Avoidant Personality Disorder - some random thoughts II - how I got well in my mind

 I need to be aware when I complain about my life, I put people off. It feels good to me, but others will be tortured by it, some will be quiet out of respect and they won't say anything to me (tell me in face something like: "stop it, I had enough"), others will get annoyed and express that irritation which I'll interpret as an attack on me. It feels good to complain but it really drains others people energy who listen to your complaining.

30% of people get cured from AvPD. I wondered why those people don't share their experience and thus heal others?
Something like flu, you get antibodies - you inject those in patients from those who overcome their illness in order for patients to get well and thus easily remove virus from their bodies.
I know now that we share Avoidance part, but PD is different for an each individual and thus it wouldn't help me to listen others experience, I would interpret it as "complaining" and it would exhaust me, increase fear - while in fact they only tell how they got cured. So just because they are cured, it doesn't mean they don't have other living, breathing issues that are not related to AvPD directly, per se. To me their talk, explanations and experiences will seem connected, glued and perplexed - and it wouldn't help me much.

People who are abused have certain negative aura - and you get urge to kick them, attack them. They, unconsciously, are irritating to other people. This is one of many reasons why aggression is wrong approach in life. When you are too nice and when someone takes advantage of you, curb your aggression, you never know what the other person is going through (no matter how annoying & obnoxious they might appear).

I spill inadequacy to others. I think I am not capable, (being convinced in it), I go extra length to "help", while in fact I should stop and not react the same way every single time- being pushover every single time.

Mental illness might seem isolating and different but we can learn from others. Others are having the same distortions - only in less intensity. Don't tell them it's annoying, don't control others.

People who are unforgiving, when I make a mistake - they catastrophize it and severely punish me because of my mistake.

Because of PureOCD and AvPD I don't have connections - so I do not know rejection. This word rejection doesn't mean anything to me. Definition of rejection is different in my mind. They say AvPD fears rejection. This sentence, this word "rejection" makes no sense to me, I ignore it (and yet it is crucial for getting well).

Amnesia that I get when outside and under stress (fight or flight product - to forget everything and focus only on thing of what I'm afraid), is not necessarily bad - use it to your advantage. It helps to have blank table, Tabula rasa, clean slate. Thus no burden from before.

Social skill:
How are you?
Interested in person, we stop asking, prowl, we're afraid they will mock us.

Personality disorder is like house building.
It's like each child has a set of tasks to fulfill until they are adults. Their task is to build a house. So they start with project, choosing material, colours, they put it on blueprint, go to paper work and building permissions, gathering resources... Then the building starts. For some kids, this process is interrupted at some stage or their blueprint is misaligned. Some kids have their blueprint without windows and they are not aware they have no windows. They build their house without windows. The house has all other features though - it has inner pluming, it has electricity, carpets, IKEA furniture, bed coverings and nice pillows, house pets and nice garden outside. Yet - no windows. No one told those kids about windows or at some cases the kid has no knowledge what window is by defintion, some kids didn't see a house ever before, and some kids had no one to compare their house with. So, the house is finished and there are no windows. The house will function well, at time. There is chimney, so the smoke can go outside, and there is door - so people can walk and walk out. On surface, everything works fine and dandy. Yet - a person might feel they are missing something, especially when they get a magazines with pictures of other houses! Or they hear stories about other houses with vague descriptions - like "I love looking outside during the winter" - which gets interpreted to windowless kids as - "I like to open a door and watch outside". Then it get dysfunctional because you let the heat out and cold in. Without sun through the window you lack vitamin D during the winter time, because you spend dark winters in your windowless house. Remember, you are not aware that your house is missing windows. You have some indications, you see pictures of windows and you interpret it as beautiful outside decor - you might paint the wall with mural of windows - but actual windows are still missing. Waking up from PD is getting through the process realizing your house is without windows and during your building stage you got your house wrong way. Remember - the house is functional in every other way. It is not your fault because you understood it wrong. The house is not defective. The house is OK, it just needs freaking windows. This allegory works in other variants - for example, you might get wrong about the roof so you get wet during rain. You are convinced that this is normal so you actually insulate every room from moisture and you make great drainage inside each room - while in fact you are missing the roof part to protect your head and cover you from rain.

Once I stop worry, obsess and illness, I will have capacity to focus and remember to do important stuff, my goals. I'll have much easier time remembering to take my keys when I go outside.

Extroverts and abusers found out this secret: To say out what you think. 
Introverts don't know they are allowed to say out what they think because they don't break the ice at all. This is why it is called breaking the ice. For sensitive people, T+there is that first impact that feels indeed like some barrier is broken through. They don't go through the other side. They can rest assured, will still be introverts once the ice is broken. Nothing will change. They just need to break the ice - and say what they think.

