Managing Social Anxiety and Toxic Shame

Being scared, anxious, apprehensive every single day about people, tasks to do, about going out, obsessions, rumination, expecting the same etc all of that is a mental illness. So dealing with rumination is not something to turn away focus from and pretend it is not there. Manual over-ride is a catch 22 because solution to rumination itself is about thinking and thus worrying, it lies at contemplating what could be the best course of action (for example  The Triple Column Technique (CBT) ). Which actually leads to more fears (analysis paralysis), rumination leads to PureOCD (intrusive thoughts as both obsession and compulsion simultaneously) and yet without thinking you are not able to control it/manage it, and you surrender to the panic and consequently panic thinking, rushed decisions you regret later or make you locked hidden away. This is called Double Bind because whatever you do won't be correct and helpful. Social fears are fight and flight (and freeze) response mode activated. But it doesn't appear to us as sheer panic. It appears as normal, regular thought line process, perhaps as slight irritation or fears, something unknown yet terrifying. There are numerous resources explaining the uncomfortable physical symptoms as fight and flight mode, but it is explained in a wrong (misleading) way, as if we are living in a cave as cavemen and we simply get scared of large animal. The stress of adrenaline is hidden beneath worry so this not being able to recognize it is unhelpful to us. It helps to calm down the system and remember it will calm down on its own with time. But if you get explanation it is about some ancient response from early men, you do not get fight and flight response seriously, something that can be related to social fears, and thus advice about calming down is easily dismissed since it suggest deep breathing techniques as calming down. For me, getting calmed down is if I am explained what is going on exactly. For me, meditation and deep breathing techniques as explained by "official" medical advice gives me even more panic, since I am now  in deliberately calm environment as  suggested - for example alone in the room with soft music, and intrusive thoughts are now louder, and I have pressure to calm down, which ends up counter-productive feeling more stressed because I can't get calmed down at the press of a button.

Social anxiety trigger is shaming. Yet toxic shame is hidden beneath non stop complaining so it is hard to recognize it. This is the continuous pattern - not being able to recognize the issues that come up with social anxiety. If someone influence us through complaints, we take it as something normal or irritating, not as something serious that hurts inner wound and something that is directed, toxic shame that will trigger social anxiety symptoms. It appears as annoyance, or carries the energy of resentment toward the trigger source, feeling of being scared of something unknown.

If someone is complaining, if someone is rude - there is only one way to deal with it, call them out on their behaviour. This is hard and impossible due to shaming. If someone is rude, that is accepted as norm, and if you react you'll be labelled as too sensitive, the one who is attacking, the one who is reacting. The other solution for social anxiety is having attitude to face fears and ignore everything else, focusing only at my goal, ACT, ERP techniques, to expose yourself to fears. This is hard and impossible for certain level since it involves enduring the pain (without taking any counter-argument to cognitive distortions or being aware what is exactly going on), and every pain has its threshold to ignore. If narcissists test and see they got themselves easy target, they increase the nagging and complaining dosage in order to illicit the reaction they seek.

Social anxiety is the fear of criticism from others. It is known that wise, intelligent words from us (such as asking the right, correct and important questions) trigger narcissist to shame and bully and force you to shut up by ashaming you. If you are not aware their response is hurtful, you don't recognize their shaming tactics, and you may believe their stories and withdrawn and avoid and shut up. Their response can vary - it can be extreme and it also can be disguised as "regular" conversation and thus non recognizable as social anxiety trigger.

There is also a component of overestimation of danger. Some events and tasks to be done, do not include narcissists, yet we create possible worse case scenarios and this makes us scared to complete the tasks. The danger is to take too many precautions, as said Alfred Adler. The only logical solution is to push ourselves, go, and be active, be courageous.

Social anxiety is also about the spotlight effect, we overestimate how much others care about our negative actions. We are deluded by others being interested in us, since the pain of trigger (their nit-picking, criticism, complaining, slightly rude comments) seems very personal to us. This can create a lot of confusion from the other side, since our natural response is then personal, while the other side do not care at all. They easily can accuse us of taking things personally, while not being aware the initiation came from their side and what they've done or said was very personal.

Therefore, social anxiety's fight or fight mode is making us scared and we get blocked by fears. It is hard to make decisions when scared. The intelligent way of handling too much information is in prioritizing tasks, the same way as pilot needs to check all indicators and decide which are important in certain moment as oppose to a car driver with only one or two indicators. If there is some task to be done, you put emotions aside and focus on the task. This reaction is also advice by "official" articles about anxiety and intrusive thoughts. However, it is not helpful in the long run, because it enforces low self esteem of not handling the pain underneath.

Education is important due to recognizing what is going on and so that we can know which indicator is being triggered and how to balance it back to regular mode if there imbalance occurs. Without information we would not know psychological safety as a term. We could not place our goals to align with psychological safety. Neither we would know there are boundaries that we can protect ourselves if we feel unsafe. Someone aggressive (narcissist) would like us to be without knowledge of our rights to safety, respect and kind interaction. Then, they would play with us as cat plays with a ball of string, we are very easy target for abuse and they are happy they abuse us any way they like, since our defenses are either non existent or they are misaligned, rustic or defunct.

So it would be beneficial to know how it works. And since childhood, I always felt that I must know the rules and function underneath before engaging in anything. Without knowing, I would not engage into unknown activity, or feel significant distress if I did. And to make things complex, this need to know the rules irritates certain people. I guess those people who are fake, narcissists, toxic and those who pretend to know it all, my questions and interrogation of process would expose them as incompetent. Then rude reactions from them triggers new set of shame and uncomfortable feelings. This appears as an uncomfortable feeling inside. It is fight and flight response, but it doesn't feel like that. It feels as something from childhood, not as something that is explained in medical books or articles. Becoming aware what it really is helps. But no matter what information is written about fears, in reality, the anxiety/fear doesn't feel like described in any text available. So I can't make connection with my uncomfortable feelings once they are triggered with a method proposed of calming down. The importance of calming down is that I have some 20 minutes before uncomfortable feeling blows into long term damage that is hard to subdue later.

The level of stress, to make things complex, the depth of stress can be misleading. It is subjective. It can be over-reacting. I can create paranoia by my explanations of uncomfortable feelings. I can mimic allergic reaction and bring unnecessary responses, decisions, talk, actions that are actually inappropriate and totally wrong, based on delusion which appears real danger to me. But in reality it is not at all.

Uncomfortable feelings behind social anxiety are triggered by rude people - therefore they are not recognized as stress hormone rushing inside, and the feelings of fear are not recognized as thoughts. This "not recognized" phenomena is very important. The more I am able to recognize, to correctly and objectively describe what is going on that bothers me, I can make the correct steps and decisions which will not hurt me later on. Education and recognition has its back side and that is labeling. It is easy to label a certain aspect only later to realize it was either something else or it came in shades of gray instead of being either black or white. It is also to become slave to a label and to act in accordance of something although it does not present full image, yet only a pixel. The uncomfortable feelings for social anxiety are always an extension of thoughts and physical uncomfortable symptoms such as disgust, stressed heart beats, trembling.

When I am afraid, I identify with my thoughts. Due to fight and flight I do not make the distinction, and this is not explained in text about fight and flight mode. Therefore I am not aware that I have cognitive distortion in form of emotional reasoning and personalization, believing what I feel, that this is who I am. I identify with my thoughts which are a lie. And although I might be aware of this, having lies, I still do. These intrusive thoughts are PureOCD, and it is chemical, it is irregularity in brain. So therefore it can't be stopped. In fact, trying to stop it, makes them worse and stronger. Yet it is good to be educated and know what is going on. What would happen if I sit back and observe, for example toxic people yelling and criticizing me, telling me what I did wrong, something that I am afraid to do, something that I cannot defend against. From experience, in time this grows in low self esteem and low confidence, believing I am not competent to handle it. Being aware does not stop it but it helps in a way to understand what is going on instead of being in position as witness to chaos and randomness.

It helps in a way to know that maladaptive thinking patterns such as taking things personally protect me from pain, that they have served a purpose in times when I was not educated and I could not explain what is going on when someone is aggressive towards me and shameful. Social anxiety is when it bothers me to experience both their negative and shameful reactions, their critics, opinions, my fears of not being able to do something, stumbling when scared and making mistakes, being ashamed for mistakes especially for doing something for the first time and physical symptoms.

Problem is not only a narrative I tell myself. It is small thoughts that come up. They pop up as fearful, catastrophic, shameful and intrusive but appear as regular thought line. It pops up and I do not recognize it as fake. These flash bulb images are part of PTSD, they stem from childhood trauma. They trigger PureOCD and fears. The learned patterns of rumination and being focused on worst case scenario are probably learned by people closed to us from early age. I know that environment and who we hang around us is important - toxic people are contagious. Some toxic people are not aware they spread toxicity so we can't attack and blame them for their negativity. We can't change people neither it is our job. We can serve as example how to behave and react. Besides this, being in contact with toxic people is contagious so I can pick up certain behaviors from them without being aware. So this is the reason why I can't expect others to change. I also can mock just because it is fun. I can make harsh statements. The true psychopaths exploit others and they are continuously toxic.

Then I misread others. I interpret them wrong. It is as if they hold something personally against me. And if I ignore it, as official advice says how to deal with paranoia and intrusive thoughts, I would still feel resentful and I would base my decisions upon this resentment, I would get bothered by it and I would feel tense in their company. My responses would change if I am aware, if I can make distinction and be as much as possible objective, that I am assured they don't hate me, I would become more forceful and I could set boundaries naturally as interactions goes along (it would come up naturally how to react to difficult people without hurting them or turn into over-reaction and unnecessary drama).

During the day it is hectic in social situations and autopilot guides the system. If I encounter someone rude, it will trigger fears, low posture, being submissive, my decisions, thoughts and goals, focus on submission only, and that I have to do immediately everything that someone asks and demands from me, people pleasing and being pushover. This automatic response is part of flight or fight mode - and it is not explained like this in articles about this response. There is no word about people with inferiority complex issues. They may mention avoidance, but do not explain how someone comes up with an idea to avoid.

Negative self talk when I am being afraid sets me being inferior and submissive in the face of rude, cranky people and if not, I expect the attack. I can choose to observe and watch instead of fight response (screaming back, yelling, returning back temper tantrum). This is hard since there are no role models how to do it calmly. Most people do not act assertively. They are either demanding to be their stubborn way or highway expressed in rude aggressive way, or they react by screaming, ie verbal abuse. I have learned that I need to alert and alarm the other person because that is the only way that I will feel good later, I will feel better and I will not feel losing confidence and self esteem later on. This is assertive proposition - to talk and try to reason with people regarding some issue. But that is not so easy in reality. It takes the right moment, right people and right intensity to react and alarm. Social anxiety is when I feel pressed upon the wall, as if I can't move and I must take the abuse, it is a rape position and it is painful, it comes with not having choice. So reacting, alarming, alerting is the only way. The other person may not be aware they are jerk and have no idea what they are doing by behaving immature.

Then I can realize that cranky people are having their temper tantrums in their own intrusive thoughts, they have their hell and pain inside. Some of them don't realize and some of them are not aware even though they appear as they produce intended manipulative attack. Some cranky people are reacting from past hurtful events and it has nothing to do with me for them being rude to me. I can also look at some of them as yin-yang and perhaps I could take something good from the critic. I can explore whether they exploit me, take advantage of me, is there a balance of give and take there?

So being mindful of autopilot is important, how to base mentality of autopilot, not being afraid, embarrassed, that I can ask questions, ask what I want, having bold posture and interact with people. I can set myself up beforehand to engage with people, not being cranky myself, being aware not to be impatient and take time especially when I do not need to hurry, not avoid, speak up, not shut up, keep talking, be prepared to alert and alarm the transgressors, those who trespass my boundaries. Stop codependent behaviour such as offering help when no one asks or needs one. Being prepared not to be afraid to lose people.

This means, social anxiety is connected with personality. The psychological safety tells us we do not feel afraid in environment that is cozy to us. I behave differently if I know I am safe. I tense up if I feel someone is around that might be critical to me, it affects my posture and preparedness to leave without talking with them and socializing. Fight and flight is activated and I go in submissive mode, being people pleaser, pushover and hiding away, expecting the shaming attack from them.

If I am educated in psychology area and social anxiety issue, then I can base my future decisions and my posture on this knowledge. This means having realizations such as I am not hated by others. I can speak up and tell what I am thinking, spread my opinion. With social anxiety I have blockage inside, when someone is rude and forceful I shut up even though I have the solution and proposal to defend myself, explain and offer advice, but I keep it up to myself. If I become aware they do not hate me even though they appear as if they hate me, this gives me courage to speak up and tell what I want. I noticed this that I have a line and text to be said, but I shut up. I think either it is not important or it is stupid so I do not say anything. During growing up I did tell and say what I wanted but I was met with aggression and I want to avoid feeling pain that others force upon others. With education I learn about cognitive dissonance and I understand that people are annoyed and irritated by different viewpoints. They do not hate me as person, they only dislike the truth that appears painful to them. So this information gives me instruction to package my words in cute wraps. Apart from education, there is also experience, and this is why official advice for social anxiety is exposure. You learn then some methods how to communicate better, you notice that people often misinterpret others and then I can assure them that I do not want to hurt them and I want to help. So as much as I misinterpret certain behaviour as aggression, this is something that other people that appear cranky to me do - and they explain themselves me as a threat. So with experience I can see why people respond to people who make other people cozy - jokers.

I also learned about being authentic and speak up. I learned that people even though may get hurt by my opinion and warning and alarm, that they will respect me, even though it appears as if they will hate me for saying no or rejecting their demands that I cannot accept. I learned that it is normal to offend people by accident, it is normal to do something stupid, it is normal to embarrass myself, this happens all the time in social settings. It is not something that happens only to me. It is not sign of my incompetence. It is not something that people will hold grudge over me forever and ever (unless in extremely toxic environment such as poor countries without the basic knowledge of civilized behaviour - toxic places that are embodiment of 'Lord of the flies', 1954 novel).

So managing social anxiety is about being in the flow. It is about non avoidance and doing, being active and it is about that if there is no objective reason to say no that I should do it instead of hiding. Social anxiety is the stumbling block. The fear about being stopped and not being allowed to move, being in the spotlight, embarrassed and exposed and ashamed. This is only when someone is aggressive, rude. In position where I am responsible and when I do something for the first time so I have no experience or skills enough to do it perfectly. It is about my personality pushing it through fears and taking it along into unknown. So instead of autopilot of being submissive and pushover, being myself, authentic, helping because I am good person, not to please someone out of being afraid of that person and not being able to say no to a person's demands. It is about expecting fight and flight response and what it really entails, that is not written in articles and texts about it. It is about knowing the other aggressive people are probable mentally ill even though they do not appear ill but perhaps strong and right just because they yell and scream. Narcissists do not appreciate the help and service. They see other people as objects. I can choose my focus and help on healthy people and avoid toxic people. I had decades of shame for having shame, and for having social anxiety, so I forced myself to be with people who are toxic, just to prove myself that I can socialize and be around people and go out. Yet their toxicity just made me feel more inferior, and lose self esteem and confidence.

I can be prepared before going on auto-pilot but I noticed I forget it when fight and flight response hits. I know the loss of memory is connected with stress because all body's resources are withdrawn, including memory and everything is moved into fight or flight response. People with trauma, PTSD, severe social anxiety have these responses all the time. This is something that is also not explained in official texts and articles about fight or flight mode. 

The goal of managing social anxiety would be a social anxiety firefighter and calming down and extinguishing over-arousal as it appears when triggered. It is about building up myself to be willing to take risks. It is making myself to be active and take chances and do the tasks that needs to be done. If I know fight-flight response wrecking havoc inside and I know it is making me forget everything positive, I know my task would be rebooting and starting up the mindset that will be defiant to the fear triggers. It would be taking and resurrecting a package of my true personality, the one that exists in psychological safety (not comfort zone) every time I am triggered. It is persona that is open, funny, cheerful, positive, open, authentic, not afraid, curious, exploring, courageous, right. It is about minimizing avoidance and doing what needs to be done in line with my goals. Without knowing why I am I taking risks and not avoiding, I would not calm down the fight flight response - which means stress hormones inside and it would mean I do not have a goal to be focused, only to avoid danger, and thus my self esteem and confidence would suffer as result, since I would not take time to build my persona, instead I would be stuck in being scared and act from fear - which means avoiding when possible.

Managing social anxiety would be expecting the inferiority complex to kick in when I encounter someone rude. The official advice in dealing with someone aggressive is to listen them out, since most aggression comes up from being helpless and feeling of being ignored. The verbal abuse can be deflected by broken record or being boring or agreeing partially with them. Ashaming can be returned by ashaming their behavior back and alarming their actions as shameful. I can leave if they do not stop. And this not moving is part of social anxiety. It is fear of being trapped, being not able to move, not being able to talk, to do, to continue. It is uncomfortable feeling of being closed from all sides and pressed upon from aggressor. That's at the core of fear. I can admit to be wrong. I can say I'm sorry - but fears stop this also. So it is good to know these options having available. I guess this come from experience and having good role models how to deal correctly with aggressive people. So if I live surrounded by toxic environment I would be pressed upon people who are stubborn, always be in right, and who exploit easy targets. I can only see the wrong responses to conflicts from such environment and this toxic environment would enforce social anxiety.

I noticed I feel better when I remind myself of general truth that for some reason brings me calm and encourage me to take actions. It is a form of affirmations, but they are based on truth and objectivity. For example for driving fears: "Driving should be a pleasant experience." Or it is normal to make mistakes in social settings, it is expected, and there will always be somebody who will feel offended no matter what I say or do, or even if I don't say anything. Before knowing this I would feel ashamed if I do something embarrassing outside. It helps to know cognitive distortions so I don't expect the same result every time.

Social anxiety is triggered by aggressive, rude people's acts. It destroys already fragile people's minds, it makes people afraid and avoidant, if the rude person is observed as superior. If prolonged, then it makes people live in basic way, without socializing, making fun, exploring and taking new tasks. The response to rude people should not be aggressive since in fact we may either over-react and go to the extreme, over-react to over-reaction, and make other person afraid since they are not aggressive at all. The response should align with assertiveness, which means stating what I want and not expecting the other side to obey. Toxic environment is full of stubborn people who do not listen to other people's pleads. And this not knowing response and not knowing how to respond is part of social anxiety.

Social anxiety mapping would help to be aware of two different personalities, one during the fear, and the other is in calm, psychological safety. During fear I am not aware of this painful, tense behaviour.
Fear personality:

• feeling of being stuck, being in a situation of not moving, yet expected to move, being yelled and ashamed or expecting the shaming for making mistakes, for not moving.

• not taking time to learn the other person so I give time, energy and reveal personal information in order to soften up the blow, expected shame from this person.
  
• being zoomed too closely to people, as if I am an inch from them, looking through microscope, looking for signs how they react, small signs in their words or posture - and not being aware I am zoomed in, I must step back. 
• self censor and not talking back, not defending, telling my side of the story, not giving my opinion
• avoid and close myself in shell, no contact and no interaction
• not being aware what is going on, what is happening and blaming, ashaming myself as weird, weak
• I must stay with abuser, I must not walk away, or alarm them and warn them if they continue there will be consequences.
• cognitive distortions such as single or couple painful people appear as group and continuous mass, unable to handle it as such so why try
• I follow only one way, I expect the same every time
• self censoring gratitude to others and complimenting them (creating distance from others as by-product)
  

Psychological safety personality:

• being objective, being authentic
• no rumination
• knowing others do not hate me
• speak out and talk what comes up to my mind instead of holding it in just to be safe
• being friendly, make fun
• being aware we have task and duty to be inner firefighter to bring balance to chaos when our core social anxiety fears occur (being exposed to cranky, angry people behaviour)
• I alert, alarm the angry person, and I ashame their ashaming, not personality, I leave them, walk away or ignore if leaving is not possible.
• I try various methods and techniques, I remind myself something different may happen this time
• being spontaneous, having rules that may change along the way since there is no attack if I do 
• thank people for what they've done good to us, give compliments
  

 Social Anxiety components:

• cranky people

• complex task to be resolved, choice between movement or freezing
  
• confronting and asking for our needs, assertiveness, self-censorship
  
• not being aware, not having the right label of events and for people around me as toxic
  
• not getting involved if I don't know the rules
• everything appears the same every time
  

Cranky people are the cause of social anxiety. They use shaming as attack. It can be even imagined, expected, something that may happen. Because it may not be real I know I must stop and evaluate every time I perceive someone to be cranky. Because some people over-react and if I stop and realize that this is their over-reaction I can calm down and get back to psychological safety persona, and I can talk and interact in a different way with them, then I would if I stay in fear. I stop taking it personally if I am aware they are over-reacting. I can ignore it easily and dismiss it. So the social anxiety is rumination afterwards. If I can calm down and prevent the rumination, I would manage social anxiety.

Then there are some cranky people who are victims of abuse and they repeat the learned techniques from abuser. If you observe them closely, they say and comment things like a parrot but there is no emotional investment in it. Once you realize it, you can also dismiss it easily and not pay attention and you do not ruminate about them later because you know they are not dangerous to our safety.

Dealing with cranky people is actually dealing with social anxiety itself. The time before receiving abuse from rude person (emotional, verbal, psychological abuse), is already filled with self criticism so their outbursts are like pouring oil to fire.

If I can become aware of them as social anxiety core trigger, I can easily calm down, since I do not regard them as superior. So I can talk and defend myself, and speak out what comes up to my mind. For example, I can say - If I talk calmly to you, there is no reason for you to yell. I can alert and alarm them because I no longer view them as unknown threat that triggers automatic fight or flight response. I can use my peaceful nature already present in me and respond from agreeableness perspective and see their point of view, and alert them of their toxic behaviour, not get drawn into personal attack.

The most of the time firefighting the social anxiety would be imaginary and thus easy - you simply do the goals you want, everything you need and that makes you happy to do. It is about going out, moving and being active whenever there is something to be done, being outside my comfort zone. The more I expose, the better I'll get in knowing what is it out there. It will no longer be in my head as fear, threat and expectations of the worse. For example it could be simple task of going and being in contact with someone, that I would otherwise avoid, yet I never met this person and I don't know if they are unkind. I need to face it. Or if I like nature, I need to drag myself out there, there are no cranky people out there. My only fear with social anxiety are cranky people, not outside world in general. If I avoid something for some time without evidence, of course it will be hard to go out for the first time, so I need to push myself. It would be easier if I am aware of fight and flight mechanism, that is is much more issue than sheer leftover from cave humankind response to predators.

Another interesting occurrence of social anxiety is dismissing past successes as non important. Before the event I would feel extremely uncomfortable, and after I faced my fear, I would not think back on it and I would forget the mental anguish before it. I would however feel mental strain over future events, possible ones, imagined or real ones. It is a loop of rumination without being aware of the last step - resolution, because another issue would come up very soon. And when it happens, due to fight or flight response, if I let my thoughts on auto-pilot, it would seem as if I am doing it for the first time, without any prior experience available in my memory. Once I am aware, I can easily see how fears are silly and ridiculous. This is the reason why very early social anxiety articles recommended exposure as very important step, but they did not explain it in this way. They do not mention this phenomena of not being aware what is going on, they do not explain the importance of labeling parts of fear stages so it is easier to calm myself down. During fear, it seems every time I am in unknown territory and the core fear is only known - extreme and painful reaction from cranky person. This is also the reason why narcissist are skillful manipulators, they seek easy victims, sensitive people, because narcissists know they are the most prone to their demands and exploitation. The only thing they can do is yell and be hysterical and they enslave the other person. Which is crucial in dealing with cranky people - ignoring them, not succumbing to their demands easily and without thinking about how it affects me.

Intelligent, truthful people annoy cranky people. Our words, actions annoy them because we are better due to empathy which they have none, and this annoys them. The only way to shut us down and manipulate is through aggression and bullying. Therefore self censoring is not the option. We have the power and they try to render us useless. If we are aware of this, it is easier to overcome inferior complex and stop looking them as strong, yet very toxic, sick and mentally unstable individuals with hidden motives that as well might include well hidden criminal behaviour. They are not ok, they are psychopats, sociopaths. They are not strong, strong people are not aggressive, they imitate and mimic the strong by attacking the weaker ones, easy targets.

Being aware that battling social anxiety means learning how to respond to rude people, there are a lot of information online. However, social anxiety is the extreme, which is rarely discussed in available articles. For example, the advice given is about alarming and talking through. But in reality, people with social anxiety had past experience and present negative influence from toxic people - which are unreasonable. They do not listen. If you speak up, they turn their back and walk away, you cannot communicate once you get courage to confront them. Or if they stay, they are extremely stubborn and refuse to acknowledge the fault, blame and say sorry and repair the damage they've done. To make things complex, this learned toxic behaviour is contagious, so I may also have difficulty saying sorry and realizing I might have done something wrong, since I am acutely aware of my every move, step and mistake. This is why cranky people are so aggressive, by being loud and obnoxious they demand the spotlight to be heard - they find the ways to manipulate easy targets. It is like using a shotgun to hunt a butterfly - you kill it in the process because you are using misappropriate weapon. Which reveals another hidden truth - that they are either unaware whom they deal with or the things you represent and say is scaring them, so they employ hard weapons against you. Or they are simply psychopaths and destroy whomever they meet along the way. In any case it is indicative to label them as crazy ones, the weak and pathetic ones, instead of being superior and strong as suggested by toxic environment society. This is especially true for cranky people who criticize other's mistakes, mock them or threaten when in reality this is done for the first time and the target has no skills to do it perfectly immediately. It takes time to learn any process and be good at it takes a practice, it can't be done with magic stick, it is a process of learning. So a person who mocks others for this is not well, to put it mildly, such person may try to look better, stronger and superior by making fun and bully people who do something for the first time. Since social anxiety is pattern of avoidance, we do not have skills since we do not expose ourselves and almost everything is done for the first time, so we are easy targets for sociopaths and bullies. If you look it from this perspective, you take their abuse much less personally and instead of feeling inferior, you realize they are struggling with inferiority and they are so much more pathetic than you, in reality.

Example of advice on dealing with cranky people:

How To Deal With Impolite People at Work

 

There's not need to be so rude. Other words: offensive, insulting, disrespectful.
Obnoxious – very rude and unpleasant. Abusive. I'm afraid I'll have to end the call if you don't stop being abusive. Be careful about using the language and phrases. Think about your relationship with the person who is being impolite to you. Try to understand why they are being impolite and always do your best to remain calm and professional. If customer say something negative about you , you can say I can understand that you're angry but there's no need to get personal – I'm just trying to help. Or I completely understand that you're angry, but there's no need to get personal – I'm just trying to help. I completely understand why you're so upset, but I don't think it's fair to speak to me like that – I'm just doing my job.
If a customer starts using bad language: Could you please tone down your language, sir madam?
To tone down your language means to make it less offensive.
If the customer doesn't tone down their language, I do want to help you, but I'm afraid I can't tolerate the kind of language you're using. Or I'm very sorry (name), but if you continue to use this language, I'll be forced to end the call.
Or I'm afraid I'll have to end the call if you don't stop being abusive/using such abusive language.
Impolite collegue: if you know person well you can use humour. Other ways:
there is no need to be so rude. Or I think you should keep those kind of comments to yourself. Not share it outloud. I think you can tone it down a little bit. I'm sorry but that's totally inappropriate. Not right for the situation. If the person is being extremely rude, you may have to end the conversation. I don't think there's any point continuing this conversation. I think it would be better to have this conversation another time. I'm very sorry but I'm not going to talk to you when you're being so offensive. Talking about the situation afterwards: I don't know if you realize this, but what you said hurt my feelings. Or I don't know if you're aware of this, but you made me look like a fool in front of the others. I'd really appreciate it if you could be more tactful in future. To be tactful means to be careful not to offend or upset people.
Dealing with impolite boss:
With all due respect, (name) I don't think that's very appropriate. You're my boss and I have a lot of respect for you, but I don't think it's fair to speak to me like that.
Talking about situation afterwards: I just wanted to talk to you about yesterday's meeting. I'm not sure you realise this but what you said was extremely insulting/ humiliating. You embarrassed me in front of the whole team and I'm very upset about it.
If something is humiliating to you, it makes you feel ashamed or stupid. Or I'm just wondering if there's anything I've done to upset you. I feel that you've been giving me a very hard time lately. Can we speak about this openly and honestly? It's causing me a lot of stress and I'd really like to clear the air. To clear the air – means to discuss a conflict or problem openly in order to make it better.

