3.7.2023
Neurodivergence is great concept, however as any label it can be self destructing - since we will be prone to label ourselves and then limit ourselves.
For example,
when I started to explore social anxiety I was inundated with CBT "advice" that social anxiety is fear (it wasn't - and I needed 30 years to discover this). In real life I would encounter someone who is criminal (corruption at work) - I would feel what I thought was fear - and then all CBT crap would analytically flow into my mind:
1) that fear is not real
2) that toxic people do not exist
3) that I must be strong - and I ended up with belief I am weak and incompetent
4) that my feelings are abnormal and that I am abnormal too
5) that other people are super normal - since they do not feel panic and that makes me super inferior
6) that we must suppress and hide and deny any emotions which are scary. This actually leads to mental illness and inability to process data necessary for making any kind of decisions in life.
So CBT instead of helping me with unknown feelings which CBT falsely labeled as fear - I ended up with more panic, more anxiety and more inferiority complex than it was before.
In reality - that "fear" that I was feeling was trauma all along. Trauma and fear are not the same - they appear the same to untrained eye and quack therapist. Once we label our trauma as fear there is destructive process going on inside:
1) our emotions fuse with our self worth. I feel scared: I am inferior person - this belief starts immediately.
2) suppressing emotions of "fear" leads to OCD and intrusive thoughts
3) the basic belief that something is wrong with my thoughts leads to toxic shame already present inside due to past trauma- now re-enforced with ableist CBT.
In the same way, if we start to believe that our decisions and thoughts are abnormal and unacceptable because they are neurodivergent - we won't feel good.
Neurodivergence is not bad - it is neutral.
It is simply different way how brain is getting and processing data.
Neurotypical is not normal - neurotypical is groupthink herd mentality. It is conformism.
With Heidi Priebe videos - I finally understood that instead of self blame and self flagellation and lack of self compassion - it is necessary for us to process data and information. That is all.
We are unable to process data if we have toxic shame and inner belief that our thoughts are abnormal.
When we process all information - our brain will naturally give us solutions and directions in life.
Neurodivergence is biological - it cannot be healed nor cured, especially not with logic.
Trauma that we feel is result of being exposed to dysfunction such as criticism and constant discipline and constant correction of our thinking and our opinions -being exposed to such narcissistic/alcoholic abuse in childhood - our brain will develop Rejection sensitivity and certain hypnotic beliefs - such as that other people must not hate us - and we will unconsciously do everything to overcompensate, mask and make other people's hatred fixed and functional - and then we won't be able to handle life nor chase our own dreams - due to fawning trauma response.
As Freud discovered - all we need is to realize our inner hypnosis orders commands which we picked up as kids exposed to trauma and toxic people who entrained our minds to self blame ourselves and self sabotage ourselves into immobility.
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Social anxiety can be functional and masked and compartmentalized - this means it can appear as very extroverted and open and talkative to others.
Social anxiety is not automatically equal to introversion nor shyness.
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YT "Social Anxiety (2016 Rerun)"
Social anxiety by definition is fear of criticism and fear of negative evaluation.
In the beginning it is fear of new people and fear of talking and fear of parties - however that is 0,5% of social anxiety.
Social anxiety is complex trauma - it is exposure to Alcoholic abuse while growing up (dysfunction, ACE). We did not catch social anxiety while walking in the rain, like a cold.
Social anxiety is not phobia - it is not fear of needles or fear of spiders ( as explained at 10:15).
Social anxiety is related to toxic shame and destroyed self worth - which affects how we talk and relate to other people.
So trauma information explained in the video is correct one.
However that is one part of Rashomon Effect.
The other parts is neurodivergent brain - where there is biological cause and there is no "cure" for brain being highly sensitive.
"Brain in different state" is called Amygdala hijacking, it is part of Complex Trauma.
We can think of social anxiety as having parents and authority figures like Stockton Rush - they make us create shield made of Carbon and they are very arrogant and filled with censorship - where we are not allowed to talk or ask questions. Then as adults - we go into crushing depts with shield that is made of carbon - we are explained to make shield of carbon - which gets cracked under pressure. That is why CBT's exposure is horrible advice - we do not have energy to withstand the pressure due to alcoholic abuse in childhood.
On the other hand - non socially anxious people have authority such as James Cameron - who is teaching others to build their shield from titanium - that can allow deep depths without social anxiety panic trauma issues.
Titanium would be total belief in ourselves - that we do not have toxic shame. Toxic shame is belief that we are abnormal for being sensitive , and that there is something that needs to be fixed with us.
That is why Habituate your brain to stimulus as explained at 17:05 - will not work for socially anxious. We won't get de-sensitized - we will implode instead - since are shields are made by carbon. It will not get stronger by itself - it will implode under pressure.
That is why CBT is horrible therapy which is making incredible psychological damage to socially anxious.
Social anxiety is not phobia.
It was renamed from social phobia in mid 1990s because CBT "experts" discovered that anxiety does not go away with exposure at all. It only leads to re-traumatization.
Instead of habituation - we need change our shield and how we make our shield. We need titanium, not carbon.
When we tell our brain that there is something abnormal with it and that it needs to be fixed - we will develop personality disorder. We are telling our brain that it is abnormal - that is toxic shame. That is carbon fibre, cheap shield that does not work under pressure. Titanium would be total belief in our brain - no matter how it works.
IF we are not serial killers, if we are not having hidden agenda to harm other people - there is nothing wrong with our brain.
There is nothing to fix.
Idea to fix brain which is not abnormal is called ableism - groupthink conformism - which is abnormal since it can end up as nazism and rise of Trumps and Putins and other mentally ill predators in authority.
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YT "Managing Social Anxiety"
You work for Sodomite health care?
Any ritual as reaction to anxiety leads to OCD and intrusive thoughts (pureOCD).
What we resist, persist. JUNG.
Socially anxious are already focused on others. Very much - they look at their tone of voice and slightest face expression to detect potential attack - since all social anxiety stems from alcoholic abuse trauma in childhood.
That is why social anxiety is called social+anxiety. It has social external factor that is causing the anxiety.
IT is not called self- anxiety.
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YT "How to overcome social anxiety in 4 seconds #socialanxiety #anxiety"
Idea that there is something wrong with us that requires self love, challenges and efforts will have paradoxical counter-effect: more of anxiety.
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YT "Be Uncomfortable. Social Anxiety: Getting back up with Nicholas Seminario
"
Nicholas never had social anxiety to begin with.
Social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation - it is not only a mere depression and catastrophizing as it was in his case.
Social anxiety stems from exposure to alcoholic abuse while growing up, dysfunctional ambient, constant criticism - hence there is fear of criticism and fear of angry people and hatred. The catastrophizing and depression comes here as by-product, not the motor that makes social anxiety ongoing.
Nicholas simply labeled his issues as social anxiety. "I realized it made me uncomfortable going to public situations" - that is not social anxiety. Social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation. Social anxiety is not general fear of people.
For example - narcissists will fear people due to their narcissistic supply that are other people - this is their source of feeling good. The same applies to borderliners, too.
He said that he was preparing for college. Socially anxious do not prepare for anything - due to fear of criticism. It is crippling. On the other hand, narcissists can navigate to life goals since they do not have empathy that would stop them.
This way toxic people make better and further in life - since they waste toxic waste fuel as their energy. The pollute the world, but they are active in life.
That is why most people will glorify narcissists and toxic people as "competent" - without being aware that they are Rush Stocktons that will lead them to their death chambers in foreseeable time.
5:53 "projecting these things would happen but they wouldn't" OCD. Not social anxiety.
6:43 "Worried what would happen" OCD & GAD. Not social anxiety.
HE talks about self improving, perfect life. Therefore, There is also narcissism here. Not social anxiety.
8:01 "I can struggle too" Borderline. Not social anxiety.
Problem with people who self diagnose themselves or get misdiagnosed as him - is that his story is giving false message to people who really have social anxiety.
10:05 "I worried something will happen" That is not social anxiety. This is agoraphobia and OCD. Social anxiety is fear of social, that is why social is in its name - social+anxiety. IT is not called general anxiety.
11:42 "My fear would be that I would be judged, that is where fear came from." NArcissism. Not social anxiety.
"Now I don't care" Narcissism. Not social anxiety.
Social anxiety is not abnormality - social anxiety is normal, it is part of healthy shame, it reminds us that we are human, with errors, that we are not perfectionist machines. Without social anxiety we would become psychopaths without any empathy.
13:12 "So afraid what will other people say" "It doesn't matter what other people say" - this is not social anxiety. That is borderliner issue. Social anxiety is fear of other people hating us. That is because social anxiety stems from Alcoholic abuse dysfunctional ambient while growing up.
14:25 "I don't care, why should we" because without caring for other people we will become anti-social abnormal psychopaths.
15:26 "Exposure therapy - doing something" - one another clue he never had social anxiety to begin with. Exposure does not help with social anxiety, instead exposure leads to re-traumatization. Exposure will help for those who do not have social anxiety.
Social anxiety stems from ACoA - it is like having parent like Rush Stockton who instructs you to build your shield out of carbon and censors your inquiry about it. Then in depths - when we reach crushing points - this carbon material starts to crack. Exposure therefore will lead to implosion.
On the other hand - people without ACoA dysfunction have authority like James Cameron - who is instructing them to build their shield out of titanium - which can withstand deep pressure depths.
Titanium would be total acceptation and self validation.
When we think there is something wrong with us , that requires some kind of magical fix and exposure to cure it - that is carbon material - and it will implode under pressure.
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YT "People hate on exposure therapy because it's scary. #socialanxiety #donaldtrump #exposuretherapy"
Oh boy, we've been on this topic for 6 months now.
Perhaps this allegory will finally get into your head.
Social anxiety is result of being in alcoholic abuse dysfunction while growing up. This is similar to having authority like Rush Stockton - who will instruct socially anxious to build their shields out of carbon and he will punish them for asking questions about it. Then in crushing depths of exposure- this carbon material will start to crack and there is chance of implosion. Because instead of good shield - there is abuse and trauma of being exposed to untreated mentally ill person while growing up who never taught us how to make good shield.
On the other hand -
normal people without trauma issues have authority like James Cameron who is teaching them to build their shield out of titanium.
Then - when exposed to crushing depths - this titanium material will not implode and it will allow them to regulate without toxic shame cracking nor any kind of trigger trauma pressure which those with carbon material will experience.
Titanium material would be - total belief in oneself.
Then exposure leads those who use carbon to experience difficulties while exposing and it can end up as suicides idealizations (implosion) and re-traumatization (cracking of material).
Exposure will not make carbon stronger.
Exposure will tear up material with each diving into deep depths.
We need stronger material and to learn how to make titanium material - exposure will not do it.
Exposure will lead to catastrophic implosion.
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YT "Dealing with social anxiety on vacation"
Feeling uncomfortable around people we don't know is not sickness nor abnormality. Without this natural fear, we would end up as victims or pushovers in best cases.
This orgy of ableism in media and CBT is horrifying.
Social anxiety stems from exposure to alcoholic abuse dysfunction at home - it cannot be "cured" with CBT ableist therapy. It is biological.
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YT "How to overcome social anxiety #shorts #lifehackshorts"
"Stop, calm down"
- panic is amygdala hijacking. There is nothing to stop, it is the part of brain that is in its safe mode, being calm or stop is not offered as choice at all.
"Control"
Controlling chaos leads to more chaos.
"Sharing struggles"
Predators and narcissists love to hear someone's problems - to use it against later on.
"Utilize safe topics"
This is masking. Bad choice.
"Safe topics can make conversation"
Conversation is between autonomous human beings - we cannot control what the other person will babble about next.
It is not ethical to manipulate others or that our panic is governing other people, too.
"Relax, smile, project positive"
Masking, this is all masking and making it functioning. Covering up issues to focus on leads to mental illness and problems - since we will deny reality.
"Avoid overthinking"
How is that even possible with neurodivergent brain?
IF we have higher IQ - we need to dumb down ourselves?
Social anxiety is alarm that toxic people are around us. It is not proof that we are abnormal and that we need to fix ourselves.
If we are not serial killers, if we have no anti-social agenda to harm and hurt other people - there is nothing to overcome or cure inside us.
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YT "You're not allowed to make mistakes with Anxiety and OCD"
What happens when we are not allowed to make mistakes due to toxic people around us - which we cannot leave due to finances, third party, bureaucracy etc?
What is our job is making carbon fibre for Stockton Rush - and any smallest mistake can cost human lives? Job like air traffic controller or brain surgeon?
Mistakes then is not so simple issue to brush off as simplicity.
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YT "Positive self-affirmartions yo not give af #anxiety #socialanxiety #affirmations #mentalhealth"
These positive affirmations will not help much in real world.
Also, if we are narcissistic - we will create a shell around us where we won't allow constructive criticism to learn from - and then this "positive affirmations" will create us to be Rush Stockton, living in fantasy delusional world that can end in tragedy if we have money to realize / act our fantasies.
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YT "A Blood Test for Anxiety?"
ACE test is available online - quick, without login required, exposure to ACoA while growing up will result in anxiety later on.
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YT "Social Anxiety 5"
"Biggest lie associated with social anxiety is belief that people are looking at you and judging you negatively. Test it out"
This was wrong information that pushed me into wrong direction for many years.
It was not belief of judging negatively - it was much deeper - it was fear of other people hating me.
There is a difference.
For decades I was convinced it was fear of judging - and I ended up fixing it as a test. I ended up with fawning and being pushover - since I was convinced it was judging the problem. When I think that judgment is problem - then I am obsessed to be clear and to make everything clear, I go to extra length to be perfect and without mistakes - and this leads to more anxiety and trauma bonding and codependency - since I am becoming someone's little helper- all in the effort of easing someone's judgement.
It wasn't judgement at all.
It was fear of being hated.
Now when I know it is fear / trauma of being hated - I do not need to test it at all.
I do not need to do anything about it. I can let people feel whatever they feel, it is their life, they are all adults and have brain that is composing their perceptions - it is their responsibility to gather all data and not jump to quick conclusions or oversimplifying.
This realization it was trauma of other people's hatred - helps a lot to easy anxiety.
This fear of other people's hate stems from exposure to alcoholic abuse in childhood.
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YT "1 Advanced Tip To Overcome Social Anxiety & Transform Your Life! 🙏"
Social anxiety stems from exposure to alcoholic abuse while growing up, dysfunction - where targets of abuse were exposed to programming, conditioning, hypnosis - to self censor and not open up. This unconscious hypnosis is motored by toxic shame installed by abusers early on, but also with conditioned belief that we must not allow other people to hate us. Then we will do anything not to be opened up - in order to prevent their potential hatred.
This is done unconsciously - we are like zombies programmed to think this way. So logical advice to open up will not work - since there will be these deep ingrained trauma programming to be closed and to fix other people's moods and their mood shifts.
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YT "Some tips I used to help my social anxiety! #selfcare #selfimprovement #mindest #lifestyle #anxiety"
1. Toxic people do care - they look how to exploit kind quiet types
We need to learn red flags and everything about narcissistic abuse.
Social anxiety stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse
2. With social anxiety due to trauma - we do not know who we are. We were punished when we talked.
3. First you say that comparison is bad and then you state that we love who we are.
Well we all have Jung's shadow. This means we have annoying and irritating and bad habits such as comparison. Loving ourselves means embracing, validating, understanding and accepting those parts too.-
Loving oneself is not "don't do this" "don't be this". That is discipline and punishment - similar to repeating ACoA which caused social anxiety issues in the first place.
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YT "Do you AVOID social situations? #mentalhealth #psychology"
So much CBT crap lies and misinformation.
Social anxiety is not fear of judgement nor rejection. It is fear of hatred from others.
Exposure will lead to implosion - similar to Titan.
Social anxiety starts in alcoholic abuse exposure - which is similar to having carbon fibre for our shield against the crushing pressure.
We need to have titanium - which is absolute belief in ourselves and allowing other people to hate us, not fixing their moods.
If we have this carbon - exposure will lead to catastrophe. Exposure will not make carbon strong - it will destroy it.
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YT "Get Rid of Social Anxiety #hamza #selfimprovement #masculinity #riessfield #anxiety #socialmedia"
Nope.
Think social anxiety as carbon fibre. It will implode under pressure and positive thoughts will not help from implosion.
On the other hand - titanium will help us survive deep pressure depths. Titanium would be total belief and acceptance of ourselves - and that paradoxically includes our fears and panic and weaknesses.
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YT "How Emotional Intelligence Can Help You Heal Your Life/Awaken Consciousness/Lisa Romano"
For me it helped to learn that my conflict was related to unconscious fear of other people hating me, that their past/potential/future hatred was influencing my decision in life. This was totally out of my awareness. Due to self help books for 30 years I was convinced that I am afraid of other people's opinions - but this knowledge did not help me at all.
Social anxiety resources state that social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation - but this definition is half true and it is misleading. By chance I discovered that it was actually fear of hatred - by watching random you tube video.
Also, I would not understand this information if I did not previously learned about Freud, Jung and superEgo, ego Id - I needed to know this information in order to absorb the information that I needed to hear to resolve auto-pilot, life under the veil, being a zombie.
Now - other people's hatred still bothers me - but it does not govern my decisions in life, I do not fawn to pre-emptively avoid someone's anger hatred. And I allow them to feel angry and hatred - I do not fix it anymore by worrying about it. I just allow them to be in that state whatever they choose to be in themselves - they are not under my control and I cannot control other people nor it is my task to fix their emotions.
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(4.7.2023)
"more like a paranoia that people want to be too close or intimate...I just don't want to upset them or make them uncomfortable. I know that sounds like a contradiction"
You are describing Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style issue.
Social anxiety issue is like being trapped in toxic job with lots of yelling, screaming, mobbing, abuse - without means to fight back, and without ability to exit (due to finances, immobility etc). That is social anxiety - being forced into social situations with feelings of extreme panic, ongoing abuse from others and inability to express oneself - but only through fawning and pleasing the abusers to at least minimize the abuse which they are perpetrating.
Social anxiety is very much connected to narcissistic abuse exposure - and it starts as exposure to narcissistic abuse. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment is also common in social anxiety - since many abusers are covert and socially anxious are gaslighted by abusers and CBT that they are only imagining the abuse.
I would guess any attachment styles issues all stem from exposure to Alcoholic abuse in childhood and dysfunctional ambient.
YT "HOW I went from ANXIOUS to SECURE (+ how you can too)"
Being sensitive is not abnormality. Neurodivergent brain is not sickness.
To believe so - this is called ableism.
Think of ableism as North Korea or Russia political regime which is destroying anything different than the given norm formed by mentally ill authority masked as military and police violence in power which appear as competence to the masses. And reinforced by mentally ill predators through terror propaganda.
It is neurotypicals (groupthink, conformism, herd mentality) which are noticing our differences and shame them covertly and overtly - and then we internalize toxic shame beliefs. Instead of viewing our neurodivergence and sensitivity as neutral - we start to believe we are inept, stupid and abnormal for processing stimuli deeply than most of people.
When we have toxic shame inside - we will develop additional issues such as codependency.
It is important to notice that living under the veil, being on auto-pilot, codependency and attachment issues stem from toxic shame and ableism - external factor, not from our sensitivity nor our ability to process life stimuli in deeper manner than others. Ableist will try to brainwash us to believe that our stimuli processing abilities are the cause of problems. The same as gaslighting in narcissistic abuse.
When we process life stimuli deeply - we are in position to quickly unmask predators and psychopaths, usually in some kind of authority - and as any narcissists they experience unmasking as painful, harmful and sociopaths will do anything to kill the messenger - us.
Our ability to process life stimuli deeply means we will see reality as it is - while on the other hand narcissists and toxic people life in delusions and idealism, fantasy beliefs which they try to enforce onto others to believe too. So our ability to see reality is extremely dangerous for their narcissistic collapse - and our ability to see things deeply is something that predators will attack and cut off as soon as it is pruned off.
CBT is part of ableism. CBT will explain us that we are hallucinating reality - while predators are actually in state of mild schizophrenia and paranoia.
Memories stored in our body are frozen and it is traumatic - but this is not our fault. We did not cause trauma. Neither trauma means we are abnormal for having it. To believe that uncomfortable emotions are equal to our self worth is called emotional fusion - and this is common weapon of narcissists and predators: Ad Hominem. Once toxic people cannot withstand any kind of constructive criticism which we will speak out - they will say we are stupid, weird and abnormal - ad hominem argument. This is attempt to equate emotions with self worth - and this is how toxic shame is created, too.
We got to realize that trauma and uncomfortable feelings inside us are not our identity, as CBT and narcissists will try to brainwash us to believe in.
Emotional regulation goal is not to prune off or destroy any kind of situation which is difficult. The goal of mental health is not blocking of emotions. Denying and suppressing emotions leads to mental illness. As Gabor Mate said - the goal of mental health is to make us feel emotions deeply, not to suppress or block them.
Without our reactions and ability to feel things deeply - we won't notice what is wrong in life.
The best analogy is Titan disaster. Rush Stockton ignored all the uncomfortable emotions regarding the safety of his submersible - and this denial of uncomfortable reality led to murder of 4 innocent people and implosion of his vehicle.
If we believe that trauma is something to clear and deny and push aside - we will create personality disorder and mental illness. Jung Shadow concept means we need to integrate difficult parts in life and not push them away. If we cut off anything traumatic from our awareness - we will develop OCD contamination fears - where we will live in constant anxiety and fear of feeling anything difficult and different, being in state of hypervigilance.
When we accept Jung Shadow we can feel all emotions and not push anything difficult in life - but analyze, see it, objectively, test it and study it - and then we will give our brain enough information to draw conclusions and future decisions on life which are healthy for us and others. When we push trauma away and feel ashamed for trauma and difficult situations in life - we are not giving our brain enough data to make better decisions in life.
It is like living with Amber who is pooping in our bed - and if we rationalize, intellectualize it - we will stay stuck in such toxic relationship until she sues us for being rapist and trying to destroy our career. And this will happen only when we deny trauma and push difficult situations in life to teach us the lesson. Our brain has ability to make decisions in life - and if we logically block difficult data - we are not providing our brain with enough data to process life.
Being stuck in our head is neurodivergence - it is different way than most people think (linear) - and it is also sign of intelligence, convergent mindset - ability to see anything in life from multiple dimensions and different angles. This is not sickness nor abnormality. This is natural attempt for intelligent people to get all data available in order to make the best and healthiest decisions in life - based on evidence and facts available to us.
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" Social anxiety is the anticipation of negative interactions based on an exaggeration of mostly imagined, sometimes real occurrences,"
That is only 0.5% of social anxiety. That is surface level description of social anxiety.
" which then interferes globally with your ability to interact with the world."
Nope.
There is no lack of ability to interact.
Toxic people are problem here. Predators and psychopaths who do not follow social rules - and you cannot interact with such corruption - unless doing something against the law. Coercive control and manipulation being the tool used by toxic people. When we cannot defend against corruption - we will develop anxiety, as we should. Anxiety is not hallucination - the panic is real reaction to real problems which society does not prevent to happen.
" it's your perception of what happens when you interact with the world."
We all have perceptions.
Perceptions are not endemic to social anxiety.
There is no single person in the world who has god powers to see and know all reality 100%. It is impossible for human brain to store all information and to know all information - because of human brain does not have ability to read other people minds or to see past nor to travel into future.
"Because assumptions are not based on fact, they're based on scenarios"
Everything is based on scenarios.
Nobody is basing anything on 100% reality due to reasons explained in previous section.
Also - if there is some kind of imaginary brain that could process reality - it would implode due to all data - it would be unbearable to withstand the pressure.
Just imagine if you knew what is wrong with everyone and has no powers to control nor stop it.
"by reassuring you that you're the only one that is right in the world and that they're all wrong"
This is common mistake by theapist.
Most vocal people who claim that they have social anxiety issues do not have social anxiety at all. They are mostly narcissists and borderliners - and then you believe their stories (unreliable narrator problem) and then you come to conclusion that social anxiety is being selfish and egocentric - based on pathological liars who actually mimic having social anxiety.
"your maladaptive behaviors based on irrational thoughts to interact appropriately,"
Based on narcissistic abuse in childhood. Instead of irrational thoughts - it is hypnotic command imprinted during exposure to Alcoholic and dysfunctional and narcissistic abuse while growing up.
Example of such unconscious imprinted hypnotic command for socially anxious is: "I must never allow other people to hate me".
"Social anxiety by in large is not based on abuse. "
It is. People are not born with issues of criticism - this specific issue is conditioned with exposure to abuse while child brain was developing.
"It's based on fear."
Nope. It is trauma.
Trauma appears as fear to untrained eye to uneducated persons and incompetent therapists.
"CBT"
CBT is therapy of ableism and it must be banned. CBT is form of narcissistic abuse.
"maladaptive thought patterns based on scenarios"
Based on hypnotic command imprinted by narcissists - entraining (Vaknin)
" because general inexperience that gives you a lack of context of the world "
This statement is wrong.
People with social anxiety struggle for 30, 40 years. There is plenty of experience. It is hypnotic commands from abuse that are causing the problem, not lack of experience nor lack of exposure.
"because the maladaptive thought patterns aren't addressed. "
Hypnotic commands, entraining.
" watch some other videos by Dr. K"
I watched his videos. You might watch his video about Unfavorable Power dynamics to learn more about social anxiety than your white privilege and entitlement and being born into money prevents you to learn.
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"there are absolutely times that you will be externally controlled"
That is called oppression. That is abuse.
Coercive control is criminal act. In some progressive countries - this is criminal offense.
Normal people do not control others. They co-operate and have interdependence.
Toxic people and predators feel entitled to abuse others and to control them.
"Feedback is an external reference and can come from an external control."
Seems to me you do not know what external referencing is.
External referencing is trauma bonding and being codependent.
"No amount of internal control over your feelings about that is going to change that something outside"
It will change if I follow my interests in life. Instead of groupthink, herd mentality and conformism.
" You're the kind of person Dr. K would/should be counseling on how their frame of mind is affecting their behaviors"
If I am not serial killer and if I am not anti-social - why would I frame my mind?
Framing someone mind is brainwashing - this is what cult is doing. It is taking someone's free will and controlling them. Seems like you are a narcissist.
"CBT is a tool for proving that to people so that they can approach people"
CBT is form of brainwashing and it does not address trauma nor toxic people nor abuse. IT is highly dangerous - since it evokes toxic shame and hence personality disorders.
" If you're expecting to be greeted like a king"
I do not expect anything from others. I allow others to do what they want, as long as they are not hurting or abusing -doing something criminal - they are free to do whatever they want. If someone is abusive - I tend not to make contact with such person. Not much brain surgery complexities here.
"expecting someone to s### in your bed--because those will be the only people you will attract "
When you are not aware that toxic people exist - you will attract predators.
But it seems to me like you are predator yourself - and you are the one who is abusing others and framing heir minds.
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5.7.2023
Related to my social anxiety - what I was exposed was constant and relentless criticism which was mixed with anger and mood swings.
This will turn as irrational fear (trauma actually) regarding of other people being angry and hateful - and my programmed command is to prevent this hatred in any way that I can - which makes me immobile and in state of constant hypervigilance. And I have no idea why- CBT will explain me that I have cognitive distortions - which does not help at all - but in fact it adds to more toxic shame and desire to prevent someone being annoyed by my supposed "cognitive distortions".
This way CBT (supposed tool that supposedly help with social anxiety) becomes tool of creating mental illness and personality disorder and motor that keeps social anxiety ongoing.
CBT needs to be banned.
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YT "
The Resiliency Solution"
There is one important aspect of self-regulation that is not mentioned here.
Self regulation is not lobotomy. It is not about ignoring emotions and pushing them down and pretending to be happy.
Imagine if you are next to go to Titan's voyage to the bottom of Ocean the day before implosion - and your sixth sense sense kicks in that something wrong will happen and your common sense tells you that Rush is full of BS. Then self-regulation would be dangerous - since it would stifle down our natural signals and alarms that something is wrong and that we ought not to go into that carbon fibre submersible.
Self regulation is not about suppressing nor repressing emotions.
Co-regulation is not about calming other people down and policing their emotions to be "normal", forcing them to shut up and hence controlling and manipulating others.
Self regulation is listening to our common sense, education, experience and making decisions we believe are the best - which may cause dysregulation in others - especially in those who are narcissistic and manipulative and those who have hidden agenda to cheat us, take our money and not being concerned about well being of others at all.
Self regulation is not about being pushover and saying yes just for the sake of not rocking the boat.
When we have panic, fears, trauma, negative emotions - these need processing and introspection and looking what is going on, gathering all the data available.
If we know that carbon fibre is not safe at 4km into deep depths - and if the person in charge tells us/lies to us that it is safe - self regulation is not blindly believing someone who speaks out words which are not confirmed by third party.
In some cases self regulation means breaking contact - not going along with herd mentality, groupthink and conformism.
So - important part of self regulation is processing emotions and gathering information and detecting psychopaths who cover up as "normal" people.
---
7.7.2023
"Socially oblivious does not mean toxic. It can easily result from autism, ADHD"
I agree.
You are talking here about inability to listen to others. As you did not listen to the original poster.
He said, I and I quote:
"people that would just bulldoze me and make me feel bad"
Here,
the original poster is describing narcissistic abuse: put downs, unwarranted/unfounded relentless criticism, mocking and hysteria/temper tantrums.
That is narcissistic abuse - which is at the root of social anxiety: fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
The original poster did not describe someone being "Socially oblivious".
Socially oblivious - sure- they can hurt too. But it is not the same hurt, it is not painful. It is annoying when someone do not listen. It is irritating when someone changes abruptly the topic. It is scary when someone appears to reject us and ignore us when we talk to them -
but all these are not abuse. They are simply as you said, being oblivious, being unavailable emotionally.
And there is clear difference - since narcissists who is emotionally unavailable will cause harm and hurt to other along with ignoring them. Someone with neurodivergent brain will not be aggressive. Hence no abuse. That is the difference.
---
What Purple Ella is describing on her channel video - is being socially oblivious.
That is not the same as original poster described, someone being, and I quote him:
"people that would just bulldoze me and make me feel bad"
He clearly uses the word bulldoze -
which means that there is toxic person on the other side: someone who is aggressive, pushing, mocking, blaming, hurting, harming, there is active behaviour of abuse and being abusive. That is clearly not being oblivious.
People who harm other people are doing this for agenda - therefore, there is no oblivion. This is called Coercive control.
There is pre-mediated , defined, instructed , pre-planned way to harm and hurt other person.
---
To avoid confusion, could you describe the traits of her oblivious behavior?
Perhaps in 4, or 5 notes?
Some commentators here equate being oblivious with being aggressive, abusive, manipulative and harming, hurting others.
We need to clear this stuff up because otherwise we will start to put labels on anything that moves - which is social anxiety itself.
Hyper-cognition - placing quick bias definitions on things and people and events which in reality are not what we define them as.
---
"could you elaborate on "struggles with autority figures", in which way"
For some unknown reason, my comments get deleted.
I'll re-write it now, I haven't saved for my blog where I keep all social anxiety comments chronologically.
Authority figure - it is like being on a job and you notice that your colleague is doing corrupt job. You find it hard to alarm them due to fears of their criticism. Same applies to the boss. Then we end up accomplices of a crime - that leads to moral injury, which is quite common in fawning and people pleasing and any anxiety where we are afraid of other people's anger.
---
And it never occurred to you to explore from where this "perfection" stems from?
Has it fallen out of thin air?
Or is it because we were exposed to ACoA while growing up, when our psyche was supposed to receive validation, acceptance, love, care, mirroring, warmth - but got relentless criticism instead?
---
"Of course that's where it comes from"
Due to exposure to such abuse - we will tend to self blame - and we won't have any idea from where anxiety comes from at all. We will be instructed by CBT to self blame and self pathologize our trauma which CBT explains away as weakness and abnormality, something to resolve with "will power"
---
The topic here is oblivious and what it really means.
Being oblivious is being emotionally unavailable,
and it can be in two polar opposite extremes:
1) it can be as being toxic narcissistic abusive psychopath
OR complete opposite:
2) innocent target of psychopaths who then become emotionally unavailable as the result to exposure to abuse by someone emotionally unavailable.
We need to clear these concepts.
Many people mash them up and confuse them and then end up in confusion and self blame and wrong diagnosis.
---
"You don’t have to be rude "
It is wrong to put quick labels on constructive feedback as being rude.
If I was really rude, I would curse, I would throw temper tantrums, I would use Ad hominems arguments, I would belittle and create chaos and not offer any solution.
We need to make distinction to what is rude.
Due to exposure to Alcoholic abuse which is the cause of toxic shame - we have inability to process information and data from others - and we quickly label them as being "rude" - and then end up isolated and afraid, which enforces already present toxic shame.
--
" I'm pushing so hard for change"
You got it wrong.
It is not about change. It is the opposite - that you accept yourself.
Julien talked at the beginning of video - that we reject and lock up part of ourselves. We cannot replace those repressed parts with changing ourselves, as if we can go to supermarket and buy us another personality.
Instead we release them out - and that seems like a change, but what it is in reality is layering of skins of onion. Unearthing and digging out ourselves those parts which are buried.
---
"I see it happening in my 3 yr old niece"
I am not sure it is healthy to label diagnose or pathologize children.
They even do not have persona - Piaget stage lasts until the age of 12, for Christ's sake.
---
"Not sure what cbt is. Can you elaborate?"
CBT is official medical response to anyone suffering with anxiety, panic and emotional dysregulation.
CBT is found in therapy, self help books, online resources - without people knowing it is CBT.
CBT is based on a method called ABC method where person who was abused and who lives in toxic ambient is explained that toxic people do not exist, that feeling fears is abnormality and sickness, that fears are equal to someone's worth and that we can change our difficult emotions by changing our thoughts and explanations. Basically - it is brainwashing.
CBT is similar to Ludovico Method described in movie Clockwork Orange (1971).
CBT was initially produced for the criminally insane and psychopathic hysterical states of suicidal idealization - it was a very short term shock therapy to force person to calm down - and hence can start interact with personnel in insane asylums.
Unfortunately, medical industry recognized this treatment as "useful" for handling any psychological challenges on the masses of people -
without spending much time on healing the person's wounds and seeing what is wrong.
In reality - all our problems stem from narcissistic abuse exposure.
In the end - if narcissists were recognized as problem - then politicians, managers, authority in medical industry would be put off from their managerial seats and forbidden to work with people - so medical industry handled this problem by projecting all problems onto person who is abused.
Abused person will simply be told that he or she is spoiled brat and must calm down.
The problem with such therapy is that this is manipulation and control, it is not actual therapy.
And it can be dangerous - since equating our fears with self worth leads to personality disorder and mental illness.
Emotions must never be stifled down nor suppressed - they must be expressed in controlled manner (without harming anyone).
It is not natural nor healthy to be happy all the time - we live in imperfect world. We will experience pain and harm and it would be abnormal to ignore the pain or to smile when other people are hurting and need assistance and direct help.
The very fact that people often ask me on psychology videos to know what is CBT - is a sign that CBT is infiltrated into psychology - without people actually knowing what is behind someone's words and instructions. That is extremely dangerous - that is control and manipulation, taking away someone's liberty and free will to know all data and information.
This is the same as if you are buying food - without knowing that food is GMO or that it has expired, or that is has cancerogenic components inside it.
---
"And yet you feel the need to judge me. Bravo, dude, you keep showing your real self: you talked about "toxic comments", look in the mirror.
EOT."
I am not judging you.
If I judge you I would use Ad Hominem arguments, personal insults.
What I state are facts - objective and true.
Feedback, being honest.
And it is true - because you never actually did read Julien's video comments. In almost every video there is someone mocking his fashion statement. You simply never find time to read comments - and instead of investigating why are you so self-involved and egocentric - you attack me and blame me, a random person over internet who does not know you personally you accuse me of judging you.
I even cannot judge you - since there is no way that I can know you.
This supports my second fact - that you are extremely isolated and warped, you do not see reality at all. It is like you are blind and you are angry at people around you who try to help you walk and describe you what is going on around you.
---
8.7.2023
When we have inner blockages, as Julien described it in video - it is because of some trauma.
We were exposed to something unfair, shocking, violent, aggressive - that we never processed , and now it is stuck inside our body, lodged inside us like thrown apple on bug's back in Kafka story The Metamorphosis (1915).
What we will experience will come off as fear -
and third party will tell us that it is a mere fear. But it isn't.
This is trauma. We are being traumatized - and symptoms of trauma and fear are extremely similar.
The difference is - that fear is false evidence appearing real - and it always dissipates when we expose ourselves to fears. Like all phobias.
Trauma on the other hand does not go away.
The problem here is because this traumatic fear will not go away, CBT and society will start to label us as our fear - and our inner critic will join the self pathologizing - and we will end up with self blame, toxic shame and personality disorder - since we will believe we are weak, sissy, abnormal, unworthy and incompetent. We will equal our "fear" with our persona.
Very soon this will become self closed circle of new anxieties and new fears - we will start acting like this new persona of fear as we were being labeled by others and ourselves. Then our original "fear" problem will no longer be the only problem - now we will become immobile and passive and our life will become social anxiety issue. Then we will read self help and get official medical response to social anxiety - only to be explained by CBT that we are afraid - which is more of anxiety and more of fear. This is like being sucked into black hole and it sucks us inside deeper and deeper - and all because of fear not being recognized as trauma.
Soon enough we will attract toxic people and we will choose toxic habits and stay stuck in toxic ambient - since we will believe that we are not worthy enough to be safe. We will try to be "strong" and hence invent superiority complex persona mask, to keep up with others. This fake persona will turn into full mental illness.
We need to heal our trauma. That is the only way out of the black hole.
---
"I think we are allowed to learn. Just no one thought us how to."
I have been studying social anxiety ever since 1996, since I started to buy self help books and read endless articles about psychology and fears and difficult people.
It is only after 2020 that I started to connect the dots - after the discovery of complex trauma - which I stumbled upon by a mere chance, by reading DK's general book about health, there was small paragraph about PTSD. They mentioned the word trigger - and that is how I discovered complex PTSD.
The problem is that information we receive is tainted with groupthink herd mentality conformism that simply re-wash the same surface-level data.
We are not god. We cannot know some information on our hunch or through inventing new phrases and new meaning - our brain does not have capacity to explain life on its own.
External environment is crucial in learning.
If the data we receive is censored, constricted, surface leveled, - we won't know the truth. We won't get educated. How could we?
---
9.7.2023
"a lot of the advice that you’re giving "
Nope. I do not give advice. You totally mis-understand what I am talking here. Due to projection. You want other people to be victims and then you see any kind of data and information as advice.
This is property of borderliners and narcissists - where other people are seen as mummy, or superior gods and helpers and then due to your anger and hatred and toxic shame worthiness - you discard supposed mommie as you perceive it, in a cycle of accusations which have no support in reality.
"based on outdated, psychological theory"
This is also projection - since I am strong supporter in anti-psychiatry and I talk a lot against CBT wherever I can.
That is proof that you are projecting and inventing your own reality and then project it onto me.
"I used to follow these models"
Borderline issue.
You see other people as someone who is obliged to help you - and in the same time due to toxic shame you want control and power - so you dismiss any help in the same time as you crave for it.
Let me get it straight -
there is no advice.
At the core - we all have the same brain. If we are able to read this text in English - it also means we have ability to process information.
Due to trauma and exposure to narcissistic and borderliner alcoholic abuse in childhoood - this ability to process and use our brain is hypnotized us into learned helplessness.
My point in all my comments is that we trust our own brain and our own abilities to process reality and to come up with solutions with problems in our lives.
Now - the additional problem is our agenda.
For empathy and sensitive people - there is no agenda. We receive information and we are silent, we do not attack other people or when we do not understand something. That can become problem when we start to self censor ourselves and stop expressing our opinion. That is lesson for HSP to learn in order to heal trauma: that we are not afraid of making other peope angry.
On the other side of spectrum are narcissists and covert narcs and borderliners - who attack others. You have hidden agenda to harm other person, You destroy anything that you do not understand and anything which triggers your narcissistic injury and you have no inner mechanism of shame or guilt to stop from abusing other people. This is called discard phase. Your own grudge, rancour is motor inside your toxic shame.
Your path in healing trauma is to size down your ego - and that will be extremely hard or even impossible - and that is why none of the models worked for you. You actually need to climb down from imagined castles in the sky and superiority complex. And actually be a human being - who is confused and errored and not knowing the truth all the time. Also there is no trust in other people, there is traumatized mind filled with Crab mentality and King of the Hill competitions, one-man-upships.
On the other hand HSPs have the same grudge and rancour - however this aggression is turned within , onto one self - for the sake of not harming other people. HSPs and traumatized empaths are in far better position to heal trauma since there is no inner urge to harm other people - and there only needs to be a bridge to trust people again.
For both groups - there is no advice.
It is about acceptance of oneself and not harming other people in the process.
This harming other people - is sword that narcissists and borderliners will have hard time to put down and leave on the ground.
---
" Don’t be afraid to take charge of your therapy sessions and tell the therapist specifically what you want to work on and how you want to do it."
Therapy is not about ordering patient what to do in life.
Therapy is about information and data.
You perceive other people as slave--drivers and you want to adjust the abuse from such drivers. You set yourself up for drama and hysteria in life and invite more toxic people who are alike yourself, filled with narcissistic desire to be told what to do, manipulation and control orgy 24/7.
To be perfectionist and then being punished when someone diverge from this superior grandiouse image of reality, snapshot of reality (Vaknin).
You basically want to control the therapist and instruct him what he must say and what he must censor - keeping you in your fantasy where you feel safe.
Any information that is different from narcissistic fantasy is painful - and you do not realize that inability to accept reality is problem here - instead you attack anyone who dares to question your fantasy beliefs.
This inability to accept reality - will cause trauma in other people around you - and you will spread your abusive ideas onto other people, like virus infecting healthy tissue. You simply spread trauma onto the next generation just because you are too cowardly to accept reality so you fake pretend to be strong and grand.
--
"just gotta keep searching til you find your people"
In real life - this "search" can take 30 or 40 years.
Like Moses in desert.
What we do in the meantime?
That is topic here.
---
When we are exposed to ACoA - we can become empaths and HSPs and turn aggression within.
Some people - mostly men - take this aggression onto other people. As I see on your other comment, you tend to blame others.
You said:
"The third sentence really hit hard, I gotta remind myself to not be like that cause I hate when other people do that to me"
The point is that we realize that trauma is the cause of our issues - and that we need to take honest assessment about what is going on inside our mind and what needs to be processed and replaced with healthy decisions in life based on health, not rancour or desire to be grand nor superior.
ACoA will twist our healthy decisions into defense mechanisms orgy 24/7 where we see ourselves in threat all the time.
---
Things of high importance which were left unsaid in this video:
1) Dysregulation - Regulation.
When we are dysregulated - there is amygdala hijacking. This means - we cannot become calm. In fact, trying to become calm when irritated to the point of dysregulation - we will make it worse and we will become more qualm, not calm at all
2) Neurodivergent brains - some people's brains does not work as majority. Then activity of neurodivergent brain will appear as not calm - and groupthink conformism will quickly blame and sabotage and attack someone who does not appear as calm. This will end up as toxic shame - and this is path to mental illness. Sometimes being calm is relative. Same applies to something not being calm.
3) In toxic ambient - not being calm is our only weapon to save ourselves and others from dangerous situation.
If we are in the same room with serial killer - it would be wrong to make ourselves calm and stay in that room. Therefore not being calm is not always dangerous - and the opposite is the true.
4) Then we discipline ourselves - this is not being stoic at all. Hypercognition means quickly labelling things and events around us in false manner, hence creating plethora of misdiagnosis. This means - that we believe that being calm is being good person. Yet Hitler was calm person most of the time - since he was psychopath without emotions. Covert narcs are calm when there is no criticism. So being calm is not always sign of normalcy at all - and the opposite is the true. Also when we label discipline as healthy - we may end up in criminally insane state like Russia or North Korea - with concentration camps for those who are not fawning to given norm of mafia and mentally ill people in authority.
5) Suppressing emotions is mental illness. Stifling down trauma will not heal trauma - it will make it worse. It will fester. Ignoring and denying emotions is dysfunctional defense mechanism.
---
In February 2022 Jordan Peterson posted a tweet - as he was doing regularly back then, mostly it was about politics and right wing propaganda machine - he said in his tweet that people must strive to self improve all the time even at night.
And I made comment that this is narcissism. That self improvement leads to building fake persona - when we have no errors and when we deny errors and when we do not learn from our errors any more. When we are perfect- or when we convince ourselves we are perfect - we will become machine, a narcissist.
There was a ton of negative comments by his followers who were shocked by this - they were indoctrinated by Jordan Peterson toxic masculinity ideology about building a fake person of strength, where any weakness is destroyed and abolished.
Later I found Freud comment which directly supported my tweet:
The desire for self development stems from "narcissistic" desires, a tendency to self-aggrandizement and superiority over others.
Sigmund Freud
Needless to say, few weeks later Jordan Peterson announced he will withdraw from Twitter, that his assistants will write tweets from now onwards- and later on he was banned altogether - only to be re-institutionalized when Musk took over Twitter.
---
(10.7.2023)
"Overcome this problem"
Social anxiety is not the problem. It is symptom. There is no problem to solve - it is trauma that needs healing, and understanding. Social anxiety is connected with high moral and ethical standards with humility - if we remove social anxiety in turn we will become Trump, someone extremally rude & inconsiderate to others. The problem will still be there - we will simply switch trauma response from Fawning to Fight - putting other people down.
Social anxiety can be Functional - great example is Michael Jackson who had severe social anxiety yet for his job it was functional and he performed in front of billions of people without problem - only to end his life in tragedy due to unprocessed trauma (ACoA exposure).
Social anxiety also can be Masked - and pretending to be "strong" nor "socially confident" also does not address unresolved and suppressed trauma inside. In fact, masking and making anxiety functional is making the real problem covert.
Making anxiety functional and masked is like placing fancy tiles on ruined house to look smashing on the outside. It will crumble down. It is like Rush Stockton ignoring expert warning and alarms - only to be crushed under deep pressure later on due to ignoring anxious alarms.
Viktor Frankl did not say that our goal is self actualization - there is even you tube video with him telling and explaining this.
What he was saying that making anxiety functional and masked - is not the goal since we are not machines.
Quote from that video:
Q: Determinist notion “Man is machine” "Man is computer", “Man is product of its instincts"?
Frankl: Man is something like a rat in experiments, psychological experiments.
YT Viktor Frankl: Self-Actualization is not the goal
This means that our responses mentioned at 7:55: rumination, worry and threat monitoring -
are not abnormality. If we remove these - we will not get better. We will only make anxiety masked and functional. Like lobotomy.
Jung's Shadow means accepting all our sides, even rumination, worry and threat monitoring - it is when we will be our full Self.
Rumination, worry and threat monitoring - these are reactions to the threat.
If we remove these - we will never leave toxic people. We will become codependent on them and we will fawn to toxic people.
In order to make better life decisions - we need all our senses what to do next in life. Without rumination, worry and threat monitoring we will also remove critical angles in our perspective which must be addressed.
When we are unable to see all angles - we will stay egocentric, like 8 year old child, not being able to see many different angles and perspectives in life.
Instead of self pathologizing our rumination, worry and threat monitoring - I would even increase it - as a method to process the pain, hurt and unfair situations.
As a general rule - we will always discover that narcissistic toxic person is the cause of our rumination, worry and threat monitoring. There is always some toxic selfish person who is almost always covert and due to our high moral and ethical standards, we do not blame other people - so instead of discovering the black hole that must be avoided - we end up blaming and shaming ourselves for feeling negative feelings for no apparent reason.
Another thing not mentioned in the video is socio-economic reason - and that is lack of money being the problem - which we cannot resolve - so rumination, worry and threat monitoring will be stuck with us, it is something that must be acknowledged as part of life.
Third thing not mentioned in the video at all (although trauma information is step better for the author of this video - since he never mentioned trauma in his past videos until now - after my comments about it before) is Neurodivergent brain.
If we feel anxiety for longer lingering time, it is high chance we have neurodivergent brain which most people will label as abnormality and sickness and off the given norm, something to be cured.
Neurodivergent brain is not abnormality - it is simply different way how our brain process information - and it may involve rumination, worry and threat monitoring. Elain Aron said it the best in her book:
Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about solutions, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering.
Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured.
The Highly Sensitive Person,
Elaine N. Aron
The point is that when we struggle with anxiety issues - we will be attacked from all sides possible:
- from abuser who turned on the trauma in the first place
- from society which will explain our symptoms as lack of will and lack of strength
- from our inner critic internalized toxic shame - which will blame us for reacting to toxic people and having normal reactions to unfair situations in life
So any kind of information or data that goes along in the sense of invalidation will not help at all.
Viktor Frankl also talked about this validation importance in 1972 in Canada, he said:
"If we take man as he really is, we make him worse. But if we over-estimate him... If we seem to be idealist and are over-estimating, over-rating man and looking at him that high, here above, you know what happens? We promote him to what he really can be. So we have to be idealist in a way because then we wind up as true, the real realist. If we take man as he should be, we make him capable of becoming what he can be.
This is the most apt maxim and motto for any psycho-therapeutic activity: If you don't recognize a young man's will to meaning, man search for meaning, you make him worse, you make him dull, you make him frustrated, you still add and contribute to his frustration. In this so-called criminal, juvenile delinquent or drug abuser there must be a spark of search for meaning. Then you will elicit it from him, what he is capable"
🟥 Viktor Frankl on Why Idealists Are Real Realists
Peter Levine said it also:
"Any attempt to dictate what thoughts, feelings, and sensations are proper or improper creates a breeding ground for guilt and shame"
Peter Levine
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
Survivors don’t need anyone else telling them what the ‘should do’ or ‘have to do’ to heal. The last thing they need is someone else trying to control them again. Survivors need to know they are in control and that they are the experts in their experience and healing.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
There are so many “positive” messages that are aimed to inspire and help survivors. But when you really listen to these messages, they often guilt or blame survivors for either how they responded to the abuse, or for how they are healing now.
Make sure the messages you share with survivors are honoring and respecting them, their courage, and their choices.
What all these quotes are saying - is that if we remove rumination, worry and threat monitoring - we will end up being gaslighted. Our free will be taken away. And now we are open for control and manipulation by anyone - and this is called Coercive Control. In some states Coercive Control is criminal offense. Coercive control is when a perpetrator is telling the target of abuse that their feelings are invalid, that they are making things up and that there is no threat - only to cover up the covert abuse.
This theme of free will was covered in Clockwork Orange:
Goodness is chosen. When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man.
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
--
YT "Social Anxiety - Self-Awareness is Key #mentalhealth #socialanxiety #shorts"
I agree with the point of this video:
we are not serial killers, we are not Trumps - so self blame and self loathing is not based on reality. We are not criminals nor anti-social people that our inner critic is telling us with toxic shame.
Also another point that I would like to add is that Dr Dodson (inventor of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and expert in ADHD) said - is that he claims that social anxiety does not have post-rumination.
For him, post-rumination is symptom of ADHD and it is part of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
I wrote multiple times on his resources that this statement is untrue - that social anxiety means post rumination, rumination during event and rumination before the event.
If the social event was successful (without incidents) - the event will be perceived as a fluke and focus and hypervigilance will turn onto the next following invent as potential catastrophe.
---
"Aww, you're the friend i need in my life!"
No. She is therapist. We must be realistic and keep off from our codependency issues, making any kind person into our personal imaginary friend.
---
"it was embarrassingly evident that nobody gave it a second thought - until I brought it up with such anxiety"
This is not anxiety.
This is Trauma response, called Fawning - and it is common with social anxiety.
Not caring about other people and how they act and how we affect them is also not healthy as much as caring too much through fawning.
We cannot fix our trauma symptoms by going into the opposite direction.
Instead we need to heal trauma.
---
"I teared up when I said “I worry too much”… I’ve never been able to admit it."
This is called Hypervigilance, and it is part of trauma, complex PTSD (Which is not the same as PTSD).
When we get education about Complex Trauma - we learn about Polyvagal Theory - and we can see in google images how it looks like: there is Ventral Vagal (feeling at ease, no anxiety, sociable), there is hypervigilance (being on edge) and hypo-vigilant (being frozen from trauma).
We need to learn these concepts in order to know what we feel.
When we have no idea what is happening - we will tend to self blame and self pathologize ourselves and we will run on auto-pilot making wrong decisions in life, one after another - through the prism of self sabotaging and making ourselves small and invisible and ashamed for having anxiety issues - which were brought onto us through ACoA exposure.
---
" This pep talk snaps me out of a fear pattern where I worry that Im not good enough."
It is not fear.
It is trauma.
And nope, we cannot logic our way out of trauma. Denying and suppressing and making our symptoms disappear is dysfunctional defense mechanism since it does not address the root cause of trauma at all - it only masks it and makes it functional.
In the same way, Michael Jackson made his severe social anxiety functional - only to end his life in tragedy due to unprocessed trauma of his.
---
"Then, push that energy down down and shake it off."
Nope you got it totally wrong.
What you are saying is dysfunctional defense mechanism, called Suppressing.
"Suppressed emotions stay in the body. The effects of suppressed emotions include anxiety, depression, and other stress-related illnesses. Such suppression can lead to alcohol and substance abuse."
The idea of of this video is realization and understanding that we are not bad evil people. There is no pushing anything away or denying or suppressing - it is about dissolving toxic shame beliefs which are hypnotic remnants from exposure to narcissistic abuse during growing up when we were supposed to be loved and validated but instead we received ACoA illness treatment that made us anxious as adults.
We need all our thoughts and all our emotions - since life is diverse, events are different, there is no black and white thinking world.
In some special occasions - we need shame, we need guilt. Without these - we won't be aware that our acts are anti-social. We can see this phenomena in toxic religion and covert narcissists who are altruist and help people - only to expect something in return. Being good and being nice can be toxic too as much as being unkind and violent.
In order to see all angles and all perspective in lives - we must never block or suppress emotions - good or bad ones. We need all hands on deck. Otherwise - we will end up with mental illness.
---
"The mindfulness meditation book "30 Days to Reduce Anxiety" by Harper Daniels really helps."
Nope.
Self help like that books is doing incredible psychological damage.
Suppressing ,denying emotions is really bad idea and it leads to mental illness.
We need all our emotions - they are telling us what is going on - if we shut them off it is like Rush Stockton ignoring expert warnings and pretending that there are no problems in life - only to end up murdering innocent people on board.
When we deny our negative emotions - we will end up fawning to narcissists, we will end up being codependent and immobile, we won't have any energy nor motivation to change nor to move away from toxic ambient -
it is like boiling live frog in a pan, frog simply learns to live with it and then ends up cooked live.
Self help books that are only industry - are created to make money for author, they do not offer any real valid constructive information at all, they are only made as profit for sweet talker, like Trump or Putin.
---
"Whats the difference between being anxious and feeling anxious?"
Being anxious is Personality trait, Big 5 -
"Neuroticism, one of the Big 5 personality traits, is typically defined as a tendency toward anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and other negative feelings. All personality traits, including neuroticism, exist on a spectrum—some people are just much more neurotic than others."
Feeling anxious - is trauma, it is related to Complex Trauma - and many people have no idea that emotions which they feel are after-effects of trauma - some shocking event that happened which was never processed nor made sense or drawn any conclusion or made into inquiry about what really happened- instead if was suppressed and denied. When we are in this state of denial - anxiety will spring up as the only clue that our trauma is stuck inside our body, lodged like apple on our back in Kafka's book Metamorphosis.
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Therapist must tell you objective truth - which is either painful and hurtful to us OR it is boring and medical.
These things friends will package and sugar coat it and friends will try not to hurt your feelings - even when truth is needed. Then the drama and suspense about speaking about problem will go into multiple series like a soap opera for years - where therapist can bring it all on table in 15 minutes of session.
That is the difference.
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YT "How to combat social anxiety 🙃 #shorts"
Masking anxiety leads to more anxiety.
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This is trick question.
There is nothing we can do. There is no answer to this question.
When someone is abusive and violent - there is no amount of preparation that we can expect it. With ACoA we are trained to believe we can prepare ourselves for toxic people - and hence we live in a life filled with hypervigilance and preparedness for abuse by someone at some time.
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YT "PSP 321: How to Creat Effective Social Anxiety Exposures"
As explained in video - dysfunctional families are crucial in developing social anxiety issues.
I would like to elaborate on this in detail:
This Exposure concept is really confusing to socially anxious. In competitive toxic shame cultures - we are brainwashed to be "strong" and never to be "coward" - so we are explained that our social anxiety is weakness and hence something to destroy and deny and then cure by exposure. CBT will tell us that we must expose in order to "wear off" social anxiety. Unfortunately, this will not work in real life. This is why:
Problem is - that this exposure concept is equivalent to diving to deep crushing depths with carbon fibre:
we will crack under pressure and implode.
Due to exposure to ACoA ambient while growing up - we were raised by authority figures which were mentally ill, someone like Rush Stockton who taught us to build our shell out of carbon fibre. This means: we were exposed to endless criticism and denial of our alarms and reactions to unfair situations- and any criticism was washed away and suppressed - the same as Rush fired security engineers warning him that carbon fibre is not safe for diving.
So - exposure will not work in social anxiety - since we do not have quality shelter shell - to withstand the social pressure.
Carbon fibre : is looking for external validation and self loathing, as explained in video. That is our shell when we go into social depts - we have no constructive nor strong shell to keep us safe in social situations depths - and we will instead feel our reality crumbling in any difficult deep, deeper social settings.
On the other hand - normal kids had parents like Cameron - who is making his submersibles out of Titanium.
Analogy of Titanium shell submersible - would be to accept ourselves as we are, fully. With our ability to process reality deeply which other people may quickly mis- label as "over-thinking" and "worry" and "rumination".
It is accepting that we are weird to some people. It is accepting our errors and mistakes - without trying to over-compensate and trying to influence other people to love us. Titanium would be to be fully ourselves and standing for ourselves as we are, imperfect and errored and mistaken. In ACoA we learned that we must be perfect, without mistakes.
Then we create false carbon fibre personality - and we think we must have strong will and to be strong and to be without mistakes - which only adds up to creating more pressure - which can easily implode under real social pressure.
For example - for social anxiety - many videos created by young males on you tube and Jordan Peterson and instant stoic cult - videos will instruct socially anxious to pretend to be strong and confident as the only goal in life. That is carbon fibre. That is building fake narcissistic mask - which will hurt at any sign of crack, where someone is real and honest with us - we will feel anxious when criticized - leading to snowball effect of implosion under pressure of real life depths.
Titanium on the other hand would be - accepting ourselves as we are.
This means having attitude of admitting our mistakes and not beating ourselves up for not being perfect. "yes, I made mistake. I am sorry if I errored and hurt you. Yes, I made wrong opinion, wrong act." That is titanium shell which can withstand deep social depths.
Titanium is also warning and alerting people when they pressure us into fawning and pretending that we do not see other people toxic acts and their coercive control, manipulation and control.
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YT "How To Overcome Social Anxiety #shorts"
Social anxiety is not issue with being charismatic and smooth talker. IT is Complex Trauma issue and it stems from exposure to toxic masculinity abuse in childhood.
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YT "This is how you can overcome social anxiety."
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma issue.
Actively challenging thoughts will lead to PureOCD issues and more anxiety.
Our thoughts affect our emotions - but also toxic people do that too, and lack of money (socio-economic issues).
Then our thoughts can be perfect and anxiety will still be there - due to covert narcissists and unrealized Maslow needs.
Person with Complex Trauma is filled with toxic shame which prevents realization of goals in life. The only focus is threat adn trauma ran on auto-pilot.
Safety behaviors are here to prevent implosion. Without them we will crack under pressure. It is wrong to remove safety behaviors without rebuilding education about trauma.
Pushing ourselves out of comfort zone is equivalent to diving to deep ocean pressure depths with carbon fibre - it will end up in implosion. Carbon fibre exposure to depths will not make carbon fibre strong - it will implode eventually. The same applies to social anxiety trauma. Instead of exposure - we need titanium instead of carbon fibre for exposure.
Titanium would be total acceptance and validation of ourselves - even when we make mistakes, when we are mistaken and when we make errors.
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YT "How to overcome social anxiety and shyness | 3 psychological tips for shyness. #shorts"
Social anxiety is complex trauma.
Exposing with trauma is the same as diving to Titanic pressure depths with carbon fibre - it will implode when exposed to deep pressure.
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"I have both"
Then it is social anxiety.
Then it is not only performance anxiety - it will be all kinds of anxiety that can exist on this planet.
And it stems from exposure to abuse in childhood when our brain was supposed to be accepted, loved and validated - it received criticism 24/7 instead.
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YT "5 Tips to Beat Social Anxiety as an Entrepreneur #youtubeshorts #entrepreneur #motivation #subscribe
"
Proactive strategies are Masking and making anxiety Functional.
This does not address trauma and toxic shame which are true cause of social anxiety: ACoA.
Exposure to social situation which make us anxious with unresolved trauma is like diving to Titanic depths with carbon fibre. It will implode eventually, it will crack under pressure.
Titanium shell submersible would be accepting our social anxiety without need to destroy it or be ashamed of it, hiding it away and trying to overcompensate it.
Overcompensation leads to creating crushing depth pressure. Narcissism and creating fake personality mask - similar to Rush Stockton denying critics and banning them from sight, anyone who warned him that carbon fibre does not work under pressure.
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YT "HOW TO DESTROY SOCIAL ANXIETY BY ONE TRICK? #shorts #selfimprovement #socialanxiety #selfhelp"
Social anxiety is not sickness nor abnormality to destroy.
Social anxiety is connected with high moral and ethical standards. Without those, we will become mentally ill serial killer like Putin or narcissistic monster like Trump, someone who is evil and abnormal, anti-social.
Social anxiety stems from trauma - exposure to alcoholic abuse during childhood, it is called ACoA or ACE in psychology.
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YT "1 amazing tool for anxiety!! #anxiety #anxious #mentalhealth"
What happens when we are not in safe environment? When environment is not safe at all but hysterical, violent and toxic - and in the same time we cannot run away due to money, third party or bureaucracy.
What then?
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YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety: A Psychiatrist explains in simple words"
Social anxiety is not the same as social anxiety disorder.
Without social anxiety we would be anti-social criminally insane delinquents like Trump or Putin.
Also,
Calling something as "disorder" is ableism and labelling and stigmatizing - and it is making things worse - since abused person is now brainwashed to believe that feeling reactions to abuse is abnormal sickness that must be suppressed and ashamed of, and that emotions are equal to someone's self worth.
Social phobia was renamed in mid 1990s - since CBT "experts" discovered that social anxiety does not go away with exposure.
Calling mental health issues as "disease" is ableism and it is making more damage than good. Reaction to abuse and oppression is not disease.
Crucial Things related to social anxiety not mentioned in video at all:
Complex trauma, ACoA, neurodivergence, socio-economic constraints, toxic shame.
Social anxiety does not affect day to day functioning. Trauma does that.
Unresolved, unaddressed, unrecognized trauma does that. Not social anxiety.
Social anxiety is symptom, not the cause.
"people who already are in your life"
Social anxious people do not have people. That is because they have social anxiety.
"Gradual exposing"
is equal to diving to deep depths with carbon fibre. Carbon fibre will not become strong by exposure to deep pressure. It will implode eventually due to exposure.
Overcoming social anxiety is equal to making anxiety Functional and Masked. Trauma is still there.
While it is true that avoidance ought not to be our only coping mechanism - when we are in toxic ambient, without money and when we are traumatized - it is the only sane option. Dismissing our brain as abnormal for protecting itself and trying to survive as best as circumstances admit - leads to self pathologizing - and this is the most devastating result of horrible and ableist CBT, which ought to be banned.
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"my parents don't drink"
1) there is term called para-alcoholic where an abusive person may not drink at all but has all traits of alcoholic. That is why ACoA goes along with adage "dysfunctional families"
2) We did not caught up with anxiety by chance.
We did not get infected with these specific fear trauma phobias anxieties by a mere chance.
This is not something that we caught on as if a cold.
Social anxiety is the specific fear, trauma actually - which only stems from exposure to long term abuse - over or covert.
The more we deny it - the more suppressed this abuse us.
IT is not normal for a child to be criticized.
It is abnormal for child to be invalidated when growing up, denied of emotions and rights to be validated.
Social anxiety trauma is learned, programmed complex trauma issue which springs from dysfunctional ambient over long period of time - when our psyche was forming and supposed to get validated ,accepted and loved to feel secure and safe to develop personality. This is something we did not experience - hence we have now social anxiety.
Even the best intentions can be devastating.
Good intentions are road to hell.
Being brought up in discipline may be for the best cause - but it will leave us with perfectionism OCD issues as adults.
Suppressing sexuality may be perceived as good in eyes of some cult strict religion - but it is not healthy and it breeds all kinds of deviations.
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11.7.2023
YT "3 adhd symtpoms you didn t know where adhd"
ADHD and RSD overlap with anyone gone through alcoholic abuse in childhood and dysfunctional families:
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Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is the same as Social anxiety which is the same as Complex Trauma, which is the same as Emotional Dysregulation, which is all the same as ACoA & Dysfunctional families childhood upbringing having effect on our psyche well being. These are all synonyms and equal to each other.
These are all powered by exposure to narcissistic abuse - narcissism being the core of evil which is causing all these troubles and problems and issues we try to handle - and we end up self blaming ourselves and self pathologizing ourselves ("we have adhd, we have forgetfulness, we are unreasonable, we are projecting, we are over-sensitive" etc). This self blame is called gaslighting and brainwashing inside narcissistic abuse. That is how control and manipulation is maintained.
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YT "If You've Been Through Trauma - How To Work With Your Inner Critic - Complex PTSD
"
When there is inner critic (trauma actually) - the inner critic is not the only symptom.
Chances are there are trauma responses such as fawning as well and toxic shame as well - where we will be stuck in feeling incompetent and not taking chances, not taking actions and not gathering experiences - but instead immobility and deep core belief we are not good. As long as toxic shame is inside us, inner critic is keep coming back. Weeding out works only when the root is plucked out.
Plucking toxic shame would mean paradoxical situation for us - and that is embracing inner critic and not changing it. When we go into battles with inner critic - we are signaling our brain that we are inept, abnormal - and this fuels toxic shame, hence giving more of inner critics in turn.
Trauma at its core is invalidation and desire for perfection - that there are no errors nor any kind of excitement about something that we cannot get but we want it. Healing trauma would be total validation which paradoxically means accepting and validating our errors, and bad sides and validating anything we don't like about ourselves.
To make this easier to explain, let's see example from the world politics:
This accepting inner critic is the same as validating Russia. Third prophecy from 1971's Portugal Fatima says that Russia will become aggressive in the future - and that Russia will become aggressor harming and hurting nations causing immense destruction to the world - not only through wars but through famine and economic difficulties as well. 100 years ago Catholic Church interpreted this as prophesized danger as fear of communism - and unwittingly brought Putin into power through the wrong battles against USSR regime. Putin is criminally insane due to obsession over USSR collapse where he had a role of high ranking secret agent and probably commit many hidden atrocities for the sake of regime.
Now we know that the Fatima prophecy was talking about Putin, not communism.
Well anyhow - the Prophecy from Fatima itself clearly says that we must accept and validate ("consecrate") Russia in order to avoid wars and destruction which Putin is committing.
This is something to think about -
how can we allow inner critic to exist while it is harming us in the process?
With narcissistic abuse - we know we must ultimately abandon the narcissists in order to stop narcissistic abuse. But how can we leave some invisible entity which lives inside our mind as inner critic? We cannot go to rocket ship and abandon Earth by leaving crazy Putin on its own.
This analogy with Fatima prophecy - means that we are contributing to the rise of inner critic through wrong interpretations of alarm systems and sixth sense. We unwittingly create more trauma on the top of existing one, simply by trying to avoid danger and harm and hurt - through wrongly interpreting the danger where there is none , or at least not as critical as it appears in our minds and explanations.
I think with inner critic - this is a side-effect of our inability to process data, inability to analytically perceive objectively reality and our egotism trying to make ourselves comfortable yet by destroying other ideas and processes which are not harming us in any way - yet we over-react to them and see danger where there is none.
When we don't act from love - we cannot hide our suppressed anger and hate. We think we can cover it up and mask it away through over-compensation - but really we cannot hide it well. If we have rancour inside us - it will come out eventually and through domino effect it will irritate other processes inside and outside of ourselves and eventually we will be harmed by our own hate and fear and bias and selfishness and egotism.
With inner critic - it is a sign that we have rancour inside us which is extremely covered up, suppressed, put away from our consciousness - all in the trial to be moral and ethical perfect person without errors - and then inner critic will spring up for punishing us for not being perfect. As we learned to think in childhood when we were exposed to alcoholic abuse and dysfunction from our toxic ambient.
When inner critic springs up - I would take it as a sign there is hidden rancour inside us which needs to be melted and transformed into healthy anger, healthy boundaries and true desire to learn, know and educate ourselves about reality - instead of blindly trying to be saint and good person just to please others and ourselves by being "good".
Trauma will set us up to be good in order not to be dysfunctional and hysterical like our caretakers in childhood.
But this dysfunctional delusional hypnotized and programmed trial to be super human without emotions and without errors will end up as inner critic.
Quote:
Goodness is chosen. When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man.
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
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"I guess it's a good thing my parents don't drink alcohol."
When we learn about ACoA - we can learn that there is concept called "Para-alcoholic" - where person may not drink alcohol - but have full traits of alcoholic.
Also,
this is the reason why ACoA adopted the adage "and dysfunctional families" alongside Adult Children of Alcoholic.
We did not caught on Rejection issues on our own - this specific issue must stem from exposure to narcissistic abuse in childhood - when our brain was supposed to be loved and accepted and validated.
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YT "Wellness expert offers tips for managing panic attacks
"
American medical industry is plagued by pharma mafia, CBT and DSM which bans information about trauma and dysfunctional families having devastating effect on mental health of those inside such toxic ambient.
That is why it is surprising this trauma is mentioned here at 1:24
This is huge leap in understanding.
Self help industry books and CBT therapists will make panic attack to be as lack of will and weakness - not as it really is: after effect of exposure to narcissistic abuse.
Exposure will not help with panic,
Exposure with panic trauma is the same as if diving to depths with carbon fibre and pretending that each dive is making submersible shell stronger. Eventually - our psyche created in dysfunctional ambient will implode, it will not get stronger with exposure at all.
---
Toxic ambient is not mentioned at all here. This lack of information will lead to self blame, self pathology - and hence more of panic attacks. When we do not know what is wrong, we repeat the same mistakes and errors and wrong methods over and over again.
Alcoholic abuse in childhood nor dysfunctional families is not mentioned at all - as crucial cause of panic attacks.
Instead - this CBT video is explaining that genetics are the cause or adult issues like job loss or divorce.
Trauma is explained as PTSD - which makes us believe there had to be incest or violent criminal abuse that goes with ableist CBT mis-label of trauma.
Lot of holes in this video - many crucial information is hidden away from us to learn and educate about - as is Matrix is keeping us from knowing reality -
and instead the video is following CBT hysteria and brainwashing: that panic attack is issue with will and power of the will.
This way, CBT is a form of narcissistic abuse and Coercive control -
where perpetrator of abuse is left alone and everyone else is being diagnosed and treated.
Video is focused on suppressing and denial and repressing panic. As if if we do not feel and we are not allowed to notice nor hear creeks cracks in Rush Stockton submersible - and then when we self blame ourselves and perform lobotomy on our alarm systems that we are in red flags danger ambient - then we won't be panicked that we are inside death trap of criminally insane person who lied to us that Titan is safe for deep diving. If we only smell lavender, then our common sense won't be aware through panic that we buy into narcissistic person confidence being mis-interpreted as competence.
When we pathologize ourselves we won't become confident nor strong. We will implode instead.
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
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YT "Being a nice person does not mean be a pushover #setboundaries #limit #selfrespect
"
In real life setting boundaries lead to femicide and being jobless.
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YT "Don't be a Victim! #victim #hardtimes #lifeshard #courage #pushthrough #innerstrength #selfbelief"
Belief that we must quit being victim is symptom of both Complex PTSD and PTSD.
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"I used to have severe social anxiety disorder, and I overcame it. Now I have mild to no levels of social anxiety."
You had extreme form of shyness. You simply mis-labeled it a social anxiety - and now you try to explain your shyness as social anxiety to others - people who have trauma. That is doing psychological damage to traumatized victims of abuse, by telling them how to heal shyness. It simply won't work for them, it will leave them feel lazy, weird, "non-cured" and abnormal - while in the same time you will feel superior to them - and that gives you kicks and boost to self esteem. Please stop it.
---
While partly I would say it feels good to get revenge on difficult and toxic people -
I would advice that we work on our rancour as reaction to these abnormal and criminally insane predators and monsters.
When we farm hatred inside us and revenge fantasies - we are actually growing a form of narcissism inside us - and that is the whole point of narcissistic abuse: that is spreads around like a virus.
In reality , narcissists and psychopaths and sociopaths are criminally insane, they are abnormal - things they do is automatic for them, it is like being trapped inside a body of serial killer - they cannot help it but to abuse other people around them, it compels them to do so and to treat other people like trash and enjoying in sadism.
Instead of revenge fantasy and rancour I would encourage that we grow compassion inside as - alongside of boundaries and limits and breaking contact wherever it is possible.
With that being said, growing compassion for predators - whilst we are in situation trapped with them without means of escape of breaking the contact - instead of compassion for them, I would work on compassion for ourselves. It takes a great deal of mental health, mental strength and endurance to be around such monsters.
The only thing to keep us from being infected by virus of hate and rancour is education and that we are fully aware of what is going on.
Predators are not neurosurgeons - yet they know very well how to brainwash us, how to entrain us, how to pull our strings and our weak spots - and they will train us like circus animals - even when we react negatively to them, by not going along with their plans and unreasonable demands.
We need to walk on slippery knife's age of not abiding to hysteria, hatred, rage and anger - yet to have enough of healthy anger to keep us safe without fawning to those monsters - and occasionally we will make mistakes here and there. It is really important that we stay off from the temptation to hurt them as they hurt us - and instead it would be to save money and make plans how to leave them in the future, safely and without drama, as our only goal in life.
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(12.7.2023)
"cbt is to trauma, what a pain killer is to a foreign object in your flesh"
Nope. CBT is the foreign object itself.
It does not help, instead it joins into hysteria and abuse and takes sides of abuser through brainwashing and gaslighting. CBT ought to be banned.
"There's no such thing as a free lunch."
Mental health issues are not capitalism.
Social anxiety is not a matter of being lazy or having weak will or being weak. It is sickness, like being beaten up in the streets - wounds and injuries are sickness - caused by third party, it is not someone's imagination or self inflicted.
To tell injured person there is no free lunch is cruel and something that Nazi would say in concentration camps. Arbeit macht frei. For shame!
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"and give you the ability to assess and see life in a different way"
This ability is already inside.
Trauma really does nothing - this is a myth created by CBT and pharma mafia to make money on traumatized through endless therapies and misleading instructions and wrong explanations.
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"it made me stronger. I’m not scared of anything life could throw at me."
That is called Reaction Formation.
IT has nothing to do with being "stronger".
You simply do the opposite.
This will come with price because opposite is not always healthy. Any rigid mindset is mental illness.
For example, when we pretend to be strong and not afraid - we will end up in narcissistic abusive relationships - since we will ignore red flags that come with fear and panic symptoms. We will simply ignore them and then end up being codependent with predator who is pathological liar and with their coercive control.
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When we equate self worth with how we feel (for example strong) - we are doing incredible psychological covert damage inside us.
First of all we are creating emotional fusion - where we think emotions we feel are who we are as person. This belief will lead to personality disorder - since our mood swings will determine our self assessment and trust in us.
When something bad happens we will be governed by intense toxic shame.
Secondly, when we base our self worth on external stimuli - we will become codependent and borderline - our reality will depend on other people and events. When there is rainy day, we will feel depressed. When we have money problems, we will be person with self loathing issues.
We cannot bring better decisions in life when we have toxic shame and self loathing. We cannot see reality nor make any kind of mental healthy assessment of anything if our own self trust is trauma bonded with other people and how we feel about life, people and events.
Jung Dark Shadow acceptance means loving and accepting and validating ourselves - all parts - including those when we feel "weak" and weird and abnormal and ashamed of. This total self trust is the first target of trauma and abuse events, this is firstly attacked: our deep self trust in our own ability to think and make up decisions without comparing it with someone who appears "stronger".
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YT "Trauma didn't make me stronger..."
CBT and pharma mafia will brainwash us with belief that we must hide away difficult emotions and suppress them - in order to be accepted by others by being "strong".
This way corrupt medical industry which is suppose to help us in trauma - is actually re-traumatizing us - by making us believe that trauma means weak self will and that being traumatized means being lazy and non-productive.
That is a lie and this instruction - if we believe in that lies - will create personality disorder inside us. Because we will start to believe that we are only valid person when we are perfect and without errors and without any mistakes.
In short - CBT is narcissistic abuse - since all narcissistic abuse is based on correcting and disciplining others - in order to conform to narcissists delusional beliefs about what is normal.
Strong or weak - these are subjective labels.
What matters is our kindness and that we have no hidden agenda to harm and cause pain or hurt to other people - that is the only thing that matters.
When we know our own self worth as person - then we will be strong, being strong will come as side-effect. Not as Jordan Peterson's alcoholic NPD order how we must be "strong".
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What I have noticed is that trauma comes in onion layers.
Once I am aware of certain Complex PTSD issue and I process it and I make peace with myself - there is deeper layer below it. And then this new layer feels new, as if I never felt it really before.
For example - I may see report from corrupt Balkan country where orphan kids are being molested and abused by government employees - and all trauma of be being abused in kindergarten re-surface as a volcano of disgust and panic which appear to me as totally new emotions which I cannot contain or regulate when erupting. Something that never bothered me before - now I feel the helplessness and realization how much trauma this abuse will create in new children in 2023. And that there is no legal way to prevent it in a corrupt country filled with criminals in authority.
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This is part of common trauma myths:
1) Myth: Trauma making someone stronger - while in reality trauma destroys our natural strengths and removes them from our focus. Strength is inside us it always is inside us - but it is outside of our focus (awareness) due to trauma
2) Myth: We simply need to leave, we are victims when we stay. In reality: due to money, third party, immobility, bureaucracy, coercive control (pathological lying and brainwashing) - we have no means to exit traumatic situation.
3) Myth: That we lack skills. In reality: when CBT instructs us to explanation how we do not know how to act - we will develop toxic shame and personality disorder as acceptance of this myth. In reality - our brain is hijacked, amygdala hijacking and emotional dysregulation - keep our cortex brain offline - where ability to process information and remember all the good advice that we have heard , read and experienced before is out of our awareness - since we are in survival mode - due to exposure to narcissistic abuse - that we do not cause at all.
It is the same as to say to Ukraine that they have no highways or opera houses - and must build highways and grand buildings to attract investors - while in the same time it is being country invaded by Russia and destroyed by war imposed to Ukraine.
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YT "CPTSD. You don't know how to communicate."
It is not that easy that we blame and self pathologize ourselves. If the partner is emotionally unavailable - there is nothing about us that is wrong such as "inability to ask for what we want".
Another error that you make - is giving instructions to someone with Complex Trauma.
This is common myth - that therapist believe how traumatized people are mentally challenged and have low IQ since they seem unable to make common sense actions such as being upfront about obvious issues. Then this therapist approach to give orders what to do in life is creating incredible psychological damage - of toxic shame and personality disorder - since traumatized person will now believe that one is abnormal for having trauma and that own ideas how to handle life is infected - must be suppressed and destroyed - and replaced with someone's advice and instructions.
In reality - traumatized are traumatized. They do not need advice at all. They need validation, acceptance - not being treated as a clueless child. It is more like instead of nitpicking obvious errors and treating other person as moron who is unable to think - that we approach as to remembering who we are and shifting focus.
4:46 "You need to stop believing in your thought you are victim"
Traumatized people do not believe nor have this thought at all. You are placing this shame into others.
Please stop this CBT corrupt ableist crap and turn to Humanistic psychology.
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YT "Learn Self Love after Trauma #traumarecovery #traumarecovery #cptsd #ptsd #innerstrength #selfcare
"
Excellent message.
I would add one important data which is too often omitted:
Self love does not mean loving only parts of ourselves. IT means total self love. Of all parts.
And this means loving when we are mistaken.
Having understanding and compassion when we make errors.
Loving when we accept things we cannot change immediately yet are toxic and obnoxious and shameful.
That is self love.
Awareness about wrong sides of ourselves is pre-requisite of self love - since our brain will block awareness about what we dislike about ourselves - we will push that down and suppress it from our focus.
Then we will end up believing that self love means tolerating our fears - while self love means tolerating our disgust and panic and fears, shame and anything we are ashamed of. That is not easy - it is not easy to tolerate it, it is not easy to discover what we suppressed.
And as you said in the video - for healing self love is crucial.
We cannot self love something that we are not aware of what to love.
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"What you're describing is less of a proof than a mere feeling. Ever stepped on a Lego? Feels way worse than what actually happens, right?"
Being abused is not a mere feeling.
Being in situation of mobbing is not a mere feeling.
Being attacked is not a mere feeling.
Being homeless after we stood up for ourselves and left toxic job - in poor country where job is scarce - and then urinated attacked and humiliated on street by random hooligans is not a mere feeling.
Being oppressed because of skin color, lack of money or just being different - is not a mere feeling.
Being cheated on is not a mere feeling.
Your girlfriend pooping in your bed and then contemplating how to defame you in court and world wide public and stealing your life savings is not a mere feeling.
Trauma is real. People are not inventing their trauma.
Trauma is not a matter of will power or being "weak" nor not being "strong".
---
YT "Healing from CPTSD: Embracing Core Values for Growth and Transformation"
At a social anxiety video, one commentator wrote that feelings of anxiety, panic and trauma which appears as fears we have are, in his own words " a mere feeling." Then he continues to explain:
"Ever stepped on a Lego? Feels way worse than what actually happens, right?"
What I am saying here - is that trauma does not mean our compass needs update. Compass is working fine.
Think of compass - how it starts to jump around a magnet. Compass is not broken - it is in state of frenzy due to magnet.
If we believe that compass is broken - and remove face protection and start to move its pointers with our fingers - we will broke it! Pointers are not broken - they are simply misleading due to toxic people and narcissists - who are true and core cause of any kind of trauma.
When we are traumatized - we won't know what our true values are - since our compass will jump into all directions as compass would near magnet.
We need to remove magnet and let compass , sixth sense, common sense, intuition, super Ego , our gathered experiences to guide us.
Easier said than done.
What if we live in Russia - where state mafia is oppressing any business activity - we won't have much use of our compass if nepotism will take all the jobs and racket will prevent us from making our own business in such toxic corrupt country?
What if we live in Afghanistan or any third country where personal freedoms are censored and banned and punished?
Nothing about compass that we meddle and try to implement - won't work - not because of our lack of will or activity - but due to toxic ambient.
The point is - that we need to recognize what is the magnet - and then our only goal is to find place where magnet is not there.
Living in Russia or third world country would mean saving money and leave, relocate.
If we stay - and if we decide to self blame and self pathologize ourselves for toxic ambient - and if we make ourselves believe that somehow we can make ourselves strong inside toxic ambient - this will lead to trauma and personality disorder - since we will develop toxic shame, core belief that we are dirty and contaminated for not feeling happy, sane and content - whilst we are inside toxic ambient.
This is extremely hard to grasp - but we need to accept ourselves as we are - with or without values.
IF we are not serial killers, if we do not have hidden agenda to harm other people and we are not anti-social through the means of being violent - there is nothing that we need to fix inside us. There is nothing wrong inside us.
When we are normal, kind, sane, empathic friendly and nice person - and when we do not get results in life - when we feel depressed and unhappy - there is a magnet which is messing up with our compass.
Instead of fixing ourselves - we really need to become Sherlock Holmes or scientist in a laboratory - and seek what is the magnet -
which requires being objective, truthful, honest, rational and to pick up clues and facts from our ambient and see it under the microscope.
We cannot do this processing stimuli nor discovery of magnet (covert narcissists) - if we have idea that there is something wrong with us and our values and that we must be focused on fixing ourselves.
---
This is Complex Trauma. Our only weapon is detailed education about trauma and understanding what is going on.
When we do not have deep education in psychology - we will tend to compare ourselves to others (as seeing others as being "successful" and better) and we will tend to self blame - because exposure to narcissistic abuse will make us doubt ourselves. The truth is that "successful" others have neurotypical brain - which makes them achieve certain goal posts easily and without effort in life - which are approved by conformism and ableist society as norm. The truth is also that such people have a lot of fallbacks and shortcomings which they learned how to cover up and hide really well.
Think of instagram influencers who appear perfect and amazing online - while behind camera it is far from perfect.
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"If you are depressed you will be sensitive if you are happy with your life then your sensitivity is almost always in low level"
I think you mix up terms.
Happy with your life means actually psychological safety and Ventral Vagal.
For example - eating a lot of food may make you feel happy and forget your troubles - but you will ruin your health and won't be happy in the future when you start to have all kinds of medical conditions.
Soothing ourselves over pain and repressing emotions is not healthy in the long term -
think of it like diving to deep depths of ocean with carbon fibre. Sure, it will work 3 times, you will feel happy for seeing old ship which 99 percent of people will never see in their life, however on 4th time your happiness will implode.
We live in toxic society with CBT and self help industry books - which explain us that being happy means being healthy. This is dangerous belief.
---
We need to become Sherlock Holmes and scientist in a laboratory - and study and analyze the problems we have in life, objectively and without bias, with all facts included even those which are uncomfortable and painful for us to admit. That is processing stimuli information data what it means - that we have ability to asses situation in clear, honest and detailed manner from all possible angles.
Hint:
If we are not serial killers, if we have no hidden agenda to harm and cause hurt and pain to other people - there is nothing wrong with us. It's most likely that we are gaslighted to believe we are bad by narcissists.
--
"every person in my life though??"
Chances are when we are brought up in ACoA ambient of dysfunction - we will attract toxic people like moth to a flame.
Predators only way to function in this life is to parasite over others - and as any parasite they can only to this if the find immobile body or someone who is transfixed and frozen by trauma and abuse - so any parasite would feel normal to us - since that is what we were living with since birth.
So yes - there are high chances that we will attract toxic people and we will self sabotage ourselves - we will think we are abnormal and does not have powers to risk and do things in life - other than being passive - which is called Learned Helplessness - which is the ultimate goal of narcissists over their targets: that we become immobile and stay stuck inside toxic ambient.
Our only legal battle and war against toxic people is education about trauma and ACoA and dysfunction - we need to understand what is happening from objective, medical , scientific side - not from narcissists to explain us or their entrainment. We are entrained (Vaknin) - when we are in narcissistic abuse ambient - we will get hypnotized - and be in survival mode all the time - our cortex brain will have no way to discern reality nor to be logical.
Awareness of what is going on is our only weapon.
CBT will explain us that toxic people do not exist and that we are hallucinating abuse, and CBT (which means 90 percent of industry self help books and you tube videos and online resources) are nothing else but flying monkey of narcissists and predators and pscyhopaths in authority.
---
I am putting this quote comment on my social media - I love this, you literally explained everything that I was struggling with to understand. This thing here:
"imagine if she had punched him in the face like Gabor said she might feel an urge to do if she was in a "healed" relationship with her anger. The podcast guy could have sent her to the hospital, sued her, ruined her career, etc."
Yep!
That is the core of suppressing anger issues. Right there.
WE live in toxic society where abusers run free and are un-noticed by legal system mostly due to white privilege. That is problem.
---
" But to cut him some slack, he is usually very precise and careful in his statements"
I think therapists struggle with this concept themselves.
It is extremely complex. Almost like keeping track of temporal distortions in Tenet or Star Trek.
I learned by watching HealthyGamer video - concept called Unfavorable Power Dynamics. He also talked about what GeneVie said in his comment - that there are situations out there where we have no option other than automatic responses which may not be "good" from a certain angle.
This means - good response is to protest sexual abuse. However - in corrupt system - no one would believe the victim and it would destroy her life if the abuser is well known person of status.
This goes other way round - when Michael Jackson was accused of abuse - only to reveal it was blackmail.
Well here goes complex part:
HealthyGamer in his following video, when he talks about topics such as Pushover and Social anxiety -
he completely misses and forgets this paradox: that healthy response in toxic unfavorable power dynamic ambient will be harmful to the abused person.
So when we have been abused in past - we will quickly notice abusers who are mostly covert and hidden behind glib charm mask.
When we have high IQ - we will quickly notice toxic people.
When we are HSP - we will quickly notice what is wrong in the system. We will see it all. Like having x-ray vision. And then - our only option is to express boundaries of what is toxic -
and in most cases - we will end up being alarmist and too sensitive to conformist society.
Like Prince William being scapegoated and mocked by British media.
In corrupt Balkan countries - it is whistleblowers who are punished for speaking out - not the abusers. They get mocked, fired from jobs without help or chance to get another job in corrupt country.
Now,
let's go back to social anxiety -this is where real complex part is.
Someone who is abuses will suffer from social anxiety issues - like avoiding life, having hard time to hold on to job where there is screaming and yelling and drama and backstabbing, being in freeze and survival mode or mostly in fawning - which is highly toxic.
Then this person will seek help - and CBT and most of You tube videos, and all industry self help books - will instruct socially anxious people to be bold and to be "confident" and "strong" and talkative and "assertive".
Even HealthyGamer videos - which clearly defined unfavorable Power Dynamics in April - by June he totally forgot all about it.
And as it is clear to me after Gene's comment - social anxiety is not disorder at all.
It is normal and healthy response to toxic ambient. There would be some kind of punishment without social anxiety reactions.
When we talk - toxic people with covert evil agenda people will attack us.
So instead of validation - CBT will instruct us to feel bad about ourselves for not being "strong" and "confident", and to develop toxic shame (deep core belief of being inept to handle life), and it will re-traumatize us. It is like forcing us to use carbon fibre to make deep ocean depths - CBT will explain us that each exposure will make us stronger somehow - while in reality we will eventually implode due to pressue.
CBT does not see pressure as problem (sexual abuse, mobbing etc). CBT explains us that we are weak (hence created personality disorder due to making us disbelieve and abandon our natural brain reactions). CBt will explain us that we must be "strong"- and this advice will end as femicide and being jobless because toxic people will destroy us for being blunt, honest and talkative about problems that we see.
CBT ought to be banned.
---
1) maybe you are different than majority. Most people do not know
2) maybe you do not know or understand all information about narcissist. Narcissists are covert. Most of them are not openly abusive. They are handy at creating fake masks and mimic what victim wants - during Honeymoon phase - only to engage in discard phase when it is too late to act.
3) Romantic relationships are not the only contact that we have with real world.
There are narcissists at job, in neighborhood, when we chase papers, among our so called acquaintances
---
"good quote but thats a lot easier said than done,"
Cut me some slack.
If I put ALL quotes - you tube comment algorithm would not allow it. I do get banned by you tube when I write too much.
So the matrix does not allow us to remove veil over our eyes. The matrix keeps us with our filters on, in a Plato cave, unable to see true reality.
On topic, this quote about hatred - is the core issue of social anxiety.
For someone who has not studied psychology concepts - it will not mean too much. But it is like in Wizard of Oz scene where Tot is pulling the curtain and shows Dorothy and her friends who is actually Oz.
Dorothy also in the book didn't believe at first that what was revealed. Oz appeared so mighty and powerful - that it seems impossible that one puny quote is behind its visuals that frighten us.
---
I am reading a comment related to this topic comment thread, it is called "How To Release The Anger | Rage Trapped in Your Body | Effects Of Suppress Anger by Dr. Gabor Maté"
and a person called erikbowden said, and I quote him:
"I am a fan of Dr.Gabor Mate's book The Myth of Normal, but I think he's missing an important point here (maybe it's just the editing), possibly because he lacks perspective from being a cis male in a position of authority and privilege in a patriarchal society. The power imbalances that exist between children and adults is very real and a rational reason to suppress anger, yes. AND, there are just as real power imbalances between adults that cut one off from releasing anger too, such as someone knowing they can be badly hurt by another person's size, strength, political power, wealth, uncontrolled anger, retaliation, privileges, character assassination, etc. This keeps adults from just releasing their anger willy nilly, and from setting certain boundaries that are going to cause blowback, because they know they're in a vulnerable power position relative to that person. There's nothing to be ashamed of in this. If you suppress your anger as an adult towards someone who really can hurt you, you are not to blame. You are being smart. It's the very old, toxic, and unfair social systems that created and sustain these power imbalances. Validate that your child was wise AND that you are being wise as an adult, too, when it is not worth the retaliation or risk to your security. For example, imagine if she had punched him in the face like Gabor said she might feel an urge to do if she was in a "healed" relationship with her anger. The podcast guy could have sent her to the hospital, sued her, ruined her career, etc. Laughing then seems like a pretty darn smart idea to me. Being a woman in a workplace is a very challenging tightrope of being strong but not too strong, being smart but not too smart, etc. so that emotionally immature men's egos and anger responses aren't flared. (I repeat: Not all men, just those who haven't emotionally matured, often by no fault of their own, but that's a different rant.) It requires incredible social skills and labour, on top of whatever the woman's paid job is. This deserves a metal of honor, and proper compensation, not a shame lecture that you're "doing it wrong". I agree with most of what Dr.Mate professes, but, sorry, this one just doesn't sit well with me. (p.s. Excuse the binary cis-gendered language I'm using for simplicity. All bodies and authentic genders are beautiful and equally valid.)"
and then person called genevievedolan1288 answered:
"Totally agree. I think that was a bit of a flippant answer on Gabor maté’s part. But to cut him some slack, he is usually very precise and careful in his statements. I do appreciate his point that generally as adults we can stand up for ourselves in more situations than we can as children, and we can learn how to do it without falling back into the helplessness of a small child. But it is by no means easy to be assertive for many people in many situations, and it is a bit insulting to infer that you should be doing it better by now. But I don’t think he meant that, really. I think he was condescending to her a bit, though. And I have seen him be that way before, although he generally seems kind and respectful of people, to be fair. But that response made me angry, smacks of a typical (usually, but not always) male answer to a woman on how to brush off a pestering male, as if it is a trivial thing, easily handled with a swift kick or punch!!! Something a grown woman should know how to handle!! Sometimes that may well be true, sometimes there could be very bad consequences. "
---
Your comment and erik one, is something I have read at Twitter about Coercive control concept.
And in fact - just as Gabor Mate is oblivious to is - so is you -
You said:
"And learning skills to cope "
That is common myth with social anxiety.
Socially anxious people already do have social skills.
They do not need to learn anything.
Socially anxious (truly socially anxious - those who do not speak, we have army of narcissists and borderliners who mimic social anxiety but have no problem to talk to strangers and hence abuse them) -
is that socially anxious are empaths - which means they can overcome egocentrism and put themselves into other people shoes.
This ability is totally unknown to 80 percent of society and it is a social skill. Some people actually pay a lot of money to grasp and to understand it and apply it in their life - since it is difficult for them to learn how to listen to other people without throwing quick bias prejudgments and hyper-cognitions on other people.
Socially anxious people are traumatized. What appears as lack of social skills to CBT is nothing else but trauma- freeze fawn response. There are no skills to learn - since the brain is being hijacked by unresolved unprocessed trauma.
That is what I learned from your comment and from erik comment on this thread - this was missing link, missing puzzle piece that was out of my awareness:
and it is complex to explain:
Socially anxious people are not abnormal, there is no lack of skills or lack of anything.
Actually - social anxiety responses such as panic and avoidance - are learned adapted responses to toxic ambient.
If someone reacts in panic - it is clue that there was some kind of violence in the past -AND in the present too. Trauma is being re-enforced.
Nobody would keep on being panicked after years of being safe.
So what socially anxious need - instead of learning some CBT magical fantasy skills of social confidence - is validation and acceptance of their own reactions - with panic and trauma and avoidance and fears along in the package of validation and acceptance.
It is about realizing that toxic ambient is forcing these lack of "social skills" and lack of "assertiveness" and "confidence".
Toxic ambient is somehow punishing socially anxious whenever they express their truth, honesty, observations and opinions.
So the problem is not lack of social skills as CBT ableist therapy tries to explain and brainwash traumatized abused people.
CBT ought to be banned.
IT is doing incredible damage to traumatized and neurodivergents.
---
13.7.2023
"a more Carl Jungian perspective, as he talked about going into the shadow? "
Yep.
In self help books we will be explained that Carl Jung shadow means accepting our "dark" side - and dark side is explained away as being rude, criminal, aggressive, macho toxic etc.
Nope. That is not Dark shadow concept.
When someone is psychopathic - this has nothing to do with psychology - evil person is evil and no amount of pity or hiding behind diagnosis can make criminal not being criminal. As we see in BBC scandal - where rapist is not being presented as depressed person whom we must pity. So his threats and violence is suddenly all forgotten - since he is a poor depressed soul all of the sudden.
Dark shadow acceptance - does not mean accepting our violence and being rude to others.
Dark shadow integration - is accepting our errors, mistakes, what we label as weak, what we see as not valid, as others label as sissy and something that other mock us for not being perfect in some areas - these things must be accepted, those shameful parts are our Dark shadow.
So in the perspective of social anxiety - dark shadow would be our embarrassment and panic, and not speaking out when we should stand up for ourselves. Our flaws and inability to confront bullies and unreasonable people - but we stay frozen in panic amygdala hijacking reaction. That needs to be accepted.
Most therapist will tell us to suppress that, that we must be "strong" and that we must "learn social skills" - and hence hide away our dark shadow from our awareness.
When we hide it away, our unconsciousness will guide us.
What we resist - persists.
The truth is that our social anxiety trauma fears - are totally normal and natural reaction to sick ambient and abnormal people around us. There is nothing to fix. Other people are problem.
In some way - we would be punished for being social and confident and assertive. Then our natural reactions are natural reactions to abnormal psychopaths around us, who are in place of authority to punish us - such as losing our jobs or backstabbing us.
---
"when I am in a grp"
There had to be some trauma in the past - we did not learn to block our natural expressions - we were forced to block it by some series of shaming events which hypnotize us into social anxiety responses.
Also -
since these kind of trauma fears did not dissipate on their own over time - it is indicative that we still are in toxic ambient where people around us do not like truth, and problem lies in the ambient around us which is toxic - probably it is emotionally unavailable ambient which mimics being social, through Jordan Peterson type of advice "be strong" "don't be weak" - and then this ends up as any person who speaks the uncomfortable truth to be scapegoated, shunned away, labeled as over sensitive, ashamed away from others, put down.
---
Yep.
Trauma is explained to us by CBT as our fault, something that we must be ashamed about and not talk about it - and instead we must be "strong" and not to be "weak".
In reality-
trauma is simply a reaction to profoundly sick society (said by Gabor Mate).
At some point - when we expressed ourselves, when we talked what is abnormal, when we made focus and awareness about certain issue - there were some people in some kind of power over us - where they shut us down - by mocking, abuse, violence, verbally - and we learned to defend ourselves by not speaking up, by censoring ourselves and avoiding people and life. And we are explained now by CBT that this avoidance is sickness and that we simply must be active in life. This way CBT is re-traumatizing us by not validating our position where we were harmed and hurt for being honest and expressing ourselves.
Chances are - that we are still in toxic ambient where we are not allowed to speak truth, we are not allowed to be honest and to express ourselves. That is trauma. Inability to freely and fully express ourselves due to toxic people around us.
So instead of talking about issues and perspective - we will tend to either shut up and self censor ourselves (freeze response) or we will fawn- or some people may go into fight response (being Karen and being hysterical about unrelated things to unrelated people).
So instead of explanation that we express ourselves and speak out our truth and address predators and toxic people - and eventually move away from them when we have money and power to do so - we are being explained that we are "weak" - which only adds up to already present toxic shame internalized inside us.
--
YT "What is Self Regulation in people with ADHD?"
We won't be able to self regulate if there is toxic ambient or poor socio-economic issues.
These two important external factors are too often omitted by therapist.
Then what happens is that someone who is dysregulated will self blame oneself and self pathologize oneself due to inability to regulate - while it is not their fault for being dysregulated.
Toxic ambient may be exposure narcissistic abuse, alcoholic abuse, mobbing, unfavorable power dynamics, ableism, white entitlement and white and/or male heterosexual privilege - where abusive rapist person is believed in and even seen with compassion if their fabricated depression diagnosis is made public (as we have seen with Cosby, Weinstein appearing with crutches as court hearing, or BBC scandal today in July 2023) and in the same time victims of abuse are shunned away as sluts.
---
Emotional appeal-
this is what we see when high status rapist are apprehended - and then they present themselves as wounded and depressed - as we have seen in Cosby case, Weinstein or this newest scandal with BBC that is ongoing in July 2023. Where rapist is now presented in media as depressed person. Like - we must have sympathy for person who is rapist and violent because he has depression diagnosis. Well - that is his stuff to deal, it has nothing to do with criminal activity not being persecuted and holding accountable for crimes he has committed. Depression is suppose to make us feel sorry and relieve him from his crime, to walk away freely. All psychopaths will play on this emotional appeal card - and honest people will end up being duped.
When Prince Harry talked openly about abuse - he was mocked by the same media. His depression was laughed as being weak and over sensitive , someone who complains all the time. While in the same time - criminals play on depression card to be set free. We live in toxic society which believes that being rude and aggressive is a sign of competence, and males who are open and honest are perceived as weak and abnormal.
---
YT "Step Outside Your Comfort Zone I Robert Greene"
In social anxiety - Jordan Peterson and internet stoics will explain outside comfort zone as facing fears. Which does not work due to trauma - fears are actually trauma - so exposure to "fears" will end up as implosion with carbon fibre under deep pressure.
Whereas outside comfort zone, as Robert Greene explains in this video - is to expose oneself to other ideas - ideas that are not stemming from toxic ambient where socially anxious are trapped inside.
---
They are:
Arrested in development.
And they attract abused traumatized empaths which part of personality are arrested in development. Parts which narcissist will offer as magical solution to unaware and un-educated traumatized person.
---
What we know from Tina Turner story - when she stopped allowing Ike to treat you unfairly, her home was vandalized and shot at with gun. Femicide happens when narcissists is stopped from unfair treatment.
We really need to look at bigger picture when we talk about boundaries, being assertive, placing limitations.
In corrupt poor state - when we confront psychopaths with truth - we will get fired and may become homeless in the process of not allowing other treating us unfairly. Reality is often not so black and white as media or movies present it. Too often survivors of abuse are accused of not doing more - where they could not stop unfair treatment due to toxic society which does not prosecute narcissists nor it has any mechanism to remove narcissists from social life.
Instead - victims of narcissistic abuse become socially anxious and reclusive and isolated due to toxic society and toxic rules and toxic laws.
Narcissism can be easily detected via brain scan with today's technology. So psychopaths cannot even lie on written psychological tests - they can easily be extradited from society.
---
"I don’t know what trauma has caused me to be so insecure and not confident or anxious. And how do you even go about changing that"
That is the purpose of trauma - it keeps us away from truth and keeps us on automatic pilot, under the veil, where we experience life through filter and avoidance of processing pain or any kind of uncomfortable stimuli.
We can easily start with - what we notice as problem.
We did not get social anxiety problems by chance. As CBT claims it. Social anxiety trauma issues are learned, they are programmed, they came and stem from toxic ambient during our childhood. ACoA and dysfunctional families.
That is where we need to turn to.
You said in your original post:
" people can’t understand me when I speak"
This is called Selective Mutism..
So somewhere in childhood and later on - we were around people who blocked us from talking, who talked over us - and now we have issues of talking clearly. That is trauma - not being listened to, and instead being ordered what to think while we are shut down and censored. Trauma healing would be - talking and talking. Writing a blog. Expressing ourselves.
Trauma is always connected with inability to express ourselves in any kind of way. We are being shut down, shut up and censored by toxic ambient which is emotionally unavailable, closed, conservative, secretive and rigid.
Our thoughts opinions, perspectives - will trigger narcissistic psychopaths - who are damaged and wear false mask. Our thoughts and ideas chip off this fake mask of theirs - and they react by making us shut up - in any way possible - it can be overt abuse, it can be passive aggressive abuse.
And irony is when we start to ask for help - CBT will join into narcissistic abuse - and explain us that we are weak and abnormal, that we lack some kind of social skills and that we must learn how to be social - while we already have all of these - we are simply traumatized into anxiety and low confidence -since toxic people do not like our truth and honesty nor our expression of our ideas - so they block us at the start.
---
" It takes TWO toTANGO!"
This is common myth in narcissistic abuse. It appears as if we there are two to tango. There aren't. There is Coercive control, and this means there is perpetrator, there is only one person who is tyrannical and abusive. Someone who is pathological liar and who twists facts and words to fit into their delusional world filled with lies and secrecy and domination and control.
It is the same as Russia invading Republic of Georgia, or Chechenia in 1994 or Ukraine in 2022. It is not that these countries attacked Putin. Putin attacked them. There is no two to tango, there is abuse and war atrocity.
---
YT "Are Fearful-Avoidants Doomed To Have Dysfunctional Relationships?"
I would replace wording "learning skills" with skinning onion layers and getting back to our core self.
There is a difference in wording because learning skills imply that we are abnormal and sick and incompetent and mentally insufficient to handle life - that only breeds toxic shame (deep core belief we are inept to handle life) - as oppose to knowing that inside we already have all the skills - they are buried and suppressed and repressed and denied and shunned away from our awareness - we simply need to remember who we are as innocent children - who would be if they were not subjected and exposed to alcoholic abuse dysfunction in childhood.
---
"I was called a narcissist because I was trying to help my friend realize that their parent was part of the issue and what kept them from moving on into a healthier person. 😢 This made me sad."
This labeling someone narcissist - is usually done by narcissists themselves. They label anything that moves when their narc injury is created (triggered by truth, honest and authenticity).
There is a difference though -
when we label someone narcissist - this is done as an awareness, not to shut up someone or guilt trip them into manipulation and control. It is simply stating the objective truth and facts - where the other person is the one that needs to process data and choose what to do about it.
On the other hand, narcissists will shame others - for the sake of control and manipulation - label for them is a weapon. The goal is to create atmosphere of censorship and gaslighting and pathological lying where truth is not allowed, opinions are not allowed, different views and angles are not allowed - and that is done through witch hunt. Narcissists ultimate goal is not resolving situations nor negotiation - it is dominance and control.
Normal and healthy people see people as equal - where everyone is on the same level.
Narcissists on the other hand see reality as being entitled - and everyone else is slave that must succumb to its powers and grandiosity. The power and grandiosity is only sustained through abuse, attack, put downs, labels, stigma, hysteria and censorship. That is the difference.
This is what I noticed at social anxiety forum at reddit. It is filled with borderliners and narcissists who are very much talkative and express their opinions while claiming to have social anxiety - and on the other hand there are truly socially anxious posters who struggle with panic and fears. And what I noticed is that when I talked my opinion of validation and acceptance - I was attacked by predators and accused of being arrogant - the same way you were when you spoken the truth about what is happening.
So this attack is quite common.
IT can lead to trauma and social anxiety -
because empaths will use common sense and sixth sense to express their concerns - which may not have solid material proof all the time - and then narcissists who are wounded by truth since they have fake mask of superiority and grandiosity - will feel threatened a lot by our honesty and authenticity - and they will attack us and label us and stigmatize us and brainwash us and gaslight us - with their ultimate goal that we shut up.
In dysfunctional families - child who is spoken and emotionally responsive and emotionally responsible - will be scapegoated.
And that is happening here - you were scapegoated to shut up -
narcissists will use any weapon to make this censorship happen - even by using the label narcissists on others.
---
YT "You would do it too if you weren’t scared"
I like your messages. I put them on social media, it is really profound and relatable to anyone with social anxiety issues.
People pleasing is fawning, it is mechanism which we learned worked best in toxic ambient. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It was the best response to abnormal people and abnormal events around us. When I say the best - it was the most intelligent, it was survivable, it was the most peaceful, the most functional thing and the most rational thing to do.
It was reaction to really abnormal and profoundly sick people around us who were in some sort of power over us.
---
(14.7.2023)
"I think bullying is the main reason😭💔"
Toxic people. Narcissistic abuse.
And it starts in dysfunctional home, where we are taught to be perfect and without mistakes and that our opinion does not matter and that we must be calm and fix other people issues.
With such mindset - we will attract bullies who will exploit our crooked programming and hypnosis that we were under as kids - and now it became our default setting: fawning.
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"You get into your shadow when you are stressed, anxious, angry, or depressed etc and constant early childhood “trauma” can actually alter your “ego"
For some unknown reason I did not get this reply in notification alert icon.
From my experience -
I noticed that social anxiety that appears as stressed, anxious, angry, depressed - it all stems from toxic person who is causing it.
These feelings and emotions don't come on its own.
There is always some kind of trigger.
Now with education about narcissistic abuse - I learned that there are people who are emotionally manipulative in such extent that they "attack" other people without other people being aware of it - and then we end up blaming ourselves, for being "depressed" and stressed. These are:
1) borderliners - these people depend on other people, that they need other people to confirm their delusions. This ends up as constant drama and non stop hysteria. Borderliners have limited and focused empathy which appears to the target of their abuse as friendship and connection - so you stay stuck with them and you form connection with them without realizing that these people are difficult and manipulative and extremely controlling.
2) narcissists - these are divided in 2 types.
Covert ones - are similar to borderliners, however they don't want connection. These are more focused on perfectionism and nagging and complaining - as much as borderliners, but there is no empathy nor emotional availability.
Other type is overt narcissists - these are aggressive and to society - them being loud and rude is mis-interpreted as being competent and confident - so they will be popular and come out as leaders unfortunately - since many people will be afraid of confronting them due to their temper tantrums.
Both narcissists and borderliners have delusional snapshot of reality - which they try to force others to comply through manipulation and control. Mostly through Coercive control - and this means we won't notice it - and instead - we will self blame ourselves and think we are socially anxious - while in fact - we are dealing with manipulators, predators.
For me personally - borderliners were the cause of my spikes in social anxiety - and I never knew it was them that they are causing it - since they appear friendly and nice at certain moments.
When we are open and friendly and empathic - we let all people in, and then we let our boundaries down - and then predators can hurt us easily. They collect data from us - which they use later on to hurt us and control us -
they will nitpick our small errors and mistakes and make huge ongoing drama about it - because they want life to be perfect as snapshot in their head (Vaknin).
Narcissists are delusional, we are talking here about half-realized schizophrenia which is not diagnosed nor treated - and this sickness is causing us to feel anxiety and stress when we are in contact with such people who are deeply sick and never seek therapy. Then we end up in therapy - but not the true cause of anxiety: toxic people.
---
YT "If you don’t respect your own boundaries, no one else will. #boundaries #codependency
"
There is unspoken truth when we are talking about boundaries.
This idea of setting boundaries almost always turns into victim blaming and victim shaming and presuming that abused person has victim mentality for not setting "boundaries".
In real life - we cannot always leave abusers.
Due to money. Due to third party (kids, elders to take care of). Due to bureaucracy (papers, bills, properties, visa, passports, documents). These are three main reasons why we can't always leave - and there are plethora of other reasons too.
Second myth about boundaries is this fantasy CBT idea that magically we can be honest about what I want and what I need.
In real life however - the person on the other side is in some kind of unfavorable power dynamics - where we cannot be authentic and honest UNLESS we suffer some kind of punishment and consequences. There are femicide statistics as an extreme example of this. Others examples are homophobia - hatred towards anything which is different, so stigma is there too. I am talking here about white heterosexual privilege and entitlement. In such toxic ambient - victim or better word would be target of coercive control is unable to defend oneself against the assault - unless receiving more and more punishment which is more serious than the initial one.
Third myth is this CBT magical idea that we must respect our boundaries in order to be safe. This CBT DSM crap delusion - is based on romantic movies not real life.
In real life - we take care of ourselves when we rely on our normal healthy responses to abuse and trauma and mobbing - and these responses do have lack of boundaries - which CBT will pathologize as cognitive distortion and victim mentality and lack of being "strong". CBT ought to be banned, it is doing incredible psychological damage to all people.
In the end - abused person is not the problem
The one and only problem are entitled, psychopaths, narcissists and manipulators of all types who will privilege and get privilege from toxic society to keep on abusing without being in jail instead.
---
"What's awakened???"
Realizing we don't see reality - instead we have veil over our eyes which is distorting our view of reality. Filter. Filter are explanations by toxic society about norms and what is acceptable -
for example when we see someone loud and aggressive - we automatically presume this person is both competent and confident - while in true reality such person is extremely inept and deeply insecure, narcissistic. They simply learned to put on an act to pretend to be superior and strong -
and then such people end up being presidents, bosses, romantic partners, friends, and we end up being stuck with mentally ill psychopath - and plethora of social anxiety and depression symptoms - for which we think we are to blame and that there is something wrong with us all the time.
And as result we start to dis-believe ourselves and we turn to be totally depended on mentally ill psychopaths predators who present themselves as magical solution to anything in their grandiosity.
---
YT "Responding to Unsupportive People as I Heal My Traumas"
Dissociation is rigid - builds a fake self - and then any truth, reality, objectivity, any fact - will shatter this rigid mask - and as a result there could be explosions and implosions happening. This is what is happening in abusive people. Their ego is so unsecure inside, yet they present perfect façade mask to outer world to impress others. Yet - any opposition, feedback and criticism causing them to feel narcissistic injury and narcissistic collapse. And then as a result - they traumatized other people around them - as a technique to keep their rigid mask intact.
And then everyone else ends in therapy - but not the narcissists and their delusions.
Toxic society will perceive their yelling and screaming and hysteria as macho strong confidence - and competence -
and even will reward aggressive people with positions in authority. Such as voting for Putins and Balkan criminals for leaders, since they appear so strong and hence appear protective. While in reality - they bring corruption and crime and misery to everyone while they parasite around.
--
" so I could share my true thoughts and opinions freely, unafraid of judgement."
This is the central problem right here.
Those who fawn are in toxic ambient where they are punished for sharing true thoughts.
The ambient is corrupt.
Ethically and morally high person will notice errors and express them, shyly without offending others.
Then the psychopaths who are corrupt will crush any kind of criticism and feedback -
while the person who is honest will not know what is happening - honest person was simply honest - and they were assaulted by others.
How assault looks like?
Predators will tell us that we are over-sensitive. They will mock how we look or what we wear, how are we dressed (ad hominems) and make drama about it. They will raise temper tantrums over smallest details - to keep us shut up in the future about larger things. They will nitpick our errors and present them as causing hurt and pain to others (this narcissistic method is weaponizing our empathy against ourselves). All these are Coercive Control.
And it is pretty unfair - that we explain this methods as our fault, that we are people pleasers, and then scapegoat our people pleasing.
People pleasing is simply adaptive response to utterly sick and abnormal and corrupt people around us who are in some sort of authority and unfavorable power dynamics.
Then - as result, we will end up with feelings that are nothing else but social anxiety.
Social anxiety really stems from narcissistic abuse exposure. People pleasing is symptom here, not the cause, nor the problem.
Resolving our "people pleasing" will create drama, conflict, us being fired, hurt and punished.
Yes - you are correct when you speak about intrinsic locus of control (that we do not depend on approval of other people). HOWEVER -
there are two concepts which are found in real life.
1) Big 5 Personality trait - if we are agreeable as personality trait persona - we won't be able to switch off and be less agreeable. This is our persona, it is even in our genes. So if we try to move pendulum in other direction - it will eventually sling shot to even more fawning as result of our nitpicking in our personality.
2) Interdependence. Any healthy contact with other people is done through sharing and connecting. If we are avoidant and closed and isolated - as response to trauma and being independent - we won't be interdependent.
Interdependence is healthy, that is goal of any mental health therapy. When we dissociate from other people - we are not interdepenent.
---
(filmboards)
The way how cult and manipulative people work - is that they use bias called "Emotional appeal".
So they will tell us that we are coward if we do not do as they order us.
This works really effectively , surprisingly, with males - someone who are programmed not to show emotions or talk about them.
You simply tell a Chad that pink is gay color - and they will never wear it at all in their lifetime. This way you can program someone, hypnotize them - by using their fears and insecurities, and areas which they are afraid to be vulnerable.
This means in most people - we are programmed to be "strong". Even ableist CBT therapy will claim this crap about being strong -
and this way society is programming us and hypnotizing us to do as we are being told.
So this emotional appeal is often used as brainwashing technique in commercials and in politics.
When we are insecure about our place in the world - we will do anything to prove our worth - and then toxic people can easily control and manipulate us - by calling us over-sensitive when we notice narcissistic BS in them.
When they see us as slaves - they will make us work for them - by targeting our errors and mistakes and making drama and hysteria about what we did wrong - that is manipulation and control, they are not interested in our well being at all.
---
Currently I am in a state of isolation and I use this time to learn as much as I can about narcissism, as a way to be educated to learn red flags and limit my time and exposure to toxic people.
Problem is with CBT - which is instructing socially anxious to expose and that toxic people do not exist, and that we can change our thoughts to end abusiveness. CBT does not recognize term Coercive control and instructs socially anxious to develop codependency through being "assertive".
I am basically un-learning 20 years of CBT giving me false explanations and false interpretations which made me attract a lot of toxic people - and I believed this was the way to heal social anxiety - by exposing myself to anything and everyone. Exposure does not work when we are traumatized. Exposure then is like carbon fibre in deep pressure ambient - it will cause implosion.
---
"People have told me that I seem happier or more confident or I'm easier to get along with now"
What people exactly told you this?
Your parents?
Siblings?
Friends?
Most certainly your life partner won't tell you this.
Colleagues will not tell you that.
Customers will not tell you that you brush them off. They will get offended.
Random commentators - will not be so understanding and open as I am - they will attack you and use Ad Hominems.
Hell, they won't even listen to you at all.
Most people are like that .
They don't really like other people. They force themselves to talk with others in order to get certain hidden agenda behind it - some goal. But they are not really interested in other people - they lack general empathy and psychological concepts such as overcoming egocentrism.
So in real life - people will actually hate you for being honest, real and objective.
I think you are confusing - and this is quite common confusion - confidence with agreeableness.
You mix up being kind with being weak.
You can still do things for people and think of their well being - and actually state what is wrong and tell them no.
When we are in any kind of contact with other people - there are certain unspoken rules - such as that you do not smell bed, that you do not fart or burp, that you do not throw up on them or around them, that you do not spit on them, that you do not slap them whenever they give you any kind of feedback.
On some level - these basic human cultural and common sense unspoken gestures are people pleasing and fawning and being pushover.
In our natural state - when we are totally independent on other people opinions- we would be like Diogenes :
"He even rejected normal ideas about human decency. Diogenes is said to have eaten in the marketplace, urinated on some people who insulted him, defecated in the theatre, and masturbated in public, and pointed at people with his middle finger, which was considered insulting."
So basically every time when you smile to someone even when you do not feel like it - you are (still/always) people pleaser.
That is why I think you mix up people pleasing with toxic masculinity explanations - which Musk and Jordan Peterson and internet alfa males gurus are promoting - which are nothing but fantasy and filled with bias and prejudices.
" If humans are creatures of habit, are these our learned responses that identify our personality"
I personally believe - that this is exactly the reason why we are on Earth.
It is that we show our true face, our true core being - who we are at various stages of our lives in various situations.
Being kind civilized human being can be masked.
This is connected with Zoroastrianism which is the oldest religion in the world from which 3 main religions sprung. (The oldest one is Hinduism - but it did not influence the West nor Middle East).
In Zoroastrianism - the basic message is that we are good - and that at the end of our life - before we go into the next dimension we will be on trial where we will be tested who we really are inside.
In Zoroastrianism, the bad evil can hide and mask behind the good.
I see connection here with our personality.
For men - we are programmed and instructed by toxic society to put on fake mask of being strong and we are being explained as children that being weak and vulnerable is shameful and abnormal.
This kind of programming is leading to mental illness, it is unhealthy - and it is a perfect ground for evil and anything bad in psyche to fester and multiply.
One of such evil is to "fix" our personality - as you wrote in your comment - and that we become "superior" and "strong" - and that we basically hide and suppress our true persona deep down.
This way if we are bad and evil person - this can be suppressed too - and this is highly dangerous.
When we suppress things - they come out to surface - in ugly ways later in life.
That is why I would never support Jordan Peterson and Mush and alfa male internet stoics - since they instruct us to develop mental illness and to split off our personality - to create multiple personalities - those we approve, and those we suppress and hide away -
only to end up with social anxiety in the process of becoming "superior" and "strong".
---
Continued.
I believe that our brain is working fine. We do not need to adjust it in order to become masculine, Chad, superior, strong.
When we exhibit symptoms of anxiety in social settings, when we appear weak and frightened, when we are in panic and when we feel anything but strong -
all these are natural responses of our brain to abnormal people and abnormal events which mask themselves to be strong - by putting other people down and by scaring other people.
The only mistake is when we believe into someone explanations about us being weak.
That is manipulation, that is Coercive control, that is called Emotional Appeal - and that is how people control us and manipulate us.
They tell us we are over-sensitive when we warn someone being rude.
They tell us we are sissy when we are concerned about others whom they target in abuse campaign. That is how they shut us up and make us doubt our reality and our core being.
We were raised in such ambient while growing up - we were in toxic ambient of ACoA dysfunction - where are natural responses were mocked and punished and ashamed -
and now we have social anxiety issues- not because we are weak - but because we were programmed to distrust our basic personality and we were instructed to mask our feelings and emotions - in order to be strong and useful in unfavorable power dyanmics.
With such programming - we will continue to attract the same narcissists in our adult life.
We won't take any risks which are aligned with our true spirit - and hence life with no abusers around.
Instead - we will align with programming that we must not be weak no vulnerable - and that we must be strong and perfect , without errors and without mistakes and without flaws , hence strong. Then we will make plethora of decisions which will make us trapped in toxic ambient with toxic people and toxic habits and toxic decisions in life.
So when we acted as "pushovers" and "people pleasers" - that was the smartest and the most intelligent technique to handle toxic people who are capable of punishing us - if we weren't obeying to them.
Instead of nitpicking and fixing and blaming ourselves for being people pleaser - I would instead focus on our intrinsic locus of control - where we follow our common sense and our true self - instead of rigid programmed set of shoulds.
So the first step would be validation and acceptance of ourselves as we are and not being ashamed of being vulnerable, wrong, mistaken and errored.
I believe when we no longer chase superficial approval of other people, their emotional appeal bias , and when we are no longer preoccupied with being superior, strong, without errors - we will naturally abandon toxic people and toxic ambient.
When someone uses labels as "people pleaser" on us - this person is controlling us and trying to control/manipulate us. This person who is doing that is toxic and narcissistic, probably untreated mentally ill person - and instead of being preoccupied with pleasing their views and opinions - we really need to break contact with such person, as much as we are capable to break it, if we have money - cut them off completely from our lives, so that they do not control nor manipulate us anymore.
It is un-ethical and morally wrong to tell someone who they are and what they must do in their life.
When we are brought up in ACoA dysfunction - we will be programmed to have doubts in our own capabilities, in our brain, in our capacities - and then other people will easily manipulate us and control us - through emotional appeal and Ad hominems and personal criticism which is really none of their business to meddle in the first place.
Normal healthy people who were not raised in Acoa Dysfuncitonal naturally have this ability to trust their own brain and reactions and decisions in life - so toxic people cannot control them easily, they are not insecure about who they are as person - so they do not feel like they need to prove or defend their actions, beliefs, decisions.
With ACoA we will be ashamed about who we are - and we will try to cover up our mistakes errors and flaws - and we will try to appear strong. This will not make us strong at all - we will simply be easily manipulated and controlled by toxic people in life.
---
(15.7.2023)
" Learning that you can stick up for yourself in spite of what rejection or adverse reaction my come of it"
11 month later and I have new insights in social anxiety which support my original claims.
Social anxiety is not problem with avoidance or running away. The idea that we avoid or run away stem from inferiority complex and toxic shame which stems from ACoA - exposure to dysfunctional ambient in childhood, where we have learned to take responsibility to other people moods, anger and problems and we feel responsible when other people are demanding something and place blame on us - we believe them. We were exposed to relentless criticism while growing up and now we are stuck with fear of criticism and negative evaluation - since our psyche was imprinted with this kind of fear - which is actually trauma: unprocessed series of shocking and unfair actions against our common sense.
Now here is the complex part:
social anxiety trauma comes with inability to trust our brain, our natural reactions.
So CBT instead of validating and accepting our reactions - joins into hysteria of narcissistic abuse and explain us that our believe have "cognitive distortions" and that our job is "to change our beliefs" and that we must "stick up for ourselves", to be assertive and strong.
That is psychological damage -
that is narcissistic abuse itself.
When we avoid or fawn - we are doing totally natural and normal reactions to abnormal people and abnormal events. There is nothing wrong with it.
This is not weakness as CBT explains it.
In fact - judging and blaming ourselves for abuse is called victim blaming and victim shaming.
When someone is abusing us - the problem is in the abuser - not in us, nor in our reactions. Abuser is the evil one.
Narcissistic abuse is at the heart of social anxiety. When we learn about narcissistic abuse - we can learn certain concepts which CBT is blocking from our awareness -
such as Coercive control.
Abusers (toxic people, narcissists, borderliners, psyhopaths) will use plethora of weapons and mechanisms to abuse the target.
One of such method technique is Emotional Appeal - and that means using emotions to blackmail someone into manipulation and control.
So abuser will nitpick our mistakes and errors and flaws - to change our actions in the favor of abuser.
In real life - that means censoring and shutting us up - by mocking us ( by using Ad hominems arguments) and by labeling our words, opinions and perspectives as being "over-sensitive". Then we shut up and conform to someone's ideology and dogma.
CBT's idea that we change our belief is gaslighting, it is brainwashing - it is highly morally and ethically wrong. Fallacy of control tells us that we cannot control other people.
When we discipline or make someone do something out of fear of punishment - we will create atmosphere of grudge - and as Piaget discovered in children - punishment renders free will useless - and children will come up with lying and cheating as a way to cope with punishments and discipline - which means additional issues which are covert and out of our awareness.
CBT is doing incredible psychological damage when is labels social anxiety as an issue with cognitive distortions, being weak or making it an issue of will.
The correct approach instead of CBT is Humanistic psychology - which states that the patient already knows what is the best solution to any problem in life - the patient only needs encouragement and validation and acceptance. Not punishment , nor invalidation, or brainwashing as CBT is providing it.
If we are not serial killers, if we do not have anti-social hidden agenda to harm or hurt anyone - there is nothing distorted inside us that requires self doubt or complex cognitive surgeries as CBT tries us to believe in.
CBT is based on narcissism and it is tool for narcissists to become functional narcissists. CBT ought to be banned.
---
Continued.
" Because it’s puts you at the mercy of an external uncontrollable event"
yes.
That is it,
that is exactly the problem,
We are, There are external uncontrollable events.
And our desire to control the uncontrollable is causing anxiety and it keeps it ongoing, it give motor to keep us in hypervigilance and PureOCD worries.
We cannot control the world.
We cannot control other people.
When someone is evil - this person is choosing to be evil, we cannot prevent this. We cannot stop someone from having bad thoughts about harming other people. We do not have powers to prevent someone backstabbing us - we won't see it, we cannot protect ourselves from this evil.
That is fact of life - which we never learned in dysfunctional ambient while growing up.
Our psyche did not receive this information -
instead we were programmed and brainwashed to believe that we have some kind of magical powers to prevent evil people from being evil.
Now we try to be perfect and without mistakes - in order to prevent external uncontrollable events. Which is impossible,
check out concept called Fallacy of control.
"The Fallacy of Control is where you assume an inaccurate amount of control in a situation or in life. You either believe you can control everything or believe you can control nothing. When you believe you control everything, you are assuming responsibility for both the pain and happiness of everyone around you."
This is connected with politics too.
Right wing politicians and authoritarian narcissistic Stalins and Putins and Trumps are doing this - they are selling idea that they are saviours who can prevent evil and control the state.
Nope. They cannot control economy - they simply ride on the wave of economy - the wave is totally outside of their control - but they present themselves as they are wizards to the masses.
This is why they target minorities and punish them - since this gives illusion as if they are destroying "evil" and that somehow they are doing something. They simply lie and they are delusional and spread mass delusion to others. Instead of control - they suppress and deny parts of people - the same we are doing inside our mind when we deny and suppress parts of our personality - when we believe we are "strong" when we are not vulnerable and weak.
We actually believe that this way we are controlling external events.
You are mixing up terms of intrinsic locus of control.
Intrinsic locus of control does not mean that you change something inside you - and that magically this will change somehow other people. It won't.
Other people have their own free will and we cannot, it is morally and ethically wrong to control and manipulate other people through our acts of punishment on them. That punishment and control of other people is narcissistic abuse.
Narcissists live in a snapshot of reality (Vaknin) and then they punish other people when others deviate from this fantasy image.
What we can be at mercy is - that we are kind and nice people and that we create bonds with other people in interdependence - and if bad things happen which are outside of our control - that we learn from it, and change if we can change, not to blame ourselves or other people.
Desire that we are without mistakes is called perfectionism - and it stems from our dysfunctional desire to control other people and external events.
We learned this in AcoA dysfunctional ambient - as our parents learned in theirs - and this is how trauma passes on onto new generations: by believing that we can control external events by punishing parts of ourselves and disciplining ourselves.
There is a difference when we learn and modify and make decisions which are healthy and proper - from living in hypervigilance and desire to control other people and external events. This two concepts may appear as the same to us, but they are profoundly different.
Healing ACoA dysfunction trauma is in learning this difference -
between processing data by experiencing all and everything - VERSUS trying to not to experience pain and running away from pain by punishing ourselves and disciplining ourselves.
"We are healed from suffering only by experiencing it to the full" Marcel Proust
CBT is doing here incredible psychological damage - since it does not explain these complex and hard to grasp psychological concepts and instead it sets us up to develop mental illness - by suppressing emotions, denying anxiety and trying to build fake rigid narcissistic mask of superiority and grandiosity where we are some mythical magical super beings which are strong and fighting the uncontrollable external events with mighty powers of punishments and wars.
---
"stay strong💪🏼" "we’re fighting many battles" "we’ll be proud of ourselves" "not giving up"
This is exactly what I am talking about.
Social anxiety is perceived as weakness, something to destroy by being "strong".
Toxic society interprets social anxiety as something shameful, sissy, girly , non manly - something that we resolve by entering battles and wars.
Totally wrong interpretation and totally self destructible approach.
Social anxiety happens because we are in toxic ambient , surrounded by toxic people who are not allowing us to express ourselves - and they censor us by emotional appeal : that we must be strong and courageous. Toxic masculinity.
Both predators and toxic society sets us up to distrust our own brain and our reactions - and they manipulate and weaponize our insecurities (which stem from ACoA childhood) - that we build fake Jordan Peterson persona of grandiosity and narcissism - and then pass the trauma onto next generation when we suppress their issues and troubles in life.
---
(16.7.2023)
"on trying to convince me"
You miss the point.
This is not about convincing nor forcing anyone to believe into anything.
This is data, information which CBT and self help industry is hiding from us, and instead pumps us up with misdiagnosis and selling books and therapy for life - something which can be easily resolved with truth, facts and education.
Dr Snipes is one of the rare medical resources which are actually telling the truth and all facts - teaching us new concepts. She also does not make anyone to convince others.
After all it is your life, your choice.
If you learned to dissociate and live in a bubble and this feels comfortable for you - it is your choice, your decisions to live and keep on living in delusional world, make shift fantasy of explanations. And it is you who will live with the consequences of your own insanity (where definition of insanity is delusion).
When I write comments here - it is never for you exclusively. There are lookers and lurkers who are afraid to talk due to panic, social anxiety and they keep aside and say nothing - but read information our there. This is for them.
Narcissists and borderliners believe in their grand self delusions and no one can convince them into anything, anyway.
---
"supposed to accept social anxiety rather than work on it"
Good question.
There needs only to be education and understanding - that we give our brain enough of relevant data - and our brain will sort it out.
1) There is nothing to work out. Social anxiety is trauma. It is not fear. It is not weakness. It is not faulty self. It is not something to fix. Trauma require healing. Not nitpicking.
If we are not serial killers - if we are not anti-social abnormal monsters who plan hidden agenda to harm and cause pain to other people - there is nothing abnormal in us that needs fixing.
2) When we have social anxiety trauma issues - this goes along with deep ingrained toxic shame. Toxic shame is deep core belief we are inept, abnormal and unacceptable and we reject trust in our brain as our captain of our ship in life.
So any type of alcoholic Jordan Peterson "advice" adds up to this toxic shame. IT does not help. Check our Peter Levine quote below. Instead of advice and being told what we must do - we need validation and acceptance and building a trust into our own brain capabilities to handle and manage difficult complex issues in life.
3) Narcissism is the result of Jordan PEterson ideology and dogma that we must be strong. We cannot be strong. We are human beings. There will always be imperfections and errors and pain and hurt in life - this cannot be controlled by our beliefs and attempts to be strong. Paradox is when we accept ourselves with errors and imperfections - we will become strong, without any discipline or spending money or hoarding stuff or trying to impress others or any kind of over-compensation which alcoholics mentally ill people try to convince us into.
4) Anxiety is normal reaction to abnormal people and abnormal events in our life. Think of it a an alarm system that something is wrong. IT warns us that some areas need our focus and attention -
and in social anxiety it is our trauma which is stuck inside our body. When we encounter certain triggers - it means that trauma is inside us - and this is signal that we need to process and heal trauma - not that we must destroy the alarm system.
If we ignore trauma - it will not go away.
IT will fester . Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness. Most likely we will start to abuse other people - and then pass the trauma onto the next generation - or we will self destruct, implode due to pressure we cannot live through anymore due to trauma accumulated.
5) We did not get social anxiety by chance.
Social anxiety occurs in specific alcoholic and or dysfunctional ambient - where there is untreated mentally ill person like Jordan Peterson who is obsessed with ideas of perfectionism and hiding emotions and toxic masculinity - and then such person is projecting and transferring mental illness onto other people, usually children - to develop toxic shame through endless criticism and discipline.
During childhood - in order that our brain becomes "strong" and that can withstand social pressures in life and that it can fight for its rights in natural way - the brain needs ambient of validation and acceptance and love. Instead of that - we were in ambient where we were constantly screamed at, yelled at, warned and disciplined, where we were punished for expressing ourselves and where we learned to repress and suppress certain beliefs and opinions and emotions - and we continue to do this as adults, since this is what we learned how to handle other people when they are mean to us. That is how social anxiety is build - through exposure to alcoholic dysfunctional abuse.
So there is nothing to work and to create fake grand image of ourselves.
Instead it is about skinning off onion layers and getting to the bottom, to the core of who we are inside as true and authentic human being - without being afraid of someone criticism and nagging and complaining - which we are now afraid of due to exposure to untreated mentally ill people while growing up and their endless criticism towards us.
That is what anxiety tries to tell us -
that we are in toxic ambient, around toxic people - and that we lack healthy measures to trust in ourselves and to express ourselves without hiding and being ashamed of who we truly are.
Until we learn this lesson - anxiety and panic will come back to nudge us to learn and educate ourselves about trauma - so that we make better and healthier decisions in life - based on facts and processing emotions , rather than hiding them.
---
"The problem is though that women don’t like certain personalities (specifically weak and passive types), so for some people, being vulnerable isn’t a good look. If you are a naturally strong personality or you have a strong presence then yes, being vulnerable can be an asset. But if you’re not a Chad type of guy, then being vulnerable is just gonna make you seem weak. And if you want to attract women, you can’t seem weak."
"That’s what this whole thing is about. Are you worried that women won’t like you if you’re vulnerable? Wrong. Women won’t like you if you’re FALSE confident. The mask referred to in the video is your fake, incomplete self. Of course they don’t like that. You don’t, either. Your challenge is to… BE. Somehow. Find the thing to work on, and, as you get to know yourself, you’ll begin to accept and love yourself, which will lead to being genuine, and having genuine relationships."
Plus, his description of social anxiety is not finding a vagina. Basically, exploiting some girl for sex and when this is impossible - then these people feel "social anxiety". That is his only concern here.
That is why I say that social anxiety is exhibited on one side in narcissism who are causing social anxiety in other people through abuse. And on another side are victims and targets of narcissistic abuse.
Narcissists perceive other people as food, they are predators. They see other people as object to devour and then discard and move on to next narc supply.
---
There is nothing to improve at all. You are totally missing the point which Julien is talking here and other videos about social anxiety.
Instead of perfectionism and overcompensation and trying to build fake strong superior grand persona of narcissism - it is actually skinning off onion layers - and coming back to ourselves as we were before trauma and abuse. Being ourselves, naturally, honest and authentic self - which is now masked with layers of people pleasing and perfectionism fake traits.
---
The desire to improve yourself stems from toxic shame - that you hate yourself as you are and you want to be superior grand version of yourself. That will never happen - since all people are flawed and filled with errors.
Paradox is when and once we accept and validate ourselves as we are - paradoxically we will become both strong and confident.
So when we believe we must improve ourselves - we will perpetuate trauma abuse wound inside us - and other people will easily manipulate and control us - since this is our Achilles foot. They will criticize certain areas of us, and we will obey them or waste energy in fighting them. Instead of simply dismissing them as time wasters, we will depend on other people to approve us.
---
17.7.2023
"Can’t blame your parents"
It is not about the blame at all.
Only a narcissists would presume it is about blaming others, since this is your default defense mechanism - you see anything unknown and your brain works only how to kill it or conquer it.
For normal people, knowing all information resolves uncertainty. And normal people do not go around and point fingers at others.
Unlike narcissists, victims of narcissistic abuse will always self blame and self pathologize themselves when there is something unknown or painful to process. As they were programmed to do so in ACoA dysfunction.
The correct information and objective truth resolves this uncertainty and self blame.
"Information is the resolution of uncertainty"
Claude Shannon
---
" It’s because your irrational beliefs are keeping it alive"
This CBT myth is adding up to toxic shame.
Targets of abuse have toxic shame already present from dysfunctional childhood (due to exposure to relentless criticism 24/7). So any idea that our brain if abnormal and faulty and needs fixing - does not help at all - and instead it has devastating effect on our self worth. We will simply end up with deep core belief that we are inept for having so called "irrational beliefs".
In reality - these irrational beliefs were early Defense mechanisms which were the only way to keep our head above the water - in early age when our psyche was forming and when it was suppose to receive validation and acceptance and love. Without developing defense mechanisms, we would probably end up with serious mental illness such as delusional paranoia or severe depression.
Also, I would not stigmatize anyone who had been in trauma. It is not respectful and it points fingers at the abused ones, while the abuser walks free.
---
" emotional strength to handle your personal life adversities"
You can't manage uncontrollable life adversities with your rituals. This is recipe for developing OCD, Responsibility OCD. Mental illness. Hyper responsibility.
You think you have so much power that can actually block and stop evil people from being evil and bad stuff from happening - if only you do certain actions to prevent is. This is road to anything else but well being.
--
YT "When the Villain has Social Anxiety | My Hero Academia the Movie: 2 Heroes ABRIDGED"
Social anxiety can appear in empaths but also in narcissists. Narcissists feel "social anxiety" and describe it sometimes as social anxiety in order to gain sympathy from others (virtue signaling). In reality, this anxiety is actually narcissistic collapse and narcissistic injury - and it happens when delusional person faces reality and facts which is extremely painful for narcissists who live in their own invented and fantasy imagined grandeur.
---
YT "How to Overcome Social Anxiety - @VIVACIOUSHONEY"
Fear of interrupting other people is social anxiety. It is called Hyper-responsibility and it stems from ACoA dysfunctional ambient while growing up.
--
" everybody has social anxiety"
Social anxiety is connected to responsibility: ethical and moral standards. It is our urge to not smell bad, it is also that we do not embarrass ourselves in public. Without it, we would be like Diogenes - yelling, pooping and masturbating in public without caring what other people think.
Overcoming social anxiety hence is wrong expression.
Becoming psychopath without empathy is not solution to anything.
---
"I was using mindfulness meditation for a few months every day and it was super helpful for social anxiety and GAD. I usually recommend the beginner book "30 Days to Reduce Anxiety" by Harper Daniels, it has simple and easy to follow exercises for that."
This is not solution. This is called Dissociation and it is part of Dysfunctional defense mechanisms which only fuels more anxiety. Trauma will simply be suppressed and denied from awareness - and it will come out as allergy, auto-immune disease, lupus, acne and it will build up as anger and hysteria (Charcot) eventually.
That is because anxiety stems from the social - hence the name social anxiety. Anxiety is triggered by toxic people, predators, narcissists. When we ignore them, they will exploit us, and we will become codependent on them.
Instead of CBT magical self help crap approach - true solution is feeling emotions and looking for objective truth what is wrong and then make decisions to remove ourselves from toxic people and talk openly about this problem so that someone in charge can punish the toxic person.
Like we see in BBC scandal from the last week where talking about abuser in normal and healthy country will end up as persecution of criminals.
---
YT "This is what happens when talk rude to your social anxiety #socialanxiety #anxiety #funny
"
Denial and suppression is not healthy response to anxiety. It will end up as allergy, auto-immune diseases, lupus, acne or hysteria (Charcot) eventually.
Social anxiety is uncomfortable but it stems from the social - hence the name social+anxiety. Toxic person is causing this anxiety and if we ignore it - predators will exploit us, we will fawn to them, we will develop codependency and deep core belief that there is something wrong with us, that we are damaged.
Instead of denial and suppression - we really need to process stimuli information and see what is really happening, objectively - from all angles and then make the best decision for our well being. Self blame will not help, self loathing will make problem to fester.
---
"I said get out I'm tired of you ruining my life🤬
"
You really need to say this to person who is actually causing this anxiety. Not to your alarm inner system which is detecting the problem in the first place, as it should be.
---
Social anxiety feelings are universal feelings for any kind of abuse, trauma, disorder and attack - it is side effect of any external abnormality pushing us down and suppressing us, all normal people will feel social anxiety as an effect to the pressure of any sort.
---
Humanistic psychology does all that which you attribute CBT for.
CBT is ableist therapy.
CBT is form of narcissistic abuse.
Therapy must not tell you what to do - otherwise that is coercive control and manipulation.
Hence CBT is used as a weapon to silence victims of abuse and crime in politics and corrupt ambient - as a technique to dismiss whistle blowers.
Since it is therapy of conformism and groupthink herd mentality,
CBT would agree with Hitler in Nazi Germany.
---
YT "Teaching middle school boys with ADHD about social anxiety in new social situations."
Err.. that is shyness.
Social anxiety happens when there is bullying, abuse, put downs... not when there is unknown meeting. Social anxiety by definition is traumatized fear of criticism and negative evaluation. Shyness is feeling fear of meeting someone in new situations.
---
Social anxiety is not narcissistic grandeur of playing in the band. That is narcissism, narcissistic injury that happens when other people criticize you and when you expect other people to be grand and perfect.
Social anxiety in reality is fear of criticism and negative evaluation THAT REALLY HAPPENS. It is not a mere narcissistic hallucination. It stems from REAL abuse, bullying and mobbing at work,
so narcissistic statement "Nobody really pay that much attention to you" is statement which narcissists would speak to their victims in order to patronize them, as all narcissists do it. You want to feel grand and one man-upship - and that other people are stupid and mentally incapacitated that they are not able to think with their brains and seeing with their eyes real toxic people out there.
For a white male heterosexual privileged male - egocentrism will prevent you seeing that some people do not have money to buy a guitar hence no false friends who like your money and influence and power to hang around you.
You do not speak about that,
instead you put victims of abuse that they are hallucinating their abuse. Please stop it. You are embarrassing yourself and I will do everything in my power to educated masses about your narcissistic abuse that you spread over internet.
You do not speak in this video - what happens when objective facts is abuse and trauma and bullying and mobbing?
"Next day they will forgotten about it"
Nope, psychopaths never forget.
---
I have no idea why ADHDers are not aware that CBT (simple dismissive explanation like in this video) is ableist therapy.
IT is the same as if you are a Jew and you live in pre 1945 Berlin - and you go to Nazi HQ to get information about human rights.
---
"And maybe all you're doing is buying bananas in supermarket"
What happens when we are at toxic job being yelled and screamed at for any tiny mistake or error or flaw which may not even be our fault to begin with? And we are not white entitled privileged heterosexual narcissists born with silver spoon in our mouth and we do not live in NY or LA so we cannot find another job - which as well may be mobbing there - what happens then?
You do not speak what happens when judgement is actually REAL? And abuse is REAL?
"We're going to talk about it"
Nope. You do not talk about it. You simple regurgitate CBT ableist crap which white entitled rich cocaine sniffers in medical industry invented to keep slaves in capitalism silent and obeyed to Republican/Tory psychopathic criminals in authority.
---
"Everyday interaction cause fears"
What happens when interactions are in life long toxic ambient? Shame culture?
Would it be normal to smile when someone abuse us? That we shut up or fawn? When someone close to us poop in our bed and contemplate false court hearing to destroy our career and steal our money? Are these real life event things same as buying bananas in supermarket?
What happens when we cannot exit situation - due to money, third party, bureaucracy? What then?
Social anxiety example is wrong.
You do not show what happens when other person is actually ABUSING us - through coercive control, put downs, sarcasm, nitpicking.
Example in the video is self anxiety. That is GAD.
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety because it stems from the social. Hence social+anxiety. Anxiety stems from the social factor. Someone negative toxic and narcissistic who is actually speaking out those things which you showed in the video.
So right from the start, there is one minute and 30 seconds of video - and we have established that you do not speak of social anxiety here at all.
I do not know what it may be - but it certainly is NOT social anxiety here described in this video.
This way you are pathologizing victims of abuse. You are telling them that they are hallucinating the abuse and that reality is not dangerous - while they are inside toxic narcissistic abuse which they cannot leave (due to money, third party or bureaucracy as main 3 reasons).
What you speak in this video is shyness and or narcissism. Narcissists are preoccupied with holding perfect false mask image and being preoccupied that mask is grand and reflected and mirrored in other people.
Social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation - it really is not undefined as you portray it in the video.
You are brainwashing us with CBT false explanations about social anxiety being mixture of narcissistic paranoid delusions and shyness that comes out of nowhere in "everyday" situations.
This way you will instruct socially anxious people to self pathologize and self blame.
Ideas mentioned in the video about invalidating environment is too general.
It has its name - it is called ACoA and Dysfunctional childhood adverse childhood experiences (ACE). This can be easily tested online - without login required. You do not mention this information at all - instead you expect that other people must explain us our own life as if we must accept CBT cult dogma as only true reality in life.
CBT crap about "pushing out of comfort zone" leads to Dissociation, suppression, denial of trauma, making trauma functional but unresolved, it is masked and compartmentalized instead. Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness. When we dissociate our trauma by CBT exposure - trauma which appears as a mere fear to CBT will not go away. It will eventually come back as allergy, auto-immune diseases, cancer, lupus, acne, hysterical behaviour (Charcot). That is because social anxiety is not triggered by our "cognitive distortions" as ableist CBT explains it - it is triggered by toxic people, narcissists and narcissistic abuse. When we do not have education about narcissistic abuse - we will tend to self blame - and CBT forces us to self blame our anxiety away. That is because CBT is form of narcissistic abuse. Its job is to gaslight us and make us fawn to abusers in power. Then criminals in authority are free to do whatever crime they want - since CBT silences empathic people with high moral and ethical values - which is social anxiety itself.
CBT is based on white privilege heterosexual patronizing entitlement - where there is a ladder of superior criminals in charge - and everyone else is slave to criminals in power. CBT ought to be banned.
---
"the mind must be clear in order to not judge the situation inaccurately."
Flash news: Human brain is not God neither it is a machine.
Human brain is prone to errors and it has no capacity to see ultimate reality, as much as animals have no ability to perform as humans.
IT is narcissistic to believe that we can become grand perfect super human being which can somehow see all perfectly and without mistakes. And that other people are lower beings since they do not have this super powerful grand narcissistic ability to see true reality.
---
YT "STOP doing these 3 things if you struggle with social anxiety #socialanxiety #anxiety #mentalhealth
"
When people are "people pleasers" - they are fawning because of abuse and inability to counter the abuse.
This is incredibly hard concept to grasp for white privileged entitled heterosexual - that some people do not have money to fight the abuse, nor resources nor any possibility to seek justice -
and then people pleasing is the only rational and normal and healthy reaction to abnormal narcissistic abuse that they fight against.
---
YT "You can over come social anxiety in just 15 seconds 😱
"
Orgy of white privilege heterosexual entitlement here.
Let's see what is happening here.
1)
"identify what actually gets you anxious"
Social anxiety is trauma.
Trauma prevents us from seeing what actually is causing anxiety.
So the first step - it is total fail.
2)
"you can control this, or you can't control this"
Social anxiety is trauma - which means even though a person may be aware of hyper-responsibility - this awareness does not make anxiety go away at all.
3)
"change your weight"
Social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation - it has nothing to do with being fat or skinny.
Also, when you do mention food issues- some people do not have money to eat healthy - so they consume a lot of fattening unhealthy food - because of lack of money.
4)
"Put it on paper every single morning and cross it out"
Rituals as response to anxiety lead to OCD.
You are literally instructing people to develop mental illness here.
5)
"One day that message will be embedded in your subconscious mind"
So you are basically telling us that if we are abused and if someone is abusing us - that we are guilty for this abuse - and that we must change ourselves as a way to change abuse and control the abuse?
That our thoughts will control abuse and evil people?
Are you aware that you are describing here how to develop schizophrenia?
Look kid,
I know you want the best - but you have problem here actually. It is called Rescuer syndrome. You solve your own trauma by giving random advice - which does not work in real life. Maybe you need to look your own mess first.
Abused people do not need advice- they are not mentally incapacitated for being traumatized.
They only need validation. Nothing else.
What you speak here is invalidation.
----
YT "Social anxiety is real and can make group settings feel intimidating #shorts #anxiety
"
Social anxiety trauma stems from ACoA childhood dysfunction. We will be programmed to self blame and fix other people - hence social anxiety in adulthood.
---
YT "Baby steps with social anxiety. #anxietysupport"
Socially anxious are already focused outwards-
due to exposure to abuse. It is looking for potential new and or repeated abuse.
It is like being microscopically zoomed into other people, noticing small details like tone in voice or face gesture to show potential attack, mobbing and abuse of any sort.
Social anxiety is not called self anxiety.
It is called social+anxiety, anxiety stems from the external factor: social.
Self pathologizing our worry as if it is our choice and something that we can control with our thoughts leads to self blame and victim shaming.
Telling someone to relax is patronizing and condescending - where you take a stand of normal superior being, while traumatized abused person is inferior and must be told what to do , like a little child.
That dynamics is narcissistic abuse actually. Covert narcissists often treat other people as slaves to put down.
---
YT "Take Joe Rogan's advice and apply it to these unhelpful thoughts #anxiety #thoughts"
Giving Advice to targets of abuse is patronizing and condescending.
It is usually a clue that there is a covert narcissists who is pretending to be superior wise creature which overlooks imperfect slaves to control and manipulate, by giving random advice - which does not work in real life anyway, since the problem are psychopaths - not our social anxiety reactions to entitled white privileged predators who are causing all social problems to begin with.
---
Exposure works for shyness issues which appear as social anxiety to uneducated and people with lower IQ.
Exposure will not work with true social anxiety.
It is like diving to deep pressure depths with carbon fibre - it will work 3 times, fourth time it will implode.
Social anxiety is trauma that stems from exposure to ACoA in childhood.
---
YT "Do You Have Social Anxiety?"
You explain social anxiety as if it is a mere fear and phobia.
It is not. Social anxiety is trauma. It stems from exposure to ACoA and dysfunctional ambient while growing up.
Exposure will not help with trauma - it will only make it masked and suppressed and denied. Then once trauma is out of our awareness, unable to process it- it will eventually spring up as allergy, auto-immune diseases, acne, hysteria (Charcot).
---
YT "Introversion, Shyness and Social Anxiety in Dating"
I would introduce hidden untold concepts which are the same and relate to social anxiety issues:
social anxiety = complex trauma = Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria = Neurodiversity = ACoA = emotional dysregulation = hypervigilance/hypovigilance
Anyone struggling with social anxiety - must be educated in these concepts.
When we do not have information - other people will control and manipulate us with their own fantasy imagined information, and narcissists use and abuse this gap in information for their own benefit.
Hence CBT will instruct socially anxious to drug pushing program and throwing money on endless therapies.
Also
it is crucial to mention that social anxiety and social anxiety disorder are not the same.
Social anxiety is normal and healthy. Without it we would be narcissistic psychopaths or like Diogenes - we would poop and masturbate in public. Social anxiety keeps us humble and social, that we do not abuse other people and that we are not selfish egocentric monsters self involved.
Social anxiety is trauma - this means it is not our fault, and there is nothing to fix. Instead - there is a process of healing trauma which means getting to our roots, skinning onion layers off. With trauma other people will manipulate and control us and we will believe we are broken and that we must put layers of protections on us - and then we will end with codependency layers.
---
YT "How to HELP your clients transform their social anxiety and low self esteem"
You focus way too much on self.
That is narcissism and egocentrism.
And social anxiety too actually.
In reality - when we are afraid of criticism and negative evaluation - it is because of narcissistic abuse,
and when we learn and educate ourselves about narcissistic abuse - we learn that it is not our reactions that are problem at all.
The one and only problem are narcissists, predators and toxic people , usually white privileged entitled heterosexual condescending males born with silver spoon in their mouth, using their penis as power to abuse other people around them.
---
YT "Friends be like with no social anxiety #ytp"
Polar opposite of social anxiety is narcissism and abusing other people with entitled behaviour.
---
YT "How To Reduce Your Social Anxiety Significantly (Simple Step)"
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
Suppressing intrusive thoughts leads to OCD.
Suppressing is dysfunctional ego defense mechanism - and it does not help us resolve difficult problems in life.
When we try to appear perfect - this is called Perfectionism and it stems from ACoA dysfunction where we learned hyer-responsibility and fixing other people's problems and that we do not have any problems to bother other people with.
Auto-pilot means we lack information - and the only way out of auto-pilot is education in psychology - which is boring to most people and hard to understand at first.
With education in social anxiety - we can actually learn that we walk in rigid manner so that no one thinks we are weird - that this is learned programmed behaviour, started in ACoA dysfunction.
People pleasing other people is mechanism as reaction to toxic people who can punish and attack and harm us in some way. So People pleasing - is reaction, it is not trait. It is mechanism as reaction to abnormal psychopaths around us.
So - it is about realizing that social anxiety is mechanism tool that comes as reaction to abnormal psychopaths around us.
IF we are not aware of that fact - we will tend to self blame and self pathologize ourselves. We will think we lack skills and that we must be "strong" - implying that we are inventing anxiety.
In reality - there are predators out there who cause social anxiety in others through bullying, abuse, put downs - which is usually masked as help or service and it is covert narcissistic abuse.
It is really important to notice toxic people around us - as a stage in healing social anxiety - instead of nitpicking our brain and coming up with hybrid personality - which will only end up as mental illness.
---
YT "CRUSH Social Anxiety"
This is excellent tip: self validation and self acceptance.
However there is a danger that must be explained here:
self validation means accepting ourselves as we are. Then we become our best version - since without shameful parts which we try to hide - we won't have any Achilles foot that other people can nitpick and mock. We'll simply be okay with being imperfect and flawed.
Many people confuse this with building up fake version of self - and that is narcissism.
For example - we may manically hide our imperfections by attacking other people who criticize our flaws and errors - narcissists build superior fake fantasy image snapshot of reality - and then tend to this fantasy - this can lead to serious mental illness like schizophrenia - where reality is rejected.
In order to accept reality - we need to be aware of ourselves as we are - accept and love ourselves in total - and eventually modify things we dislike - without harming ourselves in the process. If we keep believing in unrealistic version of ourselves - we will create narcissistic disorder and serious mental illnes.
---
YT "Do allergies contribute to Anxiety? Depression? #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #shorts"
Suppressing emotions lead to this.
That is why CBT must be banned - it is doing incredible psychological and physical damage to our mind and body.
CBT is explaining us that anxiety is abnormality and not reaction to abnormality.
---
YT "How to tackle social anxiety"
"Fear of judgement" "People bullied me" (past tense)
So... why ableist CBT never actually explains what happens when we are ACTUALLY bullied right now?
Why abuse is hidden away from information?
Perhaps because white privilege entitled CBT is based on making us people pleasers and conformist to capitalism corruption system?
"Self-focus"
This is simply not true.
Social anxiety is trauma, it stems from ACE and ACoA - and there is extreme focus on other people due to fear of potential repeated attack.
That is why social anxiety is called social+anxiety. It is anxiety that comes from external factor: social,
and it is not called self - anxiety. We are not afraid of our panic - we are afraid of abuse : hence traumatized fear of criticism and negative evaluation. Being microscopically zoomed onto other people , their tone of voice and face gesture.
Rigid freezing pose - is that - it is Freeze trauma response.
"They try to protect us" "Nobody attack me"
So what happens when we are attacked? What then?
"Practice focusing on people in front of you"
Socially anxious persons are already focused on other people.
What happens when other people are predators, toxic shamers, narcissists, covert narcissists, borderliners - and when they mask their aggression and attacks by blaming us for being "too sensitive". What then?
"Loose posture, eye contact"
This is surface level of social anxiety.
Through ableist CBT you explain 0,5% of social anxiety.
There is 99.5% of social anxiety that you never mention at all.
Such as:
Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics
---
" but being in a group with familiar folks who have all spoken to you, and know what you socialize like, that should add familiarity,"
This leads to codependency - and borderline disorder, where you will depend on close people to regulate yourself.
You are instructing yourself to create mental illness here.
Also depending on other people to feel good about yourself is called External Referencing locus of control, and it is extremely unhealthy - it leads to conformism and groupthink and herd mentality - where you will simply jump off the bridge because someone says it is fun.
This all stems from trauma and ACoA
we were raised in environment where we were told that we cannot accept nor validate ourselves, that other people are smarter and better than us, and that whatever we think and feel is false and wrong - and that other people know better, especially those who are loud and obnoxious.
Apart from codependency - this unresolved trauma that appears as social anxiety to us - will lead to fawning and people pleasing and inability to say no to people.
Since we will depend on other people to make us happy - we must never do or say anything to make them unhappy or that they waste time on us and our problems.
That belief is social anxiety trauma itself.
This needs to be exposed, educated and learned about - so that we know what is actually going on and why we are programmed and trained to self pathologize ourselves and on the other hand to put other people on pedestal.
---
YT "Overcoming social anxiety #therapy #psychology #motivation"
Shyness is not the same as social anxiety.
Shyness is issue of being comfortable with self.
Social anxiety is trauma in being self caused by alcoholic abuse and dysfunction in childhood - something that cannot be learned - it is already done, trauma is not our fault, we did not choose abuse and it is not personality trait to fix or cure.
---
YT "You Don’t Fail Enough! ⚠️💯#personaldevelopment #socialanxiety"
Narcissism, CIS approach to believe if we are abused and attacked - we are faulty and abnormal and we must change something inside us to become "strong". This leads to narcissism and borderline issues - which we see in our history and modern world through Putin and Trump and serial killers and criminals of all kinds.
---
18.7.2023
"as if people don't remember what being a kid was like at all"
Because of trauma - that is impossible.
ACoA dysfunctional ambient in childhood - is the place where hypervigilance, worry, self blame and self loathing is learned and programmed and hypnotized into socially anxious.
Being trauma informed would answer these basic remarks how socially anxious don't remember being a kid and that there is nothing groundbreaking in simply being yourself.
---
YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and Workplace Rejection"
I gave a lot of thought about Rejection sensitivity Dysphoria on one side and CBT explanation of RSD and social anxiety in the other side (social anxiety and complex trauma and emotional dysregulation is basically RSD - fear of criticism and interpreting negative judgement from other people and being exposed to narcissistic abuse) -
and I got to surprising conclusion:
CBT explains away issues of feelings of rejection as hallucination. The explanation is based on general type of information that people actually do not hate us and it only seems so in our head.
Well - that is loud/lode of BS.
Hear me out.
Let's put ourselves in virtual environment. And then we are no longer ourselves, but instead we speak our opinions anonymously and we can actually speak more in volumes than in real life. Right?
Well - when we actually comment like this in you tube or over any social media - something magical will happen.
There will be no more Rejection.
With more and more expressing our pet peeves which bug us about someone's opinion - we actually can learn that other person is not so mighty nor powerful as it seems to us and as it flues our anger and rejection sensitivity.
We usually feel RSD due to unfair ambient where there is some kind of unfavorable power dynamics - where the other person is in power to reject us and we cannot do anything about it - and when we are not narcissist - this RSD feelings are connected to being unable to defend ourselves. Someone accuse us of something unfair, blocks us, shove us away, breaks contact - and this is what bugs us. That is RSD at its core. That is also social anxiety.
If CBT was correct - we would STILL feel those feelings in virtual environment - yet we don't.
We won't care what someone accuse us - we will even learn to block them, not argue with someone who is narcissistic and antagonistic, we won't waste our energy in worry and trying to correct their unfair treatment. Because - there is no power dynamics.
We are anon in virtual online world - so we are not physically threatened PLUS that other person - is not the only person in the world. We may have limited exposure to close contacts in real life- yet online there are billions of people - so we can communicate and get info and share things with practically anyone else - and RSD is gone. Social anxiety is gone.
That is because RSD and social anxiety are based on trauma.
They are not biological issue as CBT explains it. Biological part would be being prone to worry and analyze data in painful manner - however in psychological safety ambient - this processing part will be quick and with repeated exposure to psychological safety - we will learn to process it much quicker than in real world - in ambient which is threatening and toxic.
RSD and social anxiety are connected to unfavorable power dynamics. It is connected to CIS privileged heterosexual entitled males who were born with silver spoon in their mouth and society which is build for the rich and those type of humans - not for anyone else.
If we don't have money - we will end up with diagnosis.
IF we don't have rich parents who can buy away problems - we will end up with diagnosis - because we won't have material to make our ambient safe.
White heterosexual male with kids will statistically have more chance to get job and get better pay or to get accepted and offered to any kind of job - get education without problems which everyone else will experience.
CBT is explaining to us that our feelings of rejection are hallucination and our own invention. It is not. CBT is build and created for the rich brats. CBT techniques will work for the rich, white, male - for anyone else it will not be successful at all.
When CIS is rejected - this person will always have home, money, fake friends parasites who leech on money and power as safety net - and there are far more elements which contribute to emotional regulation unseen and undetected by CBT - which CBT never mentions at all - and it presumes that people who are not white heterosexual males have the same such privileges that go without saying.
CBT must be banned. It is doing incredible psychological damage - and it sets up white heterosexual males to develop narcissistic personality disorder - which we see in the world. All wars, all crimes, all corruption, poverty, climate disaster - all stems from CIS politicians in the world.
When we are able to discern narcissistic abuse as trigger for RSD - we will actually see, really detect what is hidden away from us: that when we react to unfair situations, unfair people and unfair actions - we will be brainwashed into gaslighting and explanations that we are "too sensitive" and that we simply must be "strong" and "courageous".
CBT is telling us this - that we must forget and forgive criminals, that we must build fake narcissistic mask of not being vulnerable, that abuse is equal to our self worth and hence we heal feelings of attack and abuse through equating external attack with our self worth - which only leads to personality disorder.
When someone is abusive and evil - this is not our fault. That is not indicator of our self worth. CBT is instructing us otherwise..
When we are rejected - we will keep fighting and we will keep going - it is unnecessary to put focus on blame on our self worth for being rejected as CBT is instructing us to become narcissist.
When we are rejected - instead of CBT - we actually need to see and process what is going on - and it is always corruption in society that is the cause of unfair treatment - society is sick and abnormal.. Not our brain which is detecting it.
---
CBT (automatic medical therapy for social anxiety) will falsely explain social anxiety as hallucination and as our own fault.
IT is not. Trauma is real, abuse is real.
CBT ought to be banned - it is doing incredible psychological damage to targets of abuse who are seeking honest help and information about anxiety caused by actual and very real ongoing abuse.
---
YT "How to Deal With Rejection Sensitivity, Right Now"
My take on RSD:
It is not hallucination. If we are not narcissistic or borderline, when we are empaths and when we have reality awareness and education in trauma and psychology - RSD is reaction to toxic society.
And we can easily test this it is true:
by online expression and online communication - where we are anonymous and there is no physical danger as it is in real world: from being attacked, from being backstabbed, from being fired from a job - where our safety will be threatened in any kind of way.
Feeling of psychological safety will heal RSD. RSD therefore stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse.
In real life - placing boundaries with the trigger of RSD (aggressive people who are antagonistic and exploitative) - will end up in danger consequently. Psychopaths will backstab us, they will destroy us, they will cause us to lose our job, put flying monkeys to attack us. So boundaries will not help to keep us safe - it will make abuse and punishment stronger.
Toxic society is causing RSD. Real psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists are the cause of RSD. Not our brain. We are not hallucinating the abuse and there is nothing we need to do to fix our brain. Our brain is simply noting and noticing sick and abnormal people and reacts to it. That is not sickness this ability to detect narcissistic abuse and psychopaths.
Society is sick - it is based on CIS white heterosexual privilege entitlement - and anyone else who doesn't fit into it - is diagnosed by CBT and DSM as abnormal for being different and submissive to the unfavorable power dynamics.
---
YT "99% of ADHDers SUFFER Because of This"
First of all:
Being sensitive to abuse is not abnormality.
Noticing abuse is not sickness.
In fact, not noticing would be insanity - where definition of mental illness is not perceiving reality.
Secondly,
we can divide people who feel rejection can be divided in two groups:
1) empaths - who care for others and hence others can hurt them more easily due to lack of natural boundaries which cannot be placed due to abuse
2) abusers and narcissists - who feel entitled that people fawn to them as narcissistic supply.
Both groups will feel RSD issues - but the cause is totally different for each group. CBT does not recognize this - and instead it mixes up apples and oranges - which is bias. CBT is based on false equivalence bias and CBT must be banned, it is doing incredible psychological damage for victims of abuse. CBT is based on white heterosexual CIS entitlement rich condescending males in power. CBT is diagnosing anyone else as abnormal - who does not fawn to CIS entitled males in power.
So perfectionism mentioned in this video at 4:30 -
for empaths - perfectionism is survival mechanism - in order no to get fired from job, not to be punished.
for narcissists - perfectionism is complex abnormal psychological discard phase based on mummy issues and entitlement - narcissists insist on world to fawn to their perfect snapshot of reality.
So when we speak of narcissism - we are actually obliged to take these two polar opposite explanations of perfectionism into account. It is either weaponized method to keep slaves doing their job - or it is punishment method to keep slaves in check.
CBT does not explain this at all. CBT instead tries to brainwash us - that we are hallucinating the abuse.
When we are aware that narcissistic abuse is causing RSD -
"Cognitive flexibility" is not necessary for empaths and those who are educated in trauma and psychology.
When narcissists intend to hurt us - they mostly do this in covert manner in order not to be discovered and manipulators will always have some kind of explanation which is nothing else but gaslighting.
Empaths will not demand other people to say yes to our demands.
"Clarity" - is not necessary for empaths and those who already spend massive amounts of time in seeking truth and educating themselves in psychology and social issues.
"Communicate how we want to be spoken to and how we receive feedback" - is great test to actually see that narcissistic abuse is causing RSD.
BUT there is one pre-amble that must be there: and that is thorough and detailed education in narcissistic abuse - so that we can recognize brainwashing and manipulation and coercive control which will happen when we express our concerns to abusive person who is often covert into communal narcissist (rescuer).
"Be kind to yourself" - will be when we take our side and actually see that RSD is narcissistic abuse reaction.
Empaths are already having Hyper Responsibility - and they will never leave gross stuff outside. Normal healthy people already spend a lot of time to see all possible outcomes of any action - in order not to hurt or harm someone in process - like not making too much noise at night or in public.
CBT will tell us that we are irresponsible and that we are then over-reacting to other people feedback about our transgressions.
That is BS. That is brainwashing - since CBT only recognize white heterosexual rich CIS male - and CBT is based for rich entitled people who are narcissists and lack empathy - so it explains our sensitivity from the position of CIS entitled rich heterosexual male.
"Teachers might be right" - when we have inner mechanism to keep ourselves with high and moral ethical standards - no other person can be better or superior to us. These high standards are not human and they are mechanicals, they stem from ACoA dysfunction - which is also narcissistic abuse itself.
---
"a one to one basis I can really talk to someone, even quite deeply"
Go even further,
online when you are anon - you can express yourself without censorship. AKA no social anxiety.
For those who are traumatized, it will be difficult to start commenting - but once you break the ice - you will comment without problems, without self censorship, you will honestly speak your opinion as if talking with someone without any social anxiety.
Also when we learn about complex Trauma and psychology and narcissistic abuse - we can notice our wrong learned defense mechanism in talking online and correct ourselves - for example when we care too much about some negative feedback.
This is because of psychological safety -
when you are 1-on-1 or anon and online - you feel safe to be yourself.
This is proof that social anxiety is complex trauma, it stems from exposure to ACoA dysfunctional ambient filled with narcissistic abuse - where we were not allowed to speak freely - and instead we were programmed to fix other people, tend to their moods and needs and to self censor ourselves -or otherwise we were punished through violence or verbal abuse.
Social anxiety hence is result of abuse, it is intrinsically connected to trauma -
and CBT is blocking this fact and truth - since it is easier to make money from victims of trauma by making them believe they are hallucinating the threat.
CBT must be banned.
---
YT "Living with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) and ADHD"
This info at 6:40. Perceived rejection - yep that our experience is not real is really damaging.
I am putting this on my social media, you voiced out what bothers me about CBT.
CBT presents and explains RSD as from white heterosexual CIS male entitled rich condescending privileged perspective: 1) that we are "too sensitive" while other people are super balanced and magically always totally regulated, and 2) that we are not under threat and hence we are hallucinating the hatred and abuse.
So... what happens is someone with RSD will go online, learn about narcissistic abuse information (such as coercive control and gaslighting and minimizing someone's reaction to abuse), when we learn psychology - we can learn about egocentrism as last Piaget developmental stage and we can learn if we live in ACoA dysfunctional ambient - we will get arrested in development due to exposure to relentless criticism 24/7 and exposure to constant correcting and discipline of our neutral ways how our brain works (like thinking a lot being labeled as abnormal).
And such person who is educated will actually start to talk and comment online, from anonymous stance, so there is no danger of punishment such as being fired from a job or physical assault - and suddenly RSD (aka social anxiety) will be gone!
We will learn with exposure to communication with random people that nothing bad will happen when we voice out our opinions and concerns. We will learn that nothing bad will happen if we block someone who is aggressive.
In short - RSD / Social anxiety / Emotional Dysregulation/ Complex Trauma/ ACoA Dysfunction after-effects - will be gone when we are in psychological safety: anon&online and or when we are on 1-on-1 conversation with someone.
I trust that RSD will come up when there is narcissistic abuse, when we feel there is manipulation and coercive control going on, we will detect it easily - due to exposure to ACoA Dysfunction in childhood where we were not in acceptable loving validating ambient - but instead in constant criticism ambient.
I believe when we have high moral and ethical standards - we will try not to make mistake, we will try not to commit any error, we will invest a lot of time, energy and focus in doing the correct thing already - and then someone being dismissive through negative feedback and even accusing us of being reckless - that kind of attitude of invalidation will feel as trigger.
Also I trust that there are 2 types of people who are reporting sensitivity to criticism.
1) there are narcissists, bordeliners, manipulators of all sorts - who are really living in delusional self invented world of fantasy, as Sam Vaknin calls it a "snapshot of reality" and they will demand like 2 year old child being trapped in adult body - that their snapshot of reality must be true and truth and everybody must fawn to this ideal world and dogma which narcissists demand to be truth for anyone. And that is CBT - it is message to these types of people.
while there are second group:
2) victims of such narcissistic abuse, ACoA dysfunctional ambient while growing up - where empaths are now way too sensitive to any kind of criticism - since they were exposed to all sorts of criticism 24/7 while growing up, like a trained circus animal - and it will feel painful and hurtful and triggering when we experience the same abuse as in childhood.
For the first group - it will feel CBT is helping - since CBT will be very validating to narcissists and gently reminds them that they are egocentric and that they correct their delusion by pushing down some of their narcissistic grand fantasies about control and manipulation - by controlling and manipulating others - which feels great for narcissists - since now they can abuse their regular victims. For example - they will simply blame and gaslight their victims that they are too sensitive when victims of abuse protest the unfair treatment. That they are imagining the abuse. So CBT is basically training narcissists to become functional in their narcissistic abuse and to get away with crime. Coercive control is criminal, in some states it is considered criminal act.
For the second group - we need to realize what is going on in order to heal trauma and regulate ourselves. IT is about learning about Complex Trauma and learning how narcissistic abuse works. We need to learn how narcissists/predators operate - their mechanisms, we need to learn that healing trauma means non self censorship - that we need to express ourselves, that we are honest - and if someone is shutting us up - it is clue that other person is insane, not us. Other person is not adult and unable to hear uncomfortable truth - only egocentric narcissists reject reality and facts and objective truth - normal people are not opposed of reality and they will have ability to hear and listen to us and our opinion about any subject which triggers us into dysregulation.
When we are not aware that this is narcissistic abuse when we are silenced - we will self blame, and we will repeat ACoA Dysfunctional defense mechanisms like fawning and being people pleaser.
With learning about narcissistic abuse -we will be able to discern everyday frustrations like password problems with problems related to criticizing and complaining to some person who is lazy and not doing their job up to the par - which will be terrifying to us due to ACoA.
And really in daily life - it will be unfavorable power dynamics are what trigger us.
And that is always the result of toxic society and toxic ambient where white heterosexual entitled CIS males are the one and only cause of all unfavorable power dynamics in life.
When we set boundaries in real life - when we speak out the truth - we will notice that the only opposition stems from narcissistic abuse on the other side.
---
RSD is simply alarm that we are in some sort of unfavorable power dynamics where we are silenced and punished for speaking up against moral injury that we feel.
There is some sort of punishment and danger - and lack of psychological safety which triggers our RSD. We can test this - if we feel frustrated and there is no one around us - it is residue of ACoA dysfunctional ambient while growing up - where we were exposed to unfavorable power dynamics. And if the other person is the cause of our RSD - this person is supported in the system to be brutal and unfair without any consequences to be held accountable - while on the other hand we are in danger of being physically and or verbally attacked for being whistle blower, where we notice some sort of injustice, unfairness and rudeness from narcissists and predators who cause it in the first place. I would encourage anyone with RSD to test this in real life and see examples what is really happening when we feel dysregulated. We will get triggered due to exposure to narcissistic abuse.
---
"that the only person you actually NEED approval from, is yourself"
This is true to some extent..
If we are totally independent - we will develop Fearful avoidant attachment disorder. Also, we will become like Diogenes in ancient Greece - we will poop in public, and masturbate in streets and attack random people in the public.
So - we actually need to give up some of our freedom and some of our entitlement to get into contact and relationship with other people. Fifty-fifty would be ideal.
When we grow up in ACoA ambient - we won't know this concept at all. Instead - we will be programmed to fawn and people please and to fix other people problems and their moods will be trigger alarm for us to feel automatically guilty , no matter what the problem actually is. So with this unresolved trauma - we really cannot get into this interdependence mode. Instead we will be constantly victim and it actually makes sense to avoid people and be distrustful to others.
That is because due to ACoA we will attract toxic people and predators of all sorts - they will sniff out our wounds and peck on them and we will have no learned knowledge to take care of ourselves. Instead we will self pathologize and self blame ourselves for being abused - that we are not manly and macho enough - and that we must be strong macho and stay inside dysfunctional contact with predators who exploit us and who parasite over our wounds. And it's because we have no idea of this 50:50 reprocity that normal people learned in their normal childhood with normal sane and healthy parents.
---
When we verbalize our concerns and problems and issues - it would be helpful to find the words to describe it, what is happening and what we try to convey.
When we are unable to speak out what is bothering us - other people do not understand what is the problem, and it is high chance that we do not understand it ourselves.
Instead we simply are on auto pilot of emotional dysregulation and hysteria, making no sense to anyone, not even ourselves.
---
YT "What Exactly is RSD? | Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria"
Things we often to not hear about RSD:
RSD is social anxiety, it is emotional dysregulation, it is Complex Trauma, It is ACoA after-effect, and it is after-effect of narcissistic abuse. These are all synonyms meaning the same thing.
So what happens is when someone is in narcissistic abuse - such person is not being told by medical industry that feelings of panic and terror are EXACTLY the same as for neurodivergent brains such as ADHD and Autism being unable to process certain events in life. Same problem, same symptoms, same issues - having freeze trauma response, hypervigilance and hypovigilance. So basically CBT and DSM is not helping us at all - it makes us believe we are abnormal for reacting to abuse.
And this is not accident.
CBT and DSM are part of white heterosexual CIS entitlement for rich males in power. So medical explanations from CBT are based and intended for rich capitalist brats, not for everyday folks like you and me. CBT must be banned. CBT will work for the rich .- since they will have plethora of unspoken regulatory elements - such as having money, home, false friends parasites who appear as support but only leech on power of their parents, same goes for romantic partners.
CBT's explanation that it is our brain, and I quote video at 2:32 "brain structured in dealing with emotions and having difficulty regulating our emotions" is loud/lode of BS by American capitalist medical industry. It is simply not true.
When we react to abuse - it has nothing to do with our brain. Evil people abuse - they cause the abuse. It is not our brain that is abnormal that perceives evil people - instead evil people are evil - and there is nothing wrong with our brains as CBT tries to convince us all into. CBT is speaking to narcissistic rich kids born with silver spoon in their mouth - and new research shows that narcissism is stemming from entitled homes. And yes - when such narcissists feel criticism as painful - it is really their narcissistic brains build in dysfunctional rich homes that are the problem.
This message is intended for them. Not for us.
Everyone else is victim of their narcissistic abuse - and the pain we feel is real - it is true and toxic people are doing the damage to us and they are evil.
"Feeling emotional pain whether it is real or perceived"
Let's test this. We can actually go online and be anon and express our opinion and statement online - and we will soon discover that our RSD will be gone. We will totally become confident in expressing ourselves when we are anon and there is no threat or danger of expressing ourselves. And we will learn that we express ourselves without hysteria and being rude to other people. We will learn that we can block annoying and antagonistic people easily and ignore them without feeling threat of backstabbing.
In real life - we cannot do that. In real life - when we speak up and voice out our concern - we will be punished by toxic society and predators. And we will learn to shut up and not speak out our authentic opinion. We will learn from childhood that when we are honest and open - that we will get fired and that people will attack us, they will backstab us, they will use passive aggressive techniques - and basically not feeling psychological safety plays a huge unspoken role in RSD. CBT does not explain these at all - instead CBT instructs us to believe that we have abnormal brains, which is ableism. CBT is ableist therapy.
And I really do not understand how can Autistic person believe and spread CBT. IT is like being Jew in post-1945 Berlin and going to Nazi HQ to get information about human rights. That is CBT to neurodivergents. CBT is enemy. CBT is form of narcissistic abuse - it gaslights our reality - it instructs us to shut up and to be silent and to develop deep self blame and self pathology - and whenever we are abused and in unfavorable power dynamics and any kind of narcissistic abuse by CIS white males - we will shut up and blame our brains for feeling the pain of repression and abuse which evil people are doing to us.
In this video you go to extreme length to explain "perceived rejection" - but you do not speak at all what happens when abuse is real? What then? What happens when there is mobbing? When the other person is evil? When other person is punishing us? When the other person is backstabbing us - without us knowing nothing about it - but feel after-effects and discovering missing dots 10 or 20 years later? What then?
What happens when rejection is real? CBT does not answer this at all. Instead CBT is forcing us to believe that ALL rejection is hallucination.
That is due to toxic society based on CIS ableist model of white CIS heterosexual world - where anything other than this given default power dynamic is inferior and everyone else other than CIS male must shut up and self blame oneself for not getting all resources which privileged and entitled rich heterosexual CIS males get in life.
The video message is that we must talk to them about being triggered - but in real life narcissists are pathological liars and they deny reality - so it is like talking to a wall. And it is counter-productive, narcissists will become dangerous when their fake mask is being taken off and recognized in the first place.
Video message is going through self pathology: imposter syndrome, outburst of emotion. It does not mention evil people being evil who are causing this issues in the first place.
We do not get message from CBT that we are honest and express ourselves and have no self censorship - and that we learn about narcissistic abuse - so that we can learn how to recognize toxic and dangerous antagonistic people - who become dangerous when truth is spoken to them. Then our goal in life is to relocate and remove ourselves from toxic people - not to self blame and self pathologize ourselves.
And fear of failure.
There is actually fear related to hyperresponsivity - and this stems from ACoA childhood. It is being afraid of criticizing other people when other people are lazy and not up to par to their job and when we demand our rights and re-payment for damage done by their non-action or gross negligence.
RSD is connected to being in unfavorable power dynamics. When we learn about complex trauma, psychology, narcissistic abuse - there is nothing we can change our brain or pathologize our reactions that will resolve evil people being evil and narcissists using coercive control to manipulate us and control us.
RSD tells us that ambient is toxic and that society supports toxicity - and it is not fault of our brain nor how our brain is working. Our only legal weapon is to verbalize our opinions and standpoints without self-censorship. Also - it is a sign to cut contact with toxic people who are unable to receive our message and who do not listen and who do not want to understand information we convey. Insane people are those who refuse reality - not those who are abused by predators.
The end of video is more from borderline perspective - where the message is that we take responsibility for other people's mood and fix their moods. That is ACoA after-effect. This has nothing to do with RSD topic - it is trauma of growing up in dysfunctional ambient where we were being told our emotions are not valid and our purpose in life is to regulate other people's (narcissists) emotions and make their life easier so that they do not punish us when dysregulated.
---
Dissociation is common response when dealing with problems in life. That is what CBT is teaching us - that we deny and repress problems, so that CIS white male entitled privileged narcissists can have comfortable life for them, while we self pathologize and repress ourselves when being abused by system designed for narcissists.
--
I would add certain information which is crucial in understanding RSD - but it is more too often omitted by CBT.
We can divide people sensitive to criticism in 2 main groups who are drastically different and on each or side of polar opposite spectrum:
1) Narcissists, borderliners, psychopaths - they live in delusional world and refuse real reality to accept and then they feel narcissistic collapse when being faced with truth, uncensored opinion, facts and objectivity. Think of Rush Stockton who fired safety engineers for warning him that his grand delusions about carbon fibre will end in implosion.
2) Victims of narcissistic abuse and ACoA - who are born into dysfunction and who learned to listen to criticism as a way to survive, to fawn to authority, to stay silent and to self-censor oneself and suffer in punishment for any transgression which narcissistic person invents to be.
So the first group will perceive rejection - due to entitlement and narcissism
The second group will experience the real rejection and unfavorable power dynamics.
To tell to the second group that they are hallucinating the abuse is siding with perpetrator, the abuser. And this is what CBT is doing to us. CBT is created for white rich entitled CIS heterosexual males to become more functional in narcissistic dysfunction and to blame victims of their abuse for being too sensitive. That is what CBT purpose is - it is intended as narcissistic education, education in narcissism and how to make it covert and more exploitable for victims.
RSD is hard to regulate - because regulation does not start neither end with us. It is the same as to say that it is hard for Ukraine to regulate while being attacked and destroyed by Putin. Putin here is the only source of drama here - it is not Ukraine's fault for being in war.
RSD in global term is alarm and alert we are inside narcissistic abuse - and that there is some sort of unfavorable power dynamics. The victim of abuse will be blamed for not being regulated while being attacked by evil predatory person who is willingly and consciously exploiting the target.
When we are abused - it is not our trauma response that is problem. There is really nothing we can do to control abuser and evil person - we cannot employ ourselves in some company - we depend on plethora of narcissists in authority to get job.
Also to tell abused person to calm down is patronizing and condescending - so I would encourage anyone to really understand RSD from narcissistic point of view.
This means focusing on our strengths will not help us at all when evil person is attacking us. In fact - it will make their punishment worse.
Exiting situations will not be possible - since we would already do it by now. Telling abused person to exit situation is minimizing evil people and toxic system.
Instead of CBT advice to fix our brain - which adds to toxic shame - I would rather focus on evil people and narcissistic abuse.
7:30 "RSD is legitimate response to how we perceive situation, it is not flaw, it is completely valid"
Yes.
And we can actually test this. When online - when we are anon - we can actually see what happens when we express our opinion and when we disagree and enter into conflict. RSD is gone- we will soon learn that we can block toxic antagonistic people. Which in real life leads to backstabbing and punishment. So RSD is really connected to lack of psychological safety and instead it is being in toxic ambient.
I would use online commenting as tool to learn how to regulate RSD and see that is really is not our brain faults - that when we are psychologically safe - when we are not around psychopaths - we won't feel dysregulated.
---
(19.7.2023)
Plus, there is (hidden) entitlement and (covert/unwritten) privilege for those predators in authority - which must be addressed.
Narcissism is causing all problems.
Without criminals in authority, DSM would be reduced to a size of pamflet.
Our RSD aka Social anxiety aka Emotional Dysregulation aka ComplexPTSD - would be a mere blimp on a radar, something to notice and carry on - we really go into fawning, dysfunctional defense mechanisms, worry, Responsibility OCD - as tools to keep our head above the water when we are inside unfavorable Power Dynamics. And CBT explains our methods of survival as abnormality and something that is sick and must be cured - while in the same time totally ignoring privileged entitled narcissists in power.
Medical industry today have enough knowledge and technology to detect narcissism and psychopathy via brain scans.
We do not allow pedophilias to work in kindergartens, nor criminally insane. In the same way - narcissists and psychopaths really need to be isolated from general society -
the very first step would be taking their driver's license for life. This way they will be excluded from most of managerial jobs.
Narcissists and psychopaths create too much psychological damage (and loss of life) - that we should just keep our head away and blame victims of abuse instead for not being "strong" enough.
Second quick step in reducing psychopathy and narcissism would be banning CBT and replacing it with Humanistic Psychology.
CBT is form of a narcissistic abuse and it is ableist therapy.
---
First of all, fear of confrontation is not fear at all. That is the first mistake, since you base your explanations and perceptions on this faulty and totally wrong presumption. "Fear" of confrontation is trauma - and it stems from ACoA dysfunction in childhood when we were exposed to narcissistic abuse while our psyche was growing and suppose to receive nurture: validation, acceptance, freedom of expression and love. Instead it received narcissistic abuse discard phase or invalidation and relentless criticism about smallest irrelevant issues in life and toxic shaming 24/7. Now this exposure to untreated mentally ill person is edged into our mind as trauma, stuck inside our body - and it re-surfaces as a "fear" of confrontation.
Fear and trauma appear the same - and to untrained, un-educated eye it will appear as a mere fear.
Secondly, when we need to "confront" someone - that is always narcissist, predator/sociopath/ borderliner/ parasite/ emotional vampire on the other side. This means - the other person is delusional, aggressive, entitled, condescending, egocentric, selfish, privileged 2yo trapped in the body of an adult, trying to assert their insecure ego and worth through abusing other people through dominance, control, manipulation and put downs.
What basically all this means - is that when you confront such "person" - you are actually talking to a wall.
This person will not be focused on resolving anything, they want life to be snapshot of reality (Vaknin) as they perceive it in their insane mind. They are pathological liars and they will blame you for anything - whereas our trauma wounds will make us believe we are really at fault, automatically taking blame on ourselves. So they will gaslight us into believing that we are "too sensitive" in order to shut us up. When we insist on resolution - their narcissistic mask will be cracked by our truth and objective facts - and then narcissistic injury will occur and that is when these psychopaths become dangerous.
The toxic society is creating these unfavorable power dynamics.
Society perceived someone who yells and screams as a proof of being "confident" and "competent" - while the abused person is perceived as "weak" and "abnormal", someone who is delusional and not to be trusted in whistle blowing.
So any tip we really need is to trust ourselves, not trust psychopaths and to learn and educate ourselves about narcissistic abuse - so that we know what we are dealing here.
Normal people healthy friendly open people resolve issues and have enough empathy to avoid any kinds of conflicts.
IT is only our unresolved ACoA trauma which makes us believe we deserve to stay in contact with toxic people due to ingrained unprocessed and unresolved toxic shame trauma inside us.
---
YT "5 Strategies For Managing Difficult Confrontations & Discussions"
Good tips - but they do not work in real life.
In real life - stubborn toxic privileged predators in authority - do not want resolution - hence no confrontation.
Predators live in delusional world because they are mentally sick and evil, they are pathological liars, and they insist on it due to their untreated mental illness, narcissism and psychopathy - their delusion can only be solid when it is without criticism - and their white CIS heterosexual male unwritten unspoken entitled privilege keeps them in power, born with silver spoon in their brat mouths.
So any kind of confrontation with such psychopaths will be useless and it will even put is in real danger - such as being fired from job.
Which is great if we live in NY or LA but in other real world - finding another job will not be as easy.
For example - Rush Stockton - he could not hear criticism about carbon fibre and his influence as member of Bohemian Grove allowed him to evade inspections and get legal power on his side, taking honest and authentic safety engineers to court and attempting in ruining their career.
In real life - when other person is not egocentric and mentally ill, other person will be able to create ambient without confrontations. It is only narcissistic mentally ill people who are creating ambient of confrontation and tyranny and lack of negotiation or any kind of listening social skills.
---
YT "5 Ways To Beat Your Inferiority Complex | How To Overcome Inferiority Complex"
Clickbait filled with worthless flood of random word salad information that does nothing but waste our time.
"Embracing individual strengths"
Inferiority complex is trauma - it has nothing to do with being "strong". In fact, belief that abuse and trauma is related to being strong leads to mental illness: thought- action fusion, where we magically believe that our transient emotions and random thoughts are reality. You are leading here people to develop mental illness with misleading ableist faulty CBT information.
"Create realistic goals"
If we live in unfavorable power dynamics there will be no realistic goals to achieve - due to abuse and toxic people around us, toxic ambient.
"Build self esteem"
Self esteem is transient. When we do something we are proud of. When we are in abuse and trauma and unfavorable power dynamics - these moments will be sabotaged by toxic ambient and toxic people around us. Then we will self blame ourselves for not feeling self esteem. Self worth is another concept and it has nothing to do with transient and momentary self esteem which depends on socio economic issues.
"Limit comparisons"
When we are inside toxic ambient - the comparison will not be created by us at all- It will come from toxic people through toxic shaming and abuse which created inferiority complex in the first place.
"Talk to professional"
Those who have inferiority complex do not have money for therapy, due to inferiority complex in the first place.
---
YT "Fear of Conflict"
Online conversation helps with RSD - social anxiety - egocentrism issues. IT helps us experiment what will happen when we do things we wouldn't do in real life: such as block someone who is antagonistic and uses Ad Hominems. In real life - due to ACoA exposure to dysfunction - empaths will never try to block someone due to sincere desire to be open to other opinions - but in real life this leads to predators taking advantage of our kindness - so we never test in real life blocking nor ignoring options we have available online.
Also - being online gives us a sense of protection and psychological security - which we do not have in real life.
In real life - person who is aggressive and rude is potentially mentally ill and evil - and can harm and cause pain either physically or through domino effect - such as backstabbing and spreading rumors about us behind our back, creating flying monkey who will attack us for lies and hypnosis they have been told to by narcissists.
