CPTSD will control you, its going to dictate that you will be cut off from your own life. There is a way to calm your triggers and re-regulate so you don't have to avoid anything. Do one small thing a day, then more changes follow naturally like dominoes.
YT How COVERT AVOIDANCE Makes Your Life EMPTY
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Emotional Hijacking
as Goleman’s work shows, amygdala hijackings are intense reactions in the emotional memory part of the brain that override the rational brain. These reactions occur in the brains of people who have been triggered into a 4F reaction so often, that minor events can now trigger them into a panicky state.
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker
During amygdala hijack, the person may not be able to develop a rational response. Signs and symptoms of amygdala hijack include a racing heartbeat, sweaty palms, and the inability to think clearly. People can try to prevent amygdala hijack by becoming more aware of how they respond to stress.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/arti...
In the past it was believed that information from your senses was analyzed by the thinking brain (cortex) first. Now with new scientific findings we know your perceptions, go directly to the emotional brain (amygdala) without passing through the thinking, decision-making brain first
https://www.authenticityassociates.co...
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Flowers |
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Classic FM music, classicNL |
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Exposure, active, activity |
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Movies, quality sit-coms |
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Cinema |
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Hiking |
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Museums, galleries |
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Grocery shopping - Muller, Aldi quality like stores |
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Bicycle ride |
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Beach, lake |
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Sketching |
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You tube videos - education |
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Books, comic books, mags reading |
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Rugby watching |
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Cleaning |
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Jogging |
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Wearing tie |
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Vitamins, orange and lemon juice |
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Be authentic (Zoroastrianism), not self-sensor |
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Others do not hate me. |
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Driving a car is suppose to be pleasant experience. |
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Alarm and alert (or door-slam). No self-censorship |
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I know what to say and how to react, just say it, keep saying. |
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Ice cream |
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Toast, chocolate |
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Seagull sounds soundtrack |
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You don't have to chase every stick your brain throws at you |
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Let it go |
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Filling the dark hole in consciousnesses with love |
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Step back and look objectively |
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I want to hear you out but that doesn't mean I obey it |
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Minimize and remove codependency |
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Zoom out |
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I can never know for sure, copy paste mentality is false |
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Accept this as part of the process for getting better |
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Everything is ok. You are safe now. I am not in danger |
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I am encouraged to make mistake, to test how others react |
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colors (led) |
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My ultimate core fears, phobias are extremely rare real life events, statistically low, not happening 24/7, every time |
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What people think about you does not determine your destiny |
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It is freeing when you understand you have nothing to prove |
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How many times we trying to prove something and person is not even paying attention |
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It takes pressure to live in proving mode. You prove once, it comes back again for more |
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personal attack is very rare occurrence |
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most of it is really inside my head, imagined or miscommunication, and in fact other people's deviations |
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If you judge people, you have no time to love them |
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Others will never understand us. They cannot travel back in time and experience arrested development |
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When I am triggered I go through Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde persona change and I am not aware of emotional hijacking |
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When I am triggered I go to grunge mode and everyone is irritating, I see through negative prism and prophesize only the worse will happen, reverse this quickly as possible |
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Voltaire said whatever happens it is important to stay and be in a good mood |
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Feeling irritating and depressive is ego-centric thinking, it is childish and it is signal I hold wrong, incorrect beliefs |
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When I am triggered, if I get ideas of being taken advantage and I must go on Crusade - I am being hysterical, I need to calm down, any thought is product of need to control others |
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We need to normalize being disliked |
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You don't expect perfection and being liked all the time by everyone from the other people |
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This is not dread, this is challenge |
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Being toxic is easy to recognize in other people but it is almost impossible to recognize in ourselves. |
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I didn't even realize that a lot of the things I was experiencing that were byproducts of trauma or actually trauma responses |
