or abandoned or attacked by others. Also I am aware that people have hidden issues and they are in pain even when they do not show it. Also I see loud and obnoxious people as righteous. Also, I have rule that conflict does not pay off and that it is futile to argue with fools. I put general rule over situations and people who are different. I put Aristotelian one-rule to fit them all onto matters that require fuzzy logic. And then I see the system as the one that is trying everything to fit into the given mold. While in the same time I am doing this as well without being aware I am doing it each time I try to be nice, kind and friendly with everyone.
External referencing and inferiority complex go much deeper. It is connected to social anxiety and the feeling that everyone hates me. That's when I notice small gestures, words and insignificant movements or omissions such as not greeting me back as a sign that they hate me, and that automatically it means I am stupid and weak for being warm, friendly, nice and greeting others. This process goes unnoticeable. CBT fails in this case because CBT tries to challenge negative thoughts - whereas in social anxiety there are no negative thoughts - these appear as reality and something that is normal - that I am worthless because I am nice while others are suppose to be mad, angry, irritated. And this is where the illness sets in - both CBT and socially anxious person without CBT instructions will try to solve the problem by rumination. This creates additional issues - since I make imaginary hate valid, strong and powerful by looking at it as real threat instead of hallucination. I might come up with new idea such as never smiling, never greeting anyone. Or that I never show warm and friendly feelings or words. This additional thoughts make me stuck - both by rumination and by new decisions that will limit my life. And it is all based on inferiority complex and anxiety, that is false messages appearing real. CBT therefore creates additional damage by focusing on symptoms that spring from injury, wound and anxiety. CBT is literally doing the toxic thinking process described in PureOCD - trying to solve the unsolvable, keeping myself in hamster wheel loop, since it focus on symptom, not the cause which is distorted beliefs about my worth and placing worth in other people. CBT does not allow me even to discover that I have inferiority complex issues. It only produces more fears, anxiety and paralysis by engaging with perceived danger and trying to solve the tasks that anxiety throws at me to play with in my mind.
Auto pilot is damaged for people with social anxiety. For example, automatically seeing other people as gods and never doubt them, that they might lie. I see their words as ultimate and unquestionable truth and my personal command. It never occurs to me that they may be lying. It is interesting plot twist here with social anxiety - auto pilot is actually beliefs that are designed not to react automatically as by instinct, yet automatically by conditioned response, as an animal in circus, dressed to perform. Therefore in social anxiety auto pilot is automatic response to not be automatic. Social anxiety is running on a program tainted by virus code inside.
I realized that when I throw off resentment that I fused this decision not to be bitter is connected with being passive, submissive and that I am not allowed to protest, engage in conflict, speak the truth or reject or leave toxic relationships. This is false belief, false programming. I am allowed to renounce pouting and holding on to grudge and still act as others may interpret and label as pouting and being bitter and resentful. My false belief makes me pre-emptively expect that others may not like something that I need to do or say - that they may accuse me being rude, so I do not do it. I should. I can reject rudeness and still appear rude to others. They may label me, they can tell whatever they want about me, or anyone else, just because they say something it does not make it true. Just because someone says something it does not mean it is true. I need to repeat this to myself until I get it.
Information about external referencing and toxic shame as hallucinations helps against Post Mortem - rumination after the event. It also reduces the panic that is caused by rumination before the event, giving me courage to face my fear.
It is often said that quiet people should stay quiet because there is no absolute truth, it is best to keep quiet and not expose our ignorance. If this is taken literally, then we have a world where stupid people state the facts and everyone is exposed to these lies and biases and thus the lie becomes the value and focus of discussion and thinking. Therefore it is not wise to shut up. If someone states the fact that is actually hidden path to mental instability, it would be wise to comment it, so that the unsuspecting reader who is not still developed insurance in himself or a person suffering from external referencing - would take these lies as truth and believe in them, since there would be no opposition. Shutting up therefore leads to collective insanity and stupid people to govern the world.
Exposure is proposed solution for social anxiety - and it works at certain level but it is not panacea. It is because the feared person will still avoid confronting fears. The brain will deal with fears as filter - and with time, the main fears will grow and fester. Targeted facing of the fears is the only exposure. Going out and being outside is not the complete solution.
It is said that PureOCD is not real thing, since it is OCD. However I prefer to use this conceptual term because it distinguishes people who are aware that they have OCD against people who are totally unaware of OCD yet they perform certain ritual that they are convinced is helping them in their lives to deal with anxiety - such as meditation. We as humans are not endowed with tools to fix ourselves. We will end up with immature ego defense mechanisms in order to try to fix our mental problems - and it will make things worse. We need other people to help us with this.
We need external help from experts to guide us along.
CPTSD Foundation, TWITTER:
Strict parents teach their children to behave ‘correctly’ so they can exist in society without suffering.
But our guest contributor explains that children raised in such a manner may end up hypervigilant, and always striving to avoid punishment.
George Carlin once said: “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups”
It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data.
This is a quote from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's iconic character Sherlock Holmes.
(3.12.2021)
Hypervigilance in CPTSD is a bad thing, it makes person anxious and focus on intrusive worry, it is being stuck in a loop and not moving. However, being alert was helpful behaviour in childhood. Also, it is a helpful behaviour in business. So it is not totally negative, it can be used in business.
The same thing as fawning. It is a bad thing since its byproduct is putting my self worth in other people and seeking external validation - however the good side of fawning is diplomacy. So all bad and negative behaviours that serve as protection can be put to a good use if handled correctly. I am talking about using monsters to work for us. It is striking the right balance, yin yang. Integrating inner shadow and rejected parts that I am ashamed of or usually think of them as catastrophe.
It comes down to being myself. It seems to me that social anxiety is not being able to allow to be myself. I am afraid of my own dark side and possibilities that I might hurt someone through talking so I must and self-censor myself in the times when I need to speak up. So I need to assure myself that I am not evil, that I have no ill wishes or malicious intents towards others. I do not want to control other people, I do not want their money, I don't want anything from them, I have no hidden agenda hidden behind me. Therefore, I can allow myself to turn up as I am. If my default response is fawning - I don't need to stop it, I can even bring it out to the extreme so it becomes ridiculous. Social anxiety is constantly trying to micro-manage my behaviour and mistakes and it is exhausting. I get focused at the wrong things, things that I should not monitor at all.
External referencing locus of control is when I believe that I say or think that other person have to do something based on their behaviour rather than my self worth.
Fact, TWITTER:
Your personality is who you are. Your attitude is usually based on how a person treats you.
It is clear that human experience never provides us with everything we want. Instead, we
have to compete, struggle, compromise, and sometimes fight for things. In so doing, we develop a
language to explain and justify our claims and to challenge, contradict, or answer the claims of others.
central to the activity of politics, from its very beginnings, is the development of political ideas and concepts. These ideas help us to make our claims and to defend our interests.
DK The Politics Book
A ruler needs to have a wide range of knowledge, skills, and personal qualities.
Governance is possible only with assistance. A single wheel does not move.
CHANAKYA c.350-c.275BCE
DK The Politics Book
All things begin with counsel.
Chanakya
To govern the state by law is to praise the right and blame the wrong.
Han Fei Tzu
credulity - a tendency to be too ready to believe that something is real or true.
the subject of the belief may even be correct, but a credulous person will believe it without good evidence. The words gullible and credulous are commonly used as synonyms.
Wiki:
A confidence trick or confidence game is an attempt to defraud a person or group by gaining their confidence. Confidence artists exploit human characteristics such as greed and dishonesty, and have victimized individuals from all walks of life.
an analysis of human nature based on his observations of human behavior throughout history,
which brings him to the conclusion that the majority of people are by nature selfish, short-sighted, fickle, and easily deceived.
While they might appear to be an obstacle to creating an efficient, stable society, Machiavelli argues that some of these human failings can in fact be useful in establishing a successful society, though this
requires the correct leadership.
Man’s innate self-centeredness, for example, is shown in his instinct for self-preservation. However,
when threatened by aggression or a hostile environment, he reacts with acts of courage, hard work,
and cooperation.
Other negative human traits can also be turned to the common good, such as the tendency to imitate rather than think as individuals. This, Machiavelli notes, leads people to follow a leader’s example and act cooperatively.
Further, traits such as fickleness and credulity allow humans to be easily manipulated by a skillful leader to behave in a benevolent way.
An effective leader can harness the weaker traits of humanity in his people to great effect, in the same
way that a sheepdog can manipulate a herd of sheep.
NICCOLÒ MACHIAVELLI (1469-1527)
DK The Politics Book
The Sun Tzu begins with the understanding that conflict is an integral part of life.
Fixation. Instead of being the water cascading through the ravine, we are our own enemy, impeding its flow. We hold to a diminished view, a small part within the larger movement, rather than moving fluidly through it. We can become fixated in many ways.
Good habits can be as limiting as bad:
'Pure and honest, one can be shamed'.
'Loving the people, one can be aggravated.'
Any fixed quality is an impediment.
Another obstacle is our own projections. These prevent us from learning anything we don't already know. We never see the enemy because we can't even see ourselves clearly. Thus our world, which arises fresh and new at every moment, turns into something stiffly familiar.
The bonds forged by intimate contact and mutual respect provide the ground for the military's hard training and difficult tasks.
The Sun Tzu recognizes that conflict is painful and destructive and that responding to it effectively can require tough measures and a strong hand. Including many things that might not normally be considered acceptable acts for a sage.