Social anxiety is about a task to be done. The task is hard, complex to overcome. The other people are involved in this task, and other people's reactions are the key problem, such as being cranky and angry.  This is why people with social anxiety overestimate the risk. It seems as if it is continuous problem, it seems as if cranky, angry people walk down the street and target you just for fun. In fact, it is not so common, it is rare. People are cranky about specific problem and issue and it seems to us it is random in the retrospective. In one hand we zoom in too closely to obnoxious person while we should step back and thus detach ourselves not to get to involved with person who makes us afraid, and on the other hand we zoom too far away from specific issue and see it as endless, relentless problem. These upcoming, complex issues are much common in poor countries in everyday situations. For example poor roads and poor management in general produce situations in which you cannot move, where you cannot achieve goal without getting stuck. Toxic environment then produce impatient, loud, obnoxious toxic people who panic during such issues and impact sensitive people in negative ways, through showing aggressive example instead of being assertive and also through abuse, bullying the easy targets in order to feel good about themselves. This explains why in poor areas of the world it is normal to ashame the person, it is taken for granted to hate the person and show intolerance of human rights. While in rich, developed countries instead of toxic shaming, the focus is in alerting and punishing toxic behaviour, not the human being in its core.

As children we are raised to learn how to solve problems. So later in life if we encounter stumbling blocks, we are aware of them and clear them up so we can move on with our tasks at hand. Social anxiety blocks this process, it makes us stop, avoid and hide. Managing social anxiety would therefore entail calming down, solving the problem and moving on. The wrong response is hiding, avoiding and not confronting when needed, saying our needs and alerting the other side about harmful behaviour from others. It is said that people with social anxiety work more than others and are hard workers, it is because we focus on task, while unaware people are focused more on criticizing, complaining, and their panic is actually make us blocked, since it distracts us and make us afraid. So calming down as important action for dealing with social anxiety entails not only calming down ourselves, but it also includes recognizing the other person is not superior (and this means under charge and control) but it is also anything but calm, so our task would be to calm the other person as well. Instead of engaging in their possible manipulative gaslighting, it is about ignoring their toxic display of mocking and unproductive sarcasm and focusing on alerting them on their non-helpful behaviour. And this may annoy them even more and they'll try to shut us up by more loud screaming. We can expect this, know what is happening. The only thing that would stop us from reacting and defending would be having a belief we are inferior, and other people's words are the ultimate truth to be followed without a question. Again, not knowing how to do something because it is done for the first time makes us easy targets for bullies. They use their knowledge that they do not share as a way to ashame us. We can call them out on this non-cooperative treatment. If they do not change behaviour, we can take in consideration to leave them. Toxic people need clever people around them but only to serve and obey them without questions asked. If we are aware that we are clever and able, we can end codependency and we can end viewing others as superior - only those people who are not friendly and unable to share, those who only take and exploit.

It is also about developing tolerance. Perhaps the other person criticism is not to hate my core being and I can take it as advice. This is the case where I might over-react and see others as threat while in reality they convey different message and motive. I need to explore and learn the other person, not to jump to conclusion and label them as every other bad experience from the past. This not being aware what is going on is social anxiety's constant. This is why if I start to expose myself, with time it is easy to fall back on auto-pilot and I do not explore or try to learn the other side. I simply label them as superior and I go on with my decisions revolving around this false viewpoint, and in the long run I create social anxiety - since I am afraid to ask for my needs and confront them when they cross the line. Majority of people do not like to be right all the time, they need help and guidance as well, even though they will never admit it, so in the long run, viewing everybody as superior destroys relationships since I set it up to be only take-take from their side, with me providing the service and time.

Social anxiety is not only our thoughts ashaming us and experience mental anguish, it is also outside influence, external factors in form of critical, rude, aggressive people who are external representation of what is already going on in our everyday thoughts - inner critic, belittling myself for mistakes or current status, past mistakes and expecting everything to be perfect. These people can either be real psychopaths who bully just for fun and for them feeling good about themselves, or it could be misunderstanding, people who appear toxic but they are just clumsy in expressing themselves or appear toxic from our point of view, while in reality if we talk and interact with them more, we'd find out there is something else going on than what seems as a sheer aggression towards us. Such as them just having a bad day and their rudeness has nothing to do with me.

Being surrounded with toxic people makes us pick up their toxic behaviour. It is in a way not acknowledging we were wrong and accepting the advice, saying sorry, admitting we do not know something. The fear of criticism and ashaming might leads us in hamster wheel run of always being right and not allowing the other side to be right. This is problem when cranky person is leading the discussion. They are setting up the stage for us to keep us in a mental loop of being afraid of making mistakes and being afraid of admitting a mistake or admitting I do not know something they know. Narcissist are specialists in this gaslighting area. You also realize that other people are not perfect and they have certain areas that are pathetic and I can tolerate it.

Accepting and stoicism are amazing in tolerating people who only appear toxic. But for real psychopaths, if I blindly accept and pretend it doesn't bother me, with time it has devastating impact on self esteem and confidence. Sociopaths cross boundaries on purpose even thought they are aware it is wrong. There are people out there that do not care at all about other humans, their rights. Some of them do not want peace, they enjoy creating conflict. Some are just in delusion and talking with them might clear the things, while some refuse to clear things since they realize they would be responsible for something done wrong. With social anxiety on auto-pilot I do not make inquiry and I think I am dealing with a saint and strong, superior other side and they are all the same, since they are angry, they seem to me automatically correct and right and if they yell it automatically means I should shut up and take their abuse. 

Social anxiety has also one negative aspect of being focused on myself. It is a prison, imposed by cranky people who appear superior to us, so much that is matters what they think or say about ourselves. Not being stuck inside and not being focused on my problem makes me less self involved and without avoidance pattern of hiding from people, I can naturally use my empathy and sensitivity to connect with people who really need help, instead of being exploited through people pleasing narcissists that trapped us in codependent relationships.

Managing Social Anxiety:

• expose, go out, don't avoid, keep moving, the movement, taking action and achieving goals as much as possible and as it appears to be available to me. Instead of viewing exposure as a mere advice without important meaning behind it, see it as critical component of learning and adventurous exploring of the new areas.
• Firefighting task of calming down the nervous system before and during exposure:
  

• don't self censor. There are thoughts of intelligence (directions how to solve an issue) that pop up as thoughts and I bury them in fear. Use them as voice of defense, as creative suggestions, as query, as learning, exploring and enlightenment of me and others. It's for situation when you are accused of something you know you done right. It's also about being authentic.
  
• observe and learn the other people whom I dealing with, use empathy not to zoom in and clutch on the other person yet to detach and see whom am I dealing it. Instead of automatically labeling others as superior, super clever and our saviours, draw the conclusion as much as objectively about the person and take actions accordingly. Not caring what someone says with being aware how I falsely learned to take others words as ultimate command.
  
• use learned lessons as affirmations. Instead of talking myself into something, repeat what I know it's true; "People do not hate me". "Driving should be a pleasant experience" "People in reality want my viewpoint since I am clever, able to see from different prospective and I can help them but they will never admit it" "I do not need jumping in to help others without them asking me for it" "It is normal to make mistakes, to make a fool of myself, to say wrong things" "Statistically it is low chance of something I'm afraid of actually happening" "I do not need to do task perfectly" "I am allowed and I will make mistakes in social gatherings, this is normal and expected - no matter if someone mocks me for it"
  
• Expecting that fight or flight response will freeze me and create chaos inside, it will give me an amnesia of good things and make me focus on cognitive distortions as emotional reasoning and personalization, tunnel vision. Knowing what is going on takes away its power of unknown.
  
• recognizing when fight or flight response changed me into a fearful persona and make an effort of drawing back to be myself again, friendly, open and fun. In this way I change my posture based on the knowledge being educated what is going on. I can base my future decisions from other persona than the fearful one.
  
• trusting that once I am calmed down, and once I do not put myself in inferior mode and expect to people please and do actions not to anger people I may perceive as superior, my brain will pop up intelligent responses and proposals to do 
• use fuzzy logic in expecting the unknown event, use various techniques to alarm and alert rude cranky people
• repeat your words, explanation, do not think it is the same and therefore irrelevant to repeat
• recognizing Who is really worthy of my attention, my time, my energy, my love. I don't need to give any of these more than what is the basic, civilized communication.
• recognizing if someone helps me and is toxic in the same time, I need to calm them down, too. This is what alarm and alert the other person means. Find solution and way to calm them down, each situation is different, there is no general rule, no easy direction, it comes down to being instinctive and improvising.
  

Social anxiety in the most cases is triggered by small words related to some task we are expected to do or ask. This activates fight or flight response but it the most cases we do not notice it as a set of physical symptoms. We do experience feeling slightly hurt. And we dismiss it, believing we are snow flakes and over-reacting. Managing social anxiety would be knowing we get triggered by small, slight, innocuous, almost unimportant reactions and behaviour from others. It is about realizing and knowing for sure that this is PTSD, a chemical imbalance out of our control, and we are not to blame ourselves for feeling being weak. Social anxiety (need to be regarded as) is signal for our immediate firefighting task that we need to do in order to get us back to action as soon as possible, get us moving instead of avoidance, running away, hide away, hiding or dismissing interaction. We have approximately 20 minutes to extinguish small fire or otherwise it will become unmanageable, even the small words that may seem non threatening and silly to us. Our task is getting us back to our regular state of feeling psychological safety as quickly as possible. This contains fighting back, talking back and explaining ourselves, not self-censorship that we would otherwise engage further on. If our environment is toxic, if people are in general rude, if nothing changes even though we try to interact with it, and we get exploited, manipulated and not getting respected, it is then the only healthy thing to do to move away as soon as it could be possible (due to finances for example). If we do not regard and take actions as firefighters to ease and calm social anxiety, it will become snowball effect and get us into panic. We are triggered in any social situation, so if we do find ourselves with explicit aggression, it will hurt even more because we are already "prepared" to feel fear in our "normal" every day activities. We'll find it more difficult to observe social anxiety as a set of external problem and explain it as inner, default brokenness which is very dangerous, it attacks our self esteem confidence, that break our legs and make us unable to move.

I notice the slight change in tone and in words from the other person or people, and this triggers social anxiety, and I am not aware such sensitive words triggers it. Recognize it for what it is, it is fight or flight mode response and try to prevent outburst by affirmations: "They do not hate me" "I can explain, talk, chat, warn, alarm, be authentic". Also be mindful the social anxiety is activated, so the next focus is on me getting moving, not stopping, not avoiding, going out, doing the task. Social anxiety left on auto-pilot makes us avoidant and stop going out, and we do not notice it as blockage, we experience the running away and hiding as relief. But it is wrong kind of relief. PureOCD intrusive thoughts are the loop made to make us feel safe, good and comfortable but this loop is creating anxiety without us being aware we are damaging ourselves by trying methods of hiding that seem functional to us, but in reality they are stopping us from life. It makes me feel inferior and stops me from gaining experience and it stops me from objectively assessing the situation and getting to know the other person. The other person may indeed be psychopath, but in the most cases they are irritated and annoyed by something else, and me is just cross their path as innocent bystander being at wrong place and wrong time.

Being hurt by innocuous words is not being snowflake. It is due to wound, it is cause by external factors, I did not choose it just because or out of spite. It is not me being wuss, no matter what the spectator may label and ashame me for being less human being by default, in my core. Being highly over-reacting to words is the process of PTSD, childhood trauma and chemical imbalance, it is all outside of my control. I can try to ignore it and observe the other person aggression whether it becomes worse - and I am allowed to protect my boundaries if it gets worse by alarming them. Which is connected with always expecting the same result which is part of social anxiety. I can see others as group evil while in fact there might be good among them. I think I will react in the same way as if there are no other options. For example, I may read articles on self esteem and pushover problem and the advice would be to show up my dark shadow. My social anxiety would make me believe that this is default way for every issue that comes up with people - to yell back at them as a way to alarm them. In reality it depends on situation and it depends on person I am dealing with, which I need to study and evaluate every time instead of going automatically with default way of always expecting the same.

And I also understand that others are annoyed by my sensitivity. They don't see it the same way as I do. I appear annoying and pretentious, snobish to them, as if I choose to manipulate others or appear better than others. This is why it's important to alarm and alert other person, to explain what they are doing is wrong and why exactly. Which brings me to belief that people who hurt me by even small, detail ways as slightly harsh tone or slightly impatient words, that the energy I feel behind it is their sickness. Childhood trauma as mocking and experiencing the first hate that started the whole social anxiety pattern made me believe I am inferior and the other people are always automatically better and superior, competent and greater in any way, but in reality, with social anxiety trigger symptoms I detect broken people. They may appear outgoing, competent, rich and strong, but normal, healthy individual will look after how their behaviour, words affect others. If someone who is not your family is making such personal comments that you experience as painful shyness, it is a sign this person is crossing boundaries. "Normal" people do not point out personal comments, they do not nit-pick, they choose carefully and invest time to formulate their request or comment. If someone does not do that, it's either this person is temporarily in shock, stress (and thus not worthy of worried about), or the person have no social skills (they may even have history of being very extroverted, yet being in company of other unskillful clueless sleepyheads) and as such not worthy to be bothered with.

Current official media (articles) label social anxiety triggers as our fear of judgement and criticism (something that may happen). Or they claim social anxiety trigger is pouring water in public or signing your name, (where someone may or may not observe you). I say, all this is misleading and unhelpful observation. Social anxiety triggers are real "attacks" from others. It's not something that may/might happen. It does happen. There is judgement and criticism. We are responding to real threat. But in reality, such aggressive communication is so extremely mild, non discoverable and unnoticeable, and yet we pick it up and the twist in the story is that we are not aware we picked it up - which makes social anxiety hidden. Toxic shame is behind it and toxic shame is master in hiding itself. "Toxic shame is hidden killer of relationships (aka 'the Silent Killer of Relationships')". It triggers the same shock-wave as a real aggression (which is rare occurrence) and we are not aware it did and what is happening. Then we feel "double" bad because we feel distress and we are not aware we are under fire. We do not take firefighting task which is managing social anxiety. Then this non action and not being aware snowballs into unmanageable mental pain with time - rumination, imagining others laughing/criticizing at us, feeling tense all the time, thinking the worse and avoiding and hiding away from life and living in personality and persona of fear and inferior complex which keeps us stuck in loop of avoidance and experiencing unmanageable pain during random (any) social events.
Or some articles do recognize there are external triggers, however they make mistake and claim that the triggers impact our thoughts. Nope, they impact our personality, it switches us to different persona and we operate from the state of fear, without being aware. This is why our thoughts are different in fear mode, not because there is something wrong with thoughts themselves. They are just normal expected thoughts from the place of abuse, trauma and PTSD. Managing social anxiety suggests being aware of this Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde problem and it makes us aware we need to pay attention to haul back our persona, parts of persona we can grab at the moment, back to the spotlight, pick it up from the imposed dark cellar it got locked in, due to trigger. Social anxiety makes any rude, loud, authoritarian figure that walks by or into our life as our overbearing "parent", we get zoomed in them and we are not aware we are zoomed in them and we follow their words as ultimate truths. Narcissists take advantage of our codependency and exploit our fear by controlling us easily through yelling and criticizing. Once we are aware what is going on, we can grab our persona from the dark and react accordingly, find the right time, right moment and right level to defend ourselves, set boundaries by not self-censoring ourselves.

One article claims that meeting new people triggers social anxiety. Nope. If we feel psychological safety, there would be no anxiety, we would feel safe. If we try to be objective as possible, and if there are no mocking, slight negative critical comments and unnoticeable, critical nitpicking words, there would be no anxiety. Yet, they probably are, as they are part of socializing. Perhaps we can choose new group. Or we can learn to tolerate it by getting to know people who are annoying to us. The most critical point is that we are finally aware that we get triggered by things that are not noticeable as triggers at all. Then we can actively calm our fight flight response which would pass us by unnoticeable, and we can use social anxiety trait of looking inside and being focused on us, by not looking for our mistakes, but instead to be looking for our persona that is not based on fear. That personality knows intuitively how to talk, how to respond, how to chat - we will not self censor it and we'll be prepared for rude reaction - instead of being wounded by not knowing what is going on when rude, noticeable trigger happens in reality. 

One article claims that anxiety happen for no particular reason. This is not correct. It does happen for a reason, however it is small and unimportant and overlooked. But it is still trigger. We are literally attacked by virus and our immune system does not recognize the threat. The virus multiplies inside us and it created havoc, chaos, and we are not aware. When the known virus attacks, the body is already weak and stressed from unrecognized viruses from before.

This is why "No one can hurt you without your permission" statement is so confusing and painful for anxiety sufferers, because we do not let it and it hurts us still. "Strong" and "normal" people use this statements as badge and we are left on the sidelines not having a clue why it hurts. It hurts because our persona is being locked deep down and our fear-based persona is running the show, appearing as the real persona to us. Elenor Roosevelt have said: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Our persona of fear is not able to operate to distinguish inferior, it is basic, black&white,  survival personality, looking to protect us by hiding and avoiding. There are no discussion about inferiority with fearful persona because it does not have it in its vocabulary. Since hiding and avoiding entails not moving and not achieving goals, the result may be inferiority, but it is only result, not the core, default characteristic of individual. Fear persona has no logic and therefore it cannot be reasoned with and talked out of fear.

It is funny that social phobia has its name very clear that social anxiety is disorder related to people, yet information regarding dealing with social anxiety leads you to believe the problem is only within you and you personally, not the society you get in the contact with.

To people with social anxiety, no one has told us we actually operate from mirror image of yin yang of our personality. There is nothing wrong with fear persona. It is the same as working in "safe mode" of Windows. We do not understand why we have low resolution as oppose to the others. We do not understand why some drivers are not working. Others may suggest us to install, reinstall drivers - but in safe mode this is impossible. There is no reason to blame anyone or think this is wrong system. Everything is fine and it should be in safe mode after trauma. You hit your hard disk, computer will restart and start up in the safe mode. This is normal reaction to abnormal trigger. Without safe mode, we would not have any screen to return us back to normal mode, so it has it reason and function. It's time to re-boot, restart our system and start up our life in the normal mode.

Fact, TWITTER: Mistakes are proof that you are trying. 

Fact, TWITTER: When people are angry at you, if you stay calm it'll get them even angrier, and be ashamed about it after. 

Fact, TWITTER: 95% of the time, We forgive people because we still want them in our lives.

Fact, TWITTER: Insecurity mentally destroys you.

Fact, TWITTER: People will not always tell you how they feel, but they will show you. Pay attention.

Fact, TWITTER: Be weird. Be random. Be who you are. Because you never know who would love the person you hide.

Fact, TWITTER: Whatever you do, never run back to what broke you.

Fact, TWITTER: Shy people usually end up being some of the coolest people you know after you start talking to them.

Fact, TWITTER: Always go out in public dressed like you're about to meet the love of your life. It'll help you gain confidence.

Fact, TWITTER: Being nice to someone you don't like doesn't mean you're fake, it means you're mature enough to tolerate your dislike for them.

Fact, TWITTER: People with anxiety perceive the world differently—their brain lumps both safe and unsafe things together and labels them all unsafe. 

Fact, TWITTER: The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you and you try to understand their situation instead of trying to hurt them back.

Fact, TWITTER: Psychology says, when we’re constantly wishing for something, we overlook everything we already have.

Fact, TWITTER: You know someone means a lot to you when their mood affects yours.

Fact, TWITTER: Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.

Fact, TWITTER: Don't change to please people. If they can't accept you for who you are, you don't need them in your life.

Fact, TWITTER: Two things define you: Your patience when you have nothing, and your attitude when you have everything.

Fact, TWITTER: Its funny how you can do nice things for people all the time and they never notice. But once you make one mistake, its never forgotten.

Fact, TWITTER: Sometimes you have to walk away from people, not because you don't care, but because they don't.

Fact, TWITTER: Being ignored by someone whose attention means the world to you is the worst feeling.

Fact, TWITTER: Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change.

Fact, TWITTER: Never ignore someone who cares for you, because someday you'll realize you've lost a diamond while you were busy collecting stones.

Fact, TWITTER: If you repeatedly criticize someone for liking something you don't, they won't stop liking it. They'll stop liking you.

Fact, TWITTER: 70% of people pretend to be okay simply because they don't want to annoy others with their problems.

Fact, TWITTER: You usually argue with those you care about. People avoid fights completely when they're no longer interested emotionally. 

Fact, TWITTER: Emotional pain lasts for 10 to 20 minutes, anything longer is actually self inflicted by over thinking, making things worse.

Fact, TWITTER: Once you realize you deserve better, letting go will be the best decision you will ever make.

Fact, TWITTER: Psychology says, staying quiet doesn’t mean you've got nothing to say. It means you don’t think they're ready to hear your thoughts.

Fact, TWITTER: Life offers you an endless amount of possibilities. Don’t settle for a crappy job, crappy friends or a crappy significant other.

Fact, TWITTER: Over thinking is a special form of fear. This fear becomes worse when adding anticipation, memory, imagination, and emotion together.

Fact, TWITTER: Fake people have an image to maintain. Real people just don't care.

Fact, TWITTER: Researchers estimate that two-thirds of humans have no idea what they're good at or what their strengths are.

Fact, TWITTER: People who are constantly suffering from emotional wounds tend to easily get annoyed with others for no apparent reason.

Fact, TWITTER: Too many people are trying to find the right person instead of being the right person.

Fact, TWITTER: The more intelligent you are, the more annoyed you're likely to get by people in general, but at the same time keep quiet to avoid an argument

Fact, TWITTER: You can't see your reflection in boiling water. Similarly, you can't see the truths in your life in a state of anger.

Fact, TWITTER: Being positive in a negative situation is not naive. It's leadership - Ralph Marston

Fact, TWITTER: Over 90% of mental diseases are either caused or complicated by the stressful act of overthinking.

Fact, TWITTER: Negaholics are people who become addicted to self-doubt and negativity. They find the bad in most things and are hardly ever satisfied.

Fact, TWITTER: The biggest regret that people have on their deathbed is that they lived the life expected of them instead of a life true to themselves.

Fact, TWITTER: Everyone has three lives: a public life, a private life, and a secret life

Fact, TWITTER: When someone gives you advice, respond with "you're right" rather than "I know." You'll come across as being nicer.

Fact, TWITTER: You will never truly understand something until it actually happens to you.

Fact, TWITTER: People are so quick to judge others faults, but never quick to point out their own.

Fact, TWITTER: The worst person to be around is someone who complains about everything and appreciates nothing.

Fact, TWITTER: Cutting people from your life does not mean you hate them, it simply means, you respect yourself.

Fact, TWITTER: Just because someone doesn’t react, it doesn’t mean they don’t notice.

Fact, TWITTER: A study found that if your face suggests that you’re alert and slightly happy, people are more likely to perceive you as intelligent.

Fact, TWITTER: Go where you are appreciated, not where you are tolerated. Your confidence, health, and life will be much better.

Fact, TWITTER: When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. - Max Planck

Fact, TWITTER:
If you are not enjoying the journey, you probably won’t enjoy the destination.

Fact, TWITTER:
People usually forget to thank you when you do good to them, but they never forget to blame you if you did wrong to them.

Fact, TWITTER:
In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.

Fact, TWITTER:
If you're happy, who cares what other people think.

Fact, TWITTER:
Nothing holds you back more than your own insecurities.

WTF Facts, TWITTER: Psychology says smart people underestimate themselves and hold things back. Ignorant people overestimate themselves and make the most noise. This gives people an inaccurate view of society.

WTF Facts, TWITTER: Psychology says It's hard to change a person's mind using facts due to "motivated reasoning." People often believe what they want, then use unsubstantial evidence to support it.

Malotruc, TWITTER: It's super dangerous to base your entire hypothesis on a false premise to begin with....

Ethics in bricks, TWITTER: To admit you were wrong is to declare you are wiser now than before.

"We are our choices."
- Jean-Paul Sartre

TWITTER, Writing To Riches
Most look for clarity before taking action.
The truth is that action creates clarity.

TWITTER, Writing To Riches
Some people will hate you solely for the fact that you're improving your life. 

TWITTER, Writing To Riches
Too much comfort leads to an unsatisfying life.

TWITTER, Writing To Riches
Being able to calm down before making decisions is a superpower.

TWITTER, Writing To Riches
Conquer distractions, and you will conquer life.

TWITTER, Deep Quotes
Most of your life problems will be solved, if you will just start taking action, instead of thinking about it.

TWITTER, Poem Heaven
some of us never found time to be happy because we were too busy trying to be strong. 

TWITTER, CPTSD Foundation
When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible

TWITTER, CPTSD Foundation
There are basically two categories of emotions. There are core emotions, like anger, joy and sadness. And there are inhibitory emotions, like shame and anxiety, which serve to block you from experiencing core emotions. 

TWITTER, Philosophy Tweets
All cruel people describe themselves as paragons of frankness.
Tennessee Williams

TWITTER, Philosophy Tweets
He who seeks for methods without having a definite problem in mind seeks in the most part in vain.
David Hilbert

TWITTER, Wealth Inc
If it is important to you, you will find a way.
If not, you'll find an excuse.

"All things must be examined, debated, investigated without exception and without regard for anyone's feelings."
- Denis Diderot

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts."
- Bertrand Russell

"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored."
- Aldous Huxley

"Those who have made discoveries before us are not our masters, but our guides. Truth lies open for all; it has not yet been monopolized."
- Seneca

"Maybe ever’body in the whole damn world is scared of each other."
- John Steinbeck

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you."
- Yoda

"You can also commit injustice by doing nothing."
- Marcus Aurelius

People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. - Mark Twain

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh,  otherwise they'll kill you." Oscar Wilde

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.- Oscar Wilde

“An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.”
― Oscar Wilde

"We must imagine Sisyphus happy."
- Albert Camus

Action is the foundational key to all success.
Pablo Picasso

Confucius
He who knows all the answers has not been asked all the questions.

"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field."
-  Niels Bohr

The battle is taking place in our thinking. It's just a part of your 10 minutes of turbulence. It's not going to last. It may be chaotic, it feels stressful, but it's going to calm down. There's going to be an “after this” for you. If you stay in faith, and keep being your best you'll come out to after this. You did the right thing when it was hard. JOEL OSTEEN

In 1935 Alan Turing identified a problem computers would never be able to solve. Computers usually operate based on inputs and outputs but sometimes they can get stuck in infinite loops. Touring proved there's no way to tell when this will happen and he called it the Halting problem. Today we recognize it in the spinning wheel of death. In 1935 Quantum entanglement and Halting problem seem to have nothing to do with each other.
An interactive proof is a kind of logical interrogation method that models computation as the exchange of messages between two parties. A prover and a verifier. By asking the right questions and pitting your subjects against each other you can catch them in a lie or develop confidence that facts check out.
2020's Biggest Breakthroughs in Math and Computer Science

"You're disgusting. At least I'm honest". In come cases it is perfectly fine to offend someone if that leads to a good cause. A group can use their intolerance to ridicule unpopular opinions to silent people. For the sole person to hurt people and claim you did morally right thing is form of ethical rudeness.
Ethical Rudeness | The Philosophy of Mencius

 

Why are we getting offended? What's the root of this? Accept the truth,reject the nonsense. If someone offends you ask yourself if thing you feel offended by is the truth or nonsense.
How NOT to Get Offended(Stoic Wisdom for a Thicker Skin)
YT Einzelgänger

my YT comment:

"Words of other people cannot hurt us unless we let them."
That's the biggest misconception of humanity and this good meaning "advice" actually brings another layer of discouragement and inferiority already present inside.
The central issue is - there are people with PTSD issues and Cluster C disorders that do not operate from their (true) personality at all - so instead the fear personality is making decisions for them unconsciously - and therefore other people can hurt them no matter how much they logically try or not try to be hurt by letting others do anything. When you are under constant fight-flight-feeze mode of operating your life, you do not control anything, it seems like you do, and only the basic functions work or perhaps few more complex personalities tools that we can grab from the closed depths inside us. Higher and complex decisions such as evaluating on being hurt be other people then will not be subject to our persona, yet only by basic, emergency system which has no saying in what can hurt us or not.
This fear personality is the core of social anxiety blockage.