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However you are reacting under circumstances it is normal. |
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Fight mode stress response – continually argumentative, or controlling or expecting things to be perfect from other people or acting we are always right or above reproach. |
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Just because you feel it, doesn't mean it's true. Just because you think it, doesn't mean it's accurate. |
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Question yourself: is this though factual? |
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Expectation. Looking forward to some small act very soon |
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When you are dysregulaled and c-ptsd has hold of your thinking, you're never in charge of what you are thinking about. |
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very quickly your mind is wondering. Usually it goes inside to fearful resentful thoughts. What does she mean by that. |
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It limit your happiness, limit your effectiveness participation in life |
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It's all good to talk about trauma sometimes, but it's just when it goes on and on it can be fruitless |
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Don't use isolation to control your triggers. Learn to control your triggers whether you are around people or not. That's your freedom. |
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If you know you can control your triggers, you're going to find very quickly that you have true social mobility. if it starts to just get totally awful for you, you know what to do - take pen and paper |
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Don't try to make other people control your triggers for you. Don't give them that power. What you want to do instead is you control your triggers. And then you have freedom to hang out with anybody you like. |
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it seems other people are causing triggers. You make someone else responsible for your trigger. it is c-ptsd, it is not actually caused by the other person. |
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Don't say you owe me to call. It doesn't work. It is attempt to control other people. |
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when you have ptsd it seems other people are causing triggers. You make someone else responsible for your trigger. |
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It's not that they are not going to call, it's going to be something else. Good loving people doesn't want to get into trouble for being who they are. Nobody wants to be criticized for who they are. |
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When I'm dysregulated, I can't remember anything |
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We see people more complex than that, we see people more as human even if they are jerks. It doesn't create such a charge. |
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We didnt get what is going with their kids, and we project that need onto others. We often want omnipotence from people, that ability. Why you ask me when you know..? mind reading |
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We become resentful when it doesn't play out. We want these people to read our minds. |
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Having someone being mad at you, being misunderstood. This is where we ruminate what we did, why is that person mad, how we get them to change their mind at us, how do we state our case with them? How do we get through to them? |
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Bus driver frustrated you have no cash, coworker frustrated you take time off, upset. Growing up in abuse, it was not safe someone being mad at us. Worrying someone being mad us will take over, it is like shame attack. |
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Healing this is to reclaim the ability to be misunderstood. |
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Adult part can parent the child on difference between being terrified, mad at you, to difference of grumpy coworker being frustrated real or imagined. Our parents didn't see us as children. |
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Toxic parents see their kids as selfish adults who are making choices at their expense, which is super messed up. |
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It is humanly impossible to not have others be frustrated at us or mad at us from time to time, right or wrong. It's very freeing to allow someone to be grumpy or even sort of toxic and not take it in. |
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Let other people feel their feelings even if it is about us, but that was not safe when growing up. |
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Imagine the ability to be like “Oh, my coworker's a little bit pissed at me. I get it. They were frustrated. They had to pick up my slack. It'll pass or we'll work it out” |
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We are hypervigilent about disappointing people. People not telling us what is going on with them and later blowing up at us. |
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Wounded inner children feel responsible for it and they'll ruminate about what could have been done or about what they're not telling us, or what the person isn't sort telling us. This is rooted in shame and vigilance, adjusting constantly to toxic adults. |
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Inconsistent parenting, inconsistent moods, inconsistent care for people. We are super tuned in other people's moods potentially for those reasons growing up. |
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It doesn't always mean that something really bad is about to happen when other people are feeling their feelings. |
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Validate as child you did have to know what others are feeling in order to keep yourself safe and to keep yourself afloat. |
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Validate as child you did have to know what others are feeling in order to keep yourself safe and to keep yourself afloat. |
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due to our trauma, we rely too heavily on external confirmation that we're okay than rather developing it from within |
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Feedback. Positive, negative neutral – all can be triggering in weird way. |
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Can be devastating, we take it too seriously. We think people have no right to criticize us, they don't know us. |
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I just realized the way we sometimes expect people to read our minds because our parents didn’t attune to us appropriately, our parents expected US to read their minds and attune to them - probably due to their own traumas. |
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my thought police is on all day every day I judge people for not being nice all the time |
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Trigger is over the top reaction to something in the present. |