Today's enemy may be a friend tomorrow. He himself always think bigger, seeing beyond them into something the enemy cannot conceive.
You must be equally ungraspable to your own troops. This is for their safety as well as the authority of your command.
"The Art of War",The Denma Translation
In the first portion, Solms, author of The Hidden Spring (2021), proposed in his opening statement that “the source of consciousness in the brain is in fact in the brain stem,” not the cerebral cortex, as is almost universally assumed.
I thought this was the Rosetta Stone into understanding deeply what it is to be human.
Neurosurgeon and Neuropsychologist Agree: The Brain Is Not the Mind
November 7, 2021, 4:46 PM
Evolution News.
No one can—nor should— try to define what happiness is for someone else, so a rule based on happiness cannot be applied consistently. “For… the highly conflicting and variable illusions as to what happiness is,” Kant wrote, “… make all fixed principles impossible, so that happiness alone can never be a suitable principle of legislation.”
IMMANUEL KANT (1724–1804)
DK The Politics Book
Fact, TWITTER:
The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all your flaws, mistakes, and weaknesses, and still thinks you're completely amazing.
Winston Churchill refused at all times to discuss anything at all with Hitler or with his representatives. Radical but reasoned, this non-negotiable defiance of tyranny, to the death if need be, was the core idea that would bring down the Nazis.
WINSTON CHURCHILL (1874–1965)
DK The Politics Book
(10.12.2021)
Social anxiety is people pleasing but it appears a sheer panic attack, almost unrelated to the other people. When socially anxious person feels urge to hide and feels potential or real criticism as real threat instead of seeing it as irrelevant if it is Ad Hominem - it is actually an act of people pleasing. It is making sure that everything in my power I can do is to appear small, subservient, quiet, that I do not bother the other person and go along with whatever they request or what I think they might request in order that they feel good. So this is done unconsciously, all the time from my perspective it is me who is the problem, my emotions, my fears and my panic, I do not connect it to the other person. The other person appears superior to me, an object that I must not question or even attack back in order to defend myself. As learned reaction to panic attack I see other people from this ego-centric prism. Therefore I will be convinced that other people hate me. It's not based on reality, it is based on my panic attack symptoms inside me. Chemicals and hormones raging inside and brain injury wound and brain without having the door that automatically shuts to stop andrenaline flowing in and flooding me with anxiety. So I am not present with environment, I am stuck inside my bubble and it is natural to freeze, to not react naturally.
Other people's definitions and explanations also add up to being ego-centric and being zoomed inside me and thus being zoomed inside other people as well. Other people will talk about conflict as not being able to differentiate between Hedgehog dilemma and when someone is coming in my face. So other people will define conflict as someone doing things that are not directly related to me, but them just being careless and forgetting what we told them before but they still do it - this is not conflict. This is usual human experience - being selfish, dumb, careless and carefree. If people really were empathetic and thinking on all other people - although this is good and ideal, in reality in real world this is unrealistic. It is hard, it is possible for people who are already empathetic by nature, but the cost for being caring and good and nice is having brain injury symptoms: being passive, being scared, defaulting to pessimism. It is painful and it hurts and other people mock it as having no backbone, oversensitive and weak. And especially people who are not prone to self improvement (unless something shocking and choking happen in their lives) they will not be motivated to change themselves and really grow up. Many people will prefer staying kid trapped in grown man's body, since it is comfortable. And from their perspective they are strong, they are able, they are superior. If they start to embrace empathy and caring and warmness, to them this is equal to de-masculine them and to stop them from living. That's how they experience it due to dysfunctional programming from environment. So if someone is loud or adjusting settings in your own home after you told them not to do that a day before - it is not conflict. Conflict would be confrontation, them demanding openly and accusing you for being wrong when you know you are right. Conflict is therefore not related to unspoken breaking of boundaries that are vague and normal in close circuit similar to hedgehogs being pricked in the winter when they are forced to be close to one another to keep warm - conflict is actually related to others noticing what they perceive in their head as my mistake, shortcoming, errors, pinpointing those failures and nagging about them, complaining and engaging in Glasser's negative habits of communications and mocking me - that is conflict. This is where I need to react. I am hailed on the screen - it is not situation where they are literally in the other room and they make noise unrelated to me. But since I experience the world from my fear symptoms I will feel as my rights being trampled upon. I can speak about it of course, but I got to realize this is not conflict. If I approach those situations as conflict, I will over-react. Intelligent person, people who are highly sensitive - will interpret anything as conflict - since the world is filled with people who are breaking other people's boundaries all the time. They are loud, rude, not caring, taking up other people space, their hurry is important, their nervousness is temper tantrum and they don't care how other people will feel if they express it. They are babies trapped in grown man's body. If I interpret this as conflict, I will go mad. There are so many of them, all the time, all around. I can do more on my tolerance, perhaps leave if the toxic environment is too much to bear. I can speak up if cornered - but I got to be realistic that I cannot control other people. It is said that I can change other people by my own actions, being the example for others.
Another problem with interpreting other actions that are not directly related to me is that I am putting myself in pontificating position. So I put pressure on myself that I must not be dumb myself, that I must not be stupid myself - and I put myself in dynamics that I am too important while other people are insignificant. That is not healthy, that is narcissism. So I make myself unhealthy by my explanations and conclusions that I draw from looking the world through the prism of my fear feelings and anxiety emotions. Anxiety is lying to us. When I pontificate others in the same time I hide my own faults, my mistakes so I end up being additionally afraid of making mistakes and embarrassed when I do make mistake. I also end up being afraid of other people's criticism - and that is social anxiety loop.
When I am bothered by other people indirectly bothering me - them being loud, obnoxious, careless - what happens is that I am giving them power to have influence over me. I am putting my self worth in their hands. I cut my natural reactions and common sense, since self worth is no longer inside me - I exported it to external referencing locus of control. And I am not aware of this going on at all. To me, it seems like natural reaction to me that I interpret conflict when someone is obnoxious without them engaging in direct confrontation with me. I end up with distorted perception how other people are, I end up scared of other people. I end up with mutism, self-censorship and shutting up, I do not alarm and alert others when they do start being aggressive.
Problem is that when actual conflict occur, I am already in panic state and I am unable to respond, I worked myself up to immobility and passivity in making myself believe that other person is super important while my space is unimportant, that my words are unimportant - and I shut up.
So this is twisted: I run on auto-pilot as natural state by following false step-by-step instructions that are faulty and repeated from trauma. While instead doing the same social anxiety program the correct and healthy approach would be that I bring up my natural state instead of auto-pilot based on fears by following general step-by-step instruction such as knowing what to do when I freeze: to quickly assess situation to avoid allergy and to speak up, so that I am natural, to base my actions and opinions on my self worth that is my common sense, logic, intuition and instinct. If someone mocks me, I speak out the elephant in the room, something that is obvious. I am aware that people are prone to biases and logical fallacies - I can speak those out. Some people lean on Ad Hominem - I can speak those out, that I am not important, that I am not subject. I can slowly bring argument back to solution, not drama. I can leave when someone is hysterical and they do not stop after I warned them. I see relying on my self worth and being willing to be alone, as oppose being codependent. This includes me turning up being labeled as weird by others. Since I have super-ego inside me and ability to see any topic from multiple dimensions - all I have to do is lean back and let my flashes and instinct and logic guide me. I do not need to try to catch up with it. I have guidance inside me, telling me what I need to say, do, act next. Problem is when I let other people guide me, and when I let my thinking about what other people are thinking to guide me in choosing my actions. It comes down to trusting myself instead of other people. My rules, obligations, rationalizations, shoulds, urges are tainted when I am not aware what is guiding them. My brain injury, chemicals inside my body and faulty brain that is unable to shut the door of panic attacks will hijack my common sense - and it is problem only when I am not aware of hijacking. Toxic shame is motor that keeps panic attack and hijacking ongoing, it broadcast waves of embarrassement, that I am not aware are hallucinations. They are veil over my face that is disabling me from seeing the world in clear detail, so I see everyone through the gauze.
The urge to be nice, good and kind is paradoxically making me immobile and passive and resentful. I end up being unkind, bad and not nice. And if I allow myself the capacity for wickedness - paradox is that this tolerance of wickedness actually makes me able to be nice, good and kind. If I try to be nice I will never make contact with anyone since I will not allow myself to bother other people. This wickedness is a test. Will I really be an evil person when I allow myself to be bad? Will I turn into hysterical out of control lunatic - or will I be able to process it as adult. Will I lean back on mature or immature ego defense mechanism - or will I be able to be who I am, letting my super-ego to guide me with the permission to integrate Id inside me?
This is because from social anxiety perspective, I see honesty as a bad thing. I see alarming other person as a bad thing. I define being frank as being rude. And from socially anxious perspective, I allow other people to label me or others and believe other people diagnosis over my own common sense. I define normal or neutral things as bad, that is social anxiety. And as being bad I over-react to them.
Also from trauma perspective, nagging and criticizing from others triggers me into dysregulation and amygdala hijacking. That's why I interpret this as other people's opinion and external validation is important to me and I can't shake it off.
I am afraid that I might lose control and that expressing myself - even the bad side should be done publicly. I would try it first inside me. Allowing my own self to mistakes, to turn up stupid, to be a fool, to make a fool of myself inside me. Anything that bothers me when others are criticizing me, anything that makes me embarrassed - that I allow myself to be that. All the obligations, and rules and shoulds how life should be - that I allow myself to break the rules inside. So that I can have true empathy towards people who are doing mistakes, instead of seeing them as a threat and danger, something to be avoided.