These real life issues are not available online - where we can simply block anyone who is not contributing to resolution of issues, authenticity, honesty and building up healthy ambient of negotiation and social listening skills.
---
YT "Are You Afraid of Conflict? - #adhd #adhdlife #adhdinadults #adhdmarriage #adhdrelationships"
Honest conversation (truth, objectivity, facts) will always take of narcissistic mask of the other person and display their narcissistic injury behind their fake façade mask.
When we struggle with being honest and expressing ourselves - it is clue that the other person on the other side is predator, narcissists and mentally ill and evil - and they use Coercive control to shut us up -
like Rush Stockton who fired safety engineers who honestly spoke about carbon fibre dangers.
---
YT "CPTSD - What is trauma dumping?"
To put this information in the context:
Borderliners do this by default. Opening up too quickly is borderliner primary trait. The goal here is to present themselves as victims not to touch or criticize while in the same time their declaration of trauma gives them authority to abuse everyone around them since they are wounded it gives them passport to be rude and other people to silently receive the random punishment and normalize borderliner's hysteria.
Empaths on the other hand will not open up the wounds as a mean not to burden other people - whereas most people are selfish and egocentric to begin with and they realistically do not care about other people on anything else but surface level.
Narcissists on the other hand will actually take all this trauma information willingly - because any personal information is excellent data to use later on and exploit it as a tool and mechanism of abuse, control and manipulation of others.
So when abused person will notice plethora of criminal actions by narcissists - the narcissist will simply pull the trauma card information and accuse the whistle blower for being "too sensitive" and "unstable" - shifting the focus on the abused person instead of taking accountability for narcissistic crimes they do every day.
---
Loneliness and social anxiety are not synonyms.
These two must never be confused.
We can have plethora of friends who communicate only in surface level and professionally - so we can end up being lonely surrounded by people.
Also we could be alone and being totally fine with it - if we live in shame culture ambient - where other's people way of communication is putting other people down and criticizing them 24/7 in order to live in ambient in hysteria and confrontation due to low IQ and being evil.
---
He was convincing speaker easy to hypnotize others with pathological lying masked as confidence and desire to grow..
and spoke how unnecessary regulations (which is analogy for social anxiety) limits growth and that we must step outside of our comfort zone.
His Titan submarine imploded with 4 members aboard exactly one month ago. (June 18 2023)
---
(20.7.2023)
Problem with short phrases is that it soon becomes rigid thinking. We stop considering other options. This leads to mental illness, egocentrism and narcissism.
Idea that we must escape pain and hide it away is path to mental illness, at the root of it all.
All our mechanisms and techniques to cover up processing stimuli reality - by obfuscating it so that we feel comfortable - leads to mental illness.
That is because most of issues and pain and harm comes from the external factor (people events) - and we cannot control it. We cannot control evil people and catastrophes by nitpicking and fixing our thoughts and how we think. That is path to schizophrenia - the belief that we control the world by our thoughts.
That is why industry (profit based) self-help is doing incredible psychological damage, for not explaining all this to us.
---
YT "Emotion Regulation Hacks: Two Powerful Calming Techniques"
I would add a word of caution.
We really need to process stimuli information and not run away from it. If we constantly avoid issues to feel - by resolving moods - this is toxic shame. We are afraid of being imperfect and due to dysfunctional childhood - we are learned that we must fix other people all the time. We are programmed not to feel difficult emotions due to punishments over long period of time for every time we expressed ourselves.
This means - we need all emotions to see reality and then our brain will make the best decisions - based on ALL facts gathered - not only censured information that we force ourselves to see.
If we are constantly hypervigilent - it means we are in toxic ambient. If we hide away negative emotions - we will stay in toxic ambient and become codependent on others to regulate ourselves.
As it is said in video at the end. "Claim our emotions".
---
(21.7.2023)
YT "The Solution: A Therapist Simplifies the ACA Literature Become your own Loving Parent! "
Becoming our own loving parent is only the half of solution.
It cannot be complete solution - since the problem is also found in external environment.
When we feel unlovable - we feel this because of external ambient and external factors which are totally outside of our control - we cannot fix them by fixing our mind and nitpicking our emotions nor thoughts.
IF we believe in CBT approach that we are "weak" if we feel unlovable and imperfect and that we must be "strong" - we will develop personality disorder - because we will start to believe that we are responsible for things which are totally outside of our control such as 1) abusive people/unfavorable power dynamics and 2) socio-economic issues.
When we are in unfair settings and when we do not have money - there is nothing that we can do to fix abusive people by becoming loving. In unfavorable power dynamics we won't be allowed to express ourselves, instead we will be punished for it, as in dysfunctional childhood. If we believe that our natural reactions to abusive toxic people is our fault and if we believe that because we feel panic and toxic shame is our fault and responsibility - something that we are not allowed to feel and if we believe that we must feel happy and chirpy when we are in abusive toxic poverty settings and surrounded by covert psychopaths of all kinds - we won't become loving at all. We will become codependent on toxic people who abuse us and control us via all sorts of psychopathic narcissistic tools: coercive control, punishment, pathological lying, gaslighting, hoovering, hovering, discard phases, honeymoon phases.
When we believe that we are problem when we feel scared, panicked and in anxiety mode - and that feeling uncomfortable feelings is sickness and abnormality that must be denied and suppressed for the sake of being "enlightened" - we will develop severe mental illness: delusional. We won't be able to process information and see reality as it is. Then instead of making healthy decisions, we will start to make all kinds of excused for toxic people and stay stuck in toxic ambient.
We cannot make healthy decisions if we believe that we are abnormal for feeling negative and uncomfortable feelings.
When we fuse our emotions and feelings with our self worth - that is called Thought Action Fusion - and this is mental illness - when we feel bad, panicked and scared - we automatically think we are bad person for it. This abnormality in thinking is programmed in dysfunctional alcoholic ambient in childhood by abuser, someone who was untreated mentally ill.
When we feel alone, when we think in panic mode, when we blame narcissistic people, when we don't open, when we don't write, when we don't talk - this is NOT our fault. This stems from toxic ambient as much as it stems from our immobility.
So loving ourselves actually is paradox - it means accepting our dysfunctional ego defense mechanisms as much as our proud achievements in life.
Loving ourselves means paradoxically accepting ourselves as we are.
Loving ourselves does not mean that we put conditional acceptance - where we divide working and functional parts of ourselves and then we push down, deny and punish and ashame parts of ourselves which are not working at the moment and are totally dysfunctional.
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YT "Why Can't We Speak Our Feelings And Needs? #codependency #peoplepleaser #communication"
I believe we don't need to do anything.
If we struggle with codependency issues- it is clear sign we are in toxic ambient and in close contact with toxic person. That is not our fault and there is nothing that we need to do to fix in our thinking, in our mind, in our behaviour, in our action at all. This deep belief that we are faulty when we have some issues is toxic shame.
Toxic shame is deep core belief that we are abnormal for not feeling good and happy and satisfied and confident. And that we must not talk about it and we must not explore it. Then instead of investigation of our feelings and our ambient - we try to nitpick and fix our conduct, our behaviour, our words - we abuse ourselves actually. We reject our natural reactions to toxic covert narcissists and instead we automatically feel blame and shame and guilt about something about inside us.
We learned this in ACoA dysfunctional ambient while growing up (ACE - adverse childhood experience). We were exposed to constant criticism and blaming ourselves for any error that happened 24/7 and we were programmed to fix other people when they have mood swings, believing we are abnormal for them being angry and that it is our fault for them having any kind of problem.
Solution is incredibly simple and easy - it is talking out, being honest, being authentic and speaking out everything, without any kind of censorship.
And what we will notice - once we express ourselves- is that toxic people will react strongly.
They will yell, scream, throw temper tantrums, they will ashame and mock us, they will attack us - just for us being honest and speaking facts and objective truth. So toxic people are problem - and there is nothing that we need to change inside ourselves. It is toxic people that all problems are stemming from.
---
YT "Keeping the ship afloat? #shortsfeed #codependency #childhoodtrauma"
Totally on target.
And then when we allow ourselves to be pissed off we will notice that narcissistic psychopaths love anger and they use our anger to ashame us and point finger at us for being abnormal, narcissistic, arrogant.
They will also abuse us and ashame us when we are silent in their discard phase, too.
However the point is to notice that - they are the problem - our fears, panic and uncomfortable emotions such as anxiety stems from them - and their inability to take accountability for their mistakes and unfair treatment and their abuse.
Now - the next thing that is important - is that we realize whether if we are in unfavorable power dynamics.
For example if we live in Serbia - and we are in toxic job - it is highly unlikely that we will get another job - so we will starve to death without money or enter into criminal acts to get money. That is unfavorable power dynamics.
Another example is abusive criminally insane husband - where saying No leads to femicide.
The point to notice is - that we choose codependency and fawning as reaction to real threat and real abuse and real consequences when we stand up to the oppression.
This is extremely hard to grasp for CIS while entitled males who have natural gifts and services which goes without saying just for having white male genitalia between their legs.
They will simply get new job quicker, their paycheck will be larger, their tests will be passed without as much problems as others - just because they were born with white dick and silver spoon in their mouth.
So - we really do not need to blame ourselves for codependency and inability to move away. This is not our fault - it is toxic society which is sick and abnormal and sets us up to be codependent - just to survive in abnormal ambient.
---
YT "Addiction is a coping mechanism to life"
Toxic society will try to brainwash us into believing that it is our fault and that we must fix and nitpick our brain to become "strong".
If we are not "strong" - nope - this is not because we are weak. It is because of external ambient: unfavorable power dynamics.
---
YT "Breaking Addiction is Finding a New Way to Cope"
On point!
In ACoA we will learn to self blame ourselves automatically - that is programmed coping mechanism. Something bad happens: there will be automatic catastrophizing. That way we keep off abuse - as oppose saying no and rejecting someone's opinions and orders.
For me personally - my coping mechanism was that I am not allowed to criticize someone and give negative evaluation to someone who is unfair and making some kind of error and boundary breaking.
Problem was that I was not aware of this coping mechanism at all.
I searched for answers and CBT and self help books described my problem as social anxiety - with misleading explanation: that I am afraid of criticism and negative evaluation - which I believed and now this wrong explanation caused new trauma and new fears and new issues - that lead to codependency. Just because of wrong explanation by CBT and DSM - which is misleading all socially anxious people who were traumatized in childhood.
Once I realized it was coping mechanism that trauma fear of warning and alarming someone who is pushing boundaries - now I have more insight about what is the cause of panic feelings and how to react in better manner than learned fawning mechanisms which I learned as a kid.
Without knowing coping mechanism - I would be stuck in self blame and self pathology and in unnecessary overcompensating methods as CBT and DSM brainwash us with. By becoming "strong" and "confident" and "assertive".
I was already all that - I simply had wrong coping mechanism: to confluence with abuser (allowing them to be right and correct without any disagreements from my side).
---
YT "How to set boundaries with disrespectul people"
Unfortunately this does not work in real life.
Disrespectful people are also powerful and/or they are cowards who backstab and revenge when they feel criticized. So it is really dangerous to confront such narcissistic psychopaths in real life.
Disrespectful people are societal issue, this is problem on much grand scale than we can control it at all.
If we take on the belief that we can control it - we will cause incredible psychological damage to ourselves - since we will make ourselves into superman, saviour, codependent person who is rescuer - and we will be broken. Women will end up with femicide. Others will end up being homeless and destroyed by them.
To tackle disrespectful people - this needs to be done through group action - us alone cannot handle unfavorable power dynamics.
In our daily life - we are already setting boundaries: we do this by talking the truth, by being objective, by having moral and ethical standards enforced, simple act of talking is boundary -
and toxic people will trip on it because narcissists feel entitled and privileged that other people have no boundaries and they are convinced that there is no punishment for stepping over other people - and society rewards them -
because toxic society confused being rude with being confident and competent.
Then such people end up in submarine which implodes due to lack of safety inspections , killing 4 people onboard.
Disrespectful people are dangerous, they are walking cancer of society.
We really must never burden ourselves with belief that it is our duty to prevent and stop them -they are simply too much abnormal for one human being to tackle them.
IT is the same as if we believe that we can manage lava flow or avalanche, or flood or that we can prevent earthquake.
Toxic society, industry self help, mentally ill alcoholics like Jordan Peterson sets us up to believe in this toxic shame belief - that we are powerful enough to handle disrespectful people.
---
YT "How to set healthy boundaries"
True.
If we can - we need to leave toxic people, not trying to change them , fix them or hoping that they will change. They won't - if they are not willing to change themselves, nothing will change them.
Problem is when we are unable to leave and when we are stuck with such psychopaths. And they do what psychopaths do: abuse us and hurt as and cause pain and take advantage of us.
Then we are in crap.
Anything we do or we don't do - will be wrong.
Not taking action is wrong - since it enables them.
Taking any kind of action is wrong - because they are evil and they will become even more dangerous when we stand up to them - this includes backstabbing where we won't even know that they are destroying us, behind our awareness of what they are doing to us.
So basically our own protection is our common sense, sixth sense and intuition, our emotions - which they will label as being too sensitive and abnormal and sick - so that we lose this last line of our defense: our sense of reality.
Leaving toxic people is the only solution and talking about it and warning other people about it so that they are educated and that we do not hold trauma inside us.
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YT "How to set Boundaries to Combat Narcissism (Guarding Your Inner Peace)"
Standing our ground with psychopath ends up as Femicide and backstabbing and outright rage aggression that may end up as mass shooting. If we blame ourselves for not reacting to abnormal people - we will additionally abuse ourselves, as narcissists do to us every day anyway.
Narcissists are evil and dangerous - there is really nothing abnormal inside us and if we believe we must do something to stand up to criminally insane people - that is called victim blaming and victim shaming - because we take responsibility to someone being evil.
---
"probabilities are high it’s on you. "
Probabilities are only high if you are egocentric and narcissistic and unable to see true reality about what is going on.
Otherwise - this process you described of self blame is called gaslighting - where we stop believing our reality and we start to fix some unknown character flaw inside us - which leads to development of personality disorder, where we are unable to rely on our brain to provide us with true reality and facts and objective truth about what is going on in the world.
---
To believe we can change other people is called Fallacy of change. It is morally and ethically wrong to manipulate and control other people. That is Coercive Control - and it is even considered criminal act in some states.
Also, narcissists will never change. To believe we can magically fix psychopaths leads to codependency and being stuck in fantasy belief that we are Rescuer inside Karpman Drama Triangle with never-ending drama.
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(22.7.2023)
In Coercive control and unfavorable power dynamics we have no choice and it is abusive to ourselves to torture ourselves with fantasy belief that we have any kind of choice.
--
Harming others is psychopathy and required lobotomy and prison.
Self harm requires medicinal supervision.
These are extreme cases which affect 5% of population.
95% need to go through regular stimuli processing procedure to heal the trauma in order to prevent coming to extremes of those 5% when unprocessed and unrecognized trauma gets festered.
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(24.7.2023)
"t it all decreases with stress management and sleep"
Social anxiety is cptsd.
Dissociation will make trauma worse.
Denial also.
Pretending it is not problem - trauma will fester.
It is the same as to say Ukrainians to keep their stress under check and sleep enough.
Like they are the ones in control of Putin war machine?
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" I'm referring to systematic process that's used in science....like for data verification."
This need to be mentioned:
there is no ultimate truth.
Something true today will be false tomorrow and vice versa. We live in dualistic universe and there are always two opposite interpretations of reality.
Philosophers are discussing about what is real for 2000 years.
"In epistemology, the Münchhausen trilemma is a thought experiment intended to demonstrate the theoretical impossibility of proving any truth"
"mandatory parenting classes wuth Parental Validation skills 101 "
That is not bad idea at all!
---
I agree however I would not pathologize any reaction to trauma.
These are defense mechanisms - and the only distortion is perpetrator of abuse, not the target of abuse trying to survive in toxic and dangerous ambient.
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YT "Conquer social anxiety by recognizing these common symptoms"
"People get nervous and worry what could happen in the future. Social anxiety is anxiety you feel specifically in social situations".
It is totally normal to feel anxiety in toxic ambient, mobbing, when there is narcissistic abuse, when there is COVERT narcissistic abuse, when there is psychopath with glib charm and hidden agenda to harm and exploit someone but appears as altruist. These all will cause anxiety - and it is totally normal reaction to abnormal person(s) on the other side.
If we start to pathologize our reactions to abuse we will become codependent and people pleasers, blaming ourselves for someone abusing us.
"Associated thoughts are like I'm gonna mess up. No one's gonna like me. I'll fall and everyone is going to laugh. I won't know what to say. Like catastrophizing"
This is toxic shame, and it is acquired in ACoA Dysfunctional childhood ambient only - environment filled with constant criticism 24/7 and being exposed to narcissistic abuse while growing up.
Social anxiety is CPTSD issue.
"Look what really causing it."
Toxic society. The cause is in the name of social anxiety - it is anxiety from society, society being external factor.
It is not called self anxiety, abnormal, toxic and narcissistic society is causing it.
---
Social anxiety is not problem with confidence. That is shyness issue.
Proof:
Socially anxious will feel confident 1-on-1 meeting.
Socially anxious will feel confident alone and without toxic people around them.
This means confidence is there, it is not gone, it is inside.
And it also means that trauma is causing social anxiety: bad experiences in the past and toxic people in the present time: narcissistic abuse.
If we brainwash ourselves into believing that social anxiety equals lack of confidence - that will become self prophecy and it is a lie - since confidence is there, it exists and we can copy paste what we feel 1-on-1 and alone into social situations by constructing our persona and likes and dislikes when in social situations.
We won't be able to construct it if we listen to "advice" that social anxiety means lack of confidence and that we must start from scratch and invent confidence all over again. That will turn into over-compensation and inferiority complex, since we will make ourselves believe we have no confidence at all and that our brain is abnormal while other people are "strong", "normal" and "confident".
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YT "Social anxiety"
Social anxiety is issue of exposure to narcissistic abuse and socio-economic issues - which are totally outside of our control yet it effect our mental state and well being.
If we "find harmony and tranquility" when we have no money and when we are in mobbing situation : we will dissociate - create mental illness, we will enable abusers to keep on abusing, we will develop defense mechanisms such as codependency to survive and we will stay stuck in toxic ambient without will to leave and exit toxic ambient.
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YT "Therapeutic Resistance with Social Anxiety"
Social anxiety is condition that is reaction to narcissistic abuse and ACoA trauma in childhood. It is also neurodiversity - where brain is functioning in different manner than with neurotypicals.
These techniques therefore are useless. If we are in mobbing situation, it is not problem with our will - we are abused, problem is with evil person which society does not punish nor isolate from general society. Instead - target of abuse is institutionalized and pathologized.
Exposure will not help at all. It is the same as to say that Carbon Fibre will become stronger with each exposure to deep pressure - it will only crack under pressure and implode eventually.
CBT's wrong explanation that social anxiety means "weakness" and that the cure is "being strong" will end up as pathologizing victims of narcissistic abuse. It is the same as to say that Ukraine is weak and it must be strong in the face of Putin and Wagner psychopaths.
Exposure will only bring Dissociation, which is mental illness. When we are brainwashed with CBT wrong explanations that our emotions are equal to our self worth, that is called Thought Action Fusion and it leads to mental illness. This means - we equate feeling panic with our core being - that we are pathetic and weak and abnormal for having reactions to psychopaths and sociopaths around us.
Also CBT's explanations are called Dispositional Attribution: where the person is being stigmatized and proved to be the cause of problem and issues with social anxiety - while situational causes are totally ignored.
"Dispositional attribution assigns the cause of behavior to some internal characteristic of a person rather than to outside forces. When we explain the behavior of others, we look for enduring internal attributions, such as personality traits. This is known as the fundamental attribution error."
quote by SimplyPsychology
In this way, CBT is narcissistic abuse and ableist therapy - which uses narcissistic control manipulation techniques to abuse: such as gaslighting and forcing the socially anxious person to doubt their own mind and ability to interpret reality and what is going on around them.
For the rich white heterosexual male born with privilege and entitlement and silver spoon in their mouth - it is highly likely to be narcissistic and egocentric and easily conveniently blame other people for any problems that happen to them.
Social anxiety is fear of expressing own opinion and thoughts and to know how to recognize narcissistic abuse and toxic people - where not expressing anything is the best solution to handle sociopaths. This way exposure means being authentic and honest and follow own gut and common sense and goals in life - where CBT's exposure will happen naturally and as a result of own's brain capacity to process data and make decisions in life - not as coercive control CBT manipulation and making socially anxious brainwash with idea that they do not have mental capacity to make decisions in life or calculate reality and processing it.
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YT "What is Social Anxiety? | Causes and Impacts of Social Anxiety"
"It is an overwhelming fear of being negatively judged by others"
Nope. That is CBT wrong explanation based on narcissists and shy people who came to therapy and lied/mislabeled their narcissistic injuries as "social anxiety" - so CBT came up with wrong definitions of social anxiety.
In reality -
social anxiety is an overwhelming fear of negatively judging others who trespass moral and ethical standards.
When we are brainwashed with CBT's explanation:
1) we end up victimizing ourselves and putting ourselves in victim point of view
2) we end up distrusting our brain and ability to process reality - since we now believe that we are weak and not strong and that we are cowards who depend on mood of others - while this applies to narcissists and shy people, not to socially anxious.
Social anxiety is trauma, it is CPTSD, it stems from exposure to ACoA dysfunction while growing up, being criticized all the time in time when our brain was forming and supposed to be validated and accepted, being in psychological security - it received narcissistic abuse exposure instead.
"Cause could be genetical"
BS.
People are born with 2 fears only: fear of falling and fear of loud noises.
Fear of toxic loud, aggressive people and their anger mood swings is learned fear, programmed in operand conditioning environment of ACoA and dysfunctional ambient.
---
YT "Social anxiety disorder and Specific phobias #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #psychiatrist"
Social anxiety is not fear of being judged. It is fear of expressing our own judgement of toxic people and their evil actions, warning and alerting them to stop.
---
YT "This Book DESTROYED My Social Anxiety"
Social anxiety is not sickness nor abnormality. IT is normal reaction to abnormal and toxic people.
Without it we would become serial killers and psychopaths of all sorts - like Trump or Putin or Stalin.
Social anxiety reminds us of our healthy shame. Toxic shame is narcissism and belief we are without errors and without shame - and it leads to mental illness and destructions of healthy connections with other people.
Self doubt and overthinking stem from exposure to ACoA trauma. Therefore it is trauma being stuck inside our body - it is not abnormality in brain, it is wound in the brain - caused by aggression of other people around us. This is not something to be buried and denied and suppressed - if we ignore wound, it will fester and create new sickness.
"Absolute God in social situations" - is narcissism. That is not confidence nor power. That is mental illness.
Psychopaths are preoccupied with power, money and control and manipulation - and narcissists are creating social anxiety in others, by traumatizing others while being in "god" mode, delusions and paranoid state of being grand.
Correcting negative thoughts lead to ironic processing theory - which means more of negative thoughts and more of anxiety.
Not dwell on mistakes means not learning on mistakes. That is extremely dangerous - if we ignore mistakes and never learn from them and if we block feedback - we might end up killing 4 people and ourselves in carbon fibre submersible, by believing in our own delusion of carbon fibre being able to withstand deep pressure.
Only Narcissists miss social cues. You never had social anxiety to begin with. You had narcissistic injury which appeared as social anxiety to you. True social anxiety is empathy and altruism and connecting with other people - and fixing other people - and that is not what you had. You had desire to control and manipulate others, and when this was not possible you felt anxiety which you labeled as social anxiety - since that makes you less sociopathic and more sympathetic to attract new victims.
Desire and urge and obsession over Flow state is indication of deep toxic shame, which all narcissists have.
Deep down is unhealed unprocessed trauma of feeling incompetent and wrong - which you block with happy thoughts and you chase flow state which you believe will happen when you control and manipulate other people and when you accrue enough of money. Nope. The flow state will never happen by being perfectionist and not through appearing grand in other people eyes with super skills of yours to impress others with your grandiosity.
Horrible, this video is explanation of deeply toxic, abnormal, narcissistic society we live in. Everything that is evil in this world.
Wounded toxic narcissists who are parasites (do not contribute to society but stealing & feeding of it) and who's chase for flow state keeps this planet in climate catastrophe, all due to narcissistic egocentric desire to feel grandiose all the time, as any narcissists desire that anything to dissociate from deep toxic shame and unhealed trauma wound inside.
Paradox is once we accept and validate ourselves as we are - we will be in flow state and contribute to society instead of trying to control it.
---
YT "Jobs that work well for social anxiety #socialanxiety #anxiety #mentalhealth"
Social anxiety is ACoA - it means there is trauma inside.
When we expose with unhealed and unprocessed trauma to pressure - it will have the same effect as carbon fibre to submersible: it will implode under pressure.
Exposure to toxic ambient, narcissistic abuse will not make us strong neither it will make us resilient - instead it will keep the trauma wound open, and then it means we will resort to codependency and people pleasing as mechanisms to survive toxic people and unfavorable power dynamics. Which means more trauma on top of the original one.
Social anxiety is not matter of weak will, it is not matter of weakness and it is not healed by exposure to new trauma nor new abuse.
---
YT "The discomfort with exposure therapy is TEMPORARY #exposuretherapy #socialanxiety #anxiety"
Exposure will make social anxiety trauma Masked, Functional, Compartmentalized, Denied and Suppressed.
This means -
it will come out as cancer, allergy, auto-immune diseases, skin rashes, mood swings, codependency, toxic shame, stress, fatigue, irritability, stomach problems.
--
YT "How to overcome social anxiety #spirituality #meditation #socialanxiety"
But it is called social anxiety. Where social is external factor that is causing anxiety (like bullies, abusers, manipulators). It is not called self anxiety - which means there is nothing inside us that is broken or needs fixing.
Social anxiety is not matter of lack of confidence. IT is result of being in unfavorable power dynamics where free speech is punished and sanctioned.
---
YT "When you have social anxiety, you have a fear that people are judging you"
Brainwashing and hypnosis - making trauma unprocessed and unhealed - and it will spring up as addictions and cancer and auto-immune diseases.
Social anxiety is not fear that people judging you, instead it is fear of expressing judgment onto toxic people who break moral and ethical unwritten standards, fear of warning and alarming them and holding narcissists accountable by freely expressing opinion and facts - it is fear of expressing own criticism
---
"conclusions of several research studies."
That is not truth, it is simply observation by interest groups, corporations and pharma mafia. Statistic can be interpreted as money/narcissist wants it.
---
YT "Understanding Social Anxiety… #anxietysupport"
"Fear of being judged or worried about saying the wrong thing"
Nope.
It is actually fear of saying the right thing.
The fear stems from being punished for being honest and authentic and objective- since on the other side is narcissist, psychopath, predator who is tyrannical.
"where you can't get that uncomfortable feeling of worry out of your mind"
That uncomfortable feeling is Complex Trauma and it stems from ACoA dysfunctional ambient while growing up.
We are born only with 2 fears: fear of falling and fear of loud noises. we are not born with fear of expressing criticism - this was programmed into us during trauma exposure to narcissistic abuse while growing up when we were supposed to learn how to express ourselves in society.
"A person can feel anxious, self conscious, or even embarrassed depending on the situation"
Correction:
A person can feel anxious, self conscious, or even embarrassed defending oneself in the situation.
When we are explained with CBT/DSM wrong definitions of social anxiety - we will develop additional issues, we will hypnotize ourselves into victim mentality and self pathologize our natural and normal reactions to abnormal psychopathic predators around us who cause the social anxiety in the first place.
---
YT "How to overcome social anxiety"
Hiding is toxic shame.
Toxic shame is that anxiety that tells don't show your face in the market. This stems from ACoA and Dysfunctional ambient while growing up, exposure to narcissistic abuse and untreated mentally ill person when our brain was evolving and supposed to be inside psychological safety- instead it received relentless criticism 24/7.
"You might say something stupid"
That is CBT wrong description and misleading explanation of social anxiety. When we listen to CBT wrong description - we get new level of anxiety which was not present before.
In reality it is not fear of saying something stupid, but fear of saying something smart, factual and true - and toxic people cannot handle the truth - so they label it as stupid and they Ad Hominem trauma into whistle-blower.
"By avoiding situation you are giving power to the anxiety which is making the anxiety real"
1) how do you know anxiety is not real? How can you know that? Did you make statistical study and scientifical investigation about what is really going on?
2) When we dismiss our instinct and common sense - we won't become powerful at all. We will become extremely insecure in our ability to think and make decisions in life. Because next time you are in situation where there is COVERT abuse and COVERT toxic person - and then you feel anxiety as response to a psychopath - you will actually ignore red flags and left abused and taken advantage of sociopaths and narcissists. Ignoring red flags leads to codependency and people pleasing and personality disorder - since your reality will depend on other people to explain you what is safe and who is safe, what is good and what is wrong.
"Doing what your anxious mind telling you not to do"
All our emotions are valid. If you cut of basic emotions - you will create mental illness.
Anxiety keeps us safe. Anxiety has role to keep us on alert and it gives us ability to detect danger.
Without it - we would become gullible and people pleasers, pushovers or consequently we might develop fight response and become psychopaths and serial killers - where we are unable to recognize danger - do we simply eliminate anything that appears as bad to us. Think of Putin - who has no social anxiety about invading Ukraine or Chechnia or Afghanistan.
Think of North Korea where psychopathic leaders have no social anxiety in torturing their citizens.
Anxiety helps us to stay human and to have empathy and not to cross normal human boundaries in becoming monster.
Think of anxiety as our internal police and judicial system - without it there will be anarchy: someone tyrannical will make decisions, not common sense and unwritten social contracts.
Removing anxiety is not healthy and it leads to mental illness.
"You need to chase anxiety"
Jung said:
"“What you resist persists”
It was the renowned Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung (1875–1961), who taught us that whatever you resist persists. What he meant by that is the more you resist anything in life, the more you bring it to you."
"Do the fear"
It is not fear at all. With social anxiety there is trauma. Trauma and fear appear the same to uneducated eye. But they are different. Fear goes away - trauma stays. Trauma is conditioning and programming over long period of time being exposed to narcissistic abuse operand conditioning while growing up - when our psyche was supposed to grow in accepting and validating environment to become healthy and resilient adult brain. Trauma is simply not a mere fear- and it shouldn't be confused and mixed up.
"Now when I meet someone I know I get out my way and I have conversation"
But due to narcissism and egocentrism - which is by product of not having anxiety - you are totally unaware of the other person. What if other person does not want to talk to you? What if you smell bad and they do not want to hurt your feelings and you torture them by staying close to them? Without anxiety - you are totally lobotomized from ability to put yourself in other people shoes - instead you see reality only from your snapshot of reality, narcissistic fantasy and delusion which you accept as the only truth. Due to inability to empathize with others and really listen to them, see clues which are non-verbal from them, you will soon start to abuse them and you will justify your narcissistic abuse as something that is good for others.
And this all stems from toxic shame of being ashamed for feeling anxiety.
In toxic shame - traumatized person is afraid of negative feelings and "fears" which are perceived as weakness and feminine, something to push down, destroy and suppress and remove from awareness.
Now you did not become healthy - you became insane -because definition of insanity is not being able to see all things nor process all stimuli information data. Instead - you process only happy data, that regulated your moods of toxic shame.
Instead of healing trauma - you are actually running away from processing pain and it seems to you as if you are confronting anxiety - but you are running away from it.
"Go and do things that you are scared to do to prove anxiety it is not true and has no weight"
So.. what happens when it turns out there are abusive and toxic people, that there is unfair criticism from toxic people, when there is mobbing. What then? And when we cannot exit situation, due to money, third party, bureaucracy and we are force to stay in abusive environment. What then? That is social anxiety - being stuck in toxic ambient with toxic people without means of escape.
This is something that white privileged heterosexual men will never understand - because of entitlement,money and privilege which comes from having penis. When you have rich, white, heterosexual male genitalia - toxic society will give you benefits which you take for granted, while every one else will not get the same job, their pay check will not be so high as yours and there will be no plethora of parasites who hang around you simply because of influence to regulate your stress levels. So from a position of such covert entitlement - it is easy to label trauma as a mere fear and something to conquer - because there is a soft cushion for your bum to land when you fall. All of us others will land into bush of thorns - which your entitled white genitalia never experienced due to covert privilege and entitlement.
"More you expand your comfort zone, the more confident you will become"
You will become confident because of money, entitlement and privilege that comes with white male genitalia. Confidence will not come from "expanding comfort zone".
In social anxiety - comfort zone is like carbon fibre in submersible from Rush Stockton. While non socially anxious people had instructor like Cameron who is making submersible out of titanium - carbon fibre on the other hand will not become stronger under pressure. It will implode eventually. When you are white heterosexual male - you have titanium. All of us others have carbon fibre. So when you expose - you will pick fruits which come from your entitlement and privilege and you are convinced that everyone else will get the same privilege and entitlement as you do. Well no. In real life that doesn't happen.
---
" no one is to blame"
No one is speaking here about the blame.
You are mixing up holding someone accountable with the blame.
You are mixing up speaking about the truth and facts as blame.
You are doing this - you are creating delusional world where truth is equal to blame.
Where facts are equal to blame.
Where reality is equal to blame.
---
YT "Social phobia - shy brain"
So much incorrect data, starting with the title of video.
Social phobia is old archaic term - which was replaced in mid 1990s when CBT "experts" discovered that social anxiety does not go away with exposure, as any phobia is healed.
Shyness is not the same as social anxiety, these are completely different conditions.
We are all afraid of negative evaluations of others - this is not pathology, this is being human.
There is 53 seconds of describing social anxiety as fear of people - and then in last second you say feel free to ask for help.
Well - yeah, if there was no trauma present, social anxiety would not prevent from asking and declaring and talking and expressing anything.
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YT "Yes, YOU can be confident...even if you struggle with social anxiety #socialanxiety #anxiety"
Social anxiety is not matter of confidence. That is shyness issue.
Social anxiety is fear of expressing and talking and asking and warning and alarming other people when they are wrong.
---
YT "How To Easily Overcome Social Anxiety"
"Am I smart enough" questions are toxic shame.
Toxic shame stems from exposure to ACoA and dysfunctional ambient while growing up - perfectionism and constant criticism initiated by untreated mentally ill person, usually covert narcissist.
So we have trauma here.
"It is all your mind game."
This is not endemic to social anxiety. All people have bias, filter, veil that is obscuring reality. Plato talked about this in his Cave analogy 2000 years ago. The whole modern philosophy is based on questioning what is true reality - started by Descartes 400 years ago.
If you make yourself believe that mind is swayed and when you try to control the mental processes which are unconscious - you will develop mental illness. Because you will reject your mind, you will think you are smarter than nature and dna and genes and nerves. That is toxic shame - belief we are not perfect and that we must overcompensate by being perfectionist and without mistakes and without any errors in life.
"No one cares about you"
Narcissists care. Predators care. Sociopaths care. They care to feel good about themselves, they regulate their own toxic shame and untouched trauma by putting other people down. So they will care a lot to embarrass you and nitpick your mistakes. When we feel social anxiety - it is alarm that we are in such toxic ambient where there is some narcissists who is filling their self worth by mocking and attacking us- usually in covert manner.
Toxic people are covert - we need our social anxiety to detect them.
You are correct - normal and healthy people do not notice imperfections in others.
However - there are a lot of sick and abnormal people out there, who are masked and pretend to be functional yet they cannot hide away their mental illness - so they do abuse others- mostly in covert ways where we end up self blaming ourselves as the result of such verbal and emotional abuse - usually masked as by them as a help or service.
"You make it intimidating, it is all in your mind"
That is gaslighting. That is exactly what narcissists are explaining to their targets of abuse. And then they keep on abusing.
---
He talks from a position of white heterosexual male with privilege and entitlement. Without money, he would know what it is like being trapped with abuse and not being able to escape the situation.
---
Narcissists believe that other people will attack them when being vulnerable (such as proven to be wrong) and that then the other people will be savage and merciless to them, like narcissists are to others. Healthy sane normal people do not destroy others. They warn them, they alarm them, they punish their deed, not the doer.
---
(25.7.2023)
CBT is ableist therapy of errors, lobotomy, self blame and pathologizing anything that moves.
----
"equating social anxiety with empathy and altruism"
Well think about it - social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation and staying silent due to Negative politeness (not telling the truth in order not to hurt the other person). That is the core of empathy and altruism.
"What's your evidence for claiming that only narcissists miss social cues?"
Start with Vaknin.
Narcissism must be studied, it is filled with important information that gives clues why we feel social anxiety and how to protect ourselves without running on auto-pilot of trauma in childhood where social anxiety has been forged (ACoA, ACE dysfunctional ambient).
---
"quest for a flow state - a documented state of heightened focus and immersion"
That is called Ventral Vagal in Polyvagal Theory.
You are mixing up hidden agenda to accrue money and wealth and other people admiration with being in a state of psychological safety. You do not have insight nor knowledge nor education in toxic shame which is propelling you to alter and modify inner feelings of incompetence by overcompensating with various physical or mental addictions which you call "flow state".
---
YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and Transference "Luke, I am NOT your father!"
I love this, this can be applied to any narcissistic person, someone who is egocentric (2yo trapped in adult body), psychopaths really:
"You can't really teach an adult empathy – and if you can, it's in a very small amount. So I would suggest she see him for who he is and manage the relationship so that she can continue to have a nice relationship with her brother. That is mostly done through having short conversations that are to the point with him, limiting the amount of interaction with him, not engaging in his gossip and rumors and dismissing ungrateful communication how she is and guilt tripping trap."
I would like to comment this section, it is important for RSD and social anxiety:
"Just don't respond to those comments. Nothing you say has an impact on his opinion."
Yes, that is absolute truth - narcissistic person lives in delusional world with snapshot of reality (Vaknin) - so anything we say it will be filtered in their head and real truth will never reach their mind - it is like sending letters from USA to North Korea or Stalin's USSR during Cold War period - it will be censored. Words will not come through because narcissists have a mild schizophrenia, their mind is automatically erasing meaning of the words and scramble them - so it is impossible to change narcissist with words, some kind of change from their psychotic zombie state to human being can only come from within themselves.
HOWEVER - for our own protection - when we start to be silent and when we start to self censoring ourselves - we will in return develop social anxiety and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. At the core of both of these conditions is Negative Politeness - where we shut up, we don't bother to talk due to inability to be heard (reflected) by toxic people - so we will start to prune ourselves off - and next we have , we will live in state of hypervigilance or hypovigilance. The flip side is Fight response and becoming Karen or narcissists ourselves, with borderline mood swings issues - since we are unable to express ourselves authentically and honestly - since the other person is stone walling our needs, opinions, observations - they twist and turn our words into nothing or endless drama, depending on their sick brain how it works.
So we need to know this fact - that inability to talk, when we self prune ourselves and not bother to talk any more - we will end up with social anxiety and Rejection sensitivity issues, with emotional dysregulation.
Talking, expressing, being authentic, being honest is being healthy and having a sane mind. Without it we are unable to pick up nor process stimuli data from outside world - and we will block reality from us - by keeping silent and isolated and censored. We will become narcissistic and egocentric - by not bothering to express ourselves. When we speak out our observations - we are actually checking up with reality - and we can get receive feedback and criticism which adds up to important data from external world - which we can process and test and see through our common sense and intuition is it valid or not.
Narcissists do not have this processing ability - they simply have snapshot of reality which is rigid mindset how reality must be. That is why they feel wounded and temper tantrums throwing all the time - because their reality is being crushed each time counter information is presented to them - and their brain will learn to dissociate and block anything which is diverging from their snapshot of reality. So basically when we are in contact with them, they will insist on their illusion to be true reality.
So - they will train us to think like them - and then self censorship, being silent and not expressing our comments and opinions and observations will trap us in their imaginary fantasy delusional paranoid mind - so they spread like cancer, they are cancer of society.
I would emphasize the importance of relocating and cutting contact wherever this is possible. Narcissists are not only dangerous from physical aggression - but they are doing incredible psychological damage to anyone who is in contact with them - and if we are not aware of facts about narcissism - we will get sick too. They will infect us with their illness. Vaknin calls this process entrainment.
Jason is talking about this at 4:15 - transference: "unconsciously I get lumped in with them". That is entrainment which Vaknin talks about.
Entrainment
"We train ourselves over a period of years to be able to hear rhythms and anticipate combinations of sounds before they actually happen."
Sam Vaknin: Verbal abuse entrains the brain. The abuser creates in your brain specific wave patterns.
And now Jason talks about importance of speaking up and talking and checking reality by expressing ourselves and being honest - since these are important facts for our brain to calculate process stimuli in order to get to the best decision about particular matter or issue or problem.
4:17 "My job as a therapist is to bring that issue out into the open in therapy and we discuss these very exact issues, clients begin to feel good in therapy because they're getting validation."
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YT "THE BLIGHT OF ADHD | REJECTION SENSITIVE DYSPHORIA"
"Historically, women are often just slapped with the label BPD. When in fact they either have autism, ADHD or CPTSD. But it's easier for them to just slap that label on us rather than actually reversed for screening."
True.
I see RSD as inability to express ourselves fully - we either shut up and self censor or some people enter into Karen mode and explode with Fight response - where expression is paradoxically blocked even though there is explosion of expression.
That happens because of the other people - people on the other side are emotionally unavailable, non responsive, narcissistic, they stone wall us - and our message is not coming through them.
What I have seen in my life is that ALL people are hurt by constructive criticism. Especially those in power, some kind of authority - they are really hurt by truth. When I wrote socially anxiety comments to channels from therapists and professionals - only 20 percent of them really listened to me and responded. That is really low percentage. The rest of them (hence majority of people) do not have emotional regulation nor mental health enough to process the data and information. Some of them have automatic dissociation - where they ignore the cognitive dissonance and counter information. Some of them become aggressive. Some of them do not have ability to read the data due to automatic dysregulation and they repeat things which are dismissed by facts in my comment. And I am talking here about therapist - people who study psychology and people who are educated in communication and receiving criticism and importance of listening and not going into hysteria mode for counter information.
Therefore, it is really not realistic that we expect perfectionism from ourselves - while in the same time there are those who trained versus us who were never trained in psychology and hence have no clue how to process stimuli data information in correct manner - behaving like us in the end with cognitive dissonance injuries.
Fear of disappointing people stems from ACoA, that is social anxiety, it is emotional dysregulation, it is CPTSD and it is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - and it all is connected with our fear of expressing our own disappointment in other people.
We are being mislead by CBT and DSM - since they explain to us that social anxiety/RSD is inability to receive criticism and negative evaluation - while in reality it is fear of providing criticism and negative evaluation to others FROM OURSELVES!
That is crucial information what is kept hidden from us - and instead CBT and DSM brainwash us and hypnotize us into victim mentality mode, where we are being told we are cowards and weak babies who are unable to handle criticism. That is simply not true, and true problem is ACoA dysfunction where we were being pruned in ability to talk and express ourselves and warn and alarm difficult people when they are being difficult. When we know this, we will break CBT/DSM hypnosis of self pathology and victim mode that medical industry is lobotomizing us into. When we are silent and when we are trapped in self blame mode, narcissists in authority are free to run their pathocracy without opposition.
---
What I write in my comments is both experience and knowledge I accrued about it for 3 decades and own experience, too.
What I have noticed is that we are inundated with wrong information, as you said in the video where women are slapped with label BPD,
so people who have issues with social anxiety are slapped with label hallucinations and cognitive distortions. These labels create totally new layer of psychological damage, which was not present before, with complex trauma at the core. So basically anyone seeking help for social anxiety from medical resources - will get sick. CBT will brainwash them with Dissociation, making trauma to be censored and silent, and that will create Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - we will become hypervigilant and hyper sensitive to criticism -
which will now be labeled as BPD or narcissism.
The basic difference with BPD/narcissism is desire to manipulate and control other people - whereas in social anxiety we have only desire to be safe and to live in psychological safety, not to be attacked, mocked or abused in any shape of form - overt or covert.
CBT ought to be banned.
---
Reducing anxiety is Dissociation, denial and suppression of real life and real objective facts of toxic ambient and as such suppressing anxiety is the dysfunctional defense mechanism and it leads to mental illness. It will simply come out as allergy, cancer, auto immune diseases, skin rashes, OCD, toxic shame.
Modifying mood, altering mood always leads to addictions - physical or mental.
The only person who made success from such wrong tip was the author who is making money on other people's trauma.
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"The feedback of others in social interactions is to improve yourself and your actions, not a ultimate judgment of your ego."
This is true when the other person is normal healthy and sane.
When the other person is abnormal psychopath - then feedback turns into emotional abuse.
The twist is that most people who give "feedback" actually have deep toxic shame and they regulate their covert hidden feelings of incompetency by criticizing others through fault findings and double binding. All they need is to find someone kind, nice, with high moral and ethical standards - and they get free narcissistic supply who will be determined to "improve oneself and own actions" - while in reality you are being trained like a circus animal by narcissist. Then this "desire to improve" turns into codependency.
---
"Citing Freud to undermine the concept"
If you refuse to accept reality and instead live in a delusional fantasy snapshot of reality, that is your choice and I cannot do anything about it.
When we have rigid mindset, that is mental illness.
" striving to become a better person and seeking superiority over others"
When we satisfy our Maslow needs, we will naturally strive to become "a better person".
Otherwise, desire to become a better person is nothing else but toxic shame.
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" Aren't they distinct, with the former being just one possible aspect of the latter, rather than a comprehensive definition?"
They are not.
If we believe we are afraid of criticism as CBT explains it - we will create victim mentality and do nothing about it since we are explained it is fear. While in reality it is trauma. Trauma and fear are not the same.
When we understand that social anxiety is actually fear of expressing our criticism and negative evaluation - we are now in place of more control - where we can collect data, see what is happening around us, and then decide what is the best choice of action.
Obviously - it is not wise to criticize Putin or North Korean political leaders - it can end up as death sentence. CBT explains us that we must "be strong" and be assertive with everyone - even with psychopathic people who are serial killers and kill anyone who is honest.
You mention flow state - but your are very rigid about it, you are contradicting yourself:
you are not in flow state when you are rigid and when you demand reality to be rigid without multiple points of views about certain matter.
---
(26.7.2023)
"while in my 20 years of coaching experience"
In my 30 years of social anxiety on hand experience, the ideology of "flow" and representing and interpreting social anxiety as weakness, as weak will and the cure being presented as being strong - does not help at all.
" Isn't it possible that both can coexist without dismissing one or the other as inherently flawed or less valuable?"
Think of it as yin and yang energy.
Social anxiety is a sign that person is having issues in trauma - and this has nothing to do with "happiness" issue.
" Can't theory and practice enhance each other in the pursuit of client well-being?"
I see Humanistic psychology as answer - where the client needs to be validated and accepted and being explained that he or her is her his own captain of the ship and that there is capacity to make decisions in life - instead of relying and depending on other people and guides to explain their life away and what they suppose to do in life.
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"Defining social anxiety solely as fear of expressing criticism overlooks its many other symptoms"
Yet in the same time it encompass it them all.
"Why disregard established psychological consensus"
Due to egocentrism, conformity, group think, white privilege heterosexual moralizing domination of entitlement and condescending exploitation.
" Isn't it essential to approach such complex matters comprehensively?"
Established psychological consensus certainly does not approach such complex matters comprehensively at all.
They follow Aristotelian Boolean logic of black and white which is extreme oversimplification where Sorites paradox is not acknowledged (spectrum).
---
(26.7.2023)
YT "Overcoming fear of confrontation and asserting needs in relationships #shorts
"
Boundaries with psychopath means punishment and death.
Self worth is destroyed in ACoA that sets us up for toxic relationships.
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YT "How fear is instilled in the scapegoat by the narcissistic family system and how to let go of it."
When we end up with social anxiety symptoms - CBT and DSM will continue the exactly same narcissistic abuse as in ACoA dysfunctional ambient - it will tell us through gaslighting that we are hallucinating the threat and that we have faulty brain, filled with cognitive distortions - which in reality are complex trauma being stuck inside our body. Now CBT and DSM will instill fear and new fears inside us, on top of the existing ones: toxic shame and inability to rely on our brain, common sense and our own instinct about what is stimuli processing telling us about the world and people around us.
---
ACoA is also Dyscfunctional ambient - so alcohol is not requirement to prove test positive to exposure to ACE: emotional and narcissistic abuse exposure.
How it will help?
It will help as education - since we will be explained by toxic society and medical industry that we are faulty, weak and abnormal, that our brain is creating delusions of fears - while in reality - it is not our choice. Trauma is instilled inside us by untreated mentally ill people : narcissists and borderliners.
" I’m not an under age drinker I’ve never touch alcohol in my life"
There is a term called para-alcoholic where there are traits and all kinds of characteristic of alcoholic abuse after effects : and this is called "para-alcoholic".
In short: dysfunctional.
When we are exposed to abuse - we will develop emotional dysregulation, that is dysfunctional. And it is not our fault. That is the point of my comment.
The point was not to blame - as you suggest in your misunderstood reply to my comment, but to deflect the blame.
---
(27.7.2023)
YT "Unlocking Trauma Release: The Power of Self Regulation"
I see any advice about self regulation as self blame and victim blaming.
We are always dysregulated due to toxic ambient and toxic people. Not because it is our choice to feel uncomfortable.
When we ignore narcissistic abuse which is causing all dysregulation - we are enabling psychopaths to abuse and we stay stuck in codependency inside Karpman Drama Triangle. Since we do nothing about narcissists.
Along with self regulation techniques we really need , as anything else in life, see and perceive everything holistically. This means investigate what triggers our dysregulation - to become Sherlock Holmes and or scientist in a laboratory or CSI investigator seeking clues and facts and truth about what is the cause of our triggers into dysregulation.
It is extremely dangerous is we create False sense of security through various self regulation techniques - when in the same time we are in toxic ambient with toxic people around us.
Also, education about trauma is essential. With education about PureOCD we can learn that what we resist, will persist. Any reaction to anxiety will create more of anxiety. When we make wound functional and masked- wound is still open and it will fester. This means - it will come out eventually as cancer, auto-immune diseases, skin rashes, lupus, allergies, Charcot hysteria.
This process is mentioned at the end of this video message at 7:00, and it sums up colloquially as:
“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by a$$holes.”
---
YT "Cultivating emotional regulation skills for healthier relationships #shorts"
"Practice mindfulness"
So.. when the other person poops in our bed, attack us and when she contemplates law suit to defame us in court and take all our money - we need to meditate to regulate our panic reactions to their abuse?
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YT "Emotional Regulation for Autistic Individuals #autism #aspergers #actuallyautistic #asd"
"Reduce anxiety"
leads to more anxiety.
Making triggers functional and masked - does not make anxiety go away. IT goes underground and then we end up with allergies, cancer, lupus, auto-immune diseases, skin rashes, Charcot hysteria.
---
Making money profit on other people stress, trauma and neurodiversity.
Trump crony capitalism at its worse, it destroys our planet through pollution, it exploits the most vulnerable population. Narcissism must be treated as pedophilia - narcissists must be under supervision and banned from any social contact.
---
YT "The Power of Self Discipline | Mindful Moments"
Masked as self discipline, this is actually how mental illness is created described here.
The desire to control deep toxic shame (core feeling of being inept and unacceptable due to exposure to verbal abuse in childhood) and to control uncomfortable external events such as toxic people - by nitpicking own brain through becoming perfectionist and through self-flagellation.
Daily routine as reaction to anxiety and fears of uncertainties in life is actually OCD.
Mindfulness leads to more distress:
"The self-absorption paradox describes the contradictory association whereby higher levels of self-awareness are simultaneously associated with higher levels of psychological distress and with psychological well-being."
Desire to create skills and will power leads to personality disorder - because we fuse our character trait with our emotions. We feel good = we are good. We feel disciplined = we feel validated and acceptable. That is really dangerous since what happens when we have bad day, when catastrophe black swan occurs, when we run out of money due to virus outbreak or some unforeseen external event - we reject ourselves then?
Instead of internet stoic cult, I would really encourage young men who devour this content to turn their backs towards philosophy and psychology instead and learn about life from more than one resource.
---
YT "The Power of Emotional Regulation and Stoicism"
In real life, we will notice that observer approach does not work in real life situations -
we will notice that other people (narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, pathocracy) plays a huge role in our well being, and basically there is nothing to fix or nitpick inside ourselves to control coercive control and manipulation by Machiavellians around us who are causing dysregulation in the first place.
Also we will soon notice that any technique and mechanism and ritual against the dysregulation soon turns into OCD.
Instead of stoic cult, I would turn to psychology and learn about toxic shame:
any mood altering will turn into addictions - mental addictions such as PureOCD or physical substance addictions.
---
YT "5 Steps on How to Control Your Emotions Better"
This video misses crucial thing about emotions: that they are contagious and other people can invade us with emotions.
All techniques said in video are detrimental and lead to mental illness:
1)
mindfulness improve mental health - this statement is false. Truth is the opposite:
"The self-absorption paradox describes the contradictory association whereby higher levels of self-awareness are simultaneously associated with higher levels of psychological distress and with psychological well-being."
2)
writing
Any ritual as reaction to anxiety leads to more anxiety. This leads to OCD.
Writing is best done as regular practice, not as reaction to emotions. Big difference.
3)
"cognitive re-appraisal, reframing our thoughts""Refocus, reframe our thoughts"
Truth is:
"The optimism bias refers to our tendency to overestimate our likelihood of experiencing positive events and underestimate our likelihood of experiencing negative events."
In real life we need all aspects from all sides - not only Hollywood magic fantasy to guide us. If we live in delusions , we will end up with schizophrenia, invented reality.
Research is done by corporations.7
4)
exercise.
IT is really hard to exercise when we are in stress and anxiety, aka when we need it the most: at job or in some stuck situation where we cannot walk away.
Also, exercise will not make money - so socio-econimic status will not change with exercise, nor we can control toxic people by our exercise. In fact - if we feel good while being trapped in toxic ambient and toxic people - we will become codependent since we won't make plans to move away, instead we will feel good from all the exercise.
5)
gratitude, be thankful for what you have instead of dwelling on negative.
All our emotions are needed to make decisions in life.
If we live with someone who poops in our bed and tries to make false court allegations to defame our career into garbage - being grateful will not guide us into right direction.
There is a saying: good intentions are road to hell.
---
With education about narcissism and BPD we can discern them. Without education - we have no idea what is going on.
CBT and DSM will explain to us that we are the problem, that toxic people do not exist and that we can change and control other people by changing our interpretations of events (through ABC method). Then we end up with gaslighting and covert abuse - which is not visible to us - due to medical community which gives us false definitions of anxiety and panic that we feel as effect of exposure to abuse.
---
Radical acceptance is the same as Moral relativism.
It works in healthy and sane ambient. However abuser and tyrants will exploit it to abuse others. Similar to communism - the idea is to help workers - but repeatedly in real life - it because breeding ground for legalized serial killers and mass murderers.
Something to think about.
Moral relativism has a reputation for being compassionate, caring and humane, but it is an extremely useful philosophy for tyrants.
🟦 Peter Kreeft
---
(28.7.2023)
"not wanting to meaningfully converse about anything that they themselves didn't bring up.
they were incredibly dismissive if called out on it. "
Yep, that is connected with social anxiety.
The reason why people don't join into conversation or dismiss it could be due to many reasons:
1) they simply may have a bad day. They may have some untold stress in their life that they don't talk about - so we have no idea about it. Due to social anxiety - we will egocentrically see due to exposure to Acoa and bullying and negative experiences from the past - that they hate us. While in reality - they may be panicked and or suffer in silence - and have no time to jump into contact, conversation, talking.
2) another reason may be that they are emotionally unavailable - they might be introverts, not like to talk much. Also, they might be narcissists - so they do not like triggers of their narcissistic wounds. When we are honest and authentic - this will trigger people who have false mask, false self - it will irritate them that someone is free to speak out something that they try to hide. For example like talking about gay rights while they are in the closet for all life and even go to such extent to have fake wife. Obviously - we will irritate the hell out of them and they won't join into our carefree talking about gay issues from accepting side.
3) they might be psychopaths and sociopaths - so there are two extremes: that they have glib charm and join into conversation,, to much and overtake is and as conversational narcissists they might steal the spotlight onto themselves and change the subject onto their views and opinions. OR they might hate what we talk about - due to same mechanism as narcissists - so they do not want to be exposed by our freedom in speech - which is revealing them as criminals.
The point is - that we do not know.
Instead of ACoA experience of taking all things personally and blaming ourselves and feel ashamed when someone does not respond normally and healthy and friendly to our talking conversation - that we actually investigate and take all things into consideration.
Obviously - when someone is off, when someone acts strangely - it is a sign that there is something wrong WITH THEM. Not with us - as we are programmed to believe with social anxiety trauma- when we were being told repeatedly through punishment, that any anger, mood swings and any emotional outburst is always our fault and we are guilty if someone is not feeling good.
That is why I speak about social anxiety being result of trauma.
We were being exposed to narcissistic abuse over long period of time in our early age - when we were suppose to grow in accepting and loving atmosphere -
so now as adults we would not be so concerned for other people being dismissive and ignoring us, that would not trigger our trauma wounds now.
Without trauma - when someone is not joining into conversation - we might either investigate (like scientist or Sherlock Holmes in laboratory - by educating ourselves about narcissistic abuse - so that we discover what is abnormal in other people and act accordingly - by cutting contact and minimizing exposure to such people) OR we might not care and have intrinsic locus of control where other people reactions are no longer in our central focus.
With trauma in childhood - we learned that we must focus on other people and we must fix them and that we cannot feel at peace when someone is ignoring us or when someone is dismissive.
I would work on trauma
Social anxiety means ACoA. And we need to heal trauma here. Not other people.
---
"of how one 'finds' such a tribe."
You probably heard the expression that intelligent people are doomed to be alone.
I would say we need to become more pro-active. When we notice more details in life - we will be silenced by majority who do not like that much input.
Most people like to chat about genitalia and feces - so they will feel disgust when some other subject is at the table. Problem is that they will silence us. Through mocking, punishments, bullying, dismissing-
and we will learn that something is wrong with us, that we must self-censor ourselves.
When we self-censor ourselves - we are isolating ourselves - since other people cannot find us, we become like lighthouse without light.
So to answer your question how to find such tribe - it is not available if we shut up or if we self censor ourselves.
The price for speaking up will be outrage from stupid people. We need to be willing to pay such price.
As Sinead O'Connor said:
"To say what you feel is to dig your own grave"
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"and everyone hates you for whatever reason it's a little hard to succeed at making friends"
Yep, you are totally correct - HOWEVER - if "friends" will accept us only our fake version - that is not friendship. That is manipulation and exploitation and control. IT is abnormal. IT will be doomed for failure and self destruction.
If you feel like you must mask yourself for the price to be accepted by others - you will build fake persona, that is not healthy.
If other people are not accepting of you - then it is best to be isolated and alone. It is healthier for you - than to pretend to be something you are not.
When you mask and pretend only to fit in - you will build narcissistic mask of perfectionism, where you will try to hide panically/manically your toxic shame.
It will hurt you when you do not live up to their expectations, and you will become addict on their approval - their mood swings will control you, you will try to fix them by fixing yourself.
That is social anxiety by the way - at its core: self censoring yourself for the approval of toxic people around you and being codependent on other's admiration and care. Toxic people will feast on us - they will control us through shaming.
The only way out is to be honest, authentic and true to yourself - and let toxic people go when they cannot stand us being truthful and honest and authentic.
---
"I really don't think every or even most people with social anxiety have alcoholic parents"
There is a term called para-alcoholic. Where there is no substance abuse - but abuser acts the same as alcoholic.
ACoA comes along with Dysfunctional families.
We did not learn social anxiety on our own.
We were programmed, hypnotized , initialized into it.
We are not born with fear (trauma) of criticism and negative evaluation. That kind of trauma is learned, it is only being taught - we cannot catch it randomly out in the street-
---
"socially oblivious in many ways, please know that some of us are trying lol. I had wayyy to little interaction with other people growing up"
This is crucial question.
Why you had little interaction with other people?
1) are you introvert and do not like socializing
2) was is due to fear, bullying experience
3) do you experience hallucinations and hear voices that other people do not hear or see - so you do not want to talk about it and hence you isolate yourself
4) do you feel injured when someone is not praising you or admiring you all the time? So that is the reason for avoiding people?
5) do you live in isolated area so no people are around? Do you have no money for you cannot afford interaction with other people?
Socio economic issues?
Start with investigation what is the reason for little interaction?
When people start to isolate themselves - it could be for millions of reason. It does not mean it is automatically social anxiety the cause of isolation.
CBT misleads us and DSM will mislabel and put quick labels on us - while in the same time we may not investigate the reason why we have little interaction with other people.
When medical industry abuses our rights - they will control us how to think and force us to be stuck with quick labels (hypercognition is called that process of quick judgements).
With trauma experience - our brain will try to block uncomfortable events and people out of our memory to protect us - so it may take some time to find the true reason why we isolate ourselves.
When we do not know what is the problem - we cannot find the solution.
When we are in a dark room - we will bump onto various objects there - and we can only avoid getting hurt while moving in dark room by bringing in the light.
As Plato discovered in his Cave hypothesis - sometimes this light is fake and it is projecting wrong explanations -
and that is why CBT is wrong, CBT and self help books will keep us in dark and shun wrong kind of light onto problems related to social anxiety issues.
----
" their own trauma or not, good people don't actively and willingly praise and foster a culture of personal attacks and direct intentional assaults on people's insecurities as being fun and harmless."
Yes.
topic here is exactly that:
what happens when good people are abused and bullied and cannot exit the abusive situation. What then?
Being in emotional abuse - it is producing mental after-effects: such as trauma.
Now we have unhealed and unprocessed trauma which re-surfaces as social anxiety symptoms.
The problem is this trauma stuck inside our body, inability to process it and inability to handle similar abusive predators in the present tense.
That is topic here. That is the subject when we talk about social anxiety- how to handle past abuse and present abuse.
Anything else - is not social anxiety.
----
" i've been told no one can tell i'm anxious in public, "
And other people's opinion does not matter really. Other people are not mind readers nor they have paranormal abilities to see the past - so whatever they say is projection of their own life - which has nothing to do with us and our conditions and issues. Even though they may diagnose and appear as opiniated and correct.
" i wouldn't even know it because i'm so caught up freaking out internally to process anything."
Yep.
That is the starting position of social anxiety or any issue with anxiety.
We are caught up like hamster in a wheel in worry cycle and we cannot step off the automatic pilot.
IT is like Sandra Bullock in 2013 sci fi movie - the scene where she is spinning without control in open space...
We got to find firm space.
We can take 20, 30 years to find root and some kind of firm position.
That is why I am writing here.
I want people not to waste 30 years of their life discovering how to stop uncontrollable spinning.
Trauma is the cause of social anxiety - that is the reason why we are caught up in freaking up internally - it is abuse. ACoA. Dysfunctional toxic narcissistic abuse ambient.
CBT will mislead us and self help industry too - they will explain to us that we are abnormal, that our brain is over sensitive and that we are hallucinating the freaking out.
Nope.
If we are merely caught up in freaking out - we would freak out all the time - not only in social settings.
Toxic people trigger our freaking out.
That is major clue that there is trauma, that the abuse is the cause of social anxiety - and it is not our hallucination.
---
We internalize other people due to External Referencing locus of control - or Trauma bonding.
That is how we taught to survive criticism and abuse in childhood - to internalize other people - then they would leave us alone, when we were obedient and not rocking the boat with our own ideas, opinions or needs and wants.
This is trauma.
You are describing trauma in all you comments and you still deny it.
Denying trauma is the part of the process.
Our brain, it is too painful to process the trauma and to admit that we were abused.
Instead of processing the stimuli data - we turn to social anxiety as a mechanism to cope with the pain and hurt which is unprocessed and stuck inside our body.
So we will tend to self pathologize ourselves and say that we are guilty, we are ashamed we are the ones who are "hyperaware" - without actually stating from whom we are hyper aware to?
We won't name toxic people as toxic.
We will tend to label them as "inconsiderate" and "socially unaware". almost apologetic and with negative politeness. Fawning is trauma response. It was mechanism how we survived the abuse and coercive control in childhood - and now as adults we repeat the pattern - only to be stuck with social anxiety as its byproduct of denial and suppression of trauma.
---
You don't want to go into labeling "evil" or "good". That itself is road to narcissism.
Instead of moral absolutism, we can actually be scientist and stating the facts, objective truth, rather than pushing cancel culture or narcissistic crusades against narcissists-
and that is:
1) they are mentally ill
or
2) they are abusers, predators, who use coercive control due to abuse in their childhood - either abandonment or pampering
---
(29.7.2023)
When parents aren't doing good job with their children falls under the category of ACE and ACoA even though there isn't alcohol abuse. In our early age - our brain needs to feel psychological safety - without it, we will be preoccupied with other people once we grow up.
We will tend to see the worse in people and expect perfectionism from them, as we were trained to do the same to our own brain and our own actions.
Social anxiety stems from trauma - and healing social anxiety issues starts with healing the trauma - and that means being able to process the stimuli data of outside world.
So for example - if we find ourselves in situation where we are stuck: like paying the debt due to irresponsible choices of our family members, and in the same time being in the unfavorable power dynamics such as toxic ambient of drugs and neo-nazis - it is no wonder that we feel social anxiety. Social anxiety is perfectly normal reaction to abnormal people and abnormal circumstances that we are inside of.
It is unreasonable then that we force ourselves to be friendly and to find friends - when obviously we can't due that due to lack of money and toxic ambient.
CBT and toxic society will place the blame on us - that we must socialize, that we must not be afraid, that social anxiety is abnormality and sickness and personality flaw and something to deny, destroy and be ashamed of - and this is the first step we can actually take: to own our social anxiety. To accept it as our own, as something that protects us while we are inside unfavorable power dynamics.
If we don't accept ourselves, we will add shame and pressure on top of the existing one, shame and pressure from ourselves through self blame and perfectionistic expectations of how we suppose to be strong and overcome problems by "socializing". We won't. We cannot pay off debt by being talkative and friendly and open to neo-nazis and toxic parents and drug abusers. We won't resolve our life by fawning to narcissistic abuse.
Our brain needs enough data to make better decisions for us.
Once our brain is validated as mechanism which we can rely on, we won't feel toxic shame any more. Our only ally in unfavorable power dynamics and toxic ambient is our own brain - so we need to feel security that we can rely on our own common sense, our own decisions, our own reactions, our own intuition about making sense of reality, resolving problems and issues in life.
We cannot do that is we deny trauma and we if do not give our brain enough data to process about.
We cannot do that if we rely on CBT and self help industry to mislead us in wrong direction by explaining that we are the cause of problem by being isolated and scared of people - who are abusers and neo-nazis and heroin abusers.
Our only legal weapon is to give our brain education about trauma and narcissistic abuse - instead of following CBT and self help explaining to us that we are to blame and that we are weak and that we must be "strong" by fixing ourselves.
If we are not serial killers, if we are not abusers, if we do not have hidden agenda to harm and cause pain to other people - there is nothing abnormal nor weak nor anything inside us that is broken that needs fixing. The problem lies in our environment and our focus must be in that direction, instead of self blame and denying trauma.
---
To continue:
So in any case - the trauma is by definition inability to process shocking people and difficult situations. We stay stuck inside it, with worry and intrusive thoughts about it - like in a hamster wheel that never ends revolving - we cannot make sense of situations and people who are too painful for us.
Another aspect is toxic shame - where taboo and difficult abusive people who cause harm and irrational narcissistic and harmful decisions in life - will tend to censor people who are aware of their criminal activities. So abusers will tend to shut up the whistleblowers, in dysfunctional families - we are scapegoats. This means we will be made to shut up about it and we won't be allowed to talk openly and freely about issues that are there. Like elephant in the room - nobody will see it in toxic ambient except the whistle-blower. And if we talk about it - often we will be labeled as over-sensitive, feminine, sissy, unmanly, weak, abnormal , non social or whatever shame label that there is.
So we can see that there are two elements which are happening here, there is a pattern to toxic people and toxic ambient:
that is silence and censorship in order not to process toxic people and their toxic criminal coercive control and toxic decisions.
Then it is clear what is our job once we understand the pattern of narcissistic abuse:
And that is to talk and write.
For example - I never knew that there is so much drug abuse and neo-nazis in California. In media we get the picture that California is hotbed of Democrats and liberal democracy.
So - obviously - your task is to talk about it and spread your side of story.
Start writing about it - it is what your job here is - that you educate others about the darkness and to describe what is inside the dark room - away from awareness of others.
The same process with our brain - when we deny trauma and suppress it - the brain cannot do anything about it.
So it is with oppression and abuse and toxic people - if you keep silent about it - there is nothing that other people can do anything about it. In most cases other people will self blame themselves and they will interpret neo-nazis as their own imagination and fantasy, something that they invented because of CBT explanation that all problems in life are our hallucinations and not real.
So make it real - talk about it freely.
You cannot go anywhere - since you do not have money - so your voice is the only thing to keep you floating on the surface.
And see what happens-
when we talk and express ourselves, when we are honest and authentic - and that is healthy and sane and normal - you will notice that toxic people will be triggered.
That is the clue that your social anxiety stems from such toxic people, who cannot handle the truth and real life-
Toxic people are narcissists - they live in delusional world, fantasy, and that is why they make wrong decisions in life - since they are basically having mild schizophrenia - they do not operate in reality.
They will be guided by dogma, trauma, prejudices, fears and anxieties which they block and deny and cannot cope with it -
so their choices in life will be based on fantasy and make believe world in their own brain.
So they will not take care of their child, they will take credit and create debt, they will abuse other people by becoming neo-nazis and they will take drugs to mood alter their emotions and toxic shame inside them and to calm the panic inside - which they feel anytime reality creeps in - when someone talks about truth and when someone is authentic and honest.
This is not what CBT and self help industry tells us. CBT and self help industry instructs us to self blame and self pathologize ourselves -and this way it will leads us in wrong direction of hiding the trauma and not talking about it, since problems now become our own, we internalize other people's evil as our own. And we shut up and self censor ourselves.
---
"There has to be a # 3 response......I just don't know what it is."
There isn't.
With malignant narcissists - they will destroy you for telling the truth.
So it is tricky.
We got to understand that narcissism is based on toxic shame and extremely fragile inner ego - which is on shaky foundations. This means any our activity and talking will shake them to the core - even though they present themselves as "strong" and alfa and super-confident and probably have a lot of money and gadgets and cars and jewelry whatever keeps their ego to be grand and appear spectacular to the public.
And we cannot change them - we cannot heal them, we cannot make them see reality, they are psychotic, they are in state of mild schizophrenia which is undiagnosed.
Our own desire to find the third way is fantasy. IT is sign we are codependent, and that we are trauma bonded with them. That is how narcissists operate - they hook other people - especially empathic, nice, kind, friendly, open people who are willing to help others and fix their problems free of charge by giving all our energy, focus and money. That is why they are parasites - they simply exploit our good will - which is normal and healthy when the other person is healthy and normal.
Narcissists aren't.
They are cancer of our society. The black hole - they suck anything that is near to them.
The same way there is no third way for storms - we basically cannot do anything to fix narcissists.
How we cope and manage and handle narcissists - is highly individual since there are plethora of narcissists. There are malignant ones (openly aggressive and hence very dangerous), there are covert types - which it takes years to discover what we are dealing with in the first place. There are communal narcissists - who will appear as helpers. There are borderliners - who are half baked narcissists and without education in narcissistic abuse are extremely difficult to discover. For each of the sub-types there are different ways how to cope with them - and as Vaknin said - we need to leave them. We cannot get involved with someone who is no longer with us.
"How to cope with a narcissist? The short answer is by abandoning him."
Sam Vaknin
Now I know what you are actually telling here.
You want to know how to handle narcissists when we are stuck with them and when we cannot leave.
I think the solution is the same as for Complex Trauma -
and that is education and total understanding about what is narcissism and abuse. And the "third response" has no shape nor step by step action plan. It is about knowing deeply how narcissists think - so that they do not brainwash us.
They have ability to entrain our brain, to make us dependent on them - because they exploit our natural human healthy desire to help others and not to make mistakes in life. They feed of our traits that make us civilized -
so any third reaction to narcissists will mean that we chip off our humanity and civilized moral and ethical standards - and that is slippery ground.
I would see the third reaction as combination of reaction and non-reaction.
That we get involved in their Karpman Drama Triangle but in the same time to dissociate and break away emotional connection to them.
That is done by speaking the truth and being authentic - without trying to change them or impose dogma on them.
That is temporary tool - and our ultimate goal must be leaving toxic people - once we sort financial status and papers and third parties (elderly , the weak, children, pets - whom we cannot leave in custody of abusers). And to talk about it, that we write and teach others about narcissistic abuse - since this is taboo and we live in toxic society where narcissism is confused with competency and being strong and capable.
---
You are imposing Moral relativism here. The negative side of Moral nihilism and making everything relative - is that tyrants are born in such apologetic ambient.
Abusers, psychopaths, sociopaths will simply exploit our desire for friendships and connections and resolving things and not rocking the boat and not to be unfair by giving labels and stigmatizing others.
That is why I would stick with talking about taboo subjects - and naming abusive behavior, not hiding it. Calling out the perpetrators and describing what they do, how they do their criminal activities and why they abuse others. And in the same time - being objective, without judgement, being scientific about it and naming the facts - what happened, when it happened and who done it and why.
For example, a lot of people call Johnny Depp as narcissists and his ex wife as victim.
But we can actually talk about what happened - and that is that Amber pooped in his bed and attacked him. She invented the abuse and make false claims in court to extort money from him.
Also - we can talk what happened with Johnny Depp - in 1993 he abused fashion model in some hotel in Italy. But that never repeated since 1993.
If we become Sherlock Holmes or observer in scientific lab experiment - where we pick up clues - we are observers of reality.
And that is something that narcissists hate.
Narcissists hate reality, they hate facts and objective truth - because they live in a fantasy, make believe world, kind of mild schizophrenia which is undiagnosed.
So your idea of shutting up and self censorship and not talking about things and people - is narcissistic itself.
Normal people can handle reality and process it.
Abnormal people are delusional and reality harms their fantasy so they live in dark and lies and silence.
The choice is ours - to talk and freely express facts and objective truth - once we get education in Coercive control and narcissistic abuse.
30.7.2023
We need ideas to keep us out of rut, immobility. If we cannot construct our future - we won't have any.
---
" the way you're doing it right now can cause more harm than good."
In what way?
CBT, self help industry is telling us that we are hallucinating the anxiety and that we are inventing being a victim? How is that better?
"it's the only way to have anxiety when it isn't."
You are mixing up terms here.
The topic here is Social anxiety.
IT is not self-anxiety. It is not general anxiety.
The topic is specific, it is crystal clear what kind of anxiety we are talking here.
It even has its definition which was refined since 1995:
Social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
Therefore, we have pretty much enough data to observe the source of anxiety.
About sources of anxiety I wrote and I made video called Social anxiety map - where I wrote multiple sources.
Primarily it is trauma, it is exposure to dysfunction even when there is no alcohol abuse. There is term called para-alcoholic where alcoholic abuse doesn't have to be present for alcoholic abuse to be there.
There is neurodiversity.
There is unknown factor.
---
"not been abused by our parents,"
Abuse is also abandonment, not mirroring child needs, not showing emotional regulation, expecting children to regulate them.
Trauma and abuse are not always as we see it in media and books - through violence and aggression.
Fear of criticism and negative evaluation cannot come out of its own. This must be taught in childhood - through example and how we were treated. This kind of fear is trauma, there had to be neglect of some sort, being unable to regulate themselves.
You said that your parent have raised debt that you must pay off. That is being financially irresponsible from them. Normal healthy people do not do that - they do not have children as trophy to show off to everyone and then have no money to support them. That is abuse, that is trauma - they are irresponsible, normal, sane, healthy adult does not do that.
Denial of trauma is the first step. The very fact that you deny the trauma - even thought you clearly have irresponsible parents is huge clue that your anxiety stems from ACoA even though there was no alcoholic abuse. There is toxic shame instead.
---
(31.7.2023)
What I see in this pattern of bullying and abuse - it is because we speak the truth and we notice the truth.
There are a lot of fake people out there.
A lot of narcissists.
A lot of borderliners.
A lot of anxious people who learned to deal with their anxiety by attacking other people who are kind and nice and who would not attack them back - in any shape or form.
As Sinead O'Connor said:
"Speaking the truth means digging your own grave.".
Social anxiety comes down to fear of hatred from others.
CBT and DSM will explain us that we are afraid of criticism and negative evaluation - which is literal official definition of social anxiety. This definition will scare us and make us immobile and passive and condition us into learned helplessness - we will accept this fake definition and we will make ourselves into victim, with new sets of fears and toxic shame - which is now done by medical industry, CBT.
In reality -
we are afraid of expressing OUR OWN criticism and negative evaluation by others who are unfair and aggressive. This is due to exposure to dysfunction in childhood where we were scapegoats - someone who noticed the distortion in toxic ambient and talked about it. So we were punished for talking.
Now as adults we are afraid of expressing and talking about the truth and objective facts - that is social anxiety - and that is clue where we need to go to heal our trauma.
That we abandon toxic people and toxic ambient instead of CBT advice to expose ourselves to abusers and be assertive with them.
Being assertive with pathological liars will keep us trapped inside Karpman Drama Triangle viscious cycles of abuse: enable/ignore red flags - honeymoon period - discard phase.
---
YT "The Social Anxiety Dilemma
"
"I hate being alone"
This is universal feeling. IT is not pathology and it is not endemic to social anxiety. IF we personalize and see life from egocentric point of view, we will tend to self blame ourselves for being abused and for being in toxic ambient. Like we are alone - so therefore we must force ourselves to be around narcissists and psychopaths, because being alone is somehow social anxiety and we hate being alone, so we must please our emotions and let our emotions to guide us and make decisions for us in life. That is though-emotion fusion and it leads to mental illness and borderline issues - where our emotions will be our captain of our own ship.
If we are alone - this is not our fault.
"When I'm around people I'm nervous"
HEre is over-generalization - like all people are all the same. Typical for traumatized brain to think this way - that we are alone and therefore abnormal but other people are happy and sane and perfect - so when we feel nervous around them - this is because of social anxiety and it is abnormality.
That kind of thinking where we continually fuse emotions with traits of our character is what CBT is doing to us - all industry self help books - they are misleading us to believe that we are hallucinating social anxiety and that toxic people do not exist.
And that it is our responsibility to fix other people by hanging around them and controlling our normal reactions to abnormal people by self pathologizing our normal reactions to psychopaths.
Instead of CBT -learn more about Complex Trauma and ACoA and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and Neurodiversity.
Education is our only weapon against these wrong and misleading messages from CBT and DSM which are doing incredible psychological damage to anyone feeling socially anxious after being bullied and abused by abnormal people around them.
---
"I feel like someone is watching me
"
If you actually start to write your feelings - you would actually see like with a microscope - other issues as well behind it.
Like abuse,
trauma,
self pathology,
self flaggelation,
worry,
PureOCD intrusive worry,
fear of hatred,
fear of expressing your own criticism and negative evaluation.
fear of warning and alerting other people when they are pushing you around,
and then you will notice that none of those cannot be healed by exposure - since problem is toxic shame. It is not problem with weak will.
---
YT "Social anxiety at the weirdest times🫠
"
Trauma triggers.
It means there are trigger situations, people and events that trigger the original trauma that is hidden and stuck inside our body.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma, and it stems from exposure to Dysfunctional ACoA ambient while growing up: constant relentless criticism instead of acceptance and validation of our psyche which was in its developmental stage and suppose to receive psychological safety as kids.
---
He did not do it.
HE is white, heterosexual entitled privileged because he has white genitalia between his legs.
THis means - he won't be mocked, put down as all others will be.
HE will be more likely to be accepted at any job he applies - because of his pee pee skin color. Not because he is special or because of abilities or because he is more stronger of more confident. He is simply privileged and entitled as white heterosexual male in toxic society world we live in.
----
"My personal Reason turned out to be my genetics "
Social anxiety is not something we are born with.
We are born only with two fears: loud noises and falling.
Fear of criticism and negative evaluation is not fear we are born with.
And it is not fear at all- it is trauma.
Trauma and fear appear the same to CBT and uneducated eyes. But they are crucially different.
When you internalize BS that DSM put in your head, you will develop additional issues which were not there before.
Please educate yourself more- to fight egocentrism and narcissists in medical industry who are misleading us with wrong explanations- for the sake of profitmaking on other people's traumas.
---
That is actually not bad idea.
When we expose more - we will understand that:
1) social anxiety will not go away with exposure
2) that toxic people cause and trigger social anxiety
3) that social anxiety is not problem with weak will or personality issue. The problem lies in external factor: narcissistic abuse and psychopaths around us - whom we can notice quickly due to exposure to toxic ambient while growing up
----
YT "No wonder it's called an invisible illness
"
Social anxiety is Complex trauma, it is the same as Emotional Dysregulation, it is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, it is the same as after-effects of verbal / emotional / psychological abuse, it is after effect of ACoA and Dysfunctional ambient while growing up.
---
YT "How to overcome social anxiety. #hypnotherapy #socialanxiety #socialphobia #hypnotherapist #shorts
"
Without social anxiety we won't have alarm system inside us which warn us against covert narcissists who appear as friends and help to us.
There are plethora of toxic people who take advantage of us and hurt us without knowing - and the only clue to know is our own emotions and feelings.
Smothering down emotions leads to mental illness.
---
YT "If You Have Social Anxiety Watch This Video - Jordan Peterson #shorts"
He is alcoholic and mentally ill.
Socially anxious already look at other people - due to trauma that caused social anxiety in the first place.
They are microscopically zoomed onto and into other people - looking for any clue of potential abuse, looking at expression of face, tone of voice.
So he is full of BS and spreads mis-information.
---
YT "Social Anxiety Disorder - SAD"
"People with SAD have strong fear of being judged by others and of being embarrassed"
Nope.
That is CBT misleading explanation which was based on faulty research in 1990s where they interviewed narcissists, borderliners and shy people who were all mimicking social anxiety.
In reality -
social anxiety is fear of expressing OWN judgement of others and fear of embarrassing others for their being intrusive and unkind by talking truth about what they have done.
CBT's wrong explanation puts us into victim mentality position where we are being told that toxic people do not exist and that we are hallucinating their abuse.
"People with SAD afraid of doing common things in front of other people"
Due to trauma ACE ACoA trauma dysfunctional ambient while growing up when they were being exposed to criticism all the time about imperfections which are normal for kids who are learning about life.
Without highlighting trauma - we will self pathologize ourselves. So CBT is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone with social anxiety.
"Very self conscious, frightened other people will judge you, worry before social event"
Trauma.
"Stay away from places, hard time making friends, difficulty talking"
Trauma.
"Blush, sweat, tremble, noxious, sick to stomach, faster heart beat, shaky"
Trauma.
"Symptoms often develop during demanding situations or times intense stress"
This is misleading information.
This will pathologize any stress situation as social anxiety - where we will now be afraid of everything that is hard in life.
This is how CBT is doing incredible psychological damage - because of hypercognition and fast labeling and stigmatizing anything that moves.
In reality - social anxiety develops only in social situations where we are scared of being criticized for something you can't control. Read that again.
There is always narcissistic toxic person who blames and quickly judge other people for random errors which person cannot even control. That is social anxiety. IT is not fear of hard situations and hard moments in life. Instead social anxiety is triggered by psychopathic abuse.
"Exact cause is unknown"
ACoA.
"Why some family members have it"
ACoA.
"Parts of brain are involved with fear"
Emotions are not sick nor abnormal.
"Result of negative life experience"
ACoA.
"Risk factors - increase a chance of medical condition. SAD triggered of work demands, date, presentation"
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
"Raised by controlling protective parent increase social anxiety"
ACoA.
"Gender - females have more, males less report"
White heterosexual privilege entitlement for males make anxiety less to occur.
"Diagnosis"
DSM is dogma, set of statistical paradoxes and statistical errors and statistical misinterpretations. It is based on someone's (pharma making profits) moral absolutism, it is not based on science.
"Talk therapy, CBT"
Humanistic psychology only works for social anxiety issues.
"Learn social skills"
Socially anxious already have social skills: empathy and ability to put themselves on other people shoes easily due to own panic issues.
"Beta blockers"
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
"CBT"
is ableist therapy. IT must be banned, it is doing incredible psychological damage by wrong explanations.
Things not mentioned in video:
- Neurodiversity. Just because our brain is not working as neurotypical brain - this does not mean it is abnormal nor sick
- Narcissistic abuse. It causes social anxiety. Social anxiety is not hallucination - it is reaction to toxic people who are mostly covert and hidden by CBT instruction to build fake social mask.
---
YT "Social Anxiety and Emotional Regulation connection #socialanxiety"
Avoidance protects us from toxic people, corruption and crime and femicide.
CBT must be banned - it is doing incredible psychological damage and misleads people into wrong direction of own demise.
---
It is incredible that there are tons of social anxiety videos - and they receive 10 views and 2 comments max.
Yet a heterosexual white privilege entitled person makes social anxiety video and it has 13k views, 400 comments.
And he is condescending, his white heterosexual genitalia is making his life easier - he will get job easier because of being born with white str8 pee pee - and he is talking to us that we are hallucinating social anxiety - after we have been abused for not being in his privilege entitled born skin.
We live in toxic world where values are demented.
---
YT "3 Tips to Reduce Social Anxiety
"
"Imagine dance lessons"
Social anxiety is caused and triggered by bullying and mobbing.
How exactly will CBT explanation of imagining waltz help when someone is screaming and yelling at us ?
---
YT "Coping with Social Anxiety
"
Creativity is attacked first in ACoA (cause of social anxiety).
Like Sinead O'Connor: she expressed herself and toxic society and fascists/narcissists attacked her.
We will naturally tap into creativity as soon as we heal trauma.
We developed social anxiety because in early age we were being ashamed and punished for having open mind - where toxic people around us were triggered by our creativity.
We won't be creative if we are inside toxic ambient - narcissistic abuse - where psychopaths are draining our energy and cause us to focus on their invented never-ending drama and their hysteria which borderliners, narcissists and Machiavellians create all the time.
---
YT "#anxiety #socialanxiety #autistic"
It is not fear.
it is trauma.
We are being mislead by CBT into victim mentality and exposure exercises - which will only place us into jaws of narcissistic abuse which caused social anxiety in the first place.
----
YT "The Cycle of Social Anxiety and Loneliness #shorts"
When we fuse our emotions with our self worth (I am lonely = I am pathetic) this is called Thought-Emotion Fusion and it leads to mental illness.
Emotions are fleeting, they are not the same as our persona nor our trait who we are.
---
YT "The celebration after exposure therapy #anxiety #socialanxiety"
Expose to narcissistic abuse to become strong?
IT doesn't work that way in real life.
---
YT "My Social Anxiety battle! I am pushing myself slowly!
"
CBT and DSM are misleading us. These are American industry brainwashing techniques to extort money from traumatized Americans.
Social anxiety is not issue of weak will nor battle as CBT portrays social anxiety. Social anxiety is not that we are broken and that we must become perfect in order to comply to someone's high standards of socializing.
Social anxiety is trauma, being exposed to narcissistic abuse during childhood and CPTSD is banned in CBT world or pharma mafia greed. CPTSD is recognized by WHO's ICD-11 which is not governed by mafia as medical industry is in USA.
Exposure will not make social anxiety go away - because it is trauma being stuck inside our body.
We need to heal trauma - and then exposing will come on its own naturally - it will be based on our goals and needs and priorities - emotions will not guide our life as CBT is instructing us.
Trauma and exposure to ACoA criticism in childhood make us being afraid of expressing ourselves and expressing our own criticism and negative evaluation when someone narcissistic is abusing us and expecting us to control something which is outside of our control - as we learned in dysfunction that it is our responsibility to fix other people and everyone's problems in life.
CBT will make us brainwash and hypnotzed that we are afraid of walking and talking and being out there.
Nope. We are traumatized into fear of defending ourselves. That is social anxiety. Not fear of people as themselves. IT is fear of creating boundaries and expressing our boundaries and exposing other people's rudeness out loud.
---
"I'm legally disabled because of social anxiety. Tell me how it's not a disorder again?"
Disorder is stigma - it means that you are abnormal psychopaths.
ARe you?
If you are not serial killer - there is no disorder.
IF you do not have hidden agenda to harm of cause pain to other people - there is no disorder.
IF you are not anti-social and you do not actively harm and cause pain and torture, extort nor exploit other people - there is no disorder.
When you label yourself as disorder - you will start to believe in this CBT label, and then you will start to be victim, have victim mentality and be caught in Karpman Drama Triangle where you are always disorder and other people must rescue you or argue with you - which you will interpret as attack because you believe yourself to be disordered.
If you are not Putin or Trump - there is nothing abnormal, disordered in your brain that is abnormal, sick or pathological.
CBT American medical pharma mafia is making huge money profit by fusing our abuse experience and socio -economic status into feelings and emotions and self worth about who we are as a person - this way we are easily to control and milked - even if we do not live in USA.
You are not your condition.
You as person has nothing to do what happened to you or what was done to you.
You are not your pain,
You are not your condition,
You as person is what you do to others.
---
I think he was brainwashed into victim mentality and feeling sorry for himself in order to gain sympthy from others. and that other do not bully him anymore.
Unfortunately narcissists and bullies are EXCATLY attracted to such belief which CBT is brainwashing us to believe: that we are disorder if we do not comply to ableist neurotypical white heterosexual wealthy stereotype entitled privileged male ideal.
---
The purpose of psychology is that you become your own hero- and not that you make other people into cult leaders to be codependent on.
---
(1.8.2023)
YT "Creating Safety from a Psychodynamic Trauma Informed Perspective Counselor Education"
""You left out the 5th F: fawn/friend. Thats my go to behavior. Can you address how to resolve this issue?"
She can't.
Fawning is related to unfavorable Power Dynamics and this is where contemporary psychology stops.
Psychology can offer surface level information about Fawning - which will never work or help in real life.
Psychology, psychiatry can only help to person struggling with emotions - whereas Fawning is protective behavior not related to our brain, not related to how our thoughts function, it is not personal issue. Problem is outside of our brain.
Fawning is direct protection against extremely dangerous external factor: psychopaths, narcissists, sociopaths.
Why? Well:
- Some of them cause Femicide when their woman stands up and when woman is healthy and taking healthy actions.
- Some of us get fired from a job when we stand up for ourselves - which is great problem if we live in poor country where finding another job is not easy. Then being healthy and sane means tolerating abuse and bullying and mobbing - unless we become invalid immobile homeless person without money and hence rent to pay.
- Some of us get backstabbed when we are healthy and sane and when we express ourselves and when we notice criminals and corruption - without knowing that bad things that are happening are the result of covert abuse that goes behind our back - we won't know what hit us.
Psychology cannot answer to these problems - since we cannot control other people being evil and their OWN choice in choosing to be evil to the other people.
It is ethically and morally wrong to control and manipulate other people - and since we do not have supernatural powers to read other people minds - we cannot know why they behave in evil ways. Do they have trauma? Are their brain is abnormal? Is there some unknown factor that today's technology cannot discover which is compelling them to be evil? So basically CBT is doing this unethical and immoral approach where CBT is manipulating and controlling us through ABC method - where we are being explained that our explanations are the cause of all problems and that toxic people do not exist. That is why Dr Snipes says in the title that she is Trauma informed - which means she recognizes the toxic psychiatry of CBT.
Therapist who are not trauma informed - like CBT - are basing their therapy on abuse, manipulation and control of person who is traumatized and seek information about Fawning issues. And CBT is doing ethically and morally wrong actions when CBT tells us that we must expose and fix our brain, and that we are abnormal for feeling panic when we are around toxic and dangerous narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths - who are mostly covert and appear as safe sane and normal to third parties.
HealthyGammer video about unfavorable power dynamics said that in situations where we are oppressed - there is nothing that psychology can do for us here - since this is not psychological problem at all. Once I wrote this problem to Richard Grannon - he answered me that this is not problem of psychology and narcissism from psychology perspective - this fawning that we do is reaction to someone who is psychopath, sociopath in some kind of power position over us.
The oppressor is sick and abnormal - and such evil person must choose on his own to seek therapy, and to recognize that he is mentally ill and abnormal. Anything else is abuse - when we force evil person to change - we become abusers ourselves. This theme was covered in Clockwork Orange movie and book.
Goodness is chosen. When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man.
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
Of course we can leave and exit abusive people - we all know this is the way to handle evil people - however in real life - this is very often impossible due to lack of money, paper work, third party (elderly, children to take care of).
Today's society is based on white heterosexual entitled privileged patriarch system - which means when someone is evil - that is society's problem. The system is set up to dogma where being vulnerably is perceived as abnormality and being sissy, something shameful, non manly. In the same time someone aggressive rude and dangerous is perceived as competent and strong and as a leader. Which of course is not true - we have seen that Rush Stockton aggressive stance lead to implosion of his magical submarine for which he rejected any criticism and feedback that carbon fibre cannot withstand deep sea pressure and it is lethal. In todays society - almost anyone in leader position is behaving like him because toxic society supports criminals and abusers and mentally ill people who are basically evil. So our fawning is a symptom of toxic system that we live in. Toxic system needs fixing -
which would be that narcissists are screened for NPD - which can be done with todays technology - NPD can be easily detected with brain scan. The same as we do not allow pedophilias to work in kindergarten, the same way anyone with detected NPD must never work with people or be in any kind of authority position. If they are in such position .- they will cause mentally illness in other people.
'Otto F. Kernberg suggested that narcissistic disorders of character are foundation of most mental health problems. If we understand disturbances in narcissism we would probably find a theory of everything'
YT Richard Grannon & Prof. Sam Vaknin about Fantasy
and
Narcissist Personality Disorder
One of the few conditions where the patient is left alone and everyone else is treated.
(PierceTheDarkness)
So in order that psychology involves Fawning and correct approach how to handle Fawning as trauma response - this actually needs to elevate psychology to the next level - where neurodiversity is not only recognized but also handled without abusing anyone in the process. This is impossible with todays laws and conservatives who are not educated in trauma and who push old beliefs and dogma about privilege and entitlement of white heterosexual males as our gods which we must serve and obey like we are sheep.
Actually this is the central focus on my blog and reddit writings related to what I call is social anxiety (where social anxiety is the same as Emotional Dysregulation concept, CPTSD, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, after-effects of being mentally abused, ACoA and ACE dysfunction exposure while growing up - these are all one and the same concepts).
I am focused on this issue of Fawning and toxic society - and oppression where our own psychology reactions clash with external factor: toxic and evil people in authority who directly influence our well being and psychological safety. It is like yin yang - two opposing systems which can never mix yet they are intermixed and en-mashed in the same time.
What I have learned until now is that it is crucial that we express ourselves and talk - and that we keep being active as much as we can.
In case where other person can persecute us for exposing their criminal activities such as Coercive control which is causing our Fawning reaction - we can write - anything to get words out about what is happening. Without expressing - our brain will not have capacity to handle and process information and it will tend to create trauma, blockage and debilitating immobility.
Also I learned it is important that we are active as much as we can - and this goes further than DBT opposite reaction. DBT (third wave of ableist CBT) is instructing us that we react to evil and abusive people - and this makes us trauma bonded with evil people who are causing the fawning.
The better approach is that we go with Humanistic psychology approach - where our desires and goals are our compass about decisions to take in life - not our reactions to evil people.
The only "cure" for fawning is to stop self blame and to do everything we can to leave toxic ambient and toxic people - to make it into life project if we are unable to leave right away (due to lack of money, third party such as taking care of someone, bureaucracy red tape issues).
---
YT "Creating Safety from a Psychodynamic Trauma Informed Perspective Counselor Education"
52:48 "She'd recognize this is similar to times in my past when I was little and I would get beaten. However what's different in this situation? I am in my own house, I am safe now, I am an adult, there's nobody that is going to beat me and encouraging her to notice what was similar and triggering, but also what was different. Recognizing there is part of her that is wounded child but how are you different now? Not subject to stay in situation she is being abused."
I believe in 99 percent of people who seek psychology help related to anxiety, panic and feeling un-safety, non-safety is related to being trapped in situations as adults where they cannot protect themselves from evil people and their abuse. Oppression situations.
They do not have basic Maslow needs met - such as financial independence - as owning own home. There is no security in money to know if they leave mobbing toxic job that they can support themselves in period when being jobless.
---
""Why let it control you?"
1) It is automatic - there is no space to react, like implosion of carbon fibre under deep pressure
2) People have no education in trauma so they have no idea what they feel - only after effects
3) People operate under the veil, under hypnosis, under programming due to exposure to dysfunctional childhood such as relentless criticism while growing up 24/7
4) People are exposed to Coercive control by psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists and predators use various techniques such as pathological lying, gaslighting, hoovering, hovering, honeymoon phases
---
(2.8.2023)
We are being literally gaslighted by CBT and DSM. Corrupt medical industry is describing our experience of being abused and bullied as personal defect. That is narcissistic abuse itself.
---
Harper Daniels and all of the self help industry is doing incredible psychological damage - since it totally ignores NPD and coercive control - and instead it plagues person with self blame and fixing own brain after the abuse. The same thing happens with CBT.
---
YT "you'll realize it was an illusion all along || @CrazyCreators28 ||"
Nope.
What you will realize that it was not fear as CBT falsely mislead us into brainwashing to become slaves to corporations.
Instead of fear - it is trauma. And fear and trauma appear the same - but they have one huge difference: that trauma lingers and it returns as nightmares, triggers, diseases related to immunity.
---
YT "Confrontation Avoidance. #ocdrecovery #anxietyrecovery"
Assertive is also myth. IT does not exist.
When we have "balanced approach" and when we confront - the other person has NPD and that person lives in delusions and paranoia fantasy - so anything we say out is like talking to a wall.
Therefore being assertive is like talking to a wind/wall. In fact it is worse - since the information we give out will be used against us by predators.
Any confrontation will happen when someone is crossing boundaries of common sense - so such person if it repeated regularly - is anti-social and unable to find solutions, learn from errors. Instead such person will blame and shift blame onto us.
---
YT "Dissociation feels like this… #youtubeshortsvideo #dissociation #trauma #ptsd #cptsd #memory #stress"
I have learned to my surprise - that dissociation is actually quite common - and practically all people are doing it.
IT is basically mood altering techniques - that we have learned in childhood and repeat it as adults.
So for example in ACoA ACE experience - we will tend to develop PureOCD intrusive worries and self blaming, and being human-doing, perfectionist and codependent - all actions to self regulate and dissociate away from triggers in such way : to worry, to be hyperalert, to believe our worth is equal to what we do, that we fix other people's moods and depend on their approval and decisions and perspectives which they impose onto us to follow and accept without protest.
It helps to handle coercive control.
And it is dissociation - but it will appear as normal thing, which we have done since childhood - that we worry and that we work a lot to avoid any mistakes and errors and feel hyper responsible for other people's anger.
---
It is amazing that anyone who's been through verbal, emotional and psychological abuse over long period of time such as childhood - will show the same symptoms as ADHD.
---
YT "Struggling to sit still or through a movie because of hyper vigilance #mentalhealth #cptsd"
We are not being explained by CBT and DSM (which are anti-ADHD ableist industry) how exposure to ACoA ACE experiences in childhood will end up with symptoms of ADHD: mostly Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
CBT bans Complex Trauma due to corruption of pharma mafia, while WHO's ICD-11 recognized CPTSD.
---
YT "CPTSD & The Power of "No"
We need to explore why?
Why we don't say No?
IT is due to Coercive control. Narcissistic abuse.
Not because we lack some magic self-help technique.
We are being punished when we say no by toxic people. Usually we don't have our Maslow Needs met - and then we will be codependent to toxic people, toxic habits, toxic jobs, toxic ambient - and we won't be able to say No - or otherwise through domino effect we will lose those small Maslow Needs we have - like home, job income.
For men coercive control is mysterious - since men are already inside programming of white heterosexual privileged entitled predators with society that gives priority to men who are heterosexual and white.
So for example, when white heterosexual make say No - such person may get fired from the job HOWEVER due to toxic patriarchal society - such man will find job much easier than the rest of population. Even moreso, this new job will be paid much more than for the rest of population. Society will regard white heterosexual male as competent, especially he expresses anger and society will not bully or criticize him. All the rest will be pushed around and not being respected.
So to explain that we are abnormal and to become aware and that CBT crap advice about power of will and being "strong" - is really victim shaming and victim blaming.
Instead of faulty CBT explanation that we are weak and that we must be strong - I would rather focus on Jane Elliot Brown Eye Blue Eye exercise from 1969 - and that we actually see that people pleasing is coping mechanism against sick toxic society in which we live in.
I believe all CPTSD and psychological issues which empaths and HSPs struggle with - are not related to personal fault or abnormality - but it is fault in toxic shaming abusive society.
---
YT "The Healing of Shame Is Really An Awakening To Self-Valuing"
Self acceptance is a paradox - since it means accepting our toxic shame - and toxic shame is anti-everything, which annihilates the True self.
I see it as yin yang, dualism and
it is philosophical battle between moral absolutism and moral relativism.
---
"Psychiatrists and psychologists do this too. They have a bias towards you as "you are the one with mental health issues""
CBT, DSM are doing incredible psychological damage by victim blaming and ABC method where we pacify and enable predators' abuse.
On the other hand Humanistic psychology and Anti-psychiatry are anti-dote to ableist CBT.
---
Whistleblowers are continually being labeled and misdiagnosed by CBT and DSM as being borderline - while in reality they are truth tellers and they expose narcissistic abusers.
It is much easier to shut up and to scapegoat the morally and ethically person as crazy, than to deal with evil people in powerful positions.
Read: Martha Mitchel Effect.
---
What if you live in shame culture country and you have literally no safe place to run but it is toxic everywhere?
--
"Now that you can name it, you can tame it"
Trauma doesn't work that way unfortunately. The problem is not in the logic, or will power, as CBT tries to mislead us.
Trauma means it is shock energy stuck in our body that was never absorbed, processed nor dissolved - and this processing cannot be done with logic.
In fact, instructing someone that they can heal their trauma away by awareness does more damage than good- since panic will resurface over and over again and we won't know why this happens.
IT is great to be trauma informed - but that is only half of the battle.
---
"Being an introvert isn’t to do with feeling anxiety/hypervigilance"
On target!
This is so common with social anxiety, standard confusion.
There are bunch of shy people who think that social anxiety is shyness.
OR bunch of both introverts and extroverts who believe that social anxiety is introversion. Then they tell to socially anxious people - just get over it, it is easy, just expose and fear will go away on its own.
IT won't since it is not fear at all - it is complex trauma and exposure makes it worse - since we have no natural protection against narcissistic abuse. Our natural immunity against predators was rendered useless after exposure to ACoA ACE abuse in childhood - and now we are stuck with social anxiety trauma - which uneducated society in general explains away as introversion and shyness.
---
"Social anxiety is a disorder"
Nope.
Narcissistic abuse is the only disorder that there is. Our coping actions are not disorder at all.
IF you believe in CBT brainwashing - you will create disorder, mental illness and toxic shame. Which you will try to overcome by becoming narcissists (by building fake mask, fake self).
" it has genetic risk factors,"
We are born with two fears: fear of falling and fear of sudden noise.
We are not born with fear trauma of criticism and negative evaluation. This is programmed into us during narcissistic abuse.
" it’s harder to access companionship"
It's harder because society is glorifying narcissism. Personality traits low on agreeableness and openness lead to narcissistic disorder - and these traits are opposite to empaths and HSPs who suffer mostly from social anxiety issues - caused by predators.
" People have lost their social safety nets."
Corrupt Corporations, patriarchy, toxic masculinity and crooked crony capitalism destroyed that social connection.
---
(3.8.2023)
Labeling something as normal is dogma and it is a sign of delusions.
Educated grown up person would never have crazy making ideas of the past like Crusades against what is "abnormal" and then trying to chase what is "normal". That idea of quick bias and prejudice is egocentrism, toxic shame, narcissism, mental illness.
Egocentrism is Piaget's child development last stage of growing up.
A full grown adult person who is stuck in egocentrism is paradoxically abnormal.
---
YT "What I DIDN'T know about Emotional Self-Regulation"
I would like to add that Emotional Regulation can be weaponized against ourselves. (as any other psychological concept).
IT is important to note that if we are dysregulated - it is not our fault, and it is not sign that we are abnormal, that it is our fault and that we must be numbed down and that our emotions must be denied and suppressed. Suppression of emotions leads to mental illness, it is dissociation and denying emotions is dysfunctional defense mechanism - which we run to as kids trapped in dysfunction of ACE and ACoA. So if we make Emotional dysregulation into belief that it means that we must become zombie and perfectionist corporation slave - we won't regulate anything - we will create mental illness instead.
Instead of CBT idea that we must have fake persona of narcissistic grandeur - someone who is always "strong" and superior to others -the correct approach is embracing our imperfections and relying on our brain that we trust our own education and experience and all collected knowledge - instead of observing our reaction to abnormal events and abnormal people as wort to remove.
4:15 "Unless living in war torn country there aren't much daily situations that will kill us"
This statement is incorrect.
Emotional dysregulation appears as direct reaction to narcissistic abuse.
Long term exposure to narcissistic abuse causes brain injury. Exposure to narcissistic abuse causes auto-immune diseases, suicidal ideations - so the very fact that we experience Emotional Dysregulation is the proof that something covert around us is extremely dangerous, life threatening.
If we explain away our natural and normal panic reactions as abnormal and hallucination - as ableist CBT tries to convince us, we will develop personality disorder and mental illness.
That is because we won't trust our own brain and our own judgement - and that is gaslighting in narcissistic abuse - the goal here is to distrust our ability to make decisions and conclusions about the life. Then other person, predator - has open borders to control and manipulate us with pathological lying and twisting reality: explanations such as "we are over-sensitive" and pathological lying such as "they never said this or that" even though there is solid proof.
4:40 "Our emotional nervous system doesn't need to fire up as we were as caveman"
That is exactly the problem for anyone grown through ACE and ACoA - they suppressed their emotions in order not to errupt as narcissists, who is nothing else but a primitive cavemen easily triggered by slightest chip off their narcissistic delusions which they believe in.
Anyone struggling with emotional dysregulation already DO regulate themselves - through self blame and suppressing emotions. We do not need to suppress any more than we already doing it. Since it is harmful to begin with.
Unless we are serial killers, unless we have short fuse and go to Fight response, when we are not anti-social and have no hidden agenda to harm and cause pain to other people even when they attack us - there is nothing abnormal inside us that needs nitpicking.
Instead we need encouragement and validation and acceptance and even learning how to explode like caveman in situations when our life is really in danger.
Emotional dysregulation is equal to Social anxiety - it is equal to Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, it is the same as Toxic shame internalized, it is the same as after effects of living in dysfunctional ambient while growing up (ACE. ACoA).
5:31 "We have far more resources"
Nope. Anyone struggling with emotional dysregulation who is not engaging in Fight response - is HSP and empath - and such person most probably will not have primary Maslow needs met - such as home, security and financial freedom. Due to exposure to ACoA in childhood - they are codependent and have complex trauma fears which CBT labels away and dismiss easily as mere fears. So anyone with emotional dysregulation issues - do not have resources. Not only that they do not have normal and basic resources as entitled and privileged groups would have - they are programmed and abused into Learned Helplessness where they are taught to self sabotage and have no education how to take care of themselves. Instead of own well being, emotionally dysregulated victims of abuse are taught to take care of loud and obnoxious toxic people who abuse them in return, fixing their emotions and moods.
5:45 "it is safer"
It is safer only for white heterosexual entitled privileged class born with silver spoon in their mouth. For anyone else it is not safer at all.
You are setting up CBT brainwash belief that we are hallucinating our emotional dysregulation. That is extremely toxic CBT crap that is doing incredible psychological damage and serves only pharma mafia to make money on other people's trauma. Please revise and reject CBT, it is narcissistic ableist tool to secondary abuse victims of abuse.
---
YT "A Journey Towards self regulation| Episode 2| The 6 steps towards Emotional self regulation"
"recognition, tune in your body. What sensations make you feel"
Nope. This didn't help me at all. Tried it for 15 years - this does not help at all to regulate panic, anxiety, fears.
I am not sure that it is safe to self blame our panic and focus on it- instead of processing toxic people and corrupt ambient around as as trigger of our panic.
"Learning to label our emotions with nuance can be comforting"
There is danger though: hyper-cognition. Where we start to stick label, wrong descriptions on emotions and that ends up as full blown panic - due to wrong explanations, misdiagnosis.
"Emotions are messengers, they give us message"
I agree with this. IT is like in American sci-fi movie from 2016 "The Arrival"
Plot: "Louise Banks, a linguistics expert, along with her team, must interpret the language of aliens who have come to Earth in a mysterious spaceship."
"Context, what brought on this feeling"
The trigger.
IT is always narcissistic abuse. Usually covert. There is someone who feels entitled to cross boundaries and unwritten social contract and hence cause panic inside us. Like being rude and aggressive towards us.
"Acceptance"
leads to enabling the abuse and abusers to keep on abusing and bullying us.
"Emotions rise and go" "Many feelings can exist at the same time"
Then we end up with hypervigilance and Complex trauma -where we are afraid of experiencing panic uncomfortable feelings in the future. This explanation does not help at all - it sets us to to worry and get stuck in amygdala forever, in survival mode where we expect the next wave of panic and dysregulation.
Your basic message of the video is CBT nonsense: that we are hallucinating the abuse, "it was all a dream" scenario, and that abuse does not exist and that toxic people nor coercive control does not exist - and that we must allow for abuse to stay and that we are fawning to toxic people and narcissistic abuse.
If we are bullied at work we really cannot take day off each day.
IF we live in poor corrupt country - all job are toxic and bullying and abuse is present at any job. Figuring our emotions will not help with the legalized abuse which is not sanctioned by toxic society and pathocracy which supports abuse of workers.
---
YT "Learning Emotional Self Regulation can really help with Anxiety #short"
HSPs, empaths already do self censor and suppress a lot. More of dissociation and suppressing of emotions will build up into mental illness.
Please refer away from CBT, it is doing incredible psychological damage to victims of abuse and mobbing and bullying.
If we react with panic and anxiety - this is not hallucination and it is after effect of being exposed to covert psychopaths, narcissists and all kinds of predators - and it is not our fault or blame or shame to react with emotions to abnormal scum.
---
YT "In The Assertive Voice I Can Make You Dumber"
IT is narcissistic abuse. Narcissists are preoccupied with making subordinates to build up their shaky ego.
Toxic society mix up glib charm with competence and being "strong".
Then we end up with criminals in charge and world polluted and destroyed by mafia in authority.
---
"The most valuable short I’ve ever seen"
Teaching young narcissists how to parasite over traumatized victims of ACE and ACoA experience. Codependency orgy.
This assertive voice will work only with traumatized children who were exposed to narcissistic parent while growing up and their self worth being destroyed.
---
YT "Gotta get out of your Comfort Zone (motivational metal) #shorts #metalhead #comfortzone
"
Titan passengers also went outside of their comfort zone - and then they imploded and are dead now because they trusted mentally ill person who appeared strong and macho.
---
IF you label something as "comfort zone" - you will limit your mind with all kinds of unnecessary worry and fears, you will hypnotize yourself into OCD and mental illness.
---
Third world countries are not in comfort zone - and they suffer in corruption and pollution and abuse.
---
YT "GROWTH is OUTSIDE your COMFORT ZONE"
Toxic shame propel us to feel empty and that we must manically avoid Fear of missing out and seek for acceptance.
Mental illness hides itself away in various delusional beliefs and comfort zone dogma is one of them.
---
YT "Gaslighting By What Is NOT Said. Invisible Gaslighters.
""
"To define gaslighting: is severe mental health condition in which a person identifies with a serious problem, a debilitating problem, characteristics, limitations, that they never had but because a narcissist systematically manipulated their environment they were able to prove to this victim (gaslit self deficit codependent) that they really are this person who is severely limited by this problem. They become problem, person is debilitated."
This applies to ableist CBT which is telling socially anxious traumatized targets of abuse and bullying that they are hallucinating social anxiety, that toxic people do not exist.
That is what neurotypical DSM is doing to neurodivergents: where autism and ADHD is depicted as abnormality and disorder.
---
"It's an abuse by omission? Form of neglect?" "" Is it abusive?"
Guys, this is coercive control.
Please educate yourself about narcissistic abuse.
Coercive control is the core at the psychopathic minds to exploit and hurt other people.
Without education we will be farmed by predators. Kind, nice, empathic people - we are like chicken meat to wolves. They will devour us. Our only legal and sane method to be safe is education so that we cut them out , by recognizing them behind their fake masks that they wear all the time to attract us.
--
YT "Narcissists want you to be the one that reaches out to them | The Narcissists' Code Ep 811
"
This is also called Limerence.
Like a crush, it is fantasy based on brainwashing and narcissist projecting needs and wants that they see in us that we lack - they promise it and that's how they hook us.
---
YT "The Harsh Truth Every PEOPLE PLEASER Needs To Hear"
People pleasing is defense mechanism. IT develops in extreme, toxic ambient where free expression is punished.
People pleasing is not choice - it is the only way to survive.
To label people pleasing as choice and to mock people pleasers is abuse, it is condescending and it won't make people pleasers to stop people pleasing.
Like any person living in Russia under Putin or North Korea or China - if you do not obey tyranny of authority, if you do not people please given norms - you will end up dead.
To say it is manipulative and controlling other people is pathologizing victims of narcissistic abuse.
This concept is extremely hard to grasp for patriarch white heterosexual males born with privilege and entitlement - without realizing that everyone else will not get the job as easily as them, being so egocentric to not realize that your pay check as white male pee pee between your legs will be reason to be higher than paycheck of all others. IT is like having blue eye in Jane Elliott Brown Eye Blue Eye experiment from 1968 repeated in Oprah Show in 1992 where privileged group of people in audience did not and could not empathize with oppressed part of public who went under humiliation by the staff - and later not realizing it was experiment, it was not even real.
To blame people pleasing and fawning is extreme narcissistic abuse and gaslighting, please stop it, You are doing incredible psychological damage to victims of narcissistic abuse - which is creating people pleasing in the first place.
---
"People not like you for being authentic is genuinely a good feeling."
It is good feeling... until you get fired from job and you no longer can pay the rent and you live in poor country where finding another job is finding mobbing and abuse.
---
"Fear of conflict "
This is CBT self help crap nonsense that are brainwashing us with false explanations.
IT is not fear of conflict at all. This false explanation is hypnotizing you into victim mentality - and patriarch system is setting this hypnosis, brainwashing explanations.
In reality - there is trauma- Trauma and fear appear the same. Trauma starts due to toxic people who abuse us in child age through criticism and expecting perfectionism.
Then we have fear of expressing OUR OWN conflict. That is the only fear. And it makes a difference when we realize it is our OWN expression of conflict that trauma made us hypnotized to be afraid of talking. In poor country - we will be controlled and manipulated to shut up and never protest unfair treatment.
---
"I stood up for myself at work!!"
1 day ago.
You can expect backlash and backstabbing, punishment of some sort. That is the point of narcissistic abuse and coercive control.
---
"" need to work on myself"
And then the gaslighting starts.
You start to fix yourself - and this leads to toxic shame and self blame and self pathology.
This is why self help is extremely damaging to mental health. IT misleads us into believing that we can prevent evil people by being "strong". Evil people abuse because they are sick and abnormal - not because what we say or not say.
---
What happen when our job income depends on making other people happy and then not being able to handle the truth?
What then Einsten?
---
"Julien, how my OCD affects my inner-self, and if it affects how can I overcome it
"
He does not know it. HE is not trauma informed. HE is selling self help industry by self blame and self pathologizing methods.
OCD starts as need to control - which is learned in ACoA ACE ambient of criticism and perfectionism. OCD is toxic shame, we try to alter our mood through obsessions and compulsions - and Julien is leading us into OCD - that we develop PureOCD worry and self blame anything that we do as reaction to narcissistic abuse around us.
True path would be self trust and self acceptance as we are. Not blaming or shaming who we are, as Julien profess it in his video here.
----
All normal, healthy and friendly people are people pleasers. Otherwise - there would be no social contact, everyone would take care of their own egocentric narcissistic butt.
---
Toxic society values loud and obnoxious people - they appear as competent and strong to the masses.
Then we end up with abusers alike Trump as leaders. Pathocracy supported by toxic social norms.
---
"Get out of your head and just reply to the conversation. Things will come"
This is the same as to say to depressive person to just laugh.
Trauma is making inner critic and toxic shame incredible hard to simply "get out of your head".
To tell someone with social anxiety trauma to get out of their head is condescending and patronizing and abusive, and it is usually used by psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists.
---
YT "How To Reset A Dysregulated Nervous System (in under 60 seconds!)
"
"If we have been dealing with ongoing stress or chronic illness or anxiety for a long period of time, the brain can effectively learn to over protect the body. It can even become sensitized to regular stimuli and things in environment, like set off alarm when there is no burglar present. Dysregulated: throwing out these survival outputs based on neutral or benign inputs."
So when we are in toxic ambient like narcissistic abuse and mobbing and bullying - we will be in survival mode all the time - where psychopaths will trigger us into amygdala hijacking state all the time.
Then calming down in abusive situation is actually enabling the abuse to continue - since we create feeling comfortable with abuse and abusers - which never will happen due to actual ongoing abuse: criticizing, blaming, accusations, attacks, put downs.
That is why narcissistic abuse must be addressed in all information related to emotional regulation.
If we follow CBT false explanation that we cannot trust our brain reactions and label them as abnormality - we will be gaslit into narcissistic abuse brainwashing; where we will chronically believe that we are abnormal, incompetent and wrong ALL THE TIME. This will lead to personality disorder and toxic shame being internalized. Then we will become zombie and slave to toxic people.
Instead of calming down and enabling the abuse to continue - I would focus all energy into managing narcissistic abuse by leaving and making the escape plan.
---
(4.8.2023)
Problem is when we cannot distinguish what is toxic due to coercive control, gaslighting and pathological lying.
---
Trauma needs healing.
Trauma means shocking event which we mostly are not aware unless we read about trauma.
Trauma means something cannot be processed and managed in the past nor in the future - we cannot construct better healthier adult response - and instead we are stuck with learned default defense mechanisms - such as denial, self blame or introjecting (believing other people bias and prejudices).
Healing trauma means trusting ourselves, our responses and validating ourselves totally and without holding back on self trust, something that was destroyed in us when we were kids: self validation and self acceptance total and absolute.
---
1) The very fact that corrupt pharma medical industry and self help industry does not distinguish between social anxiety and social anxiety disorder is a clear sign of brainwashing and Martha Mitchel Effect which CBT and DSM are harming us with: with quick labels and stigma. CBT must be banned.
2) Fears are not. It is trauma. Trauma and fear appear the same but they are not.
When we believe in CBT quick label of fear - we are hypnotized into victim mentality - where paradoxically we will end up being more afraid - due to wrong explanation.
When we are aware that uncomfortable panic symptoms we feel are actually trauma - then we are in much more powerful position to heal trauma and live our life.
When we follow wrong and ableist CBT instruction to expose - we are placing fears as our guide, as our compass.
When we understand that trauma is stuck in our body - we will make compass into our intrinsic locus of control which is self compassion, self validation and self acceptance of our responses which CBT labels as cognitive distortions and abnormality and disorder.
Once we accept ourselves, paradoxically we will be able to take care of ourselves, instead of following nazi CBT self disciplining and self flagellation routines of self blame and self pathology which CBT is placing on us with their wrong explanations.
---
" I reacted in this way and gave incorrect meaning to those events. Now I can remove that toxic shame."
Unfortunately in real life it does not work that way.
IT would be great if we could logic our way out of toxic shame - however we cannot cheat our unconsciousness.
Discovered 100 years ago - and banned in 1960s by ableist CBT - it is causing so much harm today because this information about Freud discovery is censored and suppressed from our eyes.
Toxic shame is developed in the unconscious, subconscious part of our brain, it is related to survival instinct, amygdala - it is not part of cortex brain.
We cannot meddle not interfere with our subconsciousness. IT is like Safe mode or even BIOS mode in Windows - you cannot install programs while you are in safe mode - because it is Safe mode, it is basic mode to run diagnostic and heal computer from virus or any woes it has.
When you follow CBT nonsense about partially accepting yourself - you are prolonging toxic shame and you are creating mental illness: personality disorder.
That is why CBT must be banned, it is doing incredible damage to victims of narcissistic abuse, ACE and ACoA experiences which caused and created toxic shame in the first place.
We can heal our trauma only when we are at peace about who we are totally and absolutely.
IF we are not serial killers, if we have no hidden agenda to harm and cause pain and kill others - there is really nothing inside us which is unworthy or disgusting.
All our emotions are valid, even those like disgust.
Without disgust we would never be able to clear ourselves from toxins.
---
YT "Adult Children of Alcoholics - Part 1 with a Panel of Guests"
What a synchronicity - Dr Dodson is pioneer in ADHD (he invented/coined Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria term), and here is Dr Dobson in ACoA issues.
For long time I thought I had social anxiety - and CBT and DSM are misleading anyone with social anxiety issues that it is disorder and hallucination, CBT explains us that toxic people do not exist and CBT and DSM are instructing victims of abuse to suppress emotions by brainwashing ourselves with enabling thoughts such as it was not so bad as we feel it etc.
It is only in 2020 when I read a general book about human health that there was a very small text box about trauma quick small description - where word "trigger" was mentioned - and it hit me that I do not have hallucinations as CBT brainwashed and misdiagnosed me for life - it was triggers actually all the time.
And it is only 3 years later that after I researched Complex Trauma - that I discovered ACoA -
and then all puzzle pieces came into place.
I was exposed in childhood to perfectionism and constant and relentless criticism all the time. Still am - and now I have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - and all of these things are the same:
Social anxiety = Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria / ADHD = Complex Trauma = Emotional Dysregulation = Fawning = After effects of ACoA/ACE/dysfunctional ambient, emotional and psychological and physical abuse exposure.
CBT mislead us that we need to expose to fearful objects -where with social anxiety I cannot withstand criticism and expressing my OWN criticism - which makes exposure into re-traumatization and more of trauma, CBT is harming anyone struggling with ACoA issues which CBT mislabels as a mere cognitive distortion issue.
And as it is said in this video - I was surprised that I had a lot of suppressed anger.
CBT and DSM are not handling nor explaining emotions at all (I learned that with Dr Dodson). CBT and DSM are statistical dogma, explanations by interest groups in medical industry, so DSM is not real science.
And all these social anxiety issues as I learned after so many years of wrong explanations by medical industry actually stem from being exposed to ACoA during our age when our psyche and persona are molded and grown and suppose to grow into healthy adult. Instead it received abuse.
CBT and DSM are doing incredible psychological damage to victims of abuse and ACoA through misdiagnosis and mislabeling.
Many people suffer with ACoA issues - without knowing what it is due to brainwashing and toxic shame internalized - and instead they get various misdiagnosis by corrupt medical industry CBT and DSM, which is paradoxically extension of ACoA and narcissistic abuse due to amount of gaslighting and wrong explanations.
CBT and DSM instruct us to suppress emotions and not look at trauma - and this makes it worse.
I like this:
If you're feeling some pain or feeling some depression or some things that you're remembering in your life: it is very normal. As a matter of fact it is healthy and part of recovery is to begin to get in touch with these feelings.
🟥 Dr. James Dobson's Family Talk
---
"Clearly there are people out there who do judge you and watch you."
Yep. 100%
Narcissists.
And as always - nobody points fingers at the cause of disorder, but there is always victim shaming and victim blaming and gaslighting victims of abuse into insanity and self-distrust.
----
YT "Adult Children of Alcoholics - Part 2 with a Panel of Guests"
Maybe the repeated ban of alcohol would be good?
Or at least to take on Swedish model by state monopolizing the market of alcohol.
Yep, I see healing the trauma as a process of being okay with angry people who trigger ACoA trauma - but in the same time it is paradox - that we do not fawn nor enable abusers as we were taught in childhood to react automatically to unfair treatment and toxic people. Without trauma information, and with CBT wrong instructions - we will tend to self pathologize ourselves and fix ourselves and fix other people and their mood swings and their entitlement narcissistic demands - which is dysfunctional.
It is about processing emotions without self blame or self depreciation through fawning, people pleasing- as ACoA taught us in childhood to repeat in adulthood. So one faucet of processing emotions is actually to be angry and to express our anger - which was forbidden in childhood and severely punished and then conditioned into suppression and self blame through inner critic and toxic shame.
Yes - as it is said in video - there are communal narcissists who appear organized and helpful and serviceable and holy and many narcissists appear due to their glib charm as angels to the general public. While in the home they abuse others.
---
"Silence, meditation, simple cooking, "
These are all ok-
however for anyone struggling with dysregulation - this is highly dangerous - because it leads to dissociation. That is path to mental illness.
When we suppress our emotions - that is path to mental illness.
When there is emotional dysregulation, it means we are abused and our boundaries are crossed -and further more it also means we were raised in ACE ACoA dysfunctional ambient where we were dysregulated and where we have learned to deny our emotions or otherwise we would be punished for expressing ourselves.
So any kind of deflection of pain - is extremely dangerous for us.
Good intentions are road to hell.
We need to process our emotions and we need to discover narcissistic abuse and abusers who are covert from our awareness -and CUT THEM OUT of our life. When we pretend there is no problem - we will end up being codependent and in abusive contact with dangerous people and poor mental health.
---
Social anxiety stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse while growing up.
We are conditioned into social anxiety trauma - and it appears as our fault, as if we are weak, but it is Complex Trauma.
Healing trauma means doing nothing but accepting ourselves and relying on ourself and trusting our instincts - good or bad.
Self validation will lead to the extinction of toxic shame conditioning.
---
5.8.2023
"Redirecting your thoughts..it gets easier with time and practice. In the middle of an attack call a friend"
These are all dissociations, and it leads to mental illness because you try to suppress emotions. Deny them, denial is dysfunctional defense mechanisms, and it is called dysfunctional for a reason.
CBT and self help industry is making incredible psychological damage by instructing us to be happy and chirpy all the time and to be ashamed for feeling uncomfortable emotions.
---
"So, do you confront them, expose them or pretend you know nothing of what they are doing behind my back at work? The more you try to defend yourself with others the worse it gets like I'm playing there game indirectly?"
There is no clear way.
You got to trust your own instinct and stand by yourself and by your own choices - whatever they may be.
In some situation - it is best to shut up - because these people are abnormal psychopaths and are capable of killing other people.
Sometimes it is best to confront and speak up what is wrong - which is especially true for anyone suffering ACoA ACE Complex Trauma Social anxiety due to exposure to narc abuse over long period of time - to bet Negative politeness we were conditioned into: to shut up and never speak up and to fawn.
In some situation it is best to throw hysteria and scream - which is especially true for those of us who always shut up ALL OUR LIVES. That is the way to break the ice - even though it is counter effective and we will be punished for it.
Narcs are cancer of society. They destroy healthy tissue.
Exposure to them over long period of time creates damage inside our brain - it injures our brain and it keeps us in amygdala survival mode.
---
YT "Weird Health Issue after Narcissistic Abuse"
Important note:
The goal is that we do not find solutions to our SOS signals - but to do anything in our power to leave narcissistic abuse ambient.
---
6-8-2023
Dissociation.
Numbing out our pain, denying it, suppressing it - leads to mental illness.
We need to process our pain and see where it is coming from - and it is always toxic people narcissistic abusers who are covert and appear as neutral or even friendly to us - so we invite those vampires into inside our boundaries where they violate us with psychological abuse. Pretending it doesn't happening leads to false sense of security and it will be our doom.
Anxiety is not stupid emotion - it is alarm system.
--
7.8.2023
YT "Social Anxiety Is Keeping You STUCK! ⚠️"
Social anxiety is not bad.
Without it we would be obnoxious slobs like Trump.
We would sexually abuse others like Bill Cosby.
We would invade Ukraine and commit war atrocities.
Social anxiety keeps us grounded and civilized.
Each emotion has its purpose - and stifling down emotions leads to mental illness.
What is programmed inside us is Negative Politeness (not to be honest, not to express what we truly feel and truly think) due to trauma and exposure to narcissistic abuse.
Narcissists cause social anxiety in others- so solution is not that we become narcissists ourselves - we would pass generational trauma onto the next generation.
---
I love how kind, nice and friendly, down to earth, normal the audience is including the person on the stage-
I would not want them turn into annoying irritating loud obnoxious idiots.
---
Being traumatized is not old habit.
---
"Am i supposed to be okay with being rejected by the entire world?"
This statement is over-generalization. The entire world does not reject you. There are bunch of neurodivergent people who understand exactly how you feel and what you have experienced in your life.
"Ive lost every relationship due to my face "
If someone is superficial, it is great that they lost you- they don't deserve you in the first place. They would ruin your life with their superficiality.
" Should i strive for better?"
Strive for intrinsic locus of control, what makes you happy and in state of well being.
Who defines what is better?
It just might be that you believe in media definition of what is "better" and toxic society false messages about what is "better".
---
...and it will do nothing about true causes and true triggers of our social anxiety - narcissistic psychopathic people in unfavorable power dynamics authority who abuse us, control us and manipulate us.
---
Julien's goal is that we accept and validate ourselves as we are, and that we do not base our decisions on thinking what other people criticize about us, even in strange situations like yelling and making fool of ourselves in social situations.
---
YT "Unleashing Your Best Self How to Overcome Social Anxiety!"
True - however Complex Trauma is blocking self validation and self acceptance.
Complex Trauma which started as ACoA ACE exposure and inability to process narcissistic abuse as adults now - so we get stuck in fawning which appears as "low confidence and lack of social skills" to the observers/third party.
---
YT "Social Anxiety #anxiety #lifeskills"
When we label our trauma as disorder - this CBT ableism will not help us at all. In fact, this stigma and quick label will do incredible psychological damage - we will start to behave like disorder because we were instructed by medical industry to be disorder. CBT must be banned, it is doing incredible psychological damage to victims of narcissistic abuse, ACoA, ACE.
"This fear"
This is not fear at all. It is trauma.
Trauma and fear are not the same, and it will appear the same to the third party, someone who is not educated in psychology and someone who reads CBT's ableist BS.
You mix up social anxiety and CBT's DSM label "social anxiety disorder". These two are totally different and it is unfair to fuse them into single entity.
Social anxiety is normal - and it keeps us civilized. The same as shame.
"Social anxiety so called disorder" on the other hand is toxic shame - and it is no longer healthy shame.
You mix up therefore healthy shame with toxic shame.
"intense fear" is Complex Trauma - term banned by American corrupt medical DSM industry - and it is actually recognized by unbiased WHO's ICD11.
"They will tell you this is what you should do"
Is actually manipulation and control, and it is gaslighting - so CBT is form of narcissistic abuse where the victim of narcissistic abuse is isolated like in a cult and then told that they are confused about reality and that they must become slaves to DSM pharma mafia to extort large sums of money from wealthy Americans.
---
YT "Emotion dysregulation helps explain the link between overprotective parenting and social anxiety"
"Research"
We all know that all researches in this toxic world are created by crony corporations and mafia - they do not represent science, they do not care for well being - but some interest and goal to extort money from the gullible masses.
"Overprotective parenting"
ACoA, ACE.
---
"but my parents were abusive instead of overprotective."
There is a fine love between love and hatred.
Abused children become abusive adults and they have no idea how to construct protection but to harm and hurt their children as they were abused themselves by their own parents. This is generational curse, generational trauma.
---
YT "Strategies for Overcoming Social Anxiety and Building Social Confidence pt 2"
"Join classes"
What if there are no such facilities where we live AND OR we don't have money to pay for it?
What then?
"Be attentive and listen"
Socially anxious already are very much attentive and they listen a lot due to bullying experiences and they are in fact microscopically zoomed onto other people and their emotions, tone of voice, face gestures - looking for potential sudden attack of anger outburst, as the original trauma that caused social anxiety issues would repeat again in social sitautions.
"Build your confidence"
Social anxiety is not a matter of low social skills or low confidence.
Socially anxious feel at ease and confident in 1-on-1 situations.
You are brainwashing victims of abuse into self pathologizing and presenting them as cowards who are dumb and unable to socialize.
Good intentions are pathway to hell - your video proves it.
---
" I've been homeschooled for a long time so I haven't been exposed to people for some time"
Then you don't have social anxiety to begin with, you have shyness issues.
Social anxiety is fear of expressing our criticism and negative evaluation - and this kind of trauma is not something that we acquire on our own - this is programmed when exposed to long term narcissistic abuse.
If you decide to google your symptoms and label and diagnose yourself with random diagnosis that appear similar to your shyness issues - you will self pathologize yourself and this can be extremely dangerous.
---
YT "Take charge of your Social Anxiety Disorder with THIS! #shorts #mentalhealthawareness"
"Can't bear to be around other people" is not social anxiety. That is definition of SHIZOID personality disorder.
Social anxiety is fear of expressing our own criticism and negative evaluation to other people due to trauma ACE experiences in childhood.
---
YT "If you can live this mindset...bye bye social anxiety #anxiety #socialanxiety #mentalhealth"
I like that message - "Your opinion of yourself matters more than anyone else's"
Absolute truth.
HOWEVER
with social anxiety - this is not a mere shyness that you feel and confuse with social anxiety all the time.
Social anxiety is being exposed to narcissistic abuse where we were programmed to distrust our own opinion and to become codependent on opinion of anyone in authority, especially if toxic.
That is social anxiety - being hypnotized into caring about toxic people.
Furthermore, anyone growing up with that programming who doesn't have money (socioeconomic Maslow needs met) will find himself in unfavorable power dynamics.
This means - expressing our own opinion means being homeless, being attacked, being punished.
So social anxiety is a matter of narcissistic abuse and operand conditioning.
Logic and nice motivational messages won't help much. In fact, it make do harm since now socially anxious person will have even more anxiety - since these nice messages do not help much with trauma conditioning at all.
---
" expose yourself to your fears, you'll be surprised how much you can handle."
And end up with lupus, skin rashes, auto-immunity diseases, due to amount of suppressing and handling toxic people who cause social anxiety in the first place.
---
You claim that social anxiety means immobility and being passive.
There is a term called High functioning social anxiety - where social anxiety means being active and social - but trauma still being present and doing psychological damage inside, festering inside.
Michal Jackson had severe mental issues with social anxiety HOWEVER he performed in public, he made movies, music videos without any problems. In the end his unresolved trauma killed him.
Instead of blindly following American CBT propaganda, please use your own brain and your own common sense.
American medical industry is built on extorting money from wealthy Americans, it is not suited to actually help traumatized victims of abuse.
Here you actually talk to parents who have social anxiety - without actually speaking the truth: that social anxiety stems from dysfunctional parenting styles and alcoholism.
So you basically put stigma and diagnosis on children - this is highly morally and ethically wrong what you are doing here. IT is even criminal.
You try to protect emotions and feelings of mentally ill parents by not voicing out elephant in the room - that parents are mentally ill and narcissist and need psychological help with their disorders and their own unhealed trauma - which they project on their children.
--
YT "The Social Anxiety Cure You Don't Want to Hear."
There is a term called Functional Social Anxiety - which means spending alone in public and being outside comfort zone.
Like Michael Jackson - he had severe social anxiety but in the same time he performed in front of billions of people, made movies and videos without any problem - because his social anxiety was functional.
Yet in the same time trauma which is motor of social anxiety was unhealed and ended up in tragedy.
Exposure fantasy ideas which you talk in your video - are like Rush Stockton carbon fibre submersible - he also believed in going outside comfort zone - and it ended up in tragedy because his carbon fibre cannot withstand deep pressure.
In the same way - your CBT advice about exposure to people who went through narcissistic abuse is doing incredible psychological damage. Person with unhealed trauma will implode under pressure - social anxiety panic will not go away on its own.
---
YT "Let's build a resilient mind! #mentalhealth #anxious #anxiety"
Nice message - but again, as you continually confuse shyness with social anxiety - this will not work for social anxiety.
IT is because - What resist, persist (Jung).
When we fight with our anxiety (as you even depict it in video) - we are making it stronger. It is paradox, but this is how human mind is working, and this paradox was discovered 100 years ago.
IT is shame that in 100 years time American medical industry did not absorb this fact but instead tries to impose cult of toxic masculinity of being "strong" and "fighting" anything that looks different than conformism.
Any ritual (no matter how good and well intended may appear) as reaction to anxiety leads to OCD.
We need all our emotions - and stifling down our fear uncomfortable reactions will lead to mental illness and narcissism (building fake imaginary delusional world that mimics reality).
---
YT "Access the "Life Force" when you are feeling down #anxiety #depression #mentalhealth"
Yep, that is called Titration or Pendulation in psychology.
IT is idea that we collect nourishments for ourselves in times when black swan event happens. Like preparing woods in summer or collecting food in summer for the winter.
Or it is like getting water from oasis to person stranded in the desert.
---
YT "Spotlight Anxiety"
"No one is interested, no one is looking your hair"
Obviously you never experienced narcissistic abuse in your entitled life.
---
YT "1st hour of the day without your phone and decrease your anxiety greatly #anxiety #mentalhealth"
I feel like Spanish Inquisition, I nag and complain in every video - but that is not because you are wrong. You simply have wrong ideas and delusional beliefs about social anxiety. Since you mix up shyness with social anxiety - and especially after TEDx and book publishing, you are too proud to admit that basically all you believed and talked about social anxiety is totally wrong and based on absolutely wrong basis to begin with.
--
YT "How to speak to anyone #datingadvice #socialanxiety #alpha #socialising #mindset"
Then social anxiety becomes Functional, highly functional. And we end up with someone like Amber because we will block any red flags as "abnormality of social anxiety".
Please just stop. Social anxiety is not being hungry for vagina.
---
YT "socialanxiety #hottopic"
Great tic toc vid - but it is confusing shyness with social anxiety.
This shown in video is shyness issue.
Social anxiety is not walking in mall and harassing people there.
It is being harassed by toxic abnormal psychopaths without means of escape - that is social anxiety.
---
"“I bet they’ll forget in the next 10 minutes” 😭"
Narcissists won't forget.
Psychopaths won't forget.
Machiavellians won't forget.
Emotional vampires won't forget.
Borderliners won't forget.
And guess what? With being nice and friendly, as shown in this video - we will attract EXACTLY such people in our lives - because we will try to be cool and happy and chirpy and open all the time - and labeling our fears and panic as unmanly and sissy and something to be ashamed off - so our fear and panic will not be there to protect us against toxic people at all in our lives.
We will end up living with someone like Amber - pooping in our bed, abusing us and contemplating false allegation court to steal our money.
---
YT "How to deal with social anxiety"
Cute story... but it is not social anxiety.
Shyness and social anxiety appear the same, due to panic symptoms - but there is a great difference.
Shyness goes away as soon as you start talking - as you talked in the video.
Preoccupation with talking and parties is shyness issue.
So unfortunately - seeing people individually tip will not work for social anxiety at all - it will help with shyness though.
And.. it is still a crappy advice, please listen why.
When we make other people in our gods - we will develop external referencing locus of control. That is state of mind of fawning - where we observe other people as competent, as gods, as superior to us, someone to please, someone to admire and then expect other people to love us back. That seems like good path - however this leads to codependency.
Why would you influence other people? Why would you win friends?
It is ethically and morally wrong to manipulate and control other people - and to influence them in their opinions and thinking - it is like invading foreign country. Just for the sake of imperialism? Why would you do that? Do you see other people as resource to farm?
That is narcissism.
Then winning friends? How can anyone be your friend if that is a person that you won like in a fairground attraction , you shoot enough of dunking ducks and you win a prize?
Focusing on any person is codependency. You make them into your god which you must please and then expect the same in return. This is highly dysfunctional mentality and it always leads to catastrophe.
When we get other people to talk about themselves - we will attract plethora of borderliners and narcissists and we will simply smile to them - just because we are afraid of being lonely, and alone and that someone sees us alone? This fear of being lonely will magnetize extremely toxic psychopaths in your life. You will end up living with some chick that poops in your bed - and you will tolerate it because you don't want to be alone nor lonely and you crave for admiration and approval from other people.
For starters, I would drop off all these self help industry books - they do not work in real life, they set us up for mental illness and give crappy information that does not work in real life - and it only makes author rich and marketing agency behind it.
---
YT "Animated Short Film about Avoidant Personality Disorder"
Typical American industry brainwashing where victims of narcissistic abuse and ACoA dysfunction, autism, ADHD and neurodivergent brain is depicted as abnormality and sickness.
We do not see that narcissists are causing avoidance - but we are indoctrinated with CBT DSM pharma mafia delusional beliefs that being confident means health, while fears are some wort that we must remove and be ashamed of.
---
If you label victims of abuse as disorder, you are stigmatizing them.
Please drop off ableism and dogma of CBT DSM cult that is doing incredible psychological damage to targets of narcissistic abuse.
---
Nervousness is due to narcissistic abuse and being surrounded by psychopaths in power.
So belief nor meditation wont' help much if we are abused and we can't leave.
---
YT "Do you feel like you're not where you want to be? Try this #stutz #mentalhealth"
This is called Grand Paradox.
And it is part of Moral relativism - where we will end up making rationalization and exonorate toxic people - because "they taught us a lesson".
I would be careful with it. Sometimes there is no value in action and turd is just a turd.
---
YT "Exactly what exposure therapy can feel like in the beginning #anxiety #socialanxiety #mentalhealth"
Due to egocentrism and inability to discern shyness from social anxiety - you are totally unaware that true social anxiety is related to neurodiversity -
and then neurotypical ideals are not as much important to neurodivergents - like going to parties and useless CBT exposure exercises-
---
YT "Breaking Free from Social Anxiety | Embracing Imperfection and Taking Control"
CBT will work when we have money, CBT is created for wealthy Americans, it is not actually intended for normal people around the world. Only for Dynasty, it will work for heterosexual white male born into entitlement and privilege.
In real life - when we venture into real life - we will notice that social anxiety is not a matter of approaching a person - but handling and managing toxic people like mobbing and narcissistic abuse.
Then only money and power can help us - anything else keeps us stuck in social anxiety trauma as it should be - it is our protective mechanism against toxic society based on unfavorable power dynamics such as patriarchalism.
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YT "CahtGPT: How do I make a friend with social anxiety? #anxiety #socialanxiety #mentalhealth"
When we greet bordeline and narcissists - we will end up in codependent contact filled with abuse and coercive control.
Social anxiety is about being stuck in abuse and bullying and mobbing - so sharing interest will not help with social anxiety. It will help though with shyness which you and ChatGPT are mixing up with social anxiety.
You set up and program ChatGPT to fuse shyness with social anxiety.
That is the same phenomena that happened in mid 1990 when CBT medical industry started to research social anxiety.
Then it was called social phobia.
And people like you showed up -shy people and narcissists who mimic social anxiety - and then you all end up programming CBT with ideas that social anxiety is a mere fear of parties and making conversations.
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YT "ChatGPT: How do I have a conversation when feeling socially anxious? #socialanxiety #anxiety"
Truly socially anxious person will even be afraid to talk about it - even with a machine.
Shy person like you, who confuses social anxiety with shyness - will end up twisting and confabulating social anxiety with shyness anyone in authority who talks about it.
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YT "ChatGPT doesn't always Gove bad social anxiety advice #anxiety #socialanxiety #chatgpt"
You are instructing machine to view social anxiety from the prism of making friends. This is how you get stuck in your delusional ideas that shyness you have is actual social anxiety. You get stuck in egocentrism without knowing your are stuck in wrong definitions of social anxiety to begin with.
Social anxiety is not fear of conversation - look it up, check official definitions of social anxiety.
IT is fear of expressing our own criticism and negative evaluation.
It has nothing to do with parties or making friends or being lonely - as primary concern. These come as secondary issues.
The primary issue of social anxiety is trauma and being exposed to ACoA ACE neglect in childhood. Even by protective parents - especially by them.
---
Here it is, perhaps YT algorithm will not delete it automatically:
All people have social anxiety. All.
https://www.reddit.com/r/SocialAnxiety_Ideas/comments/vdm889/all_people_have_social_anxiety_all/
Original post from main reddit forum that got deleted is here:
https://77ranko.blogspot.com/2022/06/banned-post-on-reddit-all-people-have.html
These are comments from people who protested against this statement:
""I’d have to disagree. I know soooo mane people who don’t have an ounce of anxiety. And never have"
""Um, no, some people aren't anxious at all around other people. Maybe if they were being threatened, but that's not social anxiety."
"They don't want other people to be hurt by what YOU are saying because you are making harmful generalizations."
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" CBT itself is not exclusive to wealthy Americans or any specific group."
It is effective only for wealthy Americans who can buy their worries away and quit toxic jobs filled with mobbing.
All the others are left with fawning.
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CBT is ableist therapy.
We are all inundated with it. IT is found in self help books, online articles. We may unconsciously without being aware of it - repeat their crap which is highly detrimental to anyone with social anxiety.
Social anxiety is after effect of narcissistic abuse, it is not personality flaw, it is not being coward nor being lazy.
Social anxiety is related to neurodiversity -and it encompass ADHD and Autism spectrum - where masking these and making drama about it through labels and diagnosis is making more harm than good.
CBT must be banned.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology which actually works.
IT is based on idea that unless we are serial killers - there is nothing wrong with us and we are not sick nor abnormal and we do not have disorder. Disorder lies in toxic ambient which is abusing us.
Glad to hear that you are aware of CBT dangers. This will stop me from going into deeper issue of heterosexual white privilege entitlement patriarchy rant.
---
You literally have said "Build your confidence"
You are implying that people with social anxiety have low confidence, as if that is their personality trait.
You are brainwashing and instructing socially anxious how they interpret their feelings and emotions - and you are not even aware of it.
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You have gone through abuse as heterosexual male - and that makes you into privilege which you take for granted.
Everyone else does not have entitlement as you do and they do no live in delusions of how they thoughts fix their life away.
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"What do you recommend to overcome social anxiety?"
Education about Complex Trauma and narcissistic abuse.
Social anxiety is alarm - it is not sickness nor abnormality as ableist CBT portrays it.
Once we understand these basics - that social anxiety is fear from expressing OUR OWN criticism and negative evaluation - we will be in position to evaluate what is going on.
When we feel social anxiety - we are detecting toxic people - narcissists and psychopaths - whom we can easily detect due to ACoA experiences.
CBT explanations put us in victim mentality, that we are afraid of fears.
Nope. Panic symptoms which we feel are trauma and conditioning.
We are conditioned to react with panic -
so "the cure" for social anxiety is actually deprogramming the abuse we endured.
In psychology this is called Extinction.
It means that we no longer associate rude people with an image of terror.
Also - it means that we make evaluation where to go in life - that whenever it is possible that we leave toxic people - instead of being stuck with them, staying in codependency contact with them.
Does any of this makes sense to you?
If not - what / which part is confusing?
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8.8.2023
Yeah, I tried CBT for social anxiety and it caused me to fawn and self blame for 20 years. I started to equate anxiety as my personality failure.
CBT overgeneralizes and creates emotional fusion.
To tell socially anxious to expose is re-traumatizing, it won't help at all, it will make things worse due to unresolved trauma.
Until I discovered Complex Trauma concept- which is banned by DSM (due to pharma mafia and corrupt medical financial system in USA that operates in profit as goal). Complex PTSD is fully recognized, validated and accepted by WHO's ICD.11
CBT puts quick labels on anything that moves without considering how the person who has fears and toxic shame would internalize such labels at all. Lack of empathy.
On the other hand we have Humanistic psychology, humanistic therapies - which put the patient in the leading role - and it even doesn't use the word patient, but the word "client" instead. This way there is no stigma and full trust is put in person who is trying to find his way and make logic out of chaos that is happening on someone's life.
CBT works excellent with rich people - who can buy they worries away. They can change toxic job easily. They have full support by rich families and their entitlement and privilege will spare them from bullying and mobbing, will get another job more easily than those who are not privileged. Of course someone who is in such ambient will heal faster than someone who is stigmatized in shame culture ambient..
CBT and DSM are wrong approaches, they create incredible psychological damage to anyone seeking genuine help, while abusers who cause chaos in other people lives are left free simply because narcissists never seek therapy.
CBT and DSM use words such as "disorder" to describe victims of abuse - of course that such person who is labeled with disorder will start to behave in disordered way. IT is self fulfilling prophecy.
There are plethora of other words that could be used to describe emotional dysregulation - it is obvious that CBT DSM medical industry lacks empathy and true reason of psychology: to help people, not to put them down and not to destroy their remnants of self worth.
---
Important subject - I learned only in 2015 that this rumination is called "intrusive thoughts" and it has even its colloquial name: it is called PureOCD or PureO. It is a form of OCD but there are no observable rituals - only worry inside the head that goes in hamster wheel cycle. This term is not official medical term, community created it to describe rumination in better detail.
Official medical industry tells us that we do not fight rumination - since it will reinforce it. What resists, persists (Jung). It is like having urticaria, skin rash - and you scratch it to calm it down, but the itch gets worse and worse with each scratch and then the rash even starts to spread and creates a wound. Yet if we leave it to be, it calms down in a time on its own.
That discovery was really big for me in 2015.. until I was in a situation at job where there was bullying -
and this great advice about PureO didn't help anymore. I felt ashamed, weak and helpless and hapless and I worried how some rude and influential person can put me down without doing anything to stop them from harming me (ordering me what to do, yelling and screaming, nitpicking my mistakes all the time). Official medical industry CBT will tell us to leave toxic ambient and toxic people - however people who are not rich and entitled nor privileged - cannot simply quit their toxic jobs or leave abusive people - due to financial reasons.
Another problem is when we suppress and deny emotions such as fears which are behind PureO rumination - this leads to mental illness (codependency, panic, trauma) and even to physical illness: allergy, skin rashes, stomach problems, cancer, auto-immune diseases, lupus...
IT is only in 2020 that I discovered yet another term which helped me to find answers why rude people trigger me: it is Complex Trauma. Term which is not recognized by corrupt medical industry CBT and DSM. On the other hand CPTSD (which is not the same as PTSD) is fully recognized by WHO's ICD-11.
3 years later and I discovered that in childhood we are exposed to some sort of neglect (even when we have over-protective parents) that we miss information and data to handle stress in our adult life.
ACoA ACE dysfunctional ambient in childhood will set us up to worry and ruminate and to take blame, and to feel over responsible, and to self flagellate, we will create hypnosis to fix other people's anger mood swings and we will feel responsible to take care of them and never rock the boat. And so we will get stuck with rumination issues in adult life - since our persona was not formed in loving and accepting environment while growing up.
I learned that with rumination - we are stuck in not processing emotions and stimuli at all - we are stuck in repeat loop cycle to control other people's aggression and potential harm that they could do to us, along with feeling that we must never experience fear and panic - and that we must suppress it because if we feel scared or anxious - that it means we are less of a man, sissy weak person who is abnormal. We learned all these tyranny of shoulds in unhealthy ambient by untreated mentally ill person that was in authority over us when we were growing up.
---
I would not block it, nor suppress our rumination, fears, anxiety. I would not label it at neither as sickness nor abnormality that must be shamed away and locked from sight.
I see rumination as Operand Conditioning which we learned on force while growing up, we were punished and we acquired anxious thinking as children in ambient that is the same as ACoA - even when perhaps alcohol was not present at all.
When we become aware that rumination is the same psychological effect as Pavlovian dogs and or trained circus animals - we will learn that there is also term called Extinction - and that is the correct key how to handle rumination issues.
The first step would be to stop blaming ourselves and feel as if we have some shame dirt on us for having rumination issues.
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YT "Overcoming fear, RSD and low energy ▷ ADHD Entrepreneur Real Talk"
"So if your desires to start your own business are not superseding your fear than you may not want it badly enough. And that's okay you learned something about yourself."
I've learned that exposure to narcissistic abuse, ACoA, ACE, coercive control twists our brain in the areas about what are our true desires, what is our well being - and instead our primarily focus in life is to please abuser, not to rock the boat and that our job is to fix other people, especially those who treat us like trash. Then to third person it will seem as if we are not having goals, that we are lazy and that we are not honest with ourselves - while we are entrained by abusive people in authority above us who are abusing us into inferiority complex issues. Without us being aware that this is going on. Then explanation that we are at fault for being stuck and immobile is extremely detrimental and abusive, too.
Those fears we have are conditioning, we went through Skinner's box Operand Conditioning to remove and prune off our desires, since we have been punished and put down for having any over childhood and long period of time. So learning about ourselves means learning about Coercive control and how to remove narcissistic conditioning, through Extinction of fears learned during abuse.
---
Yeah and I am confused about your comment that you tell the guy who is shy approaching strangers that he would be better off if he was alone.
Er.. he is alone. He is shy and he is afraid of approaching people. He doesn't have gang with him, he is lonely, lone, alone.
Anyhow,
I always start with the basics with people who have no psychological education, nor inspiration to learn and educate themselves.
Social anxiety by definition is fear of criticism and negative evaluation. That is official definition of social anxiety.
Social anxiety is not shyness, it is not being afraid of talking at parties. IT is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria issue - related to some kind of rejection by other people - potential or real one.
Okay? Is that clear enough?
So - what we need to become aware - is that we were not being born with this kind of special fear.
As babies - we are born only with 2 fears:
1) fear of loud noises and
2) fear of falling.
We are not afraid of criticism. I repeat - we are not born with social anxiety.
This means - we acquired social anxiety during childhood.
We have been exposed to untreated mentally ill person, ACoA ACE ambient filled with criticism - where we have learned to be afraid of criticism, aka social anxiety. So basically - social anxiety is complex trauma. It is complex PTSD (which is not the same as PTSD).
Now you can go back to my original comment - and now it will make more sense.
Our only legal weapon against narcissistic abuse - which is causing disorders and issues like social anxiety - is education.
Even though it seems boring, disgusting and annoying - learning psychology is the only way to gain control and not to be guided by wrong conclusions, like a motorless boat in middle of ocean.
---
"What if you are only person there, is that the most ideal?"
He is the only person there.
He clearly stated that he has huge problem with shyness and talking to strangers - so he does not have friends, he doesn have a group of people with him. HE is alone, he is loner, lonely and without anyone beside him, nobody to encourage him, nobody to mock him.
It seems to me you have some hard time processing information from other people. That is nothing shameful - it could be neurodivergent issue. It is good that we are aware of it, so that we do not harass other people with unnecessary questions, when actually we have hard time ourselves in really listening to them and processing what they are saying.
---
I dunno... I don't like dragging people down and forcing them to do stunts - it is really ethically and morally wrong. It is a form of manipulation and control - trying to force other person to be trained like a circus animal and molded into what we believe is best for them or what society expects us to be.
That is why I prefer Humanistic psychology - where the client is not observed or labeled as patient and he is encouraged to believe into his own brain how his brain functions, process information and chooses to show up in the world.
This old fashion conditioning and forcing people and manipulating them - this is what is world we have since Christianity and organized religion began abusing masses.
From the early age men are taught to never show emotions and to fight and to not have empathy. While girls are taught to serve and be obedient and to shut up. Patriarchy really never worked, it caused wars and it leads to pollution of this planet and overpopulation. It is time to change it into something more human and kinder.
---
Due to popular demand I will expand on my own comment:
Let's break it down:
1)
"Challenges and exposure will reveal where is the blockage: and it is always angry people."
This means that CBT (official therapy for social anxiety - which is not working at all) tells us that we must expose in order for social anxiety to vanish.
Exposure will not cure social anxiety.
Exposure will lead to more trauma and more of anxiety and to fawning issues.
However with exposure we will get crucial data - which we wouldn't get if we are isolating ourselves. With our eyes open - we would actually notice that when we expose and when we are out in the world: that our anxiety is triggered by toxic people: narcissists, borderliners, hysterical people, abusive people, aggressive ones, predators, Machiavellians, emotional vampires, psychopaths and sociopaths of all sorts.
2)
"De-sensitization will lead to us becoming pushovers and people pleasers to angry people. "
This means, that CBT claims that we will become accustomed to fears of people, and criticism. We won't. In real life - what happens is that abusive people will push us down , and we will develop various strategies to survive - such as fawning and people pleasing them and being pushover.
Social anxiety is not sickness - it is simply alarm system that tells us that we are sensing toxic people around us who are mostly covert and hide behind fake masks, as any narcissists - and their main weapon is criticizing others and finding faults in others and blame others for anything - in order to feel superior and admired by others.
3)
"And that is the problem: being exposed to alcoholic abuse and dysfunctional ambient while growing up"
Social anxiety is after-effect of AcoA ACE dysfunctional ambient while growing up. We were raised in ambient of narcissistic abuse. That is how we get social anxiety issues as adults. We were neglected and invalidated as kids - and now we have no self worth. We have no immunity - which shows up to third parties as lack of confidence and lack of social skills - but its actually after effects of exposure to emotional abuse over long period of time.
4)
" and now we repeat defense mechanisms we learned as kids: to isolate and serve narcissistic abusers."
In order to survive brutal and tyrannical narcissists and their abuse - our brain will naturally create various defense mechanism to absorb the mentally ill people and their manipulation and coercive control.
One of such mechanism is to self blame ourselves and to feel at ease with difficult and abusive people. Calm and nice people will appear as weak and non interesting to us, while we will tend to be attracted to Ambers who poop in our bed and who appear as strong and competent in our eyes - so we will be conditioned to attract toxic people.
Then we will simply be caught in social anxiety cycle - without realizing we were conditioned to self sabotage and to be codependent from early age.
---
My only tip is : CBT is ableist therapy, it is devil in disguise and it is created by narcissists.
The more humane therapy is: Humanistic therapy, humanistic psychology.
People who see psychological help are not serial killers nor anti-social. But CBT treats them as animals, something to label and stigmatize and treat as a child who can't think for himself.
If we are not serial killers, if we are not anti--social, if we have no ill will to harm and hurt other people - I would not perform lobotomy on such person and manipulate or control how he or she thinks, behaves or reacts.
Instead I would encourage him or her to develop self worth and to trust in his or her brain, his/hers ideas and to express them and be authentic and honest human being, and not CBT Stepford wives conformist groupthink clone.
---
(9.8.2023)
"Anxiety is intense but can be processed and let go of."
Yes and no.
When trauma therapist tell us to process emotions - this does not mean that we wallow in pity. And we are already doing that.
We are stuck in worry cycle, rumination, PureOCD - as a way to find solutions.
The important factor of processing is to realize what is going on.
The purpose of processing is not to destroy our emotions and prevent them from springing up.
In 99,9% of cases - our social anxiety is being triggered by toxic people, narcissistic abuse. Usually by covert person who appear as our helpful friends, romantic interest, family member whom we can't reject or cut contact with, someone who helped us in the past so we can't allow ourselves to be angry at them for treating us like garbage.
This needs to be processed - why are we triggered into anxiety - and it is almost always toxic people and narcissism of the external factor: other people.
We will tend to self blame ourselves in order to not jump to quick conclusions - and CBT will explain to us that social anxiety is hallucination and that we must lean on moral relativism where we exonerate toxic people as poor tortured souls and put incredible unrealistic burden of being super human who must endure any crap in life for the sake of being higher moral and ethical being , a saint. This way we become victim.
The purpose of processing is realization that we let go of neurotic beliefs and rigid thinking about our over-responsibilities and allow ourselves to be imperfect - which means confronting toxic people and their toxic actions. Processing also means to document the abuse and see if it is a pattern - if someone is behaving abusively longer than 6 months this is a cue for us to minimize or cut contact with such person.
Not to take blame and responsibility on us to fix other people.
In most cases - the reason why we feel anxiety is because of other people and their toxicity.
Anxiety therefore is not problem, but toxic people are the true problem.
Removing anxiety and destroying it - is the same as if you destroy all annoying alarm system on Star Trek spaceship (original series) because the lights and sounds annoy you.
Well, without alarm system - aliens would destroy you easily.-
Without anxiety we would never be able to detect toxic people - and we would then become codependent on abusers and stay stuck in narcissistic abuse.
Anxiety has its purpose - stifling down emotions leads to mental illness.
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It is all one of the same:
Social anxiety = Emotional Dysregulation = Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (hallmark of ADHD) = after-effects of ACoA ACE dysfunctional ambient = Complex trauma = after-effects of exposure to narcissistic abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse
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YT "How not to hold grudges. #shorts #viral
"
Without grudges we will become open and inviting to abuse. Narcissists love forgiving people - and then they will exploit us.
So all our emotions are important - and stifling them down leads to some demise and dysfunction - and that includes grudge emotions.
I think what you want to disclose in your video is actually Rancour.
Rancour is long term grudge - it is a state when we are stuck with emotion. As much as stifling down emotions leads to mental illness, also when we get stuck with some emotion - this also causes mental health issues.
Rancour leads to variety of illnesses such as auto-immune diseases.
But letting go of rancour does not require civil war inside our head (confrontation as you say it) - because as Jung said: What we resist, persist.
If we start war against some thoughts - we will strengthen them. Like going to war with some country - this country will build weaponry - and fight against us. Invading anything is always a bad idea, as Putin is learning it.
Better approach is education and feeding our brain with correct, proper and healthy information and let it process it on its own. And then allow our brain to come up with ideas how to let go of rancour - without suppressing it nor without being stuck in worry cycle.
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YT "What Role Parents Have in Developing Toxic Shame in Children? #ytshorts #shorts"
This toxic shaming is done through criticism - expecting that the child must be perfect and without mistakes and then nitpicking and pointing out and punishing for anything that might go wrong and creating drama out of small and realistically insignificant issues.
That is narcissistic abuse.
Parents who do these attacks are mentally ill. They are untreated mentally ill narcissists and have deep disorder. Which is never seen to others as disorder because narcissists use plethora of methods to appear with glib charm to everyone else, and toxic society based on patriarchism perceives loud and obnoxious person as strong and competent. So narcissists is left alone, while everyone else ends up with mental health issues.
Long term exposure to narcissistic abuse causes brain injury.
Also this toxic shaming is related to ACoA.
---
It is complex topic.
We really need to learn a lot of psychological concepts in order to understand it what is happening and how to process it all.
Which is grand paradox - any stress in life, no matter how detrimental it is, has a part that is helping us grow and learn - we get to certain new levels which we would hardly explore or step into, without toxicity and hardship.
Similar like wars to human species - wars help economy and building up new society, it changes everything and sets new priorities with high cost of human lives.
---
Conspiracy theories are the regular by-product of neuroticism. It goes hand in hand with worries and panic and anxiety.
Narcissists use conspiracy theories to feel grand and unique.
Covert narcissists feel conspiracy theories as something to exploit and scare other people with and abuse them.
Neurotics and victims of abuse have distrust in general population - which opens eyes which were previously closed and then it is easier to connect the dots and see corruption in society - which appears as conspiracy theory.
---
YT "Narcissism and Shame"
This makes a lot of sense - seeing shame in new light.
I have the same realizations with social anxiety -where society is teaching us that social anxiety is neuroticism that must be destroyed and everything negative in life is scapegoated to social anxiety. While in reality - social anxiety and avoidance is totally normal protective mechanism in toxic ambient and being surrounded by sick and psychopathic people like narcissists. Instead of self blame and labeling our mechanisms of protection of abnormality - the better approach is self validation and not nitpicking ourselves just because toxic people try to brainwash us with wrong explanations which are meant only to isolate us and make us doubt ourselves all the time - and then become codependent on toxic people to be their slaves.
---
No, I am not mocking you.
That is problem with our social anxiety.
It is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria -
this means that we will tend to interpret neutral information as an attack as a mocking - since this is what traumatized us into first place. Basically - now we do not trust other people and any slight information that might be negative or criticism, we will interpret as full confrontation without provocation (that is why you feel need to excuse yourself).
I do that too, with social anxiety we all struggle with that.
And this is the reason why I asked you why his information about exposure to invalidation ends up as our own inability to form contact with other people - and not turning it into fright and horror show.
For 20 years I absorbed these types of surface level information - without anyone telling that it is surface level information.
Nobody told me what is social anxiety -but repeated wrong CBT information that we are flooded with.
When I asked you Why - I actually wanted to warn you (and anyone who reads this) - that with social information we are kept in a dark, and society is not helping us. Especially those who claim to know social anxiety. They won't help us, they will pull some small surface level information to impress us and then hook us up - without any resolution. And this can last for decades. I struggle with social anxiety since 1990. I am pretty much mad at anyone in advice giving platform that is providing us with wrong and insignificant information about social anxiety. That is the point of my comment. Not to shame you at all. I really do not want anyone to waste their best of years running in circles and being slaves to toxic people and CBT.
---
"Removed people pleasing, "
And now you are a narcissist?
Low agreeableness is equal to narcissism and being a psychopath.
People pleasing is not sickness. Without agreeableness we won't be able to connect with people- instead you will only base any contact on scaring the other person into submission and tyranny over them. The only way to make any interdependence and true connection is that sometimes we listen to other people - which is people pleasing. Sometimes we need to assume that we get wrong conclusions and we need to give other people a benefit of doubt - which is people pleasing. Sometimes the other person is sick and we may think that they are lazy and pretending to be sick - and we need to over-ride our wrong conclusions and take care of our friends, sibling, family member - and that is people pleasing.
What Julien is confusing is toxic shame and toxic guilty, over-responsibility and Negative politeness with People pleasing. He lumps it all together - and this is done by CBT (official therapy for social anxiety), this quick lumping and over generalization of human behavior.
We will resort to people pleasing as a mechanism to survive narcissistic abuse. Without it, we would get punished or even worse.
In toxic job, without getting fired - we need to resort to people pleasing. It is great if we live in NY or LA where we can easily find similar job - but in the rest of the world, we may actually chug on toxic job for a while with people pleasing to survive there - unless we want to become homeless or codependent victim parasiting in someone's home.
So what Julien is trying to tell us - that we have neurotic beliefs which we learned in toxic childhood and exposure to narcissistic abuse over long period of time.
IT is programming and hypnosis that we must fix other people's emotions and belief that we are responsible for someone's anger - and that we must do everything to make them happy - and going overboard in fixing their problems. This is not people pleasing. This is Operand Conditioning hypnosis and programming. And this cannot be removed by logic - since we will feel intense toxic guilt and toxic shame when we do not fix other people.
Julien's decision to over-generalize agreeableness as people pleasing and as a sickness to destroy - will lead to punishment. Toxic people in power position will punish us when we stand up for ourselves. He does not talk about that.
HE does not mention unfavorable power dynamics at all. Instead he uses toxic shame to fight general empathy and care for other people. Totally wrong approach.
IT is like he tries to kill the small dangerous wasp with an explosive - he will shoot himself in the foot or someone in the background who is standing next to him.
That is masculine approach - that we push our emotions down, all our emotions, good or bad.
However human mind is not aligned with social conformism and social constructs of masculinity that West has groomed for 2000 years due to organized religion.
In real life, when we dump our emotions - we will develop mental illness.
---
Like Julien, you mix up people pleasing with agreeableness, Negative politeness, after-effect of narcissistic abuse, culture of toxic shame. You over generalize and place it all in the same bucket.
That is how bias, prejudice, wrong conclusions and wrong decisions are born - when we overgeneralize and place rigid thinking as some general rule to deal with extremely complex matter.
---
That is called Jung's Mask - and you do not put it. We are taught to build fake mask and to wear it since childhood.
Without this fake mask we would be like Diogenes - we would poop in street, masturbate in public, spit and urinate everywhere and yell at random people.
Think of Fake Mask as a Star Trek translation mechanism - it helps us to communicate with various and different people who come from different backgrounds and have their own micro rules and differences. There are big 5 personality types - which different spectrum inside it. It is inevitable that when various people meet - that there will be personality clash.
In order to handle and minimize personality clash - we need fake mask.
Fake mask can be used in narcissism as a method to cover up vulnerability and toxic shame, and to lure new victims into abuse -
but all of us others we use fake mask as a mean to communicate with other people.
---
He has gone into wrong direction.
He turned social anxiety issue into Fight response to deal with trauma. Fight response ("screw being nice, screw being polite, be real instead otherwise it is manipulation, why you manipulate me now at 23:00).
Well, news flash - fight response is also manipulation.
If we have inner goal to manipulate people - we will manipulate them as our ultimate goal.
Nice people ,empathic people do not have ultimate goal to control other people. Narcissists use that.
In general - people cannot handle truth - not even Julien - since he obviously never replies to my comment - so he does not follow his own advice.
Feedback hurts, cognitive dissonance is painful. And we can only package our message in people pleasing wrap to deliver the truth. Being "honest" will annoy other people - and it is great when we remove people who hate honesty - however in real life - we are stuck in toxic jobs we cannot quit and must stay in contact with other people, we have family members who are difficult -
when we follow Julien advice - we would all be isolated and alone - since we would label any person around us as dishonest and we would feel entitled that other people must tolerate our BO and BS - and feel attacked if they do not like it. That is narcissism.
He is basically now teaching how to become narcissist. That is totally wrong direction.
---
YT "I Studied Thousands Of PEOPLE PLEASERS & Learned This..."
"I Studied Thousands Of PEOPLE PLEASERS & Learned This.."
Just because you study something it doesn't mean you are not prone to observer bias due to basing your research on wrong hypothesis.
---
(10.8.2023)
"where should you draw the line?"
Excellent question.
With social anxiety issues such as what colloquially is called "people pleasing" - we are talking here actually is Fawning.
Fawning is trauma response.
This means,
1) people pleasing is based on some shocking event that we never fully processed so we are stuck in repetition mania - so we need to process the blockage that keeps us stuck
and
2) we do not trust ourselves. We depend on other people to explain us what is correct and how we ought to behave , act and what kind of decisions in life we must make - in order not to make mistake, in order to be perfect, in order to make perfect moral and ethical decisions and actions - which all stems from ACoA ACE dysfunction - where we were raised in ambient of control and constant criticism.
So problem here is codependency - we depend on other people to explain us reality. That is called External referencing locus of control, it is trauma bonding.
So - to answer your question - where should we draw the line:
the problem is that we do not trust our own brain. We are conditioned to create false image of superiority and grandiosity, where we are not allowed to make mistakes. Making a mistake means exclusion, punishment - as this was conditioned into us during ACoA childhood.
So unless we are aware of this Operand Conditioning that is propelling us to be perfect and to have unrealistic moral and ethical standards that hamper our lives-
we will be stuck in treating small symptoms as they crop up. Basically we don't have compass to lead us into greater destiny. Instead - we are stuck in reaction, in reactivity mode, where we depend on other people to make any kind of decisions in life.
Breaking the Operand Conditioning, trauma, people pleasing, fawning - means that we start to trust our own brain, even with its conditioning. This is called Validation and total Self Acceptance.
This process is described in Humanistic psychology - and it is a slow process.
Once we start to validate our decisions, no matter how much flawed and errored they are - we will slowly start to trust our decisions, our emotions - and we will be able to build more resilient personality - that takes care of our own well being and not merely reacting to people through people pleasing or not people pleasing.
Once we accept ourselves, as flawed as we are - we will start to make protest and express our needs and wants naturally, without Julien's techniques on stage which will never work in real life when we are faced with predators, skilled brainwashing love-bombing manipulators and discard narcissists of all kinds.
Sinead O'Connor told us when we speak our own truth, it will be like digging our own grave -
because we live in toxic society where narcissists are brainwashing us into people pleasing. When we people please, we are zombies, other people manipulate and control us and we silently obey to their commands.
---
YT "The Secret to Emotional Regulation... HALTing."
This is great tip...
but it is shame it does not work in real life.
IT will work perfectly in most situations where our dysregulation is not real problem: like being alone or in romantic interest where we are not in danger that they will destroy our life when we are honest.
In all other real life situations - it will not work
because halting does not depend on us.
In 99 percent of situations it is toxic people who trigger our dysregulation and it is toxic people who demand quick response from us, they demand perfection and error-less decisions from us and actions that are immediate - so we will be coerced into not halting at all.
Alternative is being fired from job - being homeless, not being able to pay our bills.
---
YT "I Assure You, It Will Make You Healthy, Wealthy & Lovable Person | Joe Dispenza"
This does not work in abusive situations, oppression - and all of us who struggle with not living in a dream are inside such situations.
---
YT "Angry? Try this simple body trick. #angry #embodiment #selfregulation #letgo #conflict #calming"
I am not sure that it is correct to push and suppress and deny our emotions such as anger.
Stigmatizing anger will allow abusers to abuse us.
Without expressing our opinion when someone hurt us - will enable them to keep on hurting us.
Being pushover is not the answer,
fawning as trauma response is the same as dangerous as Fight response.
I agree - we need to live in civilized society where we calmly resolve conflicts - but everything has its limits.
Chances are if we are watching videos like this - we are already peaceful too much and we have done more than fair share of what is ethically and morally correct to do. To prune even more is inhumane and unfair and it is self damaging.
When we are kind, nice, friendly, try to resolve conflicts in peace - and when we still feel anger emotions this is actually sign that the other person who is dysregulating us is extremely toxic and dangerous - since such person takes our peaceful and empathy as sign of weakness and something to push and cross boundaries with - and only psychopaths do that.
So our anger is the only thing that prevents predators to devour us.
Therefore, being more peaceful and nice and friendly and calm - is actually really bad and stinky advice here.
Please learn more about bad effects of CBT.
CBT must be banned, it is doing incredible psychological damage to victims of abuse.
---
YT "[Emotion Fact] Regulating Emotions: Not What You Think! 🎭🔍 - #shorts"
Finally! 99 percent of videos with self regulation theme hashtag subject are based on dissociation and denial and suppressing emotions:
like deep breathing and opening your hands tapping or whatever - as if it is us who are dysregulating ourselves just out of boredom or for fun.
We get triggered by toxic people - and this needs to be processed and understood and clear out - so that we know what to do, where to remove ourselves from and how to do that. With suppressing and pretending that there is no problem , either we will explode or toxic person will devour us - since toxic people are aggressive and predators who's purpose in life is abusing other people for fun and their ego pumping.
---
YT "5 WAYS THE INFJ BREAKS EGOS WITHOUT EVEN TRYING
"
"Very often we break egos because we try to make the other person feel better. We say, oh okay, I'm going to pretend like I'm weaker than I actually am. So you don't feel so weak in my presence. Or if I was my full-blown self and wasn't dimming my light. But as some point your true nature always comes out. And once you do that, the other person recognize you done this because you thought they were weaker. That breaks ego in a heartbeat.
"
This is oh so true.
And it is important to recognize what it happening- otherwise we might internalize false explanation that something is wrong with us.
What appears to third party as weakness and shyness and immobility and being awkward, actually
I want to spare other people from pain, anxiety, panic that I feel - so I try not to engage in conflict.
Then people interpret this as I am stupid, weak, passive and treat me accordingly- until I speak up and then it shocks them, always.
It is like realizing we need to put a price on our people pleasing and fawning and the price is The respect - the same one we give to the others in the first place.
I've heard so much ableist descriptions when I researched this topic - that other people are strong and that they can handle worries and demands and tasks and narcissistic abuse and mobbing and bullying - but they don't. Most people cannot handle it, it all.
I had a case where I warned my boderline colleague that the person in question was severely mentally ill - only to be brushed off as my over-sensitivity. It resulted in her losing her baby due to stress. She told me that she handled every kind of abuse and can fend for herself, and that I am simply too weak and sensitive, while she is strong and competent to handle everyone.
People can't handle the truth. They think they can, but they can't, they don't have mental capacity to process real life without resorting to violence, self sabotage, developing illness and dysfunctional coping mechanisms. It is crucial to recognize that most people are talkers and takers , and they boast a lot, but do not have mental capacity, true strength which they advertise about themselves around.
While most people go through life enjoying themselves , indulging in food and parties and nonsense - we actually spend each day in analyzing, that is how our brain is working, we are much ahead of other people, no matter how much they will claim that we are simply neurotic and oversensitive and weak and sissy or whatever label they quickly stuck/stick on our foreheads.
"It's not on you to make the other person feel better about themselves by making yourself small. You are everything that you are, and that includes being mentally strong."
I've learned that this process of making oneself small in order to make other person feel better is called Negative Politeness - and it appears as being pushover to the third parties. Then if we are not aware of what is going on, we might start to believe their labels, stigma and diagnosis and carry and self fulfill their wrong and unfair descriptions based on their quick bias and incorrect assessments.
I think this is similar to physical fights. It is often the man who is ashamed for being peaceful and not engaging in brawls - where being physically aggressive is perceived in our toxic society as being macho and "alpha". And if we do not engage in this cult of toxic masculinity - we will be labelled as sissy. I do not want to hurt someone even though they deserve it - I do not want to carry guilt and blame if I harm them to the point the become invalids or worse - just because of some insignificant brawl and their hormones and ego running. I see what might happen if things get carried out of hand - and most people do not see that much far ahead. Most people are shortsighted and cannot grasp all black swan events that might happen.
Accolades part also resonate with me. I really see all people on par and I do not see hierarchy as basis to make decision how will I treat someone.
---
11.8.2023
I found Humanistic psychology, Humanistic therapy as the best help for social anxiety.
And comments like this, which are online form of Group Therapy.
On the other hand,
CBT must be banned, it is detrimental
CBT presents social anxiety as weak will and it fuses trauma which explains away as a mere fear with person's worth - which leads to personality disorder. Extremely dangerous is CBT.
---
@nickelisblind A lot of mis-information here.
That is why I dislike Julien's approach - it does not provide us with all information - he only forces his agenda - which is manipulation and control. Like in Clockwork Orange. Even when he has a good intention - it is still manipulation and control and ethically and morally - this is wrong.
Think about Nikola Tesla. If he came to Julien and Julien "fixed" his autistic and ADHD mind, we would never have electricity. We would never have radio, we would never have Wi-fi. All because neurotypical person will try to fix and cure someone who appears different to the conformism and groupthink.
Well what about special contribution which is in so called weird and abnormal people?
If we are not serial killers - there is really nothing abnormal nor weird inside us. It is society that is toxic through herd mentality and crab mentality - where anyone who is slightly off from the so called norm is destroyed and punished.
Now let's dive into your thoughts:
" he's trying to stop you from putting on a mask. "
As I said , and I repeat - The Mask IS NOT BAD. Mask is not monster. Mask is not abnormality. We all have mask. We need mask. Mask can be toxic (in case of narcissists and psychopaths) - who have hidden agenda to harm and hurt other people by pretending to be something they are not through glib charm.
However all the rest of us use mask to communicate and to adjust to the other people. Similar to Start Trek Universal Translator. It allows us to make contact with other people by adjusting our personality to theirs - in order to avoid personality clash.
"Your goal isn't to please everyone but to please yourself, relax and understand yourself. "
We will never make friendship or romantic partner or good job connection with others if we don't people please. Think about it.
We need Agreeableness.
Without being open - we will become tyrants and narcissists who extort other people and take advantage of them simply because we would be afraid of being polite and nice and kind to others.
"you should have the ability to step out of your comfort zone"
Tyranny of shoulds. Whenever you caught yourself up saying you should something - this is a sign of rigid mindset. Rigid mindset is sickness, it is narcissism, it is personality disorder. Something is wrong inside our thinking when we force "shoulds" on ourselves and on other people. We don't leave space for Negotiation. Check out Glasser William Connecting habits.
"You really shouldn't even have to feel shy about talking to other people,"
Check out concept Beautiful mess - where our uniqueness is what makes us attractive to others. Paradoxically now you are building up Mask - even when you think you don't. You want to mask away your true personality with generic groupthink image of what perfect person must look like and sound like.
"it should be easy,"
Occam's rasor. It will be much easier when you do not fight yourself and your particularities, and your perks and quirks and little things that make you different from others in special way.
"but yet you can't do such a simple thing"
We can't do them due to trauma and abuse.. We were exposed to ACoA and judgment of society that scrutinize and stigmatize shyness as abnormality and sickness. Society is hurting and harming us - that is why we can't do simple things. Not because there is something wrong with us.
" They're not superhumans, they don't have the ability to hear me from that distance"
That is why there is a Mask. When you notice that other people can't hear you - you need to put on Universal Translator, adjust your volume in order to make contact with other people.
See how you flip off Mask concept.
You reject Mask concept - and you plan to replace it with fake Mask of being narcissists, strong and someone who others will admire and worship.
That is wrong with Julien - he is instructing you to become narcissist.
Narcissism is the easiest "cure" for social anxiety. And then you simply pass on trauma and social anxiety onto the next generation by abusing people who are shy. Like Julien is doing.
" but I'm just a 15 year old kid"
This is exactly why I am talking here.
I started to develop social anxiety as 13, 14 years old. I never had anyone talking to me about it, what it is -
instead I received Juliens in the world who explained away social anxiety as abnormality and sickness and something that we cure and destroy by becoming obnoxious and loud. Which will never work - since social anxiety is trauma, it is based on narcissistic abuse - and we will simply get re-traumatized when we become narcissistic.
We are not monsters - we have empathy, that is our greatest asset, we are born with it, and there is nothing to cure.
Instead of becoming annoying and irritating - it is about embracing ourselves and building up our persona, who we truly are - and then we won't be afraid of talking and expressing ourselves and being honest.
Doing this mechanically and on force as Julien is talking - is wrong approach.
---
YT "From Puppy Love to Deadly Obsession: The Jamie Fuller Story | Emma Kenny Crime Time"
Narcissism must be taken seriously - predators being observed by authorities, banned from working with people in management positions, banned from having drivers license..
Just look what power he had on his pals - that he helped him with murder, to what extent the narc abuse goes.
With today's technology, narcissism, psychopathy can be discovered with brain scans. We have technology to weed out criminals from healthy society, we have the technology to prevent murders and crime and abuse.
---
YT "How to Accept Terrible Intrusive Thoughts"
Nice overview of self lobotomy.
Basically if we are narcissistic person - and let's say we block video from our channel which is based on mental health and not profit just for the sake of our narcissistic ego - then we will block our intrusive thoughts that we are horrible person that is toxic.
We don't care about information and help to other people, we simply are really toxic and obnoxious stubborn person that blocks any information about who we really are.
That will get us stuck in being really horrible person - without means of change.
Or if we are Rush Stockton and we occasionally get what will appear to our narcissistic mentality as "intrusive" thoughts when we fire Security Chief who warns us about carbon fibre not being safe for passenger.
So we will lean onto CBT crap about where we want to go; to make money on carbon fibre --- only to end up killing 4 passengers along with us because we blocked "intrusive" thoughts about safety in our make shift submersible.
So idea to block our reality warnings is not so healthy as this video tries to brainwash us with.
Sometimes our own well being is not so much important. Sometimes other people and their safety is more important then our selfish narcissistic ego that is slightly psychopathic.
When we block contrary information and information that is opposite than our magical thinking and narcissistic fantasies - we do not become healthy.
We become mentally ill.
---
I wrote to him how blocking information will not work in narcissistic abuse a few years ago.
And all he replied was being rude and self involved. Sometimes our life is not so important - and we really need to stick our head out of our butt and see that there are real people around ourselves - and that our pain is not so much urgent to be focused on. His videos entice narcissism - that we are self obsessed with our desires and goals and that we destroy any countervailing information that might feel painful to us - because it is true and real.
---
Perhaps these intrusive thoughts are alarms that we have done something wrong and that we are toxic and self involved and narcissistic?
---
What would be a difference is we were horrible narcissistic person who is abusing others and treat other people like garbage - and then block guilt and shame with your tools to develop narcissism?
---
Flash news: intrusive thoughts are shame and guilt - which are warning us that we might have done something wrong OR we are being manipulated by narcissist.
Blocking this information and not processing it - will not help us in well being at all.
---
Narcissists and borderliners love information which will help them block guilt and shame which they feel after abusing other people around them.
--
The analogy he forgot to use is patriarchy and that heterosexual males will resolve life issues just because of their genitalia.
Not because they have developed well being or focused their thoughts away from intrusive thoughts.
That information about entitlement and privilege is not presented here.
---
"if we haven’t done anything wrong"
Narcissists will always claim this - because they live in delusion.
Then blocking any information will keep trapped narcissistic person in narcissism.
Blocking any processing and reality is always a bad idea. Please check more information about intrusive thoughts - not only internet gurus who are very rude as person and then they use these techniques to block their abnormality and abuse.
---
Sometimes it is hard when narcissists use psychology tips like in this video how to stop intrusive thoughts (which is their guilt and shame of how they treat other people) and then go on and abuse other people with their blocking in full operation.
---
"Sounds like demons to me"
Luckily enough we live in science age where Pope Holy Crusades and voodoo magic is thing of the past and we have actual names based on scientific research, not wives' tales.
---
YT "How to deal with unwanted/intrusive thoughts"
Audio is really low.
So - if we have intrusive thoughts about how our message is not heard in video - actually these intrusive thoughts would not be bad - they would propel us to make better and more quality video the next time.
Just because some though is intrusive it does no mean it is sickness nor abnormality that must be destroyed and denied and pushed down.
Sometimes we are egocentric and have no idea that our actions, opinions, words hurt other people. Then the only clue we might receive is - intrusive thought.
IF we decide to ignore it - we will ignore the fact that we are really obnoxious person who is disgusting and needs social skills to improve.
IF we have intrusive thoughts - it is really an alarm system:
1) that either we have done something wrong that we are not fully aware of so it comes in form of shame and guilt
OR
2) that we are in toxic ambient with toxic person who is projecting their abnormality through criticism and nitpicking into us.
So if we decide to block intrusive thoughts - we will allow toxic people to abuse us, and we will become toxic person who is abusing others.
Intrusive thoughts need to be processed. Not denied or suppressed.
Narcissists live in delusional world filled with thwarted reality and they filter reality through the prism of them being grand. They have shaky ego inside which they try to defend and build on hurting and harming other people.
So they will feel intrusive thoughts - because of shame and guilt which are normal reactions when they hurt and abuse someone.
Therefore - idea to block intrusive thoughts - will enable psychopaths and sociopaths to abuse other people.
Intrusive thoughts need to be processed. Not blocked. Not accepted. Not denied. Not talked to. Not let go.
But processed. Intrusive thoughts need to be examined in laboratory non shaming environment, without judgements and without stigma or labelling - and we need to check if we are toxic or are we gaslighted by toxic person.
---
YT "When You Let the Intrusive Thoughts In"
When we deal with such intrusive thought - this is because of abuse and toxic people, ACE and ACoA.
That is trauma stuck inside our body and it is called Complex Trauma.
We cannot turn if off at the switch of a button - but we need to de-condition ourselves and learn how to trust ourselves - as it is presented in this video - where we have full trust in our "sound check" and show must go on attitude.
The flip side of this - is when we are toxic person and our intrusive thoughts try to warn us that we are obnoxious, toxic and narcissistic through waves of shame and guilt.
So - intrusive thoughts are not always wrong nor negative - sometimes they are instructors and trainers that help us become nicer and healthier version of ourselves - by alarming us when we go over-board. Without intrusive thoughts - we would become Trump or Putin and invade Ukraine and commit war atrocities with empathy gap inside us.
---
YT "Do THIS to Slow Intrusive Thoughts Right Away! I #shorts"
"Choose not to give it your attention"
I dunno.
1) what if we are really toxic person and abuse other people but due to narcissism we live in delusional world where we warp reality where we are constant victim. ANd the only clue are intrusive thoughts of shame and guilt? Then not giving them our attention - will keep us stuck in being horrible person with abnormal social anti social skills.
2) What if we deal with borderline person who appears as good person to us - but constantly nitpick our mistakes and orders us how to talk and what to speak. Then we will get intrusive worry thoughts - which if we ignore - we will let toxic person to abuse us,
3) what if we are in toxic job where we experience covert mobbing - which other people explain away as us being over-sensitive, sissy and weak. Then our intrusive thoughts will actually be the only signal that we are being gaslighted and abused. Choosing to ignore such warning signals will keep us trapped in toxic place for life.
Intrusive thoughts need processing, not pushing them down.
---
"I would compare it to addiction"
This seems like over.simplification to me.
What if we are in toxic ambient where other people abuse us. Then our intrusive thoughts will be triggered by toxic people- and they will cause us to worry. Not our brain. Then to blame ourselves and to self pathologize ourselves - it will destroy our self worth - and then we won't have immunity to stand up for ourselves and actually not believe toxic people lies about us.
"Your mind is tricking you in avoiding life"
That is actually called Trauma. That is not mind at all. That is trauma being stuck inside our body. IT is called Complex Trauma - and it is part of Operand Conditioning which we experienced in ACE ACoA childhood.
Again - if we decide to go along with CBT explanation that our mind is abnormal and sick (while our brain is functioning totally normal) we will end up with self pathology and stigma - and then self fulfilling prophecy will kick in: we will destroy our self worth - because we will end up with false belief that our brain is somehow broken and that we are weak and that we are abnormal in some sort. This is very dangerous false explanation which can lead us to lobotomy and making operations which have no basis in reality.
If we end up with CBT belief that our brain is sick and that we cannot rely on our common sense and judgement - we will break the will inside us, we will destroy our confidence, self worth and we will end up with severe codependency issues and attract plethora of narcissists who will gladly explain us what is "true" reality" and how we are suppose to live our life.
Please drop CBT, it is doing incredible psychological damage and it is based on corruption of pharma mafia - that we become addicts to pills.
---
YT "Unveiling the Fun: Embrace and Laugh at Hilarious Intrusive Thoughts #shorts #hilarious"
So if we are horrible toxic person and then get shame and guilt as intrusive thoughts - we need to laugh them off and ignore that we are horrible person which must change his way?
---
When we push down our emotions they come up as lupus, auto-immune diseases, allergy, skin rash, cancer. I would really stop self pathologizing ourselves and trying to fix ourselves and blame ourselves for reacting in panic to someone who is evil and mentally ill and anti-social.
IT is really okay to feel all uncomfortable emotions if we are abused and we cannot leave. Any reaction in self blame is actually self abuse.
---
"What you think that person is thinking of you is not what they are thinking"
How do you know that?
WE cannot read other people minds.
Many narcissists and psychopaths wear fake mask and they will never admit that they are thinking how to abuse their targets.
Many people are hapless in psychology and emotions and they suppress what they think - so they have no idea what they are actually thinking.
But somehow you come up with idea that you know for certain what other people think. That is magical thinking, it is not healthy.
"It is what you are thinking of yourself"
If you make yourself believe into some magical explanation - that will become reality through self fulfilling prophecy.
"You can't know what they are thinking so how are you perceiving that. You 're perceiving that because that is what you believe. Therefore it is projection"
That is Complex Trauma.
We were in ACE ACoA abuse bullying experience - and that is Operand Conditioning going on. We were not born with Projection. And we did not caught projection out in the street or by sharing a doorknob or umbrella.
These kind of intrusive thoughts are programmed hypnosis which only develop in toxic ambient over long period of time.
When you accept ableist CBT explanations - you will self blame yourself and you will convince yourself that toxic people do not exist - then we will end up with codependency and personality disorder - since we won't have truth in our brain, we won't have ability to believe our brain that is capable to interpret reality.
That is why ableist CBT is extremely dangerous for anyone gone through abuse - it is based on self pathologizing and rationalizing abuse as if it is our fault for being abused.
"Those people are not thinking those negative things about you"
How do you know that?
How can you know?
What if we live in shame culture ambient and there is the whole culture of judging other people?
What then?
"Heal deeper"
What ableist CBT brainwash us is dissociation - that we rationalize abuse and toxic people as our hallucination and our inability to interpret reality.
No, please do not go into part 2. This lobotomy exercise was enough.
