In social situation or some busy settings that requires making a quick decision - a fear appears as rumination thoughts that are strong and convincing, that we do not question it and we go along with that. It would help to know how to straigten out confusion and act in healthy way, not in responsive, panic and anxiety way.It is like the game of Solitaire - the circumstances are keep changing and I need to adapt very quickly to the input. I choose fawning, in order not to rock the boat while in my free time with plenty of time I would find out the healthiest decision thanks to cortex instead of lizard brain. This tells me to be authentic, not to hide my faults and errors. Bullies, toxic people and idiots try to socialize by pinpointing mistakes and mocking. They use toxic shame to control others and to make themselves feel important. Admit - I do not know something.
One quick tip with dealing with someone rude: Forgive.
Rumination, worrying - it just doesn't worth to spend energy. Toxic people want attention and to think about them, that is the purpose of their aggression. Forgive does not mean to ignore as a way to shut up - i can alarm and alert person. Neither to prevent me from going away.
Quick fix for panic, social anxiety, avoidance and procrastination, cowardliness and inferiority would be: do it as long as you are not criticized. Risk it. The most of the time other people are not evil, they are schlemiels.
The quick fix to social anxiety would be - can I come to the place of self awareness to trust person who appears aggressive but they are not really? Overcome learned trauma fear and trust them - this ease up my pressures and expectations and hyper alertness that hinders normal social interactions.
The quick fix would be: People will over-react if my words are taken as criticism, a personal criticism. If I formulate my words in general, they will not get hysterical. If I made mistake, the receiver (especially childlike hysterics) need validation and my admitting of mistake, they want to hear it. The more humble I say it, the more they will be satisfied and calm down. My fear would do the opposite and thus irritate such mentally ill people even more.
So quick fix for social anxiety and external referencing and trauma bond would be to be aware of social anxiety as this floating space state and realize it is up to me to find my foothold/stronghold in any ambiguity - instead of searching for stronghold and foothold in the other people, their approval, opinions, reactions.
in interaction with people, I get my ideas tested, my experience - and if they are willing to talk, I can come up with new ideas simply by talking with people, talking leads to new ideas. This can be quick fix for social anxiety - I can enjoy talking with people because they have puzzle inside that I need and they are like filter, they make me see my concepts from totally different angle that I myself am unable to see, and thus I can test my idea to see if it is true by looking if it fits in their perspective.
Do it. It is only hard in the first moment. Seconds later it will become easier.
Out of sight, out of mind. Block - not to see it, not to be in contact if not needed. Similar to PureOCD techniques in shifting rumination to my goals, tasks.
Know about biases and fallacies, thinking traps - not jump to quick conclusions, to quick decisions. Just stay and be open for alternatives other than my fear
We never know what will happen next.
I tend to procrastinate and make small tasks - stop it, do, be active, face the fear.
Fawning makes me people please - the opposite would be - say No. Without any explanations in addition.
Fear is irrational, it is paradox. Paradoxes can only be stopped by putting limitations - even if they are wrong. Social anxiety or any unsolvable mind problem requires the same solution. Which is hard because fear of mistakes is part of the problem.
Reality is boring and long-winding.
frames - to resolve sandra bullock dilemma floating in the space. Knowing what to do, to say, how to act, how to react, how to appear, what to wear - kurt lewin - studying first and carry it out in reality. collect all data.
Love your enemies - give them chance - minimize reactivity and be open minded, not judging a book by its cover. Remove resentments to handle neutral people better.
I should know quick solution when someone is suddenly angry or hostile - keep off ad hominem and speak neutral truth, without personal attack and absolute demands, orders and commands, sprinkled with humor.
We are all forced to make decision and choices 24/7 based on little information, based on little knowledge, based on little experience, based on our biases and fallacies, and of course we will make mistake, it is natural it is objective to make mistake - especially if something is done for the first time or rarily or without feedback/instruction or mentoring. Yet those evil people magnify, distort and ashame basic, normal and functional human behaviour - making mistakes.