The obvious question is why I did not learn this dynamics and balance through all social anxiety books and resources and videos available to common people? It is because it is the issue with higher class, people who have money to buy the training and information. Social anxiety being the multiple manifold dimensional issue, it also means stepping into specific instructions about self esteem and confidence that are learned only at the certain money value price. I guess this is why all the anxiety cluster is wabbling in fear cycle. Poor people who have anxiety do not make much money - that they can't spend on learning how not to be afraid.
Social anxiety is belief about now knowing how I should act in fearful situations. I would rely on my gathered knowledge, a council of my experience, intuition, gathered data, instinct - giving myself advice based on my values, instead of basing my decision on prediction what other people may want me to do. My values may entail respecting other people - but not necessarily. I do not have to be afraid that I might become selfish - there is so much inner restraints and programming that will not allow me to become narcissist or harmful to anyone since I am not bad person inside with or without anxiety. Anxiety lies to me and trauma tells me I am bad person and toxic shame tells me that I am inept and I can't trust myself and thus I am not allowed to be weird or failure or loner or different.
"Never has law formed a good man: ‘tis liberty that breeds giants and heroes."
The Robbers (1781), Friedrich Schiller
While I can express my opinion I should be aware in the same time that nagging is perceived by others as an attack, the same way as social anxiety sees criticism as an attack, it is perceived distortion, especially to people who are either unable to process their emotions or wounded people. I need to find a middle way, that I both can express my thoughts (whereas without opinion I am no one) and that it is done without drama and hysteria. This is connected to conflict or when people hang onto a topic that they perceive as an attack. I might fall into trap of joining into drama or shutting up or talking too much after I said my bit. With social anxiety when I fawn I tend to shut up, so this makes it difficult to assess where is the difference between communication and being difficult and stubborn and nagging and thus boring. I can always say in the end, when there is no progress, that I agree to disagree. With social shame I would due to external referencing base my values, my actions and thought on hysteria of other people and perhaps join in or shut up - but I see it as an opportunity to brush ability to see how nagging and criticizing is ineffective way to talk to people. Also it is an opportunity to work on me being calm and expressing my thoughts in calm manner no matter when I face trauma triggers. I can check and brush on expressions that I use. In stead of directly blaming the other person, I could use different expressions that are describing how I perceive it rather than speaking out as if my opinion is the ultimate truth. "I might be wrong..." kind of expressions. It is not about brushing up the skills - because I will forget the instructions. It is about my attitude - that I am not defensive nor pontificating, that I come from the place of cooperation that I already have inside my naturally, since I fawn. That is what I try to convey in my Agreeableness Theory. Where I state my opinion, where I do not attack other person and where I voice out the elephant in the room and in the same time where I do not put other people down. Which is not easy when I know I am right about certain topic. In the same way they are also convinced they are right about something and they will push it. My stance must be the intelligent one, understanding the general relativity and ego-centrism - instead of automatic shut down. I see that social anxiety lacks this concept in communication.
Conflict and communication is not about skills as it is common myth that socially anxious people don't have communication skills and they must brush them since they appear scared and don't know what to say correctly or in proper manner. Since social anxiety is trauma based - the only problem is dysregulation. Being out of balance, thrown off the balance by the triggers and flashbacks. When dysregulation and hijacking are governing my opinions, thoughts, then the communication is tainted with it. And that is the only problem - dysregulation, not the lack of communications skills or not knowing what to say, or being stuck in what other people think of me. Being fine with my mistakes and opinions versus being governed by dysregulation without knowing I am dysregulated - where it appears as normal continuation of events and my thoughts - whereas in reality I am thrown out of balance without me being aware of it. So I try to fix what other people think, I try to make sense of my fears and panic - when I should not waste my energy on managing panic at all. To me it doesn't feel like panic, to me it seems like quirk, perk, fluke, caprice and "normal" and standard way of how things end up always.
When I am dysregulated I am dazed and see life through the gauze, my decisions are thwarted. This is why social anxiety official resources are so hang up on calming down - but it doesn't work since they do not make distinction between personality, Maslow needs and fears that are stemming from trauma wound. Calming myself down is calming the effects of bullies - by being passive to them. Calming myself down is staying with toxic people and in toxic environment and not moving. Calming myself down is inactivity and being passive and fawning and not having boundaries. I end up being pushover and people pleaser and with moral injury.
So I don't need advice to calm down, I need to de-regulate, I need to manage my dysregulation, I need regulation. Once I am regulated I can calm down, ignore, react or defend myself and to know what I need to do. Without regulation, I can't. I am like particle in quantum physics - I exist in all states, and it is irritable and excited.
I noticed that trauma is programming when I see elements of beliefs and rules in books about sociology, politics, business. Humans are not machines, they can't handle input like a computer. It is not realistic to strictly following certain belief without growing and improving. From this perspective, being strict is illness in social anxiety. Overgeneralizing is cognitive distortion. Therefore, the existence of stubborn and inflexible beliefs is a sign of distorted thinking.
Another aspect in social anxiety that I try to describe is inability to define what is sickness and illness and distortion. CBT explains it is physical symptoms and they explain distorted thinking as main problems. I think this is wrong approach. They focus only at the tip of iceberg, while they ignore the huge chunk that is under the water, hidden from the examiners and the target itself. It seems that in the end only the honest person will be persecuted and labelled as "crazy" simply because of his honesty and the aspects that such person conveys to be examined and monitored. If a person is shy and feel embarrassed, it would be normal to expect that such person will not convey everything due to embarrassement - and CBT ignores these untold stories that are hidden away from the observer. That is CBT at fault. In reality, I think many people would be labelled as "crazy" if they truly speak their fears and if they are educated enough so that they are able to know what to define and how to define it, for example their intrusive thoughts.
Han Fei Tzu said:
To govern the state by law is to praise the right and blame the wrong.
Which means, that as socially anxious person I detest criticism, it is at the root of trauma to be criticized unfairly. But I got to understand why criticism exists and what is the purpose of criticism in order to reject it and in the same time to use it as a weapon. When I take the criticism passively I am setting myself up to be immobile and to believe other people are superior. I am not aware that I might criticize back, this does not occur to me because I perceive criticism as an order and description of ultimate truth. That was the programming in childhood. So I can criticize back and use criticism as a weapon. Criticism is actually tool for myself, it is not instrument for my punishment as I perceive it.
Intelligent people will know what is good and right - therefore criticism allows transparency. Unfair criticism by dumb people creates chaos, disorder and destruction or trying to destroy other person's will power. When in fear I do not see it like that, I see it as instruction. I think this is the cause of disorder and psychological imbalance. I allow myself to be programmed and hypnotized by loud and obnoxious people when I believe that criticism from others is instruction and truth. There are wrong advice out there about being assertive and how to stop people pleasing and being pushover - that I must speak up. But the solution is in perception and distorted views: when person observes and experiences other people's criticism as the ultimate truth and order automatically without questioning it. I take inferiority stance because I do not believe I have self worth in me, I do not perceive myself as valid. And I automatically perceive others as competent, clever, far more intelligent and experienced and put value in those non-confirmed beliefs about others without ever becoming aware that I might be totally wrong. Because self worth must exist in order to do anything in life - so I put it in other people and thus cause the chain on unseen events like domino effect, including the belief that other person words is my command and order. So abolishing people pleasing and pushover is stating my disagreement, stating my opinion, sticking up to my values and beliefs, saying no if I don't want something and being willing to experience torrent of shame, anger and unjustified actions by others, lies and unfair treatment. It also means being willing to cut contact, and this is also another reason why I shut up - because I don't believe myself I can survive on my own.
Brain injury and intrusive worry.
I noticed that the cycles and loops of worry does not appear as worry to me. It appears as some task I need to solve. And I do not perceive it as task at all, I just think about something that worries me. Usually it is some even from the past where I was treated unfairly, it is about the event of injustice where I feel I was wronged, someone did something unfair, rude, where someone took my space, denied my rights. That I should and could do something - usually get into conflict, but I've chosen to retreat instead in order to not rock the boat or make a scene. It is about scenes from the past where someone was stubborn and intrusive. And even after I found out about concept such as PureOCD and intrusive thoughts, I could not distinguish the worry and solving loops puzzles, I did not perceive them as such, since the brain would present problems more complex, more deep, more unsolvable and unsolvable with each cycle. And to me it appeared as depression, a feeling of helplessness. From these loops I do not see that I generalize and overgeneralize, that I blew up one incident as something that occurs all the time, and without solution - I do not move or think about going away or cutting the contact. That is why the brain injury concepts help me - I understand that no matter what, there will be times when some trigger will set me off to worry about past events and realizing that this is not helpful, this is not healthy. It seems to me like I am going to find the solution by worry if I just think about it. Now I understand that this urge to engage in my unfairness thoughts is injury from trauma, being exposed to relentless criticism all the time and adult hysteria that I could not process as child. Also PureOCD tells me that I cannot stop this thoughts, I have to zoom out and shift focus - as the best way to step out of the thinking cycle.
