2.1.2023
" I'm pretty sure I have social anxiety"
What I am saying in this comment is my own experience. I am not therapist nor I have PhD in psychology (at least in this time of life).
I am sharing here my knowledge and education and experience of 33 (thirty three) years with and of social anxiety.
With social anxiety we have rigid mindset - we do not allow ourselves to doubt (Google Descartes Evil demon hypthothesis).
Due to exposure to narcissistic abuse we were exposed to conditioning in toxic shame - so we are programmed to believe other people and to see other people as gods and competent, while we see ourselves as incompeten (external locus of control - google it).
What I am saying - trust yourself more.
Educate yourself, learn, read - but you are - realize - that you are captain of your ship.
IF you feel social anxiety - that is reality to you. Don't let CBT or internet gurus or comments like mine - make you reject yourself, reject your Self.
With toxic shame, abuse, conditioning, Complex Trauma experience - we do not trust ourselves at all - we don't have intrinsic locus of control (google it or look at my Psychology playlist videos to learn more).
That is CPTSD - google it, also.
Learn and educate yourself more and more so that you can make decision for yourself and debate from your perspective and experience - perhaps your own experience will contribute to learning about social anxiety to someone who did not conform to official definitions of social anxiety.
Also, with debate we can learn and discover more - perhaps there is something else going on which mimics social anxiety.
Humanistic therapies tell us to trust ourselves, love ourselves, validate ourselves as primary task.
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"Is it social anxiety when a group of people you are close to at the beginning and then they rejected you"
Rejection contributes to inhibitions and avoidance in social anxiety, yeah.
Think of social anxiety as being stuck at toxic job without means to escape and others at work - employees and clients and boss yell at you, nag, complain, make your mistakes into drama and catastrophe all the time, 24/7, via SMS and e.mail - it never stops - and you do not defend yourself because of loss of job (let's say you are in poor country with no healthy economy) -so you are forced to endure ongoing abuse.
So we can define someone turning their back on you as abuse - psychological abuse more.
With social anxiety we tend to blame ourselves.
Did you blame yourself?
What you did for them to turn back on you?
Did you say something?
Did you do something wrong?
With social anxiety we get stuck in such self doubt queries and we try to fit in into toxic ambient thinking we are obliged to serve others and be part of herd mentality due to toxic shame.
I ask because narcissism hides itself behind social anxiety.
Narcissists tend to be rude to others and abuse them but due to narcissistic personality they are not able to realize that they are the cause of people leaving them.
With true social anxiety we question and change ourselves and label ourselves as wrong. And hence develop toxic shame (deep seated self hatred).
Start investigating these questions.
How you see other people around you?
Do you see them as object to use and that they must admire and appraise and appease you? = narcissism masked as social anxiety.
Of do you see others as threat that they will punish you for some unknown reason? = social anxiety.
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"the fear "that they validated you for something but you'll end up making them reject you again"
Good noticing.
We need to make clear definitions what our inhibitions, fears, hang ups are. And where they come from.
Social anxiety can occur at any dysregulation - due to any reason - and there is difference between shy fear and fear of immediate violence - but it feels the same inside.
Triggers in social anxiety is someone's negative criticism related to our social safety.
When we do some work - and someone nags that we are not educated enough - toxic shame. Or that our task has created some kind of damage to someone or something.
The fear of admiration and appraisal and entitlement that all people must accept us - is more narcissism than social anxiety. Borderline.
These two trigger groups are very much fused and it is hard to make distinction until someone points it out like I did here.
With all fears, inhibitions and trauma - we are like hypnotized, programmed we run and execute script and go on auto pilot - without being aware what drives us to fear.
Jung said that until we make unconscious to be conscious, it will lead our life and we will be convinced that such is life, there's nothing we can do about it, it appears as fate.
Social anxiety basically comes down to being formed and started by being constantly criticized, put down by untreated mentally ill person in our midst.
Basically it is fear of punishment.
This is extremely hard to confess for men - we are instructed to appear strong, to reject what society defines as sissy female emotions - so most socially anxious will not admit that they are afraid of getting hurt, physical violence or someone being mean to us - since society interprets this as non-manly, beta, sub-human.
Then instead of investigating our unconsciousness - we accept groupthink herd mentality explanations about fears - and this way society makes us into narcissists - and many narcissists mimic social anxiety.
This means, we appear stoic, we put on fake mask of superiority and we never ever admit being vulnerable, humble or anything that might be labeled as sissy by someone.
Then trauma fester inside and we will develop mental illness - and resolve it by attacking other people - hence social anxiety and trauma will spread onto the next generation through abuse as a way to handle dysregulation and panic and undefined fears inside us.
Social anxiety starts as trauma, being exposed to abuse while we were hapless kids - and we never process the pain and attack - and now it is stuck inside us as fear of punishment and what other people might do to us when they are angry.
Social anxiety is ability to detect very easily toxic people - even when toxic people are only thinking about harming other people. Social anxiety is not illness - there is nothing to fix.
What needs to be done is to change our perception of social anxiety - into something positive that help us with social situations:
that we cut contact with toxic people and plan our exit when someone feels scary and narcissistic - which we feel as social anxiety.
With CBT and wrong explanations of social anxiety we end up blaming ourselves and trying to be strong and superior - overcompensating our confidence.
It is totally normal to feel fear and panic when someone is rude and dangerous.
If we stifle down our natural reactions to abnormal people - we will develop mental illness and society sets us up to do that - in order to appear alpha macho male Chad.
Then we end up with narcissism mimicking social anxiety: where we see other people as object. And crave their attention only to abuse them and hurt them before they hurt us first. We have no ability to form attachment with other people - since we are programmed to reject vulnerability and admitting mistakes as being sissy and unmanly.
It all comes down to be regulated - that we no longer get triggered by our trauma - and this can be achieved by self trust, self validation, self love, self acceptance - that we accept our fears, panic and sissy emotions as normal reactions, normal parts of ourselves - when we are in difficult circumstances.
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This is not social anxiety. It is shyness, normal level of social anxiety where we are afraid of making other people judgmental, angry.
Social anxiety is being stuck in toxic job with co-workers, clients and boss screaming and yelling at you for just about anything you do, and you cannot quit due to rent and fear of living homeless, being attacked by hooligans on the streets exposed to cold and hunger. That is social anxiety.
Fear of not fitting in to herd mentality, group think is conformism and ableism.
Fear of seeking approval and admiration from other people so that they confirm we are ok is narcissism, and other people are then narcissistic supply.
"Flatmates respected my routine"
Social anxiety is when we are in toxic ambient with toxic people who do not respect anything about us. Then social anxiety does not magically go away with exposure.
That is why videos like this are misleading and cause psychological damage to people with true social anxiety, not shyness.
People with true social anxiety- and this means being trapped in toxic ambient with toxic people with inability to move away (due to any reason) - will not magically heal and become socially party animals by exposing.
Exposure does not help - since social anxiety is social - problem are toxic people in social settings not us being kind, nice, open and friendly or feeling fear and panic when in the presence of toxic people.
"I realized we all have our unique functioning in social settings"
Yep - and problem start to occur when there are narcissists, stubborn, hysterical people who laugh, attack and bully anything that is outside of their own definition about functioning in social settings.
Problem are narcissists - true cause of social anxiety. Now our uniqueness.
"Makes me feel most included"
With narcissists there is no inclusion. And social anxiety will still exist.
Most people with social anxiety do not have wealthy parents, do not have silver spoon in their mouth since birth - so they cannot travel to far away countries which are healthier, they cannot pay school nor change settings depending on toxic people around. Then they are stuck in toxic ambient with toxic people- and that is social anxiety.
This is all great - but it does nothing with covert narcissists, bullying, mobbing - all the triggers that caused social anxiety in the first place and which will keep flashbacks and trauma alive since it is not resolved.
Idea to self pathologize ourselves is bad idea, it will build toxic shame and it is self abuse.
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"To face one’s fears is always hard"
Instead of King of the hill competition - I would rather examine from where this fears spring from.
With social anxiety - we have untreated mentally ill person around us close to us who is causing this issue of toxic shame, self hatred and perfectionism.
“Where your fear is, there is your task” - Carl Jung
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Yet without fears we would not be able to detect toxic people like Amber - and then we would end up being broke, labeled by the whole world as rapist and criminal and our movie career would be over.
All emotions are ok.
If we start to stifle down our emotions and reject them - this leads to mental illness.
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If we choose to label our social fears as disgusting and something to laugh, reject and be embarrassed about - we will develop deep toxic shame and later on narcissism - since we will develop fake mask which will not allow certain emotions such as being vulnerable, confused, not knowing how to react.
Idea to label our fears as sick - will create mental illness.
If we are not anti-social: meaning we do not kill people, we do not have evil agenda to harm people, we are not serial killers, we are not Trump or Putin; we are not criminally insane, we are not criminals engaging in criminal unlawful act: there is nothing sick, wrong with us.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma - it starts as abuse in our childhood where we are exposed to untreated mentally ill person around us who criticize and complain and nag all the time and punish us for not knowing something as adults. It is conditioning - and it is totally outside of our control - that is why we have "lack of courage" today - it is not matter of courage at all - it is trauma stuck inside our body.
So if we label our trauma as "courage" we will come up with idea to be strong - and this leads to narcissism and becoming abusers ourselves - so that we pass social anxiety onto the next generation - where we will mock, reject and put down people who appear shy, due to ableism.
Stifling down emotions is mentally ill - because that is abuse, bullying and it can be self directed.
Social anxiety can be functional. And trauma still being stuck inside us - unresolved. Trauma will never be resolved by exposing - with exposure social anxiety issues only become functional - problem is still inside.
Michael Jackson is the best example - he had severe social anxiety - but he was functional in his vocation. Unresolved Trauma in the end killed him.
The dysfunctional idea that we must become narcissists and to face our "fears" and to be strong and courageous - will make robots out of ourselves, where we conform to group think without our own voice, without being authentic - and with a lot of suppressing - which can turn into physical illness - our immunity system gets hit first.
Narcissists who are focused on self improvement and being courageous and strong - eventually will never notice that being focused on conquering fears does not fulfill our goals - it makes us being stuck in hamster wheel, chasing carrot in front of our nose - and then fears become our god directing us in path which is not our true path.
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By providing wrong information.
Social anxiety is hyper-vigilance - it is not something to conquer nor to fight. It is Complex Trauma (Which is not the same as PTSD).
This biased idea that our fears are stupid, weird, shameful, something to mock, non manly & sissy and non-human and that we must stifle them down and destroy them - leads to mental illness and narcissism. We start to equal our emotions with our self worth and that is called emotional fusion.
Instead of "exposure" and "conquering fears" I would rather seek professional talk with expert - than to leave our issues to fester and that we use dysfunctional methods that seem to work for a while.
Quote to consider:
"You're being raised in a home that's going to make you hyper vigilant. You'll notice what everyone else is thinking or feeling. You're going to be super sensitive to changes in people's moods or facial expressions, and you'll startle easily. - Where I am getting this from? - Well your father has a bad temper and he erupts out of nowhere. Sometimes when you're just playing or relaxing in your room, he just starts screaming at you. We (mother and father) fight a lot and don't really ask about how it's impacting you. Or we don't talk to you about the fights at all or why they happen. So your nervous system is developing on high alert and your amygdala, the part of your brain that senses threats and danger is overactive. Difficulty of relaxing or just playing. And when you're older you'll have the same difficulty in social situations. Often labeled as social anxiety disorder, this can actually be a symptom of C-PTSD. You'll feel awkward and worried you're saying or doing something wrong. Basically your internal threat system is off because you're being raised in an unsafe environment."
Dr. Nicole LePera, TWITTER
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0:27 "You might have a social anxiety disorder if these uneasy feelings continue and cause you great suffering"
"Social anxiety" and "Social anxiety disorder" are not the same. These are two different concepts.
Social anxiety - in terms of continuation is Complex Trauma (Which is not the same as PTSD) - and this means being raised with constant criticism when our psyche was forming. Anxiety will occur at specific triggers and flashbacks - similar to the original abuse.
Such as angry people.
Social anxiety disorder on the other hand is feeling panic all the time - without triggers to cause them to spiral into worry. SAD is not frequent and it is part of paranoid delusional disorder and schizophrenia - since SAD means feeling scared of safe people and being convinced that they are about to attack us for whatever reason.
CBT is doing great damage by fusing social anxiety with SAD due to Pharma mafia - making huge profit by pathologizing normal reactions to abuse and by ignoring trauma information. WHO's ICD-11 recognizes Complex PTSD - while CBT does not.
So 27 seconds into video and there is incorrect information right in the start - so all problems, issues and wrong conclusions will spring from this error in conclusion: that social anxiety disorder is the same as social anxiety.
0:37 "How to overcome social anxiety"
When we understand that social anxiety is reaction to abuse and toxic people - there is nothing to overcome.
Since we are not criminally insane - we do not go out and murder people, we are not anti-social meaning we have no ill will to harm or cause any kind of harm to anyone - there is nothing to fix, there is no pathology.
CBT idea to self pathologize our fears and panic as reaction to abusive people is detrimental and causes great psychological damage to anyone listening to CBT. CBT is wrong therapy for social anxiety since it is based on ableism and stigma.
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety - because problem stems from the social element, society: toxic people, narcissists, abusers, parasites, predators, jackals, psychopaths, sociopaths, Machiavellians. It is not called self-anxiety, our reactions to someone violent are totally normal - without it we would allow Ambers to sue us for billions of dollars and our movie carreer would be over and we would be labeled by the whole world as rapist - since we would not have inner alarm fears and panic to tell us to cut contact with aggressive dangerous people.
0:48 "Social phobia"
Social phobia is old term replaced in mid 1990s because cbt "experts" discovered that exposure to fear object: other people: do not help with phobia as exposure helps with all phobias. Fears stayed because the problem is not in phobia, problem is not in the mind, there is nothing sick nor pathological inside the thoughts patterns - so phobia was ditched and replaced with anxiety - constant fear - which stems from being exposed to toxic element, abuse.
1:32 "Then they would want to avoid that situation or would enter situation with a lot of distress"
Another wrong information.
The truth is that social anxiety can be functional. Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety- yet he performed in front of billions of people ,was extremely successful in his vocation and he had no problem doing movies and being on TV all the time, making videos. That is called Functional social anxiety. CBT is prone to over-generalizations - cognitive disorder - paradoxically to explain social anxiety as cognitive disorder. Also CBT is promoting black and white thinking - trauma splitting - where CBT presents information in absolute terms - while in reality everything depends on the context.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
The foundation of all mental illness is the unwillingness to experience legitimate suffering.
1:55 "CBT is useful in treating social anxiety"
CBT is horrible therapy. CBT is therapy of ableism. CBT is equal to narcissistic abuse - since it sides with abuser and makes the target of abuse to gaslight and hoover and manipulate and control. CBT is form of Lobotomy. CBT is like fictional Ludovico method from Clockwork Orange. CBT is therapy of ignoring and stifling down emotions - which leads to mental illness. CBT leads to people pleasing, ignoring abuse and making target tolerate abuse and stay stuck with abusers by ignoring the unfair treatment. CBT is nazi technology, stolen from the Nazi after 1945 in Operation Paperclip - where Nazi used CBT as a form of brainwashing and secret method of mass control.
CBT reflects our toxic shame - deep seated self hatred and this deep unconscious focus on errors is being exploited to create zombie - corporate slave who is silent to abuse and injustice - with only goal in life to be in matrix, slave to corporations and narcissists. CBT ought to be banned.
2:02 "CBT involves changing how you think and feel about situation"
So basically if we are inside Karpman Drama Triangle - CBT explains that toxic people do not exist - and then CBT sets us up to be Victim inside Karpman Drama Triangle - without being aware that there is CBT as Rescuer role and abuser as in Persecute role.
Lundy Bancroft:
"Abuse is NOT caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can't manage your partner's abusiveness by changing your behaviour. But he wants you to think you can."
2:05 "which can then help you to change your behaviour"
If we are not anti social: being murderers and having secret agenda to harm other people - there is nothing sick in our behaviour. This is where CBT is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone listening to CBT. CBT is implanting idea of deep seated toxic shame - self hatred - where our natural reactions to abuse are labeled as sickness. CBT is making us to be slaves to abusers where we won't notice nor react to covert abusers and manipulators. Instead of investigating red flags and Machiavellianism and Dark Triad - CBT instructs us to self pathologize and lobotomize our reactions to toxic people.
2:17 "CBT is most effective"
This information is incorrect. Even Wikipedia states criticism of CBT and how it is not correct nor helpful therapy at all.
This is why Anti-psychiatry movement was formed in 1960s.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology , humanistic therapies - which validate emotions and client - self love, self worth are damaged in the abuse - and these are restored with humanistic approach .
2:35 "Breathing"
Wrong approach. Any reaction to anxiety, any ritual to anxiety - breeds more anxiety (no pun intended). Jung said, what we resists, persist. Social fears did not fall out of empty space. Idea to stifle down our emotions and ignore them through breathing and calming down - we are telling ourselves that we are not important, that our role in life is to be happy and chirpy and that we never examine possible abuse, control, crossing boundaries, toxic people, toxic elements, toxic ambient around us. Instead - CBT tells us that we must be breathing. That is not regulation. That is suppressing emotions and problems, putting them under carpet and pretending that trauma does not exist. In psychology - we know now that hysteria will not vanish - it will built up and turn as physical illness.
2:43 "To calm you down"
If we do not have our Maslow needs met (money, security, home, safety) - it is useless to ignore our needs by pretending that we must control our reactions to unfair circumstances such as poverty or toxic ambient. This way CBT is therapy for the rich - who can have back up and stifle emotions with breathing while we parasite our way in life.
3:17 "Admitting people that you experience social anxiety"
..will attract plethora of toxic people and manipulators who will see us as perfect target to develop codependency, that they are Rescuers, they will take advantage of our fears. There is army of narcissists, predators who's sole purpose in life is to find perfect host to parasite and exploit: someone who experiences unknown emotions when someone is abusing them and decides to pathologize these reactions to abuse.
3:26 "let friend know"
People with social anxiety do not have friends.
3:27 "let family member know"
In 99 percent, the social anxiety is caused by family members. It is like lamb seeking protection in wolf.
3:50 "how to talk"
Social anxiety is not lack of social skills. That is a myth. That is why it is useless to talk about social anxiety to general public - most people have bias and logical fallacies and quick judgements which equate social anxiety with shyness - and then they give detrimental advice which helped them to conquer their shyness - whereas social anxiety is trauma. It has nothing to do with shyness.
3:54 "Gradually expose yourself to anxiety"
Horrible CBT advice. Exposure does not help. With trauma - we will use trauma response such as Fawning - and toxic people will exploit us and take advantage of us. Think about it logically - is exposure helps, then third world countries would be rich and organized like Scandinavia - since they are exposed to poverty, chaos and violence all the time - yet they never seem to learn any lesson how to become normal state that lives from its own work. Also prisons would be hotbed of scientists and innovators - since prisoners would be exposed to crime and they would somehow magically see that crime is bad - and start being healthy and progressive. In city slums - there would be no drug or crime - since everyone is exposed to violence - and we see that exposure does not help criminals to become better. The difference is in toxic and healthy , not in exposure.
Instead of exposure - I would encourage self expression.
CBT due to egocentrism and narcissism in its roots - does not comprehend that exposure requires money and finances. So CBT is therapy for the spoiled rich.
6:12 "Write what's on your mind"
CBT does not explain why this helps. Writing helps because trauma means some event that shocked us - it is not processed. Instead it is stuck inside us - and we cannot pass it on, pass it away from us - instead we try to seek solutions yet we are too scared to look at trauma, hurt, pain to do anything about it. So it gets stuck inside. Writing helps because this way we can start to express ourselves. With trauma, abuse - we shut up and self censor. CBT does not mentions this at all - neither abuse , nor our reaction to abuse.
6:49 "Regular exercise and good sleep"
Yet many people with social anxiety have deep self hatred, toxic shame which prevents movement. CBT does not explain immobility due to hysteria - even though Charcot hysteria was discovered 100 years ago. This way CBT self pathologize us and makes things worse.
8:10 "Emergency plan"
This is Titration. Education.
Social anxiety starts because of toxic people - narcissists and narcissistic abuse. This means - we need to learn about toxic people and how to handle them. In short, CBT advice of Going to WC will not help.
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We can't run and hide from our fears. Trauma will build up and fester inside until it becomes physical illness.
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Social anxiety stems from Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD). It is hypervigilance. This means, our fears are not here to face, destroy, overcome.
Our fears are trauma, programming from untreated mentally ill people around us in early age when our psyche was suppose to form into persona. Instead of love, safety and validation we received relentless criticism and nagging and complaints from mentally ill person in our midst.
Exposure will not help with social anxiety - because we will find dysfunctional methods to handle trauma stuck inside our body - like fawning.
There is concept called Functional social anxiety - where social anxiety is still present even though there is socializing and confidence.
Michael Jackson had a severe social anxiety yet performed in front of billions of people without any problems.
Idea to self pathologize our emotions such as fears to become part of herd mentality, groupthink and conformism leads to narcissism and mental illness.
"Nobody cared, nobody judge"
Narcissists judge. When we come up with idea to face our fears - we base our goals in life based on our fears. From our point of view it seems as if we are "conquering" fears - but in reality we are manipulated by our fears, trauma which is unhealed inside us. Fears become our gods - and pretty soon we will notice that we still have triggers and flashbacks - so the next solution will be to be rude to other people - and hence social anxiety will pass on into the next generation. And we will develop physical illness - immunity being the first target of unprocessed trauma inside us.
When we focus on "facing our fears" we will attract toxic people - the ones who caused our social anxiety in the first place, since we will hate ourselves for feeling fears and label our natural responses to toxic people as sickness. Then we will let other people to explain us reality while we will believe we are inept and our explanations are sickness.
In reality - if we are not serial killers - there is nothing pathological with our thinking, core sole, emotions.
Idea to stifle down our emotions, feelings is bad.
Idea to forfeit our authentic nature is betrayal of ourselves.
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This is what I learned about social anxiety after 30+ years, hopefully it will save someone's time/years in wasting energy, focus and time to learn what is going on:
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD).
This means, when we were growing up, we were exposed to relentless criticism, nagging and complaining all the time - and now we expect danger and punishment from people.
This expectation of punishment feels uncomfortable and dangerous - and we have no resources to think deeply and more in detail - so we have no time to realize that other people may be toxic. That social anxiety stems from narcissists and predators, not us. Our emotions are reaction to toxic people.
Instead of this realization, we blame ourselves, as we were programmed in narcissistic abuse.
Then we over-analyze our fears and focus on our inhibitions and examine our reactions - and never look up and see why we have these fears.
With programmed social inhibitions we develop toxic shame - deep self hatred and then we place our self worth in other people - which is called Stockholm Syndrome and external referencing locus of control - where other people are our gods who explain anything in life and give judgement what is okay and what is not allowed. We don't rely on our intrinsic locus of control - since we hate ourselves deep inside due to toxic shame.
On topic of this video,
I realized that my fears about talking - self censorship, shutting up - are not important -
1) that social faux pas will happen. Mistakes, errors will happen in social situations. IT would be weird and abnormal if it didn't happen. Wrong conclusion will happen on both sides. Wrong words will come out. It will happen - because we are human beings, we are not computers and we cannot handle the speed of data.
2) that social anxiety stems from trauma and abuse - so talking is not primary problem here at all. It is punishment, toxic people whom we never cut contact with and stay stuck with them to abuse us, covert abusers, narcissistic abuse.
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" then why do we even care for their approval?"
Due to programming - being exposed to relentless criticism while growing up.
Literally this is hypnosis.
You know hypnosis in an entertainment shows where people are ordered to perform something amusing.
Hypnosis means it is not logical, it does not stem from our self worth - it is conditioning. Awareness does not help.
Questions does not help.
We break spell the same way as we entered in it - by employing our unconsciousness.
There is a back way how to break spell actually.
IT is like entering into house via basement window in the backyard.
The videos like this and education about Complex Trauma.
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On target!
I see social anxiety as something to accept and integrate, learn and educate instead of suppressing, ignoring or doing nothing about it. It is Complex Trauma, not our personality defect and it is not something to overcome, become courageous - which actually leads to narcissism and having fake mask through perfectionism and seeking approval from others.
"I like my quirkiness"
Yess! That it is, that helps. WE can't win them all.
I see accepting myself and all our imperfections as basis to self worth - which is destroyed by toxic shame.
With self validation - we will naturally expose - even more than exposure through forcing ourselves.
With toxic shame and unresolved trauma exposure does not help and makes things worse since we will do defense mechanisms and trauma reactions such as fawning and get good in those dysfunctional mechanisms.
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Idea to self improve stems from narcissism.
Narcissism is distorted egocentric traumatized childish view of life and world - where other people are objects and our goal in life suppose is to be King of the hill so that other people admire, approve and appraise us. This is mimicking social anxiety since social anxiety is less disgusting than being Trump or Putin, someone mentally ill, psychopath basically who cannot understand that other people are not objects to play with.
Idea of narcissistic self improvement to gain admiration from other people. While normal and healthy people do not stick their noses in other people's intimate private life.
Social anxiety is trauma, it is analogy of being stuck inside toxic job with abuse and bullying and mobbing ongoing and without means of quitting that job - that is social anxiety.
Social anxiety by official medical description is fear of criticism and negative evaluation - due to exposure to untreated mentally ill person while growing up - receiving criticism 24/7 in early age when child brain was forming into persona and suppose to receive love, validation, safety and care.
Being preoccupied with being superior is narcissism. Not social anxiety.
Narcissists want to create perfect fake mask to impress other people and magically destroy problems - which mostly occur by narcissistic abuse of others which narcissists cannot perceive due to egocentrism and mental illness.
Psychopaths see the world as battle, something to conquer. Psychopathy is not always being violent and being a murderer and or criminal.
Instead of building fake mask - psychology see healthy process of being authentic, being humble, being vulnerable, admitting mistakes and not pretending to be strong just to impress other people.
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Safety mechanisms are keeping our head above the water.
Our brain works as it should be, it is functional and our brain uses our current knowledge, environment variables to form perfect response to abnormal people, abnormal events and abnormal situations.
Our brain will form the perfect response in abnormal circumstances we are in.
If we are not anti-social, if we are not murderers - there is nothing sick in our head to fix.
CBT idea that our fears are sick and abnormal leads to ableism, mental illness, toxic shame (deep seated self hatred).
All emotions are valid - including fears and our natural mechanisms how we fight to gain regulation in scarcity, poverty and abnormal people around us who will never seek mental hygiene help.
Idea of CBT to remove mechanisms - means developing plethora of other mechanisms which are much more worse and which will now be covert - and also developing plethora of physical illness since we won't have protection against toxicity.
It is really not so complex.
The problem are toxic people and toxic ambient (such as poverty and or corruption) around us -
they are the cause of our safety behaviours along with exposure to narcissistic abuse while growing up.
Other people are problem - untreated mentally ill people around us - not our reactions to abuse and narcissists, especially covert narcissists like you, pretending to be nice and good - while reacting with narcissistic rage when exposed to information that CBT is therapy of errors.
CBT ought to be banned,
CBT is example how psychiatry is detrimental to our health and makes things worse.
I talked to this guy about this issue few months ago - and he started to be hysterical and threatening me - so he failed Milgram Experiment - he pretends to be nice and good -
where he keeps on hurting and harming other people because someone in authority (CBT) told him to do it.
Test his anxiety by putting criticism in his work - and see how he himself does not follow CBT of lobotomy and suppressed anger and emotions, nor advice he gives to others.
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This is true - that our expectations form panic - however this truth and awareness it will not help with social anxiety at all- because social anxiety is social. That is why it is called social+anxiety. It has social element.
It is not called self- anxiety. Our thoughts are not the problem.
If we are in toxic ambient - our thoughts will be influenced by abnormal people around us who put on fake narcissistic mask and act as normal.
This means -
when we are in the presence of toxic people, narcissists, whereas covert narcissists are the worst - so toxic people are the cause of our expectations, not feeling good, feeling uncomfortable - it all stems from toxic, abnormal, covert abusers, toxic people around us and toxic ambient - environmental variables beyond our control or influence.
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3.1.2023
"Join activities where you can meet people that are into the same things as you"
Where this magical place exists?
"but then new people started working and we became friends"
Mixing business and pleasure is bad idea.
You'll discover this later on when rancour starts to build up.
" you have to keep putting yourself "
For gym you need to have money.
For job friends you need to have job.
"the oppertunity to meet new people"
You are placing all the solutions into other people.
This leads to people pleasing and it is propelled by Fawning. Fawning being unresolved trauma reaction.
Believing that other people are gods and solutions to our problem is the problem itself and this is called Stockholm Syndrome and External Referencing locus of control.
It is only a matter of time until you start collecting toxic people who will sniff your desperate need to find solutions in other people. Covert narcissists will simply mirror, groom you, watch what you need and then magically provide you exactly what you want. Since your trauma will be appeased, you won't notice the control and manipulation which will soon turn to sinister mode: psychological abuse sprinkled with honeymoon periods and hoovering so that your brain can rationalize the abuse as normal and "everybody does it" and it is "better than being alone" type of self-explanations.
"There are many activities that you can do solo"
What is people do not have money for this fun and magical fantasy activities?
"volunteering"
I applied for volunteering - they never return my request. I think you are living in narcissistic fantasy and you use people as your narcissistic supply - and this unhelpful tips are sign you are Rescuer inside Karpman Drama Triangle.
Highly dysfunctional and it is better that you examine your life, your thoughts - there is a whole lot of dysfunction going on inside which will fester if you do not perform mental hygiene soon.
People are not our saviour. Other people cannot fulfill our trauma and our deep needs. We are the only one who can work up intrinsic locus of control and self worth.
Then - we can expose and meet new people - when we do not see Messiah in other people - who will only exploit our Stockholm Syndrome.
---
"Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers"
I've read this book in 1997 -
it made me into people pleaser and pushover and fawning to toxic people.
If I felt reaction to control and manipulation - I would rationalize my fears as disgusting, something to reject and suppress - and I end up self-pathologizing my natural and normal reactions to abnormal people. I was left exploited, taken advantage of continuously, being put down - and I would simply smile with being happy that I am "facing my fears".
When we suppress our uncomfortable emotions - we will develop mental illness.
IF we are not murderers, if we do not kill other people around, if we have no ill will nor hidden agenda to cause harm - there is nothing sick inside us, there is no illness and there is nothing to "overcome" nor to "conquer",
Our fears stem from external factor: manipulators, toxic people, narcissists, covert abusers who appear as friends and service, Machiavellians. They are the problem, not our reaction to abuse, manipulation, control, gaslighting, hoovering, mirroring, projecting, mood swings, borderliners.
---
YT "
5 Tips to Manage a Panic Attack
"
"Say what's happening – just naming
slow your breathing
grab something cold
change your scene
talk to yourself
""This will pass"
This all tips for panic seems like crap fitting into abuse.
Panic stems from external factor - not our brain itself - brain is reacting to abuse, manipulators, covert narcissists.
If we decide to self pathologize ourselves and calm ourselves down - we will enable abuse and actually this is why there are so many narcissists in the world -
because their targets are silent, never confront bullies, never leave them and stay stuck with covert abuse which appears as "normal" and something that is part of world, something that has always been and "there is nothing we can do" type of rationalizations.
Repressing our emotions - even uncomfortable ones is highly ineffective, highly dysfunctional and it leads to mental illness.
---
YT How The Narcissist Kills Your Voice
Richard talked about devaluation in his prior video - the extended form from this one.
This helped me a lot to understand why toxic people who appear as friends behave the way the did. All the time I was fixing myself and trying to correct my reactions - due to hypnosis and conditioning I could not see really what is happening actually - it is devaluation. Now everything makes sense.
IT is not help. It is not service. It is not them being attacked by my mistakes or errors. It is not them being victims and me being somehow attacker as they explain it. IT is devaluation of the target, it always have been, they just mask it as being a victim so that we reject ourselves and take on narc's side of destroying ourselves.
"Echo codependent had in their childhood narcissistic parent. And they eradicate the child's voice. They cannot bear the child's voice. They cannot let child have a separate identity. It must be crushed, killed in a sense."
This explains so much that is hidden under conditioning, hypnosis, unconscious. In reality it will not appear as such devaluation. In real life - these actions of devaluation appear as help, service, normal, something that has always been, something that everybody does it, it appears natural, as part of daily routine, it does not feel abnormal being devaluated.
"Echo codependent child becomes killed in a sense. Their authentic self is killed and the child learns to perpetuate that killing by continuing to self-eradicate. People with echo codependency, they don't know what they want."
Yep. That is it. This explains the trauma, social anxiety, hypervigilance, panic, fawning, trauma responses, dysfunctional safety mechanisms. Attracting toxic people over and over again and staying stuck with them without cutting contact or alarming them to stop. This explains it all.
"Echo codependent don't know who they are, they don't know where they're going. And they tend to attach to tyrannical, hyper-assertive, vicious yang-aspected people so that we feel alive, feel animated again, full."
It is important to note that we won't notice this - without this explanation due to confirmation bias and availability heuristics it feels normal, it feels like there is no abuse at all - and if anything is wrong - we self blame, inner critic directs anger and complaints to inner self, toxic shame.
"Echos take place inside empty caves. Or you can think of it just being a cup. So there's nothing in here. This is completely empty and inside this empty cup anything can go in. Ideology, politics, bad philosophy, cults, weird religious ideas."
Yes,
When we don't know who we are and what we truly want - toxic people will fill in the blanks - and we won't notice this at all.
Otherwise we would say no and or cut contact with someone immediately sending bad vibes. When we don't know how to self express and know what we want authentically, other people will do it for us, we'll forfeit our GPS and let other people guide us to hell.
""I will go to therapy now" It's the narcissist who goes to therapy. "I've went to therapy and told them this". It's the narcissist who went to therapy and told them this. That's the extent of colonization."
This is really shocking and horrifying.
The last time I saw it in video, i did not understand it in full. Again watching it, it is shocking.
It is that our child parts of personalities were buried alive, set to prison - so now as adults we can't have certain reactions, thoughts, conclusions since we miss kid's parts or some other parts of our persona and personality - it's been labeled as sissy, unmanly, non-acceptable, as coward or whatever criticism toxic people spew into us to stop behaving certain ways which they could not accept.
---
"Hiding emotions is called emotional control and it’s the only thing stopping me ripping rancs endocrine system out his body."
Interesting insight.
Basically you are admitting that there is
a mental illness inside,
psychopathy, criminally insane mind - and suppressing emotions by psychologically abusing targets is the only way to keep sociopathy under your control.
---
4.1.2023
There is ACE test - take it and make evaluation right now. npr org offers quick test.
Whenever in life we are presented with vague and double bind information - in whatever form and location or source - it is always important to become scientist and be as objective as possible, seeking clues like Sherlock Holmes. Without it, our confirmation bias and availability heuristics will twist and distort data.
Diagnosing yourself over a presentation video is a bad idea. Especially shrugging it off and not seeking additional information.
Stifling down emotions lead to mental illness.
---
YT Quiz#07|Types of Cognitive Distortions|CBT free Course| #cbt #psychology #pypa
These are all normal states of human mind. All people are prone to quick judgements, bias and prejudices. We are not computers, we cannot know all the data, we are not gods - and it is futile to try to become one, if not sacrilegious attempt.
If we choose to tell our brain that there are cognitive distortions - the brain will make drama and hysteria about it, and this will end in toxic shame and victim blaming.
WE get toxic thoughts when in the presence of toxic people - toxic is contagious - it is not sign of character flaw.
---
YT 5 things I do when I am feeling stressed.
1) Not all people have garden.
2) When in toxic office - there is no time to pause. Breathing is act of crap fitting into abuse.
3) Talking to someone about issues is complaining and draining for others to listen - this dependence on others and not on our intrinsic self worth also leads to trauma bonding, codependency and external referencing locus of control
4) Healthier comping mechanisms need money and another backfire effect is that healthy coping mechanisms inside toxic ambient and toxic people lead to violence such as femicide, physical illness such as low immunity and allergies and cancer - lupus.
5) Meditation will not fix toxic people, it will not help with basic Maslow needs being met - and it can lead to PureOCD rituals against anxiety.
Horrible tips. Long term this will end as mental illness.
---
YT Moving on from Guilt and Shame
"Sticky feelings"
is trauma. That is Complex Trauma, which is not the same as PTSD.
They are persistent because of chemicals inside the body and brain injury of being exposed to long term narcissistic abuse - so it is body thing, trauma being stuck inside the body - not being processed, released.
That is why mind tries to think about it and find resolution -
and in reality narcissistic abuse cannot be resolved, toxic people are living in fantasy world inventing problems that hurt us and which we try to resolve and it becomes trauma stuck inside our body.
---
5.1.2023
YT Advice on stepping out of your comfort zone
A bunch of crap and detrimental information.
1) Comfort zone is myth. If comfort zone idea really works - then third world countries would be Scandinavia filled with money - since they are faced with crime, dysfunction and violence 24/7 - so basically they faced their fears and now they know better. Nope. Instead of comfort zone - there is a distinction between something being toxic or healthy.
2) Fear is not sign of weakness or being a loser as American label something outside of "normalcy". Fear is trauma - and fear is Charcot hysteria. Anyone spending few hours reading psychology books would learn that fear is not character trait, it is not persona and no, it is not a personal choice- and if you decide to label fear as character flaw you will develop extreme toxic shame (deep seated self hatred) which leads to mental illness.
CBT and narcissists label fear as personal defect since both concepts are based on psychopathy, criminally insane abnormal mind - such as Trump or Putin - it is rigid mindset like North Korea that produces ideas to label fears as personal defect.
Instead of facing fears - there is self expression, self validation and not going along with conformism and groupthink herd mentality such as this annoying TV station program or Republicans. It takes more courage to be yourself than trying to fit into such crap that sick society is pumping out of its Trump hick anus.
---
"Codependents also have false self and require codependent supply which is victimhood. Codependency is form of narcissism. Form that is non-agentic, that is passive but has all hallmarks of narcissism."
I agree completely.
That is why empaths, HSPs, victims of narc abuse cannot heal - since there is virus inside. Emotions are contagious - and trauma and abuse as form of emotional bomb will cause damage - there will be wounds and reaction to monster - we become monster by fighting a monster - even when we do it passively and without violence or putting down. If we do not make this sick parts conscious, they will guide us and we will have no idea where those worries spring from. Where those triggers pop up when we done so much regulation techniques and so much education about narc abuse. We won't know where those panic is coming from and being stuck on what other person thinks about us - without ability to shake it off - other than waiting for few months to calm down each time.
It is narcissism that is causing damage inside us without us being aware of it.
Until now at least. Sam Vahnin and Grannon are decoding hypnosis of narcissism, it is like breaking atom and seeing smaller and smaller minute parts which are not observable to any detection machinery.
This information explains a lot about borderliners- Without information about covert narcissism it is extremely hard to understand why "friends" and close people who appear as good and nice are so mean to us and exploit and abuse us from time to time and place demands and orders and commands and shame and guilt that appears as help and instruction from our point of view- and why we believe them without ever doubting them. IT is all narcissism. Anything that is wrong with empaths and HSPs struggling with social anxiety and trauma - that cannot be healed, cleansed, cleared and released - it is narcissism - hidden narcissism in people we perceive as good and nice and narcissism infested inside our mind, as colonization - as Grannon labeled it.
It does not sound logical, that is why it went undetected for so many times, even by CBT and official medical industry studying and working with fears and anxiety.
That the basic panic and fear of angry and violent people - has its roots in our own narcissism implanted inside us like virus program. We simply do not detect it that it is installed inside us.
The central problem is mimicking - where narcissists mimic certain normal behaviour.
Such as criticism. IT is normal to say what is wrong - it is functional that this expression of what is wrong is in the form of negotiation as Glasser is pointing out. Narcissists cannot co-operate so their criticism is in the form of putting down and destroying the mistake maker - since this gives narcissist self worth. Which will never happen since deficiency motivation will never exterminate errors and flaws. Codependents try to reach self worth by not making mistakes - which will never happen since mistakes are normal part of life. They both try to mimic normal behaviour - interdependence but with wrong approach and both approaches are based on narcissism - desire to feel self worth in the external factor - through other people, where other people are gods to worship or worms to destroy. Narcissists do spin between discard-devaluation-worship modes.
It is inability to behave normally - both narcissists and codependents mimic normalcy but for different reasons.
And Codependents as oppose to narcissists - can heal from this, since the difference is that victims of abuse are not instigators or abuse - they simply lack proper and laser sharp education about what is normal and what is abnormal.
Narcissists don't care - they gave up long time ago to co-operate and change and contribute to society - now they only mimic co-operation, change and contribution by being fake and various tools such as mirroring.
Codependents since they don't know what is normal, take on certain narcissistic tools - not because of choice but because there is no alternative - nobody explain this as Sam Vaknin and Grannon did.
This information dual mothership concept is a game changer. It is a cure for trauma, narcissism, narc abuse and fears and panic that empaths and HSPs and victims of abuse struggle with.
"Normal" beahaviour will incorporate aspects which codependents label as narcissism so they never do it.
And Normal behaviour will incorporate "weak" and "loser" aspects as narcissists label it- which actually are human, being vulnerable, admitting errors, being held accountable as prerequisite of having any kind of intimate bond - so they never do it.
---
""how does a codependent not become a codependent . is there a cure ?"
It is said in the video - there needs to be process of individuation -
now we have false self. For empaths, HSPs, victims of abuse this means we repressed parts of ourselves which toxic ambient and ourselves labeled as narcissistic so we don't want to be arrogant, loud, obnoxious. Men don't want to be sissy, weak, gay so they pretend to be strong.
IT is the process of accepting all our personalities, tools in the confines of laws and common sense and morality, social contract.
The ideas and orders and commands that we have in our head are colonization from narcissists - and this needs to go. The more we identify false prophets and false help in our conclusions and perceptions, the more authentic we will become.
This will have huge impact and change on our lifestyle, life in general - we will probably lose many "friends" in this process and acquire new, healthy ones.
---
"If the only difference is the “solution” they choose, and other then that they are exactly the same, wouldn’t that make them both borderline then?"
Borderliners mimic empathy, victims of abuse have authentic empathy.
Borderliner will put down empaths for being sissy, weak, loser.
Victims of abuse will believe such lies and develop toxic shame and never cut contact with toxic person(s).
---
"It isn't a matter of labelling a person this or that but more labelling a persons behavioural patterns."
CBT: Hold my beer. I'll equate your abuse and reaction to abuse as self pathology and I will call this victim blaming and ableism as behavioural pattern.
---
Shocking information, it anyone is not shocked by this, they do not understand it.
Self worth is built by self acceptance and validation - but this new information states that anything we think may be product of implanted narcissistic fantasy. Also Sam says that our self worth will be built by our memories - similar to Total Recall movie/book. Many would struggle with accepting our panic and fears and anxiety - while those relentless fears we struggle with are actually product of colonization.
"Self must be constructed on foundation of continuous memories, and dissociation is done, shared fantasy will crumble, it cannot be sustained. Every time you try to remember something you reconstruct memory from zero."
This means also when we explain and try to process events - especially those who scare us - we are adding up colonized ideas from narcissist and then build up fake world that appears as our own. And we have no idea that we are cooking a cake made by material provided by narcissists which are poison masked as consumer good.
---
"It is consent"
What about non romantic relationship - like job in poor country where we cannot quit or leave? Then we are oppressed, it is no longer a choice of being inside toxic bullying narcissistic abusive environment.
What I am talking about is being subjected to abuse where you cannot leave, run, quit and you cannot defend yourself - so that there is no consent. That is at the root of social anxiety and this not being able to escape will create trauma - since verbal abuse - manipulation - hidden agenda of abuser won't be processed due to victim blaming and shame shifting, gaslighting.
---
"If your consent is removed it’s psychopathic abuse - and becomes an issue for the police"
What happens when it is the police itself that is corrupt?
The whole system.
For example - to define what I am talking about here:
someone reporting law breaking in a firm (such as the firm not making permanent job contract after 2 years while it is obliged to do by the law) - and then someone from Government officials inspector agency actually contacting the firm managers and agreeing to make a mock up interview with employees - just to satisfy the regulation.
Or toxic country where yelling and screaming at people doing their job is part of lifestyle.
That is my personal fear that I am struggling with - not handling someone's temper tantrums and unreasonable anger and being in position where I cannot leave - unless living homeless and without food.
Or starting the first job and bank won't allow to open a bank account because of explanation that the job contract is not permanent - while in the same time local tycoon is meeting bank's manager and withdraws large quantities of money that are not allowed by the law.
I am talking about toxic state where there is no one to contact.
It is oppressive. That is Liberation Psychology issue as I discovered later on.
That is my personal issue - living in such toxic ambient, enduring psychological abuse, verbal abuse and there is no help - other than waiting 20 years to save up the money, wait for borders to merge in single European market and leave the damn country.
But I am talking here about 20 years of life wasted in hypervigilance and trauma - with trying to understand what is going on with my reaction to such toxic place and get only CBT resources explaining it as hallucination and that toxic people do not exist.
---
"Nobody is a narcissist, nobody is a codependent, nobody is a borderline! Diagnosis merely describes a pattern not a person!"
Equating victim of abuse and abuser is the road to victim blaming and shame shifting, and it is what narcissists and borderliners love - to get away from being held accountable.
While you are correct that labels disable and that diagnosis does more damage than good - without designating labels onto criminals and monsters we don't have ground and criminals will always walk free without serving time for their crimes - since they will take advantage of toxic empathy and general public being nice and kind.
The best example is Croatia - in the whole EU GDPR was introduced to protect privacy and personal data so that personal intimate life is not exposed to abuse.
In a way - that GDPR is equal to removing diagnosis and labeling in everyday situations.
And this works in healthy countries perfectly.
But -
In corrupt toxic Croatia and Balkan however - GDPR serves only to protect mafia and corrupt politicians.
In the same time gay politician who kept his identity covert due to public shaming and hysteria against gays, was disclosed by police when his partner beat him up in domestic violence - the police did not follow GDPR regulations.
That is the same with labeling.
The only ones who will get away from removing labels and diagnosis are criminals, abusers and psychopaths.
And that is the repetition of evil on this planet that makes this planet sick.
Empaths, HSPs are continually victimized and hurt and abused - while criminals and psychopaths such has narcissists always but always magically evade any responsibility and accountability for their crimes and abuse by taking advantage of common sense, unwritten rules and kindness of normal and healthy people.
Narcissism is mental illness. And no, you will not make it into victimhood.
Blocked!
---
6.1.2023
"it's not an inferiority complex if you are literally inferior."
There are no inferior people. We are all humans with same basic human values. Unless anti-social murderer and criminally insane - you have the same value as the next guy. Your honest authentic job does not define your worth. Your crazy narcissistic family does not define your low status in society. Your financial status does not make you any more worthier or less valued as core human being - in the next life you will not carry your accrued money with you.
Your crazy corrupt country does not define you as part of nazi regime.
Dehumanizing people is perfect way to inflict toxic shame and implant toxic guilt through which people are controlled and manipulated - and marketing, politicians and sick society knows this fact very well.
----
"This is how I feel."
Then enters mentally ill person such as Jordan Peterson and he takes advantage of toxic masculinity and social pressure by instructing young men to become mentally ill: monsters who show teeth - and then trauma is passed onto next generation through narcissistic abuse.
Narcissistic abuse = abused men who solve their abuse, invalidation and dehumanization by becoming dehumanizing abusers themselves.
---
This are all true and wonderful information - but it is surface level information and hence it will not help much to people with PureOCD rumination hamster wheel worry and hypervigilance = intrusive thoughts.
These stem from toxic people. End of story.
These do not come out of clear sky. We do not invent them. We are not responsible for their popping up. These clearly stem from narcissistic abuse -
Complex Trauma: being exposed in childhood to untreated mentally ill person who criticized us all the time relentlessly 24/7, nitpicking our natural and normal mistakes as end of the world catastrophe and borderline drama that appeared as our own deep core character flaw.
Without externalizing our possession with intrusive thoughts as external factor - we will internalize them and stay stuck in trauma and toxic shame, implanted colonized narc thoughts - as Sam Vaknin / Grannon explained in his Dual mothership model.
Intrusive thoughts = colonization of toxic person around us.
---
"You're assigning moral value to your thoughts"
Thumbs up to your comment - but all this text is small, narrow, surface level information and hence it will not help much other than lighting a very dark room with lighter that has a very extremely, small light. Instead of this small light, we need LED lights in dark room to illuminate what is really going on.
This means - we are not the ones who are assigning moral values or anything at all.
This thinking worry that we struggle with actually stems from toxic people who colonized our mind through narcissistic abuse (Sam Vaknin/Richard Grannon). I am talking about Skinner's box conditioning, hypnosis. Anyone struggling with intrusive thoughts were subjected to evil, toxic people, untreated mentally ill person(s) someone criminally insane coverted as normal person - who mimicked normal life to appease the society but behind everyone's back with clear malicious sick mentally ill processes which were transferred into us via criticizing, nagging, complaining, abuse, violence, threats and punishments.
Unless anti-social, being evil, having evil agenda to harm others - there is nothing sick in our head.
Our reactions to abuse are not sick, these are normal reactions to abnormal people, abnormal events, abnormal society that is apologetic to abusers and psychopaths.
This intrusive worries are injury and implanted virus inside our mind wrecking chaos inside us - and this evil must be expelled : by building up our self worth, self validation and self acceptance.
Detrimental brainwashing gaslighting narcissistic idea from CBT that we ignore abuse by pretending it does not happen - which will spring up as intrusive worry - leads to enabling abusers to continue their abuse. This leads to lobotomy and being exploited by sick, abnormal people around us who are instigating toxic worry inside us.
---
"Please make a video on rumination ."
Check out Mark Freeman intrusive worry PureOCD animated videos from 2014, 2015. HE is horrible narcissistic person however he nailed the worry right in the target.
HE says that our brain is built to detect problems - and it will continue do so whenever we worry about anything. He talks about acceptance of worry and shifting focus onto a task.
HE does not talks about narcissistic abuse as the cause of worry since he is toxic person himself - but this information about worry and brain is starting point to build basic awareness and understanding about rumination.
---
"due to anxiety and fear"
Yes, that is rumination.
That is actually brain working normally as it should be. Our brain is 6 millions years old and as Darwin's insights discovered - it is build into any living being survival mechanism.
In human beings - our brain is part of this survival mechanism and it produces rumination as totally normal byproduct of evolution - to detect predators, to detect anything that threatens our survival. This is automatic, we cannot remove this unless we undergo lobotomy.
Now the problem with natural brain activity is that we are traumatized as kids - and then brain starts to detect danger where there is none - similar to allergy.
Another problem is sick society which is made to worship predators and avoid conflict with them due to own survival - so society like CBT will instruct us to lobotomize ourselves in order to get along with all people. Then CBT will explain social anxiety as hallucination and that toxic people do not exist - that we must be calm, meditate and that certain emotions such as fear is sick and mental illness etc.
The truth lies somewhere in the middle.
Everything is contextual.
Sometimes it is great that we ignore threats.
Sometimes is is great that we are angry and mobilize against what we perceive as danger.
The important thing is that we start to trust ourselves when to define the danger.
And it is up to us to learn and educate ourselves - so that we have common sense - skills and education - when we can control something - and when we must let go of something.
In today's society - the messages we get are wrong and detrimental to our psyche.
The society itself is sick and has wrong values, it is based on narcissism, conformism, groupthink and herd mentality - instagram society where worshiping genitals and drugs and feeling chirpy is labeled as normal and desirable. And where natural reaction to sick society in form of worry is labeled as mental illness.
I wrote a lot about this issues on my blog and reddit - I cannot post links here due to spam censorship - but links are in my profile - about.
Also I have Psychology playlist where I put critical and important concepts - so anyone really trying to understand worry perhaps will find some pieces of puzzles be answered there.
----
""You are totally defenseless when you are with the narcissist." So true!"
And when we try to seek help - official medical help in form of CBT will tell us that we are hallucinating the abuse and that toxic people do not exist, that we need to assert - engage in endless conflicts with them and hence stay stuck inside Karpman Drama Triangle forever. The official help and medical industry and self help resources are part of narcissistic abuse.
---
"If your consent is removed it’s psychopathic abuse "
I needed some time to process this information.
I got it all wrong all the time. I mislabeled psychopathic abuse as narcissistic abuse. I am watching Seminar in Bucharest and it clicked that I mislabeled the abuse.
This makes it a lot sense now, looking back at my past experiences. IT is a small detail but I won't bark at the wrong tree anymore.
----
YT "Narcissist's Madness - Grannon Vaknin Seminar in Bucharest"
Right in the 30 minutes into the video I had a huge realization. All this time I got it wrong.
I wrote to Richard Grannon's video yesterday about things that bother me about narcissistic abuse and he answered in non romantic narc abuse, when we as the target of abuse are not giving consent to abuse, that this is psychopathy, and the other person is a psychopath. This is psychopathic abuse actually. Not narcissistic abuse.
So basically what I labelled as narcissistic abuse all the time (specifically I am talking about the after effects of social anxiety and complex trauma due to exposure to abuse such as ACE and bullying/mobbing) are actually psychological abuse from psychopath. When abuse is not romantic - it is not technically speaking narcissistic abuse. It is general abuse.
I think this distinction is not clear in many resources. I find the same phenomena with social anxiety and difference between social anxiety disorder. Many therapists, books confuse these two and they are not the same. When we take social anxiety disorder - it is paranoid delusional. The people around are safe and their words are misinterpreted as dangerous. And on the other hand, social anxiety is real - there is no fantasy, there is real abuse that is causing social anxiety.
I see now that with narcissistic abuse - it is better to label it as Psychopathic abuse when there is non romantic interaction such as family or job or any event in non-romantic life -
and now it makes sense why tweets and information about bullying and mobbing helped me more than general information about narcissistic abuse. It is a small minute detail - but Butterfly effect , in larger scheme it will make a difference how to react and process it.
43:00 "Vampires, you have to invite them in. you must give consent. Consent is extremely important in emotionally abusive relationship. Not psychopaths. Psychopaths will put gun to your head. They don't give about your consent."
That is explanation about consent.
But this makes me think more -
narcissists and borderliners are pathological liars and use coercion control - they could use tricks and give wrong impression to seduce the target? Use weak spots - such as deficiency motivation and toxic shame - "you are not masculine enough" type of "advice" to keep you hooked to their "solutions" how to improve or whatever they extract from the target which targets seek to heal or analyze. It is more sinister and covert than obvious mere bait.
Whatever the bait might be, whatever psychopath or narcissist -
I would say that panic, fears, bad vibes, social anxiety that target feel - is ability to detect covert abuse. It is not hallucination as CBT labels it., something to throw off, reject and be ashamed of. This personally is great stumbling block to me - that I was programmed by CBT and abuse to label and equate my reactions such as fears and panic to toxic people as self pathology - that I am not allowed to be weak, unmanly and that I ought to be without emotions, without fears - and that fears means being sissy and incompetent. What I learned with CPTSD is that fears and panic are normal reactions to abuse - and what I am learning now is that anxiety, fear and panic is detection system of covert abusers. Therefore social anxiety is to be accepted - not healed, or to overcome nor to be destroyed.
For most of my life I would equate feeling fear and panic as personal defect and I would let go, fawn and be pushover with belief that other people - who appear abusive, strong and confident are competent and superior, leaders and someone to obey without disagreement.
Regarding Richard, I see that he is more focused on relationship - intimate, romantical. I am more focused on general abuse and bullying - due to social anxiety issue. And I personally resolved any potential traumatic abusive pathological issues in romantical relationship - by not having any at all, through avoidance. I guess if I allowed myself to enter deeper relationship I would be aligned with Richard in full. I simply avoided it by avoidance and social anxiety. Where avoidance is protective mechanism to avoid further damage that I see it would happen if I enter in any additional contact apart from job with the mindset based on trauma and fawning response.
Whoa
I just watched till the end. IT is mind blowing information, especially at the end. I'm having goosebumps.
If I were there on seminar, I would have billion of questions and totally monopolize seminar for 4 hours -
but I would keep myself short and ask only these 2 questions:
1) Social anxiety - a lot of people are in contact with abusive toxic people - and the targets of abuse will develop symptoms of panic and fears and avoidance and social inhibition - and when they seek for answers in self help books, therapists and google will label these reactions to abuse as social anxiety. Today CBT as form of main therapy for social anxiety provides wrong and detrimental information about social anxiety, as Sam said - Freud is ignored, Jung is ignored. My question is their view of social anxiety - and phenomena that social anxiety is not connected to trauma in mainstream medical industry at all. I was banned from two groups in various time stages just trying to explain this - at Yahoo in 2001 and at Reddit in 2022. The moderators are keep rejecting trauma as connection to social anxiety - and I believe a lot of people are trapped with wrong leaders explaining them wrong things about stuff that bothers them and when they seek help they get wrong explanations.
So how to help people who are in contact with abusive people - and they cannot escape and exit them. How to protect against toxic radiation, how to heal if we were exposed to it. And how to make connections with mis-diagnosis for many people who are seeking help for abuse - and get wrong explanations by CBT? How to build armour against toxic abuse? Is it possible? At 1:03:23 Sam said that you regress with narcississt - obviously we will not become healthy if we are in toxic job, toxic country with narcissists like Putin as leader of state - how can we maximize our health and resistance to toxic influence of toxic people?
2) Related to this, I believe Humanistic psychology is the correct armour against emotional contagion by toxic people. What would be Sam and Richard stance on humanistic therapies: where self worth is encouraged, self expression, self validation self acceptance. And this paradoxically means becoming and developing healthy narcissism - to trust ourselves fully and standing by ourselves even when we make mistakes - where the point is to be active in life and not missing chances by avoidance and isolation.
I get notion that Richard and Sam are giving impression that exit is the only way to deal with toxic people. That is absolutely correct and I totally agree with this. However - a lot of people will not be able to escape - for whatever reason - and they will be trapped inside toxic ambient with toxic people.
My second question is - how to help people who are trapped inside toxic ambient, and they cannot escape. Is there a first aid kit how to maximize mental health and resistance to dysregulation which toxic people will continually trigger in others?
---
9.1.2023
Amazing work is understatement to describe Sam Vaknin's work here.
Unfortunately a lot of people will not understand it due to lack of education and own biases.
One of the bias is that Sam Vaknin is promoting narcissism - I hear criticism that Sam attributes blame or responsibility to a victim. It appears this way since it is hard to understand that Sam is describing and decoding hypnosis , unconscious process from NPD angle - and to our logic it seems as if Sam if the aggressor himself.
It is the same as if Sam is explaining WW2 pure facts that were hidden from official history - and someone interprets this as fascism - since for example the fact is that nazi ideology started in England.
My question would be that narcissism as Grannon explained me in YT comment - is more related to romantic relationship.
And in my opinion this is easy to break - especially if there are no children.
However,
what to do when narcissism - is psychopath? And we encounter them outside romantic relationship and we cannot break contact. Family member who is elder and needs help, job boss in poor country where you cannot quit your toxic job since you cannot find another job enough to sustain your bills and rent. When you live in shame based country and any resource you need for life is embedded in narcissism -
is there a way to help yourself to protect yourself from toxic radiation?
As I understand from this video - there is no way. Healthy tips will make things worse. Engaging with them will make it worse.
I believe psychology task is to help us with such problems that appear unsolvable. There need to be way how to soften the blow if the aggression is inevitable and it will happen eventually in toxic ambient.
Also,
my viewpoint is that narcissists are successful in life - because they scare away good people into silence or good normal healthy people run away into hiding isolation, not reacting to them - and then narcissists have all the resources for themselves. They simply scare other people away. Also the act of being persistent and active - is proof that such person who is never giving up and always out there - will eventually have chance to succeed in life. Not because they are capable or smarter - just because they are active.
So our response to hide away and isolate will save our mind - but it will make our lives poorer and might challenge our mental health - living in the fear of meeting someone aggressive.
I would say that one thing that helps is education like this - that we know what is really narcissism and how it works - and from this point Vaknin/Grannon are doing amazing job and it is great help for all those socially anxious people who internalized aggression as self pathology, as CBT labels social anxiety hallucination and that toxic people do not exist.
With Sam Vaknin information about narcissism - anyone who suffered self blame about social anixety and isolated from people - can rest assured that their inhibitions, fears and panic are not pathology at all as CBT explains it- In fact it is normal reaction to abnormal people.
And that we can trust our own instincts and emotions - and be careful when someone offers their advice how to think and explain our reactions to abusive people.
"Hopeful message to victims of narcissist – none of it was your fault. And you could have done nothing about it. If your mind is torturing you if you said this, it was doomed from outset. Their need to fantasy.
Its about them. And it has to do with their compulsive need to preserve fantasy. It's not about reality. You could not enter change fantasy. They defend fantasy ferociously. They even sacrifice themselves for fantasy."
I love this part:
"Unless you want to suspend yourself or change yourself in highly pathological ways it is possible."
That is what CBT is doing to anyone with social anxiety. CBT is explaining symptoms of panic and reaction to abuse as self pathology - and CBT is actually suspending socially anxious self worth - to become people pleaser and pushover for abusers. CBT is creating toxic shame, destroys self worth and tries to merge with pathological people around just for the sake of being in contact with them through exposure and assertive - talking and trying to understand and make peace and fix aggressive abusive people.
---
As I understand, healing is actually quite easy - cutting contact, self expression, inner GPS guide instead of other people's explanations especially those who put us down and not actually helping us with our mistakes.
The harder part is how to soften the attack -
our brain will label dangerous events and people as something to avoid - as it should be.
With narcissists and boderliners we will label all life and all people as dangerous and develop social anxiety issues.
Because we won't know how to react without creating damage to our psyche.
If we react with our primitive defense mechanisms - we will develop fawning.
If we react with logic, clear psychological healthy reply - we will develop potential threat to our life since they will hate it to the point of killing us.
So solution lies in developing a shield where we are not affected by their criticism while in the same time we are not lobotomized as CBT instructs us to become.
---
"Be COMFORTABLE with rejection."
Socially anxious are traumatized by toxic people. The problem is not with logic - otherwise they would figure out long ago to just be comfortable.
The problem is programming, conditioning. IT is hypnosis. You can't break the spell with logical thinking - in fact it will create even more anxiety and panic, as CBT is creating more panic and anxiety with its logic.
So intead of "Be comfortable with rejection" what would work better that would pass into unconsciousness where trauma is - would be to say:
Your uncomfortableness is not yours and it is totally normal reaction to feel - since it is reflection of toxic ambient, toxic people right in this moment and in the past.
---
"Finally How to beat social anxiety as an INFJ: Spending time alone will allow you to separate your feelings from the social situation and understand yourself without distortion"
What distortion?
Social anxiety is not as it is described in CBT DSM. Social anxiety is part of Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD):
this means, social anxiety is reaction to abusive people and abnormal events. There is no distortion inside our mind - we experienced social abuse - we are not guilty for the abuse. If we believe that we have distortions because we react to abuse - this CBT explanation will create mental illness, toxic shame and self pathology. This is victim shaming, shifting blame to target of abuse.
CBT is therapy of ableism - where negative feelings such as fear, panic and confusion as reaction to abuse - are seen perceived as abnormal as distortion.
The truth is - unless we are serial killers, unless we are anti-social, unless we have hidden agenda to harm anyone - there is no distortion inside us.
Abuse was real and our reaction to abuse are justified, and no, there is nothing we can do to fix abuse or abuser nor it is our responsibility to be their therapist or healer. Abusers deliberately choose abusive behaviour. The problem is not in our "distortions". We are not the ones who are abusive. We simply react to abuse, bullying and mobbing in form of social anxiety.
Social anxiety - even in CBT description - is by definition fear of criticism and negative evaluation - it means fear of repeating abuse to experience it.
Also, there is distinction between social anxiety and social anxiety disorder - these are two different entities that share the same name.
And there is functional social anxiety and dysregulated one. We can be fully functional with social anxiety - but this unresolved trauma will hamper the quality of our life - trauma needs to be processed, written down, explained, spoken out. Idea to not feel social anxiety leads to trauma since it does not allow us to process abuse nor abusive people - and then we internalize it as if it is us who have these phantom CBT distortions. We don't- we are not sick in the head.
---
Superficial insight. IT does not explain social anxiety in 1990s when cell phones did not exist.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma - it started as abuse, it is reaction to abuse.
That is why it is called social anxiety - it has social element inside it - social. It is not called self anxiety or cell phone anxiety.
---
Before doing anything I would actually first check up whether the other people are narcissistic and abusive, borderline - pathological liar with set of mechanisms such as mirroring, grooming, hovering etc.
Our reactions of social anxiety would be totally normal in the presence of fake and dangerous, sick people with hidden agenda and fake mask.
---
(10.1.2023)
Being focused on symptoms is not healthy.
Trying to cover up emotions, stifle them down is super unhealthy.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
The foundation of all mental illness is the unwillingness to experience legitimate suffering.
Before any idea to nitpick our symptoms and analyze them till death - I would first analyze and open eyes and see what and who is around us.
Are toxic people around us? Demanding, hyper critical, unrealistic people who are suffocating? If so, it is totally normal to feel uncomfortable when someone toxic is around us.
The idea that we self pathologize our reactions to abnormal people leads to mental illness, toxic shame.
Unless we are narcissists living in our daydream fantasy - it is highly likely that our panic stems from toxic people around us.
We react to abuse, as we should - it means our brain is healthy and it is functioning normally.
"Showing our brain that..."
We can't show our brain anything. We cannot control toxic people around us. Brain will react with danger in the presence of pathological liars and psychopaths. It would be extremely dangerous for us to crap fit into abuse by calming our brain and ignoring the abuse and putting curtain a filter in front of our eyes to create a psychopathic fantasy that toxic people do not exist.
I believe if we externalize our panic, it will give us more control to do something about toxic people around us who are causing the panic.
If we decide to focus all our awareness on our symptoms and sooth them or make friends with them or whatever - we will end up with fawning, people pleasing and being pushover - since toxic people will trigger fear and panic inside us - and we won't react to toxic people at all. We will react and be obsessed with emotions that toxic people trigger inside us as our primary concern.
This all works for healthy non-narcissistic non Cluster B personalities.
Abusive people will feel panic when they are hold accountable for their crimes and when faced with reality.
Toxic people will get rid of such panic they experience by externalizing their abuse by abusing other people.
That is why externalizing panic does not mean abusing other people. Toxic people will never cut contact with supply - only healthy people can do this. Toxic people have trouble finding solutions and seeking compromise, be vulnerable and forgive - only healthy people can do this.
---
When panic is caused by covert abuse (meaning we do not realize that toxic people are causing our panic) then talk down is equal to crap fitting into abuse.
--
Narcissists can never admit being vulnerable unless forced by law.
And still, they use therapy as information to abuse other people later on with data given at therapy.
---
Inner critic is by product of abuse, invalidation and neglect in childhood or over long period of time (brainwashing and conditioning).
Narcissists cannot get rid of this since abuse in early childhood implanted deep seated belief of being whatever abuser told them (stupid, unworthy, ugly). When narcissists resolve this abuse with creating fantasy and ideal world inside their head - anything that deviates from this fantasy will trigger inner voice repeating the messages of abuse : you are in danger, you are incompetent etc.
When we have inner voice - it is leftover of narcissistic abuse trying to implement narcissism inside us.
IF we are not aware of this, anything we do in reaction to inner critic will build narcissism, fantasy that we created how to deal with unresolved trauma we experienced. That is why DSM, CBT and popular psychology are doing detrimental damage by providing wrong information about inner critic and hence wrong information how to handle it.
When we are aware that inner critic is stemming from unresolved unprocessed trauma - we can truly shift our focus from observing inner voice as some strange entity - and look at it as psychological injury that needs everything we never received during growing up: self validation, being vulnerable, not pretending to be strong, self acceptance, self expression, writing down our feelings and hence processing the trauma.
---
The thing I am bothered with - what to do when we cannot cut contact? Due to any reason - finances, service, help, third party, health issues, immobility etc. What to do when we live in a toxic country for example like Russia - where average pay cannot be enough for departure, where visa is not obtainable - where one cannot physically move since the whole country is toxic.
Or even better example -
living in Ukraine which is invaded by Russia - and you cannot leave Ukraine if you fight for your home.
Is there a way to keep alive in circumstances where we cannot cut contact, where we are invaded and under attack.
Another issue is where I resolved to deal with toxic ambient by cutting contact - and I developed social anxiety -
where by social anxiety I mean feeling scared of loud obnoxious people, avoiding them and as I read about official resources - CBT explained that toxic people do not exist and that social anxiety is equal to cognitive distortion and hallucination. I ended up with toxic shame and self pathology for decades - since I would label aggressive people as my own fault and that I am imagining the abuse.
It is only now that I am realizing that I was not crazy, and that my symptoms and reactions were normal, there is no hallucination nor any distortions.
Whatever it is- anyone suffering with Fawning trauma reaction to abuse - I would suggest cutting contact with anyone who triggers our symptoms - at the cost of being alone. Fawning, shutting up, self censorship, ignoring toxic people in way that we stay in contact with them and ignore their abuse - it is not healthy. CBT will explain to socially anxious that is it normal to tolerate abuse and engage in endless arguments with abusers which CBT labels as being "assertive".
---
(11.1.2023)
I agree it is great that we face our fears head on - however in reality,
when we confront someone tyrannical and non-cooperative - the other person loves conflict and loves triggering reaction in us to show we are not cowards... then
we will get fired from a job- labeled as abuser (as Johnny Depp was and false allegations almost ruined his career).
While this toxic person will be victim since we "abused" them with the truth and facts.
Manipulative toxic people are skilled in presenting themselves as victims, nitpicking and criticizing our faults and mistakes and presenting them as we are the ones who are problem - so we can't defend ourselves.
In life - any action will contain mistake and flaw. So whatever we do - we are guilty at the start. Also, if we choose not to do anything - we will be labeled as guilty, parasite, lazy or whatever.
So before doing anything - we need to have money to support standing up to bullies.
That is hidden pre-requisite.
Without money, support, home, basic shelter - when we deal with problems (which are always caused by someone manipulative and controlling) - we will be attacked back and provoked into drama and conflict.
When there is some problem - and when we have done everything in our power to solve it and watch not to make mistake - the problem will always come from someone highly manipulative and controlling, psychopath. And our only defense is cutting contact and moving on, relocating. This is possible only if we have money.
So this fear is also socio-economic issue, too.
---
"Getting into argument with them is waste of time."
Yes.
Now put narcissists outside romantic settings. I am talking about narc people in power, authority, or perhaps at some job where you seek help (medical, service industry) without competition so we depend on them only - so you can't seek help or whatever need you have in other resources. Like school or family, too.
Then we have huge problem here.
If you decide to not waste time with their arguments, they will abuse you. All the time. By shutting up you enable their abuse to continue. You end up with panic, fear issues and toxic shame internalized.
On the other hand - if you decide to confront them - you will be punished - denied the help and service that you seek in that particular ambient, area - medical, service. The same goes for family dynamics.
Then the only solution for us is to have money - that we support relocation and cutting ties and moving away from toxicity.
What if we don't have money to move?
Then we are forced to be with such psychopaths.
What then? How to secure our mental health in the toxic ambient of constant & relentless drama, attack, arguments, accusations?
Then social anxiety happens and avoidance issues. And then you seek help - and CBT as default therapy for social anxiety will explain that you are imagining the abuse and that toxic people do not exist - and that we must be assertive with someone difficult - which is throwing oil into the fire actually.
"Expose the Narcissist's vulnerabilities and ongoing conflict at the heart of such behaviour."
This will not help. It is like throwing oil into the fire as a way to extinguish fire - instead of extinguishing it makes even more fire.
Exposing narc mask causes narc injury - and narcs can become violent and aggressive. In marriage this can end up as Femicide, this is extremely dangerous advice.
Also, narc will not change, they are delusional, they live in a fantasy - so our words will not snap them into reality, they are sick in the head. Our facts and truth will cause them to become violent - as we seen in Amber case. Since they invent reality and pathological liars - they will present themselves as victims and they do this by triggering our Reaction abuse - where we will eventually lost control since they will make up facts and bring false accusations relentlessly. Most of them we cannot prove since we don't have documentation, we don't have surveillance cam recording to prove them wrong nor recorded audio - it is our word against theirs and they do not give up on their version of story, whatever lie it is.
Even though this (pointing out reality to narcissists) will not help - shutting up is worse alternative. Fawning to them will cause us doubt our reality and we will end up with extreme toxic shame, which will destroy our self worth and ability to function in life.
"Make narcissists to take responsibility"
"Disclosing narcissist's weaknesses will make them seem like complete failures in the eyes of society."
I did this and got fired from the job eventually (I was relocated first to worst job position and dumped few months later).
We need to have money when we do this disclosure, we need to have security, shelter - and most importantly evaluate if narcs are criminally insane - if they are capable of violence.
Also one more issue with exposing narcissists - is that
1) this takes education time - we need to devote time and energy and focus to learn about narcissism. This means putting our life on hold which leads to second issue
2) by educating ourselves and then reacting to narcissists - basically narcissists are controlling us.
They suddenly become covert goal in our lives.
We no longer have fun - since we are bothered about the next attack and how to defend. This will cause hypervigilance.
We will worry if our words were not aligned with ethics and morals - this will cause PureOCD issues.
And without being aware - our life, focus, goals, pursuit of desires - will be all affected and gone through the filter and prism of narcissists. This way - narcissists will shape our lives. Where we go in our free time, what job we take, how we feel in society in social settings.
Someone might have bad day, make mistake and be impatient - and our brain will label this person as narcissists.
Soon this will turn into social anxiety and avoidance.
Also if we cut contact - we will soon end up with social anxiety and avoidance - since we won't have tolerance to lose our energy on setting toxic people right.
Narcissists are cancer, they are black hole.
We cannot influence black hole - it can only destroy us if we do inside it, we will end up distorted if we choose to interact with narcissists for the sake of healing them.
Paradox is - when everyone leaves narcissists alone - this will enable narcissists to abuse, since nobody will hold them accountable for their crimes, no one will punish them, so narcissists will have their fantasy intact and fueled to continue with abusing other people around.
We need to cut contact with narcissists and yet never cut contact with society/life in general in order to keep our sanity and life ongoing.
---
YT When empaths try to reclaim their independence when they're no longer reliant on narcissists | NPD
"It must really blow a Narc away when others are happy "
I agree - but I see preoccupation with narcissists - for example react, good or bad, if we take on idea to see what they see or be preoccupied about what and how narc describe something - is highly dangerous. This is trauma bonding.
This way narcs colonize our mind without us being aware of it.
IT is rancour, brain recognizes danger - and now brain will put primary focus in order to escape and avoid danger. This ends up with hypervigilance and OCD worry loops where we start to think about what narcs are thinking and feeling and why. Soon enough -they live inside our head like a parasite.
I would encourage education about narcissists - but I would be cautious about looking at them as human beings.
As empaths this will be extremely hard for us, to think of someone as an object. And that is how narcissists are viewing other people - we are all objects to them, hence criminal behaviour towards others.
Narcissists parasite over our healthy, natural normal feelings of empathy and seeking cooperation and connection.
And we end up with trauma bonding issues and Stockholm syndrome, since they are abnormal and manipulative.
---
It not even parents. It is also boss, co-workers, siblings, toxic friends who appear helpful, covert narcissists like someone who does charity for the only purpose to impress others.
As I understand when we are in romantic relationship - we can cut contact, we have the power to do so.
However when it is not romantic relationship - when we can't easily cut contact - then this is psychopathy. It is psychopathic abuse. Someone who lives inside their fantasy and refuse reality checking - this is being paranoid, delusional - it is not romantic issue.
---
For starters - check out Sam Vaknin to understand narcissism. Make this your starting point. Vaknin is clinical psychologist, expert in narcissism.
There are no easy solutions. Whatever we choose to do with narcissists will be wrong, error and it will back-fire in some way or another. We need to be aware that they will cost us money and mental healthy or even our life in extreme cases. It makes sense to talk about this in your surroundings - so people know your side of story in advance.
I would suggest therapy or support groups - there has to be people who went through what you are going through, perhaps they have some useful tips and solutions.
---
My question for Sam would be -
for the victims of narcissists, psychopaths and borderliners - after you grew up with them in toxic ambient, when you live surrounded by toxic people - so I am talking about toxic ambient, not romantic relationship - how we protect ourselves?
I am talking here first and foremost about social anxiety - where someone growing up in invalidation ambient and bullying in school and mobbing at work as adult - where the main defense mechanism is fawning, being pushover and people pleaser -
after watchin this incredible video at Netsill, my question is -
does this mean that social anxiety is inverted dent of the blow of these toxic people?
As I understand - during childhood
1) Narcissists destroyed their persona, self, personality - and they created false self. This allows them to be active in life and even successful since they would take action and be active and hence create opportunities and take opportunities whenever they came up
2) Borderliners developed their self persona inside other person close to them
3) Socially anxious ones having no persona and no self - and similarly to borderliners the approval for anything in life lies in other people, good or bad commands and orders from other people - hence creating huge social anxiety issues.
And would then healing from social anxiety be that we actually do the opposite - since we are on the opposite side of the dent.
Which means - in socially anxious trigger situations - to develop fake narcissistic mask in order to handle and manage abusive people as a way to exorcise them out, so they do not use us as narcissistic supply.
If we retort to them in rude manner, by inventing facts as they do- hence talking in their language - and by inventing fake persona which would allow us to have courage to express our anger and our point of view along with our borders and clear statement what we can tolerate? This may include screaming and yelling in special occasions?
And that this process of inventing fake mask would be used only in special situations when socially anxious symptoms occur - it would be not used in everyday life.
As I understand normal and healthy kids have gone through this process of inventing persona, fake mask in their childhood and they are not even aware that they done it.
Whereas socially anxious - due to invalidation at home and bullying in school started to isolate right in the age when they were suppose to initiate and finish the process of building fake mask persona - which would allow them to handle life problems and difficulties by acting and not being themselves when someone is aggressive, rude, abnormal.
As I see socially anxious ones don't have this protective mask and this is the cause of social anxiety - since with social anxiety we face the world without the filter, without lies, without fantasy - and reality is unbearable without a bit of lies fantasy and mask.
Similarly to Beverly Hills 90210 episode when Brenda starts to work in Peach Pit as waitress and she handles her social anxiety by inventing new persona while she is working there.
Without this fake mask persona - I believe that socially anxious ones never developed their self worth, core self due to toxic shame internalized inside which prevented this process - and toxic shame being implanted by narcissists, borderliners and psychopaths (by abuse, punishment, put downs, constant criticism, nagging and complaining 24/7).
Am I making mistake here to encourage healthy narcissistic tools as healing for social anxiety? face-orange-raised-eyebrow
BTW I no longer see social anxiety as something to destroy. It should be accepted. IT is signal that we went through trauma, it is Complex Trauma.
I also believe that CBT is totally wrong therapy for social anxiety - it explains nothing, it does nothing except enforcing people pleasing and ignoring the emotions.
---
(12.1.2022)
YT Do You Owe an Apology for Lashing Out at People Who Mistreat You?
When someone is aggressive and rude I freeze and have amnesia - I lose my ability to advocate for my rights and my perspective, what happened and my truth. Instead - I fawn and shut up automatically.
In this case,
I needed some time to come up with the truth -
gossiping over internet is criminal offense.
You might write there that you made screenshots, and if they do not remove slander that you will take this to court.
Since they alerted the police - you can do it too - since they are the ones actually breaking the law.
Too many people have committed suicide due to online slander, this is serious issue and it is not legal. What they have done is illegal - spreading lies is illegal.
---
"When you’re initially having to be stern and forceful with people to assert yourself, sometimes it has to be EXTRA. Purely because they’re accustomed to steamrolling you and don’t respond to polite or moderate boundary reinforcement."
Totally agree however there are two requirements before we become "Extra":
1) we need to have money. We will get fired, we will lose jobs, we will be ostracized, we will be abandoned when we repel toxic people. We will be punished for standing up for ourselves - and without finances, we might end up being homeless in the process.
2) second is education such as this channel. Without proper information - we will tend to self blame and lean into toxic empathy due to very nature inside us - being kind and nice is literally being used against us. This kindness makes us prime target for parasites and leeches and they will not give up on endless supply - just like parasite. They will reel their teeth inside us by false accusations or grooming, they know all our fears, hopes and needs and they will use that information against us - so we need to be prepared for manipulation - so that we do not give in and get back into contact with them.
This means - standing up for ourselves will break social anxiety, it will make us feel confident for a while - then our inner critic, external critic, trauma and conditioning will reel in and keep us hooked to toxic people. We need education about why is this happening and awareness that it will happen - and to know what to do when it happens: guilt and shame as a control mechanism.
---
"It's very important to be rude, insulting and disrespectful to abusive people." Faced with his mirror image the narcissist recoil."
Says Sam vaknin"
Thank you for this and to the original poster, too.
I have conditioned response to rude people that I fawn to them, shut up and self censor - and toxic empathy is creating huge cognitive dissonance how to react to aggressive people.
This comment explains it all, it answers the questions I have been seeking for too long, how to fight a monster without becoming one -
they are monsters. They are not normal human beings, that is why empathy is not working, nor our patience or hope that they will change somehow by our patience and our empathy and love. They won't. They die of old age after infecting dozens of sensitive people around them with trauma and social anxiety issues.
---
(13.1.2023)
First and foremost check people around you.
Check people in your past.
These thoughts to not come out of thin air out of nothing.
IT is toxic people who manipulate and control us, abuse us through criticism and nagging and complaining - which trigger our inner critic - voice of naggings and complaining from early age when we were supposed to be validated and encouraged, not put down or scared into submission.
IF you decide to go along with explanations that you are the cause - you will end up with self pathology and self blame and toxic shame - basically this is gaslighting and self abuse.
---
Before staring the self abusive Crusade of fixing ourselves - like auto-immune disease - I would rather seek external cause of intrusive worry.
IT is highly likely that toxic people and abuse hidden as discipline or help or friendship is causing this mind traps and worry loops.
The idea that our normal reactions to abnormal people is something that we must fix in order to crap fit into abuse - is by definition narcissistic gaslighting and this can end up with mental illness due to relentless toxic shame and self blame for criminal activities of insane people around us masked as normal.
---
Sounds like suppressing our emotions and feelings.
Highly dangerous and detrimental to our mental health, this can lead to mental illness.
If we have intrusive and anxious thoughts - it stems from the external factor: abusive people who are intrusive.
Unless we are narcissist - if we feel discomfort - it stems from other people around us.
Narcissistic discomfort stems from fantasy idea how life and people should be and then they attack anyone not conforming to their fantasy idea of perfection and fake image. Then the receiver of such abuse ends up with intrusive thoughts and anxiety-
and society and CBT will join into narcissistic hysteria by blaming the victim for feeling anxious. The actual abuser who is causing the anxiety will never been brought in to the light.
Suppressing negative emotions and toxic people and trying to be nice and good, obedient & perfect paradoxically turns us into passive passengers, easy targets to bullies, as shown in the movie Incident (1967). The only anger we'd show are people close to us that do not deserve it
---
" I feel sometimes like no one understands me and my problems. "
Sounds like narcissism OR victim of narcissism.
They both report the same sentence that you just wrote here.
Also, this is sentence is leftover from our childhood, teen years. It is called Personal Fable:
"The Personal Fable is a belief held by many adolescents telling them that they are special and unique, so much so that none of life's difficulties or problems will affect them regardless of their behavior."
"What are examples of personal fable?
Examples of personal fable can be seen in the following typified assertions made by adolescents:
"Nobody understands me."
"My parents just don't know what I'm going through-- what do they know about what it's like being a teenager?"
"You just don't know how it feels.""
I would start with checking up narcissism.
This will not go away. With time, you will discover that you can feel good, feel better if you start to abuse people around you - and that is narcissism.
This requires psychological treatment by qualified expert - not general medical practitioner.
OR
If you are victim of narcissistic/psychopathic abuse - you will handle your fears and panic with social anxiety and you will isolate and destroy your relationships with other people due to hiding and not being able to handle panic.
In this case, start by observing your reality - what is happening around you. Can you write down and analyze your fears and anxiety to give them a language, concrete pointers what is frightening you exactly.
Abusers toxic people are excellent at gaslighting - they will explain to you that you are over sensitive. Then they will freely continue with mistreatment and abuse masked as discipline or help or friendship.
When we are victims of covert and over abuse we will tend to develop anxious and obsessive thoughts. And due to our healthy and normal nature - we will never ever even think that someone dangerous or evil in our vicinity could cause this. Instead, we will blame ourselves and our conditioned traumatized logic will prevent us from discovering the truth.
14.1.2023
YT You’re Not Crazy, You’re Just Dealing With a Narcissist | The Mel Robbins Podcast
What DR Ramani is talking about narcissism and difference between narcissistic personality disorder - applies the same onto into social anxiety and social anxiety disorder!
The very same thing.
Social anxiety is used at hand, it is thrown around and hence devaluated.
Having social anxiety is not the same as the disorder yet CBT and many resources will equate it. And this creates huge trauma and detrimental effect, stigma on someone who just might be suffering from real abuse and living in toxic ambient - where disorder is triggered by hallucination.
I had been told throughout my life - definitely by bullies and arrogant people - that my agreeableness is sickness, that I am weak, sissy, stupid, coward, pushover, people pleaser, nice-guy syndrome, unmanly. One person told me that I need to toughen up. I ended up with social anxiety and not feeling safe anymore in the world and doubt my sanity.
"Some people say authentic people are selfish, they're cold, they're uppity, they'll paint them in “who do you think you are”. And all authentic person is trying to do is draw boundary against unhealthy people."
Basically what I have been labeled as social anxiety for 30+ years is being authentic in toxic ambient - avoiding toxic, abusive, hurtful, uncaring people.
Whoa. I was labeled as coward, unmanly, sick, abnormal for not liking to hang around with alcoholic/drug kids in teen years.
And pushover in adult years for trying to help people and trusting them.
That is why social anxiety advice from CBT and self help books never helped me, it made things only worse by believing in it - since then I felt stigmatized all the time that something is seriously wrong with my brain and thinking because I felt uneasy with rude, obnoxious, loud, intrusive people around me.
narcissistic apology “I'm sorry you feel that way” -
actually I read this in one of the self help books about social anxiety, self esteem, confidence or related topic. The author suggested that we deal with someone rude and intrusive by telling this "I'm sorry you feel that way".
So with society we get a lot of wrong messages and wrong instructions that make things worse. That is why I love Humanistic psychology - where we are given general instructions and then follow our own common sense what is correct and avoid what we believe is wrong - based on collected data and experience with note that some information given to us is not for us.
"You do recognize that narcissists are having their pain. But empathy and compassion doesn't mean you remain forever someone's prisoner. "
This is problem with avoidance and Complex trauma - when we were exposed to abuse psychological and emotional one - it is hard not to notice it in real life everywhere, in its infancy stage. And now all the world seems narcissistic. This part is at the core of social anxiety trauma inhibitions. Since there are toxic ambient, toxic environments, toxic countries - emotions are contagious, behaviour is learned (Bobo the doll experiment). Without enough good people, there could be a whole cluster of disorder and dysfunction - and this is unavoidable - you see it, meet it, interact with it - having job in such ambient, it is hell. Without money you are doomed to be prisoner of such toxicity, without money to move away and relocate - only to find ability to detect toxicity in the "safe" place once again. I trust this is trauma work where it is needed, to heal the pain and learn how to react to difficult people in healthy manner without them hurting us - when we are not able to escape them.
"We're talking about narcissism so you can spot it and get distance from it. So that you understand; It is not about you. If feels like it is."
And paradoxically they make us narcissistic - since we spend a lot of time ruminating about ourselves, trying to fix ourselves. Being stuck in self absorption paradox.
Sending a lot of love to Mel and Dr Ramani, our online angels!
💌🥰💕💝❤🩹❤🔥♥
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CBT is Ludovico technique.
IT is meant for psychopaths to calm them down as form of brainwashing, but CBT is used to gaslight victims of abuse, bullying and mobbing into passivity, immobility and zombie servitude to corporations which installed CBT in the first place.
Anyone with social anxiety symptoms - as result of psychological abuse, bullying and mobbing will be explained by CBT that toxic people do not exist and that we can label difficulties in life as to ignore them and shift our focus away by crap fitting into abuse - as Malcom's character ended up with his face in the porridge scene.
I personally believe that CBT was imported by Operation Paperclip after 1945, it was invented by Nazi to brainwash masses into servitude. And Americans used it to motorize working class into machine to pollute the planet and make psychopaths rich.
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"People pleasing is safety seeking." TWITTER
Not necessarily.
Without people-pleasing good, trusting, nice people we would never form & keep friendships, romance or community together.
It is a part of personality trait - it's opposite than narcissism. And if pathologized - it will cause personality distortion in nice people
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"LOW SELF WORTH can look like: lonliness, people pleasing, approval seeking, validation seeking, trying to save others, serving others, depression, social anxiety, codependency, enmeshment, mirroring, self harm" TWITTER
But all this also can be a result of Agreeable personality type set inside the extremely toxic ambient surrounded by Cluster B monsters and with a history of invalidation (cptsd) and heavy gaslighting/mind-washing such as "being too nice is sissy" etc.
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"9 Reasons Why You Should Stop Being Too Nice:" TWITTER
Threads & explanations like this can be extremely dangerous to personality type Agreeableness.
Basically you are instructing agreeable personalities to develop personality disorder since you tell them that they are crazy and in danger for being "too nice"
Only problem are narcs!
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15.1.2023
TWITTER:
Highly ineffective choice.
By saying absolutely nothing - you give the message that it is okay to treat you like trash, and they will repeat it, with more depth each time, testing your limits.
Also, avoidance leads to social anxiety & avoidance, soon you'll develop agoraphobia.
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Silence will give them green light to continue with abuse and enlarge it each time, especially if they are sadistic.
Also, by being passive you are enabling them in abuse and they get the message that they cannot be held accountable for their actions/behaviour - they continue it.
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Normal people will get the message.
But also normal people are not rude to others.
If someone has antagonistic traits, this person is abnormal and being silent to them is reinforcement of their illness. Soon they will abuse sensitive and nice people - and it will be your fault.
-
What happens when you can't walk away and you are stuck when someone who is rude, intrusive, difficult and aggressive?
Being passive about it is a bad choice. You reinforce their cruelty and they will abuse someone else who might not be as strong as you.
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Excellent insight.
What strong people will label as rude, other people will label as sadism and violence.
Now it depends what is the definition of being rude. Who defines it?
This is exactly how abusers get by in life- they say it is nothing, you are oversensitive, you're sissy.
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I would say, let them hate. Let them think whatever they want, do whatever they do - away from us, away from our awareness, away from our focus, attention.
It is not our job to fix their beliefs, moods nor convictions even if they are wrong and about us.
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& without agreeableness on both sides.
Trust, communication and agreeableness can exist but if it is one-sided then we have abuse, coercion.
Cluster B leans on forcing other party to control and manipulate into trust, communication and agreeableness that serves only toxic people
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What is the perfect thing to say when someone is being rude to you? (TWITTER)
Excellent.
Few months ago I wrote "All people have social anxiety" at reddit and I got banned from SA forum later on.
Basically all your answers here down in this thread, believe it or not - stems from your social anxiety levels and how you cope with it!
https://77ranko.blogspot.com/2022/06/banned-post-on-reddit-all-people-have.html
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Truth is that all of us, after age of 18 are quite aware what is rude and what is tolerable.
We are normal and healthy - we do not label someone "rude" over insignificant issues!
Here, being rude is exactly what it is - being rude.
If you start to question your sanity: coercion.
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TWITTER
When we are been told while growing up about our mistakes all the time, in adulthood we will believe we are mistake ourselves and everything is error about us.
So -
When we don't know our self worth, other people will define it for us - and we will believe them.
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TW
Yes - and: what do we see?
Sometimes we are being told lies, especially if we attract toxic people in our lives - and then we believe those pathological lies masked as help, tip, criticism, advice etc.
It would be good to make occasional Reality testing:
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You forgot to say one small important detail.
Standing up for ourselves means we need to be prepared for two things:
1) we need to have money, since we will get fired
2) we need to be prepared for punishment, since abusers have means to control other people other than being rude.
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They don't care. They will interpret your silence as the proof you are inferior to them and that they are allowed to be rude.
You are literally reinforcing their abnormality.
Then they will abuse someone who is not "strong" as you are to the point of suicide. They're sick, psycho
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They will interpret your silence as a green light to continue the abuse and being antagonistic.
You will reinforce their abuse and poor mental health.
Then when they snap, someone down the lane might not be so strong as you, to simply brush it off. You are now accomplice to abuse
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You obviously never met narcissistic person in your life.
Everything you say will be used against you in their court of law - good or bad.
Seems like with positive reinforcement you will get stuck in trauma bond, Stockholm Syndrome "May I have another" type of brainwashing
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However this does not work in real life situations where we depend on that same person for some resource, help, service - such as job, institutions, family situations, being stuck in traffic without alternative ways to remove ourselves -you know, common life situations
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By balance you mean cut toxic people off and not agreeing with them.
Agreeableness works only with normal, healthy, good people - not with monsters. Then it turns toxic.
That's the reason why narcissists mock people-pleasing as being sissy, or unmanly - so that we become monsters
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Narcissists first attack our Agreeableness personality trait since this is anti to them
Then we either engage in Fight response and become monster
OR
we resolve their control, manipulation and psychological abuse as our personality trait actually is in its toxic form: by Fawning.
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DSM and CBT are doing incredible damage to victims of abuse, bullying and mobbing seeking help, then labeling their personality trait Agreeablness as Social anxiety. Without making another distinction with Social anxiety disorder.
This is criminal act what med industry are doing.
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Nice, healthy, balanced people are not rude. They control their emotions.
When someone is rude, we are doomed - anything we do will be wrong, literally any action or inaction will be wrong and cause damage.
This is societal issue which need to be resolved at many various branches
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This is exactly the problem. Now you are trapped in resolving and fixing yourself - instead of living your life, going with your business, goals, interest.
Instead you ruminate about what is happening - this is called gasligtning - now you are in stage where you doubt your sanity
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"I really had to learn to stop taking everything personal to save my sanity."
Those with Agreeableness personality style are especially at risk. Due to their nature, they will trust everyone, including pathological liars. Mixed with trauma (constant criticism while growing up) it is a recipe for disaster.
Society will explain them they're weak/pushovers.
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(16.1.2023)
YT Overcome SOCIAL ANXIETY
Any reaction to anxiety breeds more anxiety.
Social anxiety stems from trauma, it is not pathology.
It is normal reaction to abnormal people, abnormal situations, abnormal events. The only one that ought to shame themselves are bullies, abusers and narcissists who abuse their targets: nice and kind people.
Just because victims of abuse seek therapy help it does not mean they are sick or have illness. It means they were attacked and wounded by mentally sick people around them.
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CBT is wrong therapy for anything. It is criminal in fact, blaming victims of abuse for the abuse.
CBT ought to be banned.
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YT Overcome SOCIAL ANXIETY?! 🤯
"Confront your fear of embarrassment.
Shame attacking exercises, put yourself in a position where you can be embarrassed over and over until you overcome that fear of embarrassment"
Socially anxious people are already doing this.
Any social situation is a position where there is embarrassment.
Self abuse is self sabotage, horrible approach to anything in life.
Even if we destroy our sense of embarrassment - what will happen when we stop taking care of our body and what we do in public?
Would it be normal to smell bad or fornicate in the public or take a dump on streets?
Social anxiety is not sickness.
Sick, abusive, narcissistic people who cause social anxiety in their targets are the only ones who need therapy with methods and techniques - not victims of their abuse.
Our thinking is not sick. There is nothing pathological in emotions.
Unless anti-social, murderers with hidden agenda to harm anyone - there is nothing to fix.
You and CBT are contributing for making victims of abuse to stay in trauma.
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YT If You Struggle With Social Anxiety, Watch This
Social anxiety is not sickness.
Social anxiety is not when we are in outing, social situations and then not knowing what to say. That is shyness.
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety due to abuse in childhood, trauma - and he performed in front of billions of people without any problems - since social anxiety can be functional.
Social anxiety is being stuck in toxic job with abuse, mobbing and bullying and you can't quit this job due to alternative of being homeless - that is panic and anxiety that we describe as social anxiety.
"make eye contact"
"Socially anxious" already look at other people in the eyes. In fact they are zoomed into other people - because of fear and trauma from the past and because of their personality trait to be social. Totally wrong stance.
"Use more hand gestures"
You are describing shyness. This is not social anxiety. You mixed up terms. You are misleading people with wrong information and pathologize traumatized bullied people that they are idiots who can't use their hands. Please just stop. You are making serious detrimental psychological damage to "socially anxious" by giving wrong information.
"Double down on jokes"
You are speaking about shyness here all the time. Total waste of time this video. Misleading and spam really. Clickbait.
Please do us all a favor and
in the future, replace "social anxiety" with shyness.
"Put myself in situations"
You had luck to be in healthy environment. Most "socially anxious" are in toxic environment exacerbating their symptoms.
Your personality style also never been labeled as sick and abnormal 24/7 so you never developed toxic shame - other people were not so lucky in their lives. Inability to realize that other people are not the same as you is called narcissism.
Just because you felt socially awkwardness does not mean you had "social anxiety". You simply were shy.
"Shy"
Being shy and traumatized by society is not the same thing.
Basically you are yacking about yourself all the time which is not social anxiety at all in video called social anxiety. Then you label social anxiety as sickness and you actually believe that mild shy events in your life are the same as trauma and abuse that others went through. Total narcissism.
This is what happens when you reject and destroy your own social anxiety - you become self-centred jerk and a$$hole masked as "nice" guy who "helps" others for the click baits.
Just horrible.
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YT Social Anxiety Worksheet
Basically corrupt medical industry and pharma mafia are instructing victims of abuse, bullying and mobbing to be warped by self-absorption paradox and at therapy - while narcissists who are causing social anxiety are left alone and no one treats them.
CBT ought to be banned, it is detrimental therapy which self pathologizes traumatized victims of abuse.
"Writing down counteractive thoughts"
So basically what Nurse Ratchet community are telling victims of abuse is that when Amber poops in their food and swing a knife at them, that victims of narcissists must change their thoughts?
So when someone is abnormal - we need to fix our thinking about attack and aggression into:
"It's a good way to combat anxiety"
"Everybody has a bad day"
Just horrendous. You are literally victim blaming and shame shifting abuse into targets of abuse. This is criminal act.
This is coercion - this is forbidden by law. You are committing criminal offense.
"No one is rude or judgmental"
Well, Einstein - what happens when someone actually IS rude or judgmental?
Why don't we get some insight about that potential scenario?
And no, most of people were not born with silver spoon in their mouths to be payed and become narcissistic doctor who abuses their patients - so most people will not be able to go away, walk away and leave abusers. What happens when we are stuck with rude and judgmental toxic people around us? Does CBT has an answer for that?
Making money on trauma. Criminal.
Just horrible what sick abnormal narcissistic Trump society we live in.
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YT 20 Years of Social Anxiety Fixed in 30 Days .. This is how I did it
Jesus Christ, so much misinformation. Let's go bit by bit through this utter mess.
"Afraid of social settings and terrified at meeting someone new"
This is not social anxiety. This is shyness. You are describing shyness, not social anxiety. Social anxiety is being stuck at toxic job with mobbing and bullying and abuse ongoing 24/7 without you being able to quit the job due to finances and you must shut up about it - that is social anxiety. Not going to parties.
"Understand why you fear"
Fear is not sickness. If we suppress, deny or destroy our emotions, we will develop mental illness. Fear is normal reaction to abnormal people, abnormal events, abnormal situations. Fear is not pathology. You are committing serious detrimental psychological damage to victims of abuse by explaining fear as something to destroy.
"Speaking on stage"
This is not social anxiety. This is called Performance anxiety.
"Systematic desensitization"
Desensitize to what? Those who are suffering social anxiety trauma symptoms were abused. It would be totally wrong to desensitize to abuse and do nothing about the abuse. Just please stop it, you have no idea what you are yacking here about. You are instructing traumatized targets of abuse to crap fit into abuse.
"Public speaking"
Is not social anxiety. This is performance anxiety.
Michal Jackson had severe social anxiety and he had functional social anxiety - he performed in front of billions of people without any "fears" or "no confidence" as you see from narcissistic fantasy world you living a normal reactions as some disgusting entity to destroy.
"Make list of things which makes you very afraid"
Will make things worse. You are literally teaching kids to develop mental illness.
Our brain is made to detect danger. If you ever been in school you would learn about Darwin - all living beings are wired to detect predators and danger. Brain is not built to make us happy, its primary function is to make us safe and protected. And then adapt to danger. Without this ability, we would be instinct millions of years ago. When you instruct your brain to detect the danger - it will loop and create scenario how to see danger in everything else. This is totally normal functioning of the brain and you are instructing people to develop Pure OCD - intrusive automatic thoughts which are by product of human evolution: to detect dangerous things.
"Filming myself on Instagram or SnapChat that's not so terrifying for me"
This is because you are narcissist. You never had social anxiety. You had a fear of not having supply in form of other people - that is what you labeled as social anxiety. That you would not have people admiring you and appraising you and worshiping your grandeur.
"Tackle them, do that enough times over and over, every single day"
Well, what happens when we don't have money to do them? This scenario never occurred to you due to egocentrism and narcissism - you see other people as objects reflected from your point of view. You literally have no ability to understand that other people are not like you. Instead of instructing other people and abusing them with wrong facts, gaslighting them - it would be better to check a therapist about your narcissistic tendencies before you destroy other people's lives with your entitlement and fantasy delusions you believe in.
"This is how our comfort zone grows over time, I just had to expand my comfort zone"
If you actually had a brain that works, you would notice that 3rd world countries are poor and outside of comfort zone for centuries and they do not grow at all - in fact they are swimming in feces, poverty, corruption and crime. Comfort or discomfort zone has nothing to do with progress.
"Practice confidence"
Leads to superiority complex and overcompensation, as all narcissists try to overcompensate their basic feeling of unworthiness by pretending to be competent.
In reality, confidence is a paradox. If we try to have it - we will never achieve it. And if we accept we are not confident - we will become confident. Tricky for narcissists who refuse to accept they are vulnerable and with mistakes and flaws. Then wearing fake mask is the only choice. And to abuse other people with false information and gaslighting.
"Do the thing"
Social anxiety can be functional. Paralysis is only one form of social anxiety - social anxiety which stems from narcissistic people who abuse them with wrong information, pretending to be help. And this help comes only as personal need for gratification and worship.
Just horrible, what sick society we live in.
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He is criminal. He is providing false explanations and detrimental tips about social anxiety.
Social anxiety is normal, there is nothing sick with social anxiety.
Narcissism is sick, it is pathology that needs to be cured.
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YT Social Phobia & Anxiety Lets Talk #socialphobia #anxiety #letstalk
Social phobia is archaic term. They changed this name into social anxiety in mid 1990s - because "experts" discovered that it is not phobia. Phobia goes away when someone is exposed to feared object - and social anxiety does not goes away.
People who were raised in invalidating toxic environment (being exposed to relentless criticism 24/7 in time of age when personality is suppose to form into adult) leads later in life to the same things you are speaking here: sensory overload and not talking to people. The symptoms are the same for autistic sensory overload.
But the difference is that traumatized individuals were been told that their personality style is sickness - it comes down to stigma.
This means - we were being mocked for how we looked, talked about, as you said in video "look funny", "being different".
I would go a long shot here - but I would work on self acceptance and self validation, how we talk, how we look like, what we dress. Unless it is violent or unkind - there is nothing that deserves to be invalidated.
With trauma in childhood, being exposed to criticism, we start to believe we are abnormal and we are not allowed to be in certain ways that are natural to us. That inability to be ourselves will lead to social anxiety symptoms.
In my case, I discovered that I have personality trait of Agreeableness - and in toxic societies this is mocked. Narcissists, cluster B personalities see people pleasing as sickness and put it down. And being agreeable renders our defenses useless - since we agree with their abuse and aggression, their descriptions.
I guess you will go through the same process - since people will mock you? Or even not mock you - it is simply avoiding you and treating you like garbage? It is no wonder if we feel social anxiety symptoms if we are exposed to mistreatment and disrespect.
I would understand if people hate us if we don't take care of our hygiene so we smell bad, or that we are anti-social and violent - I would understand that in general people would react negatively to us.
However if people are rude and inconsiderate to us simply because we do not adjust to conformist, groupthink herd mentality image of how person ought to be - that is unfair! And it is not our fault. We did nothing to deserve it! IT is not our fault for people being egocentric and judgmental and biased.
As I see you have Ireland's flag in the background. As I understand Ireland is very hospitable country.
In the Balkans, there is culture of toxic shaming - people are extremely rude and they explain this violent aggressive cluster B behaviour as being "honest" - while in the same time they do not react with tolerance when the same treatment is displayed to them.
I would see you ambient as more healthier than Eastern Europe - so it is silver lining. You will have much more chance finding and forming loving warm basically normal relationships with other people if you choose to - than living in toxic country such as Eastern Europe.
Generally speaking,
Social anxiety is alarm, alert that something is wrong either in our past or present which we did not cause - we are not to blame, and that we were exposed to chronic invalidation/stigmatization - and now we do not trust other people.
Then,
Social anxiety is also a sign that we do care about people a lot, and we would like to be part of society. Otherwise we would not feel anxiety - we would become something else and we would feel other emotions than anxiety.
We can be part of society when we feel comfortable in our own skin, being who we are, honest and authentic self - and not changing ourselves for someone criticism or for a critic's sake.
--
"Different, not broken" - I love this! That is it, you got it! You are not broken. We are not broken. There is nothing to fix inside us. We were stigmatized, social anxiety is normal reaction to invalidation by conformist society.
---
Social anxiety is not sickness. You are correct: Labeling our normal reactions to abuse lead to self fulfilling prophecy and stigma.
So if we label social anxiety as something to overcome, we will self abuse ourselves and develop toxic shame.
Social anxiety is alarm, alert - it always has been. Social anxiety, social phobia, social fear is the ultimate core alarm that we are around toxic people who falsely explain our Agreeableness personality as sickness.
Our social anxiety symptoms are our persona, part of our personality which is reacting to toxic people around us.
It is not pathology.
Pathology would be if we are anti-social, if we are violent, abnormal, murderers, if we have hidden agenda to harm others and control and manipulate them. That would be pathology. Reacting to psychopaths is not pathology.
We like being around people - that is why we feel social anxiety when society is sick, narcissistic, antagonistic we do not feel comfortable in ambient of pathological lies, gaslighting, hovering, honeymoon phases, abuse, temper tantrums, unfair criticism, mocking.
Social anxiety can be functional - Michael Jackson had highly functional social anxiety - he performed in front of billions of people even though privately he could not handle social interaction (due to complex trauma we all have for being labeled and bullied while growing up)
When our personality style is being mocked and bullied, invalidated or ignored, stigmatized and exposed to coercion, to be changed, fixed or cured - we will develop social anxiety as the result of this intrusion and abuse. This actions of shaming someone's character is by definition psychological abuse. We were exposed to psychological abuse for being nice, kind. Sick society labels our kindness and people pleasing as sickness, something abnormal - since narcissists who are loud and aggressive are creating world in accordance to their psychosis they believe in.
This means being agreeable - we need to be even more agreeable - this is who we are. We will be confident and we will be around people who will not torture us mentally for us being ourselves. We will speak out without problem.
Yet - in the same time we must cut contact with anyone who is opposite from agreeable: narcissists. So we need to recognize red flags how to recognize them, educate ourselves about toxic people - and how to deal with them when we are unable to cut contact (due to finances, immobility, third party).
People pleasing is not sickness.
It is normal part of human interaction - without it we would never form authentic mutual contact with other people (being in romance, job, friendship or family). It is give and take.
When we give up people pleasing - and when we are taken advantage of - this is not our fault. There is abuser on the other side and we need to cut contact with such intrusive people and alarm them to stop if we can't go away.
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YT How to get rid of social anxiety and become a confident person
Social anxiety is not sickness. It is alarm that toxic people are abusing us. Social anxiety is normal reaction to abnormal people, abnormal situations and abnormal events.
Social anxiety is absolutely normal emotion to feel - there is nothing to eradicate inside us.
We are not anti-social: we are not murderers, we are not violent, we do not have hidden agenda to harm, manipulate or control other people - hence we are not sick for feeling fears and natural reaction to abnormal people.
CBT is detrimental therapy of self abuse, self pathology and labeling and stigmatizing our personality called Agreeableness.
CBT does not explain what will happen when people are actually rude to us?
Positive self talk is form of suppressing our emotions - suppressing our emotions leads to mental illness, this is extremely dangerous for our psychological health.
Exposure does not help since we are not the problem - toxic people are the only problem. Also think about it - we do not have money to expose. And it will not help. If exposure to difficulties work - then third world countries would be Scandinavia by now, they would not swim in corruption, disorganization and crime.
