Battle on many fronts:
Physical symptoms: Triggers/Flashbacks. Brain injury due to trauma. Polyvagal theory - hyper-aroused
Behaviour: Fawn response - Avoidance response - go back and do goals instead. Allergy response, prone to quick moves I regret later, so I have to be careful not to do sudden moves, decisions based on panic. Allergy reaction appear as over-reaction.
Mentally: toxic shame; tyrannical self talk (burden of shoulds, rules, obligations, rationalizations, advocacy), toxic masculinity:
a) stuck - in a loop: Expecting negative experience, see trigger as expanding negative experience, getting stuck with intrusive thoughts like leech - can't shake it off, pure OCD, general immobility on outside but inside it is rat wheel - spinning in one place. I need to take concrete steps despite procrastinating to break rat wheel immobility. Ambiguity gives energy to worry. Others reaction or imaginary criticism immobilizes. Interpreting reaction as negative and assault and shutting up about it, worrying inside. Tunnel vision, not being aware of alternative. Imaginary audience or one person shaming me. Past events and future predictions. Flash of the reason to feel embarrassed (how I look, talk, walk, act)
b) suck - all is black: blame myself for anything, perfectionist-as a way of pleasing others, saying yes. Instead - looking forward to something. I see uncomfortable will last forever, that it is permanent - no, it will pass. Seeing myself as shameful, pitiful, dull, not accepted
External factor: people who lie, provide false information, ashame, exploit, mock
External factor: they exploit kind, quiet, nice targets. Manipulation - guilt trip. Controlling through shaming. Cause trauma. Cause triggers that sets hyper-arousal loops.
Spiritual: Not being grateful (Unknown Factor as new label)
All: Emotional dysregulation, amygdala hijacking, program running from trauma: people pleasing, fawning, panic. Ebbinghaus curve - I will forget all instructions and be left to natural habitual responses. Brain injury - I will forget all instruction and default back to being stuck and that all is black. Chronically anxious beneath. Expecting sudden assault. Can't take rest. Hypervigilant, hyperalert. Sometimes I can do all right things and bad still happening, it is not my fault, guilt. One word solution: advocacy. With mistakes included, being willing to be wrong, stupid, being ok with making fool of myself for not being perfect.
Relationship/Attachment: codependency, Avoidance, need to fix, need to control others, demand myself to prove to others I am right, wrong associations as danger - allergy - seeing others as threat by me misreading their signs, if not in freeze/fawn mode: I tend to be in whining, complainig, nag, pontificate mode. Unable to see other criticism it as joke, gag, unimportant or any other explanation than personal attack - it is injury. Unable to handle toxic shaming from others. Obsessed what someone thinks or might think. Obsession how someone acts reacts. Urge to fix others. Enabling others - doing for others what they can do themselves. I see other people over-reaction as normal and standard. I act calmly, shut up and appear cool and calm but inside physical sensations - this is moral injury I am not calm really. Being zoomed in. Not seeing grand plan. Taking about trauma turns me into karen, hysterical, I appear dramatic. Talking venting about rude people I appear annoying, whiner. Need to give advice - forgetting all people are different and hide secrets they are not aware of themselves. I can only talk about my experiences and own solutions. I see others as kind and caring as me, but not on par, that they are stronger and better and more valid so I must obey them automatically - instead solution is being able to degrade them from imaginary pedestal, to lower the notch of my urge to help, let them do things they can do on their own. Solution is from Zoroastrianism: speaking truth, being genuine, honest, authentic, and I have to expect that truth speaking will cause stir up, controversy and hysterical reactions from others. Without ethical rudeness, without explosions, without drama I can explain my views in calm manner.
UPDATE:
Mentally:
a) stuck - in a loop: intrusive worry as leech is due to addiction - adrenaline hormones inside,
double bind - avoid is bad I should expose in the same time avoid is ok to remove myself from toxic people and to recharge.
b) suck - all is black: people pleasing is due to addiction - chemicals inside body act like drug
Relationship/Attachment: I take blame automatically without question, freeze response, take the beating without protest (this attracts narcissists, who are beating the dead horse).
Cognitive distortion makes me believe that I will forever be in inferior position, stuck with toxic people so I fawn as reaction to this false belief that appears as solid reality.
All: hormones, chemicals, brain injury, social constructs of appearing nice and civil prevents me from standing up for myself, prevents me from taking action.
All: I define normal or neutral things as bad, that is social anxiety.
All: hypervigilance is like monolith, hot plate inside you cannot remove, foreign object
a) stuck: trapped, not move away, witness crime not doing anything about it: I freeze due to toxic persons ad hominem accusations against my externally and unfair defined mistakes, overgeneralized and externally intruded definitions of flaws and ignorance
QUOTE
In 1983, the American philosopher and psychologist Jerry Fodor (b. 1935) reached a stunning conclusion. the mind could not possibly be a single, general-purpose program. instead, it has to be a collection of
many special-purpose programs each with its own rules.
Introducing Evolutionary Psychology: A Graphic Guide
(UPDATE 13-11-2022)
I would replace Spiritual manifold with Unknown factor.
This would cover the source of fear/anxiety stemming from unexplored area which I cannot know, which I am not aware that it exist, which I have no label to identify. For example - sixth sense. Or having ability to sense more than others, and this would include paranormal activities. I would also include here possessions and influence of unknown entities which are impossible to prove, define or legitimize.
Unknown factor may be something described in sci-fi even. While External factor is negative predators influence which is causing anxiety - on the other hand Unknown factor by large is positive factor: it is warning and alarming and alerting where the messenger is not bad nor evil - it is simply bringing the message of impending doom that might be avoided by taking cover and being careful.
Apart from paranormal causes - there is also factor of undiscovered or unrecognized issues and concepts - such as CPTSD.
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| Calabi-Yau manifold - many and various. In mathematics, a manifold is a topological space that locally resembles Euclidean space near each point. |
‘Believe me: It is no teaching and no instruction that I give you…My path is not your path therefore I cannot teach you. The way is within us, but not in Gods, nor in teachings, nor in laws. Within us is the way, the truth, and the life.’
CARL JUNG