Criticism happens only when we make mistake, or if our momentary action cause distress in someone and they express their grievance to us. With this fact in our mind, we can force ourselves to go outside and be active as much as we can - since our fears will happen at particular given moment, not all the time, as it appears in our minds. In our mind it appears as people are judging us all the time and we will be judged all the time 24/7, which is unrealistic.
blurt it out, risk it to appear as idiot. With toxic shame I try to hide me being inferior and worthless - but this hiding paradoxically makes me appear as too important and superior because i can't tolerate being wrong, stupid, incorrect - human.
social anxiety advice how to act is wrong approach - it generates more panic. the right approach is the general direction, the right mold that allows functioning without being paralyzed by fears and panic and rumination.
having on purpose mentality to accept mistakes and be willing to make mistakes deliberately
I avoid conflict and confrontation because I think others feel social anxiety, too. I project my values onto others, believing others are trying their best, that they are good and that they don't enjoy exploiting others and harming others. So I defend themselves from myself by not speaking the truth or blocking them or defending myself.
Cycle of abuse - there is honeymoon phase. Social anxiety and amygdala makes us think only of bad moments that in percentage is much lower than happy and neutral moments. It is like movie montage, only the highlights are being shown, while tolerating and breathable segments are cut out, so social situations and people seems too scary to even try and engage with again.
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PART II
Other people do not hate me. Remind myself: It is in my imagination, delusion.
Social anxiety is related to fear of conflict and inability to quick defense, it is dysfunctional reaction to potential confrontation. "Learn to manage and resolve the conflict quickly and successfully" - I don't need to learn it, I simply have to start voicing images and texts that appear in my mind that I self-censor, start talking them out, with time it comes naturally and with repetition I become expert = social anxiety relief
Conflict will only rise due to others noticing my mistakes, shortcomings and errors by pinpointing, nagging, complaining and mocking them. Therefore being ok with being "dumb", "stupid" and "un-important" (as Law of Jante guides anyway) = social anxiety relief.
External referencing makes me to idolize other people. To fight it - instead of automatic worship, notice other people's mistakes, shortcomings and errors. Speak them out repeatedly if they make contact with me through accusations.
I can use humor instead antagonism when I communicate the elephant in the room.
Mutism make me shut up and self-censor myself, I must express my opinion, the truth - no matter how other person reacts to it.
I mute myself because I believe other people hate me. I avoid conflict to avoid pain from them becoming aggressive.
Social anxiety is mentally destructive not through feeling actual physical symptoms, as panic attack - but through inaction (isolation, withdrawal, stagnation, mutism) and rumination before and afterwards.
Inaction can be battled with knowing exactly what to do when I get mocked, attacked and embarrassed. It is about instruction and steps to take, my objective interpretation of yin yang instead of antagonism, knowing Polyvagal theory, introjection and external factor (unkind people are unworthy). Auto pilot is harmful, because the default mode is damaged.
Rumination is the opposite - instruction and steps how to deal with PureOCD lead to paralysis. Instead it is about accepting myself as dumb, stupid, accepting mistakes and appearing as idiot by expressing myself.
Other people cannot handle truth. It is cognitive dissonance, they will hate the truth being spoken, not me as person, by default. I interpret this as they hate me through toxic shame.
I see the truth because I see everything from more than on dimension, this makes me nuisance to people who only see one dimension. I wrongly interpret this annoyance and irritation as people hating me as person by default. I am aware there is no absolute truth, which makes me even more confident and this confidence in being wrong also irritates other.
I have intensive thinking process that calculates all information and it process already present knowledge. My thinking tries to catch up with it and imitate it by deliberately overthinking. This is unnecessary, I simply stop overthink and let my flashes, images and voices guide me, I listen to them, obey them instead of people.
Self-blame and guilt is huge motive to fall into anxiety, inability to move, mutism. I am not aware I blame myself and feel guilty - instead I rationalize, shoulds, rules, obligations how I am suppose to act.
Embarrassment stems from hallucination - I think the problem is person who criticize, while they only mirror what I believe is inside me - that I am inept, stupid, idiot, wrong. This perception inside is illusion.