Why would I talk to my neighbour if this neighbour is noisy and uses private information to gossip?
Why would I take advantage of other people by using them as dirty towel to clean my hands and brush them away when I am finished?
If I form contact with people I do it because I feel safe with them - mutually - not because I want to use them up and dump them when I am finished. If they are annoying and intrusive - it is not healthy to stay in contact with abusive person just for the sake of CBT fake instructions.
Self love is abstract to us if we think in the same time that social anxiety is abnormal and something to overcome.
Think about it more deeply.
Social anxiety does not stem from out of heaven. This is inside us, this is who we are. You can't abuse yourself by self invalidating your natural reactions to toxic people and forcing yourself to conditional love that you will love yourself when you are "get rid" of anxiety. That will never work.
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Bunch of wrong and detrimental information of self abuse and self pathology.
Self invalidation is form of psychological abuse.
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YT How to Permanently Overcome Social anxiety
You are talking here about shyness.
This explained in this video is not social anxiety.
Social anxiety is being at toxic job stuck with abuse, bullying and mobbing 24/7 without means to escape due to lack of finances. That is social anxiety.
Not going to parties is shyness.
Social anxiety can be functional - Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety yet he performed in front of billions of people without any problems or issues - nobody would notice that he had fears and social inhibitions on stage.
Idea to self abuse our Agreeableness personality style is form of psychological abuse.
And this is what toxic people narcissists would like us to do - the ones who are causing social anxiety to feel in the first place.
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YT How to BUILD Confidence and CONQUER Social Anxiety
Being shy is not the same as social anxiety.
You do not learn to be confident. Confidence is paradox. Which means:
If you try to overcome it, you will overcompensate and become narcissist with superiority complex. Basically annoying mentally ill person who pretends to be sane.
Paradox is if you accept yourself as you are with all errors and perceived flaws- you will become truly confident, without pathology and mental illness which narcissists have by inventing fake mask of grandeur.
"Get comfortable in being uncomfortable"
Then you end up with Amber and she poops in your food and destroy your career and you are "comfortable with it".
Basically -
Crap fitting into abuse.
Instead of "getting back to horse" I would rather make distinction from what is toxic - reject and cut contact with abnormal draining, critical people - and force interaction with normal, kind, nice people who are not criminally insane.
Basically it is about realizing that toxic people are the only problem in social situations. Not us. Not our reactions to sick people.
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YT What is social anxiety? How to understand social anxiety using the Clarke and Wells model.
Detrimental information.
Totally wrong delusional explanations and it is actually part of psychological abuse since you force people to believe in your pathological web of lies.
Please learn more about social anxiety, leave CBT - dump CBT in trash, and for God's sake turn to Humanistic psychology.
1) "social anxiety prevent you from living your full life"
BS. Trauma prevents it, to be exact: toxic people who are abusive, who were abusive in the past and now and in the future are the sole cause and instigator of social anxiety symptoms.
Social anxiety is normal reaction to abnormal people, abnormal situations, abnormal events.
2) "you won't experience new things inside your comfort zone"
Think about it more logically. Third world countries are inside discomfort zone for centuries. It did not help them to become healthy, sane, organized - in fact - being outside comfort zone makes them stuck in poverty, crime, corruption, sickness, disorganization.
3) "Assumptions"
If you decide to label someone's thinking process and personality style as abnormal, such person will develop toxic shame and personality disorder.
You are literally abusing people into mental illness. Please stop immediately. You are harming other people with fake information from CBT.
4) "you become self-conscious"
This is totally incorrect information. Socially anxious are extremely aware of their ambient and other people. In fact they are zoomed into other people, like with microscope. They evaluate every minor detail on person's face to see if this person is abuser and if the abuser will attack them. You are creating damage by providing wrong information and false explanations.
5) "other people don't see it like that" "even if they do, it doesn't bother them"
How do you know what other people see? Do you have paranormal abilities to read all people minds? Do you have schizophrenia to know what other people really think by reading their mind? You don't know if someone is abusive and narcissistic. But abused people can tell by red flags - which victims and targets of abuse can read easily now.
Cluster B personalities will seek actively to see who is appearing shy - that is because they are predatory types. They actually do sniff out easy targets to manipulate and control: nice, kind, shy, open, friendly, agreeable people.
6) "Other people will think I'm stupid"
What we do when they speak it out? When they are critical?
What happens then? How we actually deal with the core of social anxiety: critical, unfair people who are judging us with incorrect information and trying us to force to believe their pathological lies? Do we agree with them? Do we leave so that they are encouraged to abuse other people even more? Why CBT does not explanations how to handle Cluster B personalities who are causing social anxiety in their targets?
7) "Challenge assumptions" "That doesn't mean that other people are thinking that, or feel about you"
What happens when these are no longer assumptions? What then Sherlock?
What happens then?
You obviously never read CBT explanation of social anxiety - since then you would notice that by definition social anxiety is far of criticism and negative evaluation. This part you skipped. You focused on pharma mafia explanations how to handle social anxiety through self blame techniques, self pathologizing and victim blaming mechanisms, gaslighting and self abuse, self invalidation. Just horrible. You are no different than anti-vaxers idiots and conspiracy theorists spreading delusional fantasy idea which people throw up and you chew them and force us to eat it.
8) "You will miss networking event, promotion"
Money and being slave to corporations is not the only meaning in life.
WE won't take our celebrated narcissistic grandeur money with us when we die.
"Actually you are underestimating your ability to cope with things"
This is the only sentence which I agree with you. And it is censored, I needed to cut out the first part:
"You are overestimating threat"
When we label our personality style Agreeableness as sickness, something that is lying to us, something that is "safety defense" we will develop severe personality disorder and mental illness.
Social anxiety is not sickness. It is persona, it is personality style.
Trauma , abuse, toxic people - are the problem - they need therapy and Cluster B will never seek therapy.
Then we are scapegoated into believing we are crazy ones.
Stop CBT from destroying people's lives by giving wrong and detrimental information.
This is not pleading, this is asking you to stop.
---
YT Social Anxiety Disorder
Indoctrination, brainwashing with nazi CBT explanations of social anxiety.
Narcissists, cluster B predators are forcing us to believe that our warm, open, healthy, social personality is sickness.
Simply horrible in what sick narcissistic Trump society we live in. It is appalling.
---
YT I Have Social Anxiety and You People Terrify Me | Spoken Word
Before we decide to diagnose ourselves with anything, it would be great to check if we are not surrounded by a$$holes first who are feeding us with gaslighting wrong and false explanations of our personality type.
---
YT Social Anxiety
If we were "explained" by force by toxic people around us, narcissistic society, corrupt media that our Agreeableness personality style is abnormal and sick - we will develop social anxiety.
Then we will be without persona, and of course - we won't know how to talk nor how to socialize. This happens because instead of persona who is managing social settings is stifled down, like in movie Inside out - our persona is expelled from the command post. Instead we have intrusive people ordering us how to think, what to think, through conformism, groupthink and herd mentality.
This is natural by-effect of psychological abuse and coercion.
That is why we can't handle criticism, violence, any kind of violation and evaluations from other people - since we are like France under Nazi occupation, our state is in the hand of criminally insane monsters and we believe them to be true and normal.
---
YT How I Easily Overcame Social Anxiety (what self improvement doesn't teach you)
"assumption formed in childhood you are not good enough you and there is something toxic with you"
You are correct.. however Catch 22 you is why you force us to "overcome social anxiety", "Get rid of it"?
Social anxiety is not sickness. IT is personality style, it is called Agreeableness.
Social anxiety is alarm which turns on when we are around toxic narcissistic Cluster B predators.
Hence - it helps us to pay attention to someone who is criminally insane and delusional - we cut contact when it is possible. Or take steps to remove ourselves from it, at least by planning and making plan how to - or retort and alarm them to stop being abusive.
"Without rearrange $hit in your life"
You are contradicting yourself. There is nothing to get rid off. We are not piece of object. There is nothing to cut off from ourselves and then throw this "infected" piece of ourselves into trash. If we are not murderers, anti social, serial killers, narcissists - there is nothing to "throw off" nor reject inside us.
This idea to reject parts of yourself is narcissism and road to schizophrenia, mental illness. We cannot reject reality and keep sane in the same time.
"Form underline assumption that there is something wrong with you"
Yet you explain that social anxiety is sickness that is subject to identify, overcome and reject. You are contradicting yourself.
Social anxiety is not bad. Without it - we would smell bad and we would be obnoxious narcissistic monsters who abuse other people.
"Change myself to their approval"
So - you explain that we must change our social anxiety by removing it. You are telling us to change ourselves to fit into narcissistic description of how people must be.
You are contradicting yourself all the time and you have no idea that you are doing it.
That is sign of narcissism at its worst and egocentrism at its mildest.
There is no step by step.
There is deep eternal self acceptance, self validation of who we are. Not pathologizing ourselves. Not labeling people pleasing as sickness or unmanly.
---
(17.1.2023)
YT The only way to stop being a pushover #bigsisadvice
It is none of our business until we get fired - and if we do not live in rich country like USA where unemployment rate is low and another job is easy to find - we actually might end up being homeless.
Femicide statistics show that women in extremely abusive relationships end up that when they set their boundaries.
And the rest of us we will be punished by toxic mentally ill people who mimic sane people to the public - in one way or another.
Therefore -
Setting boundaries comes with 2 precautions which none of instructors tell us about:
1) we need to be rich to support ourselves
2) we need to be prepared that sick manipulative controlling monsters will punish and hurt us - in ways which they know will hurt us the most, stab us in the back - so we won't even know its them.
---
YT Why You Shouldn't Be a Pushover
Horrible information.
IT is brainwashing to become narcissists and mentally ill person with fantasy world isolated from other human beings, never been able to form any kind of contact - which is impossible if you destroy normal part of gene (DRD2) and personality: Agreeableness.
---
YT Overcoming Self-Doubt: How to Conquer Challenges #shorts
"I chill" "Create space"
In real life, most of our doubting decisions need fast reply, few seconds most of them.
That is part of being doubtful.
Also the important / crucial / core part you never mentioned in your video - when we are pressured to do something in few seconds constantly - this is red flag the other person is mentally ill narcissist, psychopath who is using control, manipulation, coercion to control their targets, they use gaslighting to create atmosphere of doubt - where our inquiry will be met with temper tantrums and violence.
---
TWITTER:
I am talking here from my experience.
I sought for 30 years help,explanation,true real and fact based answers for social anxiety symptoms - and only received CBT explanation that I was hallucination.
Only to discover Agreeableness is personality trait, not sickness as CBT potrays
---
"What is the definition of a toxic person? What causes someone to be toxic? How can one avoid or get rid of a toxic person?"
Paradox is that toxic person will ask himself the same questions and label other people as toxic.
The answer to this paradox and questions lies in the opposite of narcissism;
The Agreeableness Theory:
---
TWITTER:
ABC Model basically tells victims of abuse, bullying and mobbing that our thoughts are creating the abuse, and that we can control, manipulate and change self & the situation by changing, fixing, modulating our thought patterns - as if we are the ones who are pathological liars.
---
TW
And if one replies with temper tantrums, rage and intimidation, we are dealing with Cluster B on the other side. Then interaction becomes intolerable, impossible
---
(18.1.2023)
YT Why Being Too Nice Is "Self-Rejection"
A lot of confusion here. Let's shine a light in a dark room and see what is really going on:
1) "distinction between nice and being kind. These are not the same."
These are the same. Being nice is being kind. The difference is in being "super nice". This is called Negative Politeness. And it is not negative nor bad. I will come to this later on.
2) "Subtle form of self rejection when being with someone in relationship."
This is normal.
This is not pathology.
There is a saying:
"We forfeit three-quarters of ourselves in order to be like other people."
Arthur Schopenhauer
Without this ability we would be isolated, we would never learn the language, common courtesy, we would never be able to make any kind of connection with human beings - since we would be closed, autistic, warped and eventually distorted inside our own fantasy world.
'Through Others We Become Ourselves'
Lev S. Vygotsky
We need other people to form friendships, romantic connections, job opportunities, customers to sell our products/services. You cannot do this if you do not conform to common market laws. We need to forfeit parts of authentic self. This is totally normal. This is not pathology.
There is Quid Pro Quo - give and take. We give a little - they give a little. Problem starts when there is toxic person on the other side who is only taking and take advantage of our forfeit parts only to use and devour them for their selfish purposes since the other person is convinced as you are that you must not forfeit yourself.
Without Give and Take principle the connection with other people is impossible.
3) "It causes people to reject you."
Nope. Toxic people reject you because narcissists can never accept another human being. First they exploit kind and nice people, and then they reject and devalue and discard them - only to hover them back in to another psychopathic cycle of narcissistic abuse of rejecting.
Normal people do not reject other people who are nice and kind.
Sane person will not treat nice and kind person as a dog.
Mentally healthy person will appreciate someone who is kind and nice to them.
Only psychopaths and sadist enjoy in putting other people down for dominance and display of power.
4) "What is the difference – one of them is coming from fear, the other is coming from surrender, confidence."
Well think about Seesaw effect.
Fear does not come from out of space. Fear is not hallucination. We do not get afraid just for the heck of it.
If there is a fear - than this means there is something on the other side that is provoking this fear in the first place.
All emotions are good and needed and healthy. If we start to reject our emotions and label them as sissy, abnormal, stupid and loser - we will create mental illness - since we reject normal emotions inside us which help us revalue reality around us.
Once we are unable to make evaluation of reality since we do not have certain emotions as fear - we will develop psychosis and schizophrenia, narcissism and pathology - since we will base our decisions on fantasy. Not on reality.
---
"By showing up nice in this way you're rejecting yourself and your feelings. As a result your partner then picks up on this and rejects you as well"
If someone rejects you because you are nice and kind, then the problem is in that person, not you.
That person is criminally insane, wearing a mask of normal person, trying to be sane. Fake Mask which narcissists and borderliners wear only starts to slip when they cannot handle reality and real world.
Instead psychopaths prefer fantasy where human beings are cardboard figures which they manipulate and control.
If someone rejects you for being normal friendly and open human being, run away from that person - do not try to change yourself to crap fit into mentally ill people.
---
Mindset to see world as battlefield is mental illness. It is a root of schizophrenia.
---
YT "Being too nice can be dangerous | itnay meethay na bano | motivational story by Quran Light Orator"
Idea to label our reaction to toxic people as "dangerous" or "abnormal" or "something to reject or destroy" will lead to mental illness.
All our emotions are valid. Once we start to stifle them down, we will become mad, we will end up with plethora of emotional illness and we will destroy our self worth, end up with toxic shame internalized deep inside us. Toxic shame is deep self hatred.
When we feel fear and in reaction we are too nice- this is only alarm that the person on the other side is abnormal and dangerous. Not our reactions to criminally insane people.
Mentally ill people like narcissists and predators are not crazy on the outside. They appear like "normal" people and it is hard to recognize them since they are mentally ill pathological liars. To get by in normal life they wear a fake mask.
Our emotions, our reactions such as Negative politeness is like anti-bodies in our body checked during blood test that a virus is present inside our body.
The same way, being too nice is a signal that there is dangerous person around us wearing a fake mask and pretending to be something they are not. This person needs to go - we need to cut contact, relocate.
Our mean side is not the same as being abnormal and psychothic.
We can be nice and good and in the same time tell the truth and being authentic.
If we stifle down our niceness, we will built toxic narcissistic society filled with abnormal serial killers as Putin or Trump in authorities.
---
YT "7 Ways to Cause Narcissistic Mortification"
"Reverse Uno card. They draw you in to get rid of you, this is always end goal. You were always going to be discarded. You were chosen to be with and then to discard. Play the reverse. Do that do them. Devalue them."
and
"Narcisssits on border with psychopathy is common, they boundary breakers, they push limits. They overplay. And they move into area where they don't have expertise, experience, much control. Point out they make mistakes."
and
"Stop offering them supply. It is not shifting to rudeness and loathing, disrespect and contempt. Don't do that. Turn down all emotional content. No emotionallity in relating to them. Find them a little bit boring."
This will also work with anyone suffering from social anxiety, too. Social anxiety is after-effect of narcissistic abuse, exposure to us over long period of time: endless criticism and nitpicking and putting down.
These tips work in real life situations where we are forced to communicate with narcissist due to service, help, getting documents, job, third party - and the other person is obnoxiously rude and devaluing us for no apparent reason.
---
The insight literally transformed by life - Sam Vaknin seminar with Richard was mind blowing. Then in the same time I heard Dr Ramani talking about Agreeableness and all the puzzles came straight to all the missing voids I had search for so long and I could not find the answers to social anxiety issues. Now here it is.
---
(19.1.2023)
YT "HOW TO BE MORE ASSERTIVE | Top 7 Things You Can Do To Be More Assertive In Life"
If we decide to pathologize being pushover, we will develop mental illness at worst, social anxiety at least.
So,
I would not see Deficiency Motivation as the correct path.
Gene called DRD3 carries agreeableness inside our body. IF we decide to reject our internal immunity system against becoming narcissists, we will become crazy.
When we say No - we will get fired from our job and we will be punished by Cluster B. Therefore Saying No means having money to survive without a job and away from toxic people.
Being calm with Cluster B does not help much. Antagonist personalities love provocations just for the provocation sake. If we try to explain we get hooked to narcissistic baiting - and before we know it, we are inside Karpman Drama Triangle.
Being "pushover" means having friends and having and making connections with people. If we are stubborn and non-negotiable - we will repel other people.
People who were traumatized are triggered by other people - so trauma needs to be resolved first. Saying that we need to talk our ideas is the same as saying to depressive person to smile.
Assertiveness is marketing ploy. Assertiveness does not exist in real life.
If there is a need to be assertive - this is actually signal and alarm that we are in toxic ambient around toxic people - and staying inside it, trying to explain our expressions and our authenticity is like feeding piranhas and train them where they need to bite us.
In healthy environment we simply communicate with whatever style we prefer - if we decide to nitpick our style of talking we will develop social anxiety self awareness self conscious symptoms.
---
YT "7 Ways To Become Assertive | Assertive Communication | Assertiveness Training"
Assertiveness is marketing ploy, it does not exist.
We all express ourselves - we talk with people. If we label expressing our ideas boldly - what does that mean? It means that the other person on the other side is antagonistic and this person needs firm answer.
Therefore, the other person is instigator of "assertive" behaviour. IF we need to stand up for our rights - this actually is alarm that the other person is mentally ill - narcissist - someone who lives in their own fantasy world and we are reality check which triggers their rudeness and antagonistic attitude.
So - this is not our problem. We are not the one who is mentally ill.
IF we decide that our own behaviour is problem and that we must be "strong" and "bold" and "courageous" - we are actually now infected with mental illness - since we reject our emotions, push them down and we are convinced that being nice and kind is illness. This will result as social anxiety in the best case and with schizophrenia in the worst case - since we will develop deep core toxic shame, deep self hatred which is hidden behind layer of "being superior" in the eyes of other people.
The only problem are rude people - not our reactions, not our behaviour, not our way of talking.
IF we decide to take CBT "advice" to become assertive -we will develop deep toxic shame and we will ruin our own mental health. Soon we will try to build fake persona - like any narcissist - and this is road to mental illness, being trapped in imaginary world of battles, black and white world of antagonism and chase for money and power over subordinated inferiority people.
Saying No comes along with hidden secret note which most internet gurus never ever mention at all: that is we need to have money. When we say no - we will get fired. We also will be punished by Cluster B personalities - and this means we will be trapped in Karpman Drama Triangle where we will be victim who is saying no to false accusations of mentally ill people who cause drama and conflicts out of nothing, just for the conflict sake.
Rude people are socio-economic issue and societal issue.
We cannot resolve it by pushing down our own emotions and changing ourselves into narcissists.
---
(filmboards)
Without realizing it, this movie is closely connected with social anxiety issues.
Socially anxious people can be divided in two groups:
1) narcissists - rancour mindset like this town at the beginning
2) empathic, nice, kind people - like Pollyanna.
There are two extremes between those two mindset.
At one side there are toxic people who are rude and cause social anxiety in their targets.
At the other side are traumatized nice people who due to Pollyanna syndrome - are not able to forfeit their faith in all people, and hence become codependent on rude people to heal and become normal human beings. Hence socially anxious people will report they cannot handle criticism and negative evaluation.
While Pollyanna syndrome is a bad thing - since it is toxic,
Pollyannaism is not sick at all. In fact Pollyannaism is healthy. As it was presented in the second half of the movie. It heals the community from rancour.
In order to form connection with other people - in romance, at job, in family, with neighbors - there needs to be trust on both sides that the other will not take advantage of you and not harm you.
In toxic ambient, toxic people do take advantage of nice people and then they label nice people as people pleasers and sick in order to gaslight them into confusion and toxic shame. Nice people will not notice this, since they are nice. And then when good people are silent and self censor themselves - we end up with monsters as our presidents - like Putin or Trump.
The point of all human beings is inter-dependence. We cannot form meaningful life without honest, kind and caring connection with other human beings. In fact, being agreeable is in our genes: DRD3 gene.
Therefore being nice and considerate is not sickness, people pleasing is not sickness -as it is portrayed in social media and by internet stoic instant self help guides.
So how we handle toxic people who will take care of our kind nature?
How can we avoid being used by toxic people, covert and vulnerable narcissists who will take advantage of our good nature based on our genes - something that is inside our body?
The answer lies in cutting contact and moving away. That is the only way.
People who choose their illness - we cannot heal them with our kindness.
Also, when people label our concern as weird, dull, sick, stupid - we will internalize these as stigma, and we will deny our body to function and we will suppress our emotions and natural instincts to be kind and nice and helpful to others.
It is essential to seek healthy ambient for us to flourish and where our social anxiety will be Pollyannaism in its true form, not "sickness" or Pollyanna syndrome:
1. We have to realize the problem before we can fix it.
2. If we ignore the problem, it will only get worse.
3. We only grow from overcoming adversity, not from prosperity.
3 Reasons Why Pollyanna Syndrome is Unhealthy
(independentlyhappy)
----
(20.1.2023)
YT "Why do I have these specific intrusive thoughts? "
I see it like this:
Seesaw effect.
When someone pushes our boundaries and common sense, we will feel it as intrusive thoughts.
There is someone who are triggering us into worry and rumination cycle.
It could be toxic person or toxic ambient.
Narcissists are excellent in baiting and blame shifting so much that we do not notice that they are causing it. Instead we self blame and we are convinced that something is wrong with us. This happens because manipulators use our mistakes, flaws and our high moral and ethical standards against ourselves. Then we are easily controlled - simply by someone nitpicking our daily mistakes, someone criticizing normal errors throughout the day and labels them as catastrophe, drama and reacts in hysteria. Where our sense of duty and not to harm anyone - is now turned against ourselves.
We will never blame the other person since we are not toxic - and this way we are trapped inside narcissistic abuse without being aware of what is going on. What we are aware of - is that we are flawed and not perfect and that our normal human daily errors are causing drama and distress to angry, annoying, loud and obnoxious person who labels us as oversensitive and thin skinned - while in reality they are projecting their own high sensitivity to reality and normal human experience of not everything being perfect and going along with the supposed plan of a narcissist.
I would encourage anyone with intrusive worries - to check out for external elements first - before we recline into self pathologizing, self blame which CBT profess onto us and hence causes psychological damage.
---
YT "A Simple For Codependency!"
"falsely believes if only the other person would act right, or do this everything would be ok for them on the inside. "
This is borderline. It is issue with borderliners:
Borderliners try to regulate through other people.
Problem is when someone is with someone tyrannical - experiencing narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse - this puts the target of abuse in role of borderliner - since the victim will try to seek answers and solutions, while abuser is what they only do - is abuse.
Additional problem is finances, third party, immobility - where the target of such abuse cannot leave, cannot exit. Now the target of abuse appears as if borderline and codependent - while in reality they are victims of abuse trapped in situation which is impossible to escape.
I would go easy with labels - since they might stigmatize someone innocent.
We need to see all the context before judging someone.
---
YT "Stand Up For Yourself (Pt 2)"
I agree.
But we really need to have money when we stand up for ourselves - we will get fired. This does not present much problem in wealthy state like USA where it is easy to find another job. It however presents a socio-economic serious problem in less fortunate parts of the world.
Also another note is that rude people are mentally ill. They will punish us. They are also cowards - so they will stab us in the back. We need to be aware of this, that there will be repercussions for our standing up for ourselves. We will be presented as monsters while they will be presented themselves as poor victims.
---
YT "How To Set Healthy Boundaries At Work To Avoid Burnout"
This does not work in toxic ambient. You simply get fired for being authentic while defining what we allow and won't allow - toxic people will not listen to us at all.
Therefore, we need to live in wealthy county such as USA where we can change our jobs easily, without being jobless for years.
Also,
Problem starts when toxic people start to place their unrealistic boundaries on others.
---
"I tend to retreat in my moments of insecurities"
That is the point of predators and bullies.
This way they get all the resources. While nice and good people isolate and hide away from life.
Then we end up with monsters as president of Russia and polluted planet with climate catastrophe.
Because good and nice people say nothing.
---
(23.1.2023)
YT "Social Anxiety"
0:13 "Excessive and persistent fear and avoidance of situations that involve social interaction and evaluation by others."
First of all social anxiety and social anxiety disorder are two different separate things. It is serious mistake to join these two separate concepts and present them as paranoia.
Second there is functional social anxiety - which means that person will not avoid social interaction. Example - Michael Jackson who had crippling social anxiety however he performed without any problems in front of billions of people. Simply not avoiding does not mean social anxiety trauma is no longer present.
Thirdly - situations which are avoiding are not all social interaction. So we have here gross over-generalization which is the basic problem with CBT. CBT tries to explain something complex with limited psychological vocabulary. This creates a lot of problems, wrong definitions and bias of all sorts.
0:23 "I would say many, many people also have subclinical levels of this. Arguably almost everyone experiences a degree of this at times and quite strongly at other times."
Interesting you say that, because at main reddit forum about social anxiety I said the same thing in my topic "All people have social anxiety. All" and this topic was banned by administrator. They accused me of lying and giving false information.
All our persona and personality is based on social interaction. So social anxiety is at the root of all people - even the most confident, rude and aggressive ones who would never appear anxious on the outside. The very fact that they constructed this false fake narcissistic persona of superiority is the sign that they reacted to socially anxious events in their childhood which caused them to act confidently in public and cover up the shame and embarrassment of being vulnerable, weak and "sissy".
0:39 "It shows up like fear of public speaking."
This is performance anxiety. Now you are mixing up various unrelated issues and mash them up in one gigantic entity. That is CBT therapy of error. It follows Aristotelian (il)logic of logical biases where complex issues are presented as simple ones, oversimplifications always distort reality. Instead of rigid mindset - we live in fuzzy logic universe where there are infinite nuisances.
1:16 "Anywhere where we're fearful that we'll make mistakes."
So CBT never questions what happens when we do make mistakes. What happened in the past when we made mistakes? CBT never goes into the heart of matter. Instead CBT makes general statement and then pathologizes the abused person as if socially anxious invent their neurosis out of thin air. This is called gaslighting, victim blaming, shame shifting and this is by definition psychological abuse.
1:32 "Core fear of being rejected, isolated and alone. Being isolated from the group and survive on our own."
Nope. This is incorrect statement.
There is core fear of punishment. Fear of being isolated idea stems from Borderliners who mimic social anxiety and give false information to therapists. Borderliners regulate their emotions through others so they cannot live without narcissistic supply: other people.
Socially anxious people are abused ones, they were abused. Abused by borderline Cluster B monsters, psychopaths and narcissists. Social anxiety is being trapped in toxic job filled with abuse, mobbing and bullying all the time and the target of abuse cannot leave that job due to alternative of being homeless and being abused in the streets exposed to external elements. That is social anxiety.
Fear of being isolated and alone belongs to Cluster B. Not Cluster A and C. Abusers are afraid of being alone since they will eventually be punished for their abuse and misbehaviour - and prison sentence and isolation scares them.
CBT was based on false research in mid 1990s where Borderliners, Narcissists and shy ones were examined for social anxiety so CBT got it basis of social anxiety all wrong - the research was based on Cluster B- people who were left alone by others so they believed that this what they feeling is social anxiety. True socially anxious people would never appear on examination in the first place - because they have social anxiety. CBT is narcissism itself since CBT cannot evaluate what is reality. CBT is horrible therapy of repeating errors.
3:22 "Safety behaviour, we start to avoid, control scenario, context to make it easy. Distract myself, hold on to things. Withdraw become quiet. Listen more. Avoid public speaking. Legs are shaking."
Safety behaviour is safety because there is danger on the other side.
When we are traumatized - we will be stuck in Complex Trauma - which CBT does not recognize. WHO's ICD 11 recognizes Complex Trauma. Without trauma concept, CBT explains remnants of trauma as hallucination. Legs shaking are Charcot hysteria - this was studied 100 years ago. When we are abused our body will absorb the shock which is not processed. CBT explains this as symptom and diagnosis.
In reality, safety behaviours and legs shaking are normal reaction to abnormal people, abnormal events and abnormal situations.
You mix up shyness with trauma of being abused.
You mix up personality with safety mechanisms. Some people have more empathy and they really listen to others. This ability is not pathology. You are, or more correctly - CBT is pathologizing normal human behaviour. This is why psychiatry is detrimental - it stigmatizes people who are seeking help. CBT creates stigma, gives wrong explanations, ignores trauma and makes things worse in the end.
4:15 "Inner critic, where you are hard on yourself."
Oh really. And why is that? How come all these symptoms fall out of thin air? CBT never stops and thinks - well maybe there is Seesaw effect - where someone toxic, abnormal is causing all this "hallucinations". Inner critic stems from being exposed to narcissistic abuse while growing up- untreated mentally ill person who criticized us about any natural normal first mistakes we done as it is catastrophe and end of the world. Social anxiety is trauma, it is CPTSD (which is not the same as PTSD).
6:08 "where our attention is focused. Monitoring these symptoms. Notices every sign of anxiety"
This is totally normal reaction. You are pathologizing normal reactions to abuse and bullying.
6:49 "Really it's just the pressure of anxiety in our system"
That is called dysregulation. In Polyvagal theory - which is banned by CBT - this is called hypoarousal and hyperarousal. Hypervigilance. This is normal reaction to abnormal people, abnormal events and abnormal situations. This stems from being exposed to long term narcissistic, psychological and psychopathic abuse. This is totally normal reaction to abnormal people.
That is why social anxiety is called social, it is social element that is causing anxiety. Not us. We do not invent anxiety. Then it would be called Self anxiety. We do not feel those feelings of dread when we are around normal, healthy people. If our pressure of anxiety happens to triggers and flashbacks - this means there is Complex Trauma that is causing this. Not our decisions, Not our will, it is not in our control. This is Charcot hysteria. Banned by CBT - since it is easier to self pathologize targets of abuse and make them dependent on pharma mafia. CBT based social anxiety on narcissism - where narcissist live in their fantasy world - so CBT tries to explain that anxiety is hallucination, that there is no real threat which is causing this danger dread emotions. Truly socially anxious people were abused and now they have much easier abilities to detect fake people, pathological liars and manipulators. Hence social anxiety appears in social settings. The one and only problem are fake dangerous manipulative psychopaths - not our reactions to them.
7:45 "Bias, we think we see judgement while really someone is confused"
How do you know that?
How can you be certain what someone who is pathological liar, manipulator - is confused?
Or do you believe that toxic people do not exist?
How can you be certain that all people are confused and none of them are dangerous and manipulative?
7:49 "They're not listening to us, they're in their own heads"
Yet Cluster B is extremely focused on exploiting their targets.
How do you explain Cluster B and their tentacles abusing other people in whatever shape and form? By glib charm, honeymoon phases and hovering?
CBT is making serious over-generalizations, this is horrible to watch and listen because over-generalizations are brainwashing. That is criminal offence. Coercion. This is coercion - coercion is criminal act. What CBT doing is criminal.
8:32 "It is human instinct to follow dominant people"
That is groupthink, conformism and herd mentality. Stockholm syndrome. External reference locus of control. Everything that is bad with fawning - it is false and erroneous adjustment to social anxiety - which all people feel in childhood. Most people decide to admire loud people. This way Cluster B gets into managerial seats, presidential seats - and then we have corporations and laws and CBT ran by psychopaths. This is no longer "normal" human "instinct" - conformism is abnormality that is destroying the planet and causing wars.
9:00 "Refocus, drop anchor, focus more on attention, listening , talking"
This CBT "advice" caused me to develop fawning, trauma response.
In reality what happens with this CBT anchor idiotic approach - is that we end up believing and listening and interacting with psychopaths who are by nature pathological liars. So we end up being webbed into their fantasy world which they ran in their crazy abnormal heads. Instead of avoidance and cutting contact - now we are stuck with Cluster B monsters who are just waiting for anxious people to drop their natural safety mechanisms - and then socially anxious people try to "solve" and "heal" and "fix" their loneliness and anxiety by serving abusive people who are devoted to psychological abuse - the same one which caused trauma in the first place!
9:11 "To be really present with people we are with"
Socially anxious people are already present. That is why anxiety exists in the first place!
This is "Depressive realism is a hypothesis that claims that people with depression have a more accurate assessment of certain situations than those who do not have depression."
If there was no anxiety - we would not be aware of toxic people - and we would allow to be puppets on the string.
CBT is making us to drop our persona, personality and CBT is teaching us to become sheep, obedient corporate's slave to psychopaths who will suck the blood out of us.
9:23 "Our key attention is on person we are talking to"
Socially anxious people are already zoomed onto people. It is like being zoomed into with microscope. CBT get social anxiety all wrong, since it based its conclusions on Cluster B who were mimicking social anxiety and Borderliners who entered therapy so they become spokesmen for socially anxious.
Social anxiety is reaction to abuse, bullying and mobbing. There is extremely high awareness of people and being realistic how people are wearing fake mask.
11:01 "Get our thinking on social context"
Ok,
let's get down to the core of social anxiety which CBT ignores.
What happens when people are rude?
What we do when they abuse us?
When they are pathological liars?
Why CBT does not explain - what happens then? How we react to bullying and abuse.
CBT explains that we become "assertive" - but this ridiculous advice is like throwing fuel to fire. Cluster B loves endless arguments and receiving our voluntary personal intimate information which they will use later on against us.
Social anxiety is being abused and bullies - yet CBT never gives any recognition that abuse is actually happening.
This way CBT is telling us that toxic people do not exist and that rude people are rude because of our thinking, that our thinking is causing their rudeness (ABC Model). This is victim blaming, this is gaslighting. This is psychological abuse. CBT is part of narcissistic, psychological abuse. It sides with Cluster B in abusing easy targets : nice and kind people. CBT ought to be banned. CBT was created by Cluster B who were mimicking normal people and got into managerial seats of medical industry.
14:13 "Let anxiety animate us"
Anxiety is not agent of behaviour. Anxiety is voice from our traumatized self. It carries the message - and the message is not in form of words. Anxiety is fear - we cannot transform unknown system into tangible action - it is really bad idea. Anxiety translated literally - will give us false information. Anxiety will lie to us if we take it at face value. This is because we did not learn its language, we did not develop translating skills yet.
Anxiety is similar to sci fi movie from 2016 "Arrival":
"Louise Banks, a linguistics expert, along with her team, must interpret the language of aliens who have come to Earth in a mysterious spaceship."
In the movie we have seen that we cannot take for literal meaning of fog and creature appearing and disappearing - it does not correspond to our world. Just like in that movie, anxiety is trying to tell us something . And it does not take brain surgeon to see that anxiety is cry from our wounded child which was invalidated and attacked - anxiety is message that we keep ourselves safe from Cluster B monsters who appear both as over threat or even more dangerously as covert friend or service.
That is why we want to hide and isolate - our inner child wants protection, validation - not CBT crap about self pathologizing our reactions to abuse, mobbing and bulling.
Protecting our inner wounded child which was subjected to psychological abuse is not self compassion. It is siding by this child and protecting it. It is not pat on the back - it is hugging and trusting we will take care of our wounded past self. Total validation as opposed to invalidation which CBT is promoting and which caused social anxiety in the first place.
18:20 "Do I want to surround myself with people"
CBT this gets wrong wince CBT is therapy for the rich.
CBT is presuming we all have money to support ourselves and that we can change job at whim. And that we can choose another resource at whim. And that we can do "exposure" with all of the money we have.
CBT ignores the poor ones who cannot finance their independence.
CBT ought to be banned, CBT was based on psychopaths and CBT is therapy for psychopaths. Total lack of empathy and real world awareness.
18:27 "It does not say anything about my worth if I show symptoms in public"
Now I got you.
So -- what happens when there is pathological liar and psychopath on the other side who is presenting our mistakes, flaws and lack of knowledge as catastrophe and makes hysteria about it?
What then?
What happens when we depend on such person to give us help, service, information, money? What then?
What happens then? How CBT explains this when we cannot buy our exit?
What happens when we are forced to be humiliated, abused , exposed to psychological abuse by someone who is mimicking being normal?
How CBT explains this? What is CBT solution to oppression? Day after day. Being exposed to long term narcissistic abuse without means of escape. Exposure to long term narcissistic abuse causes brain injury - google it. CBT does not mentions this at all.
Instead CBT is focused on victim blaming, shame shi(f)ting and self pathologizing.
Can CBT explain to socially anxious how we handle hysterical people who are aggressive and abusive and where you cannot escape hands of lunatics?
19:58 "Gradual exposure"
What happens when we do not have money to expose?
What happens when the abuse is ongoing and we cannot do anything to stop it without becoming affected by it?
CBT as psychiatry branch must answer this - and it can't.
Instead CBT is rigid narcissistic mindset model closed in its fantasy world where toxic people do not exist and where we have magical money to escape.
Instead of horrible and detrimental pharma mafia corrupt and psychopathic CBT - there is actually therapy which works for social anxiety.
It is Humanistic psychology. The point of humanistic therapies is to accept ourselves as we are and build ourselves and our self worth on self love, validation and acceptance.
If we are not anti-social monsters, killers and maniacs with hidden agenda to harm others - there is nothing sick inside us. If we believe we must have CBT techniques to handle life - we will tell our brain we are incompetent. That we cannot rely on our natural reactions and instincts, our own messages how to handle life. We will make mistakes - perfection is rigid mindset.
When we accept and take care of ourselves - we will get instructions from inside how to remove toxicity and turn our focus into the light.
When we reject our natural socially anxious reaction to Cluster B monsters, we will hate ourselves and become immobile.
Social anxiety is Agreeableness - we want to be friends with everyone. That is normal and healthy.
Toxic Cluster B psychopaths are causing this agreeableness to turn itself into fawning and being exploited, exposed and exposited to monsters. We are not problem, we never were.
CBT is instructing us to develop deep self hatred and self rejection and to build fake mentally ill narcissistic mask.
Part 3
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma.
We are talking here about abused people, people who were exposed to cruel treatment by mentally ill people who were mimicking normalcy to outside world.
We are talking here about education in Cluster B and education how to handle psychopaths.
There is nothing to cure inside us.
Our panic is mere normal and expected and desired reaction to someone who is dangerous anti-social and abnormal to the core.
Instead of doubting ourselves and CBT gaslighting, making us feel crazy for reacting to abnormal people - we need to start doubting other people and trust our inner reactions to toxic people.
This means - instead of CBT we need to learn about psychopathic abuse and how to recognize psychopaths ('The Hare Psychopathy Checklist' test as start).
CBT never ever mentions ACE test - that we test ourselves what score we have in our childhood wounds.
CBT ought to be banned, it is part of narcissistic abuse, narcissistic toxic society.
---
Social anxiety is being exposed to narcissistic abuse and psychopaths, Cluster B.
If we start with idea that we are the problem - we will gaslight ourselves into being crazy for reacting to crazy people.
To make it more complex, abnormal people like narcissists and borderliners mimic social anxiety since this way they can present themselves as poor victims - and then hover and suck in and gather empathic people with real social anxiety in order to control and abuse.
Social anxiety is being trapped at toxic job with bullying, mobbing and abuse without means to escape due to lack of money or alternatives. Social anxiety is not issue of being lonely/not having conversations - that is shyness issue at good side and borderline at sick side.
---
Social anxiety is not talking issue. That is a mere shyness. Social anxiety is after-effect of narcissistic abuse and bullying and mobbing.
Social anxiety can be functional - Michael Jackson sang and talked to billions of people around the world without any problem and had crippling social anxiety in private. Trauma was still there and it doomed him to gone to soon,
So -
Mere talking will not help at all.
---
The fear we have from society did not fall out of thin air.
Fear is conditioned into us, like Skinner's box, Pavlovian dogs training, we were trained and hypnotized into social inhibition.
When we decide that we are abnormal and that we must react to fear such as CBT idea of exposure - we will paradoxically make our fears into our gods.
Problem with fears lies in Darwin.
Our brain is 6 million years old. It survived since it developed ability to detect and avoid and adapt to predators.
Therefore, we have mechanism inside us which detects fears.
The idea to add fears and explain our brain that our fears are abnormal - will end up in us being even more afraid - since brain will do what evolution told him to do for 6 millions of years.
We are not gods, we cannot be without fears. Psychopaths do not have fears, they do not have emotions.
Instead of detrimental CBT, I would rather turn to Humanistic psychology - learn about it, read about it more and more, educate myself about humanistic therapies.
---
YT "Healing Through Social Anxiety For Nice Guys (Step By Step) - UnLocked EP 5"
Fear of public speaking is not social anxiety. That is Performance anxiety.
Social anxiety is nothing to be healed. You do not heal alarm when it goes on. The alarm is not the problem: being late is when alarm does not go off will be the problem.
"Social anxiety is common, natural, totally ok"
When I wrote this as topic at reddit social anxiety forum I got banned and topic was deleted. The administrators claimed that I am lying and giving false information.
"it's not that big of threat"
Everything is contextual.
Cluster B is big of threat.
Social anxiety is part of Complex Trauma - being exposed to narcissistic abuse while growing up (endless criticism of our mistakes and flaws in age when we were suppose to learn on our natural mistakes).
"Living the life thinking the belief is true"
Ok.
Then we step into reality, real life.
What happens when someone is pathological liar?
When someone is bullying us and we cannot escape?
When someone is blaming us for things we did not do and they do not listen to us and we cannot leave?
That is social anxiety.
Social anxiety is analogy of being trapped inside toxic job with bullying and mobbing and abuse without defense and without exit. Being stuck inside the whirlpool of abuse. That is social anxiety - alarm and message we are inside abuse and toxic ambient.
You are keep talking about exposure, grounded - as if social anxiety is equal to immobility.
Social anxiety can be functional.
The very fact that you prance around, talk to people, expose and be hero of party - does not mean that social anxiety is gone.
Case in point - Michael Jackson, he has severe crippling social anxiety yet he performed in front of billions of people without anyone noticing that he had social anxiety.
Socially anxious people are already present, they are highly present and highly aware of reality.
"Depressive realism is a hypothesis that claims that people with depression have a more accurate assessment of certain situations than those who do not have depression."
"nothing is wrong" "everything is ok" is advice to crap fit into abuse.
This is recipe to end up with fawning as trauma response to Cluster B.
Instead of grounding - I would rather go into direction of opposing conformism, doubting others and my conclusions and bias, saying no, making fool out of myself, allowing myself to react naturally even if it comes out as nerd or hysterical Karen. If someone is abusive - the problem is not in our natural panic fear reactions to psychopaths.
---
Social anxiety is reaction to abnormal people.
Speaking and asking questions to pathological liar is enabling the abuse.
---
YT "Living With Social Anxiety & How To Overcome It!"
This is not social anxiety.
Social anxiety is the direct result of abuse, being exposed to abuse.
Emotional abuse, psychological abuse, narcissistic abuse.
When you develop social inhibitions based on pandemic and other people - this is being borderline. You expect other people to regulate your emotions. You depend on other people to feel good about yourself. The feelings when this expectation does not happen mimic social anxiety symptoms. That is why CBT and google are detrimental to our health - giving false explanations based on incompetent non expert basis.
Look at your examples - your social fears are associated to a person you are attracted and you depend on this person's acceptance. You are afraid of being rejected. That is borderline. That is not social anxiety.
Social anxiety is being stuck at toxic job with abuse, bullying and mobbing without means of escape nor defense. That is social anxiety. Fearing that sexy girl will reject you is borderline. There is social inhibition, but different thing from social anxiety.
Social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation. Plain and simple.
I am not sure how could you do "research it" and "read many books" if your perceived social anxiety started 2 years ago? Try research span of 30+ years and then the findings will not be the same.
Socially anxious people were abused while growing up, the same as borderliners - however as oppose to borderliners, socially anxious people did not invent fantasy world in form of other people. Socially anxious people remained sane and aware of reality - so basically if you tell socially anxious person that they are morons who cannot trust their own conclusions and natural reactions - you are repeating the same abuse and invalidation which caused social anxiety in the first place.
You do this Rescuer mode inside Karpman Drama Triangle since borderliners use empathy as hook to capture easy targets to abuse later on, while the target feels enough safe with you.
Social anxiety is not immobility. There is Functional social anxiety - where socially anxious people go to "social events" and "face their fears" all the time. The problem is that trauma is still stuck inside, and fawning will be response to bullies, abusers and borderliners like you who appear friendly and nice but all you do it making targets of abuse to be helpless and hapless victims which you must save with your precious grandious advice.
Your crisis is borderline - learn more about it, a lot of things will fall into place. As oppose to narcissism there is hope for borderliners.
It is curable.
---
YT "Social anxiety doesn't have to ruin your life."
Horrible approach which borders with psychological abuse. Providing wrong definitions and false claims.
Social anxiety is result of being exposed to abuse. Social anxiety is not the same as social anxiety disorder. These are 2 different concepts and it is criminal to join them into one concept of paranoia.
Panic symptoms do not fall out of air. These are conditioned responses, the same one find in Skinner's box or Pavlovian Dogs.
There are Cluster B monsters who are focused on their targets. If we decide to believe in CBT fantasy that toxic people do not exist and that we must trust all people and ignore red flags and our instincts, we will end up stuck with psychopaths.
While CBT explains that we ignore our reactions as hallucination -
why CBT does not explain what happens when someone is pathological liar? When someone is providing us false and detrimental information, like you do in this video? What happens when someone is aggressive and rude? How do we handle these socially anxious real life situations?
Will noticing shades of green help? And looking at their sneakers?
Can CBT tell us what happens when we are abused? Should we ignore our natural panic symptoms?
Is stifling down emotions healthy?
Is being without emotions normal or abnormal?
Does psychopath have empathy and emotions?
Instead of this real life situations, CBT is always focused on self blame, self hatred and self pathologizing. This way psychiatry is doing severe and deep psychological damage to anyone believing in CBT crap.
"Anxious at events, restaurant"
This is another misleading wrong conclusions from CBT. Social anxiety can be functional. This means people can go to events, read out loud, schedule trip - and still have social anxiety.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma - which is not the same as PTSD. CPTSD is not recognized by CBT nor DSM, so it is easier to blame victims of abuse for their own experiences of abuse, you are blaming victims of abuse for being abused.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology which actually helps with social anxiety.
CBT makes it worse and people who listen to it will end up with fawning - since CBT will explain that toxic people do not exist and hence that we must never cut contact with toxic people or we will be "sick" if we avoid abnormal psyhopaths.
CBT is narcissistic tool, CBT is ableism. CBT is narcissistic abuse, gaslighting and brainwashing, self lobotomy. Mentally ill psychopaths infiltrated by mimicking normal people into medical industry and forced CBT as a tool to abuse targets of psychopaths.
CBT tells us that we are assertive to difficult people - and this is exactly what psychopaths want - that their narcissistic supply (us) are interacting with their fantasy lunatic world they believe inside their crazy heads and they use private information which we voluntarily give them by being "assertive":
psychopaths love endless arguments without solutions.
Social anxiety is alarm. Social anxiety is not sickness. Alarm is not sickness. Alarm is alarm - it warns and alerts that there is something toxic around us which is sick, such as CBT.
---
YT "How
to get over social anxiety #shorts"
Borderliners are convinced that they have social anxiety so that they can attract real socially anxious angels under their web of deceit and abuse.
There is concept of Functional social anxiety.
Where you can talk to people and still have social anxiety.
Horrible how much wrong and misleading information toxic society spreads around and force feed us with narcissistic / borderline crap.
---
"I was so shy in school, but then I got a job working at the mall in a clothing store where I had to talk to strangers all day long and make sales. I learned that people aren’t really that scary and I opened up tremendously. It’s called desensitization therapy."
Shyness is not the same as social anxiety.
You are doing tremendous psychological damage by equating your shyness with victims of psychosocial and narcissistic abuse.
Good intentions are pavement to hell.
---
"It may not go away even if you confronted but it will make you feel better every time you try."
Unless Cluster B and toxic ambient is the default settings.
Then you end up with symptoms of narcissistic abuse effects.
Long term exposure to narcissistic abuse can cause brain injury - google it.
--
Person in the video is borderline.
They mimic social anxiety in order to feel superior to inferior us, as they perceive reality in their narcissistic minds.
Being Rescuer gives them feeling of superiority, this is how they regulate their mental illness.
---
(25.1.2023)
YT "How not to be taken for granted | Gurleen Kaur - Communication & Leadership Mentor"
Missing information:
There is DRD3 gene which holds agreeableness personality trait. This means, it is in our body to be nice. This being nice and fair is not something to be switched off as much as not being left handed, brown eyes, brown hair.
If we decide to "fix" our core self in order to crap fit into toxic abnormal narcissistic mentally ill groupthink conformist society - we will develop personality disorder, end up with psychological damage and eventually mental illness.
If we decide that our genes are being "weak", "coward", "sissy" - we will develop severe and deep toxic shame - deep core self hatred. I would be careful with explanations not based on medicinal facts about our body.
If we decide that we engage in conflicts and confrontations which 99 percent of them can be resolved through communication and letting go and cutting toxic people off - we will add up to narcissism in society and enable psychopaths to have zombies to exploit.
If someone is rude, disagreeable - this is not our problem. We are not the ones who must change something inside us in order to magically control and manipulate someone who is mentally ill but mimics normal person by acting normal. Idea that we must self pathologize our genes of being nice and to label our natural reactions in form of panic to abnormal people and abnormal situations, we will destroy ourselves in the process of self-stigmatizing.
The truth is that toxic people love conflict, sick people like narcissists and borderliners love triggering emotional reactions in others, they love endless arguments - this is their narcissistic supply. Our reactions feed their ego and fantasy of grandeur that they are powerful and feared by others.
When someone is consistently rude and triggers fights and being unfair - we have only one option - leave them and make project of exit if we are not able to leave right away due to money or third party.
The truth is when we say No to rude people - we will get fired from the job. So saying No even when not entertaining any fear - means that we need to have money.
Icing on the cake is Negative politeness - and it does not work. Rude people are stubborn, they are not human beings, they do not see other people's wants and needs because they are sick in the head. So any our arguments, nice or whatever package they come out of our mouth - will not reach narcissistic mind.
Narcissists do not see reality - they see their fantasy explanations while reality is being filtered through their crazy, sick minds.
Along with being fired - we also need to be prepared for punishment, since our existence triggers narcissistic injury and narcissistic mortification in sick toxic people - whatever we do or not do will shatter the magical fantasy world they live and believe in very firmly. Their sick fantasy world also means we will be forced to do unrealistic tasks.
Also their fantasy world means they will be pathological liars so any argument with them is futile.
Any techniques, throwing money on mentors and guide - means we distrust our own resources to know what is best for us - this also leads to toxic shame and destruction of self worth.
Ebbinghaus Forgetting Curve tell us that eventually we will forget any steps and tips which are external to our own personal experience in life - so it is futile to spend money and time on listening all this.
Final word -
when we forgo our niceness and become stubborn - we will create toxic world which we have right now, with pollution and psychopaths running the countries.
Being nice is not sick, it is not pathology.
Being rude is.
---
YT "How to Overcome Feelings of Low Self"
Confidence tips will not help if we do not have basic Maslow needs met. In fact, trying to work on higher Maslow needs hierarchy will have the opposite effect.
People are not hard on themselves. Toxic people are external factor which is intrusive and toxic, that is why toxic people are toxic, they bring toxicity - it is outside black swan event - it is not personal choice to be abused. Ukraine did not choose Russia to invade them.
---
YT "Trauma Wounds Flare When You Try To Be Part of Groups? Here's How to Heal"
I see it is important to learn about types of toxic people and red flags.
I believe that social anxiety paradoxically and unintuitively means we have huge social hearts and really love people in so much that we accept everyone.
Then virus people like narcissists and aggressive borderliners wreck damage inside us - since we have no boundaries, we believe and trust and accept everyone - and then pathological liars and toxic people who enjoy arguments and drama - destroy us by forfeiting our faith in people and trust in people.
I would see cutting toxic people as ability we lack - most probably due to complex trauma experiences where we were programmed to perceive difficult people as authority, someone to obey automatically and shut up, where we avoid friction with someone who is toxic - and then we have only two options - either be silent or isolate.
Third option would be to cut toxic people off, and still stay in contact with healthy people - and to learn red flags and trust our social anxiety panic emotions as detection mechanism rather than personality flaw or some sign we are the problem as CBT will explain us once we google social anxiety or read books about it.
---
YT "Childhood trauma survivors are often sponges for the shameless parent #shorts #shortsfeed #shame"
"A world full of shameless demons. But why are we here amongst them?"
What I learned is Yin Yang.
Apparently this universe is build on dualistic principle.
Logic and Freud's unconsciousness.
Good and bad.
And Jung discovered that we must have all components installed inside us. When we are exposed to evil people and toxic people described in video - we will tend to suppress our own dark side -
and we are left without defense mechanisms such as cutting toxic people off or warning and alerting them AKA Negative politeness.
We end up psychologically injured and traumatized since we try to be good.
But as it was explained in Clockwork Orange - goodness is choice, it is not something that is mechanical that can be manipulated and forced upon us.
With toxic people we try to be opposite from that crap - and in the process of being good nice positive and happy - we become unable to process toxicity which we automatically reject - and eventually we are overflooded with toxicity - since we have no anti-dote to poison.
We end up mentally imbalanced because we are unable to process toxic people by trying not to be toxic.
Being totally without shame is as toxic as being fully filled with toxic shame.
---
(26.1.2023)
YT "CPTSD: how to heal from it (WITHOUT getting frustrated with yourself!)"
"In the process of healing any trauma if you identified CPTSD elements, you really, really must have a very good relationship with yourself. You ability to relate to your own self is critical. There are no quick fixes."
True.
From my own personal experience - I never was bullying myself directly. IT was more like general sense of deep covert self hatred for not being strong enough to fight back the real life bullies and difficult people.
Also what faulty CBT done is that I started to believe that I am sick for reacting to angry and difficult people - as if my personality and personal trait is sick because I react in panic to scum bags.
And one more thing -
trusting myself is tricky with Complex PTSD because there is toxic guilt inside us. It appears like anxiety - and it appears like inner voice - and it mash together with realistic reaction to difficult people and events - and we trust it, we do not distinguish between our true self (being nice warm sensitive person) and between toxic guilt and toxic shame which gives us bad memories, and false interpretations which seem as coming from us - but in reality it is virus, implanted programming from conditioning by someone toxic around us.
This means - when we try to trust ourselves - we will also trust these virus programming inside toxic guilt and become over-sensitive and being offended by everything.
This starts to be problem when we do encounter someone aggressive, toxic, intrusive - and then I try not to be over-sensitive and not offended - and then I end up with fawning, shutting up, people pleasing, negative politeness towards someone who is rude and who deserves to be alarmed and alerted to stop, someone whom we need to present with facts and truths.
---
"CBT is a waste of time for complex trauma if it is generated by chronic childhood abuse. You need complex trauma based therapy"
Humanistic psychology. It is based on self worth, building trust in our own abilities that we can come up with our own solutions even if wrong - that we learn from our own mistakes.
CBT is based on panic symptoms and pharma mafia. CBT is based on nitpicking panic - it explains that toxic people do not exist, that when we are abused that we have hallucinations and that we handle someone who is pathological liar and from Dark Triad by being "assertive" - that we reveal them our personal information that we volunteer our time and focus and energy on someone who loves endless and fruitless arguments and drama and constant chaos. Also CBT is for the rich - since common reply from CBT for anyone in toxic environment is to get out - and you need to have tons of money to support yourself without job, relocation and building a new home somewhere else.
What's the worse, CBT will explain that we are sick, that our panic reactions are delusions and paranoia, that our personality trait is the same as our panic reactions - which destroys self worth. And it doesn't stop here. CBT tells us that we must be engaged in our thinking all the time, making Excel charts and tables of our symptoms and list of our fears - which only enlarges fears more and more - since fear is infinite, once we identify something scary, our brain due to Darwin evolution will invent new fears to worry and protect from.
Then CBT will use ABC Model - which is path to schizophrenia - since CBT explains that our own thoughts are creating external events, and that we can change external reality by nitpicking and manually transforming our thinking into different "better" explanations than true reality.
This is catastrophe for someone stuck in abusive toxic environment since you end up enabling someone who is criminal and toxic and dangerous. You end up with fawning and people pleasing and enabling their abuse, since you would label their rudeness and aggression from the mindset of toxic empathy.
So if someone is using psychological abuse - we will go along with it.
---
"the idea of me being coached by the kind of teacher I am when I teach guitar. Patient, adaptable"
Jesus, I had such toxic childhood and toxic environment, when I read this. You reminded me -
I literally went to guitar teaching as child - and our "mentor" was extremely rude, aggressive, loud mouth, screaming "person" that I ended up by quit it after few days, I ran in tears. Other kids also.
The same process repeated in school, driving license - the driver's instructor pushed me out of the car into the street when I warned him that I cannot continue driving if he would continue screaming at me.
---
YT "Woke Oversensitivity is Destroying our Culture"
Paradox is that oversensitivity to woke oversensitivity is also oversensitivity.
I have been banned from countless forums just for speaking things from different perspective - I never cursed, I never threatened someone, I never was rude - the only basis for the banning was uncomfortable truth.
What I see with oversensitivity is as Richard said in video - it is Ad Hominem, attacking the person instead of arguments. It is covert narcissism, being a victim just as a tool to control the other person.
Problem starts when the other person is objectively wrong. It depends on the context.
Obviously it is wrong to ban people's scent as shown in video or someone's grammar and usage of words - that is what borderliners do - they try to control, transform easy target - someone who is empathic and agreeable - and it turns into psychological abuse, since each person is different, there is no ultimate truth about what is comfortable, good and nice versus wrong, error or untolerable.
I see the basic line to divide between good and evil is in being unkind and violent.
Obviously oversensitive traumatized sensitive people will overlap with covert narcissists and see everything as unkind.
The problem with narcissists is that they impose themselves into others, they are intrusive and aggressive.
Traumatized sensitive person who is oversensitive will suffer in silence and shut up - and this is also not healthy.
I would go along with Richard:
"If you disagree with somebody or you think somebody's acting in a way that's unjust absolutely you should and you can do something about that. If you disagree with it, is not to scream and cry, silence them, is to present better argument."
---
" I was easily triggered by aggressive speech and felt like I was in physical danger if I had a verbal altercation with anyone. I was working retail and that happens frequently"
"I found a good therapist who specialized in PTSD. It was incredibly healing and the first step I made towards making healthy choices in my life."
How did this help you not being offended by someone who is hysterical?
Were you ever had emotions of unworthiness and catastrophe and intense toxic guilt when someone was aggressive and intolerable?
CPTSD is not the same as PTSD.
People who are easily offended and oversensitive have this programmed panic reactions when someone is intrusive and unreasonable and not following unwritten social contract. Then they have only two options: to shut up and fawn and be pushover and people pleaser OR fight response, and eventually get fired for screaming at someone who is extremely rude.
I wonder if discovery of "healthy options" helped you to get over this programmed panic - what exactly you mean by that?
Does it mean changing the job?
Because some people do not live in wealthy countries like USA and UK with low unemployment and easy alternatives to find another job.
Does it mean you changed magically the way how you process input?
Or did they instruct you that you lean onto unhealthy defense mechanisms such as repression and denial and living in a fantasy world of your own?
---
"You feeling uncomfortable is not the same as being punched in the face."
Traumatized people feel like that. Someone rude feels like physical danger, that cruel and unusual punishment is imminent.
What I discovered traumatized people who experience this intense panic when uncomfortable are divided in two groups:
1) Group where I belong - where we are aware that this is allergy and oversensitivity and we try to overcompensate panic and eventual punishment by being quiet, fawn, shutting up, self-censorship, and breakthrough moment would be to start talking and speaking our opinion without basing our own worth on the person's replies whatever they might be - positive or negative. I trust traumatized empaths and HSPs are in this group. We simply do not want to hurt others, and Negative politeness mixed with toxic empathy makes us stuck in toxic ambient and this appears as codependency, but it only mimics codependency. This means, once we are aware of Karpman Drama Triangle - we will cut toxic people off and leave toxic ambient - it is realization about being abused that is hard to achieve.
2) Bullies, covert narcissists and borderliners - who engage in torturing the supposed target. To make it worse, most of the time they do not have courage to tell this to general public as shown in video. Instead they psychologically abuse the first group - silent empaths and HSPs who avoid being over-sensitive and take the automatic toxic and unfair blame on themselves. This group is truly codependent, they truly are aware they are inside Karpman Drama Triangle and make no effort to change since their covert abuse is producing results: parasiting over good and nice people.
Looking afar - the second group is more successful in life - since they will be more active and outgoing and they will basically parasite on passive traumatized sensitive people.
The same for narcissists - they are crazy and criminal - and in the same time not being afraid of consequences nor punishment - they are more active in life, they scare away the sensitive people and then get all the resources which they feel entitled to use. When someone is active - they will have more chances in life to get use of opportunities that spring up occasionally. If they mess up - they simply blame and attack innocent victims around them.
And then being silent to this attack is wrong choice.
If we label our reaction to abuse as over-sensitivity and being easily offended - we will end up being stuck in toxic ambient with toxic people. We will end up rationalizing our defense mechanisms as being over sensitive and being over-offended.
That is why the first group will get the wrong message from this video. They will simply wrongly confirm that their standing up for themselves is wrong and oversensitivity and being drama queens.
---
It is amazing for me to see this is happening in USA and UK - while this toxic narcissistic covert psychological abuse by Karens is something that is normal in Balkans. All people in South Eastern Europe enjoy shaming other people, God complex and being smart and knowing what is best for other people. I guess this virus of covert narcissism has spread into normal and healthy West.
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YT "8 KEY PHRASES GET MEAN PEOPLE TO BACK OFF/ STAND UP FOR YOURSELF/LISA ROMANO"
"I didn't respond for 50 years and I found that their insults and putdowns accumulated in my psyche, and after 50 years their insults and putdowns were my constant companion in my head. At which point I had to literally say out loud to myself in private, " They are divorced for a reason, His adult children don't want to be around him for a reason etc. I found this had a great effect on stifling the bad programming of their voice in my head."
Yep, you are talking about having good agent inside our head which leads us to new train of thoughts - that are functional and healthy, as opposed to be stuck in the same programming that we were conditioned to believe and lean onto which are toxic and self defeating - such as being silent and always shutting up to unfair treatment.
---
(27.1.2023)
YT "Codependent"
🎯👍
"I spent all the time trying to defend their perception of me, "
I learned this is called Negative Politeness.
With criticism in childhood we learn to be too much polite, we take Politeness Maxims to the extreme - where we are polite in order to avoid someone's punishment, as you said in video "I'm safe if they're calm. "
With Negative Politeness we do not speak out the whole truth, hence we cover it up and sugar coat it in order to avoid their temper tantrums, and most people can't even bare to talk about issues and problems. It is easier to find codependents and everyone who fawns due to childhood trauma and programming - and then we are easy to get along with.
This makes us excellent target for narcissists and all sorts of toxic people.
We can't break through to be totally honest since our old triggers and flashbacks keep appearing when we try to stand up and be firm. It is like being trapped below the ice cover surface and we can't break the ice to come out into the open.
Even if we start to speak up, we will feel toxic guilt and shame - and their projections won't help much in the process.
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YT "The Dark Psychology of Arthur Shelby"
I don't understand why people watch this crap and why is this produced in the first place?
You are infecting yourself with evil. You won't become "strong", this is narcissistic fantasy, that you can magically become "strong" and manly and alpha by watching and absorbing severely mentally ill people.
---
(30.1.2023
YT "2 Major symptoms of Social Anxiety & How to manage them? #mentalhealth -Dr.Pavana SP|Doctors' Circle"
"Everyday situations, fear of being judged. You feel fear of being negative about others"
Incorrect statement.
Social anxiety is anxiety related to criticism and negative evaluation.
It is not general anxiety. It is fear of being around bullies, narcissists with narcissistic abuse tactics, psychological abuse - such as this video which gives false and incorrect descriptions of social anxiety.
"Emotional, physical symptoms"
This is called Emotional dysregulation, Survival mode. This is reaction to bullying, abuse, mobbing,
It is not fear of something terrible happening to you, it it terrible things happening to you.
"This social anxiety could lead to missing opportunities"
Again, incorrect statement.
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety yet he performed in front of billions of people without trouble. He was rich. That is called Functional social anxiety.
Yet he still had social anxiety trauma inside him and was very anxious in private intimate life.
"Therapy desensitization"
Well, think about it more. If you get numb when someone is abusing you - how healthy is that? Would be normal to feel numb when someone is terrorizing us?
"Taking medical drugs"
Say it what it is - Pharma mafia. Drug pushing program handled by corrupt medical community.
Just horrible horrible what this world is turning into, mafia, incompetent doctors who are vomiting out crap from CBT without actually helping anyone - making abused people into zombies.
For shame!
---
YT "WARNING! Are you unable to process words because of social anxiety?"
I find in my case it is amnesia. I understand now this is due to Amygdala hijacking - our cortex brain shuts down and our lizard brain is activated. It is like being in Safe Mode in Windows 98, only basic graphics work, limited diagnostic software can run in that mode. So all the tips, all the advice, all the experience - is erased when being triggered. Obviously - it is trauma response.
With time, as I read massive amounts of self help books about social anxiety - all based on faulty CBT - I learned to switch from Freeze response into Fawn response.
And that made things worse - since I would put up with bullies, abusers and mobbing and I would end up with internalizing their shame messages. I would never stand up for myself even though if the other person was lying and giving wrong incorrect statements about me or my actions - I would not defend myself. I would smile, try to appease them, I would have toxic empathy where I would rationalize their emotional dysregulation as them being unreasonable and in pain, I would totally stand on their side, like occupied France during WW2, being totally passive about someone unreasonable toxic and aggressive.
I also learned couple of days before that this concept has a laser sharp description: I developed Negative politeness. This politeness maxim is when someone does not mention elephant in the room for saving someone's face from embarrassment.
In the case of this violent drunk borderline woman - Negative politeness would be not stating the obvious: for example: "You are drunk, You are abusing homeless person, this is crime, I'll call police". It is like toxic empathy, feeling sorry for someone abusive for being intoxicated - while she is never faced with her chosen evil behaviour.
The thing is that with social anxiety - we are empaths, we are sensitive, we are HSPs, we are diplomatic - we do not like fights, we do not like endless arguments which leads to nowhere. This is in our personality. Since the world we live in is hostile and narcissistic, our values are being tested and we take the beating - we are constantly in the victim role whatever we do whenever we clash with reality: abusive, aggressive, hysterical people.
If we argue with them - they will over-argue us since they are narcissistic, they live in delusional world where they battle with the world.
If we shut up - we are giving them green light to abuse.
The perfect solution would be to reasonably argue stating the facts - but our trauma responses we carry since childhood will get activated, and our amygdala hijacking will hijack our reason away.
And we will be stuck with social anxiety trauma.
I see the only solution is to accept social anxiety.
It is a road of being vulnerable, knowing that people will label us with unfair nicknames and mock us. And still be fine with it - since instead of CBT approach of being friends with the whole world, where CBT states that toxic people do not exist and we should be assertive with pathological liars and manipulators -
it is a path which social anxiety is already presenting us: to cut contact with toxic people.
The only difference now is - when we know CPTSD is real - is that we push ourselves to be more active in life. That we do no blame ourselves for being civilized, that we do not feel embarrassed and ashamed for being different than society's standards of what means to be sociable.
When we take on society's messages that we must be "strong" - we will create personality disorder - since we label ourselves as "weak" since we do not fulfill narcissistic definition of what strong means: being loud, obnoxious, without empathy, greedy, unkind, rude.
I see total acceptance and self validation as we are, with all our "flaws" which society keeps on stigmatizing us with. And then find others instead of being isolated and ashamed for not meeting narcissistic society standards.
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YT "How To Be Charming If You Have Social Anxiety"
Social anxiety is not being in your head worrying. IT is real abuse, mobbing and narcissistic abuse.
IT is not paranoid. It is real abusive situation with difficult and toxic people around.
Why would be charming with toxic people? That is called Fawning. People pleasing and being pushover. People with social anxiety are already super agreeable which is the problem since it turns into Negative politeness.
If we decide to pathologize our ability to think more than most people who have lower IQ - we will create personality disorder , that is why self help crap like this is extremely detrimental and dangerous for psychological health.
It is not sickness if someone has higher IQ and has ability to process things deeply.
Imagine if Nikola Tesla lived in today's age - narcissistic psychopathic social media would label him as weirdo. Yet this man gave us electricity, radio, wi-fi. His ability to process life and think more than average Joe - is a gift, not curse.
Problem with social anxiety trauma is not fears and panic and normal reactions to abnormal people such as psychopaths and borderline narcissists like this video.
If we were the problem - we would feel fears all the time in all social situations - like walking in sunny day in nice quiet Alpine village. No fears there. Fears appear in toxic countries with high corruption, high crime, where bullies are not taken accountable and narcissism where it flourish.
If our reaction to abusive and sick people was problem - social anxiety would not be called social, it would be called Self-anxiety. It is called social+anxiety since there is toxic people out there who trigger our trauma and early abuse.
Why would be charming to toxic person? It is reasonable to cut contact with someone who is psychopath and behaves without emotions without empathy. Why would be try to get into their anal organs and appease them?
Only narcissists do this - they see other people as narcissistic supply.
Borderliners depend on other people to feel good about themselves. That is pathology. Other people cannot determine our life, what we like, what we see as value and worth. If we depend on other people to explain us what is correct in life, what is approved - we will develop trauma bonding and codependency.
Idea to be fake and be charming and with charisma to everybody - is psychopathy. Glib charm is the number one sign of a psychopath.
Horrible what kind of information is circulating in social media, detrimental and dangerous totally wrong and incompetent information.
---
YT "Social Anxiety Tip: Preparation"
"you don't have to comply with external, internal pressure"
This is true, but it is useless information.
IT is the same as to say to depressive person to smile and think positive. Like yeah ,everybody knows that.
With social anxiety trauma there is Amygdala Hijacking - due to CPTSD. This process is automatic, body takes over the emotions and whatever we do will be failure -
if we try to control it we will develop PureOCD and self blame since nothing we do will help.
If we do nothing - we will repeat learned self defense mechanisms from childhood when we were abused into trauma such as self blaming and catastrophizing.
Social anxiety is trauma being stuck inside our body.
Also it is reaction to traumatic, toxic, dangerous people in our midsts.
Both factors are outside of our control.
Instead of giving wrong tips which will not work in real life - but only add up to panic -
the correct approach is learning and educating oneself about Complex Trauma - how it works.
We will learn that emotional dysregulation pass on its own, we need to be patient.
Another thing is to learn how to Retort to toxic abusive people such as narcissists who caused our social anxiety trauma in the first place.
The final thing is to learn humanistic psychology approach: self validation and self acceptance - as we are, that we do not compare with narcissists and psychopaths around who use Glib charm to propel themselves in toxic society based on greed and accumulating money and superficial pleasure such as drugs.
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YT "Linking Shame & Social Anxiety"
You are like on superficial level of social anxiety.
Check out my link in About - I have reddit forum and extensive blogs about social anxiety.
Shame -
shame is not problem.
It is toxic shame that is problem.
Deep seated belief of being inept.
This kind of toxic shame did not fall out of heaven. This cancer of soul did not materialize out of nothing.
It came with evil people: narcissists and their psychological abuse: constant and relentless criticism in early age when our psyche was forming.
Can you see now that social anxiety is social+anxiety. It as it name suggests - stems from society,
It is not called self+anxiety.
Social anxiety is part of Complex Trauma ,which corrupt medical community does not recognize. WHO's ICD-11 recognized Complex PTSD (which is not the same thing as PTSD).
We are dealing here with victims of abuse, bullying, mobbing.
The problem is on the other side: narcissistic, borderline psychopathic society:
aggressive and abnormal people who pretend and mimic being healthy and spoil rotten apples around them just for being in contact with such sick pathological people - who use glib charm and pathological lying to get by in life.
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YT "Beating Social Anxiety: An AI's Guide to Starting Conversations"
😸hehe.
I would transform question that is in alignment with social anxiety.
It is not about having conversation. It is not about starting conversation. This is shyness.
The problem are toxic people. Someone who is rude and yet we need to converse with them.
Situations such as job, or living in poor dysfunctional country where everybody is cranky - and yet you need to be in contact with such toxic people like - buying stuff, asking for papers, service, help, directions. How to handle conversation with someone who needs to do their job and provide service which you will pay in the end anyway - and they are antagonistic, lazy and treat you like crap just because you exist.
That is social anxiety.
How to handle people with whom you must be in interaction and who hate you just for you being yourself?
This is similar to Blue Eye Brown Eye experiment:
"Brown-eyed people have more of that chemical in their eyes, so brown-eyed people are better than those with blue eyes," Jane Elliott said in 1969 when she tested grammar school kids - how being rude affects the stigmatized kids - just based on their color of their eyes.
The test showed that bullied kids stopped their academic skills - just for being exposed to rudeness.
Quote from wikipedia:
" As a result, whichever group was favored by Elliott performed enthusiastically in class, answered questions quickly and accurately, and performed better in tests; those who were discriminated against felt more downcast, were hesitant and uncertain in their answers, and performed poorly in tests."
(A Class Divided, Wikipedia)
So the socially anxious people seek answers how to handle toxic, unreasonable, rude people whom we must be in contact with due to task, job.
With social anxiety trauma, Complex PTSD (Which is not the same as PTSD) - we are programmed to handle someone rudeness as introjection - we soak up toxic shaming and turn it into self blame -
which will come on the surface as panic and amygdala hijacking - our cortex brain will switch off.
We will end up with catastrophizing and self pathologizing.
Feelings of social anxiety is not mental sickness, it is not illness of mind. Social anxiety is totally normal reaction to mentally ill people around us, narcissists, boderliners Cluster B monsters who will never ever seek therapy yet spread their mental illness around and infect healthy population.
Socially anxious are more prone to be hurt more - due to exposure to mentally ill people in childhood - when our brain was suppose to be learning about psychological security and emotional regulation we received the opposite.
That is why ACE test is the first pit stop for anyone with social anxiety - to check how much we do not have natural immunity against narcissists and psychopaths around us due to detrimental toxic exposure to abnormal people while we grew up.
This means that there is high chance that therapist and help we seek will not be helpful at all.
Most social anxiety information is based on CBT which is deeply flawed since corrupt medical industry is based on narcissism and psychopathy - such as Pharma mafia and making money on human neurosis.
---
YT "Social Anxiety Tip: Be Yourself"
You are mixing up shyness.
Paradox is that 90 percent of "social anxiety" videos are related to glib charm and charming other people - which is total nonsense since this is pure narcissism and psychopathy.
What you do not understand about social anxiety - is that social anxiety is trauma. It is complex PTSD (Which is not the same as PTSD).
This means the first pit stop for anyone with social anxiety symptoms is ACE test.
Of course we do not like ourselves -if our self was injured and stifled down in childhood, during major bullying event which caused us to hide and avoid and isolate.
There is no self worth. Instead of self acceptance and self validation and authentic self - there is toxic shame inside -
which was implanted by cluster B monsters who are causing social anxiety in their targets of abuse.
Cluster B monsters also do not have self worth. This is what they infect their targets with, like a virus. It is attack on self worth and consequently installing toxic shame.
With toxic shame inside us (deep seated belief we are inept wrong and faulty) - we will become codependent on someone who appears "strong".
This way narcissists have narcissistic supply - someone hooked up on abuse while psychopaths go through devaluation phase.
There is nothing sick in social anxiety. Social anxiety is reaction to abnormal mentally ill Cluster B monsters who walk around freely without therapy and they mimic being normal hence infecting healthy population around them with fear and panic.
Once good and kind people are hypnotized into silence and submission and self censorship - Cluster B psychopaths have all the resources and power to themselves as their abnormal mind compels them into creating abnormal society.
---
YT "Can internal family systems therapy heal social anxiety?"
What happens when bullying and shaming and abuse happens now?
How we handle when we are not safe in this moment?
Why we never get answer to these quesitons?
When we are stigmatized?
Hated for no valid reason?
When someone is pathological liar?
When someone is psychologically abusing us?
How we handle abuse and when we cannot leave and cut contact (due to finances, third party, service, immobility).
What then?
Panic and reaction to Cluster B monster is not pathology. There is nothing wrong with reacting to abnormal paranoid delusional psychopaths who mimic being normal.
---
YT "How To Overcome Social Anxiety"
"Loser" argument is Deficiency Motivation. This approach never works in real life.
Shyness is not the same as social anxiety.
Comfort zone argument does not work really - since Third world countries are not in comfort zone - and yet they never became organized and happy nations - in fact they wallow in crime, corruption and chaos. The difference is in what is toxic and what is healthy. Idea to leech and hook to someone toxic just for the sake of becoming "strong" leads to codependency and abnormal dynamics where psychopaths are enabled in their abnormality.
---
YT "Anxiety at Work? 10 Guides to Identify the Causes and Find Relief!"
Horrible information.
Please just stop, this clickbait video which regurgitate psychopathic (absolute lack of empathy) :unhelpful instant-self help vomit that can never work in real life situations, and so called "tips" are not helpful at all, in fact it makes things worse.
I would rather suggest for you to seek therapy since you are borderline and obviously stuck in Rescuer mode where you handle your abnormal mentally ill borderline issues by play-pretending in being "help" to people around you in form of giving crappy unsolicited advice which never work in real life so that you feel competent yourself, since deep down you were abused by similar borderlines into feeling worthless.
If unhealed, your abnormal toxic approach in life infect normal people around you with your mental illness.
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YT "Social Anxiety disorder| Social Phobia |SAD #socialanxietyproblems #sad #psychologynotes #psychology"
Social phobia was renamed in mid 1990s when "experts" discovered that this is not phobia.
Phobias are healed with repeated exposure.
What CBT corrupt borderline therapy does not understand due to psychopathy and narcissism in medical industry - is that exposure to toxic people is not sickness. It is normal authentic reaction to psychopaths, Cluster B monsters - narcissists who will never seek help for them mental ill mind and yet they mimic being normal by abusing and taking advantage of corrupt society of ableism which cannot differentiate between psychopaths and normal people.
---
YT "How I overcame Social Anxiety"
"What social anxiety looks like: Avoid social interactions, fear of being judged, nervous around others, over thinking, critical of self"
Wrong information.
Social anxiety can be functional. This is called Functional social anxiety. For example - Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety yet he performed in front of billions of people without any sign he is panicked and doubtful of himself or others.
"Over thinking"
I will just quote Aron:
Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about solutions, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering.
Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured.
The Highly Sensitive Person,
Elaine N. Aron
It is 1 minute 14 seconds into video and there is pathologizing, wrong and incorrect information about social anxiety and Deficiency motivation which never works in real life.
"They are going to think I am asking dumbest question"
Well, mighty grandeur healer, what happens when they are rude when we ask for something?
What then?
How we handle rude antagonistic people who have crucial information and service and we need to contact them and there are no alternatives? And they are rude to us? What then?
What happens when our "anxiety" is based on real true experience of someone being toxic and without empathy? Like your borderline, Rescuer video here.
"Once each fear is tackled"
In reality, our brain is 6 millions of years old. It is based on detecting fears. So the CBT idea that we list our fears and face them will result in catastrophe - since the brain will now invent more fears to be afraid of and to handle them. Our brain is based on Darwinism - detecting danger, predators and adapting to dangerous enviornment.
So your "advice" to list fears leads to PureOCD, hypervigilance. You are not helping here. You are making people to develop hysteria and more panic.
That is why people like you are doing more damage than good.
You never had social anxiety in the first place.
You had borderline, narcissistic issues where you Cluster b invent fears due to abuse in childhood and at some point you realize that you are fantasizing reality. Then you go to therapy and you become spokesmen for socially anxious and then CBT gets idea that social anxiety is being with loud mouth borderliners like you.
In reality, social anxiety is result of being abused and mishandled by over psychopaths and covert vulnerable narcissists like you, borderliners who pretent to be help only to feel good about yourself in the process, you parasite and use other people - usually normal kind empathic people to serve you as a project that you manipulate and control. Then you will explain scared and panicked people who were abused by people like you that they are fantasizing their fears.
While in reality- it is you,
You are sick.
"Comfort zone"
Here goes crap about comfort zone.
If comfort zone concept really works then third world countries would come out of their discomfort long time ago - they would not be corrupt crime ridden banana republics soaked in cocaine and mafia. Prisons would be factory of scientists and inventors. Slum parts of the cities would heal magically themselves since they wallow in discomfort.
What borderliners and narcissists like you do not understand since you are egocentric and live in a made up fantasy world - that the difference is in something that is healthy and something that is sick and abnormal.
3:18 "It is imporant to acknowledge that every fear os based on irrational reasoning"
What the hell are you talking about?
Someone being abused is hallucinating their abuse?
It is victims choice to be abused?
Femicide statistics is hallucination?
Johnny Depp sued himself and almost destroyed his carrer - it was not Amber's fault?
Or - Do you have some magical abilities to know what are people are afraid of?
3:34 "Look how they ignored me. There could be several reasons why they ignored you"
ok.
So what happens when that person is abnormal bordeliner who lives in her magical fantasy made up reality solipstic world? What happens when this person is abusive and pathological liar, manipulative? What is person has NPD and loves to create drama and chaos and hurt other people?
What then Einstein?
Do you have answer to this scenario?
4:06 "Don't assume their behaviour reflect how they feel about you"
Please just stop.
You are giving extremely detrimental information here which may seriously harm victims of abuse who actually listen to CBT crap like this.
Please just stop, you are not helping anyone, you are making things worse.
A lot worse.
4:14 "Avoid social event for embarrassement, face your anxiety"
Ok, so what happens when someone is violent, dangerous, aggressive, pathological liar? Do you have answer what happens then?
5:14 "You are letting your fears take over"
Now you are blaming victims of abuse, mobbing and bullying that they are guilt for being abused.
Horrendous, Nurse Ratched.
Borderline, you are borderline, you have serious mental issues.
Absolute lack of true empathy, and inability to process reality and real life situations - this is borderline on psychosis and schizofrenia. Please seek mental health therapy for yourself.
You are under psychosis.
5:57 "Most people don't consider taking class in speaking"
Now you are pathologizing highly empathic sensitive people who have no egocentrism and hence have excellent social skill as non existent.
Can you see how horrible person you are?
You are living example of covert narcissist.
7:44 "Confident, improve your appearance"
Obviously you are narcissist and borderline. You are obsessed by other people as you see other people as narcissistic supply to leech and parasite on.
In reality confidence is paradox. If we seek it we will over-compensate.
If we accept ourselves as we are - we will be confident.
8:50 "Person who you are becoming"
Narcissist. You have imaginary fantasy image of self since deep down you hate your self worth - and you spread this mentally ill mindset onto others. You simply learned to be covert narcissist to cover up serious mental illness and then spread abnormality onto others.
"The desire for self development stems from "narcissistic" desires, a tendency to self-aggrandizement and superiority over others."
Sigmund Freud
10:35 "Eliminate arguing or presenting a different perspective"
You are abnormal.
You are trying to teach abused victims of abuse to fawn, people please and to shut up and self censor themselves and hence allow abuse to continue.
10:46 "It is not about being right, it is about cultivating new relationships"
Borderline. You are borderline. You see other people are mechanism to regulate your emotions. Absolutely sick. Please seek help, you are twisted, your thoughts are borderline with schizofrenia, you live in autistic invented magical fantasy world.
You will make your life miserable and people around you who have to endure you and absolute lack of empathy.
---
HE is talking about Cluster B psychopaths. They mimic social anxiety and label their psychopathy as social anxiety since it looks better than being labeled as schizophrenia and psychosis.
Narcissists like to be in forefront.
Truly Socially anxious are victims of such abusers and they have no desire to be grandeur since they are not mentally ill.
---
Fear of strangers is not social anxiety.
Social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluations - it can come from known people, not only strangers.
Incorrect information is equal to detrimental information.
---
YT "How to be DONE with social anxiety, forever."
Social anxiety occurs when we do not have fun. So you can't relax into abuse.
Social anxiety happens when there is abuse, mobbing, bullying, cover or overt.
Social anxiety is not self pathology, it is not our problem, then it would be called self anxiety.
Problem are manipulative, controlling, abusive, psychopathic, narcissistic, aggressive people with whom we must be in contact (due to job, service, help, asking, information). That is why social anxiety is called social. Problem is in the social.
Not in our reaction to abnormal mentally ill people around us who are hysterical and dangerous.
---
Affirmations never helped me.
Denying reality - if someone is abusive, antagonistic and aggressive - it is unreasonable to say to myself that aggressive person is not focused on abusing me.
---
YT "How to Overcome Social Anxiety in 2023"
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety yet he performed in front of billions of people without trouble.
That is called Functional Social anxiety. Social anxiety can be functional.
Social anxiety is part of Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD).
Trauma being stuck inside body is not pathology, it is injury of being exposed to mentally ill people like narcissists, borderliners, psychopaths, Cluster B monsters.
Deficiency motivation never work in real life.
"It's just a feeling, it is all in your head" "Nobody actually cares what you doing"
Then you end up with Amber who poops in your bed and sues your career into oblivion, making you poor.
There are predators out there, there are mentally ill people out there who are focused a lot on harming, hurting and exploiting other people. If you deny this, you will fawn to them and you will be their slave.
---
YT "The Social Anxiety Solution: The Proven Workbook for an Introvert to Cure... | Audiobook Sample"
Social anxiety and social anxiety disorder are not the same thing.
Equating these two leads to self pathologizing, self blame and making yourself to believe you have mental illness.
That is why self help is crap and detrimental, the same insane thing as CBT.
Social anxiety has no solution. It is like having solution to having reaction to untreated mentally ill aggressive people. Would it be normal not to feel fear if someone is attacking you with knife or gun?
It would be normal to feel fear and panic.
The same applies to dealing with Cluster B monsters: antagonistic, untreated mentally ill people who are rude, aggressive, hysterical.
It is totally normal to feel social anxiety when in the presence of such sick mentally ill people.
It would be abnormal to self pathologize our panic reactions and label them as sissy or unmanly. That is self-abuse.
Social anxiety is part of Complex PTSD (Which is not the same as PTSD).
It is about emotional regulation and education why trauma occurred and what is trauma.
Half baked self help crap like this video make things worse with inaccurate and wrong data which is based on incompetence and mental illness of person who is vomiting this self-help borderline crap.
---
YT "How I overcame social anxiety"
"social anxiety is fear of being social, conversing, having eye contact"
Nope.
Social anxiety, clinical definition is fear of criticism and negative evaluation. Big difference.
What you describe is shyness. Social anxiety is being target of abuse, bullying and mobbing.
If you equate fears and panic of someone who is attacked with mere shyness - you will convince yourself you have emotional issues which are not the same for someone who was attacked and beaten up, someone who endured psychological abuse.
This googling your symptoms is extremely dangerous, you can convince yourself you have issues which you do not have at all and applying medicine which is detrimental to someone who was not abused.
Basically you can convince yourself into state of paranoia and hysteria,
I would suggest always checking with medical professional rather than relying your life into random google search box results.
"Socializing is skill"
Nope.
Socializing is empathy - ability to overcome egocentrism - not being stuck in own fantasy invented world but to realize other people have their own issues and problems which we cannot see nor understand.
Empaths, sensitive ones, HSPs, victims of abuse - in short, true socially anxious people already posses this skill to see beyond egocentrism.
This is where your explanations and definitions do damage to truly socially anxious ones.
Now you are telling people who have superior social skills that they are pathological and that they do not have social skills.
While in reality they have far superior social skills which other people pay hefty money sums to learn and understand.
You are basically doing damage to socially anxious people because you are egocentric:
you made yourself believe that your shyness is social anxiety,
and now you try to brainwash truly socially anxious people into your "cure" by Deficiency motivation and proving wrong and incorrect statements about socializing.
Yet, to absolve you from guilt, you said in description of this video:
"DISCLAIMER: I am not a psychologist or a doctor all things said in this video should not be taken as professional advice, I am just sharing my experiences and opinions"
"Expose yourself"
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD). This means trauma is being stuck inside the body - trauma from psychological abuse, bullying, mobbing - it is all stuck inside the body, out of control.
So exposing this trauma to new trauma will not help at all.
In fact, it will add to new trauma.
Exposing will help only to shy people. Since shy people were not abused - they do not have triggers from past abuse to influence their emotion and regulation. Exposing as concept definitely will Not to truly socially anxious people.
"When you are socially anxious you are self conscious"
Nope.
Socially anxious people were abused. This means they are extremely conscious of other people, how other people look at them, how they react, their non verbal behaviour, it is all zoomed into, like with microscope to other people looking for any potential sign of abuse.
"It will pass"
Abuse will never pass. Abuse is not in our control. Rude people whom we must contact due to job, task, money, service ,help without alternatives - their abuse will not pass by repetition. In fact abusive people will be more and more abusive.
The true problem with social anxiety are Cluster B monsters: narcissists, borderliners, psychopaths who are abusing other people.
Idea that we self pathologize ourselves while in the same time we ignore abusers - is an act of enabling the abuse.
---
YT "How To OVERCOME Social Anxiety & Shyness"
Social anxiety stems from trauma, being exposed to abuse, mobbing, bullying.
Social anxiety can be functional. Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety yet performed in front of billions of people without trouble. Yet he suffered from deep social anxiety trauma in private life.
So exposure, talking yacking around will not help.
Problem is not with person. It is not called self+anxiety. It is called social anxiety since it is social - problem is in the social, in difficult toxic people whom we must be in contact with and whom we cannot cut contact with. Exposure to someone antagonistic, someone who is pathological liar, abusive, will not help at all - such mentally ill people who mimic being normal - will infect us with their abuse , we will highly have after-effects of psychological abuse.
You cannot expose yourself to psychological abuse to heal effects of dealing with someone who is mentally ill.
That would be the same logic as if exposing to Chernobyl and hoping in radioactive area will somehow magically make you strong enough to survive toxic radiation poisoning.
You will not get better at dealing and handling mentally ill people Cluster B monsters.
---
YT "It Is Natural to Feel Anxious #anxiety #shorts"
What happens when we are in toxic ambient?
Is toxic ambient abnormal? If so, what can we do about it? Is is ethical to change-manipulate-control other people? What happens when abusers change-manipulate-control us through gaslighting, psychological abuse and pathological lying?
These questions are never answered nor pondered by self help CBT crap.
---
A lot of young men in Western culture are conditioned to be "alpha" and "strong" to cover up their vulnerabilities and insecurities which are seen as sissy and god forbid gay.
That paranoid fear in turn is root of narcissism and developing Cluster B issues, society is deeply sick, producing Trumps and Putins, hence crime and violence and wars - proving who has bigger genitalia.
That is why we need more psychology and philosophy to general public.
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YT "Robert Greene Explains How To Overcome Social Anxiety #shorts #robertgreene"
Flip the script.
But what happens when other person is pathological liar, narcissists, borderline - in short mentally ill.
It would not be beneficial to enter their spirit.
Sure, we can cut contact -
but what happens when we can't cut contact and when we cannot leave - such as job, family situations, help, service, immobility.
Socially anxious seek answer to this and medical community does not offer any solution to true social anxious issues - how to handle and manage difficult, antagonistic people whom we can't escape from but be forced to be in interaction with those mentally ill people?
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YT "The Levels to my Social Anxiety II Eps: 02"
We are comfortable with people who are not threatening. People who are critical, people who nitpick our mistakes and flaws, people who are rude without us triggering them into temper tantrums - that is social anxiety and avoidance issue.
I would externalize our feelings as reactions to difficult and rude people.
I would be laser sharp in our ability to detect we do not feel psychological safety around someone who is intrusive.
CBT, toxic borderline narcissistic society will explain us that we are hallucinating threats.
Trauma will make us being super able to detect toxic people - we will sniff out fake people miles away. And these toxic people will trigger our social anxiety panic symptoms.
This is totally normal reaction to abnormal people.
I would stay clear from self pathologizing or trying to convince ourselves that we are over-sensitive.
Stifling down emotions leads to mental illness.
Stifling down our character, persona leads to personality disorder.
I see avoidant personality disorder as direct result of believing corrupt borderline techniques in CBT, brainwashing us with belief we are sick for experiencing trauma and reacting to anything similar to original Complex trauma.
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YT "How To Deal With Toxic People I Robert Greene"
They colonize your mind, as Sam Vaknin said in Narcissistic madness video. You will not be aware of this process. They train, condition, program people around them to mental illness.
---
I would say anyone dealing with toxic people to take ACE test - and see if you have immunity against toxic people.
Chances are when we grow up in toxic ambient with untreated mentally ill people around us - we will have no natural ability to deflect and deal with mentally ill people as adults.
Instead we will fawn and develop social anxiety and trauma bonding - and worst of it all - we will attract toxic people like moth to a flame.
Chances are with high ACE score - we won't have ability to detach ourselves, since our whole persona is immersed and enmashed to pleasing toxic people, as we were conditioned while growing up when we were exposed to constant relentless criticism around anything we done and psychological abuse.
Instead of detachment - we developed depersonalization.
Where it seems like detachment - we appear pleasant, good, regulated, happy, chirpy, we shut up and self censor ourselves out side - and inside we have emotional chaos and self abuse - as we learned and conditioned to do this as kids. We end up with suicidal idealizations - complex trauma must be recognized here in order to understand what is happening.
Until we start validating ourselves - building up natural immunity against toxic people - they will harm us.
---
(31.1.2023)
YT "What If Your Worth Was Freely Available To You?"
It is struggle when something happens which is similar to original trauma: usually it is rude, nervous, aggressive person who is pointing out my supposed mistakes, imperfections, flaws and make a fuss about it. I automatically feel toxic shame, that I am unworthy and then I spiral into thinking that I am suppose to put them to place but physical symptoms arise, panic attack and I usually freeze and try not to rock the boat.
Then apart from uncomfortable panic symptoms mixed with deep shame of being embarrassed, I am also stuck in dualism, double bind thinking - if I want to be better person and base worth on myself, then it means that someone being rude is not important - yet if I do not warn and alarm this person - they will bully me again and again. And if I say something - the other person is probably antagonistic and lives in own fantasy world of dominance and battles where any argument is useless with them.
I am confused what is my value here. For decades of being pushover and people pleaser I know it is wrong to take false accusations without reacting to them, if someone lies and if someone is unfair, shutting up is bad option since then I believe myself to be weak and passive and easy to manipulate and control.
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YT "Your Reactions Are Pointing You To What You Need"
I definitely see my voice tries to tell me to stand up for myself, to state facts and defend myself in calm manner without hysteria and drama when someone is unfair and unreasonable -
but my trauma symptoms kick in - heart beat, catastrophe thoughts and then I freeze, my body both wants to put boundary and in the same time extremely scared of doing that for the fear of punishment. I understand this is CPTSD & social anxiety (since I feel like this only in social situations when someone is rude and aggressive, intrusive and unfair).
I do have past experiences both in childhood and as adult that I experienced punishment - verbal abuse if I would ask for something. Then I solved this by isolation and keeping quiet - but panic is definite message that this resolution to be passive - is wrong.
I never looked at my panic symptoms as reaction to what I need. Instead, I explained myself my own panic reactions as being unmanly, stupid, weak, abnormal, embarrassing, weird etc
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YT "Your unmet needs are talking through your reactions"
Yep, when I was seeking answers for social anxiety - industry self help books and therapy explained that there is something wrong inside me, that I must fight fears, list them, that there is something to fix inside me - and I would end up being victim that self pathologize. I was not explained that there is nothing pathological inside me and that reactions are unmet needs. I never observed to reactions like that, and it makes sense.
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YT "Your Emotional Walls Are Not The Problem"
My wall is related to social anxiety. The biggest fear is being faced with someone unreasonable, unregulated, hysterical and this fear of being faced with someone aggressive and intrusive is my wall, this blocks me from exploring and doing more in life. I isolate and minimize contacts.
These people are what I repeatedly experienced in my life in different settings, different situations - rude people, narcissistic, difficult, stubborn, shaming, discriminative, angry and moody all the time, over-reacting - I encountered these people over and over again where eventually I don't have deep trust in other people anymore.
---
YT "Niceness Is Costing You Your Peace"
What I observed in my experiences, panic would build up and prevent me from speaking up. And of course, usually the other person is manipulative and their "arguments" would shut me up since somehow I would be problem - they target our unintentional or everyday mistakes, flaws and lack of information, where I must be perfect and spend a lot of time to be good enough, excellent at skills and spend tons of money and time on learning something in order to defend myself.
As if I must pass certain tests and then I have a badge of arguments to ask for respect and decency from hysterical people who have no shame of holdback issues in putting other people down.
I understand that it is about being honest and authentic and stating facts and elephant in the room - but when incident happens - 1) I am always swept from my feet since I am not prepared. My everyday state of mind is being amicable and open to anyone. So when someone starts accusing me of something unfair I am stuck in being nice 2) When I come to my senses that the other person is intrusive and unfair - I get huge panic trauma response inside which makes me thinking difficult or expressing myself. I am afraid of becoming Karen at that moment - since all the good arguments - I actually come up with what I was suppose to say afterwards, when I calm myself down.
3) For years I did not know that this is not my fault and there is nothing wrong with me for feeling panic when someone is rude and intrusive. For years, my whole life I would self pathologize myself and this is now default thinking. I always think I am guilty one - even though later on I realize it was not my fault at all. But in the moment when someone is intrusive - I blame myself and get stuck in toxic shame.
Until 2, 3 years ago, until I discovered that CPTSD exists - nobody put it in the way you are talking Marshall. I was not explained what was happening in validating way, this is new information for me.
What I see as a problem is living in toxic ambient where there is a culture of shame, and when people in general are intrusive and rude, which makes meeting needs difficult since you depend on such people for service, information, help, job, tasks, resources - and any disagreement with them put in jeopardy what I seek.
It could be simple as buying something and person is yelling and screaming at you for bothering them - and you have no alternative to purchase this from someone else.
One example that when I was buying satellite receiver 23 years ago. There was only one shop that sold particular DVB model that was new at the time. And person who was selling it was yelling and screaming, arguing and trying to sell me motor along with it which I did not need nor had money to buy. And there are countless examples like that - where when I needed something I had to be prepared that person I was asking for something would be highly emotionally dysregulated - and being nice to them would help to get things done. I went through this same routine on my ex job.
Being nice was a way to get things done. I never risked drama so that I would find solution and resolutions.
That is how predators get by in life - they are somewhere in some kind of authority and then they exploit nice people - where nice people do not have alternatives to seek same task as some other place.
---
(1.2.2023)
YT "How to Regulate Your Nervous System #somatictherapy #polyvagaltheory"
I was very critical to this channel for past 12 months due to over-reliance to faulty and detrimental CBT (CBT is wrong approach for anyone with social anxiety symptoms).
This is the correct path, it is right direction.
Polyvagal theory is not recognized by official medical industry, since CPTSD is not either (although it is recognized by WHO's ICD-11).
Trauma is trapped inside our body - so apart from handling our thoughts, it is the body where trauma is stored. It is not behaviour, as CBT claims. It is non-intuitive, how body can store trauma, but it makes sense since brain is organ and nervous system is made up of body parts. It is logical then that bad experiences are stored somewhere in the body.
With trauma we think we must be strong, that we must fight and we think our trauma responses are wrong and stupid and proof we are inept. Then we get idea that we must fix ourselves - which only deepens trauma and toxic shame.
In reality - polyvagal explains what our goals need to be to get back to our healthy state. It is being social.
Anxiety is not disorder - it is trauma, conditioning of being in toxic ambient.
4:19 "Sometimes anxiety isn't disorder, it's just a message that something needs to change. Woman who had been diagnosed with a half -dozen disorders over 25 years - anxiety, depression, psychosis, bi-polar, panic disorder, BPD. And when she finally left her abusive husband, most symptoms went away. Problem was not a mental disorder, it was situation."
Yes!
That was my critical words were about. That what I was trying to say in somewhat rude manner, due to anger how this is not recognized by CBT.
This information will help to a lot of people who tried everything.
I would suggest anyone struggling with emotions to take ACE test - if we were exposed to narc abuse in childhood (constant criticism) there are high chances we have low immunity to difficult people and struggle how to cope with emotions which toxic people trigger around.
---
YT "Why People-pleasers Can't Think Straight (Self-states, Constructs, Introjects)"
People pleasing is explanation of social anxiety.
I see the Self as the problem here.
If someone was ashamed into Toxic shame - self would not exists. Self would depend on pleasing and bonding with other people - and since there are millions of people with different needs, this will cause social anxiety trauma - and without true Self inside, without self worth - it is impossible to set boundaries or to think in terms of Self.
The solution is Humanistic psychology - to develop validation, self acceptance, self worth, intrinsic locus of control, in order to develop healthy Self state which is not depended on other people's explanations nor demands.
---
(2.2.2023)
YT "Stop Leaving Your Comfort Zone"
If comfort zone really works then third world countries would be wealthy and organized like Scandinavia - since they wallow in crime, poverty, chaos, corruption all the time. The discomfort would propel the system into order - but this does not happen.
Another example is prison - being in punishment, isolation, surrounded by criminals it is highly outside of comfort zone yet nobody leaves prison being a scientist, innovator, mathematician, physician, brain surgeon or rocket scientist. It is the opposite that is the case.
Or third example are slum parts of American (north and south continent) cities. Drug users and criminals do not become peaceful, do not clean the streets, they do not stop using drugs, resorting to violence and crime - it is the gutter and it does not become better.
The problem is not comfort zone - it is what is healthy and what is toxic.
Discomfort and exposure is often prescribed by faulty CBT for social anxiety while in reality social anxiety is Complex Trauma and any exposure means re-traumatization, it does not help anxiety go away, since the problem is in toxic people, not inside someone who was target of abuse and bullying and mobbing.
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6.2.2023
YT "Narcissistic Abuse & Social Anxiety - My Story #narcissisticabuserecoverycoach #coachtraining"
From my experience CBT (which is all industry self help books, online resources such as wikipedia wikihow or official web pages from medical industry as mayo-clinic) - did not help me at all. In fact it made things worse since I was instructed to self blame myself and make myself believe I am having hallucinations when people were rude, manipulative, intrusive and abusive. CBT claims we can change externals such as people and their behaviour with our thinking and that our thoughts are producing wrong explanations ?! I tried for years to control my thoughts and then left with PureOCD issues and intrusive thoughts and more panic - since I was unable to make boundaries - since CBT explained that I am not in danger and that toxic people do not exist.
I would not reply nor alarm when someone would accuse me of things I did not do.
Or to another extreme - I would engage in what CBT calls "being assertive" - which with psychopaths and narcissists is throwing oil into the fire since I ended up voluntarily giving private and intimate information to toxic people who are pathological liars, manipulators and who used information given to them as tool to abuse later on. Antagonistic people love conflict, drama and they invent issues since they are sick in the head - and CBT tell us that we stay stuck in Karpman Drama Triangle by being assertive to them, trying to find solution to toxic people who are determined to obfuscate and keep drama & problems ongoing. I ended up with hypervigilance since CBT said my mind is sick and that I am over-reacting, that I am over-sensitive, that I must become de-sensitized - while in reality I was stuck with this "advice" in endless re-traumatization.
---
"But whats our fault ? Why all this happened to us only ?? Why not others"
Other people were not criticized all the time in childhood when our psyche is forming and when our persona is being developed.
This way, "normal" people have automatic regulation system inside them, their emotions do not spiral up, nor pushed down, they do not have triggers, flashbacks. Since they developed self worth in critical ages when we experienced bullying and toxic shame - they were more active in teen years and early adolescence where they gathered knowledge and tools how to express their ideas. They probably made successful merging into conformism and groupthink where untreated mentally ill people did not mocked them nor picked them up due to not having anything that stands off from ableism, cultural norm - like being shy and not talkative or how they dress, and how easily they alarm and alert someone who is intrusive.
We on the other hand were trained like Pavlovian dogs to have our body going to alarm in any case of someone being slightly rude, critical or angry - since this is what our psyche and body learned in ACE experiences when we were psychologically abused.
So this happens to all people - they do experience social anxiety - but their mind has immunity to shift focus into health immediately - while we are walking wounded, with open wounds and react to slightest wind or elements touching our exposed wounds which cannot heal - since society itself explain us that we are abnormal for having wounds which were inflicted upon us.
---
YT "The #1 SOCIAL ANXIETY HACK: Become Socially Invincible"
In toxic ambient when we are improvising and talking and being at ease - toxic people ashame us eventually and we get triggered into stifling and self censorship.
How to handle criticism, intrusive people - and at the core why we have social anxiety issues: psychopaths and narcissists and borderliners. They nitpick our mistakes, flaws and they are rude, aggressive. Exposure to someone who is abusive in situation where we cannot leave them such as job situations or when we ask for help and when we need some service/papers/articles/goals and get abuse in return -
being at ease and open and talking with such people ends up with being taken advantage of.
Anything we do will be wrong.
If we ignore them and play cool - they interpret this as green light to continue abuse.
If we confront them - it will be difficult due to panic symptoms and amnesia due to amygdala hijacking.
Confrontation may end up as fight response - screaming and yelling where our losing control will be interpreted by society as us being abusers and abnormal ones.
If we try to control our thoughts and meditate and deep breaths - it will turn against us and become more panicked since now brain labels these people and situation as dangerous - which the next time will become agoraphobia object, something to avoid and be afraid of.
There are psychopaths out there who are making damage to other people and society normalized their abuse - since etiquette is perceived as controlling and conformism and groupthink.
I believe social inhibitions and fears stem from trauma. Anyone with social inhibitions is product of being exposed to relentless criticism while we were growing up - and we are not aware of it, we have been explained that our results of bullying and mobbing is sickness - and we end up self pathologizing our mindset and our natural reactions to abnormal people.
I see trauma as reacting to anything similar to original wound. The point is that with healing trauma we don't react with intrusive thoughts, self blame nor avoidance from life. That angry, rude people are not our primary concern in life anymore and our focus is our own goals, ideas.
I do not see that without recognizing toxic ambient and toxic people as something to let go, avoid, cut contact - we won't make any progress if we stay in toxic environment, if we do not recognize external factor. Our bodies are reacting to external factor: abusive and intrusive people and we were conditioned to be ashamed for reacting to abnormal people and automatically blame ourselves for being in such situation where someone is abnormal.
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YT "The #1 CONFIDENCE HACK: Become Socially Invincible"
"No one cares"
No one cares about our wellbeing, our life, our emotions, our needs. But predators care to exploit us, put us down and abuse us. That is the difference. Psychopaths care to exploit others or care enough for feeling superior by putting other people down.
"They forget, they don't care you are NPC."
And I am fine with that. I have no problem is there is no contact and if I have no relationship or any kind of contact with someone who is toxic. I have no issues if they take themselves out and leave forever - but this does not happen.
Antagonistic people are rude, intrusive - and I am talking about situation when we need something from them and when we have no alternatives to go away and seek someone else. These situations are problem in life.
We need jobs and rude people come along uninvited.
Toxic people do not care about our life, how we will meet our needs and yet they treat us like garbage.
I am talking about someone superior to us, who is overlooking our mistakes, flaws, lack of knowledge, where they demand perfection from us and make drama when we are not perfect and when we do not know something and when we make mistakes. Their reactions are painful to endure and experience since they make our mistakes as murder, as if we are abusers who are wrong and must be punished and ashamed for mistakes.
"If no one cares and if I just do it for me what would I be"
But what happens when someone ashame us how we look, how we talk, what we do, what we do not do, when they accuse us of being lazy, neglectful, stupid, weird, mistaken - when they are psychologically abusing us, when they are pathological liars and present us with wrong and twisted information presented as truth and we have no way to fact check their presentation, then this is problem.
"Next, no one cares"
But what happens when we are unable to steer our wheel and drive ourselves away and we are stuck with someone who is critical all the time, intrusive and shaming us, put us down about every little thing we do or don't do? And when we are unable to walk away yet we are stuck to listen to them. I am talking about mobbing and abuse and bullying in situations when we cannot leave - and where any reaction will be wrong. Shutting up and ignoring will leave space for abuse to continue and intensify.
Fight response we will be accused of being abusive.
Talking and giving information - will be used as further supply of relentless ongoing criticism.