Things that you are familiar with are not working for you. Start making different decisions, new environments. Everything in your life needs to change. You are in rut because you are familiar.
Changing Your Trajectory

some people hold us back, some propel us forward. Drama queens violate the primary rule of good relationship – balance of give and take. The person you have failed to please hundred times before. They will never going to appreciate or even notice your efforts. Always find opportunity when you cant please slightest of their demands. Deal with your feelings – why you want to please them? Fear of criticism, guilt. Asset your priorities, you automatically say yes, feel obligated. Consciously stop and think about it. Speak up for what you want. Nay sayers – redirect them – not looking for their input. Tell them you'll take their opinion in consideration and let them know. Show facts, not opinion. Avoid self blame, you may feel inadequate or even blame yourself for not satisfying manipulator. Remember you are not problem, you are manipulated to feel bad about yourself. Stubborn, who insist you should be someone else. Perform to those labels. It is better to be disrespected for who you are and than being respected for who you are not.
How To Ignore People
YT  Philosophies for Life

2,400 year-old skeleton mosaic in Turkey that says: 'Be cheerful, enjoy your life'

The most certain sign of wisdom is continual cheerfulness
 Michel de Montaigne

(14.3.2020)

How it feels to have social anxiety? - it is actually as huge, black transparent veil around the body. It is similar to the Travolta's movie "The Boy in the Plastic Bubble" (1976) - as if there is protection plastic wall that prevents you from reaching out, from touching and experience anything external. It is transparent so it is not noticable, yet it is extremely limiting. It is safe, yet suffocating in the same time. It provides life yet it stops from living.

Toxic people who are cranky feel like - making fun of you when you do something for the first time, or something you still don't have skills to do. It is about criticizing you for something no one can know, especially for something no one showed you how to do it, and there will always be someone who is smart after the battle is over, how and what actions you should take to make it work. It is as if you are expected to know the span of 10 years of a work in the first week of your new job. That is impossible. Of course, you will make mistakes and you need to ask where something is or how it is done. Cranky people perhaps were ashamed themselves so they provide the same treatment to easy targets so they can vindicate themselves by destroying innocent people. Healthy personality would at least defend itself by alarming such jerk what they are doing. Perhaps, they do not do it for aggressive motives, perhaps they simply are not aware what damage they create. In any case, it would be helpful they are informed even though due to ego they will respond negatively and dismissively, but at least you warned them. Warnings are spikes. They carry energy, it is the same energy we feel with social anxiety when we feel the pain of it and not register it as spike, but something unknown and dismissive as unimportant. By not self censoring we protect ourselves, our boundaries, our confidence. The alarm system entails cutting ties with aggressor forever, so the punishment if they continue is severe. This is why assertiveness in most cases with real disrupt toxic people assertiveness is not working - since such people are not willing to listen to your side, your needs. They turn their back and walk away or mock you in order to shut you up. So your message does not gets sent off. You can talk, keep talking, it is your power. Shame the behaviour, shame their shamful actions, not them as core being, since this is their narcissistic toxic tool of annihilation try.

It' easy to draw the conclusion that  managing social anxiety must contain being skillful in handling criticism. The general idea is that I become aware my nervous system is irritated due to imagined or real criticism, and therefore  I am now in fear persona - without me being aware of the personality switch. And if I am successful in picking up the scattered pieces of my true personality from the floor and using as much as I can to get back to myself again, I will respond naturally to the stressors/trigger. The fear personality means my basic system has no resources for efficient response. I am also afraid if I react aggressively, I will - and probably would - hurt them and regret later. The trigger (someone's small or big criticism) appears to me as coordinated, pre-planned attack, that it is done on purpose to hurt me and harm me, it feels directed at and against me. Mostly it is imagined, I know. Being aware of this, I can very easily deal with imagined criticism - by not waiting and ruminating since I have no real  threat. The harder task is firefighting real criticism that comes out of people I came in contact with. If repeated, I must react by alarming and alerting the person, it is the only way. And abandoning them if they do not change their inconsiderate tactics.

Crèvecœur, TWITTER: Remember; in a world of the unforgiven you too are not forgiven.

My YT comment on video
What’s CODEPENDENCY And How To Heal It Quickly! [4 Steps]

I have been following codependency topic over you tube for 3, 4 years. This is the first time it is explained in full and it makes sense, I understand it now completely. Many messages, sentences surprised me, I have outlined a few of them below.
Thank you so much for this video message! this is it, this is the ultimate help for codependency explained here.
This one sentence hit the core of my relentless, irrational, 20+ years fear of rude people:
"I ask  them (codependents) have you noticed that you are also taking advantage of other people because you're actually relying on them to feel good about themselves."
This is mind blowing and it shines the light to dark hidden area.
I would like to comment this sentence:
"codependent has an extreme focus outside of them"
This is something I realized very late (struggling with fears for 30+ years) that I was doing unconsciously. In my case, it is feeling of being zoomed in, being standing an millimeter from a person. and my eyes are open and glued to person in microscopic way. I noticed I do this, but yet I had no idea how to unglue. I had no idea that this is actually how I give my power and I externalize my worth. I explained it as being empath, I am automatically connected with everyone, so it is even a good thing...
OMG; talk about 2nd chakra bellow belly button. I have beer belly problem ever since childhood and I cannot get rid of it, it got worse and worse after I turned 20 even though I do not over-eat and I am not overweight yet it is bloated, with the peak just below the belly button. The doctor told me it is just filled with air, as I got worried it might be something serious. This relentless issue makes full sense now!
"Express creativity" - i literally started to draw one week ago, it came to me out of the blue, something that I always secretly wanted but I never tried it out. I even bought a book how to draw 10 years ago, but i never read it or try it out, until now.
This one made me cry:
"Realize you are valuable in yourself just as you are right now whether you are saving someone or not."
For me healing is focused on social anxiety, another issue that is related to codependency, since it is relationship disorder. It it realizing that social anxiety is being constantly triggered in basic survival mode without me being aware, and thus I get into fear personality, instead of normal mode of psychological safety. So the healing would be being aware I get pricked on other people spikes non-stop, without being aware and that I lose my persona (personality that will alert and alarm rude people, which is the core problem of social anxiety). Being aware I am working in safe mode, I can actively look for my true personality traits that have the package of skills, words, decisions and thoughts that I need for living. Also third step is actively seek to expose as much as I can and avoid avoidance. I realized social anxiety means I need to be firefighter and extinguish the fire almost on daily basis, the fires that I cannot see, yet they do happen and create chaos inside me. The fire would be imagined or real any slight negative reaction from others, even minuscule ones.This not being able to recognize this damage is social anxiety. Then, anyone slightly rude is devastating to me.

Though now and again, I'm aware that my candid opinion may sting. Though often my frank observation might scald...
film MAME (1974)

(15.3.2021)

I must make this distinction clear enough. Without fear personality (persona when I am triggered by almost anything and often not being aware I was triggered), I would be able to overrun someone complaining. I would be able to talk, interact, negotiate, go with the flow instead. Fear personality is creating hate, chaos based on my imagined personal attack directed against me.

Trigger of someone being nit-picker means they are beating the dead horse. Nit-picking such as complaining about a task that is over and done but it was not done perfectly. Example: they complain for not stopping the car at the exact spot they imagined. Or trying to explain them why you go this exact route that may be a little bit longer (in order to avoid possible train crossing waste of time on stop). The explaining would be rumination - something I learned to do in my head, since I was exposed to such examinations over something that cannot be changed because it happened and it is over.

And when you have some realization about something, I notices it could be start of delusion or maybe you wake up to something new. In either case, you explain reality to yourself. The problem is you might unintentionally add a false text and then end up with a false narrative. Kinda like a virus strain infiltrating inside the body, and the body not recognizing it as threat. Then this can end up with over-reaction, something that can make damage, not the virus (false part of text) as itself.

The message of social anxiety would be being a good example to others. A good role model. You do not complain. Don't criticize. Ask if you are demanding. Or warn it is not personal if you want to clear something out. Don't attack others, only their behaviour. Glasser made very clear difference between those two.

If I avoid, I hurt other people who are good because they need my support, my encouragement. Or I hurt them by simply not being with them. This is the other reason why avoiding people is not good solution.

Problem with fear persona and triggers is that I am not aware I am in dark place. It seems normal. The indicator would be rude people (triggers) and how I react to them. If I react, if I feel fear, it is indicator that I am in dark place. I am running in safe mode, not operational system. I can't expect plethora of functions to work like this. In dark place I am feeling those toxic people hate me just for being there, existing as living being, which is delusion if I think all people think this way. It is a fact that toxic people hate someone successful. That is objective truth but to me it appears they hate me for the core being because I made mistake, some non-relevant blunder that is blown out of proportion of importance.

(16.3.2021)

My objections, holding something against someone, my own criticism, displeasure, grievance is  poison. They cloud my judgement. They appear as righteous and deserving, and perhaps they are. But they could be expressed in kind way or at least in a nice package, as gentle as it is possible considering the situation and the opposing side. Otherwise, I would regret it later, when it is too late - I will forgive trespasser all transgressions if someone close to me die and you have no chance to smooth something totally irrelevant in the grand scheme perspective. Not only that - I know personally how much it hurts even the small criticism, so therefore I should know the best what kind of damage this creates, grudges only keep the poison alive.

Sensitive people notice even the smallest trigger. The butterfly effect states that even the smallest change in the system creates huge result later, chaos. Therefore, being sensitive to smallest triggers is noticing the butterfly in its origin, point zero, stemming where it springs from. That's a huge thing. We are indicators of radiation, where toxic and deadly radiation cannot be noticed by regular senses. If we nip it in the bud, we prevent future damage and consequently a series of catastrophes!

Subconsciously we know this but we are not aware why we respond to unkindness so deeply. So we may try to people please, it is done in compulsion, not for altruism, it is command, automatic, all the time, frantically ("in a hurried, excited, or disorganized manner."). And also inferiority develops, since people cannot be changed by other people neither we should try, it is disrespectful. It is like knowing your child may hurt itself and you try to watch over 24/7 without taking care of any other need, only through observation. Therefore, people pleasing is not healthy. It has noble goal and intention but it can cause damage in the end. Being HSP, very sensitive person, I am enough as I am. Being kind is enough. I do not need to over-extend myself and go much further. If I get skillful in my criticism and alarming the people who trespass, that is enough and sensitive people do this naturally, we do not need special training as the most people need. So I do not need to share any private detail in order to gain someone's approval or pity. I think I am afraid of other people harming me, but I am actually afraid of something unbeknown, cloud of anxiety and fear that stems from their innocuous rude reaction that may or may not hurt me personally. I do not need explicitly show or force it up for people to like me and to please them. If I don't yell, it's enough. I don't have to be being nice to people who are not nice to me. I can keep distance from unkind people and go extra mile for simply to do it out of being nice. It is as if I am preparing ceremonial lunch for people who do not need ceremony, they will be fed enough by ordinary lunch. My ceremony should be reserved for people who are kind and nice to me and I know they care for me yet I take them for granted and serve them leftovers from banquet I throw to ungrateful people just to sooth them and their temper. Problem is some people appear not nice, but in reality they are simply afraid but display it as aggression and showing off. The only way is to observe and talk it out, to see what we are dealing with, there is high chance of misunderstanding, not personal attack, depending on a situation. Maybe something is bothering them, something unrelated and I am not aware of it and it appears as personal attack.

Toxic people problem is that I put my energy on them and in the same time I neglect good people who need my attention and resources that I spend on toxic people's outcries and whining. Toxic people by not being nice, by pushing my triggers make me focus my 100% attention on them, and I neglect others, someone who is deserving of my time, energy and love. There are good people who help me but I focus by being over-extending to toxic rage to calm it down by being pushover and people pleaser, by self censorship, by not involving in any conflict, by rumination and thinking what I can do for them. This is all waste of time and energy spend in wrong direction. Perhaps the only energy spend on toxic behaviour should be the time spend thinking and analyzing whether this person is intentionally evil or in distress yet  - displaying toxic behaviour due to stress? I need to spend my energy, time and love with good people. If I cannot discern evil people, I can warn them of precautions if they can't calm down and communicate with me in orderly fashion, with minimum decency and respect, if they do not observe and display mutual respect. "If I do not yell at you, why you yell at me?" Tell them to stop. Repeat, stop it.

I can be told the ultimate advice, it can be explained to me what is the best solution for any problem. But I do not receive it. The teacher will come when student is ready. I do not receive it because of the veil, black transparent thick veil around my body, it is almost like a black magic, a curse. Or it is like boy in plastic bubble. I cannot touch, I see everything around me in my environment slightly distorted due to transparent plastic. I do not see clearly because of it. So I also do not associate good, I see only threat from others, triggers make me see only attack and aggression and hate from others. Their shame appears the same to me, as one wave of negative energy. If I am aware that there might be something good, I could try to look and investigate is it all energy all the time, with every individual, in any situation, on each occasion. Trigger makes me shut up and it immobilize me, it makes me self-censor so I cannot explore, I do not try, I do not talk, I do not discuss, I only allow without borders to over flow me. My words are my barriers, my boundaries. I can discover only through communication and learning about the other side what is going on really. Hiding away and avoiding is not the solution. Exposing to rude cranky people and in the same time not to warn and alert them if they exaggerate and behave aggressively to me, while in the same time they also appear responsive and ready to listen, it would be a crime not to use this channel of communication and simply alarm them of what they are doing is wrong. They might reply I am over sensitive. Repeat it. The warning will infect them with truth with time, after they realize I am not aggressive and I do not want to exploit them or do any harm to them at all. Or they take me for granted and expect I will be always around them whenever they wish as they wish.

So managing social anxiety would be not only to calm myself down. I need to calm other people down to, but only those worthy of "saving". So I need to identify good people hidden beneath toxic behaviour or triggers that sting me so I interpret it as attack. If they are good, my calming down will help them in their own process of leaving fear persona so that they could with time draw true identity, their true personality back to life. Social anxiety is signal for me: "Who is worthy of my attention?"

Calming down my fear persona: I tell myself they don't hate me. Someone rude will feel ashamed and sorry afterwards for their outbursts. Later they will feel sorry for how they behaved (even they will never ever admit it).

(17.3.2021)

Social anxiety management would be not only about fear and fear persona, panic, it is also to force myself to reconnect, to push against my inertia, to restart interaction with old, known contacts whom I have no grudges against and there is no objective reason not to say hello to them.

The devastating impact of social anxiety is self involvement, being trapped what seems as my choice but it is not. It is like black veil around me, a shell, a cocoon. And to others I would appear self indulgent while I battle inside with imagined and real hurt that hurts so bad and confusing, trying to make sense of the storm within and not being able to focus on people who love me, help me and shelter me, and in the end it's me who is taking for granted, because I do not interact with them, I do not show interest or make clear observation how I feel about their support.

The trouble with social anxiety is that you feel hurt by everyone all the time, and it only depends in what intensity and at what level of paranoia it shows up inside us. Mostly is very mild and this is also great problem - because you do not notice it, you do not notice the damage by logic and even it is not noticeable physically especially if anxiety lasts for 20+ years. Panic attack symptoms such as racing heart or disgust in stomach vanish and get rooted inside, hidden. Yet it still creates the damage. The damage is in subconsciousness. The damage is not being able to see clearly the world and anything around you, because you lose your personality, it is replaced with basic safe mode personality of fear. So the trouble is that in such condition, instead of making connections with people, all people are labelled as dangerous. This is the most devastating effect: you lose connection with people who love you unconditionally and you are not aware that they love you and want to be with you and make connection deeper with you. Instead you are focused within, on your deep fears that never stop. You do not look up and see. Imagine if such person dies and you never have chance to tell them you love them because of your fears that will seem irrelevant once they are gone. You are prevented from meeting new people and forging new connections. All people appear annoying, it only depends on what level and intensity. You cannot give love unconditionally because you are keep being triggered. Someone might trigger you and you direct your anger at innocent people - just because you didn't firefight yourself to calm state. From the calm state we can try to retrieve our soul back, shattered pieces of our true persona. If we are not aware we are been triggered all the time, over small, irrelevant annoyances, we'll lose ourselves and live only on basic life supply. I do not need to explain what damage real toxic attacks does, when someone is explicitly rude and aggressive. Yet, there is silver-lining when toxic people are not imagined - you can fight it back, you can talk, explore to see what is going on, you have at least some kind of possibility of feedback, depending on your queries. The imagined attack is worse, since it is also done on auto-pilot, but we are the ones who can be aware and seek what is going on, and draw objective conclusions about the threat instead of auto-pilot. On auto-pilot you do not ruminate too much, you just respond and then ruminate about the response, not the ways how to deal with the source and think better response in the future. It is about being aware of threat and then fighting cognitive distortions. Social anxiety makes us stop connections and interactions with people in general and people who are not toxic appear overwhelming to us to socialize with. And they need our help, our advice, our company. We are focused within, self involved, dealing with fears, not realizing there is storm within that developed through the day as reaction to small events and that we operate from fear persona, not realizing we need to haul good persona back to life, so it will be able to socialize.

MY YT COMMENT:

I never understood when someone would said "do not waste time on toxic people", since my life is pretty boring and I have plenty of time when I have free time and nothing urgent to do. Last week I found out. I understand now when a good person is gone forever what they meant to say about 'time wasting on wrong people'. I could spend energy, time on people who I took for granted and in the same time they mean the world to me.

Maybe I am wrong, but it seems to me you are very sensitive as I am. (HSP) If so, we will feel attacked all the time, real or even imagined. Any slightly negative comment will hurt us as if someone attack us physically. I learned that recognizing this strong impact on me helps to understand what is going on when around people. I simply have to be aware and to calm down in any people situation that appear as standard / normal to everybody else (for example some person's words, complaining, yelling) and with fast action of soothing myself in such daily situation, my normal persona will rise back from ashes, and everything will flow naturally once I am back to myself (this coming back to my normal mode includes taking actions such as kicking out / phasing out toxic people out of my life - without hassle or struggle, experience & intuition finds the way how to react).

Sensitive people are people in constant panic without realizing we have panic attack in outdoor situations , and we perceive the world through panic- we see attack and aggressive but without realizing it as attack and aggressive. So we fail to active calming down sequence and we run in safe mode - and then we wonder why normal functions do not operate...

 

 My YT comment:

Yeah, this what you said:
"Respond to someone threaten you, to emotional trigger, be aware to observe, respond in calmer way."
This is the central issue for social anxiety. We get triggered (by real or imagined social events) but we are not aware at all that we are threatened. Every day events appear as regular, normal and usual (someone slightly criticize us, respond in what appears to us negative way) but inside there is huge storm as reaction to this  - without us being aware of this storm at all. Others might label us as 'snowflakes' and 'vulnerable' but we are simply indicator machines for toxic people. We get triggered all the time and we do not calm down, we stay alerted and stressed - until someone openly aggressive, rude comes along, and then we do notice the trigger, but the snowball effect of small hidden fears from before makes the impact devastatingly scary for us. So being aware we are triggered to small pet-peeves in social settings and we operate from fear persona all the time, instead of our true persona, and the calming down is the way for dealing with social anxiety. From our calm state we can re-activate our true persona back to life in order to deal with narcissistic toxic jerks that scare us so much and live, be active and focus on good to people instead of being focused within, feeling threaten all the time.
I think this not being aware of the trigger don't hang around onto social anxiety folks. I think toxic people, especially those who are not aware they are annoying, also have their storms inside, but instead of being afraid of people, they respond by attacking people, sarcasm, displaying irritation, being rude...
Soren Kierkegaard said: "The most common form of despair is not being who you are." 

MY YT COMMENT:

Different perspective: being objective to "very loud and angry" behaviour is not and has nothing with femininity. It is about trauma and psychology. Glasser has divided human behaviour to: 1) nagging-complaining-controlling versus 2) negotiation-interdependency.
People become pushover not because you are assertive, but because you get triggered by rude people. Rude people are sick in the head and they are not aware they are mentally ill. They spread mental instability and no one notices this. "Pushovers" is normal reaction to abnormal behaviour.
We have only one life. We have only one chance. Will we create friends, express our inner potential and creativity - or will we self-censor when someone very loud and angry appears? It is about Large spoon allegory - we help each other. You can't help if you yell and if you are angry, if you criticize and nitpick. Being general after the battle and patronize others is annoying, irritating and not constructive. Females know this by instinct, this is why they insist on peace, they know well-being is the goal, not de-emasculation.
Being assertive is not being demanding and in the same time expecting your expressed needs to be met. Being assertive is when you express your needs without expecting the other side will respond to it. It is about alarming, alerting the other person - in kind and considerable way.
Example - Someone cuts you in traffic. The right action would be to vote for political party that will sanction aggressive drivers by taking away their driving license - such as Germany has this law. Without license, psychopaths will have less job opportunities and managerial positions. It is all linked, we just need not to be very loud and angry, calm down and operate from calm down personality. The right actions will come naturally. 

(18.3.2021) 

Why removing fear persona and hauling the good persona is important concept? It's because we could be told externally (from someone outside) step by step how to deal with life problems, social fears, the problem is our mind - but we forget in 48 hours whatever we've learned. If we know we have the collection of advice and instructions already present inside us, and it is closed and buried because of safe mode persona, all we have to do is to calm down, in order to get rid of fear persona and the answers will come naturally. When we abolish self-censorship we do not need to read numerous text articles, books, spend time and energy on it and live our lives fully, depending on our inner resources, it is hidden like water on Moon and Mars, underneath the basic, barren exterior. If we know we get triggered on almost anything around us, we can be prepared to actively calm ourselves and focus our life on being active instead of avoiding and hiding as usual response to everything. With true persona we will get aware who are good people and we will avoid exploiters without feeling guilty, because we know how good people are valuable and they want, need and deserve our time and energy. As oppose to spending ourselves to please people in general.

From spiritual perspective, when you lose someone dear forever, you realize your feelings of annoyance, irritation are irrelevant. Also, feelings that keep you away from being in contact with person that is now gone are also making you hypnotized and keep focus away from you. That what triggers do to sensitive people. Rude, aggressive behaviour keeps our focus in wrong direction and we are not aware we are being distracted. So if we keep rumination, and thus we develop toxic anger - which means cognitive distortions such as generalization and seeing everything through negative prism, we will be kept away from light, good people and correct path and health. Therefore, the hate, irritation, annoyances, fears, panic are all signs of us being triggered and in the same time a weapon of hurting us and preventing us from love. Two suggestions I picked in past one year to deal with this issue is 1) imagining black hole in our subconsciousness - and we visualize filling this hole with love. 2) instead of going to intrusive path of thinking negative, contemplating revenge and flaming the hate, instead of all these imagine sending love to the perpetrator. This does not mean we let go and forgive in a way to pretend the attack never happened, it means we get aware this is trigger, and look whom we forget out of our sight that is good to us and who needs our love and support and the most importantly, our focus.

Which leads to the following conclusion. Being triggered is superpower. We are not aware we have these powers that while other people are clueless and walk in the dark, we see in the dark, we see other dimensions. That's why it hurts, we bumped on negative energy, that usually kills silently without people noticing it, like deadly radiation. We are even being trained/brainwashed/prevented to notice we were triggered, so we stay asleep, in coma, and never live life fully, showing people who we care about how much we love them. Powers of our panic over rudeness and unkindness are:

• detection of fake people
• signal to notice hate - black magic as thick veil over us disabling us from focus
• signal to turn attention away from toxic people, try to ignore them as soon and as much as possible, and re-discover to connect back to good people
  
• signal to stop hasty decision and evaluate people and situation before making as much as objective judgement in peace without rumination and inner critic as judges
• removing self-censorship and speaking out what we think from calm mode interrogates and picks up the virus in other people, other's people veil that keeps them in distortion
• it is shock, a jolt that makes us realize what is important in life - achieving harmony in relationships, not grabbing money
  

There are children who just cant deny that they are frightened, or that they are recognizing that something is wrong.
This person (parent) is suppose to show you are enough. That allows you to find your identity
YT How Being Raised by a Narcissist Damages Your Life and What You Can Do/ Lisa A. Romano

MY YT COMMENT:

I've read about fight-flight-freeze response so many times in so many books ever since 1996, , but it never ever was explained in the articles nor I connected the fact that I am being triggered all the time, since I am very sensitive.. and my body goes into these responses automatically - without me knowing about it. So I would shut myself down and avoid to deal with feelings and emotions and people, I'd hide away as reaction to anxieties and fears. And I wouldn't label it as flight response, because I wasn't aware at all I do this avoidance because of flight response, it seemed as normal thing to do, something regular, not something that is dangerous mentally in the long term. Constant stress is not healthy itself, not only unhealthy response in form of avoidance. I have read advice about importance of being active, facing fears, but what I didn't know all these time about the fact that my identity and personality was working in basic mode all the time, at half capacity. I thought it was normal to be inferior, I was convinced I am idiot, that something is wrong with my by default, that I cannot do things as other competent people do, that this is my only identity - to feel not being able to do anything or that I had capacity to talk with people and face life problems. I would feel relentless toxic shame and inner criticism every time I was outside. What I didn't know I was having wrong persona all the time inside me and my true persona was locked and hidden away from me due to constant flight response. I didn't know there is my own personality inside that is not afraid, that is friendly and has capacity to face life. I didn't know my task is to firefight stress response and then haul back to life my true persona out of darkness, piece by piece... 

(20.3.2021)

If we are aware of our thoughts, we detach from belief that we are our thoughts and emotions. Then, we can be less ego centric. This would break off resentments and hate and being bothered and annoyed by small, irrelevant pet peeves that do not matter at all in grand scheme, and instincts would have less power over our goals, decisions and current focus. This awareness is actually breaking off our role. We all have roles like actors and we play on stage all the time, without us being aware of this actor business we are managing and auto-pilot it through life. The more we are aware, the more calmer we can replace basic, safe mode fear personality with our true identity that has the right decisions in it, instead of fear personality that has tunnel vision and limited choices and decisions. Perhaps I am wrong, but maybe when we die, our true personality will win over and we'll have much easier perspective over all annoyances, resentments and irritations in our life. Perhaps our goal in life is to break those auto-pilot acting job role, and be example for others, helping them and turn attention to long spoon allegory as the only way that is the correct one. It's as if we are here on Earth to learn the lesson of long spoon allegory that is related to ourselves and our environment, our mentality.

OR
we actually wake up by realizing it is our task to take our own role that is written for us from above, not from our fears and people pleasing and other people expectations, - and to discover that what the true role for us really is. Our destiny to fulfill. Instead of living on auto-pilot, automatically, we realize we have a task to do as person who will act in certain way, tell certain way that is different than usual, automatic default way of responding to life through fears, anxieties.
Perhaps if I am triggered by rude people, my mission (acting job) is to clean the dirt. Not by being codependent as I explained myself subconsciously, by people pleasing and being pushover in order to calm their anger, and give into their wants and needs automatically, yet through kind response, assertive response and intelligent reply, showing respect and knowledge about knowing they just act their own role based on fear instead of their true personality. Some people are not educated. It is not my job to force and change them, yet if they interact with me by yelling and screaming - I could interpret this aggressive attack as cry for help and asking me for advice, that I must package cleverly enough so it appears attractive, sugar coated and informative in the same time and package it with guarantee I am not here to exploit or hurt them.

If we as sensitive codependent empaths stay focused within, trying to find out why our anxieties and fears happen and from where they spring from, we might also be in actor role without being aware we are following the script already written for us. This is why we need to be aware what is going on, be aware that our triggers are here to keep us from knowing our true identity and stay camouflaged in fear personality, as thick yet transparent black veil over our body. Other people without codependent sensitive issues are governed by their anger and will to rule over other people, they too act and they are not aware they are actors, so we can't blame them from this perspective or punish them severely for their wrongdoings. Alarm and alert hurt them so much because by our words we scratch off their own veil, and this is why they wants us to shut up, be avoidant and censor us, belittle us or create toxic shame, so that we never speak up and talk about this.

Codependents will sense other people energy, sense that someone is upset and then go right into trying to fix why this person is upset.
Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.

(23.3.2021)

Social Anxiety could lead to spiritual awakening, just as any illness. It forces us to think about life, what is really important  in life. The purpose of managing mental distortions is to detach from intrusive thoughts. Trying to be as much as objective instead of being on auto-pilot, being blind and not seeing what is really going on, to look under the hood. If I do not self censor myself I can discover and validate my perceptions. Rude and aggressive people are irritated by the truth so they will try to shut me up, making me more scared, force me into hiding and avoidance, just so they do not feel uncomfortable truth spoken by me. They are ill, so they want to stay ill and make other people ill in the process of hiding from the truth. Shedding light into dark areas exposes the corruption and what is wrong and what needs fixing. Aggressive people will not tell it like that, they will be rude and personal in order to shut other people up. So speaking up, is the way to confront people, it is courageous act. I can express myself by stating opinion objectively, so I do not appear as complainer, someone who is nagging or criticizing the other people. Such courageous act and perform it kindly is spiritual.

