Easy CTRL F search by hashtags
#discipline and stoic
#arguing conflict disagree
#when overthinking is good
#when boundaries are bad
#denial
#self
#trauma
#inability to hear others
#why CBT stoic exposure doesn't work
Real liberation comes not from glossing over or repressing painful states of feeling, but only from experiencing them to the full.
Carl Jung
Liberation means you don't have to be silenced.
Toni Morrison
You can disagree with absolutely everything someone is saying, but you can still validate them.
James W. Williams
If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
Abraham Maslow
The goal of regulating emotions is not to make feelings go away...the aim is to help clients build their capacity to ride the waves of big emotions and sensations.
Dr Arielle Schwartz
Very slight changes in the initial conditions can produce large changes in the behaviour of the solutions.
Chaos Theory
Introducing Mathematics: A Graphic Guide
Book by Ziauddin Sardar
Personality is built up largely by acts of introjection: contents that were before experienced outside are taken inside.
Erich Neumann
What we call 'normal' is a product of repression, denial, splitting, projection, introjection and other forms of destructive action on experience.
R. D. Laing
Not everybody is cookie-cutter. You just can't be. There are too many variables in life.
— Sandra Bernhard
Tell me what you fear and I will tell you what has happened to you.
Donald Winnicott (developmental psychology)
People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.
Dale Carnegie
If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.
Herman Hesse
It is inhuman to be totally good as it is to be totally evil.
Anthony Burgess
#self
When your self-image is adequate and one that you can be wholesomely proud of, you feel self-confident. You feel free to "be yourself" and to express yourself. You function at your optimum.
Maxwell Maltz
#when overthinking is good
We are more likely to make the most of an opportunity if we have thought about or studied the issue beforehand.
"Chance Favors the Prepared Mind"
Louis Pasteur, 1854
1001 IDEAS, R. Arp
True change at the end of the day comes from the smallest things.
Tengu
#self
There is nothing outside of yourself that can ever enable you to get better, stronger, richer, quicker, or smarter. Everything is within. Everything exists. Seek nothing outside of yourself.
Miyamoto Musashi
It is difficult to understand the universe if you only study one planet.
Miyamoto Musashi
Vision without action is a daydream.
Action without vision is a nightmare.
Japanese proverb
#self
To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.
Joseph Chilton Pearce
When our friends excel us, that gives them a feeling of importance; but when we excel them, that gives them a feeling of inferiority and arouses envy and jelousy.
German proverb: "Die reinste Freude ist die Schafenfreude"
See other people as phenomena, they simply exist. Work with what they give you, instead of resisting and trying to change them.
ROBERT GREENE
All these years, I've been afraid of things that didn't exist.
I looked for enemies where I might have found friends.
I tried to escape a life that I might have been forgiven for.
film "Strange Cargo" (1940)
#discipline and stoic
Deficiency motivation doesn't work. It will lead to a life-long pursuit of try to fix me. Learn to appreciate what you have and where and who you are.
Wayne Dyer
#arguing conflict disagree
You can disagree with absolutely everything someone is saying, but you can still validate them.
James W. Williams
You're being raised in a home that's going to make you hyper vigilant. You'll notice what everyone else is thinking or feeling. You're going to be super sensitive to changes in people's moods or facial expressions, and you'll startle easily. - Where I am getting this from? - Well your father has a bad temper and he erupts out of nowhere. Sometimes when you're just playing or relaxing in your room, he just starts screaming at you. We (mother and father) fight a lot and don't really ask about how it's impacting you. Or we don't talk to you about the fights at all or why they happen. So your nervous system is developing on high alert and your amygdala, the part of your brain that senses threats and danger is overactive. Difficulty of relaxing or just playing. And when you're older you'll have the same difficulty in social situations. Often labeled as social anxiety disorder, this can actually be a symptom of C-PTSD. You'll feel awkward and worried you're saying or doing something wrong. Basically your internal threat system is off because you're being raised in an unsafe environment.
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER
What is agreeableness?
Agreeableness is a personality trait that describes a person's ability to put others needs before their own. Those who are more agreeable are more likely to be empathetic and find pleasure in helping others and working with people who need more help.
(thomas)
Agreeableness is considered counterweight to narcissism. Narcissism personality style is disagreeableness or antagonism. Agreeableness: empathic, warm, flexible, make accommodation for other people, follow the rules, highly ethical. Opposite of narcissism.
(Mel Robbins/Dr. Ramani "You're not crazy, you're just dealing with narcissist")
#self
"Finding yourself" is not really how it works.
You aren't a 10-dollar bill in last winter's coat pocket. You are also not lost.
Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people's opinions, and innacurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are.
"Finding yourself" is actually returning to yourself.
An unlearning, an excavation. A remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.
Emily McDowell
In 1952 the 1st edition of DSM had 100 pages. Text revision of 5th edition published in 2022 is 1100 pages. How do you explain this? We were complete idiots 60 years ago? Or something substantially wrong is going on.
YT Narcissist's Madness - Grannon Vaknin Seminar in Bucharest
Abuse is becoming comfort zone when you are in abusive relationship. Gradually you become habituated. It becomes comfortable. You develop comfort zone. You predict behaviour of abuser so you feel safe.
YT Narcissist's Madness - Grannon Vaknin Seminar in Bucharest
#when boundaries are bad
We don't burn people at the stake anymore. But we cancel them, destroy their reputation and livelihoods which is out of the playbook of narcissistic abuse. But now is done in the name of some morally righteous cause.
YT Spiritual Dimensions of Narcissism: Fear and Persecuting Others (Part 4)
Otto F. Kernberg suggested that narcissistic disorders of character are foundation of most mental health problems. If we understand disturbances in narcissism we would probably find a theory of everything
YT Richard Grannon & Prof. Sam Vaknin about Fantasy
The very act of seeing someone allow them to separate. Recognize you as external entity. If I don't see you, if I treat you as my extension, my internal object, my luggage - then I will not allow you to separate.
YT Richard Grannon & Prof. Sam Vaknin about Fantasy
Reality testing is ability to perceive reality properly. Without too much deviation from facts. Borderline refer to you if want to know anything about reality. “Do you think so too?” Narcissist will tell you "am I not genius".
YT Richard Grannon & Prof. Sam Vaknin about Fantasy
Other people provide countervailing information. Disagree with you, criticize you, mock you, put you down. Reality refuses to collude with fantasy. Reality does not comply, reality does not collaborate.
YT Richard Grannon & Prof. Sam Vaknin about Fantasy
The environment provides you with information/cues and these cues trigger your self states.
If you find yourself among criminals, you will have psychopathic state coming out that comes forward to protect me.
YT Richard Grannon & Prof. Sam Vaknin about Fantasy
Narcissist modifies internal object, partner inside his head. He can afford to lose only external person, moves to next person. This is almost psychotic. Narcissist lives completely inside his mind. Permanent.
YT Richard Grannon & Prof. Sam Vaknin about Fantasy
If you offer narcissist an advice you imply he is less than omniscient, all knowing. If you offer empathy you imply he is pitiful, you are challenging grandiosity. In borderline, you offer advice you broadcasting her “you're dysregulated”.
YT Richard Grannon & Prof. Sam Vaknin about Fantasy
After traumatic experience, the human system of self-preservation seems to go onto permanent alert, as if the danger might return at any moment.
Judith Lewis Herman
It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear and speak no evil.
Judith Lewis Herman
#self
Personality formed in an environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative.
Judith Lewis Herman
#denial
"Neutrality" actually serves the interests of the perpetrator.
Lundy Bancroft/Judith Lewis Herman
#trauma
The traumatized person is often relieved simply to learn the true name of her condition.
She discovers further that she is not crazy; the traumatic syndromes are normal human responses to extreme circumstances.
Judith Lewis Herman
The amount of mind chatter we have is directly proportional to the quantity of suppressed emotion. Release those emotions and the mind becomes quiet.
(clearthepath uk)
Positive thinking is really just another form of denial.
Colin Tipping
There is a major difference between one's True and reflected-self.
Sam Vaknin
#inability to hear others
Raging narcissists usually perceive their reaction to have been triggered by an intentional provocation with a hostile purpose.
Sam Vaknin
Narcissist Personality Disorder
One of the few conditions where the patient is left alone and everyone else is treated.
(PierceTheDarkness)
Reason can wrestle and overthrow terror.
Euripides
Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be Younger but they will never be you.
Be yourself and the right people will love you and you'll love yourself more too.
M. Scott Peck
Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs.
M. Scott Peck
#when boundaries are bad
The denial of suffering is, in fact a better definition of illness than its acceptance.
M. Scott Peck
All human interactions are opportunities either to learn or to teach.
M. Scott Peck
Sooner or later, if they are to be healed, they must learn that the entirety of one's adult life is a series of personal choices, decisions.
M. Scott Peck
The more honest one is,the easier is to continue being honest, just as the more lies one has told, the more necessary it is to lie again. By openness, people dedicated to the truth live in the open. Through exercise of their courage to live in the open, they become free from fear
M. Scott Peck
#why CBT stoic exposure doesn't work
Rubber band theory of personality - we all have our personality, rubber band sitting there, but we can stretch it. A bit. But in times of stress we go back to our baseline personality.
YT Mel Robbins/Dr. Ramani
“I'm dealing with these weaknesses”. That distorted image is going to keep you from shining. What a tragedy to go through life and never discover who you really are. Are you wearing labels that are limiting you?
JOEL OSTEEN
#self
“Dysfunctional” Who put those labels on you? Who told you that was who you are? Quit letting other people define you and go back to who God says you are. People will tell you you're not good enough, talented enough.
JOEL OSTEEN
You don't respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.
Lundy Bancroft
#why CBT stoic exposure doesn't work
Society attacks early, when the individual is helpless.
B. F. Skinner
Agreeableness refers to how people tend to treat relationships with others. Unlike extraversion which consists of the pursuit of relationships, agreeableness focuses on people’s orientation and interactions with others (Ackerman, 2017).
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.
#when boundaries are bad
We naturally assume that what we see is the outside world. But we don't. We "see" a selective and organized mental construct, a fact which psychologists can demonstrate to us rather easily with their apparatus of visual "tricks" and "puzzles".
Introducing Empiricism
Bill Mayblin
We have to ignore all the messages from the warriors that we are not as good as they are. The warriors have their bold style, which has its value. But we, too, have our style and our own important contribution to make.
The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron
Symptoms of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
(when criticism hurts)
- Being easily embarrassed
- Heightened fear of failure
- Unrealistically high expectations for self
- Assuming people don't like you
- Avoiding social settings
- Perfectionistic tendencies
What triggers RSD?
Everyone's RSD triggers are different, but they may include:
- being rejected or thinking you're being rejected, like not getting a response to a text message or email
- a sense of falling short or failing to meet your own high standards or others' expectations
- being criticized for something you can't control
“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth” — Pema Chödrön
The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new.
Pema Chödrön
hypocognition (uncountable) (psychology, linguistics) Inability to discuss or process a concept because of lacking a word for it.
Hypercognition - You rapidly catalog and collate all available data on a person, place, thing, or event, calling to mind scraps of memory and assembling clues in a logical and systematic order.
Hypercognition:
The bias toward what is known may lead to wrong or delayed diagnoses that bring harmful consequences.
Perhaps we can start to gain insights into these blind spots by adding the notion of hypocognition to our cognitive arsenal.
#discipline and stoic
And who are most likely to fall prey to hypercognition? Experts. Experts who are confined by their own expertise. Experts who overuse the constricted set of concepts salient in their own profession while neglecting a broader array of equally valid concepts
Social anxiety results from being around people who are resolutely opposed to who you are.
Stefan Molyneux
Covert narcissism (also known as vulnerable narcissism) is the more introverted side of NPD. A covert narcissist experiences the same insecurities as an overt narcissist, but internalizes their self-importance, often while hyper-focusing on their need for attention.
One does not become fully human painlessly.
Rollo May
It is an ironic habit of human beings to run faster when they have lost their way.
Rollo May
Anxiety is essential to the human condition. The confrontation with anxiety can relieve us from boredom, sharpen the sensitivity and assure the presence of tension that is necessary to preserve human existence.
Rollo May
Hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is.
ROLLO MAY (1909-1994)
We need to accept our "negative" feelings, rather than avoid or repress them. Suffering and sadness are natural and essential parts of life, and important-they lead to psychological growth.
ROLLO MAY (1909-1994)
DK THE PSYCHOLOGY BOOK
Narcissists should be held accountable for most of what they do because they can tell wrong from right AND they can refrain from taking the actions they do take. He simply doesn't care to do so. Others are not important enough to him.
"NPD Quotes", Sam Vaknin
#why CBT stoic exposure doesn't work
Narcissists install a mental filter in our heads a little bit at a time. "Will he get upset if I do/say/think this? Will he approve/disapprove? Will he feel hurt by this?' Until we can uninstall the narcissist-filter, our action are controlled by narcissists to some degree
Vaknin
How to cope with a narcissist? The short answer is by abandoning him.
Sam Vaknin
Entrainment
"We train ourselves over a period of years to be able to hear rhythms and anticipate combinations of sounds before they actually happen."
#why CBT stoic exposure doesn't work
Sam Vaknin: Verbal abuse entrains the brain. The abuser creates in your brain specific wave patterns.
#arguing conflict disagree
Raging narcissists usually perceive their reaction to have been triggered by an intentional provocation with a hostile purpose.
Sam Vaknin
And if you are dysregulated, your fantasy is at risk. So there is no winning strategy. These people are not built for relationship. They are deeply wedded and committed into their fantasies.
YT Richard Grannon & Prof. Sam Vaknin about Fantasy Lives of Narcissists and Borderlines
To not be seen as a child is to die. It becomes issue of survival. Bad object: when you are communicated as child, environmentally or embedded in culture mocked; you internalize belief you are unworthy, insufficient.
YT Richard Grannon & Prof. Sam Vaknin
Otto F. Kernberg suggested that narcissistic disorders of character are foundation of most mental health problems. If we understand disturbances in narcissism we would probably find a theory of everything
YT Richard Grannon & Prof. Sam Vaknin about Fantasy
In relationships now you have to have an argument in the first 3 months over what cheating is about 15 f* times and it's never resolved. Nobody has one set of rules. It's more complex, extremely stressful to humans.
YT Narcissist's Madness - Grannon Vaknin
#arguing conflict disagree
Other people provide countervailing information. Disagree with you, criticize you, mock you, put you down. Reality refuses to collude with fantasy. Reality does not comply, reality does not collaborate.
YT Richard Grannon & Prof. Sam Vaknin about Fantasy
#arguing conflict disagree
Narcissist regards his dysfunctional behaviours – social, sexual, emotional, mental – as conclusive and irrefutable proof of his superiority, brilliance, distinction, prowess, might, or success. Rudeness to others is reinterpreted as efficiency.
"NPD Quotes", Sam Vaknin
The psychopath (the Antisocial Personality Disorder) feels no remorse. The narcissist feels blame and guilt but then he instantly shifts them to others (MAINLY and OFTEN to his victim)."
"NPD Quotes" Sam Vaknin
“I have to earn my happiness”. I don't deserve happiness, I have to work hard for it. I have to justify it. That happiness is my due. Identifying happiness with tasks, with assignments, labor. Busier they are, happier they feel.
YT Sam Vaknin
Constructs would affect the behaviour of people pleasers to conform to the self-state. They do this by activating interjects and flooding the person with automatic thoughts. These affect behaviour, which affect reality &conforms to self state
YT Sam Vaknin
#arguing conflict disagree
Constructs are ways of organizing the world. Constructs imbue the world with sense and meaning, interpreting the world, explaining what is happening. Constructs falsify and re-frame memory,and suppress a lot of information that conflicts Self
YT Sam Vaknin
These automatic thoughts are at the core of people pleasing, parentified children. With this mindset this person would allow anything done, no boundaries. Because in her mind she has no right to say no, being bad object.
YT Sam Vaknin
Automatic thoughts: I must compromise. I need to compromise on my boundaries. So I need to give up on rights, demands, on expectations. Need to minimize myself to point of vanishing. To be a function. Being human is burden on other people.
YT Sam Vaknin
#discipline and stoic
Society highly values its normal man. It educates children to lose themselves and to become absurd, and thus to be normal.
R. D. Laing
We are all in a post-hypnotic trance induced in early infancy.
R.D. Laing
There are good reasons for being obedient, but being unable to be disobedient is not one of the best reasons.
R.D. Laing
Do not adjust your mind, the fault is in reality.
R. D. Laing
#why CBT stoic exposure doesn't work
The Martha Mitchell effect occurs when a medical professional labels a
patient's accurate perception of real events as delusional, resulting in
misdiagnosis.
(wiki)
You're not there to make someone feel better, but to make them better at feeling.
Gabor Maté
If you stop chasing the sticks, your brain will stop throwing them.
YT MARK FREEMAN
#when boundaries are bad
Judgment is the first compulsion. Judgments are meanings we attach to experiences. Your brain has a nuclear powered label maker inside of it. We are sticking labels on things and labels are wrong.
YT Mark Freeman
You're good at thinking - this is how you build rat wheel. You want to solve uncertainty. Brain gives you another uncertainty. Brain will increase in severity and complexity, that is unable to solve.
YT Mark Freeman
'If thinking could get you out of this cage, you'd already be free.'
Thinking got us into this mess. Brain may decide you had hard day. You can always think of a reason. Ignore reasons brain throws at you.
Commit to healthy actions.
YT Mark Freeman
You have to start by changing how you think about little uncertainties you think every day. Brain is very rational and logical - it spend more time and energy on uncertainties. It never occurred to me this is not the only way to think.
YT Mark Freeman
#denial
If you avoid anxiety, eventually everything makes you anxious.
Avoiding panic attacks does not lead to fewer panic attacks - it leads to more panic attacks.
YT Mark Freeman
It is not useful to react to stuff brain is throwing up. Certainty and control is chasing hive – less you feel in control. You need more to feel in control, lead more controlling and checking, bad downward spiral.
YT Mark Freeman
"If you really want to get rid of intrusive thoughts, stop trying to get rid of them. "
MARK FREEMAN
How to Deal With Intrusive Thoughts
Treat brain like toddler, that gets scared, like toddler it just reacts, doesn't know what to do, cannot control anything. It whines, complains about things, it is up to me to be adult, take care of brain, see bigger picture, to do things that are healthy to us.
YT Mark Freeman
Ironic process theory is a psychological phenomenon suggesting that when individuals intentionally try to avoid thinking a certain thought or feeling a certain emotion, a paradoxical effect is produced. Wikipedia
Dr James Davies (PhD), TWITTER:
DSM defined 'mental disorder' as a 'dysfunction in the person' - as if suffering stems from a faulty self. This of course is pure ideology, with no objective evidence to support it - an ideology erasing any notion that our suffering may have meaning or something vital to teach.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
Survivors don’t need anyone else telling them what the ‘should do’ or ‘have to do’ to heal. The last thing they need is someone else trying to control them again. Survivors need to know they are in control and that they are the experts in their experience and healing.
Q: Determinist notion “Man is machine” "Man is computer", “Man is product of its instincts"?
Frankl: Man is something like a rat in experiments, psychological experiments.
YT Viktor Frankl: Self-Actualization is not the goal
Condemn the deed not the doer.
Valis, Philip K. Dick
#arguing conflict disagree
Prof. Feynman, TWITTER:
One of the signs of intelligence is to be able to accept the facts without being offended.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
There are so many “positive” messages that are aimed to inspire and help survivors. But when you really listen to these messages, they often guilt or blame survivors for either how they responded to the abuse, or for how they are healing now.
Make sure the messages you share with survivors are honoring and respecting them, their courage, and their choices.
Compensation = finding ways around things that are naturally difficult. Example: Forcing yourself to make eye contact with someone
Masking = hiding parts of your autism. Example = Not talking about something you are really interested in
Assimilation = trying to fit in with everyone else so people don't notice you are different. Example: Talking to a stranger in a shop even if you don't want to
(TherapyWorks- What it Means to be Neurodiversity Affirming)
Neurodiversity describes the idea that people experience and interact with the world around them in many different ways; there is no one "right" way of thinking, learning, and behaving, and differences are not viewed as deficits.
What is neurodiversity? - Harvard Health
Dr. Roger McFillin, TWITTER:
If you sit down with people and have an honest conversation about their emotional lives most people will report some difficulty.
It's only in the modern mental health system where this can turn into mental illness & easily into a drug prescription.
It's a scam.
Neurotypical (NT) personality:
- strong social and communication skills
- navigates socially complex situations with ease
- makes friends and establishes romantic one with ease
- ability to participate in loud, crowded, or visually overwhelming settings with ease
(verywellmind)
"neurotypical individuals often assume that their experience of the world is either the only one or the only correct one"
Even with label ADHD, so many of us believe we should be able to just tough it out if we use enough willpower. This is one of the big myths of our society: “is that anybody can convince their brain to do anything of they just try hard enough”.
"ADHD, Self-Esteem, and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria"
“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by a$$holes.”
I have autism so I have difficulty reading faces. So unless it's like an obvious smile I have no idea what you're thinking of or feeling. With RSD I will going to assume negative, I can't define smile – I'll go with: you're angry.
YT PurpleElla
People can develop specific fears as a result of learning.
LITTLE ALBERT EXPERIMENT
Fear is combination of bodily sensation, coupled with images and with certain thoughts. Sensation itself is just sensation. When you couple it with image in flashback of PTSD or with thoughts This will never end, make it into fear.
YT Peter Levine
Watson believed that all fears and behaviors are learned.
Watson wanted to prove that your fear and behavior is learned. Everything that humans do is learned.
Little Albert Experiment
Watson observed that young children have an innate fear of loud noises. Following the principles of conditioning he wanted to prove that he could induce a child to fear something that he wouldn't normally fear.
Little Albert Experiment
Fortunately, most human behavior is learned observationally through modeling from others.
ALBERT BANDURA
By imitating the behaviour of others, children are highly likely to receive positive reinforcement for the type of behaviour that is considered most appropriate.
ALBERT BANDURA
DK THE PSYCHOLOGY BOOK
"The more I love mankind in general, the less I love men. I'm incapable of enduring two days in the same room with any other person. The moment anybody comes close to me, his personality begins to overpower my self esteem and intrude upon my freedom."
The Brothers Karamazov, Dostoevsky
Average child with ADHD hears 20,000 additional critical or corrective messages before their 12th birthday. That can have significant impact on self-image and self-worth. They have feeling they're profoundly defective, incompetent.
YT William Dodson
Examples of ADHD Masking:
- staying too quiet and being overly careful about what you say
- obsessively checking your belongings
- reacting as you are expected to instead of how you feel inside
- developing perfectionistic tendencies
- suppressing stimming behaviors like leg bouncing
- mimicking or copying other people in social situations
(verywell)
Inner Practitioner, TWITTER:
Trauma makes you see someone's lack of effort as an invitation to try harder and prove your worth. Healing makes you see their lack of effort as their lack of interest in you and reminds you to stop forcing that connection.
When you tell someone to calm down – there's a Power Dynamic that's implied. “I, partner, am calm and have everything under control, and you, someone with ADHD are whacked”. That will not bode well for productive conversation.
🟥Sharon Saline, PsyD
Secrecy, censorship, dishonesty, and blocking of communication threaten all the basic needs.
ABRAHAM MASLOW
No psychological health is possible unless this essential care of the person is fundamentally accepted, loved and respected by others and by himself.
Abraham Maslow
When people appear to be something other than good and decent, it is only because they are reacting to stress, pain, or the deprivation of basic human needs such as security, love, and self esteem.
Abraham Maslow
Each one of us has an individual purpose to which we are uniquely suited, and part of the path to fulfilment is to identify and pursue that purpose.
ABRAHAM MASLOW (1908-1970)
DK THE PSYCHOLOGY BOOK
People are not evil; they are schlemiels.
(*a stupid, awkward, or unlucky person)
ABRAHAM MASLOW
#self
If someone is not doing what they are best suited to do in life, it will not matter if all of their needs are fulfilled, he will be perpetually restless and unsatisfied. Each of us must discover our potential, and seek out experiences that will allow us to fulfill it.
A.MASLOW,DK
The experiences and behaviors regarded as indicative of mental illness were really "strategies that a person invents in order to live in an unlivable situation".
Anti-psychiatry
Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics
- struggles with maintaining interpersonal relationships
- struggles with codependency
- impulsive or dangerous behaviors
- anxiety and hypervigilance
- fear of abandonment
- conflict avoidance/fear of conflict
- constantly seeking approval
- struggles with authority figures
- poor communication
- struggles with emotional regulation
- poor self-esteem and self-image, or constantly feeling "different"
You are born with only two fears: fear of falling and fear of loud noise. All the rest is learned. And it's a lot of work!