"Stop being narcissistic, stop thinking world revolves around you"
But what happens when we are in company of someone who is narcissistic and abusing us - and we cannot leave? What then? Then they make us center of attention especially in group when we are target of their shaming, mocking and abuse. What happens when we cannot walk out and just leave but we must endure the abuse - as I said where any kind of our reaction will be wrong. What then?
"Everyone will forget you"
Yet predators will not forget to treat anyone like trash, especially someone who is kind and nice and not antagonistic, or especially to those who respond in fight response - since this is their resource of endless drama, conflict, screaming and yelling which gives them sense of superiority. What happens when we are in situation where we cannot escape this and when we are forced to be in such toxic environment.
"Realize no one can approve of disapprove you because they don't know you"
Yet problem are predators who use coercive control, who are pathological liars and who use dualism and double binding to put us down for them to feel superior - what can we do when we are in this toxic contact and when we cannot leave since we depend on this person for information, money, data, service?
"No one knows you"
Yep, that is the problem, predators do not want to know, they just throw accusations and nitpick our mistakes, flaws, lack of knowledge and present it as catastrophe, they distort reality and accuse us of being wrong. What happens when we have trauma and our amygdala hijacking forbid us to defend ourselves and we cannot leave due to our goals such as not being homeless where we need job when we cannot change jobs, when we are immobile and poor. What happens when someone who is unable to have empathy is attacking us and nitpick us about any small irrelevant detail and present it as end of the world through screaming, yelling, hysteria, drama - and when we cannot leave nor have authority to shut them up - and this repeats daily.
"Who's opinion matters"
It is not about opinion. It is about their pathological lying, false accusations, double binding dualism where anyone can present their negative truth from their angle and always leave us in wrong without ability to defend ourselves.
Trauma factor is being exposed to someone aggressive leave us emotionally dysregulated - which can last for days. And when we google this panic, online medical industry will explain us that we are hallucinating the abuse and that toxic people do not exist. Now we will explain and define our reactions to abnormal people as we are abnormal and crazy.
"You have final say"
This is not true. We can get fired from job, without money, without shelter - so socio-economic factor states our yes is not final. When we stand up to someone abusive and toxic at job - chances are we will get fired rather than psychopaths being hold accountable for abnormal behaviour.
You are keep ignoring external factor - toxic people in place of some kind of authority where we depend on such psychopaths.
I do believe in your basic message to build self worth - yet trauma and external factor will not help when we allow ourselves to be natural.
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""True confidence is I don't seek my self-worth in others, but I am still aware of it. So I can still recieve feedback and adjust, without it affecting who I am." - I like this a lot."
"I can still recieve feedback and adjust"
What happens when
1) this feedback is masked as good advice but in reality it is pathological lying and hidden agenda behind it - and we have no chance to doubt it nor to check it?
2) when this feedback is actually relentless criticism from someone who is mimicking being normal outside but they are abnormal inside and have pathological tendencies - and once again - we are not aware of it nor we can check it so
3) we are stuck with this tainted "feedback" and we cannot leave.
What happens in reality this feedback is actually psychological and emotional abuse,
and
What happens is exposure to psychological abuse will have effect on our mental state.
The idea that we love ourselves and have self worth and not depend on someone's opinion - will not help with after-effect of being exposed to narcissistic abuse.
Long term exposure to narcissistic abuse causes brain injury - google it.
We cannot wish this injury to go away, we cannot de-sensitize ourselves from this injury - this injury will happen just for being exposed to it over long period of time.
It is like being in Chernobyl - we won't develop anti-radiation in our body, staying in toxic place will destroy our body instead of wishful thinking that somehow we will become strong and resilient by staying with toxicity.
Self worth is not magical sword, it is basis for action and goals and innovation - but our egocentrism and veil over reality is not proper tool for handling social life and volition of other people. We need another tool instead of self worth and just simply being ourselves.
We need education - that we recognize external factor, like virus attacking our cells - if we do not have idea that virus exists it will eat us alive from inside. The same as for toxic people.
Red flags to cut off toxic people immediately when we are able to walk away.
Self worth is not being open and friendly and being without boundaries and inviting all people in - self worth is not being cool and super confident.
Social engagement is self worth - but this does not mean negative politeness and agreeableness with anyone.
When we are stuck with toxic people and we cannot leave - there is no immediate solution.
it simply means we are in losing game as long as we stay in toxicity. Then our next tool would be plan and projects - how to relocate - earn money and leave as life project.
Idea to self pathologize ourselves for not feeling confident in times when we are inside toxic ambient is wrong, it is self abuse.
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"I stopped caring what people thought a long time ago and now I focus on the perception I have of myself and as long as I love me and I'm having fun and not hurting anyone else along the way, I'm happy."
Isolation and building walls is as much as dysfunctional as being people pleaser and pushover and trying to appease other people. It simply are two extremes of the same issue - being stuck in toxic ambient outside of our control.
People pleasing and being agreeable is not sickness, it is not pathology. It becomes pathology and sickness when the toxic person is exploiting us and interacting with us with their hidden agenda - then caring what other people think becomes tool to abuse us through guilt and shame.
We need caring what other people think - with normal people. Without this ability we will become psychopaths, monsters, we need to form contact with other people through interdependence. If we isolate ourselves we will develop serious psychological issues such as paranoia and delusions. If we choose Fight response for dealing with people - we will scare good and nice people and be stuck with damaged people.
We cannot form friendships nor intimate relationships if we are frozen and afraid of being vulnerable, without taking care of others and without caring what other person thinks.
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"People don't remember what you do or say, they remember how you make them feel."
You are over-generalizing here.
There are toxic people, psychopaths, narcissists, borderliners who are sick in the head and egocentric , Cluster B monsters who live trapped in their paranoia and delusions which appear as reality to them. They remember what they invent.
You talk as if normal and healthy people think the same way as abusers.
---
"Dude. You literally lose consciousness?"
This is temporary amnesia.
Amnesia happens due to amygdala hijacking. Cortex part of brain (our thinking, ideas) get shut off when we are triggered into panic & fear and our amygdala takes over our brain.
Think of it like being in Safe mode of Windows 98. Only basic drivers and basic software will run - the complex programs applications and multicolor graphics will not work since there is only basic system available for diagnostics only.
This is also called emotional dysregulation.
This is also called Dissociation - where we suppress our anger crucial to ward off toxic people who causes our panic in the first place, leaving us with basic kindness, being super nice (fawning trauma response) and being unable to say no (freezing or agoraphobia fleeing and avoiding life).
Then society will ashame us for being "weird" and we will develop toxic shame on top of this dysregulation - which means more amnesia.
Later, when system gets stabilized - memory will return and suddenly we will have ability to know what we ought to say and what words we had to say or what we should have done - and then we will self pathologize ourselves for not remembering these ,without information about amygdala hijacking and trauma which triggers us into amnesia - and this means more of panic and amnesia due to this self pathologizing, self abuse.
To make it even more worse - we will google our symptoms - and official medical industry will add up to toxic shaming and self pathologizing since CBT will explain that we are hallucinating our panic and fears and that toxic people do not exist. Since CBT does not recognize complex trauma (which is different from PTSD) - CBT will focus on our "lack of self worth" as our problem - and then we will end up with more shame and self abuse for not being "assertive" in life. Or You tube videos about social anixety will explain that we must be strong - which again only adds up to self pathology and toxic shame -
since being strong is not problem at all.
Problem are toxic people and their psychological abuse and society which normalized such abuse.
Long term exposure to narcissistic abuse causes brain injury - it literally created wounds in our brain - and society instructs us to be "Strong" - adding up more narcissistic abuse gasligting.
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"but I’m trying to get my mind right and confidence up"
This trying to fix your mind is the problem itself.
Attempts to over-compensate confidence is problem itself. Over-confidence is overcompensation. It leads to being fake and more insecure.
Confidence is paradox - when you try to get it - you will never reach it. When you accept yourself not being confident - paradoxically you will become confident.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD). We were psychologically abused in our early years when our psyche was forming - and now we are walking wounded. There is nothing wrong with our minds, we are traumatized. Problem lies in external: toxic people they re sick ones - not we.
---
Not taking anything personal is a sign of psychopathy.
Idea of trauma splitting and bi-polar thinking is not healthy.
We live in fuzzy logic, not Aristotelian logic of ones and zeros, black and white world.
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YT "6 Things Your Therapist May Not Be Telling You About Social Anxiety"
CBT not telling:
- Social anxiety is Complex Trauma, which is not the same as PTSD.
- Exposure therapy leads to Re-traumatization and intrusive thoughts and agoraphobia
- Social anxiety is not sickness. Social anxiety stems from toxic people who are causing mental injury in other people: "Long term exposure to narcissistic abuse causes brain injury" - google this quote.
- There is Functional Social anxiety - where avoidance does not exist but trauma is still present inside - example Michael Jackson or Cher - they have had social inhibitions and yet performed in front of millions of people
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YT "The CURE to your SOCIAL ANXIETY"
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma. This is not habit.
Reaction to toxic people is not something to cure. It is normal to react to dangerous people. It would be abnormal if we do not react at all to someone who is intrusive, abusive and criminal.
Then we would be without boundaries, we would end up with fawning - since narcissists, psychopaths and borderliners as Cluster B monsters they are pathological liars who prey their targets into submission with lies and psychological abuse and gaslighting.
Being super-confident is sign of psychopathy. Glib superficial charm is pathology, not healthy goal.
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YT "👉If You Are Anxious Around Other People…Social Anxiety | #shorts"
Inward focus - this is not true.
Socially anxious people are victims of abuse - and this means socially anxious people are focused and centred onto other people seeking for signs of potential attack and trauma.
"Spotlight effect"
There are predators and psychopaths and borderliners, Cluster B monsters who are extremely focused on their targets to abuse and manipulate and destroy.
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YT "Mental Health: Social Anxiety||How to Cope||My Short Story"
Social anxiety is not triggered by "something", social anxiety is triggered by toxic people, Cluster B monsters (psychopaths, narcissists, borderliners).
The official definition of social anxiety says it is triggered by criticism and negative evaluation - which are main tools for psychopaths to abuse, manipulate and control their targets of antagonism and sadism.
Narcissists live in their own invented world and it seems as if they are secure, confident and full of knowledge - but it is all fake mask of superiority, their main tool of their mental illness. Narcissists love that you are interested in them and have no boundaries and that you try to be social with everyone without any filter and they trap you with glib charm and charisma after they scan your needs and weak points - and use them against you.
Being triggered is basic definition of Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD) - which means being exposed to trauma, psychological abuse over long period of time.
It is not about training you brain - being traumatized is not pathology, it means there is nothing wrong with our thinking patterns, there is nothing to fix. Problem lies in toxic people around us, from the past and now.
Going out more and being with people does not turn down social anxiety- this leads to re-traumatization and more fears and more panic. Exposure will help to those who are shy and mislabel their shyness with label "social anxiety".
Social anxiety is after-effect of being abused, being psychologically abused over long period of time. This abuse cannot be "healed" by being around abusive and toxic people.
If we do not care about other people - we will become psychopath. We cannot jump from bi-polar thinking black and white world - where we "heal" our trauma of fawning by not caring about people at all. These are two extremes of the same issue in toxic Cluster B mentally ill aggressive criminally insane predators which we are exposed to.
Sharing social anxiety with someone will not help, since people in general are not trained to deal with abuse and criminally insane monsters who abuse other people. So their well meaning "advice" will bring more problems and issues than any good.
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YT "How to LESSEN social anxiety IMMEDIATELY"
Social anxiety is trauma, it is being victim/target of psychological abuse.
Going out and being exposed to abusive people is act of re-traumatizing.
Predators, Cluster B predatory personalities care a lot about target of their sadism and sick urge to torture other people, especially the easiest prey: traumatized people who react and trigger to anger emotions and neglect, original trauma.
Socially anxious already look at other people. They are zoomed into other people, like with microscope. This is due to previous abuse experiences and now there is hypervigilance.
Being genuinely curious in other people is not having boundaries for toxic people. Social anxiety is normal reaction to abnormal people, abnormal events and abnormal situations. Therefore it is telling us to have boundaries, cut toxic with toxic people, not giving them millionth chance after they hurt us over and over again.
I think confusion arises since
1) a lot of shy people convince themselves they have social anxiety due to google and self help books who are making money in pathologizing symptoms
2) Cluster B monsters such as covert narcissists and borderliners mimic social anxiety since other people are source of their narcissistic supply - and play pretending to be sensitive is excellent tool to attract genuinely sensitive people into their web of abuse.
Problem is that both groups become spokesmen for social anxiety and give false definitions of what is social anxiety - since truly socially anxious people are traumatized into silence and self censorship and hiding - while narcissists use shyness and social anxiety as a fake mask to mimic being victim - and then of course a lot of people discover this acting and most people end up concluding that social anxiety is egocentrism, manipulation and being over-sensitive and hysterical with hidden agenda.
Social anxiety can be Functional.
Like Michael Jackson who had severe social anxiety in private and performed in front of billions without any issues.
This means, socially anxious people can look at people and talk to them, and still have social anxiety trauma inside.
Trauma is problem here, Complex Trauma is social anxiety - which is not the same as PTSD.
Also,
the idea to have glib charisma charm and being very social with everybody without filter is psychopathy and pathology - this is not healthy nor normal.
Not having any inhibition at all is also pathology and abnormal behaviour.
Disinhibition:
"In psychology, disinhibition is a lack of restraint manifested in disregard of social conventions, impulsivity, and poor risk assessment. Disinhibition affects motor, instinctual, emotional, cognitive, and perceptual aspects with signs and symptoms similar to the diagnostic criteria for mania."
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YT "#3 social anxiety isn't a real Illness"
You are correct, it is not illness, it is not mental disorder.
Social anxiety is trauma. Social anxiety is result of bullying, abuse, psychological and emotional abuse.
Exposing to abusive people is Re-traumatization.
Social anxiety can be Functional. Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety yet performed in front of billions of people with trauma still present inside him and being extremely shy and avoidant in private.
So going out , saying hi, genuine conversations - will not "cure" trauma and being abused.
Being friendly and open will not magically make abusive people nor turn criminally insane people into being normal.
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YT "How to FIX SOCIAL anxiety when talking to girls FAST!"
Idea that our thinking is sick will create mental illness and deep personality disorder.
This video is prime example how society is making us sick with wrong and detrimental "advice".
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YT "Confronting Social Anxiety"
It is other people - the social anxiety is Complex PTSD (which is not PTSD). Social anxiety is being victim/target of Cluster B monsters, it is being victim/target of psychological emotional narcissistic abuse.
Hence hypervigilance about other people -expecting another intrusive aggression from predators.
I would rather go with ACE test and check and see that social anxiety is trauma.
It is not about looking evidence am I real - it is looking for psychological security in toxic ambient where neglect is standard.
Social anxiety by definition is fear of criticism and negative evaluation. So hiding from people will be triggered when other person has mood swings. Social anxiety is not shyness. It is not question of liked or nor being liked - it is trauma of being abused hurt and neglected and attacked by mentally ill people who mimic being normal in society where narcissism is normalized and ignored.
Exposure therapy will not help symptoms go away -being exposed to mentally ill Cluster B monsters will lead to re-traumatization.
You keep talking as if there is something sick inside socially anxious mind - and this leads to personality disorder and deep seated toxic shame. Horrible and detrimental approach.
---
He is using self pathologizing approach, extremally dangerous and it can lead to mental illness. In the best case it will lead to fawning - since we will end up justifying abuse and normalizing Cluster B lunatics as part of normal society.
Social anxiety is trauma, there is nothing to fix inside us.
Abusive pathological liars, predators, Cluster B Dark triad monsters are the only problem - not our reaction to abuse.
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YT "A 4-Step Process For Social Anxiety"
"For variety of reason"
It is abuse. I would be blunt and call it straight what it is.
Social anxiety is the result of being exposed to narcissistic abuse in our formative years.
Social anxiety is Complex trauma (which is not the same as PTSD).
Being unclear about social anxiety origin is adding up to confusion unnecessarily.
Shy people and covert narcissists and mentally ill people like borderliners - they all mimic social anxiety for their own agenda reasons.
Shy people google their symptoms and pharma mafia industry will hypnotize them with pathology that mere shyness is anxiety - in order to make money from industry making problems where there are none.
Covert narcissists and borderliners mimic social anxiety since this presenting oneself as socially anxious is an excellent way to have fake mask of victim - and in the end such mentally ill people become spokesmen for socially anxious - and then what happens is that social anxiety is perceived by general society as hallucination since all people will see through the mask of dangerous people who abuse others.
"Lead us to state of sustainable resilience"
"Let it be your teacher"
Yep!
I would not stay much with analyzing our body.
Reaction to abuse is natural reaction to abuse. There is no message in natural reaction to psychological abuse, there is nothing mysterious nor message in reflex to someone criminally insane.
The message is quite straightforward - that we start to trust our instinct and stop believing in pathological liars and coercive control.
Instead of being focused on our mechanism of body - I would rather go along in education how to handle psychopaths.
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YT "social anxiety can be crippling | learn to work the room"
You are mixing up shyness with social anxiety.
Social anxiety is fear of criticism and being unable to tolerate negative evaluation - due to trauma and being exposed to psychological abuse while growing up in our formative years.
Instead of unknown people for 4 hours, break ice and not feel awkward - social anxiety analogy would be being stuck every day in toxic job with mobbing, psychological ongoing physical abuse at job and at home where you cannot quit that job nor leave - unless being homeless and without shelter. That is social anxiety. Being exposed to abuse and not being able to run away.
Feeling awkward with strangers is shyness and narcissism.
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YT "ChatGPT for socially anxious conversations #socialanxiety"
It is misleading to "cure" social anxiety by not having boundaries and idea to chat with just about everyone.
Social anixety is not sickness, it is reaction to being exposed to psychological abuse over long period of time.
This means, our thinking, our behaviour is not sick, there is no fix necessary.
What we need is safety and having boundaries, cutting contact with toxic people around us.
Chances us with trauma experience we will attract leeches and psychopaths like moth to a flame, we are excellent resource of abuse to Cluster B monsters.
Our experiences of trauma and abuse are aphrodisiac to mentally ill Cluster B psychopaths, especially borderliners. They use our insecurities and fix seeking mindset against ourselves.
Social anxiety is message that we cut contact with people - and we need to respect and listen to our messages from our body, no matter how unintuitive is seems.
Chances us with social anxiety symptoms trauma we are inside toxic ambient, not only that we attract toxic people, we are deep down in crap and we need to shovel our way out - cutting contact with people is best way to shovel ourselves out of the Cluster B crap.
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YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety: How to Stop Caring What Others Think of You"
Problem are pathological liars, Cluster B monsters, psychopaths who use gaslighting, manipulation, coercion control - who are using mind games. Social anxiety is result of being exposed to such dangerous people, being exposed to psychological abuse over long period of time.
It is great that we trust ourselves and not waste our time to difficult person - but what happens when we are at toxic job where we are abused and we cannot leave due to finances?
What happens when in ambient where we live we are abused and we cannot live unless we end up being homeless?
Caring less unfortunately does not work when being exposed to emotional, narcissistic and psychological abuse.
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YT "Social Anxiety Week Part 2 - I worry about embarrassing myself, what do I do?"
Social anxiety is trauma of being exposed to psychological abuse, someone who is pathological liar.
I do not understand how you end up equating this to learning from abuse, lying and gaslighting?
Also idea that we develop narcissism through being perfectionist is really lame advice which leads to mental illness. Mistakes are part of life, it is normal that we won't know everything when we start doing something - it is impossible to be confident and successful when we are doing something new.
Idea that we must change ourselves and torture ourselves into perfection in order to evade someone's anger is really crappy advice, please stop it. You are enabling abuse and Cluster B monsters - who are true cause of social anxiety in their targets.
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YT "3 tips to beat Social Anxiety"
You are mixing up shyness with social anxiety.
Social anxiety is not being unable to communicate effectively or feeling boring.
Social anxiety is trauma, being exposed to psychological abuse while growing up.
Having knowledge and insight in many topics will not make you social party animal at all. In fact it will make you a weirdo which everyone perceive as boring stuck up nerd. Society is toxic, society likes gossip, non Political correct conversation, abuse and bullying. General society dislike laws, rules and education since we live in sick planet with untreated mentally ill people, 2 year old brats trapped in adult bodies.
Socially anxious people were abused and toxically ashamed in formative years- This means they do not have self worth - hence no hobbies - it is only other people as seeing others as gods, external reference locus of control.
Talk to yourself is horrible advice. I doubt that "confident" people have routines and preps to be confident.
Confidence is paradox - if you build it up and work around it - you will never have confidence, instead you will overcompensate.
On the other hand if you accept yourself as you are, not being confident, paradoxically you will become confident.
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YT "8 Traits That Lead to Social Anxiety"
Social anxiety is not self inflicted. This is horrible superficial explanations which can lead to mental illness and personality disorder if taken seriously.
Social anxiety is result of being exposed to psychological abuse over long period of time in our formative years.
Videos like this are prime example how society is giving false and dangerous explanations which lead to abnormality, self pathology and self abuse, highly dangerous. Please stop it , what you are doing is criminal act, you are psychologically abusing others with totally wrong information.
"Accepting those around you"
So if we have Amber who is pooping in our bed and contemplating suing our career and taking our money -we need to accept mentally ill person, their abuse and ignore it and enable it?
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YT "Stop Worrying & LIVE YOUR LIFE - The Biblical Cure for Social Anxiety (Fear of man vs. Fear of God)"
"care too much what people think of you, in modern times it is called social anxiety"
Nope.
Social anxiety by official definition is fear of criticism and negative evaluation from people. It is not general fear of people.
You are mixing up definitions and Bible too.
New Testament repeatedly says to fawn to others - to turn other cheek if someone is abusive.
So not only you massacred psychology, you also developed narcissistic fantasy about religion too.
Not caring about others is pathology, psychopathy.
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(7.2.2023)
YT "10 Simple Tips to Help With Anxiety & Panic Attacks"
The most devastating effect of CBT is instruction to self blame, make focus on our body, and self pathologize our natural reactions to toxic ambient.
This way CBT is creating personality disorders and mental imbalance in anyone seeking genuine help ho to deal with difficult people who are causing panic and fears in their targets.
This way CBT totally ignores narcissistic Cluster B monsters, and instead turns into blame shifting and victim blaming strategy. As if feelings of anxiety and panic attacks are falling our of heaven, randomly without any triggers or abuse behind it.
Seesaw effect tells us that sudden fear, threat, anxiety stems from being pushed by someone in our vicinity - and it is always untreated mentally ill people around us who are using Cluster B dysfunctional behaviour to cause fear, panic and anxiety in the recipient. Trauma makes it more complex - conditioned response to someone's anger.
3:09
"If environment is traumatic/crisis and Get to safety first"
CBT never explains what happens when we cannot leave, escape nor run away. If we want to pay rent, and if we live in poor state where another job is not alternative - and when we are at toxic place filled with mobbing, abuse, pathology - CBT does not explain what happens then.
"We are not in current danger"
What if we are? Why CBT never explains that toxic people exist and that our reactions to abnormal people are totally normal and there is nothing to fix? It is easier to spend money on useless advice and Pharma mafia, since CBT is therapy of narcissistic abuse where toxic people magically do not exist, and victims of abuse, bullying and mobbing are somehow hallucinating the abuse and have to take deep breaths in order to deal with mentally ill people who will never seek therapy.
5:55 "Medication"
Pharma mafia loves CBT, neurosis are excellent endless money resource for mafia.
God forbid that we tackle narcissists in corporations and in government - it is easier to blame victims of abuse and pathologize them for experiencing unwarranted, uninvited abuse.
Common CBT "advice", as horrible as anything with CBT is, that we are Assertive with difficult people and in reality this means being trapped inside Karpman Drama Triangle where we give free voluntary information to mentally ill predators who use personal information for abuse.
Another magical CBT "advice" is to cut contact and leave job - so CBT is actually therapy for the rich - all others are being silently exploited by this horrible psychological disaster.
10:24 "Remember you are safe" "This is not trying to hurt you"
So basically if Johnny Depp is dealing with his abuser as she poops in his bed and has hidden agenda to destroy his life at court later on, CBT "advice" is to ignore this abuse and convince himself that he is safe.
All emotions are valid. Fear is valid emotion - stifling it down, ignoring it, pretending it is not there is ableism. If we stifle down our fear anxiety emotions, we will create mental illness.
CBT advice to be curious about our symptoms of panic are deflection - so CBT is narcissistic abuse therapy. CBT does not tells that these symptoms are stemming from abuser, external factor. This way CBT is therapy of self-pathologizing.
Nitpicking our panic and fears, spending time money focus on looking our panic and anxiety is like picking our poop and analyzing it. We will only end up disgusted and get no nurture from it.
Instead of horrible CBT - the correct therapy is Humanistic therapies.
We feel fears anxiety and panic due to Complex Trauma - which is banned by CBT and DSM. WHO's ICD-11 recognizes Complex PTSD as valid condition (which is not the same as PTSD).
Trauma is not recognized by CBT since trauma automatically means that our managerial governmental societal structure is deeply sick and ran by psychopaths who are running medical industry itself.
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(8.2.2023)
YT "How to Stop Being Undermined by a Narcissistic Coworker"
Whoa! I love analogy of shaky building and trying to keep it together, that helps in detaching with someone antagonistic, knowing that the fake image of superiority they put on a show is actually earthquake prone foundation inside - and they take a lot of hypervigilance to keep it away from crumbling down while presenting god-like creatures as an image to outside external world.
I easily buy into marketing and false messages since I want to trust anyone when they are speaking that they are not pathological liars and then end up taking things personally since I have no idea that beneath the image there is chaos and panic inside which I end up internalizing inside me as reaction to their antagonism, their unfair criticism, constant nitpickings and endless drama and accusations.
Now it makes sense that their intrusive and hurtful behaviour stems from constant drama inside their being, deep beneath the superior fake mask they manage to portray to us.
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YT "How PTSD can change your life #ptsd"
I would add information that invalidating negative feelings - this is actually definition Complex Trauma. And Complex PTSD is different from PTSD. As its name states, it is complex.
Unfortunately CBT and DSM are banning and forbidding information about Complex PTSD due to Pharma mafia and narcissistic structures inside corrupt medical industry.
Luckily enough from 2019 WHO's ICD-11 recognizes Complex Trauma as real concept.
The biggest difference between PTSD and C-PTSD is that C-PTSD is associated with social anxiety and toxic shame. We can think of it is like PTSD is one singular focused wound, while C-PTSD is cancer attacking the whole body.
CBT and DSM and USA medical industry are stifling this Trauma model away from public awareness (proposed in 2002) since recognition that narcissistic abuse is solely responsible for our mental issues would mean that we no longer need to spend our money on industry self help books, therapies which can't work - since problem are toxic people- not our mind, and untreated mentally ill people who pretend to be normal would no longer abuse and have power which they hold any managerial positions in industry and corporations which are poisoning our planet and our well being - while we are forced in a role of being their servants and slaves who are instructed by CBT to self-pathologize and self blame ourselves for being abused by psychopaths in authority.
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(10.2.2023)
YT "How to Deal with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS"
Intrusive thoughts stem from toxic ambient.
If we decide to take CBT approach, we will signal our brain that our thoughts are sick, that our behaviour is sick, that our core being is sick - while in the same time CBT totally ignores trauma and toxic people who are causing the distress.
Identifying thoughts won't work because we will put our focus on our fears. Now the brain will join into hysteria and find new fears to be afraid of. This is classical CBT mistake which produces new anxieties and mental disorder.
Putting thought on trial will not work since instead of focusing on our goals, identity, intrinsic values, we place time, focus, energy, money onto normal result of abuse - someone being aggressive and intrusive. We don't focus on toxic person, instead CBT tells us to self-pathologize ourselves into guilt and shame.
Replacing thoughts won't work because it is like urticaria allergy - the more you scratch it, the worse it gets. Jung said - what you resist, persist.
Acceptance won't work because intrusive thoughts stem from toxic shame - it would be accepting someone's stigma and blame and guilt tripping, their gaslighting and pathological lying.
Finding the evidence won't work since evidence is not inside our mind. There is nothing sick in our brain, there is nothing sick in our soul, there is nothing sick in our thought pattern.
The only thing that is sick and which is causing intrusive thoughts is external factor: Dark triad, someone untreated mentally ill in our midst, in our close contact - and emotional contagion spreads their virus into easy targets: nice, quiet, kind, morally and ethically high personalities, open and friendly agreeable people who lack boundaries and hence attract toxic people like moth to a flame.
I would start with blocking people and isolating - and see if it gets better once we cut contact with anyone who is nagging, complaining, judging, criticizing all the time.
In case we can't break contact (due to finances, third party, immobility, service, help or shelter) - the idea is to detach and minimize contact and be mindful that intrusive worry will stem from narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, borderliners - Cluster B monsters around us.
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""yoga and meditation! pranayama"
Just imagine Johnny Depp dealing with intrusive PureOCD worry and not knowing that it stems from abuse - what effect would be if instead of documenting the abuse - he had chosen to take deep breaths and pretend that negative emotions are sick and something to smother and ignore while trying to live chirpy toxic attempt to pick only good feelings. He would end up with his bed filled with poop and his movie career being destroyed.
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"We need integrated management technique to sort our negative biases towards life."
Negative bias has its purpose in evolution.
Without it you would ignore toxicity and danger.
"Escape attempt from pain creates more pain.
We get addicted to it."
Dr. Gabor Maté
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YT "How to Stand Up for Yourself When You're Feeling Bullied"
"It's important to take action and stand up for yourself when it happens"
Tell this to Femicide victims or those who lost jobs after standing up.
"It's important to have strong sense of self worth"
So victims/targets of Complex Trauma and invalidation in childhood can do what?
"Focus on your strengths, what you're good at"
Ok, this does not work.
"Good communication skills. To express yourself assertively"
What happens when bully is pathological liar and loves voluntary information to fuel endless conflict.
"I feel hurt"
Usually they say You're over-sensitive, sissy, nancy boy etc.
"Avoid certain places"
Leads to agoraphobia and social anxiety.
"involve others"
The lack of strong authority builds bullying ambient in the first place.
Clickbait video with crappy advice which does not work in real life. Waste of time.
---
YT "How to Stand Up For Yourself."
"What are my values"
In real life they report your "no" to boss behind your back and make you into lazy person.
And it does not stop here.
Then they end up antagonistic which is huge problem when you depend on them to get certain information, data, instructions which they only know or have.
"Insult you, disrespect you"
In real life martial arts will land you a prison. People who defend themselves are labeled as aggressors in this sick society, both in the East and West.
I tried verbal defense in real life and immediately I was warned they will call the police. Twice.
I cannot think what would happen if there was physical altercations.
"They pray on weak"
They are parasites. They munch on energy of nice kind peaceful people, get resources from easy targets. Parasites is the only word to describe that phenomena. Like Russia attacking and annexing poor defenseless countries.
"Defend yourself all the time"
Toxic people are stemming from Cluster B personality disorders. These toxic people are deeply insecure but they keep false façade of superiority and strength to outside to everyone. In order to appear strong and superior they have detailed tools and techniques to manipulate and control other people - without you knowing what is happening. Check our Dark psychology books.
This means they will nitpick your mistakes, flaws, lack of knowledge and present it as your guilt, shame - and you won't be able to defend yourself since they will attack your values and goals in life - such as being useful to society and that you do not harm innocent people. They will simply target moral and ethical standards and use it against us.
We are talking here about complex Machiavellianism. Topic is much more serious and complex.
---
(12.2.2023)
YT "DO THIS to stop ruminating about the narcissist"
"I do Thought Interruption. If I’m ruminating I stop 🛑 and insert a phrase like, “How does this help or serve me ?” I’ll say this phrase over and over again"
Any reaction to PureOCD is like urticaria, skin rash - it gets worse when you scratch it.
If you leave it be, it still has itch but it calms and sooths down on its own in its own time.
Jung said what you resist, persist.
Also, by nitpicking our thoughts we signal our brain that we are faulty, inept, stupid, unworthy, in danger, weak, abnormal - basically we are spiraling down into deep pits of toxic shame and mental instability. Our thoughts are not sick, our thought patterns are not abnormal and no, we are not weak.
What we experience is re-traumatization and it is caused by abnormal people, psychopaths who act like normal human beings and introject their illness into our self pathology attempts.
Our rumination is totally normal reaction to immensely abnormal, twisted, inept, weak, psychopathic, fake, toxic people around us.
-
(13.2.2023)
YT "SOCIAL ANXIETY EXPLAINED - CAUSE, DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT"
"may have developed from here"
Just say this can actually be fully checked and tested in 5 minutes.
There are ACE tests available.
Why this information that test is available - is hidden away?
Also there is no mention at all of Complex Trauma (which is different from PTSD).
CBT is horrible therapy since it is therapy of over-generalization and ableism and focus is on fears, not on intrinsic values. CBT bans information about trauma since this would resolve issues. With CBT you are prisoner to sick medical industry.
Humanistic psychology is the only therapy that works with Social anxiety.
Social anxiety is result of being abused, bullied and mobbed, it is result of invalidation.
Social anxiety is product of narcissistic and emotional abuse, being exposed to toxic ambient and toxic Cluster B monsters.
-
YT "On social anxiety"
This is incorrect statement.
This is explanation of Borderliners drama queens who mimic social anxiety since they have loud mouth and give false impressions and fake description of social anxiety.
While truly socially anxious are quiet and shut up since they truly have social anxiety.
Let's check this mess.
"Is not fear of being mean to you"
Ok, Einstein. Let's delve into CBT egocentric madness head on.
Then how do you define fear of someone being mean?
How do you define someone being exposed to toxic ambient for long time when growing up and now there are triggers to original trauma?
How do you define being in toxic ambient with pathological liars who are gaslighting you all the time?
Do you have name and label for this fear of toxic people and hurt and harm that Cluster B monsters cause?
"IT is fear of being perceived at all."
This is totally incorrect statement.
Socially anxious people do not feel afraid and panicked inside psychological safety environment.
Borderliners do.
Socially anxious people are not scared all the time with anyone. Otherwise they would end up in mental institutions long long time ago, since anything would be trigger and it would lead to sever agoraphobia.
You are giving false definitions and you are inducing mental illness into victims of abuse by giving false explanations what they feel.
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety in private yet his social anxiety was functional, he performed in front of billions of people. If your "description" of social anxiety was true, he would never be able to make concerts.
Social anxiety is part of Complex Trauma - it is being exposed to untreated mentally ill Cluster B monsters while growing up with constant criticism and drama out of anything - which is now programmed as social anxiety.
This means - there are triggers and flashbacks which appear as of fear of being perceived.
Yet if you were not so narcissistic you would actually talk to truly socially anxious people and discover that triggers and flashbacks do not occur all the time.
If there is no yelling, if there is no criticism, if there is no blame or shaming - there will be no social anxiety.
Just horrible what kind of information is circulating around social anxiety, this is re-traumatization of victims of abuse over and over again.
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YT "Living With Social Anxiety | My Experience"
Oh I remember your videos from year ago. When I wrote in comments that it is social anxiety, you dismissed it immediately.
Good you start to make sense of thought patterns and to recognize more what is going on inside.
Social anxiety is part of Complex Trauma.
Which is not the same as PTSD.
This means while we were growing up we were traumatized in social area - usually it is related to being exposed to emotional narcissistic abuse regarding our mistakes, flaws and lack of information - we were repeatedly exposed to invalidation - and now as adults we get triggered by criticism and negative evaluation easily. Immediately we get back into role of shamed child and we have no idea this transfer is happening. Then we repeat the same thinking patterns we did cope as kids - usually these are called dysfunctional defense mechanisms such as suppressing, introjecting, catastrophizing.
What we never learned as kids is that these fear and panic feelings are totally normal reaction to bullies and difficult and intrusive people. As kids due to exposure to narcissistic abuse - we were repeatedly instructed to equate being shamed of with our persona, with our core being.
This happens because Cluster B monsters transfer their mental illness into easy target: someone who is empathic, nice, kind and open and friendly, in short without boundaries.
We remember what strangers have said to us because Cluster B monsters are focused on our mistakes and blunders, while as you said in video - normal people are not preoccupied with details of other people - since there is no evil hidden agenda to exploit someone. We were exposed to these monsters who repeatedly told us through criticism that people like them are focused on us - hence we end up with social anxiety as adults.
Social anxiety is trauma of being exposed to untreated mentally ill people - and now we have super easy ability to detect such people with schizophrenia narcissistic delusions really easily. We spot them immediately - as much as toxic people spot nice and kind and quiet empathic HSPs very easily since we are great targets to parasite on.
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YT "Looking to overcome social anxiety?"
Looking to overcome social anxiety is path to narcissism, boderline and Cluster B delusional mindset where we are suppose to overcompensate inferiority complex, where we are suppose to be super humans without mistakes and vulnerabilities.
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YT "How To Overcome Your Fears and Beat Social Anxiety...In 6 Simple Steps"
Social anxiety is not the same thing as social anxiety disorder.
These are two totally different issues.
Social phobia is archaic term for social anxiety, it was abandoned in mid 1990s since "experts" in CBT discovered that exposure does not help - where phobias are cured with repeated exposure. Social anxiety lingers on and exposure even makes it worse - since social anxiety is part of Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD).
Social anxiety disorder is feeling panic in any social situation - even with safe people. There is delusion of paranoid attack from other people. Social anxiety is not sickness. Social anxiety disorder is sickness and it is very rare occurrence.
Social anxiety is good - without it we would be like Trump or Putin - criminals who pee in mouth of underage prostitutes for sexual pleasure and criminally abuse people in free time. Or we would be like Amber who poops in bed of their boyfriend when angry. Elimination of social anxiety leads to narcissism and schizophrenia, criminal abusive anti-social behaviour.
Social anxiety is trauma - it stems from being exposed to toxic Cluster B monsters. It is being victim of abuse, bullying and mobbing. Sickness is not inside our mentality nor our thoughts - sickness is in external factor.
Idea to identify our negative thoughts leads to mental illness and severe personality disorder. That is why CBT is crappy therapy which induces mental illness and CBT ought to be banned.
Videos like these are making social anxiety worse since CBT is path to self pathologizing and enabling abusers who cause social anxiety in their targets. Because CBT will instruct us that our panic reactions to sick people is problem, not abusers themselves.
If we decide that our empathy and HSP is sickness, we will create toxic shame and personality disorder - since we will try to have superiority complex and we will make our fears and panic into our gods, something to focus on and battle with and make drama about it.
Reaction to toxic dangerous sick people is totally normal - there is absolutely nothing wrong with our thoughts. Suppressing bad and fear emotions lead to mental illness. It is not realistic to be happy and chirpy all the time, we live in toxic world filled with criminals in authority.
CBT advice to face fears and exposure leads to re-traumatization - since we are explained by CBT that our fears and panic emotions are sickness and personal defect. This way CBT is part of narcissistic abuse and emotional abuse and ableism. CBT ought to be banned since psychiatry as CBT can be detrimental to our mental health.
Instead of crappy CBT there is Humanistic psychology which truly helps with trauma and social anxiety issues. The idea is that we work on our self worth, intrinsic locus of control and cutting trauma bonding with toxic people in the process of self validation.
CBT "advice" to be social leads to people pleasing and fawning - since we have no idea how to create boundaries and how to recognize red flags and acknowledge our emotions and reaction to toxic people as valid. Instead CBT explains us that we are sick for feeling discomfort in the presence of abusers, molesters, criminals, borderliners, Cluster B monsters, psychopaths.
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YT "Social anxiety holds us back"
This is borderline mimicking social anxiety.
Social anxiety is not standing in line and satisfying Cluster B mentality to buy and hoard things to feel good and regulate.
Social anxiety is trauma of being exposed to abuse of Cluster B monsters such as Borderliners who are loud mouthed.
It has nothing to do with hot dog or feeling entitled about not being first in the line.
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YT "3-Step Blueprint to Overcome Social Anxiety & Shyness"
Social anxiety is not sickness.
Shyness is not something to destroy.
Being lonely is not mental illness.
Confidence is not something you build or overcompensate.
Idea to label genuine reactions to narcissistic abuse, toxic people and psychopaths as "lack of social skills" is idiocy and moronic.
So as it is said in video - it is about embracing social anxiety. I call it accepting social anxiety.
Social anxiety is morality and ethical standards inside us which were traumatized as kids when we were exposed to untreated mentally ill Cluster B monsters who mimicked healthy sane person.
Victims and targets of emotional abuse and toxic shaming will be programmed to believe that they look ugly. This example of toxic shame belief stem from narcissistic abuse, exposure to someone who is mentally ill, toxic people.
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YT "HOW I got rid of SOCIAL ANXIETY and now feel SAFE around people, and how YOU can too"
How exactly do you feel safe around someone who is pathological liar?
How do you feel safe with someone who is covert narcissist and appear friendly and nice and love bomb you and hover and trap you into feeling safe with them?
Someone who is gaslighting you?
Is it normal not to feel panic and fear if Amber poops in your bed? Would it be normal to stay with psychopath who is abusing us?
Idea to suppress emotions and pretend we are happy all the time is mental illness. Suppressing emotions is dysfunctional defense mechanism, this is not mental health. You are literally creating mental illness, severe delusional schizophrenia and borderline Cluster B insanity in your head.
It is abnormal to feel safe with criminally insane person near you.
it is abnormal to be dis-inhibited - there is mental disorder for those who have no inhibitions.
If there is no shame fear or reaction to someone criticizing you - you would never recognize mistakes. You would stink bad, you would have poop on your clothes.
Criticism stemming from toxic people is different from someone who is not mentally ill.
You simply label and over-generalize all criticism as invalid - and this leads to egocentrism and narcissism, solipsism where you are the only person in the Universe.
Just horrible what kind of detrimental borderline information is circulating on social media-
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YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety: How to Shine in Public and Make New Friends"
I never was caring what someone thought of me - since I do not have supernatural ability to read other people thoughts.
What I cared was disrespect, abuse, pathological lying, hovering, being intrusive, Machiavellian, parasite, shaming, bullying, being mobbed, accused of unfair and untrue allegations.
If we never cared what other people think we would become narcissistic monsters, trapped in egocentric schizophrenic world. Without ability to care about other people we would never form friendships or romantic relationships or successful business model.
You can't have trauma splitting mindset where if something is black you try white instead. We live in fuzzy logic universe where false dilemma (presenting only two choices) is moronic and manipulation.
Sometimes it is great that I believe in myself and trust myself. However if someone good and nice in my vicinity is in distress and asks me for help - it would be abnormal to be self absorbed and not help that person.
In fact it would be abnormal to be self absorbed all the time - that is narcissism and psychopathy.
Idea to impress other people with our lack of being nervous and being super confident imaginary grandiose persona is paradoxically still being depended on other people. And yes, you are still in mindset where you dictate others who you are. You simply feel approved and good when you trick yourself into narcissism and egocentrism and solipsism. In real life - this ends as disaster if we do not have money, rich parents or if we are not criminals in Romania with cam sex slaves making money for us.
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YT "Social anxiety and anxiety ( my message )"
Social anxiety is normal part of life. It is scary. It is annoying, it feels abnormal and intrusive.
We think social anxiety is part of us, that our body and thoughts are producing social anxiety, that it is our fault for feeling it and that we can somehow do something to destroy and remove and suppress it.
In reality social anxiety is alarm system.
It is loud siren that goes off and alarms us of trauma, shock and intrusive attack.
So idea to be angry at the alarm system is moronic and wrong. Social anxiety stem from the social.
That is why it is called social + anxiety. It is not called self anxiety.
Toxic people are causing social anxiety, we are simply reacting to psychopaths, narcissists, untreated mentally ill people who are mimicking sane people and walk around and get into contact with us.
We simply feel it - since in childhood we were exposed to untreated mentally ill Cluster B monsters - and now as adults we have easy ability to detect dangerous and sick people.
Psychopaths will wear mask, they will not have "MAD PSYCHO" written on their forehead.
Instead they will have charisma, be popular, they will appear friendly and nice, make charity and offer help and service.
Once we stop self pathologizing - our social anxiety symptoms will lessen since we won't feel toxic shame and blame for feeling uncomfortable around criminally insane psychopaths around us.
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(14.2.2023)
Anxiety does not fall out of heaven, unless we have schizophrenia or serious brain injury.
Jung said Unless we make unconscious to be conscious (to be aware of what it causing it and why it comes up) it will lead our life automatically without us being aware we are on auto-pilot.
Jung also discovered that if we come up with
the idea to suppress, ignore, stifle down our negative annoying and scary emotions such as anxiety leads to mental illness.
So you are on the right track - instead of CBT advice to list our fears and make fears into our gods which determine what we will face today to "overcome" fear which only builds up fears - the better and healthier approach is to examine what anxiety tries to tell us.
In all cases I discovered that anxiety always stems from external factor: toxic people around us, toxic ambient, toxic system, abnormal relationships such as whatever Cluster B monsters interact with others - it will affect us. Then we end up with Complex Trauma and anxiety is one of faucets of trauma and exposure to untreated mentally ill Cluster B predators/parasites masked as glib charm behind fake superior apex mask.
Darwin discovered that our brain survived predators due to its ability to worry, be hypervigilant, be scared and feel panic - all these anxiety issues are part of evolution. We learned about it in school, it was abstract idea - but our anxiety is real life showcase of Darwinism without us being aware that our anxiety is part of evolution. It is normal, it is not something that is abnormal, sick or something to stifle down, overcome, conquer and shame away as faulty CBT explains us to do.
CBT will instruct us to make a list of things we are scared of and then face each one according to magnitude. In real life what happens is that this faulty CBT approach leads to more anxiety, more fears and more trauma. Brain is 6 millions years old - it has genetic structure to recognize, seek and nitpick fears, that it's its own private intrinsic motor, that its primary function written and programmed for millions of years. So when we explain our brain that we have fears, brain will not make lobotomy and release chemicals and hormones of pleasure - instead it will seek and nitpick more fears to recognize and alarm us about. That is why faulty CBT approach of "exposure" does not really work in real life. And most people do not have money enough to finance all exposures, as well because:
Maslow discovered that if our basic needs are not met (as you said in the video - rent, money, shelter) - if we do not have those basic needs, we won't feel self esteem - because there is a hierarchy of our needs that have priority in order to feel happy, content, adventurous, safe. So if we do not have money or shelter - it is useless to practice being adventurous and spend focus on luxury - since obvious goal ought to be psychological and physical safety.
Elaine Aron wrote a book in 1996 about HSPs - which basically states that fears and anxieties we feel are actually a mechanism inside us, our intrinsic values and abilities which mimic fear and anxiety but in reality these are simply a ways how to process stimuli. Faulty CBT psychiatry approach with limited vocabulary will label and stigmatize these HSP stimuli process as sickness, pathology, CBT labels it as fears and anxiety - and when we are explained by narcissistic authority about our nature to be sickness, we will end up with personality disorders and deep toxic shame. While in reality - we are simply sensitive enough to pick up clues, cues and small detailed microscopic mosaics that help us see reality in super clear detail. While most people have analogue TV - we have 8K Ultra HD Smart QLED resolution. The ability to see much more detail is exhausting and we can notice more actions and hidden agenda which analogue "normal" people cannot see - and this will end up as symptoms of anxiety. If we choose to listen to herd mentality of CBT conformism and then label our sensitivity as "anxiety" we will self pathologize ourselves and end up with mental instability.
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(14.2.2023)
"Being your own best friend really needs practice."
Better/more accurate question is - why we are not our best friend all this time?
What stopped us?
What happens when we say no to toxic people around us? What happens when toxic ambient twists and distorts reality into narcissism and psychopathology?
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(15.2.2023)
YT "How to Confront Your Bullies | The "No-Fear Framework" in Just 13 Mins"
The reason why people take bullying personally is because:
- long term exposure to narcissistic abuse causes brain injury
- toxic people target our mistakes, flaws and lack of knowledge whereas our moral and ethical standards of not causing harm to other people is used against ourselves, we worry not to hurt others and bullies exploit this natural and normal and sane need/urge not to cause harm to others
- bullies target ACE targets of abuse who grew up in toxic ambient since they check people around them how they react to boundary crossing. With ACE programming (exposure to relentless criticism in time when our psyche was forming) we do not have boundaries as adults.
So bullying has a lot with our actions - since bullies will target our mistakes.
And mistakes are normal part of life. Mistakes happen all the time and that is normal, mistakes are normal by-products of any action, any undertaking in life, any statement, any opinion, any experience - it is ridden with mistakes. And bullies nitpick those.
This happens due to dualism and double binding:
any action in life is and can be labeled as mistake. And bullies simply take advantage of this natural fact of life studied by philosophers for 2000 years: that ultimate truth does not exist and it is impossible to be perfect.
"Feelings of nervousness" are Charcot hysteria - this was studied 100 years ago. This is automatic, it is hypnosis - and this means that our logic will not help much around it. It is unconscious and Freud and Jung studied it 100 years ago - where todays faulty CBT bans this information and tries to lobotomize our emotions away.
Stifling down emotions lead to mental illness.
Idea that we must be chirpy happy and without problems is unrealistic and if we believe we must feel happy and without problems lead to mental illness, narcissism and schizophrenia because this belief is delusional.
"Good luck to those people" will not work in real life - because a lot of situations in life we cannot leave nor cut contact. Due to money, immobility, third party, service or help.
Standing up to bully will not help because bullies are abnormal and they love 24/7 conflict and never-ending drama - and they love endless confrontations because this gives them energy. Plus our reaction abuse will make us to be bullies and toxic.
In real life work policies does not work for bullies because bullies thrive in environment where there is no strong authority - so they are protected by system. We do live in toxic society which is abuser-centered.
Trumps and Putins get elected due to their glib charm and masses do like to be told what to do in life and masses dislike conflict - so system where bullies exist in the first place will always punish whistleblowers.
Sam Vaknin says that we cannot do anything with bullies - it is losing game. Bullies have a form of schizophrenia - they do live in invented fantasy world of endless battles and superiority complex - and we cannot be their doctor nor healer nor police.
With all this information -
My take with bullies is that we try anything.
Try ignore. Try confront. Try cut contact. Gray rock method. Dissociation.
The best solution is to leave and door slam - however in real life we won't have money resources to run away from our problems all the time.
As I see the only way is to alarm and alert them and minimize contact.
Also, since bullies target and hurt us - we need to deal with ACE and Complex Trauma - which means that we must realize the panic and anger and negative emotions we feel when attacked by bully - is our trauma, our triggers - and this can be healed by education and knowing how to interpret and process emotions and bullies.
I am talking about education on trauma and narcissistic disorder, psychopaths and how to handle mentally ill people who refuse getting help.
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YT "Overly people pleasing"
Over people pleasing is Fawning and Codependency.
These are trauma reaction - when we are in toxic environment with untreated mentally ill people in order to handle life and any action around them, we will develop these defense mechanisms to get things done.
Femicide statistics show what happens when we are not people pleasers.
Getting fired from job is what happens in real life when we stand up for ourselves and not please bullies.
Fawning is trauma reaction - which means it is rooted in ACE (early long term invalidation exposure to emotional and psychological abuse) and this means people pleasing is coded, programmed, ingrained into psyche. This means this cannot be switched off by wishful thinking or by logic or by explanation.
Think of a tree which grew up being bent. It cannot just simply stretch and suddenly grow straight. It needs support and time for branches and stem of tree to grow in normal direction.
When traumatized people say no - it will not work because
1) traumatized people attract toxic people - and it is highly likely that 99 percent of people around traumatized victims of abuse are highly toxic, narcissistic and psychopathic
2) due to exposure to untreated mentally ill people from early age, this means our whole body is conditioned to release chemicals and hormones which in synch with verbal and psychological abuse exposure leads to severe guilt and toxic shame - and saying no triggers this in-built mechanism of toxic guilt - and saying no leads to feeling of suicide. So it is not so simple and your good intention advice may result in catastrophe - so please learn more about trauma, CPTSD (Which is not the same as PTSD) first before giving advice which does not work in real life.
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YT "5 Proven Tips to Influence a Narcissist and Get Your Desired Outcome"
"It is important to set important boundary. Many narcissists respect people more who stand up for their rights"
This is slippery slope.
This can end up with fight, physical aggression, back stabbing and Reaction abuse - and that is what toxic people love: that we lose self control and become hysterical, throwing temper tantrums.
With someone who lives in their fantasy world, it is impossible to set a boundary - since they are unable to perceive boundaries due to their severe mental illness. Then this ends up as Femicide, Amber pooping in a bed, Putin invading Ukraine etc.
Another problem is for normal and sane people any conflict is stressful. It is highly likely that we will re-traumatize ourselves and any standing up for ourselves will end up as new trauma which will haunt us for the rest of our lives. We may lose our mental health in the process. Long term exposure to narcissistic abuse can cause brain injury.
Sam Vaknin told on twitter yesterday that any contact with narcissist is a losing game, we are dealing here with zombie, a shell, mask of someone who is no longer with us. Sam Vaknin told that whatever is done in contact with narcissist is not our fault. So if we try to stand up for ourselves and attempt to confront them - we are signaling our brain that we are guilt, that there is something faulty with us, that we are abnormal and ashamed for something that narcissists nitpick around our mistakes, flaws and lack of knowledge. So psychologically speaking - with arguing with someone who is mentally ill and unable to communicate in normal way, is an act of self-sabotage and we will destroy our mental health - since we will be convinced that they are correct and that we must defend our honor - by someone who has schizophrenia and someone who lives in delusions and hallucinations as their reality.
Instead of confrontation, attempts of standing up for ourselves, attempts to defend our honor and beliefs that we are slighted and ashamed - I would rather work on detachment - being cold and treat narcissists as they really are - mentally ill person who is severely delusional.
This means - alarm and alert, being objective, have communication reduced to red tape bureaucracy without any emotions, without giving private data, without making private plans, without asking them anything other than our goal and what we need to do around them.
Hopefully people who watch this narc videos do understand that the best way is to cut contact - this goes without saying. Also people who are seeking answers how to deal with psychopaths know that due to money, shelter, third party, immobility - we may not always have option to run away - and that is why it is important to learn best strategy how to deal with untreated mentally ill Cluster B monsters in correct manner which will not traumatize us in the process.
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(17-2-2023)
YT "How to get rid of intrusive thoughts #anxiety #intrusivethoughts #anxietyrelief"
Problem is that we do not come up with our own techniques - instead we depend on other people to explain us how to deal with issues, abuse, mobbing and bullying in our own life. Nobody knows how to handle abusers - which are the true and only cause of intrusive thoughts.
The idea that we must depend on someone's techniques leads to codependency, toxic shame, more of PureOCD intrusive worry loops and hypervigilance - since deep down we falsely believe we are unable to come up with our own GPS techniques to guide us. Instead we are afraid of making mistakes - as we were traumatized in formative years by constant narcissistic abuse exposure: relentless criticism 24/7: which are the core motor of intrusive thoughts as adults now.
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YT "Codependency: What It Is and IS NOT. Explaining Self-Love Deficit Disorder."
I see codependency more from social aspect and social anxiety - not only romantic contact.
This means I will depend on emotions and moods of co-workers, cashier, random strangers who are somehow in contact with me: at public transport, in a que, at other side of phone etc.
Of course, this also reflects in romantic contact which always end up with abuse and invalidation, attracting Cluster B monsters by being kind and nice.
I agree with Ross that at the root of codependency is lack of self love. I call this self love also as self worth, intrinsic locus of control, trusting in my capabilities, it is entity/concept opposite of internalized toxic shame, I see self love as self validation, self acceptance: which means accepting my mistakes, flaws and lack of knowledge which Cluster B attack and present as catastrophe and our toxicity and even as abuse- that we somehow hurt other people by our mistakes: which trigger our shame and moral ethical desire not to harm other people.
This way psychopaths are turning our highest values as human civilized beings against ourselves--
Think of accountability, truth and honesty and advocacy as needles and corona system which attacks evil, depravity, abnormality, psychopathy. What Cluster B monsters do - they simply turn those needles of ethical and moral standards against ourselves.
They do this through Glasser disconnection policies:
"Controlling Habits:
Blaming
Criticizing
Complaining
Nagging
Rewarding To Control
Threatening
Punishing
William Glasser"
These all lead to psychological abuse, narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse - and exposure over long period of time to narcissistic abuse leads to brain injury and trauma. In early years exposure to this abuse leads to Complex Trauma (CPTSD which is not the same as PTSD).
And we are not aware what is going on.
We have no idea that criticism is tool and attack -
instead due to moral ethical and normal healthy standards - we perceive criticism as help and service, something which helps us to be better person.
In toxic contact - it cannot be better since criticism is intrusive, personal, thwarted, lie, manipulation, control, coercive control, gaslighting, hovering, love bombing, devalue phase, it is hidden tool to hurt, harm, exploit and immobilize the target of abuse. But we do not see it, without education about narcissistic abuse - we do not see it as abuse. We see it as help and we become codependent with critical person who is antagonistic and use criticism to control other people.
We see it as help because along with empathy and trials not to make mistakes, not to harm other people, negative politeness where we avoid making other people feel bad - in toxic contact this negative politeness urge turns into enabling abuse, evil and toxic people in their criminal activities.
We might come up with anger idea not to be negative polite and to engage in Fight response - which only gives psychopaths exacty what they need and want: constant attention, our loss of control and drama, conflict - which gives them energy in sick way.
Also by Fight response we over-generalize and then use it against good and nice people who may appear narcissistic to us at first - and this way we will destroy friendships and any normal contact - and in the end become abusers and toxic person ourselves - because we listen to narcissists such as Jordan Petersons and young hoodlum internet gurus who tell us to be strong, alpha, manly, macho and have teeth.
Due to lack of self love - we do not see it that with self love we would embrace our vulnerabilities and weaknesses, flaws and be fine with those - as long as we are not anti-social, there is nothing sick nor abnormal inside us.
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Narcissistic abuse itself - exposure to psychological abuse of narcissists is what caused our codependency issues, issues with lack of self love.
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I labeled this a fearful avoidant attachment style as social anxiety inside me. Then CBT (including industry self help books based on CBT) lead me astray by explaining that toxic people do not exist and that I must expose to toxic people in order to become de-sensitized. This ended up with me becoming people pleaser, fawning, more fearfully avoidant and detached - since toxic people are toxic, CBT cannot absolve them from their Cluster B urges.
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YT "How to Set Boundaries"
You are correct, it is not clear - because it depends on reaction of toxic people on the other side.
If we live in poor country with high unemployment, losing job due to standing up and protecting own sanity would lead to being unemployed for years, not having money to pay rent nor food - basically means becoming homeless and living off charity food and smell bed due to lack of hygiene and being attacked by random hooligans at living in the street.
So this boundaries topic is unconsciously connected to socio-economic issues.
We will sacrifice our boundaries for feeling of protection, safety and shelter, especially in sick and toxic ambient we might live in without means of escape or any kind of exit.
Another problem apart from socio-economic issues of toxic ambient are toxic people themselves.
Let's say we live in better ambient where we can actually change jobs when we are experiencing bullying and mobbing - then problem are toxic people. Cluster B monsters are excellent at manipulation, control, gaslighting, presenting themselves as victims - and without education about red flags and how to recognize psychopathy - we will be without boundaries - since we will be ashamed and guilt-tripped into not having any. This is especially true for covert narcissists and devious characters such as aggressive borderliners who use focused empathy to exploit and torture their targets.
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YT "How To Set Boundaries With Narcissists"
This information is about boundaries - most you tube videos ignore unfavorable Power Dynamics and they miss narcissistic abuse and hence we end up with information which does not work in real life.
This works.
"Give them an alternative that is easier for you. That's the boundary you have to hold as best as you can. If you are in unfavorable Power Dynamic situation they will bludgeon you. Blaming them will escalate and they will crush you."
I would like to add from my own experience that
1) I labeled this unfavorable Power Dynamics as Social anxiety my whole life. And I ended up with default CBT advice about social anxiety which is that toxic people do not exist, that I hallucinate them and that I must expose myself in order to de-sensitize - and I ended up being taken advantage of and manipulated and controlled by these cluster B monsters - and self pathologizing since I would believe that these people are normal and I am abnormal for having mistakes and being inept.
2) this will lead to traumatization. Long term exposure to narcissistic abuse leads to brain injury - google it. They are toxic for a reason - toxic ambient will create chasm inside our mind.
Effect of exposure to psychological, emotional, verbal abuse are hypervigilance, physical illness, self pathologizing, destruction of self worth and internalized toxic shame - which leads to symptoms of mental illness.
While going along with narcissists and appeasing them - is actually Fawn response in trauma. That is trauma bonding and people pleasing, being pushover.
And as it said in the video - we do not have alternative - we will get punished if we stand up for ourselves and engage in Fight response to abnormal people.
Narcissism is socio-economic problem, too - in toxic ambient, in poor countries - you do not have option to change job and you are stuck with someone who is abnormal, mentally ill, this will have effect in mental and physical sickness of the recipient, target of abuse.
The most devastating effect of trauma and exposure to narcissistic abuse is toxic shame being internalized - self pathologizing is after-effect where we feel unworthy, inept, guilty and weak and abnormal for not being able to stand up for ourselves.
So we are talking here about secondary acute problem which is destruction of self worth. Without self worth we will become zombie, shell of person, a cripple, like those drug addicts in Philadelphia - with immobility and without own goals, crouched, without hope, without direction, without our inner GPS.
Leaving narcissist ought to be our life project - think of it as escape from Nazi Germany and we are a Jew or gay or some stigmatized minority in Nazi regime. Staying in Nazism will not change psychopaths, we won't be their saviours - the escape is the only way to survive and heal.
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YT "Set boundaries now 🚫 #shorts"
" I'm suffering from setting boundaries for myself. I rely on people's validation."
Chances are you are in unfavorable Power Dynamic - someone who is psychopath and have weapons of manipulation, coercive control and punishments.
It is not your fault.
We were raised in such ambient - relentless criticism and we will attract toxic people since they will sniff our feeling guilty when setting boundaries.
Also chances are we are in toxic ambient, shame culture ambient which enforces us to feel bad when someone is hysterical - we end up with self pathologizing ourselves and this is secondary problem, which causes toxic shame being internalized - and our self worth gets destroyed.
Without self worth we are cripples - and we won't know how to set boundary - since we will have external reference locus of control and trauma bonding due to non existent self worth inside us.
I would start with self worth and validation.
Then the next thing would be a life project of leaving toxic ambient - for which we will need money and heavy deep knowledge of psychology, philosophy as resource to know how to handle manipulators and Cluster B monsters and their coercive control tactics. Due to Complex Trauma we have not acquired natural immunization when growing up - and now we have to mechanically pump up our immunity with education and knowledge and Humanistic psychology of self validation.
---
He does not mention narcissistic abuse nor Cluster B monsters nor Complex Trauma - so any advice about boundaries won't work in real life since it misses essential components why lack of boundaries occur in the first place.
---
(20.2.2023)
YT "how I cured my social anxiety (never shared this before)"
Social anxiety is not about talking to people, communicating - this is not primary concern in social anxiety.
Social anxiety can be functional - which means we can still have social anxiety and be outgoing, going to parties, talking and have excellent social and communication skills. The best example is Michael Jackson who had severe social anxiety in private yet he performed in front of billions of people without any hang-ups or bottlenecks. This is because social anxiety is part of Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD), it is result of exposure to abuse: verbal abuse, narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, mobbing and bullying over long period of time, invalidation while growing up, being exposed to criticism which was relentless 24/7, nitpicking our natural and normal mistakes as is they are catastrophe and equating our worth with our mistakes.
"I have been there, I can talk from my experience"
This is called egocentrism.
IT is narcissistic belief that our own experience is the same as for others and that what we label as social anxiety is medical term and that this bias and false explanation we believe to be true - we copy paste onto other people and we firmly believe other people live in exact circumstances and ambient as we do - so all people must feel the same things as we do because it was uncomfortable for us.
In reality - each experience is different and there are different ways how invalidation destroys our self worth and installs toxic shame inside us hence we end up with social anxiety issues.
"I didn't know how to talk"
Social anxiety is fear of punishment and negative reaction. Primary medical trait explanation of social anxiety is fear of negative evaluation and criticism from others. This means - we can talk when we are feeling safe. So you never had social anxiety at all. This sounds more like narcissism - because you perceive other people as narcissistic supply: something to manhandle, manipulate and control through talking and you obviously spend a lot of time comparing with other kids - which is another narcissistic trait - where you see and perceive life as battle, something to come out as a winner, better than the rest, where you are grandiose and where other people admire you.
"I told myself I just want a girlfriend"
Yep, narcissism. You see people as object. As a trophy - something to have, people are object to you. Something that you wear as badge - you do not see people as equal, something to give and take, share and love. You see girls as object to satisfy your needs and compare with other people around you - you do not see girlfriend as human being with their own needs and wants - you simply see them as supply for your selfish narcissistic needs.
This is not social anxiety. Social anxiety is fear that your girlfriend will poop in your bed, abuse you and sue your movie career and label you as rapist and destroy your image in public. That is social anxiety - it is related to narcissistic abuse - which people like you will likely to cause since you are egocentric and perceive social anxiety as annoyance, rules that are too much for your fragile or even non existent self worth to handle.
"If I talk to pretty girl"
that is sign of narcissism. You want prize. You want model. You want someone with pretty face so that you can have image for others to be impressed by you. You don't care about her feelings, needs, wants, her life, her fears, her problems - you only want porn image of grandiosity. That is narcissism. In real life you will become abuser since objects you have snapshot in your narcissistic mind will always fail you- since people are human beings with mistakes, flaws and problems and your selfish mind cannot handle this. Instead narcissists invent fantasy world where girls that are deserving to be with you must be super sexy porn model with pretty face and without problems. This is personality disorder - because this is not realistic mindset. This rigid fantasy idea that the life is cartoon snapshot is part of delusion and paranoia - which is set of narcissistic mindset - which needs psychiatry evaluation and treatment.
"Deep down I wanted to prove myself I can face fears"
Yes - you see people as objects that serve your narcissistic desire to appear strong, macho, grandiose, someone for others to worship. This is all narcissism. You never had true social anxiety, you had narcissistic injury and narcissistic mortification - which can feel like social anxiety.
"New interaction scared me"
Because of narcissism, not social anxiety.
You see people as objects and they inanimate objects become real when faced with real life - and this triggers your narcissistic injury.
"I thought I had to do all things - gym, muscle built, big business, prove something to everybody"
Narcissism. Not social anxiety.
"There is no amount self improvement that will fill void real life connection"
You are describing narcissism. Not social anxiety.
"Self improvement problem - if I make 6 figures, 7 will be enough"
Narcissism. And it doesn't work.
This is not social anxiety at all.
Socially anxious are afraid of hysterical, angry rude people. When you are obsessed with self improvement and grandiose fantasies - this is narcissism.
"Lay in bed and feel not enough"
Narcissism. Not social anxiety. Socially anxious are afraid of abuse, trauma, re-traumatization.
"I need to de-sensitize myself"
Narcissism again.
Idea is that you are not shy, vulnerable, needy. You want to build grandiose unreal image of superiority - which is rigid thinking. Rigid mindset is personality disorder.
"Alpha - they try to mask that."
Yep, you realized that narcissism is problem - but you never labeled it as narcissism, so you lack further education about what is incorrect thinking.
Social anxiety is part of abuse, it is result of being exposed to narcissistic abuse over long period of time.
Narcissism is also stemming from experience of narcissistic abuse - but the difference is that narcissists choose to appear superior and perceive vulnerabilities, mistakes, flaws as sissy, unmanly, weak and abnormal.
Problem is that narcissists are Dunning Krueger spokesmen while truly socially anxious ones shut up and keep quiet - since they are more intelligent. Then what happens is that 90 percent of social anxiety videos are not about social anxiety at all. They are actually about narcissism - and any advice and explanation is faulty and detrimental and confusing to truly socially anxious victims of abuse. Because you label social anxiety as sickness, something to overcome, destroy and cure.
While in reality social anxiety is reflex of abuse and inner mechanism which protects us from making fool out of ourselves.
---
IT is not about comparing.
It is about being in toxic ambient where we are in power dynamics which others compare us with narcissistic image of fantasy perfection - where we always fail this narcissistic image of perfection - so they criticize and nag and complain - and we end up with social anxiety.
WE are not the ones who compare nor initiate comparing.
---
YT "HOW TO MAKE ANXIETY STOP EXPLAINED IN 4 MINUTES!"
If we nitpick our subconsciousness - it will make fears worse. It is like urticaria allergy skin reaction - the more you scratch it, the worse it gets. PureOCD intrusive worry gets worse when we try to stop it and think about it and focus on it.
Idea that we label our subconsciousness as sickness, something to cure - we will create personality disorder because we won't trust our intuition, feelings and emotions - even when they are scary and come as warning and alarm.
"Prove subconsciousness these triggers are safe"
What if they are not safe?
What is we are abused? What if someone is rude aggressive and rude?
How to handle mobbing? Abuse? Bullying? Someone who is pathological liar and gives us false information and appear as friend but backstab us?
Instead of focusing and playing with our fears - I would rather become Sherlock Holmes and scientist and put ambient and other people in laboratory and check who is sick and abnormal, like movie with Kurt Russel where they test predator alien by testing their blood.
Social anxiety is called social for a reason- the source of anxiety is social. IT is not called self anxiety. Problem is in the social.
---
YT "If You Have Social Anxiety..."
We all create our own reality- all people create bias and quick explanations about life. This is not endemic to social anxiety. Check out empiricism quote down below.
We did not create fear mechanism - this is the sole purpose of the brain. Of all people. Not endemic to social anxiety. This fear mechanism was discovered by Darwin - that we adapt to predators. It is part of evolution. So feeling fears is not endemic to social anxiety at all - in fact it is core of DNA and it is 6 millions years old and it is the reason why we survived all predators in all those millions of years - brain functions are not to make us happy - it's job is to detect predators through system of fears.
"Stop focusing on size of your problems"
Social anxiety is part of abuse, it is result of abuse. It means we are in power dynamics where we are target of someone sadistic.
So we are not initiating focus on problems - someone narcissistic, abusive in authority is forcing us to focus on problems. Idea to self pathologize and self blame ourselves for reacting to abuse is path to personality disorder and toxic shame being internalized.
"Busy mind"
Instead of labeling our ability to think more as sickness - we must see it as part of intelligence. So you are not taking your own advice of focusing on you, you focus on problem (overthinking) and labeling it as sickness, something to destroy and stop. Check our Elain Aron quote about overthinking in toxic society quote down below.
"Be serious about your growth"
Maslow needs tell us if our basic needs are not met - we cannot built our self esteem nor self actualization. First we need to satisfy money, finances, shelter, friendships, connection, safety. Idea that we focus on our self esteem and mediation and spirituality is escapism and it won't work. No advice nor technique will help us to grow - if we are poor, without money, without safety, without shelter. These pressing basic Maslow needs must be satisfied first. If we make ourselves that we must be super confident - we will create more anxiety and fears - since we do not have basic Maslow needs met.
Also idea to be superior and grandiose is narcissism - where social anxiety is result of narcissistic abuse - so it is worth to learn more about what is narcissism - chances are we will be initiated into narcissism. Such as desire to be super confident and hide our vulnerabilities and mistakes.
---
YT "why do you have social anxiety in the first place"
"It is emotional response"
IT is part of Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD)
"Stage fright"
Performance anxiety is different from social anxiety.
"Similar to being shy"
Shy people adapt really fast to social situations, while social anxiety lingers. Social anxiety is rumination about event before, during and after.
Social anxiety stems from narcissistic abuse, being exposed to verbal and emotional abuse, mobbing and bullying.
Being sensitive to energies - stem from being exposed to narcissistic abuse while growing up; hysteria of someone in authority.
"It is brain thing, emotional"
If we decide to label our brain and emotions as sickness - we will develop personality disorder and deep toxic shame - and this will destroy our self worth - and it will lead to people pleasing and being pushover where we see other people as gods who command our life, and codependency.
"Become comfortable who you are"
You are contradicting yourself. How can we become comfortable with our brain which you labeled as sick and abnormal that is hallucinating reality?
"Social anxiety is self thing"
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety because it is social. It is not called self anxiety. Problem does not stem from self. The social element is the trigger of dysregulation. Social, not self.
---
YT "Yeah...overcoming social anxiety is difficult #anxiety"
Yep!
I would also add that we change our perception, understanding and explanations about social anxiety.
That we accept it. That we validate our social anxiety fears and panic and vulnerabilities - instead of trying to destroy them.
Social anxiety provide us to be and stay humble, vulnerable and open to others. It is mechanisms which keep us safe, provide us with hygiene, basic common sense, our moral and ethical values.
Without it we would become narcissistic toxic abusers and spread social anxiety onto the next generation.
The issues we struggle with are trauma, (CPTSD which is not the same as PTSD) - not social anxiety.
It appears as social anxiety because we learned during childhood to fuse and equate our emotions with our self worth - so we now as adults are codependent - because we fuse quickly other people's anger and mood swings as our responsibility and we believe we must fix them and feel good and happy only when others feel regulated. This is all part of abuse and exposure to abuse in early age when our persona and psyche was forming. We were not exposed to validation and self acceptance - so we never learned how to validate our emotions. Instead we learned to please other people and depend on other people to be our GPS, guide and commanders.
I see solution in humanistic psychology: that we work on our self worth and let self validation to guide us out of fear of what other people do.
---
YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety is not liking large groups #anxiety #socialanxiety #mentalhealth"
Yes¨!
This is Humanistic psychology in action.
It is idea that we start to realize what is our personality, our persona and character and de-fuse it away from expectations and labels of other people who explain us that we are weird if we do not like conformism and groupthink explanations about what is good.
If we are in toxic ambient, people around us will explain us that we are weird because we do not like social events which are annoying and irritating.
Then we will conclude that we are sick and that our dislike of large social events is sickness - and this will end up as toxic shame and personality disorder: because we want to have rigid mindset of comparing ourselves with toxic ambient and trying to fit in into someone's toxic definition what is normal and social and good.
---
YT "Social Anxiety? Try This! #socialanxiety #confidence #advice"
"Feeling social anxiety from time to time: normal. Totally normal. We all do. If you didn't, it would be a problem. It would be kind of a sociopath. A little bit of social anxiety is good. It helps our culture work. Too much is causing problem."
Yep!
When I wrote that All people have social anxiety at reddit main forum - my topic soon was deleted and I received hate comments that I lie and spread misinformation. I explained that people who do not have social anxiety or appear that they do not have - are abnormal and psychopathic.
So it is great that you agree with my point - later on I was even banned from reddit -
and this is example that without social anxiety we become sociopathic - we cannot tolerate different opinions even when they are not dangerous or rude - we delete and ban them - and this leads to culture of tyranny and narcissism, like in poor countries of the world where social anxiety is seen as being sissy, weak, unmanly, weird and abnormal, something to cure and destroy.
---
YT "Mental battle before doing an uncomfortable challenge for social anxiety #anxiety #mentalhealth"
This mental battle yes-no happens due to Dualism.
Double binding.
Which means - anything we do will be criticized and mocked and attacked by someone.
Toxic people simply need to criticize anything and they will always find faults with something. This way they induce fear, guilt and shame in their targets - and empaths and HSPs are excellent target to hypnotize into submission since we will believe and trust others easily. We won't believe that someone can be evil and have hidden agenda to exploit others or simply be sadistic enough to enjoy harming others for the fun of it.
I even made a list of double bindings at my blog.
I'll put some of them here:
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YT "How to overcome Social Anxiety in 3 steps #socialanxiety #anxiety #mentalhealth #selfloveisimportant"
I would add that uncomfortable challenges - we check them out if
1) these are aligned with our persona, character, goals, needs, wants, desires, volunteering, helping someone OR is it part of trying to crap fit into groupthink, trying to impress someone, trying to please someone
2) if we are guilt tripping ourselves and placing shame onto us, that we label ourselves as sick and abnormal and that explanation being the sole reason to "go outside of our comfort zone" - is not good, it is not healthy.
---
YT "If you have social anxiety #anxiety #socialanxiety"
"thinking of my insecurities, inadequacies, instead feel like it is grounding, you orientate to social situation"
This is incorrect information.
Socially anxious people are already zoomed onto other people. In fact it is zoomed to much, like with a microscope.
This happens because social anxiety is after-effect of abuse, bullying and mobbing over long period of time (Complex trauma which is not the same as PTSD). So we naturally focus on other people and look for signs of new abuse, new trauma, new sudden attack and aggression.
That is why social anxiety is called social. It is not called self anxiety. It is called social+anxiety because of social element. Social is causing anxiety, not our self mind.
Abuse caused social anxiety- we did not invent our fears, panic did not fall out of heaven.
If it did - we would be scared all the time, even in safe environment. Social anxiety by definition is fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
Social anxiety is not fear of our reactions to abuse.
The idea to self pathologize ourselves and blame ourselves that we are paranoid and hallucinating abuse leads to personality disorder and toxic shame being internalized - where we will believe that fears and panic are sign of us being abnormal, weak, stupid, inept. And that is result of abuse - someone untreated mentally ill warned us about our mistakes - and now we blame ourselves when someone is angry, rude and abnormal: codependency - where we feel afraid when someone is erratic and hysterical or potentially can become one.
Narcissistic abuse caused social anxiety.
This means - narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths will feel social anxiety - and they will label their fears as sickness, something that makes them vulnerable, they will spread idea that social anxiety is shameful, something to destroy, remove and reject - since Dark triad wants to be superior and grandiose, without negative emotions which would ruin this superior fake image of superiority.
Without social anxiety we would become narcissists and toxic ourselves - we would not care about others, we would not allow ourselves to have mistakes and be vulnerable - and this leads to isolation and inability to form any kind of social contact since rigid mindset is always sign of mental illness and personality disorder.
---
YT "How To Get Over Social Anxiety"
"Freestyle, lose yourself in the moment."
I like that.
But it's not full package.
Social anxiety has many faces. Talking is only one small part of it.
Social anxiety can be Functional - this means we can have social skills and talking - and still have social anxiety issues present inside.
This is because social anxiety is alarm warning system - that we were exposed to narcissistic abuse while growing up: invalidation and constant relentless criticism 24/7 about smallest and innocuous totally irrelevant mistakes in age when our psyche was forming and when mistakes are natural and normal part of growing up and learning about anything in life.
"When you become confident - say it from heart it clicks, when you say it timidly doesn't click"
Go deeper.
Who defines the click?
Who are the people who label something as the click?
Without realizing it, you place a lot of value and superiority in certain group of people - and you depend on their approval, appraisal and their validation.
Technically speaking this is called narcissism - where we believe we must be grand and people must approve us and we depend on approval of others. So we must never be nerd.
This is personality disorder mindset - because people are not labels.
People are human beings- they are flexible and change over time, during the day.
We are not cardboard figure or object or movie character that is static and superior and grand all the time.
Sometimes we are vulnerable. Sometimes we make mistake. Sometimes we say something stupid. This does not make us stupid, weak or inept - it is simply human experience.
The idea that we must appear macho, alpha, strong - is mental sickness, this is abnormal. It is rigid belief that we are a label and it serves purpose that other people admire us. This is dysfunctional because in real life - we have areas in our life where we are macho and apha and super confident - and yet there are areas where we do not have confidence, we don't have knowledge nor experience yet. And that is normal, total normal human condition. When we are narcissistic - we will try to appear strong and alpha and confident all the time - and soon enough we will resort to abuse and criminal activities to achieve power, fame, fortune and admiration - all stemming from desire to be validated from others and deep toxic shame which we cover up by appearing confident.
If we are sensitive since this is our character - it is bad and unhealthy idea to self pathologize ourselves because of it and try to crap fit into groupthink and conformism.
The fact we feel social anxiety means we have moral and ethical code and empathy.
We live in sick toxic society filled with desire to exploit other people and destroy anyone who appears not strong. Sociopathy and narcissism is by definition where charisma, glib charm and self improvement is nothing but mental illness really.
We need to accept ourselves - be authentic - along with our fears and panic and anxiety.
Without social anxiety we would become abusers and toxic abnormal psychopaths.
---
(21.2.2023)
YT "I Studied CONFIDENCE In Thousands Of Clients & Learned This..."
There is concept called "Power Dynamics" - when it is unfair - oppressor is real.
I would contest that all people feeling not good enough are in this unfair power dynamics.
When we stand up for ourselves, when we are authentic - we will get fired from the job. If we live in poor countries like Balkans - we won't get another job . Even current job will not cover your current expenses to begin with. Oppressing is real, unfortunately. Punishment is real. Abuse is real.
Abuse can be covert - and idea that we blame ourselves for oppression then leads to self pathologizing - which will destroy self worth. Without self worth we are cripples.
Also another thing is that glib charm and charisma are traits of psychopaths - that's the way how they manipulate and control other people - so super confidence is tool for Dark Triad - it is not real, it does not exist in real life naturally - it is construct tool, mechanism to exploit others.
Toxic people exist - they accuse us of untrue things, they exploit our moral and ethical standards and use them against ourselves - in order to evoke shame, guilt over our natural normal daily mistakes presented as catastrophe and harm sprinkled with hysteria and temper tantrums to make themselves as victims and us as oppressors. Over and over again.
I agree that validation and acknowledgment is great -
and that we must be authentic and true and honest -
yet validation and being authentic is only possible when we become aware that toxic people and oppressors exist - it is not being victim if we are aware of toxic people who abuse their authority power to be sadistic.
If we deny this in order not to be victim - nothing will change. We will enable toxic people to be toxic.
We won't plan our exit. We will stay stuck in toxic jobs and around aggressive borderliners who pretend to be our empathic helpful friends only to regularly mock and attack us when their mood swings kicks in.
Looking for problem and find it - does not apply when problems are created and forced by external factor.
Then problem exists - it would be highly ineffective and harmful to ignore that this real problem exist.
Some problems do not have solution. Some problems cannot be let go. Some problems will be problems even when we do the most perfect solution and the most perfect non mistaken reaction.
Social conditioning is not a bad thing.
It will began to be problem when it becomes avoidance and agoraphobia and codependency (depending on other people good emotions to feel good ourselves). Otherwise social conditioning will provide us to take care of our hygiene, our kindness, our empathy, volunteering and beating egocentrism and self absorption.
---
(22.2.2023)
YT "♨️SHORT: Fear Of *CONFRONTING* Others"
Negative politeness - trying not to hurt someone's feelings by keeping objections to ourselves.
Fawning - trauma response.
I would add Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD) is behind it. CPTSD is recognized by WHO's ICD-11 while CBT and DSM bans trauma information due to Pharma mafia making money on our neurosis.
Finally, fear of confrontation based on Complex PTSD is at the heart of Social anxiety. Whereas CBT defines social anxiety as hallucination and that we can magically change toxic people by messing up with our thinking (ABC Model) - which only leads to personality disorder, self blame, more toxic shame and self pathologizing.
I see validation of our fears and triggers as a way to understand our fears stem from conditioning and programming, we were programmed to be afraid. Ethically incorrect but very resourceful Little Albert experiment showed that fears are learned - we are not born with the fear of confrontation nor social anxiety.
We are programmed to have extreme toxic sense of responsibility, duty, obligation and servitude which translates as fear of conflict and confrontations.
This makes us prize trophy for toxic people to abuse control and manipulate around.
---
YT "Never fear the acts of confrontation. #apopka #awakenedhealing #resilience #knowyourself"
I agree we must warn and alert difficult and abnormal predators when they cross our boundaries.
With our silence we enable them in their abuse and abnormality.
However - people have fears of confrontation due to two critical reasons which need our understanding in order to avoid self-pathologizing and developing severe personality disorder:
1) fears are learned. IF we have fear of confrontation - this is learned fear. We were exposed to psychological abuse while growing up where we were criticized 24/7 instead of being validated. This happens when untreated mentally ill person who is mimicking being normal and is in authority and commands over our safety and well-being without us being able to escape the madness.
Which leads to second reason
2) unfair Power Dynamics - if we live in poor ambient, toxic ambient - chances are we will be surrounded by criminal abnormal toxic predators who exert power over resources -
which means we will probably depend on money resources, toxic job to keep our basic Maslow needs met such as shelter, security and safety.
This means - fear of confrontation literally is defense mechanism which protects us from becoming homeless and without food and target of violent hooligans out in the street when we become homeless due to inability to pay the rent and have roof over our heads.
If we decide to stand up for ourselves -
in childhood we were punished.
As adults - we will get fired from our jobs - which means we need to have money to confront other people. Without socio-economic status checked - we don't have much option but to live with fear of confrontation. If we decide to beat ourselves up, we will self pathologize ourselves and end up with mental illness and severe personality disorder - since we will make ourselves believe that we can change our thoughts to be strong and then magically succeed in life - which is simply not realistic, and that fantasy belief is path to schizophrenia.
We need to validate ourselves, not create false narcissistic superiority figure which is antagonistic and screams around at people at random to prove our superior strength and supposed macho ego.
---
YT "Forgiving yourself"
"Self forgiveness in regards to past mistakes and failures. "
I like this. This is Humanistic psychology - self acceptance and self validation.
This is extremely confusing topic for people who were invalidated in their childhood (exposed to relentless criticism 24/7 over our innocuous little insignificant mistakes which were labeled as catastrophe).
So validation will be strange mysterious word which conflicts with years of internalized toxic shame and toxic society which programmed us that we must feel guilty and shame if we have fears, panic or anything which narcissistic world labels as sissy, weak, unmanly or any other toxic masculinity label.
It will be extremely hard to accept our panic and what we have been repeatedly told and mocked as weakness and totally unacceptable - ingrained programming and belief which keeps us in social anxiety intrusive worry cycles.
---
YT "Learning not to take things personally"
For me learning intrinsic locus of control helped me to realize the reason why I take things personally: due to External referencing locus of control.
Another concept which helped me was Trauma bonding - where complex PTSD (which is not the same as PTSD) explains that we will form attachment with other people who must order and control and command our opinions and actions to keep us safe.
Third concept which helped me was Codependency concept - which means that we base our mood of other people - how they feel - and we will try to fix other people's mood swings in order to feel good about ourselves.
---
YT "HOW To Deal With NEGATIVE People (Here's What I Do...)"
I call them toxic people, predators, narcissists, aggressive borderliners, parasites, Cluster B monsters, emotional vampires, abusers, bullies, controllers, Dark Triad, manipulators, Machiavellians.
Criticism is important only from the aspect where we are warned that we are doing something wrong.
Glasser actually made a difference about it - where he made point that criticism can come in a shape of Negotiation and Supporting - where we understand we are on par with other person - so there is no unfair Power Dynamics to exploit others and be tyrannical.
He said:
Controlling Habits:
Blaming
Criticizing
Complaining
Nagging
Rewarding To Control
Threatening
Punishing
William Glasser
William Glasser "What's my Choice" Connecting Habits:
Listening
Supporting
Encouraging
Negotiating
Respecting
Accepting
Trusting
Normal, healthy, sane people are focused on the task on the common goal, on resolution, to find solutions.
Toxic people are focused only on power dynamics, on one-up-manship where they must be grandiose and admired and feared by others.
Unfortunately talk with negative toxic people is failed to start with. Toxic people live in a fantasy world where they take a snapshot of reality and react to this fantasy idea of how world ought to be (Sam Vaknin, Richard Grannon).
We all have frames to perceive reality - all of us cannot grasp reality - but toxic people are sick in the head, they are greedy and predatory because they see the world as battle - there is no place for love, understanding and especially not for interdependence.
So what happens when you talk to them - they do not listen to you.
They cannot understand what you speak because they are in the state of mild schizophrenia - where their brain is interpreting your image as cardboard figure, they do not see you as person, human being They see you as object to manhandle, use, abuse, honey moon period worship and then devalue and reject. The negative moods and devaluation is their mode of dysfunction.
You are correct that we need to cut contact with such people however in real life there are unfair Power dynamics - where we cannot leave those people and even more so we are forced to be in contact with them (due to money, immobility, third party, service, help, documents) - and we are forced to spend 10, 20 years with them.
So idea that we force ourselves to believe we are guilty for not leaving them is horrible self pathology. Instead of this "leave them" advice - I would rather explain and understand concept of Validation.
You are correct that we become negative and toxic ourselves.
This happens due to Colonization, Entrainment thinking - (Sam Vaknin, Richard Grannon talked about this concept) - because exposure to evil people is initiation to evil - emotions are contagious. Like air borne virus - we caught it - it is not our fault. We did not invite it - it simply floats around in ambient at random. So once again - I would avoid self pathologizing approach to blame ourselves for sticking around toxic people. We simply do not have money to remove ourselves from toxic country, toxic people, toxic ambient. This is not our fault. Idea that we feel guilt and blame for being stuck with toxic people will end up as personality disorder and eventually as schizophrenia.
The same goes with people pleasing. When we stop people pleasing in unfair power dynamics - we will lose our jobs and we will be in danger. Femicide statistics show what happens when marital partner stop people pleasing. So once again - this is tricky "advice".
If we decide to label our fawning trauma response called people pleasing as our fault and something to remove - we might make things much worse then before.
You are correct that self worth issues are the problem related to fawning and exposure to toxic people -
however self worth does not mean blaming ourselves, it doesn't mean changing our personality (agreeableness) and replacing it with rigid persona.
Any rigid mindset is a path to mental illness.
The idea that we become strong narcissistic cold non emotional cardboard figure - is toxic, it leads to narcisissim.
Our emotions are normal and fine - there is nothing to change. The only problem are abusers who choose to abuse and who take advantage of capitalism and Catholic church hierarchy toxic mindset to abuse other people around who are in "lower" positions.
If we are not anti-social, if we are not serial killers, if we have no hidden agenda to harm other people - there is nothing sick in our persona. There is nothing to fix, and that includes people pleasing.
Without people pleasing and agreeableness we would never form close romantic and business contact which is sustainable and normal and healthy.
---
(film boards)
"Moonwalker : Functional Social anxiety example"
Michael Jackson had a severe social anxiety. I mention him often in my weekly you tube round up commentaries for "Social anxiety" videos where 90% of posters claim that social anxiety is lack of confidence.
Nope.
Social anxiety can be functional - and Michael is perfect example. He performed in front of billions of people without any problem, he made big bucks, he was famous world wide- and he still is - yet his social anxiety trauma (CPTSD) was still locked inside him.
In this particular documentary movie we can see the mind of regular person with social anxiety -
you are being obsessed by being in clash with some random gangs,
someone on the street can shoot at you at any time
toxic person is screaming and yelling and harms kids and adults -
these are all themes of social anxiety and how socially anxious see and perceive the world due to exposure to narcissistic abuse, bullying, mobbing and trauma of toxic society that explains that our fears and anxieties are signs of our weakness and we must fix them - only to make anxiety worse.
His depiction of gigantic steel titanium robot that crash evil people is common dysfunctional fantasy of social anxious - and actually narcissists themselves stem from social anxiety feelings, which they resolve by building grandiose fake persona and fantasy world with rigid mindset.
Twitter tweet from The Simpsons crew claimed/told how in 1993 when they had talks with Michael for the episode where he was suppose to star - the crew came to his come a little bit early before the actual meeting time - and Michael did not talk to them, not because he was rude - he was painfully shy. That is social anxiety, severe type.
So although typical generic role type of social anxiety is isolation and poverty - this view is incorrect - and social anxiety can be functional - but it does not mean that Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD) is healed. And Michael is example how unhealed trauma can end with tragedy.
It is also nice detail - how with social anxiety we are extremely scared of criticism and negative evaluation - yet in his Leave me alone video shown in this movie - we can see that he was exposed to unfair and hard criticism and slander by newspapers. It is that our fears will follow us and attract us no matter what - and that no amount of money or fame nor fortune can help us become immune to criticism. In fact - fame and fortune will only make criticism and negative evaluation (core of social anxiety) more worse. That is why it is important to recognize that faulty and detrimental CBT "advice" to expose and face our fears - will not help us with social anxiety at all. It will only make us lobotomized to immobility, yet trauma will still stay present inside our bodies.
Instead of CBT I would encourage anyone with social anxiety trauma to check Humanistic psychology and humanistic therapies - as validation is anti-dote to social anxiety trauma (which is invalidation trauma).
---
(24.2.2023)
YT "How to set boundaries with narcissists guilt-free"
Sam Vaknin and Richard Grannon talked about this - this is called entrainment, colonization of our mind.
When we are in contact with difficult Cluster B predator parasites, we are initiated into evil, our mind get en sync with all people - and this also includes someone who is mentally ill and abnormal - and we will natural get contagious with emotions from other people. With abuse there is element of conditioning and programming, Skinner's box, Pavlovian dog, circus training, operand conditioning - where through sets of punishments, verbal abuse and screaming we are hypnotized into mental illness.
---
YT "Express Your BOUNDARIES! ⚠️"
People who have issues with boundaries are extremely tolerant about misbehaviour and toxic behaviour. They can handle a lot of pressure and unfair situations and someone's greed and intrusion.
So - those boundaries, when we need to express them - these are social contract issues - something that we all learn in kindergarten and school.
This means - if we come to the point where we need to explain an adult person about the difference between criminal behaviour, abusive behaviour, abnormal psychopathy - it is pointless - since this person is abnormal and anti-social to begin with. They will simply not listen to us, they live in schizophrenia, invented fantasy world of delusions and we are inanimate cardboard snapshot of an object to them.
Problem with expressing boundaries hence only boil down to unfair Power Dynamics-
where we are not problem at all.
Our expression or not expression of boundaries are not problem at all.
The one and only problem is the abuser who consciously choose to abuse and they don't care about their consequences -
since we are stuck with them due to unfair Power dynamics:
- such as having toxic job in poor country where another job is not viable alternative since there is none
- depending on third party - having kids with someone abusive
- someone psychopathic which can end up as Femicide if we lay boundaries
- depending on basic need where toxic person is proxy - such at obtaining important document, shelter, some material possession required and needed at that moment etc.
The worst thing we can do in such unfair dynamics is to blame ourselves and place unfair judgement that our behaviour or lack of it - causes someone's abuse.
This belief will destroy our self worth and set us up to trauma bond with others - depend on their emotions that we must fix - or to build wall where we invest our time, money and focus in monitoring this person and their actions and opinions all the time.
---
(27.2.2023)
YT "How Mindfulness Can Improve Social Anxiety | Overcome Social Anxiety"
"Within you"
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety. Problem is in the social. It is not called self-anxiety. Problem is not self. Problem is social: toxic people, unfair power dynamics.
"Tormenting ourselves with inner chatter"
Stems from gaslighting, external factor. Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD).
"Overwhelming emotions result from these thoughts"
Stems from coercive control caused by abuser. Not us.
"Space detach you from chatter aware of those thoughts"
Dissociation is defense mechanism. Lobotomy will not allow us to react to toxic people.
Suppressing emotions is not healthy, and it leads to mental illness.
"Most from fear comes from fears of past and future, miss present moment"
Nope. If this was true - problem would not be criticism and negative evaluation which is basic definition of social anxiety. Fear of not being perfect.
"Inhibit our personal growth and potential"
Focusing on our fears and building walls is not focusing on our goals at all. Ironically suppressing negative emotions will not make them go away. Instead what happens is we will lose money, focus, energy on building these walls.
"Socially anxious are self conscious, not really away of other person"
This is due to research based on narcissists, borderliners, Cluster B monsters who mimic social anxiety in order to gain narc supply: other people. They became spokesmen for truly socially anxious. Ironically these abusers are the cause of social anxiety in their targets they choose to abuse.
Truly socially anxious person is extremely aware of other person. They are zoomed on others - due to trauma and past abuse, bullying and mobbing - so now it is about seeking and looking at other person: how they speak, tone of voice, how they act, potential back stabbing which could be prevented by microscopically following other person. That is social anxiety.
Self conscious then it would be called self-anxiety - since we would be preoccupied with self conscious issues.
"Internal information which they believe"
All people do this. This is not endemic to social anxiety.
"Use feelings how they feel"
All people do this. This is not endemic to social anxiety.
Clark is pathologizing socially anxious - victims of abuse and label them as paranoid nuts who are hallucinating their abuse. This is why anti-psychiatry was invented in 1960s. Abused victims and targets of abuse seek psychological help - and then CBT explains them that they are crazy and paranoid and that their emotions are problems - not toxic people.
"Self compassion is also important"
You are contradicting yourself.
Self compassion means accepting our emotions and panic - not denying it, ignoring it or suppressing it or invalidating it - as we were invalidated through abuse which caused social anxiety in the first place.
---
YT "Biggest Mistakes When Battling Social Anxiety! ⚠️"
Hypnosis. Conditioning.
People are not aware of their fears. And they let society define their fears and reasons and explanations.
Amazingly enough I discovered this "trail of whys" technique very early on. It was described in a book called Self Esteem I think, and there was description that we got to the root cause what does it mean - asking it over and over again.
I did this line of questioning - and I realized - at the bottom line it was fear of what other people think of me.
At the time I did not know the concept of codependency - I never encountered back then this concept, still not described. The closest description was Toxic shame by Bradshaw and his book was jumble and quick descriptions which did not help much to understand each issue separately - so this codependency was undiscovered country which I knew it exists.
Now I know this codependency means being obsessed by other people's emotions, reactions and opinions - automatically. It is beyond logic - it is called trauma bonding, Charcot Hysteria, External referencing locus of control.
At the time there was DSM diagnosis in Dependency - however it did not explain this hurtful and painful stuck and immobility issues with other people's moods. Dependency in DSM is described as feeling inept and depending on other people to tell you what to do - which is not exactly the same as codependency.
Codependency is much more serious and deeper.
When we have this codependency issues - it always go with side dishes: ACE and being child of alcoholic - we were raised in toxic ambient where we learned, we were programmed to be disciplined through other people's moods and attempts to evade someone's anger.
Many people have no idea that constant relentless criticism is psychological abuse and this leads to trauma and social anxiety. Due to punishment and conditioning we have veil over our eyes and do not see the reality - since the programming and conditioning is compromised through sets of self blame and guilt tripping ourselves for any issues that will occur in life. Whatever happens - we are always guilty ones. That is trauma issue - where trauma is unprocessed exposure to abuse - and we turn this into our guilt and shame, where we depend on other people to guide us and explain our emotions to us and tell us what to do.
The worst part of it all is that due to this conditioning - we will attract toxic people who will exploit our triggers and flashbacks to control us. We will believe we are inept and hang onto toxic habits, toxic emotions, toxic people and toxic circumstances -since they will feel like home to us, familiar crap that we fit into.
---
YT "
meet:
your social anxiety
"
Social anxiety can be Functional.
We can go to parties, meet new people.
We can talk to people - without any issues - and social anxiety still be present inside since it is Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD).
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety yet his was Functional, too - he performed in front of billions of people, made music videos and movies without any social anxiety visible problems that would hamper his work.
Social anxiety is not only parties.
It stems from ACE - free test is available online - check your ACE level as the first step.
Then it will be clear why we have triggers and flashbacks and intrusive PureOCD thoughts as depicted in the video.
People exposed to abuse will be conditioned to have social anxiety. Fear was conditioned into us, programmed like circus animals or Skinner's box.
We were hypnotized into social anxiety -
social anxiety is alarm that allows us to detect toxic people easily and reject any close interaction with them systematically.
Deciding to see social anxiety as problem and something disgusting or annoying will lead to personality disorder, narcissism - if we decide to built fake superior image of perfectionism - it is rigid and it will lead to criminal behaviour and pathology and a lot of destroyed relationships.
Deciding to validate our fears and trauma as result of being abused - and seeing toxic people as the only problem here to learn how to handle difficult people - self validation is the only healing and healthy option for us.
---
People respond to triggers either with hyperarousal or hypoarousal (dissociation) - appearing calm at outside, brewing explosions - implosions inside.
Check out google images for
Polyvagal theory
---
YT "Social Anxiety Triggers Are Revealing What Still Needs Healing 👀"
Abusers abuse. Their abuse is not our choice. We did not trigger their choice nor their decision to abuse.
When social anxiety is present - our first step would be to take ACE test to check out our triggers roots.
Then - it will be clear to us that the idea from CBT that we pathologize our symptoms and blame ourselves is repetition of the original abuse and trauma. Blaming ourselves and our panic and our thoughts which are natural and normal reaction to abuse - leads to personality disorder - because we will negate, ignore, stifle down our worth and our validation about what happened to us in the past.
With destroyed self worth and hence with plethora of toxic shame issues such as self blame - we will attract new toxic people - which will destroy our worth daily - and it will feel natural and normal to us that someone is abusive - and we will blame ourselves in the cycle of perpetual trauma and abuse.
---
YT "These tips helped CURE my social anxiety"
Social anxiety by clinical definition is fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
Social anxiety is not mere shyness.
IF you decide to label your introversion - which is not sickness - as pathology - you will develop anxiety, described in your video - which is totally natural reaction to self abuse and self pathologizing your persona due to idea that we must fit into sick society norms about what is worthy and accepted by masses.
This leads to personality disorder because you try to crap fit into social constructs, conformism and groupthink.
"Judge me, dislike me in general"
This is shyness mixed with your toxic shame and self hatred for being introvert in extrovert ambient.
Social anxiety is specific: it is negative evaluation from others and their criticism.
True social anxiety is Complex Trauma - it stems from covert psychological abuse while growing up - like constant criticism about anything, any mistake and any action.
This can be tested with ACE test.
So before gym, long walks, journaling - it would be totally good idea to check ACE levels - since this will explain brain fog, ideas, intrusive thoughts, self abuse, self blame, panic.
I would lay off from self pathologizing and trying to nitpick our symptoms -
instead I would focus on external factor: toxic people like Cluster B monsters who are true cause of social anxiety trauma and social anxiety panic in their random targets of abuse.
---
YT "CONSISTENT practice is the best thing you can do for social anxiety & mental health #mentalhealth"
Exposing won't help if we don't have money enough to expose to all our fears.
Also,
if we decide to wage war against our fears - we will create more fears and more panic - this phenomena is called Ironic Process Theory.
Without realizing it - we create our fears to be our gods - something to compare with, something to make our days, something that we focus on all the time.
So instead of our goals, wishes, needs - we make our fears to determine our next step. That is unhealthy and
fear is irrational, it is paradox. Paradox means it is part of infinity - there is no end, there is no conclusion, there is no resolution.
Social anxiety is Complex trauma - it stems from abuse. Toxic people caused our social anxiety issues -
toxic people are problem, not our mind. There is nothing to fix inside us. The cause of panic is external, I call it External factor.
Learning more about Narcissistic abuse will help us recognize red flags, cut contact with toxic people and learn how to handle unfavorable power dynamics where toxic people abuse our position where we cannot cut contact and simply leave toxic ambient.
---
"Umm whats social anxiety plssss answer
"
Social anxiety is normal feeling of shame and embarrassment and or having fear of making mistakes in front of other people.
It is not the same as shyness - but it overlaps in many areas with shyness.
Social anxiety thinking pattern, feeling and reaction helps us to take care of our hygiene - because without it we would smell BO because other people's emotions and opinions about our smell would not bother us..
With social anxiety you make yourself presentable when seeking job or asking for some information by someone who is moody and angry all the time.
So social anxiety help us to use techniques and actions which help us get along with difficult and angry people or people who might reject us due to power dynamics where they are in decision making process about who gets some information, help, service, document, money or any other resource.
Social anxiety is not disorder, it is not sickness.
IT is reaction to sick, greedy and mentally ill society and people who are sadistic or even normal but decide our our faith - like holding or getting a job.
Social anxiety becomes problem when we start to label our reactions as sickness and when we listen to CBT that our emotions are hallucination and sick and that we must be happy and cheerful all the time, and that we must engage in assertiveness with sadistic Cluster B monsters.
CBT is main and default therapy for social anxiety issues - and it is based on covert self pathologizing and pharma mafia making money on our neurosis and fears.
CBT will explain that our fears and anxiety stem from our delusions and paranoid fantasies and that abusers do not exist. CBT will perform lobotomy on us with ABC Method - where we are told that we can influence and change other people with the magical powers of our thinking - which actually leads to schizophrenia at worst and severe fawning (people pleasing and being pushover) at best case.
All industry self help books are based on CBT. All main google search results are based on CBT, and 90 percent of you tube random videos about social anxiety is based on CBT.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology which actually works - it is based on self validation, self love and self acceptance.
Social anxiety stems from complex trauma - which means that we were exposed to covert psychological abuse in times of our childhood when our psyche was forming and when we were suppose to learn how to handle difficult people without self blaming and self pathologizing us.
Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD) is banned by CBT and DSM, however WHO's ICD-11 recognized CPTSD as real concept.
DSM is American corporate money profit list of psychological issues created by corrupt medical industry based on profit, while ICD is its healthy alternative.
Cluster B are personality types of emotional vampires, parasites, abusers, toxic people who love drama and who love hurting other people just for the fun of it and getting energy from harming others in whatever way it is possible - covertly or overtly.
---
YT "Social Anxiety seeming like don't like people"
Shyness is not the same as social anxiety.
Social anxiety can be Functional - where we don't have issues with people yet social anxiety is still present.
Like Michael Jackson or Cher who had severe social anxiety yet performed in front of billions of people without anyone noticing they have social anxiety issues inside them.
Shyness goes away on its own.
Social anxiety is reaction to toxic people and toxic ambient and exposure to covert psychological abuse while growing up. This means social skills and talking are not social anxiety or even shyness -if we are not all the time around people - we don't have particular "skills" in particular sets of ambient simply because we are not there physically 24/7, not because we are sick or abnormal or that we cannot be taught of these magical "skills".
The idea that we self pathologize our fears, panic and trauma leads to self hated, self invalidation, re-traumatization, more of hypervigilance and intrusive thoughts cycles. So I would lay off from self invalidation and self blame.
Social anxiety stems from exposure to Cluster B monsters, toxic ambient, external factor.
Social anxiety is mimicked by narcissists and other Cluster B abnormal lunatics like aggressive borderliners - who use social anxiety to attract nice, sensitive people by pretending to be victim and to be sensitive - as a way to lure in easy victims: abuse victims without boundaries and lonely desperate people seeking contact and someone nice - they will wear mask of being normal and nice - and we will form contact with them - only to end up being abused by them in the end - and thinking we are guilty ones, too sensitive.
These covert narcissists who pretend to have social anxiety can be easily seen at the main reddit forum for social anxiety.
---
YT "This job could be a good challenge for your social anxiety #anxiety"
I would encourage anyone with social anxiety to take ACE test and see that panic and anxiety stems from childhood trauma. Test is fast and free and banned by CBT and DSM since it is easier to make profit for pharma mafia by not telling us the whole truth about trauma and toxic people in this world.
---
YT "My story with social anxiety and how I overcome it @Youfirst337 Podcast EP3"
Social anxiety can be Functional yet still present.
Like Michael Jackson who had severe social anxiety in private, whole performing without problems in front of billions.
So we can speak without issues - and still social anxiety can be present.
The fact that awkward lack of talking is not present does not mean that social anxiety is overcome issue simply because we can "talk".
Physical symptoms are not the only thing about social anxiety. Worrying also is not only facet of social anxiety.
Social anxiety cannot be caused by genetics because - social anxiety would be much more prevalent, it would not be focused on negative criticism.
We are conditioned to feel fear - this was found out by a series of discoveries after discovery by serios of unethical social experiments in early 20th century like Little Albert experiment.
Think about it logically - social anxiety start in our teen years when we are bullied. We are not born socially anxious - society teaches us to be scared of punishment.
That is why social anxiety is called social+anxiety - anxiety cause is social.
It is not called self anxiety. Our panic and anxiety stems from being triggered by something - criticism and toxic people. IT is seesaw effect - pressing and pushing on one side - come up and spring up as social anxiety inside us.
If we are hallucinating social anxiety - we would have far more series and deeper other issues than fear of potential criticism.
Idea that we change our mindset leads to personality disorder - because we will signal our brain that we are inept and stupid and that we cannot rely on our instinct that toxic people exist and that we must crap fit into abuse.
Idea to try to focus on something leads to OCD - since now we will have ritual, mechanical nitpicking of our mind- and this will always end up as mental illness since this is rigid mindset.
We live in fuzzy logic and everchanging society and world - so fixed reaction to life leads to disorder.
More exposed to abuse will not help not to be abused.
So de-sensitization can be dangerous. This way we can end up supporting serial killers like Putin and hence enable their criminal activities, just for the sake of feeling happy and chirpy all the time.
Social anxiety is part of Complex trauma (CPTSD) - this information is banned by CBT due to pharma mafia making money on our neurosis and being target of abuse.
Abusers abuse - because they choose to harm other people -
there is nothing we can do to prevent this by nitpicking our thinking or pretending to have fake narcissistic mask of superiority and confidence - which is mental illness.
---
YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety: Rocking Your Interview Like a Pro!"
Presentation anxiety is not the same as social anxiety.
Plus -
Breathing techniques actually leave us with many more anxious issues (now additional and even new ones) due to unintentional signal to our brain that we are in some kind of danger which we must force to be calmed and perfect and without mistakes - and this phenomena to stop certain thinking only to backfire with more of it - is called Ironic Process Theory.