---
WE never make decisions on our fear. Our brain is always calculating the best decision - based on environment, our experience and punishments and Maslow needs. If we are inside toxic ambient, our decisions will calculate the risk of narcissistic abuse - which is causing OCD issues in the first place.
--
(12.8.2023)
"you called my reaction like I'm uneducated "
Not at all. Society is toxic. If we want education we will be innudated with CBT crap and wrong information, surface level data that does more harm than good.
"trying to educate others "
What I am doing here is more than pontificate or criticize or be overlord -
What my goal here is that people do not waste 30 years of their lives being hooked onto surface level information which is created for someone personal profit, not to actually help us.
13.5.2023
Now the question is why we are not explained about this golden prison?
Why we are explained as we are defective and we must perform circus tricks and invest emotional and behavioral deposits in order to attain our own approval?
---
YT "What is Transcendental Idealism?"
Amazing discovery by Kant 300 years ago, without help of computers, deeper education, books, media, Tv, movies. It takes amazing intelligence to come through this idea. We need to appreciate Kant's brilliancy and mastership. He comes from the age/culture/toxic ambient where illness was considered a bad luck that gets cured by leeches or prayers and where art was consider painting people's butts.
"When God looks at these objects, (s)he would see that these objects are not independent existent things of our mind in that transcendental realm."
I see it like this -
Dogs see only a few colors - gray, white, possible red, shades of some basic colors. Bees, ants, spiders - insects see reality through prism - because their purpose is to be an insect. Their mind, eyes were not developed to read books - so they experience very limited reality which functions for their purpose that they were reincarnated into.
In the same manner, most people are egocentric, especially in Third world countries, poor countries, Eastern Europe - people are focused on their genitalia, feces and aggression - as the only source of purpose in life.
We can then suppose that higher Being, highly evolved aliens, artificial intelligence, Western world, Buddha - would have much more wider perspective in life - as oppose Balkan primitive people or criminals or cocaine abusers. Where one person is concerned to get sex and money and Diogenes lifestyle of debauchery & STD orgy as the only purpose in life - other see life as a training centre and get education and have empathy to help others - which has much higher and better and civilized purpose in life than mafia clan member from Kosovo, Dalmatia or Albania for example.
Therefore a Higher Being would see desires and subjects which dogs, bees and primitive people are concerned about are only a partial and incomplete - there is a higher purpose which dogs, bees and criminals cannot grasp due to their limited brain capacities. For humans there is no excuse - egocentrism in adults is the mental illness and it has to be cured with education and becoming social through developing empathy.
--
(14.8.2023)
YT "Michael Scott's take on exposure therapy #mentalhealth #socialanxiety #anxiety"
Exposure will not work for social anxiety.
Social anxiety is complex trauma, it is not a mere shyness.
Shyness always goes away with exposure.
On the other hand, due to trauma and operand conditioning which gives birth to toxic shame and PureO, even though there is exposure - the trauma and panic will still linger on and on.
Social anxiety can be Functional - which means - even though socially anxious person will expose, the root of anxiety is still there and it will not go away with exposure.
In fact, exposure will add up to stress and trauma already present inside the body. It is like diving in deep pressure with carbon fibre - it will crack and implode eventually. The exposure will not make carbon fibre immune to deep pressure.
Also, approaching social anxiety as if people are little children who are afraid of something is invalidation and patronizing and morally and ethically it is manipulation and control.
People who suffer from social anxiety need validation and acceptance, not telling what they must do to get "strong". Social anxiety does not mean that people with it have low IQ or that they don't know how to make decisions in life.
By approaching them as little children who need to be told what to do - you are doing incredible psychological damage to them, please read quotes below.
---
YT "Social Anxiety Sucks"
"It's basically where you think others are constantly looking at you, judging you"
That is only 10% of social anxiety, it is very surface level information which CBT and DSM are pumping to wealthy Americans in order to extort money from victims of abuse. What CBT and DSM are doing is criminal offense and it is biggest fraud in the history of mankind, from medical industry.
In reality - socially anxious are looking at others - and this is what CBT does not tell us. CBT instructs us to develop victim mentality - and this is because CBT is targeting anti-social narcissists and psychopaths with therapy for social anxiety - 0,5% of population is targeted, while the rest of us are sacrificed, we are collateral damage in the process of mass control.
In reality - we look at others and we evaluate them whether they will attack us.
We do this because we were abused as children. ACoA, ACE, bullying. So we are in defense mode, survival mode all the time, hypervigilance. We look at other people (while Jordan Peterson is spreading CBT lies that we do not look at other people), we zoom onto other people like with a microscope - we watch for their tone of voice, facial gestures, are they angry, will they say something wrong about us, and we also do everything to appease others in order no to be hostile - like fawning, shutting up, being silent and immobile. This deeper information is banned by corrupt ableist CBT and DSM. And instead - CBT is brainwashing us and gaslighting us into cleverly mechanism which is depicted in Clockwork Orange (1971) - where the true target of CBT are potential serial killers, murders, abusers, violent deranged anti-social scum.
CBT is designed as quick therapy for 8 hours maximum to clam down criminals and anyone committing some violent act. CBT was not designed as a long term therapy for anyone outside mental institution who is outside of his control.
"It is not because I am self centered, I try to help others with any opportunity I get"
Yep. You are collaborating on my text. Socially anxious people are not self involved as CBT tries to place stigma and labels on us in order to ashame us into what ableist CBT thinks is a normal behavior. We went through trauma and now we are afraid of pain and being hurt by other people and we will fawn to others and become codependent and fix other people. That is what any victim /target of mental abuse and coercive control will do: self blame and fix other people problems and emotions.
"That's the only way how my brain thinks will make up for how terrible I am"
Due to ACoA narcissistic abuse we were hypnotized into deep toxic shame belief that we are incompetent and unacceptable - and then we overcompensate by appeasing other people and avoiding their potential wrath - that we experienced over long period of time.
"In reality I am not that bad person"
Not at all. The very fact we developed social anxiety is a sign we care for other people a lot. We are empaths and HSPs - and due to exposure to narcissistic abuse we believe we are error and we must overcompensate for basic fault in our personality all the time. And CBT joins into this narcissistic abuse and gaslight us into a belief that we are self centered and self involved.
"My brain is in constant spiral"
That is called Neurodiversity. It is concept which CBT tries to ban - because it will not make profit for medical mafia when we really understand this truth about people's brains: that there are different people and different brains out there, and that we do not need to be slaves to North Korea one-sidedness which CBT and toxic society tries to brainwash us into, neuro-typicals.
"I feel I have this expectation of myself that I never could live up to"
Toxic shame. That is internalized toxic shame, projected and integrated and brainwashed into us by untreated mentally ill person that criticized us all the time in early age, when our brain was developing and supposed to receive love, care, protection and acceptance and validation. Instead it got toxic empathy and toxic protection that we were a mere object that was suppose to regulate someone mentally ill around us.
"In my brain I think I suck"
Self-flagellation. Common trait of ACoA and ACE, someone who's been emotionally abused over long period of time.
"I wind up putting my needs in front of my own"
That is called Fawning - Fawn is 4th trauma response. It is not wrong behavior - it is defense mechanism that helps us survive toxic people and toxic ambient, narcissistic abuse and coercive control. Without it, other people would punish us.
"Put in terrible spiral not taking care of myself because I take care of others"
That is called Codependency. Common after-effect of abuse. We are criticized about smallest errors and gaslit into being abuser that causes harm to other people - our empathy gets triggered and we try to fix other people, those who complain. That's how we get stuck in codependency - by predators parasiting on our desire not to harm other people by our wrong actions. Instead of validating ourselves - we place all our focus in fixing other people and their supposed problems which they blame us with and guilt'trip us into believing we caused them harm and it is our duty to repair the so called damages.
"Maybe something is wrong with me, I'm the problem"
We did not catch these trauma codependency issues in the street like a light cold. We did not sprinkle ourselves with guilt tripping and feeling toxic shame all the time. People are born only with 2 fears: Fear of falling and Fear of loud noises. We were not born with shame or guilt or living in survival mode all the time, being hypervigilant. These are all conditioned hypnosis, after-effect of being exposed to verbal and psychological abuse as children while our psyche was developing.
So we are gaslit into believing that we are at fault, that we are problem. Never abusers. Never narcissists. It is us - narcissists first attack out awareness who we are.
"Has harmful intent"
That is due to exposure to narcissistic abuse. We start to distrust other people - that is called Generalization in Operand Conditioning.
"No one is saying that, except if they are jerks"
With exposure to abuse we will notice jerks quite easily.
People often use microinvalidations all the time - and we will be triggered. Triggers are basic part of Complex Trauma.
"Get treated"
When CBT explains us that we are problem - we will never get treated. There is nothing to treat.
We are not anti-social abnormal serial killers. There is nothing to fix inside us. CBT will gaslit us into belief we are abnormal and that we must fix ourselves. That will create mental illness and personality disorder.
---
Your brain is not dumb at all.
Abuse (ACoA, ACE) made us believe in such lies.
Our brain tries to protect us against trauma and abuse that we experienced as children (relentless criticism 24/7 in time when our brain was developing).
Social anxiety is perfect solution to abnormal people in our past, abnormal people in our present and toxic ambient versus our empathy and being highly sensitive and neurodivergent.
We cannot survive otherwise in this toxic world when we are programmed to hate ourselves and forge toxic shame inside us all the time. The only way to survive is to fawn and to self blame in such operand conditioning and toxic ambient.
---
YT "Social Anxiety Causing School Refusal Numbers To Rise"
People are massively waking up that we live in toxic world where narcissists have created Pathocracy - legalized system of government, police, judicial and state institutions without empathy and it is based on their cocaine addition and criminal acts enabled by law, abuse and accumulation of wealth with byproduct of evil criminals being ableism. Normal people will of course feel that something is wrong and that we are abused by narcissists and psychopaths who are committing evil without any sanctions since toxic system protects them - hence social anxiety.
---
YT "Can Social Anxiety Be Cured?"
There is nothing to cure.
If we are not serial killers, if we are not anti-social, if we have no hidden agenda to harm other people - there is nothing broken inside us to cure.
Feeling unworthy is toxic shame. That is Complex Trauma. That is Operand Conditioning of ACoA ACE experiences.
So the problem is trauma - and trauma cannot be cured. Trauma is shock that is stuck inside our body, it was never released, we never learned how to process it.
Zebra shake their stress off when they are attacked by lions. We never shake it off - instead trauma and abuse got stuck inside us as toxic shame and anxiety.
"Going from social anxiety to normal"
This is critical point - what is normal? Who defines normal? Who says what is the norm?
Now we are talking about Neurotypical brains - group think, herd mentality, conformism. There is also Neurodivergent concept. If someone believes that the only norm is neurotypical groupthink behavior - that is called Ableism. Or narcissism. fascism, neo-nazi rigid mindset, North Korea ordering us what kind of hairstyle is approved.
"Society highly values its normal man. It educates children to lose themselves and to become absurd, and thus to be normal."
R. D. Laing
When we are concerned about being extraordinary - that is toxic shame. That is narcissism. We reject the idea that human beings are vulnerable and limited - and we start to develop toxic idea that we are super humans in order to overcompensate on our deep toxic shame - which was caused by ACoA and ACE abuse in childhood (relentless criticism by mentally ill parent who was abused as child into being extraordinary to cover up being flawed simple human being).
Paradox is when we try to overcompensate inferiority complex - we will never become normal nor extraordinary, we will be stuck in codependency and being needy and hypervigilant and perfectionist and never truly at easy, never being truly relaxed. That is anxiety.
"The way you talk to yourself"
If you talk to yourself that you are abnormal and that you must perform circus tricks to be normal - that is putting yourself down, That is self abuse. That is toxic inner coach. You are telling yourself that your feelings and reactions to abnormal people is abnormality and sickness. Suppressing our emotions leads to mental illness.
"Learn to calm and sooth yourself"
Dude, if you talk yourself to be abnormal for having feelings emotions and reactions - you will never ever be calm and you will never ever sooth yourself.
"Take bold actions"
That is called Functional anxiety. Anxiety is still there, but now it is masked, suppressed, denied, dissociated and you become zombie who depends on other people to admire, narcissism.
---
This is surface level information, really.
Psychology is boring to most people and when they get to look at ice bergs they wonder how nice it looks, without realizing that there is huge chunk that is hidden from view, below the surface.
IT is much easier to go through life with filter and not seeing reality, not educating yourself or get surface level information and get stuck with it because that is pleasant and comfortable.
---
Shadow does not mean pain or hurt or abuse.
Shadow is what we find boring and annoying about ourselves so we put it in shadow and never look at it or take care of it. Out of sight, out of mind mentality.
Then trauma grows and hit us over our heads.
---
"do it in 2 weeks"
Shyness.
You are describing shyness all the time - not actual social anxiety.
Shyness goes away very quickly with exposure.
Social anxiety does not.
---
Socially anxious are already focused on other people.
NArcissists like him are focused on himself only, that is why he talks this nonsense that has nothing to do with actual social anxiety.
What Narcissists and psychopaths like him feel is narcissistic injury - and he interprets this uncomfortable narcissistic feeling as social anxiety, because that makes him less evil. So he is actually parasite.
Socially anxious are already zoomed onto other people - that happens due to abuse and being abused by abnormal evil alcoholic monsters like him. So socially anxious will look at other people, they will read other people's facial gestures and tone of voice - to predict potential aggression and abuse.
He is mentally ill and evil. He is instructing young men how to develop mental illness, narcissism and abnromality.
---
YT "Strategies to Overcome Social Anxiety"
1) Gradually expose yourself to social situations.
- then anxiety will become Functional and it will turn into trauma and PTSD. IT will create massive mental health damage.
2) Practice deep breathing.
- any reaction to anxiety strengthens the anxiety and leads to OCD rituals. Mood alternations.
3) Challenge negative thoughts and replace them.
- Leads to OCD. If we are in mobbing toxic abuse ambient - changing our thoughts that we are safe will keep us trapped in abnormal ambient and abuse.
4) Seek support from friends.
- Socially anxious do not have friends. Because of social anxiety (trauma).
5) Join social groups to build confidence.
- Social anxiety is not lack of anything. IF we are instructed to believe that we are weak - we will develop toxic shame.
6. Focus on the present moment and not on other's judgements.
- What if our present moment IS other's judgements?
What then, Sherlock?
---
YT "4 Positive Affirmations For Social Anxiety (Try Before Going Out!) #affirmations #happyconscious"
This affirmation never helped. In fact - it increases anxiety since now my brain is aware that I must be calm and confident - while toxic ambient is toxic and outside of my control no matter how much I am capable and confident.
---
YT "3 ways to combat social anxiety
"
1) You can't own something if you label it as a sickness or enemy to destroy.
2) Develop practice - presence. Any reaction to anxiety leads to OCD and mental illness. If we are in danger and around toxic people who cause social anxiety - slowing it down will enable their abuse to continue.
3) Volunteer to event - You interpret social anxiety as if we are people with low IQ or with abnormal skills raised in a jungle who must be forced to socialize with other people to become normal. With this stigma, you will entice social anxiety, not "combat" it.
Go back to the drawing board.
--
" but being in public"
And this video talks nothing about trauma nor narcissistic abuse or mobbing. Instead this CBT video is instructing us to self blame and self pathologize our natural and normal reactions to toxic people who cause social anxiety in the first place.
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"what level of social participation is authentic?"
Social anxiety means social+anxiety.
IT is not called self anxiety.
When we feel social anxiety we are pretty much authentic and honest and raw about how we react to toxic ambient.
Which you never mention at all.
Your ableist video is about self blame and self pathologizing.
Not toxic people who cause anxiety in other people by being rude to others.
---
Surface level information in your video does not cover the true cause and motor of social anxiety.
Instead you self blame victims of abuse to feel guilty and ashamed for reacting in panic to narcissists and psychopaths.
---
YT "7 Best Advice to Overcome Social Anxiety"
"Social anxiety can be roadblock to enjoying social interactions"
Nope. It is toxic people who block fully engaging in life and social events. It is narcissists who are intrusive and constantly nitpicking , mocking, criticizing and creating drama out of nothing.
"The fear of judgement and scrutiny"
Nope. That is CBT false explanation of social anxiety. Social anxiety is actually fear of expressing OUR OWN judgement and scrutiny when we need to stop narcissists, psychopaths and abnormal people from being intrusive and aggressive. CBT is gaslighting us into victim mentality, brainwashing us that we believe we have fears. It is not fear - this is trauma. It is Operand Conditioning, forged in ACoA and ACE childhood - such as being exposed to constant criticism by untreated mentally ill parent.
"Social anxiety is manageable"
That CBT approach is called suppression and dissociation, lobotomy. It leads to mental illness, suppressing our emotions and making anxiety functional. With fawning which CBT promotes, we will enable abusers to abuse us.
"Right strategy of mindset"
This CBT brainwashing sets us up for stigma and self pathologizing. IT is that we stop believing our brain and that we never trust our brain, our reactions to abuse and our interpretations of common sense and facts about what is happening around us.
"Recognize and acknowledge your feelings"
When we feel social anxiety that is entrainment - narcissists are projecting negative emotions and negative thoughts onto us. There is nothing to recognize in us.. We are being invaded by predators.
"Gradual exposure"
Will re-traumatize us. We will end up with fawning and enabling abusers to keep on abusing us due to Operand Conditioning.
"Mindfulness"
Is this: "The self-absorption paradox describes the contradictory association whereby higher levels of self-awareness are simultaneously associated with higher levels of psychological distress and with psychological well-being."
CBT is literally programming us to develop mental illness.
"Develop social skills"
Here CBT is blaming us for having lacking skills. In reality - with social anxiety we have empathy and ability to put ourselves in other people shoes - which 80% of people do not have. We have more social skills than 80% of population and CBT is instructing us to believe we are uncivil animals without skills.
---
YT"Social Anxiety Treatments"
Orgy of ableism and neurotypical nonsense.
Social anxiety is not only going to parties.
Social anxiety is also not having money, it is socio - economic issue. It is neurodivergence, so it is biological, there is nothing to cure. Being HSP is not sickness, nor abnormality.
CBT is committing Dispositional Attribution, (it is something within the person we observe ie their personality) as oppose to Situational attribution (caused by something outside the person we observe, ie their situation).
This happens because CBT is "therapy" intended for rich Americans, to extort money from them. CBT will work only for the rich neurotypicals only - someone who has money to buy off their stress (change job quickly, have influence and matrix to protect them). For example white entitled heterosexual male born into privilege will find another job quickly and be paid much more than anyone else and will experience much less abuse and mobbing and bullying. Similar to Brown Eye Blue Eye experiment by Jane Eliott from 1968.
Then for white heterosexual make, CBT appears as some magical cure for any anxiety while in reality it is their white genitalia that is opening doors to happiness and success in his entitled and privileged life.
3:55 "Go up to hiker and tell them Can I speak with you for a moment"
Why would you feel entitled to harass other people around you just to clean your anxiety away? Do you know how privileged and entitled and narcissistic this is? People are not here to serve us. What if hiker has severe social anxiety and stranger approaching would seem like trauma shock. That never occurs to you because you are egocentric and narcissistic and see the world and people as something that revolves around you that must kneel down and serve you and your needs and issues at your whim. Highly narcissistic, entitled and privileged.
4:04 "Tell them you have been struggling with social anxiety your whole life"
Why would we harass other people and frighten them with psychological concepts which 90% of population have no idea that exist and they see it only through the prism of serial killers and stigma? Simply horrible entitlement and narcissism here. Disgusting really.
People are not our slaves that we can abuse whenever we feel down.
4:38 "You're going to do that"
That is coercive control. That is actually criminal offense in some states. This is manipulation and control and it is highly ethically and morally wrong to order people to do something which is none of their will. You are literally abusing patients. Your license should be revoked.
4:40 "If you want to be cured"
You are making people dissociated, you are not curing them. You are making them to suppress their natural emotions and push them down. You are instructing socially anxious to develop personality disorder and to become zombie depended on your orders and commands.
4:48 "He was trembling"
You are abusing patients. You are guilt tripping them. This what you are doing is narcissistic abuse, it is psychological abuse. You weaponize psychology to harm and hurt traumatized victims of abuse. Your CBT method will not make them stronger - social anxiety is trauma, it will not go away with exposure.
5:48 "I am shy, he told to this fellow"
This is hiking trip. In real life we will meet narcissists and psychopaths who will actually abuse personal information and personal fears to abuse victims of abuse. You have no idea what kind of damage you are doing here with your weaponized psychiatry.
Just horrible what I am listening here.
6:35 "They become best friends"
That is great fantasy - but in real life - social anxiety will occur with narcissistic abuse and bullying and mobbing. And telling abnormal psychopaths that we are afraid of them - predators will use this crucial information for free abuse. They will know we have no boundaries, that we lack self worth due to exposure to narcissists like you, they will know we are easy to manipulate and control and they will destroy our lives with constant criticism which caused social anxiety in the first place during ACoA ACE childhood.
I can't believe the amount of over-generalization which actually CBT uses to label fears and trauma as sickness in the first place.
7:18 "All of our feelings including social anxiety comes from negative thoughts, messages we give ourselves and those thoughts are always nearly disorted. And when you change the way you think you stop believing those thoughts. You can change the way you feel"
OMG. Jesus Christ.
First of all, social anxiety comes from Operand Conditioning. It is hypnosis. It is trauma - it stems from ACoA, ACE- when we have untreated mentally ill parent who criticize us all the time, invalidates us and finds faults and errors ALL THE TIME. That is where social anxiety comes from. We were not born with negative thoughts. We did no caught negative thoughts in the cold like some random cold or sneeze. We are born with only 2 fears: fear of falling and fear of loud noises. Everything else is learned and programmed.
Secondly, when we follow CBT ideology that we cannot trust our own brain - we will develop severe personality disorder. We will distrust our brain and our common sense - and then we will develop severe codependency - where we will depend on other people to explain us reality. That leads to fawning and narcissistic abuse - where predators will sniff our self hatred and exploit it.
Thirdly, when we change how we think - we are nitpicking our brain - and we are abusing ourselves. We go through the same narcissistic abuse which causes social anxiety in the first place - since we are now terrible afraid of being different or abnormal, and we are instructed by faulty CBT to chase perfectionism and narcissism: building a fake image of superiority and overcompensation for our deep seated abnormality which CBT brainwash us to believe in.
Fourthly, CBT will gaslit us into distrusting our own conclusions - when we are abused - we will believe we are experiencing social anxiety - which CBT says is hallucination - and now abusers are free to abuse us, since we won't do anything to protect ourselves. We will believe we are causing all the problems.
CBT must be banned, it is doing incredible psychological damage to victims of abuse, mobbing and bullying.
7:45 "Behaviorist think avoidance is the cause of all anxiety"
Bunch of BS.
I can prove this in a second: Socially anxious person will not feel any anxiety when he is 1-on-1. Therefore, avoidance or non-avoidance has nothing to do with social anxiety. This is CBT myth. CBT is horrible ableist therapy, it is horrendous that CBT medieval techniques are used in 21st century.
Think of Rush Stockton - he believed that his carbon fibre can work in deep pressure environment - until it imploded. The same way as trauma - it is carbon fibre. It will implode in deep pressure, it will not become stronger, as Rush believed himself due to his entitlement and narcissism.
Another example is Michael Jackson or Prince - they both had severe social anxiety - which was Functional for them. This means - they exposed a lot. They had concerts in front of billions of people - without any anxiety at all, they made movies without problems. But their unresolved trauma ended in tragedy for both of them.
---
YT "Social Anxiety and Sissy Porn -- Hidden Connection REVEALED!"
"It often stems from childhood where we didn't feel like we were "man enough" or cool enough, we weren't basically good enough for women or some variation of it. Maybe we weren't man enough for our dad or for God, whatever, we didn't feel like we were good enough and that impacted our self-esteem. But is also impacted our social skills, for example selective focus."
This makes sense.
It is ACoA, ACE experience in childhood where we are criticized invalidated ALL THE TIME, without stopping, relentless criticism - in age when our brain was developing and psyche was supposed to be validated and accepted to grow into confident adult - we received verbal emotional abuse all the time instead of parenting.
---
YT "How I Overcame Social Anxiety!"
That is called Narcissism and building fake image, it is mental illness. Dissociation and suppressing one's natural and normal emotions.
You are weaponizing psychology and marketing narcissism.
---
YT "Are you feeling overwhelmed in a social setting? 🦋 #socialanxiety #anxious #foryou #yougogirlfriend"
You mix up shyness with social anxiety.
Shy people see social events only as parties and they are obsessed with becoming "confident".
Shyness goes away with exposure - when there is no open narcissistic abuse. This makes you susceptible to covert narcissists and manipulators of all sorts. Like Jennifer Jason Leigh character in movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982).
On the other hand, social anxiety is not primarily concerned about confidence or parties.
It is based on ACoA ACE trauma.
Problem is when you mix up social anxiety with shyness is you place false messages out there.
Now it appears as if social anxiety is a matter of will power or being "strong" or going to parties.
You superimpose shyness onto social anxiety - and CBT picks this up, whereas CBT cannot discern difference between shyness and social anxiety.
Then shy people create false explanation of social anxiety and this is doing incredible psychological damage to truly socially anxious people - who were traumatized - since their trauma is never expected, and social anxiety is explained away as personal fault and abnormality that must be cured and destroyed away.
---
I don't like that.
Cults never ended with mental health.
That is why I dislike any advice giving.
We have to realize that our personal lives are different than others and what are solutions for us may be poison to others.
We only need information and data - and trust our brain it will calculate all and give best product - instead of blindly copy pasting other people's generic groupthink solutions.
---
Any technique is extremely detrimental - because at the core of social anxiety is internalized toxic shame belief that we are inept and that our brain is incompetent and we have no skills to manage life or people. This is a lie, implanted during ACoA ACE years through constant criticism and nitpicking from untreated mentally ill parent who was a narcissist.
So - when someone explains us in patronizing way about what we must do, and perform circus trick - is actually nothing else but trauma and abuse, where we are put into victim mentality being a poor victim and Rescuer is some strong persona better than us that must order us how to feel, what to do and how to think - since it enforces toxic shame belief that we are incapable of doing so.
---
YT "Open Up: Managing Social Anxiety with Stoic Techniques"
"At its core social anxiety stems from a heightened fear of negative judgement"
Nope.
At the core of social anxiety is trauma (Complex trauma) and ACoA ACE in childhood (exposure to relentless criticism and fault findings where we internalized general belief that we cannot trust ourselves, that we are inept and that we are incompetent and that we must depend on other people to tell us what to think).
Social anxiety is not fear of negative judgement as CBT tries to brainwash us, but social anxiety in fact is fear of expressing OUR OWN negative judgement about some intrusion and bullying and abuse that someone is harassing us with.
"Focus on what they can control"
Fine. But what happens in real life - is that we are in situations where we are punished for not being in control by narcissists in charge. This is called Coercive Control and narcissistic abuse. The same kind of abuse that started social anxiety in ACoA ACE years: where someone in power position mocked, humiliated, nitpicked our errors and expected perfectionism from us.
When you tell to socially anxious person to focus on what they can control - socially anxious traumatized victim of abuse will control everything and see everyone as project to fix. This is due to Operand Conditioning in ACOA ACE years.
IT is the same as to say to hypnotized person to go against the hypnosis. It won't work.
"One can learn to discern between external factors like others opinions and internal reactions"
So in real life this will happen:
You will end up with Amber who poops in your bed and abuse you and contemplate false court trial to extort money from you and to destroy your career. So instead of processing what is really going on- your stoic misinterpretation of stoicism will end up as enabling the abuse to continue. Because you will say - it is not in my control to control borderline person and all I can do is suppress my normal honest reaction of rage and never protect myself - since I cannot control narcissistic person.
"Shift to their own conduct thus reducing anxiety"
You basically have no idea what is anxiety. And you mix up anxiety with trauma and Operand Conditioning.
You simply mold it all up and mash different issues into one magical fantasy idea, hoping it will work. Nope. It won't.
"By intentionally imagining worse case scenario"
So you have no idea what is social anxiety at all.
Social anxious already do that ALL THE TIME.
"individuals become better prepared"
Yes.
That is the reason why social anxiety is not sickness nor abnormality.
Social anxiety helps us to prepare for abuse - that it is its purpose.
We have guilt tripping mechanism and inner critic which is pumping out negative scenarios all the time.
Problem is that we do not value this at all - and we end up being afraid of those scenarios. We think that this ability to visualize bad things is sickness and abnormality which must destroyed and that we must be happy and chirpy all the time. Then we end up with self pathologizing. While in reality - we must value and accept ourselves as we are and see social anxiety as alarm system - that is mixed along with Operand Conditioning (ACoA and ACE) trauma.
"This not only desensitize mind to anxiety"
So you basically never tried it at all.
When you imagine worst case scenario - you cannot get desensitized to it.
That's because life situations change - and soon enough it turns into over-generalization where we expect danger in previously non traumatized events and situations. That is because of Operand Conditioning trauma that is not being resolved.
"It instill control over unpredictable nature of social interactions"
When you try to instill control in anything - it leads to anxiety.
You now brainwash yourself with a belief that if you make yourself strong and stoic - that somehow magically other people will not harass you. That is magical thinking. A fantasy. Other people are evil and they hurt other people because they are abnormal psychopaths - not because you caused them to behave or stop behaving because of your inner dialogue or inner "strength". This is highly dangerous thinking - and it can lead to mental illness. You better leave psychology to experts and not online stoic club that tries to make alchemy with psychology for your entitled needs.
"Stoic virtue of courage"
There you have it. You mix up courage, strength, masculinity with one's emotions and feelings. This is called emotional fusion.
So - you end up with a false belief that if good things happen to you- that you are a good person. You think if you are rude to other people that this makes you strong and respected. You think if you don't show your emotions and talk about your problems - that this does not make you sissy or feminine. You try to control fear and panic - by pretending to be macho and alfa and stoic - while in reality - the very fact that you go into mental gymnastic to stop emotions and suppress them - makes you very much weak and sissy and feminine, paradoxically. Neuroticism - which is more feminine trait. Suppressing emotions is always a bad idea and in toxic society - pushing down emotions is considered manly and competent and strong. This mentally ill idea leads to trauma because suppressed emotions fester and turn into mental illness.
"Rather to act in spite of fear"
And now you create fear to be your god. You end up proving yourself that you are stoic macho alfa male by not being afraid.
And quickest way to not be afraid is to depend on other people to admire you when you are courageous - and you end up hurting and harming "weak" people, someone who will never push you back. Now you end up being narcissistic abuser.
"Embrace discomfort"
This is false claim. You really do not embrace discomfort at all - you run away from it. You run away from being sissy, been seen as feminine, as someone sensitive - because you interpret in your mind that being emotional is sickness and abnormality. So all the time you are afraid of discomfort which your egocentric mentality prevents you from realizing it due to bias.
"Recognize social situations as opportunities for growth rather than stress"
Dissociation. You mix up stoicism with dysfunctional ego defense mechanism such as suppressing and denial, ostrich effect - you simply bury your head in sand and pretend not to see problems as problems - but rather as "strength". This is also called Optimism bias - where you totally deny reality and start to live in a fantasy world, as any other narcissist.
Please for the love of god - stop from internet stoicism - you are creating incredible false personality filled with fantastic and irrational ideas which you believe in. This is really a road to full mental illness.
"Mindfulness corner stone of stoicism leads to managing social anxiety"
Nope. In real life it leads to more anxiety:
'The self-absorption paradox describes the contradictory association whereby higher levels of self-awareness are simultaneously associated with higher levels of psychological distress and with psychological well-being.'
"From anxious thought to reality of present situation"
And what happens when reality of present situation is mobbing? Abuse? Lack of money? Autism? ADHD? Not being white rich entitled privileged heterosexual male but actually part of stigmatized and marginalized minority?
What then, Sherlock?
Please ,
realize that you mix up stoicism with Jordan Peterson alcoholic crap - and you are creating mental illness here, not stoicism.
---
YT "How to Calm a Highly Sensitive Nervous System"
Breathing won't help us if we are in mobbing situation.
If we have no money. If we cannot escape abuse. In fact, explaining our nervous system as something that must calm down - while we are inside abuse and unfavorable power dynamics is like being stabbed or shot at, and then expect us to be calm. Like it was our choice that some evil person attacked us. And as if our brain must be calm when we are under attack.
Explaining our chronic pain as being stuck is self blame and self pathologizing. We are then symptomizing abuse as it is our own fault that we are abused. That is common brainwashing with narcissism and narcissistic abuse, common theme of self blame and guilt tripping. As if we are calm that somehow magically abusive people who trigger us will magically vanish and that they will magically stop abusing us. They won't.
Explaining that our nervous system is triggered by fear and our own thoughts is CBT myth and lie. Toxic people are evil, they abuse us, exposure to long term narcissistic abuse is causing brain injury - and we are put on hypervigilance state to protect ourselves. It is really not our thoughts that are guilty for it. This scapegoating our own brain will backfire as personality disorder and toxic shame: where we end up believing that our brain is abnormal and sick and that we are flawed as human beings for feeling effects of being abused and gone through someone's decision to be evil towards us.
We already do take care of ourselves, our brain is doing the best it can with resources and money we have and toxic ambient it is inside. It is only white heterosexual males born into privilege and entitlement with money that can have CBT work for them, while everyone else endures unfair treatment and disrespect. When fired entitled heterosexual male will find another job much easier and quicker then everyone else. He will endure much less mobbing and abuse at work, and his paycheck will be higher than anybody else. And then such person will patronize others that they simply need to calm down, being totally unaware that his penis is actually the reason it works out for him - while everybody else on this toxic narcissistic planet struggles with bias and prejudice.
---
(15.8.2023)
I hope one message will come out - that we show compassion for ourselves and that we do not self flagellate ourselves for feeling panic, fears, anxiety, trauma - it is not our fault, it is imposed upon us by toxic society. We really do not need to abuse ourselves on top of the already existing unresolved trauma stuck inside our body
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When we grow up in ambient where we were criticized all the time, this creates a wound that will follow us all life long. We develop internalized toxic shame - that tells us that we are wrong the way we are and that we must be perfect in order to feel good about ourselves.
That happens because we were in contact with untreated mentally ill person while growing up: a narcissist.
With each criticism and nitpicking over our mistakes in early age when mistakes and errors were the only way to live - we learned in order to survive, we must please and fix angry people and we have learned that angry people are angry because of us, that our imperfections caused their bad emotions.
So now we try to be super perfect and correct all the time.
Of course, in real life, other people get angry in order to manipulate and control other people - but we do not see that at all. We are hypnotized via Operand Conditioning to interpret other people's mood swings as our personal defect that we must cure by becoming super naturally perfect in anything, without any mistakes or errors.
This conditioning will attract plethora of narcissists who love such wounded personalities to abuse and control.
What we need is self acceptance and self validation and to realize that we need to start putting a price tag on our moral and ethical standards which were forged in abuse. This means - that we start to warn and alarm toxic people and then cut them out of our lives when they behave toxically.
Social anxiety is Complex trauma - we were traumatized and now we are stuck in trauma response which is unprocessed.
In order to process trauma - we need to realize that there is nothing broken inside us, there is nothing to fix.
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He talks to us as if we are children with really low IQ.
There is no empathy, no compassion for feeling dysregulated due to abuse.
His explanations is that we are hallucinating our reality. That is gaslighting and brainwashing.
As if we are a little kid that scratch its knee and big pappa tries to comfort us that it is nothing.
Well, being in toxic abuse situation is not nothing.
Not having money is not nothing to worry about.
These are all real life painful life situations that don't need pep talk but validation.
Communal narcissists are the worst. They appear as friends with amazing advice, but they left you feeling like crap for not validating experiences we go through and then minimize them as it was all a dream scenario.
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"How does one go about addressing this dependency or codependency you mentioned?"
Codependency which Ross Rossenberg claims is Lack of Self love - is actually lack of self love, he is correct.
The very fact that you ask how to address codependency is the problem - it means you do not trust your own brain and your own inner mechanisms to fight toxic manipulative parasites and predators -
but you believe that other people are better and smarted than you.
They are not.
Psychology does not have answer how to fight narcissists. Psychology does not have answer how to handle difficult situations in life. That includes industry self help and internet gurus who give advice to others.
When someone gives you advice about anything, that is:
1) Coercive control - this person is in Rescuer Role inside Karpman Drama Triangle where he boost his ego by "helping" others with words and patronizing.
2) Impossible - since our lives are not the same as the other person. What works for 1000 people will never work for you - due to culture, abuse in childhood, financial situation , there are many factors which make your life different than others. So what works for one person may as well be a poison for you.
Psychology can help us to gain education and insight BEFORE problem occurs. It is like being prepared for black swan event. When actual problem occurs - like codependency - there are too many variables which are impossible to predict or govern. When we govern , and when we try to govern chaos (anxiety) - we are increasing the chaos.
The solution lies in our brain. Our brain has fantastic abilities to find solutions -
however the brain needs ALL possible information. The more of information, the better solution. It is like being fish in a water - you would never realize that you are in water since that is your reality all your life.
When we are codependent - this means our brain calculated all factors in our life, past, present and predicted future, the brain took into consideration our character, our moral and ethical standards, it took into account trauma which is unresolved from ACoA and ACE and which has Operand Conditioning inside us (hypnosis and programming to fix and appease other people as we learned in childhood).
So the first step would be to really accept and validate our brain and trust it - that it is doing the best it can with resources it has.
Then the next step is natural - the brain will realize it has to get more information and more experience and learn more about Humanistic psychology and love and self acceptance and validation.
Then the brain will slowly heal the trauma and Operand Conditioning - by giving you options which you previously never considered due to self abuse, trauma and toxic people around us.
The very first steps will be cutting toxic people off from our lives.
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"How do we treat all these?"
The very question is problem itself.
There is nothing to treat.
If we are not serial killers - there is nothing abnormal that needs fixing.
IF we have no hidden agenda to harm other people - we are not broken to be fixed.
RSD and being neurodivergent is how our brain works.
This means - in toxic ambient, with abuse, with ACoA and ACE - our brain will be in survival mode and hypervigilance, producing the aforementioned symptoms like "inability to participate in loud, crowded, or visually overwhelming settings with ease" and "Assuming people don't like you".
We need to accept our brain - that it is doing the best it can with resources it is fed with. Then when our brain is in toxic ambient - it will produce defense mechanisms in order to keep our well being and to regulate our emotions.
If we decide to observe our brain as sickness because it is neurotic and warns us about toxic people - we will self abuse ourselves and this will create neurotic persona - which is neurotic about being neurotic.
Similar to Star Trek original series with annoying alarm system - without it the crew would not know that there are dangerous aliens attacking us until it is too late. The annoying alarms are not the problem - the aliens are the true problem.
Similar to Disney's Inside Out from 2015 - everybody hated the neurotic girl emotion - because she would kill fun. Everybody would like to feel happy all the time, without worries - however in real life there are toxic people, predators and manipulators who harm other people because they are evil and mentally ill. We really cannot expect that evil people will vanish when we lobotomize our natural painful reactions to hurt and pain which such evil people cause us when they attack us.
First step is to realize - that we trust our brain and be proud of it and trust its capacity to keep us safe and tell us where to go in life.
When we don't trust our own brain - we will be trapped in self blame and we will develop codependency and trauma responses - where we will depend on other people to tell us what to do in life.
With abuse AcoA ACE experiences we were raised to distrust our emotions and to put all our energy into being perfect and without mistakes, without errors, and to please and fix angry people around us.
That is called Operand Conditioning - and this is what our alarm system tries to tell us - that we have been told lies which we internalized as reality and commands which we must repeat: to blame ourselves, to shut up, to self censor, to feel ashamed for being errored and mistaken, for making mistakes.
When we start to trust our brain and all our emotions - we will integrate Jung Shadow, all parts of ourselves which we are embarrassed and annoyed by - and we will become authentic and honest to ourselves. We will start to block toxic people instead of fawning to them as we learned in AcoA.
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When people are opposed to who we are - we have two choices:
1) Develop social anxiety, fawn to toxic people, allow them to guide us
or
2) That we start to protest and express our opinion. (of course with common sense included. If the other person can fire us and leave us without money income, it is best to shut up and risk developing trauma issues for a while , until we find another better job).
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In most cases CBT is meant only for wealthy Americans to extort money from them by giving useless information from medical cult who are trained to be equivalent to car salesmen in toxic psychiatry.
Ableist CBT does not work with real people with real life problems who cannot buy their problems with accumulated money they bath in.
All of us others, "Second class" citizens (those who are not heterosexual white male & rich) are victims of monopoly and dictatorship of CBT and DSM ableist medical mafia who's only purpose is making capitalist profit, not actual well being nor mental health.
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YT "How to Teach Self-Regulation & Executive Function Skills for Independent Living (w/ Kristin Seymour)"
5:50 "I like to think of ADHD as my superpower"
This is extremely toxic and ableist statement to make. It minimizes the real life struggles and pain and suffering - and it brainwash us with Jordan Peterson quazi-psychology of narcissism and "self-improvement" BS. (The prefix quasi means “resembling.”)
6:32 "when we have deficit of hormones, people are hyper compulsive, obsessive, when you correct this and bring to normal level through caffeine, complex vitamin B.."
So.. toxic people play no role in brain injury caused by long term exposure to narcissistic abuse?
It is all our fault? Our brain is abnormal and we must fix ourselves to be conformist and happy all the time? So that American corrupt crony capitalist Republican corporations can make happy slaves from us - that we happily serve the matrix of cocaine abusers and mafia in power?
9:43 "Have a good sleep with noise machine"
Is this marketing show? I really cannot believe this. Psychiatry turning to American crony capitalism of making money out of anything that moves. Including trauma. But it does not surprise me much: That is ableist CBT at its essence. Making money profit from traumatized victims of abuse.
When we are in toxic job, when we are abused, when there is bullying supported by crony mentally ill Trump capitalist system - there will be no machine that can fix that.
13:10 "Color code, smelly pens"
Marketing.
This is turning into sell show. Jesus Christ.
Well, what if we are not wealthy Americans and we don't have money to spend on trash that does not work anyway and have no connection with psychology? We are doomed to be stuck with stress all life? We are punished for not being into rich family with silver spoon in our mouth?
15:00 "Actual Ad"
So.. this channel is actually making money on trauma and mental health - visually which we can see - it is not even hidden anymore with hidden marketing as it was up until 15th minute.
17:00 "A lot of teenagers have a lot of shame and journal how would you talk to your future self to manage your emotions"
What?
Toxic shame is programmed into us by ACoA and ACE. Exposure to Operand Conditioning has nothing to do with us, we did not cause shame - it is implanted by toxic narcissistic sociopath people manipulative car salesmen Machiavellians, like you.
20:00 "Desk, lighting"
You are keep selling products - you are demanding us to spend money. This is not psychology. This is tv Commercial Hour, QVC.
CBT will work only with wealth - where we regulate our emotions with money. CBT should be banned it is morally and ethically corrupt toxic psychiatry.
23:45 "Everybody has ability to control and compartmentalize"
Errr... Compartmentalizing is toxic defense mechanism of dissociation and denial and suppression. It leads to suppression of emotions - which leads to mental illness. It is not positive thing when we suppress our reactions to abnormal and toxic people who manipulate and control us. We then get taken advantage of and hurt by their evil actions when we self censor ourselves.
26:08 "Tools for RSD:
Stop & NOT, grounding, follow the dot, flash pass, clear simple instructions, avoid distractions, compartmentalize"
Stopping thoughts leads to more of intrusive thoughts. This is called Ironic Process theory, The Pink Elephant Paradox.
All of these are dissociation lobotomy techniques. These are mediaeval techniques by CBT - where we are explained to be problem and that we are abnormal - while other people are super healthy and supposedly have good intentions towards us. In real life - we will end up with these CBT BS to fawn to others and we will develop severe toxic shame where we do not trust our brain and capacities to handle and manage life.
29:17 "Self monitor"
Ableist CBT keeps ignoring that RSD triggers stem from toxic people who are behaving evil.
Instead - CBT instructs us that we are the problem for reacting to toxic people. And that we must be calm and obeying.
This what you instruct us with is Coercive control. Narcissists will love to weaponize this CBT information to control us. When they abuse us, they will simply tell us that we are abnormal and that we are imagining the abuse and that we must calm down and shut up and be quiet and obedient.
How about if we start to talk and honestly tell what is bothering us? That we learn how to protest in healthy and proper and functional manner? What about that? CBT doesn't like us to become empowered? CBT likes us to be Stepford wives who are chirpy and happy to spread their legs whenever abuser wants some jolly and for ableist CBT we are objects for predators to make them happy?
33:00 "Discussion in person, don't text, speak clearly respectful, rephrase and thank them"
That is fawning. That is not discussion. IF someone is toxic, this person does not deserve our thanks for them abusing us and them being evil.
We can actually speak out objectively about their evil ways. When we are fed with CBT lies about being zombie - we are not instructed to protest and make mistakes along the way and being okay with not being perfect in protest and making fool out of ourselves when we repel parasites and predators who appear as glib charm to the public.
CBT does not mention what happens when we are in unfavorable Power dynamics - because CBT is protecting narcissists, who are creating CBT in the first place.
37:44 "Shower at night"
Coercive control.
When psychology gives actual step by step - this is red flag and it is extremely toxic. The whole point of psychology is to give us general information and then our brain will calculate what is the best for us to do with resources we have.
The actual detailed plans are commercialism and unrealistic - these will never work in real life - since real life is not narcissistic fantasy which CBT is promoting. Real life does not collude to CBT magical imaginary fantasy of narcissistic life that refuses real life to creep in.
40:33 "Sponsoring"
More of marketing show. CBT is making profit on medical issues, the same as they do with pills. America is great for free speech, but crony capitalism as disgusting and deeply toxic as Putin or North Korea.
42:30 "Kids not willing to try these strategies'"
Because CBT does not work. CBT is narcissism, it is ableism. It is Coercive control. It is turning people into zombies who are easily controlled by toxic people in authority, pathocracy, where each individuality is destroyed and replaced by groupthink clone of corrupt Republican clero-fascist Taliban system.
I do not understand why anyone with neurodivergent is supporting CBT? CBT is the same as Jews are going to Nazi HQ in pre-1945 Berlin to get information about human rights in Nazi Germany.
I do not understand how CBT does not understand the act of stigma and label sticking - if you label children with word disorder - do you really think that this child will not live to self-fulfillment prophecy of toxic shaming which ableist CBT is abusing everyone who seeks honest psychology help?
Instead of ableist corrupt CBT there is actual Humanistic psychology - which actually helps with mental issues and it is based on self acceptance and validation and encouraging anyone to trust their own brain, instead of abusing and shaming it.
CBT & DSM ought to be banned, it is doing incredible psychological damage to neurodivergents and all victims of abuse.
CBT is symptomizing anything that is natural reaction to toxic ambient and place shame and guilt through guilt tripping (labeling our natural reactions to unfair system as a mere "disorder" that must be fixed - while narcissist roam free and abuse others)
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"overlap"
Social anxiety = Rejection sensitivity dysphoria (ADHD) = ACoA after effects = Effects of emotional/psychological/verbal abuse = Complex Trauma = PureOCD
"we got to stop giving power to all the wrong things,"
Self blame is the problem.
We are instructed by toxic society to blame ourselves for not being perfect, for having errors, for not living up to unrealistic expectations by ourselves and others.
When we do something wrong - it is:
1) because we do not have correct information
2) because we are coerced into doing it by manipulative and toxic people such as narcissist.
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Narcissists will always punish us for standing up for ourselves.
Overtly or covertly. Because they are evil and sick.
However - learning to protest is the only way to handle and receive social anxiety alarm message: that we place ourselves inside psychological security by repelling toxic people away from us.
When we drink or eat poison - throwing up is the quickest way to remove the poison.
When we are abused- protest is the only way to remove the poison:
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I would add sensitivity to rejection to be connected with abuse in childhood: like being exposed to untreated mentally ill parent who is narcissistic and criticize us all the time and expect nothing else but perfection from us all the time, during early age when our persona, brain was forming and suppose to experience psychological security and instead received anxiety, panic and hysteria about smallest mistakes - which are totally normal for child that is learning how world works.
This trauma information is crucial for anyone struggling with panic and anxiety and worry.
Without this information - people will tend to self blame themselves and place stigma and toxic shame onto oneself as an act of scapegoating the problem - as learned in narcissistic abuse ambient.
We cannot be born with knowledge how to avoid errors. Plus, we are humans - which means vulnerable and prone to errors by design: we are not gods nor supernatural entities without flaws. Instead of narcissistic image of grandeur which we were flooded with in ACoA ACE childhood,
we learn and get experience through making mistakes. When narcissists attack our mistakes all the time, over long period of time, especially in childhood when we are suppose to finish goalposts of natural development - instead of acceptance, love and validation - we will end up with Operand Conditioning environment - which ends up as Complex trauma, RSD, avoidance, social anxiety in adulthood. We are primed to detect narcissistic abuse much quicker and easier - and our alarm goes off, we end up in hypervigilance as soon as we detect the toxicity which we experienced as children. Only to repeat it and pass perfectionistic hysteria on onto the next generation, like a curse.
Unfortunately - ACoA and ACE are almost never mentioned in issues such as social anxiety. Instead - anxiety panic fears are quickly labeled as disgusting and something that must be destroyed with "will power" and "masculinity" and "skills" and "assertiveness". If we are in room with serial killer or someone highly psychopathic & dangerous - it would be pretty wrong to be assertive with this evil person out of his ability to control himself or to listen to others. Confrontation with narcissists is like talking to a wall, being assertive with them is waste of energy and giving them free data about us for them to abuse later on.
I simply refuse the idea that RSD is something that we are born with - as if something that we can control or that we are destined to live with. I rather would go into the idea that is said in this video - to channel our fears and difficult emotions and to farm them. All emotions have a purpose.
Sure, being angry is "wrong" emotion and we all know that we need to regulate ourselves and never hurt and harm other people - however if we are attacked and it is clear that being passive will be detrimental for us - then being super angry is extremely helpful tool to fight off the predators.
Being happy and chirpy is excellent for our immune system and regulation, however if someone close to us dies or if we experience incredible injustice or unfair treatment, it would be highly toxic to be happy and chirpy - because by being happy all the time we would suppress trauma and sorrow by denying the legit grief.
25:04 "Guilt as invitation what is not in alignment with who we are"
Yep - detecting toxic people who cause through guilt-tripping to manipulate and control us - that must go away. We need to cut ties with parasites and predators around us.
27:15 "It was actually from the structure, within the corporate entity. When you extract from there then you can just be in that world but not of it. And now you can make decisions based on your own personal sovereignty and the infinite field of possibilities rather on this limited field of what the industrial complex says that you should be doing in any given moment at any given day."
Yep.
CBT explained social anxiety as hallucination - and then I ended up being afraid whenever I would notice corruption at work or unfair treatment at home - and I would blame myself for feeling panic and fears and anxiety - that I must fix and conform to corrupt system - where CBT explains that my natural reactions to abnormal people were abnormal. Then I ended up with Fawning and shutting up and enabling the abusers to mobbing and abuse - since I was convinced that I am sick and abnormal for feeling scared when people put me down and accuse me of things I didn't do just to manipulate and control me and keep me silent. CBT never explained that I could try trusting my common sense and experience and my own level or moral and ethical standards and actually start to put price tag on my desire to work with integrity.
I see RSD and social anxiety as our high levels of moral and ethical standards which toxic society labels as neuroticism and abnormality and hallucinations and explains it away as cognitive distortions. And in order to work through anxiety and panic is to learn how to protest, like Sinead O'Connor did in her life. Which means state our opinion, facts and objective truth - which we already cycled inside our head for years and years - so it has scientific quality. It is not flying symptom which CBT quickly judge us with.
It is the only way to feel calm and at peace about who we are instead of carrying Sisyphus burden of labels and stigma that toxic society likes to place on anything that finds uncomfortable to swallow.
34:53 "Speak the language"
I call this phenomena Translation - it is like Social mask that Jung describes - it is like Star Trek Universal Translator - which enables us to communicate with different aliens. It is kinda like chameleon. And this means to organize Personality clashes into communication and problem solving and negotiation - we need to learn how other person talks and adjust our words to them, not impose control and manipulation on others. However this also means to make clear what our basic standards are for negotiations.
For example,
If someone uses Ad Hominems as arguments to keep problem ongoing - it would not be clever to engage in drama and endless hysteria of blame and cut it out immediately. Online, I usually say "I am not topic here" and add nothing when someone starts to comment how I speak or where I am from or symptomizing me.
43:34 "It's coming from pure place"
On target.
Anyone struggling with shame and RSD - were traumatized into toxic shame belief that they are no good. And CBT adds up to this hysteria of self flagellation by symptomizing anxiety reactions to abnormal people.
At the bottom - if we are not serial killers - there is nothing broken inside us. If we do not have hidden agenda to harm other people - there is nothing to fix in our brain. Our brain is working perfectly and normal considering toxic people and toxic ambient around us. CBT tells us if we feel anxiety - that we are as abnormal and sick as serial killers and evil people without empathy.
44:25 "Flow of the energy. It's coming up for a reason. It wants you to let it move through.
- To transmute it, to alchemize it, to use it as an invitation rather than being in problem-reaction-solution triad, why don't we just look at: If I'm feeling anxious, what is it an invitation to do? If I feel bored, it is to contribute, to get creative. Angle that we look at, rather than pathologizing everything.
Who I am and super clear about what my mission is, and then it doesn't matter what you think about me or what I have to say - I'm truth teller and I'm going to tell the truth. And truth creates glitches in the matrix."
Spot on.
🎯
Truth telling - our anxiety, worries, overthinking - these are all mechanism to seek truth. Then if we self censor ourselves - we don't release the energy inside us - and it stays stuck as panic and trauma.
And whatsmore - when we start to talk it out , talk the truth - as Sinead said - it will be our grave.
Narcissists hate truth - since they live in delusions. Truth to them is painful and they bite when they feel hurt, when their toxic shame is exposed. Truth speaking will cause uproar - and we will be attacked if we shut up to injustices, we will be attacked if we speak up.
I believe that when we are put into place/ambient of censorship - that is due to unfavorable Power dynamics - where our security and finances Maslow needs are in jeopardy when we speak the truth about the injustice. It is really not our fault if we fawn and avoid toxic people - system is toxic, not our brain as CBT explains it. If we live in toxic poor country in Eastern Europe - speaking up against ongoing daily mobbing - will get us fired - and we won't find another job since the country is based on cocaine abuse mafia and crime - and there is no investment nor successful economy to provide for us to have money to pay the rent. So basically in such toxic ambient, if we are truth teller - we will be without money, it is like digging your own grave as Sinead said.
I love the message in this video -
to be true to ourselves and tune to higher frequency. In real life this means - if we are attracted to same sex - it would be advisable to shift our focus onto same-sex partnership rather than hiding own sexuality for the fear of persecution and denying ourselves facets of stress relief. If we are artistic - it would be advisable to explore it rather than dismissing it and criticizing ourselves to be dumb for any abilities, as said in video - to mask our abilities.
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YT "This Is Why You’re NEEDY! ⚠️"
"here is a part of me, if I accomplish I get it back"
It is extremely crucial part of information: that we did not decided to do this disowning parts of our ashamed self on our own.
WE were inside toxic ambient, surrounded by toxic people who instilled this process of dissociation and conditioning.
That is called Operand Conditioning - and it is always done by mentally ill people around us, who are narcissists and who live in deep seated toxic shame which propels them to torn apart other people around them - through Discard phase sprinkled with Love Bombing (which is used in cults also).
We should never blame ourselves for repeating the trauma which narcissists done us through the abuse.
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Yet in his other videos he teaches us to hate our people pleasing and fawning and agreeableness and being open.
So he is contradicting himself.
We cannot accept all parts of ourselves if we still have nazi war camps for parts of ourselves which we find disgusting.
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" Your confidence skyrockets once you learn how to properly defend yourself "
Sure, this works fine if you have extremely low moral and ethical standards.
However, when you have extremely high and moral standards - and when you do not want to hurt mentally ill people who are evil and attack other because they are abnormal and not have karma for killing them because of some wrong move from martial arts or become invalid and fed through tube for the rest of their lives - then becoming monster and abuser is not much of an option.
"the entire world is an unsafe environment."
I dunno, what about crazy idea about voting for politicians who are not fascists and who will castrate the source of evil: narcissism?
How about the wild idea of finding out the root cause of unsafe environment and changing the toxic system from within?
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(16.8.2023)
"what it’s caused from trauma"
I do not understand the form of question.
Are you asking that our social anxiety is caused by trauma?
Or are you asking what if certain behavior is caused by trauma?
Or are you asking what is causing trauma?
In all cases - yes - it is caused by trauma.
It is caused by exposure to ACoA and ACE (google these acronyms), it is long term exposure to narcissistic abuse.
We were not born with fear of criticism or expressing OUR OWN criticism. This was conditioned into use. This is not fear at all - this is trauma - and trauma is different from fear even though it appears the same.
Trauma means that the danger was real.
Fear means that we are hallucinating the danger.
CBT overgeneralizes social anxiety as fear and hallucination and then sets us up to wrong strategies for social anxiety such as Exposure and ridiculous explanations about Cognitive distortions - which create more damage to anyone who was abused.
That is because someone abused will now be gaslighted once again by official medical industry and self help gurus online into a false belief that abuse was a mere hallucination and that toxic people do not exist - and that somehow we invent fears to manipulate and control other people. That is victim shaming and victim blaming, common practice inside narcissistic abuse.
That is how predators, evil people, psychopaths manipulate others: through guilt tripping.
Any wife beater will always deny the assault on their spouse and if caught in abuse - they will rationalize away their abuse. That is what CBT is doing to us and victim shaming self help books and resources like Juliens where he explain us that our people pleasing is sickness and abnormality to hide away and label as disgusting.
People pleasing is a survival mechanism- Without it we would be punished by someone in power dynamics, and we would have a nervous breakdown. People pleasing is saving our lives in toxic ambient, it is not abnormality to destroy.
So yes - social anxiety is Complex Trauma.
Our "symptoms" are after-effects of abuse - and they are totally natural, not abnormality or disorder as DSM is pontificating us to believe.
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YT "Stop being a People Pleaser…"
People pleasing is trauma response. IT is called Fawning.
IT is survival mechanism to survive toxic ambient, narcissistic abuse, mobbing, bullying. Without it, abused person would be punished.
When we are honest and upfront with our boss - we will get fired from the job. It is great if we live in NY or LA, we will find another job quickly - but pretty much in any other place on this planet - we won't be able to pay the rent when we do not find another job.
People pleasing is also a personality trait. IT is called Agreeableness. We can check our Personality trait : google Big 5 personality test.
With being agreeable - we form connection with people. Jung called this "Mask" - and it enables us to form any kind of contact with other people.
There is also personality trait called Openness - which also has people pleasing inside it.
Without Agreeableness and without Openness we would be narcissist. Narcissist is a person without empathy, someone who abuses other people and hurting them for their own hidden agenda.
People pleaser can be manipulative - such as narcissists and psychopaths who have hidden agenda to take advantage of other people. This is called Love bombing - and it is used in Cults all the time.
On the other hand, everyone else uses people pleasing as a way to find connections and to help other people. People pleasers who are not psychopaths or narcissists - actually help other people.
Those who were traumatized (ACoA , ACE) - will people please into codependency. This means they will be passive and feel the urge to fix other people , especially those who are angry and violent - due to exposure to such abuse in childhood, they are programmed to fix other people.
Being exposed to constant criticism in childhood - is leading to Operand Conditioning - which is hypnosis to serve and please other people in adulthood, which is fawning and people pleasing. That means that people pleaser cannot turn off people pleasing and it also means that you are hurting and harming victims of abuse by blaming them that they are manipulative - while they fix other people's problem all the time as their primary goal in life.
You are mixing up people pleasing with intrinsic locus of control.
Intrinsic locus of control means leaning on your own worth. People pleasers do not have self worth - due to abuse they have toxic shame.
Toxic shame will not go away with shaming them - shaming will only increase toxic shame.
Think about it more logically -
when we are totally independent and hence have attachment issues - we will be like Diogenes - we will masturbate in the public, we will take a dump in the street, we will urinate on people, scream and yell at them - because we would not care what other people think of us.
We need certain level of people pleasing - in order to be civilized and to form connections and to hold on onto a job.
Think of people pleasing (Jung's Mask that allow us to be social) as Star Trek Universal Translator - people pleasing helps us to adjust our persona to other people and it enables us to talk their language. We can talk with various aliens and people with different culture and background.
If we scream and yell at others - people will not interpret this as your independence - but instead they will judge you as dangerous, arrogant and narcissists, it will be a red flag that you are mentally ill and psychopathic. And they will avoid you and not talk to you or offer you anything - since you appear dangerous.
You really can have these in the same time: you can be nice and kind and friendly and still be honest without harming other people and with taking into account that other people have hurt and harm inside which they do not talk to other people due to any reason.
Being honest does not mean that it gives you license to be egocentric and cross other people boundaries by being intrusive.
In the end, when we are intrusive and when we do not consider other people's feelings - that is disorder - it means we have attachment issues and that we lack empathy which is sign of some kind of mental disorder.
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YT "Stop caring what others think #ytshort"
Lifetime freedom means being homeless and hooligans urinating in your face while you sleep out in the streets?
WE need Jung's Mask, fawning and people pleasing - without it we will irritate, annoy and destroy any kind of contact with other people.
Really nobody would want to be around a person who smells like garbage, puke, amoniac acid fluids from bodily apertures.
Nobody would like to be around person who is hysterical, dangerous and unable to control himself.
Please reconsider brainwashing from Jordan Peterson and other internet stoics who proclaim toxic masculinity as new cult, and turn away from narcissism. IT is mental illness, not healthy.
---
YT "If You "Throw" Love At Unavailable People, It Could Be From Wounds of Neglect"
""There's a super powerful effect that happens when you really like are honest with yourself about what you want. When you're honest with yourself it can start to direct your thoughts and direct your eyes and direct your heart towards something better for yourself than you've ever had before."
"She stays because she thought she had to stick it out"
Yep,
I see this as hypnosis - convictions - beliefs.
It is like when we are insecure about who we are and when we do not trust fully our brain that is capable to help us - we tend to attract narcissistic toxic people who take advantage over us, they farm our self esteem and energy and warmth from us - by injecting us with high powerful words - once they realize we are kind nice - and lonely. They offer themselves as saviors of some sort but never get into actual contact. OR there is relationship - but this relationship is based on power dynamics through guilt tripping and blame and nagging and criticism and complaining ALL the time. So there is no honesty, authenticity, no problem solving, no negotiation - only one-up-manship where we are constantly wrong and errored.
One man with conviction will overwhelm a hundred who have only opinions.
🟦 Winston Churchill
There is a difference between a belief and a conviction. A belief can become something you merely hold; a conviction is that which holds you.
🟦 Ravi Zacharias
---
YT "Why You Can't Shame and Guilt Yourself into Positive Changes #healing #narcissisticabuse
"
People who feel entitled to shame others do this mostly due to their false belief that they are actually somehow helping people by nitpicking their mistakes and errors. Narcissists usually see themselves grand and smartest, while other people must acknowledge this grandiosity - and the best way to fulfill this narcissistic need is to criticize others and find faults with them.
Since we are all humans - which means we are vulnerable and flawed and imperfect by design - we are unable to become God or super entity - there is endless supply of errors to nitpick in us - and this is what narcissists target.
From their point of view, they believe that they are God and that they have magical ability to spot errors in others - and that as a just and superior God it is their duty to control and manipulate others - since they truly believe that they have this grand supernatural ability to notice errors, flaws and mistakes in others.
In real life- when someone constantly nitpick our daily errors which are really not cause for alarm or neither these require to be nitpicked - this is called emotional abuse.
Kind nice friendly empathic people have high moral and ethical standards which cause them to spend most of their energy in avoiding and finding mistakes in oneself - so narcissists are the deadliest match for us. They will farm and parasite on our natural urge to do good in life - and turn it into perfectionism and abuse and neglect and self flaggelation.
We need to be aware of what is going on, and to start to put a price tag on our natural urge to do good and to avoid mistakes - by cutting toxic people off.
What we do not know - is that due to ACoA - we will tend to distrust our brain and never really appreciate inner mechanism inside us of high moral and ethical standards - and then we stay stuck in belief that we only have opinions which are flawed and that we must depend on some strong persona who is not afraid of being cruel - and this will set us up for narc relationships at work, home, romance, family - we will believe all the time that we are incompetent while person who nitpicks our errors is competent and holy. They aren't. They are simply manipulators and controllers and their strength is only a fake facade, fake mask, fake image used to control us.
I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.
🎞 The Shootist (1976)
---
YT "Belief Versus Conviction"
Let's put this into perspective,
When CBT and internet self help stoic gurus explain social anxiety as lack of social skills and abnormality in the brain - they are convincing us to self hate our brain and then perform draining energy tricks to become perfectionist based on toxic shame - while paying to them large sums of money for their cure products.
Also - this means whenever someone is giving an advice to someone - that advice is an act of manipulation and control, especially when they give us specific orders and command which they present as cure for their illusionary illness which they project into us, for example like DSM disorder diagnostics or Jordan Peterson's or Andrew Tate's explanations of social anxiety being a personal defect and something to destroy by becoming toxic and without empathy.
When we grow up in ACE ACoA ambient of constant shaming and blaming and criticizing - we will develop conviction that we are faulty as individual and that we must fix angry moody people in authority due to our ineptness and abnormality - where we cause all the problems they have in the world and so it is our task to clean the garbage which we produce just be living and existing. Long term exposure to Narcissistic Abuse hence sets us up to believe to the point we are really convinced that we are abnormal while angry and moody people are superhuman beings from whom which we must gain approval and admiration by serving them and never protest their unfair and abusive treatment. Then toxic people all they need to do it trigger Complex Trauma through yelling, screaming, throwing temper tantrums and guilt tripping our natural and normal or other people's mistakes as our own fault - that will trigger programming that we must fawn and never protest it.
---
YT "Rules to Overcome People-Pleasing Habits Caused by Toxic Parents"
Video does not explain the unfavorable Power Dynamics -
for example having job in poor country with low employment offers - and saying No to toxic boss or mobbing ambient means not having income. So Socio-economic nor cultural influence is not mentioned in video at all - which makes all arguments said in video oversimplified and generalized which does not work in real life, only as a video message.
Also, another idea is not mentioned here: Dialectic thinking. Which means that we actually can be people pleaser and say no to people in the same time. We are allowed to care for people and fix them with actually discerning red flags and cut toxic people out of our lives.
Then third idea which is not mentioned in this video is personality. Big 5 personality states that there is Agreeableness and Openness and Neurosis as valid personalities. So being people pleaser might be our persona. If we stop and try to stop our persona - we will develop personality disorder - since we will go against our core self. There is an evidence that agreeableness is in genes - (DR) so basically - it is in our DNA , it is more than personality. Obviously, we will feel wrong when we go against our own body.
Fourthly, the idea which is not mentioned in video is trauma. So There is no mention of Fawning as trauma response. Fawning means that people pleasing in toxic ambient is survival mechanism. Without it we would be punished and we would get suicidal idealizations as a way of escaping mentally ill people who are narcissist and abusers and who are not people pleaser at all.
Fifthly, people pleasing is not sickness nor abnormality - without it we would be narcissists and antagonistic, We would be sarcastic, we would not care how other person feels, we would not think about situational factors why other people are behaving the way the do - and instead we would only focus on our needs and wants. With people pleasing we can form close and personal relationships - someone who cares for us deserve our people pleasing, not our hysteria or depression or worry or criticizing or blaming all the time.
People pleasing prevents us from becoming jerk who blames other people all the time.
People pleasing is not sickness nor abnormality -
it is only Coercive control that is the problem: toxic people who are abusing us and take advantage of our friendliness.
So idea that we blame ourselves and pathologize our niceness and symptomizing us - instead of toxic people who are abusers - then we will enable abusers to keep on abusing.
Sixthly, we can learn about ableism - and neurodiversity - and learn that people can actually have different ways of thinking than groupthink and herd mentality. So if we live in toxic Eastern Europe Balkan countries or USA where toxic masculinity is perceived as being competent and normal - anything else will be labeled as sissy and feminine and sick - while in reality - people pleasing can simply be neurodivergent way how to process social situations.
Genuine self is being Diogenes. It means if we were not people pleaser we would masturbate in the public, we would take dump in streets, we would urinate on other people, we would be drunk all the time and spit on random people around us.
People pleasing is Jung Mask - it is a way to communicate with other people.
Using English is people pleasing. If you were not people pleaser, you would invent your own language and then force your followers to learn your ways of communication - but you do not do that because you depend on views of other people - so you are hypocritical here a lot.
Pathologizing things we do not understand and rigid mindset is always a sign of mental illness - which many people try to cover up by scapegoating anything that moves and that appears weak to defend, like people pleasers.
I would not go into heterosexual male privilege and entitlement, I'll just stop here.
---
He does not understand what you are talking about here. As heterosexual entitled and privileged male born with silver spoon in his mouth and buying off stress in his life with money, he has no idea what is narcissistic abuse nor Coercive control.
People like him will make you feel pathologized and symptomized for surviving narcissistic abuse without ever understanding survival mode and panic when living with psychopaths.
Please , find another source - he is toxic.
---
He is using toxic shame to pathologize your survival mechanisms and you thank him?
--
(17.8.2023)
People pleasing is an alarm system that:
1) we experienced some kind of trauma which was shocking and hence unprocessed
2) that we were hypnotized into not believing into our self worth and instead we developed toxic shame (self distrust, belief that we are inept)
3) that our natural personality traits like agreeableness are being exploited by toxic people whom we never blocked due to unprocessed trauma.
Instead of scapegoating our people pleasing, we need to accept it and honor it and put price tag on it. High moral and ethical standards deserve psychological safety which means - toxic people need to be expelled from our life and we need to accept ourselves as we are - instead of self shaming and self blaming our natural reactions to predators and toxic people of all sorts.
---
This happens because of self limiting beliefs.
For example, due to toxic ambient you may be punished to explore emotions and accept vulnerability.
Such toxic belief will cut the resources of information that you lack.
For example,
you may live around narcissists who blame and criticize and mock anything that moves since deep down they are insecure about their own worth - so narcissists try to build fake worth through bulling others.
When you are in such toxic ambient for long time, you will start to restrict and ban and censor your ideas - because otherwise you would be faced with tyranny of mocking and blaming and put downs.
In psychology - this is called Jung' Shadow: when we start to suppress and deny certain behaviour and hence thoughts and ideas along with it.
We might learn due to exposure to relentless criticism to overcompensate - which means invest our time, focus and money into building fake narcissistic persona which will be pleasing to the critics.
This way, we will block and suppress anything that does not align with narcissistic image of power: such as vulnerability.
Anything that resembles being weak is censored and aborted and felt extreme toxic shame if we feel weak.
Without part of ourselves which are vulnerable - we are never exposed to new information - since any feedback will be felt like harsh criticism. This is called Cognitive Dissonance and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, and Emotional Dysregulation.
So - the reason you don't know how to fix problem with new data is inability to accept all parts of yourself.
As men we are brainwashed since childhood not to wear pink, and not to play with Barbie - if we would - we would be mocked and beaten up by bullies.
This way we learn to suppress our feminine side - which as adults leave us without data about psychology and emotions - and we then try to solve problems through addictions and porn, to regulate our emotions - which only leads to new problems since it is dysfunctional.
The same way we suppress and deny and ridicule anything feminine and sissy - we also repeat this pattern with many other concepts - and then we are stuck with toxic people as our mentors and guides, who create more and more disorder - like Jordan Peterson or Andrew Tate.
---
YT "let this practice be your self-regulation tool to shift emotions the moment you observe them! #heal"
I dunno.
This sounds a lot like dissociation. Cutting off feedback and reality.
For example, if our girlfriend is Amber and she suddenly starts to poop in our bed and physically assault us for no apparent reason - instead of breaking up with her which would be normal reaction to someone abnormal and toxic and dangerous - we would suppress our natural reaction to toxic person and stay with them,
and then with "self regulation" tools - we would become codependent and fawn to toxic people who have hidden agenda to exploit us and steal our money and destroy our career by false claims.
Self regulation does not mean suppressing our emotions and denying them and pretending we are happy all the time. All emotions are valid. If we feel anxiety, fear, panic - these are all valid emotions to feel and they are alarm that something is wrong.
IF we have submersible built on carbon fibre - and our mentor was ACoA and ACE - so we never explored building our submarine with titanium - we will experience cracking sounds under deep pressure.
Then it would be totally wrong to ignore these alarms and warning signs, that we put pink glasses and suppress our dysregulation through dissociation. This suppression of emotions will end up in implosion.
Also, another extremely dangerous after-effect of CBT idea of self regulation - is when we deny our trust in our own brain and when we label our brain as over-sensitive, disorder and something that is false and wrong and hallucinating - we will develop severe toxic shame, which is deep seated distrust of our self worth. This will make us invalid and immobile - since we won't have our brain to guide is in our life. We will forever be trapped to depend on other people to give as advice about what is true and real and where we ought to go in life.
Narcissists always target our awareness and fears - and they gaslight us and brainwash us into belief that we are over-sensitive and that we simply need to calm down - while they exploit us when we become zombie and lobotomized, when psychiatry is weaponized against us.
It is ethically and morally wrong to symptomize our emotions, our natural reactions to toxic people and toxic ambient.
---
YT "Self Regulation"
"Empowerment, resilience"
That is narcissism.
You simply build up fake image of superiority - which is prone to crack under any feedback which exposes the cracks in the system.
Human beings are not gods. They are vulnerable by design. To believe we are god, we will develop superiority complex which is mental illness. When we are basing all life decisions on deep toxic shame about vulnerability and false belief that we must be superhumans - we will spend focus, time, money and resources on building up walls against invisible enemies. This will make us defensive and antagonistic. When we build a wall - we isolate ourselves from others and we become unavailable to have empathy and put ourselves in other people's shoes - which will destroy our romance, friendship and job contacts.
Paradox is when we accept ourselves as we are - we will actually become empowered and resilient. Without OCD routines and self abusing ourselves and being hypervigilant all the time in survival mode, which you described for 10 minutes in your video.
When we place battles and shame from being weak as our primary focus - we will create delusions and paranoia mindset where we are not allowed to feel certain emotions such as fear, anxiety, depression, panic. When we cut off emotions - we will develop mental illness. We need all our emotions to come up with best and proper decisions on life. That includes bad emotions too.
Paradox is when we validate and accept as we are - we will become resilient and we won't be hooked onto external expectations.
When we live in state of wars and battles and antagonism - this will only lead to all sorts of illness because we will be exhausted of being in war mode all the time. Our immunity system will suffer the most.
Our natural state is Ventral Vagal - which means being in psychological safety where we are secure in who we are and how we react to life and difficulties in life. Not in state of military preparedness all the time, like North Korea or Russia.
---
YT "understanding impatience and self regulation #shorts #podcast #america"
He talks about hypervigilance.
This is common result of being raised in narcissistic ambient and it is common trait of trauma not being processed but is stuck inside our body and trauma is not being resolves, it is not processed.
---
YT "How to stay calm in every situation | Attia & Huberman"
"We all screw up" "Assuming it is not psychopathic"
There are toxic people who are as damaging as psychopaths.
There are sociopaths, there are narcissists, borderliners. They all do the same damage: they emotionally abuse other people.
Machiavellians are also dangerous - as described in video, crooked car salesman: these have hidden agenda to exploit other people.
"Remind being right all the time, authoritarian instead of authoritative.
if I feel slighted what is the nature of relationship, is it worth of doing something?"
He is talking as if real life situations give us enough time to deconstruct emotions. They aren't. It would be great if we could rationalize and intellectualize our emotions - but that is dysfunctional defense mechanisms as much as uncontrollable anger.
Also, he is not talking about empaths , sensitive HSPs, socially anxious - who already deconstruct anger - and now they are stuck in moral relativism which CBT is promoting. And as we all know (anyone who explored moral relativism) - that it enables tyrants to rule over us. Narcissists end up parasiting on our holy motives to be saint and fair - so toxic people are never pushed and blocked away.
He does not talk about narcissism at all nor about coercive control.
He does not talk about manipulation and control which toxic people are expert - but instead he repeats CBT detrimental instructions that we self blame ourselves and censor ourselves when other people are toxic.
This way CBT sets us up to codependency and fawning.
And the reason why he does not mention this - is because he is in entitled privileged group. He is white, he is heterosexual, he has money, he has rich family who bought him medical titles - so basically any slight discomfort in life he had experienced is actually a surface level of discomfort which is far from real discomfort and aggression which everyone else experience in life who is not heterosexual white rich dude like him.
So he has no idea that anyone else will experience much more tough time to find a proper job, to get paid enough - and he will experience much less mobbing and bullying in life than non-straight white males do.
He is in blue eyes division of kids inside Jane Elliots exercise from 1968 called "Blue eye Brown Eye exercise".
So as entitled and privileged person - he will instruct us to be calm and deconstruct emotions - because he egocentrically believes in delusions that rationalizations and intellectualizations help to regulate - since he is now falsely convinced that this magical fantasy CBT cure has "helped" him to cure discomfort and unfairness in his entitled life.
But in reality, what actually helped him to regulate is his own owning of a being born with white tinky winky between his legs and his rich parents who gave him silver spoon in his mouth since his birth.
We need to realize that medical community is corrupt, they are rich and they are patronizing us with BS that never works in real life, with real people. Their patronizing is only damaging since it instructs us to be slaves to crony capitalism and free drones for rich corrupt pathocracy narcissists like Musk or Trump.
---
"having the positive data from experiences"
Say it like it really is:
it is narcissists, predators, borderliners, psychopaths that are causing social anxiety. through blaming, criticizing, manipulating, controlling, shaming.
CBT brainwash us to self blame and to seek scapegoating in our brain, as if some magical positive data is missing.
Nope - the cause is external: toxic people and their abuse.
---
"is it true that we are shaped in our teenage years?"
Adult children of alcoholics did the best they could do to survive as children. Their behaviors, coping skills and personalities were shaped by chaos and trauma. As adults their inner child is still exiled and terrified lead to compensatory.
🟥Doc Snipes
" can i become more alpha and more attractive later on?"
Alpha is invented imaginary fantasy concept invented by toxic masculinity cult that is making huge money profit by selling idea to young men who are seeking their identity. Jordan Peterson, Andrew Tate & Co. are parasiting over your trauma and negative experiences.
" I got many questions you seem like a knowledgeable person where can I talk to you?"
I am not guide, I simply have a lot of knowledge and experience around social anxiety.
However that does not make me expert, as none is.
You are your only captain - you know what is best for you in life, and you carry responsibilities of choices and decisions you make in life.
You will become alfa and attractive when you accept yourself as you are - without shaming any parts of yourself that feel non-alfa and non-attractive.
This is extremely confusing concept to grasp, I am trying to understand it for years now and it takes a lot of times to realize what this means. It is paradox.
Society gives us false messages about manhood and masculinity and then shames us when we are imperfect and when we react to injustice and pain and oppression, as if it is our fault for not being "strong".
That is a load of BS.
The only thing that we need is ability to protest, like Sinead O'Connor.
---
YT "3 Reasons You Fake HAPPINESS: Unmasking the Impact of Childhood Trauma; Codependency Recovery"
"You develop all sorts of survival skills to help compensate for that fear level that you have because you feel so distrustful of other people. But when this is your norm you don't know you are faking it. You're not even aware you're not being authentic. As Gabor Mate says you have been forced to look for attachment over authenticity. Because being authentic meant pain. If I told I felt certain way, I was mocked. Been called selfish.
So having a want and expressing that want takes a lot of courage. "
Oh yes!
This is what I confused with social anxiety.
And then CBT explained that I am hallucinating that other people are rude when I experience rejection when I have issues in expressing honestly what I want or what I disagree with - only to be met by other person rejecting it.
People who have been through this programming, Operand Conditioning of being mocked and punished for being authentic and interacting with other people in honest way - will develop huge issues with social anxiety - or it will appear as social anxiety or it will be explained in some other way. And the official resources about social anxiety such as CBT and self-help are thwarting social anxiety as a mere shyness issue, something that is supposedly cured by exposure and being assertive.
So how can a person who grew up with emotional neglect and invalidation and verbal abuse (constant criticism) can outgrow conditioning with exposure? It can't. How can someone who was conditioned to feel guilt and shame for other people's anger be assertive? It can't. IT is impossible - because most often people will never admit that they have hidden agenda and their own pride - so most often people will dismiss our needs or accusations and blame us for problems they caused. And with ACoA - we will gladly take on the blame and never self advocate. CBT nor self help does not explain the trauma nor conditioning. In fact, CBT and self help are adding up to more shame and blame: that we lack social skills and that our brain is faulty and generating cognitive distortions as the cause of problem. That explanation does not help at all- it adds up to existent shame and guilt trauma.
"When you have been conditioned mentally and emotionally to associate a negative outcome with daring to ask."
What I learned in past month is in order to break this spell - we need to protest and be in the mentality of persistent non-compliance Gandhi Style - without drama, without hysteria - to speak out and protest and ask. Sinead O'Connor death brough this importance in protest to my awareness. And to know that most people will react with drama and hysteria as their default defense mechanism when faced with truth and objective facts. I did not know this, as Lisa was talking - due to what is norm in ACoA. Protest was labeled as abnormality, guilt and shame, automatic, without court trial - protesting something was labeled as something very negative and very wrong and that was my norm. So I ended up with people pleasing and being silent and self-censorship. And being depended on toxic people to explain and command my life.
"Adult children are so afraid of being seen as burden we just stop asking. "
🎯
"But this is the key: we don't know we're not asking anymore. We don't know we're in automation program, living below the veil of consciousness. That we've been conditioned to be inauthentic out of survival."
Yep!
"We don't realize we're doing it. We step into television screen and we think we are Bravo. TLC, NBC. We don't realize we're not the story that's being played out on the screen. The story is our story, it is what is happening to us, but we're not the story. We are so much more than this storyline."
This resonates with trauma. Toxic shame make us think we are our faults and mistakes and criticism that inner critic or toxic people stick onto our forehead to guilt trip us into silence and obedience.
"At subconsicous level we don't know we're faking our happiness. We have been neurologically programmed through conditioning to fear speaking up"
Yes - and CBT explains this as our personal fault , as if we can switch cognitive distortions and expose to toxic ambient and cure this fear. Then CBT makes more damage, adding it up on top of existing one and we can waste time in wrong techniques and feel blame and shame for wrong CBT explanations about what is social anxiety. Wrong CBT/self-help industry/toxic masculinity cult explanations about social anxiety which add up to more of toxic shame.
"In terms how neurology works, it works through chemistry. Pain versus pleasure. So if I associate pain with speaking up, asking for more as a child, and I watch my mother: hostile, abrasive, screaming all the time, and I know when I reach out she pushes me away, then I'm being conditioned to fear her. So fear has certain chemical outputs and we associate cortisol with fear."
Yes - this is what CBT and self-help industry books done damage to me - they all explained that fears and panic I have are imaginary, that toxic people do not exist and that I am at fault for feeling in danger and that I must fix my brain to become strong and courageous. This ended up - with being stuck with toxic people, being unable to stand up for myself and to tolerate corruption and thieves and criminals of all sorts. Because if they accused me of untrue things, I would feel cortisol fear panic - and I would then feel shame and guilt and remembered CBT instructions that I am creating fear, that toxic people do not exist - and I would become immobile and feel shame for someone being criminal and abusive - as if I am guilty for feeling reaction to someone being toxic. That is what CBT is doing to anyone struggling with social anxiety, which is nothing else but Complex Trauma and Operand Conditioning of being raised in ACoA dysfunctional ambient. CBT never explains conditioning - instead it instructs us to self blame, to symptomize our reactions to unfair people and difficult situations and to self pathologize for having honest and true reactions to evil people as if it is own fault for feeling any negative emotions to negative abusive intrusive predators.
"I learned to fake happiness because as child I associated more pain with speaking up. And more pleasure with faking happiness. I knew I couldn't have true authentic relationship so being authentic I would be called liar, drama queen, that I am making things up – you can't be authentic. "
Mind blowing.
Operand conditioning is beneath the trauma. Toxic people who live in denial and then pass on toxic shame as generational curse onto the next generation to live in secrecy and shame.
I learned that toxically ashamed people express only blame and shame - they don't have any issues regarding guilt tripping others.
---
YT "Is it ADHD, or Adverse Childhood Experiences ACEs?"
"I believe after 50 years of studying this issue that the hypothesis that there's a specific medical disorder called ADHD causing these symptoms is wrong. "
I agree.
Dr Dodson invented the term RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) in order to make distinction between ADHD and Social anxiety-
however RSD is social anxiety.
HE claims that RSD is at the core of ADHD - where the temper tantrums, anger, high dysregulation happens quickly over perceived or real criticism - which is social anxiety.
HE claims that the difference between RSD and Social anxiety is that socially anxious do not worry before or after event - which is not true, I wrote to him that social anxiety has post-rumination worry and pre-event worry. Almost all books about social anxiety describe this very symptom of social anxiety.
CBT explains away social anxiety as hallucination and a mere shyness, something that is stemming from abnormal (disordered) brain with cognitive distortions as the cause of fears and panic. But that is only a surface level information. Social anxiety stems from ACoA and ACE - exposure to relentless criticism over long period of time where a child learn that any criticism is operand condition of panic and being toxically ashamed. So any criticism is quickly turn into explosion of dysregulation.
Hence,
Social anxiety = Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (ADHD) = Emotional Dysregulation = Complex Trauma = after-effect of exposure to narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse. These are all inter-connected.
CBT is explaining social anxiety as a mere fear - which must be "cured" with exposure and correcting the brain. Which leads to re-traumatization, people pleasing fawning and toxic shame. Problem is not in ill will, the problem is in Operand Conditioning which children of ACE and ACoA underwent through: constant and relentless criticism, nitpicking errors and punishing any kind of flaw and making big drama and hysteria about anything unusual, as taught by narcissistic alcoholic parent.
I see RSD and social anxiety as after-effects of exposure to ACE.
We are born only with 2 fears: fear of falling and fear of loud noises. We were not born with fear of errors, mistakes and feedback and narcissistic abuse.
---
YT "How To Manage Intrusive Thoughts"
I would change the whole mentality and perspective which CBT and DSM are brainwashing us with.
Self help industry also explains away the intrusive thoughts as something disgusting and abnormal and sick.
Jung said what we resist - will persist. So labeling intrusive thoughts as intrusive will be self - fulfilling prophecy.
I would rather see intrusive thoughts as after-effect of childhood where parenting was influenced by ACoA and ACE -and we learned to associate hysteria and panic with worry and ability to see problems which must be resolves. In dysfunctional home, where there is untreated mentally ill parent who never learned to self regulate - has brainwashed us into hypervigilance as the way to solve problems in life as adults.
I would agree with the message in video - that we see intrusive thoughts as some kind of alarm.
For example, Rush Stockton has build his submersibles with carbon fibre and he refused and feedback as intrusive thoughts - he fired security chiefs and ban his crew to talk about problems with carbon fibre. Then 4 people imploded along with him.
So blocking intrusive thoughts can lead to criminal mind and murder - because we end up blocking reality and uncomfortable truth.
In social anxiety we will experience intrusive thoughts with toxic people, narcissists and predators who blame us and hurt us with unfair and non-constructive criticism which only works for them as coercive control.
In that case - intrusive thoughts are actually a signal that we are dealing with toxic person and that we do not have self trust in our own brain and our own self worth - and instead we see this toxic manipulative person(s) as god entity which must be obeyed-
and solution is to learn to protest and express ourselves - which we can do only when we trust our brain and our emotions and our intrusive thoughts to be valid. Not something that is sick or abnormal as CBT explains it.
-
18,8.2023
This is exactly the problem. You are diagnosing your normal reactions to toxic ambient and toxic people. You are self pathologizing yourself for living in Coercive control and ableism.
This is the same as if you are a Jew in Nazi Germany 1928-1945 and you believe Nazi propaganda of uber.mensch where you self flagellate yourself and buy in Nazi propaganda of superiority.
If you are not serial killer, if you have no hidden agenda to harm other people and cause then any level of pain, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, there is nothing inside your brain that is sick or abnormal that requires a cure or diagnosis.
---
19.8.2023
(reddit)
"Transcendental Idealism (Kant) and ME"
In this topic I would like to explain why I think Kant described ME phenomena 300 years ago, using his own words of the time, contemporary limitations in expressing his ideas about our reality.
Disclaimer:I am not saying that Kant talked about ME. My point here is to explain why it seems and appears to me that Kant talked about ME. Or in short:
"I'm Not Saying It was Aliens But It was Aliens" Giorgio Tsoukalos
My basic point is that ME is natural phenomena and as such - it had to be noticed before and talked about before. And - it appears that the whole philosophy as concept is based on ME: idea that our thoughts create reality, as if we are in some kind of a book where our awareness is creating this same book.
Anyhow...
The way how we process information data around our world can be explained in many ways.
Rationalism (Leibnitz) - is a belief that with our reason we get objective facts about the world.
Empiricism (David Hume) - is an idea that all our knowledge about the world is gained by experience, and this makes reality subjective and contaminated. Objective truth therefore is impossible. Egocentrism is Piaget final developmental stage in childhood. This is when we are able to realize that other people do not perceive reality as we do, and that other people have their own explanations and experiences and distorted beliefs which appear as reality to them. Overcoming egocentrism is being able to have empathy towards other people instead of placing quick labels on them and projecting our own issues on others when they annoy us for whatever reason.
Transcendental Idealism (Kant):
Kant realized that neither Rationalism nor Empiricism are true explanation of reality.
Kant said that there is a world beyond our own "phenomenal world" (which means reality as it appears to us).
He discovered that there is a world which exists independent of our own experience. He named this as "things in themselves" and we cannot obtain knowledge of "things in themselves".
I see it as a dog - that is born to see only 2 or 3 colors, he is primed to hunt and to guard. That is his primary function in his dog life. Dog is not created to read books.
In the same way, fish in the water is not aware that water exists - that is all that fish know about - unless being caught in the net and brought to surface to be eaten or captured in acquarium. Fish will have no name for air nor space - since fish is created to swim - it has no legs and it has no ability to read. So both fish and dogs - they are not aware that there is some other reality. They cannot know it, their brain is too small to realize it. They can see it. Dogs can see a book - but they won't have ability to read nor turn pages. Fish can see the surface of the Moon on TV while being trapped in fish tank, or on some picture thrown in the sea - but to a fish it will appear as yellow gray color and nothing else. Fish won't have enough process data in brain to realize what is the Moon.
In the same way, people cannot grasp that reality can be something unknown, other than our own explanations and experiments about time and space and physics laws.
That is what Kant has discovered:
that ME - can change small details in our reality - and we won't notice it.
We won't understand what is happening, the same way as dog or fish will not understand letters. Dog and fish might notice it and have signal in their brain that letters exists - but it will be a mere blimp on their radar. They both will never ever be able to learn reading letters.So people in general will explain ME as faulty memory - and have some research to support such claims. It will be very hard for people to accept that our reality is not what we have proven and what we can prove with current physical laws. In this manner, we are egocentric.
Similar to Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions is a satirical novella by the English schoolmaster Edwin Abbott Abbott, first published in 1884 by Seeley & Co., where we see that 2D objects will laugh and mock one line objects. And 3D objects will be superior to 2D objects. 4D objects will see 3D objects as inferior and backwards.
The superior forms will always believe that there are no higher reality than their own.That is Kant achievement - he realized that there is some unknown reality above our own, which we won't ever be able to grasp truly nor 100% fully, since our own reality is trapped in our own explanations and judgements and perceptions and limitations of our brain - which do not allow us to really see anything unknown and non-describable/non-decipherable.
Due to our egocentrism - we will always use our labels and stigma to quickly label anything which is hard to understand. In psychology - this is called Hyper-cognition: and experts are prone to it. Experts will always use their own expertise as tool to subjugate and box anything that moves. This leads to misdiagnosis and wrong treatment. We can check statistics about misdiagnosis - and how common it is.
For example - social anxiety is perceived as abnormality and sickness, inferior form that is accompanied with people pleasing issues which is also scrutinized and quickly labeled as weakness and feminine and sissy, something to destroy and replace quickly with narcissistic image of strength and grandeur. Even the official medical industry such as CBT labels social anxiety as hallucination and cognitive distortion. It is only in 2020s that Kant's in psychiatry have discovered that social anxiety is actually Complex Trauma issue and neurodivergence and as such it has nothing to do with CBT explanation of weakness and unmanliness. (if anyone is interested - more about this you may read on my own reddit forum about social anxiety)
"Kant thought there must be something which exists independently of us that is the cause of our representations"
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"The Present Process book has helped me and so has EMDR."
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
Processing emotions does not mean putting them on shame wall or nazi concentration camps and exterminating them and in others.
That is dissociation, it is part of mental illness.
Any denial, repression, suppression of emotions is dysfunctional defense mechanism.
Without anger or hate we would allow toxic people to control us and be codependent on them.
There is difference between hatred and anger and hysteria and being borderline.
---
(20.8.2023)
"Sounds like a Fawning Response to the abuse."
Yes.
And we did not come up with Fawning because we had nothing else to do in life.
Fawning happens when there is Coercive control. There is narcissists, psychopath, some kind of borderline, controlling person on the other side, someone who uses cleverly disguised web of deceit, brainwashing, coercion into frightening the target to modulate his or her behavior.
Unless we understand that - we will tend to blame ourselves and be trapped into thinking that something is wrong with our brain - that is due to gaslighting.
Society will also join into abuse and explain away fawning as sickness and abnormality, as Julien is saying in his videos.
This way he is not helping us at all.
We got to realize that people who use control to manipulate other people - are extremely sick and they project their mental illness and evil onto others. We really must become aware of this - because otherwise we will be stuck in victim mentality. The very first thing which predators do is to destroy our ability to trust our brain, our calculations, our explanations, our perceptions - so the very first thing which they will yell and scream about will be how we are errored, they will nitpick our errors and present them as catastrophe, they will blame us and cause feeling shame for "bad" things we done.
It is super easy to find faults and errors in anyone. Predators take advantage of human condition - that we cannot be gods nor superhumans, errors are normal and integral part of life.
Also, predators love empaths and highly morally and ethical standards individuals who really try hard in life not to harm anyone with their mistakes - that is the string that they pull on us. They use and take advantage of our own goodness and humanity and play us like circus animal.
All serial killers are obsessed with control, for them this gives them even sexual pleasure.
Narcissists, predators, psychopaths - they are lukewarm version of a serial killer. Instead of blaming and shaming our "people-pleasing" and our errors - we really need to keep this fact in mind and contemplate immediate and permanent break up of any contact with such monsters.
People-pleasing is not abnormality. It works in normal healthy and loving contact with mentally healthy people who do not take advantage of other people goodness.
--
Problem is when we do start to talk - people do not want to hear the truth, and then they shame us into silence and self-censorship.
People would like to us to collaborate with their delusions and keep off from talking the truth and facts and expressing our true self.
---
Both toxic shame and toxic guilt are used by predators to control others. IT is basic component of Coercive control and Operand Conditioning. When we have high moral and ethical standards and in the same time if we are convinced we are inept and worthless - our own empathy and urge to do good will be used as a tool for predators to abuse us and manipulate us and take advantage of us. Even more so, our urge to do good (avoid mistakes, to be perfect and never cause harm and trauma to others as we experienced) - the more easily we are triggered by nitpicking over our mistakes, errors and flaws.
We get trapped in hamster wheel worry how to not make mistakes and how to please the critic(s), that we never actually stop and process deeply what is truly going on: that we are pulled like on a string by pathological narcissist who is exploiting our moral and ethical standards against ourselves.
Toxic people love to control others through guilt and shame,
and we are trained to control abuse, errors, mistakes, flaws by our own guilt and shame in overdrive (by being silent and by self censoring ourselves). Explosive match.
We can only stop it - by develop protest mentality (like we have seen in Sinead O'Connor life - tearing off Pope picture on national TV and destroying own career), developing warrior mentality without killing anyone (Castaneda talked about that).
To say what you feel is to dig your own grave
Album: I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got
Black Boys on Mopeds
Song by Sinéad O'Connor
If your tendency is to make sense out of chaos, start chaos.
🟦 Carlos Castaneda
---
"I'm integrating my experience, allowing my physical body, my somatic body to move through the cycle that needs to go through. So that the emotion finds a place of rest. My initial response is trying to get rid of shame, trying to convince myself everything's ok. That is form of resistance. It's my reflex, it is painful to feel, it hurts, I don't want to be in that space. Acknowledge it and warm and peace started to show up in the body. Let my shame be known"
Yep,
when we process emotions - we allow our brain to calculate all information and then bring the best decisions for us.
IF we escape the pain - we don't give our brain enough data to make better decisions in life.
What I discovered is that most of pain stems from coercive control and predators, and controlling people who have narcissistic issues - where they like to control other people through shame and guilt-tripping and shaming anyone for making mistakes and not being perfect. And I also discovered that I never developed certain mentality of protest - like Sinead O'Connor - protest is the only way to break narcissistic abuse, conditioning and programming, gaslighting and brainwashing.
With ACoA and social anxiety issues we never learned that protest. And CBT gives us wrong information: being assertive.
Being assertive with someone who is pathological liar and who soaks up all information and personal data given to them freely - will only be used against us later on. Also, predators love endless drama, and antagonism, so evil people will never seek resolution - then being assertive is waste of time, waste of energy, it is like talking to a wall that will attack us with our words later on.
---
(21.8.2023)
I get to start thinking something in align with what you said.
It is mind-blowing -
that instead of expecting the world to recognize our neurodivergent thinking, that we actually become captain of our own ship and make some life changes - where instead of overcompensation and trying to fit in, that we follow our interest at heart which we would no longer hide or keep in closet or be afraid of someone's criticism, mocking and put downs for our true likes.
Socially anxious will feel as if they must expose in order to be okay approved and validated by others. Once such person starts to understand that people who expect perfectionism are narcissists and people who expect social norms to be fulfilled are neurotypicals - the whole world starts to change.
IT is like lighting a LED light in a very dark room where we got bumped and bruised a lot, and there we were attacked for not being able to go anywhere around without bumping into someone and making them angry as if we do that on purpose.
Now with the awareness of masking and overcompensation and realization that other people have bias and limited awareness, lack of empathy - allows us to cut toxic people out instead of serving them and being afraid of what they think of us for not being part of herd mentality.
---
Now imagine seeking genuine help for this burnout and survival mode - and CBT explains you that you are abnormal, that you have "cognitive distortions" and that you must invest heavily in correcting and fighting sick abnormal thoughts which are hallucination and that you do not belong to normal people until you become perfectionist and without flaws and without any thinking errors.
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YT "Rise Above Social Anxiety: Embrace Your True Social Self
"
"Social anxiety is an intense fear"
Nope- it is trauma. It is Complex Trauma. If you describe it as CBT tries to brainwash us with, we end up with self blame and feeling like weak victim person who is afraid of its own shadow. That is simply not true. Social anxiety stems from abuse and exposure to narcissistic abuse over long period of time. It is not hallucination.
"Fear of being judged or embarrassed"
This is another myth which CBT is brainwashing us with, mass hypnosis with lies.
Social anxiety is actually "fear" of expressing our own judgement and fear of embarrassing others.
Huge difference.
CBT is gaslighting us into victim mode, victim mentality where we are explained that we are small, weak person and that we must be tough and rough and suddenly all people will be afraid of us once we become "assertive" and "socially confident".
This will never happen when CBT explains it as if we are victim.
We will simply be in situation like unfavorable power dynamics and coercive control - and we will never be neither strong nor confident - as we shouldn't be. If someone is abusive - it is totally normal to feel fears and anxiety and panic. It would be abnormal to force our brain to become Crusader and ignore and deny and suppress emotions such as feeling discomfort around toxic people.
"Public speaking"
is totally different condition - it is not social anxiety. It is Performance anxiety.
Now through CBT lies you are trying to force us to become afraid of everything and label usual normal fears as condition that is catastrophe and must be erradicated when noticed.
"Even participating in casual conversation"
Another CBT lie. Socially anxious person will not feel fear nor panic nor anxiety if there is 1-on-1 conversation. It is social factor that is causing social anxiety- bully, abuser, hence its name social+anxiety. Social being factor that is causing anxiety. IT is not fear of talking. If CBT brainwash us that we are afraid of talking - we will start to self fulfill this hynosis. CBT is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone seeking genuine help for being abused.
"It's important to understand that social anxiety is common condition"
When I wrote this to reddit main forum for social anxiety, my topic got banned and deleted and I received a lot of negative comments, claiming that I was liar.
"it's not a reflection of our worth or abilities"
Which contradicts your very first message in this video - where you explicitely told that our lives are damaged and destroyed by social anxiety and that the only way to be strong and accepted and validated in life is to be bully who is super confident and without any emotions like fear, or worry.
"Social anxiety when attending parties"
That is shyness.
Shy neurotypical people are afraif of parties. This is not social anxiety.
Social anxiety is being trapped in toxic job with bullying and mobbing from everyone and being unable to quit the job due to finances. That is social anxiety. Going to meaningless orgies is neurotypical pet peeve. NOT social anxiety.
"Challenging negative thoughts"
...leads to OCD.
What we resist - persist. (Jung).
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness. This is CBT brainwashing - where it instructs us to believe that our emotions are equal to our worth. If we have negative thoughts- CBT tells us that we are negative, hence we must do evetything not to feel contaminated by negative thoughts. This CBT explanation will lead to personality disorder.
"Reframe negative thoughts"
So if we live with Amber - and she starts to poop in our bed, we need to reframe this thought is there evidence?
Well, what if there is evidence that the person who is causing our anxiety is abnormal and evil?
"Gradual exposure"
With ACoA ACE trauma - exposure will lead to re-traumatization.
WE won't built any confidence with trauma. We will simply mask our emotions. This is where CBT is doing incredible psychological damage-
If we have autistic ADHD traits - it would be reasonable to adapt our desires, wants and urges in life in accordance to our brain. Otherwise we would try to control and manipulate outer reality - which is impossible and leads to burnout and meltdown.
"Build self confidence"
Is done through accepting ourselves, which means accepting social anxiety alarms.
It does not mean to suppress and deny emotions through building fake narcissistic mask of superiority and fake grandiosity.
"Surround yourself with friends"
Socially anxious people do not have friends due to trauma - there are now unresolved attachment issues - which you never ever mention in this video. You are confusing shyness with social anxiety, as CBT does.
"Developing social skills"
This is another CBT myth. Neurotypicals think just because we exhibit fears which are actually trauma - that this means we are mentally challenged and that we lack abilities like "Normal" people - and as if we lived in jungle and we must become civilized.
In reality, socially anxious have deep empathy - and that makes them superior in being socially skilled. 80% of people lack true empathy and being able to put themselves in other people shoes. Socially anxious people have this rare ability to be humane.
CBT explanation that we lack skills imply that we are abnormal and sick - and this lie will destroy our self worth. It will instill false and detrimental belief that we must cure our self which is contaminated and abnormal in order to become "normal". CBT must be banned - it is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone gone through narcissistic abuse.
"CBT"
is ableism. It is highly effective in dissociation and suppressing emotions. It denies trauma and blames and pathologizes abused people. CBT weaponized psychiatry to attack abused person and blame him or her for being abused as if it was hallucination.
CBT totally ignores neurodivergence ,trauma and abuse.
"Seek out friends"
Socially anxious traumatized people do not have friends. They have social anxiety.
Social anxiety is not a mere shyness.
"Exercise"
Will help nothing with bullying and mobbing and oppression and stigma nor toxic shame - which are social anxiety motors.
"Steps you taken"
this is toxic shame which CBT is promoting. We become human-doing who is accepted and validated only if performing some slave chore to crony corporations. WE are then validated only if we people please and fawn and being silent to abuse - while we are worthy only if we do something as someone's slave.
---
Horrible advice.
CBT presents normal reactions to abnormal abusive predatory people as if it is our personal sickness that must be cured.
" "30 Days to Reduce Anxiety" by Harper Daniels"
Self help industry that is parasiting on abused people - their advice helps only them to make profit.
"meditation "
Feeling fears, anxiety and panic is not abnormality. It is totally normal to feel it after being traumatized.
Social anxiety is dysregulation. It means that there is a message, it is alarm system - that something is wrong.
IT is always triggered by something. So there are Triggers. Triggers, flashbacks - these are part of Complex trauma (which is not the same as combat PTSD). Trauma needs to be healed and listened to - not being suppressed through mediation.
---
YT "Combating separation and social anxiety with Frontier Health"
Another example of weaponizing psychiatry as a method to extort money from the wealthy and leave anyone else as collateral damage of gaslighting and brainwashing by ableist CBT.
When our brain is working differently than most people (most people actually have low IQ and low empathy levels), then being "different" from the accepted norm is a sign of trauma - being exposed to untreated mentally ill parent like narcissists and or it is being neurodivergence, which is not mentioned in this brainwashing fake news report.
Here, social anxiety is explained away as a mere hallucination. Bullying is not mentioned at all. No ACoA. No ACE mentioning. IT is easier to scapegoat victims of narcissistic abuse than actually talking about white privilege and entitlement and narcissism in authority that must be cured, not victims of narcissistic abuse.
---
"" "30 Days to Reduce Anxiety" by Harper Daniels "
This self help crap only taught you to suppress your emotions and to dissociate- That is road to mental illness.
Your trauma will not go away on its own. Neither it will vanish if you stick your head into sand like ostrich.
Instead - unresolved trauma will come out as lupus, immune diseases and issues, cancer, skin issues, stomach issues, allergy.
---
CBT is brainwashing us into submission and victim mentality, where our reactions to pathocracy are explained away as phobia and being "over-sensitive" and anxiety or panic that must be cured and suppressed so that we become zombies easily controlled by predators.
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YT "Things that help with social anxiety [GOTCHA!] #anxiety #socialanxiety #mentalhealth"
We have to ask ourselves what is triggering our defense mechanisms.
Instead of self blaming and self pathologizing and self sabotaging ourselves -we need to look toxic people who are causing our anxiety issues and do something about it - like speaking up or cutting contact or minimizing exposure to toxic abusive people.
---
YT "Dealing with Social Anxiety"
Being worried about super witty is not analytical thing that we can switch off as a button press.
It is fawning.
This is trauma response - and it stems from exposure to ACoA dysfunction while growing up where we were programmed and punished into fixing other people and suppressing our ideas and worth.
What you explain as intellectual humility is actually called Processing stimuli in psychology.
Being able to process what is going on, without blocking or suppressing or putting our quick labels on anything that moves.
In real life - we will actually notice that toxic people, narcissists and predators are causing drama, shame, hysteria - in order to block our ability to process what is going on.
They will shame us and guilt trip us - so that all our attention goes into fixing their accusations and slander.
This happens quickly and we are not aware this is happening - instead we will be convinced that we are "socially anxious" "sick" "shy" "abnormal" and that we must become "socially confident" that we must "expose" and be "assertive" as our primary goal in life -
while predators go undetected beneath our radar.
---
He is instructing us to self blame and self pathologize and to become trauma bonded to other people. That other people are more important than our feelings, emotions and reactions that we have to toxic people.
This advice will lead to codependency and toxic shame and Stockholm Syndrome.
Because in real life, toxic people will create drama, pathological lying, accusations, shame and package it into our fault, error and mistakes - which we will try to be intellectual humiliated and try to solve tasks which toxic people threw at us with accusations and shaming.
Then with this advice - we will become preoccupied to please other people and fawn to them with our toxic empathy and negative politeness - where we will be afraid of speaking out the obvious drama and hysteria and narcissism and instead self blame ourselves for being confused and not being able to resolve issues which toxic people invent on the go.
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YT "$10,000 to Overcome Social Anxiety #socialanxiety #anxiety #mentalhealth"
This is called Dissociation.
Emotions can be lobotomized and vanish from our awareness.
This is called Dissociation and it is dysfunctional defense mechanism that leads to narcissism (building a fake persona of grandeur) and mental illness.
The buried trauma panic emotions will simply re-surface as fawning, physical sickness as lupus, cancer, allergy, ulcer issues, skin issues.
Social anxiety is normal reaction to trauma and abuse. It is not sickness to cure or destroy.
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YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety - ADHD #shorts"
She is talking only surface level of social anxiety: forgetting small things.
She forgets that social anxiety is called social+anxiety.
Therefore anxiety stems from the social factor.
Social anxiety is not about us forgetting small things.
Social anxiety is much larger issue - and it is alarm system. Without social anxiety we will not have any alarm that alarms us when we are in the presence of toxic people like predators or narcissists.
Then we are easily taken advantage of-
in romantic relationship untreated mentally ill evil person will poop in our bed and contemplate how to steal our money and destroy our career through false court allegations. Without social anxiety - we will never notice what is happening.
Instead - we will develop codependency and fawning and become addicted to toxic people as if they are our gods.
All emotions are important. Burying and denying and suppressing undesirable emotions leads to personality disorder and mental illness and codependency.
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YT "The secret to the social anxiety formula is.... #socialanxiety #anxiety"
If there is secret formula to destroy social anxiety - we will become zombie who is unable to detect toxic people and predators or narcissists.
We will become codependent on toxic people and observe them as if they are our gods.
Suppressing undesirable emotions is always a bad idea and it leads to personality disorder and mental illness.
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YT "Understanding Social Anxiety: Expert Insights and Coping Strategies"
CBT is ableism and it is detrimental therapy that leads to personality disorder.
Exposure to abuse will not make us stronger.
Exercise, mediation is dissociation - and suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
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YT "Understanding Social Anxiety: Expert Insights and Coping Strategies"
If you label reaction to abuse and toxic people as disorder - you are stigmatizing and blaming victims of abuse.
"intense fear"
IT is not fear. It is trauma. These appear the same, but there is a difference.
Fear is imaginary and hallucination.
Trauma is real and it is after-effect of being exposed to ACoA and ACE and narcissistic abuse during growing up. It is Operand Conditioning.
"Fear of being judged"
This is CBT myth that is doing incredible psychological damage-
It brainwash us into victim mentality where our social anxiety is explained away as being weak and over-sensitive.
In reality - socially anxious are afraid of expressing OUR OWN judgement.
When we become aware of this, we won't be in victim mode anymore, and this new and true reality information data gives our brain ability to process reality as reality - that other people are abusing us, guilt trip us - and that we are silent to them and we self censor ourselves.
CBT does not explain this at all because CBT is method of mass control.
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YT "Are you socially anxious?!"
You are describing shyness, not social anxiety.
You mix it all up and diagnose and label social anxiety.
You are victim of hyper-cognition.
--
What we call social anxiety is actually:
- complex trauma
- ACoA
- Neurodivergence (autism ADHD spectrum)
- high IQ, high moral and ethical standards
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YT "Wisdom for Worry: Daily Anxiety Quotes #5"
CBT is horrible ableist therapy that stems from Nazi Germany which Americans stole during Operation Paperclip from their propaganda machine to make masses into obedient controlling zombies.
When we avoid anything - it is actually a sign of unresolved and unprocessed trauma that needs our attention.
Exposure and mindless running around will not make us stronger, better, healthier - it will make us hysterical and hyper-vigilant and people pleaser.
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YT "Social Phobia #fear #psychology"
Social phobia is archaic term, which was renamed in mid 1990s when CBT "experts" finally discovered that social anxiety is not phobia because it does not go away with exposure, as any phobia does.
That is because social anxiety stems from abuse and trauma.
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YT "Conquering Social Anxiety"
This does not work in real life.
When we are in toxic job with abuse and bullying and mobbing - telling abusers that you have bold face will make them mock you.
IF you cannot quit that job due to finances - any interactions and talking and as he said "putting it out there" simply gives predators and narcissists enough personal data to exploit and use is against you later on.
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YT "10 minutes to feel less anxious #anxiety #anxious"
She explains Dissociation. She is instructing us to develop mental illness.
Any routine as reaction to anxiety leads to OCD.
She is not explaining that anxiety is normal reaction to toxic people and toxic events. IT is not personality flaw to feel bad when bad things happen.
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YT "Hypervigilence & social anxiety explained💔 #anxietyproblems #youtubeshorts #socialanxiety #cptsd"
You are describing shyness, not social anxiety.
You mix up neurotypical pet peeves with neurodivergence.
You are using psychiatry as weapon to shoot anything that moves.
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YT "If you have these symptoms, know that social anxiety is 100% treatable! Your life can look different
"
Weaponizing psychiatry as weapon to shoot neurodivergents.
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YT "Social Anxiety: Why is mastery so important?"
Controlling chaos leads to more chaos.
It leads to hyper-vigilance, pureOCD, more of anxiety.
Horrible what amount of psychiatry garbage is found online.
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YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety"
Giving a new name, convincing ourselves that our past does not matter is called Ostrich Effect - it is dissociation. That leads to mental illness.
Trauma will not go away on its own if we do not look at it. It will fester. Suppressed trauma will come out as lupus, cancer, allergy, immunity issues, skin issues and narcissism, because we will build fake grand flawless persona that is cut off from part of ourselves.
Explanation that we forget our childhood trauma is fantasy escape, that is mental illness.
Explaining social anxiety as talking and parties - is surface level information, it encompass 0,5% of social situations.
Social anxiety is not shyness, it is not issue of being able or not being able to talk nonsense to anyone around us.
Social anxiety is being trapped in toxic job without ability to escape or quit due to finances. Real life situations.
Not religious fantasy that is explained in this video. Any fantasy as reaction to reality is delusion and mental illness.
What especially annoys me is talking about bearded guy trauma bullying experience as something that he has to burn, forget and forgive to himself? WHAT?
Why he should forgive himself for being abused? What are you talking about? Toxic abnormal kids abuse - they are evil. He did nothing wrong for being bullied- he has nothing to forgive himself how he dealt with abuse.
Just horrible what amount of psychiatry being weaponized.
Please divide your religious fantasies away from psychology. You keep mixing up these two elements that do not match up together.
"Friends, join community"
So basically you have no basic idea what social anxiety is. You simply babble for the sake of babbling.
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YT "I GAMIFIED improving my MENTAL HEALTH #mentalhealth #anxiety #podcasts
"
You read only what pleases you, and you ignore anything that doesn't feel comfortable to you.
That is not improving. That is delusion and living in comfort zone.
You even can't read small quotes from psychology and philosophy, it is too much for you, you complained about it.
---
YT "An Introduction to Anxiety Training"
"Treat social anxiety by embarrassing"
So.. you treat social anxiety by becoming narcissist?
Social anxiety is not what your CBT explains. Social anxiety is not fear of being embarrassed . it is fear of embarrassing other people with our facts, truths and just actions. aka Negative politeness.
If you stem from family of wealth it is easy to control and manipulate others, so you seem to me like communal narcissists.
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YT "Do you have a social phobia too?#shorts #growth#passion #mindfulness#socialmedia #phobia
"
Social anxiety occurs in tyrannical regimes, toxic shame culture countries where not being perfect is perceived as personality defect that must be shamed and cured.
Instead of habituation - we need change our shield and how we make our shield. We need titanium, not carbon.
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YT "Brain trying to convince me not to go #relatable #badidearight #socialanxiety #nz"
Problem is if you do not align yourself with your brain, you will create mentally ill narcissist fake image persona.
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YT "7 Key Symptoms of Social Anxiety: What You Need to Know!"
"Society marked with social connection importance" is called Neurotypical. It has actual name that is googleable, not some abstract definition which can mean many things.
Incessive worry and rumination is trauma. Not shyness, a mere fear or anxiety. Big difference.
It means we live in toxic ambient and we have untreated mentally ill people abusing us all the time through criticism and narcissistic perfectionism expectations and toxic shaming.
You are weaponizing psychiatry with symptomizing our normal reactions to abuse and exposure to toxic narcissist predators.
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YT "Approaching strangers to overcome social anxiety #socialanxiety #introvert"
You are symptomizing normal reaction to potential abusers and pathological liars.
And you present it as personality defect. This will lead to toxic shame and codependency and trauma bonding and depending on other people to be approved and validated by others.
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YT "Do This To Reduce Anxiety!"
"Anxiety is driven by your mind living in a future that doesn't exist"
Nope.
Anxiety is after-effect of being exposed to narcissistic abuse and our mind wants us to develop awareness how to spot predators in the future , so that they no longer can hurt us by us being codependent on their coercive control and exploiting our high moral and ethical standards.
I would really try to keep away from self pathologizing.
If we are not serial killers, if we have no hidden agenda to harm others, if we do not gossip - there is really nothing wrong or broken or sick inside us that needs treatment. If we feel anxious - then it is a sign someone toxic is around us and we need to boundary up. Not open boundaries and expose to mentally ill evil predators.
---
"or it’s just a shy person, who is not comfortable with new people and needs some time to relax "
There is a difference.
Shy person will quickly get over any panic fears with exposure.
Socially anxious will stay stuck with emotional dysregulation - because there is complex operand conditioning motoring toxic shame inside. Hence there is a lot of self flagellation and catastrophizing along with triggers and flashbacks - which shy person does not have at all.
Social anxiety is really complex trauma, neurodivergence and operand conditioning, emotional dysregulation. IT is really not anxiety at all, it is trauma being triggered by social situations such as abuse, blame, criticism and learned helplessness and negative politeness as strategy to combat intrusive high conflict people.
Shyness on the other hand is temporary feeling of discomfort which is not focus of thinking neither beforehand, nor after the event. There is no feeling of being worthless or unacceptable or any kind of inferiority complex which goes along with shyness. So shyness is not producing hyper-vigilance nor survival mode. IT is simply annoying and irritating.
Shyness is like an allergy - over-reaction to imaginary threat that there is really not out there.
Social anxiety is like a flu - where toxic people are the virus attacking our nervous system and immunity.
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I forgot to mention the most important thing which is googleable - the techniques which toxic people use (narcissists, predators, Machiavellians) is called Coercive control.
It is integral core ingredient of Narcissistic abuse.
The goal is that we are manipulated and controlled by these evil people who carry deep toxic shame inside which they correct by controlling other people around them through criticism and nagging and complaints 24/7 about smallest insignificant details and presenting these as drama and hysteria and error in others.
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YT "REBROADCAST: The New Elephant in the Room: Personality Disorders"
This bothers me:
" There's no point in arguing with them about that. Set limits on them, "I need to go now". Anti-social may punish you for splitting up with them."
My question is
what happens when we do not have luxury of leaving?
If we have no finances, if we have no other shelter, if we are caring for third party (elderly, child) - what happens when we simply cannot leave and when we are forced to stay with person who is pathological liar and lives in delusional world of superiority and grandiosity and constant criticism of our every single move and labeling it and blaming it as mistake and error?
And techniques such as gray rock, where we keep distance and not respond - works for a limited time. This is not healthy way of communicating with anyone, even with evil people. It is not healthy that we monitor our behavior all the time, we will end up with constant worry and hyper-vigilance, stress and inability to process life and remember all the small things chores and daily usual activities.
With someone antagonistic - we will be in survival mode all the time. That is not healthy. Our physical health will suffer - our immunity will drop, we might develop lupus, cancer, skin liver issues, allergies when we are in constant worry and fear of what we might say or do "wrong" that will cause dysregulation and chaos and drama and narcissistic hysteria in abuser.
You mention in video that we need to have compassion for those critics and controllers.
You never mention Coercive control - which is what they do basically.
You never mention the psychological after-effects of targets of coercive control.
When someone is criticizing your mistakes 24/7 since childhood - that is AcoA, ACE - you never mention this at all. Then victims of such abuse are later on labeled as socially anxious, and that their triggers, trauma are nothing but a hallucination and cognitive distortion, as CBT labels it quickly.
When someone is criticizing your every move and highlight it as mistake, error - that is guilt tripping. The after effect of exposure to such emotional abuse is inability to trust your own common sense. Victim of coercive control will become codependent because of desire to to good and not to hurt or harm anyone with their own mistakes and errors which narcissists nitpick all the time.
So our own mental health is used against ourselves, desire not to harm other people through our mistakes is twisted and spined into self blame and self flagellation. The victim of narcissistic abuse will never be explained what is going on. Instead - there will be toxic shame.
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22.8.2023
YT "The Psychology of Rejection: Understanding and Overcoming It Rejection sensitive dysphoria"
Rejection has no cure. There is nothing to overcome.
Best version of oneself is narcissism, it does not exist.
We are by designed flawed creatures with errors. IF we believe so otherwise, we have a god complex, superiority complex, and that is mental illness.
RSD is developed during exposure to constant criticism and nagging and complaining. So it is trauma.
It is social anxiety, it is emotional dysregulation, it is Complex Trauma, it is after-effect of long term exposure to narcissistic abuse and coercive control which means someone untreated mentally ill was controlling and manipulating us since childhood.
Think of RSD as a wound.
Instead of "overcoming" is requires healing and processing, understanding mostly.
Overcoming implies as if we are able to rise above any negative interaction with other people - and since we are unable to control other people, it is impossible to safe proof ourselves from other people's criticism.
Even more so, if we cannot handle other people's criticism, it is a road to narcissism. IT means we don't have self trust in ourselves and other people can easily hurt us with their opinions.
Another problem with inability to hear feedback - is human inability to be computer. We cannot know all the facts. So feedback is actually a form of receiving improvement - because we learn what is our blind spot and what we need to improve. That happens naturally, without forcing to appear alfa macho god, superior to inferior creatures around us.
Also, we would really need to develop ability to detect good feedback, rational and objective feedback versus someone who is antagonistic and argumentative and complains just for the sake of hurting others.
---
Getting over social anxiety would mean destroying other people who mock and make fun of others.
Since this is impossible without going to war crime tribunal and burning in hell for eternity -
we need to develop our persona and personality, so that other people's mocking don't affect us anymore.
When we accept ourselves, all parts of ourselves - there will no longer be toxic shame about traits which we do not like about ourselves since it makes other people dislike us and criticize us and mock us.
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@akpokemon The idea of psychology is that other people would not irritate us as much if we had personality, persona.
IT means intrinsic locus of control.
When someone is irritating us - it is a sign that we have certain parts of ourselves which we hate, dislike and which we suppress inside ourselves. And then suppressing doesn't make it go away - it simply re-surface in other people when they do it, what we suppress inside ourselves.
This is especially true for the socially anxious.
We have high moral and ethical standards (due to exposure to narcissistic abuse ACoA ACE while growing up) - that we do not allow mistakes and flaws, we correct them and try not to make mistakes. We try to be perfect and then it irritates us when other people are less then perfect.
If we accept ourselves - child parts of ourselves which we buried long time ago, we would be much easier on other people, they would not irritate us as much as they do today.
With that being said, there is a difference with narcissistic abuse.
Some people control others via coercive control.
This is actually not irritation nor annoyance when we are target of narcissistic abuse.
We need to understand what is going on and be able to make distinction between someone being a klutz and being psychopath.
Thirdly,
with our persona and personality - we might actually start to develop interest in life which would not coop us up in office jobs at all.
We might accept office job due to security, money or expectations of our parents and neighbors.
But this means that we do not have personality.
When we have trust in our brain - we would not be slaves to make money. We would not require money to impress people we hate and who don't care if we live or die tomorrow.
If we have security issues - it means trauma is guiding our decisions and then our true persona is forbidden to explore and take us onto journey in directions which we would truly like to explore in this life, whatever these journeys might be.
If we want to please our parents, it means there is ACoA - and if we never process it and learn it, we will be stuck with codependency issues - which is another blockage in our personality persona coming to life.
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"desire to assert his place in the social hierarchy by intentionally bulldozing conversation"
Yes.
Narcissists have toxic shame and they have personality disorder.
They try to feel good and build their self worth and fake persona in order to cover up deep toxic shame feelings inside them.
They do this by putting other people down, by gossiping, by overcompensating inferiority complex through superiority complex, they want admiration and approval and validation from others. If someone does not comply with fantasy idealization of them, they turn to narcissistic rage.
Now being exposed to such treatment will destroy our own self worth and we will develop codependency on such people - since first thing they target is our awareness and our worth. This way we become zombie, silent and self-censoring NPC background character in a game. And control turns them on.
Narcissism is road to mental illness, anyone who is exposed to narcissistic abuse.
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YT ""
Each Monday I scan for Social anxiety videos and try to comment it from trauma RSD aspect - which most people struggling with social anxiety issues have never heard of due to ableist CBT. So there are not much people available to talk about it.
On Tuesdays it is RSD as you tube subject theme to explore, so I am here. You know RSD as concept, which is amazing.
These are my views:
"We build it up in our head to be rejected. "
What I discovered about RSD - it is not in our heads. CBT tries to explain it away as hallucination, as it copy paste the same dogma for social anxiety.
I'll try to explain this in detail with my comments interweaving with what you talked in this video.
I found this fact regarding RSD:
"What triggers RSD?
Everyone's RSD triggers are different, but they may include:
- being rejected or thinking you're being rejected, like not getting a response to a text message or email
- a sense of falling short or failing to meet your own high standards or others' expectations
- being criticized for something you can't control"
I would focus on the last bit here:
being criticized for something you can't control.
That is it.
That is what RSD is.
Dr Dodson who coined and discovered RSD as concept said that he extracted RSD from his ADHD patients - where he noticed that neurodivergents grow up in constantly criticizing ambient.
Here is the quote:
Average child with ADHD hears 20,000 additional critical or corrective messages before their 12th birthday. That can have significant impact on self-image and self-worth. They have feeling they're profoundly defective, incompetent.
YT William Dodson
I agree with him. When we are exposed to constant criticism in early age when our psyche is forming - we will have no opportunity to develop our self worth. Without self worth - we will never truly develop our true authentic persona.
Instead, we will build up fake persona, surviving mode persona, persona that is defensive to criticism and tries to avoid toxic shame.
Back to video. It has been said:
"We need objective truth."
First of all, objective truth does not exist in ambient of Coercive control. You never mention in this video Narcissistic abuse, ACoA ACE. These are crucial in developing RSD. IT is toxic ambient where our opinions, thoughts and feelings and conclusions were mocked by others all the time.
So what is objective truth is neurotypical norm, not truth. IT is herd mentality, conformism, groupthink.
Secondly, from philosophical stance - objective truth does not exist. We can never prove anything.
Münchhausen trilemma
"In epistemology, the Münchhausen trilemma is a thought experiment intended to demonstrate the theoretical impossibility of proving any truth, even in the fields of logic and mathematics, without appealing to accepted assumptions. If it is asked how any given proposition is known to be true, proof may be provided."
This is important to notice - when someone says what is norm, normal, truth - we need to examine such person. Why would some person would feel the urge to pontificate others - usually it is due to toxic shame inside them which they have no awareness of and they fight mental imbalance by being policeman and judicial person who proclaims truths to other people - this make them feel regulated. Such person is Rescuer in Karpman Drama Triangle.
24:25
"CBT is focusing if you have certain thought pattern or think certain do something replace it with something."
I tried CBT for social anxiety for 20 years - and I ended up with Fawning.
CBT does not recognize Trauma, while CPTSD is recognized by WHO's ICD-11. CBT is ableist therapy which does not recognize effects of stigma and label, so CBT quickly puts diagnosis on anything that moves. So CBT is a method to silence anyone who is not neurotypical. Martha Mitchel Effect tells us that CBT can be used as a weapon to silence political enemies and whistleblowers.
CBT is stolen technology from Nazis - through Operation Paperclip - it is stolen tech from Goebels and propaganda machine and mass hypnosis weapon. As with another Nazi stolen Moon technology - CBT also came to life in late 1960s when mass hypnosis and mass control was needed.
What CBT is doing is ethically and morally criminal: to control and manipulate other people through direct orders what to do.
Psychology does not do that. You will never hear therapist what you must wear, what you must do in life, what way you must talk and walk - psychology offers general information - and it is up to us to use this information and data if we like to and when we judge it as helpful. Anything else is manipulation and control.
So - if we are in abusive situation with psychopath - who is manipulating and gaslighting us - it would be huge problem if we follow CBT with message that toxic people do not exist and that we must replace our negative emotions with positive ones. That way CBT is telling us that we cannot trust our own brain, that our brain is abnormal - and we will develop codependency and toxic shame, we will never have persona - so CBT is instructing us to develop personality disorder, where we do not trust our own common sense, judgement and ability of brain to come up with ideas in life about anything.
We need all our emotions. Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness. Denying emotions is dysfunctional defense mechanism.
When we distrust our perceptions - we will develop fawning and depend on other people to explain us anything in life. That is highly dangerous - we become zombie this way, puppet on a string.
CBT was designed originally as short term therapy in medical institutions for criminally insane and anyone attempted suicide - to calm them down in to state to respond to people. Google it. CBT was not designed as long term therapy for neurotics.
CBT is used for mass control - because CBT is actually targeting 0,05% of population which is criminally insane and that would never enter into therapy - so everyone else who feels emotional issues is actually collateral damage of CBT. We are under friendly fire. CBT was never meant for anyone struggling with fears and anxiety and emotions.
This was explored in Clockwork Orange (1971) - where Ludovico method is CBT. It is method to silence and make passive criminally insane - which actually is not working at all. Because as it is shown in the movie (and book) the hooligan will become so much passive that other people will abuse him. We need all our emotions - even fears and panic and anxiety - since this helps us to protect ourselves. Without negative emotions, without Jung shadow - we will be exploited by predators.
Back to video:
"If I have RSD - write it and talk it would be helpful.
It helps dissuade irrational thought."
What happens when it is not irrational thought?
When we are in toxic shame ambient? When we live in shame culture country?
When we are in abusive job with mobbing and we cannot quit due to finances - what then? Writing will not help to fight abuse.
Nitpicking our thoughts will not help when people physically and mentally assault us at home or at job.
"Are you saying I'm bad person and them they go No, I'm not saying that."
People will never admit truth. People will lie. So when someone says they didn't mean that - it does not mean it is truth.
"CBT; if you have thought or feeling, you interject something or replace it with something"
1) if we live with Amber and she poops in our bed - and she contemplate fake court trial to steal our money and to destroy our career - it would not be wise to shift or change our emotions and feelings and thoughts. Because that would lead to abuse, enabling of abuse.
2) If we convince ourselves that our brain is unable to produce reality - we will develop severe toxic shame - and we will destroy our persona and personality - since we won't trust ourselves. We will become severely codependent and passive and silent and self censor ourselves - which will attract plethora of narcissists who love silent people who are obeying any command said to them.
"Start to be aware maybe I am over-reacting about this.
maybe it is not as bad as you thought it was."
RSD = Social anxiety = Emotional Dysregulation = Complex Trauma = after effects of exposure to narcissistic abuse, ACoA , ACE
These are all the same.
This means - if we are kind person, if we really try not to make mistake and errors in life, if we devote our free time in seeking mental health information and watch videos that are 1h30minutes long about it, if we do not have hidden agenda to harm and hurt anyone, if we are not serial killers and we have no anti-social tendencies inside us but instead if we have high moral and ethical standards (due to exposure to ACoA), then maybe, just maybe - we need to start validate ourselves and trust ourselves and actually stop dismissing our thoughts and feelings as irrational and something that people with borderline issues invent every 4 minutes.
If we spend our days in hypervigilance (due to trauma and ACoA) and we worry and we have neurotic traits - then this means we have invested enough time to process emotions and reality - and it would be really good service to us to start trusting ourselves and our conclusions about other people and life - instead of placing quick CBT label that we are "over-reacting".
Neuroticism (worry, comprehension, hard thinking) is explained away by ableist CBT as sickness, abnormality, wart that must be removed and something that is disgusting and something that we must be ashamed of. CBT does not tell us about Dissociation - how dangerous it is to live in delusions and inventing reality through quick labels that have no scientific fact objective background such as it was all over-reaction.
Neuroticism is part of personality, it is part of Big 5 Personality. So it is not sickness.
With feedback, with criticism , with introspection, with analyzing ourselves - we become aware what is going on. If we label this ability as abnormality which must be denied and suppressed - we will lose ability to judge reality - and we will depend on other people to trust anyone that anyone in the world is kind and nice and has good intentions without hidden agenda. Unfortunately we do not live in Just World. Some People are evil. Those with glib charm appear as nice and friendly - but mostly it is a mask for psychopaths to attract new victims.
54:40 ""Not listened to. A lot of times they would end up doing what I said anyway without giving me credit even though they used my ideas"
Yes.
That is RSD. We spend a lot of time and focus on ideas, problems solutions - and narcissistic people not acknowledging it because they are narcissists and they blame us and label us with quick labels - if we follow CBT - we will end up distrusting our capabilities.
If we follow CBT - we will believe that we have hallucinations and abnormalities in the brain - while narcissistic people are never questioned at all.
57:50
"That's just what they say"
This is enabling. You are justifying toxic people and exonerate them in their criminal behavior. This is moral relativism which CBT is promoting. Moral relativism leads to tyrannical authority. Because toxic people will abuse our well meaning intent. Good intentions are road to hell.
RSD is being trapped in toxic ambient with toxic people. It is not hallucination.
And it is being silenced and not being able to express our opinion and facts due to narcissistic abuse. When we are told CBT explanations that we "over-react" - this is gaslighting. This is making us believe that we cannot trust our own judgement. That is flat out narcissistic abuse.
And the most ridiculous thing about CBT is when I confront CBT therapist - they never react as CBT. They react with over-reactions. They either shut up - freeze or they go to wars and start to yell and scream and try to silence me.
Silencing anyone is not healthy and it is not therapeutical - but this is what CBT is doing when confronted with its own invention of moral relativism. Moral relativism can really work both ways. CBT is control tool. IT is not humane and it is used to silence ethical and moral people into submission of authority - that is the only purpose of CBT.
CBT is targeting anyone who was exposed to narcissistic abuse to even more abuse. CBT ought to be banned, it is doing incredible psychological damage.
And honestly I cannot understand why anyone neurodivergent would follow CBT - it is the same as if Jews go to pre1945 Berlin to Nazi HQ to find out information about human rights.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology - which actually works for RSD and Trauma and social anxiety and any other issue with emotions.
Anyone experiencing RSD - ought to start to document what happened that triggered us.
Narcissists present themselves as victims to general public, no one will believe us when we say something it wrong.
We really need to learn narcissistic abuse, to recognize red flags and learn how narcissistic abuse is in real life.
Narcissism is not as DSM explains it at all. DSM is statistical manual - it is not real life - it is based on biased statistical research, it is dogma and someone's interest interpretation, not the real science.
I learned that so-called "cure" (there is no cure) for RSD and Social anxiety is Sinead O'Connor protest mentality. It is warrior term described by Castenada. Warrior here means that we need to expect that telling and speaking the truth will result in drama and hysteria - created by fake personalities as narcissists who live in delusional world void of ethical and moral standards which normal, sane and healthy people have.
To say what you feel is to dig your own grave
Album: I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got
Black Boys on Mopeds
Song by Sinéad O'Connor
If we follow CBT, we will always absolve abusers from their abuse. We will self blame ourselves instead, we will believe we are incompetent abnormal idiots with cognitive distortions and that we are too over-sensitive while in the same time, abusers are as super competent gods whom we must serve and obey in silence,
The Wily Survivor, TWITTER::
"How will abusers ever stop abusing when they are hardly ever held accountable for their behaviors?"
1:12:00 That woman is borderline.
She likes antagonism and endless drama and to dominate and hurt other person and be in state of fight all the time just for it feels domestic to them.
People who have no idea what borderline is - end up being hurt by such people and end up pleasing them with self blame and a bunch of toxic shame which borderliners introject onto us.
Personality disorder by definition is constant defensive rigid stance that blames other people for anything that moves.
1:16:12 "Take blue or red pill"
Is logical fallacy. There are always other options.
I see RSD more than feeling irritation about some controversial issues and reactions to someone opinions about leaving terminally ill partner. I see such irritations as normal and part of life.
RSD is more connected to ACoA, narc aka emotional abuse, Operand Conditioning, which unfortunately you didn't mention in relation to RSD.
RSD is connected with hidden triggers and flashbacks which person are not aware of since this is constant since childhood.
For example, I get triggered by curse words and this causes discomfort and RSD - simply for person being rude, since I was conditioned to connect vulgar words with physical and mental abuse such as mocking and put downs. Once Nick explained in the video that you are bi-polar and autistic - this RSD feelings vanished, I no longer felt threatened at all. This is different from CBT thought nitpicking where we are instructed to weed our thoughts. This CBT technique is called Micromanaging and it is detrimental - it leads to hypervigilance and worry and rumination.
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YT "ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)"
"The more you understand you, the more you can manage"
Due to Confirmation bias we are unable to know what we need to understand. Instead we are stuck with our limited experiences and explanations by toxic ambient around us.
Panic mode is dead giveaway of trauma.
We did not catch panic randomly walking in the street. We did not invent panic in our mind out of boredom. This panic stems from being exposed to narcissistic abuse where we were criticized for something outside of our control and being punished for being imperfect. Operand Conditioning is at the root of this panic.
Being focused scanning on environment is learned programmed hypnosis of being exposed to narcissists whom we learn to please and calm down their anger and mood swings.
Our self esteem does not get low on its own. It is result of being exposed to narcissistic abuse, put downs and gaslighting.
If we are not aware that narcissistic abuse destroys our self worth, we will self blame ourselves and feel abnormal and develop severe deep toxic shame, feeling inept and incompetent - while in reality it is programming of abuse, ACoA and ACE.
While I agree that anyone who is starting to deal with emotions and panic and feelings - will have a lot of jumping to conclusions - with time, once we learn to filter reality instead of being defensive - we will notice that our RSD stays on with real rejection. Where people are outright rude , corrupt and unfair.
This is something that ableist CBT does not explain at all - what happens when we are abused.
CBT will instruct us to build assertion - which only adds fuels to fire since toxic people love endless fruitless arguments and our private information given to them at whim, which they will use later on against us.
What I learned that helps with RSD - once we are aware of trauma and operand conditioning and triggers and flashbacks - that what we need is to develop Sinead O'Connor protest mentality - to speak up and speak our truth and facts instead of self censoring and shutting up. Protest is the only way to break up hypnosis of trauma and abuse.
And once we understand that toxic people will react negatively to truth - we won't self blame ourselves nor fawn to people anymore - because CBT is brainwashing us into belief that we are hallucinating abuse. If we end up with CBT dogma that our brain is abnormal and that we cannot trust our conclusions and observations - we will end up with codependency issues and people pleasing - since we will depend on other people to confirm and explain our reality.
What we will also notice is when we "Communicate" as it is said in the video - that toxic people use coercive control.
They will not like communicating at all. They will dislike our observations, facts and objective truth. This happens because narcissists are very sensitive to criticism and feedback since they live in delusion and build up fake persona which is sensitive to any criticism.
Then we will notice that RSD has been introjected into us by narcissists in childhood and adulthood, when we never break up any contact with toxic people since they feel familiar and domestic to us.
Compassion means that we trust our brain and our conclusions and that we stand by our brain and its explanations.
If we are not serial killers, if we have no ill will to harm other people, if we have no hidden agenda to cause pain to other people - there is nothing abnormally sick inside our brain. We can trust our brain instead of nitpicking it as CBT explains to us to micromanage it.
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(23.8.2023)
YT "How To Stop Caring What People Think Of You"
"We look for validation"
This has a concrete name which is googleable and explore-able. It is called External referencing locus of control.
"Collective cultures often validate this behavior: celebrating compliance while centering deviations from the norm"
This also has a name - it is called Neurotypical, Conformism, Groupthink, Herd-mentality.
When we don't know the concepts, it feels abstracts and apart from our reality.
"Self-awareness"
leads to worry and rumination and life in survival mode, that is the cost:
"The self-absorption paradox describes the contradictory association whereby higher levels of self-awareness are simultaneously associated with higher levels of psychological distress and with psychological well-being."
"Meditation"
Will not help much when we are bullied for having different opinion.
Also, any ritual to anxiety/discomfort leads to OCD. Mental illness.
Because we will try to soothe and blame our reactions to abnormal and sick insecure people.
We will start to believe it is our fault that other people are angry and that it is our task to be perfectionist or frozen when someone is angry at us for being different.
This is called Introjection - we take on their negative emotions and farm them, process them - emotions which do not belong to us and it is not our responsibility to fix other people's mental illness.
"CBT"
CBT is therapy of ableism. It leads to personality disorder - because it instructs us to belive that our brain is abnormal for having negative thoughts. This is called Thought Action Fusion - and it leads to mental illness because we will start to believe if we think negatively and worry - that this means our self worth is tainted and sick, abnormal, as if we caught some virus and we need to clean ourselves. That will end in OCD and anxiety.
CBT ought to be banned. CBT is form of lobotomy and it was invented as tool in mental institutions to quickly calm down the criminally insane and suicidal survivors in order to make them regulate enough to go to bathroom on their own. CBT was not designed for mass population. Google it. CBT was designed as quick shock therapy for 3 or 4 hours, it was not intended for life long therapy for normal people who are not anti-social or self harming.
Cognitive Restructuring leads to toxic shame and it destroys self worth - because we will start to believe that our brain is abnormal and sick for experiencing stress and conflict. Then we will Micromanage our brain - google term Micromanaging and you will see it leads to hypervigilance and rumination and worry and living in survival mode.
"Altering the distortions" - yep, that is how it starts. CBT will make us believe that if we have mistakes and errors that we are abnormal and sick. That we must be perfectionist. Perfectionism is mental illness. CBT is teaching us to develop severe mental illness.
"Distortions caused by an excessive focus on others opinions"
If we have trauma which is unprocessed - being focused on danger not to repeat itself is totally natural and normal reaction to abnormal people. This is not sickness.
If we survived Russian bombing and invasion, if we survived attack of serial killer like in movie Silence of the lambs - there is a high chance we will develop Complex Trauma - which CBT does not recognize due to pharma mafia making money on victims of abuse.
"Developing assertiveness"
This will not work with psychopaths and narcissists - -they live in delusional world, similar to schizofrenia and any fact and personal information will only be used against us later on.
"Set boundaries"
Setting boundaries with anti-social personality disorder sociopaths who cause conflicts will lead to attack.
"Identify self improvement"
leads to narcissism and building fake persona of toxic shame.
"Exercise"
Will not help with mobbing.
"Support network"
Having small chat with strangers Will not help with mobbing.
"Handling with grace"
You obviously never been in contact with narcissistic psychopaths.
"Steady belief in oneself"
This is the core problem.
How exactely you will believe in yourself if you forced us to believe that our brain is abnormal for being in stress and that our brain is sick and must be improved all the time?
That is contradiction.
You cannot believe in yourself if you make yourself believe you are victim and sick and weak on purpose.
"Understand why we care what other people think"
Because we are normal healthy friendly and empathic people who are not serial killers.
That is why. No big mystery.
None of information in this video has any ground in reality and real life - and all tips leads to anxiety and mental illness and caring what other people think - because you instruct us in this video to believe our brain is abnormal and sick for being in difficult situations with mentally ill psychopaths.
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YT "What is the point of shame?"
Shame has a purpose.
Without it, we would be like Diogenes;
we would poop in public, we would urinate on other people, we would masturbate in public. We would not wash ourselves, we would stink like puke or feces or unwashed genitals.
We would be like Trump and really hurt other people with our insensitiveness, we would be like Putin and become serial mass murderers without having awareness that we are criminally insane.
That is all healthy shame.
Toxic shame is when we never hurt anyone yet we feel like Trump or Putin, the lowest scum on the Earth just for existing.
---
"U need to become stronger , physically and mentally."
This is ableism, neurotypical view and narcissism.
IF you believe that you are "weak" as you are - you will overcompensate your basic toxic shame feeling of inferiority.
You will end up building fake image of grandeur in order to intimidate others and enter into broken sick codependent relationships with discard phases mixed with honeymoon periods.
---
(24.8.2023)
YT "5 Rules Of CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS From Stoicism For A Happier Life || Antique Advice"
You are describing how to develop mental illness here.
When you make a general term in form of goal: "how to control xyz" - without realizing it, you are creating incredible psychological damage to your brain. Our brain does not think in the same way as we are taught in school. It is more complex.
When you imply that you have no control, brain will believe it fully. Brain will interpret this as I am totally out of control.
This becomes self-fulfilling prophecy.
That is why affirmations as always positive, they are not stated in negative context. Like I do not want to be fat. Because this creates a defense mentality - which leads to more stress, which leads to over-eating to overcompensate the perceived aggression and pain.
So when you make a general term that we must control our emotions - our brain (conscious and unconscious) will interpret this information, if we really believe it, as we are totally abnormal and we must nitpick our brain and micromanage it all the time in order to prevent catastrophe. This will end up as OCD.
When we suppress our emotions - we will develop mental illness. All emotions are valid. They're messengers - they are suppose to tell us that what is happening or the way we interpret events is in some kind of problem which needs our focus. The problem being in the issue, not in emotions who are messenger. So what you are actually telling in this video is instruction how to kill a messenger.
This is common myth. CBT fails at this, too. Toxic masculinity is based on this myth - that if we somehow lobotomize our reactions to pain, that somehow magically, the pain will not happen anymore. Do you know how dangerous it is - to switch off our sensory stimuli?
Without knowing that we burned our hand - we will lose our hand.
IF we don't know we have a virus - it will eat us alive from inside.
Ignoring the pain will destroy us. If your girlfriend is Amber and she starts to poop in your bed and contemplate how to steal your money through false court trial and attack you physically - and if you ignore this, you will end up being labelled as rapist for the rest of your life in false court trial, without money and without career.
"Stoic philosophy encourage us to develop acute self awareness"
This leads to neuroticism, anxiety , more pain.
"The self-absorption paradox describes the contradictory association whereby higher levels of self-awareness are simultaneously associated with higher levels of psychological distress and with psychological well-being."
"We can interject between stimuli and reaction"
Here you are forcing CBT madness.
You totally dismiss Sorites Paradox and you follow Aristotelian belief that the world is black and white. This is called Polarized thinking.
You are weaponizing psychology to create fake narcissistic image - someone who is able to detect what is "bad" and destroy it,
Well, sometimes our triggers are wrong.
Sometimes we misunderstand something.
Sometimes we get false information, false narrative - which makes us bring wrong conclusions and wrong explanations.
Many times our triggers are connected with poverty and socio-economic status.
You are exploiting trauma information to create dissociation, which is dysfunctional ego defense mechanism.
You explain away triggers as danger and something abnormal.
Once again, triggers are messengers - they tell us and warn us about some situation and people that requires our focus, not instant reaction of destroying anything that moves.
"To choose our responses deliberately"
This is narcissism.
You are teaching narcissism here. Mental illness. To create fake personality, someone who is rigid and someone who behaves in artificial way. That is CBT, ableism.
You totally ignore the fact that many people have brains which use different kinds of thinking and that they process information in different ways than neurotypicals. Instead you instruct us that we become zombie , someone who will always respond to any situation in the same way: as a lobotomized zombified person without emotions, but only logic.
That is called attachment issue, it is related to anxious avoidant attachment style. You think if you turn off emotions, that somehow logic will be able to solve any difficulties and problems and issues in life. It won't. Logic needs to have emotion too. It is yin-yang.
Men are instructed with each generation to ignore emotions and to lean on logic only.
This creates incredible psychological damage - because you are pruning off parts of yourself which would actually help you in resolving life issues.
"In this space there is rational thought and intentional action"
Rational thought is not rational if it is rigid and if it is ego-centric and if it is stubborn and closed and isolated.
Rational thought would be rational if we take all things into consideration.
"We gain ability to our core values, we become masters in our reactions"
Problem starts when our core values are Putin or Trump. Then when you commit criminal act - you will rationalize it as a "core value". You will be unable to see that you are committing criminal act.
Since in real life - people will not fawn to your so called core values - you will soon as any toxic masculine, turn to coercive control and parasiting on people who are traumatized and abused. You are teaching narcissism here, how to become mentally ill abuser and controller.
---
This will not work in real life.
Real life does not collude.
IT does not fawn to our "stoicism" or mental constructs we create. Real life require from us to be vulnerable and not stoic.
When we are in toxic job - being stoic will keep us trapped in abusive environment that will destroy our mental health.
If we are in toxic relationship - being stoic will keep us codependent. Instead of seeing other person as evil and abnormal, we will focus on our emotions, controlling them and blaming ourselves for being weak because we experience someone's evil actions.
We need all our emotions to bring the best decisions in our life.
Identifying triggers - need the following reaction - we will react anyway. If we have rigid pre-designed set of techniques - this will not work in real life, since real life is complex and we are unable to prepare for all problems in life. Instead we need to make mistakes and errors to learn from them.
If we expose our citadel to evil people , we are contaminating our inner sanctuary.
Pause and breathe will not help in 99 percent of real life situations where evil people exploit us and manipulate us into coercive control and abuse.
Ability to separate stimulus and response requires massive amount of time and experience - which we will gain in perhaps 60 or 70 years from now on. Therefore, this information is useless.
If we don't have basic Maslow needs met - we will never live in joys and challenges in life. To instruct us that we must be joyful when we do nothing about toxic people and toxic ambient and never removing ourselves from it, we will create dissociation - which is mental illness.
---
You need emotions to study other planets.
Stoic logic stubbornness will never allow you to interact with someone who is different from you. You will simply label it as sissy, feminine, gay and stop communication because you are repressing your own sexuality - which you never explored due to stoic narcissism in blocking all emotions and destroying any stimulus with fake beliefs of own grandeur.
---
If you believe you can express anger only in rage - that is polarized thinking.
If you block all anger in order to handle it - abusive people will exploit you while you people please them.
Please invest more time in real psychology, not internet stoic cult which is brainwashing you into mental illness.
---
What you tell us that you want admiration and acceptance from masses. That is narcissism.
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You will destroy your own mind by placing your emotions in Nazi war concentration camps.
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"Emotions has nothing to do with intellect knowledge"
This means if we are Stockton Rush and we ignore intellect knowledge of experts that carbon fibre will not withstand the deep sea pressure - we will become murders of 4 innocent people when we place them in carbon fibre submirsable.
So Stockton Rush followed Stoic philosophy - of ignoring emotions of shock and discomfort in not being "Ruler" , he rejected all negative and bad emotions which triggered his narcissistic injury - and he decided to focus on his core values and delusional belief about his intellect knowledge which was catastrophic in reality - but in his ego-centric mind he believed he was correct all the time. Then he killed innocent people with this stoicism, where he actively destroyed and stimuli which caused him to feel uncomfortable emotions - whenever his security experts warned him about carbon fibre not being safe.
That is why stoicism is dangerous. Internet cult stoicism, which is toxic masculinity. Being stubborn fool, narcissist. Fake image of grandeur who ignores uncomfortable emotions and uncomfortable data stimuli for the sake of belief in own citadel - which is corrupt and lacking in education and knowledge, wisdom or experience.
---
" Be a man and either fix it or shut up and push through it."
That is mental illness.
Narcissism. Building a fake image of superiority or victim mentality, cover narcissism.
Having emotional issues has nothing to do with your penis.
Having no money, no shelter, no Maslow need has absolutely nothing to do with your penis.
When you fuse your genitalia with life difficulties, you develop mental illness. Toxic masculinity.
This ends up paradoxically as female hysteria. You become screaming queen when you suppress reactions to abuse and difficulties in life.
---
YT "Core Shame is a MONSTER!"
Closest to the real Possession.
I see Core shame at all of these:
Social anxiety - Complex Trauma - Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - Autistic Meltdowns - After-effects of ACoA, ACE, dysfunctional families - Long term exposure to narcissistic abuse - After-effects of emotional/verbal/psychological abuse - Emotional Dysregulation.
---
25.8.2023
1 year later on and I discovered that this intolerance of rude people is called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, and it stems from exposure to ACoA ACE dysfunctional home - where we were exposed to anger and criticism ALL the time.
CBT (any industry self help book) will explain our symptoms as hallucination and abnormality in brain - while in reality it is Complex Trauma, normal reaction to abnormal people.
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YT "Validation and Approval: Stop Looking Outside Yourself"
Radical Acceptance is accepting shame and disgust and toxic shame when bad and totally unfair things like that happen to us. Usually due to exposure to ACoA ACE in childhood, we will tend to believe we are contaminated when narcissists hurt us when we protest against injustice. We will believe we caused them to be evil and we will believe that our behavior can stop them being evil - and that it is our fault when they are still evil even after we are fawning to them and using Negative politeness as learned in AcoA. Negative politeness is when we shut up and self censor and hence enable abusers to keep on with abuse and criminal acts and them being intrusive.
Radical acceptance is to accept all our survival techniques no matter how much they are dysfunctional, shameful and how they backfired on us.
---
YT "What Ayahuasca Taught Me About Codependency | Lion Spirit"
Interesting you speak of vomiting and purging, releasing energy.
That is basically protest. Warrior mentality explained by Castenada.
Protest mentality that Sinead O'Connor had. Protest is the only way to stop Coercive control. Passing the hot potato.
When we are codependent - we have been programmed to believe we are somehow stupid, and without skills to handle life. It comes from toxic shame belief we are inept. It is the result of ACoA ACE dysfunction ambient while growing up - being exposed to relentless criticism about anything we have done been presented as error, flaw and mistake of some sort.
This will make us passive and filled with Negative politeness where we will enable the abusers to spread manipulation and control - and our inner deep programmed conditioned belief we are inept - will make us shut up and self censor ourselves - we won't speak up the truth even when it is in our interest to defend ourselves from unfair accusations and pathological liars.
Then what we need is protest mentality inside our head - and to know that whenever we speak up - we will be punished by narcissists and all insecure evil abusers and predators of all sorts who cannot handle the truth - so they seek quiet, nice people pleasers who fawn to abusers. When we start to protest - we will therefore be met with rage.
When we believe we are inept - we will always believe that someone's rage is justified and it is our responsibility to fix their anger which is supposedly justified.
To destroy this dysfunctional dynamics- we need to develop protest mentality. And that is this purging.
We never learned how to purge. We learned instead to be passive and to receive any abusive and unfair treatment in life, because we were programmed to believe we are inept to stand on our two feet.
---
YT "Codependence is Misunderstood?"
Yes!
A lot of people believe that they can "heal" their people pleasing by becoming isolated and arrogant and complain all the time. I tried to explain this to La Pera over Twitter, but she couldn't understand this concept.
We need certain amount of people pleasing and relying on other person - because without it we will destroy close relationship. IT is counter-intuitive to anyone who was abused and who is over and done with fawning -
but fawning, people pleasing, being pushover is not sickness.
We become pushover when the other person is abuser and evil and who exploits friendliness and opennes in healthy sane person.
La Pera couldn't understand this - that evil people are evil and that we do not cause evil people to be evil by our behavior.
She believes that we must always place boundaries and never allow anyone to exploit us by having firm attitude.
That is wrong explanation.
Evil people will exploit us and take advantage of us no matter what we do. Evil people are manipulators and skilled at cheating and being pathological liars and unreliable narrators - they quickly find Achilles foot in other person - no matter of boundaries.
Evil people have skills to use Trojan Horses to penetrate any firm walls and boundaries.
Being friendly, open, cooperative is not sickness and it does not cause evil people to exploit us.
True problem are evil people and it is our task to recognize them - in order to cut them out of our lives.
WE don't need to cut parts of our personality and persona at all, as La Pera, and people like her, believes.
---
YT "The most important thing you can do to heal codependency #shorts"
Paradox is that statements like this "learn to be happy without relying on others to make you happy" - are translated by brain - we must rely on others.
Our brain works differently than our logic and neurotypical processing which we have learned in school and what we are being fed in mass media.
When we tell our brain that there is some kind of wall and something to avoid -
brain will not avoid it.
Brain will create obsession around it and make it focus of our attention.
This happens due to Darwin's discovery - that human beings have high adaptability to danger. Our brain will make us think and focus on danger in order to create best decisions in life.
This is exactly the reason why Affirmations are never negative. They never focus on what we must avoid and what is wrong.
This is why in hypnosis - there are no negative statements.
In psychology this is called Ironic process theory / The Pink Elephant Paradox
"trying to suppress a thought is likely to make it more intrusive
"
So when we try to make ourselves less codependent - if we tell ourselves that we can only be happy without something - this is negative statement.
It forces our brain to believe there is some danger, that we must avoid something and that we are abnormal and sick if we do what is forbidden.
Our brain will not forget about it. Brain will start to obsess about it, a lot.
This is exactly the same reason why CBT is not working for social anxiety.
CBT explains us that our brains are abnormal and sick and dysfunctional because we worry and we experience anxiety, fear and panic. Then CBT instruct us to seek and pluck out negative thoughts.
Which only ends up with more anxiety and panic plus our self worth is destroyed since we now believe we are abnormal and sick for feeling anxiety.
In reality - our fears, panic and anxiety have their purpose.
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
Our brain needs all information - no matter how uncomfortable it is - to make the best decision.
So when we tell our brain that it will be happy only if there is some kind of condition - this will make brain very unhappy - since it will now have hypervigilance and stress about avoiding that ugly, disgusting, abnormal label that we put stigma on something - like that we are not allowed to rely on other people.
We are all social creatures, and we need contact to have immunity - google it.
When we have codependency issues - this is because the other person is evil. Because we were raised in ACoA ACE ambient.
So - this is not our brain's fault.
IT is not fault in our thinking nor behaving nor beliefs nor opinions. The only problem are predators and narcissists and evil people who CHOOSE to be evil.
It really does not depend on what we rely.
Evil people choose to use coercive control and to have evil hidden agenda to harm other people.
It is codependent to believe we can and must fix ourselves in order to become "strong" and "better".
We are already strong and better. The only issues we experience as trauma and panic comes from toxic people and their own free choice to be evil and to use coercive control on us.
We really need to realize that we no longer place burden on ourselves with fake belief that our thoughts, opinions, actions cause problems and evil. Evil people do this.
If we are not serial killers, if we do not have hidden agenda to harm and cause pain or extort others - there is really nothing abnormal nor sick inside us that requires us to put ultimatums and conditions to be happy, in order to feel happy.
---
YT "Recovering Codependent's 3-Minute Share: Changing My Mind Changes My Life"
This is common mistake, that unfortunately is spread through self help community.
We believe that we caused evil in other people - and that therefore we must fix our brain in order to prevent evil people and unfair situations.
That belief is wrong.
Evil people are evil because they are abnormal and psychopaths. They choose coercive control. It has nothing to do with our thinking.
Codependency then appears to us as perfect scapegoat to place all the blame on.
This is what La Pera at Twitter is spreading (I believe she also spreads the same ideology in her book).
When we cut off certain parts of ourselves, when we label certain aspects of our persona and behavior as abnormal and sick and that these somehow cause and propel evil people to be evil - we are actually suppressing emotions. We prune parts of ourselves which will be needed in some specific situations.
This suppressing our bad parts is toxic shame. It is also Jung's shadow.
It is very unhealthy to cut parts of ourselves.
When we do this pruning - it comes from ACoA ACE ambient where we grew up with - constant criticism and blame and narcissistic scapegoating - finding the fault in someone and crushing it.
We learn to believe that we are only ok if we are perfect and without mistakes - and when people are no longer angry at us.
So we basically never learn these two basic truths about life which are causing toxic shame:
1) that if we are not serial killers, if we do not have hidden agenda inside us to cause harm and pain to other people - that there is nothing abnormal nor sick inside us that requires lobotomy or destruction or suppression of any kind
2) that evil people are evil because they are abnormal and have deep hidden desire to harm other people in order to feel good about themselves. This means - nothing we say or do cannot stop them being evil.
So - evil people will be evil whether we are codependent or not. They will still find ways to exploit and harm and hurt their target.
We are talking here about evil people.
They will punish us for speaking the truth and not being codependent on them.
We are codependent because of operand conditioning in childhood (ACoA) - where we were being repeatedly punished for expressing ourselves and talking and having needs and being honest and authentic. This is how we learned to become codependent: to be silent and to shut up and to self censor ourselves, and in the same time to serve the abusive people, to fix their anger issues and to make them happy and calm by performing circus tricks - their demands and commands that we must fulfill.
This is product of evil people - not our brain.
There is nothing abnormal nor sick inside our brain.
So - we won't become "Less codependent" if we become arrogant and engage in Karen mode, fight trauma response nor when we isolate ourselves and when we build Trump walls to fight the "enemy". In fact - we will become codependent - since we will depend on other people to make us happy by not bothering us. We will believe our happiness and calmness depends on other people EVEN when we cut them out of our lives and when we create "boundaries".
We stay codependent not because there is some kind of abnormality and sickness inside our head.
We stay in narcissistic abuse because
1) we don't have money to leave
2) we believe we are inept and we have toxic shame trauma (ACoA) operand conditioning which goes automatically and never was brought to our awareness that this mechanisms exists inside us
3) we have bureaucracy issues, third party - some kind of external factor keeping us stuck, totally outside of our control - so any nitpicking on our brain and blaming ourselves will not resolve it.
We need other people to be happy, to build close personal contact, to have romance, to have successful business and to be friend - this is called interdependence.
The idea that we pluck out our Big 5 personas which we scapegoat: agreeableness, openness and neuroticism - will only result in personality disorder - since we are shaming parts of ourselves which are integral part of our brain and body. Agreeableness is even written in our genes (DR) - google it.
This is extremely hard concept to grasp -
that our thinking did not got us into situation of being "victim". Evil people done that. Not our thinking.
Operand conditioning has nothing to do with our thinking - it is hypnosis, it is automatic, it is programmed, it is outside of our thinking.
Operand conditioning can be broken only when we have all our parts with us, when we don't blame nor scapegoat parts of ourselves and then we can go through Extinction process - where operand conditioning will fade.
This means - we will recognize toxic people, predators and narcissists early on and hence protect ourselves.
So no need to nitpick our brain, no need for lobotomy, no need for self blame nor self pathology - which toxic people brainwashed us to believe.
---
!Our own shame, guilt sets us up for a narcissist. !
Yes and no.
Evil people are evil.
They will be evil and exploit others - not matter if you have shame or not. They will simply find another way to exploit their target.
Yes, they may give up when they have a choice to hurt someone who is ashamed.
But not always.
We need to understand that evil people use coercive control - because they are abnormal and sick ,they freely choose to be evil.
So it has nothing to do with our brain, how we think, what are our survival mechanisms and how we respond to ACoA that may attract some evil people.
IF we believe we are inept and abnormal for being abused and being target of evil person - this will only add up to already present toxic shame and we will believe that we must fix ourselves in order to become "resilient".
That is toxic shame belief itself.
That is why toxic shame is a monster -
it prevents us get rid of it, since our beliefs how to get rid of toxic shame is actually producing new toxic shame. Paradoxical, but that is how toxic shame works.
It is very hard for toxically ashamed person to accept oneself - with all faults and errors and mistakes and imperfections - including the toxic shame itself.
When we radically accept ourselves - no matter how we think and how we behave - toxic shame will be gone.
Deep down we have hard time believing that we are good person.
WE do not understand that if we are not serial killer, if we are not Trump or Putin, when we do not have deep hidden desire to harm exploit and cause pain to others - that there is absolutely nothing wrong with us at all.
With aCoA we are programmed to believe toxic shame belief: that we are valid only when we are without mistakes and flaws.
---
YT "How to talk to angry people"
You do not mention why we react to angry people.
We notice them due to ACoA. You never mention trauma here - our own reaction to evil people.
You never notice another concept that is intrinsically connected with anger - coercive control.
Angry people manipulate and control - they notice that certain people (Traumatized, normal, healthy, sane people) will fawn whenever they scream. This will make narcissists believe that they can be enabled in their abuse - since there is no opposition when they are in Karen mode.
Third important concept which you do not mention here is Unfavorable Power Dynamics.
This concept is extremely hard to grasp due to ego-centrism and Confirmation bias for white heterosexual males born in privilege and entitlement and silver spoon in their mouth since childhood.
This means Jane Elliot's Brown Eye Blue Eye exercise from 1968 - where privileged kids never understood that there is oppression since they never felt oppression on their own skin due to color of their eyes.
So - when you handle angry people with white male str8 genitalia - it means that when you get fired from your job, you will find another job much easily than rest of people who are not white straight male, your paycheck will be higher and you will experience less mobbing at job as others do. So from this entitlement position it is easy to say in pontification way and in the same time ignoring aforementioned concepts here.
From place of entitlement you will easily spread Moral Relativism and present angry people as poor victims which we must fawn and have understanding while in the same time ignore their criminal activities, perpetrators.
Angry people are angry because of entitlement and lack of empathy - They can choose and control their abnormality dysregulation but they choose to harm and cause pain to other people because they were awarded for their actions to do so.
Moral relativism leads to toxic people get into managerial positions, moral relativism brings tyrants to power, where our own empathy and humane and civil adult discourse is being used against ourselves.
---
(26-8-2023)
"Isolation, addiction, self harm, codependency, depression, worthlessness, eating disorders, body Dysmorphia, DID, learned helplessness, self hatred , self sabotage, lack of self respect and trust,never living up to your potential"
These are outer layers.
John Bradshaw depicted toxic shame as onion layers skin.
These are all after effect of the core of toxic shame:
"Isolation, addiction, self harm, codependency, depression, worthlessness, eating disorders, body Dysmorphia, DID, learned helplessness, self hatred , self sabotage, lack of self respect and trust,never living up to your potential"
For example,
first we are in childhood of ACoA - we are not codependent at first.
At first we get through Operand Conditioning where there are punishments and reinforcements through criticism all the time. This Skinner's Box is not codependency.
This is very important to realize.
With CBT and industry self help - we lump various concepts together - which is harmful because we don't make sense what is the motor and what is after-effect.
We need to realize that codependency is not something we caught in the street - it is after effect of dysfunction.
That is the core message of Ross Rosenberg - he is - was the first one to discover this phenomena: that codependency is not independent trait, we are not born with it. We inquired it through abuse, which was not our fault , and we did not cause the abuse.
CBT tries to blame us and make us believe that we caused the codependency with our thoughts, that our core brain is abnormal and it is creating personality disorders. This is a lie - and it is making us stuck in codependency, wrong explanation by CBT.
Abuse, toxic people - they programmed us through Coercive control to reject our self worth, to hypnotize us into our worthlessness so that we focus on abusers and anyone who is angry and moody - to fix them and take care of their emotions and their well being- since we are made believe that we are inept and ugly and disgusting.
This inability to distinguish codependency and all other self hating concepts which you wrote is keeping us stuck in trauma.
We simply cannot process it all, since we believe we are faulty, that by default we are abnormal and it is all our fault.
---
"by switching off the negative guilt tripping thoughts in our minds "
Unfortunately, this is not how it works.
You cannot wake yourself up from hypnosis - since we are not the ones who coerced ourselves into codependency.
It is extremely important to realize that we are not responsible for codependency - we did not start it.
This is very hard lesson to learn, understand and accept as codependents - because we are trapped in programming and hypnosis of self blame and self pathology, which CBT is enforcing. CBT ought to be banned. There is really nothing abnormal about our brain, there is no disorder. Instead there is trauma and coercive control which was Operand Conditioning - that got us stuck in codependency.
So really there is nothing that we need to fix inside our brain - our brain is simply running the virus code which was installed in our brain.
There is nothing wrong with our monitor, there is nothing wrong with our keyboard, mouse, printer, CPU, memory, cooling fan.
The virus inside computer you cannot clean it if it is core virus, that got installed into BIOS. IT will simply run itself as soon as you restart the computer.
That is how Operand Conditioning working.
We are programmed to believe in core belief that we are inept and unlovable and unacceptable - these beliefs will come with each new day - especially if we believe that these are part of ourselves, something that we can switch off with a button, We can't - since we are lovable and competent and acceptable as we are. There is nothing to change here.
Virus is the problem, programming, operand conditioning, hypnosis - that was instilled in us through Coercive control, ACoA, put downs, abuse over long period of time.
Operand Conditioning can be removed through the process called Extinction. That we simply do not get reactions to triggers any more - once we realize that we are not the virus, that as ourselves there is nothing wrong with us. Total immunity.
If we are not serial killers, if we do not have hidden agenda to harm and cause pain and any sort of harm to anyone, if we are not anti-social - there is really nothing broken nor abnormal inside us. Nothing at all.
I call this process of Extinction as "Putting a price tag on ourselves" - so that we actually start to value our ability to resolve issues over being Karen and being in Fight trauma response.
That we choose Fawning and people pleasing and being "codependent" over hysteria and murder and torture.
We need to start value our default reactions which are turned against us by evil people.
Evil people are the virus - they are the problem, not our personality of agreeableness and openness and neuroticism which are all Big 5 personality traits. There is nothing abnormal in being open and friendly and social and thinking about bad things that may happen if we do xyz.
When we put price tag on these core values which make us human and humane - we can start to reject the virus and cut contact and minimize contacts and stop sharing our personal life and personal time with these covert monsters around us who turn our empathy into codependency on them - due to their put downs and criticism and nagging and complaints about our every day errors and flaws and mistakes.
---
NArcissisist will always be found there where they can control and manipulate others.
Especially if there is money profit through corruption.
Big fish will aim for politics, marketing, managerial seats.
Small sociopaths will aim for positions as teachers and instructors - where they are in constant position of being superior while others are in constant position of being a recruit and newbies which they molest by "Not knowing".
Parenthood is one of perfect position for narc monsters. They get life time of abusing someone, especially if their kid is empathic and friendly and nice and sane and healthy, sociable. They get free food to devour for lifetime supply.
---
Spreading wrong information is doing incredible damage to anyone who seeks genuine help.
---
It is more than survival mechanism.
Agreeableness and Openness as personality traits. Google Big 5 personality traits test.
If we want romantic contact with someone - we need to be people pleaser at some extent.
If we want normal relationships with anyone - we need to be a little bit people pleaser. If we always want it our way, that is abnormality, mental illness, personality disorder, narcissism really.
---
YT "What If Triggers Are An Ally, Not An Enemy?
"
"Triggers are there to help us see where we need that care, that protection and that connection to nurture, our well-being."
This makes a lot of sense.
When I sought explanations for social anxiety issues - CBT explained that I was hallucinating the fears and that feelings of fear & panic are abnormal, disorder and something to quickly destroy by being "strong" and "confident": then I ended up with chronic fawning because whenever I would be triggered by violent, corrupt and predatory personalities - I would label my panic reactions as personality disorder and something that I invent. I ended up with deep core toxic shame belief that other people are "strong" and "confident" while I am abnormal for reacting to unfair dynamics.
Back then I didn't know about Fawning - Marshall taught me this concept 2 years ago. I struggled with social anxiety panic since 1990.
Useless amount of time waster on wrong explanations by CBT.
I realize now what Marshall talks about here - that healing Complex Trauma (which CBT labels away quickly as "hallucination" and being "weak" and "unconfident") means validating ourselves - including our reactions to toxic people.
Neuroticism is part of Big 5 personality, without it we would be narcissists and we would not care for security of ourselves nor others.
---
YT "The inner child does not see toxicity #childhoodtrauma #toxicfamily #shorts"
This explains Operand Conditioning.
Exposure to relentless criticism in childhood (AcoA) creates the automatic reactions to triggers in form of trauma responses: fawn, freeze is usually choice for empaths, HSPs.
Extinction in Operand Conditioning is when we realize that there is something that is feeding Operand Conditioning -
and that is our desire to fix other people, to make them wake up as Patrick says, our desire to make better world, to align with our high moral and ethical standards and perfectionism. That is feeding the triggers.
---
(27.8.2023)
YT "Boundaries That Stop Narcissists"
Good tips .. but this does not cover two dimensions which are very common in targets of narcissistic abuse:
1) When we are in unfavorable Power Dynamics.
For example - we can't quit toxic job filled with mobbing due to finances.
Not being able to leave close narc contact due to lack of money, lack of shelter, inability to leave third party to narcs like kids or older family members, us or them being immobile for whatever reason - and then we are stuck in narc abuse.
2) RSD. Being exposed to long term narc abuse will harm our brain. We will develop emotional dysregulation, social anxiety issues or in short Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. What does this mean in real life? It means - even when we set boundaries as explained in this video: a) by not reacting to narcs and b) by leaving them - we will experience worry, rumination, nightmares, intrusive thoughts - involuntary and painful. That is RSD. Being stuck in abuser's words and actions replaying in our mind, Complex Trauma.
Now the worst thing to do about RSD, social anxiety, dysregulation and CPTSD - which are all the same - is to label all these and stigmatize ourselves with psychiatry. Like we are too sensitive or that something is wrong with us for having reactions, natural reactions to psychopaths and truly evil people.
The truth is - in both cased - impossible situations where we are unable to move from narcs - it is important to develop self trust and that means that we do not develop self abuse, self pathology in the process for not being able to move from narcs and from not being able to erase their trauma from our minds. Toxic society will tend to give us wrong explanations and wrong advice - that we resist and that we self pathologize ourselves with clinical terms - and once we are in this self hypnosis loop of toxic shame - we won't be able to come up with ideas how to remove ourselves from toxic people.
---
(28.8.2023)
This rumination hamster wheel Pure OCD cycle is stemming from Operand Conditioning in childhood. We were trained like circus animals to worry and to seek and find and then fix other people's bad moods like anger or hysteria - we feel compelled to fix others and we feel contaminated when someone is in some kind of agony, we think we are to blame and it is our duty and responsibility to take care of other people's real or imagined problems.
ACoA, ACE aftermaths.
---
YT "Social anxiety vs Autism"
Agree. This is unexplored area.
It opens the Pandora box of Neurodivergence - and since Autism is not binary as DSM presents it, it is spectrum - which means anyone can be on some sort of Sorites Paradox and Autistic in some way.
Autists and ADHDers learn to mask how their brain is working since Neurotypicals are obsessed with being correct and destroy anything that moves differently, kinda like Crusaders wars in Dark Ages.
Diagnosing and labels lead to stigma.
Quick diagnosis is hyper-cognition and experts are prone to it.
CBT explains social anxiety as hallucination and distortion - which creates incredible psychological damage to anyone who was abused, been in ACoA, ACE, dysfunction contact with narcissists and predators.
---
YT "Struggling With Social Anxiety? These Strategies Will Help
"
Part 1:
Social anxiety is not being shy. It is trauma.
"You dread social situations"
This is brainwashing statement. You will hypotize anyone struggling with narcissistic abuse to develop a general belief that all social situations are dreadful since you explain it this way, due to CBT.
It's 9th second into the video and you have already given two major wrong interpretations of social anxiety and mislead it into wrong direction - like domino effect or Butterfly Effect.
IT is like Titanic measuring wrong the sextant so it brought the ship into ice fields due to wrong reading.
"You'll do anything to avoid them"
You see, socially anxious do not feel anxious 1-on-1. They don't feel socially anxious online after they break the ice and start to chat or make comments. This is a clue that social anxiety is trauma issue - negative bullying experience which is now dread of being attacked by others for expressing own opinion.
"Almost everyone experiences social anxiety to some degree"
When I wrote the subject topic about this on main reddit forum for Social anxiety, my topic statement was flooded with negative comments that I lie and this is not true - so much that moderators deleted my topic and later on I was banned.
"Any type of interaction can be potential trigger"
The word trigger implies Trauma. IT is not shyness. You contradict yourself in the same video, 20 seconds apart.
"To reduce social anxiety"
To reduce social anxiety means becoming Trump, Putin, bully. Why would anyone want to become obnoxious jerk who has criminally insane mind and actions?
"Treating any source of anxiety benefits from what's known as exposure"
1) It does not treat trauma. This means, anxiety will become Functional, Masked, Compartmentalized. This means - trauma will become suppressed. Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness. So you are teaching us here to develop mental illness.
2) Exposure require money. We are not all born in USA with silver spoon in our mouth. Some do not have money for all the exposure
3) When you tell your brain that there is some kind of issue that must be cured - the brain will create more problems to struggle with and worry about. This is called Ironic process theory / The Pink Elephant Paradox "trying to suppress a thought is likely to make it more intrusive". Jung said - what we resist, persist. So you are instructing us to develop hypervigilance and worry and Pure OCD.
4) The best way to realize how CBT Exposure mania is detrimental - think of Stockton Rush. He was convinced that exposure to deep depths will strengthen his carbon fibre submersible. It imploded and he is now mass murderer - because of his fantasy about exposure. If our submirsible is prone to cracking due to carbon fibre, it is not from titanium - this is the same as having trauma inside us due to ACoA and ACE, having narcissistic parents like Stockton Rush who are unable to hear listen to criticism due to their delusions and beliefs about exposure.
"Putting ourselves in situations that we're anxious about"
Social anxiety will not go away with it. Social phobia was renamed into anxiety in mid 1990s because CBT "experts" discovered that social anxiety does not go away with exposure to feared objects - so it is not phobia. Phobias go away with exposure. Trauma does not.
Trauma is not recognized by CBT due to pharma mafia.
"Which helps us become more comfortable"
I like this quote:
I go out and I have a blast. I see people I know, watch show in a club, I talk. And it feels good, invigorated. And..next day I will feel anxious again about doing the same thing! You would think after so many times of positive reinforcement
🟥JamesCamacho
"Test hypotheses and beliefs about what we think will happen"
So what we do when we are in mobbing and we can't quit our job due to finances?
What happens when we live in shame culture country and most people are intrusive and rude to us?
What happens when close contact is narcissistic and put us down all the time, making drama out of anything that moves - and we cannot leave due to money?
What then?
"Learn that these situations aren't as big as a threat as we fear"
How do you know that?
How can you know what billions of people are going through? What is their financial status? What narcissists and predatorsa are around them? How do you know that all people are safe? You don't. You are speaking dogma here, like a North Korean dictator, you brainwash us into fantasy, delusions, not reality.
"Things usually don't go as badly as we predict"
What happens when they do go badly? What then? We don't matter if things do go bad?
"The outcomes we're most worried about usually don't happen"
You do not mention toxic shame here and feeling toxic guilt and toxic shame all the time.
This information is obsefucated from your presentation - so you basically have no idea what is social anxiety. You mislabel shyness with social anxiety. You are describing shyness here - not social anxiety.
"Even if they do, we're generally better able to cope with them than we expected"
1) What if we aren't?
2) What if we feel severe toxic shame and trauma which is part of social anxiety - that we feel bad even when we do all the perfect things how to respond to bad things?
"Anxiety provoking situations"
Your examples of anxiety provoking situations are as shown in video:
1. Social gatherings
2. Talking in groups
3. Dating
4. Public speaking
5. Small talk with strangers
6. Phone video calls.
You never mention abuse, bullying, narcissistic abuse, false accusations, put downs, endless criticism, micro-aggression, unfavorable Power Dynamics.
These real life anxiety provoking situations do not exist in your video.
This way you are brainwashing us to believe we are hallucinating the anxiety and that we are over-reacting - since you never mention real life situations, you explain here a mere shyness. This way you are making incredible psychological damage to anyone struggling with real social anxiety due to exposure to abuse.
"Example - we're invited to a social event"
Shyness. You explain here shyness, not social anxiety.
"We're anxious that we won't fit in or have anyone to talk to"
Nope.
Socially anxious are anxious due to fear of speaking own mind, expressing own opinon which some bully will mock and put down and embarrass us. That is what socially anxious person is anxious about.
"But if we avoided everything that gives us social anxiety"
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety. It has social factor inside it. It means anxiety is caused and triggered by the social. Society. It is not called self-anxiety. We are not afraid of ourselves. The fear panic terror comes from bully, narcissists, predators, borderliners, critics, criminally insane, psychopaths, sociopaths, Machiavellians and brainwashers like you who instruct us with wrong definitions to gaslight us into doubting our reality and our own feelings.
"We wouldn't have much of social life"
1) this is Neurotypical dogma. You are now spreading ableism on top of everything.
2) If we do not have money, there will be no social life. If we do not live in NY or LA, if we are not born with silver spoon in our mouth - we won't have much to go anywhere without going bancrupt. You are making your videos for the rich, not for general public.
Money is quick solver of any problems - and your video is not psychological at all.
Psychology teaches us to feel good about ourselves as we are - intrinsic locus of control. What you are describing here - is that we become trauma bonded with admiration and appraisal and other people, external referencing locus of control. You tell us that in order to be calm and "normal" we must depend on other people to make us happy and sane. Hence - You are instructing us here to develop borderline personality disorder.
This is 2nd minute into the video and you already brainwashed us with tons of toxic shame.
"We'd love to feel more comfortable in social situation in general"
And we'd love to have money and cars and boats and food and never work hard in life - but this is all fantasy and delusions of what we want from life that are not realistic.
---
Part 2
"Treat is as oppotunity for learning"
Anything in life is opportunity for learning, not going to parties only.
When you tell someone with trauma that they need to learn something - you are condescending and patronizing others that they are dumb and have low intelligence which prevented them to learn anything in life up until now when you point it out.
"People were friendly and talked to me"
How do you know that?
How do you know that this is general outcome about any social event?
People can be friendly and still have hidden agenda, communal narcissists especially.
"People started to talk to me"
You are instrucing people to develop borderline personality disorder - to depend on other people to feel good about oneself.
"Probably nobody will notice"
How do you know that?
You are making general statement which have nothign to do with real life.
Narcissists notice everything, they scan all people and they look for easy targets: someone who is socially anxious.
"We're going to talk to at least two people"
This is manipulation and control. When someone gives us advice what to do - this is coercive control.
What about people who are introverts and do not like talking to random people?
What about autistic people who are comfortable being alone without random chat?
What about abused people who do not trust everyone anymore?
You are forcing here Neurotypical agenda about what is conformism, groupthink norm and herd mentality - and you place incredible psychological pressure on someone who might be in corrupt ambient which is extremely toxic.
What if people around are narcissists? If we make any kind of contact with someone with personality disorder - they will destroy our lives.
IF people around are evil and psychopaths and corrupt?
If you make friends with just about anyone - you bet you will attract a lot of toxic people who are exploiting others for their own hidden agenda.
You are telling us here that we over-ride our natural instincts and common sense - and to become people pleaser and to fawn to others.
You are making borderline conclusions that being alone is abnormality and sickness and that we must depend on other people in order to be accepted and validated - which is narcissism.
"Even if it is small talk"
Some people hate small talk, superficial contact and meaningless conversations. That is not sickness not abnormality to cure.
"We can reduce our anxiety by modifying our anxious thoughts"
Jesus Christ.
This is getting worse and worse.
"Which can cause anticipatory anxiety beforehand"
Nope. Our brain is not causing any anxiety. Our brain has not woken up one day and decided it will plague us with anxiety at random.
Our brain did not walk into street and caught anxiety like some common cold.
Anxiety is not spread around by casual contact, like hug or kiss on a cheak.
If we have anticipatory anxiety - this is clear and concise clue that we have Complex Trauma issue. It is trauma. Something shocking happened to us in childhood (ACoA, ACE) like being exposed to relentless criticism by mentally ill parent who is dysregulated and regulates by criticising others. That caused anxiety. Not our brain.
When you explain that our brain is creating anxiety - you are self pahtologizing us.
You are creating a false but detrimental belief that we are choosing to feel trauma.
This leads to self blame, self pathology and deep feeling of toxic shame, deep core belief we are abnormal for having natural reactions to toxic people, you are forcing us to believe that our core self is flawed and abnormal - and this way you are instructing us to develop mental illnes.
CBT ought to be banned.
"Instead we could think people are generally friendly"
Leads to fawning and people pleasing and being pushover.
You are instructing trauamtized people to become victims of narcissistic abuse here.
That they enable toxic people to be toxic.
"Even if I'm little awkward nobody will care"
This is incorrect statement.
People will care, they will notice errors and mistakes and they will hold them against us. We can do million good things to people and they will hold grudge about one single mistake or what they perceive as mistake.
So you are filled with delusional belief and thoughts in this video - and you are instructing us to develop delusional beliefs.
"It can be really hard to believe our modified thoughts if we don't have evidence to back them up"
No kidding, Sherlock.
When we modify, nitpick, fix our thoughts - we are creating false persona.
That is narcissism. Rigid mindset filled with delusional beliefs and incorrect unrealistic dogma.
"Exposure provides us with the evidence we need to help us think about these situations in less anxiety provoking light"
So.. if we live with Amber and when she start to poop in our bed and contemplate false court hearing where she will label us as rapist in order to destroy our career and steal our money - we need to be calm and enable her abuse because feeling anxious is abnormality and sickness?
How do you know that exposure will destroy toxic people?
Why are you making such overgeneralization statements that are simply not true?
"We can also modify our negative thoughts during the actual social situation"
Jesus Christ. Unbelievable.
This "idea" will lead to anxiety. And panic. You are instructing people to develop anxiety.
When we do not trust our common sense and our intuition and our own brain - we will develop severe toxic shame and fears and trauma.
"More helpful thoughts would be It's ok to be quiet sometimes"
You talked for 7 minutes that we MUST talk to others. Now you say it is okay to be quiet. You are contradicting yourself.
"It's natural to feel uncomfortable and shy around people I don't know"
You spend 7 minutes talking how anxiety is abnormality which prevents us to have amazing super grand social life and that anxiety is creating anxiety and that we must be cured from it by performing circus tricks - but now you say it is natural to feel uncomfortable.
Do you see what you are doing?
This is narcissistic abuse. You are making highly contradicting statements and then whitewash your own words by presenting yourself as savior who is concerned and validating.
You first explain us that we are freaks for feeling anxiety - and now you are telling us it is natural.
"It is okay to take my time to observe and listen"
Just stop, please for the love of god - don't make any social anxiety videos anymore. This is torture.
The horror.
"I can still make eye contact and smile"
People pleasing. Fawning. You are making us believe that we must depend on other people to feel secure and safe.
Literally every single sentence in this video is severe delusion, brainwashing and a lie, unrealistic and it does not work in real life - and it is creating more anxiety.
"Somebody may ask Why are you so quiet"
Well that someone is intrusive and has poor social skills and narcissistic and ego-centric.
"But they are not making judgement"
They are intrusive. That is judgement. They are poking into someone's actions, behavior. That is highly toxic. Normal healthy friendly people do not feel entitled to comment someone's personality, personal behavior which does not attack them in any way.
"Just trying to be friendly"
This kind of "friend" will be intrusive in anything else. These "friendly" folks feel entitled and privileged. Highly toxic.
"We can respond feeling a little quiet because I don't really know anyone"
Or we might admit we have social anxiety issues.. or even we can actually tell them to mind their own freaking business?
"it's okay to feel anxious"
Your whole video is about stigmatizing and pathologizing and symptomizing trauma as anxiety is abnormality - and now you explain to us that we talk to ourselves that anxiety is okay.
Just stop please. You have no idea what is social anxiety, this is hard to watch.
---
Part 3
"We can tell ourselves instead..."
This nitpicking our values and beliefs lead to toxic shame. This self - invalidation will end up as more anxiety. CBT must be banned, it is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone who beliefs it.
"I don't need to interpet every small action as negative response to me"
Yeah we don't need to but we do. This is called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
When you generally tell someone that they don't need to do something that is invalidating, victim blaming, victim shaming, it is patronizing, condoscenting, pontificating.
Instead of such CBT ableist neurotypical approach - how about revoutionary idea about actually standing by our self, believing in ourselves and actually taking our own freaking side?!
"We often dwell"
That is totally normal. Neuroticism is Big 5 personality trait.
When we decide to follow CBT ableism - we will end up with personality disorder.
You are pathologizing and symptomizing normal human reactions to toxic people.
"Observing them without judgement"
This is called Moral Relativism. IT is great to be open and agreeable - however - this will become dangerous when the other person is mentally ill, criminally insane, serial killer. Then we need to have our ability to judge and to be anxious and scared.
Moral relativism leads to tyrants in power positions - because people like you enable their abuse through rationalizations and being focused on egocentrism.
Your whole video is ego-centric - you are making our emotions and feelings as if they are the only in the world and that they are the only thing that matters in the whole universe. Paradoxically you do not value those same emotions - you are judging them all the time - but now you want us that we do not judge others at all.
So your idea is that we judge and beat ourselves up - while we make endless excuses and rationalization and enabling for all people around us, no matter how toxic they are.
DO you realize how your CBT is toxic and sick therapy that is creating abnormality and insanity?
"Let our thoughts come and go like clouds"
So.. if we are jerk and if we treat other people like trash, we must let our consciousness pass like a cloud?
If we are criminally insane we simply must destroy any guilt and shame?
Do you have any idea what your abnormal CBT is instructing general public to become?
"Keep our attention focused on what we're saying"
Socially anxious people are already doing that. All the time. To the point of hypervigilance and survival mode.
They really don't need more of pruning. Ban the CBT. It is instructing us to develop anxiety.
"mindfullness"
leads to anxiety.
Self-absorption paradox
The self-absorption paradox describes the contradictory association whereby higher levels of self-awareness are simultaneously associated with higher levels of psychological distress and with psychological well-being.
"Accepting anxiety as uncomfortable"
Problem is not anxiety.
Problem are toxic people, narcissists, their abuse and manipulation and coercive control - which you neve mention in video at all. Your 15 minute talking is about self blame and self pathologizing and symptomizing our normal reactions to toxic people - who do not exist in your CBT world.
"We just allow our anxiety to be here"
Nope.
Anxiety is messenger. IT is telling us something important. Ignoring it will lead to people pleasing and life in anxiety.
Horrible messages.
This CBT trash kept me stuck in social anxiety for 20 years. Horrendous ableist therapy.
"WE shift our focus of our awareness towards our social interactions"
You have absolutely no idea what is social anxiety at all.
Socially anxious are already zoomed onto other people, like a microscopical zoom.
Socially anxious look at other people, their gestures, their moods, their facial non verbal expressions - due to trauma - looking for potential attack from someone all the time. That is social anxiety. hence the name social+anxiety. Anxiety stemming from the social. Not from our self. It is not called self anxiety.
"I have some videos with strategies"
Just delete them please. You are creating incredible psychological damage to anyone struggling with social anxiety with bias, prejudices, oversimplifications and wrong conclusions and hypercognition.
"We notice cues which we interpet negative"
All people do this. This is not endemic to social anxiety.
Darwin noticed this phenomena of survial of those who adapt to their predators, stress.
This is toally normal human behavior which allowed us to be on this planet for 6 million years, but your ableist CBT symptomized and pathologized even that.
"Negative attentional bias"
Is just as detrimental as Positive attentional bias.
And why you throw bias around - let's talk about CBT biases.
There is a concept called Attribution Theory.
And this wonderful concept describes, reveals to us how CBT is judging social anxiety through considering socially anxious character - NOT situation they are in.
Interesting concept to learn for anyone believing in CBT dogma and ideology.
Key points you never mention in this CBT orgy:
Emotional self-regulation
Trauma splitting
Codependence
Karpman drama triangle
Humanistic psychology
Perfectionism
Ego depletion
c-PTSD (Complex Trauma)
Toxic shame
Entitlement
Attunement
Social rejection
Trauma bonding
Egocentrism
Social bias
Defense mechanisms
Personal fable
Self worth
Imaginary audience
Fawning
Gaslighting
Long-Term Narcissistic Abuse Can Cause Brain Damage
Emotional manipulation
Double bind
Self-absorption paradox
Blame-shifting
Confirmation bias
Narcissistic invalidation
Radical Acceptance
Coercive control
Critical thinking
Self-Pathologizing
Self-advocacy
Transference
Moral injury
The Fallacy of Control
Amygdala Hijack
Polyvagal theory
Self-regulation
Introjection
Safety mechanisms
Operant conditioning
Psychological safety
Ruinous Empathy
Radical Candor
Little Albert experiment
Learned helplessness
Sadistic Personality
Emotional contagion
Social stigma
The Milgram experiment
Jane Elliott's "Blue eyes/Brown eyes" exercise
Narcissistic Baiting
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
Internal vs External Locus of Control
Pendulation
Constant criticism
Neglect
Fuzzy logic
Social learning theory
Dissociation
Seesaw effect
Big 5 Personality Traits
Negative politeness
ACoA
---
YT "Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale"
"Social phobia" is archaic term, replaced in mid 1990s because CBT "experts" discovered that social anxiety does not go away with exposure to feared object.