🟦Dr Richard Bandler
The trick is: you have to feel good for no reason.
🟦Richard Bandler
The neurotic assumes too much responsibility; the person with a character disorder not enough. When neurotics are in conflict with the world, they automatically assume that they are at fault.
🟦Scott Peck
You shouldn't fear being hated.
🟥Izaak McCullough
I go out and I have a blast. I see people I know, watch show in a club, I talk. And it feels good, invigorated. And..next day I will feel anxious again about doing the same thing! You would think after so many times of positive reinforcement
🟥JamesCamacho
Actually it makes it worse to have a full Self. When a person is being violated to have a Self, to have reactions, to have boundaries actually just makes the violations worse, the attacks worse. The person learns to shut down.
🟥Daniel Mackler
Dr James Davies (PhD), TWITTER:
What *we* consider to be 'neurotypical' behaviour isn't universally 'typical', as every culture has its own idea of what 'typical' behaviour is. In this sense, 'typicality' is not a product of neurological design, but of adapting to a culturally specific form of socialisation.
#when boundaries are bad
We are healed from suffering only by experiencing it to the full.
🟦 Marcel Proust
If we could somehow end child abuse and neglect, the eight hundred pages of DSM (and the need for the easier explanations such as DSM-IV Made Easy: The Clinician's Guide to Diagnosis) would be shrunk to a pamphlet in two generations.
🟦 John Briere
14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic ("The Laundry List")
- We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
- We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
- We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
- We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
- We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
- We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
- We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
- We became addicted to excitement.
- We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
- We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
- We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
- We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
- Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
- Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Don’t confuse being scared with being smart
🟥 Izaak McCullough
In society if you have behavior that is much healthier than a commonly accepted delusion, you're gonna probably be called crazy.
🟥 Daniel Mackler
We cannot get healthy if we're unprotected on a sick environment.
If we try to be secure inside of these environments where insecure responses are actually the most adaptive. It is not random, our attachment strategies are intelligent and they have perfectly adapted us to the environments we had to navigate when we were very young. It's only when we have more choice they become maladaptive.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
When people told me “Let it go, move on”, “Don't focus on the negative” is these were people who were pretty dissociated. Really strongly disconnected from dealing with the painful things that happened to them. I had to be under the authority of people who didn't really treat me well. The way I survived was by letting it go, trying to be positive, put on a happy face, be “normal”, not talk about painful stuff, not grieve.
🟥 Daniel Mackler
Skilled manipulators can capitalize on an INFJ's natural inclination to empathize deeply with others. They are able to play on the INFJ's empathy, using emotional appeals to elicit sympathy and compliance quite effectively. This can make it challenging to discern manipulation from genuine emotional dynamics. Their emotions being exploited or feel responsible for solving the emotional turmoil created by others. This can perpetuate a cycle of control.
🟥 The Mind Notion
Narcissists fear vulnerability. And that's why they have to appear better than you. They have to develop a false self. The False Self protects them from feelings of vulnerability. It prevents real intimacy even though the narcissists needs you very much. Narcissist is highly codependent. Narcissist can't survive without sources of narcissistic supply. They need to have people mirror them back to them.
🟥 Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life Coach Inc.
This was perfect strategy for you when you were young, if you are growing up in a home where emotional openness, intimacy and authenticity were repeatedly rejected by your caregivers, the smart, the most adaptive thing to do is to learn to inhibit what you truly feel. And to exaggerate things that you don't truly feel in order to get your things met. Babies cannot be manipulative, don't have capacity to be manipulative.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUgQ_E24ma
It makes perfect sense to sometimes fawn over that person and sometimes detach and protect yourself from that person based on how that person is currently responding to you. Fearful-Avoidance means getting caught between these two extreme response patterns. Constantly making assessment which of these insecure responses are better one to use in this situation is the perfect response pattern when you are trapped in abusive situation.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUgQ_E24ma
Dissociation mimics enlightenment. To be dissociated, disconnected from our feelings, often in the world can come across as being very healthy. Can even come across as being wise, and mature. We think of people who aren't suffering pain, who aren't in miserable places, who aren't depressed, grieving, not crying, not angry, always in control of their emotions, but real balance only comes as the result of process.
🟥 Daniel Mackler
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wTh5y4K-c
One of the most important aspects of being verbally assertive is to be persistent and keep saying what you want over and over again without getting angry, irritated, or loud.
Manuel J. Smith
#arguing conflict disagree
You are being manipulated when someone reduces, by any means, your ability to be your own judge of what you do.
Manuel J. Smith
“What you resist persists”
It was the renowned Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung (1875–1961), who taught us that whatever you resist persists. What he meant by that is the more you resist anything in life, the more you bring it to you.
(thesecret)
"It’s easy to take advice from wealthy, wellknown people who seem to have their shit together. The things that privileged selfhelp authors need to overcome their troubles don’t cut it for most of us. Money, power, prestige allow people to be oblivious to the inner lives of others"
(karlastarr substack)
Group therapy, rather than self-help and individual psychotherapy, has statistically been proven to be the most effective recourse, hinging on the identification of failed coping strategies persisted since childhood.
Codependency
United States, c.1970
1001 IDEAS..., Robert Arp
Self-help community hurts us when they shame the victims of narcissism, who were taken advantage of: when we tell the people that negative emotions are bad. No, negative emotion is my truth. Suffering is truth, not shame for it or say it's not real or ask for permission to feel.
Living With a Narcissist Can Make You Physically Sick; Here's How, Lisa Romano
In my work we don't eliminate codependency. What we do is add options to our skill set. Because codependency in my work is strategy. It's not a condition. It's made of peoplepleasing, perfectionism, fixing others&self, protect people from their own choices
YT "The Interviews: The Cause and Cure of Codependency"
We are always aware of the fact that we must keep our true Self hidden when we are around other people. Because we are governed by this feeling of being contaminated in some way. To compensate we learn to be defensive, a little bit guarded.
🟥Heidi Priebe
The same way I would not ask a friend with a severe physical disability to help me with predominately physical –I would not ask someone with a severe emotional disturbance to be the person who respond securely to me. Won't become preoccupied
🟥Heidi Priebe
"The minute people value fantasy more than reality, you have no role –you have no place and you have no contribution, negative or positive. You are not there. You are trigger. You are not partner. Attempt to impose language of health and normalcy is doomed. "
YT Richard Grannon & Prof. Sam Vaknin
The key to understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder is that the entire formation of the personality is based around a false self. So they have a hyper idealized vision of themselves that protects them from the realities of the world. So basically all of these are a reflection of when reality creeps in, it defies the reality of the false self and causes the narcissist to wake up to the fact that they're living inside of a delusion. And this created mortification and can spiral the narcissist into complete crisis.
YT 7 Things That Frighten Narcissists To Their Core
RICHARD GRANNON
"Understanding does not cure evil, but it is a definite help, inasmuch as one can cope with a comprehensible darkness."
Carl Jung
Psyche and symbol
"The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases. Each of us carries his own life-form — an indeterminable form which cannot be superseded by any other."
C.G. Jung
Modern Man in Search of a Soul
To say what you feel is to dig your own grave
Album: I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got
Black Boys on Mopeds
Song by Sinéad O'Connor
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
Oscar Wilde
Someone who's been mentally abused will:
- constantly apologize
- feeling not enough
- hide feelings
- hypersensitive to criticism
- breakdown during small disagreements
- need a lot of assurance
- struggle to put guard down
At first, the minority group, brown-eyes, resisted. Elliot told them that the blue-eyes children were smarter because of their blue-eyes. Children stopped resisting. Brown-eyes became timid and obedient.
Jane Elliot - Blue/Brown Eye Exercise (1968)
Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
🟨Janet G. Woititz
Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval.
🟨Janet G. Woititz
Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
Adult children of alcoholics over-react to changes which they have no control.
🟨Janet G. Woititz
Codependents in general and Adult children of Alcoholics tend to expect others to make them happy. When I don't get validation, my victim mentality will kick in - because that's what Mum did. She would complain if not validated. Negative thinking is learned behavior
🟥Lisa Romano
10 Common Struggles for Adult Children of Alcoholics
1. Being rigid and inflexible
2. Difficulty trusting or being closed off
3. Shame and loneliness
4. Self-criticism
5. Perfectionism
6. People pleasing
7. Being highly sensitive or reactive
8. Being overly responsible...
Adult children of alcoholics did the best they could do to survive as children. Their behaviors, coping skills and personalities were shaped by chaos and trauma. As adults their inner child is still exiled and terrified lead to compensatory.
🟥Doc Snipes
Sooner or later, if they are to be healed, they must learn that the entirety of one's adult life is a series of personal choices, decisions.
M. Scott Peck
We don't realize as adults that we are now capable of meeting our needs so we don't need these advanced strategies for keeping people close. Pink cloud: We want all things that go well in our life to continue and new things on top of that.
🟥Heidi Priebe
It is considered advantageous in society. School likes it better when children are traumatized. Other people, other adults, society can like the child better when they develop this “persona”. “This is healthy, this is better person”.
🟥Daniel Mackler
Being an adult means having options. We can push back against bullies, move away when it gets too much, and tell other people what we need from them.
Hypervigilance and How to Overcome It
YT The School of Life
'Having someone mad at you/being misunderstood.'
We are adults now. We don't need to give toxic people the power to tell us who we are.
YT Patrick Teahan LICSW
Our parents didn't see us as children. Toxic parents see their kids as selfish adults who are making choices at their expense, which is super messed up.
YT 6 Unknown Childhood Trauma Triggers
#why CBT stoic exposure doesn't work
It’s easy to take advice from wealthy, wellknown people who seem to have their shit together. The things that privileged selfhelp authors need to overcome their troubles don’t cut it for most of us. Money, power, prestige allow people to be oblivious to the inner lives of others
"How to draw an owl" karlastarr.substack
The devil loves unspoken secrets. Especially those that fester in a man's soul.
Herman Melville
Of all the preposterous assumptions of humanity over humanity, nothing exceeds most of the criticisms made on the habits of the poor by the well-housed, well-warmed and well-fed.
Herman Melville (August 1, 1819 – September 28, 1891)
Things autistic people get judged for
- Asking in-depth questions on a content area that get perceived as challening the authority
- Working harder than expected on tasks and projects can get perceived as "brown-nosing" or "being weird"
- Asking clarifying questions to understand what is being said to them
- Over-explaning in an effort to be understood and out of anxiety of not getting their thoughts across clearly
- Being focused on a task and not on chatting/socializing
- Caring deeply about the quality of work they produce and giving in their full effort
Yulika Forman, PhD, LHMC
People never leave a sinking ship until they see the lights of another ship approaching.
🟦 Buckminster Fuller
The grief that does not speak whispers the o'erfraught heart and bids it break.
📖 William Shakespeare, Macbeth.
Regulating your emotions does't mean suppressing them...
actually, acknowledging and understanding your feelings can lead to healthier emotional control.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/gwFVF9c3EGw
Whenever we have a problem, upset, hurt or loss, it is important to become fully aware of what is coming up for us from moment to moment in our inner life and then, if useful, to give it an accurate name. When we heal our wounds we will be 'tuned in' and fully aware of our inner life, and thus able to know what it is that we are experiencing.
Charles L. Whitfield, M.D.
Being honest may not get you a lot of friends but it'll always get you the right ones.
John Lennon
#self
What you don't own, owns you.
Debbie Ford
#why CBT stoic exposure doesn't work
There is no protection against slander.
Moliere
#why CBT stoic exposure doesn't work
It is the client who knows what hurts, what directions to go, what problems are crucial, what experiences have been deeply buried.
Carl Rogers
Parents and other authority figures often blame children for things that they themselves are fundamentally, responsible for. Or they hold the child to impossible standards and expectations where the child is punished for making mistakes or being imperfect and blamed for failing.
Since the children are powerless and dependent, they have no choice but to accept any treatment they receive from their caregivers: Since the children don't have a frame of reference, they also tend to normalize their environment or even perceive it as loving, caring childrearing.
Darius Cikanavicius
What's the difference between having RSD and just being a really sensitive person?
- I fear the rejection that has not yet happened and will likely never happen. For example when you said that I can come whenever I want my brain made me think that you didn't actually want me there since it wasn't said explicitly. And that can spiral into thoughts like if you even like me as a friend.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria: Explained for Neurotypicals
🟥accidentalboar
Healing means actually feeling the stuff underneath. John Bowlby's concept of defense exclusion; When a human psyche is unable to tolerate a certain concept, we exclude it from further processing. As if some information is poison to psyche.
🟥Heidi Priebe
https://youtube.com/watch?v=vNw6fjaJJUc
He has the right to criticize who has the heart to help.
Abraham Lincoln
Things that make Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria worse:
- Not realizing that RSD is actually a problem
- Lack of ways to channel creativity (art)
- Lack of hobbies
- Lack of support
- Lack of connection with good people
#why CBT stoic exposure doesn't work
Five themes of microaggression against people with mental illnesses
1. Invalidation
When other people dismiss their illness or symptoms through minimizing their experience, symptomizing their normal experiences, and patronizing
2. Assumption of inferiority
When other people assume that people with mental illness have lower intelligence, are incompetent, and that they do not have control
3. Fear of mental illness
When other people fear them because they believe that they may be dangerous or unpredictable
4. Shaming of mental illness
When other people tell them that they shouldn't let others know about their mental illness
5. Second class citizen attitudes
When other people treat them as if they don't have the same rights as the dominant group of society.
Mental Health Forum, 2016
#why CBT stoic exposure doesn't work
Next time round, you'll get hurt more easily
⬜ Anatomy of a Microaggression
I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.
🎞️ The Shootist (1976)
Man positively needs general ideas and convictions that will give a meaning to his life and enable him to find a place for himself in the universe.
🟦 Carl Jung
Unhealed trauma can look like:
- low sense of self worth
- always fearing what might happen next
- codependency
- resisting positive change
- fear of being abandoned
- tolerating abusive behaviors from others
- difficulty standing up for yourself and asserting boundaries
- putting your needs aside for other people
- an innate feeling of shame
- craving for external validation
- not being able to tolerate conflict
- being overtly agreeable
It doesn't necessarily have to be alcoholism in the household. And a lot of times we don't really understand what dysfunctional households are because what our normal is – is our normal. So we might not necessarily recognize dysfunction from the beginning. We might recognize traits but not always dysfunction. Look at dysfunction in terms of stress. Was there a lot of stress and tension in the house growing up? Sometimes that is easier to identify.
🟥 The Intimacy Gram
'Killing the Buddha on the road' means destroying the hope that anything outside of ourselves can be our master. No one is any bigger than anyone else.
There are no mothers or fathers of grown-ups, only sisters and brothers.
🟦Sheldon B. Kopp
It is not possible to know how much is just enough, until we have experienced how much is more than enough.
🟦Sheldon B. Kopp
Escape is not a dirty word. None of us can face what's happening head-on all of the time.
🟦Sheldon B. Kopp
Often things are as bad as they seem.
🟦Sheldon B. Kopp
We must learn to give ourselves permission to blunder, to fail, and to make fools of ourselves every day for the rest of our lives. We do so in any case.
🟦Sheldon B. Kopp
All evil is potential vitality in need of transformation.
🟦Sheldon B. Kopp
Everything good is costly, and the development of the personality is one of the most costly of all things. It will cost you your innocence, your illusions, your certainty.
Sheldon B. Kopp
If I reveal myself without worrying about how others will respond, then some will care, though others may not. But who can love me, if no one knows me? I must risk it, or live alone.
🟦Sheldon B. Kopp
We are all born into families and cultures we didn't choose, given names we didn't pick, instructed in behaviour and values we might not have freely chosen, and too often we end up expected to live lives designed by others.
🟦Sheldon B. Kopp
Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be longer lasting than physical ones.
🟦Beverly Engel
Children who feel unloved and unprotected try to please others, give to others, and care for others in a desperate hope that they may make themselves worthy.
🟦Beverly Engel
Survivors have a difficult time expressing their feelings. They are more accustomed to minimizing their pain and hiding how they really feel, both from themselves and others.
🟦Beverly Engel
Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self, trust in her perceptions and self-concept.
🟨Beverly Engel
Critical words to a child are as painful and damaging as being physically hit. Insulting names echo in a child's mind over and over again until he comes to believe that is all he is.
🟦Beverly Engel
Let others know when they hurt or angered you. By not speaking up when someone insults or mistreats you, you are inadvertently giving permission for him or her to continue to treat you in the same way in the future.
🟦Beverly Engel
When someone is unrelentingly critical of you, always finds faults, can never be pleased, and blames you for everything that goes wrong, it is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage.
🟦Beverly Engel
Accepting that your imperfections and so-called negative attributes are part of what makes you unique will help you to stop continually trying to be someone or something that you are not.
🟨Beverly Engel
Tantrum vs Meltdown, spotting the differences:
Tantrum, answer yes:
- Is the child watching for your reaction
- Is the child considering their own safety?
- Is the child in control of their own behavior?
- Is the child making an effort to communicate their needs?
- Is the child able to calm down once the situation has been resolved?
Answer No: Meltdown.
Normal people have an incredible lack of empathy. They have good emotional empathy, but they don't have much empathy for the autistic kid who is screaming.. or having meltdown because there's too much stimulation.
Temple Grandin
Diagnosis is not an excuse to be selective about their rights.
Autistic not weird
Communication is to relationship what breath is to life.
🟨Virginia Satir
Our biggest problem as human beings is not knowing that we don't know.
🟨Virginia Satir
You have learned what you have learned very well. It has helped you survive.
🟦Virginia Satir
We must not allow other people's limited perceptions to define us.
🟦Virginia Satir
Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open and rules are flexible.
🟦Virginia Satir
You'll never be loved, if you can't risk being disliked.
🟨Manuel J. Smith
You can always find something wrong with someone else if you really want to.
🟨Manuel J. Smith
You are being manipulated when someone reduces, by any means, your ability to be your own judge of what you do.
🟨Manuel Smith
Many of the traits of the ACoA are similar to those commonly seen in personality disorders.
🟥Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA ) Traits and Treatment
Doc Snipes
https://youtube.com/watch?v=GAIqOYsTtt8
We don't get mad at the people who are inflicting the pain in this country. We get mad at the people who are pointing it out.
🟨Jimmy Dore
If you are not feeling pain, anger and sadness while you are taking in psychological abuse or something similar – you are going to end up in those situations over and over again –because you are not logging information that your body telling
🟥Heidi Priebe
https://youtube.com/watch?v=GTQohPaGnSY
Processing Emotion verus Hiding Emotion:
Processing Emotion:
- Feel the sensations in your body
- Clear thoughts fueling the emotion
- Accept your emotions as normal
Hiding Emotion:
- Overeating/Overdrinking
- Procrastinating
- Overwhelm & "Busywork"
Emotional bypassing:
- "Just look on the bright side"
- "This isn't worth about"
- "I should be grateful"
- "I'll just focus on other things"
Emotional Processing:
- What is my sadness, anger, fear, __ teaching me?
- Tears release stress hormones, serve a purpose
- I can be grateful and still validate my story while also empathizing with others
- How can I create space for coping without burying?
(holistically grace)
Emotional access to the truth is the indispensable precondition of healing.
🟨Alice Miller
It was not the beautiful or pleasant feelings that gave me new insight, but the ones against which I fought most strongly; helpless, humiliated, resentful, sad.
🟨Alice Miller
Who says the belief is wrong?
Who wants to make the change?
Why do they want to make this change?
Those are three important question which I would be asking before looking to effect a belief change.
Keith Blakemore-Noble
⬜ Quora: Is it possible to remove some wrong belief from subconscious by hypnosis?
It's not what you add that enriches your life - it's what you omit.
🇨🇭Rolf Dobelli
Sometimes emotions provide the wiser counsel.
🇨🇭Rolf Dobell
It's very common that each and every one of us makes mistakes, what the author, Rolf Dobelli says, experts call as cognitive errors.
Introduction-Cognitive errors
Deepstash
Emotional Processing Is Different for Autistics
"I don’t get panicky in the moment. Several days later when everyone else is fine, I may finally process the emotional charge of the situation, and start feeling panicky “out of nowhere.” "
Those with avoidant style learned from young age that processing emotional pain was not as important as understanding why things happen in way they did. It is our emotional responses that help us make intelligent decisions.
🟥Heidi Priebe
Emotional processing is defined as: approaching, accepting, symbolizing, tolerating, regulating, making meaning of, and utilizing or transforming emotions. From: Reference Module in Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Psychology, 2022.
⬜️(ScienceDirect)
Brain develops thinking patterns, defensive thoughts in order to avoid person deal with emotional pain.
Cognitive reframe: parents were not processing and dealing with their emotions properly which lead to destructive and maladaptive behaviours
YT Goldberg
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored, said writer Aldous Huxley.
Most of this literature is mostly about how much the narcissistic people suffer but not about how people in the relationships with them do. But it's more than just you feeling awful. It's breaking you down, stealing your voice, sense of self
🟥DoctorRamani
Radical honesty: go to that person and only reference exactly what happened and what I felt about it – now I am giving us opportunity to work with reality. “You started talking over me” - pointing at something that definitely happened.
🟥Heidi Priebe
If you keep putting yourself in situations where someone is being unkind to you or emotionally harming you in some way and you're not doing anything to take yourself out of those situations, your inner child is going to get really mad at you
🟥Heidi Priebe
Signs of Emotional Dysregulation
- overly intense emotions
- impulsive behavior
- lack of emotional awareness
- trouble making decisions
- inability to manage behavior
- avoids difficult emotions
Most people don't understand how complex this process is: trauma bonding, self blame, betrayal blindness, cognitive dissonance: the deck is stacked against you. And your nervous system is trying to protect you. So you won't always process it
🟥DoctorRamani
Another person's bad behavior is their responsibility, not yours.
🟥DoctorRamani
STOP shifting shame from the narcissist to the survivor
Heal enmeshment – get very clear on what your individuality is. And get very clear on the things that you like and don't like, desires, what resonates with you. What make you unique and individual, we create boundary what is/isn't mine
🟥Healed By Divinity
People might prefer the feeling state of self-criticism and self-blame over the feeling state of being out of control.
Kelly McGonigal
What Can Cause Autistic Burnout, orionkelly
- Attending a noisy or crowded social event for an extended period of time
trying to maintain a consistent routine while dealing with unexpected changes
- having to mask or camouflage your autistic traits, your true autistic self for long periods of time in order to fit in socially
- overwhelming academic or work demands without appropriate support
- navigating complex social interactions, coping with transitions between different activities or environments
- facing a high pressure and fast-based work or school environment
- balancing personal responsibilities and expectations in relationships
- a constant need to adapt to new environments
- coping with almost constant bullying, discrimination, isolation, social exclusion especially during misunderstandings or conflicts
#why CBT stoic exposure doesn't work
Stress can be a very destructive force when it comes to myeloma. Stress really disrupts the immune system and myeloma is a cancer of the immune system. In addition, the stress hormone noradrenaline (the "flight" hormone, versus adrenaline, the "fight" hormone) can actually trigger cancer cell growth directly.
Hans Selye, a Hungarian scientist who worked in Montreal, Canada, showed that a chronic "alarm state" (anticipating problems requiring "flight") leads to an "exhaustion state" which depletes the immune system.
In one of my blogs, I discussed stress reduction and the importance of touch. In a 2022 KCRW podcast interview with Tiffany Field (a researcher at the University of Miami School of Medicine), she relates how she and her students discovered through a survey “that touch deprivation was highly correlated, highly related to anxiety symptoms, to depression symptoms, to sleep problems, to PTSD symptoms, to boredom, to loneliness.”
(myeloma org)
Lack of health, lack of attitude & Unhealthy society plus unhealthy psychology = trauma
⬜ George Engel's biopsychosocial model
---
Every single thing that you do that is marked by a felt sense of wanting to be safe. Your coping mechanism, your people pleasing, your aggression, literally everything is marked by a desire to want to feel safe. So the next time you get mad at yourself for engaging in that kind of coping mechanism – have grace for yourself that your body is trying to protect against a felt sense of threat.