Any reaction to anxiety leads to OCD issues.
---
YT "Uncovering the Truth Behind Social Anxiety Disorder: What You Need to Know"
Social anxiety is not the same as social anxiety disorder.
Social anxiety is normal feeling and thinking related to appearing nice and without making mistakes.
Without it we would smell like BO because we wouldn't care what other people think of our appearance or smell.
Without it we would not prepare for job interview since we would not be afraid of being rejected.
Social anxiety becomes problem when is it part of Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD).
Trauma means that we were exposed to covert psychological abuse while growing up when we were suppose to learn how to handle difficult people, bullies and pathological liars without self blame or self pathologizing ourselves as we learned with untreated mentally ill people around us.
Instead of CBT list, I would rather encourage anyone with social anxiety issues to take free and fast ACE test - which will display that social anxiety stems from childhood abuse, usually by being in toxic ambient and alcoholic adults around us.
Social anxiety trauma is result of abuse, bullying, mobbing -
our panic symptoms are only small part of it. If we decide to nitpick and make fuss about our panic - we will self pathologize ourselves and create personality disorder - since we will try to reject our natural normal reaction by suppressing emotions which we label as bad, negative, scary. That is why CBT leads to mental illness and ought to be banned.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology which actually helps with trauma and anxiety through self validation and self acceptance and self love - which means accepting our panic and fears, not rejecting or suppressing or ignoring it all.
Instead of CBT self pathologizing we would do the opposite of trauma: validate ourselves.
Abusers abuse - they consciously choose to torment and abuse other people, covertly or overtly - and there is nothing we can do to stop them. We cannot stop toxic people to be toxic by self-pathologizing our natural reactions of panic to toxic people abuse.
In toxic ambient, with unfair power dynamics - which is definition of social anxiety trauma - avoidance is totally normal reaction, it is not sickness.
If we decide to self blame ourselves and label our panic as sickness - we will develop fawn response to trauma and we will end up being pushover and people pleaser - since we will negate existence of toxic people - and this drops our boundaries and make us prime target for abuse.
Narcissistic abuse caused our social anxiety trauma- not our thoughts. We are not sick if we feel panic and fears in the presence of someone with Cluster B traits.
Unlike corporate narcissistic CBT, there is WHO's ICD-11 which recognizes Complex Trauma as real concept (which is not the same as PTSD).
---
YT "Need help with social anxiety?"
It is important that we learn about narcissism - since social anxiety is result of being exposed to narcissistic abuse.
Narcissism and social anxiety are on the same spectrum - because due to Seesaw effect - we are being pushed high on anxiety while Cluster B monsters push us on the other side.
It is about learning how to handle difficult people who criticize just to harm their target.
---
YT "❤️If You Get Anxious Around Other People… Social Anxiety for Gamers 👾 #shorts #gamer #relatable"
But social anxiety is seesaw effect.
We do not cause it. We are not the problem even though it appears as we are.
The cause of social anxiety are toxic people (clinical term is Cluster B personalities).
Abusers choose to abuse - they do because that is their choice. We did not cause it with our actions. We did not propel them to abuse. And no, we cannot stop them by being or not being whatever we think is the best - abuse is always their own choice and agenda - it is not our fault that they are abusive.
---
YT "If You have Social Anxiety, Use This Method. #shorts #shortsvideo"
Sorry to burst your bubble, you seem like genuinely nice and kind person -
but the truth is that socially anxious people are already zoomed to outside world.
Panic symptoms are uncomfortable so it seems like we are preoccupied with them. But this is not true.
We are preoccupied with criticism and negative evaluation from other people - not from our body.
That is why social anxiety is called social+anxiety. Anxiety stems from social triggers, not from self. It is not called self anxiety.
Cause of social anxiety are Cluster B monsters who abused us while growing up - like being exposed to relentless criticism.
Now as adults we are already zoomed and focused on other people so much it is microscopical zoom. We look at other people's tone of voice, what they speak, will they abuse us like original trauma.
In a way, trauma is really stored in our body - so we are focused both on our body and other people around us.
This is called hypervigilance - and it is part of Complex Trauma, which is not the same as PTSD. Social anxiety is part of Complex Trauma.
Social anxiety is result of being exposed to narcissistic abuse in early age when our psyche was forming and when it was suppose to learn how to handle difficult people in proper manner - instead we were invalidated and we learned that we must self blame ourselves and self pathologize ourselves.
So CBT is repeating this trauma and invalidation - by blaming our panic on ourselves. CBT gives us false message that we must change our thinking in order to crap fit into abuse and toxic ambient just to de-sensitize to abnormal criminally insane people, untreated mentally ill people around us who trigger our panic symptoms.
Growing up in abuse we can spot toxic people easily.
That is why I would recommend instead of self pathologizing approach - to take ACE test. It is fact, it is quick - and it will show that our social anxiety stems from childhood trauma, being trapped in alcoholic homes filled with invalidation and mistake fault shaming - which is the root of social anxiety as adults.
The idea that our thinking is sick and that our anxiety is hallucination leads to personality disorder and mental illness - since this CBT approach is self pathologizing and suppressing of emotions approach, highly in-effective and damaging.
---
YT "Social Anxiety 1 - 5"
1) Good person with kind heart attracts toxic people - which leads to abuse and social anxiety.
But be good anyway.
2)
Need to be perfect stems from abuse while growing up - take ACE test to see results and cause of social anxiety.
3)
Social anxiety is conditioned like Little Albert Experiment . This means perfectionism is hypnosis - we can't remove it at click of a button.
4)
Codependency is after-effect of growing up in alcoholic home which results as social anxiety. Codependency is being programmed that all people must be serene and happy and it is our job to fix them. Social anxiety is part of Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD)
5)
Abusers abuse. It is not matter of our responsibility when someone choose Coercive control. If we live in poor ambient - we won't have much choice but not to be exposed to someone's abuse.
Idea that we put pressure on ourselves to be without fears leads to personality disorder and mental illness. We did not cause someone to be abusive and we cannot control someone's choice when and how to abuse by our behaviour or thinking patterns.
If we start to believe that we can correct and control other people with our thinking - we will develop schizophrenia at worst, fawning at best case.
---
YT "Psych yourself up before your next social anxiety uncomfortable challenge #anxiety #socialanxiety"
Instead of fighting mode or creating hysteria-
I would encourage self validation, self acceptance, total self love.
Humanistic therapies discovered when we do this - magically we will tap into our self GPS which will lead us into the right direction.
So instead of our fears being our GPS - we will tune into our self worth, intrinsic locus of control - we will be filled with love, good mood, positive vibrations - and this will automatically deflect criticism and negative evaluations by others.
---
Our panic and fear stem from narcissistic abuse. We were initiated into panic - this is not our fault.
So... it will never work that we pull Deficiency motivation on us - since we are not the problem to start with.
Check out Little Albert experiment : people are taught to be afraid, fears do not fall out of heaven.
This is called operand conditioning, AKA
Skinner's box conditioning - like circus animals trained to perform tricks at whistle or Pavlovian dogs.
We were repeatedly exposed to negative criticism and invalidation - so now it manifest itself as panic and social anxiety issues.
The only solution to this operand conditioning is in our self worth, intrinsic locus of control, our persona, which can be accessed only by the opposite of abuse and operand conditioning - which is self acceptance, self love, self validation - which includes understanding and not judging ourselves when we feel fears and immobility.
With self love we will take care of ourselves and then we will realize we were abused - and then we will start to learn about abusers - who they are, why they abuse and what we can do about it.
---
YT "Do I have social anxiety - This is how I feel"
First step - take ACE test.
It is free, it is quick, it is available online.
Social anxiety is result of covert psychological abuse where we will end up blaming our emotions, thoughts and behaviour and judge it as sickness and pathology.
ACE test will show that we have Complex Trauma - growing up in relentless criticism 24/7 and being ashamed for making mistakes in age where making mistakes was totally normal and healthy - we were being ashamed and bullied for making mistakes.
CBT (main default corporate response to social anxiety stemming from Trump mentality) explains social anxiety as sickness and paranoia and delusion, hallucination.
Therefore - CBT (which is all industry self help books, 90 percent of you tube videos, and main google search results) are re-traumatizing us with false explanations about social anxiety.
CBT blocks and bans information about Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD) - whereas non-corporative WHO's ICD-11 recognizes Complex PTSD as real true concept.
CBT is making huge money profit on pharma mafia, making our fears as sickness and abnormal, something to stifle down and ignore- which leads to personality disorder and mental illness.
CBT also bans and blocks Jung and Freud.
---
Think about it more - how dangerous is to change how we feel.
First, if we are stuck with Amber - we will enable her abuse - and in the end we will be labelled as rapist by the whole world and ruined movie career - just because we decided "to change how we feel" about abuse and toxic people.
Second, stifling emotions leads to mental illness, it is bad idea to suppress our negative and emotions which appear as bad to us.
Third, abusers abuse. We cannot change abusers by our thinking. Idea that our thoughts can magically change other people's choices leads to schizophrenia at worst and fawning in best case. Both being detrimental and pathological.
---
YT "The TRUTH About Social Anxiety
"
Occam's razor - simplest solution is the right one.
Social anxiety is trauma.
This trauma can be tested quickly, it is free and available online at click of button: ACE test.
Social anxiety stems from exposure to covert psychological abuse while growing up. Narcissistic abuse. So narcissists and other Cluster B monsters will trigger us as adults into social anxiety- since we will detect fake people easily, immediately.
This is not sickness.
We are not the problem.
Our panic is not the problem.
Problem are abusive toxic people around us. They choose to abuse. It is their choice to abuse.
---
YT "Crazy Unexpected Results From Exposure Therapy for My Social Anxiety"
Exposure will work in healthy environment. In shame culture it will contribute to re-traumatization.
In healthy environment, person will treat you with respect even when they reject your request.
In shame culture ambient, you will be attacked and ashamed.
The idea that we remove, destroy our agreeableness trait which appears as negative politeness - will lead to personality disorder.
So if we become annoying really intrusive and irritating person who does not care for other people's comfort - we will become intrusive and irritating annoying person. Basically this is narcissism - where we create fake mask of being intrusive.
What Kyle is doing here is not narcissism - he is tuning his personality to what he beliefs is right and correct and I do not see any issue here.
For example Che Guevara had social anxiety - yet we all know him as very strong and soldier macho type who exposed a lot at Cuba to plethora of dangerous situations - and won in the end. His social anxiety was still present, when he went to political meetings.
For most social anxiety is part of agreeableness trait - and this means - we are not Che Guevara. We are not soldier macho types - instead we are HSP and we do not care much for making money and being famous or great leader.
The point is that we align our personality with our emotions, needs, wishes and real life.
I like quote from Elaine Aron:
"We have to ignore all the messages from the warriors that we are not as good as they are. The warriors have their bold style, which has its value. But we, too, have our style and our own important contribution to make."
The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron
If we have chronic hatred towards our fears and panic and see them as sickness which blocks us from achieving some grandiose goals in life - if we choose to destroy it or remove it, or change it - we will create personality disorder and mental illness. In order to avoid it, I would encourage everyone to take personality test - Big 5 - available free online.
Paradox is once we accept ourselves as we are - we will be content with being who we are and paradoxically we will achieve our goals in life and live our life fully - without fear of missing out.
Agreeableness is not sickness - it is personality trait. One trait of agreeableness is Negative politeness - where we fawn to other people. This starts to be acute problem if we live in shame culture ambient which intrudes and commands who we are suppose to lead our life and who we are suppose to be, and if there is ACE (free online quick ACE test is available), or Complex Trauma in short.
Quote from the book Che, where
Che Guevara describing his Social anxiety:
(page 412) "Now India, where new protocolar complications produce in me the same infantile panic (in deciding how to respond to greetings)."
---
(28.2.2023)
YT "6 Simple Practices to Boost Your Mental Health and Decrease Anxiety this Year"
I'm not sure that wearing off and pressuring our body is good in a long term. Body does not have limitless supplies - it needs certain resources to produce dopamine and to heal body where healing needs to be done. The same as with our Planet Earth - we can burn coil, create industry to be happy and comfortable - but in the end dirty industry will poison us and cause environmental disasters and climate change. Which leads me to the next point. I am not sure it would be healthy to abuse our body - just to feel good all the time.
Why would be so obsessed with feeling good all the time? The idea that we suppress our bad and sad emotions leads to mental illness - it is not healthy to suppress, ignore and or reject certain emotions which appear scary, annoying and difficult. When we do this - we will never leave toxic ambient - since we will make ourselves crap fit into abuse.
The same as if your hand - if put on hot stove: it must hurt. Without the pain you would destroy your arm in fire, heat. The pain has function which is natural normal and needed - so pain is not bad.
What is bad that we are not aware that there is a hot stove or some burner and that it could be dangerous if we touch it.
Negative bias is not so bad. Without it we would enable abuse and toxic ambient - since we would make ourselves to feel happy and chirpy all the time - even when someone treats us like trash and take advantage of us. In order to relocate, retort, stand up or cut contact - we need certain amount of negative thoughts and negative emotions such as anger. If we suppress our anger - it will accumulate and there will be uncontrollable explosion. Definitely not healthy.
Writing thoughts helps only when we are educated enough to recognize the language of our unconsciousness, fears, panic, abuse, toxic ambient, narcissistic abuse. Then we can have ability to recognize objects and place them in various angles. Similar to learning programming. Without knowing how to make equations and without knowing all the objects - our writing won't have any deep effect.
If we focus on our fears - we will become obsessed with our fears.
This will lead to spiral of infinity - since fears are infinite and they are paradox.
Regarding social anxiety - our fears are based on fear of negative evaluation and criticism. So at least we know certain ambient where our core fears habituate.
This means - that our fears are not hallucinations at all.
Social anxiety stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse while growing up - and our fears now will be from hysterical people from whom we need certain information, service, help, interaction of some kind - and they pull coercive control and unfair power dynamics on us. They will mock us, yell at us, nitpick our mistakes - this is at the core of social anxiety - and their blame and shame and guilt tripping (core of narcissistic abuse) leads to general anxiety in the recipient due to already present Complex Trauma.
This means -
socially anxious person will not know how to respond to hysterical people? How to react to someone who is bully? What to say to someone when we are in mobbing situation all the time?
How we react to our dysregulation (panic) when such person triggers us. These are core questions which are at the root of social anxiety. Exposure does not answer these imminent and urgent questions - instead exposure to toxic people adds up to re-traumatization.
Humanistic psychology tells us that we validate our fears and panic. When we stop judging our reactions to toxic people as pathology - something strange will happen. We will start to stand up for ourselves and have courage to do exposure to difficult people when needed. We will come up with answers to questions which without self validation we cannot get answer to.
When we validate our trauma - we will shift focus naturally away from toxic people - and face our goals in life towards our health and well being.
At the opposite - if we label our social anxiety as sickness and something to destroy and conquer - we will be stuck in narcissistic mindset where we will make ourselves believe that world is a battle stage and that our sole job in this life is to build walls against our fears and make our fears into gods whom we devalue and suppress and overcome. As I said - fears are infinite and they are paradox - so idea to devote our mental energy to fight delusions and hallucinations leads to paranoia and poor mental health - where we will never notice that toxic people are the only cause of fears and panic and social anxiety. Instead we will be focused on being strong, perfect and grandiose - basically narcissistic.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD) - and what we are dealing here is trauma - not fears and panic which are only small sets of very large plethora of symptoms of this trauma.
---
YT "Why you should define your fears instead of your goals | Tim Ferriss"
If we make our fears into our gods - our personality, choices in life, decisions - will be based on hysterical people, difficulties. We will become slave to circumstances and our direction in life will be controlled and manipulated by toxic people who are in power (unfair Power dynamics).
From our point of view it will seem as if we are doing something useful, that we are active and gathering certain amount of money and we won't notice that we are greedy and have other narcissistic traits.
Problem is that when we have certain needs - there will always be someone more narcissistic and more greedy than us who is in position of power to exploit our needs - to exploit us. Some sadist enjoy controlling and harming their target just to feel good in doing so.
If we destroy our emotional reactivity - and if we install lobotomy -
we will become zombie and mentally ill. Healthy mindset is flexible. Mentally ill mindset is rigid one.
Sometimes it is great that we are stoic and carefully make steps by avoiding mistakes. Sometimes it is great that we make series of mistakes and be spontaneous.
The idea that we must be perfect all the time - leads to perfection - and there is high mental toll to pay to be perfect all the time: like hypervigilance and panic and fears. This happens because there will always be some critic who will always find new faults and new mistakes - which we will now be panicked about and spend a lot of money, focus and energy to resolve. Now we will develop OCD.
Rigid mindset always leads to mental illness. Always.
The core urge to be perfect and to be stoic lies in trauma - we don't want to be vulnerable, we don't want to be seen as weak, and we want to have power over other people. These are all narcissistic traits where we see the world as battle and it is rigid mindset. The problem with this mindset is that it leads to criminal activities - since our attempts to exert power and dominance will eventually boil down to abuse.
What would be so wrong if we are mistaken and wrong?
What would be so catastrophic is someone labels us as coward or weak?
Will we become mentally ill, abusive and predator just for the sake of someone not mocking us that we are stupid, dumb, weird, sissy or feminine? Why would this bully be our god?
Why would we model our fake persona just to please and appease this real or imaginary bully?
Paradox is that when we accept ourselves as we are - with all our flaws and weaknesses - we will become strong and we will expose and we will become dominant.
This paradox happens because confidence is paradox.
When we try to be confident - we will never become confident, instead we will overcompensate. We will become hysterical, needy and clingy and depend on other people to approve us and admire us.
At the opposite - if we accept ourselves that we are not confident - paradoxically and ironically we will become super confident - because now we will never be affected by other people. Toxic people will not influence our choices and decisions in life.
We all have common sense and intelligence and persona - what we need in life.
The only problem we will encounter in life are toxic people. When we base our life on pretending to be confident in order to appease and draw applause and admiration from all people - we will be stuck in toxic ambient and we will create plethora of toxic habits - due to rigid mindset: that we must be powerful strong and without weaknesses - which is not realistic. Narcissism is mental illness and it leads to delusions and paranoia - we won't become strong by pretending to be confident. We will become exactly the opposite since being fake is always doomed to failure.
---
"Easy choices, hard life. Hard choices, easy life".
But the problem starts when you base your choices on fear of what will other people think and on imaginary fake snapshot of what you believe to be reality. Then other people will control you very easily since they will become your stepping stone - you will be focused on other people without being aware what you are doing.
Instead of conformism and groupthink - if we accept ourselves as we are and base our choices on common sense and what we believe is correct - intrinsic locus of control - our life will not be covertly manipulated and controlled by other people.
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"Good habits are hard to form, but easy to live with. Bad habits are easy to form, but hard to live with."
We won't notice if something is bad - through Deficiency motivation.
---
"we suffer more in our imagination than in reality"
This does not answer when we suffer in reality. What then?
Idea that we label life as hallucination leads to solipsism, narcissism and severe mental illness such as schizophrenia.
When someone is toxic - if we label this as our over-reaction we will settle into toxicity.
If we label hardship as our imagination and continue not doing anything to change it - we will crap fit into abuse and be taken advantage of Machiavellians who love slaves and easy going people pleasers and pushovers to abuse and exploit.
---
"Now i know why Bruce Lee said: “Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one”"
Difficulty is relative.
What is difficult to you, might be heaven for other person.
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"Tim defines stoicism as "an operating system for thriving in high-stress environments and making better decisions.""
That is definition of mental health.
Stoicism is being trapped into crap fitting to abuse and toxicity and pretending you are covered with rose petals.
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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
This is the same as to say to depressive person not to be sad. And to smile.
Worry is much more complex than this.
If we do not use our brain, we will be zombies. Overthinking is not pathology.
When we worry there is real true external factor such as toxic people who manipulate and control us - for the very reason we do not think nor doubt them.
---
Inaction is Charcot Hysteria - it is not being lazy.
Self pathologizing ourselves leads to personality disorder. Invalidating our emotions, experiences and pain leads to self abuse and narcissism - where we cover up our wounds, pretend they do not exist and then build up fake persona of grandiosity and perfection - that other people must obey and admire.
In short - this is path to mental illness and schizophrenia.
Very soon reality will hit - and the reason for inaction will appear again and again.
Then we will be left with toxic advice to label ourselves as sick abnormal for feeling pain and harm - and we won't notice that toxic people, external factor - are the cause of our immobility and pain.
This way toxic monsters like Putin and Trump stay in power - since zombies are preoccupied with self and narcissism and rigid mindset of scapegoating easy targets.
---
YT "The POWER Of Walking Away & Why It's EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE"
What happens when we can't walk away but we realize we must?
Due to immobility, finances issues, unfavorable power dynamics, certain needs, service, documents, third party, shelter, security.
What then?
The answer to this basic question is not so easy to give.
---
"Note to self: STOP abandoning yourself 💕"
I did it - and it ended up as social anxiety, avoidance and isolation.
I walked away from toxic people - and then left alone and isolated, probably labeled as weird and abnormal.
Then I started to repair this and ended up being exploited, abused, mocked, pushed around - being labeled as people pleaser and pushover, weak and passive, abnormal and weird.
In toxic ambient - whatever we do will be toxic.
This starts to be problem when we don't have money to relocate.
Hint: google image "shame culture countries". Toxic shame is toxic - and 99 percent of toxic shame culture countries are also poor and third world countries. Japan is the only exclusion. China's wealth is based on corruption, and it will crash in eventually.
---
YT "Andrew Tate Shows No Mercy! #shorts"
Basically he made this guard to be his god.
From Tate's perspective he is god, grandiose figure of strength and power - but in reality he is forming his life to be shaped by what this guard thought of him or potentially might thought of him.
For all we know, this guard may not be impressed or frightened by Tate.
Maybe he was attracted to him and wanted to form friendship or romance. Instead of exploring all options and reasons and possibilities, Tate due to his narcissistic solipsism makes finite wrong conclusions about life and people - and this leads to criminal behaviour and self sabotaging - as we see it unfolding in Romania now.
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YT "
We
ALL Experience Trauma In Life!
"
I would add important information that Trauma is banned by CBT and DSM due to Pharma mafia which makes money on human neurosis.
Complex Trauma is recognized by WHO's ICD-11 which does not depend on corporations.
Patrick Stewart was talking about his father trauma in WW2 and how doctors told all survivors of war trauma that this is Shell Shock and they need to be strong and brush it off.
That is how CBT is handling trauma - and this leads to re-traumatization.
Because trauma requires the opposite: validation, self acceptance, clarity, information, education, knowing what is happening and what we can do about it in healthy and proper manner without automatic Charcot Hysteria reactions of panic spasms and immobility.
---
"How to reown it ?"
Fear is paradox and infinity.
It will be counter-intuitive and self-contradicting -
because trauma is reaction and wound to abusers, someone who is mentally ill but never sought help but instead mimicked being normal and sane.
We were initiated into evil - and this is a form of exorcism.
Chances are due to trauma - we probably attract the same abusers and toxic people now like moth to a flame.
Way out of trauma is validation, self acceptance, total and without conditions - and counter-intuitive part is to accept being weird, abnormal, wounded, flawed, sissy, passive or whatever labels people injected into us since we did not act like "normal" people with super confidence ,greed and narcissism.
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YT "Why focus on something you can't control? Effort over results. #mentalhealth #anxiety"
People with social anxiety focus on something we can't control due to trauma.
There was psychological abuse, exposure to narcissistic abuse over period of time when our psyche was forming and suppose to learn that we can handle difficulties in life without self blame.
Instead we receive the message that we are always to blame for whatever bad happens.
This is also called codependency.
Now due to trauma - any mistake, criticism, negative evaluation of anything - even when it is not our own mistake - will trigger panic symptoms.
Confidence will not resolve this trauma.
Being super confident will not prevent toxic people to blame us.
Being perfect in our job will not prevent bad things from happening.
If trauma is not healed and exposed and our wound is not seen and validated - we will be triggered over and over no matter how much we make our social anxiety to be functional.
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YT "Remember when you let anxiety control your life? #anxiety"
It is not anxiety at all.
It is toxic people who control us. Due to unfavorable Power Dynamics.
Being poor controls our emotions. This is called Maslow needs hierarchy. Without money, shelter nor security - we won't feel confident.
This is not sickness. Being powerless is not pathology.
Toxic people, abusers see the planet and people as predatory environment where due to greed they must accumulate resources and energy and exploit other people.
When we meet this people - we will feel social anxiety and that is normal reaction to someone who is mentally ill and abnormal and pathological.
Anxiety is here to give us message that we are in danger and that this person is criminally insane - even though they appear friendly, nice, serviceable, love bomb us and hover over us in their idealization phase, to hook us onto them, to gain their trust.
If we decide to distrust our emotions, feelings, conclusions, intuition - we will develop severe personality disorder.
----
Kyle has his own style which appears intrusive and unfair and cold and aggressive at first.
In reality he is very warm and friendly guy - I was convinced he was cruel and cold due to his approach to social anxiety issues.
His main message is that we expose and that we are confident.
There is nothing wrong with that message.
However in real life, this button click of our fears into confidence will work only with people who are shy.
For true social anxiety - there is issue with Complex Trauma-
and this means toxic people and toxic ambient being the social anxiety cause.
This means - there is nothing to fix inside us. If we decide to self pathologize our fears and panic - which are natural and normal responses to abusers - we will develop severe personality disorder and deep toxic shame.
This also means once we get away from toxic people and toxic ambient - we will naturally become confident and without fears - because there is nothing sick inside us that is cause of panic and social anxiety.
The only cause is abuse.
Abusers abuse - because they choose to abuse.
We did not cause abuse and we cannot prevent abuse by our thoughts or thinking style or being confident and without fears. Abusers will abuse no matter what we are.
---
YT "Call from someone who is socially anxious #anxiety #socialanxiety #mentalhealth"
Dropping to socially confident is called Functional social anxiety.
Social anxiety is still present, it is still there.
Like Michael Jackson.
He had severe social anxiety yet he performed in front of billions of people, appear on TV and movies - without problems. Yet his tragic end is due to ignored trauma - since he was functional in it, he had enough money to stifle trauma down.
That is unhealthy.
---
That is the first step - to built self worth.
However social anxiety is social. This means - real triggers are toxic people and their toxic behaviour such as bullying, mocking, abusing, coercive control. pathological lying, idealization-devaluation phases.
So - what will happen is that our social anxiety is not inside us - it comes along with toxic people as reaction to them.
This also means - that in real life we won't be able to have power dynamics in all situations - sometimes we won't be able to move away from toxic people.
And we will feel anxiety.
Now - the crucial problem is if we decide to label our insecurities, fears and panic as pathology and something that is wrong and that we are causing anxiety with our thoughts.
This belief will lead to personality disorder and deep toxic shame - we will create more anxiety and more panic - and we will become codependent - because we will label ourselves as sick - and enable toxic people in their abuse in the same time.
It is like Vichy government in Nazi Germany - we don't want to rock the boat and go along with conformism and groupthink just not to feel uncomfortable for accepting the fact we are occupied and under intrusion and aggression.
Easy way it appears is to enable abusers and blame ourselves for all problems -
so paradox is - by rejecting self doubt and negative thoughts - we create deeper self doubt and deeper negative thoughts - since we do not see that toxic people are the only problem - not ourselves.
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YT "No...you don't have to learn to live with social anxiety #anxiety #socialanxiety #mentalhealth"
Social anxiety is not ours. That is why social anxiety is called social, it is called social+anxiety. It is not called self anxiety.
If we decide to label our fear and panic as disgusting, wrong, something to conquer and be ashamed of, something to reject and throw away , then
1) we will develop severe personality disorder - because we will try to be rigid: to be confident and socially chirpy all the time - which is not realistic or financially possible,
2) we will self pathologize ourselves with deep toxic shame - and this way we will repeat the original trauma which caused this social anxiety in the very first place: invalidation and hatred.
3) we will stay stuck with abusive and toxic people and develop plethora of toxic habits in order to regulate our constant triggers and unconscious automatic dysregulation - which will appear extremely confusing and at random.
Social anxiety is part of trauma, is stems from being exposed to relentless criticism while growing up. This was not our fault.
We did end up with belief it was all our fault.
Now we believe that these trauma panic anxiety emotions are our fault and we self blame ourselves - and we naturally try to fix it by becoming strong and building fake persona of grandiosity where other people will magically admire us and leave us alone without their hurtful criticism. This narcissistic approach is unhealthy, rigid and it leads to mental illness - and to become abuser ourselves who will pass social anxiety trauma onto the next generation.
We need to change perception about social anxiety.
It appears highly personal, it appears very shameful and it hampers our life.
We got to make realization - that this panic anxiety fears stem from toxic people - not from ourselves.
Toxic people are grand manipulators and they have excellent skills in making their target to feel self blame and impose guilt into their targets - through gaslighting and shame shifting.
Mistakes are natural part of lives and all people make mistakes all the time.
With exposure to narcissistic abuse while we were growing up - we were conditioned to believe that any mistake is flaw in our character and that our job is to fix other people's anger - so that they do not throw temper tantrums when we are not perfect (silent, obedient, serviceable to them).
---
"Having social anxiety?Just stop."
Yeah, I try to work this with Kyle.
He is not bad guy - he appears to be cold and annoying (type of person who would say to say person to simply smile) - but he simply miss trauma information to learn about social anxiety. He is not bad guy.
His resources about social anxiety are faulty CBT and official corporate medical sources which are deeply flawed and based on ableism and making money on human neurosis through Pharma mafia. He is simply the product of conformism and groupthink and how toxic people in power and authority can make people blind to truth by imposing Machiavellianism.
This is the same story which re-creates itself in politics, business, media: where toxic people narcissistic and psychopathic predators came into position of power and use manipulation and control to exploit un-educated masses.
The education is the only way out of this matrix of evil.
Hopefully, with time Kyle will wake up from hypnosis and see the true, abusive and narcissistic toxic world we live in.
CBT will never admit that abuse exists.
CBT will never validate traumatized people or acknowledge trauma - since this information itself would break pharma mafia mechanisms.
CBT will never explain to socially anxious what to do when we are abused and bullied and inside unfair power dynamics.
CBT will instructs us to be assertive with difficult people - which is the same as throwing oil into the fire - because toxic people love drama and endless arguments since abusers do not seek resolutions - they instead create chaos and confusion and use information in arguments to exploit later on against.
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YT "It is OKAY to feel ANXIOUS 🤯 #anxiety #anxious"
Yep.
If we decide to label our anxiety as disgusting, we will self pathologize ourselves.
The only pathology by definition is being cruel to other people, to cause harm to others and to exploit others.
Feeling anxiety is not pathology. There is nothing to fix inside us.
Fears and panic and anxiety - are reaction to toxic people, reaction to evil is not pathology - it means our nervous system is normal and healthy and it works as it should be working.
Without anxiety we would crap fit into abuse and stay with toxic people and enable their abuse and criminal behaviour.
With anxiety it is alarm that something is wrong in our environment - and we need to become Sherlock Holmes or scientist to discover from where the disorder is stemming from - and then do something about it -
either cut contact or plan relocation when we save up money and secure way to leave.
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YT "Amazing tool to use when anxiety comes around #anxiety"
This is good direction - that we start to perceive anxiety as mechanism - it just doing its job.
Also - that we become Sherlock Holmes and scientist and evaluate real threat and real danger - is there one?
I read in one book, a long time ago, I think it was called Self Esteem - there is a technique to check and test our fears and anxiety.
I think most people miss this information:
that we write down answer to the question "What does it mean to me?"
So if anxiety is present - again and again ask what does it mean. Until you can no longer ask this due to the root answer.
In social anxiety - the root answer when we start to ask what anxiety means to us - it all stems to what other people think. That is our core fear.
The opinion in someone's head.
That is clue that social anxiety is trauma and it stems from being exposed to narcissistic abuse - where we were conditioned to be codependent on other people's moods, their opinions, their emotions and we were hypnotized to make other people good and happy - and we do this by avoiding making them angry, avoiding intruding on them, avoiding to ask them questions which might trigger them into hysteria and anger.
Now what happens is that toxic people are the only cause and only problem of social anxiety- since in unfavorable Social dynamics (which means when we need some service, help, information from someone who holds these resources) is someone who is manipulative, angry, hysterical, controlling, unfair, rude and abusive.
So - our reactions to such person is anxiety - and anxiety is reaction to toxic people.
Anxiety is not our pathology, it is not our fault and there is nothing to fix inside us.
The same abuse which caused feelings of social anxiety trauma in the first place - has programmed us to always self blame ourselves and to label our emotions and reactions to toxic people as our personal defect and something that is abnormal, shameful and which makes us inferior and inept simply if we feel anxiety, panic and fears.
In reality - our social anxiety panic as reactions to abnormal aggressive Cluster B predators is totally natural and - nope we cannot change or control someone's choice to be abusive by fixing our fears and becoming confident.
Abusers will still abuse no matter what tools we have or how perfect we are or how we appear or how we think - abusers abuse because they choose to abuse - we did not cause their abuse by our thoughts nor our behaviour.
---
It is important that we do not self pathologize ourselves for feeling anxiety.
If we choose to label our anxiety as sickness and try to suppress it or destroy it, we will create personality disorder and deep toxic shame - which leads to trauma bonding and without boundaries to toxic people who will sniff our lack of boundaries to abuse us and exploit us.
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YT "Reframing anxious thoughts #anxiety"
Any nitpicking to our intrusive thoughts leads to OCD.
Brain will interpret our rituals as important - brain will see that we feel good when we deflect "danger" - and then brain will suddenly to throw more and more dangers and more of intrusive thoughts - since it is detecting danger and we are successful at "reframing" it.
This is how OCD starts and develops. PureOCD is based on this - that we regulate and fix our thoughts - so this ends up with plethora of intrusive thoughts : paradoxically - more anxiety.
Our brain is 6 millions years old - it was build to protect us by detecting danger (predators). So it has function to detect and deflect and adapt to the danger. This is Darwin evolution - this ability to have intrusive thoughts. Therefore idea that we start to nitpick and correct system which is millions of years old - will backfire and I talk this from my own experience, too.
Why we have intrusive thoughts in the first place?
Why we feel anxiety - if we are safe and when we obviously have counter-argument to each intrusive thought?
Well - the only explanation is that we are
1) inside toxic ambient
2) around someone toxic who is covert and we cannot recognize or detect them as toxic
3) we are with someone toxic but due to unfavorable power dynamics we cannot cut contact nor leave (due to money, third party, help, service, documents, system).
So instead of nitpicking our brain and labeling it as sick, instead of wasting our time, energy and focus on detecting our intrusive thoughts -
I would rather go into direction of detecting real danger.
Intrusive thoughts do not fall out of heaven.
How do I know this?
1) if intrusive thoughts are part of schizophrenia and some other deep brain dysfunction - our anxiety would not be social. It would be pervasive and it would be related to paranoia and fantasy beings and imaginary events and situations. We would talk differently - we can test this out by watching you tube videos by people suffering from deeper psychological issues
2) if intrusive anxiety is random occurrence - then all people would report it.
It is clear that when we are not pathological, when we are good, nice, kind, friendly open person with sensitivity and kindness - and if we still feel intrusive anxiety issues - then the one and only reason for this is External Factor.
There is someone toxic in our midst who is creating this chaos.
Also - the idea that we must be happy and chirpy and without certain emotions like sadness or worry - this belief leads to mental illness. All emotions are valid and suppressing emotions leads to rigid mindset and sickness of our mind.
With negative worry thoughts - where we do not have pathology in behaviour - there is simply a signal that someone outside of us is causing it.
How to recognize it?
Glasser helped us with this list of controlling habits:
He said:
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(1.3.2023)
YT "Repressing emotions"
I would add that the reason why we suppress emotions is always in the external factor.
It is seesaw effect - we suppress because someone push these emotions down. We would not do it on our own.
Someone in our midst is tyrannical, abusive, borderline, narcissistic - someone who goes into anger mode when certain topics are at hand like mistakes, flaws and unresolved issues - almost always due to lack of money or some kind of resource.
Normal healthy sane people solve problems and do everything to come to conclusion and resolutions - even if it means accepting unfavorable situation as it is for now.
On the other hand:
toxic people are focused on Fight response and hysteria, greed and instant gratification, grandiosity and superiority (one-up-manship and Dog in manger mentality) drama and aggression, scapegoating and blame shifting, shame shifting - usually on kind nice good and friendly people - who end up suppressing their emotions in order to appease those predators and abnormal criminally insane Cluster B monsters and ward off from their set of punishments such as relentless hysteria, temper tantrums, criticism, nagging, complaining, constant victim mode.
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YT "Being honest with yourself"
Due to Hypocognition - it is impossible to be honest with ourselves.
We simply lack the dictionary, education and experience to identify what is wrong, our assessment will be plagued by Confirmation bias and Availability Heuristics.
This means we will be trapped in a tunnel, tunnel vision - and the only way out is education and experience,
if we start to nitpick ourselves without ability to escape egocentrism and solipsism - we will start to fix things which are not sick nor broken. Maxwell Maltz talked about this in his famous book - he was plastic surgeon and he said that he noticed that his clients came to him asking to fix their appearance - even when there was nothing wrong with it - and he connected the dots: that people have unknown issues - and then blame themselves for those problems and scapegoat certain personal aspects about them and then go into Crusade to change totally normal parts of themselves in order to somehow resolve the mysterious and unknown issues which they feel.
This can be extremely dangerous approach.
Just imagine if you convince yourself that your skin is sick and cause of the problem and then you self medicate yourself with cleansers, for example.
We all have veil over our eyes -we do not see reality clearly.
All people have quick and wrong conclusions - which are called bias, logical fallacies, prejudices, prejudgments, bigotry. This is how fear and hatred are born, too - not only mere bad self sabotaging decisions.
This phenomena of not seeing the world clearly was observed by ancient philosophers from Greece like Plato and Socrates.
I like this quote:
"We walk around with filter. None of us see reality - we just see what we want to see"
DAN LOK
As for my experience with social anxiety (which is one big veil over eyes, a filter due to trauma conditioning) I learned that if we are nice, kind, open, healthy, friendly, without hidden agenda, if we are not anti-social - and still struggle with mysterious issues like lack of confidence, fears, panic, pessimism - it is always due to toxic people around us whom we consider "safe" and good - and we never cut contact with them, we never recognize them as toxic influence. Toxic emotions like any other emotions are contagious. If someone is constantly criticizing us and blaming us - we will experience psychological abuse and we will blame ourselves for feeling "weak" "unmanly" and "sissy". Then we will start to build fake mask of superiority - which leads to rigid mindset, narcissism and mental illness. So our trials to "fix" normal and natural emotions to toxic people will make us toxic and abusive or even worse.
---
YT "12 Signs of Trauma You May Not Know | PTSD & CPTSD"
I would like to add that Doc Snipes is excellent and expert resource.
Last year I was critical on this channel due to CBT videos - where trauma is ignored and I wrote a comment to this channel about it.
Well in a week or so Doc Snipes published video with extremely important information about CPTSD which is not available in other places -
she said that while DSM and CBT does not recognize trauma concept - that on the other hand WHO's ICD-11 fully recognize CPTSD as the real concept.
Well - this information is not available at "official" resources by trauma informed sites and videos -
so this is proof that she is expert at her field. She is not only open enough to listen to objections, but also empathically and openly contributes with her knowledge and education without hidden agenda or hidden contract - and that is very rare in this society.
She has my full support.
👍💘🎯
High chances are that people who genuinely seek psychological help and psychological guidance are covert victims of trauma abuse dynamics - and it is ironical that CBT instead of recognizing this basic fact goes into direction of self blame and self pathology. This is why it is important to become trauma aware - both for targets of abuse and as for therapists, too.
---
(2.3.2023)
YT "Four ways to spark up our social engagement nervous system without socializing
"
"When out for shopping. Didn't have the guts to say anything at first, despite a shy hello.
Then later I started to 'order' things"
What happen when we live in toxic shame culture country where sensitivity is perceived as weakness, illness and abnormality and where it is common to be rude to others without thinking about other people's feelings? Like Klingon society.
Then we end up triggered all the time and self pathologize our sensitivity as mental illness, something to cover up and destroy by being rude to others - which destroys this vagal ventral idea of social connection.
---
From 1989 till 2019 I followed CBT - not because of choice but because it was the only resource to explain social anxiety issues - which is found in newspapers, media, books.
In 2020 I learned Descrates philosophy to start doubting everything including my thoughts and other people - in order to start think.
In 2021 I learned about Complex Trauma which blew my mind - for the first time I had hard core evidence that I am not hallucinating social anxiety trauma and it has valid reason why it occurs.
In 2022 I learned that social anxiety and social anxiety disorder are two different things, covered up by official medical industry pumping self pathologizing.
Now in 2023 I put it all together and I am re-learning Elain Aron's book HSP which I read in 1997 but I dismissed it as "it's not me really" - that the trauma was based on sensitivity - and that Vagal Ventral engagement system is the way out of the tunnel in which I was trapped since 1989.
I like the message in this video that Exposure (which CBT pumps as approach) - will not work. And it won't. We will get overwhelmed - I knew this but I lacked reason and definitions why it will not work.
Sensitivity was the missing puzzle. This explains a lot.
Without this information - we will try to fit into groupthink and conformism and try to be like others.
But we are different. What goes easily for the masses is devastating for us. We need to forge our own path, not trying to fit in or following blindly most of the people who are on auto-pilot anyway.
---
She is talking about social anxiety issues which CBT explains in accusatory and blaming way, something that is sickness and abnormal that we must cover up and destroy.
Now from the Polyvagal theory Ventral Vagal social engagement - it all makes sense.
---
I am comparing with what I learned through CPTSD on one side and CBT programming on the other side - along with reality of living in toxic ambient and Shame culture country.
I was convinced all the time that my goal purpose and agenda is to defend myself against someone who is intrusive , rude, aggressive and to learn how to retort in effective way so that they do not harm me with constant criticism, nagging, complaining, fault finding and mistake shaming.
What sensitivity and Polyvagal Ventral Vagal nervous social engagement approach says - is that toxic people are not the central point in the universe.
I can actually get unstuck, shift focus and that social engagement does not depend on rude people and what they think feel or say about me.
With social anxiety trauma and CPTSD whenever someone is rude in whatever way for whatever reason - I would feel marked and labeled automatically as sick and abnormal since I would feel toxic shame. I would automatically equate feeling embarrassed with my worth - that I am inept and abnormal for being ashamed by someone and by not being strong and macho to fight back. Additional shame from others labeling me as people pleaser and pushover and that I must expose and be strong and courageous did not help at all in this toxic shame orgy.
This sensitivity approach tells us that we are ok with who we are - and that social engagement is health and healing, normal and sane - and this means if someone is not socially engaged - we do not need to make them the center of our focus, and we do not need to smother our social engagement enthusiasm - but to increase it and hold it by us.
---
(3.3.2023)
YT "ADHD and Attachment Trauma | 5 Tips to Address Rejection Sensitivity"
This explains a lot about social anxiety to those who are not diagnosed with ADHD. All the information here. Doc Snipes is amazing help, this explains a lot of mysterious and unknown issues which are really frustrating and appear catastrophic - now it all suddenly makes sense.
I feel a lot calmer now when I hear all this information regarding experiences with my own social anxiety issues - especially of the effect of "corrective measures". I do not feel any more defensive or shameful or antagonistic anymore.
"ADHD may experience a lot of rejection where people are telling them to be quiet, to mind their manners, to sit still. So they constantly getting corrective feedback and rejection and feeling what they say is not important, people won't spend time with them"
and
"When caretaker is validating how child is feeling and what's going on with the child ('you feel oy tired) this teaches the child about other awareness. Acknowledge feelings of others without correcting them"
---
YT "Doubt That Your Feelings Matter Or Are Valid? Here's What To Do"
This validation approach is the correct path.
I learned this in Humanistic psychology, it is great to hear it on you tube such as Marshall's videos.
It is very rare - most people are prone to judge and have idea to build fake mask of superiority as some kind of magical tool to handle life - which never works in real life but actually cause more damage.
Yesterday I learned the new concept "neurodivergent". I heard it before but I brushed it off as non important psychological jargon.
Well I watched Doc Snipes video about Rejection Sensitivity - and suddenly all pieces fall into place.
I would not understand her video if I did not watch Marshall's video in the past - where he is repeatedly telling us the basic message to validate our emotional experience in order to trust ourselves. Without total self trust we are , we will be immobile - afraid to take any kind of action.
Rejection Sensitivity information explains everything in detail about what I identified as "social anxiety" issues which I struggle with ever since 1989. There is no cure for it - however self acceptance and self validation softens the blow, a lot.
---
(6.3.2023)
YT "Social ANXIETY is NOT....."
Social anxiety is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, and
CBT and DSM are using limited psychology vocabulary in order to describe complex, unknown trauma conditions - since it is easier to make pharma mafia rich by pathologizing ourselves.
Social anxiety is normal - it is normal to feel scared of job interview, without this fear and anxiety we would not make ourselves look good, we would not take care of our hygiene and we would not pay attention to outside world.
Instead we would be solipsistic and smell really bad - since we would not care what other people think.
Social anxiety "disorder" is when we are exposed to relentless criticism while growing up - and we will develop RSD - which has no cure.
Yet - if we embrace neurodivergent concept - we can accept ourselves as we are and validate our both natural and conditioned defense mechanisms such as fears of judgement and what other people think.
---
YT "Strategies For Managing Social Anxiety"
Social anxiety is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
There is no cure for it. It is permanent.
So magical idea that we will find fantasy solution is delusion and waste of time and energy.
RSD occurs as exposure to relentless criticism and similar invalidation 24/7 in early age when our brain was like a sponge.
Public speaking is not social anxiety - this is separate condition.
Social anxiety or RSD is fear of judgement - so basically if we are in safe environment, socially anxious will not develop panic symptoms and perform public speaking without troubles.
Example: social anxiety can be functional and yet still present.
Michal Jackson had severe social anxiety in private - yet he performed in public (in front of millions of people) without any trouble, he did not forgot lyrics, he did not freeze while performing Moonwalking dance.
We can workaround RSD with self acceptance and validation.
Idea to mix religion and psychology is not good - since Bible was written 2000 years ago, it was not meant for modern society. For example - We can't base modern astronomy on a book that have sent scientists to death for their real scientific claiming that the Earth is round.
"Supports from your friends"
People with social anxiety do not have friends. They have social anxiety. Seems to me you lack understanding what is social anxiety.
"Push limit, challenge"
If we cured Nikola Tesla from his OCD - we would not have electricity today.
Ableism is not healthy, it leads to self pathologizing, self blame and suicide ideation.
Paradox is once we accept ourselves and our fears - and validate them - paradoxically we will stop being panicked and then we will "push limits" and "take challenges", as you state it.
Another paradox is - once we push limits and take challenges - due to dualistic nature of universe - we will eventually traumatize and cause damage to other people around us. So Jordan Peterson approach of showing teeth and prancing around with "confidence" will be detrimental if we have no education about narcissistic abuse and toxic behaviour - so that we can patiently regulate our own wrong turns which will eventually happen in any social situation.
"Grieve"
Social anxiety, RSD is based on Complex Trauma.
There was trauma, invalidation - this is stuck inside our body. So amazingly enough this is not bad advice at all. We have charge inside our body which is not processed, it is not seen, it is suppressed and ignored - it needs love and attention.
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YT "Get To The CAUSE Of Social Anxiety!"
"I'm a waitress as a introvert & someone who has social anxiety it's a great way to face my fears "
The purpose of our health is Ventral Vagal (google it).
The purpose is not to be in a constant and neverending state of hypervigilance all the time, survival mode nor to make our fears to be our gods and commanders and decisions makers about our career, paths we take in life or any kind of innovation and ideas and decisions we desire to take.
---
"Amazing how stuck in a frame we can be and never realise it"
Because our schools and media are dumbing us down - so that we can vote for abnormal Putins and idiots Trumps all our lives.
This concept which amazes you is officially called with various names - yet we never see them in media, are these:
Confirmation Bias.
Availability Heuristics.
Tunnel vision.
Egocentrism.
Faulty generalizations.
Prejudices.
Bigotry.
Filter.
Veil.
Social Bias.
Personal fable.
Cognitive Fusion.
Enmeshment.
Coercive Control.
Amygdala Hijack.
Introjection.
Operant Conditioning.
Attribute Substitution.
Ableism.
Survival Mode.
Ash's Conformity.
Construct.
Rashomon effect.
Impaired sensory gaiting.
Binding problem.
---
If you "overcame" it - you never had it in the first place.
You were simply shy.
Rejection sensitivity Dysphoria has no cure - but we can successfully workaround it - like Julien is teaching.
As soon as you are in contact with someone abusive and toxic, someone neurodivergent, your vulnerability to criticism will spiral - and now you will be in double panic - since all your micromanaging won't work - in fact it will make it worse.
This is because we did not cause the trauma and we are not responsible for someone who is abusive and in Power Dynamics where we must tolerate their abuse.
Social anxiety can be functional -
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety in private, yet he performed in front of millions of people without any problem.
----
"Change your subconscious mind"
1) you can't change it.
2) it would be dangerous if we could.
IT is like opposition to our logic. If our logic was the only master in the house, we would smell bed, be very lazy, parasitical and probably extremely violent and hence institutionalized for life or worse.
Think of our logic as North Korea or Trump.
And think of subconsciousness as free media, free speech, internet, renovation, imagination, ideas and opposition to political ruling party.
One-party system is rigid mindset - and rigid mindset is equal to personality disorder and mental illness.
---
Humanistic psychology.
Validate and accept yourself.
Root cause was trauma and exposure to relentless criticism while our brain was like a sponge. Now as adults we are stuck with programmed and conditioned reactions and triggers to criticism. This is called social anxiety AKA Complex Trauma or more accurately RSD: Rejection sensitive dysphoria.
Getting to the cause means education and learning about concepts which we were not taught in schools nor by our caretakers - so we must take care of ourselves, now as adults.
---
"therapy."
Chances are that people with social anxiety issues won't have money for therapy - or more likely have no correct resource to tell them what to heal.
Or even more accurately - social anxiety will prevent the exposure to someone who is extremely critical and only job is our evaluation of ourselves - the deepest social anxiety fear: someone's negative evaluation.
---
YT "how to overcome social anxiety"
1) "realizing everything's temporary"
Nope, unfortunately
this realization does not help with panic much when we need to expose or do some action.
2) "once you quit that job you won't see them anymore in your life"
As Oprah said in her show in 1990s - the same problem will simply appear in different pair of trousers.
3) "not waste your brain on irrelevant people, they pass through"
Social anxiety is Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD).
There is no cure for it.
It means that our brain is conditioned to worry and seek alarm and danger and recognize difficult people extremely accurately and well in advance.
Toxic people also have this condition, but they consciously choose to abuse others as a way to regulate their emotions.
For the rest of us -
information about neurodivergence helps a lot - because we can change the way how we see our fears, panic and anxiety- it is not something shameful, it is not something that is our choice, it is not something to destroy, hide or ignore. We can workaround it -
like being super sensitive to sun or allergic to peanuts - we need to be careful what we do and how we do it - instead of forcing ourselves to be super-confident or feel ashamed for having panics and anxiety.
---
YT "Social Anxiety Symptoms"
Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD).
Caused by toxic people in our early age when our brain was like sponge and exposed to relentless criticism and hysteria 24/7.
Now as adult we easily recognize and react to the same hysteric around us.
Ability to detect difficult people is not sickness nor pathology.
The only pathology are abusers who choose to abuse others and use unfair Power Dynamics to abuse and bully their targets.
---
There is nothing wrong with our skills.
Social anxiety is Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD).
Idea that we are guilty for experiencing reaction to abuse is self abusive approach of self-pathologizing, promoted by American CBT industry due to Pharma mafia - that makes money on human neurosis and trauma.
---
YT "How I Cured my Social Anxiety"
Social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
Social anxiety is not mere fear of talking. Social anxious can talk easily with someone they trust. So it is not speech impairment - it appears so when we are under threat or someone who is toxic and abusive.
"I wanted to be guy who was talking and outgoing"
This is shyness.
You never had social anxiety at all. You had social anxiety feelings and certain overlapping traits - but this desire to be super-confident and popular - is not social anxiety.
Everyone wants to be social - since this is Ventral Vagal - normal state of any healthy, sane human being.
"I wanted to be social"
Shyness.
It was shyness issue for you all the time.
Social anxiety is related to job, family dynamics, inability to form romantic close equal relationship - it is not only issue of going to clubs and having good time.
Imagine social anxiety as being stuck in toxic job with everyone screaming and yelling at you about anything and any mistake you make. That is analogy of social anxiety. Going to clubs is not exclusive social anxiety trait.
"Force myself and use that to be comfortable with people"
Shyness again.
Forcing will help to shy people - and fears will actually go away. You never had social anxiety at all.
You had certain feelings and emotions of social anxiety.
"Go outside comfort zone"
To make it more clear what is shyness and difference from social anxiety - look it like this -
comfort zone is not to be found in third world countries or jail or slums. And you never see in poor countries that they are organized, wealthy, happy or without crime. It is the opposite the case.
So comfort and discomfort concept will not work in unfavorable Power Dynamics nor toxic ambient. If comfort zone concept really works - then jails would be filled with scientist and mathematicians and therapist and everyone would be happy and progressive and industrious. The same applies for drug slum parts of cities - the misery and discomfort would surely propel anyone in discomfort to move and take action and be healthy - yet this does not happen at all, it is opposite that is the case.
This is because of what is called in Social psychology as Environment, outside factor, I call it External factor.
People with true social anxiety grew up in extremely critical environment which programmed them to be hypervigilant and to self blame about any mistake - hence fear of criticism in adulthood.
So any environment is toxic and will be toxic - since any remark will trigger the same trauma which happened in childhood : constant invalidation.
This means - problem will be toxic intrusive people who cross boundaries of unwritten social contract. This happens all the time - since most people have no social skills or empathy.
And with social anxiety AKA Complex Trauma AKA Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) to be more exact - we will simply notice such transgressions more easily.
Then exposure will never work nor help - instead it will make things worse.
For shy people - going outside of your comfort zone idea will help a lot because you will soon de-sensitize yourself to such transgressions - and your mind will not mind or get triggered when someone is jerk or has coercive control or is manipulative - you will simply ignore it (until they start to poop in your bed and threaten you with lawsuit and charge you for being rapist out of thin air).
Problem is when shy people like you mislabel "Social anxiety" and then with good intentions you instruct others to go "outside of their comfort zone" to "cure" supposed social anxiety - will only lead to more trauma and re-traumatization.
RSD has no cure -
but it helps to learn that over-sensitivity is now part of our persona, body - and instead of being ashamed of it, instead of trying to get rid of it or demonize it - to accept it, validate it
and shape our life in the direction which both sooths our oversensitivity and be socially active and have job(s).
This would mean - not to force myself to jobs which are obvious socially triggering just to prove a point or to be a "man" and "macho".
---
"You'd take your time and increase intensity with time. Same with getting better in social situations, push yourself to do more, meet more"
Nope.
RSD Rejection sensitive dysphoria means there is no cure.
Instead of making our fears to be prime focus - it is about shifting focus on our own well-being and goals and desires.
If you micromanage your fears - you will end up trapped in self pathology and self blame, and all your focus will be fears and panic and anxiety. They will tell you that you must go to that party, that you must prove your manhood by doing that task, that you must beat fear by taking that challenge - and so on.
You will never get some kind of trophies because of it - and nope, fear will not go away - since trauma is lodged inside our body.
Paradox is when we accept ourselves as we are - with all our fears and panic and fears and mistakes and flaws- paradoxically we will become extremely outgoing and remove toxic habits and toxic people out of our life and focus on health and well being - where being outgoing and exposure will happen naturally, as part of our our grand plans and goals - not as our primary focus to beat fears or de-sensitize.
---
YT "Mastering Authenticity: The Proven Formula for Overcoming Social Anxiety in Social Situations"
Social anxiety by official definition is fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
This means it is
1) being stuck in unfair Power dynamics where there is mobbing and someone mentally ill is abusing us
and
2) we detect easily fake people since we were abused by them in early age when our psyche and social skills were forming.
So - breathing and connecting with someone who is abusive, toxic, pathological liar - will not help much.
I think you do not know what social anxiety is,
you are mixing it up with borderliners and narcissists who are notorious for mimicking other disorders and pretending to be victims and hence convince therapist and medical industry in wrong descriptions of dysregulations which they cause in the first place.
Social anxiety is Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). There is no cure for it
and any idea that we must perform tricks to calm our anxiety (rituals to anxiety lead to OCD) and to micromanage our thinking patterns leads to personality disorder and self pathology.
---
YT "The ONLY Way To Overcome Social Anxiety"
Social anxiety is Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD).
There is no cure for it.
We react to criticism because we were expose to it when our brain was sponge and forming.
Now we easily detect someone who is slightly abusive - we can detect them easily to high precision.
That ability to detect fake and dangerous and abnormal people is not sickness.
If we decide to label our sensitivity as pathology - we will create more anxiety.
Idea to meet new people, be confident, to "overcome" social anxiety by ask question to strange or unknown people - is Ventral Vagal.
This is normal state of any human being: social engagement.
So... with our oversensitivity, with our panic and anxiety - we need to be innovative to be in Ventral Vagal state - without triggering our panic.
If we come with idea that we must prove our "manhood" and "face our fears" - will only trigger more panic, more anxiety - and we won't be in Ventral Vagal state.
Confidence is paradox - if you try to get it - you will overcompensate and never achieve it.
Yet - if you accept you are not confident - paradox is we will become totally confident.
Any kind of social contact will be mixed with mistakes and flaws and embarrassment. If we engage in social contact with idea that we are faulty, wrong, inept and abnormal and that we must fix this abnormality by "socializing" - we will become super anxious since now you put incredible pressure on yourself and due to RSD you have internal monitoring system like inner critic which punishes you for any mistake - which eventually will happen.
I would encourage to see our social anxiety as normal reaction to abnormal people while growing up - and now we have ability to react to difficult people more intensely than "normal" people.
We simply need to find a way to appease our persona, fears and social world - and forcing ourselves to challenges will not help at all.
Social anxiety is result of abuse.
So this means - abusers are still out there. We will meet abusers again and again. Not all people are helpful nor friendly - some only act like that.
If we decide to label our social fears as abnormal - we will drop our defenses and abilities to put boundaries and to detect toxic people. Then we will end up with someone who poops in our bed and tries to steal our money on mocked court lawsuit by destroying our image calling us rapist - all because we dropped our red flags detection - for the sake of not being lonely and to face fears.
Abusers choose to abuse. We did not cause abuse nor we triggered someone to abuse us. Abuse is total conscious choice - and it has nothing to do with our thinking and acting.
Problem is- when we are nice, kind, friendly, open, good, empathic - we will attract toxic abusive people like moth to a flame. They sniff out our fawning trauma issues from childhood - they notice we get triggered by criticism and unfair judgement and put downs. Then they use strategies to hook us up like grooming, love bombing.
We need to be educated about narcissistic abuse and RSD.
Idea that we mince and mix with all people around - will lead to re-traumatization and it will be like jumping in pool of sharks with our wound blood spurting out - we will be eaten alive - if we are not aware in what pool we want to jump into.
---
YT "Conquering Social Anxiety for Introverts in Real Estate #shorts"
You are mixing up so many terms and mash them up in message of self pathology.
Social anxiety can be Functional.
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety in private yet in business he could perform in front of billons of people without anyone noticing his panic.
Trauma was still present - and it ended in tragedy. His Complex Trauma did not resolved itself by his job and exposure to triggers and fears - it ended in tragedy..
The same for Prince and Whitney Houston.
Idea that we demonize introversion and shyness is sicknening and really disgusting and it is part of ableism and conformism and really sick narcissistic society that all we live in.
---
YT "A Clue into Social Anxiety #shorts"
Narcissists mimic social anxiety to attract new victims.
Borderliners play act social anxiety in order to appear as victim.
Shy people are told to have social anxiety because society is prone to labels and quick prejudgments to make sense of unknown events.
Basically this study is deeply erroneous since it does not recognize unreliable narrator problem nor pathological liars.
This explains why CBT finds hallucination arguments inside people who claim to have "social anxiety".
Truly socially anxious people would never expose themselves voluntarily to any kind of unknown group settings, negative evaluation or criticism - that is what social anxiety is after all.
Social anxiety is Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). Google its symptoms.
---
YT "I Had Social Anxiety 😳"
Socially anxious and social anxiety are not the same thing.
Preoccupancy with social skills is shyness issue, not social anxiety. Primary concern for social anxiety is existence of safety from other people. Not small talk or mingling with strangers. That is secondary goal.
You never had social anxiety to begin with. Only shyness - which is "cured" with exposure and narcissism and development of toxic personality, greed and abuse - which our toxic society highly values as normal behaviour.
---
YT "The BEST Tip to Fix Social Anxiety"
You never had social anxiety.
It was shyness.
Socially anxious are not primarily preoccupied with talking or meeting random people. Only shy people are preoccupied with confidence.
Truly socially anxious are scared of criticism and negative evaluation as primary concern.
Think of analogy of being stuck at toxic job which you cannot quit and you are experiencing mobbing and bullying and severe psychological and physical abuse at that job by everyone around you - and you cannot escape.
That is social anxiety.
Mere chat issues with some STD hot chick at bar is not social anxiety.
Problem is when you use label which is not real fact - you mislead people with true social anxiety into wrong direction, re-traumatization and self pathology. All with good intentions in minds.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)
low self-esteem.
avoidance of social settings.
fear of failure.
high expectations for self.
frequent emotional outbursts after being hurt or rejected.
feelings of hopelessness.
approval-seeking behavior.
-
YT "10 Surprisingly Common Anxiety Triggers You Need to Know About"
I would not encourage googling our symptoms as a place to confirm our own. This way we can end up with any kinds of diagnosis, at random.
Rather - we can write out our own experiences what triggers us.
With time we will notice Confirmation bias and Availability Heuristics - where different angles will emerge - because environment plays crucial role in our social anxiety. As it should.
This means - we will think differently when we are alone and without tasks on Saturday, than at job with ongoing toxic mobbing and bullying.
I hope that book writing won't cement your mindset into rigidity when you discover your own Availability Heuristics and different angles which contradict previous findings. I'll put quote from the movie about it below.
Good luck with book!
Social anxiety is always caused and triggered by toxic people, abuse and anyone who is behaving abusive and intrusive.
While we talk about triggers:
Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)
low self-esteem.
avoidance of social settings.
fear of failure.
high expectations for self.
frequent emotional outbursts after being hurt or rejected.
feelings of hopelessness.
approval-seeking behavior.
I discovered one iconographic which shows difference between shy and socially anxious -
it shows that shy people are preoccupied with Confidence.
I see social anxiety as alarm and reaction that occurs when we are in unfavorable Power Dynamics - like being stuck in toxic job and we cannot leave (due to finances). Then social anxiety will appear. And it is natural response to abnormal toxic ambient. Hence social anxiety is also socio-economic issue.
Quote from the movie about the dangers of rigid mindset and hence egocentrism:
You've developed this fixed system of beliefs which you refuse to submit to any kind of introspection. So what that means is that you will never have a new though in your professional life. You have got to learn to take those ideas, set them to one side and try to move ahead with one big question, which is, "Why?"!
"Shelter/6 Souls" (2010)
---
YT "The KEY difference between expressing your needs VS asking for permission"
That is "people pleasing" - Fawning is trauma reaction. IT is not personality defect as some claim. We are simply with someone who is punishing us into submission and fears and being pushover.
---
(7.3.2023)
YT "What are panic attacks?"
"panic itself is not dangerous and it cannot hurt"
What if the person who is triggering us is dangerous and can hurt us?
What about toxic people?
Why we never focus on abusers and trespassers and instigators of panic?
---
YT "Tame Your Inner Critic: Tips To Silence Self Doubt"
I dunno.
If we are in unfair power dynamics (like toxic job we cannot leave) - it is natural to have reaction of inner doubt, inner torment. I am not sure that if we decide to label our natural reflex and reactions to external abuse as something that we are abnormal and guilty for experiencing it - that this self pathologizing is healthy and good for our regulation - which is already triggered by already present ongoing abuse, mobbing.
Jung discovered if we stifle down our negative, bad emotions (shadow) - that we will develop mental illness. I agree with him. Our emotions are normal part of human experience - they are messengers and alarm system about cues and hidden agenda in our environment such as people who are covert narcs, unreliable narrators and pathological liars - so they present themselves as good and helpful - but underneath they have evil agenda (like tormenting their target of abuse).
Then the only signal that we are in toxic ambient - will be our inner critic.
Also - inner critic is too vague term.
If we pathologize it, suppress it and reject it - we will miss clues that reveal certain conditions which explain who we are and why we react in particular way. Like - if I feel social anxiety - I will google my symptoms - and random google search or self help industry or CBT - will explain social anxiety as abnormality, sickness and hallucination that we generate and create by our thinking (ABC Model). This approach then leads to Deficiency motivation (which never is functional, it does not work) and also to Micromanaging - which is extremely unhealthy and detrimental approach.
While in reality - if we studied and write and listen to our "inner critic" and "Social anxiety" - it would actually reveal with education from the correct source - that this inner critic and social anxiety is actually condition called Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD).
Problem with rituals and techniques and mechanisms against anxiety - always lead to OCD.
We will built walls and then invest huge amount of money, time and focus and energy - in keeping those walls - which is not healthy , functional and it leads to mental breakdown down the road.
Another analogy is urticaria - allergy skin reaction: if we scratch it - it will make the wound and make itching worse. The act of scratching will make things worse than if we simply apply correct ailment like some anti-allergy oil - and then shift focus onto our goals and tasks.
Jung said: "What we resist, persist".
With hypocognition and hypercognition - we will either pathologize mysterious issues we face in life or label them as something that is not - and make detrimental decisions down the road as the direct result of misdiagnosing our issues.
I see our unconscious mind as guide and opposition and correct system - it is alarm system.
If we have inner critic issues, anxiety: and we do not cause it deliberately - it is clear that something toxic is on our midst. Someone toxic is causing this - I call this External Factor.
I would not go in the direction of self corrective plastic surgeries and labeling our mind as abnormal and pathology.
---
(7.3.2023)
"Yes you can, otherwise people would stay the same"
People change their logic.
The point of unconsciousness is that it is subconscious - it is below our awareness.
Like ice-berg - you have no idea (unless you have modern sonar/radar equipment) how large the ice berg is- you do not see it, you cannot estimate how large it is and what it looks like.
Charcot who first professionally handled the subconscious mind - used hypnosis as an insight - to evaluate and check the ice-berg. It was not used to chip off the berg and remove or reject parts which he did not like or add new particles on top of it.
Then he used this knowledge to make better decisions about what is on the surface.
---
(8.3.2023)
YT "Why Do People Lose Confidence?"
Your video from last week about Power dynamics was amazing insight and help and missing puzzle.
I learned about it in the same time with Doctor Snipes video about Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) which aligns with your video now,
"It's because they are taught to be insecure. You used to be confident and then what happened? As you hit puberty you had particular experiences that caused you to lose confidence. Then suddenly you became insecure"
This information is extremely helpful - because we get default CBT societal mis-diagnosis of our exposure to toxic ambient as our own personality flaw and personal choice. Then this mis-diagnosis that we are "weak" and we simply need to be "strong" - adds up to already present trauma and wound.
Your information helps a lot to realize we are not to self blame nor self pathologize ourselves for our experiences in life which we did not instigate in the first place - and that we accept and love ourselves as we are - with all our learned defense mechanisms which toxic biased and un-educated society labels as disgusting and abnormal (people pleasing).
---
(9.3.2023)
YT "Assertive Communication - Introduction | Knowledgecity.com"
This "skill" will not work with toxic ambient, narcissists and psychopaths - people who are devoted to their egocentrism, fantasy and delusions and devoted to seek antagonism for fun, without any goal to find re-solutions.
---
YT "Assertive people"
Assertive will not work in toxic ambient - because narcissists are devoted to their fantasy and antagonism -
then our skills to solve problems will be used against us, we will become Sisyphus with constant trials and actions to find solution - and toxic ambient on the other side will constantly sabotage us.
Irony is - that the only people with whom we must find some intelligent way to resolve problems - are narcissists and toxic people.
Therefore - assertive propaganda is useless - it is money making machine , selling lukewarm water to naïve people who think there is solution to stubborn mentally ill people like Trump or Putin.
---
YT "How I cured my social anxiety"
"putting it into practice in the moment is difficult."
You missed my point totally.
It is not about putting into practice anything,
It is not about knowledge additional as if we are lacking something.
It is about realizing social anxiety is not sickness - it has been misdiagnosis by CBT.
Then when we are in abusive situations, due to misdiagnosis and wrong explanations by abuser and wrong explanations by toxic people - we stay dysregulated:
we try to fix ourselves, while there is nothing to fix -
we are not abusers.
Abusers choose to abuse - it has nothing to do with our shyness, people pleasing or lack of any knowledge - abusers abuse because they want to, it is their deliberate choice.
This means we can ease up on ourselves and embrace our sensitivity instead of being ashamed of it or pretend it is not there or trying to be "strong" and "courageous" and "assertive" and "skilled" as CBT misdiagnosis treatment tells us to be.
---
We'll have to deal with them wherever we go and whatever we do.
It is about learning that our reaction to difficult people is not sickness.
We are not the problem.
Toxic Society, coworkers, CBT which like to weaponize their incompetence - place the blame onto us, they label our normal qualities as idiosyncrasy and we believe them that we are the problem.
We're not.
We need to accept ourselves as we are - and find intelligent way how to interpret toxic people and their wrong actions and their opinions (misdiagnosis).
---
CBT is Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), it is found in any official resource once people start to search their social anxiety symptoms -
it is found in google searches, self help books (for those of us who sought help in pre-internet era- books and teletext or radio was the only resource to learn about social anxiety, TV did not had any resources about it).
CBT is main and default medical industry given therapy for social anxiety -
and it is faulty.
CBT is therapy of misdiagnosis, ableism and narcissistic abuse covered up as "help".
CBT claims that our social anxiety is hallucination, CBT denies abuse, trauma and toxic people and tries to convince us that only if we change our distorted thoughts that somehow people will be less abusive - implying that we are imagining the abuse and rudeness. That denial is form of gaslighting and psychological abuse - since how can limited CBT vocabulary know real life experience of every person.
CBT based its social anxiety conclusions on faulty research in mid 1990s where they conducted tests on shy people and narcissists - who mimic social anxiety but CBT does not recognize this over-lapping and imitation of social anxiety. Therefore CBT concludes social anxiety from shy and narcissistic perspective.
Shy people will get rid of social anxiety issues as soon as they expose themselves.
While narcissists find great helpful advice in CBT to continue the abuse since CBT claims that emotions are not contagious and that nobody can be abused without own will.
Instead of CBT I would encourage anyone with social anxiety to experience Humanistic psychology - check it out online - since it is based on validation and self love and self acceptance - instead of CBT's self pathology approach and self blame.
Healing trauma means accepting and loving oneself and using common sense and education to come up with answers to difficulties.
---
(10.3.2023)
YT "How to Get Rid of Intrusive Thoughts For Good"
I was prepared for Crusade mode just for watching the title, but the first sentence disarmed me immediately and completely:
"Intrusive thoughts are quite normal , we usually don't give then any attention. When we don't give a thought attention, it will fade away. The way we react to thought teaches us brain to pay attention or not. Intrusive thought comes from amygdala – part of brain developed to keep us alive."
Yes!
Intrusive thoughts are totally normal - it is triggered by something or someone, like Seesaw effect.
Enter people who are in abusive contact, covert narcissistic abuse filled with gaslighting, blaming and ongoing criticizing. Simply being in contact with someone who is toxic but appears as neutral or friendly - will keep us stuck in intrusive thoughts, and from our perspective it will appear as if we are generating these thoughts out of the blue, that we are guilty ones, that our brain is abnormal and making us focus on such PureOCD rumination post-event rumination thoughts - while in reality we are exposed to someone really toxic (constant criticism, constant nagging and complaining, nitpicking our natural and normal mistakes and flaws and presenting them as our character flaw which is permanent).
When we grew up in such toxic environment with constant relentless criticism and when we attract similar toxic people in our daily life - we will develop Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) - which means our brain will have open wound - and exposed to criticism it will trigger our ruminations all the time. Without education about toxic abuse and wound (RSD) - we will believe that we are defective abnormal and that we must be "strong" and engage in civil war with our head - which will only make things worse.
Jung said - what we resist, persist.
Any reaction, any ritual to anxiety leads to PureOCD. While in reality - we could simply be exposed to narcissists who is criticizing us all the time and keep our child trauma CPTSD wound open.
--
(12.3.2023)
YT "Social anxiety 1-5"
1) "A good person with a kind heart who surrounds themselves with good people with kind hearts will have an easier time to push away toxic people."
This is not true at all.
Kind heart means overlooking red flags and this attracts toxic people.
Also, toxic people hover and reflect and mirror our acute needs - this is how they hook new victims. This is what makes them toxic in the first place.
Our kindness will not be enough to expel toxicity when toxicity comes as Trojan Horse.
2) "Knowing that being average is OK, can relieve a lot of self imposed pressure"
It cannot relieve constant criticism and nagging by toxic people or average people who have no idea what anxiety means or trauma so they "handle" other people's trauma panic as being lazy or deliberately annoying. We are talking here about larger scale of society being dumb and non educated about neurodivergency.
3) "Consistency is a good thing"
If we study effect of emotional abuse and psychological abuse and exposure to relentless criticism (even with good intentions" we can see that we won't be able to be consistent in anything.
So if we decide to self blame and self accuse ourselves for not being consistent enough - this is unfair and it is a form of self abuse based on lack of education how much coercive control affects unrecognized targets of abuse.
4) "good person with a kind heart can push away toxic people"
This statement is abusive, untrue and non-professional.
Rape victims according to this "definition" are guilty for what happened to them.
5) "Anyone can suffer from social anxiety. Even people from happy, healthy homes. Even people who have had no abuse."
When I wrote topic "All people have social anxiety" at reddit' main forum about social anxiety - I got deleted, later banner and a lot of commentators accused me that I am telling lies.
---
(13.3.2023)
YT "Social Anxiety"
"Social anxiety is fear of exposure to unknown unfamiliar people or situations"
Nope. That is agoraphobia.
Social anxiety is fear of criticism and unfair evaluation - check out DSM and CBT official definitions of social anxiety.
"Marked fear or anxiety about one or more social situations in which the individual is exposed to possible scrutiny by others."
"such as Public speaking"
Fear of public speaking is different type of anxiety.
"Set goals"
Core social anxiety motor is toxic shame - which means there is no self worth. Instead of self worth there is trauma bonding and external referencing locus of control which means that other people control socially anxious - what others approve, want and desire is the only prime goal for socially anxious. That is why social anxiety is called social. It is not called self anxiety. Social is the cause of fear and anxiety - which means submission to other people and their goals and approval of any kind of action.
To say to socially anxious person to set goals - social anxious person will interpret this as I must do what other people expect of me. Without explanation of toxic shame, this is how socially anxious people will interpret idea of setting goals.
"Breathe is nervous in social situations"
This "nervous" is officially called amygdala hijacking and emotional dysregulation, because social anxiety is a part of Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD). This means - breathing will not help. Behind dysregulation is RSD rejection sensitivity dysphoria for which there is no cure.
This means - if someone who gives advice and appears as authority instruct socially anxious person to control dysregulation - this instead of calming down will end up as personality disorder - because triggers cannot be resolved - there is no cure for the social anxiety panic. Instructions that we have some control over trauma wound which is now incurable RSD will lead to frustration, self blame, self hate and toxic shame - since nothing will help. Paradox is once we accept that this panic is not curable and that this wound is not our fault nor our choice nor anything inside of our control - we will calm down.
"Being home and relaxing"
Social anxiety will occur in the work type of situations - when at home, negative bias and intrusive thoughts will be too strong to relax. Again, idea that there is some fantasy escape to suppress our feelings is not helpful at all. Emotions are not to be suppressed and repressed. Stifled emotions will not allow us to change toxic ambient nor do anything about it.
"Join support group"
In reality, narcissists and bordeliners and other antagonistic Cluster B monsters mimic social anxiety - and they will conquer social groups and lead the main speech there, banning and stifling down the real people with real social anxiety. Like reddit main forum for social anxiety.
"Reward yourself"
It seems to me you do not understand social anxiety.
Social anxiety has triggers in social - it is not called Self anxiety. Problem is social, other people.
Rude people, aggressive people, violent and antagonistic people, critics, naggings, complainers, constant and relentless.
Why would we award ourselves for enduring this unacceptable social crap which nobody with right mind do not tolerate anyway?
"Seek therapy"
Unfortunately the main default therapy for social anxiety is CBT.
CBT is extremely faulty and wrong therapy since it is based on ableism. The foundation of CBT is DSM and wrong research of social anxiety in mid 1990s. The research was based on shy people and narcissists who were mimicking social anxiety and hence gave wrong conclusions to CBT and DSM about what is social anxiety. Truly social anxious would never enter any kind of evaluation especially in mid 1990s when social anxiety was mis-labelled as social phobia - there was not even correct name for it.
"With CBT you can de-condition"
Nope. CBT leads to people pleasing and fawning - since it instructs that social anxiety panic is hallucination and that toxic people do not exist. It does not de-condition trauma which caused social anxiety to begin with.
CBT does not make distinction between social anxiety and social anxiety disorder. Instead it fuses it like sandwich.
CBT does not make distinction between high functional anxiety - and trauma information is banned (while WHO's ICD-11 recognized CPTSD)
CBT does not make distinction between toxic Cluster B monsters who are mimicking social anxiety with true social anxious victims of abuse by Cluster B monsters - and CBT fuses these two together.
CBT is therapy of misunderstandings, hypercognition and hypocognition, ableism and cognitive distortions - quick labeling and stigma and oversimplifications - which use limited psychological vocabulary to try describe complex matter with horrific results.
CBT does not recognize neurodiversity concept and hence ignores the fact that pathology is being anti-social. This way CBT pathologizes victims and targets of abuse - nitpicking reactions to abuse as abnormal and hallucination.
CBT does not offer any explanation how to deal bullies and abusers - which cause social anxiety in the first place, instead CBT is path to self blame and self pathology.
CBT does not explain Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and the fact that social anxiety is often misdiagnosed since it overlaps with virtually 99 percent of any kind of mental issues.
CBT does not explain that there is Humanistic psychology - instead, like North Korea - CBT serves only one rigid mindset and pharma mafia to make money on human neurosis. Once CBT does not work - CBT will label socially anxious person as lazy.
CBT does not validate abuse, instead it prolongs trauma and re-traumatize socially anxious by ineffective Exposure therapy - which only makes already present wounds open and forces socially anxious to fawn and develop extreme people pleasing.
CBT tries to destroy, pathologize, stigmatize and suppress emotions - which leads to mental illness and personality disorders.
CBT does not recognize that there are HSPs and instead it pathologizes someone's higher IQ and ability to think more and deeply.
---
YT "One Way to INSTANTLY Soothe Your Social Anxiety | CPTSD & Social Phobia"
I like this information and title -
soothe is the correct term and trauma informed.
Social anxiety is American misdiagnosis for Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD).
RSD has no cure - but there are workarounds and panic can be soothed.
RSD is caused by exposure to critical parenting, highly critical, relentless criticism.
"It is my nervous system"
Yes!
You got it!
This helped me to. The information about CPTSD helped me 2 years ago to minimize panic, but RSD information I learned thanks to Doc Snipes was icing on the cake - since when we understand it is nervous system that is the problem - it helps us to realize we are not choosing it and that other people have no real control over our panic - that there is some kind of reaction to abnormal circumstances in the age when our psyche was forming.
This is connected with Neurodiversity concept - which states that we need to accept the fact that for some people - brain will work in a little different way than the norm. There are people with conditions like ADHD, there are targets of abuse who developed fears and panic as reaction to abuse - and now brain will work in different ways than most people. This does not mean pathology nor disorder, this does not mean that our brain is abnormal nor that we must change our brain - since we can't anyway. It is about accepting it as it is and seeking ways to handle and manage it in manner which help us to be regulated.
I remember your videos 2 years ago - you did not have knowledge about CPTSD and your videos were based on CBT (which is found in 99 percent of any resources). It is great that you made such progress and came to the correct approach with mental issues - Humanistic psychology which is based on validation and self acceptance.
I would add - Reality Checking concept.
There are situations where we will be bullied. There will be abusers and Cluster B monsters around us - and they will trigger our social anxiety and trauma.
Then we need to apply the same information about Neurodiversity - and realize that loud, antagonistic, violent, abusive people are neurodivergent themselves (NPD falls under neurodivergency) - and this means we can handle them in different, more intelligent way - other than people pleasing, fawning and automatic fear and panic. Without trauma education we will see antagonistic people - who are prime triggers of social anxiety - we will see them as superior and better -and this will make trauma and panic worse, since we will make ourselves believe we are inept and inferior.
With trauma information we can learn that inept feelings are toxic shame - and people who are antagonistic are actually abnormal, which means they are not superior at all as they appear to us when we are panicked - even though they try to present themselves as experts and leaders and authority.
----
YT "How I Overcame Social Anxiety"
Social anxiety is American (CBT, DSM) misdiagnosis for rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD).
Shy people feel social anxiety emotions - but they do not have true social anxiety.
That is why labelling is dangerous, as you said in video.
Labelling leads to misdiagnosis, hypocognition and hypercognition - where we apply limited psychological knowledge on complex matter which takes 20, 30 years to study to know what it is really.
Check out rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) - it is all you said about social anxiety:
- what they think of me
"Pretend you observing everything around you"
Social anxiety is not agoraphobia.
Social anxiety - think of analogy of being at really toxic job which you cannot escape and people are yelling and screaming at you, accuse you of wrong job, calling you incompetent and garbage, they are violent and abusive at you - that is social anxiety.
Fears of random strangers - observing you - that is shyness. This is not social anxiety issue.
We need to write down our fears - over some time - and then ask why this matters to us - what will happen - the core question What this means to me? will end up to socially anxious people as being afraid of other people's opinion. This is because social anxiety is RSD - which stems from critical parenting - being exposed to relentless criticism all the time. This ends up as social anxiety when we are adult - other people criticism is unbearable and hurtful, very painful.
So this is not issue of Comfort zone.
Exposure will not help with this wound.
What will happen - social anxiety will become highly functional and we will become people pleasers and pushovers if we are not trauma informed - because we will label our panic as hallucination and then accept abuse and bullying and toxic behaviour from toxic people.
They will treat us like trash, we will label our reaction to toxic people as hallucination - and we will ignore red flags of narcissistic/borderline abuse and stay with toxic people and toxic ambient.
"Experiencing now"
will therefore be ineffective with RSD - or social anxiety. It will help with shyness.
"Anxiety is fear of future"
Yes and no. Anxiety is unknown fear. This means - we do not know what we fear. We are on auto pilot.
So CBT will quickly label this as fear of future - but this is misunderstanding and wrong conclusion, as anything that comes from CBT is misunderstanding and misdiagnosis, quick label and quick prejudgments, giving quick labels on unknown phenomena and distorting it in the process.
"Bring yourself back to be present"
Social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation. This means - being in the present is what socially anxious people are already inside - they are present with abuse and abusive people.
Shy people are not - this is why shy people will benefit from this information - and their "social anxiety" feelings will go away - since they will be focused on task - there is no RSD wound which react to criticism nor toxic people. Shy people will not be triggered by criticism, they will explain and interpret it as something else, while RSD will as social anxiety interpret someone's criticism as pain.
This is difference between social anxiety and shyness.
"I can talk about this for 2 hours"
Tell me about it.
I founded reddit group, I write blog, I have 1000s of pages about it in these 3 years since I document it.
"Try to remove any source of anxiety if you can"
RSD can't. True socially anxious people can't remove it - since it would mean removing people.
All people are critical. And any criticism will trigger social anxiety.
Also Jung said that stifling down our emotions lead to mental illness.
Suppressing emotions is bad idea.
If we hate negative emotions - we will never do anything about it. Instead we will settle in into abuse.
This is what makes a difference for shy people and truly socially anxious.
Socially anxious went through trauma and abuse - and now it is much easier to detect toxic people and violence in the formative stage with other people. Shy people cannot notice this - and observing others will help them - since toxic people are never toxic in the start.
In the start toxic people have methods to lure in others, easy targets: nice, kind open sensitive people.
This means shy people will notice something is wrong only after years of abuse, when their partner poops in their bed and tries to accuse them of being rapist and take all their money and destroy their movie career. Then shy people will notice abuse.
Socially anxious ones recognize signs of abuse and abnormality and pathology early on. And this ability to detect fake people is causing social anxiety.
Therefore social anxiety is not personal defect - it is alarm system which makes us see reality and abusive people early on, detector alarm will simply be activated.
“Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth” — Pema Chödrön
CBT tries to label social anxiety as hallucination and delusion.
In reality social anxiety is ability to Reality Testing . it is ability to see reality as it is and reality is painful.
All people wear mask - mostly this is not dangerous nor pathology - mask is simply to cover up personal flaws. 30 percent of people however wear mask to hurt harm and abuse other people to exploit them and mask serves as agenda.
People who were abused notice this quickly and this causes social anxiety.
That is why social anxiety is called Social. It is not called Self anxiety. It is social - fear lies in the social - social is trigger of fear - not self mind.
"Hang less with toxic people"
And CBT labels this as avoidance.
Sometimes we cannot cut contact with toxic people -
that is why I use analogy of toxic job.
Some people do not leave in wealthy and prosperous parts of UK or USA. Some people get the low payed job through connections and even paying to get job (like corrupt Balkans) because jobs are scarce.
So if you do not want to be homeless or commit suicide because you live in the streets exposed to hooligans and abuse from random strangers and hunger - you must fawn and people please abusive narcissistic people at job.
Or situations like marriage - where you cannot simply leave verbally abusive partner due to children and/ or money issues and shelter.
This means social anxiety is also socioeconomic issue and it is connected with narcissists and abusers in authority, politics, marketing and media who form public opinion through lies, stigma and weaponizing psychology.
Neurodivergency concept aligns with your insight about dangers of labels.
---
YT "How I Overcame Social Anxiety"
"being bi-polar myself I struggle with anxiety/social anxiety ALOTZ; so I get it and this video has great tips to combat that.
I know you don’t like labels however sometimes trust me it’s the only way external people will understand with how you are at times you know"
Labels both help and do damage.
To many people who have low IQ and poor education, when you tell them you have bi-polar they will believe you are serial killer and have AIDS. They have no idea what bi-polar means.
The label will help to those who are trauma informed and if not to those with empathy.
---
YT "#Social anxiety check "
This is caused by overprotective or neglectful parents who criticize our every mistake - either to protect us or punish us, so that they regulate their untreated unrecognized NPD borderline issues.
---
YT "Healing Social Anxiety 🦋 with your Inner Children"
There is no cure for RSD :( I agree - Labeling it as neutral stimuli is correct approach.
---
YT "Social anxiety is ruining my life"
"I don't agree with you I think It's important to recognize it with disorder and not just a normal thing trust me It's not normal not everyone have this It's so painful"
If we stifle down our pain - ignoring it will not resolve issues.
Pretending the pain does not exist will not make pain go away.
Idea of normalcy is ableism.
This idea of groupthink and rigid mindset leads to true pathological abnormalities in system such as fascism.
Neurodivergency concept states - that brain can operate in different manner than presented in media, books, commercials which is accepted as norm, normal.
The bottom line is - if we are not anti-social - which means if we are not serial killers, if we have no hidden agenda to harm and cause harm to other people - there is nothing sick inside us.
If we believe that our ability to detect danger to be sensitive is sickness - we will cause personality disorder inside us.
---
(14.3.2023)
YT "Overcoming the Impostor: Silence Your Inner Critic and Lead with Confidence | Audiobook Sample"
I learned that what we resist will persist, as Jung said.
Inner critic is result of traumatized brain and psyche and persona in highly critiquing parenting and toxic environment.
This is now Rejection Sensitivity - there is no cure for it, we need to accept it as internal eternal wound.
If we nitpick it we will destroy our persona in this plastic surgery pursuit and hence develop serious personality disorder, if not worse.
Rather than Crusade and poacher's magic potions which are lukewarm water (various techniques which do not work in real life) - I would see acceptance and validation as the correct approach - since the wound was causes by invalidation trauma.
Inner critic is symptom of toxic shame internalized.
Toxic shame is deep seated belief we are inept and imposters, while other people are competent, normal and strong.
With this wound inside us - if we go into direction of building fake mask of superiority - we will create narcissistic disorder and potentially psychopathy - since we will attack others to feel good about ourselves. Superiority complex works that way - it constantly sees the world as battle and competition and tries to keep superior grand image by compering it with others and there is constant one-up-manship.
In real world - this approach will destroy relationships and real connections and instead there will be dysfunction.
---
(15.3.2023)
YT "OPS: Overcoming Fear of Other People's Opinions"
I would just add comment which I believe might benefit to most people who watch topic of videos like this one here.
This fear of opinions is root fear for anyone with social anxiety. So this means shy people, traumatized ones, and even abusive ones such as narcissists - all have fear of opinions. Narcissists (psychological abuse) cause Complex Trauma to children - with its repeated conditioned (Skinner's box) criticism - and later on as kids who grew up in critical parenting environment will grow into either socially anxious adults or abusive borderliner narcissists Cluster B personalities.
Both socially anxious and NPDs - they all have hidden root wound which is banned and not recognized by CBT - since this information about Complex Trauma would mean that emotions are contagious and being rude and critical can hurt - create brain injury to other people in damaging way if exposed to long period of time, and medical industry is not prepared for this information to be broadcasted to masses.
Google: "Long term exposure to narcissistic abuse causes brain injury".
Well - this injury is called "Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) " - and anyone who has constant fear of criticism and yelling and abnormal temper tantrum reactions from other people - has this - and we were victims of relentless criticism in our youth.
Now we have "fear of opinion" or someone's mood swings and hysterical emotional reactions.
This RSD concept is not diagnosis, it is not sickness. IT is simple a reflex of being stuck in invalidating environment in early age when our brain and psyche and persona was forming - and now we have injury - which causes us to appear socially anxious.
RSD is common in autism, since autistic people are commonly corrected and told what to do and told that their behaviour is abnormal - which with time comes down to fear of criticism, too.
RSD has no cure and it is not being researched - since Pharma mafia is making huge profits on neurotics and victims of abuse. So as with cancer - without sickness there would be no money income for evil people in this world.
As RSD has no cure - this information alone is helpful guide - so that we do not waste time, energy and focus on CBT advice to be strong or to write down our fears and overcome them through exposure (which will never help since we are not afraid, the fear nor confidence are not core issue with RSD), nor it will help CBT "advice" to nitpick our thoughts through ABC model which only leads to personality disorder.
What will help are videos like this - to realize to detach from other person crap and realize that we feel "codependent" and trauma bonded and externally focused - because of this RSD wound, not because the other person has some power over us.
So basically we need to manually over-ride our injury reflex to worry what other people react to our truth and our own criticism to their mis-behaviour - which is the common cause for stifling down our own opinions.
With RSD information we can learn that other people's over-reaction is their own wound which they have no idea that it exists - and as it is said in video - this is not our responsibility - we cannot teach them deep and experimental psychology in order to calm them down.
---
YT "How to get over social anxiety"
"why I’m seen as the “weird kid”"
Yeah. And the world does not know about "Neurodivergeny" concept - so the society is filled with ableism.
Which means - anyone who appears shy will be labeled as weird.
Anyone who is different from the "norm" will be stigmatized.
Then this stigma and bullying causes new layers of social anxiety on the top of existing one.
Social anxiety is product of being exposed to relentless criticism 24/7 when our psyche and persona was forming. Now we have RSD - which most autistic people have - due to exposure to constant and relentless correcting disciplined behaviour and actions from others.
Being exposed to constant criticism, naggings, complaining, intrusive comments - will create RSD -
and then society and faulty medical industry such as default CBT will mislabel and misdiagnose our social anxiety as lack of confidence and mental distortion - which will cause us to create personality disorder - since our thoughts will now be labeled and stigmatized as abnormal.
---
YT "Do you avoid conflict? It could be a trigger to your anxiety #anxiety"
But as always - this is only one side of Rashomon Effect.
Rashomon effect is when each person is blindfolded and graps an elephant with their hands - and then try to be best described what this is supposed to be.
To come to conclusion what we are dealing here with.
With conflict and social anxiety - is is always mixture of these unseen and invisible sources:
1) Unfair power dynamics - where we do not have equal position, and we are inferior. Such as getting fired from a job while we live in poor country where getting another money resource is almost impossible
and
2) RSD - where our triggers to someone's opinion and criticism are result of living in critical environment in times when our psyche and persona was forming. Now we have reflex, a wound, an injury which is called RSD - and it is stifled down by official medical community due to Pharma mafia making money on victims of abuse.
Problem with idea that we label our reactions as abnormal - is that we will once again get more layers of anxiety - the same layers as if we did not speak up.
Problem at the bottom line are not other people, and problem is not our reactions - whether we are "weak" and "inferior" or "loud mouthed" and "strong".
The true problem are our triggers - why we get triggered in the first place.
And this is where Complex Trauma steps in.
When we learn about trauma (which is also banned by medical industry due to Pharma mafia) - is that we will learn that our natural and "normal" state is Ventral Vagal - which means being sociable and people pleaser and being friendly and open and solve problems and focus on tasks and goals rather than gossiping, fights and King of the manger mindset.
I am talking about Allegory of Long Spoons and overcoming crab mentality.
When we are no longer triggered - we won't be preoccupied about being right - instead we will be focused on what is right, what is truth.
Arguments versus discussion:
"Discussions are always better than arguments, because an argument is to find out who is right, and a discussion is to find what is right"
And as Louis Brandeis said:
"Behind every argument is someone's ignorance"
Without triggers - we will realize that conflict and confrontation is not about yelling and screaming or putting someone down and proving he is idiot - but it is really about Rashomon Effect - to see any problem as big elephant - and our job is to inspect it and come to common conclusion.
Difficult and angry temper tantrum people are usually with lower IQ and egocentrism - and they do not have hence ability to see anything from multiple points of views - so they cannot see the truth, they only see broken parts of it.
People with higher IQ have ability to see more dimensions and more angles - and this is the reason why we tend to keep quiet - since we know the repercussions and punishment and evaluation whether explaining and teaching someone the truth is worthwhile - since their brain probably would not be capable to digest new information which is incomprehensible to someone with lower IQ.
This is called Dunning Krueger Effect - where incompetent people are very loud, and those who are smarter are more silent.
hence silence - is not always being coward or social anxiety or shyness - as CBT will quickly misdiagnose it and make money from "treatment". Instead - our silence may as well be sign of intelligence.
This quick labeling and misdiagnosis which CBT is doing is called:
Martha Mitchell effect
"The Martha Mitchell effect occurs when a medical professional labels a patient's accurate perception of real events as delusional, resulting in misdiagnosis."
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YT "5 Thinking Errors and How To Avoid Them (Dyslexia, ADHD, Anxiety,…)"
The danger of CBT is quick misdiagnosis.
Being all rational is also disorder as much as being irrational - due to hyper-cognition and using limited psychological vocabulary we might end up pathologizing totally normal responses.
In real life - all people have bias and logical fallacies. This is the result of our limited brain capabilities and the fact that we are human beings - vulnerable and prone to errors and wrong conclusions based on lack of information.
Also - we might be in toxic environment around toxic people - who are pathological liars and unreliable narrators - and we believe every word they say. Then we end up being rational with someone who is deeply irrational but mimics being rational and friendly and nice to us.
Now CBT will do the serious damage - since we will end up with information by someone who is pathological liar as truth.
CBT is therapy of ableism - it tries so hard to be "rational" that labels any kind of different way of thinking as disorder.
Then people who are artistic are brainwashed to have some kind of personality disorder - which ends up as personality disorder due to CBT gaslighting.
This phenomena is called
Martha Mitchell effect
"The Martha Mitchell effect occurs when a medical professional labels a patient's accurate perception of real events as delusional, resulting in misdiagnosis."
So evil people or egocentric people, psychopaths and narcissists who mimic being normal - and who are in some kind of power position - actually will use CBT and DSM to harm anyone who is critical to them - and then psychology becomes weaponized.
As I said - all people have bias and logical fallacies, Confirmation bias and Availability heuristics - and this means - anything we say or do, any kind of action we take - can be labeled as "Cognitive distortion" - if nothing else - only through the repetition of a lie it will become true.
CBT is therapy of ableism and must be banned and replaced with Humanistic psychology - because the basic goal of CBT is to create one sided society such as fascism - where different ways of thinking and behaving - even though they are not anti-social - are labeled as sick and abnormal.
Humanistic psychology on the other hand is based on Rational Choice Theory - which means - unless we are serial killers and pathological monsters - all our decisions are "normal" and have their own purpose -
and any kind of dysregulation stems from toxic environment and outside factors who are hidden, such as narcissists and Cluster B monsters who usually sit in some Power Dynamics and command their version of "normalcy" onto people around them.
Another danger of CBT is that is labels negative emotions as abnormal and something to be cured.
So CBT is fascism and nazi technology - which eradicated sensitive, HSPs, empaths, victims of abuse - as abnormal and tries to brainwash them and perform mental lobotomy on anyone who is reacting to abuse and unfair treatment.
In reality - psychology clearly states to us that suppressing emotions lead to mental illness. So CBT is therapy of creating mental illness.
CBT was invented as short term therapy for murderers and criminally insane - like Ludovico Technique from Clockwork Orange (1971). CBT was misused as a tool to control masses in this sick Trump society where corrupt rich corporations create laws and regulations and default therapies.
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I am not cure that CBT is good approach for anyone who is neurodivergent.
CBT is therapy of ableism when anything outside of given social constructs is labeled as "disorder" "abnormality" and "distortion".
Problem is when someone in authority tell us that we are distorted - even though we are not and our brain is simply functioning different than people with lower IQ - this CBT label of "disorder/distortion" alone will stigmatize us and prevent us from participating in life, it will trigger us into trauma and "The Martha Mitchell effect occurs when a medical professional labels a patient's accurate perception of real events as delusional, resulting in misdiagnosis."
Instead of faulty CBT - healthy alternative is Humanistic psychology.
CBT must be banned - it is doing incredible psychological damage, as Glasser talked about it long time ago:
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CBT will label our way of thinking as abnormal, distortion and disorder.
Just think what would happen if Nikola Tesla stayed at ableist Balkan - where his quirks would be labeled as sick and abnormal just because he appeared he had OCD.
Now today we would not have electricity, radio, wi-fi.
CBT is doing incredible damage to neurodivergent ones and it must be banned.
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CBT does not help with feeling dumb.
Instead CBT joins into hysteria and adds up to hysteria - by labeling our natural reactions to bullying and inability of ableist society to understand that neurodivergence exists.
CBT focused on victims of abuse - and then blames victims of abuse for being irrational for being abused.
Check our Jane Elliott ""Blue eyes/Brown eyes" exercise" which shows that when someone is labeled as "distortion" - this Deficiency motivation will not help us get "straight" nor "normal" but instead it will destroy our self worth and install toxic shame instead. Without self worth inside us - we will be like cripples - since we won't have confidence to face difficult and dumb people.. and then CBT will label our lack of confidence as distortion and abnormality.
CBT is therapy of ableism and highly dangerous and detrimental.
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RSD is common response/reaction/reflex to persistent correcting and discipline of ableist society which does not tolerate differences.
CBT bans information about Complex Trauma and RSD - since pharma mafia is making huge profit from victims of abuse - it is constant influx of money to evil people in medical industry.
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YT "Boundaries are judgmental. #narcissism #narcissisticabuseawareness #toxicrelationships #boundaries"
Then without education - when we watch out for toxicity - CBT and google research - will label this hesitancy as social anxiety, something that is abnormal and must be corrected with exposure to anyone.
This way medical industry is victim blaming and shame shifting targets of abuse by explaining that toxic people do not exist and that our hesitancy is abnormality, reaction to abuse is abnormal - according to CBT which uses limited psychological vocabulary to describe complex issues.
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It comes with warning:
narcissists use grooming, as one commentator said.
Love bombing and mirroring means that narcissists scan us - see our deficiencies and needs - and then offer these to lure us in.
Borderliners especially do this.
Then when we open up and form bond - they drop mask and show their true face - which is sprinkled with help and service and invisible contracts - and we are not able to escape easily.
-
Pay attention to RSD.
This information is hidden from default therapy for Social anxiety.
Instead of telling us that abuse is behind social anxiety, CBT is telling us that we have cognitive distortions.
Now this explanation adds up to RSD, adds up to abuse, adds up to criticism - it does not help.
CBT is default automatic therapy for social anxiety. All self help books from industry, all google online search, 99 percent of You tube videos about social anxiety are based on CBT -
which is distorting reality and bans information about CPTSD (which is not the same as PTSD).
Now - if this does not shock you and propel you to investigate and learn more about neurodivergency, I do not know what else will.
We are literally being misdiagnosed with social anxiety.
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(16.3.2023)
YT "How to stop feeling guilty all the time. #ocdrecovery"
Why we always overlook environment and outside circumstances and external factor?
Why not address toxic people, toxic ambient, shame culture countries?
Why force CBT ableist mindset which stigmatize neurodivergency?
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YT "How to be Assertive: The Ultimate Guide💪🦸♂️ #assertiveness"
Money makes you assertive. That is the only "secret". No practice. Simply having money and build fake narcissistic mask with this mask to impress easily impressible people (90 percent of people).
Nobody will listen to us if we do not have money, people are sheep and like dominance, to be taken care of, someone else to be leader, who will make chore, force sheep to work and what to think. Media does not help with this distortion in thoughts.
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(17.3.2023)
"In Sheeps Clothing" - I read that, it was amazing book, I read it in times when narcissism was not disclosed, it helped a lot.
Regarding codependency - yeah I also had huge problem because there is no mutual dependency, there is no dependency IF and WHEN abuse is not present. Codependency would signify that we actively seek abuse when drama is not present - and this does no happen at all- people avoid, isolate to avoid fawning and people pleasing situations where they are unable to say no for whatever reason (finances, shelter, third party, service).
What I discovered is that there is a secret agent, Devil on the shoulder -
it is called Rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) - it is injury, caused by exposure to unfair and relentless criticism over long period of time. It is bombardment, assault with nitpickings which are very cleverly disguised as "help" and "service" and "discipline" and "teaching". In short - Toxic Behaviour which is automatically fused with abusers.
Now RSD inside our brain gets triggered randomly with criticism - and this sets us up - to believe we are inept to trust our self worth - and then we act like codependent, as if we are immobile - to third party we appear codependent, dependent.
I like codependency as concept because it describes a state of mind which no other word in psychology is able to describe; and that is that you cannot shake off someone's opinion, rudeness, aggressive and intrusive behaviour nor words. You simply cannot stop from taking something personally, it hurts and it is painful and it lodges inside, it causes amygdala hijacking and panic mode and learned helplessness - and this immobility appears as dependency to the third party who observes and listened to victims of covert abuse.
Due to hypocognition we end up with codependency as the only word/concept which can describe this RSD after-effect which is intrusive worry and helplessness at what appears random situations in real life which to third party (someone without RSD) may appear as minor or mild stress.
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."
Jiddu Krishnamurti
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(20.3.2023)
YT "5 Signs It's Social Phobia (Not Introversion)"
Social phobia was renamed in mid 1990s when "Experts" discovered that exposure does not help with calming down the panic. Phobias are "cured" with exposure. Social anxiety does not go away with exposure.
Then there is another problem: Functional social anxiety. The best example is Michael Jackson. He had severe social anxiety - yet performed without any problems at his concerts, TV shows and movies, his social anxiety did not stopped him in his work. The same story repeats with Prince and Whitney Houston - and they all ended tragically since Complex Trauma behind social anxiety was never tackled with.
Social anxiety can be Functional - and still present.
The very fact we are confident or appear confident and that we are outgoing - does not mean that social anxiety is not present.
Third fact - social anxiety is actually Rejection Sensitivity but CBT/DSM bans this information since Pharma mafia would not make money on neurosis if this word gets spread around. RSD has no cure - but we can find successful workarounds ONLY if we go in the direction of Humanistic psychology - validate and accept ourselves with panic included.
Society will explain that our social anxiety is dangerous, unhealthy and will render our life useless. This is half information, surface level information - which is misdiagnosis and leads to additional anxiety and personality disorder if taken at face level.
Neurodivergent concept tells us that our brain can work in different way than most people who have lower IQ and set "standards" of what is "normal".
When we accept our overthinking as normal, we will start to change for the better because we will validate ourselves, and invalidation was the cause of trauma and social "phobia" to start with.
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YT "What is Social Anxiety?"
Occam's Razor - short and sweet and hits the target.
Yep - it is what other people think, that is at the root of social anxiety. Because social anxiety is CBT's misdiagnosis for RSD Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
Now we can make it more clear -
what would happen if we no longer try to cover up our mistakes?
WE would notice that other people play huge and humongous part in our social anxiety.
Then social anxiety makes sense - it is called social+anxiety. WE will notice that anxiety stems from the social factor:
toxic people.
Narcissists - they use hidden agenda to control other people so that they validate their wounds and shaming from childhood, their version of social anxiety which narcs heal with being abusive to others.
Borderliners - who use empathy in focused way to lure new victims inside Karpman Drama Triangle where they abuse you as narcissists in mind games.
We will also notice plethora of psychopaths and sociopaths who trigger our panic and feeling of unsafety in social situations.
So it is both external factor - abusive people who may even use covert abuse to control us,
but also internal factor called RSD.
Internal factor makes the same damage as social factor does to us: that we are invalidated, that we doubt ourselves and that we are left with toxic shame and destroyed self worth.
Without self worth we are cripples - we become people pleasers and depend on other people to explain us reality and command us - and we end up with toxic people around us with their constant criticism and naggings and complaints 24/7 triggering our RSD wound over and over keeping it open wide unhealed.
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YT "Why it's Actually VALUABLE to be Detached"
This makes sense from trauma perspective and Jung who said "The foundation of all mental illness is the unwillingness to experience legitimate suffering." It makes sense that when we don't fight panic and anxiety and discomfort - that we will notice ways out and solutions which we would not notice otherwise.
And when we remove what other people think fear - what we will notice is stunning conclusion - that we do live in toxic ambient where there are toxic people who use punishment, temper tantrums, psychological abuse, coercive control to manipulate us. I call this External factor.
When we are afraid of what other people think and hence people please and fawn to real or imagined requests from other people - we never say No to them, we never reject their unreasonable and crazy requests - their requests by which they exert control over us and exploit us - we never see this manipulation at all. What we see is punishment and fear of consequences if we stop being Pavlovian dogs and circus animals who dance around as master tells them to.
Another factor is inside us - and it is called RSD Rejection sensitivity - and this stems from exposure to trauma and abuse while growing up. Repeated exposure to someone controlling and toxic will cause us to have default reflex: to be afraid what other people think and fear of their punishment. This RSD has no cure - but there are successful workarounds - and I see HealthyGamer videos as proof of that - there are workarounds around toxic external factor and our internal complex trauma wound which never heals.
RSD is like devil on the shoulder which actually propel us to people please, to worry about loneliness and ambition, to put more effort in chasing approval and validation from others. Which never happens and only attracts more toxic people who exploit our need for approval and validation and acceptance - and give it in control manipulative way which resembles drug addiction and codependency.
When we remove what will other people think - is that we will notice toxic ambient - that some systems are really toxic, unfavorable Power Dynamics (concept which Healthy gamer taught me) - where we do not have much choices or alternatives or innovations or ideas to solve issues - but we are turned into slaves for someone in authority. When we detach - instead of chasing approval from such toxic authority, we will start to plan our exit in safe way.
As Gamer said in the video - when we chase effort - and being stuck in Wronger than Wrong concept - we are not aware of what is really going on.
I see anxiety and fears and panic and social anxiety as Seesaw Effect. All these uncomfortable emotions stem from someone else someone in external factor (toxic people ) and internal factor (RSD) which are pushing those emotions onto us to feel them.
And we need to become aware to understand why it is happening and what we can do about it. Being aware means Depressive Realism - it will be painful to face reality - since it will involve cutting contacts and relocation and conflict with covert parasites that are attached to our energy.
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"When you get rid of the barrier though you get rid of the motivation. To advocate detachment is to also abandon motivation."
Nope.
This is what Healthy Gamer explained in this video.
Motivation will be there - but this time our motivation will no longer be fear of punishment or fear of covert abusers who appear to us as "friends" and "help" or "service". Toxic people are like parasites - they use heavy manipulation and coercive control and set up toxic ambient where we do not see reality clearly. We do not see what is true problem but such Machiavellians set up constant problems for us to solve - and we are not allowed to really fix the system - or we get punished, we end up chasing solving what toxic people randomly invent as problem - and we are not aware this is happening at all.
And we end up thinking that toxic ambient and toxic people is all that there is in the world - that if we cut ties with them, we won't have reason for life.