"Social anxiety is overwhelming fear"
It is trauma. Social anxiety is trauma, not a mere fear.
"Intense anxiety and distress"
This is called Emotional Dysregulation.
"Speaking in public"
Public speaking is not ordinary task.
This scale is Attribution theory - where anxiety is described from personality characteristic and not situation where person is, this leads to bias and wrong conclusions, self pathologizing and weaponizing psychiatry as instrument of creating personality disorders.
Hopefully someone will ban this CBT madness.
---
YT "How To Overcome Social Anxiety Today ! [MUST LEARN TIPS] - Dr. Meghana Dikshit
"
Anxiety is suppose to be uncomfortable - that is its' function.
Without anxiety we would never be able to detect what is toxic and who is toxic and fake and criminal and pathological liar.
Issue with sweat and annoying body output is not true social anxiety, that is Japanese version of social anxiety.
Understanding who is right person will not help with situations where we are abused and when we cannot run away due to lack of money and shelter.
Social anxiety means that we already observe other people - we zoom onto them due to abuse, which you even described in the video.
Obviously you do not know what is trauma.
Talking to strangers is shyness issue -
why would we bother other people? Why would we make contact with potential narcissist and abuser?
Horrible advice.
Why do you even give advice? That is pontification and condescending.
Why not acknowledge and validate our trauma and anxiety and our own mechanisms how we handle life and people after we've been abused?
Improvement mania is narcissism.
Working on our brain patterns is ableism. Neurotypical nazi concentration camps for anyone who is different from the groupthink conformism herd mentality.
Interviews, offers - that is also possible with Functional Social anxiety. Functional social anxiety does not mean trauma is gone.
You talk as if interview is highlight of our life.
What happens when there is mobbing at toxic job and we cannot quit due to lack of money? What then?
Yoga, nature, dress better - You are speaking to us as if we are children who have really low IQ. Flash news - we already did all that.
WE are not stupid for being abused.
Please just stop. You are embarrassing yourself and give wrong information to socially anxious.
---
YT "Social Anxiety Motivation: You Miss 100% Of…
"
Playing all scenario in the head - will be job description when we get that job.
Taking serious action is Neurotypical nonsense.
---
YT "I Overcame Social Anxiety in 10 Days"
You are describing Shyness. Not social anxiety.
Talking with strangers is obsession for Neurotypicals. It is not norm for everyone. It is not goal for everyone.
You never had social anxiety - you had shyness and you tried to fit in into groupthink and herd mentality and groupthink.
---
YT "Social Anxiety Can Affect Our Relationships..."
If you had friends to begin with .- you never had social anxiety at all.
You had shyness.
You are misdiagnosing yourself, you are self pathologizing yourself, labeling yourself and stigmatizing yourself - making yourself ill.
---
YT "Social Anxiety just makes it worse- 🤷🏿♀️"
Social anxiety is ability to detect toxic people.
Toxic people make it worse, not our natural reactions to toxic people.
---
YT "Social Anxiety 👀"
Ability to think in detail is blessing and it helps us to remove toxicity.
At any job, we will be paid to think and to prevent errors from happening.
Nobody will pay us to not do anything. So society is build on thinking and overthinking.
If we label our ability to think more detailed as abnormality and sickness - we will develop severe toxic shame and we will destroy our self worth.
We will self censor ourselves and hence create personality disorder.
And what's worse we will start to believe that other people are better and healthier and smarted than us - and we will go along with their inability to detect errors which will make us codependent and being trapped in someone's crappy life decisions.
We need to put price tag on our natural ability to process reality as adults.
Being 5 year old narcissists trapped in adult body appears fun and care-free - but it creates more damage and stress long term.
Making fun of our preparedness is called:
Preparedness paradox
The paradox is the incorrect perception that there had been no need for careful preparation as there was little harm, although in reality the limitation of the harm was due to preparation.
---
YT "Social Anxiety Truth: “Life Begins At…”
"
Stockton Rush hated comfort zone so much that he killed 4 people due to hatred of living in fear.
Third world countries live in discomfort for life - and it does not help them to do stuff in life at all. Instead of progress and money they have drug cartels, psychopaths in political and religious power and alcohol and drug abuse.
Prisons are not hotbed of scientists and mathematicians. Someone would think if your bias is correct than uncomfortable place would make super humans from them - but real life does not work that way.
Slum part of the cities - does not heal themselves at all. They stay stuck in discomfort, mafia, crime, drug abuse and violence.
--
YT "How I overcame social anxiety..."
Social anxiety is not lack of social confidence-
you mix things up.
Social anxiety can be Functional - Michael Jackson had crippling social anxiety but it was Functional for him - he made movies, he made TV shows, he had mass concerts, traveled a lot and made contact with billions of people - yet unhealed unprocessed and unaddressed trauma was beneath this Functional social anxiety.
" I eventually discovered that even most socially competent individuals generally felt anxious when talking to others"
When I created topic about this on main reddit forum for social anxiety - I was immediately criticized for lying and the post got deleted by moderators and I was banned soon afterwards from the forum.
Many commentators protested that this is not true at all.
They also like you did not know the concept of Functional social anxiety.
You do not understand that social anxiety means having high moral and ethical standards - and hence having no social anxiety means being obnoxious moron, like Putin or Trump who are making fun of Down syndrome and invade their neighbor due to paranoia and simply being evil.
"The key difference is that they didn't see it as weird or not normal. They just saw is as a part of socializing and it eventually would leave after spending some time in conversation"
This is 100% true - but this is shyness. Not social anxiety.
Shyness goes away with exposure - since there is no threat.
Social anxiety is trauma.
IT is being stuck in job with mobbing without ability to leave due of lack of money and shelter. That is social anxiety.
So you are describing shyness here, not social anxiety.
"Stopped using alcohol as a crutch"
ACoA is trigger for any social issues.
"practice social skills"
Again - you are describing shyness, not social anxiety.
Socially anxious already have superior social skills: they have high moral and ethical standards, they are empaths, they will try hard not to make mistake or hurt anyone, they are empaths and they have ability to put themselves in other people shoes. All these are not sickness nor abnormality nor anything to destroy or replace with narcissism.
"Put myself in socially demanding situations"
Again - you are describing shyness here.
This is extremely hard to understand for neurotypicals who are obsessed with herd mentality, parties and being approved and validated by majority.
Imagine this - what I am talking is having a girlfriend like Amber. One day she starts to poop in your bed.
So . your ideology here is that we must be codependent, that we must become people pleaser and that we must expose ourselves to mentally sick people in order to heal and cure our "shyness" and "anxiety".
Why?
Why would you hate having uncomfortable feelings which warns you that another person is mentally ill and evil?
Why would you destroy alarm ability to detect danger - so that when danger happens - you experience same mistakes over and over again? Because you have issues of experiencing negative emotions?
Staying in conversation where I felt uncomfortable is called Codependency. It is mental illness. This is people pleasing. It is also called Fawning.
It is trauma response - which we learned in ACoA - We learned that we are responsible for other people anger and moods and that we must be strong and confident so that we show off as big boss and alpha and helper and healer of mentally ill people around us.
"Going to house parties"
Shyness.
You never had social anxiety in the first place.
You are obsessed with parties. That is not social anxiety. That is neurotypical frame of mind, ableist mentality - where you think you must conform to majority and what most of people label as normal.
"Talk to stangers"
Why are you so obsessed with talking to strangers?
Why don't you realize that behind talking to strangers lies external referencing locus of control and narcissism - where you depend on other people to feel good about yourself. You seek their approval and validation and admiration. This is also root of borderline -person who depends on other people to explain for them what is real, acceptable, normal and good - depending on other people to explain reality.
"Social anxiety is completely normal and you can overcome it"
This is oxymoron. You are contradicting your own sentence.
If you believe in self improvement - this is narcissism.
Again, you depend on other people admiration and approval to feel good about yourself.
Seems to me like you developed more issues which have nothing to do with social anxiety - but they feel more welcoming with social anxiety stuck on them as label.
Problem is that truly socially anxious people will watch your video and get completely wrong explanation about what is social anxiety.
---
"But people told me if I have mental issues"
Narcissistic People often project their repressed mental issues onto others in order to feel superior and to hide their own abnormality.
" I try to correct"
Try to accept it instead and see how that works for you.
---
"Social anxiety disorder is an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others."
First of all,
You are mixing up social anxiety and social anxiety disorder.
These are two separate concepts.
Secondly, CBT DSM explanation of social anxiety and social anxiety disorder is incomplete and false.
Social anxiety is not fear - it is trauma.
Trauma and fear appear the same but they are not the same.
Social anxiety is not fear of being judged at all - it is fear of expressing our own judgement of others.
---
"And it can affect a person physically
"
that is because social anxiety is trauma. Trauma means being stuck inside the body. It is physical.
Please educate yourself more, than simply repeating like a parrot CBT nonsense and lies.
---
Well, if you think about it more - as you stated while copy pasting text from DSM - social anxiety appears whenever there is criticism and negative judgement.
So there is some kind of intrusiveness.
When someone is intrusive - that is toxic.
Normal healthy sane friendly people are not intrusive. They think before they speak, they care how their actions affect the other person.
Only narcissistic borderline and egocentric predators have no ability to care how other people feel and they feel entitled to be intrusive.
That is toxic - and this is what socially anxious person will detect.
Why are you enjoying so much in pathologizing others?
Why you feel good about symptomizing others and patronizing them?
Why is it so hard for you to empathize victims of abuse and validate their own experience?
These are all signs of communal narcissism in you.
---
" one thing I'm not going to do is have a debate with you about this"
This is called personality disorder - inability to listen to others and admit you are wrong.
"what type of social anxiety I have, "
You misdiagnose your borderline disorder as social anxiety because that makes you more friendly to attract new victims into your narcissistic abuse ambient. You play and pretend to be victim and have social anxiety so that you appear as poor and weak to others so that they rescue you - while you abuse them.
---
You mix up so many terms.
Social phobia is archaic term - it was disbanded in mid 1990s when CBT "experts" discovered that social anxiety does not go away with exposure.
Social anxiety is not the same as social anxiety disorder.
Text you read is DSM - which is not scientific at all. IT is acceptable table of pathologizing normal reactions to abuse, accepted by corrupt medical industry in USA. DSM does not recognize Complex Trauma - due to money - while WHO ICD11 recognizes complex trauma.
---
Having a funny walk is not abnormality nor sickness.
IT is issue of conformism, groupthink, herd mentality, neurotypical crap of majority forcing what is supposed to be a norm.
Mental illness is when we harm ourselves or when we harm others.
When you walk funny - you are not harming anyone. You only trigger insecurities in egocentrics and narcissists, people with mental illness which they try to hide by mocking others around them.
---
YT "Stoic Insights for Conquering Social Anxiety and Cultivating Meaningful Connections"
I don't understand. Stoicism by definition is ability to be stoic with uncomfortable feelings and emotions.
Yet your whole video is about being coward and running away from social anxiety uncomfortable feelings and to dissociate ourselves from alarm and alerts and feedback and experience.
If we feel social anxiety- it means we detected toxic people around us. To rationalize this alarm is the same as to ignore a thief trying to invade your home.
Building meaningful connections have nothing to do with ability to feel social anxiety.
If someone is abusing us - it is totally normal to have panic fear reactions to mentally ill people harming us.
---
"I'll delete everything of the debate"
I keep all my social anxiety comments on blog - so you cannot delete it and people will see the title and see that you are manipulating controlling person with narcissistic issues.
---
YT "10 PROVEN Ways To KILL Your Social Anxiety INSTANTLY (MUST Know...)"
Orgy of ableism and neurotypical crap.
Deep breaths will not help with abuse, bullying and mobbing - real life situations which cause and or trigger social anxiety.
Any ritual as reaction to anxiety sprouts more anxiety - this is road to OCD and mental illness.
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
Start moving is neurotypical crap. You treat abused people as children who are unable to think for themselves. You are condescending and patronizing. You place yourself in high position as someone who does not feel anxiety while we are lower beings, who must be told what to do.
Chew gum. This is embarrassing to watch. Please just stop. You are doing incredible psychological damage to anyone seeking information about social anxiety - by providing information which has nothing to do with social anxiety.
Face your problems is easy for white heterosexual entitled male born in privilege and with silver spoon. What appears as being strong and healthy is actually your white penis that opens the door to magic. With being straight male you will get job more easily than others, your paycheck will be higher and you will experience less mobbing than others. That is secret to your exposure, your white str8 pee pee - not CBT crap that you describe in this annoying video.
Tea - this must be the most annoying video in 2023. Congratulation. This is not easy place to win.
6 minutes and I give up, I cannot watch this ableist crap anymore.
---
YT "Are you stressed or anxious? #anxiety #anxious #stress"
This week your videos are deeply buried - I came to your vids after 3 hours of checking this weeks social anxiety YT videos.
It is good thing that you started to read more about anxiety and become aware that DSM CBT descriptions are superficial and oversimplified and binary.
Up next is to discover that constant worry is called hypervigilance - and we did not caught being hypervigilant by walking in a street, like a common cold. We did not wake up one day and decided that we will start to worry.
This rumination starts as ACoA ACE trauma experience of being exposed to constant criticism by untreated mentally ill person around us.
Also - being able to have neuroticism is not sickness nor abnormality - it is part of Big 5 personality types.
It means we have ability to detect danger and we think how to avoid danger more than neurotypicals.
This is not sickness nor abnormality.
Think of flock of birds -- when they eat , there is always one bird that is not eating - but that bird is watching out for predators and alarms the other birds if predator comes.
That is social anxiety -
we have high moral and ethical standards.
Without them, we would not be prepared for difficulties in life - and we need to start to put price tag on our preparedness.
Most people will dislike preparedness since it exhaust our resources, it kills fun and it makes us serious all the time.
Paradox is if we accept ourselves as we are - we will have ability to adjust those irritating things and make them more fun.
When we on the other hand pathologize and stigmatize ourselves as abnormal and sick - we will become sick and abnormal, we will develop toxic shame, we will hate who we are and we will become codependent on other people to manage our life.
We will become scared of taking actions.
The key is self acceptance and self validation and valuing our persona.
---
I was trying to explain this to him for 1 year now.
He finally got it.
He was convinced that social anxiety is abnormality that must be cured with exposure and that when we expose that we will never experience narcissistic abuse and predators taking advantage of us and mocking our neurodiovergence.
---
YT "Anxiety Is Here To Stay. Here’s Why"
Plus it is biological - neuroticism is Big 5 personality trait. It is not sickness nor abnormality.
ability to detect danger is helpful.
Ability to detect toxic people and feel disgust and uncomfortable around serial killers masked as glib charm - anxiety is super helpful compass to guide us, other than love bombing and honeymoon phases of narcissists.
Similar to Disney cartoon Inside out - everyone hated the emotion of anxiety - since it kills fun, it makes us focus on problem, it does not make us feel good. However - when we do not prepare ourselves - we end up embarrassed and hurt.
Anxiety is also a messenger - it tells us what is toxic and where to go in life. It is beneficial as stated in video.
When we have anxiety - it means we have high moral and ethical standards.
The opposite of no anxiety - is narcissism and psychopathy, total lack of empathy, lack of feeling what other people might feel if we choose certain actions.
Trauma makes it worse.
Operand Conditioning in ACoA make us feel ashamed for having anxiety. CBT is also abusing us into self hatred and self pathology.
---
Psychopaths have no emotions to feel. Do you find being a psychopath better option?
---
Phobia is only cured through exposure. Unlike social anxiety.
Unfortunately -
There is no other way - you need to break the ice. I could tackle this with hiking - when I had a little more money, I could finance my hiking trips, almost 2 weekends monthly - I would sit on a train and travel 200 km to hiking area the whole day, being outside. Financial status is linked to our issues. IF we have money, we can manage life much easily than without it. It has nothing to do with will power or being "strong". Another way was buying a bicycle - and I started to make tours around my hometown every weekend free day. I made a blog about it and put 3 pictures from my daily trip at various stages and GPS map where I drove. I even got asked to make blog post on local page for my hometown.
So thanks to bicycle rides - In my 30s I discovered that turtles live in continent. I was convinced that turtles are tropical animals that live in New Zealand and such exotic tropic places far away.
I tackled my driving phobia by forcing myself to start driving. I got my driver's license in 1995 but it was only in 2014 that I actually started to drive almost regularly. I put joyful activity such as going to shopping in foreign country and their fancy supermarkets as carrot to force myself to drive. Balkan supermarkets smell like feces, clerks are super rude and violent and stuff they sell is poison old crap filled with bacteria (newspapers wrote that is is good salmonella found so there is no problem).
---
""I kind of disagree with the idea that anxiety would always be just a fever of psychiatry."
"when it comes to social situations like parties with relatives, giving a speech or otherwise being the centre of attention, my autonomic nervous system kicks in to fight or flight and I can't be myself or function normally. "
Errr.. and you never asked yourself why?
Why autonomic nervous system kicks in?
We are not born with autonomic system kicking in at parties, giving a speech or being in centre of attention - this is learned behavior. This is Operand Conditioning. This is Trauma. We did not caught social anxiety randomly walking in the street. We did not caught it like a common cold. This is programmed, learned panic - that was installed inside us through exposure to ACoA ACE criticism and microaggression. Which we never seen as problem because fish is not aware that it is in the water - because it is in the water for whole life.
Humans are born with only two fears: fear of loud noises and fear of falling. Giving a speech is definitely not born fear. It is learned, acquired, hypnotized, programmed fear. We were exposed to the systematic punishment and reinforcements and generalizations where we experienced pain and toxic shame. So yep as it is said in the video - social anxiety especially is a fever - it is natural normal healthy reaction to abnormal people, abnormal events and trauma being stuck inside our body.
"I think especially being bullied when you're psychologically the most sensitive (child, teen) can wire your brain really unoptimally for the rest of your life"
Yep - and then as adult you recognize bullies much more quicker than the rest of population - you detect the virus much sooner. Why you have hard time connecting the dots with analogy of anxiety being a fever? You are confirming my words with your own comments.
" Maybe psilocybin / mdma could be the answer to rewiring the circuits"
Operand Conditioning - has phase called Extinction - where we no longer are triggered -
which means that we accept our anxiety as normal and healthy and as a message that toxic person is near us - and that we do something about it. And this doing does not include self abuse, self pathology, enabling the abuse nor it means to dissociate and rationalize our trauma away as some greek bullying that you mention.
---
We can actually think deeply about our life -
is it worth it so endure narcissistic abuse and toxic society -
what we will do with money we get by having fancy title in our name?
Will it go with us in after life?
Is it worth of trauma and pain and suffering?
Will our endurance of narcissistic abuse and toxic society make us better, will it resolve issues in life? Nope, it won't.
We will still experience pain, unfair treatment and after we die - we won't take along with us our fancy car, home, money, accrued wealth - it will all stay behind us.
I would rather listen to our anxiety and go in direction of life where we feel psychological safety and really stand clear from impressing other people who don't give a damn if we die tomorrow by buying things we won't need at all - but we buy it only to impress others.
---
Any reaction to anxiety builds more anxiety. Jung said - what we resist, persist.
Any ritual as reaction to anxiety leads to OCD, mental illness. Because we end up believing that we must make ourselves believe that we must perform circus tricks in order to feel safe.
---
"Harper Daniels "
This is self help industry - it does not help in real life. IT only helps to make money for self help authors.
Anyone who is giving you some advice solid instruction like earlier going, mindfulness mediations - this is called coercive control,
it is ethical and morally wrong to order and command fully grown adult person what must one do in his own life.
It is detrimental - because this advice giving is placing us in codependent place, where we are small children who are unable to process reality and we must depend on this strong white egocentric heterosexuals born into privilege and wealth - how we are suppose to live well.
Our decisions are as much as valid as any narcissist in self help industry.
We were not mindful because we had no money. We were raised in ACoA and our models were mentally ill people and narcissists. Give yourself a break. Stop symptomizing your life and believing that some white knight on white horse will come and rescue you. You probable had more strength and power than any self help author is blaming you for not having any for enduring all the crap on this planet in our lives.
Start trusting and accepting and validating your own choices and decisions. Don't depend on other people to tell you and explain you who you are and what you are suppose to do with your life. They never had burden and crap and abuse that you had to go through.
---
" If I understood Dr Rossis point correctly, anxiety being "the fever of psychiatry" refers to it being so common feeling/phenomenom along other psychiatric illnesses (bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, ADHD, you name it..) that you could almost automatically assume there must be a more serious illness present when somebody has anxiety."
:D How did you get this from his analogy of fever?
You misunderstood him. The whole basic topic is that we do not symptomize our natural reactions to abuse and unfair treatment being stuck in unfavorable power dynamics.
" So like fever is a symptom of an infection, anxiety would be a symptom of psychiatric disease X."
Nope.
Fever is symptom of external element invading us: toxic people. Narcissistic abuse. Psychopaths. Machiavellians.
What you are describing here is auto-immune disease where the body falsely recognizes own flash as enemy and starts to attack it.
There is a lot of self blame and self pathology and self flaggelation in your words. You interpret that something wrong is your fault.
"So when a doctor finds out that his/her patient has anxiety, he/she would automatically start to investigate further for the "real" psyhiatric illness behind it. "
That is why CBT must be banned. It is detrimental to anyone suffering abuse.
Listen to Glasser:
Interpersonal strife with those close to us leads to rifts and resentments that produce symptoms of mental illness; these problems are, in fact, the logical consequence of troubled relationships.
Glasser emphasizes that lasting psychological problems are usually caused by problems in our personal relationships (rather than signifying a biochemical abnormality in the brain), and distress can be remedied through repairing these relationships without recourse to psych drugs.
WILLIAM GLASSER
Controlling Habits:
Blaming
Criticizing
Complaining
Nagging
Rewarding To Control
Threatening
Punishing
William Glasser
William Glasser "What's my Choice" Connecting Habits:
Listening
Supporting
Encouraging
Negotiating
Respecting
Accepting
Trusting
"it is justified that anxiety disorders are their own category in psychiatric diagnostic system. "
This is ableism and Neurotypical disaster that mental health industry is doing to everyone. Once you label something anything as disorder you will start to behave like disorder, self fulfilling prophecy. The word itself is stigma and unfair judgement.
Learn more about Rosenham Experiment.
Or Martha Mitchel Effect - where political enemies pathologized and weaponized psychiatry to silence their target. Please don't get me into psychiatry during Nazi Germany how it was mis-used.
"PTSD "
Complex trauma is not PTSD. These are two separate different concept.
And PTSD nor Complex PTSD are not diseases.
If you are not serial killer, if you are not anti-social, if you have no ill will, if you do not carry any hidden agenda to harm and cause pain to anyone - there is no disease, no psychiatric disease.
Please learn more about anti-psychiatry, you are brainwashed into CBT madness and pathologizing anything that moves.
---
It is clear: we get fever when we get virus.
Virus is external element. It is not part of us. We did not infect ourselves.
The virus is foreign element - external factor.
Obviously this is extremely hard and difficult message for you - due to Operand Conditioning in ACoA and ACE where we are repeatedly told that we are responsible for anything that goes wrong and that we must be perfect and without mistakes and that it is our duty to fix other people and that other people must explain reality to us and command us like zombie - since we are inept to run our own life. That is abuse, that is result of narcissistic abuse, it is toxic shame and it is big lie.
If you are not murderer -there is nothing wrong with you being flawed and errored and with mistakes. There is nothing wrong with your brain for having neuroticism. Neuroticism is part of Big 5 personality traits. It is not sickness, it is nor abnormality, there is nothing to cure inside you.
When you feel scared and panicked - this is due to toxic people, the virus.
--
Whatever we do - narcissists will turn into drama and hysteria.
If we try to fix and try to find solution - hysteria and drama.
If we shut up - hysteria and drama.
If we self advocate - hysteria and drama.
There is nothing that we can do that will fix them and that they will become normal human beings who are able to listen to us.
They have personality disorder - they are unable to listen to others due to mental illness. It borders with schizophrenia, they live in delusional world, a fantasy world.
You need to understand this that you are dealing with severely mentally ill people here. Not normal healthy sane person.
You cannot expect that anything you do will result in normal human contact with them. Ever. They are sick and they are evil.
They are deliberately choosing drama and hysteria and abuse.
---
You can't rationalize it because it is trauma, it is Operand Conditioning, it is after-effect of exposure to long term narcissistic abuse. It is hypnosis.
---
(29.8.2023)
YT "RSD & ADHD: How do you cope? #adhdcommunity #adhd"
RSD is connected to ACoA, ACE, trauma, high moral and ethical standards, perfectionism, exposure to constant criticism and fault finding - so it is worth of investigating our self worth and self trust and belief in our common sense, instincts and any codependency issues.
---
YT "Don't let your mind trick you after a rejection!"
Hehe, Rejection is not literal rejection. It is not exclusively related to romance issues.
RSD is deep emotional reaction to criticism of any sort. It is after effect of exposure to fault finding and criticism while growing up, so now we find faults and errors painful - because as kids we tried everything to avoid errors and mistakes.
So now as adult when someone is complaining - it is painful because we tried everything humanly possible to satisfy everyone and do the correct thing with resources we have - and people still complain about something we did wrong.
I believe as more as we understand RSD - why it happens, how it is activated - and that we understand that no matter how perfect we are - there will always be some insecure narcissists perfectionists who will find faults and complain about it -
so that we learn to trust our brain ability to resolve issues in life - and really do not go overboard and expect magic and fantasy - our brain, our resources, our money is limited - which makes space for errors and mistakes in life. It is really not our fault if we done everything we can to be perfect and without mistakes, when mistake and error happen.
---
YT "What is an Anxiety or Panic Attack"
If we are in toxic ambient, in narcissistic abuse - anxiety is clear message to not trying to be successful and leave.
---
YT "Fear Of Panic Attacks Forever. #ocdrecovery #anxietyawareness"
I would add that "changing our beliefs" does not mean destroying our self worth and enabling abusers. IT does not mean gaslighting ourselves and making ourselves believe we are safe in unsafe ambient.
It means trusting our emotions and feelings and taking care of them and listening to them, like little children crying and hurting - with compassion not dissociation nor invalidation of their reactions.
---
YT "How to Stop 🛑 a Panic Attack #panicattack #anxietytips #selfhelp #ptsd #mentalhealth #trauma"
So.. if we are in toxic contact with person who is covert vulnerable narcissists - it is best to ignore the abuse and gaslight ourselves into being calm and not doing anything to break the toxic contact?
---
I am not sure that this is healthy.
If we ignore alarm system - we will enable abusers to keep in abusing us. We will stay in codependence, Karpman Drama Triangle.
We will never break toxic contact.
Staying in narcissistic abuse causes brain injury - google it.
It really does not make sense that we self blame and self pathologize and self symptomize ourselves - while we are being in toxic ambient and around toxic people who are causing and triggering our panic.
---
YT "Understanding panic attacks: what factors contribute to their occurrence?"
"but when people have recurring panic attacks WITHOUT CLEAR TRIGGERS, and come to have fear of having more unexpected attacks they may be diagnosed with panic disorder"
This explains why Mayo Clinic describes panic as a hallucination.
I wonder - what is called when panic is caused by clear trigger?
Like narcissistic abuse,
operand conditioning,
ACoA, ACE, trauma?
What is called then? What is that?
And why socially anxious are always diagnosed as hallucination - and never actually listened to about toxic ambient, living in shame culture country, mobbing, abuse experience in their life that is causing social anxiety?
Also what I do not like about CBT and DSM is Attribution Theory where psychiatry takes only character trait in consideration - without looking at situation and ambient around the person, like socio-economic status or abusive people around them. And even looking at character trait - it is rarely that Big 5 Personality trait of neuroticism is explained to anyone seeking help regarding panic issues.
Neuroticism is personality trait, it is not sickness nor abnormality to cure. Without it we would be anti-social and without empathy and do criminal acts of all sorts - since there would be no inner ability to detect something is wrong.
---
"With a narcissist it’s often helpful to cut ties and go no contact"
Yes, definitely this is Achilles foot in your reasoning. You are not trauma informed about narcissistic abuse - this is area where you will need to get more education about.
Most people do not realize that there is narc abuse - narcissists are actors and they pretend, fake pretend. You end up believing there is something wrong with you.
Secondly, most people who are prone to attract narcissists have been through ACoA operand conditioning as kids.
This means - they are codependent and have toxic shame, they believe they are inept to take care of their life - and that they must listen and obey and fix anyone who is angry and who appears "strong" and "competent" and "confident".
This is unknown area to you, so you do not understand who can this apply to your video - education about narc abuse is definitely what you lack here.
There are wonderful resources about understanding narc abuse on you tube - Doctor Ramani is the best resource.
She explains why people "choose" to stay in narc contact.
It is really not a choice - since there is Coercive control, manipulation, pathological lying and of course emotional abuse - toxic shaming 24/7.
---
(30.8.2023)
"I have social anxiety.
I have a lot of anger."
If you have anger and if you are aware of anger (you can, you are able to label emotion of anger) than it means you do not have social anxiety at all.
Most probably it is borderliner issue.
Social anxiety by official definition means fear, apprehension, submission, passivity, immobility in the presence of people.
When you have anger - you have succeeded to move past, move beyond this inferiority and immobility.
This is why it is important to learn about social anxiety from more resources - not only you tube videos. You get the wrong explanations - which you tend to believe are real - and then this leads to domino effect of delusions and self fulfilling prophecy - in short - you become a puppet on a string, zombie - remote control to narcissists.
Borderliners are depended on other people to explain them reality and they base their world on other people which leads to anger, similar to narcissistic discard phase.
The point of healing is to realize your own self worth and own power, so that you no longer depend on other people to approve nor validate you. Which makes you angry when they don't.
---
YT "Courage in the face of FEAR😨 #mentalhealth #success #motivation"
When we tell our brain that there is a courage as concept - it will not become courageous, it will become panicked.
This is why self affirmation techniques are not negative.
Instead of courage concept, which is usual for neurotypical points of view, I would rather explain it as regulation and Ventral Vagal, psychological safety. It is less threatening and less hysterical sounding.
---
"Don’t you need to get out of your comfort zone to become less afraid? "
Great observation!
This is the central problem.
WE are brainwashed by toxic society to believe that we are afraid.
We are hypnotized into believing that our emotions are fear. We're not.
What we feel is actually dysregulation, panic, anxiety, detailed stimuli processing. We just might be neurodivergent, our brain might be on spectrum of Autism and ADHD (free tests are available online) - and we just might be HSP (highly sensitive).
Elaine Aron in her book HSP repeatedly is telling the same message: that we interpret our stimuli processing as neutral. Not at people will label us and stigmatize us and project their insecurities onto us when we are dysregulated.
When we believe other people explanations and labels and descriptions of our own emotions -- so if we start to believe that deep emotions and feelings that we feel are fear and being afraid - we will start to act from the place of narcissism, we will start to build fake image, fake persona who must appear strong and macho and not coward in the eyes of other people. Now we will develop social anxiety issues. More of anxiety more of panic - and fear will become self fulfilling prophecy - based on someone's wrong labels which are not true at all.
When you start to believe that you are "afraid" instead of being aroused - you will make decisions which come from the place of fear - because you were gaslighted into fear. This is how narcissistic abuse is working - narcissists brainwash you and gaslight you to doubt your brain, to doubt your emotions, to doubt your emotions - by labeling them as sissy, feminine, something that is shameful, something that you must invest time and focus to solve and resolve - and you become zombie, puppet on a string - by trying not to be afraid.
This is how cult of internet stoicism and toxic masculinity is working - it make you believe that you must go outside of your comfort zone - it is instructing you to believe you are worthless as person as you are right now, and you must invest money, time, focus in some cult that will magically guide you to a promise land. Which ends up as being trapped as slave to psychopaths and Machiavellians, exploiting you and your needs which are unmet.
Instead of courageousness and not being afraid - we will only end up codependent and scared all the time, hypervigilant, we will live in survival mode all the time.
When we depend on other people to explain us our own emotions - this is coercive control, this is manipulation ,- other people control us.
We need to develop strong sense of self worth - that we trust our own emotions and that we educate ourselves in psychology enough so that other people do not exploit our lack of knowledge for their own agenda to exploit us.
Big red flag is when someone is highlighting your mistakes, errors. And never tell you to trust your own brain, your own intuition, experience, common sense.
Normal and healthy people will encourage you to validate your own intelligence and ability to trust yourself enough to listen to others but without being their slave.
---
YT "No one’s mad at you #youtubeshorts #cptsd #anxiety #nervoussystem #stress #fightflightfreeze
"
This is great problem with CBT.
If we go along with CBT ideology of Moral Relativism - we will end up doubting our own brain, our own ability to conclude, our ability to process reality -
and instead of relying on our own capacity to live our own life - we will become people pleaser, pushover and codependent. CBT will make us borderline, to depend on other people to confirm our reality.
CBT ought to be banned, it is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone who was abused.
---
"Should a healthy emotional person just hear what their partner says and brush it off? Or is it okay to hold them
Accountable?"
There is no answer to this question.
Psychology cannot answer this. CBT never questions the narcissists but gaslight the victims of narcissistic abuse, when they seek help for their social anxiety issues and similar symptoms of narcissistic abuse.
That is because - any advice to tell you how to handle difficult person - is coercive control, narcissism itself + all situations are complex - they can be falsely explained, each situation needs to go through court trial - which is impossible to do with person who is pathological liar and lives in delusional fantasy world which appears as reality to them.
Sam Vaknin says that the best way to deal with narc is to leave them. Which we all know - however in real life - we don't have money to leave, we don't have shelter, there is a third party (babies/older immobile sick people), there is bureaucracy, there is shame culture country ambient which means everyone is narcissistic aka nowhere to run, and there is an issue with oppression - which psychology especially CBT never tackle into since it would backstab corrupt profit agenda corporations which make money on keeping trauma alive.
So the only answer is what Lisa is talking in her video here -
that we rely on our brain capacity to make decisions - and to rely on our own self worth and stand by our decisions - even if they might end up being wrong or errored or not perfect.
---
"afraid of the uncontrollable situation that will occur after the communication"
This is overgeneralization.
Official definition of social anxiety exists and it is defined exactly as the reason to avoid over-generalizations and over-lapping.
By definition social anxiety is fear of judgement and negative evaluation. The definition is quite clear and concise.
Also,
I am not sure that sticking quick labels as "disease" on anything that is different than neurotypical explanation of reality is really helpful. In fact, narcissists love to gaslight and to put down others in order to feel superior to others.
---
31.8.2023
YT "Think Better Thursday - Regulating Emotions #mindset#parkerhousemedia#emotions#selflove#selfmastery"
You got it all wrong.
Symptoms are not there to kick them. They are alarm system - telling you that something is off chart. Imagine you are pilot in some small airplane- the lamps on main board will light up red with danger signal - when something is wrong. Low fuel. Off balance. Bad weather. It would be wrong to ignore these signs just because you want to feel happy and pleasant all the time in life.
External world is not something that collude with our expectations. Narcissists think that the external world must obey to their fantasy, that is mental illness.
We cannot control external events, other people - and especially we cannot control outer world with our thoughts. If we believe that we can magically control life with our happy cheerful thoughts - we will end up with OCD - trying to control outer events with our made up rituals in our heads. That leads to PureOCD. Not to mention schizophrenia - and constant living in hypervigilance, since you will be in survival mode all the time, for the fear of bad things might happening at any moment, which you must combat with Trump walls against enemies in your head.
Building walls leads to anxious attachment style. By trying to he happy and healthy all the time - paradoxically we will become extremely unhappy and unhealthy all the time.
--
YT "The Four Sabotages, Part Three: The Wrong Tools = You Thinking You're A Failure"
Totally relate with wrong CBT approaches - such as reframing, exposure - this backfired for me too. I ended up with more anxiety, more rumination - since it made me believe I am abnormal for having reactions to abusive people. A lot of toxic guilt and toxic shame and self blame produced as after effect. CBT's message is that we are hallucinating the abuse, basically that toxic people do not exist. While on some spiritual level and sociology level toxic people really do not exist, however that ideology and dogma does not help much when someone is pathological liar to us 24/7, when they use microaggression, put downs, violence to hurt us for us being honest and authentic, and when someone project their unresolved issues, and when someone does criminal acts and then place you to cover up for them or pretend they never did anything criminal.. so..
The problem is - that Moral Relativism of CBT leads to enabling tyrants. CBT never explained trauma at all - and explained trauma responses as sickness and personality flaw.
---
If you start to pathologize your natural reactions to trauma, stress, toxic people (for example you tell yourself, explain yourself that you ruminate) - this will not help you.
In fact, now you will be convinced that there is something horrible wrong with you, and this will add to new layers of stress and self blame and toxic shame.
What I discovered with overthinking is very revealing information:
1) it is not over thinking. IT is intelligence.
2) It is not rumination, it is being highly sensitive to stimuli
3) it is a protective mechanism - it tells us how to avoid danger. It is helping us to create safety
4) it is an alarm - telling us who is toxic and that we need to act about making ourselves to feel safe - by cutting contact, by avoiding toxicity, by protest, by plaining exit strategy
5) it is neurodiversity - our brain is working differently than neurotypicals - we tend to see more dimensions and more angles, and this appears as rumination to third party, someone who is neurotypical. Then neurotypical will try to cure us by symptomizing our natural brain works and labeling it and stigmatizing - since neurotypicals do not like to think or solve anything in life - they rely on ocean waves to throw their motorless boat around and they don't care where they land.
Something to think about. To validate ourselves, instead of symptomizing ourselves into depression and fear and panic.
---
1.9.2023
YT "Why This MALIGNANT NARCISSIST TRAIT Can Fool SCAPEGOAT SURVIVORS #empath #narcissisticabuse"
Mimicking, I call it mimicking, imitating normal and healthy and sane person.
This is what I discovered with social anxiety. A lot of narcissists hidden in social anxiety forums who give advice to socially anxious only to gaslight victims of mobbing into self blame. As said in video, malignant narcissists will infiltrate among us, they will appear as one of us, sensitive, empath, target of abuse - only to start manipulation and control as time goes by, demanding, put downs, criticizing, ordering how to think, mocking our past experiences mixed with love bombing phases to keep us gaslighted and then keep us in a state of self blame.
---
"My social anxiety came through doubt and believing negative things about myself, my thoughts."
This negative doubt does not come on its own.
It is not like we wake up one day and decide to start doubting ourselves and think negatively about our traits and about who we are.
This is really process of Operand Conditioning - it is programming, it is hypnosis.
And - most importantly - it is a sign of our boundaries being crossed.
Someone implanted these ideas into us, without us being aware of it. This happens due to exposure to malignant narcissist.
I like this quote:
Narcissist Personality Disorder
One of the few conditions where the patient is left alone and everyone else is treated.
(PierceTheDarkness)
What narcissists do the first is to gaslight us - we start to doubt ourselves. We start to think we are inept, we really believe in that. We have evidence to prove it. And we have no idea what is happening. We have no idea that there is One-up-man-ship going on. We do not notice that this is ongoing Microaggression .
We do not notice it because we have high moral and ethical standards - which are now used against ourselves. It means we will first blame ourselves and shut up and never doubt the other people - which is healthy. Without this ability we would have personality disorder.
The problem is when someone is criticizing and nitpicking and constantly find faults - we will start to think negatively about ourselves, we will internalize someone who is putting us down and we will believe we deserve it due to our errors, imperfections and faults.
The reality is - that all people are imperfect and everyone is making mistakes all the time.
Narcissists feel the need to be grand and to be correct and they project their flaws onto the others as the best way to meet this mentally ill goal and agenda to be superior to others.
Also - we did not acquire this mentality of self blame due to one or two toxic person in our adult life.
We were groomed to think this way due to ACoA and ACE -
dysfunctional homes does not mean physical abuse or horrible stories of incest.
Dysfunctional home is also when we are in toxic ambient of perfectionism and not allowing our needs nor emotions to be expressed.
---
Quick labels by other do so much damage - we start to stigmatize ourselves when others quickly diagnose and symptomize our natural and normal reactions to malignant narcissists.
---
I agree.
I learned about this concept "mimicking" half a year ago and it was mind blowing.
I don't believe anyone who is sensitive , empath, would ever come up with this concept - this is so sick and foreign and abnormal - that we will never ever come up with this concept - which makes us susceptible to toxic people to exploit us.
Only education and learning about narcissists, psychopaths and their techniques can make us aware what is going on.
In real life - without education, without proper label, naming, knowing what is going on - we will tend to self blame. We will hardly ever accuse the other person - especially if they are crafty as pathological liars that they are pathological liars. We will instead self flaggelate and self blame and carry so much toxic shame and toxic guilt with us like Sisyphus - which does is not ours at all to carry.
---
(3.9.2023)
"Exposure therapy absolutely has a proven efficacy rate for treating phobias (including social phobia). You can check the scientific literature online"
It is not science at all. It is paid research by pharma and interpreted by dogma as any research.
In real life - exposure leads to anxiety being Masked and Functional - yet trauma is still there. Real issue will be buried under suppression and dissociation - which leads to mental illness.
Michael Jackson had a severe social anxiety - yet his was Functional. He performed since childhood, he made live concerts for billions of people without problem, he made movies and videos and went to award ceremonies and talk shows. Yet his unhealed and unprocessed trauma ended in tragedy for him.
Person with social anxiety that exposes - will not become free of toxic shame and ACoA programming - in fact, exposing will end as people pleasing and fawning, trauma response and trauma bonding, codependency and being taken advantage of.
---
(4.9.2023)
YT "If I Had SOCIAL ANXIETY, I'd Do This First..."
Public speaking is not social anxiety - it is a separate anxiety - check it on wikipedia.
The public speaking is not the same dynamics as real social anxiety: mobbing at job, difficult narcissistic family members, neighbors in tight knit community/complex, bullying at institutions, narcissistic abuse in general.
Fake persona is social Jung mask - it is not sickness, we all do it. Without it we would be like Diogenes: we would smell bed, we would walk around throwing up, urinating on people, poop in public - since there would be no shame mechanism inside to stop us from behaving like an animal.
When we destroy social anxiety we become serial killer mentality - Trump, Putin, jerk, a$$hole, criminal.
Social anxiety is not sickness - it allows us to curb our enthusiasm and think about other people and how we interact with them with care and love - and empathy.
Social anxiety stems from ACE, ACoA experience - where our self worth is destroyed by Operant Conditioning: exposure to relentless criticism 24/7. This is programming, this is hypnosis - operant conditioning must go through the phase called Extinction - where our self worth will not be dismissed as worthless due to programmed perfectionism.
---
Stage is small incident, something that we won't experience much in life.
Real problem are narcissistic abusive toxic predators - which Julien does not mention at all, you know -real life.
He does not mention ACoA at all, he does not mention socio-economic aspect at all - lack of money. That contributes to anxiety issues, too.
What he is teaching is Fight Response. We can respond to trauma in 4F: Fight- Flight - Freeze or Fawn.
Neither of these responses are "better" nor healing - they are trauma responses.
IF our personality is agreeableness - and if we decide to hate it and scapegoat it for being abused by someone that causes panic emotions - we will develop personality disorder if we decide to suppress agreeableness.
Agreeableness is Big 5 persona, personality - it is not sickness nor abnormality. The true problem are toxic predators, abusers - not our reactions to sick and evil people who choose to harm others.
--
Anxiety is not abnormality nor sickness to destroy.
Without it we will become codependent and never leave narcissistic abuse, drama.
---
Social anxiety has nothing to do with "bravery" or being "weak" or not being "strong".
That is neurotypical false explanations of trauma.
We are not our feelings. If we feel scared and panicked - this does not mean who we are as person and what are our traits.
When we decide to fuse our emotions with our worth it is called Emotional Fusion - and it leads to mental illness.
Our emotions will become our masters - and we will be at the mercy of our emotions and feelings to feel good or bad about ourselves, about who we are as person at the core. Then toxic shame has reign of tyranny over us - it simply releases inner critic and we will be neurotic all life about anything in life.
All social anxiety issues stem from ACoA - it is complex trauma - we were programmed into self hatred and toxic shame. Our emotions are not problem, our triggers are not problem - we are suppose to have trauma when we experience abuse and Coercive control. True problem are narcissists and predators and abusers - not our emotions nor our reactions to toxic people who choose to be evil.
---
"Social anxiety absolutely derives from the fear of being scrutinized and judged by others"
No.
That is false explanation by CBT and DSM which is doing so much incredible psychological damage to anyone who has been traumatized.
Social anxiety derives from the expression of our OWN scrutiny and judgment towards others.
CBT's explanation sets us up for victim mentality and it places us in prison of our own mind, where we are inferior all the time and where we must perform circus tricks (exposure) in order to prove our worth to ourselves.
On the other hand - when we realize that toxic society is giving us false and wrong explanations about social anxiety - and that social anxiety stems from ACoA and narcissistic abuse - this places us in better position to take charge of our own life - instead of being in CBT's victim mentality.
---
We did not become socially anxious due to toxic teachers. They added the fuel into fire - but the true cause is narcissistic abuse at the home, called and known in psychology as ACoA and ACE.
---
" being fake and hiding our authenticity is a sad and painful trap that i think a lot of us fall into "
In toxic world, when you are truly authentic, toxic people will destroy you. Because they are fake and they cannot handle the truth nor reality.
So being authentic will lead to social anxiety.
People will attack you for being independent and non conformist.
---
He is teaching us to become narcissistic, to become jerk and insensitive.
That is great if someone is really jerk - but it won't work with HSPs empaths - anyone with social anxiety - because we have high moral and ethical standards. When we suppress who we truly are - we will develop personality disorder and more of anxiety.
When we really accept our high moral and ethical standards - we will put a price tag on ourselves and start to cut off toxic people and narcissists who parasite on our Negative politeness - as Negative politeness is one of facets of high moral and ethical standards.
Negative politeness is trying not to harm and hurt anyone with our actions nor our words to such extent that we put our own needs and interests aside - and this attracts narcissistic predators to exploit us and our high standards of not harming other people.
---
"keeping your true self hidden and trying to act cool, you actually make things worse"
That is called Masking.
it is absolutely devastating for anyone with Neurodivergent mind, like spectrum on Autism and ADHD where natural brain activities are symptomized, mocked, pathologized and bullied into hiding. Then parts of our personality become suppressed - and this leads to mental illness.
---
" she's never seen someone heal from anxious attachment so quickly"
Perhaps because she is unexperienced newbie -- or because she is really a bad therapist?
---
" I feel like sometimes people expect fast responses and I need time to parse my thoughts and how I feel about things. So I'll kind of freeze up and say nothing, getting anxious at the same time."
That is because they are Neurotypical - their brain is not much deep, it runs on surface level as most of people. They are dumb.
Neurodivergent, HSP mind takes time to process information. That is not sickness. Without ability to process information we would make irrational hysterical bad decisions in life.
---
Screaming at other people is not authentic - it is personality disorder.
---
" surprised me for their solid psychological foundation"
He uses 10% of psychology.
The quickest way to destroy social anxiety is to become narcissists - hysterical screaming person who is made to believe in his own grandiosity and superiority over others. This is personality disorder and it leads to abuse and crime.
Social anxiety is not sickness - it is alarm system that we are detecting toxic and fake people.
---
Moral relativism leads for narcissists to become leaders, tyrannic. Like Putin or Trump being in charge - since nobody would care about ego.
Any rigid mindset is sickness. It leads to anxious avoidant attachment style - and it is learned in ACoA abusive ambient - where there is black and white thinking. If something is black , you simply replace it with white. In real life - binary thinking leads to bad and catastrophic decisions in life. We live in fuzzy logic, everything is in spectrum. Everything in life is not rigid - it is in the state of flow, it asks for us love and care and protection, not cold narcissistic hysterical fake mask which Julien is programming you to believe in.
---
" about my defect"
Socially anxious is not a defect.
If you allow your toxic shame to self label it will turn into self prophecy.
If you are not serial killer - if you have no hidden agenda to harm other people, if you are not anti-social - there is no defect inside you.
---
If you follow Julien advice - you are seeing others as superior and yourself as inferior. When we put others as a measure about our worth - that we must scream and be narcissistic - we are placing other people as our measure - we will become depended on other people's reaction and approval and validation.
--
"Awesome to see all the nuances in conditioning. Really helps to see what I need to work on as well.
"
That is the core problem - there is nothing to work on at all.
You are not sick. You are not abnormal. You are not defect.
Think more of it like skinning of onion layers to come to the core.
If you believe you must improve and become fake and "strong" - this leads to fake persona, narcissism.
---
"100% of people are in their own heads at the end of the day. Even if someone judges me, their judgement doesn't last more than a few minutes"
This is not true at all.
Narcissists think all the time - they are predators.
They abuse others and think how to be evil to others.
Socially anxious empaths and HSPs will attract narcissists. So yeah - other people are toxic and evil -
there is nothing sick inside your brain that must demand brainwashing and convincing yourself that your alarm signals are malfunctioning. Lobotomy is not necessary - you will only develop toxic shame when you suppress your natural instincts and common sense and gut feelings.
There are toxic and evil people out there -and we have ability to sense and detect them due to exposure to ACoA in childhood - which gave us ability to detect toxic people quickly, hence social anxiety.
---
"My issue is returning to my loud expressive self, and being seen as obnoxious and annoying. I feel like i'm just being an asshole when I let go, say what I want to say and speak up, and people would rather I just stfu"
Most people are fake and narcissistic - since they applied techniques suggested by Julien. That is why they see you as obnoxious and annoying - they don't like mirroring - they don't like to see their true face. They would rather stay in narcissistic fantasy of grandiosity. So when you are authentic - fake people will hate it. Since they hate their true self. Problem are toxic evil narcissists - not you. Not your truth.
---
He is simply teaching you to become narcissistic and hysterical Karen. That is the quickest way to destroy empathy and high moral and ethical standards.
The problem is that narcissism leads to abuse and crime.
---
He is not authentic at all. He is insensitive. Big difference.
Authentic person would be vulnerable and accept what herd mentality labels as "shyness".
He is afraid of being shy and vulnerable and weak - so he builds fake mask of narcissism and superiority - which is not authentic at all - it is rigid mindset. Any rigid thinking is polarizing and it leads to mental illness - and it destroys contact with other people.
---
Nope. Social anxiety does not limit you to be free and happy. Trauma does.
Social anxiety is simply alarm.
Like if you burn your hand on fire. The burning sensation is not making you unfree and unhappy - it is the fire and inability to see fire that is causing your panic and uncomfortable feelings of being burnt.
The fire are toxic people, narcissists, screaming Karens, insensitive jerks who pretend to be confident and superior to others - that is what is limiting you to be free and happy - you are not listening to your social anxiety telling you the important message : to cut off toxic people.
---
Yet in the same time Sweden is prosperous and civilized country with high moral and ethical standards.
At the Balkans there is opposite mentality - to stand out, to not care about other people, to push others and to abuse them and that other people are not worthy. Look the economy and statistics and quality of life there. It is not healthy nor sane to be narcissistic, evil predator devoid of empathy.
---
Ordering and experimenting on other people is ethically and morally wrong, it is coercive control, it is manipulation.
It is done by insecure people who are not capable of loving themselves so they make other people into project.
It is Rescuer inside Karpman Drama Triangle. Unhealthy and sick.
---
If you look through life from the prism of "bravery" - you will be obsessed with fears and anxiety and panic, and you will live in survival mode all the time - since you must be "brave". You will start to notice other people and then judge them for being "brave" or "not brave".
That is now OCD issue - since it involves obsession and rigid mindset.
When people are not "brave" - that is not because they are cowards or because they are weak.
There are billions of reasons why people do or not do something.
Polarizing thinking, judging the people from the binary mindset of being brave or not being brave is rigid mindset - and any rigid thinking leads to mental illness, paradoxically to more fears and more of feeling of not being brave.
You will simply get stuck like hamster in wheel - turning it around, hoping if you spin it enough time, you will become brave and accepted and validated by others and by yourself.
That is all toxic shame, and it stems from AcoA exposure . narcissistic abuse.
---
He is in part of group with other motivational teachers. So this is his work.
It is not groundbreaking - it is narcissism, he is teaching empaths to become Trump and hysterical Karen, Diogenes who urinates and masturbates in public. What can go wrong here?
He does not mention AcoA, abuse, trauma.
He does not mention self acceptance and validation of social anxiety - instead he scapegoats agreeableness as abnormality. If we suppress agreeableness - we will become psychopaths and criminally insane, without empathy. So what he is doing is dangerous here.
He does not mention situational variables. Nor socio-economic issues at all. So it is all very superficial.
---
Suppressing and dissociation are path to mental illness, it is not healthy to suppress your true self.
---
So.. your true self is being psychopathic and hysterical?
Being angry and dysregulated is not true self - it is mental illness, it is personality disorder.
---
When we are abused - it is natural to feel panic and fears and anxiety. Emotions are not sickness nor abnormality to destroy and pretend they don't exist.
This is why CBT and Julien narcissistic teaching is so psychologically dangerous - you end up believing that whenever someone is evil and when there is some kind of injustice which provokes adrenaline hormonal rush inside you - you interpret this as personality disorder and flaw, and that you always must be "strong" and "confident" no matter what. That is not realistic.
Errors happen.
Mistakes happen.
Injustice occurs. Black swan event happen - if you decide to label your reaction to unfair events in life as your personality flaw and deep seated wrongness inside you - that is toxic shame.
Toxic shame is programmed inside us during childhood when we are disciplined by people like Julien - perfectionist narcissists who hate being vulnerable and who think that being true and authentic weak and afraid is sickness and abnormality that must be cured.
If you decide to let go of anxiety - it will never be processed. You will become stuck in trauma. You will end up with illnesses mental and physical, your immunity will go first to hell, and you will develop attachment issues - since you will judge and prejudge people whether they are "strong" or "weak".
Well flash news: psychopathic first trait is glib charm - that is how they impress other people and hook them onto their web.
---
Basically you are saying that other people provide you with emotions, that you depend on other people, that you are codependent and that your worth depends on approval and validation of other people. Which is narcissism and being borderline.
All mental illness here.
--
He is misleading you into narcissism and becoming hysterical.
Whenever we are needy and when we need help - almost always we will attract narcissists to abuse us and hook us into codependency on them, that they explain to us what is true reality, while we are gaslighted into toxic shame and self hatred.
--
" After a while it was as if this anxiety monster got bored of getting in my way and just never svoweed up anymore."
It was shyness. Shyness wear off with exposure.
Once you realize that there is no real threat around.
Social anxiety is being in mobbing situation and you can't quit job due to finances. That is social anxiety. Social anxiety is not going to some party and feeling uncomfortable there.
---
I would step away from egocentrism and realize that there are people out there - who need our health, attention and care.
When we are stuck with our head inside our butt, we don't see other people around us - we only see our behind. Narcissism is mental illness. Caring for others is not, realizing that living people are around us is not sickness. Being stuck in our ego and our well being is abnormality doomed to isolation and parasiting in society.
---
" all thoughts dissapear."
This is called Dissociation. It is mental illness.
We need all our emotions,
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness. Without all information we cannot bring the right and correct and healthy decisions in life.
---
YT "How To Work With Social Anxiety In The Moment"
"Constant analysis what they think of me"
We were not born with this -
we learn this in narcissistic abuse, ACoA. That is trauma. Rumination and worry is symptom of unhealed and unprocessed trauma.
You are correct, social anxiety is complex.
It is also related to anything in life, it is deeply psychological and philosophical issue and requires our investment to study it.
Social anxiety in its panic mode - is trauma it is alarm signal that we were abused and never processed the trauma.
Social anxiety in loneliness is toxic shame - where we don't accept our persona because we want to be perfect and strong and wealthy and without any problems in life - and we believe that being afraid is weakness and abnormality that prevent us from living good luxury life.
Social anxiety can be used as label and stigma - to describe shyness.
Social anxiety is also part of agreeableness - it is Big 5 personality trait. So destroying social anxiety leads to personality disorder.
When we are not kind and nice - we become narcissistic and hysterical Karen and paradoxically create more anxiety.
I would focus on trauma part.
ACoA means we have been through Operant Conditioning, narcissistic abuse - and social anxiety here is simply alarm and messenger to tell us that we need to learn about narcissistic abuse and how to discover fake people with fake masks, how to deal and handle difficult people without hysteria or fawning to them.
---
1) Attribution theory - he only brainwash us with our brain trait persona. He does not take into consideration the environment. that is highly dangerous
2) Telling someone what to do is Coercive control. That is morally and ethically wrong, it is manipulation
3) He does not talk about toxic shame at all
4) He does not talk about validation and selfacceptance at all - he presents social anxiety as personality flaw which must be cured. this approach leads to mental illness because you start to believe that your brain is abnormal for reacting to toxic people and abuse. Which is totally normal and natural thing.
5) Toxic people and evil people cause social anxiety. Not our reaction to them.
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety because anxiety stems from the social element, external factor. It is not called self anxiety.
---
It is wrong, he is teaching people how to become narcissist.
Being agreeable is not sickness not abnormality. Agreeableness is Big 5 personality trait.
If we decide to destroy and suppress our character trait - we will develop personality disorder, we will end up with mental illness and more of anxiety.
Not being agreeable leads to narcissism.
Narcissists parasite on kind and nice empathic people - because they are the only one who will stand with them, everyone else will run away from abusive and obnoxious selfish person who is self involved all the time.
---
"however you want to label it."
Labeling leads to stigma.
Wrong label leads to misdiagnosis.
Misdiagnosis leads to making wrong decisions which may be harmful.
"my therapist thought of it as a kind of anxiety"
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
If you sit down with people and have an honest conversation about their emotional lives most people will report some difficulty.
It's only in the modern mental health system where this can turn into mental illness & easily into a drug prescription.
It's a scam.
" to overcome the uncomfortable feeling by noticing the physical symptoms and paying attention to them."
This is called Dissociation and it is mental illness.
You suppress your natural reaction to toxic people and abusers and you believe you are abnormal for having reactions to evil people. This leads to toxic shame - where you believe you are responsible for evil people being evil.
When you suppress reactions to evil people - you enable evil people - because you never react to them. This way you are enabler of evil.
Emotions are normal - it is abnormal to suppress and deny emotions.
Emotions tell you where is psychological safety and where is the danger.
The level of psychopaths and abusers and narcissists and mentally ill evil sociopaths like Trump and Putin becoming presidents and narcissistic predators in managerial positions - happen because people like you are brainwashed with CBT to self blame whenever you feel reaction to evil people.
This moral relativism is enabling tyranny.
And once evil people are in authority - they will corrupt society into pathocracy - and it means there will be no well being for anyone, only for predators.
And this leaves you only to suppress and suppress emotions which you end up blaming yourself for feeling them.
When you suppress your emotions - you do not process them.
When emotions are not processed that is trauma.
Trauma leads to stress.
Stress leads to diseases - physical and psychological illness. Immunity is gone first.
---
YT "The SECRET to SOCIAL ANXIETY 😟 💔🐂 #fyp #mentalhealth #viral #funny"
People with social anxiety are already selfless.
Narcissists who mimic social anxiety are not and this is a huge discovery for them. Of course, borderliners and narcissists will use selfless as paying account - to charge the victim of their abuse later on.
---
If your confidence is based on suppressing parts of yourself, that is narcissism - it is build on fake self image of superiority and grandiosity.
Having anxiety is not character flaw, it is not something to lock away or sweep under the rug and be ashamed about.
When we have shame about who we are - that is called toxic shame. And as long as there is toxic shame inside - any "confidence" is actually narcissism - fake fantasy snapshot of reality that appears ideal to attain. Personality disorder.
---
YT "Social anxiety doesn't exist on when you're on retention 😂🗣️ 💯🙏"
Being obsessed with talking is not social anxiety issue. That is neurotypical mentality.
Social anxiety is being stuck in mobbing job without ability to quit due to finances. That is social anxiety - being trapped in narcissistic abuse without exit ability.
When you don't look in other people eye because of shame - that is called Toxic shame. That is trauma. That is operant conditioning from ACoA ACE childhood (being exposed to relentless criticism).
So you mix up confidence with social anxiety.
Social anxiety by definition is fear of criticism and negative evaluation. It is fear of expressing our own judgement and criticism, out of fear of punishment like being fired from job or being thrown out into homelessness without shelter.
Neurotypicals are obsessed with talking and other people and to appear "strong" and "confidence" and "masculine" and that other people validate and approve you.
The problem is that people who exhibit social anxiety issues are Neurodivergents - and neurodivergence is thinking and behaving in different manner than conformism and groupthink and herd mentality which is neurotypical mindset.
You will get job when you are heterosexual male. This has nothing to do with social anxiety. It is your white penis that is opening doors to better job. With white str8 pee pee - you will get better job, higher pay and you will experience less mobbing at work - just because you are born into entitlement and privilege of having white scrotum between your legs. And due to egocentrism it will never occur to you that you have privilege - and you will be so convinced in a fantasy which appears as reality to you that it is your charmisma and vibe and "communication skills" that is opening the doors in your life.
Nope, it is you being born to have white skin erection on vagina. That is secret to your lack of social anxiety. Privilege and entitlement.
Nothing else.
Similar to Jane Eliot exercise from 1968 Brown Eye Blue Eye exercise.
--
YT "tips to overcome phone call anxiety"
This does not work in real life - since anxiety stems from toxic people and we cannot control evil predators and mentally ill people who abuse others.
---
YT "Get Over Your Social Anxiety."
Being shy is not the same as social anxiety.
Social anxiety is being stuck in toxic job with mobbing without ability to quit due to finances.
When you label anyone as loser that is toxic shame. Toxic shame stems from abuse and trauma. The way you "get over" is not through self blame and self pathology and self flagellation.
Being obsessed with vagina has nothing to do with social anxiety. You are simply horny and annoying and obnoxious and you are afraid of being labeled as "loser" - so there is a lot of narcissism and mental illness which will end up as abuse and crime later on in your parasitical life where you do "whatever you want".
Parasitical - because you will attract only empathic and socially anxious girls to abuse - and only silent types will shut up to your abuse and put up with it.
--
Also, when we have struggles with toxic shame - we will tend to end up with taking advice from narcissistic and criminally insane people.
It is Mathew effect - when we are down, we will be beaten up more and more.
This toxic shame stems from ACoA. We were in toxic ambient while growing up - someone like this dude in this video - narcissistic parents who are dysregulated and who only see their orgasm in life as only thing worth living for. So child emotions and growth was not important to narcissists. Then you end up with toxic shame - due to this toxic ambient and toxic selfish garbage of people, criminal scum and parasites.
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YT "Anyone ever told you to "snap out of it [anxiety]" #anxiety #mentalhealth"
Neuroticism is Big 5 Personality trait. IT is not sickness not abnormality to destroy. If we do, we will develop personality disorder - since we stifle our basic persona.
Neuroticism has its purpose.
Sure, it is annoying - but so traffic signs are annoying - yet they save lives.
Teachers are super annoying - but they provide us with information we will use later on in life.
Everything in life that is constricting is annoying - but we would die of cold exposure if we didn't have our clothes on during winter.
That is how neuroticism works - it's function is to protect us.
This is called Preparedness Paradox - where people have bias and judgement for being prepared but in the same time they totally lack awareness that being prepared saved their lives so many times, save them from troubles, saved them from pain, saved them from hurt, saved them from setbacks and loss.
The more we deny and ashame parts of ourselves which are annoying and irritating - like social anxiety - we are creating self hatred and toxic shame - and this will be reflected in contacts with other people too. We will tend to attract rancour people who complain and nag all the time and who are never happy and secure and easy going. So in an attempt to demolish neuroticism, we become more neurotic.
Paradox is the more we accept ourselves as we are - the more change there will be, we will loosen up the Chinese finger trap and set ourselves free from worry and rumination which keeps us safe.
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Well, he tells us that anxiety is abnormality and weakness and being sissy and cowards.
This way our reactions to abuse are gaslighted and explained as being too sensitive feminine Karen hysterical,
Then he explains that we scream and be rude and that we do not consider other people feelings - so that we throw away our empathy and high moral and ethical standards which come with social anxiety as its byproduct.
Then he tells us to build fake image of superiority where we are not allowed to be vulnerable - but in the eyes of others we must appear dominating and one-man-upship, that we must intimidate others. This fake image is the core trait of narcissism.
Our anxiety panic fear emotions are reaction to abuse and trauma. They are not our character trait. We are not neither abnormal nor sick for feeling anxiety.
Our feelings do not define who we are .
Our emotions vulnerability needs to be validated, approved and accepted.
Anything else is toxic shame and narcissism, mental illness.
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(5.9.2023)
"He is telling us to accept ourselves"
Screaming is not trait of socially anxious person. Being hysterical, abusive annoying - that is not trait persona characteristics of anyone struggling with social anxiety. So his message is to reject yourself, to invalidate who you are and to feel toxic shame for being quiet and nice and friendly and agreeable.
He tells us to reject who we are at the core of our being.
" and forget the pressures of others "
Oh really.
To forget that other people exist?
That is being anti-social.
This is black and white thinking. To presume that social anxiety is sickness and abnormality - so you "cure" this by being anti-social.
It won't work.
Socially anxious people have high moral and ethical standards - they are adults, they are the reasonable ones. They set standards. They are super-ego. The teachers, leaders who are not based on corruption. Being anti-social is being totally opposite of who they are - and nope this won't "cure" social anxiety at all.
Other people will not be glad to listen to your screaming all the time.
There are social standards and norms which allow us to communicate each other.
Nobody would like to listen to someone complaining and nagging and criticizing all the time - we need to have a doze of social anxiety to set our parameters of behavior towards other people in order to have any kind of contact, relationship, romance, job, daily activities.
I don't know why I need to explain you why being civilized is okay and not being civilized is abnormality and sickness.
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". I’ve had to learn to trust my instinct to know when something feels energetically ‘off’ "
Yep, this is extreme problem right here.
When socially anxious person starts to seek help for panic and RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria - sensitivity to criticism) - socially anxious person will not know about RSD at all - and CBT (automatic default therapy for social anxiety) will explain to socially anxious people that their "fears" are imaginary and that they are too sensitive and that they have distorted brain (cognitive distortions) which must be plucked out with micromanaging.
The whole CBT explanation is brainwashing and it leads to toxic shame - our inability to trust our own instincts and our own brain how to handle difficult people. So CBT will force us to become people pleasers, to fawn to difficult people - since CBT will explain that our reactions to abusers are hallucination and that we always must be friendly or enter into endless arguments with narcissists which CBT calls being Assertive.
Narcissists love endless arguments without resolutions and that we get worked up about narcissistic abuse that will never be solved since narcissists initiate the abuse.
Micromanaging leads to hypervigilance - it is toxic.
CBT is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone suffering with social anxiety issues - because CBT explains that the way our brain is working is abnormal and sick and must be cured or stifled down and that we must be ashamed of our sensitivity.
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", it's social anxiety "
Nope. It is trauma. It is complex Trauma.
You have not born this way that you cannot look at other people eyes.
Something traumatic happens to socially anxious person in order to develop fear of looking at other people in grocery store.
You can test this quickly: when you are 1-on-1 with someone, you do not have social anxiety at all. You can look at them. When you are in psychological safety ambient - you can look at other people.
It is trauma that is preventing you to perform socially.
Trauma and toxic shame - toxic shame stems from trauma - being exposed to constant and relentless criticism 24/7.
Human beings are born only with two fears:
fear of falling and fear of loud noises.
We are not born with fear of lookin in stranger's eyes. This is conditioned.
This is called Operant Conditioning. Skinner's box.
If you don't know why you experience fears, panic and anxiety - you will be brainwashed into explanations by CBT which are psychologically detrimental and self fulfilling prophecies.
If CBT tells you that you have disorder - you will start to behave like disorder - since this is explanation given to you by authority. This is called Martha Mitchell Effect - google it.
The more we get correct and scientific information and data - the quicker we can snap out of Operant Conditioning, stigma, labels which toxic society place on socially anxious traumatized victims of abuse (ACoA) - google this acronym.
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"Bruh, shut up, this is anxiety"
It is Complex Trauma.
It is toxic shame.
It is RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria).
It is Emotional Dysregulation.
It is Hypervigilance/hypovigilance.
It is Trauma response.
It is Trauma bonding.
It is Polyvagal Theory.
It is Neurodivergence.
It is spectrum, not binary (black and white thinking).
It is After-effect of ACoA, ACE, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, mental abuse.
It is Amygdala hijacking.
It is Triggers and Flashbacks.
Anxiety is totally normal alarm system emotion reaction - it is not sickness.
The sickness part comes from toxic people who trigger our trauma by them being evil and insensitive - who scream at us, as Julien is trying to hypnotized us into being narcissistic abuser ourselves, that we scream at other people and hence pass the generational curse trauma onto next generation.
Suppressing anxiety, stifling down emotions leads to Dissociation and mental illness - since we never learn from stress - we suppress it - and then stress will come out at cancer, illness, immunity diseases like lupus and myeloma, skin rashes, allergies.
Without feeling our emotions we will rationalize and enable toxic people to abuse us , we will become codependent - and have more anxiety - since we will never leave toxic ambient and toxic people who appear as nurture to us due to brainwashing and their Coercive control and manipulation.
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"Like on the point agreeableness"
I have my own reddit social anxiety group where I present social anxiety ideas in new light - ideas which are hidden from us by toxic neurotypical society which profits from us being a zombie, conformist.
Agreeableness is not sickness.
It is Big5 personality trait. It is even discovered in the genes (DR gene). So we are at the core born with social anxiety being nice and caring for other people, being empath. So when we attack and scapegoat our social anxiety - we are actually destroying our biology, core being who we are - and this will lead to personality disorder and physical illness since we reject who we are and we are ashamed of being who we are (HSP) - and this rejection of core self is called toxic shame.
Toxic shame leads to mental illness like narcissism and being anti-social.
The opposite of being agreeable is narcissism.
There are also Big 5 personality traits like Openness and Neuroticism.
When we are open to life and when we are curious - this is extremely healthy and stress-crasher.
So when Julien and toxic neurotypical society teaches us to scream and to reject ourselves and when we feel ashamed about who we are at the core - we will close ourselves. We will isolate ourselves from people - and we will get stuck with sick abnormal people who scream at each other all the time.
Neuroticism is like Disney animated feature movie from 2015 - where the emotion of neuroticism is hated by everyone - and everyone is annoyed by this character.
What we learn at the end of movie - is that we need this emotion. Stifling down emotions leads to mental illness.
Neuroticism keeps us safe - it is like having parent inside us - alarm system that prevents us from getting hurt or robbed. When we take off alarm system - we won't know if there is emergency at all.
We can function healthy as person who can trust in itself in its own brain and emotions -as they show up without stigma or rejection parts of ourselves.
John Bradshaw talked about this rejection of parts of our persona in his book Healing the shame that binds you.
When we decide that being socially anxious is abnormality and sickness - we will develop toxic shame and we will reject and ignore alarm systems.
This will lead us to become toxically ashamed, we will experience more of social anxiety, panic, toxic people will take advantage of our state of chaos and panic and we will become codependent and people pleaser - since we won't have ability to trust our core being - with all panic social anxiety emotions that we feel when in the presence of toxic and manipulative people with their own hidden agenda to harm and take advantage of other people.
When we feel ashamed for being silent and nice and kind - other people will control and manipulate us easily. They will simply ashame our traits, our actions, our thinking - and we will try to stop ourselves from being who we are : nice, kind, open, friendly person.
IF we are not anti-social, if we are not serial killers, if we do not have hidden agenda to harm and hurt other people - there is nothing sick nor abnormal inside us to cure nor to fix.
Our emotions of panic we feel is trauma and Operant Conditioning - programmed inside us in ACoA ACE ambient while growing up - it is unhealed and unprocessed trauma that is causing RSD which is social anxiety.
Healing trauma does not mean that we become abusers and scream at other people.
Healing trauma means Radical acceptance and validation who we are as we are, with our perks and quirks and flaws and imperfections, in totality.
We need to accept and validate ourselves - changing and being ashamed of who we are leads to toxic shame and mental illness.
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" You’re suggesting perhaps by softening that fixation one could actually find transmutation is not providing it with any more fuel. Correct me if I’m wrong. "
Yes!
What I am talking is that social anxiety itself is people pleasing. It is being pushover and to be silent.
This works great in healthy ambient, where other people are not narcissistic and they don't take advantage of our kindness.
So it is healthy that we invest our time in other people - which in toxic ambient will become codependency.
So we already have inside us ability to have empathy, to put ourselves in other people shoes, to feel their emotions.
This ability becomes / turns into social anxiety trauma when there is toxic person who is exploiting this from us.
So what I am saying - is that we become who we are, without trying to block our Agreeableness (which is Big5 personality trait). Scientists even discovered that Agreeableness is found in genes (DR) - so it is biological. IT is not sickness or abnormality to fix or cure or scapegoat.
The only problem are toxic people. Narcissists - who almost never appear as overt toxic people. Those people are easily avoidable and we will naturally cut contact with such people - and feel guilt and shame for cutting contact due to our high moral and ethical standards.
True problem is in our inability to discover covert toxic people around us. WE need to learn about narcissistic abuse, we need to learn red flags in order to protect our core being who we are inside: empaths and HSPs.
I call this putting a price tag on our social anxiety. Social anxiety is like teachers in China during China Cultural Revolution - when children decided to attack their teachers and banish them into silence and fear and submission.
That is what is happening when we experience social anxiety -
it is alarm system that we are in toxic ambient, around toxic people who oppose who we are - and they manipulate and control us into self blame , shame, toxic shame, to feel disgust about who we are.
They will label us as sissy, feminine, weak, cowards , people will abuse us and yell and scream at us - and then we feel social anxiety. WE are afraid of abuse by toxic people. Since we reject who we are at the core.
We hate ourselves for being normal, healthy , sane and friendly person - and then we turn inwards and try to fix ourselves - and we become focused on our panic emotions - without noticing other people, without living our core biological being who we were made to be - to connect with other people, to make deep friendships. Instead - we are preoccupied with our social anxiety panic and we think we are abnormal and sick for having these high moral and ethical standards.
Nope - it is not shame at all - it is highly valuable.
It means we are born leaders who are not tyrants. It means we care for society a lot - and this is where our social anxiety stems from - that we love and care for people too much that we allow toxic and corrupt people to manipulate and control us.
We need to become aware of our core worth, who we are at the core and not to be ashamed of who we are - and then build life decisions at this deep core level acceptance and validation of our social anxiety as our strength, not as some disorder that must be cured and dissociated.
Once we accept our social anxiety - we will suddenly have ability to quickly discover toxic people - and these people need to go. We need to cut contact and minimize contact with them, and never listen to their labels, sarcasm,, mocking, bullying that they try to project into us.
The panic and trauma we struggle with is called RSD Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - it is after effect of being exposed to toxic people neurotypicals who try to correct and change and control and manipulate anyone who is different.
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"Dissociation to me is simply being lost in the mental space as a means of avoiding sensations"
I watched videos by Heidi Priebe and Daniel Daniel Mackler where they describe the danger of being "zoned out" of our emotions and how dangerous it is when we suppress our negative and panic emotions.
In their own words:
When people told me “Let it go, move on”, “Don't focus on the negative” is these were people who were pretty dissociated. Really strongly disconnected from dealing with the painful things that happened to them. I had to be under the authority of people who didn't really treat me well. The way I survived was by letting it go, trying to be positive, put on a happy face, be “normal”, not talk about painful stuff, not grieve.
🟥 Daniel Mackler
Dissociation mimics enlightenment. To be dissociated, disconnected from our feelings, often in the world can come across as being very healthy. Can even come across as being wise, and mature. We think of people who aren't suffering pain, who aren't in miserable places, who aren't depressed, grieving, not crying, not angry, always in control of their emotions, but real balance only comes as the result of process.
🟥 Daniel Mackler
It is considered advantageous in society. School likes it better when children are traumatized. Other people, other adults, society can like the child better when they develop this “persona”. “This is healthy, this is better person”.
🟥Daniel Mackler
We cannot get healthy if we're unprotected on a sick environment.
If we try to be secure inside of these environments where insecure responses are actually the most adaptive. It is not random, our attachment strategies are intelligent and they have perfectly adapted us to the environments we had to navigate when we were very young. It's only when we have more choice they become maladaptive.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
We are always aware of the fact that we must keep our true Self hidden when we are around other people. Because we are governed by this feeling of being contaminated in some way. To compensate we learn to be defensive, a little bit guarded.
🟥Heidi Priebe
Healing means actually feeling the stuff underneath. John Bowlby's concept of defense exclusion; When a human psyche is unable to tolerate a certain concept, we exclude it from further processing. As if some information is poison to psyche.
🟥Heidi Priebe
If you are not feeling pain, anger and sadness while you are taking in psychological abuse or something similar – you are going to end up in those situations over and over again –because you are not logging information that your body telling
🟥Heidi Priebe
If you keep putting yourself in situations where someone is being unkind to you or emotionally harming you in some way and you're not doing anything to take yourself out of those situations, your inner child is going to get really mad at you
🟥Heidi Priebe
"If you’re intentionally doing it to avoid sensations and have an unwillingness and avoidance of feeling the body on a regular basis"
Yes.
That is how people will use mediation, and medication too.
People cannot handle panic, fears anxiety.
It is uncomfortable - and they will do anything to escape it.
This makes us trapped in panic.
From our point of view - it will appear as if we are helping ourselves with panic - when we turn our focus away from the pain.
But what is happening really - is that we miss the opportunity to learn from feedback, to learn from mistakes, to learn from stress - and then stress happens again and again - all because we never gave our brain full information. Without data, without real reality true facts and data - our brain will not be able to make correct decisions for us in life. We will start to fantasy and make fantasy escape scenarios - which will backfire in the future.
When we are in toxic ambient - we really need to learn from it -
to see and check and test whether
1) we are triggered and we label someone neutral as evil - so we actually need to befriend people who appear annoying and dangerous to us in order to build healthy ambient of trust and respect
OR
2) we really are in dangerous and toxic and sick ambient - and we need to leave and plan exit strategy.
With medication and meditation and dissociation - we never really see true reality - since we shift our focus and awareness from the matter at hand. So we will stay stuck in limbo - like Sandra Bullock movie from 2013 Gravity - where she spins in the open space and tries to grab the firm position.
With dissociation we try to find firm position in fantasy - in imaginary world and we hence dissociate from true reality.
Dissociation is great and amazing escape tool in situation where we are trapped. Like being a child in dysfunctional home. Or being born in toxic country where we cannot leave due to closed borders. Then the only way to survive is to dissociate - and this dissociation will keep us healthy and sane.
However if we live in fair society and we are not trapped in some kind of Nazi concentration prison camp - we really need to cooperate with reality - since we have free hands to create more in life than being passive observer.
"Some teachers advise for initial awakening to shut off the sense gates intentionally and only be in the consciousness space which thoughts arise from. But is that dissociating?"
When we struggle with social anxiety panic and feelings of attachment issues like not having friends or close contacts due to abuse and trauma - I think it is not helpful to awake ourselves.
There is Maslow need hierarchy. The awakening is at the top of pyramid.
We really need to be real and first work on our basic human needs - Maslow presented it in as safety, shelter and work upwards from that.
So I am not big fan of dissociation - it blocks our brain from input from all sides.
I also do not like meditation - since this can become ritual. When we have rituals as routine against anxiety- this leads to anxiety and OCD, more of fears. Jung said what we resist, persist.
Mediation is form of resistance -we resist to come to terms that our parent is mentally ill narcissist, that our friends are toxic, that we have toxic job, and we never change and we stay stuck in toxic ambient - because we refuse to open our eyes and see reality as it is.
WE cannot control other people. When people are evil - that is it. We can only leave them, we cannot control them, we cannot cure them, we cannot fix them. And we can come to this realization only when we are not dissociated from reality.
I also see dissociation as escape from our selves. When we struggle with social anxiety - it is highly likely we have been through abuse, ACoA and ACE experiences of trauma - which programmed into us core toxic belief that we are inept and worthless and that we are not capable of handling life. This will keep us trapped into being passive and immobile and be depended on toxic people - anyone who appears as "strong". We will end up not believing in our abilities and strengths - and this will keep us being stuck in fawning. So dissociation here does not help at all - since not educating ourselves we cut ourselves off from information about self validation and self acceptance.
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"You really tryna sound smart like you know"
I wasted 30 years on wrong information about social anxiety. I do not want people to waste their lives on incorrect data. I will share all information about social anxiety - and people can take it if the want. Your life, your choice.
All that I am speaking here is knowledge and experience of decades - it is tons of material from the books and my own experience. It is not about pretending to be smart - I don't even use my real name here. I have no personal interest in sharing these information which is kept hidden from us by toxic society.
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"t I give a simple answer, then build on top of it depending on the reaction I was given."
This is not social anxiety.
You are describing shyness here and neurotypical mindset: which means you are preoccupied about talking and gathering herding new shallow type friends who act like background characters to admire your grandiosity.
Social anxiety is trauma - it is fear of expressing our ideas due to exposure to narcissistic abuse over long period of time (ACoA and ACE).
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Maybe we could start to validate our emotions and feelings instead of putting ourselves down?
How about that radical revolutionary idea? Self validation. Self acceptance. Not shaming ourselves.
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", is there a reason to be nervous? "
Yes. It is RSD.
IT stems from constant correcting and telling us how we should think and behave, coercive control abuse - like Julien is doing to us in his videos. Then when we are constantly criticized and corrected and told we are abnormal and wrong and that we must micromanage our brain - then as after effect of such narc abuse, we end up with RSD:
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"helps the introverts' self esteem"
No it doesn't.
What he is teaching is Masking. Dissociation. Making anxiety Functional.
All these three concepts lead to mental illness.
With Masking - introvert is taught the lesson that their brain is abnormal and it must be hidden away from light and exposure. This leads to toxic shame. More anxiety.
Dissociation when we decide to shift focus from our natural neurodivergent brain operations into fantasy that we are screaming at others at whim. -this will end up as being anti-social and isolated from others. More anxiety.
Making anxiety Functional means becoming zombie, background character without own preferences and desires and goals in life. More anxiety. We need to have negative and difficult emotions - this tells us when someone pushes our boundaries and when we are being hurt by unfair actions of others.
Why is it so hard to validate and accept ourselves as we are?
From early age, anyone who is slightly introverted will be mocked and ashamed by society. Toxic society needs fixing - not our brain. Toxic society lacks education in diversity and acceptance of anything that appears different than the norm.
If we are not serial killers - why on earth you would decide it is healthy to nitpick and fix your brain? As if you are a mass murderer!
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"people who are aggressive, abusive, manipulative "
Who cares about them?
We are not talking here how to fix toxic people. We cannot control evil people. And we did not cause evil people to be evil.
Evil people are not our masters and we don't give a flying fly about who they are, what they want and what are they oblivious about.
What matter here, with social anxiety , is that we DO NOT SELF BLAME ourselves for being exposed to evil monsters.
And we will - we will take responsibility and feel guilt and shame for being exposed to evil people and being taken advantage by them.
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Your brain is twisting my words and this is a characteristic of a narcissistic person.
All my posts and comments here are that social anxiety is not something to get over it. But to integrate and accept social anxiety - as our trait, as our alarm system and as reaction to toxic people like you who are sarcastic, egocentric, argumentative, antagonistic and who always feel like they need to be one-man-up-ship superior to others and feel threatened when exposed as narcissist.
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"Confident people get hired because "
Because toxic society thinks that being confident means being competent.
This is what is happening in Balkan in Eastern Europe - people get hired because they are abusive and narcissistic. Then Balkan Europe is avoided by foreign investors since they know there is corruption and that they will be devoured by predators who are incompetent and basically stupid and that they must bribe the police and judge to handle the crime there.
Toxic corporations too - poisoning the planet because monsters in charge do not have empathy.
Dunning Krueger tells us that super-confident people are stupid, while those with imposter syndrome are competent.
The question is - are your life goals to work for criminals and sell yourself for few bucks more and to abuse other people?
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Any fake image is narcissism.
And narcissism is severe mental illness which ends up as crime and abuse in the end. Narcissism is light version of schizophrenia.
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" if they’re comfortable being on the spotlight or not "
Okay, but the topic here is social anxiety.
Social anxiety is not being uncomfortable in the spotlight.
Social anxiety symptoms are the same symptoms of anyone who's been raised in narcissistic abuse ambient, and this is trauma, and it needs healing - not nitpicking our brain and placing quick labels on ourselves, such as "we feel uncomfortable in spotlight"- So what. This is problem:
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Nope. You are confabulating here,
Social anxiety has clear and concise definition.
Social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative judgement. Social anxiety is not related to narcissism and wanting approval and admiration from other people.
Social anxiety is being trapped inside toxic job without ability to escape due to finances. That is social anxiety.
Being preoccupied about attractive people is more borderline issue - which is often confused with social anxiety.
Borderliners like to mimic social anxiety in order to appear vulnerable and victim in order to attract empaths to abuse later on with criticism and twisted definitions of reality and their confabulation of reality.
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"All what you said applies to attractive people with social anxiety btw"
Once again, social anxiety has clear and concise definition.
When we start to make over-generalizations and mix up other concepts with the original one - we will get into labyrinth or hamster wheel - endlessly turning without stopping it.
Social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation - look it up, check up official definitions of social anxiety.
Criticism and negative evaluation - expressing our own criticism and our own negative judgement towards someone - that is social anxiety.
Being preoccupied with being ugly and being attractive as the only thing that is supposedly important in life - is more borderline and narcissism area.
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At the end of the day - education is important,
We need to know what is truth.
With social anxiety there is a lot of false, fake and wrong information circulating around - and that will keep truly socially anxious people in prison of anxiety and fear.
Socially anxious people are afraid of talking and expressing and protesting.
Since you obviously have none of those issues- it is clear that your "social anxiety" is actually narcissistic injury, you feel uncomfortable emotions which you label as social anxiety since they appear in social contact - but in reality - they are only your fantasy delusions being broken off and that is painful to any narcissist/borderline person.
Narcissists mimic social anxiety in order to appear as victims so that they can attract quiet and friendly and nice empaths to abuse later on.
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Narcissists use psychology to weaponize and symptomize others and accuse others that they are narcissists.
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It is the fear of expressing our OWN criticism and our OWN judgement that is social anxiety. Negative politeness and toxic shame and self hatred.
Toxic shame is when we make up and put into focus some secondary issues - like you are trying to convince yourself about attractiveness.
That is simply an attempt to dissociate from trauma and true cause of social anxiety - narcissistic abuse and exposure to narcissistic abuse.
Normal and healthy and sane people do not judge others about how they look, neither they put people into levels or rank about who is better superior and who is inferior.
Narcissists do this - narcissists and borderliners are preoccupied with their looks and how other people look - seeking admiration and approval. That is obsession with looks.
That is pure narcissism. Not social anxiety.
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Narcissists live in fantasy world. We really cannot fix them - we only need to learn the basic fact that narcissists are delusional.
What they believe is their own business and it is not ours to understand their delusions - since we will start to make decisions on their own preferences and their wishes.
Not all narcissists are the same.
Some of them are not overt. Some of them are covert.
The damage they do to empaths and sensitive people is done through criticism and nagging and complaining and put downs and fault findings, similar to Juliens video here - where we are explained that our silence and fear of people is abnormality which must be cured or else we are unacceptable and disgusting.
So basically - what we need to learn is to honor and accept ourselves and all our perks and quirks - and not to shame ourselves into immobility and passivity.
When we make a big deal about what narcissists tick and how they think and what they want - we are putting their delusions as our reference point in life and they will influence our decisions in life.
Instead of this brainwashing and entraining as Vaknin calls it, we really need to develop intrinsic locus of control - where we base our decisions on our own common sense and our own moral and ethical values - which we know we have since we experience social anxiety neuroticism spectrum through fears and panic.
I really would discourage any obsession in narcissists and what they like and what they hate. This is totally irrelevant for us. Narcissists are skillful manipulators -they are crafty in hypnosis and making ourselves to doubt and to start to ruminate and worry about what they prefer in life and what they dislike. We really need to cut the cord with narcissists and allow and let them live in their own fantasies without letting it to affect our decisions and directions in life.
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YT "ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)"
These are all interchangeable:
RSD = Social anxiety = Emotional Dysregulation = Complex Trauma = Toxic shame = After-effects of ACoA & ACE = After-effects of narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, mental abuse = Hypervigilance/hypovigilance = PureOCD = Unfavorable power dynamics
I don't like the explanation of RSD being turned into hallucination and over-reaction and that other person re-assure us that we understood them wrong.
What happens when the abuse is real? When someone hates us, hates everybody - when their abuse is real?
This is not covered in CBT at all. We are all suppose to be told like little 5yo children with condescending and patronizing explanations that we over-react. That oversimplified explanation by CBT is simply not true in 90% of cases.
In majority of cases RSD is based on real abuse, unfair treatment and unfavorable power dynamics such as narcissistic abuse.
In real life people really lose their jobs just because they are different and because they are authentic and true and real and they don't put fake mask. In real life people are mobbed and really abused by others simply because they are not neurotypical.
Explanation that we internalize imaginary comments is really condescending and unfair and it is abusive. Victim shaming and victim blaming.
In real life when we ask more details by rude boss and colleagues - this is met with abuse and rancour almost always.
This happens because a lot of people are narcissistic. This means they live in delusional world where any kind of criticism hurts them - and they cure this exposure of their incompetence by being rude to people and gaslighting them that others are over-sensitive.
CBT is therapy of ableism.
I have no idea why ADHD-ers turn to CBT. This is the same as if a Jew would go into pre1945 Nazi HQ in Berlin to ask information about Human rights. CBT is based on weaponizing psychology to make pharma mafia rich. Complex Trauma is banned by CBT and DSM - because American medical corporations would not make profit if traumatized victims of abuse would actually get healed and told the truth about what has happened to them.
CBT will never validate our feelings and emotions - it will gaslight us into explanation that we are abnormal and sick for being abused, and that toxic people do not exist, that we invent them in our heads. CBT ought to be banned, it is horrible criminal therapy doing incredible psychological damage to anyone seeking genuine help relating to abuse.
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YT "Anxiety Symptoms & Panic Attacks WON’T GO AWAY Unless You Fix These 2 Things!"
"When we have anxiety , panic attacks we have a lot of irrational fears"
This statement is incorrect.
In narcissistic abuse - we will be gaslighted that we are the problem.
In toxic ambient - we will be brainwashed that we are over-sensitive.
When we choose to dismiss our natural reactions to abuse - this will end up as toxic shame : we will distrust our own brain and we will become codependent on toxic people to explain us reality.
What you talking in video is Dissociation and stifling down emotions. This leads to mental illness. IT is unhealthy.
You do not mention in this video Neurodivergence at all.
What if we have high IQ and our brain picks on danger much more detail and in much more depth than 80% of dumb shallow people neurotypicals.
What if we are HSP and we process stimuli information on much deeper level than most of people?
Masking our brain leads to personality disorder.
Making anxiety Functional leads to trauma being festered inside us.
You do not mention in this video ACoA at all.
If we are older than 17 years old - we pretty much have mental faculties to discern rational and irrational fears - and this ability grows with years and experience.
Why is it so hard to validate and self accept ourselves?
---
"You’re honestly helping so many people like me!"
He is basically teaching Dissociation, self lobotomy, suppression and self gaslighting and self brainwashing, denial and repression of emotions - all these lead to mental illness, it is extremely unhealthy.
--
Pushing through stress?
This is the same as if you tell that your ability to feel pain when you burn your hand is weakness and you must be alpha macho male who does not feel the pain -
you will lose your arm if you do not have receptors for pain.
What is wrong with you people? Did Jordan Peterson ate your brain and common sense?
---
This is panic BS.
He is instructing you to fuse emotions with your self worth. As if if you feel panic - that this is a sign of weak mind and that you must be "strong" and "confident" to will any anxiety out. This is narcissism and mental illness instruction.
If we are not serial killers - there is nothing in your brain that needs to be fixed or stronged out. You are already strong.
Bunch of crap that leads to mental illness.
---
YT "Grounding Technique! Stop PANIC Attacks #shorts #cbt
"
This does not work in real life.
IF we are abused, if we are in mobbing situation, if we are poor and need money - all this CBT is crap.
---
He literally is teaching quiet nice friendly guy to curse and yell. He is instructing him to become hysterical Karen - to repeat hysteria when dysregulated.
What is wrong with you all people?
Are you zombie?
Is your brain working at 50% level?
Do I really need to explain everything what is happening?
When someone is telling you steps how to manage life - this is coercive control and manipulation. IT is morally and ethically wrong to force other people to think and do in certain way. We all have our own brain - our own brain has enough capacity to produce solutions to any situation. We are not 5yo children that must be guided by hand and told what is norm and how we are suppose to make our life reality.
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Social anxiety is not an issue of weak will. IT is trauma unprocessed and stuck inside our body. Trauma needs healing - and the only way to heal trauma id to validate and accept ourselves. as a we are.
---
Herd mentality, conformism and groupthink sets the norms for what is cool.
---
Social anxious people are already brave. Very brave.
It is neurotypical toxic masculinity CBT false explanation that feeling anxiety and panic is sign of weakness and cowardness.
When we start to fuse our emotions with our self worth - we will develop personality disorder and narcissism - since we will try to build fake image to impress other people.
---
(6.9.2023)
" Not everyone just goes to work and comes home, with no friends. "
Socially anxious people do.
You are experiencing social anxiety symptoms but you do not have social anxiety as by its definition.
Social anxiety is isolation - due to toxic society - it is related to RSD - rejection sensitivity dysphoria.
It is being brought up in ACoA ambient.
While being in Mormon church or as Amish might be cult - it is still not narcissistic abuse as socially anxious went through.
Social anxiety is based on being exposed as children to constant criticism about who we are at the core. Our emotions were stifled down and mocked and punished all the time.
Everything wrong that happened - it was our fault by default. That is social anxiety.
So socially anxious person with ambient of alcoholic mentally ill narcissist will live in isolation as adult - since attachment styles will be damaged -
there will be a lot of self flagellation and self blame - which you do not have with being raised in North Korea religious camp type of ambient.
I am not saying that your trauma is worthless nor I am saying that your experiences are invalid - they are simply different from true social anxiety.
Socially anxious will shut up and self censor. They will fawn and they will never protest. And they will be isolated even when in group of known persons around them it is chronic isolation and loneliness - which you obviously deny to experience and feel - because technically and medically speaking - your issues are not social anxiety at all.
Misdiagnosis is common with social anxiety because it overlaps with any disorder in society - such as living with cult that you have experienced unfortunately.
The problem is when people like you start to diagnose yourself with social anxiety - and since you do not have real social anxiety you talk a lot and you spread mis-information and you force your own definitions of social anxiety - which are extremely confusing and misleading to anyone with social anxiety.
That is how Julien type of videos end up being damaging too - because people like you who mislabel themselves with social anxiety spread the false "cure" and false information and false descriptions of social anxiety.
True socially anxious person after reading your descriptions of "social anxiety" will feel abnormal and sick - because you have presented yourself as a model that obviously can talk a lot - which socially anxious cannot , and you report that you do not feel isolated in society - which will make socially anxious traumatized individuals feel abnormal and sick - and they will believe that they simply must have will power or scream on stage to heal and "cure" social anxiety.
Social anxiety stems from Complex Trauma experience of being exposed to narcissistic alcoholic abuse from untreated undetected mentally ill parent in childhood.
Living with toxically ashaming religious environment might not be as much as damaging as living with ACoA - which causes social anxiety.
Your cult simply traumatized you - but not in depth which socially anxious are traumatized,
For example, cult like Mormon or Amish will never tell you that your are feces as child.
Alcoholic narcissistic mentally ill parent will repeat this every single day in childhood.
Obviously as adult - you won't have any problem with self worth or applying to job - since you won't have operant conditioning inner critic inside you telling you that you are bottom feeder. Socially anxious people have that. You don't.
---
Socially anxious people will be afraid of talking and commenting - because they have fear of criticism and expressing their OWN criticism. Obviously you do not have this basic social anxiety trait.
You do not want to discuss about social anxiety nor find resolutions or solutions or discuss what are blockages and why certain CBT or Julien techniques are not working.
Instead you are trolling the topic here. That is indication of narcissism, a bully.
You never had social anxiety at all since you do not have empathy.
---
Problem are narcissistic personalities in managerial positions. Like advisors of any kind.
Narcissists like to be in power and in Rescuer mode - this gives them soothing feeling to their chronic toxic shame inside which motors narcissistic urges.
So - when we deal with social anxiety - we will tend to attract narcissists - it is like we are sponge and they are water - we will soak them in quickly.
With social anxiety we were brought in narcissistic ambient - and we were programmed to be obedient and to shut up and to endure the abuse and to fix angry arrogant people who appear as strong and confident to us, so in our programmed eyes they look as gods to us which we must serve.
This way - CBT is narcissistic abuse.
CBT and narcissists in medical industry use term called Hyper-cognition.
This means they quickly label anything that moves in order to subordinate and to take away control from their target. This is also called Coercive control.
So social anxiety self help will never explain what is happening here.
Instead - CBT will tell us that we are weak and that we must be strong, that we are hallucinating the abuse and that toxic people do not exist. This moral relativism places toxic tyrannical people in charge - and we end up fawning to them.
So it is Mathew effect - when we struggle with panic due to exposure to narcissistic abuse ACoA ambient since childhood - we will seek genuine help - and instead of validation and self acceptance - we will attract toxic people like toxic psychiatry which will symptomize our operant conditioned ACE abuse which we went through as kids. We need education from correct sources and we need self validation and self acceptance.
That is why Julien videos anger me so much - Julien is explaining here that our social anxiety is a defect, weakness, being sissy and feminine - and that is wrong - and we must become toxically masculine strong and confident -
which is actually instruction to build fake image - which is narcissism..
So Social anxiety is being weaponized against us - in order to create hysterical Karen out of us.
Social anxiety is complex trauma, it stems from ACE ACoA experience of trauma - it has nothing to do with weak mindset, it has nothing to do with our brain being broken or in defect - we are not abnormal. We are simply reacting to toxic people, toxic experiences - which were never ever explained to us in correct manner what happened to us.
Instead CBT is spreading quick labels of shame and stigma - to ashame us into neurotypical mindset of "strength" and "confidence".
We will never become neither strong nor confident if we hate who we are and we if are instructed to feel ashamed for being "weak" and sensitive and normal healthy human being who is friendly and agreeable.
Gabor Mate talks a lot about this toxic society and how default neurotypical norm is making us sick.
---
"Sometimes controling the conversation is not a bad thing. "
I dunno.
Controlling is manipulation. Always.
IT is morally and ethically wrong to make other people into subordinate species while we represent ourselves as overlord god superior to others.
Luckily enough William Glasser studied how to interact with other people in health sane and friendly manner, rather than being narcissistic monster hysterical Karen, He called this discovery as "What's my choice" study. There
he said that instead of "controlling" as you put it, we might choose the phrase and behavior related to "negotiation".
This way we are all on par - and there is no one-up-man-ships nor Crab mentality nor King of the hill competitions.
---
YT "Your fear of confrontation is holding you BACK"
So what happens when there is wrong outcome and when we do blow our stack?
What happens when we do damage and lose the relationship - which no matter how dysfunctional it is - it is providing us with some kind of shelter?
"Nobody told you how to have those kinds of conversations"
So what you are saying here is that there is some magical hypnotic tool with which we can control and manipulate bullies, mentally ill people in authority, when policemen is pressing our neck in open street or tries to shoot us through car window at shopping mall, we can actually talk with dysregulated mentally ill person and talk them into being agreeable. Interesting find.
"It doesn't feel like confrontation anymore. IT feels like an opportunity towards a better relationship"
BS.
When the other person is mentally ill narcissists and borderline - there is absolutely nothing we can do to prevent them being evil.
They are not our responsibility to cure or to coerce into health.
--
People like Julien have the stage- have the opportunity to spread the message about neurotypical dangers in society- and he does not mention this crucial information which most people suffering from social anxiety are totally unaware - because of conformism and Juliens toxic masculinity where anxiety is explained as feminine sissy problem and we are suppose to be "strong" and "macho" and "alfa" confident.
That explanation of being "strong" is neurotypical concept itself.
---
"it helps ppl understand how it works."
Nope..
Explaining social anxiety as problem with bravery does not help at all.
It leads to toxic shame and binary thinking.
Explaining that social anxiety is connected with abnormality in the brain such as being sissy and feminine and "weak" - will lead to self fulfilling prophecy - more disorder created from false misdiagnosis mislabel and stigma.
---
So many things come to my mind now.
What he is saying is that our coping mechanisms, as Gabor Mate and Peter Levine were telling all the time in their books - is that our "symptoms" and "diagnosis" and fears and anxiety - are all reaction to toxic ambient and toxic people. Feeling unsafe around narcissists and psychopaths so fawning to them.
So instead of CBT approach of weaponizing psychiatry to mold us into mechanic zombie - we need to work on safety. In whatever shape of form (which is legal of course) to make safety for us.
CBT and psychiatry mislead us.
They force us to develop toxic shame and self blame and that we manage micromanage our awareness - which leads to more anxiety and more fears - since we never start living.
We never start to make plans or come up with new ideas - since we are brainwashed by self help industry and official pharma mafia industry to pathologize ourselves and monitor ourselves as if we are serial killers who must be under constant surveillance - because we experience panic and fears around toxic people.
Instead of nitpicking our brain and our behavior - we need to create safety - by leaving or confronting toxic people and our "abnormal" symptoms such as panic and fears and anxiety and worry and rumination - will be gone.
---
YT "BE AWARE OF YOUR PROGRAMMING"
Yep.
Operant conditioning.
Exposed to ACoA constant and relentless criticism and blaming us for anything that happens wrong - will end up as programming which will end as social anxiety and complex trauma and rejection sensitivity dysphoria.
---
YT "EXTEND GRACE TO YOUR BODY"
Yes yes yes!
Finally video that is laser sharp about anxiety.
Most you tube videos are Jordan Peterson/Musk/Andrew Tate mentality about self blame and stigma and labeling anxiety as being feminine sissy weak and that we ought to be "strong" and "confident" -
while anxiety is operant conditioning, it is not a matter of weak will. Nor being feminine is abnormality or sickness by the way.
---
YT "THE BODY KNOWS with TRAUMA
"
This is realization that never came up to my mind in times before learning about Complex Trauma.
And that is what Gabor Mate spoke - how our reactions are normal reaction to toxic people and toxic events.
And mixed with neurodivergent mind - many of us will feel excluded and stigmatized for not enjoying neurotypical events (parties, small chat, being obsessed with strength) - while in reality our body is speaking to us what we need all the time.
Due to toxic neurotypical conformist society we ignore our body messages -and then end up with stress and trauma.
---
YT "Secure Attachment is NOT Perfect Attachment."
Binary thinking creates so much damage in reasoning. It is easy to blame and feel bad for not being perfect at anything 100% - especially if we were raised in ACoA ambient of hypercriticism all the time. Spectrum thinking lessens the perfectionism - and then toxic people who enforce and react with aggression to us having errors become the problem.
---
YT ""
I totally get this concept after Sinead O'Connor death - and I learned she made this song:
To say what you feel is to dig your own grave
Album: I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got
Black Boys on Mopeds
Song by Sinéad O'Connor
Which is connected to Bible - "The truth shall set you free"
Veritas Vos Liberabit
"The truth will set you free" is a statement which derives from John 8:32 in which Jesus Christ addressed a group of Jews who believed he was the messiah.
I see it as Protest - it is the only way to break the hypnosis of Operant Conditioning.
At it does come with price, as Sinead and New Testament speak about -
we will be punished for destroying narcissists' and predators fantasies by speaking the truth and rejecting their lies by being authentic and voicing out the elephant in the room which nobody else sees.
People will attack us, we will get fired, we will be labeled with diagnosis like Martha Mitchel Effect.
That is why we Fawn -
we secure our basic Maslow needs - finances, shelter, security by fawning to toxic people who would destroy us otherwise if we were not fawning to their Coercive control.
---
YT "How to Do the Work!"
I've been talking to Le Pera over Twitter in the beginning of this year.
She is trauma informed, but only to the point.
She is fixer - she still has issues about plastic surgeries, perfectionism, that there must be no pain in life- that is what I got from her tweets and comments to my comments.
Also what I seriously dislike about her is that she promotes the ideology that people pleasing and fawning is sickness and abnormality which causes us to be abused.
That information is highly damaging and it is not true.
I tried to explain this to her - but she could not process information: that evil people are evil. We did not cause evil people to be evil. Our actions, our behavior did not prompt evil people to be aggressive and to take advantage of our kindness.
And being closed and not-agreeable as Le Pera instructs people - leads to narcississm. It will not help us to become hysterical Karen or isolated or dissociated from reality and people - and this is what Le Pera is promoting in her work.
Third thing that was disturbing with her - was that some tweets are as if written by her lover, it is not their words. Her you tube video messages are different than some tweets.
At one day in March 2023 she posted very borderline tweet about being abusive and aggressive - and I wrote comment that this is borderline issue - and her tweet was quickly deleted.
So it seems to me like either she still has a lot of trauma work to do or her lover is meddling into her work and sabotaging her. Something is off about her.
I like this quote from her, and I use it a lot when talking to social anxiety videos, where massive amount of people have no idea that social anxiety is related to trauma and many people are resistant to this idea:
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YT "CPTSD and cognitive belief systems."
I tried CBT (through self help and articles) for 20 (twenty) years - and I didn't know about alternatives so I could not try anything else - since toxic society promotes CBT for social anxiety issues -
and I ended up with people pleasing and Fawning without knowing it is Fawning at all.
This happened because I would be in toxic ambient, with corrupt people who are criminals - and I would feel anxiety when talking to them and taking in their abuse at job - and I would self blame myself for feeling fear and panic around such people. So CBT instructed me to pathologize my normal natural reactions to predators and psychopaths and narcissists - and instead of validating my natural reaction to criminals - CBT instructed me to self pathologize myself. And to believe that feeling fears is abnormality and weakness, being feminine and sissy. CBT is therapy of ableism and narcissistic abuse through brainwashing our perception of reality - into moral relativism.
And Moral relativism always ends up as tyrannic monsters in power (pathocracy).
It is only in 2020 that I started to learn about trauma - which lead me to Humanistic psychology - which actually works for social anxiety: acceptance and validation.
CBT ought to be banned, it is detrimental therapy and it will work only for those in power dynamics such as having a lot of money, being rich - who can buy their problems in life away. Everyone else is doomed with CBT to develop toxic shame and personality disorders.
The label disorder itself is problem. It is red flag that medical community is pathologizing abused and traumatized individuals while leaving narcissists aside without any accountability in their abuse.
CPTSD is banned by CBT and DSM - medical community in USA does not cannot recognize Trauma model - since the system is built on capitalism, not socialism - so pharma mafia makes money profit on trauma, instead of healing it.
WHO's ICD-11 recognizes CPTSD fully.
---
YT "Codependency"
100%.
Like Ross Rossenberg is teaching - codependency is wrong description. The true condition according to him is Lack of Self Love, self love deficit he calls it - and I agree with him.
This is why Le Pera does not understand.
She instructs her followers that we heal codependency by becoming isolated and argumentative and to build walls and that we ban immediately anyone who annoys us or gives us feedback which is not pleasant to hear. That is lack of self love-
when we don't love ourselves, other people can hurt us easily with their opinions and criticism.
So building a walls will increase these issues, it will not help us to get rid of codependency - since other people are still gods and overlords in our eyes - as long as we do not 100 percent accept ourselves as we are, with all our mistakes and flaws and perks and quirks and fears and annoying traits that we dislike about ourselves which are natural to us - like having high moral and ethical standards which annoy most of people and cause them to abuse us or mock us or bully us.
---
YT "CPTSD and Control. What does it look like to let go of control?"
I've been reading multiple self help books since 1997 - and none of them mention attachment issues at all. None of them talk about control.
I think self help industry and CBT are doing so much psychological damage - since it does not provide the correct, concise and laser sharp information which anyone with trauma needs to hear in order to heal.
That way, it is only in 2020 that I came about on idea of Fallacy of control and this quote which says it all:
See other people as phenomena, they simply exist. Work with what they give you, instead of resisting and trying to change them.
ROBERT GREENE
---
@Slava_Russia99 "this is exactly how I feel do you know how I can get myself out of this mindset."
This is the problem,
we are brainwashed into believing that we have faulty mindset, that our brain is abnormal and that we must nitpick and fix our brain. Our brain is not abnormal.
If we are not serial killers - there is nothing abnormal in our brain.
What you believe is mindset issue - is actually Operant Conditioning - and this was discovered in Russia actually. Pavlov noticed that dogs can be classically conditioned into mindset. Hynosis.
Later Skinner developed Operant Conditioning - based on Pavlovian dogs experiments.
We feel social anxiety because of toxic people - they have brainwashed us into panic, fears, codependency, toxic shame.
This is very important to understand, that you truly understand that the issues of anxiety we struggle with - are stemming from narcissists and predators and mentally ill untreated evil people in our ambient and society. They are spreading disease around - and we get infected.
It is the same as flu.
Having a flu does not mean you have wrong mindset because you have symptoms of fever and headache and weakness. This symptoms stem from virus - outside external element which is absorbed by our body.
That is social anxiety. We are being infected by toxic people - and social anxiety is alarm system that we need to become aware of plague and to be sanitized and to cut toxic people off and to relocate.
Social anxiety is not wrong mindset.
It is not about being sissy or feminine or weak - that we cure by screaming and being "strong" and "macho".
We cannot cure virus by having muscles and by screaming.
Virus is destroyed by anti-virus.
Social anxiety anti-virus is protest mentality - awareness that we allow ourselves to protest - but also in the same time to know that predators and narcissists and mentally ill evil people will punish us for speaking the truth,
so anti-virus is psychological safety.
We need to work on our psychological safety - which in psychology is called also "Ventral Vagal".
If we live in toxic country - the only cure is to leave and relocate.
If we are in toxic narcissistic family system - we really need also to save up some money and leave in order to heal.
If we are stuck at toxic job - we will need to quit it - only if we live in healthy and wealthy country where unemployment is low.
Anti-virus is total radical acceptance of who we are as person, with all our fears and vulnerabilities and perks and quirks and particularities and irritations which annoy us about ourselves such as having high moral and ethical standards. Self acceptance and self validation.
---
YT "Regulating Our Nervous System."
Dysregulation -
I learned there is no cure.
We simply need to wait it out to pass. like a storm.
If we have high moral and ethical standards, if we are Agreeable and have other Big 5 personality traits high like Openness and Neuroticism - dysregulation comes with the territory.
I see that education about what is dysregulation and why it happens is essential to prevent us from self pathologizing ourselves into incessant plastic surgeries of our mind which CBT and self help industry is promoting in order to create profit for themselves.
These are all interchangeable:
RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) = Social anxiety = Emotional Dysregulation = Complex Trauma = Toxic shame = After-effects of ACoA & ACE = After-effects of narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, mental abuse = Hypervigilance/hypovigilance = PureOCD = Unfavorable power dynamics = Trauma response = Trauma bonding = Neurodivergence = Spectrum, not binary thinking = Amygdala hijacking = Trauma triggers and flashbacks = being criticized for something you can't control = having high moral and ethical standards and enforcing them = someone random complains about our errors when we done superhuman efforts to avoid ALL mistakes which 98.5% percent of people never invest neither physically nor mentally = toxic person complaining and expecting us to know something for the first time without mistakes = Perfectionism = Protesting = Not conforming = Being authentic true speaking the truth to fake people and toxic people who have hidden covert agenda to exploit others = being Agreeable (Big 5 personality trait) = being Open (Big 5 personality trait) = Being Neurotic (Big 5 personality trait) = being healthy, friendly and open to life and people
---
YT "Why do narcissists make you feel guilty and ashamed?"
Hehe I like the quick scan of questions and quick answer.
"Can narcissists change when they find true love?" - No.
haha ;D
I would like to expand this narcissistic abuse awareness.
Anyone struggling with social anxiety will seek help - which will come in the form of CBT -
and CBT itself is narcissistic abuse. CBT explains to us that toxic people do not exist and that our anxieties fears natural by products of reaction to narcissistic abuse - are all hallucinations. This way CBT is destroying our ability to trust our brain. The same thing that narcissists are doing: shaming us that we are too sensitive and that we are imagining the abuse.
This happens on global level - when society systems explain us that experiencing fears is weak and abnormality in brain.
---
For your own peace you need to cut this.
You need to let him go.
If you keep contact with him - they will hurt you over and over again.
This is his life lesson, it will be difficult to learn he will regret it till the day he dies and after you pass away he will understand what damage he has done to you.
The damage is already done.
We cannot control other people nor their delusions and fantasies. When others are hostile to us, if we stay with them, they will harm us and traumatize us. And nothing will change.
---
Social anxiety is not the same as shyness.
Shyness is neurotypical obsession with talking, confidence and going to parties.
Social anxiety is being trapped in toxic job with mobbing and inability to quit the job due to finances.
Shyness will wear off with exposure - so you need money to finance your outgoings.
Social anxiety is not about seeking superficial contact talking with random self involved people with lower IQ who never care about you if you live or die tomorrow.
---
Yet, what Julien is doing is only 5 percent of social anxiety.
You are really still not being presented with the whole picture.
What Julien is teaching here is Dissociation. It is dysfunctional Ego Defense mechanism - which we do not use since we are not evil.
So - he is teaching us here Toxic masculinity by Jordan Peterson: to scream and to be obsessed with building a fake narcissistic image of power and worship and seeking admiration and approval by other people by demanding respect from them through tyranny and abuse.
Totally dysfunctional and it destroys and contact with healthy and normal people and it sets us up to parasite over wounded and traumatized targets of abuse - who are too scared to confront us with our abuse and who are too afraid to leave us due to codependency.
---
(7.9.2023)
"I'm thinking in my head why don’t they answer fast it’s easy, but when the teacher calls on me it’s exactly what u said I pause and have to think about my response."
What you are describing here is called " Fundamental attribution error".
More:
In social psychology, fundamental attribution error, also known as correspondence bias or attribution effect, is the tendency for people to under-emphasize situational and environmental explanations for an individual's observed behavior while overemphasizing dispositional- and personality-based explanations.
This is also called:
Magnification
"This is the binocular effect on thinking. Often it means that you enlarge (magnify) the positive attributes of other people and shrink (minimise) your own attributes, just like looking at the world through either end of the same pair of binoculars."
There is also third concept that describes it, it is called "Attribution Theory"
Attribution theory deals with how the social perceiver uses information to arrive at causal explanations for events. It examines what information is gathered and how it is combined to form a causal judgment
And this is exactly what Julian is committing in his videos-seminars. He commits logical fallacy which is common in CBT and medical community, jumping to quick conclusions which are oversimplification and totally wrong - and they ignore situational factors which attribute to social anxiety such as poverty or existence of unprocessed trauma.
---
You are totally wrong.
People pleasing is escaping our own pain, hurt and trauma by shifting our attention to other people and fixing their problems which they can as well do on their own without our help at all.
People pleasing is also avoiding to be punished by evil people who use Coercive control and manipulation, punishment and reinforcement to command us to be a pushover.
Normal, healthy and sane people are ALREADY looking outside themselves and they are ALREADY helping others. There does not need to be mentally ill person like this alcoholic to point this basic human interdependence fact which all normal, healthy, friendly, sane people already carry on in their lives since childhood.
So there is no need to point this out UNLESS there was Operant Conditioning through ACoA abusers like this alcoholic who abused us into people pleasing and serving and fixing others whenever we are dysregulated by alcoholic abusers who abuse us.
----
"I believe it’s because we have that inner voice that tells us we’re not worthy. "
That is trauma, unprocessed and unexpressed trauma from alcoholic like your idol here whom you feel attracted to because he reminds you of your alcoholic father who abused you into people pleasing and fawning.
---
" This has helped me understand a lot with in 3o mins than most of my life. I am 40 years old and blown away by these videos"
This data in video which is mind-blowing is actually a mere 0.5% of social anxiety surface level information which is hidden from us by medical community and CBT and self-help industry.
There is a whole motherload lot of information which Julien never mentioned at all - and that would help us understand social anxiety.
Concepts such as:
RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) = Social anxiety = Emotional Dysregulation = Complex Trauma = Toxic shame = After-effects of ACoA & ACE = After-effects of narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, mental abuse = Hypervigilance/hypovigilance = PureOCD = Unfavorable power dynamics = Trauma response = Trauma bonding = Neurodivergence = Spectrum, not binary thinking = Amygdala hijacking = Trauma triggers and flashbacks = being criticized for something you can't control = having high moral and ethical standards and enforcing them = someone random complains about our errors when we done superhuman efforts to avoid ALL mistakes which 98.5% percent of people never invest neither physically nor mentally = toxic person complaining and expecting us to know something for the first time without mistakes = Perfectionism = Protesting: someone toxic complaining without fair assessment and basing their protest on bias and prejudice and oversimplification = Protesting: to express OUR OWN judgement and negative evaluation and holding criminals narcissists accountable for their crimes and hidden selfish agenda of exploiting others = Not conforming = Being authentic true speaking the truth to fake people and toxic people who have hidden covert agenda to exploit others = being Agreeable (Big 5 personality trait) = being Open (Big 5 personality trait) = Being Neurotic (Big 5 personality trait) = being healthy, friendly and open to life and people = Attachment issues = Codependency = Listening to our gut feeling
---
"Describing it as him 'trying' to set boundaries makes it sound like you might be trampling over any boundary he sets."
Good point.
This describing - is an act of rumination and worry and us trying to find solutions to problems which evil people produce all the time - since they live in fantasy imaginary world from which their delusions stem from - which end up confusing us since we take them at face value, as if they are normal with real problems which we must resolve.
So - becoming aware that our act of describing is the problem -
This is metaphysical issue that is really hard to understand for empathy and anyone who is open and friendly and nice and agreeable and wants to find resolutions and solution to any problems in life as any normal healthy sane person need to.
Our own high moral and ethical standards are hampering us when we deal with people who are evil and who choose to be evil.
Moral relativism is noble and okay but it enables abusers and tyrants to come into power. This is how noble ideas like communism and socialism turned into mass murders. Or another example- total belief in Christ lead to Crusaders raping and killing children.
This means - when we try to "fix" evil people, we will try all techniques such as setting boundaries, being assertive, learning about social skills - but all these paradoxically lead to being codependent and being trapped inside Karpman Drama Triangle without us being aware we are entangled with evil people.
In philosophy this is called Barber Paradox:
"Specifically, it describes a barber who is defined such that he both shaves himself and does not shave himself, which implies that no such barber exists."
So - we need to step outside Karpman Drama Triangle by using narcissistic tool: discard.
Discard is not about fighting or convincing - it is simply noting that evil people are evil. That they will never change - and that we cannot control them at all - neither by force nor by begging them to accept and validate us.
So narcissistic tool Discard is poison - but we can use their own poison to kill the virus of narcissism.
Our own high moral and ethical standards prevent us from realizing to take this small dosage of poison.
This is the same as Amish or Tom Cruise cult which forbids for pregnant women to take anesthetic because their high moral and ethical religious beliefs prevent them from taking any chemicals. So our own beliefs can harm us, no matter how much they are ethical and morally charged - they are still harming us - and
when we engage in any kind of contact with narcissists - we wrestle with the pig - even when there is no actual wrestle.
We end up thinking about them, worrying, and ruminating - we let our brain to drain our memory and energy resources in thinking how to handle and manage evil people.
Discard is the only way to snap the umbilical cord trauma bonding with evil people.
They hook us up through our own empathy and care and desire to help and to be civil and normal sane healthy interdependent friendly person - and they use this high moral and ethical values against ourselves - since we end up ruminating about them all the time.
Snap out of it with Discard phase.
---
" This and the ADHD masking explained who I am so well"
And that is so crucial to understand.
Without information about neurodivergency we will be explained by CBT that we are abnormal and that we are not like other people, that there is something horrible wrong with our brains, that we are abnormal, that our emotions are the same as our self worth, that we must use all our brain power memory energy resources in detecting viruses in our mind in order to be "normal". So CBT is doing so much incredible psychological damage along with videos like from Julien - where social anxiety is being explained away as being sissy, feminine, coward and that being silent is abnormality which must be cured by becoming hysterical Karen and narcissists and borderline person who screams at other people whenever dysregulated.
---
Because social anxiety is Complex Trauma.
Social anxiety is not a mere shyness.
If trauma is discarded and stifled down and ignored - this leads to mental illness.
Michael Jackson has Functional social anxiety - he worked, he performed in front of billions of people without any visible anxiety - but his life ended in tragedy due to unprocessed trauma that was buried underneath the Functional social anxiety.
That is why I talk here about hidden information from us - toxic society, CBT and videos like Julien - try to cover up the trauma by us becoming a zombie, puppet on a string which is manipulated by cult leaders like him - who will order us how to talk to people and to scream at others whenever we are dysregulated and feeling RSD in order to appear macho and alfa and strong in the eyes of others - which is another mental illness called Narcissism and Borderline.
---
YT "self-reflection and emotional regulation. #relaxing #relax #journal #writtingskill"
Writing is excellent tool to gather our thoughts and to clarify reality.
The down side is - that this won't help us in the actual moment, when RSD happens, when we are abused and when evil people exploit our empathy and sensitivity. Then we need to develop skills which ACoA never allowed us to learn:
1) Protest mentality
and
2 Discard phase
That we speak the truth and that we destroy the image of abusive people out of our minds - as if they never existed at all and hence shift our goals and life in new directions where our own goals are - not by ruminating and worrying about toxic people and what they did to us and being trapped in PureOCD hamster wheel worry about how to prevent it in the future.
---
YT "Helping non-verbal son to self-regulate when upset. #AutismStillCannotWin because #GodIsStillBigger"
Autism is not sickness nor abnormality.
Neurotypical norms and egocentric toxic society is the only sickness and abnormality there is.
---
YT "Borderline Personality Disorder | Mental Health Crisis | Emotional Regulation"
Many women are misdiagnosed as Borderline in order to shut them up and to allow patriarchy and white male heterosexuality coercive control norms as overlord over anyone else.
---
YT "5 REASONS THE INFJ "HERMIT MODE" IS THE KEY TO BETTER LIFE"
This makes so much sense.
Our brain is always in spinning wheel mode, analyzing, finding solutions and resolutions. When toxic people detect this ability of ours they will impose their problems, that we farm them and spend our energy on their problems while in the same time neglecting our own well being.
Problem is when we dissociate from toxic people, CBT will label this as Avoidance disorder - where CBT does not understand Neurodivergent brains at all. If other people exploit our power machine in our brain to hook us up on their invented and easily avoidable problems which they don't have courage or agenda to tackle - we will become slaves to such toxic people, simply because of our brain which is in natural worry rumination neurotic mode all the time. I call hermit mode as a Discard technique.
Discard is borrowed poison from narcissism, where we cut the cord with trauma bonding to toxic people - it is perspective of stopping viewing other people, toxic people who exploit our emotions and empathy - and actually not see them anymore, as if they are deconstructed in our mind atom by atom and they don't exist. Now our brain will be free to shift focus on normal and healthy people and our selves and our own well being.
Our brain comes up with new ideas and concepts naturally. Toxic people will exploit this with their hysteria and drama - and we need to be aware of both of our brain which is naturally inclined to solve issues and come up with better life strategies along with toxic people and learning red flags how to detect evil people. Evil people appear with love bombing first like a cult, they see what our weak void points are and they fill it up in order to hook us up. This means - they will appear to us at first as kind and nice and strong and with glib charm to charm us into abuse later on. Once we are hooked, they will use errors, and mistakes to throw at our brain - which will try to self blame ourselves into worry cycles and self blame all the time - without realizing that we are manipulated and controlled by evil people.
---
YT "How to be assertive (feat. Jordan Peterson AI)"
Being assertive with mentally ill people who are evil - leads to codependency. Evil people are pathological liars, professional manipulators and they hypnotize others into submission through Coercive control.
The only way to deal with narcissists is to Discard them.
---
YT "Villainous traits exist in real life too.🦹🏻♂️ #selfaware #difficultpeople #psychology #assertive"
It is great to learn about red flags how to recognize narcissists and anti-social mentally ill people like borderliners and psychopaths.
However - if we start to worry about them, they will parasite rent free in our mind, we will try to find solutions and resolutions how to change and prepare for potential abuse by random evil people.
This rumination and eternal preparedness as well may end up as PureOCD and social anxiety. Living in hypervigilance and survival mode - since we will place evil people as a trophy or religious icon that we actually worship and are scared of.
So I would rather lean on Discard -
that we obliterate such people from our mind atom by atom as if they never exist - and then naturally our brain will shift our focus onto normal and healthy people and our own well being, instead of living in amygdala hijacking mode all the time.
---
YT "Be assertive without confrontation"
We can't say what we want due to Operant Conditioning, living in dysfunctional home where we learned to hate ourselves and to fix other people and worship narcissistic types where we are slaves to them.
So - any assertive techniques described here - like "Let's do it later" will not work with those who dysregulate us into fawning: toxic people, narcissists, psychopaths, borderliners.
They are manipulators. When we set boundaries with them - such evil people will punish us.
The punishment may be as overt as screaming and drama and hysteria - but it also may as well be covert -
pathological lying, holding up important information from us, isolating us, fault finding, nitpicking our errors, creating toxic ambient where we are guilty ones, shaming us.
In extreme cases - this abuse ends up as Femicide.
Any kind of assertiveness and holding boundaries will enrage evil people. And depending on their levels of psychopathy - we will get punished for not engaging in their exploitations and manipulations.
This is something we need to understand - that CBT is forcing us to stay inside Karpman Drama Triangle.
CBT is promoting Assertiveness in media and books a lot as a "way" to handle difficult people and it is totally dysfunctional and detrimental - as CBT is itself.
Another deep issue with assertiveness and any boundaries is - that we will end up with anxiety. Our brain - brain of normal and healthy and sane people is designed to solve problems and to live in harmony.
When we are in the contact with toxic people - they throw imaginary problems which they present as acute and urgent catastrophic issues and problems which we must solve for them.
All the time.. 24/7.
They do this through micromanaging and microaggression - so we even may not see it as anything but small dot blimp on our radar. We won't detect this coercive control at all.
So - when we follow CBT "advice" to be assertive - we are totally ignoring the big picture - that we are farmed inside narcissistic matrix.
Any act of us trying to find ways how to be assertive - is paradoxically not being assertive at all.
We are slaves to toxic people, we try to please them, we try to not hurt their feelings by being blunt about their control and abuse - and for a reason - they will really punish us when we reveal their fake image as imposter and incompetent.
The only true way is Discard.
If we are unable to discard narcissists right now , due to money, shelter, third party(babies, elderlies) or paper work like visa or relocation - then we have no other choice but to fawn to them.
Nitpicking over assertiveness is simply toxic amnesia - that we forget how toxic evil people are - and we will end up forgiving them for all the atrocities which they done as soon as they start with love bombing phase.
Evil people must be cut out of our lives and our minds - atom by atom - discard them as wet towel and throw it into garbage never to be seen again.
That is the only way to handle and to be "assertive".
Any wishy washy techniques to wiggle out of their tentacles of coercive control is really damaging to our mental health.
Our brain will simply be obsessed over them and appeasing them and solving their issues - since we are normal and healthy.
As soon as we discard evil people - our brain will naturally find resources in memory and energy to relocate resources into good and healthy people and our own well being - we won't be obsessed with evil people anymore, our brain will no longer be in a defensive mode all the time-
with Assertiveness we are in defense mode all the time, we are hypervigilant and in amygdala hijacking and that is not healthy - this leads to stress - and physical illness such as cancer or lupus or skin issues or myeloma .
Toxic people with their invented problems and errors which they pick on us - isolate us and we will be left alone without human contact - since we will worry about drama which toxic people create all the time.
---
YT "here's how to become assertive PERMANENTLY"
I dunno if this is healthy.
If we depend on admiration and approval of other people, that we depend on their amazement of us as some kind of superior god like being which must be superior to others- is nothing else but mental illness , narcissism.
Depending on good feeling about being seen as supernatural in the eyes of others is called Borderline issue, and it is also mental illness.
Depending on external approval is called External referencing locus of control and it is highly unhealthy and leads to codependency, trauma bonding and constant hypervigilance and feeling void inside - since other people must provide us self worth through them commenting how great and amazing we are. We will end up with RSD issue which is extreme sensitivity to any kind of criticism or negative feedback - since we won't have intrinsic locus of control - that we feel good about ourselves without depending on other people to admire us for our skills and circus tricks that we might perform perfectly.
So perfectionism is another mental illness which comes out of this toxic masculinity neurotypical nonsense that you promote in your videos.
---
"If you know the history, a lot (90%+) of people pleasers were raised in the past 6000+ years. And it's still a basic behavior most of the east-asian and middle african countries."
Also,
if you know basic Psychology and personality traits - you would discover Big 5 Personality traits and discover that Agreeableness is totally normal human trait. It is neither sickness nor abnormality.
And all Big 5 traits come in spectrum.
Some people are more agreeable than others.
It also comes in genes - it is written in our genes (DR)
Quote:
"What is the gene for agreeableness?
How Genes Influence Your Agreeableness - Xcode Life
The CNR1 Gene
These receptors play a role in the emotional state of a person and also alter their behavior. rs806366 is a single nucleotide polymorphism or SNP in the CNR1 gene. The major C allele of this SNP is associated with higher levels of agreeableness when compared to the minor T allele."
Those with low Agreeableness are anti-social and psychopaths such as narcissists who lack empathy.
Quote:
Agreeableness is considered counterweight to narcissism. Narcissism personality style is disagreeableness or antagonism. Agreeableness: empathic, warm, flexible, make accommodation for other people, follow the rules, highly ethical. Opposite of narcissism.
(Mel Robbins/Dr. Ramani "You're not crazy, you're just dealing with narcissist")
So when we learn the basic Psychology traits - Big 5 - which are easily tested online, without login or paying a price to test -
we can discover that Social anxiety stems from these 3 personality traits being very high on spectrum:
1) Agreeableness
2) Openness
3) Neuroticism.
All 3 traits serve their purpose and without them we would be mentally ill.
1) Agreeableness - it allows us to form closed bonds with others.
In toxic contact this becomes codependency.
2) Openness - it allows us to explore and to be curious. Extremely healthy and anti-stress. However in toxic contact this becomes Avoidance and AvPD where we isolate ourselves to be safe and in the same time we desire social contacts.
3) Neuroticism. it allows us to discover who is narcissists, toxic and predator, who manipulate and control us through coercive control.
In toxic contact with psychopaths and narcissists - this becomes social anxiety and pathologized by CBT and people like Julien - who tell us that we are abnormal we if react to sociopaths and anyone who is anti-social and with hidden agenda to harm us and exploit us.
The true question is - why these Big5 are not mentioned in videos about social anxiety, why CBT does not mention this, why self-help industry does not mention this at all - and keeps this as secret from us - and instead they all gaslight us into self blame and self flagellation, stigma and toxic shame.
---
YT "4 Types of Borderline Personality Disorder"
I've been using Borderline as description for diluted version of narcissists but now it seems I fit in into Quiet BPD like knife in a butter.
It really makes sense, since PureOCD also fits in into this, so PureBPD fits here by the name itself.
I believe there is no "pill" for BPD because it is hidden and misdiagnosed with other issues - usually social anxiety where CBT will explain away the symptoms as hallucination and hence trigger more of people pleasing and self harm actions in the client.
It is very much clear that RSD BPD Complex trauma occurs due to ACoA - exposure to relentless criticism while growing up by untreated mentally ill parent and being exposed to such dysfunction while growing up (being told you are feces 24/7, as a "joke" by parent and toxic society ambient of shame culture such as found in the Balkans, Russia, Turkey, Africa and Asia).
---
(8.9.2023)
What Julien is talking about is a mere 0,5% of social anxiety information and data, very surface level information. Yet it is impressive to learn that our "shyness" is based on trauma and it is not personality defect as ableist CBT describes it.
There is a whole lot which he never mentions in his videos - even though he has medium and mass attention.
Hopefully he will use my comments to broaden his research and data and step back from his Toxic Masculinity approach that he is promoting here.
---
"more physical side"
That is called "Somatic".
It is trauma.
Trauma gets stuck inside our body as energy charged inside us without means to discharge it.
Then it slowly festers and comes to surface as allergies, skin rash, cancer, lupus, myeloma, stress, trembling, heart rate heart issues.
The trauma can be released by understanding and education that we learn that we were abused - and it was not our fault and that our brain is not abnormal as CBT claims it or sissy as Julien explains in his videos. IT was totally normal reaction to abnormal people, toxic ambient. It has nothing to do with will power or being weak.
---
"try to write a shorter version of that? It's very interesting, but my attention span is way too short for it."
I'll try, I do my very best.
Unfortunately it is complex - and if I leave out any important detail - it will get distorted.
Think about narcissism as being stuck in a cave like Taiwan cave rescue of children few years ago - or current rescue of American in Turkey -
it is complex, it takes times and we need to know every stone and turn in the cave system to get out to the surface.
In shortest way possible:
exposure to narcissistic abuse leads to:
Social anxiety - RSD - Complex Trauma - ACoA symptoms - Dysregulation - PureOCD- Quiet BPD
CBT is doing incredible damage by providing us with misdiagnosis.
---
"its not that deep dude."
What is it then?
How would you describe social anxiety?
I'm curious
because I have been suffering from it since 1990.
Since 1997 I have read practically billion of self help books and articles, tried therapy.
So it is 33 years of information and data in my comment about describing social anxiety.
33 years is longer time than Mandela spending in his prison.
So I am very curious what is your own explanation of social anxiety that you dismiss the work of thousands of patients and doctors that are formulated in my comments here- what is your explanation?
I am very interested to read it.
---
" i think the messege was we need stop self-sabotaging ourselves into misery and not being able to function."
Well flash news - nobody can stop sabotaging themselves by developing toxic shame and toxic masculinity and narcissism.
Creating fake image of Viking will end up as narcissism and mental illness. Hating your weaknesses leads to mental illness and personality disorder.
---
"I mean. What do you desire. What is useful right now. What holds you back ?"
But this is EXACTLY the problem
Socially anxious people do not have ego.
They have no self worth. It is Quiet BPD.
No desires, no preferences.
Other people choose it for anyone with social anxiety.
Own preferences in social anxiety DEPEND and codepend on other people, usually narcissists and abusers and toxically ashamed people like Julien who try to make us believe we are abnormal and sissy and sick and feminine for reacting to trauma, and that we must create totally new personality which is Viking and who is screaming and who is Karen in order to appear mighty and approving in other people's eyes.
Socially anxious people do not need to develop ego - it is buried inside like an onion skin layer.
This process of discovering , unearthing oneself is one of healing trauma - and nope, it is not done by extorting answers from us and inventing new persona of what we like, as I quote your words:
"What holds you back ? Why ? How ? Its complex and its for you to chew the food however you see fit. What do you think ? Do you need the answer and validation from him word for word ? What helps you in the end as a rounded unique individual ? Let go. What do YOU feel and think ?"
Person with social anxiety has toxic shame and toxic shame covered all this questions like a invisible veil.
We do not get answers by hoarding answers on top of this toxic shame invisible veil.
We remove the invisible veil of toxic shame Operant conditioning of ACoA and ACE - and answers will be here inside us all the time, buried under inner criticism and perfectionism and complex trauma abuse that we endured.
---
"but when people are crippled so bad by it they have an inability to function then thats bad. "
That is Quiet BPD.
IT has its name.
We do not need anymore seeking what is happening - it is written in the books since 1994. CBT and you tube videos like this from Julien are keeping us in the dark and ignorance - since they don't provide us with correct information while they have the podium and medium to tell the message to the masses.
"You mistake this for morales."
It is moral.
It is QuietBPD. It stems from being abused in dysfunctional home where we were punished for not being good in early age when our psyche was forming and when it was supposed to be in psychological safety - it got abuse instead.
"for your messege i believe encourages us to sink into chaos and utter-f*cking-insanity. "
I do not understand why?
My message is that our "symptoms" are totally normal reaction to untreated mentally ill person from our childhood who criticized us 24/7.
With CBT message we are explained that we are abnormal and sick and that we must build fake persona and to suppress our emotions - which leads to mental illness.
Give some time for my info to sink in. It is new information and you are experiencing Cognitive Dissonance - since we have been lied about social anxiety since forever-
"Balence is key"
Yep,
my message about complex trauma being social anxiety means Emotional Regulation,
Ventral Vagal in Polyvagal Theory. IT is balance.
"Whats in this video has been true to my healing in therapy"
This video is teaching you to hate yourself and to build fake image of superiority and narcissism.
". I consider the options. I consider other people."
With instruction from Julien video you are instructed to scream and to be hysterical and to push people and fight them and to pretend that you are strong as if emotions and self worth are fused together - which they are not.
---
"become a functioning better person."
He is already better person.
Feeling anxiety is not making him bad person.
Feeling anxiety is not stigma, it is not abnormality in the brain, it does not take away his human rights just because he went through trauma that is now coming to surface as anxiety and fears and panic.
With QuietBPD we reject ourselves due to toxic shame, installed in childhood due to exposure to untreated mentally ill person like Julien who told us that we must be strong Viking and perfect in life - otherwise we are not better.
---
" social anxiety isn’t good at all mate."
All emotions have their purpose,
They are an alarm system..
When you burn your hand, pain and hurt is uncomfortable - but it does not mean it is disorder or sickness in the brain. The pain is telling you that you watch out where you put your fingers so that you do not burn yourself anymore.
IF you start to believe that your emotions are disgusting, abnormal and sick - you will develop mental illness.
---
"We're way too focused on what the norms are. "
That's because social anxiety is QuietBPD.
"focusing on what others expect you to want,"
This works with healthy and sane people.
When the other person is mentally ill like narcissist - then what they want is mental illness and you are enabling their crime.
"to not give a shit about what others expect of you"
If you do not care about normal, healthy, sane people around you- they will leave you.
You will be alone and you will attract mentally ill criminally insane abusers and psychopaths.
"if a person genuinely doesn't like being around people or having friends there's absolutely no point in pretending that one does."
That is called Schizotypal disorder.
It has nothing to do with social anxiety which is topic here.
"Personally I do enjoy solitude to some extent but I also value close friends"
Quiet BPD:
You are describing Quiet BPD.
Which is social anxiety.
Now the question is why videos like this do not tell us about RSD, complex trauma nor Quiet BPD.
Why CBT is keeping this secret away from us, so that we feel like freaks and that something unknown is inside us making us panicked and scared:
--
"he's just saying you need to let go of old behavior"
That "old behavior" is persona, it is basic human trait, it is Big 5 personality trait: Neuroticism. It is not old. IT is totally normal human characteristic - to react to abuse and toxic people around.
"has overstayed its use and hinders you."
Toxic people hinder us.
Toxic people are abusing us - they are the cause of hindering. They are the ones who overstayed since nobody told them that they are mentally ill and need to be in institution and not among healthy society to abuse upon.
" i even reported you for harassment "
Okay. And I will block you.
Problem solved.
" I would love to see these professional sources."
When I put "professional sources" - comments get deleted by YT algorithm because they are copy-paste material,
And also people do not like to read it. They find it boring.
"I've stayed locked in a room for 3 years. I get stomach sick from anxiety. I've had panic attacks."
Quiet BPD.
" your critism is highly outlandish "
"certain amount of anxiety is good but too much and you become dysfunctional."
Again,
toxic people are triggering anxiety.
We are not producing anxiety out of sheer boredom or because we have nothing better to do.
IT is toxic people who are causing anxiety stress triggers. IT is not us. IT is not our brain that on its own come up with anxieties.
"But if you can look deep inside with you and come to terms."
Well Julien in his video states that we do not look at all - that we build up fake image of hysterical Karen and Viking and that we become impulsive Borderliner who screams at other people.
---
" but social anxiety is something different and can most of the time be very isolating for a person."
It is quiet BPD.
IT is not social anxiety, it is not anxiety. It is Quiet BPD. We are misdiagnosed and being mislead by CBT and videos like this and by self help industry.
"Saying that people who do things like this are part of the dark triad is insane."
Yet - it is true.
It is Impulsive Borderline - where instead of Fawning you deliberately choose to be abuser and to pass on social anxiety trauma onto the next generation like a generational curse.
"Social anxiety is bad, it’s not a normal thing to have."
It is totally normal to have.
First of all you mix up social anxiety with social anxiety disorder.
Social anxiety allows you to smell good and that you don't smell bad and that you do no urinate on people and take a dump in street and that you don't masturbate in public like Diogenesis in ancient Greece.
Social anxiety reminds you of being humble and accessible to other people.
When you smell like puke just because you don't want to wash yourself for not caring what other people think of you - other people will avoid you and you will be isolated and alone and lonely.
Toxic people trigger our anxiety.
Our brain is not abnormal, it is not inventing social anxiety out of sheer boredom or to taint us.
It is narcissists that are causing our anxiety to be triggered.
---
"You cannot flourish mentally on your own, that's why solitude is a punishment that drives us crazy."
You are absolutely correct and I agree with this statement 100 , 110 percent,
HOWEVER if we are in toxic ambient, if people around us are toxic, if we live in toxic shame culture country - then there is no flourishment with narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths either. In fact - then there is de-gradation and destruction in that toxic ambient and being around toxic people.
Which you never take into consideration - since due to egocentrism and Confirmation bias, you have no idea about Fundamental attribution error:
"In social psychology, fundamental attribution error, also known as correspondence bias or attribution effect, is the tendency for people to under-emphasize situational and environmental explanations for an individual's observed behavior while overemphasizing dispositional- and personality-based explanations."
Nor Attribution Theory:
"Attribution theory deals with how the social perceiver uses information to arrive at causal explanations for events. It examines what information is gathered and how it is combined to form a causal judgment" It means:
Situational attribution vs Dispositional Attribution,
where you are obsessed like CBT with Situational attribution, internal emotions - like anxiety which you label as being sissy and weird and abnormal which must be replaced with Jordan Peterson mentally ill idea of narcissism and toxic masculinity and being alfa macho who is never afraid of anything-
And in the same time you totally ignore environment - of Jordan Peterson being fascist, alcoholic and mentally ill and living with such psychopaths what impact emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse has on their victims.
". But you're taking things to extreme ends here"
Dude, that is reality.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma.
IT is result of being abused, and the abuse nor trauma are not processed - instead is pops up as annoying social anxiety symptoms. People who are not assertive have social anxiety, RSD, Quiet BPD.
People who cannot talk and have a backbone were abused. Why is this information so hard to understand?
"I'm promoting balance."
You are promoting Dissociation (Which is mental illnes) - suppressing inforamtion and emotion, denial of emotions, stifling them down. That is what you promote here. Dysfunctional ego defense mechanism - that is what you are selling here. You and ableist CBT.
---
YT "Quiet BPD, The Scapegoated Disorder"
I discovered Quiet BPD yesterday thanks to Dr Ramani video.
For years (since 1990s), until yesterday - I thought it was social anxiety.
I do not understand why self help books hide this information from us? It was invented in 1994. Nobody talks about subtypes of BPD. BPD is generally explained as diluted version of narcissism. Nobody talked about Quiet BPD and how often it is misdiagnosed as social anxiety.
Also, in the same time,
Social anxiety is being explained away as hallucination and that toxic people do not exist.
The information that is mind-blowing here is that Quiet BPD is self hatred issue and not trusting myself - where anyone struggling with it without knowing it is Quiet BPD will be misdiagnosed and mislabeled and stigmatized as CBT version of social anxiety description - where we are explained away as being over-reacting and that we are the problem for wanting balance, regulation and fair play in contact with other people and where we protest being taken advantage of or dehumanized. And CBT is doing it to us - to anyone seeking genuine help: CBT labels us as difficult and that we must change and fix our brain and thinking and our personality Big 5 traits - which leads to personality disorder and toxic shame, when we reject who we are at the core.
So what is mind-blowing with QuietBPD - is the fact that we experience dysregulation and intense emotions - is not because of our "faulty" brain but it is toxic society, narcissists and psychopaths and sociopaths all the time - and it is not our reactions that are problem but our lack of protest reaction that is the problem, in order to discard toxic people , instead of staying stuck with them through rumination and trying to fix angry people - like CBT is telling us to: that we must never avoid people unless we will develop avoidant disorder and that we must be assertive people - which in real life allows narcissists and Machiavellians of all sorts to use our private volunteer information against us later on. Along with weaponizing our reactions to their abuse while we are being "assertive" with toxic people. We are not told it is okay to cut contact with toxic people by CBT. We are told to leave toxic people - but CBT does not explain what happens when we cannot leave due to finances or lack of shelter or due to fact our ego is destroyed along with our self worth - so we have no idea who we are and what we want out of our life. CBT ought to be banned.
---
"you didn't expect somebody to counter you"
Nope. You did not counter me. You abused me. You weaponized my comments and accused me of harassing people.
Harassing people means threatening them with violence and abusing them and putting them down,
so you are liar,, you are lying.
That is toxic.
You are abusive person.
You simply was narcissists all the time - and now you are abusing people like any narcissistic person - and that looks to you like you cured your Impulsive Borderline narcissism.
---
Self worth being totally destroyed due to ACoA/dysfunctional ambient of relentless criticism 24/7 while growing up and then this happens:
These are all interchangeable:
RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) = Social anxiety = Emotional Dysregulation = Complex Trauma = Toxic shame = After-effects of ACoA & ACE = After-effects of narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, mental abuse = Hypervigilance/hypovigilance = PureOCD = Unfavorable power dynamics = Trauma response = Trauma bonding = Neurodivergence = Spectrum, not binary thinking = Amygdala hijacking = Trauma triggers and flashbacks = being criticized for something you can't control = having high moral and ethical standards and enforcing them = someone random complains about our errors when we done superhuman efforts to avoid ALL mistakes which 98.5% percent of people never invest neither physically nor mentally = toxic person complaining and expecting us to know something for the first time without mistakes = Perfectionism = Protesting: someone toxic complaining without fair assessment and basing their protest on bias and prejudice and oversimplification = Protesting: to express OUR OWN judgement and negative evaluation and holding criminals narcissists accountable for their crimes and hidden selfish agenda of exploiting others = Not conforming = Conforming (fawning) to unreasonable standards and neurotypical norms = Conforming to narcissistic abuser and psychopath who would punish us if we don't conform to their Coercive control, hidden agenda and manipulation and pathological lying = Being authentic true speaking the truth to fake people and toxic people who have hidden covert agenda to exploit others = being Agreeable (Big 5 personality trait) = being Open (Big 5 personality trait) = Being Neurotic (Big 5 personality trait) = being healthy, friendly and open to life and people = Attachment issues = Codependency = Listening to our gut feeling = Quiet BPD (PureBPD) = BPD Splitting
-
" I never know whether or not my feelings or reactions are “appropriate” or if they are exaggerated due to my borderline personality"
I would resolve this with this question:
Are we harming and hurting other people? Impulsive narcissists abuse others without any filter.
Quiet BPD don't, they implode instead.
Are we serial killers? Are we anti-social? Meaning, do we want hidden covert agenda to harm and cause pain other people?
Quiet BPD don't - so our feelings and reactions and beliefs are 100 percent appropriate.
They will become inappropriate as soon as we behave as impulsive borderliners. Which we don't. So our trait of regulating external rage - needs to be validated and we need to put price tag on it, meaning we cut toxic people off and stop trying to explain them anything in life anymore. They won't understand it since they don't care about people at all.
I see Quiet BPD as inability to love and accept and trust ourselves - that is where all our doubts stem from, all the toxic shame facets stem from - that we basically reject ourselves at deep unconscious subconscious deep deep level inside , deep deep down - we reject our core basic Self - and as domino effect - this comes up as emotional dysregulation and Rejection sensitivity on the surface.
We never learned as children to accept and validate our Self. So now we doubt ourselves and we think we are wrong all the time. While we must fawn at other people who appear as strong and normal to us.
---
32:57 "What other people think of me is none of my business"
Unless we are Rush Stockton and we build submersible based on carbon fibre - and our ignoring of feedback causes 4 deaths.
So in some cases - it is worthwhile to listen to actual criticism and check and test and correct what we are doing wrong.
Being stubborn and not changing our errors leads to disaster - we could end up as murderers if we ignore advice of more intelligent, more expert advice people who know better than us.
Another example is Mark Freeman.
HE is Canadian You tuber and his channel is about Rumination and PureOCD. He is teaching everyone that rumination/worry/overthinking/anxiety must be cured by shifting our focus and ignoring the intrusive thoughts.
But in the same time he is very narcissistic and arrogant and rude and does not understand complex issues such as Unfavorable power dynamics or Femicide - where women do get killed when they ignore their abusers and when they stand up to their abusers. So he himself is very psychotic person who is abusive - and he is literally killing any conscience or empathy which he has - since he labels his moral and ethical voices and feelings and feedbacks as intrusive OCD sickness. This way he is keeping himself sick - while he is convinced that he is cured and his well being is the only thing important in the universe. In reality - his version of "what other people think of me is non of my business" is actually Path to narcissism , not cure.
So I would be careful about this adage.
We need to be open. Opennes is Big 5 personality trait - and it allows us to make contact with other people and to listen to them, instead of being stubborn and isolated and cold and unable to connect with other people and their needs.
---
Instead of "assertiveness" CBT approach I would focus on this:
validation and acceptance, Humanistic psychology:
When we totally accept ourselves as we are we will become naturally assertive, without any mechanical intervention.
Listen to this:
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
Survivors don’t need anyone else telling them what the ‘should do’ or ‘have to do’ to heal. The last thing they need is someone else trying to control them again. Survivors need to know they are in control and that they are the experts in their experience and healing.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
There are so many “positive” messages that are aimed to inspire and help survivors. But when you really listen to these messages, they often guilt or blame survivors for either how they responded to the abuse, or for how they are healing now.
Make sure the messages you share with survivors are honoring and respecting them, their courage, and their choices.
When people are not assertive - it is defense mechanism. It is reaction to psychopaths around them that would punish them without fawning to them.
Please take this into consideration rather then going into Crusaders mode to destroy someone being quiet, or "without backbone" or their people pleasing and fawning as being sissy and feminine and something to be ashamed of and being "weak"
Someone who is fawning is in extremely toxic ambient around extremely toxic narcissistic psychopaths and fawning is survival mechanism, not sickness to hide or to be ashamed of.
---
We will talk as soon as we stop neurotypical nonsense about being strong, macho, not weak, not being sissy, not being feminine just because we feel uncomfortable around psychopaths and toxic people like narcissists and impulsive borderliners.
As soon as we stop masking our neurodivergence and trauma which we feel is shaming and abnormal due to toxic society and toxic videos messages and Jordan Peterson, like this one.
---
"seemed so painful from start to end"
This is due to trauma, it is called Somatic. IT is body thing. Trauma is literally stuck inside our body like un-discharged energy.
We never shook it off and it stayed lodged inside our body. Like apple thrown in the back of Gregor Sams in Kafka's book "The Metamorphosis".
It is said that zebras never get cancer from all the lion hunt predators because they shake their stress off after the successful escape from predators.
We never shook the stress, abuse and trauma off. It stayed stuck inside us - it is not uncovered, trauma is not validated, trauma is not acknowledged and we have no idea that it is trauma at all.
It appears as inability to watch triggering social situations which were similar to our original trauma.
We need to learn about Complex Trauma, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, Operant Conditioning and AcoA and Quiet BPD.
We need to learn all these concepts in order to understand trauma.
Trauma cannot be healed by becoming narcissists, by becoming a fake Viking, someone who is hysterical Karen who screams at other people. That is still trauma.
Trauma is healed by validation and self acceptance and that we no longer feel ashamed for feeling these panic feelings.
...
"The reason why people refer to social anxiety as a sickness that needs to be cured is because it literally hijacks your life,"
Amygdala hijacking occurs due to toxic people. Not because of social anxiety.
Predators, narcissists, psychopaths usually covert ones trigger our panic - and this hijacks our amygdala and we are in survival mode - due to toxic people, people who scream at each other as Julien is instructing masses to become abusers who cause social anxiety trauma in others.
"making you unable to do anything."
It is not social anxiety. IT is toxic people and toxic ambient.
Social anxiety is like allergy symptoms - symptoms are triggered by pollen.
Sometimes it is pollen.
Sometimes allergy symptoms are real virus reactions like high fever.
The fever is not sickness of the mind - it is reaction to real virus.
If you haven't, if we all have not have any reaction to virus - the virus would destroy our body.
When we get fever symptoms - it is sign we need anti-dote.
That is social anxiety - it is triggering signal, alarm system that something is wrong in our environment.
You can test this quickly: we will never get social anxiety on 1-on-1 situations, or online where we know we can talk to strangers like you and me - because you know the online person is safe, they cannot steal stuff from you, they cannot harm you in any possible way - so social anxiety really is alarm system going on when someone is toxic.
If we believe social anxiety is abnormality of our brain - this is self abuse, this is self pathologizing , this is toxic shame and this will cause secondary anxiety and Quiet BPD and Rejection Sensitivity and new layers of trauma on top of the existent one.
"it makes me feel like I'm entering a panic attack "
This is trauma. This panic feeling is trauma. It is Somatic- we feel it in our body as hormones and panic reaction. That is trauma being stuck inside our body. Check out books from Gabor Mate and Peter Levine - they talk about body stress trauma stuck inside us causing us trauma panic reactions. IT is not social anxiety.
Social anxiety is simply a by-product of unhealed and unprocessed trauma inside our body - which CBT never explains that we have it inside us like a parasite.
Even random you tube videos about social anxiety topic never mention this at all - and this keeps trauma unhealed.
When we don't know what is wrong - we will tend to blame ourselves.
" this makes life very difficult,"
Quiet BPD. Google it. You will learn that it is not your fault. ACoA- we were exposed to untreated mentally ill person while growing up who criticized us 24/7 all the time, when our psyche was forming and supposed to be in psychological safety ambient.
"while all I have to show for it is my people-pleasing skills"
Again, fawning is survival mechanism.
It is not sickness. It is not abnormality.
It is totally normal surviving mechanism which we adopted to survive Coercive control, manipulation, psychopaths and untreated mentally ill people around us who punished us and we went through Operant Conditioning - through Negative Reinforcement (blaming us, criticizing us, rejecting us, punishing us all the time for smallest errors and for not being perfect)-
---
It is called social+anxiety.
Which means anxiety stems from the social factor.
Toxic people causing anxiety.
IT is not called self + anxiety. We are not afraid of ourselves.
We are afraid of other people who trigger our panic reactions due to previous abusive coercive control experiences where they hurt us and traumatized us and blamed us for everything.
---
IT is important to know:
People who have issues with assertiveness self blame themselves and feel tremendous toxic shame at the start, and they will comprehend assertiveness as personal defect, something that must be cured.
This is false belief conditioned into them through abuse and toxic people like narcissists and impulsive Borderliners.
Then assertiveness itself becomes toxic - because being honest and upfront with dangerous and potentially lethal criminally insane people can end up in tragedy. In less tragic situations - it will end up as exploiting information and data freely given to them by being assertive and trying to solve situations which toxic people are never interested to solve anyway.
Not to mention Reactional abuse where toxic people troll and extort reactions from their targets during the Assertiveness standing up for themselves.
---
(9.9.2023)
" you just described my life :("
Yeah, we have been lied to about social anxiety. We have been told by mass media, toxic society and medical industry such as CBT that we are weak and abnormal and that we have to cure our brain - while in reality - we are victims of abuse and we feel trauma related to this abuse. We are not abnormal, we have totally normal reactions to toxic people who got away with their crime hands free.
---
"he wont lose his “coolness” for being loud, or himself, he will stop being “cool” the moment he stops being real/himself."
If you check out the medical description of Personality disorder - it is inability to regulate yourself in social situations.
"I also don’t understand why you’re on every comment "
So now you are stalking me?
If you don't like my comments - skip it.
Enjoy your delusions, your life your choices.
" but you sound more like a karen than anyone else."
You sound like primadonna Karen yourself.
---
"man i couldnt watch the video further at a certain point. I feel a physical pain just by imagining myself in his position. He is so brave"
This physical pain is trauma. It is a signal that there is unprocessed shocking events that are stored and waiting in our body and they create damage there and come up to surface as anxiety.
This is not abnormality - toxic people who scream and who are hysterical caused this trauma.
This means - trauma is not associated with braveness.
Toxic society is giving us wrong messages and wrong explanations, toxic masculinity is doing incredible psychological damage since it makes us feel toxic shame for feeling trauma.
Toxic shame is deep core self hatred and self disgust buried deep inside us at the core of who we are.
When we have this toxic shame inside us - we will make bad decisions in life and we will attract criminally insane psychopaths around us.
Healing the trauma and toxic shame means that we realize that our emotions such as feeling weak, vulnerable and fear are not our self worth.
When we are abused and traumatized - other people will consciously and unconsciously do more damage by giving us wrong explanations and telling us that we suppress our emotions and that we build fake narcissistic image of "strength". That fake persona is path to mental illness.
---
My comment got automatically deleted by Julien filter algorithm.
When we receive the wrong information and half information by quacks and fake people who are not experts at all but narcissistically present themselves as superior and strong - it is domino effect to wrong decisions, to making wrong decisions in life and usually t self pathology and self blame.
---
You don't need to do anything. There is no work. You are not a machine. You do not have to be perfect. Perfectionism is trauma itself.
This of healing trauma as accepting yourself as you are - who need or who think that he or she needs a lot of work and be fine with it. Without stigma, without self blame, without self pathology which toxic society and videos like this one place on our shoulder to carry around like Sisyphus.
---
Borderline personality disorder.
In faulty CBT (therapy which studies personality disorders) there is a wrong description of borderline disorder. It is described as narcissistic, loud screaming Karen.
While in reality there are many spectrum subtypes such as Quiet BPD: which is social anxiety. We shut up, we are silent, we fawn, we are pushovers, we self censor ourselves, we live in fears and panic mode all the time and we are convinced that we are abnormal for having these trauma symptoms which toxic society and video like this one explain away as being cowards, sissy, feminine, weak. Society is lying to us, they are feeding us with wrong explanations and we stay stuck in Quiet BPD as the result of toxic society.
Google it. Education is our only (legal) weapon against psychopaths who keep us trapped in panic mode and self blame and self pathologizing mode.
--
Yes. We are not being told crucial information about Social anxiety - such as Complex Trauma, ACoA, RSD and Quiet BPD , HSP.
Then we get stuck with Julien-type toxic videos where we are explained that we are weak coward sissy feminine freaks that must become screaming Viking Karen lunatic.
---
The quickest way to "remove" social anxiety is to become abuser and to pass social anxiety onto the new generation.
Similar to the movie Ring where the curse is broken by creating new copy of the cursed video.
The question is - is this Viking behavior?
To be true coward who runs away from his uncomfortable emotions, and to not truly face our hidden trauma and deep fears and to truly leave our comfort zone?
---
(10.9.2023)
I'll divert your useless Ad Hominem Arguments into the subject of this topic.
Social anxiety is falsely explained to us by CBT. CBT is main default therapy for social anxiety. IT is found in all self help industry books and articles and Wikipedia etc.
So we are flooded with wrong information by CBT about social anxiety. Including this video.
First and foremost there is a difference between social anxiety and social anxiety disorder.
These 2 things are completely different.
Social anxiety is normal social feeling when in any social settings - and everyone feels it. Except psychopaths and criminally insane who cannot feel empathy due to abnormal brain. When we wash our face in the morning and when we check ourselves in the mirror that we don't have breakfast teeth cleaning leftovers on our face - that is part of social anxiety. We are worried that other people may see crap on our face and think that we are sloths and laugh at us and put us on you tube short clips to mock us.
Social anxiety disorder is not social anxiety issues at all. By strict clinical explanation social anxiety disorder is light form of schizophrenia. IT means that person who is socially afraid - is afraid even of good and innocent people due to heavy delusions of harm. It is like being afraid of babies, small harmless objects that move - so all CBT self help books will describe in their examples of "social anxiety disorder" as insignificant social events like going to parties and talking to cashier. CBT self help books will never mention truly socially anxious events like mobbing at job.
So CBT is brainwashing us with wrong explanations of social anxiety all the time - it either mix it up with shyness or paranoid delusional disorders. There is no middle ground with hypercognitive (jumping to quick diagnosis) CBT.
CBT does not mention Neurodivergency at all, nor ACoA. Crucial parts of social anxiety.
Another crime of CBT is fusing emotions with self worth.
Official definition of social anxiety by CBT is that social anxiety is fear of judgement and scrutiny.
This definition is wrong and misleading, it is misdiagnosis - and it is based on fault 1990s social anxiety research where they investigated shy and narcissistic people, not socially anxious. They based DSM description of social anxiety based on people who mimicked social anxiety for not knowing for narcissists having hidden agenda to appear as a poor helpless victims in narc supply around them.
This definitions sets us up to be victim and to be stuck in learned helplessness. CBT is brainwashing us in wrong definition of social anxiety.
The correct definition of social anxiety is:
Social anxiety is fear (trauma) of expressing OUR OWN judgement and OUR OWN scrutiny to others when they are rude and hysterical to us. Due to Operant Conditioning and DeepBPD and Coercive Control inside narc abuse ambient, socially anxious will self censor themselves.
Which means - you never had social anxiety.
You are rude and abusive, you express your anger and delusions and grandeur - which narcissistic people do. Socially anxious shut up and they are silent, if when they are just and correct, they keep being silent due to ACE trauma.
---
" never keep my opinion for myself "
Then you do not have social anxiety.
Social anxiety by medical definition is being silent and shutting up, it is self censorship part that makes it disorder.
People with social anxiety due to exposure to abuse in childhood keep silent and never defend themselves. Even when they have all the proofs of their innocence.
This phenomena of fawning trauma response is called Negative Politeness.
Due to exposure to ACoA abuse in childhood (constant and relentless criticism 24/7), socially anxious feel tremendous panic, fear, anxiety when they need to point out the other person's fault and to criticize others when they are wrong and abusive.
Many uncomfortable feelings in social situations are often misdiagnosed and quickly labeled as social anxiety or shyness - while in reality they may be something else like feeling narcissistic injury. Which means not meeting own selfish egocentric agenda to exploit other people and harm them and take away something from them in covert manner.
---
For a month?
I have been reading billions of self help books since 1997.
PureBPD was invented in 1994.
I have never, ever ever in any of 30 years come across this term at all.
I discovered it by chance on Friday, 3 days ago, when looking at MedCircle video with Dr Ramani.
And that was by chance also because I thought when I saw the title of the video Subtypes of BPD that it is Meh., unimportant to anyone with social anxiety.
BPD is Cluster B - it means it is for criminally insane, psychopaths, murderers, serial killers.
No one, but no one until this Friday never ever mention that there is subtype of Quiet BPD - which is totally the opposite of DSM's general explanation of Cluster B.
I seriously wonder how much information and data is out there that we have no idea that it exits - while we are mass fed with wrong information by society and videos like this from Julien.
He has the opportunity to spread the correct and deep information about social anxiety to millions of people - and all he does is spreading wrong information that social anxiety is being sissy.
Mind boggling.
---
@markbtw7987 " it's easy to understand why most people who want to conquer their anxiety give up"
Desire to conquer anxiety leads to anxiety.
What you resist - persist. Jung.
" "I feel so mentally exhausted from that yesterday"
No.
We feel exhausted not because of time - but because of toxic people and toxic ambient which we endure due to finances, third party, lack of resources, lack of knowledge and lack of correct data.
"prospect of putting yourself out there again,"
We don't "put ourselves out there" due to unprocessed trauma. Not because we are weak, sissy, abnormal, feminine, inferior, sick or whatever. It is trauma which is not recognized and trauma that is stuck inside our body. Levine, Gabor Mate- google them.
"This is why most people fail at everything they set out to do"
Failure is natural part of life.
We are not machines. We are not perfect. We are not gods. We cannot be perfect, by our own design, we are limited. to believe that we must be without failure is Toxic shame being internalized inside us, due to ACoA ACE trauma childhood where we were exposed to untreated mentally ill people around us who passed their paranoia and toxic shame onto us through a series of Operant conditioning toxic ambient system.
"Your habitual subconscious will fight you"
Trauma does this. Not our brain. Our brain is not abnormal for reacting to abuse.
IF we start to believe that our brain is some kind of a separate entity from us which is secretly trying to harm us - we will dissociate and develop schizophrenia and personality disorders.
"You must hold yourself accountable"
We must hold toxic people accountable. Not us.
If we are not serial killers, if we are not anti-social meaning if we do not wish hidden covert harm and when we do not have hidden agenda to harm anyone - there is nothing inside us that is broken or sick nor abnormal that we must feel ashamed or guilty about to put it on trial courts and stigma or inquisition trials to self flagellate ourselves.
You are filled with toxic shame. And you spread it to others.
You are spreading Julien's message that we are sissy feminine sick and abnormal and that we must create fake grand narcissistic alfa macho façade self mask image to appear strong in other people eyes and that we depend on other people to approve and validate our strong fake self.
"your subconscious has gone from fighting you"
Nope.
It is trauma. Trauma is being unhealed. That is causing what appears as inner critic.
"slowly exposing your body to a substance that it thinks is poisonous"
IT is poisonous. Toxic people are poison. Narcissists are poison. Anyone based on toxic shame is poison.
"If you want your body to accept it, you must consistently increase your exposure "
Nope.
Like Rush Stockton's submersible - if the vehicle is based on carbon fibre (toxic shame) - it will implode under deep sea pressure. Implode like any other QuietBPD (social anxiety) person.
Trauma makes us unable to withstand social pressure. Trauma. Not our body, nor our brain - our body and our brain are fine and normal and healthy. It is trauma, external element which is inside us like a virus that must be anti-doted.
"So the people consumed the milk"
This lactose is False Equivalence Bias.
You are comparing apples and oranges that appear as the same to you just because of same size and being round, but they are not the same.
"creating a perceived necessity"
Nope.
Social anxiety is not issue with power will or will power.
It is trauma.
Instead of self blame and self flagellation which your toxic shame propels you to abuse and symptomize and weaponize your reactions against yourself - we need to self accept ourselves and to validate ourselves and our experiences.
--
"I feel people who are more honest and conscientious have to accept the role they play in this."
Then they accept their role, they are labeled as Autistic, ADHD, Quiet BPD and Socially anxious by CBT and DSM and toxic society.
Pathocracy is also inside medical industry creating Martha Mitchel Effect all the time.
--
YT "The world’s biggest problem? Powerful psychopaths. | Brian Klaas"
This is like watching a mystery crime novel unwrap and we actually see Who done it in our own lives and our own society.
All the time we are in the role of butler, accused for being someone to blame, and we end up with CBT diagnosis - while the true culprit of the crime lies in the power hungry monsters.
---
Problem is when abused targets of abuse seek psychological help, CBT tells them that toxic people do not exist and that they are hallucinating social anxiety and that it is their own mind that is creating problems through cognitive distortions and that we must change and fix our thoughts whenever we are abused - or get into assertive confrontation with someone who is pathological liar and criminally insane - and potentially can destroy us without thinking twice just for speaking the facts.
---
Don't listen to people like Julien. They explain social anxiety as abnormality, as sickness, as being feminine or sissy , unmanly and that we must repress it and pretend to be strong.
That kind of explanation is Toxic shame and it leads to personality disorder and mental illness.
The reason why we have social anxiety issues is because of trauma. That has nothing to do with being weak or unmanly - it is trauma -
we were exposed to survival mode situations with really damaged people - and this has nothing to do with being strong or weak.
If we equate our emotions with our worth - we will learn to suppress our emotions - and this can be extremely dangerous since our logic cannot make the best decisions in life without considering our wants, needs, experience, hurt, pain, desires - we need all the picture in order to bring the best and healthiest decisions in life.
Also, if we suppress our emotions - we will start to hurt others around us and may end up in prison or isolated and alone.
--
" the only way often is through and through confronting and exposing..."
That is called Repression and denial, it is unhealthy and it leads to mental illness, psychopathy and narcissism.
--
"we are conditioned to the point where you/we have to cry because society and wearing masks "
Yet in the same time you support Julien's instruction to wear mask and to become screaming hysterical Karen and to abuse other people around us by pretending to be super confident all the time by pretending to be fake persona.
---
" really worked hard and grown"
Denial and suppression is not growth at all. IT is Regression and it leads to mental illness and building a fake persona of grandeur and superiority.
---
(11.9.2023)
" Their bad decisions are on them, not us."
Are you saying that if you work as Safety Officer for Rush Stockton, that you would shut up and never protest his decision to send people in carbon fibre submersible to explore Titanic wreck?
Dude, your silence would be enabling his mass murder.
This is topic here - are you feeling compelled to help others , or are you obsessed about control and being fine that you have no control at all and do nothing about it in life?
--
"julien never said anything about being manly or not though."
His whole concept is based on screaming and not being silent, as if being quiet and shy is abnormality.
"he is literally a certified coach? "
You committed logical fallacy:
"An argument from authority, also called an appeal to authority, or argumentum ad verecundiam, is a form of fallacy when the opinion of a non-expert on a topic is used as evidence to support an argument or when the authority is used to say that the claim is true, as authorities can be wrong."
"and he is really supportive."
Good intentions are path to hell, you ever heard of that expression?
I never heard him to say it is okay to be scared. IT is okay to be silent. It is okay to feel panic symptoms - and you DON'T have to fix it. You don't have to pretend to be strong, since social anxiety panic trauma is not about being strong nor about pretending to be screaming Nancy.
With his approach he is telling us that social anxiety is abnormality which must be fixed. This statement is extremely damaging psychologically. Because it tells us that the reason why we are abused by psychopaths is because of some defect in our brain.
Our brain will process this kind of approach as toxic shame, as I must improve in order to be strong. That will not happen. Our brain is not working that way. Normal healthy sane human brain works on validation and acceptance. Anything else leads to psychopathy, mental illness, narcissism and abuse.
All our emotions are valid. If we decide to suppress certain emotions which are painful - especially those which are result of social pressure such as mobbing and bullying and psychopathic abuse - those suppressed emotions will fester and become trauma. In psychology this is called Dissociation and Denial, it is dysfunctional ego defense mechanism.
Our brain needs too information and all available data in order to come up with best decisions in life.
When we develop psychopathic traits such as blocking emotions - we won't be able to function in best regard - and then we will make bad decisions in life which will not make us feel good nor aligned to our goals.
Suppressing emotions works only for psychopaths because they don't care about human being since they lack empathy - they don't have inner mechanism that would signal that there is something missing or lacking in human contact. So when we block our emotions, we will become unhealthy - since our brain is working normally as normal human brain works.
Fake mask, fake persona, rigid mentality, not being open, being isolated - leads to distortions, as much as in physics that much in psychology too.
---
(11.9.2023)
"The protector is that energy that stifles you"
That "energy" is RSD, Complex Trauma and Quiet BPD all caused by ACoA ACE Developmental trauma (being exposed to criticism 24/7 while growing up.
It is protective and totally normal energy and it does not stifle us.
What is stifling us are toxic people, predators psychopaths and narcissists roaming free instead of being in mental institutions.
That is why Social anxiety is called social+anxiety. IT is not called Self anxiety. We are not afraid of our anxiety - anxiety gets triggered by toxic invasive and aggressive mentally ill evil people in our ambient.
When we are one-on-one there is no protector energy. When we are online, there is no protector energy.
If protector energy exist - it would be here all the time but it's not.
That is because this "protector energy" is trauma, unprocessed shocking events which we suppressed in order to be "confident", "strong", "normal", "macho", "manly".
"I wish I could just scream"
Normal, healthy, sane people do not scream.
Random screaming is personality disorder and it comes long with Impulsive Borderliners and Cluster B psychopaths.
"I can't scream because in subconsciousness there all all these protectors"
That is Operant Conditioning, it is hypnosis, programming to fawn and to be quiet and to be people pleaser - enforced through punishment and reinforcement and Shaping through narcissistic abuse.
"Banishing aspects of you"
Being quiet and not able to scream is you. That is you, under survival mode. That is not abnormal self.
Abnormal self would be a serial killer.
"This energy blocks you from screaming, it thinks it is helping you"
Again, energy is not the problem. It is toxic people who are in unfavorable Power Dynamics and psychopaths who use Coercive Control. Our behavior is not problem - it is toxic people who abuse others that is true problem.
"Let go of it"
When we suppress parts of ourselves that is called Jung Shadow and these parts which we reject will become mental illness - since we won't be integral person.
If we let go of our persona that is quiet and submissive when captured and in hostile ambient - toxic people will destroy us for being a rebel and even for being normal and talking regularly.
--
He is simply teaching victims of abuse to self hate and to think that emotions = self worth.
He is teaching Dysfunctional ego defense mechanisms such as Denial and Suppression and Dissociation.
---
"I can now be that social person. Interesting person in the room."
That is being fake. Masking. Plus,
Glib charm is trait of psychopaths.
When we are Masking - that is draining our energy and we will believe we are abnormal for being different from others. That is not love, that is self hatred.
Pretending to be something we're not will cause Toxic shame and that is road to mental illness.
I do not know how old you are - but as you get older you will discover that there is no multi-meter that measures how much is some person "interesting"-
that is impossible task,
We cannot please every single person in the country.
What is interesting to 50% of people, to the other half it is annoying and irritating.
Not all people thinks the same and there will always be someone who thinks opposite than majority.
Trying to please others and to seek validation and approval from others is narcissism and codependency. More of self hate - that is not self love at all. It is also called External Referencing locus of control - since perception of what other people think of you will be your god, your goal, your laser sharp focus and basis for making any kind of decisions in life - and it leads to hypervigilance and more of social anxiety issues.
When other people dislike what you say - you will feel depression. Your emotional state will literally depend on caprices of other people.
Instead of trauma bonding - there is intrinsic locus of control - where you do not depend on approval of others but you are guided by common sense, rational and emotional mind of your own experience and ethical and moral standards you have inside. That is healthy.
Depending on other people to feel happy is codependency and it is unhealthy.
---
There is no cure for social anxiety. Without social anxiety we would be psychopaths and hurt other people since there would be no empathy.
Social anxiety trauma is not fear. It is Operant Conditioning similar to fear to untrained eye, someone uneducated in psychology.
Operant Conditioning of social anxiety trauma starts in dysfunctional ambient being exposed to narcissistic abuse of criticism while growing up 24/7.
If we "let go" of our emotions and our experiences without processing them - it means Dissociation - and that is path to Delusions and inventing fantasy world which can end up as serious mental illness.
--
If he performs untold experiments on people - that is a scam, it is unethical and immoral,
it is psychopathic.
--
Social anxiety is complex trauma and it has nothing to do with shyness obsession with confidence.
---
People generally always make anything in life to make themselves proud.
Nobody is living like Diogenes, making fool of themselves in the public.
---
YT "Understanding Social Anxiety Disorder
"
Social anxiety disorder is after-effect of being exposed to narcissistic abuse. It is normal reaction to abnormal people like psychopaths.
CBT is therapy of ableism and pharma mafia making money profit on victims of abuse.
---
"Spotlight"
Narcissists, psychopaths do not think about themselves at all - they are obsessed to find victims to parasite and abuse on since they are parasites.
Social anxiety issues stem from exposure to narcissistic abuse.
"Embrace your imperfections"
Is hard due to Operant Conditioning of abuse.
"Fixate on tiny mistake. Stop that"
Operant conditioning. When we are programmed, when we are in hypnosis - we cannot press imaginary button and stop virus behavior instilled by abusers and psychopaths.
---
YT "Overcome Social Anxiety: The Simple Method | How To Do Exposure Therapy For Anxiety
"
"Social event, small talk"
This is shyness issue, This is NOT social anxiety.
So you are brainwashing us with wrong definition of social anxiety right from the start.
Look it up - social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation and fear of scrutiny. It is not fear of social events nor small talk.
Quick proof:
we won't have any problem with small talk if we are 1-on-1 with someone who we know and in psychological safety ambient,
Another example:
We won't have any issue of small talk or social event if it is online - since someone abusive can be blocked easily.
So you are misleading us with wrong definitions of social anxiety, please stop it. You are doing here incredible psychological damage to anyone with real social anxiety - since anyone with social anxiety will now believe in your explanations which are not true at all. Now all socially anxious people will interpret their natural stimuli processing emotions as abnormality and sickness - they will quickly label their adrenaline rush as sickness. Because you are providing here wrong depiction of social anxiety.
Social anxiety is being stuck in toxic job with mobbing and without means to quit job due to finances. That is social anxiety.
Talking to someone is not social anxiety, that is shyness department.
"That fear and dread"
This fear does not come out of its own. We did not caught social anxiety randomly walking in the street neither we were border so we invented panical fears out of sheer boredom. This fear and dread is actually trauma and it is called Complex Trauma and RSD and Quiet BPD and it stems from exposure to ACE and ACoA childhood narcissistic abuse exposure.
Fear and trauma are not the same - they appear with same symptoms but they are not the same.
"You end up highlight reel in your mind"
Trauma, unhealed unprocessed trauma that has triggers and flashbacks.
"Your brain will encourage you to avoid these situations at all costs"
As it should. If we are not toxic job - it is natural to avoid psychopaths getting close to us. It would be abnormal to let narcissistic abusers inside our private thoughts and lives.
"Prove your brain it is free to live"
What is the proof is that we are inside Shame Culture country and everyone is narcissists psychopath or simply abusive and rude to others? And we don't have money nor visa to relocate to magical fantasy narc-free country like UK? What then Sherlock?
1:18 "It doesn't really matter what originally caused your anxiety"
It does. It does matter a lot.
1:47 "You acquired stong association to events in the past"
That is totally normal reaction. And what happens when the same events repeat in the present due to toxic ambient?
3:02 "How you choose to think and act today"
Jesus Christ. When people are evil - it has nothing to do with how we think nor act. Evil people are evil because they are sick and abnormal. Just because you are heterosexual white male - it seems from your perception that you are controlling ambient and people and emotions - while in reality it is privilege and entitlement, having money and being born with silver spoon in your mouth - that is providing you with emotional regulation.
Plus your white str8 penis is opening doors - which everyone else without it - do not have.
White heterosexual male in this toxic society will get job quicker than anyone else, he will be less abused at the work and his paycheck will be higher than others. Which means less social anxiety by default.
So such person can pontificate others like you do- based on your luck to be born with white pee pee - not because you have some magical superior skills in psychology to regulate yourself.
3:52 "Pathways to rational thinking"
When we are abused - we are in survival mode and amygdala hijacking. This is completely normal. IT would be abnormal not to feel emotions at all - that would be psychopathy.
4:53 "Small talk"
That is shyness. Not social anxiety.
Social anxiety can be Functional. Masked. Yet trauma is still inside.
Like Michael Jackson - he had severe social anxiety yet his was Functional: he performed in front of billions of people without trouble. Yet his unprocessed trauma (which you claim is irrelevent) ended in tragedy for him. Prince - the same story. Whitney Houston and her daughter - the same story.
6:36 "CBT"
CBT is ableist therapy based on bias and Selective perception and Dispositional attribution.
CBT completely ignores Neurodiversity.
"People expect the quiet one to adapt to the loud people but not the other way around"
8:19 "start noticing and challenge thoughts"
This leads to more anxiety.
Ironic process theory / The Pink Elephant Paradox
trying to suppress a thought is likely to make it more intrusive
This ends up as PureOCD.
What we resist - persist. JUNG.
9:15 "Our brains don't know between imagination and reality"
Social anxiety is Quiet BPD. You never mention this at all:
These are all interchangeable:
RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) = Social anxiety = Emotional Dysregulation = Complex Trauma = Toxic shame = After-effects of ACoA & ACE = After-effects of narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, mental abuse = Hypervigilance/hypovigilance = PureOCD = Unfavorable power dynamics = Trauma response = Trauma bonding = Neurodivergence = Spectrum, not binary thinking = Amygdala hijacking = Trauma triggers and flashbacks = being criticized for something you can't control = having high moral and ethical standards and enforcing them = someone random complains about our errors when we done superhuman efforts to avoid ALL mistakes which 98.5% percent of people never invest neither physically nor mentally = toxic person complaining and expecting us to know something for the first time without mistakes = Perfectionism = Protesting: someone toxic complaining without fair assessment and basing their protest on bias and prejudice and oversimplification = Protesting: to express OUR OWN judgement and negative evaluation and holding criminals narcissists accountable for their crimes and hidden selfish agenda of exploiting others = Not conforming = Conforming (fawning) to unreasonable standards and neurotypical norms = Conforming to narcissistic abuser and psychopath who would punish us if we don't conform to their Coercive control, hidden agenda and manipulation and pathological lying = Being authentic true speaking the truth to fake people and toxic people who have hidden covert agenda to exploit others = being Agreeable (Big 5 personality trait) = being Open (Big 5 personality trait) = Being Neurotic (Big 5 personality trait) = being healthy, friendly and open to life and people = Attachment issues = Codependency = Listening to our gut feeling = Quiet BPD (PureBPD) = BPD Splitting
---
YT "The Core of Social Anxiety"
"For most of us social anxiety is all too familiar. Chances are most of us have experienced it to some degree."
When I made reddit topic about that claim - My post got deleted, a lot of commentators said I was lying and soon enough I was banned by forum.
Giving presentation is not social anxiety - this is a separate anxiety.
Avoiding mingling with strangers is Attachment issue - and it is not always connected fused with social anxiety.
"That's social anxiety"
Nope. IT is not.
Social anxiety by clinical definition is Fear of criticism and fear of negative evaluation and scrutiny. That is social anxiety.
Social anxiety can be Functional and Masked - which means people can mingle and talk and have presentation EVERY single day - and still suffer from social anxiety. That is because social anxiety is Complex Trauma, RSD and Quiet BPD.
Social anxiety is analogy of being stuck in toxic job with mobbing and without means to quit that job due to finances. That is social anxiety.
Small talk and mingling is shyness issue. Not acftual social anxiety.
Not to mention that there is a difference between social anxiety and Social anxiety disorder.
So in 15 seconds you gave us totally wrong description of social anxiety and that is called brainwashing.
Now truly socially anxious person will experience psychological damage due to your fake information - because now socially anxious traumatized victim of abuse will believe that normal andrena line rush during presentation or mingling is abnormality and sickness to cure.
Please consider that what you are doing here is psychological abuse and it is psychopathy - you are harming others with wrong information.
"Avoid telling loud noise"
If they are psychopath - it is best and sane and healthy to avoid confronting abnormal evil people. This is not disorder, this is being smart.
Now you are continuing with brainwashing.
You are programming us with guilt and shame - that we feel enough guilt and toxic shame in order to become loud and obnoxious to others instead of being silent and considerate.
You are instructing us to become psychopath.
"fear of doing something embarrasing or foolish"
This is Japanese version of Social anxiety. This is not DSM western version of social anxiety.
"Being judged critically by others"
That is social anxiety.
And this is brainwashing too.
IT is not fear of being judged by others. This CBT explanation brainwash us into victim mentality. And it is not true at all. The true definition of social anxiety is fear/trauma actually, of expressing OUR OWN criticism to others. And this occurs due to exposure to narcissistic abuse and manipulators and liars and psychopaths who hurt and abused us.
"unpleasant physical sensations"
Are trauma. Trauma is being unprocessed and it is stuck inside our body.
Complex Trauma. Quiet BPD. RSD.
"thoughts expectations and personal predictions"
This is called intelligence. This is not sickness nor abnormality. IT is being smart and using the brain.
Like not being obsessed with feces or genitalia like 90 percent of population.
Neurodivergence.
"Avoiding social situations"
Is totally normal reaction to abnormal evil monsters. IT is not sicknes, not abnormality to cure.
IF we are not serial killers, there is nothing to fix in our brain.
"CBT are most effective"
Ableist CBT is effective to whom? This is a lie. Selective perception.
Socially anxious people will give up with ableist biased therapy and tell they are cured in order to stop ineffective therapy of misdiagnosis and hypercognition (labeling anything as sick that moves). That quiting of toxic therapy merely appears as "effective" in CEO managerial statistic reports. Due to socially anxious people being sick with CBT ineffectivness and lobotomy.
4:03 "People react to their beliefs and interpretations concerning these situations"
So when Jews been slaughtered in Nazi regime - concentration camps were fantasy?
This Moral Relativism by CBT can be turned around - then it means that what CBT is explaining and defining as Social anxiety is not reality - it is a mere false beliefs of corrupt medical industry based on profit, not care for patients and victims of abuse.
4:11 "Perceive social situations as threatening or expect negative results"
Let's cut this CBT BS.
So Sherlock - what happens when social situation IS REALLY threatning? When we live in Serbia where cocaine mafia is running the police and judicial system and you can only get job if you pay to get it - with money you don't have. What then?
What happens when we live with person who poops in our bed and contemplate fake trial to destroy our career and to steal our money by labeling us as rapist?
What then Sherlock?
What happens when there are real negative results - AND WE CANNOT MOVE nor relocate?
What then? What is that called when we are inside narcissistic abuse and we experience trauma and physical symptoms of panic? What then? Do you have answer to this?
4:17 "They commonly hold beliefs I need everyone to like me"
You are describing Quiet BPD yet you never mention it at all. You are describing RSD rejection sensitivity dysphoria - yet you never mention this concept at all. Why?
Why are we not exposed to truth? But you use media time only to talk about lies from CBT profit making industry.
Your CBT video does not help at all.
IT only spreads panic and instils victim mentality and adds more anxiety which was not present before.
Please stop it.
---
"BUT have u even watched his videos?"
I watched him now for 2 years.
"He says feel the discomfort and stop letting negative thoughts affect you"
This does not work in real life. It is like saying drink a water and don't go to bathroom later on to pee.
"He even says that we should feel and accept all our emotions"
He is saying one thing and he is SHOWING another thing - to suppress being quiet and nice and civil by screaming.
"He says to be ourselves"
He is literally brainwashing people to not be themselves and to feel abnormal and sick for being quiet and nice.
" to this fake persona"
Screaming Karen is fake persona.
"screaming is not a male trait"
He literally connects being Viking with screaming - obviously you have not watched his videos at all.
", he uses it as a technique to trigger the negative thoughts"
Well that technique is a crap and it does nothing but to dissociate and to build fake persona.
"from a very young age we have been told to suppress our voices and be quiet(school,family etc)"
This is called Operant Conditioning - and Extinction phase is not done through random screaming. Extinction is done through absolutely accepting yourself as you are, with or without flaws.
". He never said that being quiet is bad."
Yes he did.
He clearly ashames quiet guys on stage and ashames them into screaming.
He is clearly giving message that being quiet is abnormality and sickness to be cured.
" All he said was to ask yourself WHY ur quiet."
Due to Operant Conditioning - there is no mystery why.
"Why does silence seem comforting to you?"
Why silence should not be comforting?
"And he says to let go all those emotions"
That is Coercive control. When he is ordering someone, when he is commanding someone to take steps - this is morally and ethically breach of barrier - he is now a tyrant. This is psychopathy now. No one has power and right to command other person. In psychotherapy - no one will tell you how to lead your life - this is your own personal decision and you take all responsibility of your own actions , being good or bad.
When someone is condescending and patronizing - that puts us into victim mentality and Karpman Drama Triangle where we are poor victims and people like him are Rescuers.
He is doing this only because it makes him feel powerful - he is sucking energy for himself to feel like god. That is psychopathy. He is not helping anyone - he is only sucking energy of nice and friendly people . He is like a vampire.
"YEARS to accept and stop being just a fake person."
Pretending to be extrovert is fake. He said he is introvert. Obviously you have not watched his videos at all - and you accuse me of not seeing his videos.
HE is fake, he is creating fake mask to impress traumatized people and feel mighty and powerful for controlling them. Psychopathy and fake.
" so smart "
This is 30 years of social anxiety - I was trapped in it due to false and wrong explanations of social anxiety - and people like him keep us under the veil by providing us wrong definitions of social anxiety.
Social anxiety is trauma - it is after effect of being exposed to psychopaths.
And we will keep on attracting psychopaths - since we are easy target to exploit and take advantage of.
IT is Quiet BPD. Social anxiety is toxic shame, deep self hatred and we see other people as gods. And then psychopaths will happily step into this role of god in order for them to feel good - since they are nut and evil and sick. They will parasite on our trauma and abuse experiences.
---
Problem is that unsuccessful psychopaths narcissists use this information about "Letting go " in order to suppress their abuse and feeling of guilt and shame of harm that they inflict on others.
---
YT "This is why you can't "calm down" (and what you should do instead: NEUROPLASTICITY!)"
This video does not mention Neurodivergent brain.
Literally this information would destroy Nikola Tesla inventors.
If we stop negative emotions - our brain will not receive all the information we need in order to come up with better solutions. Trolley problems like problems - which we choose less worse alternative from which all are catastrophic.
Dissociation is mental illness, not enlightenment.
Denial and suppression leads to mental illness.
If we feel that we can't calm down - this is a sign and alarm system that we are in toxic ambient and that there is narcissistic abuse and psychopaths who triggers us. The evil people trigger it - we cannot interrupt them being evil.
It is totally normal to feel toxic emotions when in the presence of evil people. It would be abnormal to ignore the danger and someone who is serial killer in our home. We need to feel fear and then anger in order to get away from evil people, not to stay around them singing happy songs and feeling relaxed around evil monsters.
---
"Okay ur right but what do I even do now?"
That is common basic toxic shame inside us.
We are deeply programmed with deep ingrained toxic shame - that there is something horribly wrong with us and that we must nitpick seek and fix that brokenness inside us.
There is nothing broken.
If we are not serial killers, if we are not anti-social - meaning if we do not have hidden agenda to harm and hurt others, then there is nothing pathological inside us.
IT is Quiet BPD, RSD and Complex Trauma -
this means: we were exposed to narcissistic abuse over long period of time, we were Operationally Conditioned to self hate ourselves and to blame ourselves automatically by default.
Then we seek honest help and psychology like CBT and Julien explain us that we are abnormal - that our anxiety is a disorder.
It is not.
It is totally normal trauma reaction to toxic people and psychopaths. Narcissists need to fix themselves.
What we need is to accept and validate ourselves.
That is Humanistic Psychology, humanistic therapy.
" my brother is also mentally ill (paranoia and ocd."
ACoA. In dysfunctional ambient we will exhibit symptoms of mental illness.
Mental illness is rare. It does not grow on tree and we cannot catch it in the street like a common cold. What we are experiencing is ACoA , after-effects of narcissistic abuse by untreated mentally ill people in authority - who were abused by their parents - so it is generational curse.
"my family has history of mental illness "
You confirm what I just wrote.
" I don’t have social anxiety as you do(I hope ur better now❤) I have some issues with self esteem and confidence."
This is Quiet BPD. Google it.
"in like 2 weeks I would have forgotten everything u said"
Yep.
Same here.
I would read CBT self help - and due to Ebbinghaus Forgetting Curve - phew it would be gone as if it never existed.
That is why it is important that we trust ourselves - that we do not depend on false prophets - so that at any time, at any moment we can rely on our brain to make best decisions in life - which are mostly Trolley Problem - they are alternatives of worse and bad decisions. For this kind of choice we really need to trust our brain and stop hating ourselves at atom deep core level, which is Quiet BPD - deep self distrust and deep self hatred that is out of our conscious logic awareness. But it makes our decisions in life anyway - bad decisions that is.