Other people hold puzzle inside, communication with other people (both listening and asking questions) brings new discoveries that I would not find on my own. Instead of phobic object, looking at communication as hidden treasure.
Rude people as fear object seem irrational because it is a very rare event. Most of them feel entitled and exploit etiquette - warning them against their transgressions causes the conflict. Intelligent and courageous people stir this up, the injustice and exploitation of psychopaths.
Describing someones transgressions such as deliberate attacks on others is not evil reaction. People with social anxiety were programmed in their childhood that this is evil, if they warn the evil person, if they object to evil person being evil.
Intrusive worry, people pleasing, being pushover - is addiction due to chemicals inside body, hormones act like drug
Social anxiety is a part of brain injury caused by trauma of being exposed to narcissistic abuse. Brain injury will default thinking process to intrusive worry and pessimism. Solution is taking action based on common sense and logic, shifting focus on task and being optimist on force, since the brain is unable to get unstuck by itself.
Münchhausen trilemma - trauma and anxiety makes us shut up, self-censor because we believe others are correct (especially if they throw temper tantrum), but there is no absolute truth. Our opinion does matter and it is important, no matter how unpopular to some people or how much it is exposed to what other people think and their criticism.
Mind-body dualism: similar to brain injury due to trauma, the body will default to inactivity and pleasure and safety even in its extreme, self sabotage. Body on auto pilot is prone to lethargy (a lack of energy and enthusiasm-a pathological state of sleepiness or deep unresponsiveness and inactivity). This is why our mind (as soul) over brain as body is important to guide it, be active on force, be optimistic on force, even when our body doesn't feel like it.
Solution to social anxiety is being able to withstand criticism, stand my ground, speak my mind and do my task without hiding or being focused on hiding from the imaginary or real critic, being able to move on, without being stuck in intrusive worry
Some rude and pushy people only want to ashame me - they see me as threat but treat me as garbage, they are not aware I do not see myself as god, better than them. They somehow interpret my honesty as pushing superiority and want me to admit that I am not superior. I can explain I am not god, I am aware I am fool, and that nothing makes them better.
Some rude people react to past abuse and see me as abuser if I am in good mood, happy. I can warn them without drama, explosion.
I freeze when threatened, criticized, attacked - real or imagined. To get unstuck: I have to stoop on their level. Otherwise I see perceive them as gods, superior, correct and entitled and I must serve them and take their abuse. I am allowed to leave if they do not take heed.
Some rude people are not eloquent. Inferiority complex make me see them they are eloquent and soak their every word as order without questioning the validity, clarity or misunderstanding or blind spots. Solution is to ask more, ask obvious questions. Ask about elephant in the room.
Dysregulation, amygdala hijacking, body producing chemical drugs - all appear as flashback image. Chemicals and hormones due to reaction to fear appear as pessimism, catastrophe, images of potential danger, possible judgements.
Other people inspire me during conversation to get new ideas, because they offer different angle, different point of view. This different viewpoint is the opposite from toxic criticism that is the cause of social anxiety.
Mental illness is not being quiet in social situation. It is the immobility, self-censorship and mutism. It is not being able to defend myself when accused for something unfair or false as a reaction to other people hysteria - that silence creates moral injury.
We soak up much more information than most of people, which irritates them.
Socially anxious people lack information when to react- they think they should shut up always, in order to be better, smarter. Or to another extreme - trying to please or fix others.
Saying yes as a way of duty is result of conditioned trauma. Also fawning can be expressed in behaviour - I negate my rights in order to make other people - strangers even - their life to be a pleasant experience at the expense of my rights, at the expense my space and giving up on my part that belongs to me.
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PART III
Fear of Conflict: -
When I share and speak my feelings, my opinion will not get people mad. I am afraid I annoy them by being me so I shut up.
People only get angry when they are being made wrong, proven wrong.
Relationship - I have false definition of friendship and care. I think if someone is listening to me that they are friendly. Some people listen only to get information and exploit it later. Start to doubt everyone and everything instead of automatic trust.
Relationship - Put others first, being strict to myself.