For example, if someone likes own sex - toxic ambient will make sure you stay closeted and any queer behaviour will be laughed, mocked or violently suppressed by toxic ambient and toxic society. Then you will end up making decisions in your life which aligns with toxic society definitions of "normal" life and you won't explore your differences or like or preferences, and you will end up believing that quitting toxic ambient means death and that there is no reason to live. This same principle repeats in toxic relationships with abuser or in toxic countries like Russia where Putin is presented as god. Or nationalist countries at Balkans where serving the country is the only meaning in life. Work extra for no money just because you have now country and patriotism and anything else is betrayal.
We are heavily brainwashed in toxic world - and our anxieties and panic are only alarm systems that something is wrong.
With faulty CBT we end up chasing efforts and not feeling anxiety and panic - and this only keeps us stuck with anxiety and panic.
Toxic society is ableism and provides absolute misdiagnosis which we end up believing and then chasing effort - which renders no results at all.
One of such misdiagnosis and false definitions is :"To advocate detachment is to also abandon motivation"
So we stop in the beginning - we do not even try it out since it is pruned off in the beginning.
The same things happens with "disorders" and DSM where our panic and anxiety and reactions to toxic people are explained away as disorder.
Once we are brainwashed we have disorder - we no longer even try new things - since DSM cuts us off in the start with fake diagnosis that we are disorder - so we are immobile from the start due to this quick hypocognition,hypercognition (false explanations to unknown concepts just in order to oversimplify it - and make damage in the long run due to wrong description).
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" felt that "loneliness" carried a negative connotation while "ambition" carried a positive one."
You start to understand "ambition" in negative concept/context when you get fired from long term job - and then you have time to reflect back that you will not get medal for your efforts, that other people can do without you just fine and that nobody will appreciate anything you did no matter how wonderful and helpful it was.
Then it makes more sense to do stuff in this world which we really like to do - rather than pleasing image and someone's opinion of us that we have certain level or position which appears acceptable by someone. And instead of chasing other people's impressions and approvals - that we chase our own intrinsic locus of control as ambition, not toxicity just for the sake of pleasing approval of other people.
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"This is easier said than done"
HE is not talking about Life is a Rose Garden here.
He is not talking that with Detachment suddenly all our life will magically become perfect and without problems and we will bathe in money and have enough of everything.
He is talking about mindset - that if we think in a way that we react to toxic people and hard reality of life - without looking it from more than one angle - that the decisions and motivations and paths we take in life will be limited and hence we will miss many chances how to react better in problems we currently have.
It is counter-intuitive but when we are in difficult times in life, when we do not have money, when we do not have perfect ambient as you described - not having room for yourself - we tend to numb these realities and chase for quick and easy solutions - which most of the times are wrong and create more problems later on. And the most damaging is that toxic people will always sniff out our default reaction to react to life - and toxic people will always magically offer exactly what we need to help us "solve" our acute problems - but with hidden prices to pay later on.
When we are aware and when we let go of chasing what other people think of us - we will notice far more solutions in life that we otherwise be blind.
When we cover up our pain and shame and difficulties - we numb it down. When we are numbed - as it is said in this video - we don't resolve anything, we simply react and make horrible decisions in life - based on reaction, quick oversimplifications, and our fears and panic become our masters - and we are not even aware of them being our commanders.
The same as Trump idea to build a wall - we invest money into stopping something which could be resolved in better and healthier way other than creating division and hatred in society. Then our wall becomes our focus in life rather than resolving acute issues which we ignore due to our focus in the wall.
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" learn take it one step at a time rather than worrying about the whole thing"
I would add two factors here:
1) External factor - toxic people who put coercive control on us, who are pathological liars and hence give us fake information and mislead us, gaslight us , so we base our decisions on deliberate wrong messages
2) Internal factor such as RSD which is like internalized toxic person inside us which gives us fake wrong messages of fear and urge to care what other people think.
Both factors are not easy to overcome but technique explained in this video helps a lot.
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YT "5 tips to manage SOCIAL ANXIETY with @KelseyDarragh #anxiety #socialanxiety #mentalhealth"
cool tips but they are not for real social anxiety. These are tips for shyness:
shy people have obsession with parties and talking to people and belief that they lack some magical super Hollywood confident skills.
Then shy ones enter parties, see there is no danger and then their "social anxiety" disappears and then they talk and spread the message that social anxiety is solved by exposure and breathing and skills.
In reality - social anxiety is 1) Complex trauma 2) RSD 3) dependent on external factor such as no money, no shelter and toxic ambient with toxic people.
Social anxiety can be Functional. Like Michael Jackson who had severe social anxiety in private but performed without issues in front of billions of people.
Social anxiety is result of trauma being exposed to relentless criticism over smallest mistakes in early age when our persona and character were suppose to build up in validating environment with love and acceptance - we received drama about smallest mistakes which are totally normal especially if done for the first time - like anything is in childhood.
When our self worth is destroyed through toxic shaming, unfair criticism and nagging and complaints 24/7 - we will tend to lack ability to trust that the world is safe - and we will develop RSD - which is not diagnosis. It is reflex which has no cure: that we must people please and care what other people think in order to prevent pain and aggression and rejection - when we seek something and when we need something important to us.
Then two things happen :
1) we attract toxic people who give us misdiagnosis and who lead us astray with fake explanations
2) we get used and taken advantage. when we are conditioned to care what other people think - toxic people, marketing, politicians - toxic authority will exploit our fears to their benefit and to our demise.
When we are not aware about RSD and toxicity - we will tend to self blame and we will end up believing that we lack skills, that we are abnormal for feeling panic - which is natural response to abnormal people, and that we must expose to abuse and toxic people in order to be "strong" and "accepted as valuable members of society" - which only keeps us re-traumatized over and over again and heals nothing.
RSD has no cure - but we can overpass it with validation and self acceptance.
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Seesaw effect tells us that we feel anxiety because toxic people are pushing us into it.
Once we understand that social anxiety is called social+anxiety because of social factor - we will start doing something about it like cutting contact with toxic people wherever possible. Instead of fixing our panic or self pathologizing our natural reactions to abnormal people around us.
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YT "The Fundamentals of Social Anxiety Treatment: A Guide for Therapists"
"If we're talking social anxiety – it's everybody to some extent."
When I wrote topic with this statement at main reddit forum for social anxiety - my post got deleted by admins there with a lot of negative comments that I lie.
"Disorder"
This is not productive not humanistic to label different way of thinking as disorder. This puts stigma and toxic shame. Neurodiversity means that "normal" way of thinking is not the only way, convergent thinking is in fact limiting and leads to groupthink. Divergent thinking is more innovative and ideas come from divergent minds.
"gap to perform better"
Stems from RSD and Complex Trauma. It is like Devil on the shoulder giving us wrong directions and urges and desires that mislead us. Therefore social anxiety is misdiagnosis for effects of being abused and exposed to abuse over long period of time - and true problem are toxic people , not our reactions to abusers.
"distorted self perceptions"
All people have filter, all people have bias and all people have logical fallacies and have disorder perceptions. Plato talked about this 2000 years ago. This is not endemic to social anxiety. If we are explained that our perception is distorted - this will be interpreted as we are freaks and abnormal, that other people are perfect and superior to us, and this will translate as severe toxic shame, and self worth will be destroyed. And all this because of self pathologizing state which all people have.
"video tape them when they are anxious and then watch them back"
I would go further. To prove that our cognitive distortions are normal and everyone has them, with anxiety or not - we could easily watch people with delusional paranoid disorders, with real disorders such as schizophrenia - and then we would see that they look and talk differently from us. They don't care much about hygiene and facial appearance and they stutter a lot and look different.
"then internal ideas how they come across are very different"
This is due to process called amygdala hijacking. When we are in panic mode our cortex brain switches off and our amygdala runs the show. This does not mean that we are unable to process information as other people, that we have total amnesia - it means that it is harder to focus and it is very hard to calm down at the press of a button or at whim.
"we are basing it mostly on our internal information"
This is not totally correct statement and this is what CBT gets wrong.
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety because of social factor. Social causes anxiety. It is Seesaw Effect. This means when we have social panic - it is because of external factor: there is someone abusive, annoying, dangerous who is triggering us. Usually abusers are covert and they hide their abuse through charm and gaslighting so other people will not believe us when we report and talk about elephant in the room which nobody else can see.
As I said - if we were hallucinating toxic people who trigger our social anxiety- we would behave in different way. Then anxiety would be present all the time. We feel calm when we are on vacation and on Saturdays when there is no direct mobbing and abuse which always causes social anxiety.
IT is narcissistic abuse that triggers social anxiety.
"People with social anxiety believe core belief being flawed"
And then CBT explanation of cognitive distortions adds up to this toxic shaming. CBT does not help. CBT does not help when it labels reaction to narcissistic abuse as "distortion" or "disorder".
"People want to connect and avoid rejection" "Fundamental need to connect with others"
This is called Ventral Vagal - and we learn about this through Complex Trauma information which is banned by CBT and DSM. Then being sociable is explained differently than CBT explanation which is limited and judgmental.
"We like people better mutual self disclosure"
Social anxiety stems from toxic people. The narcissists have coercive control and lies and unreliable narrator and they are pathological liars. So problem is on the other side, at the social factor, social element hence social anxiety.
Otherwise it would be called Self anxiety.
"people will reveal my flaws, flaws will be revealed, other will consider these flaws, will be judgmental, lead to harsh rejection, rejection will be intolerable" "This happens all at one, threat kicks in, anxious system help us to survive"
This is literal description of RSD.
Social anxiety and RSD are one and the same. Social anxiety is RSD.
RSD is not diagnosis. RSD is not sickness, it is not distortion nor disorder - it is reflex of being abused and exposed to invalidation in early age when our persona and character was forming and suppose to form in safe environment without judgement and criticism of normal mistakes we done.
Think about African tribes who mutilate their children early on to have long necks and long ears and cone heads.
These kids end up deformed - they are not disordered, they do not have distortions. Their necks function fine, their through functions fine without problems, their hearing organs are working fine and they do not have brain deformities - yet they do not look like other kids, adults due to this mutilation of body early on.
That is RSD. We were massacred emotionally while kids - and now we have RSD - which is reflex to abnormal abuse in our childhood - by being exposed to relentless criticism 24/7-
Information banned by CBT and DSM is misdiagnosis of social anxiety which is actually - RSD:
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YT "Rejection Sensitivity: The Real Reason You're Struggling in Relationships"
I intuitively start mediation in 2007 - been struggling with social anxiety since 1989.
I even attended Buddhist lectures for years.
In 2015 I learned about PureOCD and there I learned that any reaction to anxiety is OCD and it is ritual which makes anxiety worse. So I stopped with mediation.
Idea was - what will happen when there is real drama - and if 1) meditation is not possible in the time when incident is happening - there is no use depending on mediation to resolve issues 2) when I start to respond to real life issues with escapism - I will resort back to avoidance.
What I see here is that meditation is form of Humanistic psychology. It could be writing and blogging - which I do for 3 years - writing helped a lot to sort it out - CrappyChilldhood Fairy told this technique - and it works.
I have blog with social anxiety which actually helped me to get to Rejection Sensitivity information since I dig the tunnel in the right direction. Doctor Snipes talked about it last month and then I realized that social anxiety is actually RSD.
As it is said in the video - this connection between social anxiety and RSD is still not made and many people are misdiagnosed.
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Yep. Constant criticism and nitpicking 24/7.
The link is almost impossible to find and discover - without heavy and deep research in psychology.
The information out there from CBT and DSM is misleading and makes us feel like freaks and that we choose these panic issues, it is filled with self pathology and self blame, which only reflects self blame we feel due to exposure to abuse.
CBT must be banned - it is doing incredible psychological damage to victims of abuse through mis-diagnosis, hypocognition and hypercognition.
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Yep.
I have problem with "rejection" word itself.
English is not my primary language and rejection to me means that bullies walk away from me and leave me alone.
I like that, I have no problem with being rejected by trash.
What Rejection means in this RSD context is exactly the opposite - that bullies bully and that they do not leave us alone - they sabotage us through criticism and nitpicking and blame us. They use Actor-Observer bias and blame us for all that is happening. That is rejection. It is better word would be Blaming and criticizing and nitpicking.
---
YT "You Must Get To The Cause Of SOCIAL ANXIETY!"
When we are in toxic ambient - and when we realize covert abuse and manipulation is happening - naturally we will feel panic, anxiety and natural by-effect is loss of confidence,
This lack of confidence is not disorder.
IT is not sickness.
IT is simply the fact that we are waking up to possibility true real fact that we are surrounded by psychopaths, sociopaths and mentally ill people like narcissists - we are not the problem, our lack of confidence is then symptom, not something that is true problem, it is reaction to abnormality in external factor.
---
The point of Humanistic therapies - and Julien is form of it -
it is that you are given constructs and concepts - and it is up to you to become your own help, your own therapist. that you use information and apply it to your own circumstances, your own environment which may be very specific to you and extremely hard to help you - since many things are specific only to you - which you may not be able to recognize (hypocognition).
Think of it like you are trapped in Tham Luang cave rescue -
and rescuer cannot come to you. So they can only communicate with you via messages. You must be the one to navigate your way out of the cave since you are the one who sees the blockages, pools and escape route. Rescuer can only give you instructions how to build your tools to escape.
If Julien told you exactly what to do - it will probably harm you - since you are not able to describe your cave. PErhaps there is quick sand which you don't know it exist. So if he tells you go 3 meters right - you might fall into quick sand.
You need , we need to learn psychology and philosophy, be patient and educate ourselves so that we can learn how to help ourselves.
---
YT "Social anxiety recovery. #ocdawareness #ocdrecovery"
This is CBT surface level information and it adds up to panic and confusion - because what happens when there is bullying, mobbing, mocking and outright abuse?
Narcissists have plethora of covert strategies to abuse such as coercive control mechanisms, gaslightings, actor-observer bias where they victim shame and shift shame to target.
Social anxiety is Rejection Sensitivity.
This information is not available to CBT DSM due to limitation of CBT.
CBT must be banned - it created more damage and adds up to anxiety, it is therapy of hypercognition, Martha Michel Effect and self pathologizing.
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YT "1 tactic that cured my social anxiety #anxietyawareness #socialanxiety #mentalhealthawareness"
You never had social anxiety in the first place.
It was shyness which you misdiagnosed as social anxiety- since there are very over-laps.
Social anxiety cannot be cured with exposure.
This is called Functional Social anxiety - like Michael Jackson - he had severe social anxiety in private but performed without problem in front of billions of people.
Trouble with this shyness videos presented as social anxiety is that you give false and wrong message to people with real social anxiety.
PEople with real social anxiety are abused - they are inside toxic ambient and what you tell to traumatized people is
1) that toxic people do not exist and
2) that you can cure toxic people by staying and hanging around mobbing, abuse and bullying long enough until you feel lobotomized and re-traumatized.
---
Calling natural reaction to abusers and toxic people as "disorder" is ableism.
Learn more about neurodivergent concept and Divergent thinking.
Learning about Egocentrism concept would not harm you either.
---
" Can you explain how it differs from what CBT tells people to do?"
CBT tells us that toxic people do not exist and that we are hallucinating the abuse.
CBT tells us that we need to force ourselves into exposure to abuse and we need to twist and turn our thoughts to make ourselves believe we are imagining the abuse and toxic people (ABC Method).
CBT tells us that our thinking is abnormal, distortion and disorder. Hence CBT is therapy of ableism where corrupt medical industry gives us explanation what is good and evil.
CBT does not explain what we do with bullies, abusers and toxic people - it just says that we have to be "strong" and "courageous" as if we are weak and that our thoughts are abnormal and sick.
The difference is that Rejection Sensitivity is not sickness, it is not diagnosis.
Rejection sensitivity is result of being abused in childhood, being exposed to relentless criticism 24/7. CBT says that past is not important and CBT never explains that we can take free and easy ACE test to check childhood trauma.
Rejection sensitivity is part of neurodiversity which is apocrypha to CBT.
Rejection sensitivity explains that our thoughts are not sick not that we have disorder. Then we are not pruned off as abnormal in the beginning and we are not stigmatized anymore as we are with CBT.
Rejection sensitivity explains laser sharp accuracy points in our perception which are damaged by abuse - as explained in the video. CBT on the other hand instructs us to believe that cognitive distortions are endemic to social anxiety and that all other people in the world do not have bias, prejudices nor logical fallacies or filter - which is not true.
CBT instructs us to suppress our emotions and to label our negative emotions as sickness, something to ignore, reject , be ashamed of. While Rejection sensitivity tells the opposite: to accept our anxiety and listen to it, that we do not jump to quick easy explanations as CBT instructs us to create more logical fallacies - but instead to experience our pain and hurt.
CBT explains us that anxiety is sickness, abnormal and that we are sick for experiencing the abuse and that we are creating abuse in our heads with our "wrong" thoughts.
CBT does not offer any explanation how to handle bullies, abuse, someone who poops in our bed and tries to destroy our movie career by labeling us as rapist - CBT says that if we are experiencing such circumstances, that we can easily influence outer reality by our thoughts, that our thinking can prevent abuse from happening - which leads to schizophrenia. CBT "advice" that we cannot trust our thinking patterns leads to personality disorder. Hence CBT must be banned.
CBT is created by narcissists and toxic people to give narcissists green light to continue the abuse - since basic CBT message is that emotions are not contagious, that if we feel abused - we are guilty for feeling abused, and that abusers and criminally insane can hurt and attack anyone - and if anyone reacts to abuse, the target of abuse have personality disorder.
CBT makes huge money on neurosis and trauma - that is another reason why Complex Trauma information is banned and stifled down.
WHO's ICD-11 recognized CPTSD as real concept.
Rejection sensitivity is based on Humanistic psychology - that we validate and accept both our experiences in life and our reactions and to understand that worry and rumination stems from trauma in childhood - it is not our personal choice or inability to nitpick or lobotomize our brain with ABC method.
---
Obviously he has hypocognition - he cannot express what he lacks or needs due to lack of education in psychology.
HE knows something is wrong but he cannot pinpoint what is happening.
I tried to resolve this inability to voice out the issues - so I spend 20+ years reading self help books, psychology and philosophy.
Without it, I would be flabbergasted, too.
---
"Ok but how to overcome it ?
"
RSD has no cure.
But it has workarounds.
Start with googling it. Cleveland clinic offers great insight.
Check out my Psychology videos with relatable concepts.
The point is that we get education about it. It is like learning how to program, you learn the programming language and then you construct your own custom fit program. Which you test and see if it works.
---
Problem is that therapists are basing social anxiety on default CBT/ DSM which is filled with misdiagnosis and cognitive distortions, self blame and self pathologizing.
Humanistic psychology is best therapy for social anxiety, and what Julien is doing is a form of humanistic therapies: validation and self acceptance.
Social anxiety is part of Complex Trauma which CBT and DSM bans due to pharma mafia, making money on human neurosis and medical industry being corrupt and based on Trumps who were clever enough to disguise themselves as managers there.
Trauma caused social anxiety, invalidation - and CBT prolongs invalidation and creates re-traumatization by exposure to abuse, repressing emotions and stifling down reaction to abuse as abnormality.
CBT is Ludovico Technique from Clockwork orange (1971) - it is government tool to lobotomize criminally insane and socially anxious are collateral damage in this secret program of mass sterilization.
Afterall NPD never seeks therapy anyone:
NPD is only disorder where everyone around narcissists is seeking therapy but narcissist.
---
(21.3.2023)
CBT is therapy of ableism and self pathology.
Social anxiety is RSD - and this information is hidden from us.
CBT/DSM also ban information about Complex Trauma since Pharma mafia is making huge profit on our neurosis, the same for self-help industry. We become slaves to information which they offer is surface level information - such as smile when you are depressed.
CBT ought to be banned..
IT is similar to Star Trek TNG episode with two alien nations where one nation is selling drugs to the other and keeps silence that they are not sick, hence making money on selling drugs to the other.
RSD is not sickness, it is not diagnosis - it is reflex from raising up in highly critical environment when our persona and character was forming and suppose to receive validation and acceptance to build healthy self worth. We got relentless criticism 24/7 instead - and now we have social anxiety.
---
YT "Are you TOO nice or a pushover?"
If you check the comments with most likes in this video and similar topics - you will see pattern emerging.
People pleasing, being pushover, it is all trauma response called Fawning. It is reaction to abuse and toxic people.
Therefore it is reaction to unfavorable Power Dynamics - where we are unable to drop toxic people: due to finances, shelter, security, third party, service, documents, help - and then we are stuck on toxic people who abuse us.
It is important to notice two crucial things which are hidden here:
1) abusers abuse. They choose to commit criminal acts of coercive control and pathological lying and exploiting their targets. They choose to. Abusers are mentally ill, they commit their crime of abuse on delusions and mild schizophrenia which appears real in their narcissistic egocentric heads where they rationalize abuse - usually as being macho, strong and alpha or other crap. To appear grandiose in the eyes of others.
2) Abuse reflex, reaction to abuse, survival mode - is not our personality trait- we are not cowards for not wanting to be homeless and beaten up in the streets by hooligans as it would happen if we stand up to toxic boss and lose our jobs and rent.
Society does not see these two crucial factors and then gives us two wrong rationalizations which are highly damaging to the targets of abuse:
1) that we can leave toxic people whenever
2) that feeling panic and fear as reaction to mentally ill abusers abuse is personality characteristics. Such as "be strong" and "be courageous" or "understanding saying you cross my boundaries".
The person who choose to abuse is mentally ill but they are not mentally challenged. They have functional brain and they use manipulation to abuse other people.
When we are explained that people will use us and that we must "stop being pushover" is the same to say victims of rape not to dress provocatively - as if we did something or say something or think something that caused the abuse.
Toxic society never talks about abusers. Toxic society never questions why abusers abuse.
Toxic society never nitpicks or blames abusers - instead toxic society rationalizes abuse and puts explanations that we can somehow prevent abuse by changing our behaviour and our thoughts magically - then abuse will vanish and never happen.
This toxic society explanation that is is somehow our fault for being "Pushover" is highly toxic, it leads to toxic shame, personality disorder and deep guilt.
---
He oversimplifies fawning and presented victims of abuse as their own choice to be abused by mentally ill people.
He pushed toxic shame onto victims of abuse and placed invalidation and shame and guilt for being abused - as if victims of abuse can magically control other people.
---
Being assertive with pathological liar and criminally insane.
How will that suppose to work?
This is recipe for Karpman Drama Triangle.
---
People cannot influence their reality.
Belief that we can magically control other people via our thoughts and behaviour leads to schizophrenia, narcissism and mental illness.
Refusal to accept reality as it is is mental illness and narcissism, egocentrism.
Abusers abuse because they choose to abuse.
When you warn and alert someone in power dynamics -they will fire you from the job and you will be homeless and without rent.
When you want and alert someone who is not in authority -they will simply shift their manipulation and Machiavellianism into realm of grooming and love bombing - until they poop in your bed one day and have enough of Reaction abuse to their covert abuse that they sue you for being rapist and destroy your movie carreer.
We need to stop self blaming tirades which toxic society puts on victims of abuse.
Abusers abuse because they are mentally ill and pathological - it has nothing to do with targets of abuse.
We did not invite it, we did not instigate it and nope - we are not therapist or institution - we cannot change them. It is not our job to control or change other adults who are fully capable to choose their decisions in full.
---
Nope.
He puts false explanations about Fawning.
He puts incredible pressure on us - to make us feel guilty for being abused.
He provides false information by not explaining how narcissism works and what is coercive control and in what ways abusers manipulate others.
Instead - he places psychological pressure onto us and blame that our thoughts are causing the abuse and that we were stupid and abnormal for allowing abuse to happen. This is highly damaging and unfair and wrong explanation of abuse.
We did not cause abuse.
Abusers abuse because they choose to, they are mentally ill - and nope - it has nothing to do with our thoughts, behaviour or what we did or didn't do. Stop self pathologizing victims of abuse.
---
YT "Simulation Theory - Don´t Let This Social Fear Rule Your Life"
This can be dangerous.
If we reject reality - we will develop solipsism, narcissism, keep dysfunctional non-productive self-sabotaging childish egocentrism in adulthood - and eventually develop paranoid delusional disorder and in the end schizophrenia.
Rather then rejecting reality or simulation hypothesis - I would rather encourage education and testing, checking.
In psychology this process of reality checking is called Reality Testing:
"Reality testing is a concept in Sigmund Freud's psychoanalytic theory in which the ego recognizes the difference between the external and internal world. In other words, it is the ability to see a situation for what it really is, rather than what one hopes or fears it might be."
"Reality testing is the psychotherapeutic function by which the objective or real world and one's relationship to it are reflected on and evaluated by the observer. Wikipedia"
If we do not have technology to test simulation - it is obvious it is too early for us to believe in this possibility.
Without real facts checked - if we believe in non proven methods - we will delve into Dark Ages and regression - while our purpose is growing and progress.
---
YT "The Matrix Was Just the Beginning: The Fascinating Science of Simulation Theory"
Red pill choice is fallacy - usually exploited by mentally ill abusers and other psychopaths like in marketing, politics.
It is called False Dilemma:
"A false dilemma is a fallacy that misrepresents an issue by presenting only two mutually exclusive options rather than the full, nuanced range of options. Here's a basic example: If we don't order pizza for dinner, we'll have to eat the week-old spaghetti in the fridge."
Then we are forced into making decision and making deal or taking action in tunnel which abuser creates for the naïve.
Con-men fantasy to easily swindle average random people with half revealed information.
---
(imdb)
Those who struggle with social anxiety - CBT and DSM are lying to us. They misdiagnose and pathologize abuse we endured in childhood. Exposure to constant and relentless criticism and nitpicking our natural and normal mistakes in young age when our persona was suppose to be validate and accepted - we received invalidation and toxic shame.
RSD is not sickness, it is not diagnosis, it is reflex.
CBT explains away social anxiety as sickness and personality disorder. It is not.
Also, RSD has no cure but there are workarounds. Similar as described in this anime.
We live in toxic world where divergent minds, neurodiversity, HSPs are automatically diagnosed, suppressed, rejected and labeled as disgusting and abnormal. Education is then our only weapon and boundary against toxicity and true abnormality.
Learn more about RSD and social anxiety will suddenly make sense, everything which medical industry stigmatizes and filters through endless logical fallacies.
---
"How do you overcome it"
RSD has no cure.
That is good news in a way that we no longer need to spend so much money and time and focus on seeking solutions, buying industry self help books and spending so much time trying out and experimenting.
Now we have - with RSD - it is like mapping of gene DNA - we know what is total and true and core problem with social anxiety.
It is no longer mysterious, shady or dubious.
There are workarounds even though there is no final cure.
We will get triggered.
Solution is to educate ourselves about Complex Trauma and RSD.
Obviously - narcissists will trigger us - so we need to learn about narcissistic abuse and what to do when we are unable to cut contact with them.
HealthyGamer YT channel explaned Rejection Sensitivity, there are good resources. I guess Julien will also work in this direction to - when we hone down what is bugging us, we can easily limit the sore core problem with social anxiety.
Without RSD it is like tapping in a very dark room without any light on.
RSD is like LED lights in dark room - and now we can see objects inside it and learn how not to bump/hurt into them anymore.
---
(22.3.2023)
YT "Confronting Your Leader: The Brave Step With Unexpected Results"
Unfortunately in real world this will not work.
When there is someone whom we must confront in the first place - this is a sign that we are dealing with someone who is egocentric, who is pathological, narcissistic, delusional and has undiagnosed mild schizophrenia - therefore that is the true cause of all reasons for any conflict to begin with.
In real life when we are in unfavorable Power Dynamics - when we confront someone who is mentally ill but functional in hiding this pathological and dangerous illness - we will get fired. They will lie. They will use coercive control. They are unreliable narrators, they will obfuscate, blame shift blame, so any confrontation is doomed to being fired from job or get hurt.
In real life - we would already confront anyone due to miscommunication.
Narcissism is hidden illness, there are many pathologically sick people walking around and our fears and panic and social anxiety is not hallucination.
So yeah - I would go along with the message from this video - and check it out. What will happen when we confront someone who is stubborn, rude, unable to empathize, unable to realize that they are not centre of the universe - it will turn into disaster especially with functional narcissism, covert narcissism (sick people who appear friendly and nice and charitable at the surface until things don't go as they plan)
---
CPTSD is banned by CBT/DSM in America.
How this came to be official?
I am not dismissing, I think it is wonderful - since CBT is making huge money on dismissing trauma, CPTSD - if they started to recognize Complex Trauma this is huge leap forward in medical industry.
WHO's ICD-11 recognizes CPTSD as real concept.
Trump's medical industry bans it due to Pharma mafia making money on our neurosis.
Also,
next step is learning about RSD. That is the core entity inside CPTSD which medical industry keeps away from us to lean and educate us.
When we are invalidated, we are easily to be controlled and masses depend on Trump and other alcohol cocaine narcissistic scam in authority to explain to us our reality.
---
YT "CPTSD-The fawn trauma response"
Trauma responses are not good or bad. We cannot look at trauma responses as "wrong" or "disorder". If we do, we will develop toxic shame (and hence destroy our self worth) and we will develop personality disorder (since we won't have trust in our thinking patterns process and feel damaged).
Codependency does not exist in CPTSD. Codependency means we would seek someone to depend on when we are free. And this does not happen. When we are on vacation - we do not fawn to difficult boss from distance nor our toxic colleagues.
If we drop off our vacation and came to job in the middle of our vacation - that would be codependency - and complex trauma survivors don't do that - they avoid people. So misdiagnosis can be really dangerous. Hyper-cognition is easy for many therapist, please be aware of this danger to stigmatize others with quick diagnosis.
What lies behind "codependent" look a like behaviour and Complex Trauma is RSD.
This RSD information is also banned by CBT as it is CPTSD due to pharma mafia making money on perpetural misdiagnosis and stigma of victims of abuse.
RSD is not sickness, it is not diagnosis .- it is reflex of growing up in unhealthy toxic environment filled with repeated criticism.
Below is description of RSD.
So - we cannot look at trauma responses as better or worse. This is black and white thinking and it is cognitive distortion.
People pleasing is totally normal and healthy in healthy environment - where we are not taken advantage of helping others.
Interdependence is healthy and without pleasing other people we will never build up friendships, healthy business contacts , with neighbors, romantic interests, family any kind of bonds.
The solution to conditioning to serve cannot be resolves by shaming us or clicking some magical button where we suddenly become non- triggered ever again.
There is no cure for RSD - (triggers to make us people please to survive difficult people) . but there are successful workarounds.
---
Abusers abuse because they choose to abuse.
Let this sink in. They consciously choose to abuse.
Our reactions are not problem and if we decide to self pathologize ourselves we will re-traumatize ourselves.
Whatever we do - they will still abuse because they are pathological and abnormal, predators and parasites.
If you do not fawn, they will love bomb you, scan your needs and give you all acute black holes you have - they will magically fill them with all that you ever was looking for to make you their slave and in constant debt.
They are manipulators, all they know in this life is to abuse others.
---
YT "Controversial Thoughts on Depression - Is Andrew Tate Right?"
I would start with ACE test.
IT is available online, it is quick. That would be the first step.
With high ACE test it is totally reasonable to have reactions to abnormal people and abnormal events.
Unfortunately guys like in this video - they will leave their wives if their wives got sick - this happens all the time. The 50 percent of my blog and any comment is about narcissism and we need acute education about narcissism so that we can recognize red flags and cut ties with narcissists immediately - especially when we are not bonded with them through job or any kind of ties. Cut the crap right in the beginning, like diagnosing cancer early before it spreads.
On topic -
suppressing emotions leads to mental illness. Idea that we must never feel negative is not healthy because we stop Reality testing: we will crap fit into abuse and never do anything to relocate and move away from toxic people.
Without ability to see true reality, we will develop mild schizophrenia, too.
This does not mean that we must force ourselves to pout and build hysteria and ride on it - because borderliners would interpret message of not suppressing emotions as green light to abuse other people with temper tantrums.
And that is what these dudes in video speak about - they simply lack psychological language to describe it, so due to hypo-cognition they do not have vocabulary to express cutting ties with narcissists - so they see world in black and white - and end up egocentric and narcissistic. Education is the key. We must learn psychology and philosophy to understand our emotions and our goals in life. Without education other people will explain away our life with misdiagnosis.
Due to lack of education and due to hypo-cognition - Chads do not know dynamics of Karpman Drama Triangle and cannot discern how to step outside of cycle of invalidation and drama - without making fool and jerks of themselves.
---
YT "Great resource for your mental health #mentalhealth"
hehe I would write a book feel more anxious as opposite - to get mental healthy. I even have blog named as "Accept social anxiety"
IT is like quote from the Start Trek TNG:
The more energy we dumped into shields, it increased impact.
STAR TREK TNG "Drop the shields" - S5E11
I see anxiety as in the sci fi movie "Arrival" from 2016:
"Louise Banks, a linguistics expert, along with her team, must interpret the language of aliens who have come to Earth in a mysterious spaceship."
Anxiety is message from deep ice berg which is not visible on the surface, it tries to tell us something which our logic blocks because it is too painful for us to acknowledge.
Usually this is due to conditioning, invalidation and toxic shame while growing up (RSD).
Anxiety is essential to the human condition. The confrontation with anxiety can relieve us from boredom, sharpen the sensitivity and assure the presence of tension that is necessary to preserve human existence.
Rollo May
---
I agree. But this is called Sorites Paradox and it is commonly overlooked by CBT and Jordan Petersons and Andrew Tates of this world.
At what point something becomes label - and who is the person who is giving these labels?
Do you know how dangerous it is if there is someone in authority who is given power to diagnose other people?
Check out that NY police dude who reported corruption and was then silences through diagnosis.
OR Martha Michel.
CBT must be banned, it is doing serious damage, it is like giving Andrew Tates of this world the permission to run medical industry and "heal" people. Someone who is mentally ill himself.
----
YT "The confident part already exists in you! You just need to learn to access it #confidence"
And this is the reason why Shyness is not Social anxiety.
Socially anxious already know this fact - while shy ones who misdiagnose their shyness with social anxiety are obsessed with confidence - and that is the roof of their "social anxiety".
Social anxiety starts when our confidence does not help with abuse, bullying, mobbing, coercive control, abuse, toxic ambient - then true social anxiety stays.
And then we need information about Complex Trauma and RSD to learn about true social anxiety and how to deal with it. Where confidence will come naturally once we learn about emotional regulation, handling difficult people and not reacting to triggers - which are artifacts from exposure to abuse while growing up (relentless criticism over smallest mistakes which were not mistakes at all in age when we suppose to learn life).
---
YT "Take that step. Uncomfortable challenges for social anxiety #anxiety #socialanxiety"
Exposure is not correct path with social anxiety.
It leads to re-traumatization and anxiety becomes Functional - which is a form of suppressing and stifling problem down. Problem is that trauma will not go away if we ignore it.
Exposure needs to flow, it must come from our own conscious decisions, without fears, without panic.
IF we do not resolve trauma and panic and dysregulation and triggers - we will only make mistakes. This concept is called "Wronger than Wrong".
Doing wrong things during exposure is guaranteed because trauma stems from conditioning - we were programmed to invalidate ourselves..
so when we meet someone toxic we will stay with them and form toxic abusive relationships in jobs, romantic, any kind of connection with others. This is because with trauma we have unrecognized veil over our eyes.
That is the purpose of psychology and philosophy that we learn that this veil exists, that it distorts our reality, that we did not invent this veil - it was imposed on us by untreated mentally ill people around us during long period of time.
---
YT "It's okay to not be okay #mentalhealth"
Many people, especially kids without education in psychology or enough of life experience will hardly grasp this concept.
Due to toxic society we are bombarded with idea that not feeling happy is sickness and pathology.
Also on the other extreme, borderliners will interpret this not okay message as green light to nag, complain and abuse those around them.
It is not about accepting toxic people. IT is not about accepting abuse, bullying or mobbing.
IT is about accepting our reaction to toxic people, poverty, lack of resources, accepting our emotions which people will quickly mislabel as being "coward", "pushover".
It is about validation and self acceptance - since trauma, fears, panic stem from exposure to invalidating environment over long period of time.
---
YT "It's okay to not have all the answers when doing an uncomfortable challenge #socialanxiety"
When we make mistake and when there is drama about it : Problem is not us.
Problem will be toxic people who will provide us wrong information, lies, those who have hidden agenda which we have no idea it exists.
We need to learn more about narcissistic abuse, coercive control, pathologies such as psychopathy and bordeliners - because they will scan us, see our needs and then love bomb and mirror our needs to hook us. Then we will end up forming connection with parasites and predators.
All generations are indoctrinated by Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson ideology to be insensitive in order to be "macho". This mentally ill instruction will lead to large portions of people having narcissistic pathology - and they will abuse open, healthy, kind, nice, friendly people like us - so we will be prime target for parasites. We need education about narcissistic abuse so that we stop blaming ourselves when we get hurt - and narcissists will do everything with Actor-Observer bias to shift blame onto us while they have hidden agenda of exploitation and control hidden behind their backs.
---
YT "Exposure therapy better help my social anxiety #socialanxiety #anxiety"
Some people don't have money enough to expose.
Some people live in toxic ambient where exposure means being exposed to toxic shame.
Exposure is not always good nor helpful nor healthy.
If we live in Chernobyl we would not become immune to toxic radiation - we would die exposed to toxicity.
---
YT "Difference between a confident person and someone who isn't... #mindset #mindsetshift"
OR...Alternatively:
- They are delusional. toxic, mentally ill. Then appear "confident" due to it.
- They have money which their family parasite over, through criminal activities and corruption.
- Or they wear fake mask of superiority and narcissism which destroys anything healthy around them when criticized.
- Or they are not confident at all but have Fight trauma response, temper tantrums, being nervous and rude all the time which is mistaken as confidence by all.
- They have glib charm which is prime sign of psychopathy. With it they lure new naïve victims inside.
- They fake pretend for whatever reason
- they are simply annoying and irritating but society likes loud and annoying people so Pied Piper effect pursues. Pied Piper: "one that offers strong but delusive enticement. : a leader who makes irresponsible promises"
- they are criminally insane and highly dangerous.
---
I would also add that "Disorder" is wrong label.
If there is true "disorder" - then social anxiety would manifest as hallucination and schizophrenia all the time. As we know - once we avoid people , we do not have panic.
If we observe you tube videos with people who have hallucinations, delusions, schizophrenia - they appear different: they lack hygiene, they look in strange way, they talk in strange tone, they are not present with the camera/observers, they talk in different way, their topics are unrelated and mashed up.
CBT lacks Neurodiversity concept.
Social anxiety could be Divergent mindset - which is different than most people's Convergent mindset. Which is not pathology. Divergent mindset is innovative and all ideas and discoveries we have today stem from divergent mind patterns processes.
It could be HSP - which is not sickness.
When we accept label "disorder" - we will shoot ourselves in the foot because right at the start we are disabled, we are stigmatized - and as I said in the beginning - there is really no disorder to begin with. So it is false label.
Hyper-cognition is when medical industry gives around quick misdiagnosis based on wrong and limited medical vocabulary and give many serious misdiagnosis which makes more harm than good.
---
YT "The Genius Myth: Why We Need to Stop Excusing Narcissistic Behavior"
They are genius because they are active. They scare away nice and kind people - and then all resources are available to them.
They create social anxiety and RSD in their victims and people around them - and they have all chances available to them - since other people are isolating, scared away and not trying, not exposing.
Narcissists are not genius - they are predators and parasites - and this is their secret of their success.
They do not play by the rules. When caught - they shift blame onto gaslighted victims of abuse who lack vocabulary and strength to defend themselves against narcissists' false accusations and manipulation and coercive control all the time.
Coercive control is criminal act, it is criminal.
---
Education is the only way to deal with life difficulties.
Our brains were not made to handle toxic people, narcissists, mentally ill people like borderliners and other Cluster B monsters.
Without education and knowledge - we are extremely easily manipulated.
---
@Social Anxiety Kyle Yeah, we discussed this many times before.
I am not saying that I ban exposure.
I say- do it. Test and experiment yeah, I am rooting for exposure as a test and exploration.
What I know from experience that exposure does not heal trauma nor toxic people.
We will not learn how to handle toxic people - we will end up fawning and people pleasing them - and end up worst than before.
Another problem with exposure is that we train our brain to perceive exposure as task, something to be afraid of, something that we must devote time to worship and analyze and spend money, time and focus around it. This is extremely unhealthy and leads to immobilization and mental instability.
Correct approach is Humanistic psychology: where we realize we tune into our self worth, follow our instinct, good nature and let our needs, urges and instincts to naturally expose when we go after our goals. Then fear is no longer our god - but our own intrinsic locus of control.
WE no longer will be preoccupied with fear as guiding light/guiding star and instead we will follow our own inner GPS.
Third point is that we trust and validate ourselves.
For example Nikola Tesla loves pigeons. If he followed CBT - he would stifle down his mindset and special way of thinking - and he would try to be like everyone else.
then we would be without electricity, radio and Wi-fi today.
If our brain is working differently than most people - this is not sickness and there is reason why. It would be crime to put aside our individuality and dip into groupthink, herd mentality and conformism.
True exposure would be to do , dress, talk in our own way - that is healthy.
Forcing ourselves to do challenges leads to hypervigilance and dependance on other people to approve and validate ourselves.
---
(23.3.2023)
YT "How to say no without feeling guilty"
Ok,
what happens when we say No and when we are genuine and brave and strong and confident... and in the same time we are inside unfavorable Power Dynamics -
so we get fired from job - and we live in poor ambient where another job is not easy to find? How we will pay our rent?
What if other person is aggressive and punish us - with physical and verbal abuse? What then?
Will our guilt banishing pay our rent and keep us from being homeless and beaten up by hooligans in the streets while we die of starvation?
Can we get answer to this question over you tube gurus?
What happens when trespasser is mentally ill and they perform coercive control, hidden agenda, have smear campaign against us, employ flying monkeys against us, stab us in the back without us not being aware they spread rumors against us?
Why this aspect is never covered?
But instead all the focus is on our reactions? Real life scenarios what happens when we stand up to bullies and other mentally undiagnosed ill people are never put under the examination light and analysis.
Surface level information is waste of time.
---
We are not talking here about romantic relationships exclusively. Nor friendships.
Boundaries are important in business and family, too.
Yet - what happens when we are in unfavorable Power Dynamics?
This means - losing money, source of shelter, security - as the result of our boundary settings..
What happens to those who have third party - children, elder to take care of. It would be cruel to pack your bags and leave innocent ones stuck with abusers.
What happens when we need service, help, papers, resources from the only person - and this person is abusive and we have no one to complain about?
These are real life issues - and the truth is that we can't set boundaries when we are cornered.
That inability to protect ourselves is never mentioned and nobody talks about it.
---
HealthyGamer made video about unfavorable Power Dynamics.
This is extremely important topic- when we talk about being "assertive" and "people pleasing" issues - we must never try to correct our natural defense mechanisms which protect our mental health, shelter and safety.
People who actively seek and watch videos about saying No - 1) must be exposed to the truth what happens when we say No such as cruel and unfair punishment and 2) that our reactions, instincts, reflex to abuse are not sickness.
Many self-help gurus promote people pleasing as sickness and something that we must destroy - and be strong and courageous - while in real life, it is more complex than this easy explanation what we should be (tyranny of shoulds).
When we decide to be assertive with mentally ill people like psychopaths - we will risk our mental health and safety, even our life.
That is untold truth behind "Say no" videos.
---
I hope you do spend more time looking it below the surface.
It is extremely complex matter, it looks simple on the surface,
It is at the core of social anxiety - I analyzed it for past 3 years in great detail on my blog and reddit.
It is important that we do not instantly fuse our defense mechanism (fawning) with our self worth.
Toxic society does this due to Just world fallacy. Similar to blaming the rape victims for attracting the rape through clothing or behaviour.
We end up believing that our self worth is connected with being "strong" and "courageous" and this leads to personality disorder since we reject ourselves when we are in unfavorable Power dynamics (such as toxic job or toxic ties with someone whom we cannot leave right away).
---
YT "Codependency is dangerous!"
Codependency doesn't really exist.
When we are aware that codependency is dangerous - it is a sign that instead of codependency we are experiencing similar condition yet not explored and labeled by psychology.
Ross Rosenberg calls it Lack of Self love, self love deficiency.
Destroyed self worth due to toxic shame and abuse.
When someone is codependent - this term is used in addiction. Such person will seek the source even when they are away from the narcissist/abuser/someone toxic.
We on the other hand feel happy, secure and without need to please when we are cut off from the abusers/toxic people/narcissists. We do not seek to please them when the ties and trauma bond are severed.
Like on a vacation. We feel at ease and we do not want to end vacation to return to toxic job. That is sign we are not codependent but victims of coercive control, smear campaign, abuse, mobbing and bullying, we are entrained and colonized (Vaknin/Grannon). Our mind is synchronized with abuser who chooses through pathological lying and being unreliable narrator to manipulate us and hence control us through systematic agenda hidden as some kind of partnership mimicking.
---
YT "People Pleasing #youdontneedtheirapproval #counseling #codependency"
Makes sense.
The untold effect is that toxic people will criticize us to be arrogant when we start to express ourselves (where self expression is healthy, normal and heals trauma).
Then our moral and ethical compass will try not to be narcissistic, toxic and arrogant - so we will keep ourselves small and self censored - in order to curve, curb and calm our "arrogance".
This is the reason why it is important to pay attention to external factor, often overlooked by therapists.
External factor (toxic people) play huge role in our fawning practices, especially in unfavorable Power Dynamics where we cannot escape toxic people (due to finances, third party, safety, shelter etc).
We need to be aware that toxic people use coercive control, and that abusers appear friendly and helpful, they scan our acute needs and then mimic being friendly and appear to help us. Only to bombard us with corrections, criticism, control, nagging, complaining - which only serves their idealization-devaluation cycle mess their sick mind is generating behind the everyone's awareness.
Instead - we are problem, we are diagnosed as "arrogant". Then we end up with people pleasing as coping mechanism and reaction to pathological lying which appears to us as only truth and true.
---
YT "For highly sensitive people, it’s hard not to take things personally. Here’s my advice. #hsp
"
We take things personally due to exposure to relentless criticism while growing up. True for children of alcoholics and with high ACE test results.
This inability to shake off what someone says is RSD - banned information by CBT - and instead CBT misdiagnose us as "socially anxious" and or "codependent".
Education is our only weapon against constant misdiagnosis.
In real life, when we self-express ourselves kindly, when we are authentic and honest- we will notice that people will accuse us, diagnose us, throw temper tantrums - this happens because HSPs are magnet for predators and abusers and narcissists. Our bounderless mindset is attracting sick people like moth to a flame - since we will stay quiet when they start to abuse us and then believe in their lies due to out toxic empathy, when we try not to hurt someone who is crossing our boundaries 24/7.
Due to RSD we won't be able to escape Confirmation bias and Availability Heuristics and we will stay trapped in self blame and self pathology and when we google our symptoms - CBT will explain to us that toxic people do not exist and that we must expose ourselves to abuse and toxic people in order to magically "overcome it" - which of course will never happen.
---
YT "Why Most Highly Sensitive People (HSP) Don’t Know They're HSP | S2E2"
This is spot on.
I read Aron's book in 1997 and nevertheless I did no believe things she wrote in the book -
I could not believe due to toxic ambient that I have anything special or that I am HSP. Realistically back in 1997 there were no information/discoveries about Complex Trauma and Rejection Sensitivity or Neurodiversity.
I re-discovered her quotes from the book and it lead to domino effect -
I learned the concept called Neurodiversity and Divergent Thinking - which she did not cover in her book and hence did not convince me that I am HSP.
Medical community repeatedly is egocentric and ignores the external factor (toxic ambient and toxic people) - and this inability that someone can mess us up with their wrong information and hidden agenda as unreliable narrator leads to confusion and wrong conclusions.
---
YT "Do you find it hard to set boundaries?"
It is important to realize for those who are in unfavorable Power dynamics - that evil people create huge damage inside us - and it needs to be our priority to plan safe escape from tyranny.
Think of east Ukraine under invasion of Russia. We would be attacked, plundered, raped by Putins on daily basis if we stayed there.
This means - whenever we DO have control to say no, we must say no for our sanity and mental health. When we are not invaded by Putin, when our safety does not depend on staying at toxic job - it is imperative to leave, cut ties- warn and alert the jerks with NPD around us. Keeping silent when we have alternatives is extremely self-damaging for us.
---
"How do I stop feeling guilty about placing boundaries? It feels like I'm the "bad guy" in the situation."
LEarn about RSD.
WE feel guilty when placing boundaries due to exposure to toxic parenting when our psyche was forming - exposure to relentless criticism about meaningless and smallest mistakes 24/7 relentlessly. This over time turns into reflex called RSD - which is often misdiagnosed as plethora of real disorders such as Social anxiety - which can set us up with wrong therapy like CBT and their infamous ABC model (when we brainwash ourselves to believe that toxic people do not exist and we must serve them and give all to them and be in constant drama with toxic people who love and enjoy constant drama through us being "assertive").
There is no RSD - but there are workarounds - such as validation and acceptance and kind healthy and nice people who support us like this video here.
---
we do not get answers how to set boundaries and therapist often do not recognize that grown children of alcoholics and those with high ACE test results have no idea what boundaries mean.
We believe that boundaries mean what we have seen in our critical parenting: being Karen, hysterical, temper tantrums, criticizing, nagging, complaining, being loud and obnoxious.
In reality - boundaries are our character, our persona. We do not have this due to toxic shame, trauma bonding and external reference locus of control-
this is another issue which therapist do not understand - that children of alcoholic do not have self worth installed. As kids we were not allowed to express ourselves - we would get punished for talking, showing emotions, reacting to unfair treatment.
Boundaries are when we self express ourselves. When we do it now as adults - toxic people around us (and we will attract them as moth to a flame due to us being nice friendly open and kind) - will immediately diagnose us as "arrogant" or whatever label comes handy to them.
Boundaries are nothing special really - it is speaking up what is going on, reacting, it is criticism but not as a way to destroy someone - as we witnesses as normal when growing up. It is simply being authentic, honest, speaking up elephant in the room - big chunk of blockage which everyone's ignore and pretend it is not there. When we speak it out - when we voice the untold out - that is boundary.
When we do not self - censor ourselves - that is boundary.
When we do not shut up - that is boundary.
When we alarm and alert someone who is rude - that is boundary.
As I said - when we alarmed someone rude - we were in return been toxically ashamed and labeled as over-sensitive and that we see too much and that we "over-react" or my personal "favorite": that we must be "strong" and man up and stop being baby.
All these explanations are attack,
they come from toxic people who mimic to be normal and sane.
Normal people do not cross boundaries and healthy sane people are not rude. Ever.
Only egocentric, mentally ill people are rude - but in toxic society - being rude is perceived as being "competent" and "strong" and "normal".
---
It is difficult only in unfavorable Power Dynamics.
HealthyGamer talked about this on his YT channel. Most therapies do not recognize oppression and external factor - so they do not pay attention to it.
Due to their confirmation bias and availability heuristics - they think we all live in New York or Iceland or other Scandinavian healthy countries and hence have plethora of jobs which are easy to replace whenever wherever.
When we are in toxic ambient - setting boundaries will cost us our sanity - even our money and perhaps our life (femicide statistics).
---
YT "The Answers to the MOST important questions."
Meh.
Seems like narcissism.
You are self obsessed with your body and your mind.
IT is ok at certain point - but when you start to be obsessed with your own body and mind - that is not healthy.
When we reject external reality - we will develop autism and narcissism. That can be extremely dangerous since it leads to schizophrenia and basic dysfunction.
It is solipsism.
IT appears as perfect solution and answers to toxic life and toxic people - but avoidance and isolation - extreme version - is extremely dangerous.
Just imagine - this ability to spread your "messages" - you use You tube. If you were solipsistic and autistic - you would never have ability to learn English, you would never learn typing, words, alphabet. You would never learn how to use computer or how to talk or how to upload a video.
We need external world. It is really bad idea to cut ourselves and become narcissistically obsessed with snapshot of reality we hold in our head.
When we do not have other people to warn us what we are doing wrong - we might hurt ourselves and other people in this stubborness.
Without other people - we do not have access to information nor growth.
Without other people we cannot have sex, romantic interests, friendships, warmth and protection as recepient and being warmth and protection to other people.
Nobody guarantees us our health - tomorrow we might get sick - and we will need help.
Nobody guarantees us that quakes, floods, catastrophes will not happen - and then we will need help.
Please reconsider your philosophy - it is not healthy in long term.
Avoidance and solipsism are excellent tool for short period of time - when we recuperate from narcissistic abuse, pathology and abuse - like lying in the hospital waiting for our broken limb(s), body parts to heal.
--
YT "A Guide to A Full Awareness"
False Dilemma Fallacy:
"Sometimes called the “either-or” fallacy, a false dilemma is a logical fallacy that presents only two options or sides when there are many options or sides. Essentially, a false dilemma presents a “black and white” kind of thinking when there are actually many shades of gray."
When someone like you present us that we are in some kind of danger - this is usually a sign of brainwashing and hidden agenda - it is common tool for criminals to abuse and take advantage and steal from people.
This is exactly the reason why we need to think, as I said in my other comments on your channel.
When we are in state of meditation - we are not in control, we are not aware at all. It appears as we are in control - but this is narcissism, autism, solipsism, you are on auto pilot, philosophical zombie NPC as you think other people are.
People who are on auto-pilot do not use their brain. They lack education in psychology and philosophy. Without education in bias - you are easily convinced in someone's explanations and diagnosis - like your attempt to give us your "important" message. In reality - you are colonizing our world with your "absolute" truth - and you are not even aware of what you are doing.
Some people like you have good intentions - but due to solipsism you are not aware that you are creating a cult.
With time, when you notice that other people do not listen you - you will become angry and resentful and this can end up as 1993 Waco, 1997 Heaven's Gate or 1978 Jonestown.
In short - this is called Pied Piper Effect.
In reality - philosophers were exploring this topic for 2000 years.
Instead of North Korea approach or rigid mindset where you are convinced in one truth (due to usage of cocaine or other drugs or alcohol) - they discovered that human mind desires to be free and to come up with own conclusions - since true absolute truth does not exists - and science confirmed this with Double Slit Experiment.
When you try to force your truth you are creating Clockwork Orange scenario - you try to brainwash people with Ludovico Technique - while in reality goodness is chosen, it cannot be forced onto or into other people.
---
"Can you say narcissism again? 🤣"
You see.
IF you had true insight in true truth - you would not react this way.
You would understand what I am talking about,
since you do not understand it - you reject it and laugh at it.
That is egocentrism.
Without egocentrism you would take all kind of possible explanations about me into consideration.
This way - you only react with blame and accusations and mocking. That is sign you do not know the real truth.
Check out novel called "Flatland".
IT is about 2D creatures meeting 1D creature and tries to explain true reality to the inferior being. Pretty soon it turns into laughing and mocking on both sides.
Then 2D creature gets in contact with 3D creature - and then 3D creature makes better interaction since it is more evolved.
You cannot grasp this concept if you are "meditating" only and if you believe your world is the only reality and truth.
Albert Einstein became famous and got rewards because he explained us concept of Relativity.
In psychology- this is called Neurodiversity - where we start to recognize that fascism, one mind, one explanation, rigid mindset is extremely unhealthy and damaging.
There are plethora of differences and different sources and different dimensions - on all aspects of life.
The idea that we can put label on infinity is stupid the least and criminal at worst.
Pretty soon - if you had money and authority - you would go into Crusades and brainwashing children to believe your interpretations and your stories.
As we see in real life and history - all poor countries, undeveloped countries have this mindset - being rigid and believing on only one side of explanation.
If this is too hard to understand -
start with Rashomon Effect. Google images - and see iconograhic with elephant - where bunch of people who are unable to see . are describing their own portion of elephant.
And they give contradictory explanations of object they hold - and they are all convinced that their explanation and their experience is true and truth.
I am not saying that you are wrong.
I am not dismissing your experiences.
I only state the reality - and what human civilization has learned in 2000 years - and that is 1) everything is relative and 2) there is no absolute truth due to infinity and dualistic nature of universe.
---
"Can you explain Retort?"
Self advocacy - is short answer.
Like in a court, when you are being brought to trial and you need a lawyer to present your case.
Long answer:
I have noticed that when someone is toxic, unreasonable, angry - due to Rejection Sensitivity and Complex Trauma and exposure to criticism while growing up - I shut up. I freeze and fawn. I do not tell my story.
Literally I had been accused of things I did not do - and I would do nothing, I would not tell my story, my side, my defense.
I have discovered this happens due to set of complex reasons all of which links to Retort: ability to speak up my story, my side, my defense.
1) Trauma bonding - it is automatic link with anyone who is loud, angry, violent - that I see them as competent and I take anything they say as absolute truth, and them as a god which must be obeyed.
2) Negative Politeness - it is aspiration to not hurt someone's feelings, so you decide to shut up and not to rock the boat, believing that the other person is too fragile to hear the truth which would compromise their character, honesty, integrity, making someone look stupid, but you respect them even though they cross boundaries and they are rude to you.
3) Pollyanna Syndrome - similar concept where one has desire to see good in everyone even at the cost of being swindled by crooks.
4) Toxic empathy - where we rationalize and intellectualize someone's abuse
When these four elements mix - the result is panic and blockage and inability to speak up. It appears as if being a coward, a pushover - but in fact it is trauma, experience from past when we were punished for expressing oneself, being honest and authentic over and over again.
After all - it is mission impossible to make narcissists and abusers admit their faults and aggression - they have Actor Observer Bias where they will blame the target for anything wrong that happens and they use skillful dualism and double binding to place the blame on the target of their bullying.
Then we end up voiceless and we shut up.
Retort would be ability to speak back -
not only our defense but also idioms and phrases as a shield.
I even started to collect a list of retort words and I put them on my blog.
---
I will now copy paste a partial list of Retort phrases that I collect on my blog as a way to memorize them and use when necessary.
I forgot to mention on my last comment that Fight response is not goal here.
Retort is only a quick defense shield. If we decide to attack other people - this will turn into borderline disorder.
The idea of healing trauma is to stop being triggered by Rejection Sensitivity, so that we do not over-react when someone is rude and unreasonable and aggressive and pathological liar.
The correct approach would be to be emotionally regulated and reply to someone when they accuse us of something wrong without entering into long cycle of verbal abuse with them.
Retort partial list:
---
5 months later - and I learned that people pleasing is not really problem.
The true problem are abusers.
They choose to abuse. They choose consciously to be pathological liars, to withhold partial information, to present distorted reality, they have hidden agenda, they use coercive control (which is criminal act and violation of human rights) -
and as HealthyGamer said in his video about unfavorable Power Dynamics - in situations where we cannot leave, when we cannot quit our job, when we cannot simply run away (due to money, shelter, third party) - we are forced to people please in order to survive and to save our sanity.
I also learned that toxic society places harsh explanation about our image about who we suppose to be and what is moral and ethical.
Like, CBT is doing this insidious and dangerous mistake: to equate our trauma and pain and being abused as a sign of "cowardice" and equates our panic and fears with our character and persona, in form of quick bias explanations and instructions like "be strong" and be "courageous" - as if we are the ones who initiate abuse by our thinking.
This explanation by CBT leads to personality disorder - because now we are convinced that our thoughts are outside of our control and we must artificially govern them by trying to be god, narcissists, grandiose figure of uber-mensch god like figure without any mistakes or flaws.
I also learned the concept of neurodiversity - which CBT bans - and it means that our way of thinking may be different than dumb people with lower IQ who label our ability to over think as sickness and abnormality - while it is normal and ok.
I also learned that agreeableness is character trait, it is part of personality, it even belongs to Big 5 persona traits - so people pleasing is not sickness nor disorder - and in fact it is even found in genes! (CLOCK and CNR1)
In normal healthy ambient - it is normal to people please - to care for other people. There is no other way to form romantic, friendship or business contact - if we are not open and friendly. If we are antagonistic and selfish - we will destroy it. We need to have certain level of people pleasing - so it turns into disease only when there is narcissists toxic people on the other side who exploit and mock our kindness.
---
(26.3.2023)
rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)
I know it.
Once again - rejection here does not match the true description.
In either case - "rejection" to me is when someone tells me that my request is unable to be done. It can be neutral.
What rejection sensitivity and rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) are based on is when this "rejection" is not neutral - there is either negative emotions from my side where I imagine someone is angry at me - while they might be angry all the time at everyone OR they really are angry at me but I do not share the justification or explanation that they ought to be angry so it is unfair.
Yeah - that is the more closer description - unfair rejection.
Something is just not right for the word "rejection".
I think this is misnomer.
I think this misdiagnosis of name is the number one cause why CBT/DSM does not connect social anxiety with RSD.
I heard this term "rejection" a long time ago- in 1998 when I have read John Bradshaw's book about toxic shame. It was used and translated into my language as abandonment.
But this is not abandonment.
Someone leaving - this is more Borderline issue.
Rejection sensitivity and RSD are expressing communication mismatch, real or imagined between parties where there is emotion of not fulfilling your needs when you know that the other person can do it easily. Then the recipient of "rejection" feels tricked or deep sense of swindle and unfairness.
For example "Blue eye brown eye experiment" where blue eye kids were treated better than the brown eye kids - just because of the color of their eyes.
That is rejection - and it is more than rejection - it is coercive control, manipulation and abuse.
There is narcissists, Cluster B monster on the other side at some place of authority who mis-uses their power dynamics to hurt, harm, take advantage, mock or simply abuse their target for their usually hidden agenda based on prejudices.
Or alternatively - you feel this injustice but in reality there is none, but due to CPTSD triggers and anxiety make you believe you are being swindled and abused by someone who is simply not friendly (perhaps due to their autism or severe lack of social skills - which then appear as agenda to harm you).
That is why I think Rejection word is misnomer. It does not clearly describe this special type of dynamics.
This is called hypocognition - when we do not have correct word to describe certain phenomena so we used first oversimplified word - which usually leads into confusion and wrong conclusions along the way.
----
Comment 2.
The same thing happens with Codependency.
A lot of people are misdiagnosed with codependency -
and Ross Rossenberg was the first to discover that actually there is no codependency. It is actually Lack of self love, he calls is Self Love Deficit.
Codependency is as a term is used for alcohol or drug addiction and when codependent person actively seeks for the object to feel good.
What we see in trauma, abuse - is that victims of abuse do not seek drama for example when they are on vacation. Someone with toxic job does not break his holiday and goes back to toxic job in order to feel "at ease". So codependency overlaps with toxic shame and our destroyed self worth - which propel us to trauma bond with other people - and this urge to see other people as gods on the surface appears as codependency.
Problem with using wrong definitions is self-prophecy.
When we start to believe labels - we will soon act accordingly.
This is what Rosenham Experiment showed - that totally normal and healthy and sane journalist became diagnosed as insane in mental institution - just because doctors put certain diagnosis on them.
Labels are like a brainwashing, hypnosis - it distorts our reality and we have lens which forbid us to see all the angles and we are forcing ourselves to act accordingly even though we have free will and capacity to do more than we believe due to labels.
This same phenomena occurs with CBT and DSM and why psychiatry can be detrimental to our health as Glasser discovered. If we are told we have disorder - this disorder word is label - and we will believe that we are abnormal and other people are in order - which is not true at all. All people have cognitive distortions, filters, wrong conclusions. When CBT tells us we have disorder - we will now start to act accordingly - not because we truly have disorder.
This discovery that (incorrect) labels do more damage than good is now being used in Neurodiversity - where we can see that someone who thinks and behaves in different manner than most people - simply has the brain which operates differently than majority. It is not disorder.
In RSD - I see it like African tribes who put their children under physical strain from early age. For example they prolong their necks or foreheads or ears. As adults - someone from the West would label these grown up kids with cone head as disorder - but their brain is working perfectly. Their neck is doing its function - they can process food and water down the neck. And their ears work fine - they can hear even though their ear lobes are prolonged. Also - as RSD - these grown up children of body mutilation - it was not their fault that their bodies were abused by tribes. It was not their choice. The same thing as with RSD.
It was not our choice that we grew up in ambient of constant criticism 24/7 and now we have reflex to be sensitive about "rejection".
I would rather use some other term than rejection. RSD is part of conditioning, we were assaulted as children and our reactions and reflexes we struggle as adults are not related to rejection - it is inability to process trauma.
Perhaps Rejection-Dysbalance, Dismissal-dysregulation would be better word for RSD, rejection sensitivity. Dismissal-sensitivity.
As I said, I do not have any problem if someone who is abusive leaves and cuts contact with me. This type of true rejection is better description for Borderliners than RSD.
With labels - when we start to believe wrong labels - we will start acting accordingly - we just might end up with Borderline issues - just because someone tells us that RSD is related to rejection.
Where I felt neutral - now I just might start to feel hysteria because of the wrong word in RSD.
Whatever the name of anything is - in life in general - we must be careful about diagnosis and conclusions and descriptions.
We were been told all our lives that we are too sensitive when there was injustice - so we will tend to be quiet and accept anyone's explanations without protest or refusal or counter-argument.
I think we need to start to trust our own judgements and instincts - even when they are wrong and be willing to apologize when we analyze the situation and find that we truly did over-reacted.
Without RSD information - I was stuck with label/diagnosis of Social anxiety.
And CBT explains to us that all , virtually every fear and panic we feel in social situations is our hallucination.
Then I ended up in corrupt ambient, filled with pathological liars and coercive control - and I ended up fawning and shutting up - because I was forcing myself to "cure" my social anxiety with CBT "advice" to re-label my thoughts (CBT calls this technique ABC Model)-
and in the end I was ended up taken advantage of.
If I knew RSD information I would start to stand up for myself.
Without RSD information - I was excellent target for Cluster B monsters.
CBT made me as that due to wrong explanations.
When we are in toxic ambient, when there are abusers and criminally insane people around us - it is normal to feel panic and social anxiety.
CBT explains that toxic people do not exist and that we can handle all rude and aggressive behaviour with our thoughts. Which now I know is not true at all.
---
(27.3.2023)
YT "Dealing With My Social Anxiety 😱 #shorts"
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma and Rejection Sensitivity.
This means - due to trauma truly socially anxious are always in Survival mode, this is medically called Emotional Dysregulation. This hypervigilance (or hypo-vigilance) happens automatically, it cannot be changed at the press of a button.
This is reason why you never had social anxiety in the first place.
You were shy, you experienced some overlapping symptoms of social anxiety which appeared as social anxiety to you - but it was never actually true social anxiety.
Sense of perfectionism stems from growing up in critical parenting with mistakes and nagging and complaining being raised all the time - so psyche and persona can never really come to the place of being relaxed - due to this conditioning by narcissistic ambient.
We are talking here about trauma.
Shyness is being preoccupied with talking and confidence.
Social anxiety is analogy of being stuck at toxic job with ongoing verbal and physical abuse and without being able to escape or quit this job, being slave and experiencing daily mobbing, abuse and bullying - that is social anxiety.
Being preoccupied with how you appear to other people and what topics you will speak with others is shyness issue, Not social anxiety at all.
"After traumatic experience, the human system of self-preservation seems to go onto permanent alert, as if the danger might return at any moment."
Judith Lewis Herman
---
YT "How I overcame crippling social anxiety"
Social anxiety cannot be overcame by books. Social anxiety is trauma (CPTSD and RSD).
Trauma is stuck inside the body - it cannot be cured with logic or reading. Understanding trauma helps but it cannot cure trauma.
There is no cure for RSD - triggers will happen all the time. We can find shortcuts to help us, but there is no cure.
To say there is cure - is a lie and marketing to make money on human neurosis by selling magical products to naïve and desperate.
Social anxiety does not start with decision to be quiet.
You experienced self induces narcissism where you decided to build some fantasy snapshot of yourself to deal with reality of life. Narcissism overlaps with social anxiety - and narcissistic abuse causes social anxiety in the first place.
"In attempt to change myself"
Narcissism.
"Something happen to trigger it - awkward interaction, embarrassing moment"
Narcissism. Narcissists feel narcissistic injury when reality clashes with their fantasy image of world and people.
Social anxiety is triggered by rejection: someone being rude when we make mistake, when we do not know something.
It takes deep psychology to learn the difference - on auto pilot these two appear fused and mixed together.
"Never been able to create social connection"
Narcissism again. This is due to snapshot of reality (Sam Vaknin) where you have fantasy idealization of how life suppose to be and this clashes with reality when people do not obey your expectations and they disappoint you over and over again.
That is narcissism and most narcissists are not aware they have NPD, they use labels which makes them as victim - such as social anxiety or shy so you can lure new victims into your ambient of idealization-devaluation cycle.
On the other hand - social anxious actually can make social connection - but due to toxic shame and trauma bonding - they end up with narcissists like you and toxic people who take advantage of them, someone who acts like in authority and gives advice and makes them feel like imbeciles who need to be told what to do in life - like you are doing in your videos. This gives you sense of narcissistic grandeur.
"ordering food, getting uber, I would think about it over and over"
Socially anxious feel this - HOWEVER the big difference is once the interaction is nice and pleasant, social anxiety is gone - at least temporary, until the person is angry for some reason (rejection sensitivity).
Narcissists on the other hand are preoccupied with all the people- since you have snapshot of people in your head how people suppose to look like and act like - and this snapshot fantasy is causing fear and panic which you explain yourself as "social anxiety" - but it is actually narcissistic injury being triggered with reality.
"just trying to block out the pain"
Another difference between narcissists and social anxiety.
Narcissists feel only the pain. That is narcissistic injury.
Socially anxious ones feel attack, they feel injustice, they feel violated, that other person is inconsiderate and cross their boundaries.
Narcissists want others to appease them and praise them - then feel pain when this does not happen in real life.
Socially anxious wants others to appease to, to praise others in order to escape potential attack, aggression, degradation.
Once again - these two may appear similar to untrained eye, to someone who is not educated in deep psychology and it is easy to confuse these two polar opposites.
"Why could I get this"
This is narcissistic mindset. Socially anxious are preoccupied with pleasing others in order to escape abuse. Their preoccupation will be to do everything perfect, not to be perfect. Narcissists want to be perfect as person, while socially anxious want to perform perfect. Another characteristics which appear fused but they are distinct.
"At group social interaction I would say something"
Socially anxious ones do not say. They keep quiet.
Another clue you had narcissism. You want to impress other people, because you want them to worship you, due to narcissistic grandeur. On the other hand socially anxious wants peace and interaction, interdependence - which is healthy - btu this does not happen due to toxic people like narcissists who are preoccupied with fame and fortune and mocking others, making a show, being star who everybody watch.
"Book how to win friends and influence people"
Narcissism. You are literally describing NPD. You want win people. You see other people as object to win. SO that they become narcissistic supply to you - to worship you and see how special you are and at owe at you. NPD.
"Forming human connection can be uniquely beautiful if you do it right"
Narcissism 100 percent. Human connection is not project. You do not manipulate your interaction with other people. There is no mysterious key or code. It will feel beautiful to you because you expect other people to be the exact snapshot of how people are suppose to be - and this will feel uniquely beautiful to you - when other people obey and act in accordance with your expectations and beliefs how life is suppose to be.
In reality - people are allowed to be who they are. We do not control other people. We are not tyrants who make choices for other people and order them what to think, how they are suppose to react and be in this world.
"It was all result of not having correct framework"
Narcissism. You see people as resource to pick up when they are ripe to bear fruits.
You see people as objects that you manhandle.
"I would drive people away with unconscious criticism"
Narcisssim. Socially anxious people do not criticize others due to trauma and exposure to criticism.
Narcisssits were also exposed to this type of verbal abuse - but narcissists decided to take Fight response in trauma - and that is why you had what you describe as unconscious criticism. Socially anxious do not complain at all
"Complaining was something I did all the time"
No sh$t. Narcissism. You have narcissism.
"Winnning without destroying someone's pride"
You discovered how to make your narcissism Functional and that is why this advice helps you.
You are unable to see that other people have different Rashomon Effect, due to egocentrism this is foreign concept to you.
"Social skills handbook"
Narcissism again. Trully socially anxious people already have social skills: they have empathy and sensitivity to other people. That is the best social skill there is. It start to be problem with narcissistic abuse where this empathy is used against them.
"Learning to improve anxietY"
NArcissism. There is nothing to improve.
Anxiety is messenger - it is alert that we are with someone who crosses our boundaries. there is no improvement in the sense to learn how to destroy or make this person into our personal slave -as narcissists are preocupied with - since narcs see other people as object to exploit.
"13 things mentally strong people do"
Narcissism. You are preoccupied with being "strong".
Narcissists are unable to embrace being weak and vulnerable. This is disgusting to narcissists. Narcissists want to be gods to crash other people and make them into slaves.
You want to be more than human. You want to be perfect and strong - even though at the beginning of video you did realize that perfection is bad - now you are preoccupied with being perfect - and you are not even aware of it due to egocentrism and narcissism.
"I still have massive social anxiety, I don't feel crippled"
You simple made narcissism to be Functional.
The same way as social anxiety can be Functional.
But this does not mean trauma is healed and that it cannot harm us.
Due to Confirmation bias and Availability Heuristics narcissists will read books that confirm their distortions in our minds. Seeing other people as objects and seeing oneself as strong god like figure is distortion, this is Cluster B mindset.
---
YT "5 Ways to Cure Your Social Anxiety"
Talk to people, group of people, anxious to talk to them = this is shyness. This is not social anxiety.
Social anxiety is being trapped at toxic job with yelling and mobbing and abuse without means to escape it.
"Don't be little shrimp"
Deficiency motivation never works.
"Develop confidence"
There is no confidence due to bullying and abuse. First step would be to check this abuse - by taking ACE test. It is available online , it is quick, free and easy - just be honest. High score result in ACE means lack of confidence stems from trauma - and it cannot be "build up" nor "developed". Lack of confidence due to abuse is not lacking, it is conditioning and hypnosis that is problem, not lack of confidence.
"Conquer, go in there"
Social anxiety can be Functional. Like Michael Jackson - he had severe social anxiety yet he performed in front of billions of people. Unhealed trauma did not end well for him. The same story with Prince.
"Desensitize"
Social anxiety happens due to abuse. Problem is abuser. It is not problem with victims of abuse.
Desensitizing effects of abuse leads to rationalization of abuse and enabling abuse.
"Flowing"
You are describing shyness all the time. This is not social anxiety.
"You overthinking"
Overthinking may mean higher IQ. That is not pathology.
"Let your personality come out"
I would say:
“What we call the personality is often a jumble of genuine traits and adopted coping styles that do not reflect our true self at all but the loss of it.”
Quote by Gabor Maté
"Just go do it"
What happens when there is abuse, crime and bullying when we do it?
Would it be normal to force yourself to hang around with criminals just to get used to abnormal people, abusers and parasites?
"Increase social skills" "Smile more"
People with social anxiety already do have empathy and that is highest social skill there is.
You are describing shyness here, not social anxiety.
Problem is that your misdiagnosis and mislabel misleads people with true social anxiety because you create confusion and you give advice which socially anxious people already tried before.
Then they feel lazy and worthless since this "precious" advice does not work - and in reality you never had true social anxiety to begin with.
---
YT "NOTHING Affects Your Confidence!"
We will be affected when someone pick and nitpick our errors and flaws.
When narcissists use daily mistakes normal mistakes as catastrophes and present them as personal injury where they are constant victims.
When we have high moral and ethical standards - we will be affected by someone's criticism.
When we grew up in toxic ambient with verbal abuse 24/7 - we will develop rejection sensitivity reflex.
---
" if someone says something specific about you and it affects you that means you kind of agree with them."
What happens at toxic job which you cannot quit - and you have mentally ill people as boss and co-workers who nitpick your daily task and make catastrophe out of any imperfection - which we all make eventually.
What then?
---
YT "You Must Become A "TRIGGER CHASER" ⚠️"
”Don’t desensitize. Resensitize”
This is great -
BUT major flaw is that it does not work in toxic ambient filled with pathological liars, unreliable narrators, gaslighting, coercive control, blame shifting, verbal abuse. And when we cannot leave nor escape.
Then due to victim blaming we will end up with severe trauma and permanent toxic shame and guilt inside us.
---
Social anxiety is by definition fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
If we decide to label ourselves as stupid, little shrimp, weird, abnormal, and then set ourselves up for conformism, groupthink and to be just like everybody else ("Strong" and "courageous" and "talkative") - we will develop personality disorder because we will reject parts of our personality which other people label as "abnormal" to them.
---
YT "5 Common Misconceptions About Anxiety: What You Need to Know"
I would see anxiety as alarm system - similar to 2016 sci-fi movie called "Arrival":
"Louise Banks, a linguistics expert, along with her team, must interpret the language of aliens who have come to Earth in a mysterious spaceship."
Even though we cannot see stressor in reality - it does not mean it does not exist.
Many victims of coercive control were being told in childhood that they are guilty for anything that happens - so later on in adulthood they will almost never be able to identify toxic people such as Narcissists or Borderliners as the source of anxiety. Instead - they will blame their brain, and CBT will join into this misdiagnosis and self-pathology:
That is why I would start with ACE test.
It is free - it is online, quick and easy, login not required.
Higher ACE test will tell us that anxiety stems from exposure to verbal abuse while growing up: relentless criticism in childhood. This means we attract toxic people in adulthood and toxic people will gladly shift all the blame onto targets of abuse.
"Everyone experience anxiety"
When I made topic about this on reddit main forum last year - the topic was banned, and soon enough I was banned from the forum. Many commentators were angry and said I am telling lies. That "strong" and "loud" and "confident" people do not experience anxiety. I tried to explain superiority complex and overcompensating mechanism - but this information was too foreign to understand.
I wrote back this topic on my own reddit forum.
---
"Why would someone be scared to go talk in a group?"
Exactly. Why?
What we know it is due to Complex Trauma, Rejection Sensitivity. And both concept are banned by Pharma mafia which is making huge money profit on victims of abuse.
The level of panic that grown man is afraid of other people - there had to be trauma.
Like it or not, there had to be some huge psychological event like being exposed to relentless criticism by untreated mentally ill people in our midst while growing up.
"Also never said to reject parts of your personality"
What if being a shrimp if someone's personality?
What then?
"you can realize the fear is irrational "
What happens when it is not irrational?
What happens when we wake up and realize fear and anxiety is stemming from covert narcissists and abuse which is blamed on us through list of agenda coercive control cleverly packaged and our mistakes are used against us?
What then?
You don't cover bullying and mobbing - and these are prime social anxiety triggers.
You don't speak about people who are unable to escape abuse and are stuck with abusers (triggers of social anxiety).
Just because google says something, it does not mean it is true.
Quick diagnosis, quick labels leads to stigma and misdiagnosis.
If social anxiety was so easy - all people would find solution already by now.
Obviously it is complex.
Social anxiety is not irrational.
It stems from abuse and toxic people who are covert and present themselves as neutral or friendly.
That is why social anxiety is called social. It is called social+anxiety. Because social is external factor here. If social anxiety was irrational, it would be called self - anxiety. Where someone is imagining anxiety and hallucinating it.
---
" I think a lot of people get stuck at the trigger point"
You keep missing and ignoring external factor.
Like Julien,
You miss narcissistic abuse.
You miss concept of coercive control.
You do not understand gaslighting, unreliable narrator, manipulation and dark psychology.
You totally miss that there are psychopaths out there who do not necessarily need to be openly serial killers and abusers - but they abuse through much more clever outlets such as criticism and nagging and complaining.
External factor.
WE are all influenced by outside environment.
If someone experiences social anxiety - there needs to be someone who is untreated mentally ill who is abusing other people - and they are successful at projecting their mental illness onto others. And victims of coercive control are programmed to take on the blame and to self pathologize - which is perfect match.
If we have triggers - this is indication of trauma.
Trauma means there is someone mentally ill who abuses other people.
Narcissistic abuse.
---
"what does CBT stand for"
CBT is Cognitive Behavior Therapy - and it is default therapy for Social anxiety issues.
When you buy any book about social anxiety - 90 percent of chance is that it is written based on CBT. If you google social anxiety - 90 percent of available information is based on CBT.
CBT is wrong therapy for social anxiety.
CBT is ableism - it forces rigid mindset. It instructs victims of abuse to self pathologize themselves and CBT instructs victims of abuse to believe that own thoughts can prevent abuse, which is extremely dangerous and can lead to schizophrenia. It definitely leads to personality disorder. They do this via ABC Model - where victims of abuse and bullying are instructed to believe that toxic people do not exist and that our explanations of abuse are causing the abuse itself.
CBT instructs victims of abuse to simply leave abusers - which does not work in rea life due to socio-economic issues.
CBT instructs victims of coercive control to stand up for oneself and to be assertive - which does not work in real life when the other person is delusional, pathological liar and cannot comprehend reality nor is devoted to Reality testing (seeing true problems and trying to resolve them).
CBT is similar to Ludovico Technique from Clockwork orange - where the main character is de-sensitized (exposed) to violent content - and just as in movie - this does not heal trauma, it leads people of CBT to develop fawning/severe people pleasing, as it was depicted in the movie (the main character was abused and done nothing to protect himself from abuse).
CBT is intended as short term therapy for acute emergency cases such as suicide and violence - where the person is lobotomized and separated from logic - and instead clinical explanation is implanted into thinking - temporarily. This cannot work in long term.
Medical industry which is corrupt embraced CBT as long term therapy - since it makes silent people more silent and more obedient. While narcissistic and violent types who cause anxiety in others - never seek psychological help anyway - so medical industry is basically making money profit on victims of abuse.
---
I suffer from Social anxiety since 1989.
For 20+ years I followed the "advice" that social anxiety is irrational - and it did not help me. I wasted my life following wrong and limited explanations.
That is why I comment here. I do not want young people to mess their life on wrong explanations.
In past 2 years I discovered that social anxiety is CPTSD (which is not the same as PTSD) - and only past month I learned that social anxiety is RSD (rejection sensitivity).
Both trauma and RSD stem from abuse -
abuse does not mean incest or physical abuse.
Abuse also means being invalidated and exposed to relentless criticism - where our mistakes were attacked and rejected and labeled as sickness and abnormal or whatever.
Narrow down your research in the direction of Complex PTSD and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
I have reddit forum where I write about these in concise manner.
I have blog where I write about this in detail.
And I have Psychology videos - with useful concepts related to social anxiety.
--
Social anxiety is result of invalidation.
We were exposed to invalidation (relentless criticism 24/7 while growing up).
This means we need to validate ourselves and eventually become our own GPS navigation tool. With abuse - we have distorted perception - because we do not trust ourselves really. We want to be "strong" and "courageous" and this is especially true for men. We do everything to appear macho and alpha while we hide away anything that appears "sissy" and "weak".
Problem with this thinking - is that all these are labels and stigma. When we reject parts of ourselves and when we decide to build fake persona - fake image - this leads to mental illness.
Mental health means having flexible mindset - where we look at anything in life from multiple points of explanations. Rashomon Effect - where blind people try to explain what they feel by their hands - while each one of them are touching an elephant. Each person will claim that they feel something else.
That is why we need to learn concept called Egocentrism and how to escape it.
Social anxiety becomes problem - because we were raised to invalidate ourselves, we were taught that we need to please someone in authority and obey them and this is unhealthy dysfunctional way of handling life problems.
We need to see reality and people around us from multiple perspectives, avoid quick judgements and labels. With social anxiety since we invalidate ourselves - we will invalidate other people as well.
Example of invalidation is being scared of being vulnerable and admitting that we have made mistakes - since we were raised in environment where our mistakes were mocked and punished and our mistakes were presented as our own lack of worth.
As adults - this will turn into social anxiety -and we won't be able to really see that is stems from dysfunctional childhood treatment where we were exposed to abnormal amount of criticizing and nitpicking and blaming of our mistakes and flaws.
When we are kids, when we do certain job for the first time - mistakes are totally natural and normal - it is the only way to learn anything.
At the core of social anxiety is fear of making mistakes and other people's reactions to our mistakes.
But we do not see it like that at all.
We see social anxiety as being weak, being sissy and that we must become strong alpha macho who fights around and who is confident and has supernatural social skills.
Then we end up abusing people around us and we pass social anxiety onto the next generation.
---
(28.3.2023)
YT "You might not believe this but anxiety isn’t the issue. #anxiety #healing #anxietyrelief #mindset"
Yes: anxiety is messenger from deep inside about psychological wound (Rejection sensitivity, exposure to relentless criticism in early age when our psyche was forming - so no we have anxiety).
No:
if we decide that we cannot trust our emotions, if we decide to change our thoughts:
1) this will lead to personality disorder.
This will happen because we will reject parts of our Jung shadow which feels uncomfortable for us.
2) When we suppress emotions, stifle them and ignore them, transmute them, pretend they are something else: this leads to mental illness. (Jung & Freud quote below)
3) In order to be functional in the world - we need to have ability to lean on our brain, that we trust it. If we decide that parts of our thoughts are sick, abnormal, hard, difficult, uncomfortable, something to be replaced - we will create deep toxic shame, this will destroy our self worth. Without self worth we will turn to other people for guidance since we won't believe ourselves, our own brain - and then this will turn into Trauma bonding, codependency issues or more accurately lack of self love (Ross Rosenberg). We will become people pleasers and fawn to others which leads to fourth reason:
4) The reason why we have anxiety in the first place is because of toxic people around us. Anxiety is not occasional rain that pours over unfortunate walkers random hikers below. Anxiety means our boundaries were crosses - but due to trauma in childhood (ACE test is available for free online to check existence of this trauma), if we were raised by alcoholic environment, if we were criticized relentlessly when growing up - now as adults we will attract same toxic people without being aware we are doing it. Drama and invalidation will feel natural to us, like fish in the water. And normal and healthy people will appear dull and sissy, weak and abnormal to us - this is especially true for Borderliners. So instead of self blame and desire to fix our behaviour and thoughts - it would be advisable to check first environment around us to see if we are indeed surrounded by jerks. Lundy quote below.
5) When we decide to mechanically fix and change our brain - this is effect from Clockwork Orange, where we force ourselves to be good and perfect.
We are human beings - we are not gods, it is totally normal to be vulnerable and weak. These are not sickness nor imperfections.
Desire to be perfect and desire to build fake strong persona is narcissism, it is mental illness.
6) Humanistic psychology (Carl Rogers quote below) tells us that there is a paradox: when we actually accept our anxiety, when we accept our imperfections and trauma and Rejections sensitivity (for which there is no cure) - we will paradoxically change ourselves. We will have ability to "stop" anxiety. IT will no longer harm us in deep way as it is now. This will happen because we will validate ourselves.
Anxiety stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse . we were systematically invalidated over long(er) period of time.
Now - with idea to fix our anxiety - we are once again invalidating ourselves, as we were in narcissistic abuse. We simply continue what abuser has started due to entrainment and colonization of our mind (Grannon/Vaknin).
---
Sometimes establishing our boundaries will lead to Femicide.
Sometimes we will lose our sanity when we confront someone who is pathological liar, psychopath, narcissist and lives in his delusion world.
Sometimes we are in unfavorable Power Dynamics where establishing our boundaries leads to loss of job, shelter, money income, security, safety, being homeless and being beaten up by random hooligans at streets.
--
(imdb film forum)
This movie aligns with my blogs about social anxiety and rejection sensitivity.
Cecile is spoiled brat and she over-reacts to well-meaning advice from Deborah Kerr.
Now psychologically Cecile's reaction is the same as if there was mobbing situation at some toxic job. Let's say narcissistic abuse by Joan Crawford in her movies from the 1950s where she criticizes others.
What is the difference here? The same over-reaction, the same criticism.
In Cecile's case - Kerr's criticism is tough love. There is real and genuine concern that Cecile doesn't experience abortion and broken heart at tender age of 17.
In Joan Crawford narcissistic abuse movies from 1950s, Joan's intention behind her criticism is desire for control. There is no concern for safety, wellness of others. The sole and only purpose of her "discipline" is to make targets of her abuse miserable, submissive and afraid.
If Cecile was not egocentric hence so self absorbed - she would realize that Kerr is caring, and that if Joan Crawford was her mother, she would traumatize her for life with 'no more hang wires' screaming temper tantrums in the middle of the night and slapping her face every 5 minutes.
Cecile went through
the same process of realization as described in Spice Girls song Mama (1996) :
"[i]She used to be my only enemy and never let to me be free
Catching me in places that I knew I shouldn't be
Every other day, I crossed the line, I didn't mean to be so bad
I never thought you would become the friend I never had[/i]"
This could provide us important information and instruction when we feel criticized ourselves.
What is the purpose of someone nagging and complaining. Are they correct?
Are we egocentric and spoiled and are we making some kind of mistake or error?
---
YT "What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?"
CBT did not help me at all.
Social anxiety solutions from self help and therapy are all based on CBT.
CBT caused me to people please, I labeled real abuse and real corruption as a hallucination and CBT instructs us to believe that toxic people do not exist - that it is all in our head. This is extremely dangerous when we are really in toxic ambient with pathological liars and heavy gaslighting.
What I discovered on my own, by reading psychology books - is that the best approach in therapy for social anxiety and RSD is Humanistic Psychology.
CBT is therapy of ableism - which causes RSD - due to labeling our brain as abnormal and that there is some kind of one way to think.
Neurodiversity is accepting our brain and our thinking instead of suppressing and ignoring or stifling our emotions down.
The invalidation causes RSD. CBT is therapy of invalidation.
Idea that we must nitpick and change ourselves will lead to destruction of self worth and it will cause personality disorder - since we will believe that our brain is abnormal and that we think in wrong way.
RSD is a reflex - it is not diagnosis. It is condition, when we are trapped in toxic ambient when our brain was impressionable - Exercise Blue Eyes Brown eyes from 1969 - being exposed to deliberate put downs by toxic people around us.
CBT is short term therapy - it was invented as calming down suicidal idealizations and criminally insane - it is a form of brainwashing and manual over-ride of someone who is acute hysterical. CBT is not intended for long term.
RSD has no cure. Our mind was bend in childhood and we simply need to accept how it works and find functional workarounds.
Similar to African tribes who mutilate bodies of their children to prolong their ear lobes, forehead or necks. Body is not in disorder, there is no clinical abnormality - except it is deformed due to someone in authority creating this. Neck is working fine, forehead is working fine, ear lobes hear and have ability to hear - we simply need to accept that is it deformed - the same as with our mind exposed to toxicity for long period of time.
If we decide to label our mind as abnormal as resist it - as Jung said - it will persist.
CBT bans information about Complex Trauma - and if we actually learn about Polyvagal Theory - we can learn that our goal is Ventral Vagal - emotional regulation, feeling safe with people.
Chances are - with RSD undetected - we are now surrounded by plethora of toxic people - and we blame ourselves for toxictity.
We made choices to please other people as explained in video - we did it automatically.
With RSD information - we can start to make changes -
drop toxic people, connect with good ones.
drop toxic ambient - seek healthy ambient instead.
Up until now we were been explained by toxic society that we are faulty, and that our mistakes are catastrophe.
Now with RSD - we know where distortions come from and where to guide us without RSD being the virus or Devil on our shoulder who keep us off track all the time.
Humanistic therapy tells us to accept ourselves - and then we will be able to change.
CBT tells us that we are monsters and we must change ourselves on force - which leads to toxic shame and more of invalidation and more of RSD.
---
Quick labels and misdiagnosis are causing RSD in the first place.
We need to learn to refrain from quickly putting people's trauma and experiences in quick bias explanations and definitions. It does not help, it ads up to stigma and wrong conclusions and delusions later on.
---
I've read that ADHD individuals are constantly exposed to correcting and nitpicking by society - that tells them constantly that the way they behave is abnormal and that it is wrong.
This exposure to relentless criticism about something we cannot change ourselves is causing RSD.
Doctor Sniped talked about this in her video about RSD. She made connection between Complex Trauma, social anxiety and RSD - and now I learned about it for many years being misdiagnosed.
Labels and stigma and criticism are causing far more damage than we can ever realize.
Any definition, explanation by someone in authority is form of brainwashing, hypnosis, conditioning. We need to be careful whom we believe. This labeling and criticizing can be a perfect weapon to control and manipulate nice, kind, friendly, open, morally ethically empaths who follow rules and instructions and who try not to hurt other people - this niceness can be used against us.
---
"What is neurodivergent?"
It is label to disable other harmful labels and quick diagnosis based on oversimplifications.
It is description to accept different models of thinking, rather than promoting only one way:
for example -
our toxic society describes normal people who put their nude pictures on instagram and to collect likes.
Or toxic society labels normal those who are obnoxious and loud, while criminal behaviour is neutralized, and explained away. Sensitive people are labeled as abnormal, something to cure and destroy (CBT is forerunner in this Crusades).
Neurodivergent concept means that we stop feeling guilt for reacting to abuse with guilt.
Instead that we realize that having anxiety is not disorder - but reaction to abnormal and difficult and criminal people in our toxic ambient who pretend to be sane and normal to others.
It is basic idea - that unless we are serial killers or some Cluster B monster with desire to harm and have hidden agenda how to destroy other people - there is nothing wrong or abnormal in our mind, nothing to fix.
CBT on the other hand explains us that our anxiety is severe sickness and disorder, that we are hallucinating abuse and that toxic people do not exist. Then we suppress our reactions to abuse and try to be "perfect" and without mistakes and this ends up as RSD.
There are two ways of thinking:
"normal" thinking is that we collect all facts and then come to conclusion or idea.
divergent thinking is that we examine facts - that we have ability to know that some people are unreliable narrators and they are pathological liars and they have bias and prejudices - so their facts are wrong. Neurodivergent is that kind of thinking - and toxic society hates it because psychopaths in authority will be exposed as abnormal and insane. So sociopaths in authority promote "normal" thinking in order to neutralize any criticism and exposure of their crimes.
---
"rejected"
just say it what it is it is exposure to relentless criticism and nitpicking 24/7 in early age when we were impressionable.
". Heal the trauma, heal the mental illness."
True mental illness is in perpetrators of abuse. They have mental illness.
When we are targets of abuse - this is called reaction to abuse.
If we use label mental illness on ourselves - we will misdiagnose and mislabel ourselves, we will re-traumatize ourselves and reject ourselves as abusers did.
You cannot heal trauma if you label trauma as personal choice and something that is wrong with you to the core.
There is nothing wrong with our mind. Our mind works fine. We are not serial killers - we do not desire to harm other people - hence there is no mental illness.
---
Yep.
We are told via CBT that our thoughts are sick and abnormal - and that we must fix our thinking.
What happens in reality - is that with this CBT "advice" we destroy our self worth and create severe personality disorder because we think deep down our character is abnormal. CBT must be banned and those in authority must go to prison for misdiagnosis and keeping RSD away from light.
Social anxiety is still being explained away as disorder. Nobody connects it with RSD. just check wikipedia or random google web pages or 99 percent of you tube videos.
---
"Because I know I can fix my shortcomings. Don't care about praise either. But the constant irrational toxicity is what eventually made me isolate myself from the outside world"
Yep. Because those of us who fawn - we are already doing everything possible to avoid errors. We go to extra measures which 99 percent of people would never do ever. We make sure with time limit and money aspect and our space to please other people - and when people do not have ability to see that we have done everything to make their life comfortable - the real fault lies in egocentric people who are spoiled.
Like theme in Preminger movie from 1958 "Bonjour trisstess"
---
Discovery of RSD is like genome of all our issues with psychology that we struggle. It will help us to laser point our issues and devote our energy and focus in exact place - as oppose to overgeneralization from CBT and other toxic resources which misdiagnose our issues and lead us astray into wrong alley, spending too much money, focus and time on wrong things which could never work nor help us in any way but falsely promise to help. CBT must be banned.
---
"One time I got denied a job at an interview because I "looked to depressed ""
Maybe it is good - that you did not end up stuck in toxic job filled with ableism and toxic positivity.
On the other hand - my experience is that I was mocked and laughed at behind my back for saying Thank you and verbally appreciating clerk's help. Toxic ambient is as much problem as our reaction to it.
---
Discovery of RSD is the same as decoding DNA genome. We will know exactly what is problem, what to look at, what to fix . as oppose to listen to faulty CBT which "explains" that our mind is sick and abnormal.
---
" I didn't know this had a name. I always just thought of it as my cringe moments."
This is far more serious than cringe.
This RSD means many people are misdiagnosed and given wrong therapy - specifically far more damaging CBT who instructs victims of abuse that they are hallucinating abuse and that they can change other people with their own thinking (ABC Model) which leads to schizophrenia and development of personality disorders.
Glasser wrote the book called Psychiatry can be dangerous for your mental health. He was correct.
---
YT "ADHD | Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria 😩
"
RSD was known in 2019=??
When I googled symptoms for being abused at toxic job - there was no information at all about RSD.
I came to Complex Trauma information thanks to many psychology books which I read - none of them mention RSD at all.
People struggle with this and they have no idea what is happening, resources out there are outdated and wrong and hence produce misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis.
---
What is really mind-blowing is the fact that CBT which is misdiagnosing people deliberately for 20, 30 years now.
CBT knows all these information but they choose not to release it in public since it would mean that narcissists in authority positions such as corrupt medical industry would need to step down. RSD will re-define what is abuse.
CBT now claims that abuse is hallucination and that we are hallucinating abuse and that toxic people do not exist and that other people cannot make us feel anything, hence rationalize abuse and gives its blessing.
That is mind-blowing.
--
"I used to think everyone felt so useless when they get something wrong."
Or my personal favorite - we try not to harm other people by speaking the truth or warning them when they are intrusive - since we believe we will hurt them with our own criticism, since we know how much criticism is painful.
Then we end up with Negative politeness (shutting up when someone is intrusive), and with toxic empathy (we feel sorry for abusers).
---
"I’ve been searching (ruminating *intensely*) for answers as to “what’s wrong with me” for so long now,"
Same here.
I started to write blog about social anxiety in 2020.
I literally wrote down the process of discovering Complex Trauma first in 2021. And then RSD in 2023.
I wrote very detailed symptoms of social anxiety - which now corelate 100 percent to RSD. I was actually describing RSD which is extremely hard to describe due to Confirmation bias and wrong definitions and misdiagnosis by official medical books, CBT and other people.
---
YT "How to Deal with Rejection Sensitivity"
Ok, we ask them.
What happens when it is real rejection?
What happens when people are really intrusive and unfair and irrational?
What we do when we live in toxic shame culture country where being rude and intrusive and aggressive is lifestyle and when being nice, kind, sensitive and empathic is perceived as being sissy, abnormal and insane?
What we do when our boss and colleagues are making fun of our differences and make fun and mock us about our hairstyles and clothes and accent and our life in general? What then?
Rejection sensitivity is not only hallucination part. Sometimes real life means being in toxic ambient - and we never get explanation from CBT what to do then. What we do when our partner poops in our bed and had hidden agenda to extort money from us in false trial court where they accuse us of being rapist and try to destroy our movie career? How to convince yourself you are safe and back into green zone when you are experiencing mobbing at work? Why we never get any concrete or solid explanations - what to do in unfair Power Dynamics?
Video started great until CBT crept in.
CBT is therapy of ableism - it ads up to invalidation, CBT is form of narcissistic abuse itself, it is therapy of invalidation and ads up to RSD.
"We can learn social skills to help us reduce risk"
This is CBT most devastating effect. CBT is creating personality disorder with this dangerous rhetorics.
We have empathy - for starters this is social skill which 90 percent of people do not have and never will have.
If we convince ourselves that we have disorder, if we start with label that we are the ones who lack social skills - what will happen - we will blame ourselves, we will victim shame, victim blame, self pathologize ourselves. That will create mental illness and deep sense of toxic shame - because we won't see that other person is psychopath and narcissistic, instead we will blame ourselves for not being perfect enough to say or do the magical right thing which would somehow magically repel toxic people away.
Abusers abuse because they choose to abuse - it has nothing to do with our skills or lack of them.
This is why Neurodivergent concept is here - that we stop fixing ourselves and embrace and accept ourselves as we are.
IF someone is abusive and toxic - there is no amount of being perfect that can fix them or anything they willingly choose to abuse and hurt others about.
---
"habit of asking someone what they meant"
Trouble with this is that: 1) people are liars - they won't tell the truth.
They will either have low IQ to know what they feel and explain it.
They will try no to hurt your feelings and cover it up.
They will try to appear good and superior and grandiose to others so they will lie.
They will be preoccupied with poop or genitalia and they won't notice or care or really think what you ask them - so they will lie.
So basically - you won't get true answer anyway.
2)
Secondly - they will see you as someone insecure, clingy and codependent, someone who always need reassurance all the time.
---
"when im in a good mood " "able to handle 'rejection'"
This is called Ventral Vagal.
If CBT is not making money on our neurosis and if CBT does not hence ban infomation about trauma and CPTSD . we would all know Polyvagal Theory and how Ventral Vagal works.
---
(30.3.2023)
YT "How To Be Assertive At Work Without Being A Control Freak"
That is why psychology is needed to describe certain concepts to understand what is going on.
Excessive response is known as Emotional Dysregulation and Amygdala Hijacking.
If anyone experience this often and or as a pattern/trigger - it may be sign of ADHD or some other mental divergent state like Social anxiety and ultimately - Rejection Sensitivity.
Symptoms of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
(when criticism hurts)
- Being easily embarrassed
- Heightened fear of failure
- Unrealistically high expectations for self
- Assuming people don't like you
- Avoiding social settings
- Perfectionistic tendencies
In real life, spoiled kids (and adults trapped in adult bodies but egocentric arrested development children inside) - they will end up like in a movie Bonjour Trisstesse (1958) by Otto Preminger - spoiled brat will hold it against you for you disciplining them. They simply will not understand that they are spoiled due to egocentrism and bad parenting.
When bullies come into authority - they cause social anxiety, phobia, plethora of serious psychological issues in their targets of abuse.
---
YT "An ADHD Guide to Emotional Dysregulation and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (w/ William Dodson, M.D.)"
"Trauma is not a cause of adhd and Gabor maté has very problematic views on this. Adhd is present at birth. It’s genetic. Not developed"
RSD is not connected to ADHD exclusively.
RSD information will change current psychiatry - it is revolution.
Pharma mafia will no longer make money profit on victims of abuse.
There are millions of people who are misdiagnosed with unrelated disorders while in reality they suffer from RSD.
CBT is doing incredible damage due to hyper-cognition (quick labeling) with social anxiety "solutions" - CBT is creating personality disorders in those who seek answers for social anxiety mixed with RSD.
Gabor Mate is worth to listen to, he is laser sharp correct and true.
---
WE all have been misdiagnosed and given wrong explanation what we feel and what we can do about it.
There is huge damage done to our life, personality, choices, decisions in life due to wrong advice and heavy gaslighting.
Even now CBT is still been promoted as therapy after all the damage done.
Humanistic psychology is as old as CBT - yet someone in medical industry decided to make money on our trauma and neurosis by shoveling us lobotomy intended for criminally insane (ABC method).
---
(31.1.2023)
YT "mind blown #codependency"
Actually there is dark turn in bringing to table and being super-productive for someone who is "codependent" (actually lack self love) -
this is oppression and even more so - it is parasiting over on someone who was abused and traumatized.
---
YT "How to Set Boundaries"
Wrong approach.
When someone is mentally ill - you do not set anything with that person. Schizophrenia means living in own world, filled with delusions and truly believing them to be reality.
You cannot make peace, form contact, come to agreement with someone who is dedicated to their illusion. It will only antagonize them.
Would you "set boundaries" with lunatics and criminally insane?
Instead of Trump approach of building a walls against the "threat" from below, I would rather resort to intelligent approach.
When we decide to build walls to fight phantoms and imaginary danger- we will hurt ourselves the most with the pain and inability to understand why that other person is being intrusive and tries to evade our space and harm and cause pain to us.
When we realize we are better, that we are healthy, that we are sane - this puts us in different position than in position of seeing mentally ill people as equal to us.
Now when we do understand that difficult people are mentally challenged - and that we are above them and superior to them in many ways, that we can regulate our emotions and that we do not resort to hysteria as a way to handle issues in life - instead of being antagonistic or expressing superiority (which would be mental illness also) -we would and could handle difficult people the same as doctors and nurses handle mentally ill people in madhouses.
With tough love, with discipline, with understanding, with compassion, with empathy.
Then "setting boundaries" will be enforced but we would not see it as boundary at all.
When we decide to see protection against mentally ill people as boundary - we put ourselves in unfavorable victim place, where we are poor victims and where really difficult and dangerous people rule over us, we oppress ourselves simply by choosing wrong kind of words to describe this special dynamics.
Labels are brainwashing, labels do lead to hypnosis and stigma.
I would like us to shift from wrong labels which society tells and explains us life and how to handle difficult people.
---
(1.4.2023)
Regarding CBT - I think it is wrong therapy. Explanations in CBT are thwarted, distorted, lensed, quickly biased, and mostly filled and full of cognitive distortions and instructions for self-pathology and self blame.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology, humanistic therapy - which tells us to gather education, knowledge and then come up with our own solutions - which works excellent with divergent thinking style - which all people with fears, phobias, perks, quirks already do posses.
CBT is convergent thinking and hence it cannot work with anyone struggling with anxiety.
I am shocked and flabbergasted that neither medical community nor most of advice givers are not aware of these basic facts. Medical community is studying psychology - they ought to know divergent concept, neurodivergent concept - yet they do not share this knowledge.
As if someone is actually making money on our neurosis, lack of knowledge and keep information from us so that we never stand on our two feet and trust our minds. Instead CBT promotes the self pathology approach where we are being told we are distorted to the core while people who appear confident and without fear are strong, superior and without errors - while we are trash and losers for feeling emotions and processing information and data and stimuli of daily life in different ways.
---
1.4.2023
What happens when they nitpick your mistakes which are natural and un-avoidable and make it into catastrophe, accuse you of being slacker, put label on you being lazy etc. Toxic people tend to define due to dualism everything as negative, blame the scapegoat for all problems - so you really cannot defend yourself.
Toxic people use gaslighting a lot.
When you ask them how they would do it, they are in position where they do not the job themselves ,they add unnecessary tasks which are unnecessary but appears as problem solving.
What then?
You end up doing what they want, which has not scientific or any kind of productive effect - and you cannot defend yourself since they present mistakes, errors as your personal fault and personality fault.
Toxic people do not listen to you at all. They do not listen to solutions - they only enjoy in sadistic bullying and scapegoating,
Toxic people are not devoted into finding solutions at all, all they want is drama and conflict and anger and temper tantrums and enjoy in it.
If we do not understand that mentally ill people are controlling us through our need to get things done, that they exploit our need to find solutions and to resolve everything in life - we will become their slaves without being aware of it.
This is especially true for being in contact with someone who is borderline or narcissitics.
WE need to become aware of mentally ill people exploiting our kindness and productivity and sanity. That is my message here.
As in my previous comment - this becomes huge problem when we live in a poor country where we cannot change jobs - because there are no alternatives OR when we are stuck in close contact with such people due to contract or third party or due to some papers or bureaucracy.
It is wrong approach to personalize and scapegoat ourselves and blame ourselves for problems which we are not creating and people who are devoted into shifting problems onto us and presenting them as our personality flaw.
If you are stuck with idea that you must find perfect way how to deal and manage and handle difficult people - you are without being aware of it - trapped into coercive control, manipulation or talk in slang- you are their b$tch.
As I learned from other people - people who do not understand what I am talking about here are abusers themselves.
---
@Naveen My comment was based on this sentence that we have already heard for million times:
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a$$holes."
Intrusive thoughts are not our natural state.
We did not become negative out of the blue.
Depression, worry, fears, uncomfortable feelings of not being safe, inability to experience psychological security - all these are not our natural states. We as humans were designed to feel them only when chased by animals.
If we are not in immediate danger - and if we struggle with intrusive worry - it is a clear sign that:
1) we went through some kind of psychological event in the past . and now we copy paste it over and over again at similar events (triggers and flashbacks). This is called Trauma, it is complex trauma.
-brain will repeat it because it tries to keep us safe. We can test this trauma with free ACE test available online, it is quick and it does not require any login or registration. So - take the ACE test. ACE means adverse Childhood Experience
2) if we struggle with intrusive thoughts, except for trauma - it means that someone is triggering our intrusive thoughts. Someone is being negative and dangerous, and we sense it - because we are wired and or conditioned to be triggered by toxic people. We would not be triggered in the room with Oprah or Mandela or mother Theresa - we would feel safe with them Our intrusive thoughts to come with negative, toxic people.
People tend to cover up their agenda.
Covert narcissists tend to cover up their pathology by pretending to be safe, kind, nice, altruistic, they use empathy to appear attractive, they use glib charm to attract new victims.
Soon enough once they have hooked new victims - devaluation phase will start . and we will feel intrusive thoughts in the result.
Since they appear and have fake mask of being a friend of help or service- and since they are extremely manipulative and controlling, and since they do use Coercive control (which is criminal act) - and since they do victim blame and shame shift all the time - we won't notice that we are in the presence of evil. Instead we will be programmed, hypnotized and conditioned to self blame and self pathologize ourselves.