Brain injury is critical for understanding because it is influencing my decisions - or rather indecision and immobility. It makes me scared, people pleaser, being pushover. And it is associated with guilt, taking responsibility automatically without considering it is manipulation by toxic person who injured me through verbal abuse. Brain injury is also being ego-centric, since I see events and people from narrow tunnel point of view that is very limited. But I am not aware of this, so I would almost never remember the times when something different happened as oppose it comes up to my mind.
Regarding social anxiety, it seems to me that if people were quite honest and if they understood psychological concepts, and if they were open to learn and face their emotions, that they would admit they have social anxiety themselves. They just cover it up well.
Since brain injury is using past events as trigger and flashbacks, I do not see any other way to resolve it other than forgiveness. It is in the past. I cannot control other people. I can react or leave now, in the present - it is my choice. Whatever it is in the past is resentment if I feel used, treated unfairly, subjected to abuse that I didn't ask or initiated - I got to let go by forgiving others and forgiving myself. I am not living in a just world. I do not know why it was allowed. I can work on making a world to be just world, that is all control I can have - giving example to others by my behaviour and actions and opinions. Instead of worry loops I would replace them with forgiving.
The repeated subject with being triggered and flashbacks in Complex Trauma is being treated unfairly. It is a strong belief that I am being exploited and that the other person is a tyrant. The problem is when I don't see the entire picture. By labeling the aggressive person I am unwittingly putting myself in a position of victim, I strip away my own power to talk and react and I subjugate myself instead of seeing myself on par. I noticed this bitterness and urge to see aggressive people as tyrant and coupled with anger and unsolvable negative feelings that keep me in intrusive worry loop by people who are prone to drama and hysteria. It is a part of being passive aggressive since it does not confront the problem, it only nag and complain about it behind other people's back. I see this pouting and grudge as negativity building itself up for approving oppression and violence. The oppressive one then becomes oppressor.
So I would step back and look at brain injury broadcasting injustice and anger thoughts, flashbacks, triggers that remind me of unfair treatment - just step back and look at it. I know that if I could get revenge, I would be nothing better than violent and aggressive people who done the damage. It is genetic and intro-generation curse that is keep on repeating and it needs to be stopped.
Also if I could just step back and observe the social anxiety - from a distance it appears as unnecessary and fog entity that keeps me blocked and away from living. When I experience it in the real time it is uncomfortable, painful, the same as triggers and flashbacks - but from the distance it does not matter what someone did or say.
So could I forgive people? What would happen if I am at peace with whatever happened to me? Will I paradoxically have more courage to speak up when I need to speak up and stand up for myself?
If I am embroiled and zoomed into fears and panic, I get frozen and I fawn - since I am submersed by the panic. I think the effect of zooming out is the healing itself. It means no longer being obsessed by the fears and commanding and deciding from the place that is not affected with angry and rude people, violence and verbal abuse that triggers me into panic and intrusive worry. Social anxiety is chronic anxiety. And that makes it so devastating - it blocks me from living and doing and being out there. Instead it makes me blocked and immobile. So the health is when I am not obsessing and worrying anymore.
It would come down to have natural reactions and not being ashamed by my choice no matter what someone mocks about it, calls me weird. Being fine with being me even when I make fool out of myself or mistakes or when someone embarrass me in the public in front of everyone to judge and laugh at me.
So social anxiety would be when someone pulls me down, express their hate towards me, label me as lunatic and weird and wrong - that I do not worry about it. That I am able to shift focus, being able to see that person as invalidated, wrong and mentally ill and non-important.
I noticed in the past when I did not know concepts about external referencing that I lull into peace only to be savagely attacked from behind by trauma, trigger, flashback, some unconvenient incident. And official resources may include that I am aware and that I monitor my reactions - which now I know from Polyvagal theory that only lead to being hyper-alerted. Before, without knowing all the concepts I would not know how to handle and manage difficult people and difficult situations other than fawning and PureOCD. Now I know. The learned concepts about intrinsic value locus of control and being honest and forgiving - not holding onto resentment and knowing that uncomfortable feelings I experience are not reality - but only hallucination from toxic shame and trauma being triggered, dysregulate me into amygdala hijacking. So I do not need to control things that are outside of my control anymore.
I learned concepts such as external validation, trauma bonding, knowing other people are not superior, and that they do not hate me and that I can be on par with others - but it is also about understanding that when I judge, attack, label others, when I put restrictions on them that I limit my response and I limit my tolerance - I work on my anxiety without being aware of it. The tolerance would be having natural reaction, expressing my opinion, being myself as weird and stupid and ugly and insane and foolish as anyone could mock about me, just being fine as I am, believing in my super-ego as guide instead of seeking external validation.
Conflict yes - being obsessed no. Expressing myself is being ok with myself no matter what mistakes or blunders I make along the way. When I am ok with me being me, I can rely on myself to feel good about myself, it is powerful feeling.
And that is different from social anxiety mentality, being stuck in what other people say or think about me and trying to match my emotions and reactions in accordance what other people think or trying to correct myself early on, before anyone could say something bad about me if I am making and being inconvenience to them.
But although they can see all of time, they don't try to change the course of events. While the Trafalmadorians may be at peace with their lack of agency, Vonnegut's human characters are still getting used to it.
A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.
We are all here to help each other through this thing...whatever it is.
Parable: two yeast sat discussing the possible purposes of life as they ate sugar and suffocated in their own excrement. Because of their limited intelligence, they never came close to guessing that they were making champagne.
YT Why should you read Kurt Vonnegut?
CPTSD Foundation, TWITTER:
An emotional flashback can be likened to a “hijacking of the amygdala.” It forces survivors to relive a traumatic event without the context of the memory associated with it.
However many material comforts I bring into my life, they
cannot protect me from the pain of suffering.
The total denial of material comforts and a life of asceticism
does not protect me from suffering either.
Each person needs to find a balanced, moderately disciplined
lifestyle that takes account of their individual circumstances.
Find the Middle Way.
Siddhartha Gautama
DK The Religions Book
Writing To Riches, TWITTER:
Fact:
Most people don't take risks because they're afraid of embarrassment, not anything that's truly dangerous.
Yoga means union. Seeing your perception of life – world and you. You versus universe is bad competition. You don't compete with universe. Yoga means union. It feels like one. You need to do little bit of yoga, otherwise your mind will get twisted out with all kinds of ideas, emotions and opinions. You will have no problem with everything, you will communicate absolutely because you have opened up your boundaries. If you have concretized your boundaries, this is me, they with this you'll always have a problem.
Approaching how you handle your body, how to handle your chemistry, how to handle your energies, how to handle your mental fluctuations. If you bring this at certain level, you are at ease. You being at ease is the most important. Otherwise, you will not experience life the way it is. In agitation everything is distorted.
YT The Great Sadhguru
The Key To Overcoming Social Anxiety - Sadhguru – TGS
Express you're disapointed. Let her know. It doesn't mean being jerk about it. "It makes me feel disapointed to hear that but I understand, make it up to me, can I ask why, is everything ok." Expressing your disapointment is a really good way not to be walked all over and not become a doormat. You are giving them feeback, they need to know. That is super powerful. Don't act like it doesn't bothers you. Ask can they give it to you. Ask if they can make it for you. The worst thing they can say is no. If you never ask you will never know.
This requires you to know what you want, if you are people pleaser, you probably spent a lot of years of your life not even knowing what you want because you just tried to please everyone else. I want you to people pleasing yourself.
Pardon me or excuse me, why should you apologize, watch when you say i am sorry, you are not even aware of it. Really mean it. It tells me you dont value yourself.
YT How To Stop Being A People Pleaser
Healing from social anxiety is actually a process of removing imposed guilt that's not based on reality and objective transgression.
It is said that self esteem is affected with things I surround myself with. The books about self esteem compare this with food you intake. If you eat junk food you will not get healthy body. Then the obvious problem is what to do when I can't influence things, people, events around me. The same problem is with CBT which states that other people cannot influence our emotions if we do not allow them. But they do. Other people can influence others. The advice that focus on symptoms is wrong, since it does not address people pleasing issues, fawning, shutting up, not standing up to bullies - and this part is connected to politics and the distribution of resources. Social anxiety is connected to being exploited, and this makes it the part of conspiracy, this is the point where is intersects with conspiracy where a certain part of society does not want people to be rebellious. Also being focused on symptoms is similar to lobotomy. The personality is intertwined with fears and panic. For this reason I would rather work on detrimental parts of social anxiety, rather than chasing the fears away. This means changing the way how I react and think about issues. Instead of controlling the panic symptoms I would let them be and work on my perception and beliefs. It is about working actively on shifting my focus. The fears and panic make me think in scarce way, that I have no resources other then my fear subject. There is a plenty of what I can do and be around, plan and project, I am simply not grateful enough to see it when I am afraid.
I see Complex Trauma dysfunctional environment in childhood expecting and treating the child as adult. Forcing answers from the child why they made mistakes, why they did this or that - and as adult this child grows up trying to control things out of the control. Seeking answers immediately or catastrophizing if there is no answer, so it is easier to jump to conclusions and false conclusions to resolve dilemma forced by dysfunctional environment as learned and conditioned in childhood. The narcissist try to dominate and play god so it is actually being trained to become narcissist - that it is my responsibility to have people under my control or they might reveal some of my secrets or wound me by pinpointing my flaws.