"THREAT AND SAFETY"
🟥 ThomasFloydLPCC
--
9 Signs if Quiet BDP
1. You are calm on the outside but suffer on the inside
2. You have a high need for control, and hate uncertainty
3. You withdraw from people and shut down very easily
4. You mentally retreat or dissociate, as coping mechanism
5. You have an unclear sense of self, resulting in low self-esteem
6. You always blame yourself for everything, and self sabotage a lot
7. You avoid conflicts and anger at all cost, and check yourself as not to offend anyone
8. You are extremely fearful of both abandonment and intimacy
9. You look 'perfect' from the outside, but deep down inside you keep on isolating yourself more
-
Quiet BPD subtype
Also known as High-Functioning BPD
One of the subtypes of BPD, people living with "quiet" or "discouraged borderline" live in extreme emotional turmoil because they don't show their distress.
- not easily detectable
- those with the disorder often struggle alone because they feel like a burden
- common people-pleasing behavior
- withdraw when upset
- feel detached from the world to cope
- fear of rejection and abandonment
- fear of being alone
- social anxiety and self isolation
(Healthline, 2020) ; thebrightbabe
-
QuietBPD
A person living with quiet BPD will typically internalize their emotions, which creates invisible feelings of turmoil that can make life extremely difficult. While quiet BPD is not an official diagnosis, the use of this term denotes a subtype of BPD that tends to turn symptoms inward rather than outward (which makes it less obivious).
As a result of this, quiet BPD often tends to go undiagnosed, misdiagnosed as something else (eg depression, social anxiety, autism), or takes longer to diagnose because of the lack of classic symptoms.
-
These are all interchangeable:
RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) = Social anxiety = Emotional Dysregulation = Complex Trauma = Toxic shame = After-effects of ACoA & ACE = After-effects of narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, mental abuse = Hypervigilance/hypovigilance = PureOCD = Unfavorable power dynamics = Trauma response = Trauma bonding = Neurodivergence = Spectrum, not binary thinking = Amygdala hijacking = Trauma triggers and flashbacks = being criticized for something you can't control = having high moral and ethical standards and enforcing them = someone random complains about our errors when we done superhuman efforts to avoid ALL mistakes which 98.5% percent of people never invest neither physically nor mentally = toxic person complaining and expecting us to know something for the first time without mistakes = Perfectionism = Protesting: someone toxic complaining without fair assessment and basing their protest on bias and prejudice and oversimplification = Protesting: trauma panic symptoms related in an attempt to express OUR OWN judgement and negative evaluation and holding criminals narcissists accountable for their crimes and hidden selfish agenda of exploiting others = Not conforming = Conforming (fawning) to unreasonable standards and neurotypical norms = Conforming to narcissistic abuser and psychopath who would punish us if we don't conform to their Coercive control, hidden agenda and manipulation and pathological lying = Being authentic true speaking the truth to fake people and toxic people who have hidden covert agenda to exploit others = being Agreeable (Big 5 personality trait) = being Open (Big 5 personality trait) = Being Neurotic (Big 5 personality trait) = being healthy, friendly and open to life and people = Attachment issues = Codependency = Listening to our gut feeling = Quiet BPD (PureBPD) = BPD Splitting = Inner critic = Imposter syndrome = Being exposed to Operant Conditioning of Negative reinforcement (rejection, cold shoulder) = Being exposed to Negative reinforcement Breadcrumbs hoping positive reinforcement will come instead = doing the best we can to avoid and mitigate negative reinforcement = Avoidance = Victim of false accusation and slander (overt or covert) = overcompensation and masking and making trauma and or abuse to be functional = being wounded and reacting to someone future faking our voids being fulfilled to hook us up to their lies = Self-referential thinking = identity being rooted in "I am not enough" instead of "I am enough" = Narcissistic Mortification = Sensory overload = Autistic shutdown = Pathological Demand Avoidance = The looking-glass self = mindread recursively / Recursive Thinking = mindreading = caring too much = Schizoid empty core = Repetition Compulsion = suppressed anger = fear of someone's contempt == EMOTIONAL FLASHBACKS = self hatred = self blaming = self rejection = self abuse = hating own panic / anxiety reactions = hating social anxiety = wishing to be someone else having false self to impress other people and then garner other people's admiration
"People expect the quiet one to adapt to the loud people but not the other way around"
"Things like facial expressions, tone of voice, hand gestures, and body position or movement are all ques people with higher levels of social perception pick up on to work out what other people are thinking, feeling or are likely to do next."
Effects of Cynicism:
1. Lack of meaningful relationships, friendships or social life
2. Affect education and career
3. Povery or economic struggle
4. Stress, anxiety, depression and burnout
5. Suicidal ideation
6. Risk of coronary heart disease, cancer, morbidity and mortality
7. Affects brain health
8. Cognitive decline
9. Dementia and Alzheimer's disease
(mind help)
Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one.
Hans Selye
George Engel
all three levels, biological, psychological, and social, must be taken into account in every health care task.
Coerced-compliant false confessions
'Coerced-internalized false confessions' are those in which an innocent person—anxious, sleep-deprived, confused, and subjected to a highly suggestive interrogation that often includes the presentation of false evidence—actually comes to believe that he or she committed the crime.
Discard
The narcissist might decide that they're done with you and that you have no further use for them. The rejection is typically swift and brutal. Or, you might wake up and realize that this partner, friend, employer, or acquaintance isn't healthy for you and try to leave the situation.
Quiet Borderline
Most clinicians think of the borderline personality disorder case as being angry and explosive, but these individuals are instead quiet and hurting. People living with quiet BPD may feel misunderstood and receiving a correct diagnosis can feel as though a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
Emerging research suggests DRD3 & CLOCK genes are linked to agreeableness
Wanting to be treated well doesn't make you high maintenance. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
Don't stop being needy. Your needs for intimacy withing your relationship are 100% normal, ok, healthy, and appropriate. Whether we're talking about time together, expressions of love, or sex- having needs is a fundamental aspect of all relationships.
Self-Perception
people develop their attitudes by observing their own behavior and concluding what attitudes must have caused it.
Social and family influences, culture, and the media all play a role in shaping who we think we are and how we feel about ourselves. Although these are powerful socializing forces, there are ways to maintain some control over our self-perception.
Implicit Personality Theory
Implicit personality theory tries to explain how people form first impressions about others. When people first meet, they absorb certain traits and make assumptions about each other. The term "implicit" means that something is suggested naturally. Something implicit is automatic.
Impression formation
if a perceiver feels or thinks in a certain way, all the surrounding traits are magnified to align with that innate feeling.
False consensus effect
In psychology, the false consensus effect, also known as consensus bias, is a pervasive cognitive bias that causes people to "see their own behavioral choices and judgments as relatively common and appropriate to existing circumstances".
The tendency to overestimate how much others agree with us is known among social psychologists as the false consensus effect. This kind of cognitive bias leads people to believe their own values and ideas are "normal" and that the majority of people share these same opinions, even if that's not the case.
Selective perception
Selective perception is the unconscious process by which people screen, select, and notice objects in their environment. During this process, information tends to be selectively perceived in ways that align with existing attitudes, beliefs, and goals.
Pluralistic ignorance
What is Pluralistic Ignorance? Simply put, pluralistic ignorance occurs when individual members of a group (such as a school, a team, a workplace, or a group of friends) believe that others in their group hold comparably more or less extreme attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors.
An example of pluralistic ignorance includes not speaking up when a friend cheats on his math test because you incorrectly think that the rest of your friends believe cheating is okay, even though you personally believe that cheating is wrong.
The singularity effect
the tendency to behave more compassionately to a single identifiable individual than to any group of nameless ones.
Self-selection bias
Self-selection bias occurs when the decision to participate in a study is left entirely up to individuals. This gives rise to research bias because those who volunteer to take part in research studies are usually different from those who don't (e.g., in terms of motivation or demographics).
Selection bias, where the results are skewed a certain way because you've only captured feedback from a certain segment of your audience. Response bias, where there's something about how the actual survey questionnaire is constructed that encourages a certain type of answer, leading to measurement error.
What if you're right and they're wrong
⬜ The False Consensus Effect
I started studying political science, and I was studying rigged elections and political violence. I did field research around the world where I met former heads of state in authoritarian regimes, accused of war crimes. When I came back to talk about this to people, some of them recognized these sort of personality traits in their bosses
Is it possible that these traits are universal in power seek
🟥 The world’s biggest problem? Powerful psychopaths. | Brian Klaas
Big Think
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJIOLTMitK4
You're basically hoping that somebody who's community service-minded will put themselves forward for that job - put garbage out, trimmed trees to your right specifications. Instead what very often happens is that people who actually like the idea of policing their neighbors, patrolling them, controlling them, those people are the ones who seek the power in those communities the most.
Because for them,the power is the goal, not the means. Want power for himself
🟥 Big Think
The story is how the systems of power can dictate who ends up in them. You just roll the red carpet to people who are power-hungry. There are sometimes broken systems that don't do a very effective job at screening out and blocking the Martin McFifes (abusers) of the world from ending up as your boss or as a politician or even sports coach. When those systems break down, when we roll carpet to wrong people, that's when abuse of power become more likely.
🟥 Big Think
Power is something that draws in the wrong kinds of people like moths to a flame. That's why recruitment is so important. You're always going to have power-hungry people show up and try to take power. What you need to do is dilute them and block them. That's where the system design is crucial. We assume we can advertise for position and wait for right people to come. It doesn't work like that.
We have to actively counteract this impulse of power-hungry people
🟥 Big Think
The people who end up in power are not representative of the rest of us. They are not average, and they're not normal. Once you accept that, then you can start to counteract those problems. Self-selection bias is one of the most crucial things to understand if you want to crack the case of how to make power function better. Survivorship bias - we see only people who make it into power. We look at the wrong kinds of data, because we look only at what survived.
🟥 Big Think
We need to accept that some of these biases are lurking inside our heads. We can't control them. They're the product of 10,000 of years of evolution. They're maladaptive now. They're not good for us. But only by accepting and recognizing them can we start to counteract them. Data shows these biases exist when we select leaders.
🟥 The world’s biggest problem? Powerful psychopaths. | Brian Klaas
Big Think
Fundamental point: appearances unfortunately do matter, and this means that our evaluation of leaders needs to be scrutinized heavily because we have stupid voices in our heads that are telling us information that we should not process as though it actually matters, and yet we do process as though it actually matter, based on face, height, race, gender.
🟥 The world’s biggest problem? Powerful psychopaths. | Brian Klaas
Big Think
That superficial charm blinds us to psychopaths. Ted Bundy seemed so charming, he seemed so nice. He was able to lure his victims into his car precisely because he was superficially charming. People lie and especially psychopaths who are trying to blend in as ordinary people, so they can get away with it. Psychopaths is not just somebody who is mean or immoral or a bad person. It's much deeper.
🟥 The world’s biggest problem? Powerful psychopaths. | Brian Klaas
Big Think
The dark triad and psychopathy in particular, are a neurological disorder. Your brain does not function normally. MRI scanner showed psychopaths were able to switch on empathy by choice. For the rest of us we have to make a conscious decision to down-regulate our empathy. I have to harm somebody - fire them/break up with them, and consciously try to make myself feel less bad for them.
🟥 The world’s biggest problem? Powerful psychopaths. | Brian Klaas
Big Think
Psychopaths are actually really good at mimicking a normal brain if and when they need to. This is origin of superficial charm. For small and short interactions psychopaths are very good not just at passing, but at actually making us like them more than many other people.This is why job interview is a terrible way of sorting out people it's short performance. Psychos good at making people like em
🟥 The world’s biggest problem? Powerful psychopaths. | Brian Klaas
Big Think
Rotten systems turn people worse much faster than good systems. Environment that you're in, if you're in a corrupt police department, corrupt bureaucracy, everybody around you is skirting the rules. A lot of the people around you are breaking the rules, abusing them and inflicting harm. But it's normal. It's what's done.
The effect is amplified in a bad system. You have to make worse choices.
🟥 The world’s biggest problem? Powerful psychopaths. | Brian Klaas
A lot of people were behaving badly underneath the surface. We just couldn't see it. There was no scrutiny. And indeed, when you see lots of abusive power scandals, this is exactly what's happening. Bernie Madoff was bad from the start. Investments fund was always crooked Ponzi scheme. But only when he started making so much money did people start looking into this.
So it was question: was he under microscope
🟥 The world’s biggest problem? Powerful psychopaths. | B, Klaas
How Do We Have Wrong Thoughts?
Our memory is like a wax tablet, full of impressions inscribed upon it by past experiences and ideas. Sometimes we apply these memories inappropriately to present experiences, and so make mistakes.
Introducing Plato: A Graphic Guide
Control is a dangerous thing. And errors, errors are what is the real expression of the individual. Because if Picasso puts an eye where it shouldn't be, one sees it more clearly that if placed where it should be.
Jean Cocteau
The healthy way to always approach this person is to hear what they're saying and not take offense to it. That's hard coming from someone you'd think would never try this. But be able to see patterns, manipulation, gaslighting, tantrum.
YT Stephanie Lyn
It's reflection of the person's insecurities,how they feel about themselves inside. Anyone that is happy and healthy with themselves they don't want to hurt anyone. They don't say things that are button pushers. No need to get high
🟥Stephanie Lyn Coaching
Quiet BPD looks different from ‘typical’ BPD.
You may appear calm and high functioning, instead of ‘exploding’, you implode and collapse from within.
some people fight, some people flee, some people dissociate. It is a matter of spectrum, rather than categorization. No one has either completely ‘classic’ or ‘quiet’ BPD, or should be labeled as such. As we discuss ‘quiet borderline’ or Quiet BPD, please be mindful that it is a survival strategy, not a definition of your personality.
(eggshelltherapy)
It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to imitate somebody else's life with perfection.
Bhagavad Gita
Common characteristics of high-functioning BPD include the following
- Intense episodes of sadness, shame, and guilt directed towards self
- Repressing and hiding mood changes
- Social withdrawal
- Extreme fear of rejection and sensitivity to criticism
- Distorted self-image and low self-esteem
(leafcare co uk)
Quiet BPD often also overlaps with 'high-functioning BPD', where a part of the self is 'split off' to maintain a facade of hyper-competence and independence.
(psychology today)
Signs and Symptoms of Quiet BPD
You look calm on the outside even when you are suffering from extreme pain on the inside.
You have extreme mood swings that seem to come from nowhere.
You hide your anger, sometimes to the point you don't know it when you are angry.
You tend to blame yourself for things even when they are not your fault.
When relationships end or conflicts arise, you immediately assume you did something wrong.
You hold up an image that appears 'normal', calm and successful.
You feel that there is something defective about you.
You mentally retreat and can become dissociated when stressed.
Most of the time, you feel empty and numb.
When someone upsets you, instead of seeking clarification or confronting them, you immediately withdraw and may end the relationship without speaking to the person.
You feel that you are a burden on others.
One moment, you idealize other people, but soon you lose trust in them. Generally, you don't feel safe in the world.
(Psychology Today)
Through research, his team found that some people are 'overcontrolled' rather than 'undercontrolled.' Rather than being dysregulated and impulsive, they have the opposite struggles. They overly tolerate distress to the point where they don't seek help even when needed. They are sensitive to threats and interpersonal cues and easily feel hurt. However, they hide their emotions so much that they appear flat and un-feeling. While most people with BPD are undercontrolled and come across as being overly emotional and erratic, overcontrolled people are quiet, reserved, understated, and seem hard to engage. Because of this, their suffering is missed by most. Usually, undercontrolled personality is associated with Cluster B personality disorders such as Antisocial Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, while the overcontrolled character is linked to Cluster-C personality disorders such as Avoidant Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, or Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder.
(Psychology Today)
According to Dr. Lynch, people who are over-controlled have the following four core deficits:
- Lack of Receptivity and Openness: You tend to be risk-averse and hyper-vigilant. You may avoid new and novel experiences and can be dismissive of other people's input and feedback.
- Lack of Flexible Responding: You may have a compulsive need for structure and order. You plan and rehearse everything. Your life may be governed by rigid rules you impose on yourself. You may also censor yourself and other people's behavior with high moral standards.
- Lack of Emotional Expression and Awareness: You inhibit spontaneous emotional expression. Maybe you have expressions that do not match how you feel inside (e.g. you smile when you are distressed). You also tend to diminish your distress and adopt a stoic facade.
- Lack of Social Connectedness and Intimacy: You may appear distant and aloof and keep people at arm's length. You may also compare yourself with others often and feel envious and bitter.
These biology-based traits are powerful because they are unconscious and affect us without us even realizing it. Because this is an innate predisposition, you cannot will yourself, think yourself, or use more willpower to control or talk your way out of it.
(Psychology Today) The Struggles of Quiet BPD
Posted July 23, 2021 Over-control may help explain Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder.
---
"People will constantly tell you to be yourself but when you do, they will still say "not like that!" If the world truly wanted you to be real, they wouldn't make their disapproval of you so clear once you are. The truth is that people only want you to be real to the extent that they are comfortable with and in a way that they can approve of."
(YT sclera 74)
---
People with quiet BPD may:
- Generally feel unsafe in the world
- Feel empty and numb most of the time
- Feel frequent shame and guilt
- Project an image that appears "normal," calm, and successful
- Believe that there is something defective about them
- Have a great need for control
- At times feel "surreal," as though in a movie or a dream
- Look calm on the outside even when they're struggling intensely on the inside
- Have extreme mood swings that are sudden and unexpected
- Hide their anger, sometimes to the point they don't recognize when they're angry
- Blame themselves for things even when they're not at fault
- Immediately assume they did something wrong when relationships end or when conflicts arise
- Dissociate and mentally retreat when stressed
- Withdraw and possibly end a relationship when someone upsets them instead of discussing the situation
- Feel that they are a burden on others
- "People please," even when it's detrimental to themselves
- Fear being alone but push people away
- Idealize other people at first, but quickly lose trust in them
- Experience "splitting" behavior" (black-and-white thinking or swinging from one extreme to another, with little provocation)
(verywellhealth)
Characteristics of Quiet BPD
- Becoming suddenly quiet and withdrawn
- Failing to return phone calls and texts or to follow through on plans
- Saying that "everything is fine" even when stress is high
- Feeling that any strong emotional expression is wrong and should cause shame and guilt
- Extreme people-pleasing
- Saying that nothing matters
- Engaging in a string of intense and unhealthy relationships
- Constantly feeling that they are not good enough for another person, even when the person is not very desirable
(choosing therapy)
What makes lives so artificial is that people never allow their own inner world to speak.
🟦Hermann Hesse
#self
People with courage and character always seem sinister to the rest.
🟦Hermann Hesse
#arguing conflict disagree
If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.
🟦Hermann Hesse
Because the world is so full of death and horror, I try again and again to console my heart and pick the flowers that grow in the midst of hell.
🟦Hermann Hesse
Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately after they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish.
🟦Hermann Hesse
"if we feel secured about who we are - other people would not bother us that much
" me
"There is a huge difference between taking risks and being reckless"
YT Dace.fr8tk
If you're one to be easy hurt, you have some toxic shame going on inside.
Toxic shame: defective and flawed as person which is big fat lie that you've been feeding yourself you come to believe it.
🟥markhutten
Overcompensating:
- will not make someone love you more
- lead to burnout
- attracts the wrong people
- causes you to focus more on others than on yourself
It's easy to solve a problem that everyone sees, but it's hard to solve a problem that almost no one sees.
🟦 Tony Fadell
When we are headed the wrong way, the last thing we need is progress.
🟦 Nick Bostrom
"it is not confidence - it is narcissism"
YT poizen-ivy
"The
'confidence' you see as an outsider is the defensive mechanism that is
there in order to protect against criticism, since you can't deal with
it all. a lot of denial of reality goes with that"
YT jefo2405
I think he needed very much to believe that every time he finished fixing the latest major fault it was now perfect and ready to go. Failing is a really useful part of succeeding. But to Stockton Rush that isn't the case. He sees in black and white- either you are failure or success.
There is also control going on. When he says it's fine, it's fine.
🟥 Live Abuse Free
It is no measure of health to be adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
🟦 Jiddu Krishnamurti
Even with Mr Dodson, he says "perceived rejection". That tells me that
I'm not dealing in reality and that my experience is not real. Because
"it's just a perception". I started trying to come up with neutral non
judgmental terminology to explain what we're going through. RSD is
instantaneous response whether we're rejected or corrected or directed.
We have learned if we emote that unpleasant feeling that's bad.
🟥 Rena-Fi, Inc.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbItDFGz3Ow
Examples of verbal abuse:
- name-calling
- guilt trips
- gaslighting
- criticism
- threats
- blaming
- manipulation
- humiliation
- spreading lies
- minimizing someone's experiences of feelings
- screaming
-
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness
Richard C. Schwartz
Each part—as scary or illuminating or mysterious as it may appear to be—could offer wisdom and solace and vision. I came to see these internal parts as messengers. Dialoguing with them could offer helpful guidance and insight. In doing so, there would emerge clarity, ideas, or answers to seemingly insurmountable, complicated questions about my life.
Foreword by Alanis Morissette, 2021
-
access what I call the Self—an essence of calm, clarity, compassion, and connectedness—and from that place begin to listen to the parts of them that had been exiled by more dominant ones.
At its core, IFS is a loving way of relating internally (to your parts) and externally (to the people in your life)
-
In other words, all of us are born with many sub-minds that are constantly interacting inside of us. This is in general what we call thinking, because the parts are talking to each other
Remembering a time when you faced a dilemma, it’s likely you heard one part saying, “Go for it!” and another saying, “Don’t you dare!”
-
The diagnosis makes you feel defective, your self-esteem drops, and your feelings of shame lead you to attempt to hide any flaws and present a perfect image to the world.
-
This is because parts, like people, fight back against being shamed or exiled. And if we do succeed in dominating them with punitive self-discipline, we then become tyrannized by the rigid, controlling inner drill sergeant.
we have to constantly be on guard against any people or situations that might trigger those parts
-
Many approaches to meditation, for example, view thoughts as pests and the ego as a hindrance or annoyance, and practitioners are given instructions to either ignore or transcend them.
-
clients would talk about an inner critic who, when they made a mistake, attacked them mercilessly. That attack would trigger a part that felt totally bereft, lonely, empty, and worthless.
-
part wasn’t living in the present. It seemed frozen in those abuse scenes and believed that my client was still a child and in grave danger, even though she wasn’t anymore.
-
they are forced out of their natural, valuable states into roles that sometimes can be destructive but are, they think, necessary to protect the person or the system they are in.
"Constant: correction, redirection, criticism, rejection = Poor self-image."
"Imposition of order in Chaotic system = Escalation of disorder"
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness
Richard C. Schwartz
Listening to, embracing, and loving parts allows them to heal and transform as much as it does for people. parts are sacred, spiritual beings and they deserve to be treated as such.
parts carry extreme beliefs and emotions in or on their “bodies” that drive the way they feel and act.
-
emotions and beliefs that came into them and don’t belong to them
where they carry what seem to them to be these foreign objects in or on their bodies.
these burdens are the product of a person’s direct experience—the sense of worthlessness that comes into a child when a parent abuses them
Or you absorbed them from your ethnic group or from the culture you currently live in.
-
as soon as the burdens leave parts’ bodies, parts immediately transform into their
original, valuable states.
The hypervigilant part becomes an advisor on boundaries. The critic becomes an inner cheerleader, and so on.
-
I also became interested in understanding and treating perpetrators of abuse because it became clear that healing one of them could potentially save many future victims in turn.
-
the Self cannot be damaged, the Self doesn’t have to develop,and the Self possesses its own wisdom about how to heal internal as well as external relationships.
The Self is just beneath the surface of our protective parts, such that when they open space for it, it comes forward as you get to know that part, you will learn that it isn’t just that thought, sensation, impulse, or emotion. Indeed, it will let you know that it has a whole range of feelings and thoughts
-
When we simply turn our attention inside, we find that what we thought were random thoughts and emotions comprise a buzzing inner community that has been interacting behind the scenes throughout our lives.
-
at least temporarily you become the part that has blended with you. You are the fearful young girl or the pouting little boy you once were.
they carry the responsibility for protecting you despite the fact that, like external parentified children, they are not equipped to do so.
-
Some make you hypervigilant, others get you to overreact angrily to perceived slights, others make you somewhat dissociative all the time or cause you to fully dissociate in the face of perceived threats. Some become the inner critics as they try to motivate you
to look or perform better or try to shame you into not taking risks. Others make you take care of everyone around you and neglect yourself.
or something dreadful will
happen (often, that you will die). Given where they are stuck in the past, it makes sense that they would believe this.
Some of us are blended with some parts most of the time
We just have a background sense that we are a fraud
We may not even be consciously aware of such beliefs—yet those burdens govern our lives and are never examined or questioned.