Most people do have avoidant issues, most people lack social skills.
So it only seems to us like others are strong, extroverts, superhuman without and issue in avoidance area. They will feel the exact symptoms as AvPD in certain situations. AvPD behaviour is not contained, bottled sickness only made for AvPD sufferers. This is why they see our complaints like as if we're victims. They think they know how deep it hurts to be rejected. They have no idea it is multiple times worse for us, we have it in 3D 5K Ultra HD LED while they have BW 50s TV set. And then their comments hurt us additionally.

Even though they hurt, good thing about extroverts (outgoing people, loud people, rude people, chatty people) - you can tell them in face the truth without hiding and without withholding yourself. Use this in your advantage. Yes, they might mock - don't stop them in mocking, it feels good to them because they feel scared really and this is their exhausting pipe - if you insist to stop their mocking, they'll explode - try to ignore it or tell stop only when they cross their limits; they might yell (at first) - they'll stop if you ask them to stop. But point is to speak to them. With introverts it is different, since you don't get response, you don't know if you are hurting them with your words, even if they tell you it is ok and you start to self censor yourself in order no to hurt that person. This is exactly why I choose Agreeableness as lifestyle choice, it is the best choice how to see world and act in world.

You presume I am like this, and you have based this presumption on your own explanation, not truth.

Avoid toxic people issue since it sounds like official psychiatry.
Lead teaching people no to be jerks.

Allergy in the body, that is like being oversensitive in external, social life. How people treat me? What I react to? Over-react? If they are aggressive - are they really? Consider they might not be. 

I can do something - I should say: why, reason and not expect attack, not expect acceptance.

Mocking is ok, I can't expect to ban and censor and banish all "hate", meme, instal political correctness 100%,. Like millennials attack movie Airplane! (1980) because they see mocking - I don't since I grew up with it. There is dark shadow by Jung, it's ok. Like South park provocations. Let it be.

Really, the point is I don't care anymore what someone think about me, feel about me or say about me. It would hurt me of they hate me, and it would be embarrassing if they yell it out on me, but I do not base my worth based on their (probably temporary) standpoint. That is all normal human behaviour, nothing to be fixed or cured. I can say calm down, I can try to do it in a way they would understand it as small screaming kid with wet diapers.

Toxic - do not destroy it, because that would mean censorship of anger, for example it leads to OCD, that I must behave perfectly - instead of everyday living task, I am being focused on how I act.

When someone talk we are afraid to ask clarification - because usually they yell as their answer. As child I learned I must not ask because I was punished, hit, hurt, been told that I am stupid etc.

Narcissist want to prove point, they have need to overpower. So if I ask more which would reveal them as imposters, and their true actions beneath the mask (as gullible look them and believe in their external behaviour and acts)  - so they defend themselves by attacking, yelling, telling us to shut up, we're stupid. Don't believe in those labels, they are just labeling 1) to hurt us 2) to cover their evil plans beneath, plans we don't see. If someone yells and is aggressive - he is hiding something, it is smoking gun something is beneath, they are not honest, they have evil actions inside and only by aggression they cover it up.

Highly sensitive people are quick to recognize border and when someone cross the boundary. Extroverts are quick to get over it.

Sterilization -
 you are driving people to develop symptoms of mental illness. That way they don't focus on toxic people. 

Toxic people - give them time to change. 
not reapeating pattern every single time.

How to react:
speak my mind without violence. If someone say shut up - no keep talking. If opened for communication. Most of us would stop when out of line.

Example dealing with people - just like you tube, 3 strikes and out.

Extroverts accuse sensitive people over-reactive and controlling while jokers control by mocking and narcissist by yelling.

I have tendency to shut up, someone yelling. Say every little single thing - i should. it makes difference.

As avoidant, I am convinced I can't talk because I think I don't have tools inside to talk and to confront. This comes from inferiority complex and belief other person hates me.

Toxic people - give them chance, like you tube copyright strike 3 times - tell them to stop and leave. I should talk to them - to talk it out. They will leave when they will attacked.
Avoid them, but if they come back - continue talking.

Toxic people put too much pressure. unrealistic standards, impossible standards.

Toxic people produce rough diamonds, you being the diamond. Diamond you become when you realize there are no toxic people, only wounded children.

Nag: if someone is nagging, he becomes boy who cried wolf. When the real trouble comes, nobody will pay attention to their cries.

Amnesia: if you dont understand it with experience but only as words and logic, you will forget it. Linger as much that you can get.