Shifting focus from brain injury default intrusive worry and pessimism means focusing myself on my goals, chores, tasks that need to be done. But this can become problem when I limit myself. Having friends and good people around means talking with them and engaging in conversation that reveal to me that there are good things to worry about and center my focus and attention to as oppose to trying to figure out how to people please and fix other people problems and avoid their frustrations, imagined or real, happening now or trying to evade their potential anger and temper tantrums. And all I can focus is trying to evade other people expressing their anger and trying to mock or ashame me. I am not aware I can detach from worry. So if I do not have friends and money to shift my attention, I can seek resources within myself. What interest me, what can I learn, what is my passion - this is not my focus when I am triggered. And it takes time when I calm down to remember that I have my own interests and what I like and spend time with that. When I am triggered, when someone is rude and aggressive, real or imagined, I am not aware of this, but I become ego-centric. My feelings become priority whereas people who are kind and good, and information and resources that are good for me - I forget them all. From my perspective, ego takes over but it doesn't feel like ego. To me it feels like epic battle between good and right and that I must show others what is good and get even. In this way I have amnesia, and I forget common sense and wisdom. I can't remember sweet things. That is amygdala hijacking.
And when I finally found what is missing is the solution to worry itself. I can't find it if I am not aware that I am hypnotized into external referencing and toxic shame, guilt and amnesia.
Social anxiety is present with people wherever I might come into contact with them. Instinct reaction is to avoid and flee them, not talk with them. If I am forced to talk, I keep it brief. If I see it from perspective of social anxiety is natural I should not fight it or pretend I am super friendly which would lead me to people please and fawn. And it is about being on par with others. This means without being fake, being honest - but this does not mean revealing everything about myself, data that they ask they might use against me later. So if I have trauma, if I have uncomfortable experience from the past, if someone used my weaknesses against me to control, ashame or mock me - I will feel uncomfortable with talking with people. So what is being natural - it means being myself. If I don't care what someone thinks - without shyness and if I don't have evil agenda - I would not feel like I have anything to hide anyway. If I am ok with being myself, I am ok with being mocked for whom I am, I can explain any aspect of myself, it is not wrong.
Healing from social anxiety would be catching my hidden beliefs that I firmly execute without thinking. For example when I automatically try to be friends with everyone immediately, without knowing them. Now I know this is because of external referencing locus of control. Since I done it all my life, it will be hard to change it, it is habit now.
Or when someone is rude I will be triggered and I need to re-regulate my emotions - I will not see it like that. It will not feel like deregulation, or being triggered at all. I will not be aware that I engage in trauma response.
Social anxiety left as it is means I have no shift in my focus, I try not to re-regulate. I would not take action, I would avoid and isolate myself to deal with fears. I would not know that I need to change the scene, to change the background and that I am unable to appreciate the plenty of being fine with myself, what I like. I would worry and stay in immobility without variety without choice.
I realize now that without social anxiety I would be a brat, self entitled, self centered, and then angry and selfish. I would be narcissist. I would expect other people to appreciate me and then pout if I would not get appreciation. I would see people as something to mold and use up, as toxic environment around me treated me. I would be resentful at people and hold onto grudges. I am not sure I would do more, since other people would block me.
Also, without tips about social anxiety I would be afraid. I would develop OCD. Being aware of these alternative timelines is crucial for healing. It shows me that I am affected by environment. And also that I have hidden beliefs that run my automatic decisions, especially the guilt.
I would be in toxic loops of people pleasing, seeking approval, inferiority complex. I see healing in realizing this difference, knowing I can do so much more in life rather than being afraid, not moving, being silent.
Since main fear subject is other people criticism and thus conflict and confrontation being major trauma triggers, it is useful to employ my fawning response in a way to respect other person no matter how annoying they appear. It is about knowing that in Sociology it comes down to be respectful to everyone, since no one deserves the abuse. No one deserves to be treated like sub-human. It may be hard for people who engage in fight response, but this respectful attitude can come naturally to me. Now I know that the problem is not someone being rude, but my own belief that I am inept, inferior, that I should self-censor my opinions and common sense.
The idea is that social anxiety is response to abnormal situation, abnormal people and abnormal events. If I can control my response I can change my response in creating social anxiety responses. I know now social anxiety is a part of Complex Trauma. It is about knowing I get triggered, I will get hyperaroused. I would find a way how to function with being natural, that I know what is correct response since obviously I choose the wrong beliefs and actions.
One of hidden flashbacks that influence not doing and being immobile and hidding out is image of what someone might say and how would they react if I do this and that. It happens quickly and it is the devil on my shoulder - but it appears as flash image of someone being pissed off or mocking me as a reaction to whatever I am about to do, what I want or intend to do. And so I do nothing. The flash is enough to abort the decision, I prune myself off too soon, before I could give a chance to make a fool of myself, not at least to give it a test and see what would really happen. I see this image flash and my decision to do nothing as distortion. If I am not harming anyone, if I do not have evil agenda behind it, there is no reason not to do it. I would think it is not perfect and that me being embarrassed is the worst thing in the world. I also see myself shunned and left alone, as it was in the original trauma when social anxiety started. This is exactely why I feel moral injury when someone criticizes me anyway - when I do something - since I know whatever I do went through horrific and detailed scrubbing of potential criticism, I investigated all possible sides before engaging in action anyway, I did not do it because of a whim or without thinking how others might react, without taking into consideration what someone might say. The problem is I cancel a lot, and I am left with leftovers and only safe things to do, which is not a lot. I cut away my personality - and all because of what someone might say or react, since all the way it was external referencing locus of control loop, hamster wheel of worry. I think this flashes are keeping me in hyperarousal state, too. It is not only about what someone mights say, their laughing or attacking me - it is also them leaving me, labelling me as crazy and being rejected by others, too.
Social anxiety becomes detrimental when I am fixated on other people's reaction. It is as if nothing else exists. And there is a difference how I respond to someone being rude - when it is actually happening and when it is over and done. During post mortem I can't do anything at all, it is finished. During the confrontation I can't do anything to change other person. I get fixated on guilt if I say something, I get fixated on if I do nothing - in any case I feel guilty. So being aware and becoming aware I am fixated on worry is a good thing, since I can do something to change it. If I am obsessed with something, it is PureOCD. PureOCD is being fixated on the worry without performing any ritual. I might think of things that might become ritual but not necessarily. I see flashback images that prevent me from doing things here as hidden cause of later worry. It is because I end up doing nothing and I have no idea what I could and should do and what I could have done. I forget the fact that I obeyed fear flashback images and I completely forget the fact that I have chosen to do nothing or to hide or to shut up based on these images of what someone might say or how they might react.
So another detrimental factor is other people's reaction, their criticism. I got to be aware this will cause haywire inside me, that it will trigger me. So I should know what to do automatically instead of habitual social anxiety trauma response in a form of shutting up and avoiding and feeling inferior. I know now that large part plays the information and knowledge about trauma bonding and external validation, seeking locus of control in other people.
Fact, TWITTER:
Nothing holds you back more than your own insecurities.
I Am OKAY ONLY IF YOU are Okay/Help for Codependency/Lisa Romano
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qJ4Xq0u4qE
sense who they are inside is enough. Not use love as weapon. Not control and coerce gaslight their children. Force children to deny their reality, you talk yourself out of it, rationalize to justify what you are experiencing. You look for all your emotional needs outside you. You are programmed to feel abandoned, all your needs should be met outside yourself. People pleasing, hard time st boundary, attract people who seem confident and assertive, you attend to their needs. On surface appear you have no needs on your own. You get idea it is your job to take care of everyone else, that's where you tie your identity. I am good because i rescue. I am good because i don't hold my mother responsible. We don't realize we are abandoning ourselves. Living through false self. I am ok if you are ok. You feel like it's your job to make sure everyone else is okay. High codependent will not feel ok if people are not feeling okay. You don't know how to leave people alone. Let people squirm. You feel very uncomfortable when other people are uncomfortable. You become other people's doormats. You are not okay if other people are not okay. Identity is built that reinforces idea you don't have needs. You feel better when people need you, these people rely on you. You don0t know you are doing this. You live below the veil of consciousness and you are seeking a sense of self. You are programmed to believe that you can find that sense of self outside of you. So it is natural for you to not set boundaries. You will feel guilty anytime anything goes wrong in your experience.
Something that happens in front of you, literally has nothing to do with you, you can have full blown trauma response thinking that this person that this thing that happened to is going to be angry. That is huge trigger. Codependents struggle when they think that other people are angry.
And they want to run in and fix it. Oftentimes codependent will freeze when something negative happens. Their internal dialogue is what i could have done to change this. What can i do to fix this. Oh my god this person is upset, what can i do to make them feel better. It literally has nothing to do with you. But the internal dialogue of codependent person is fear. And it is tied to feeling guilty for things you're not even guilty of.