"". I’m 15 btw so you are much more knowledgeable than me and u have more experience."
What I am writing here is experience and data since 1990 - when I started to avoid and isolate myself due to bullying event in front of my home by my peers.
You are too young.
You cannot do anything now. The best solution is to leave narcissist and toxic ambient- but as anything in life - we can't. Due to finances, due to age, due to third party (taking care of your ill brother). This stuckness in toxic ambient is common theme - and that is causing social anxiety and as you call if self confidence issues.
All you can do now - is to learn and educate yourself about social anxiety.
I wasted 33 years on false information about social anxiety. That is why I write here.
I do not want others to be stuck in decades of self blame and self hatred and false brainwashed belief that our emotions are abnormal and that our brain is sick for not feeling confident.
---
"people make choices, and not always with other people's wants and needs in mind."
Moral Relativism.
You are making it was all a dream scenario, where we must declare our reactions to psychopaths as our whims and caprice and shut up about it, just because "everybody else is doing it".
Moral Relativism leads to tyrants being in power.
You really need to rewatch this video all over again, try to focus on what Brian is actually talking about.
Turn on the subtitles and pause.
You missed the huge chunk of data that the explained in this video - and psychopaths are not easy to detect and that our easy going attitude and forgiveness is rolling out red carpets for psychopaths.
---
" any criticism or judgement that is thrown at me is something I internalize for a period of time"
I called this Social anxiety for a long time.
Then I learned new concepts -
it is also called Rejection sensitivity Dysphoria.
And Quiet BPD.
Once we know the concepts related to criticism sensitivity instead of self blame we can actually see criticism as Feedback, Peer review and it helps to improve our blind spots or if non constructive it is actually a Coercive control - someone psychopathic trying to control us and shut us up.
---
This was what Brian was talking in his video.
We can go through life operating with our rational mind - it will take a lot of processing time, it will hurt, everything will be painful Trolley problem.
OR we could actually use Heuristics and make mistakes - and like not trying to be perfectionist and then police other people for not being perfectionist themselves.
I think you really need to give another watch of this breakthrough video.
I think this video about psychopaths in power is the best video in 2023.
It explains everything which victims of psychopaths have struggled with it answers so much unanswered questions.
---
(12.9.2023)
"I never know why i have social anxiety "
One hint: social.
It is called social+anxiety. Hence, anxiety stems from the toxic society - it is external factor - toxic people, psychopaths and narcissists who are covert and appear as help or even service. If we do not know this basic fact - we will tend to self blame ourselves and we will be confused why we feel anxiety in social settings.
" i heard so many people say that it's b4of traumas "
Well think about it logically:
we did not catch social anxiety by walking in the street. It is not being caught like a flu or common cold. We did not catch it by random brush with strangers, neither we get it in psychological security where people are kind to each other and where there is no hysteria, violence and abuse.
"but still didn't know what happened to me."
One of that primary trait of trauma is that it is trauma. It means it is shocking - and body and mind deal with shock by suppressing it in order to protect us, and this means we won't know that trauma is blocked inside our body. And it will come to surface as social anxiety due to random triggers and flashbacks which are similar to the original event.
". It took me a long time to figure it out."
So you figured it out?
Or you find partial items of trauma?
Trauma is hidden it shy away from us-
and it is fish in pond scenario - where fish does not know that it is in the water, because it is in the water all the time, water seems natural and there is no awareness that there is something else than water. In the same way - if we are in ACoA ACE ambient since childhood we won't have any idea that relentless criticism and blame is causing trauma.
"It helps so much when you know."
This is tricky.
When we seek self help and CBT to explain us what is wrong - ableist CBT will explain it as hallucination and it will misdiagnose us. So - we need to educate ourselves from multiple resources and there is another huge problem.
Psychopaths and narcissists will be found at any wound because they are parasites.
This means - when we are needy and when we need help - there is extremely high chance that the person or media that is trying to "help" us is actually misdiagnosing us and telling us wrong explanations - whereas with mental issues we are in inferior position - we cannot protest but be in student position to listen to authority.
That is why we need to learn anti-psychiatry in order to recognize psychopaths who will tell us that mental issues like anxiety is will power problem and that we must become "strong". That is how psychopaths and narcissists use us up as their supply for their ego and power hungry complexes that they have. Basically they are vampires and we are fresh supply for them to drain on.
---
"Protect your inner child from the nasty voices from your past"
This is EXACTLY why we have inner critic - it is protecting the inner child UNCONSCIOUSLY by using subconscious tools which are counter-intuitive to the logic.
For example - like Jim said in the video - it is first the voice to take a wine to relax and then it is criticism of drinking a wine for being alcoholic. It is our survival mode brain molded in ACoA ACE childhood that is using tools given by untreated mentally ill parent(s) - and it comes out on surface as inner critic.
Inner critic is protection of inner child by using unsuccessful and dysfunctional tools of dysfunctional authority figures from our childhood.
In childhood we were suppose to be in psychological safety - in times when our persona was forming and suppose to receive validation and nourishment and mirroring to grow into healthy adult. INSTEAD the child growing psyche received relentless criticism 24/7 ALL THE TIME. Now we are stuck with inner critic that protects our inner child - through high neuroticism.
We need to educate ourselves about this - because if we don't we will come up with wrong explanations which will do more damage on top of the existing one.
Instead of protection - which we have a lot through error finding inner critic - we need validation and acceptance. Unconditional and absolute self validation. This only can be done through Humanistic psychology. CBT is doing incredible psychological damage by giving wrong explanations.
---
What will help is to deeply at our core being accept and validate ourselves. Fully and with all our errors and mistakes.
--
CBT for decades explained inner critic as hallucination and abnormality in the brain.
Finally the Humanistic therapies are coming back alive - where it is clear that issues stem from trauma and abuse in childhood. Not faulty brain.
---
Inner critic is Operant Conditioning.
It is not separate entity - it is tool, mechanism, hypnosis programming by untreated mentally ill people around us who injured and traumatized us.
---
" Do you think panic attacks could be self sabotage ?"
Yes and no.
It is not deliberate self sabotage.
IT is trying to help us to feel safe but in doing so it is creating damage.
Think of it like firefighters trying to water down house on fire but in doing this process of extinguishing the fire inside the house they do collateral damage to safe objects around it which are not in flame, not caught in fire.
WE need to change our mentality and explanation of inner critic.
IT is not separate entity and it is not something to hate and to suppress.
That approach will make things worse. We need to accept all our rejected parts (John Bradshaw, Jung, Freud). Dark shadow - it needs to be integrated inside us.
We are explained through popular media that Jung Dark Shadow means crime and violence - it is not. Dark Shadow is annoying and irritating aspects of ourselves, our errors, flaws and imperfections - which we need to validate approve and understand and listen to.
If we dont - what we resist - will persist. Jung.
---
The criticism is so ingrained that we don't notice it at all unless someone points out Complex Trauma as culprit.
The criticism involves things which are outside of our control and it is reinforced with hysteria, anger, mood swings and mania. The criticism will be programmed inside us that we will feel responsible to fix other people when they have issues and when they are angry - we will feel responsible for their own problems and emotions.
It is Quiet BPD and we are never diagnosed with it - so we keep on blaming ourselves and we stay stuck with toxic people who are similar to the ACoA ACE ambient we lived with since childhood.
---
"No. It’s called introspection. I reject your labels."
It could be BOTH in the same time.
Labels sometimes disable,
but sometimes without knowing what is happening - our darkness and ignorance make it worse. Especially someone programmed to blame oneself for anything going wrong about them.
---
So if we live in ACoA Ambient toxicity where untreated mentally ill parent is criticizing us all the time 24/7 relentlessly and blame us for things outside of our control and for being in error for doing something for the first time and making drama and hysteria and punishment out of not being perfect - we will develop this salience issue - where we will be preoccupied not to make mistakes and to calm down the angry person. Our mind will become socially anxious - with inner critic which is making us pay attention to details and feel guilty and shame if these details are not perfect.
---
I learned about Complex Trauma in 2020. Until then I was following and reading and doing CBT for 20 years. CBT is found in self help books and online articles and videos.
It was only after I learned about CPTSD that it occurred to me that I was not hallucinating the abuse. For 20 years I was convinced due to CBT messages - that feeling fears and panic around toxic people - is not my fault neither it is abnormality - it is normal reaction to abnormal people who are evil and psychopathic.
And still - even with discovery of Complex Trauma it took me 3 years that I start to actually CATCH the abuse - the criticism. I never noticed it before - since it is like fish in a water - fish is not aware it is in the water since this is ambient since birth.
So nitpicking and constant relentless criticism and fault finding - feels like normal day to anyone who was born into it.
I have no idea why CBT is holding AcoA away from us, as if we are not allowed to know about trauma and narcissistic abuse - and instead we must be hooked on CBT wrong explanations that the problem is in our "will power".
I am more shocking that nobody is shocked by ablest CBT at all.
I write about it and nobody gets mad about CBT.
---
"But he is brave"
For the millionth time, social anxiety is not the matter of bravery nor cowardness. IT is not a matter of being "strong" nor it is a subject of being weak.
Social anxiety issues are Operant conditioning - being born in dysfunctional home with parents like Julien who are dysregulated themselves and they regulate themselves through perfectionism, fault finding and toxic shame of anything that appears "quiet" and "non confident" to them.
IT is narcissistic abuse after-effect.
This has absolutely have nothing to do with being strong, masculine nor confident.
This is Quiet BPD issue.
You are already brave.
So called "brave" "super confident" people are psychopaths - they have abnormal brain without empathy - and that is why they appear confident and strong to us. They are not. They simply have faulty sick mind.
Being without empathy and emotions is not better - it is worse. They are not competent.
They only appear and act competent to us, due to fake mask, but they are not.
--
Because information given to us is BS and we are not told the real truth about social anxiety.
It seems as BS to you because you do not have social anxiety at all. You have narcissism and impulsive BPD which you interpret as social anxiety.
All the rest of us are abused by people like you and we self blame ourselves and we think we are sissy and abnormal and sick and that our brain is weak and feminine.
While in reality it is abusers like you who are projecting abnormality into our brain through projection.
-
Exposure does not help at all.
Exposure leads to masking. Which means making trauma covered up. Stifling down emotions leads to mental illness long term.
Exposure is great for phobia - like driving phobia.
Panic symptoms will eventually subside with time.
Social anxiety is not phobia.
It was even officially renamed from social phobia into social anxiety in mid 1990s when CBT "experts" discovered that exposure does nothing.
Exposure will work for shy people who mislabel their shyness as social anxiety. That is why it appears as it worked for you. The psychological damage in your Confirmation Bias comment is that people with true and real social anxiety will read your comment and they will feel abnormal and sick - since their social anxiety does not go away with exposure at all.
--
It is Quiet BPD, RSD and after effect of being exposed to ACoA.
If we do not educate ourselves about it we will self blame ourselves, we will self pathologize ourselves and we will tend to abuse ourselves by becoming screaming Karen, screaming Viking - narcissist psychopath basically.
--
"When I did that I've realize most people were like me, very worried about what others thought and
anxious. So they weren't even thinking about me. I realized I was not that important and I felt relieved."
Then you get mugged by them.
Moral relativism (rationalizations, self pathologizing, optimism bias) leads to tyrants being in charge.
---
Social anxiety is not shyness. IT is trauma.
We were traumatized - and forgot about it.
Now it returns as social anxiety and appears to us as being weak or coward and without confidence, which is false explanation.
--
This CBT neurotypical wrong idea that social anxiety is cowardness and fear is making social anxiety stick longer.
Social anxiety is trauma. It is not fear. It has nothing to do with confidence issues. IT is Quiet BPD - deep core self love deficit. Total rejection of core self. That comes up at the surface as "fear" and "not being brave".
---
(13.9.2023)
Inner critic is Quiet BPD issue and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
CBT and self help industry is lying to us and misdiagnose us into fusing inner critic with our personality, hence adding more fuel to the fire.
Inner critic is by product of dysfunctional childhood - it is not part of our core persona.
Our core persona is neuroticism, normal level of inner criticism. In childhood when this Big 5 Personality trait of Neuroticism was supposed to be developed - we were exposed to narcissistic abuse and psychopaths - and this is the true cause of Inner critic issues which we face as adults.
Inner critic being excessive is Complex Trauma issue. This means at deep deep core level - we hate and reject and abandon our core Self - and we replicate this hatred in daily decisions by repeating the psychopathic narcissistic abuse that we experiences as kids, when our psyche was suppose to form into healthy adult.
CBT and self help industry does not explain this at all - and instead it self pathologize us.
The name Inner critic is self pathology itself.
The better name would be a Inner Trauma Wound from exposure to narcissistic and psychopaths in childhood.
The CBT /DSM label of Inner critic suggests that this trauma is part of our persona, that we are abnormal at the persona personality level - and this CBT wrong explanation is creating immense psychological damage to anyone seeking genuine help from medical industry.
---
YT "Speak Your Mind Without Fear"
It is dangerous to equate our emotions with our self worth and personality.
So idea that fear and self doubt hold us from our Self - leads to mental illness and personality disorder.
Please allow me to explain - this is common myth found in CBT and self help industry and it causes so many unwarranted and unneeded depressions:
1) when we feel fear - this is not being sissy not being feminine. Not that being nancy boy or girl is abnormality, to begin with.
When we feel fear - all our emotions are valid. Fear is alarm system that we are inside toxic ambient and around psychopaths.
which leads to second point
2) Psychopaths are evil monsters who abuse others due to power dynamics. They are obsessed with power since they have abnormal brains.
This means - being assertive with serial killers and mass murderers and such monsters in becoming - will lead to abuse.
Narcissists have no capacity to listen to others - so talking to them is like talking to wall.
While I do agree that voice is powerful - we really need to VALIDATE and ACCEPT ourselves when we do people please and fawn to others. This is not abnormality nor sickness to cure. It is strategy to survive toxic people who are capable of doing the most horrific acts just to be powerful.
Unfortunately Western media is focused around narcissistic and psychopathic ideals of glib charm. Being quiet is observed and explained as abnormality and sickness. While in the same time being "super confident" is observed as super competent.
That is simply not true, that is lie which psychopaths spread into healthy population.
---
"classifications are for insurance billing purposes."
Yes and no.
There is some logic in separation.
Cluster A are delusional.
Cluster B are criminal.
Cluster C are anxious.
We belong in Cluster C. Not B.
Except suicidal idealizations - if these are interpreted as criminal, then yes, we belong in B, due to self abuse based on self hatred. That is criminal.
I see suicide ideation as escape mechanism, not as a weapon to cause harm and enjoy in causing harm to self. IT is escaping the harm.
CBT ought to be banned along with DSM, it is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone seeking genuine help.
---
6:09 "Initially these folks became overly attached and dependent on the caretaker."
Why?
Behavior does not happen on its own. It did not fall out of heaven. There is some cause and push that started this codependency. Psychopathy of parent. There is no other explanation.
When you explain that QuietBPD magically chose to be codependent just out of sheer boredom - you are really throwing fuel into fire - making things worse. If we know that QuietBPD is deep self hatred and toxic shame, I would really be careful in talking what is wrong - and not leaving it into blank shadow spot left for all kinds of interpretations.
". And that caretaker discouraged autonomy and exploration."
So you basically say that we are guilty ones. We are abnormal for being clingy and high maintenance as children. We were suppose to be adults as children and know all psychology by the age of 4 - so it is our fault to be helpless child.
I wonder how other kids - what they done to change their dippers and make food for themselves and work. How they come up with idea to be independent adult as a child?
"The caregiver restricted the investigation of your environment perhaps enhanced fear of the world outside while you contended with fear of your caregiver."
Yes. That is how codependency started. We did not come up with it, we are not inherently evil lazy slobs as you (and CBT industry) suggested and implied with your first sentence.
"So you're afraid of outside world, you're afraid of caregiver but the caregiver is suppose to look after you but keep telling you how scary everything is."
That makes sense.
"Permissive or authoritarian parenting is most common. You had no clear boundaries or understanding of what you could or couldn't do. This can lead to lack of developing an internal scale of want, should and need. We see this in adult – being unsure of decisions to make, what they want, what they should do, and what they need to do."
This also makes sense.
" Also, children seen as burden, trusted with little value so you can't develop core sense of self and value."
Yep.
"We can't blame parent"
IT is not about blame. It is about not blaming ourselves.
We will blame ourselves to the point of suicide. So deflecting blame is crucial.
Without drama and without revenge and without grudge and rancour -
CBT does not explain Polarizing thinking.
We really are allowed to be angry and not acting angry in the same time.
One does not exclude the other.
We are allowed to blame parents without rubbing their faces in their own feces that they created.
CBT does not explain this - and this way CBT is creating so much damage. Since we are left with blaming ourselves. That we were suppose to be grown up adults with full psychology knowledge by the age of 4 and that we must be this super human perfect gods who are not allowed to have grudge emotions - and if we do than we are bad person for having angry valid emotions towards psychopaths who pass generational curse onto children.
10:56 "You want to assert yourself"
Oh no.
CBT.
"Assert yourself by asking what you want"
You don't get it.
You don't understand it.
Quiet BPD is not about being mentally challenged so we have these"fears" that make us shy and obedient and people pleasers. That is CBT limited view based on Dispositional Attribute bias.
When we assert ourselves - Operant Conditioning is activated. That is first problem.
This means - our voice will be silences, the rush of andrenaline will block any speaking out.
Secondly - people who trigger us into "non - assertiveness" mode are psychopaths.
We do not get triggered by normal healthy and sane people.
So you do not understand how abuse works.
ACoA.
We will detect mentally ill evil people who are capable of punishment just for us speaking the truth.
This means being fired at the job or getting back stabbed.
It is great when we live in NY or LA and we can get another crappy job in 2 seconds, but for the rest of the world - finding finances to pay rent and food is not so easy nor straightforward.
In Eastern Europe corrupt countries like Serbia, Croatia or Albania - jobs are filled with mobbing and the state is ran by cocaine mafia psyhopaths - so there are no workers right nor anti-mobbing laws nor judicial system is operational at all.
So being assertive in toxic ambient is the same as being suicidal - it is destruction of our core safety and ability to support ourselves in life.
Please you need to study beyond CBT. CBT is ableist, limited therapy which is narcissistic itself and unrealistic and egocentric, closed in corporation mindset where psychopaths do not exist.
"If you ask clearly"
Then you will be punished by psychopaths.
This does not occur to you because you are white heterosexual male born in privilege and entitlement since birth. Like blue eye in Jane Eliot Exercise from 1968. So you really do not see what abuse is happening to those who are not like you. So it is easy to be patronizing to you - because as white heterosexual male - you will always find another job quickly, much faster than anyone else who is not privileged white heterosexual male. Also your paycheck will be much higher than others - so you will able to regulate yourself much easier. And thirdly you will experience considerably less mobbing situation at job or in life in general - just because you were born with white penis that gets erection on vagina. All of us others - we do not have the same entitlement and privilege of being assertive and saying no to people around. Unlike you, we do not have rich parents who payed our University. So we do not have power behind saying no, there is no safety net which you have simply by your birth right of genitalia you were born into.
What makes me mad that in 2023 I need to explain this to full grown adult.
Another issue is this condenscending and patronizing attitude which CBT brainwashed you to believe - that we are some dramatic neurotic people who don't use their brains but run around hysterically without being able to say no or being assertive. While in the same time CBT completely ignores Situational Attribution.
"Reinforce- rewards. You want reward the person ahead of time by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need. And also if you have to you would clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you need."
When I did this in real life - I was literally thrown out of the car by driving instructor whom I told I cannot drive when he screams and yells at me. It did not help at all when I told street hooligan to stop hitting me. This ended in public humiliation and hatred and stigma of myself by authoritarian drunkards when I said to them what I wanted in army during obligatory service. Also - it always ended up in screaming and yelling at random events when the other person was rude and aggressive and intrusive.
So - this CBT approach does not work in real life, with psychopaths - who trigger our panic in the first place.
"Just explaining clearly what you need and reinforcing by being clear"
This does not work with narcissists nor narcissistic abuse.
This does not work in real life.
This is CBT fantasy - and it is condescending fantasy by CBT.
"Negotiate"
Toxic people do not want to negotiate. They want power.
"World rarely works that way"
No $hit Sherlock.
"It is better to get 70 percent than zero"
With narcissists - who cause Quiet BPD symptoms - there is always zero.
You totally miss narcissistic abuse here.
That is why CBT must be banned.
CBT is directed into self pathologizing and self blame.
---
" I'm glad to hear you talk compassionately about this"
What?
What compassion?
First he said that as babies we were too demanding and wanted special care.
That this caused us to be highly sensitive - that we are entitled and privileged as born that way.
Then he spreads CBT ideology where Quiet BPD is explained away as being drama queen hysteric Karen who is unable to speak in calm manner what he or she needs.
Ableist CBT totally ignores narcissistic abuse and psychopaths -
and the very fact that due to exposure to ACoA in childhood- we have ability to detect psychopaths much easier and quicker than the rest of population, we see through fake mask of narcissists like with x-ray vision.
Quiet BPD symptoms will not happen in psychological security safe environment ambient.
It will happen with triggers and flashbacks around toxic people. Most of whom wear fake mask to impress new victims.
---
" I live in my mind, no social skills "
This is CBT brainwashing.
CBT is giving us wrong explanations and we believe them because we are Quiet BPD without our own sense of self so we absorb other people pathological lies much quicker and faster than others.
Everyone lives in their mind. 90% of population is extremely egocentric and they never grew up.
Especially this guy in the video who thinks that his regulation happens because of psychology - but he does not see that him being born as white heterosexual male with silver spoon in his mouth - creates his regulation. Money. Not any special skills or living in the right state of mind. He is very egocentric and he learns about egocentrism in psychology - so why you blame yourself for living in your own mind since we have here the real concrete example that even someone born with privilege and entitlement and education does not know about own egocentrism at all.
HE does not understand that as his erections to vagina will give him any job at any time much faster than the rest of us, his paycheck will be much higher than the rest of us and he won't be abused at job as much as the rest of us.
In the same time he will tell us that we simply need to be assertive in order to regulate ourselves and to succeed in life.
Regarding social skills- Quiet BPD will rather harm themselves than the other person. That is empathy.
This is social skill which 80% of population DO NOT HAVE. So you have something very special - social skills - which CBT made you believe that you lack of.
CBT ought to be banned,
it is the same as if going to Nazi HQ in pre-WW2 Berlin asking for human rights.
---
I would be cautious.
He sees and explains Quiet BPD as being drama queen who can't think with own head so we need strong bulky macho man to explain us that we are hysterical Karen and that our brain is abnormal so we need to "learn" how to behave in civilized manner.
This is all ideology.
Quiet BPD is trauma, it results from being exposed to psychopaths and it gets activated with psychopaths around us - since most of toxic people wear fake mask to cover their abnormality.
To follow CBT explanation that Quiet BPD is being hysterical and that toxic people do not exist is self blame which consists the after-effect of exposure to emotional abuse which created Quiet BPD in the first place.
Narcissists in medical industry use CBT and DSM to exert control, as any psychopaths are obsessed with coercive control. Then psychopaths will explain that our reactions are abnormal and that we must negotiate with serial killers and mass murderers, as Chamberlain did with Hitler before 1939. It simply won't work - since we are not the problem,.
Narcissists and psychopaths are the only problem here.
We seek validation and acceptance - and CBT does not provide this at all - instead it places more burden and shame on top of existing one. That is because CBT is ableist therapy of misdiagnosis, since it is created by psychopaths hidden in medical industry.
---
He doesn't like to diagnose because we become our symptoms. Toxic psychiatry like CBT fuses symptoms with personality. And hence does incredible psychological damage to anyone seeking genuine help.
---
IT is important. I was lucky enough to write a diary since I was 10 and although I never wrote psychological issues in early age - there is clear pattern of specific verbal abuse. For example I cut my micro pony tail because as I wrote "others teased by that i look like sissy girl". So this is obvious red flag of toxic ambient which is homophobic, intrusive, shameful and abusing anything that looks different from the given norm.
Also after I discovered complex trauma term in past 2, 3 years - I was able to notice micro-aggression - which is another term that CBT never explained that existed - so I never had an opportunity to spot it in daily life.
This way I spot the verbal abuse from people close to me - such as accusing me of things which are outside of my control and even scapegoating me for anything that goes wrong and being blamed for doing what I was told to do in the first place a few months earlier - now became a crime to commit (for example to use certain pottery for special lunch events). I would never notice there before with ableist CBT which is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone seeking genuine help.
-
complex Trauma, RSD, Quiet BPD - it is stemming from exposure to psychopathic abuse and narcissistic abuse since childhood - ACOA ACE experiences. Where we learn to hate ourselves. CBT never mentions real abuse such as narcissistic abuse - instead it weaponizing psychiatry against us and CBT explains that we are hallucinating the abuse : that is is a "perceived slight". CBT does not explain what happens when the slight is real and when there is real abuse, mobbing.
CBT is attaching labels and stigma - it tells us that we are not strong and that we are inventing our symptoms, that we are lazy and entitled for experiencing panic in the presence of toxic evil monsters.
---
This is the same with social anxiety.
CBT and therapist of all kinds mix up shyness with social anxiety and they even don't know the difference between social anxiety and social anxiety disorder - not to mention Complex PTSD and neurodivergence or this 1994 fad Quiet BPD concept.
Then CBT tells that CBT helps with social anxiety - while in reality it only helped to shy people, not actual social anxiety which is Quiet BPD.
CBT explains away social anxiety as hallucination and that toxic people (abuse, trauma) does not exist and it it not important to learn - which makes shy people encouraged to break the ice and "cure" shyness - while everyone else is stuck with trauma that is not processed. Then shy people will proclaim in you tube videos how social anxiety is cured by going to parties and talking to a cashier. Which will make truly socially anxious drained and confused - since they tried it and it does not go away.
---
Neurotypical crap from MedCircle angered me in 2020-2023. They repeat the same CBT BS with social anxiety, too.
I wrote about it in comments, but obviously, like Rush Stockton they don't have developed importance of Feedback or Peer Review concept.
I watched their recent video with Dr Ramani where she talked about Quiet BPD - that I never heard before - and it was breakthrough video for me, so I watch MedCircle again.
---
I did unsubscribe in 2022. I tried to communicate that CBT is ableist therapy - but nobody reads the comments - obviously they see us as drama queens who are hysterical Karens and we are sheep or chicken in the farm that are used as clicks for videos and nothing more.
---
"Read “The Power Of Discipline” u won’t regret it
"
That is self abuse.
Our brain is not broken for feeling various emotions. IT would be broken if it was psychopathic without any emotions nor empathy. There is nothing to discipline.
Instead of this narcissistic abusive approach which leads to mental illness and personality disorder due to self hatred - try validation and acceptance and self love.
---
There is a meme for Quiet BPD where there is a caricature of a random man throwing gasoline into the fire mistaken it for water. And there is a caption: When non Quiet BPD tries to help Quiet BPD.
That is true.
Even they have good intentions - if they don't have Quiet BPD they will not know toxic shame self hatred part - and they will eventually hurt us by wrong information in the process of calming us down.
Like this quote:
When you tell someone to calm down – there's a Power Dynamic that's implied. “I, partner, am calm and have everything under control, and you, someone with ADHD are whacked”. That will not bode well for productive conversation.
🟥Sharon Saline, PsyD
---
When we talk truth, when we speak our mind - we will get punished for it,
That is how we ended up with Quiet BPD in the first place.
We were punished and reinforced into silence and self censorship - and this makes us easy prey and easy target for all sorts of psychopaths and narcissists around. This is something that ableist CBT does not explain at all.
Instead CBT brainwash us into self blame, as if we are abnormal difficult drama queens who pout around just because.
IT is trauma and abuse that thrown us into Quiet BPD. WE did not catch it by walking in the street. IT is not common cold flying around and waiting for to be sniffed.
---
Maybe she wanted to protect you from stereotype and stigma. Labels disable. When we believe in DSM black and white descriptions - this makes more damage than good.
Even Dr Grande says in his video that Quiet BPD is not researched.
CBT is ableist therapy and is doing so much harm for victims of abuse through pathologizing normal symptoms and normal reactions to psychopaths and narcissistic abuse.
Perhaps she wanted to protect you from weaponizing psychiatry against you.
-
Due to ACoA ACE abuse in childhood. That is why Quiet BPD will not talk.
Talk was punished in dysfunctional ambient through punishment and negative reinforcements. You can think Operant Conditioning as hypnosis or programming.
As Pavlovian dogs start to drool when they hear a bell ring, that is when we start to have panic attacks when other person is angry or in any kind of severe distress and we feel it is our fault and duty to fix their life and emotions.
--
I find it both shocking and mind boggling that with Quiet BPD we hate ourselves and we tend not to bother other people about any micro problem - and YET people still accuse us if being manipulative. Psychopaths mostly do this accusations.
I have no word for it.
---
(14.9.2023)
" I am guessing you have not seen his old stuff that got him banned from multiple countries. No need to be a psychiatrist to point out that telling young impressionable men to choke women and worse is narcissistic behaviour"
Jesus face-blue-three-eyestext-green-game-over
Thanks for info, now it makes sense why I sense something off about him but I couldn't put word what is wrong.
HE did however mention in one of his videos that he tried certain techniques in the past and that they were bad and that he learned from them.
Obviously he did not go into detail about it.
HE said it in neutral tone.
The red flag for me is his Jordan Peterson approach that we can use our will power to heal trauma. That is psychopathic approach, it shows total lack of empathy and basic inability to understand acceptance and validation.
HE also said in one of his videos that there are critics in the comments, but he never pays attention to it.
That is huge red flag -
we all need feedback. Peer Review. Inability to hear criticism is tyranny and egocentrism.
We are all prone to corruption especially if we are on any kind of power position such as teenagers and young adolescent looking at you as a god figure.
Another red flag is step by step approach.
That is indoctrination. That is ethically and morally wrong. It is coercive control when someone orders the other person what he must do in his private life regarding private matter. We all are adults - we all passed the toilette training and how we behave in public.
We all know the basics how to behave around people. We all have common sense to know what is right and what is wrong and we all learn from our mistakes.
When someone is pushing us to be perfect and do to life according to their ideology - that is huge breach of private space and private freedom. That is how corruption works - through coercive control.
Now when I think of it there is a whole bunch of red flags about him.
I do know that he is influenced by another internet guru from America, fat guy - he also makes glib charm videos, walking in the streets- but there is something off about them. IT is like they are revealing secrets but there is some kind of secret agenda behind it.
What I see is desire for power. And making money on teens and adolescents, young impressionable men as you said, who are afraid of being sissy or feminine.
I see this extortion of masculinity in alfa macho male videos, too.
---
Ad Hominem Arguments.
Study it.
Personal appearances, how they talk, how they dress, what they wear, their accent, their grammar, how they appear - these are all personal preferences which are only their own business. Not yours. It's not your business to stick your nose in other people's genitalia.
Your 'business' is only Peer Review. Constructive Feedback about techniques, task at hand, information given. That is your general social business that you are allowed to comment.
---
YT "Polyvagal Theory Self Regulation"
I dunno.
Any reaction to anxiety leads to more anxiety and OCD rituals.
What I learned from Polyvagal Theory and accompanied Complex Trauma information - is that if we are NOT inside Ventral vagal - that something is wrong.
Toxic society and CBT instruct us to self blame ourselves and that we correct ourselves in order to be "calm".
But this approach really stinks when we are in toxic ambient around psychopathic people who use Coercive control and manipulation on us - then we won't be in Ventral vagal because we are being covertly abused.
Then it would be a really bad idea to calm ourselves down and to regard our panic as error which must go through inner Inquisitions and nazi concentration camps of extinguishing the "inferior" emotions.
All emotions are healthy - and it is unhealthy to suppress our emotions even if they are painful. We need to learn from the pain and errors - not to punish it. If we punish ourselves for having mistakes and errors and neurotic reactions - we will develop Moral injury and toxic shame and Rejection Sensitivity and Quiet BPD, all sorts of mental issues.
IT is said:
Control is a dangerous thing. And errors, errors are what is the real expression of the individual. Because if Picasso puts an eye where it shouldn't be, one sees it more clearly that if placed where it should be.
Jean Cocteau
So basically in real life example -
let's say we have bunch of dollars, we are billionaires. And we want to see Titanic wreck. So we go to some millionaire who makes submersibles from iron fibre and offers "fancy" rides to Titanic wreck. We are then in contact with him and we learn we need to sign a death contract and we might see videos and articles that this guy does not pay much attention to security nor safety - but in conversation with his glib charm he calms down our neuroticism and feelings of anxiety and that something is off.
So basically - if we destroy our fears and anxiety - we just might end up imploded while ignoring our common sense and gut feeling that something is wrong with carbon fibre submersibles and psychopaths who use glib charm to deflect criticism.
We need all our emotions to come up with correct decisions in life which are sane, healthy and non psychopathic (without empathy towards ourselves and towards others).
What I discovered with Polyvagal Theory , the first lesson that I learned - is that hypervigilance and panic and dysregulation will pass. IT is like storm. We cannot control. And if we try to control it - it is like Urticaria skin allergy rash: the more we try to scratch it, the worse it gets. If we do not scratch it, it sooths down and we can use oilment to further sooth it. The important part is that we do not scratch this skin rash that itch a lot.
When we have issues like triggers and flashbacks and dysregulation which is painful - this is a sign of Quiet BPD.
Quiet BPD is severe toxic shame, produced in ACoA ACE ambient while growing up (exposed to constant relentless criticism by untreated mentally ill authority figure(s) who demanded perfection and regulation through mechanical processes like punishment and denial and suppression - instead of listening, negotiation, acceptance and validation.
And then we end up with deep seated self hatred which is out of our awareness, out of our logical mind, it is buried in subconscious, this deep self hatred and self rejection and self abandonment.
Now this deep toxic shame is causing dysregulation - when we are in contact with abusers who were similar to the ones from our ACoA childhood - toxic people who are rude, intrusive and aggressive and perfectionists.
Since toxic shame is buried down, it will appear to us as if we are having problem with will power - and that we simply must find some secret ritual to "calm ourselves down" so that we live in Ventral Vagal calm state.
We won't.
Until we accept and validate ourselves - we will have permanent deep void hole inside us - which will cause us to dysregulate often.
---
What happens when we are in Toxic ambient with mobbing?
Something we cannot tolerate yet in the same time we cannot quit toxic job due to finances. What then?
If we calm ourselves down - and stay present in the moment - there will be mobbing around us. Toxic people who will nitpick our errors, they will scream and yell - they will trigger our panic.
So we will defend ourselves we will stand up for ourselves - and psychopaths will simply find another mistake or ignore what we said, and they will tell some ad hominem personal embarrassing information about us in order to shut us up.
I would say in this real life scenario - it would be really bad idea to self regulate ourselves.
If we get used to narcissistic abuse - we will develop toxic shame, we will blame ourselves. We will believe psychopaths accusations - since they are skillful at brainwashing and gaslighting. So with regulation we will actually go along with psychopathic abuse - since we will never "lash out" in order to defend ourselves from microaggressions and relentless false accusations from psychopaths at toxic job or inside family marital dynamics.
I see that self regulation is mis-used by CBT. Self regulation under the cap of CBT is actually Dissociation and that we deny our reactions to narcissistic abuse. When we do not react to narcissistic abuse - bullies will see our silence as green light to continue abuse.
On the other hand, if we follow CBT instruction to enter into Assertiveness with psychopaths who are unable to listen to others and narcissists who are devoted to make drama and never resolve any issues since they live in delusions - assertiveness will only drain our energy since it is like talking to a wall. Plus, sociopaths will use our reactions and words and data as supply to attack us later on - since they will twist our words into lies and tools to weaponize.
What I learned about self-regulation is that we will naturally self regulate - with time and especially when we leave toxic ambient.
I see as really dangerous that we go along with CBT ideology that our emotions are equal to our self worth.
CBT explains us that we always must feel positive emotions and that we never must be upset - as if being upset means we are bad person, just because we feel upset and dysregulated.
This way CBT will brainwash us into belief that feeling panic is sign we are contaminated, wrong and abnormal - and that we must spend all our resources, money and focus into calming ourselves down.
So this CBT wrong approach is path to codependency and being stuck inside Karpman Drama Triangle of narcissistic abuse - since toxic people will simply trigger us all the time.
They will hurt us, attack us, use Ad Hominem arguments, create drama out of nothing, nitpick our errors and mistakes all the time - and we will feel natural upset - which now "thanks" to ableist CBT - we will define as personality disorder and personal abnormality which must go through the process of regulation.
CBT will brainwash us into OCD - that we have a whole set of rituals and techniques to fight anxiety. And now we will be trapped in constant survival mode of hypervigilance where we try to constantly "calm ourselves down" -
without looking a larger picture - about what is going on around us.
When we throw away CBT ideology - and actually feel the pain - we will give our brain enough information to bring better decisions in life.
When we sooth ourselves when we are in panic - we are cutting of our brain from important information data which brain needs to direct us in life.
It is psychopaths and narcissistic abuse that is causing dysregulation.
Dysregulation does not fall from the sky neither we caught it randomly by walking in the street, like a common flu or cold.
Psychopaths and narcissists use a clever set of gaslighting techniques to brainwash us into self blame and self hatred and self panic - so that we are obsessed with cleaning ourselves from "contaminated" "wrong" emotions such as panic, anxiety and adrenalines hormonal rush as reaction to rude toxic monsters around us.
I would re-value CBT and look at self regulation from totally different angle - where our inner critic is product of exposure to AcoA ambient in childhood where constant criticism appeared as normal to us since we never were given , our brain was never given whole information - and we learned to self regulate ourselves as adults whenever we come into personality clash with psychopaths and narcissists in our lives. So instead of recognizing toxic people - we prune ourselves in fantasy hope that if we are self regulated enough that then toxic people will not bother us any more.
---
YT ""Sensory Success: Self-Regulation Techniques for Challenges""
This is nothing but Masking, Dissociation and making issues to be Highly Functional (and real issues being buried down and hence fester in Jung Shadow). All these 3 approaches are Dysfunctional and lead to Mental illness.
It is normal to have all emotions - emotions are not abnormality to suppress nor deny.
If we mask our reactions to toxicity - we will end up with Rejection Sensitivity.
If we must mask our reactions to toxicity - this is a sign of narcissistic abuse and Coercive control where person in authority is a psychopath who is unable to feel empathy and narcissists who is unable to feel empathy to others.
---
YT "How to Use Self-Regulation..."
This leads to over-control where psychopaths and narcissists use Coercive control to manipulate and control others through dysregulating their victims.
Now victims of abuse will simply be preoccupied with farming self regulation while being controlled and brainwashed by psychopaths and narcissists in charge. Victim of abuse will never be aware to leave toxic ambient, it will stay in this Karpman Drama Triangle farm - where narcissists seek narcissistic supply in admiration and fear of others and psychopaths live on being in power.
---
YT "THE 5 BIGGEST LESSONS FROM THE INFJ DOOR SLAM"
Door Slam is excellent tool for dealing with narcissists and toxic people.
It is unhealthy when we use it for anyone else since it becomes seeking perfectionism in ourselves and others.
--
@dr1flush " I would say address the root of the anxiety"
Yes. But . go deeper.
"This anxiety is because you care what others think of you to much"
Why do we care "too much".
How other people care less than too much?
How much other people care?
Should we base our lives on other people?
Does the masses of people are always correct? Should we follow pre-1945 Germany masses and support Hitler just because masses support the monster?
Then there is a question about who defines what is "too much"?
What situation requires us to choose our reactions which are not too much?
What if our boss or local sheriff sticks his finger in our ass and anally rape us? What reaction to that would be too little and what too much? What if we live in a corrupt mafia run county like Croatia where the official judicial court does not think this anal rape by finger is assault at all? Should we forget about being assaulted and live in peace knowing that any psychopath can stick anything in our rectum - and police nor judicial system will do anything to protect us?
What about these real life situations of unfair and injustice require us to be not reacting "too much"?
Or should we make ourselves believe that life is a sit-com or Disneyland park where rape and assault and psychopaths do not exist - so that we create delusional world where we dissociate from reality? Would that be normal and healthy and sane - in order not to be "too much" for someone who is uncomfortable about other people being abused and system not doing anything to protect vulnerable population?
IF we react "too much" - instead of ableist CBT approach of selfblame and self pathologizing and weaponizing psychiatry to brainwash us into lobotomy and to be farm juice for psychopaths to squeeze - I would rather focus on Situational Attributions which CBT ignores, as CBT is narcissistic abuse therapay and ought to be banned.
More:
According to Dr. Lynch, people who are over-controlled have the following four core deficits:
- Lack of Receptivity and Openness: You tend to be risk-averse and hyper-vigilant. You may avoid new and novel experiences and can be dismissive of other people's input and feedback.
- Lack of Flexible Responding: You may have a compulsive need for structure and order. You plan and rehearse everything. Your life may be governed by rigid rules you impose on yourself. You may also censor yourself and other people's behavior with high moral standards.
- Lack of Emotional Expression and Awareness: You inhibit spontaneous emotional expression. Maybe you have expressions that do not match how you feel inside (e.g. you smile when you are distressed). You also tend to diminish your distress and adopt a stoic facade.
- Lack of Social Connectedness and Intimacy: You may appear distant and aloof and keep people at arm's length. You may also compare yourself with others often and feel envious and bitter.
These biology-based traits are powerful because they are unconscious and affect us without us even realizing it. Because this is an innate predisposition, you cannot will yourself, think yourself, or use more willpower to control or talk your way out of it.
(Psychology Today) The Struggles of Quiet BPD
Posted July 23, 2021 Over-control may help explain Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder.
---
There is a high chance that feeling anxiety is
1) neurodivergence - biological and nothing to cure
and
2) that we are abused and inside toxic ambient, meaning anxiety is totally normal reaction to covert psychopaths and predators of all sorts.
---
Self hatred is by-product of ACoA. Self empath is essential to heal the trauma wound. All our "wrong" decisions in life stem from covert self hatred.
---
YT "How do I STOP Attracting Narcissists?"
CBT is doing us so much damage - because CBT and DSM are defining avoiding as personality disorder and as general isolation from all people. This way anyone who is socially anxious is instructed by ableist CBT to attach to toxic people and to self blame if any negative reactions in emotions arise when toxic people start to abuse us.
---
(15.9.2023)
And it is not only physically dangerous monsters.
There are covert ones, who use psychological abuse. That is not mentioned in any CBT work nor in 99 percent of you tube videos,
CBT present panic issues and social anxiety or any anxiety as shyness - as dispositional attribution.
CBT never goes into Situational Attributions - the environment -
so CBT must be banned. IT is misdiagnosing anyone who suffers from panic.
Panic is not caught in the street like a common cold, we did not get it by falling it from the sky inside our head.
Panic has its trigger - and it is always toxic people, psychopaths and narcissists of all kinds - overt and covert ones.
CBT is silent about that. And instead it causes us to develop toxic shame and self blame and toxic guilt - that we invent panic out of sheer boredom.
---
YT "AvPD and Codependency"
Speaking from my own experience, I think CBT and DSM are doing incredible psychological damage to us. CBT and DSM describes avoidance and social anxiety as personality flaw, something that has no cause and that we simply have to have a will power to snap out of it.
So if we follow CBT and DSM - we will never discover Complex Trauma - concept which is banned by American medical industry - while it is recognized fully in WHO's ICD.11. CPTSD is not the same as PTSD. It is complex form of PTSD.
As you talk in video - yes you are correct - we are misdiagnosed.
We did not start to avoid people because we are shy nor because we have some sorts of "cognitive distortions" - which all people have in form of logical fallacies and bias.
Avoidance is Quiet BPD. Quiet BPD is not as the classical BPD. Quiet BPD is full description of Social anxiety and Avoidance. Quiet BPD is self hatred - and instead of self worth we turn to other people to order us.
Another term that is hidden from us is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. Fear of criticism.
We did not get these issues of inferiority complex on its own. You are correct - it is childhood trauma.
IT is ACoA ACE experiences in childhood.
CBT /DSM describes social anxiety as fear of criticism and negative evaluation. This description brainwash us into victim mentality. Since we hate ourselves due to exposure to abuse - we don't trust ourselves - and we (co)depend on other people to explain us what is wrong with us. So CBT will tell us that we are afraid of criticism and authority. We're not.
The fear is trauma actually - and trauma is not the same as fear.
The true description of social anxiety and avoidance is "fear" or trauma of expressing OUR OWN criticism and protest authority. That is social anxiety and avoidance. We are blocked from expressing ourselves.
So what you are doing here in this video is healthy - you are expressing yourself.
When we put it out in the open - we can see what is wrong, what is correct -and we can treat issues like a scientist in lab or Sherlock Holmes - seeking clues why something happened and is there all that is - or is there some kind of manipulation and coercive control from toxic people around us who pretend to be help or service to us - only to exploit our energy and focus.
Self hatred is toxic shame. This trauma can be healed by accepting and validating ourselves. CBT does not explain this at all. CBT explains that we need to be "assertive" with people who take advantage of our kindness, narcissists and psychopaths.
This does not work in real life. Predators are dedicated in their fantasies and control power hunger - so anything we speak to them is like speaking to a wall. In fact, anything we say will be used against us - so any interaction with toxic people ends up as being labeled and brainwashed into guilt and shame by our own words and defense.
I see our only legal weapon to regain balance and regulation is to validate and accept ourselves with all our flaws and errors, and that we educate ourselves around all the concepts which are banned by CBT and DSM - since medical industry and pharma mafia would not make endless profit if we actually heal our trauma.
---
It's called Mathew Effect - when we are down on our knees we will be robbed too (quote from New Testament where it got its name).
When we are traumatized and when we have shy issues - when we have any kind of problem in life and need and when we need help - there will ALWAYS be psychopaths and narcissists who lurk in shadow to abuse and take advantage of anyone in need. Toxic people will present themselves as Knight on white horse, our fantasy that there is some kind of perfect person who will be Superman and resolve our issues quickly. That does not exist.
We need to be aware that unfortunately we live in psychopathic world where society protects and worship psychopaths - and they will exploit us when we ask for genuine help.
---
Yep, I would then look what happens when we start to Protest and when we actually do not fawn any more.
In psychopathic ambient - we will be punished - one way or another, covertly or overtly. I would look at this punishment and negative reinforcement Operant Conditioning which is nothing else but Coercive Control. Psychopaths love power and they like to hide/mask their psychopathy behind blaming and nitpicking errors and flaws of others/their targets/anyone around them.
So if we have Quiet BPD ACoA which means automatic self blame installed and programmed into us in dysfunctional childhood, we will be perfect match to abuse - and then fawning is our only tool to cope with the abuse, manipulation and control of evil people.
So if we are "too nice" it is not a sign of our fault - but that the other person is psychopathic and cannot tolerate criticism, reality or errors of any kind, loss of control - which triggers psychopaths and narcissists loss of power.
We need to deeply learn these Dark Triad abuse tactics - it is really not our fault to be "too nice". We are simply reacting to covert evil people who charm others with glib charm and "super confidence".
---
YT "How to Set Boundaries - 6 LIFE-CHANGING Ways"
Important issues which were not mentioned in this video (nor in 90% of You tube videos about people pleasing) :
1) People pleasing is Fawning. It is trauma response. It is product of abuse.
This means there is Tyrant inside Drama Triangle who is punishing and is violent and aggressive or passive aggressive and back-stabbing. So there is evil person who is abnormal and sick and abuse us - so when we cannot quit toxic job with mobbing due to finances- the only way to pay our rent is to people please sick and abnormal psychopaths in power.
We could always choose not to please and become homeless where hooligans will destroy us if cold exposure does not finish us off first while we lay homeless in the street. It is amazing if we live in LA or NY so we can quickly find some other job - but anywhere else -we won't be that lucky.
Trauma responses cannot be cured. They are normal reaction to abnormal people and abnormal events which are outside of our control. When we try to control anything outside of our control such as an idea to "cure" our people pleasing -we will develop mental illness such as OCD and perfectionism.
2) People pleasing is Agreeableness - this is Big 5 Personality trait.
This means that people pleasing is in the genes. (DR, CLOCK genes- google it). It is not sickness nor abnormality to cure - and if we try to cure it, will develop personality disorder - since it is written in our DNA: the opposite of people pleasing is narcissism and antagonism.
3) People pleasing becomes detrimental in toxic ambient.
When we are in ambient with normal, sane and healthy people who do not take advantage of other people's kindness - people pleasing is interdependency. It means caring for other people. Without it, we would be obsessed only with ourselves and our narcissistic desires. We would not have empathy to realize that other people are in need and they need our help. It is only with psychopaths and narcissists that people pleasing becomes problem - but not because of us , but because of sick and evil people who have abnormal brain.
Like it is said in the video - we need to see who triggers our people pleasing.
In real life we will see that we are codependent on toxic people who trigger our fawning - due to finances, third party (babies or elderly to take care of), bureaucracy - such as legal papers, lack of visa or mixed property - are 3 most common reasons why we (co)depend on toxic people.
4) Fourth important concept not mentioned in video is Neurodivercity.
It is a high chance if we are having "issues" with people pleasing that we have neurodivergent brain - that we mask our unrecognized Autism/ADHD spectrum by people pleasing so that we fit in to "norm" of society, toxic neurotypical society which destroys anything that is different than the given norm.
We also might have unrecognized Quiet BPD - which is also masked - and hence unrecognized. Severe detrimental people pleasing is primary trait of undiagnosed Quiet BPD. With Quiet BPD we were raised in ACoA ACE ambient where we learned at core level to hate ourselves - which is also not mention in the video: Toxic shame.
5) Toxic shame is developed in dysfunctional ambient during childhood when our brain is being formed and supposed to grown in ambient of safety and acceptance - we instead received abuse and criticism 24/7. Toxic shame is deep self hatred where we reject ourselves due to not being perfect and due to having flaws and perceived flaws. Then when we hate ourselves so deeply - our brain will naturally turn to other people to guide us (instead of our brain) - and this means development of people pleasing - which is called External Referencing Locus of control or Trauma bonding.
Healing toxic shame means accepting and validating ourselves, all our flaws and errors
as it is said in this video at the end - having compassion towards ourselves.
---
If we suffer from people pleasing - in 99% of cases this is actually after-effect of Coercive control and it is red flag that there is actually a hidden covert narcissistic abuse going on.
Narcissists are very skillful in blaming us - and putting labels on us - and we self blame ourselves. This process is called Brainwashing and Gaslighting.
After the age of 18, if we live in West where there is democracy - if we people please in such ambient - it is definite sign that there is some kind of psychopath who is abusing us - and due to our kind and friendly nature - we are not able to see what is really going on and that we are in codependent contact with highly toxic person.
Instead of dumping such toxic person and finding another job, we will stay in romantic contact by our own free will, we won't plan to relocate - and we will self pathologize ourselves and put incredible amount of blame and shame onto ourselves , as psychopathic person instruct us to do.
---
(18.9.2023)
Social anxiety is trauma, CPTSD.
This means, that logic will not help much,
because it is Operant Conditioning - think of it as programming or being hypnotized.
You can just change programming by wishing it. Programming was done over long period of narcissistic abuse.
In the same way, healing trauma cannot help at the press of some imaginary button.
Our thinking style was molded and shaped into high neuroticism and survival mode.
---
"during covid when we only had 2 days of school a week and i spent most my time online, i had such intense social anxiety"
No.
You had intense mysterious unknown emotions which you choose to quickly label and then diagnose yourself as "social anxiety"/"socially anxious".
In reality you simply felt normal reactions to abnormal situations that have their own name in wheel of emotions labels - and it is certainly NOT social anxiety.
Social anxiety is analogy of being trapped in toxic job with ongoing mobbing where you cannot quit that toxic job due to finances and you must endure the abuse 24/7. That is social anxiety.
Not being able to going to parties and not gossip with your so called friends is NOT social anxiety.
---
Jung's Mask it not false - it helps us make sense of any given social situation.
Narcissistic mask is false - since it is rigid and it serves as a weapon to abuse other people.
---
YT "Social anxiety is a problem. #standupcomedy #anxiety #mentalhealth
"
On serious note, during 1990s when social anxiety was researched, due to researcher Bias - experts never accounted the fact that people with true social anxiety will never go to any kind of research or testing at all - due to social anxiety itself.
Then this official medical research which is basis for DSM today - was based on shy people and narcissists who mimicked social anxiety and self diagnosed themselves with social anxiety.
So CBT today is convinced that social anxiety is mixture of shyness and narcissism and the main therapy is Exposure and correcting Cognitive Distortions -
which both make social anxiety worse for anyone with true social anxiety.
Social anxiety is RSD, Quiet BPD and Complex Trauma - it is after-effect of exposure to ACoA ACE ambient while growing up (constant Coercive control ambient of relentless criticism 24/7where our natural growing up errors were nitpicked, ashamed and punished all the time)
---
"leaving narcissists alone is best for everyone involved"
OF course.
However in real life - we can't.
Due to finances,
due to third party (babies, elderly whom need our care)
due to shelter (property papers)
due to bureaucracy (visas, working papers)
due to living in shame culture country which is filled with narcissists (people who are intrusive and aggressive because that is "manly" and "cool")
---
PLUS
as Richard Grannon and Sam Vaknin were explaining in their videos -
when anyone is inside narcissistic abuse contact - there is entrainment going on.
Hypnosis.
And this means - even after the target of abuse LEAVES the narcissists - the narcissists has planted ideas in their heads, where narcissists keeps on living rent free - in the form of inner critic, triggers and flashbacks.
So they keep on influencing the decisions even after going no contact.
---
YT "social anxiety #anxiety"
It is actually RSD, Complex Trauma and Quiet BPD
but American medical industry (CBT) does not want us to know this, because we are easily farmed and milked when we have no idea what is going on inside our head after exposure to narcissistic abuse ambient.
---
YT "How to Overcome Social Anxiety: 3 SUPER Easy Techniques To Beat Social Anxiety
"
"Where you confidently enter any social situation with a calm mind and heart"
So basically you never ever experienced narcissistic abuse and impulsive borderliners in your life.
That is patronizing - your sheltered life is not proof that all social situations are safe and we can be super confident in them.
Reaction to monsters and serial killers are suppose to be anxiety ridden - emotions which are painful are not abnormality nor sickness to cure or push under the carpet. Denial and suppression and Dissociation - are not mental health at all, they are mental illness. Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
"Hacks"
If you present yourself as Rescuer - you are implying we are abnormally stupid people who need to be explained how to talk with people. That is power dynamics here, it is condescending - and you are Rescuer only because you like being in power where other people admire you. That is narcissism, mental illness.
Social anxiety is trauma of being told that we cannot rely on our brain - so healing the trauma means trusting our own devices and trust our own gut feelings and emotions - instead of depending on other people to explain us what steps we need to take in our life.
Each life is different and what helped you - will not help someone else who is in different culture or socio-economic status ambient or some other factor which is totally different from your egocentric mind.
Self confidence cannot be gained by your good wishes or instruction. Self worth which was destroyed in ACoA ambient - can only be healed by total acceptance and validation - which includes our social anxiety.
If we start to believe that we must finish certain goal posts to have self confidence - we will never reach it. If we believe that we must be perfect in order to accept ourselves - we will never be, since perfectionism is mental illness - people are intrinsically faulty and flawed. Anyone who pretends to be perfect is narcissists or psychopath = a mentally ill person.
"Social anxiety limit our potential"
Nope.
Toxic people, narcissists, psychopaths in power, unfavorable power dynamics, stigma, discrimination - that limits our potential.
"Social anxiety is mental"
This is untrue.
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety because anxiety is triggered by society. It has that name. It is not called Self Anxiety. So it is not mental. Social anxiety is alarm system - reaction to toxic people and narcissists and psychopaths and it stems from ACoA ACE ambient - being exposed to untreated mentally ill person in authority while growing up.
"Accept imperfection"
Social anxiety is reaction to toxic people who cannot accept imperfection and then punish us for us being imperfect.
Social anxiety is not Self anxiety. Social anxiety is triggered by toxic people who demand perfection. Why is this so hard to understand and grasp?
"Embrace your flaws"
Will never happen with narcissists and psychopaths around us nitpicking our mistakes.
"Create safety net"
IT is convenient to use party as an example for this,
while in real life we will be stuck in toxic job.
This safety net memories will not help when we are abused at toxic job filled with mobbing and false accusations, verbal abuse and put downs by psychopaths at our job post.
Social anxiety is not shyness, it is not related with shy neurotypical fears regarding to going to parties.
"Be the observer"
Socially anxious people are already observing social situation - hence social anxiety.
Socially anxious are in constant survival mode due to ACoA - where we observe other people like from a far like movie- this is already in force. IT seems to me that you do not what social anxiety is. You mix it up with faulty CBT explanations of social anxiety where social anxiety is shyness issue.
"Most people are preoccupied with their own problems"
And in shame culture ambient they are not, they are in fact preocuppied with putting other people down and ashaming them, nitpicking their errors and mocking how they are dressed, how they talk, their haircut, their Ad Hominem traits.
Narcissists are preoccupied in abusing other people - and social anxiety is reaction to narcissistic abuse.
"Role reversal will desensitize you to social anxiety triggers"
So you say if we live with someone like Amber who poops in our bed - that we ignore and deny that narcissistic abuse is happening - so that she can freely go on suing us and try to steal our money in false court trial by labeling us as rapist?
And we won't do anything - because we must be desensitized to toxic people- just because you believe in neurotypical mindset that injust emotions are sickness and abnormality to cure and destroy?
"Control your perception and response, makes your fears more manageable"
This does nothing when there are real life social anxiety situations such as mobbing at toxic job or narcissistic abuse in any kind of contact (professional or private one).
You described shyness here.
This is not social anxiety at all.
---
In real life narcissists and psychopaths who cause social anxiety in their targets - are preoccupied with target's mistakes, flaws and errors which they use to coercively control the target.
---
Please find better videos about narcissistic abuse from normal people like Dr Ramani.
This video is based on CBT and CBT itself is gaslighting and narcissistic abuse.
In his social anxiety video this same channel owner tells us that all social situations should be entered with super confidence - keeping this gaslighting information hidden from the socially anxious.
This way he is telling to socially anxious that feeling something is off about someone who gaslight them is abnormality and sickness.
---
YT "Gaslighting: How To Spot Hidden Signs Of Being Manipulated"
In your social anxiety video you said, and I quote
"Where you confidently enter any social situation with a calm mind and heart"
That is gaslighting of socially anxious.
You tell them that their social anxiety is being over sensitive and that all people are healthy and sane and that gaslighting does not exist.
Social anxiety is ability to detect gaslighting and you present CBT misinformation that social anxiety is just being to sensitive.
---
Plus when you seek official medical help, CBT like this video will tell you that toxic people do not exist and that your thoughts are problem, that you are perceiving slights where there are none.
---
In his social anxiety videos he says nothing about gaslighting. There he says that anyone with social anxiety is perceiving slights - and that is gaslighting. He is using gaslighting against the socially anxious.
---
Google it and educate yourself about it,
Without knowing what is going on, other people will diagnose us and manipulate us into their goals and agenda.
---
Fear of having red face - is Japanese social anxiety version. Japanese social anxiety is Fear of showing bodily reactions and bodily functions in public.
Social anxiety in the west is bullying, mobbing and narcissistic abuse exposure after-effects. Such as psychopathic kids calling you f*ggot at the first day of school. Normal healthy sane people do not call unknown kids names to ashame them and to scare them. Only psychopaths and narcissists do this, people with severe mental illness.
In toxic society, sheep neurotypical people believe that angry rude people are competent and cool.
While being silent is sign of abnormality to cure and destroy.
"F*ck everyone but I cared what other people thought about me"
"Focusing on yourself" "Stepping outside of comfort zone"
Is Quiet BPD. Quiet BPD is after-effect of exposure to narcissistic abuse and ambient of invalidation and coercive control (shaming others and abusing them with punishments and negative reinforcements) where we use social anxiety overcompensation to cover up basic feelings of toxic shame incompetence and deep sense of unworthiness.
With Quiet BPD social anxiety does not go away - it is still inside as trauma - and it will come to surface as we get exposed to toxic people through the timeline of our life. Instead of deep calm - you are obsessed with progress and appearing grand in other people eyes like going to gym and appearing not red in the face.
Challenging these "bad" ideas - leads to PureOCD and hyper-vigilance, since your wall building process of not caring about other people will grew in paranoia over time, once you get older. Delusions too.
True confidence comes when we accept ourselves as we are -
false narcissistic confidence comes with self hatred and trying to over-compensate your perceived shortcomings and toxic shame.
---
HE is teaching you to develop BPD.
Please do not rely on you tube videos to heal trauma. A lot of people here are traumatized and they "resolve" their psychological issues through mental illness like Dissociation, Denial and Repression of emotions.
Stifling down emotions leads to mental illness.
---
If you believe that you must get better , that your are not okay as you are (even though your are not anti social serial killer monster) - that chronic ACoA self hatred is toxic shame and borderline personality disorder.
---
He is teaching you to develop Quiet BPD.
Masking our trauma by becoming neurotypical - is making trauma unhealed and unprocessed. This will end up as mental illness.
---
Sometimes criticism is not bad.
For example Rush Stockton believed that all criticism is personal attack on his intelligence. So he ended up killing 4 people in his faulty submersible - for which he refused to listen to the constructive criticism.
---
He is instructing how to develop Quiet BPD - highly functional anxiety mixed with deep self hatred of toxic shame that must be covered up with costly overcompensations.
---
Quiet BPD.
You simply masked trauma with BPD techniques. You made social anxiety to be highly functional.
Social anxiety is nothing to cure. Self confidence is not something that is destroyed with social anxiety entity.
Self confidence comes with healing Complex Trauma and deflecting narcissistic abuse and psychopaths..
Obsession of stepping into fantasy person is BPD. It is fantasy similar to narcissism: fake idealized self image.
Start acting like version of you that no longer has social anxiety is BPD. This is mental illness.
It is Denial, Suppression and Dissociation. You are literally describing Dissociation here - building a fake rigid persona who is happy and chirpy all the time.
In real life - this does not work - since social anxiety is triggered by toxic society, not by our mind.
In the end - social anxiety is called social+anxiety - which means social society is trigger for anxiety.
IT is not called Self Anxiety. We are not afraid of our anxiety - we are panicked by toxic rude and intrusive aggressive people - hence social anxiety.
Starting in different way is Dissociation. You are describing Mental illness here.
Mental illness is self hatred and rejection of who we are and replacing it with fake idealized narcissistic image of grandiosity and personality of costly overcompensations.
Fake it will you make it is narcissistic credo. Borderline too.
Secure version is not the version who hate our traumatized parts who are needy and clingy.
We cannot be secure by keeping our traumatized inner child locked away in basement - as you describe it in your video.
Repressing parts of ourselves which are annoying and irritating leads to mental illness.
In certain specific situations - we need all our emotions and all our parts - being good or bad.
If we are not anti-social, if we are not serial killers, if we are not having hidden agenda to harm other people - there is nothing in our psyche that must be killed, suppressed or smothered.
When we beg people to like us - that is borderline issue, it is complex trauma issue and it is a trauma wound. It needs healing It is not personality trait.
You believe that feeling needy and insecure is personality trait - and that belief is toxic shame, that fusing of our emotions with our persona is BPD.
"Confident version" of ourselves does not exist. Confident version is Hollywood fantasy. All people are flawed and filled with cognitive distortions and insecurities -because they are human beings. Human beings are imperfect and vulnerable.
When you decide to build super human imperfect version - that is narcissism. That is fake narcissistic image - which will be prone to react with hysteria when this masked is criticized.
When we stop giving a f*ck what other people think about us - we will become Rush Stockton - who also did not care what HSE experts thought of his submersible - so he killed 4 people inside it, because he did not listen to constructive criticism of other people.
---
YT "Cure For Social Anxiety
"
So your so called "cure" is to traumatize and abuse the new generation of children with our hysteria and dysregulation,
so that generational curse pass onto the next generation.
---
YT "this is why you have social anxiety 🥲
"
And sometimes we really are not safe.
Sometimes there are toxic people who really do abuse others.
---
YT "Overcome Social Anxiety with this ONE hack 💥💯 #anxietyrelief #mentalhealthtips #stressreliefk"
Any ritual as response to anxiety leads to more anxiety.
This technique will end up as OCD, mental illness.
Jung: what we resist, persist.
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety because anxiety stems from the social, society.
Toxic people trigger social anxiety.
It is not called Self anxiety. We are not afraid of dysregulation that happens on its own.
Dysregulation happens due to narcissistic abuse and psychopaths around us.
And it is wrong to equate our normal reactions to toxic people as abnormality in our brain.
We cannot control evil people with our behaviour of being calm. This belief can also end up as schizophrenia, when we will believe that we can control other people with our brain.
---
YT "Follow me for more social anxiety challenges! (following me is a social anxiety challenge in itself)
"
This is BPD.
You simply replace one mental issue with more severe mental illness.
Now you simply do not care that you traumatize children around you and socially anxious people who are afraid of weird people doing weird stuff in public
All you care is yourself and that is another mental illness: narcissism
--
YT "Unfortunately, practicing avoidance, will not help your social anxiety"
Avoidance will help us however if we are inside toxic narcissistic ambient which we cannot leave due to finances.
In fact, this defense strategy will save our life and keep us from developing lupus and auto-immune diseases as reaction to interacting with mentally ill psychopaths and narcissists and all sorts of abusers, covert or overt ones.
---
(19.9.2023)
"Those kinds of cruel, dehumanizing attacks are on the rise."
👍
Plus education about narcissistic abuse is on the rise too.
Before, anyone caught up in bullying and mobbing - most of the time had no education about it. This means, people would mostly self blame and develop Quiet BPD symptoms such as self flagellation and self hatred and feeling of incompetence in order to keep the job and to function on the outside - so nobody would notice that there is chaos in the person due to exposure to abuse - even the target of abuse would not know what it happening.
Now when we know that if someone is abusive - that this does not mean it is our fault - and such person will not hide anymore natural reaction to abuse - such as being awkward.
Before social media and education about abuse - we would mask being abused and we would make it functional since we believed there is something wrong with our brain which we must camouflage and pretend to be "strong" and "competent" in order to compensate for the abuse.
Todays children are more educated about ADHD, Autism, neurodivergence than our generation was - and they are taught to respect different emotional states and different behaviour than the neurotypical norm (anything that is not appearing socially awkward).
So todays kids will simply be authentic and they will not hide their emotional states like we do - and it will appear as if they are abnormal and sick to us.
The problem is neurotypical stigma and labeling of introversion and being quiet as abnormality and sickness, something to destroy.
With more education - we now know that people who appear "strong" "masculine" "macho" "alfa" - are in the fake section of Dunning Krueger effect.
While those people who suffer with imposter syndrome and anxieties and neuroticism - are actually competent and intelligent.
Our toxic society worships psychopaths and see anyone loud and obnoxious as super competent - and then we end up with Russels and Romanian kickboxer abusing sexually women, and we end up with criminally insane murderers like Putin in charge of WW3.
---
"Stop. You're setting the bar so unreasonably high for what constitutes anxiety "
It is truth.
Social anxiety is not shyness.
Anyone who suffers from true social anxiety knows that it leads to agoraphobia and isolation - and this kind of fear is not some mild shyness. Social anxiety stems from trauma - and American Medical industry bans this information due to finances - makes much more profit on misleading the victims of abuse into self pathology.
" the absolute worst case scenario is not required for social anxiety to be valid. "
Yet it is true.
Inability to accept reality is narcissism.
You believe in snapshot of reality that appears valid to you - but only to you.
" You're just being a bad person right now. "
Ad Hominem argument - shows that you are incorrect. You have no argument against my thesis so you use slander. Narcissistic tool.
" Abusers gaslight victims so that the victim will make the exact type of argument you just made."
Your argument is if we Deny the abuse, then it means it never happened.
I will not stop telling the truth.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma, RSD and Quiet BPD issue.
Social anxiety stems from this exposure to relentless criticism 24/7 by covert narcissists like you:
---
"i’m a lot better, but in general i’m an anxious person"
This is what is dangerous with psychiatry - it fuses our trauma with our personality persona trait.
Our reactions to abuse are not who we are as person.
This is how CBT made psychological damage to myself - by reading CBT DSM explanations - I would be in corrupt ambient of abuse - I would feel heart beating and stress - and then I would remember self help CBT books explaining that arousal in social situations is abnormality and sickness to cure which I cause by my own explanations and that I must develop Moral Relativism mentality - where toxic people do not exist.
Then I ended up blaming myself, I would label myself as socially anxious while in the same time I would label loud, criminal, abusive people around me as super competent, super confident -
and this left me in super social anxiety - where I believed I am worthless and inept to handle life and that I must depend on "strong" and "macho" and "competent" criminal abusers around me as my guidance in life and I must follow and be obedient and listen to their commands and explanations, without protesting or alarming them to stop.
That is why CBT is ableist therapy and needs to be banned, it is doing incredible psychological damage to victims of abuse who suffer with anxiety issues due to exposure to narcissists and psychopaths and impulsive Borderliners who are interested in power and exerting power over others.
---
You tube videos are filled with "macho" "alfa male" Jordan Peterson stoic videos indoctrinations where being quiet is being described as abnormality and sickness, and where children are instructed by predators to "Show teeth" - direct quote by Jordan Peterson.
I copy paste description his video verbatim:
"Why You Better Grow Teeth - Prof. Jordan Peterson - YouTube"
"Psychology professor Jordan B. Peterson points out that a supposed incapability of cruelty doesn't make you a better person.
YouTube · Jordan Peterson Fan Channel · Aug 16, 2017"
So anyone who is normal, healthy and sane will start to feel awkward for not being able to be psychopathic and will develop toxic shame and symptoms which appear as "social anxiety" to untrained eye (most of people).
And just as ableist CBT and corrupt DSM is doing - nobody is looking at the big picture - psychopaths who are abusing children - but toxic society is focused on the victims of abuse and then labels normal reactions of abuse as abnormality to cure.
---
We are not told by toxic society (CBT, DSM, corrupt medical industry) what is really happening with our emotions - and we are brainwashed instead into self blame and self pathologizing. This way we are harmless sheep who never protest psychopaths in authority.
Official CBT DSM (medical industry in charge of social anxiety concept) tells us that official description of social anxiety is fear of criticism.
IT is not.
The true description is that social anxiety is fear/trauma of expressing OUR OWN criticism to others.
CBT's descriptions leaves us in victimhood mentality, that we are passive and that we can't do anything about it. That we simply obey "Strong" and "better" people than us - since we are broken and supposedly abnormal for having strong reactions to psychopaths.
True definition of social anxiety places us in much more on par situation, where we are no longer inferior - but actually have options to self-actualize ourselves and start to live our life authentically.
---
When we are having problems and issues - this is excellent place where other wounded and damaged people prey on us, to exert power over us with bad advice.
This is called Karpman Drama Triangle - where we are in Victim mode, due to Abuser/Persecutor - and then there is always a Rescuer who supposedly helps us with our issues - while in reality it is power dynamics where we are told we are hapless inferior beings who must depend on strong and better people to guide us and tell us how to lead our own life.
Rescuers supposedly help others not because they are superior or better - but because they are borderline and feel void inside which they fill by "helping" others, like blind leading the blind.
Google Karpman Drama Triangle.
---
6 months later and I discovered this quotes below: ACoA and Quiet BPD, alongside RSD.
We are not being told by CBT DSM industry the true facts about social anxiety issues, instead we are being mislead by toxic corporations in medical industry where social anxiety is explained away as personality defect and abnormality to cure and spend money to cure something which is actually not broken at all.
Hence we must always be stuck in codependency with medical industry and depend on drugs and "help" from toxic industry - which hides this truth away from us to learn about:
---
This idea of being "soft" and "strong" is Borderline and narcissistic. IT is psychopathy.
This leads to obsession of building a fake narcissistic image of grandeur and superiority to impress others and exert the control over others.
The desire to control and manipulate others is psychopathy.
---
In toxic societies, being quiet is explained as abnormality, while being loud and obnoxious is perceived as competence and intelligence.
Dunning Krueger / real life tells us this is BS and it is the other way around.
Then what happens we end up with the system and zombie society which is worshiping psychopaths while in the same time quiet and normal and sane children are quickly labeled as "socially anxious" and abnormal, something to cure quickly.
---
This assuming people do not like us stem from ACoA ambient while growing up.
Then we develop Quiet BPD - which is adult version of people do not like me hypnosis.
The problem is that CBT/DSM medical industry does not explain this at all.
Official help for social anxiety will add fuel to the fire by telling us that we have abnormal and sick brains filled with "cognitive distortions" which must be cured and plucked out. Which leads to more intrusive thoughts and toxic shame (deep self disgust and self hatred).
Toxic society and psychopaths in power forbid us to learn the true information about social anxiety:
--
We are not explained by toxic medical industry what is happening with us. We are being mislead by wrong descriptions and misdiagnosis and hyper-cognition (when experts quickly mislabel events people and phenomena without studying it at all)
---
"Most of our social systems rely on traumatizing people to control what they believe and how they act.
"
Tell it like it is.
IT is psyhopathy.
Psychopaths are interested in power.
They are not interested in your emotions or your reactions - they are only obsessed with being in power.
You are insignificant to them - and they will do any tool or mechanism to exert the power - which may not necessarily be trauma.
You have impulsive borderline issues where you see yourself as egocentric center of the universe, very limited skewed explanation of reality and you miss the big picture.
---
"💯 being awkward isn't the same as being fearful. I can relate a lot to your story. I hope you are doing well."
Another term is neurodivergence.
ADHD and Autism comes in spectrum. IT is not black and white DSM catalogue. It comes in shades of grey.
And Neurotypical herd mentality will explain anything different as abnormality and sickness - which is called Ableism.
Toxic corporate Media does not teach us the definitions to learn about diversity - and this way we are controlled and manipulated by psychopaths in power.
---
Both Social awkwardness and social anxiety stems from abuse.
As I said previously,
IT is analogy of being trapped in toxic job with mobbing - and we cannot quit due to finances or immobility.
Toxic society explains away social anxiety and social awkwardness (shyness) as abnormality to cure and that we have abnormal brains for reacting to psychopaths and abuse. This way toxic medical industry is brainwashing us into toxic shame and Quiet BPD.
Instead of curing mentally ill teachers and alcoholic parents who create bullies - the stigma and shame and blame is directed onto victims of psychopaths. Then our normal reactions to psychopaths is labeled as disorder to cure.
---
"You get called stupid and that’s supposed to be trauma"
If this happens in repeated intervals - that is official definition of verbal abuse.
When it is not one-time incident.
Nobody sane, healthy or normal would call another person stupid,
Only wounded, sick abnormal people do that slander.
Only a person who is impulsive borderline, psychopathic will not take into consideration feelings of others or effect that their words have on others.
That inability to regulate own emotions and inability to control own words and actions - is psychopathy. Personality disorder. Cluster B under-control issue.
In toxic society - person who is vulgar, abusive and intrusive is perceived as "strong" and "competent" and even "intelligent". That is due to Dunning Krueger Effect - where person with lowest intelligence is always the most loud and most confident - and this leads to disaster when such person comes in charge/power/authority due to support of voters.
---
YT "Keeping your cool in front of your ADHD partner's Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)"
"triggered by perception that person was rejected by important person"
What happens when the perception is true and real?
When there is narcissist and psychopath on the other side with hidden agenda to abuse which we see through?
Why explaining RSD as imaginary borderline fantasy?
Important person can become our toxic job - where when we have no money to quit the job - so abusers at that toxic job become important to us - that we satisfy them and that we do not anger them in order to keep the job or risk being homeless.
So abusers and psychopaths can become important person to us - "important person" does not mean always romantic love interest.
You tell in this video that we imagine the abuse and that we dismantle rancour and grudge inside as a reaction to perceived slight. But -
You do not explain what we do in situations when we REALLY are abused?
When it is not our perception? What then?
What happens when the other person has perceived slights and blame us for untrue fantasy perceptions?
What then?
How we react to really abusive people?
You explain RSD only as phenomena that happens in romantic relationship and that we are patient with our hysterical partner.
I am not sure that this is okay approach.
We have seen in the case with Johnny Depp that he ignored and was really patient with Amber - and it ended in fake false court trial where she tried to steal his money by making false allegations that he was rapist.
I would revalue your thoughts about RSD, they are not much developed.
--
YT"Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and Autism (you may not know about it)
"
You are literally describing Borderline issue here. Word by word.
It is BPD when we feel strong emotions of rejection when we do not receive text back. Fear of abandonment.
Misdiagnosis and half diagnosis is really dangerous - since without proper diagnosis we do not get correct data which would help us make sense of chaos that is happening.
Borderline stems from deep self hatred and self rejection due to exposure to ACE abuse in childhood, being invalidated all the time.
So if we do not learn about Borderline - we get hooked to RSD only explanations - and then we scapegoat our "intrusive thoughts" as the true cause of perfectionism and then we try to block our thoughts and perform crusades and Spanish inquisition in our head. Which is pouring fuel into the fire.
This is why CBT is doing incredible psychological damage to socially anxious. CBT explains social anxiety as result of wrong thoughts caused by cognitive distortions. Now abused and traumatized people will blame and pathologize themselves and not healing trauma at all.
With borderline we hate ourselves and now with half information by CBT - we will add this hatred by hating our "intrusive thoughts" - and this will end as more anxiety and more panic and more depression. CBT is doing incredible damage to anyone seeking honest and genuine help for AcoA trauma experiences.
Healing trauma and BPD means accepting ourselves - acceptance and validation of ourselves in total package with our flaws and imperfections and our so called intrusive thoughts.
---
YT "Rejection Sensitivity | Why You're Failing at Breakups
"
Very surface level information here.
You miss narcissistic abuse, covert narcissists, unreliable narrators.
You only give us message that we need to be less egocentric (without using the term egocentrism which is worrying).
Yes - we need to be open to constructive criticism and learn from mistakes.
But RSD happens with abusers and manipulators and controllers too who blame shift, shift blame, on purpose due to power dynamics - you do not mention that at all.
You do not mention Shame Culture countries -where we live in ambient that is intrusive and shameful. When society is toxic.
--
" my mom did say nice things "
Which is delusional. Narcissists live in a snapshot of reality (Vaknin/Grannon).
Narcissists are extremely nice and pleasant when things go their way and when the other person is fond of their snapshot of reality and when there is no criticism of their delusional perception of reality.
This is why they will appear as extremely charming and nice to the third parties, outside of families. In the public they will appear as empathic, and nice.
We seen this in Joan Crawford career and biography movie Mommie Dearest.
Two of her eldest children went through hell with her, while her 2 other children did not support the story of Christina. The golden children received the money after her death. Christina received nada because Joan knew that Christina will talk about what happened.
---
"being trapped in a job that mobs you"
Stop. You're setting the bar so unreasonably high for what constitutes anxiety it begs the question of if you know what you're doing and are actively trying to cause distress in literal traumatized children.
No, the absolute worst case scenario is not required for social anxiety to be valid. ""
PLUS
If you actually took time to read the other comments here on this thread alone - you would actually see that kids report themselves being abused in the school by their teachers and mates.
So they are corroborating the analogy of social anxiety being trapped in toxic job without ability to escape the mobbing and bullying = and that is grammar school and high school.
Students need their papers that they have finished to school - which they will use for their career.
So they are bonded with the toxic system - that is allowing abuse to happen.
The system is toxic -
the toxic system allows psychopaths to work with children, the toxic system allows bullying to happen -
and natural result of this inescapable situation is social anxiety trauma.
---
(20.9.2023)
1) Saying no to a narcissists means it will be used as a weapon of their victimhood for the next 30 years, they will repeat it every single say - every single no which is perceived as slight in their sick minds.
2) Reducing anxiety means getting accustomed to narcissistic abuse - and then doing nothing about it.
Both methods are like pouring fuel into the fire hoping it will extinguish itself - it will get worse.
---
You were lucky for having any romantic relationship to begin with.
"Imagine yourself like you are being born again. "
Most of us had this narcissistic abuse in childhood and hence never trust any person as adults ever again - so no romantic ties were formed at all to experience this. So there is nothing to imagine at all - we were pruned before any sprout of connecting to another human being would pop up at all.
--
" working through it."
I both agree and disagree with you in the same time.
If someone doesn't have Quiet BPD - sure your method of "working through" will work perfectly.
However - for people with Quiet BPD - it is like having 3rd degree burn - any touch is painful. So working through anxiety is making anxiety worse actually.
There is a general unspoken rule in life- that if you make a deal out of something - you will make this think into your prime focus, it will consume you, even if you try to destroy it.
Think of urticaria skin rash allergy - you will feel that it is itchy and you will scratch it - however each scratch makes it worse and then there is even a wound and the area that is affected grows. So act of scratching is making it worse.
Another example is PureOCD intrusive worries and brutal inner critic. If you decide to stop it and perform rituals to fight it - you will make it worse. This phenomena in psychology is called Ironic Process theory or Pink elephant effect. Because when we tell our brain that some detail is important - the brain will not make us safe by forgetting about it - in fact it will make us obsess about it in order to be hyper-vigilant to the supposed threat. Then we end up in survival mode which is anxiety itself.
The third reason - is that anxiety is not sickness. Anxiety is alarm system that something it really wrong. We might be in danger but do not see danger because abusers are often covert. Or we might gone through ACoA ACE childhood where we learned to over-control everything - so anxiety is a mere symptom of unresolved and unprocessed trauma that we never were been aware of at all. Where healing the trauma would be beneficial, not killing the messenger (anxiety).
I would see anxiety or any emotion as something that is pointing us and trying to get our attention that we look into the angle we did not look before, to look at dimensions we never looked before or known that other dimensions exist at all.
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
---
YT "HEALING TAKES TIME #cptsd #alexhormozi"
What I learned correct diagnosis is secret to healing.
Most of us are running around misdiagnosed and then healing never occurs because we were given wrong advice, wrong explanations and wrong guidance.
---
This is how we learn to develop social anxiety. This is invalidation. This is narcissistic abuse. This is ACE. This becomes Complex Trauma - since we witnessed abuse and we could not process it.
This has no absolutely nothing in relation to how much we scream, how much Viking we are, how much we yell at stage.
Trauma is healed only through acceptance, and self validation and learning about Quiet BPD.
---
(21.9.2023)
"I'm so tired of them trying to make their fear my problem"
This is where it gets complex.
With Quiet BPD (which is deep toxic shame & after effect of being exposed to long term narcissistic abuse) one will introject other people's accusation as own fault. And then end up with codependency issues and trauma bonding, gaslighted and unable to deflect unfair treatment.
---
"what’s the point of getting a diagnosis "
Because misdiagnosis will make us do wrong decisions in our life.
That is the point.
Once we know what it wrong - we can, our brain can make better decisions.
When we are in hyper-vigilant state - this is like Sandra Bullock in movie Gravity (2013) - in scene where she spins in open space. She tries to hold on to anything to stop spinning to get to a firm place.
With misdiagnosis we clutch on wrong objects to stop spinning, or we think we hold on to something but we don't.
Also, when we try to stop the spinning - there are plethora of people who supposedly help us - but there are, we need to be aware of this - there are extremely toxic people like narcissists and predators and psychopaths who are on the hyper-vigilant state and observe people who are spinning - so that they could take advantage of such person for their own benefit. This is important information to know.
After all - we will naturally try to stop the spinning. We need ground, grounding, balance, harmony.
We cannot live in spinning cycles it is not natural. So that is the reason why diagnosis is important -
we need to be aware of these facts:
1) correct diagnosis for hyper-vigilance is important in order to stabilize and live life we are meant to live
2) that toxic people will parasite on our spinning hypervigilance state and offer us false help. Not all people are good - which is actually the reason why we spin in the first place.
" these symptoms are possibly due to a variety of conditions"
There is only one and only one reason why these symptoms are here: toxic people.
ACoA in the childhood - we were exposed to untreated mentally ill person in authority when we were suppose to grow up in safety and security ambient - instead we received criticism and hysteria and punishments for being child.
---
"when have sunglases i dont have as much anxiety when walking"
That is shyness.
You get regulated when you hide yourself - with sunglasses, with hats, make up, stand aside, not making focus of yourself.
True social anxiety when you do NOT wear sunglasses because one is afraid of judgment and criticism of others because of bullying from the past and living in shame culture where you are told by others and your inner critic that wearing them:
1) sunglasses are stupid
2) they are ugly
3) they are cheap
4) they are sissy
5) they are ridiculous
So truly social anxious person will not have anything due to criticism. That is social anxiety, true form. So one cannot hide, one is dysregulated all the time, there is no way to escape criticism.
---
In general we need to know two basic things:
1) when we need help, any kind of help, when we are confused, when we need guidance - there will always be predators and narcissists who appear as saviors. Then we will get hooked to their agenda, lies and coercive control and become codependent on narcissists and psychopaths - because we will believe we are abnormal. Toxic people will always label our behavior and opinion as abnormal, sissy, feminine, something to be ashamed of. This is process of brainwashing and gaslighting - that we doubt ourselves.
2) Whenever anyone tell us what to do- how to do it - that is coercive control. That is manipulation. It is ethically and morally wrong to enslave other people and to command them. This basic human right is kept away from us -
we are brainwashed by psychopaths in power to believe that we must have someone better and stronger than us in power to command us. Then we end up believing that we are weak, abnormal and stupid and we give up from our own ideas and we give up from setting boundaries.
And that is social anxiety itself: it is total disbelief in our own power and that we end up being codependent on toxic people all the time in any kind of contact.
Being quiet is not abnormality.
Being silent is not sickness.
Being considerate, nice and friendly is mental health, it is not feminine sissy abnormality to cure.
--
" I feel guilty after defending myself against accusations I didn`t even do in the first place"
Yep.
That is the core of RSD.
RSD is the same as social anxiety and Quiet BPD and Complex trauma - being exposed to narcissistic abuse.
What we are dealing here are toxic people , psychopaths and narcissists. They wear mask. They want control. They are sick in the brain and they are always in some kind of power position or victim position where they abuse other people around them.
Narcissists think they know everything and they have imaginary snapshot of reality which they force to be reality - and anyone opposing this fake reality will be scrutinized and attacked. All the time. They don't care about other person, they don't care about facts.
RSD is after-effect of being exposed to long term narcissistic abuse where we learned to doubt ourselves, to doubt our brain, to doubt our decisions, to doubt our ability to think for ourselves - instead we are hooked and trauma bonded with toxic people who are insane and they like control and manipulation of others - nothing else.
---
"IF HE IS NOT TRUSTWORTHY THEN WHO SHOULD I LISTEN TO?""
To yourself.
Trust your own brain, your own capacity to think and to make decisions.
With social anxiety we forfeit this ability due to exposure to toxic people like Julien who treat us like small children who must told what we are doing wrong and then give us step by step instruction (which cost money) how to live our life. That is abnormal.
How other people are making decisions?
How other people live their life?
Do they pay money or spend time watching you tube videos to learn how to live their life?
Nope.
They rely on their brain, on their mistakes to learn from them and they do not feel ashamed about who they are and how they appear.
" I’m going to check if u telling the truth btw"
As I said - this is comment from someone.
I do remember that Julien once said that he has made mistakes in the past regarding his teachings - but he said it in neutral tone, as if mistake was nothing significant.
---
"taken out of context making him seem bad."
Your life your choice.
Toxic people will never have label stuck on their forehead. They will always appear as saviors and they will never be held accountable - there will always be justification and rationalization.
All I know that his method of shaming quiet and silent people who are most probably Autistic, ADHD and or HSP is coercive control and manipulation.
BTW how can choking a women be taken out of context?
How can anyone get away with this as if it is nothing?
---
"must be replaced without suggesting an alternative. "
This urge that you must depend on cult leader is codependency, and this is part of social anxiety.
We grew up with untreated mentally ill parent who was narcissist - and now we seek this in adult life. We believe we are abnormal after growing up with criticism and we distrust ourselves to make decisions in life, we are programmed to believe that we must depend on "strong" "charismatic" leader who will approve and validate and guide us what is correct. Then we end up hooked on toxic people who exploit this Operant Conditioning from ACE childhood.
Check out videos about concepts - not about cult leader telling you who you are.
I like these ones - who are councilors, not commanders:
---
People never leave a sinking ship until they see the lights of another ship approaching.
🟦 Buckminster Fuller
Education is our another ship. Fill your brain with more information and then your brain will guide you in life.
---
Ross Rossenberg coined the term Self love deficit instead of Codependency. And I agree with him. IT is true.
I totally agree that English descriptions are very much misleading. Another one is Rejection. IT is not - the better term would be ostracizing, when someone acts superior to others and ashame them and exclude them from human rights for feeling entitled.
And yep, it is incredibly insulting when CBT explains social anxiety as hallucination and it is all in our heads. This explanation adds toxic shame because CBT explains social anxiety as it stems from cognitive distortions and not from exposure to narcissists and psychopaths.
---
"To remain conscious every single day"
Comes with the terrible price: Hyper-vigilance. Anxiety. Survival mode.
8:36 "It is frightened state to become conscious of where you are at"
When we are in survival mode - our amygdala will be hijacked, we will operate from fear state - and only basic functions will be operational. No cortex brain - no ability to think deeply. Being in survival mode is to be reactive.
"Meditate, it will cause change in your energy. You are aware now"
Nope. Operant Conditioning is gone with Extinction - another psychological term.
"Self discipline"
Nope. Reactive energies are toxic shame - it is trauma. This is not will power issue. This is not personality trait problem and it cannot be healed by forcing ourselves to feel better.
Quote:
These biology-based traits are powerful because they are unconscious and affect us without us even realizing it. Because this is an innate predisposition, you cannot will yourself, think yourself, or use more willpower to control or talk your way out of it.
(Psychology Today) The Struggles of Quiet BPD
Posted July 23, 2021 Over-control may help explain Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder.
This is the same mistake with CBT: a false belief that our thoughts are causing reactions.
Reactive abuse is reaction to abnormality person such as narcissists or psychopaths.
Toxic people are covert - they hide away their abuse through criticism where our mistakes become problem. Psychopaths desire power - narcissists are mentally ill because they believe in snapshot of reality (Vaknin/Grannon) to be true reality. Both toxic mentally ill evil personas will therefore manipulate and control the targets of their abuse to believe that someone's moral and ethical standards are abnormal through constant nitpicking, shaming and blaming.
The abuse stems from evil people - not from our brain.
The belief that you profess here: I am the one who have it right - that is not happening with people who react to abuse at all.
Victims of narcissistic and psychopathic abuse will reject oneself and distrust in own belief. Narcissists and psychopaths are the one who have rigid mindset and refuse to listen to the others.
The belief that we cannot do anything to react to toxic people is called Learned helplessness and Moral Relativism.
Moral relativism is attitude of not caring what other people do - and then psychopaths stay in power because nobody is reacting to evil. That is how Putin stay in power in Russia - because all people believe that they do not have power to dumb the mass murderer from political power.
We cannot become captain of our own ship if we are in unfavorable Power Dynamics.
This is something that you do not mention because you are straight heterosexual male and you never experienced discrimination in your life. You do not understand that the reason why you find another job is due to your penis that has ability to get erection on vagina. It has nothing to do with will power. It is the color of your penis that makes you experience less abuse and mobbing at job - not your will power. It is your erection to vagina and white skin of your penis that will make your paycheck to be much higher than the rest of us who were not blessed to be born in privilege and with silver spoon in our mouth. So being born as white heterosexual male is the only secret why "will power " is working for you - and due to Confirmation bias you believe that you have some magical special powers that made your life blessed. While in reality we live in patriarchy toxic system filled with psychopaths in authority.
You simply are blue eye kid in Jane Elliot exercise from 1968.
---
YT "How to rewrite your story: identify your cognitive distortions and replace them with the truth
"
I am not sure that CBT technique of going to Crusades against our own mind is the correct approach.
Declaring Civil war inside our head and making Spanish Inquisition against anything that feels uncomfortable really leads to mental illness (quotes below).
When we are aware of negative thoughts - this leads to hyper vigilance and living in survival mode - because once we become aware of Pink elephant - we will notice it everywhere when we try to suppress it (Ironic Processing Theory).
Like with urticaria - when you scratch allergy skin spot - it will spread and it will itch more than if it was left alone and treated with natural herbal oil.
When we start with CBT ideology that our brain is producing negative thoughts - we will start to develop toxic shame - we will believe that we are abnormal and sick for experiencing dysregulation and inner critic.
In reality negative thoughts stem from two basic causes:
1) trauma which is unhealed - exposure to untreated mentally ill parent while growing up inside ACoA ACe ambient
2) we are in danger, there is some covert narcissists around us that is abusing us but present themselves as help or savior.
So we need to see inner critic as a messenger - not to believe what it says but we need to become curious about our environment. There has to be some trigger which sets it on. We are reacting to someone toxic - that is why we experience so called "cognitive distortions".
CBT is creating incredible psychological damage: ableist CBT sets us up for neurotypical mindset where only neurotypical mindset is allowed: to be happy and chirpy all the time, even if we are poor and have socio-economic issues.
IT is totally normal to feel negative thoughts if we are in toxic ambient. If we stifle this down - we will stay inside Karpman Drama Triangle and never change the circumstances.
If we get negative thoughts we will never get a job - this actually energize us to do more. Instead of blocking thoughts and labeling and blaming and making catastrophe out of negative thoughts - I would surf them and accept them.
This is called dialectic thinking:
"Dialectic thinking is a method of reasoning and analysis that involves examining and reconciling opposing or contradictory ideas or perspectives. It is rooted in the philosophical tradition of dialectics, which dates back to ancient Greece and has been developed by various philosophers throughout history."
When we label negative thoughts as abnormal and sick - we will create splitting and end up with Borderline personality disorder. That happens because we deny natural normal life experiences as some kind of contamination which we must destroy and cure and not allow it to experience.
When we block uncomfortable emotions from our awareness - our brain cannot get crucial data which is needed to story in memory and to keep us aligned to our goals in life.
When we block negative thoughts - we will stay stuck in codependency contact with someone, because our natural normal reactions to abnormal and sick people is negative thoughts - and they need to exist to propel us to make choices and decisions in life to avoid abnormal predatory sick evil people. When we sanitize other people's bad behaviour as our own fault because we feel bad about it - this is mental illness. Our thoughts do not cause bad things to happen - and if we start Civil war against bad thoughts - we will start to create mental illness - since we will now see danger all around us and inside our head all the time.
I cannot understand why anyone who is neurodivergent would support ableist CBT?
It is like going to pre-1945 Berlin Nazi HQ to ask for human rights information. CBT will instruct us to self hate and to reject parts of ourselves which we deem disgusting and to suppress Jung Shadow away from us - causing our psyche to fragment.
Believe it or not, all emotions are valid - including anxiety and doubt.
Without them we would become serial killer and Trump or Putin. They keep us grounded and civil, humaine. These emotions remind us that we are human being, vulnerable and prone to mistakes and that we are not perfect neither should we strive to build fake narcissistic mask of overcompensation and power.
---
We did not caught these tendencies to catastrophe on our own.
We learned this in toxic ambient - and this means that there is trauma hidden inside us.
Instead of self blame and self flagellation and treating ourselves as if we are contaminated for feeling these so called "cognitive distortions" I would rather look how to heal the trauma which is hidden inside our body.
---
"meditation.. help one transcend their traumatic past experiences"
That's called Dissociation, Denial and Repression. It does not help at all, in fact it leads to trauma being suppresse more - while it will resurface as physical illness.
"type of person who consciously chooses to not care so much about what people think"
That is called Avoidant Attachment Style. Mental illness.
""the thoughts in my mind aren't even mine, they are just there"
Schizofrenia
"my thoughts about love, compassion, forgiveness brought me closer to my awareness, my presence... I should cultivate them"
That comes really handy when we experience mobbing at work and we can't quit the job due to finances.
OR when our love interest starts to poop in our bed and contemplate fake trial to destroy our movie career and steal our money. We simply end up codependent on psychopath and rationalizations and justifications.
"other people's thoughts are between them and God... "
You obviously never been in narcissistic contact abuse in your entitled privileged life.
---
"There's a difference between agreeableness and pathological lying and agreeing to avoid conflict."
Can you just imagine what kind of abuser and punishment had to be for someone to develop such strong Negative Politeness which you pathologize and victim shame and victim blame?
" if not given ample room to express themselves as children"
How fancy words you choose to describe exposure to relentless criticism 24/7
---
"Pretty sure Julien is a psychopath. He seems to enjoy humiliating people. "
Psychopaths love control and power over others.
Here he has a technique of over-flooding to embarrass people and shake them off from shyness.
The technique itself is not psychopathic -
The psychopathic part is inability to validate the person.
Inability to say it is okay to feel fear.
Instead his message is that being quiet is abnormality which must be cured and hidden away and something to shame.
The psychopathic part is total lack of empathy and inability to own vulnerability and emotions - which leads to mental illness. Suppressing emotions leads to illness, both physical and mental.
---
"And visualizing my wandering thoughts as wandering in a field of love and light... kind of a playful approach to meditating"
I dislike this and I strongly disapprove it.
The core problem with Rejection Sensitivity is toxic shame and toxic people.
IT is not problem inside us.
The problem lies in psychopaths and narcissists. Not in our legal and normal and natural reactions to psychopaths.
When we go into ableist CBT approach that our thoughts are guilty for experiencing abuse - this is self blame and self flagellation, it is brainwashing into guilt and shame, that our thoughts are somehow generating anxiety and anger. They are not.
Toxic people are consciously choosing to harm and hurt us - and they have hidden agenda to abuse, it is orchestrated and pre-planned attack and pattern of psychotic Cluster B behavior.
I would really discourage this CBT ableism of self pathologizing.
---
Doesn't work with Quiet BPD. Because
Beating oneself up stems from Operant Conditioning. It is hypnosis.
The only way to stop it is through Extinction psychological process where there is no response to triggers anymore.
This can be done only through total self acceptance and healing the trauma - and leaving toxic ambient.
Since we live on toxic planet filled with psychopaths in power - this is almost mission impossible.
---
(22.9.2023)
"if u talk to and hang out w this person more often it will become more natural"
It will be natural if the other person is normal, healthy and sane.
If the other person is sexually perverted mentally ill evil person like Lizzo, social anxiety will spike.
Social anxiety is reaction to abnormal toxic people. The problem is not inside us. The problem are toxic psychopaths around us who trigger our social anxiety reactions.
That is why it is called social+anxiety.
Anxiety stems from the social.
IT is not called Self Anxiety. We are not afraid, the trigger does not come from within - the trigger are always toxic abnormal sick mentally ill people who have mask and nobody is aware that they are criminally insane psychopaths.
Why is this so hard to grasp?
---
Controlling oneself internally comes with birth for anyone who is not psychopath.
Self regulation has nothing to do with "control".
If you feel like you need to "control" yourself, you have Cluster B issues which are reserved for psychopaths, narcissists and criminally insane.
Self regulation means regulating emotions and meltdowns yet in the same time interacting with other people and expressing our needs and alarms.
If we "control" our emotions - that leads to lobotomy similar to Clockwork Orange. When we "control" ourselves, we will always attract Cluster B monsters who will abuse us - since we are passive and have no boundaries, like in Clockwork Orange.
---
YT "codependency is weird trying to get better at not being that way. #shorts"
Fawning is trauma response.
People pleasing to our detriment is Quiet BPD issue.
Think of it as coping mechanism, it is not personality trait. It is mechanical repeated mechanism, a tool and Operant Conditioning.
In toxic ambient we are punished for having needs and opinions and when we do not take care of toxic people - this way we are reinforced to people please. People pleasing always comes as by-product of exposure to toxic people who use Coercive control to manipulate and control others.
Agreeableness is not sickness, it is Big 5 Personality trait and it is even found in the genes. So the idea that we stop "people pleasing" will end up as personality disorder - since we will block our natural instincts which are written in our body.
Also when we block agreeableness we become narcissistic and intrusive since we block our natural connecting tools with others.
Any kind of normal and healthy connection with other people - including job or romantic interest mean serving and helping and sharing and being interdependent.
The idea that we shut down and block these features leads to Avoidant attachment style disorder.
So I would not go along with idea that we destroy and suppress our natural instincts and mechanisms that we learned in dysfunctional toxic ambient.
What we need is to learn how to handle toxic shame inside us which set us up to form bonds with toxic people, similar to those who abused us in the past.
When there are trauma responses and people pleasing - it is alarm that we deep down do not accept ourselves due to trauma. This self acceptance cannot be done by logic.
Self validation comes with deep knowledge and deep introspection of coming to terms to trust ourselves and relying on ourselves - instead of believing that we are inept and stupid and unworthy deep down.
---
"So they are like actors or bio-robots "
This is fascinating - because I always end up thinking that I did something wrong and that I must change myself in order to calm them down. The presence with someone intrusive and aggressive dysregulates me and I don't know how to react and what to do and how to act - each and every time.
IT is like my lego gets shattered and I must collect it and rebuild it slowly each time I am in contact with people like Lizzo - their put downs and abuse.
I really do not see them as robots at all.
So this comment helps me to change my perspective.
All the time I automatically believe that they are human beings and that I can make contact with them and if I find magical way how to talk, that they will listen to me - and this hooks me up in dysregulation since they do not stop with their abuse.
Every time with any kind of bully - I freeze and I try to fix myself in order to function and I forget who I am - and then I need to go to process of restoration while I try to understand bullies and have huge empathy for them in the same time. Then this ends up as codependency.
It took me incredible amount of time and learning about psychology to learn that it is narcissistic criticism that messes me up. Constant and relentless criticism 24/7. As Sam Vakin calls it, entraining.
---
YT "How the inner child projects #shortsfeed #shorts #therapy
"
This projecting is tricky.
How can we know that this is not simply a rationalization or justification?
---
Good, I am not the only one confused here.
It is problem when to trust our instincts.
With trauma triggers - innocent people may appear as monsters to us. However when I look back in my life - my instincts were ALWAYS 100% correct. And I always regretted not listening to myself when someone felt off.
I think Patrick what Patrick is trying to say here - that there are some shady areas when our instinct perceived annoyances and irritations. Instead of panic and bad feeling about someone, there is just nagging emotion that is not really premonition of someone being toxic.
I see this inability to trust our own judgment as the core of trauma and issues like Social anxiety. We heal trauma and after-effect of abuse through trusting ourselves and our common sense and our gut feelings.
If our gut feeling is telling us someone is off - I would trust it.
However if someone appear annoying and irritating - without bad blood about it - it is probably us projecting.
---
"When you’ve experienced trauma it is often difficult to identify who is really safe when you experience triggers."
Right. Are we putting quick labels (hypercognition) or is the concern real?
Problem is when we cannot rely on our brain - we will develop Quiet BPD issues.
Another problem is people pleasing - if someone is annoying - should we people please and shut up and self censor ourselves?
I would rather go into this direction:
what is our modus operandi.
Why would we have different faces in different social situations when interacting with other people.
WE really cannot analyze and focus on strange people who blip on our radar as potential danger all the time.
I think if we behave differently when we are around safe people and when we are in threat mode - that this is sign of unhealed trauma and we don't know who we are. This is Quiet BPD issue at its core.
Like this:
If you're one to be easy hurt, you have some toxic shame going on inside.
Toxic shame: defective and flawed as person which is big fat lie that you've been feeding yourself you come to believe it.
🟥markhutten
"if we feel secured about who we are - other people would not bother us that much
" me
If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.
🟦Hermann Hesse
I think Patrick here is misleading us.
He is not healed himself.
He does not understand that if anyone triggers us - that this means we hate ourselves deep down, that it is not a matter whether our senses are wrong or not.
If we cannot rely on our reactions - even in state of hypervigilance and being in survival mode - we will hate ourselves on unconscious level. It means that at core level we do not validate nor accept ourselves and we try to cure ourselves.
Because - who we are as person?
Are we hysterical Karen? Do we yell and scream at other people? Are we evil?
OR
are we having high moral and ethical standards? Are we trying to resolve issues without harming anyone in the process?
If we do - than we really need to give ourselves a break and stop nitpicking and doubting ourselves.
So what if we project anyway?
We are not super humans. We are allowed to make bad decisions and suffer consequences of it. We are okay to be vulnerable and imperfect, we are human beings, not human doings.
I think Patrick lacks in self-acceptance area. HE has not healed his trauma, he has toxic shame inside him. It is dangerous since he brainwash us with his toxic shame and confuses us to doubt ourselves.
---
I dunno.
When I think more about it - Patrick is spreading toxic shame here.
HE tells us that we are not allowed to make mistakes and that we must be perfect all the time.
That is toxic shame, it is unhealthy.
We learn from our mistakes. When we speak out and react to our annoyances and irritations - we will see what will happen. Other people wear mask. Psychopaths always wear mask and appear normal in public.
I believe with trauma we have x-ray ability to detect psychopaths easily - and that "projecting" is actually our ability to detect toxic people - even in their infancy, when they are super controlled and when their mask is on
Instead of projecting - I would rather say that we have ability to see through people's fake masks that they wear.
---
"But I still wonder how I’m going to navigate the world as an adult when the smallest conflicts send me into a spiral of panic and misanthropy. "
Same here.
I am not sure that Patrick advice about labeling ourselves as too sensitive is healthy.
This is not fair.
With abuse experience we have ability to detect toxic people even if their level of toxicity is low and undetectable by most people.
I am not sure that blaming ourselves for reacting to toxic people is healthy at all.
We will end up pathologizing our natural and normal reactions to toxic people.
What I see as solution is to learn about Quiet BPD - because this is Quiet BPD issue, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and Social anxiety.
With abuse we are like 3rd degree burn victim - and any touch is extremely painful to us - since we have burnt skin. Now the reaction to any touch is not abnormality - it is normal reaction to 3rd degree burning.
I would say the solution is to accept and validate ourselves, and any kind of self abuse and self pathologizing and weaponizing psychiatry against ourselves is extremely detrimental and it is part of toxic shame.
If we have 3rd degree burning skin issues - it is obvious that we need to make our life accustomed to it - relocate, find jobs where we are not triggered, cut contact with triggering people - AND NOT FEEL ASHAMED FOR THESE CHOICES.
---
Religion and psychology are a bad combination. Religion is written in dark ages, when people were worshiping slavery and rape and murder as something normal. Religion is neurotypical entity, so it is natural enemy to neurodivergents. I would separate it from psychology - it will make incredible psychological damage, like CBT and DSM - which are nothing else but form of religion.
---
" It feels so much better responding maturely instead of acting a defensive fool when triggered"
With Quiet BPD this is mission impossible.
The respond is not in the cortex mode - so there are no resources to recognize the Mature response.
Also, dysregulation destroys self worth remnants which we not in 100% operation before the trigger are not scattered like Lego pieces around - and anyone with trauma must go through the process of collecting Lego pieces of self worth - so mature response has no grounding place to commence at all.
The problem is that without knowing this, anyone struggling with toxic shame will now put incredible additional toxic shame because we are unable to have so called "Mature" response.
I would encourage anyone struggling with so called Mature responses to realize we are unable to have it due to trauma and toxic shame - and trying to be "mature" will cause stress and panic.
That is why CBT is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone with social anxiety issues - since advice how to help is doing more damage by not understanding what is trauma at all.
---
"What you wrote is beautiful and perfect.
"
IT is filled with victim shaming, victim blaming and self righteous condescending entitled attitude and toxic shame.
For some people - they get their worth through self pathologizing and victim blaming. Huge red flag for covert narcissists who carry a lot of toxic shame inside them and then project it onto others to feel good about themselves.
---
"I project because I’m really good at noticing behavior patterns and I predict quite a bit but I’m also wrong quite a bit"
I am not sure that it is healthy to pathologize our natural reaction to notice toxic people due to exposure to toxic people over long period of time.
People wear fake Social masks. Narcissists wear fake masks to cover up their true face of rancour and hatred and toxic shame. So - we really do not know who they are and what is their agenda and whether they are pathological liars and unreliable narrators.
You really cannot confirm if you were really wrong by a mere statements of other people. People lie.
People lie even when they are not aware that they are liars.
----
" You feel like an expert and learn to not say your suspicions out loud because they're ridiculously specific and you don't want to sound crazy. "
This is called Imposter syndrome.
This is also Dunning Krueger effect.
Fake people will be super confident and they will be loud and they will impress masses with glib charm - and people will support and believe them, incompetent fools.
While on the other hand, truly intelligent and competent people will be quiet and doubt themselves in order not to hurt others with their wrong actions and opinions.
Now the problem lies in psychopaths - who pretend to be competent by appearing strong and macho and with glib charm to impress the masses with fake mask. Then when they do make damage and hurt others- they will blame the silent and quiet people like us - and force us to make false confession.
This is something that we need education about - it is serious stuff.
Our weapon is talking and expressing - and to state whatever our brain is telling us is important. If we don't - psychopaths will farm us and scapegoat us.
---
" the muddy distinction between "good intuition" and "false information feed" for the inner child it's super hard to tell."
As I said in my other comment, problem is not in our conclusions nor how brain works.
Brain will come up with natural conclusions - based on information being fed into it.
If we dislike criticism and we cut ourselves off from immersing in total information, good or bad - we are cutting supply to our brain to make the best decisions in life.
I would say the problem are always toxic people - and with trauma we will have super ability to detect even smallest level of toxic radiation from them.
Like Geiger counter.
So if we see our ability to detect toxic people as good thing - we will stop toxic shame and self pathology approach which Patrick is brainwashing us into because he has toxic shame unresolved inside him.
When we know we are detecting to small quantities of toxicity in other people - now we have our focus free to get our brain resources into strategies.
Instead of self blame and self pathology we can actually learn how to process other people -
are they worthy to be reacted to.
Or can we ignore them.
Do we need to cut contact, relocate or ignore the low level of toxicities.
Can we do something to cut the crap that is leaking from bullies?
Now our brain is focused on toxic people - not on blaming our brain for being abnormal.
That is why I dislike CBT. IT is the same approach of Patrick - where we are instructed to doubt ourselves all the time and see normal reactions to abuse as abnormality to cure and fix in order to be super human being without rights to be imperfect and wrong sometimes.
---
Desire to be perfect is mental illness.
We are allowed to make wrong decisions. There is nothing wrong with being a vulnerable faulty human being.
---
"Part of others' humanity is that they also project onto us. Makes it tricky to stay present in certain situations."
Correct!
This is why I think Patrick has toxic shame issues, he is not healed and messages like this really harm us because he seems trustworthy and someone to believe in.
What he is doing here is victim blaming and victim shaming. This is the same what CBT is doing to socially anxious - incredible psychological damage: we are instructed by CBT to be narcissistic super human perfect being who is not allowed to make mistakes or wrong conclusions - while in the same time other people are perceived as just , normal and friendly - which is simply not true.
A lot of people are toxic and evil.
If we prune ourselves off, if we castrate ourselves - that is called Moral Relativism and moral relativism allows psychopaths to flourish - because evil people are skillful manipulators and brainwashers who know how to confuse and make their targets of abuse to doubt themselves all the time.
---
" because your own parents were struggling to survive and support the family"
To be evil is conscious choice.
A lot of people are struggling to survive but this does not give them license to abuse the children or anyone else.
---
"„It‘s not good to NOT SEE the humanity in others…“ - Thank You! I needed that. 👍🏽
"
I am not sure this is healthy.
He is saying as if we are monsters for having anger. HE is pathologizing our natural and normal emotions and he describes us as evil people who torture and hurt other people.
Are we?
Are we serial killers? Are we anti.social monsters who abuse other people?
Are we having hidden agenda to harm and cause pain to others?
Do we feel good when harming other people?
I would say most of us - don't. So it is not fair to brainwash us with binary thinking which Patrick is promoting.
Seems to me Patrick is carrying toxic shame and he still did not learn basic messages about healing trauma
1) to validate and accept ourselves even when we make mistakes and naturally learn from them
2) to learn spectrum thinking instead of binary thinking black and white. We really can be angry at people and still love them or at least respect them in the same time.
We really can make mistakes and learn from them in the same time.
We are good people who are not anti-social and still we are allowed to make wrong conclusions.
Desire to be perfect and without flaws is mental illness and deep toxic shame.
---
YT "positivity always #foryou youtubeshorts"
"People's mood effect me and I don't know why"
One explanation is Quiet BPD. This happens due to deep toxic shame and self hatred and self rejection -where then our ego must function by making other people into gods. Then other people moods become our own - since we hate and reject ourselves deep deep down inside. The primary focus is to people please and fawn to others since other people carry our self worth through their criticism, approval, mirroring, noticing us or rejecting us - so any mood of other person is deeply felt inside us as if our own. This appears as empathy but it is not because we have no ego, no self worth inside - it is destroyed by toxic shame.
Another explanation is narcissism - where person's worth depends on approval and admiration from others. Narcissists are focused on control and domination and are unable to listen to other people and process information given from others since narcissists live in delusional self created fantasy snapshot of reality that appear as reality to them (Sam Vaknin)
---
"they have a desire to be loved by others"
I learned that this is not love at all.
It is greed. It is exploitation. It is using and discarding others. This stems from void inside us which we believe other people can fulfill and then we see other people as objects, as tools that must serve its purpose and then discard it away until we need it again.
Desire to be loved by others is sickness of toxic shame & trauma, and it can be healed by the message in this video -
when we love ourselves on deep core level we will fill up this void inside us. And then magically other people will have much deeper meaning to us.
When we have the void inside, we really cannot serve others, nor help them nor show that we care about them. Because void inside us make us greedy and mechanical.
When we reject and hate and invalidate ourselves, other people will be perceived as objects to us. We will either block them or depend on them, there will be no middle ground.
Without loving our deep core self - which means accepting and validating disgusting, annoying and irritating parts of ourselves, accepting and validating our mistakes, wrong reactions, errors, anything we dislike about ourselves.
We believe that loving ourselves means indulging in food, sensory flood of good and positive data, abusing our body and forcing ourselves to be chirpy and happy. That is not self love.
Self love is accepting and validating our imperfections, our flaws, our wrongness, our inner critic, our panic reactions, our labels and stigma which other people ashame in us.
When we have no ability to totally accept ourselves - we will self pathologize ourselves, we will use psychiatry as weapon to go into crusades inside us to cure ourselves from being different -and then void will be inside us.
This is not easy task.
This is the same process as after WW2 when nations had to reconcile with Germany after the war.
It is the same process which Ukraine will have to go through by making peace and connection with Putin after the war is over. This cannot happen over night nor at push of a button.
It require us to learn about binary thinking and spectrum thinking - dialectical thinking.
That we are allowed to feel anger and hatred and all unpleasant emotions about other and ourselves and in the same time to be respectful and to listen and to understand what and why something happened - instead of blaming.
For men, this is process of accepting "non macho" parts of ourselves which society taught us to hate and mock. So when we do accept and validate ourselves - other people will mock us, other people will hate it and try to change us or even punish us. That is how we got stuck with the void in the first place and it is cycle of self hatred and self blame that has no apparent exit.
---
"How do you stop projecting and become unaffected by others bad/triggering behaviors?"
By accepting and validating yourself.
This is why Patrick is doing here incredible psychological damage. HE is not healed himself and he still has toxic shame inside him. And ironically he projects his toxic shame onto us by pathologizing our trauma responses.
Because he does not say how to stop. HE simply orders and command us to stop.
How can we stop something that is automatic and unconscious - due to trauma?
We can't -
so his "advice" will lead to toxic shame and hypervigilance.
The only way to heal trauma is to validate and accept ourselves and stop pathologizing ourselves and blaming ourselves for not being perfect and for having flaws which all human beings have.
We will project and be hyper-cognitive (placing quick bias label on others) when we are insecure inside us.
Secure, self accepting, self validating , healed people are not obsessed with power and Crusades nor Spanish Inquisitions to seek parts of ourselves which are annoying and irritating - the change can happen only when we love and understand ourselves - and when we listen to ourselves where any dysfunctional behavior stem from.
With Patrick toxic shame message - we believe we are technical mechanical doll that can replace parts discard them and replace at whim. This is narcissism. That is abuse. That is self abuse.
Self acceptance, self validation means that we understand that we are not bad person. We are not serial killer, we are not anti-social, we are not having hidden agenda to harm nor hurt other person - therefore there is nothing inside us that deserves psychiatry to be weaponized against us as tool of shame and blame and discipline.
IF we are working hard, if we have empathy, if we try to fix anything that is broken - there is so much that we can do.
We really do not have control over complex Operant Conditioning inside us that we waste our money and focus and energy to fix.
We really need to give ourselves a break and realize we are already doing everything to be perfect and good and to do good.
What Patrick is doing here is toxic shame and it is self abuse and unhealthy.
---
I can relate. I'm not sure what he's trying to say. The world isn't safe. There might be a few people left who don't resort to crazy revenge tactics, smearing, gossip or whatever, at the slightest "feeling". But I've met too many people I started to think had a grip or didn't take themselves (or life) too seriously... and was painfully wrong.
I don't want to be cynical; so I always hope new people are cool. But I don't presume anything about anything. They must demonstrate their character consistently over time.
No more 'good faith' gestures. Learning the lesson that the world isn't safe was super expensive.
---
"this is why i have to stay inside. i havent healed it yet, the world isnt safe yet.. seems insurmountable"
See, that is how PAtrick toxic shaming is so dangerous -
he is instructing us/brainwashing us to self pathologize ourselves and to isolate until we become "perfect" and "strong".
This is the reason why CBT is also so detrimental and dangerous for anyone been through abuse.
---
"He was angry and looking through his life I understand why"
Being evil is a choice.
Nobody is evil because someone made them to be. That is excuse for psychopaths.
Many people are in much dire situations and they don't go around hurting and harming everyone around them. That evil is pure choice based on bad character.
---
"How do you deal with social anxiety now?"
That is the point. I don't see it as something to deal with. I see social anxiety as an alarm system that ambient is toxic and that experiencing triggers is a sign that trauma is unhealed, and this means that I do not accept my errors and flaws.
Social anxiety is not personality flaw, nor personality trait. Our emotions are not equal as our self worth - so there is nothing to "deal" with, nothing to manage, nothing to destroy, nothing to ashame, nothing to replace with screaming or yelling.
---
(23.9.2023)
" Idk why julian is like this. He often confuses shyness with social anxiety. "
Lack of education.
Society perceived neurodivergent thinking as abnormality and that our job as human species is to become sheep, neurotypical, that we are all the same. Fascism.
Julien does not mention Big 5 Personality types.
So anyone neurotypical will be obsessed with dispositional attributions - which means neurotypical person (groupthink, herd mentality) will perceive someone's behavior and thinking style as autonomous choice, something that can be modelled and fixed and changed into neurotypical brain by techniques and rituals and rules and Operant Conditioning.
Problem is that brain does not respond well to Coercive control. We were given power of will and freedom to believe what we feel and know is correct. When someone orders us to change and to manipulate our behavior and thoughts - that is manipulation. That is control. Psychopaths love control. Narcissists are obsessed with masses being obsessed by grandiose narcissist.
So any person who is in the power and who likes to order people how to think and behave is a red flag for criminal activity.
Coercive control is crime in some states.
Julien has a chance to profess Humanistic psychology - which means validation and acceptance, teaching masses to accept their reality as reaction to Situational Attribution such as environment, genetics, society, socio-economic factors.
Instead, what he is doing in his lessons is modulating and controlling and manipulating human behavior.
That is manipulation. Normal people do not do that. Only narcissists and psychopaths feel entitled to do that. Huge red flag.
That is how Complex Trauma is developed in childhood - children who are exposed to untreated mentally ill parent who is manipulating their children as if children as extension of themselves.
Then social anxiety itself - is an issue when we are in social situations where toxic person is intrusive or discriminatory against ourselves just because we look, talk and behave differently than such persons approves. The problem starts when the controlling person is in some kind of authority and when we depend on money, service and help from such person in authority. They will punish us and expose us to Negative Reinforcement Operant Conditioning as part of "re-training", since psychopaths feel entitled to abuse other people. They lack empathy to realize how they effect other people with their own behavior.
If we do not realize that psychopaths and narcissists are causing our social anxiety issues - we will end up with OCD - which is us trying to impose control over toxic ambient, that we feel secure inside toxic ambient around toxic people.
PureOCD is having inner critic of shame and guilt where we try to control toxic ambient with our ideas and innovations, we try to counter-act toxic people with techniques and methods - which of course cannot work since the problem are evil people, not our reactions to them.
The reason why we end up with social anxiety issues is because deep down we reject our Self, we hate ourselves, and we feel like our opinion, goals in life are not important and that we are inept to manage our life. That is why I say that Social anxiety is Quiet BPD. It fits all the descriptions.
With social anxiety and OCD we will believe that we are contaminated for experiencing abuse and difficult people. We will automatically think that there is something wrong with us, and that we caused the evil people to be evil with our wrong actions and wrong opinions - so we will end up with codependency and fawning and self-censoring.
And that is social anxiety - it is reaction to toxic people and toxic ambient.
It is not shyness.
And Julien's idea that we transform ourselves into abuser will not work - because with screaming and pretending that we are alfa macho Neandertal we will become Impulsive Borderliners when we start to abuse and yell and scream at other people as a way to express our anger and to protest injustice.
I see social anxiety as Complex Trauma - and I see handling social anxiety panic and what appears as "shyness" as healing the trauma - which means self acceptance and self validation so that we no longer reject ourselves.
---
"How can a fifteen-second interaction with a barista confirm they are a narcissist and are out to get you?"
Label "narcissists" is your label, I never used that word. So you are brainwashing also. That is why such behavior is dangerous - it is contagious.
People start to stick quick labels on anything that movies just because is appears similar. Hyper-cognition.
Also, inability to handle criticism and truth is called Cognitive Dissonance. The more rigid thinking, the harder borderline illness.
" fifteen-second "
This is not the only video that there is in YT universe.
He actually make videos for 2 years now - and my comment is not based on 15 seconds but a span of 3 years now.
---
" It’s an unsafe experience to have anyone other than a qualified therapist telling you what’s happening inside you"
Absolutely correct but this is Catch 22 with borderliners:
They actively ASK for approval from others- and hence invite more disorder and dysregulation since other people will cause more pain with their opinions due to inability to know what is going on inside borderliner's brain.
Borderline is like 3rd degree victim of burning - any touch is extremely painful - and they can be healed only by human touch. It is like Chinese finger trap - thinking that jerking it off will make if fall off, but only letting go and patience will make this trap to be released from the finger's trap.
---
You made me realize now that Quiet BPD is unrealized Impulsive BPD. I would never warn or alert someone, I would block it. Suppress it.
Due to panic which pops up when I witness something that is wrong.
Then this panic would morph into what I understand now is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
And this social anxiety panic which I understand now is result of Operant Conditioning, which stems from exposure to punishment and Negative Reinforcement such as exposure to Narcissistic injury and Impulsive Borderline hysteria and screaming over long period of time.
When we grow up in ACoA ACE ambient we can easily learn how to become tyrant to "weaker" people than us and abuse them and scream at them and demand perfectionism.
With Quiet BPD I now understand that instead of spreading this toxic behavior onto others - I consciously choose to suppress it in order not to harm others and inadvertently cause them feel panic and fear that I felt as exposure to narcissists and borderliners. And instead of openly attacking and abusing people - Quiet BPD is attacking and abusing oneself, discarding and rejecting core Self.
I am returning to this thread and read all 69 amazing comments here, I think I am having epiphany.
---
"Helping someone else with CPTSD"
How exactly you do that?
Healing from Complex trauma is almost spiritual experience. I am not sure you are allowed to interfere. Not because you are bad, but because of Karpman Drama Triangle dynamics.
When we present ourselves as overlords to someone, we appear as superior and strong to them - which inadvertently is complex trauma itself and it is actually not helping at all, this inferiority complex hurt them and re-traumatizes them.
Person with trauma needs to realize that they are fully capable to handle and manage life and that they lack self acceptance and self validation due to exposure to narcissistic abuse over long period of time.
WE can help other people only through sharing information and personal experience which may span over 30 years - so that we spare their life not to be wasted onto wrong conclusions and wrong perceptions.
On the other hand, actively ordering someone how to heal and when to heal - is counter effective.
---
Yet his uncarefully chosen words do more damage than good.
He is hinting two detrimental messages in his video here:
1) that we must be perfectionist. That we are not allowed to be "bad" which is BPD splitting brainwashing. That people are divided into good and bad, and when we make any kind of error- we are bad and we must feel trauma, shame and guilt for being "bad" and errored.
Obviously this approach is not healing but re-traumatization
2) He is instructing us to make hyper-cognitions. That we quickly label any uncertain and mysterious thinking and opinions and emotions as something toxic.
All emotions are valid.
All opinions are valid- . They stem from Situational Attributions: toxic ambient that we are inside, socio-economic circumstances, state where we live, toxic shame country that we live in. People will shape our decisions and opinions.
His message here is the same as from faulty and ableist CBT: Dispositional Attribution.
Here his message is that if we make wrong kind of defense mechanism such as Projecting - that we are doing it because we are evil and that we must stop it - as if defense mechanisms stem from our brain and not from trauma, toxic families, toxic ambient.
This way he is signaling us that we are bad person. That our personality trait is tainted and contaminated every time we use dysfunctional defense mechanisms. That is toxic shaming. That is toxic shame: equating our emotions with our self worth. Highly dangerous thinking module that leads to trauma.
When we are surrounded with toxic people around us 24/7 - of course we will project. Emotions are contagious.
It is wrong to think in CBT way that we are able to press some hidden willpower button inside our head and that our normal and healthy reactions to abnormal environment will vanish.
His message lacks the basic healing message for trauma which detrimental CBT also lacks:
self acceptance, self validation. Education about Situational Attributions.
It lacks patience and understanding that education about accepting our errors and mistakes is bumpy road and instead of scorning and nitpicking or micromanaging our errors and dysfunctional defense mechanisms - we need to learn how to accept and love ourselves even when we resort to unpopular Trolley Problem: when we need to choose between two solutions from which both are bad.
His instruction in this video is to self pathologize ourselves and that we weaponize psychiatry so that we ashame and blame and guilt trip ourselves into health and good decisions in life devoid of dysfunctional defense mechanisms such as Projecting.
Self acceptance instead means education about Situational Attribution and knowing that if we are prone to worry and control and anxieties and defensive mode - it is because of internal unresolved trauma and toxic outer environment which is totally outside of control.
So instead of toxic discipline and Deficiency Motivation which Patrick is unfortunately promoting in this video - we need to have compassion for ourselves first, and other people as well -
since this is complex issue. How can we expect uneducated people who lack data and don't put their free time in learning psychology - how can such people be healthy and choose better responses in life? They can't.
They will trigger us.
It is the same as living in Mediaeval times and we know that plague is passed by low hygiene.
We can clean ourselves and wear face mask - but if 90 percent of people do not clean themselves - we will eventually be infected by their lack of care.
We really need to cut some slack to ourselves and stop expecting perfectionism and lack of any defense mechanisms when we live in toxic ambient planet.
---
Correct!
That is why I say that Patrick here spreads toxic shame. He is backtracking in his own trauma healing. He is convinced that evil people are evil because of CBT explanation: due to our own thoughts and so called "cognitive distortions"
That somehow, if we clean and prune ourselves to be self righteous enough, that somehow magically all evil people will stop being evil and we will become super de-sensitized and we will never experience hurt and pain and in danger ever again in our lives, if we are just CBT perfect and perfectionistic enough. That CBT approach leads to personality distortions and mental illness.
Here is why:
When we engage in any kind of fear panic action such as dysfunctional defense mechanism as Projecting - instead of stopping it and blaming ourselves for being bad and evil person for having those non-workable defensive strategies, I would see that Curiosity is better response than self pathologizing ourselves.
Projecting does not work because it leads to fantasy, delusions, grudge and rancour, unnecessary anger and potentially detrimental life decisions which may be permanent.
Instead of removing Projection - I would rather see what I do it and what would happen if I actually had the so called willpower to stop it at the press of an imaginary button inside our head. The most probable thing that would happen is that our mind would simply find another defense mechanism which is even worse than projecting - such as sucididal idealizations.
When we project -we are defending ourselves from toxic people. Without this shield, other people will hurt us. Easily, much easily than with having dysfunctional shield.
---
" predictably, she was 'sorry for making me feel bad'. I told her this wasn't about me, that I was calling out HER behavior."
Amazing!
I add this quote to my Retort list.
" i am not mature enough to keep my calm internally"
I am not sure that maturity means forcing ourselves to be anything.
I see solution in Dialectical thinking: it is opposite from binary thinking.
Binary thinking example: I must be mature and this means I must never be dysregulated.
Dialectical thinking: I am mature and I can be dysregulated in the same time. I can be angry at someone and still respect them. I can be calm and feel immature inside due to toxic people who are immature.
I can be mature and not being able to keep my calm internally.
Also,
this concept of " i am not mature enough to keep my calm internally"
This is actually Quiet BPD.
IT is when we try to suppress our anger and our reactions for the sake of not hurting and harming other people with our reactions.
Also Quiet BPD is when we blame ourselves and reject ourselves when we do not fulfill the unrealistic goal posts such as being calm when dealing with hysterical evil and passive aggressive predators. The problem is in this toxic shame rejection and self discard. We refuse to love and accept and validate ourselves until we become "calm".
That is why CBT is so detrimental and dangerous for anyone gone through trauma and abuse. Ableist CBT sets us up to develop Quiet BPD through denials, suppressions and dissociations which corrupt CBT explains away as being "mature".
---
Instead of Patrick toxic shaming, weaponizing psychiatry against ourselves to discipline ourselves into nirvana, instead of Patrick's self pathologizing approach of self rejection and self blame and self shaming:
I would rather be Curious.
Why I project?
What is happening.
Why the other people push me to project?
What would happen if I actually had super human powers and actually stop dysfunctional ego defense mechanisms at the press of a button? What would happen is that our brain would simply find another dysfunctional defense mechanisms which would be even worse than this one - such as suicidal idealizations and self flagellation.
If we are at the core normal healthy and sane person, if we are not serial killers, if we do everything in our power to do the correct moral and ethical choices and decisions in our lives, if we do not have hidden rancour grudge ideas how to harm and hurt other people around us - I would say that we give ourselves some slack and realize that if we engage in dysfunctional defense mechanisms such as Projecting - that it is probably our last weapon to handle psychopaths, narcissists and covert predators of all sorts.
And that our thinking functional or dysfunctional - is the only last shield our only protection that is protecting us from Cluster B monsters penetrating in our soul area, their hatred, gossip and dysregulation and sickness.
When we absolve ourselves from the sin of not being perfect - we actually will realize we have other options other than Projecting.
If we believe we are faulty and abnormal and sick at our core - nothing will change.
---
Dialectical thinking:
We can be mature and still make errored decisions due to lack of data and due to toxic ambient.
---
That is because we judge our world from our core self.
When we are not narcissistic inside, when we are not psychopaths and monsters - we won't have tools methods or awareness to detect evil. And we will make decisions on our core self - which lacks evil and end up with Negative Politeness when evil people gaslight us into fear and panic and self doubt.
What Patrick is doing here is he is brainwashing us into belief that Projecting is moral sin and that if we have it, we are evil.
We are not.
WE are simply reacting to evil people and our reactions were not the cause of abuse, we did not start the fire. If we had education in how to handle top tier psychopaths, we would , our brain would come up with better defense mechanisms how to protect ourselves from predators, other than projecting.
---
Moral Relativism leads for psychopaths to be in authority. We simply justify and rationalize their evil.
---
What Patrick is doing here is not help at all.
It is self blame,
it is weaponizing psychiatry to hurt us and discipline us into perfectionism
it is covert abuse.
It is self pathologizing approach.
He is in the phase of backtracking his healing and he resorts to toxic shame here.
---
Gaslighting is when there is actual action.
What Patrick is trying to tell here is cognitive.
He talks about mental process, rumination and worry here and talking ourselves into hysteria.
Hence- Projection that is mental is called unsuccessful ego defense mechanism.
"Projection is a form of defense in which unwanted feelings are displaced onto another person, where they then appear as a threat from the external world. A common form of projection occurs when an individual, threatened by his own angry feelings, accuses another of harbouring hostile thoughts. "
Most people who are actually watching videos like PAtricks do not accuse others.
We instead shut up and keep silent and then harbour toxic shame and grudge and rancour. Which leads to Quiet BPD.
The problem with defense mechanisms - is that if we are not evil, if we are not narcissistic - we have defense mechanisms because we were exposed to abuse in childhood where we learned to survive by developing them.
So the central problem is shaming our defense mechanisms. Patrick is shaming us.
That will not work. When we stop certain defense mechanism - we will replace it with another one such as suicidal idealizations and that can be worse than a mere worry or rancour.
When we have defense mechanisms - instead of Patrick's self pathologizing and weaponizing psychiatry approach that would suppose lead to self discipline that CBT is professing, I would rather use healing methods such as being Curious -
and actually investigate why we project in the first place.
In most cases it will be because we are in contact with someone toxic and abnormal and sick. And then we can actually see if we can replace Projection with some other mechanisms - such as cutting contact if warning does not work with predators.
---
We get stuck because of people like Patrick.
We listen to traumatized people who are lost just like we are. Blind leading the blind.
We will feel the world is safe when we accept ourselves instead of hating ourselves. That we rely on our common sense and education - instead of depending on someone who spreads toxic shame and wrong messages of accusations and blame and shame.
When we hate ourselves, when we reject ourselves, we will naturally turn to other people to guide us and to explain us the reality.
Problem is that our reality is our own, nobody can know all socio-economic and past issues that we have experienced in our own life.
So allowing someone to be our god figure is really a bad idea and it leads to borderline issues - that we depend on other people to confirm and explain our reality.
---
" How do you heal when you confirm to yourself that the world isn't safe?"
WE don't.
That is why Patrick message here is detrimental, the same as from corrupt CBT.
When we are caught in toxic ambient, it is not safe. And it would be detrimental for us to try to be safe in unsafe ambient.
If we are in the same room with serial killer it would be extremely damaging if we assure ourselves that we are safe. The most natural thing is to fight and escape.
What you described in the comment is anything but safe and most people would not go through it without being damaged by the injustice and unfairness.
The "safe" concept in trauma healing is not what Patrick tries to explain.
The "safety" concept is realization that we trust ourselves and that we validate our tough and unjust experiences and actually stop blaming ourselves for not being "strong" enough to get through it without resorting to unsuccessful defense mechanisms.
"The safety" concept in trauma healing means building our future which is safe.
If close people chose to cut contact from us - it is about respecting their choice and focusing on our life and our goals instead and showing by our example that we are not anti-social monsters as others may portray us.
---
He does not have answer to this crucial question.
“what would be the best response for a person on the receiving end of the projection by someone you care about?”
All he knows is CBT crap - self blaming, self pathologizing and weaponizing psychiatry in order to ashame anyone struggling with trauma. He has put downs but no solutions.
Because there are no solutions.
When some person is in anger mode - and that will be projection mode - this person is dysregulated.
And basically you cannot do anything to control such person.
Plus
it is morally and ethically wrong to manipulate and control other people. It would be seem great that there exists some kind of moral police which would pry their noses into genitalia of other people -- but as we see with Talibans, and Russia and North Korea - such controlling attempts leads to psychopaths in authority.
When someone is hurting, when someone has trauma, when someone cannot know what emotions there are inside due to toxic society telling men to suppress emotions and label them as sissy feminine - it is clear that we will have a bunch of people running around and projecting their frustrations onto other people.
I would say that as same as Trauma Healing - the tool of Curiosity might help us-
That we actually listen to the abuser and accusations and be curious about it and try to find solutions.
Those people who are caught in projection due to trauma will calm down and find solutions.
Those people who are predatory narcissistic impulsive borderliners will refuse to talk and then we cannot do anything - except save up money and relocate from potential future murderers.
---
"I always look for and expect the best in people. And then they 💩 on me"
Patrick ignores this fact because this reality does not fit into his Borderline snapshot of reality (Vaknin/Grannon).
In Patrick splitting world - it is easier to label us all as hypersensitive Karens who are whimps and sissy feminine cowards - since this way it is easier to explain why evil predators exist: CBT also brainwash us into thinking that evil people do not exist - that we made them up with our "distorted" thinking and that we can control and change people by our "thinking" and removing so called "cognitive distortions" and defense mechanisms such as Projections.
With CBT brainwashing - we simply self pathologize ourselves into lobotomy and then we won't care that people are evil.
This kind of explanations works only for psychopaths who are in authority: that we become obedient sheep and that psychiatry is weaponized against us when there are our feelings of hurt when evil people abuse us.
---
"You're essentially expecting to be abused, so you react with a victim mentality wherein you project by assuming that they are trying to harm you "
And.. what happens when we really are abused?
When others are harming us?
Or this does not happen in your CBT world which protects psychopaths?
---
This is called Operant Conditioning and it is a secret which CBT "experts" are hiding from us.
It is much better explanation that it was all a dream scenario and that we are simply too sensitive.
This way psychopaths would not use help from trauma as a weapon to harm others.
CBT is tool of brainwashing intended to pacify and lobotomize small groups of criminals and serial killers who might run across industry self help.
For all of us others -we are collateral damage and unimportant.
Society expects us to suffer and do nothing about the abuse.
CBT ought to be banned.
---
What happens when manipulators and criminally insane pathological liars convince us that we are in hologram, while they actually lie and present false information?
What then Einstein?
What we do when the other person has hidden agenda and present himself as help and service and savior?
OR this kind of people do not live at Cloud 9 where you live so you never experienced it or had no awareness that you were duped?
---
"The Thing about transference a lot of it is actually legitimate "
Borderliners like Patrick or Ableist CBT do not like this information since it does not collude with their snapshot of reality, delusion which appears real to them.
It is much safer to self blame, self pathologize and weaponize psychiatry in order to ashame ourselves than to actually open our eyes and be curious about what the hell is happening around us and ask questions what is happening really.
---
"you're REACTING to a HOLOGRAM ."
This is something that narcissists would say in brainwashing gaslighting session.
You are literally weaponizing psychiatry to convince us all that we are mad. You have no idea what situational attributions are people living in - but you prejudge and bring quick conclusions that it is all a hologram.
Your CBT approach works only for narcissists and psychopaths who will use your information here to harm, hurt and abuse their targets.
---
"You can just be there for someone and help them reframe things like failure."
This way you are positioning yourself as superior, better and without any flaws while the person with so called "failures" is abnormal, sick, child, helpless, victim whom you must fix and attend to.
Please study Karpman Drama Triangle.
The Rescuer role inside Karpman Drama Triangle are as much as sick and damaged as is victim or perpetrator.
When you believe that you are smarter for recognizing what is failure and other person is stupid and does not have brain capacity to do the same - you are actually placing yourself in the position of authority and now Rescuer becomes Perpetrator.
"Maybe sometimes help is actually intended to be helpful and not destroy someone's sense of self."
In real adult mature life - help is when the other person is doing his job and he needs extra hand to do the job.
Helping adult person who has fully operational brain in order to explain him how to think correctly is condescending and self-righteous.
Adult person who is confused and needs "help" is actually victim of abuse - and he does not need "help". He needs validation and acceptance and to be listened to. Not to be told which path he must go in life. That is his own responsibility.
Each person has hidden issues and situational factors which are not seen on the surface - so any outside help would be detrimental.
Think of Prime Directive in Star Trek, it is the same thing.
Any kind of "help" and "advice" is actually Coercive control and manipulation and egocentrism to realize that each person has invisible iceberg beneath the surface which we cannot see hence we cannot evaluate nor tell what is perfect thing to do.
IT is on the person alone to help himself since he will deal with invisible parts which will come to surface eventually.
---
It is Dunning Krueger Effect.
Anyone who is loud and boastful - is fake.
Anyone who doubts himself and is careful what to say is competent but will have Imposter Syndrome.
I believe all of us have missing puzzle pieces - which we seek in loud and annoying super confident people like Julien - while in fact the answers that we seek are hidden in normal healthy sane quiet and non assuming people like those who Julien tries to "cure" with screaming.
The problem is self hatred and inability to trust ourselves inside - so we turn to psychopaths who are loud and appear the quick solutions to fill the void inside us.
We are the only ones who can fill our void inside which we have due to trauma and exposure to relentless invalidation while growing up.
When we are not explained about this void gaping hole inside our core self - we will be easily exploited by psychopaths and narcissists who will present themselves as solution. We will try to fill the void with food, stimulants, saviors who turn to be narcissists. When we reject our core self, we will be depended and co-dependent on fake people.
---
"It's really tough to work out that different isn't it"
I think it is not hard at all.
It comes down to trust our beliefs and conclusions and our brain to discern the reality.
Borderliners like Patrick cannot do this due to codependency on other people to confirm their reality. Where as inability to trust oneself is based on deep toxic shame, deep self hatred and deep self rejection which is outside of logic and outside of conscious awareness.
It is not hard when we observe people who are projecting and who have issues with perceived slights.
The best example is actor from Star Trek - William Shatner
He is the best example what is Projection.
At social media when he is "talking" to commentators - he is always in defense mode. He interprets even positive and supportive comments as personal attack.
He is antagonistic and creates drama out of nothing.
That is projecting.
Consistent pattern of borderline behavior.
On the other hand, when we are in contact with such toxic people - we will doubt ourselves and we may defend ourselves - which will look as projection to the third party.
So the best question to detect Projection is to ask ourselves - Are we William Shatner?
Do we constantly turn all around us into drama and personal attack?
If we are seeking solutions and we are peaceful and we avoid drama and conflict - it is highly likely that we are brainwashed, gaslighted and abused by impulsive borderliners and narcissists who are highly skilled manipulators and shame shifters and guilt trippers.
---
Your CBT false explanation is that every projection is imaginary and that there is no real threat.
Narcissists and borderliners like CBT will label "projection" any defense against toxic people.
This is hard for you to understand because you abuse people and have no idea that you are doing it. You are weaponizing psychiatry to hurt and harm others into submission and self doubt.
-
"Whenever I detect someone is trying to manipulate my emotions, I get very wary"
We all do, honey, we all do. You are not something special nor different than the rest of us as your Personal Fable convinces you.
"You have to ask yourself who would you rather surround yourself with, and who would you rather be?"
Maybe because the rest of us live in reality and do not create fantasy delusions.
In real life people have toxic jobs, toxic colleagues, toxic neighbors, toxic politicians, toxic media - which are there, they cannot be escaped by legal means, and they are intrusive.
----
(24.9.2023)
@alexia3552 "The attitude of a bully is to find anything they can portray as a “fault” and ridicule you for it."
Yes.
And additional problem is that with exposure to abuse - in time- we will interpret any feedback as bullying.
Which can be dangerous because we will refuse and reject learning from our mistakes and we will be in constant survival and defense mode.
" It leaves us feeling like we’re constantly messing up, "
Yes. Survival mode. Amygdala Hijacking mode. Hyper-vigilance.
Worry. Rumination. Pre-emptively declining any action, any plans and isolating ourselves for not being hurt again.
"and almost more confusingly, as if there were some way for us to behave “correctly”"
Yes!
And then we will get hooked to Rescuers inside Karpman Drama Triangle - where we will spend massive amounts of money on industry self help books or become codependent on advice from others which -all lead to nowhere.
" That critical voice has already decided its attitude toward you before you do/don’t do anything at all."
That is why I say that social anxiety (which is not shyness) is actually Quiet BPD.
Quiet BPD means internalized toxic shame and deep core self hatred where we believe we are incompetent and that our opinions and decisions do not matter since they are contaminated with anxiety, trauma, worry, fears.
So we become codependent on people who are loud, obnoxious, strong, violent, intrusive, rude, aggressive - because they appear without anxiety hence "normal".
-
I think neurodivergent mindset is natural consequence of abuse, oppression and unfair treatment. Our brain starts to have partisan gorilla tactics to survive in the jungle.
---
(25.9.2023)
This shows that people are not created to be leaders, we destroy everything.
We need AI - aliens - gods - anything supernatural to guide us. Not our human brain which is faulty and inferior to real life,
---
People pleasing is not sickness nor abnormality. Without it we would not have ability for empathy and connecting with others.
Other people would serve us as a tool that we discard after we satisfied our needs, trash it aside until the need comes again.
That is why we see the rise of narcissism in the world because HSPs , empaths, victims of abuse are explained that people pleasing is sickness and abnormality while abusers are never taken accountable for their abuse.
Our reactions, our brain , our thinking, our opinions - if we do not harm anyone with it - it is not sick. It is not abnormal, there is nothing to fix.
IF there are evil people who take advantage of our kind heart - it is the evil people who are the one and only and true problem. Not us.
This theme is seen over and over in toxic world -
if a woman is abused - the toxic society will blame her for being weak or choosing the hooligans, or dressing provocatively.
No one looks at the evil person who is committing the crime.
Somehow we are always at fault, not evil anti-social monsters.
--
Your attitude is why you will always be you. Anything is possible. Anyone willing to know truth is capable of changing even adhd torrets personality disorder. But as long as the same proud stubborn cultural beliefs are kept nothing changes and thus you believe you will always have your diagnosis given by a person that's not you.
---
" you believe you will always have your diagnosis given by a person that's not you."
I agree,
stigma, social societal pressure plays a huge role in our identity and well being.
Wrong descriptions lead to wrong misdiagnosis, wrong explanations from us and others about what we feel and how we interpret events and people.
And English medical language is misleading as well.
The term Disorder is making huge damage to self esteem to anyone trying to heal with CBT and DSM. Disorder does not mean disorder in medical terms, it means dysregulation and disbalance. However when non-medical person see this label stuck on our traits, our brain will create toxic shame that our personality is disordered and that our personality is equal to our symptoms and reactions to abuse.
Another term that annoys me is Rejection.
It is not rejection sensitivity at all. Anyone who was abused would love that people reject them so that they would not deal toxic people anymore. Instead of Rejection it is Abuse, Discrimination, Unfair treatment, Taking advantage of.
And Codependency. It sets of people thinking even more to be codependent and then overcompensating for not being codependent which leads to adopting toxic attachment styles such as isolation and avoidance. Instead of Codependency it is actually Self love deficit as Ross Rossenberg discovered.
When we understand that codependency means internal deel self hatred - now we are instructed to heal in correct manner - not by cutting people off and avoiding people altogether.
And finally social anxiety -
CBT and DSM explains it as fear of criticism and scrutiny.
This sets up people struggling with social anxiety issues to fear even more, it leads to panic and more of social anxiety because trauma reactions are explained as being coward while the abuser is explained as some god satan entity that is so strong and powerful that makes us afraid.
In reality social anxiety is trauma of expressing OUR OWN criticism and OUR OWN scrutiny.
This definition sets us up to heal social anxiety trauma - since panic symptoms are not explained as personality disorder and persona fault and damage in the brain as -cbt and DSM are explaining it with wrong words and hence misdiagnosis.
----
YT "How To Overcome Social Anxiety
"
"When someone invites you and you really want to go but then you feel anxious about it, go"
This is shyness.
This is not social anxiety.
If you label and pathologize normal human condition you are setting up the disorder, you are making people believe they have some disease that must be "overcomed" in some way. You are weaponizing psychiatry for the clicks, to appear as Savior inside Karpman Drama Triangle - and you do not care for psychological well being nor psychological damage that you do to anyone struggling with shyness.
"Every time you let that anxiety prevent you from keeping your word, you actually going to end up more anxious"
When you indoctrinate confused people that mysterious emotions and feelings are "anxiety" and labeled as "anxiety" you are creating mental illness in other people due to bias and quick misdiagnosis and wrong explanations about what HSP and neurodivergents actually feel inside them.
Nope. It is not anxiety. It is neurodivergency.
Our brain is not working as your neurotypical herd mentality groupthink brain is working.
Some people do not like small chat and this is not abnormality to cure.
"because you are not going to trust yourself"
Your "advice" is exactly path to self hatred and distrusting oneself. You are creating toxic shame in others, mental illness - that people do not trust their body and emotions.
"Life might be trying to bring you something that heals you"
IF that invitation is with cocaine abusers, alcoholic addicts, then hanging around criminals is not healing at all.
You have no idea where kids are invited to and with whom but your neurotypical brain is unable to discern real life.
"I'm f*cking anxious, you prevented your own journey"
Or... just maybe - this anxious emotions is actually trauma that needs examination. Not covering it up and masking it and making anxiety to be highly functional.
I hope your cult of followers is not big, you are dangerous person spreading misdiagnosis and serious mental harm to kids.
---
And sometimes Preparedness and Neuroticism is helping us not getting seriously hurt.
Real life is not roses and Hollywood movie.
Sometimes there is a rain in that garden of pleasure and happiness and smiling and imaginary fantasy of so called "good things".
When we ashame ourselves for how we act and behave which is not toxic nor harmful to be corrected in the first place - that is toxic shame and it leads to mental illness.
---
"This is true unless it isn’t. I kept forcing myself into social situations that I wasn’t adequately prepared for and it went horribly wrong every single time. Which ended up reinforcing more social anxiety in me. Agreed that you should always push yourself, but it’s a marathon not a sprint. And you should always start slow and work your way up."
Amazing comment which I save to my social media.
Neurotypicals have no idea what you are talking here. Because they do not have social anxiety. They label their shyness as social anxiety but in the process of misdiagnosis they are giving horrible message to anyone abused and traumatized, all those people who REALLY have social anxiety: that with exposure social anxiety trauma will go away and we will magically de-sensitize to crime, abuse and toxicity. We won't. And we really should not become de-sensitized to psychopaths nor psychopathy.
Videos like this about social anxiety are so psychologically detrimental to anyone with real social anxiety because it instructs us to develop toxic shame about trauma we endured and that somehow we are able to stop being traumatized if we re-traumatize ourselves.
---
Social anxiety disorder is actually Complex Trauma. This anxiety that we feel is called Amygdala Hijacking and it means we were abused and invalidated in childhood - so now the trauma is stuck inside our body.
Healing trauma means acknowledging and accepting and validating our experiences and our coping mechanisms.
Exposing will not help at all - because we have trauma stuck inside our body and being in childhood with untreated mentally ill people in authority who criticized us all the time.
Social anxiety is Quiet BPD.
---
"Life is for living, good or bad"
So when you end up with Amber who poops in your bed and accuse you of being rapist in false court trial and attempts to steal your money and destroy your career - it is something that is just is and we need to be meh about it?
---
Actually this is not relatable at all.
Social anxiety is not shyness.
It is an alarm system that we have experienced abuse and trauma that needs our urgent examination and healing. Anything else is Dissociation and Denial and Suppression of emotions leads to mental illness.
---
1) Texting, DM-ing is still a social contact. There is no fear of criticism here. If it were, nobody would text.
2) "Social media. Contrasting with our life."
This is Quiet BPD.
3) "Isolated from each other"
This would mean that criminals in prison would be all scary sheep - but as we see prisons in unhealthy countries like USA become even more violent after the prison term.
---
YT "The Paradox of Social Anxiety #shorts #anxiety #anxietyrelief #selfconfidence
"
"We try to soothe ourselves it is not big deal. Just get over it. It is not soothing, it makes us even more anxious. Show compassion and understanding for what you feeling."
Yes!
Social anxiety is toxic shame and Quiet BPD deep self hatred due to exposure to narc abuse. So self validation will work for social anxiety which is nothing else but Complex Trauma.
---
This is sociopathy, not confidence.
People mix up confidence with being a$$hole.
---
YT "GO TOO FAR: The Mental Hack That Cured My Social Anxiety
"
You are describing how to become Impulsive BPD.
That is mental illness.
You can't cure Neuroticism - Neuroticism is Big 5 personality trait, This is not sickness nor abnormality to cure. If you try - you will develop personality disorder.
Empathic accuracy is not empathy, that is narcissistic tool to use empathy as a tool to take advantage of other people and never actually consider how you effect other people with your behavior and words.
If we were not conditioned how to use our energy we would become psychopaths.
When we mock and diagnose preparedness this paradox will happen:
Preparedness paradox
The paradox is the incorrect perception that there had been no need for careful preparation as there was little harm, although in reality the limitation of the harm was due to preparation.
Inhibited and not being able to present ourselves is not error - it is Operant Conditioning.
This trauma happens when we are raised with untreated mentally ill person in childhood with criticism and invalidation - which you are doing here.
"Humiliation equals death" belief is Quiet BPD - it is after effect of being exposed to Impulsive borderliners like you.
Fears are not stored in Amygdala - fears are amygdala itself. And this is not sickness that requires lobotomy.
"If I go talk I'll be rejected and I'll be embarrassed"
And what happens instead of borderline obsession with rejection that the other person will deny service, help and actually abuse us? What happens then Sherlock?
Impulsive borderliners see reality only through rejection - you have no ability to see the narcissistic abuse and unfair accusations nor microaggression - since you are doing it all the time to others, which is personality disorder.
"Potential danger"
So your social anxiety template is that we need to go to some bar or some neurotypical orgy settings where we need to talk to random strangers and then being afraid of rejection if they do not talk back to ourselves.
That is not social anxiety. This is Borderline snapshot of reality (vaknin).
This obsession with rejection is Impulsive borderliner explanation of social anxiety. You are misdiagnosis and mis-representing social anxiety and you explain it as a mere shyness. Nope.
Social anxiety is analogy of being trapped in toxic job where we are abused and where we experience mobbing all the time and where we cannot quit this toxic job due to finances.
That is social anxiety.
Being obsessed if some cocaine sniffer alcoholic in a bar won't talk to us is Impulsive borderline narcissism and it has nothing to do with social anxiety.
Social anxiety is mobbing, narcissistic abuse and bullying. Which impulsive borderliners and narcissists and psychopaths like you are doing to other people - since you are obsessed with "rejection" - which in your egocentric mind you explain away as a mere social anxiety. You end up abusing other people because you are obsessed with rejection issues.
6:21 "Cause you meet somebody, let's say at a bar"
Yep. You are corroborating my story. You are borderliner, you are mislabeling social anxiety to fit into your skewed perception of reality which is seriously distorted and fantasy delusion where you are obsessed with bordeliner issues of other people admiring you due to unhealed trauma.
Social anxiety has nothing to do with speaking with strangers at a bar.
"Anticipation of judgement comes into play"
And what happens when judgment really do occur?
What then Sherlock?
"Body shut you down"
That is trauma. That is Complex Trauma. This is not sickness nor abnormality to cure - this is normal reaction to toxic abnormal abusive people.
"Overarching how to communicate better and freely"
So you have no idea that concept called Functional Social anxiety or Masked Social anxiety exists as concept.
You do not have social anxiety. You are borderliner, impulsive type.
You are mislabeling social anxiety because this makes you more attractive to new potential victims that you will abuse later on when they gain your trust.
What you call as social anxiety is rejection diagnosis for borderliners.
8:18 "Tension is the enemy"
Yes, it is enemy to BPD. Since you have no ability to control your emotions due to BPD and you see emotions as enemy - something to cure and destroy. Problem is that suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
8:28 "If you see me out, you will never see me just standing there"
Because you are impulsive BPD. You think that being social anxiety is sickness and you cure it with mental illness, being impulsive borderline.
You believe due to BPD that just standing there is abnormality and sickness, that it is shameful to be quiet and kind and nice. In your head, being normal healthy and sane is being sissy and feminine and that all the resources will be out of your reach if you do not grab it and abuse it. That is how BPD and NPD are thinking - you are afraid that you will miss your life if you are normal healthy and sane, and your definition of being "normal" is to be impulsive and to abuse and take advantage of other people and being in the centre of attention and to exploit and destroy and abuse anything that moves.
That is how we ended up with planet being drained with resources and climate change - because of selfish and egocentric borderliners and narcissists where psychopaths in authority believe that feeling orgasm 24/7 is their primary goal in life.
Nobody else exist - only your Diogenesis lifestyle is important.
Well flash news - you are in power and you are achieving in life - not because you are great and amazing - but because you are parasiting on quiet and nice people who shut up and say nothing to your madness. You are a parasite. Anyone without trauma would kick your annoying borderline butt immediately.
9:05 "I want to prevent subliminal tension"
You are preventing due to borderline disorder. You cannot manage your emotions due to psychological disorder.
This has nothing to do with social anxiety. You have serious borderline traits unexamined and totally unaware you have it.
Problem is that you are here spreading message to truly socially anxious - that they must become borderline impulsive who tap their feet because they should feel abnormal for being human.
9:19 "IT is very difficult to get out of it"
It is difficult to you because you have borderline issues where you have mood swings and issues with emotions due to exposure to abuse in childhood.
"Asking for energy"
Borderline. This is BPD.
Socially anxious do not ask anything, since they have trauma of being exposed to impulsive borderliners like you.
11:11 "Get out of here, I had stressful week and I unwind"
Borderline again.
Normal healthy and sane people do not abuse other people even when they do have stressful week.
You cannot handle other people who appear as "weak" in your head, that is borderline issue. Not social anxiety.
---
And going to talking to stranger is not social anxiety. That is neurotypical thinking, herd mentality and groupthink.
Social anxiety is when we are talking to abusive people who attack and mock us in toxic situations such as job which we cannot quit due to finances.
Talking with vaginas in a bar - is obsession for borderliners who think their worth is based on how much random genitalia reacts to fake mask which such narcissists wear, glib charm.
---
He is describing here how to Develop Impulsive Borderline disorder.
The quickest way to "destroy" social anxiety trauma is to become abusers ourselves: impulsive borderliners, narcissists and psychopaths who simply do not have empathy at all but use empathy to handle and take advantage and to parasite on other people.
That is why this planet is going to hell because people are "healing" their issues by becoming monsters.
And then social anxiety is passed onto the next generation, like a curse.
All because selfish psychopaths are not able to be aware how their behaviors, opinions and words are affecting other people. The only thing that is important to borderliners and narcissists is their own orgasm 24/7 and attempts to have orgasm all the time.
---
Just listen to him.
You are teaching Impulsive borderline illness here.
In your world social anxiety is talking to random vaginas in a bar and making them wet. And if some dude comes and wants to join you push him away since your goal is to feel orgasm all the time, you don't care about actual people around you.
In reality, social anxiety has nothing to do with talking with whores in bar and rejecting men who want to join in.
Social anxiety is complex trauma, and analogy is being trapped in toxic job with mobbing and abuse 24/7 and without being able to quit this toxic job due to finances. It is being accused, mocked, bullied, attacked all the time without ability to protect oneself.
That is social anxiety.
Talking to genitalia issues in bars is not social anxiety. That is borderline disorder.
---
". like all of these videos"
Yes.
90% of social anxiety videos are like Julien. Social anxiety is explained as inability to get vagina and that we must become Viking and scream and be strong macho. It is totally wrong explanation and wrong perception about what is social anxiety. Social anxiety is not shyness.
Social anxiety is trauma of being in abusive contact from which we cannot run away from nor fight it - since the abuser is controlling us through money and power.
And I have no idea why in general it is extremely hard for people in general to validate others?
Why everything must become sickness to destroy without actually listening to others what others are saying and trying to understand?
---
"Why should that make me anxious"
Because people grow up in ACoA ACe toxic ambient in childhood where they are criticized all the time as children. In early age when brain is developing and is supposed to be in secure safe ambient where brain comes to conclusion that making errors is normal developing thing from which we learn.
Instead with exposure to untreated mentally ill borderline and narcissist in authority - we are explained that anything we do is wrong all the time and that we are wrong ourselves. That is why social anxiety becomes issue in adulthood.
"no reason that I am feeling anxious people stare and judge me I live my life I want to live"
Unless you are feminine gay and when you live your life as sissy you get mocked all the time for living your life the way you want to live your life.
Unless you are in toxic job which you cannot quit due to finances and the boss and colleagues are nitpicking your natural errors ALL THE TIME and making it into catastrophe and calling you names that you are incompetent $hit and vulgar words like that ALL THE TIME. Then normal person would feel actually anxious. Actually if someone does not feel anxious in such bullying mobbing situation - that person is abnormal and sick. Only psychopaths cannot feel emotions - and that is mental illness.
I do not understand why it is hard for you to understand this?
As if you are Sleeping beauty and you spend your 19, 20 years under the bell jar or what?
Or your brain has serious deficit in interpreting reality and you are really slow to process reality?
"In high schoool all looking at me and I had to sing a song" "I didn't let it get to me"
That is not social anxiety. That is shyness.
On the other hand, if you had to go to doctor in Eastern Europe and you asked help for allergy and incompetent doctor thought you are really sick with real illness and treat you with medicine which is wrong for you along with verbal abuse - that can lead to social anxiety in the future of not trusting people when you have some issues which only other people can help you - but instead they abuse you.
"Do you"
unless we are not macho men, being different from the norm is impossible to do you. Unless you prefer to wear mask and pretend to be something you are not.
You are simply egocentric and suffer from Confirmation bias and Availability Heuristics.
You think all people had the same life as you did - and then social anxiety issues appear as "cap" to you - not because you are correct, but simply because you were privileged and had entitled life up until now.
---
" Because there really isn’t."
So.. when Amber poops in your bed and tells the world that you are rapist and tries to steal your money with false court trial - the feelings of injustice are imaginary fantasy? And we ought to allow toxic people in our life to steal all the money and hurt and abuse us all the time?
Are you saying that?
---
"Yea it’s really just a mindset you have about yourself 💯
"
Neuroticism is Big 5 personality trait.
IT is not mindset. it is persona. Personality trait.
Like in movie from Disney "Inside out" everybody hated the neurotic emotion - however this emotion helps us to be prepared and to perform well in life and to improve ourselves.
Suppressing emotions is really bad idea and it is really bad idea to listen to some random video due talking about psychology and actually trusting him 100% as if you do not have your own brain to sort what is real and true.
---
Being obsessed with socializing is people pleasing and codependency, It is mental illness this obsession with other people and seeing them as over lord god to worship.
IF we live in narcomany drug abuser part of city, it is really bad idea to hang with criminals, mafia and murderers just for the sake of being afraid of being lonely. You may end up in prison and then really be isolated and alone for 30 years.
--
"The only way to overcome something is by actually doing it
"
No.
Operant Conditioning is hypnosis. You cannot remove hypnosis by doing anything .
IT is removed with process called Extinction.
---
How could you be diagnosed with CPTSD since this is banned in USA?
American medical industry bans any trauma information because it would cost money and people would actually get healed and medical industry would go broke with correct diagnosis.
CPTSD is recognized by WHO's ICD-11.
Pharma mafia of CBT and DSM is blocking this information to the masses.
---
YT "How Does a Fear of Failure Play Into Social Anxiety?
"
It is not fear.
It is trauma.
When we believe in CBT DSM wrong explanation that social anxiety panic is fear - we become victims, we believe now that we are inferior and cowards, sissy feminine sick abnormal for feeling "fears". That is how toxic shame will interpret CBT wrong misdiagnosis - where trauma is explained away as fear.
When we believe in CBT explanations that social anxiety trauma is fear - there is actually nothing that will help us with dysregulation - CBT wrong misdiagnosis and CBT labels will cause even more fear and anxiety and panic.
That is why CBT must be banned, it is doing incredible psychological damage through ableism and wrong explanations of trauma and ignoring trauma in the first place.
When we have these so called "fears" - that is Operant Conditioning.
Low self worth does not come with rain, we did not catch low self worth by walking in the street and then catching it like common cold, out of nowhere.
Low self worth comes with ACoA ACE trauma - being exposed to untreated mentally ill narcissists in authority over long period of time - narcissism and narcissists which CBT ignores and places all the blame onto victims of abuse
CBT exposure will not help.
Exposing will only make social anxiety be masked and functional - but the basic unhealed unprocessed trauma will be buried deep down.
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
Dissociation is mental illness and CBT is instructing us to develop mental illness and to adapt to toxic neurotypical madness groupthink conformism herd mentality.
---
YT "✨GRWM to overcome my social anxiety 💗 #getdressedwithme #fashion #ootd
"
Narcissism is one way how to remove social anxiety.
However being psychopaths without emotions is actually really bad idea.
---
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
The only person who gets help from self help industry books are Machiavellians who write that garbage.
---
"you just ignore the fact they hate you and just calm down""
How actually you ignore abuser in situation from which we cannot run away from, Pollyanna?
---
Cute, but it's totally and absolutely wrong.
What you are describing here is CBT description of social anxiety: that it is a mere shyness.
Social anxiety is not shyness.
Social anxiety is not issue of talking to random idiots in public or having small chat with potential psychopaths.
Social anxiety analogy is being stuck in toxic job with mobbing and abuse 24/7 stemming from all sides- from boss, clients and colleagues - and in the same time you are unable to quit this toxic mobbing job due to finances. And you are unable to defend yourself because they are all psychopaths, borderliners and narcissists (which means they love drama and putting quiet people down, easy targets to abuse).
That is social anxiety. It is trauma, it is being exposed to narcissistic abuse.
Social anxiety is not issue of talking with random strangers.
This so called fear of talking to people comes as after-effect of being exposed to long term narcissistic abuse and then to a third party (people like you) it appears as if social anxiety is a mere uncomfortable feelings in social situations.
This is why CBT is ableist therapy and needs to be banned.. It is spreading wrong explanations about mental health issues where victims of abuse are treated as abnormal, while psychopaths and narcissists are never taken into consideration or accountability at all. They walk away from crime scene hands free.
--
He is borderline and he interprets his narcissistic injuries as social anxiety, because this looks much less psychopathic and much more empathic and attractive to new victims.
---
YT "1080 Unmasking Social Anxiety
"
"racing heart, sweaty palms, mind buzzing with thoughts"
This is not something that we caught randomly by walking in the street. Nor it is something that we invented to alleviate bordom.
Social anxiety stems from ACOA ACE childhood, exposure to narcissistic abuse.
---
YT "How I Overcame Social Anxiety #lifecoach"
Feeling worthless does not come out of thin air nor we caught this by walking in the street, like a common cold or flu.
Toxic shame is brewed inside narcissistic abuse and ACOA ACE environment while growing up.
And this cannot be "cured" or "overcomed" by doing the opposite, because this happens:
The Other Laundry List
To cover our fear of people and our dread of isolation we tragically become the very authority figures who frighten others and cause them to withdraw.
To avoid becoming enmeshed and entangled with other people and losing ourselves in the process, we become rigidly self-sufficient. We disdain the approval of others.
We frighten people with our anger and threat of belittling criticism.
---
YT "Don't FEAR tough conversations."
You are absolutely correct - conversation is important and we need to address important issues.
However in real life - people who trigger issues and problems are Borderliners and Narcissists and Psychopaths and hence mentally ill. This means - such people love drama and problems and they do not want it to be resolved or brought into the light because that would expose their evil agenda and their incompetence as human beings.
When we have "tough conversations" this turns into talking to a wall. The other person simply do not listen to us nor has brain capacity to interpret what we are saying.
So what happens in real life - is that we waste our time and energy on someone who is abnormal sick and evil and instead of resolving problems - we end up being hysterical and reactively abusive and they use the data which we provide volunterally with the hope of resolving issues - later on as a weapon against us.
And yes - you are totally correct -
as white heterosexual male - you have privileges and entitlement in life. As a white heterosexual male - you will get job much quicker and easier than anyone else. As someone who gets erection on vagina - your pay salary will be much higher than anyone else. So you as a white heterosexual male will have much easier life since abnormal, sick, neurotypical toxic society interprets the skin of your pee pee as an automatic proof of competence. Since your white skin pecker gets hard on vagina, you will experience much less mobbing at job than the rest of us who were not so lucky to be born with silver spoon in our mouth where society worships us with what we were born with.
So it will be much easier for you now to patronize all of us and for you to be self-righteous, where you live in a fantasy delusion that all success in life is because of personal fable of yours where your "skill" and "competence" made you into success - while in reality it is your white sausages in your trousers that is opening all the doors.
---
Yes, you do not know. That is the problem. You think you know, but you have no idea what is social anxiety.
Yet in the same time with all not knowing, you find words to patronize others.
---
Social anxiety stems from trauma and exposure to abuse.
Where abusers brainwashed us and gaslighted us into belief that we are abnormal and sick for feeling abused by them.
---
"Thanks for the comment, but I'd advise you to be very careful tossing out diagnoses like that, especially if you are not a licensed professional in the mental health field."
I'd advise you not to abuse your patients and not making money off their trauma.
Otherwise I'll report you to authorities and get your license removed for malpractice.
---
Yes, we carry a lot of burden of shame and guilt and we are convinced that we did something wrong.
And when we ask for help, other people will tell us it is nothing, we are too sensitive and we are imagining it all. Which makes it more worse instead of better.
IT is like adding fuel to the fire for the hope it will extinguish but instead adds more fire and explosions.
We are being brainwashed and told lies about social anxiety from official medical industry. CBT and DSM explains social anxiety as shyness and over-reaction that we imagine.
Nope.
Social anxiety is complex trauma.
There is real trauma entity emotion stuck inside our body - and it is unprocessed unhealed trauma. We did not cause it, we are not responsible for it and healing trauma does not mean ignoring it or suppressing it - but talking about it and learning about narcissistic abuse-
because
with trauma stuck inside us - we will attract psychopaths and narcissists. We are easy prey for all kinds of predators. The covert narcissists are the worst - since they will play pretend to be kind and nice - by exploiting our wounds and we will accept them into our private lives because they appear friendly and kind and nice - only to abuse us later on.
This trauma inside us must be acknowledged , validated and accepted. And we need to accept and validate our core Self as we are - with all our perks, quirky, errors and imperfections. In order to heal.
---
YT "How to Overcome Social Anxiety & Your Inner Critic | The Self Improvement Podcast
"
Social anxiety is anti-dote to psychopathy and being impulsive borderline and narcissist - so I do not understand why are you pathologizing social anxiety as something to be ashamed of and something to destroy and treat as bag of $hit.?
Toxic shame is at the root of social anxiety yet you choose toxic shame and rejection and pathologizing and weaponizing psychiatry in order to "cure" us for being quiet, nice and friendly and kind to others.
Why narcissists do not go to mental institutions? Why we are not spending our focus, time and opinions in making demands that psychopaths and narcissists go to brain scan in order to detect psychopathy in the brain - and then forbid them from working with people, like criminals are not allowed to work in kinder garden nor someone who is mentally ill is forbidden from having a driver's license.
Why in this toxic polluted narcissistic planet being quiet is something to destroy and hate, while criminals and narcissists and psychopaths are considered competent and better and strong?
0:14 "holds them back from being amazing"
It is 14th second into this video and you are barfing toxic shame.
We ALREADY ARE amazing. Having issues with anxiety is not personality trait, it is not persona. There are no conditions in self acceptance. How much narcissism and borderliner issues you have inside you? You are doing so much psychological damage with garbage you speak here.
"Curse"
Nope. Anxiety is not curse. Anxiety is normal emotion which comes as reaction to mentally ill evil people.
"it holds people from so many opportunities"
Nope. Psychopaths hold us from opporunities,. Evil people , narcissists, borderliners like you who speak evil and toxic shame - that is who holds us back. Not detection of mentally ill evil people.
I can't watch this anymore. Disgusting.
---
"I like that mantra, "It's safe to be me."
I don't understand.
This narcissistic bordeline person tells you that you are abnormal for being imperfect vulnerable human being and in the same time to be safe to be you?
She tells you that you are garbage for having being in contact with toxic people like her and that you must be safe to be yourself.
Feeling emotions and feelings is us. This emotions are not external other people's reality. IT is us.
Rejection of ourselves leads to narcissism and borderline issues like this person in video.
---
YT "How I “Cured” my Social Anxiety in Just 1 week (No Bullsh*t)
"
First of all,
You mix up shyness with social anxiety.
You were shy, you never had social anxiety in the first place.
You use psychiatry concepts and quickly place it and label anything that moves as "introverted".
If you were really introverted you would not have "your boys" at all.
Obsession with talking to strangers is called Neurotypical, herd mentality, group think, conformism.
In your video you do not explain what happens when you ask for something and the other person refuses to help you even though they can. What happens when they abuse and attack you out of no valid reason.
Social anxiety is not asking for mustard on your hot dog.
Social anxiety is being trapped in toxic mobbing job with constant yelling and screaming 24/7 without ability to quit this toxic mobbing job due to finances. That is social anxiety.
Watching porn and pleasuring yourself has nothing to do with social anxiety, that is your confabulation which you were brainwashed over internet.
It is better to find scapegoat than to actually look at trauma and toxic people around us whom we must either confront or cut contact.
Introverted people do not smoke weed - since they do not go to drug dealers.
You never had neither social anxiety nor introversion - you simply convinced yourself into self pathology and labels and stigma that appeared as closest explanation to your Borderline disorder issues which hide behind behind your obsession with talking, approaching vaginas and strangers and being manly man and being afraid of being "retarded" as you label it.
Introverted people do not play soccer. You never ever had introversion - you simply convinced yourself that you are sick and abnormal and then "healed" this abominations by overcompensating and masking. Introversion is not sickness nor abnormality.
Once you have enough life experience you will discover that many people out there are mentally ill, psychopaths and narcissists - and it is actually better to avoid large portion of population, especially if you were not born with silver spoon in your mouth so most people are alcoholic criminals around you who smoke weed.
In your age it is normal to have erections and to pleasure yourself.
IF you shame and stigmatize your pee pee , you might end up like serial killer - watch their biographies, they all were obsessed with no fap in adolescence.
You tend to place quick labels on anything that moves. That is called Confirmation bias and Availability heuristics and Hyper-cognition. This oversimplification will create delusions and fantasy and confabulation in your life and it will end up and being borderline.
You believe in Borderline belief that certain trait such as high testosterone will make you strong and macho and that all evil in the world will vanish. That is fantasy. Personal fable.
Hormones are inside your body - if you become obsessed with toxic masculinity you will start to take steroids - and you can read that many serial killers were on steroids - since it changes the brain chemistry-
You will end up thinking that being quiet and kind and nice is feminine and sissy and abnormal.
And that being strong and macho and intrusive means being competent. It isn't. It is annoying and abnormal - and you will scare normal people around you - ending up parasiting on traumatized people who are to afraid to run away from you.
---
It never occurred to you that labeling certain neutral and normal urges as sickness and abnormality to cure will lead to mental and physical illness?
---
"Correcting those thoughts as they come into your mind"
is mental illness.
This leads to PureOCD. OCD.
Any thought correction is self abuse and it leads to hyper-vigilance and rumination and worry.
"They expect me to fail. You need to correct that thought"
IT is not that easy.
IF we are convinced that other people hate us - that is trauma.
That is Quiet Borderline issue
That is RSD - rejection sensitivity dysphoria.
And all of these are Complex Trauma. It is operant conditioning where we were exposed to ACoA ACE ambient of punishment and negative reinforcement such as constant criticism.
"Say Stop just Stop"
Nope.
Just accept and validate your experience and dysregulation.
Learn about Complex Trauma and have love and acceptance and validation and understanding for having those trauma reactions which appear as anxiety on the surface.
Why is it so hard to love - and it is so easy to self abuse and self pathologize ourselves?
"Genrally other people do not want other people to fail"
So you never been to the Balkans :D
You never experienced narcissistic abuse OR more probably you never discovered that narcissistic abuse exists.
So you convince yourself that you are the problem and that you can correct evil people by self abusing your brain and your own natural reaction to toxic people.
"Most of the time we're rooting for other people"
Yes. Normal, healthy, sane people do that.
However abnormal, sick evil people do not and there are a lot of sick evil people out there.
It would be dangerous that we convince ourselves that evil does not exist.
With such moral relativism we will be abused and psychopaths will come into power over us - since we will always blame ourselves when evil people start with coercive control and manipulation techniques o brainwashing and scapegoating. And gaslighting.
"Most people are too busy thinking about themselves"
Normal and healthy and sane people.
Other people are very much concerned how to take advantage and harm and cause pain and hurt to other people that they are zoomed onto other people like leeches which you cannot shake off.
---
Because all people who appear and act super confident are actually extremely confused and insecure about who they are - so they act being confident. This is called Overcompensation, it is Masking. Being fake.
When people are not authentic they play pretend and invent a mask, a persona to play and this soon leads to abuse.
Because narcissists build fake image and any criticism or reality or feedback will crumble their fake world - which leads to abuse and drama and hysteria.
And usually who are traumatized and codependent will stay with such fake people and take on all the abuse and drama and hysteria onto themselves.
---
Toxic society makes us hide and be ashamed of our neurodivergency.
Because neurotypicals cannot handle thinking, or emotions and they destroy anything that is different that the herd mentality and groupthink and conformism.
Problem is that Masking, Overcomensation leads to pruning our own skills, and powers and our authentic self who we really are.
Just imagine what would happen if Nikola Tesla was masking his train of thoughts and persona - we would never have wifi, electricity or radio today.
Masking our Self leads to toxic shame - which is deep self hatred and when we hate ourselves deep down - we will start to make bad decisions in life, we will cut out good people and we will invite monsters, narcissists and psychopaths to abuse us and become codependent on them. Due to this inner toxic shame internalized inside.
---
Masturbation is normal and healthy in young men. It certainly does not cause social anxiety or any sickness.
You have your own common sense and as years go by you will naturally find the balance - if you respect yourself and doesn't come with narcissistic ideas that you must be perfect in order to impress other people to admire you.
---
Just stop your self indulgent rambling and logically think for a second.
Just imagine what kind of trauma had to happen for someone to be afraid of people and socializing and talking.
IT had to be trauma, repeated and abusive.
Nope, it has nothing to do with skills or techniques or mistakes nor mindset.
----
Narcissistic abuse sets us up to be extremely sensitive to any kind of abuse.
Even those "normal" levels of someone being jerk or inconsiderate - normal human mistakes and learning processes that we all go through life to learn and skill at - now become unbearable and that is the most damaging part of narcissistic abuse - it sets us up in survival mode and all people become monster who are hard to endure, listen and be around with.
That is why it is said that narcissistic abuse isolate us from other people.
Not because narcissists forbid us to mingle and socialize - but narcissists make us incredible sensitive to inconsideration at the smallest level.
And the most damaging part is that we do not realize that at all, we operate on triggers and flashbacks and we do not actually become aware that we are under hypnosis, walking wounded and that most people are not actually evil nor toxic - its just that narcissistic abuse warped our perceptions to see most people as bad monsters who are abusive and toxic and psychopathic.
In reality , they are not. Most people are not bad.
Unless we live in really abnormal toxic countries like Eastern Europe.
---
(26.9.2023)
"everyone wants to be special, and gets labeled special ..no one is special ,"
You got it all wrong. RSD is not feeling entitled at all - however I do agree that to a third party this RSD over-reaction looks a lot like entitlement and desire to be treated in special way - but really it is not.
The difference is the same as in Autistic Meltdown and a child being hysterical.
Meltdown means going berserk without any feedback or looking at reaction of the other person.
While hysterical child uses hysteria as weapon to modulate and change behavior of his mother.
I see this pattern in adult world too.
Narcissistic abuse is hysteria and rage in order to control the target of abuse.
While the target of abuse will usually have Reaction to abuse which will appear to the third party as being abusive. This causes so much confusion.
Our toxic society (and I blame patriarchy for this) is based and hypnotized into thinking that person who is loud, strong, macho is correct and competent, while person who is quiet and withdrawn is abnormal and sick and incompetent and always in the wrong and really does not need to be listened to nor understood at all.
This is like Jane Elliot's 1968 Blue Eye Brown Eye Exercise - where she demonstrated that children who were discriminated showed symptoms of mental illness such as social anxiety issues and inability to remember or score high test scores - which they were perfectly able to score before the abuse.
At first, the minority group, brown-eyes, resisted. Elliot told them that the blue-eyes children were smarter because of their blue-eyes. Children stopped resisting. Brown-eyes became timid and obedient.
Jane Elliot - Blue/Brown Eye Exercise (1968)
--
Yes, it does sound like a common issue - that EVERYBODY is reactive and nervous.
However there is a difference in the frequency and intensity and rumination before and after the incident.
Most people get defensive once or twice in the year.
Anyone who's gone through microaggression over long period of time especially during childhood (ACoA ACE) narcissistic abuse - will experience RSD once or twice every minute in a random social situation. As oppose to neurotypicals who display it rarely (unless they live in toxic ambient with toxic job like the Balkans where shame and shaming others is the culture).
Young American explained why she left Croatia:
"In Croatia people constantly express intrusive opinion about matters which are none of their business. The most irritating things were rude people."
(poslovni hr amerikanka napusat hrvatsku)
---
@Keesho " I developed social anxiety randomly when I was in high school."
We do not caught social anxiety randomly, out of nowhere.
This is not condition that we get like a flu or common cold by walking in the rain.
Social anxiety does not fall out of nowhere. IT actually has its roots in abuse and ACoA ACE environment (constant criticism).
The problem is that kids who grew up with untreated mentally ill person (narcissist, impulsive borderline) are in such toxic ambient since the birth - so they do not notice that abnormality - it is like being fish in a water without fish being aware that it is in the water type of confirmation bias.
People are born with two fears.
Only two fears:
Fear of falling and
Fear of loud noises.
We are not born with fear of people staring at us in high school. This type of fear is conditioned by toxic people and untreated mentally ill people who will never ever consider that they are psychopaths and they will never ever seek help - since they are not aware that their brain is abnormal and sick and needs to be institualized. Instead what happens is that normal and healthy people are infected by toxic people and we end up in therapy or with unresolved trauma, and then we label these mysterious and intensive reactions to long term abuse as "random trigger in high school".
"There was no specific event or trauma that caused this"
So yes, there was long term event called Complex Trauma, Complex PTSD. You simply do not notice it since it was normal for you to be abused, it is norm for everyone who suffer from social anxiety issues: being exposed to put downs, criticism, error nitpickings.
24/7.
"The “social anxiety is cap” mindset is actually really helpful."
No. It is not.
It seems helpful to you because we grew up with mentally ill parents. So they programmed us to believe that we must never show emotions, we must never talk about feelings and things that bother us, and that the best way to solve problems is to push them under the carpet after the scapegoat is sacrificed, blamed and ashamed and punished for reacting to abuse.
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
With today's media - everybody knows this common fact, you don't need to have PhD in Psychiatry or psychology to learn that fact.
"We just gotta be ourselves regardless."
That is the abuse brainwashing.
You think that feeling social anxiety panic is not yourself. You think that is sickness and abnormality that must be masked and hidden away. This Dissociation will lead to plethora of physical illness related to immunity, cancer, allergies, skin rashes, trauma will eventually show up in the body no matter how much you try to suppress it and deny it and pretend you don't feel anything "unusual" and out of given norm.
", I don’t know why you’re taking this so serious. "
Because this is serious topic. With untreated social anxiety trauma - people can isolate themselves and become delusional, like the author of this video, making confabulations based on nothing.
"Type how you would talk in person to someone. "
Please do not order me how to talk, when to talk and why I talk.
That is simply none of your business. You don't be intrusive and don't command people around. That is rude. And of course you do not see it as rude since you have unresolved trauma inside you which you resolve by arguing with people and ordering them how to think and how they should talk - instead of looking at yourself and your own deficiencies and flaws and errors.
You simply become abuser yourself - and spreading social anxiety onto the next generation , like a generational curse.
---
"it is extremely rare that I lash out at the individual whom has rejected me"
Because we are conditioned through media and CBT and DSM to control ourselves.
This control subliminal control of masses was invented to control very small part of population which is psychopathic.
And that is breaking down in USA with more massive shootings as internet teaches us how to snap out of mass brainwashing.
CBT after all was invented in Nazi Germany by Goebels and Paper Clip Operation brought it into America and it was functional in late 1960 along with another Nazi project- Moon landing.
The problem with everyone else who is not psychopathic is that when we suppress our reactions to rude and aggressive and intrusive people - we develop Quiet BPD. We end up with mental illness just to be good and nice and not react to psychopaths in power and authority.
---
YT "What Is Rejection Sensitivity and How I Manage It #adhd #rejection
"
It's not always fantasy.
Common RSD triggers/real life unfair situations, which are not based on fantasy but real abuse:
- someone random complains about our errors when we done superhuman efforts to avoid ALL mistakes which 98.5% percent of people never invest neither physically nor mentally
- toxic person complaining and expecting us to know something for the first time without mistakes
- Protesting: someone toxic complaining without fair assessment and basing their protest on bias and prejudice and oversimplification
- Protesting: trauma panic symptoms related in an attempt to express OUR OWN judgement and negative evaluation and holding criminals narcissists accountable for their crimes and hidden selfish agenda of exploiting others
- Not conforming
- Not masking our neurodivergence (When we are being authentic self)
- Being criticized for our neurodivergence ("Why you talk that way" and similar commands and orders)
- Conforming (fawning) to unreasonable standards and neurotypical norms
- Conforming to narcissistic abuser and psychopath who would punish us if we don't conform to their Coercive control, hidden agenda and manipulation and pathological lying
- us speaking the truth to fake people and toxic people who have hidden covert agenda to exploit others
- Being exposed to Negative reinforcement Breadcrumbs hoping positive reinforcement will come instead
So basically any person who is older than 17 years old will be able to discern fantasy from real life situations of abuse.
I do not understand why ADHDers cling to CBT.
CBT is ableist therapy. It is the same thing as if we were Jew living in pre-1945 Berlin and we go to Nazi HQ for instructions about human rights. CBT is based on psychopaths in charge and authority and it is devoted in destruction of anything that does not conform to Neurotypical mindsets. CBT is Medieval tool of Spanish Inquisition and Crusades in 21st century.
This way CBT explains us that RSD is fantasy, that we are over-sensitive drama queens who must be calmed down and that our protest against psychopaths in authority is invalid, stupid, sissy and feminine, something to shut down and hide away in shame.
---
YT "RSD Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria - Strategies to manage"
Unfortunately detaching ourselves from situation will not work in real life situations.
And RSD in most cases is real reaction to real abuse. It is not our fantasy nor imagination. It is just that we were brainwashed by psychopaths and narcissists in power to self blame our selves and to brainwash and gaslight ourselves as scapegoat.
When we feel RSD this is actually due to real life situations where we are literally abused, brainwashed and gaslighted:
So nope,it is not our fantasy nor confabulation.
We are simply inside narcissistic abuse being abused by a psychopath and or narcissist who are skillful and experts in manipulation, in blame and shame shifting. That is RSD - being in toxic ambient surrounded by toxic people who blame us in order t control us, to manipulate us and to take advantage of us, to farm and to milk us.
So the strategies to manage RSD are the same , exactly the SAME strategies how to handle narcissistic abuse, how to come with narcissists and how to react to psychopaths.
Psychopaths in CBT are trying to brainwash us in order that we become sheep - so most people will never protest against abnormal and sick anti-social predators in authority, when we are instructed to shut up and self censor ourselves and to ashame our legal and normal reactions to criminally insane untreated mentally ill abusers in power.
---
YT "Conquer your inner critic, otherwise you'll regret it #shorts
"
You mix up various emotional states and fuse them into a inner critic. That can be dangerous.
Look at it like this.
Imagine we are abnormal sick person who treats other people like crap. And let's say that we are not psychopaths - so we have normal brains with amygdala and guilt and conscience. Then - when we treat other people like crap - we will feel guilt and shame, and if you label this as inner critic to destroy and control - you will continue being jerk and abuse other people around you. So this voice helps you become normal and healthy person who is not anti-social.
Another example is Rush Stockton. He was stubborn in his idea that Carbon fibre submersible is amazing for exploring Titanic. He has inner critic in form or outer critic who warned him that his invention is crap to be imploded, but with each successful visit to Titanic, Rush Stockton thought he has successfully controlled his inner critics. Until he became mass murderer and killed 4 people due to his "control of inner critic".
You see -
all people have Big 5 personality traits. Which are totally normal and they really ought NOT to be controlled at all. One of 5 personality traits is Neuroticism. Which you label as Inner critic in this short video (not knowing what choice you want to pick).
Neuroticism helps us to make best and safest decision. The way neuroticism will communicate its conclusions with us - since it is emotion and has no mouth - is through what you believe is "inner critic".
So if we go along with your idea of lobotomy -
we will actually destroy our safety mechanisms inside us. And that can lead to catastrophe.
Inability to see how Protection helps us in life to have better, healthier and smarter life than without it is phenomena called:
Preparedness paradox
The paradox is the incorrect perception that there had been no need for careful preparation as there was little harm, although in reality the limitation of the harm was due to preparation.
So the reason why you head is still on your shoulder today to make this video - is thanks to your inner critic voices and urges which prevented you from driving drunk or becoming addicted to cocaine or hanging around with losers who appear cool to traumatized kids.
Sure, our inner critic can become sick and hyper-active when we were gone through Operant Conditioning narcissistic abuse such as ACoA and ACE.
But this does not mean that inner critic is abnormality to destroy and remove.
It means we have trauma which is unresolved and needs to be understood and educated about.
The same way I am educating you about the true purpose of inner critic.
When we are exposed to untreated mentally ill parent in childhood who is criticizing us all the time, blaming us for anything that moves and put us down - we will develop severe inner critic.
Now the inner critic is severe due to trauma.
The inner critic itself is not bad or abnormal or disgusting and something to destroy.
The only problem is that inner critic was traumatized, and programmed and hypnotized to over-abuse us all the time. This phenomena is called Operant Conditioning.
The same as with classical Pavlovian Dogs- we salivate when we hear or see triggers- our inner critic starts to go berserk.
The common theme or pattern here is narcissistic abuse which is the cause of over-active inner critic and it is really bad idea to pathologize ourselves even more, to use psychiatry as a weapon to discipline us into "normality". Really bad idea to invalidate and self abuse in general - since that is narcissistic abuse itself.
---
YT "Strong Inner Critic #selfbelief #selflove #selfcare #innercritic #lifecoach #selfimprovement"
"The origin of these messages is not you"
true!
It is Operant Conditioning of being exposed to narcissistic abuse over long period of time. (ACoA ACE)
---
Basically I see it like this:
any person struggling with anxiety, and especially social anxiety - is a victim of narcissistic abuse.
The anxiety is real and based on real and actual abuse. Narcissists like to gaslight and brainwash their victims into doubting their reality.
So any person who claims issues with social anxiety really need to be validated - and their anxiety needs to be explored and uncovered - and it is always toxic people behind it triggering the anxiety.
If we cover up anxiety and let go of anxiety - we are missing to learn that trauma is shaping our decisions in life. And that we need to make plans to leave toxic ambient and learn red flags how to recognize toxic narcissistic and psychopathic predators who are skillful in manipulation and coercive control.
---
(27.9.2023)
Therapist cannot tell you what to do in life. He cannot give you steps to take -
because that is manipulation and control.
You need to activate your own internal GPS compass and make your own decisions in life , how to react to difficult situations in healthy and proper and sane manner.
Therapy's purpose is to learn that there are certain concepts which we mis-learned in ACoA ACE ambient while growing up.
For example,
with critical borderline parent we have learned that if we talk what bothers us is only done in splitting: either through high drama and destruction of contact OR being silent and suppressing opinions and never discuss issues.
We learned that there is no middle ground and we learned these things on subliminal unconscious level - and therapy purpose is that we get education about this and hence snap out of hypnosis - operant Conditioning from childhood and toxic ambient and exposure to narc abuse later on in adult life.
Think of it like scene from Barbie (2023) movie when the lead characters talks other Barbies into sanity - and their healthy memories pop up back into life. Then they are authentic self and their inner common sense (super ego) tells them what to do in life, not the actual therapist.
---
YT "When u're living in the present, that is where life starts to make sense. #mentalhealth #depression"
Yes, we are at peace if we live in Disney Hollywood movie.
When we live in toxic ambient with toxic people around us who are supported by psychopaths in authority then living the present is living in hell, not in peace.
