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1.1.2025
YT ""How I Overcame a Narcissistic Boss and Reclaimed My Power!""
Setting boundaries with toxic people means punishment.
In this case - reacting to psychopath would end up in being fired from the job or endless mobbing beforehand.
Narcissists come in package - their abuse.
usually they are in power positions where they can freely abuse other people without being punished for toxic activities like stealing someone's work.
If we live in poor country, if we have no alternative to find another source of income - our only way to survive is to fawn to abusers.
Fawning is not choice. IT is reflex and reaction to surviving.
The only boundary with narcissists is to break contact and leave and our goal in life should be that our finances do not depend on such toxic people - so we have to make long term carefully planned choices in life to make it so.
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3.1.2025
Your method is to remove fear.
Removing any emotion is horrible idea. Any psychologist will tell you that.
Emotions are not there to be suppressed or denied or destroyed - that is path to mental illness. Did you ever hear of Freud or Jung and their insight about emotions?
When we feel fear - it is a sign that we feel danger.
Your method is that we see all fear as imaginary. But in real life - there are predatory toxic dangerous personalities who are criminally insane and have hidden agenda to harm the target. Without fear - we would never see red flags and protect ourselves.
We need fear as signal that we need to examine given situation that frightens us.
Not to destroy the messenger itself.
Just like CBT - you are oversimplifying very complex topic of fear.
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He is making money on traumatized people. Just like any social anxiety "coach".
Sam Vaknin talked about this phenomena a lot.
We are such great target to exploit: we are kind, nice, silent, we do not protest - all due to social anxiety itself, fear of criticism
so anyone can come along, force us to believe their lies and quick analysis based on nothing - and we believe them. That is part of toxic shame which is social anxiety itself - that people like "coaches" do not understand - since they confuse their grammar school shyness with social anxiety - and then try to "cure" us with tools for their teen shyness and force us to believe in their misdiagnosis.
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A lot of people misdiagnose their unknown and vague and unrelated sensations with quick labels and bias. Then they try to cure and fix those false diagnosis - by creating more damage to themselves.
It is a process of self-pathologizing oneself.
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"I (sort of?) got over most of my social anxiety during high school, by realizing (and reminding myself), that other people probably only notice me as much as I notice them
So when I felt self conscious about something, I would think to myself “do I notice that about other people?” And usually the answer would be No. Meaning, they probably don’t see it (towards me) either!"
You actually got over shyness which you chose to label and self diagnose as "social anxiety".
Real, medical Social anxiety does NOT go away with realizations since it is part of bullying and mobbing and abuse - external factors such as poverty and not feeling safe around criminally insane psychopaths.
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"But I do notice a lot of things about people"
Then we come to the conclusion that most people deny, deflect and dissociate from reality -
while people who are awake and see reality of criminally insane people around - are labeled as crazy ones.
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Social anxiety is analogy of being trapped in toxic job filled with mobbing and being unable to quit due to no finances. So abuse is real.
What you describe on the other hand is shyness.
Shyness and social anxiety are not the same.
What CBT is doing is coercing traumatized and abused people to deny and dissociate from abuse and to get accustomed to abuse and criminally insane psychopaths.
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Spotlight effect is insulting to people how are target of bullying and mobbing.
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Desire to overcome social anxiety is an act of self abuse.
We blame ourselves for being targeted by predatory personalities and we believe that we will be stopped being abused if we self pathologize ourselves deep and long enough.
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Learn about narcissistic abuse - and you will learn that spotlight effect is rationalization which predatory personalities make to keep on abusing others.
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Exposure therapy will help only for shyness which most people mislabel as social anxiety.
For medical true social anxiety - exposure will solidify toxic shame.
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"Can't take the bus during rush hour, it puts me in a fight or flight state, same with the supermarket when it's busy (it's open late, so that's when I go there).
This'll sound like deflection but I promise it's not... I think the world's changed in bad ways, the social dynamics having gone from polite to more impersonal than it's ever been.
I've been thinking about moving away from the capital of my country, I'd rather deal with having to worry about a reputation in a small town than not meaning anything to the people who live around me."