This can be very damaging when you are in relationship when someone is going to exploit your need for validation. Because there are predator types of personality out there that will be able to pick up on this idea, sense you have that causes them feel you need them to be ok. They huff just sto see your reaction, they act angry just to see if you'll jump. It took a while to detach and let it go. If something happening and it has nothing to do with me i try to keep mindful it has nothing to do with me. Codependent – you came from a home that was verbally punishing. You came from home where you were accused of things you were not guilty of. And so there is natural tendency to feel guilty and to feel ashamed and to feel wrong like nothing you ever did was good enough. And also that is was your responsibility to fix it. So becoming fixer is coping mechanism. Certainly if I can fix what upsets you, then you calm down. What i don't realize is that as I am trying to navigate your emotions I actually want to try to control your emotions so that you can feel calm so that I can control my emotions. It's all below the veil of consciousness. If you struggle with codependency you do not feel good enough. You look for people to affirm you. Relationships are where this stuff will show up. Abandonment trauma tirggerd. Waht should i not say. You get uncomfortable with distance, it triggers rescuing. You hagd to tolerate it, you had no needs, no value in your emotional experience. You ahd to negate your feelings in that family system. She's been taught if she steps out of line there is negative outcome. Not being aware of it will teach children to do the same thing. When you attrac partner with high narcissistic trait they teach you to be afraid of standing up for yourself. In attempt to control your mum anxiety mom acquiesces to the narcissistic dad. It works – if you want to manipulate narcissist – just affirm them, just validate them, tell them everything they want to hear. Reinforce their narcissitic self image, and they will calm down. In that situation codependent has figured out how to manage the emotions of a more narcissistic partner. On the surface codependent looks like she is trying to calm down the narcissist, but however byproduct she begins to feel calm. She's trying to control the anxiety in herself will reinforce pattern – try control children emotions so that they dont get out of line and upset the father. Control her own anxiety about this relationship. As codependent we dont feel ok if everyone else is not ok.it is so dysfunctional and maladaptive. Until we recognizie waht codependency is. Undersding how we enable bad situaion, honor our true self. Until we do this we live below veil of conscioienss. At surface we are like in control of everything. We are upset at people who dont listen to us, angry resentful but at the same time – you dont leave. You complain, you might argue, protest but you dont leave. We have to honor the self, we have to stop allowing other people to control our moods. There 's need to control emotions of other people because when codependent sense someone else is upset, they have hard time regulating their own emotions. Regulating their emotions comes by acquiesing subjegating people pleasing and being what everybody else needs to be ok. This is not your fault.
sycophant - a person who acts obsequiously towards someone important in order to gain advantage.
Fact, TWITTER:
When doing a task, telling yourself that you can do better can actually make you do better.
When I look back upon my life
it’s always with a sense of shame
I’ve always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
no matter when or where or who
has one thing in common too
It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
It’s a sin
Everything I’ve ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I’ve ever been
Everywhere I’m going to
It’s a sin
At school they taught me how to be
so pure in thought and word and deed
They didn’t quite succeed
For everything I long to do
no matter when or where or who
has one thing in common too
It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
It’s a sin
Everything I’ve ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I’ve ever been
Everywhere I’m going to
It’s a sin
Father forgive me
I tried not to do it
Turned over a new leaf
then tore right through it
Whatever you taught me
I didn’t believe it
Father you fought me
‘cause I didn’t care
and I still don’t understand
So I look back upon my life
forever with a sense of shame
I’ve always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
no matter when or where or who
has one thing in common too
It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
It’s a sin
Everything I’ve ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I’ve ever been
Everywhere I’m going to I
It’s a sin
Pet Shop Boys - It's a Sin
Psychology, TWITTER:
Intelligent men and women are more easily annoyed by people in general.
Every problem becomes
very childish when once
it is explained to you. Here
is an unexplained one.
Sherlock Holmes
(25.12.2021)
When I am dysregulated, triggered and when I have flashbacks, imaginary audience and when I remember comments made, criticism from rude people - that at that moment I think I have to engage in fight just to prove others I am strong and that I am not a fool. I know this belief is implanted by toxic environment, where I have obligation to be strong. It is mixed with embarrassment and toxic shame - feeling inept and worthless. And what I do not notice is that I give power to people who irritate me, who make me angry. In my mind I want to resolve the conflict - but I actually give them power to manage my emotions. I can let them go. I do not need to convince them anything. I cannot control other people. My words will not change them, they are narcissists - they cannot be changed, they lack empathy and healthy mind.
External referencing and inferiority complex and toxic shame tell me that I am inept and that I can't react to surprising events and situations. When I put self worth back to myself, and rely on my intrinsic values, it means I realize I have gathered knowledge inside me. It is like huge archive inside me - and since it is so large, I don't even bother to open the doors, to check all cupboards, open all drawers and trays and pick up what I need. Toxic shame will tell everything in order for me not to realize this place exists inside me. So I will not be aware I have it at my disposal.
Toxic places and toxic people are those who prevent me from accessing and moving on, they make me stuck. So I do not even try, I know I will be stuck.
For understanding social anxiety as a fear from other people's criticism - it is important to notice that people who are criticizing - mocking, laughing, pinpointing, pontificating others - are actually doing this exactly because of their own social anxiety. They feel themselves deep toxic shame, ingrained inferiority complex, and they simply project it onto others. Problem is that the person on the other side might have external reference locus of control and takes every word as true, truth and order and command. Person who is pontificating others believes their viewpoint is the correct one, and everyone else has false narrative. They do not understand that other people are different, that it is normal to be different and we are suppose to be different. The inability to tolerate differences is a part of compulsions - this is all toxic shame. It is related to perfectionism and fear from making mistake. And it goes further - the fear of embarrassment, reputation loss and making a fool out of oneself. So they prune themselves and others and work their neurosis. They deal with their social anxiety which now comes naturally due to relentless criticism and negating self expression - it is dealt in their head as degrading others. If I have trauma bonding, I will not see this as degrading, I will perceive it as there is something horrible wrong with me and I must hide it. So belief to have correct way of thinking is the road to inhibitions.
Fear of criticism.
Social anxiety by definition is fear from criticism. It seems as if we have this very sensitive part of someone judging us negatively. And this is where CBT and therapy goes wrong. It focused on the symptom. So the person suffering from social anxiety thinks that he is the only one with this fear. As oppose to "normal" and "healthy" people. This comparison is never covered in CBT nor therapy but it is crucial in understanding social anxiety. The thing is that "normal" and "healthy"people are in fact bothered by criticism - they are bothered very much. In so much that it is even harder, deeper and more traumatic than person with social anxiety. As if fear of criticism for socially anxious people is half-baked, toned down, smothered. And it is. Since fear from criticism is the central point of social phobia - it is that we do not allow to feel it. We numb it down. Try to cover it up. CBT and mentors do not help with this process since they instruct us to develop some magical social skills - as if we have to cover this fear of criticism even more, with building up our competency. Then it comes down to covering up feeling of inadequacy which is detrimental side of CBT and official therapy. I would suggest this fear of criticism to be even more highlighted, to be more accentuated, more pronounced to the point it becomes comical even. Other people are bothered by criticism a lot and it effects them, no matter how much they may appear not bothered. Shame is used as control and hypnosis of others, it is very effective and it is highly contagious. CBT doesn't work since covering it up only makes it stronger. Pretending it is not there makes it stronger. Trying to compensate and over-compensate only deepens the inferiority complex.
I noticed that not only we need to learn about Complex Trauma to learn helpful concepts, but also we need to learn other disorders such as Borderline and Narcissism. Since social anxiety through fawning makes us to people please and observe other people automatically as innocent, good and well meaning, we have no perception that this person might have evil intentions and manipulation behind their actions and words. They might even appear helpful and friendly.
This way I noticed that aggressive people who deal with their trauma and anxiety by attacking others and blaming others and pinpointing other people's mistakes and flaws while in the same time they see themselves as superior - that these people believe in their perception and nothing else. They build up their own fantasy world and then impose it on others. This is why it is impossible to negotiate or agree with them. It is their way or highway. Without knowledge to identify narcissist I would agree and go along with their gaslighting. I would see them as superior, better more experienced, and as guidance. They would pick and prick my flaws and mistakes and I would feel bad, they would use toxic shame to control me. From my perspective it would appear as help or their good will.
I don't even allow myself to think that perhaps the rude person is mentally ill, borderliner, narcissists or manipulator. It doesn't occur to me that the other person is the issue - automatically I think I am problem, I am wrong, I did something wrong, I take the blame in order not to rock the boat, without even thinking about alternatives and what really happened. That is external reference locus of control.
Social anxiety is having imposed guilt, it is about feeling guilty I am not suppose to feel guilty about. Since I put my self worth in other people hands (external reference locus of control) I will attract borderliners, narcissists and manipulators who will exploit this through guilt, they will impose guilt on people who seek external validation. Guilt makes me shut up and self-censor so truth cannot come up and out into the light and I am left accused of wrongdoing, feeling wrong by default due to toxic shame. This is hypnosis, guilt is hypnosis. It is being conditioned like Pavlovian dogs, programmed in childhood to shut up and take the blame for the sake of peace, not to rock the boat.
Through guilt I am forced to forfeit my self worth, my truth and my defense.
Social anxiety and CBT information is distorted and thwarted since it does not focus on this hypnosis of guilt. Instead therapy focus on physical symptoms and labeling intrusive thoughts as intrusive worry - when in fact it is guilt. Implanted and implemented external guilt based on lies and nothing.
Other people may not be evil, but just clutzes. They will invent truth in order to resolve doubt and paradox and unknown. Thus they will jump to biases and logical fallacies and prejudices and pontifications. The trouble is when I cannot speak my truth, my side - yet I shut up in order to avoid their temper tantrums, anger and violence. That is social anxiety.