All- suppressing negative emotions, serving toxic people, shutting up to evil and trying to be super nice, to fit to social constructs, trying to appear and be perfect, nice, good and friendly paradoxically turns me into passive subordinate unable to live. I think I am doing myself favor and it seems like I am on good path but I am disabling myself from action, walking and exiting out of cave. By trying to be perfect, I inadvertently become NPC Wojak, philosophical zombie.
Conflict and confrontation cause being stuck in intrusive worry due to: hormones, chemicals, brain injury and social constructs of being nice which prevents action, and standing up for myself and expressing anger and discontent.
Devil on the shoulder - appears as angel, rules, obligations, social construct and influences the level and depth of embarrassment that prevents action, talking, voicing out the elephant in the room. I am not aware it appears when I am triggered. It can also appear in form of fatigue, something being difficult, being embarrassed.
I can remove resentment and still do things or speak things that other people may interpret as resentful and bitter - and still do them no matter what since they are not coming from resentful and bitter place as they appear at first.
I define normal or neutral things as bad, that is social anxiety.
I perceive criticism as the external non-negotiable order and description of ultimate truth - so I can realize that I can criticize back, use the relative truth and thus criticism as a weapon.
I don't believe myself that I am able survive on my own. So I fawn, shut up and go with the external flow.
Express your disappointment. Let her know. It doesn't mean being jerk about it. "It makes me feel disappointed to hear that but I understand, make it up to me, can I ask why, is everything ok."
It is guilt, imposed and implanted - created to hypnotize and control the target. Intrusive worry, pure ocd is this irrational guilt - feeling guilt and feeling guilty for nothing, having done nothing.
I don't allow myself to make hypothesis even that other person may be BPD, narcissists, manipulator. This does not occur to me, it is always - automatically - I am guilty, it is my fault, I am wrong, immediately without ever thinking about it much less doubting the other people words.
Sometimes I interpret danger when there is none, it appears real to me and I avoid, run away or fawn, use immature ego defense mechanisms and cognitive distortions to make sense of it.
When I get triggered (flashbacks, devil on shoulder) I will not be aware I am triggered, that I had flashbacks from bad experiences in the past, that I have urge to think catastrophe. And I will get stuck - thinking this annoyance is disaster that will last forever.
We have been instructed and programmed by toxic environment that being genuine and authentic is hurt. So we end up with feeling irrational guilt - we do not see it: this guilt tripping and toxic shaming, labeling is a tool to control us.
How I react to trigger is where social anxiety comes on surface: anything I do is wrong: talk leads to yelling at bully - being hysterical, while shutting up (not to rock the boat) leads to fawning and moral injury (seeing abuse / crime and do nothing). And I get stuck - worry loop how I am observed, what others think of me as ultimate fear, judgement in the universe.
Basic social anxiety fear is loss of security, shelter, money, support, service, help, important information - abandonment is not. I avoid anyway. I will abandon others anyway, isolate and withdraw.
Drive to be perfect, not to make mistake, embarrassment when I do something wrong, mistake, when I do not know something, when I have no experience with something but I must do it anyway. I cover this up by engaging in social anxiety (fawn, avoidance, self-censorship, panic attack).
So I try to control people and event from catastrophe through social anxiety. I think that it will help to fawn, have hysteria, shutting up, worry loop. And I am not aware I am engaging in dysfunction, I do not know the alternative. I do not know how to react to triggers in better way than social anxiety.
Truth is I can't control people not events. If I am attacked, I will be attacked no matter what I do other than common sense protection and work I usually do. If bad things happen, they will happen no matter what I do other than common sense. To me, from my perspective, it seems as if my avoidance, fawning, social anxiety and panic help to control events and people.
My posture about anxiety: Trying to relax on force and not allowing anxiety paradoxically strengthens the anxiety. It is because you fight it. What you fight, persists.
I would allow experts and scientists to guide me out of anxiety. Not my own learned mechanisms from childhood.