Start by allowing yourself to be impersonal.
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YT "The Process in BPD.
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I see exposure therapy as -
being afraid of fire - so we need to desensitize ourselves to fire. BUT in the same time our skin and clothes are coated and all soaked in petrol and oil - so getting close to fire will lit us up and burn us severely.
Before we face the fire - we need to clean this highly flammable coating on and off from ourselves, we need to clean ourselves before exposure - otherwise exposure will create more damage.
Analogy of petrol/oil is internalized toxic shame, learned self blame, programmed guilt and shame, feeling obligation to serve angry people, feeling responsible for angry people being dysregulated and feeling shame for them being angry and trying to fix their mood swings feeling we are guilty for their distress even when we did not cause it at all.
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(4.1.2025)
Spotlight effect tells us that when people are aggressive and targeting us - that we are imagining it.
Why is this so hard to grasp?
Not only you -
myself included and all socially anxious people do not see toxic people, do not recognize red flags and then go along with CBT ideology that we are too sensitive and that other people are not toxic.
Our social anxiety - when we feel it - it is reaction to abusers and psychopaths. It is not our imagination, we are not being irrational as spotlight effect crap tries to convince us.
We are brainwashed by neurotypical society to deny our experiences and to self blame ourselves for feeling abused.
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I repeat -
no social anxiety means being criminally insane and abnormal due to lack of sympathy and empathy. Inability to realize how our behavior is affecting other people.
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Two quick notes:
" but it still makes a person inferior"
Toxic shame does this.
Internalized toxic shame due to complex trauma, ACE and ACoA is making us feel inferior. Not social anxiety itself.
Without social anxiety we would be like Diogenes in Ancient Greece - we would pee poop in public, sleep in a gutter like a dog and basically be a bum without hygienic habits not caring what other people think our smell.
We are struggling with toxic shame. Not social anxiety. CBT is forcing us to accept wrong explanations and then we try to cure and waste time and energy in wrong steps doing more damage in the process of trying to heal.
"We are often portrayed as the weird ones"
But by whom?
Normal, healthy, sane, friendly people do not shame others.
This is only done by psychopaths and abnormal sick people who have fake mask of sanity in public.
I repeat - normal healthy sane people would not judge someone who is nice, kind , quiet, afraid, panicked.
Only narcissists and sociopaths do this kind of shaming.
We are conditioned since ACoA ACE childhood to believe that angry judgmental people are our gods whom we must be afraid of and align with. This has to stop.
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(5.1.2025)
YT ""Mentality Shift." Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
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I took the BPD test at Resource Center - and the test showed that I have severe BPD.
I was expecting mild or low instead due to my social anxiety - and now I understand that social anxiety is actually avoidance of anger and expressing the bpd traits. I was masking it.
I was convinced that having no problems in relationship was making me non-bpd, but in reality I am isolated - so I have no arena to get symptoms come out of hiding and then I end up with wrong explanations about what is bugging me.
I relate to everything Kevin said in this episode in particular:
- You're not doing it just because it is a right thing to do – to be a good person. You're doing it – they'll se me as a good person.
- I am identifying as somebody who is worthless, I'm identifying as somebody who doesn't have value, I'm identifying as somebody who will be abandoned because who would approve of me,
- Changing your mentality how you identify, how you look at the world and what is your position in it, how you look at yourself that is 50 percent of getting better.
- you become obsessed with trying to fix everything. It's a control thing.
- That means understanding it is not so important that you beat your idea into their brain. And if you really want them – the reason is you feel invalid. And you don't feel good enough.
- I couldn't enjoy anything positive unless everybody else was ok. Vacation – partner said something negative about the flight and I should book another. I make everybody else's dissapointment in the world in their own world about themselves about their world about me. I take the accountability for it. It's really hard to feel good when you do that. Really hard to have enjoyment.
- not making other people's lives better so that they bless you with the ability to relax.
- My coworkers will criticize my work, boss tell me things I don't like, I know I'm not going to be appreciated, so I'm just not going to work. Or another one – I'm not getting into relationship, I'm going to be single forever because it's better that way.
💦
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