-
Other parts only blend when they are triggered
we have to prepare for a presentation, and we have a panic attack. We know that they’re overreactions
And because we never ask inside, we just go around thinking of ourselves as touchy, angry, or anxious people.
Self can be temporarily obscured, but it never disappears.
the Self’s nourishing energy is readily available again
-
Blended parts give us the projections, transferences, and other twisted views that are the bread and butter of psychotherapy. The Self’s view is unfiltered by those distortions.
The clarity of Self gives you a kind of X-ray vision, so you see behind the other person’s protectors to their vulnerability, and in turn your heart opens to them.
-
finding blended parts and helping them trust that it’s safe to unblend is a crucial part of IFS.
-
It's insane that I have this strong emotional reaction to all this. It's
why do I care so much about what people that I view as beneath me think
of me. It does not make sense logically. And it makes me feel inferior
on relying on the opinions of other people. But I can't escape it. The
idea that anybody dislikes, judging me, or has an opinion about me that I
don't like is actively distressing.
🟥 Narcissists ALWAYS think you’re judging them
A
lot of times in fairness I do deserve some of opinion. A lot of times
some of these opinions are not even false. But just knowing that people
have those ideas about me, those thoughts about me – I can't handle it.
That someone hold opinion that I don't want them to have will make me
self-destructive. It's so ridiculous saying it out loud. It's pathetic
that I am having those reactions to the bunch of nobody's. All the time.
🟥 Narcissists ALWAYS think you’re judging them
Children take on these beliefs; self referential. It allows children to feel a little more control. “If it's all about me maybe I can do something to change it or get in control of this”. And they make effort, they try very hard, all kinds of tactics to survive. Unfortunate side effect of trying to control is that they have this belief that they're causing the problem. The nominal caretaker has protective parts who recruit child to take care of adult's needy young parts
🟥 Internal Family Systems
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness
Richard C. Schwartz
ask each if there’s anything it wants you to know or if it needs anything—like you might with a child that’s in your care.
most of the time these parts don’t really know you. Instead, they’ve been interacting with other parts in there and they often believe that you are still a young child.
All of this Self-leadership helps them step out of their parentified roles and consider unburdening.
Liberate parts from the roles they’ve been forced into, so they can be who they’re designed to be.
-
neither parts nor people are inherently flawed or destructive.
Parts are little inner beings who are trying their best to keep you safe.
Instead of just being annoyances or afflictions (which they can be while in their extreme roles) they are wonderful inner beings.
-
As you listen to it, you don’t have to agree or disagree—just let the part know that you
respect it, you care about it, you’re there with it, and you hear it. See how it reacts.
-
ask them if they would be willing to give you their input on dilemmas in the future, but then trust you to make the final decision. They would act more like advisors for you, rather than having the responsibility of making bigger decisions
-
We see the same thing play out in international conflicts, as well as within countries,
companies, families, and couples. The more extreme one side gets, the more the other side has to get extreme in the other direction.
-
They’re all good parts forced into roles they don’t like.
They’re all good parts forced into roles they don’t like, they don’t deserve, and they’re eager to leave, but they just don’t think it’s safe enough to do that.
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness
Richard C. Schwartz
After the binge, however, the critic returned with a vengeance, now attacking her for
having binged. This, of course, triggered the young one again and my client was caught once more in that terrible cycle.
-
The big insight was that giving a troubled person a psychiatric diagnosis and seeing that as the sole or main cause of their symptoms was unnecessarily limiting, pathologizing, and could become self-reinforcing.
When you tell a person they are sick and ignore the larger context in which their symptoms make sense, not only do you miss leverage points that could lead to transformation, but you also produce a passive patient who feels defective.
-
nocebo effect) is equally real and powerful. For example, if you believe a sugar pill will make you sick, you’ll probably get sick.
there is ample evidence that our negative expectations of others have a strong negative impact on their behavior or performance.
negative
expectations become self-fulfilling prophesies that further reinforce the negative views, and so on.
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inner world: Going to war against protector parts only makes them stronger
Listening to them and loving them, however, helps them heal and transform.
no longer trying to kill the messenger and instead listening to the message
-
This view—that people have a sinful, aggressive, selfish, impulsive nature that must be controlled by their rational minds —also leads to a profound sense of disconnection from other people and disdain for oneself.
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What if you identified with your Self rather than your exiles? And what if you saw the Self in everyone around you?
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Each part is often shocked to learn that they share the desire to keep the person safe, but their ideas about how to do that are totally different.
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Those burdens impair our ability to function in the world.
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that message: “Just get over it,” for example, or “Stop being so sensitive.” For these young parts, that’s just adding insult to injury
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These delightful inner children are hurt and then abandoned, and we no longer have access to their wonderful qualities. Instead, we assume that it’s part of becoming an adult to no longer feel intense joy, awe, and love.
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Even when they are exiled, their burdens can exert an unconscious effect on our self-esteem, choice of intimate partner, career, and so on.
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They’re behind the overreactions that seem mysterious to us and leave us perplexed as to why certain small things hit us so hard.
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These exiles are what Freud famously called the Id, and he mistakenly assumed they were merely primitive impulses.
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Managers
other parts of you will have to leave their valuable roles to become protectors. It’s like your adolescent parts are pressed into military or police service.
These are the parts that become inner critics.
Managers are parentified inner children.
they are ill-equipped
Other managers don’t want us to feel good about ourselves for fear that we’ll take risks and get hurt.
Mainly, they want to keep us small, because the safest place to be is below the radar.
there are managers who want to belong and to please everyone.
-
Firefighters
resort to desperate measures with little regard for the collateral damage
suicide is an option for some firefighters if other solutions don’t work.
giving your system waves of anxiety or shame
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Self sees, feels, and acts to change injustice, so to not do any of that we need illegal drugs or prescription medications, constantly available media entertainment, all-consuming jobs, and spiritual bypasses
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I still need my firefighters to keep me from fully absorbing what’s happening in the world and devoting all my time and energy to activism.
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exiles, managers, and firefighters—do not describe the essence of your parts. They’re simply the roles these parts were forced into by what happened to you.
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We all have burdens that are committed to keeping us safe and homeostatic.
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We don’t go to exiles without permission from protectors.
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Protectors are maintained by the burdens they carry and by where they are frozen in the past.
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a firefighter might want to use its energy for something healthy and playful rather than on getting you drunk
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We all have burdens that are committed to keeping us safe and homeostatic.
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instead of polarizing the part and initiating a reinforcing feedback loop, try getting curious instead. In my experience, the part just needs to be understood, reassured, and loved.
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manager—the one who blamed her for what happened
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our culture (in general) and psychotherapy (specifically) have made the terrible mistake of assuming that you shake in terror is just a panic attack, and that that’s all they are—destructive impulses, emotions, thought patterns, or mental diseases
When you understand that you are not sick or defective and instead see that you merely have a part playing an extreme role, you’ll feel relieved and comforted.
-
It turned out that the terror was a protector who made a “never again” decision during that time—it would never again let that little girl (the exile it protected) get into that kind of position.
-
ask them, “What do you want to do now?” because they all have a natural desire to do something productive inside of you
-
If your parts are really trusting you to do this, then by now you should be experiencing some of the qualities we’ve been talking about —clarity, the absence of thought, spaciousness, present centeredness, a sense of well-being, connectedness, being in your body, confidence, and so on.
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it’s rare for someone to be in a state of pure Self
-
ego in IFS terms is a cluster of managers who are trying to run your life
The Self also isn’t your observing ego or witness
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my goal would likely be to shame him (Trump) into changing, which—because of the way he reacts to attempts to shame him—would totally backfire.
-
their activism is sometimes protector-led, which can further polarize issues and alienate potential allies
-
amid the terror or the rage, the Self in each of us is always there
-
it’s always better to face your challenges from a place of calm, courage, clarity, and confidence, rather than from scared, dissociating, or impulsive parts
-
When parts unburden, they often immediately sense their original purpose and take on a commensurate new role. When people access Self, they often quickly sense their purpose
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness
Richard C. Schwartz
maintains these unique contributions as it links them together. Integration is more like a
fruit salad than a smoothie
-
it’s still interesting to learn about why it (protector) doesn’t trust you to handle people like that
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It’s important to help your parts trust that they really can rely on you to deal with people and set boundaries that’ll protect them
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The more we unburden our parts, the less we need material things or accolades to fill our emptiness.
-
Physicists noticed that when two things approach each other, they start vibrating at the same frequency—they synchronize.
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First, we find out who we aren’t.
It took me a while to realize that I’m not worthless and pathetic. Those were just beliefs my exiles carried from being raised by a frustrated father
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far from being worthless, I was a lovable and loving man.
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You can reassure those parts in the moment that your mistake doesn’t make you bad and you won’t be punished the way you were as a child.
if you don’t fear your own anger, you’ll be able to stay Self-led when someone’s angry at you.
those critical parts of you have retired or taken on new roles
-
I’m not promising you’ll be Self-led all the time. But even when you’re not, you’ll start to notice that you’re not
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the difficult events and people that trigger you—your tor-mentors. By tormenting you, they mentor you about what you need to heal
-
Remind them that you’re not young and that you can help them too
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to ask those parts to not totally flood us, reassuring them that by not overwhelming us, we’re more likely to listen and help them.
-
When panic attack occurs, I don’t ask the client to take deep breaths, look into my eyes, or feel their feet on the floor. I simply say something like, “I see that a really scared part is here now, and I’d like you to let me talk to it directly.”
-
I’d ask if I could talk directly to the part that was telling him those terrible things. He might initially protest that it wasn’t a part, that it was him, but I can be persistent.
-
it’s also important to know that if a person is afraid, these parts often carry nasty burdens and can have a lot of power to make people hurt themselves and others.
-
your exiles no longer have to use your body to try to get your attention or punish you for ignoring them, because they can get through to you directly.
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parts will deliberately target different vital organs or systems of your body when they can’t get through to you directly. When you won’t listen to a part, it has a limited number of options to get your attention or to punish you if it’s angry with you.
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the more we don’t listen, the more severe the symptoms.
when you refuse to listen, you can turn your parts into inner terrorists, and they will destroy your body if necessary.
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It’s not you who wants to have a symptom, it’s just a little part. Often that part has no clue about the overall damage they’re doing to your body
once you finally listen to that part it will stop doing it to you
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“What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this to my body?”
“Why do you feel like you have to use my body?”
why doesn’t it feel like it can talk to you directly?
“What do you need from me to not have to do this to my body?”
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If you don’t take your parts seriously, you won’t become an effective inner leader or parent.
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lessons like everything deserves love
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Your protectors and theirs will sense the comforting level of Self in the room and will relax, releasing even more embodied Self energy.
If I'm leading with my Self, I'm much more capable of being safe in relationship than if I am leading with a combination of parts who are empathizing with somebody else's pain and will put up with their misbehavior as a result. And parts who then also get enraged and angry and lash out as the result of putting up with that misbehavior.
🟥 Episode 48 - Internal Family Systems Therapy for Shame and Guilt
If my Self is present I am much more capable of understanding the other person but not allowing them to behave abusively toward me, being able to protect myself and call on them, to do better than that. Or stay away from them. Rather than getting into position where I feel responsible for them because they are suffering.
🟥 Episode 48 - Internal Family Systems Therapy for Shame and Guilt
When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all. - Futurama
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Early symptoms of delusional disorder may include:
Feelings of being exploited.
Preoccupation with the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends.
A tendency to read threatening meanings into benign remarks or events.
Persistently holding grudges.
A readiness to respond and react to perceived slights.
-
quotes
Be you, flaws and all. That's the reason why narcissistic mask comes off – is when your flaws start to show. Later down on the road when your flaws start to show... Every single person has flaws. When narcissist see your flaws the mask comes off. Now you are confused. They will lie to you, mislead you, misguide you to get you fall for them. You give up be cause you already like the person. Now you change to fit me.
🟥 Why toxic people fake who they are at first
Toxic people are shame based. They have been taught that in their childhood that their value is based on how they perform, what they do for someone else, how good they are. They weren't necessarily taught a structure like non shame based people were taught – that's usually more ethically morally grounded and more logical.
Guilt based people (non shame) do something and if it contravenes value system they readily apologize.
🟥 "Toxic" people; Identifying them and healing.
Shame and guilt are master emotions that are connected to the conscience. A shame-based person, if the do something wrong, will not necessarily apologize. Because there will be internal reason for why they have done that. And they are not aware necessarily of the external structures that they have breached or why they're important. Guilt based person has been taught as child what is right and wrong, objectively.
🟥 "Toxic" people; Identifying them and healing.
Non shame based person will often readily apologize and come across with appearance of integrity. Because they recognize that their behavior has been not in line what's socially acceptable. Then when shame based person comes across guilt based person, the guilt based person may perceive the shame based person as “toxic”. It's just that internal operating system of shame based person has been conditioned differently.
🟥 "Toxic" people; Identifying them and healing.
You'll find that shame based people are people pleasers. They have been taught that their value is based on what they can do for other people. Their rationalization of their actions is always externally motivated. Don't have internal locus of control. They will project their actions onto other people because they believe the reason of doing something is right because they were doing it at the behest of someone else.
🟥 "Toxic" people; Identifying them and healing.
Behest – because someone may not told someone who is shame based 'I want you to do this for me'. A shame based person in search of validation may well do something that they think is going to make another person happy, unasked for, in search of validation. And when guilt-based person does not respond, as shame based person was expecting them, they are punished. Labeled as user without realizing shame based are users themselves.
🟥 "Toxic" people; Identifying them & healing
Often shame based person comes from an undifferentiated family structure which means they have no boundaries. Shame based person will do anything and everything for you often unsolicited because they don't have enough boundaries to protect themselves from abuse of their generosity. When burn, they will blame other people for things they done willingly and unsolicited. Guilt based person will see shame based as non standard and exhausting
🟥 "Toxic" people; Identifying them
It is highly draining to have shame based person because shame based person requires validation. Because as a child a shame based person was taught that their value is based on their contribution to other people. Their self-esteem is based on how other people validate them. If a guilt based person is not validating a shame based person, they will move on to the next person that does. “Toxic” is not permanent state of affairs. People can heal from shame.
🟥 "Toxic" people;
Your decision to whether you should cut off a toxic or a shame based person is entirely predicated on whether they can heal (and they can), or decide they take ownership for the trouble that they are causing. Because shame based people know that they are causing problems. They are not ignorant of their own internal world, and conditions, but they are in so much pain, they feel so bad about themselves, can't get their needs met sufficiently.
🟥 "Toxic" people;
Your boundaries are entirely up to you. How you treat a shame based person is based on their role in your life, how toxic they are, and how willing are you to tolerate and their willingness to change. Because they can change. How to identify toxic person: they are people pleaser, lack character, accountability, integrity, ownership, they blame things on other people, tend to be victim, locus is external. What they do for other people give them self of sense that they are worthy
🟥 "Toxic" people
Guilt based non shamed: “Not good enough grade, try harder”. A shame based person is going to internalize that as if they've done the wrong thing, they are a bad person, that person is unhappy with me therefore I am a bad person and I need to try harder to make the other person happy with me to feel worthy. Guilt based person will think, that grade is measurable, I can improve.
🟥 "Toxic" people
Guilt-based person is going to feel guilty for not studying hard enough but they won't think that's reflective of them personally. Shame-based person may fall into a hole: I feel terrible about myself, I must be a terrible person. A shame-based person is all dependent on how someone responded to external indicators of worth. Therefore shame-based person should not be judged. Society may label this behavior as “toxic”.
🟥 "Toxic" people
It (toxic) was something that they learned in their formative years. They are not responsible for how they were conditioned how to behave. They are responsible for their behavior as an adult though. Shame-based person knows what they are doing. They are wholly accountable for their action. You can hold shame-based person to account. And a shame based person can change. Adult – they have choice.
🟥 "Toxic" people
Unless they are tied to a personality disorder – if a shame-based action is independent of a personality disorder, they can change. Treating a borderline is exceptionally difficult. So you have to understand their shame based behavior differently. A toxic person that has a personality disorder is entirely different from a toxic person that has no presenting personality disorder.
🟥 "Toxic" people
We need our Managers but we don't need them to be harsh. “If you only be this or that, shut up, why don't you improve” so that you are socially acceptable. Response to this inhibition comes as shame. There are parts that are more dis-inhibited who start to try to balance out all that inhibition and harshness with distractions and things that are soothing in very short run to turn off the critic. These things become costly if extreme.
🟥 Internal Family Systems Therapy
The conclusion that these parts came through – as children they're very self-referential in their way of understanding the world, they conclude “I, there is something wrong with me” “I am defective” “I have burdened somebody else” “I am too much, I am bad, evil”. They are often told that if there is abusive adult in their sphere in a very explicit way – you are making me do this.
Kids don't have perspective as adults to see what motivates
🟥 Internal Family Systems Therapy
Children take on these beliefs; self referential. It allows children to feel a little more control. “If it's all about me maybe I can do something to change it or get in control of this”. And they make effort, they try very hard, all kinds of tactics to survive. Unfortunate side effect of trying to control is that they have this belief that they're causing the problem. The nominal caretaker has protective parts who recruit child to take care of adult's needy young parts
🟥 Internal Family Systems
If I'm leading with my Self, I'm much more capable of being safe in relationship than if I am leading with a combination of parts who are empathizing with somebody else's pain and will put up with their misbehavior as a result. And parts who then also get enraged and angry and lash out as the result of putting up with that misbehavior.
🟥 Episode 48 - Internal Family Systems Therapy for Shame and Guilt
He feels guilty, he has a part that tells him that he ought to be rescuing this person at his own expense. Being objective about what is working and what is not in a clinical setting. It takes a lot of trust to really welcome these parts. Because some of them are threatening suicide, or engaging in destructive behavior, addictions, raging at other people. Some parts reactive – firefighter, they knock out house to put out fire, reactive.
🟥 Internal Family Systems Therapy
If we try to prevent these parts and vilify them or pathologize them, they will think we don't understand them with good reason.
We can help Manager part who gets scared understandably of these parts to step back and let us with curiosity and compassion and courage to take the lead with these parts. Not to control them, genuinely have to offer what is better than what they are doing.
They do what will slowly kill them. They want options
🟥 Internal Family Systems Therapy
We have older parts who are perfectly capable of handling a lot of things in life, take over. So that we don't have a 5-year old who's trying to take care of everybody or 8-year old trying to stop you from feeling feelings. So you want to get these kids off the hook. And you don't want them working. So I try not to use word “work” about therapy. It's not work, it's inquiry. We have as much playfulness and humor and curiosity in exploration rather than work.
🟥 Internal FS
“My boss did xy or z and I'm mad”. Invitation would be not to focus on boss and his behavior. Because boss isn't there to talk about their motivation, and they're not there to be influenced. What we are saying – when your boss does that, what happens inside of you? Which parts start responding to a situation and how and why? That leads to vulnerable parts.
Reigniting something that comes from early experience. Trail-heads and follow to take care of vulnerable parts
🟥 IFS
Trail to those vulnerable parts. If you don't take care of those vulnerable parts you're living in a house where you have children locked in the basement who are crying, lonely, terrified, desperate and pay no attention to them. There is cost to that. It gets all those protective parts to start behaving in extreme ways even if they mean well. Get those kids out, there is nothing wrong with them. There's grown up here now to take care.
🟥 Internal Family Systems Therapy
Know the difference between adaptive guilt – appropriate guilt: I did wrong, so I make repair. And guilt that is not deserved: you feel guilty even if you did not transgress. People who grow up in dysfunctional families where they feel that their happiness and success is at expense of somebody else (survivor guilt). Or pursuit of normal developmental goals is at expense of somebody else (separation guilt). They haven't done something wrong.
🟥 Internal Family Systems
When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all. - Futurama
Arguing =\= fighting and both are only a specific type of conflict.
Believing that any type of conflict will degenerate into arguing or fighting is the root of the problem.
YT gus2603
Most of us are not built to live in a volatile and constantly explosive situation. That means slowly stepping back from fights. But your ego may mean you take some fights. Related to True North (you value something, not let them insisting being wrong about what is right). All human being have ego. You might have it on sleep mode - It is not just disappear, you can't park ego somewhere else.
🟥 How narcissistic relationships SILENCE your EGO, DoctorRamani
Once you understand narcissism, your ego is at much better place. You may be discerning about the fights you take. You may be able to know who you are – and stop listening to their invalidating diet tribes. You may be able to lean to your ego strength and be well possessed of your perceptions, and experiences and frankly reality. You know you've been gaslighted, not wondering if you were wrong.
You are aware that they will never see you clearly.
🟥 DoctorRamani
Make yourself uninteresting to them. I'm checked out with them. I don't share much with them. I sort smile politely and nod. I don't kid myself about the relationship. I don't have fantastical hopes that they've changed. You don't notice when they do the thing to bait you – that is good way to outplay them.
🟥 DoctorRamani
#Narcissistic mortification
I'm sometimes afraid of going outside because I'm afraid that my neighbors are going to see me and then judge me for my yard not being good. I just assume people are judging me all the time. You bring a complaint to narcissist or something that's hurting you in any way – concern, pity, we always assume this is you judging us and telling us we have to be better.
🟥 Narcissists ALWAYS think you’re judging them
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRvaYTtstuY
I was in this head space of everyone thinks I'm weak and pathetic and they're judging me. I'm lashing out at people left and right. I had to call my buddies and you don't hate me, right? I'm convinced that I'm laughing stock everywhere because I feel like a failure all the time. This constant feeling of just everyone thinks you're not good enough, everyone thinks you're pathetic and I can't escape it.
🟥 Narcissists ALWAYS think you’re judging them
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRvaYTtstuY
It's insane that I have this strong emotional reaction to all this. It's why do I care so much about what people that I view as beneath me think of me. It does not make sense logically. And it makes me feel inferior on relying on the opinions of other people. But I can't escape it. The idea that anybody dislikes, judging me, or has an opinion about me that I don't like is actively distressing.
🟥 Narcissists ALWAYS think you’re judging them
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRvaYTtstuY
A lot of times in fairness I do deserve some of opinion. A lot of times some of these opinions are not even false. But just knowing that people have those ideas about me, those thoughts about me – I can't handle it. That someone hold opinion that I don't want them to have will make me self-destructive. It's so ridiculous saying it out loud. It's pathetic that I am having those reactions to the bunch of nobody's. All the time.
🟥 Narcissists ALWAYS think you’re judging them
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRvaYTtstuY
#arguing conflict disagree
Personality disorder affects people's thinking, if affects their behavior, it affects their mood. They're interpersonal disorders. Depression, anxiety, substance abuse – person is having problem separate from their environment. With personality disorder it shows up in close relationship, during crisis, dealing with authority, people start to have all or nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, screaming and you
thought you have normal conversation.
� High Conflict Institute
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0xhXw8MyBM
With personality disorder people are in touch with reality but they put a spin on it. Like all-or-nothing thinking, jumping to conclusions, like blaming other people for their own behavior. Understanding they don't have as much control over their personality as the average person does. Arguing, blaming them just make things worse. Stuck pattern in personal behavior, think of it as a relationship disorder.
� High Conflict Institute
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0xhXw8MyBM
All of the high conflict people tend to have charming potential. And that's why in dating we tell people wait a year before you make a major commitment like getting married, buying a house or having a child. Because you maybe just not seeing the whole person that over the course of 12 months you usually see the whole person. But over 3 months or 6, you don't know. This may be someone who hits you, someone who blames you a lot.
� High Conflict Institute
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0xhXw8MyBM
But at first they're charming, friendly, ordinary. They're very ordinary in most ways. But when you get close is when you eventually start seeing. Personality disorder is basically about close relationship behavior.
What later is understood as control, may initially start as charm or protective and a hero, taking care and being a leader. It was there all the time just seen very differently in the beginning.
� High Conflict Institute
High conflict people and people with personality disorders don't have self-awareness. They don't really look at themselves and that's why they are stuck. They don't change the part that they can change. You can't change another person, only your part, how you interact with other people. 80, 90% of people say oops, what did I do wrong there, what can I do different in the future. That's a big thing that personality disordered people don't do.
� High Conflict Institute
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0xhXw8MyBM
You can't point this out to them because you'll trigger incredible defensiveness and blame. They'll blame you and say It's you. "It's all your fault". They'll tend to be blaming. The other half make their lives difficult. We need to have compassion for them. There's no point in arguing with them about that. Set limits on them, "I need to go now". Anti-social may punish you for splitting up with them. Have your
eyes open.
� High Conflict Institute
Addressing symptoms is not fixing a problem.