Guilt, subconscious, triggers and imprints will be strong and they will always be stronger than logic. This means, I will feel afraid no matter what I do, no matter what calming technique. The idea is to know in the new moments, to be aware and to make better decisions than before when I was not aware of body chemicals secretly running my life in direction of fawning, self-censorship and feeling guilt.
Urge to know better, to do better and to be better is part of anxiety, and it creates new anxieties.
Therefore I must learn not only about my disorders and thwarted thinking, I must also learn about narcissism in order to recognize techniques that manipulators use to exploit targets like me. For example Ad hominem - and to know how to react to this - by saying I am not subject, I am not important (Law of Jante helps here), or calmly state: I disagree with you, without drama and explosions.
The solution idea is to shift my actions, behaviour and thoughts by becoming aware I am stuck in worry, onto doing alternatively something productive, else, better. I will get stuck without being aware I am actually stuck in thinking worry loops, trying to solve the unsolvable problem(s).
Flashbulb image is that I am bothering others and that I am embarrassing - so I do nothing and I avoid - is social anxiety's direct manifestation. This controls and manages my life and my decisions, limiting me. This is heart of distortion.
I prejudge annoying people who are not violent, aggressive, unkind as dangerous. I over-react like allergy.
I learned to scapegoat, find the supposed source of evil and I believe that this focused blaming will help to heal and cure problem. It won't. This only leads to frustration and OCD. Ultimate cure is lie.
Uncomfortable feeling and unrecognized emotion in social settings is emergency – trauma response. I do not interpret it as amygdala hijacking, I think it through pessimism and catastrophe and never-ending misfortune, then I fawn to protect from pain - which manipulators parasite over.
I believe other people are feeling the same anxiety and fears as I do, so I feel sorry for them and then I fawn and shut up, I don't want to hurt them by speaking truth and being honest. It's because I make decision based on trauma response, not objective reality. This is connected to my thwarted belief what is the definition of being kind, good, nice and rude.
Become really comfortable of being disliked.
Goal is that I make it known when someone triggers me, that it's not okay and to let them know that I am upset, but not to react (fawn, fight, flight, freeze).
One default reaction is codependency, center located outside in other people. Shift it back to myself.
Be content to be thought stupid.
Tolerate people's dislike, distrusting me, misunderstanding me, me being too much to them.
build and reinforce Delayed gratification - I do not need comfort right now
if I always by default make it easy for people to be around me, even when they are rude, from now on piss them off
upset people benefit from me not having boundaries. if they get mad it is proof I need boundaries - it is not that they are correct (as it appears to me from anxiety point)
people will resent being told or shown they are incompetent. If they are mad because of other things, it mean they fake their own anger and aggression in order to control others, and this is why they dislike transparency
no matter what I do, people will criticize me, so I cannot preemptively do the correct thing, it will always be wrong
you can care about other people without caring what they think
preparing for the worst is coping strategy
Don't believe everything you think
When I judge others, in the same time I judge and impose impossible standards on myself.
If something bothers me, let them know. I don't have to be cruel or personal. Without drama, explosions and hysteria. Especially when others talk to me first, when they open communication channel.
Always avoiding conflict, avoiding embarrassment, being correct and shutting up never allowed me to see what will happen if I do make fool out of myself.
I can observe my own critic as peer review instead of labeling it as criticism, thus I can perceive other people's criticism as non-aggressive opinion that may be untrue.
Wrong (unintentionally) advice and information is detrimental as much as the fake one, it can lead astray and to a dead-end, dig you deeper, make you stuck in labyrinth. It can appear as good one, friendly one, helpful one. External referencing makes wrong more solid since appears as ultimate and absolute non-doubtful truth.
Understand that seeking knowledge and information is positive and it is great to have will to progress - however if I devote too much time and energy in watching YT mentors and reading self help, I will never move, be active and do. I will get stuck. So it is ok to make mistakes and not be perfect. Mistakes are natural, no one is god and no one can do anything perfectly.
From social anxiety I observe defense as embarrassment and my blame and automatic guilt.