Then additional guilt and shame makes me stuck. I try to solve the unsolvable. I try to appease others. CBT and official social anxiety mentors and resources do not focus at all at this imposed guilt and reaction to implanted guilt. They try to resolve feelings that are based on lie, but they do not focus on lie. They do not shun light on bad people who accuse others and speak biases and who are ignorant, and probably with lower IQ levels and poor emotional skills. They totally ignore external factor and thus they join into blame and guilt - this is why advice from CBT and official mentors do not work. They believe in their hypothesis that other people cannot control our mood, our thoughts and our emotions, that it is our responsibility how we feel and see the world and perceive our reality. But they are not aware we are hypnotized into disbelieving ourselves and abolishing any guilt directed towards others. The advice from CBT and official resources is actually designed for narcissists and borderliners.
The totally healthy person will not be influenced by others. Rich person will not be influenced by what others do, act, think about them. People who have fulfilled Maslow needs will not be influenced by others. People with Complex Trauma issues, chronic anxiety and being hyperalerted will be influenced by others.
Borderliners, manipuators, narcissists, criminals and abusers wear masks and they appear good, nice, friendly and charmful. Social anxiety lets us see pass this cover up. Our anxiety is signal something is wrong with other people, not with us. Then CBT and therapy wants to calm us down and relinquish our ability to sniff out fake and dangerous people. In doing so, the blame is pointed to the victim. If someone feels off, they are. It is not our imagination. Nor over-sensitivity. Toxic people will never admit their wrongdoings either because they see themselves as saviours and good people, or that they are not aware they are toxic.
Feeling anxiety also makes us ego-centric, self centered and we appear as victims, as if we victimize ourselves, which manipulators will use as a proof for them that we have some evil agenda. It is not my fault to feel anxiety and it is a sign there is something wrong - however CBT, official therapy and people in general make it as if it is something I have to get rid of without looking at other people, to seek if there is someone who is making me feel uncomfortable.
I do not have to correct my anxiety - it is reaction to something, it is being in hyperalert state - possible due to triggers and flashbacks or perhaps devil on my shoulder, interpreting danger where there is none and being stuck in worry and guilt.
The only thing I have to correct is how I modify myself to fawn and place myself automatically in subservience. The only thing I have to pay attention is that I get stuck in rumination, thinking it will last forever, whatever is bothering me - and I don't change focus.
It will not look like fawn to me. It will not look like being stuck to me. That's what makes it tricky.
It will appear normal to me that I am embarrassed and that I must protect my ego. By shutting up and self-censorship, and/or by over-compensation.
I know now I have issue with external reference locus of control - I know that I have to believe in my self worth. Otherwise I will not know I need to change focus. Other people will be important to me when I don't know what I want. Manipulators will try to guilt trip me and try to doubt my values.
Dan Rather, TWITTER:
When in doubt. Be kind.
The traits include lack of remorse; lack of empathy; inability to accept
responsibility for actions; impulsivity; and pathological tendency toward lying.
When psychopaths commit crimes, it is likely that their acts are purposeful.
Diagnosing psychopathy
DK The Crime Book
Fact, TWITTER:
Try to distance yourself from people who put you down.
Con artists use the power of persuasion to swindle their victims. After
identifying a target, a fraudster will study them, researching their behavior and
talking with them to determine weaknesses. The con artist will then guide them
toward their scam, using flattery, fear, or the promise of wealth to gain the
subject’s trust and confidence.
Typically, the lies are laced with enough truth
to distract the victim and make the patter more believable. If the victim objects,
the swindler may play on their emotions to gain sympathy. The goal is to lie,
cheat, and fool people with empty promises.
Many successful con artists exhibit the same three traits—psychopathy,
narcissism, and machiavellianism—known collectively as the “Dark Triad.”
The power of persuasion
DK The Crime Book
The psychology of lying
In his book The Honest Truth About Dishonesty, Dr. Dan Ariely, a cognitive
psychologist and behavioral economist at Duke University, North Carolina,
proposes that the likelihood of an individual being dishonest increases when
they: (1) can rationalize the lie; (2) have a conflict of interest; (3) have lied
about the matter in the past; (4) observe others behaving dishonestly; (5)
belong to a culture or subculture where dishonesty is normalized; (6) know
others will benefit from their deceit; (7) are highly creative and imaginative;
and (8) are tired or stressed.
In the case of Jérôme Kerviel, the first six factors certainly apply, while the
last two are possible. Brain imaging has shown that lying and repeated
deception reduces activity in the amygdala, the area of the brain where
emotional responses are processed. This reduction can limit the feelings of
shame or guilt that are often associated with lying, making it easier to continue
lying.
DK The Crime Book
(28.12.2021)
It is said "symptoms of PTSD include flashbacks and nightmares, lethargy, detachment, anxiety and anger". Also, it is said that identifying emotions helps in emotional regulation. When these two are put together, I would say that people with trauma will be misdiagnosed and their emotions will be labeled in the wrong way. Procrastination is usually the first label to define someone who is stuck. Brain injury makes brain to focus on the danger (perceived and real), intrusive worry that is actually imposed guilt (another mislabeled emotion). So when I diagnose myself with procrastination I will feel more stuck - since it doesn't help. If I am aware that what I am going through is lethargy due to trauma and being in contact with abnormal people - then it is easier for me to constrict fear, anxiety and panic to particular incident and particular time and particular person - instead of overgeneralizing it, as if it is procrastination. If I can pinpoint having guilt over nothing, over nothing that I did and that I did nothing wrong then I can easily reject the guilt and start moving. I can shift my focus easier instead of being trapped in worry loop, trying to resolve the unsolvable, trying to find perfect way that no one will blame or attack or criticize.
The idea behind knowing what to do when I am scared and panicked is that when I am experiencing uncomfortable emotions due to amygdala hijacking and emotional dysregulation - I am guided by guilt and irrationality. I know that if I want perfect guidance and correct narrative and the best steps that this is pureOCD and it is unreal and it will lead me to ritual. I am talking about general instruction. For example, to cut contact or minimize it when I recognize someone is narcissist or borderliner - as oppose to fawn to them and seek their validation.
Complex Trauma information, as oppose to social anxiety information gave me concrete steps that explain what is going on and what I have to focus on, as oppose to being watchdog over my panic symptoms. I am aware that I have to dig myself out of the shit with golden shovel - is paradox. Since due to dualism, I have to be confident in myself to deal with anything, which presumes it must be easy, however when faced with any task - I need to invest my time, brain, energy and money into solving it. It won't go on its own or by ignoring it. The solution has to be easy and complex in the same time - the same as it is the problem itself.
Constant search for perfect narrative and correct actions and perfect solutions is what makes up hyperalertness and hypervigilance. Instead I see values and what I know is worth as guiding light, even when others do not approve it. Therefore it would be fair to acknowledge other people when they are stubborn and irrational to others, when they refuse to cooperate - and thus they appear as dangerous to me.
Being traumatized, thinking it is some general fear or labeling it as social anxiety - all comes down to be chronically worried. My goal instead of lowering fear or social anxiety would be much productive is it is focued on this chronic worry, as seen in Polyvagal Theory. Without being aware of this constant hyper-vigilance and hyper-alertness, to me it seems as if I am fighting fears and anxiety. I focus on symptoms and little things and anything that triggers me - and these things keep me in loop of worry without being aware I am hyper-alerted. I end up without living, without leading natural reactions and following my gut and instinct. Instead I am focused on worry, fear and anxiety - and that is unhealthy. Goal would be to be at peace. Polyvagal theory describes it as: Calmness in connection, Settled, Groudedness, Curiosity/Openness, Compassionate, Mindful/in the present.
Also, trying to appear as the best version is attempt to reach groudedness - but it does the opposite, it creates chronic worry. It appears as an attempt to be better, to work on myself, to reach higher etc but it really sends me the message that I am inept. And in the end it comes down to living my life, instead of trying to control it by fixing things that does not need any fix at all.
This leads to double binding. If I do not try to change things that doesn't work - I will be stuck with things that doesn't work. If however I try to change things that doesn't work - I may end up wasting time and energy on things I can't control. In both cases I end up with chronic worry. This is why I see as irrational guilt as the only culprit of disorder here.
Behind every fear is guilt. Behind chronic worry is guilt. Making mistakes - I feel guilty for not being perfect. Someone criticizes me, I feel guilty for disappointing that person and that it is my fault and my blame for everything without court, jury or evidence. At the surface it seems as fear, but it is irrational guilt actually, taking the blame because I do not know what I want - since I put self worth in other people's hands.
And believing in this imposed and implanted guilt I see other people as competent and better and superior automatically, without evidence to support this belief. Thus I attract bullies and exploiters. External factor who will gladly make drama and accuse me of something to feel blame over.
CHILDHOOD TRAUMA TRIGGERS/HOW TO MANAGE HEAVY EMOTIONS/LISA ROMANO
https://youtu.be/u7MfbH1zzl4
give you platform to express yourself. Be there for you, helping you regulate your emotions.
In home where this is not reality – your emotions are not validated, mocked. Neglect. Living through you – narcissistic, being extension of them. Expected to be most beautiful, best, whatever it is. Make you feel you are thing, you are there just to please them.
I did not know how to regulate my emotions. How to make myself feel better. People in my life did not have empathy and did not have life skills to help me regulate as child, and here I was attracting the same type of persons in my life.
My sense of self was reliant on how other people view me. I felt need to be needed, that gave me sense of purpose. I was attracting people who needed to be fixed, i was perfect enabler. I was peace keeper. Sat back in room and sense what people needed and jump i didn't felt worthy enough i was reliant to them to make me feel i have a sense of purpose. I was reliant on validation. If i did not have validation, i felt i had no purpose. Fawning and chasing people approval was a way to keep shame monster away, very dysfunctional, attracting people self focused, where I was other focused.