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Know what your trigger are, what upset you. Know they come from childhood. How present is different from past, separate past from present. |
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We forget good attributes of ourselves, others. Black and white thinking, always, never, only one outcome. Internet, compulsive obsessive behavior. Righteousness, making moral judgements. |
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Changes in language – over-explain, overapologetic. compulsive checking, seeking external worth from boss |
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Overlap is kate reacts in the present just as she did in childhood. That is her stuck place. Kate spends a lot of her emotional energy avoiding being shamed at all cost. That is charge from childhood that runs to present. |
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This is why it is important separating past and present to get clear. 80% is emotional charge from childhood abuse. |
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This trigger is about my mother freaking out on me all the time, it is not about Jill. She is just boss and can get annoying |
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As boss jill is actually who is slightly disorganized and rushes. Kate doesnt see that. She is nice but tends to get cranky. Jill also doesn't see that. Most importantly, Jill can get triggered too. We tend to think it is only us. |
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Present peace means it is all manageable, non threatening and annoying quirks. But often being triggered is not a choice. |
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When you notice you get triggered. Ask: does this present situation remind me of something from growing up? Does the person i'm triggered by remind me of? (caretakers). What do i do when i am upset, and why, does it have history or emotional function? |
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Know what your triggers are – judgement, real or imagined, blame – real or imagined, other's people negative moods. Know where they come from childhood – critical, moody parents. |
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had to be perfect to survive. Come to realization, jill is just my boss, i got this. |
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What would be healthy response to jill? Here it is. Response is diplomatic, professional, nothing to prove, grounded in truth |
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Write all characteristics that happened as kid, that laid down trigger. Parent angry punished, yelled. Now you worry how they will going to respond |
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Now I am grown. I can protect myself. Boundaries or leaving the situation. People in my life – i avoid alcoholics, i don't have alcoholic people in my life, i am safe. My home is calm. |
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Whenever you feel vague sense that you can't feel what is wrong, or you know you are afraid but it doesn't make sense to you – do exercise. use split sheet paper – fold it in half, at top write Then on right side Now think about situation you are afraid of, situation that is keep happening |
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Hypervigilance help pick cues that other usually miss. |
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Assertive - Wishing to create atmosphere of reason and logic, clarifying and enlightened form of interaction |
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True healing cannot happen until you are truly and objectively safe. |
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i started to think about triggers as injuries that files themselves into broad categories to guarantee my safety. |
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it make no sense to put myself to house arrest for the rest of my life just to make sure not get bitten |
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I was able to create new categories in my brain – safe dog situation and potential dangerous dog situation. Now my brain has no alarms to go off unnecessarily. |
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Triggers are simply injuries that interfere with your body healthy warning system. |
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Trigger provide you opportunity to heal by showing you where to look. |
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Often times that recognition alone about the difference of fear and present moment reality is enough for body to relax. |
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Talking about it reinforces it. Talking about strengthens the trigger. |
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Talking about is form of exposure therapy. You need more than that. Your brain does not know difference between telling and experience. |
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How you allow yourself to be treated |
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Gentle self respect, rather than self criticism |
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think thoughts i am quite comfortable with my preferences and my decisions as evidence by my internal calm and peace. Neither narcissist or codependent have that |
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If other people differ from me, i can handle that. |
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if someone is moody, its not my job to solve their moody problems, that's not my task that i need to undertake. |
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if i am not accepted, i can handle that, i can live with that. I have my own interior that i draw upon |
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i don't look to other individuals to make me feel good in the moment |
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hsp take shadow of people who haven't healed because we don't want to feel the pain of their wounding |
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things lift when we can see evidence that shame doesn't make sense for us but it may be their own |
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People dont shame you unless they have shame |
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Direct approach – what they've done and you are not happy with their behavior. |
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When others are moody i believe it involves me |
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I can be affected by other person tone |
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i put energy into not upsetting people |
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I get anxious how i sound and come across with others. |
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I assume others are talking or have talked about me in social situation. |
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Focused how other people are behaving |
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I think how to solve other people problems |
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I believe i am not acceptable the way i am i must present certain way to others |