---
YT "How We Store Trauma
"
Ableist CBT instructs socially anxious to deny and suppress trauma and interpret trauma as personality disorder and something that can be explained through ABC method - where we label toxic narcissists psychopaths as a figment of our imagination.
---
@ErikSchmidt-pf9ve Yes.
I was actually coming back to this video to write at another comment.
With Fawning - we will tend to "help" others excessively at our own detriment. That is self abuse. Due to punishment and verbal abuse we learned to fawn and to be codependent on harmful and abusive people. Staying in contact with criminally insane person who can harm us is self abuse.
Another example is when we try to please others through fawning - due to exposure to punishment and verbal abuse - we learned not to hear the other person who actually might refuse our "services".
Then due to fear and punishment, ingrained into brain - we will do it anyway, disregarding what the other person request and denial of our help. That is paradoxically abusive - and disorder part is that we are not aware that we are breaking other person's right and their will and their freedom and their choice. In our heads we are operating from the fear due to Operant Conditioning in ACoA ACE ambient where we were programmed to fix other people and be their caretaker at our own detriment and without listening them really what they want or don't want.
So this "disorder" and "abuse" is not the same as real anti-social disorder nor real abuse - where criminally insane person attacks others and harms them physically or mentally.
That is actually what Grannon is talking here in this video.
Fawning type of abuse is different "disorder" than the real narcissistic abuse.
Also,
I would replace ableist words such as Disorder.
They are misleading and abusive, like Quiet BPD type of fawning abuse. This word Disorder was invented without actually considering other people - and when we do not consider how our actions affect other people - that is personality disorder at its core.
I would label differently abuse stemming from Impulsive BPD and narcissists and psychopaths. Their abuse is different from the self abuse and running on fear and panic of being punished type of self abuse. We lack the words to describe these important distinctions - and that is proof that CBT must be banned, it is ableist, egocentric invention by mentally ill people in medical industry, narcissists and impulsive borderliners who are praised by toxic society as competent just because they are able to be cruel and to be harm to other people with words and actions.
---
Another important thing to mention is that all people are abusive in some way at certain level.
It is only social constructs, cultural rules that are setting the borderline about what is accepted cruelty.
Problem is that narcissists and psychopaths are valued on this sick planet - and they will tend to be in managerial seats and making decisions and settings the rules about what is acceptable.
So until 1960s it was acceptable norm that women are sissy and abnormal and less worthy than men, as persons with different skin color than white. It was the abuse of powerful men that set this mentality and norms.
In this way, it is easy to understand why some people weaponize psychiatry and ignore narcissists and psychopaths who are causing mental illness, and instead label abused people and reactional abuse as abnormal and sick.
---
YT "Transform Toxic Guilt and Shame: Empowering CBT Methods"
I recommend Doc Snipes and Dr Ramani as the best online help, they are top tier. Their secret is in humanistic psychology where they validate our issues instead of using shame and guilt as a tool to discipline us so that we somehow snap out of toxic shame illness by feeling more toxic shame.
The reason we have toxic shame and toxic guilt issues are toxic people, narcissists and psychopaths who use our guilt to control and manipulate us.
Doc Snipes did not mention that the world is divided into Guilt Culture and Shame Culture. Fear culture exists on Greenland.
Guilt culture countries are in the West and Australia, while Shame culture countries are in the East, Africa and the Balkans.
Also there is subdivision map such as Catholic south in Italy, puritans south in USA as shame culture territories, where religion is used as a shame tool.
I dislike CBT because it is ableist therapy and it is Dispositional - which means CBT ignores Situational aspects such as environment - such as Shame culture countries and territories.
This means, when we grow up in toxic shame household and even toxic shame country, we will have ACOA ACE operant conditioning to have urge to feel responsible for everything and anything that goes wrong. We will be hypnotized to feel automatically guilty and wrong for errors any kind of errors, our own or other people's errors and that our task is to fix errors and to fix angry people and their moods. This is programming - this is not something that can be removed through CBT logic and CBT makes it worse - since it won't help us at all.
Operant Conditioning is removed with Extinction - which means when we are triggered to feel shame and guilt - that we feel some other compulsions and urges other than trying to fawn and fix abusive predators who exploit our trauma through verbal abuse.
19:00 "Identify all the aspects of this situation that you cannot control. And then identify all the aspects of situation which you can control. Guess what, in any situation there are things you can and things you cannot control. It's important not to feel guilty that are outside of your control. That means cognitive restructuring."
In shame culture ambient we will be actively punished and we will experience Negative reinforcement by toxic predators and criminally insane people who cover up their evil and illness from public.
CBT does not see this - that we are exposed to various punishments and Negative Reinforcement Operant Conditioning.
Problem starts when we are in situation where we cannot leave toxic people - due to lack of finances.
Then we are stuck with person who criticize us all the time.
22:40 "That's on them, they choose their reaction. You can empathize and support someone but only they can change their feelings and their reactions."
That right here.
That is why CBT is wrong therapy.
It does not see real life situations.
In real life - toxic people are not only reacting. They actively hurt and harm other people - which is dangerous in system which allows them without any accountability. For example they may have power, they may use unethical corruptive methods to stay stuck on managerial leading authority position - where they freely hurt and harm others without being punished for their crimes.
This is huge problem in toxic ambient such as living in abnormal country like Serbia - which is probably the worst country and it is good for example here: that we must have job, and in the same time this job is toxic, people are abusive to you on this job, clients are abusive, boss is abusive, there is mobbing - and you cannot quit this job due to lack of finances or shelter to support yourself. Plus the paycheck for this toxic job does not cover your essential needs for month - hygiene, shelter, food, clothes. There is no support in the system since the whole country is being run by cocaine mafia connected to Putin and drug and weapons overlords around the world.
So basically - you will end up feeling toxic shame and toxic guilt in such settings - and CBT does not address such impossible situations.
CBT tells us that we ignore the abuse and that we pretend we are okay and that we accept them being abusers - which is enabling the abuse to continue., it is rationalization of abuse.
CBT tells us that when we are hysterically screamed in our face at that we accept this as norm.
And we don't need to go to Serbia to experience this - any alcoholic home in the West - any child who is depended on sick parents is in the same position. The difference is that normal healthy countries do exclude and take child away from such toxic home such as in Norway.
CBT tells us that if we accept abusers - that we won't be back stabbed eventually. CBT does not address that we will get fired eventually just because we are different and we irritate toxic people. CBT does not address oppression and unjust systems filled with corruption.
Humanistic therapy on the other hand - would tell us that we develop trust in our own brain and ability that our brain has capacity to come up with new ideas and innovations how to handle impossible situations without developing mental illness.
CBT on the other hand tells us to endure and to suppress and deny reality.
Humanistic therapy will explain us that living in impossible situations is not our fault and that it is normal to develop mental health issues in toxic ambient. CBT ignores validation part and that makes CBT extremely damaging therapy.
22:50 "Your initial feelings; anger, fear, happiness, curiosity, disgust, whatever it is – that's a natural and automatic reaction based on your learning and your prior experiences. That's not something you can really change. But how you continue to feel – you have a choice."
Yes, that is Humanistic Psychology. That is not CBT.
CBT tells us that we are guilty for feeling panic. Social anxiety is explained as hallucination and we are instructed through ABC method to nitpick our natural reactions to abuse. Which is brainwashing and gaslighting and enabling abusers and rationalizing evil people to absolve them from their crimes and not taking them be accountable.
I believe the problem with holding on to grudge is that CBT does not recognize Complex Trauma and hence neither dysregulation.
Dysregulation is something outside of our control. We cannot choose it to remove it - it is remnant of ACoA ACE exposure in childhood. Dysregulation comes in package with inner critic and self blame which makes us believe we are contaminated for simply being in abusive situation which we did not instigate. That part CBT ignores.
This feeling of contamination will make us fawn and feel guilty and contemplate self harm as a tool to handle abuse.
---
Excellent comment for this topic! On target here!
This is what CBT does not understand - that real life situations is where predators are actively abusive to us. It is not that they have reactions which we can simply ignore - abusive predators actually have power to make us homeless.
That is what ableist CBT refuses to acknowledge as fact of life.
With that being said,,
with Quiet BPD we will tend to interpret jerks and a$$holes as narcissists.
Plus we will tend to believe due to splitting that we only have 2 options how to handle "narcissistic" bosses:
1) that we go into rage mode and quit
or
2) that we stay quiet and fawn and feel panic and guilt and endure it each working day and on weekends worrying and ruminating about past and potential future abuse.
In reality -
this person actually may not be narcissistic.
In this case - he may have tough economic issues and he tries to save up money for business so that he is not forced to fire you.
OR he might be addicted to cocaine so any cent is important for him to keep his addictions.
He might have mistresses that he pays their apartment and STD clinics so he needs every cent to pay for someone's AIDS which he spread around.
What I want to say here - is that he might have totally valid reasons (from his own needs) why he is cheapskate which actually validate his hysteria.
With Splitting we will tend to 1) feel guilty for someone being angry and 2) we will try to fix and solve someone's anger in order not to be punished.
So we will believe we will be punished if we speak back our opinion and thoughts.
This is what CBT does not understand - that we have issues how to deal and handle difficult people due to toxic shame and toxic guilt.
CBT will tell us to practice Assertiveness - but in real life narcissists use our reactions to make fun of us and to use our reactions as weapon to accuse us as abusers ourselves and that we are abnormal ones.
CBT does not explain narcissistic abuse nor that with BPD which is nothing else but Complex Trauma - that we will tend to see everyone as narcissists and dangerous.
That belief needs to be challenged.
Not all people are absolute narcissists described in DSM.
Some people actually act as narcissists but they are not.
Some people have narc traits but they have competencies to evaluate when they are over board.
So this information will help us to actually start to Negotiate with people - which I prefer as word better than being "assertive".
For example,
in situation you have described - I would say something. I would say I wanted to promote our firm.
OR Ok I will watch out, I cannot read your mind and you can tell it in more polite way.
The mentality is here to have Sinead O'Connor protest mentality. If she tear Pope's picture in conservative 1990s on national American TV - then we can do the same thing with people who are annoying and behaving as narcs.
Sinead O'Connor taught us to expect being punished for expressing our protest - and we need to be aware of this.
Still it is better than living our life in fear of angry people.
I hate CBT and I would ban it, but I would agree one thing with CBT -
and that is - that our beliefs about other people are based on some kind of hallucination. We see people in black and white - and this is called Splitting.
We go around with abuse and trauma (which CBT denies as concept) and we actually we all people through the filter - which we are not aware of.
We believe if some person is talkative- that this person is abusive - because abusers in our life were talkative.
Or if we experienced covert abuse - we will believe that silent people are plotting abuse and that they are dangerous.
In reality - not all people are 100% stereotypical - and this gives us handy set of tools which we never learned in our ACOA ACE childhood. We can actually assume with scientific facts - that not all obnoxious, lout and vulgar people are serial killers who actually will not cut us into pieces if we protest their abhorrent behavior.
Sure most of them will nag or complain, but we can simply reply what we said, and use even some behavior which we suppressed before - such as screaming and yelling at them.
We need to use our common sense - if this abhorrent behavior of what appears as narc abuse is on repeat and happens every day - then it is quite clear that this is mobbing and narcissistic abuse- and even after we warned and alerted them - it is best to consider and plan relocation.
With ACOA we have learned to be silent and that we appear as goody goody and smile like Barbie to everyone so that they do not hate us. Unfortunately - most people will take this reaction as signal to be jerk around us. Paradoxically not because they hate us - but because they ironically feel safe with us that they can dump their frustrations on us.
---
That inability to feel good as person is toxic shame itself.
This self hatred is Quiet BPD and it will shape our decisions in life at our own detriment.
---
Basically we end up in therapy while untreated mentally ill people walk free and end up in managerial seats.
---
"Go no contact
"
Yes,
if we live in a Hollywood movie or if we are heavily delusional and have full blown Schizophrenia - we actually might find fantastic job and buy villa in some other country and we can at snap of our finger work our visa and properties bureaucracy papers and third parties such as elderly or children will become superhuman and pump money out of their a$$es so that they can support themselves.
In real life however No contact is luxury and privilege, not a real choice.
---
" I also tend to think those abusive people must have learned their bad behavior somewhere while growing up and didn't ask to be taught those behaviors.
(I'm definitely not justifying such bad behavior and anyone who has such behavior should self reflect and find help. But they must have learned it somewhere. 😬🫣🤦🏻♂️🤷🏻♂️)
At some point it's incumbent upon us to change bad behavior for ourselves.
That doesn't mean the rest of us shouldn't try to understand what makes abusive people like they are... "
I agree. This is actually something I am thinking about right now, too.
I noticed that when I experience some bad situations with toxic people - that I isolate myself. And that is my repetitive pattern - I cut myself off from the world in order to protect myself from bad people. Obviously isolation is not healthy - and it will lead to holding on to grudge and rumination and feeling shame and guilt.
And this is the tricky part -
obvious solution is that we do not isolate ourselves - and Catch 22 is that this means we will be wounded by those bad people and their bad and irresponsible behavior.
We are not police,
we are not judicial system,
we are not doctors
- so we cannot protect ourselves from slander and toxic abuse at all. We cannot arrest bullies, we cannot throw in jail psychopaths and we cannot commit the criminally insane into asylums.
It is as if we are chicken for the wolves to eat us- and that is our only function in life.
Unless we change the way how we see ourselves and how we react to toxic people.
What would actually happen if we absolve toxic people from their crimes and move on with our lives.
Does toxic people control our finances, do they hold the decision that we would be homeless if we must quit toxic job and never find another job?
I would look at what amount control toxic people have in our lives - and what can we do about it?
Instead of being trapped in worry and rumination and holding on to grudges...
-
28.9.2023
@IaminPayne "what if you have speech Impediments and agoraphobia symptoms and neighbors ALWAYS mock u"
This is what Dr Dodson talked about ADHD.
ADHD.ers also are mocked about their neurodivergent brain (behaving and thinking and talking in different way than majority - neurotypicals). That will end up as Rejection Sensitivity issue.
He said:
Average child with ADHD hears 20,000 additional critical or corrective messages before their 12th birthday. That can have significant impact on self-image and self-worth. They have feeling they're profoundly defective, incompetent.
YT William Dodson
And as soon as self worth is destroyed, toxic shame sets in automatically, and we are stuck with social anxiety complex Trauma.
Some people resolve it by Fight response - they attack and abuse other people. That is what Julien is teaching is you ever came across his channel.
Usually all men resort to this response and we end up with patriarchy catholic taliban system of rigid rules and narcissism and legalized corruption and abuse.
Some people use Flight response and they isolate themselves, which is avoidance AvPD.
Some people like me who are forced to stay stuck in dysfunction are only left with the option to Fawn - which is people pleasing and fixing other people moods and serving them in passive and submissive way which ends up as QuietBPD. That is path of CBT and that is what is being taught here in this video.
Trauma is problem here - that is the pattern,
Along with toxic people who trigger trauma.
And that is what Julien does not speak here.
He only speaks that we scream and yell - and that is Impulsive Borderline and Cluster B anti-social approach - it can end up as jail sentence.
---
Problem is with trauma - everything will make us unwell and unsafe and uncomfortable. And then anyone will be toxic. Everything will feel off. And that is the problem - because CBT will explain us that we are hallucinating and we should endure toxic people. Then we end up with fawning and people pleasing in order to survive corruption.
I would agree that we need to cut toxic people, however as Richard Grannon is talking in this video - when we do not have ability to make decisions based on calm mind - because we are in survival mode all the time, in hypervigilance - we will end up with avoiding everybody.
I see solution in education about what is dysregulation and complex trauma and BPD Splitting - where we label anything that moves as either toxic or as savior.
Yet another thing is to realize that due to trauma - we will feel automatic urge to fix other people and we will feel responsible for them being angry - that we come to terms with fact - if someone is angry all the time - then yes - we need to cut contact as soon as possible as our finances and circumstances allow us.
---
YT "One Question To FINALLY Determine, IS IT NARCISSISM OR NOT?"
"Try a different assumption. Ask – is it adaptive or maladaptive? Do they suffer or people around them suffer because of their disorder?
Because if they're not suffering from their disorder that means it's not maladaptive. And that means it isn't really a personality disorder. How do you know they're suffering? Is it possible that they don't really suffer?"
Whoa
This is an eye opener.
Because yep - the most fawning and people pleasing and self censoring comes from the deep belief that I do not want to hurt toxic person and anybody who is intrusive and aggressive - because I believe that they are suffering and I do not want to add pain to them by being honest and authentic to them - so I resort to Negative Politeness (not saying the brutal truth in order not to hurt someone's feelings).
I never actually step back and see - that they are not victims, They are not helpless. They are abusers and they enjoy their life. They are hysterical and angry - but this is tool a mechanism. During most of the day they do not suffer, worry nor ruminate at all.
"Stop gaslighting yourself and culture gaslight you into thinking it's your responsibility to help people with mental health issues. There are highly qualified, very high IQ people with Master's degrees and PhD's, who are medical doctors who are out there trying to do this and failing. Meanwhile you're holding down a job or you're so sick from the effect of abuse you can't work – and you're going to try to fix this?
No. That's not my job."
hehe
true.
Now I understand -
When I am in contact with toxic people - with fawning I am trying to fix them.
When I shut up and self censor - I am trying to fix them.
When I ruminate and stay stuck and worry and try to find solutions - I am trying to fix them.
Spending any contact and trauma response on them - it is an attempt to try to fix psychopaths and narcissists.
---
(29.9.2023)
A lot of people confuse their narcissism with social anxiety.
When their narcissistic supply (other people's admiration and validation) is cut off - they will experience narcissistic injury - which they will quickly label as social anxiety.
Then they will be confused when they read about social anxiety and when people report abuse as the cause of anxiety.
This is how CBT got wrong results from their research in social anxiety in mid 1990s.
Shy people and narcissists responded to CBT DSM research in social anxiety - and now DSM describes social anxiety from misdiagnosis perspective.
CBT and DSM treat social anxiety as mixture of shyness and narcissism - where we are supposedly afraid of criticism. In reality - real social anxiety is trauma (not fear) of speaking out our own criticism.
CBT and DSM "experts" due to Researcher's bias are doing incredible psychological damage to anyone struggling with social anxiety due to this bias and wrong conclusions about social anxiety.
CBT ought to be banned.
---
And CPTSD is Quiet BPD, sub-type of BPD. Quiet BPD is being quiet, friendly, nice even to abusive people. Quiet BPD is people pleasing, fawning, being pushover.
With Quiet BPD we are explosive and abusive towards ourselves without being aware that we self abusing ourselves.
In the same way as Impulsive BPDers and psychopaths are abusive to other people without being aware that they are abusive to others.
What is why externally empathic and silent and functional Quiet BPD is in Cluster B along with criminally insane psychopaths.
We are abusing ourselves without ever noticing it.
And as with BPD - we are abusing ourselves because of panic, trauma, flashbacks and triggers and inability to know better way how to treat ourselves.
We have found the most perfect and the most healthy model to be healthy and sane with other people - and in the same time we fail to do the same model to our selves, deep down to our core Self.
And paradoxically due to this deep seated toxic shame - we are convinced that we do not have successful model in relating to other people - and we are compelled to become even more perfect and even more nice. Which re-traumatize us - since this Negative Politeness will always place us with abusers and being codependent - since we are afraid of listening to our own gut and our goals and what makes us happy in life - we put that aside and serve others.
Because the alternative is to be somewhat rude and cruel to others.
Which with unhealed trauma - will make us Impulsive BPDers. Toxic people will trigger us and due to BPD splitting - we have only two choices in our minds :
1) treat people as garbage and spit them
or
2) treat people as kings and fawn to them.
There is no middle ground nor spectrum,
all because of deep unaware toxic shame inside us, totally outside of our awareness.
That is why we find hard time to hang around with abusive BPD predators - since they trigger us into these two painful models -
and we are unable to learn the spectrum due to deep seated self hatred and self rejection.
If we are unable to handle hysterical, abusive people other than rejection and avoiding them - it is a sign we have deep seated self hatred of ourselves - since our self worth depend on how other people treat us. Not on how we treat ourselves.
We never learned that in AcoA ACE ambient and now we are stuck with self rejection masked as empathy and being nice and pleasant person who suffers complex PTSD symptoms (aka quiet BPD).
---
" But NO amount of feeding into their cycle, will break it or enhance it positively. "
Great comment.
MissErotica states the position of Moral Relativism and CBT where toxic people do not exist and that we are making other people toxic by canceling them.
Nope. Traumatized people who choose Fight response are CHOOSING fight response. IT is a conscious full aware choice and mode of relating to others through abuse. This is what CBT and moral relativists are hiding to say as fact.
Any person who is like Putin or Trump criminally insane - is abusive and sick because people who were in authority over them in early life - were not punishing their psychopathy early on.
And that is because we live on toxic planet - where society in general believes that if someone is loud and arrogant - that this Dunning Krueger Effect means being competent.
IT doesnt.
Dunning Krueger tells us that people who are in glib charm and arrogance mode - they are not competent at all. In fact they are idiots. But society does not see this.
I was thinking about this yesterday.
How toxic people are blindly guided by their fakeness - that they actually do more in life. They risk more. And they have more experience in life than people who are sane, moral and ethical and who are considerate of others and try hard not to harm other people in Trolley Problem (when there are no good results as alternative).
Psychopaths will simply bring decisions to harm others without thinking twice about it -
and on this planet we are always placed in such decisions in life - where we are forced to harm and hurt others in some form or another.
Psychopaths will do it.
We won't - we will hesitate and procrastinate and we will feel bad afterwards.
Psychopaths won't. they will not ruminate at all. They will never think twice about people that they hurt with their decisions. So they will be successful in life - society will reward their psychopathy, arrogance and ability not to feel pain for hurting certain number of people with their decisions.
That is why patriarchy is here in the West. The whole system is built on psychopathy and we are all abuser-centered - and we make psychopaths into heros. While quiet, worried, neurotic people who care about others are perceived as sissy feminine freaks of nature that must hide away from public eyesight and whose social anxiety issues must be cured quickly and in secrecy, as if it is STD.
The question is - what we want from life?
What are our goals?
Making money and impress people who don't give a damn if we croak tomorrow?
If we are hating ourselves deep deep down, we will be obsessed about loving and taking care of psychopaths and trying not to cancel them.
We actually need to develop some of poison and start to be cruel to cruel people.
Society teaches us that we can either be monsters or sissy feminine saints.
Society is teaching us to develop BPD Splitting - that there is no middle ground.
And then psychopaths end up in power and we end up with silence and self censorship and CPTSD who take care of psychopaths and we attend to their feelings and try not to hurt them with our canceling of them.
--
"Some of us make very good friends"
Which will work as long there is no criticism. Then if there is criticism - $hit will hit the fan.
Without criticism we will never receive feedback or constructive data about what we are doing wrong.
This way we can end up doing extremely bad decisions in life - since there is no one to criticize us - because we have successfully placed "boundaries" around anything that triggers us - critical people.
Also,
this friendship is only a small spectrum of life. We also have our job duties where friendship will work only if there is nepotism and corruption to have privilege in the company. IF not - we will experience mobbing and abuse at work. And we will need to go through the process of discipline and punishment and not getting the correct data to do the given task.
IT is great when we have protection from the boss - but if we are on our own - any error will be trigger and re-traumatization if person who is monitoring us is abuser and impulsive BPDer.
Same goes for family dynamics or neighborhood, living in a corrupt chaotic country without rules and laws where cocaine mafia is making own rules and runs the police and judicial system.
So friendship is small part of life. Friendship won't put food on our table nor pay our rent.
There are plenty of other areas in life where triggers will leak and test our immunity to stress and punishments and criticism and attacks from others.
We can make boundaries in healthy and sane country and healthy ambient, we can quit any toxic job filled with mobbing - if we have money to relocate and to have a car to drive to job , or money for transport and we can sell our property and leave third party (where elderly and children can magically have ability to poop their money in order to survive so that we don't need to take care of them) but in real life - most of the time we will be constricted by real life circumstances and we won't actually have much option to choose to place our boundaries and hence protect ourselves from triggers and re-traumatization all the time.
I would place the bottom line about ourselves-
who we are inside.
What are our true goals in life.
Are we someone who has no hidden agenda to harm or hurt other people no matter what circumstances?
Or are we psychopathic and we actually do not care and we feel no pain if other person is hurt by our decisions and actions and opinions?
That is the core spring from which all problem leaks.
Those who are afraid of harming other people will become codependent on toxic people to fill the void of self rejection inside them by guiding them in life and approving them and validating them with the cost of abuse.
While those who are not afraid of harming other people will only find fruitful grounds to parasite over people without boundaries because they are traumatized and who seek saviors with glib charm to guide them in life.
I am not sure if impulsive BPDers are afraid of harming other people, and I seriously doubt that they have mechanisms inside which warns them that what they are doing to other people is wrong.
Impulsive BPDer will be guided with magical idea that boundaries are the solution for regulating themselves. And this boundaries mean hurting and harming other people around them through abuse and treating others as trash. Because deep down they are greedy and have no ability to really empathize with others or really experience other people as human beings, other than being objects for them to satisfy their needs and discard when finished.
So ability to be "great friend" when thing go well is not functional model and it does not absolve abusers from their abuse.
-
I dislike DBT because it lacks deep self validation.
DBT is third wave of CBT - and CBT itself is narcissistic abuse and ableism.
Think of DBT as professional mafia and criminals and corrupt politicians and corporations in the West who are virtue signaling, who have learned to appear meek and empathic to the general public just for the public image. But behind sheep's skin is wolf inside.
Like CBT, DBT will help us to be Functional and Masked. But deep core trauma is still there - and narcissistic abuse is still inside us making decisions for us. DBT does not address this because criminals in medical industry are making huge profit on our trauma and making sure that trauma wound is split opened and never healed-
This way pharma mafia has endless source of money income, by banning trauma information while in the same time making us obedient slaves who are somewhat functional in life.
Instead of DBT there is Humanistic psychology which actually works for trauma issues.
---
"Save you own life. Walk away, immediately"
In real life we can't walk away.
Comments like yours are kind and empathic, but good intentions are road to hell. Because you are convincing us that toxic people are powerful while we are doomed to hide and run away.
The central issue is that with narc abuse we will hate ourselves and we will be convinced that we are incompetent to live life.
And your kind and nice and empathic comment is doing this paradox - you are telling us that we must never consider alternatives other than running away like sheep at any sight of danger.
Soon enough we will run when anyone who acts and appear like they control and are abusive to us but in reality they are not.
Yes,
it is common sense that we walk away - and we will do it.
If we have money, if we have shelter, if we have support and if we do not have inner critic doubting our every decision - we will actually isolate and avoid all people who appear abusive and controlling to us.
Then we will end up with Avoidant Personality disorder and Quiet BPD - because we will believe we are incompetent slobs who are unable to protest and speak the truth and check reality and investigate what is happening and is this abuse and control a pattern or one time incident.
Most of us do not have neither money nor support to simply walk away - other than risking being homeless and being exposed to hooligans to pee in our mouth and kick us in heads with their boots when we sleep in the streets.
---
This planet worships psychopaths and criminally insane who learned to mask their abnormality with glib charm and arrogance.
--
This is exactly why I dislike DBT.
It is Dispositional attribution.
DBT tells us as if extreme external locus of control is a choice and it can be turned on by press of button and switched off the same way.
As if we walked in the street one day and we caught denial and personality disorder of being codependent, like a common flu or cold, we caught it. Or as if we were so bored in our lives so we consciously chosen to destroy our own life with bad decisions and depending on other people to approve us.
DBT totally ignores Situational Attribution - that we learned toxic beliefs, through toxic system, toxic country, toxic people. That we were actually exposed to Operant Conditioning of punishments and negative reinforcements and constant criticism 24/7 around any smallest mistake or any action which was actually neutral - was pressed against us as if it was our personal fault.
This way DBT instructs us to develop Quiet BPD deep self hatred where we are abnormal just because, and exposure to trauma is equal to our self worth, where experience of Operant Conditioning abuse is fused with our personality.
This DSB is the same to say that Pavolvian dogs are slovenly and have disorder because they salivate when they hear the ring. That they are not good behaved disciplined Royal dogs who do not make mess when it's feeding time.
-
I doubt that EMDR can help with deep ingrained toxic shame which is at the root.
EMDR will simply make us Masked and Functional, but our core decisions will still be guided by trauma. Another term for this is being a Zombie.
--
"Life for me at least is better not being around them."
Which is amazing if we do not live in toxic shame culture country where all people around are toxic all the time (intrusive, shaming and aggressive). Then the only way to stay sane is to develop Agoraphobia and Avoidant personality disorder-
-
YT "How do intrusive thoughts trigger you and make you unhappy?"
Things not mentioned in this video:
intrusive thoughts may be stemming from ACoA trauma. This means - trauma is broadcasting them. The problem is trauma, not intrusive thoughts themselves.
Another untold fact in ableist CBT - is that intrusive thoughts are part of neurodivergent brain - where our brain is using all possible scenarios to explain people ,events around us - which is highly healthy and normal and sane, there is nothing sick here to cure.
Yet another fact which CBT is hiding from us - is that intrusive thoughts are part of Neuroticism - which is Big 5 personality trait - so it is not sickness to cure or destroy. In fact if we remove it, as CBT is ordering us to do - we will develop personality disorder - since we will prune our persona off. Which leads to mental illness.
Neuroticism keeps us safe - it allows us to have better quality life. This is called Preparedness paradox - where we are not aware of good aspects of being safe and preparing safety.
Now the reason why our neuroticism might be strong is AcoA trauma, being HSP or living in toxic ambient where we are exposed to Operant Conditioning of punishment and negative reinforcement where toxic people are causing intrusive triggers but they gaslight us to blame and doubt ourselves. that we are too sensitive.
This way CBT is hiding important facts from us -and totally relies on Dispositional Attributions.
This is why CBT must be banned, it is doing incredible psychological damage.
-
Pure OCD information is banned by pharma mafia in medical industry because they make tons of money by hiding correct information from us. Otherwise they would not be able to parasite on our trauma.
-
"Intrusive thoughts are like a toddler asking you to buy a candy at the store"
False equivalence bias here.
What happens when we are horrible person and treat other people as trash.
Then any inner voice that tells us that we are abusers and toxic - will be explained as annoying toddler.
Please be careful with bias nonsense which you farm in your head.
Sometimes negative emotions and difficult mysterious phenomena is not always bad poop that we must discard and never learn from it.
-
What happens when intrusive thoughts are related to our serious errors and flaws which we must corrected in order to avoid serious mistake?
Think of Rush Stockton - he perceived any constructive warning alarm criticism as intrusive thought which must be ignored.
Then he ended up killing 4 people because he ignored intrusive thoughts.
Life is not so easy as CBT tries to manipulate us into Moral Relativism.
-
I ended up with fawning and severe people pleasing after 20 years of CBT.
CBT never explained that toxic people exist. CBT always says that we are generating ideas of toxic people and it is our fault if we are abused - that our thoughts create definitions of abuse. So only tool to survive toxic people is to fawn to them.
-
Simply be done with them. Not obsessed what they can or cannot be. Not mad. Not angry. Simply done. Over and done.
-
Most therapist are instructed by CBT to Moral Relativism.
That is because when we actually start to label someone as toxic - this can make toxic person permanently toxic. Any person needs safety and security and acceptance in order to be healthy, by society and by ourselves.
So the system, medical system will never be our companion. They, CBT and DSM, does not see us as people. We are simply a mass, a sheep that must be guided to farm and milk us until we croak.
The idea that we find a voice and actually start to separate ourselves from bad sheep - does not work well in capitalism nor socialism - because it polarizes society.
So we will never ever receive validation and acceptance from the most therapists. This is something we are left on our own devices - that we do not depend on therapist to be validated and told that we are correct.
Therapist cannot go to every court session and testify that your narcissistic partner was abusive.
So we live in abuser-centered society where toxic people are protected and worshiped as competent - since they go into risks without thinking twice about it, nor they are neurotic and hesitant.
Capitalist and socialist systems are built on progress and society that is greedy and where individual is good only if shows traits of leader, someone who is not afraid of making criminal actions.
Society is deeply sick and most therapists are product of such society.
In reality, Dunning Krueger shows us that people who appear "strong" and loud and charmful and boastful and arrogant - are the least competent. This means that such people in leadership roles will create damage to society and planet - as we see in climate changes.
-
(30.9.2023)
"quiet BPD is a term taht was recently invented by psychiatrists"
Recently?!
It was invented in 1994,
the same freaking year that CPTSD was discovered!
" to account for CPTSD"
You're confabulating here. I will have hard time to take your words seriously now.
" I would also argue that abusive people with BPD are just people with CPTSD "
They are evil.
They do not have excuses.
Their abuse is deliberate and it is a full choice which they can fully control.
-
In general, I see our mental struggles come from inability to construct better models of thinking and comprehending and inability to see that our way of processing data is not abnormal, it is neurodivergent and there is nothing to fix with how we process reality -
it is the tools of how we shape our future based on abuse that is warped due to ACoA.
Basically , we have no idea what is like to live in state of no hyper-vigilance, that things and people who worry us, would not be so important in the state of Ventral Vagal.
-
We need to understand that when we are authentic, honest and truthful - we will inadvertently remove many of fake masks from plethora of covert narcissists who pose as "friends" , "service", "help", "victims" or "strong", "macho", "leaders". And they will hate us for it.
If we do not understand narc abuse - we will tend to self blame and believe manipulators what they explain and set up for us to believe.
Similar to thriller movie "Hand that rocks the cradle" from 1992. Once the psychopath in the house, unexplainable chain of misfortune will follow, like domino effect. Mostly through their gossip and pathological lying and exploiting our weaknesses and flaws and mostly our needs and voids.
-
"Love exists when it is given away, not expected. Hate is a lack of self awareness."
Sounds like Moral Relativism here.
If we make excuses for pathological liars and evil people - they will rule us.
If we think love is rigid philosophy, we will end up with attachment styles issues.
-
I think any of us struggling with neurotic issues (fears, panic, guilt) - we are already pretty much aware of abuse and psychopaths around us.
This phenomena is called:
"Depressive realism is a hypothesis that people with depression are more likely to accurately assess certain situations than those without depression. Two professors of psychology, Lauren Alloy and Lyn Yvonne Abramson, developed the depressive realism hypothesis in the 1970s."
-
What I find particularly disturbing is that I have been reading psychology books, self help industry books, online articles since 1996 almost on religious basis.
And that it is only in 2020 that I learned about trauma as concept and in 2021 the term Complex Trauma - and Quiet BPD a mere two weeks ago.
That part is seriously disturbing.
I have feeling as if crucial information is hidden away from us.
BPD splitting explained so much messed up things in my life which I could not explain and which social anxiety resources labeled as "cognitive distortions".
Something is seriously wrong here regarding concepts which are hidden from us - yet they exist since 1988 or 1996. 20 years is a long time to be wasted on misdiagnosis and not being told the truth and whole truth.
-
@Mtzwrrd Yeah, I think we need to revalue all the psychiatry jargon that we are being fed with.
Intrusive thoughts can mean a lot of things.
1) we could be living with someone who is criminally insane. Then it is normal to have intrusive thoughts - it is natural reaction to someone dangerous. Intrusive thoughts here are an alarm.
2) we could be toxic person who treats other people as garbage and hurt them. then when we get isolated and alone since everyone avoid us - we will get intrusive thoughts.
Or of someone hurt us back - we will get intrusive thoughts.
These intrusive thoughts are nothing but conscience, guilty conscience.
3) Or we could get general anxiety intrusive thoughts - that due to lack of awareness or due to heavy gaslighting - we have no idea where these come or stem from.
From all I know from experience - these intrusive thoughts are actually symptom of BPD and Complex Trauma - and there is a body of trauma stuck inside our body and we have no awareness what or who traumatized us. We simply skip that important data by worrying
4) Another intrusive thoughts explanation could be our high nervous system - that we are HSP, empath, that we have high Neuroticism - which is Big 5 Personality trait. We simply have then high tendency to worry and gather safety and be concerned about being safe. And there is nothing to fix here - only to accept and adapt to it.
So here are 4 reasons for intrusive thoughts - which we are not explained at all.
Toxic society labels intrusive thoughts as OCD and instructs us to make drama about it - and then we add drama on top of it and make ourselves delusional.
Instead of mass hysteria and lack of information - I would actually investigate what is the true reason - why we have intrusive thoughts.
CBT will mislead us into wrong alley of self blame and developing shame about having these intrusive worries rumination thoughts.
-
1.10.2023
@Mtzwrrd "when we tend to be overthinkers is way worse"
This is why I dislike CBT and DBT.
They both explain us that our overthinking is bad and that overthinking is pushing us into mental health issues.
While in reality these two things are happening, behind the screen, which neither CBT nor DBT address since they lack empathy:
1) overthinking is actually acquired from us in any kind of job. We would literally be kicked out of any job if we did not overthink. So overthinking is socially conditioned into us - and there is punishment and negative reinforcement for not overthinking.
Also, outside crony corporation world - if we are parent and we do not want our baby or child to die - we actually have to overthink all the time 24/7 to keep the infant safe and well fed and that the child does not swallow some object or touch something dangerous. So without overthinking we would be accomplice to a murder.
Rush Stockton didn't think much about his carbon submersible and each successful attempt to visit Titanic wreck was a proof for him that his not over-thinking was working. Until he killed 4 people aboard due to not thinking about safety nor functionality.
2) overthinking comes as a reaction to some danger and not being safe. It is See-saw effect.
CBT and DSM are Dispositional Attribution - which means it will blame only ourselves, our emotions , our reactions and our feelings and emotions for feeling panic or rumination. CBT nor DSM will never use Situational Attribution - actually looking outside of frame, out of the box, the environment will never be examined. We will be brainwashed to blame ourselves and to think if we remove and fix our feelings and emotions that somehow we will always be happy and we will never worry.
In reality - if we over-think - that is a clear sign that we are trying to make something better and more safer and it is either because we are forced to do it (obligation of some sort, contract) or we have high moral and ethical standards to not harm anyone with our actions.
So if we follow CBT and DBT and stop over-thinking - we will compromise the quality of life and safety - either of ourselves or other people around us.
CBT must be banned - it is hiding away from us crucial information and uses toxic shame to discipline us into Dissociation and lobotomy - so that we are quiet silent robots for narcissists in authority to exploit and take advantage of us.
-
We live in abuser-centered world.
Where someone loud obnoxious, arrogant, with glib charm is believed to be competent due to Halo Effect.
While someone who is quiet and worried and who overthink is thought of sick and abnormal and not competent.
That is Dunning Krueger Effect.
-
Bigger problem is when alcoholic and mentally ill evil person describes something and you believe the fascist in his faulty and totally wrong explanations. That is called brainwashing and gaslighting.
The truth is in reality no one knows the ambient and circumstances - so their explanations and perceptions may be totally right for them only, and totally similar but wrong in the same time for anyone else.
When we have issues and problems in life - there will always be fascists and crooks and evil people like him who will exploit our misfortune to misguide us and to offer us wrong advice - so that we admire them and that we become addicted to their power.
That is how nazi serial killers get to the power like Trump or Putin. Through pathological lying and taking advantage of people in problems - which were caused by those same narcissists and predators in the first place.
Any issue you have - is caused by alcoholic scum like this fascist.
-
The problem is - when we defend ourselves - we will be physically assaulted, we will lose our job - which is a problem is we live in a poor country without jobs, we lose our shelter
-
"Eye intensity is also a very powerful tool.
"
So basically you see other people as objects to conquer and to take advantage of and discard when you are done?
that is psychopathy.
-
@carefulcarpenter " Please explain in more detail"
When we hate narcissists, we hate evil person who is living in delusional world.
Therefore we are reacting to a fantasy, to person who has mild schizophrenia.
Someone who is pathological liar.
We are reacting to someone who literally does not live in reality.
This means - our reaction, our hatred will be delusional too.
That is why it is impossible to argue or come to conclusions with someone narcissistic - they cannot comprehend reality.
Then our hatred - will be directed in worry, rumination, thinking solutions how to explain this person what is correct why they repeatedly invent stuff and annoy us even more.
They are unable to hear word "no" - they interpret it as personal attack and putting them down. Which makes them angry and then we hate them because of their reactions based on inability to live in reality.
So basically - any reaction to narcissist is toxic and it creates problems and entanglement with them.
Although narcissist live in delusional world - they are highly manipulative and controlling, plus they will exploit our empathy, and healthy side where we play fair and we do not punch below the belt line. They will exploit us not being cruel.
While in the same time if we are cruel - they will use this as weapon to harm us.
Then the only reaction that is available to us - is being Impulsive BPD:
yell, scream at them, owning our hatred and expressing it - maybe covertly and in passive aggressive manner even.
And all the time we are so caught up in owning hatred that we do not see that hatred us used and weaponized against us so that we become hysterical and that we ruminate and worry and place them at the throne, as our only focus in life.
That is BPD: that we hate and reject ourselves while we try to hate and reject narcissist.
As I said in previous comment - I see the only sane and healthy way to handle narcissists is to be done with them,
Not being angry at them, not having any emotions to them, just be over and done with them. Without worry, without rumination, we simply cut them out and stop reacting to them and their drama that provokes hatred inside us.
-
YT "The Split Personality of the Narcissist
"
"Way out is to integrate the memory and exercises around assigning the appropriate emotion to those memories. The right emotion. The appropriate emotion. If somebody aggresses against you and you become indignant and angry, that's appropriate. If somebody aggresses against you and you become sexually aroused and enamored to them, that's not appropriate response. It's trauma that will mess that up."
I do not become sexually abused - I become timid, scared, panicked, afraid and feel small plus ashamed and guilty and embarrassed - even when I literally did nothing at all, just being a witness - I feel responsible for their hysteria and anger. And now with trauma information I even feel guilty for not having "courage" to scream at them and now I entertain idea to become impulsive BPD and yell and scream at someone who aggresses and treat me as garbage and accuses me of something I never did.
I literally feel afraid and scared and ashamed all in same bundle as reaction to someone intrusive, rude and aggressive - it is ACoA. It is on ACoA laundry list.
-
(2.10.2023)
That is why self help videos and CBT are dangerous - they create identity out of our issues.
-
YT "How Adam Savage Deals With Social Anxiety
"
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma and it is a trip to rabbit hole.
Almost like quantum physics - you keep breaking the atoms and matters to small and smaller chunks and you keep on discovering particles you thought never existed or could not exist at such small scale inside us.
-
YT "Social anxiety isn't real (rewire your brain)"
Social anxiety can be both Functional and Masked.
This means - people actually can have social anxiety and still do challenges and be "out there" and go into rooms where other people evaluate. And yet still social anxiety trauma being inside.
Problem is when we cover up trauma and issues - illness will pop up.
You say "I was shaking because I was incredibly nervous" - this is where you equate your emotions with your persona.
In reality we are shaking because there is danger.
"Nervousness will ruin your life"
Nope. Toxic people will ruin your life. Narcissists, predators, psychopaths. They will see easy target in someone who is quiet and abuse them.
Neuroticism is Big 5 personality trait. This means - it is part of persona, it is not persona itself. Neuroticism helps us prepare better and it propels us to be better and good in life, that we do our job without harming anyone.
Without neuroticism you would not have inner alarm system when your behavior hurts someone.
So destroying nervousness leads to personality disorder - being psychopath which means not being aware how you behavior or actions affect other people.
"If you want to be successful you need to be out there"
Nope. If you have unfair connections like nepotism, if you are corrupt, if you are born as white male heterosexual - you will succeed on this toxic planet.
"Not being able to talk to people will lead to your downfall"
You are confabulating.
Look at Michael Jackson - he had severe social anxiety yet he had live concerts in front of billions of people, he made movies, been on TV interviews all the time - so his social anxiety is functional. Yet his suppression of social anxiety trauma beneath it lead to tragedy.
"What's the worst thing that can happen if interview girl says no"
Problem starts when this no becomes standard norm.
Making fun of introversion makes you jerk, not strong alfa male.
You keep on confabulating that being confident means being strong.
You are fusing emotions with your self worth over and over again. That is called emotional Fusion - and it is mental illness.
With time, you will grow tired of people saying no to you - and then you will start to abuse them, you will become abuser with this mentality that your emotions show your worth or lack of it.
Social anxiety is not about approaching girls.
Think of social anxiety as being stuck in toxic job with mobbing and 24/7 abuse from the boss, colleagues and customers - and you cannot quit it due to finances. That is social anxiety. So you end up not doing what you "want to actually do, interest, hobby, interest, purpose" - and you end up being abused without means to escape. That is social anxiety.
Social anxiety stems from being exposed to trauma in childhood - and there is Operant Conditioning inside which activates panic responses and toxic shame in certain social situations. That cannot be undone by creating false imaginary persona of narcissism which you describe here in this video.
-
He is not ready for the real world. Criticism and feedback.
In his young mind, being macho and strong is perfect fake mask to fight the world that works for now.
Until the real world creeps in.
Then narcissistic fake mask will transform into abuse of others - usually "weak" people whom he mock. Parasiting on quiet people, being parasite.
-
YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety and Networking in the YouTube Community #shorts #podcast"
You mix up social anxiety with shyness.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma, Quiet BPD and Rejection sensitivity.
Think about social anxiety being "out there" and being surrounded with abuse and bullying and mobbing and not being able neither to defend yourself nor to run away - but fawn to abusers.
That is social anxiety.
Going to whorehouses and not getting vagina is not social anxiety.
-
YT"My social anxiety ↖️⬆️↗️ #shorts #trending
"
Depending on other people approval and admiration is narcissism. Not social anxiety.
-
YT "Give or take some social anxiety"
We don't "invite" people due to toxic shame and trauma stored inside us which makes decisions for us not to make activities - since toxic shame tells us that we are .unworthy, uninteresting and incompetent.
This becomes complex when ambient is toxic and other people ashame us for being different in any kind of way than the given norm.
-
YT "Get Rid of Social Anxiety Permanently"
15 minutes is too long to waste time on someone who talks $hit every 2 seconds.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma, Quiet BPD and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
First you tell that you had amazing discovery that there is nothing to fix, and 2 seconds later you say that we must nitpick our brain with NLP and lobotomize ourselves.
That "$hit" around diamond - are not only our strong belief systems that "we created". This focus on internal emotions is called Dispositional Attribution - and that is bias.
In reality there is Situational Attribution that is infecting us with evil: toxic people, predators and psychopaths. It is impossible to control outer world - however if we are not aware of narcissistic abuse we will never plan to leave it - because we will rationalize abuse as our own fault in our so called faulty thinking and faulty believing.
Paint over crap is Quiet BPD - this is deep toxic shame of hating and rejecting oneself.
Also - you do not mention Neurodiversity at all
Social anxiety is not bad..
Without social anxiety we would be narcissists and psychopaths. We would walk around stinky, we would never wash, we would poop in street, we would masturbate in public like Diogenesis in Ancient Greece, we would be alcoholic and abuse other people around us and be homeless.
In real life - any action of not being homeless means having a real job and being in contact with toxic people - narcissists and psychopaths - and their abuse has nothing to do with our legal and natural reactions.
You speak in your video that we are abnormal for reacting in anxious manner to abnormal evil people who are in authority.
So you are fixing nitpicking the brain for being abused. You are teaching us to self abuse ourselves.
That we discipline ourselves and feel guilty and ashamed for being abused by psychopaths.
You do not mention Fawn, only Fight and flight or freeze.
You need a lot more to learn about psychology here.
This idea that we blame ourselves for feeling emotions is not healthy. IT is toxic.
-
YT "How To Overcome Social Anxiety (No Bullsh*t Guide)
"
You mix up shyness with social anxiety.
Social anxiety is being stuck in toxic job with abuse and bullying and mobbing all the time without ability to quit due to finances. That is social anxiety.
Being obsessed how you talk or look is shyness. Not social anxiety.
Social anxiety can be Functional and Masked. This means we do not need to have nervousness and being paralyzed - and social anxiety would still be there.
People with social anxiety are already focused on other people - they look for potential danger, they notice other people's facial expressions and tone of voice and gestures. This is proof that you mix up shyness with social anxiety.
Social anxiety stems from abuse and ACoA and ACE in childhood.
Jordan Peterson is fascist and mentally ill alcoholic - he is really bad influence and he is teaching others how to develop mental illness: toxic shame and self abuse.
I do not understand why it is so hard to validate and accept ourselves and others - instead of trying to fix and nitpick and control ourselves and other people?
"Fix your lifestyle"
Our lifestyle is by-product of our ambient (how much money we have) - so it is totally outside of our control.
Forcing ourselves to blame and ashame ourselves for not having perfect lifestyle is mental illness and that is why Jordan Peterson is mentally ill evil person who is torturing others into unnecessary self blame and shame.
"No one gives a $hit about us"
Narcissists and psychopaths care how to take advantage and parasite on others.
If you are not aware of toxic people who have hidden agenda to exploit others, you will end up being duped.
Over and over again.
"Literally stop yourself"
This paradoxically leads to more thinking.
In psychology this is called
. Ironic process theory / The Pink Elephant Paradox
trying to suppress a thought is likely to make it more intrusive
"Conditioning. Getting out there, having social interactions"
Social anxiety is not issue of fear.
It is trauma.
This means fear will not go away - since there is no fear in the first place.
This means - rejection will not make social anxiety go away. Small talks will not help with social anxiety.
It will help with shyness though,
That is why your video message is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone with real social anxiety.
You give message that social anxiety is abnormality and sickness and it can be cured with action and talking to people.
Nope.
Social anxiety is trauma - it is being exposed to abusers and psychopaths.
So what happens to true socially anxious - when they expose without healing trauma - they will become codependent and toxic people will exploit them due to Fawning and Negative politeness.
Shy people like you are obsessed with other people and neurotypical mindset - to go to parties and to be talkative.
Social anxiety is neurodivergency - it is thinking based on abuse. It has nothing to do with confidence, balls or strength.
Your mixing up of shyness and social anxiety - leads people who were traumatized believe that they can solve social anxiety issues with willpower.
This false explanation leads to personality disorder -
because anyone abused will think that their triggers are their persona. It is reaction and Operant Conditioning to abuse.
-
YT "I am so nervous and sad mood🤔🤔#shorts #viral #shortvideoanxiety disorderanxiety relief
"
Equating our moods with our persona is called Cognitive Fusion.
We learn this in ambient of toxic shame, narcissistic abuse.
-
YT "How To Recover After Narcissistic Abuse?
"
Being focused on romantic side of narcissistic abuse.
Yet narc abuse happens in job situations - where we depend on it due to finances.
There is no word about that kind of abuse because it is political issue of oppression and capitalism.
-
YT "Unlocking Social Anxiety: Surprising Facts #psychologyfacts #shortsvideo #viralshort #ytshorts
"
"Remember, others feel it too"
When I wrote about this at main reddit forum about social anxiety - I got tons of negative criticism, my topic got deleted from reddit about it, and soon enough I was banned from that forum -
for saying that others are feeling it too.
A lot of critic was that confident and happy and aggressive people do not feel social anxiety since they do not express worry or rumination.
They do.
They express it through narcissism and fake mask of being strong and macho and confident. The social anxiety is their motor of play acting confident anti-anxiety persona. Which is mental illness, being fake and rigid is mental illness.
-
What you label as social anxiety was shyness.
You misdiagnosed yourself and live in confabulation and delusions which appear real to you.
Problem with living in delusions is that you might end up making wrong decisions and harming yourself and others with actions that appear as healthy and good to you.
-
YT "3 reasons why meditation is your answer to social anxiety
"
Meditation works for shyness.
It will do nothing with social anxiety though.
Social anxiety is inability to calm nervous system. The biggest minds in psychiatry and psychology are trying to understand why is that (due to exposure to narcissistic abuse) and how to calm nervous system without developing personality disorder or dissociation, which you propose here.
Social anxiety is not shyness. IT is not feeling shy.
Social anxiety is being stuck in toxic job filled with mobbing and abuse 24/7 from boss, colleagues and customers without means to quit that job due to finances. Then meditation will certainly do nothing when we are attacked and criticized for smallest and insignificant errors which were outside of our control to begin with, and lied to all the time.
-
YT "The power of OWNING IT (pop your social anxiety like a balloon)"
"Fear of people's reaction"
That is shyness.
Social anxiety is trauma. Big difference.
Trauma goes along with package of toxic shame and feeling automatic guilt, shame and blame which cannot be shaken off.
"Take power and bring it back to you, it is not that bad, owning it"
When I did that in real life - this happened:
- I was kicked out of car in the middle of street
- I was slapped in face
- I was reprimanded permanently and it was written in permanent record
- I was ashamed and put down
- I was beaten up in the street
- I lost my job
In real life when we are authentic and honest - toxic abnormal evil people will be triggered by someone who is unapologetically true and speaking the truth - and they will hurt and harm us.
We need to be aware that being authentic will cause us pain and hurt and lose our shelter and job.
Nevertheless, I still support your message here.
You are correct.
When we fawn and self censor ourselves due to conditioning and punishment and negative reinforcement - we basically tell ourselves that we are incompetent and we cannot live our life. We simply need to be aware of what Sinead O'connor said:
To say what you feel is to dig your own grave
-
"I couldn't get out of house without stress. My heart would always beat. I would constantly sweat."
This also could be being HSP.
Processing stimuli on deep level.
Which you decided to label as abnormality and sickness - so it turned into self prophecy.
"I had zero friends"
Maybe you live in toxic ambient and people did stigmatize you and avoid you because of ethnicity, skin color, money status. People are scum. IT is not always you who are the automatic problem.
" I was dreaming about comiting suic*de just because I had extremely soc anx."
That is BPD, It could be Bi-polar issue.
You keep on diagnosing yourself. That is very dangerous.
"Just try to eat like your ancestors for 1 month, and you'll see the result"
What about millions of people who do not eat sugar not meat - yet they still experience social anxiety?
IT never occurred to you that social anxiety stems from toxic ambient? And abuse?
Why is it so hard to validate and accept and love ourselves - and it is so easy to pathologize ourselves, dis-own parts of ourselves and invalidate our experiences and blame ourselves for being abused and surrounded by toxic narcissistic predators?
-
It depends what you define as "success" and is it linked to other people admiration or to your own intrinsic values inside you, not other people.
-
" You just typed a whole ass essay of excuses on why you can`t affect anything in your life"
That is REAL life.
It is limited.
"You can have the same amount of money in your bank account and still change your lifestyle. Prove me wrong"
Money buys off problems.
"- It helped me"
It didn't help you at all.
You misdiagnosed yourself and you produced random effects based on entitlement and privilege.
"you have no idea what you`re talking about."
Neither have you.
"In reality the more you talk to people, the more exp you have, and the easier it gets to recognize psychopaths and sociopaths."
Problem is that psychopaths and sociopaths are masked and you cannot detect them with experience but with your feelings and social anxiety which you label as sickness and something to destroy.
" In your logic, if i have social anxiety, then I shouldn`t come out of my room"
That is your confabulation.
It seems to me that you replaced your shyness with narcissism and fascism. As Jordan Peterson indoctrinated you.
-
YT "The hidden costs of people pleasing: My personal story
"
People pleasing is coping mechanisms. It is not personality trait nor persona. IT is a tool to survive psychopaths and sociopaths , narcissists and emotional vampires who have some power over us. They could be our boss, they could provide shelter for us, some kind of information, data, papers.
If we start to believe in internet-soldiers explaining us that people pleasing is a choice - we will start to self blame ourselves and develop toxic shame - belief that we are abnormal and sick. This way "well meaning" advice turns into path to hell.
In coercive control - we cannot make ourselves happy - since we will lose money, shelter , help which we codepended on psychopaths who are in some power.
Even though the video itself says people pleasing is coping mechanism, it does not state that as adults we may be stuck in toxic job and with toxic people - without means to leave and exit in safe manner.
This way - videos like this will set us up to develop Fight response, to become hysterical Karen.
Because in real life - when we are, as video states "more authentic" and "it is okay to say No" - actually will end up as abuse.
We will be punished for being honest and authentic.
Femicide is real thing.
So this video does not mention real life - Unfavorable Power Dynamics nor Oppression -
and it sets us up to feel bad about ourselves when we will be punished and abused when we stop people pleasing abnormal evil people who exploit our immobility to escape.
-
YT "being a people pleaser"
Thinking about other people's feelings is not a choice.
It is Operant Conditioning , being exposed to narcissistic abuse that exploits our natural empathy skills and perverts it into being slave to psychopaths.
-
Not always.
Sometimes comment is constructive - but due to our narcissism it appears as negative comment.
Think about Rush Stockton - he perceived criticism about his carbon fibre submersible as negative comment. And each dive to Titanic wreck built up fantasy that he is correct.
Until he killed 4 people because of his inability to listen to constructive criticism.
-
YT "How Self-Silencing Is Sabotaging You | Rachel Druckenmiller | TEDxRockville
"
I cannot waste 17 minutes on surface level information.
Self-silencing is:
1) coping mechanism coined in abusive childhood (ACoA ACE) - therefore it is hypnosis, Operant Conditioning. Meaning - it won't be gone with willpower, press of a button.
2) it is tool to handle toxic people who would punish us for telling the truth
3) a method not to become hysterical Karen and impulsive BPD person who reacts in anger to any movement around
-
With normal healthy sane people it is great that we share and be open and discuss vulnerabilities and issues.
With people who were traumatized - this turns into Crusades and Spanish Inquisition. Those with avoidant social anxiety issues will be obsessed to be mastered about and they will interpret someone's weaknesses as them being sissy and feminine and discard them due to being boring (in their head due to trauma it appears like that).
While on the other hand those who pick Fight response such as impulsive BPDers, psychopaths, Cluster B monsters - if you are honest with them, they use this information to crush you and discard you.
Anyone with unresolved trauma is better to be left alone and leave them isolated - since it is like a plague or virus - it won't heal by being with healthy people - in fact it will infect normal people with paranoia, delusions and hysteria.
I belong in socially anxious group and I deliberately isolate myself with friends and romance - since I know I will hurt them with my trauma by expecting them to by my savior and when they appear anything but perfect I will discard them as weak.
And this is done totally out of awareness, it is not conscious discard.
Traumatized person sees normal and healthy and sane people as nuisance and boring. While sado-mazo cruel and brutal narcissists are perceived as sexy and attractive and that we must serve them and obey their command and abuse.
-
Shyness is gone with exposure.
Social anxiety is trauma of being abused - and exposure to narcissistic abuse is not related to parties or talking or being extroverted.
-
Shyness = obsession with talking, parties and communication. It vanish with exposure to social event.
Neurotypical means conformism, groupthink, herd mentality - following the sheep just for the sake of following and not appearing different in any way. Conforming to the given norm.
Social anxiety = Complex Trauma. Worry is present before social event, during social event and after social event.
Anxiety is related to self blame, toxic shame (feeling unworthy and incompetent) and inner critic while other people are perceived as dangerous or hating us - even when they are not negative. This appears as hallucination - but in reality it is ability to see through social masks and see people inside what they hide away from others to see.
This ability is possible due to exposure to trauma in childhood: untreated mentally ill parent who was BPD, narcissistic: which means the parent criticized us 24/7 and made hysteria around usual normal mistakes, errors and daily issues and everyday problems. Shyness does not have these issues:
-
Seesaw effect - there is someone pushing us into anxiety.
We do not catch social anxiety by walking in the street like a common cold or flu.
People are born only with two fears:
Fear of falling and fear of loud noises.
We are not born with avoiding social settings and worrying what other people think about us and their anger - these social anxiety traumas are conditioned into us, programmed through ACoA ACE abuse in childhood, exposure to invalidation and constant criticism and microaggression and micromanaging.
Psychopaths love control and manipulation over others. Narcissists too.
After all - it is called social+anxiety. Which clearly means social is stemming from the social factor.
It is not called self anxiety. We are not afraid of our panic - the panic is triggered by rude, aggressive, intrusive, invalidating predators.
-
"I still need to learn how not to please my abusers."
That need is the problem,
When we learn about Quiet BPD, trauma and RSD -
we learn that the problem is not in our behavior - but in abuser.
Abuser is abnormal mentally ill sick criminally insane evil person. Predators use gaslighting and brainwashing - so that you start to believe that your behavior is problem. And they use punishment and negative reinforcement to hook you into worry and rumination and thinking how can you correct your behavior and thinking in order for them to stop abusing you.
We people please abusers because they use Oppression and Coercive Control -
in some states coercive control is crime, people end up in court because of it.
In most of the West world, Oppression is forbidden by Constitution.
People pleasing is not sickness. It is normal and healthy to care for people who are kind and good to us.
When we are trapped in abusive situation - it is important not to blame ourselves and to feel guilty for how we reacted to abuse. we were simply forced to it.
Without people pleasing - there is femicide, there is being fired from a job and being unable to support yourself, being homeless - especially if we live in cocaine crime ridden countries like Eastern Europe ex communist countries.
People pleasing is coping mechanism - it helps us to survive inhuman environment - and abusers wants us that we feel guilty and ashamed for people pleasing.
So that we lose our temper and they love endless drama and reason to be cruel to us when we stand up to them, inside Unfavorable Power Dynamics.
The most devastating effect of long term exposure to narcissistic abuse - is that our brain will be injured - google it. Part of our brain related to memory and assigning meaning to memories will get shrunk.
This means we will develop severe toxic shame, deep self hatred and self rejection - just for being exposed to abuse.
The way out is to plan escape route - but it is essential that we start to built self love, self validation and self acceptance - not self rejection and feeling shame for how we handled the abuse.
-
(4.10.2023)
Not quite.
Sometimes we are might make errors due to wrong advice, wrong misdiagnosis, wrong instructions - and any person who pinpoints our mistakes will appear as rude, unsafe, unwell and uncomfortable. Other word is Cognitive Dissonance.
Then - if we do not learn from our mistakes, we will continue doing them, just because we cut off and silence and censor people who warn and alarm and alert us of our mistakes which do not appear as mistakes to us from our standpoint.
-
YT "Signs You Have Quiet BPD, Not Just Emotionally Insecurity
"
Richard Grannon says that BPD is misnomer and it is actually Complex Trauma, and it does not belong in Cluster B with psychopaths, rapist, criminals and serial killers.
I agree with him.
Quiet BPD already empathizes with others - too much, other people's emotions take them over so learning empathy is unnecessary here.
CBT is ableist therapy and it is making serious psychological damage - CBT explains social anxiety as hallucination while social anxiety is Quiet BPD:
-
"That’s not what they were saying, they were saying it’s PTSD but without the traumatic event"
Who defines traumatic event?
If incompetent doctors description of traumatic event is incest, rape, murder, torture, war - then it is not trauma.
However if we define trauma as exposure to micro-agression, narcissistic abuse, constant criticism of normal child mistakes and errors which are part of growing process - then it is traumatic.
-
CBT is ableist therapy, it is narcissistic abuse in medical industry, created by narcissists and psychopaths who like domination, control and manipulation of weak targets, someone who seeks genuine help for debilitating states and then they make money profit with misdiagnosis and wrong explanations.
Think of CBT like Trump being smart enough to finish medical school so he is now director of medical industry in America, that is what who runs CBT and DSM, a mentally ill psychopaths who are evil to the core.
CBT ought to be banned.
-
Insecurity stems from Self identity persona never been developed - due to exposure to narcissistic abuse during growing up.
-
"Jeckyll and Hyde."
When we are triggered, amygdala is hijacked - and of course our brain will not have full plethora of personality traits available at disposal. In Dysregulation - only basic persona trait set is available.
This is not sickness nor abnormality, this is how brain works.
Most people who never experienced hysterical authority figures in childhood know how to regulate themselves and then they appear "normal" and without mood swings -
not because they are normal, but because they never were imprinted with mentally ill untreated psychopath's behavior in childhood.
-
People always have a choice to treat other people with respect.
There is no mental diagnosis that keeps people away from being kind. So being evil is a full and conscious choice.
Hence Quiet BPD - where this evil is stopped in order not to harm other people with our hysteria and panic.
-
"Don't let the "what will happen next" bother you that much."
These issues are not related to willpower.
In fact,
if we start to believe it is related with power of the will, we will create now personality disorder - since we will start to believe that our emotions are equal to our self worth. This ends up as mental illness, cognitive fusion.
Controlling the chaos leads to more chaos.
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
-
"(I won't mention the details)"
That is the epitome/summary/essence/gist/sum of Quiet BPD.
-
YT "5 Ways To Break The Cycle of Toxic Shame
"
0:45 "There's a negative association and it makes us freeze, can be triggering, negative association with environment and not being good enough"
This is called Operant Conditioning.
I personally call it hypnosis, programming, coding. We are literally been hypnotized into passivity and submission and rumination and worry and Negative politeness by narcissists in authority.
Sam Vaknin calls is "entraining", being synchronized to narcissistic abuser's abuse.
Also called Coercive Control, manipulation and general attempt to control the target.
"Naming the shame, beating yourself up in certain situations when in fact it's not for you to be shameful about. What happened to me was actually not shameful especially around abuse. Noticing what is the story that goes with it. What am I telling myself."
Yep,
this is problem -
I do not tell stories at all. It is reaction to Coercive control. Someone who has some kind of power over me-
job where I depend on paycheck. Asking for help or service or papers or bureaucracy from someone who is abusive - they define me feeling shame and being in panic in order to submit - or else.
7:16 "you have to speak up in a situation that may not be as dangerous as you think"
Ok.
What happens when it is dangerous?
What then?
What happens when someone is aggressive and rude and we cannot quit nor run away - due to finances, depending on paycheck or being homeless. Or being homeless and hooligans torturing us in the street without nowhere to run.
What then? These are extreme situation but they are real life situations where toxic shame pops up.
And nobody address them.
"Ability to say no gives you confidence"
All situations where we have trouble say no are related to psychopaths and narcissists who have no idea how their behavior is affecting others.
I don't think that we have choice here nor it is our problem to fix ourselves.
In fact if we think we are causing someone to cross our boundaries by our behavior - this will lead to Impulsive BPD where we will become hysterical Karen - since person on the other side is unable to hear or understand or process No.
I think you lack this insight in narcissistic abuse - what narc abuse is and what is Coercive control - that all our problems lie in other person who is mentally ill, evil and has personality disorder being anti-social.
It is really not our reactions to them that are problem - the abusive person is the only problem.
If we do not understand that -- we will develop toxic shame and destroy our Self worth and our Self.
10:49 "No accountability"
"How can you own part of situation without taking shame that is not yours"
This is not being stuck in Victim mode.
This is total lack of Self due to ACoA ACE abuse in childhood. There is no identity, no persona, no personality - only coping mechanisms and reactions to abusers.
So this means logic and knowing facts you speak in this video - will not help at all with toxic shame. In fact, it will add to more of toxic shame.
So connecting to third eye is impossible since there is no basis, no receiver, no machinery to create any kind of connection.
That is why toxic shame is there - since there is no house to fend against the toxic environment - so we become our toxic environment in toxic shame.
-
I would be careful with identifying what is our behavior and what is programming.
People tend to label their fawning and shyness as abnormality and scapegoat it as a reason for being abused.
This belief leads to toxic shame, self blame, mental illness and personality disorder.
We need to understand that what we see as programming, and I personally call it "hypnosis" while in reality it is Operant Conditioning - that this a natural reaction to abuser and someone untreated mentally ill, someone who is evil and abusive and predatory. It is coping mechanisms that we were coerced into becoming.
Otherwise we were tormented and psychologically and physically abused all the time, through set of punishments and Negative Reinforcement.
This is crucial to understand -
because if we do not understand that it is Coercive Control - we will tend to self blame ourselves and then over-compensate and build fake persona who appears strong and defensive - which ends up as hysterical Karen and being abusive. Then we pass trauma onto the next generation, like a generational curse.
It is important to realize to validate ourselves, validate our reactions to abnormal people and abnormal situations.
As oppose to have fantasy about becoming "strong". We already are strong.
All we need is self validation and self acceptance in order to build our Self, our identity and our persona - without being coerced by toxic evil monsters - psychopaths and narcissists around us.
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(4.10.2023)
These panic symptoms are trauma.
Trauma means that we have experienced difficult and uncomfortable situations with people such as bullying and abuse - that shocked us into feeling unsafe and rejected.
So the solution is healing this trauma, in order to feel safe with the people.
Healing trauma means trusting your self, your panic symptoms. We will be told that we are cowards, sissy and abnormal for feeling these panic emotions and that we must get rid of them and appear strong and macho and super confident. That does not work because being strong has nothing to do with trauma.
Trauma means that in childhood we were exposed to constant criticism all the time. And this means we never develop deep self trust in our ability to handle life and people. Instead we developed toxic shame.
Trusting yourself means taking care of yourself and validating your experiences and reactions.
This way you will realize that social anxiety is our body response to threat and toxic people and toxic society around us.
Start with education.
Unfortunately, we need to devote time in learning psychology here - because without knowing what is happening in our head, it is like walking in a dark room. We will bump into objects and hurt ourselves when we move around in this dark place.
Education is like shining a light in dark room - so that we can see what is really around us.
The more you know what is true social anxiety - that it is
1) Complex Trauma
2) Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
and
3) Quiet BPD
the more information you will have to stop self blaming and self torture and inner criticism - which is contributing to panic symptoms.
It also means education about narcissistic abuse - how to recognize toxic people - so that you trust your emotions and feelings which appear as panic. The panic is alarm system that your body and mind is detecting someone dangerous and toxic.
In safe ambient we would not feel panic.
You said that you don't talk to others - but you probably have no panic symptoms when you talk 1-on-1 with someone close to you.
You probably don't have panic when you talk and comment like this online - because there is no danger that someone will attack you or put you down or criticize you - since your identity is safe.
These panic symptoms are the worst in age of 15 to early 20s. They are very uncomfortable and shaming and we want to get rid of them. They will ease with time, when you gain more experience.
It seems that these panic symptoms are actually ability to think in different manner than other people. That is called Neurodivergence and this is not sickness nor abnormality, it is simply alternative way of thinking.
It is important that we explain and observe our processing as neutral. It is important that we do not put labels on our panic, words such as "weird" or "stupid" or "shameful" or "abnormal".
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Pretpostavljam da razumiješ ovaj jezik hehe.
Socijalna tjeskoba može značiti puno stvari - nije jednostavno rješenje jer može značiti puno stvari.
Nažalost nema jednostavnih koraka ovdje - osim tableta za smirenje i biti ovisnik o pilulama, što ne bi preporučio.
Socijalna tjeskoba - npr
može biti narcizam - to znači da tretiramo loše ljude i onda osjećamo paniku kada se oni brane. Očito problem smo mi i kako se mi ponašamo prema drugima.
Može biti oblik npr Autizma i ADHD - što nije bolest niti nema ništa riješiti. Samo se čovjek prilagodi načinu razmišljanja.
Pretpostavit ću da kod tebe je slučaj kao i kod mene - gdje socijalna tjeskoba se pojavljuje nasumice bez da smo mi iritirali ili napali nekog. A ustvari netko je neugodan ili iritantan ili nasilan prema nama - i onda se javi panika.
Socijalna tjeskoba - rekao si da se kod tebe javlja kao panika.
Meni je problem sa panikom počeo nakon srednje škole, kada sam trebao samostalnije se pojavjivat i ulazit u kontakte koje prije nisu bili potrebni. Kada sam počeo raditi - trebalo mi je par godina da se panika smiri - bio sam izložen ljudima i kontaktu sa njima, pa se tijelo privikne sa vremenom.
Trebalo mi je ravno 5 godina za to da se panika više ne pojavljuje kao prije.
Znači - ova panika koja ti izgleda kao najveći problem - će proći sa vremenom i iskustvom i jedini način je da ne izbjegavaš obaveze i da što više moguće činiš ono čega se bojiš.
Socijalna tjeskoba nije samo panika. Panika je samo jedan mali dio tjeskobe.
Razlog zašto osjećamo tu tjeskobu je zbog pokvarenog i iskvarenog društva.
Ljudi su ovdje bolesni - govorim o narcisoidnom poremećaju i psihopatiji. Kada smo izloženi toksičnim otrovnim ljudima - a ne želimo postati mi okrutni - razvit ćemo socijalnu tjeskobu kao način baratanja sa ljudima.
Balkan je zemlja koja pripada Kulturi Posramljivanja (Shame Culture).
Kada nas netko posramljulje od malena, naravno da ćemo se osjećati posramljeno non stop. To se zove Toksični Stid (Toxic shame).
Toksični stid znači da u srži, duboko unutra smo same sebe odbacili i da mrzimo sebe - i želimo se riješiti sebe samog.
Taj dio je kompleksan - nema jednostavnog rješenja jer ako ti kažem da trebaš prihvatiti sebe i da se ne sramiš svojih reakcija i panike - neće ti ništa pomoći je problem je zakopan duboko u duši i tijelu i glavi.
Nešto slično kao ona zarobljena djeca u Tajvanu koja su ostala zatočena u dubokoj spilji.
Izlazak iz spilje znači da moramo naučiti o narcisoidnom poremećaju, o psihopatima, o zlostavljanju, moramo baratati psihološkim terminima - a to sve zahtjeva vremena. Što više informacija imaš - to će ti više pomoći donesti zdrave i korisne odluke u životu.
Sa socijalnom tjeskobom i toksičnim stidom - imat ćemo prezir prema samima sebi i kritizirat ćemo same sebi i biti perfekcionisti i maltretirat ćemo same sebe jer nismo savršeni - a jedini način da to prestanemo je da naučimo psihologiju.
Kada imaš više informacija o psihologiji - znati ćeš kako se kretati i koje ciljeve želiš imati u životu i kako da si pomogneš sa traumom - tako da sam sebi predložiš rješenja i da se ne grizeš ako napraviš pogreške pritom.
Moraš otkriti što te ustvari smeta, kada se panika pojavljuje - u kakvim situacijama. Kada je to počelo, da li su ti roditelji bili strogi, da li si iskusio zlostavljanje u familiji ili školi?
Da li ti ovo što sam napisao ima smisla, da li razumiješ sukus problema?
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I personally believe all psychological issues stem from exposure to narcissistic abuse - which is covert and we do not recognize it so we blame ourselves and we end up trying to fix our brain and nitpick our thoughts - which leads to more anxiety.
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" i da ce pomisliti kako je jadan, greote..i da ce me gledati kao ludog i odbiti"
Odlično, imaš i želju i već iskustvo sa psihologijom, to je kao da učiš strani jezik koji možeš primjeniti na probleme koji te muče.
Ako imaš svoje društvo i ne osjećaš socijalnu tjeskobu sa njima - i problem je počeo sa nasiljem - to znači da nije shizofrenija niti Autizam, niti narcisoidnost - već socijalna tjeskoba.
Tu nemam više šta dodati, na dobrom si putu.
Trebaš skužiti da si ti taj koji zna što tebi najbolje odgovara, ti moraš sam skrojit sam sebi najbolje rješenje.
Kada nas izbace iz takta osobe koje su autoritet - koji nas kritiziraju na neki način - to znači da ne vjerujemo sebi, nemamo identitet u sebi - već naša osobnost onda ovisi o osobi koja je ljuta na nas i koja nas želi ispraviti i disciplinirati.
Što je izrazito frustrirajuće kada znaš da si uložio 110% truda da budeš savršen i bez greški-
To se zove Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - ne znam koji je prijevod, to je novi koncept koji definira frustraciju kada nas netko ne razumije, odbija, radi dramu iz ničega i krivi nas za to.
Trauma zlostavljanja nas je izbacila iz takta - izgubili smo svoj identitet, zato imamo problema sa tjeskobom.
Trebamo nać tko smo mi, kakva smo osoba - bez da nam psihologija ili ljudi definiraju, to moramo sami izdefinirati - i onda kada radimo greške ili kada nas netko vrijeđa i ponižava - neće nas smetati, nećemo se puno obazirati.
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"Nonduality i prestanak indentifikacije sa mislima i osjecanjima?"
To je problem -
ti moraš sam odlučiti tko si i šta ti odgovara.
Ovakvi videei koji objašnjavaju - su samo za informativne svrhe, ne da ih adaptiraš automatski.
Trebaš shvatiti da si ti gazda svog tijela.
Imati identitet znači da se prihvatiš sa greškama i sa bilo čime što ti smeta kod sebe.
Sa Socijalnom tjeskobom imamo i taj toksični stid - što znači da se gadimo samima sebi, odbijamo se prihvatiti. Želimo biti savršeni i bez grešaka tako da nas nitko ne kritizira.
Zdravi stid bi bio - da ako imam nešto u sebi što ne mogu kontrolirat - da to prihvatim i učinom što mogu da nikome ne naštetim.
Tako, ovaj video koji ti govori da moraš nešto učiniti je manipulacija i kontrola i kao takvo je posramljivanje.
Samo napravi dva koraka unazad i pogledaj izdaleka sve ljude koji nemaju socijalnu tjeskobu.
Oni ne uče filozofiju, oni ne brinu o duality niti imaju mentalne vježbe oko osjećaja - jednostavno su svoji i čine što smatraju je prirodno njima.
Probaj prihvatiti tjeskobu i paniku umjesto da se forsiraš i discipliniraš u tome da si savršen i bez grešaka. Nitko niti ne voli ljude koji su presavršeni jer se doimaju kao lažnjaci.
Rješenje uvijek mora biti lagano. Occam's Rasor.
Ako trebamo izvoditi mentalne cirkus vještine i skakati kao akrobati da budemo opušteni i društveni - naravno da to neće funkcionirati jer sebe tjeraš da budeš presavršen i bez grešaka. Rezultat će biti panika i tjeskoba - jer svoje misli i razmišljanja stavljaš u kalup da budeš savršen i bez grešaka.
Ako bi imali svoj identitet - da nemamo toksični stid i traume zlostavljanja - naše misli i razmišljanja bi bili slobodni, bez kalupa - a misao vodilja, GPS kompas pri razmišljanju oko donošenja bilo kakvih odluka bile bi naše vrijednosti, naše želje, ono što volimo, naš zdrav razum - čak i sexualnost.
Postoji izreka da je fašizam onih koji su sexualno isfrustrirani.
Sa socijalnom tjeskobom to nemamo -
nemamo misao vodilju našeg identiteta.Umjesto njega je tu toksični stid. sram tko smo mi, sram naših grešaka, sram naših nedostataka i želja da nas ljudi zavole i da nas ne mrze i da nas ne kritiziraju.
Ovo je vrlo teško shvatiti jer nas trauma deformira i vraća nazad u kalup, želju da se dopadamo drugima i da ne smijemo biti sa nedostacima.
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"oni kazu no self da shvatimo da self ne postoji da su to samo misli sa kojim se mi indentifikujemo."
Je, u pravu su da duša ne postoji - i da ćemo to otkriti kada umremo,
Ali
stvarni život je stvarni život.
Moramo živjeti - ić u školu, komunicirat sa drugim ljudima, imat posao, kupovati stvari -
za sve u životu moraš imat svoj Ego, svoj identitet, svoju personu.
Kada to nemamo onda ovisimo o drugima.
Ovisimo što će druga osoba predložiti i što će se drugima svidjet ili što će drugi odbiti a onda ćemo mi poslušno ići sa njima kao ovce, bez vlastitih mišljenja i kritika.
Freud je otkrio da svaka osoba ima Ego, SuperEgo i ID.
Ego smo mi sami, naš mozak takav kakav je sa svim memorijama i odlukama.
Super Ego je naša moralna i etična strana koja nam govori što je ispravno a što je krivo i tjera nas da činimo dobro.
Id je naš životinjski nagon.
Zdrava osoba - ima sve te tri stvari izbalansirane.
To bi bio Self. Kada je izbalansiran - onda imamo zdravi Self.
Sa socijalnom tjeskobom - Super Ego je previše kritičan prema samom sebi, stavljamo sebi prevelike zahtjeve koji nisu realni niti mogući i onda se osjećamo krivima jer nismo savršeni. Toksični ljudi iskorištavaju to jer nas posrame i kritiziraju kada napravimo greške i onda Super Ego nam kaže da nas drugi ljudi mrze jer nismo savršeni. Tako onda imamo socijalnu tjeskobu.
U isto vrijeme Id vjerojatno potiskujemo i zabranjujemo si opuštanje kao sex ili uživanje u hrani.
Kada nemamo ispuštni ventil - stres će se akumulirati.
Svaka osoba prolazi kroz faze odrastanja - i zadnja faza je prevaiziđenje Egocentrizma.
Vjerojatno o tome pričaju u videu.
Egocentrizam je kada nemamo sposobnost staviti sebe na mjesto drugih ljudi - kada nemamo sposobnost vidjeti perspektivu iz drugih uglova i gledališta. To nije sebičnost.
Egocentrizam je razumijevanje da kada je netko bezobrazan i kad nas netko kritizira - da shvatimo da ta osoba vjerojatno nema ništa protiv nas, niti imaju prava da se ponašaju tako prema nama - već da su takve osobe bolesne i zle i da iskorištavaju svoj status kako bi maltretirali druge jer su bolesni.
Tako da kad čuješ Nonduality i da nemamo Self to vjerojatno govore o egocentrizmu.
Egocentrizam je kao Einstenovo otkriće o Relativnosti - gdje osoba koja je na zemlji u relativnom odnosu na nekog tko je u svemirskom brodu - obje osobe su u relativnom odnosu, što znači da u isto vrijeme se kreću i stoje na mjestu.
Egocentrizam je isto razmijevanje da postoje više dimenzija - 2D biće neće razumijeti da postoje 3D bića- tako da je korisno to znati zbog empatije i da se sjetimo uvijek da drugi ljudi nisu povezani sa nama i da imaju svoje probleme i kuteve gledanja koji su totalno drugačiji od naših.
Ako to shvatiš puno lakše ćeš se sprazumjeti sa drugima i lakše ćeš komunicirat da drugima, jer ćeš razumjeti da moraš praktički naučiti jezik druge osobe - i onda to pomaže oko socijalne tjeskobe - jer će razumijevanjem drugih ljudi izbjeći nepotrebne konflikte i svađe. Mislim da u tom kontextu spominje Nonduality i da nemamo svoj Self.
Sa socijalnom tjeskobom - tijekom odrastanja nismo završili sve faze odrastanja - i onda naš Self se nije posve razvio.
Self se razvija u sigurnom ambijentu, tamo gdje smo prihvaćeni, gdje nam se greške opraštaju i gdje nismo kažnjeni zbog grešaka.
Na kraju krajeva - kakvi smo mi kao osobe -
kada nemamo razvijen Self, kada nemamo identitet - završit ćemo sa krivnjom i sramom jer će drugi ljudi definirati tko smo mi.
Ovisiti ćemo o njihovim opisima, rekacijama i ponašanju. Tako ćemo završiti ovisni o drugim ljudima i činiti ćemo sve da im udovoljimo.
Kada imamo Self - onda možemo shvatiti da su neki ljudi bolesni i zli i otrovni - i da je najbolje prekinut kontakt sa njima.
Sa Socijalnom tjeskobom nemamo Self, nemamo identitet, nemamo personu - i onda završimo u strahu od drugih ljudi jer ovisimo o njima da budi dobri prema nama jer onda se osjećamo dobro - a kada su živčani i ljuti i nasilni onda se mi osjećamo loše i uplašeni jer nemamo svoj identitet - drugi ljudi formiraju naše emocije, reakcije, zaključke.
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" I kazes da trebamo nac tko smo mi i kakva smo osoba. Zbunjuje me sad malo ovo"
Znam, to je vrlo zbunjujuće jer sredina u kojoj jesmo je toksična i govori nam suprotno.
Da moramo raditi na sebi, da moramo sebe mučiti, disciplinirati, da se moramo odricati i onda ćemo biti nagrađeni.
Znam da u tvojim godinama sam čitao članke i knjige o tome i nisam kužio, nisam mogao razumijeti što to znači. Trebaš biti strpljiv sa sobom.
Biti će ti jasnije kada se nađeš u situacijama gdje će te zli ljudi zlostavljati i maltretirat i vrijeđat. Onda ćeš shvatiti da se ponašaš tako sam prema sebi.
Pogledaj na internetu termin "Polyvagal Theory". Pogledaj slike za to.
On prikazuje da možemo biti u 3 stanja:
1) Ventral Vagal - to je kada smo opušteni, sigurni u sebe, kada ne brinemo, nismo opterećeni - i onda u takvom stanju se lakše družimo i povezujemo, znatiželjni smo.
2) Hyper-arousal - to je panika
3) Hypo-arousal - to je depresija.
Cilj nam je da dođemo uvijek u stanje Ventral Vagal.
Sada lakše možeš vidjet zašto imaš paniku i zašto nisi u opuštenom stanju?
- jer imamo trauma od zlostavljanja
- nemamo finacije sređene
- ne živimo u normalnoj državi gdje plaćom pokrijemo troškove
- toksični ljudi su oko nas
- nemamo opcija da imamo sigurnost
Sa socijalnom tjeskobom - kada imamo bilo kakav problem - mi sami sebe vrijeđamo, napadamo, osjećamo se krivima i posramljenima- jer nemamo svoj identitet, personu. Ne ponašamo se dobro prema samima sebi. Opterećeni smo kako nas drugi vide, i kako izbjeći druge ljude da nas kritiziraju.
U većini slučajeva kada netko nije fer prema nama - trebali bi reći nešto i obraniti se - pogotovo ako smo učinili sve da ne činimo greške-
Sa socijalnom tjeskobom umjesto branjenja samog sebe mi imamo paniku koja nas blokira da se zauzmemo za sebe, nismo sigurni u sebe jer osjećamo paniku koja je tu zbog traume od ranije.
Onda nam se čini kao da moramo na silu biti snažni i bez grešaka i da moramo ostaviti dobar dojam da kompenziramo sve nedostatke.
I uopće ne kužimo da ustvari sami sebe mrzimo i ponižavamo i zlostavljamo. Jer nemamo identitet svoj, nemamo svoju personu.
Ako bi imali zdrav identitet - drugačije bi se ponašali prema drugima, i drugačije bi reagirali kada radimo greške.
Najveća promjena bi bila da drugi ljudi ne bi bili toliko bitni. Više bi se oslonili na svoju vlastitu želju da učimo na greškama, i lakše bi komunicirali sa drugima kada drugi ljudi ne bi izgledali kao bogovi u našim očima, gospodari kojima moramo služiti jer smo njihovi robovi.
To u djetinstvu zbog zlostavljanja i kritičnih roditelja nismo nikad naučili, nismo nikada naučili da smo ok takvi kakvi jesmo sa svim nedostacima i što god nam se ne sviđa u samima sebi - i sada smo zaglavljeni sa socijalnom tjeskobom -
koja nam izgleda kao panika i problem sa panikom i stidljivosti - što je ustvari samo mali djelić simptoma traume.
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5.10.2023
"But I need to be cool or look good or else they'll judge me"
People who judge others based on their looks are abnormal and sick and anti-social. Their brain is abnormal and sick.
So basically you made sick evil people into your Masters, your gods to obey and listen and perform circus tricks to appease them and do as they expect you to be.
Such people will always judge. No matter how perfect you are and flawless - they will always nitpick and find faults because they are abnormal and evil and sick.
They get high and they get sense of worth by putting other people down and making other people feel inferior and ashamed and confused and rejected.
It's time to discard trash to garbage can where it belongs and be yourself as you are.
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6.10.2023
YT "Intrusive thoughts follow the uncertainties you try to control. #ocd #recovery #psychology
"
Seesaw effect - these thoughts do not come out of brain on its on.
There is always toxic person who is pushing them into us. Intrusive thoughts are proof of hidden covert narcissistic abuse where we are gaslighted and brainwashed into believing that our brain is making intrusive thoughts up.
If we believe our brain is abnormal and creating intrusive thoughts out of sheer boredom - we will never actually open our eyes and look for toxic people who dump this crap into our brain that pops up as "intrusive thoughts" and appears to us as rumination.
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YT "CBT Exercises for Intrusive Thoughts
"
CBT is ableist therapy which actually creates intrusive thoughts.
Thought journaling will focus us only on worry and rumination - due to Anchoring Bias and Confirmation Bias - this will stuck us into worry and cycle of same pattern of awareness, stuck in tunnel vision without being able to see issues from multiple angles and multi dimensions -
Instead of thought journaling - journaling in general would do the trick, journaling without limits, without rigid thinking which CBT is promoting and hence spreads mental illness.
Cognitive restructuring - lobotomy is really bad idea. If we have issues with rumination and worry and intrusive thoughts - we did not pick up these due to faulty brain. We simply may be Neurodivergent, which is not sickness nor abnormality to cure with nitpicking our brain.
Most often thought - we get intrusive worries due to toxic people who are often covert and hidden and they ruin our well being while we are being gaslighted and brainwashed into guilt tripping ourselves and scapegoating our brain which is perceiving the threat.
CBT hence encourage us to destroy the messenger, to destroy alarm, to cover up annoying signals that tell us that someone toxic is near us and causing us issues with safety.
Similar to the movie from 1992 "Hands that Rocks the Cradle" where a couple started to experience hazards and mishaps when a psychopath posing as helper and saint joined their home.
Mediation - any reaction, any ritual as response to anxiety leads to more anxiety. This will end up as OCD.
Instead of crappy CBT there is Humanistic Therapies which actually work : which is based on validation and acceptance and goals and self worth.
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Pišem o socijalnoj tjekobi na blogu i reddit, to mi je specijalnost hehe.
Doslovno sam upoznavao doktora i psihijatricu sa tim konceptom 1998-e, nisu imali blage veze da to postoji.
Čini mi se da 20+ godina poslije nije ništa bolja situacija.
Trauma znači da je nešto blokirano u nama, da smo iskusili neko traumatično iskustvo koje nama osobno je bilo teško za procesuirati - pa se sada vraća kao panika.
Trauma znači da je energija zarobljena u tijelu i kada doživimo sličnu situaciju onda izgleda kao da se bojimo, kao da smo plahi, nesigurni, sramežljivi, uplašeni oko ničega.
I onda zaključimo da nešto ne valjda sa našim mozgom, kako razmišljamo - i onda tražimo "konačna rješenja" kako ti to zoveš..
Tako sam proveo 26 godina tražeći to konačno rješenje - i ništa nije pomoglo.
Bio sam uvjeren da moram naći neko tajno rješenje, neki mehanizam, nekakav način kako da blokiram tjeskobu i paniku.
Sve do trenutka kada sam saznao sa koncept traume, da ta panika i socijalna tjekoba je trauma ustvari.
Panika je normalna reakcija na nešto što nas plaši i smeta, tjeskoba isto, to je kao neka poruka, pokušava nam reći nešto važno ali je ne slušamo. Neugodna je i hoćemo je maknuti i riješiti je se i postati super pouzdani i snažni kako se ne bi brinuli i bojali.
Tu trebaš napravit klik u glavi, moraš shvatiti da problem nije u našoj glavi, nije problem sa nama. Problem je u toksičnoj sredini koja nas je traumatizirala i koja nas iznova i ponovo traumatizira.
Ako nisi serijalni ubojica, ako nemaš poriv da naneseš nekome zlo - nema ništa abnormalno u nama da smo bolesni i poremećeni. Ako je netko anti-socijalan - to je poremećaj koji se liječi i koji treba konačno rješenje.
Rad sa traumom znači ono što sam pričao prije da otkrijemo tko smo mi, kao osobe, koji je naš identitet, što volimo, što ne volimo i da se orijentiramo u životu u skladu sa tim vrijednostima, ono što vjerujemo i znamo da je nama važno.
Sa traumom to ne možemo napraviti jer trauma nas sabotira.
Trauma nam govori da ako osjećamo paniku da nismo muškarci, da nismo vrijedni kao osobe, da se moramo liječiti i popraviti i postati savršeni. To je toksični stid.
Ako si vidio ostale videe o socijalnoj tjeskobi ili čitao self help knjige ili čitao CBT (to je službena psiho-terapija za socijalnu tjeskobu) - svi se oni usredotočuju na to da trebamo nešto popraviti u svojoj glavi i da nađemo konačno rješenje. To je krivi pristup i to samo nas ponovo traumatizira jer sebe odbacujemo, odbijamo prihvatiti sebe kao osobu koja doživljava probleme sa tjeskobom i panikom - i umjesto traženja krivca - mi krivimo same sebe i sramimo se samih sebe i hoćemo sebe prelomiti na pola da postanemo drugačija osoba. Naravno da će takvo razmišljanje dovest do još više tjeskobe i panike jer mrzimo same sebe.
Ako barataš sa engleskim koliko toliko pročitaj knjigu od Pete Walker "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving"
ili pogledaj videe o Complex Trauma, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria i Quiet BPD.
Trauma nas priječi da se prihvatimo (na engleskom je Validation), da damo samima sebi vrijednost, da se potvrdimo - umjesto da se sramiš panike i pokušavaš je uklonit - da ju vrednuješ, da gledaš na paniku kao dio sebe, umjesto da je se sramiš i skrivaš. Pogledaj da li će ti to pomoći kad se pojavi.
Ta panika je Dysregulation. To znači da zbog traume, postane nam aktivan dio mozga koji je zadužen za obranu, kao da je ratno stanje.
To trauma uzrokuje, nije panika problem, problem je trauma, i naše odbijanje da je prihvatimo i slušamo i razumijemo.
Umjesto toga - pokušavamo nadoknaditi se i staviti lažnu masku kao da smo snažni kako drugi ne bi primjetili da smo uplašeni.
U toksičnoj sredini, toksični ljudi i primijete i onda nas posrame.
Problem su takvi ljudi, ne mi, ne naša reakcija.
Recimo da doista uspiješ naći konačno rješenje i da se više ne bojiš i da više ne osjećaš paniku niti tjeskobu - (to se zove Funkcionalna ili Zamaskirana socijalna tjeskoba) - pogledaj samog sebe, zamisli samog sebe u situacijama da si na nekom velikom partiju gdje nikoga ne poznaješ ili na novom poslu gdje nemaš pojma kako se nešto radi, ili u situaciji da si u sukobu sa kolegom ili profesorom -
samo razmisli što bi činio u takvim situacijama.
Da pričaš sa nepoznatim ljudima, da se braniš, da izneseš svoje stajalište ili da odlučiš otići i prekinut kontakt sa nekim tko je nerazuman - za sve to ti je potreban identitet, persona.
Trebaš znati tko si ti. Što ti voliš, što ne voliš kod sebe, što ti odgovara kod drugih ljudi, što ne podnosiš kod drugih.
Dok imamo socijalnu tjeskobu - mi to ne znamo, jer nemamo svoj identitet. Umjesto fokusiranja na vlastite želje i preferense i stvaranja kontakta sa nekima, umjesto znatiželje - sa socijalnom tjeskobom i traumom i panikom - mi smo preopterećeni simptomima i to nas smeta. To nam je glavni problem - o tome brinemo prije, tijekom i poslije nekog događanja.
Tako da od djetinstva - umjesto da razvijamo same sebe i svoj identitet mi smo preokupirani konačnim rješenjem, kako stopirati paniku i tjeskobu. I onda obično radimo što drugi traže, ne možemo ih odbiti, ne možemo ih upozoriti kada pretjeruju jer nas panika blokira u svemu tome. I naše uvjerenje da je panika problem - i da moramo je maknut i naći rješenje za nju. Uopće ne razumijemo da je stvaran problem u toksičnoj sredini, toksičnim ljudima i traumama u našem tijelu koje smo dobili od takvih ljudi koji su nas šokirali i napali.
To trebaš shvatiti, mora ti doć klik u glavi da se prešaltaš na novi način gledanja na socijalnu tjeskobu - umjesto discipliniranja samog sebe da prihvatiš i voliš samog sebe, skupa sa panikom i tjeskobom, kako bi mogao početi gradit svoju osobnost i pomoći traumi da zacijeli.
Kada imamo svoj identitet - drugi ljudi nas neće više toliko izbaciti iz takta, nećemo više biti toliko u panici.
Iza panike leži strah što drugi misle o nama, leži mržnja prema samima sebi a da toga nismo ni svjesni uopće-
kada imamo paniku i tjeskobu onda ponavljamo obrasce ponašanja i razmišljanja koji smo započeli u traumi jer nam nije nitko došao i objasnio što se događa, niti smo mogli kao djeca razumjeti psihologiju.
Umjesto prihvaćanja samog sebe, roditelji su nas kritizirali a vršnjaci posramljivali - i tako smo došli do zakljčka da je nešto poremećeno i pokvareno u nama i da moramo naći konačno rješenje da same sebe popravimo..
Sve je ok sa nama, nema ništa strganog unutra - samo smo naučili mrziti same sebe i da se ne možemo osloniti na svoj vlastito mišljenje i vlastite ideje.
Ovo je teško shvatiti jer su nam isprali mozgove da smo mi krivi i doista vjerujemo u to.
Onda dok ti netko ovako kaže da si ok, nećeš vjerojovati jer si uvjeren da je panika i tjeskoba nekakav dokaz da je nešto pokvareno unutra.
Nije.
Pokvareni su ljudi koji su nas u to uvjerili.
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(7.10.2023)
", it has helped many people manage their mental health effectively."
This is what bothers me.
If so many people really did resolve their intrusive thoughts with CBT - how come they are not teachers?
Why they don't write books, comments like this - helping other millions and billions of people who still struggle with intrusive thoughts?
IF they are really "cured" why they don't share it with the world?
Having intrusive thoughts is difficult condition and it is stubborn one. If someone actually did get help and better -they would be ecstatic and they would have natural empathic desire to help others to get out from Plato's cave into the Sun.
Any help would surely help someone to get into the right direction.
Obviously all those people who claim that CBT helped them - simply gave up and they were fed up with therapy which does not and cannot work - so they declared themselves cured in order to stop the torture and extortion of CBT.
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YT "Keep Showing Up: Building Connection with God and People - Bobby Schuller
"
I love the story with Denaro, it makes sense about my past when I gave my best at work and was shunned by colleagues for doing "too much" as oppose them doing almost nothing.
Looking back, the only issue was my social anxiety making me extremely focused solely on their criticism instead of soaking up work experience and the contact with social anxiety itself and gaining experience.
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The very reason why we struggle with self-silencing is due to someone ordering us and commanding us what to think, what to speak and anything related to having an opinion,
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YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety: 10 Life Changing Tips"
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma. This means - social anxiety will be triggered by anything resembling the original trauma (angry people, ACoA ambient childhood, ACE).
Anything ELSE than this - is not social anxiety.
Alternatives are:
- shyness
- neurodivergent brain
- schizophrenia
- narcissism
The difference is:
Shyness: exposure will help, as described in this video. Shy people do not worry before nor after the event. When social event is without incidents - shy person will feel "cured" and they will never ever worry about who said what and what happened and what might happen the next time.
Neurodivergent brain: Autistic people will appear socially anxious but their meltdowns are not related to triggers, only to processing data.
Schizophrenia: when person is delusional and paranoid and data appears connected in weird and irrational way.
Narcissism: impulsive BPDers resolve their deep toxic shame by attacking others, through Fight response and criticizing others. When other people leave them and reject them - they will experience symptoms which appear as social anxiety. And they will gladly label themselves as socially anxious since this makes them victim and they can attract empaths and HSPs in honeymoon phase before the abuse sets in.
In 1990s CBT "experts" got Researcher Bias where they invited shy and narcissistic people to be evaluated - so results for social anxiety was based on misdiagnosis. True socially anxious person would never ever be valuated and go to doctors or any kind of exam - due to social anxiety itself. So CBT and DSM regarding social anxiety are based on misdiagnosis.
Social anxiety is not fear of going to parties. And it will not go away with exposure.
Analogy of social anxiety is being stuck in toxic job with mobbing and screaming and yelling and nitpicking and micromanaging and microaggression at hourly rate from everybody: customers, boss and colleagues - without exit due to finances. That is social anxiety. Being stuck in such social situation. Anything else is not social anxiety.
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YT "Have social anxiety? Give effective compliments!
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I am not sure more of Fawning is healthy for anyone struggling with codependency, toxic shame, narcissistic abuse and Attachment issues which constitutes social anxiety trauma.
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Social anxiety stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse - so enabling the abuser through fawning is really unhealthy and toxic behavior that encourages the psychopaths to abuse even more.
Self help industry does not help anyone - only to the authors of it, who make money by parasiting on other people's trauma.
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Finding loophole to the loophole is social anxiety itself.
Triggering, triggers, flashbacks - this is all Complex Trauma which CBT labels as hallucination and illogical.
Then pharma mafia makes money on other people's unrecognized trauma.
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YT "Breaking Free from Social Anxiety:Guide to Overcome Shyness #anxiety
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Social anxiety is not the same as shyness.
Exposure will not help with Complex trauma and RSD and Quiet BPD - which are all Social anxiety.
Relaxing will not help when we are abused - which triggers social anxiety.
Socially anxious already do listen - due to abuse and expecting new abuse.
Challenging own brain leads to toxic shame, more of it, and that ends up as Ironic Processing Theory - where stopping negative thoughts generates more of them. What we resist, persist - said Jung.
Visualization is already highly activated in social anxiety trauma.
People with social anxiety don't join groups due to social anxiety.
Self compassion is impossible because there is no Self , no Ego inside, due to abuse AcoA ACE which caused social anxiety in the first place.
Exposure will work with Phobia and Shyness, not with trauma. Exposure will lead to re-traumatization.
Stop thinking - will not work, it will generate more of it.
Literally all these you wrote here don't work and they lead to more of social anxiety.
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YT "I used to 🤮 before social events, until I realized THIS... #socialanxiety
"
"Your worth is not tied to other people's experience"
That is the problem -
Social anxiety is Quiet BPD.
Which means - there is no self worth. There is no Ego. There is no Self. It was never build up due to ACoA trauma criticism and abuse in childhood known also as ACE.
We cannot replace false belief systems because there is no basis to replace.
Tools are there - but there is no house to work those tools with.
The Self must be build up first. Tools for fixing a window will do you no good if there is no house at all in the first place.
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YT "How To Conquer Social Anxiety!
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Social anxiety is not related to social skills.
Socially anxious are empathic and they already do have social skills - they are able to put themselves in other people shoes and feel other people's emotions as if they are their own. That is top tier social skill which 90% of people do not have at all.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma -
it stems from exposure to relentless criticism in childhood - it is called ACoA , ACE. ACE can be easily tested online, without login required.
Trauma means - social skills will not help, conversations with random people will not help.
Trauma in social anxiety is Quiet BPD - which means there is no Ego, no Self, no Self Worth - there is no identity.
Without identity - social anxiety will appear as if there is problem with social skills and not being able to talk to people.
So social anxiety will appear as not loving one self. That is because there is no Self. There is no identity. Instead of identity - there are coping mechanisms and fawning and trying to please other people who define socially anxious and puts labels on them - so social anxiety will appear as fear of criticism. While in reality it is fear of expressing own criticism - because there is no identity persona personality inside.
Social anxiety stems from narcissistic abuse - exposure to impossible situations where exist was no option.
Think of social anxiety as being stuck in toxic job with ongoing mobbing 24/7 from customers, boss and colleagues with micro-aggression and screaming and yelling and physical abuse - without exist strategy, without being able to quit due to finances. That is social anxiety.
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YT "How to Overcome Social Anxiety? #socialanxiety
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You mix up shyness with social anxiety.
Social anxiety is being stuck in toxic job with mobbing and inability to escape due to finances. It is trauma and being in narcissistic abuse. It is more deeper issue than going to some boring social gathering and worrying what other people not liking us.
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YT "How To Overcome Social Anxiety....
"
You mix up shyness with social anxiety.
Being worried about parties and what some unknown people think is shyness and neurotypical issue of belonging to herd mentality and conformism and groupthink.
On the other hand,
social anxiety is being stuck in toxic job with mobbing without ability to quit it due to finances. That is social anxiety - there is real narcissistic abuse, there are psychopaths and there is no way out - that is social anxiety.
Narcissistic abuse is relentless criticism, nitpicking of our errors which are normal and every day occurrences, it is false accusations where someone in power and authority is inventing problems and drama and is pathological liar - where there is no protection against the slander, as Moliere said. That is social anxiety - being trapped in abuse without means to escape it.
Quote:
"Social anxiety results from being around people who are resolutely opposed to who you are."
Stefan Molyneux
Social anxiety stems from AcoA, ACE. ACE can be tested online, without login, it is quick test and anonymous.
ACE ACoA is being exposed to relentless criticism 24/7 by untreated mentally ill people in authority in childhood when our brain was supposed to be in psychological security - it received micro-aggressions 24/7, invalidation which generated toxic shame and inner critic and destruction of Self, identity, persona and personality, and Ego. Without intrinsic locus of control - other people's mood, anger and opinions easily mess up any traumatized person - which is social anxiety trauma.
Mediation then won't help when we are in abuse and without ability to run away.
Breathing unfortunately also won't help at all when the customer or boss or colleague is screaming at you and demand perfectionism and labels you in vulgar words and depictions just because you are not fast enough or you do not do perfectly enough for their impossible standards.
Being stuck in abuse is impossible to be comfortable and relaxed.
Picturing even perfectly and killing it and people congratulate you won't help in shame Culture ambient where other people are intrusive and aggressive and sadistic.
If we believe that we must make ourselves proud so that we please toxic people - this will lead to people pleasing and fawning and enabling the abuse and rationalizing it as something that we must obey the commands of psychopaths.
Comparing ourselves with other people is extremely toxic and unhealthy, any psychologist will tell that.
Proud will not help when in abuse other people put you down, attack you, there is micro aggressions all the time, micromanaging, abuse all the time - being proud won't help at all.
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YT "This tip can help with social anxiety and shyness. #shyness #socialanxiety #personaldevelopment
"
Shyness and social anxiety is not the same.
Shyness is being obsessed with neurotypical crap: talking to strangers and going to parties.
On the other hand,
social anxiety is being stuck in toxic job with mobbing 24/7 from boss, colleagues, customers and there is inability to quit this toxic job due to finances. That is social anxiety. There is talking, but it is verbal abuse. And no means to escape it. That is social anxiety. It is being stuck in narcissistic abuse.
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YT "GET RID of social anxiety with this step #selfimprovement #socialskills"
That is shyness.
Social anxiety is already being in situations with toxic people. Like being stuck in toxic job with mobbing 24/7 and verbal and physical abuse from boss, colleagues and customers and there is no possibility to quit that toxic job due to finances -
that is social anxiety.
Being obsessed with neurotypical obsessions like talking to strangers is shyness. Not social anxiety.
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YT "How to overcome social anxiety?"
Social anxiety is already neuroticism running rampant (making decisions, setting priorities, factors, risk assessment) - these are all standard sets of tools of social anxiety being turned on 100 times.
Social anxiety is Quiet BPD where there is no Self, no identity, no persona, no personality - no Ego - so there are no goals to make decisions about. With social anxiety the role of Self is hijacked by other people, hence trauma bonding and people pleasing and making decisions which will please other people, usually narcissists who quickly recognize and then farm and enslave the socially anxious inside narcissistic abuse.
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YT "Overcoming social anxiety with Uber/sales: just like working out... Do reps!"
Talking to people is shyness issue, not social anxiety.
Being obsessed with interaction with strangers is Neurotypical mindset.
Social anxiety is being stuck in toxic job with actual mobbing and abuse 24/7 from the boss, colleagues and customers - and without ability to quit that toxic job due to finances - that is social anxiety.
So repetition, conversation in abuse and mobbing - will not help with literal verbal abuse, physical abuse, pathological lying, narcissistic abuse, slander, false accusations.
Social anxiety by official medical definition is inability to handle criticism and negative evaluation. Social anxiety is not shyness.
To lower perceived value of interaction will not help if someone accuses you OVER AND OVER AGAIN to be a thief, liar, rapist, abnormal, sick, lazy, abuser.
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YT "How to Easily Overcome Social Anxiety
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You mix up shyness with social anxiety.
Being obsessed with confidence so that other people worship you is narcissism, being borderline and hence mental illness.
Social anxiety is not shyness.
Shyness is being obsessed with talking and confidence, neurotypical mindset.
Social anxiety on the other side is being stuck in toxic job with mobbing from the boss, customers, colleagues 24/7 without ability to quit that toxic job due to finances. That is social anxiety - being stuck in narcissistic abuse without ability to run away.
Narcissistic abuse is when psychopath is criticizing us all the time, they make things up since they are pathological liars, they nitpick our errors all the time, errors which are natural and normal and every day occurrence. There is slander and fighting back or defending ourselves lead to drama and hysteria which toxic people like and enjoy because they are sadists.
Social anxiety is Quiet BPD - which means there is no Identity, there is no Ego, no self, no persona, no personality due to ACoA ACE abuse in childhood when psyche was supposed to be built up naturally in psychological safety.
Social anxiety is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - being highly reactive to any kind of criticism and this cannot be cured with will power nor logic.
So social anxiety is already being in contact with others, there is talking - but the other person is sick, abnormal and pathological. Countries with Shame Culture are filled with intrusive people who can't mind their own business, verbal abuse and put downs all the time, since it is the culture of toxic shame and toxic shaming.
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"but many people just like me, know this as a term of feeling resistance and not being comfortable at all while being around others."
You are correct -
however you are mislabeling your shyness and you misdiagnose it as social anxiety.
This can have devastating experience on anyone with true social anxiety.
Truly socially anxious person will suppress and shut up and self censor oneself and will depend on other person to define their feelings - and you are then brainwashing truly socially anxious person into belief that your shyness is social anxiety.
What has helped you - will not help anyone with true social anxiety. In fact, your words will hurt them and cause harm - since they will now believe that they have abnormal and sick brain, that their mind is abnormal and sick because your "cure" is not working for them.
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"the example that you wrote doesn’t make any sense."
That is proof that you never had social anxiety.
You only had a mere shyness.
You misdiagnosed yourself.
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""and making them realize that everyone is not a rapist."
How? By not raping them?
face-blue-smiling
If someone's trust in men is broken, in society - there is nothing that you can do. And why would you?
Why do you have urge to be superior over other people and make them into victim, why you see yourself as strong and better and superior to others?
Urge to fix other people is mental illness, it is codependency.
There are specialist experts who have finished medical school who actually help others because it is their job - and they struggle with it and cannot do much with all the medical knowledge and years spend in education and experience - they still have hard time to helping others.
What you can do, instead of being self-righteous and pretending to be strong and better than others - is to validate them and listen to them and try to understand them.
What I see from you is that you are having really hard time listening to me, hard time in understanding and have a hard time to reading the actual words in the comment.
You see your "help" as discipline, as an order, as a command , as you are some kind of chief in charge and other people are your slaves who must follow you and worship you because you are helper to them.
That is psychopathy. Psychopaths and narcissists are obsessed with soaking other people admiration while they see themselves as superior helpers.
I'd suggest you to check out concept called Karpman Drama Triangle.
You don't really care about people.
You care only to feel good about yourself, while you see other people as objects to command and swipe away, as an inconvenience that must be instructed how to think in order to be approved by holy and mighty you.
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"Millions of people call that social anxiety."
Argumentum ad populum
"Ad populum fallacy refers to a claim that something is true simply because that's what a large number of people believe. In other words, if many people believe something to be true, then it must be true."
" So if everyone understands this term, I think it's fair to call that social anxiety too."
No.
We actually do have medical definition of social anxiety.
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10.10.2023
Unfortunately 5 seconds rule will not work with a REAL rejection.
RSD is not always over-reacting. Sometimes RSD is based on the real true rejection and it is almost always in situations where we cannot cut contact with toxic person.
Anxiety can be imaginary - when we have trauma, any circumstance similar to the original trauma will trigger RSD.
HOWEVER - where there is smoke there is a fire.
Anxiety is neuroticism, it stems from personality trait , which is not sickness nor abnormality to cure or remove.
Anxiety helps us to see with X-rays which penetrates the mask - we actually SEE without our eyes but our inner gut feelings when someone is taking advantage of us, when we are being duped.
A lot of people wear fake social masks in order to hurt and exploit easy targets - someone who is not secure in its own feelings, emotions and sensations.
Problem with Mel Robbins advice is the same as with CBT: when we REJECT our own body, mind and our own traits - we are actually creating now personality disorder and toxic shame. We are doing incredible psychological damage on our psychological system - where we reject ourselves.
We simply end up dis-trusting ourselves.
When we hate and reject and distrust our Selves - we will become codependent and we will depend on other people who appear as "strong" and "stoic" and without frets. While in reality - other people wear masks and they have plethora of psychological issues which they suppressed and do not show nor talk about - so they give false fake impression of someone being "healthy" - while in reality they are severely sick and abnormal, they simply wear fake masks -- as narcissists and psychopaths do.
I believe that RSD stems from AcoA and ACE experiences in childhood - and now we have ability to detect fake people and toxic people, too - as you did mention in this video.
I would not reject our ability to detect that something is wrong in our surroundings.
I would not go along with path to always reject our reactions and label them as hallucination and being over-sensitive.
Instead - I would be curious.
I would investigate what the hell is going on.
I would turn on Sherlock Holmes inside me and look for clues, or like being scientist in the lab - looking for clues and patterns and secrets and make propositions - which we already do have in our imagination - and actually investigate and ask the other person questions that would reveal inconsistencies and lies, and covert abuse.
Think of it like being at corrupt car mechanic - you do not know what he has done to your car - but you do notice that something is wrong after the "repair". It would be insane to propose that all people are good and honest and keep on going to the same mechanic.
Psychopaths and narcissists wear fake mask - and they appear as false persona in order to attract new victims.
IF we destroy our ability to doubt and have doubts about reality - we will be duped in life by toxic people.
We have to trust our brain - in order to have self trust, self validation, self acceptance and self Worth - because without it, we won't function in this life on our own, we will depend on other people to explain us reality and that makes us primary target for all sorts of predators.
With RSD it appears as if we are over-sensitive and that we are hallucinating reality. Ableist CBT will instruct us and brainwash us into this false explanation.
I would encourage anyone to see what over-sensitive person looks like -
check our tweets from William Shatner, actor from Star Trek series and movies.
In his tweets he is extremely defensive to anyone - even for comments which are positive and encouraging - he dismiss them and attacks anyone who comments his tweets in really defensive and rude manner. That is being over-sensitive. It is rigid thinking, without ability to think how his behavior is affecting others, and without ability to see whether he might be wrong in his own perceptions of other people's comments. That is not RSD.
RSD is not automatic rejection of any feedback or comment - we get triggered at specific situations:
- and that is when someone is judging us and making assumptions and accusation about anything which we fact-checked and made sure it is correct and right.
For example - it is like being on a new job and naturally we will make mistakes in performing tasks. Then if someone is nitpicking our errors - it is really unfair - since we cannot be perfect when doing something for the first time.
That is RSD - when toxic person is using situations where we are vulnerable and when we cannot perform at top tier simply because of outside circumstances such as not having enough experience.
I would really encourage anyone with RSD issues - to focus on discovering toxic people, learning about narcissistic abuse and reading about Dark Psychology facts -
RSD is ability to detect predators - we have x-ray machine - due to exposure to abusers and bullies since childhood.
While other kids were having psychological security which provided them a "stoic" and "strong" and "confident" adult life - we were exposed to Chernobyl ambient - and we now have high skills in detecting minute small levels toxic radiation from fake people.
I really would not add more radiation and toxicity by rejecting our senses and trust in ourselves with Mel Robbins "advice" nor ableist CBT.
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YT "Social Anxiety & Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria | Toxic Consumer Culture | Story-time
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Being nice and kind to strangers is not being doormat.
I believe posh stores have cameras and crew which is observing possible thieves. Also, in the West, clothes have code which would buzz if someone actually steal them, at the exit..
I also have this OCD fear that I would be falsely accused of stealing something.
I also had similar experience with checking signatures with card. Signature is not necessary - since there is photo on ID, as you said in video.
Now there are debit cards with pin - so there is no need to sign anything. Can you check that type of card available in your bank?
What I see with stores - is that there are a lot of frauds going on - and employees will feel fear and panic when facing the perpetrators - since they may be violent. So - you being a shy kind woman, you are excellent target to abuse their suspicion on.
That is how toxic society works - when we are kind and nice, most people will believe that they can ease up their defenses and be unkind, they will believe that you can take it because you are some sort of in close contact with them where you are being safe person. This is called Porcupine Dilemma - where when people feel they are close to someone, they hurt them with their stings. It is paradox actually. If you were a big strong smelly man with BO and drool or puke on his shirt who is angry and hysterical, they would not make so much fuss and let him go without checking and with whatever signature he has.
"I can be literally the most harmless person while being considerate of other people's feelings and yet somehow people always assume the worst about me. So I am at loss here. I sincerely don't know what I'm doing wrong. Am I walking on the wrong side of pavement, am I scowling at strangers without my awareness? Do I just give off bad vibes to other people? It attract a lot of unwanted attention from most people."
Yep,
you summarized social anxiety trauma here.
It is trauma.
This is what we were conditioned to believe from trauma in AcoA and ACE childhood. It is Operant Conditioning, a hypnosis, programming.
We were exposed to relentless criticism all the time, and now we are stuck with Quiet BPD (suppressing anger and not having identity and hating ourselves while being people pleaser) and Rejections Sensitivity Dysphoria (unable to withstand criticism).
"I come from the States where people can be fired from the job for not smiling enough"
I love this video, you are talking about social anxiety issues where I did not find anyone to talk to at all.
Yep -
and I come from the Balkans where you can be fired from the job for smiling and being kind and nice haha.
My last boss labeled me as sissy and weak because I helped others and I could stand her yelling and screaming and not smiling - so I told her all that - and I was removed from my job position/unit 2 months afterwards.
In fact - most of my social anxiety stems from clerks being rude and aggressive and unkind all the time without being able to smile.
Smiling is the way to not scare kind and nice people.
So the States in a way do help community -
look at the Balkans where there is corruption and abuse - it is poor. Poor economy means not having ambulance that will come to pick your sick mother who is about to die - because corrupt medical personnel simply does not want to work over Christmas time. Poor economy based on anger and mood swings has such detrimental effect on economy and psychological state too - I believe my own social anxiety stems from toxic society which is unable to smile, yet is able to be intrusive.
There is one American girl who left Croatia because people were intrusive:
Quote from poslovni hr:
"Young American explained why she left Croatia:
"In Croatia people constantly express intrusive opinion about matters which are none of their business. The most irritating things were rude people.""
I remember going shopping to Austria or Germany or Netherlands - and I never ever experienced clerk or bus driver or any kind of personnel being rude to me, or being hysterical or making drama because I did not have small change coins. In Croatia every day activity - such as buying newspapers is drama and hysteria because of rude clerks who are angry all the time and noisy people who ask why I bought such and such newspapers.
I even got yelled at for driving a bicycle - for some unknown reason - some people simply hate me for existing and they do not shy away from screaming at me as I pass by. So I think I would feel much more safe in Japan or USA where people are conditioned to smile on force at others - instead of being angry and expressing mood swings and hatred to others just because they feel cranky for whatever reason.
I believe that social anxiety is Complex Trauma - and we were traumatized into fixing other people and making them feeling comfortable, Negative Politeness.
This means - we never developed Sinead O'Connor mentality of protest.
That we express our own criticism to others who deserve it due to their toxic behavior.
If you actually screamed at shopping personnel and told them that you come at their store every day,
that they have cameras and devices that detect something stolen - they would stop their paranoia.
They interpreted your silence as your automatic guilt.
I actually had similar situation in my youth,
when I was 17.
I was with my cousin at my rare going out - we were at beach with discos and caffes and food sellers - and we were walking by some eatery - when all of the sudden the owner jumped at us and they accused us for not paying the hamburgers. I was mortified - I could not speak. Soon enough other employees came and they surrounded us. And my cousin spoke that we were just walking by - and one of the employees said that she is not the thief but I am. And they held us there for a moment, and then I spoke out that we were passing by - and then they let us go. Later I was thinking about it - and I realized that my voice and her voice was proof that we were not thieves - but due to panic and fear I was silent. It was the voice that showed them that I was not the thief.
People will accuse us of being harmful. When we were in ACoA childhood - we will feel guilty and ashamed and blamed for someone being angry and moody - and that will attract plethora of people with lower IQ who cannot process reality - and then we are primary goal to be shunned and attacked and scapegoated.
The only weapon we have is our own voice.
And with abuse - we never developed our identity, our persona, our personality - and we have no idea that we have no identity.
Ableist CBT and money profit Self help will mislead us into more of self blame and wrong direction of blaming our will power.
While in reality - it is problem with not developing our identity that is at the root of social anxiety trauma and RSD.
People are paranoid because psychopaths and narcissists wear fake mask.
They appear as either super confident and strong or silent and nice and kind - covert abusers.
That is why most people will attack us - we appear to them suspicious and when something goes wrong we will be primary scapegoat to slander.
Problem is that psychopaths and narcissists will accuse others - people like us - so we will be literally attacked by everyone - psychopaths and non-psychopaths - because we have inability to voice our identity our side of story - since our Self Worth, our Ego was destroyed by ACoA.
We need to build our identity - where we will be able to advocate for ourselves when we are falsely accused by dumb idiots.
-
YT "Fear of Being Perceived | Social Anxiety Tips & What Helps During Exposure"
Since 2015 every Monday I scan Social anxiety videos. IT is strange that I never commented this Mark Tyrrel 7 Tips video of his,
and
I even have Word document where I copy past the title of each video that I watch (because later on I realize I might have huge insight from certain videos and I want to reflect and see more of that particular author in order to learn more - so I keep the record of all watched videos).
I found his video title in my word file - I watched it on July 7, 2021.
From 2022 I started to leave comments on literally all social anxiety topic videos - so I will re-watch his video and leave comment there. If I do not have anything to comment, I leave at least some wise/insightful quote.
I believe with social anxiety we were traumatized into silence and not expressing our own opinion - so leaving comments is a form of safe exposure therapy - because we are exposed to negative reply, and learning that since it is online - no one can come banging at our doors to harm us for having certain opinion.
I believe a lot of information about Social anxiety is wrong, distorted and unfair, and it is based on Ableist CBT - and this is making social anxiety ongoing and never actually healing the trauma which caused it.
I like social anxiety tips you mention here!
I summarized some of them that you mention here on my Reddit forum for social anxiety.
-
YT "7 Tips to Overcome Social Anxiety or Social Phobia
"
First of all social phobia is archaic term. IT was replaced in mid 1990s when CBT "experts" discovered that it is not phobia at all - which means it does not go away with exposure, as any phobia does go away with repeated exposure to feared object.
This panic is actually Complex Trauma. It is complex version of PTSD.
Panic is amygdala hijacking and Emotional Dysregulation - it is important to notice that - because Mayo Clinic defines panic as hallucination and that there is nothing to fear.
Trauma is not fear. Trauma is being exposed to psychopaths and abuse over long period of time at repeated intervals.
So it has nothing to do with willpower as ableist CBT explains and brainwash us into false explanations that we are simply "over-sensitive".
"Social phobia" is not related to social situations.
We do not get panicked because of normal and kind and safe people.
"Social phobia" panic will come due to toxic people and predators. So we are not problem as CBT gaslight us.
Social "phobia" stems from ACoA and ACE - which means we have high skills to detect fake people.
So idea to become relaxed with potential serial killers is really really bad advice.
Instead of relax - I would not fight our alarms going on due to abnormal and sick and evil people who trigger us into social "phobia".
Instead of gaslighting us into relaxation - I would rather transform this "relaxation" by becoming Sherlock Holmes and look for clues what bothers us about people who trigger social anxiety panic triggers. Like a detective. Or another analogy is being scientist in a lab - that we detect new viruses. Being curious.
If we go with CBT ableism - where we suppress our emotions - this will end up as mental illness and personality disorder.
When we distrust our gut feelings - we will end up with toxic shame.
5:49
"Look at your surroundings"
"Socially anxious people focus inwards"
That is shyness, as you said in the video.
You are talking here about shyness. NOT social anxiety.
You mix up shyness with social anxiety.
Socially anxious focus on other people. They notice what other people do, act, they focus in detail on other people - due to expectation of aggression and attack - which is similar to the original trauma which caused social anxiety trauma.
This video is worthless, it is talking about shyness.
Whereas shy people will expose to social situations - and their shyness will naturally go away.
What bothers me about videos like this is that it gives wrong information about social anxiety - and that is narcissistic abuse: gaslighting and brainwashing into false explanation of reality. You are doing incredible psychological damage to socially anxious people who look for honest and genuine help - and get this shy nonsense described here - which will make socially anxious worse , since shyness is not the same as social anxiety.
---
Social anxiety is analogy of being stuck in toxic job with aggressive, rude and violent boss, colleagues and customers - without ability to quit that job due to finances.
That is social anxiety.
It is Oppression, not having money (socio-economic issue) and being stuck in narcissistic abuse,
These issues are not own fault. Problem lies in toxic people who exploit easy targets - someone who has no power.
Being preoccupied with talking to strangers is Neurotypical nonsense.
-
YT "How to Deal with Rejection || Motivational Story
"
This does not help in Toxic shame Culture country nor when being stuck with narcissistic abuse and narcissistic manipulation.
In fact, listening to evil people with agenda will make us being codependent, feeling like failure all the time, filled with toxic shame and being doormat, people pleaser and pushover to evil people who exploit our need to please others.
-
YT "ADHD Strategies For Escaping Rigid Patterns Of Thought
"
Every coping mechanism is about being safe. How come you realized this only now?
Almost any Gabor Mate books literally talks about that truth as primary message in any of his books.
-
Every single thing that you do that is marked by a felt sense of wanting to be safe. Your coping mechanism, your people pleasing, your aggression, literally everything is marked by a desire to want to feel safe. So the next time you get mad at yourself for engaging in that kind of coping mechanism – have grace for yourself that your body is trying to protect against a felt sense of threat.
"THREAT AND SAFETY"
🟥 ThomasFloydLPCC
-
Apart flight or fight there is also Fawn response - Negative politeness, not telling the truth in order not to harm other person, which accumulates stress and rejection from others because we set up ambient where other people will scapegoat us for any issue. If we are not aware of Fawning, we won't be aware that we are inside Stockholm Syndrome and trauma bonding all the time in social situations.
RSD is not always about perceived rejection, IT is also when there is REAL rejection, when toxic people label us and misdiagnose us and when they take advantage of us being kind and nice. So RSD is connected with narcissistic abuse and psychopaths roaming freely around and attacking us. IT is really bad idea to label RSD issues as hallucination - where we really need to cut contact with toxic people who appear as friend or help or service to us.
-
When you tell someone to calm down – there's a Power Dynamic that's implied. “I, partner, am calm and have everything under control, and you, someone with ADHD are whacked”. That will not bode well for productive conversation.
🟥Sharon Saline, PsyD
Even with Mr Dodson, he says "perceived rejection". That tells me that I'm not dealing in reality and that my experience is not real. Because "it's just a perception". I started trying to come up with neutral non judgmental terminology to explain what we're going through. RSD is instantaneous response whether we're rejected or corrected or directed. We have learned if we emote that unpleasant feeling that's bad.
🟥 Rena-Fi, Inc.
-
Black and white thinking is actually BPD Splitting.
BPD Splitting means we were abused in childhood (ACoA ACE) where we have been punished for expressing anger or opinion and being criticized all the time.
Now we see world as either absolutely good or absolutely worse, nothing in between.
BPD splitting means we do not have Ego, we never developed identity - so we depend on other people explanations and affirmations.
This means, our so called rigid thinking actually stems from rigid people around us - to whom we aligned to.
That means that we won't know what to do.
-
Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
🟨Janet G. Woititz
Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval.
🟨Janet G. Woititz
-
So any mindset logic - will not work with RSD.
RSD is the same as Quiet BPD - there is no Ego. There is no Identity. There is no persona. There is no personality. It needs to be build up so that logic and mindset works.
Self worth was destroyed by trauma and abuse which is unhealed and unprocessed.
-
YT "How to Quiet Your Inner Critic
"
What happens when a person who is rude and lives in egocentric world feels and labels correction and feedback as inner critic issue?
-
YT "Inner critic
"
If only it would be that easy - to let it go.
We are letting it go - toxic shame which is inner critic - does not let go of us.
IT is the other way around.
-
YT "Matt Gutman Opens Up About His Struggles With Panic Attacks
"
When I wrote that all people experience social anxiety - they simply use different name for it or cope with it in different manner than socially anxious - I was banned from main reddit social anxiety forum for spreading lies.
-
"But because I never learned to develop much of an identity growing up, I also never learned to develop the capacity to stand up for myself through voicing discontent or discomfort in any situation"
This identity concept was something that I discovered the most latest.
It was only after discovering Quiet BPD 3 weeks ago - that I realized that social anxiety is actually related to not having identity.
It is counter-intuitive.
Social anxiety appears as identity, having too much of it.
Thanks to Gabor Mate I was groomed to understanding this information about identity, he says:
“What we call the personality is often a jumble of genuine traits and adopted coping styles that do not reflect our true self at all but the loss of it.”
Quote by Gabor Maté
Because how can we voice anything - if we do not have Ego? We can't. We don't know what we truly like, what we dislike.
Instead this is based on other people and presuming what other people approve.
"And people's cold indifference and sometimes rude behavior really is typical in this day and age and nothing personal."
Identity would mean - okay I am person who finds human interaction, honesty and authenticity extremely imporant.
This means - if someone is indifferent or rude - it would be really bad idea to suppress my emotions and gut feelings regarding someone being indifferent or being rude.
IT would be really bad idea to rationalize my identity surrounding how I want the relationship and contact with other people to be - to rationalize it as being over-sensitive and say nothing about it.
Or feeling shame for reacting to someone rude when they mock us or tell us that we are over-sensitive.
With information about narcissistic abuse and psychopathy - I learned that when someone mocks us or dismiss our concerns as being over-sensitive - that this is called brainwashing and gaslighting.
"Rather than being nicer or accommodating other strangers' needs, I should learn to be more assertive and draw clearer boundaries"
Having identity, would mean that we should be who we are.
If we are not assertive to someone - it is high chance we aren't due to their abuse and power dynamics. Not because we are lacking skills or being weak or that something is wrong with us.
I see this identity concept, persona, personality - as missing puzzle in toxic shame. When we do not have identity - other people's explanations overwhelm us and mold us all the time. Since there are billions of people - we become like chameleon always changing our shape.
"it's hard sometimes when content creators or members of an online community don't respond to your posts and comments"
I personally have issues surrounding people who are rude and who are intrusive, and people who are in defensive mode, who like to argue and make drama and hysteria, angry people- that is my stumbling block regarding social anxiety.
I do not have much hang ups about people not responding, I've grown to be alone and isolated and this does not hurt or harm me anymore. In fact I feel better when I am left alone and when people do not react or don't speak to me - I do not interpret this as rejection at all.
I know most people are evil - so it is best that they don't ask me anything or that I do not get into any kind of contact with them - since I have issues with saying no or telling the truth when they are fake.
Like colleague from job who borrows money and never returns it - I find it hard to talk about it.
I learned this is called Negative Politeness, and it is part of people pleasing, fawning.
-
CBT is therapy of ableism. It dismisses the idea of neurodivergent mind - CBT is like fascism. It is rigid mindset and it instructing us to emotional fusion - where we equate our emotions with our persona.
So CBT will tell us (the socially anxious) to be Assertive.
In real life- we are assertive all the time. Any action, any word we speak - is assertion.
The problem are toxic people like narcissists who refuse to listen to others and who refuse to negotiate with other people. So being assertive with such people is like talking to a wall.
Also, narcissists and toxic people use personal information which we would provide while being assertive with them - and use it later on as weapon.
Lastly, when we are assertive with toxic people - we will eventually lose our temper since they are pathological liars and they enjoy drama and endless arguments without resolutions - so they will also weaponize our reactions when we exhaust all options with trying to find solutions with them.
We do not need to be assertive with normal healthy and sane people.
It is only stubborn, rigid people who require us to be assertive.
CBT will tell us to be "strong" and to build "social skills".
This is shaming. And it is not true.
We already are strong - since we battle with inner demons every day.
We already have superior social skills: empathy and ability to put ourselves into other people shoes. So CBT is misleading us and brainwashing us into misdiagnosis and wrong explanations.
Social anxiety is complex Trauma - a term which CBT and DSM bans - due to Pharma Mafia. Trauma is expensive, so diagnosis is not profitable for corporations and actually healing trauma would mean that millions of people addicted to pharma mafia would no longer make money profit for corrupt medical industry - since traumatized people would actually get help and heal with the correct information.
CPTSD is banned in DSM, while WHO's ICD-11 fully recognizes it.
The biggest problem with CBT is that it makes us believe that feeling anxiety and fears and panic is our choice which can be finished by our choice of nitpicking our thoughts. CBT calls this ABC Method, which is nothing else but lobotomy.
Anxiety, panic and fears that we feel in social anxiety is trauma. It is a wound. It is not a choice. And it has nothing to do with being strong nor weak. IT is not will power.
When we believe in CBT explanations of cognitive distortions - we will start to distrust our own brain, our own ability to make decisions and to trust our gut and brain - and then we will end up with deep toxic shame. That is self hatred and self rejection - where we are now convinced that if we feel anxiety, fears and panic that this means that we are abnormal and sick and that we must depend on other people to guide us, to be our compass , to tell us what we like in life and where we need to go in life.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology which actually works for social anxiety.
Humanistic therapies are based on self validation, self acceptance, and own goals in life and instead of trying to be perfect as CBT instructs us - it is based on understanding and learning and knowing that mistakes and errors are part of life and learning process - not personality trait as CBT explains us (that having cognitive distortions are sign that we ourselves as person are distorted).
-
Yep.
There is one video talking about trauma and how it is not profitable in American medical industry.
Funny you mention this:
". In America, most people wouldn't tell a war veteran to 'get over' his/her PTSD and move on with their life."
In fact,
they did,
During WW2 general Patton actually slapped American soldiers suffering from PTSD at Sicily island. Back then it was called Shell Shock in UK.
"George S. Patton slapping incidents"
"Mr. Kuhl, a South Bend factory worker, died Sunday of a heart ailment. He was an Army private hospitalized at Palmero when General Patton entered, accused him of being healthy and slapped him with a pair of gloves. General Patton lost his command of the United States Seventh Army as a result of the incident."
Patton's attitude is the exactly the same as CBT and most of you tube videos about Social anxiety-
social anxiety is seen as being coward, weak, abnormal, weird and lacking in social skills. We did not move much from Patton's slapping.
It is only after learning about Complex Trauma that I realized this is happening - it is hard to define it: that trauma is explained away by general society as personality fault. That is extremely damaging label and stigma, that worsens the trauma.
-
(11.10.2023)
" I don’t believe it has to be as extreme as you put it."
Social anxiety is very serious issue. It can lead to agoraphobia - and social anxiety symptoms overlap with 99% of personality disorders.
"perhaps don’t get the chance to develop social skills"
You mix up anti-social disorder with social anxiety.
Socially anxious already do have superior social skills of empathy and that means feeling other people's feelings as if they are their own... And putting oneself in other people's shoes. 80% of general population lacks this basic social skills. Socially anxious do not lack them, they have it in over-abundance.
When you and CBT put quick bias, wrong misdiagnosis such as "socially anxious lack social skills" you are creating stigma and lies become reality and self-fulfilling prophecy.
"That is, by definition, “social anxiety”."
Social anxiety stems from narcissistic abuse.
That is why it is called social+anxiety. Anxiety stemming from the social factor. Social anxiety is not called self-anxiety. Anxiety is not related to one own self identity - which does not exist in social anxiety anyways. Anxiety stems from rude, aggressive, alcoholic, abnormal and sick people like JP and misdiagnosers like you.
-
"But doesn't Shyness and Social anxiety appear similar "
Excellent question.
Problem is when we misdiagnose and put quick and wrong conclusions and perceptions and wrong explanations of phenomena and issues at hand.
This is called Hyper-cognition - when we quickly label some unknown mysterious phenomena with wrong label.
Then what happens is domino-effect: misdiagnosis can lead to secondary issues and problems which never existed before.
Think of plastic surgery - you feel ugly and you want to become like your favorite manga character. Then any decision to shape your face will beget uglier form of face while you end up being a monster - and all because of wrong explanations which appear as real to you: that you have ugly face. Who is the person who tells and orders what is correct and what is wrong?
When we do not know answer to this question, we tend to turn to other people for approval.
And since there are billions of people with their own rules and commands and orders and opinions - result will be chaos.
This means -
shyness is different from social anxiety.
If you do not know the difference, you will be fed wrong input about both issues.
Shyness by definition does not include toxic shame nor flashbacks nor triggers - which socially anxious have.
This means - shy person will eventually expose to social situations and shyness will go away with exposure.
Social anxiety on the other hand is trauma. It stems from dysfunctional childhood where a child was exposed to relentless criticism 24/7, unnecessary drama and hysteria about normal errors and daily troubles were presented as World War catastrophe over and over again.
Such ambient is called AcoA and ACE - and there are even online free quick tests available to check if ACE is present.
With ACE - we will be Operationally Conditioned to fear people and their criticism and expressing our own criticism. And as such we will attract plethora of toxic people such as narcissists and psychopaths who will repeat the original trauma over and over again, keeping us re-traumatized. Shy person does not go through this - since shy person had normal childhood where he or she learned to build own identity and to feel secure in the world even when there are errors and imperfections.
For the socially anxious - errors and imperfections are signs of personal fault and source of shame - which trigger constant survival mode called hypovigilance (being numb) and hypervigilance (walking on eggshells).
So what happens is when socially anxious search answers for panic and fears and anxiety - he or she will be explained that exposure works. But in reality - exposure works only for shy people - not for socially anxious.
Socially anxious person will be re-traumatized with exposure - since the core issue of toxic shame is not resolved.
So well meaning advice based on shyness is wrecking havoc and causing more trauma and more social anxiety for the socially anxious.
-
Another example is CBT which is ableist wrong therapy for social anxiety.
CBT will falsely give us "well meaning" instruction to stop avoiding people.
That works only for shy people with social anxiety symptoms.
Shy people will naturally move away from toxic people.
Socially anxious on the other hand need to avoid people in order to heal.
Socially anxious person has detector for detecting small minute levels of toxicity in other people - due to exposure to toxic people while growing up.
It is like being in chernobyl and now we detect radiation anywhere since additional radiation particles are destroying our already harmed body.
Or having light skin where any additional sunshine gives us serious skin burns.
So CBT "advice" of talking to strangers and having confidence to approach anyone and building non avoidance - will end up as attracting plethora of narcissists, impulsive borderliners and psychopaths who are capable of only having "relationships" with traumatized people who have trouble saying No and cutting toxic contact.
-
It is easy for him to patronize and to pontificate about angry people - because he is born as white heterosexual male.
With his white straight male genitalia, his life will be much easier and with better quality than the rest of us:
- he will get job easier and quicker
- his paycheck will be higher than the rest
- he will experience less abuse and bullying in school and at work
So this is Jane Elliot exercise "Brown Eye Blue Eye" where special group of people have privilege and special status in life - where it appears as if they have better skills than the rest of us. So it is easier for him to explain life in really superficial way that does not work in real life.
What works for him is not skills, but his pee pee that gets hard on on vagina. That is the only secret.
-
YT "Treating BPD With IFS: A Gentle & Compassionate Approach To Healing
"
I understand the analogy of Captain and basically being the driver.
What I do not understand - how we handle other people who are in unfavorable power dynamics, for example like having toxic job with toxic colleagues and toxic boss who have certain power over us - and hence we cannot quit this toxic job due to finances.
How we would "survive" toxic ambient and toxic people without getting triggered -
how would we react to narcissistic abuse that we are stuck in - with connection, compassion towards abusers? That will lead to fawning.
Being curious - I am not sure it would be helpful to put abusers in pedestal and worship them in a way that we become focused and obsessed with them.
With narcissistic person - it would not help much to be assertive with them, since they are stubborn and see us as object, they don't care if we cannot do certain task that they ask us, they won't listen to why we are unable to perform what we are asked.
And getting into arguments for the purpose to resolve issues with them is useless since they love drama and hysteria and antagonism and they do live in delusional world where we are only annoyance to them and a mere supply.
From my life experience - when I was in impossible situations, when I acted in healthy manner I was attacked by toxic people.
For example
- in driving school, the driver instructor was screaming and yelling at me and my driving mistakes - which I could not know better since it is school to learn how to drive. Yet every 5 minutes I would be flooded with vulgar insults and screaming and yelling. I ended up with driving phobia and I actually did not drive from 1995 until 2013.
I actually did told the instructor to stop yelling at me because I cannot drive when he is screaming - I explained that in calm and rational manner, without yelling at him - and I was thrown out of car in the middle of street and he drove away, leaving me alone in the street.
- in teen years when social anxiety set in (without knowing at the time I had social anxiety) - I tried to force myself to go outside with other kids, and I ended up being beaten up in the street. While the drunk kid was kicking at me, I did not hit him back and I asked him to stop. I was too ashamed to run away and I simply stand there while he kicked me with fists and legs.
- in kindergarten I was slapped repeatedly by nanny there, simply for peeing or defecating myself or out of no reason at all - when I laid in bed during daily rest, she would come to by bed and slap me for no reason whatsoever. Amazingly enough this did not traumatized me but it hurt me later on, when I grown and learn about abuse in general.
- other incidents like being physically attacked by teachers in grammar school for talking or laughing.
- repeated experiences of being yelled at and refused to help me from people in charge - from clerks or medical personnel to anyone in any kind of position where we depend on them, like bus drivers screaming for not having small change coins and stuff like that.
I think I removed more of bad experiences in toxic ambient due to my avoidance after the year 1990. I came to conclusions it is best to avoid people in general.
Now I do not understand this part - how to handle these unfavorable power dynamics - where other person who is in some kind of authority is refusing to help us accompanied by hysteric and violent manner towards us, and we have no alternative to ask help anywhere else. Or situations like having a job and dealing with customers or colleagues who are falsely accusing us, slander us behind our back or ask impossible things from us.
In my last job on more than one occasion I ended up buying stuff that they need - because the company was saving money, in order to appease others who were asking me to acquire things that they need.
All my life I have social anxiety trauma fear of other people who are vulgar and violent and aggressive - I have no idea how to handle them - other than avoiding life altogether or fawning to them.
-
YT "Healing Complex Trauma with Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS)
"
I'm trying to transpose information about Self: curiosity, confidence, clarity, connectedness over my triggers such as narcissistic, toxic, psychopathic people. I get a lot of confusion in my head about this transposing and integrating and harmonizing and trying to replace wounded parts reactions with Self, being authentic. I get a lot of short circuits when I try that.
I understand the healing inner parts - but that is Dispositional Attribution (inner emotions and feelings), and
That does not help us with Situational Attribution - real life, finances, lack of shelter, toxic people.
Dispositional Attribution will help with addressing distorted thoughts.
Situational Attribution will not help when distorted views and slander is rampaging from toxic ambient.
"We're not going to just sit there and let people mistreat us anymore. But we're able to protect ourselves in healthy and positive way."
Yes,
this is where short-circuiting happens -
what happens when we are punished, banned, attacked, stigmatized for protecting ourselves?
Now inner parts are recruited not because of our own option - but because of real threat.
Kinda like current war in Israel. Israel is recruiting their children for 50 years now, to serve in military for 2 years, both young women and young men. And last weekend they were attacked, it was unprovoked attack - and now Israel is at war, not because they want the war - but because Hamas is literally kidnapping their children, murdering them in horrific ways. Then they do not have any other option than to be in the state of war.
I believe anyone suffering from Quiet BPD, Social anxiety and Complex Trauma - are in the state of war - which is real. There are real toxic people, predators and narcissists who are causing our inner parts to be recruited.
IFS does not address that, as neither CBT.
IFS does validation part which CBT does not have - but both IFS and CBT are really victim blaming here. They both present panic as imaginary and as a hallucination - without real threat that is causing the panic.
Anyone who has been through narcissistic abuse will know about Coercive control, gaslighting and brainwashing where the target of abuse will self blame oneself for feeling fears, anxiety and panic - instead of looking at the perpetrator.
As I see - both CBT and IFS does not understand that victims of narcissistic abuse do not have money to leave the toxic ambient, abusers and they are being stuck with evil who is harming them.
I am not dismissing IFS - it is great tool for understanding effects of trauma. But it really does not address the cause of trauma: toxic people and how to protect ourselves from evil.
And it can't really - there is no solution.
The solution would be that there is police that is arresting narcissists and psychopaths - while in reality on this toxic planet, narcissists and psychopaths are worshiped - they are in politics, police, judicial system, medical industry, media.
The solution for trauma also would be to resolve world wide poverty - and that is impossible.
-
Yeah,
regarding self help books - I've read so many social anxiety books. And all of them have simple examples from life. For a long time I was convinced it was because of simplicity, that authors did not want to go deep about issues regarding social anxiety.
It is only in last 2 years that I realized that social anxiety in DSM and CBT is designed and explained as shyness issue.
So anyone who is abused, anyone who was traumatized and went through ACoA and ACE - will seek help for social anxiety panic and CBT and self help books will misdiagnose them and give totally wrong advice - all based on shyness.
And then the traumatized person will feel frustrated for all the advice not working. Exposure does not help with social anxiety - since it is not phobia.
Nitpicking cognitive distortions will not work since they spring from lack of identity and toxic shame.
Regarding the job, I believe if we work on our identity - we will eventually find work that we could work without stress- and it is said when we love what we do, we will never work till we're dead.
When we have toxic shame and trauma - our fears and panic will limit us into tunnel vision where we do not even consider something different - because we are afraid of what other people will think...
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(12.10.2023)
I think this IFS will work with missing puzzles I had - how to handle triggers and difficult people.
Maybe it is only my experience - but all trauma and all triggers stem from narcissistic abuse, it is toxic people who are distorting us but we blame ourselves instead because we don't want to be toxic ourselves and actually cause harm to others by defending ourselves.. and then end up with being stuck in abuse and with toxic people defenseless with whole lot of self blame and self shaming
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"No oone ever avbused me or my kindness. Quite the opposite."
You live in dissociation, denial as protective mechanisms and delusions without radar to detect the predators.
Until it will be too late.
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(14.10.2023)
"If you're too agreeable, like I have been most of my life, transition looks insane, but is quite possible."
There are many things that you miss:
1) Fawning is trauma response.
So it is not sickness nor abnormality to cure.
In fact, urge to see people pleasing as abnormality which must be replaced with Karen and being hysterical is trauma - you simply replace one trauma response with another : Fight response - and then you pass trauma curse onto the next generation by traumatizing others around you.
2) All people have 5 basic personality traits:
Agreeableness is one of them, it is called Big 5 Personality.
Being interdependent is normal and healthy and sane and all therapist will work with the client to achieve it since it is functional.
We will never have arguments, fights with people who are healthy and sane - we will only need to Assert and stand up for ourselves with psychopaths and narcissists whoa re mentally ill, evil and have personality disorder so they are unable to process people around them. Like toddlers, toxic people are focused on meeting their own needs, with greed and rage. Which leads to my third point -
3) People pleasing is a coping mechanism, it is tool to protect ourselves from abnormal and sick people and evil monsters who are in unfavorable Power Dynamics over us.
So they hold the safety of ourselves in their hands, they threaten us with losing our jobs, income, shelter. Tyrannical people are abnormal and sick and they love control and manipulation and they love torturing other people.
When we are unable to escape - the only way to survive is through people pleasing.
If we start to place judgements and labels and stigma on ourselves for the way how we coped and how we cope with toxic people - we will develop deep self hatred, toxic shame and BPD.
I would see healing - as ability to accept, understand and validate our reactions - instead of replacing them with becoming abuser or with dissociations and self blame.
People pleasing is totally normal and healthy and sane way to connect with other normal healthy and sane people - who will not take advantage or our kindness.
Only sick, abnormal and evil people will parasite over our kindness.
That makes them sick and abnormal - because they CHOOSE coercive control, manipulation and abuse as a way to interact with other people. It is their problem, not ours.
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"Therefore its a skill to create boundaries and protect yourself."
Problem starts in real world - where when we create boundaries - we get harmed. Women get killed - femicide.
I do not like this common self abusive rhetorics where we are explained as weak and abnormal for not having "boundaries".
If someone is criminally insane - no boundaries will protect you.
The one and only problem is toxic system and toxic people who allow toxic monsters to roam free - while everyone else around them end up in therapy.
We live in abuser-centered society, where psychopaths are worshipped and have no accountability for the evil, while everyone else is expected to adapt to the evil.
Adapting to the evil will make us sick.
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"I want to know how Gabor sees the psychopaths...whether it is linked to trauma. I think they're born like that."
That's a great question - because his rhetorics do not cover evil people - who are not mentally ill, who have no trauma - but who are clinically abnormal, they have abnormal brain. What we do when such person has control over us and we cannot leave.
Obviously having compassion and empathy and rationalizations and explanations for their abuse will be our doom in the future.
-
" setting boundaries"
What happens when setting boundaries is impossible - since we are trapped and they harm and hurt us when we do set boundaries?
What then Sherlock?
-
No, it is not perfectly said.
Because his rhetorics are self abusive and self rejecting - and it leads to trauma.
Does anyone of you actually listened to Mate Gabor?
If we believe that we are responsible for someone being evil and abnormal and sick and that we can twist ourselves into pretzel by changing our persona - that is people pleasing and fawning.
Trauma and PTSD is this false narrative - that we must change our core Self in order to survive toxic people by adapting to evil people.
This CBT idea will end up as sickness - we will develop all sorts of auto-immune sickness as Mate Gabor talked about for 30 minutes.
It is as if we are interpreting his words in two separate ways.
Your ways is self blame and toxic shame way.
While Mate Gabor - is clearly and repeatedly talking about self validation and self acceptance. And Self understanding that when we are in contact with toxic people and parasites and predators that our early trauma experiences will be activated - and that our job is not to hate ourselves or hate our reactions but to see them as remnants of the past trauma - just to validate them as such - so that we stop self abusing and self shaming ourselves. And then to make decisions as rational adult - not from the place of panic, as a scared child would.
If you believe that you can magically set boundaries with evil people - you are child, you have child response to adult world.
Evil people are evil - there is no way that we can control them or stop them being evil.
Evil people choose to be evil because they have abnormal brain and because we live on toxic sick planet which is worshipping evil people because they appear with glib charm and super confident and appear as if they can resolve tough problems, which they don't.
Evil people are problem, not our coping mechanisms nor our persona. We do not need to set any boundaries - if the system allows abnormal sick people to become presidents of countries - we cannot set any kind of boundaries- we are placing so much burden our ourselves with such toxic CBT belief and trauma and unrealistic expectations - that we can police toxic people.
We can't.
The best we can do is cut contact with them.
HAving walls with them - will keep evil people to be our neighbors.
Supporting initiatives to declare narcissism sickness as pedophilia is another way to "set boundaries".
We as individuals are helpless against serial killers and abnormal criminally insane sick monsters.
CBT idea that we become assertive to them will end as Femicide and us getting seriously hurt and traumatized by evil people.
Ableist CBT will lead us to end up with mental illness:
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"The first statement is completely untrue. There is no causational link"
I think he meant in general terms, not in strict clinical definitions of psychopathy or narcissism (NPD).
He was talking more about psychopathic traits and narcissistic traits that may not necessarily be abnormality in the brain as seen in those two disorder abnormalities.
Which is actually interesting from trauma perspective.
We will tend to split reality. BPD splitting.
We will tend to label lack of empathy to evil people as being evil.
We will tend to label ability to vocalize our opinion as being arrogant and hence evil.
That is common trauma response - this hypercognition where we quickly and automatically place unfair, untrue labels and stigma on healthy and normal parts which help us keep virus from harming us and then we end up stuck in codependency -
because we get convinced that if we speak up to toxic person that this will make us "psychopath" or "narcissistic".
I believe that is toxic shame, which John Bradshaw failed to explain in detail in his book and toxic society which ignores information about toxic shame - so we have no idea that we have it and that it runs our decisions making processes. Which Mate Gabor said in this video - that when we are unconscious of something - that will lead our decisions in life.
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"there need to be many more studies and research done into these conditions"
I totally agree with this statement.
However
we are human being with limited time on this planet..
We realistically cannot wait for 150 years for complete detailed study to be done.
We really need to work with what we got and actually not be scared of making mistakes and not being scared of being imperfect.
Perfectionism is trauma itself.
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"not because it is true. It is not true at all."
But what is truth?
Who is the keeper of the truth?
Who defines what is true?
Philosophy tries to answer this question for 2000 years and the greatest discovery in philosophy - is that there is no absolute truth.
"In epistemology, the Münchhausen trilemma is a thought experiment intended to demonstrate the theoretical impossibility of proving any truth, even in the fields of logic and mathematics, without appealing to accepted assumptions. Wikipedia"
When you try to enforce your truth - that is tyranny. You are trying to manipulate and control other people. That is psychopathy.
This is what Gabor Mate is talking for 2 hours - but it seems to me that nobody actually understood what he was talking about.
We need to be vulnerable to hear the truth, to hear the other side - which appears as untrue to us.
This is connected with trauma -
our wounded parts are holding the truth which appears real and true to it, yet the world denies it and minimizes it so we overcompensate through fawning or fighting or flight or freeze as response in not being heard, not being seen, not being mirrored, not being validated. Because the world does not see our truth and tries to impose its own societal norms, groupthink and herd mentality over our own experiences and personal issues which the world does not have.
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Traumatized people do not know what is true self.
They only have coping mechanisms that helped them to survive the torture.
When you tell the concept of true self- they translate it into toxic shame and perfectionism and Disneyland fantasy of not having problems in life and having money.
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You can't say no to narcissist. Because:
They live in delusion and have mild form of schizophrenia, they do not live in the same dimension as we do, as Vaknin said - they are no longer with us.
it is like talking to a wall
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(15.10.2023)
" but they can learn to find the higher self, uncover it."
That is true -
but it is crucial to realize that "Self" until that moment is fake, rigid, that it is coping mechanism and that we are rejecting ourselves and cannot accept ourselves because we hate anything that might be inside us..
If we do not grasp this concept, we will never be able to heal and we will tent to "uncover" as you say a fake mask, a fake self - and then end up with narcissism and become abusers ourselves that pass the toxic shame and trauma onto the next generation, like a generational curse.
True self is compassion for ourselves and accepting our coping mechanisms and fake Self as improvised tool that helped us survive the abuse and trauma.
If we are not aware of this, we will constantly reject silently ourselves and have inner war inside us and toxic shame for not being perfect.
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" I was able to overcome that uncomfortable feeling by noticing the physical symptoms and paying attention to them."
It matters a lot.
Because - if you were able to remove your "social anxiety" - it was because you never had true social anxiety. You had shyness. Shyness is cured with exposure.
Social anxiety is not.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma - and it is deep seated toxic shame and inability to accept the trauma as part of life, inability to accept evil people as fact of life - and it is constant rejection of oneself. So exposure to toxic people will not help fears and panic to go away - due to deep seated self hatred which is covered up and hard to recognize.
Socially anxious person is noticing and paying attention to physical symptoms of panic - but there is quick and automatic association with self hatred when these panic happens, there is deep sense of being a failure for feeling this panic, and deep core sense of doom and catastrophe for feeling the panic - all of which a shy person does not have - so you can quickly dismiss panic away.
Socially anxious person is stuck with Operand Conditioning,, a hypnosis, a programming of inner critic and toxic shame that gets triggered with people and situations similar to the original abuse.
Shy person does not have that.
The problem is when you and shy people like you who were convinced that you had "social anxiety" and you spread the message that you "got rid of social anxiety with exposure" - you are spreading false and wrong and psychologically detrimental message to anyone with real social anxiety -
since traumatized person will get re-traumatized over and over again with exposure, creating new wounds with each exposure -
which shy person does not experience at all.
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" Flow states or just feeling better in your body can really help naturally create more fun/ playful experiences"
I would be careful with this.
We can always handle trauma and anxiety and panic and anything unpleasant in life through Dissociation and Denial.
Dissociation leads to mental illness.
Denial is dysfunctional coping mechanism.
They are dysfunctional tools because we don't learn from life -
when something unpleasant happens - we will tend to run away, it is flight or freeze trauma response. That way - other people can exploit us easily, we are easy prey for predators and evil people will take advantage of us over and over again.
Think of as if your body decides to ignore viruses and bad bacteria just because fever is unpleasant and time consuming.
The problem is external factor - virus will not stop with entrance. It will wreck havoc inside our body and damage us from the inside.
The same applies to narcissists, predators, psychopaths - who are causing us not to feel "fun" as you label it.
Then if we decide to ignore the abuse - we will end up with codependency and being stuck in toxic ambient - without inner alarms that would propel us to make plans to leave or set some kind of boundaries such as cutting contact with toxic people or minimizing contact with them.
Think of living near Chernobyl. When radiation disaster occurred - everyone had to evacuate. IT would be really bad idea to deny the reality and pretend that toxic radiation will not harm you and that you pretend to have "fun" and "playful experiences" while being bathed in toxic radiation.
When we deny the reality and pretend we must have fun - that is living in a delusion, it is mental illness.
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"doesn't know how to talk is one thing and not being able to talk is another."
And being coerced and conditioned not to talk or make protest to abusive hysterical person is a third thing - related to social anxiety trauma.
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(16.10.2023)
"Inner peace the most important"
These statements are damaging.
They appear as helpful, but they do damage.
Please allow me to explain.
When we place tyranny of shoulds - for example that we should always feel calm and happy and serenity - we are having good intentions. But good intentions are road to hell.
Because
1) bad things will happen no matter how good we feel. If we equate our worth with external events and how we react to them - then this is called emotional fusion. We will end up dependent on external events and codependent on other people to feel good about ourselves.
2) we need certain level of stress. There is toxic stress but there is also healthy amount of stress.
If we place ourselves into isolation and away from anything that is stressful - we won't become calm at all. We will become extremely hypervigilant and hypersensitive. And now everything will bother us - and we will end up with agoraphobia and extreme Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - since we place our serenity on pedestal to worship.
Think of early societies in human history. Those who never experienced war and attack never invested time or money of focus into fights - and they were easily conquered and enslaved by predator nations and parasites.
The same applies with our body.
If a child is put in sterile, calm environment - it will develop allergies later on because the body never experienced dirt or bacteria or virus to fight. Then the body starts to attack itself.
What you want to speak here is Ventral Vagal state in Polyvagal Theory.
If we see image of it on google images - we can see that most iconographic show it as a wave that borders with hypervigilance.
It is wavy border. It is not rigid.
Sometimes we will not feel calm and that is okay, too.
That is why Mate Gabor is speaking in his videos, it last for 2 hours but what I see is that his message is not coming through, people do not hear him.
I guess that is complex concept to grasp for many people:
that it is our reactions that are causing problems and toxic stress, not ambient which is not calm.
We place quick rigid orders and commands upon ourselves, which are unrealistic - and then we feel shame and guilt and blame for not achieving those imaginary fantasy goalposts of being "calm".
The same thing applies about being "confident", too.
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Creating fake persona leads to narcissism and psychopathy, sociopathy.
Rejecting our wounded parts leads to mental illness.
Self help industry is making money and parasiting on traumatized victims of narcissistic abuse - and self help industry is ran by psychopaths and narcissists who are teaching you how to become codependent on toxic people for guidance instead of trusting your own brain and body and persona.
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You mix up shyness and social anxiety.
True socially anxious person will not wear hat nor hoodie for the fear of mocking and criticism of other intrusive people who don't mind their own business but comment what other people wear.
IF you convince yourself with misdiagnosis - you will make yourself sick and then you will spread false message to other people with real social anxiety such as that Exposure works for social anxiety.
Self help industry does not help - because it is written for profit, not for actual help.
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"My social anxiety goes through the roof when doing solo social activities sometimes. "
How does that work?
Social anxiety is social+anxiety. There is anxiety which is connected with the social factor.
How exactly you then get social anxiety when you are alone?
You worry? Ruminate? Think of past incidents?
If not, you are probably misdiagnosing yourself and you weaponize psychiatry with hyper-cognition, mislabeling anything that moves in order to attack it and ashame it with diagnosis and bias and quick judgments to make sense of hurt.
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CBT does not address Situational Attribution (lack of money, toxic job we cannot quit).
CBT only sees Dispositional attribution - where our emotions are in the only focus, as if our emotions pop up on their own, as if we walk in the street and social anxiety randomly drops out of nothing.
CBT ought to be banned. IT is doing so much psychological damage.
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YT "Social Anxiety #anxiety #mentalhealth #mentalillness #socialanxiety
"
"Fear of being scrutinized"
This is CBT false definition - which was based on Researcher Bias in mid 1990s when corrupt medical industry unintentionally invited narcissists struggling with narc injury and those who are shy - to be tested for social anxiety.
Truly socially anxious person would never go to be examined and scrutinized, as you even mention it here.
In reality social anxiety is also fear of EXPRESSING OUR OWN scrutiny to others.
CBT does not mention this and hence it is hypnotizing us into victim mentality. Because CBT is therapy for criminally insane - like Ludovico Method in Clockwork Orange (1971), not for socially anxious.
"Making mistakes in front of others"
Is because of others. Others who are narcissistic and psychopathic.
It is called social + anxiety where anxiety stems from the toxic social ambient. It is not called self anxiety.
We are not having anxiety when 1-on-1 or online commenting when the other person cannot harm us and we can block them forever with click of a button.
Narcissistic abuse is causing social anxiety, not our reactions to it.
"Seeing yourself in distorted, broken"
That is Complex Trauma caused by narcissistic abuse exposure ACE and ACoA in childhood.
Trauma needs to be healed which means accepted and understood - not ashamed nor pathologized.
"All you see is your deficit and failures"
IT is other people who are intrusive, toxic and narcissistic who are seeing deficits and failures in others.
You miss the other part of social anxiety: fear of criticism, you ignored that part because you have distortions of your own (hypercognition, anchor bias, availability heuristics, confirmation bias, survivalship bias).
"Push back, removing"
This leads to more anxiety.
Ironic process theory / The Pink Elephant Paradox
trying to suppress a thought is likely to make it more intrusive.
CBT is highly damaging neurotypical therapy filled with ableism, pathologizing and toxic shaming and it must be banned and replaced with Humanistic Therapy.
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Social anxiety is not diagnosis. SAD is.
Participating in things will not cure social anxiety - social anxiety trauma will become masked and functional yet still devastating.
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YT "3 Effective Ways to Conquer Social Anxiety #shorts #socialanxiety
"
None of these 3 tips help with social anxiety.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma and being exposed to narcissistic abuse and tyrants.
So facing fears lead to trauma.
Socially anxious are already focused on others due to abuse.
Socially anxious people already have superior social skills of empathy which 80 percent of people do not have.
Social anxiety is after-effect of ACoA and ACE where we are operantly conditioned to attract and fix toxic people, this is hypnosis and it cannot be broken with logic but with healing trauma.
Plus if we live in toxic shame culture society there are no "safe" people - but everyone is intrusive.
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YT "Social Anxiety? Understand This! #shadowwork #nonduality #awakening
"
Social anxiety is triggered by toxic people, narcissists and predators.
Therefore, hearing evil people better will traumatize us.
Evil people do not have Evil written on their forehead. Instead they will appear as friends, safe, help, advice - mixed with criticism and shaming and taking advantage of us cleverly packaged as blame of our flaws and imperfections.
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YT "Overcoming social anxiety
"
Load of nonsense and weaponized psychiatry and pathologizing.
Social anxiety stems from trauma. Flipping it off will not work and such "advice" is ignorance of abuse and coercive control and rationalizing narcissists, predators and criminally insane monsters in authority all of which is causing social anxiety.
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YT "How to beat social anxiety? 😱
"
1. Exposure will only work with shyness.
Social anxiety is trauma of being exposed to abuse.
Think of it like being stuck in toxic job with mobbing and abuse 24/7 from boss, colleague and customers without exit due to finances.
So any exposure to toxic job will lead to re-traumatization. Not to de-sensitization.
Check out movie/book called Clockwork Orange where hooligan is treated with de-sensitization - and he ended up with being a people pleaser - because he was so de-sensitized that he did not feel urge to protect himself from unfair treatment.
2. People with social anxiety already do have superior social skills: empathy which 80% of people do not have.
What you call as "social skills" is neurotypical mindset of conformism, groupthink and herd mentality and narcissism which leads to Nazi and Fascist being in power because you have this pathological urge to belong to someone who appears as "cool" and "accepted" by majority.
3. Replacing negative thoughts leads to OCD and mental illness and more of negative thoughts.
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"Transforming Negative Core Beliefs & Improving Self Worth
"
My negative beliefs ran rampant - I cannot catch them and hence I cannot put them in garbage bag.
And/Or they do not stay in garbage, and/or they return back from the garbage.
It is like an insect infestation haha.
In 2015 I discovered them - until then I did not know why I get random social anxiety triggers and through going all books I have read - I zeroed into the cause of anxiety: intrusive thoughts - which I learned then that they are called Pure OCD. So learning more about Pure OCD,
I learned that nitpicking them will lead to more of anxiety (Mark Freeman videos about PureOCD, intrusive thoughts).
. Ironic process theory / The Pink Elephant Paradox:
trying to suppress a thought is likely to make it more intrusive
I followed Mark Freeman's advice how to "Put intrusive thoughts into garbage" - and it actually did work... until I was abused at the work. I was in temporary job position where I had been yelled and screamed at for not performing perfectly.
Then like a domino effect - I started to notice toxic people and unfavorable power dynamics (which at the time I did not they are called unfavorable power dynamics):
it is being in slave position where we are abused by toxic people in some kind of authority over us - and we cannot defend ourselves because it would mean we'd get fired - and for someone who struggles with social anxiety getting fired means not having means to support yourself financially due to inability to find another job - especially if I live in toxic country with low employment options and toxic people with shame culture who communicate with each other through invalidation and abuse.
I did find your previous videos helpful. About rejected parts:
I think I personally will need to dwell into those parts and accepting myself - in situations when I am abused and embarrassed and when person in authority is abusing me - then I definitely have a lot of self rejection, and parts of myself that I reject. Which is actually creating and pumping out intrusive thoughts.
I would see in my case that Pure OCD intrusive thoughts are reaction to self abuse and self rejection - and intrusive thoughts might vanish if I learn how to integrate my rejected parts and idea to reject myself that I learned in ACoA ACE ambient.
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YT "Taming Your Inner Bully: Healing Complex Trauma With IFS Therapy
"
I totally resonate with rejected parts concept.
In my case - I have social anxiety issues - and rejected parts are in the physical forms of other people: toxic people who are intrusive, criticizing, angry, and I do not know how to handle them - when I cannot cut contact with them, so I get stuck with them. And any interaction with such people/parts -
It appears as if danger is occurring. And I enter into survival mode, defense mode, and severe appeasing people pleasing fawning mode - while these options are totally outside of my awareness:
compassion, gentleness and relationship building.
Also self leadership concept is something I totally abandoned in myself and I never build that part of myself. I literally remember when I was 22 and when I had issues with social anxiety for number of years - and at that age I decided to be passive since life appeared unmanageable to me and I believed I am incompetent to live life, that I have no competency for life. And any interaction with difficult people in some kind of authority over me - simply confirmed that core belief.
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YT "The Childhood Trauma Iceberg: Healing Complex Trauma With IFS Therapy
"
So Adult part and Self -leadership is, as I understand it, a serene self that is not dysregulated - yet it is not dysregulated not because of dissociation or denial - but because it is firm in knowing that it is adult... That other people cannot harm and hurt us - even when toxic people do (try to) hurt us and harm us with slander, being intrusive, them being manipulative, controlling and abusive.
It is like being present with hysterical and evil person who embarrass us in private or in public - and we do not identify ourselves with little kid that was attacked as child anymore. And instead that we identify ourselves as grown person who is experiencing toxic person being hysterical, vulgar and antagonistic and - that their aggressive stance has nothing to do with our identity at all, their misery and pathetic behavior is not our responsibility -
and I am talking about when we really did nothing wrong to harm other person who is angry at us. When we are in contact with narcissistic sociopathic people who shame and blame others and falsely accuse them of wrong.
That makes sense.
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I feel like I cannot step into this adult self. At least at this moment.
I feel like crab climbing out of pot and other crabs pulling me down...
But at least I know now that I am trying to get out. This makes sense when I feel triggered and dysregulated - that I no longer go along with automatic and quick fusion thoughts of being embarrassed and attacked from others as proof of me being stupid and unworthy into knowing I am adult now and not being defined by emotions, hysteria and actions of other people who are unfair and unjust and behaving like toddlers.
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" I also have gone no contact with those who act similar to my father."
For me this part is extremely confusing.
Because without knowing it is trauma and abuse - anyone who struggles with trauma and abuse will conclude that the issue is related to social anxiety.
And social anxiety is explained by official medical system as a mere shyness, as a hallucination and that danger or abusive people do not exist but only in our own explanations - and that avoiding people leads to mental illness and isolation.
That explanation enforced my fawn response -
I was afraid of cutting abusive people out because I was scared that I will create mental illness by being isolated and alone - because this is how social anxiety is explained.
And then I ended up with self censoring myself, creating false persona to adjust to evil people, developed toxic shame as reaction to their constant nitpicking and criticism which was unfair and intrusive.
It was only last year that I learned that I can actually block people on Twitter.
Before that I was convinced that I must be friends with anyone, even people who attack me for no reason - and that it is my job to be assertive with such people and talk them into being friends - which of course does not work with predators, narcissists, psychopaths and trolls of all sorts who love antagonism and putting other people down just for sadism.
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(17.10.2023)
"sometimes its appropriate to be more one way than the other."
This is central problem with trauma.
We end up thinking and end up being convinced with false beliefs:
- that setting boundaries is being cruel and psychopathic and narcissistic.
- We believe if we express our opinion that we are arrogant and rude.
- if we reject toxic people that this makes us toxic and abnormal.
This way inner critic is using dualism or double binding to keep us in trauma and codependent and filled with insecurity and doubts.
Being psychopath or narcissist is being serial killer. We are not anti-social, we are not evil.
Things we do to protect our mental health and sanity is not neither narcissistic nor psychopathic.
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"Is being too agreeable the same as people pleaser?"
This is common question.
Agreeableness is Big 5 personality trait . it is not sickness nor abnormality.
And in toxic ambient - we will be punished if we do not people please toxic people, as you commented.
Negative Politeness is at the core of what people say as people pleasing.
Negative politeness is when we shut up and self censor ourselves in order not to harm other people's feelings even when they are rude and intrusive and aggressive to us. This way we enable their abuse to continue.
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"When ADHD Triggers Emotional Outbursts: Part Two (with Sharon Saline, Psy.D.)
"
"Emotional stress can trigger amygdala to automatically respond before your frontal lobes can provide logical reasoning."
Problem starts when issues of stress are not being solvable by logic and prefrontal cortex. So even when we are calmed down and relaxed - our logic cannot resolve real life issues - and this inability to solve problems keep us traumatized and triggered and in the state of dysregulation.
ABC format is not useful - because it denies our ability to solve issues by rejecting wounded parts of ourselves which are panicked, and instead it enables the abuse to continue - because we with ABC we simply label abuser as our guide and someone to stabilize us since they are not stressed and with ABC format our panic is labeled as hallucination or we get instruction from ABC to be assertive with abusers - which leads to endless arguments where abuser is not dedicated to solution but instead to drama and hysteria.
As Dr Saline says:
When you tell someone to calm down – there's a Power Dynamic that's implied. “I, partner, am calm and have everything under control, and you, someone with ADHD are whacked”. That will not bode well for productive conversation.
🟥Sharon Saline, PsyD
"Social anxiety is related to core belief I am not good enough"
Yes.
RSD is the same as true social anxiety (CBT wrongly depicts social anxiety as a mere shyness), RSD and social anxiety are Emotional Dysregulation, and they are all Complex Trauma and Quiet BPD. And they all stem from exposure to narcissistic abuse while growing up - where we never developed our identity. Now our identity is connected with other people who apper calm and collected (on the surface) so we believe we must serve and obey and align ourselves to "strong" people - and this ends up as codependency and narcissistic abuse - because we will be attracted to serve and obey psychopaths and narcissists who walk around with fake mask on, fake mask of "strength" and "confidence".
Since they do have fake mask - they neither have strength nor confidence - and soon enough relationships and contacts with such fake people ends up as stress. Because they lack empathy and have hidden agenda of greed and taking advantage of others like parasites and predators, and fake people have sadism of enjoying harming other people and see other people in pain as a way they regulate their own panic issues and unhealed trauma inside of them.
We will be attracted to toxic people who will trigger emotional dysregulation in us - through their criticism, nitpicking, blame, shame - where our imperfections and errors are represented as catastrophe all the time and our high moral and ethical standards are used against ourselves - since we try not to harm or hurt others. This way toxic people can enslave us and control us and manipulate us with keeping us in the state of constant dysregulation.
All the toxic person needs to do is to notice our mistakes and everyday normal human errors and nitpick them. And toxic shame spiral will be activated.
Through discipline and as toxic people represent this verbal abuse as "help" and "service" and "teaching" and "correcting" - where we are depicted as poor incompetent idiots who cannot handle life and who make mistakes all the time - while in the same time toxic people are perfect and super confident and competent without any flaws and errors.
And if we notice toxic people's errors - we will met punishment and they will do anything accustomed to our personality to keep us censored. Most commonly we will be told we are "too sensitive" - in order to doubt our own judgment and common sense.
How to handle this -
it is only through IFS.
When we get specific instructions - it won't work in real life.
If we learn about Radical Acceptance and forgiving ourselves - it won't work with toxic people when they blame us for our real totally normal human mistakes and everyday small errors at home or at work or in public - who will label it as fatalism.
Problem lies in our identity - due to trauma - we never developed our true identity - and instead we split parts of ourselves as we were being told by untreated mentally ill people in childhood and adulthood.
For example - if we feel RSD - we are being explained that there is perceived rejection.
Nope. The rejection is real.
If we reject ourselves - we are destroying our self worth and our ego our core self identity.
If we believe that we cannot trust our perceptions - we will reject our Self.
If we believe in narcissistic lies that we are "too sensitive" - we are rejecting our core Self.
We are not too sensitive. Due to exposure to abuse - we have super power in recognizing toxic people and fake people and their fake masks extremely fast and quick and easily - that is not over-sensitivity. That is ability to detect toxic people immediately, as evil thoughts occur in infancy phase in their evil brains.
All people have cognitive distortions which are nothing else but Confirmation Bias, Availability Heuristics - jumping to quick conclusions - because due to real life and obligations and duties - we do not have enough time to become Sherlock Holms or scientist in lab who have free time to discern what is true reality and real truth. So we will tend to make wrong decisions based on lack of time to think through what is happening around us.
Plus, idea that we must be perfect and without mistakes is Perfectionism - and it is mental illness. When we end up with idea that we are tainted and contaminated because of errors and mistakes - that is OCD.
When we are dysregulated - we really need to wait it out, like a summer storm - to pass.
CBT will force us to nitpick our thoughts and analyze them which leads to Ironic processing theory - more of intrusive thoughts.
The idea that we must calm down and pause and destroy our dysregulation - will invalidate our rejected parts.
Because we are telling our wounded inner child that their struggles are stupid and worthless and idiotic and time wasting. That is extreme self shaming, it is total rejection of Self.
When something triggers us - it is connected to unresolved trauma from the past and we never actually learned to be adult to ourselves. And now we are hooked and stuck with other people's moods in order to feel accepted and validated. When other people are rude - we hence be feeling rejected - since our identity is fused with other people and their emotions and moods.
All this happens because we do not have identity. We do not believe we are competent adults - and instead we depend on angry and moody and toxic people to define us and tell us what is correct and how to discipline ourselves into perfection which is explained by toxic people who dysregulate us.
Our dysregulation and RSD and social anxiety and trauma needs to be validated as valid, as true. Second step is to learn about rejected parts - which means we come to our senses to know we are not being ourselves when we are dysregulated. Instead we are acting on our trauma and rejected child from the past who experienced abuse and unfair treatment that never was resolved.
It is important to realize as adults - we have a large part of our brain which is adult - which we call as prefrontal cortex. It is there. We have solutions and resolutions to problems and issues - it is inside us. With trauma - we do not trust it.
We do not have identity - and instead with unresolved trauma we depend and codependent on toxic people to tell us what to do and how to resolve issues in life.
With ADHD and social anxiety and RSD - we are molded as kids into not trusting our own common sense:
"Average child with ADHD hears 20,000 additional critical or corrective messages before their 12th birthday. That can have significant impact on self-image and self-worth. They have feeling they're profoundly defective, incompetent."
YT William Dodson
Anyone with dysregulation issues - I would direct into discovery of our own identity and knowing that with trauma and RSD we never build our persona, identity - and instead we have make-shift personality based on coping mechanisms and trauma responses and trauma reactions and defense mechanisms to keep us safe from feeling the original trauma pain.
Without our true identity - anyone who is rude, aggressive and intrusive - will make us to define ourselves our Self through with their explained errors and flaws about us. We will believe we are contaminated when someone is rude and aggressive. We will automatically believe that we are not worthy nor competent if someone is angry and moody and hurtful, and we will believe that we do not have inner ideas and innovations how to handle problems and issued at hand.
We got to realize that dysregulation itself - is a sign that we have capacity to find solutions and that we have inner Self identity - which is making us dysregulated in the first place - it means we are not dead inside, we are not numb even if we react in freeze response to triggers.
Our panic, anxiety, dysregulation - are all messengers and messages, alarm system, warning - which is trying to communicate with us.
Similar to the antiwar movie from 1972 called "Johnny Got His Gun" where severed soldier who is blind and deaf and mute without limbs - is trying to communicate with doctors with spasms. He is trying to send SOS message through Morse Code by spasms - which doctors interpret as nervous system error and medicating him.
That is our dysregulation - our limbless mute and deaf and blind part inside us is trying to tell us the message - and idea to calm down is really bad idea here. Spams we have are SOS code and attempt for our True identity Self to communicate with us,
The other analogy is referendum in Australia where indigenous people attempted to enter into Constitution but most white racist folks banned it and "calmed it" down. Australia and USA belong to indigenous people who were there before, not only to toxic corporations and Trumps right wing scum which try to control and manipulate everyone because they are evil and mentally ill psychopaths and narcissists in power - because toxic society regards aggressive sociopathic monsters as "competent" and "strong".
As Dr Saline said, "We are perfect imperfect humans", "We are doing the best we can with tools we have available at that moment".
IFS is tool which will help us with trauma.
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It is important that we don't get mad at ourselves for having Negative politeness.
We developed it in order to survive.
Without it - we would be homeless, without income, without shelter, without security, without calmness.
When we develop Negative Politeness - it is because there are toxic people, evil people, psychopaths and narcissists who are sadist and who enjoy harming other people in order to regulate their sick brains,
and we live on toxic planet - where toxic people are worshipped as "competent" and "strong" - simply because they lack empathy and ability to pause before taking action - so they appear as "better" to people with low IQ and hence are more popular than people who try not to cause pain and hurt to others.
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Dietrich is filled with denial and suppression and dissociation.
He avoids trauma , talking about trauma, feeling the trauma - and he supports fantasy ideas about love and Rationalizations and Intellectualizations filled with tyranny of shoulds.
Gabor Mate on the other hand is talking about IFS - and that is direct way how to handle trauma. Trauma does not work well with Dietrich mindset of having politically correct judgments and self abusive ideas to change our judgements nor about being perfect and desire to be person who must love all people on this planet in order to be validated.
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YT "Gabor Maté +: Diederik Exploring the Depths of Identity and Pain #gabor #healing #addiction #trauma
"
It is very confusing when Dietrich says that our Self cannot be abused.
IT can.
What he tries to tell is about having authentic Self - when something traumatic happens - we will eventually heal and we will eventually die and our body will no longer need money or food and our soul will be safe. But right now - when we need to pay rent and when it is important that we are not homeless and out in the cold - it is really crappy advice to tell us about our transcendent soul - since this information does not help at all, and in fact it adds to unfair injustice that we experience with trauma.
On the other hand Mate Gabor is talking about IFS.
IFS is about total validation about who we are and what we think and feel.
Extreme example is : if we believe we are Martians, then ask ourselves why we are not green in skin. IT is about total validation.
Dietrich was alcoholic and he was neglectful father. That is why he relies on tyranny of shoulds and self abuse.
Everyone else - most of people - we are not anti-social. We are not serial killers. We are not monsters. In fact - we are agreeable and empathic and we have high moral and ethical standards which cause us trauma and pain since we try to be perfect and not harm abusive people and their feelings - so we end up being last in life. IFS teaches us to stop self abuse, to stop adding up more political correctness and to stop magical thinking about loving everyone - since we dedicated our whole life in understanding abusive people and minding their anger mood swings and fixing them. IFS tells us to accept and validate ourselves and not add any more rules and obligations as Dietrich tell us that we must love all people - since we are flooded with them.
He must love all people - since he was anti-social monster all his life.
Everyone else who is not neither narcissistic nor psychopathic - really need to trust own gut and start to believe own voices to cut contact with toxic and abusive people and really allow ourselves not to love them anymore at all to the point that we do not care anything about them at all.
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(18.10.2023)
YT "How To Deal With A Workplace Bully: Black Women & Toxic Jobs #blackwoman #workplacebullying
"
Schemers are hard to recognize. They stab us in the back. They gossip and spread slander - and people who believe them attack us based on their lies. And we are convinced that those antagonistic people are problem - while schemer is scheming in the background, out of the spotlight. For me it took 10+ years to realize that it was certain person who was gossiping me when I was on summer vacation - while they drank coffee in the morning and during the day. For 10 years I had no idea - since I am not schemer myself and I do not gossip others or plan how to harm them with hidden agenda - so it never occurred to me that there are people who actually do that - because I was egocentric and seeing other people through the prism of my own soul - that people are not evil and cannot be evil and cause pain to innocent people without any reason.
Another important issue -
as it is said in the video, 14:44
when we are deeply affected by bullying, in psychological way, it is due to trauma that is unresolved inside us. What happens is that our original wound is triggered by bullies - and that is the reason why it hurts so much and why we feel worry and rumination and being stuck and confused - it is all due to trauma (ACoA and ACE while growing up - where we grew up in environment of bullying at home and in toxic shame ambient that we were exposed to).
Due to trauma we will feel panic and anxiety and we will be unable to stand up for ourselves. This is not because we are weak, stupid or unworthy or incompetent - it is due to trauma.
If you have issues like that - check out quotes by Richard C. Schwartz.
Schemers and screamers are supported by others - because psychopaths have glib charm and they break rules - which toxic society, (most of people), perceive as sexy, "strong" and desirable and competent. So they will have support from most of people - also due to fear of being bullied themselves. Bullies are like cancer in the body - it spreads and destroy healthy tissue.
Bullying is the fault in the system - the system where the authority and organization in charge does not care about inner strength - and it is only focused on profit over dead bodies. So bullies are symptom of much more serious problem.
Healthy system would have inner mechanisms how to handle bullies.
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YT "JWaller on fear of fighting #mindset #shorts
"
Fusing fear with courage is mental illness.
When we listen to people like him:
1) we will start to feel bad when something bad happens to us. We will equate events with our self worth. This will end up as borderline personality disorder, severe mental illness filles with panic, rage and depression
2) we will depend on other people to feel good and if they choose to be negative, we will feel negative -
so other people will control and manipulate us, how we feel and consequently our decisions in life.
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YT "Doing what is right is worth the confrontation!
"
Problem starts when egocentric person believes that his beliefs are correct. Being self righteous.
Narcissists will believe that they are saviors of the world and other people are objects. Does that make them overlords who we must obey and allow them to be abusive?
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1. No one is forcing anyone
2. Trauma is ludicrous and we live on ludicrous planet and people are ludicrous
3. This is Humanistic psychology - and it helped me personally in the contrast after trying out ableist CBT for 20 years
4. Mental illness is inability to accept reality - and IFS is based on reality and accepting reality
5. Mental illness is not weapon you use against ideology and politics. Martha Mitchel Effect-
6. New Age BS? Your comment is proof that IFS works - since you are verbalizing/emboding rejected parts, exiles and protector mechanisms described in IFS.
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Well, it is totally normal when we hear some unknown concept for the first time that it will not be clear to us.
This urge to be perfect and to know everything for the first 4 seconds of doing something new is trauma itself, handed over through narcissistic abuse ACoA and ACE in childhood.
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Do you really realistically think that super Complex PTSD which is puzzling to the greatest minds in humanity and human history - will have super easy explanation and resolution?
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"After reading your Book, I thought it was a good idea to try to see if I had parts to meet. It was the worst thing I’ve ever done. This is dangerous."
You are correct.
If you are serial killer, abuser, psychopath and evil person - that will come out.
For all the rest, those who are normal healthy, friendly, open, empathic and sane - IFS will help.
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Shadow work does not cover trauma parts. Only repression and denial and dissociations.
Trauma is much complex than that - some people do not repress trauma in traditional sense - and hence still suffer from it. So shadow work will not help for people who have higher IQ, higher moral and ethical standards due to its own complex system of thinking. IFS helps with that complex part.
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You are intellectualizing it too much.
Trauma stems from toxic people and unfair unjust system and toxic society which worships psychopaths.
Our Self is important - but it is not so important to place it on pedestal disconnected from toxic society and toxic ambient,
IFS is accepting and loving and validating ourselves - but doing so we automatically connect with others and see problem and sickness in others.
IFS is not narcissism and me me me, I I I, Self self self.
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Other modalities do not explain how to do the release - because any instruction, guidance and order is toxic shame and control and manipulation.
The actual action has to come from our own on our own accord - that IFS described as Self leadership.
That is why other modalities do not work - because therapy nor therapist cannot walk for us. They cannot make money for us. They can't go to court sessions for us when we experience abuse and bullying. They cannot have sex for us. They cannot go to parties and organizing parties for us, Therapy cannot choose music or drinks or organize weddings for us. Therapy cannot tell us what sexually gender arouses us and therapy cannot be Sherlock Holmes FBI for us to detect narcissists and uncover predators and learn red flags for us
- actual life is on us.
Therapy can only give us general direction without blame or discipline - and IFS, humanistic psychology - is the only one that can do that.
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Inability to be patient is trauma itself.
Urge for greed and immediate gratification is trauma itself - we learned that in ACoA ACE toxic ambient.
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@CenterForRespect That is great.
Let me give example from real life.
There is you tube channel by Mark Freeman, a book publisher from Canada about intrusive thoughts.
He made series of helpful PureOCD videos in 2015 - and he has a model of combating intrusive worry and rumination by accepting it and shifting focus on well being.
All nice,
but there is one serious issue -
he is extremely rude person and cannot accept any kind of feedback.
So what happens is very dangerous -
he is using his methods of combating intrusive thoughts - as a way to protect his narcissism and psychopathy and sociopathy.
He simply is rude person - and he denies any reflection or information about his true character - by techniques and modalities which actually should serve anyone being abused by people like him.
I would be careful how we see reality -
if we are unable to hear see and feel reality - we will end up with mental illness.
We need feedback.
Sometimes what we believe is right - is wrong and we need to have scientific, fair, neutral evaluation what is correct in life.
Our hunch will not cut it.
Self righteousness is path to narcissism and psychopathy.
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"Have you ever tried combining IFS with Byron Katie's " The Work" using the 4 questions with all your Parts
"
Nice tip,
but I would leave this Disclaimer:
IFS is about Self leadership. It means that we do not depend on other people's modalities and instructions.
Byron Katie is amazing and great author, I think I even made video quotes by her -
but what helped her is very individual and specific to her background, country where she lives etc
Many people were not born with silver spoon or certain gender or certain skin color which would allow them to have advantages in life which such person has by simply being born and having certain legacy birth privileges.
IFS is more about realizing that we collect data, that we do learn about Byron Katie - and anyone else -but it really comes down to trust our Self and our ideas and our innovations which are custom made to our history, our country where we live, our experiences which we had. IFS is not about trying out - it is about making mistakes and errors and learning from them as our inner voice and gut tells us to experiment and be curious about.
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" how to switch to another part."
Why would you do that?
IFS is not about endless self analyzing.
IFS is about self leadership - that we start to be active in life.
If we have panic issues and if we are passive - that parts are problem and they need analysis - since they block us.
IFS is not about endless egocentric self involvement while life and people pass us by.
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High anxiety could happen due to neurodivergent brain - trying to process stimuli - which toxic society labels as worry and sickness and abnormality.
IFS tells us that instead of looking as high anxiety as something to destroy, remove and hide away - that we listen to its message.
So -
is anxiety HSP?
Are we processing reality in deeper manner? So it is normal function.
Is anxiety triggered by toxic people around us?
Do we have money? Is anxiety result of not having shelter, food?
Is anxiety due to quiet BPD where we stifle down issues and pretend we are okay while we are in dysregulation.
The question is why you never investigated your anxiety, you never been curious about it - so you never read and educated yourself about psychology or asked for help from therapy - but you ask here in comment section instead.
IFS is encouraging us to be curious - to ask ourselves these kind of questions and to learn like in a modern school where we are encouraged to seek answers.
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(19.10.2023)
" Is it truly your own experience?"
This question works in LA and NY where we can get another job quickly and without any problems.
This question will not work where there is real life problems like oppression, legalized mobbing, mafia running the country.
Instead of abusing ourselves and asking ourselves questions I would rather support our own self leadership role and know that if we did found out about IFS that we already have highly critical mind, high moral and high ethical standards and we already do have a mind that asks this kinds of questions since we are 9 years old - and
that really in our case it should be abandoning the questions and start trusting our own brain and mind that is capable of resolving the unresolvable real life issues and real life abusers and psychopaths around us which cause us trauma, hurt and sufferings in the first place and keep us trapped in asking ourselves questions like these all our lives.
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" Anyone would be shattered if they were exposed to constant abuse, even happy-go-lucky extroverts"
I agree with you.
" People who suffer from this type of abuse most likely developed PTSD"
PTSD is not the same as CPTSD.
Complex Trauma is forbidden and banned by American medical industry, while Complex PTSD is fully recognized by WHO's ICD-11.
PTSD is more related to one time incident and mostly wars.
While Complex PTSD is related to exposure to narcissistic abuse over long period of time often during childhood when our psyche is forming and is supposed to be validated and loved, not criticized invalidated all the time.
" BPD gets thrown around too lightly "
I agree-
but this is Quiet BPD I am talking here.
Quiet BPD information is also banned by American medical industry because pharma mafia is making huge money profit off traumatized victims and targets of abuse.
"especially towards women who are disliked "
I agree.
". I would get a second opinion if I were you"
Quiet BPD information helped me to understand that Social anxiety trauma stems from lack of identity.
This piece of missing puzzle which CBT and self help industry does not mention lead me to discovery of IFS. And IFS works.
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YT "How healthy people regulate their emotions
"
1:51 "By and large most survivors of narcissistic and antagonistic relationships over-regulate."
OMG
this is huge revelation.
I was convinced I am dysregulated but actually it is not dysregulation - it is over-regulation.
This is mind blowing.
This aligns with IFS - which tells us that panic, worry, rumination, fears anxiety - stem from parts of ourselves which try to regulate our Self - but they do it in dysfunctional way since we are not in healthy ambient - so we mimic toxic people and how they regulate - in wrong ways. We never had healthy model to learn from how to deal and handle toxic people and difficult moments and events.
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IFS works,
it is based on validation and acceptance.
Humanistic psychology.
CBT is based on discipline and willpower and hence dissociation, denial and suppression.
CBT does not address toxic shame nor trauma.
CBT "fixes" outward surface symptoms, which account for 0,005% of mental issues.
CBT leaves us as Timothy Leary once said All dressed up with nowhere to go.