Also, social anxiety is interesting from the spotlight effect perspective. Hawthorne effect, The Observer Effect. Here, social phobia displays the same type of behaviour as seen in quantum particles during Double split experiment. We act differently when we are observed. With or without social anxiety people are impacted by being observed. With social anxiety this acting differently act is highlighted even more. Everything seems much more important than it really is, it appears to us magnified, while later when it is all over, it doesn't even matter what happened. It doesn't even matter much later, when someone who we loved is gone forever, so this too changes our priorities. A realization hits us that a good person has a way much higher rank of our energy focus than some random rude and aggressive stranger. We also have a different feelings and emotions when we are alone (psychological safety) then in a group of nervous people, feeling their emotions as empaths do. Instead of engaging in social interaction, social anxiety is breaking our "acting role" of life and we break our role, we do not perform our tasks, yet we are highly aware of being watched over and analyzed by others. It is as if we are aware we live in a matrix where our every move is being filmed and later it will be discussed by some unknown entity, frame by frame.

verywellmind.com:
The spotlight effect is a term used by social psychologists to refer to the tendency we have to overestimate how much other people notice about us. In other words, we tend to think there is a spotlight on us at all times, highlighting all of our mistakes or flaws, for all the world to see.

Let's add narcissists into all this. They create spotlight effect because they thrive on positive attention, to be seen and observed as divine beings. We know what we focus on lives, what we turn our back fades into darkness and it is forgotten. If we have a good person in our life, we would focus naturally on that person, give them our energy and time. Toxic people will steal our focus, so that they are taken care of and observed all the time. So instead of talking with good people, we end up worrying and being panicked over toxic people - thus giving the wrong people our energy. Let's say our existence in our lifetime is positive, we care for people and how we show up in the world. Us being there, just existing and spending time with people who are good - will get interrupted by toxic people. Codependents are doing this on auto-pilot, they put their time and energy on other people, entire focus is external. This attracts narcissist who need easy targets that will provide them with time and energy. This needs to be stopped. Toxic, negative people need to be alarmed and alerted of their wrong ways and avoided. Good people need to be the one who we spend time with, it is wrong to avoid and hide away and thus we hurt people who need us if we are not there for them, not talking to them, exchanging opinions and observations with them. Social anxiety might be signal that there is imbalance, that we put out our time and energy either in avoiding or in toxic, negative people instead of people who are good to us and whom we take for granted. From this perspective, managing social anxiety is a spiritual awakening, it is about us becoming more thoughtful people, less ego-centric.

Now, let's get back to spotlight effect as showcase for us breaking our acting role. Erik Erikson said that our life task is accepting our identity. Our identity might be something we do not like so therefore we are aware of faults. We are aware of what is wrong with other people as well, in tiniest detail as some extremely small, innocuous sign of irritation and annoyance. We notice it and we end up with social anxiety. So if life is like a movie, which other people are unaware that they are actors in it, social anxiety is like us being able to wake up from dream and becoming aware we are on stage. What we feel as fears, anxiety, panic, uncomfortable sensations and intrusive thoughts are actually ability to hear stage whisperers. It is something similar to this surreal dinner scene from the movie "The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie" (1972) by Luis Buñuel:

While other people go on with their role during the day, we have ability to notice the parts when other people decisions will take the butterfly effect moment - and change the direction of life making new timelines. We notice that slight irritations, annoyances affect human mind and future. We are acutely aware of this occurrences and we interpret it as danger. We have ability to notice the parts when other people decisions take new direction. Probably all people have this ability, but with social anxiety this is extremely noticeable due to stress activated inside the body. We have ability to hear stage whisperers behind the scene of what appears to us as everyday life. With time, people will naturally leave the toxic people and environment and seek stability. This leads to separation: on one side we have people who create harmony and think twice how their behaviour will affect other people around them, and on the other side there are people who create chaos, and are saluted due to their energy and force - which in long term causes damage, which will be observable only after long time has passed. Good people will leave bad people, and narcissists try to stop this by engaging people in fear, non resolvable arguments, gaslighting. Let's add ego-centric idea into all these. Children trapped in adult bodies will crave only for pleasing their needs, with rudeness and force, and that is ego-centric. Interdependence and helping others, being kind is better option and is less ego-centric but highly disapproved in modern world focus on money and personal gain and narcissism. It is seen as weak and poor, especially in poor, backward countries. But in the end, what does matter really. You cannot carry money with you in the other world. Instead of trying to be admired by others by forcing them their energy from them, it would be wiser to create something lasting that will help people. Encouraging others works better, makes people feel good. When you feel good, you make better decisions that are less destructive. Social anxiety forces sensitive people to become aware of all this process, it breaks our acting role and forces us to step back and think what is really important in life. Instead of being afraid and being focused on rude, aggressive people, healthy approach to social anxiety symptoms would be trying to detach from situation. Instead of being reactive to problems and issues, look at it from further perspective. Social anxiety symptoms try to tell us this but we misinterpret it as something unknown, with toxic people exploiting these fears of unknown by forcing us to be focused on them during anxiety panic attacks. We would act differently without social anxiety. We would make decisions that are different than when we are in a state of emergency. Our life would lead in different direction without fears and anxiety. It doesn't necessarily means that this anxiety-free direction would be better if we hurt others all our life while we achieve our goals. If there is after-life, we will be judged if we exploit others. If we are being prepared here on Earth for an after-life, than we can use life as training ground to become better people and make smarter, more intelligent decisions than those that we would make otherwise, on auto-pilot. With social anxiety we are aware that annoyances, irritations, rudeness create disorder in long term. Therefore we can display and show up without those in social settings. We can be example to people on auto-pilot how to handle argument without yelling and screaming. We can be example for other fearful people to encourage them not to self-censor. Social anxiety really tells us that making career, accumulating wealth and having spectacular body are all amazing achievements, but what matters at the end of the day is how we treat each other and ourselves. Be kind. It is that simple.

(24.3.2021)

When I say that Social anxiety is Rosetta Stone for other disorders, it means that it comes down to action as something healthy and inactivity as sickness. Avoidance is not disorder itself, it is prolonged avoidance that is making damage. If someone is violent, it is natural and normal to avoid this person instead of staying with them or pretending there is no problem. However if I avoid good and bad people altogether, if I refrain from making my dreams come true, if I avoid going out and thus devoid caring and taking care of my needs, than this is sickness too. Staying in one place, stagnation, not moving is sickness. Because hiding away does not produce living conditions, and interdependence as highest form of our inner growth means we need people and seek good people out there and make relationships, no matter how small or at low intensity. That is not easy, but we all have our role and the only way to act is to accept our acting role and get back on the stage. Rude and aggressive people, real or imagined, tries to make us hide away and stagnate in order to make their job easier. It seems to us like we are safe when we avoid everything and everyone, but hiding is also risk itself and it creates damage in the long term, even though is seems comfortable and nice to us. Psychopaths and people with low empathy have no idea their rude behaviour and crossing boundaries impact negatively other people. Their best targets are people who avoid confrontations. Without alarm and alert, people are allowed to do anything they wish, especially if they have no inner breaks and conscience or awareness what they are really doing. Self-censorship and not talking back, not expressing my opinions and needs is a form of avoidance. It is unhealthy coping mechanism we learned during trauma and at the time it was the only available choice. So what happens if we dare and get courage and go out there - a rude and aggressive, toxic people will make fun of us, mock and pick on our mistakes, criticize and nag about some mistake we done, something that we done for the first time without skills and experience, since we avoid since childhood and have no idea how it is done. Do it again, repeat it. Ignore toxic person as much as possible, alarm and alert when they go through extremes, avoid and leave them if unbearable, but do it again. Seek and find ways how to be and stay in motion.
Which brings back to social anxiety. Uncomfortable feelings we get with people we interpret these emotions as danger. Fight and flight, freeze response activates, mostly without us being aware, and we freeze. It is now time to calm ourselves down automatically when dealing with people, realizing we have stress response even though we do not feel it. And try to engage into movement and our goals, making connections instead of automatic hiding. Not ignoring if we are annoyed by someone and tell ourselves we must stay with irritating people in order to "conquer" anxiety and to hang with them for this reason only. It is ok to avoid for certain instances and incidents. It is ok to stagnate if we do feel tired and need rest sometimes. If we are triggered by rude and aggressive people it is because we are codependent. We put our worth in other people and then their disappointing reactions hurt us. Due to fear we get focused on their anger and to soothing them, while we should zoom out and focus on good people who we take for granted and ignore in the process of engaging with toxic people. Very often social anxiety plagued by cognitive distortions makes me think in black and white, in catastrophic potential in any situation, so I imagine if I talk back, or if I encounter rude person that this is always the same scenario - this person is like all the others, sociopath to destroy me, chase me away. While in reality, many people have their own cognitive distortions and false narratives, intrusive thoughts that they battling and distorted perception in their own mind can only be enlightened by external information that as well may come from me. Instead of soothing and obliging the rude person, it would work better to alarm, alert and explain and sugar coat it with the truth - that I explain to them that I mean no harm to them. What might seem to us when someone is aggressive and angry and rude, obnoxious and loud that we get triggered into submission and inferiority, this person appears strong to us and righteous, competent and everything they say is ultimate truth. If we act from this perspective, they will love it and our distorted viewpoint will be reinforced by them. We take their words as orders. This pattern needs to be broken, it is not realistic, functional and healthy. Interdependence means we might be wrong and other person might be wrong. This means negotiating, not being in silence to appease them. If they cross our boundaries, we need to alarm them about it. Instead of automatic response of hiding and inferiority complex, stop and observe, check what is going on and if this person can be reasoned with. Instead of labeling them all the same as stubborn, check it out with query. Call them out on their behavior without losing temper. That is prescribed response by experts. It is normal to avoid aggressive people but if I find myself avoiding those people who are not damaging to me in any way, that is not healthy.

MY YT COMMENT:
Toxic people appear strong, confident, able yet are very aggressive and rude, obnoxious. Now I understand they display this rudeness in two modes: 1) as preemptive strike, when I make mistake they over-blow it, ashame me and expect perfection over anything I do, especially if it is done for the first time, without previous experience. and 2) they react extremely when I choose not to self-censor and when I speak truth, they go to full character assassination.
And as for the victim/target, it seems as if I am not good, non competent, weak, that I should shut up and never speak up, I should avoid, hide and serve, be obedient. Living with abusers creates the same effect as to abuser - we get triggered to rude, violent people in even slightest ways, many times not even understanding we are under stress. It creates codependency since I learned I must focus on temper tantrum of other people, they are my focus, this is where I spend all my energy and time and that I am not able to stand on my own.
This is dangerous. They literally create mental illness in their targets. They make victim immobile, defective, invalid, stagnate and not living fully. With suicide idealization as a way out, this is a grave danger potential.

The whole focus here are toxic, rude people. Yet, social anxiety is tricky. At the root of social anxiety is fear from rude and aggressive people, someone who attacks you, criticize you, ashame you. That is the worst case scenario. In most cases, nothing will happen. Nevertheless, the fear and anxiety will be present in social situation because we expect someone will ashame us. So, in reality, social anxiety appears to us as general, uncomfortable feeling. It does not appear as some stranger walking up to us and start yelling at us. This is only our core fear. Social anxiety appears as relentless feeling of doom in any social situation where we have to perform a task or is expected of us to perform some task that is or will be evaluated by others. So there might not be other people at all, since most of it is imagined or situations from the past. That is why it is hard to chase away anxiety with logic, anxiety is unknown. I would guess that most people are not aware they struggle with it, they have no knowledge neither they explore feelings that rise up in certain situations. While at the core of anxiety are toxic people who are giving us hard time through abuse. If we are not aware, we might feel uncomfortable feelings and shut down automatically without question asked, as learned response. We discontinue communication, we start up patterns of people pleasing and get into being pushover, go along with any demand from angry person, and especially sociopaths, narcissists who are on the lookout for sensitive, submissive and silent people like us. That is why it is important to calm down, assess the situation and understand our fear persona is in charge when we feel uncomfortable. In case of worst scenario, that is someone being rude and crossing boundaries, we alert and alarm them of how they are behaving, it is about being authentic, admit we're wrong, explain what we can do, mean no harm to others. If the other person is not sociopath, it will consider our demands and take it into consideration. Perhaps if we over-react, they will explain their point of view. Narcissists immediately dismiss our demands and make us feel guilty, they will accuse us of being over-reactive, yet they will not elaborate it. In this case, do not self-censor yourself, you know what to say, it is on the tip of our tongue, it is in the back of our head, we have words of defense if we are accused and judged unfairly. Also, we know anxiety makes us avoid, stop and stagnate. Always choose being active, in the movement, face it and expose. That will break avoidance pattern. Skills and confidence is buried in our true persona that will rise up as soon as we calm down and create psychological safety by alarming the other person or walking out if they do not stop abuse. To make it simple, dealing with social anxiety would be: do not hide, do not stagnate; calm down and assess the situation; be aware safe mode is turned on by even smallest triggers; safe mode means inferiority complex (self-censor) and codependency (zooming in to person that frighten us) is activated; after assessment of situation, re-activate true persona back to life - -being happy, carefree, friendly, inovative; alarm and alert rude obnoxious person; filter out toxic people, keep moving and be active.
When we calm down, we can naturally focus on good people who we take for granted (instead of being zoomed into cranky people) and we remember to do tasks we would otherwise forget, since we would be otherwise focused on fearful object.

When I'm stuck in problem, I just continually operate from that focused part of my brain, where I just demand that I keep figuring it out, that I keep focus until I figure it out. And that's working against it.
Harnessing Your Frustration for Problem Solving
YT
Joseph Michael

(26.3.2021)

Social Anxiety management is about being active for completing your tasks, exposure and movement, yet it is not about exposing ourselves to toxic people on purpose. It is healthy to minimize contact with people who are rude and aggressive, they do not deserve anyone attentions, since they feed off the attention and abusing their targets.

Social Anxiety is also having a problem with identifying. To identify we are under a threat. It is problem since mostly is it imagined threat so we cannot look into the source. The only way is to assure ourselves to get active and complete our tasks at hand. The real threat are also hard to identify. It seems to me this is because of activation of fear personality. In alarm state we cannot assess logically our situation and whom are we dealing with unless we are aware of "protocol" from before, we are prepared for critics and we can act accordingly, to assess the situation, alarm and alert if necessary, learn from mistake and apologize, admit if we did wrong knowing that mistakes are natural and it comes down to our core being - we do not intend or attack anyone, so we can remember to assure the other person of our peaceful nature and unwitting mistake, or if they are unreasonable, we can walk away, without being stuck in freeze response by fear personality. It is as if our body reacts to threat, yet our logic, mind is corrupted and it springs mental disorder and wrong response due to overwhelming fear. The other person appears as strong, valid and competent and we think they are completely wrong so we must self-censor and shut up, at the cost of hiding the truth and our view and our defense (Self-concealment). If the other person is rude, aggressive and over-reactive, they are not strong. They put on a mask, make pretend, because they feel deep shame, they conceal their incompetence. That is why they want us to shut up. Our questions, observations expose them as fake.

Social Anxiety paradoxes:

• Recovery. According to official resources, certain percentage of sufferers recover from social anxiety disorder, for example numbers are: ncbi 37% recovered, harvard 25%, ADAA survey 36%. Question is why the thoughts, mentality and perspectives of those recovered are not extracted in order to help others? If someone is no longer feel and act in uncomfortable situations as before, could they elaborate it in detail in order to help those who struggle with this disorder for decades? Perhaps the recovered cases are only for mild cases of shyness.
  

• Missing definitions. Social anxiety is similar to allergy or virus attack. The body sometimes either over-reacts or doesn't recognize the attack. If we over-think and fill ourselves with information (some of which is misleading, such as official articles about social anxiety), it will lead to analysis paralysis. However the right kind of information helps, I discovered I will calmer if I know what is going on and if I can identify what I am dealing with correctly. If I can label someone toxic, I can make actions to remove my presence and minimize contacts, instead of forcing contact in order to expose and make friends, as suggested by official medical articles about social phobia. CBT tried to find ways out of mental distress simply by using our thoughts. Therefore, I found out only after 20+ years the helpful information phrases and terms such as psychological safety, crab mentality, Glasser's connections, interdependence, PureOCD, inferiority complex, codependency, cognitive defusion, liberation psychology, ego-centric, The mere-exposure effect etc. Why these are held back from official articles, from people from mental health industry? These are highly relatable to social anxiety disorders, yet literally none of texts, articles, forums, and official descriptions do not mention them. After I found out about Complex PTSD (which entails avoidance and social anxiety) I realized that missing definitions are a sign that you are not fully diagnosed, you have not find what is the core problem, thus missing definitions. This can be applied to anything in life that remains mystery and incompletely scanned and never clearly defined.
  
• Past. What amazes me are "discoveries" through the years that helped people with issues. Conversely, how did people in 1950s deal with social anxiety? In 1850? If we discover that intrusive thoughts get worse if you intentionally say stop and trying to stop them, why this ignorance haven't lead to catastrophes in the past? The side effects would be much worse before if you do not know how to self regulate and work on stabilizing, becoming less reactive? Which leads to the next paradox.
• Other people. Everyone feels social anxiety (at least mild forms of shyness). How did the rest of population find the way to deal with stumbling blocks that people with disorder get stuck with? This could mean they held secrets with them or we are completely oblivious towards help. Perhaps we do not see, perceive and absorb enough or at all what the rest of population have no problem with. This could mean someone on purpose makes us focused on fear instead of goals. It could mean we are hypnotized. Or in coma, some parts of us that are normally active are in the state of coma inside us and thus making us blocked and blind. Perhaps our own rules and convictions stop us from healthy responses. It also draws conclusion that hanging with people is not nuclear science, it simply comes down to being active, being out there, hanging around, not as much to nitpicking, observing and be careful about every single movement, action, word or mistake.
  

The basic concept behind fear persona (Safe mode) and true persona (normal mode) is the realization there is nothing wrong with me. If I hold no negative intentions towards others, if my goal is good thought, good actions, good intent, it means I do not need to change. Social anxiety springs up from uncomfortable feeling of something being wrong with me, that I must change immediately, especially if someone is rude and ashaming me. This viewpoint is detrimental to self esteem and self confidence. Other person will pinpoint and accuse, but they only do it to deflect their aggression and hidden agenda that we tapped onto.

Sometimes it can be so subtle, that there is suffering occurring at subconscious level. For sensitive people that is really important thing to catch. We are doing so much just by processing our environments.
YT  Dr. Karen Lamb

MY YT COMMENT:

I do understand that selfish, rude, aggressive people are like parasites. They find and attach to target that is silent and easy to push around and they exploit, show their "strength", display their force - only on people who are good and kind and act in accordance to good etiquette. If your livelihood depends on them, I think this is also social issue, which should be regulated by law. Psychopaths should not be in any position of power and at any position in deciding about people's lives. Hopefully, this will be regulated in the future.
I do understand, until better world comes true, where people treat each other with respect, the only solution is filtering good and bad people and moving and transferring to better environment if alert&alarm defense mechanism is not applicable or not working...

"The real heroes anyway aren't the people doing things; the real heroes are the people NOTICING things, paying attention."
~ John Green

A freeze response is triggered when a person, realizing resistance is futile, gives up, numbs out into dissociation and/or collapses as if accepting the inevitability of being hurt. A fawn response is triggered when a person responds to threat by trying to be pleasing or helpful in order to appease and forestall an attacker.
A flight response is triggered when a person responds to a perceived threat by fleeing, or symbolically, by launching into hyperactivity.
These structures help children survive their horrific childhoods, but leave them very limited and narrow in how they respond to life. Even worse, they remain locked in these patterns in adulthood when they no longer need to rely so heavily on one primary response pattern.
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

Emotional flashbacks are intensely disturbing regressions [“amygdala hijackings”] to the
overwhelming feeling-states of your childhood abandonment. When you are stuck in a flashback,
fear, shame and/or depression can dominate your experience.
as Goleman’s work shows, amygdala hijackings are intense reactions in the emotional memory part of the brain that override the rational brain. These reactions occur in the brains of people who have been triggered into a 4F reaction so often, that minor events can now trigger them into a panicky state.
External triggers are people, places, things, events, facial expressions, styles of
communication, etc., that remind us of our original trauma in a way that flashes us back into the
painful feelings of those times. Sometimes all unknown adults can trigger us into fear even when there is no resemblance to our original abuser[s].
We can often find ourselves in a flashback without ever having seen the “flash.”
One common sign of being flashed-back is that we feel small, helpless, and hopeless. Another clue that we are in a flashback occurs when we notice that our emotional reactions are out of proportion to what has triggered them.
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

If we dump our negative feelings on others, they experience it as an attack forced to suppress, express, or escape the feelings; therefore, the expression of negativity results in the deterioration and destruction of relationships.
"Letting Go" by David Hawkins
 

There's no single big event. It was more like a constantly dripping tap. Imagine being poked and proded every single day.
 

Yet the body must be desensitized to threat, so that its alarms can slowly be turned off and so that it may return to the daily routine. So it will keep running over terrible details selectively, or performing meaningless little rituals, or taking us back to particular places, until it gets needed signals that the world is safe again.
..keeping up routines helps stabilize the body after shock leaves.
Often the goal is just to find a workable self for the next day and the next night.
"GROWING THROUGH PERSONAL CRISIS", Harmon Hartzell Bro, Ph.D.

If you are not captain of your own destiny you are wasting your life. The way you react determines where you are at scale of either being guilty or not guilty of certain things. If it doesn't apply, then you don't react to it. He has shock approach to people. I zero in. my dad has broad approach to people he wants to illicit reaction from people. That's how people get involved. I want to hear what other side has to said, i listen to diverse opinions, i form my own conclusions. No matter what i agree or disagree i am willing to learn from what I listen to. It is not aiming at you, he is not aiming at anybody. I don't want you to whine about it. If you react you are guilty, even if you are not specifically guilty. There is part of you that feels guilty. It is so easy to get offended because there is something inside of you.
Can you differentiate to you what is authentic to you and what has come in to you from external sources. We have authentic ideas on our own, we have insights, we can observe things in unique way, in crows of million people you can observe in unique way that million people won't observe. You are like snowflake, no one else like you. But the problems is that we are all been imprinted with identities that have been formed from our relationship from our environment and we have came to believe is us. When you learn to step away from these thoughts that have been programmed into your mind, the first thing you discover is where did that thought come from? You begin to become aware of another self. It is not that you get rid of the thinking, but that you become aware of thinking in a different way. It is the self that become aware of thoughts that is authentic you. There is self within self that becomes aware of the self that is not the self. Real us is not the thinker. Real us is knowing. Knowing is different from thinking. Knower is different from thinker. There is self within self that observes this external person that we have become and that is the real you. It is the observe of the self that we are not. That is who we really are. That is authentic self. Purpose of meditation is to move in state of quiet. Let go of fear, judgment, all associated with life, you will move naturally toward place of peace. Struggle itself is problem. What you have to do is step away from struggle, from feeling oriented lifestyle. You step toward now. In the now is resolved effortlessly. The self that sees you angry, selfish, superficial, you are not these other things. All things that are wrong with you are not you, they don't belong to you, you can let them go and you can begin to be new person. Be still and know.
David Masters,
Radio Caroline, August 13, 2010
caroline - August 13 21 15 37 2010

12 signs you might be suffering from PTSD
PTSD a condition officially recognized in 1980. Complex PTSD recognized in 1994, describes exposure devastating over long time, 15 years of time. Emotional neglect, humiliation, bullying, disrupted attachment, violence and anger. A lot of us, as many as 20 percent are wandering the world as undiagnosed sufferers of 'Complex PTSD'.
1 Feeling that nothing is safe, Wherever we are, we have an apprehension that something awful is about to happen. We are in a state of hypervigilance. The catastrophe we expect often involves sudden fall of grace. We won't necessary be killed but to all intents, our life will be over. People try to reassure us though logic that reality won't ever be that bad, but logic doesn't help. We're in the
grip of illness, we aren't just a bit confused.
2 We can never relax. This shows up in our body. We are permanently tense or rigid. We have trouble with yoga meditation – not appealing. Our anxiety has a direct link to our digestive system.
3 We can't really ever sleep and wake up very early. Generally in a state of high alarm, as though we let our guard and now in even greater danger than usual.
4 we have, deep in ourselves, an appalling self-image. We hate who we are, we think we're ugly, monstrous, repulsive. We think we're awful, possible the most awful person in the world.
5 we're often drawn to highly unavailable people. We tell ourselves we hate 'needy' people. What we really hate are people who might be too present for us. We make beeline to people who are disengaged, won't want warmth from us and who are struggling with their own undiagnosed issues around avoidance.
6 we are sickned by people who want to be cosy with us. We call these people desperate
7 we are prone to losing our temper very badly, sometimes with other people, more often just with ourselves. We aren't so much 'angry' as very very worried. Worried that everything is about to become very awful again. We look mean, we are in fact defenseless.
8 we are highly paranoid. We suspect other people will be hostile to us, and will be looking out for opportunities to crush and humiliate us (we can be mesmerically drawn to social media, the unkindnest and most arbitrary environment, which anyone with c-ptsd easily confuses with the whole world, chiefly because it operates like their world, random and very meanly.).
9 we find other people so dangerous and worrying that being alone has huge attractions. We might like to go and live under a rock forever. In some moods, we associate bliss with not having to see anyone again, ever.
10 find living so exhausting, unpleasant, we do sometimes long not to exist any more.
11 we can't afford to show much spontaneity. We're rigid about routines. Everything may need to be exactly so, as an attempt to ward off looming chaos. Change of plan = dread.
12 we may throw ourselves in amassing money, fame, work, this never works. The sense of danger and self-disgust is coming from so deep within. We can never reach a sense of safety externally. Million people can be cheering, but one jeer will be enough once again to evoke the self-disgust we have left unaddressed inside.
Those are symptoms.
Cure – partly we need to courageously realize that we have come through something terrible that we haven't until now properly digested – because we haven't had a kind, stable environment in which to do so (it is always hard to get one but we've also been assiduous in avoiding doing so). When we were small, someone made us feel extremely unsafe even though they might have been our parent; we were made to think that nothing about who we were was acceptable; in the name of being “brave”, we had to endure very difficult separations, perhaps repeated over years, no one reassured us of our worth. We were judged with intolerable harshness. Typically it may have unfolded in objectively innocent circumstances. Emotional neglect within outwardly high achieving families can be as damaging in active violence of deprived ones.
We should stop being brave. We should allow ourselves to feel compassion for who we were, that might not be so easy, given how hard we tend to be with ourselves. The root cause of Complex PTSD is an absence of love- and the cure for it follows the same path – we need to relearn to love someone we very unfairly hate beyond measure – ourselves.
YT THE SCHOOL OF LIFE

CPTSD will control you, its going to dictate that you will be cut off from your own life. There is a way to calm your triggers and re-regulate so you don't have to avoid anything. Do one small thing a day, then more changes follow naturally like dominoes. It's not about talking what happened in the past, it is about noticing the triggers you have right now, and calming them and then using that moment of calm to make some progress to go say hello to neighbour or answer couple of emails or clean the kitchen. It feels good to take care of your life and it is possible to challenge yourself a little bit.
YT Crappy Childhood Fairy

behavior around pleasing others, being compliant. If somebody is functioning enough to be in the world and they have difficulty feeling safe in interpersonal interaction, it makes sense they will do anything possible to reduce the chance of someone doing something to harm them or abuse them. This can lead to pattern of good guy, not flee, be aware of hold your boundaries, so fearful what someone reaction or response might be.  Manage symptoms when they occur, realize they can be safe, be empowered to create their own safety, it is transformation from victim to survivor.
YT C-PTSD Behavior Explained - Common Traits, Triggers & Treatment Options | BetterHelp

(11-apr-2021)
Triggers make me change personality into fearful persona. From that state I succumb to automatic behavior and choices, decisions and fawn thinking process without being aware. In YT videos about Complex PTSD it is said that trauma is causing blockage and not being able to express. In reality, in my case, I think this is how I get blocked and not express myself:

• I postpone a task I need to do if someone is there.
• If I see something out of ordinary I do not ask, if somebody is stranded, even though I am codependent, I do not offer advice, help or ask if they need help. This can be incredibly cruel and dangerous - for example if a child is lost and need guidance.
• Wound picking, and I ignore it, I do not pay attention to the triggers - even though I obsess it through PureOCD, I do not alert and alarm a person who is causing the disorder. I do not see that one day they will need me, or some folks appear autistic, corrupted, but in fact they like socializing and making friends. If they know they irritate me and appear aggressive, at lease they would know how I feel about their unacceptable behavior

 (14-apr-2021)

Areas which Complex PTSD is meddling and sabotaging:

• thinking positive - amnesia occurs along with flashbacks/triggers due to fight flight response
• fawn response prevents not caring what other people think and produces being pushover, approval addictions
• being active and by stagnation/hiding away and self made prison produces low skills in any area - consequently also low self esteem, and low confidence, not taking care of our health and needs

the most effective – focus on things that can help balance or gain regulation back in brain. Until your brain feels safe enough to get you out of survival mode you won't be able to move to the next stage.
YT Narcissistic Victim Syndrome Complex PTSD | What Recovery Looks Like

MY YT COMMENT on rude people:

A lot of commentators are talking about ineffective techniques - such as 'silence' or 'laugh it off' or 'being more rude and sarcastic'. This works for people who are rude once in a blue moon.
We are talking here about rude people who are always rude. It is their habit to be rude.
What I have found out is this technique: alarm and alert. You personalize alarm and alert to your identity, situation and the other person, how you will perform this technique. Extreme situations require you to be extreme. Most situation you can do it intuitively and by life experience or thanks to advice from such video presented here.
They (rude people) need to know how they come off to you and people around them. They need to know the reason why you will cut off communication with them in the future if the continue acting irrationally. If your job, security, home depend on such sociopaths, you must not aggravate them more. In such case, it is best to make long term plans of escape.
Alarm and alert means you can do it in kind way. You can and must be authentic. To shut up is psychologically very harmful for you, you block energy inside you, sets you up for illness in long term. Check out Zoroastrianism - it is in their religion to be truthful and authentic. Shakespeare said - 'Be just, and fear not'. If you are a good person, if you have no ill intentions, if you never harm anyone, if you have no intention to harm anyone, there is only misunderstanding or accident that may harm another person who is rude to you.
Example of alarm and alert: "If I am not yelling at you, why are you screaming at me, it is annoying, you are making panic and negative atmosphere here and make things worse."