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I think people are untrustworthy |
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I am overly careful about making mistakes |
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I've consistently felt that there is something wrong with me and i feel defective |
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I tend to get through things rather than fully experience and enjoy them |
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Being wrong or right means too much to me |
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I struggle with ambiguity – loose ends, things left up in the air, people not getting back to me |
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I can be overly focused on fairness |
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I can get upset when others don't read what is going on with me |
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After an intense conversation or situation, my feelings or thoughts catch up with me after a delay. I should have said that |
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I can be greatly affected by other people's moods. |
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Responsible for those moods or feel threatened and defensive |
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I can be reactive or deeply affected by criticism |
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My emotions and reactions can get in the way of my functioning or prevent me from being who i want to be. |
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One must acknowledge problems they face while not being identified by them |
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what happens when a person from a warm, trusting and supportive nuclear family, gets out in the cold, cruel and unforgiving world, where he/she is constantly surrounded by broken people, suffering from all kinds of traumas and disorders? |
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Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth; it's a shield |
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the inner critic and toxic shame create the perfect environment for emotional flashbacks to occur. |
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Unlike typical flashbacks experienced by people living with post-traumatic stress disorder, emotional flashbacks do not ordinarily have a visual factor |
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these types of flashbacks are, as the title suggests, is an emotionally charged response caused by stimuli in the present that causes the sufferer to “flash” to an abusive event of the past |
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These feelings states can include overwhelming fear, shame, alienation, rage, grief, and depression. They also include unnecessary triggering of our fight/flight instincts. |
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describing it help you to validate your experiences |
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toxic shame is an irrational feeling of self-loathing and worthlessness |
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It is these emotional memories that burst into our awareness when experiencing an emotional memory. |
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It is important to remember that all four reactions are not responses to current happenings but to something in the environment of the person that has reminded them of a traumatic event in the past. |
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To forestall or appease an attacker, a person may exhibit the fawn response. The person, when triggered by something in their environment that reminds them of the past, will suddenly become pleasing, helpful, and appealing. |
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when the growing child keeps experiencing receiving negative reactions rather than loving ones from a caregiver, they form an inner critic |
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The inner critic’s job is to attempt to rid the survivor of their perceived imperfections in the belief that doing so will cause others to love them. |
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the need to root out imperfections to gain love causes relationship problems with others and within themselves |
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because perfection isn’t possible for any human being, survivors find no matter how hard they try they cannot reach a level where they accept themselves with their flaws because, internally, they believe they can’t. |
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They MUST strive to reach a level of perfection where everyone will love them, and they will feel safe. |
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Emotional flashbacks are the external reactions to their silent partner, the inner critic. It is the messages flowing from inside that create the perfect storm for survivors to re-experience the fear |
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Children are helpless in the hands of uncaring adults. They cannot run away, they cannot fight back, and they cannot flee. |
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Two of the most effective ways to harness the inner critic are expressing the emotions meant for abusive caregivers in a safe environment and using positive imagery. |
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Rudeness is not superficial problem and it is far more reaching, deep and serious issue both in society and for individual than it appears on the surface. |
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I don't want to come of like I know everything. |
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Keep going. Things won't always be this overwhelming. |
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Panic attack is temporary and not dangerous. |
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As long as I was perfect, I'd be loved |
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It's incredible that I just realized the 2 yr old is running my life , so much makes sense |
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how to think differently when that trigger comes up in the present |
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Have better attitude, better thoughts about it when these things come up. |
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Conditioned in that system to be superior to people |
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Focused on disgust, when people drive on road – you felt that in childhood |
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Someone doesn't hold door for us – in that quick moment, people are complex, not all people are bad, we don't need to morally police people like in childhood, it is not necessary |
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Perhaps that person has something going on, maybe this person is going through breakout, childhood survivor, maybe he is jerk but we don't care any more |
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We are not at mercy of very thoughtless oblivious parent in life, you can roll off it off back |
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Saying no: Children believe it is not good thing |