Similar to stories of vampires, they are emotional vampires. The strength in Dracula lies that you do not know that someone is vampire.
All these should psychology and gurus and CBT explain to us- but since medical industry is toxic and narcissistic itself - we do not get explanations about where emotion contagion comes from - instead CBT instructs us that
1) toxic people do not exist
2) that we can influence and change difficult people with our thoughts( ABC model) and through being "assertive" - which in reality both leads to trauma bonding and being hooked to someone who is pathological liar and extremely manipulative.
If you want to know more - check out my psychology videos, Reddit forum and or blogs.
We are literally being lied and told nonsense by medical industry and flying monkeys, most stuff in medical industry, self help books and online resources are making things worse - since all authority is taken by psychopaths (pathocracy).
Narcissists, psychopaths are skillful in taking managerial seats and then they can abuse easily masses, this gives them strength - and normal people turn their slaves and free resource for their endless narcissistic supply.
---
(2.4.2023)
This belief that our mind is responsible for abuse and that with certain magical thinking and Personal Fable and some kind of Phantom of Liberty that we will become strong and superior and solve all our problems with abusers - is very common ignorance.
You ignore toxic mindset.
They are toxic. they are covert. So they appear as friends and service or help - or you depend on them due to third party or third reason such as having a job in poor country without alternatives, having children with abuser, depending on some papers or contract or clearance - some type of dominance over you.
In past 11 month since this comment was made I learned there is actual concept that is describing this state of arrest - it is officially called "Unfavorable Power Dynamics" - check out video from HealthyGamer - he talks about this in great detail. When we are in unfavorable power dynamics - we must fawn or we will be destroyed. Think of Ukraine being crushed and evaded by Putin - without Western help. They could face obliteration from this Earth or compliance.
Think of children exposed to narcissistic abuse, ACE - which will later on become as another concept that I learned: Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - which means being unable to control oneself when criticized to feel attacked.
Third concept I learned was Coercive Control.
Toxic people are manipulators, they live in fantasy delusional world, almost autistic and mild schizophrenic, they have snapshot of reality (Sam Vaknin/Grannon talked about this in their videos) and they demand that world works according to this imaginary delusion which appear as reality to them. when they are triggered they become violent and aggressive.
The reason why we feel anxiety and fears from people - it stems from these 3 external triggered concepts - and it has absolutely nothing to do with our "weakness" or lack of "stoicism" or being "coward" or "sissy" or whatever. If we believe in such labels, as you called it and I quote " weaknesses and insecurities" - if we believe that our thoughts and behaviour is the reason for abuse - we will develop personality disorder.
Abusers abuse because they choose to abuse. It has nothing to do with how we think, it has nothing to do with our persona, our thinking pattern - they choose to be abusive.
People who are stuck in fears and phobias - they are due to unfavorable Power Dynamics (immobility due to environment), Low Maslow needs (poverty), Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (conditioning to panic) and Coercive Control - where predators and parasites and emotional vampires (psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists - of Cluster B monsters) prey and exploit people in with these outside external conditions.
Any blame on victim or target of abuse such as explanation that victim is insecure or lazy or chooses abuse - is victim blaming, shame shifting and it is rationalization of abuse and enabling criminals to abuse.
--
The point is that you become your own advice giver. That you do not depend on other people to explain you what is common sense. Follow your gut feeling, follow your brain, follow your intuition, become your own GPS, with mistakes and flaws and imperfections.
Anything other than that leads to codependency, trauma bonding, being exploited by dark triad, being trapped inside Karpman Drama Triangle.
--
(3.4.2023)
YT "Why I Have Social Anxiety | My Experience With “Fixing” It"
Social anxiety is RSD.
CBT is misdiagnosing us and leading us astray to the same extent as Patton visited WW2 hospital and then slapped the soldier suffering from "Shell Shock" - which is actually PTSD. Society values narcissism and abuse and toxicity, it is seen as normal and anything else is perceived as abnormal and something to be cured.
Well - this egocentric view that "courage" is the same as personal worth is called cognitive fusion, and actually mentally ill people are doing this fusion with feelings and self worth. Which means - that toxic people who are loud - are actually mentally ill. Toxic people will try to make us believe that feeling sad is sickness, that experience of abuse is hallucination - as CBT tries to convince us, and CBT idea that trauma does not exist and it does not matter.
In reality - abuse and trauma are real. Exposure to relentless criticism - especially in early age when our psyche is forming - will make us develop Rejection Sensitivity - and we will end up with social anxiety issues as adults.
The panic and anxiety and fears we struggle with - are related to social situations, anything similar to the original trauma (criticism which is unfair) - what CBT does not explain to us - is plethora of experiences which people with ADHD and autism are experiencing all the time, even outside of social situations.
What we are dealing here is an effect of exposure to narcissism and narcissistic abuse. We are not the problem True problem are criminally insane, mentally ill psychopaths who mimic being sane and normal - so nobody treats them. And everyone who is in contact with such abusers - will develop plethora of panic, fear and anxiety trauma issues.
What we are dealing here with social anxiety is 1) exposure to trauma in childhood (someone who was perfectionistic and criticizing us all the time) plus 2) exposure to toxic society such as CBT which gives us wrong explanations about social anxiety - where social anxiety is explained away through hypercognition as hallucination and cowardice - similar to General Patton slapping incidents during WW2.
Then we end up trying to find solutions through self help books - which does not help at all, but add up to hysteria and confusion, while we waste time, money and energy on false advice.
Grudges never-ending which Josh mentions - are symptom of RSD. Google it.
---
"Get that surplus of energy OUT of the body"
Trauma is experience of being invalidated in childhood and then later on through triggers.
It is not surplus of energy. It is a wound. Think of being cut and the wound never heals and the cut stays open so it festers and parasites leech eggs inside it. That is trauma.
Also- the point of healing trauma is not to suppress it or pretend it is something great and positive.
We need to feel it, accept it and learn how to integrate it into our lives, how to come with terms that we live in unsafe environment without guarantees and still believe in faith and positive and happiness nevertheless of struggles and toxic people around us - that we start to make decisions related to our well-being and not related to how we think other people would approve us. In short: to start validate ourselves , with both our uniqueness, sensitivity and wounds.
---
As I commented many times on your videos:
"What you resist, persist" JUNG
If you decide to observe Rejection sensitivity as enemy and something to build a wall against - you will immediately make yourself being a victim and you will start to build a civil war inside your head where you go in to endless wars with communist in Vietnam - that is analogy of believing that social anxiety is something to fix and conquer and battle with.
While you are engaged in wars against unholy enemy - you will miss people friends in life, you will miss education, you will miss details and particularities which you would have energy and money to focus on otherwise - if only you were not building a Trump wall against imaginary enemy that you see in social anxiety.
Instead of wars - accept it. Toxic people will exploit you and take advantage of you and hurt you, backstab you throughout life - why adding up self sabotage and hurting oneself?
---
What is positivity bias?
Positivity bias occurs when a person judges individual members of a group positively, even when they have negative impressions or judgments of the group as a whole.
Instead of positivity - the correct term we need to focus on is self-efficacy.
Self-efficacy refers to an individual's belief in his or her capacity to execute behaviors necessary to produce specific performance attainments
and:
Self-Persuasion
This theory postulates that the receiver takes an active role in persuading himself or herself to change his or her attitude or behavior.
Problem with self help approach of "positive thinking" is:
1) we will ignore and rationalize abuse and toxic people - and hence allow them to exploit us and never leave Karpman Drama Triangle away. Instead we will become codependent on Ambers who poop in our bed and call it love.
2) we will develop personality disorder - because we will make ourselves believe that we are abnormal, that we have no faith in us- that we must micromanage our thoughts in order to be "normal" - we will never lean on ourselves, we will ashame ourselves, we will develop deep toxic shame because we will think that feeling negative, and our errors are automatic sign of our unworthiness which must be replaces with laughter and being positive all the time. In short - we will invalidate ourselves - and hence we will repeat the same trauma which started social anxiety and Rejection Sensitivity in the first place.
Instead of artificially nitpicking our mind and our thoughts (which will only lead to PureOCD issues - endless rumination and depression) - we need to understand this concept:
Rational choice theory
people don't randomly select products off the shelf. Rather, they use a logical decision-making process that takes into account the costs and benefits of various options, weighing the options against each other.
This tells us that our brain is ok, normal, there is nothing to fix - and that we embrace our thoughts, conclusions, common sense, intuition as normal and something to lean on - no matter mistakes, errors, safety mechanisms, defense mechanisms we might have.
If we would be able to step back and see the whole picture - we would actually see that our social anxiety has realistic and positive effects - it tries to keep us safe and to choose safe people around us and safe ambient.
If we label our sensitivity as abnormal, we will develop neurosis and self hatred and we will destroy our self worth. Without self worth we are cripples and we will depend on other people to explain us what is normal and which way we need to go in life.
---
YT "Want To Get Over Social Anxiety? Try Smelling Other People's Body Odour"
"Sniffing around: People with autism engage almost half their brain (right) when they smell the air, suggesting they search for odors even when none exist. People with autism use different brain regions than typical people do to distinguish between the scents of familiar and unfamiliar individuals"
(spectrumnews)
ADHD, Autism, Social anxiety - they are connected through Rejection sensitivity -
which is after effect of abuse: exposure to invalidation, constant corrections, constant nagging and complaining about something we do, think, say. Narcissistic abuse is causing these issues of RSD.
True problem are psychopaths and sociopaths who mimic being normal - and then cause mental instability in their targets - and then we end up with social anxiety issues and RSD.
---
These are new research into Social anxiety which Pharma mafia is trying to suppress.
There is much more money profit in making us believe that our fears and panic are hallucinations and that we equate our reactions to abuse with our lack of self worth.
-
YT "Smell of sweat may ease social anxiety for some people, researchers find"
Behind Social anxiety is Rejection Sensitivity.
Rejection Sensitivity occurs along with Complex Trauma - exposure to relentless criticism while growing up, invalidation and perfectionism from people around who are narcissistic, mentally ill but they mimic being normal to others.
RSD is common in ADHD and Autism.
Then we enter autism and sniffing as a way to self regulate:
"Do autistic kids sniff things?
Children with ASD may be hypersensitive to smell. Some may experience it more intensely, while some may want to smell everything that interests them. Children may use smelling as a way of exploring their environment or as a way of becoming oriented and comfortable with a particular object." (playgroup NSW)
---
YT "From Fear To Confidence: The Mindset Shift You Need For Social Anxiety"
Difference between shyness and social anxiety is that shyness is preoccupation with confidence and general surface level of connection with other people - by being preoccupied with romantic idea of Comfort zone.
Shyness and social anxiety overlap -
however the difference is that social anxiety is complex trauma and Rejection Sensitivity.
Social anxiety is after effect of trauma and exposure to bullying, mobbing, narcissistic abuse.
Shy people on the other hand never experience this - so they do not understand due to egocentrism that there are actually toxic people who really do care what you say or do and use data about you against you to harm you and exploit you while pretending to be normal and sane.
Social anxiety is analogy of being stuck at toxic job with ongoing mobbing and abuse without escape option. So confidence and parties and small chat with strangers is not primary focus in social anxiety at all.
The problem here is that videos like this one - where shyness is explained as social anxiety - is that you give false and detrimental message to people with real social anxiety.
Problem is that you explain away social anxiety as personality flaw - which is ableism - you want to force one way of thinking and acting as normal - while reactions to abuse and toxic people is explained away as hallucination.
This CBT approach ends up as personality disorder - because abused traumatized people are now stigmatized for feeling legit reaction to abuse and trauma.
There is nothing to fix. IF we are not serial killers - there is nothing abnormal inside our brain.
The fault is in social. That is why social anxiety is called social. It has external factor. It is not called self anxiety.
---
"get really bad shakes from it randomly like, it’s almost demobilizing, but you can’t a pussy,"
Emotions you feel are not your character.
We live in toxic society which is equating our emotions and feelings with our persona, character, personality. This is called emotional fusion.
Problem with labeling and stigmatizing our panic with our persona(lity) is that this leads to personality disorder - because now we will try to "Fix" ourselves - while in reality nothing is broken,
Shaking is part of trauma, it is CPTSD - in WW2 it was called Shell Shock.
It is trauma stuck inside our body and coming to surface with shaking and intrusive thoughts whenever we are triggered. This is not sickness - this is conditioning, we were exposed to traumatic event and now it is stuck inside our body.
Trauma does not mean we are pu$$y, sissy, weak or coward.
If we start to believe we are - we will develop extreme toxic shame.
Now narcissism and pathology, psychopaths and sociopath - they try to cover up their imperfections by building a fake mask of superiority - which ends up as criminal acts, violence and abuse - where they are insensitive to people around them - hence spreading social anxiety into the next generation.
Trauma, traumatic event that caused social anxiety was exposure to relentless criticism 24/7 in early age when our persona was forming and was suppose to experience safety.
Now due to invalidation - we are stuck with Rejection Sensitivity.
Learn more about RSD, stop torturing yourself and stop labeling yourself as weak or coward.
---
"what part of suggesting meditation is ableistic?"
browser had glitch and it sent reply to the next comment.
This was intended for the guy who was talking about Stocism.
However this does not let you off the hook.
Mediation is okay - as surface level and background technique.
It is not primary.
We are dealing here with trauma - invalidation, exposure to relentless criticism while growing up.
Therefore - mediation is not primary help - since it does not address Humanistic psychology message and that is that we accept ourselves unconditionally.
If we are not serial killers, if we have no hidden agenda to harm other people - there is no pathology, there is nothing broken or wrong with trauma and anxiety and Rejection Sensitivity - which cannot be fixed anyway.
problem is not with us - problem are abusers who abused us and society who normalized abuse.
Problem with meditation is that people who are not educated about trauma - will try to fix and negate and stifled down and reject anxiety by performing mediation as routine. When we have routine as response to anxiety - this leads to PureOCD, more worry, more hypervigilance. Jung said what we resist, persist. So what will happen in real life when we are abused, and unfairly criticized and attacked - instead of self regulating - we will depend on meditation to calm down - which is almost impossible when our brain is under threat, when there is amygdala hijacking. Then we will also label our anxiety as abnormal and develop fear from fears - since we will think we are sick whenever we are abused by someone and hence feel anxiety, panic and fear.
Since we cannot control other people - we will end up with self pathologizing approach, self blame and self flagellation - which leads to mental illness.
Just look other comments here,
Look what this guy wrote:
"Yes sir I get really bad shakes from it randomly like, it’s almost demobilizing, but you can’t a pussy, I just push through and keep acting like nothing happened, even tho inside I feel miserable, something’s you gotta just put up with"
So we end up with toxic shame just for feeling anxiety - whenever someone abuse us, when we feel mobbing and any kind of abuse - we will think we are sissy weak cowards.
This happens due to invalidation in childhood - we were exposed to criticism 24/7 and now we are stuck with high moral and ethical standards where we try to be good - like in Clockwork Orange.
Invalidation, trauma, abuse, narcissists and Cluster B monsters are causing this trauma - it is not matter of us being weak or sissy.
That is why meditation is not good - it does not address this deep root cause of social anxiety at all - mediation then ends up as rationalization of abuse, that we crap fit into abuse.
Amber poops in our bed, she makes law suit where she falsely accuse us of being rapist - and what we will do? Meditate?
---
You are mixing up Stoicism with self abuse.
Stoicism does not mean ignoring trauma, stifling down anxiety or rejecting any uncomfortable feelings or emotions.
Your interpretation of stoicism is ableism - that only one way of thinking is allowed - while divergent thinking style is seen as sick and abnormal.
True stoicism would be accepting anxiety - and not caring what other people think.
Like Nikola Tesla - he did not care much what other people think about his OCD perks - and now we have electricity and wi-fi thanks to his genius mind. He was truly stoic even when he was ridiculed by false Stoics when they mocked his idea about Martians.
---
We live in sick Trump narcissistic society which labels sadness as abnormality and something to hide.
Narcissists wants us to be slaves, that we are whores to them who are always laughing and serving and self blaming ourselves, and that we stigmatize ourselves for being sensitive, nice, and kind.
Feeling sadness is not sickness, there is nothing to cure. There is no abnormality in feeling sadness.
Our fears are normal and natural - it is totally normal to feel scared of being alone.
If we stifle down these emotions down - we will develop mental illness.
In sick society - we are not allowed to have emotions other than being happy and glad to receive abuse and disrespect.
---
"Not all anxiety is caused by trauma"
Yes it is.
Trauma is not incest or rape or physical torture.
Trauma is also being exposed to neglect, invalidation and constant relentless criticism while growing up 24/7.
People do not catch anxiety like cold.
Anxiety is not something you lean on fresh paint and it stick with you.
Anxiety is triggered by something , there had to be some psychological event which is causing it.
And it is narcissistic abuse, always.
To believe that we can heal ourselves with mediation is extremely narcissistic - delusional - it is living in solipsism, own invented world where we are some magical powerful ubermench supernatural beings who are fighting the evil and problems of this word by the power of our thoughts.
In reality - we cannot control other people with our thinking. To believe so leads to schizophrenia.
In real world - we are human beings - which means we are imperfect, we are prone to mistakes and we will never ever be perfect and it is useless to try to be perfect - since this will lead to mental illness.
We are allowed to make mistakes, to be imperfect and we ought to stay away from toxic people who are perfectionist and who deny human condition such as vulnerability.
---
YT "Social Anxiety Fix"
1. You are mixing up social anxiety with social anxiety disorder.
Not the same thing.
2. There is nothing to fix. IF we believe that we must fix it - we will develop personality disorder.
3. All people have cognitive distortions - it is called logical fallacy.
4. Social anxiety issues stem from abuse, it is reaction to trauma, complex trauma - so idea that we make ourselves believe that abuse is hallucination will lead to rationalization of abuse.
---
YT "With social anxiety, you have to do the work involved #socialanxiety"
Deficiency motivation never works.
Especially not with social anxiety which is by-product of being exposed to invalidation and criticism 24/7.
What will work is humanistic psychology - accepting oneself, validating oneself, without Tyranny of shoulds and without perfectionism.
---
" in the moment tool to quell the building tide of anxiety"
This leads to PureOCD. Any routine as response to anxiety leads to OCD.
With amygdala hijacking being activated - nothing will help , no routing, no technique. In fact - it will make things worse.
We are dealing here with the same panic and feelings which ADHD and Autistic ones deal everyday.
Idea to stigmatize our reactions as something to destroy, ignore, stifle down leads to ableism and perfectionism - both lead to mental illness.
If we are not serial killers - there is nothing wrong with our mind, there is nothing to fix.
IF we make ourselves believe that we are abnormal for feeling human - we will develop mental illness and neurosis for life.
Rosenham experiment showed that there is no difference between mentally ill in mental institutions and normal and healthy ones who were there for test.
If you decide to label your emotions as sick - you will make yourself sick. This is called self fulfilling prophecy.
If you decide to label normal human experience as abnormality - you will spend money focus and destroy mental health in attempt to built Trump walls inside your head.
Also - when you decide to label human experience as abnormality - toxic people can easily label you as abnormal.
This can be extremely dangerous - when you do not know what you want in life - other people will tell you who you are and what you must do. Then Trumps will become our leaders and we will blame ourselves for feeling abuse and traumatized by pathocracy.
"A loud noise behind you can create anxiety"
That is sensitivity. This is not anxiety at all.
When we use labels such as anxiety to quickly describe what that strange and unknown sensation or emotions really is - is called hypocognition and hypercognition.
---
YT "Kyle Mitchell's Social Anxiety & Mental Health Speaking Reel (for Teens & Young Adults)"
Social psychology tells us that environment is important in our mental health.
It is "the study of how individual or group behavior is influenced by the presence and behavior of others."
We must never ignore social element inside social anxiety. That is why it is called social+anxiety. It is social, anxiety stems from social, external element. IT is not called self anxiety.
Social anxiety stems from narcissistic abuse, invalidation and criticism.
IT leads to Rejection sensitivity. CBT bans information about Trauma, CPTSD and RSD - because pharma mafia is making huge money profit on our neurosis, making huge money on traumatized victims of abuse.
----
Less anxious you say?
Check out this news which broke out on March 31:
"Smell of sweat may ease social anxiety for some people, researchers find"
CBS Boston made short news about it.
CBS News:
"Smell of sweat may ease social anxiety for some people, researchers find. BOSTON – People with social anxiety may benefit from smelling other people's sweat. People with social anxiety or social phobia experience extreme fear in social situations and often benefit from mindfulness therapy."
Which is interesting if we observe social anxiety from the perspective of Rejection Sensitivity.
For those who do not know about RSD, it is:
Symptoms of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
Now, if we read more about RSD we will notice that it is very common with Autism and ADHD.
And this is where it gets interesting:
Autist sniff in order to self regulate and calm themselves down.
RSD is common with Autism and ADHD - because of being exposed to constant criticism. Autistic people are constantly mocked and attacked for being slightly different than norm, ADHD too. This is called ableism.
Social anxiety starts in childhood - where we are exposed to relentless criticism 24/7. It is invalidation that sets up RSD. RSD is like Devil on the shoulder - it is like permanent virus inside us that will influence our thinking and emotions and physical symptoms and explanations of it all in negative way.
This is why - any advice or instruction how to deal with social anxiety leads to more invalidation.
Instead of routines and techniques - the correct approach in social anxiety is validation and self love - that we accept our quirks and perks and particularities - instead of trying to correct them or stifle them down.
Now Humanistic psychology discovered wonderful paradox:
that once we accept ourselves as we are - we will magically change and be able to change and mold ourselves in direction which we want and desire in life.
---
I would encourage acceptance and self validation as a correct approach in handling anxiety.
I would stay away from trying to fit in and enabling toxic people to tell us how we suppose to live our lives.
Stifling down our emotions leads to mental illness. Belief that social anxiety is horrible and something to destroy is equal to stifling down emotions. This is not healthy approach.
---
YT "What social anxiety feels like.... #socialanxiety #anxiety"
This rejection sensitivity stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse.
We had to be exposed to mocking, criticizing, verbal abuse to develop this particular type of anxiety, fear and panic.
--
YT "Is willpower enough to deal with anxiety? #anxiety #mentalhealth"
For me, finding out about CPTSD and RSD helped me to self regulate much quicker than I would with CBT belief that I have "cognitive distortions" while all other people are normal because they do not exhibit social anxiety outwardly or verbally.
Also, education in psychology and philosophy helped me to learn that all people have logical fallacies (which CBT labels as cognitive distortions) - and that many people mimic being sane and healthy - while in reality they are pathological.
---
YT "Improving Social Anxiety"
Exposure leads to Functional Social anxiety - but social anxiety is still there. Best example is Michael Jackson, Prince and Whitney Houston - who all tragically are gone due to untreated trauma which was behind all social anxiety. (CPTSD and RSD).
There is no cure for RSD. But we can regulate ourselves when we learn about it - instead of blaming ourselves and instead of making hysteria about social anxiety.
Public speaking fear is not social anxiety - that is different type of anxiety.
---
YT "The feeling before & after an uncomfortable challenge for social anxiety #socialanxiety #anxiety"
The reason why I dislike "social challenges" is because:
1) it sets us to believe that we are broken, weird, abnormal and sick - and that we must perform in certain way to be normal. That is ableism.
2) it will not help with RSD which is root cause of social anxiety.
3) many people do not have money to expose
4) we put external locus of control - where we let our fears to guide us, instead of our own self worth, our intrinsic locus of control to be boss
However I do support exposure whenever there is opportunity to face our fears as a way to test our fears, beliefs and other people and learn from our mistakes and learn how to accept ourselves with mistakes -
and when we must expose - such as going to job or fear of driving - where exposure will help with driving phobia.
With social anxiety we need to deeply understand that our fears and panic are not the same as our character, persona, personality. We are not sissy, unmanly, weak, stupid, abnormal for feeling social anxiety. The reason we feel social anxiety is because of exposure to criticism 24/7 while growing up - and now our mind is bent to self criticize and expect torture from other people. That is RSD.
---
YT "12 Signs of Trauma You May Not Know | PTSD & CPTSD"
I'm back again because - there is new discovery in Social anxiety - which actually now I understand better thanks to this groundbreaking video by Doctor Snipes. This video allowed me to new perspectives in trauma and social anxiety.
With this video - I realized that social anxiety is actually Rejection Sensitivity - and also there is connection with Rejection sensitivity with Autism and ADHD.
Well - the new research which was covered by CBS News on March 31 2023 tells us that:
"Smell of sweat may ease social anxiety for some people, researchers find"
CBS Boston made short news about it.
CBS News:
"Smell of sweat may ease social anxiety for some people, researchers find. BOSTON – People with social anxiety may benefit from smelling other people's sweat. People with social anxiety or social phobia experience extreme fear in social situations and often benefit from mindfulness therapy."
Now - the interesting part is - that after I watched this video - I started to learn more about autism and ADHS, so I followed twitter tweets about autism - and one of them said that autist like to sniff.
Then I researched this and discovered that autist already use sniffing as a way to calm down and self regulate:
"Sniffing around: People with autism engage almost half their brain (right) when they smell the air, suggesting they search for odors even when none exist. People with autism use different brain regions than typical people do to distinguish between the scents of familiar and unfamiliar individuals"
(spectrumnews)
"Do autistic kids sniff things?
Children with ASD may be hypersensitive to smell. Some may experience it more intensely, while some may want to smell everything that interests them. Children may use smelling as a way of exploring their environment or as a way of becoming oriented and comfortable with a particular object." (playgroup NSW)
So - this new research is confirming Doctor Snipes and information given in this breakthrough video.
There is connection between Complex Trauma - social anxiety - and RSD -
where Autists and ADHD feel RSD due to exposure to invalidation and relentless criticism and ableism.
Narcissistic abuse is causing all the mental issues we struggle with and try to resolve!
With ableism, exposure to criticism and naggings and relentless complaints about our errors which we try not to commit - sets us up to social anxiety and trauma and RSD.
Narcissist Personality Disorder
One of the few conditions where the patient is left alone and everyone else is treated.
(PierceTheDarkness)
---
YT "Why agreeable people get into trouble with narcissists"
"we must change too"
This one is tricky.
Coercive control means that we were brainwashed, there is nothing inherently wrong with us. IF we believe we are victims, or that our thinking or behaviour caused the abuse - we are making it seem as if we have contributed to abuse - which is victim shaming and victim blaming.
Also - belief that we can influence other people via our thoughts and behaviour - that we find perfect way how to be perfect - leads to personality disorder and narcissism itself - since we will reject parts of ourselves where we are vulnerable and replace it with imaginary fake self.
Abusers abuse because they are abusers. There is nothing that we did to cause them to abuse.
We did not invite them, we did not make them abuse - the choice and decision to abuse is their own entirely. It has nothing to to with us. Nor there is anything inside us that needs to be fixed.
Unless we are serial killers - there is no pathology inside us to be cured or changed.
---
YT "Why agreeable people get into trouble with narcissists
"
CBT joins into self blame hysteria and labels social anxiety (symptoms which agreeable people will experience) - CBT will tell that toxic people do not exist and that we can magically influence difficult people with our thoughts (ABC Model). CBT does not tell anything about narcissistic abuse - CBT is therapy of ableism. CBT will explain abuse as hallucination and delusion.
---
That is great - however that is not social anxiety.
You were simply shy.
Shyness and social anxiety overlap and it may seem the same - but there is huge difference.
Social anxiety does not go away with exposure.
That is the reason why social anxiety was renamed from social phobia in 1990s. Phobias are healed with exposure and repeated exposure - such as driving phobia.
If your "social anxiety" vanished with exposure - it simply means you had shyness and shyness went away -
you never had true social anxiety in the first place.
Social anxiety is RSD - it is Rejection sensitivity - and it comes as after effect of being exposed to relentless criticism , verbal abuse, narcissistic abuse in early age when persona if forming. It is permanent. RSD will always be triggered by critical unsafe and violent dangerous and predatory personalities.
It does not go away, it is permanent.
Problem with social anxiety is that - if we decide that our RSD (fears, panic, extreme shyness, anxiety) is sickness and something to fix and destroy and remove - we will develop personality disorder.
This is because RSD is connected with our agreeableness.
agreeableness is personality trait - it is not sickness, it is not pathology.
And sick Trump world we live in despises sensitivity and labels it as sissy, abnormal, unmanly - and this unfair labels and stigma create RSD, trauma and social anxiety - new layers.
Truth is - that we can perceive our stimuli processing and RSD as something to live with and we can learn to live with it - without self blame.
The approach to destroy and fix and hide away social anxiety leads to self blame, shame shifting and victim blaming - because we do not see that fear anxiety and triggers stem from toxic people around us. We do not blame them due to agreeableness - we blame ourselves instead.
This will make us stuck with people like Amber who will poop in our beds, build false court accusations of us being rapist to destroy our career - we will attract toxic people who will exploit our agreeableness.
People pleasing, being nice, sensitive - is not sickness nor pathology. Problem and only problem were and always will be toxic people who exploit and harm others.
Your approach of exposure totally gives neutrality to abusers and sets all the blame on our brain, on our particularities, on our sensitivity - and that is extremely damaging to our psyche and can lead to mental illness.
If we are not serial killers, if we are not arrogant a$$holes like Musk, Jordan Peterson - there is nothing wrong with us, there is nothing to fix no over-come.
The one and only problem are toxic people around us - and they need to go. We need to cut contact with them - and our "social anxiety" will vanish - as soon as we cut off toxic people and toxic self blaming habits.
---
Author of the video claims that social anxiety is hallucination and it can be destroyed , that our negative and bad emotions are sickness.
What happens when we are abused? When there is narcissistic abuse ongoing? Mobbing? We will feel social anxiety - yet this is never mention, what happens then? How we deal with unfavorable Power Dynamics when we cannot leave, exit nor run away and we are forced to endure attack from someone who is in authority.
Inability to see abuse as the cause of social anxiety is egocentrism, it is narcissism. You see only black and white, you do not see grey fuzzy logic.
---
(4.4.2023)
"making sure you’re protected from duplicitous people"
From my experience this turns into Social anxiety, Agoraphobia, Avoidance disorder - when we are inside Toxic ambient, when we live in toxic shame culture country where being intrusive is sign of masculinity and strength and normalcy, in case of being stuck in unfavorable Power Dynamics where we simply cannot be "assertive" or make choice to leave toxic ambient nor cut contact with toxic people.
Then we are stuck with toxicity - and idea that somehow we are inviting abuse with our personality (as explained in video) - will lead to severe toxic shame (deep self hatred) and personality disorder - since we will reject ourselves and hate ourselves for being anything by society's norm.
This is common problem - that we tend , by we I mean normal, healthy, sane, non pathological people- we tend to blame ourselves and fix ourselves first before looking in external factor as the cause of all problems.
Gabor Mate is talking about this Myth of Normal, that exactly this belief that our thoughts are the cause of abuse and that we somehow are participants in abuse - leads to abuse being neutral, where somehow both target of abuse has the same responsibility as the psychopath who is choosing to abuse easy targets.
It is not. Abusers are abnormal, they are pathological, they choose to abuse, it is totally their own will to abuse - and they will abuse no matter how nice or not nice we are.
When we are not nice, when we are "assertive" - they will simply poop in our bed, they will make up false claims that we are rapist, they will humiliate us in front of media and court with false allegations and using our reactive abuse as proof that we are also abusers.
Abusers will abuse no matter what we think, how we act and what we do- they will simply use different techniques, different ways of manipulation and different various ways of control - like backstabbing, employing flying monkeys, pathological lying and smear campaign. That is because they are sick and abnormal - something that we normal people cannot grasp - since due to Confirmation bias we will judge other people through lens of ourselves - and we cannot find the same evil to equate it enough with them. Then we will rationalize and intellectualize our own faults and errors, as we were been taught in childhood when we were disciplined.
---
There is concept called Rational choice theory - and it tells us that as adults we have knowledge and intuition to make decision in our lives.
Problem is - when we start to label certain aspects of ourselves as abnormal and sick because they somehow "invite" abuse and abusers - we will destroy this intrinsic locus of control, we will destroy self worth - and we will develop toxic shame.
Without self worth we will become codependent on other people to explain us what is normal and good, we will become hysterical at any sign of "negativity" and conflict and different opinion or argument - because we won't trust our openness nor our agreeableness anymore.
I would encourage to re-examine this idea that we must change ourselves in order to crap fit into toxic ambient and with toxic people.
I would not go into plastic surgeries to make ourselves perfect and strong - that is actually narcissism itself: trying to build fake strong image of oneself which is not allowed to be in natural way just because we might be vulnerable and admit having mistakes and flaws.
Being nice is not mistake nor error nor flaw.
The only problem is and always will be Cluster B monsters who are abusing and exploiting empathy in others. Problem does no lie in our minds nor our thinking.
---
YT "Stop being a push over"
1) Being pushover stem from narcissistic abuse in childhood (exposure to relentless criticism 24/7 when child mind cannot see this as discipline but as invalidation) - and this is conditioning, like circus animals - this is not something you can stop at whim.
Then, 2) being pushover in real life - means getting fired from job because you won't be taken advantage of. So.. what happens when you can't pay rent? What if you have children and third parties (older parents) who need money - how will you support yourself?
3) "Pushover" may be personality trait - it is Openness and Agreeableness. These are not sickness nor abnormality - it is persona, and if you decide to nitpick and change this in order to be "macho" - this plastic surgery of personality will lead to personality disorder , mental illness and toxic shame (deep seated self hatred).
4) in order to make friends, to have any kind of contact with other people - you need to have certain amount of openness and agreeableness - and this means not always insisting that everything must be like you demand it to be
5) "our nature" that is ableism - you believe that alpha guy idea is normal and general and everyone must think in the same way - that is abnormality actually. It is like living in North Korea or Putin Russia - you see that one mind thinking is insanity and leads to delusions and mild schizophrenia and narcissism. It is mental illness if you are egocentric and you are unable to see that diversity exists in life and that people are not clones of the same.
Paradox is that behind "alfa" mindset lies cowardice and you depend very much on what other people think about you.
You try to appear strong and defiant - so much that you do not realize that other people control you and manipulate you. In fact you are pushover covert one.
How?
Well - test it:
Wear something feminine - and you won't be able to do it because you fear what other people will say about you, you are afraid of being mocked and made fun of. You will be afraid of being labeled and that someone think about you not being masculine. This way other people control and manipulate you what you wear, how you talk and what you do in your life - and you have no idea that you are being pushover to groupthink and herd mentality and conformism.
Jung said what we fear in ourselves we project on other people.
That is why you feel triggered and afraid of pushovers and that is why they disgust you - because you are pushover yourself but you hide it away, suppress it and pretend it doesn't exist.
This suppressing leads to mental illness and narcissism, later on crime - because you will be driven by mentally ill idea that you must be macho and masculine.
You have penis in between your legs. That makes you masculine. Not what you wear or how you act.
-
This RSD is like Devil on the shoulder. IT is giving us wrong explanations and it appears as true to us - since we grew up with it.
Problem starts that we do not recognize it as agent of negativity, and additional problem is that problems and issues and stumbling blocks we end up in life with - we are governed by this RSD which is thwarting our explanations and perspective.
For long time I was explaining this as Social anxiety.
And then ended up with CBT (which is 99 percent of self help books and online official resources about social anxiety) - and CBT explains social anxiety as hallucination.
Then this false definition of social anxiety made me dismiss my persona and character - and I ended up with toxic people and toxic ambient, and I would trust them in whatever they want and explain about in life. I would label all my reactions as abnormality and disorder - as CBT tells us -
and this leads to personality disorder since I would not lean on my common sense or my intuition.
So RSD is creating damage inside us -
and it is high probability that other people around us (without bad intentions) and CBT - are giving us false and wrong explanations about our emotions and actions being equal to our self worth - which is highly damaging for our psyche - since we will dismiss idea that we can lean on our own brain.
Without self worth we are cripples - we won't be able to function in life - we won't trust our decisions - and we will allow people around us to guide us -and we will become extremely codependent to others and constantly in victim role mode.
This information about RSD will finally help all those people who are struggling with issues that nobody seem to explain us about.
---
(5.4.2023)
YT "Connecting with yourself before connecting with others"
Go deeper.
How can we connect with ourselves since trauma means invalidation and exposure to invalidation.
So it is not about mere looking in. When we look in, we will seek criticism and negativeness and what needs to be fixed - in short - this self awareness will soon turn into invalidation. Or even orgy of invalidation and inner criticism.
Validation is the key. Self acceptance, listening to our anxiety and validating it instead of trying to remove it, stifle it down or ignore it. We can't be happy all the time, it is impossible to be happy if outer experiences are not favorable - such as poverty, toxic ambient, narcissistic abuse ongoing without means to escape it. Of course there will be inability to connect with someone who is antagonistic and who demands perfectionism -
problem starts when we start to believe lies and demands and explanations from someone toxic around us.
Looking withing then means - observing our Rejection Sensitivity inside us which is siding with toxic people and produces self abuse, self flagellation and perfectionism and belief that we , our sensitivity , flaws and errors are abnormal and sick and something to destroy - and not to learn from.
---
YT "Why Traumatized People Get Accused of "Playing the PTSD Card""
This is mentality of Patton during WW2 when he slapped soldiers suffering from Shell Shock (before PTSD was discovered).
Also Andrew Tate made video about trauma and abuse and he indoctrinated a lot of young men that talking about trauma is feminine and weak and sissy, the same messages which Jordan Peterson is spreading to impressionable youth ("to show teeth").
Since Complex Trauma is after-effect of Narcissistic abuse and exposure to relentless criticism by someone belonging to Cluster B predatory personalities - we need to learn about Cluster B more - and then we will learn that narcissists use trauma as playing a victim - so that is exactly what they project onto us. They are essentially re-traumatizing us.
With Agreeableness and Openness in our personality trait - we will tend to neutralize and rationalize and intellectualize predatory personalities and try to integrate them - since this is who we are, we are kind and nice - and these parasites are parasiting on our moral and ethical standards where we accept everyone. Once we know this Agreeableness as personality trait (free Big 5 test is available online) - we can start to modulate it a bit and learn how to not to be hurt by others - by not self censuring ourselves - we need to speak out when someone is unfair and accusing us of untrue things like being a victim.
Predatory styles do not want to get well, they do not want to learn self regulation - they do not want harmony with others, they want chaos, they want drama and they want victims inside their Karpman Drama Triangle - so that is why they project victim shaming on us - they want us to be triggered and to try to change them - while they are pathological liars and live in delusions and mild schizophrenia really as Sam Vaknin describes in his videos.
I would speak up, tell our side and then cut contact with predators, I would not invite them, they are simply not welcomed inside our circle anymore. They had their chance. I believe we feel this trauma experience to learn to cut toxic people off and keep them cut. This is message, this is training we are learning here on in our human experience.
There are so many nice, kind empathic people out there who deserve our love, focus, money, ideas and protection and warmth. Predators do not deserve it - no matter what our personality trait of agreeableness and openness will tell us.
I am not talking here about abusing or attacking Cluster B monsters. I am talking here about shifting focus away from them - they will do everything to get our attention and to keep our attention to them - they are picking up our empathic traits and pulling them - similar to long hair being pulled by bullies. Our task is to learn what is going on and learn that bullies will not become better - since they are committed to their delusions and abnormality to the core. And there is nothing we can say or do to change that.
---
It is societal conditioning. We are taught that vulnerabilities are equal to being sissy and weak - while toxic society celebrates not caring as normal.
Gabor Mate is talking about toxic society norms in his new book Myth of Normal. Quote below.
The problem with toxic society which caused our trauma and which is causing Complex Trauma - is that we end up with belief that having fears and anxiety is sign of sickness, something abnormal - and CBT is joining into this hysteria that we must be afraid of feeling afraid - and that we must stifle down our emotions and repress them in order to be functional slaves to corporations and Trumps as our overlords.
Problem here is that suppressing emotions leads to mental illness. So CBT as medical industry is making us sick since it promotes ableism and it hypnotizes us to believe that feeling anxiety is abnormality -
while in reality being serial killer, being person without empathy, someone with hidden agenda to harm and hurt others is the only pathology there is.
Instead we are being told by society that we equate our fears and anxiety as sickness to suppress and self medicate and be ashamed off.
So what happens - out side circumstances and people - such as poverty and being in toxic ambient as toxic shame culture where we live - we won't see this as abnormality - instead we will label our reactions to abnormality and pathology as sickness. We will self pathologize ourselves - and never loop up and see the truth : that fears and anxiety are mere messengers that we are surrounded by mentally ill predatory Cluster B monsters who are mimicking being sane and who are spreading false messages that feeling emotions and reaction to their abuse is our personal sickness and our abnormality.
---
"johnny doesnt understand that alot of people dont talk about their childhood,me included"
Yeah, this is true.
While I was reading so many self help books to understand what I have always been believing was social anxiety - but in the end it turned out to be Complex Trauma and Rejection Sensitivity - I did find passages which described trauma as the cause of fears and panic - I read John Bradshaw book about Shame - and he talked a lot about trauma - which I ignored. I did not find myself in construct which his book described trauma : that trauma is when your mother is measuring your genitalia and laughing and mocking it, that trauma means incest - so I dismissed it.
It is only after discovering Complex Trauma concept - that I learned that exposure to relentless criticism IS trauma.
That was breakthrough realization for me - since toxic society explains trauma as being victim, as something we can overlook and turn the page by will and being stoic, while in reality it is the opposite:
trauma is holding us and forbid us to move on no matter how much we try to suppress it and ignore it and pretend it was not big deal.
---
"self improvement"
Self improvement which actually means validation and self acceptance, not building up fake persona of grandiosity.
Big difference.
Johnny types of predatory personalities perceive "therapy" as Jordan Peterson/Andrew Tate/internet stoicism approach where they try to suppress emotions and pretend emotions do not exist while learning skills how to attract new victims into their abuse, selfishness and narcissism. Their definition of Self improvement is to become monster and to hurt and cause pain to anyone who is critical or open and honest and authentic. Fake mask means being extremely vulnerable to truth, pain and reality.
---
Problem start when their verbal abuse triggers our trauma and trauma bond with them, we try to heal them.
Sam Vaknin: Verbal abuse entrains the brain. The abuser creates in your brain specific wave patterns.
---
He is verbally abusing us.
WE need to learn red flags. Our compassion and empathy, toxic empathy to be exact - will prevent us to see reality as it is.
He is predator and abuser - and he is consciously doing this verbal abuse and drama and antagonism - so that we are focused on their anger, emotions and that we try to be engaged with them.
---
YT "Mental Disorder or Toxic Shame?"
True!
And toxic shame stems from Cluster B monsters who are mimicking being sane be controlling and abusing others through guilt and shame. Then we end up broken, thinking we are sick - while in reality we were abused and traumatized by someone who was truly mentally ill and pathological.
Unless we are serial killers, Jordan Peterson, Musk, Putin, unless we have hidden agenda to harm and hurt and cause pain to other people - there is nothing sick inside us. Nothing pathological.
Feeling emotions is not sickness. Feeling panic as reaction to someone who poops in our bed and makes false allegations in court about us - is not sickness. It is reaction to Cluster B monster and their own mental illness which they don't care to attend.
---
YT "The Psychology of Personality Types (Know Yourself)"
This topic especially resonates with anyone suffering from social anxiety and avoidance, where faulty CBT labels it as personality disorder - without actually explaining what personality disorder means and taking Big 5 personality test -
which would show that being Agreeable and Open naturally leads to social anxiety experiences when in contrast to narcissists and other Cluster B monsters.
Instead ableist CBT labels experiences of abuse and trauma as hallucination, laziness and cowardice. This way CBT is part of narcissistic abuse.
When we learn about persona and personality - things which previously were mysterious will make sense now.
Especially when we put them in contrast and superimposed to narcissistic abuse , such as verbal abuse and invalidation.
---
YT "Mistakes I Made Dealing With TOXIC People In The Workplace"
I entered toxic workplace as knowing I have issues with social anxiety (which back then I did not know it was actually Complex Trauma and Rejection Sensitivity) - and the self help books, therapy and online advice would give "advice" to socially anxious and avoidants - to expose and stay with people and that toxic people do not exist and that abuse I am perceiving is my hallucination and disorder and abnormality inside me. CBT is spreading this idea - and that CBT claims these two wrong instructions:
1) that we can simply leave - which is impossible when we are living in poor country, when we do not have skills and education to find another job
2) that we must be assertive with someone who is difficult - which does not work with pathological liars, someone who is delusional (NPD) on the other side, someone who is psychopaths and sociopath and hence have hidden agenda to harm and exploit their targets by presenting wrong data and hiding truth away. Then being honest with such predators only gives voluntary data to them which they exploit later on, and they label our honesty as being weak, sissy and abnormal, and they keep us trapped inside Karpman Drama Triangle where they simply make endless accusations and we stay stuck in victim role where we endlessly defined ourselves to someone who is abnormal and mentally ill and delusional and lives in their own fantasy world where system supports their coercive control (which is criminal act).
---
YT "Important Tips That I Learned For Dealing With TOXIC People"
Looking back - self censorship was the most devastating "error" I done - which actually was not mistake nor error at all - since being silent to abusers is conditioning and mixture or personality. Agreeableness and Openness - are personality traits which will make us to lean on Negative Politeness (not to hurt someone's feelings by being blunt). With conditioning we are repeatedly programmed to believe that being honest and speaking facts and being objective is being arrogant and rude and aggressive.
Then toxic people will project their mental illness onto us and we will believe them - again due to conditioning (ACE) and personality (toxic empathy) - where we will have understanding for someone who is actually psychopath and unable to feel emotions and is devoted solely to harm and hurt other people around.
---
YT "How I Handled A TOXIC Work Environment & What I Learned From It"
I devoted past 3 years to get bottom at my own emotions and reactions and feelings and make sense of what is going on.
What I learned was:
1) there is Complex Trauma - which makes me be triggered to verbal abuse. To outside people it will appear as if I am too sensitive - if I warn someone that they are abusive and aggressive and wrong and unfair.
2) that narcissistic abuse, Cluster B personalities operate in different way - they are focused on greed however they adapted fake mask and glib charm to appear "confident" "strong" "competent" and "better" - which someone who went through abuse appears as god like figure who is always correct whatever they assert or accuse. and they accuse as a way to cover up toxic shame, abuse and trauma inside them- they feel good by making others feel like crap and pinpointing their mistakes and errors as catastrophe and blow from 0 to 100 about anything insignificant and minor and demand perfectionism and put other people down.
Without education about NPD - we internalize their verbal abuse as our own fault and our own abnormality and CBT joins into this self pathologizing hysteria blaming.
3) that being exposed to invalidation of complex trauma experience created Rejection Sensitivity:
Symptoms of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
(when criticism hurts)
- Being easily embarrassed
- Heightened fear of failure
- Unrealistically high expectations for self
- Assuming people don't like you
- Avoiding social settings
- Perfectionistic tendencies
RSD, trauma and NPD will make us believe that we must be kind to toxic people, leads to negative politeness and toxic empathy where we attack ourselves , blame ourselves, see our errors as proof of our incompetence - while toxic people are god like figure which must never be criticized or blamed or nitpicked about,
---
YT "Being A Target Of TOXIC People, Workplace Abuse & Bullying, Smear Campaign"
Psychopaths, sociopaths, NPD, Borderliners - they scan their environment and seek someone who responds to their threats, abuse and accusations, they make research who gets triggered and how targets of their abuse do in response of their abuse which is explained and rationalized away.
Toxic people predators Cluster B monsters will target our mistakes, errors and present them as catastrophe and personal harm that we have done some kind of personal damage. They equate emotions with character. Sam Vaknin talked about this hypnosis - he called as entrainment.
When we are brought up in critical parenting environment - we will be prone to equate our errors mistakes flaws and lack of information as lack in our character - we will blame ourselves - and predators exploit this childhood wound invalidation by invalidating us through our mistakes and errors and flaws and lack of information.
WE need to learn about narcissistic abuse and become educated how they think in order to not accuse ourselves when they start smear campaign and their explanations with hidden agenda.
---
YT "Confidence VS Competence Of The Narcissist, Hitler, World War 2, Politicians || Frederik Ribersson"
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." - Napoleon Bonaparte
Hehe, narcissists are so confident in their delusions that they will never sit and learn or acknowledge problems. Perhaps - sometimes it is better to leave things to go the way these psychopaths want - since it will be their own doom in the end, self sabotage. Like Ebola virus - being so lethal that is destroys itself through being too aggressive - before it is spread around and then makes significant damage.
If someone was nannying Trump away all the time - he would never make legal mistakes - and he would never end up in the court.
--
"you must be brave to stand for yourself."
Thanks for comment.
It is more complicated than simply being macho and strong and courageous.
Firstly - when there is conflict confrontation and misunderstanding - it is always narcissist, someone stubborn, pathological on the other side, psychopath, sociopath.
They are pathological liars.
They live inside their own invented world, it is downright schizophrenia, they are delusional - so how can we come to conclusion with someone who is not comprehending reality.
Also - they are devoted to antagonism, They don't care about the truth, they only care about their secret agenda which is almost always greed and harming and hurting someone and taking advantage of someone.
Then almost all people will say - well cut contact and go away from such people.
What if we can't?
Due to poor country where another job is not available. How will we pay our bills and rent if we quit toxic job?
What if there are third parties involved such as children or elderly whom we cannot abandon?
What is there is contract, papers, red tape - and escape is hence impossible.
Then we are stuck in what YT HealthyGamer defines as "Unfavorable Power Dynamics" - and we have no other choice but to fawn and be people pleaser and be pushover.
Social anxiety comes to narcissistic abuse.
It is coined in narcissistic abuse, it is not hallucination.
If social anxiety is hallucination - it would not appear as panic in social situations, it would spread in other areas and we can see on you tube how people who suffer from paranoia look like and how they talk and what they focus on - they do not pay much to hygiene etc.
CBT is making great psychological damage by wrong conclusions about social anxiety, CBT is part of narcissistic abuse since it denies social factor, outside external element which is causing the anxiety in their targets.
---
(6.4.2023)
RSD has no cure. But there are workarounds.
We need to just stop for a minute and take this information as it and history.
Many people are misdiagnosed. They are given wrong diagnosis and they are given wrong instruction, it is like going to a doctor who says that parts of your body must be exposed to radiation, cut off - while in reality there is no sickness there at all.
So basically - this RSD information is revolutionary.
We need to step back and see what it means:
It means that we have genome DNA of things that bother us- which faulty CBT and DSM mislabeled as personality disorders, hallucinations and abnormality. So we can all breathe deeply and accept ourselves as we are - we do not need to carry burden of Sisyphus which CBT and corrupt medical industry put on ourselves.
CBT still bans information about CPTSD (which is not the same as PTSD) while WHO's ICD-11 recognizes it as real concept.
So we need to become aware that when we sought help - we were actually abused by society and we were given detrimental information -
which Glasser wrote in his book long time ago: published in 2004; William Glasser describes in Warning: Psychiatry Can Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health.
Once we realize that Humanistic Psychology is correct approach to social anxiety - we can turn off "advice" from videos such as these - and actually lean on our own brain which CBT labeled as abnormal and sick.
In reality - we feel social anxiety due to toxic people and abuse - toxic people are covert abusers and they will appear to us friendly and nice and helpful and as service - which they pay off by being rude and critical and abusive to us, intrusive.
So - it is obvious our first step would be to enhance social anxiety: avoid toxic people, learn narcissistic abuse, learn red flags in order to recognize who is toxic - and minimize contact if exit is not available to us (due to money, shelter, papers, third party).
Another realization is about Big 5 Personalities - which state that Agreeableness will lead to abolition of abuse - we will tend to blame ourselves if someone is abusive. This is not sickness - this is our personality of empaths. So once again - we need to accept our personality and learn how to cut off toxic people in agreeable way, without drama and endless "assertions" which CBT is instructing us.
Third concept is Polyvagal Theory which is also banned by CBT yet highly helpful to sufferers of abuse and bullying and mobbing.
This means - that we can learn that Ventral Vagal is our goal to be mentally healthy and stabile. Ventral Vagal means to be sociable and to be calm -
and once we know RSD is our Devil on the Shoulder which is like inner critic who is giving us false explanations and distorts reality - we can now calm down much more sooner. This calm down process is called Emotional regulation, Self-regulation - also one of many concepts which CBT hides away from us since CBT instructs us to believe we are abnormal and sick for having reactions to abusers and psychopaths around us.
If we are not serial killers - if we do not have any hidden agenda to harm and cause pain and suffering to other people - there is nothing pathological inside us,
all people have cognitive distortions - even CBT therapist - it is called bias, logical fallacy - cognitive distortions are not endemic to socially anxious as CBT portrays it to be in order to psychologically abuse us into submission and toxic shame.
More on my Reddit forum and blogs.
---
YT "Short Story: 10 rights to say "No!" without feeling guilty"
So... what happens when someone's husband it latent murderer and saying No ends up as Femicide?
face-orange-raised-eyebrow
The idea in this video or from book which this is transcribed from - is that we are the ones who are committing abuse.
Or that abuse does not exist at all.
In real life - when we say no, when we refuse - we will be fired from our jobs. Which is actually real problem if we live in poor toxic country where another job is not alternative.
In real life- when we say no to narcissistic personalities - they will punish us, they are capable of verbal physical abuse in over way - but also in covert way - by backstabbing us.
Abuse is not our choice, we are not the ones who are abusing. We live in toxic society which puts all the blame and focus on victims of abuse and giving such silly messages that we are some kind of pushovers for being abused and being stuck in toxic ambient.
Another "advice" from such egocentric "helpers" is that we just leave. Well - in real life - we cannot leave toxic places nor toxic people - due to money (lack of it), due to power dynamics, due to service, help or contract(s), due to third party (children or elderly whom we cannot just leave to fend for their own).
The videos like this promote victim shaming and victim blaming.
---
YT "Let's Talk About Anxiety in Today's World"
"Anxiety is not localized in the mind. "
I would say it is also outside of the body: toxic ambient, toxic people. It is external factor as I call it.
We all heard this sentence: 'Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a$$holes.'
This is something I discovered with Social anxiety, which I wrote in Social anxiety Map concept - that there is multiple of sources, it is like manifold or playing Star Trek Chess with stacked boards on top of each other.
Manifold in social anxiety is:
Physical - Behaviour - Mentally - External - All - Relationship/Attachment and
I also added Unknown Factor - which means anxiety stems from something which we cannot grasp due to hypo-cognition or lack of technology and education to describe is - such as paranormal phenomena.
I see anxiety as Calabi-Yau manifold - it has many surfaces observable from certain angle, while other surfaces are not observable to us unless we turn it around and observe it from different angle.
For example -
What if possession are real - and we do not have tech yet to detect it. We all seen it in Star Trek where aliens have abilities to get inside someone's mind. Maybe it is not even person - perhaps events from the past of future can influence someone who has ability to sense past events or have ability to see the future - these are all scenarios which today's technology cannot process, detect or analyze - yet it may be the cause of anxiety.
In social anxiety in particular I see anxiety as messenger, as Rollo May talked about it. I see it as in sci fi movie from 2016 called Arrival:
"Louise Banks, a linguistics expert, along with her team, must interpret the language of aliens who have come to Earth in a mysterious spaceship."
And hence our job is to analyze and interpret anxiety message.
The newest Unknown Factor and message is RSD. With RSD concept it is clear that anxiety in social anxiety issues stem from childhood exposure to endless criticism which is now entity inside us, a reflex which is producing anxiety, intrusive worry, catastrophizing.
---
That's all great but in real life - people who cannot take no for answer are on power position - where we depend on them (money, shelter, third party).
Also people who are unable to take no are pathological liars and unreliable narrators, they give false data, provide half information, they gaslight and make coercive control - where it is impossible to say no due to blackmail and false evidence which they provide like shame shifting and blaming - usually our mistakes and flaws and or lack of information, knowledge or education or experience and presenting it as sissy, abnormal, weak, coward, or some kind of damage or catastrophe for others in order to elicit guilt and shame. then saying no is impossible.
Also - there is set of punishment.
---
(7.4.2023)
YT "Stand Up for Yourself #hamza #selfimprovement #clips #shorts
"
Things you do not mention here is constant criticism and pathologizing normal personality types (Big 5 personality test is available free and quick online) such as Agreeableness and Openness - which are not disorder nor sickness.
You do not speak that abusers and people who are predatory and mean are mentally ill - and why would anyone argue with someone who is criminally insane or with covert schizophrenia?
Why would anyone enter an argument with someone who is pathological liar and lives in delusions and imaginary world?
Just to prove you are alpha and loud and macho? You will yell and scream at someone who needs medication and be locked in institution and should be avoided in the first place?
Things you never mention in your alpha macho stoic videos that exposure to Karen hysterical types like you who are battling and see world black and white with standing up for yourselves and victims of education school system - is that exposure to people like you who are criticizing all the time - build rejection sensitivity issues in your listeners. You are creating mental illness around you with narcissistic urge to be "macho" and "alpha":
---
Good insight about self-help.
Also - self help confirms our Confirmation Bias and when we seek it - we are coming from Availability Heuristics - where our own tunnel vision and egocentricity keeps us trapped in what we believe is problem and what we consider as solution - and then self help only affirms our pre-arranged beliefs. Any information which seems strange, weird or unknown or not described in detail or in understandable format - will be rejected. And then nothing will happen.
---
Toxicity is like rotten apple - it spreads quickly and turns brain into zombie and Karen.
Especially with teens who are insecure and want to assert their macho alpha status -
in real life this ends up as narcissism and narcissistic abuse where they find nice, kind quiet people as their target which they abuse to feel superior, good and strong and courageous..
While they leave true monsters who deserve vulgarities alone.
---
"Creating another source of income"
...or we can actually cut our expenses, stop supporting Trump narcissistic toxic corporate mentality, stop to be greedy, stop impressing people who are not interested in us anyway with our material possessions, stop to pollute our planet with garbage and excess feces from devouring everything. After we die, we won't take our money with us. Only our experiences and what we have learned goes along.
---
(10.4.2023)
YT "Do you experience Social anxiety ?"
Social anxiety by official description is fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
It is toxic people who trigger and create social anxiety.
That is why it is called social+anxiety. It has this social element.
It is not called self-anxiety, we are not afraid of our own head. Nasty, rude, critical, unfair people cause social anxiety -as it has roots in critical parenting, ACE test is available online for free- we can test this trauma factor, login is not required, ACE test is quick - and we can test and check that social anxiety stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse when we were little: constant and relentless criticism - which now repeats.
When we are exposed to relentless criticism in early age when our mind and soul is supposed to be build on trust and safety - we will eventually get triggered by bullying to the point where we cannot trust other people and our toxic shame is already inside us to interpret toxic people as our own fault - and then we end up with social anxiety.
---
YT "Defeating Social Anxiety"
Social anxiety stems from exposure to relentless criticism while we were growing up. This critical parenting, narcissistic abuse is so covered up - that we do not notice it as problem at all. Instead we absorb narcissistic abuse as our own fault.
Then we look at anxiety as "weak mentality".
Then some people decide to build fake persona who is in the battle with the whole world - and this leads to mental illness: narcissism and social anxiety is then passed on to the next generation, as it was passed to ourselves when we were children trying to build soul, persona and character in loving and validating environment and only get abuse, nagging, complaints, error nitpicking, criticizing 24/7.
"Research suppose to be comforting"
What is definition of comforting? If we learn that our emotions are triggered by abuse and toxic people - this is comforting as oppose to believe that we are abnormal and weak and cowards for feeling uncomfortable emotions.
Idea that comforting means that we must feel happy and chirpy all the time - is unrealistic, it is fantasy, Personal Fable and Just world fallacy.
"she started screaming can't take picture because you don't have tie"
Social anxiety triggered by criticism and nitpicking our flaws and errors and things we cannot mend right away, usually triggered by someone with lack or empathy and someone with egocentrism and stigmatization of others who are different than groupthink and herd mentality. This is theme which is repeating - since social anxiety is caused by narcissistic abuse.
That is why social anxiety is called social+anxiety. Social is external factor here.
"Anxiety is natural emotion, every single human being on this planet, I promise you, every single human being experience it one way or another. Some people acknowledge it, some don't. Tied to your perception of reality".
When I wrote topic about this at reddit main forum, my post was deleted, later I was banned and many commentators there wrote that I lying and that this is not true.
"Put yourself in social situation"
What if we don't have money to expose, travel?
"Identify what causes your anxiety -it could be different"
It is called social anxiety. DSM clearly describes social anxiety as fear of criticism and negative evaluation. It is much clear what causes it - triggers are other people complaints about our mistakes, errors and flaws.
"You can't be coward, you can't be f*king pussy"
Idea that we fuse our trauma with being character trait as coward leads to mental illness, personality disorder.
This is the result of exposure to narcissistic abuse.
"Abyss of misery"
Or we can learn about Divergent thinking - and realize that ability to think is not sickness. Neurodiversity concept.
"Identify the source"
ACE test is available online - it can show that social anxiety is Complex Trauma and it results as Adverse Childhood Experience. Logging is not required, it is free and quick test.
"Can't be coward, get that thing do, do what you need to do, don't let it stop you"
Social anxiety can be Functional. This is called Functional Social anxiety - where there is exposure.
Yet trauma is still inside - not healed.
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety yet performed in front of cameras and billions of people without any problem - yet trauma unhealed ended with tragedy. He was also abused in childhood and exposed to criticism - which causes social anxiety.
Same story with Prince.
---
YT "Social anxiety is a gift in disguise #shorts"
"They don't realize that they have a gift in disguise. They have very obsessive and creative minds but do everything to numb it down. However the problem is not your mind but what you do with it. Instead of self sabotage, use it to express creativity."
Absolutely correct!
If we decide to listen to faulty CBT and online social anxiety coaches - we will label our HSP factor as abnormality and hence cause personality disorder - since we will reject our mind and persona as sissy, weak, coward and abnormal.
However - there is on major missing element:
social anxiety is triggered by toxic people - rude, insensitive intrusive predatory personalities.
Someone who enjoys stigmatizing attacking and putting others down for personal enjoyment and hidden agenda to exploit others.
It is super easy when we can cut contact with narcissists - but in real life more often we won't be able to shut down communication with aggressive and mentally ill people who pretend to be sane by acting superior.
Like mobbing at job which we cannot quit, family members, third parties like children or elderly whom we cannot leave to abusers, or contract, papers security shelter (Maslow needs) which we cannot break and leave easily without plan, project and money saving- then we are forced to be with toxic people who are nitpicking our mistakes and errors and create drama out of nothing.
That is why social anxiety is called social+anxiety -it has social element, external to us. It is not called self anxiety.
What you are talking about is neurodiversity - that we shift our external locus of control into intrinsic locus of control and that is great and healthy approach.
However - this does not explain toxic people who are constantly criticizing us, neither it explains Complex Trauma which hovers above social anxiety as mothership.
Complex trauma means social anxiety is also RSD - and we need to learn more about Rejection sensitivity in order to successfully break trauma bonding and ties with other people which appear on the surface as codependency
Toxic society will criticize and attack and try to destroy our ideas, innovative mind - and that is why we need to learn about narcissistic abuse, how to recognize borderliners and other Cluster B monsters, how to handle them and how to cut ties and minimize contact with them in case when we cannot leave and exit.
---
YT "Destroy SOCIAL ANXIETY, Once and For All #shorts"
Social anxiety is not issue of looking for sex or greed.
That is narcissism.
Social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation - and it cannot be destroyed. Since social anxiety is caused by toxic people- that is why it is called social anxiety - there is social element, it is not called self anxiety.
If we destroy our reactions to abnormal people - and label it as sissy and if we only see genitalia and money as the only purpose in life - we will end up with borderliner Cluster B monsters - since we will ignore red flags -
they will poop then in our bed, make fake trial court where we will be labeled as rapist and our movie career will be destroyed - all because our only goal in life were genitalia and greed and feeling high all the time, where uncomfortable emotions are perceived as sissy and weak.
All emotions are valid - they are clues that we are in toxic ambient and that there are toxic people around us and that genitalia obsession and greed is narcissism and abnormality - where our locus of control would be intrinsic values - not 24/7 orgasm and addictions.
We must pay our bills and work with crazy abnormal rude people - we can't have sex all the time and parasite our life away on seeking discounts and freebies -
we were meant to produce and create and express self.
---
YT "Confidence doesn't come overnight #confidence #socialanxiety #anxiety"
Confidence will not come if we don't have money - low Maslow needs.
Confidence won't help with criticism and negative evaluation, when someone nitpicks our mistakes and present it as hysteria and catastrophe.
Confidence won't help in dealing with mentally ill borderliners and other cluster be narcissists who are devoted in hurting other people and exploiting them.
In fact, confidence will obfuscate reality and make us stuck with someone who poops in our bed and plans to rise false accusation that we are rapist.
---
YT"When is the best place to start working on social anxiety? ...NOW #anxiety #socialanxiety
"
Socially confident will not solve our problems.
It will not help with someone who is parasitical and predatory but present to us as friend or romantic partner.
Social confidence preoccupation is related to shyness only.
Social anxiety is issue related to exposure to mobbing, abuse, narcissistic abuse where we cannot runaway, cut contact or exit - and confidence will not help with true social anxiety triggers like those.
---
YT "Your thoughts are NOT facts #anxious #anxiety #mentalhealth
"
Ok, this is inner critic - we need to doubt it. That goes without saying.
But..what happens when we are in contact with some person who is putting us down?
And we cannot leave, exit nor run away.
What then?
Socially anxious people do not know how to handle process not interpret toxic people - due to exposure to narcissistic abuse which caused social anxiety in the first place.
---
YT "3 steps to social confidence? I'm in! #socialanxiety #anxiety
"
Social confidence will make us blind to recognize toxic people - and then we will stay stuck with them. They will poop in our bed, end they will accuse us of being a rapist and then try to steal our savings through false trials. This will happen when we force our brain to be confident all the time - and not actually see reality and problems and issues which are really happening around us.
It is not healthy to wear pink glasses all the time.
Inability to discern reality leads to narcissism, delusion and schizophrenia.
--
YT "CBT therapy episode 1: About Social Anxiety
"
CBT is faulty therapy - it is therapy of ableism.
It is therapy which labels neurodiversity as sickness and illness. Something to reject and suppress - while suppressing emotions leads to mental illness. Then CBT is actually creating personality disorders. Rosenham experiment showed that there is no difference between mentally ill and healthy.
CBT uses limited psychological vocabulary to label complex human issues.
CBT is product of Trump like narcissists in managerial seats who are making pharma mafia rich by parasiting over human neurosis.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology - which is Client orientated.
Social phobia was renamed in mid 1990s because CBT "experts" realized that social anxiety does not go away with exposure - as all phobias are cured with exposure to feared element. This is the first clue that CBT is doing psychological damage by hypo-cognition and hyper-cognition (quickly labeling events and people as disorder and sickness to cure).
CBT is like Ludovico Technique from Clockwork orange - brainwashing technique.
CBT was based as short term therapy - to be used for criminally insane and suicidal patients to calm them down. It is not meant as long term therapy since it thwarts reality and based on cognitive distortions.
Social anxiety is connected to exposure to relentless criticism 24/7 while growing up (narcissistic abuse) - and we can test this trauma from childhood with ACE test available online - free, quick without logging. But CBT bans information about complex trauma (while WHO's ICD 11 recognized complex PSTD as real concept - cptsd is not the same as PTSD).
CBT bans trauma since it makes us believe we are mentally ill for being abused. That toxic people do not exist and that we are hallucinating abuse and that we can control other people with our mind - through ABC method - which actually leads to schizophrenia. We cannot control other people, this is cognitive distortion fallacy.
Shyness and social anxiety is not the same. They overlap but there is a difference.
Shyness is trait, social anxiety is effect of trauma and exposure to abuse.
CBT labels exposure to toxic people as negative thoughts. This way it fuses someone's abuse with our mind. This is extremely dangerous and highly damaging psychologically. Other people abuse because they are pathological - it has nothing to do with our reactions to trauma and abuse.
Instead of blaming narcissists and their abuse - CBT blames and pathologizes our reactions to sociopaths.
CBT tells us that our reactions to abuse are cowardice and that we are weak and sissy and that we must be brave and strong - which is horrible explanation how to handle abuse.
CBT is instructing us to self pathologize ourselves and blame ourselves for being target of bullies and psyhopaths.
CBT explains away depression as sickness and something to treat while in reality depression is sign we live in reality and we see abuse and toxic people and this makes us depressed:
"What is the theory of depressive realism?
Depressive realism is a hypothesis that claims that people with depression have a more accurate assessment of certain situations than those who do not have depression."
CBT bans information about trauma - so we never learn about polyvagal theory, ventral vagal, self regulation or RSD.
When we make list of our fears - this will make us more scared and be aware of more things to be afraid and feel toxic shame and incompetent.
CBT does not explain neurodiversity and divergent thinking - instead it labels our thinking process as abnormal and something to destroy.
---
We won't handle toxic people with exposure.
We will end up fawning to them and being pushover - since social anxiety stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse and we never learned how to process toxic people and toxic situations.
---
Social anxiety is not only inner critic which stems from critical parenting. It is also social, that is why it is called social+anxiety, it has social element,
external factor.
How we handle people who are critical and nagging and complaining all the time?
We will tend to think about it later on - about toxic people who embarrassed us and who nitpicked our mistakes?
Shall we repress it?
Will we learn from our mistakes and try to be perfect?
Is being perfect normal and healthy or OCD illness?
Social anxiety is trauma.
It has nothing to do with confidence. Confidence is shyness issue - and shy people quickly adapt.
Socially anxious have trauma and Rejection sensitivity. This is something which will not go on its own or through logic nor through Deficiency motivation.
---
When we explain to ourselves that we have anxiety as disease which must go away and be destroyed - we will create narcissism and severe mental illness.
All emotions are valid.
When we explain to ourselves that our current way of thinking is abnormal, weird - this is toxic shame, self blame, victim shaming, self pathologizing and it leads to personality disorder.
We were traumatized, anxiety we feel is reaction to abnormal mentally ill people around us who pretend to be sane by yelling and screaming and criticizing and blaming others around.
---
All emotions are valid.
IF we feel uncomfortable emotions - this is signal that something is wrong. Usually it is toxic people around us who are criticizing our mistakes in order to control and exploit us,
If we decide to ignore bad negative difficult emotions - we will become people pleaser, pushover - since we won't have clarity or enough data to realize who is toxic and whom we must cut off from our lives.
---
If we decide that our Divergent mindset is abnormal and that we must conform to groupthink Convergent thinking style - we will develop deep toxic shame and personality disorder - since we will block ourselves from being authentic, honest and true.
---
So instead of embracing your HSP Divergent mindset - you decided to follow the herd mentality and conformism? Bad choice.
This is the same as if you stifle down your bisexuality and pretend you were str8. Urges are normal and healthy, there is no abnormality as long as you don't hurt anyone.
Following the herd is not healthy and it can lead to nazism. Check out Asch Conformity Line Experiment and Milgram experiment.
When you stifle down your natural gifts, you are pruning yourself too short for fruit to bear.
---
Mental health is not gym.
If you feel like you must be practicing and commit yourself to be "healthy" - that is a sign that something is not right. There is some underlying issue like trauma that is triggering panic and uncomfortable feelings and emotions and thoughts.
If we feel criticizing as hurtful - this is RSD - and it is after.-effect of being exposed to constant criticizing while growing up 24/7- this is not sickness, this is reaction to trauma.
On the other hand,
If we are HSP, if we have Divergent mindset - we will tend to overthink - this is not sickness nor trauma nor anything to stifle down or destroy - it is gift. Like Nikola Tesla - we will have chance to do something with our ideas and thoughts and ability to feel things deeply.
Suppressing trauma and stifling down emotions is not mental health.
---
Any routine as reaction to anxiety leads to OCD.
Why not think this way:
how other people who do not have social anxiety - how they act, react, talk, walk - how they handle life?
If we come to think about it - we have neurodiversity - we have Divergent mindset thinking style and it is different than Convergent thinking.
If we decide to prune ourselves off by rigid mindset - we will develop more anxiety, more toxic shame, more disorder, we will create personality disorder - since we will label our brain as sick and dysfunctional - while it is not.
---
Social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
CBT convergent dysfunctional idea of "exposure" does not explain what happens when we really do meet someone who is aggressive, violent, criticizing us, nagging, complaining, nitpicking our mistakes, blames us, makes fun of our flaws and first time mistakes.
What then?
---
YT "Best way to overcome social anxiety
"
This is shyness. This is not social anxiety.
Shyness is obsessed with talking and confidence as the only things in the Universe.
Social anxiety is trauma and exposure to narcissistic abuse, mobbing and bullying when we cannot escape it and must endure daily torture and complaining and blaming and hurt and pain of verbal abuse. That is social anxiety. It has nothing to do with small chat - it is about someone mentally ill like narcissists or borderline who is aggressive and violent and abusive to us - and we cannot run away. That is social anxiety.
Talking to old lady in supermarket is Lifetime movie.
Abuse and toxic people are real life.
---
Education is the key.
Without education other people will explain us reality and we will be their slaves and we will unconsciously think and behave as if they are our gods.
---
(11.4.2023)
YT "Panic Attacks: The Thoughts That SABOTAGE You | Dr. Rami Nader
"
In toxic ambient it doesn't go away since panic is triggered by toxic people and CBT nonsense. Then corrupt medical industry will make money on human neurosis and blame you for being lazy, adding up more panic on top of the existent, while you spend more money on "advice".
---
YT "Panic Attacks: The Thoughts That SABOTAGE You | Dr. Rami Nader
"
Horrible CBT information which explains that we blame ourselves for being abused.
Being abused is nor normal. Experiencing mobbing will not change if we change our thinking - neutrality will make it worse.
Being bullied has nothing to do with our thinking.
If panic stems from the inside - 1) more people would experience it 2) it would spread to full paranoia and delusions 3) we would never be able to control it anyway - since it is biological and genetical.
Panic stems from term Charcot Hysteria - which was studied 100 years ago but CBT cannot make money on trauma and explaining trauma - since then nobody would ask for medicine, drugs and endless therapies.
CBT is therapy of ableism which labels Divergent thinking as sickness and abnormality and explains away toxic people as non existent. CBT must be banned.
Catastrophic thinking are learned and conditioned in strict ambient during childhood, exposure to relentless criticism.
This can be easily tested online - without login required - via ACE test. This information is hidden by CBT due to making profit on human neurosis and misdiagnosis.
---
(11.4.2023)
YT "Should you do an uncomfortable challenge today? #socialanxiety #anxiety"
Challenges will not help with neither of the following social anxiety issues:
- intrusive people
- intrusive thoughts (PureOCD)
- rumination, post-mortem analysis
- physical symptoms
- catastrophizing
- rejection sensitivity wound
- toxic shame
- external locus of control
- trauma bonding
- inferiority complex
- Complex trauma
- dysregulation
- poverty
- toxic ambient
- fawning
- triggers, flashbacks
- hypervigilance
- obligations
- ego defense mechanisms
- tyrannical self talk
- Charcot hysteria
- toxic people
- codependency
- need to fix
- double binds
- social constructs
---
YT "Experience is valuable, especially for social anxiety. There is no failing, only learning #anxiety"
Skills will only make our social anxiety functional.
Intrusive thoughts will still be there - because social anxiety is trauma issue.
Toxic people will also still be toxic no matter how skillful we are in talking.
---
ADHD experience Rejection Sensitivity due to ableism and constant nitpicking and blaming and mocking their symptoms and constantly correcting them.
CBT is part of ableism and contributes to culture of shaming anything that appears "abnormal" and as "disorder".
---
"unfairness"
Yep.
It is like we try to be perfect and avoid mistakes and there will always be someone nervous and without empathy who will demand total perfection and nitpick our mistakes as if we are carefree and as if we haven't done humanly impossible to keep ward off from mistakes happening, portraying us as lazy or incompetent.
---
(12.4.2023)
YT "What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? Why is it specific to people with ADHD?"
"People aren't judging every single thing that you do"
Until we live in toxic shame culture country where being intrusive is lifestyle.
Quote from local news:
Young American explained why she left Croatia:
"In Croatia people constantly express intrusive opinion about matters which are none of their business. The most irritating things were rude people." (Kayleigh)
Kayleigh talked about how other people commented what she ate or what she wear. And yeah - this is done in primitive ambient where particular social construct norm is perceived as strength while anything different is perceived as sickness that must be destroyed or at least discriminated harshly in any kind of way. Like wearing black and gray is ok, while wearing any other color is perceived as abnormality and mental illness that must be severely punished with bullying and mocking. This happens to clothes - you can imagine what happens with other areas in life like sex or physical features or behavior like being silent and kind and nice or god forbid sensitive and intelligent.
Those who have ADHD are constantly criticized and corrected - that caused RSD in the first place.
Those who were traumatized in childhood with constant criticism all the time 24/7 - will develop RSD and social anxiety in adulthood without ever noticing it stems from exposure to nitpicking since it feels natural that someone is complaining to us and finding faults and our flaws.
Those who underwent narcissistic abuse as kids or adults will develop some level of Rejection sensitivity.
HSPs will pick up criticism also.
Abuse is choice - toxic people choose to nitpick and criticize others.
Machiavellians use criticizing and blaming to control other people. Dark triad, psychopaths and sociopaths too.
Nice kind healthy people will not blame others, they will not mock others, they will not bully others. Sick toxic people do this and they mask it as being "social" "honest", strong masculine alpha etc.
Coming from social anxiety - CBT is therapy of ableism, it is horrible faulty therapy that is producing RSD, not helping it. It is Ludovico Technique from Clockwork Orange.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology which actually works since it is based on validation and acceptance rather than labeling neurodivergent and divergent mindset as abnormality and disorder.
---
Plot twist is that when we distrust ourselves and our perceptions - we will develop personality disorder and create toxic shame (deep self hatred and self distrust) and we will create external referencing (believing other people are superior, better, more competent than us) - and this will create black hole which sucks away any kind of self worth that rises within us, keeping us trapped in zombie state of trauma bonding and endless complex trauma.
We need to trust and accept our feelings -
if we feel everyone is hating us - there is high chances that they do. Most people do hate others because they have some degree of RSD inside them, as explained in the video - they simply learned how to regulate themselves - by hating other people covertly and not expressing it openly but through passive aggression - which we pick up easily since we grew up in such environment.
CBT will never explain it like that - and this way CBT is keeping us trapped in sickness and misery since CBT is narcissistic abuse of medical industry - created for Pharma mafia making money on our trauma - which CBT is not recognizing.
When we accept our feelings - we can do some major projects in the right direction.
1) we can become Sherlock Holmes and Scientists in a laboratory - where we can learn about how to recognize covert narcissists, learn red flags, how to detect Dark Triad, learn dark psychology, seek Sam Vaknin videos where he describes narcissism in great detail or Doctor Ramani or Doctor Snipes or HealthyGamer - all free information available at You tube
2) we can learn how to respond, retort and advocate in relation to toxic people in healthy and proper manner withou hysteria
3) we can make major life changes like changing our lifestyle and job and perhaps even relocation.
Hint: google image iconographic of "Shame culture countries" and map of "Trust in other people of particular country"
4) we can learn about psychology and philosophy in order to understand some basic concepts which are hidden in popular media - such as Egocentrism, Dualism, Double bind, Descartes' Evil Demon hypothesis, Emotional regulation, Ego defense mechanisms etc I collect such concepts in my Psychology and Philosophy videos.
---
"I think the thing that bothers me the most about RSD is that people believe that like “you’re just being sensitive” and that you just grow out of being like that? "
Yep! And CBT explains it away also like it is a matter of courage and being strong. This way CBT is equating our trauma with our personality - as if we are weak and sissy and abnormal for being abused and traumatized and that it is something which can be changed through Deficiency motivation. That is why CBT must be banned, it is adding up to trauma and it is re-traumatizing us.
Toxic society is like CBT - it is explaining rejection sensitivity as being sissy and weak while being rude and loud and intrusive is explained away as "strength" macho, alpha, healthy and something that brings money, profit, success and fame. Which of course is not true - toxic people are parasiting on nice kind scared traumatized people - and that is the only secret of their profit and success.
Once traumatized people become educated about Rejection sensitivity - they will quit toxic people and narcissism will be destroyed - once it is not supported by uneducated traumatized people like us.
---
YT "3 Strategies to Manage Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria"
RSD is not only ADHD.
In 1989 I was rejected, mocked and bullied by kids in front of my place, kids whom I played with without any antagonism before. Since that happened I believed that they hate me - and I isolated myself from that day onwards. They attacked me out of blue, cursed me, label me as sissy, turn their backs and leave me alone - so I did not hallucinate their hatred. They did not talk to me again or made any kind of contact, I was isolated collectively.
Before this I did not believe that they hate me. I was not having thoughts of social anxiety nor shyness. I was initiating games and going out, I was not antagonistic and I always supported diplomacy and was scared of other kids initiating random fights and tried to calm them down if they started anything like that. In grammar school since 4th grade I was labeled by other make kids as sissy and laughed for my voice that I talk like girl or have socks that are feminine, wearing certain colors that are labeled as sissy, and mocked for being sissy, ignored when playing sports and laughed for not being good in playing soccer and basketball - so this hatred also was not hallucination. It was abuse and discrimination by group, it was real hatred.
Why hatred and narcissism is so much ignored and victims and targets of abuse are always automatically blamed for being abused and explained as hallucination?
So social anxiety is RSD, too : exposure to narcissistic abuse, bullying, mobbing: constant criticizing and nitpicking our flaws and mistakes.
---
YT "Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) and Social Anxiety Symptoms"
Confirmation bias is real phenomena and Availability heuristics too.
I have been following "social anxiety" key word seeking it and watching it and learning it and writing notes down on You tube every Monday from 2015 - and I never ever saw nor detecting this video where RSD is mentioned, especially in any relation to Social anxiety - while I learned about RSD only a month ago thanks to Doctor Snipes video(s).
So this concept over-passed me. I have my blog where I try to describe social anxiety in detail for the past 3 years - I have been extracting difficult to describe social anxiety hidden faucets since faulty CBT explains social anxiety away as shyness and mere hallucination.
Then RSD steps in - and RSD described social anxiety in what is extremely hard way to pick and point to when we are not aware of RSD information. CBT is the one that ought to explain it - but it doesn't because CBT is therapy of ableism and pharma mafia making money on our neurosis by banning information about trauma and neurodiversity, so that we never learn helpful concepts. There is much more corporate corrupt profit in labeling and stigmatizing our trauma as weakness and personal choice.
When I learned about RSD - now I have more control in regulation. When I start to feel panic and scared and feeling wronged - I remind myself this is RSD and Now I can much easily shift my focus instead of being stuck in rumination, self blame, toxic shame and pure OCD worry loop - as CBT is instructing us to self blame and self pathologize ourselves endlessly.
With Complex trauma information I learned 2 years ago that exposure to criticism leads to trauma: exposed to someone who nitpicks our errors, flaws and lack of knowledge and experience - ALL the time, 24/7 - this will cause trauma and rejection sensitivity a I learned only recently about RSD, thanks to Doctor Snipes and HealthyGamer video(s).
This tells us that the correct information can help us and free us from fears and panic and worry - while wrong CBT like information can keep us trapped in anxiety and trauma and constant dysregulation. CBT like information will equate our reactions to abuse as personal fault and personality flaw - which leads to toxic shame (deep seated self hatred and catastrophizing).
RSD is not hallucination. Narcissistic abuse is real. There are toxic people who are covert and appear as friends only to harm other people. There are psychopaths who learned to control and manipulate other people by stigmatizing and blaming others - while we are taught by CBT to label our fears as hallucination and that toxic people do not exist. Then we end up with abnormal criminally insane such as Trump or Putin being president.
We were raised in toxic ambient of constant criticism - and now we have a gift to detect hostilities and passive aggression extremely easily. Other people will never admit that they hate or that they are hostile - they want to be admired by others, like any other narcissists.
---
It is important to note that desire for justice and moral and ethical standards are not sickness.
Also - there are toxic people - we are not hallucinating them.
If we start to adopt CBT instruction that our thoughts are sick and abnormal - we will create toxic shame and personality disorder.
We can actually form and express our desire for justice without hysteria and dysregulation, we can do it in proper and healthy and sane manner.
---
Mindfulness leads to anxiety because we will become aware of toxic people, toxic ambient and injustice:
---
This is false statement.
Google it and you will see that you are talking nonsense. RSD is not tied to ADHD. The creator of RSD concept said himself that RSD is not tied to ADHD only.
ADHD feels RSD because ADHDs are exposed to criticism and nitpicking and blaming all the time - and unlike socially anxious, ADHD cannot stop. Socially anxious stop and repress their emotions and divergent thinking and prune themselves off in order to crap fit into narcissistic society and toxic ambient, while ADHDs cannot - due to brain. Then RSD appears openly in ADHD, while socially anxious must seek and devote 10 or 20 years of seeking information to learn about RSD.
---
Your comment and her ignoring is proof that she has no idea how to handle criticism,
it is like blind leading the blind.
This is also good example how CBT is damaging.
CBT instructs us that we label our reaction to criticism as hallucination and to ignore it or to fawn to the critic. This way we do not evolve our own critical thinking, we do not learn from our mistakes or errors - instead we are instructed by CBT to obfuscate, cover up and ignore input and feedback. The result - we appear as morons and autistic, closed in our own invented fantasy world where we do not interact with other people - highly dysfunctional.
---
YT "Struggling With Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and ADHD? (YOU'RE NOT ALONE!) | HIDDEN ADHD"
I am not sure that self blame and destroying our divergent mindset is correct approach.
If Nikola Tesla was brainwashed and hypnotized not to like flash storms and pigeons, we would never have electricity or wi-fi today.
CBT is therapy of ableism and stigmatizing anything which deviates from social constructs which can lead to fascism.
---
People pleasing is connected to our Agreeableness and Openness - which are both personality traits (Big 5).
If we decide to destroy our basic self persona - we will develop personality disorder and deep seated toxic shame (self hatred and rancour). That is why CBT must be banned - since it creates mental illness because it equates our reactions to abuse to our character trait.
Problem with people pleasing are toxic people who use our ability to connect with other people by fawning to them.
We can never make friends if we are not agreeable at some point, of form any meaningful abuse-free romantic contact with someone.
Pathology is when we are serial killers and without empathy - that is sickness and only abnormality. Fawning is trauma response, it is not sickness.
---
Not always.
Sometimes people are toxic, unfair and exploitative and have hidden agenda.
Sometimes we are not over-reacting at all - we react just right to abnormal people around us.
Idea that we self blame and self pathologize ourselves is product of CBT which is making money on our neurosis and exposure to mobbing, abuse and bullying - where our reactions are somehow problem, but Cluster B monsters are not in the focus at all.
---
Narcissists also have extreme reaction to criticism - but their reaction stems from their fantasy world and delusions,
while those who were traumatized and abused by narcissists will feel RSD due to trauma, exposure to narcissistic abuse so it is not based on hallucination.
Big difference.
It needs to be explained and explored and differentiated.
When we are criticized all the time in our formative years - we will develop social anxiety aka RSD. We will try no to make mistake - and when someone nitpicks our errors we will feel triggers which we were conditioned while growing up, when our persons was suppose to grow in validation and safe environment but got nag and complains 24/7 relentlessly.
We can become Sherlock Holmes and scientist in laboratory and seek clues and see when someone is manipulative, rude, intrusive - and when we are being triggered and have flashbacks.
If we label someone abusive as our hallucination we will allow abusive person to continue their pathological abuse and their covert mental illness abnormality, we will give them green light to continue with abuse by our neutrality and silence and self-pathology approach.
I do not like this CBT meddling into RSD. CBT is therapy of ableism which ignores narcissistic abuse and places all the blame on victims and targets of abuse.
Toxic people do exist, there are criminally insane people who mimic being sane and appear "confident" and "strong" and "alpha" or whatever.
If we decide to rationalize someone's abuse as our hallucination - we will develop mental disorders due to stifling down our emotions and we will develop mental illness and personality disorder - because we will label our thoughts as abnormal and sickness.
Unless we are serial killers, there is nothing pathological inside us that is sickness.
---
Label "disorder" is ableism. That is why Psychiatry can be damaging to mental health - as Glasser wrote in his 2003 book.
The purpose of psychology is to help others to gain self worth and stand on their two feet with self esteem -
the point of psychology is not to blame someone who was abused and traumatized.
The point of psychology is not to stigmatize others.
Nor the goal of psychology is to create some kind of Nazi the uber-mensh race which has no disorder and divided away from the slave race who is having "disorders".
---
There is a big difference in BPD.
BPD live in delusion like narcissists, fantasy world then when reality hits, BPD expect other people to regulate their emotions and take responsibility for their delusional distorted views of reality.
Normal people do not control other people nor do they expect other people to nanny them into safety and security.
---
She is telling us false information. RSD is not diagnosis. It is not officially recognized by CBT nor DSM because trauma is banned by pharma mafia - making too much money from victims of abuse as it is.
Recognizing that toxic people can cause mental instability in others would place responsibility in corrupt structures such as medical community - and that would mean Machiavellians and psychopaths hidden in medical industry would shoot their own foot.
---
"I have big feels for this. I struggle with self hatred from repetitive failures due to inattentiveness."
inattentiveness?
How about toxic people who control other people by nitpicking other people's errors?
-
YT "The most painful symptom of ADHD (Rejection sensitivity dysphoria)"
Anger, emotional outbursts cause social anxiety in target of your anger and emotional outbursts, you hurt other people with your anger and your emotional mood swings and you cause RSD in others if prolonged. It is like spreading the viral disease.
---
YT "Mentalizing: A Way of Overcoming Rejection Sensitivity"
CBT is based on making us believe that social anxiety is hallucination and that toxic people do not exist.
CBT is build on ableism and NT enforcement where anything other than NT is labeled as disorder and abnormality to destroy.
---
YT "What is rejection sensitive dysphoria actually LIKE?"
There are toxic people out there who really do label certain aspects of ourselves as sickness abnormality to nitpick and criticize.
There are toxic people out there who demand everything to be perfect and nitpick our natural totally normal mistakes when we do something for the first time and when we are unable to be perfect and without mistakes.
--
YT "REJECTION SENSITIVE DYSPHORIA"
1) this is literally social anxiety explained to the core
2) there are toxic people who do nitpick our flaws or mistakes or perceived flaws and errors just to make them feel superior, they are toxic. There are toxic people out there who are full of hate and toxic behavior - it is not our imagination.
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YT "Is "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria" Real? (or is it really ADHD trauma?)"
RSD is caused by exposure to constant relentless criticism in formative years which we cannot perceive as emotional abuse - so we forget about it and cannot explain nor discern it, ADHD are exposed more to corrective discipline yet anyone exposed to narcissistic abuse will develop sensitivity to criticism.
Social anxiety is RSD to the core.
---
(13.4.2023)
YT "How to be "Assertive" as a Leader"
"Saying what's on your mind"
Then you get fired - and in poor country this presents a great problem. Abused women end up as Femicide statistic.
--
What if someone is abusive, pathological, pathological liar, manipulative and they express what they have with hidden agenda, criticize our mistakes so that they get us fired by magnifying our mistakes as catastrophe.
Is that healthy?
---
He does not explain what happens when Psychopaths, sociopaths, borderliners, narcissists use our information which we give volunteer it to them and use it against us later on?
What happens when Dark triad uses our desire to talk it out as endless antagonism and endless drama since they do not want things to be resolved - but they sadistically enjoy fights and arguments.
What then? Is it helpful and healthy to expose information to people who will use it as a tool to attack our vulnerable spots and drag us into Karpman Drama Triangle?
---
YT "How to Build Self-Confidence and Break Free from the Nice Guy Trap"
Prioritizing other needs is trauma response. It is called Fawning.
Idea that we label it as "weakness" and something disgusting to destroy leads to personality disorder and mental illness because our personality is created in interaction with other people and experiences with them.
This is not only pattern, it is trauma response - being exposed to narcissistic abuse by mentally ill people who are afraid of being pushover and who adopted mindset of not being pushover - so they created superiority complex which is masked inferiority complex.
If we say no at job - we will get fired from the job which can be huge problem if we live in a poor country.
Communicating assertively with psychopaths, sociopaths, malignant borderliners and narcissists leads to volunteering our personal data to predators who will use and take advantage of our vulnerabilities later on as blame and shame attack. Also with trying to resolve issues with predatory personalities we will end up being stuck in codependence and Karpman Drama Triangle.
Our relationship will also suffer if we live in toxic ambient, toxic shame culture country where being intrusive is lifestyle and where being narcissists and psychopath is seen as being competent and strong.
If we decide to label our rection to trauma and abusive people as sickness and abnormality which is causing all bad things in life - will lead to personality disorder and mental illness.
In order to make any kind of contact and keep job and have romantic interest - being arrogant and abusive will destroy any healthy contact and we will attract corrupt mentally ill people around us.
opposite of External validation is intrinsic locus of control - and internal validation is not equal to blaming our trauma and our responses and defense mechanisms as abnormality and sickness. In fact - this decision to self blame and self shame and self pathologize ourselves will lead to trauma bonding, codependency and external referencing and toxic shame (deep seated self hatred).
Unless we are serial killers - there is no pathology inside us, nothing to fix or nitpick. Idea to self validate and accept ourselves means to stick with our Jung Shadow which is fawning to abusers in times when we were to poor to run away.
---
YT "Trauma Related Symptoms Hypervigilance and Exaggerated Startle Response"
" I want you to know I know how to make friends I know how to talk to women and ask for dates I don’t need your video about secure attachments"
The point of psychology is that you become your own advice giver. Your personal situation is excellent example why is that the case. Psychology cannot answer what you must do in your life - since there are too many variables which are highly individual and personal and different than the "most" people experience in their lives.
Obviously if you live somewhere isolated and if this is toxic ambient, filled with toxic shame culture mindset - you need to be aware of what is going on, how not to caught toxic mindset yourself and how to keep up emotional regulation and moral and ethical standards in check.
The only solution is to accumulate the knowledge, to learn, to educate yourself - and then decide for yourself what is the most rational, best solution to particular problems you face.
With this being said - from my own experience being trapped in toxic ambient - it is the only solution viable for me - is to collect money and relocate. Easier said than done - since in the meantime I learned that social anxiety issues which I struggle with ever since bullying events in childhood - is that I also have Rejection sensitivity issues - it is like toxic ambient in the external being places inside my mind - with constant nitpicking, criticizing and put downs by inner critic, I call it Devil on the Shoulder.
As I learned about Humanistic psychology - it is clear that we need to build trust on ourselves - that we make our own goals in life, make our own decisions - along with mistakes and bad decisions and take responsibility for them, instead of waiting for other people to tell me what I need to do in my life.
When we give someone advice what to do in life two extremely devastating things happen:
1) we take away their freedom
2) we fill them with toxic shame (deep self hatred of feeling incompetent) and external referencing locus of control (where other people are seen as gods while we are inferior slaves who must obey other people explanations and perceptions blindly without criticism or any kind of doubt).
With accumulated knowledge and education in the right direction - where we devote learning in areas which are causing problem and where we have inner wounds - we can build up common sense and inner strength to rely on our superEgo (our own sets of moral and ethical standards) to make decisions in life for us and give ourselves advice and focus where to go in life and how to resolve issues we face.
---
YT "Emotional Intelligence and Emotion Regulation | Counselor Education Webinar"
Accepting validating feeling scared would be to accept the message what fear is trying to say - instead of trying to stifle it down or ignore it.
We are being told by most people to label fear as sickness, to ignore it, to fight it, to pretend to be strong, to be ashamed for feeling panic and vagueness, that we must feel happy and chirpy all the time. To do the opposite of fear - which is hard when we do not have money to obfuscate it to numb it down.
It seems reasonable to know my goals instead of being governed by reactions to fear even when it seems like being strong is goal on its own - nope, it is reaction to fear and letting fear to be god - even paradoxically/ironically through negating it.
What I personally struggle with the most is other people's anger - which I labeled (was told that it is) as social anxiety.
Now after many years and thanks to internet and education about it - I know more - that it is connected to Complex Trauma and Rejection Sensitivity.
RSD helped me to learn and educate myself more about ADHD which I never had contact with or any reason to study it.
However yesterday I watched series of videos about RSD where ADHD is dominant issue connected to rejection sensitivity - and I actually learned unknown side of anger of other people - that otherwise I would never learn via regular sources such as social anxiety videos and books. I learned that people who are rude, angry, violent, aggressive, intrusive and hurtful and harmful - are not always narcissists and psychopaths - which confused me, since Dark Triad are not so widespread.
Many of those who are angry and hurtful - have ADHD where their brain is too sensitive to anything different and they learned to react to snap to other people. Without this information I would explain away someone's anger as psychopathy and narcissism - where I am victim and I can't do anything about it except being hypervigilant and anxious and spending time and focus on observing someone who is criminally insane - which is exhausting state to be in all the time, social anxiety in short.
With ADHD mood swings - now I can explain someone's anger as something I can totally ignore and not feel responsible for that will harm me if I do not do something like retort to it and know quick wit how to address the attack which I was explained before as narcissistic abuse.
I was told before that I ignore angry people and someone who is rude - but I could not cut the trauma bond - since I did not know that someone is angry just because of lack of social skills - and that they are not really dangerous and they can't harm me - as narcissists and psychopaths would.
---
YT "How to Achieve Anything | Philosophy of Aristotle"
Things that are missing from Aristotelean Boolean black&white approach as usual is fuzzy logic such as factors which are the real life issues:
1) External factor: corrupt state, poor state which blocks and sabotages our actions and or toxic people who are devoted in attacking and destroying us through backstabbing, open attack, court, physical attack, verbal abuse.
2) Internal factor: Rejection sensitivity, trauma which blocks and self sabotages our actions
Without making aware of these hidden factors, it is like moving in dark room and then bumping into random objects without knowing what is hurting us.
Since unknown factors are away from our awareness, we will label our blockages are personal fault, self blame and stigmatize ourselves as lazy, stupid, abnormal or weak and society will join into hysteria of self blame.
---
YT "What causes Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in AUTISM and ADHD"
This is social anxiety. Social anxiety is misdiagnosis, CBT explains social anxiety as hallucination and cognitive distortion - adding more or invalidation and rejection and self pathology. CBT must be banned, it is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone suffering from social anxiety, by giving wrong explanations and wrong therapy (to label trauma and exposure to toxic society as weakness and sickness).
---
(14.4.2023)
In toxic ambient - the repressor and tyrants will simply turn their back and walk away.
We need to face reality that repression is real and we cannot do much about it.
If we decide to nitpick our persona, decide to change our persona in order to crap fit into abuse - we will create personality disorder and deep toxic shame, trauma and ptsd - since we will make ourselves believe we can control mentally ill people, psychopaths and abusers. WE can't.
Nothing we can do, think or say can change or influence the criminally insane.
If we believe we can - we will end up with toxic guilt, hypervigilance, OCD and mental illness.
---
YT "how to set boundaries (saying no)"
In psychology this is called Fawning and it is conditioning, hypnosis, the result of Complex trauma, exposure to untreated unrecognized mentally ill person while we grow up, in formative years we were been exposed to narcissistic abuse - and we were programmed to people please and be pushover.
So - this is not something that can be changed at logic or press of a button or talk or talking about it.
It is RSD, rejection sensitivity -and there is no cure for it, it is permanent.
Another issue is Agreeableness - which is Personality trait. This means - it is not sickness to care about other people, it is not pathology. It would be pathology if we were not caring about other people. If we decide to nitpick our persona of being agreeable - we will develop personality disorder, deep toxic shame - and this means more of people pleasing on top of the normal levels because we won't know who we are inside and whom we can rely on - we will see other people as gods and seek approval from them, since we will hate ourselves for being nice, kind and open and friendly -- which is insane. It is ok and normal to care for other people.
True and only problem are toxic people - their abuse and their stubbornness not to people please. Allegory of long spoons tells us that the difference between heaven and hell is how we treat each other.
Becoming Trump or Putin will not make us strong, alpha, courageous - we will become scum and criminally insane psychopaths.
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YT "How To Set A Boundary"
Actually I love this.
I criticize a lot La PEra over Twitter, but tweets over there are not saying this what is being said in this video.
Over twitter she claims that people pleasing is sickness and that we must hate ourselves for being pushover, that it is our choice and that we must nitpick our personality - which only leads to personality disorder.
What is being said in this video - is the correct approach. This is it. This is 100 percent correct approach how to handle difficult narcissistic people - that we do not blame ourselves and that we do not engage in fights with untreated mentally ill people. We do not stay silent to them and we do not change anything inside us - but confirm and affirm ourselves as person and their Cluster B prison mindset in the same time.
I have no idea why twitter is not aligned with you tube?
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She will never change, she is trapped in Cluster B insanity.
We need to figure out how to express our opinion without hysteria or silence and fawning, how to ignore their hysteria in the same time - and how to come up with our own ideas and enforce them when we know they are healthy and correct and needed. This cannot be taught by anyone - we can only get general instructions and try to make it in real life - with a lot of mistakes, setbacks and triggers and when it seems we cannot do it.
Psychology needs to provide us general directions, explain us the ambient and objects - and it is up to us to use all information and data in order to make healthy decisions in life.
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I have been seeking information about social anxiety since 1989 when there was no word for it.
Thanks to Doctor Snipes a mere month ago I discovered that this social anxiety (result of being exposed to hysterical authority figures while growing up when our persona was forming and suppose to be validated and safe) is actually called Rejection Sensitivity, that a lot of Autistic and ADHD people suffer because they are exposed to hysteria and criticizing all the time for all of their lives - for not meeting societal norms:
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Meh! I had a spout over Twitter with La Pera for past month. This video is reconciliation.
Over Twitter she claimed that people pleasing is sickness and we must change ourselves and be hysterical to hysterical people - while I tried to explain that people pleasing is not characteristic personality trait, it is conditioning, a reflex, and if we decide to label it as characteristic persona - we will create personality disorder. As CBT instructs us to label trauma and exposure to abuse as personality disorder and cognitive distortion.
In this video she confirms my arguments and facts: that our only job is to validate ourselves, without nitpicking or changing or modulating anything inside our Divergent mind.
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In reality - there is nothing that we learn about boundaries. It is more to express ourselves, express our opinion, talk and be talkative, that we do not self censor the truth, the core truth inside us - which we are conditioned to hide and destroy and never express. There is no boundary as a tool or as a karate kid technique or to spend money focus and energy on trying to change some supposed broken or twister or abnormal parts inside us (which would only lead to personality disorder - and as we are falsely taught by CBT instructions to merely blame ourselves for being weak and sissy - while in reality we are conditioned and programmed to shut up and never express ourselves).
Having boundary is simply being honest, authentic and objective and stating facts - without hysteria, without screaming, without drama - and this includes being silent after we said our bit, without engaging in endless Karpman Drama Triangle assertations and affirmations which only fuel antagonistic Cluster B monsters and gives them narc supply which they adore and love to swim into.
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There is nothing to break. It is more about understanding, without changing anything inside us.
We are as adults formed as personality. IF we decide to suppress, destroy or nitpick parts of our persona - we will create personality disorder and mental illness.
Having fear when someone is abusive is natural, there is no pathology in this feelings, emotions, reactions, defense mechanisms.
Only pathology is to abuse other people and harm them.
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With the difference in marriage when there is a chance of femicide. Then we must fawn and please until we get money to run away or alert police if we live in civilized country where abuse is criminal act.
Another example is living in poor country and having toxic job - where being assertive would lead to loss of job. This both examples are called Unfavorable Power Dynamics.
HealthyGamer made video about this a month ago. When we are discriminated against and oppressed and when toxic system does not offer help or punishment for the criminally insane perpetrators - we have no other choice but to fawn until we have project and money to escape the toxic ambient.
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There is nothing to remember. It is about understanding that mentally ill people are non cooperative and that we must treat them like 2 years old instead of believing lies which they present as facts or reality.
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There is nothing to memorize. If you put on an act or play the role - you do not understand what is happening.
When you trust yourself as you are - you accept yourself, your thoughts, your present way of thinking - and you are honest and authentic - without changing anything inside you or pretending to be someone else.
The difference is in understanding that difficult people are mentally ill and that you cannot treat them like normal people - that means trusting them, you cannot trust mentally ill people. You do not hate them. You do not treat them as trash. You do not fight with them - they are mentally ill.
So - common sense will tell you how to handle and deal with someone who is cripple but pretends to be sane and normal.
You agree with what is normal - you ignore when they throw temper tantrums and not take it personally anymore since now you broke trauma bond with them - you do not see them as normal human beings anymore but someone who must be institutalized and spend the rest of their lives in mental institution. When you see reality as it is, you no longer will over react or be triggered by them. This takes practice.
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In psychology this is called Fawning.
CBT and DSM bans information about trauma because pharma mafia is making too much good profit from our neurosis and tries to suppress information about Complex Trauma - because when we know what is happening - there would be no need for narcissists hidden in medical industry who are nothing else but drug pushers and abusers.
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This is something you must come up with yourself. Each situation is different and specific.
Also - this is new approach which media and medical industry is unable to vocalize due to archaic CBT which is ableism and approach of self blame and self pathology.
It is about realizing that exposure to relentless criticism while we were growing up - we developed Rejection Sensitivity and we were programmed to shut up and fawn to anyone who is loud and aggressive.
Some people respond by becoming abusers. We chose to follow our heart and soul and we became "people pleasers" and pushovers - to align with our personality trait of being Agreeable and Open.
This is the very reason why there is no specific technique how to handle difficult antagonistic Cluster B monsters. Some narcissists are covert - and they will appear pleasant and nice - so if psychology instructs you to react to someone who is throwing temper tantrums - in the same time, like Trojan Horse - covert abusers will sneak in and destroy you from within without you ever noticing that person who is pooping in your bed is mentally ill malignant borderliner. Because they have focused empathy and appear good in public.
It is about accepting and validating yourself - it is about deep validation and understanding that there is nothing sick or abnormal inside you. Abusers will program us since childhood to believe that we are inept and incompetent by nitpicking our mistakes.
So basically - you do not have to change anything. It is not about learning karate kid fight MMA moves, it is not about learning faulty CBT approach of being "assertive":
It is only about accepting yourself and knowing deep down that mistakes are natural and normal and flaws are ok and errors are here to we learn from them and improve - not as a way to hate ourselves for having them - as we were been programmed to believe.
When you really get and understand this rejection sensitivity and accepting your mistakes - and that all our problems stem from being exposed to relentless criticism 24/7 over normal mistakes -
you will notice that you no longer need to protect yourself with defense mechanisms - and instead you can simply be yourself- honest, authentic, without need to overcompensate or revenge or prove something to someone who is not open to dialogue - and rely on your common sense how to react and handle and deal with mentally ill people who mimic being sane to society.
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Yeah, but central focus is that me cut trauma bonding and that we shift primary focus away from attention seeking mentally ill Cluster B monsters. That you perceive them as background noise - not as god like figure which we must obey at all cost.
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I actually got into argument with La Pera over Twitter because she annoyed me with her tweets where she stated that people pleasing is personality flaw and something to destroy while totally ignoring Cluster B monsters - as you said in your comment here.
In this video she is talking exactly what I tried to explain her at Twitter:
there is no focus anymore on abusers. We shift focus away from abusers - we do not look at them as gods anymore - and then react in natural way as we would to any other mentally ill person - being firm, without trusting them, without seeing them as responsible adults - but as cripples, invalids , someone who is angry because they are children trapped in adult bodies who cannot take care of themselves. Now when we deeply comprehend and see reality as such - we will stop blaming ourselves or try to communicate with them as adults (overexplaining in an attempt that we know that they have brain which is able to process given information).
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When we are abused since childhood - this correct information will seem extremely disconnected to us. Without information about Complex trauma (which corrupt medical industry bans due to pharma mafia) - we will see correct and healthy life choices as disconnected. In the end - this is the very reason why we never tried it. It does not feel good. It seems off and wrong. Education is the key, we need to get the correct source of information and then educate ourselves. With CBT we get wrong and distorted ableist information which are making us sick and stuck with sickness.
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Yep, we will attract toxic people because they easily sniff out our openness, kindness and tolerance of abusive behavior and exploit our wounds.
It's best that you cut contact with such person, they live in delusional world and they cannot comprehend psychology.
They will interpret what I said as attack on them, they will present themselves as victims, they are successful in manipulation, lying, pathological lying, coercive control and gaslighting.
Best approach is to cut all contact with them.
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YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria - The Enemy Within for Autistic People"
It is not only perceived.
Autistic people will be rejected by NT majority. ADHD too.
Traumatized ones who were exposed to relentless criticism while growing up - without having autism or ADHD will develop RSD.
RSD is connected to relentless correcting and discipline all the time - about things which are normal mistakes, normal usual errors, and specific behaviour to autism and ADHD will be noticed by NT majority and majority will abuse and try to destroy anything that looks different and abnormal to them. We are talking here about ableism.
So - it is not perceived. The judgment is real.
Of course - most people will never admit hatred or prejudice - they will instead blame you to be too sensitive and that you are hallucinating the abuse. They do this so in the eyes of others they are heroes and normal and strong - while you are constantly target to be scapegoated as easy target to mock, laugh and corrected. The judgement is real.