For people who are feeling especially hurt, for people who feel the pain that won't come off (most people who actually open watch and listen to videos like this one), please try to look Complex Trauma information and see if it resonate with you. You may have hidden wounds from childhood, and rude people are triggers for this painful response to rude people. Most people have no idea they have PTSD from childhood, attached to their back like Sisyphus with his rock.
Rudeness is not superficial problem and it is far more reaching, deep and serious issue both in society and for individual than it appears on the surface.

 (19-apr-2021)
Social anxiety is illusive, it is changing otherwise I would crack the code and stop being anxious around unwelcoming people. I would break character who is ruminating and attentive. Any situation that is scary will cause the sufferer to spend time ruminating about it in order to find solution for feeling uncomfortable emotions. Instead of living and being out there, yet shutting down and avoiding activities bring on secondary issues such as not having skills - which is the cause of low confidence and low self esteem. Then it all seems like one big issue, but it is really pieces of small dysfunctional reactions and ineffective decisions that snowball into one, mega anxiety.
For me it was constant bullying that caused trauma and later my decision to stay indoor and not being active, it was my conscious decision in avoiding people and being secure at home. Other people seemed uncomfortable to me. They made fun of me, how I acted, talked, what I dressed, always picking on something, aggressive, letting me know that there is something wrong with me, they appeared always nervous, both children of my age and adults. At the time everyone seemed dangerous, now as adult I know cognitive distortion black or white thinking, splitting. Back then I did not know it and reality seemed that everyone was against me and hated me. And me, my identity get stuck, I would do things as prevention not to irritate someone. I would not wear certain clothes or accessories so that no one would mock me if I did. Hats, sunglasses are sometimes used as covering tool as protection from other people judging eyes, but I was so afraid of mocking that I did not wear it, so it was extreme shyness for me. Later as I was more lonely and seeking company, I would adopt fawn technique as the only sensible set of behaviour that would allow me to meet and keep company, which of course did not work since I attract toxic people that do not seem toxic to me, yet they exploit easy targets unable to alarm them or say no to them. I know now that fake and aggressive people cause social anxiety disorder, back then all people were the same and I was the wrong one. If someone is constantly complaining and making drama, that is not healthy. Back then, it was the only way how to behave in social situations that I saw in others and it hurt me. I believed that I had some flaws that are irritating to people. This is the cause of not having identity, I believed something is wrong with me by default and it must be covered up. What can a child do being exposed to toxic shame other than go along and trying to correct yourself or hide something that is ashaming about me. I would see later only from afar interaction and friendship among people without bickering, making fun, mocking, ashaming someone and I never had that, yet I felt it was something that I needed and it was something I was missing. I learned to shut up, not to express my opinion, to pick clothes, accessories, words and actions that would not cause someone's laughter, anger, criticism. I can only see now from today's position, knowing about trauma, that being this way, is what denying myself means. I did not built my personality. My persona was connected with living in fear what would someone say about me. I do this automatically now after all these years. I read about it, I know about it, but it is habit for me now after decades of living on auto-pilot. This is where illusive part is coming in. Was I the one who was over-reacting, was it my fault. If I generalized two or three person as everyone is bad, then it was my fault not to seek other people but rather avoiding and serving, people please everyone who by chance comes in contact with me. Maybe I did something socially unacceptable and I was annoying to everyone, perhaps I came of selfish or demanding. Later as years went by, I was trying to correct myself by fawn response - which now I know is not authentic and genuine, so this is the reason why it doesn't work in real social situations. Being mocked as sissy, perhaps I did not adopt to fake image demanded by others who do not allow variations yet only one single image of toxic masculinity. Or was my environment that was bad. Perhaps others were not as much intelligent and my words, opinions bothered them and they let me know by being personal. If I took their words seriously and personally, I did it because I am the one who is open to people, I take into consideration other people's perspectives as the correct ones and then I try to make sense if they are correct by probing and testing them. I don't think it is a healthy dynamics when you need to probe and test other people words and demands and opinions what they really wanted to say and do they have honest intentions without back agenda. It is only a few months ago that I realized that there are people out there with agenda and they have no friendship chip inside them, and they exploit others just for fun, not to "correct" unacceptable behavior, but to hurt others just for the sake of them feeling good. Basically if you do not have bad intentions and you do not want to cause harm to other people, if you are surrounded by people in your environment who are unable to talk and interact with others without drama, being nervous, nit-picking, criticizing, I would say it is the best to avoid them. Back then I did not know avoidance comes with a terrible price - low self esteem, low confidence, low skills. This would mean that I try to be active whenever I can, if there are possibilities, opportunities. Instead of default hiding, I would be away from toxic people, yet gladly step outside if I find something healthy outside comfort zone. For decades I did not ride bicycle, this is outdoor and activity that do not require having another person beside you, and I would not do it either due not having money to buy bike or not having incentive by being afraid someone will yell, laugh or mock me just by being out there - in reality it did happen. I had people yelled at me, scream at me, it was rare incident, but it is indicative that I live in toxic environment where people are nervous, hateful and that as grown up I can make difference between an single incident and something that is general and happening all the time with all the people. Now I know I can alarm and alert people, back then I was not sure in my worth and other people seemed the valid and correct ones. If I bear no ill will and hidden agenda, if I do not exploit nor desire to make damage in any way, I have worth and validity to react, speak up and protest unfairness. But that is the basic point of social anxiety - why would I need to protest in social situations all the time or live by sitting at the edge of my seat and awaiting for opportunity to jump at some reaction by over-reacting to everything. This part is illusive. Am I the one who is expecting the hurt and attack (where there is none in reality), or is it my environment the one that is toxic and making me feel jumpy and cause me living in constant ruminating what is wrong. Can I objectively realize and perceive other people comments as threat or ridiculous comment not worth reacting?
It comes down to calming down, and working on over-reactions inside me and in other people by alarming them instead of fawn response to abuse. It is about realizing it is ok to choose avoiding toxic people/environment, but it is not healthy to choose avoiding life in general. It is about carefully choosing to be active over default stagnation. Even though brain and trauma data are hopeless if they are taken as cold facts but without complex trauma information I would not know my focus.  I learned my default learned reaction to social fear is fawn, shutting down and shutting up. I was not aware I was codependent and what it means without trauma information. With trauma information now I know my brain made habit to repeat dysfunctional choices and I am allowed now as an adult to accept myself and to accept my faults that were once ashamed by toxic people.

MY YT COMMENT:
You made me realize - I never actually focused on the definition - what is like to be without social anxiety?
Being "healed" from social anxiety means being comfortable, to chat, be happy and friendly and open, to be authentic and respond without drama and over-reaction.
So, what do we do with people who are triggering? Social anxiety comes back when we are not in psychological safety. It is easy to ignore and leave toxic people if they are strangers and this decision creates psychological health & safety, but what to do if you have them at your job, family or as package deal along with possible new friendship?
Therefore, social anxiety cure would be finding the answer to this question:  How to be and remain effectively calm (comfortable, friendly, open, serene, happy) when someone is mocking you (criticizing, nit-picking, attacking, abusing, unfriendly, uncooperative, irrational) - and you cannot (or will not) escape the situation due to some task/goal/job to be done.
Or, thanks to brain, trauma data information, we would find out it might not be social anxiety problem at all?
If people in general are consistently irrational and nervous and aggressive, something is wrong with the state - so the cure would be to plan and execute changing country where I live.
If I am keep being triggered, I could ask myself did I done all possible before alerting another person who could just be clutz (the other person might not having no ill will at all, he is simply uneducated peasant and unintelligent): by alarming them, asserting what I need and giving them a chance to change abusive/toxic behaviour instead of automatically cutting them off by default.

(21-apr-2021)

Sometimes my ideas, opinions, words may be overbearing to others. Shy people think their own words are too difficult to listen and hear, and it might be best to stay silent and shut up. Especially if there is childhood trauma of being abandoned for being accused of being strange by group of kids. Social skills as adults might teach us to view and scan for other people reaction to ourselves. People who have social anxiety scan it all the time, we look and interpret any negative emotion displayed as slightest irritation in others. That is why I said people with social anxiety already have social skills. Official advice may erroneously interpret social anxiety as inability to be social due to not knowing social norms. But what are social norms? If we subjugate to others, it is road to people pleasing and being pushover and giving up on our identity by keeping to ourselves our opinions and feelings. Social skills come down to not being ego-centric and putting yourself in other people shoes. People with social anxiety have absolutely no problem with this, in fact, they over-do it. We transform ourselves into other people's place and thus we zoom in others, looking for any sign of annoyance and then over-react to it by hiding and avoiding, shutting down and shutting up. Instead of social skills and etiquette, we need dark shadow skills. Good friendships are built on reciprocity. We get taken advantage because out of fear we serve others, we are afraid of being yelled at and other people criticism. Therefore, social skills for social anxiety would be being more narcissistic, rude. Otherwise we would never take courage to initiate events, we would never stop obsession over being afraid to disturb others. It hurts to be rejected. Rejected as being screamed at, brushed off, denied, mocked, denied, shunned off. This is now a full circle. Social anxiety is being afraid of difficult people, but now from this perspective of having reciprocity and returning favor by initiating a meeting, date, event, trip, conversation - we would interpret as being disturbed. People with social anxiety have this social connection mashed up. We set ourselves up to be exploited by giving to others, and rejecting them when they return favor by spending time outdoors or in some social settings because we are afraid of unknown people and unknown situations. We know only our own rules and settings that we provide to ourselves. Anything else is uncomfortable and out of comfort zone. Staying in our bubble is stagnation and it is unhealthy even though it feels safe, since it protects us from wound that stem from complex PTSD. If we understand that being active is crucial, and stagnation means producing intrusive thoughts, anxiety and low confidence since we do not get information how to act in unknown situations, we need to force ourselves to be as much active as it is possible in our current situation. Managing social anxiety comes down to force myself to face something I am afraid, or it feels uncomfortable, that objectively is not dangerous. That breaks hypnosis, being stuck in loop. Breaking hypnosis means being aware of facts, being objective. Being subjective and basing my actions on obscure idea is road to negative hypnosis.

People with trauma, complex PTSD, extreme shyness are being emotionally hijacked at any social situations. We do not operate from rational mind, our fear is causing us to tremble, panicked, to be obsessed over other people approval in order to avoid being hurt by others. But to us, it doesn't seem we are operating from fear, it looks like normal, everyday state of mind. I would guess not all people react the same way when panicked and in fear. So it would might help to learn both Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality in detail. Because when I get triggered, I will not know I am triggered. It will appear as normal state, while in fact I am drowning. This means, I need to know to identify my reactions, that are in reality over-reactions. It may seem confusing and complex, but it is very simple - how I behave in psychological safety. How I act when I feel secure. How I act in my comfort zone. If I feel stuck, frozen, if I deny myself to get something "innocent", for example a glass of water because someone unknown is in the room, I am being triggered. To me it appears as natural and something I grew for decades, but this is social inhibition. It blocks the natural flow. That is the core of Complex PTSD - being blocked, unexpressed, it is stagnation. What my Dr Jekyll personality would do -  if there is no fear. That is the path, focus, goal I need to endeavor into. Secondary issue is - what to do when I do take courage and being active - and then I am faced with criticism by others. Second reaction would be fawn  people pleasing, codependent, zooming in, shutting up, agreeing automatically, not ignoring, engaging in mocking, reacting to rudeness by giving it more energy. To have a set of choices and responses is the same as overthinking, and it is not genuine, it appears fake. So the only natural solution is alarm and alert annoying person, at least give them a chance to change instead of cutting them off automatically by avoidance I'd choose automatically. Some people are unaware they are annoying. Some situation appear dangerous in my mind, but in reality and if observed objectively they are not.
The full circle is realizing that annoying and irritating people are managing their social anxiety and trauma, and they realized it is being active and alerting as tools for social interaction. Then they appear annoying and irritating to us if they do it (being active and alerting) in too aggressive way. If we see ourselves as authentic and if we allow be authentic, then we might look others actions from authentic perspective instead of being rude. Under social anxiety, we would not think of it like that. We'd label someone rude and hide away, run away, stay away from outdoors automatically, without being objective and take all things in consideration. We would spend mental energy on pain and hurt and fear, without investing time and energy into inspecting others. To hide away and instinctively run away or shut down if escape is impossible is a habit for social anxiety sufferers. Instead, staying and observing, taking information before making decision is a new paradigm and it might take time to integrate it as a new habit. Being and staying active is general advice for social anxiety, easy to remember and it can be displayed in various intensity and in various ways, depending on a situation. Then thirdly, what if the other person is not aggressive. For social anxiety the boundaries are mashed up, fawn makes us over-giving, the question will arise what effort from our part is invested with the others. Codependency management teach us not to offer any advise without prompting they need it. What would our identity not based on fear do, act, make, appear in social settings. If we have a goal or task to do when other people are present, that is easy, do the task. The trouble might be how to engage in conversation or careless talk, to what degree or is it necessary at all. Our panic, strain, worry, tension will come up when in presence of unknown or less known people. Instead of hiding and avoiding, I'd say follow our nature and the task to be done. I already know how to act in difficult situations and with difficult people, from my age, experience and time spent exploring the subject. The fear that I am not able or have no skills is coming from the fear of unknown, it is sign I am being triggered by trauma. Calming down is so essential and being aware of fear persona running the show silently without announcement the switch of personality has taken place.

(23-apr-2021)
The working example of managing social anxiety would be like this;
Someone is rude, obnoxious, loud and screaming - it bothers me because I have desire to correct such  person. This behavior is out of order and it creates disbalance, so it is logical to say something. Being afraid of reaction creates more fears. It would be alright to say something if it is crossing boundaries, but that is rare occurrence. It is more likely I am over-reacting. It would help just to be aware of my desire, and I should stop wasting mental energy on figuring out how to correct someone.
Instead of focusing on someone rude and aggressive, I might look at myself and realize that I am embarrassed to be seen yelled at or criticized in public, if someone is watching or that person is judging me. This is the core of social anxiety. Instead of fear, I could calm down by being aware it is toxic shame. What I am feeling is not reality, it is other person's shame being projected onto me. I might also have desire to change other misbehavior as if I am a teacher or guide, and this too creates more fears because I put pressure on myself in what way I should do the preaching. To stop this mental loop, I could try being aware that I am actually trying to manipulate and control other person. I might say something if they cross boundaries, but I know people rarely do. They do not make fool of themselves in public, neither they like to leave bad impression. If they are annoying and aggressive, there is some reason behind it that they do not speak of and I am not aware of. Therefore it is useless to consider trying to change someone. It is not fair to control someone. I am not obligated to spend free time with someone who is not friendly to me or exploiting me. So beneath social anxiety is other people's opinion, it governs all my fears. Now I know it is part of codependency. As such, it is hard to remove it by mental loop rumination. I could be aware of it and base my actions on my goals rather than automatically subjugating to real or imagined opinions. As codependent I must know I am easily influenced by others, if they are angry, display heightened emotion or showing hysteria, I need to be aware not to follow reactions of others, I do not join in hysteria.
This would be correcting habit of codependency and inferiority complex. Instead of automatic response in fawning, I would be relieved to have my mental focus under my control for once. What I would be left with is knowing that being in presence of loud, angry, annoying, screaming people, even if it might not be personal or related to me in any way (just to witness it), I need to be aware that it will trigger me due to complex trauma. I will be triggered. My ultimate goal is to stay active, do things I must do, my goals and simply being outdoor if anything else, but this is not enough. If I have resentment, I must take care of it. If someone crosses boundary I need to react, without joining in hysteria. From past experience, I would shut up - without being aware of how much important is to be authentic. I would shut up without being aware that my opinion, words, statements are valid and carefully planned, I have enough intelligence to draw clever conclusions. Someone opposing me is not the sign they are automatically correct, some people are mean and evil and hate being criticized or do not how to deal with cognitive dissonance, since they are very ego-centric, children trapped in adult bodies. Instead of seeing them as valid and strong, I could see them as partially valid and partially strong.
It comes down how to deal with annoying, aggressive people. It's worst case scenario for social anxiety coming alive. In one hand, I must alarm and alert - but not in all situations. I must speak up and not silence myself - but in some situations it is annoying, not effective. I know I have to ignore rude people as the best advice in general but my resentment stays inside. This resentment is trauma. I will be bothered by aggressive, toxic, narcissists. There is no cure for it. There is no mental instruction to destroy hurt caused by them. There is no defense against it. This toxic shame hurt is one problem. Another one is secondary hurt - the one I am creating as fawn response. I shut up, I avoid, I get triggered, I get stuck in safe persona. Therefore my trying to change someone by being bothered by someone comes from secondary pain - from being embarrassed by using fawn response, since it is sign of weak person.
I know that I am hypnotized to feel invalid if someone ashames me, if someone is displaying negative emotions. With the help of cognitive defusion I might feel some relief. This still does not remove toxic shame.
I know calming down the triggers in order to turn around safe mode persona would be helpful, but it still does nothing for toxic shame and original wound.
The goal is to find a way not being hurt anymore. The goal is not having a need to memorize steps and follow correct pathways through so I do not fall into mental loops and holes that I am not able to dig myself out from them. If I have wound I would always automatically follow non functional decisions, being passive aggressive and unknowingly choose wrong perspectives and making wrong conclusions.
Also, being aware I have wound so deep it messes up my mentality, perspective and basic decisions, relationships and mental stability - who am I to control anyone? I feel super important when I meet someone annoying and rude, I want to tell them off, but it is obvious if I have this deep wound, that I am not healthy to be authority in correcting anyone. It is perfectly fine to state my opinion, but it is ridiculous to think I have power to influence anyone into change, even if intention is good and with a purpose. I might convince myself that my words will make difference and that other person needs guidance and push into right direction, and need to get into conflict with someone only makes me more anxious. Again, I am not savior, I cannot be with such wound inside. First and foremost, I must take care of my wound, since this is the centre of all my distortions, this is where it leaks from.

(24-apr-2021)
The wound.
Definition: it is a state of emotional hurt, caused in childhood where I was poked constantly and had been exposed to hurt from others, as child I experienced too much pain and strain and I developed unhealthy methods to cope with it - by avoiding people and rumination, PureOCD. Without the wound, I would perceive people as safe. With psychological safety I would not feel automatic tense emotions around people. I would be able to do jobs that require contact with rude, critical, aggressive people, they would not bother me in such way to contemplate suicide as a way to escape the pain. I would feel uncomfortable but I would not over-react and push to cognitive distortions as way to explain myself the situation I am dealing with. Without the wound I would accept myself. Instead of toxic shame, I would not feel the need to hide my faults and I would not feel intense shame when I make mistakes or in areas that I am not competent enough, at situations without my previous experience. Without the wound I would not be suggestible to other people's words, opinions, emotions as ultimate guidance and truth. Without the wound I would not be avoiding, I would not find relationships difficult. I would love myself and I would accept my own faults and areas where I am not perfect.
What I know up until now is that under the stress, under any pain, no matter what intensity, I will get triggered without being aware I am triggered and I would change my persona to fear persona and I need to calm myself down if I am active and if I have various inputs through the day. I also know that I have mental constructs, my explanations that are false - and if I identify them I can replace them easily with functional basic thoughts. These explanations come in form of inner critic, many times without words but simply images that I react to and develop narrative and ruminations. For example, the greatest discovery was my automatic reaction to fawn. Instead of freeze, flight or fight I never was aware in my past that I fawn as automatic reaction to stress. With this knowledge I could remind myself that Other people do not hate me and that my opinion is valid and I am allowed to express it even at the cost of conflict, I can explain it away as in movie "12 angry men".
Yet, being in presence with violent, aggressive, nit-picking individual hurts me, since it is wound picking for me. I have no ways to mentally control the hurt experienced by someone annoying, irritating and pushing. It is like allergic reaction, I cannot stop it by my thoughts even though I try with PureOCD intrusive thoughts. I am aware of cognitive defusion but it does not help to feel dirty and ashamed, the toxic shame and feeling of being broken and defective, incompetent deep inside. I am aware I can calm my triggers:
https://77ranko.blogspot.com/2021/04/triggers-calming-down.html
But I am talking here about the wound that I am not able to heal, it is open and I have been triggered and I can expect to be triggered. When I am triggered in my mind it seem like it will last forever and I am defective and I must fawn and I must prove I am worthy and hide my faults in panicked way, as other person's opinion and words are important. I think being aware of the wound will help me at least stop doing things automatically in panic and stop rumination and going on to mental negative loop. This act of stopping the rat wheel is very healthy.
It is logical therefore to ignore the triggers. If someone is aggressive and hurt me, even by words, I should be able to ignore it. What I feel is deep shame instead. I feel the need to hide my shame, that no one can see me being yelled at, that I stumble and make fool of myself, being laughed at or screamed at due to my mistake that others ashame me of. That is direct hurt from childhood - being small and cornered by outer strong malicious and angry entity above me. Therefore the ignore advice by Einstein is not so simple:

There are two types of ignore actions. I can ignore as intelligent, and this means being prepared to rebuke ("You are yelling at me, I am not yelling at you, that is not fair" alarm based on me loving myself, defending myself by noticing my boundaries were crossed and not having inferiority complex believing other person's words are the law that I have no right to oppose). The other type of ignoring would be from fear, that build resentment and passive aggressive tactics, gossiping for example.

So the wound is connected to my personality. If I am sensitive and gentle, I will feel pain because I process everything on deeper level than other people who are not so easily bothered by anything. If I am introverted, I would not prefer going out, yet without being active I cannot get experience and skills. This means I must push myself to be active, it has nothing to do with the wound. If I do not set goals and set tasks to repair what demands fixing, I would self sabotage myself. Being afraid of meeting aggressive, rude people that reject my pleas is connected to wound though.
The wound is also connected to self esteem. If I trust my competence, my worth and being objective, being aware I have some positive traits. If I have low confidence I would choose fawn response to any hard situation, I would not bother to defend myself if I was accused of something I did not do. If someone raised the voice I would shut up believing my words do not matter and are false by default.

To compute these information together, it means that I have to persuade myself that the world is safe and I am allowed to do my tasks and interact with people, get into conflict if there are false information that someone is telling them in my face personally. This is the healing part of social anxiety, where I use crutch to move around, but my legs are still not healed to walk around without the crutches. Because If I ran into someone difficult, toxic, rude, my wound be tackled and I would experience the hurt. At that point current knowledge tells me I will automatically fall into fawn response and I need to prevent it. Being assertive is healthier choice. I will automatically fall into rumination due to intrusive thoughts emitting from the wound. This is where I need to over-ride my over-reaction by setting balance: by stopping quick decisions and evaluating the situation, calming myself down to bring up Dr Jekyll versus Mr Hyde fear personality, imagine mentally the dark par, hole in my subconsciousness and imagine spilling the love inside this hole, filling it up with love, being aware of agreeableness facts that tell me the other person that appears strong and rude is hurting himself, instead of looking at him as ultimate guide and truth, I can see them as victim and very weak person. I am aware that I need to react when someone cross my boundary - this means if someone goes to extreme and disables me to do my task, I am aware that my response depends on situation, the intensity and the way I respond could not be always the same. Conflict is the opportunity to alarm and alert the other person who is particularly annoying to make them aware what they are doing. I am aware tat I need to avoid personal attacks (based on toxic shame) and be objective by pointing out the behaviour instead.

In the end, the idea is if I can fix my wound, I would prevent intrusive thoughts and cognitive distortions as automatic response to triggers. I could avoid one toxic person as the source of criticism but I will unconsciously attract new toxic people in the future. Without alarm and alert system based on my self worth I would not establish my boundaries and warn others when they take too much. So perhaps there is not one wound, maybe there are other wounds. One wound be from being physically attacked in childhood by caretaker in kindergarten causing avoidance later. Verbal abuse from early education system causing social anxiety later. Overbearing parent causing my inferiority complex when under stress.

The wound is my tolerance to pain. The wound is my boundaries being picked upon. The hurt and pain makes me not being able to objectively asses if my boundaries are crossed. I could easily react to anything, being over-dramatic and neurotic at any kind of pain. It is about avoiding the toxic, aggressive settings and yet being able to realize whether I am over-reacting and explaining myself correctly the reality. It is like the game of Solitaire - the circumstances are keep changing and I need to adapt very quickly to the input. I can avoid toxic people in my free time and my own choices but there are situations where I cannot choose to avoid toxic people and toxic situations, or there are options to react to toxic situation but I choose not to, in order not to rock the boat while it would be the healthiest decision. This tells me to be authentic, not to hide my faults and errors, neither to hide other people's errors. I can point them out in kind way, without drama and being aggressive myself. The final goal is me being able to live my life without fear and anxiety. If I have task and goals to accomplish, either my own or as partnership, the point is to do it, be active and to respond to environment in intelligent way, instead of being reactive and automatic. So the wound it mental instability. It is illness. It is sick part of me that I cannot fix. I have no tools no knowledge to fix it. But the difference is I brought it to light, it is no longer in the dark, stuck in my subconsciousness. The wound is a mysterious entity of unknown form inside me, an energy and vibration that is emitting hurt and pain in unrelated difficult situations that are hurtful and painful by themselves on their own. When I deal with aggressive and rude person, I am dealing with two kinds of pains without being aware of it. One pain is current situation that needs assessment and evaluation how to respond the best, and the other pain is already present pain inside me that I carry around like Sisyphus.

Could it be that this rock is just a bunch of past resentment and grudge? That forgiving and love would make it easily disperse so I could effectively deal with present problem and current task, instead of effort in calculating the friction, distance and volume of rock that I am not even aware I tag along with myself.
Because dealing with present situation (task, issue, problem) means being aware what I can control and doing my best to solve it. It is about focusing on what I can control and choosing the effective, positive, right direction and focus instead of being slave to automatic response. I would feel the hurt and toxic shame by someone aggressive, but I think the inability to let it go really comes down to resentment. My sense and duty to correct the situation and to be savior and fix everything is drived by holding a grudge and being depleted of love, that will enable me to recognize people around me that really needs my energy and time instead of chasing the issues out that I cannot control in the first place.

For someone struggling with social anxiety it seems that there is one hidden step, one secret instruction that must be fulfilled in order to deal with any situation, potential threat or open aggressive issue from others that would heal anxiety. And there is - considering the wound as complex bundle of resentment and grudge. This does not mean replacing it with complacency and fawn response. It means getting rid of the source of virus messages instructing me in the wrong and dysfunctional direction. It is one step and one instruction - to make peace by engaging in the deep forgiveness. But dealing with reality requires innovative and responsive techniques, steps and instructions that depend upon the current situation. Once we get rid of unnecessary inner burden of trying to control, change and correct people and circumstances out of our control, we can focus with less effort on current issue and near future plans and tasks to be done. We can turn our attention from constantly negative and demanding people away and focus on good people that we neglect and take for granted.