YT tyrone6820
Because I don't know why I'm doing those things in the first place, I might start to feel like I just have these character defects. I just have these compulsions that I don't understand. When in reality we just don't know how to regulate around our core emotions because we don't have access to them because they have become shame-bound.
We're telling ourselves story our emotions don't make sense. I'll get shamed even further and labeled as weak.
🟥 Toxic Shame, Heidi Priebe
You are not inherently broken, flawed, weird, messed up or any of those things you might be telling yourself at your core. You just developed compensatory mechanism on top of compensatory mechanism for trying to regulate yourself when you did not have access to skills that would help you regulate directly.
🟥 Toxic Shame, Heidi Priebe
All of these things developed as a result of believing that core emotions that everybody has are inherently wrong and that you are bad for feeling it. If you can start to understand how many things grew out of that initial misunderstanding you're going to be able to give yourself a lot more grace. And stop thinking about patterns of behavior that you are ashamed of as moral flaws – and see them as best attempt of coping within a system.
🟥 Toxic Shame, Heidi Priebe
There is no world where we just don't feel anger, sadness, lust, excitement, joy, all these emotions that are core to the human experience. Most of us experience them daily. And so if they are shame-bound, and we're always pushing them down, calling them wrong things and taking counter actions, we are going to be dis-regulated daily.
Learn how to resolve things directly rather than sending them underground into this convoluted system, sideways
🟥 Toxic Shame, Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxBm9r2tpyY
Just like social anxiety, shame can be result of not living up to this external standard that we see: somebody else's values. So an important part of working on shame is getting our values and acting in accordance with them. That's how we start to develop a sense of self-esteem. It is not easy understanding what our own values are. When we act in congruence with our values, we see our self worth go up. Our sense of agency, use our wise mind.
🟥 How to overcome shame, Whelm
Be the most authentic we can be. For our whole lifetime. When we get to be the most authentic version of ourselves, then we feel in alignment, we feel connected, we feel like we have purpose and meaning in our lives. Knowing that we are listening and taking seriously and following the truth that lives inside.
🟥 Intro to IFS (Internal Family Systems)
The World Health Organization (WHO) defines mental health as "a state of well-being in which the individual realizes their own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to their community".
Kinnu app
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Masking doesn't even work. I'm working my ass off over here to try be someone that you're gonna accept, that's gonna be palatable for you – and yet I'm still rejected and I'm still marginalized. One of my friend said it seems like I'm now in my villain era. And I think that's perfect description of where I am right now because maybe it's time that other people did feel a little bit uncomfortable.
🟥 Masking is a Trauma Response
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H930vD5mql
-
Don't forget what happened to a man who suddenly got whatever he always wanted.
- What happened?
- He lived happily ever after.
🎞️ Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)
-
If you're telling another adult, not a child, you're doing a thing, it is painful for me, and for others. I would like you to stop. And they don't –
you have the right to give up. If your compassion button is broken to “on”, by the way this is not compassion, that's not a choice – that is
neurotic response. You don't have to allow (give space, permit) and accept abuse from another adult. Not all rebellion, obedience is
good. It's context specific.
� RICHARD GRANNON
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATqYCbb2eqs
-
Thinking that like I'm immune, that I can be around highly narcissistic people and it's not going to hurt me and it's not going to affect me,
and is not going to do me a damage. If it is abusive, if it is consistent, if you asked them to stop and they haven't – don't assume that
they are a wounded child who can't escape own suffering. Try a different assumption. Ask – is it adaptive or maladaptive? Do they suffer
or people around them suffer because of their disorder?
Because if they're not suffering from their disorder that means it's not maladaptive. And that means it isn't really a personality disorder.
How do you know they're suffering? Is it possible that they don't really suffer? It is possible that they actually are having a pretty good
time? Their lives are mess, they live slovenly, their finances are mess but is it possible that they are actually having a pretty good time?
Enjoying this chaos, being predator
� RICHARD GRANNON
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Stop gaslighting yourself and culture gaslight you into thinking it's your responsibility to help people with mental health issues. There are
highly qualified, very high IQ people with Master's degrees and PhD's, who are medical doctors who are out there trying to do this and
failing. Meanwhile you're holding down a job or you're so sick from the effect of abuse you can't work – and you're going to try to fix this?
No. That's not my job.
� RICHARD GRANNON
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATqYCbb2eqs
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"If you are a decent person, you suffer when you realize that you've been unkind."
Whenever you get labeling from other people it always raises the issue of self doubt. “You're just a codependent”. “You have tons of
issues in that area” I might, but what you accusing me of really didn't happen. I may in fact be codependent but it doesn't mean
everything I perceive is wrong. Thirdly, it never happened. “I never said that”. They'll rewrite, edit history. Child thinks, I am not important.
Appeal to authority – believe what I am say
Jerry Wise MA, MS, CLC
YT "Ways Narcissistic Parents Gaslight You and Destroy Your Self-Trust"
"beware of having empathy for the narcissist.
it's like giving a gunshooter extra bullets to finish you off, in case they missed wiping you out the first time."
What is an example of an intrusive person?
Intrusiveness violates a person's space or privacy, habitually encroaching beyond social norms or the recipient's stated boundaries and
limits. Infringements such as looking through belongings, eavesdropping, habitually giving unwanted opinions, advice, or comments, and
“checking up” are types of intrusions.
Abusive, Intrusive, Neglectful - Dr. Mark Steinberg
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Its easier to fool someone than to convince them they have been fooled.
YT samuelterrito4113
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You cannot alter yourself to be better. You cannot change yourself in any meaningful way. You are who you are fundamentally, profoundly.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dwes1kXq9U
Anyone who tells you that he has a solution, a cure, a system, a therapy, a course, framework, religion, love, empathy or rules for life – is a glorified con-artist. Probably a psychopathic narcissist. And anyone who tells you this is out for your money and adulation. He seeks either narcissistic supply or power, or money. They want your subservient admiration and everything you have, because they are merciless and callous, & they are very sick people.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dwes1kXq9U
There is nothing to be found. It's all delusions, confabulations, fairytales, fantasies, and outright lies. And the people who propagate them and the people who perpetrate them and people who promulgate them – they are scammers. They are cheating you and they know they are doing this. You're replacing manageable problem how to embrace accept life as it is, with an even bigger one. Always prefer what is true to what is working. World is hopeless.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dwes1kXq9U8
It's counterintuitive. But nothing is more harmful for your health – than hope. Nothing in your life is more dangerous to your life, well-being and health than hope. It's the greatest, toxic, venomous poison ever invented by the human mind. Because hope brings up expectations – leads to frustrations, depression and mental illness forms. Hope is not real, it is counterfactual. Reality is hopeless. Have no expectations, just be.
Focus on living.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dwes1kXq9U8
Embrace nothingness. Nothingness is an anti-dote to narcissism.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dwes1kXq9U8
Nothingness is boundaries. This is realization that this is where I end and the world begins. This is far more important than how rich you are, how famous you are, and what is your position among other. Be you. And only you. Become nothing socially, so that you become everything individually. You could be multi-billionaire, a rock star. Are you happy?
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XY_j68evjmM
Psychosis is when we generate internal objects and then pretend that they are external. We invent god and believe in it. We conjure nation states and then we die for it. We adopt beliefs and values and we defend them. We think internal objects are external. When we defend our values, sacrifice for our beliefs. Confuse fiction with reality. Beliefs values are culture dependend – not real.
We integrate with something bigger than ourselves for a meaning.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XY_j68evjmM
Nothingness is not about becoming a nobody. It's not about giving up on your own personal life. Nothingness is about giving up on pretentions, ambition, the rat race, giving up on other people's values. Giving up on narcissism. Giving up on grandiosity. Giving up on constantly comparing yourself to others. Number of likes. It is social context. It is asserting yourself as individual. Separation from humanity. Giving up on anything that is not you.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XY_j68evjmM
You can choose to be healthy, to have a Self, and to be doomed to existential solipsistic loneliness. Or you can choose to be a narcissist to embrace the world and to be in principle capable of interacting with the world. A narcissist would not engage in love. He would engage in fantasy. We sacrifice Self for social media, but now we are capable only of fantasy. We prefer not to be lonely.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8FllW5awaU
Because we gave all our functions to other people, inside we have dead objects. And this is what allows us to function inside this death cult. To function in this civilization that worships the dead and dead objects, inanimate, material objects, prefers them to human beings. Objectifies human beings, en-frames them. If you're alive in this civilization, you are ill adapted, it's maladaptation.
We never become. We are not there, nobody's home.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8FllW5awaU
We have to accept these inevitable cycles. Where rebellion against these cycles is futile. And it is this rebellion that creates all the friction and the violence and the aggression and dysfunction and mental health illness. Mental health is context dependent. That's why my philosophy is Nothingness. It's Gandhian philosophy of non-resistance. I think we can reduce 99% of mental illnesses (with exception biochemical) to futile resistance. Stop to resist
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VF0dNuIuMXM
The minute you stop resisting, the minute you stop fighting you restore inner calm and inner peace. And a lot of mental illness symptoms disappear. These mental illness symptoms have to do with frustration, with expectation, with hope, with narratives, with derivatives of narratives like prescriptive: you should do this, you shouldn't do this. It's all context related. Mental illness is totally contextual. Remove context and you remove illness.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VF0dNuIuMXM
Tendency for personal victimhood (TIV) – feeling that the Self is a victim which is generalized across many kinds of relationships. You feel it all the time. You generalize this feeling of victim in all relationships. You tend to find yourself victimized, or so you believe. You seem to attract abusers. (empath and magnet and other nonsense). This is actually eternal victim stance.
TIV has moral superiority, moral elitism. Empaths lack empathy like narcs.
🟥 Prof Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmhOPnWN4-0
All narcissists, even high-functioning, productive, successful, accomplished narcissists they are all collapsed narcissists in their own mind. Because they are faced with unattainable unrealistic goals. They have inner voice which is perfectionist. When your aim is perfection and nothing less, when you strive and aspire to be godlike – you are bound to fail. You are setting yourself up for failure. Never mind how much you possess, you still feel failure.
🟥 Prof Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmhOPnWN4-0
All trauma is narcissistic reaction. The narcissist considers external objects as internal. Same happens in trauma. The trauma is an internal experience – it has no external element. We experience it as external. We confuse internal and external – our reaction is narcissistic. We digest the event, merge, fuse – which explains why codependents are very often traumatized. Take situation, internalize it and continue interact with internal object: narcissism
🟥 Prof Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmhOPnWN4-0
Confidence is not walking into a room thinking you’re better than everyone, its walking into a room not comparing yourself to anyone at all.
YT LivingALifeOfAbundance
Social anxiety happens when you value other people’s opinions more than your own
YT consciousandaware
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Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
feel safe with other people = mental health
The single most important issue for traumatized people is to find a sense of safety in their own bodies.
🟦 Bessel A. van der Kolk
Unlike other forms of psychological disorders, the core issue in trauma is reality. Bessel A. van der Kolk
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Symptoms of C-PTSD:
- Emotional distress (dysregulation)
- Disturbing Somatic Sensations
- Cognitive distortions (inaccurate beliefs)
- interpersonal problems
- health problems (ACE study)
- Avoidance or Overwhelm
Defend Survivors
@defendsurvivors
You’re not helping a survivor if you only want to talk to them about their ‘healing’. Care about them as a whole person and not just how you think you can ‘fix’ them.
#supportsurvivors
She had consistently harbored concerns regarding societal perceptions and was fixated on her father's disapproval. Virginia came to understanding via therapy that her social anxiety was a reflection of her childhood role in which she endeavored ceaselessly to earn her father's affection. Her panic attacks indicated she was started to doubt the authority figure is at all times belief she had held since childhood.
📖 Lindsay C. Gibson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mdv9nL4UFA
the more we don’t listen, the more severe the symptoms.
when you refuse to listen, you can turn your parts into inner terrorists, and they will destroy your body if necessary.
📖 No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model (2021)
by Richard Schwartz Ph.D. (Author), Alanis Morissette (Introduction)
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Narcissists actually abandon their true Selves in childhood for an ego. And the ego is a mind-made construct. You actually are dealing with someone that believes they are their minds. So you're dealing with a captain that abandoned their ship. Narcissists are people that are identifying with their mind. If we think of a mind as a tool, screwdriver, then they believe they are the screwdriver. Their willpower is weak and underdeveloped.
🟥 How People Become Narcissists
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leU--0sn-C8
#exposure
"If you have been the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system, the concept of setting a boundary is laughable. You would be telling them exactly how to hurt you, and they would happily oblige. Also, trying to set a boundary in a calm and tactful way would be met by resistance in the form of mocking and ridicule, attempting to bait the scapegoat into anger, which would prove you are the problem."
YT kingbee9778
#exposure #boundary
"I feel gaslighted by the therapy mantras of “ you have to teach people how to treat you “ ,(setting boundaries). No you don’t and no you can’t. First of all, it’s not my job to teach an adult how to behave like one and quite frankly, it’s a trap and a drain hole. Secondly, I DON’T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE. They will do what they want, especially if they have the tiniest ounce of power over you."
YT gertrudewest4535
Narcissism and Autism Spectrum Disorder.
People diagnosed with autism (ASD) may be misdiagnosed, elsewhere, with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Another suggestion is that NPD is a milder form of Asperger's, called high-functioning ASD (HFA) or autism without intellectual impairment.
https://medium.com/ramblers/narcissism
Effects of narcissistic abuse can be long-lasting if a person cannot distance themselves from the narcissist.
(chossing therapy)
#criticism
Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.
BILL GATES
#boundaries
Be you, flaws and all. That's the reason why narcissistic mask comes off – is when your flaws start to show. Later down on the road when your flaws start to show... Every single person has flaws. When narcissist see your flaws the mask comes off. Now you are confused. They will lie to you, mislead you, misguide you to get you fall for them. You give up be cause you already like the person. Now you change to fit me.
🟥 Why toxic people fake who they are at first
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_ndLQP74Wo
“I feel like every time I try something, I'm a bad girl”. This is real example of how a mistake was made but it became a piece of identity. Creating an environment where we give feedback and not criticism, creating culture of gentle honesty – creating a structure how you give feedback or correction in your home.
🟥 Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) with ADHD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4F72Hw_kto
So called "mild" autism doesn't mean one experiences autism mildly. It means you experience their autism mildly. You may not know how hard they've worked to get to the level they are.
(adam walton)
Andrew Thomas Cicchetti, Ph.D. (Cis, He/Him)
@AndrewCicchett1
Client: He knows this really hurts me, why does he always do this.
Therapist: You answered your own question.
Although often overlooked, sensitivity to emotions is one of the most common symptoms of high functioning autism. These individuals can function in day-to-day life but struggle to control their emotions the same way that neurotypical, or non-autistic people, are able to do. For example, a frustrating morning experience like running out of milk or being cut off while driving can cause irritability and difficulty concentrating for the rest of the day.
https://www.appliedbehavioranalysisprogram
#self-improvement
In a dying culture, narcissism appears to embody - in the guise of personal "growth" and "awareness" - the highest attainment of spiritual enlightenment. The custodians of culture hope, at bottom, merely to survive its collapse.
Christopher Lasch
I don’t think social anxiety is regression. On the contrary, it’s progression in being more aware of our surroundings, of other people’s thoughts and looking at us, of being judged, the possibility of being touched or talked to, etc.
It’s very normal for social anxiety to progressively get worse from toddlerhood through puberty.
YT Java-D
You can literally talk to my subconscious. That's one of the ways we extract information from the subject.
- How else do you do it?
- By creating something secure, like a bank vault or a jail. The mind automatically fills it with information it's trying to protect.
🎞️ Inception (2010)
Problem number 2: In physics I can replicate the experiment as many times and keep getting same answer. But when I analyze you as test subject, you're not the same. If I test you today and conduct tomorrow, you're no longer the same subject. The very fact I'm conducting the test on you, changes you. We don't have in psychology entities to study. Because the entities are kaleidoscopic. They change every split second. Shape shifting sands we experiment on
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70gg_b3h2pg
Psychology has two major problems. It deals with fictions. Such as individual–ego, mind, consciousness. And it treats those fictions as if they were not fictions but real life entities. This is delusional disorder, under DSM. Psychology is a bit psychotic pseudoscience. It deals exclusively with entities that are totally abstract and has no validation as oppose to physics. In psychology everything is total invention. Cannot be proved with any experiment
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70gg_b3h2pg
We all are subjected to disrespect, to insults, to mistreatment, to insults, to mistreatment, to abuse and to injustice. This is an integral part of life, as people experience friction with each other. But most people shrug it off. “It was unwarranted, but I'll let it go.” Other people get stuck. They keep rehashing the incident, they hold grudges, they ruminate and they persistently paint themselves as victim. It's personality construct. Make sense of.
🟥 Prof Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmhOPnWN4-0
Personality construct is a set of traits and behaviors that go together & appear in variety of settings you have same traits and behaviors manifesting in a variety of unrelated settings and across the lifespan. It's not unique to a specific period, it's not reactive to something bad. People who persistently see themselves as victims in interpersonal conflicts; narcissists are hypervigilant. They scan environment all the time. Is someone disrespecting me
🟥 Prof Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmhOPnWN4-0
- No. Because people are not reacting with introspection and reflection & analysis. People are reacting with fear and above all they are reacting with enhanced narcissism. The analysis comes much later and it is reserve of intellectuals. The masses never react with soul-searching, thinking, introspection. Masses react with collective narcissism. Which very fast becomes collective psychopathy. Degenerate via agency of demagogs to total psychopathic state
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VF0dNuIuMXM
There is nothing to be found. It's all delusions, confabulations, fairytales, fantasies, and outright lies. And the people who propagate them and the people who perpetrate them and people who promulgate them – they are scammers. They are cheating you and they know they are doing this. You're replacing manageable problem how to embrace accept life as it is, with an even bigger one. Always prefer what is true to what is working. World is hopeless.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dwes1kXq9U8
You feel this way for rational reasons. I never viewed it as an anxiety disorder. My friend started to view it as an anxiety disorder and he got f*ing panic attacks. I never got panic attacks. Cuz I never viewed panic attack as problem. I didn't even think about it. You wait, and it goes. You can't get addicted to something if you don't learn about it cuz you just move on.
🟥 Jay - Quit PMO
Social interaction is not suppose to be performance. It's suppose to be something you enjoy. Forget about the other person even enjoying it. It should just be something you enjoy. If your focus is that it's something you enjoy, the other person will most likely enjoy it as well. You feel like you need to walk on egg-shelves. Person may leave you, blow up on you, or take some sort of revenge.
🟥 Taeed the Spirit
The daily facade of perfection on social media, amplifies her social anxiety, pushing her to be an idealized version of herself. Negative thoughts loomed over my mind until I realized that no one cared but me. Unlike shyness, social anxiety interferes with an individual's ability to perform daily chores or make conversation. Art and dance were healthy way to displace my anxiety. You define your own worth and no one else.
🟥 TEDx Talks
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Someone's intelligence can be measured by the quantity of uncertainties that he can bear.
Immanuel Kant
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I say in the broken heart marketplace – give a broken heart 6 weeks to eight weeks, maybe even three months, they'll always going to resolve, but the feeling crazy part that doesn't go away until somebody gives you a blueprint, a map – a way to kind of navigate out of the mess.
🟥 Strategies Narcissists Use To Minimize Your Self Trust, featuring Dr. Ramani Durvasula
One of the essential ingredients to gaslighting –it is predicated on trust or connection or attachment. We want to be close to gaslighter. It's the only way it can work. Because if a stranger gaslighted me or someone I don't care about, I'm like leave me alone, get the hell away from me. I could take that stance. But if it's someone I love or care about I'm not going to be that dismissive. I trust them so there will be plausibility to what they say.
🟥 Surviving Narcissism
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9DyAeeST5Q
In the early phases of gaslighting, people usually fight back. They'll say no, that is absolutely not true and we push back. The problem is, Robin Stern talks about this process. The challenge is that when we push back, gaslighting isn't lying. If we catch someone in lie and we give them the evidence of lie, then the liar will say you got me. Gaslighter will never going to cop to it. They don't try deny evidence, they try to dismantle you.
🟥 Surviving Narcissism
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9DyAeeST5Q
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We tend to behave in ways more to minimize disapproval rather than maximize disapproval. We tend to avoid losses more than we want to gain wins. Shame is belief that there is something wrong with ourselves. Not that we did something wrong. But that we ourselves are wrong with us, that we are lesser. Anytime there is difference how we see ourselves and standards we think we have to live up to – we experience shame. We carry it, ingrained part
🟥 How to overcome shame, Whelm
We really have to work very hard at changing our programming because we don't understand we're upset because someone else has a perception of us that we're uncomfortable with. And we challenge this person's perception of us. We're upset that people think this about us. Something amazing happens when you begin to accept that other people are allowed to have their own faulty perception of you.
🟥 Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life coaCh Inc.
But burying it doesn't necessarily take away the fundamental issues that they're dealing with, feeling vulnerable and insecure. They feel less as a man. They're afraid to show depressions, sadness, fear. But it's still affecting them, and because they've been told that they're not supposed to have these feelings as men, they experience this as shame.
🟥 Shame as an Origin of Toxic Masculinity
Inauthentic people have unrealistic perceptions of reality, looking for others for approval and validation, being judgmental, not thinking things through, not learning from mistakes, and being unable to express emotions clearly or understand their motivations. That definition comes from Psychology Today. That sound like narcissism. What is confusing is so many narcissistic folks think of themselves as authentic. Authentic is showing up as me, not brand.
🟥 DoctorRamani
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Young American explained why she left Croatia:
"In Croatia people constantly express intrusive opinion about matters which are none of their business. The most irritating things were rude people."
https://www.poslovni.hr/lifestyle/amerikanka-napusta-hrvatsku-neucinkovitost-i-birokracija-te-ljudi-koji-nemaju-motiva-za-napredovanjem-u-poslu-358422
Young American explained why she escaped from Croatia:
"Often I heard Croats intruding why am I eating something, or commenting about what I wore. There is no such thing in America, we allow people to be what they want to be."
https://www.vecernji.hr/showbiz/amerikanka-u-hrvatskoj-iznenadila-objavom-ljudi-su-ovdje-cudni-kao-da-sam-u-losoj-vezi-1351757
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1 We ask ourselves how do I appear to other people. Their family, friends and even to random people in the street. 2 We answer the question what must other people think of me. Do we come across as funny, shy, kind, caring. Standoffish or awkward or don't care. 3 We develop feelings about ourselves based on our impressions of their evaluations and observations of us. This is where it gets confusing. Cooley believes we are not actually influenced
🟥 The Looking Glass Self
Cooley believes we are not actually influenced by the opinions of others but instead what we are being influenced by is what we imagine the opinions of these people to be. These perceptions could be both correct or incorrect and that can be dangerous as we develop our self identities based off of those perceptions of how other people are seeing us. What we think someone things of us in actuality may not be true.
🟥 The Looking Glass Self
The looking glass tells us that our identity, our self concept how we view ourselves as people is not just made up of how other people see us but how we think other people see us. That is the looking glass.
🟥 The Looking Glass Self
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This phenomena of worrying what thoughts other have about us is concept discovered 100 years ago by sociologist Charles Horton Cooley:
"The looking-glass self describes the process wherein individuals base their sense of self on how they believe others view them. Using social interaction as a type of “mirror,” people use the judgments they receive from others to measure their own worth, values, and behavior."
(lesley university)
So we need to accept other people's thoughts conclusions about us in order to heal.
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We really have to work very hard at changing our programming because we don't understand we're upset because someone else has a perception of us that we're uncomfortable with. And we challenge this person's perception of us. We're upset that people think this about us. Something amazing happens when you begin to accept that other people are allowed to have their own faulty perception of you.
🟥 Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life coaCh Inc.
What other people think of me is not my business. What I do is what I do. How people see me doesn't change what I decide to do.
🟦 Ru Paul
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DSM doesn't explain anything. So many therapies and particularly CBT and others are just so focused on extinguishing symptoms which were once strategies of survival. And it doesn't make sense that you want to extinguish – we want eventually to move away from these symptoms and these strategies but I certainly don't want to pathologize them or look at them as somehow defective because they have saved our lives.