Trauma makes me over-react: being afraid, panic symptoms, run away, shut up, block from action, doing more.
toxic shame is internalized toxic shame, however
toxic shaming - is not hallucination, it is real
trauma trigger may be hallucination. I may misinterpret the threat as dangerous.
Reaction, response to trigger is real, even when I over-react to something that is not objectively threatening to me.
Therefore I must become Sherlock Holmes and examine the evidence. Be scientist and look objectively what is going on. Be transparent and seek the evidence and experiment how it behaves and reacts to define the narcissistic abuse from ego-centrism and someone who's having poor communication skills.
What society, other people told us is panic attack - for HSP it is deep process stimuli, processing sensations that appear like panic attack. I can choose to view it in neutral.
kind vs nice and good vs rude
nice & good: will see everyone as friends, unable to filter out manipulators
kind: will reject, block, warn alarm
rude: fight response, short fuse, hysterical
With social anxiety I want to be nice in order to manage panic. I believe if I accept everyone, there will be less process stimuli which I scapegoat as panic attacks - inadvertently I create more anxiety and stimuli since I never yell rude people to stop, or walk away (warn, alarm or block them) from them when they don't
npc wojak - philosophical zombie,
I am convinced by being nice and going along with imposed rules and being silent and obedient that I will be rewarded and acknowledged and approved and validated. And that I will make other people's lives pleasant and without stress. In reality, by not being me - I become nothing and everyone ignores me, except bullies who see me as easy target to abuse.
Being me means that I ask, demand, that I react to abuse, that I am unreasonable, that I make mistakes and that I make take and partake in action with all my flaws and weirdness and anything that will be the reason to point fingers at me and others to criticize, laugh, mock me.
Being me means being frank, authentic, honest - especially when others open communication channel. This also means to speak out the elephant in the room and to repeat the truth, what happened. This means to pinpoint other people's mistakes and flaws which affect me and which interpolate my interests.
With social anxiety, (ie trauma bonding, toxic shame and external reference locus of control), I believe other people's comments and words are ultimate truth and that I must shut up and self-censor and not answer back to their comments, conclusions and pontification. I can remain to disagree and express and define my part, my side of story. The normal and healthy person would listen to me and correct themselves.
When I put something in focus - I make it bigger, I pathologize it, and I create problem out of nothing.
Same as psychology - if they analyze anyone they will find distortions if they look through microscope and great deep analysis. Thus focus distorts reality. Wrong focus means being stuck in labyrinth without exit.
Purpose of psychology is that I become my own advise giver - that I stop seeking instructions. I can only fill myself with external and internal knowledge. In the end, decision is mine
delayed gratification - that I am patient and wait
my opinions - are the only thing I can control. This means, I can choose to make recipe how to act, react, talk and what to do. It is up to me, without waiting for external approval and validation and being scared what will someone say about it.
triggers - I try to control my opinion by fawning when triggered by rudeness and abuse and hurt.
I think I am guilty and I think that my actions cause abuse. So I avoid and do nothing - based on this wrong conviction. Guilt controls me, guilt is virus, hypnosis here.
Sometimes these triggers - rudeness and abuse are imaginary but appear as very real to me. I can stop these immediately if I filter out the imaginary danger our of equation. I can test and observe and examine what I am dealing with here and assume innocence before employing defense system or attack.
Sometimes these trigger are full blown abuse but my fears convince me to be hypo aroused and do nothing. I can voice out the elephant in the room, stick to my no and debate, or speak out that I disagree, block or move on, be gray rock. In this case I must examine is this is narcissists - you cannot argue with narcissist, it is useless, and they feed on emotions and reactions.
so i shut up. While
it is the other person that is the cause of distortion.
Therefore with no absolute truth - there will be no winners. With external reference and toxic shame I make other people into moderators and I listen to them. What I can to - is to speak out or cut communication if they insist on not listening to me. Them attacking my inner voice is the most tragic thing here - that I shut up, or leave by believing I do not matter. While the truth is that this person is probably mentally ill or dangerous psychopath. Not worth of my time or thoughts.
free advice by unsolicited help and very expensive advice - will be different
This means, how do I know it is worthy? Being pragmatic and practical - if I do not see a minimum of change to better, it is a bad advice.