The energy of resentment and grudge (not even the anger as emotion) is the core of mental instability, mental illness, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, avoidance, cognitive distortions. The resentment itself does not do the damage but holding on to it, having and holding it inside and insisting on not letting it go produces unhealthy choices and decisions as some new, current issue turns about around the corner, on the fly, on the go. Toxic shame is not in resentment and grudge but it is in the ways of coming up with ideas how to deal with the grudge - by rumination, passive aggressiveness, shutting up and self censorship. Toxic people sniff out this resentment and they are attracted to it like moth to a flame, adding up more additional negative environment. With resentment I do not focus on my health and fixing what needs to be repaired, I focus on unnecessary defense against illusions from the past. And building new resentments as I am unable to respond in a healthy way with new, current challenges in life. Deep forgiveness does not mean to fawn and being pushover, it means letting go of the past, understanding other people are weak even though they may appear strong and dominant and better and valid. I can defend myself through alarm and alert system, pointing out on other rude behavior. I cannot do that, I cannot speak out what is wrong, to assert myself if I hold on to resentment from before, fearing the fear and possible new fears by simply my need to change and correct all that I see crooked around me. Someone being rude in my face is an opportunity to point out their behavior. The voices and texts what to tell and my defenses need to be expressed, they are inside me. I would shut up and keep silent as a fawn response to other people's anger. It seems if I come from place of forgiveness I will be able to express and assert myself without such hardship.

Resentment is hypnotic emotions. If I want to hypnotize you, all I have to do is frustrate you and upset you. To criticize you and degrade you, and pretty soon you are thinking backwards. You try to please me. You do whatever I want for peace – (but) there is no peace
ROY MASTERS

'You always become what you hate.'

MY YT COMMENT:

"Past event can be seen as OCD, thing protecting you."
Yesterday I found out what is at the root of OCD, toxic shame, complex trauma and my social anxiety, all puzzle pieces fell into place. I wonder if this resonate with OCD sufferers:
At the core of rumination is our resentment and holding on to grudge. It is slowly poisoning us into mental instability. We try to change and influence other people by our grudge. We think somehow magically our thinking process will change other people. Other people cannot be changed. We cannot change people. So, the way out of OCD is what I call Deep forgiveness. At some early age I learned that I hold onto grudge as response to unfair treatment. If I avoid argument and people by pouting, others will surely notice this and they will change their behaviour. This unconscious explanation of trauma as a child stuck with me into adulthood and I have been carrying it along with me as Sisyphus his rock. Little did I know, it also produce OCD, ruminations, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, avoidance, cognitive distortions.
I never learned that there are healthier ways to deal with rude people - because I would hold on to grudge without being aware I am being resentful. With resentment it is very hard to be authentic, because I expect people to hate me, I am already in defense mode from the past, with new people I meet. The only way out of this OCD loop is Deep forgiveness and knowing I can protect myself by being authentic, to either alarm&alert rude people or by ignoring them. Both of these were not available to me to enforce in reality, even though I would know logically about these actions how to deal with aggressive people (the root cause of all my OCD fears). I could not alarm anyone since I would stand in pool of grudge and resentment, thus being highly afraid and in state of shock, that was feeding of resentment and grudge. I could not ignore people and events that are out of my control since I would be preoccupied unconsciously by resentment and my energy would be drained and focused on holding on to grudge.
And the solution is so simple and known from religious and spiritual sources-  forgive, forgiveness. I have read it in Healing the toxic shame by Bradshaw, but for some reason (probably because it was poorly written or translated) - there was no alternative to what happens after you forgive. My tool was to fawn, which lead to codependency issues. I would still hold on to grudge and resentment, maybe it was because to forgive - there is no clear definition of toxic emotions that are inside us behind forgiveness. In order to forgive, you must have entity of dark emotions, caused by hurt, unfair treatment and pain. You got to become aware this entity is a ball of yarn composed of resentment and grudge.
As I googled available quote images of resentment and grudge, it was confirmed: grudge is poison and it causes mental issues if you hang onto it. Let it go. We can protect ourselves now as adults in more healthier ways than choosing our resentment.
Once we get rid of weight of grudge, we can now feel lighter and focus our energy, time and effort on fixing, repairing, planing and building better lives.

My heart comes undone
Slowly unravels
In a ball of yarn
The devil collects it
With a grin
BJORK - UNRAVEL

Orphic egg

What is orphism philosophy?
a mystic Greek religion offering initiates purification of the soul from innate evil and release from the cycle of reincarnation.

If we expect others to live by our standards we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.
Expectation what I genuinely believe is most likely to happen.
If expectation is for something over which I have no control, I keep expecting it to be that way and it's still not that way, that's something we call a cognitive distortion. It is a way of thinking, cognitive map.
I say this is how world is, but it is not how the world really is. So I keep setting myself for disappointment. People keep expecting things to be a particular way. It is Dr Phil question 'How's that working for you'? So those are things we want to change if we can become aware of it.
I am expecting something that is not likely to happen. Sometimes we do this because of kind of trauma. It's like we're trying to fix something that didn't work in our past. And so we keep trying to make it work.
A special kind of serving they're trying to repair something broken from my own past.
When we really see, oh this is cognitive distortion, this expectation is not going to be met, it becomes fairly easy then relatively easy to fix it. The problem is being able to see it in the first place. Pay attention to things you are being stuck, and seeing if you can identify what are the cognitive distortions that are stopping you from having a really clear set of valid accurate expectations.
YT Mark Lee Robinson

I realized people since childhood are building up a house inside, they have blueprints. 
This building process last all life. For external or internal reason, these blueprints may have errors. Unfortunately no one can see that blueprint, neither other people, not even ourselves. So we have a medium inside that we instruct how to build a house - without actually seeing the blueprint, we have idea, other people give their suggestions. Sometimes, some parts of house are not supervised by others so we built them wrong way. This happens with personality disorders.
https://77ranko.blogspot.com/2020/10/do-movies-cause-social-anxiety.html

Fear is like a giant fog. It sits on your brain and blocks everything. Real feelings, true happiness, real joy. They can't get through that fog. But you lift it, you're in for the ride of your life.
Defending Your Life (1991)

 

I mean move forward. Continue onward. The point of this whole thing is to keep getting smarter. To... to keep growing. To use as much of your brain as possible.
Defending Your Life (1991)

(2-may-2021)
Once we start to take action, we will have a chance to put all knowledge in better position. Instead of darkness caused by either avoidance when we choose not to go out, or panic outside when we face our fears still holding onto our wrong explanations of event outside, now with good basis we will easily notice phenomena of other people - they are screwed up just as we are. Others are not perfect, even though from our place of fear they appear to us competent, strong and better than fearful us.
Now we understand of ego-centric concept. It is connected to intelligence. Ego-centrism is childish worldview of anything outside of us. People who are wounded, who have experienced abuse, who were traumatised got the blessing of installing mindset of empathy, something that other people learn through overcoming ego-centrism (overcoming ego-centrism is growing up). Some people try very hard to learn how to get rid of ego-centrism, they logically understand it will make their life better, prosperous and healthier but since they lack hand-on experience, they got only half of the picture - they have only written words from leading psychiatrists and philosophers guiding them in the right direction. Unfortunately, even though traumatized people are blessed with experience of learning how to be less ego-centric (by being aware of world outside very acutely in more deeper ways than ordinary folks), they are also given personal choice of choosing good or evil - that means holding on to resentment or forgiving. The paradox is that coming to the point where you discover resentment as evil, that is also the solution for any issue and problem that traumatized people have. Resentment itself is ego-centric and for traumatized people it is the last step of growing up and healing their trauma.
Experiencing trauma can make you either kind and gentle, and choose fawn response to any trigger based on trauma. Or it can make you respond with aggression. Both responses are based on resentment. People who choose aggression will become abusers themselves with time and they won't be aware that they did, it will feel justified to them to abuse others through nit-picking and aggressive stance. That is vicious cycle of abuse. You become what you hate. And they won't be aware of hate, they will have justifications for being rude, irritable and snapping at any person that might appear slightly abusive to them. That is evil because if you were wounded, you would know it hurts and you would if you are normal, kind person, you would try this abuse to stop from spreading. People who choose aggression as response to trauma are toxic, however they use their traumatic experience to manipulate others. People who use fawn response also manipulate others by avoiding them and holding grudge, but they do not do it as goal to hurt anyone, it is done as an unconscious way to influence rude person to stop being rude. Nevertheless, it is form of cognitive distortion because we try to control other people. Other people cannot be controlled. Letting go of resentment is the only way, there is no other way that is healthy and functional and that it works, and that does not produce mental instability, no matter how blind revenge or bling anger seems like perfect retaliation weapon tool. Narcissists may or may not be wounded but they understand this mechanism of abusing others and exploiting those who are easy target (who do not stand up to themselves). Narcissist understand and use this intertwined concept of people being rude, people being oversensitive and mixing up rudeness, possible rudeness and potential rudeness with everyday communication - slight rudeness as something very normal. What is not normal the reaction to rudeness. This is where narcissists step in. They abuse these unspoken grudges between people into their advantage, through gaslighting.
People with trauma get stuck with social settings, since triggers are other people rude responses, or what appears rude response to us. That is the connection with social anxiety. This is why there are people who are very gentle, kind, angels who suffer from social phobia, yet there are narcissists and toxic people who experience emotions that they feel and interpret as social anxiety. Toxic people (those who suffer with frustrations that they learned online might be social anxiety) are frustrated since every single advice about social anxiety goes against everything they hold dear - not being hostile towards their targets. Little did they know the solution for their social anxiety is also deep forgiveness and being kind and having empathy - something that regular social anxiety suffers already know very well, being kind and sensitive to others and something that is next to impossible to them, due to ingrained hate towards everyone.
To people who experienced trauma and thus have social anxiety problems as adults, loud people feel uncomfortable. Loud people are triggers because they are reminding them of trauma event. Loud people trigger triggers. If we are not aware of this, we will get along with our panic thoughts, thinking it is the same thought line as in normal mode, we will think we are the same person as in calm state and we will take for granted upcoming negative and self defeating, self sabotaging thoughts that trigger is producing in abudance. We will lose our super-powers (being able to look at everything from more than one perspective, ie not being ego-centric) and suppress ourselves, not expressing our thoughts and we'll lose ability to think clearly. But to us, it will appear as if other - loud person - is our guidance, instead of us. We instantly have hidden resentment against loud person, but we are not aware of it. Resentment infiltrates inside us like virus and installs prejudgements inside our mind, create worst case scenario and play back flashbacks from fears of the past and resentment forces us to make our abuser our focus. It will appear to us as regular think, as reality, as if everything we think is correct. Loud people manipulate us into becoming zombies - and we are not aware of it, and they are not aware of it, too. They are only aware that the response they get is amazing, some people fawn to them and they love it. They might notice (especially narcissists) that they can influence us through yelling, so they will happily do it more and more often. Their goal is to impress everyone. To us it appears as if they (loud people) are competent while we are inferior by default and we must shut up.

If we are not aware of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde persona switch (emotional hijacking), we won't be able to snap out of it. We will focus on loud person. We will hold grudge against them. We won't focus on other (normal) people and have causal conversation. We won't make friends and friendships. We will be in battle mode - and we won't be aware this social stuck faux pas is happening at all. Loud people feel uncomfortable to everyone, however to traumatized people they trigger the same reaction as bully would, and you feel attacked. Loud people in most cases are not rude at all but they appear very rude to traumatized people. Loud people in most cases are not abusers but they appear as such in our minds. Therefore if we become aware that loud people are not rude and that they do not hate you, it makes it easier to tolerate their obnoxious behaviour. It makes it easier to chat, talk and ease off tension and bring back our normal, non-guarding mode. This is important because loud people are the cause why anxious people avoid social gatherings. This is important because without this knowledge, without tolerance, the annoyance soon turns itself into (automatic and constant) grudge mode. From grudge mode, being irritated and annoyed by loud people, we explain our reality as us being attacked, exploited and that people in general are loud. It is the same as with panicky people, nervous people and people who rush somewhere, we get infected and we become also like them without being aware how they influenced us.    

Loud people have power over us in such deep and profound way to influence our mood so dramatically, our thinking process and our perception because we hold hidden resentment towards them, this fuels war /defense /offense mode inside us. And we are not even aware we changed our mode and mood to worse. What would be definition of loud person? Loud person is someone who in regular conversation suddenly and surprisingly raise their voice (they have their, what they interpret to themselves, a justified reason, but to us it appears without valid reason to act in such way since we are able to question everything and see everything from more than one perspective), they show by using their words and non verbal communication that their opinion is final, and they turn angry (more louder) if you disagree. That is bad etiquette, and this is sign they have no communication skills - but remember that we from the fear mode automatically (without thinking it through) explain and perceive them as competent and people with excellent skills in anything, simply because of the fact that they are loud.
From this point, we think loud people are problem. They trigger us. We think they are the cause problem and cause solution simultaneously. Even after we are aware of our fear from loud people we think that the problem is our fear from loud people - we put them in our constant focus, being outside with them in real time, or away from them, when we can reflect on past events. We feel uncomfortable around lout people. We might logically get aware that they are not angry at us and they hold no hatred towards us, at least not at their conscious/verbal, face level - although they clearly act like it. This awareness might calm us down. But that awareness will not solve our social anxiety. Apart from pushing ourselves to be active and be in social gatherings as mush as we are offered, we need to take one more step deeper to tackle social anxiety. Problem is not stemming from loud people. Problem are my own explanations of what is going on. I tell myself:
I am attacked. I am wrong. They are right. They are therefore strong, competent and I will also hoard hidden resentment because based on this explanation I will shut up, they might also tell me openly to shut up, as they confirm my supposedly true beliefs. I explain myself that they hate me. Even though other do not hate me, at some subconscious level loud people hate someone to explain different opinion since they are insecure, weak, less intelligent and struggle with cognitive dissonance without being aware what cognitive dissonance is. If I would actually confront them and reveal my fears and resentments (this means, I explain them they shut me up, that they want to be competent and they base competence solely on arguments) they would deny it, laugh it off and accuse me of being sensitive. They do not hate me, at least not on their conscious level that their cognitive area allows them to be aware of at all. Loud people who do not allow other opinions are immature. If grown up person acts like this, this person is mentally unstable and unaware they lack insight. They project their inferiority onto others - shutting other people down. Being loud is sign they cannot use argument, since they have none. They cannot explain themselves, they lack words because the whole structure of their belief is a fantasy, delusion that they want to be real. It cannot be real, because if it was real (true) they would easily explain it - without being loud (irritable). So the only tool that they are left to their disposal is something they learned as kids, that worked fine in kindergarten (to scream like babies when something is not right in their minds). Problem in their mind is the other people. If other people go along, if they shut up - other people are encouraging loud people to stay immature. Other people are grown up and they think they deal with another mature adult. Problem are other people who take loud person words as final truth. Other people are kind and calm, and loud people exploit this by yelling and screaming, they enforce their lies and faulty reality, delusions through aggression. In social settings, then it is easy to either ignore this person or beat them down with arguments. The worst response would be shutting up and believing that loud person is competent, strong and sane, grown up adult. If we believe this loud person as our guidance, instead of nuisance, in time we will develop social anxiety because we will expect the same yack every time, in any social settings. We can express our opinion without force and with or without being kind. This applies both to small chat or some serious conversation.
We believe loud person words because they broadcast two parallel messages. They hate you and they love you. They want to be right and they want help from you with their strange and mysterious dead-end that they fell into, being frustrated by being trapped in not knowing how to get out. I interpret this loud person interaction as I am small, child (their projection of being brat onto others), I am invalid, I need protection (in form of their opinion), I need to be explained, I am incompetent, and it works also inside ourselves who interact with loud person as the effects of criticism on a child. For example, "it may make them feel like they aren’t capable". Or overly critical parents, ""to the point that you were visibly hurt, they would dismiss your feelings or make you feel weak for showing emotion", "always focused on the negative and found it difficult to say anything positive or encouraging". This opens up childhood trauma wounds since being loud/screaming/dramatic and shutting you up is very similar to past abuse. While in reality, we are dealing with some pompous ass, totally un-preoccupied by us, without any awareness how they impact people around them. They are not evil, 'they are clutzes'. They are not abusers, 'they are schlemiels'. They appear evil and abusive, rude and inconsiderate. They simply do not know better, they are simple, uneducated and with low intelligence. We think we are talking with someone intelligent and they appear intelligent but they are not. Intelligent people do not yell. Adult people are not irritable like small children who just can't have their toy right this minute. They drag us down to their level. They lead us if we are unaware to childhood, the mental place that they are stuck in. But to them it appears as adult place. This is the reason why they are not the problem. This transference to the past is problem. Going back to time when they (loud people) and we were little kids, not knowing, not having all information - and now being faced with adult issues that to them appear very complex and make them frustrated. They drag us to childhood in a way that we react to them. For them, this loud person is everyday place. To us, being in contact with loud person is time machine to childhood. And we are not aware of this time travel switch. We are not aware loud people drag us back to place when we were traumatized as kids and we then respond to stress from that past event. 4F responses: freeze, flight, fight or fawn. They are not aware they are stuck being kids trapped in adult body. Easiest way to deal with such clutzes would be to avoid and ignore them, so they do not influence our mood and stir up our reactions and social anxiety symptoms, but without socializing you are also risking developing social anxiety symptoms in the long run - simply by avoiding. People get social anxiety symptoms outside when they face the world without being aware of emotional hijacking, and they also get social anxiety when they choose to avoid and become stagnant, in the comfort zone without being aware lack of skills lead to low confidence and eventually fears when faced with loud people. And in the end, some people cannot be avoided, you must be around them. I am good, I am kind, I have good manners, always nice and then for me, it automatically means I must respect other people words as orders. And in the case of loud people, I get two conflicting messages that I listen to them both. The messages are: "customer is always right" fawn response and mentality plus "my opinion is wrong simply because of yelling from other person and that loud person (child trapped in adult body) is competent and correct" therefore by default I am wrong and I must shut up. Narcissists use this two-messaging system for their gaslighting, real abuse. Narcissists exploit kind and nice people and etiquette. Loud people exploit this etiquette and two messaging system without being aware, it simply works from their childish perspective and they will happily repeat it until they die, they do not know any other alternative, their brain capacity does not allow it.
Werner Heisenberg said: "What we observe is not the nature itself, but the nature exposed to our method of questioning". This means as much as we explain our reality through our experience - for example being abused and having trauma - so the loud person will explain their reality through their experience: that due to low IQ they face challenges of things and people not working, having no knowledge how to deal with things and people, having no awareness how to interact with things and people, other than yelling. Having no mental capacity to learn and observe everything from more than one perspective, point of view. Yelling works for them (until they meet someone louder than them), others shut up, so it means the screamer is correct and most people will move away or agree with them for the sake of peace and what is in the end, always non-relevant topic. This also means that loud and aggressive people will exploit good and kind people, just as narcissist do. In their head, they think they have found functional tool to achieve their goals and to attain their tasks done - simply by yelling at people. Something they cannot solve, they simply yell peaceful person into submission and bully nice people to do the work for them. It works until they are faced by opposition, this is why I encourage alarm and alert system whenever the boundaries are clearly crossed. We understand that they are acting like kids, we know if we shut up we will agree to do as they order, this builds up as resentment inside us. And by now we know the cost of resentment (mental illness in the long term). We now know when we minimize resentment and develop deep forgiveness that from this perspective we can react and do accordingly to situation in better way than holding onto grudge. Depending on situation we can either ignore them, not get sucked into grudge mode, or we can talk it out, having superior knowledge and ability to see things from more than one perspective. With knowledge you are dealing with kid trapped in adult body, you can phrase your response with empathy instead of irritation, as if you are talking to a kid, using child analogies, words that are easy to understand and comprehend.
If someone is openly aggressive, paradoxically you have easy defense - you can easily protect yourself, even though it is traumatic, stressful and possibly physically dangerous but you can easily see and be aware that you are dealing with very sick and dangerous person. You can call for help, call for police or institutions for help. Openly aggressive person will not talk loudly, they yell and walk away after they are done, they do not talk because they do not listen, they dump their abuse and turn back because they know there are people who will fight them back. Even though this is very stressful, it is somehow easier to ignore it, the resentment toward such people is not so enmeshed as it is with loud people, obnoxious people. You do not share your feelings and vulnerabilities with openly aggressive person - you shut them out both physically and mentally because it is clear they are monsters you deal with. You do not trust monster. You do not make friends with monsters. You do not make plans and share your finances and any kind of worthy reserves with monsters. Borders are easier to set, so from that point they cannot hurt you in deep way as loud, obnoxious person can.
But what you do when you deal with loud person? They do not appear openly maniac. They probably are not. Their methods however do. Their behaviour is issue, a very big problem if we take it at face value. You cannot defend yourself easily, in most cases you are not even aware you are dealing with a person with low IQ, someone you would never take seriously if they do not holding their mask preventing you to see whom you are really dealing with. Again, as I said many times, other people are not making us crazy, it is our interpretations and our beliefs and our explanations of crazy making circumstances and crazy people.

Problem are settings that seem friendly to us. And we open up. Settings that we cannot avoid - family gatherings or workplace "buddies". Everyone is loud there, and you must be in such settings, you cannot avoid them. Others are not psychos, they do not have torture tools, so the settings appear normal enough for you to open up and be receptive, you have no other choice. You relax and you think you can trust others. If someone is loud, triggers go off, we change ourselves into safe mode without being aware of it, and we people please in order to calm down person who appears as our childhood traumatic experience bullies. The only solution is to be aware what is going on. The only solution is to be active and not avoid social settings and any social gathering that we are offered. We need more experience and we need to be in contact with other people who are normal, for our own relationship skills building. Loud people make us focus on them, rather than on good people who desperately need our words and us physically supporting them. You may react to loud people by yelling back at them, but you will feel ashamed later because they will accuse you of being hyper sensitive, even though they are acting like cavemen jerks to start with. We have one advantage though. We can confront and talk our opinions out. We refrain from argument very quickly because we think the others are hurting if we are authentic, direct and speak the uncomfortable truth. We think loud person will be hurt and that they cannot deal with truth, so we want to spare their feelings. On subconscious level they will be hurt, but their low IQ and lack of education is preventing them realizing this. They will never admit they are hurt, it would mean to admit that they are too sensitive - something they project onto others every time so easily (labeling and mocking other that reactive person who calls loud person on their obnoxious behaviour is snowflake). This is our secret weapon - it means we can in kind manner talk it out. Even though they act angrily, irritating, we can talk and talk without stopping. Although deep down they are hurt, they are not hurt on logical level, not as we would be - since they have no logic. They are dumb. They only appear intelligent to us because we explain our reality through ourselves, we think other people mindset is copy paste of our own past experience. Our social anxiety fear are not all people in general. Our social anxiety fear are specifically rude, loud people and possible or real criticism that comes out of their mouths. Being loud itself is a form of criticism because it is non verbal gesture for recipient to shut up (so that we would listen to loud person). We think others have the same definitions as we do. We want to spare them of attack so we shut up and we feel guilty because their wrong opinion seem to win argument. They interpret this backing off as sign their loud screaming is a good thing since it works but they are unable to be aware that someone might back off just for their sake, that they do not humiliate them in front of others by exposing their ignorance and low IQ. We can also tell our truth and then ignore them after we said our standpoint. If we are aware that loud person is dumb, if they are constantly loud at any meeting and at any conversation, they have low IQ. With this awareness we can easily ignore them. If we think they are intelligent, we would not be able to ignore it so easily. We would care, it would bother us. We would have need to come ti the truth, new knowledge, common ground and new findings, new realizations and new perspectives. Loud obnoxious people have no empathy, they do not see other people as human beings, they see it as appearances of people (something like adults are depicted in Tom&Jerry cartoons - you never see their faces, the picture cartoon frame is looking from the ground perspective so adult is too tall to fit into frame) and they are trapped in childish  egocentric mode of weak little baby that can only get from life through temper tantrums, as oppose through talking and expressing through words as adults do. With this awareness with whom you are dealing with, you can say directly, you can say direct authentic words - you are yelling, you can describe their behaviour, they are not aware that they are pouting, in their world this is normal interaction, to pout as little babies. And they will probably be sincerely shocked, by suddenly become aware that they are loud, or they will brush it off, claiming you are too sensitive. Saying someone they are too sensitive is projecting. Being sensitive comes in different flavours, it is not only if you can't stand loud noises, being too sensitive is also when you are unable accept other opinions than your own.

My own explanation do damage to myself if I explain to myself that I must be silent, or the opposite - that I must join in their temper tantrum in order to appear strong and make impression, to compete with them, join in rat wheel of showing off competence. My own explanations do damage to myself  if I explain myself that they (loud people) hate me, that it is important what they think. It makes damage if I explain to myself something is not right here, that I am being gaslighted. Narcissists gaslight. Narcs are very rare. Loud people are not intelligent enough to gaslight. Loud people imitate gaslighting because they tapped into it by childish methods of influencing good and nice people who do not call them out on their purposely confusing expression of their opinions based on narrow tunnel perspective due to shrunken brain capacity or inability to grow up and look at life from different perspectives. If I explain myself that everyone is narcissist, I set myself to be in constant alarm mode. Statistically it is not possible for large numbers of psychopaths to exist, they are rare. Even corrupt and poor countries have mechanism to keep these psychopath numbers low. For example, reasonable person will avoid entering full blown mode because they want to impress other people to be perfect. They will hold on to rudeness to certain extent but rarely exceed themselves into being openly monsters either because others would naturally avoid them (and thus they would be left alone with no one admiring them - they would deplete their narcissistic supply) or they might risk losing a job (often at some managerial position that corrupt countries have negative selection through corrupt values seeing angry and forceful maniacs as sign they are competent and to them they seem they can deal with life) if they turn their attacks in what they desire inside to do - physical violence to cause harm and hurt in others. If we enter in war mode (explain to ourselves we are being taken advantage and we must fight to show off our competence and strength) - soon enough any social situations will turn us into wounded person, and everyone and anyone will trigger us, we will see and perceive personal attack in anyone and everyone. In this way explanations that other people are toxic creates damage, it sets me up for self sabotage. If I explain myself that others do not care for my feelings, I set myself to feel resentment (virus that creates mental illness in long term). The truth is most people are dumb, and they care only for themselves, they do not have mental capacity to notice other people around them, not because they do not want to, they lack mental resources to care. We cannot punish them for something they have no choice over and that is limiting and debilitating state for them. If we explain ourselves it is other people choice, we will feel resentment towards them. In reality, sociopaths who directly choose to harm others are rare occurrence. Narcissistic personality disorder is not the same as child trapped in adult body that displays plethora of narcissistic characteristics. In corrupt, poor countries, people are being taught to ashame others (instead of constructive punishing and alarming). People are taught to be jumpy and without patience, they are taught this is sign of strength and masculinity. Narcissism (not disorder itself) is cultural by-product of poverty, not that they truly enjoy harming others. This is also why alarm and alert system works - we educate dumb folks, make them aware they lack mental hygiene. If I explain myself that other people are childish, I will work myself up that they should be yelled back at, instead of adopting alarm and alert system to the atmosphere and given circumstances. If I explain myself other loud people are loud for whatever reason, I set myself to see ways how they must be punished, for any kind of resentment is form of control. Controlling others is cognitive distortion. Controlling others is based on resentment and I provide myself with explanations why. I feel annoyed and irritated, as much as they do, and I explain myself then I will resort to their childish behaviour to show them their own medicine. This explanations come from resentment and this is why they do not work in long term. This is why at the core of social anxiety disorder is our own resentment, not the crazy dumb people who illicit social anxiety symptoms inside us. Better and healthier solution is developing deep forgiveness to minimize virus in form of resentment that only creates damage if we think of ways how to resent people.