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Does expecting people to read our minds actually work? |
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Having someone mad at you-Parents weaponized shame – the most toxic behaviour. |
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Feel that they have to be super stars, they wont be acceptable, people will be massively disappointed at us, that is not safe |
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We are adults now.We don't need to give toxic people the power to tell us who we are. |
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When someone is mad at us we don't have to take that in. that is idea from adult. Something to practice |
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We don't need people to understand us when we are in conflict. |
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i need to prove. Sometimes people don't want to hear it. We don't need to be understood. |
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We can embrace truth for ourselves. Its impossible to have people not get frustrated. |
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It will pass. It is part of human nature, it will get better when we talk about it, when we value relationship. |
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Other people's moods. When we grow up with shaming parents we are vigilant how are we making them feel. Other people's moods can drive us crazy and we are vigilant |
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Being shamed, told to be responsible for that mood. |
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Write down what inner child think and examine, is that true, is that fair, will it go like that. Journal doom fantasy. |
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Waiting and relying on external things for inward sense of security. Ambiguity |
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Recovery ideas: Visualize all dropped to ground, they don't matter. Letting something go. Waiting for date, job, mad at you or not. |
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Feedback. Recovery ideas: normalize. Positive does not always mean manipulation Compliments, We dismiss it, force myself to say thank you i appreciate, and not adding something. |
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Ask is this negative feedback warranted, could i make better. |
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Negative feedback doesn't have to define us. who care, you will not nail it every day |
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Simply say no because that doesn't feel good for me, no justifications, no need for them to understand |
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Hard for us Remembering dates appointments, details of conversation of people close because while conversation is happening i was internally evaluating whether i will give the right answer |
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Often makes us look like we don't listen, being forgetful. |
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No 1 tool: curiosity. |
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You need to be completely safe to heal |
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Made to feel you are done something wrong, be curious, is this me or my partner. |
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Did i do something wrong or being told i did something wrong when literally i haven't heard anyone |
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Relationship rights checklist. Childhood trauma leaves us in confusion what is ok in relationship. |
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When we can't define that ourselves, an abusive or intrusive partner will define that in a way that will benefit them and not allow you to put yourself first in relationship. |
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Curiosity Help you identify are you cause or someone is doing it to you. |
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The questions you ask yourself are what am i scared of right now. Is that real right now. Look external environment, no one is mad at me, nothing is wrong. |
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So then you can identify imagined threat that your body is holding to keep you safe just in case. |
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When you get curious about your fear curiosity allows you to realize fear keeps you blinded. Fear usually holds lies that feel like truth in your body, have so much emotional energy packed in them. |
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You can choose change based on reality you are aware of instead of lies fear is telling you. |
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Thoughts in our head tell us its all our fault, get curious about that too. |
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identify lies from childhood trauma |
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With this strategy focus on one trigger at time and be curious about it. Move from constant complex symptoms and fear to total freedom. |
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I realized that the body history holds so much emotional energy with lies make us believe things about ourselves that are not true. That keeps us stuck in trauma |
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I was caught in resentment i had no time |
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I begun seeing her as human being not through lens of all things i didn't get from her |
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I cannot overstate the importance of becoming aware of your inner self-commentary. With enough practice, #mindfulness eventually awakens your fighting spirit to resist the abusive refrains from your childhood, and replace them with thoughts that are self-supportive. |
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Along with curiosity, give yourself permission to reject any thought that doesn’t hold your healing interest as a relic of trauma that doesn’t belong |
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Therapy allowed me to internalize and mimic my therapists’ consistent and reliable stance of being on my side. This in turn led me to gravitate toward safer and more truly intimate friendships |
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Discontented with what he has |
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make reasonable use of all that comes |
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Say to yourself: “I am having a flashback.” |
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Remind yourself: “I feel afraid, but I am not in danger! |
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Own your right/need to have boundaries. |
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Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. |
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Remember, the flashback will pass as it has many times before. |
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Gently ask your body to Relax. |
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Resist the Inner Critic’s Catastrophizing. |
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Allow yourself to grieve. |