Toxic, abusers have message for us we didn't learn in childhood due to personality disorder.
Disorder: me caring what they think. not engaging in contacts.

Toxic: other people have better idea, unique idea burried under yelling and screaming.

Don't avoid toxic - confront them.

Don't be rude - sugar coat it.

By avoiding - I hurt people - who I avoid.

Yin-Yang.

Toxic shame, pure ocd is originating from introverted part while to avoidant it seem it is coming from external - so they withdraw.

As Caretaker we need to understand, not to change, initiate talk if other side is willing.

Avoidant know intelectually that feeling scared is connected with ashaming and distortion. That is logical explanation. That is only on surface. Beneath there is deeper reason and explanation for toxic shame and wrong ideas. That is wrong conclusion from childhood. "Everybody hates me". "I am not worthy."

Adults need to self-censor themselves. They need to be their own parent. That means to control their emotions, hunches, nudges. Not to let it run wild. Otherwise we cross other people's boundaries.

When you yell, scream, you are out of balance - you are not free, you focus on pain, you forget other things that are important, things you need to do, you don't get better or any idea what to do best. This is caused by virus (false belief based on false word). You believe in and base your main focus upon it. Life is about balance.

Yin must be kind. Not hysteric. Put cork on genie in a bottle - you pull cork out when you need it. You open it when you need it. It should not be open all the time (yelling, cursing, screaming, attacking). It should not be closed all the time (avoiding, hiding, hurting, depressed, shame). Yang is genie in the bottle, it has place to hide. Yang is outgoing, outside. Yang must be kind. Yang is prone to open aggression like screaming in one direction. Yin is prone to burst emotion, like screaming out at the whole world.

Yang want to hear you accept and respect them. You need to respect your boss, thank him, appreciate him, knowing he gives you job and it doing very hard to keep business going. This doesn't mean we need to tolerate his behaviour when he is angry and when he is hurting you as result. You tell him, put boundaries.

Yin want to hear that you respect her, appreciate her and she is needed and valued. Yin has inferiority complex which is hidden by wearing a mask of superiority. Problem is when Yin uses tools of superiority - it is tool meant for Yang, not for Yin. Yin don't know how those tools are working. Yelling, screaming - hurts people, it should be directed and used in clever way, when someone needs to be neutralized because they are flipping of in madness.

WHAT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE
 Once you stop avoiding, you'll be shocked to find out that there are people out there that you never observed before - normal people, kind people, not attractive yet friendly and shocking part is that they are hurting all the time because of your avoidance - you never payed respect, look at them, maybe talk to them, say hi. This is shocking because our avoidant thinking make us think that all people are scary and angry at us, that they are not interested in us at all. Furthermore, you start to realize that they need help and you can give that help - and that you want to help.

You'll see that you need to go through 3 stages: 1) allergy: shock to new situation 2) auto immune: this is where we need information otherwise we'll have feelings of blame, our focus should be on problem, new thing 3) immunity: we understand the problem by coming up with new idea that is good one for each party. Univeral message: everything is ok unless unkind or violent.This new idea should suit all sides, all should feel natural with this new idea. Otherwise, someone will suffer. There should be balance. This means, it should be based on honesty. True feelings, the more honest you are, you'll be better. If you cover up, just to please someone, you won't be happy, and you are not honest to the other party. You are adult, there is no shame anymore, tell what is bothering you, other people can't know what bothers you.

Concrete example:
 You live in a apartment with thin walls. New neighbors upstairs are loud. They don't know they are too loud but you don't want to bang on their doors and shout because you are nice guy and agreeable. What is going on? If you keep too silent, they will not know that there are thin walls. If you decide not to tell them in face (you don't know how they'll react) you have option - by teaching them through behaviour. This means, you start to be loud too - especially during early morning, so they start to notice that there is sound outside their space. Don't do any drastic (too loud) - we don't want to hurt them or scare them. The balance is always the key. We teach other people as we are treated.
We treat other people as we are taught.

Avoidant Personality Disorder - some thoughts in general

I keep forgetting the fact: People don't hate me. And I know if I stay long enough, I'd realize that.
It's up to me to give them time for them to realize that I am OK and that I am not rejection material.
When the anxiety sets in, I feel like I must not exist, that people hate me so much.
I also have trouble with notion:
I don't recognize conflict.
I don't recognize psychopaths.

Beneath avoidance there is fear of conflict. I forget that you can't be mean to someone who is not mean to you. I should tell that to aggressive person. Probably the answer would be that they have been felt attacked by something irritating action I took that I was unaware of.
The mental illness part is when you imagine that the other person is rude. It seems like rude behaviour, while in reality it isn't.