Some loud people are dualistic and as such they create inner hurt inside us. We trust them, they appear friendly, they share their personal stories and we confide in each other. But since they hold mask, they are not authentic, although they appear talkative and open, they withhold their true narcissistic abusive nature. They were traumatized as kids, but as adults they choose aggression to deal with their wounds. But they present this struggle as righteous. They also see hostility in everyone and everything. But they choose to explain their aggressive reaction as the only way to handle other abusive people. The damage they do is that they appear in one light sensitive and wounded and in another light they consciously harm others, sometimes even physically - for example as spitting or nit-picking, beating the dead horse or screaming in someone's face. The damage they do to us is when they give us advice and when they label us though toxic shame as weak and too sensitive (even though they are too sensitive themselves and have working knowledge how sensitivity is different than choosing weakness to illicit sorrow in others). And we believe them and we take their honest advice as truth. But this advice is based on their resentment, holding on to grudge and thus it is mentally ill. In long term their advice produce chaos and destruction of relationships. They do damage to us and we believe them because we do not see their true face, we only see their mask. We do not see they are monsters. Due to dualistic nature, they act sometimes gentle and sometimes they scream and belittle us into submission and make us feel ashamed, until their ultimate goal - to see hurt, pain and reaction of fear on our eyes. Those people are on highway to become full blown narcissists with time, as they shred of good part of dualistic nature and become what they authentically are - monsters. With time they will shed like snake's skin any sign of "weakness" and "being too good" and leave only parts that they will use to manipulate unsuspecting targets. The damage they do before turning into easily recognizable person you need to avoid, is that we listen to their advice which are in fact orders that we must comply and listen to, otherwise they will remind us that we do not listen to them, and thus we are not friendly, good, sane or worthy for them. This is also good example where our alarm and alert system works perfectly. We can easily call them out if they label us of anything. If they encourage violence and resentment, it is easy to point it out, call on their destructive behaviour, and whatever their reaction might be, it is best to avoid such people if possible. At least, once we are not obligated (perhaps by job) to see them often any more, they will know they have done something wrong, since we alerted them in time and we would be ignoring them with peace of mind, not worrying if we should feel guilty for cutting contact that appear friendly and gentle. Cutting contact with full blown monster is easy. Stopping person from our life who is not authentic and wears masks is harder. Manipulative (dualistic, mask wearing, non authentic) people want us to join in their hysteria. We can call them out on their behaviour, we can tell that in their face that clearly describe their resentment intentions and futility - since they see their aggression as Crusade for justice. They explain their aggression as calling out on people behaviour version. But Calling out on people behavior is not ashaming tool, it is not to control others, it is not to expect other person to change and to force change. Since this control demand impossible result, it soon turns into being loud and screaming. Yelling at someone is non productive, other person cannot change. People with wounds are hurt both by yelling and condescending attitude. Aggressive people do not understand this and they do not want to understand it because their true goal is to see other people suffer. They do not have goal to come to conclusions and workable win-win solution, they simply want to see their target broken down to the point of being unable to run daily activities so they would depend on them as their guides. That is what aggressive people secretly seek from other people. To dominate and to be authoritarian - bu they are not aware of it. They simply run scenario that they have learned through childhood trauma. Life experience based on their resentment will only confirm that other people are worthless and hostile, something to be crushed and conquered and controlled, and with time they will turn to open narcissism. They will set the stage to confirm narcissism and aggression are the only and best way to deal with life. Their negative experience will seem to them as confirmation of others being either weak or hostile, something that must be controlled by them, and with such perspective they will turn into their own abusive parents, repeating the cycle of abuse on their own children. The cycle can be easily broken with deep forgiveness and letting go of resentment but their calculations work over accumulating, their intentions are not good otherwise they would choose fawn response to stress as kids, not fight response. Deep down they want unjust and injustice, they lie and fake pretend to be good people as a way to surround themselves with good people to cover them up and support them, offering the support and kindness - not honestly but as a pay bank check mail-order system. People with social anxiety who choose fawn response are focused on their own pain and with stress emotional hijacking it is very hard to pick up the head out of sand and see with whom we are dealing with. People with social anxiety are lonely and desire social contacts, and these manipulative people will happily exploit this weakness and offer their services, agreement with Devil, that they will profit later on, when we open enough so that they start accusations and ashaming that they explain is good for us, and we are simply too sensitive. This is why alarm and alert system protects us from parasites. We do not need to argue with them, they want us to see our fear reactions, they thrive on it. We can state objectively what is right and what is wrong. We do not need to try to come up with conclusion with aggressive people. In this case we can be stubborn and childish ourselves. If someone exploits and makes fun of ourselves, we are better of alone. Self love is always the better option than depending on other people approval. If dualistic people were honest with you, they would reveal to you that they were hurt and they want to hurt other people because of their hurt. How can you trust someone with that bully attitude? You would trust and take their words as granted if you did not their true intentions, so this tells us even though some people may appear friendly, if they illicit any kind of ashaming attitude towards us (that is disguised as a way to educate us and reveal our faults) - they are aggressive and not gentle at all. They should not be trusted any more. Their advice is not something that must be taken as given and final.

I have noticed that only with other people, with communication with them I can come up with new ideas. The previous experience and knowledge can be put to test, that otherwise I could not do it on my own. Other people idea, notions, observance, opinions and standpoints - even when they clash with mine, make me bettering up my own knowledge. It sharpens my own ideas and conclusions, opinions. This is why it is so detrimental to be in contact with manipulative people. They are friendly and loud into shutting me up and making me feel ashamed of my own opinions and words. Unexpressed thoughts and censorship and self-censorship is not healthy. They force mental illness via censorship.

At this point we can observe two phenomena taking place. The first one is that loud people are actually in defense mode, they react to what they interpret manipulative people, so we can have compassion for them as people who are living in delusion. This is why it always work best to approach conflict without resentment and try our best to convince the pouted, sulking person that we mean no harm.
The other interesting thing is that beneath social anxiety (unknown fear from people) lies very specific entangled web of hostilities and almost mathematical, strategic policies that are generating the unknown fear on the surface, that we are aware of. We are not aware of hostility, we experience it as uncomfortable physical symptoms unrelated to others. That is why the correct knowledge and education are helpful, not analysis paralysis. The correct knowledge would be definitions. For example, even though I struggled with intrusive thoughts for decades, ever since 1988/1989, I only learned about it in 2015. Up until then I was not aware I had PureOCD. It seemed to me perfectly fine and normal narrative in my thoughts. Anxiety and fears were somehow outside and external and I never associated my own thinking with anxiety even though I would read about it in the books and online. What I was missing was the definition of "intrusive thoughts". I came up with "intrusive thoughts" only after I pulled out dozen of self help books and I went through them, highlighted sentences that logically were looking responsive to my fears and after I extracted short advice from all of them, I noticed that I had serious problem with overthinking and that it was not so normal as it appears from my own current standpoint. Learning about it more, I have learned that I do not have to chase every stick my brain likes to throw and that my brain will gladly produce plethora of fears if I show interest in them as a way to protect myself and feel safe.

The definitions are very important. Loud people lack knowledge and education. They fill in missing and unknown data with yelling. They force closing voids by exploiting good and nice people who they scare into submission. If we lack knowledge and education, instead of resentment, we can choose forgiveness to guide us and we will secure ourselves from trouble down the road. Resentment comes in different ways but the basic premise is explanation and perception of reality through belief that we can control other people. Someone parks inappropriately even though they do not block our path - it angers us and we want revenge, we want to alarm and alert this person who is not directly attacking us, they simply are there. Being aware how silly and unproductive is to hold grudge, we can be calm and serene instead of being locked in fight mode, producing mental deviations and unhappiness. Then, if we wait patiently enough to check our byproduct mental ideas of our resentment, as it will almost always turn out, this person who parked in a little inappropriate way will turn out to be struggling pregnant girl with baby cart, not some drunken, selfish, non caring low life white trash that we explained it in our head that our resentment produced as explanation.

People with social anxiety attract narcissists, abusers, psychopaths and sociopaths because we are friendly and we value cooperation. They exploit this by them being loud, they notice that we go through inner collapse and haywire when they are loud enough and that we fawn to them when they are hysterical. They also notice if they belittle and attack us that we are excellent target since we remain silent and this is signal for them they can cross our boundaries. They also exploit generally accepted mocking and sarcasm as something normal and everyday occurrence in social situations, they use it to their advantage to shut up the targets. Now here is what is tricky: such people are not so common and most of them are easily blocked. So we can some to conclusion that most self-help books and honest social anxiety advisors miss: that 95% of people are good, and 5% of them are manipulators. Yet, those small amount of 5% do the damage of 95% inside ourselves. Since brain is wired to expect the danger (in a form of PureOCD, intrusive forms), brain will gladly see and expect danger in everything, in the past, in the present and in the future. Manipulators simply pick on our wounds - and since wounds are not visible, no one can understand it, except parasites who feed off of it. They do not care how you feel and what you think, they see it works when they are aggressive and that they can come by it. They don't care if it will last for 5 minutes or 5 years, they will simply find another target if you leave. If we speak out about it - we will be blamed to be too sensitive. And tragically, most people do not believe others to be in pain if there is no blood and physical wound. We are left to our own devices to alarm&alert, and plan leaving and ignoring people who are rude. As one You tube commentator once said, people with severe social anxiety/avoidance seem very likely to be victims of severe manipulator's abuse. Those 5% of sociopaths are so dangerous, that if we hold resentment against them, we will hold the virus and get infected by being irritated and inflict their hate onto other people. We know toxic people are wounded themselves and they had to have deviated childhood and consequently life. But they are responsible for their life as adults, we cannot fix them and that is not our responsibility. If we hate them and hold grudge, we will become drama queens and over-react to even imagined rudeness. Someone will seem to us as someone from the past and we'll destroy possibly new relationships based on our delusions and fears we cling to. On the other hand, if we see rude and obnoxious people as victims, we may feel go in other direction and see them as wounded children trapped in adult bodies (ego-centrics) which they are, and leave them alone without signalling them when they cross their boundaries.

Loud people even though they are not evil by choice, they make damage as if caused by evil around themselves as by-product of their sulking. The nature handles this part, we do not need to be judges and policemen. People naturally leave them alone and ignore them if they become unbearable. Perhaps, when they are loud, this is finally their 5 minutes of fame and they want to be seen and heard, like any other ego-centric spoiled brat. Let them have it. You can have now peace of mind either to ignore them or talk with them or ignore them after you expressed your opinion. The important thing is to be in good mood. Loud people leave us in limbo, they are toxic but they are not toxic. They direct conversation in their direction, they base false grounds for their points, they yell at your opinion (raise their voice and appear threatening), they confuse you since their low IQ talks about unrelated components of conversation that appears as if they will say some relevant information by going in different, wrong direction, so they confuse others (gaslight without being aware they gaslight), you talk about correct perspective that appears different and irrelevant to them because they have no mental capacity to think it through, and they steer conversation in dead end street, the blockage, at their level of thinking. They point you where they are stuck, but they won't tell it like this, they will yell and be frustrated. They desperately seek for help but they are not aware they seek help. They hate other people words but they desperately seek other people words to explain them how to return home (normal mode instead of their own emotional hijacking that took place in their limiting minds). We are not aware they are stuck there in dead-end street, and if we do realize they brought us in dead end street - we can easily explain it our way, and this is sign we are intelligent, we have solution for their problem, that they also resent. Bullies sniff our intelligence, it irritates them because they know truth hurts them but also help them, and this confusion is very irritating to them. But loud people yelling makes us shut up. And then they stay in dead end street, frustrated, and then they project their frustration onto others and have pessimistic view on life. Again, if we are not aware they are dumb, we will believe them and join in their misery, not being aware that they are so dumb and we have mental capacity to solve 95% of their life long problems just by thinking, observing and stacking possible elements into solution like Lego bricks. But their anger and screaming prevent us to talk it out and solve it. They drag you down in their perspective that you know is wrong. They have tunnel vision while you are high above it all point of view and see everything from air, x-rays and double vision. If I expect all these, I can be prepared to explain, if I wish so. If I am aware I can talk without being patronizing, knowing they are unable to understand all this process. I can socialize. Otherwise, I get focused on loud people reactions and I get blocked both by their screaming and my own doubts and self sabotage. I do not explain, I shut up. I self censor. Loud people see conversation as competition. We see it as market of ideas.

Unfortunately, folks with social anxiety never go out and always choose to avoid social settings and thus they never test this in action, in the real world. We have solutions inside. The more we lower our own ego-centrism, the more we will have success in any area of life. Resentment is a part of ego-centrism. Resentment is at the root of social anxiety and all mental illnesses. The right attitude is forgiveness. If we love others, we won't have time to judge them and waste time on hurt and pain. We have social anxiety because we care about people, we enjoy being around with them, with good and kind people. We have resources and worth to be around them. They need us as much as we need them, even though from anxiety perspective it does not seems so.
People with social anxiety add their explanations while outside. Even in action, while exposing (ERP) anxiety is still present, these explanations are way too critical, inappropriate to reality, extreme and above anything, totally incorrect but they appear real and they hurt a lot. We see automatically others when they are slightly rude and loud as competent and their every reaction as proof for our fears and indication we are inferior and we should shut up. We shut down, we give up doing out goals and tasks, create and sustain relationships. That is devastating effect of social anxiety. Without anxiety, we would focus on repairing, fixing, upgrading and creating new experiences. The way out of social anxiety is recognizing the resentment how it displays inside us and replacing it with forgiveness mentality, do as much as it is possible to remove grudge mode. It helps to know about emotional hijacking and that we get triggered, it's good to know and be aware what is going on and what is behind this unpleasant feeling not trusting others and feeling threatened and personally attacked. Without resentment we stop expecting too much from ourselves and put unnecessary pressure to impress others in order to calm their anger and our fear from their opinions. We give up from rat wheel of following angriest person and their demands, their opinion when we are enlightened no longer matters. We no longer see them as superior, valid and sane - we see them in the real light - the complete opposite. We can now focus on ourselves and good people we take for granted, on our goals and tasks and action.
I have noticed that without resentment and pouting attitude, I feel more different anxiety, the anxiety that I felt earlier when I was younger but I buried it with my explanations and people pleasing and approval addiction. I also noticed that I come out of grudge mode, being irritated and holding evidenced and offenses against people more easily and quicker than before. I no longer feel need to overcompensate, that I am wrong and I must hide and make additional efforts not to attract attention either by showing off or by being suspicious, to draw attention either in positive or negative way. I also started to write down all my new found revelations that calm me down here to remember it all because every new stress and trigger works as small amnesia and it appears as totally new situation and appears as unrelated complex task to deal with, Triggers - calming down. Without holding on to resentment and grudge mode I have more time to do tasks, without hanging up to worrying mode, rumination and addictions, addictions as forms of avoiding facing the fears. I am aware that my fawn response is ingrained now and it won't be easy to change it at the press of the button. I know that realizations that I have in my calm, normal mode that I doubt them until someone else validate them - through talk or quotes. That is approval addiction, I will need time to trust myself. But I am also know now that the basis, the grounds are set. No resentment and knowing emotional hijacking phenomena, knowing how to calm myself down, and being aware what is going on in the first place.

Social anxiety does not wear away after first few moments of interacting.
7 Signs It's Social Anxiety, Not Shyness

Perceived need to have everyone like them, control everyone to like them that it can drive them to serious psychological issues anxiety, depression, even suicide. Not feeling liked, accepted.
Accept yourself as you are right now. Nobody is hard on you as you yourself.
I am never going to give my energy to people that I don't know if I like them yet. I am not trying to attract people whom I have no common with that I put on pedestal that i try to change myself, to get them to like me. To dislike them, do it in very neutral way, no energy in hate, not taking about them.
Be neutral, kind to people. You don't have the right to add suffering of someone else just because you feel you are suffering right now.
YT We need to normalize being disliked

It’s as if everyone is walking around with a map of the world in their heads, but not all the maps are the same. If we could understand how others see the world, it would help us to get along with people better. We could create better relationships, better families, better lives.
 http://characterchange.com/9-fundamental-fears-that-motivate-your-characters/


Some kind of push, tell them off, you have to do something they know you push back. It is human nature that we attack weak people. We see weakness, no matter how gentle, we are naturally wired inclined to take advantage and torment people who are weaker.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNoI3D-ff5A

 

If we dump our negative feelings on others, they experience it as an attack forced to suppress, express, or escape the feelings; therefore, the expression of negativity results in the deterioration and destruction of relationships.
"Letting Go" by David Hawkins

(5-may-2021)

The reason why I would emphasize the resentment/deep forgiveness as solution to manage social anxiety is because when we are outside, when we face our fears, when we do exposure - we forget everything that we have learned. We will most probably be triggered without being aware we are actually in arousal state. This is there mini amnesia occurs and we simply cannot remember all details how to act and how to react and how to respond to upcoming surprising and new situations. It is similar to watching some emotional movie - you are impressed by it for a day or two, and then you forget about it and it no longer has the same impression any more. Each outdoor event / exposure experience is specific even though it seems the same. Knowing about devastating effect of resentment as a producer of anxiety and distorted reality, we know it will be healthy to turn to deep forgiveness mentality instead. We won't be even aware that we hold resentments inside, that we hold grudge and that we are pouting and sulking. It will appear as normal though line that is experiencing some irritations caused by other annoying and obnoxious people - or to be correct - their behaviour that is toxic and it is impacting us to remove us from our "window of tolerance". Our irritations appear justified to us. Annoyed people are triggering us and we focus on crusade, to either teach them right or to fawn. Each response is based on resentment, need to control others. In this state it is almost impossible to remember how to deal with difficult people - we can't remember all learned tips and all helpful advice. The shortcut is simply to diminish feeling of resentment and to develop forgiveness attitude - and then look for our better thoughts producing ideas that will cope and manage life in healthier way.

Also, since many people do not learn definitions, they do not know what they are dealing with - how to name their mental issues, for example fawn response, it is safe to assume that in the future more great discoveries will be made in the field of mental health. This means we do not know everything and we are unable to know everything, there will always be new discoveries. Toxic shame harbours many secrets. As physicists falsely presumed in 19th century that all is discovered and there is nothing more to be discovered, quantum theory soon showed up to prove them wrong. In the same way, mental health will soon discover many little details how people are connected and how words, actions have long term effect on other people via butterfly effect. This is impossible for now, since no one is interested in researching social phobia and the research takes a long time. The shortcut is forgiving mentality. We have no proof about its health benefit on individual and society, yet it works and it is the only way to deal with everything in life. We do not need to know and be assured by through study research. We already know it works through religious and spiritual insight, politicians and many wise, intelligent and great people from our history. It is incredibly hard to simply tolerate annoying people. It feels good to hold grudge. Yet, it is great that awareness about resentment is creating a blast inside our thought line, that during irritation is wired to think only in the terms of fear, tunnel vision. Being aware of resentment offers us to focus from something unknown, anxiety, mysterious, darkness and fear onto something quite tangible - the other people. That is why I think social anxiety is panacea for all anxiety disorders, clue to solving social anxiety is also key for all other disorders.

This is where other people play crucial role. With trauma, we tend to fawn. This means we automatically see other people loud and aggressive opinions, words, actions and thoughts as orders, as our personal guide. We do it automatically. We can't remember in the moment when we are outside and socializing this fact. Because of this we cannot evaluate other people in objective manner. We see them almost as our saviours, even though they may be rude to us. This triggers more stress, not only being around loud and annoying people. We cannot argue with them, they are stubborn, they will always outsmart us because most stubborn of them are sick in the head and probably criminally insane. They do not operate at the same normal civilized level as we do. This is where the central issue lies - our fawn response makes us believe us that we are dealing with a normal person - and we perceive their words as whatever they say as truth. This makes us naive and this is where our naivety springs from. We could not understand before why we get duped so easily, we shrug it off by us being kind people. But the problem is not us. Thinking we are the problem only ruins our confidence and make us fawn even more. Again, to stop this never-ending loop, as we try to diminish resentment and grow our forgiveness attitude - we will be able to start to see loud people objectively. We do not need to memorize all this blog or books about how to do anything, step by step instructions are futile and make us more anxious if we try to remember them - because it will throw us into analysis-paralysis loop. Without holding on to resentments, we will calm down and we will deposit instructions from within naturally, depending on situation.

The deep forgiveness is not forgiveness for the sake of peace. It is not about pretending the problem is not existing. Deep forgiveness allows us to get rid of shackles and instead of silence and fear and rumination - to actually confront abuser with a peace of mind mentality, instead of panic. Deep forgiveness is being humble. It is about having humility. We know we do not know everything and we are open to stand corrected. Being corrected, admitting to be wrong is not the same as shutting up and self-censorship. We do not see others as levels - either above us or below us, we see others that we are all on pair.

(8-may-2021)

Definitions.
Sometimes I miss words to express myself. I lack knowledge and I cannot define what bothers me. I do not know how to put into words something that feels a little bit off, so I am not sure whether it is a problem or is problem my over-reaction. Modern psychiatry is still learning and discovering phenomena such as The Mere Exposure Effect. It is easier when we can recognize something. The labeling has also its dark side of leading us astray so it's good to keep open mind even though we might finally define something that was in the dark before.

Social Anxiety is complex of unknown entities, phenomena, words and actions that are hidden from plain sight. We bump into some object/stumbling block in the dark and this bumping hurt us, but we cannot truly see what we actually bumped into. We think we know what we bumped into and go with delusion we strongly believe, but they are all in the dark if we still keep on bumping. Anxiety will always subdue when we start shed a light, and this means when we finally find definitions. We will try to define our world based on past experience (which may be trauma and thus define everything through trauma or bad, faulty parenting - keep on criticizing ourselves and equate emotions with reality). We also see the world through our knowledge and capacity of definitions that we stored so far in our brain. We can be aware only of what we know. And the truth is - we can never know and we will never know everything. This is why interdependence and community is crucial. We need other people. If we avoid and if we feel anxiety from other people we depreciate ourselves from knowledge, definitions, we get malnourished - we miss our vitamins intake. If we live in toxic environment (Stanford Prison Experiment), we'll grow up without some common knowledge and definitions, without love and skills how to enjoy company and feel at easy and on par with other people. We might never forgive ourselves, constantly feel toxic shame and never-ending guilt, and expect perfectionism and expect that we can and we are allowed to change other people. We were learned to disrespect ourselves, and thus we disrespect others, too. We believe we have no rights, so other people rights are also subject to our control. Since this won't work on people who react to it, we will naturally give hard time to tolerant, nice and good people. This is why we ourselves are common target for bullies. This is why bullies, abusers, narcissists love their targets to be friendly and chatty and in the same time silent to probing and being rude. If you ignore someone but in the same time spend time with them - this is dangerous path to inferiority complex and submissive, passive aggressive mentality and codependency. That is why it is crucial to know definitions. We need to recognize when someone crosses their boundaries. We need to be aware when we ourselves are over-reacting. We need to be aware to express our defenses without coming as monster as other rude people are. We become what we hate. Resentment is virus of mind that sets us off to mental illness. The resentment itself is sometimes hard to define - it is hard to discover it, because it is a virus.

This checklist might help with defining our social anxiety issues:

Now we can replace something unknown as social anxiety, some giant uncomfortable fear feeling with specific, pinpointed issues that were hidden in the dark and out of our plain sight.
Social anxiety is fear from even slight criticism. Without resentment we can look at it from place of calm instead of our over-reacting. Criticism may as well be real or -in most cases, imagined. I feel accused, and this feeling is uncomfortable. If we speak it out, the other person will commonly say that we are over-reacting, that we are too sensitive and they will rarely admit they crossed boundaries and made unfair, hurtful statement. We learned as kids to deal with this accusations as resentment, pouting and holding on to grudge. We shut up and we passively aggressively get even or avoid person and situation. This hurting words are porcupine dilemma.

So to social anxiety sufferer, our over-reactions and our over-sensitivity will feel dumb, silly and something out of control, and something that is specific only to us and other people are normal, healthy, competent and better, stronger than us - but in reality this is common social occurrence. People prick each other. It is not over sensitivity. Other people are just not aware - they miss definitions, they see it as annoyance and do not pay much attention to it. Most people will unconsciously - especially if they are ego-centric, be the king of the hill - and they will compete and try always to be right no matter what, no matter the truth. Most people are annoyed by someone who displays hurt - if there are not physical bruises. Of course, it is best to spent less time with such immature people but we either cannot cut some connections (due to family or job/service) or the environment we live in is so "dumb" and not clever enough, that if we do cut connections - we would be alone - and thus we would cut ourselves from nutrition that socializing is producing. The fruits of socialization are the goal and product we need, it is essential. Socializing makes priority over annoying people (all all within its limits of course).

Therefore we need definitions to recognize toxic people who are choosing "dark" side. Sometimes it is easy to recognize psychopaths, but sociopaths wear masks and we may not recognize them simply by their appearance. Social anxiety is fear from uncomfortable, rude people and their reactions to us. We automatically desire psychological safety - being comfortable with others. Sometimes people use mocking, criticism as something normal and usual, it is accepted in western societies as something normal. Unfortunately, narcissists and psychopaths are abusing this standard to their advantage. They use it to manipulate others into submission and fear and their control. If you say something - they will accuse you and mock you to be snowflake. In almost all cases, it is the person who is accusing others of something that they are projecting, and they are snowflakes themselves, buried deep down. But if you make fun of easy target to be something you are yourself, you will appear in this act of aggression as competent and strong. It will be easier for us to defend ourselves or choose to ignore if we know definitions. Of course, the first step is always to diminish resentment so that we get to the place of calm. Since we cannot recognize sociopaths over someone who is clutz and is annoying simply due to their immaturity and ignorance, we can make mistake and choose to respond to our feeling of threat by aggression and accuse and attack others as their rude comments spring up. This is not productive and it is not adult response, since irritability is sign of ego-centrism. If we are annoying ourselves we will risk others to avoid us. If we choose to hate other hateful people, we will become like them, monsters. This is why knowing definitions is a way to diminish our anxiety. We tried this through overthinking, but we were not focused in the right direction. We tried to ruminate and search what is going on. Sociopaths also use this unawareness through gaslighting and make us confused even more, then laugh and mock us when we end tangled up.

 

When we feel accused, this is actually trigger. We are triggered and we are not aware, because it feels like normal continuation of day. There is no alarm and we might simply feel slightly uncomfortable if someone say something slightly critical. If we do recognize it is hurtful, we should alarm and alert other person. But this is where it gets tricky. We do not know the other person intention and why they said it. Perhaps it was misunderstanding and they were actually talking about something completely different. The more we are aware of potential other perspectives other than the one we strongly believe in, the more healthier and less egocentric we will be ourselves. If we are not sure how to define our reaction, the best first reaction is to stop and gather all information about what is going on, and also as always check if there is resentment virus inside my mind. 

 Unfortunately, sociopaths take advantage of this capacity to understand others. They take advantage of people who sit and listen to them. They mock them as weak and label them as cowards, toxically ashame them. We can call them out on this behaviour and explain why we are quiet. Sociopaths deflect understanding, they do not want to be understood, they thrive on chaos and keep people be confused so the light would not be shone upon their weak, sore spots of being incompetent and dangerous. They use gaslighting to silence us without actually listening to them. The easiest way to achieve this is their display of temper tantrum. They simply thrive on good nature, friendly people who value socializing and cooperation and they exploit and parasite upon weak spots of socialization. The weak spot would be if you try to make sense of it, they will do everything in their power to turn your trying making sense of their manipulation by picking upon your analysis-paralysis phenomena and thus render you ashamed and confused while you are in overthinking loop, trying to make sense from their toxic behaviour and their habitual word manipulation that appears to us as "normal" and generally accepted form of socialization (for example, sarcasm).

Most of us are not cognizant of when we are being taken advantage of, at least until much later.
Game of Mind Manipulation, by Edwin Piers

Most often criticism comes in a form of pontification. It is very annoying and obnoxious and irritating but it feels good to person who speak it out. It would be a signal that this person is not much skillful in socialization and they do not have much friends, who would alert them before in the past. Our task is to express our opinion without the need to change other people. Our task is to speak our mind without being pontificate ourselves. The best way to do this is the same way when we deal with difficult people: We can agree in part. And also speak our side, too. People don't like being told what to do but they will gladly tell others without any hold ups. Social anxiety means being too sensitive to criticism - because we had past trauma and we were never been taught how to communicate without causing toxic shame to ourselves. So there is wound inside behind which is our hidden resentment that is causing being too sensitive to even slight criticism. If we speak up our hurt over someone who appears rude, we will come up annoying ourselves. Instead to come up friendly and non resentful, we can use I statements, our own experience which is very humble because we would expose our faults, errors that other might as well mock us for - but it is a sign we mean no harm to them. And in the same time we prove our point, we show others how to talk without making offense and we avoid creating bad blood. We talk it out, pack it inside the conversation, not as argument or conflict. This means if someone is critical but it came out of nowhere (it was not part of previous or it was not a part of ongoing conversation) - then it might be best to ignore it. However, in most cases we will be in social situation and we will chat and talk with people - and someone will prick us with their tasteless comment (some people do it to break the ice, not to invade or destroy us mentally - as it may appear to us).
For example, we might be talking about celebrities and their personal life. Another person may comment that they do not spend their time with their noses in private lives of others - making us feel ashamed as if we are gossipers. We can reply - I agree with you it is rude and wrong to pry into other people lives - but we are talking now in this moment about celebrities and some news article. We do not even know these people and they are not aware we exist, so they cannot be hurt by our discussion. And as celebrities they are aware that being public figure, you will be exposed to public opinion, it is not reasonable to expect someone ignoring you if you willingly step in spotlight. 