Paradox is if you expose yourself to analysis - it will seem everything is wrong with you- while in the same time others do not have those problems at all. Truth is that they have it - but they cover it and hide it well. And they will hardly admit it, or be aware that they have their own parasitical virus bad trauma trigger sources.
it seems that our social anxiety symptoms are exclusively ours, and that the others are (super) confident and they don't have them. That is lie,
others worry - they express it through yelling and screaming which is socially acceptable.
Others have intrusive thought - they express it through nagging and complaining - accepted in narcissistic society as the sign of strength, macho, alpha, virility, bully is ok
Therefore once I step out of socially anxious fears and start to react to narcissistic society that they are wrong - I will be creating better world, where people will notice and pay attention how they treat each other, they will learn to become socially anxious if they love to choose and always prefer drama, hysteria and abuse. They are the ones for whom social anxiety will be healing tool to become normal human being who has empathy and communication skills.
My triggers flashbacks, imaginary audience - all is connected to I do not belong. I am stupid, I must go away, hide: these flashbacks appear as command with people I do not know or barely know -- and in job situation it is connected to I am not competent, I am fake - so I must be quiet, cover up mistakes and not asking for help and not admitting I don't know something, over-compensating by being hero
Instead of going along with triggers - I stay and do what common sense tells me to do. I go counter-intuitively to what my fears triggered in trauma order me to do - and instead I go along with common sense and objective reality. I have to work out, it is ok to be outside. No reason to hide. It is ok to make mistakes and not know something if I do it for the first time.
I imagine that my reaction will be cruel so I do not set boundaries, I shut up, I do not speak out the elephant in the room. Then I seek other's approval that I am cruel. This approval must come from me, from my inside, my own choice, my responsibility how I will deliver it, package it and filter it through my persona and outside circumstances.
I label my truth, voice out elephant in the room as cruel to them. This keeps me shut up, to self-censor myself. And I seek permission and approval that what I said is labelled as ok. This will never happen, people do not like truth and they suffer from cognitive dissonance. In the same way, I am sensitive to criticism because it is not based on truth - but I shut up because due to toxic shame and external locus, I believe everything from external as absolute non deniable truth.
HSPs evalue everything from multiple angles and dimensions, what I speak out and hold the truth has passed multiple passes of lab scientific evaluation and experiments - I have taken into account all sides, it is not ego-centric. Then I expect the same from others, and what others say seem to me as truth. Mostly it is their garbage and low IQ, but this acceptance turns into ultimate truth, toxic shame inside me and external locus - which will lead to seeking approval, people pleasing and fawning and narcissistic abuse.
So the difference between people who truly have social anxiety and narcissists who are ashamed for their toxic and abusive behaviour lies in identifying HSPs.
with empathy: I will pay extreme attention to not be cruel to extent it hurts myself and my interests
without empathy: care only about oneself. can be cruel and often is to others - which they interpret as being honest and strong and "not allowing others to abuse them"
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Narcissists are hard to discover. They spew accusations and anxiety and guilt. Without discovery and recognizing red flags, I get into emotional reaction - while I can block, ignore.
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(IV 03/2022)
People who appear super confident and angry and flamboyant scary - are extremely insecure and feel inferior inside.
If I feel panic and anxiety - I am mirroring environment, it does not belong to me. I dont allow myself to express myself thinking anxiety is me, coming from me and belongs to me - that is lie, it is not mine.
Having panic, inferiority complex, fears, toxic shame - means also there is potential for the opposite of all these. Either by over-compensating or realizing the hidden potential inside. With fears and ineptness I believe I am worthless - that is lie, hallucination. And I do not realize the fact that I feel inept means I am the exact opposite of anything negative.
1 percentage came true, other is fear fantasy in social anxiety anticipation
I can walk away, I am not obliged to take abuse. Evaluate and turn around, stop communication.
