List what can I expect - What can I control in myself outside

 List what can I expect outside of my comfort zone and then separate it into what is:
EASY TO MODULATE | HARD TO CHANGE | IMPOSSIBLE

 

EASY	HARD	IMPOSSIBLE
I can expect unfairness	not to shut up if someone is loud	others snapping at us and telling us to shut up
Expect others snapping at us and telling us to shut up	When I feel threatened, being able to recognize once after I ask myself: Am I over-reacting?	I would feel ashamed just by being in this situation, feeling of embarrassment
When feeling threatened, I could ask myself is my existence threatened?	in stress I will see it all as one threat, I won't be able to discern it and realize I am under trauma response	feeling guilty for feeling guilty, especially if the other person would shame me and thus confirm my distorted guilt.
when I am not threatened yet I enforce protection by expecting	I do not do anything to calm down, I run on auto pilot	The others are problem, too. Their over-reactions
If I am not threatened, it is trigger from the past, so the attack I feel is imagined.	if it was real attack against me, it comes down to explain conflict calmly, with arguments, without fear, stress and pressure on self-censorship	I see loud people as superior
I constantly seek panacea, instead of surrender	I seek scapegoat so I accuse and jump to conclusions that I believe it will solve every problem magically just by blaming and finger pointing.	Other people's explanations also make a mess
what I can modulate is sorting out the good and bad. And move away from the bad.	If we speak up, we'd feel guilt.  It is our guilt that is holding us in mental prison.	Reality is obnoxious, people in immediate vicinity, random people are annoying, non coherent, non friendly
to deal with conflict is to listen what the other person is saying.	take other person's words as ultimate truth and command	In our flashbacks other people are dangerous, difficult, aggressive, psychopaths.
only our talk can snap them out of hypnosis, illusions and delusions they believe in	demand perfectionism	taking offense automatically is reaction to trauma, it hurts a lot
they interpret me as dangerous. If I am aware of this possibility, the natural skill would be to assure other(s) that I mean no harm to them.	to recognize if someone is joking, mocking thus it is not important	The Complex Trauma pain is shock and it lasts.
I focus on good people. Instead of being on auto pilot and serve loud and obnoxious people simply because they are angry, I can care instead for good people	mind games,  they are giving us puzzles for us to solve	Taking offense feels like all distortions becoming one giant explosion so it hurts
use my people pleasing leanings on good people instead	I focus instead on being leader, making new projects, proposals, propositions, ideas	taking offense involve the other person who I see as authority or similar to authority towards me, not necessarily boss type of authority
Real life is dull. That would make it easier to be more active, as it is not too difficult nor too smothering	think that feeling fear from someone abusive is abnormal and shameful, unnatural and that other people do not have it	I feel used, exploited, taken advantage of. And that it will last forever.
It is important to recognize bad people and then reject them	Inferiority complex is when other people words, comments I obey automatically	someone asks me something and I say yes immediately
understand other people who over-react, what they feel is the same as I do when triggered	I feel offended if I get criticized. I see it as embarrassment.	Someone might look like trigger - this is similar to allergy to pollen
I nag. I complain. And I blame as learned behaviour, automatically.	I nag to feel safe.	If other people seem angry, I feel nausea, toxic and disgus
Find and search for clues that I am safe	Goal is to realize I am safe	I must tolerate, withstand and hold on to other people's emotions and if I react, that would mean that I am weak
The way I perceive others who are annoying is I prejudge them and reject them based on my disgust.	filling up other people's expectations how I should respond, react and what is appropriate and what would potentially please them	how I should be perceived by bystanders, general public in my head
Shame is obvious tool for manipulation	by avoiding anything and follow imaginary Pied Piper	I put pressure and ideas what is expected of me. Then I block myself - I do not do, I am afraid to move. I stop
people pleasing is tool to control people with goal that everyone praise me	the outside person would want us to prove their point, to agree with their terms and they might label as as cognitive dissonance, stubborn and difficult	When I am in situations where I cannot avoid, I learned to people please.
I am not omnipotent, I cannot change other people. And it is not my task to change other people. I can let it go. I do not need to fix others	if someone is obnoxious, rude or cross boundaries and ask too much, instead of being honest - I resort to people pleasing	tool to avoid other people's anger toward I feel hopeless to defend against.
It is not my job to spend time, energy and resources to screaming people	I can look at criticism as a good thing not only to learn how to correct and where can I correct something, but also as being humble	When I lose confidence, I am easy to manipulate
Codependency is trying to make other people happy. I do not need to fix and make people happy	I think in negative tunnel vision distorted way that attacking this source, someone to blame, someone responsible would solve all problems	I follow reality at given basis, as presented, take it like it is, as they identify itself and I believe anything being told to me, especially if it is screamed at me
knowing what is out there, instead of me filling the blanks	attack attitude is solution to everything, This is also good example of allergy to pollen happening in real world.	my primary concern is managing hurt and pain triggered by aggression from others
I scapegoat. This means I actively search for one thing to take blame.	If someone prejudge me, this means that they have agenda behind it, probably that I must be silent towards them and not provoke them	I cannot control others to change and be normal human beings, but I can control to be humble and expect not to be understood and that it is not my job to convince anyone