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Cultivate safe relationships |
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Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. |
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Figure out what you are flashing back to. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met. |
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Be patient with a slow recovery process. |
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Don’t beat yourself up for having a flashback. |
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Rewards that await you when you step outside comfort zone |
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You offer unsolicited advice about how others can improve their life. - control freak |
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All or nothing thinking, you only see only one right way to do something |
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Hard time with ambiguity – you want to know every possible detail about future events |
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Hard time with being ok not knowing something |
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hard time owning own mistakes. |
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You want to win all argument, last say in discussion |
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No empathy for those who make mistake. Considered stupid, lazy, lacking self discipline - control freak |
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When first meet others – chameleon, you are wear whatever mask to get them to like you and respect you |
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You keep score – you remember past wrong so you can use it against other as a way to manipulate them, you don't let go of wrongs |
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Being control freak ends up the opposite of what you are trying to accomplish. |
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Controlling breeds rebellion |
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You try to solve stress and anxiety by being in control but you are actually feeding your anxiety. You are making it worse. |
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Trigger fear – i got to do what they want, or they will be mad at me, people please |
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Develop curiosity – why am i triggered. What is going on inside me. Curiosity what tactict manipulation tools he using on my now, observe dynamics he try to create to control you. |
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Don't respond in anger, that make worse. |
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You have to get out of your limbic brain that was triggered, get back into your cortex and say what's going on here. |
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Get out of limbic brain, not reacting just to the control freak, but to be able to say to yourself is this wise course of action. If it is i got to do it regardless who gave me directive. That is such important skill to learn |
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You may find with some boss you have to draw line in sand. Say i wont do something illegal. |
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When in control freak mode stop and ask what is going on. Usually it is lie. |
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Stop and say that was true when i was child, but i've got different support system now. |
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What's the lie? How likely is that to happen. |
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What evidence do i have to support that? |
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to heal your shame. You have to start becoming authentic with safe people and let them know you |
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heal shame - Once you realize they don't judge you, they accept you, then you can release some control needs making sure nobody sees me |
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As you give up control, it will increase anxiety, fear |
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i get in situation and everything in me wants to get in control mode. But i have to surrender.i am not going to try to force my will here. |
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I will accept the circumstances i can't control and I'm going to let it go. |
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Being control freak is attempting to manage your outer world to soothe your inner world. that's called primary control |
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When they tell you about their problem, what's my part, what's their part. I have to stay in my lane |
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We don't have all answers. We can't handle every situation. God created us to be dependent being. |
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ideal self - if i was like this all my problems would be solved. Regardless what you do it will never be good enough for your brain. Shame sets up systems from prevent you ever escape shame |
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We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes |
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avoid isolating yourself |
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Triggers. Realize you are not that age now. |
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When in triggered limbic place, everything is distorted. Lies seem true. |
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Default settings, auto pilot, gravitate back to subconscious. Person with complex trauma that is unhealthy, negative, emotions negative, thinking distorted, avoid, fight flight |
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realizing it they will gravitate back to default settings without being aware, that is dangerous place, bad place without them knowing |
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Mindfulness, being observer of self, taking emotionally inventory where am i at. |
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Disconnecting from emotions. Emotions can be negative, that is dangerous, emotions are still happening, emotions be very negative, running their life, but they are cut off from that |
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default settings emotions negative without being aware of it. |
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Disconnect from emotions is putting yourself in danger |
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Complex trauma biggest damage it does in sense of identity. something wrong with me. They draw conclusion i am not good enough, i am not lovable. Produces core identity shame. |
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You are looking outside yourself to feel better to deal with shame without doing internally. This will never work. That is belief behind codependency. |
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Codependency develops in emotionally abusive environment with narcissist being abusive. Environment that is emotionally abusive and dishonest |