🟥 Transforming Trauma Episode 21 IFS & NARM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRTHacVAwdk
I'll mention OCD where Exposure therapy is kind like “go-to” treatment which from my perspective is the opposite direction. Because there again it's trying to extinguish these symptoms that are saving our lives / have saved our lives, without really understanding what it's that's driving that dynamic. We want to understand what's driving any particular kind of behavior or reaction and not just get rid of it because 1) it doesn't work and 2) it's not very kind
🟥 IFS & NARM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRTHacVAwdk
Being nice to you on a day that is good day for them is not empathy – that's a coincidence. Don't confuse the two. Empathy is not “I feel for you” and “That must have been hard”. It's bunch of micro things that we do in response to person who is going through something. It's not just the word, it is emotions on person's face, slowing down and listening to you. They actually try to do something to help you. Attuned enough to other people and respond.
🟥 DoctorRamani
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mjHoRp2NJo
This is a common error that people make. Social perceptiveness is not the same as empathy. In fact, this is why the entire realm of emotional intelligence and narcissism can get really thorny. Because in their fashion the narcissistic people are very emotionally intelligent. They wouldn't be so successful if they weren't. Exception are vulnerable narcissists who don't have this skill. All other sub-types of narcissism have it.
🟥 DoctorRamani
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mjHoRp2NJo
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It's not a person who really cares to be present with you and care for you and to help you. Be careful not to confuse their social skill with empathy. When you are in the presence of someone pay attention how you feel. It can feel like they are looking through you and not at you when they talk. Just being a great conversationalist – that's not empathy – that's charm. Keep them separate. If they sense you can see through their mask, they'll avoid you.
🟥 DoctorRamani
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mjHoRp2NJo
Once you realize nobody can damage your image or damage yourself, it doesn't matter to me. Those are people who I don't want to associate myself with. I don't want to be liked by everybody. I only want to be liked by people who like me for me being me.
🟥 Dealing with Anger Issues…
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/cRRWPQ8vCO4
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Theories of the Self
William James (1890): A person has "as many social selves as there are individuals who recognize him and carry and image of him in their minds"
Charles Cooley (1902): Views of self reflect the standpoints of significant others in our lives ("looking-glass self")
George Herbert Mead (1934): We imagine the perspectives of others and incorporate these into our self views - and that this occurs continuously as we interact with others on an ongoing, moment to moment basis.
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Having a distorted looking glass (incorrectly imagining others’ opinions of us) can cause bad feelings, or a negative self-image. https://wa01001786.schoolwires.net/cms/lib/WA01001786/Centricity/Domain/70/Socialization%20Notes.pdf
When we make self-care about bedtime routines and kale salads and yoga classes – we miss larger structural issues. Narcissistic folks are enabled by the world at large. People in narcissistic relationships are often doubted and have very little recourse. Therapists often don't recognize it. It's not just relationship problem or two people with two points of view. It is toxic! It's bad for your health.
🟥 DoctorRamani
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTSOF2Epqjk
Unlike gaslighting and double binds which stop the moment we cut our abusers out of our lives, shame can persist long after we've ditched our abusers. Even after their death.
Because the coping technique is in itself a source of shame, it can lead to a self-reinforcing cycle. Shame provokes the coping technique which in turn provokes more shame. One of the most twisted kinds of shame instilled in targets of abuse is the shame of sticking up for yourself.
🟥 malignant shame
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMeehIpxH5k
Narcissism is a fantasy defense gun haywire. So everything is infused with fantasy. They involve impaired reality testing. He says “You made me do it” which is like saying You controlled me. It's external locus of control. This aggravates anti-social behaviors because narcissist perceives as an issue of survival. If he doesn't prevail, he will be eradicated, die – so he must win. Winning becomes all. If he fails – transition into pre-psychotic stage.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGHme5zuJSA
nside the narcissist there is a bad object. There is a coalition of voices that keeps telling him, keeps informing him how inadequate he is, how gullible, stupid, unworthy, how ignorant, and how helpless and so forth. And he needs to silence these voices. The only to silence these voices is to prove them wrong by demonstrating omnipotence, a godlike quality. You're wrong, I'm God, I will punish people who have victimized me.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGHme5zuJSA
Whenever you have a grievance, whenever you want to restore a sense of justice, whenever you want to punish justly a perpetrator, ask yourself – what's the extent of my revenge fantasy. What's the extent of my retribution? My pursuit of perpetrator. Have I gone over the line, if I myself become a narcissist and a psychopath. Is it about restoring justice and protecting others or is it about my own narcissistic, sadistic psychopathic gratification?
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGHme5zuJSA
The narcissist engages in punitive moralistic and narcissistic type – and almost never engages with third type: pragmatic restorative. Healthy people engage in pragmatic restorative retribution or punishment, and almost never with narcissistic or moralizing punitive kind of revenge. So this is the distinction between narcissistic and healthy people.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGHme5zuJSA
First recognize if you are emotionally overwhelmed. You want to act immediately and try to fix things. Don't. The reality is, you're not going to remember some sort of clever strategy. You need to slow down. Slow down. The more emotional you are, the less your brain works. You need to distance yourself from the situation before you do or say something that makes it worse. Let the situation cool, get away from personalizing.
🟥 Dealing with Rejection Sensitivity
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KyBIasTX9c
If you have an interest in that job, you're do 20 times better than any neurotypical person in that same position.
🟥 ADHD Careers To AVOID
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTTVrRqMyhQ
You have that judgment and you feel that shame and then you need to defend yourself. That's where anger comes from. Because I feel like this tiny person who is so shameful and just shouldn't be here because I've done something wrong and terrible. And the only way to go from there is either completely in toilet or pick little sword and just try fight back. Anger accompanies shame so much because you feel need to defend yourself
🟥 The BPD Bunch S3E10: Shame in BPD Explained
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0GI5uE3Pml
They feel mentally naked around us. All people see life through a lens; a story that they built for themselves and we can pick up in that story. And if that story conflicts with their actions we can find holes in it. This makes them start doubt their story, the very thing they have been living by for years, decades. Most likely they never met anyone with this ability or anyone to take time to think about these things.
🟥 INFJ: The Most INTIMIDATING Personality Type (MBTI)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3T26C9dQQo
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Traits of highly sensitive person
- deeply affected by other people's moods
- not so great under pressure
- empathetic
- not a big fan of loud noises or strong smells
- sensitive to pain
- easily overwhelmed by stimuli
- rich inner life of imagination
- observant and intuitive
- feels deeply and cries often
- reacts more strongly to criticism
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I'm feeling angry because I dropped the bowl and it broke – I think I need to take some deep breaths - implicit in that is: anger is bad. So the communication is – anger is bad, some emotions are good and bad, when the bad ones come up you make them go away in the most efficient way possible. That literally could be conditioning in the kid to use the drugs, because that's what drugs do.
🟥 How Coping and Self-Regulation Aren’t Good For You (HOS83)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flJ4k7F8TQk
Isn't so hypocritical when your therapist is married, has a family, has 14 dogs, has their own method of self-regulating with other things tells you that you need to learn to self-regulate by yourself and figure it out. How can you love someone else if you can't fill your own cup? No one is really able to fill their own cup. The myth of learning self-regulate is like myth in capitalism of pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps.
🟥 Self regulation is a lie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oTiCGZCh5Y
As soon as you judge someone you create an opening in your heart for evil to enter. Comparing, competing with, and criticizing others will weaken and defeat you.
MORIHEI UESHIBA
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So as to reduce their anxiety and discomfort. Affiliation, belonging is overrated. Stay genuine. Stay authentic and you will be respected. Fake it – pretend – hate yourself, and you will be abused and disrespected and worse. The only way to turn your life around is treat yourself the way you want other people to treat you. People will pick up on your new transmissions. Ultimately people seek to please and conform.
🟥 UP TO YOU How People Treat You
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LwsWW7Jhx8
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After you become self aware, therapist needs to teach you to accept yourself. Self-acceptance is unconditional. If you say “I accept myself IF..” - the minute you say IF or BUT, that is not self-acceptance. That is conditional love. And there is nothing more destructive than conditional love. Children receiving conditional love from their parents, they are pathologized and deformed for life.
🟥 Love Yourself: Here’s How - or, The Four Pillars
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vzBf9QvClo
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When you isolate someone it forces them to doubt, ruminate, resent.
YT wombat7961
We think we become better to change them when we “becoming better” we're just becoming better supply. We're giving them everything they want. And what the narcissistic person wants is that we anticipate their needs, read their minds, be what they want, never be a source of stress, prop them up, keep our needs and want quiet and then boom – you're perfect source of supply. You've build this muscle up – this accommodation muscle.
🟥 Mel Robbins | Dr Ramani
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IewDusCWdCM
Problem with narcissistic abuse is ruminate = no solution. Where many other ruminators are getting the solution, the narcissistically abused ruminator just keeps hitting the same wall, fuels powerlessness. Rumination without solution is depression. That's why survivors look depressed. They have isolated themselves. Once vibrant person is living small life, stuck in thinking. Spinning the problem in isolation that has no solution.
🟥 Mel Robbins | Dr Ramani
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IewDusCWdCM
p. 56
I sincerely beg you too not be distressed and not to be embarrassed, the starets replied. You must feel completely at ease. Above all, do not be so ashamed of yourself, because that is the root of your trouble.
-You mean be my natural self.
The Brothers Karamazov
Dostoevsky
Stopworkplacebullies
@Stopworkplacebu
Jun 3
You have zero control over how people perceive you.
Anxiety is uncontrollable and excessive apprehension. Narcissists are anxious for social approval etc. Narcissists resemble very much to patients who suffer from panic attacks and social phobia. Narcissists are embarrassed of being embarrassed and being criticized in public. And most narcissists fail to function well in social settings, interpersonal. This is very common to narcissist and people with social phobia.
🟥 Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRZG1uLFsrc
With people pleasing we need to take step back. What are the origins of this? Is this trauma informed behavior? Was this a way how person maintained attachments? If a person had narcissistic parent, being a people pleaser was the only way they were going to get any form of attunement from that parent. People pleasing now is literally may be safety behavior. What is function of people pleasing– only by doing I am going to be safe. Fixing becomes love
Dr. Ramani Durvasula
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As you're in the throws of rejecting yourself and hating yourself and loathing yourself, you seek to please all others. Your behavior becomes more and more accommodating. Even in transition to dark personality you do this within the context of people pleasing, you're terrified of rejection, criticism. You become overly attentive to needs of others, come last but lot of resentment. Slightest rejection is magnified infinitely in echo chamber of child
🟥 Nothingness: Antidote
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNtNOA1Je0w
Jordan Peterson is just one of many of people who pose as gurus and public intellectuals and philosophers and psychologists, mystics, and yogis and you name it, coaches – these people claim to have come across a magic formula which if implemented would alchemically transform you into different person. And that is what they're selling: the transformation. “If you follow these 12 rules you will be a different person and get beautiful girls, get rich”.
🟥 Professor Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwaZkD4XFnE
Narcissists regard everyone as interchangeable. They commoditize people. Narcissists claim to have a secret, the solution, the perfect model to which everyone should conform. This is utterly narcissistic message and in the far end it is psychopathic. Because it is goal oriented to make these people rich.
Slavoj Žižek as public intellectual is not monetizing his popularity. The mission of public intellectual is to make you doubt yourself and disappear.
🟥 Professor Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwaZkD4XFnE
Up until the middle of 20th century you would have been a jerk. Or an a-hole. Now you're a “narcissist”. Narcissism is a clinical diagnosis. It's a problem. We medicalize things. We pathologize things. And we problematize things because there's an enormous amount of money. We first invent drugs,then we find the diseases that require these drugs;ADHD. Drug existed before the disorder.
DSM is list of problems. We problematize many issues nobody considered
🟥 Professor Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwaZkD4XFnE
When you monsterize reality, when you populate reality with imaginary monsters, as children 4yo do, there are two consequences. First – you infantilize population, to be eternal children surrounded by numerous risks and fears and anxieties. Render them more depended, childlike, regress them. If faced with many problems you become risk averse, anxiety reverse, depended on other people to mitigate and ameliorate concoct the whole host of newly problems.
🟥 Professor Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwaZkD4XFnE
Narcissists have to create observable reactions. “Now I know what is happening – they're crying. Good”,“Now I can tell what my sense of Self is” because I'm getting good clear signals from people as their reactions. If you are all quiet and peaceful and harmonious, everything going well –they will become very agitated. Because you are making them disappear. Peace becomes unbearable to them. Only way out: drama, conflict, manipulation, game play, wounding
🟥 RICHARD GRANNON
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EyYbaIUtUc
Can you recognize that some of the things that you feel compelled to do or the voice that speaks inside your head might not be authentically you, it might have been imposed upon you – When you can recognize that - that voice, that feeling is not you, I would say 30% of battle is won. Having that boundary – that is not me, I didn't choose that, that does not represent my value, map. It is inside me but that is not me.
🟥 RICHARD GRANNON
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EyYbaIUtUc
I see people get caught in stuff that is just not relevant. Reality TV from year 2000 made people want to get involved with things that don't matter.
“I won't have this arrow removed until I know the name and clan name of the man who wounded me, until I know whether he is tall, medium or short, his home town, until I know shaft was bound with silver or feather, curved or carved”.
Don't get caught in things that doesn't matter.
🟥 RICHARD GRANNON
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EyYbaIUtUc
When we live with toxic shame that belief there is something wrong with us, that we are flawed or broken in some fundamental way that if anybody really saw they would necessarily reject us permanently for – the natural solution to that problem is (as our emotional system intuitively understand it) is to go into most situations wearing a social mask. So presenting only version of ourselves we believe would be acceptable to other people and hiding our parts
🟥 Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uUgO-qm0J8
You are not ever going to have a secure healthy relationship with someone who needs you to be perfect in order to love you. That is not love. That is transactional relating. Which if we struggle with toxic shame and limerence might look indistinguishable from love to us. That's something to be really diligent about keeping in mind.
There are no perfect people in reality. Are you idealizing their flaws.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uUgO-qm0J8
We are mistaking perfect person not expressing their needs for them not having any and then we're assuming they are so fine and so strong and so self-regulated that they will be available to meet all of our needs and help us heal all of our self-esteem wounds while in reality that is NOT how romantic relationship works. Healthy relationships are about co-regulation, sharing, also bad shameful parts and in progress.
Not holding back significant parts.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uUgO-qm0J8
Psychosis is when we generate internal objects and then pretend that they are external. We invent god and believe in it. We conjure nation states and then we die for it. We adopt beliefs and values and we defend them. We think internal objects are external. When we defend our values, sacrifice for our beliefs. Confuse fiction with reality. Beliefs values are culture dependent – not real.
We integrate with something bigger than ourselves for a meaning.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XY_j68evjmM
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Wherever an inferiority complex exists, there is a good reason for it.
Carl Jung
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Secure love provides protection against many of the world's psychological dangers. It makes people more likely to admit their mistake and apologize for them, and feel freer to share who they are. They've learned... that the people who love them can be trusted to accept them, flaws and all. That's what secure love is: the faith that we can safely depend on other people.
🟦 Dr Craig Malkin
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C.G. Jung — 'Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.'
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Intense pain of narcissistic abuse victim syndrome – if your life is living misery. You cannot do anything, you can't motivate yourself, you can't make decisions, when you make decisions they're wrong ones, your physical health is suffering, mental health suffering, emotional health suffering, your interpersonal relationship suffering, then that is actual emotional and psychological abuse at the hands of someone with NPD, dark triad.
🟥 RICHARD GRANNON
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The concept of progress must be grounded in the idea of catastrophe. That things "status quo" is the catastrophe.
Walter Benjamin
One becomes authentic only in contrast to social conformity. When you reject something – you are defined by it. As much as when you accept it. Meaning can also NOT be derived from actions because activities are meaningful only within a context. It is the context that endows the activities and by extension the actor with meaning. Where meaning reside?
Just going from A to B is meaningless. Most people are goal oriented, not journey oriented.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
We have to accept these inevitable cycles. Where rebellion against these cycles is futile. And it is this rebellion that creates all the friction and the violence and the aggression and dysfunction and mental health illness. Mental health is context dependent. That's why my philosophy is Nothingness. It's Gandhian philosophy of non-resistance. I think we can reduce 99% of mental illnesses (with exception biochemical) to futile resistance. Stop to resist
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
Everything we design is a response to the specific climate and culture of a particular place.
🟦 Norman Foster
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fMRI studies show that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection
as when we experience physical pain. This is why rejection hurts so much (neurologically
speaking).
10 Surprising Facts About Rejection
Psychology Today
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My emotion is now paired with an association I'll be overwhelmed. “Anger makes me a bad person” or “It means I'll be rageholic like my dad”. We begin to get these associations to ourselves, to parts of ourselves, to other people. We learn other person is dangerous. Certain behaviors can become dangerous. We have really have trouble when something healthy or good gets associated to badness or danger. Like our core attachment needs, set boundaries.
🟥 Tori Olds
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The environment shapes people's actions.
B.F. Skinner
If you're old, don't try to change yourself, change your environment.
B.F. Skinner
The mob rushes in where individuals fear to tread.
B.F. Skinner
Behavior is shaped and maintained by its consequences.
B.F. Skinner
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All narcissists, even high-functioning, productive, successful, accomplished narcissists they are all collapsed narcissists in their own mind. Because they are faced with unattainable unrealistic goals. They have inner voice which is perfectionist. When your aim is perfection and nothing less, when you strive and aspire to be godlike – you are bound to fail. You are setting yourself up for failure. Never mind how much you possess, you still feel failure.
🟥 Prof Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmhOPnWN4-0
Something they don't tell you in the self-help scam industry is that your childhood largely determines your adulthood. There is actually very little you can do about it. For example, attachment styles are almost cast in stone. Disregard self-styled, self-interested, self-enriching experts online. If you've gone through ACEs, then your adulthood wouldn't look as good as it could have been.
🟥 Nothingness: Antidote to Narcissism
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNtNOA1Je0w
Bad object is another name for a constellation of voices that keep informing the child how ugly he is, how stupid she is, inadequate, unworthy, bad, deserving of punishment etc. It never ceases. It's always there like background noise. It drives recipient to madness. Bad object is source of low self esteem or low sense of self-worth. Low self-esteem has to do with negative messages about your worth, capability, ability to self efficacy, agency, independence.
🟥 Nothingness
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNtNOA1Je0w
A child who grew up in a really hostile family, usually has been told that his thinking is wrong, his intuitions are stupid, his gut feelings are crazy. Child is constantly invalidated. When the child grows up and become adult, there is a distrust of one's intuition. And this causes problems in decision making, made selection, and avoidance of risk and danger. You wouldn't be vulnerable, open, collaborative. You avoid other people.
🟥 Nothingness: Antidote to Narcissism
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNtNOA1Je0w
Anger is indicator of boundary violation, kind of message “Please change your behavior before this escalates”. But in ACE anger is punitive tool whenever child expresses itself even in healthy way. Any form of communication is punished – criticized, denied. Child internalize anger and this leads to anxiety. When aggression is not externalized in socially acceptable way, sublimated – it poisons the individual, it shape-shifts.
🟥 Nothingness: Antidote to Narcissism
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNtNOA1Je0w
In order to survive the child needs to understand this crazy-making environment. So these kind of children over think. Their cognition is much more developed than their emotional capacity. They become cognitive animals. This tendency to over-think is rooted in traumatic childhood. These events taught the child to anticipate negative experiences. So the child reacts with anxiety, stress, difficulties in decision making, get grips with
🟥 Nothingness: Antidote to Narcissism
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNtNOA1Je0w
This kind of child is informed that everything he does is wrong. Whatever you do –if you conform to expectations and norms, you sublimate drives, you're still wrong. If you self abuse of course you're wrong, there is no winning strategy. The child perceived itself as the source of frustration and the rejection. Low self esteem reflect the negation of Self. When you grow up instruments at your disposal allow you to really self destruct
🟥 Nothingness: Antidote to Narcissism
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNtNOA1Je0w
Education is not open-ended. Education is restrictive. It constricts our world, it narrows it to legitimate choices and illegitimate choices. Even education is manipulative process. Where it begins to be wrong is if you are irresponsibly affecting people's lives and minds just to sell. Acquiring authority over you is entirely different story. If being racist would guarantee a supply, narcissist would become racist. Working for public good - he'd be charitable
🟥 Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=8NSo7UDXG14
A person who has been punished is not thereby simply less inclined to behave in a given way; at best, he learns how to avoid punishment.
🟦 B.F. Skinner
Situations in the future are not the same. Self-love is like a rock. It's stable, reliable, immutable. Unchangeable. It's a guide, it's a loyal friend. The truest loyal friend. The only concern of self love is your well fare. Your happiness, your contentment. Self-love you can trust it will guide you to right places, prevent you from doing stupid things, dangerous things. Truly self-love you're never additive.
Experience is not enough.
🟥 Love Yourself:
Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vzBf9QvClo
You have access to your mind only. This is the only privileged access you have. You cannot access my mind. We're isolated in this skull. Our mind is trapped – we can't really reach out. Language is a very poor substitute. When I use certain words like red or love, how do I know that it means he same thing to you? How do I know how you experience color red? I don't. When you say love, do you mean the same way? This is known as Problem of other minds.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFvRcB1MOWM
Peeping through key hole and someone coming behind you – you suddenly become aware of yourself. As object of someone else's look. When you're all alone, schizoid state, you are not aware of your Self. Your Self is out of awareness. Your ego is not part of pre-reflective state and reflective state. You are immersed in the act, doing. Another person's gaze, another person's presence looming or real, imagined even, brings you immediately into awareness.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFvRcB1MOWM
Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.
🟦 Jean-Paul Sartre
It's utterly ridiculous to suggest that narcissists and psychopaths could be good chief executive officers, presidents, surgeons, military commanders or anything for that matter. They're self-defeating. And they're self destructive because there's no Self inside. Anything they import from outside it is filtered. Through fantasy, through rage, through negative emotionality. And it's a total mess.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZlWaePc030
We make our own hell out of the people around us.
🟦 Jean-Paul Sartre
People who live in society have learned how to see themselves in mirrors as they appear to their friends.
🟦 Jean-Paul Sartre
You must be afraid, my son. That is how one becomes an honest citizen.
🟦 Jean-Paul Sartre
Malignant tolerance, you are not allowed to say certain things – political correctness. You self censor because you might hurt someone's delicate emotions – by telling the truth. The truth is sacrificed to prevent hurt and pain, real/imaginary, or alleged, so many psychopaths and narcissists create victimhood movements. And leverage this sick pathological malignant sensitivity to further their nefarious and insidious goals. "My truth is good as yours."
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5msMRVUweg
When you are all alone and self-sufficient, and when you are self-contained, you're atomized. You have no relationships of any consequence and of course you can't have meaning. Meaning is always external. You can't derive meaning internally which is the nonsense that self help books are trying to sell you. Meaning is network, not a node. When you adopt nothingness as authenticity, you're open to reintegrate to vast networks. Because you have no defenses
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70gg_b3h2pg
Psychology has two major problems. It deals with fictions. Such as individual–ego, mind, consciousness. And it treats those fictions as if they were not fictions but real life entities. This is delusional disorder, under DSM. Psychology is a bit psychotic pseudoscience. It deals exclusively with entities that are totally abstract and has no validation as oppose to physics. In psychology everything is total invention. Cannot be proved with any experiment
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70gg_b3h2pg
Problem number 2: In physics I can replicate the experiment as many times and keep getting same answer. But when I analyze you as test subject, you're not the same. If I test you today and conduct tomorrow, you're no longer the same subject. The very fact I'm conducting the test on you, changes you. We don't have in psychology entities to study. Because the entities are kaleidoscopic. They change every split second. Shape shifting sands we experiment on
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70gg_b3h2pg
At different times, different periods, different places, different cultures, different societies, we have differing models of normalcy. Of what is normal. For example, in Nazi Germany, it was utterly normal to be a psychopath. And it was positive adaptation. And if you were not a psychopath, you were mentally ill. For example, helping Jews –you're insane, you needed help, medication, something was wrong with you. In USA model of normalcy is narcissistic
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70gg_b3h2pg
Bernays was the first person to take Freud's ideas about human beings and use them to manipulate the masses. He showed American corporations for the first time how they could make people want things they didn't need by linking mass produce goods to their unconscious desires. Out of this came new political idea how to control the masses. By satisfying people's inner selfish desires when made them happy and thus docile. Start of all consuming self.
🎞️ The Century of the Self (TV Mini Series 2002)
Walter Lipman argued that if human beings were in reality driven by unconscious irrational forces, then it was necessary to rethink the democracy. What was needed was a new Elite who can manage what he called the bewildered herd. This would be done through psychological techniques that would control unconscious feelings of the masses. People were driven not by their minds but by their spinal cords. Animal drives,lurking beneath. Goal:social control
🎞️ The Century of the Self (TV Mini Series 2002)
Both Bernes and Lipman concepts of managing the masses takes the idea of democracy and turns it into palliative, feel good medication. That will respond to immediate pain or an immediate yearning. But will not alter objective circumstances one iota. Idea of democracy was about changing power and their was maintaining power. If you can keep stimulating irrational Self then leadership can basically go on doing what it wants to do.