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YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria - The Enemy Within for Autistic People"
Ok, you described CBT approach of ableism and convergent thinking - where rejection is explained away as our hallucination.
Without going into argument that toxic people really do exist and that toxic shame culture countries will be intrusive as lifestyle and as macho and strong - let's go straight to the matter:
- what happens according to CBT when we do meet someone who is intrusive all the time?
- What happens when there are predatory personalities who attack others in order to mask their own ineptness?
- what happens when there is mobbing and abuse?
- when someone is pathological liar?
We (anyone struggling with RSD) won't know how to respond, how to process and how to interpret intrusive abusive people.
RSD has no cure. When you propagate CBT belief that we can cure something by nitpicking our mindset and to label our neurodivergent mind as abnormality - is invalidation itself.
CBT is part of abuse - it is causing RSD through invalidation and explanations that toxic people do not exist. CBT is ableist therapy and I have no idea how CBT protrudes itself into autism, ADHD?
CBT is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone seeking social anxiety - by explaining abuse as hallucination - now this corrupt medical industry pharma mafia is trying to abuse and invalidate neurodivergent mindset thinking as abnormality, something that is hallucination and perceived. It is not.
Toxic people are real.
With toxic people boundaries are useless and futile.
In real life - saying No will get us fired and hurt and harmed. Saying No to someone pathological will end up with them pooping in our bed and suing us for being rapist and trying to steal our money in court.
Instead of Saying No - there is actual Narcissistic abuse education - to learn Cluster B monsters and how to recognize red flags.
Instead of toxic people external factor - you are promoting CBT idea of self pathology and self blame and creating hence personality disorder. Instead of faulty pharma mafia CBT which is making money on our neurosis - there is Humanistic psychology which is based on validation and acceptance.
CBT does not see due to egocentrism and rigid mindset that we won't be able to set realistic goals nor to ground due to toxic shame - and exposure to relentless criticism while growing up - which caused RSD in the first place.
Social anxiety is RSD and CBT is ignoring information about Complex Trauma and RSD because pharma mafia is making money on human neurosis. CBT must be banned - it is part of psychological abuse by narcissists and psychopaths hidden in medical industry.
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You are absolutely correct. The person in the video is promoting CBT agenda and CBT propaganda of NT which is shocking and I cannot understand it. CBT is part of the problem, it is wrong therapy, it is Ludovico Technique from Clockwork orange, it is therapy intended for short term brainwashing invented in late 1960 based on Nazi technology which Americans stole during WW2 operation Paperclip - it is not intended for long term therapy and it is not intended for victims of abuse. CBT is intended for psychopaths and suicidal survivals to get open to therapy - that is the purpose of CBT.
CBT is based on idea that we are living in delusion now and that we need to snap out to reality.
Victims of abuse - which are autists, ADHDs and socially anxious - who are exposed to trauma and invalidation since childhood - will not hallucinate abuse. The abuse is real. There is no perceived hate. There is hate.
I admit - due to exposure to abuse there will be sensitivity to perceived threat. The best example is when I learn Duolingo app - there is option to play slowly spoken words. And the automatic recorded voice will seem to me as if the mock me due to slow talking. I am completely aware that this is recording but there is some degree of annoyance how it sounds and I do take it personally to certain point - but there is no hysteria.
If this was spoken by real person I would get offended. That part is "perceived".
However there are plethora of Cluster B monsters who do hate others and who see others as threat due to their fragile ego - and there is nothing we perceive as hatred, they really do hate others.
This starts to be problem when they are family members or at job - where we cannot leave or cut contact.
So another approach is needed - CBT explanations are horrible, they are detrimental, they are re-traumatizing us, they are part of psychological abuse - where our trauma is being invalidated and explained away as a mere hallucination.
CBT must be banned - CBT is the part of problem.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology which is based on validation.
CBT is based on ableism and NT fascist mindset where diversity is seen as abnormality and something to correct and destroy.
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" and smiled and said "this is you.""
We got to be extremely careful with diagnosis and using psychology as blame and finger pointing and scapegoating and declaring this is you.
Nope-
we are not limited psychological vocabulary. We are not walking diagnosis. This is mindset of NT, of abusers and narcissists who are hidden in medical industry and who use psychology as sadism and abusing the masses.
Sorites paradox tells us that the heap cannot be defined as heap -
Fuzzy logic tells us the same.
CBT idea that we see the world in form of labels is stigma and discrimination. It is cognitive distortion itself called black and white thinking or in psychology it is called splitting.
This can be extremely dangerous - since toxic people will then use labels and stigma and diagnosis to harm, hurt, control and manipulate their targets.
Your wife might be cheating on you, might steal your money, might commit some crime, might start poop in your bed and plan to steal your money in court - and if you protest -she will simply state "this is you" "You are over-sensitive" "You are hallucinating" etc.
CBT and diagnosis and blaming and scapegoating is making us to be mad, insane and abnormal, that is abuse.
CBT is part of abuse.
The truth is - unless we are serial killers, Trump, Putin - there is absolutely nothing wrong with our mind, with our thoughts, with our thinking patterns. Trauma responses are reflex - they are not "this is you", they are not our persona, they are not our personality trait.
CBT is fusing our trauma and exposure to abuse as our personal fault and our personal choice and our persona - and this is psychological abuse. CBT must be banned - it is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone seeking honest help and explanation about abuse and abusers - because CBT is based on narcissistic abuse and pharma mafia making money on our neurosis.
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He stated few errors in his video.
1) RSD has no cure. It is futile to promise us fantasy magical potions - while there are none. There are workarounds but they are not cure. We will get triggered.
2) RSD is caused by exposure to relentless criticism in our formative years and exposure to toxic society such as CBT. RSD is not our personal hallucination nor our choice. Toxic people caused this effect. RSD is after-effect of narcissistic abuse.
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"any inability to correctly or appropriately process emotion"
This is not endemic to autism nor ADHD.
Those with Complex Trauma, social anxiety will also feel RSD and all symptoms which you feel , too - so do not listen to CBT. CBT is faulty wrong therapy bases on narcissistic abuse itself and pharma mafia which is making tons of money on keeping neurosis alive by hiding away information about CPTSD.
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The difference is that BPD is making fantasy snapshot delusional explanation of reality (Sam Vaknin-Richard Grannon) - while all of our others see reality as it is.
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Yes. CBT bans this information - because if medical industry would admit that verbal abuse is causing mental instability and hence mental illness - narcissism would be criminal and narcissists would get fired from managerial positions - which CBT is filled with. CBT is part of pharma mafia narcissists who are making huge profit on victims of abuse and targets of narcissistic abuse - by explaining to us that we are hallucianting toxic people.
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This happens because this video is based on CBT. There is no empathy in CBT, only ableism and destruction of anything that is not NT. That is why CBT explains to us that we are hallucinating toxic narcissistic people and that they do not exist. So that they could abuse us and brainwash us with fascism and NT mindset of being a sheep and slave.
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" I hate criticism."
Nope. I do not mind criticism. I learn from mistakes and errors. I welcome criticism. It is opportunity to learn and do better or accept what cannot be changed.
What I DO hate are NT mindless fascist narcissists who are abusing our mistakes and present our errors as ultimate catastrophe while they cover up their own and expect us to do some task for the first time as if we done it for 30 years perfectly. That is what I hate.
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"can you talk about what it is like receiving energy medicine (Reiki) while being Autistic, thanks"
CBT is based in fascism so it automatically rejects anything that is different, unusual, neurodivergent and perceived it as sickness and abnormality to cure or destroy.
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YT "The Truth About ADHD & Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria"
Your video is based too much on CBT.
There are really true and real and totally absolute toxic people who really do unfairly criticize others through hidden agenda in order to harm and hurt their targets. IT is not our hallucination.
CBT is therapy of ableism and NT and I have no idea why therapist and anyone with neurodivergent mindset is following it?
IT is like German Jews in 1930s going to Nazi HQ to complain about human rights.
CBT will tell us that we are abnormal and we need to change our brain and persona at the push of a button (like 'who cares what they think' crap)- and we will end up in CBT concentration camp of self blame and self pathology.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology which is shunned away by pharma mafia and narcissists hidden in medical industry, mentally ill narcissistic "people" in CBT who are masking being sane and then making money on our trauma and neurosis.
Why it is so hard to recognize and validate that we are abused and toxic people do exist?
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CBT ignores narcissistic abuse facts and instead CBT is explaining that we are hallucinating abuse and that we can magically change abuse by nitpicking our personality and thinking - and then end up with mental illness and schizophrenia in CBT process of brainwashing.
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(15.4.2023)
"that's great in theory but tough in practice"
I agree with you.
But for me it helps about knowing about RSD.
When I start PureOCD worry cycles about others and what they've said - now I need some time but I do remember RSD facts - and this helps me to lower the worry. The worry is still there but at lower levels - and then I can do my thing what I'm doing instead of obsessing & trying to find reasons and answers and improvement how to be better in response to what someone have said.
RSD has no cure - and we are doomed to perform this manual over-ride. IT is difficult, it is annoying, and we will forget about it when we first start to do it - but with time it will become automatic. Manual over-ride.
Writing the blog and writing your worries and thoughts - you can do that. Simply write. That is manual over-ride. There will be worry about what others might say or comment about - but keep writing anyway. That is manual over-ride.
Writing is the only concrete solid tool for healing Complex Trauma, so it has some benefits - you need to start it.
Before 2020 I was trying to find solution for social anxiety - I have read books, I tried CBT "advice" about exposure - and my social anxiety did become Functional but it was still there. And in 2020 I simply started to write what worries me and what is the problem and why solutions did not work. I wrote blogs, this you tube comments which I previously never would write at all, I discovered that I ignore philosophy and psychology - for example I would encounter some interesting Jung quote - but I never actually went to Google images and check ALL his quotes. And then make folder on PC about it to check regularly. The same thing for philosophy.
3 years later on - and now in the meantime I discovered that social anxiety is Complex Trauma and RSD - information which is not available online, and which is the product of writing and making sense of what I was feeling in response to information data available in external world.
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I believe that we need to educate ourselves first to collect data and information from wise and intelligent people who already studied the matter and devoted their entire lifetime in analyzing and forming and defining unknown and dark areas which are unexplored.
It would not be wise to think we are gods and that we do not need help or that we are not vulnerable.
I see method of writing and education as rounded thought-solution mindset, to cover all dimensions and sided and to avoid being egocentric.
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YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria - Why am I so sensitive? (ADHD symptoms)"
Toxic people who nitpick our errors and mistakes as hidden agenda to make them feel superior and easy way to bully others.
Toxic people who demand that we do some first time task as if we are doing it for 30 years and expecting us to be perfect at it and react in rage and temper tantrums when we make first mistakes and mock or blame or make drama about it, as if it is catastrophe.
Toxic people who target other people's mistakes, errors, lack of knowledge and other people's flaw systematically, relentlessly, with agenda to harm, hurt and put someone down - not as a way to help, learn nor resolve issues - but to create the target as issue and make them feel incompetent.
These are not imagined - toxic people really do this on purpose and they are toxic and harmful and have agenda to destroy other people through criticism.
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"I am very scared to talk to other people, my whole life I've isolated myself from other people. I thought it was social anxiety but I learned about rsd a few weeks ago"
We need to stop here and see the bigger picture:
1) medical industry is misdiagnosing us
2) CBT is giving false and wrong "medicine" and "cure" for "social anxiety" - in form of ABC method where if we are abused we must blame our brain and thoughts for feeling abused.
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"not going to make you cleverer"
That's not my goal. My goal is actually to discover RSD - and it is discovered now, thanks to "brain dumping" and "going into much detail"
"you spend too much time listening to others opinions"
I am extreme people pleaser, I fawn and I am pushover, I have high score of Agreeable personality and Openness.
Yes I DO listen to other people, I trauma bond with them and merge with them.
"your philosophical search for enlightenment"
I seek for social anxiety why it happens and why it stole away my life.
There is video YT Viktor Frankl: Self-Actualization is not the goal
I agree with Frankl.
"your brains ramblings are not that interesting to most people"
I see my "ramblings" like bread crumbs in dark woods, anyone lost will profit from them.
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YT "Do You Have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?"
Things you missed to discover:
1) people pleasing.
This is also connected to Agreeableness and Openness. both are personality traits (Big 5) - they are not sickness, they are not something to destroy or hide or modulate - since it would lead to personality disorder. They are not something to be labeled as weak or sissy and something to be disgusted with. Or labeled as inept and inferior - as primitive societies and shame culture countries do label sensitivity as abnormality.
People pleasing is also connected to Fawning - which is trauma response - more at point 2.
And if we decide to declare people pleasing as being sissy, weak, feminine and try to follow Jordan Peterson "advice" how to be alpha stoic super strong male - we will also destroy common sense, civility, moral and ethical standards, and ability to connect with other people - and we'll develop Disinhibition - which leads to pathology and narcissism, where we don't care about what other people think at all. Which can end up as Antisocial Dark Triad criminally insane issues.
2) complex trauma is the cause of RSD.
Exposure to relentless criticism leads to RSD. We did not catch RSD as if we brush off of wet paint when we sat at some park bench. RSD stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse - in times of formative years where we were exposed to relentless criticism about any mistakes, flaws and as if they were catastrophe - which child brain interpreted as personality flaw - in times of formative years where our psyche was suppose to be validated and in safe environment. Mistakes are normal part of life - with exposure to narcissistic abuse we get programmed to believe we are inept because of mistakes.
3) midiagnosis.
Social anxiety is RSD. RSD is recognized in ADHD since ADHD brain is dysregulated all the time - and then criticized and disciplined all the time by NT society - while those who are socially anxious are dysregulated only in toxic ambient with toxic people.
This tells us that DSM which you mention, CBT - they are all wrong. Official medical industry is providing us wrong information, pharma mafia is making money on human neurosis by misdiagnosing abused traumatized targets of abuse, they do the same damage as conspiracy theorists. Calling neurodiversity as disorder proves that CBT and DSM are extremely damaging to human psyche and anyone who honestly and genuinely seeks help. complex trauma is banned by CBT while WHO's ICD 11 recognizes CPTSD as real concept.
Common CBT "technique" is ABC model - which is NT approach to destroy neurodivergent/divergent mindset and replace it with convergent thinking.
CBT observes convergent thinking style where exposure to abuse, shell shock is explained away as cowardice and trauma is explained away as being weak - trauma is fused with character traits - which leads to personality disorder if believed.
--
(twitter)
Those who were abused and then sought help for their unknown panic feelings (actually triggers) and ask honest guidance from CBT - CBT would instruct that we must see every fear as challenge and expose ourselves to de-sensitize to abuse/fear and then be strong and test our fears.
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(16.4.2023)
YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and ADHD | ADHD | Episode 20"
“Psychotherapy can't help Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria because it is biological issue. It happens so quickly, powerfully there is no chance for cognitive or emotional strategies to deal with it.”
I think this is correct.
Think of it children in various tribes who were molded to have distorted body parts - like forehead, ear lobes or lower lips - they grow up with deformities - but they are functional. These are not their fault, these are not making body dysfunctional - and if we label these adults as abnormal - we will create toxic shame inside them. It was not their choice - the deformities happened in childhood, by superstitious adults, it was not child's laziness or lack of courage or lack of strength - and psychotherapy suggests that abnormalities are not allowed in society - when abnormalities are decided by supermodels and narcissists and anyone with lack of empathy.
Psychotherapy cannot change someone's body being distorted and RSD is form of permanent distortion - but it can help to validate and accept the deformity, change the lookout at it as disorder and learn how to live with the permanent consequences - not as a tool to blame or criticize someone who was criticized to the point of distortion.
CBT is therapy of ableism where trauma is ignored, complex trauma is banned and instead there are labels and stigma to label anything neurodiverse as disorder.
The only disorder is being serial killer, being Trump, being without empathy, and instead to be with hidden agenda to harm and hurt others without ability to know the consequences of aggression and violence on others. That is disorder. Being abused and traumatized is not disorder - it is unfair to label and stigmatize targets of abuse and abnormal, sick and distorted. In the end it does not help - abused targets will feel guilt and shame and abnormal, that is the only thing which CBT is doing to anyone who genuinely seeks help with aftermaths of being abused.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology which is based on acceptance and validation.
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YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria #adhd #shorts"
"It is all illusion" CBT crap will never work for those who were abused, experienced mobbing and bullied into social anxiety.
Instead - this quick bias "it was all a dream hallucination" - will lead to us distrusting our persona, throughts, common sense - and we will end up with personality disorder, external referencing locus of control and trauma bonding - since we won't be able to trust our intuition and gut feelings.
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YT "RSD Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria & ADHD"
RSD stems from being exposed to toxic ambient of constant relentless criticism while growing up. Nitpicking our mistakes all the time - in early age when our psyche was forming and suppose to learn that it is in safe environment - instead it was programmed and conditioned to hate oneself and fuse personality persona self with mistakes.
Anyone with social anxiety - has RSD.
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YT "ADHD’s worst symptom and what to do about it - Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria"
CBT is therapy of ableism. I am shocked how many ADHD videos are supporting and mixing with and associating with CBT.
It is like Jews going to Nazi HQ in pre-1945 Germany for complaining about human rights violations.
CBT is causing RSD - it is labeling and stigmatizing neurodivergents as disorder and abnormality, CBT is therapy of NT.
CBT is doing incredible damage to anyone seeking social anxiety - where neurodivergent information is banned and hidden away from prying eyes of people who were abused and traumatized - and instead CBT is performing brainwashing to anyone who was abused.
CBT is also banning and hiding away information about Complex Trauma - due to pharma mafia making money profit on neurosis and abuse.
CBT's approach that we nitpick our thoughts will lead to personality disorder - since RSD has no cure and it is part of our persona now, unfortunately. IT is like children in tribes being molded their foreheads, ear lobes and lower lips due to tribe society beliefs of what is normal. Deformities of body are not dysfunctional - they are only deforming the body - and mocking someone for these deformities which they never choose is abuse - like neurodivergent experience from NT and then end up with RSD due to criticism and constant correcting.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic therapy which works, it is based on validation and acceptance.
While RSD thoughts may not be true - and we can learn skills to handle wrong prejudices - there are in real life plethora of toxic people whom which CBT ignores and bans any information such as effects of verbal abuse, narcissistic abuse.
---
YT
"How to Cope with RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)"
"RSD is perceived, there is no evidence"
This is half information.
RSD is also where there is real psychological, verbal and physical abuse.
I am shocked how many ADHD videos are based on CBT.
This is the same as Jews getting information by Nazi HQ about human rights definitions and what we are allowed.
CBT is therapy of ableism, it is based on NT. CBT labels anything different as disorder and abnormality.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology which is based on acceptance and validation.
Mindfulness leads to anxiety - since we will be more aware of abuse and toxic people which CBT ignored.
CBT also bans information about Complex Trauma since pharma mafia is making huge money profit on neurosis and victims of abuse by blaming victims of abuse being weak and cowards.
RSD has no cure.
CBT approach that we must correct something that is permanent is not helping at all - it sets us up to believe we are weird and abnormal while "normal" people have no anxieties and does not react to rejection - which is not true at all.
CBT must be banned, it is doing incredible psychological damage to anyone seeking honest and genuine help.
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YT "Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria [CC]"
Examples told in videos ("everyone doesn't secretly hate you") are easily dismissed away with experience.
However in real life -
The true problem are narcissists, Cluster B predatory malignant types, someone who is pathological liar, someone with hidden agenda which they hide away, someone who is antagonistic. Also the video message suggests that "normal" people are not sensitive to rejection while we are abnormal for having "hallucination(s)" - which is not true at all.
Thicker skin is not solution - since we will dismiss and ignore red flags and end up with toxic people and depend on them, since toxic people hijack our amygdala and they use coercive control which is not mentioned at all in this video. Instead - the focus is on our "problem" while all other people are normal and ok and friendly - which in real life - many people are predatory and they will poop in our bed eventually and sue us for being rapist, when we ignore red flags and when we are de-sensitized away.
---
I dunno.
I don't like her approach that we dismiss our intuition and common sense. It is NT nonsense.
We will end up fawning to crazy professors, job management, being sheep and slave to corporations so that we buy things to impress people who don't care if we live or die next day.
I don't like the attitude that we stay neutral and silent when someone is abusive and when there is mobbing. Nor the "advice" said in video that we become hysterical and try to reason and be "assertive" with predatory types who are based on antagonism, pathological lying and narcissistic view that people are divided in alfa (someone with disinhibition and pathology) and submissive types (someone who is quiet and friendly) and then end up stuck in codependency and trying to make pathological predatory types to love and accept and understand us - by our complaining and naggings and explanations - which they do not give a damn to hear nor understand.
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YT "Rejection Sensitivity: Ben educates Aucademy"
"that's perfectly valid thing for that person to experience which is boredom because not everybody's going to enjoy the same things as one another and the other students enjoyed it so it's not like the project was failure"
From socially anxious perspective - (btw I am not autistic nor I have ADHD but I do feel RSD deeply and I am 'en synch' with many issues ADHD-ers experience except not being patient) -
the issue I have with RSD is when someone is judgmental and criticizing something that I have invested a deep and through and perfectionistic amount of energy and focus to avoid me committing any kind of mistakes which 99,8% of people would not invest energy to avoid - OR - when we are doing something for the first time and we have no knowledge nor experience yet to know all - but there is some random critic who is throwing accusations, demands and attack for mistakes done - which we would not do for example if we did this task for 30 years as the critic did. It is unreasonable and unrealistic demands of the critic which are extremely triggering.
Plus -
it is critics who are antagonistic, who are using coercive control to manipulate and control others, without empathy, without cooperation yet part of the tram, then those who are predatory types and have hidden agenda which is totally covert in invisible to us yet it is there behind the fake mask - and you actually need some time to discover that they are not true nor helpful but critical in order to present themselves as superior and cover up shaky foundations inside them. That triggers my RSD. People who strategically target our mistakes, flaws and lack of knowledge in order to put us down so that they appear competent and better and functional or whatever.
I can handle imaginary hurt , it does not bother me that much.
I believe all people experience rejection sensitivity at certain level - but most people cover it up, they mimic being strong and appearing strong in the eyes of others in order to fit into NT norms, they pretend not to be hurt to appear superior and better and stoic - they basically act and they are not honest, and or they lack psychological vocabulary to describe feelings which they feel, and or they transform their rejection into something else and pretend not to admit it is rejection which caused the uncomfortable emotions.
Also if and when we confront someone with our worries - the chances are that the other person will not admit being antagonistic. Some of them try to be clean and good and be grandiose in the eyes of others - while pathological part of them will never admit openly that they are passive aggressive and have hidden agenda to harm other person.
We can more less over-ride imaginary rejection - and only true core problem stays with real abuse, with bullying and mobbing - where the critic is openly hostile and has clear intention to cause some kind of damage to the target, usually through verbal and psychological abuse, blaming and nagging and complaining all the time - which is problem when we cannot move nor cut contact and when we are forced to endure the abuse.
I believe RSD stems from exposure to relentless criticism, unfair bombardment to nitpicking our mistakes in early age onwards, especially in early age when our mind was supposed to learn being safe and validated.
Coming from social anxiety perspective/angle - I can tell that the idea that we kill and destroy RSD can have detrimental effect:
when we are being manipulated and oppressed in any kind of way by any type of person - we might end up ignoring it and or being neutral to their abuse - since we will label it as hallucination. Then dangerous Dark Triad predatory personalities will exploit us, take advantage of us being passive and silent and quit, not protesting - or siding with their coercive control and gaslighting and lies.
And while I am here,
I would like to note important detail: that socially anxious people who seek help and information about social anxiety - are not told nor explained that RSD exists.. Many of them are not aware of Complex Trauma and Neurodivergency is not mentioned at all in any self help books about social anxiety or online articles by official medical resources at all. These information are hidden away and instead socially anxious people are instructed by CBT to suppress emotions and to label own brain and thinking process as cognitive distortion , something to nitpick and criticize a lot as abnormal. Plus it is extremely hard to explain and find words to describe RSD for socially anxious yet they struggle with these symptoms - and have no clue that what they struggle is - is real concept. The knowledge of RSD helps and will help to socially anxious and those who are trauma informed to calm down and regulate much quickly - since it will no longer be unknown issues that we have no idea that they are issues to begin with. Instead - traumatized and socially anxious are programmed and conditioned to self blame - due to exposure to relentless criticism which caused social anxiety and trauma in the first place.
---
(17.4.2023)
YT "social anxiety and the internet"
It is a little bit complicated, as anything else in life.
Social anxiety is not anti-social.
In fact, socially anxious are extremely people pleasers and they fawn too much, they are extremely social to the point it starts to be scary and painful.
You are confusing schizoid with social anxiety. Schizoids avoid social situations.
Avoidants - extreme form of social anxiety - they avoid and isolate BUT they desire social contact a lot.
As human beings we tend to jump to quick conclusions which are often oversimplifications and distorted views of reality.
Social anxiety is not mental illness.
Mental illness is being serial killer and have hidden or overt desire to harm other people in any possible way. That is mental illness.
Socially anxious people went through abuse, constant criticism and quick labels like you are this or that - which caused social anxiety in the first place. Being abused is not choice and it is not fair to label it as disorder just for being abused - since nobody asked to be abused.
Without social anxiety we would be dis-inhibited - we would not have any sense of shame or common sense what is socially accepted - and then we would become mentally ill - like pooping on someone's bed before we are mad at him or contemplating false court allegations to destroy someone's career - all pathological urges which stem from not having social anxiety as alarm system to stop truly anti-social behavior.
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YT "Understanding Social Anxiety"
CBT is promoting NT default explanations based on limited narrow psychological vocabulary and questionable resources such as DSM which is nothing but book of statistical paradox and statistical errors.
"Disorder" with social anxiety starts with bullying, mobbing, abuse, constant relentless criticism by predatory personalities - and nobody is focused on predators. The society attacks the targets of abuse as abnormal and try to fix it according to neurotypical standard - which is nothing else but fascism and narcissistic abuse on global scale.
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YT "How to Easily Overcome Social Anxiety"
Porn addiction is usual in young males exploring sexuality. This is not connected with social anxiety.
Exercising is not connected with dealing with social anxiety issues.
Social skills are not something which will make toxic people vanish whereas toxic people cause social anxiety.
Idea to self improve stems from narcissism and mental illness, psychopathy - desire to control and manipulate other people.
Idea to label neurodivergent thinking as sickness is neurotypical perspective, it has nothing to do with reality, it is personal belief.
For example - if society "fixed" Nikola Tesla obsession with OCD - we would not have electricity or wifi or radio today.
Self improvement is mental illness because it is not based on reality but on fantasy and idea that we can act and fake pretend to be fake person in order to control others and prevent uncomfortable situations from happening. In real life- bad things will happen no matter how much we are "self improved" or "confident" - and then mental illness steps in - because once you are unable to control external reality, other people who do not comply or act in way you wish them to behave - you will start to be violent and resort to abuse and criminal activities such as coercive control.
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YT "Reducing Social Anxiety for the Scapegoat Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse"
Videos which connect social anxiety and narcissistic abuse are very rare, yet social anxiety does stem from exposure to narcissistic abuse. Instead of this fact, society blames all targets of abuse for being weird, abnormal, lazy or deformed, something to be cured.
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YT "Overcome Social Anxiety in 5 Steps: Unveiled!"
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma and Rejection sensitivity - it stems from being abused. So it is not personality trait, it is not cognitive distortion and negative thoughts are not chosen - they are after-effects of being abused.
Exposure hence will not help since problem are toxic people and intrusive people. Exposure will lead to re-traumatization.
Idea that we are sick and abnormal because of social anxiety is self pathologizing and self abuse.
---
YT "Social anxiety #shorts"
Social anxiety can be Functional.
Highly functional anxiety is technical medical term.
Like Michael Jackson - he had severe social anxiety yet his job involved performing in front of billions of people without any trouble.
Being confident will not heal trauma.
Being confident will not prevent abuse from happening nor it will prevent toxic people to cause damage.
Social anxiety is called social because it involves social factor. Toxic people cause social anxiety, it is not called self anxiety.
Our lack of confidence does not cause social anxiety - abuse and trauma cause it.
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YT "How To Free Yourself From Anxiety Now! (Shorts)"
Victims of abuse will have trauma - which will turn out as social anxiety and Rejection sensitivity.
The confidence is not solution to trauma nor toxic people.
When we deal with social anxiety symptoms - this is also called divergent thinking style. It is neurodivergency.
Neurotypical mindset is convergent thinking - and such kind of thinking perceives anything defaulting from the norm as abnormal and sickness. This way, society is causing social anxiety through criticism and constant control and manipulation of someone who appears "socially anxious".
If Nikola Tesla was "cured" from his social anxiety shyness and OCD issues - we would not have electricity nor wifi nor radio today. He was genius and it is not ethically or morally correct that we destroy or control someone who is different from the given norm.
Abnormal, pathological is someone who is serial killer, someone who causes pain and hurt and harm to other people. That is pathology, that is only sickness to be "cured".
Feeling anxious is not pathology, it is symptom of being abused by pathological predators.
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YT "Your brain won't like it but you can do it #socialanxiety #anxiety"
Exposure will not help with social anxiety. It will only make it Functional.
The trauma behind is will be left untacked and Rejection sensitivity will harm us if left on auto-pilot and or ignored or suppressed.
Those who expose will eventually meet someone difficult and antagonistic - types of predators which caused the social anxiety in the first place - and exposure will only lead to re-traumatization, self abuse and inability to manage or process difficult people.
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YT "Sometimes you gotta jump into that fear #anxiety #socialanxiety"
Exposure to fear will not help it - it will create more fear and belief we are inept and incompetent for feeling uncomfortable emotions - which are not fear at all, they are Rejection sensitivity issue. It has nothing to do with courage or lack of it.
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YT "Socially Anxious Thought: " You look so dumb right now." #socialanxiety #negativethoughts"
These thoughts are Rejection sensitivity -and they stem from exposure to narcissistic abuse and NT society which labels and stigmatizes anyone different as abnormal.
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"how do you think you should tackle social anxiety as like a 15-17 year old"
From my own experience, if I could go back in time and give some insight to my self when I was 15-17 years old -
I would emphasize on the scene from Good Will Hunting - "It's not your fault" scene.
I would try to encourage anyone in this age to learn about neurodivergent concept and trust oneself and own feeling and emotions.
We live in NT neurotypical society which is based on bias and quick prejudices and over-simplifications and this leads to belief that feeling fears and panic is personality defect. IT is not.
Panic, fears - uncomfortable emotions - are the result of toxic people around us. People who are judgmental, discriminatory, who are like quick to label and stigmatize others, anyone who thinks or behaves differently.
I am talking about the concept of self worth and intrinsic locus of control - which is very hard to grasp when someone is 15-17 years old. In those age we will tend to think in groupthink, herd mentality and to fit in and avoid being different and be scared of thinking differently and be different in any way that may cause criticism and shame or mocking.
The fact that someone is feeling fears and panic and anxiety is sign that such person is neurodivergent and has divergent thinking style.
I am talking about accepting oneself and validating own emotions and reactions as normal reaction to abnormal society and abnormal people around.
---
YT "Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and ADHD"
"It's not thought to be caused by trauma"
What?
Rejection Sensitivity stems from being exposed to constant criticism, relentless criticism - usually narcissistic verbal abuse.
We did not invent this. This is not made up complex.
This is pure conditioning, it is hypnosis, it is programming.
IT affects ADHD-ers and Autistic people and social anxiety - all groups of people who are corrected and disciplined for being different from the norm. That is abuse.
It is logical - people do not get RSD by leaning on fresh paint on bench in a park. It is not like some unknown flesh eating bacteria which randomly enters the brain while swimming in a pool - it is solid, real and true exposure to someone narcissistic and malignant borderline who nags and complain all the time about something we do, all the time.
And I would not recognize it if I never learned about Complex Trauma and Narcissistic abuse concept. It is like fish swimming in the water without being aware that there is water - the same way when we are grown into criticism and nagging and complainings - it is natural and we do not see it anymore, however it does leave real effect on our psyche.
Going above and beyond in family or at toxic job is trauma. That is traumatic experience - since there is punishment and consequence by someone in authority who feels entitled to control and manipulate someone else. This is both trauma and abuse.
"Knowing when I'm wrong, it's hard to explain it"
It is egocentrism.
And this is where it starts to be complex. Toxic people will take advantage of Dualism and Double binding - and due to basic fact that there is no Ultimate Truth (anything can be observed and explained from multiple points of views AKA Rashomon Effect) - it means that toxic people can make us believe we are always wrong and mistaken. Also - if we are narcissistic - we can always be correct and see other people as wrong and blame them all the time. Then - Someone who is open, kind, nice and quiet will be excellent target to accept being wrong all the time. Which explains why empaths are attracted to predatory types.
If someone is criticizing - if this criticizing is happening all the time, as a pattern - this is red flag this person is predatory and malignant borderline. No one is wrong all the time, it's impossible. IT is impossible that someone is correct and right all the time - since people are not computers, they make mistakes especially if something is done for the first time or rarely.
"You have to be honest"
Being assertive and communicative with someone who is pathological liar is bad approach. They will use our private data as coercive control later on.
When we are in Ventral Vagal - we are all honest and at peace - we are on auto-pilot all the time of being honest - by talking and being authentic and genuine. IF you feel the urge to be honest with someone - that is red flag that the other person is narcissistic and malignant borderline who cannot cope with facts and real life. Leave, exit, do not stay with them inside Karpman Drama Triangle.
"constantly affirming"
Micromanaging - it is not working in real life. We will lose waste time focus money on nitpicking ourselves.
"Don't take it personally, it is not about you"
And we don't.
The problem is when predatory types target our mistakes, flaws and lack of knowledge and present it as aggression and abnormality and hurt and harm to someone. Read this again. They make it personal. They make it as we are bad person who must feel guilty and ashamed, they fuse our mistakes with our character and our trait.
This is connected with people who are lazy and they don't want to work - and in the same time we depend on them for job, task, papers, third party - then we will take it personally. That is real life.
It is not issue with ourselves - it is external factor. There are toxic people whom we cannot leave or exit and we are forced to be with them and handle issues - which they produce in the first place. That is the problem. Not our rejection sensitivity or our reactions to them and their abuse and manipulation.
Some people are toxic - they are not focused on seeking solutions, their goal is greed and exploiting others. They will never admit their covert goals of greed and predatory goals - instead they will turn the tables and blame us for anything. They will do it convincingly , since this is something they do all their lives. Then the idea that "we do not take it personally" is now used against us - because we will be neutral and we won't react to their covert abuse.
Most arguments, most conflicts, most endless conversations - stem from such people who are toxic and who have covert goals to exploit others and they do not care about others - but they will mimic to care and to have empathy. So we need to take it personally. Unfortunately CBT does not explain this coercive control and instead CBT is prone to teach victims of abuse to self pathologize and self blame and romanticize the life away as if toxic people do not exist and that we are free to leave our oppressors.
---
I noticed that many ADHD videos are based on CBT.
Why is that?
CBT is anti-ADHD. CBT is therapy of ableism. It is like we are Jews who go to Nazi HQ to get information about Human Rights.
CBT totally ignores existence of toxic people and oppression - and CBT is based on self blame and "it was all hallucination" argument.
---
YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria"
It is a good direction to remove NT blaming self-fulfilling stigma labels such as "Distortion" or "disorder" into Neurodivergent-friendly words such as Trait.
The difference of Borderliners and anyone with RSD is that Borderliners are basing their explanations of life on a fantasy, just as narcissists - that is why they fall under Cluster B anyway - but instead of insisting on their snapshot of reality (Vaknin-Grannon) they base their definitions about anything in life on other people's descriptions of anything in life, including the approval. In short, socially anxious RSD-ers do not fantasize, instead - they are aware of reality.
RSD stems from toxic people who criticized us relentlessly 24/7 when our psyche was forming, RSD has roots in narcissistic abuse, exposure to verbal abuse masked as "discipline" and "teaching" and "caring".
Why most RSD videos are based on "hallucination" argument?
RSD is both based on imaginary and real rejection.
The imaginary part is easily dismissed and laughed away without trauma. This part is really easy and not true problem.
The complex part is real rejection - we never get explanation how to handle toxic people who use coercive control and have laser sharp focus on exploiting other people?
I am not sure that it is correct or healthy to explain RSD away as "inner child" with temper tantrum.
We could end up with toxic people who are extremely exploitative and manipulative - and we will simply brush it off and make it neutral as something that is our persona trait or some error in our thinking. That is slippery slope approach - which leads to NT view of world and ableism.
Chemicals will not disperse if we are trapped in toxic job which we cannot quit.
Idea that we re-valuate toxic ambient and difficult situations is wrong approach - where we blame our reactions to abuse as tunnel vision and our faulty brain. This is why CBT is so much dangerous and ineffective - it does not help in real life situations which are complex and toxic if not extremely toxic.
If we go to CBT lane of blaming our brain and labeling it as distortion and abnormal and something we cannot rely on - we will develop personality disorder - since we won't be able to rely on our intuition and common sense.
---
I am just flabbergasted how ADHD is even associated with CBT. And nobody by ADHD is reacting to it. We with social anxiety stay silent and calm and take any unfair labels and self blame ourselves, but ADHDers are loud and they protest - so I do not get it why ADHD ers stay silent to CBT.
CBT is therapy of ableism. It is therapy based on NT which is creating RSD. CBT is like Nazi HQ who is issuing definitions of Human Rights - and we are like Jews who go to this authority institution for instructions and guidance - I do not understand it why nobody protests against CBT?
Instead of faulty CBT there is Humanistic psychology which is actually based on validation and self acceptance.
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YT "10 Features of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and Vulnerable Narcissism"
One of the rare videos which connects RSD and narcissism in term of over-lapping and where narcissistic abuse is the cause of RSD in the first place. In general terms, narcissism is totally ignored by most videos and medical community in general - and instead the nitpicking and "cure" for anxiety is blamed away on targets of narc abuse which caused RSD in the first place and explained away as "hallucination" and over-reaction;
---
We all have dark shadow as Jung discovered. We are all imperfect and are infected by toxic habits by toxic people around us. The difference is that if certain pattern is repetitive and habit and deliberate choice to harm and hurt other person - or is certain behaviour part of passing moment which happens once in billion years.
Nobody is totally angel and nobody is total devil. We are not cardboard images - we change, we work on ourselves, we learn and correct mistakes. The difference is that narcissists already believe that they are perfect and do not need corrections and their goal is to be grand and perfect. Normal people's goal is to be functional and to get along with others and to resolve problems in life and enjoy life - not as a way to harm others while doing it.
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YT "Emotions and ADHD: On Shame, Guilt, and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (with William Dodson, M.D.)"
15:16 "Social phobia is anticipatory , it's before the event"
This statement is untrue, Social phobia has post-mortem rumination. Check it. Social anxiety is worry before the event, during the event and after the event. If the event was successful without incidents - the positive outcome is dismissed as sheer luck and non important, a fluke.
RSD is social anxiety. You caught yourself here with RSD. You chased the rabbit but the bear came out of the cave.
You try to excuse Cluster B monsters as if they are not the cause of psychological difficulties and instead you try to label dysphoria as a mere neurological and genetical issue, and that is why you try to exclude social anxiety away from RSD. Social anxiety factor does not fit in with the brain bias.
With social anxiety there are all missing clues found now - and the puzzle is complete - where we can clearly see what was previously garbled up: that RSD and social anxiety and any "distortion" stems and really do come from narcissistic abuse.
This fact is extremely dangerous to any kind of authority - since now narcissistic abusers are no longer romantic antagonist - but criminally insane lunatics who are destroying people's lives and usually found in managerial seats - even in medical industry.
If narcissistic abuse was disclosed as the motor which is causing mental illness and mental imbalance - narcissist will no longer be legible to work in any type of job which they hold now in justice, police, political and medical spheres. Narcissism can be easily detected by brain scan - so they cannot cheat at eventual tests to discover the disease of narcissism.
Without narcissism in medical industry, conditions will not longer be labeled as "disorders" and similar CBT/DSM labels which are not helpful and they add to self-fulfilling prophecy and stigma.
Neurodivergence tells us that different brain from NT norm is not a sickness nor abnormality.
Narcissist Personality Disorder
One of the few conditions where the patient is left alone and everyone else is treated.
(PierceTheDarkness)
---
Information about RSD will help with regulation much quickly.
Without information that RSD exists - people will tend to self blame and self pathologize and this aggravates the panic and fears and anxiety. It is like Sandra Bullock 2013's Gravity movie - where she floats in space and tries to grab onto anything firm in order to stop spinning in space.
With RSD we can ground ourselves instantly - knowing this is "normal" after-effect of abuse and exposure to narcissistic abuse in childhood and later on in life by all kinds of toxic people.
When we know what is the cause of Charcot hysteria - the hysteria no longer pulls our strings.
So pharma mafia no longer won't be able to make money on our unknown and mysterious hectic reactions triggers, flashbacks, trauma emotions.
Unfortunately CBT and DSM are part of NT and narcissism - and they try to explain us that our brain is abnormal and that our brain is RSD itself. Instead I see RSD as Devil on the Shoulder - it is a wound, entity - not our persona, personality or characteristic trait.
CBT and DSM do not understand Sorites Paradox - and instead insist on black and white thinking or splitting where there is no fuzzy logic. Which is unrealistic and this is not how real world works. Narcissists tend to see world as snapshot of reality which complex reality must fawn (on)to.
---
HE said:
"With social phobia rarely anxieties occur prior to the age of 11. “I was just fine until last year of elementary school and then I became intensely anxious about being humiliated or embarrassed in public, scrutinized harshly”."
Social phobia is archaic term, abandoned in mid 1990s because it was obvious that phobia cannot be removed with repeated exposure to feared object - as all phobias are cured.
He will need to accept that RSD and social anxiety issues are the same thing - while social anxiety is normal and on the other side - inhibitory fears and anxieties with social anxiety are RSD. Whereas most of social anxiety described by loud and talkative "patients" are shyness issue, malignant borderliners and vulnerable narcissists who mimic social anxiety to therapist in order to be victim and get attention from them.
Problem with CBT/DSM is that these do not recognize pathological liars nor unreliable narrator phenomena - and take anything said at face value.
That is why CBT/DSM is and was used in politics an
---
YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and the Inner Critic"
CBT is therapy of ableism - it enforces NT mindset, I would not recommend it to anybody who's been through trauma, being abused in any way.
Instead - there is humanistic psychology - which is based on acceptance and validation. CBT is based on abnormality and seeking what to destroy, almost like a cancer or auto-immune disease it is CBT, attacking its own body, its own cells as if foreign enemy.
---
We set boundaries all the time - with our persona. We do not need to become hysterical malignant borderline to scream our boundaries away. Totally unnecessary.
Sometimes we are incorrect and anyone with opposing opinion will appear as rejection and attack personal to us.
---
YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)"
I think there is a difference between Emotional dysregulation and RSD - since RSD is focused, laser sharp pointing at criticism as the trigger - while Dysregulation can happen and be triggered due to for example tragic event(s) which has nothing to do with someone's trait, persona, personality - it is simply disturbing, Black Swan event.
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YT "ADHD | Emotional Hypersensitivity 😭😡"
Great information.
Until CBT.
CBT does not work, it makes things worse.
Stop and recognize - leads to micromanaging - which leads to hypervigilance. Also, it leads to labeling true abuse as hallucination and something to walk away - while in real life we can't walk away. We must face and stay with abusive people due to papers, burocracy/red tape, job, third party, money etc.
CBT is also NT approach to complex matters - which instead of helping are creating more problems.
While it is helpful to recognize emotional dysregulation and see it as recognize it as dysregulation - in real life - this will mean we distrust our brain, we distrust our intuition and we will deep down believe we cannot rely on our brain at all since it gives us these "false" alarms.
In reality - I do not think these are really false at all. In ideal world - people would care and be attentive how they treat other people and how their actions and words might affect someone. Of course, this Plato's ideal state is impossible nor realistic to become reality - I think it is important that we do not reject our brain too quickly, as CBT tries to brainwash us with NT logic.
I believe truth lies somewhere in the middle.
We need to stand by our brains, no matter how they appear difficult or disgusting or wrong to NT world. Yet in the same time, we need to accept reality and the fact that NT is majority to whom we need to adapt and that it is unreasonable to expect that all people will have empathy and ability to be patient.
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"Being ADHD is a empath! Or at least thats how I feel."
Until I learned about RSD and started to watch ADHD videos,
I would label anyone behaving in ADHD manner as highly narcissistic and without empathy.
Learning about ADHD I am radically changing my labels and diagnosis which I put on other people in order to make sense of reality. It is like realizing I had allergy and reacted to pollen (ADHD) as it was a virus (Dark Triad).
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YT "Emotions: A Commonly Overlooked ADHD Symptom"
This information about ADHD is like puzzle , missing pieces.
I scored very low on ADHD test - however whatever people are talking about ADHD on you tube I highly relate, especially to RSD.
Now this video comes and - explains it - it is the hypervigilance. That is what makes me relatable to ADHD. Hyperarousal, not being able to relax.
And this is why Will Dodson rejects Social anxiety away from RSD - because he tries to connect RSD as biological genetical brain malfunction - while in reality - RSD stems from narcissistic abuse - oppression and unfavorable Power Dynamics - which makes us hypervigilant. Narcissists are causing this disorders and instabilities and dysphoria and distortions and imagined threats - they are all stemming from narcissistic abuse and predatory types of personalities who are in authority and some kind of position where they have influence on other people.
---
(18.4.2023)
YT "How to Actually Handle Rejection"
"Would you rather end up bankrupt because your banker funded your bad idea just because you wished they would? Often rejection is actually saving you from deeper, and harder to recover from pain."
Ok, but there is flip side - where people reject due to bias, discrimination prejudices - for example in Shame Culture countries (google image to discover these).
and if you get used to it, you stop asking or initiating just because you internalize their unfair and criminal(ly insane) rejection as I am failure, inept and abnormal while in the same time other people are superior and competent and better than me - while in reality they are piece of crap that walks and talks.
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Educate yourself more about it.
You will learn that social anxiety overlaps with ADHD and Autism,
then it leads to neurodivergency concept - where social anxiety is not seen as sickness, abnormality or something to cure and suppress away - since rejection of self leads to personality disorder and toxic shame.
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"what's the name for when you are left out like people talking and laughing with eachother and not much attention on you make you feel extreme distress and anger/frustration? That's how i feel like my self idea gets destroyed when that happens."
Rejection sensitivity. Rejection sensitivity dysphoria is feeling like this all the time, Rejection sensitivity is when it is happening in the real time - just like you described it.
Not all people will like us.
In toxic ambient we learned in order to be heard we must be perfect and we must serve and be good to others - anything else was punished. This is abuse. It is complex trauma. Try to educate yourself more about it - since there is nothing you can do about it.
The only solution is education and awareness what is happening and to learn how to handle toxic people and how to avoid being toxic yourself -
If you do not know where to start - check out my Psychology videos playlist, or reddit forum.
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YT "How to Actually Handle Rejection"
As always amazing content by HealthyGamer.
I have semantics issue with English word "Rejection".
I've encountered this rejection concept in countless books about social anxiety, self esteem and any kind of emotional inhibitions - but until recently after I learned about ADHD and RSD and Autism etc - and even watching it right now - I realized that Rejection is connected with our perfectionism and inability to initiate parties or meetings or speaking with someone unknown, organizing and planning events. It is associated with ability to make new friends and new acquaintances.
For me - Rejection means a technical term in factory where product with fault is rejected and put in 2nd class category to be sold at half price. Rejection for me it connected to applying for some Universe or Lottery game - and our application paper is rejected because it doesn't have certain information which I cannot fill in later on. That is how I imagine rejection in English language - related to some boring, technical, educational or work system. I do not see it connected with personal intimate decisions and the reasons why we have no friends and why we are alone and I do not see it connected to perfectionism and inability to start any initiation or making idea real due to fear of making mistake and being criticized by someone in authority.
Since I rejected the rejection concept - I never really concentrated much on it. OR think about it or devote time to ponder about it - and then left alone without my ideas coming to fruition since I would not connect being alone with inability to make my own decisions and propose things - is actually connected with "rejection".
I think another word is needed to describe Rejection. Perfectionism and avoidance of life and ideas and initiating and innovation - that would be correct term.
If I am rejected because my idea was bad and my idea my result in some harm - I have no problem with rejection. If someone rude rejects me - and in the same time I have alternative ways to do something - I have no problem with such rejection.
I do have problem when I am rejected and I have no alternative ways to do something and depend on such person. And then the fear of asking again for the fear of being attacked, mocked - that is the problem, not the actual rejection. Someone being egocentric and unable to listen and understand or care about others - that is what I would fear, not the actual rejection.
And this is aligned with what is being said in video - with rejection issue - we are focused on reaction and action and we do not think about perception of what really is rejection. Rejection is seen as something that is happening to us - we are greedy or we want something unrealistic so we need to be humble. But - what happens when other people are greedy and abnormal and antisocial and they reject as a tool to harm and hurt others? Will be explain their intrusion, abuse, aggression and Machiavellianism as our personal fault? Something that we can change by our actions and reaction? We cannot control other people. So this rejection is connected with society in general - something that sociologist, law and police and court must handle as well to regulate the distortions in the system - such as coercive control and pathological liars.
If we are in toxic ambient, some kind of Jane Eliot Brown Eyes Exercise - the rejection in form of discrimination will be real. We won't hallucinate the teacher being mean and rude. As kids we have no power to influence or change or punish the teacher.
So - we need to know where we are, to be sure it is toxic ambient - and that we stop internalizing the abuse. Otherwise we might interpret the abuse as our own fault. That we are dumb, stupid, abnormal and that we deserve the disrespect and abuse.
In healthy environment - we need to take the responsibility and realize if we were antisocial and annoying or irritating - and obviously we need to change our ways. But I believe many empaths who are seeking honest and genuine help with rejection are already empathic and cleaned and pruned of toxic behaviour - and we are actually in toxic ambient and we take a lot of responsibility on ourselves from toxic people as if our own - which are not to take in the first place.
Changing perception explained in the video - is being scientist and Sherlock Holmes - to detect, pick up clues, see what is really happening, as if we are in a laboratory, objective, without personal bias to see reality what is happening.
This can be dangerous - when we turn to other people to explain our reality - and for example they are prone to hyper-cognition and they label unknown emotions as what they think it is - and we end up with mis-diagnosis and wrong treatment, wrong instructions how to handle certain issues. We can hear other people's explanations - but if we reject our own common sense and intuition - we will be controlled and manipulated by manipulators and toxic people who like to control others to feel good about themselves, that is how narcissists self regulate their panic chaos emotions and take advantage of their prey and targets of their abuse.
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YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and ADHD"
"Alter reframe thoughts"
This is NT approach. If rejection is real, if rejection is abuse and intrusion, based on corruption, coercive control, discrimination of all sorts - idea that we change ourselves is ableism and self abuse, and it leads to personality disorder because we don't trust our common sense and intuition, we cannot rely on our brain - since NT world explains that we are over-sensitive and have cognitive distortions.
RSD is based on being exposed to narcissistic abuse and NT corrections and discipline while we were forming our persona in early age. So it is after-effect of being exposed to disrespect and Jane Eliot type of discrimination like Brown Eyes exercise.
It would be unfair and unhealthy that now we self-pathologize ourselves for being abused by NT society.
"Rage"
Most of us went through civility norms and we actually are not anti-social and can control our Jung shadow related to violence and aggression. Unnecessary focus here on something that affects none of us who actually seek help, genuine information and spend time listening to RSD and gather facts. Violent people do not spend their time in this way to educate themselves - instead they use porn, drugs in their free time or worse.
Unless ordered by court in anger management court they will never lend their ear to listen to any kind of psychological information - or if there is some kind of hidden agenda to learn parts of Dark psychology to harm someone by gaslighting and lies.
"Discipline yourself, become best you can be"
NT.
Instead of NT bull:
We are already best we can be. We can only self actualize ourselves and allow ourselves to be who we really are.
We can layer off CBT crap and allow ourselves to unmask ourselves without fear of being mocked or bullied for being different than the norm.
Video is made 3 years ago.
RSD has no cure.
Now we know RSD is connected to anyone feeling social anxiety, too. Without them being ADHD or Autistic,
Symptoms of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
(when criticism hurts)
- Being easily embarrassed
- Heightened fear of failure
- Unrealistically high expectations for self
- Assuming people don't like you
- Avoiding social settings
- Perfectionistic tendencies
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From my experience in social anxiety- CBT did help me with panic attacks at certain level - but it failed to address toxic shame, trauma, pureOCD worries intrusive thoughts, masking, hypervigilance and mostly people pleasing and handling toxic and intrusive people and situations such as low Maslow Needs - having no shelter, and depending on corrupt system - where oppression and pathocracy are unknown in CBT. CBT instead focused on person who is abused, as if experiencing abuse is abnormal and personal choice.
What I hate the most about CBT is that it is patronizing, it gives message that feeling fear and panic is abnormal, that other people who appear without fear are all normal and sane and that we are not allowed to feel emotions, that we must stifle them down, we must label them quickly by using limited vocabulary in DSM - which leads to hyper-cognition and misdiagnosis - and it is NT approach where a certain norm is presented as valid and anything that does not comply with someone's ideology is insane and abnormal.
I see it simply like this: the only pathology is being violent and aggressive. That is disorder.
Feeling anxiety, feeling fears, feeling panic - it is not disorder, it is not something to destroy, stifle down or label and stigmatize. By doing so - we will develop personality disorder - because we won't be able to trust our own brain, our own emotions, our own thinking patterns - and then we will try to be like everyone else - when they are happy, we must be happy. When they are sad - we must fix them. When we are sad -they must fix us. This leads to codependency, it is not healthy to destroy emotions.
I am strong supporter of Anti-psychiatry movement from 1960s. It is not about declaring psychology is bad - but that we must be careful how we handle ourselves and other people, that we do not use psychology to control or manipulate - as CBT is doing. Instead the point of psychology is to give us tools - and it is on our own common sense and free will to use them in accordance to what we know is the best and the most healthy thing to do. That we become the initiators - not mere sheep with herd mentality and groupthink, mimicking others.
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In all social anxiety self help books and online articles - nobody is mentioning ADHD nor Autism nor Neurodivergency as concept.
I am neither Autistic nor ADHD - I even took test and it came out with extreme low score for ADHD. Yet - when I watch videos about Rejection sensitivity and ADHD, and Autism and Rejection sensitivity - I literally feel all those things which ADHD describe. And I am learning many concepts which social anxiety resources failed to mention at all.
Such as Neurodivergent Masking.
With these new information - all the missing puzzles are falling into place.
I have no idea why social anxiety is divided away from information about Neurodivergency & Complex Trauma, as if someone deliberately created a wall between those two concepts?
For example,
almost 90 percent of you tube videos about social anxiety, and 100 percent of medical social anxiety books will claim that Exposure is cure and tool for "destroying" and "curing" social anxiety.
While when we learn about Neurodivergency masking - we learn information that Exposing is actually Masking. It is an attempt to fit in into NT world; it is Assimilation;
Compensation = finding ways around things that are naturally difficult. Example: Forcing yourself to make eye contact with someone
Masking = hiding parts of your autism. Example = Not talking about something you are really intereste in
Assimilation = trying to fit in with everyone else so people don't notice you are different. Example: Talking to a stranger in a shop even if you don't want to
(TherapyWorks- What it Means to be Neurodiversity Affirming)
In reality - exposing will not help with social anxiety at all. It will make social anxiety functional, yet social anxiety and all uncomfortable rejection sensitivity emotions which are the core of social anxiety -will still be there. And now with social anxiety being functional - we will let RSD to grow and metastases into larger problem - since we won't know what is going on.
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YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria | Ask Coach Andrew"
Amazing info about labels and stigma.
However I came to Rejection sensitivity from the back side. It was as if it was hidden away from me. I was "labeled" more with social anxiety and self fulfilling prophecy was related to social anxiety - since I corresponded to its diagnosis - however only when I started to write blog and actually started to describe what is bugging me - I learned about Complex Trauma and eventually about RSD - and now I am learning about ADHD and Autism and Neurodivergence - and it is like missing puzzles are falling into empty spaces which social anxiety resources failed to name or describe..
For example - with social anxiety advice - there is common advice and instruction to Expose - while in reality exposure to abuse will not help with social anxiety and feeling anxiety when in contact with covert abusers. And with information about ND I learned this concept that exposure is actually Assimilation and Masking - it is unhealthy as it was in real life, social anxiety did not die away with exposure, it was worse as being isolated because:
Compensation = finding ways around things that are naturally difficult. Example: Forcing yourself to make eye contact with someone
Masking = hiding parts of your autism. Example = Not talking about something you are really interested in
Assimilation = trying to fit in with everyone else so people don't notice you are different. Example: Talking to a stranger in a shop even if you don't want to
(TherapyWorks- What it Means to be Neurodiversity Affirming)
and
Are you masking without realising?
- Not processing emotions
- Hiding or minimising personal interests
- Always thinking of the impressions you leave on people
- Bottling things up to avoid appearing "too sensitive"
- Ignoring sensory sensitivities, leading to stress
RSD information helped me because I tackled it in my blogs before I ever learned that this concept exists in the first place. I described it as Entity, Sisyphus' task, Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, wound, chasm, Charcot Hysteria. I knew it exists but I had no "scientific" medical description that would confirm that this exist.
I can now self regulate much more quickly - because when I feel threatened by rude people or someone how appears rude - I can remind myself this is RSD and I can expect body trauma to over react - and I can let it over-react. I do not constrict myself or get into intrusive worry cycle about what is wrong with me. This knowledge about RSD as concept on its own helps me paradoxically to calm myself down, that I know it is normal after-effect of being exposed to relentless criticism while growing up. I know RSD has no cure, as I knew that chasm is permanent and without cure - so I give in, I do not try to resist it and paradoxically it does not persist anymore, as Jung told us: what we resist, it persists.
"You can move on"
We can't move on when we are in unfavorable Power dynamics: at toxic job in poor country where we cannot quit. And we cannot move on when we have no money to relocate from toxic ambient. Then RSD is real and repetitive and it does not depend on our will power. We move on, but abuser will stay and stick with abuse. That is the problem - external factor.
I am talking about predatory personalities who are nitpicking our mistakes, present our mistakes as catastrophe, as something we harm others with, they often are pathological liars and they are predatory and parasites who feed on our fear and our reactions.
This is the problem - because nothing will help.
If we openly stand up for ourselves - we will either get fired, be homeless or get hurt and harmed by them since they are antisocial.
If we shut up - they will continue with abuse since they will interpret silence as green light to continue with abuse.
If we are stoic about it and be neutral - we will contribute to abuse to continue and give them power to abuse.
If we try to think our way - we will create hypervigilance.
Toxic people are like cancer of society - they create RSD in the first place (even though creator of RSD does not agree so, Will Dodson - who says that RSD is genetical, body thing).
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" I would try to keep your words away from anything that looks scary to other worldviews "
This is narcissism - inability to cope with reality. Desire that we fawn to snapshot of reality - it is delusion, delusional, it leads to paranoia, being paranoid and eventually schizofrenia.
Reality is what reality is. We cannot romanticize it away - fantasy will not help us to cope with reality.
Fantasy is not bad, but idea that we refuse reality is really bad and extremely unhealthy approach.
---
I think you are both right in the same time.
Her (Susanne S.) point is that we need to be informed and educated in order to avoid hypocognition. That is her point.
Yet in the same time hypercognition leads to stigma and misdiagnosis.
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"How can I differentiate between my projections of unresolved issues and traumas versus someone who is actually mentally ill?"
This is excellent question.
And this is something that we don't know.
This is something that philosophers notices as a great problem - from ancient Greece to the birth of modern philosophy by Descartes, Kant, Schopenhauer and others - we do not know reality, we do not know outer reality. There is no way to measure it. And even if we put it in a laboratory - it is temporary. Anything we measure can be different in the past and it can be different in the future due to complex variables from inside and from outer , external factors.
Einstein discovered this phenomena in Universe and Space with his Relativity theory - that everything is relative.
Mentally ill person can be extremely manipulative and pathological liar - so they cannot be reliable source to measure. Others can be governed by hormones and imbalances inside the brain which may or may not be connected to mental abnormalities. Some people may be in toxic ambient , toxic country and pick up toxic habits - which will completely vanish if they permanently relocate and escape toxic influence.
We are talking here about Paradox of infinity - and philosophers have discovered that the only way to cut any paradox - is to make mistake - and stick with hypothesis as if it is true. This means - we will make mistakes. We will label someone wrong, we will create certain damage eventually with quick bias and oversimplification - we are doomed to make mistakes and make fool out of ourselves by wrong conclusions and hence wrong decisions in life.
Then we need to have more understanding to annoying and irritable people who make mistakes.
Because otherwise we are depended on other people to explain us life and reality and other people. How reliable is someone else's description? Especially if they are not experts or lack experience or hasn't been in our skin to know what was happening before, they can't know.
And in the same time - if we believe ourselves only - we will be egocentric and become narcissistic.
Freud discovered the solution to this problem - and he called it SuperEgo. SuperEgo is part of our brain that handles moral and ethical issues, it is our common sense and intuition - it is build upon all our knowledge and sense of what is right and wrong, it is composed of anything we learned in school and in kindergarten and at home and within our community and media.
Problem starts if we are raised in toxic ambient where we were punished for expressing ourselves and where we were programmed to trust someone in authority and dismiss our own needs - then we won't trust ourselves at all. We will depend on other people to explain anything in life.
We are easily controlled through guilt and shame. Other people can simply nitpick our mistakes and present it as catastrophe and we will shut up, self censor, fawn and withdraw from protest - because when we are kind, nice, open, friendly, cooperative, agreeable - toxic people will take advantage of all these healthy qualities and use it against us in order to make us feel bad for our mistakes, flaws and lack of information - so that we become passive and inactive in life - then predators can get away with crime and nobody actually criticizes them, since we will be isolated and feeling depressive and ashamed and afraid all the time due to their targeted unfair and lying criticism.
I see the solution in feeding our SuperEgo - which means that we educate ourselves.
In order to detect toxic people there is 'The Hare Psychopathy Checklist - check it out on google.
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"The clashing worldviews that I'm speaking of is Narcissistic. Using wisdom dealing with those clashing views is not Narcissistic."
Reality can't clash. Reality is what is real. Objective facts, the truth. Idea or urge to refuse reality is narcissism.
You instructed Andrew to modulate his facts and objective reality in order to fit in into your fantasy beliefs. That is narcissistic fantasy. Andrew is not cult leader - he is not politician, the facts he says here are based on education and experience he has - so he is far more objective and realistic than your beliefs and personal notions which you try to impose as ultimate truth.
Don't take this as criticism, I am not attacking you. Do what you want, it is your life, your choice who you use your brain - I think it is only fair to introduce you to the other side of Rashomon Effect and feel the elephant from the all possible sides:
---
(19.4.2023)
YT "The Fear Of Conflict Is Ruining Your Life"
1) Being afraid of being "vulnerable", "fragile", "submissive" and "easy to manipulate" "Weakness" "fear" is narcissism and mental illness.
2) "It leads to "anxiety and severe depression" "- emotions are not supermarket where you choose which emotions you must feel. Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
3) "Pathetic harmless worm" - this is self abuse and deep core toxic shame which is at the centre of narcissism and other mental illnesses belonging to Cluster B personalities. Being abused in childhood you struggle with introjecting the messages from the abuser via becoming abuser yourself and then spreading trauma onto the next generation and infecting other people around you with toxic shame.
4) "Incapable of facing danger and solving problems" Police is solving crime and abusers. We are not police. Our brain is solving problems, not our fears or lack of fears. Toxic shame creates paranoid delusional world of constant battle where we are deep down worthless worm as you label it, and then you try to overcompensate by being the opposite by creating fake image of superiority. In real life - this leads to severe delusions and mild schizophrenia because there is active fantasy which appears as reality.
5) "Those acquire assertiveness" - Assertiveness is not aggressive. Google more about. Assertiveness is not about changing or attacking other people. Educate yourself more about it. Toxic shame and active delusion filters reality and keeps you trapped in narcissistic fantasy where partial information is blocked and only what you want to hear is absorbed as the only truth. This is rigid mindset, egocentrism - which is mental illness itself.
6) "Too afraid to speak up and upset others" - But who are "others". Will we upset mentally ill person? Why would we upset someone who is uncapable of processing information and data? What would be supposed goal of speaking up to someone who is having problem with processing stimuli, data and information?
7) "You avoid verbal and physical confrontation" In almost 90 percent of countries on this planet verbal and physical confrontation is crime. It is criminal activity. It can land you a prison, it can cost you money, you end up in court for these actions.
8) "In the world where the strong eats the weak" IT is more world where narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths are abused as children and now they abuse others due to deep ingrained toxic shame and mental illness caused by trauma in childhood, being exposed to constant invalidation.
9) "Difference between peaceful and harmless" - another aspect of mental illness is fusing emotional states with personality characteristics, traits and persona. This is called emotional fusion.
10) "capable of nothing" Toxic shame internalized due to exposure to childhood abuse makes you believe you are incapable. Then in order to handle this pressure you start to project this trauma onto other people, by blaming them to be incapable and weak.
11) "Weak personality" Does not exist. You make up psychology which fits your narcissistic egocentric invented fantasy world. Personality is Big 5 - it can be tested quickly and without login at many web sites. Those who are low in Agreeableness characteristics are narcissists and psychopaths. They are low in certain characteristics, there is no such term as "weak personality". You literally have active delusions going on in your mind, this is extremely dangerous. You can convince yourself that you must destroy other people due to this active delusions and fantasies which appear real to you due to unhealed trauma from childhood.
12) "Always comply, please others, never show true self" This is not because of being "weak" but due to societal pressure and neurotypical oppression on anyone who is different. Different from the norm is always mocked and punished and rejected by others, and that is the reason why they never show their true self or speak up - not because they are "weak".
13) "You must become strong" IF you stop delusional fantasies for a minute, you would notice the paradox that those people who are silent and keep peace are actually extremely strong since they endure extreme pressures from all sides. They simply do not crack up into hysterical Karen and they are stoic instead - which is also not healthy in long term.
14) "Physically strong" Overcompensation. It is based on hidden inferiority complex.
15) "Divert you to success" Our emotions have no influence on success. Being confident will not make you any much safe from harm nor attack than being low in confidence.
16) "Everybody will take advantage of your weak self" - Overgeneralization. In reality - only truly weak personalities will parasite on others since they are incapable of producing anything on their own. Read that again - parasites. Parasites do that. Parasites feed of others. Parasites. Get that into your narcissistic fantasy delusion. Normal, sane and healthy people do not exploit others. Only abnormal and criminally insane people take advantage of others because their brain is abnormal and pathetic, masked as superiority complex.
17) "Everybody fear and respect black belt guy" Overgeneralizations. People with mental illness are prone to over-generalize anything in life. All is either black or white. Mental illness.
18) "Force respect" This is called tyranny.
19) "financial and political power" This is called Pathocracy. Google it.
I know you won't educate yourself since your mental illness and egocentrism prevents you to feel trauma and keeps you mentally ill, so here is the definition of pathocracy:
"nounpolitics. DEFINITIONS1. 1. a government that is made up of people with personality disorders, such as psychopaths and narcissists."
20) "The more danger you present the more value you have" Narcissism. Mental illness. This is mild schizophrenia delusions which appear real to you, something that need medical attention and medicines.
---
YT "Overcome Fear in a Confrontation"
A lot of NT (neurotypical) useless information which does not help, only adds up to confusion and toxic shame.
Please learn more about all psychology, CBT is narcissistic crap based on pharma mafia and corrupt corporations, greed and narcissism.
You mention nothing about emotional dysregulation, ACE, pureOCD intrusive worry, complex trauma, ADHD nor autism or neurodivergence.
You mention nothing about unfavorable Power dynamics such as stuck at toxic job with mobbing ongoing.
I have no idea why physical self help course is mentioned at the end?
What are you talking about here? About street violence? If so, be specific in the title. Street violence is crime and result of corrupt state filled with mafia which supports it, it has nothing to do with confrontation.
Mafia on the state level is pathocracy, it is cancer of society, it has nothing to do with personality traits.
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YT "🛑STOP! FEARING CONFRONTATION!! 😡"
I think it is time to introduce Neurodivergency concept.
Fear of confrontation needs new definitions which are defined from neurodivergence. Concepts such as "Pleasing everyone", "social anxiety" are mediaeval terms which CBT keeps ongoing in 21st century.
"Being coward" is personality description - while fears are trauma, they are not personality characteristics as CBT promotes it.
Someone being "Bully" is a sign that state supports pathocracy, this is cancer of society - it has nothing to do with personality traits.
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YT "Comparing yourself to others can lead to self-doubt"
Basically comparing with others is officially called "External referencing locus of control" and it is caused by trauma and abuse in childhood like relentless criticism about normal daily mistakes and flaws presented as personality flaw.
We are talking here about Complex Trauma, trauma bonding which must be addressed and recovered into the light so it no longer pulls our strings while we are on auto-pilot.
Learning about Neurodivergence concepts, educating ourselves about Autism and ADHD - even though we don't have those, can help us understand plethora of unknown fears and mysterious hang ups which are hard to define.
Neurodivergency concept helps us understand that our reactions are all normal and natural response to our environment and trauma and bringing up and discipline we were faced and still emersed in right now.
Instead of blaming ourselves, instead of fixing and harming ourselves through Deficiency motivation - we can accept and validate ourselves and our responses and reactions. Once we accept and validate ourselves, we will love our self, we will build our self worth - and then we can change things which needs change, that we feel are toxic and dysfunctional.
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YT "Overcoming the 7 Most Common Obstacles to Good Communication."
If others do not bother to listen to someone this is called psychopathy and sociopathy.
It has nothing to do with anything lacking inside us such as some kind of magical skills, instead - the problem is entirely in toxic people who are abnormal and pathological.
Normal, healthy and sane people listen to others. Those who have hidden agenda of greed and parasiting and those who lack empathy have no ability to listen to others.
--
Problem with Jordan Peterson rigid mentality - is that in real life you will never beat others.
In real life - you will parasite on kind and nice people who will be able to tolerate your abuse. Instead of Rambo as you see it in your head due to confirmation bias - in reality you will be a parasite who is exploiting quiet nice people who are easy targets since they are really strong to put up with the crap in the first place. Until they learn about Karpman Drama Triangle and step outside of it.
Narcissists are cowards - they will never fight someone who is strong and equal to them. Instead they will bully and abuse someone who is calm and peaceful - and this will appear to you as if you are strong. Nope. You are a parasite. This is parasiting, you find host organism and you feed of it, as any parasite.
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TWITTER:
"Trauma can literally change how the brain functions.
And we have people out here saying shit like “let go of your past, forget about it”
Like we are TRYING…"
With the discovery of Neurodiversity I noticed my panic, fears &anxiety are similar to what ADHD and Autistic folks report - even though I am neither.
Perhaps - triggers are bringing into awareness suppressed child parts which NT society washed away through discipline?As in film:
and without knowing what is bugging us NT society will (mis)diagnose us, put quick labels, tell us to buckle up and be "strong" - which we interpret as personal defect and cowardice to overcome. All because of quick labels which are not true.
And then we end up with mask:
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(20.4.2023)
YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria Explaine"
I do not have ADHD, never been diagnosed with it. I took tests through years about disorders. I made test a few days ago - the score was extremely low in ADHD.
YET
in the same time - if I am triggered, if there are flashbacks - complex trauma, social anxiety - I feel all those things which ADHD-ers report. Also - once I read and heard ADHD-ers issues and their pet-peeves - it was like telling all things which bother me and for which I had hypocognition - inability to explain or even detect it was issue - I had them all.
Which means - RSD is caused by verbal abuse and narcissistic abuse. Narcissism is causing these issues. Medical industry tries hard to keep this information away from public - since it would mean that predatory personalities cause psychological damage in other people, like virus infection. It would mean that if this was legally recognized - many leaders, authority figures would be banned from current positions in medical industry, politics, corporations.
Narcissism and psychopathy with today's technology can be easily recognized by a mere brain scan - so they cannot cheat on tests. This is what corrupt medical industry tries to suppress away from us, and keep us being a victim and target of abuse, bullying and mobbing, like sacrificial lamb to devour.
---
Reading the comments below - and nobody mentions social anxiety in the context - yet describe it.
In the video social anxiety is mentioned as something in the background, not important.
Do you know what happens to people who seek their symptoms in books, therapy, google, you tube about fears and panic and anxiety and unknown emotions and reactions to criticism? It is labeled as social anxiety - and then anyone seeking honest help ends up with self pathologizing and toxic shame, more of rejection sensitivity. Yet nobody bothers that this mis-diagnosing is happening. Neither people, nor therapist - it is like there is humongous elephant in the room yet nobody SEE it, everybody is blind or feeling Rashomon Effect and feeling only parts of the elephant and describing their own parts.
That is the first thing which flabbergast me: that misdiagnosis is taken as ok and that people end up with personality disorder due to social anxiety explanations by CBT and DSM.
With the knowledge of RSD we can label weird reactions as normal after effect of abuse - which leads to another thing that I am baffled that nobody is talking about at all!
Another thing that people do not SEE is that RSD is the after-effect of abuse. ADHDers report it more due to constant discipline and corrections since childhood all the time - constantly being told that they are too much, in error, done something wrong or weird and it must be labeled as stupid, weird and abnormal: which is the definition of emotional and narcissistic abuse.
So anyone experiencing constant criticism 24/7 about daily life routine which includes normal mistakes - especially when we are doing something for the first time in early age when our persona was forming - this criticism is the cause of RSD. Sensitivity is genetical and hormonal and brain thing - however psychopaths, sociopaths, abuser who choose to attack others is the cause of RSD and rejection sensitivity.
---
Those who go to therapy or and read medical books about social anxiety - they end up with false and wrong and extremely detrimental advice by CBT and DSM. CBT is default main therapy for social anxiety. 90 percent of self help books and resources are based on CBT.
DSM is statistical manual which serves therapist as general guide - yet in real life what happens is that therapist mis-use this manual and through hyper-cognition they label anything that moves as disorder.
Then what happens is that someone who has social anxiety is labeled as paranoid delusional, they are explained that their mind is filled with cognitive distortions (even though all people have bias and lack of knowledge because human brain is not machine computer). CBT explains brainwashing Ludovico Technique called ABC Model - which basically explains that toxic people do not exist and if we are abused - we can quit our jobs anytime and live off air and pay rent with our poop. ABC Model also states that we can influence other people with our thoughts - by changing our thinking and suddenly other people will change - which actually leads to schizophrenia. We cannot control other people. Manipulation of other people is called coercive control and this is criminal act if proven in the court.
The most detrimental damage by CBT is that anyone seeking help with Rejection sensitivity is told that their brain is abnormal and that they must spend incredible amount of time and energy and money and focus to change the brain thinking patterns as if the way ND brain thinks is abnormal and sick.
So anyone who was abused and went through mobbing and gaslighting and exposed to psychopaths is told that their reactions to sociopaths are abnormal and must be suppressed. That anything that someone with trauma thinks and feels is abnormal and sick and must be micromanaged by monitoring thoughts and correcting them.
Which only leads to more Rejection Sensitivity since now we have internalized toxic shame that our brain is faulty and cannot lead us in life. Glasser wrote in 2003 book called Psychiatry can be detrimental to your mental health and he was correct.
Only when I discovered Humanistic psychology and when I was taught to accept myself and validate my emotions - was that I started to discover that complex Trauma exists - which CBT and DSM ban due to pharma mafia who are making huge profit out of suppressing trauma and pretending it is character deficiency and personal defect.
Only with CPTSD I learned about RSD and now I am learning about ADHD and Autism - which I previously ignored.
With ADHD I am realizing that what people are describing - are exactly what I feel and experience which I could not name nor describe it at all since I did not know it has a name or that it is a thing. I tested myself for ADHD and I had a very low score - however when dysregulated - I feel all those things which ADHD and Autistic report.
And with Complex Trauma information I learned the concept of dysregulation - CBT and DSM do not mention this exists at all. CBT and DSM say that our fears, panic and anxiety are sickness and abnormality. Which are not - it is normal to react with panic to abnormal aggressive predatory personalities around us.
And fears are not abnormal.
The only thing that is abnormal are intrusive, aggressive predators who have hidden or overt agenda to harm and cause pain to other people due to sadism or greed. That is the only sickness there is, Feeling emotions and experiencing trauma is not abnormality as CBT and DSM describe it,
CBT must be banned.
I am shocked to discover that CBT is integrated with ADHD: CBT is NT therapy. This is the same as if Jews are going to pre-1945 Nazi Germany HQ in Berlin for advice about Human rights.
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YT "ADHD, Self-Esteem, and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria"
Low self esteem is after-effect of criticism and exposure to narcissistic abuse.
I think this fact is overlooked massively by everyone:
that criticism mixed with toxic shame is pathological. Normal people do not harm other people, sadist do.
We are human detectors of psychologically abnormal psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists who need to be in mental institution or prison - yet they mimic and cover up their pathology by pretending to be "macho" "strong" "alfa" - and NT world perceived this as competence and strength, and then serial killers end up as Presidents of Russia or Tories or Republicans and then from the power positions they cause harm and torture on human kind.
I tested myself with ADHD and I got extremely low score. However whatever ADHD Autistic people report - I feel it when I am dysregulated, when I am triggered - and I am triggered by RSD: which now I know is criticism mixed with toxic shame. When I detect it as such, real or imagined - I am thrown into spiral of social anxiety panic, catastrophizing, inability to process stimuli and information around me, I miss clues and cues, I feel as in tunnel vision and ever since I learned about Complex Trauma and learn that this panic emotions are trauma reactions - now anger resurfaces too, which was buried before due to me being confused what is happening and blaming myself for feeling these unknown emotions and panic, as if I am incompetent and inept - while other people are gods and I must obey them - which helped me to regulate without being aware I was regulating myself by hating myself and leeching onto other people's views, definitions, orders, wants, needs, complaints, criticism, desires and their entitlement - in the same time.
---
4 months later and I found out more.
When we have this grudge and rancour against people who really did hurt us and who were without any doubt negative experience and we experienced negative impact with them - it is actually a sign we do not trust ourselves. We depend on other people to explain us how to handle things in life and how to handle difficult people - just like your question
"how to let go that your parent are not qualified that they made ur life miserable"
Well, we need to learn about neurodivergence concept and it will start to make sense.
When we trust ourselves - when we accept our emotions, reactions, feelings, experiences as they are - without blaming anyone - we will notice that other people no longer have power to hurt us on this deep level as they did in the past.
In NT world (neurotypical) we are explained that our emotions, feelings, reactions, anxieties, fears, panic - are abnormal and we must feel happy and without negative emotions. This suppression is not healthy. It does not make us strong, as it tries to explain as the reason why we must repress our negative emotions. Instead we get stuck with grudge and anger and worry.
When we realize that we actually embrace and accept our worries, pain, hurt, anxiety, fears, all our uncomfortable emotions - parent will no longer hold power over us.
And CBT will no longer make us trapped into micromanaging our life by giving us wrong explanations how to handle life and feelings.
---
(21.4.2023)
The important information which is never mentioned is that toxic people do exist. Toxic ambient really exist. IT is not our imagination, it is not our hallucination.
Victims / targets of abuse will also develop RSD. When CBT explains us that we are imagining the abuse and that we need to change ourselves and our thinking - which is not sick nor abnormal - this will end up as personality disorder and toxic shame, deep self hatred.
In the end - we are the ones who end up being ashamed and labeled and stigmatized and faulty and abnormal - while narcissists stay on the side and nobody is focused on their psychopathy nor abuse.
---
I dunno. The video message is that we are imagining the criticism and that we are "over-sensitive".
I am not sure that this is absolute truth.
Many covert narcissists, communal narcissists especially - will use medical diagnosis as a shaming tool and tool to censor the arguments, truth and objectivity. We are expected to shut up because they will claim that they have "hard time to process information" as if we are "dumping" information on them - so they will use psychological concepts which describe after-effects of narcissistic abuse as narcissistic abuse and to disable whistleblowers.
Then we will end up with belief and blame and shame that we are effected by "tiniest" mistakes - while in reality it is toxic people who are blaming us for tiniest mistakes but we simply automatically take on the blame ourselves as if we are too sensitive.
I think we need to step back and see what happens when our RSD is triggered.
Who is the person who was or is involved in triggers and flashbacks and "over-reaction".
We need to pay attention and really focus and "diagnose" and inspect the person(s) who were connected to our RSD.
I think in 99 percent of cases - if we are older than 15 years old - that our triggers are connected with someone who is either narcissistic malignant OR someone who is uneducated or in low emotional IQ with low social skills - and we simply take on the blame on ourselves for us being the cause of drama and hysteria - while in reality - we are simply reacting to idiots around us. :D
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YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and ADHD - Could This Have Made It Worse?"
I dunno.
I would say it is narcissistic abuse and dealing with someone who is child trapped in adult body, low emotional iq.
If we are reasonable adults, if we understand egocentrism and if we are empaths and have knowledge and education - and yet feel RSD - it is clear sign we are inside toxic ambient.
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YT "HOW DO YOU TREAT REJECTION SENSITIVE DYSPHORIA?? #Drsasha #adhd #shorts"
NT approach to destroy and suppress anything which appears different.
If we medicate our reactions to toxic and abusive people we will end up with partner who is pooping in our bed, physically assaulting us and planning covert agenda to accuse us of being rapist and destroy our movie career by public shaming.
Sometimes our RSD is real and sometimes toxic people are the cause of real rejection - it is not always our imagination, hallucination or being "too sensitive".
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1) DBT is part of CBT. DBT is third wave of CBT.
2) I have no idea why anyone with ADHD would do anything with CBT? CBT is therapy of ableism. CBT is NT therapy.
This is like Jew going to Nazi HQ before 1945 in order to ask about Human Rights issues.
CBT is diagnosing anything which moves as disorder and something to suppress and destroy as abnormal.
Which can be a great problem if we are in toxic ambient, when we are abused, when there is ongoing narcissistic abuse which is covert and blamed on us through heavy gaslighting.
---
I have weekly day-to-day theme you tube search in order to avoid Confirmation bias and Availability heuristics trap.
For example my weekly you tube search is;
Monday: Social anxiety
Tuesday: panic attack
Wednesday: fear of confrontation
Thursday: feeling guilty
Friday: intrusive thoughts.
All days: Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
The list was far greater but I cut it short to save on time. :D
---
YT "#13. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD)"
I see RSD like this:
It is caused by being exposed to relentless criticism in childhood, in toxic ambient and with narcissistic abuse being crucial component: where person or a group is telling to the target repeatedly that actions, words are wrong and abnormal, through mocking or temper tantrums, anger or any kind of invalidation. It is chronic to the point the intrusion becomes brainwashing and gaslighting. Now any criticism will feel painful.
I do not think that imagined rejection/criticism exists.
Firstly, (1)
At certain level - the perpetrator or instigator of criticism is lacking social skills and or empathy - and this is detected immediately. The problem with NT world is inability to grasp Sorites Paradox and Fuzzy logic.
For example I use Duolingo to learn new languages and there is option to play it slower - and even though the voice is recorded and robotic - it feels shameful when the voice talks in slow manner - since it appears as mocking, which many of us have experienced by toxic people and bullies when we did not understand something.
OR if we learn how to play instrument, there is option to play it slow - if will feel like mocking and making fun of the learner. And it is not - since we are interacting with program, means no emotions, no hidden agenda to hurt or mock us.
Secondly (2)
I would say this is still rejection - in the sense it is trauma stuck inside our body due to previous mocking. IT resonates and repeats itself. This way, rejection is real. The trigger itself is not real - however the trauma is real. CBT does not recognize Complex Trauma and this is problem for anyone who was abused - since CBT will explain trauma as cognitive distortion and that is unfair, to say the least.
This amount of rejection is caused by narcissistic abuse. It is not genetical nor biological - otherwise it would be widespread, it would be detected earlier. Abuse depends on narcissists and the person how one process the abuse, and at what degree the abuse is happening.
With the CBT - abusers are always left aside and pathology is always on the victims /targets of abuse.
I don't think we are not focusing enough onto abusers as we should. This way it appears as if we are guilty for feeling reactions for being abused.
.---
(22.4.2023)
This is interesting, thanks, good to know the background.
I did encounter the term Rejection much prior to 2016 and I totally ignored it - since English is not my primary language and I do not live in English speaking country - so "rejection" for me meant not to be chosen for grammar school soccer/basketball play - which is not much of a loss for me personally due to I hate both of these sports to play.
With RSD I learned it meant toxic criticism also - and now the puzzle fits.
I started to wrote blogs about social anxiety - and before I learned about RSD I actually was describing it in my blog.
I called it "Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde", "chasm", "wound", "entity", "Sisyphus' rock".
In my blogs I also came to the conclusion like Dodson that there is no cure for RSD and I agree with him.
Not as a way of pessimism or catastrophe - but completely the opposite:
once we accept what we cannot control we can shift our focus away from nitpicking and fixing ourselves - and then in turn focus on our triggers.
I believe in grown people who have went through education about psychology and philosophy, and after they learned about egocentrism and emotional regulation - they will understand that our deepest RSD triggers when they happen - are only and exclusively related to toxic people.
And that is something we can control - by not controlling or alarming them, depending on the situation.
And that is workaround scenario for RSD. This way RSD can be "Cured" or "overcame" - but it will happen again when we experience narcissistic abuse or intrusion of any kind. Therefore RSD does not depend on our brain - we are only reacting to uncontrollable social element around us.
That's how I see it.
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"to retrain my neuropathways"
If you were abused, there is nothing to retrain.
This after affect of abuse and being abused is a wound, it is not abnormality nor disorder.
If we see perceive it as something to retrain, we will develop personality disorder and more additional trauma of self pathologizing and self abuse, the exact the same invalidation which was inside original trauma experience.
That is why CBT is so dangerous - CBT does not explain this. Instead CBT joins into hysteria of abuse and calls it "healing".
---
YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: Dr. William Dodson brings new insight to Emotional Regulation"
Great topic. It is still in infancy and many people who are struggling with RSD have no idea this is happening and that it has a name.
Dr Dodson said:
"They think differently, they process emotions differently, experience world differently. That's where they get into a lot of trouble, is they tell themselves that they are wrong to be different. Because the world tells them they're wrong to be different."
I would focus on this part.
RSD is experienced by everyone who went through narcissistic abuse experience, any kind of toxic interaction over long period of time - bullying, mobbing, verbal abuse - where exit was not appliable/viable option.
I am talking about trauma and abuse. Being exposed to toxic person who constantly criticizes others, all the time 24/7 - it will end up as RSD.
And here is the problem -
anyone who is not officially diagnosed nor showing any signs of ADHD and Autism - will actually display traits of distressed ADHD or Autistic person where it is impossible to process stimuli - due to triggers of abuse and toxic people around them triggering trauma.
Then they will google their symptoms or read articles, self help books - and they all will tell them it is social anxiety.
This part is where Dr Dodson gets it wrong. He claims that social anxiety is not RSD because "Social anxiety has no post mortem rumination." Well - they have. Socially anxious worry before the event, during the event and after the event. Almost 90 percent of self help books about social anxiety report this.
And this is huge problem because self help books, google nor CBT does not make any connection between social anxiety and neurodivergency - it is like the link is broken, like if there is some kind of invisible barrier or a wall that is preventing medical community to make this connection - and then socially anxious are mislabeled and misdiagnosed by CBT and DSM as having hallucinations.
Which Dr Dodson now claims as ADHD as well, he said:
"They have to own it, this was distorted perception on my part. And they have to rework their whole relationship with other human beings. To them it was all they'd ever known before. They never questioned it that's the world is. Well maybe it's not."
I would disagree with him.
There are real abuse and real toxic people who are triggering RSD.
Toxic people, narcissists, predatory types of personalities aggressive ones - they wear mask, they appear friendly, especially communal narcissists, covert narcissists - and they present themselves as victims only to abuse other people - and the targets of abuse will take on the blame due to society message to correct and improve oneself and never blame other people for problems which appear as personal.
Well toxic people only needs to criticize and find faults with someone who is sensitive or different - and target of abuse will really believe that there is hallucination of hysteria and panic. While in reality - it is toxic person who is instigating the abuse, the initiator. Perpetrators of abuse use coercive control and they are pathological liars, they are extremely crafty at manipulation and using double binding against their targets:
where anything in life, any action can be labeled as mistake and flaw and something bad and negative.
This way someone with high moral and ethical standards can become slave to someone who simply pulls the string of "You've done this bad" "You are incompetent" "You made mistake" again and again.
This part of narcissistic abuse is overlooked by Dr Dodson.
---
"We can heal in part by creating healthy boundaries"
As I understand Dr Dodson and he talks about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - and which CBT is trying to explain to anyone with social anxiety: is that the first and ultimate thing we as so called "being too nice" people we need to accept and validate ourselves.
And this self love, this self validation, self acceptance is itself the boundary.
We do not need to show teeth as Jordan Peterson is claiming in his narcissistic messages to create fake persona of superiority.
Nope.
All we need to is discover Neurodivergency concept - and accept our caprices, perks, quirks, particularities which the world and society labels as "too nice" or whatever stigma label they threw on us to become part of herd mentality and groupthink conformism Stepford wives who are Karen when angry and spend free time as a group pattern.
It is about embracing our uniqueness and differences - trying not to fit in -
and magically we won't be "too nice" anymore, we will simply be ourselves - without orders or commands about who we must be or how we are suppose to be and act in life.
---
"My family dynamic caused me to become socially inverted. I fought from year 1 to feel normal.
After 48 years I found the courage to block all and start anew… the best decision ever!"
Yep!
You got it.
Thank you!
This is extremely complex to anyone who is not educated in psychology, many people who read this will interpret in the wrong way.
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria concept explains it in easy fashion.
It is connected to neurodivergency.
We are not told about this concept.
I've read millions books about social anxiety - none of them explained it, none of them even mention that there is overlap in symptoms of Autism and ADHD with social anxiety.
Instead - being too nice, or social anxiety is explained as sickness and something we must be strong enough to endure - as if we are cowards for being too nice or feeling social anxiety.
And then we end up feeling scared of everything because of hypercognition - labeling anything different as abnormality and sickness to cure.
With quick labels we never have time to see that being too nice and having social anxiety is not sickness at all. That there is nothing abnormal - and it stems from toxic people and trauma from the past.
It has nothing to do with our brain, our thinking patterns, there is nothing to fix, we do not need to build anything, we do not need to waste time on fixing ourselves nor looking how we appear or what we must speak. We learn all these throughout our lives from school, work, media, daily life. We are not blocked. The inability to process stimuli - which appears as "sickness" stems from toxic people, narcissistic abuse which is always covert and we take on the blame on ourselves - and then end up panicked, worried and feeling inept and abnormal.
---
"survival mechanism active 24/7"
This is ADHD.
---
(24.4.2023)
YT "The Key To OVERCOMING Social Anxiety!"
"wave of anxiety, feel like people look at you - talk about you"
This is due to trauma, due to previous negative experiences in social situations such as bullying, shaming, put downs.
This is also Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
"social anxiety is to protect us from rejection"
Social anxiety is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, you even use rejection word.
"this rejection trais has remained"
Rejecition is not trait. You are fusing emotions with personality, persona, personality character and characteristics.
This is extremely dangerous since it can lead to personality disorder: where we distrust ourselves and we start to build fake narcissistic image of superiority for the purpose of not be rejected.
"Often feel judged all the time"
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
"This is caused by Attentional Biases"
This is caused by bullying, put downs, abuse, ableism, convergent society trying to correct and discipline divergent mind.
"Focus on certain things while ignoring others"
This is ADHD - which is also associated with social anxiety and rejection. ADHD is not lack of attention but being super focused on certain attention.
"If you are anxious you will find hard about anything than idea that people are judging you"
Convergent ableist society DOES judge divergent people. The judgement is real. This is not hallucination.
Dodson (doctor who discovered RSD) have said:
'Sometimes the criticism and rejection is imagined but not always. ADHD researchers estimate that by age 12 children with ADHD get 20,000 more negative messages about themselves than other kids their age and all that criticism can take toll on their self esteem.'
"You brain will be super focused on social signals around you"
ADHD.
"And your interpretations of those signal will most likely be negative"
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
Interpretations which are in most cases real. Convergent ableist society regards anyone who thinks or acts differently as a threat, sickness to cure and discipline, teachers especially.
Idea that we ignore negative and toxic people will lead to codependency and belief we are really abnormal and that we must correct something inside our brain. Neurodiversity is not sickness - it is simply different than the ableist convergent society.
Idea that we need to overcome this leads to personality disorder and depression and plethora of mental imbalance symptoms. You are contributing to this convergent ableism by making videos "To overcome social anxiety", please stop it.
"Spotlight effect"
RSD, ADHD really.
"Whenever you start feeling anxious outside you can remind yourself.."
This leads to OCD. Any ritual reaction to anxiety leads to OCD.
You are making people sick by wrong advice and misdiagnosis.
Any reaction to anxiety leads to hypervigilance and it signals our brain that we are abnormal while other people are "normal". They are not, and we are not abnormal for feeling anxiety. Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
"Flip and become more of others in social interactions"
This leads to codependency.
"Which brings us to sponsors"
You are making money on people with anxiety. Great narcissism and Machiavellianism here. You need video to improve psychopathy and sociopathy tendencies which you hide by bullying HSPs.
"Cognitive restructionism, this is when you question beliefs which cause anxiety"
This leads to toxic shame and destruction of self worth and personality disorder - because we believe now our brain is abnormal and that our brain is hallucination.
Please stop making videos like this, you are making extreme psychological damage to ADHDers and HSPs.
"Exposure therapy"
Will not work. It will result in re-traumatization and creating Defense mechanisms - since you instructed people with CBT crap to believe their brain is abnormal.
Use logic - how can you rely on your brain and decisions when you previously said that we need to monitor our thoughts and write them down and change them all the time?
Concepts to learn:
---
Chances are fear is correct, ableist society will quickly judge intelligent, sensitive people, anyone who is slightly different.
---
...and then you end up with masking, hypervigilance and OCD - since you monitor your thoughts which are naturally reacting to people's judgement of neurodivergent people.
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" that's why I got rid of social media that way my brain would be hungry for social interactions"
This working methods and half functional techniques is a concept called Functional Social anxiety.
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety in private while on his job he performed in front of billions of people. Prince, too. Whitney Houston, too. They all ended in tragedy due to misdiagnosis of their neurodivergent mind which ableist society attacks all the time.
Neurodiversity describes the idea that people experience and interact with the world around them in many different ways; there is no one "right" way of thinking, learning, and behaving, and differences are not viewed as deficits.
What is neurodiversity? - Harvard Health
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Problem with these CBT quick techniques are that they are not explaining that you have self worth and that you shift your focus away from external referencing (good or unkind people) onto yourself so that your primary focus is internal - or it is called intrinsic values, to be focused on your goals in life, what makes you happy.
CBT instead explains that our brain is abnormal and that we must monitor our brain all the time - and this leads to hypervigilance, OCD and ableism - where we deny and suppress our thoughts. Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
---
"I still have no idea how to overcome my social anxiety. Knowing all this just isn't enough."
👍
Since this is not social anxiety. CBT is misdiagnosing us with convergent mindset.
Social anxiety is mixture of Complex Trauma, being exposed to ableist's society/societal attacks, ADHD, Autism, neurodivergent mindset.
There is nothing wrong with us. We are conditioned by ableist society to hate ourselves and that we change our way of life to crap fit into groupthink, herd mentality and conformism which works for most of sheep.
---
We don't need to remember anything.
If we have fears, apprehensions - these are all learned conditioned programmed fears - fear can be conditioned into us.
Freud discovered this as he studied Charcot Hysteria - but ableist CBT and DSM are suppressing this information down so that corrupt medical mafia industry can make money on our forgotten trauma.
---
Social anxiety is CBT's misdiagnosis for ADHD, Autism, Complex Trauma, Neurodiversity. CBT is keeping information away from us and it is filling us with ableist crap.
Julien is teaching us to de-program CBT misdiagnosis and to accept ourselves as we are - without any diagnosis - being neutral, truly ourselves, genuine self without stigma, attack or proving ourselves to others who we are through labels.
---
YT "Living With SOCIAL ANXIETY! ⚠️"
We are afraid of other people due to trauma, bullying, mobbing and constant correction and discipline and ableist society judging our ways of thinking and working and acting.
So this part is not hallucination.
Rejection was real, and it is real. Ableist society is patronizing anyone who is different in any way possible.
Kind, nice, sensitive, normal, healthy, empathic people will never appear scary to anyone.
Only those who have narcissistic spots and feel insecure about themselves so they over-compensate by acting strongly - feel inferior inside and we pick up this mask BS as fear. So once again - social anxiety is not hallucination. Social anxiety is misdiagnosis and hypercognition, throwing quick labels and misdiagnosis on anything that moves, as ableist society does and teaches us to think that wrong and detrimental way.
---
You simply developed Neurodivergent Masking.
You don't explain what will happen when you meet someone intrusive who triggers Complex Trauma symptoms, someone abusive, Machiavellian, covert communal narcissists (someone who appears friendly and nice but exploits you), aggressive narcissist malignant - who is pooping in you bed and sues you for defamecy?
---
YT "The 5 signs of social anxiety #socialanxiety #anxiety #mentalhealth"
"super self conscious, fear regular social situations avoid them as much, replay social interacitons, digestive issues, excessive sweating.
"
These are all ADHD, Autism and Complex Trauma. Combined together : that is true Social anxiety.
Ableist CBT is misdiagnosing us with hypercognition - by labeling anything which moves.
---
"Let’s not forget that social anxiety can be part of cptsd and neurodiversity or we can have all of the above
"
There is no money in telling people true cause.
Pharma mafia is making too much profit from hiding trauma and neurodiversity away and suppressing it, so that sheep spends money on plastic surgeries of one's personality.
---
"Just wanted to add social anxiety is a common misdiagnosis for high masking autism. Dreading social situations can be because many autistics are bullied. Autistics also might dread the impending sensory overload. Replaying interactions over and over can be because we are trying to work out social rules and prepare scripts for the next time. Autistics often have digestive issues."
👍
Pharma mafia and CBT doesn't want the truth to be spread. Money profit lies in misdiagnosing social anxiety as hallucination.
---
And if someone is talking about social anxiety, the first pit stop is to take ACE test to check for Complex Trauma issues.
ACE test is online, quick, without login required.
But CBT is ignoring trauma, ADHD, Autism, neurodivergency away from socially anxious due to money profit, making money on people's neurosis and trauma.
---
YT "What Is Social Anxiety?"
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma, ADHD, Autism and Rejection Sensitivity misdiagnosed as personality flaw and lack of social skills due to ableist society.
---
"
I don't get it... that's how you're supposed to respond. "You as well" is correct, it's proper."
Who is ordering what is correct?
Who is the person who is setting standards about what is correct? And who is enforcing those rules?
---
(25.4.2023)
YT "Exercise for Panic Attack"
Any reaction to anxiety in a form of ritual leads to OCD.
Anxiety is not body mind issue contained comparted inside. Anxiety stems from toxic people triggering it.
Narcissistic abuse covered up as service or help.
---
YT "Episode 19: ADHD And Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)"
"Diagnostic criteria is for researchers. it is not for patients. DSM deals with things which can be seen by observer. Emotion is hidden. People rarely come out and talk about what is wrong, “people will think I'm nuts”."
Dodson talked also about this at ADD you tube channel about RSD. This information that emotions are banned in DSM actually explains a lot -
Those who were traumatized are always pathologized for feeling emotions by CBT & DSM.
CBT& DSM have no idea of concept called Sorites Paradox - which is Fuzzy logic. CBT & DSM perceive the world and life through black and white thinking - because they apparently removed emotions from DSM.
The result is cognitive distortion of BW thinking, and in trauma this concept is called Splitting - where there are only extremes visible - and nothing in between. Then we copy paste this into our life - and we start to think in black and white since unconsciously we are told by mental industry this is apparent "healthy" thing to do, since manual is like Volcan from Star Trek, without emotion. The ultimate result is that CBT and DSM lead to mental illness and ableism. Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
Second problem is CBT and DSM - without acknowledging emotions so that their observer research is in line with their own expectations - leads to another huge problem - called Unreliable Narrator.
CBT and DSM take words spoken by others for granted, as ultimate truth and something to pathologize and sort and label and stigmatize as soon as it is spoken out.
This inability to realize that some people have no idea what they feel, some have no words to describe what they feel (alexithymia), some people are immersed in toxic ambient (as explained in video 17:40 by women being gaslight by her mother) so much that they have no idea to describe or recognize what is toxic at all until they get education about narcissism, and some people are pathological liars and use lies as mean to get their hidden agenda met - CBT and DSM totally ignore all these and take spoken words for granted.
Then this happens:
in 1990s CBT researched social anxiety which was called back then as social phobia. They totally overlooked that most of people who responded to their research were narcissistic and shy people who were not paralyzed by any social unknown contact - which is social anxiety itself. So researchers got input about social anxiety from people who are not socially anxious - they only had social inhibitions which mimic social anxiety.
Then CBT and DSM ended up with social anxiety wrong conclusions. And wrong conclusions.
Truly socially anxious people have RSD, they are highly empathic, quiet, "pushovers" and they self sensor themselves, there is a lot of autism traits too which are simply masked and covered away by techniques promoted by society and DSM - so they are not easily visible- And since it is not visible DSM gets distorted.
DSM must be banned along with CBT.
These are two evils which are making mental illness worse, not helping with it.
What happens with person who was exposed to bullying, trauma - they google or seek their symptoms and google and DSM will tell them they have social anxiety.
Then all medical resources about social anxiety are filtered through CBT - which says that toxic people do not exist and all painful experience was hallucination. Which is not true at all. CBT will then force ABC method to brainwash anyone who is already brainwashed by narc abuse as reaction to abuse is problem and we must change our explanations to crap fit into abuse. Also CBT forces ableism through explaining trauma and being abused as cognitive distortions - which leads to personality disorder - because abused person will start to self blame, self pathologize and dismiss real solid personal experience as hallucination.
Glasser wrote in 2003 book called Psychiatry can be detrimental to your mental health - and he was correct.
21:08
"RSD can often be misdiagnosed as social phobia"
RSD is social anxiety. These two things are one of the same.
Due to faulty research from 1990s, CBT and DSM based social anxiety diagnostic on people who were not feeling social anxiety at all.
This is why Dodson and CBT co incorporated dismiss connection between RSD and social anxiety.
21:10 "With social phobia there is intense anticipatory fear"
"With RSD the pain occurs after real or perceived loss approval, love or respect"
This is Dodson explanation which is simply not true.
Social anxiety has post-mortem - it is documented in books, any socially anxious person will confirm it. Except shy people and narcissists whom served as reference point for CBT and DSM.
Truly socially anxious people are so afraid of rejection - that they go along with CBT and DSM lies and wrong conclusions so that they say it is ok, it is as you say it. Researches are putting words into socially anxious, they are messing up with the research. Observer paradox is going on here.
Social anxiety is anxiety that occurs before the event, during the event and especially after the event in the form of rumination, pureOCD, worry, intrusive thoughts.
Social anxiety and RSD are one and the same. Dodson and CBT DSM try to suppress this information since social anxiety is whistleblower that CBT and DSM are faulty mechanisms and they need to be banned.
CBT and DSM handle and "manage" or try to manage social anxiety through discipline and self pathologizing. CBT explains social anxiety as imagined, as hallucination. This way CBT and DSM through self help books and online resources and through CBT therapists have made the greatest blunder in psychiatry history - they made socially anxious people mentally unstable by giving misdiagnosis and wrong treatment through wrong instructions how to handle social anxiety and through wrong descriptions about social anxiety. And all this because "emotion" was banned in DSM.
Someone needs to be responsible for this, this will end up in major law suits, someone deliberately promoted and kept wrong treatment of social anxiety ongoing for their vanity and narcissism, own mental illness which they mimicked and hide away to stay in that position and management money income seat.
21:25 "RSD episodes don't last very long when you compare them to depression"
This is not true.
Even at Dodson You tube channel ADD - there is Sharon Saline, PsyD who said herself that she remembers the events which happened 20 years ago as if they occurred yesterday - she talked about some weekend sport soccer meeting where other mothers rejected her company. She claims that she remembers everything in the detail , who wore what. Anyone with RSD will confirm this - that they do remember details and they are triggers for Complex Trauma (which is banned by CBT and DSM, while CPTSD is recognized as real concept by WHO's ICD-11).
My own personal take about RSD, from social anxiety perspective - is that RSD is caused by being exposed to relentless criticism 24/7 in childhood - it is listening to constant nitpicking all the time, about innocuous errors and flaws by someone who is narcissistic and in authority, someone undiagnosed with their own issues - and this confirms that emotions are highly contagious and that narcissism is sickness which can infect others, like viral disease.
The exposure to toxic critical parenting leads to social anxiety, perfectionism, RSD later in life.
And we can test this easily - there is ACE test available online, it is quick, it requires no login.
Exposure to criticism destroys self worth and without self worth we will develop all kinds of neurosis and issues with people pleasing and perfectionism.
CBT cannot help because CBT is therapy of ableism. CBT is part of 20,000 negative messages by the age of 12 which Dodson talked about.
CBT is part of this critical parenting, invalidation and self-pathologizing where anything different is labeled as disorder which only leads to self prophecy.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic psychology - which is laser sharp focused on things anyone traumatized needs to build self worth: self validation, self acceptance.
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YT "Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. RSD is a symptom of ADHD & makes regulating emotions difficult."
44:30 "Fight, flight or Freeze"
There is also fourth F called Fawn,
and it is crucial in understanding what society labels as "people pleasing" or "being pushover".
Fawning is usually left out by CBT and DSM and many people are left with self blame, believing ableist society there is some button that must be pressed in order to stop people pleasing. Trauma responses are not choices. They are conditioned, learned, programmed, defense mechanisms and have their purpose as reaction to trauma and abusive personalities.
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(26.4.2023)
It's great you no longer struggle with physical symptoms - however social anxiety is not only physical symptoms.
Chances are - you never had social anxiety at all.
You had shyness, you had physical panic issues - perhaps agoraphobia who knows?
Selective mutism is a sign of Autism spectrum. Obviously you were in toxic ambient - which is quickly resolved by people moving and relocating away.
But what happens when people are poor and cannot relocate not expose?
What happens when there are plethora of toxic people at another location - if one lives in Shame Culture society?
Then panic symptoms will remain.
Social anxiety is ultimately fear of criticism. If you do not believe me - check out the official description of social anxiety.
Social anxiety revolves around toxic people who are intrusive or who appear intrusive.
Social anxiety is therefore social+anxiety, it has social element inside it.
Social anxiety is not called self+anxiety.
Social anxiety is not your parents of your toxic brother. That is dysfunctional family.
Social anxiety is society - group of people in external world - whom we cannot control or run away from and whom will not change if we appear "happy" or "assertive" or "strong".
Toxic people cause social anxiety - them being violent, rude, intrusive, toxic, manipulative, controlling.
Since you do not mention how you handle criticism and rude and controlling people - chances are you haven't had social anxiety at all.
Perhaps you live in small town and chances to meet someone toxic is really small - and then your social anxiety symptoms will appear extinguished - only to come back if you relocate in some toxic large community.
What then?
Social anxiety can be easily functional and masked - all until we encounter mobbing, bullying, abuse in real life - narcissistic abuse is usually covert and manipulators, predators always mask their aggression and they are very successful in blaming their target - nitpicking their mistakes..
You do not mention how you handle your errors, mistakes nor flaws - so this is another clue that you never had social anxiety at all.
And this is a great problem - because due to hypercognition - you label your symptoms as social anxiety, which you never had to begin with, then you handle phobia by exposure - and then you spread the message that exposure works to truly socially anxious people.
What happens next is that truly socially anxious people have issues which are covert and they are not connected wit being strong or coward and there is no need to face fears as you instruct them - since social anxiety is plethora of brain issues and concepts such as Complex Trauma (where the fear is conditioned - which is not resolved by exposure since exposure will lead to re-traumatization), ADHD, Autism and Rejection Sensitivity - these are all covert spectrums of social anxiety which society nor CBT medical industry does not mention.
Instead - there is idea that socially anxious people must be strong. This "advice" makes social anxiety worse.
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YT "Confront Your Fears"
"To act in spite of fears is key to happiness and success"
Says who?
This is extremely wrong, incorrect and misleading information.
People who have issues with fears - is neurodivergency. This is not sickness and it does not get solves by being "strong". If we label our fears as disgusting and something to destroy and shame away - we will develop personality disorder.
This is why psychology is meant for psychology, not for religion or amateurs.
People who confront their bully bosses get fired in real life.
This is ok in New York or LA - but many people do not live in successful thriving economy where another job is easy to find.