I believe I must accept unfair situations and deals
I will choose to not accept deals, contracts, tasks that are abusive. I will have power and choice to choose, I will not be forced into corruption, abuse and double bind insanity as I was in past with external reference mindset of shutting up
With social anxiety, fawning and external reference trauma bonding I believe I must provide some answer - even at my expense, even if I do not know something - I must come up with some answer that will please the aggressive person. I can say I do not know even if they are angry and demanding.
Threatened insecurity and inadequacies are sign of narcissistic wound. Therefore it is healthy to show vulnerabilities, admit mistakes and have humility - narcissistic society will instruct us to be monsters, toxic masculinity, to cover and live with toxic shame, wearing a mask.
Set the tone before any event, so that I do not react, be jumpy and irritated as I encounter irritating people
With criticizing I express my self worth and boundary. However I must show pity (Marcus Aurelius advice) because I know criticism can be perceived as a tool to destroy others mentally if unjust, unfair or misunderstood as aggression. Without criticism I signal my brain to have toxic shame, moral injury and I allow toxic people around me. With cruel criticism I create enemies, resentment, anger, antagonism.
"what kind of damage can they do"
"what are my rights here and what i am entitled"
Whenever there is any need and when I am down - when I need help - in those circumstances the toxic people will parasite over such conditions. So I need to be aware that whenever I am needy - there will be toxic people offering "help".
Play.
False self list - avoid. True Self- follow.
Avoid False self: unreal, artificial, impoverished, compliant, dead, meaningless, purposeless, disassociated, empty, stereotyped, repetative, compulsive, confined, rigid, separation, blame, hostility, resentment, pride, complain, jealousy, anger, power, materialism, madness, other's come first/self sacrifice, a need to control, fix or manage emotional states of others, conforms to group think, repress any needs to avoid painful feelings, driven by a need for validation or approval: fear of being disliked, denial, social intolerance, living up to the this and that, doing, me, unauthentic, plans and plods, fearful, witholding, envious, perfectionist, aggressive/passive, avoids play, pretends to be strong, distrusting, avoids nurture, controlling, self-righteous, public facade
Focus True Self: Inherited potential: real, spontaneous, creative, vital alive, meaningful, purposeful, attached, natural, expressive, involved, unity, understanding, friendliness, forfiveness, love, gratefulness, humble, spiritualism, wisdom, self care is priority (self trust), a practice of managing+regulating your own emotions, speaks truth without a need to convince others, freely expresses needs regardless of discomfort, driven by integrity; doesn't need to control other's neeed to control other's perceptions, sympathy, tolerance, altruism, social acceptance, simplicity, just be, self acceptance, we, authentic, genuine, expansive, giving, communicative, accepting of self and others, boundaried, powerful, secure, trusting, congruent self
That is only temporary.
(28.7.2022)
Crinkle crankle wall - allow periods of drought and being low and nothing happening
bad things will happen - i cannot do anything about it. I cannot prevent it
I try to prevent butterfly effect from expanding into horror outcome - with social anxietyand fawning
toxic people equate mistake with my character, there is no feedback, no useful information only guilt and shame to shut me up.
if there is anxiety - there is something that triggers is: clairvoyance, supernatural, ability to detect what others cant
social anxiety is little scared child inside me telling me to avoid danger, rude people and take care of me being scared - protect myself from harm, abuse, human trash, corruption and crime.
Psychological security - confidence will be when I feel at ease as if at home when outside and among people, when I do not waste energy thinking on incoming danger from others
People are hypocrites. They like polarization and opposite argument, they respect it, but they will refute it and appear as they do not like it. They like also to be correct, boost their ego to patronize and pontificate others - so polarization is either ego boost to someone who holds wrong data or hidden respect out of fear for someone who is correct.
(4.10.2022)
People who appear angry and that they hate me - they are simply aware of toxic people and this is their protective mechanism. It is not personal, they are protecting themselves from exploitation and manipulation.
(4.12.2022)
90 seconds rule - cut the amygdala hijacking, panic and triggers at the root by breaking copy-pasting old habits. Not engaging in drama if there is no true / real threat.
(25.3.2023)
Grand paradox - there is something good in bad and negative.
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