to be good to ourselves, to take care of ourselves. This means, if someone accuse me that I am oversensitive - I should cut that person from being close to me	When someone is angry, deep down I believe I am better than them, and I expect to be recognized as better - by not attacking me	I can be wrong and make mistakes, no one can be perfect
By pouting I expect others to control them by avoiding them and silent treatment	someone ordering me, criticizing me, hating me - so I quit, I avoid, I hide	I force myself to do something to alleviate it (that I present myself as I think others would approve), I act as if under hypnosis, under command.
I force myself to be perfect so I check constantly what I should do and how should I appear.	I expect pain and attack so I act on pre-emptive strike by filling in the blank what would please potential person out there or from the past experience what others criticized before	I go against my own will, while I have no idea what my will is at that moment, the only thing I must do is to appear pleasant and appealing for literally every taste and every single person out there
I would remember from life experience that other people are far from being perfect themselves. Other people are far from being normal.	I imagine others to attract me and that others are focused on me closely	They watch my every move and me personally. They invest their time and energy in observing me in detail.
I avoid due to this belief of being potentially judged silently from afar. I can control very easily - by simply exposing	I force myself to be active instead of automatic hiding and avoiding	I seek outside myself to check myself.
when I am afraid I am focused on imagined threat. As when I meet someone annoying, difficult and aggressive, the focus is on this person only	I cannot go beyond than what I wear, how I appear. I know how to be kind, going to extreme and automatically saying yes to everyone is abnormal and unreasonable	it is not realistic to pick my decision based on someone who is loud and pushy, real or imagined
I don't recognize good times. Being humble, have gratitude, no expectations.	In any situation outside I seek for possible attack, look for any detail to prove aggressiveness	I already step in any situation outside triggered and I am not aware I am under complex trauma.
I will feel shy - hide	pre-emptive strategy of creating an environment where another person (authority or someone whom I depend for a help, service, resource) will not get mad, annoyed or enraged at me	Someone prying but in no intrusive way, so I am defenseless, they picking on my mistakes, fears
I will imagine what other people want to pre-emptive not bother them	I'll get irritated by others and judgemental over other people mistakes, shortcomings-seeing it as personal attack	To see myself as non important, amygdala makes ego defenses, as if I am important person. Also in fear mode - others are very important, too.
I feel overwhelming shame over mistake	I try to fix other people problems	name, label, pinpoint elephant in the room - voice it out
Overwhelming shame over appearance	I focus on details that might happen, worst case	avoid making mistakes, while I should have purposely mentality to accept mistakes and be willing to make mistakes deliberately
Overwhelming shame over rejecting, saying no	I get voice of shame, inner critic - how I look is dirty, bad, cheap, embarrassing	I see action to be taken as OCD, overthink and ruminate, but when done - I forget and reject it as worthless
gather all the data - and then improve what I can	Ambiguity - make me see other people as support, everyone is friend = dangerous	Expect other people lie sometimes, external reference, trauma bonding make me trust people too much about all
To be up, active, not hiding	I let my strict values and fusing thoughts automatically run my decisions and actions	I believe others feel the same anxiety and fears as I do so I avoid conflict in order not to hurt them, let myself be used, abused, exploited
I romanticize dire places, people, I imagine the present material as if it exists there, plenty - and they are not in reality	that I don't care about mocking, accept it as irrelevant, see it as stupid instead threat	that I perceive yelling as something I can tolerate, desentisize, yet not obey
I can't control it, I can change it - let it go, instead of resentment, grudge	When confronted - speak out, not self censor	I reveal too much too fast, I want sympathy, I do this unconsciously, it is not hard to stop talking, it is hard to recognize I am doing it
I imagine other person cares, knows all and worry like I do- they don't.	I shut up because I think other person cares, knows all and worry like I do.	I have to voice out the obvious -and truth will trigger the other person because they believe in delusion, hold grudge on lie, worry, their imagined fear.
Personal remarks - observing them as signal of toxic shaming, controlling the target	I blame myself easily for everything. Makes me easy target to gaslight and exploit.	Accepting the shame. Error, shortcoming, lack of knowledge. Reacting to shame - voicing elephant in the room
I interpret words as insult and attack because I see multiple levels	I must be aware I interpret words more deeply than intended	Let go of interpretation - asking them what they mean
I attach explanations of what bothers me - that are shortcuts, not true really -and then I panic	I got to realize that I attach mental shortcuts, overgeneralization	I got to realize that there is always more than one perspective, what I experience is my own, others differently
I see disagreement as painful, urge to fix it	I tend to stay stuck with words other say about me negatively even when not total aggression	I hold grudge for words other people say about me, cause me to trigger - can't see it as their fear of unknown, I see it as cunning plan to attack me
Urge to be right	Trying to prove my point	Being obsessed to prove I am right so others wont abandon me
I see it will be permanent	It seems forever	I see it as forever.
I start to think how I need to be in order to please other person, not authentic	To be artificial person to be accepted, to get privileges	In my mind I have to be certain way to receive protection, no anger, safety. safety mechanism
I expect not to make mistakes and I judge others	I cannot be perfect, I am not god. Make mistake deliberately	Being fine with making mistakes, triggered when being ashamed and criticized
That defense must be explosion or ignoring	Seeing defense as embarrassment	To feel guilt and shame when I speak back
hate will appear personal	I will take it personal	I will react in war or runaway
	Not being straight with people to spare them hurt

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