Codependent have no sense of self. You were never taught that self you were was valid. Self was mocked, neglected, criticized, devalued, marginalized. How to develop healthy boundary in a home where there are no boundaries. You never learned self you were have boundaries. What kind of life is being triggered, walking on egg shelves. It is not life of autonomy. We have to make decision at one point in our life to try regulate our emotions.
React to heavy emotions.
There are people in society there is nothing wrong with lashing out. Not interested in managing emotions like Narcissist. There are people in society that think there is anything wrong devaluing people and reacting angrily. They think the person deserved it.
When i have cptds response it is like cotton in head, arrested in time. I learned become aware of feelings i feel when I was triggered. Having full blown to what has happened, become aware something has shifted, become aware amygdala is activated, emotions tied to old memory. Just aware – this is first step. Observe – face hot, breathing, sweat. Call out symptoms of this trigger, body is responding to fight flight response, lymbic nervous system over activated. Your job is to observe consequences. Sit with, be one with emotions you want to react to. Learn to say my body is experiencing this physical sensations but it is ok. Observing what i feel – people find it hard to observe, call it out, sit how they feel. But this is step that is changing your life. Chemical body tries to take over. All that does is keep us stuck. Learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions will absolutely change your life. Delayed gratification – i will not resist what I feel. We learnt to be non resistant to what i feel, learn not to push what i feel. Not run away what i feel. Sit with what i feel. We recognize we are not our feelings, we are observers of our feelings, we are observer of our bodily sensations. Become emotional Sherlock Holmes – identify what happened to me, who were people involved, how i feel, when i feel in the past. Most of our triggers are in the past. Record of the past. When we suffer from cptds someone can look us at a way we feel manipulation, this is reactivity. This is how we lose our sense of control , we are giving our power away to external experience. Process what happened. What lead to that trigger. How my body respond – label it, write it in journal. Ears, brain fog, confused, shut down. Identify how trigger react in your body. What automatically by default happen in your body. If you are highly reactive to accusing someone - reacting in fawning, spending money, fighting, unless you see what happens to you will not be able to fix it. Self inquiry questions become self aware. Narcissist will find way to kick you when you are down. You have natural response to what is happening escalated due to childhood trauma. Decide what to do about it. Do i need to set boundary, conversation, am i done. Critical thinking comes in. To decide what is best to you. When it comes to toxic relationship – set boundary, accept it or leave it. Set boundary – meet at half way, be fair, hoping partner will change. Wait if partner is able to change. Has capability to change. Become critical rational thinker versus highly reactive.
We rely to something external to make us feel good enough. We rely on others to make us feel better.
Someone taking advantage of their vulnerabilities they know you seek their approval this toxic person will deliberately withhold information to make mind game with you. May trigger trauma, reinforce trauma bond, the fear you are the reason this person is hurting you. You are the reason that this person shut down. You are the reason this person is stone walling you. Codependent will panic, figure how to fawn, rescue, end up enabling very toxic relationship. Cut any ties we have with experience and belief system we need something outside. Rely on things outside of us to sooth us. We can take care of ourselves. I will not fawn, subject my needs to someone emotionally exploitative. I will take care of myself. Decide what makes you feel better. Ability to ask yourself the right questions. We are afraid of mocked, criticized, we are afraid of being abandoned, so wounded in childhood we pretend it doesn't exist but still react, we develop to rejection, we develop codependency.
Psychology, TWITTER:
Psychology says - staying quiet doesn’t mean you've got nothing to say. It means you don’t think they're ready to hear your thoughts.
Gurdeep Pandher of the Yukon, TWITTER:
If there were no darkness, we would not even know how light looks like.
When we blame ourselves we often take a skewed view of our behaviour and ourselves. We start organizing all the information we have about ourselves around very detailed negative beliefs that become more and more entrenched.
People have disagreements but still like and care for each other.
Maybe you've been building up resentment without finding out what the other person thinks and feels.
Asking people what exactly they would like you to do.
IMPROVING SOCIAL CONFIDENCE and reducing shyness, Lynne Henderson
CPTSD Foundation, TWITTER:
MYELIN REPAIR, AND A CURE FOR MENTAL ILLNESS
Research has found that people living with the effects of CPTSD have brain regions with distorted sizes. This is causally related to the stress hormones released by the body when confronted with trauma.
Researchers have known for over a decade that people living with the effects of CPTSD and other trauma-related disorders have brain regions that have different volumes than they should. This problem is causally related to stress hormones such as cortisol that make the body ready for the fight/flight/freeze response when the child is confronted with trauma.
Cortisol alone has a major impact on several brain regions,2 and it is important to understand it to comprehend what happens to the brain under extreme and repeated stress.
Cortisol a hormone secreted as part of the stress response in mammals. Created in the adrenal glands, cortisol communicates to the cells of the human body through cortisol receptors found throughout it and is regulated by the hypothalamus, the pituitary gland, and the adrenal gland. The combination of these glands is often referred to as the HPA Axis.
Normally, cortisol regulates blood sugar levels, regulates metabolism, reduces inflammation, and helps us form memories. It also aids in the control of the salt and water balance and helps control blood pressure. In short, cortisol is crucial to protect our overall health.3
When a child is confronted with trauma, their body responds in numerous ways including the release of cortisol. Under normal situations, once the danger has passed the cortisol level will return to baseline (a normal state). However, when a child experiences extreme and repeated abuse or neglect, the level of cortisol in their blood never has the chance to return to baseline.
The effect on the brain from a constant bombardment by cortisol and other stress hormones is disastrous as the inflammation set up by the never-ending barrage of hormones damages or destroys vital regions of the brain.
One vital region damaged by cortisol is the myelin sheaths that offer insulation and protection to the “wiring” in the corpus callosum. Myelin is vital for brain cells to connect and speak to one another and for the two hemispheres of the brain to “talk”. Myelin acts as an insulator, like that of an electrical appliance in your home. If you have a frayed or damaged cord on your appliance, the insulation is broken, and you have a short. The appliance may work sometimes, or maybe not, but either way the appliance will not function properly. The same is true of myelin in your brain. If it is damaged by stress hormones or inflammation from another source, the brain cannot have good connections and experiences a biological short.
Inflammation, Myelin Repair, and a Cure for Mental Illness .
(31.12.2021)
It looks and sounds strange that instead of fear it is the irrational guilt that is culprit of all distortion. This is because it is hidden. When I do the right thing, when I confront and engage in conflict, when I speak the truth and when I feel honest - I will feel guilt. That is why guilt is used as hypnotic tool - because it is transparent. It appears as fear - something that is unknown, the source is unknown and there is ambiguity, there is dark. Being authentic and honest, simply by disagreeing with someone - is often seen as attack from others. As if I am fully attacking them. They experience cognitive dissonance, their belief system is challenged and it is painful to them and they easily can mislabel it as attack on their persona and who they are. This is connected with social anxiety and fear from criticism.
This is why I have to realize people do not hate me when it seems to me that they do hate me. This is why I have to filter out people - to see whom am I dealing with. Sometimes people are toxic and they are manipulators and narcissists and they have no empathy because they are sick in the head. Sometimes they are rude because they are ego-centric, spolied children trapped in adult man's body - they are rude because they are not developed, not because they are psychopaths. And sometimes people are not rude, but they appear rude to me due to Complex Trauma triggers and flashbacks. Without making these distinctions I will glue anxiety into one giant event and I will fear all people. And I may avoid all people as if they are all to get me. I do not see myself on par with others. That is not way to live, walking on egg shelves and being triggered without actual threat and danger.
This is social anxiety - being unable to perceive multidimensional angles, yet in the same time feeling anxiety from multidimensional sources. I need to align anxiety with those many angles from which the fear and guilt and shame and perceived danger is coming from.
I can get unstuck, shift my focus from guilt and worry by knowing what I like, what I want, what I am. Thinking I am inept, cultivating internalized toxic shame, dismissing my thoughts and ideas as irrelevant, weird and unaccepted by general public - is making me stuck.
When I am making my point, I am aware I have to respond to multipe dimensions from multiple angles, that usually the other side is blind of to perceive. Also it is crucial to think what will other person say as response and address this immediately, because usually there is no use in further argument, as the other person needs some time to ponder over new and different information then they were exposed up until now due to ego-centrism and thus cognitive dissonance. Most often the other person will engage in Ad hominem, so it is clear enough to say as Andrei Tarkovsky said to them as pre-emptive strike:
"but we are judged by people who don’t want to understand the work as a whole or even to look at it. Instead they isolate individual fragments and details, clutching to them and trying to prove that there is some special, main point in them."
by making whatever weird thing pops into our heads. All of you have the ability inside of you to be a groundbreaker.
LEGO MOVIE (2014)
You don't have to be the bad guy. You are the most talented, the most interesting and the most extraordinary person in the universe. And you are capable of amazing things because you are the special. And so am I. And so is everyone.
LEGO MOVIE (2014)
Jan | B2B Sales, TWITTER:
You don't lack ideas.
You lack execution.
Do Movies Cause Social Anxiety? ✌ Strong reaction to someone rude ✌ The Agreeableness Theory ✌Managing Social Anxiety and Toxic Shame ✌ Navigating through social anxiety ✌
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