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Complex trauma is living in danger basically all the time. You are constantly in survival mode |
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What happens in survival mode is that you have to make your needs and your survival more important than the needs of others. So you put yourself in narcissistic place. |
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Complex trauma sets you up to become narcissist. |
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Narcissism is response to severe shame. That is too painful to live with so brain develops ways to get rid of that |
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Narcissism is brain doing everything possible to deny there is shame at all or overcompensate to feel there is no shame, try to disapprove there is no shame, |
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Co-narcisist – you are angry let me fix your problems, make all sacrifices to make sun of universe happy. That is codependency. |
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Deep down believe they are more important than other people. They expect to be recognized by you as being better than you. |
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They must never be wrong. They will never admit they are wrong. |
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try to control how other people think of them. |
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Narcissist can be sweetest nicest people in world 99% of time until they get what they want. They explode, hell to pay to anyone who cross them. Can act healthy until triggered |
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You often don't know a person is narcissist, until one of their triggers get triggered and then their true colors come out |
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Narcissist feel hurt when you didn't do anything. Cause they pick up hurt easily easily because of shame issues. |
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As soon as feel hurt, it is not their issues, it is yours, they think you are selfish, need mirror, constant reflection |
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covert narcissist, quiet, never put themselves out there, shy, seem depressed, hate themselves. That is co-narcissist. Please make everything about me, if i love you enough, sacrifice make world about me a little bit. |
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They say to narcissist exhibitionist, can i hang around you like moon and when you reflect on me |
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co-narcissist, Be there to fix other person both try to fix other person to get love and respect they always wanted |
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This is sick person refusing to look at his stuff. don't say no to narcissist until you have backbone to stick to it. |
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there is no simple recipe. this is going to be hardest journeys you are going to take |
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how to fix being codependent First step of change is becoming aware, becoming self aware, aware of your issues |
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Codependency is try to solve shame problem. It doesn't work. Real self, that is not good enough. You don't like how you interact with people. |
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You created third layer persona, your mask. If i was funnier, better body, smarter , people will like me. Those mask are there to hide real self. |
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Critic compares real self with ideal self constantly |
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Shame is system no way healing itself. |
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You'll never have healthy relationship unless authentic. If you are authentic person will find you |
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You have to figure out a way for you to start on regular basis – what am i feeling right now. |
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External referencing – constantly taking cues from others. If everyone is happy i'll be happy, take cues from others, become chameleon. Held hostage of emotions of others. |
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you are hostage to their mood, you cant feel better until their anger disappears. Moods of others control you and become your prison. That is sad part of codependency. |
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You need to face fear of abandonment. That you will be alone, that proves nobody loves me, i am unlovable. |
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people will keep treating you what you accept. Complex trauma leads to control issues |
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Dad angry he said it is your fault. You are to blame for their anger. |
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Dealing with codependency – learning to talk honestly. |
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You cant get healthy in unsafe environment. |
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You have to be ok with being alone. Codependency is trying to get somebody else to meet all your needs and give you life. No human being can do that. You have to begin able to meet your own needs, have relationship with others. |
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functional families experience pain but resolve it in healthy ways. |
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Learn from your triggers what is threatening to expose. Expose to heal so i am not threatened any more being exposed. |
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healthy relationship is dependent on a healthy internal world |
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Figure out what hole a trigger is threatening to expose |
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In unsafe environment if you are authentic, you get hurt. |
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i feel love so it must be love. Intensity in limbic brain – feelings are intense, that is how you process stuff. Instant gratification is what is all about. |
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These feelings wont be forever. I don't feel love so see you later, or abuse you, because i don't feel like it |
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Basing relationship on how you are feeling, that is what child does, wont lead to healthy consistent relationship. |
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Complex trauma is about distorted perceptions, take place in home with narcissist, everyone serve their emotion. |
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Limbic is resisting going with facts and not feeling. Limbic says i want to feel intense feeling of closeness, then we must have intimacy |
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Predators create feelings of intimacy even though they are fake. Cortex knows intimacy develops slowly gradually and doesn't always have feelings involved. |
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Healthy: See each other as equals. I don't look down, i respect you, this doesn't change my opinion of you. |