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"people with social anxiety, they are way too focused on themselves."
This is simply not true. This is JP invention because he mix up his psychopathy and narcissism with social anxiety.
People with social anxiety are extremely focused on other people. They are zoomed onto them. Like with a microscope, too much. They notice small details which most people would never notice- like tone of voice, face gesture, articulation and gesticulation. This is because social anxiety stems from trauma and abuse - so now abused ones look for new abuse and any sign of new abuse.
After all-
social anxiety is called social+anxiety. Because anxiety stems from the social factor. It is external factor that causes social anxiety: society.
It is not called self anxiety. Anxiety is not stemming from the self. Panic symptoms occur with other people who appear untrustworthy due to previous abuse.
The greatest proof: socially anxious person will not feel social anxiety with the group pf people who are well known to them, or in 1-on-1 situations.
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(21.10.2023)
"And it is the internal No that moves you forward. "
I agree with you.
But in real life there are situations where saying no leads to femicide.
Where saying no leads to being fired in mafia state where cocaine criminals are running the country, destroying it and not making economy to flourish - which means being without income and money to pay basic Maslow Needs like food or shelter.
Or having full time job does not cover for food and shelter.
These types of oppressions and unfair circumstances may appear as exaggeration to anyone living in normal healthy country in the West, but 60% of population on this planet live in such circumstances, where saying no is not the option.
Self is not about us being narcissists.
Self and mental health is not about being perfect and without any problems in life.
That would be denial, dissociation and living in delusions, which is mental illness.
Mental health is being able to live in reality with the reality and knowing that we have Self inside us which can guide us out of any crap that life throws at us.
Ideas about victim shaming and "setting boundaries" and CBT crap about being "assertive" and "Strong" - are Disneyland fantasies, it is rationalizations, intellectualizations, coping mechanisms of denial and suppression and repression - and they are still wounded parts that make us suppress the real life and protect our Self.
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(23.10.2023)
Social anxiety means we do have mindfulness and meditation - too much of it.
The opposite is needed - to relax our standards.
Conditioned thoughts come from trauma - so we are talking here about Complex Trauma issue.
Self help books do not help because author is presenting herself as god that we must worship - whereas social anxiety is trauma of being abused and toxically ashamed by narcissists - so any rescuer in Karpman Drama Triangle leads to more drama.
Instead of self help books, we need to realize we have Self inside us that can book us and guide us at any time, without paying anyone to control and manipulate us.
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YT "Social Anxiety Lies!
"
There are narcissistic and toxic people who destroy other people just because of bias and prejudice. It is not one's imagination.
Google: shame culture countries.
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Problem is when we start to distrust our conclusions - we will create civil war inside our head.
In order to have confidence and strength and courage - anything opposite of anxiety - we need to trust ourselves fully, our cognition, our conclusions and our perspectives.
If we reject and shame our parts into being silly and wrong, we will create mental illness and more of anxiety.
Internal Family Systems explains it.
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"I just don't want to talk to dumb people.
"
Correct.
Social anxiety is reaction to toxic people, narcissists and predators.
And problem starts when we need to have toxic job due to lack of money and due to lack of alternatives - so we are stuck with people who nitpick our errors, who put us down and who make hysteria about smallest errors which are normal part of daily life and any work - and present it as catastrophe and us as idiots and failures, 24/7, just because they are sadists and love drama and harassing other people.
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No, it is wrong.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma and it stems from ACoA and ACE - where we were invalidated and gaslighted into not trusting ourselves through discipline and narcissistic abuse.
So invalidating our broken and damaged parts is worst thing we can do to ourselves - because we will prolong and continue the same abuse that created social anxiety issues in the first place.
We need to validate and accept our scared parts and nurture them and listen to them - instead of shutting them up, telling them that they are delusional and wrong - because that is abuse, self-abuse.
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YT "How to OVERCOME SOCIAL ANXIETY
"
Social anxiety is not about avoiding interacting with other people. That is shyness and introversion.
"Social anxiety does not exist with more natural"
This statement is incorrect. Social anxiety is trauma of being exposed to narcissists and psychopaths and impulsive borderliners - which existed in all our written history. Even Che Guevara - who propagated natural and socialist society - had social anxiety.
Crippling social anxiety is Complex Trauma. It is not a choice and it is not a matter of willpower.
Social anxiety can be Functional (interacting with people and not avoiding parties) and Masked - yet social anxiety still being present inside.
Scaring people with loneliness will make them stuck with narcissistic abusers, abuse and codependency.
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Social anxiety is not shyness.
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety - yet his social anxiety was Functional and Masked in his job. This means - he performed in front of billions of people, made movies, been on TV all the time - made money and was successful in life, had kids - yet in the end social anxiety trauma ended with tragedy for him.
The same goes for Whitney Houston.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma - and it will exist even when you "put yourself out there". Even when you "talk to people".
Think of social anxiety as being stuck in toxic job with mobbing 24/7 coming from boss, colleagues and customers all the time and without being able to quit this toxic job due to finances. That is social anxiety.
Social anxiety is not about being shy. It is being stuck in inside narcissistic abuse without ability to escape it.
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It will increase social anxiety - because traumatized victims of narcissistic abuse will now make contact with abusers, predators and impulsive borderliners who will exploit their unhealed trauma.
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Your sperm has nothing to do with social anxiety.
Young men are suppose to squirt, if you do not do that, you will end up with cancer of prostate. Accumulated water must go out, see what happens to water that stays - it rots.
Idea to shut down your natural body urges leads to mental illness - and all serial killers were nitpicking their genitalia and making it to control them by being scared of sex.
"Obviously the best way to become more socially comfortable is to socialize more"
Socializing with sick abnormal and narcissistic people will not make anyone more comfortable.
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"Being afraid also of being judge by others"
That is CBT explanation - because CBT is making us sick with wrong explanations.
In reality - social anxiety is being afraid of making OUR OWN judgement OF others.
CBT explanations makes us believe we are hapless and helpless victims.
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There had to be abuse and trauma - where lockdown times - think of it as blooming flower and bee comes to pollinate it.
That is the same as with lockdown times.
You were simply traumatized and groomed and abused into shock.
Lockdown times were simply a trigger.
If lockdown times did not happen - there would be another trigger that would cause you to experience social anxiety trauma avoidance and panic issues.
Why is this so hard to understand?
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YT "3 Steps To Overcoming Social Anxiety
"
1. People with social anxiety do have Depressive realism:
"Depressive realism is a hypothesis that people with depression are more likely to accurately assess certain situations than those without depression. Two professors of psychology, Lauren Alloy and Lyn Yvonne Abramson, developed the depressive realism hypothesis in the 1970s."
"Coping strategies to avoid"
Stem from trauma and abuse. Coping strategies stem from broken and traumatized parts - they do their best to keep us safe from predators and abusers who caused social anxiety with relentless criticism and unfavorable power dynamics.
Coping strategies keep us alive and make us survive the serious abuse, harassment and trauma.
It is really bad idea to scapegoat coping strategies - and not making narcissists responsible and holding them accountable for their abuse which they made by their own free choice to abuse.
Removing coping strategies could end as self harm.
"We get so fixated on that"
Because our broken parts are doing their best with tools that they acquired in childhood to survive the abuse. That is not sickness nor abnormality.
"We don't recognize what we are doing in the first place"
Confirmation bias and Anchoring bias and Availability Heuristic is common human condition. This is not endemic social anxiety-
and it is abnormal and sick and narcissistic to expect us to be perfectionist without errors.
The same way that you have no idea how trauma works even though you are supposed to be therapist and you actually learn about it - but neve paid much attention to it because you are straight white heterosexual male with privilege and born with silver spoon in your mouth - so you cannot understand the abuse and trauma.
"Change habits and patterns"
Nope.
Nitpicking it will cause anxiety, perfectionism and obsession with our drama and errors, we will end with OCD and being afraid of being contaminated with being wrong.
Totally wrong advice here that leads to more anxiety.
"learn to self regulate"
Social anxiety is self regulation. It is filled with self regulation. Adding more self regulation is really horrible and terrible idea.
"Cultivate calm and safe place"
Social anxiety analogy is being stuck in toxic job with mobbing from boss, colleagues and customers 24/7 without being able to quit that toxic job due to finances - so there is no calm and safe place, it is being stuck in narcissistic abuse.
Adjusting ourselves to psychopaths is really horrible idea.
It is no measure of health to be adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
🟦 Jiddu Krishnamurti
"We can bring that into different situations"
Nope.
Masking our needs is really bad idea.
Being sedated will keep us stuck in codependency and inside toxic ambient and we will never plan our exit strategy - but listening to you, we will become defensive and scared of leaving ever.
"Build positive experiences in those situations"
You are keep on telling that abuse is positive and that we must adapt to it.
Just horrible.
Abusers are evil because they choose to be evil. It really has nothing to do with us , and it is really bad idea that we let abusers and evil people to control our behavior and thoughts and how we feel about ourselves.
Lundy Bancroft:
"Abuse is NOT caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can't manage your partner's abusiveness by changing your behaviour. But he wants you to think you can."
"So our nervous system learns we are safe"
So.. if we are in room with serial killer we must destroy our natural instinct to run away and stay with criminally insane person just because anxiety is abnormality that must be destroyed?
Please just stop.
You are doing so much damage with CBT.
Why is it so hard to be accepting and validating?
Why we must pathologize our emotions and control and manipulate them into neurotypical mindset?
Why is that?
-
He is telling you how to develop social anxiety here, self hatred.
HE is weaponizing psychology.
CBT is wrong, it is doing so much psychological damage to victims of abuse and trauma.
-
It is Complex Trauma.
Toxic society like CBT is teaching us to live in denial and dissociation all our lives- and hence to suppress trauma and that we are obedient sheep, like in movie Clockwork Orange - so that narcissists and psychopaths in power have easy job of milking us and farming us as slaves.
Pharma mafia is making huge money profit on suppressing information about Complex Trauma - because cured healed trauma will mean no money for their cocaine, whores and paying school for their bastard children. Parasites.
-
"Then we must separate our selves from our ego?
"
No.
We need to accept and validate our broken parts as IFS tells us - in order for our broken traumatized parts to learn that we have system inside us, adult - who is capable of managing life. Self.
-
YT "Have you tried everything to overcome social anxiety? #anxiety #mentalhealth #socialanxiety
"
Even if we have magical "cure", some magic stick that will make social anxiety to vanish - it will remove only 0,0005% of social anxiety.
It is like onion skin layer.
Without social anxiety panic -
there still would be self abuse, self hatred, inner critic, toxic shame, broken parts inside us which try to manage life situations as learned in ACoA ambient.
-
YT "How to get rid of social anxiety
"
haha
1) shyness is not the same as social anxiety
2) True Social anxiety is being in uncomfortable situations.
Analogy is being in toxic job with mobbing 24/7 abuse coming from boss, colleagues and customers and you cannot escape or quit that toxic job due to finances.
So uncomfortable situations are there. A lot.
2. Socially anxious already do communicate better. They have high levels of empathy and high level of moral and ethical standards - which are used and abused by psychopaths and narcissists in power.
3. Talk to strangers - why would you want to do that anyway?
Why would you bother and harass and bore other people around you with your boring and dull stories and irrelevant issues? Why? Why bro?
3. Sales job makes sense in normal healthy sane country like USA or UK.
In the Balkans - sales job means being exposed to abuse, cursing, physical attack, accusations, slander - on hourly basis.
-
YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety With Theo Von #shorts #podcast #theovon
"
Not talking to vagina is shyness issue.
Not social anxiety.
Social anxiety is analogy of being stuck in toxic job with mobbing from boss, colleagues and customers 24/7 without ability to quit that toxic job due to finances - so it is being stuck in Nazi concentration camp.
Being obsessed with female genitalia is not that.
-
YT "Freezing up in an interview (Social Anxiety)
"
It is complex trauma - due to exposure to ACoA and ACE while growing up.
Therefore:
- Stop and reset will not help.
- "We all get anxious from time to time" - when I wrote subject about that on main reddit forum for social anxiety - I was attacked by other commentators and administrators - and my topic was deleted and soon enough I was banned from it.
People said that I am lying and that "confident" people are strong always and never anxious.
Plus, people with social anxiety know this.
- What we tell ourselves we are broken, something is wrong with us is Broken parts. IFS. This is trauma.
- Vocalize what is going on for you - this will not help at all.
- "That person will have compassion for you." Nope, they won't.
- "That's not someone to work for anyway" - so where will we work? Not all of us live in USA so we can find another job at any moment.
- "That person will feel anxiety and it will relax them" - people pleasing and fawning and ACoA order to fix other people is really bad advice
Invalidating our trauma and panic is really bad idea, that is self abuse.
Why , what is it in human nature to destroy anything that is different?
Why is it to hard to validate and accept?
-
YT ""
If You're Shy or Have Social Anxiety, You NEED To Hear This
"
Social anxiety is trauma. CPTSD.
We learned in toxic ambient not to defend ourselves.
We learned through punishment that expressing ourselves is bad, that it makes us bad if we express ourselves.
Changing ourselves in order to fit into toxic society is not healthy.
It is no measure of health to be adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
🟦 Jiddu Krishnamurti
When we feel insecure - that is parts of ourselves which tried to survive in trauma ambient of invalidation and discipline and punishment. These parts need validation and acceptance - so that our Self takes the charge.
Anxiety stems from trauma and being stuck in protecting ourselves and making ourselves feel safe - which are in conflict with other parts of ourselves that try to fit in into toxic society. Neurotypical is mindset of groupthink and herd mentality.
Idea that you must fix yourself is the same abuse that caused that trauma.
Idea that we must improve is narcissism.
Idea that we must "take responsibility" and that we resolve anxiety with will power - will not work - since trauma has nothing to do with courage nor being strong or weak.
-
YT "3 Mistakes You're Making As a Socially Awkward Person
"
Obsession with social skills is Neurotypical nonsense. It is herd mentality, groupthink, herd mentality.
When we control and when we have high urge to control ourselves or other people - this is because of learned coping mechanism how to handle difficult situations and how to handle difficult people. It is protection, protective mechanisms.
This means - we need to understand and validate it.
Idea that we enter into civil war and self discipline - will not work.
These are integral parts of ourselves and none of them are bad.
When we have high control - it means we have high moral and ethical standards.
This means - we are reliable and adult person whom other people can rely on.
IF we destroy this and cover it up by being cool - we will attract drug addicts and scum into our private life.
This is related to paradox:
Preparedness paradox
The paradox is the incorrect perception that there had been no need for careful preparation as there was little harm, although in reality the limitation of the harm was due to preparation.
This means-
we have better and healthy life now - because of those parts which protect us through control.
So there are no bad parts inside us.
What we need is to unburden those parts of ourselves which make over-control and allow our self, cortex part of brain to regulate and make decisions - and leave our analytic parts to do its job which is made to do in natural way.
That is called IFS.
Going to parties is related to your age now.
In few years onwards - you will start to build career . and you will notice that any job is actually built on control and how you think and obsess, developing OCD actually.
If you are not careful at job, if you do not pay attention to detail - you will suck at that job.
So there are no bad parts.
-
With time - you will discover that other people are not great as you are.
In fact there are a lot of broken people out there. They steal your money. They abuse you. They enjoy in hurting you and seeing you worried. Narcissists, predators, impulsive borderliners - a lot of broken people out there.
So with time you will actually discover that urge in talking to strangers is not good.
You simply end up with criminally insane scum and it is actually better not to talk to most people - and that to protect your mental health is best to avoid most of people.
Because - with your idea to build strong image and with idea that you must be worshiped and talk to anyone - you will actually attract a plethora of toxic people who love abusing and taking advantage of good and nice and friendly people like yourself.
And if you think that you will protect yourself against criminally insane people - nope. They are manipulators.
They are skilled and knowing how to pull your strings and control you. They will offer you your void, to fill it up , they will present themselves as strong if that turns you on - and then control you. They will offer you sex, if your genitalia is over-active.
They will offer you parties if you are obsessed with going out. And then you will be stuck in drama and hysteria which they will blame on you , through criticism and micromanaging.
-
Impressing the other person - but who is the other person?
It is great if the other person is nice, kind, friend and empathic and helps you and cares for you. Then it is great that you want to impress such person.
In real life however - we end up neglecting and invalidating people who are nice to us and who love us, because it feels safe to be real with them-
and paradoxically we end up chasing approval and validation from people who are not interested in us and who are not working in our best interest. Due to money, shelter, security, finances.
-
YT "How To Deal With People Mocking You
"
Being offended and triggered is trauma and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
This happens when we are in toxic ambient with toxic people who boost their confidence by putting attractive and good and nice and friendly people down.
Instead of shaming ourselves for feeling triggered and having RSD - it is better to accept and validate ourselves and not base our self worth on other people reactions.
In your case, you are obsessed with destroying any part that appears as sissy and feminine - in order to appear strong and courageous. Paradoxically when we try to be confident and strong - we end up looking and appearing and needy and clingy and feminine and sissy.
The paradox is when we accept ourselves as we are - we will be both confident and strong - because we won't be triggered by other people's comments and their stigma and labels.
Other people are not insulting and teasing. Normal healthy sane people do not do that.
Only abnormal and sick people do that.
You miss this information.
You are convinced that all people are great and amazing and friendly and nice as you are and hence you must serve and obey and validate others and never hold them accountable for their abnormal evil brain.
Some people are evil.. Many people are abnormal and really sick inside.
If we look at someone who is laughing and mocking us as criminally insane predator who will burn in hell because they are abnormal and sick in the brain - it is easier to shift focus onto better people who are healthy and sane and normal.
You keep saying in your videos that our reactions are sick and abnormal and that we must discipline ourselves.
That is Jordan Peterson mentally ill approach of narcissism and psychopathy that does not work in real life.
It only end up as he - being alcoholic and addict and fascist monster.
-
Nope.
A lot of immature narcissistic toxic people in high school stay stuck in bully phase and toxic society awards them.
Toxic society sees someone who appears as "confident" and loud as competent. That is Dunning Krueger Effect.
People who are competent are insecure in themselves because they are competent and they know all the dangers and what is not safe.
Idiots and psychopaths don't care for safety - and this turns on a lot of people with low IQ.
And then in adult world - we end up with idiots like Trump as president or serial killers like Putin in charge of nuclear state.
-
YT "DO THIS, Or Be Socially Awkward and Shy FOREVER
"
This is so sad.
You keep on believing that parts of yourself which make you human - shy, vulnerable, anxious - you believe these parts are sick and abnormal. And you believe you have false belief - that if you cover up, destroy and lock these parts that somehow you will become super confident and that people will love you and that you will make a lot of money.
Nope.
When we destroy parts of ourselves which are related to neuroticism (which is basic personality trait - Big 5 personality) - we are also destroying our logic and moral and ethical parts that keep us safe and normal and friendly.
Nobody will like someone who is addict to watch on their house or baby. It is highly likely that you will be trusted by normal and healthy and sane people if you have certain amount of neuroticism.
Your idea that we must be confident and strong and that we must be improving all the time and that we must never be afraid - these things will not make you improved at all. You will simply create fake persona - narcissistic mask of superiority - and that is road to delusions and hallucinations and mild schizophrenia.
For example - you keep on talking about comfort zone. You think that you will automatically become strong and confident if you expose and put yourself out there - that magically we will get some medal at the end of journey.
WE won't.
When we do not learn from our mistakes - we never improve.
If we expose ourselves to evil - we do not become immune to it.
If you stay in Chernobyl - you won't become immune to toxic radiation. Instead you will get cancer and die.
Look at third world countries. They are constantly outside of comfort zone - all the time, for centuries. And yet they do not become normal healthy sane country. Instead they breed mafia, corruption, poverty, violence and crime.
Another example
prisons : prisons do not produce scientists and Mahathma Gandhis. Perhaps Mandela is the only person who left his prison by becoming a saint. 99,9 % of prisoners will not become Mandela. Most of them will return to crime and addiction. In prison they are outside of their comfort zone all the time for years - and they do not become improved.
Third example is slum part of cities.
If you go out there and make friends with drug addicts and mafia - you will not become scientist nor contributor to society. You will become parasite and criminal when exposed to evil. Slum parts of cities are outside comfort zone - and they do not become rich Beverly Hills - instead they stay being slum parts of cities.
Fourth example is Rush Stockton. HE was convinced that he is making business by being outside of comfort zone.
Then he ended his life by being mass murdered, killing a child - for not listening to feedback. He interpreted any signs of lethal damage to his carbon fibre submersible as healthy and sane and happy and strong and macho and as improvement.
-
"I hate my social anxiety but trying to work on it every day"
Self hate is social anxiety itself. You are adding fuel to the fire and then wonder why it is not extinguished.
-
YT "She’s an exotic dancer with social anxiety?! How
"
Social anxiety can be Masked and Functional.
Michael Jackson had severe anxiety yet it was Functional so he has performed in front of billions of people without any problems. Unresolved trauma is social anxiety.
Trauma ended his life too soon.
The same story with Whitney Houston and Prince.
Toxic society, CBT and self help industry mix up social anxiety with shyness and then puts labels and stigma on people who experience social anxiety.
And then self fulfilling prophecy begins where anyone experiencing social anxiety panic will never try out exotic dancing - even though they are perfectly capable of doing it.
That is why psychiatry is dangerous, and why CBT must be banned.
-
YT "How To Unlearn Social Anxiety
"
Social anxiety is not sickness nor abnormality.
Social anxiety - without it we would be like Diagenesis in Ancient Greece: we would poop in public, we would urinate on other citizens, we would masturbate in theatre and we would smell like puke. Basically we would not care how we look and how we affect other people around us with sounds smells and sights.
Social anxiety help us to be groomed and that we look good and that we do not make mistakes and that we do not hurt other people with our mistakes and blunders.
Social anxiety becomes problems when our high moral and ethical standards become too high and when they start to hinder us in life - when we stay stuck and struck.
That is because social anxiety trauma is Complex PTSD (panic), it is Rejection Sensitivity (inability to hear accept criticism) and it is Quiet BPD (self hatred). This is all learned and conditioned in ACoA ACE ambient (being exposed to constant and unfair criticism while growing up).
This means - we will struggle with emotions which cannot be changed by will power nor through logic.
In fact - idea that we discipline ourselves into confidence and being outgoing - will be like throwing fuel into the fire.
Masking social anxiety and making social anxiety to be Functional (so that we are talkative and confident and outgoing) - will make us physically sick, we will develop cancer and auto-immune diseases, we will become people pleasers and codependent and stay stuck in narcissistic abuse - which caused social anxiety in the first place. Masking social anxiety will make us lose our money and time and energy and focus on trying to cover up our vulnerabilities.
Instead of attacking and self hating ourselves - the better approach is Humanistic psychology - to accept and validate ourselves as we are.
Your explanation in video to be authentic - will not work for social anxiety because due to trauma and abuse - there is no authentic self. It is never been developed.
Instead there are broken and traumatized parts of ourselves which make us feel safe and protected from abused child point of view.
We need to validate these parts.
Our broken parts and traumatized parts will see catastrophe - which you ask why in the video.
You keep on explaining social anxiety from Dispositional :
Dispositional attribution is a phrase in personality psychology that refers to the tendency to assign responsibility for others' behaviors due to their inherent characteristics, such as their motives, beliefs or personality, rather than the external influences, such as the individual's environment or culture.
In real life - we are not islands.
IF we have issues with social anxiety - it is because of situational :
Situational attribution
the ascription of one's own or another's behavior, an event, or an outcome to causes outside the person concerned, such as luck, pressure from other people, or external circumstances. Also called environmental attribution; external attribution.
That is the reason why it is called social+anxiety. Anxiety stemming from toxic people, abusers, narcissists, psychopaths, impulsive borderliners who are abusing other people.
-
YT "How to Destroy Social Anxiety
"
Social anxiety is normal and healthy.
Without social anxiety we would be like Diagenesis in Ancient Greece: we would poop in public, we would urinate on other people who walk by, we would masturbate in public and we would smell like puke. Basically we would not care how we affect other people with our smells sights and acts.
Social anxiety panic stems from being raised in dysfunctional family where we were exposed to criticism and discipline - the same one you are talking here in this video.
Social anxiety can be Masked and Functional - which means - socially anxious person can be confident and talkative and make a lot of money.
Think of Michael Jackson who had severe social anxiety yet it was Functional for him .- he performed in front of billions of people without stuttering, he made movies, been on tv and magazines all the time, everybody know how to recognize his face in public - so he got a lot of social attention and exposed to society a lot since his childhood. Yet his unresolved trauma ended in tragedy. They same story applies for Whitney Houston and Prince.
Your idea to become attractive - is sign of self hatred and that is paradoxically social anxiety.
You still have social anxiety and it is governing you - without you being aware of it.
You simply replaced being shy and panicked with toxic shame and self hatred and idea to build fake narcissistic image of superiority and over-compensation.
When we heal trauma - we will take care of our body and we will become "attractive" and "talkative" and "confident".
Without self discipline, without being obsessed with how we appear to others and depending on other people's approval.
People with social anxiety already do have superior social skills like empathy and being able to place oneself in other people shoes. 80% of general population lack those social skills. Socially anxious actually can teach others how to build social skills.
Talking to people is not social skill.
With years - you will learn that most people are evil sick and abnormal - and that it is actually better to filter out and avoid massive amount of people. You will learn this as they mock you, abuse you, take advantage of you and when they simply do not care if you live or die tomorrow.
There are a lot of abusers, psychopaths, predators, impulsive borderliners who care a lot about exploiting your mistakes, errors and shortcomings.
Toxic people do not have word toxic stomped on their forehead. In fact they will appear as angels and saints with glib charm in order to attract new victims like flesh eating plant attracting flies with aroma.
Social anxiety stems from trauma -
and then there are parts inside ourselves which try to protect us from hurt and pain. This cannot be fixed nor cured - and especially it will not help being logical about it.
These broken and traumatized parts are governing our thinking and explanations and actions - and we miss information that we have Adult Self inside us which can guide us and take care of ourselves.
When you are in mode of discipline and self abuse and self hatred, as you are in this video - this is a sign you are still having broken and traumatized parts inside yourself which make you self abuse yourself and others through discipline and self hatred and shame and guilt tripping.
Just think about it for a moment-
normal healthy sane friendly person will not judge you nor treat you as garbage. Such person will validate and accept you - when they know you are not serial killer and that they can trust you.
They would not shame you and make you feel guilty for having issues with trauma and fears and anxiety.
Only abusive and sick and someone who is mentally ill would nag and complain and criticize.
People are doing the best they can with the tools they have -
it is unreasonable and unrealistic to expect that all people have the same privilege and advances when comparing with others what they can do.
-
Putting quick labels on something we do not understand is called bias, prejudice, anchoring and hypercognition.
You simply reject anything that looks off. And that is how social anxiety works too.
You simply discard and reject parts of yourself because someone in charge told you so.
-
"sorry but isn’t narcissistic behavior when your onsessed with yourself? I want to become the best version of myself."
You already are the best version of yourself.
People are not divided in sub-species. That would be fascism.
When you hate and reject the core self, that is narcissism. You try to create fake image and overcompensate deep core toxic shame inside by becoming imaginary fantasy model - which will never happen, and then you end up with abusing others, being cranky all the time and triggered to anything that moves, since you desire to love your fake self that is strong and powerful and masculine or god knows what you like.
-
" I was going to write a comeback to this but… I think what your saying is true in some way. I do aspire to be the perfect human. I know it’s impossible but I want to see how far I can get. I want to see how far I can push myself to get through social anxiety and build my perfect physique and get the perfect job. My question to you is. Is this a bad thing to want to become the best I can be?"
You already are the best that you can be.
All of us (anyone who is not anti-social) are doing our very best to be our very best. All the time.
All our actions, all our opinions, thinking, energy, focus - is directed into being the best we can be - with the people around us, resources, money, energy and environment that is at our disposal.
-
(24.10.2023)
"Then what's the solution? "
Solution to social anxiety is Internal Family Systems Model (IFS):
However , you are mis-diagnosing social anxiety - due to toxic society and CBT which are giving wrong explanations and wrong definitions about social anxiety.
Social anxiety issue of not talking to people accounts only for 0,005% of social anxiety.
Social anxiety is much more complex than that.
If your only problem is related to talking to people - that is shyness. That is not social anxiety.
Social anxiety is when people are talking in negative way to you or they reject you or they are unfair and exploit you and when they are aggressive and rude due to their hidden agenda of greed and sadism (enjoying in other people's pain).
Let's say we have a magical wand that makes you super-talkative and fun and cool and at ease -
social anxiety is also about toxic shame and inner critic and it is about trauma bonding and codependency.
So talking will make you codependent and to fawn to toxic people.
Being able to be talkative will not help you with actual social anxiety - because the problem are toxic people, not your reactions to toxic people.
IF you were married with Amber - your talking would not stop her pooping in your bed and her contemplating how to steal your money and destroy your career in false trial.
-
" I’m having stressful thoughts every second"
That is borderline personality disorder.
"but you know what, dealing with it makes you stronger ( mentally ) in some ways"
Nope.
Mental issues are not related to self worth not it is a matter of being strong or macho or not being sissy or feminine.
It is not related to will power.
In fact - if you believe it is related, you will develop mental illness called cognitive fusion - where you identify yourself as your emotions and beliefs. Which is also basic trait of borderline disorder.
-
YT "What are the signs of someone with a weaker ego?
"
Real therapist does not use such language (weak or strong) and shaming labels (in order to discipline others through control and manipulation). We are all work in progress. Nobody is perfect and so many of us struggle with things totally outside of our control.
-
(25.10.2023)
" Yes we are victims but that’s only because everyone else was tricked into believing they’re not"
This works only for fantasy, when you have battles with imaginary scenarios.
In real world , there is oppression.
There is coercive control.
There are predators who mask their psychopathy and who appear as friends, and help and service, who have glib charm in order to appear confident and competent.
What you are describing is soap opera fiction scenario where we poop money and where we are born with silver spoon in our mouths and where we have exact correct skin color and correct ethnicity to be accepted at any job post.
And to have the right genitalia with correct skin color, the genitalia that gets errection at vagina - so it is accepted by toxic and superficial society. Yes, then being a victim is a choice.
For anyone else -
life is more like Jane Eliot experiment Brown Eyes, Blue Eyes from 1968.
White str8 male will experience less mobbing at work - just because he has capability to produce children and to have sex with vagina.
White str8 male will have laws and courts which will protect him when he starts to abuse his family.
White str8 male will get any job much easier than anyone else who is not born with white pee pee.
That is reality of toxic society where we live in. Real life is not self help book or soap opera from 1950s.
-
DSM is statistical manual which has nothing to do with real life.
People are not written page.
Human brain is much complex than a manual.
Instead of Aristotelian boolean logic, real life is a spectrum.
Idea to divide people in black and white is mental illness, called BPD splitting.
-
I do not understand how economy in the West is producing narcissists?
In the poor Balkans - workers do not have choice at all. If they are in toxic job - finding another job is the same as winning jack pot lottery. Nobody can leave toxic employers and this is enabling toxic atmosphere and it is the cause and result of poor countries being poor - because managers are destructive mentally ill evil people.
In the West - if some organization is toxic - it is easy to find another job due to low unemployment and it is easy to start your own business or re-locate. This way, toxic mentally ill evil people in managerial positions whither and dry up - since competent people would leave them - and without competent workers - any organizational unit or business is doomed to fail over time.
This means - narcissistic toxic job employers are like Ebola virus - it terminates itself too quickly in blood and pain than its ability in being spread around over massive territory like common flu or plague. It is only in poor countries where evil can thrive - since workers are basically slaves.
-
I believe we need as society to make acts and laws against narcissists and psychopaths.
We do not allow pedophiles to work with children or criminally insane prisoners.
In the same manner, evil people really need to be in institutions or ought to be banned to work with people.
Narcissism and psychopathy can be detected with brain scan with today's technology. So they cannot lie on psychological tests or by wearing a mask when presenting to authorities.
In the same way, politicians need to go through the same screening.
-
And people think that the other people will remember then when they go into retirement. As if they all will sit around table and talk about good workers in the company and who gave their best of lives into company.
They won't. Any worker is easily replaceable - and we really need to consider corporate America as unsuccessful and detrimental model as it was USSR communism.
-
It is interesting that most you tube videos and books talk about romantic narcissistic abuse scenarios.
Almost all of them disregard workplace bullying.
And there is a reason for that -
there is no solution to mobbing - because toxic society is built that way to support and worship psychopaths.
Another reason is that no author or speaker about workplace narcissism cannot go into Crusades and every law court sessions in order to protect all of the victims and targets of narcissistic abuse.
-
I would be careful with diagnosis of BPD.
Most victims and targets of narcissistic abuse - and especially if they are women - are quickly put under the label and diagnosis of BPD in order not to get much into real causes of distress: toxic straight male in power who is abusive.
This way, victims are blamed for abuse and expected to lobotomize themselves, like submissive housewives in 1950s.
-
"YEAH RIGHT, you just want your audience to declare themselves as having been diagnosed with BPd? this is sooooo to of touch and emeotinaly abusive.
"
That sounds like BPD haha
Just kidding.
I agree with you,
diagnosis and DSM and CBT are abusive and archaic forms of help, they are equal to Medieval medical "help" by leeches and prayer.
However in this case - BPD can help us understand that abuse which causes BPD is destroying our self worth and persona - and this piece of missing puzzle can lead us to learn about IFS which actually helps for all issues we struggle with after ACoA and ACE.
-
" quiet BPD is just another invalid subcategory"
I resolutely disagree with you.
This sub-type which medical community and self help and society is hiding away from us - kept the secret which helped me discover IFS . which is solution to trauma.
Medical community is keeping us sick.
Healed trauma means lost customer to pharma mafia.
Quiet BPD is bridge into understanding that trauma is based on loss of identity and healing and resurrecting identity means healing all psychological issues which targets of abuse have.
-
And I see CBT as being a secret tool to actually target those people who choose Fight response and being anti-social.
Where CBT's primary goal is targeting them to become lobotomized and neutralized.
And anyone else (HSPs, empaths, Quiet BPD who are targets and victims of them) is being inadvertently lobotomized too with CBT.
Like in a movie Clockwork Orange (1971) where a hooligan becomes people pleaser and pushover, without ability to defend himself after Ludovico Method.
Clearly - Ludovico Method is CBT.
-
(27.10.2023)
CBT is equal to Mediaeval medicine. It is doing more harm than good - and it is Ludovico Method from Clockwork Orange (1971) -
it was intended as a hidden system to lobotomize criminally insane and narcissists who may enter into therapy through coercion and force.
Everyone else is collateral damage in this secret program.
IFS Model helps.
-
Karen feel entitled due to narcissism and bad parenting. She has no ability to think that other cars need space - only she sees in her life are her own entitlement, her own privilege and needs.
That is one explanation.
Other explanation might be that she is in menopause and her brain is not working right and she needs to sooth her inner turmoil with beverage and she can't wait patiently in line.
In any way, aggressive rude people are supported in toxic society. They are seen as powerful and that they make things done - by walking over dead bodies without empathy and society likes psychopaths since they appear as good solution to life problems.
Of course they are not - and Karens and impatient people are product of toxic society.
In USA it is quite rare. In the Balkans - Karens is default model for behavior, both men and women are like those monsters.
And that is why poor countries are poor - because toxic society supports parasites and viruses and plague, similar to Mediaevel mentality of dumping crap in the street and then get sick from it without knowing where the sickness is coming from.
In the USA - everyone loved Trump - until Americans noticed that he is satan. And then they stopped voting for him.
In Russia, Hungary, Serbia, Croatia, Italy - any mentality of religion talibans - monsters and psychopaths will be supported and there will be no taking accountability for their crimes against society.
We need to work on awareness about psychopathy and narcissism.
-
I would be careful with self control.
Sometimes suppression, denial and dissociation are perceived and seen as self control - while in reality it is keg waiting to being blown up when a spark occur.
-
People with social anxiety really get triggered by like that stranger at airport screaming and yelling due to not wearing mask.
Due to ACoA and ACE traumatized people will not be able to shake it off. They will internalize stranger's anger and screaming as own ersonality flaw inside them, they will internalize the hysteria and anger and assault as their own personality disorder and flaw and abnormality - there will be toxic shame. And compulsion to fix the stranger and their anger and feel responsible for their anger mood swings and hysteria.
I learned IFS model works best for this - it is about realizing that our parts inside us are reacting to abuse, and these parts are taking charge of Self to handle the situation - through self blame, panic, self abuse, self flagellation, self hatred. So we need to realize our parts inside us are burdened by trauma - and we can unburden them by realizing we are in the body of adult with functional Self that can be calm and realize that the other person is mentally ill and evil and psychopath - and it has nothing to do with our own traits nor persona nor fault nor blame.
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"I know you referenced this would not work with people with narcissistic traits. But generally those are the type of people who engage in controlling/passive aggressive behaviors. At minute 6, saying to them “it’s my problem I’m recovering” would just give the majority of people entitlement to shame you, along with the entire family system. "
Impulsive borderliners too - they also use personal data given to them voluntarily by us - as a weapon of shame and attack later on.
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"Recognition "
This is a great matter of concern.
Who is defining the recognition?
Who is the person in charge to tell what is truth and what is false?
This is a small detail which plays a huge role in gaslighting and manipulation and control - and psychopaths and narcissists feel entitled to define and make definitions about what is correct to them and then shame and abuse anyone else who is not obeying to the tyrants.
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No. Weak is not ego. It is actually the concept of traumatized and burdened parts of ourselves that are shocked and forced into adult role which they were not created to operate in the first place.
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(28.10.2023)
"Self-control means you understand the difference."
But this is the crucial problem.
Who defined the difference?
Who is in the charge to order us and submit us to their truth?
That is brainwashing, hypnosis, tyranny.
Any rigid mindset is mental illness and narcissism and psychopathy.
How can you be 100% sure that the definition of difference is based on love, compassion, empathy, care and health and sanity?
Mentally ill people, evil people, monsters often use manipulation , coercion, coercive control, lies, pathological lying in order to control others - just for the sake of control and dominance and sadism in enjoying when enforcing the rules through punishments.
For example -
there is a cult among young adolescent men that masturbation is evil and that no touching themselves will solve all worldly problems.
Inadvertently they are damaging their natural body system and their self control leads to development of cancer in procreative organs. Therefore mentally ill and evil people who spread these lies about masturbation are causing harm through "self control".
Another example is Russia where self control means not laughing and not being happy - which is perceived as sign of "weakness" and being sissy and feminine. Their national self control idea leads to alcoholism and wars and being obsessed over dominance and control of other nations and supporting war crimes.
In Mediaevel times, it was taught that self control is related to not washing the body - since the clean body and clean environment was considered as satanistic. Living in filth was considered as self control. This crazy making idea about self control lead to black plague and diseases.
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(29.10.2023)
I do agree that meditation is beneficial.
HOWEVER - anyone struggling with mental health issues - especially due to toxic ambient and toxic people and toxic circumstances totally outside of one's control - meditation leads to OCD, suppression, denial and dissociation - which are all mental illness.
It is wrong idea in psychology to deny and invalidate and suppress the pain.
It is the same as if we get cut on knife and then mediate and pretend there is no cut.
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"I just get overwhelmed by trying to read their body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and vague sentences."
I love how you describe autism.
Social anxiety is all that - plus there is a motor of toxic shame and trauma (exposure to long term narcissistic abuse AKA ACoA/ACE) which is producing these obsessive inability to process human interaction.
This is where autism and social anxiety overlap - since the end result is the same - we appear as if we are avoiding invisible land minds and we appear aloof to the third party, as if we are pretending or as if we are oversensitive and it is hard for others to understand what we are doing.
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"Very few can train themselves and be successful, most need a trainer eg a therapist."
IFS Model.
It works.
It helps with trauma and anxiety.
When we feel anxiety we are hypnotized and as I said there is Operant Conditioning going on - without us being aware of it.
IFS explains that there are parts of ourselves which get triggered and then we struggle with anxiety and panic - because we are in altered state, broken and traumatized parts of ourselves take over our mind and Self and then they try to regulate us.
We need to learn about psychology and narcissistic abuse - so that we learn what we can control and what we cannot control.
We cannot control evil people - who trigger us into anxiety. So - we need mixture of getting back to our Self, along with our Self planning better life - away from toxic people, toxic jobs and toxic ambient such as living in shame culture countries.
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This "discipline" appears as magical solution to men. It appears that it works.
However - there are some by-products of discipline: mental illness.
Men are more obsessed with discipline since it is seems as quick way to be productive.
There is a video by famous psychologist: video is called:
Viktor Frankl: Self-Actualization is not the goal
And in this video he answers this question about discipline:
Q: Determinist notion “Man is machine” "Man is computer", “Man is product of its instincts"?
Frankl: Man is something like a rat in experiments, psychological experiments.
What counted was what you make out of this situation, what attitude you adopt in the given situation and there is multitude, a wealth of possible attitudes to how to approach it. So we have to decide.
YT Viktor Frankl: Self-Actualization is not the goal
The “average” man, (wo)man on the street, may find the meaning day by day in doing a deed, in creating a work and experiencing beauty, truth, good in dealing with people. Beauty at looking at sunset.
YT Viktor Frankl: Self-Actualization is not the goal
Unless we were imbued by a will to meaning by the wish to find meaning and discuss, discover and fulfill meaning in life we would never be able to experience inner void. In a way, this (void) is something positive.
YT Viktor Frankl
What he is saying is that we need to change the perspective -
we are either evil or good.
Evil people do drugs, they harm and hurt other people.
Normal and healthy people do not do that. Instead normal and healthy and sane people are already built up to discipline.
This means - normal and healthy people do not need nazi war camps to do discipline. If we have issues with "discipline" and "progress" and improvement as internet stoics are obsessed with - it means that there is some kind of trauma and blockage which is blocking the discipline and progress and improvement.
The most common blockage are poverty (lack of finances) and/or toxic people- abusers who use criticism and bullying and mobbing which traumatizes us into scared parts inside us and then we are immobile and passive - and not disciplined.
Both causes of not having discipline are totally outside of our control.
We cannot poop money nor steal. And also - we cannot run away from our narcissistic parents as kids - the state would return us there and we cannot quit our toxic jobs and toxic families due to obligations and inability to relocate at the snap of a finger.
So instead of discipline - I would go rather through the validation and acceptance and care and self love and self understanding - instead of self hatred and self flagellation.
Also - when we are inside constant criticism and nagging and complaining - this will destroy our self worth, our mental health.
Either by our inner criticism or toxic person in authority - if we are surrounded by constant perfectionism and constant complaints - we will lose our mind and we will develop mental health issues - so this discipline tyranny is this toxic criticism.
We need to understand if we are not evil person - that the reason why we are stuck - is because of inner critic and toxic people in charge - not because we are bad person.
Going to the hub is stress relief. Without it we would probably harm ourselves.
So -
start validating yourself - instead of pushing yourself like donkey or slave.
And start cleaning yourself from parasites and viruses and predators - so that our Self worth can grow freely without judgement and criticism.
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" It's like, no wonder we have social anxiety; when we think that we are saying something right, but it ends up getting interpreted quite differently than how I perceived it. And if a person gets picked apart, because they weren't able to figure out vague sentences, then what's going to make us want to interact? When I was a teenager, I quite literally didn't know what the phrase, "Read between the lines" meant. I was like, "Well what in the fudge is that?!! And how am I supposed to read between the lines on a piece of paper if there's nothing written in between the lines? Is it just imaginary?!!""
Yep!
This way social anxiety is aligned with autism.
With one difference:
socially anxious are traumatized into social anxiety.
There is exposure to long term narcissistic abuse which is causing these questions:
"when we think that we are saying something right, but it ends up getting interpreted quite differently"
Socially anxious person will be afraid of anger of another person.
Autistic person will not have this emotional connection.
Socially anxious person will feel ashamed and will feel as he is the worst person in the world because some stranger is angry.
Autistic person will not have this belief.
Socially anxious person will feel responsible for other people mood swings and anger and hysteria and drama.
Autistic person will simply have hard time process it all -
whereas socially anxious person will feel both responsible and contaminated for being in situation and ambient with angry and hostile person, as if socially anxious person triggered emotions in other angry person PLUS socially anxious person will believe that he can somehow cure and fix other people's mood swings and hysteria and complaints and their criticism - through people pleasing and fawning and making oneself small and not going outside and not getting involved in society - due to fear of other people's wrath.
PLUS there is fear of expressing OWN hysteria and anger and negative emotions.
Autistic person will not have these - autistic person will simply be stuck in processing what the hell is going on.
The same way as socially anxious person would too -
along with feeling contaminated and responsible - socially anxious person will also be stuck in trying to process and trying to understand what is happening.
The only difference is this toxic shame and feeling responsible for other people emotions and problems that socially anxious person will believe it their own responsibility - due to exposure to long term narcissistic abuse (ACoA).
Anyone struggling with social anxiety/Quiet BPD/Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria:
IFS Model helps with this-.
-
(30.10.2023)
" As soon as I turned 18, I found that adults would suddenly treat you differently"
Yeah,
socially anxious have a bullying event at around ages 10-14 where they start to isolate and then develop social anxiety.
The bullying event is not so much the cause of social anxiety as it appears so, but it is a tipping point - when the glass is full of dysfunctional ambient of ACoA and ACE (environment of constant criticism).
In this way ADHD and Autism is similar to social anxiety because society will notice differences in behavior and thinking and society will blame, mock and criticize the neurodivergents all the time - which is the same as ACoA ambient of constant invalidation.
" autistic dating app would be useful just to find more friends in my area."
This is another difference between autism and social anxiety.
Socially anxious may find friends - but trauma triggers and learned automatic reactions to criticism and conflict will stand in the way of trusting others and hence developing deeper connection with others.
Unhealed trauma in social anxiety destroys trust in other people.
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"it’s more frightening to allow it to continue"
This is victim blaming, so common in coercive control.
The target of abuse is perceived as someone who "allows" the abuse.
The abuse is not consent.
The abuse is evil act, willing choice to hurt and harm the target. The target does not have any influence in someone's evil choice to cause harm and hurt.
This is not tango.
Evil person, perpetrator uses many techniques of pathological lying and control and manipulation to carry out the abuse.
In this toxic society - the target of abuse is seen as someone who welcomes the abuse and has a choice to leave. This perception is wrong and toxic.
Society is abuser-centered where abuser is seen as "strong" for having guts to hurt and harm other people. As if being abused relinquishes the human rights of the target of abuse.
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Social anxiety trauma stays even when you do "find people who like the same things".
Social anxiety is Quiet BPD, RSD and ACoA issue of Complex Trauma.
Book: No Bad Parts - will help with social anxiety trauma.
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Mental health issues are not will power issues.
This is a very bad and unhealthy and dangerous comparison - to equate your moods with your self worth.
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"At least u weren't yelled at👍"
Yeah, I think she has narcissism and borderline here.
Not social anxiety.
She confuses her narcissistic injury with social anxiety due to same panic and emotional reactions between those two conditions.
The difference is that socially anxious is afraid of abuse - which caused the social anxiety,
whereas narcissists and borderline is preoccupied with controlling other people and manipulating them into submission.
The dead give away is her filming herself.
Socially anxious would never tape their face and put it on internet - due to social anxiety itself.
In her case - it is narcissistic and borderline desire to be worshipped and approved and validated by others - without any actual social anxiety fear of being yelled at.
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YT "Discussion of Social Anxiety Treatment and Research with David M. Clark
"
CBT is therapy of ableism and therapy of errors. It bases its "knowledge" on DSM which is a book of statistical errors.
In mid 1990s CBT "Experts" had a series of social anxiety research (which was called social phobia back then) and their research was filled with Researcher Bias - where people who were invited for analyzing social anxiety - did not have actual social anxiety at all. The people who responded to social anxiety research were narcissists struggling with narcissistic injuries (which are the same as social anxiety panic and worry) and shy people who struggled with common shyness.
This way CBT based DSM and "cure" - on narcissism and shyness -
and CBT will help only for narcissists and shy people who appear to third parties as someone with social anxiety.
Person will social anxiety will never let themselves be evaluated. Even DSM itself says it so.
Social anxiety is complex trauma issue.
It starts with ACoA ACE ambient.
So instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology which actually helps with social anxiety trauma.
Internal Family Systems Model and "No Bad Parts" book is like space technology in comparison with CBT which is Mediaevel or stone-age technology.
CBT is like Ludovico Method from Clockwork Orange - CBT was invented as short term therapy (couple of hours) - to calm down the criminally insane (mass shooters) and anyone done and survived self harm - and now in mental institution they need to calm down to receive medicine - that is why CBT was invented. CBT was not invented as long term therapy.
CBT completely is focused on Situational attribution
"the ascription of one's own or another's behavior, an event, or an outcome to causes outside the person concerned, such as luck, pressure from other people, or external circumstances. Also called environmental attribution; external attribution."
While in the same time completely ignoring
Dispositional attribution
"Dispositional attribution is a phrase in personality psychology that refers to the tendency to assign responsibility for others' behaviors due to their inherent characteristics, such as their motives, beliefs or personality, rather than the external influences, such as the individual's environment or culture."
7:00 Mental maneuver - explaining this to socially anxious will not work due to trauma. Due to trauma self worth is destroyed. This is something that CBT does not and cannot understand due to deliberate censorship of Freud and Jung.
Blushing - is social anxiety in Japan. In the West, social anxiety is based on trauma, abuse and fear of being abused again.
After all - social anxiety is called social+anxiety - meaning that anxiety stems from the society. Not from the blushing of face. It is not called Self Anxiety. Society caused and it is causing anxiety due to psychopathy and coercive control and mentally ill behavior - which CBT ignores and instead turns to pathologize victims of abuse.
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CBT Exposure will not work - because trauma is problem, not avoidance.
CBT exposure will turn only another coping mechanism to be active: so social anxiety will become masked and Functional - which can end in tragedy. For example Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston or Prince who had Functional social anxiety.
CBT exposure will end up as Fawning and Codependency and staying stuck in narcissistic abuse.
CBT must be banned - it is doing so much psychological damage to victims of narcissistic abuse, ACoA and ACE.
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CBTers hate both Freud and Jung. They censor it.
CBT is Ludovico Method from Clockwork Orange - it is secret method to control the criminally insane and serial killers and psychopaths -
whereas socially anxious are collateral damage in secret program to lobotomize the scum of society. We are simply caught in friendly fire and damaged by CBT - which is actually targeting hooligans and sociopaths.
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YT "How You Can Get Rid Of Social Anxiety In Just 11 Minutes…
"
Being scared of talking to people is shyness issue. Not social anxiety.
Being afraid to fail is common fear - it is not endemic to social anxiety.
So you have wrong conclusions and wrong explanation of social anxiety to begin with.
Being self aware is not sickness. If you were not self aware - you would be delusional and hence mentally ill.
In fact the definition of mental health is to be self aware of reality.
Facing fears - is not "cure" - it is simply making anxiety Functional and Masked.
"What is worse that can happen, you have to fail"
Okay,
let's resolve what is social anxiety:
Think of social anxiety as being stuck in really toxic job with mobbing and abuse all the time - even through cell phone during holidays and weekends - where boss, colleagues and customers are verbally and physically abusing you 24/7 and in the same time you cannot quit that toxic job due to finances. That is social anxiety. Being stuck in narcissistic abuse without exit.
So with social anxiety you do face your fears 24/7 and you are being abused without ability to escape.
Social anxiety existed before social media - so instant gratification has nothing to do with social anxiety.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma. It means - growing up in invalidating environment of ACoA and ACE so self worth is being destroyed. There is no Self. No Persona. No trust in Self. That is social anxiety.
Social anxiety can be Masked and Functional - which means - we can take break from social media, we can face our fears, we can talk to people and be party animal and we can find "things to do" - social anxiety trauma will still be there. In the form of self hatred, inner criticism, self flagellation, self harm compulsive thoughts, hypervigilance, pure OCD, rumination, intrusive thoughts - will still be there, due to unresolved trauma and destroyed Self.
Anyone struggling with social anxiety -read information about IFS Model and book called No Bad Parts.
Which I'll put quotes in comments below.
-
YT "How to overcome social anxiety."
- Challenge negative thoughts leads to more of negative thoughts.
What we resist, persists.
Ironic process theory / The Pink Elephant Paradox
trying to suppress a thought is likely to make it more intrusive
- Focus on the present moment:
socially anxious are overly present, It is toxic ambient that is causing the distress. Not thoughts.
This is common mistake in CBT - dispositional attribution where only mind is explored while narcissistic abuse and poverty as crucial factors of anxiety is totally ignored. That is doing incredible psychological damage to abused - because you take side of abuser.
Dispositional attribution
Dispositional attribution is a phrase in personality psychology that refers to the tendency to assign responsibility for others' behaviors due to their inherent characteristics, such as their motives, beliefs or personality, rather than the external influences, such as the individual's environment or culture.
+
Situational attribution
the ascription of one's own or another's behavior, an event, or an outcome to causes outside the person concerned, such as luck, pressure from other people, or external circumstances. Also called environmental attribution; external attribution.
- Deep Breathing : will not help in real life social anxiety situations which CBT bans from talking about:
such as having toxic job with ongoing abuse and mobbing from boss, colleagues and customers without being able to quit this toxic job due to finances and hence stay stuck in severe abuse which is causing social anxiety panic. Deep breathing will not help when being accused of unfair things and being expected to be perfectionist without making any mistakes and then focusing on micromanaging and hypervigilance in order to avoid abuse. Deep breathing will not help at all with oppression ambient.
Expose yourself to social situations: so if we live in slum part of the city - we need to expose ourselves to crack addicts, heroine cocaine abusers and make friends with mafia and drug dealers and wife beaters and criminals? If we live in mafia ran country like Serbia - we need to expose ourselves to corruption and crime?
If we live in Afghanistan - we need to expose ourselves to serial murderers and then harm women for not wearing hijab?
Bunch of CBT crap here that does not work in real life.
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We live in abuser-centered society where perpetrators of abuse are absolved of their crimes - since nobody has balls to apprehend them and put them into prison or mental institution.
And instead the target of abuse is easily blamed - since it is already on the floor beaten up and cannot defend.
Toxic society which states if we are abused - we do not have human rights and we must be censored and shut up.
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YT ""Andrew Huberman: Mastering Social Anxiety for Real-World Confidence"#huberman #shorts #hubermanlab"
He mixes up shyness with social anxiety.
Social anxiety is trauma of being exposed to alcoholic and mentally ill adults such as narcissists and impulsive borderliners while growing up.
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CBT Exposure does not help - since it makes trauma to be Masked and Functional on the surface - while it is rotten inside.
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YT "Social Anxiety in the Workplace: How to Cope #anxiety #anxietyrelief #anxietytips #anxietyaid
"
- socially anxious already do prepare. They over-prepare and this is OCD issue of over-preparing, being hypervigilant and wasting too much time onto worry and rumination of being too prepared.
No confidence.
- Breaks will not work in toxic job
- Small goals do not exist with social anxiety trauma,
- Mistakes are nitpicked by toxic job ambient
- Facing fears will not resolve social anxiety.
-
YT "Feel Confident in Social situations | How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes
"
Glib charm is sign of psychopathy.
Desire to be worshipped and admired by others is narcissism and impulsive borderline sociopathy - it is mental illness.
If we are obsessed by being loved and accepted by others that we must be interesting to others - this is codependency - another mental illness.
When we are not spontaneous - we will appear automatic and fake - so preparing in advance is doomed for failure since other people will sense that we are abnormal and sick for not being human but a internet google machine who knows it all.
Self help books are working only for the authors and their profit.- they are hoax.
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YT "How to deal with toxic people. #zenstory #motivation #hindistories @wisdomTales809
"
This does not help with toxic people at all.
Self awareness and mindfulness results in severe depression and fear and panic.
Approaching toxic people with empathy results in being taken advantage of.
Overwhelming toxicity - becomes problem when we cannot create distance nor step away - because toxic people are aggressive and without finances we cannot move away from toxicity at all.
Kinda like being in Chernobyl - being calm and focused will not help from being hurt by harmful radiation.
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(1.11.2023)
I support Humanistic Psychology and Humanistic Therapy - where a patient is called client. And the client is the one who is doctor to himself - because each person knows his or her own experience, all the details and all things left unsaid.
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"I'm just trying to improve myself"
This is not improvement.
This is self hatred and mental illness.
What you label as self improvement is being a coward because you reject yourself as you are and you want easy hack how to control and manipulate other people with your strength,
You do not care about self improvement, you only care to dominate and to be boss and to abuse other people in tyranny.
That is because idea of self improvement is toxic shame, self rejection and an attempt to build fake narcissistic mask of superiority.
Because Superiority Complex and Grandiosity is mental illness - you will never achieve "self improvement" and the only way to be superior will be through abusing other people around you - those who are closest to you - by creating narcissistic abuse ambient - and then spreading mental illness onto next generation, like a virus or a curse.
In reality - you are already your own best version. Instead of improving and depending on other people to approve and validate your improvement - you need to uncover like an onion layers to the core of who you really are.
For example - Nikola Tesla had his quirks and perks which may appear as weird and geek and non-improved to the masses: like his obsession with numbers and pigeons.
Yet in the same time he trusted himself - and his ideas and innovations gave us wi-fi, radio and electricity AC/DC. If we rejected his neurodivergent brain and tried to work on his own "superiority" and "improvement" so that he is not obsessed with storms - he would live at the poor Balkans as a local priest. His highest achievement in life would be getting drunk at Local village religious festivals.
-
It has been 3 months -
And I am curious -
did this exercise actually helped anyone here?
Or is it just a waste of time and money and focus?
CBT approach of corrections and discipline will only lead to over-regulation, over-control, over-anything. Over the top. Hypervigilance, more anxiety, more worry, more rumination.
Instead of living our life, we end up being prison of exercises and being scared of living and being trapped in endless CBT therapy that does not work.
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"Constant: correction, redirection, criticism, rejection = Poor self-image."
"Imposition of order in Chaotic system = Escalation of disorder"
-
"What helps me the most is facing the anxiety. "
Then anxiety becomes your master.
Anxiety determines what you will face.
What your focus will be.
What direction you will go in your life.
Where you will spend your money.
Where you will use up your mental energy and focus.
think about it - you end up being hamster trapped in endless hamster wheel.
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YT "Overcome Your Fear Of Conflict TODAY (3 east steps)
"
Traumatic events are not associated with our self worth.
But in toxic society we are taught to equate our emotions with our worth. In psychology this is called Cognitive fusion or Thought-action fusion - and it is mental illness.
"Thought-action fusion is when you believe that simply thinking about an action is equivalent to actually carrying out that action. For example, if a thought randomly pops into your mind about something unacceptable—such as murdering your partner—you would believe this to just as bad as actually harming them."
When we witness something shocking - our brain will respond in 4 trauma responses:
1) Fight 2) Flight 3) Fawn 4) Freeze.
All these are trauma responses - they are neither good nor bad, and there is no competition between those.
So Fight response is not "better" than Freezing.
Trauma will not go away with Fight response.
Instead of trauma responses - there is Ventral Vagal concept - which means being sociable and interdependent where we build up community and not make divisions.
When trauma is active - it will not go away on its own. It will not vanish with grudge. Nor it will go away with belief that we must self flagellate ourselves for feeling trauma. And it will not go away with fighting bullies and confronting them.
Bullies are mentally ill and evil. There is something abnormal in their brain that is making them to abuse other people.
Society and institution and prisons handle evil and sick people - we are not neither police nor judge nor prison system that can control and manipulate or control sick people.
In this way - your idea to ruminate about trauma - will not help - because you are rejecting parts of yourself which were hurt.
You tell your inner parts that they are sissy and feminine for feeling the pain and that they must shut up and be a man.
This idea of suppression and denial of our broken parts will end up as mental illness.
Anyone struggling with trauma - there is IFS Model which explains what happens to our emotions and brain and how to process trauma in healthy manner.
-
(2.11.2023)
"No one is ever suppose to scream at you"
At the Balkans it is custom that someone in authority screams at someone in need or someone in some kind of subordinate position,
this caused me life time of social anxiety trauma -
and I have been reading American self help and articles of social anxiety which does not recognize narcissistic abuse and toxic shame cultures -
so I self blamed myself for feeling social anxiety - because American medical and self help industry are describing social anxiety as hallucination and over-sensitivity, a personal and personality fault and disorder. Not external abuse.
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"1. she's a psychiatrist.
2. the concept of a weak ego is based in very specific psychological theory
3. . you need to understand the terminology, and how it's being used before you decide she's "shaming" as opposed to describing."
1. She is a bad one.
2. This is not medical video - it is intended for the masses who never taught to be psychiatrist at university. Only egocentric and narcissistic person who is psychopath will not understand that. Like you.
3. you need to understand human mind and empathy because you have abnormal mind of psychopath and sociopath, like any other narcissist.
-
YT "Rethinking Narcissism & Manipulation"
Coercive control is manipulation of our normal and healthy needs like having empathy and caring for others and traumatized parts of ACoA where were were programmed to fix angry monsters and sooth them. This is not tango. This is exploitation.
Abuser has hidden agenda to take advatntage of the target. This labels needs to be challenged. This is not abuser nor abuse - this is evil person being evil and choosing evil actions. The target of evil is not choosing evil. There is no cooperation in its own abuse. This paradigm that we are creating own abuse needs to be removed , it is archaic and damaging and enables the abuse to continue without evil person being hold accountable.
We are complicit because we are given pathological lies presented as truth. We are being mislead.
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"Your ego plays a huge role in these relationships"
Nope.
Broken and traumatized parts due to ACoA and ACE play a huge role why we are unable to get unstuck from angry and aggressive predators and evil monsters.
-
YT "Being a Psychopath and a Narcissist #4"
It makes sense to learn about psychopathic mind directly from the source.
This way anyone socially anxious can learn from the source what is going on really. The regular sources cannot explain it on deep level. And that is IFS Model - that we listen to our exiled parts - which are psychopaths and understand them instead of suppressing them and then social anxiety and avoidance running our lives into isolation and fear from people.
I agree, Gabor Mate, Alice Miller and IFS are the only one that can explain and help with trauma.
-
(3.11.2023)
Social anxiety is a general term.
We can divide people who feel social anxiety in two main groups:
1) normal, healthy, sane people who deal with social anxiety by checking themselves and believing they are guilty for something.
They deal with social anxiety by self flagellation and inner criticism. There is minimization and inferiority complex.
&
2) abnormal, sick, psychopathic, anti-social monsters who believe other people own them entitlement and privilege and they deal with social anxiety by being rude to others. Social anxiety that they feel is actually called narcissistic injury - and symptoms are the same.
Narcissistic injury happens when narcissists does not receive admiration and appraisal from others that he feels is entitled with due to grandiosity.
To the third party - such person will appear "confident" due to overcompensation and narcissistic techniques to appear strong and over the top and one step ahead of others due to urge to be better than others.
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" how does someone know they are people pleasing"
It is Fawning.
Fawn is Trauma response.
This is something we learned and we were forced to do in childhood when we were exposed to Operant Conditioning.
We were forced to serve and obey in order to avoid series of punishments.
Now as adults we believe if someone is angry or moody - we automatically believe it is our fault and that we must fix this person.
We totally forget our own priorities and goals, we move away from healthy and sane people - and we get drawn to toxic people and their problems and solving their problems. Because we are under hypnosis.
Operant Conditioning is removed through the process called Extinction - that we no longer have impulse to serve other people and believe that they are gods and that we must obey anything they comment and believe it is 100 percent true what they nag about.
IFS Model helps with this Extinction phase.
We need to heal this Complex Trauma of trauma bonding and external referencing locus of control (when we set our worth based on other people's comments and orders and their commands).
IFS Model tells us that when we act on trauma - this happens due to parts of ourselves which were traumatized take over the control of our life and our decisions.
These traumatized parts need to be lift from burden through compassion, understanding and listening to them.
With people pleasing we are trying to protect ourselves from feeling the original trauma of being alone, punished, hurt and in pain. And we repeat it over and over again with toxic people who trigger us into this state of frenzy and hypervigilance.
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"How do I discern when someone is toxic versus healthy?"
That is hard - because toxic people will appear as friends and help - they will wear a mask. Also - they will scan our deficiencies and needs and voids - and they will fill them up with promises and later on with shame and guilt tripping, after we bought their propaganda and started to trust them and link bonds with them.
Listen to your gut feeling.
If something feels off - it probably is.
" I still don't know if they are or not; I am not a psychologist."
The greatest minds in psychiatry are struggling with this question.
We live in abuser-centered society where narcissists are worshipped and the blame is always scapegoated onto target of abuse and it is taboo.
"Can you share an example of how you healed a specific traumatized part using IFS therapy?"
It is about changing the perspective - where I learn about Self. And when something triggers me - I remember that the fear and panic and worry stems from traumatized parts of me - which are not my Self and they try to govern the actions and decisions and thinking process - which ends as isolation and worry. Instead I can allow my core Self to guide me and make decisions.
This is Humanistic psychology - that we are always turned to our well being, our goals in life and having compassion and curiosity instead of being focused on pain and defense mode.
"What healthy coping mechanisms do you recommend for dealing with guilt over disappointing others to prioritize myself?"
We will always disappoint others - we need to learn that being perfect is impossible and we will always make mistakes and unintentional errors.
We won't feel guilt nor shame when we are in the presence of normal and healthy people. It is our job to make separation about toxic and normal people and minimize contact with toxic people.
Our broken parts are doing their best to protect us and to use coping mechanisms to protect us. IFS is teaching us that we realize it is not other people who make goals for our lives - it is us, we are in the driving seat.
Healthy coping mechanism would be that no matter what happens - we are not criminals, we are not bad person - so there is no need for defense hypervigilance mode that we learned in childhood - and that we can trust our brain when we unburden it from trauma - that our brain will guide us and tell us how to cope and where to go next.
"If you were previously a people pleaser yourself, what are some of the most rewarding changes you've experienced since overcoming people-pleasing tendencies?"
People pleasing - is fawning when we go into Negative Politeness: this means when we do not warn nor alert toxic people when they are toxic for the fear of punishment.
So - it is not people pleasing that is the problem.
The problem are punishing toxic evil monsters.
Agreeableness is Big 5 Personality trait.
It is normal to help and serve other people and be part of community.
It is only in toxic ambient with evil people - that this agreeableness becomes toxic due to evil people who exploit our healthy and normal personality trait.
If we destroy this trait - we will become cruel and narcissistic.
We need to be interdependent with other people - that is healthy.
So people pleasing is not sickness nor abnormality - when we are around normal and healthy and sane people - we are suppose to people please those who deserve our respect and who treat us with respect. Otherwise - we would never make friendships or any romantic contact with anyone.
"Are there any books you would recommend that were most helpful to you in this process?"
Peter Levine,
Gabor Mate,
DR Ramani - she has YT channel.
No Bad Parts - it is available for free online in PDF.
-
(4.11.2023)
It seems to me that you mix up trauma work with Dissociation, denial and suppression - all of which are dysfunctional coping mechanisms.
Evil people exist. Evil people use psychology to escape accountability for their crimes.
" that there is a lot of work to do on your side"
You are projecting and that is evil.
You simply use trauma as a weapon to hurt and harm other people in order for you to feel good about yourself.
"same coping mechanisms might show up where there are no longer needed,"
This is simply not true.
Coping mechanisms will appear when we are inside Unfavorable Power Dynamics, when evil people like you project and weaponize psychology as an evil goal to put other people down and gaslight them into Moral Relativism.
You have serious narcissistic and psychopathy issues. It is clear that you do not have trauma - you cause trauma to others and expect that other people fawn over to you and serve you in silence and worship your grandiosity.
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(4.11.2023)
YT "Why Your Social Anxiety and Social Confidence Are NOT Improving
"
Journaling is great - but if this is coping mechanism, then this becomes OCD ritual.
Anything we fight anxiety with becomes sickness. What we resist, persist.
Not talking to people is shyness. That is not social anxiety.
You mix these concepts up.
Social anxiety is analogy of having toxic job with mobbing - hence there is a lot of connection with people and there is a lot of talking with people - but this talking is abuse, screaming, yelling, blaming - and in the same time you cannot run away due to finances so you are stuck with angry customers, boss and colleagues who nitpick your natural mistakes and make drama and hysteria about it 24/7. That is social anxiety.
Fear of not talking to people is a mere shyness - and shyness goes away with exposure and "inner work" as you call it.
With social anxiety - when we talk to people - there is also toxic shame, inner criticism, constant feeling of blame and guilt and shame, 24/7 and this is not perceived at all - but this unconsciousness runs our decisions.
"Socially capable" people do not exist. This is fantasy concept like Fairy Tooth or Santa Clause or romance in Hollywood movies.
Instead of socially capable - those people have psychopathy and abnormal brain - so they do not have empathy and they are capable of being insensitive and cruel to people - which toxic society perceives as being "socially capable".
What is socially capable is glib charm - and psychopaths and narcissists invent it in order to get their needs met, they play act being socially capable until they become anti-social.
Beliefs in childhood are developed with ACoA and ACE environment.
That is being in verbal abuse all the time - similar to your ideas about no fap and being obsessed about not being flawed. That is self flagellation. Self abuse. And this will end up as mental illness - because people are imperfect. Perfectionism is mental illness.
When we heal our trauma and when we ease up our desire to be perfect - the paradox is that we will become perfect and we will improve and become skilled and "socially capable" as you put it.
Anyone who struggles with social anxiety - turn to IFS model and book called No Bad Parts.
What you say in this video - that you chase and burn as witch your thoughts - that is thinking that parts of yourself are bad and that you must clean yourself - that ends up as auto-immune disease and toxic shame (deep self hatred) which are basic parts of social anxiety.
The best example is that you still have social anxiety- that you do not comment my comments about social anxiety.
This means you are scared of people - you simply mask it and make it functional and pretend to be strong and superior - and that is social anxiety - it is still inside you.
Without social anxiety - you would be open to people and to new ideas. You would not discard them.
-
If you hate yourself and if you believe you must be strong - this will end up as mental illness.
Instead of self rejection and living in fantasy - try out self validation, self acceptance and see what happens.
-
If you depend on other people to sooth your anxiety - that is called Codependency and Trauma bonding.
Anxiety is still there - it is simply transferred onto person who appears as Buddha to you.
You cannot destroy anxiety - anxiety is alarm system.
Idea to remove anxiety will always lead to addiction and mental illness.
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(5.11.2023)
" My anxiety was about people worrying about my peers"
This is why we need to listen to our anxiety -
in your case , it is clear that anxiety did not come up on its own.
Obviously you had bad experiences with your peers and you grew up in household, you are still growing up in a household where you are disciplined and corrected - and that is why this channel appeals to you - it reminds you of your own home and your father who is actually abusing you.
If you already have inner mechanism to worry and to be aware of your surroundings and other people - there is actually no need for discipline anymore.
You have judicial moral and ethical system in your head. And any additional torture and correction is too much - and this leads to trauma and more of anxiety.
Think of it like pruning a tree.
If you do not stop pruning a tree at some point - the tree will never grow up - it will forever be pruned.
That is what is happening with discipline and corrections and worrying and rumination and self blame and self doubt - you keep pruning yourself and you attract people who instruct you to prune yourself.
People are not machines - they cannot be perfect. We have flaws and areas which we need to improve and keep eye on.
The idea that you hold yourself hostage and circumcision yourself for the sake of fantasy where you will prune yourself so much that there will be no problem in life - is a fantasy, it will never happen.
So in the future, if you continue with this discipline and self flagellation and self hatred - you will start to abuse people around you just in the way you abuse yourself right now.
This is simply not healthy nor it is functional.
Instead of doubting yourself and correcting yourself and disciplining yourself -try Humanistic psychology approach of self validation, self acceptance and self love. and self care and well-being.
-
All mental illness stems from ACoA and exposure to abuse and narcissistic abuse.
If we follow CBT ideas of self flagellation and self hatred and self corrections - we will miss the big picture: toxic people who abuse us and control us and manipulate us.
-
(6.11.2023)
YT "The Strongest Antidote To Social Anxiety
"
"just feel sensations in your body"
Does not work. It can't work.
Social anxiety is normal reaction to abnormal environment which is toxic.
So if we live in Chernobyl - we won't become strong and immune if we stay in radioactive air. In fact, we will become sick.
When we are inside narcissistic abuse - our immune system will go down, we will develop allergies, auto-immune diseases - because traumatized parts inside us are exposed to danger.
Social anxiety does not pop up on its own. There is a see-saw effect: there had to be some kind of trauma to activate brain mechanisms - and that is always narcissistic abuse, ACoA and ACE in childhood (exposure to relentless and unfair criticism all the time).
Instead of feeling sensation - we actually need to validate our anxiety parts and listen to them, understand what is happening and be curious - what triggers us? It will always be some kind of trauma experience in the past which is similar to the trigger in the now.
IFS Model explains that when we deal with social anxiety - we have Complex Trauma and there are parts of ourselves which were activated in trauma childhood and took the role of adult - and now these parts get activated as social anxiety panic - since these parts do not have knowledge, experience nor resources to handle difficult people in any other way than panic and isolation.
When we have social anxiety trauma - we actually have Quiet BPD - which means we have severe toxic shame and we reject our Self, our self worth and our personality is suppressed and pushed down, while traumatized parts run the show.
This means, when we listen to our panic sensations - we will still have this toxic shame and self hatred and self rejection and we won't have our Self activated.
Like you sad - this sad traumatized child part does not only want to be seen, it needs to be assured that we will take care of our life and body and our choices and goals in life.
You are correct -we are not broken. We are simply mis-learned and suppressed, our true adult Self is locked away and we have Kevin Home Alone in the house scenario going on - in our head. Child part are alone in our body and mind and they try to make schemes how to deter parasites and thieves and narcissists to defend the house. Our job is to bring our own inner parent back to house to take care of Kevin who is Home Alone.
We will notice that our scared parts are doing many things that are rational and totally normal - and that they know where we need to go, what jobs we need to do and where we need to live. We are not listening to those parts due to abuse and trauma, so we are not present with ourselves as adults. We have Kevin running loose in our body and mind.
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It is not monster at all.
It is child parts which are scared and angry and tired of being the adult inside our body. They need to be unburdened by accepting and validating them, not calling them monsters.
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It will not be enough.
Listening will not cut it.
Let's see analogy.
If you burn your hand or if you cut your hand - the act of being present with the wound will not be enough. You actually need to take care of wound and be assured it will not be contaminated or fester.
In the same way, our inner wounds demand our attention and us to be adults and to use our brain to take care of ourselves. We never learned that in ACE childhood due to exposure to relentless criticism and blame and put downs and deficiency motivation discipline.
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"it helps to run through it like 2-3 times"
Your "advice" only fuels more social anxiety.
When you convince yourself you are in danger - you will act in danger.
Use humor.
Admit you are not sure.
Ask for help, clarification.
Tell I do not know when confused.
Learn about Complex Trauma and trauma bonding.
Learn about narcissistic abuse.
And read book "No Bad Parts".
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"Wait is this for real?
"
Yes, and you have it too - but your social anxiety is expressing itself in different way, in different situations and with different people.
For example,
if your boss tells that your job which you worked hard and paid a lot of attention is $hit and you will get fired - while in the same time you do not have next month rent - and you will end up homeless next month with hooligans peeing in your mouth when you sleep outside - you will feel the same social anxiety panic as he has.
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YT "Social Anxiety solutions ✨
"
"Wanting to stay in bed" is depression.
"Counting money before paying" is OCD.
"Always thinking other people mocking" is Complex Trauma.
"Making scenarios in head" is Pure OCD.
"Feeling uncomfortable without crutch" is hypervigilance.
These all stem from narcissistic abuse, ACoA and ACE in childhood.
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YT "Social Anxiety vs Shyness: Understanding and Overcoming Intense Fears
"
"Fear of being scrutinized and judged" is CBT false definition that leads to being stuck forever in a victim mentality and being passive basket case hypnosis and self fulfilling prophecy. The real definition is fear of expressing our OWN scrutiny to toxic people and judge narcissists and psychopaths around us and hence inability in expressing our boundaries. CBT bans the true definition - because social anxiety is stemming from exposure to psychopaths and abnormal evil monsters (ACE, ACoA) - and we were initiated into evil and becoming criminally insane during abuse in childhood such as relentless unfair criticism and mocking and non-stop put downs. Our healthy normal parts of brain fights against becoming sociopath - so we end up with social anxiety.
CBT knows all this but bans this information - because shadow government fears we might mis-use this true information and become dangerous and anti-social. So CBT lobotomizes us with wrong definitions and false explanations about social anxiety as seen and heard in this CBT- based video.
Exposure to toxic people will not make social anxiety go away - we will become people pleasers instead and fawn to psychopaths in power which corrupt medical industry is being sponsored by corporations to enslave and make masses to be passive and obedient to psychopaths in managerial positions.
Cognitive restructuring is dangerous - it means that psychopaths in corrupt medical industry set the standard about how and what we must think - similar to North Korea or Putin's Russia - we are being told what is accepted by psychopaths in power.
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"JWaller Tells INCREDIBLE Method To Overcome Social Anxiety
"
Talking and practice is only 0,005 % of social anxiety.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma -
so if we believe that social anxiety is inability to talk - with unhealed trauma we will become boring and harass other people with our boring conversations.
The trauma will still be there - since it is unhealed.
Toxic shame is there.
Inner critic is there.
Destroyed self is nowhere - only fake persona and make shift personality being run by traumatized parts inside our body.
Social anxiety is reaction to toxic people like psychopaths and narcissists in power. The true problem are criminally insane monsters - not our natural reactions to serial killers and mafia in power
-
The very fact you need advice - is a sign of destroyed Self and deep toxic shame inside, trauma of ACoA and ACE running the mind and decisions in life.
What stops you from trusting your own brain and your own advice giving and help from inside?
What compels you to make other people into North Korea dictators who tell you as a sheep where you must go and how to act?
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YT "anxiety when speaking in groups
"
Inadvertently you exposed that social anxiety is Complex Trauma.
When we are 1-on-1 there is no social anxiety.
This is a signal and clue that social anxiety stems from ACoA and ACE abuse in childhood.
-
It does not cover social anxiety trauma issues: criticism and negative judgement.
What happens when this other person is negative, yawning to us, calling us names and criticize us and make drama and hysteria.
Social anxiety will be back and this conversational mode will be contaminated with panic and fear and fawning - because social anxiety is Complex Trauma and Quiet BPD issue - where we do not have Self - but only traumatized parts inside us which try their best to cope with sociopaths and narcissists and other toxic monsters who trigger social anxiety as reaction in others, their target of abuse and manipulation and coercive control-
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YT "Why You Feel Like You're Not Enough?"
Another term is Quiet BPD.
Deep toxic shame and programmed and conditioned self rejection and self hatred which destroys Self and self worth.
When we are in toxic job and we do not have money to quit this job - it won't help to claim our worth - since we will be abused by psychopaths and sociopaths who abuse us from their position of authority.
Apart from claiming our worth - there needs to be education about psychopathy and narcissistic abuse and IFS model - so that we learn about our Self being our brain - that will calculate exit strategies from the impossible situations such as being stuck in toxic job or toxic country without visa or money to escape.
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YT "60-90% success rate with social anxiety when doing this #anxiety #socialanxiety #mentalhealth
"
Exposure will make symptoms denied, suppressed and locked out. This leads to mental illness and making powder keg waiting to explode one day.
The same way as being exposed to Chernobyl toxic air - radiation will not make us effective. It will make us sick.
In the same way, when we suppress social anxiety - it will come onto surface as Lupus, auto-immune diseases, allergies, pimples, skin issues, cancer.
Social anxiety is reaction to toxic people and abuse.
The problem is not in our head, we are not abnormal for reacting to psychopaths and sociopaths.
With Exposure we suppress our inner wounded parts and tell them to shut up. This is invalidation and self abuse. That approach of self invalidation will fester into trauma.
Inner critic, perfectionism, addictions - like addiction to work, self hatred and self harm.
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YT "Here's how you can make exposure therapy for social anxiety...MORE FUN! #socialanxiety #anxiety
"
CBT Exposure is invalidation of Neurodiversity and narcissistic abuse.
If we expose ourselves to toxic people - we won't become less socially anxious - we will become more socially anxious.
If we reject our brain for being neurodivergent - we will develop severe toxic shame and self rejection - and we will end up codependent since we won't be able to trust and lean onto our own gut feeling and brain to make decisions in life about anything.
Instead of ableism, I would go with humanistic psychology: acceptance and validation and being curious and having understanding.
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YT "Why Nice People Die Young?
"
ACoA destroys the Self - so this makes it impossible to be more boldly in the world. Self is never created in the first place.
Plus,
if we never look at the perpetrators - why narcissists and psychopaths are not healed and cured?
-
We actually can be nice and express our anger in the same time.
It is toxic society that is polarizing and teaches us how to develop mental illness:
by believing that we are not allowed to be nice and cruel to cruel people in the same time.
Plus we are being conditioned to believe that being cruel means being hysterical and violent to jerks.
In reality - we can be cruel by being super nice to monsters. There is expression "Kill them with kindness". We can make SNL sketch out of us being super nice and make it hysterically funny.
We are simply not being told about this in media and society because we live in toxic society which worships psychopaths.
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"What are some methods to stop fearing consequences of speaking your mind (firing from job, social isolation, fights etc) ?"
Excellent question - and CBT does not has answer for this real life question that is at the basis of mental illness due to exposure to psychopaths and narcissists.
You need to take another angle.
Take another perspective.
Shift into another dimension.
Your question is formed from a place of scared child that depends on other people to guide us and make us feel safe and loved.
What we never learned in dysfunctional ACoA ambient is to love ourselves and to rely on ourselves.
We only learned to be victim and to be stuck in victim mentality - because we were punished all the time when we tried to be independent.
In real life-
most people are not actually fired from their job when they speak up.
If this is the case - then everybody would be fired all the time. There would be no workers since we must talk. Even if we are slaves and do everything as dictator orders us to talk about - since dictators are incompetent and stupid - their own words and orders coming from our own mouth will be wrong and filled with errors and hence punished - even when we mimic and tell anything that abusers wants us to be slave to them.
This is something that we need to become aware of - how narcissistic abuse works.
Another concept that we never learned in dysfunctional childhood is trusting our own brain and building our Self.
We have voice inside us and gut feelings that are our own GPS system. We have it inside us.
It will tell us - where to go and how to handle difficult situations and impossible situations like being stuck in toxic job or toxic nazi country filled with cocaine mafia running the politics and police and judicial system without visa or money to escape such toxic country.
In fact - being nice - is direct result as reaction as response to psychopaths in power, as you asked in this question.
So your question is wrong.
Instead of question - your question is actually a statement.
We need to accept and validate ourselves.
Then something magical will happen- we will free up voice inside us, our brain will start to calculate and make decisions in life - how to escape toxic ambient and never ever form any kind of contact or contract with sociopaths ever again.
For example if we are gay - instead of hiding our urges and lifestyle - we will accept it and move into better ambient, we will collect money to run away in safe manner without hysteria and drama.
The point is to be ourselves.
When we are inside toxic ambient - we will be nice and we will try to please the abusers and sociopaths by suppressing our urges, needs, wants.
That is what this research is telling us.
It does not tell us to become Terminator and fight and kill anyone who is rude.
It tells us to be authentic and loving and to validate our Self and to develop our Self - in order to build and listen to our inner GPS system inside us - that we won't suppress anymore for the sake of being kind to psychopaths, that we do not bother them with our needs and wants and authenticity.
.
YT "I Was a Private Investigator With NO Social Life
"
Being obsessed with social life -
why?
Why would you harass poor people in service industry and bother them with boring conversations and garlic breath and BO sweat from gym?
What you get from talking to strangers?
Going to smelly BO gym is highlight of your life?
Being obsessed with other people and their admiration and approval is mental illness. It is called Borderline disorder and Codependency.
Also, glib charm is sign of psychopaths and it is narcissism.
This desire for social life is serious mental illness. I would investigate it more.
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"What if i'm a sociopath most people genuinely bore me and I have no interest? I am high functioning sociopath though as I've had many relationships and I do have social skills but alot of people I'm genuinely not interested in. Most my relationships with women don't last over a year though as sex is all I want and I stop trying after a while after sex is consistent, because I can't see where they are coming from as I struggle with empathy and remorse."
This types of videos are targeted for 12 years old boys who have just discovered masturbation. It boosts his weak ego to be admired.
Videos like this are not intended for adults with real life problems and issues.
I dunno.
Obviously you are extremely self aware and you know what is problem and that is great - you know where to build a normal and healthy life - you simply lack tools and people to support you in this process.
I think you will need to take a lot of actions and decisions on automatic - mechanically.
Like for normal and healthy people - empathy comes naturally. You need to manually do it.
You need to learn how empathy works and then mimic it.
Mimic being normal after you learn what is normal and healthy and sane.
I think nobody will punish you for not being perfect in it - it is important that you try and work on it.
For example, if there is funeral . it is normal to express your grievance and sadness.
So you learn a phrase what to say in such events.
When someone is happy, you match your emotion to theirs.
When they are sad - you talk to them and support them and validate them.
It is amazing that you are genuinely interested to do it - since most sociopaths are not aware that they do have sociopathy so they have no knowledge what needs to be done in the first place.
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"How can you help me meet new young ladies and get more help with talking to them"
Build self worth , accepting yourself, validating yourself - your flaws and errors and mistakes and anything that you dislike about yourself - take care of it and validate it and help it with patience and care and love.
When you do this to yourself - you will naturally attract ladies and men - since you will be nice genuine authentic person who is healthy and sane - and people will trust you that they can rely on you since your treat yourself with kindness and love in the first place.
People sniff your inner world like dogs in heat.
If you come from the place of being needy and clingy and depending on ladies to feel good about yourself - people will sniff this desperation and they will be repulsed by you and avoid you - since they do not need another burden in their already crappy life.
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"I say hello to almost all the girls i cross path with. Most of them dont even respond or dont have a reaction at all. Sometimes i say Hello how you doing with a smile, same thing, been doing this for a year, doesn't help that much for real approaching. Showing sexual intentions to a girl is completely different. Same anxiety is present for me. Still not approaching with clear intentions. Other times i also ask girls directions for a store. Same thing for me it doesn't seem to help."
That is because whores like money and power and psychopaths. They see nice and kind men as weak and worms to squish.
So - I guess you need to make your standards up and high enough to filter out the garbage.
You respect yourself more - you will not search your soul mate in some poor stores filled with addicts and mentally ill Karens. If you do - they will ruin your life - so it is great that sluts do not respond to you.
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YT "The BRUTAL TRUTH About Confidence (Must Know)
"
I pull your legs since your videos are ridiculous, but this message I like.
You are correct - if we are in toxic ambient, if we do not have money - we won't have all the conditions to be happy and to feel safe.
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The theory is that white heterosexual men will experience less mobbing than others, they will get job quicker than others, they will experience much higher paycheck - and have less stress than anyone who is not white heterosexual male born with silver spoon in their mouths and entitlement and privilege.
-
(7.11.2023)
it is what he’s saying that’s an issue.
First of all, he was banned from several countries because she choked a women as a part of his teachings. That is first.
Most people do not know this fact and they follow him around - while he clearly is violent and deranged.
The other thing is that you do not need Buddha to tell you how to be confident in life. Confidence is not memorizing lines and how to have a posture. IT is having a character and personality - and we do not have this due to trauma of ACoA and ACE - being exposed to abusers in childhood. That is Quiet BPD - not having personality Self and looking at life from BPD Splitting - black and white. This is what he is teaching - that we look at life from black and white.
Third is that due to BPD Splitting he is spreading message that people pleasing and being quiet is sickness and abnormality. This toxic masculinity approach leads to toxic shame and self rejection and self hatred.
He is not doing this for free. He is making money on people's trauma. Like a parasite.
IFS Model helps. Check out book No Bad Parts. It is based on self validation, self love, self acceptance. Not self hatred nor self rejection nor false messages.
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"negative rumination only increases if you don't do anything about it"
It will increase no matter what you do.
That is because - negative rumination is See-saw effect.
We do not get negative emotions out of thin air. We do not walk in the street and then caught bad mood as a plague or having a cold simply due to exposure to rain or snow or cold.
There is someone who is pressing us on the other side that makes us ruminate and worry and try to find solutions. Which is common in narcissistic abuse.
This inability to see that there is abuser on the other side who is causing us to ruminate is called Gaslighting. Like in the movie from 1940s -
Even Dr Ramani wrote a book that is about to be published in few months time called It is not you.
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"Your own set of rules, that you have created for yourself based on previous experiences and how you want to be treated. You show with your actions on how you want to be treated."
okay.
What happens when we are in unfavorable power position and when we cannot enforce our rules - due to lack of money and due to violence threat.
Similar to Dorothy Stratten in 1980 when she enforced her rules and she got shot in the face as response to her rules and then her dead bloody corpse was raped.
Are you aware that enforcing rules leads to Femicide?
Do you have any awareness about what really happens in real life when we enforce rules at toxic job and in toxic relationships?
-
Who defines the evil?
What is evil?
Who places these definitions?
For example,
To Catholic Talibans - the definition of evil is masturbation and being gay. It is not beating your wife or trying to recover yourself after the rape by removing fetus.
Any normal and healthy person will know this is not evil - yet for almost 2000 years this was considered evil in toxic society with patriarchy.
Definition of evil leads to coercive control and manipulation and exploitation and taking advantage over weak and frail - everything that Jesus was against of.
-
YT "Coping with RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria): Psychologist Responds
"
around 8:00 - Who is Maya Kowalski and what is background story with her trial? If you mention random names, it would be great also to tell some short story about the mentioned person - for those of us who are not actually watching/wasting time on toxic Fox News or Variety Entertainment Tonight realityTV Kardashian nonsense.
17:00 Borderline and RSD - BPD actually has 4 sub-types. Quiet BPD sub-type is exactly the same as RSD, there is no difference between those two at all.
Impulsive Borderliners are narcissistic, while Quiet BPD is not being delusionally aggressive to others as narcissists are.
20:00 All mental health issues have toxic shame issues. This is not endemic to ADHD. It is only that impulsive borderliners and narcissists appear as if they do not have struggles with being weak and vulnerable - but this is only due to fake mask that they build up that appears to third party as being "strong" and alfa masculine without any sign of any kind of shame.
All in all,
IFS Model will help to any of these traumatized groups - RSD, BPD, even for psychopaths.
-
So due to exposure to constant error corrections punishments and put downs in early age when we were making errors that was a normal and healthy learning curve - we were operantly conditioned to trigger errors and flaws and mistakes with low self worth and toxic shame. Hence we end up with RSD and all interchangeable issues I wrote in text above.
I liked what you said about confidence.
Due to exposure to constant criticism and verbal abuse when making mistakes - we learned to depend on other people in order to feel validated and good about ourselves - and in the same time we get triggered when people criticize us and notice our mistakes and errors and we interpret them as personality disaster flaw. That is basically definition of social anxiety.
IT is lack of confidence in ourselves - since we do not have Self.
So IFS Model will help to understand what is actually happening and what to do about it to create Extinction of operant conditioning.
With fear of criticism - which is RSD and social anxiety definition - we won't be confident ever. We will fear reaction from others and this will keep us in limbo of being passive and isolated. And the worst thing to do is to listen to others - because anything we do in this state of self rejection and self hatred will result in catastrophe and more of anxiety and more of pain. We need to activate our core Self - so that we make decisions in life , without depending on other people's approval and validation. And that would be state of true confidence.
-
YT "5 Signs I Was Dealing with ADHD and 5 Things I did Once I Realized It | ADHD UnMasked"
15:11 "Accountability"
totally agree!
Even if we have "extreme sensitivity" - that does not mean our human rights are abolished automatically due to it, neither it means that this gives permission for bullies and psychopaths to hurt us and that they get some kind of a license for them to continue to cause us pain.
Instead of label "extreme sensitivity" I would rather focus on making bullies, psychopaths and sociopaths accountable for their anti-social behavior which is unacceptable and toxic.
When we get stuck with self blame and self hatred and self rejection for being "too sensitive" - we become the focus of problem that other people created and in the same time criminally insane predators walks away free with their crime, with hands in their pocket and whistling away as if they did nothing wrong.
Unfortunately ableist CBT and self help industry is based on victim shaming and victim blaming and it is based on toxic masculinity ideas of patriarchy where white entitled self righteous straight males are always correct ones, and in the same time everyone else is abnormal and needs chronic therapy for not being "strong" enough.
I believe 90 percent of RSD is based on real slights and real crossing of our boundaries and only 10 percent if not less is based on our triggers and fantasy and past drama which is running in our head in loops. We can actually validate it instead of feeling that our diagnosis means abolishment of our human rights.
-
YT "Coming Out Autistic - Why You Should You Get A Diagnosis
"
As I understand in America - as I read comments from Americans - it is hard and difficult if not impossible to receive official medical diagnosis in autism or ADHD or about trauma. They say it is expensive and not covered by insurance schemes in horrible American medical system.
Due to corrupt medical industry which is based on profit and keeping people sick and undiagnosed which is perfect match and scenario and formula for making pharma mafia rich.
I believe the same is true for poor states such as Balkan countries - where due to lethal combination in lack of formal education, mixed with wide spread psychopathy accepted as a socially desirable trait which allows predators getting managerial positions of making law and formal state decisions - autism is unknown concept, along with ADHD and trauma.
Unfortunately 90% of Balkan people believe autism is mental disease same as schizophrenia that must be cured and taboo topic not talked about much in public. I could only guess that rural and severely undeveloped places in the other parts of world think the same way.
-
(8.11.2023)
"aren't always 100 percent appropriate,"
This is the center of all problems and issues and confusion:
WHO defined what is appropriate?
Who is the person? Where is the guidebook?
Who tells what is okay and what is not okay?
As I said in my comment - if we are not serial killers, if we do not have hidden agenda or overt agenda to harm and cause pain and damage to others , if we are not anti-social - WHO the f* can tell you that you are wrong about anything?
Where is the boundary? Where this discipline and orders and commands will stop?
Shall we have the higher authority to tell us what is appropriate haircut like in Turkmenistan and North Korea?
Shall we have Putins to tell us what we do with our genitalia and whom shall we hate?
Do we need Witch burnings like in Mediaevel times?
This is very dangerous area -
when you put yourself in position to order people and command them what is appropriate - you are actually a psychopath. You desire power and control over masses and you have deep desire to manipulate them.
That is mental illness.
-
-you miss the point here.
The symptoms here are not for judgement or as a mechanism to take away your human rights.
They are here so that we light up the dark rooms in our unconsciousness.
When we have no idea what secret urges and desires are governing our panic, quick automatic decisions - we will repeat them as a compulsion over and over again.
Regarding the ACoA - first of all alcoholic hide their addictions, second of all, alcoholism does not have to be connected to alcoholism in order to be abusive:
-
"never make the assumption that everyone with social anxiety has it as a result of any one singular cause (such as childhood trauma"
I see it like this:
Social anxiety does not come out of thin air.
IT is not like we walk on a road and then decide out of whim to become intolerant to criticism.
This is result of abuse. It could not come out of nothing.
If it did come out of nothing - if it is genetical - it would be different.
There would be not only fear of criticism but it would be pervasive.
Socially anxious do not feel anxiety when they are 1-on-1. They do not feel anxiety when the other people are known to them and they know they are safe.
Those with brain and genetical and hormonal disorder - behave like impulsive borderliners and they feel stressed in no matter what social environment.
Social anxiety is complex trauma
-
That is something I do not understand.
If we are nice and kind - people feel safe enough with us to abuse us and put us down.
Yet if we are rude - then we are celebrated like kings and worshipped.
As if we need to treat people like garbage - and half of them will be infatuated with us, the other half will serve us due to trauma and panic with hidden grudge against us.
People in general will feel safe with psychopaths who are capable to declare war on Ukraine or Gaza or at Balkan nations or walls against Mexico - because they do not have courage to be aggressive - so they look up to monsters without conscience thinking that such psychopaths will guard them and protect them,
which is true for many abusive domestic abuse cases.
We as society need deep psychological education and reset, we have wrong conclusions about what is definition of strength and courage and whom we need to look up to
and we, as the planet - need deep information about psychopathy and psychopaths.
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YT "When Is A Split Not A Split?"
CBT will try to lobotomize us in order not to go over board.
Similar to Clockwork Orange book and movie - and there is Ludovico method which is CBT actually - and in the movie, the hooligan becomes pushover and is unable to defend himself when he is attacked - due to Ludovico Method where he is brainwashed to love and validate and accept everybody, even the abusers. That is what CBT and self help industry are doing - they are adding fuel to fire and making us sick.
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YT "Narcissists ALWAYS think you’re judging them
"
"I'm sometimes afraid of going outside because I'm afraid that my neighbors are going to see me and then judge me for my yard not being good." "I just assume people are judging me all the time."
That is social anxiety.
"You bring a complaint to narcissist or something that's hurting you in any way – concern, pity, we always assume this is you judging us and telling us we have to be better."
That is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
Both of them stem from exposure to ACoA ACE in childhood - exposure to relentless criticism and discipline all the time and error nitpicking in early age when errors were normal part of learning curve of knowing what is life and how to handle people and any action. We were punished for not being perfect doing something for the first time. Over and over again. Now this ends up as inner critic and toxic shame, motorizing social anxiety and RSD. Complex Trauma in short.
"I was in this head space of everyone thinks I'm weak and pathetic and they're judging me. I'm lashing out at people left and right. I had to call my buddies and you don't hate me, right? I'm convinced that I'm laughing stock everywhere because I feel like a failure all the time. This constnat feeling of just everyone thinks you're not good enough, everyone thinks you're pathetic and I can't escape it."
This is something that any social anxious person will confirm that they think about themselves - if they worked on psychology and dig inside them where anxiety is actually coming from.
""A lot of times in fairness I do deserve some of opinion. A lot of times some of these opinions are not even false. But just knowing that people have those ideas about me, those thoughts about me - I can't handle it"
What I learned in psychology - is that we were operantly conditioned into this hypnosis, it is programming. Like Pavlovian Dogs who start to salivate when they hear the bells, in the same manner - we become anxious when other people are having any kind of disapproving stance about us. This is conditioned in us through the exposure of relentless criticism and verbal abuse
24/7.
What I also learned - is that the reaction itself is an attempt of our moral and ethical standards inside us - to keep us on the right track - so that we stay good person who is not abusive and who does not hurt other people. That is the pain we are feeling - it is blockage from becoming a monster and psychopath. Without this pain - we would probably cause some kind of damage and hurt that could land us in jail and we'd regret it for eternity for lashing out in violent uncontrollable way.
Third thing I learned is that this is multitude of conditions - it is not only about us. It is really the other person -
people can have opinions, but it is their own psychopathy and lack of empathy that is crucial here. Normal, healthy and sane people would not hurt you, they would be careful and they would invest time and brain power to present their message in presentable package. Those people who are evil and those who have very low IQ and EQ - will not filter out their words - and they do not care about the feelings of other people around them. So it is a question of handling toxic people too. It is our high moral and ethical standards that are preventing us to express our outrage and anger and warning to toxic people mixed in with unfavorable power dynamics where toxic people can hurt us in some way - like losing our job or losing property or papers or contracts that they hold in their hands - so they blackmail us into silence and submission.
Also there is this operant conditioning where we learned in dysfunctional ambient the wrong belief that being angry and showing anger is equal to being a serial killer and tyranny - so we suppress it and try not to show it. As if - we were programmed to believe in false fact: that the only way to express anger is through abuse and screaming and chaos and drama and hysteria. Whereas in real life - we can actually express our anger with ultra kindness or humor or being frank, dead honest, without negative politeness (hiding the truth in order no to embarrass the other person who is source of injustice). We can actually both hate and love the other people in the same time. We were taught that if we hate someone that this means this person is bad and we must destroy them - and then we will try everything not to destroy them by being nice and passive aggressive and harming ourselves. While in reality - we can actually really really hate someone be angry at them and still respect them and honor their human rights in the same time.
In dysfunctional ambient we learned to be quiet and shut up and have grudge and hold onto grudge and never speak up - in order for not releasing the inner demon inside us - we don't want to hurt other person with our rage and anger. And this is bad and unhealthy and it keeps us into state of frenzy and being stuck and codependent.
With allowing our anger - our anger will tell us to relocate and to cut contact with toxic ambient and toxic people.
When we suppress our anger as reaction to someone being repeatedly disrespectful - we stay stuck with them, we do not move and we end up in worry and rumination, doing nothing solid, having no plans how to handle difficult people - but being codependent on them and their approval and opinions.
Anyone struggling with social anxiety and RSD and Quiet BPD - check out IFS Model, No Bad Parts book - it helps with issues like this, CBT will not help. Self help industry will not help. IT is about accepting our traumatized parts and listening to them and taking care of them instead of self rejection and self hatred that CBT is teaching us falsely.
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It is not about depending on other people and then not depending on other people. Because -
All extremes are wrong.
We can't go from caring about what other people think into another extreme - of not caring at all.
It is more a question of balance and harmony.
Without feedback from other people - we would not know where to correct our wrong actions -
if we never correct our wrong errors and flaws - we might build carbon-fibre submersible and then murder 4 people on the trip to Titanic - just because we chosen to ignore HSE warnings about carbon fibre.
Going from one extreme into other is BPD Splitting. It is unhealthy and dysfunctional.
As it is being said in this video - when we are obsessed about other people judging us - it is not actually the content of criticism but their emotion and mood and beliefs and ideas in their heads- that they will use in the future to reject us or contemplate a way to cause us harm in order to punish us for our past mistakes. This is called Unfavorable Power Dynamics - and it is at the root of NPD: that narcissists try to be in control and to manipulate others in order not to be controlled by others and not being depended on others.
When we focus on power and who is in charge - we don't have better goals in our life. Our only perspective in life is dysfunctional constant drama and wars and fights and trials in making other people submissive.
In order to be healthy - we need to interact with other people - and this means listening to them and caring what they think and what kind of opinions they do have. Being vulnerable.
Now the obvious question is - what kind of people we allow in our private life to be around with. If the other person is controlling and manipulative - it is clear that we need to break this contact and go away.
Where in this video - it is clear message - that we need to find healthy model how to handle people who are intrusive and yet with whom we cannot break contact - like job or neighbors or anyone outside that we might come into contact with - clerks, drivers, service personnel. Because their anger will trigger our trauma. Their criticism will hurt us.
AS it is being explained in this video.
IFS Model is teaching us if we have these specific issues about worrying about other people holding a bad opinion about us - that this is non-intuitively a matter of destroyed Self - we do not have our Self inside us. We have only a make-shift persona - but we do not rely on our inner GPS to make decisions in life - so we trauma bond with others.
Also,
when we listen to our hurt parts inside us - this means that the pain we feel is actually a mechanism that is trying to balance out the toxic people around us with poor support around us - like lack of finances, lack of shelter, lack of friendships, romance and family ties. So we need to understand that this pain and frustration is not bad monster - but simply a reaction to uncontrollable issues which are totally outside of our reach to do anything about them - and this means to let go of burden of responsibility that we were conditioned to hold.
So it is more complex than simply idea to deny and suppress and dissociate ourselves from other people's opinion.
As you said in your comment - it is about building our Self and making decisions in life from our common sense and learned knowledge and soothing ourselves and doing what we believe is the best without harming other people in the process.
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Yeah, I would remove any kind any type of criticism and replace it with critique.
I would remove any hint of judgement and being self righteous with being curious and having desire to learn and understand and comprehend.
And this applies to both our inner world and external when handling difficult emotions and difficult people who appear scary to us.
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YT "Your Body With Complex Trauma
"
Le Pera knows the basic of Complex Trauma - but handling it is still in the process for her.
She believes that the "cure" for trauma is to fight and become angry and to fight people. That is Fight trauma response - and it is still trauma.
healing trauma means accepting reality that toxic people exist and reality that we are not neither police nor mental institution that are responsible for correcting toxic people. This part La Pera does not understand so she mocks people pleasing and instructs us to replace it with Trump idea of building walls and being scared of other people who are on the other side of wall trying to make business with us.
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(9.11.2023)
"experience feeling shy and self-conscious around well-meaning individuals,"
Human beings are born only with 2 fears:
1) Fear of falling
and
2) Fear of loud noises.
We were not born with a fear from well-meaning individuals.
There had to be some kind of covert trauma, some forgotten series of incidents, operant conditioning where we develop a loss of confidence and ease in situations with "well-meaning" individuals.
What I have seen over and over again - is that people who have these paranoia issues - is that they never examined the cause, never invested actual time into learning psychology -
and when we do not have correct information - we tend to confabulate and scapegoat the most innocent and easiest scapegoat to place blame and guilt upon - which is "social anxiety" and us being "shy" and "over-sensitive".
In reality we could have neurodivergent mind - a fact which is hidden away by CBT industry and self-help industry.
This covers up ADHD and Autism and Narcissistic disorders.
When we have issues that prohibit our life- we really need to investigate and be curious what is happening. Like becoming Sherlock Holmes and pick up the clues and pieces of puzzles, and be like a scientist in a lab - where we examine the evidence. Instead of jumping to quick conclusions and leaning on our Anchoring bias and Confirmation Bias - which is really a bad idea.
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YT "Internal Family Systems and the Firefighter Parts = we want comfort now!
"
IFS is amazing. When we know why we have these unknown and mysterious urges - we are less prone to wrong conclusions and error decisions that we usually would base on our erratic reactions. It really makes sense that we are compassionate and we look at our parts as them having good intentions, as you said in video. Instead of discipline, blame, self hatred and self rejection. Self validation makes far more sense that it is common sense and normal and healthy response than having a regular learned programmed response in a form of drama and hysteria.
BTW I am learning about menopause in Kinnu app (it is app that has a various parts of knowledge database - like small mini encyclopedia - that we can learn about various random topics, which is actually kind of similar to IFS Model when we are curios about learning parts of life which we usually are not interested in to listen or reject learning anything about them) - and Kinnu says that chocolate is natural soother for women, so perhaps this is biological urge in your case, not psychological one?
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YT "STOP FEELING GUILTY FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
"
"Reasonable request"
That is the core issue - with trauma and abuse - we believe we are not reasonable. That is the core of guilt and panic when disliking and requesting something.
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" his way of showing how to not care what others think and be yourself."
We need to be careful with that.
This can easily end up as mental illness and abuse of others and harming ourselves, if we care along too much.
We might start to believe that smoking is really not that bad or doing hard drugs or harming others. This can turn into slippery slope.
In Ancient Greece, Digenesis also experimented about this total freedom - and his experiment ended up by pooping in public, urinating in streets, masturbating in theatre...
We need laws and orders.
We really cannot go from one extreme into another one.
We cannot go from North Korea into a banana republic.
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reaction to "These are all interchangeable:"
"wow that's alot to absorb 😮 i scanned quickly through it as I was overwhelmed by how much it triggered me as I have struggled with narcissiticabuse aswell as emotinal abuse for a very long time and seeing it highlighted by you was good but also made me feel how manipulated I was & that I allowed some of that to happen 😢"
RSD is based on experiencing injustice and toxic people.
Then society, like this video here or CBT - will try to lobotomize us into neutrality and self blame and self rejection and belief that we hallucinated the abuse.
The abuse was real and our anger must be addressed and channeled.
The CBT idea of Moral Relativism allows psychopaths like Putin or Trump or Tories into power - and that is why toxic society presses the victims and targets of abuse to shut up and feel self blame and self hatred - so that psychopaths rule over us in Pathocracy.
Instead of this CBT idea of self flagellation - I am inviting anyone struggling with trauma to self validate.
IFS Model works and it will answer our questions that CBT tries to gaslight and manipulate us away from knowing.
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(10.11.2023)
Those who grew up with ACoA and ACE will develop Complex Trauma - and then other people's anger and mood swings and any kind of disapproval will appear as personal fault, blame and toxic shame. This is called Social anxiety trauma, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and Quiet BPD. The core of personality is gone and instead it is replaced with depending on other people to love you and accept you and validate you - which is called Trauma Bonding.
This is trauma - that is how exposure to repeated verbal abuse ends up, during childhood our psyche is required to grow up and develop in ambient of love and acceptance and validation. When this does not happen - the psyche will develop hyper-sensitivity to other people and their emotions, called Codependency.
On the other hand,
in this case when a person is scared that he or she will be kidnapped - when there is no national scare of kidnapping, terrorism or any kind of serial killer roaming around - since this fear is irrational and not based on actual cases of mass kidnapping - then this is a brain disorder called schizophrenia - which means that person's brain interpret random data as a specific danger without any trauma that triggers it or actual danger being present.
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"How do you live like that?"
Socially anxious find workarounds:
mostly through isolation and avoiding life, not going out, not forming friendships.
When accused of something - you admit your wrong doing even if not guilty.
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" I have judged myself as uncaring and wrong for leaving people, when there were abusive undertones"
Yep,
this is due to toxic shame - we believe we are guilty for anything that moves - due to exposure to ACoA and ACE while growing up.
We were programmed to believe that if something bad happens - it is because we did not do exact correct thing that we ought to do.
And if we did something - that it is always wrong, whatever we done.
Plus there is a false belief which appears as correct one: that we are responsible for other person's emotional world and that we must cure their anger.
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" She is in therapy for cptsd, agoraphobia and bad anxiety. "
If she interprets words as conflict - this means she is misdiagnosed, too.
She obviously has Borderline disorder on top of it all. BPD is split into 4 sub-types and quiet BPD does not look as BPD and many therapist misdiagnose it as something else.
If she cannot handle argument and facts, this is a clear sign she does not have Self, she has no personality, no persona. It is a fake one, make-shift that depends on approval and validation from other people - so any critique is very painful and hurtful and stressful - since her whole persona is transferred into other people around her.
I would give her book "No Bad Parts" and education about Borderline disorder to start with - if she is open for getting her life back.
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"it isn’t for sure and many come across as not until you get to know them."
Correct.
Narcissists, psychopaths, parasites - they wear fake mask.
They also scan a potential partner and they know what weak points are and voids - and then they love bomb like a cult with words which traumatized wounded person needs to hear - that is how red flags are missed.
The very fact that some person appears perfect and without a mistakes and caring and empathic is red flag itself.
True authentic person will be clear and honest - which may appear as being somewhat rude.
It is due to trauma and abuse in childhood (ACoA and ACE) is that we walk wounded and then hook up on people who mask their true agenda - and then we end up with psychopaths over and over again, since we seek unconsciously fake people who appear as Disneyland to us.
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"There are no benefits to conflict. Arguing/fighting ends jobs,"
That is true - however with trauma and abuse - any feedback and critique (not criticism) will appear as conflict to us.
We meld it all together and we fuse normal interaction with abuse and wars - they all appear the same to us due to exposure to ACoA and ACE while growing up.
Our mechanism of interpretation reality is malfunctioning due to massive exposure to psychopaths while growing up.
For example - Rush Stockton - for him any information about carbon fibre being dangerous appeared as conflict to him. Then he fired safety managers who warned him that it will end up as catastrophe. In June this year , this inability to hear critique - made him into mass murderer and now he is dead too.
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"I really do not have the tools for all kinds of relationships"
I would guess we rather miss tools to stop healing our wounds with people who appear as Disneyland to us - someone who appears as good and nice and sexy to us - while in the same time we ignore deny and suppress crucial information which was banned to talk about or focus on in childhood - like safety, validation, acceptance, how this potential partner is treating his mother, waiter in a bar, cleaners in the streets, other drivers. Instead we focus on their temporary love bombing and promises - while we miss plethora of crucial data - which we never learned in ACoA ACE childhood.
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YT "How to set boundaries as a people-pleaser (+FREE pdf)"
What happens when we depend on our job or task to be done from a hysterical person who repeatedly steps over our boundaries and doesn't listen to our request that they stop screaming - and they do it day after day?
Like having toxic job with a lot of bullying that we cannot quit due to finances?
Or having toxic family members which we cannot block due to other family members who are frail, old, too young and need our support by keeping the contact?
Or making a list of chores and demands to be done in a system that is harmful for us on daily basis - and without it we cannot get papers, visa, bureaucracy, property, ownership etc.
So inability to quit toxic ambient is first problem.
The next problem is emotional and trauma.
I am talking about toxic shame here.
People pleasing is the same inability to tolerate hysterical people as narcissists also do have the same inability - but they deal with this by being toxic and aggressive. We deal with this trauma by attacking ourselves through self blame and self rejection.
With toxic shame we feel automatic and quick immediate Rejection Sensitivity that is painful and it sets us up to quit living, isolate ourselves and feel shame and blame.
These things you did not mention in this video - and it is not your fault.
Those two crucial elements are unknown and mysterious to the general public, especially to CBT - and they are dismissed with simply being a victim and with an attitude about who cares for a person who has no money to leave.
Those of us who were not born with silver spoon in our mouth - do not have Self installed inside us. We simply did not have money to built security and safety that most people have.
Like - if someone doesn't like a job - they quit it and find another one. In rural parts and poor countries this finding another job is science fiction - and people are forced to live in oppression and put downs and narcissistic abuse both at home and in society - especially in shame culture countries.
For anyone shuffling with these two core ACoA ACE Quiet BPD issues - I would suggest learning IFS Model and No Bad Parts book.
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(11.11.2023)
word Salad.
When we do not have short, concise explanations how and where to grow - we will get lost in the labyrinth.
Ebbinghaus Forgetting Curve will do its job - and as soon as any panic, trouble or error happens - all our knowledge will be forgotten and gone.
So instead of word ensalada we need IFS Model - it is concise, clear and sets us up to correct path of being our own GPS compass instead of depending on millions of notes and steps and how to's.
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"Once you face your fears your fear becomes faced"
Nope.
Once we face our fears - we will notice what is the problem - and problem will be there until we learn how to overcome it.
If we have no idea how to name the problem - the unconsciousness will compel us to repeat the same mistakes over and over again .- until we learn.
-
(12.11.2023)
" I noticed I got stressier than normal when I did vipassana "
IFS Model tells us that this happens due to many parts inside us that are traumatized and they are in conflict with each other due to inner criticism and internalized toxic shame (Deep self hatred and deep self rejection).
That is why self-help and mediation will not work - it will make things worse.
We need to soothe the civil war inside ourselves in order to be our full Self.
-
(13.11.2023)
Self help books do not help - they only mask real and serious conditions. Self help industry only helps the author of it, it helps financially and parasiting on other people's unhealed trauma by making it permanently unhealed.
Self help is based on denial, suppression and dissociation, all negative and dysfunctional coping mechanisms that lead to mental illness.
-
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma- unresolved reaction to abuse and bullies and mobbing.
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YT "This 1 trick cured my social anxiety"
What happens when we do go out there, go into the world - and we do the exact thing that would trigger the social anxiety - and it ends up being yelled, rejected, thrown out and abused?
Social anxiety is not a matter of talking to a vagina. That is issue related to Attachment Styles issues.
Social anxiety is being struck at toxic job with mobbing 24/7 without ability to quit this job due to finances. So exposure to feared situation does not remove trauma - it accumulate it instead: exposure to put downs, narcissistic abuse, mobbing, bullying all the time - even on phone and at weekends, there is no rest period - but abuse all the time. Exposure to abuse will not make us healthy.
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YT "Do you have a healthy relationship with your social anxiety? #socialanxiety #anxiety #mentalhealth"
That is IFS Model.
That will help with social anxiety.
That we form alliance with our traumatized exiled parts and protectors inside us.
Unfortunately this is a very complex to explain to someone who is panicked - mostly teens and adults who never read any book about psychology and find it boring. So the message about IFS Model needs to be translated to panicked and bored people - so that they understand it.
With social anxiety trauma and panic - person who is triggered will not be aware that there are many parts in conflict inside our mind, like a civil war. Instead - social anxiety appears as if we are in danger and that we are too abnormal and incompetent to handle life and toxic people and that we must hide, isolate or fawn to narcissists who trigger our social anxiety.
Without IFS Model information - we tend to interpret social anxiety as personality flaw, abnormality in soul and something to be ashamed of and hide away - which increases the panic and toxic shame already present inside.
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YT "Abby Roberts on her social anxiety & 'exposure therapy' #abbyroberts #shorts #anxiety
"
CBT Exposure will not help at all - because we will continue forcing our learned coping mechanism.
Therefore - exposure will lead to pain and hurt and we will likely become either totally passive or hysterical Karen.
With Exposure - we will simply Mask our nerodivergency and we will make trauma to be Functional - but trauma will fester inside - since it is not sanitized and cleaned.
Instead of ableist CBT - there is IFS Model that actually works and helps with social anxiety.-
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1) "Practical" cold showers are not so practical when we are exposed to narcissistic abuse and bullied at toxic job that lasts for 12 hours daily. A toxic job that we cannot quit due to finances.
2) Self help industry helps only to the authors - who get rich by talking nonsense that does not work in real life at all. Self help industry is a scam.
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"what do those reasons have to do with social anxiety?"
It is obvious that you do not know what is social anxiety.
You think social anxiety is talking to chicks and getting them to bed and being scared of girls.
Nope.
Social anxiety stems from abuse, mobbing and bulling, ACoA and ACE - so socially anxious feel anxiety in social anxiety due to sheer amount of punishments over long period of time.
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YT "Deep Thinking🌱 #youtubeshorts #shorts #facts
"
In reality - there are abusers who use coercive control and gaslighting that make the target to over think as y byproduct of narcissistic abuse which is mostly covered up and blamed upon the target of abuse.
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Fawning is trauma response.
IT is not something that we can "work on". Trauma requires our validation and acceptance and love. Not discipline training nor judgment.
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"Wow… I didn’t realize how terrible I am until right now.
"
The idea that we place judgement of crime and psychopathy upon our trauma is really bad idea and it leads to mental illness, codependency and severe toxic shame.
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"Why do I do this?"
Due to ACoA while growing up.
" I need help,"
IFS Model - "No Bad Parts" book
"it's codependency"
IT is Fawning, trauma response.
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Fight response is still trauma response, as much as Fawning.
We cannot heal trauma with going from one extreme into another extreme.
Healing and being healthy means being in the spectrum and balanced and being open to people.
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The state of confusion makes us prime target to abuse. Anyone stuck in confusion is easy to manipulate. They do this by being cruel, sadistic and enjoying it - while we try to fix their anger and mood swings as we were programmed in AcoA ACE childhood.
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(14.11.2023)
"how acoa teach to fix others? 0.o"
That is the confusion itself.
In romance or friendship - unlike job or family - we have full control to recognize and kick out the toxic people.
IT is the confusion stemming from ACoA that make us trust too much to people who appear perfect and love bomb us.
ACoA does not mean alcohol - it is neglect, verbal abuse - but mostly neglect, that close people around us think of us as object to use, that we serve as robots to them and there is no love.
If we have seen the model of love and appreciation and validation - we would never seek those voids in parasites who wear mask and play pretend to be those parts that are hurting inside us that were never fulfilled in close relationships when we were growing up.
ACoA sets us up mentally (making us confused about our own worth and what we tolerate) to receive the narcs of this world.
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@veronicatiffany777 That rhetoric is too general
" parents teach us to be nice and to be a good girl but not mention boundaries."
If our parents taught us to discipline ourselves - we would become robots and psychopaths.
We would expect that life is a slave ride on a boat where our only purpose in life is to row for our masters above while they have orgies and alcohol every evening.
If our parents explained to the innocent child about parasites and toxic people - we would develop serious attachment style issues and avoidance and social anxiety trauma. We would never ever take any risk and we would be obsessed with being perfect in life and any error would be seen and perceived as a catastrophe - and we would end up with OCD -
cleaning everything and making rituals to have boundaries.
This boundaries ideology is very dangerous.
It is part of trauma.
The better approach is to recognize that our fear of not having boundaries stem from abuse - where we were programmed and conditioned to believe that
1) we must be perfect without flaws and errors
2) that is flaws and errors occur we must hide them, be ashamed of them and panic about them
3) that our worth is associated in how other people treat us - which leads to codependency and Quiet BPD deep self hatred grudge and rejection sensitivity dysphoria issues (inability to experience criticism)
So the better question is how to make traumatized parts of ourselves accepted and loved - instead of isolating them and making them protected in self imposed boundaries - from the fear of experiencing hurt from toxic people.
This way we give too much power to toxic people to shape our hypervigilance, choices and decisions in life which they should not have any insight or approval of any sort to begin with - we make toxic people part of our brain and they become decision makers in our life - for we shape and mold our life and social life in accordance of where toxic people may be or how they may act to us - we become abuser-centered and we try to people please toxic people by avoiding them and being in constant fights with them.
This boundary ideology is creating so much mental illness loops and CBT therefore must be banned along with self help industry - since this approach is creating too much psychological damage to the traumatized targets of abuse.
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This is extremely complex - it is not wonder so many people struggle with trauma, and many people have no idea that they are struggling with trauma at all, they simply feel yucky for no apparent reason to them.
In the same time - we must acknowledge the hurt and feel the love for ourselves. This is DBT skill - that we allow two contradictory emotions to exist in the same time.
With trauma we have learned coping mechanism of BPD Splitting - where when we are hurt we see only black, There is no spectrum.
This way we become distrustful of the whole world and we refuse to put ourselves in other people shoes to wonder and be curious why they are toxic.
In many cases - this will cause unnecessary drama and isolation - because we do not allow other people to experience any negative emotion -
if they do - our BPD Splitting kicks in and we label any miserable or pathetic person as abnormal, sick, evil and enemy.
And we repeat the same treatment inside our own body and mind -
when we feel attacked or ashamed - we label this as abnormality and weakness and we try to overcompensate through addictions or worry or being perfectionist.
This black and white thinking must go - we need to become aware that life is in spectrum , it is in a shade of gray.
When we are stuck in black and white thinking - we will tend to be in defensive mode and have mood swings - because erratic, addicted and sick people will appear as monsters and our life and our decisions in life will become codependent on their moods and emotions and we will either enter into wars with random people around us - or become passive and people pleaser and fawn to them. AS if there is no gray area where we are allowed to experiment and get curious and become Sherlock Holmes to pick up the clues and be like scientist in a lab where we investigate what is going on - and then make rational decision based on the evidence - not our automatic splitting.
Anyone struggling with these issues - start with No Bad Parts book and IFS Model.
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We need to learn that our trauma and fears and panic and self blame stems from ACoA.
IF we are not aware of this fact, we will tend to self blame ourselves with inner criticism and we will tend to personalize toxic people as if it is our own fault for them being toxic, that we somehow invited them and provoked them to be toxic.
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YT "ADHD RSD Signs & Symptoms...Plus RSD Coping Strategies for ADHD Entrepreneurs"
In my case, I discovered (after detailed and long search) that my RSD stems from exposure to relentless repeated criticism from childhood onwards into adulthood about anything important and not important where random error is being presented as drama and hysteria by the verbal abuser - such as being in toxic dysfunctional ambient of ACoA ACE and Shame Culture Country - where the way of communicating with other people is through being intrusive and critical and mocking the other person's apparent flaws.
When someone is verbally abusing us over and over again, we are trained to worry and to ruminate and to feel responsible to fix anyone coming at us with anger mood swings.
So my discovery is that IFS Model helps with RSD. (internal Family Systems) - which was invented in 1980s but medical industry and self help industry is keeping this information hidden - since nobody would make profit on our trauma otherwise if we are healed and sane and have tools to understand what is truly going on.
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YT "Why am I so Sensitive - Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
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I would like to add that IFS (Internal Family Systems) Model works for RSD and trauma and social anxiety issues. No Bad Parts book is excellent start and many empathic videos about IFS also.
CBT unfortunately does not recognize Complex Trauma as a concept and it is based on ableism - CBT will insist that our triggers are us being "too.sensitive" and that we are imagining it all - while in case of narcissistic abuse and ACoA this message is extremely damaging since it is based on self blame and self rejection - so this is like throwing fuel into fire as an attempt to stop fire - CBT will lead to explosions.
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YT "Unmasking Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in Adult ADHD with Dr. Bill Dodson and Beth Bardeen (part 1)"
"9:44" 2018
This is interesting, right about In the same time - I was scanning relentlessly You tube videos about social anxiety, avoidance, fears and panic -
I am doing this on weekly basis - I scan at least 10 videos based on a topic related to RSD -
and I have NEVER EVER heard in any of those millions and millions of videos that I watched from 2016 until 2023 that anyone ever mention the RSD. Ever.
Neither Complex Trauma. Nor Dysregulation. Nor trauma being in any way called out as a thing that is connected with anyone struggling with emotions. Absolutely no data, no mention, nothing - nada.
For example, WikiHow gives us unnecessary and irrelevant CBT data about denial and suppression of emotions as the only way how to handle fears. CBT will tell us that we are too sensitive and that we are imagining the danger - which is stupefying and demeaning for anyone stuck in narcissistic abuse ambient and Shame Culture Country - where being intrusive and mocking is a way of daily communication.
Or PureOCD is explained away as something that we handle with will power and self discipline - which of course leads to more self rejection and self hatred in the end.
That is so frustrating.
IT is as if we are being blinded on purpose and kept in darkness by mass media and general lack of education and crucial nutritional information - which is out there - we are simply not receiving it.
It is like being starved out while in the same time food being thrown to garbage by general population.
IFS (internal family systems) Model works for RSD - and it exists since 1980s. 1980s! And I've learned about it only a few months ago and read No Bad Parts book - which explains and gives directions about RSD issues. Nobody mentioned IFS at all.
For shame!
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YT "Episode 27: Inside Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria: Insights on RSD, Mental Health, & Relationships
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around 19:00 "Where not being actually rejected"
Okay this comes up quite often.
We can divide RSD in those people who have no idea that this concept exists - and those people do not know about trauma and their potential source of information is only CBT and self help industry that only interprets any psychological issues from dispositional attribution. Those people will over-react and they will feel RSD from people who appear sinister but they are not in reality.
On the other hand - people who actually learn about RSD, people who actually listen to podcasts like this one, those who are educated about trauma and they know about emotional regulation - and they still feel RSD - it will be due to narcissistic abuse and unfair power dynamics. It is not imaginary. The threat is really there. Toxic people are really there - we are not over-reacting.
In fact toxic people, predators and narcissists will explain us that we are over-reacting in order to make us passive and submissive and that we are not talking about the abuse nor the abuser. Psychopaths use CBT information in order to shut up and censor the targets of their abuse. This way psychology is weaponized against the victims of abuse.
around 24:00 "medication provides emotional armor, or regulation to engage tools"
Okay, this is second toxic framework that parasites on RSD:
Nope - medication works only for pharma mafia that is sponsoring themselves and it does not help at all.
Again, people who are actually listen to RSD and learn about it - they are OVER regulated. There is too much of regulation, too much of control. IT is totally unnecessary and damaging to add more and more regulation.
Dysregulation does not mean only lack of regulation. The definition of Dysregulation also combines and over-regulation, too.
Dysregulation can be over-regulation and no regulation at all.
It is really disturbing that in 47 minutes you never mention the true cause of RSD:
ACoA and ACE, there is no mention of trauma no narcissistic abuse and exposure to verbal abuse over and over again, relentless criticism from early age and being exposed to nitpicking and error micromanaging, being exposed to untreated mentally ill parents and authority figures.
You mention only in this 47 minutes that RSD is being over-sensitive and it is a hallucination that must be destroyed and never listened to nor understood at all.
Even at around 37:00 narcissism is laughed and mocked as imaginary concept that has nothing to do with RSD.
For shame!
That is victim blaming straight from CBT. CBT ought to be banned.
At around 38 minutes the male speaker starts to talk about RSD being connected to oppression and mobbing - and the female speaker - goes into CBT mantra of RSD being perfectionism and people pleasing and avoidance.
Perfectionism and people pleasing and avoidance are COPING mechanisms - they are reactions to toxic people in unfavorable power dynamics.
Many people do not have option to quit toxic jobs nor leave toxic families due to lack of money -
and CBT does not mention situational attribution at all. That is so frustrating -
it is like listening to Trump when he was President , he just spews utter nonsense and makes bad decisions after another and you just listen to it without any ability to shake him up and put his criminal butt into prison where it belongs.
CBT will tell us that our "dysregulation" is due to "cognitive distortions" and "catastrophizing". This ableist wrong explanation will set us up in belief that we are abnormal and that we are sick people to our core, that we cannot rely on our brain in making decisions and seeing reality - that we cannot see reality with our brain - and the only way to function is to be on medication all the time. That is self abuse.
99% of people have bias and prejudices - this is not endemic to RSD as CBT will explain away social anxiety.
CBT is based on denial, repression, suppression and that leads to mental illness, it is not healthy to mask our trauma and make it functional - since unhealed trauma will fester, our decisions in life will be based on trauma beneath the water, that we do not see.
IFS Model exists since 1980s. 1980s! IFS Model helps with RSD and social anxiety trauma.
And none CBT nor self help industry will tell this at all.
Instead we are being explained away by medical mafia that we are abnormal and sick for reacting to toxic people and abuse.
So that we waste tons of money on books and therapy that does not work at all but keeps us stuck and in loop of self rejection and self hatred.
You talk about RSD only through the prism of romantic relationship and fantasy job where we are the boss.
In reality - RSD is linked to toxic family members and mobbing, abuse and oppression at work and toxic shame culture countries and ambient.
In real life - we will always try to solve and see what is happening and look for solutions - but the toxic people will not be interested in this.
Listening to the female speaker is really frustrating - her belief in CBT is simply horrendous especially as she labels herself as Autistic.
CBT and neurodivergent person who believes in it - is the same analogy of a Jew seeking human rights information from Nazi HQ in Berlin during WW2. CBT is white entitled privilege therapy that will work only for a rich heterosexual white male - born with silver spoon in his mouth - that will get any job whenever , who will never be abused at work and his pay check will be much higher than anyone who is not white str8 male.
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(15.11.2023)
Another term for this is Attachment Styles issues.
We need good quality psychology education.
Unfortunately medical industry in psychology is based on Mediaevel techniques such as CBT - that make more damage than help.
IFS Model helps with trauma. IFS exists since 1980 but it is hidden away from us - since traumatized people stuck in trauma loop are easy to manipulate and scare away - so criminals walk around hands free - since they do not have any opposition - since we cocoon ourselves into isolation and avoidance from life.
Then evil people like Trump or Putin come into power.
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Sure, we need to follow our gut, and instincts and listen to them when we detect danger.
however we need to be realistic too and less egocentric.
This poor man that goes door to door is probably poor and frustrated for getting rejected door slam one after another.
That would make anyone mad - if repeated enough time.
Another thing that is important - is how we behave and act towards people who can do nothing for us is important. If we treat them as dogs - then we are psychopaths and abnormal, something is wrong in our head because we do not have functional empathy.
Thirdly,
being realistic means - what are the odds of us being attacked by serial killer who goes door to door selling magazines? How much serial murderers are out there? What kind of country we live in that pumps out so much serial killers and rapists? Then this means that something is horribly wrong with USA capitalist system and needs to change.
And if we cocoon ourselves into our shell - there will be no change - since people with low IQ and low EQ won't change themselves not they will be taken accountable for their crimes - if we are isolated in our homes while serial killers and pathocracy has been in police, judicial system and politics, also known as pathocracy.
Fourthly -
we all come to our end eventually.
We all get hurt without justice and without being it fair.
Do we really want to live our life in plastic wrap so that furniture never gets stained?
What kind of life is that?
If our time has come - maybe that is not so bad.
When we are really old - we might be disabled so much that other people should wipe our old butt and we might develop cancer and many body issues which are painful and hurtful - who would want to live 120 if we are unable to move and live in terrible conditions.
If our time has come because we live in violent state that allows criminals to walk around - perhaps we need to put ourselves on the line and be willing to die for the ideals and being brave and courageous - instead of living in panic, PureOCD and worry and rumination and walking on eggshelves until we are 120 years old.
Something to think about.
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Rejecting people and inner parts that tell us the truth leads to mental illness and psychopathy such as narcissism. Living in delusional world and addictions.
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YT ""Toxic" people; Identifying them and healing."
I would like to contribute to some data which may help someone that were not mentioned in the video:
1) There are shame culture countries. Google it. The world is generally divided in Shame and Guilt Cultures.
In fact, there is another video that I am about to watch called "Rituals of 'Guilt and Shame' in Russia" by Ukranian TV.
Ukraine belongs to Guilt based culture country, while Russia is part of Shame based countries.
In Europe - it is only the Balkans that belong to Shame Culture - and it is interesting to see how economy reflects the well fare and well being and financial status too - poor countries (except Japan) are shame based. Whereas Guilt Culture countries are in large number rich and prosper and belong to democracy party system.
2) It is my own personal observation - that perhaps toxic people are wounded in childhood and they may change - that alongside of them - that there are totally separate category of dangerous people - those who are evil. They are not crazy, they have no biological disorder - they are simply evil. I believe that if we are not aware of this fact, we will tend to bond with anyone - and evil people make schemes and agenda and they learn psychology to cheat people and to mask them being evil.
Which leads to my third point
3) How we handle difficult people? If we serve as a helper to them and that we must accept them - toxic people will be toxic anyways. So - basically our intervention into other people - unless we are therapist - is actually manipulation and control of others and it is evil, it is toxic to force someone to change their will and thinking. Because they will only mask it, like a scorned child - and then this grudge will fester and end up as explosion eventually. So I would take into account Illusion of control concept, too.
4) In your video you said a message to toxic person. But.. what is all of us others - who are forced to be around toxic people - and we cannot protest to them - due to femicide, or being punished and there is unfavorable power dynamics - such as toxic job that we cannot quit due to finances or toxic family members who are intrusive and put us down and mock us and ashame us in front of others, gossip behind our back etc. How we are suppose to handle toxic people - when we cannot control them obviously, and we cannot defend ourselves - since it will explode in our face, and yeah I would agree that cancel culture will make toxic people more dangerous - they will continue being evil and bad and toxic due to society dismissing them and rejecting them over and over again.
We are here in dead end position - where doing nothing with toxic people will make them continue being toxic. If we speak up - there will be Karen hysteria drama and nothing will resolve.
I love how you divide toxic people into those with or without personality disorder. So - my 4th observation is how to handle those toxic people with personality disorder: that they are rigid, they blame others and they never see problem in their own behavior nor they can handle feedback data at all. I guess there is no smart solution to that - especially as I said when we are inside unfavorable power dynamics - where toxic person is in charge and authority.
5) I would add that Borderline disorder is divided in 4 sub types. And there is a Quiet BPD - which does not appear as Borderline at all. Quiet BPD is more like severe social anxiety trauma that is self internalized and there is no violence towards other people as it is usually seen in other BPD types.
The discovery of Quiet BPD helped me to discover IFS Model - which helps a lot, and I would encourage anyone struggling with trauma and issues such as social anxiety panic.
For me personally -
I do struggle with toxic people - I have no idea how to handle them.
Like in a job situation - where a boss or customer or colleague is toxic to us - when they yell and scream and accuse and nitpick and expect that we are not allowed to make any kind of mistakes, that when we do something for the first time - that is must be perfect - or else there is yelling and screaming and blaming and vulgarity put downs.
I struggle with this toxic shame - that I cannot remove shame and guilt from myself - when someone is angry I feel responsible and I feel like I must fix the other person in order for them to be happy and this is the only focus I can concentrate on.
I learned this is the result of exposure to ACoA and ACE ambient - constant and relentless criticism in childhood.
For example - I struggle with social anxiety issues so I have difficulty of processing and handling yelling and screaming and hysterical and grudgeful and judgmental, and intrusive people. So I would like to try business ventures - but I get panicked if for example I should work with close contact with someone who may be violent and rude and aggressive to me - like any service type of job.
Which leads to the 6th point
6) I believe that shame-based people especially in shame Culture - they during life and troubles and stress - they start to notice that they are serving others through people pleasing - especially in difficult times such as job loss or partner leaving - and then one day they snap and they decide to stop this.
But they do it by going to another extreme - by putting other people down and being extremally selfish. So they believe that they have "cured" their people pleasing issues - but instead they created a personality disorder here, because they consciously choose a rigid response how they treat and handle and communicate with other people - that is motorized by a false belief that they are macho and strong and courageous when they put other people down, when they blame others and when they find faults and criticism in other people to make other people submissive and passive and silent.
In reality - there are still shame-based - it is only covered up and masked and it serves a fuel for their disorder without them being aware of it.
I noticed this in self help industry - La Pera is an author about "trauma informed" - but she is propagating the information that we must set boundaries by not being nice. That is what it will lead to disorder - because each event, each person is different and any new situation is different one. We cannot copy-paste the same exactly the same recipe on anything that is happening around us - it is not functional and it doesn't work. I tried to explain this to her via comments on Twitter but she could not understand what I am talking about. She kept repeating how trauma was being exposed to bad treatment as child and now as adult, according to her - all people pleasing is bad and we always must say no whenever we want to in order to be protected and safe.
Which as you said in this video - is shame based : since it is external locus of control: that we base our security on how other people exist around us- other people become our refence point, instead of our common sense and intelligence and gut feeling and inspection and curiosity and scientific data. It is really bad idea that we base any action and decision on permission or anger of another random person around us - instead of doing what we know as sane healthy person is good action to undertake.
7) And lastly - learning IFS Model - I learned that we need to support and validate our brain. If our brain feels that someone is toxic and we must cut some person out - I would not argue much with this decision.
Even if we are wrong - we are not suppose to be perfectionist. We are also work in progress and we all operate with less data than computer - so we cannot know everything - and most often our decisions in life will be wrong due to lack of crucial data and urgency in making quick decisions, especially at work or performing any task in life that requires our immediate response - like operating machinery or looking after a vulnerable people etc. For example it is better to be hysterical and unreasonable if we feel that some strange random person in the street may hurt our child - than allowing hours and hours of analysis of whether we are delusional and paranoid. I would go easy on ourselves, especially if we have unresolved trauma issues that we get triggered with and struggle with.
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". I am ruthless if a line is crossed and will door slam these individuals if possible."
But as I see it - this is paradoxically still people pleasing behavior.
because
1) you are basing your reaction on another person
2) you depend on other person to be ruthless.
So the other person is controlling you - even though it does not appear as such from your point of view.
This is the problem with boundaries. When we build Trump Walls - we are going along with mass hysteria and belief that immigrants will come and take our jobs - which is not realistic at all, it is delusion and paranoia - so we will decide to build walls and door slam toxic people - without realizing that our happiness and wellbeing and hypervigilance depends on toxic people.
When people are criminally insane and evil and when they use coercive control - they will do it by being nice and by fulfilling our voids so that we trust them. They will lie to us and mask their disorder - and we will allow them into our private space - we will provide them with data, money, power, control - until it is too late and when we have formed contracts and shared property or off-springs with them or ideas or venture. Toxic people will show their true face when we are cornered and when door slam will not work - because of legal issues or taking care of children or elderly.
We do live in unjust world where injustice is part of daily life. If we decide to door slam and push people and isolate ourselves on every slight appearance of danger - we will end up as I did - with social anxiety trauma.
We already do posses boundaries and door slam - it is inside us. Our words, our actions, our honest, our authenticity - will always repel toxic people - and they will go parasite on people who are hiding secrets and who are afraid of other people. Toxic people know how to manipulate and control anyone. Our only immunity against the viruses is self immunity: true Self - that IFS model explains.
IFS models also explains that when we reject and push traumatized parts - inside our body or in external life - such as toxic people - that we are creating future drama and explosions and we make evil to fester since we don't know what is happening - since by suppressing and through denial we are creating delusional world filled with paranoia.
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" even they are ‘toxic’, they still teach me lessons in life"
This is true - but I would say that toxic people may make us too much focused on them.
We actually can allow ourselves to divide more time and focus and energy on "good" people - and say no to toxic people more than our guilt or shame would allow us to say.
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my 8th observation is about John Bradshaw.
I got his book in 1998 or 1999 - and I never get it. IT did not help me much. He presented toxic shame as something that cannot be healed easily. He never mentioned IFS Model - that was invented in 1980s and IFS model is amazing help with toxic shame and trauma - he never talks about it. Instead he proposes 12 steps - which he never connected with ACoA.
His book was made as if trauma is equal to extreme cases of incest in family - which is misleading.
Trauma is being exposed to relentless ongoing criticism about the smallest errors that we naturally make in age when we are learning life.
I got feeling that his book was more like a pamphlet how to develop toxic shame if you never had it. And then do nothing about it since all methods that he wrote does not help at all.
In his book he scatter all sorts of data and facts without connecting them as if we are in a free market and we have showcase of disorders of all sorts just to get their names and nothing deeper about them.
For example, he barely mentions egocentrism concept - but never pinpoints the fact that this is extremely important concept to learn - and he does not offer us any valid description of egocentrism - except describing it as a house without walls - which is abstract and too vague.
What bothered me the most about his book - is that he never explicitly said that toxic shame is hallucination - it is not true, it is not valid, it is not entity, it is not spirit - it is a construct , it is made up and programmed through operant conditioning.
Instead he fed us with idea that toxic shame is when our mother is measuring our genitalia and laughs about it. This happens to 0,00005% of world population - so anyone struggling with toxic shame will say, well I never lived in such crazy family , so I do not qualify for toxic shame.
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(16.11.2023)
There is a crucial and huge difference in "saying no" and door slam.
With door slam:
- I am making the toxic person as God. This means I put them on pedestal. Like Ironic Processing Theory - when I try to stop thinking about Pink Elephant what happens paradoxically is that I end up thinking obsessively about it all the time just because I try to block it. Jung said: what we resist, it persists.
- I am making my conscience be on high alert all the time. Now I must be careful what I speak and to whom I speak about, in order not to mention the name of affected person - since it could lead to conversation and data that I do not want to hear (such as enemy's financial status, marital status, job status, location, whom they talk and meet with etc)
- Now I am signaling my brain that any person that is slightest similar to the enemy - that this new person is also a virus and I must invest a lot of energy and focus in blocking the whole new range of people. So it becomes copy-paste mechanism of blocking anyone that resembles the original trauma - even though if I look at if closely which I will not due to door slam - I would actually learn that I am imagining and these new people that I blocked are not toxic at all as they might appear for a 2 seconds that triggered me. Now I am isolated and alone since I sanitize myself from all "toxic" people
- I try to control and manipulate people so I become toxic myself since I want people to change to my own standards
- I end up with BPD Splitting which leads to mental illness- where I see people and anything in life through the prism of either black or white. There is no spectrum.
- I end up with perfectionism - since I do not allow other people to be flawed and imperfect
However with "saying No" attitude:
- I am not creating hysteria so I do not stoop down to toxic level
- I am implementing IFS Model where there are No Bad Parts
- I also learn that in the future I will not reject parts of myself which other people hate and nitpick
- I have attitude of allowing people to be who they are - without controlling or manipulating them
- I allow my brain not to be hypervigilant about toxic people and I shift my focus on good people without placing burden on my brain pattern thinking how to block and stop toxic people
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YT "Do You Feel Guilty From a Toxic Relationship?"
This guilt applies also to a non romantic relationships - such as job and toxic family members.
I learned this is part of trauma and narcissism and it is at the core of social anxiety - that our feelings of worth and well being depend on other people: what other people think about us.
This means even with the knowledge in the present time - we feel guilty even when doing the best decisions based on the most correct advice and rational decisions from top tier experts in abusive relationships.
This happens due to this narcissism and Rejection Sensitivity - where we automatically trauma bond with anyone who is rude and aggressive and violent and anti-social.
Our well being will be fused together with other people's opinion about us. And this guilt will be unbearable and very painful. It will shape our decisions - to people please toxic people, to fawn to them, to build walls and make toxic people our primary focus since paradoxically we try to block them out of our mind (Ironic processing Theory).
This guilt is actually shame, and it is officially called toxic shame.
As John Bradshaw wrote in his book - it is addiction. And I believe it is operant conditioning. As Pavlovian Dogs salivate when they hear bells ring - in the same manner we feel immediate and automatic toxic shame when someone thinks badly about us or even potentially thinks negatively and critically about us that makes them moody and angry - and we cannot stand their bad emotions, we feel responsible for them feeling bad and we feel responsible to fix their bad emotions and make them happy - due to ACoA exposure while growing up.
We need to become aware of this narcissism - why it happens and what is happening.
IF we are not aware that other people opinions shape our emotions and decisions - we will tend to use childhood coping mechanisms which will add up to more of trauma and more of narcissism and RSD and social anxiety complex trauma Quiet BPD. When we are aware that our emotions and decisions are automatically linked to other people's criticism and potential remarks from them - we can isolate this virus and observe it and be curious about it - instead of self rejection and self hatred or going along with learned patterns of fawning behavior and people pleasing toxic people.
-
We need to become aware that toxic people taught us to develop toxic shame - that our Worth and Self personality is actually based on other people's opinion. And we are not aware of this at all - since we are molded and shaped into this mental illness since childhood - so we never were taught that our well being and Self persona does not need to be fused with opinions and comments and remarks from other people and that we do not need to fix them when they feel bad, and that it is not our responsibility to fix them - even though toxic people will do everything to gaslight us into believing that we are really responsible and that we must be submissive and passive and immobile in order to heal them and keep them regulated and balanced. We don't. That is not normal.
We have been programmed to believe that we must feel bad about ourselves as if we are evil if we cut contact with toxic people and that we cannot stand if other people bad mouth about us behind our back or overtly in the public by putting us down.
-
You were not weak nor stupid.
Toxic people are like parasites - they attack the strong body filled with energy and love and strength - otherwise they would find another target. It is like colonies exploiting the riches of India and Africa. They have ores and precious minerals and diamonds inside - and toxic people submit them and steal their resources and make them feel bad about themselves - in order to continue the exploitation.
-
Yep, toxic people will exploit our voids and wounds, like parasites.
The fly will lay eggs in open wound in order for baby parasites to suck on energy and resources from the open wound.
And nobody in childhood taught us how to clean our wounds and keep them sanitized in proper manner.
Instead we were bruised and never healed.
Learning about trauma and educating ourselves about narcissistic abuse will help us to parent ourselves into taking care of our well being - something that we never learned in childhood.
-
I would work on our own desire about making other people into gods unwittingly. We were programmed and molded in childhood to base our worth and Ego and persona - based on other people and how they think about us and what they say about us and how they react to us. And then we are stuck as adults thinking about them and what they have done and we want revenge. We cannot break out of this rumination loop and see that we can actually move on and find another people who are caring and that we nurture care and empathy inside us - instead of this grudge and wounds and trauma that we carry around like Sisyphus.
-
"My guilt is, that I didn't cut this narc's throat at the very beginning. If I just knew, how everything will turn in next few months.."
If you seriously thinking about murdering someone, than that explains why she prefer him over you.
Being violent and desire that we resolve problems in this life by killing another person - is a disorder and it requires medical attention.
-
The tools are here:
No Bad Parts book
and IFS Model.
It was invented in 1980s but medical industry and self help industry is keeping this information away from us.
We are much more profitable when we walk around wounded and traumatized - than actually being healed and healthy and sane. We are walking dollar signs for CBT and self help authors parasites.
-
Yep, after I read No Bad Parts and learned about IFS Model - now I actually listen to people who I would block immediately - especially those who owning it and they are working on themselves. These are missing pieces that my social anxiety panic could not comprehend - now when I listen to rejected parts - it gives me answers to mysterious and unknown concepts that I struggled with with other people who trigger my social anxiety trauma and panic when they are rude.
-
YT "Episode 48 - Internal Family Systems Therapy for Shame and Guilt
"
I discovered IFS model by chance - by someone's random comment in you tube section and I immediately criticized it as nonsense, without actually learning about it. Which ironically is what IFS Model is about - that we reject parts immediately without learning them and then we copy-paste this unhealthy pattern of rejecting anything strange and unknown onto life and people and events - and then end up with mental illness as domino effect later on - since we now build walls and boundaries about anything random that appears not safe to us. And spending a lot of time, energy and focus on keeping up these walls and massive boundaries like overflooded firewall system. No wonder there is hypervigilance and general emotional dysregulation.
IFS Model helps with complex trauma and social anxiety - it sets us up in the right direction which cannot be said for CBT (automatic default therapy for social anxiety).
I experience IFS Model as a breath of fresh air let in into dark and dump and stale room without air. It is like an inner Renaissance, coming in after 1000 years of rigid, cruel religious ideology.
I love how you connect IFS and toxic shame.
Toxic shame is the motor of disorder - that is where all issues stem from and this part needs to be understood and analyzed - instead of building walls and hating "toxic" people as automatic default response to toxic shame.
-
"why do I need another planet to know myself"
Because when we learn about the unknown, our fear and panic and bias or prejudice won't make wrong and detrimental decisions for us based on delusions and hallucinations.
-
"How is it self if it’s from someone else?"
We are all inter-dependent.
We form our Self in relation and as a reaction to someone else.
We either hate something and then block and avoid and reject it (like wearing a pink shirt due to fear of being mocked as being feminine gay)
or we like something that we see in someone else and then we imitate others.
Without others, if we live in total isolation - we would develop our own language, we would become delusional and develop hallucinations and paranoia and we would not take care of our hygiene and become anti-social in the process.
-
"Your idea of control is funny though. I will express that."
It all depends on the environment and circumstances.
For example - generally in social situations and in contact with other people it is not appropriate to scream and yell however if you fall into a dark pit in the dark - yelling and screaming is the only way to get help from someone outside.
-
"Your brain can mature which can reduce the symptoms"
Along with our hormones when they reduce production, they will also affect our reactions to panic and drama and hysteria.
However - the point of life is not waiting to get old.
-
"living without Limitations"
Limitations are everywhere.
LAck of money.
Lack of normal and healthy and sane people in managerial positions.
These are outside of our control - so we must not live in delusional fantasy that limitations do not exist and that somehow being healthy means not encountering any kind of problems in life.
-
(17.11.2023)
"But I will tell people no thank you I’m not interested now. I have fallen for this crap in the past."
However you have not listened nor understood the message of the original poster.
She explicitly said that the seller was yelling at her and was aggressive - or he appeared as such in her mind.
Therefore - saying No made him angry and more intrusive.
So - the topic here is not about saying No - we are talking here how to handle , interpret and defend against intrusive, rude, aggressive people -
how we get the correct information about trauma triggers - so that we immediately can make a distinction between past trauma and actual real threat.
So - saying no to random people is still a trauma response - now you are in Flight response instead of Fawn. There are no better or worse trauma responses.
We do not get healthy nor sane by changing and experimenting with 4F trauma responses.
Instead - we need to work on our narcissistic injury where we base our Self worth and try to resurrect our Ego-death through trauma responses.
While IFS Model clearly gives us easy instructions how to set our mind on the correct path.
How we treat other people who cannot do anything for us - tell us what character person we are. Our goal is to be an adult, that we treat all people with respect - even though who are annoying and irritating. And handle situations in accordance of what is objective reality - not our repetition of trauma in our head and reacting to triggers and flashbacks.
This means-
in real life - sometimes we will say no - if we are in hurry.
Sometimes we will get curious and ask more.
Sometimes we will be extremely kind and kick them in the butt.
Sometimes we will be hysterical Karen and thrown them with door slam - if they repeat and never listen to us and they do appear as serial killer.
It all depends on situation and what is really going on around us.
-
"Hate to break it to ya but your grandson needs to grow up"
They already did grow up.
IFS Model tells us that traumatized parts of our psyche are in adult body trapped and forced to interact with adult world - and this is the result - being scared and panicked about regular interaction.
-
In my later years I discovered that being in contact with other people (who are kind, social enough to talk honestly and authentically) makes me a lot happy. Not because of codependency, but just for the sheer contact of having friendship-family-random chat contact with other people who are not threatening of having hidden agenda behind the mask of being friendly.
I wonder what came out of that 15yo sociopath - did he land in jail, did he killed someone down the road...
Can our society intercept future killers by observing children/teen anti-social behavior?
Amazingly enough I never have depression from romantic date issues - since that part of my social life is dead.
On the other hand, I get the same loss of control when dealing with service personnel and people in charge who are rude and dismissive and behave as if I have done something horrible just to put other people down. That dysregulate me quickly - especially since I live in shame culture country where being intrusive and putting other people down is a folklore and a way how to interact with people.
-
I think you got confused in this myth concept.
The myth is something that society is telling us when they superficially judge social anxiety:
- society will tell us that "our anxieties are wrong because everyone is looking at themselves so they do not pay attention to our mistakes".
In reality - there are abusers and toxic people out there who are focused a lot on other people and their mistakes.
Second myth is that society and CBT will tell us that socially anxious person is focused on his symptoms only.
This is only partial truth.
True reality is that our panic stem from other people who are rude to us.
Also, as socially anxious person in reality we are focused on other people - we look and observe what they speak and what tone of voice they use and their gestures.
This is done due to previous abuse and trauma makes us hypervigilant to look out for new danger.
Third common myth with social anxiety is that we lack social skills.
This myth is exploited by coaches and therapist who sell books and therapy based on unnecessary social skills.
Social anxiety is complex Trauma and we are in state of emergency - that is why our natural social skills are not presented to a third party nor to us. Simply because our amygdala hijacking has taken over the resources necessary for small chat.
11 months later I discovered that IFS model helps with social anxiety.
No Bad Parts book.
It is great that your symptoms are gone.
It may seem that you never had social anxiety. You probably had shyness all along.
Shyness goes away on its own when you face your fears and when you are outgoing.
For true socially anxious - exposure to social events and people leads to re-traumatization and new anxieties.
In general - all people can use 3 methods to stifle down mental issues:
1) Denial
2) Suppression
and
3) Dissociation.
For love of God I really hope you do not use these to smother your social anxiety - because all 3 coping mechanisms are dysfunctional and they lead to mental illness.
CBT and self help industry is based on those 3 unsuccessful unhealthy coping mechanisms.
-
" I wonder if a brain scan of a born psychopath and a drug induced psychopath would be be similar."
Amazingly enough, there are both psychopaths and sociopaths and narcissists on you tube - owning their conditions, in therapy and talking about it in open manner.
It is a well of mysterious unanswered questions that daunt us (society in general) about these conditions, and here they are - they tell it all.
It is like they are Snowdon and tell it from the inside all the secrets that we are not suppose to know, learn or access in any way. They are frank about it.
-
(18.11.2023)
"Super easy
Just say
“Well even if this (whatever event thats occurring,(not the attack but the real life event)right now) happens,
So…?🤷🏽♂"
No, unfortunately it is not that easy.
Our logical part that would not care about events is not active at all.
When we have issues like panic, anxiety - our amygdala is hijacked and we cannot regulate ourselves into safety by convincing ourselves that we are fine.
Plus,
your approach is actually not functional, too.
You are talking about
1) Denial
2) Suppression
and
3) Dissociation.
All these 3 are unsuccessful dysfunctional coping mechanisms that lead to mental illness and living in delusions and hallucinations, cut off from reality.
For example,
we may live with someone like Amber who poops in our bed and attack us - and we might go along with your solution to deny and suppress it and dissociate from her borderline behavior.
Then -
as years go by, we will lose calm, sanity and she will actually become more and more aggressive - because we never cut contact with her due to our denial of reality.
Then she will accuse us of being rapist and try to steal our money savings and public image and our movie career - just because we decided to suppress difficult emotions as reactions to her abnormal behavior.
-
(19.11.2023)
"re-train our brain to realise we are actually safe"
Sure,
but... what happens when we are not safe?
When objectively and realistically we are stuck in narcissistic abuse and toxic ambient and mobbing - and we cannot exit due to finances.
Then what?
Instead of denial and repression and dissociation - the correct approach is self compassion and listening to ourselves and find narcissistic supply that others provide us that keeps us hooked on feeling safe and good - instead of depending on our intrinsic locus of control, our True Self.
-
YT "Being the Psychopath, the BPD, and Not Being on Meds. #60 SSRI. Lonely. Presence, Trauma Gabor Mate."
Thank you for your honesty.
I also struggle with issues that other people affect my worth. I know that this is narcissism, and being depended on other people's reactions and what they think about me is automatic and painful when they are rude. I had to learn a lot of psychology to realize that this is happening in the first place. I would otherwise just keep feeling social anxiety without noticing it is due to external locus of control. Unlike for you - in extreme cases I think about killing myself because I feel trapped. I would never destroy the other person even if they are deserving the punishment for their misbehavior.
What I discovered with IFS Model is that this strong reaction to other people is actually canned, suppressed anger.
I guess when we are exposed to AcoA and ACE in childhood - we are being recruited to become abusers ourselves.
As if we are being initiated into evil and to become evil.
So big surprise for me is self-discovery that social anxiety that I feel is actually a barrier and protection from becoming psychopath. It is like inner police, inner parent, inner restriction of panic and fear that prevents me from protesting and attacking the other people when I feel threatened by someone. I guess you lack this inner police, correction mechanisms - yet we are both triggered by people and depend on other people to feel accepted and worthy.
We just simply developed different strategies how to handle these trauma feelings. I developed self flagellation system in order not to end up in prison or causing serious harm to other people - that appears as social anxiety to me.
I guess this is the reason why CBT is keeping this trauma information from the public.
If masses were being told that fears and panic that they feel is actually suppressed barrier from developing kind of revolution 1960s protest mentality - there would be riots and protests as they were back then.
IT is easier for corrupt authority to control people by explaining them in official medical resources through CBT that panic and fears and feeling depressed and weak is a "hallucination" and "cognitive disorder" - so that people through such wrong explanation develop self hatred and self rejection and hence lobotomize and castrate the masses from becoming politician's nuisance who would protest all the time and becoming uncontrollable.
I guess Kubrick saw this and that's why he decided to make movie from the book of same name - Clockwork Orange in 1971.
Ludovico method from that movie - it is CBT. A hooligan was treated with it, (exposure therapy by watching violent images and operant conditioning through classical music) and then after the therapy he developed severe social anxiety and fawning and was unable to defend himself when he was harassed.
-
(20.11.2023)
YT "What is social anxiety and what triggers it?
"
We did not catch social anxiety like a cold or common flu by walking randomly in the streets.
Social anxiety is natural reaction to abnormal ACE situations and toxic ambient over long period of time, in early age when our persona was developing (when we were suppose to feel safe and validated - instead we were exposed to relentless criticism 24/7 and discipline and constant corrections).
IFS Model helps with social anxiety.
CBT is ableist therapy and it is based on denial and suppressions and dissociations - which are nothing else but dysfunctional coping mechanisms that lead to mental illness.
-
1. Would you feel anxiety at large party with the same ethnicity - yet all were total strangers?
2. How did Harper's book helped you?
Anxiety and all mental issues can be denied, suppressed and dissociated - and this appears as help - but all of these are dysfunctional coping mechanisms that actually lead to mental illness.
-
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma - it means we were exposed to ACE and ACoA - invalidation and pathologizing anything about us - that is blocking us now as adult in a form of brutal inner critic and Self-referential thinking.
-
"there is a hyper focus on what and how things are said so as to avoid people having a bad impression of me."
You literally described Self-referential thinking.
Now the bigger question is - why this was not explained in this video,
and why it is never explained in any social anxiety resource by CBT?
Because we are not being told truth about social anxiety.
IT is much easier to farm us and milk our trauma endlessly and lobotomize us into submission and wrong explanations.
-
So there is a part of you that explains and interprets comfortable people as being toxic.
I would be curious about that.
What part of me is keep on seeing lovely people as toxic - and why?
Where did I learn this distrust?
What can I do about it?
-
"That makes social anxiety seem worse, makes one think harder about getting things right"
Yes.
Trauma response is - that we fawn. We try to people please angry people and be perfect, so that they do not complain and that we do not experience their anger.
Then we end up in hypervigilance, over-work, walking on eggshelves and most devastating part is that we attract toxic people who criticize us and farm&milk our trauma for their benefit -
since all they need to do is yell and scream and we are like circus trained animals, jumping and cleaning and fixing and helping.
On the other hand,
narcissists decided in young age - to go the opposite way as trauma response.
They decided to be stuck in Fight response - to be antagonistic and angry and fight a lot.
So both responses are personality disorders - since they keep us in stuck rigid automatic responses.
We never actually stop and think what is happening and then choose the best appropriate response.
Instead - we automatically smile, suck up and fix other people's anger.
While narcissists abuse as the automatic response to triggers.
-
Exposure will work great if we live in fantasy world or Disney land and there are no abusers, psychopaths and sociopaths around us.
In the real world however CBT exposure will lead to re-traumatization -
because we do not have tools to handle difficult people and we interpret toxic events as our personal fault (Self-referential thinking).
So exposure will not work for social anxiety - it will lead us to develop mental illness, like fawning and people pleasing and self flagellation and suppressing our anger.
Instead of CBT, there is IFS Model that actually works.
And paradoxically - with IFS Model we will be more active participants in life and exposure ourselves. But this time, we won't go along with our automatic trauma triggers that were operantly conditioned into us in ACoA*ACE.
-
There is free quick no-login test online available to measure our ACE levels.
People with social anxiety have high score in ACE.
Those people who measure low ACE - do not have social anxiety but shyness which can mimic social anxiety symptoms.
-
". I need time to get to know people or I can’t relax at all!"
These are called Attachment Styles issues -
and it is one of million of concepts which are not being explained by CBT at all.
With CBT we are being told 0,00005% of social anxiety.
-
You cannot expect that you tube authors will silence their videos for a few people who dislike music.
So we can adapt to things outside of our control - can mute it and read subtitles-
-
CBT blocks information about trauma - since that would actually help and heal the people.
It is much more profitable to keep information hidden and then farm and milk abused children all their lives.
-
I am not sure that diagnosis will help -
it is what you do about it that matters.
Pathologizing our valid feelings and reactions is really a bad idea.
-
YT "Walking Past Someone When You Have Social Anxiety Be Like…
"
Unfortunately - this idea that we do the opposite from our trauma - leads to personality disorder.
That is how narcissism is born,
Narcissists also have Self-Referential Thinking issue (inability to make a distinction from other people's thoughts of criticism) - so instead of social anxiety and looking down - they start to abuse and attack people as a pre-emptive response to the trauma triggers.
So your solution is similar to this.
Instead of abuse and fight, we are suppose to stare at other people every time when we feel the social anxiety symptoms triggers.
That decisions that we make certain action based on our trauma is called personality disorder -
because we are not ourselves. We create manual over-ride to our trauma and that is Rigid mindset.
Any rigid mindset is disorder. It is not healthy.
Why?
Because in some situations - it is best not to look at other people.
I remember watching a documentary about New York in 1995. IT was BBC documentary. And it has been said that tourist who come to New York are being told not to look at other people - because there are a lot of psychopaths and sociopaths who interpret looking at them as an attack. So in the documentary it had been said it is best to wear sunglasses in NY so that other people do not see that you are looking at them.
We need to adapt to various situations in life.
Many time, our common sense and rules - do not apply to a specific event or time or place. To have a rigid action is a compulsion, OCD.
Trauma needs to be healed.
Anything else is called "Masking" and making the trauma to be Functional.
When we mask and make abuse to be functional - it will fester and explode eventually.
-
YT "Social anxiety - DO THIS next time you're out out 🥳 #anxietyrelief"
Mental health issues are not issues of being "brave" nor will power. That is common myth in medical industry and stubborn sin in Self help industry.
-
Just because you feel and sense something - it does not automatically mean that other people experience exactly the same thing as you do.
Egocentrism is belief that your experience is the same for everyone else.
-
YT "From Reddit to Reality: A Social Anxiety-Free Hour"
Breaking news: without social anxiety we would be psychopaths and sociopaths.
Social anxiety - apart from panic symptoms - is a barrier that prevents us from exploding in anger. Social anxiety is suppressed canned anger towards toxic people... and it appears to us as fear of other people and fear of talking - on surface level it appears as shyness.
Social anxiety helps us to take care of our body and to look good. Without it we would be like Diagenesis in Ancient Greece: he pooped in public streets and urinated there, he masturbated in theaters, he yelled at other random people and he lived like a dog out in the streets - not because he had no money but because he lacked social anxiety.
Without social anxiety we would be in contact with toxic people - without fears and panic - we would either
1) do nothing and stay stuck in abusive situation - since we would not have inner alarms to protect us and tell us to move
or
2) we would develop narcissism and psychopaths and attack other people to the point of ending up in a jail.
Social anxiety comes with Big 5 Personality traits: Neuroticism and Openness and Agreeableness. These 3 are part of personality traits - if we modify them and destroy them - we will end up with personality disorder and become anti-social.
In order to be social and to look presentable - we need a certain dosage of social anxiety.
Without social anxiety - we would not care about making friends - since there would be no incentive inside to mingle with other people.
In real life - we will hardly meet people with same interest as Kyle is talking in his video.
In real life - most people around us will have different personas and different goals than ourselves - and therefore we will always be in some kind of conflict or resentment with other people.
The other people will not have high levels of social anxiety - and this means most people will be rude to us. They will not listen or care what we think or need or want. So we will be in constant fights with others or we will fawn and go along being submissive with other people.
Social anxiety will help us to feel what is wrong and when we need to react and state our opinion, we will notice when people are rude and aggressive - and this is important information for creating life that sooths us - instead of people pleasing other people just because we are scared of being alone and/or lonely.
-
Social anxiety is when we depend on what other people think negatively or critically about us.
Obviously you went to full Karen hysterical mode only on my comment -
that is codependency.
You replaced social anxiety with narcissism.
You block trauma by being intrusive and rude to others.
You still have no ability to listen to them nor you care about learning psychology because you are lazy and want comfort zone. You never cured social anxiety - you simply replaced it with personality disorder: rigid mindset and harassing other people who do not appraise you and hold your veneer imperfect image in grandiosity...
-
Just because it helped you - it does not automatically means it will help to anyone else.
Plus,
social anxiety is not shyness. These two things are different.
Social anxiety is already being exposed to other people - in fact it is exposure to narcissistic abuse and mobbing.
Social anxiety is being exposed day after day to toxic family and toxic job - without ability to run away due to finances. That is social anxiety.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma.
It is not Phobia. Phobias are cured with exposure.
Trauma needs healing and validation - not discipline and more of control.
-
"it’s making sure that I smile and acknowledge others."
That is personality disorder.
This means:
You base your actions on your trauma triggers.
Your unresolved trauma is making you stuck in default behavior. And -
That is rigid thinking - and it is mental illness.
Your actions and reactions are suppose to be different and depend on situation given, circumstances and adaptation to particular ambient.
If your default manual over ride response is the same - you will make your life very difficult and become passive and crude in difficult moments when spontaneity is required.
-
YT "Destroy Social Anxiety With This Cheat Code"
So much questions.
You have ADHD and in the same time you profess neurotypical stereotypes?
that is self abuse.
You think that social anxiety is the same as shyness?
social anxiety is unhealed trauma
Scanning for another person is Self referential thinking and Codependency, really bad advice.
People are on the same level - there are no better or worse people. Inferiority and Superiority complexes as mental illness - not goal to attain in life.
I really hope you are not coaching anyone.
-
YT "Getting Your Haircut When You Have Social Anxiety Looks Like This…"
Looking for signs is his hand is shaking - it is Self Referential Thinking.
That is narcissism, looking narcissistic supply in other people and when our self worth depends on opinions of other people.
With Self-Referential Thinking - there is Quiet BPD developed and it is nearly impossible to be genuine and authentic - since there is Ego death. Ego does not exist.
Instead - ego depends on other people's approval hence social anxiety.
IFS Model helps with this.
-
YT "Once I Understood This I Was Able to Overcome Social Anxiety
"
Self-help industry is helping only to authors who make money on selling their books.
Our mind is focused due to Operant Conditioning. It is hypnosis. IT is programming -
as much as infected Computer with a virus cannot grow out of coded message to execute - in the same manner anyone gone through ACoA and ACE cannot turn their focus on being healthy.
And it is invalidating to try this.
Social anxiety does not mean not having social life of girlfriends.
Social anxiety can be Functional. For example, Michael Jackson had a severe social anxiety but his was functional - he had amazing career, sang in front of billions of people, made movies and TV shows - yet his unresolved trauma ended in tragedy.
Same story with Prince and Whitney Houston.
So having social life and girlfriends will not cure us.
That is core problem: Self Referential Thinking. Due to abuse and trauma , people with social anxiety believe that other people can make them happy and safe. Also called External Locus of control and Trauma bonding and Codependency.
The idea to improve your confidence and to expose yourself to people - is still trauma bonding - and you try to make your trauma to be Functional. IT will not work. Trauma is still being unhealed and unprocessed, festering inside.
When we are not aware of unprocessed trauma - it will compel us and direct us and make decisions for us and give us all plethora of panic symptoms and block us from living our life.
IFS Model helps with this.
-
YT "Do you have social anxiety? Watch this ✨
"
There are toxic people who really/actually do think how to cheat and manipulate and control and mock and abuse their target.
You are correct about Self referential Thinking -
it is our focus on other people and their opinion.
This is trauma, it is Quiet BPD -
and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - and this kind of narcissistic thinking starts in abusive childhood (ACoA and ACE).
We cannot logic ourselves out of it.
We need to heal trauma and accept and validate ourselves - not control or discipline ourselves, it will not work.
IFS Model helps with social anxiety.
-
(21.11.2023)
Self-referential thinking is not egocentrism.
Self-referential thinking is part of narcissism, it is when our self worth depends on permission of other people around us. External locus of control.
Trauma bonding.
IT is when we feel deep pain and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria when we know the other person may criticize us , or think wrongly about us and this feeling is unbearable and deeply shameful, toxic shame.
-
"wtf lmao no? How is keeping your emotions under control narcissism. Smh"
It is because those emotions are not emotions at all. They are trauma.
Due to lack of education in psychology, you label those mysterious feelings and thoughts as emotions - and dangerous self help gurus and self help industry keep you on the wrong explanations about what you feel. That is how we get gaslighted.
Narcissism is not the same as narcissistic personality disorder. These are two different conditions.
There is a healthy narcissism, too.
This inability to process your emotions - and label them as something to discipline and cover up and hide away - is trauma.
The better question is - why we do not know this fact?
Why are we told by medical industry CBT that social anxiety is something that is cured with self discipline and willpower?
That "cure" will create more of anxiety.
Jung: What we resist, will persist.
-
" How is learning to control your own emotions and keeping them in check narcissism? Are you sure you know what a narcissist is????"
Narcissist feel deep shame inside and they try to cover up shaky foundations by inventing overcompensation mechanisms.
Such as denial and suppression and dissociation. That is how they get cruel and lose empathy - since they cut off parts of themselves which duty is to learn how other people are affected by their behavior.
These shaky foundations are based on fear of what other people think - usually in a form of criticism.
Instead of "emotions" - socially anxious have issue with Self-referential Thinking - which appears as emotions to us.
In reality - this is Operant Conditioning - being exposed to punishment and criticism in early age - when our child brain was supposed to receive safety and validation and acceptance. Exposure to discipline and control of "emotions" - leads to development of Self-referential thinking,
Which means -
we will feel bad person if we do something wrong or commit some error, no matter how small it is.
We will feel social anxiety if we are not perfect and if we do not comply to all people to be happy.
We will feel deep shame if we notice that other person is dissatisfied about any detail about us.
And all these beliefs will appear as emotions to us -
that we will believe we need to control and discipline, as we were taught in childhood to suppress our feelings and any kind of expression of opinion - including emotions.
Instead of control and suppression - the healthy way to handle emotions and feelings and any mysterious condition is through regulation and understanding and being curious.
With narcissism we are not curious. We only want control and discipline and rigid mindset, kind of like North Korea or Russia - where anything different is labelled as abnormal and punished and put into gulag for eternity. That is narcissism, and it is mental illness - because most people are not aware that they think this way and that it is wrong. Learned from ACoA and ACE in childhood.
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" Most people like having a friend or companion. Doesn’t mean dependency."
When we depend on friends/partner/anyone to feel good about our own self worth and that they "cure" our fears and panic and issues, that is called codependency.
What will happen when you commit some mistake and they turn your back on you, and you are left alone? How will you feel about yourself?
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" feeling the safe space "
This sounds like Denial and Dissociation and Suppression. Bad idea.
We need to feel our emotions and discern them. If we lock them up in basement, they will haunt us and control us.
"Have you heard of Sumedho?"
I will check him, sounds interesting,
However what I see in your whole comment is borderline issue. You depend on other people to guide you, to tell you what is correct and what is validated.
You need to know these things on yourself, you need to have your own GPS mechanisms compass to know what is correct and what is wrong and be prepared to be punished for your decisions - instead of herd mentality and group thinking.
This dependency on other people emotions and approval is narcissism and it is called Self Referential Thinking.
It is by-product of trauma and trauma needs healing -
not pushing it away or depending on other people to tell us how we are suppose to feel or lead our lives.
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YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: The Really Scary Thing About ADHD..."
You are correct - English names in medical industry are misleading.
In psychology the label "Rejection" is not related to romance or cat fight with friends that ends in dramatic break up.
"Rejection" is defined as criticism and manipulation and control from toxic people who feel they are superior to others and this narcissistic supply belief gives them permission to treat "subordinates" as crap. That is why Dr Dodson (who discovered and coined RSD) says that RSD can be imaginary or real. Sometimes we have BPD splitting black & white thinking and hence we perceive neutral or positive person as toxic and sick and abnormal - and then their words and actions hurt us since we wrongly concluded to believe they are serial killers and sociopaths who harm us.
The same thing with word "Disorder". In CBT disorder does not mean being crazy as most CBT therapist and books interpret it.
Disorder means having your arms twisted and that is disorder because we cannot eat or use our hands regularly. That is disorder. CBT therapist describe Disorder as person being wrong and abnormal for having disfiguration of our psychological limbs - as if we choose it and then we can change it through will power - that creates CBT as dangerous therapy of ableism and creates more damage than good.
What I discovered with RSD - and what is not mentioned by Dr Dodson - is that RSD is connected to Self-Referential Thinking. This means that we have narcissism - where other people's thoughts and opinions about us hurt us when they are unfavorable. We cannot shake it off and our Self Worth depends on happiness and approval of other people.
Some of us develop Quiet BPD on this - and then we feel urge to fix and cure angry people since we cannot stand that they are moody with mood swings and unhappy.
These all stem from toxic exposure to long term narcissistic abuse in our developmental years: AcoA and ACE.
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YT "Unmasking Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in Adult ADHD with Dr. Bill Dodson and Beth Bardeen (Part 2)
"
Dr Dodson got wrong conclusion about social anxiety. He believes that socially anxious do not worry after the event.
This way he can isolate RSD as stand alone conditioned that is not interchangeable with other conditions and that fits the CBT frame of mind: that we can "cure" away psychological issues with our will power and a mere discipline.
CBT always mix up shyness with social anxiety. Shy people will not worry. Socially anxious will worry a lot before, during and after the event. So -
They do. Socially anxious worry if other people looked upon them in slightly negative way or if there is some follow-up meeting - that will be impromptu as new rumination.
RSD itself is social anxiety. They are the same.
Dr Dodson does not understand that Dysregulation comes in two flavors:
1) over-regulation
and
2) under-regulation.
The chances are that people who come to therapy and who watch videos like this - already DO over-regulate themselves too much. So any discipline and will power will result in dysregulation.
He believes that Dysregulation comes only in one flavor: under-regulation.
That is due to ableist CBT which is doing so much damage to anyone following it due to its wrong definitions and faulty explanations.
Also - Dr Dodson missed the concept called Self Referential Thinking. Self referential thinking is narcissism and it is RSD itself -
it is when we are abused and traumatized in ACoA and ACE - our self worth will be destroyed (Ego death) - and instead we will develop External Locus of control and Trauma bonding - and other people's criticism will hurt a lot. That is RSD...
"trigger come from something that matters to you" - is Self Referential Thinking. Narcissism.
Due to ACE - we were Operantly conditioned to worry when other people are angry and or unhappy - and that we must fix them - at least through rumination or isolation so that we do not bother other people's happiness with our demands or needs.
Those with narcissistic personality disorder decided as little kids to respond and react to these RSD pains as abuse and attack of weak people who will not defend themselves and through controlling and abusing others who are immobile and passive and afraid. Disorder part is this rigid conclusion that pain and trauma must be counter-acted with abuse and harassment of other people and controlling them.
Even though NPDers counter-act RSD impulses with abusing and putting down other people - RSD trauma triggers are still present, though they are masked and made to be functional.
Because they made NPD functional - Exposure will help for psychopaths and sociopaths - since they will parasite on good and nice people who never held them accountable - since patriarchy is enabling loud, toxic and aggressive people who are perceived as competent and clever (as we see in Argentina that their version or Trump won there yesterday).
Those of us who learned that anti-social behavior is morally and ethically wrong - were left with Quiet BPD , where we directed narcissistic abuse onto ourselves and parts of ourselves (IFS Model) through inner criticism, self hatred, self rejection, self flagellation, BPD splitting - seeing other people as black or white.
For anyone trying to suppress anger and not becoming narcissist - exposure will not work. Exposure will lead to re-traumatization because we do not have tools to handle rejection and pain and criticism and abuse.
Instead of nitpicking our brain - cognitive restructuring - I would go with IFS Model: humanistic therapy of validation and acceptance -
since toxic shame will interpret any discipline as proof we are invalid and incompetent - and this will breed new toxic shame.
So CBT and DBT must be banned - they are doing incredible psychological damage to anyone stuck in narcissistic abuse - due to its denial, suppression and dissociation methods - and those who have RSD and who did not chose to become sociopath - will attract and be attracted to narcissistic abusers. Plus targets of narcissistic abuse have toxic dysfunctional ACoA family to begin with. CBT does not recognize trauma nor Self referential thinking and does not understand these concepts at all. CBT explains away Self referential thinking as a mere egocentrism. Whereas Self referential thinking is RSD itself.
So we have unified Theory of Everything:
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" i have apathy, manic, insomnia, social phobia and nightmare symptoms, no clear diagnosis of what it is."
I have seen U2 twitter picture from their concert in Las Vegas.
They had a very huge sign that said:
"Everything you learn is wrong".
Gabor Mate's latest book is also with the same topic: Myth of normal.
It is obvious that messages that we receive from herd mentality groupthink CBT are wrong.
If we end up with antidepressant and tranquilizers - it is a clear sign that we are in toxic ambient and with toxic messages that we absorbed - and they made us sick.
And toxic ambient will gaslight us into belief that we are abnormal, that we make ourselves sick.
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"don't just apply culture which is not applicable."
I would be pragmatic.
Does it help?
Does it make us healthy?
Does it make us sane?
Does it make us regulated?
If not - it is toxic.
IF we depend on other people and things to be happy - then we have Self Referential Thinking - and it is a clear sign of abuse and trauma
So we have Complex Trauma undiscovered and undetected inside us.
Trauma is healed with education and self compassion.
IT is really bad idea to invest our time and beliefs into generic text and orders and commands - which are nothing else but Coercive control and mass manipulation.
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"Did you have a lot of stress growing up?"
When we grow up in stress - it is like fish in a water. Fish won't be aware that it is in the water. Since water is all around since birth.
The concept of breathing air or being in vacuum is totally unknown to a fish.
In the same manner - when we end up with People pleasing issues - we have no idea that it stems from exposure to constant and relentless criticism all the time 24/7. We simply do not recognize the pattern of Operant Conditioning during our formative developmental years - in fact it is normal for us to be punished and scorned.
So much - that we develop our own Inner critic to continue the same programmed self abuse and self flagellation.
So if you ask such person did he have stress - that person unless if he did not do serious deep self investigation and education about Complex Trauma - will define "stress" as extreme forms of abuse - and such person will say - nope, there was no abuse at all. No stress while growing up..
That is because we lack education about ACoA and ACE.
We need to educate ourselves - if we suffer from people pleasing -
instead of self criticism and scapegoating our fawning - we need to be curious and learn and educate ourselves about psychology and abuse so that we learn what it is and how to recognize it in past and in future.
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People lie. And they tend to mask any problems that they have in order not to be mocked for those same problems.
This inability to realize that people are liars is the problem with social anxiety.
That is Self-Referential Thinking - and it is at the heart of social anxiety and toxic shame.
We hate so much ourselves and we reject our self - and then we make other people into our Gods - and whatever they say - we never question but we accept it as ultimate Truth that must never be questioned.
This part is disorder, personality disorder.
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"Anxiety is just fake... just fucking get up and stop being so scared"
This idea that emotions do not exist is psychopathy and mental illness. It is personality disorder - and personality disorders are extremely hard to cure - not because it is hard itself but because people with personality disorder are so convinced in their false fake beliefs that it is impossible to fuse them off from their delusions and hallucinations which appear as reality to them.
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(22.11.2023)
I would just like to add, as one empath to another - learn more about Borderliners. BPD.
Due to our toxic levels of empathy (empathy can also be toxic) - Borderliners will appear as helpless victims and they will hook up on our empathy and parasite on it - and we won't know it is happening.
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"It's not hard. Just listen to what someone is saying or asking and reply. "
IT is hard because in the mind of traumatized person who does not know that there is trauma in the first place, there will be plethora of mental processes that makes it hard.
First and foremost, there is amygdala hijacking - it happens when we witness some shock. Then our logical part of brain goes offline. We do not become brain dead nor zombies - it is more like Safe Mode in Windows 98. Graphics is there but it is basic. Only primary programs can run - not the sophisticated ones.
So small chat with service personnel in order to explain food - will not be available program to execute.
Secondly, there is HPA Axis that is gone hay-wired: "the interaction between the hypothalamus, pituitary gland, and adrenal glands; it plays an important role the body's response to stress"
Thirdly, there is concept called:
Impaired sensory gating
Sensory gating refers to “filtering” of irrelevant sensory input in the brain.
This will also go astray. So it will be impossible to filter out the actual goal: to order simple menu.
Then there is also
High interpersonal sensitivity
Traumatic injury is physical, cognitive, interpersonal effect of that trauma
And of course, Neurodivergency. It means that for some people - the way they process information and incoming data is a little different than at most group think herd mentality. It is not wrong nor abnormal - it is simply different than the given norm, how information is processed and interpreted. Learn more about lateral thinking for example.
There is also a problem with -
Sensory Regulation
If a child has sensory regulation difficulties they may have difficulty surrounding handwriting, running, jumping, tying shoe laces, concentrating and understanding instruction in a crowded and noisy environment
So you see - it is hard for anyone gone through ACOA and ACE that causes all these invisible issues that third party cannot see - and then it is easily judged as a problem with will power.
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YT "You don’t need to live your best life
"
That person's comment about your personal life is really rude: intrusive and unfair and biased.
And paradox is - when we do become best version of ourselves,, this happens:
"When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all." - Futurama
Something to think about.
When we appear strong and "best" version of ourselves - nobody will ask us how we are doing or care about our struggles - even when struggles are toxic and difficult.
When we appear strong and "best" - we will get more and more tasks and people will dump their issues and problems to fix -- since we have gold touch due to being strong and best. Similar to immigrants moving to the West - since their own countries are filled with corruption and crime. The West has good efficient system of eliminating crime and corruption - and the "award" is that people who grew up in corruption and have mentality of shame will try to populate guilt based countries that are prosperous due to the correct mentality.
It is like if we have clean house, we will attract dirty people - since they will feel good in clean ambient - without them taking accountability to be clean. They will simply parasite on clean ambient.
Another example is imagine Balkan person being stuck with Japanese person in isolated island in the Pacific. The Japanese person will clean and be organized and be careful where to step in order not to get injured. While the Balkan person will yell, make drama and hysteria, this person will litter and throw garbage anywhere and there will be constant problems and new issues that could easily be avoided by being smart about their injuries since they are not safety prone nor careful - so all focus and resources will go to Balkan Slovenly person that is child trapped in adult body. Then the Japanese person will end up being servant and personal cleaner of this Balkan person that throws garbage everywhere and doesn't mind living in filth. And reacts in rage and violence if criticize for their anti-social behavior.
So being strong and best - will make Japanese person to be servant to abuser.
Because strong and best means strong and best moral and ethical standards - which include Moral Relativism and having toxic empathy for psychopaths and sociopaths at our own detriment and well being.
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“To be normal is the ideal aim for the unsuccessful.”
JUNG
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YT "How to pass EVERYONE this winter"
It is so sad that you have so much self hatred and self rejection. IT is really painful to watch.
Unchecked - this will become serious mental health issue once you come into your older years and become father and get toxic job and become slave in order to pay mortgage. Then, in real life problems, this self hatred will become more sinister and dangerous. You may even become externally preoccupied and start to blame other people for your problems in life - and become violent.
It is totally normal to be shy and awkward and weird.
Especially in your young age.
Without it , you would not be special, you would be instead like everyone else - dull and nothing to notice about you.
I really hope you will throw off this Jordan Peterson mentality of narcissism and self hatred and actually accept and validate yourself - since you are a good person. You are simply hypnotized by toxic people and psychopaths and sociopaths who tell you orders and commands to build fake narcissistic image of superiority in order to control and impress other people.
Instead of being preoccupied by how other people label you, so that you reject and hate yourself for not being "perfect" - try to investigate and be curious about this urge and impulse to become super human.
Paradox is once you realize you are amazing and perfect as you are right now - you will paradoxically start to improve - and now it will be without self flagellation and self hatred that you exhibit right now.
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"He doesn't sound that narcissistic though?"
Most narcissist do not sound narcissistic, they cover up their mental illness. They mask it by becoming "improved" and "superior" and "better" - all signs of grandiosity.
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To depend on other people to give you advice is called codependency.
Why on Earth you would not follow your own voice, your own common sense, your own goals, your own brain?
Why it is so easy for us to be sheep and follow herd mentality, groupthink and being cowardly neurotypical?
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(23.11.2023)
"how?"
He clearly stated that he hated himself when he was "shy". That is clearly Borderline thinking, it is unhealthy. It is really bad idea to reject parts of ourselves.
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Yes, when we suppress, deny and dissociate from uncomfortable emotions, beliefs, feelings - we are creating mental disorder. This is especially detrimental when we reject parts of ourselves - and then we get this fantastic idea of building a fake image of strength. That leads to narcissism and borderline issue. IT is extremely unhealthy.
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" Being stoic doesn't make you narcissistic if you balance it right I think."
Balance what?
That is the key issue related to mental illness-
Are you fixing things which are not broken at all?
If we are serial killers - that is something to fix.
If we are psychopaths - that is something to fix.
If we are shy - that is not disorder. Being shy is not mental illness, there is nothing to fix and it is really bad idea to pathologize it.
Narcissism is based on the idea that the basic Self - the core of who we are - without money, without influence, basic Self - if we believe that this basic Self - child self - is broken and disgusting, that is toxic shame. And internet-stoic believes are parasiting on this idea that we must cover up our inner shame by pretending to be stoic.
There is a difference between stoicism in Ancient Greece and this modern internet stoicism which is connected with Jordan Peterson - that is nothing else but narcissism.
Ancient Greece stoicism is built on self validation and self compassion and self acceptance. Building ourselves is then based on strong foundation of knowing who we are as Persona.
On the other hand-
Internet-stoicism is built on self hatred and self rejection and building fake image on shaky foundations which we self sabotage through being abhorred at ourselves as we are.
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"You're doing nothiny but getting him more subscribers"
I do not understand you?
Why are you implying that I wish him harm and lack of subscribers?
How did you get to that toxic shaming logic?
It is totally incorrect and unrealistic and delusional.
That is why this self hatred is dangerous - it makes you think that honest critique and feedback of a friend is dangerous criticism of an enemy. You become hostile - when you hate yourself and parts of yourself and you interpret other people as dangerous and vile. That is why self rejection leads to mental illness - you start to make quick conclusions which are nothing but bias and prejudice and delusional.
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" being out of your comfort zone"
What happens when we live in third world country where we are exposed and out of our comfort zone all the time, 24/7?
Shall we become healthy and sane in toxic and corrupt country where cocaine mafia is shifting laws and making criminals in charge?
What happens when we live in slum part of the city? Shall we become healthy and sane and non-addict if we hang out with heroin addicts and mafia?
What happens if we are inside dysfunctional toxic family system - shall we become healthy and sane if we expose ourselves to abuse?
What happens when we live in Chernobyl?
Shall we become immune to invisible toxic radiation?
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YT "Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn: Healing A Frazzled Nervous System After Trauma"
Excellent topic.
So what I see is that those people who are "safe" with each other - whom they know that the other person will not hurt back or reject them - that some of these people will choose Fight response, because their brain will calculate and know that the scapegoat in family is a safe dumping object.
Also - people who are stronger mentally, who have high moral and ethical standards, those who have high empathy, those who are sensitive - will be "excellent" target to dump stress response onto - since nice and friendly and open and empathic people will not snap back at others due to deep understanding of pain and hurt and why someone is angry.
Empathic nice kind people will have understanding and love towards the hysterical person who is in Fight Response when triggered. This is something to think about more deeply.
We may end up being stuck with abusive person who is overcompensating their weakness and cowardice by appearing strong and violent and hysterical - and they will be triggered about smallest things, smallest errors will be turned into endless trail and train of drama and hysteria, 24/7. Not to mention the explosions when big errors and big misfortunes occur.
It means that our own health and being healthy is actually making us sick and tested constantly - since it exposes us to hurt and abuse by hysterical angry dysregulated people who are not emotionally intelligent, who don't care getting therapy, and who cannot regulate themselves and who do not have the same ethical moral and empathic standards as highly sensitive person would have.
And this means it is highly likely that if we are nice kind empathic person - that we will be designated dumping place for abusers - and we will be exposed to "radiation" and toxicity more than others who are not cruel to each other - since we won't snap back at them, we won't leave - instead we will have understanding and love towards abusers and hysterical people who are stuck in Fight response after any small trigger in life that they encounter.
Whereas exposure to long term emotional and verbal abuse is detrimental to mental health.
The paradox is that in society - there is Dunning Krueger Effect - where a person what is screaming and yelling and who is abusive - it is perceived by everyone as more competent and strong - since they exhibit force and cruelty. So corporations will hire abusive people in managerial positions since it appears as if they do not have issues of firing personnel when needed.
Or in police - those who are cruel are perceived as more efficient since it appears they won't have problems about enforcing laws onto hooligans and law-breakers of any kind.
While in the same time - those who are kind and nice and quiet are perceived by society as abnormal and weak and incompetent and even stupid. While in reality it is the opposite that is true.
Those who are loud and with glib charm - are actually not intelligent at all, they simply wear mask to exert Halo Effect.
And those with imposter syndrome who self flagellate due to society's messages that being shy and reserved is abnormality, they are actually competent and more intelligent. Which is Dunning Krueger Effect.
In real life - corrupt managerial system will lead to climate catastrophe, corruption, distrust in society, poverty and lay offs due to greed and decisions based on primal immediate childish instincts of satisfyingly own immediate needs which are not urgent at all, without being patient.
Cops who are corrupt will end up murdering innocent random people in the street just because of skin color or appearance or at whim , and abuse their family at home since they cannot regulate their stress in any other way than being psychopathic.
This tells us that quiet silent, empathic people need to break of the shackles of self rejection and realize their own inner strengths and remove unfair and untrue inferiority complex that they are being stigmatized with.
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YT "Internal family systems: A wholistic approach to self-understanding, awareness and healing
"
I love IFS. It helps so much.
Ironically there is available video on my right side depicting Jordan Peterson's video published 2 hours ago, and the title in thumbnail of his video says: "How to defeat your darkest thoughts". That message of his, is perfect example of Firefighter part being vocal. This idea of Crusades and attack on anything mysterious or painful, that is so common with alcoholics. It is devastating when we grow up with ACoA techniques and we are programmed into this ACoA mentality to destroy anything that appears as "dark" to us, or someone mentally ill in authority, unfavorable power dynamics where we are not allowed to speak our own opinion about something being "dark" or actually not.