Avoidant PD is chronic, yet the symptoms could be curbed, to such an extent that impairment part of illness can be managed and thus we could be able to operate in the world.
So logically, if we look at the symptoms - just turn around them in their opposite and you'll get goals to work upon:
1) Don't avoid activities.
2) Don't cancel. Confirm to yourself that your outfit is OK.
3) Don't restrain from intimate interaction. Tell I love you.
4) Not being preoccupied by being rejected.
5) Not view self as inferior.
6) Prone to take risks.

Which leads to the next issue -
1) I am making progress and I have no knowledge about it, there are no statistics to compare and track it. Make maybe MS Excel chart, a table, list of pet peeves.
2) I have trouble with recognizing when I am being doormat. I need to step back to realize there are toxic people. Logic behind is: If I am not rude to you, why you act aggressively towards me? What is my fault if someone is difficult to deal with? There are many jokers out there, it is extroverts way of communication - making silly fun, mocking, teasing - we don't know the boundaries and we can't join in because such common social behaviour evokes hidden hurt, embarrassment and toxic shame, and usually it lefts us in thinking mode instead of focusing to socialize and have fun.
3) Depression - also problem with recognizing it since it creeps up in "regular" thinking process and hides underneath it. I should be aware.
4) Knowing what my levelers are, check them without developing into analysis paralysis - and know how to keep them in balance.

Seems to me that regular psychology doesn't give much room to the surroundings of AvPD people. They don't mention toxic people phenomena at all. They don't mention at all how tyrant and tyranny affects us. They say, life is hard and difficulties are part of life and we ought to endure it. They don't make any insight what to do when you are abused. They make no effort to explain how yelling affects us, especially those who are already hypersensitive. The only time they mention mocking is in a context that mocking might be the possible reason as the start of avoidant behaviour, they mention nothing about being mocked later in life or possibly in the future. They mention we need to work on our life skills - but they don't go into details what that is. And I know why, we are all different. My issues with life skills are focused more on stop being pushover, being used, being too nice, fear of conflict and confrontation, being totally ignorant and unaware what to do in such situations - other than to avoid them.

Inferiority complex is mentioned as a sideline note. Although it breeds aggression from our side, after we remember all the time we were abused and taken advantage, we easily fall into trap of wanting to fight back - but the problem is if the fighting is coming from feeling inadequate and feeling inferior, it will lead to more hurt and more avoidance since it is not based on real issue behind it.

Those people with AvPD who force themselves to go out there are aware of shizo part of AvPD. Once you force yourself not to avoid, you get aware of intrusive thoughts which are well hidden when we are in safe zone and comfort zone. You go outside and you "know" someone is out there and he or she is hating you, mocking you, laugh at you - even though you know how ridiculous that thought is, and even if there is such person out there - that person would be abnormal, since normal people don't behave like that in public towards other people. So AvPDers are left to strategy to not react to such intrusive thoughts. PureOCD facts help in this case. Problem lies when AvPD does not recognize schizophrenic part. And also the related problem is when you engage in such intrusive thoughts automatically. (engage = think about them, analyze them, try to avoid them, stop them). We have to take manual over ride of our brain when we stop avoiding. We have to make decision not to be on auto pilot and over ride automatic thought process. Am I doing something to avoid without being aware of it?
Once being out there, in the most cases instead of anxiety, fear and phobia, mental anguish and strong urge to avoid, we actually experience:
1) it's annoying
2) uncomfortable
3) irritating
4) action is easier when I have goal/task to accomplish
5) it is easier when I am in company of someone I know from before and who is not criticizing me, who is not angry

Since rejection is big deal to us, we need to learn how to react to rejection. And how to deal with rejection?

From my own experience, I learned that rebuttal helps. The words I say back - I try to be effective, point focused and direct. It helps me to feel better and it helps to clear things, since many times the other person is totally unaware about the world around them and people around them. They have their own script which is totally wrong and it's our own words the only way to tackle that wrongness. I found that usually if I like the other person, and that person is for some reason displaying anger or irritation towards me, that it is up to me to tell that person that I don't hate them, and that I like them and I would not do anything to hurt them.

On top of it all, common problem is amnesia. For some reason, if I remember all helpful tips about avoidance, when in the actual situation, under stress - I get amnesia - I forget all tips. I forget all facts. For example, I don't remember that I am prone to be over sensitive - so I react to things I wouldn't react if I only was aware that I am prone to be over sensitive. I think this is connected to fight or flight mechanism, part of brain that puts priority over essential - avoid, run away and that is the only concern in the world. Like some comment found on you tube: our brain is not made to make us happy, it is made to make us survive.

Things to take into account:





















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