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Their limbic is telling them go fast, to pursue intense positive emotion and ignore cortex |
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Hardest thing is to stay in cortex when limbic is fueled by oxytocin. Realize when oxytocin is happening in your limbic brain |
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Practice of separating fact from fiction. Fantasy lies , denial types. Write it down, you can see more objectively how crazy, out of touch of reality |
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Deep-level recovery is also evidenced by you becoming gradually more relaxed in safe enough company. This in turn leads to an increased capacity to be more authentic and vulnerable in trustworthy relationships |
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Do I want to live in cage for the rest of my life? |
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Emotional pain lasts for 10 to 20 minutes, anything longer is actually self inflicted by over thinking, making things worse. |
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What have you been trying to build self confidence? |
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are they only triggering us without any agenda behind it? |
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I have to master this taking offense automatically. |
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I feel offended if I get criticized. I see it as embarrassment. |
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I feel used, exploited, taken advantage of. And that it will last forever. |
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Goal is to realize I am safe |
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Someone might look like trigger - this is similar to allergy to pollen |
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Being stoic to difficult people comes to price as reacting ashamed in situation that look similar to the original one. |
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The way I perceive others who are annoying is I prejudge them and reject them based on my disgust. |
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If they are not aggressive, unkind, violent - I must not reject them, I can try to listen to them. Interact with them. |
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I must therefore be strong and I must not be coward. I know this is fawn response, inferiority complex and people pleasing, being pushover, but I am not aware of this obeying imaginary audience and what would supposedly please them |
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Shame is obvious tool for manipulation. avoiding anything and follow imaginary Pied Piper |
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if we follow others automatically based on shaming emotions without facts, we are easily manipulated. |
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I put pressure and ideas what is expected of me. Then I block myself - I do not do, I am afraid to move. I stop |
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When I am in situations where I cannot avoid, I learned to people please. |
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if someone is obnoxious, rude or cross boundaries and ask too much, instead of being honest - I resort to people pleasing |
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I cannot stand other people's bad emotions so people pleasing is natural response to feeling inferior toward difficult and aggressive people. Triggers are making it worse, making everyone being critical as difficult and aggressive |
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I am not omnipotent, I cannot change other people. And it is not my task to change other people. I can let it go. I do not need to fix others |
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The truth is - if solution to long term problem was so simple and targeted, I would find it out long time ago. |
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I was programmed in childhood to take orders through yelling and hysteria |
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my primary concern is managing hurt and pain triggered by aggression from others |
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I go against my own will, while I have no idea what my will is at that moment, the only thing I must do is to appear pleasant and appealing for literally every taste and every single person out there |
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I expect pain and attack so I act on pre-emptive strike by filling in the blank what would please potential person out there or from the past experience what others criticized before |
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I seek outside myself to check myself. |
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when I am afraid I am focused on imagined threat. As when I meet someone annoying, difficult and aggressive, the focus is on this person only |
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I cannot go beyond than what I wear, how I appear. I know how to be kind, going to extreme and automatically saying yes to everyone is abnormal and unreasonable |
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Your anxiety is lying to you |
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It just doesn't matter |
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Change posture |
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Name 3 things around you - for grounding |
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Manage energy level |
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Trust my findings and uncomfortable feelings about others - I recognize bullshiters |
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Recognize when I am being antagonist - karen |
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It's ok to feel unsure. it's fine to not know. keep in mind that uncertainty doesn't last forever |
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There is no danger there. |
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Approach it more as conversation, not confrontation |
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If I feel compelled to do things, it removes choice and self esteem |
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find peace and inner harmony by courage being true self |
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not ashaming people who they are, stuck in resentment - let people off the hook - they are not responsible making me happy |
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25.1.2023 striking the pose in the street like in romantic pics |
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exotica - music or travel |
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17.7.2024 crafts, tools, shed |
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plants in house, plants in room |
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fashion designer |
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bracelet(s) |
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Release people who offended you |
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imagining planning having own lgbtq bar |
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