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When we suppress parts of ourselves we are not happy.
What we resist, will persist - Jung said.
When we are not aware of what is unconscious - it will drive our life instead of reason.
It is very unhealthy to dissociate and live in denial and self rejection.
Sometimes our best intentions and good will are path to hell.
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HE obviously has External Locus of control.
He is obsessed about the danger of being mocked being silent and shy and awkward and weird. that is his primary preoccupation in life - to suppress deep toxic shame, deep core belief that he is abnormal and sick for not being strong and super human so he over-compensate this deep toxic shame by building up fake image of narcissistic superiority over others and superiority complex.
It is paradox that this Jordan Peterson ideology of self improvement does not include being able to hear feedback, honest critique and learning about IFS Model and psychology in general.
He rather likes Anchoring Bias where he accepts only information that confirms his Comfort zone and anything outside of the box is too painful for him. Due to unhealed toxic shame inside him, where he has trauma of being shy and weird in the presence of other people who appear as god to him.
So he cures this neuroticism by becoming god himself, which is narcissistic disorder path.
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YT "Philippe Goldin on the Amygdala and Self Referential Processing
"
IFS Model, exists since 1980s, now it is only now recognized in general public - talks about Self.
Social anxiety is more than a mere rumination and being hyper aware of reality.
IT is also self flagellation, self hatred, self rejection, Quiet BPD, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, codependency and approval seeking - being exposed to narcissistic abuse over long period of time. So this self discipline approach from CBT will not work, it will re-traumatized already traumatized parts. Instead of CBT - there is IFS Model that actually works. No Bad Parts book.
Plus,
Any CBT ritual as response to anxiety will lead to OCD.
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(24.11.2023)
YT "I’ve eliminated OCD intrusive thoughts and I’ll explain how I did it"
I learned that OCD is actually Self-Referential Processing, and there are not much resources about it at all.
In fact medical community such as CBT is keeping this information hidden away from us, since pharma mafia makes huge money profit from traumatized people.
Self-Referential Processing is connected to narcissism (not narcissistic personality disorder) and of course trauma - being exposed to ACoA and ACE in childhood when our brain was suppose to be in safe ambient without relentless error nitpicking and blame and endless criticism.
What helped me is IFS Model.
It helps understand parts of ourselves and see them in non-pathological, non-judgmental way.
We can handle mental health issues in fights and battles - such as
1) Denial
2) Suppression
3) Dissociation
And all those 3 methods are dysfunctional coping mechanisms. They lead to more of intrusive thoughts and anxiety and fear and guilt. Like Pink Elephant paradox. Yet these methods are common in self help industry and CBT. What we resist will persist, said Jung and he is correct.
7:22 "As these emotions started to be released I experienced anger instead of fear"
Yep! You are correct!
It is canned anger - curbed anger inside us that is causing this.
This anger is indicative that we are dealing here with Complex Trauma. We were traumatized into silence and passivity and submission - so we rejected our Self during exposure to trauma. Because of exposure to Coercive control and abuse. It is abuse that caused this intrusive thoughts issues. ACoA and ACE.
7:41 "All of this is based on Self image"
Correct again. That is IFS Model here to explain. Our parts are traumatized and they have burden - and we are not truly Self. Our Self is gone, due to exposure to trauma. Ego Death. So instead we have External locus of control where we depend on external world to feel good and validated. So we end up with controlling methods to control external elements which we cannot control since they are external and cannot be value for us.
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YT "What are Ideas and Delusions of Reference?"
This is narrow CBT look at Referential Delusion.
The most common one is excluded from medical industry, because pharma mafia is making great profit on keeping mental health in darkness. IT is endless source of money supply for psychopaths in the industry.
This is not mentioned at all:
- External reference locus of control.
This is when someone's bad opinion or assumption that they think badly about us - hurt so much and we cannot shake it off.
This is connected to narcissism (not NPD), social anxiety and of course trauma. Amazingly enough this Self Referential Processing has no inquiry, no study, no resources, no books, no you tube videos but in bread crumbs. Nothing. Nada.
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"people who do not change their worldview in the face of overwhelming evidence" That is definition of Personality Disorder, too.
Someone narcissistic is not aware what NPD is, what effect it has on people around him, nor does he care.
All someone abusive is deep toxic shame that is propelling them to put their image of grandiosity in the front, while everyone and everything is small and behind that big screen in front of their eyes - so they cannot see reality, only their image that covers up deep self rejection and trauma that started all this disorder in the first place.
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Better example from real life is Stockton Rush who denied safety laws and warnings about his submersible being build on faulty carbon fibre.
Each dive into deep depths were confirming that he is correct - until he wasn't and then he became mass murderer.
Inability to hear criticism, honest feedback - it is all delusional.
Plus -
we see in cats that they suffer from delusions when they see others walking to to fridge - they think it is time to eat. And they interpret sounds of cutlery as a sound for lunch. This means people are also prone to Operant Conditioning - and many of delusions could be explained through ACoA and ACE and Narcissistic abuse -however CBT and DSM are making too much money on pathologizing anything that moves to make money profit from misddiagnosis.
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(25.11.2023)
" tiny percentage of the population"
This is the same to say that dictators are small percentage of population - yet they make nazi concentration camps, they invade innocent countries and destroy them and they make nuclear threats all around.
Or to say that school bullies are small percentage - yet their victims to commit suicide.
Abuse in family - femicide.
Work bulling - also can lead to homelessness and suicide..
Just because something is small population it does not mean it cannot cause great damage and disorder.
Like Butterfly Effect - small wind from butterflies wings cause hurricane later on.
Small changes in the system have profound repercussions on the system later on.
This is called Terror or minority.
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7 months later and I learned RSD stems from Self Referential Processing - and it is learned in narcissistic abuse, being exposed to ACoA and ACE toxic ambient over our formative years: constant criticism, discipline, corrections and blame where we learned that our Worth and Self is valid only if we are perfectionist. And if any error occurs - whether it is our own fault or someone else's error - we will internalize it and personalize it as a catastrophe and deep shame about who we are, and that our duty is to isolate ourselves and not bother other people and to fix and soothe those who are angry for whatever reason.
This way we are set up for codependency and people pleasing too.
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(26.11.2023)
YT "Don't Believe The Lies | Joel Osteen
"
With ACoA and ACE we will tend to be scared of reacting to toxic people and we will become people pleasers. We will be stuck in social anxiety trauma - and we won't have ability to focus on deception and lies in other people. That is exactly what we need - to heal and to become healthy and without social anxiety - we need this awareness to recognize scam, scammers and pathological liars of all sorts.
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film boards. Vanilla Sky
Narcissists believe that other people are connected to them. That they are their gods (center of their universe) as explained in the movie around 1h 30 minutes into the movie. This is the point of movie - to express suppressed mentally ill idea that many masked and functional narcissists and psychopaths and sociopaths believe - that they can control other people by their own thoughts.
It is the core of mental illness that is at the heart of evil people - and it is very well hidden. Many narcissists and toxic people walk around with this basic mentally ill delusional paranoid belief, and they even get successful in life - but they never invest the psychiatrist to explore those false delusional beliefs.
That is why Tom Cruise was perfect cast for this movie - as narcissist and psychopath he is perfect for this role.
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The point of IFS model is that we trust ourselves, that we do not depend on other people to explain us reality - but instead that we use our common sense, that we have our Inner GPS activated inside us, our True Self, our own True North
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(27.11.2023)
"You are responsible for leaving the situations and people who bring you harm."
There are situations where you don't have money nor visa to leave. Nor you have anywhere else to run.
There are countries in the world where cocaine mafia is running the police, judicial system, politicians.
"that's a victim mentality."
That's victim shaming.
It is a product of patriarchy - where feelings and emotions are perceived as weak and something to hide - and to be replaced with narcissistic image- this is where abuse, wars and exploitation is born
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YT "SOCIAL ANXIETY? ✈️ Move abroad, and here’s why!
"
Unfortunately Complex Trauma (social anxiety) cannot be removed by logic.
It is operant conditioning stemming from Acoa and ACE.
The same way you can't reason out the Pavlovian dogs not to salivate when they hear the bells.
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"When I used to go to social events, I was worried about what others would think about me. A few years ago, I flipped it in my head"
You created personality disorder.
You literally made yourself mentally ill.
You had trauma - and instead of investigating it, you created OCD routine in form of rigid thinking, rigid response (fawning and people pleasing) as a response to trigger impulse (fear and panic that you feel in social situations).
You simply masked your social anxiety trauma.
You made it functional.
Trauma is still there.
ACOA and ACE will not go away through denial, repression nor dissociation - which you are doing.
Trauma will fester inside - it will accumulate and explode one day.
Rigid mindset, automatic response is always mental illness - it is dysfunctional.
In real world there are mentally ill alcoholics, psychopaths and sociopaths who will love to take advantage of your friendship and automatic openness to them.
You set yourself up for codependency. And trauma bonding.
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You care but you block it, mask it and make disorder to be Functional on the surface, while it wreck havoc inside through physical illness.
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YT "JWaller's TECHNIQUE to DESTROY SOCIAL ANXIETY
"
Social anxiety comes in spectrum.
Talking to people , having hard time talking to people is only a small percentage of this scale.
He is talking about 0,05% of social anxiety.
Social anxiety can be Masked and Functional. We actually can talk to people and still have trauma inside that is not healed.
IFS Model helps with this.
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Exposure leads to re-traumatization and making Complex Trauma masked and suppressed.
Self help industry is build on mental illness: Denial of problems, Suppressions of problems and Dissociation.
Self help industry authors are the only one who make money profit on it, without caring the effect on others by spreading dysfunctional coping mechanisms such as denial.
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" and don't pay as much attention to us as we think."
Toxic people pay much attention and they cause social anxiety in others through being rude and critical.
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YT "I have social anxiety @NasonLane
"
Social anxiety is Self Referential Thinking.
CBT and medical industry are keeping this information away from us and keep us sick and scared.
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"What if your crazy boss makes you have to take medication?
"
It is called Self Referential Thinking and CBT and medical industry is keeping this information away from us - because we are much more profitable when we waste our time on therapy and money on medication than actually being healed and move from toxic ambient.
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YT "How To Release Social Anxiety
"
You explain here Functional and Masked Social anxiety.
It is equivalent of having wounded leg and you put a lot of cloth on it to cover up blood and phuss. It will go rancid even when you don't see it.
Making things hidden is still dysfunctional coping mechanism.
Feeling emotions will not help us when we are abused - which is the core of social anxiety.
That is why it is called Social+anxiety. Anxiety stemming from the social factor: toxic and rude people, abusers and parasites.
Feeling emotions will not help us when our girl is pooping in our bed and contemplating destroying our movie career through pathological lying.
Negative thoughts will not evaporate because trauma is stuck inside the body.
We cannot will power our troubles away.
What you are doing is personality disorder.
You simply chosen to build fake narcissistic image on top of unexamined trauma-
and you examine only surface level narcissistic injury emotions - which you replace by grandiosity and denial and suppression.
Dissociation will end up as physical illness.
Narcissism ends up as abuse and being criminally insane - since in the future you will use coercive control to manipulate others.
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These biology-based traits are powerful because they are unconscious and affect us without us even realizing it. Because this is an innate predisposition, you cannot will yourself, think yourself, or use more willpower to control or talk your way out of it.
(Psychology Today) The Struggles of Quiet BPD
Posted July 23, 2021 Over-control may help explain Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder.
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YT "I’m cringey and I’m proud #cringe #adhd #socialanxiety #shorts #youtubeshorts
"
Social anxiety is social + anxiety.
Anxiety stems from other people - their abuse, their coercive control.
It has nothing to do with us. IT is not called Self anxiety.
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She is confident until she needs to pay rent but cannot find money and then needs to work in toxic job ambient.
Then social anxiety will be back and her confidence will depend on narcissistic abuse of mobbing in toxic job settings.
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Unfortunately it does not work in real life - with being stuck in narcissistic abuse due to lack of money to relocate. Or living in toxic shame culture county where intrusive people are the norm.
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Advice will work when we are born with silver spoon in our mouth, when we have money and correct skin color and correct sexuality.
When we do not have money and when we differ from majority - then we will be abused and no amount of confidence will protect us from abuse.
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At first, the minority group, brown-eyes, resisted. Elliot told them that the blue-eyes children were smarter because of their blue-eyes. Children stopped resisting. Brown-eyes became timid and obedient.
Jane Elliot - Blue/Brown Eye Exercise (1968)
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YT "Do you know your neighbor's names? #socialanxiety #anxiety #reddit
"
You mix up shyness with social anxiety.
Obsession with other people is External Locus of control. You believe that all people are good and nice and they are not psychopaths and that your worth depends on being friendly with strangers.
Plus,
You tell us to speak with neighbors but you yourself do not talk via comments here.
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YT "How to Cure Your SOCIAL ANXIETY"
"Tense feeling in body"
Is Complex Trauma.
"Body trembling"
Is Complex Trauma.
Social anxiety stems from exposure to dysfunctional highly critical and discipline childhood - usually when parent is untreated mentally ill and cannot regulate themselves, usually alcoholic.
"Thinking about what to order, my voice not the same"
Is Self Referential Thinking. It is by-product of Complex PTSD.
No Bad Parts helps and IFS Model.
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You don't understand that toxic people exist.
There are real psychopaths out there. There are sociopaths. There are parasites out there. There are Dark Psychology - where toxic people are criminally insane and they scam other people by pretending to be nice and good and friendly.
You also mix up shyness with social anxiety.
Speaking with girls is 0,005% of social anxiety.
Social anxiety can be Masked and Functional - which means we can talk with girls and still suffer from social anxiety.
Social anxiety is trauma, being exposed to criticism in developmental age. So social anxiety is also toxic shame and Self Referential Thinking - which you are not aware that exists.
You are convinced that social anxiety is self anxiety. That is stems from broken mind which you can correct with correct thinking and changing oneself.
Nope.
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety,
This means anxiety stems from social factor. Toxic people. Rude people. Aggressive people. Psychopaths who abuse others. Coercive control. Pathological liars. Criminally insane who use manipulation to exert control over others due to their hidden greed and hidden agenda.
So nope - not all people are just other people. Some people are really dangerous and abusive and cause deliberate harm to others. Some mentally ill evil people are sadists and they enjoy in hurting and causing pain to other people.
IF you believe that you must fix your brain to fit in into toxic society is mental illness and self abuse.
Moral relativism that you explain in your video leads to tyrants being in power - since you absolve their crime and criminal behavior as "just being human"
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"I was worried about what others would think about me."
This kind of worry does not fall out of air, it is not like we are walking in the street and caught slight worry like a common flu just by wondering around by random.
IT is not like we are bored in our life and then create neuroticism out of sheer boredom.
People are born with only 2 fears: fear of loud noises and fear of falling.
Worry about other people comes from trauma and exposure to abuse.
One way we can handle this is through denial and suppression and dissociation - all of which are path to mental illness. By faking being like other people.
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(28.11.2023)
"Let's say everything that you mentioned is right. Then how do you suggest to cure these medical conditions that you listed above?"
I wrote - IFS Model. There is a book called No Bad Parts. I'll put quotes here.
Before quotes - These are not "medical conditions". Neither they are something to "cure".
When we are abused - we react to abuser and unfair unjust situation. There is nothing wrong with our natural reactions to abnormal people and abnormal events.
This CBT perspective that we are abnormal because we experience "bad" emotions is mental illness, it is unhealthy view that is adding up more trauma on top of the existing one. CBT lacks compassion and validation for our pain and what we experienced.
Social anxiety is not something that we picked up in the street - like a common flu. It did not fall out of thin air, neither we decided to worry just because there was nothing on TV. Social anxiety is trauma - we experienced abuse and neglect in ACOA and ACE - and now we have no idea how to protect ourselves other than worry and through self blame.
"The Cure" is realization that we lack Self Worth and we need love, acceptance and validation from ourselves - which we never received during our formative years.
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"Can you communicate clearer what you don't agree with in this video?"
This obsession of ours that we are highly sensitive to criticism, feedback and any negative view - is called Self Referential Thinking. And it is part of social anxiety.
This way - we are unable to hear critique and in the same time we label anyone who is critical as monster - someone to cut off immediately and never listen what the other person is saying.
We quickly put label of disgust and rejection on anyone offering us cognitive dissonance (new perspective on our firm beliefs that appear solid to us).
That is protective mechanism that we learned in ACoA and ACE where we have been exposed to verbal abuse and neglect: constant criticism 24/7 and blame and nitpicking of our errors and faults in our formative years when errors are natural part of growing up.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma. It is not something that we picked up in a street at random one day. We were exposed to Operant Conditioning of criticism and neglect and invalidation day after day and now it is installed inside us as inner critic.
Narcissists also went through such childhood abuse and they decided to choose to react upon this through will power and discipline - and that is how they end up with personality disorder , since they are reacting to this internalized abuse by abusing other people and putting them down.
We on the other hand developed social anxiety - as canned and suppressed anger. That comes on surface whenever we face some critique or injustice or when our solid beliefs are challenged, when we are mocked.
IFS Model helps with this.
CBT does not. This is not issue of will power nor discipline.
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YT "Unmasking Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in Adults ADHD (part 3)"
"Definition of Emotional Dysregulation depends on who you ask"
That is true
HOWEVER-
1) people can actually experience all these different features in the same time
2) people can change and develop new symptoms which they did not have before, and this happens at randomj
3) people can change and extinguish previous symptoms only to be returned later on - for example if they return back to toxic ambient
4) people are not cardboard objects. They are not their symptoms. Plus, some symptoms are never declared by client (due to shame or lack of education) - so nobody knows that they exist. Then they are hidden and masked and made Functional.
People lack words to describe what they experience and use wrong terms to report it. This is something that CBT cannot understand and refuse to understand.
People are not machines. There is nobody who is book-case example of text written in a statistical manual.
Instead of CBT's black and white splitting thinking - in reality there is a spectrum and people are more like jig-saw puzzle than a frame such as Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lista painting at exhibit in one piece.
The trigger is Self Referential Thinking - it is trauma bonding and External Referencing locus of control, that was formed in formative years when a person was exposed to constant criticism and neverending invalidation and discipline all the time.
Eleanor Roosevelt said “Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Well when our Self was destroyed in childhood due to invalidation and unfair and unjust criticism, other people make us inferior since we have no consent inside us to protect us against it. That is Self Referential Thinking installed inside, phenomena which is not explored nor explained not looked at.
As said in video, there is nothing worse than toxic childhood - and we need self compassion, self validation and self acceptance now to develop our Self persona inside us, which is extinguished due to ACoA ACE, instead of Self we have Ego Death - that is pumping out Self Referential Processing and we end up with RSD, social anxiety, Quiet BPD.
It is not mentioned in the video:
Quiet BPD is different from BPD. BPD has 4 sub-types. Quiet BPD is often misdiagnosed as something else.
Quiet BPD is RSD itself since there is terror yet the terror is internalized through self abuse and self blame and catastrophizing.
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"Thanks for the informative comment. I believe we are on the same page. Self-love and acceptance is exactly what I preach. It’s just that you use more scientific terms and I try to speak in a more simple and understandable way ;)"
Yep,
your words come out wrong.
Someone who is socially anxious, especially teens and adolescents who realize that they suffer from social anxiety symptoms - will seek information about issues that bother them.
And a lot of videos and books present and explain to them social anxiety as abnormality and sickness and disorder of a person and their brain that must be cured.
That is a very detrimental message that adds up to Ego Death. Ego Death is when we never developed Self, persona, character at all - and instead we depend on other people to approve and validate us (which is Self Referential Thinking). Now every criticism and negative stance from others will be painful and it will hurt - and that is how social anxiety becomes in the first place.
So any message that we are the disorder that must be cured - will add more and more to this Ego Death, belief that we have no Self inside us. That will add more and more toxic shame.
And then what happens is we over-compensate.
We try to mask our symptoms, we are ashamed of them, we feel that we are inept and we compare ourselves with "confident" and "strong" people who appear externally all up together in their head (which in reality is only their external fake mask to impress others, like Instagram).
This is especially difficult for men, because in society men are not supposed to have any feelings and any emotional issues are labeled as sissy, unmanly, something to be ashamed of and hide away. Something to cure and destroy and deny and reject.
Problem is - that our Self is destroyed due to exposure to criticism in childhood - so any further self shame and self rejection will only add to more panic and more of emotional dysregulation.
The compassion, self acceptance and self validation is the only way to activate our Self and to become more regulated.
I would be careful how to label our emotions and our action plans.
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" but you are not your thoughts or your feelings, so you can confidently allow those thoughts and experiences to be while focusing on whatever you want."
Yes,
you are correct - HOWEVER as IFS Model tells us - we have traumatized and burdened parts which cause Ego Death. Which means we do not have Self inside.
Instead we have External Referencing locus of control, which is social anxiety itself.
So social anxiety cannot be handled with "focusing on whatever you want".
Our trauma parts will not allow it.
Our trauma parts wants us to be safe and to learn from danger. Denial will not make us safe.
Dissociation will not make us safe.
Repression will not make us safe.
Also,
when we are stuck in toxic job from which we cannot run away due to finances - which is common analogy of social anxiety of being trapped in toxic ambient from which we cannot escape - we actually cannot shift our focus anywhere - since toxic ambient and toxic people are all around us.
Please study more about social anxiety other than CBT.
CBT is ableist therapy and it is doing so much incredible psychological damage to traumatized people, complex trauma, aka Social anxiety.
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" I'm not trying to label Social Anxiety as "bad""
Yeah, I would make a primary focus on this message right there.
This is what will help socially anxious a lot.
Perhaps your videos and messages should carry a lot of clear messages and repeated messages that we do not reject ourselves and that we do not label our feelings and emotions as disgusting and something to hide and cover up.
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" I don't believe that social anxiety is something that should be considered "normal" "
It is not social anxiety.
It is reaction to toxic society.
It is Operant Conditioning.
It is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
It is toxic shame.
Check out interchangeable list down below.
That is all social anxiety. While in reality - i is jig saw puzzle created from many different and conflicting parts that appear as singular entity: "social anxiety"
WE simply feel it as social anxiety and due to lack of medical education - we label it as something to cure, we package it up all together - both our reaction to abuse and our self worth.
As if we are abnormal for being abused.
And this is the message which women get in patriarchy too.
They are being told that they asked to be molested by not dressing up.
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What you are describing in your video is Denial, suppression and dissociation.
All these lead to mental illness. Not healing.
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"people 50 years ago suffered way less from social anxiety"
50 years ago - there were social norms.
People were like in Turkmenistand and North Korea - they have been told by authority how to dress and what haircut is allowed, and what is expected from a young person: not to swear, not to be rude, to have marital status and pump out kids. Emotions were not allowed and nobody talked about them.
However in the same time - there was rampant racism and alcoholism.
Nobody likes to be told what to do and where one must go and how to live their life.
That is manipulation and control,
and in the 1960s - these lessen and people started to experience more of social anxiety - because of more freedom and personal choice.
Then bullies and narcissists decided to laugh and mock anyone who is different and abusers and toxic people try to impose the norm onto everyone else through shaming and abusing - and that is how we ended up with social anxiety.
Narcissistic abuse, coercive control is behind it.
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YT "84. How to navigate rejection sensitivity and playing-it-safe behaviors
"
You explain worry about what other people think - and you do not label this phenomena as Self Referential thinking. When we don't know what is truly happening - it is easy to convince ourselves in wrong ableist CBT explanations for example, that we are faulty ourselves while in reality it is totally normal reaction to exposure to trauma.
6:41 "It's like being scared of snakes" "It is the same mechanism"
Snakes do not use coercive control. Tigers act on impulses and instinct which are animal.
People on the other hand use manipulation and they pretend to be good and nice. That is a big difference so this analogy is totally wrong and misleading.
It is not the same mechanism. You know that snakes are dangerous. With people - they don't wear "abuser" label on their forehead. Instead they mask their evilness and appear friendly and nice to us - so we let them in, and we share our private information with such human parasites. Until it is too late and when we do realize that they are mentally ill psychopaths and impulsive borderline , sociopaths.
10:50 "Offer alternative explanations" "Reverse engineer your reaction" "Give people benefit of the doubt"
This is called Denial, Suppression and Dissociation and gaslighting. These all lead to mental illness.
Narcissists count on our Moral Relativism. And as we all know, Moral Relativism (all people are good and toxic people do not exist) end up as tyrants being in the power.
Ableist CBT's black and white (no spectrum awareness) instruction leads to people pleasing and Fawning reaction - and then we are being taken advantage easily.
"that is cognitive reappraisal"
I wonder - what happens when we really are in danger?
What then?
What happens when we do cognitive research and we do found out we are in toxic ambient, that we do not have money to escape it, and that we are inside mobbing and bullying- what then? What happens when we are in narcissistic abuse?
When we live in shame culture country where people are intrusive and rude to each other?
What then?
Why CBT tries to make us believe that injustice does not exist on this planet?
14:30 "Regulate their emotions, able to stop over-reactions"
This is another faulty CBT ideology.
CBT believes that over-reaction comes only in one flavor. Being rampant and out of control.
Nope. Over-reaction comes also in type that is over-control and suppressing emotions and numbing ourselves.
This is unknown to CBT. That is why CBT is ableist therapy and doing so much incredible psychological damage through wrong explanations and wrong advice.
16:16 "My mind will tell me things but I react differently"
This CBT nonsense leads to mental illness, personality disorder and Ego Death.
When we cannot rely on our brain - we are destroying our Self worth and we instead build deep toxic shame- where we are convinced that we are inept.
Then this CBT idea of self correction leads to more disorder - since instead of observing and being curious about our reality - we react in rigid action - which is personality disorder. CBT then instructs us to create walls and reject people and ideas automatically. We become isolated in our head - since we act only in one way: to be calm when we are abused and taken advantage of by toxic people, predators and parasites.
CBT is American invention to keep wealthy Americans calmed down and that they never protest. It was invented in late 1960 when America was plagued by hippie anti-government protests - so corrupt pharma mafia medical industry decided to use mass control and mass lobotomy and to make profit in the same time by keeping people sick. CBT was initially for the criminally insane and survivors of suicide attempts, it was short term therapy to make acute patients available to start talking to therapist and to respond to people after the impulsive action that brought them into mental institution in the first place. CBT is therapy of white lies. So it cannot work as long term therapy and it cannot work for normal people who are neurotics - since CBT is based on lies, self blame and self flagellation and lobotomy really. CBT was invented in Nazi Germany and USA imported it through Operation Paperclip after the WW2, along with Moon Apollo technology - which was also released in public in the same time - in 1969. CBT will not work in third world countries or any country that is not rich - people who cannot buy away their neurosis. CBT is clearly American product, made to farm and milk neurotic wealthy Americans all their life and keep them thinking that they are guilty themselves for being abused and traumatized.
It was really torture to listen to this CBT propaganda from non American resource. It is like virus has spread over borders and infected places which are not rich. Then CBT will turn into oppression and abuse as CBT is a form of narcissistic abuse.
Instead of horrible CBT, there is IFS Model which actually helps with RSD and social anxiety issues.
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"I have the same issue.Even if I sleep I feel my eyes heavy .Is this anxiety symptom? Or it is just tiredness?"
Tiredness.
Anxiety is worry, rumination, intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, triggers - it is feeling like someone accused you of murder and you must defend yourself - knowing you did not do it, of course - but you are forced to remember where have you been 10 years ago and then worry and think what happened - that is anxiety.
Feeling tired eye lids is being tired. Not anxiety.
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YT "Episode 29: Unmasking Rejection: Answering Questions About RSD | Divergent Conversations"
Things you haven't covered here:
1) Ego Death - our Self is destroyed due to abuse in childhood (ACE ACoA). There is no Persona inside. It is only a concoction of coping mechanism instead that appears as Ego, Personality and Self. This non existence of Self is core problem with RSD.
2) Complex Trauma - We were not born with RSD. We learned to react in pain to rejection. Due to exposure to long term narcissistic abuse where we were invalidated and criticized repeatedly.
3) Toxic people - you speak about connection - but you never mention that there are out there psychopaths, sociopaths, parasites, impulsive borderliners, abusers, bullies. Most people are not educated in psychology - so they will hurt us with wrong advice over and over again. Chances are when we "connect" that we will be pricked by others, like in Hedgehog Dilemma.
4) Shame culture countries - there is actually map of the world - google it, where world countries are divided in guilt countries, shame based culture countries and fear countries. It is interesting that shame culture countries are mostly poor and ran by dictators (Japan being the exception here).
5) Quiet BPD is not the same as Borderline - and quiet BPD completely responds to RSD.
6) IFS Model - helps with RSD - because it explains that we have traumatized and burdened parts that run our brain and decisions - and our True Self is not in charge. IFS places compassion and validation and awareness about our Self as the primary focus.
7) Self-Referential Thinking - is RSD itself. It is one and the same thing. Self Referential processing is when we cannot shake off someone's criticism comments no matter how silly or insignificant they were. Due to Trauma bonding and External Referencing locus of control - which happens because our Self is destroyed due to abuse in childhood.
8) Social anxiety is the same as RSD and all CBT resources about social anxiety totally ignore RSD, Trauma and Borderline issues and instead CBT is forcing anyone with RSD without knowing what is going on - to believe that they are hallucinating the abuse and that social anxiety is a mere shyness.
Dr Dodson claims that RSD is not the same as social anxiety because he says that socially anxious do not ruminate after the event. That is not true. Socially anxious have Post-Mortem rumination, they worry before, during and after the event - even when nothing bad happens in social event. It is dismissed as sheer luck or that people have not shown their true face so they were not rude as expected/anticipated.
29:00 "Neurodivergent brain, we often have overlapping narratives. We'll have an experience and then we'll have narrative about it, and then we will have narrative about the narrative. I've noticed neurodivergent people especially once they start to notice their thoughts, they got worse. Now that I'm observing my thoughts, I'm having so much judgments and evaluations and feelings about those thoughts and then you need to be mindful about narrative."
Yep.
I also noticed - when we do not make this self evaluation - other people will make it for us. They will explain in wrong way what is wrong with us and label and stigmatize our behavior, actions and opinions. Without us asking for advice from them. And they will invalidate us since we will appear different due to worry and hesitations. Since criticism is rejection - their reactions about us will become our obsession to worry and analyze about for the next 20 years.
I get feeling from this video that you absolve all other people - as if toxic people do not exist, and that RSD is imagination and being over-sensitive. Nope - there are toxic people who caused RSD in the first place - and they keep on triggering us - and we do not notice them due to worry how we appear to others.
We can resolve issue with other people - by not talking to them and not revealing our feelings, plans or opinions. Not communicating - and this is isolation - which leads to paranoia and delusions, since now we don't know what is going on in our ambient.
Another problem is that there are a plethora of toxic people who are manipulative and controlling and who present themselves as helpful and friend - but instead they do have hidden agenda and they gossip behind our back and take advantage of our voids by acting of being someone else to us - so that we open up to them. If we are obsessed with our feelings - and think that our brain is disorder - then we will totally miss toxic people pushing us around like doll. Some toxic people are sadistic just for the pleasure of hurting other people, that is how they feel good about themselves. If we are caught in worry about the worry - we will miss abuse that is happening in external worlds, where we are oppressed also.
Also this thing about thinking and worrying - all jobs require us to worry and to be obsessed about task at hand. Nobody will pay us to just sit there. We will be punished when we are not perfect and focused on our jobs. And we can't pay food and rent without job - so worry and rumination will be there always - like it or not - society is built on it. If we are parents with babies - we need to worry and ruminate about the children - or else they will parish due to our neglect.
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(29.11.2023)
thinking positive is a form of Dissociation. This leads to mental illness because we end up refusing reality and start to live in delusional world filled with paranoia and false conclusions due to Confirmation Bias and Anchoring bias.
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"my father was 100% sober and he was an asshole. Used to beat us up"
ACoA does not always mean Alcohol. It is also behavior that is toxic and it is creating the same by-product of being in alcoholic home.
This is the most devastating phenomena about trauma - we are not aware we have it.
Media and people tell us that trauma means alcohol and horrible living ambient - which we didn't experience, and then we quickly label our experiences as normal and non- traumatic - while trauma festers inside us and we do nothing about it-
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"Okay, I will try to maintain myself. "
We already are doing that.
That is what causes disorder and dysregulation ongoing.
We are maintaining too much
and our traumatized and burdened parts are trying to handle adult world from child ACE perspective - so we end up with all symptoms.
Instead of over-regulation and over-control - we need to lift the burden and allow our Adult Self to resolve adult issues.
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"is there something wrong with me?"
Nope.
There is nothing wrong with you.
This is normal response to abnormal people around us and trauma and toxic ambient that we are stuck inside.
Without people pleasing we would be crushed and punished and harassed by toxic people who push us to people please.
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(30.11.2023)
Yep. It is called See Saw Effect.
We don't stop talking to people without a reason. There had to be some shock, some event, some build-up, something happened that lead to this.
Social anxiety by definition, official medical description of social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
We are born only with 2 fears: loud noises and fear of falling- We are not born with fear of criticism.
This is operantly conditioned into us, through long term narcissistic abuse (ACoA and ACE)- we were exposed to toxic ambient of Jordan Peterson's internet stoic mentality of discipline and fault finding, and nagging and complains 24/7 and error shaming.
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True.
Many people (like Julien Himself) are convinced that social anxiety is shyness. And that this anxiety can be cured by screaming and talking to people - by not being shy.
This is false belief.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma.
It can be Masked - so we can be talkative and we can scream - yet in the same time social anxiety trauma being stuck inside our body where it festers and wreck havoc.
IFS Model helps with social anxiety. Not screaming.
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"I heard the mind-blowing phrase recently. "The nicer/kinder you are the better you must be at protecting your boundaries."
Oh!! That explains the double conundrum! 🤯😂"
There is a paradox with boundaries.
When we are in toxic ambient - we will be forced to place boundaries. But toxic people are aggressive and delusional - so they will not pay much attention to our boundaries. Then placing boundaries turns into being stuck in codependency and Karpman Drama Triangle - where we constantly react to toxic provocations by wasting our mental physical and financial resources by wasting them on Trump's and Berlin Walls inside our head and around us.
Plus,
when we start to cut off people and block people and door slam - this will become automatic response to any critique and constructive feedback. So placing boundaries as a protection - will result us living in delusional world where we are incapable of absorbing facts of world. We will end up mentally ill - stubborn angry person with a lot of grudge.
Instead of CBT ideology and self help advice about boundaries which makes us only sick - we need to work on our Self Referential Thinking which was installed by toxic people around us while growing up.
It is a false traumatic toxically ashamed belief that we must always be in a defense mode and that we must cut off and place boundaries on many scattered parts of ourselves which we block and never learn nor listen from them.
For example - men are being told that emotions are sissy and feminine and gay - so men grow up with many reality checkers being pushed down and suppressed - like empathy and being people pleaser and listening to people. Then many men end up as narcissists and psychopaths - since many empathic parts are ashamed and pushed down and never allowed to come to surface to tell what is going on in the world.
That is the product of placing boundaries.
It is like North Korea -
they have false and wrong ideology in the basis of their country, and then they keep on placing boundaries to protect the false belief - which ends up as being poor, being depended on China and firing nuclear weapon around like spoiled toddler.
Same applies for taliban countries and the Balkans.
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Narcissism is not the same as narcissistic personality disorder.
There is a healthy version of narcissism.
Regarding Rejection -
narcissists with disorder or not will experience the same sensitivity to rejection as anyone with rejection sensitivity dysphoria.
These all stem from trauma - exposure to narcissistic abuse: gaslighting, criticism, nitpicking, invalidation, verbal abuse.
Narcissists entrain our brain to start worry about criticism and this is how narcissism is passed on onto the next generation.
When we try to suppress the anger and by-product of narcissistic abuse - we will develop sensitivity to criticism. It is like being initiated into evil and we resist it but the allure is too strong.
If we are not taking this narcissistic element into the consideration - we won't ever escape the gravitational pull into the eventual black hole of psychopathy and sociopathy.
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With social anxiety we are wounded due to exposure to invalidation and rejection.
We really need to bathe ourselves with self validation and self acceptance. it is like we are unable to absorb vitamins - and we need excess of it in order to keep immunity strong.
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Better question is why are we not told this?
When we google social anxiety symptoms we get CBT explanations - which are totally wrong and misleading - that social anxiety is shyness and that we need to develop social skills.
Trauma is not mentioned at all.
Destroyed Self is not mentioned at all.
We are not receiving correct information from official medical resources which are suppose to supply us with correct, informative, wholesome data.
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(1.12.2023)
"please explain what you mean?"
Social anxiety is trauma. There is some suppressed abuse that caused it. So any issue other than that is dissociation, not looking at the cause and source of anxiety.
We did not pick up fear of criticism and negative evaluation by walking randomly in the street. It did not drop in our head of thin air. There had to be cause to develop such issues.
Your "trick" about imagining protective shield is a confabulation. It is a fantasy. And it is an attempt to create a boundary - so that we stop soaking up reality. All these are acts of dissociation. Suppressing and denial of emotions lead to mental illness.
When we create boundaries as a reaction to our fears and trauma - we never actually resolve trauma. We only keep it ongoing and we end up reacting to us, being in constant defense mode - and taking no actual action steps to help ourselves to feel safe and secure.
Social anxiety is destruction of Self. Due to exposure to relentless criticism and discipline in childhood through ACoA and ACE - we were programmed and conditioned into a false toxic shame belief that we are inept and worthless. This belief needs to be exposed and our traumatized parts need to learn that we are adult now, capable of tolerating distress and toxic people and do everything to keep our goals and task in the first place.
With your trick - we never learn that we are capable. We are only confirming toxic shame installed programming that we are passive and bad and wrong - and therefore we must have this imaginary boundaries cocoon around us to keep us safe. That will keep social anxiety alive - since we never allow ourselves to alternative and healthier beliefs, other than those which we were hypnotized into.
Instead of tips and tricks - better and saner approach to social anxiety is through IFS Model.
Where instead of avoiding and suppressing and deflecting difficult emotions we now listen and hear them and understand them. Something that we never experienced in ACE developmental years.
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Confirmation Bias. Self-Referential Thinking. We interpret reality with tools we know that exist and tools that we have in possession. Other than that will be totally outside of our awareness.
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IFS works. Seems to me like Weekly Group did not get the basic part of IFS: that there are no bad parts and our urge to help ourselves is Manager and Firefighter being over-active. Not knowing how to help conclusions about ourselves due to Self Referential Thinking. This means - we cannot know better or more - since we are bathing ourselves in Confirmation Bias. The issues we have are calling for us to break the ice and see external world and reality - instead of fixing ourselves.
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YT "What is Coherence Therapy? | Coherence Therapy - Part 1 of 5
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CBT does not work because it ignores narcissistic abuse, poverty and external influences like oppression or living in depraved country (where crime is legalized). CBT ends up as gaslighting where we are suppose to believe that toxic people do not exist and that we are safe in Chernobyl environment which is utterly toxic. CBT tries to lobotomize our natural disgust toward injustice and crime and make us believe that bad reality does not exist. In another words - Martha Mitchel Effect - and CBT is used in politics and hence as a tool to stigmatize the target and CBT is tool to weaponize psychiatry. In CBT universe, injustice and difficult emotions do not exist - and that makes CBT ableist therapy that is creating mental illness and delusions.
When we are abused - there is nothing abnormal in our reactions nor thoughts. There is nothing to fix inside us - it is the society that is toxic and abuser-centered. Even this word abuse is abuser-centered. The better term is perpetrators and coercive control and oppression, unfavorable power dynamics - in which whistleblower is labeled as crazy for experiencing manipulation, while predators walk away hands free.
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(2.12.2023)
" I am unpicking my response starting by finding I am safe "
This is wrong way.
that is CBT.
When we force our brain to believe that it cannot trust itself/oneself,
the brain will create toxic shame.
Toxic shame is deep distrust of our instincts, about who we are, our identity, our persona.
You basically create a civil war inside yourself.
Where logical part is trying to suppress and deny reality - and reality being harmful and painful as it is -
and this painful reality will hurt traumatized parts inside us, which were made broken by exposure to ACoA and ACE operant conditioning (constant criticism, constant drama, accusations, blame, manipulation, control).
These traumatized parts are part of us - it is wrong to suppress them and pretend that they are not inside us. If we do this -
we will be exploited by abusive and toxic people in life. We will become people pleasers and fawn to predators - instead of leaving them, cutting time spending with them, cutting contact or confronting them if they are not criminally insane/dangerous.
Because toxic people will sniff out that we are confused when we are treated with disrespect and they will parasite and farm and milk our unhealed trauma.
While in the same time - we will logically interpret their misbehavior and their anti-social behavior as us being too sensitive and delusional - which is gaslighting.
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3.12.2023
"Skill issue"
Nope.
This is the same to say that a depressed person lacks skills about humor.
While in reality - it is the external circumstances like poverty or violence that keeps depressed person without necessary skills.
In the same manner - when we shuffle social anxiety - we are doing it with tools that we learned in ACE childhood filled with ACoA - constant criticism, neglect, invalidation, nitpicking, fault finding. Now as adults - this is all we know, we have no idea that there is an alternative way to think, have ideas, take actions, talking, behaving, acting - other than self blame, self flagellation and seeking approval from others.
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4.12.2023
Cognitive distortions are not endemic to social anxiety. All people have these.
Plus - they did not fall out of thin air onto our mind. Their cause is in exposure to narcissistic abuse.
Hence it is damaging to believe that we must fix our brain in order to handle oppression.
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Setting boundaries is the worst thing to do with social anxiety.
Now you place toxic people inside your mind 24/7.
You must invest energy, money, focus, goals that are related and co-related with toxic people - in order to avoid them. This way toxic people control you.
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Self-help industry helps only to the authors. IT does not work in real life - since we need to activate our inner GPS, and not to be codependent on other people to guide us.
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YT "Social Anxiety DOES Drop Away"
"Freedom from social anxiety"
She is fusing social anxiety with societal abuse.
She links these two separate entities together, as we all do.
Social anxiety is not bad - it gives us limitations and keeps us in humility. It prevents us from becoming narcissistic monsters who abuse other people when dysregulated.
Without social anxiety we would be like Diogenes in Ancient Greece: we would urinate and poop in public, we would masturbate in theaters, we would smell like garbage and we would spit random people around. Without social anxiety we would not take care of our hygiene and how we treat other people - we would abuse others until we get punished.
What she fuses is abuse and toxic people. That is not social anxiety. That is oppression and coercive control.
Social anxiety is only a REACTION to toxic people, abusers - it is alarm system that signal our brain that we are under attack and that we must protect our well being.
The true problem are narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths, parasites and abusers who control and manipulate others.
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Social anxiety is not shyness and fear of talking to random people.
Social anxiety is equal to being stuck at toxic job with mobbing from the boss, colleagues and customers 24/7 and in the same time you can't quit this toxic job due to finances - so you have to endure the abuse to survive. So basically you do speak with people and strangers - but this talking is abuse and put downs and criticism and nagging and complaints and Ad Hominems.
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Toxic people target anyone who speaks the truth - since the truth exposes toxic people.
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This is great but this does not help with SOCIAL anxiety.
SOCIAL anxiety is not the same as general anxiety about life.
Social anxiety makes you want to end your life - you are not scared of mortality at all due to amount of abuse and trauma and poverty.
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Those who were traumatized want to end their life and they can't construct the future.
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Yes. Abuse destroys our personality and hence our future, our goals, our tasks, our purpose, our destiny.
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If you depend on other people to become better - that is called codependency and trauma bonding. Your happiness will always depend on other people which is called External Locus of control - instead of trusting your Self inside.
Due to abuse, our Self gets destroyed and we end up with depending on other people to feel better - which is also called Quiet BPD.
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Self help industry is parasiting on our trauma with wrong and detrimental advice which only leads to mental illness.
If we decide to refuse and reject reality - we will build up delusional world, paranoia and later on schizophrenia - just because we cannot handle reality.
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"Nobody's opinion matters unless they're giving you help"
What happens when toxic people put on a mask and pretend to give us help?
What then Einstein?
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YT "
How To Get Rid Of Social Anxiety FOREVER"
Anticipating future is not bad - it provide us with information to handle difficulties in life.
We need to have ego - without ego we would be people pleasers and insects who do nothing in life but industry without any well being for one Self.
In real life - we will actually be paid for our job to anticipate the future and to be perfect. Without it we won't be able to keep our job.
All people cover up their insecurities. Without it, we would be Digenesis in Anxiety Greece - who pooped and urinated in the streets and smelled like garbage and masturbated in theatre.
Toxic people matter - and they abuse us - so there are dangerous people out there who will exploit and take advantage of us or simply be sadistic and enjoy in our suffering when we fall in their pre-planned traps.
People who went through trauma in childhood are not comfortable with themselves because Self was never developed. This issue cannot be fixed with willpower and logic.
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Without taking your life seriously you would create pain and suffering for yourself and others.
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YT ""The Truth About Social Anxiety: Life-Changing Facts and Strategies for Overcoming It"
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With ableist CBT when we reshape our thoughts and behaviors - we build toxic shame (deep core belief we are abnormal while other people are normal for not displaying openly their fears), and then we self sabotage ourselves into being passive and codependent - since now we don't trust our brain anymore. With CBT we will become people pleasers and passive and fawn to people - who will further exploit our lack of Self and lack of trust in our own brain.
"medications" are pharma mafia parasiting on people who were traumatized, legalized mafia in corrupt medical industry.
Social anxiety can me Masked and Functional and yet doing damage deep inside, since social anxiety is Complex Trauma and Quiet BPD and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - which CBT blocks and bans us from learning about these.
We can learn skills and still be anxious.
We can expose to toxic people and social anxiety will not go away - as much as being in Chernobyl will not make us strong from being exposed to toxicity.
Grounding techniques will not help when we are abused in job place of family or neighborhood - and when we cannot relocate due to lack of finances. Then grounding will only make abuse sinister and more harmful - since we become passive about it and allow it to happen.
Social anxiety is hypervigilance - so preparation and visualization is already part of social anxiety.
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YT "DONT MAKE this social mistake #socialanxiety #anxietyrelief #anxiety #shorts
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1. Social anxious people do not have friends. Because they have social anxiety. Attachment styles issues.
2. Socially anxious person does not enter into discussion due to toxic shame - and trauma.
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With social anxiety we are conditioned to already believe that we are unworthy - so bullies' criticism is extra painful for us. This is called Self-Referential Thinking.
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Neurodivergence is a county in France for many therapist based on CBT. They do not understand it - they only know to weaponize psychiatry as if abuse is something we can will power out of.
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CBT ought to be banned - in toxic world which is abuser-centered, the targets of abuse are explained by CBT as insane and that we must lobotomize ourselves in order to be adjusted to sick world.
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"This" is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
And nope - we are not always delusional. Sometimes we are being attacked and the other person is really toxic.
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Problem with narcissism is that when you build submersible - and you label critique about how unsafe carbon fibre is - that you end up being mass murderer. Because you end up being unwilling to listen to others and change what is sick and abnormal in your thoughts and actions.
Idea to label all people as stupid is confabulation and delusional and it leads to paranoia and schizophrenia.
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YT "Free from all the social anxiety... 💀
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Social anxiety is normal. It helps us to be human and humane, humble and open to other people and listen to them. Without it we would not take care of our hygiene since our bed smell would not affect us nor other people's criticism about it.
What you want to be free from is social abuse - toxic people who cause social anxiety.
Social anxiety is reaction to toxic people and abuse. The reaction is not the problem. Toxic people are problem - psychopaths in power who use their power position to abuse others because they are mentally ill and evil.
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YT "SOCIAL anxiety is all on your HEAD #motivation #shorts
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Denial is dysfunctional coping mechanism - which leads to mental illness : delusions, paranoia and schizophrenia due to inability to live in reality.
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YT "We often think everyone is watching us, but... #shorts #social #anxiety
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There are actual psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists who are very much focused on exploiting and taking advantage of perfect target: someone who is convinced that all people have good intentions.
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YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety:"
Social anxiety is not being afraid to going to drug addicts places and hanging around with alcoholics and talking to scum at random pubs.
Social anxiety is analogy of being trapped in toxic job without ability to quit it due to lack of money - so we are trapped with mobbing 24/7 from boss, colleagues and customers. That is social anxiety.
Problem with what we want in life is self-referential - so for example a man will hardly admit that he likes feminine jobs since his "friends" and random strangers will accuse him of being gay, sissy and feminine lady boy.
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YT "How I Cured My Social Anxiety
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Being focused on own breathing is sign of neurodivergent brain - spectrum of autism and ADHD. That is not sickness. It is simply that brain is working differently from other , most people. This is not abnormality to cure. Instead of rejection and pathologizing - it deserves our respect and understanding in order to regulate ourselves and function in life - other than disciplining ourselves to become zombie.
Autism and ADHD come as spectrum - it means we don't need to have total all symptoms of it.
When we take social interactions seriously is not sickness nor abnormality. It is a sign that we have high moral and ethical standards - and that is a good quality that will keep us off from jail or causing harm to other people which we would otherwise regret all our life.
It is only toxic society that attacks and mocks other moral and ethical people in order to continue unpunished with their criminal insanity.
When we adapt behavior from other people that is called codependency - and it is a sign we hate ourselves and we have toxic shame inside us - and we reject ourselves. So now we depend on other people to approve us and validate us. That can end up as narcissism when we decide to abuse people in order to manipulate and control them back. When we refrain from abusing other people - we end up with social anxiety issues. And then we hate ourselves and we are ashamed of being "weak" and we try to be perfect in order for other people not to criticize us. This is called Quiet BPD and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
We will feel confidence when we follow IFS Model - when we accept and validate ourselves. And when we no long feel ashamed for being focused on our breathing and being shy sometimes.
When we grow up with invalidation and alcoholic and para-alcoholic home ambient - we won't notice bullies - since this is constant to us. Like fish in a water - we don't recognize when we are bullied because we think it is normal for others to mock us and punish us when we make errors or when we are different - so they correct us through bulling.
Social anxiety can be Functional and Masked - so when we talk in front of other people - we can still have social anxiety trauma - think of Michael Jackson. He had severe social anxiety yet his was Functional - and he performed in front of billions of people without problems. Yet his unresolved trauma ended in tragedy. Same story with Whitney Houston and Prince.
Social anxiety is not fear of speaking. That is shyness.
You never had social anxiety at all. You simply mislabeled your experience with social anxiety and now you are convinced that you beat social anxiety - while in reality - you simply outgrew your shyness.
Shyness goes away with exposure and with talking.
Social anxiety is being abused and being in mobbing situation - and then speaking is not issue at all but coercive control and manipulation by toxic person is the sole problem.
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YT "Powerful Reverse Psychology Tool For Confidence
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I would say it depend whom we want to talk to.
If we have our goals and task in life - it is natural to boost ourselves to talk to people related to our task.
HOWEVER
if the point of talking to other people is to prove someone else that we are "macho" - than this is not healthy task and it should be discarded. Other people's opinion is narcissism.
Instead of seeking validation and approval from others - our goals is doing what we like.
For men, it would even be doing feminine jobs which toxic people may label and then ashame us for being gay, sissy or lady boy -
so I would really uncover our fears instead of fighting them and proving ourselves to be confident.
I would rather be focused on what our goals are and check whether our goals and dreams and aspirations in life are actually depended and concocted from the fear of ridicule and toxic shame from mentally ill evil people around us.
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YT "Semen Retention Cured My Social Anxiety
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You confuse shyness with social anxiety.
Social anxiety is not fear of talking to random whores. Social anxiety is not being obsessed with vagina and then being scared of not having any to soak.
Social anxiety is having toxic job filled with mobbing 24/7 with abuse stemming from mentally ill boss, impulsive borderline colleagues and sociopathic customers all the time - and in the same times we cannot quit this toxic job due to finances. That is social anxiety. It is being abused. Abuse. Narcissistic abuse. Mental abuse, being exposed to emotional abuse.
Why is this so hard to understand for most you tubers?
Social anxiety can be Functional and Masked.
This means - we actually can approach prostitutes and talk to them without feeling scared - and that social anxiety is still present inside.
This obsession with genitalia is nothing else but a mere shyness. This has nothing to do with actual social anxiety.
After all - it is called social+anxiety. It is not called beaver anxiety. It is not called sex anxiety. It is called social + anxiety because anxiety stems from the social. Social are not only girls. Society means all people. Anxiety is from all people who are toxic.
Can you get this facts straight? Is is too confusing? I don't understand, even the name itself social anxiety tells what kind of anxiety this is.
This idea that you must stop masturbation - is ideology for 12 years old to stop excessively touching their peevy herman. I don't understand how can a full grown young man in his 24 years old believe in this obvious myth spread by catholic-talibans cults from Poland.
Sexual pleasure is natural anti-stress relief. If you cut this off, you are unnecessarily creating more stress in your life. You really need to be careful about information over internet - there are a lot of cults and mentally ill people who spread massive messages which appear attractive - but they are still mentally ill and dangerous.
It is scientifically confirmed that abstaining from masturbation leads to cancer. Look what happens to water that does not flow. It turns rancid. Use your brain, don't believe like naive person to anything appearing on internet.
With sex we don't need to masturbate. Sex is natural force, especially for men. It is masculine energy that drives us go in life even when things are not perfect or good or comfortable. When you cut this off, you become zombie, easy to control and manipulate - and that is what cults want you to become.
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Social anxiety is trauma.
It is not hallucination. We are abused and trauma stems from being exposed to abuse - which we cannot recognize as abuse due to programming in childhood where we learned to self blame.
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Inability to discern insult from education is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria itself.
When we have no idea what is happening to us - we tend to end up with grudge and develop plethora of illness - both mental and physical.
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(5.12.2023)
YT "How To Cope With Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria Understanding RSDysphoria | Tips & Tricks for Coping
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I don't like her idea what CBT is spreading (and then we believe in it) : that our anger is imaginary. If we are older than 15 years old, and especially if we are older than 35 years old - our RSD will be triggered by real psychopaths, sociopaths and people who are not evil but behave in evil ways for whatever reason (their low IQ, their low EQ for example).
When we follow CBT - we end up with more RSD because CBT is based on short term therapy invented for criminally insane and those who survived suicide attempts so in the mental institution they were brainwashed into calming down.
This means- CBT is based on making us believe we are over-sensitive and that toxic people do not exist - which is definition of narcissistic abuse and manipulation and control - and cbt is tool for mass control of traumatized people - from which 0,05% would become massive shooters. So most of us who believe in CBT are collateral damage of governments control - who do not care about well being - but for protection of masses.
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YT "Using Connection To Combat Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)
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I am not sure that making connection with sociopaths and psychopaths who use heave masking to cover up their true face - is correct way to handle our natural reactions to criminally insane evil monsters out there.
Instead of connection - I would go along with our gut - to cut contact with toxic people who trigger us - and work on our Self worth so that we start doing what we truly want to do in life, but we censor ourselves for the fear of persecutions from these toxic people and shame culture who trigger us in the first place.
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Mass media and self help industry is keeping this information away from us, so that parasites can milk and farm our trauma until we die.
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Instead of strength actual reason why we never ask for special accommodation or our human rights as the reaction to RSD is programmed, hypnotized and conditioned self blame, self flagellation, toxic shame, inability to have compassion for Self (since self is destroyed due to aCoA).
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It is important to note as said in video - neurotypical person will also feel the hurt. The pain is there. The pain leads to explosion due to trauma - but the pain is legit, we are not imagining it as CBT tries to brainwash us into believing.
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It is amazing that you have friends at all.
Many with RSD cannot keep any friendships due to trauma and distrust.
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Some use Fight response. Some use Fawn response and have a canned anger inside, wrecking damage without us knowing anything about it until its too late (allergies, auto immune diseases, skin rashes etc)
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If we were validated and accepted instead of mocked and punished - our RSD would not turn into social anxiety trauma now.
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YT "Rejection Transformation | How to handle Rejection || Rejection Motivation #youtubevideo #motivation
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We stop heading for success due to after effects of abuse - the same abuse that caused RSD issue in the same package.
For example,
men will be told that any feminine job is for sissies and gays and lady boys - so many men will not follow their true passion that would provide them fulfilling their true destiny. Instead - due to exposure to discipline and abuse and criticism all the time, due to exposure to mentally ill evil people and narcissists who project their own repressed mentally ill emotions onto us - we censor our desires and urges and natural GPS - and instead we end up being programmed to believe that our job task and meaning in life is to be someone who we are not inside.
Then we will never be successful in life - since we will believe that success means doing jobs and tasks and being around people who are toxic and anti-social - for the fear of not being sissy.
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We really need to be aware that social anxiety is alarm that we are programmed into self hate and self rejection due to exposure to toxic people.
With hypnosis and conditioning - we will strongly believe that we are abnormal for having fears and anxiety - and try to hide it and feel ashamed for it - making social anxiety worse and permanent.
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You are not topic here.
It is your rejection sensitivity dysphoria and narcissism that makes you believe that we are all obsessed with you and who you are.
That is self-referential thinking.
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That is why I dislike CBT. It is pathologizing and weaponizing our natural reactions to abnormal people and abnormal situations.
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"certain people that activate social anxiety in me is always revealing of a certain self limiting belief that I’m not seeing"
We are not built to handle toxic people and being in narcissistic contact with evil people who will trigger our limiting self-beliefs.
This means, we won't learn nothing from being triggered. Instead we will end up with self blame and belief that we are responsible to fix other people's mood swings. Due to ACoA.
" If we avoid and set up walls around everyone who triggers us and is ‘toxic’, we’re avoiding seeing parts of ourselves that will lie dormant for another time unless addressed"
Neither setting walls nor staying in contact with toxic people is healthy.
What I am saying here that due to ACoA and ACE - we are naturally attracting toxic people into our lives. They see that we are nice kind and friendly - and that attracts toxic people. While in the same time experience of invalidation and criticism in childhood hooks us up to related with what is familiar to us: people who put us down and who constantly make drama out of nothing just for the drama itself.
What I am saying here is concept of stepping outside of Karpman Drama Triangle.
That we no longer trauma bond with toxic people with our conditioned belief that toxic people are teaching us valuable life lessons.
Instead of putting toxic people into pedestal - it is more about placing our destiny and purpose in life as our main focus and minimizing contact with toxic people without wasting our energy on building walls or recording toxic people's words so that we somehow learn our lesson.
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"I have anxiety I’m going through it in 5th grade I myself noticed negative thoughts no social life just liked playing games and being alone I had 1 friend in school but I spend the most time alone I’m working my way any suggestions"
This is totally normal experience for 5th grader living in toxic ambient. Toxic people are outside our control - we cannot fix them by self blame and believing that we are abnormal for not wanting to hang around criminally insane kids, future abusers..
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Self-help industry books help only authors who write them since they get dollars from parasiting on traumatized people. Milking and farming anxious people by providing them false information how to handle anxiety.
Self help industry is corrupt and it is based on dealing anxiety through dysfunctional coping mechanisms: Denial, Suppression and Dissociations.
All of these stop anxiety for a 2 seconds but it leads to mental illness later on - since we start to block reality - and then we start to live in delusions and paranoia and later on schizophrenia - making up our own reality and our own false explanations about reality.
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With self help - she no longer feels anxiety, because it is suppressed now.
However as everything suppressed - it will come out on surface as mental illness, allergies, skin rashes, cancer, auto immune diseases.
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YT "PANIC ATTACKS: Three Common Mistakes People Make #panicattack #anxietyrelief
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What happens when panic attacks are not based on false signals and when we are really mentally abused by covert abusers who mask their narcissistic abuse as helping and being nice?
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It is filled with CBT self blame and self pathologizing and apologetic to narcissistic abusers who cause our anxiety in the first place - and you thank him?
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Please learn more about narcissistic abuse and ACoA - and not only brainwashing yourself with this CBT ableism that is using psychiatry to weaponize it and lobotomize our natural reactions to covert abusers.
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"That's not a defect, just a sign of an anxious brain that's gotten into some bad habits"
Brain does not get into bad habits.
This is conditioned into us through abuse and exposure to narcissistic abuse and toxic people over long period of time.
This "anxious brain" is actually traumatized brain. IT is Complex Trauma. Which CBT bans from learning us about it - since pharma mafia cannot make money if we heal.
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YT "How Do You Stop A Panic Attack?
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WikiHow must be banned. Like CBT,, it is doing incredible psychological damage by giving us wrong and false information about psychiatry. IT is weaponizing psychiatry to pathologize our natural reactions to abusive and toxic people like psychopaths and narcissists, especially those who are in power and in authority (pathocracy).
Grounding ourselves when we are abused will allow psychopaths and sociopaths to keep on abuse going and ongoing.
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YT "Overcoming Panic Attacks + Air Hunger #anxietyrelief #anxiety #airhunger #panicattack #stressrelief
Created from @breathewellcoaching
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Any routine as reaction to panic attacks and or anxiety leads to OCD, more of anxiety and later on, mental illness.
When we are abused - calming ourselves is leading to coercive control to continue without addressing the root cause of panic and anxiety: toxic people and evil people who are mentally ill who like to manipulate and control others.
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6.12.2023
ADHD will feel the same effect of childhood trauma - since they are exposed to constant criticism about their core self, about who they are, about errors which are repeatedly shamed and made into catastrophe by mentally ill parent who cannot regulate themselves.
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Evil, some people are simply evil. They are not mentally ill. They do not have brain disfunction. They don't have trauma to account for their evil behavior.
It is in their genes to torture others and to feel sadism, satisfaction from harassing other people just for the sake of it.
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Glib charm is popular person.
Someone who appears super confident and un-naturally friendly but loud and aggressive in the same time.
Someone who has golden mouth and speaks things which most people approve, someone who scans for ambient. Basically that one person who is loud and obnoxious at any group gatherings and sucks up all the air in the room. We need to learn that person who is unnaturally confident is inside extremely devoid of sanity and mental health and they use mask to appear strong and attractive due to narcissism (need for validation and approval)-
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".To bully your self or over criticize has nth to do with CBT,"
It has a lot to do with CBT.
CBT tells us that our emotions are bad and that we must be perfect, without mistakes and that we must never feel any bad emotions. This way CBT is self abuse.
"CBT has changed my life for the better"
CBT is therapy of Denial, Suppression, Repression and Dissociation. Lobotomy.
This is dysfunctional coping mechanism and all of these lead to mental illness.
Real life does not collude with us.
Eventually we will experience some kind of trauma or abuse.
We can be super movie start only to end up with spouse who poops in our bed and has hidden agenda to steal our movie career money and to destroy our reputation so we never work in business again. We don't have control over this, we cannot control evil people - and predators are out there.
When we deny reality and pretend that nothing bad is happening - we will end up living in delusions and paranoia eventually - it will end up as schizophrenia.
With denial you simply end up believing that you can trust all people - only to end up as naive victim of a scam.
With suppression - you end up being NPC Wojak background character who is burring his head in the sand and is not active in social life.
This way people like you allow Putins and Trumps And Tories to be in political power -
you build up corruption by your inaction and pretending that external world is none of your business.
And that is what is wrong with the world today - selfishness and egocentrism and not caring for problems in the world.
That works great when we have health and money. When these are gone, CBT leaves us high and dry, codependent and people pleaser - without any goals in life and genuine tasks - but only herd mentality and groupthink and being afraid of following our true destiny.
CBT will work great if you are white heterosexual male with money.
Then due to toxic society halo effect - you will find any job much easily than others. Your pay check will be automatically higher. Not because you are competent - but because of your pee pee that gets erection on vagina. Especially if you pop up kids - then you will get even more special treatment - and you will be convinced, due to egocentrism - that CBT is helping you.
While in reality it is patriarchy, entitlement and privilege that you were simply lucky enough to be born with that keeps your head above the water.
Then it is easy to patronize others and tell them that CBT is great.
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"I am British so we always say sorry, it's cultural - sorry it really is 😂. We apolgise for getting in the way of our own shadows.
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Still better than living in the Balkans where F you and you are $hit - is common way of communicating in poor permanently underdeveloped countries, adding up to already present stress of bad quality of life by being rude to one another.
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This actually has an official name.
When we have label (no matter how much labels are damaging and self fulfilling) we actually have shiny LED light in a very dark window-less room where we bump onto objects when we move around in that pitch black darkness.
It is called Negative Politeness. It means going out of our own way in order not to hurt another person with our words and or action.
It is fawning.
This behavior is result of trauma and ACoA ACE in childhood where our needs, opinions and wants and legit desires were punished and ashamed on daily basis, operant conditioning - as explained in video around 4:30
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I learned that it is not much about what words we must say to abusive people who are intrusive, pathological liars and accusatory/persecutory to us.
It is more about developing Self - self worth which was destroyed in ACoA and ACE.
And this is done through IFS Model - by accepting all parts of ourselves - so that we no longer linger onto shame about who we are - and then constantly apologize for nothing.
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YT "Toxic Shame: How It Leads To Chronic DYSREGULATION (And How To Reverse The Cycle)"
IFS Model - and it helps. No Bad Parts.
Toxic shame stems from deep conviction (not even belief) it is really buried inside us that we are bad person. This deep knowing about this is so buried and cocoon inside us that it is masked and made functional after years of operant conditioning of ACoA. That is the core juice from which weed of toxic shame decisions come into surface - and we have no idea that deep deep down we reject and hate ourselves for this feep self hatred and self disgust that is covered and shelled and shelved inside us - totally outside of our awareness.
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This is common issue with trauma. we end up with quick fusion:
we believe if someone is honest and authentic that this person is mean - even though they never use vulgar language or made any threats or done anything anti-social. Yet your reaction is if all of these things were true.
While in the same time - we tend to believe psychopaths and sociopaths who use golden words to explain them as safe and normal and accept their ideology without ever analyzing them - since they made their psychopathy to be functional and masked. You end up interacting with fake people and trusting them - only to be abused and taken advantage over and over again.
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YT "This philosophy helped me overcome toxic shame and guilt as a young man"
The reason why we treat ourselves as enemy is because of deep, covered and masked conviction (it is not even belief) that we are bad person inside. Due to ACoA and ACE - exposure to relentless criticism during our formative years.
This deep self hatred gets triggered by other toxic people around us who abuse, harass and are intrusive and take advantage of us - especially if they are in some kind of power dynamics - we depend on money , shelter, info, papers from them. So they can abuse us easily and trigger our core toxic shame convictions inside us. And we have no idea that we hate ourselves deep inside - since nobody knows what is toxic shame.
And as the result of not knowing what is happening -we end up with plethora of wrong decisions and wrong reactions to this deep layered covered toxic shame inside us.
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Toxic shame is operant conditioning. A hypnosis. A programming.
This cannot be resolved though logic nor books.
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Sometimes reality is suffering but toxic people mask it with glitter and then gaslight us into being "too sensitive" and "crazy" one.
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" Few friendly faces on strangers. Be realistic about where you are"
" don’t tell yourself you can’t make the most out of every opportunity"
Yeah, I don't understand what you are talking about here.
Are you saying that we must depend on other people - so that we take advantage of them?
Are you saying that we are parasites who are incapable of creating and be creators in life, to make things with our own hands, but instead we must depend on strangers and never learn things on our own?
That our validation and sense of worth must stem from other people AKA external referencing locus of control.
Are you saying that?
What are you saying here?
If we live somewhere where there are no sidewalks - well if we are older than 18 years old - we actually can start a campaign to built walking paths.
10 years ago I posted a tweet about building bicycle paths around Croatia - which I saw in Slovenia - funded by EU. The whole Balkan is without any kind of bicycle - walker support system and roads are the size of small car (5 meters, while in USA it is 10 meters width) - so neither walkers no bicycle riders no car owners have any system to function and move about - even in Balkan "cities".
My post was picked up by a politician - and now there is a plan to make a grand bicycle path from Slovenia to river where I live - this is still in plan production - but it did make at least awareness about it - since i talked about it. I did not complain to random you tuber about it. I have done something about it in concrete steps.
When we nag and complain - we are stuck in victim mode and external referencing where we believe we are traumatized wounded child without adult possibilities that we have at our disposal.
I know that my request may not come into fruition - but I can talk about it at the right places and spread awareness. Still better than grudge and being passive and howling to the Moon.
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YT "Toxic Shame In BOTH Narcissist AND Victim In Under 60 Seconds
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Love the message!
This is something I realized actually past 2 weeks, after learning about IFS Model.
I realized that my toxic shame is based on deep conviction of knowing deep inside - outside of my awareness that I am bad person - just for existing. And this conviction (it is not even a mere belief) it is total convition that I cannot remove. IT is lodged in my unconsciousness - and I know it exists only through triggers - when I encounter someone angry or criticizing or complaining or vulgar or violent - it gets activated.
For 30 years I believed, I was convinced that these plethora of reactions emotions are social anxiety. And now I know that they are toxic shame - triggering deep core protected hypnosis inside me - that I am unworthy incompetent person that I am disgusted with that I cannot accept.
Now I am at the stage how to break through this cocoon and see what to do with this trauma energy lodged in my body , like an apple in Kafka's novel.
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"What does the apple symbolize in metamorphosis?
The Apple was the symbol of wisdom and can be attributed as the cause of human suffering. As it sticks to Gregor's back, the apple is eventually buried in a layer of accumulated dust. The dirty apple on Gregor's back could be symbolic of his unchanging nature.
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"The metamorphosis Apple
Both good and rotting apples can be found in the first scene, the first one on the tree, while the latter lie on the dirt. An apple grows and rots, as the fruit symbolizes both knowledge and result in this case, it illustrates that when a person gains knowledge, learning may result in negative consequences."
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YT "How to overcome shame
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"Just like social anxiety, shame can be result of not living up to this external standard that we see: somebody else's values. So an important part of working on shame is getting our values and acting in accordance with them. That's how we start to develop a sense of self-esteem. It is not easy understanding what our own values are. When we act in congruence with our values, we see our self worth go up. Our sense of agency, use our wise mind."
Yes!
I see social anxiety being equal to toxic shame. These are inter-changeable.
The toxic culture, toxic ambient seeded this basic perception of being bad person - just for existing.
For example - for men, someone who feels their destiny and job lies in what is considered feminine jobs - such person will be ashamed since childhood for being weird and abnormal and instead that they must build fake persona in order not to be scrutinized or punished every day for being true to authentic self.
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(7.12.2023)
When we depend on other people to save us and guide us - that is called codependency.
This is the reason why (good) therapist will never tell you what to do in life.
This conclusion must come from within us, it must be our heart's desire, our destiny why we were born on this toxic planet in the first place.
Think of Nikola Tesla.
If he lived today - he would be punished and mocked by toxic Balkan people because he likes Pidgeons and numbers.
We would never have his gift - electricity, wi-fi, radio. Because other people would "cure" and "help" him to become "normal".
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Self improvement is narcissism. It is based on toxic shame internalized - believing we are faulty and abnormal inside. So this false conviction makes us improve. that is narcissism mechanisms.
when we are healthy and sane - we base our actions and opinions on ourselves, our common sense and our natural desire to grow and learn and improve. It is based on being satisfied about who we are. That is healthy.
When we base our improvement on toxic shame - this leads to neurosis and mental illness in the long term. Soon enough many men will start to abuse other people as part of self improvement - and obviously this is no longer self improvement - it is abuse.
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We need to be careful with pathologizing ourselves.
This need to correct and fix our brain is due to toxic shame - so often seen in men - where men are industrialized to be slaves to more powerful men. Then pruned and ashamed for being different and thinking differently than the given default mode set up by psychopaths in power.
It is always bad idea to weaponize psychiatry as a tool to discipline ourselves into obedient slave to corporations and toxic society ideals.
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YT "Curing the Psychopath, BPD, Trauma by Becoming the Present Moment. Gabor Mate Social Media. Ifs Self
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I gave a lot of time to this thought provoking topic.
First of all, if rich are left - then they would become poor. They need poor in order to get rich through exploitation and taking advantage of the weaker ones. They need someone to serve them and to work for small paycheck. When cheap labor is gone - their money making machine would die too.
Then - in the end - rich will never take their money with them to the next life.
Also, we have Scandinavia - where the work is balanced with private life. Vacation times for example - they have 4 weeks of summer vacation. Their time spent at work is shorter than in the rest of world. And they are happiest nation in the world.
Where we have Burma and Bangladesh - who instead of GDP - they have measurement of happiness instead.
And I would say that living in certain countries have better opportunities than in poorer countries. For example I read that average waiting time to buy house in America is 2 years, while in Russia it is 99 years. We need to define what means being poor. We take many things for granted - which for other people is luxury. So - I would also take inventory about how we define material things in our lives.
For example - I noticed before learning about trauma - that I spend all my paycheck on nothing - on food on clothes. I never had a goal in life.
Now I know this is due to toxic shame being internalized. So my toxic shame was spending money in order to feel good about myself.
Whereas I know now - that I lacked my inner compass, my inner GPS - what is my destiny here on this toxic planet. Who I am authentically.
When I am aligned with my purpose, who I am - money is no longer being spend on unnecessary things anymore in order for me to feel good about myself. So this way I can control finances more than spending them all each month on nothing.
With IFS i did realize that I defined my worth on being scared of what other people will think of me - and hence pruning my financial freedom without being aware that I am doing it.
There is a saying - when we know what we like to do - we will never work again in our lives - because we will enjoy doing it.
Another thing that I learned thanks to trauma - is that we need to be aware of toxic people and toxic ambient - and really be focused on detecting it and eliminating it as soon as we have means to relocate.
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It is not only manipulation. It is survival strategy.
Often we are coerced into fawning.
Coercive control.
Coercive control is criminal act in some countries. There is abusive, manipulative, dangerous person on the other side who is pushing us into people pleasing - via criticizing, unfair judgment, abuse, mocking, violence.
IT is really important that we realize that trauma responses are coping mechanisms. They are not character, they are not personality, they are not who we are as person. It is simply strategy to survive abnormal people and abnormal situation.
When we are not aware of this, we will add more trauma on top of the existing one and cause unnecessary new burdens to carry: that we are bad person who is "manipulative" - while in reality we were controlled and manipulated into it.
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It's not always flaws. It is "simply" toxic shame internalized inside us: conviction which tells us that we are bad person in our core, inept and worthless. And then this is layered and covered up - and we have no idea that this basic view is a motor which brings on bad decisions in life repeatedly.
In the movie Oppenheimer - he did his job, he had his task to do - and he was accused by treason by narcissistic person Strauss - who was convinced that Oppie talked bad about him with Einstein. Strauss assumed that due to his egocentrism that people only talk about him. Strauss was abuser here. He saw offense where there was none. He was delusional. He had paranoia and projected it onto totally innocent person - and almost sentenced Oppie to death - just because of his imaginary world.
In most cases this is what happens to us - which triggers our trauma - we are accused by mentally ill monsters about things we never did - and then we believe that we did something wrong and that we have flaws, and that we must fix ourselves and that it is our fault to be abused.
We put burden on ourselves for having burdens.
When in reality - there is absolutely nothing wrong with us. We were simply a target for some very disturbed sick mentally ill parasites and predators who society cannot recognize as someone who needs to be institualized and put away from society to cause harm to.
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(8.12.2023)
I just had realization - that neurotypical folks as majority is using explanations which are wrong and misleading and we end up believing them.
Such as that anger is not emotion.
Neurotypicals will get angry a lot - but they refuse to label that as emotion. Especially true for men. Then we will be called too sensitive when we react to their hysteria. And end up with shame and guilt for being "too sensitive" while in reality - it is neurotypicals who most probably hide and mask and make functional their own parts which are neurodivergent.
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It is impossible to understand what is trauma or abuse.
People who never experienced it will use their reference points to describe it - which are not based neither on trauma nor abuse.
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"is social anxiety the same or diff to anxiety"
First of all - it is anxiety - is is called social+anxiety.
Second of all - it is totally possible to experience social anxiety and other sorts of anxiety - such as general one called GAD.
What is crucial for any anxious person - first and foremost to understand - is that anxiety is not our persona. It is not personality, it is not our core being who we are person.
It is super easy to equate our emotions with our self worth - and then end up feeling more depressed and more anxious. Some people even tell this - due to their own disorder - and it is crucial that we don't believe them, their lies.
Third important thing is to realize that emotions are not bad.
There is nothing to stuff down, destroy or feel unworthy or inept for experiencing emotions.
In toxic patriarchy system - all emotions are bad and disorder ,unless anger which is labeled as normal social skill in toxic systems.
Anxiety tells us that something is wrong.
And in 99,9999% of cases - anxiety is always connected to toxic people and abuse. We are being harassed by toxic people who are perfect in masking their abuse and projecting it into us, so that we doubt ourselves and that we label ourselves as crazy and abnormal for feeling anxiety.
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It depends what kind of thoughts we are talking here.
If we ran over a child on bicycle on the road - it is wrong to convince ourselves that intrusive thoughts about reporting it to ambulance and police - are illusion.
In the same manner,
when we are at some job - it would be dangerous to ignore feedback from critical people who scream and yell at us - since if we operate something - ignoring safety rules could end in death.
This is why this whole OCD coaching is on wrong footing.
We are talking here about trauma and only IFS Model helps.
Trying to convince ourselves that our moral and ethical standards are all wrong - could end up with psychopathy , sociopathy, narcissism and schizophrenia - since we will refuse to accept reality.
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" I never said avoid"
I never implied so. My comment was not against you.
This is social anxiety itself.
We personalize everything that moves.
Due to Self Referential Thinking.
This is Self referential processing - and we were programmed to take on the blame and think that other people are always talking only about us and are focused on us and anything someone else says is filtered through us.
That is narcissistic abuse byproduct - that we start to think like narcissists.
And social anxiety is our body attempt to fight off this urge to become narcissist ourselves. And then we end up stuck with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - where we automatically think other people's comments are solely about ourselves and not general guideline in align with our thinking. We simply do not see alternative explanation - but immediately think we are being hated and attacked by others. Self Referential Thinking. CBT and selfhelp industry is keeping this information from us - so we have no idea what is going on. This way we are easy target to milk and farm through coaching and books and pills for all of our lives, never moving inch from trauma.
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(9.12.2023)
"If you have committed a crime and try to convince yourself that it is OCD then that is a completely different story. "
You are confabulating reality and try to fit in your delusions into real life.
In real life
we have an example of OCD coach from Canada, called Mark Freeman.
He like you is also concerned about well being and stopping OCD thoughts.
But what happens in reality is that he is narcissists and cannot grasp reality. He rejects and information that is not aligned with the product that he is selling to the masses: OCD cures. His books and promotion depends on his delusions and own explanations about OCD - while in the same time - he is using the same tools to suppress thoughts - to suppress information that he is a narcissists, that he is toxic, that he is anti-social and that he is egocentric - and that he cannot handle new and different information.
People like you who think like you have build system of toxic patriarchy and religion for 2000 years.
System of delusions and confabulation - rejecting reality and any new information - just for the fear of experiencing emotion.
Suppression, denial and Dissociation are mental illness -they are dysfunctional coping mechanisms which lead to delusional disorder - and keep abusers and narcissists and boderliners anti-social. Due to inability to hear or understand or listen to any information not aligned to their fantasy.
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"your tone is very unusual and it feels like you’re projecting."
I am not topic here.
"I’m merely confused by what you say"
This confusion is common by-product due to gaslighting by CBT.
" If a person has killed another person then this isn’t pure OCD"
What happens when person is unable to hear criticism and he is confused?
What happen when such person is Rush Stockton who build carbon fibre submirsible - by firing HSE engineers who warn him it is dangerous?
Only to end up killing 4 innocent people onboard due to inability to hear or understand other people?
People like Rush Stockton also have impression of criticism being OCD - and people like him also have mechanisms and tools to quiet down intrusive thoughts and inner critic and outside critics. Then they end up killing people with this same tools that suppose are not the same as killing someone. Until they are.
"Having an irrational fear of harming someone to a point it impacts their life is pure OCD"
Oh really,
and what about people who work in medical industry? At train or airplaine control?
They do not have conscience that any smallest mistake won't harm someone?
This is direct example how CBT is dangerous therapy. It is cut off from the real life.
CBT represents only small narrow tunnel vision of life and tries to copy-paste it on general complex life situations - which is impossible. Rigid thinking is dysfunctional and always leads to mental illness.
"The whole meaning of pure OCD is that the action never took place anywhere other than the persons head."
This is your confabulation.
"All you are doing is "
All you are doing is being unable to listen to hear and to understand others.
And that is why CBT ought to be banned.
Another term for not being able to understand new information and then destroy it with fake logic - is personality disorder.
With CBT and self-help industry - you simply become BPD narcissistic person who is stuck in his own convictions and is unable to break from the dogma you believe in - since reality is too painful to observe.
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(11.12.2023)
YT "Struggling With Social Anxiety? Tap Along for 60 Seconds...
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This makes me even more anxious.
Now I need to develop OCD routine to fight with toxic people who provoke social anxiety in others.
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YT "Your brain WILL make excuses. Set a hard date and time to challenge social anxiety #socialanxiety
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When we enter into civil war with our brain - it will create even more anxiety.
We cannot logic our way out of trauma. Trauma is stuck, lodged inside our body. It is somatic.
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YT "Conquer Social Anxiety with Imagination #publicspeaking #communication
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Sounds a lot like creating delusional disorder where we make up our own "reality" and where we reject true reality. This cannot end up good.
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YT "What is EFT Tapping?
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What happen when we are not good enough at some task that we rarely have opportunity to improve and then get punished for mistakes?
What happens when other people are really intrusive and aggressive - and it is NOT our imagination?
What or whom we tap then?
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YT "How To Get Rid Of Social Anxiety
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Talking to someone is not social anxiety. That is shyness.
Social anxiety stems from toxic ambient and toxic people, ambient of punishment and put downs.
Then having struggle to talk to someone is natural reaction to abnormal monsters around us.
Talking to evil people will not make us confident - since they will put us down and nitpick our mistakes and errors as if we started WW3.
Giving compliments to others is Fawning and people pleasing. Really bad choice to someone with social anxiety who is already using this defense mechanism to survive. Psychopaths and sociopaths will simply take advantage of our kindness and compliments.
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" I’m super social now just cause it’s not weird after you put yourself in environments were you constantly have to do it"
Social anxiety is not self anxiety.
Anxiety in social anxiety stems from the social factor. Society causing the anxiety.
Rude people.
Toxic people.
Manipulative people.
Controlling people.
Narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths in power dynamics who have authority over us.
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"Tool to combat them"
“What you resist persists”
It was the renowned Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung (1875–1961), who taught us that whatever you resist persists. What he meant by that is the more you resist anything in life, the more you bring it to you.
(thesecret)
"Symptoms"
Addressing symptoms is not fixing a problem.
YT tyrone6820
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YT "Coming Out Of The (Social Anxiety) Freeze Response
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Sit with reactivity - is problem when we are reacting to toxic people and toxic ambient.
If we sit with our feelings in Chernobyl - we will be in toxic radiation and doomed. Simply siting and noticing - will be our doom in toxic ambient.
Instead of passive approach - I would go into direction of listening our reactions and understanding what is the message here.
If we live with borderline person who poops in our bed and is attacking and assaulting us physically and threatens to sue us in court to present us as rapist - it is really bad idea to be passive about it and observe our reactions. There is real abuse in our home and we need to do something about it - divorce is great solution. Not sitting. Not blaming ourselves. Not numbing ourselves. Not destroying our emotions.
I would allow this sitting passive approach - in temporary situations where we cannot move, where we are not allowed to speak up, where we will be punished for standing up for ourselves - trapped situations where we depend on toxic person for some advice, information, money or some resources which only they have.
While our long term goal ought to be to move away from toxic people and toxic ambient when we have finances and security to do so.
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YT "Coming Out Of The (Social Anxiety) Freeze Response
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I like this - this is IFS Model. To be curious instead of judging our panic emotions stemming from ACoA in the past and toxic people in the present time.
Mental health is defined as being able to be regulated when under stress and doing contribution to community.
With social anxiety freeze - obviously - we cannot contribute to society nor we are regulated.
I see social anxiety as reaction to toxic society, toxic people and it is result of exposure to abuse while growing up - where we rejected our Self, we have no self worth, we have no basis in our home that would ground us when in contact with toxic people.
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YT "Social Anxiety Quick Fixes
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Social anxiety is not about being nervous by talking to some person. That is only 0,0005% of social anxiety.
Being nervous with talking to people is shyness. Not social anxiety.
Think of social anxiety as spectrum. On the far end of social anxiety - is shyness and fear of talking to people for the first time. On another spectrum of social anxiety is avoidance and panic among other people - where talking is impossible due to panic. Most people are somewhere on the middle of this spectrum - where certain people's behavior is triggering and cause anxiety and panic symptoms.
With social anxiety we remember rejection because social anxiety is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, Quiet BPD and Complex Trauma. This means - with social anxiety our brain is stuck in a loop about rude people.
With social anxiety we will remember someone being rude, someone criticizing us, someone being angry - this part will replay in our mind, like PTSD in war veterans who cannot stop the horrors of war replaying in their heads, too. Unlike war PTSD, the Complex PTSD is different since - the cause of this trauma is not one single horror event - but exposure to relentless criticism in developing years - also called ACE and ACoA.
"Other people think only about themselves"
Yes, normal people are not obsessed with other people nor think of them since they have their life and they are normal.
On the other hand, toxic people are very much focused on their target of abuse - they nitpick other people's errors to put them down, to control them and to manipulate them. This is also called Coercive Control.
Narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths use coercive control to abuse other people - and they are extremely cruel and sadist to other people - and they replay errors and flaws verbally - to abuse their target.
This is the reason why socially anxious need to learn about narcissistic abuse - which is the cause of social anxiety in the first place.
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Nope. Not knowing the answer because you did not study - is not social anxiety.
That is being plain lazy.
Social anxiety would be if the teacher is abuser and bully and put us down and their anger cause us to block all data - and we can't remember the answer due to amygdala hijacking and stress - caused by narcissistic abuse.
That is social anxiety.
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One year as I watch your social anxiety videos - and I see that you carry so much self blame, as all of us with social anxiety.
You are convinced, as all of us, that you are faulty human being for being panicked and disgusted by other people's behavior - as if it is our responsibility that other people are angry and unfair and unjust, predatory and abusive.
This stems from our core belief - that we are faulty at our core, that we are abnormal and that we must reject ourselves in order to fit in into society.
You never speak in your videos about the future, about constructs, about plans -
that is because our Self is destroyed due to abuse. Then we are simply passive and we react in life. We never make initiative. We put ourselves down and we never risk, we never experiment, we never say something controversial for the fear of being attacked by others.
That is why IFS Model works for social anxiety - it encompass this Self GPS guidance, that we come back to our senses, that we return to our True Self, our Adult Self inside us. This is what you lack in your videos.
You cover up great topic about regulation and being present and grounded - which is all excellent.
But as Timothy Leary said - we are all dressed up with nowhere to go.
I would encourage you to explore this Self guidance, true Self, which is Humanistic Psychology.
CBT does not have that. CBT is based only on lobotomy and self blame - that we always automatically shut up and assume that we are always wrong - even though it is clear that we are in toxic ambient and surrounded by toxic people. CBT makes us codependent, passive and living in reaction all the time - never taking risks and never seeking our destiny, our purpose in life and the reason why we are on this toxic planet filled with abusers and broken people who abuse others.
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YT "Impractical (yet hilarious) way to overcome social anxiety #socialanxiety #funny
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Hehe, funny.
Some of what he says is right - and actually narcissists - who also have social anxiety - mask their anxiety by blaming other people, nitpicking other people's mistakes and flaws.
We on the other hand do this to ourselves. We take blame, we are obsessed by our flaws and imperfections.
And then when we do CBT exposure - this will happen: we will attract like magnet toxic narcissistic people who blame others - and we will voluntarily join into their mind games of abuse by being codependent.
This is proof that social anxiety is trauma.
Social anxiety started as exposure to narcissistic abuse: ACoA and ACE.
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YT "How I Defeated Social Anxiety
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Social anxiety is not about fear of talking to people. That is shyness.
We care about what other people think about us due to trauma - it is called Self-referential Thinking.
When we stop and block this thinking - we become narcissistic. When we are unable to have empathy or notion about other people - we become mentally ill: narcissist, psychopath and sociopaths. That is personality disorder - when we are unable to contribute to society. Narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths are parasites - since they do not contribute to this planet - they munch on like common parasite.
If we want to have friendships, romantic contact, family, connection with our neighborhood - we need to care what other people think.
With social anxiety this is problem due to unresolved trauma - and many people have no idea that their social anxiety is trauma.
Trauma needs to be healed. To suppress emotions, to push them down, to play pretend it does not exist, if we mask it - these will all lead to mental illness.
Talking to random people is 0,00005 % of social anxiety.
This fear of talking to people stem from abuse (ACoA and ACE). Trauma. It is trauma. It is not fear, and it is not something we remove with logic or altering our appearance or becoming emotionless. These all lead to personality disorder. Personality disorder is when we have rigid mindset as reaction to trauma - when we never heal trauma but we react to it, and try to cement it - like Chernobyl. Radiation is still there - but it is under the concrete - toxic poison is still there.
Faking ourselves is narcissism. Narcissism is having fake mask. Then what happens is that we try to keep good image in order to impress other people and gain their admiration - which will never happen in real life - since all people are different - nobody likes the same things - so it is fruitless to chase other people's admiration by creating fake image to impress other people.
Why would it be so hard to accept ourselves as we are? With our perks and quirks and hang-ups?
Social anxiety is not weakness. IT is trauma. It is psychological issue - where we are stuck in our trauma. This is not our choice. This is not something that we can mask and make functional or pretend that toxic people do not exist. We cannot resolve trauma with willpower. It will not work. Nobody got rid of their depression by smiling and pretending to smile.
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" to learn emotional control "
Socially anxious people already do that. That is called Quiet BPD.
Quiet BPD is when a person is abused and in toxic ambient but keeps quiet and not let anyone know how distressing people are, all in the name of being in control.
Over-control is as much as damaging and under-control.
"This replay of rude people in their head is not rational"
Yes.
That is why it is called Trauma.
" Getting to realize that most if not all people they are replaying in their head opinions doesn't matter"
It does matter if the toxic person is our boss and if we live in poor country where finding another job is not available - and then we must endure mobbing and abuse at toxic job in order to avoid being homeless.
"You should stay calm and do research or learn about tigers"
That is what socially anxious already do - and it does not help. Tiger is still tiger.
"this channel is going to be about in the future is teaching about manipulation and ways to defend yourself from it"
Hehe, ok.
However, there are high paying experts who are studying narcissistic disorder, psychopaths and sociopaths - and they cannot find answer how to handle them.
"Simply by being aware and analyzing your surroundings and the people in them makes it much harder for a negative manipulator to try to affect you"
Nope.
You end up with social anxiety instead.
Social anxiety is direct awareness and analyzing of surroundings of manipulators. That is social anxiety itself.
"demonstrations of how manipulators work and strategies they use"
Unfortunately all those methods - in real life - do not work to make us feel safe.
Because abuse is not our choice.
Abuse is not something that we can control.
And changing ourselves to fit into abuse is not healthy at all.
Social anxiety is complex.
Mostly because anxiety stem from the social factor.
Other people - their secrets, their delusions, their agenda. This is totally outside of our control.
When another person is unable to live in reality and confabulates their fantasy world - you really cannot do nothing about it.
You cannot talk with this person - since they base their facts on fiction.
You cannot solve problems with such people - since they are devoted to their greed and fantasy.
And you cannot communicate with such people since they are pathological liars - due to amount of fantasy that they build up - and mask it as being confident.
Problem is that society due to Dunning Krueger Effect and Halo Effect - perceives liars and cruel people as competent and strong - and such people often end up in managerial seats or any kind of authority - so they rule over us. Pathocracy.
Then we do not have much option.
Whatever we do in life to respond to them - we are under their control due to unfavorable power dynamics.
And if we do nothing and ignore it - we end up being taken advantage by toxic people.
That is why social anxiety is complex. Problem is really not in inside us at all. Our reactions (being either calm or panicked) are not problem here.
-
(12.12.2023)
" You must channel it in a way you choose"
When we nitpick our emotions - it is like trying to control the chaos.
I learned this the hard way - by wasting 20 years of my life on CBT approach to channel emotions.
Because of this:
"Constant: correction, redirection, criticism, rejection = Poor self-image."
"Imposition of order in Chaotic system = Escalation of disorder"
" I know that is why the solutions i gave were about emotions "
The solution is not to push or control emotions at all.
The solution is to listen to them.
"your boss's opinion of yourself as a person doesn't really matter"
It does matter if I get fired - and I can't find another job.
Then it matters a lot.
"You must either try to find another job"
Obviously you never been at the Balkans.
People must pay to get the job - due to corruption. And the job - does not cover up the rent nor food - nor any additional needs.
"to spot the signs of these people to avoid them. "
What happens when we can't avoid toxic people?
" If not then you have to deal with it whether by standing up for yourself"
This does not work with sociopaths and psychopaths. Femicide statistics show what happens when women stand up to abusers in family.
" a feedback loop of only negative thoughts"
They are not negative - they are reality.
"that is your opinion about it. It can help others"
Okay.
Do you have some statistics that show that your magical cure actually helped anyone?
One person?
"You can control how you respond to it."
No you can't - because abusers are pathological liar and they entrain their victims - and abusers are in power position of some authority.
You really can't control being bullied or stalked or attacked.
"it can be used a way to improve a part of yourself"
This is the problem with CBT, Jordan Peterson, Self help industry, internet stoicism - this false belief that we must improve ourselves.
We already do improve ourselves.
When you make a statement that we must improve ourselves - you are placing toxic shame onto oneself - as if we are dumb as we are, we are abnormal as we are - and that we must create fake mask of superiority in order to be improved. That is narcissism. This is mental illness. Creating fake personality of being grandiose so that we improve.
Improve to what? What is the base line for which you measure your improvement?
Other people?
Their comments?
That is pure narcissism - to be depended on other people's approval and admiration.
This is not functional - since other people then can easily control you and you end up depending on other people's approval and admiration.
"a brain tumor develop. This is out of your control but there are ways to lower the chances of those things happening"
Yes,
and as I stated before - when we lower our chances - we develop social anxiety.
Social anxiety is the direct attempt to lower chances of something bad happening. And being preoccupied with bad potential things in life.
" I would rather think to myself that there is something I can try to do than to give up all power I have over my own life due to fear."
This is social anxiety definition.
Neuroticism.
There is nothing wrong with neuroticism. Neuroticism is Big 5 personality trait - however the intensity of worry and attempts to live care-free life paradoxically leads to poor quality of life filled with anxiety.
" that is why we have medications and psychiatric hospitals "
Pharma mafia is making money on trauma by hiding the Complex Trauma from the DSM,
while psychiatric hospitals are used to quiet down the whistle-blowers like Martha Mitchel.
The Martha Mitchell effect occurs when a medical professional labels a patient's accurate perception of real events as delusional, resulting in misdiagnosis.
(wiki)
"I wouldn't want to devote years of my life to make one negative manipulator into a good citizen."
The reason why they are manipulators is because they don't have word "manipulator" written on their forehead.
Instead they appear as great person to you whom you trust - because they are manipulators.
"Control what you can and make peace with what you can't control"
As life goes on - you will learn it the hard way - that making peace with something we can't control is not easy task.
"as long as there are sick people in the society, you must adapt to them"
Again,
sick people do not have sick on their forehead. They appear as someone you can trust and build business or any kind of project with - until it is too late.
"You can choose you response though"
In real life - we are not build to handle toxic people - so our choice of our response will be detrimental.
"Yes those strategies were learned and can be unlearned"
Again- the same mistake.
You believe that labels and discoveries that manipulators or pathological liars or wrong strategies - that all of these come with label on them.
Nope.
They come as something else.
And you end up wasting time and money and focus on recognizing what you are dealing with in the first place.
-
Think of social anxiety analogy - being stuck at toxic job with bullying and mobbing from the boss, colleagues and customers 24/7 and you can't quit this toxic job due to finances.
That is social anxiety.
You simply have no time to ponder the magnificent Universe and Hare Krishna rebirth or first world problems such as being entitled in nice expensive hospital in the West.
The primary focus inside social anxiety is abuse from toxic people.
After all - it is called social+anxiety.
Society being the element that caused anxiety.
It is not called self anxiety.
it is not called death anxiety.
It is not called meaning of life anxiety, existential anxiety.
Why is this so hard to understand?
-
YT "How to Control Panic Attacks"
This video message implies that Panic is imaginary and that toxic people do not exist.
There are really evil people who attack and hurt their targets. If we do nothing about it - they end up pooping in our bed, forming false court hearing to defame us to be rapist and they try to destroy our career through this same defamation - and all because narcissists are delusional and base their actions on fantasy and grudge based on fantasy. For you - such people do not exist and we always must be passive, people pleasers and codependent and your message here is that we must stay stuck in toxic ambient and with toxic people.
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YT "Strategies To Help With Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD)
"
"We have to learn not to trust our minds, our minds are not always helpful"
I tried this CBT approach for 20 years and I was left with:
1) severe people pleasing and fawning - since I distrust my instinct and natural reaction to toxic people who are covert and appear as friends or sane
2) severe toxic shame - since I believed that my brain is abnormal for having social anxiety and that other people are therefore superior and gods whom I must follow and obey and never question them - but always question my brain.
"Our mind loves attention, sometimes it will spew the most alarming negative"
That is trauma.
That is not personality.
You fuse trauma with persona.
This is very dangerous.
You believe that your emotions are your brain and persona and personality.
You believe that negative alarming things in our brain is the brain itself - and not trauma lodged in our body. This belief can result as destruction of self worth. And more of RSD.
This is how Quiet BPD is born - when traumatized abused targets of coercive control and manipulation are told that their natural reaction to abnormal people is imagination that can be cured with willpower since our brain is abnormal - not the narcissists who abused us.
We live in abuser-centered toxic society this is so sad.
-
You believe that all people are like you: honest and authentic. They are not. Some people lie. Some people have hidden agenda,
You believe that cognitive appraisal can prevent bad emotions and bad negative thinking. It can't. Listing symptoms does not help to solve problems.
You believe that negative bad emotions are the product of defective brain that must be controlled and managed. It can't. Sometimes circumstances are outside of our awareness and our understanding - like poverty or mentally ill criminally insane people who abuse others just for fun.
Because you believe everyone what they say (without being aware that they are liars) your CBT logic will make you as an easy target to exploit.
Your belief that emotions are bad and negative thinking is bad - leads to delusions. Plus you will create ambient where toxic people like psychopaths can easily come into power - since all the time you will pathologize your own reactions to toxic people.
Your super-logical, emotion-free CBT approach is nothing but Denial, Suppression and Dissociation - all of which are dysfunctional coping mechanisms that lead to life of failure and bad decisions.
This CBT will create personality disorder in you - inability to listen and understand other people or parts inside you.
When you are in toxic ambient and among car salesmen mentality predators - you will pathologize your own reactions to toxic people.
Also - you will pathologize people around you - who react to toxic people. You will blame them for being weak and not disciplined enough.
This Jordan Peterson mentality leads to Nazism and fascism - where you are ableist - you believe only healthy people are normal - while everyone else deserves to be stigmatized and put into prison, isolated and cured.
This neo-nazi ideology leads to Milgram Experiment - where you will continue to shock other people just because your books tells you that this is good thing to do. You will totally ignore the screaming and pleading of other people who tell you that your approach is harming them.
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(13.12.2023)
YT "Letting go of what they did
"
True, when we let go of grudge - we will free our inner resources which we would otherwise waste on rumination.
However
with trauma it is complex. Due to operant conditioning - such as exposure to ACoA and ACE: which means constant criticism and blame while growing up - people will develop certain rigid beliefs such as pleasing the angry and aggressive people - not through grudge but as a way to circumnavigate their anger. And what happens is that many people have no idea that their worry, grudge and rumination is actually a hypnosis, a programming, a complex trauma - that compels them to think how to please the abusers and toxic people in order to avoid punishment, reinforcement.
With this operant conditioning (very similar to Pavlovian dogs who salivate when they hear the bells) - the extinguishing of grudge needs to go in different direction.
And the direction is: to allow other people to have wrong impression about us. Allowing other people to have wrong conclusions about us. Allowing other people being angry at us or anyone else - without us fixing their emotions and soothing them or obeying them and their hysteria commands. It is about being okay with other people being evil and in the same time not feeling responsible for their evil.
With abuse such as relentless criticism/verbal and emotional abuse - we will believe we are responsible for someone being evil and we will be programmed to worry and blame ourselves and carry Sisyphus' stone around.
Letting go of what they did is a deep realization that it was not our fault for their anger and discipline and inability to regulate themselves.
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You mix up shame and guilt.
This is common mistake and cause of mental health issues.
Shame is when our mistake becomes our personality. That is extremely dangerous - because many people will over-compensate their shame by becoming evil and without empathy. The best example is cruel prison system in 19th century Russia or Turkey or third world today.
What happens is that supposed shaming institution such as prison - actually produces more of criminally insane - since they now integrate the identity of being criminal and scum. It is like river of no return or being stigmatized for life. There is no healing or change for better - instead it is loop to hell.
Shame based people never can say sorry or make repairs - due to identity of being shamed person. It is like serial killer who starts murder spree and is unable to stop anymore - since it begun and it cannot be corrected anymore. That is what shame is doing. It is dysfunctional and creates evil in this world.
On the other hand,
guilt culture -
is when we realize we made mistake and error - and all humans are imperfect and errors are the only way to grow and improve and learn about anything in life-
but in the same time our errors do not become our identity. It is separated from our core Self. Then when we do our time, we will move on and become better person.
With shame we never have this chance to align with our true Self.
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YT "7 Signs 'Fawning' Is Ruining Your Life (Trauma)
"
Trauma response is not wrong. It is maladaptive - but this does not mean that other responses are "better" ones.
With other responses we will simply become criminally insane like impulsive borderliners who are stuck in personality disorder.
Fawning is preventing this disorder to take root : that we become abuser.
Without fawning we would become narcissistic abuser.
So idea that we shame fawning and replace it with being rude to others - the trauma will still be there, trauma will not be healed. Trauma will compel us to upset others and enjoy in their suffering.
With trauma - we will have triggers - rude people - and it is not problem how we react to toxic people (trauma responses). The true problem are toxic people. They are the only and one problem in the world - since evil people listen to videos like this one, which tells them that fawning is sissy and feminine and not manly and that you will not succeed in life unless you are egocentric and abusive.
When we realize that our fawning is NOT problem, and that true problem are monsters with personality disorders -
we can start to work on our trauma triggers - so that rude people do not trigger our toxic shame and deep programmed ingrained belief that we are unworthy - which is the cause of trauma and triggers.
When we accept our core Self - we will naturally repel toxic people and cut contact with them and have more better and healthier responses to handle rude people - where we won't automatically believe we are inept and worthless for being abused and in contact with rude triggering people. We won't personalize it anymore.
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Predatory personalities will scapegoat and bully us. That is true,
however - we cannot do anything about it. We cannot arrest them. We cannot fix them - since criminally insane people have personality disorder and their recovery is next to impossible due to it.
The central problem with abuse is that we learn to destroy our core Self. We are programmed to believe our core Self is inept and worthless - and that is the true problem here. Not toxic people.
When we have toxic shame inside us - toxic people will hurt us more deeply and their damage will be more far reaching.
The cure is to love and accept ourselves as we are and that we stop believing that toxic people are our responsibility whom we must fix.
So idea in this video - that we attack and blame ourselves for having coping mechanisms with abnormal people - is toxic shame. We really should not attack our tools which we have -
if we have better tools like plenty of money - we would make better and healthier and safer decisions than fawning.
Being poor is not choice and we really should not blame ourselves for not having correct tools to deal with criminally insane people who cause us to fawn in order to survive their abuse.
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Not reacting will not work when they blame us for mistakes and errors which are natural and daily. Then we cannot defend ourselves - since manipulators make hysteria and drama out of nothing and they do not hear our defenses or truth or reality.
Please learn more about narcissistic abuse - you miss crucial information that they are criminally insane and pathological liar - this information is really hard to grasp for people like us who are kind and nice and sane and healthy, those of use who are not evil - we cannot understand that there are sadists out there who are evil just for fun of it to torture someone and put them down.
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"Not sure if I'm confusing being overly polite with fawning"
The crucial difference is in toxic shame and our core Self.
With fawning, due to trauma - our core deep down Self personality persona - will be plagued with toxic shame - which means unconscious self hatred and self rejection which is automatic.
This means - we deep down believe we are unworthy and abnormal and that we are second class citizens who are not on the same level as other people who appear regulated and happy and strong and confident. That is the difference.
Altruistic person will feel good about themselves and their reason for being altruistic will not be governed by shame and guilt and self blame and self loathing nor self flagellation, stigma and self despising.
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Yep. A lot of information about psychology is kept away from us - since we are much more useful as slaves and robot on automatic mode, background player NFC that is not threat to toxic people who exploit and control others and people like us.
This video is misleading - since it tells us that we start to abuse and harass others and that we isolate ourselves - which leads to new trauma.
This video does not mention Negative Politeness at all. This is when we try not to upset other people for being afraid of their anger.
All of these stem from AcoA and ACE - and we need to learn about it,
because without correct information we allow our unconsciousness to run our life - we are like motorless boat in the ocean - that depends on waves to be pushed around.
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Perhaps that is true in the West. In third world countries and poor countries - you are punished severely if you don't know something for the first time, you are ashamed for having errors and mistakes and that you do not perform perfectly. You are expected to be cruel and aggressive and super competent about any task - or otherwise one will experience shaming and stigma and even physical violence and always vernal abuse for having smallest flaws.
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This video is misleading. Please do not believe anything you see or hear on internet.
This video is shaming and setting you up to hate yourself and to feel shame for being abused and being trapped in unfavorable power dynamics which are totally outside of our control - which we can handle only through fawning.
That is what this video is not saying at all.
Then - this video and similar videos like this one - will instruct us to become hysterical Karen, abuser and neurotic, impulsive borderliner who explodes and is unable to hear or listen to others and without ability to learn what is going on -
and this inability to interact with society will end up as personality disorder and us as narcissistic abuser who is preoccupied with not being abused. WE will see any human interaction as abuse - and we will no longer to tolerate daily misunderstandings and errors and mistakes and flaws . and we will over react with screaming and abusing others.
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Fawning is not choice.
Fawning is reaction to abuse, bullying and mobbing and unfavorable power dynamics.
Like being trapped in toxic job filled with abuse - and we cannot quit it due to finances and loss of shelter and security.
Think of abused women who will become part of Femicide when they stop fawning to criminally insane monsters.
That is fawning - it is trauma reaction to bigger trauma - abuse - coercive control, manipulation and pathological liars who live in fantasy - and we depend on them due to finances and shelter and safety and information that we need to have like papers pf ownership, grants or visa.
Why is this so hard to understand?
Why we live on abuser-centered planet where abused people are automatically perceived as passive victims who choose to be abused? While in the same time abusers are forgiven and not examined or stigmatized or deservingly attacked at all for being controlling mentally ill predators!!
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"I feel when I go to fawn mode and I feel it and let it go. It's hard but healthy coping skills through therapy truly helps.
"
Tell me what heathy skills are for being trapped in toxic job without being able to quit it due to finances.
What would be healthy thing to do when being abused and not being able to escape the abuse?
This is why CBT must be banned - instead of putting narcissistic and criminally insane in mental institutions - it stigmatizes the abused victims as abnormal and sick.
That is how Putin and Trump and North Korea end up in power - due to abuser-centered world
where nice quiet and friendly people are suppose to fawn to abnormal sick criminally insane monsters.
Any reaction to abuse is healthy. This CBT pathologizing of normal reactions to abnormal people is abnormal. Weaponized psyhiatry.
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"When you find out your Personality is actually a Trauma Response 😅
"
This is why CBT is dangerous and detrimental.
We become to believe our trauma is our persona. It is not. Trauma is reaction, a reflex. We are not our emotions.
If you believe that your trauma response is your personality - this will become personality disorder due to this false belief.
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"Forced Fawning.
Being trapped and cornered by those made to feel guilty and the only path is to fawn.
Break free from these toxic people"
Forced fawning has a name actually and it is called Coercive Control.
In some states, coercive control is crime and persecuted in court judicial system.
It is similar to Forced confession.
Now here are two crucial questions:
1) why this video never mentions the term forced fawning? Why videos like this never explain it?
Instead we are instructed to believe that fawning is a choice - and that we can "cure" it by becoming Karen and abusive impulsive borderline.
2) What happens when we cannot break free from toxic people?
When we actually live in shame based country that is toxic - and all people are toxic and abusive?
What then?
Should we become abuser ourselves, as this video is suggesting?
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Fawning is not symptom. It is trauma response. It is not sickness. It is not abnormality. It is not our fault when we are forced to fawn (aka Coercive control and manipulation).
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"a friend said I always came off as fake. Since I hid my real self and feelings it was hard for anyone to develop a true connection"
You are correct.
Your friend "advice" is actually a personality disorder - it is mental illness that is very hard to cure.
When we decide to build fake Self - we will create narcissistic personality disorder and being impulsive borderline - because any sign of our mask cracking and being exposed will be extremely painful. Also called Self Referential Thinking - we will depend on other people to worship our fake mask - and when they don't we will be angry and abusive to them.
Our self worth will depend on other people and their admiral and appraisal which will compel us to over-compensate this deep core toxic shame inside us - by creating grandiose Self. This is mental illness.
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A lot of people live in Denial and suppress their trauma without being aware that they were abused in the first place.
Fawning is not something we catch in the street by walking randomly around. It is by-product of exposure to constant criticism and blaming and discipline that appears normal to us - like fish being in water not noticing that water is a thing.
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Our trauma is not our personality.
When we believe that trauma is personality, we will develop personality disorder and become borderline.
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Nope, fawning is reflex to abuse.
When we start to believe our trauma is our persona - it will become self fulfilling prophecy that leads to personality disorder and development of BPD which is not easy to cure.
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Fawning is survival mechanism.
It is not sickness to cure.
The sickness are criminally insane monsters who videos like this one or therapist never stigmatize at all and leave them alone.
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"How to stop doing this!!
"
There is nothing to stop.
The problem is in abusive toxic people who exploit and control others and hence force them to fawn.
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@TheMoNkeyLoL69 It is hurting us only because deep down we have toxic shame.
Deep down we reject ourselves and we are not aware of this at all.
Deep down we believe we are inept and worthless - and this is totally outside of our logic and logical awareness.
Then this toxic shame, that is buried and cocooned inside us - will actually make us believe in certain explanations and beliefs - which are not true at all.
Plus, when other people are rude and when they are angry - it will hurt us a lot.
And we will respond in fawning.
Now the crucial thing to notice here that fawning is reflex.
The true pain that we feel and experience - is stemming from trauma, from toxic shame buried deep deep inside us.
So it is wrong to stigmatize our fawning.
We really need to work on our toxic shame and IFS Model helps with this: so that we learn to really trust and believe in our core Self.
When we pathologize our fawning - it is the same analogy of thinking that our blood is wrong when we cut ourselves.
And never actually investigate why the cut occur in the first place.
Why we got cut?
Instead we fixate and focus on blood.
That is when we make hysteria about fawning - the same thing.
We are focusing on the symptom, not on the true cause.
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Fawning is when we feel obliged to fix other people's problem - or we will be punished in some way if we do not help them.
Do you have this fear of punishment?
I suggest that our toxic shame is causing our mental heath issues
And that toxic shame will keep us stuck in believing wrong people and wrong videos - since they reflect the wrong thinking that toxic shame is causing us to believe in.
Then we will stay stuck with abusive people and victims who like living in victim mode never actually healing or moving on with their lives.
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This "deep revengeful feeling" is complex trauma.
It appears as OCD on the surface and it appears as if we don't have trauma.
We only have abuse triggers stuck on loop in our head that we demand justice for.
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(14.12.2023)
" it's not just OCD?"
I will put it in this way:
did the diagnosis of OCD actually help you at all?
Did it vanish?
How do you feel about it?
Are you feeling better or worse or neutral?
Did any information about OCD made your life better and easier and more functional - or has it made it even more anxious and trapped you into symptomizing your emotions and thoughts?
Diagnosis helps when it actually puts our life on correct path.
If we end up criminalizing our mind and policing our thoughts and actions - then diagnosis is making more harm than good.
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" try another insult bud"
It is not insult. It is being honest.
There is a huge difference, and when we have anxiety issues - we tend to symptomize and weaponize and label anything that moves.
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There are a lot of fake and wrong information out there. CBT being the most detrimental of them all.
In general, whenever some person has certain issues - such person will always being kicked and additionally assaulted due to lack of immunity - we are perfect target for parasites and predators - since we are confused and we are not inside our body due to trauma.
Unfortunately some organism feed on trauma and exploit our condition for their own benefit.
We really need to be extra careful about other people and information out there, whenever we have certain issues at all.
There will always be criminally insane people who can't help themselves but to take advantage of helpless and hapless people.
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"aren't being displayed on YouTube for an unknown reason."
It is due to author of this channel. They turned on filter on comments.
This filter deleted many of my comments on this same video.
That is what I am talking about in my other comments here.
We become too much closed and we close ourselves from receiving information - because we are convinced that data can hurt us.
But in the same time without necessary data - our mind fills in the missing gaps and we end up with OCD, worry, rumination.
--
" Can you explain why it happened?"
What you describe in your comment sounds a lot like Quiet BPD.
I struggle with it too.
It basically stems from AcoA and ACE-
in childhood we had safety and nurture, food and clothes - but emotionally we were exposed to criticism and discipline and blame all the time.
Now as adults we will be in hypervigilant state - always being concerned about arrogant people - since we will be programmed to be scared of them, to feel panic when in the presence of bullies and to feel that we are to blame for them being angry and that we must fix their emotions and problems, that we are responsible for them.
This goes totally outside of our awareness - we are hypnotized into being preoccupied with bullies - we don't see nothing else in life.
So we will develop self referential thinking - where we will confirm our fears and panic - and this is called over-generalization.
Because our mind will filter out reality and show us only the danger.
This is complex Trauma.
We are stuck in a loop of dangerous people - as we were in childhood.
like with common PTSD that warriors have with fixation on war - we also with complex PTSD will have fixation on danger and dangerous people.
And hence we will soothe ourselves by watching horror movies - since they represent reality that appears as reality to us.
Some people will not like this obsessions - and if someone reject us due to watching horrors - due to our self-referential thinking - we will believe all people reject us. Which is not true. IT is only our traumatized mind due to self-referential thinking that is filtering reality and over-generalizes reality.
So OCD is not surprising symptom of trauma.
OCD is an attempt to control potential violent situations and violence and dangerous people.
We need to heal our trauma.
IFS Model helps with this.
IFS Model tells us that in childhood we have burdened parts of our child self to handle the adult world - and now we are stuck in belief that we are still children who have no powers as adults.
-
Penrose mentioned Maxwell Maltz's book Cyberthronics.
The book itself is available on you tube for free as audio book.
In this book - the basic premise is about people who went to endless plastic surgeries to "fix" their face.
What Mawell discovered was that these people actually had deep seated toxic shame inside them, which compelled them to be obsessive about their looks and about fixing and improving themselves.
It was not the natural urge to care for oneself.
This urge was a compulsion and it stemmed from trauma and toxic shame, deep seated belief that they were incompetent, worthless, abnormal and that they must fix this basic core flaw with becoming obsessed with endless improvement.
Which in the end ended as catastrophe with plastic surgery.
This is what I am trying to explain to Penrose for 2 months now but he cannot grasp it.
This is very complex thing to understand - because we are all naturally egocentric and we see and perceive the world through our basic beliefs - which are most often wrong, twisted due to wrong explanations by society and family where we grew up in, toxic ambient.
HE also hates himself - and he is convinced that he can become better person by improving himself. Which is narcissism. Building fake persona of superiority.
That is why narcissism is hard to cure - due to this deep seated personality disorder.
Strong solid beliefs which are totally wrong and warped.
We need to examine our beliefs and be vulnerable - which Penrose dismiss since he believes that being vulnerable is being sissy and feminine. That is toxic shame.
Toxic shame is belief that certain characteristics make us abnormal sick and that people will reject us if we show ourselves as less than super and grand and in his case macho.
In any case,
there is nothing bad with self improvement or taking care of our body.
However - we need to check our reality and common sense.
What is ideal?
What is perfection?
Is it realistic?
Should we torture ourselves to achieve some grand goal which is not attainable?
Can we accept ourselves as we are and turn our focus and improvement in totally another area than our face?
-
YT "DEFINITION OF A "GOOD MAN" DISTORTIONS IN CODEPENDENCY
"
I like this! This is something I am pondering now.
That our explanations are based on deception and trauma. Toxic people use love bombing to sway us, they play act to be victim - and then we feel sorry for them and we are gaslighted into a lie and their deception. Then we end up normalizing toxic people and their acts. Because of deception.
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(16.12.2023)
I see it like this:
social anxiety is complex trauma.
It is after-effect of being exposed to abuse.
Both in childhood (called ACoA and ACE) and in present time (called narcissistic abuse).
Now, due to operant conditioning (exposure to verbal abuse while growing up) - we are unable to process anger of other people and our own anger. And due to the same exposure to the same abuse - we have toxic shame (internalized belief we are unworthy - that is outside of our conscious awareness).
Trauma needs healing,
toxic shame needs our own respect.
Any other explanation is dysfunctional and non-productive and adds up to both trauma and toxic shame,
IFS Model helps with this.
Social anxiety is no a flu. We did not catch it by walking randomly in the street. We did not wake up one day and decided to farm neurosis just out of sheer boredom.
There was shock, trauma, unjust, injustice, pain and abuse - and this needs to be healed and processed.
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(17.12.2023)
" The 'cure' then is CBT and reframing your mind or your perception of the kind of person you are."
There is nothing to cure.
Trauma is not abnormality - it is normal reaction to abnormal people and abnormal events.
CBT leads to stigma and self blame.
With CBT we think we are abnormal and sick for being abused.
CBT ought to be banned.
When we are traumatized with ACoA and ACE - which are the motor of social anxiety - we will develop toxic shame.
Then with internalized toxic shame - any explanation that we cannot rely on our brain nor our explanations will only add new layers of toxic shame.
It is like throwing fuel into the fire for the hope all liquids extinguish fire - but it will only lead to more and more out of control fire.
-
" RSD is more specific to the emotional response to perceived rejection, while social anxiety encompasses a broader range of anxieties related to social situations, including fear of negative evaluation, embarrassment, or judgment. "
This statement is incorrect.
RSD encompass the broader range of anxieties, too.
Dr Dodson who invented RSD said that the only difference between RSD and social anxiety is , that according to him - socially anxious do not worry after the event.
So he is incorrect too. And his description of RSD is that it encompass broader ranger of anxieties than social anxiety, according to him.
He is mixing up shyness with social anxiety.
Just as you, you mix up RSD with a mere shyness.
RSD is highly emotional reaction to criticism - and that is social anxiety.
RSD is the same as social anxiety.
-
It is common myth to confuse empathy with ACoA survivors of ACE.
The difference is:
- empath will not feel the urge to fix angry people,
- empaths will not feel responsible for someone being angry
- empaths will not feel toxic shame when someone is angry.
- survivors of coercive control (ACE) will feel abnormal for being in contact with someone angry and they will have operant conditioning from abuse to serve and please the abusers - which appears as empathy on the outside.
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(18.12.2023)
" Deferent emotions have different tendencies, anger could cause you to work harder"
You are correct.
However with social anxiety we don't know what emotions we have.
We have no awareness of anger - anger is suppressed down and it shows up as panic.
Then explanations of other people make it into mess - since other people will instruct us to label wrongly our emotions.
Social anxiety is trauma - which means our emotions were ashamed and mocked and punished in childhood (ACE, ACoA) - so we don't know our emotions in the first place.
" but pointing them towards useful functions"
That sounds great - but in real life we really don't have neither time nor focus to do that.
" your boss doesn't truly know how you are"
I am talking here about bosses with personality disorders such as narcissistic one.
This means, such people don't care about others at all - since they are invested living in a fantasy world.
-
" Lets just go with your line of thinking, how does it help you"
It is not thinking - it is reality.
"to believe there is no hope and everything sucks"
I never said that there is no hope. This part you added.
To believe that reality is different than reality is a fantasy, it is delusion.
" to say that to find another job impossible"
Well, have you lived in a poor country?
"You would make your situation worse"
This is victim blaming.
From the position where you live, it is easy for you to pontificate others.
"Then you can at least put up defense's for them."
This does not pay off with people who have personality disorders like narcissism.
"You could choose a different reaction"
Again, you have victim blaming attitude.
As if the abuse is our fault and that we are choosing to be abused by our "wrong" thinking.
"At least false optimistic views give you hope for something that ain't real"
Nope, that is not how real world works.
False optimisim is root of self sabotage and wrong decisions in life.
"This pessimistic view only feeds despair "
You label reality as pessimistic. That is the problem.
You believe if you put cardboard explanations of reality that hurricane will not blow it.
You are highly delusional.
You are living in a fantasy.
That is personality disorder and it will crumble down as you face life and reality.
-
""Social anxiety disorder involves intense fear of certain social situations—especially situations that are unfamiliar or in which you feel you’ll be watched or evaluated by others" "
This is 10% of social anxiety definition.
The other 90% is related to criticism and rejection.
Check out DSM explanation of social anxiety.
"Again not social anxiety, but just anxiety"
In your delusional world, social anxiety is a mere shyness.
That is wrong definition. That is the root cause of your misunderstanding and wrong conclusions about social anxiety.
" Some people out there are mentally sick"
" they go to mental institutions. "
Problem is that we do not have detector of mentally sick. So this depends on someone in charge to decide for the other person - which is plagued with misdiagnosis.
And mental institutions were dismissed in 1970s. In today's capitalist system - many people who seek help cannot get into institution since the state does not care about throwing money into mental health.
" why we should learn about them and their methods to identify them"
80% of people do not care about abusers and predators. And instead they vote them out and support them.
Manipulators don't wear manipulator on their forehead and they learned techniques to appear charmful.
-
"but the alternative is worse. Holding onto guilt or sadness "
Your alternative is to live in a fantasy and delusion.
You have no idea that instead of guilt or sadness or your fantasy optimism - there is a third option actually: being curious.
" why you should learn about them."
Socially anxious need to learn about predators and abusers because socially anxious people are traumatized into fixing angry abusive people and to become trauma bonded with them - it is in the operant programming (ACE and ACoA).
"people naturally are pretty good at sniffing out"
Trauma makes this sniffing process very difficult due to gaslighting and pathological liars.
". just because you expect bad to happen"
Nope.
I am talking about actual bad that did happen in the past and it is repeated in the present time and it will happen in the future.
Your strategy is deny, dissociate and suppress. Which are dysfunctional coping mechanisms - since they self sabotage.
"Just because someone does something bad once doesn't mean they should be condemned"
Socially anxious due to trauma - they trauma bond with criminally insane.
Why is this information so hard for you to accept and understand?
You keep on your false belief that social anxiety is a mere shyness.
"you didn't respond to a whole lot of points I made previously"
As you said it yourself - you tube would ban long text. So I need to keep it short.
What did I miss?
We are making progress here. Keep asking - and we will get to the basic truth regarding you:
1) you are mislabeling social anxiety with shyness
2) you have no idea what is trauma
3) You have no idea what toxic person is and the effect on others
-
"For example some angry people walk faster."
This won't help us when we are being accused of doing something we did not do - which happens in narcissistic abuse and bullying and mobbing - which all are social anxiety triggers.
You keep on believing that we are guilty for being abused and that we must fix ourselves when we are abused.
This is highly self defeating belief of toxic shame. This false belief will cause you to make very detrimental decisions in life.
" this would still give you a much better chance at being treated better"
Nope.
This is not how narcissistic abuse, bullying and mobbing work.
Fawning to abuser will give them green light to continue with abuse and to intensify it.
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@YoungMan7282 " If reality can't get you through the day, then delusion is the choice that helps you more. "
Such belief leads to schizophrenia.
This is not mentally healthy choice.
" You could shower them with compliments, whether deserved or not and now you likely have a better chance at keeping the job"
Such belief leads to complex trauma later on.
This is not mentally healthy choice.
"better to trip and stubble 1000 times to get 1 step forward than to never take the 1st step."
Such belief leads to life of dissapointment and victim mentality.
This is not mentally healthy choice.
"That brings up the question of what reality even is "
Correct.
IF you choose to believe in your false and mentally unhealthy ideas - eventually you will reap the bitter poisonous fruits of such wrong actions in life.
Then you will realize what is reality - when it bits you.
-
" I never said it was just shyness. "
You refuse to admit that social anxiety is complex trauma and you keep representing it as something to be cured by magical thinking.
"I would say we do have a detector, people as a collective"
Nope.
Society as a group have no idea how to recognize psychopaths and most people fail at Milgram Experiment. Due to groupthink, herd mentality and mostly due to rigid thinking - just like yours, where you refuse to admit that you are wrong.
"Then 80% of people are misinformed"
Yes.
Most people
1) don't like to learn or educate or be proven wrong
2) don't like to spend time in self inspection but instead they numb it down and pretend that there are no problems - like you when you believe that positive thinking is panacea magical cure for all problems in life.
-
@YoungMan7282 " letting go of that pain is not to live in delusion. "
Not processing the pain keeps us stuck in the problem.
We need to learn from the pain - not hide it or numb it down.
"I have no idea how being curious relates to"
Because due to mismatch and mislabel of phenomena around us - we tend to put wrong explanations, place other people's wrong explanation - and then end up with believing we are in pain - while in reality this might be some other sensation.
For example, some people have neurodivergent brain - and they process reality in deeper manner than other people who would describe it as pain. HSP, too. Someone who has been mentally abused for decades, too.
It is not pain at all - in reality - it is being real and feeling the emotions in deeper manner.
That is why we need to be curious - instead of jumping to quick conclusions and quick non-examined labels on anything that moves.
"That is exactly what I am promoting, knowledge about manipulation. "
You are promoting Ostrich effect and putting our head in the sand and thinking happy thoughts.
"People with trauma aren't normal."
This is toxic shame and victim blaming.
People who are serial killers are not normal. Anti social hooligans are not normal. Criminally insane are not normal.
Someone who has been abused and traumatized - is having normal reaction to abnormal predators who abused them.
You are ableist. Learn more about ableism.
"My strategy is to deny, dissociate and suppress things that don't matter"
How can you know what matters?
You are not God, nor you are super human. You can't know what matters.
When you believe you know this - you turn into narcissistic person with personality disorder: someone with rigid thinking.
" which can be fixed by thinking those conservations won't matter"
Yep,
you have no idea what is trauma or PTSD.
Trauma does not mean inability to switch to your philosophy of nihilism.
Trauma is more that it holds onto the person and doesn't let go.
Since you cannot understand trauma at all, I would suggest that you re-evaluate your thoughts about social anxiety.
"Some socially anxious people don't have trauma, they just overthink."
Then those who over-think do not have social anxiety. They have something else.
" shyness is a form of social anxiety"
No, it is not.
Shyness is normal and it is not disorder. There is nothing to heal or cure there and it is easily changeable - shy person simply needs to expose and shyness will go away.
Social anxiety stays no matter how much exposure there is - and even gets worse with exposure to abuse.
"trauma is, but it isn't the cause of all social anxiety, naming unfounded overthinking"
Over-thinking is pureOCD.
"That is why I have a channel about this topic"
1) hopefully my comments will trigger you into another direction and challenge your existing beliefs.
2) be pragmatic-
does your channel actually is helping someone or makes them feel worse?
-
YT "What is required for a social anxiety diagnosis?
"
I would add this:
fear of expressing our OWN scrutiny, our OWN judgement and expose other people's abuse.
This is a hint that social anxiety is Complex Trauma - after-effect of being mentally abused in childhood and later on - but this abuse is buried and denied and ignored and purposely forgotten about due to amount of punishment and pain.
-
Not sure that nitpicking our brain is good idea. Instead I would rather be curious and compassionate and self validating, then being Nazi investigator Spanish inquisition.
-
It is based on idea that our brain will put labels for us. We will quickly come to wrong and false explanations.
Plus, if we are in abusive toxic ambient - other people will do that too.
They will explain to us that we are too sensitive, too needy, childish, or whatever - they will label our anxiety for us as abnormal and weird... and if we believe those lies, we will be gaslighted into abuse and shame.
Shame can be powerful method to control and abuse other person.
-
"Let them leave me. What is about me"
Actually
you are onto something here.
Social anxiety is toxic shame.
IT is deep core hidden buried toxic belief about belief that we are unworthy and unacceptable. Deep down we hate and reject ourselves. That is what fuels trauma and panic and anxiety. But CBT doesn't want us to know this nor self help industry - we are much better farmed and milked with CBT false explanations about social anxiety (that it is hallucination).
-
This is hard to describe.
Since it is complex.
If we live in USA - it is easy to get fired from a job - due to low unemployment and healthy economy.
If we live in toxic poor country like Serbia - we cannot get another job and we depend on toxic ambient to live in toxic country ran by legalized mafia.
So in USA - there is no worse case scenario,
in toxic poor countries like Balkan countries - there is actually worst case scenario - of being homeless and suicidal due to no food or shelter.
-
YT "Is there an easy way to overcome social anxiety? #socialanxiety #anxiety
"
There is nothing to overcome.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma. Trauma needs to be healed , not conquered.
Social anxiety is Toxic shame. Shame is control and manipulative tool to keep us in zombie state. Toxic shame is healed with self love and self validation.
Healing instead of over-coming.
Overcoming implies our brain is abnormal and we need to change it. That is toxic shame.
Being abused is not choice and we done nothing to be abused - it was totally someone's decision to destroy another person - it has nothing to do with us nor our brain nor our choices.
-
YT "#social anxiety disorder: What it is, symptoms, causes and treatment
"
0:44 "persistent fear of being watched by others"
It is not fear. It is trauma. Big difference.
1:10 "mild , moderate, extreme"
Social anxiety can also be Masked and Functional.
This is key to understand.
2:19 "genetics, learned behavior"
It is abuse. Narcissistic abuse causes social anxiety Acoa, ACE.
Being abused in childhood: constantly criticized and corrected and disciplined all the time.
2:58 "Symptoms"
All these panic symptoms are signs of unhealed and unprocessed trauma.
4:14 "CBT"
CBT is ableist therapy that is highly detrimantal - since it ignores trauma.
CBT is based on shame and blame and it is self defeating. CBT is filled with misdiagnosis and highly dangerous therapy that leads to more trauma.
4:58 "inhibitor"
Pharma mafia farming and milking traumatized people.
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YT "How to work with Social Anxiety in the moment (Part 2)
"
Yes you got it!
You finally are on the right track about social anxiety!
This is like Christmas present. I've been following your videos about social anxiety for a year of half - and your previous videos were based on toxic shame and wrong idea of fixing our brain and such CBT belief that we have abnormal brain and that we are at fault for feeling panic.
You understand it now - that social anxiety is social + anxiety. Anxiety stems from toxic people.
We don't feel social anxiety around good and healthy individuals. Social anxiety will come to us in panic mode when there are toxic people around us. Toxic people being the culprit and cause of anxiety.
Learning about narcissistic abuse helps with social anxiety - because without awareness that toxic people cause social anxiety, we will follow common self help industry and CBT gaslighting - that we are the problem and that we are causing our own anxiety, and false belief that abuse does not exist.
Common by-product of abuse is toxic shame - we really will form our identity on the abuse - and we won't have Self inside us. Our traumatized parts will react and over react - and this appears as hallucination to CBT, and CBT will instruct us to destroy our brain and replace it with lobotomy and being robot.
Our brain is fully functional - and we are having totally normal reactions - to abnormal people and abnormal ambient.
Doctor Ramani is having book in February called "it is not you". Gabor Mate wrote a book a year ago - called the Myth of normal. Both books are based on the fact that abused traumatized people are forced to believe into toxic shame - that we are abnormal for feeling reaction to toxic people.
Then we will make wrong decisions in life - since we will base all our plans and reactions and decisions about anything on this toxic shame core belief - that we are abnormal for feeling fear and disgust - and hence we must be codependent and passive and neutral and shy and silent and never protest - since we are "abnormal".
For me personally - when I was curious about why is there trigger to criticism -
I realized that I was totally unaware of this:
1) that I can allow other people to be angry - without fixing them or changing my own decisions and plans by fawning to hysterical person
2) that I can allow other people to have wrong convictions about me - without explaining myself to person who is choosing to have wrong conclusions about me or trying to fix their emotions about me - and keep on doing my decisions and plans and task at hand - without wasting time on rumination or people pleasing the angry person.
"We are not our story and we don't need to believe our story"
Yess.
To align to our true adult Self instead.
Trauma is keeping us stuck in grudge and reactive mode all the time by playing in the loop past abuse experiences.
Now with IFS model - we can have compassion for ourselves and knowing that our abused parts are scared - however that is not our identity. IT is our scared parts - and that our goal is to switch into Adult Self - who will react to abuse in different manner than learned child coping mechanisms. Different manner - is being curious.
From my own experience - being curious - leads to investigation and the truth is always - that toxic people are the cause of anxiety. Not our brain as CBT explains it. And that is the switch - that we no longer burden of toxic shame: deep core belief that we are abnormal and that it is always our blame for anything bad that happens and any angry person we come into contact with.
-
(19.12.2023)
@YoungMan7282 "then you should probably let it go"
This is something you don't understand.
Pain in trauma is not about letting it go. The pain does not let go of the person. Big difference and I have no idea why it is so hard to undestand it - to be hijacked by trauma and pain? You know what the word hijacking means?
" so you want people to learn, that is exactly what I am trying to promote"
You promote blame, discipline, invalidation and total inability to listen or hear or understand the other person. You want to control people.
"Nope I never said that"
Yes, you said it. You said that positive thinking is cure for anything. That is Ostrich effect. Putting your head into sand and refusing to see reality.
" I never discriminated or showed prejudice to any group"
You are doing it through forcing schemas which do not work for traumatized people - socially anxious. Positive thinking and discipline and invalidation of emotions - are discrimination.
" Normal means standard, typical, or usual"
That is the central problem in your mindset.
You refuse to see reality - due to your positive thinking and ignoring of painful emotions.
You do not see reality - that norm and what is normal is created by media and loud people in society. It is artificial. Being normal is making us sick - as Gabor Mate's book said.
Myth of normal. Instead of self-help industry books which are created to make authors rich - read Gabor Mate instead.
" you pick what matters"
In trauma and abuse - the unfair and unjust people pick what matters and force it to people who are in unfavorable power dynamics.
This is also something that you cannot understand.
"Trauma isn't a physical thing that holds onto a person"
One more incorrect belief.
Trauma is body, it is in the body. Trauma is body related.
Trauma is somatic.
" social anxiety disorder is like a 10 which I did not claim to fix."
Yep.
You are talking about shyness all the time.
Not social anxiety.
This is what I am talking about since the start of this comment thread.
"You brought up social anxiety disorder while I talked about social anxiety."
You are talking about shyness.
Social anxiety is normal. Without it we would be a bully and abuser and without empathy.
Social anxiety keeps us on healthy stress - to keep up appearances and keep our hygiene and that we consider other people's feelings without offending others.
"I never put anyone down, just offering advice."
You put other people down by refusing to listen to them.
-
YT "How to Solve Rejection Sensitivity (3 easy solutions to live without fear ✨)
"
English language does not do us favor in medical industry. It is totally misleading,
the word Rejection signifies someone not wanting to hang out with us.
Which is actually great - since it is a form of trash taking itself outside.
Rejection in medical industry means more of being blamed for something that we did not do or we gave 1000 percent of our time, focus and money not to make mistake - and then there is some goon who is blaming us for being stupid.
That is rejection in RSD.
And naturally - this brings feeling of anger and panic.
When this is repeated since childhood - it snowballs into RSD.
-
"Complex trauma is a pathology tho"
No it is not.
Being abused is not pathology.
Horrible victim blaming here. The state of toxic society that we live in.
"If only she did not walk in short skirt, she would not be assaulted"
Abuser- centered society.
Everyone blames the target of abuse, and nobody is fingerpointing to psychopaths and sociopaths due to fear of being attacked - so it is easier to kick the wounded hapless dog on the ground.
Pathology is serial killer who enjoys destroying others. That is pathology.
-
YT "How to Solve Rejection Sensitivity (3 easy solutions to live without fear ✨)
"
"Forcing yourself into situations where you are able to be rejected so that you can retrain your brain to see that if you do get rejected, like keeps going. It is not the end of world. You're still able to move forward. And this moment didn't define you or change you are a person."
What happens when...
1) we get fired in poor country and we can't find another job and become homeless and hooligans are peeing in our mouth when we sleep and beat us up?
2) when we we have Quiet BPD where our Self worth and persona is destroyed due to ACoA and ACE and then other people define us as we walk around in the world?
3) when we are in toxic ambient where other people are intrusive and hence form our identity to become in defensive mode all the time?
4) when we do not have money for shelter and food and we depend on other people - who are rude and intrusive and aggressive?
What then?
-
YT "How to Deal With Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria? | Tips That Work When You Have ADHD"
RSD is not endemic to ADHD.
RSD will often come up outside and at job - so we cannot divert our attention to something else, take walk or put ice on our forehead, because we are paid to face unfair and unjust punishments and endless bullying and non-addressed abuse elephant in the room, and unfair accusations and hence we will be focused on these. So - we can't pause.
RSD is not our fault. It is toxic people who are triggering us - their power position authority.
If we believe our brain is abnormal for being abused - we will develop toxic shame or add more toxic shame on top of the existing one.
So I would forget and dismiss all numbers from 1 to 3, and go with number 4 - being curious.
And when we become detective - we will discover that our reaction is due to toxic people around us who are most probably covert and appear due to their masking as competent and strong and better than everyone else and they tend to shift blame and errors onto other people - and then we end up with RSD. Always.
Narcissistic abuse is always covert and it is always masked and made functional and narcissists ALWAYS shift their wrongdoing onto others. Always. Doctor Ramani has a book in February that will be called It is not you. It really not us.
We are dealing with psychopaths, sociopaths and predators. That is the cause of RSD.
-
YT "Unmasking Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in Adult ADHD with Dr. Bill Dodson and Beth Bardeen (Part 4)"
"how does RSD event for ADHD differ from an autistic meltdown or shutdown"
It doesn't.
RSD is interchangeable.
Dr Dodson inadvertently discovered panacea for mental health issues related to anxiety - due to his compassion and actual listening and understanding of people who suffer.
CBT only medicates traumatized victims of abuse and never actually listens to them. Dr Dodson actually listened to them - and discovered what is obvious to anyone who is normal human being and actually listens to other human beings. Which CBT is uncapable.
-
(20.12.2023)
OMG.
So much borderline dysfunctional mentality here.
Let's unwrap it.
1) " being more confident can be developed in small steps."
That is narcissism. When confidence is developed, that is narcissistic disorder.
Fake mask. Pretending to be someone else in order to exploit others. With BPD we will tend to glorify abusers and see their confidence as ancient Greek gods to admire and aspire.
2) "nobody was born confident it’s how they were raised as children"
Being confident IS NOT taking pictures for Instagram.
Being confident IS NOT yelling and screaming at other people.
Being confident IS NOT being strong.
Being confident IS NOT being courageous.
Being confident IS NOT having money.
Being confident IS NOT being loud.
Being confident IS BEING FINE WITH WHO PEOPLE ARE, with all their FLAWS and MISTAKES and ERRORS - and not feeling toxic shame about it all, at all.
3) "you have the power to change it now!"
There is nothing to change!
If we were abused - it was NOT our fault.
We do not need to fit in into toxic world and fawn over to it.
Our brain is not abnormal for being abused.
We do not need to adapt to sick society.
4) "programming your thaught beliefs needs effort"
This is narcissism and this is the core of BPD insanity- we believe that we need to nitpick our brain all the time and change it because we reject it at the core and we are convinced that because toxic people exist - that this is fault in our thinking style and our brain. Nope. The one and ONLY fault is in toxic people.
There is nothing abnormal or sick or disgusting or pathological about our brain nor about our reaction to psychopaths and sociopaths who are masked and pretend to be sane to third parties.
5) "as you will naturally try to mimic it"
This is another motor of BPD. Trauma bonding and being codependent on other people to use them to construct our personality.
Nope! We do not need other people to be happy about ourselves nor to build our own persona and allow our core persona to flourish.
Depending on other people to feel happy about ourselves is after-effect of abuse.
6) "surround yourself with positive & well-intentioned people"
With BPD - it is a clear sign that we live in toxic shame culture ambient - and most people around us are toxic to begin with.
Also, the unhealed and unprocessed trauma will make us see the worst in people and the best good and well meaning people will hurt us over and over again - because we walk with unhealed trauma inside us - for which we are convinced is our brain's fault and abnormality that we must cure.
Nope.
Healing trauma does not mean programming our brain and adapting to toxic people and toxic behavior.
-
If we tell our brain that is faulty and needs fixing in order to fit in into toxic society, we are creating toxic shame (deep core belief we are abnormal) and fear and panic - since we believe we are in danger from other people all the time.
-
YT "Heal Toxic Shame Quickly with This Breakthrough Method
"
When toxic shame comes up - our brain (due to toxic society and misdiagnosis and mainly from CBT and self help industry) will interpret unpleasant painful RSD feelings as our own fault in our own brain - that we are not good enough and that is the reason why we feel this shame.
Based on this faulty instruction from corrupt medical industry and self help parasites, we will come up with plethora of explanations that our clothes are poor and bad, that our haircut is wrong, anything that we wear, the way we talk, what we speak about, and what we think about,, and our physical sensations such as panic - that all of these are disgusting and wrong and that we must fix ourselves - that we must nitpick our brain and become strong and courageous and better - thinking if we are perfect that somehow bad people will never show up, that we will not provoke them by our badness and looking disgusting and thinking in bad ways.
So due to CBT and self help books, we end up pathologizing ourselves without being aware that we are doing it, and without being aware that toxic shame is the motor that propels this self defeating beliefs and detrimental actions - such as over-explanation, codependency, throwing money on fixing our ambient and things around us and mostly rumination and being hypervigilant - by false belief that if we think more and more that somehow we will evade feeling shame and criticism from other people who nitpick our errors and flaws.
Toxic shame is total self destruction of the Self. We don't have self worth. It is Ego Death. And instead of persona, we develop make-shift personality that depends on other people to feel good and safe, trauma bonding and external referencing locus of control. This happens outside of our awareness. We have no idea that we do not possess Self. We believe that our Self and persona is inside us, but toxic shame is clue that our Self is destroyed.
Without Self we don't make plans. We are not secure about our choices. We are like motorless boat in ocean, which moves as ambient and other people push us around - since we have no grounding.
Some people tend to build this grounding by abusing others which is explained away as being assertive and strong - and this abuse ends up as borderline and narcissistic disorder.
So as it is explained in the video - we need to restore Self through acceptance and validation, self validation. Which means validating our flaws, errors and mistakes - without depending on other people to explain us reality and give us facts which they believe in.ž
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YT "You Were Never BAD Enough for the Borderline
"
In corrupt countries like Croatia or Serbia, narcissists overcompensate their toxic shame by applying to job managerial positions which they are not qualified with, they lie - and then they abuse and bully co-workers on that job.
In corruption, they use nepotism and corruption to stay on this managerial positions - and they shift errors onto innocent coworkers who must take the blame and be fired eventually while narcissists are protected by toxic system of corruption.
This is why poor countries are not competent to compete in economy and then they stay poor.
Wealthy investors will avoid such places, and this cements the poverty.
Narcissists do so much incredible damage on society - on both personal level and macro level - in economy - destroying everything that they touch.
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Having no filter is being psychopath and sociopath.
Many of us believe that psychopaths and sociopaths must be Lector and serial killers.
Nope. They live among us as family members, neighbors, colleagues. They fit in due to heavy masking and making their disorder to be functional.
Yet - their disorder is creating disorder in those who can recognize them behind their mask: abused traumatized people.
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" just expects them to know how to socialize"
Yet paradoxically in the same time - at the parties or at job or at any social event - those people who are the most rude, the most loud, the most gossiping, the most irritating and annoying - are always at the center of attention, they are the heart of the parties and at jobs and everyone looks up to them- even though they lack all common courtesy bon-ton social skills known to 2000 years of civilization.
In the same time - person who is kind and follows social skills is deemed as boring.
Something to think about.
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Personality disorders are hard to cure because we tend to reject and refuse reality. Being stubborn is being egocentric. This stubbornness and rejection of reality keeps on mental illness ongoing.
That is why borderline disorder is linked with narcissistic disorder.
Both mindset refuse to hear or listen or understand facts and real life. And instead cocoon into own made up fantasy beliefs and self referential explanations.
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(21.12.2023)
That is the whole point of Self-help industry - it helps no one but the author's bank account.
They parasite over traumatized people and farm and milk the trauma.
Plus,
If there was a magical cure for anxiety - wouldn't be ethically and morally wrong to put a dollar sign on it?
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(22.12.2023)
YT "How To Eliminate Intrusive Thoughts Starting today 🚨
"
What I learned on my own during massive amount of time (decades) -that anxiety is not bad.
Anxiety is alarm system that we are in toxic settings. It is not us that are causing the problem.
1) Anxiety stems from external environment - which is toxic. Like living in a shame culture country. Like Narcissistic abuse. Like emotional abuse. As oppose to living in Guilt culture country.
In shame culture - society will label our mistakes and flaws as personal fault and own choice which is bad to the core.
Intrusive thought issue also stems from AcoA and ACE in childhood - exposure to relentless criticism 24/7- which is 10 year old child inside us being traumatized and invalidated.
More of invalidation will not help in this complex trauma issue.
This is important to know because when we do not know that anxiety is external reaction to external toxic elements - we will self blame ourselves. And once we start to blame ourselves , we will develop toxic shame, self hatred and self rejection. Which means totally new layers of anxiety on top of the existing trauma - that was externally caused.
Which leads to the next discovery
2) Our identity is being rooted in not being enough. And CBT will keep us stuck in this such toxic belief that we are abnormal and sick. Which means new and new layers of anxiety.
It is not about that we choose to have intrusive thoughts - it is toxic ambient that is being coercive and manipulative that is the sole problem here.
It is not that fear is imaginary or hallucination. Anxiety is based on the real abuse and real predators and abusive people around us who are most often covered and covert through plethora of gaslighting and pathological lying.
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Nitpicking our thoughts is not good idea. This will lead to toxic shame and basic belief that we cannot depend on our own brain and our own instincts.
Then we will become lobotomized and depended on other people to explain us what is reality.
This is recipe for developing severe codependency - and we will attract extremely toxic people who feel urge to control and manipulate others.
Why would it be so hard to stand by our own brain, our emotions and beliefs and intuition and our heart - instead of self disciplining ourselves into being a good boy or good girl who is obedient and never rocks the boat?
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When we are caught up in ableist CBT fantasy idea that we must "change" ourselves - this is hypnotizing us into mentality of not being enough. We base our identity on not being enough. And then we end up being needed and clingy and codependent and slave with slave mentality - where other people are gods while we are hapless victim who is not allowed to have "bad" emotions such as anxiety or fear or doubt or worry.
When we operate from not enough mentality, we will be stuck in anxiety paradoxically - forever, plus we will develop severe toxic shame (basic core belief we are abnormal and we must hate ourselves until we become perfectionist)
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Kids? What about job? Not having resources to pay for the shelter.
This is why CBT is ableist and totally wrong therapy and medical industry is flooding us with old patriarchy idea of living in dissociation from the real world.. and real problems in life.
CBT ought to be banned.
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I am really curious whether breathing will built any confidence.
When we come from not enough mentality - we will never be confident in our core beliefs.
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Bad thoughts?
And what are these?
Bad thoughts would be if we are serial killer or anti-social monster.
HAving anxiety is not bad. It is alarm that we are around anti-social monsters. It is alarm system and it is wrong to put labels on our reactions to abusers and manipulators and mentally ill sick predators.
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By developing I am enough identity.
That is what CBT tries not to tell us. Instead CBT is pushing us into abyss of I am not enough - I must "reframe" my thoughts, I must carry weight, I must nitpick my mind, I must waste time and focus on recycling my thoughts, I must convince myself that abusers are not real and then stuck with them, I must develop ostrich effect and let go of reality. These are all "I am not enough" mentality and CBT is hypnotizing us into more of anxiety - since this way we will waste tons of money on self help and books for all our lives, we are walking dollar sign to CBT.
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Nope , it is not.
London belongs to Guilt Culture country. Check this on search web and images.
Shame culture countries are in the East and Balkans are the only countries in Europe that belong to Shame Culture countries.
Algeria belongs to shame culture.
When we come from shame culture - we cannot separate guilt from it. Then all criticism and remark will be interpreted as humiliation.
In reality - nobody can humiliate us. We are doing this to ourselves - by following hypnotic operant conditioning which we were subjected to from shame culture country.
Shame is - that we believe our flaws and mistakes are our identity - that we are bad person for not being perfect - and therefore we cannot change or become better - since our core being is bad and flawed - and this is what we have been programmed to believe.
Guilt on the other hand is - separation of our identity away from our actions. When we do bad- we own it and apologize and make amends. It is not the other person what is judge of our character. Our character is not being investigated or questioned, if we are not serial killer or anti-social monster - there is nothing faulty in our persona. With shame culture we believe that there is something bad in our core self.
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I would rather focus on your idea that you are in the rut. Where is this coming from?
Why would taking rest be a rut?
If we take away time from the well deserved rest - we will develop stress, toxic stress. We cannot help others from an empty cup.
Cup must be filled - and we fill the cup when we "not do anything"
You said you feel "bad about myself" at 1:18
This is critical small detail which indicates the deep toxic shame and borderline disorder.
Deep down you hate yourself and you are trying to over-compensate this basic core self rejection.
Self improvement stems from "I am not enough" mentality. You mentioned Mawell Maltz in your previous video, and his book Cyberthronics-
When your self-image is adequate and one that you can be wholesomely proud of, you feel self-confident. You feel free to "be yourself" and to express yourself. You function at your optimum.
Maxwell Maltz
Even though you read his book - you do not SEE that you are like in this book - you are chasing the perfection which can never be achieved.
Like he said in his book - his clients came to him for plastic surgeries - endless operations - and he discovered that clients are coming to constantly fix themselves. That is what you are doing too. As Maxwell Maltz discovered - you have basic toxic shame internalized inside yourself that is propelling you to live in I am not enough mentality.
So you must fix yourself all the time. You must do something in order to feel validated.
That is toxic. You feel bad deep deep inside you - and you are not aware of this deep core toxic shame.
This toxic shame will make you focus on non-important things and away from your destiny in life. This toxic shame will keep you in constant state of stress - since you will prune parts of yourself which are normal and healthy and you will sacrifice them in order to appear great and superior so that other people validate you.
You need to validate yourself.
You are afraid of this due to deep toxic shame of self hatred and self rejection and I am not enough mentality - that your ambient programmed in your mind during childhood of discipline and criticism.
Paradox is once you accept and validate yourself, when you operate and install I am enough mentality - paradox is that you will have plenty of energy to "self improve" and become perfect that you try to achieve right now.
When you accept and approve yourself, you will not depend on other people to tell you what is accepted norm - and you will be curious and experiment more in life, like making your videos without your shirt on which you are afraid to do now due to fear of criticism and opinions of other people.
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(23.12.2023)
Fight is only one way of dysfunction..
Dysfunctional families are also:
- not talking
- not sharing
- not allowing to talk
- not allowing to share
- rigid rules
- criticism
- nagging
- error nitpickings
- shaming
- put downs
- not expressing emotions
- not allowing to express emotions
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"apologize "
Guilt and shame are used in manipulation and control and coercive control.
These are tools which anti-social monsters such as psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists use to take advantage of good nice, friendly, sane, open people who are willing to take accountability for anything.
When we struggle with guilt and shame - it is always good to be curious , to read Dark Psychology and to seek for manipulation and control tools and techniques which toxic people use and abuse and then abuse others with.
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This is still codependency and depending on other people to feel good about himself. herself.
"This is basically how I cured it. Just talking to people and learning how to talk to people"
S/he cured nothing. Simply morphed and transformed social anxiety into people pleasing and fawning and depending on other people to feel happy secure and good about oneself.
This is why CBT and self help industry must be banned - they are misleading us into wrong direction with wrong explanations.
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" repeat that what others think of me is none of my business."
This never helped me.
What helps me is learning about ACoA so to know where this hypnosis stems from.
Also,
it helps to say that I allow other people to have wrong conclusions about me and do nothing about it (for example trying to convince them into something). That realization helped me a lot: just allowing people to be angry, they are responsible adults responsible for their own actions and decisions.
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Yeah, I think people tend to use hypercognition and then quickly put label on anything that moves.
When we learn about anxiety - everything will seem and appear anxious to us.
When we learn about trauma - everything will be traumatizing suddenly.
When we learn about rejection - everything will appear as rejection to us.
The curse of knowledge and learning is that we need to keep on learning in order to reduce by-product of knowledge: hypercognition.
Hypercognition leads to misdiagnosis and new layers of mental health issues.
In her case, it seems more like narcissism and borderline issue than actual rejection - being greedy about the food. Any person living in the developed country and has money to visit restaurants really does not need to worry about the food.
Rejection would be if her friend put her down for being fat.
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Therapist are not always reliable. Especially if they are CBT therapists. It is always good to seek second opinion.
CBT is based on milking and farming traumatized people and quickly pathologizing anything that moves in order to make profit from trauma - never actually naming it trauma.
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25.12.2023
"How do you become your fullest self?
"
By healing trauma. In childhood we were punished for expressing our opinion, emotions and disciplined with criticism about any error we made.
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YT "THIS brings CLARITY from social ANXIETY
"
What happens when we are fully Self- and then get fired - and we live in poor and corrupt mafia ran country like Serbia where we cannot find another job?
What to do in such extreme cases, yet real life examples?
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With social anxiety trauma we are not.
Self has been destroyed through ACoA and ACE childhood - exposure to relentless criticism, nagging, complaining, error nitpicking 24/7
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YT "The Science Behind Social Anxiety (And How To Beat It) #psychology #fyp
"
Nope. Social anxiety is not phobia. It was renamed in mid 1990s because CBT "Experts" realized it was not phobia and it does not go away with exposure.
Public speaking is not the same as social anxiety - and it even has different name for that kind of condition and it is listed in common Wikipedia page.
Introversion is not the same as social anxiety since many extroverts have social anxiety.
You mix up shyness with social anxiety. Common mistake.
Think of social anxiety as being stuck in toxic job with ongoing mobbing from colleagues and boss and constant verbal and physical abuse from customers, even after work. And in the same time you cannot quit this kind of toxic job due to finances.
That is social anxiety.
It is called social+anxiety because anxiety stems from the social element.
It is not called self anxiety.
Society being the problem. Not the person who is abused and harassed by toxic society.
That is why social anxiety cannot be overcomed away - because problem are bullies, narcissists and psychopaths.
Instead healing trauma and planning escape from toxic ambient is the key - not denial or suppression.
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He confabulates his reality since that is easier for him to deal with his own issues.
Eventually the reality will crash his world and that is why living in delusions is dangerous.
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He gave you totally wrong description of social anxiety, make you codependent on him, denied your suffering and make you set up dysfunctional coping mechanism of denial and delusions - and you thank him??
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I watched his videos before. There he claimed that social anxiety is shyness that is beaten with exposure.
Then I made comments about trauma - and he updated his narrative about social anxiety - but it is half baked.
IFS Model helps with both understanding social anxiety and healing trauma that produces social anxiety as byproduct.
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YT "Holiday Social Anxiety
"
I can't believe it, America is making awareness about social anxiety - that it is a real trauma.
I watched mainstream news about social anxiety - and until now nobody told it was related to previous bad experiences (trauma).
Until not ableist CBT was reigning wrong and detrimental and misleading explanations and narratives about social anxiety being a mere shyness that we confabulate out of sheer boredom.
Medical industry dislike trauma - since making money is much more secure with wrong explanations and deliberate wrong descriptions of trauma.
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(26.12.2023)
"Well done! hope I can do the same and get over this fear."
Or you can pretend you are strong and brave and make comments that you have cured your social anxiety, and then people will be at owe at you for being brave and strong.
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"could you tell me what exactly is narcissism in that situation?"
1) the starting clue is I I I statements. Me me me. Always me and I. Other people do not exist, their emotions and problems are not important neither in the focus.
It is only my erratic emotions that must be in the focus and observed all the time.
2) then the second clue is victim mentality. "All" people told me I was lazy. This is simply not true. Not all people tell the same thing. This is only a narc mindset that is making this director's cut in their head where the only criticism is played and screened out - while neutral comments are filtered out
3) Third clue is Entitlement and Control and Manipulation. She insisted that a small piece of food is hers, as if she lives in a small poor African country without food resources. If you go eating out at the restaurant, you have enough money for food. You can always order another course - or amazingly enough - not eat that small piece at all.
When we give orders to our "friends" then we are not being friendly.
When we expect other people to be perfect, then we are not being friendly. We are being egocentric and selfish and narcissistic.
When we expect that other person must listen to us - then we are dictators. We give away their freedom and we expect that other people will be puppies who obey us at our whim, and make drama when they are not. That is narcissism and borderline issue - where our self worth is connected with other people's approval and obedience.
4) Covert narcissists employ strategies to evoke sympathy in order to control and manipulate other people - like crying. This is typical for borderliners.
5) Narcissists make drama at restaurants and at holidays.
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YT "How To Treat Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (ADHD Rage) - Dr. Janina Maschke
"
"Love myself more"
works because RSD is motorized by hidden self hatred , self rejection that we are not aware of - by product of exposure to invalidation during growing up (constant corrections and nitpicking and unfair relentless criticism).
IFS Model helps - because it is based on this hidden destroyed Self that we do not posses, we are not aware that Self is non existent inside us.
It is like walking with 3rd degree burning all over our body - not only the touch will be painful but also a mere breeze or heat or cold will be painful to experience - because we don't have skin to protect us.
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YT "Answering Your Questions - What helps Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
"
IFS Model helps.
First we need to know why RSD happens and where it comes from.
RSD stems from exposure to relentless criticism over long period of time, during childhood (ACoA and ACE). This is called Complex Trauma.
When we are exposed to relentless correction and put downs - our Self will be destroyed.
Without Self - we don't know who we are, what we like and where we go in life. Instead - without Self - we depend on other people to approve us and be happy with us. This is called Trauma bonding.
So the solution is - building up Self, our persona, our character - which we will notice will start to clash and crash with reality.
Other people will criticize us when we say No to their demands, when we choose to dress like we like, when we admit our sexual orientation, when we do things we like (without being selfish of course) - other people will find errors and try to control and manipulate us into their agenda and their norms and beliefs.
During growing up - we had no rights to say No nor to run away - and instead we developed self rejection and we build up wrong fake persona - that is adapted to toxic people and toxic ambient : the one who suppress own anger and dislikes.
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YT "How to Handle Criticism, Hate and Disrespect? - Resilient Freedom Podcast
"
Criticism "You're stupid" is Ad Hominem and when we learn logical biases we can easily dismiss such verbal abuse as non significant.
However
criticism about something we done with 100% of our energy and focus that we know is correct - and being accused as wrong and not being careful - is different kind of criticism. Also, criticism when we are doing something for the first time - and being expected to be perfect right from the start - is abuse. Criticism related to perfection is unfair - because nobody can be perfect.
3:58
"Blow it out of proportion" - yes.
"Focus on the task" - yes.
However criticism that hurts comes from someone in power dynamics, where we are in unfavorable power dynamics: such as not having rank - and someone in authority accusing us as being lazy and not taking job seriously and then verbally abusing us even with punishment.
"This is not about you" - will not work with RSD. Unfortunately discipline and logic does not work here due to trauma.
Think of trauma like being forced to have our arm twisted in unnatural way. For a long period of time - we will have cramps in our arm, our blood will not circulate - due to being forced being in un-natural position. This cannot be washed away with "ignore the pain", logic will not help here - since trauma is body wound.
Long term exposure to narcissistic abuse causes brain injury - there is a physical harm to the brain - research it if you do not believe it.
That is why CBT will not work with any psychological issue.
In fact - if someone correct us for being corrected - this will add to the already present RSD and trauma - because we are keep on being invalidated. We are being invalidated for being invalidated when someone tells us that we must use logic to remove RSD. Unfortunately - it will not work. IT should work - but trauma defies logic and all known laws of common sense.
We can divide RSD in two ways:
1) comments that are based on someone's hysteria and Ad Hominem
2) comments that are based on attacking our human rights
With the first one - logic will help. This is your video here.
However for real life situations - when we live in Toxic Shame Culture countries where most people are intrusive and cross boundaries - then we are being abused. This is called Coercive Control. Another term is being manipulated. Narcissistic abuse.
This kind of RSD cannot be treated nor cured with logic - because the problem is abnormal psychopath on the other side - for whom we depend on due to job, finances or security or papers like bureaucracy. Think of women being trapped in abusive marriage from which they cannot run away due to threat of femicide and children.
Think of being trapped in toxic job which we cannot quit because we live in poor corrupt country without employment options - other than being abused and harassed at job 24/7- that is RSD. Being trapped in abuse where we cannot defend ourselves nor we can run away.
Think of children growing up in abuse and dysfunction with narcissistic caretakers who appear as angels to the public so nobody believes the child - or child having alternative of growing up in Epstein caretake center where children are sexually and verbally abused. That is RSD - being trapped in abuse.
We are talking here about narcissistic abuse.
Narcissistic abuse means being abused - just as the title says it. It is being controlled, manipulated, everything that happens wrong is blamed upon on us all the time. That is RSD. Being in abusive horrible situation from which we cannot quit or run away.
So when we focus on the task - abuser will always complain and nag and criticize us - no matter how perfect we perform or do our job. IT is relentless constant abuse and criticism - where we cannot improve.
So this is not about improving ourselves. If we get caught up in false belief that we must fix ourselves - we will end up with victim mentality, being passive and depending on other people to approve us and we become people pleaser who believes that his only purpose in life is to fix someone's anger and mood swings. We become slave to predator - who's only job is to scream and nag and complain - and we are now trapped in hamster wheel of pleasing their demands and wishes and criticism. That is RSD. Idea that we fix ourselves to someone who is mentally ill and anti-social - will not end up good. We won't become good one day. We will never receive the praise nor approval no matter how much we try to fix ourselves.
We need to realize that the one and only problem is toxic person who is mentally ill narcissist and borderline and predator.
How much pause and ponder and plan can we do in life?
This way we are like motorless boat in the ocean - where our direction in life depends on emotions and mood swings of other people.
The problem are toxic people who control us and our fear of anger. The problem is suppressed anger inside us which we were forbidden to have in ACoA ACE years while growing up.
20:50
ABC - when we are caught in belief that we must change our thoughts - our brain will interpret this CBT's approach as our brain is abnormal. This will end up as toxic shame (deep core belief we are abnormal and inept). This will destroy our Self. The outcome of trauma and abuse is that our Self is destroyed - and now CBT tells us that our normal and natural reactions to toxic people is the imaginary fault in our own brain. IT is not. Our brain is working totally normal.
When we discard belief as CBT tells us - we will be punished by person in authority who is abusing us.
They will scream, punish us, harm us. In toxic job - we will get fired for not obeying toxic boss and their abnormal demands.
When we cannot find another job - we will end up homeless where hooligans will pee in our mouth when we sleep outside in the street and they will kick us with boots in our head and body. Why is this so hard to understand - that the problem are anti-social monsters around us. The problem is not in our brain. The problem is narcissistic abuse and coercive control.
Our brain would be problem - our "limiting" beliefs would be problem - if we are serial killers and when we abuse other people. That is when the brain is abnormal. Being abused is not brain's fault. We did not cause our abuse.
When we follow CBT idea - we end up fixing ourselves all the time - while in the same time toxic people stay toxic and abuse us - we stay stuck in abusive ambient and never actually move away from it - since we end up pathologizing our brain. CBT is detrimental - since it hypnotizes us to be stuck in lacking mentality -we lack something and we must always running on empty. We end up hating our Self because we feel panic and fear when we are in contact with toxic people - because we are convinced that our brain is abnormal for experiencing abuse that we never caused in the first place. We end up feeling guilty - because we are instructed by CBT to feel guilty - and hence we must change ourselves to fit in into toxic ambient.
Instead of CBT, there is IFS Model - that actually works and helps with RSD.
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" So you believe that social anxiety is incurable?"
We need to change our point of view about social anxiety.
There is nothing to cure inside us.
The fault lies in toxic people who are absorbed in anti-social behavior which we pick up easily with our radars due to previous exposure to abuse (ACoA and ACE), Complex trauma.
CBT instructs us in false and wrong direction - that we must adapt to toxic society and perform tricks to absorb toxicity. This way we develop totally new unnecessary layers of stress and social anxiety and trauma:
1) we believe our brain is abnormal for experiencing abuse and coercive control,
2) we end up with constant hypervigilant state where we always try to cure ourselves - while toxic people all they need to do is being rude and aggressive to us and others.
We end up like being motorless boat in ocean that throws us here and there at a whim.
We end up being preoccupied by seeking cure for this - when the urge to cure ourselves is faulty and wrong and detrimental.
IFS Model tells us to accept and validate ourselves, to realize our panic is the by-product of exposure to toxic people as children and our learned programmed operant conditioned beliefs and responses - which are not abnormal nor there is anything to cure.
We simply add adult powers that we have as adults:
such as planning escape route from abuse,
not tolerating toxic people anymore,
calmly stating our opinion and needs,
not feeling grudge anymore around toxic people since as adults we understand that such people are mentally ill and abnormal and that their brain is abnormal - not ours. We do not need to cure anything inside us. It is toxic people who are the problem - who gaslight us into belief that we are sick for feeling pain when toxic people push us around.
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(27.12.2023)
You need to understand that people who are not in toxic ambient and who are not abused - will not watch your video or any video about psychological issues. They will simply live their life away - they will have goals and tasks and be in the sun, go to snatch ice-cream or sit in a caffe bar when they are not working. They will simply not waste their time on hard topics that remind them of their trauma.
It is only the traumatized people and abused targets who will dedicate their time to you tube and seek answers and understanding what is going on..
"how can people suffering from abuse realize that it's not healthy?"
They can't!
We are not built for toxic people.
Toxic people are inhumane. IT is like anti-matter meeting the matter.
Our bodies will produce stress hormones around toxic people and being in toxic ambient.
The same way as human body is not built up to be in Chernobyl due to toxic radiation - we cannot discipline ourselves to be strong and resilient to toxic radiation.
Toxic people lie. They are pathological liars. They are delusional - their head cannot process reality and anything true and factual is painful to them - hence their toxicity. They cannot operate in the real world - and they discovered early on in life to survive in reality that they need to abuse other people and exploit them and parasite on them.
They won't parasite on people who were not abused. Toxic people will sniff out traumatized socially anxious people - because we are programmed to fix anger people and to depend on them - due to toxic shame. So toxic people will use gaslighting and love bombing and methods and strategies to keep us hooked on them.
I see the only help is education about narcissistic abuse - it is the only way to have enough knowledge how to recognize toxic people - who will wear mask and appear as good to us.
-
IFS Model helps.
When we are in the mindset of fixing ourselves, we are destroying our Self. We are telling ourselves that we are abnormal and sick and weird and basically that we cannot rely on our own brain. This self rejection will program us to depend on other people - hence we end up being "nice guy" - since we cannot rely on our brain, on our emotions, on our beliefs, opinions, decisions, errors, flaws.
Being nice guy stems from being punished and mocked and abused in childhood in our formative years - so being nice is a by-product of trauma. It is not the central problem, it is not the virus from which our symptoms spring from. It is the same as saying the sneezing is the problem while in the same time we have a virus inside our body wrecking havoc and causing us to sneeze.
It is like we need to go through the process of Exorcism - we have trauma stuck lodged parked inside our body - and it needs to flush away.
IFS Model is based on idea that we focus on our goals and tasks - that will sustain our Self. It also explains that we feel panic and pain and toxic shame because of parts of ourselves that were traumatized and being told they are incompetent and worthless - so we don't have Adult model construct to build up our life upon, our decisions and opinions are modeled around traumatized parts inside us.
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Pure OCD is rumination, intrusive thoughts. It is having automatic negative thoughts and beliefs, convictions and explanations that carry shame and panic and black and white thinking - and it triggers our primal fears and trauma so they are very painful and frightening and hence they lead to compulsion - such as hiding, isolating, being in panic mode, being focused on survival, avoiding life - because anything is experienced as painful. Like walking around with third degree of burning all over the body - when not only touch is shocking but also a light breeze is causing discomfort.
I discovered Pure OCD in 2015 after I decided to investigate what the hell is going on with my thoughts when I am outside.
I could not understand why I feel shame and uncomfortable in social situations and being in a state of expecting to be attacked at any moment and accused of something.
5 years later on, I discovered -
These stem from exposure to narcissistic abuse.
So much wasted time.
I wish someone told me this in a short comment -
instead I wasted years and years of studying and analyzing and trying to make sense, being focused on my feelings and fears and seeking answers what is going on - with scarce and little information out there to explain what is happening.
IFS Model - helped me a lot. No Bad Parts book.
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YT "Shy/Quiet Borderline “Diagnosis”, Reality vs. Phantasy/Fantasy
"
Quiet BPD helped me realize I have BPD. This label helped me with these crucial ideas which were previously mysterious and not in the focus:
1) I do not have Self. Self is destroyed due to exposure to relentless criticism over long period of time, verbal abuse and shaming.
2) There is black and white thinking which helps me stabilize and regulate myself when I am in panic mode because I know what is happening
3) There is hidden covert suppressed anger - and quiet bpd label helped me realize that there is this anger pushed down - and this anger comes to the surface when I am triggered.
I learned about BPD before but I dismissed it because I was convinced that BPD is the same as being impulsive BPD.
I agree with Sam Vaknin that labels are bad, and diagnosing is over-all bad idea - but we need to have as much as correct explanation about the panic and dysregulation. If we don't have - then we are prone to self blame and accept other people's random explanations which are always detrimental and unfair and not correct.
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Nope. It is extremely unhealthy and misleading to talk only about BPD and only about NPD.
Comparison helps with understanding it - since it is very complex. It is like comparing two shades of very similar color. It is only the small and detailed differences that help us understand the correct shade/temperature of color.
On top if, I would add the healthy mind. As comparison.
How a healthy person thinks and how a healthy person would react when he or she is put in the same humiliation, collapse situation as NPD or BPD person is found inside.
That is missing here - how we know how would healthy person would react, think, be focused on when humiliated and dysregulated. How a healthy person thinks and their history and what would healthy person do - if he or she is put in a long term abuse situation where they are stressed to the point of breaking and cracking - which NPD and BPD were exposed as children.
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" I call it Bruce Banner syndrome because I’m mild mannered and extremely compassionate but when in that state I become the Incredible Hulk. It is like having two different and opposite personalities. It can change suddenly."
I go through the same process but instead of angry Hulk I become a fluffy poodle. My anger is transformed or suppressed into extreme people pleasing and panic and making the triggering person my god to worship and obey and listen, while in the same time self flagellating myself. With the exposure - this extreme people pleasing fades but it is warped into self hatred thoughts and feeling shame and guilt and feeling guilty all the time and operating from such mindset - where I end up avoiding people altogether since it is painful and I expect other people will abuse and take advantage of my passivity and silence and obedience.
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YT "Shy/Quiet Borderline “Diagnosis”, Reality vs. Phantasy/Fantasy
"
I would say that we need anecdotes and personal experience. Science and mass testing will not do.
How else we will discover and uncover our conditions and know what is happening with us?
For example - collapse when humiliated - I would describe it as Ego Death, destruction of Self.
And warped reality - how it looks like in real life.
It is like watching TV news with crime on streets - and then believing the crime happens 24/7.
Or reading about date crime murder case - and then end up believing that all dates will lead to murder.
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YT "Is the Quiet Borderline really quiet? How do they deal with their emotions?
"
"Even when people don't mean it I take it as criticism "
this is called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, often found in ADHD because they were constantly corrected or disciplined massively while growing up.
CBT - this is why I dislike it. It sets us up to rigid mindset. Any rigid thinking is unhealthy.
For example - CBT will tell us that we must not lash out. That we must listen to music, or take a walk...
So what happens when a stranger kidnaps a baby right in front of our eyes? Should we be calm and turn our focus away because lashing out and making noise is bad?
What happens in extreme situations when someone is being stabbed in the street and uncapable of yelling for help? We must not lash out?
What happens in workplace when we are being abused and when toxic person is making false accusations and lies and puts impossible standards and present us as lazy or incompetent to others? We should ignore it? Or enter into endless assertiveness where we end up suspicious because we are defending ourselves.
Life is to complex. CBT is made to keep us lobotomized and stuck in one sided solutions which do not work in real life situations.
I ended up with severe people pleasing and being passive after 20 years of CBT explanations about social anxiety.
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Toxic people will feel repelled by healthy person. They will label them as boring, nerd, sissy, feminine, unmanly, not strong. They will put all those quick labels which they internalized for themselves and which they see in other people in the same time due to suppression and denial of own flaws and imperfections - they will see it in others.
Plus
Toxic people hate truth, they hate honesty, they hate authentic people and authenticity - and this is the biggest repellent for and from the monsters.
When we have trauma, we tend to keep low, keep silent and we self censor ourselves and we try not to make drama or warn someone when they cross boundaries- This way we become prime target for psychopaths and narcissists of all sorts.
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YT "Liberate Yourself from Toxic Relationship
"
This "Leave toxic person- we are not in shackles" is true only for superficial relationships - like for example when we start dating with someone and stay with toxic person even though red flags are everywhere - but we have a home to return or another place to escape and start dating with new romantic interest.
What I learned is that the trauma makes us stuck - especially when we have no education about trauma, we can't recognize trauma and when we have no education about toxic shame, what it is and we lack information about Self and Quiet BPD - so we end up believing that having a romantic interest will heal us - which is basically borderline mindset doomed to catastrophe of codependency.
The complex part is when we are invested into relationship -
when we have social anxiety and are afraid of life- going out there, experimenting. Complex Part is when we do not have money to move on. When we live in Shame Culture country where everyday interaction with general population is being intrusive and filled with put downs and invalidating our emotions. Complex Part is when we have no security or shelter to move on to - and we are doomed to stay stuck in codependency. Or having children or third party like elders that we cannot leave and run away from due to obligations and moral and ethical issues to take care of them. Or complex part of living in a poor country from which we cannot fled from due to bureaucracy - so we stay stuck at toxic job and in toxic home - because we lack papers to leave.
This is why CBT idea of exposure will never work for anyone struggling with anxiety issues. With exposure - we will end up repeating the learned wrong beliefs and detrimental coping mechanisms - and end up with stuck with toxic people.
Like Tim Fletcher said in his video:
If a person with complex trauma is living out of their survival toolkit and you give them all those new tools, they're going to try to use them – but they're going to go back to the survival tools. And they're not going to have healthy relationships. And so complex trauma prevents healthy adult relationship. Doesn't make them impossible because you can heal all those wounds. Before you can use healthy tools, you have to heal the shame first and the wounds.
🟥 TimFletcher
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"Being careful with first signs of ppl who are mining, I leave. No thank you!"
I have huge problem with this.
First - the problem is that I do not recognize it as mining. I see it as my fault. That I am to blame. That I am causing them to be in distress and that this is my responsibility to fix them and their emotions. And I do this automatically without being aware that I carry someone else's shame and that I have the urge to put myself down.
Second - once I learned about trauma and abuse and narcs - I also learned about narcissists discarding. So when I try to sever connections with toxic people - then my inner critic get activated and I am flooded with guilt again, with shame and toxic empathy - where I feel once again being responsible for making sure that other people are not thinking badly about me, that I am evil for example. And also I try not to be narcissistic and discard people. Even though the other person is clearly abusive and anti-social.
I cannot break free from the toxic shame, it is so binding.
Thirdly - once I do break contact and stay isolated - toxic people keep on living rent free in my head. I dream of past situations when they abused me and when I tried to people please their anger away from.
I have huge stuck up issues with toxic shame - and I know I am not the only one.
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"Is it possible to really go crazy from chronic non stop stress from work psych burnout"
Yes. It is.
Not only psychologically but also physical breakdown is byproduct of toxic stress.
It is said that stress is toxic because of our reactions - not because of toxic people and not because of toxic actions from them.
It is our destroyed Self that is causing toxic stress - toxic shame inside us. Belief that we are responsible to fix other people. Belief that we must be good and never allow other people to see us being mistaken, humiliated or being wrong. That part is toxic. This narrative belief, programming, conviction about being bad person that must not be bad and we must do everything to prove our innocence all the time.
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YT "No More Mr. Nice Guy Audiobook || Say Good Bye To Rejection || Dr. Robert Glover || Audiobook shelf
"
Being nice guy is blaming and stigmatizing.
In reality - being nice is borderline issue. Self help will not help with this - borderline is serious psychological condition.
Borderline is by-product of being exposed to abuse while growing up. It is internalized toxic shame and inability to develop Self and self worth.
So self help idea that we are abnormal and "nice" only adds up to already existing toxic shame.
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(28.12.2023)
I see censorship as mental illness and as a narcissistic tool.
Any kind of intolerance of new information is narcissism.
Inability to hear the truth and inability to hear information which collides with narcissistic fantasy and explanations.
Healthy person would not be affected by critique.
Healthy person would listen and try to understand the critique. They would not absorb it and feel slighted by it - since healthy person knows who he is inside and it's own worth does not depend on stranger's opinion.
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I see trauma as inability to switch off intrusive thoughts.
Unfortunately videos and resources about Pure OCD (intrusive worry issue) are misleading - they are all based on CBT which is detrimental and creates more damage.
CBT does not explain the self worth and people who are traumatized by shocking event (PTSD) or events (Complex PTSD) - were already in dysfunctional homes to begin with - exposed to discipline and constant criticism and put downs and their self worth was destroyed.
IT is like growing up without immunity system.
Then when illness or virus struck later on - there is no immunity against the toxic stress - and then trauma happens.
It is said that stress itself does not cause the illness - but it is our thoughts and our explanations that are creating toxic stress.
With ACoA and ACE (childhood abuse such as being exposed to relentless criticism) leads to internalized toxic shame - and this toxic shame inside us is that is motorizing trauma -
we simply end up believing we are abnormal, sick and unworthy before trauma and shock happens. Trauma then only snowballs into intrusive worry - since there is no inner mechanism that would prevent the avalanche.
CBT does not explain this.
Self help also does not explain it at all.
Both CBT and self help industry keeps the abuse ongoing - criticism, self hatred (that we hate ourselves for having intrusive thoughts and anxiety) and that we equate abuse that happened as our own fault for not having disciplined mind.
ACoA and ACE are operant conditioning - we were programmed to develop toxic shame.
The cure for this is self love and self compassion, IFS Model.
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"Some relationships are irrepairable" + "easier to work with somatic exercises"
I totally agree - however there is Catch 22 herE:
1) In many situations we are trapped in toxic contact (relationships). For example toxic job which we cannot quit due to finances. Being in toxic marriage which we cannot quit due to finances shelter or third party like kids or elders. So we are TRAPPED inside toxic relationships. That is real life.
That is why people seek therapy and solutions - they are inside toxic ambient and they are TRAPPED inside it without means of escape. In 3 years of posting my comments on social media - I discovered that 80 percent of people do not understand this. Most of people cannot understand how can someone be trapped in toxic job or toxic family without means of escape. But it happens. Oppression is real. Abuse is real.
2) When we get into CBT idea that our brain is abnormal for being abused - we will develop mentally ill idea due to CBT that we are abnormal to the core - and that we must fix ourselves.
This is extremely dangerous ideology, spread by CBT and self help industry.
In reality - there is nothing fundamentally wrong with our brain. We are not choosing to be abused. Coercive control means being exposed to people who are pathological liars and abusers - they are choosing to hurt and harm other person due to their personality disorder.
With CBT we end up internalizing their personality disorder - since we believe we are somehow causing insane people to be abusive. This happens with CBT ideology that we constantly fix and upgrade ourselves.
This ideology of self hatred and self rejection ends up as mental illness - narcissism - where a person is forced to build a fake image, a fake persona, a fake mask. That is mental illness. To pretend to be someone we are not in order to adjust ourselves to toxic society.
What happens next is that we become motorless boat in ocean - that is pushed around at whim of toxic overlord and gods who are our masters now. We end up being codependent and constantly in reactive state where our happiness depends on our boundaries and protection against toxic people.
Without realizing it - toxic people control us even though from our point of view we appear as sovereign and independent- but in reality abusers live rent free in our mind.
Correct approach is intrinsic locus of control - where our decisions in life are focused on our own well being and desires and urges - not on permission of toxic people or whether we will meet toxic person if we go somewhere and then change plans in order to accommodate avoiding toxic people.
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Idea that we must improve ourselves will paradoxically end up with trauma, hypervigilance and pureOCD (intrusive worry).
That is why CBT and self help industry ought to be banned - since they do not help with RSD or anxiety or any kind of mental issue. Due to basic faulty message - that we are broken and abnormal for being abused and disrespected - and that we must adjust ourselves to toxic society. That we will never happen. We will end up being depended and codependent on toxic people - we will swing as the toxic people hurt us. We will create and mold our life around reacting to toxic people all the time.
That is toxic shame - core belief that there is something abnormal inside us because we experience pain and hurt when someone is toxic.
Nope.
Toxic people are the sole problem.
If we are not anti-social monsters - there is really nothing fundamentally wrong inside us that requires fixing or upgrading.
When we love ourselves and respect ourselves - we will naturally be inclined to upgrade and fix ourselves - we will do this out of love and self validation.
Not based on fear and panic about toxic people around us and hence basic faulty belief that we are sick and abnormal and must be cured - not that kind of propeller or motor to have.
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YT "All our BEHAVIOURS COM FROM THIS"
I never heard of Negative Love Syndrome. I will make video about it in my psychology playlist - where I list unknown and banned psychological terms which we are not allowed to learn by mass media and they are hidden from us - we don't get vitamins and immunity needed due to ableist CBT.
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YT "Internal Family Systems (IFS) Explained
"
Once I learned about social anxiety being actually Complex Trauma - I moved on from CBT to study my parts that are anxious.
That lead me to discovery of IFS Model - btw anyone working with IFS Model are the most kindest people on this planet, they are angels.
So what I learned from IFS Model is something I could not learn from CBT nor from self help industry:
that the reason for toxic shame and amnesia and being stuck in deep self rejection - stems from traumatized parts inside us.
And this is the reason why helpful advice and tips - will not help. In stressful and triggering situations - mostly involved with being humiliated by toxic people - is that our brain will forget all the advice and tips and helpful explanations. Amnesia will occur.
The same one as people with Dissociative disorder struggle with - where there is black and white thinking, and only catastrophe is on the big screen inside our brain, inside our mind - we see only negative - fear and panic and toxic people and abusers.
IFS Model helps us to understand why this happens, why amnesia occurs. Why we forget helpful advice and we need to re-learn it again after triggering events that remind us of past trauma (like for example being exposed to screaming, yelling, drama, accusations, criticism which is unfair). Amnesia happens because our broken and traumatized parts get activated and they try to protect us by mechanisms which they learn and were punished into executing - such as self blame, self rejection, making ourselves small in order for abuser not to kick the dead dog and hoping the drama will stop if we make ourselves into obedient slaves to the abusers.
And this aim can only be done if we forget our Self, forget that we are Adult, forget that we have tools to handle toxic and mentally ill aggressive people as adults - by not looking them as gods but as extremely dangerous and sick people whom we do not need to be slave to.
Our traumatized parts will repeat the routine and conditioned responses - and IFS Model helps us to get unstuck - by having compassion for our parts that are trying to protect us with methods which are actually doing more damage - but our inner parts do not know better methods- and parts are placing us into amnesia state - where we are cut off from nutrition and resources to help us to deal with toxic stress and stressors.
It is like inner parts learned to seal off the dome whenever there is a fire - and now smoke cannot get out - because all doors and windows are shut down - and we smother in smoke. That is how unhealthy learned mechanisms to deal with fire backfire and make more damage than help - since parts managers protectors have no idea that there is a different way to handle fire other than sealing off from reality.
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(29.12.2023)
Trauma is hidden and many people have no idea that they experienced abuse - since it was with them since birth. Similar to a fish being born in water - have no idea that water exists since it is with fish all their lives. Due to confirmation bias, anchoring bias and self referential thinking it is impossible for the fish to become aware of water. Something that philosophers studied for 300 years - beginning with Kant and Descartes: that we are not aware of external, total reality.
We depend on toxic society to explain us what is trauma and what are definitions for life. Many of these definitions are wrong and even detrimental yet we believe them. Then we install without being aware of it - the inner critic that is providing us with wrong and false definitions which we buy into without doubting.
For example - if we read the only book about toxic shame in 1990s - we will get impression that the definition of trauma is being sexually abused, that our mother must measure our penis and laugh at its small size. That would be definition of trauma in the only book about internalized toxic shame before year 2000. Then with this definition - we will believe that exposure to constant criticism and hence verbal abuse is something normal and nothing to pay much attention to. Because we lack awareness to recognize the childhood trauma (ACE and ACoA).
The same applies to CBT - anyone with social anxiety will be flooded - even in internet age - with wrong and ableist CBT explanation about what is social anxiety and social anxiety disorder. CBT represents operant conditioning and triggers and flashbacks as hallucination and that toxic people do not exist and that toxic people cannot harm us - even though they are pathological liars and they cause Femicide and severe psychological harm. Long term exposure to narcissistic abuse causes brain injury - CBT claims we can control other people via our thoughts though ABC Model - which leads to schizophrenia and dissociation.
Today we have ACE test online - without login required, it is fast and we can check whether childhood trauma is present.
Although my own trauma was never extreme - my score was in the extreme (7 out of 10). If someone asked me, I would never score it 7, even though I struggle with social anxiety since 1990 and panic when in the presence of hysterical people.
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31.12.2023
"don't know how to talk"
In social anxiety, from the social anxiety perspective - we are talking about traumatized victims of abuse who were exposed to ACE and ACoA constant criticism and put downs which lead to inability to talk. There is a difference from someone being boring and someone who was severely traumatized.
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Socially competent people do not exist- they have a mask all the time. Nobody is a robot - people only pretend to be strong - and that is narcissism and psychopathy.
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"No, not all avoidants are covert narcissists."
This one is tough pill to swallow.
I see it like this:
avoidance is reaction to narc assault.
As such - it is initiation into the evil.
Once we experience and SEE the evil (I highlight the verb see -because we can "see" evil in the movies, we can "see" it on tele-novelas, read about it in the books and black pages of newspapers) - but in reality when we experience narcissism firsthand, we really see the evil.
This becomes the huge mental problem.
Classical CBT explains emotions and effect of other people that nobody can make us feel anything. That is true in normal, healthy, sane environment. This however is not true when we are children growing up in AcoA, ACe, with parent who is mentally ill undiagnosed, like Aspergers - then evil people can influence us. When we suffer long term exposure to narcissists - we experience trauma and get wounded.
Now - natural and instinct reaction to trauma and wounds is denial and dissociation. We don't process the pain - we naturally avoid it.
Empaths will start to self blame themselves for being exploited by predators. While impulsive borderlines will develop fight response.
That is the problem. Both reactions to trauma and assault is damaging. IF we direct blame onto ourselves or onto other people - it is both the case of initiation into the evil.
This dissociation part - is narcissism. Narcissists refuse reality. They build fake fantasy explanations about reality.
The correct path would be to experience the pain and remove ourselves from the toxic people and toxic ambient.
Yet - in real life - we won't neither have money to remove ourselves, nor we will have functional Self that is capable of emotional regulation.
So the very fact that someone is avoidant - socially anxious, sensitive to rejection (RSD) - is very high chance that we will develop some form of toxic narcissism - and this is the cause of our emotional and mental health problems that are chronic and they simply cannot go away.
Basically - part of ourselves get traumatized and they are locked in autism spectrum - with its own rules how to manage it -
and the problem is that we can never unlock the rules - because we refuse to accept reality -
that we were harassed by toxic people, that they affected us and infected us with evil of narcissism -
and that we need to rebuild our self- that will adapt to the future injury.
The only way we can rebuild ourselves - is to heal narcissism inside ourselves - which will be copy paste of autism spectrum.
And current CBT and self help industry are unable to explain this - and then we get stuck in the limbo - in avoidance personality.
Avoidance is simply a trial not to get any more narcissistic - we try to be good. We try to be people pleasers, we try to be silent, we try to blame ourselves as much as we can. We are basically reacting to the virus of narcissism that is inside us - that we get infected by toxic people - without asking for us.
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"Sometimes a person becomes avoidant when they have endured so much abuse and emotional volatility that they shut down. Is that narcissistic? Well color me a dark triad… this is the next fad and it is the means by which ALL men raised in trad roles who have been beaten into stoicism will now all be branded narcissistic"
You are absolutely correct. And I would add narcissism as reaction to narcissism is High Autism Spectrum. We heal injury and trauma by treating our injured parts inside us as if they are autistic, allowing them to be and helping them to integrate into society without changing them fundamentally or disciplining them or shaming them.
Any attempt to color and refuse reality is narcissism.
Avoidance is refusal of reality - we refuse to accept that the world is unsafe and unjust filled with injustice. This is the definition of autism spectrum, after trauma parts of ourselves are stuck in autism spectrum - which CBT will misdiagnose and mislabel, while stoicism will try to ashame it and force it onto action - that only ends up as autistic burnout, autistic shutdown and autistic meltdown. CBT is not explaining this because we are much more profitable when we have no idea what is happening and when we need to throw our money to pharma mafia who will gladly keep us under the veil of deceit and permanent misdiagnosis.
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By definition - refusal of reality and rejection of the world is narcissistic by definition.
Overt narcissist are loud and dangerous, violent.
However there are covert and wounded narcissists who are constant victims and they develop victimhood mentality persona (TIV).
What is more - with avoidance - we will feel insulted when we are equated to narcissists because with avoidance - we try hard not to harm others and we have no agenda to cause harm to other people. That part is not problem.
The problem part is Othering, Splitting, inability to hear criticism - these are parts inside us which were traumatized and they are narcissistic.
We cannot heal - if we do not process and heal those wounded parts inside us - and the first step is to admit that we are wounded and vulnerable and that we have parts inside us which are totally outside of our control - they are narcissistic.
We cannot control when we feel toxic shame when people are rude to us, when they reject us, when they yell and scream at us, when people refuse to help us when we need and ask for help.
That painful part of ourselves needs treatment - and that part is narcissistic - perhaps the better word would be High-Functioning autism.
This avoidant, wounded, traumatized part and parts inside us need treatment as autistic person would need one - in order to adapt to the world.
In modern age - autism is not perceived as sickness - it is now seen as something to learn and understand , and that it needs love and validation and cooperation and interaction - without discipline and without self blame and without toxic shaming ourselves.
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YT #"The Psychology of Trauma
"#
Dr Nicole Le Pera describes trauma in great amazing detail. However her explanations how to handle trauma leads to borderline issues - she wants to fight it, to build walls, to react to toxic people, that we build narc image of superiority and then attack "bad" people and basically devote our energy to toxic people in attempt of Othering and Splitting.
In reality - handling trauma means adapting to toxic people without harming them, without thinking about them, but to learn from them and shifting our focus to our goals, instead of making our goals in life to protect ourselves and keeping plastic bubble around us as if we are not allowed to get hurt again.
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