The breakthrough realization might be realizing that a person that we trusted and gave our time and intimacy might actually be a manipulator. Once we can give definition to unexplained/shocking/unexpected events/behaviour/ feelings, it can be easier to test it's validity and then it will be easier to behave, take stance in a much different and better, healthier and more functional way then before, before when we defined them through our discovery what we are actually dealing with. Some people are not aware that authentic people are unafraid because they know the secret of not holding resentments inside. Then these people try to imitate being strong, because they equate having energy and force that comes out of expressing ones opinion without resentment by being competent and better. They are unaware there is negative energy behind it, so they yell, scream and howl thinking this is the secret, totally unaware of being authentic vs being drama queen. The are also manipulators, because they want to control other people, but those people are not aware they are manipulating others. The most people need to be alerted and alarmed, they need to be told when they cross their boundaries - since what they are doing is out of sheer panic and feeling of inferiority, response to stress by aggression instead of other F responses (fight-flight-freeze and fawn). The problem are therefore people who are unaware and act like sociopaths on one side - and people who are covert narcissists - those who thrive to exploit and hurt people but they do not show their face, only through some small moves and gestures. Our task would be to pick, to separate the chaff from the grain. The manipulators should be avoided, they are unwilling to cooperate and seek only to cause chaos, they steal our time, energy and focus we should invest in good people who are silent and do not voice out that they need us - it is up to us to recognize and then turn away from negative and focus on positive. This is more specific task then being generally afraid of people, something unexplained, mysterious and surreal as social anxiety. It would be unreasonable to expect from people to know all this, so therefore we must be patient with people and allow them to grow in their own time, without interfering and forcing them to change - and expecting others people to change.

I would say being authentic in social situations will annoy some people, but we will feel better to express our words in kind manner, rather than choosing to be silent. If we are silent we will never show our true face to others, others will built image of us upon those parts that we never express out loud. If we stay silent, we will risk missing meeting people who think like us - new friends. If someone is particularly stubborn and habitually negative, at least they deserve to be told truth why we will avoid them. Being open and authentic might hurt someone who do not agree with us, but if we are careful and choose our words wisely we can rest assure that we were not aggressive and harmed anyone. This is what I found out in Zoroastrianism to be true: Good thoughts, good words, good deeds. Since we are good and kind people we have nothing to hide. We should let it out and be heard. The more friends we have, who are with us based on our authentic expression of what we are inside, the more stronger,confident we will feel. It does not mean to put other people in focus, it is rather by-product of being happy, content, open and friendly person. Social anxiety makes us prisoners and it makes us isolate ourselves from others because we are not aware what is bugging us inside when we are outdoors. Social anxiety can be reduced as soon as we let go of resentment and start building our definitions to shine light and chase off darkness away. Social anxiety is caused by negative people whom we grow resentment to, and they turn us into negative mentality. Negative people are manipulators. This is why it is important to be in good mood. Social anxiety is being in a constant negative mood, not by our own choice, but as habit. Social anxiety will diminish in proportion as we work on our good mood and maintaining it. Being irritable is ego-centrism, acting like a child. Being adult is being authentic.

We would be surprised to see missing definitions phenomena in real life. For example - ask someone how they define social anxiety, fear, anxiety, manipulation, love, empathy. You might be shocked to hear their own definitions. We would use the words and think we are speaking about the same thing, but other people simply have their own interpretations, which is the reason for speaking up and talking. Many people keep silent in order to avoid pointless arguments, but this noble cause is potentially damaging since it allows ignorance circling around. People base their decisions on wrong assumptions, based on wrong definitions and totally unaware they have wrong or partial definitions.

(11-may-2021)

History shows that humans have a dislike of humans with other forms of consicousness, which they often find hard to tolerate. Sometimes they feel the urge to eradicate it from the face of the earth. We need only think of the treatment by Europeans of the Aztecs, the near genocide of the Aborigines of Australia or the attempt to wipe out gypsies by the Nazis.
THE SECRET HISTORY OF THE WORLD, Jonathan Black

Having social anxiety is like being in a fishpond as fish and actually being aware of hooks. The trick is that some of the regular food also appears as hooks to us. But nevertheless, unlike other care-free fish, we are actually aware of the fish hooks.

In the same way, we avoid being hooked on other people's hurtful words and opinions bates. Some people are unaware they are manipulators, but nevertheless the result is the same. We swallow the bate if we are not aware how useless and pointless it is to argue about something just for the sake of arguing. Some people feel valid and important if other people are afraid of them. The bate is easily avoided when we realize that we can turn attention to focus of discussion. Instead of ad hominem (personal remarks) we can remind them our personal appearance is not important. We can quietly turn the argument into the right direction - to find solution. People with social anxiety are unable to make a difference - everyone looks like a threat. So the opposite would be learning how to enter conflict, arguments and confrontations without feelings of irritability. For me, knowing cognitive dissonance helps. Knowing that some people brain's capacity is too small to see things from different perspectives. I would feel less irritated by them when I recognize them as mentally challenged. Social anxiety cannot make a such difference. For social anxiety sufferer, everyone looks the same and we feel defeated before we even enter a social situation. Knowing that I cannot change the other person, and knowing this is a cognitive distortion also helps. Knowing that if I feel irritated by someone, I feel resentment, and resentment is virus, it created mental imbalance, and must be eradicated out of our mind by forgiveness mentality. People with social anxiety expect each person and each situation to be the same. And as if we can have universal answer to any problem. The reality is more like a game of Solitaire. It starts easy but with time, we need to take more in consideration and discover the rules along, as we play the game more. Our next choice changes as we are handed each new card. If we decide to play the game in the same way, without being innovative and observe all cards on the deck, we would soon get stuck.

Therefore social anxiety comes down to arguing and explaining yourself and being in communication with other people. With social anxiety, we tend to self-censor ourselves believing we are faulty, wrong by default (toxic shame) and we shut up, especially if the other person is angry and displays irritability. While being silent is perfectly fine in an argument that is pointless, many times we need to talk and express ourselves no matter what the other person is telling us. As victims of childhood abuse, we are aware of manipulators and their tactics. We might see it where it only appears as manipulation, so the more we put things in perspective, the more we are able to loop up, raise our head and look at the other people, the more we will be able to diminish our social fears. Instead of social anxiety and avoidance describing as a severe case of shyness, now we realize we have a tangible objects as the source of our fears. Now, as something we can put our fingers on, the easier is to handle the fear. Social anxiety is a state of being mishandled by mind game manipulators in the past and expecting the same in the future from any social contact. As we learn about manipulators, we learn more about techniques how to diminish social anxiety. For example, we can expect them to do anything to absolve their rude behavior. Instead of trying to prove them wrong, we see it would be useless. The better and satisfying results would come out from having a final goal of finding out what is right - not proving someone wrong. We can agree to disagree.

 

Many people who play mind games are not in a stable emotional state. They are looking for a way to make them feel better and may not care or know how their actions affect other people. Identifying these behaviors early on will help you nip it in the bud.
Game of Mind Manipulation by Edwin Piers

For people with social anxiety this recognition of manipulators is a hard task at first because we tend to respond to stress by fawn reaction. We naturally strive to peace, cooperation and agreeableness. It will be a great leap forward just being able to recognize some people play mind games, and they are doing it just for fun, not because there is some hard trauma from the past or some hidden, complex web of reason that is so hard to grasp and understand. Our silence and avoidance blocks the flow of life and this is creating many difficulties for us. Our goal should be activities and what we like the most - being around people within psychological safety parameters. Being able to talk freely is a psychological safety.

To live with social anxiety means keeping quiet and avoid confrontation due to our approval addiction. If we stop self-censoring ourselves, we would soon enter conflict and argue. People who provoke us usually mock and judge others only for seeking attention, not to prove the point.

When we are hooked to argue endlessly without making a point, we also return back the same - and we become annoying and obnoxious ourselves. If we are aware that we become what we hate, it is easier to recognize resentment inside and to remove it. We will get hooked to argue simply because of our fawn response and inability to recognize and divide people into subgroups. Some people seek attention and manipulate others. These people should be handled differently than normal bunch. They all appear normal to us. We think we are dealing with sane people around us, and it seems to us that we are the only ones who are imbalanced due to our fears. Especially when those who are afraid of truth try to shut us up, they seem only to confirm our fears that we are wrong and we should be silent. There is a difference when we express our opinion - when we do it based on resentment and when we do it based from forgiveness attitude. Without resentment we do not feel the need to control others and force them to think in the same way as we do. We explain our viewpoint. We understand some things need time to get soaked in, it is hard to make sense sometimes - immediately. As Alfred Adler said, if we are nitpicking and irritated, it is not a sign of strength, it is a sign of exaggerated sensitivity that stems from the sense of inferiority. Without our own resentment virus, we stop taking things personally.

People with social anxiety have an issue of seeking situation from different perspectives. It is black and white thinking, a tunnel vision. For example, "How you make others feel about themselves, says a lot about you." saying will seem obvious to a person with social anxiety. It means that we should be kind. But they do not realize, what happens when someone is abusive, and we need to react back to them. This is where social anxiety displays its paralyzing characteristics. For people with social anxiety it is hard to deal with conflict and instead of innovative reactions to conflict, they hang on to habit - holding on a grudge and low resistance, keeping quiet. Now suddenly the saying "How you make others feel about themselves, says a lot about you" becomes a very different and we can see it in a different light. We could realize that some people are not hating us, and we do not need to perceive them as dangerous. We could be allowed to speak and interact with them.

- I just didn't know what to say.
- What do you wish you had said?
- I should have told him to mind his own damn business. I knew about the flux capacitor, but I didn't need to hear about it from some 17-year-old kid.
STAR TREK TNG S3 E21 Holow Pursuits

Barclay appears to be a great Starfleet officer, he was just forced into working with people who were not tolerant of his introversion which caused him to further withdrawal and neglect some of his responsibility. Picard was right to force his crew to re-evaluate their actions toward Barclay.
Weekly Episode Discussion: TNG 3x21 "Hollow Pursuits"

In the Star Trek episode Hollow Pursuits, Barclay is nervous engineer that feels stress at work by as he perceives it, as not having courage to talk with others. He is competent in his work but when he speaks up his words come out messy and he cannot express himself calmly, only in nervous manner. I remember watching this episode as 16 years old and I felt disgusted by his character, because the general environment in school was if you are shy - you are not competent. Also I dislike his nervousness, since many adults in my environment were nervous. It is as if everyone was like Barclay but they hated themselves, and they projected this hate onto others, infecting others with hate virus. It is interesting to notice Barclay's point of view. Riker and Geordi appear rude to him and aggressive. In his dream world he can stand up to them - and he does it in aggressive manner. He perceive them as if they hate him from the beginning, at the core, as if they have nothing better to do. It is as if their life is revolved only around picking up on Barclay and mocking him or put him down. In reality, they do not hate them, and he soon finds out Geordi can be a friend if they only had the right chance to start talking. In reality Riker demands punctuality and focus on given task, not to make life miserable for someone. In reality, Barclay could stand up to him by explaining that he over reacts, that he is perfectionist, that he demands too much. But that is hard for someone who is shy. In the episode we see that behind shyness, social inhibition there is resentment and consequently inability to deal conflict and inability to gather information about people around us. If we feel someone is hating us, without them explicitly telling it so, could we also make another explanation - that other people do not hate us. If they hate us, could we see that they hate one aspect that is irritating to them - for example being late and showing up on time? In reality, people like Riker are rare, and most people value corrupt values but they will take the same stance as Riker. They would express themselves as competent, but they would not be able to see broader view as Picard. Their corrupt values as their weak spots that we could point out. Riker's character holds no hidden resentment, but in reality, he might see potential threat someone's competence or recognition from others. Barclay's biggest stumbling block is not being able to talk freely and calmly. He can do it in his dream world program, so he has no physical limitations doing so. If I advised such person to seek resentment, he would not be aware that he has any resentment inside. And he would probably identify this resentment as having some feelings of annoyance towards his superiors or coworkers that pop up at random events during the course of time - and it would seem that he is reacting to other people's resentment, that he has no animosity to start with. The advice to be forgiving is futile since he already chooses fawn response to stress. So in his mind he already is resentment-free since he do not express his annoyances as his dark shadow would express it through violence. Probably the best way to start would be to use holodec, his imagination and going back to childhood when he started to avoid people, to seek out what scared him so much that he decided to pursue decision to stop expressing himself freely. Also, it might help to plant realistic and objective narrative - that other people do not hate him. Others appear to hate his annoying behaviour, not him as person. This could ease up some anxiety. I would encourage him to stop self-censoring himself, showing him proofs that he is capable to diminish feelings of inferiority. In the same episode he does find out that Geordi could be his friend instead of automatic enemy, and that he is capable to solve a problem that others had great trouble to solve themselves. I would encourage him not to hide his difficulty to pronounce words, yet to embrace it as authentic self (being perfect by being imperfect) so that he let it go with time, as his fears subdue. At certain level it is wise to keep silent and quiet, but it is obvious that choosing to be silent every time, at every event is a sign of mental instability and poor mental health. When we speak up we show our personality to the world. If we cover, shut down, hide our personality (our words, our voice) every single time and we suffer because of it (have difficulties with other people and our irritability that other people see as nervousness), then there is definitely presence of some kind of personality disorder.

The Traveler used his thoughts to alter warp fields. Thoughts became reality. Now I'm in a warp field. Could my thoughts have changed this reality?
That's when it started. That's when I started losing everybody. My thoughts created this universe. Can they get me out of it again?
STAR TREK The Next Generation S4 E5

- You couldn't change my mind if you talked for a hundred years.
- I'm not trying to change your mind. It's just that...We're talking about somebody's life here. We can't decide it in five minutes. Supposing we're wrong.
film 12 ANGRY MEN (1957)

Well, it's not easy to stand alone against the ridicule of others. So he gambled for support, and I gave it to him. I respect his motives. The boy on trial is probably guilty, but, uh, I want to hear more.
film 12 ANGRY MEN (1957)

I don't believe I have to be loyal to one side or the other. I'm simply asking questions.
film 12 ANGRY MEN (1957)

Ever since you walked into this room, you've been acting like a self-appointed public avenger. You want to see this boy die because you personally want it, not because of the facts. You're a sadist.
film 12 ANGRY MEN (1957)

It's always difficult to keep personal prejudice out of a thing like this. Wherever you run into it, prejudice always obscures the truth. I don't really know what the truth is. I don't suppose anybody will ever really know.
film 12 ANGRY MEN (1957)

IMDb forum:
"He was projecting his problems with his son onto the defendant, which was preventing him from changing his vote. He realizes this at the end and changes his vote to not guilty. The photo was of his son and himself."
12 ANGRY MEN (1957)

"Poisonous pedagogy" is described by these theorists as what happens when a parent (or teacher, nurse, or other caregiver) believes that a young child's behavior demonstrates that the child is infected with the "seeds of evil", and therefore attempts to weed out the evil, either by emotional manipulation or by brute force.
Poisonous pedagogy, in Katharina Rutschky's definition, aims to inculcate a social superego in the child, to construct a basic defense against drives in the child's psyche, to toughen the child for later life, and to instrumentalize the body parts and senses in favor of socially defined functions.
Poisonous pedagogy

True self (also known as real self, authentic self, original self and vulnerable self) and false self (also known as fake self, idealized self, superficial self and pseudo self) are psychological concepts, originally introduced into psychoanalysis in 1960 by Donald Winnicott. Winnicott used true self to describe a sense of self based on spontaneous authentic experience and a feeling of being alive, having a real self. The false self, by contrast, Winnicott saw as a defensive façade, which in extreme cases could leave its holders lacking spontaneity and feeling dead and empty, behind a mere appearance of being real.
Jungians have explored the overlap between Jung's concept of the persona and Winnicott's false self
True self and false self

Sensitive, guilt-ridden children in the family may learn to meet the parent's needs for gratification and seek love by accommodating the wishes of the parent.
Guilt and shame keep the child locked in a developmental arrest. Aggressive impulses and rage may become split off and not integrated with normal development. Some children develop a false self as a defense mechanism and become codependent in relationships. The child's unconscious denial of their true self may perpetuate a cycle of self-hatred, fearing any reminder of their authentic self.
Children of narcissists

Using anger to intimidate other family members, to get what that person wanted, for you having someone making request for you may trigger you to the point that you can't say no. Asking is the triggering event.
Reframing would not work, trying to talk yourself out of it but emotion is behind so strong. Therapist giving you different ways to look at situation won't help. It will actually distract you from body telling you what body history is driving you to do. Words that absolutely obliviate fear rooted in body history.
Implicitly, these therapist agree: it's you or your PTSD, not them. That is the same dynamic that have been played out between child being harmed and person who is causing the harm. Child choose to believe that there's something the child can do to make the harm stop. So the child embarks on being super compliant to try to win love and safety from the all powerful adults. The problem is that when the child is unable to control the harm coming to them, the child concludes; This is happening because something is wrong with me. I am not good enough, I am not ___ enough to make this stop. Often the harmful adult say things that confirm this perception for the child. Abusive person would never admit to being wrong. In therapy, a similar conclusion; There's something so wrong with me that I cannot heal. Especially because the therapist that isn't helping would never acknowledge that it's them, not you.
You deserve better tools as you deserve safe nurturing environment as child and now.
YT Reason #4 Some People Heal Their Childhood Trauma and Others Don't

I needed somewhere those feelings go, talking, dwelling, denying made it worse. Technique to get it out on paper. I have fear, resentment, get it on paper, you are not identify with it any more.
You don't want to be identified with your trauma.
They probably don't know what trauma is. What they teach them may not be relevant to you. So few clinical professionals know what dysregulation is.  They think we don't care, but actually we are too dysregulated. When person with ptsd gets dysregulated, there is temporary inability to think straight. And a temporary intense emotional feeling.
Don't waste all your energy on being mad at the world for not understanding you. Because you've just given them your power, come on, heal me. They can't. That information is beginning, everyone with ptsd has opportunity to communicate effectively and change consciousness. In 10, 20 years this could be a very different thing.  I treat myself as sovereign of my own healing.
Everyone with c-ptsd is a little different, this is not perfectly measured science yet. We learn what works for us by trying, do that in boundary way. How can you identify your triggers, how you can calm them down. You will be amazed how much power you actually have to make your life change because you developed your ability to calm your triggers. Your triggers are what empower every bad thing about cptsd. They make you get dysregulated, they make you get disconnected, they make you act out in self-defeating behaviors, triggers are problem. Start to notice, whoops I am getting triggered, stop , reframe from trying solving problem when i am triggered. When I am dysregulated, i am going to get myself re-regulated and i am going to proceed. You can change the course of your life by using tools to catch yourself when you're triggered, get re-regulated and then proceed.
Dont keep talking about the past. When trauma is lingering in your nervous system it can be set off. It can be set off by seeing, smelling, hearing something, talking about it, memory. You can write about it. Therapeutic value of writing. James Pennebaker at Austin university made research about it. Discarting those thoughts. Mind will get clearer, not blank. Some things you need to worry about – forgot to make appointment. When you have clear mind that's not all cluttered up with fear and resentment, you can remember better, you can prioritize better, you can even make consicous decision about how will you use your mind in a given moment. When you are dysregualted and c-ptsd has hold of your thinking, you're never in charge of what you are thinking about. Someone says  fill out this worksheet, and your mind is wondering very quickly, or people having discussion and you are listening to them but very quickly your mind is wondering. Usually it goes inside to fearful resentful thoughts. What does she mean by that. These are friends, have plans for lunch and they didn't invite me. Hamster wheel is going and going. You can barely or partially pay attention what is going on around you. It limit your happiness, limit your effectiveness participation in life. Pen and paper, writing, there is nothing weird, you can do it in office, train, you just do what nobody notices. You unclutter, you can have calmness. It's all good to talk about trauma sometimes, but it's just when it goes on and on it can be fruitless, it is not way healing to come. For me talking about trauma does not help me process anything, it freezes my ability to process information. You have relief at finger tips. Pen and paper with you all the time. Fold paper in back pocket, discharge triggered feelings. Don't keep talking and talking, you can use mixed methods – part talking.
Don't use isolation to control your triggers. Learn to control your triggers whether you are around people or not. That's your freedom. If you know you can control your triggers, you're going to find very quickly that you have true social mobility. You can go to a party if you want to, because you know if it starts to just get totally awful for you, you know what to do, you have tools to deal with it and stay or you can leave. You don't have to get so completely jammed up and paralyzed with fear, i better not go. Those days are over for you now, you have tools now.
Don't try to make other people control your triggers for you. Don't give them that power. What you want to do instead is you control your triggers. And then you have freedom to hang out with anybody you like. It is so tempting when you are triggered and when you have ptsd it seems other people are causing triggers. You make someone else responsible for your trigger. It is very intense and severe, it is c-ptsd, it is not actually caused by the other person. Don't say you owe me to call. It doesn't work. It is attempt to control other people. Worst of all it is outsourcing the responsibility to not get triggered. And no matter how much other people try not to trigger you, it     ain't going to work. They can't really control whether we get triggered. It's not that they are not going to call, it's going to be something else. Good loving people doesn't want to get into trouble for being who they are. Nobody wants to be criticized for who they are. Work on your triggers, keep them calm. You will always get better results when the triggered part is something that you own and you take responsibility for. You are not giving them responsibility to keep you untriggered. You can ask them to meet you on half way in things you want in relationship. You don't give power to trigger you or not trigger you. There are exceptions. Not put spiders in your face.
COMMENT:
"When I'm dysregulated, I can't remember anything..." Ma'am, you've just summarised the last 16/17 years of my life.

YT 5 CPTSD MISTAKES That Keep You STUCK in Trauma

Dysregulation, also known as emotional dysregulation, refers to a poor ability to manage emotional responses or to keep them within an acceptable range of typical emotional reactions. This can refer to a wide range of emotions including sadness, anger, irritability, and frustration.
verwellmind

Emotional dysregulation can be associated with an experience of early psychological trauma, brain injury, or chronic maltreatment (such as child abuse, child neglect, or institutional neglect/abuse), and associated disorders such as reactive attachment disorder.
wiki

Symptoms of Emotional Dysregulation
Extensive grudge-holding
Severe conflict avoidance
How to Treat Emotional Dysregulation?
taught skills and strategies for managing emotions, handling conflict, and building tolerance for uncomfortable feelings.
apibhs

See people more complex than that, see people more as human even if they are jerks.
We didnt get what is going with their kids, and we project that need onto others. We often want omnipotence from people, that ability.
Bus driver frustrated you have no cash, coweroker frustrated you take time off, upset partner. This one is rooted in shame, having people being mad at us and being misunderstood. Growing up in abuse, it was not safe someone being mad at us. That is the stuff that stays in the kids body when they are actively shamed and raged at by toxic parent, like i cant believe you done this. Actively shaming, some raged out. Worrying someone being mad us will take over, it is like shame attack. Healing this is to reclaim the ability to be misunderstood. Adult part can parent the child on difference between being terrified, mad at you, to difference of grumpy coworker being frustrated real or imagined. Our parents didn't see us as children. Toxic parents see their kids as selfish adults who are making choices at their expense, which is super messed up. That's misnderstood, expectations were off. We weren't seen as children. We were expected to be forward thinking adults. It is humanly impossible to not have others be frustrated at us or mad at us from time to time, right or wrong. It's very freeing to allow someone to be grumpy or even sort of toxic and not take it in. Let other people feel their feelings even if it is about us, but that was not safe when growing up. If we feel shame, everything is just so much manageable. Imagine the ability to be like “Oh, my coworker's a little bit pissed at me. I get it. They were frustrated. They had to pick up my slack. It'll pass or we'll work it out”.
Other people's moods. We are hypervigilent about disappointing people. People not telling us what is going on with them and later blowing up at us. Moods – someone quiet, disinterested but who knows, crying in their personal life – highly affected childhood trauma survivers. Wounded inner children feel responsible for it and they'll ruminate about what could have been done or about what they're not telling us, or what the person isn't sort telling us. This is rooted in shame and vigilence, adjusting constantly to toxic adults. Clients often describe parent's mood inconsistent. That is super important word when we talk about toxic parenting. Child has to monitor and watch for the good times, watch for the good moods, because good times are more rare than bad ones. Inconsistent parenting, inconsistent moods, inconsistent care for people. We are super tuned in other people's moods potentially for those reasons growing up. There is work for child not letting them be responsible for everyone's emotional experiences. In the present everyone is on their own path. Everyone is responsible for their own feelings. It doesnt always mean that something really bad is about to happen when other people are feeling their feelings. Validate as child you did have to know what others are feeling in order to keep yourself safe and to keep yourself afloat.
Ambiguity. Not knowing how things will go. Not knowing what future will bring, date enjoy date as you did, email gets dropped for a while, exhange with partner not knowing partner is upset, rooted at insecurity. We didnt get that as childhood. We were insecure. We waited to feel ok. It was external things that made me feel ok, it did not come from internal source. Security was about waiting. Waiting to hear for second job is tough, but Wouldn't it be great if we didn't get so consumed in it? Develop belief system it will be ok no matter what. Because due to our trauma, we rely too heavily on external confirmation that we're okay than rather developing it from within.
Feedback.  Positive, negative neutral – all can be triggering in weird way. Positive can feel icky, when we were manipulated as child. How person is giving positive feedback doesn't match inside. Its hard to take compliment, shame activated. Negative feedback – more comfortable for us because it is familiar, trigger what is unfair. Can be devastating, we take it too seriously. We think people have no right to criticize us, they dont know us. Mind reading – too much was asked from us. Coming from place being unfair. Neutral – the worst. It is ambigous. That drive us crazy, we dont trust what they mean. We struggle more because now we are going to ruminate. Do we trust them. We are growing up in conditional love that feedback is warped. When you notice you are triggered around feedback – you were grown up in flat house, people not knowing what they think, or you were manipulated dynamics.
COMMENT: I just realized the way we sometimes expect people to read our minds because our parents didn’t attune to us appropriately, our parents expected US to read their minds and attune to them - probably due to their own traumas.  
COMMENT: my thought police is on all day every day
I judge people for not being nice all the time
YT 6 Unknown Childhood Trauma Triggers


 

survivors living with complex post-traumatic stress disorder do not have the information they need from childhood to respond appropriately to strong emotion
The Symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Experience is the only thing that brings knowledge, and the longer you are on earth the more experience you are sure to get.
“All you need is confidence in yourself. There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. The True courage is in facing danger when you are afraid, and that kind of courage you have in plenty.”
L. Frank Baum. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

Develop curiosity – why am I triggered. What is going on inside me. Curiosity what tactics manipulation tools he using on my now, observe dynamics he try to create to control you. Think through your response. Don't respond in anger, that makes it worse. You have to get out of your limbic brain that was triggered, get back into your cortex and say what's going on here. And how should I respond.
Control freak told me to do something. That triggered my defiance. Not advice just because foolish advice, it is control freak giving advice. Get out of limbic brain, not reacting just to the control freak, but to be able to say to yourself 'is this wise course of action'? If it is I got to do it regardless who gave me directive. That is such important skill to learn.
I can express my needs to safe healthy people and get a different result than I got as a child. Identify the lie and replace it with the truth.
What evidence do i have to support that? Then why I focus only on negative and not positive. Learn to process and couch yourself through your thinking, fears and lies.
YT 60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma - Part 12 - Control Issues

During the stress response, the thinking brain shuts down. The brain stem and the fight-or-flight center in the amygdala take over. They respond to signs of danger with a flood of stress hormones like adrenaline, and automatic reactions like a pounding heart and tight muscles.
Trauma hijacks the thinking brain and overwhelms the nervous system with alarms, stress hormones, and sensations that may be easily triggered by everyday events.
This kind of trauma doesn’t respond well to reason, because the nervous system continues to respond in ways that bypass the thinking brain.  It takes a special kind of treatment, what therapists call “bottom-up treatment”, to connect the thinking parts with the trauma-altered survival system so that one part of the brain can begin to soothe the others.
For people with complex trauma histories, the mind and body may be in a chronic state of stress and hypervigilance, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
EMDR and Trauma: What You Need To Know

 

Do Movies Cause Social Anxiety? ✌ Strong reaction to someone rude ✌ The Agreeableness Theory  ✌Triggers - calming down ✌