It's up to me to give them time for them to realize that I am OK and that I am not rejection material.
When the anxiety sets in, I feel like I must not exist, that people hate me so much.
I also have trouble with notion:
I don't recognize conflict.
I don't recognize psychopaths.
Beneath avoidance there is fear of conflict. I forget that you can't be mean to someone who is not mean to you. I should tell that to aggressive person. Probably the answer would be that they have been felt attacked by something irritating action I took that I was unaware of.
The mental illness part is when you imagine that the other person is rude. It seems like rude behaviour, while in reality it isn't.
Avoidant PD is chronic, yet the symptoms could be curbed, to such an extent that impairment part of illness can be managed and thus we could be able to operate in the world.
So logically, if we look at the symptoms - just turn around them in their opposite and you'll get goals to work upon:
1) Don't avoid activities.
2) Don't cancel. Confirm to yourself that your outfit is OK.
3) Don't restrain from intimate interaction. Tell I love you.
4) Not being preoccupied by being rejected.
5) Not view self as inferior.
6) Prone to take risks.
Which leads to the next issue -
1) I am making progress and I have no knowledge about it, there are no statistics to compare and track it. Make maybe MS Excel chart, a table, list of pet peeves.
2) I have trouble with recognizing when I am being doormat. I need to step back to realize there are toxic people. Logic behind is: If I am not rude to you, why you act aggressively towards me? What is my fault if someone is difficult to deal with? There are many jokers out there, it is extroverts way of communication - making silly fun, mocking, teasing - we don't know the boundaries and we can't join in because such common social behaviour evokes hidden hurt, embarrassment and toxic shame, and usually it lefts us in thinking mode instead of focusing to socialize and have fun.
3) Depression - also problem with recognizing it since it creeps up in "regular" thinking process and hides underneath it. I should be aware.
4) Knowing what my levelers are, check them without developing into analysis paralysis - and know how to keep them in balance.
Seems to me that regular psychology doesn't give much room to the surroundings of AvPD people. They don't mention toxic people phenomena at all. They don't mention at all how tyrant and tyranny affects us. They say, life is hard and difficulties are part of life and we ought to endure it. They don't make any insight what to do when you are abused. They make no effort to explain how yelling affects us, especially those who are already hypersensitive. The only time they mention mocking is in a context that mocking might be the possible reason as the start of avoidant behaviour, they mention nothing about being mocked later in life or possibly in the future. They mention we need to work on our life skills - but they don't go into details what that is. And I know why, we are all different. My issues with life skills are focused more on stop being pushover, being used, being too nice, fear of conflict and confrontation, being totally ignorant and unaware what to do in such situations - other than to avoid them.
Inferiority complex is mentioned as a sideline note. Although it breeds aggression from our side, after we remember all the time we were abused and taken advantage, we easily fall into trap of wanting to fight back - but the problem is if the fighting is coming from feeling inadequate and feeling inferior, it will lead to more hurt and more avoidance since it is not based on real issue behind it.
Those people with AvPD who force themselves to go out there are aware of shizo part of AvPD. Once you force yourself not to avoid, you get aware of intrusive thoughts which are well hidden when we are in safe zone and comfort zone. You go outside and you "know" someone is out there and he or she is hating you, mocking you, laugh at you - even though you know how ridiculous that thought is, and even if there is such person out there - that person would be abnormal, since normal people don't behave like that in public towards other people. So AvPDers are left to strategy to not react to such intrusive thoughts. PureOCD facts help in this case. Problem lies when AvPD does not recognize schizophrenic part. And also the related problem is when you engage in such intrusive thoughts automatically. (engage = think about them, analyze them, try to avoid them, stop them). We have to take manual over ride of our brain when we stop avoiding. We have to make decision not to be on auto pilot and over ride automatic thought process. Am I doing something to avoid without being aware of it?
Once being out there, in the most cases instead of anxiety, fear and phobia, mental anguish and strong urge to avoid, we actually experience:
1) it's annoying
2) uncomfortable
3) irritating
4) action is easier when I have goal/task to accomplish
5) it is easier when I am in company of someone I know from before and who is not criticizing me, who is not angry
Since rejection is big deal to us, we need to learn how to react to rejection. And how to deal with rejection?
From my own experience, I learned that rebuttal helps. The words I say back - I try to be effective, point focused and direct. It helps me to feel better and it helps to clear things, since many times the other person is totally unaware about the world around them and people around them. They have their own script which is totally wrong and it's our own words the only way to tackle that wrongness. I found that usually if I like the other person, and that person is for some reason displaying anger or irritation towards me, that it is up to me to tell that person that I don't hate them, and that I like them and I would not do anything to hurt them.
On top of it all, common problem is amnesia. For some reason, if I remember all helpful tips about avoidance, when in the actual situation, under stress - I get amnesia - I forget all tips. I forget all facts. For example, I don't remember that I am prone to be over sensitive - so I react to things I wouldn't react if I only was aware that I am prone to be over sensitive. I think this is connected to fight or flight mechanism, part of brain that puts priority over essential - avoid, run away and that is the only concern in the world. Like some comment found on you tube: our brain is not made to make us happy, it is made to make us survive.
Things to take into account:
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