🎞️ The Century of the Self (TV Mini Series 2002)
What was implicit in Freud's argument was the idea of individual freedom which was at the heart of democracy, was impossible. Human beings could never be allowed to truly express themselves because it was too dangerous. They must always be controlled and would thus always be discontent. Man doesn't want to be civilized and civilization brings discontent but it is necessary for survival. So man must be discontent, to keep within limits.
🎞️ The Century of the Self (TV Mini Series 2002)
For each desire we fulfill in accordance with this strategy, a new desire will pop into our head to take its place. This means no matter how hard we work to satisfy our desires, we will be no closer to satisfaction than if we had fulfilled none of them. We will, in other words, remain dissatisfied.
William B. Irvine, A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy
My argument with so much psychoanalysis is the preconception that suffering is a mistake. Or a sign of weakness. Or a sign even of illness. When in fact, possible the greatest truths we know have come out of people's suffering. That the problem is not to undo suffering or wipe it off from the face of the Earth, but to make it inform our lives. Instead of trying to cure ourselves of it constantly and avoid it, seems to me like controlling man rather than freeing him.
🟦 Arthur Miller (1963)
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We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested.
Edward Bernays
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People escalate behaviors in order to attract attention to get noticed, likes etc. This causes behavior escalation. If your behaviors are radicalized, if they become idiosyncratic, unique, by definition it forms a part of your identity. Concept of individualism, indivisible means that you stand apart. You're distinguishable. So if your behavior becomes radical, attention seeking, by definition you are more distinguishable. You are more individiual.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ep0bR0jq28
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You are more of individual only in highly restricted sense. Not all areas of your personality flourish, develop and evolve and grow. But a tiny sliver of your personality is emphasized. And all your energies are focused on this tiny sliver and the rest of your personality atrophies, decays and dies. What social media does – it creates substantial imbalances between trait and behavior in personality. You become 2D individual, a cartoon figure.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ep0bR0jq28
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Psychotherapy is a symptom of an exceedingly sick society. Because only atomized, alienated broken damaged people who have no one to talk to go to psychotherapy. Psychotherapy is major indicator of breakdown of society. That you need to pay for someone to listen to you, that's bloody sick. That you go to millions of sexual predators online and pray to find someone who's not, that's an indicator of sickness. Afraid of relationship. They fake casualness.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ep0bR0jq28
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Social activism –these movements are hijacked by narcissists and psychopaths. The minute they acquire critical mass, narcissists and psychopaths infiltrate these movements and take over. Studies have demonstrated that the preponderance and prevalence of narcissists and psychopaths in this movement explodes exponentially once these movements become critical force. These movements will be hijacked and compromised. Like politics-we end up with Nixon, Trump
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ep0bR0jq28
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Narcissist regard you as commodity and you can't stand this. This is what bothers victims the most, that they didn't exist in their minds, they were used. They can't fathom that. They need to feel special. They need to feel that they had special place in the narcissist's life, history, memory and identity. Many even brag that they have changed the narcissist. Shaped the narcissist. Affected the narc. Or took revenge on narcissist.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ep0bR0jq28
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Narcissist is implacable. Untouchable. That kills people. That narcissist, this monster, this abuser actually never pays a price. He's incapable of mourning, of grieving, of heartbreak. He never pays emotional price for anything he does. The only way to touch the core of narcissist and to affect him is a process called narcissistic mortification. It's when narcissist is publicly shamed and humiliated in front of peers and people he values.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ep0bR0jq28
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Magical thinking is a fabulous way of countering loneliness. Or countering aloneness. Because if you are the king of the world and if the universe is at your back call and the universe obey you, then you don't really need anyone. Because you're godlike. People mistakenly identify intimacy with neediness. People conflate and confuse intimacy with clinging. If intimate – you're “needy and clinging, demanding, nagging, not ok”. Deity don't depend on anyone
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9M0ILm_QDp4
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Nothing is more deceitful than brutal honesty. It pretends to offer empathy and support but it is mere camouflaged sadism. And nothing is more vainglorious than false modesty and pseudo-humility. Nothing is more hateful than the ineluctable expiry of love. Nothing is more wrong than being right all the time. Nothing is more corrupt than conformity and nothing more noble than being oneself.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUggi8tRTbE
Where do we have more information? In a system that has order and structure, or in a system that is chaotic and confused? Where there is order there is information – is completely wrong. You have been told since this is the correct answer. You have been told since this age that order and structure and rules are good for you, that this is the only place of safety to extract meaning and information from the world. You're not doubting enough.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCo5XWKkjw4
When you feel awkward or weird in social settings, likely it's because they're being weird. They're being awkward. They're not doing well socially. You're feeling awkward because they're not following up with another question. That's on them!
🟥 LaurenOfficial
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/KjGerCf2BxQ
If you didn't stand up, what would have been the consequences?
-You'd be angry at us.
-And then what would happen if I were angry at you? I can throw coffee at you for example. A total stranger who did not introduce himself yet told you to stand up and all of you obeyed. And then you are utterly unable to explain why you did this. You stood up for two reasons.
You made series of assumptions. Assumed that I'm authority and I have right.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7HZThtxdBY
There's a proliferation of diagnosis. Everyone is potentially mentally ill if you dig deep enough. That's not okay. Society allows you to be mentally ill to some extent. Idiosyncrasies – behaviors which are typical only to that person and everyone is mocking them for it. The process of accepting craziness is called sublimation. When society allows you to be a little bit crazy. You no longer perceive reality properly. Reality is tough. Fend off reality.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7HZThtxdBY
Another example - “people are good”. “people are honest. “You can trust them”. This even has a name. It is called Base Rate Fallacy. And yet 95 percent of people believe other people without checking the facts. We trust other people and the fact is that people lie all the time. There is study that show people lie most of the time. Because if promotes their goals and they are selfish. The truth is that you cannot trust people. People are self centered.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7HZThtxdBY
It's another example of lie that you're telling yourself because without this lie, reality would become very frightening and very unbearable. We live in a cosmos of lies and self-deception in order to survive. And society encourages you. Then there are all the lies known as Magical Thinking. It is pathological belief that you have impact, that you can affect your environment, world. It is untrue. Most of you have no affect on anyone.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7HZThtxdBY
Among rock stars, painters, authors, poets, psychology professors, you would find that the majority of them suffer from diagnosable mental health disorders. Mental health instability is intimately linked with creativity. We need to produce things that are not in the code. We need madness. Madness drives species forward. What is to be normal? Society homogenizes this, finds common denominator. Like Venn diagram: Agreement on some thing that is normal.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7HZThtxdBY
How do you know what is acceptable and not acceptable? It's very simple. Anything that makes you feel bad is not acceptable. End of story. Communicate with other people –this makes me feel bad. So I would ask you to not behave this way. And if the other person insists to behave this way, walk away. You have the nuclear weapon. And the nuclear weapon is walking away. You can withdraw your presence-this is the ultimate in weaponry. You love yourself less?
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7HZThtxdBY
Stephen Hawking: “The thing about smart people is that they seem crazy to dumb people”
Other people catalyze in you reactions. They generate them in you. Lacan said that the unconscious is an internalization of other people. In object relation theory everything is relational. Other people are critical,they control your inner space. When this triggering by other people becomes overwhelming we get autism. Autism is avoidance of others. And the avoidance of process of othering. Othering is recognition of existence of other people as external
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kzrc_2pTX60
In shared fantasy, he is god and you are worshipper. He is in control, you are coerced.
So advice is: no contact. No Contact is set of 27 strategies that I designed in 1995 and it's still best advice there is.
Second advice is you cannot go no contact (you can't lose your job, can't move away), is gray rock. Gray rock means to render yourself uninteresting to the narcissist. A bad source of narcissistic supply because you're “stupid” or “incapable of curiosity”, not a worthy object to be owned. Don't draw attention to yourself, minimize yourself. Hide yourself. If you are forced to stay. My first advice is to disconnect, resign. Because it can end really bad.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNYYsbgSnso
If narcissists are mortified, narcissist can be narcissistically injured – it's when you challenge, undermine the grandiosity in some way – the self perception or self-image. You cause them discomfort by doing this. But they can also be mortified. Narcissistic mortification is if you shame the narcissist inadvertently even! In public. The narc is giving presentation but you raise hand and say "Sorry this slide is wrong". Mortification. You become enemy
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNYYsbgSnso
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When you fail to other your self, when your self fails to develop, you end up without an ego. You internal structures are disrupted and chaotic, and disorganized –it's a failure of othering the self –it's pathology. When you fail to other people, when you don't regard them as separate or external, or not you – it's a pathology. Othering failures are pathologies. Possibly most severe. Psychosis is major othering failure. Fantasy is attempt to compensate.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kzrc_2pTX60
Why did you have to do this? I've tattled this town into a paradise.
- You see Ned, your city-wide nagging compressed all of our town's mis-behavior into one small place. Creating a glittering diamond of super-evil.
🎞️ THE SIMPSONS
The cause is hidden. The effect is visible to all.
— Ovid
How many of us are hiding? Because of things we've gone through, hiding our potential. Hiding our personality, hiding our smile. You have so much to offer but the way many people handle hurts, failures and disappointments is to isolate. To disengage. Turn their feelings off. Push down any emotions. Not pursuing any dreams. They show up at work but they're not really there. They have great ideas but they never share them. Defense mode, not participate, hiding
✝️ JOEL OSTEEN
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCRFr20Aqqo
I had to make that decision to come out of hiding. To not worry what other people think. To not let disappointments take my passion. If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't be up here today. Is there some area that you need to come out of hiding? You've let what didn't work, what someone said, how you were raised cause you to shrink back? Unplug? Now we're not seeing the best of you.
Maybe you've let disappointment, or a mistake cause you to hide your personality.
✝️ JOEL OSTEEN
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCRFr20Aqqo
When nothing is sure, everything is possible.
🟦 Margaret Drabble
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Everyone is inferior to narcissist. Not worthy of his cosmically precious time and resources. It's not the case with autistic patient. When the narcissist is confronted with potential sources of narcissistic supply (attention, adulation, admiration) the narcissist easily switches, regains his social skills. He becomes charming. He becomes sociable. He suddenly loves people. He suddenly love bombs them, grooms, tries to convert to long term supply.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aV9yVbe5iFo
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It is a little embarrassing after 45 years of research and study, the best advice that I can give to people is to be a little kinder to each other.
—Aldous Huxley, author Brave New World
Unhealthy attachment in general resembles a powerful addiction.
Detachment will change your relationships | Abby Cheng | TEDxKGV School Youth
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02rt_7Yzb7U
Suppressed emotions in my experience is actually at the roots of the mast majority of health issues and chronic health issues.
Or if that anger is not permitted, or we were hit or told that we mustn't have this experience, then we can learn to develop shame.
🟥 Don't suppress your emotions
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/EXuLUzgzy4Y
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Adler's ideas are not so popular as they often clash with conventional views.
It takes courage to see the world without any filter.
YT The Courage To Be Disliked
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koYFXh3WEao
They are not indifferent in knowing that they harmed someone when they are told about it. In fact individuals with autism spectrum disorder may often be quite genuinely remorseful and sad at learning that they may have caused harm to another person through their words or straightforwardness. Giving such feedback will check in and apologize and try to learn better. Person with narcissism will minimize, dismiss and be contemptuous.
🟥 DoctorRamani
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEDda93M_mg
You create the world of the dream. We bring the subject into that dream, and they fill it with their subconscious.
Well, dreams, they feel real while we're in them, right? It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange. You never really remember the beginning of a dream, do you? You always wind up right in the middle of what's going on.
🎞️ Inception (2010)
You can literally talk to my subconscious. That's one of the ways we extract information from the subject.
- How else do you do it?
- By creating something secure, like a bank vault or a jail. The mind automatically fills it with information it's trying to protect.
🎞️ Inception (2010)
Narcissists tend to be incapable of something called "object constancy," which means they struggle to have positive feelings at the same time as negative ones.
Once they are fired up for a fight, they can be incredibly cruel, because all they can comprehend in the moment are feelings of resentment and anger.
As a result, an argument about the smallest of issues can escalate quickly/fiercely.
they will use everything in their power to make you feel insignificant and small.
https://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-sto
Let's say a person who works in a toxic workplace environment is harassed, demeaned, diminished, demoted or maybe even fired, I'm amazed how many people who have endured harassment of some form in the workplace actually feel ashamed. They weren't the perpetrator. This was something that was done to them. Shame is something within themselves that is imprisoning them. It comes from legacy issues of narcissistic family. Carry that identity of being damaged
🟥 DoctorRamani
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTyIOO6czJU
Coming from dysfunctional family does not make you damaged. That is simply a part of story. But if you carry that identity that you are somehow shameful or damaged the choices you make in your life are going to be in line with that identity. Your narcissistic family has already harmed you enough. Don't let them keep harming you by holding on to the identities they've put on you of you being less than.
🟥 DoctorRamani
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTyIOO6czJU
As long as you are pleasant, kind, and courteous you've done nothing wrong.
🟥 The INFJ Circle
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AcdeINWS64
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Take back control how we feel about ourselves. If you subconsciously believe that you can't be yourself, because that is unacceptable, you're going to surround yourself with people who believe the same thing, who wouldn't accept you for you being yourself. There will be a shift in dynamic because you are going to show up as a different person, and connect in different way. Fear of abandonment, judgement, rejection always held you back.
🟥 Wenzes - INFJ LIFE COACH
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utPF3201_cA
Learn more about who you are, and you become more of who you are, and you continue to do things that make you excited about being you – you get to show up as yourself and say, if anybody around me wants to connect with me, then only while I'm being myself. And that is the necessary ingredient in order to feel connected. If we don't dare to be seen because we believe there is unlovable part we're never get to place other see real you.
🟥 Wenzes - INFJ LIFE COACH
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=utPF3201_cA
No contact – this is not to be used as some type of tool or weapon that's abuse. The relationship is over. Closure – we feel responsible for them and we need closure to know why relationship is over. If not, we will think it's us. Like child that doesn't understand divorce and internalizes it and says it's me. It's good with obsessive unstable people like this to make it clear. Never contact me again. They will threaten you.
🟥 NO CONTACT With the Borderline
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okvvBcqBhVk
Social interaction is not suppose to be performance. It's suppose to be something you enjoy. Forget about the other person even enjoying it. It should just be something you enjoy. If your focus is that it's something you enjoy, the other person will most likely enjoy it as well. You feel like you need to walk on egg-shelves. Person may leave you, blow up on you, or take some sort of revenge.
🟥 Taeed the Spirit
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWJrkF0JGoQ
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When we are insecurely attached we necessarily have unmet developmental needs. Those needs are unconsciously driving us when it comes to partner choices. So if I feel at my core like I am not that competent or capable of navigating the world on my own, I'm going to be unconsciously searching first and foremost for a partner who seems incredibly competent and skilled. Enough so that they completely take care of me.
Or searching for partner who over-emotes.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHrImgzzphY
Imagine a different universe, where exactly who you are is the most societally celebrated and coveted type of person. Completely and universally accepted, loved and celebrated who would that version of you look like and how would they show up in the world? And what types of rooms would they put themselves in, and what types of conversations would they have. In world where no part of you was shame bound.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHrImgzzphY
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If you do really struggle with using relationships as a means of fulfilling your needs- ask yourself, if all of my needs were met, if I were to develop in securely attached person, then who would I want in my life solely because I would enjoy being around them. So instead of what are my deficits and how can I balance them out interpersonally who would I enjoy being around solely because I like them?
Picture sitting at porch with them at old age, talk with.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHrImgzzphY
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Worry about yourself. Why are you being so judgmental of another person's behavior? If you don't like them & if you don't like the way they interact, then stop going out for meals with them. If you feel like you have to train all of your friends, dog training, to get friends behave in the way you want, that's a bit weird and controlling.
"Even if eye contact is uncomfortable for you I'd like you to do it because it makes me feel more comfortable"
🟥 I'm Autistic, Now What?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4Q8SN0QUfk
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Fawners fear to be called or characterized as difficult. Being called as difficult carries with it a massive opportunity cost – to lose attachments, relationships and connections and relationships and love, it is being abandoned. Catch22 – fawners feel shamed for fawning, there is no winning – if you stand up for yourself you are labeled as difficult, if you fawn, you feel shame. Those indoctrinated we make everyone life easier.
🟥 DoctorRamani
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xZvHkZdAeE
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Narcissists and narc parents are rejectors, not accepters. They are always out to reject because they can't accept you, because that will create difficulties with shame within them. And they can't handle that. So they must be superior, they must be in control. And so they will not accept you. They will reject you because they cannot accept other people just the way they are.
🟥 The shocking truth about your abandonment issues
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/ts_8i92bC1g
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I've read if you don't mask you risk of being ostracized by people around you. But if you do mask, then you're practicing self-ostracization. Because you're saying your true Self who you are as a person is not good enough. And the only way to succeed is by being someone else. And if it does work to some extent, and you get approval from other people, that's just reinforcing that same message that your true Self is not welcome here. It can mess up your identity.
🟥 Autistic Masking
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Toxic people can be masterful at turning the table on you, making you the issue for having an issue.
This works really well because it does two things:
1. It makes you wonder if things would have gone better, maybe even resolved, if you had just kept your mouth shut.
2. And, now you’re the one in the hot seat defending yourself.
Kerry McAcoy, PhD
People care about the people who care about themselves.
🎞️ Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous (2005)
Masking can increase social anxiety for autistic.
Just because on a surface level somebody seems to have good communication skills and be able to make eye contact, that doesn't mean that everything is magical for them. It starts with I want people to like me and I want to fit in. I have to do what they expect of me by masking. I can't look after myself and meet my own needs too. I burn out. Then I withdraw. And cycle starts again
🟥 Autistic Masking is NOT What you think..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rjk2EtQVhHc
Mate crime – befriend and steal from them or manipulate. You can see how somebody who masks a lot, somebody who is desperate to be accepted and to be approved of by people around them and who has learned to make people like them by smiling and being agreeable how somebody could end up in this sort of situation.
🟥 Autistic Masking is NOT What you think..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rjk2EtQVhHc
If you complained about sensory issue you might have been told you're overreacting. That you were too sensitive. That your experience was just wrong and then that isn't how it is for everyone else – it's just you. Over time we just give up listening to ourselves, our bodies, to our intuition and just feel like I'm wrong and obviously just me thing because nobody else seems to be complaining. Theme of doubting yourself.
🟥 Autistic Masking is NOT What you think..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rjk2EtQVhHc
The main therapy for autistic people ABA therapy, which has big emphasis on compliance it's no wonder that autistic people might feel like they just can't say no, that they don't have right to say no in certain scenarios. In my business I ended in bad situations with my clients, because I'm so conscious about masking, I agreed to things, agreed to prices that we were not suitable. Masking feels like survival response.
🟥 Autistic Masking is NOT What you think..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rjk2EtQVhHc
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My best advice is to switch it from "do they like me?" to "do I like THEM?" Takes the pressure of being liked by everyone all the time, including people who we don't even like in the first place.
The right people will like you for YOU. If they don't, they're not your people and that's fine. :)
YT GinaCiccone
the stress hormone noradrenaline (the "flight" hormone, versus adrenaline, the "fight" hormone) can actually trigger cancer cell growth directly.
Hans Selye, a Hungarian scientist who worked in Montreal, Canada, showed that a chronic "alarm state" (anticipating problems requiring "flight") leads to an "exhaustion state" which depletes the immune system.
⬜ (myeloma org)
This will destroy you across time. You're not designed for this. It is too much. And you never rest. Because the fight continues. It's hellscape. They cause you to fight you. You try to free yourself, they don't have to do any work at all. Idea set and they just walk away. You could break up with them and 12 years later you'd still be doing this. And they're dead and it continues because shared fantasy space you carrying it, not destroyed it.
🟥 RICHARD GRANNON
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEfsXuCCQpU
In social anxiety there is a fundamental disconnect between how a person actually appears to others and their own exaggerated often negative perceptions of themselves. This is one of the reasons why social anxiety was removed from the phobia category. Because it's more than a phobia. It's not just I'm afraid of spiders or elevator. There's underlying core beliefs that are activated.
🟥 Sharon Saline, Psy.D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LE5Q3trGyY
Change the relationship to worry by investigating it. Like a puzzle. Instead of hating it, wishing it would go away, spending a lot of time on why why why – we want to look at What, How, Where and When. Instead of saying I wish I never worry, we're going to expect to worry. Worry says blah blah blah and you can't handle it. Anxiety in general is an overestimation of the problem and an underestimation of the resources available to deal with.
🟥 Sharon Saline, Psy.D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LE5Q3trGyY
Also make sure the person with whom you're having a "misunderstanding" isn't a gas lighting narcissist. That will help.
EmmaLemmon
To overcome his bad faith Sartre’s homosexual would have to take the emotionally difficult step of wanting to be the homosexual his desires and his chosen conduct
make him. He has to stop regretting his homosexuality and start affirming it. Part of being a true existentialist is wanting to be what we make ourselves be by the way we choose to act, as opposed to making excuses for the way we act and regretting it
📖 How to Be an Existentialist: or How to Get Real, Get a Grip and Stop Making Excuses
I really dislike the term panic attack or anxiety attack. Word attack puts you in combative mindset. Be careful about language that immediately evokes combat. Or having anxiety being an enemy or something you need to destroy or get rid of, or overcome. It's not about overcoming panic and anxiety, it's about changing our relationship with them. When we start to approach and be willing o have, to tolerate anxiety & panic, we teach brain it's safe
🟥 How to Stop Panic Attacks
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjQob3k2V6U
Overcompensating in relationships – Do you struggle to maintain relationships? Do you try really, really hard and they seem to break down anyway? If so, chances are you're overcompensating, which means trying even harder will likely lead to even worse results. Instead of asking myself what do I feel like doing, I would focus on what others are expecting of me. Trying is good up to a point. Trying too hard is not good.
🟥 Are You Overcompensating?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCgYa0zLFxo
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Diagnosis doesn't matter. Does diagnosis help you in any way that they were diagnosed as borderline? Misdiagnosis, comorbidity, could be something else too – did they cross the threshold? Did they cross the line? What is important are their behaviors. And how they treat you. Because both NPD and BPD are extremely exploitative, manipulative and extremely damaging to our core, to our Self. How I treat people I love says who I am.
🟥 BPD/NPD Comorbidity
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CqUf58gMpU
Honor society is about shame covering shame. In authority position they create all kinds of rules about what looks honorable. What will make the leader good because the family looks good. They aren't about truly what is loving, the main priority is about looking good, hiding shame. So it becomes the culture with 1000s rules, rules about everything, spoken, unspoken. If you grew up in that culture knowing rules makes you honorable, superior, give you status
🟥 Shame Culture
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njwX84hWELc
Social mobility in the Unites States is lower than it is in all socialist industrial countries. Such as Scandinavia, France, Germany, Canada. Social mobility is when you make more money than your parents, when you are more educated than your parents, when you end up on higher ladder than your parents. In the America this is almost impossible. People in America remain stuck in same social level they were born into.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSh6oVycuUs
When you have been dumped, ignored, mocked or ridiculed, rejected or abandoned – all this has to do much more with your body than with your mind. Your brain misinterprets these events as bodily interactions. As assaults on the body. Therefore the best way to undo all this, to reverse all these processes is via body.
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0r4R-YCRguo
Most people are not very well versed or well skilled in thinking rationally, make better decisions, to be analytical. They confuse emotions with decision making. So they engage in something called emotional thinking. Their choices are irrational, motivated by fear, by biases, by cognitive distortions. In short, we are not rational creatures. This was discovery in economic sciences and few people won for it Nobel prize for realizing people are irrational
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0r4R-YCRguo
Our first language is not merely lexical, it's also a container of long held emotions. Many of the infantile emotions. Our reasoning skills are divided between the systematic rational side and the unconscious, emotional side. Our first language access the unconscious, while second, third languages access the rational, executive, systematic side of our mind. Using the unnatural language forces you to think harder and critically. Whenever make decision-
🟥 Prof. Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0r4R-YCRguo
The only problem with the treatment was that it worked too well. You became unable to express any anger at all. From that point on any time you felt angry you could only respond with strong of non-sensical jabbering.
🎞️ THE SIMPSONS
If you have repressed your interpersonal needs is that you might have a lot of contempt for most people you are try to date. Because you might see anybody doing anything other than perfectly meeting 100% of their own needs as someone who is needy and incompetent. When in reality you might be working with someone who has healthy relating skills and who understand relationships are finding someone whose needs you like meeting, that is mutually beneficial.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tkkm98qp7ro
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mélange
Toxic shame can obliterate your self-esteem in the blink of an eye. In an emotional flashback
you can regress instantly into feeling and thinking that you are as worthless and contemptible as
your family perceived you. When you are stranded in a flashback, toxic shame devolves into the
intensely painful alienation of the abandonment mélange - a roiling morass of shame, fear and
depression.
The abandonment mélange is the fear and toxic shame that surrounds and interacts with the
abandonment depression. The abandonment depression itself is the deadened feeling of
helplessness and hopelessness that afflicts traumatized children.
📖 Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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melange
An inner critic that has dominated us since childhood, however, does not give up its
rulership of the psyche easily. It stubbornly refuses to accept the updated information that
adulthood now offers the possibility of increasing safety and healthy attachment. It is as if the
critic has worn a flashback-inducing groove in the brain the size of the Grand Canyon. Now, any
of the thinking patterns listed earlier can hair-trigger an amygdala-hijacking that dumps us into
the abandonment mélange.
📖 Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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reddit
The Origin Of Social Anxiety
A child who grows up with no reliable human source of love, support and protection typically
falls into a great deal of social unease. He “naturally” becomes reluctant to seek support from
anyone, and he is forced to adopt self-sufficiency as a survival strategy.
Needing anything from others can feel especially dangerous. The survivor’s innate capacity
to experience comfort and support in relationship becomes very limited or non-existent. This is
despite the fact that many high functioning survivors learn to socially function quite adequately.
This is particularly the case in structured situations where expectations are clear and
common goals take the focus off conversing and put it on task accomplishments. Unstructured
social situations however, like attending parties or just hanging out can be considerably more
triggering. Spontaneous self-expression feels like the same setup for disaster that it was in
childhood.
Either way, structured or spontaneous, relating often involves hiding a great deal of anxiety
and discomfort. One very successful businessman client of mine told me: “I’m so cool, calm and
collected in meetings. A veritable wordsmith with the composure of Michael Caine. I’m a king
on the outside, but on the inside I’m a drama queen anguishing in doubt and shame about
everything I say or do.”
In worst case scenarios, social anxiety can devolve into social phobia, especially during
prolonged flashbacks. Extensive childhood abuse installs a powerful people-are-dangerous
program.
📖 Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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Reparenting Affirmations
I am so glad you were born.
You are a good person.
I love who you are and am doing my best to always be on your side.
You can come to me whenever you’re feeling hurt or bad.
You do not have to be perfect to get my love and protection.
All of your feelings are okay with me.
I am always glad to see you.
It is okay for you to be angry and I won’t let you hurt yourself or others when you are.
You can make mistakes - they are your teachers.
You can know what you need and ask for help.
You can have your own preferences and tastes.
You are a delight to my eyes.
You can choose your own values.
You can pick your own friends, and you don’t have to like everyone.
You can sometimes feel confused and ambivalent, and not know all the answers.
I am very proud of you.
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A further sign of recovering is a gradual increase in your ability to relax. With this comes
an increasing ability to resist overreacting from a triggered position. This further allows you to
use your fight, flight, freeze and fawn instincts in healthy and non-self-destructive ways. This
means you only fight back when under real attack, only flee when odds are insurmountable, only
freeze when you need to go into acute observation mode, and only fawn when it is appropriate to
be self-sacrificing.
📖 Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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degrees
it is important to emphasize that, like most things in life, there are degrees of Cptsd. The continuum of Cptsd ranges from mild neurosis to psychosis, and from highly functioning to non-functioning. Its severity ranges from having extended
periods without flashbacks to being in full flashback horror much of the time. This range also varies from a condition of increased experiences of thriving to a condition of barely surviving disability.
📖 Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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soc anx
This people-are-dangerous process typically devolves into the social anxiety that is
frequently a symptom of Cptsd. In worst case scenarios it manifests as social phobia and
agoraphobia. In my opinion, agoraphobia is rarely the fear of open spaces. It is instead a
disguised form of social phobia. It is the fear of going out lest you run into someone or anyone.
📖 Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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soc anx
Of all the 4F’s, freeze types seem to have the deepest unconscious belief that people and danger are synonymous. While all 4F types commonly suffer from social anxiety as well, freeze types typically take a great deal more refuge in solitude. Some freeze types completely give up on relating to others and become extremely isolated. Outside of fantasy, many also give up entirely on the possibility of love.
📖 Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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operant:
All this loss of self begins before the child has many words, and certainly no insight. For
the budding codependent, all hints of danger soon immediately trigger servile behaviors and
abdication of rights and needs.
These response patterns are so deeply set in the psyche, that as adults, many codependents
automatically respond to threat like dogs, symbolically rolling over on their backs, wagging their
tails, hoping for a little mercy and an occasional scrap. Webster’s second entry for fawn is: “to
show friendliness by licking hands, wagging its tail, etc.: said of a dog.” I find it tragic that some
codependents are as loyal as dogs to even the worst “masters”.
📖 Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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operant:
Hope for them lies in understanding how their childhood abuse set them up for their current abuse. This is often difficult, because scapegoated fawn-freezes were often punished extra intensely for complaining.
📖 Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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dualism:
While scaring us out of trusting others, the outer critic also pushes us to over-control them to
make them safer. Over-controlling behaviors include shaming, excessive criticism, monologing
[conversational control] and overall bossiness. An extreme example of the latter is the no-win
situation, which is also known as the double bind. It is described in the vernacular as “damned if
you do, and damned if you don’t.
📖 Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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anger
Angering can also immediately trigger the survivor into toxic shame. This is often true of
instances when there is only an angry thought or fantasy. Dysfunctional parents typically reserve
their worst punishments for their child’s anger. This then traps the child’s anger inside.
Angering is the grieving technique of aggressively complaining about current or past losses and
injustices. Survivors need to anger - sometimes rage - about the intimidation, humiliation and
neglect that was passed off to them as nurturance in their childhoods. As they become adept at
grieving, they anger out their healthy resentment at their family’s pervasive lack of safety. They
become incensed about the ten thousand betrayals of never being helped in times of need. They
feel rage that there was never anyone to go to for guidance or protection. They bellow that there
was no one to appeal to for fairness or appreciative recognition of their developmental
achievements.
My first book, The Tao of Fully Feeling, Harvesting Forgiveness Out Of Blame, explicates
in great detail a safe process for angering out childhood pain in a way that does not hurt the
survivor or anyone else. In most cases, survivors do not have to directly anger at and blame their
living parents. The key place to direct it is at your internalized parents - the parents of your past.
The most common exception to this occurs when a parent is still abusive. This and other
exceptions are explored in depth in my first book.
Angering is therapeutic when the survivor rails against childhood trauma, and especially
when he rails against its living continuance in the self-hate processes of the critic. Angrily saying
“No!” or “Shut Up!” to the critic, the deputy of his parents, externalizes his anger. It stops him
from turning this anger against himself, and allows him to revive the lost instinct of defending
himself against unjust attack.
Additionally, angering rescues the survivor from toxic shame.
📖 Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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melange
Abandoning parents respond to the child with anger, disgust and/or further
abandonment, which in turn exacerbate the fear, shame and despair that become the
abandonment mélange.
📖 Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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soc anx
Those with Cptsd-spawned attachment disorders never learn the communication skills that
engender closeness and a sense of belonging. When it comes to relating, they are often plagued
by debilitating social anxiety - and social phobia when they are at the severe end of the
continuum of Cptsd.
📖 Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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retort
HUMAN BILL OF RIGHTS
[GUIDELINES FOR FAIRNESS
AND INTIMACY]
1. I have the right to be treated with respect.
2. I have the right to say no.
3. I have the right to make mistakes.
4. I have the right to reject unsolicited advice or feedback.
5. I have the right to negotiate for change.
6. I have the right to change my mind or my plans.
7. I have a right to change my circumstances or course of action.
8. I have the right to have my own feelings, beliefs, opinions, preferences, etc.
9. I have the right to protest sarcasm, destructive criticism, or unfair treatment.
10. I have a right to feel angry and to express it non-abusively.
11. I have a right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone else’s problems.
12. I have a right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone’s bad behavior.
13. I have a right to feel ambivalent and to occasionally be inconsistent.
14. I have a right to play, waste time and not always be productive.
15. I have a right to occasionally be childlike and immature.
16. I have a right to complain about life’s unfairness and injustices.
17. I have a right to occasionally be irrational in safe ways.
18. I have a right to seek healthy and mutually supportive relationships.
19. I have a right to ask friends for a modicum of help and emotional support.
20. I have a right to complain and verbally ventilate in moderation.
21. I have a right to grow, evolve and prosper.
TOOLBOX 4
TOOLS FOR LOVINGLY
RESOLVING CONFLICT
This is a list of techniques and perspectives I’ve gathered over the years to help couples resolve
conflict as lovingly as possible. When I give it to couples that I work with, I ask them to take
time at home to read it aloud together and to discuss each one as much as necessary to see if they
can agree to adopt it as a guideline for handling conflict.
When I first got together with my wife eleven years ago, we spent considerable time on a
weekend trip discussing these guidelines one at a time. We aired our concerns, enthusiasms,
caveats and reservations about using them. Over subsequent years, we refined our usage of them,
and have evolved a communication style around our conflicts that has helped to keep our
intimacy healthy and ever growing.
1. Normalize the inevitability of conflict & establish a safe forum for it. Discuss and
agree to as many of these guidelines as seem useful.
2. The goal is to inform and negotiate for change, not punish. Punishment destroys trust.
Love can open the “ears” of the other’s heart.
3. Imagine how it would be easiest to hear about your grievance from the other.
Say it as it would be easiest for you to hear.
4. Preface complaints with acknowledgement of the good of the other and your mutual
relationship.
5. No name-calling, sarcasm or character assassination.
6. No analyzing the other or mind reading.
7. No interrupting or filibustering
8. Be dialogical. Give short, concise statements that allow the other to reflect back and
paraphrase key points to let you hear that you are accurately being heard.
9. No denial of the other’s rights as outlined in the Bill of Rights above.
10. Differences are often not a matter of right or wrong; both people can be right, and
merely different. Be willing to sometimes agree to differ.
11. Avoid “you” statements. Use “I” statements that identify your feelings and your
experience of what you perceive as unfair.
12. One specific issue, with accompanying identifiable behavior, at a time. Ask yourself
what hurts the most to try to find your key complaint.
13. Stick to the issue until both persons feel fully heard. Take turns presenting issues.
14. No interrupting or filibustering.15. Present a complaint as lovingly and calmly as possible.
16. Timeouts: If discussion becomes heated either person can call a timeout [one minute to
24 hours], as long as s/he nominates a time to resume. {See 1 below}
17. Discharge as much of any accumulated charge before hand as possible.
18. Own responsibility for any accumulated charge in the anger that might come from not
talking about it soon enough.
19. Own responsibility for accumulated charge displaced from other hurts. {See 2 below}
20. Commit to grow in your understanding of how much of your charge comes from
childhood abuse/neglect.
21. Commit to recovering from the losses of childhood by effectively identifying, grieving,
and reclaiming them.
22. Apologize from an unashamed place. Make whatever amends are possible.
Include your intention to correct your behavior in the future. Explain your extenuating
circumstances as evidence – not as an excuse - that you were not trying to be hurtful.
📖 Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
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You're no longer going to play the game of what can I do differently to get them to behave differently – because the answer is to that is nothing. That's radical acceptance. It takes long time. And it's not just accepting their behavior is not going to change, it's also the way it affects you is also not going to change. Just because you radically accept doesn't mean that somebody screaming at you is going to hurt any less- it does,it hurts a lot
🟥 Dr. Ramani - Terri Cole
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSHI5N-w5sk
People say it bothers me when they say these things. I say, because they say bothersome things. I don't want you to lose that part of you. That part is good index what is okay, what's not. From that point – excavation. A person pulling their true self out of their relationships. If you grew up with narcissistic parent, it was a true self that never even got to develop. It's how much your identity got co-opted. What do I like, what do I stand for.
🟥 Dr. Ramani - Terri Cole
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSHI5N-w5sk
I'm not setting boundary with these people. “Don't do this with me”. “Don't say this with me”. It's all internal. Because if you try to set a boundary with someone who's narcissistic or antagonistic – it's never going to work. And I think it's unsafe guidance to give.
With this dangerous person no. But what are you willing to tolerate. How can you protect yourself emotionally. What access can you remove. Move these people from VIP section.
🟥 Dr. Ramani - Terri Cole
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSHI5N-w5sk
If they quickly shift the focus back to themselves showing little interest in your shared experience, this is a red flag. Next, sarcastic humor, faux concern, making it harder to pinpoint negativity. It's a strategy to belittle others to elevate themselves without appearing overtly cruel. If you are empathic person this is easily missed because you may interpret these comments as genuine care or humor, not recognizing underline hostility.
🟥 5 clues to spot a covert narc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GJnKq7ccfY
Pause with light-hearted clarification like I'm curious, what did you mean by that? It gives a person a chance to explain, potentially mistake or humor gone wrong. And it puts them on spot to reflect on their comment. Next observe their response and body language closely. If they are covert narcissist they may double down on sarcasm and tease you being too sensitive or become defensive, make themselves victim.
🟥 5 clues to spot a covert narcissist in conversation
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GJnKq7ccfY
Acceptance of you and your opinion, and an acceptance of love for myself. Because I am not responsible for how you see me. And people who are below the veil are always projecting. Project some lack in themselves onto me, or someone else. Know that people are permitted to have their opinions of you, and you don't have to meet them there. Know that at the core you are perfect. More awareness in prefrontal lobe than amygdala you can overcome triggers.
🟥 Lisa A. Romano
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0eHOw3cEeA
We make excuses for the violation. Thinking they are accidents or lapses in judgment, rather then seeing them as deliberate disrespect. Before I understood the concept of boundaries I always thought that people just cross them because I was just bad at setting them. Basically I took their transgressions upon myself and saw the violation as inadequacy on my part. Thinking if I just could be more clear, assertive or direct, they'd respect me
🟥 5 things narcissists always do
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQrV6ZNyIeA
Being compliant and agreeable was a survival strategy as a child but it became a huge liability as an adult because it kept me stuck in pattern of attracting narcissists. I had to intentionally unlearn my over-agreeableness and over time I found that being a truth-teller offers a more formidable protection. Use Subtle Descent Method. This technique uses gentle disagreement without being overtly confrontational. "I am not sure I agree" doesn't escalate.
🟥 Meadow DeVor
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKf3WgdT8zo
Our sense of who we are emerges from our social interactions with others. Through our everyday interactions society reflects back to us our own image, the looking-glass self. But how much of that self-image is what others actually think and how much is what we think they think? Our interactions with others can affect our self concept. Over time negative self reflections lead to negative self concept. What society tells about us may not be accurate.
🟥 Looking Glass Self
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDu5nc_uEPo
People see somebody who's confident or extroverted by nature– they can start to conflate that with narcissism. They may say something that you don't like, they might have an interpersonal style that you just don't like. Intuitively you just don't want to know this person that's completely fine. But this has to be distinct from “I think this person has narcissistic personality disorder”. Look for consistent pattern across time lack of empathy, entitlement
🟥 RICHARD GRANNON
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3PO1bzHFH0
Self Righteousness in Bible
The Holy Spirit does not convict a believer of sin. That is the job of the Devil.
John 16:8
Don't look to the approval of others for your mental stability.
🟦 Karl Lagerfeld
The Self is a social construction
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One consistent element of the serial killers narrative in victim selection was the sob story. And they were all using sob story to test the boundaries of a potential victims. If you shrugged it off, you were no good. But if they could see tears in eyes, “oh, poor baby”, they were like “I got you”. You'll be back in the van soon.
🟥 RICHARD GRANNON
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysIuqHgnbTw
Narcissists are focused on maintaining control at whatever cost. They will break you down, manipulate every single situation so that you come to believe that you are the person that is at fault, and that they are the victims. It can be hard identifying them because their controlling behavior might appear as self-confidence or genuine concern for your well-being.
🟥 How to Survive a Narcissist
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GW10RUD1Imw
Yellow rocking is giving right gray rock responses but with warmth. “Sounds like you had great time”. “That's fun”. To anyone looking at it, it would seem normal. But you're not giving them anything. Firewalling – they way to manage narcissistic relationships – just not sharing anything of significance. Don't share feelings, vulnerabilities, good news, bad news. It's – weather, small talk. I don't share anything vulnerable.
🟥 DoctorRamani | Alanis Morissette
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1OHm0WuwJ4
After you get what you want, you don't want it.
Irving Berlin
Theory of mind is one's ability to recognize that other people have different mental states and perspectives from one's own. It is your ability to theorize what is going on in someone else's mind. This typically develops during our early childhood. Someone who doesn't have developed theory of mind will listen to Sally story and think that marble is in the box. Why? Well they know that marble is in box, so shouldn't everyone think the marble is in the box?
🟥 Theory of Mind
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xov5mF1NauU
Neurotic habits–often the thing that we get really fixated on because it's the thing we most visibly see the results of or feel consequences of,in our daily life, is actually not the root problem.The more we fixate on it, the more we fixate on fighting the right shampoo, the more we are going into wrong direction. Just like not knowing nutrition that vitamin deficiency can lead to hair falling out. Humongous blind-spots what keeps us psychologically healthy
🟥 Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkfK3Ef2wYo
Example- as child, you didn't learn about assertiveness. You didn't learn that it is absolutely crucial part of human relationships to be able to check-in with yourself, say no when you don't want to do something and design your life around the types of things that you authentically do want to do and the types of people you want to be around. We can think of saying no and being assertive as essential vitamin that we need psychologically to stay healthy.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkfK3Ef2wYo
I've learned through looking at my other parent, that the appropriate response to this is to simply ignore it and go on with my life. When it happens, I'm not going to understand consciously why I feel dysregulated. As far as I am concerned, nothing of real consequence has happened to me, so if I feel strong emotional response, “it is just because I am crazy or irrational”. That feeling is still present in my body – tense, angry, scared, disgust, shame.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkfK3Ef2wYo
Jung quote: we don't cure our neurosis, our neurosis cure us. Switch our frame of thinking: “this neurotic thought pattern or this compulsive behavior is ruining my life” to this compulsive thought pattern or behavior is giving me incredibly important information about what I need in order to feel whole – we can start working with those neurosis instead of against them. Underlies unmet needs. One of them – need for deep connection with other people.
🟥 Heidi Priebe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkfK3Ef2wYo
INFJs often get mistaken for extroverts. We come across as very chatty and extroverted, because we crave human connection. However our social battery is very small and we need a lot of alone time. And if we don't get it, we'll just disappear for a while.
🟥 3 Things to Know About an INFJ #infjpersonalitytype
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/zKWepGW0xK4
If you don't learn to value yourself – nothing's ever be good enough. No matter what you seek, externally, nothing is going to fulfill you. Unless you discover who you are, what you're made of, your ugly patterns, your good patterns, your strong traits, your weak traits, unless you develop some self-worth and independence, break the codependency. No one will ever be good enough, always someone else's fault.
🟥 NOTHING IS GOOD ENOUGH
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/yU1JeViVcAM
#1 rule: Stop taking them seriously. I like Jerry's popsicle analogy. When narcissists talk from their delusions, it's like being told, "You are a popsicle." And you KNOW you're not a popsicle. So you just ignore the crazy. Or if you can't ignore because of safety issues... you nod, and say, "Of course, Mom." And then plot to get away from the delusional person as soon as humanly possible.
YT liana2136
Habituation: proceed with caution.
with stimuli that elicit fear, we run the risk of sensitization, which is a worsening of that fear with each subsequent exposure.
https://www.facebook.com/GFCarefreeCanine/
Hawthorne effect:
Individuals modify an aspect of their behavior in response to their awareness of being observed
Interesting facts about the Subconscious mind:
it records everything
always alert and awake
it controls 95% of our lives
it is built on habituation
it speaks to you in dreams
it has no verbal language
it takes everything literally
it can do trillion things at once
is not logical; its the feeling mind
it is one million times powerful than the conscious mind
We must learn how to be surprised, not to adjust ourselves.
Abraham Joshua Heschel
NY times: we can learn to become surprised by corruption, deaths from opioids, abuse of animals in food production or gun violence
In some cases it can be a good thing – but self-improvement is one of the worst mental illnesses somebody can have. Never feeling ready to get married. Never feeling like you are attractive enough to approach a woman. Never feeling like you've quite accomplished enough, enough to graduate to that next stage of your life. That what self-improvement does to you, it makes you feel like you're never good enough.
🟥 LFA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQwynPiXKHI
RSD is about what's wrong with you and wanting to do anything to fix yourself so someone won't want to reject you, even if there's nothing wrong with you and they haven't really rejected you. But then all the trying to fix yourself becomes the problem.
🟥 Hyperemotionality
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0doVM9eSkM
You are not your diagnosis. Then it's used to self-limit. I can't do this because I am this. I can't do anything about it- is very definitive way to think. You use diagnosis not as way to understand yourself but as a way to limit how much life you live. When we identify ourselves by these mental health conditions it gives a power that extends far beyond just disorder itself, it makes it much more difficult to manage. Name doesn't make it real, tangible
🟥 The Mental Break.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueoEO1o_S9w
Just be loving and caring and you'll never be able to make everybody happy. No matter what we post, there will always be somebody who's mad for one reason or another. As long as we have open hearts and genuinely want to do the right thing we are just living our life.
🟥 KC Boys
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0jxXAX7Tc0
It is called identity disturbance. Shared fantasy gives you automatic distortions of reality of me of other people, of life itself. Of what you are instead of who you are.
🟥 theforensicbadass
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/9rWfvtcV534
When you isolate someone it forces them to doubt, ruminate, resent.
YT wombat7961
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Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
― Robert Frost
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It wasn't you. It was an adaptation that you took on as a way of surviving your childhood, as a way of soothing your pain. It's when we got older that we realized that there's something more to us than a personality. That the personality is actually a defensive cover for who we truly are. As you go through therapy and go through layers you realize, oh, that's not actually me. You realize what you thought was personality was actually just a defensive cover
🟥 Dr. Gabor Maté
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cViBkKnbm1I
It's been well studied and documented that repression of healthy anger disturbs the immune system. Healthy anger is intruding on your space and they won't desist, you say – you're in my space, get out. It's in the moment, done it's job and finished with. It's different from chronic rage. Anger is boundary defense. Human emotional system has job in general in allowing what is nurturing, loving and healthy, and keep out what isn't = immune system job.
🟥 Dr. Gabor Maté
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_qhvzDpQpk
The child will choose the attachment and therefore they give up connection to themselves. Which is the essence of trauma– disconnection from ourselves. And we do that for the sake of maintaining the attachments. For the rest of our lives we will be afraid of being ourselves. People pleasers. Trauma is not just personal issue, it is social, collective and historical issues. My point is that nobody is broken. Our first nature is always there. Find true self
🟥 Dr. Gabor Maté
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_qhvzDpQpk
For years I felt so much pain around difficult people because I thought I was doing something wrong. Also, being a reasonable person I couldn't understand why would this person act this way. Hoping that difficult person will change, that hope was actually keeping me from changing.
🟥 Mel Robbins
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IewDusCWdCM
For those without RSD,a critique at work meeting or disapproving glance from a friend can be brushed off relatively easily. Life proceeds without the constant worry that you've somehow failed or aren't good enough, based on every interaction. But for someone with RSD,it's different story. Casual remark or even a joke can be perceived as deep personal attack. The emotional response? It's not just sadness or irritation. It's visceral all consuming pain
🟥 Rejection Sensitive
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eB0m9AzxPpU
Anxiety is uncontrollable and excessive apprehension. Narcissists are anxious for social approval etc. Narcissists resemble very much to patients who suffer from panic attacks and social phobia. Narcissists are embarrassed of being embarrassed and being criticized in public. And most narcissists fail to function well in social settings, interpersonal. This is very common to narcissist and people with social phobia.
🟥 Sam Vaknin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRZG1uLFsrc
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Overcoming social anxiety: insights into trauma, perfectionism, and therapy
Jonathan Berent, LCSW
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkUdW03YUaM
There's a lot of misinformation. What has happened over last few decades is CBT has misled a lot of people with their research, really simplifying the situation.
What drives performance anxiety is shame so people are going to do everything they can do to hide it.