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This Rejection concept will make many people aware that they actually have ADHD and Autism which was masked in childhood - and now we struggle with plethora of unknown emotional issues - due to CBT's approach of destroying anything which does not comply to ableism and NT world.
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YT "Overcoming past mistakes and one way to know you have"
I would rather focus on people who nitpicked our mistakes, blamed us for normal regular errors, who made us feel incompetent & unworthy and stigmatized because of these mistakes, people who are criticizing others do this to manipulate and hurt and control their targets - the easiest way is to present someone's mistakes as catastrophe - and we believe them. This is called brainwashing, hypnotizing, gaslighting - and it is part of manipulation and control, predatory types of personalities present themselves as god like figure while they blame others for not being perfect - which in real life no one can be perfect.
Then instead of being focused on toxic people and expel them from our lives - we take on the blame and feel wrong all the time and become slaves to predators by our own moral and ethical standards.
Errors are part of life - if we do everything to avoid them - that is the best we can do. No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. People who claim differently are predators and toxic and manipulative.
Instead of blaming ourselves - when we make mistakes- we need to observe toxic people who make drama out of them - and if possible - leave toxic people, they will harm our psychological balance and create plethora of disorders which we will blame ourselves for.
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"if you do it right, it works. healed me!"
This is extremely detrimental message.
It worked for you because you never had social anxiety in the first place.
Now when you explain to truly socially anxious traumatized victims of abuse that they need to spend countless money, time, focus, energy on seeking some magical way how to handle emotions and panic - you are misleading them to develop personality disorder - because you explain them that 1) their emotions, reactions are abnormal and something that must be stifled - which only leads to mental illness as Jung said and 2) that they must conform to ableism and neurotypical society - which will only lead to endless secondary social anxiety, fear of being different.
But if you only had a fully operational brain - you would override your egocentrism and actually see that if there is actual secret mechanism how to "overcome" social anxiety - that this secret tool would be long time ago hacked. I doubt that you are smarter than millions of psychiatrist, laboratory researchers, philosophers, sociologists around the world who are studying and monitoring social anxiety.
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YT "Why People Take Advantage Of You (How to make it stop)"
A lot of misinformation here.
1:38 "You don't have defined boundaries"
Here there is detrimental message that we are somehow guilty for some predator being mentally ill psychopath or simply being jerk or criminally insane.
When we get idea that we need to change our mind - we won't make boundaries. Instead - we will create mental illness, personality disorder and depression - since we will nitpick our natural brain.
2:49 "You don't stand up for yourself"
Another BS. In real life, when we stand up for ourselves -we will get fired. Loss of job is not problem in New York or if we live in LA - however if we live in toxic poor country ambient - loss of job means not being able to pay the rent and then it means being homeless.
3:30 "You don't feel good enough"
IF we are poor - we won't feel actualized. Maslow discovered this 100 years ago. Yet internet gurus prefer to spread self pathology and self blame - Deficiency motivation will never work in real life.
If we are in dysfunctional toxic ambient - we won't feel good. This is not because something is wrong with our brain- and nothing we can do will change other people. If we listen message that we seek ableist CBT "help" which only spread similar message of ABC technique - where the main instruction is to change and nitpick our brain - as I said - this leads to personality disorder. We cannot change other people with our thoughts - believing this will lead to schizophrenia.
This is example why self help and psychiatry is bad for mental health.
5:34 "In healthy relationship receive same energy"
Yeah and in Disney movies good always win. But we do not live in Just world - and it is highly dangerous to live in fantasy.
6:45 "Realize your worth"
Realizing worth will not happen if we are told that we change our thinking and label our reactions as abnormal. That is paradox which is not explained in the video nor by default CBT.
7:47 "Draw the line between acceptable behaviour. Don't let your optimism blind you"
So...?
8:46 "Learn how to express properly"
Again, the self help message here is that our brain is abnormal and that we lack some magical skills how to repel toxic people. We don't. Problem is in toxic people, not in being a good and kind person. Toxic people abuse others because they are toxic. There is nothing in the world we can do to prevent someone's hidden agenda or terrorist attack. Here the message of video is extremely damaging - it is telling us that we are always guilty if something bad happens. As if we thought or acted in wrong way and that is the reason why we were taken advantage of. Which is crap and lie. We are not responsible for toxic people nor their actions. Toxic people are manipulators, they are pathological liars and we cannot absolutely do nothing to stop them that is withing legal and ethical and moral limits. The video here only introjects guilt and shame into us, that we must self pathologize ourselves whenever someone else is a jerk.
9:10 "Say no, you do nothing to stop it"
Self pathology continues.
Toxic people are pathological liars. They collect data about us. how we think - and they exploit it. Toxic people do this because they are criminally insane - we cannot prevent it. It is not our fault for someone being abnormal Trump Republican Tory. They have severe mental illness - and there is nothing we can do that is legal to stop them in their criminal activities of abuse and exploiting other people.
To anyone struggling with abuse - stop watching videos like these, they are extremely damaging to our health and it will cause depression and suicidal idealizations.
We are not guilty for someone behaving toxic. There is nothing we can do to prevent it when it happens.
What we can do is to learn about narcissistic abuse and learn how to recognize red flags - but in real life - we will encounter toxic people - and this is not our fault, no matter what they do to us.
We live in sick Trump society where psychopaths are creating laws and toxic ableist society of conformism and groupthink and instagram - which is making the world toxic and manipulative.
The problem is in the corrupt system - not in us being kind and nice.
We do not need to become Karen or killer to stop toxic people.
It is important that we do not self blame ourselves nor self pathologize ourselves when toxic people hit us.
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Being assertive with pathological liar, manipulator and psychopaths only leads to giving voluntary data to sociopaths. And staying inside Karpman Drama Triangle.
They are manipulators because they manipulate given input. You cannot stop toxic people with being assertive, you simply give them more energy for narcissistic supply - negative as it is. Giving attention to sociopath who is seeking all kinds of attention - positive or negative.
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What happens when we live in poor country where we cannot break away nor leave not exit toxic situation. Then being healthy in toxic ambient will get us killed. Just look at Femicide statistics.
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(27.4.2023)
YT "Defining Features of ADHD That Everyone Overlooks: RSD, Hyperarousal, More (w/ Dr. William Dodson)"
I'm having a breakthrough moment here.
I am trying to process what has been said here and it is like non intuitive yet it makes sense now.
All this time I was following social anxiety "advice" by CBT which was misleading - by exposure and making list of things I am afraid of, and placing the fear as in god like figure to obey and challenge -
while the true problem and issue is in what is my interest and how to stay engaged in task.
This is something I have learned before with Humanistic psychology - which is based on self acceptance, self validation and self expression - doing what I know is right for me, without judging or restricting myself by conformism or someone's negative criticism and unfair judgement - but there was still puzzle missing.
The missing puzzle is ADHD and information that Dr Dodson is talking here.
This "engagement" concept/problem was never in my focus at all. In my primary focus due to social anxiety and explanations about social anxiety was fear and making behavioral techniques - which Dodson here clearly states are non functional to ADHD.
Instead of social anxiety - true problem is staying engaged with the job to be done. This part was overlooked by me and I never payed attention to is as much. It simply was natural and came and go without placing microscope to see it in more detail.
It was like with CBT and social anxiety books - I had wrong eyeglasses to see reality that did not match the focus to see life clearly.
ADHD information is like focusing laser sharp on the problem - because with social anxiety I am isolated and not active - for what I believe was fear of people, their reactions - while true problem is ability to be engaged with the task.
"Staying in the zone" - and this resonates with social anxiety, how to be in the zone in CBT and general self help "advice resources is explained as going to parties and chatting with strangers and cashier, aka exposure therapy.
With Polyvagal theory we know that Ventral Vagal is staying in the zone: psychological security, to feel safe enough to not be scared of talking and expressing your opinion - that is social anxiety aspect that is presented to anyone seeking help with social anxiety. And it does not work - due to toxic people who trigger and criticize.
With ADHD information - Dr Dodson actually tells us that staying in the zone also means being engaged and staying engaged with the task to be done. And someone who was traumatized and abused - and then who's self worth is destroyed and there is toxic shame - there is no knowledge what someone wants - except if other people define it for them. That is social anxiety. What ADHD says that this is not important - and it isn't. Other people must never be our gods, external referencing locus of control is trauma bonding and it will lead to codependency and lack of self love - and we never chase our own true goals in life, we end up dependent on other people to explain and order and guide our life away.
This is missing information from social anxiety: ADHD and being engaged in our tasks that we need to do - either on job or from what we want from inside.
Without this ADHD information we are stuck with wrong CBT information about social anxiety - where the focus is on other people and exposing to toxic people and serving them and being in fights with other people through being assertive - while in reality due to ADHD we do not know that the only problem is inability to stay engaged with the task - not other people. CBT does not explain this at all. Self help books do not explain this at all. They mislead socially anxious people in the wrong direction - by making other people into gods, hence creating more of social anxiety.
CBT here is negative agent, it is not helping at all, it is creating disorder by misdiagnosis and not connecting social anxiety with ADHD.
What Dr Dodson is saying here, and what ADHD is telling me - is that what I thought to be social anxiety all this time - was actually issue with importance and engagement. What I put in my primary focus - other people and their moods and anger and intrusion - was misdirected, misdiagnosed, misaligned and mis-explained issues with attention.
With toxic people - rude, toxic, aggressive people became by primary attention - and narcissistic personalities get us hooked with their drama. Now we are stuck with their drama - not because we are socially scared - but due to ADHD which is genetical, where our primary attention is hijacked by hijackers of predators and manipulators. And that is social anxiety. Social anxiety is not as explained by CBT : cowardice or lack of courage, lack of social skills, lack of strength, it is not related to any personality trait which CBT explains away as personality disorder, cognitive disorder at all. These are all CBT's misdiagnosis of social anxiety which we swallow and believe in and then through self prophecy became true anxiety where we believe we are weak and abnormal while other people are superior and grand and we must put our focus even more on them and try to engage with them and expose to them - while our true goals are left aside as non-important.
CBT will explain to us that social anxiety must be overcomed by breathing techniques, by thought stopping, by developing social skills, by becoming assertive and other utter nonsense.
How can we be assertive with someone who is pathological liar, manipulator and psychopath?
With CBT and self help explanations of social anxiety we get caught up in wrong alley with wrong focus, wrong explanations which make more damage than good about social anxiety.
With this ADHD information - we can turn social anxiety perspective away from wrong CBT explanations - and see social anxiety as different way how brain perceives what is important.
Due to previous trauma - we will probably believe what other people say is important - and this will cause anxiety - since people are finicky, they are wrong, they have limited understanding and they have mental issues of their own which are not discovered nor treated. Instead of exposing to them, instead of spending money, focus, time on other people - what ADHD information tells us that our primary focus needs to be in what are our priorities at hand.
If we are at job - focus needs to be on task to be done, not the other person.
What happens with ADHD - is that our brain will prioritize someone's anger, drama, criticism as more important than the task to be done. But we will not register it like that. From our perspective - due to CBT, self help and NT society - we will interpret angry, distracting people as our personality flaw, that we are cowards, weak - and that we must be strong, that we must be assertive and courageous and alfa, and that our focus in placed in endless arguments with someone who is probably narcissistic and who loves arguments, or someone who is having mental issues of their own and are incapable of cooperation due to egocentrism, maybe they are not bad people - but simply lack their own abilities to work in team.
CBT will wrongly instruct us to make drama about our panic feelings and to engage in breathing techniques and to become Karen who is screaming and talking and explaining - to people who are unable to listen and to develop some magical social skills which will only make us more egocentric and without ability to check the other person(s) - we won't be instructed to check what the hell is wrong with them.
CBT with social anxiety is telling that our primary focus are our panic suppressing and engaging with other people - to be pushover and people pleaser who sticks with toxic people no matter what.
While ADHD information tells us that social anxiety is issue with prioritizing and focus where our true goal needs to be intrinsic locus of control, not other people's explanations.
CBT will wrongly instruct us to keep our focus stolen and hijacked by toxic people who constantly nag and criticize and to monitor and micromanage our thoughts to weed out natural reactions to toxic people. This way CBT is contributing to be distracted and un-focused and that our attention depends on toxic people around us - since it says nothing about focus and attention. CBT explains that social anxiety is the only issue - and this way social anxiety becomes our only issue - while attention and focus are washed away by panic and social anxiety which now becomes second wave due to faulty CBT.
This is the reason why socially anxious and avoidants procrastinate -
social anxiety explanations are wrong. CBT is placing fear and other people in the primary focus, as if overcoming the fear is problem and task to be done. This is why social anxiety explanations and techniques are not working. It is wrong explanations and wrong approach.
Social anxiety stems from ADHD issue of focus. When CBT explains that social anxiety is fear of people and criticism - it places the focus on overcoming other people - and this creates more of anxiety and fear since other people are external phenomena, we cannot control them , nor we cannot control our decision on other people's expectations and their desires and needs - too many people means that too many criticism will render us inactive and immobile - since everybody will complain and nag and say what is wrong.
And CBT wrong explanations will instruct our mind to focus on our fears and reactions to toxic people - while in reality - the only way that works is to be focused on our tasks and understand that our brain will naturally get distracted. If we allow our logical brain to be even more distracted by wrong explanations by CBT - we will end up with more social anxiety which was not there before. And that is happening with CBT and anyone with social anxiety and avoidance who is seeking help through CBT.
With CBT we end up being pushovers, people pleasers, depended on system to tell us what we must do in life, we become passive, without our own initiatives, without our ideas, without our instigations, without our protests - since we make other people and their emotions and moods into our gods to mirror and stare and monitor at all the time.
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Once again:
social anxiety has post mortem. Check it out - social anxiety is worry before the event, during the event and after the event.
Also Dr Dodson is continually ignoring toxic ambient and predatory personalities as instigators of amygdala hijacking and emotional dysregulation: toxic people who are pathological liars, gaslighting, verbal abuse, perfectionists who punish someone in unfavorable Power Dynamics, poverty is also excluded here. Environment is totally ignored.
CBT is therapy of ableism. It is NT neurotypical therapy which quickly labels and stigmatizes anything which moves, and totally ignores abusers as the source of problems. CBT and ADHD are like Jews going to pre-1945 Berlin to Nazi HQ to get information about Human Rights. That is CBT : fascism and nazis, narcissists and psychopaths hidden in medical industry who abuse easy targets and get money from neurosis and trauma.
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(28.4.2023)
Phobia is like driving phobia. The only way to get rid of it - is that you face your fear and start driving, slowly, small steps, consistently.
Anxiety will not go away if we face our social fears.
This is because social anxiety is not as CBT describes it. CBT is main default medical industry description of social anxiety. CBT is wrong.
Social anxiety is mixture of Complex Trauma (ACE experiences - easily tested over internet without login required, quick), it is Autism spectrum, it is ADHD hidden, covert and masked due to ableist society which stigmatizes anything different than the norm, it is exposure to narcissistic abuse, mobbing and bullying.
This all means that instead of CBT's exposure and self blame - we need to self accept and self validate ourselves and carry through Humanistic psychology instead of faulty CBT.
CBT is found in 99 percent of social anxiety books, self help, online articles, DSM, You tube. We are flooded by wrong information about social anxiety and this makes social anxiety worse.
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YT "3 Ways To STOP Intrusive Thoughts and Overthinking"
First of all, intrusive thoughts are like narcissistic abuse - we are not aware we have it. It is like fish swimming in the water without being aware that there is air ambient. Being in the water all the time - there is no cognition that some matter other than water exists.
Seconds, intrusive thoughts are indicator we are in toxic ambient - there is narcissistic abuse - and we have no idea that there are toxic people around us.
Third, intrusive thoughts are also indicator of ADHD and neurodivergent mind. Most people have neurotypical brain - where information in brain travels in linear straightforward way- it is similar to tunnel vision, it is egocentric and dumb - but it is fast. It is like 2D and it is without anxiety issues.
Neurodivergent mind goes in multiple ways, it is like 3D or even 4D - so there are emotions during this information travel in the brain. Neurotypical majority will label this emotions and way of thinking as sickness and disorder - because we will not be focused on our single job or point of view. For neurotypicals - this ability to have Rashomon Effect felt from all direction will feel uncomfortable.
When we know more information - this carries a sense of vagueness and neurotypical brains unaccustomed to unknown territories will bale this as anxiety and sickness and abnormality.
When we realize what is really happening (I'd suggest watching Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions is a satirical novella by the English schoolmaster Edwin Abbott Abbott, first published in 1884 - available at You tube - we will stop neurotypical approach of destroying and stifling and stigmatizing and self pathologizing anything different inside our brain - and actually listen and watch and try to understand the messages it carries.
Instead of being egocentric and narcissistic and being obsessed by our thoughts - we could interpret intrusive worry as signal that there is someone toxic around us whom we need to cut contact or lower standards and impose boundaries or lower contact if cutting is impossible.
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YT "How Anxiety & Intrusive Thoughts ALMOST Ruined My Life"
Chances are anxiety & intrusive thoughts are symptoms of ADHD.
Without proper diagnosis - person will start to engage in civil war with his own head - where certain thoughts will be like political opponents in authoritarian regimes - labeled as sickness and abnormality and sent to gulags.
The problem with this stifling approach is that it leads to mental illness and personality disorder, and even more anxiety.
Anxieties are not shadow - it is not something to tolerate or appreciate - it is how brain is working, there is nothing to overcome.
If we start to believe in CBT idea that our brain is enemy that needs to be overcome - we will actually create personality disorder.
ADHD means that we understand that our brain is working differently than neurotypical brains , and that this is not sickness, it is not abnormality nor it is disorder. The information in brain simply travels in a different route than in NT brain. Along the way there is stimuli which we will label as anxiety due to NT explanations and stigmatizing and pathologizing anything which is slightly different than the groupthink conformism.
This is why there is term called Neurodivergence.
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YT "🦁 Stand up for yourself: 10 powerful assertivenes #shorts #assertiveness"
What happens when the other person is pathological liar? Or covert abuser?
Is it productive to engage in conversation with such person? Reveal them and volunteer our personal data to them?
Covert means it is hidden - and we have no idea that they are abusers.
Pathological means they are wrapped in lies and they do not know they are lying themselves - so everyone takes for granted what they say.
Life is not so easy as internet gurus push us to believe.
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YT "The Real Reason You Feel Intimidated"
I'm having a breakthrough moment here. (A lot of these breakthroughs once I learned about ADHD)
what social anxiety really is - is feeling intimidated - but it is a feeling. IT is not true reality.
Ok.
The missing puzzle for me personally was concept of toxic ambient - where someone is really toxic and they intimidate. Then our feeling is no longer a hunch - it is real threat - and then it is no longer a matter of our fear. Then the true problem is toxic person - and then it is valid to be defensive and avoid and leave.
BUT if we only feel intimidated by them - but it is not real case - then it is up to us to be approachable and social - instead of worrying and producing scenario how to defend oneself if someone attacks us.
If we are in toxic ambient, unfavorable power dynamics, if someone is aggressive - then our social anxiety is fully validated, there is nothing no need to force ourselves to be with such people and it is ok to avoid them and feel fear from them - that is natural, it is not abnormality to feel anxiety when someone is violent and coercive and manipulative and controlling.
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Rejection sensitivity dysphoria and masked ADHD hiding behind imposter syndrome and social anxiety.
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(1.5.2023)
YT "Handling Social Anxiety As A Young Man #shorts #socialanxiety #introvert #motivation"
It is not so easy.
What you describing is shyness, not social anxiety.
Shy people are preoccupied with skills and impressing other people.
This can be also dangerous - since it covers up feelings of internalized toxic shame and inferiority complex: you deep down believe that your current skills are abnormal and stupid and ugly - so you try to polish yourself and fix yourself even though in reality there is nothing wrong with you at all.
the feeling of being wrong and inept stems from ACE - abuse and belittling from untreated mentally ill psychopath in your ambient - it doesn't even have to be parent(s).
Therefore we are talking here about trauma.
If you believe and make yourself to believe that you lack skills - investigate is that real case?
Or is it toxic shame, deep seated self hatred?
Or is it toxic ambient - toxic people who are criticizing and being controlling and manipulative?
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma (being exposed to criticism in childhood and bullying), it is also Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - which is indicative of ADHD and Autism specter.
Specter means that partially there are some traits of neurodivergent mind.
And neurodivergent mind means - that if you try to change yourself in order to fit into groupthink - this is ableism, this is extremely unhealthy.
What happens when we change and modulate ourselves in order to belong to unknown group of society - what happen is called External Referencing locus of control - and this leads to be controlled and manipulated by others.
You may end up being addict just because people you hang out like drugs and alcohol - so you try to fit in.
Due to external values - you ignore your common sense and learned knowledge and education and you value someone's opinion more. This can also lead to crime and mental illness -
because in the end you will end up cropping and modulating your persona and personality in order to fit in into group that looks attractive to you, or is only group that there is.
Maxwel Maltz was plastic surgeon and he wrote book about changing your thoughts instead of changing your facade in order to fit into groupthink and conformity.
If you value external opinion - you will end up losing your money, time, focus and appearance just to make other people happy.
Then you will end up being pushover and people pleaser and fawn to other people - just to be approved and liked by others - and this leads to vulnerable narcissism and communal narcissism - mental illness.
Intrinsic locus of control is focused on self worth and accepting yourself as you are.
Social anxiety is not deficiency in persona nor character. Social anxiety and shyness are reaction to toxic ambient, toxic people around us. Toxic people are problem - not our lack of anything.
That is why social anxiety is called social+anxiety. Social being external factor here.
it is not called self anxiety.
---
YT "Social Anxiety"
You are describing shyness.
Shy people are preoccupied with talking and parties and how to make a move and all genitalia obsession. And shyness goes away naturally once you stick around. (pun intended)
4:05 "Social anxiety disorder"
Here you mix up social anxiety with social anxiety disorder - while you have none - you have shyness issues.
Do you see what is happening here?
You are googling your symptoms - google and CBT tells you and labels you with something you do not have.
Now you are preoccupied with CBT definitions of condition that you do not have.
Can you see how dangerous this is - to google your symptoms and self diagnose yourself?
And without education you don't know how much CBT is dangerous itself - since it is made on pharma mafia industry to make money on human neurosis?
For example;
CBT will not tell you that you start with ACE test.
ACE test is quick, no online login required - and ACE test will show if your parents were alcoholic, if there was childhood trauma present. When there is trauma - social anxiety, shyness or social anxiety disorder - are nothing else but natural reaction to toxic ambient and toxic people. It is not personality flaw or deficiency in brain as CBT explains it.
Social anxiety can also be sign of ADHD and Autism specter - and this CBT does not mention at all.
"Your courage defines you, all have flaws"
You see what you are doing now? You are mixing up your feelings and emotions with character.
This is how narcissism is born along with psychopathy.
Feeling fears - can appear as fear but due to lack of education in psychology we label it as fear - and then end up with belief that we must be "courageous". While in reality it may be that we have trauma and or our brain is working differently than most neurotypical people.
More on my reddit forum and psychology videos at you tube.
---
YT "How to overcome social anxiety"
Good tips,
but this is more shyness.
Shy people are preoccupied with parties and talking to people and other neurotypical silliness.
Social anxiety is more a matter of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
That is why social anxiety is called social+anxiety. It is not called self anxiety - it is not a matter of self so much as anxiety stemming from external people: social, society, toxic people.
It is great tip that we have intrinsic locus of control - what you are describing in the video - to "own and accept who we are" (1:58) - however this will not help us when we encounter toxic people, intrusive ones, those who use coercive control and intermittent reinforcement and other manipulative mechanisms which predatory personalities use.
"Be interested"
When we focus on a belief that we must change ourselves in order to somehow change our fears and panic related to social factor - we will end up with self blame, self pathology and victim shaming. We will start to believe that the reason we feel uncomfortable in social situation is because there is some kind of flaw and something to fix inside us, that we must change ourselves and be chirpy and happy all the time.
"People do not give sh$t"
"Don't dwell on something embarrassing"
This is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - it means "do not" will not work.
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is permanent but there are workarounds. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is result of being exposed to critical parenting (constant nagging and complaining).
With that being said - our mind will dwell - and as Jung said - what we resist will persist.
So telling someone to stop thinking about Pink elephant (ironic processing theory) will end up with more worry and more anxiety. Accepting is more healthy approach.
If we believe that our brain is abnormal and that there is something wrong with our thinking - we won't become "healthy" by micromanaging this supposed flaws - what will happen we will end up with mental illness and personality disorder - because we won't be able to lean on our personality nor our brain to make decisions in life. We will always question ourselves are we over-sensitive and why we react to toxic people and are there toxic people.
Regarding people that are "not interested" - there are actually predatory personalities who are interested in exploiting and controlling other people - and they present themselves as superiority complex superhuman and in the same time as victim constantly offended by our actions. So when we feel social anxiety -we are actually picking up such energy of control and manipulation. Again - this is why social anxiety is called social. There is External element: social, society. It is not called self anxiety. Our feelings and emotions and fears and panic are triggered by real rejection or imagined one - which exists only because of past trauma which is unhealed.
So we are talking here about healing the trauma - not fixing our brain or thinking patterns.
The idea that we suppress our anxiety, fear and panic leads to mental illness.
This idea stems from ableism and neurotypical beliefs that only certain kinds of thoughts are allowed - while anything else is abnormality to destroy.
---
YT "The Truth About Toxic Shame And Social Anxiety"
Toxic shame goes hand in hand with social anxiety, I agree.
I do not see social anxiety as something to overcome. That is toxic shame itself.
Toxic shame is that we believe that certain Dark shadows such as anxiety and fear are disgusting parts of ourselves that we must suppress, destroy and stifle away.
In reality - anxiety and fears are normal emotions - and they are reaction to toxic ambient and toxic people.
It is normal to feel uncomfortable if we are with toxic person - otherwise they would end up pooping in our bed and suing us to be rapist and destroying our movie career.
"Overcoming" social anxiety is nothing else but Functional social anxiety. You masked away ADHD and Autism specter away and you fit in into Neurotypical frame.
You do not mention Neurodivergence concept at all and this is a sign of ableism - where ableism itself is toxic shame.
You mention social anxiety examples as someone noticing our symptoms and someone asking us to speak up.
You do not mention toxic people: predators, narcissists, narcissistic abuse at all.
You do not mention poverty and Maslow needs at all. Not having money will contribute to worry, rumination, toxic shame and anxiety - yet you do not mention lack of finances at all. Instead you focus on personality and symptoms and self.
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety due to external factor: society, social, people, there is anxiety stemming from other people who are toxic, intrusive and violent. It is not called self anxiety as you describe in video.
You do not mention when other person is shaming others - when there is toxic shaming stemming from other people.
Socially anxious people do not know how to react and handle nor how to manage difficult and toxic people.
Maladaptive responses - are reactions to toxic people. If we label our responses as abnormal - we will create personality disorder - because we will reject our brain and our natural thinking process - and try to suppress it and replace it with narcissistic mask and narcissistic false self image of superiority - where somehow this fake image will prevent criticism and intrusion. You simply replace maladaptive responses with schizophrenia : creating imaginary world.
You do not mention Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria at all.
You do not mention that social anxiety is connected to ADHD and Autism. This way you spread ableism - and you force us to wear mask, that we mask our natural brain with invented narcissistic image and false self.
"Your mind will naturally process that emotion of shame"
Again, you dismiss external factor. If we are in toxic ambient, if we are around toxic people - with coercive control, intermittent reinforcement, if we are poor, if we live in shame culture country - we won't process anything. We will be wounded again and again by toxic people and toxic ambient, ashamed again and over again.
---
YT "My Social Anxiety Is Destroying My Life | Our Life"
"condition"
This is problem itself.
Just because someone's brain is working differently - this is not sickness or abnormality. To believe it is so - there will be anxiety and feeling shame around people who see conditions in other people.
---
There is no cure.
Social anxiety is reaction to toxic people - as Complex PTSD.
Social anxiety is also ADHD and Autism specter, it is HSP issue. This means - there is nothing to cure. Society which is ableist and neurotypical is causing problems to those who think differently.
Society is problem as much as anxiety and fears and panic.
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety - since social is element that is causing anxiety.
It is not called self anxiety.
--
YT "Talking about social anxiety and how to overcome"
Great that is fades away - but this is shyness.
Shyness goes away with exposure.
Social anxiety does not go away.
Social anxiety is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - it is result of being exposed to narcissistic abuse.
Also Social anxiety is part of ADHD and Autism specter - so we need to change how we blame and shame ourselves for not feeling comfortable in what neurotypical brain enjoys.
When we decide to fit in into groupthink and conformism - we will develop more of social anxiety because we will reject our natural wants and needs and sacrifice them in order to be like everyone else.
Then we will end up being pushover and people pleaser - since we will be unable to say no to people out of fear of being labeled as wrong and different.
--
YT "How To Eliminate Social Anxiety as a Muslim"
Social anxiety and overthinking is sign of ADHD and Autism specter. This is not sickness, brain is simply working in different way than in Neurotypical brain.
If you start to write your fears - you will create god out of fears - fear will become your primary focus and you will develop more fears-
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety because of social element, toxic people are causing anxiety. OR someone who appears toxic.
It is not called self anxiety. There is nothing inside you to fix. IF you make yourself believe that you must fix yourself - you will create personality disorder and mental illness. You will distrust your mind, your brain and toxic shame.
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YT "Is there an easy way to take back control from social anxiety? #mentalhealth #anxiety #socialanxiety"
You are mixing up control with emotional regulation.
Control is OCD and leads to more anxiety.
Emotional regulation is processing our emotions, understanding what is happening and feeling safe in our body and environment - knowing we handle toxic people and problems by relying on our brain and our thoughts.
When you control your brain and your thoughts this is called micromanaging and it is form of bullying, self abuse, self pathology - and it leads to mental illness.
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YT "You're not crazy for exposing anxiety...you're BRAVE #anxiety #mentalhealth"
When we equate our emotions, feelings with personality traits such as being brave or courageous - we end up with emotional reasoning - and this leads to our emotions determine how we feel about ourselves.
In real life - this will end up being in contact with toxic person such as narcissist who will mask their abuse by blaming us for everything - we will end up believing that anxiety we feel is abnormality and we need to be brave by staying stuck with person who scare us. This ends up as codependency.
---
I think you mix up reactions to events and toxic people with anxiety.
We get emotional dysregulation due to triggers.
Triggers are intrusive and toxic people,
narcissists -
they are triggering social anxiety symptoms.
Trauma also - so even neutral stimuli will appear as being intrusive.
This is no longer social anxiety- this is issue of trauma,
of our brain - ADHD, Autism, HSP,
it is issue of poverty - Maslow needs not being satisfied,
it is issue of narcissistic abuse and toxic society where narcissism is regarded as competence and strength - while reactions to narcissism is regarded as weakness and cowardice.
---
Social anxiety is not disorder.
Without social anxiety you would have disinhibition - and that is disorder.
Disinhibition means you would poop in public, fart, pee, spit, masturbate in public - you would simply feel no shame about your actions.
People struggling with social anxiety have empathy and they are able to put themselves in other people shoes. That is social skill of empathy that 80 percent of people do not posses and pay a lot to learn about overcoming egocentrism.
" The entire world is going to be toxic forever, so what can someone with SA do in your case?"
Yes. That is the point.
When we realize that toxic people are the problem - then we can externalize our fears and realize - that we do not support toxic people any more.
We can stop voting for them.
We can learn red flags how to recognize toxic people. Many toxic people appear as service and help, they are covert.
Your approach is to self pathologize oneself, to label fears as disgusting and something to stifle down.
Jung Shadow means embracing our emotions and feelings rather than repressing them.
I am talking here about changing the perspective how we regard our emotions and feelings.
If we quickly label our uncomfortable feelings as personality fault and that we are sick and abnormal for feeling bad - we will self prophesize ourselves into being bad.
In the end - we cannot control other people.
You do not explain what will happen when we do end up bullied and attacked by others?
How we handle mocking and complaining, someone nitpicking our errors and mistakes - so that we cannot defend ourselves.
Social anxiety is part of ADHD, Autism, HSP and trauma - and Deficiency motivation such as be strong and don't think this or that - will increase anxiety.
Social anxiety is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria:
---
(2.5.2023)
YT "From Combat to Calm: Master Chief's Approach to Panic Attacks"
I'm not sure are you talking here about panic attack in war field or regular life incidents of panic attack.
I am not expert in PTSD but I do know a thing or two about Complex PTSD - which is not the same as PTSD.
"It's important to acknowledge these are symptoms of panic attack and they will pass"
Person who is under panic attack - or clinical term would be "dysregulation" - is on amygdala hijacking. The cortex brain is partly switched off - and this means in real life that people under panic will not be able to rationalize their emotions. Panic will go from zero to 100 in a matter of nano-second, it is fast.
So this "advice" is useless - it is good to know now, beforehand - but it is completely useless when we need it the most.
0:48
"Focus on your breathing."
The same as previous - amygdala hijacking means our primitive part of the brain is in charge of the plane. We cannot focus on what we want - our emotions flood us. The idea that we must take control of our brain which is hijacked will add up to panic.
It is similar as being trapped in closed coffin - being focused on our breathing will not calm us down.
There is a meme "Nobody in the history of mankind calmed down by telling to clam down".
Panic Attacks occur to due external stimuli - and we cannot control external stimuli with our brain. The belief and idea that we can somehow manage and control external phenomena with our brain leads to schizophrenia at worst, or unnecessary self blame and agonizing self pathology at best.
Third argument - is that when we choose to create certain routines and habits and techniques to combat anxiety - this always turn into OCD.
So basically you are instructing people to create mental illness here with totally wrong advice which does not work in real life.
Once again, I am talking here about civil panic attack, not combat stress.
1:03 "Challenge your thoughts"
This is CBT crap. It leads to personality disorder. When we decide that our brain is faulty and abnormal for reacting to abnormal and faulty external reality - we will create mental illness by blaming our natural reactions as abnormal and something to fix, change and modulate. CBT is meant for short term therapy for criminally insane (like Silence of the lambs serial killers captured and imprisoned so they need to get over initial shock of being in an institution OR it is a short term method to handle suicidal attempts - also imprisoned in institution). CBT is not meant for general population - it is meant for critical situations. That is why I ask is this video meant for war combats or civil daily situations where panic occurs?
"Panic attacks are often triggered by negative thoughts or beliefs"
Crap. This is CBT crap. This is not true.
Panic attacks are always triggered by negative reality, abnormal people, toxic events.
"Try to challenge this thoughts by asking..."
1) challenging thoughts and natural work of brain leads to personality disorder
2) it will not work when there is amygdala hijacking because our cortex brain is offline
"If they are based on fact or just your fears"
Well, Sherlock - what happens when it is real fact?
What then, Matlock?
What happens when reality sucks and there is the real danger? What then?
1:20 "Use positive self talk"
So... when our partner poops in our bed, when they invent that we are rapist and contemplate court filled with false claims to destroy our movie career - we need to be positive about it? Really?
Will it help to suppress reality and pretend we are not in real danger?
Does it help to stay stuck with toxic people and do nothing about it and turn our head around?
"The ostrich effect is the tendency to avoid dangerous or negative information by simply closing oneself off from this information."
1:35 "Practice grounding techniques, use relaxation techniques"
How about technique to address the root cause of panic?
2:11 "Engage in physical activity"
BS.
2:28 "Talk"
Write.
"Seek medical help"
Pharma mafia simply awaits to make money out of our neurosis and to use hypercognition to label anything that moves as disorder and abnormality to make money on useless advice such as this video.
Virtually all advice here is wrong and it does not help at all, it is misleading,
Please educate yourself more and stop wasting our time.
dislike.
Instead of CBT - there is Humanistic psychology.
This means - self validation, self acceptance - and knowing if we are not bad person, if we are not serial killer, if we are not Trump or Putin or any other a$$hole inhuman narcissistic psychopathic MAGA crap that walks - that there is nothing wrong with us. The problem lies in toxic people around us who are triggering us and keeping us enslaved to their abuse.
---
" it also can be a sign of boundaries and growing up near people who think that can assume things without asking first. going to use u for example. You’re opinions are too frequent. So do me a favor, be more appreciative on my channel and respect that we ain’t the same. So if I burp it might trigger something in you but if it’s such a thing just watch someone else thats what I would do. Not diagnose as if I’m ur therapist n that’s kinda another thing as well that it could be"
I agree with you.
But see it as 50-50.
You have your total freedom to be who you are, but in the same time we need to form bonds with other people and this means to submit to some level, to some extent to their standards, wants and needs and observations.
I believe what we do in this negotiation is crucial in forming healthy bonds with other people.
I really wound not mind that you burp if we were friends and I hang around you - but I would warn you if you make videos about it that it is not correct. The choice is yours. My observation is my 50 percent - I am not ordering you, nor would I want to order you.
I believe that people who have social anxiety issues and toxic shame - we never learned this compromise.
Instead we see other people as black and white, splitting.
We quickly label something as aggression - without considering someone's opinion might be something else than control or manipulation.
In short - we swim in the sea of toxic shame that we are not aware that there are some other explanation how reality works - other than interpreting other people's words as shame or not shame - black and white thinking.
We are not aware there might be fuzzy logic.
---
"maybe I’ll check it out one day but I don’t think that’s what’s going on"
I see education as our only weapon to handle life and people in healthy and proper manner.
Without knowledge and correct assessment of our reality and troubles and problems and difficulties in life - we are like ship in a storm - that outer circumstances rock around at whim.
---
YT "My Experience with Panic Attacks and Xanax | Personal Storytime"
Complex Trauma unhealed.
Narcissistic abuse is causing these mysterious panic attacks, toxic people around us, toxic ambient, poverty also contributes to it, too. Then pharma mafia making money on our neurosis - adding up to toxic ambient of exploiting the vulnerable.
---
Yeah, toxic shame messes up with our self worth, we either do not have it or we try to over-compensate by not caring.
That is I see the solution in education and discovering who we are and be aligned with our true self- rather than just reacting to life and being in defense mode all the time, survival mode.
That is why I said that not wanting to be touched is a sign of autism. Autism is not sickness, it is how mind is working, it is different than the "norm".
We live in ableist society that values "neurotypical" thinking - and that is toxic shame, since we end up masking our true self and try to be like everybody else - and we end up being trapped in toxic shame - deep core self hatred.
----
YT "People-pleasing is NOT cute.. #peoplepleaser #pushover #standards #boundaries #respect #loyalty"
You are correct - but this is only one part of the medal/side of a coin.
People do not choose to be pushover. This is not conscious choice - so when you tell them to stop being pushover , it is patronizing and demeaning and disrespecting to victims of abuse and anyone trapped in poverty and shame culture countries and any kind of toxic ambient where protest against oppression is punished by all means.
---
YT "Masking ADHD & RSD at work 🎭 (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) [CC] 4K"
I like this parody approach.
Yeah we simply need to be strong. It is a choice and it activates on a simple press of button. Being courageous is magical cure for any trauma or anything that happens in life. face-blue-smilinghand-pink-wavingface-fuchsia-tongue-out
---
YT "Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria Pt 1"
Social anxiety really.
Dodson keeps on saying that social anxiety is different because he claims that socially anxious do not have post mortem rumination - but they do. Socially anxious ruminate before the event, during the event and after the event (unless the event was successful. In this case - it is forgotten and event is labeled as fluke).
---
YT "RSD for You and Me! (ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria)"
2 years old video. I am flabbergasted that I never met this term and concept in these two years.
Literally I have weekly you tube videos day by day scanning for information about social anxiety and complex trauma - and in this 2 years none, literally zero, none of the video ever mentioned this concept at all.
I caught it finally 2 months ago thanks to Doctor Snipes videos where she was the only one who connects RSD with social anxiety and complex trauma -
how many other concepts are we not aware and yet in the same time we struggle with - while they have name and scientific medical label.
Without RSD description - person struggling with this phenomena is left by wrong advice to "be strong" or to "be courageous" or other CBT crap BS like "be assertive.
---
YT "What is rejection sensitive dysphoria | ADHD and Autism"
RSD stems from trauma.
We were exposed to narcissistic abuse: constant invalidation- someone close to our ambient constantly nitpicked our "mistakes" and "errors" and labeled them as catastrophe and this happened consistently 24/7 without stopping over decades. It is complex trauma issue, too as much as it is social anxiety issue.
By it I mean Narcissistic abuse.
---
(3.5.2023)
YT "Kindness and being taken advantage of"
People pleasing is not abnormality. It is called interdependence and it is focus of psychology as normal and healthy state of mind.
The problem starts with predatory personalities who mask hidden agenda to exploit others - problem are negative toxic people who are willingly taking advantage of others.
Normal, healthy, sane people help each other and they are kind to others - they do not have grudge or mental disorders compelling to be angry all the time.
People pleasing as fawning is trauma response.
Trauma response means that fawning is not a choice. It is not personality trait, it is not personality characteristics.
Agreeableness is personality trait, it is part of a Big 5 personality traits - and we can test our personality - easy, quick and online, without login required.
If we decide to observe our fawning as abnormality and something that is disgusting - we will create real personality disorder - by developing Fight trauma response. Colloquially known as Karen syndrome - angry entitled person who is very egocentric and sensitive to criticism.
Unfortunately this Fawning trauma response is not much explained in society - and instead society tends to label quickly people pleasing as abnormality, sickness and personality flaw, weakness and this leads to self blame and self pathologizing - which ends up as toxic shame.
People pleasing as Fawning - starts in childhood when we were raised in critical environment filled with toxic shaming - and the only way to survive narcissistic abuse and psychopaths is to fawn to them. Usually in alcoholic parenting, too.
We can quickly test whether we were abused in childhood. There is ACE test (adverse childhood experience) - it is also available online, free, quick and without login required.
---
YT "ADHD, RSD and people pleasing! Stop it now with the *FIRST STEP*"
Good information, awareness brings changes itself.
I would like to add that "people pleasing" is complex -
it is also a personality trait: agreeableness - and it works fine in healthy ambient with healthy people who will not take advantage of someone being ready to help.
It is also Fawning - trauma response - and we can test the presence of trauma with online ACE test.
Raising up in alcoholic environment, narcissistic abuse - fawning will be safety mechanism also, it allowed us to survive, but it also thwarts personality - like automatic Negative politeness no matter whom we interact with.
It is great to have Negative politeness with normal healthy kind people - however it destroys self worth when it is done in narcissistic abuse contact of any sort.
---
Yeah, this is complex topic.
Those people who are overly nice - do this due to conditioning, it is programming - by narcissistic abuse, usually in alcoholic parenting. So the problem here is not person who reacts to abuse - the true problem is alcohol and bad people who choose to be bad.
I would emphasize this over and over again.
People who were raised in alcoholic family environment will attract toxic people who will abuse them and use them, and they will not know how to set boundaries - since it will evoke guilt, pain, shame.
That is programming.
Labeling this behaviour as people pleasing is counter-productive, it will lead to self prophecy, self blame, self pathology and in the end self prophecy - more of people pleasing and being pushover because labels will define us.
Labels and stigma are doing secondary damage.
That is why CBT is so dangerous therapy and why DSM is contributing to mental illness, diagnosing people does not help at all, it serves only pharma mafia who is making money on trauma and neurosis. Endless magical circle of corporative abuse.
We live in toxic world :D
---
YT "(ADHD) What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?"
First of all, I am not sure it is correct to label ADHD as disorder. ADHD itself is wrong label, since it is not attention deficit. And this is ableist ideology to label anything different as "disorder".
We need instead to learn about the harm of ableism, labels and stigma and how it adds up secondary trauma and psychological damage and stay clear from using CBT/DSM ableist labels.
Secondly,
RSD starts as mocking and criticizing and punishing our different way how our brain is working, and how we behave, again - due to ableism. We need to step back and actually see that RSD is reaction to trauma and usually it is either imaginary - due to unresolved unprocessed past trauma stored in our body AND/OR it is real unfair criticism which sparks our reactions. I am talking about unfair people who are perfectionist and they demand unrealistic standards from us so they criticize us. I am talking about really damaged and unskilled people who mask being competent and skilled - yet they have unrealistic beliefs that we must be perfect and without mistakes and that whatever we do - usually for the first time - that it must be perfection and we must know everything perfectly.
The point is - that narcissistic abuse is contributing to our reactions but nobody is focused on narcissists.
Psychopaths, bad people, narcissists - with today's technology can be easily discovered and uncovered with brain scan - yet nobody is talking about this. Criminals are not allowed to work with children. In the same way - narcissists must be blocked to have children and to be at any kind of managerial seat. Since - they are producing mental illness ,mental imbalance and any problems and issues in the world today.
---
(4.5.2023)
"So what if your not Neurotypical, is their a word for that?"
I do not understand your question,
the topic here is social anxiety.
We are talking here about group of people who are struggling with social fears, inhibitions, panic and unbearable symptoms of unknown dysregulation - which official CBT (first response to social anxiety by medical community) is described as hallucinations which are "cured" with exposure.
The information about Neurotypical mindset is that this CBT explanation is ableism.
So your video is ableism.
You quickly collate information put out by ableist neurotypical society and explain away social anxiety as a mere fear that is easily "cured" with exposure.
Well - it is not.
Social anxiety is a sign of many things- and mostly it is related to how brain works.
This means - social anxiety is not a matter of exposure. IT is not a matter of being "weak", it is not related to being sissy. Neurotypical society will explain it away as being sissy or snowflake.
This false quick bias explanation will add what is called secondary trauma - additional anxiety, totally unnecessary and completely stemming from people who are not smart and have lower IQ.
Social anxiety is a sign of Autism and ADHD specter - this is not sickness, this is not abnormality. This is simply how brain works - it process information differently.
Social anxiety is part of HSP - and we can look at stimuli as neutral , rather than something to cure, destroy, mock and or stifle down - as Elaine Aron explained in her book from 1997.
Your video is doing this secondary damage - with unskilled and totally wrong explanations about social anxiety.
---
I believe we feel anxiety due to how our brain works, due to childhood trauma of being raised in alcoholic home filled with narcissistic abuse (constant criticism about innocuous errors presented as catastrophe) - and we end up with toxic shame - deep seated core belief we are unworthy and inept to handle life.
And anxiety fires up all these components. Some trigger occurs and we are re-traumatized - and our brain goes into our basic, learned, programmed behaviour - usually to self blame and to hide away our vulnerability and errors and that we try to be super good (overcompensation) and that we are not allowed to make mistakes - and mostly to appear in the eyes of others as good and without flaws. That is essentially anxiety - but we do not see it like that.
We see only that we are wrong and whatever happens - we are flawed as human being, and this ends up as rotating cycle of anxiety.
With ADHD information - we can learn that this mind processing is not sickness not abnormality - it is simply result of being raised in toxic ambient as child where we learned that we handle problems by self blaming and trying to be super human.
ADHD information is teaching us that if we feel anxiety - our task would be to become aware of our focus - and shift our focus onto the task at hand - to do our job as best as we are able to do-
rather than being focused on our mistakes, flaws, other people criticism.
Being raised in alcoholic home - we will try to fix other people's mistakes, their anger - we will shift our focus away from our task to regulate people who have mental issues of their own and who are not interested in well-being, they learned to regulate by giving anxiety to us to worry. Using up our learned programmed trauma and abuse against ourselves.
We need to become what is happening - and stop defending our egoistical mirror fake image of not being flawed - allow mistakes and errors which we were not allowed as kids - and put most of our focus on task at hand--
and with time to leave toxic ambient, leave toxic people and leave toxic habits which we all picked up due to toxic shame inside us.
---
"I have always internalised whatever she said and it led to effing up things in my life for no reason 😢"
How could we know? When we read self-help books in 1990s and 2000s - nobody was mentioning narcissistic abuse or concepts such as Fawning trauma response and or trauma bonding or introjection defense mechanism - that would actually help us to realize what is happening.
We received only CBT crap that we are hallucinating the abuse, that toxic people do not exist and that we are weak and "we must be strong" crap.
---
(5.5.2023)
"well that's fine for you baby if that's the information you need to know, that is wonderful. I deal with it myself and I have my ways and tools that I use that works for me."
I am not ordering people what to do in their lives.
I do agree with Humanistic psychology - that we are commanders of our own ship and that we make decisions and we know the best what is hurting us.
My comment here is not as specific order nor command.
My comments on you tube regarding psychology are tools, information, data.
I wish someone told these to me 30 years ago - but all I got was CBT crap data that does not work in real life.
What I am talking here in my comment is not figment of my imagination - it is condense knowledge of all psychological data available in millions of books, articles, you tube videos that I have been absorbing for a long time.
I think it would be crime if I hold it in and not share it with others.
If I wasted 30 years of my life on wrong information such as CBT - I do not want others to waste their lives.
In the end - you are not the only person who is reading this comments. Someone less narcissistic and less egocentric will find value in my words, rather than your borderline brain comprehend as attack and intrusion.
In the end - it is your life, your choice whatever you do with your life. I could care less.
---
YT "4 Signs Of a Borderline Personality Disorder Girlfriend"
What I am stuck with - is how can we protect ourselves from such people with aggressive tendencies - whatever diagnosis they might have - when we are in situation where we cannot leave, exit, run away and we are forced to be with them - job, family, service - and especially if they are in authority figure of some sort - how to protect yourself from their abuse?
There is no protection.
Whatever we do - good or bad, toxic or healthy as action or reaction to their abuse - will be like cancer of black hole - it will destroy us and have detrimental effect.
---
(8.5.2023)
YT "RAD and Rethink: Social Anxiety Disorder"
Anyone struggling with social anxiety - do your research.
Check out concepts which are hidden away from self help industry and CBT:
- Complex Trauma (being exposed to narcissistic abuse, coercive control, bullying, Gabor Maté and Peter Levine)
- Emotional Dysregulation (natural panic reaction to abnormal people, abnormal events and abnormal situations)
- Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (fear of criticism related to ADHD and Autism specter)
- Neurodivergency (idea that our emotions are not abnormal nor sick, nor there is anything to fix as long as we are not violent)
- Narcissistic covert abuse (the true and well hidden cause of any panic - recognizing red flags can help us block parasites)
- Codependency (or lack of Self love - due to toxic shame it drives us to fix other people's anger, unhealthy beliefs)
- Humanistic psychology (anti-dote to ableist CBT which is metastased in all self help books and online articles)
- Egocentrism (final stage of Piaget's growing up - in toxic ambient we get stuck in cognitive dissonance)
- Defense mechanisms (when traumatized we develop safety routines - which are ok, but they need upgrade)
- Self Worth (with trauma and bullying - we will develop toxic shame and without deep self acceptance we'll get immobile)
- Intrinsic locus of control (where our focus is on our goals, tasks, job to be done rather than other people's opinions)
- Negative politeness (when traumatized we'll get stuck in making all people happy and calm)
- ACE test (online free no login required to check if trauma is present. Trauma warps our beliefs into more trauma)
- Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (if we are poor, if we live in toxic ambient - it is normal and natural to feel anxiety)
- Pendulation (technique to work on our wants and needs all the time, then supply ourselves when in crisis)
- Ironic process theory / The Pink Elephant Paradox (when we try to suppress something- opposite happens)
- Rashomon effect (anything in life must be evaluated and explored from all sides, angles and facts, objectively)
- Ventral vagal (part of Polyvagal Theory: where our primary goal is psychological safety in order to thrive and live)
- Black and white thinking (trauma splitting: in toxic ambient and with trauma we'll tend to see life in extremes)
- Divergent thinking (just because we overthink - this is not sign of sickness, but of creative mind)
- Big 5 (personality types: easy and quick online test - shows that "people pleasing" and fears are persona, not abnormality)
- Neurodivergent Masking (with ableist society we'll tend to cover our needs, wants, genuine self in order to fit in to crap)
---
YT "Social Anxiety Explained#social #socialanxietey #explained #psychology #selfimprovement #life"
Nope.
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety because of social.
There is social element, anxiety is related to social. social is the cause of anxiety.
IT is not called self - anxiety,
Social anxiety is by product of complex trauma, bullying and abuse by predatory personalities such as narcissists.
Narcissists destroy self worth and ashame the target - isolate them and make the target look crazy and not knowing their worth.
This appears as personality disorder to the third party - while narcissists are hidden away and not exposed to the light as perpetrators of abuse and chaos.
---
YT "Real Social Anxiety in College | Amanda"
If you put a label on something, known or unknown - you are making labeling faux pas and self fulfilling prophecy.
If you make yourself believe you have social anxiety - you will make pink elephant error - you will make natural normal symptom into obstacle to focus your perspective.
Basically you hypnotize yourself into hysteria.
Avoiding go to events and staying in room can be explained as non-social anxious angle: such as poverty, not having money to cover up going out OR AND can be result of toxic ambient, narcissistic predatory personalities around us who use coercive control and gaslighting to sadistically torture other people for personal amusement and to feel superior.
You are describing social anxiety through the lens of parties and speaking with strangers.
This is not social anxiety at all.
You simply put quick label to describe other phenomena with non valid clinical description - this leads to whirlpool of stigma, called hyper-cognition and it is common in human mind , also known as logical fallacies and prejudices.
Feeling uncomfortable in social setting can be shyness and introversion - both are not abnormality nor something to cure or relax or breathe away.
The desire to fit in into society is neurotypical convergent mindset. Do research about neurodivergence.
You say don't think about how others perceive you- yet you are preoccupied with going to parties and being obsessed of staying in your room. That is conflict in beliefs and you have no idea that there is conflict.
---
YT "The Spotlight Effect: How To Overcome Social Anxiety"
"teacher calls you"
This is shyness. This is not social anxiety. Social anxiety is when the teacher is narcissistic and sadistic and when they lack empathy and abuse the target for personal amusement AND OR to feel superior. The after-effect of their narc abuse is social anxiety.
"Busy street, everyone staring at you"
This is shyness, this is not social anxiety. Social anxiety is living in toxic ambient, shame culture country where other people are scrutinized how they look if they diverge from accepted norm, neurotypical norms.
Like this:
article published in toxic corrupt shame culture country in 2019:
Young American explained why she left Croatia:
"In Croatia people constantly express intrusive opinion about matters which are none of their business. The most irritating things were rude people."
You are describing mere shyness, not social anxiety in this video.
Social anxiety is not only obsessing about behaviour - physical symptoms are only part of social anxiety.
There is also as I put in Social Anxiety Map blog/video:
social anxiety is a battle on many fronts:
1. Physical symptoms
2. Behaviour
3. Cognitive (mental) is divided in two groups:
a) being stuck
b) everything sucks
4. External factor
5. Unknown factor
6. Relationship
7. All combined in one entity
"you experience social anxiety in different extent"
HSP process stimuli in different manner than neurotypical ableist society. This is not sickness nor abnormality - the brain is working differently than in most people. This is called Neurodivergence.
"Accept yourself, validate, quick affirmation, we have tendency to overthink"
You are contradicting yourself.
If someone overthinks - this is normal process with higher IQ. It would be contradicting to not accepting yourself and feel ashamed for ability to overthink. You can accept yourself but in the same time make drama about overthinking. This is called Double binding and it is common in CBT and other faulty therapies.
In your video you do not mention toxic people at all-
narcissists are focused on other people.
---
YT "Social anxiety 😢"
This is not social anxiety.
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety because of social element that is causing the anxiety, hence the name.
IT is not called self anxiety.
There is no primary focus on ourselves, the other people are causing the discomfort - usually rude narcissistic predatory personalities.
---
YT "How to Overcome Social Anxiety (A Christian Perspective)"
This caring what other people think is not choice - it is trauma.
This cannot be changed by press of button.
This is called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. It is after-effect of toxic ambient and predatory sadistic personalities.
When we decide that we must stop and block inside us something - we will create personality disorder.
The very fact we think about others - stems from conditioning, programming due to exposure to bullying and narcissistic abuse.
When we decide to think about others - we will become people pleasers and toxic predatory personalities will sniff our inability to react to their abuse - as green light to exploit us.
It is great to put others in front of our needs - in normal and healthy ambient.
IT is recipe for codependency with toxic predatory sadistic personalities such as narcissists.
Any crude, rigid rule in life leads to mental illness. We need to be flexible and adjust to reality, rather than expecting that reality will fawn to us if we are good enough and if we "fix" ourselves.
Social anxiety is also sign of masked ADHD and Autism specter which ableist society hides away from us to learn about it.
This means, our overthinking and deeper stimuli processing stems from our basic character - this is not sickness, it is not abnormality to fix but rather embrace, learn it and process it in natural healthy proper manner through validation and acceptance and love.
If we reject ourselves -we won't be able to serve others.
---
YT "How To Overcome Social Anxiety"
1) Urge to feel more confident and learn social skills is shyness and neurotypical thing, this is not social anxiety.
2) Challenging negative thoughts leads to more: Ironic process theory / The Pink Elephant Paradox - trying to suppress a thought is likely to make it more intrusive
3) Relaxation techniques are useless when amygdala is hijacked. Also any reaction, ritual as response to anxiety leads to OCD
4) Small steps outside comfort zone leads to re-traumatization, codependency and exposure to toxic ambient and predators without learning red flags how to recognize psychopaths who hide behind glib charm and victimhood
5) Self care - anyone avoiding people are already doing this. Avoiding toxic people is top tier self care.
6) Focus on present moment - will not work with neurodivergent mind. This idea to prune our natural mind which works differently tha neurotypicals leads to micromanaging : more anxiety
7) Learn social skills - is myth that social anxiety people have low social skills. Socially anxious people have empathy and they have outgrown egocentrism which 80 percent of people do not possess these social skills. Stigma and label that we lack something will lead to self prophecy
8) Join support group and therapist - social anxiety is avoiding any groups, that is the point. Therapist base their treatment on ableist CBT and this leads to more anxiety and self pathologizing
9) avoid self medicating - I would add that pharma mafia making money on our neurosis is something that CBT will do, not us.
10) Visualize success - when amygdala is hijacked our cortex brain is offline and it is useless to force our brain to make tricks, this leads to focusing on our "faults" while toxic people parasite on our internal focus
11) Celebrate small victories and be patient with yourself. Social anxiety is called social+anxiety due to social factor. It is not called self anxiety. Social anxiety is not abnormality or character fault - it is trauma of being exposed to sadistic abusive personalities.
Please stop making videos. You are making more harm than good.
---
YT "How To Overcome Social Anxiety"
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety because of social element. This is not called self anxiety.
It's great that we watch our diet and remove toxic habits - but this unfortunately has nothing to do with social anxiety.
"You have to stop giving a f"
This leads to disinhibition. We cannot solve something by going to opposite extreme. This is called Trauma splitting - where we see life as black or white. There is fuzzy logic, life is gray specter. We have alternatives other than Boolean logic in real life.
"Go to club, public place, film myself"
This is called Functional social anxiety. Masked social anxiety. Social anxiety trauma is still present inside.
"What's the worst can happen"
Toxic people, predatory personalities, coercive control, abuse, taking advantage of our good character, honesty and need to help others.
"Go to nature"
Some people do not have money. Poverty is also related to social anxiety. Maslow basic needs not being met: shelter, security, money.
"Start Exercising to overcome social anxiety, endorphins come up"
Again - this is not social anxiety. Social anxiety is being trapped in toxic job with mobbing and abuse without means to escape. Exercise won't help if we get fired and we do not live in NY or LA so we can't find another job quickly - that is social anxiety.
"Think more about positive things, stop criticizing, don't minimize yourself"
This leads to micromanaging - that leads to more anxiety. The word you seek is self validation and self acceptance, humanistic psychology.
"Carbs, bread, bakery, croissants"
Again, social anxiety is social - it stems from toxic people. Not from food nor act of eating. Toxic people, narcissists, parasites are causing social anxiety issues. Not our stomach food processing.
"Nobody will kick you down for being yourself"
Narcissists will kick you down. Psychopaths will. Sociopaths will.
"Bullies feel bad they just hide it"
They abuse and cause anxiety in their targets. Bullies cause social anxiety - that is why it is called social+anxiety. Anxiety stems from social.
"Go to nice place with lot of money"
Trauma will still be there. Anxiety will simply becomes masked or functional.
"If you don't find inner peace - that's why I want to succeed"
ADHD.
Masked ADHD - inability to focus. Without focus we cannot complete our tasks, jobs, dreams, goals.
Your social anxiety perspective is rather skewed and shattered. And you lack words to describe it.
--
YT "SOCIAL ANXIETY FINAL"
Social anxiety stems from toxic people, hence the name: social+anxiety. Anxiety stems from social element.
Toxic people, narcissists, predators, sadists, sociopaths, their coercive control, gaslighting, abuse, shaming, bullying and mobbing. Social anxiety is connected to Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD).
Social anxiety is not only physical symptoms. It is related to after-effects of being exposed to verbal abuse by someone who is evil and abnormal, violent and intrusive.
Social anxiety is also connected to Masked ADHD and Autism specter. If we are not aware of narcissistic abuse, chances are that social anxiety will also overlap with narcissism also - deep sensitivity to criticism and inability to put oneself in other shoes other than hidden agenda to exploit someone.
ADHD means that our brain is working differently than most people (neurotypical) and that we accept this information and stop self blame and self pathology which will make social anxiety worse.
If we face social situations - nothing will change due to trauma being unresolves.
Challenging negative thoughts leads to micromanaging - which means more anxiety.
Dropping safety behaviours will not resolve anxiety - it will turn it into panic and new unknown safety mechanisms which means it will metastase unnecessary.
Self care is already present: avoiding toxic people is top tier self care.
Social anxiety is not sickness. IT is reaction to sick abnormal people around us. This is important to know.
There is nothing wrong inside us. We are feeling reaction to sadistic evil people around us. There is nothing to cure inside us, there is no fault inside our head or character. If we believe we must nitpick ourselves - we will enable abuse, we will enable toxic people to abuse and we will create personality disorder - since we will reject ourselves, our true self inside.
---
"That's big and many words. "
That's logical fallacy.
It has nothing to do with argument(s).
" so I thought to share something that someone maybe"
If you actually read my comment you would learn that defending yourself and feeling attacked is Rejections Sensitivity -
you are keeping yourself stuck in social anxiety because you have issues with big and many words - so you do not listen to other people.
This is indicative of ADHD.
---
"the point of the video was instead of finding 40 excuses to remain trapped on social anxiety,"
Well, the point is wrong.
You are misleading everyone, it does not help at all.
You can learn from your mistakes - and learn more about ADHD and then see that feeling trapped is another issue that underlies social anxiety - which you refuse to learn about since it is big words.
In the end - what is your goal - to propagate ideology or actually to get healthy and get things done?
---
YT "Neuroscientist: How To Overcome Social Anxiety | Andrew Huberman #hubermanlab #shorts #neuroscience"
This is not social anxiety.
This is shyness.
This does not explain toxic people and how to handle abusers.
Idea that we try to fix ourselves and to label our reactions to abusers as abnormal - will lead to personality disorder.
---
"So did u find any solutions of how to overcome anxiety?"
There are no solutions.
Social anxiety is normal feeling.
Without it we would have disinhibition - which means we would kill other people, smell bad and poop in public, smearing poop in other people's faces.
Social anxiety prevents us from becoming disgusting morons and idiots.
Social anxiety is not bad. IT is not abnormality.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma. Complex Trauma needs solutions - such as validation and self acceptance.
IT is Rejection Sensitivity. This has no cure at all - it requires our education.
---
In toxic ambient avoidance it top tier self care. Avoidance itself is not inherently bad or toxic or abnormal.
Avoidance starts to be problem when we deny our self expression, when we do not chase our dreams, when we prune off our wants and needs in order to satisfy toxic people around us from getting angry or moody.
---
YT "Beating loneliness and social anxiety with Dr Harry Barry | Real Health with Karl Henry"
This emotional connections having impact on our well being makes sense. Glasser talked about this aspect as the basic element, building block of our mental health. (quote below)
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety, it does have social element inside it. Social as element that provokes anxiety, it is in the title. It is not called self-anxiety.
Social anxiety by definition is fear of criticism and negative evaluation. Therefore the first and primary problem are toxic people who are intrusive and toxic, who lack empathy, who do not listen to others as Dr Barry explained in this video.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma (exposure to narcissistic abuse), it is also Masked ADHD and Autism so we need to learn about Neurodivergence concept in order to start accepting and validating our thoughts and reactions and experiences - rather than pathologizing self and invalidating ourselves and stifling emotions down.
If we decide to label our brain as abnormal and our fears as unmanly sissy disgusting weak - we will create personality disorder and mental illness. Not being genuine leads to abnormality. Trying to fit in into neurotypical conformism leads to mental illness - since we reject ourselves and we try to build fake image of narcissistic superiority built on internalized toxic shame and unprocessed trauma.
That is what Dr Berry talks here - being in harmony with ourselves.
When we were gone through narcissistic abuse and constant criticism and nagging and complainings and nitpicking our mistakes and errors - we will naturally be closed and have attachment issues and have no eye contact and we will appear without social skills to third party - but in reality - this behaviour is not lack of social skills at all - it is complex trauma being trapped inside our body, unprocessed, unhealed trauma of being exposed to psychopaths and sadists who mask their abnormality by glib charm and playing victim to general population.
Social anxiety is empathy - because we restrain from making drama and hurting intrusive people. Instead of Fight response -we engage in Fawn response and Negative politeness. That is empathy, that is toxic empathy.
Socially anxious people already have empathy inside - but it is toxic due to exposure to toxic people.
Socially anxious people will be quiet and shut up and self censor and hence feel social anxiety - all due to Negative politeness and toxic empathy.
The quickest way to get rid of social anxiety is to become narcissist and to narcissistically abuse people around - to mock them, shift blame on them, pick and nitpick their natural normal errors as disgusting and abnormal and personality flaw, abusing other people is connected to social anxiety.
Social anxiety stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse - toxic people are causing trauma and social anxiety.
Wrong cues are related to Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (quote below) - and RSD is social anxiety itself.
Which leads to another revelation: social anxiety is masked ADHD and masked Autism specter. ADHD does not always mean being hyperactive, ADHD means inability to keep focus - and this happens problem when faced with toxic people who shift goals and mock and abuse our errors and flaws all the time. Masking Autism will lead to social anxiety since we will stifle down our natural honest character and try to fit into conformism - and this trials to fit in into strangers just for the sake of conformism leads to social anxiety.
Humanistic psychology is based on self acceptance and self validation.
Trauma and narcissistic abuse destroy self worth and abuse is invalidation - so the cure to trauma is self acceptance and self validation.
The point of self acceptance is that we are not afraid of self expression and that we step outside of our closet and express our open opinion that we know is based on justice and common sense without violence or agenda to harm or exploit other people.
---
YT "Strategy to remove toxic people #mentalhealth #toxicrelationships"
What happens when we cannot run away from toxic people - and when we are stuck with them.
What then?
Now we are talking about social anxiety.
That is social anxiety - being stuck with toxic people and without ability to run away. That is social anxiety at its core.
We can fight them and become narcissistic and cruel. We don't want that - so our brain gave us social anxiety: Negative politeness (avoiding being truthful to people in order not to harm their feelings) and Fawning (people pleasing and codependency).
---
YT "Social anxiety doesn't have to be a permanent life fixture #socialanxiety #anxiety #mentalhealth"
Instead of self pathologizing ourselves I would rather go in direction of education about narcissistic abuse, complex trauma, Rejection Sensitivity dysphoria, ADHD and Autism - and go in direction of self acceptance and self validation.
Without toxic shame we won't put so much focus on what other people think - and we will be able to go after our dreams, goals, tasks, desires, needs, wants without seeking approval from other people beforehand for doing anything.
---
YT "No one cares. Live to your preferences as long as they are not holding you back #mindset #introvert"
Toxic people are noise and intrusive and they care what the target does - so it is easier to blame and shame and control the target.
This coercive control is integral part of social anxiety experience and toxic people cause social anxiety issues alarms.
---
YT "How long does it take to learn social confidence? #anxiety #confidence #confident"
Trying to be confident is paradox.
Trying will lead to spasm, hypervigilance and more insecurity. It leads to overcompensation too - superiority complex, building fake narcissistic image of grandeur that we might think will thwart someone being mean and rude to us. IT won't.
Paradox is . once we accept ourselves not being confident - we will become confident because we won't be preoccupied with other people's opinions and criticism anymore.
---
(9.5.2023)
YT "Not taking anything personally"
Yep, this worry monster is persistent.
I discovered that taking things personally stems from exposure to alcoholic abuse as children and narcissistic abuse as well. This means constant criticism, error nitpicking, erratic and scary behaviour by someone in authority - this will condition our mind to be on alarm - because exposure to abuse will mold mind to protect itself.
The only way that child's brain can protect itself is to be vary, to take everything personally - since none of other mechanisms were never viable such as expressing own opinion, saying no or leaving.
Abuse is one of the reason behind taking things personally.
I do not believe we can fix this by looking at the symptom: taking things personally. Trauma needs to be healed. We need to become aware what happened, that this is programming and that we need to feel safe in the present - which means getting rid of toxic people who probably surrounded us. Toxic people sniff trauma and leech on target's wounds.
Another concept that I discovered is Neurodivergency.
There is a high chance if we take things personally - that our brain is not working in the Neurotypical way (like most people) - and that our brain will process stimuli and information much deeply. This means - our brain will take things personally because of brain wirings.
This cannot be cured, this cannot be fixed. So once again - focusing on symptom will not help - and it will make things worse.
If this taking things personally stems from ADHD - and there are high chances this is symptom of ADHD - we need to learn about ADHD.
There are workarounds to help with Rejection Sensitivity, other than performing plastic surgeries on ourselves.
The general rule in psychology is that stifling down, stopping, blocking, suppressing our thoughts, emotions - will lead to unsuccessful coping/defense mechanisms - and they will backfire. What we suppress we make it stronger. That is general rule in psychology. Any ritual to ward off anxiety leads to OCD - so we will create mental illness by nitpicking our natural symptoms or either trauma, exposure to narcissistic abuse or how our brain naturally works. If we attack our brain - we will create personality disorder - because we will become convinced that we cannot trust ourselves, that we cannot lean on our decisions in life - and this will end up as toxic shame: deep seated feeling of incompetence, being weak and abnormal. Once toxic shame is inside us, our self worth will be destroyed - and we will end up with codependency and trauma bonding - depending on other people to guide is in our life, depending on their approval and commands what to do in life - since we will label anything we think as abnormal and disgusting and weird and or weak.
If we take things personally - the first step I would take ACE test to check trauma. ACE test is available online - it is quick, easy and without login required.
Another step would be to check reality and external factor - is there someone around us who is narcissistic, predatory, dangerous, violent, rude, intrusive, criticizing and nitpicking, someone with superiority/inferiority complex, someone who play victim all the time. Chances are that our issues with fears stem from such person - and blocking or minimizing contact with evil people will reflect on our better health.
---
YT "Over Explaining Part 1"
Your method is extremely insightful but also in real life it is hard.
When we decide that we must change how we act, think, behave in social situations - we are basically changing our persona. As Doctor Ramani talked about Rubberband theory - we can stretch our persona but at some moment it will snap back to our basic self.
If our Big5 persona is Agreeableness - we will snap back to being agreeable at certain moment.
When we try to act differently than our default persona - this will cause hypervigilance, worry, it will demand our focus, energy - it will be draining. Chances are we will start to suffer from social anxiety and OCD - because we will monitor our behaviour and thoughts and try to catch ourselves when we make "mistake" and start to over-explain ourselves.
That is exhausting and it will lead to mental illness in the end.
The natural state of mind is to be genuine and go with the flow.
In the real life - we will eventually be in the inferior position where we will need to over-explain what happened. Police, newspapers, boss, making any kind of report - if we do not include details, we will create problems.
As a general rule in psychology - we need to be flexible. Any rigid rule will lead to abnormality and sickness.
Any idea that we create fake image of ourselves in order to appear grandeur and that this fake image is somehow shield to protect us from getting hurt or receiving negative criticism by others - will result as narcissism and borderline - so once again - nitpicking our persona leads to mental illness.
What I would do - is to educate myself about what is happening .- and your comment is extremely educational for anyone struggling with Fawning and social inhibitions. But I would not force myself to do anything.
I would just absorb information and let my subconsciousness integrate this data -
I would not control my thinking, and I would not waste my mental energy in building a wall and self-censorship.
In real life - we can only respond to situations in flexible manner. Sometimes it is great to be quick and say little. In many other situations leaving details out leads to further problems, unnecessary drama, misunderstandings.
As you explained perfectly - being hostage, taking hostages - we are dealing here with Fawning.
Overexplaining is a mere symptom, one of many symptoms of trauma response called Fawning.
What we need to handle here is trauma being stuck inside our body.
Any kind of invalidation and any kind of enforcing of rigid beliefs into trauma - will re-traumatize us and lead to more of invalidation.
I would go in direction of Marshall Burtcher who said at his YT channel - that we do not remove nor destroy any defense mechanisms we might have - but only add to it and work with what we got.
---
YT "Toxic Shame: What It Is And How To Heal From It"
Amazing insight and helpful information.
I've read Bradshaw's book in 1998 - at the heart of toxic shame storm, the title of the book made me to buy it and read it. However it brought on to me even more shame. Perhaps it was due to poor translation of the book. Bradshaw never actually said that toxic shame is hallucination - he solidified it as incest and parents mocking child's genitalia - he wrote extreme cases and he never described social anxiety issues that most of toxically ashamed people would face : that in reality there is no overt abuse, there is covert abuse, constant criticism masked as care and discipline and instruction. He never explained that part as good as you did in this video. Bradshaw never explained the process of removing shame - he inadvertently made the shame big and hard to conquer. Criticism of his book wasn't helpful much in the process. I have read this book through the course of 20 years - and only in 2020 there was a video about his book where one guy explained the concept of egocentrism - which Bradshaw never actually explained in his book - which is fundamental in learning about shame. Bradshaw's explanation of egocentrism was a walls, boundaries which is misleading.
What I see here is that toxic shame can lead either to narcissism or people pleasing fawning. Sam Vaknin talks about this core feeling of worthlessness. This mixture of narcissism and toxic empathy was extremely confusing for me for this 20 years - I could not understand how one person who is feeling anxiety can be mean and rude to other people - since they know themselves that anxiety is painful. Narcissism explanation as perceiving self as righteous while other people are trash- explains evil people - this was missing puzzle for me. Without this fact I would lean on people pleasing and codependency, thinking I can do or say something to make evil people good if I am only patient enough and stick around them long enough and shower them with love and attention - which ended up as abuse.
ADHD factor. The latest discovery for me that feelings of shame can be sign of ADHD and neurodivergent mindset. Dr Dodson said that ADHD child receives 20.000 negative messages by the age of 13 - which can be candidate for toxic shame being installed in anyone who is slightly different than typical kids, neurotypicals. ADHD concept - once we realize we are on the specter of ADHD and Autism - is the same as you described in this video about toxic shame. People with neurodivergent minds learn how to mask and make their true self functional - at the expense of making false fake persona which takes a lot of money and energy to keep up, it is exhausting. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is concept connected with ADHD and Autism - and in its description RSD is toxic shame itself. I would go with Unifying theory of everything with Toxic shame. Toxic shame is the source from which all other psychological issues stem from.
Another factor that is important to mention is Shame Culture countries where honor is important - and living in such ambient will result in toxic shame issues. So not only parental figures are problem here, but also society in the general. Toxic society.
Very close issue here is LGBT - where anyone who is different will go through toxic shame process of hiding true self by building up fake image to maintain - and of course this constant hiding will result in anxiety and depression.
I would note that external factor: rude, aggressive, intrusive people, people who shame and bully others are crucial in being triggers to anyone struggling already with toxic shame.
As I understand from this video - with embracing our true self - we no longer will be stuck on what someone hysterical and evil is thinking about us or talking about us. Their opinion will no longer be our primary focus and something to appease.
And lastly, in this year I learned the new concept for me, called Depressive Realism - where people struggling with anxiety, fears, catastrophizing, worries, OCD, rumination - are actually not delusional at all. They see reality as it is- and people who are not scared are actually delusional since they delude themselves by ignoring facts and objective harsh reality.
The missing puzzle for me - is that seeing reality is not the same as experiencing it.
With toxic shame we do not experience reality - we see it, we feel it and then we cover up, avoid or run away. Due to toxic shame, not because of objective reality where we are harmed or chased away.
---
(11.5.2023)
YT "How To Stop Taking Things Personally"
"People have the right withing the realm of things that are legal to show up in whatever way they show up in the world"
This is fuzzy from my experience.
Mobbing at work - and without means to find another job, I will get stuck with toxic ambient and toxic people. Where if I do not shut up and if I never say No - is the way to keep safety, security.
I think this taking things personally is connected with finances and poverty and lack of shelter too rather than only emotions.
I am talking about things in external outside of our control which have direct impact on our lives - like living in super toxic poor country with high corruption and without means of escaping it due to papers, legal reasons and or third parties or conditions such illness - or even things like often migraines and chronic fatigue - other than finances. Then the person is stuck with someone who is oppressive, state of poverty - I think this external conditions play crucial role in taking things personally alongside with emotions and working on our Jung Shadow as explained in video (being self righteous and toxic ourselves).
Then this external factor becomes the agent which is sabotaging us - that needs closer inspection. If we decide to fix ourselves only - this external factor will keep on dysregulating us.
If we live in corrupt country where police, judicial system, ethical standards are non existent - where we do not have protection and we get insults and attacks by psychopaths and sociopaths who have protection by authority - then this needs to be inspected: what can we do about these oppressive issues that goes in the realm of politics, totally outside of our emotions and mind patterns.
I think if we work on ourselves, if we become super-forgiving and understanding and have full capacity to not take things personally and not get triggered - that this external factor will do the damage. And I think it would be helpful to realize this external factor is problem - so that we do not take self blame and guilt on ourselves over things which are absolutely outside of our control.
External factor: people, toxic society - will explain and direct and command and brainwash us to take the blame on us, for any problem that they create.
Think of dysfunctional families - where children without school and money are forced to endure life with someone narcissistic and toxic every day.
I would go into this direction of External factor for all of us who have done all the humanly possible inner work and still take things personally due to toxic people around us and situations which are outside of our control and yet in the same time we are explained and mocked and attacked for not controlling and fixing problems which we cannot fix.
---
11.5.2023
YT "When Each Attachment Style Meets A Narcissist"
Listening to Heidi the missing puzzle pieces fall into place.
I realized watching Limerence video that simply because I might misinterpret other people - it does not mean that automatically the opposite is true. It just might be that I am totally correct but even worse than what I imagine it to be. Or more likely it is some third unknown alternative - that is not connected neither to my interpretation or the opposite of my interpretation. This explains so much confusion that I was getting through from others and self help books and resources. Now it makes sense.
With attachment styles - it was confusing topic to me, I never really understood it clearly. Heidi explains it perfectly and most importantly she presents what healthy side looks like -
and now another block becomes clear. With CBT I was instructed to destroy social anxiety by opening up to people - and this way I would ignore red flags and allow a lot of negative behaviour inside - just because CBT said that avoiding people is sickness and abnormality, that this is personality disorder - so I stopped blocking people in general. Needless to say - plethora of parasites plagued me - and I would not allow myself to put boundaries - since avoiding people CBT say is mental illness.
Now I know that red flags - are red flags. IT is ok to avoid toxic people.
Heidi explained that noticing narc patterns is a part of secure attachment, Until now - I believed that this noticing is my hallucination and over-sensitivity - and this caused a lot of confusion - whom I trust, how can I trust myself if CBT explains noticing as anxiety and something that is abnormal and sick, disorder.
Heidi is spot on with seeking Code, to find solution - as she was spot on describing toxic shame as feeling contaminated.
She really gets issues deeply.
Yet - this sentence is cracking the code - this is the solution what she said:
"The same way I would not ask a friend with a severe physical disability to help me with predominately physical – I would not ask someone with a severe emotional disturbance to be the person who respond securely to me."
---
(12.5.2023)
YT "How codependency creates anxiety."
Ok, but anxiety itself - it needs to be processed and understood. Suppressing anxiety and finding scapegoats is a form of suppressing the pain, as ultimate goal to never feel anxiety - that is not healthy.
Soon enough we will find ourselves in difficult, mysterious unknown situations - and when we copy-paste our previous similar experiences which are actually different - will produce dysfunctional reactions to issues ahead. Rigid mindset and overcompensations (building fake image of being strong) are always unhealthy.
---
YT "How to start standing up for yourself"
Voicing your opinion will get you fired in real life - no income, no money to pay rent, food.
Living in NY or LA will be great to find another job quickly since economy is functional there - however in the rest of the real world - without job means not having means to live.
Radical honesty is great and amazing - but it will get you harmed or worse when criminally insane person is on the other side.
Sex is not motivator for anything in life after you pass teen years and step into real world.
Idea to equate "weakness" with personality trait and character leads to mental illness and personality disorder.
Narcissism is living in fantasy world where you invent your own reality - and this can end up as schizophrenia.
This perspectives where you see the world as battle and that other people are ordering and commanding you and that you need to battle this - is distorted view of reality.
It seems to me you mix up radical honesty with being cruel and antagonistic and seeing world as black and white.
Radical honesty is not having Negative Politeness - that we do not cut ourselves short for shutting up and not telling the truth to someone who is intrusive and annoying and crossing boundaries.
You mix up Radical honest with Depressive Realism - where we see reality as it is. Reality is depressing - and we cannot fix the world, take too much responsibility or belief we can control outside circumstances and other people.
Die alone speech sounds to me like Avoidant Attachment issue.
When we die - our gym muscles and money we accrued will not go along with us into after-life.
Deficiency motivation never works, it makes atmosphere of neuroticism.
---
YT "How can you repel toxic people? What is the key habit to cultivate? #toxicpeople"
Nope-
Assertiveness will keep you trapped in Drama Triangle. Toxic people love endless arguments, they lie, they are pathological liars - so they will keep you stuck in making the same argument over and over again while in the same time gaslighting and blame shifting everything on you.
Assertiveness is marketing scam - it does not work in real life.
Any arguments we will have in this life will be with toxic people - those who love conflicts and drama - and assertiveness is pouring oil into the fire.
The correct approach is Radical Honesty and avoiding Negative Politeness - telling the truth, being objective, and cutting toxic people out as much as possible. Not talking to them, no contact with them.
---
YT ""
I agree totally with you. I tried to explain this in AvPD videos - but many people , authors will get offended and they don't want to listen to this facts.
AvPD by definition is extreme avoiding of people yet craving to have friendship connections in the same time.
I believe avoidance of people stems from Complex Trauma - negative extreme bad experiences in the past. That is psychological issue.
However that is only partial problem.
The other side of avoidance issues is sensitivity.
It is neurological issue, not psychological. Neurological means that is how our brain is wired.
What I learned in few past months - that sensitivity is also sign of ADHD and Autism specter.
The problem is when we have no idea that there is trauma and brain wiring connected to our social anxiety - we will tend to feel less than, as you explained in your video. We will blame ourselves for feeling fears. We will try to fix our fears and feel ashamed for feeling shame - and this blame and shame will end up as Toxic shame - and once toxic shame is inside us - we will hate ourselves and destroy our core identity being inside us -
once we have no self worth - we are zombies - we will be at mercy of other people's emotions and needs.
In 1990s when I developed avoidance social anxiety issues - there weren't any resources about sensitivity and brain wiring - and in the same time - fears and panic were explained as abnormality, something to fix, suppress and something to be ashamed of and try to crap fit into conformism and groupthink of neurotypicals (most people herd mentality).
So I am so glad that young people will not live in information isolation and instead they can grasp and understand what is really going on , and not feel ashamed about who they really are inside.
---
(13.5.2023)
" hey how to solve this problem? I am on meds but it’s not helping."
I hated meds, I felt hijacked and it never took off toxic environment - since toxic ambient is not controllable by us.
The way I see it 7 months later - is that this social anxiety trauma stems from ADHD and Autism specter. It is called neurodivergency. This is not sickness nor abnormality.
Our brain is working differently than most of people (neurotypicals). Our brain will seek and process information in different manner that looks alike worry and OCD to third party.
This comment is too short to write about it - but check out my Psychology playlist videos - I make concepts into each video,
also check out my blog where I write in detail about social anxiety issues -
and I founded Reddit forum where I put ideas in concise post, in easy vocabulary with plethora of quotes and external resources to explore.
Our only weapon is education, that we know what is going on.
Links are in my Profile - about -
you tube algorithm will delete my comment if I put links here.
---
"But...how do you make a difference between those who start blaming others because of a trauma and those who are used to do it. "
This is excellent observation.
Well - we can get education in learning red flags and we can devote time and learn about narcissism and toxic people.
Sam Vaknin is excellent resource - he has free book download NPD quotes and a lot of video information.
Another excellent resource is Doctor Ramani.
The bottom line is that we can never know why people are evil and what causes them.
We do not have Star Trek technology to scan their brain, their genes, we do not have time travel technology to monitor their past - we rely on their pathological lying and their skewed tunnel vision confirmation bias as the only information about them - and of course their behaviour - which may for all we know be guided by parasites and hormones disbalance hiding in their body...
The point is - we do not know. We can't know.
So - the only thing we can do is take care of ourselves.
We can cut them out of our life.
We can make peace that toxic people are part of this planet and we cannot heal them, we cannot control them, we are not prison system so we cannot persecute them.
But in the same time we cannot be silent about it, we cannot shut up and self censor ourselves about evil people since this will allow their abuse to continue.
We really need to find sweet spot where are are at peace with evil people and where we talk about it and process it and know how to handle difficult people based on advice by traumatized people who learned healthy sane strategies how to handle evil people - like I said Sam Vaknin and DR Ramani are two greatest people on this planet who are available online as resource about narcissism and how to handle narcissistic abuse.
We must know that our drive to learn about narcissism is obsession and it is not healthy. It is alarm that we did not process trauma - and that we need to feel the pain, process the pain, know how to handle pain and hurt and difficult people - without blaming ourselves and without having codependent need to fix other people and being stuck with them or hoping that they will change if we only decode evil people and learn some magical secret how to handle them -
because there is no magical solution.
Our education is the only weapon that will not land us into jail or complete mental breakdown in handling toxic people in our life.
---
Most probably these deep process stimuli is HSP, and it is ADHD, Autism specter.
All these are not sickness nor abnormality nor disorder nor anything to fix.
It is called neurodivergence.
Neurodivergence means that our brain is processing information on different manner than most people (neurotypicals) and Neurotypicals will often see our ways of thinking as abnormality and something to cure - because for them to use parts of brain in deep manner is painful and scary - so they see danger when we think this deeper way.
When we believe their quick misdiagnosis about us - we destroy our self worth - and this is causing secondary damage: we internalize their toxic shame, mocking, lying about us and we end up being invalidated by them and ourselves - as Elaine Aron described in her book HSP.
IF you want to learn more - check out my Psychology playlist videos, blogs and reddit forum - links are in my Profile - About.
I cannot post them here because you tube algorithm will delete,hide my comment if I do.
---
"but what if I suffer all the time and can never enjoy a day at work due to this illness I don’t think that’s healthy my coworkers enjoy their days and I’m just terrified "
Good observation, once more.
From my own experience and as I gathered knowledge from psychological resources - the problem is that we internalized toxic shame about us. We accepted automatically other people's misdiagnosis and observations - and we created a false self which must be happy and chirpy all the time without signs of anger or distress.
And we try to keep this imaginary imposed image of superiority and strength that is not allowed to be sad and process life in deep manner.
Most probably toxic people around us nitpick our opinions and mock them or react in anger to our comments and observations - and this way we learn to build fake image that is not allowed to be human, or "weak" - but it must be happy so that people around us are not triggered - we appease their expectations and well being over our own.
The way I see the exit is self worth, true self image, our true genuine self which is allowed to be herself/himself as it is.
It took me a lot of time to realize that I lack this personal role model that would allowed me to shame my own identity and persona who I wanted to become that is true to myself, genuine and authentic who I really am.
The most easiest way is to look at others -
Rock music, rock lifestyle - is the only one that is allowing a person to be himself, with anger, with fears, with pain, with energy to roam around, without hiding, without people pleasing, with caring a lot about people in the same time. It allows us to integrate our persona that is composed of conflicting messages and toxic ambient around us.
Once we can rely on our persona, our true self, when we validate ourselves and when we stop depending on other people to feel good about ourselves - magically we will enjoy our days like other people.
---
"If I feel I can express what I go through I would be able to handle camera."
Yep.
And I see healing - that we no longer see ourselves through the prism of being able or not being able. Ableism is doing this drive that we observe life from being able or not able to do something.
As if we are ok and accepted if we are able -and in case we can't be able to do something we are monsters, freaks, abnormal, weak and something to be ashamed and hidden away from other people to see.
Ableism is part of Neurotypical world which is actually mental illness - and abnormality.
Ableism will tell the opposite - ableist will claim that we have mental illness and that we are abnormal for not achieving nazi ubermensch belief about what human being is deserving to be.
At our core we are all equal. There are no better or worse people.
Destroying self worth is the first thing which evil people do, narcissists attack self worth first - and we end up with social anxiety symptoms when they do.
---
(14.5.2023)
" Remember that there are various therapeutic approaches available, and finding the right one for you can make a significant difference in your well-being."
Problem is - anyone who is struggling with social anxiety will seek help - and in poor country therapist only know CBT. The self help books and any online resource about social anxiety is based on CBT.
There is not even explanation that this is CBT when there are articles about social anxiety, nor that there are other therapies available.
Even wikipedia states that CBT is default therapy for treating social anxiety.
CBT never mentions to anyone with social anxiety that social anxiety might be part of ADHD or Autism. This information is hidden away. Why? (this is rhetorical question). Why is information hidden from general public and getting to information about ADHD is more like entering secret society and being initiated into secret.
CBT must be banned,
it is misleading , it is filled with hypercognition (quick label and stigma) that leads to misdiagnosis - and hence it is doing damage.
---
YT "Healing Fucking Hurts"
As I watched this video I got huge migraine and white background was hard to stay focus, I had to take a nap along with aspirin.
Heidi explains in laser sharp clarity all the fuzzy things that books and other resources tried to explain in vain.
IT is like she pulls the curtain of Oz and shows us who and what is behind the curtain of otherwise complex and scary phenomena presented to us in life.
I always believed that feeling the pain and hurt is sickness and abnormality, that seeing reality means being perfect and that healing means being chirpy and happy all the time. So this video answers a lot.
The word Delusional was trigger for me - because this is what CBT is trying to explain to anyone with social anxiety. That our panic and fears and anxiety is hallucination - but CBT is explaining this in totally wrong manner. CBT's version of delusions are plain wrong, CBT explains delusion as our personal abnormality that those who already personalize someone's anger and mood will end up personalizing this CBT's explanation as our brain is abnormal and our whole person character - all our tools that we posses are inept, wrong to the core and hence we cannot rely on ourselves at all - but leech and depend on others to explain us what is reality.
Heidi is making clear explanation the concept of our false rules - the concept which I read so many times - but previous explanations did not make it separate from self blame and the fact that these defense mechanisms are not endemic to us - that all people are doing it, especially those who went through dysfunctional toxic ambient while growing up.
Now I truly understand what CBT means by delusions and this is great insight, once again, once more from Heidi - At this moment Heidi is the top You tube resource for anyone struggling with trauma, after effects of abuse, social anxiety - she went through it, she knows how to explain terms in translated ways so we can understand them clearly and without misinterpretations.
---
(15.5.2023)
YT "Do You Struggle With Social Anxiety Disorder? (Find Out TODAY!)"
Missing information:
- social anxiety and social anxiety disorder is not the same thing. Disorder is explained in self-help books as insignificant events social situation. It does not cover abuse, coercive control, toxic ambient.
Social anxiety is not sickness. Without some levels of social apprehensions - we would be dis-inhibited, we would be anti-social and smell bad and we would abuse other people, really harm them in any possible way (physical and psychological)
- Rejection sensitivity dysphoria - ADHD may be masked condition behind social anxiety issues. Ableism makes us believe that there is only one way how brain works acceptable. That is a lie. Neurodivergence is real thing.
- CBT will not work because CBT is therapy of ableism and it is a form of narcissistic abuse.
Social anxiety is issue of Complex Trauma - caused by narcissistic abuse and neurodivergent brain mixture.
The title itself leads us to realize it is called social+anxiety. It is social, there is social element, social factor that is causing the anxiety. It is not called self - anxiety.
Instead of CBT there is Humanistic Psychology - which is based on validation and self acceptance which helps both to trauma, victims of narc abuse and with neurodivergent brain.
Social anxiety is not psychological issue, it is neurological.
Psychological issues occur around social anxiety - with toxic world not tolerating different people - and then this mash up and glues itself onto social anxiety - so now to third party it appears as social anxiety is psychological problem, while at its core it is not.
---
Chances are we would experience bullying later on if we did not experience it in childhood.
Our brain is working differently than neurotypicals. This nerodivergence concept is not covered by CBT and this is the reason why CBT is doing so much damage to anyone seeking genuine help and information. CBT lies and makes our trauma masked and covered up, it makes trauma functional and abuse and bullies functional too.
Then Pharma mafia makes profit on our neurosis too - and when it is not working (due to toxic ambient we are inside) CBT will simply write us off as being lazy.
---
YT "How To Overcome Social Anxiety | 7 Best Ways"
Exposure leads to re-traumatization.
List of fears leads to hypervigilance and OCD, we make rituals whenever we make defense against any anxiety: defense mechanisms. List of fears will make our fears into god, we will make more fears by being focused on the problem. IT will not help in any way to be focused on drama.
De-sensitization will not help like it did not help in Clockwork Orange. De-sensitization leads to masking true trauma inside buried deep down along with toxic shame, and it makes abuse and toxic ambient functional - and we will end up crashing down with this approach eventually.
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
Suppressing negative thoughts will lead to Optimism bias where we will make excuses for abuse and when someone poops in our bed and contemplate defamation at court.
Assertive skills lead to being stuck in Karpman Drama Triangle where abusers, narcissists like endless arguments and using private information and emotions that we give them freely.
CBT is therapy of Ableism and hyper-cognition that makes more damage than good.
"Everyone experiences anxiety at some degree"
When I wrote topic about this at main reddit forum for social anxiety I was banned and my post was deleted and posters commented that I was lying.
---
YT "don’t let your social anxiety hold you back in the office 🥳 #anxiety #workplace #therapy #foryou"
"opening up" works in psychological safety.
IT will not work where there's mobbing, narcissistic abuse, toxic ambient of any sort.
---
YT "How to get over Social Anxiety"
Rejection is RSD - and there is no cure for it.
Forcing our brain to be neurotypical leads to mental illness where we equate being social as being healthy and normal - which is not true.
If we live in Nazi Germany - it would be sick and evil to be social with Nazis and support their concentration camps ideas.
Some people cannot leave toxic people and are forced to stay in social settings - so this argument of leave toxic people does not work in real life.
---
YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety: My Personal Journey and Actionable Tips"
First of all you mix up social anxiety with social anxiety disorder. These two things are not the same.
Social anxiety allows us to consider how we affect other people. Without social anxiety we would be toxic, abusive and narcissistic - egocentric.
Social anxiety disorder is trauma, and it is not actually disorder at all. It is related to abuse and complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD) but it is also connected to neurodivergency through Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, so it is on ADHD and Autism spectrum - which means there is nothing to fix nor treat it is simply how brain is working, being highly sensitive - this is not sickness nor abnormality.
If we believe this is abnormality - we will develop personality disorder and mental illness, self pathology and self blame, toxic shame.
"uncomfortable at social situations" - it is sign of trauma, ADHD and autism.
"push myself, meet new people" - this is called Masking and Functional anxiety. This does not mean that social anxiety is gone. It is simply masked now. Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety yet performed in front of billions of people without problem and he ended in tragic due to unprocessed trauma behind it.
"Exposure" - leads to Masking and making anxiety Functional, it also leads to re-traumatozation and making defense mechanism covert.
"Exercise" - has nothing to do with trauma.
"Support from friends" - socially anxious people do not have friends due to negative experience with toxic people who caused social anxiety issues in the first place.
"Seek help" - most therapist base their "cure" by CBT - and that is the worst therapy for social anxiety due to ableism.
"Diet" - has nothing to do with trauma.
"Deep breaths" - rituals lead to OCD
"Mindfulness" - lead to rumination
"Challenging negative thoughts" - rituals lead to OCD.
"Take small steps" - social anxiety means toxic shame - so steps will lead to feeling of being contaminated.
I had no idea what you struggled with, but you never had social anxiety in the first place. You were simply shy.
When you label your shyness as social anxiety you are making huge damage to people with real social anxiety who are struggling and then you give advice to expose which will make trauma worse.
"Skills" - socially anxious people already have social skills. This is another clue you never had social anxiety at all. You were simply shy, you had some mild shyness. Not social anxiety.
You never mention HSP, RSD, toxic ambient nor narcissistic abuse - and that is definite sign you never ever had social anxiety, only shyness that you labeled as social anxiety.
---
YT "Social Anxiety In School - How To Navigate Peer Relationships And Classroom Dynamics"
This does not cover abusive and violent peers or teachers and how to handle them. The actual true cause of social anxiety to begin with - narcissistic abuse and toxic people - hence the name afterall. IT is called social+anxiety. It is not called self anxiety.
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YT "5 Effective Tips and Techniques to Overcome Social Anxiety and Live a Happier Life #anxiety #happy"
"Challenge negative thoughts, replace them" leads to OCD.
"Practive mindfulness" leads to Self absorption paradox.
"Breathing, relaxing crap" leads to de-sensitization to abuse and toxic people, enabling to abuse us.
"Expose" leads to re-traumatization and making defense mechanisms covert and masked.
Horrible advice.
"Trained professional" will base their "expertise" on CBT - which is therapy of ableism and making money on people's trauma by Pharma mafia.
Please just stop. You are making more damage here to many kids who did not spend 20, 30 years learning psychology so they cannot recognize the amount of crap here.
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YT "Too 3 ways to eliminate social anxiety - #shorts #socialanxiety #selfimprovement #selfcare #social"
"Face your fears head on" leads to Masking and making abuse and trauma Functional. Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety but it was functional - he performed in front of billions of people without trouble - yet his life ended in tragedy because his trauma was masked and functional. The same story with Prince.
Social anxiety will not go away with talking to people - because toxic people are causing social anxiety in the first place.
Toxic people are problem. Not our reactions to them.
"Change perception of how other people see you"
"Most people do not care"
Toxic people care. And social anxiety is caused by toxic people and triggers of trauma will be turned on by toxic people.
"Mediate" Rituals related to anxiety leads to OCD and Defense mechanisms. More Masking and making trauma and abuse functional.
---
YT "How To Overcome Social Anxiety"
You mix up social anxiety with social anxiety disorder for starters. You have no idea what is the difference between these two. This will make kids and those who are not educated with psychology to quickly label their symptoms as abnormality and something to fix - this phenomena of quick (Mis)diagnosing is called hyper-cognition.
Social anxiety has two faces: trauma - which is psychological issue.
However social anxiety is also neurological: being highly sensitive and ADHD, Autism spectrum - which is not sickness, it is not abnormality neither anything to fix or hide or mask nor nitpick.
You never mention neurodivergence here.
"Going out" leads to Masking, making anxiety Functional and re-traumatization.
We can go out when we know information about Defense mechanisms and Contamination information - toxic shame , so that we do not react to toxic people in learned programmed manner.
You never mention conditioning of fear.
"Exercise" is great but it has nothing to do with trauma that is causing social anxiety. Social anxiety is also Complex Trauma - it is exposure to narcissistic abuse and inability to handle toxic people. You never mention toxic people nor narcissistic abuse here. The true cause of social anxiety to begin with: narcissistic abuse and psychopaths.
Michael Jackson had Functional social anxiety - he had severe social anxiety but he performed in front of billions of people without problem - yet his life ended in tragedy due to unresolved , unprocessed trauma. Prince too.
Someone with trauma behind social anxiety (99 percent of them) have no goals due to toxic shame and toxic ambient. You never mention toxic society and toxic people. Social anxiety is called social+anxiety due to social factor. It is not called self anxiety.
Socially anxious people already have social skills: empathy and negative politeness. This means social skills are perfect and there is no need to prune oneself even more to crap fit into abuse and toxic people who trigger social anxiety in the first place.
Challenge negative thoughts leads to OCD, more anxiety.
We use negative thinking due to trauma and exposure to criticism when our brain was forming. Overthinking is not sickness . it is sign of high IQ. Being dumb and dumbing yourself is really bad advice.
Self awareness leads to Self absorption paradox.
"Focus on others rather on self" PEople with social anxiety are already focused on others, they are zoomed onto them because of trauma and previous abuse, they watch closely how others are talking, their tone of voice and behaviour.
"Breathing" rituals in response to anxiety leads to OCD, repressing emotions leads to mental illness.
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YT "😰 Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness - The Ultimate Guide 💪 | Funny Reddit Post 😂"
This is equal to saying depressive person to smile.
Social anxiety is trauma and neurodivergence.
This means - toxic people are triggering social anxiety. Problem is not inside us - it is in external factor - which we cannot control for obvious reasons - unless we are mentally ill like Putin or Trump , where we would feel entitled to control other people.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma - which means problem lies in our defense mechanisms - yet being able to feel things deeply is neurodivergence - and being highly sensitive is not sickness nor abnormality or anything to fix.
We need to heal our trauma - our core being is not sick, nor abnormal.
When we force ourselves to "take the band aid" as it was said in this video - we will simply re-traumatize ourselves and make our trauma Masked and Functional - hidden and covered up until it festers and becomes mental illness.
---
YT "YOU need to start practicing gratitude 🙏 for social anxiety #socialanxiety #anxiety #mentalhealth"
This is the same as to say that money will make us happy. IT will. But - money will not heal the trauma nor it will make ideas and innovations and goals - when there is toxic shame inside us.
Any ritual (no matter of good intentions behind it) as response to anxiety leads to OCD and more anxiety.
---
CBT and DSM bans information about Complex Trauma - while Complex trauma is included in ICD-11.
As Dr Dodson said - DSM does not include emotions - DSM is based only on statistics - which can vary and be totally wrong due to Simpsons Paradox and other statistical paradoxes.
Trauma is not mysterious and hard to test at all.
We can quickly check the presence trauma by taking ACE test - it is available online, the test is quick and easy, there is no login required.
CBT is therapy of ableism and it ought to be banned. It is mis-diagnosing people and it is fusing character trait personality with diagnosis.
---
YT "How do you reward your efforts? #mentalhealth #mindset"
Perceiving social anxiety as Contamination - and something to destroy and suppress - leads to mental illness.
You need to re-frame the terminology you use here.
If you do not mention that social anxiety is normal reaction to abnormal people and abnormal events and abnormal situations - people who struggle with social anxiety will bury their toxic shame even more deeply inside, like parasite that is hiding inside the body.
The idea that our mind is abnormal and sick - and that the magical cure is to take actions against it - will lead to self pathology and self blame.
Social anxiety stems from exposure to abuse and toxic people - it is really after -effect of narcissistic abuse.
Exposing to people with unprocessed trauma will only lead to more narcissistic people who easily sniff easy victims: wounded people who are not aware that they were abused in the first place and that trauma is forcing them to feel toxic shame all the time.
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YT "Overloaded with stimuli? Practice meditation #meditate #meditation #anxiety"
Yep, I would go in this direction - stimuli and how we process data.
IT is integral part of social anxiety - our brains are wired to feel things deeply and to process stimuli in much detailed way than neurotypical brain.
This Neurodivergence concept really needs to be clarified and explained to anyone struggling with social anxiety.
Apart from meditation - the information I learned after I discovered ADHD - is that slowing down helps with processing stimuli that is overwhelming sometimes to our brain.
---
" Nonetheless we at Anxiety Attack believe and dealt most situations with focusing on how WE react and how WE handle our life's. At the end we can never please all people but we can have an impact on our behavior and mind. "
Narcissistic abuse is Coercive Control. There is no We. There is no reaction. There is no handling.
This CBT explanation that we react is self pathology and self blame and it turns into victim shaming quickly.
---
(16.5.2023)
YT "The Missing Piece You Need For Healing Avoidant Attachment"
I understand this concept very well -
but I noticed that whenever I meet, see, there even need to be real contact, or to face some event or undertake some new unknown project - I can only remember some past negative incident and project it in some future potential project - and toxic shame is right back and it is impossible to shake it off.
This what you are talking in this video is at the core of avoidance issues and social anxiety. This validation and self acceptance or the lack of it - is at the core.
Thanks for this vid, this is the message which our system will repel due to programming. It needs to be repeated - as abuse and shaming were also repeated as well.
---
YT "Why narcissists prey on people pleasers"
This is Why - but there is no explanation How.
How to have money to live on your own if you are poor?
How you say No to person who is able to kill you? Or destroy you in any other way possible that is legal on the surface.
This is also socio-economic issue - and this fact is often hidden and never spoken out.
---
YT "3 Things You Cannot Achieve If You Are A People Pleaser"
Fawning is trauma response.
It is programming, conditioning. This cannot be "removed" by logic, through reasoning.
Toxic people are causing fawning - people who are toxic will trigger people pleasing in others through coercive control, abuse, gaslighting and pathological lying.
---
Killing people is not personality trait.
When we tell someone is cruel - we talk about person who is cruel all the time - therefore there is no prison for them, and other people could not label him as cruel since they are isolated away from them.
Except the people in prison of course.
When someone is traumatized and decides to let their anger, grudge and frustration to decide about the faith of living souls around them - and this happens as once in a lifetime incident - hence he is not serial killer - that person technically speaking is not cruel person. He is cruel in the moment of homicide - but as you said yourself - he wasn't narcissistic nor had negative traits at all. Therefore he was not cruel. He had pain all the time - and this pain, abuse and trauma have been building up inside, unprocessed and unhealed.
So medically and technically speaking - he was not cruel. He had meltdown. For which it is obviously the fault at capitalist system which hates communism, socialism and puts people to handle oppression as a fortune and whim of life.
So what happens in the end - everyone is looking at the victim of Trump and Putin psychopaths in authority - without looking at Republicans and Tories as satanist, satan-possessed narcissists psychopaths who are causing all the pain and hurt in the world.
---
(17.5.2023)
YT "5 HIDDEN Behaviors That Destroy A Man's Confidence"
1. Constant comparison - this is very common behaviour and all people do it, it is in the media, we are taught in school to compare and toxic society is filled with it.
2. Seeking validation - Peer pressure is very common in school, early teen years, social pressure. This goes into adulthood and we see in Milgram Experiment it can cause with Nazi regime, Putin regime being approved by masses.
3. Fear of confrontation - leads to job loss. We live in toxic world where psychopaths are in power - and instead of focusing on sociopath - it is not wise to self pathologize and self blame for living in injust world.
4. Neglecting physical health - if we live in poor country or in toxic ambient - we won't have resources nor money to buy healthy food.
5. Lack of purpose - living in alcoholic family and ambient leads to toxic shame and lack of purpose because self worth is destroyed.
All of these are stemming from outside circumstances. If we decide to equate them with our personality trait and as if these are our responsibility and that we must be perfectionistic - we will develop mental illness and personality disorder.
The first step would be to develop critical thinking and never take videos information like this for granted.
Usually mentally ill people are behind them that love brainwash others just for sadistic fun.
--
We need to realize that there is deep toxic shame that is doing this fawning trauma response -
we learned this in toxic ambient where we were been punished for being authentic and genuine and we were conditioned and programmed to calm mentally ill people down (usually undiagnosed borderliners and narcissists).
There is hypnosis, programming, conditioning that is behind Negative Politeness (another term which no one mentions when talking about people pleasing - it is urge not to harm other person with truth, objectivity and authenticity)
---
It is dysregulation. When we are dysregulated - we won't be ourselves and our negative thoughts will have full reign and power.
IF we do not understand Polyvagal Theory - we will try to fix ourselves and blame ourselves - especially when there is ACE and when we are adult children of alcoholics.
When we learn about trauma (information which is banned by DSM, CBT due to Pharma Mafia which makes money on our trauma) - we actually learn that we only need to let dysregulation to go on its own. We cannot do anything about it in terms of suppressing it or pretending it does not exist or perceive it as contamination.
When we learn about trauma - we let these panic emotions to be on their own -
and we work on our trauma beliefs when we are regulated - not when we are dysregulated.
So this leads to central problem: that we get dysregulated due to narcissistic abuse.
Narcissists and toxic people trigger us.
Third component is ADHD and Autism specter, neurodivergency - which is another term banned by CBT and DSM.
CBT never mentions that we simply may be Hyper sensitive, HSP . and that we process data stimuli in deeper manner than most people (called neurotypicals).
Instead - CBT and pharma mafia are making this ability to process information deeply as abnormality and something that is abnormal and sick, something that we must hide and label as disgusting and a proof that we are contaminated and abnormal.
This way CBT is doing deep psychological damage - about something that is not abnormal at all; neurodivergent brain.
---
YT "One way to tackle feeling down"
I watched video by Heidi Priebe - she is talking about the concept of Overcompensation.
which basically is that avoiding our pain leads to overcompensation.
She talks in her videos about how we escape our legitimate suffering by masking it and making the pain functional.
Then this way we try to self-regulate ourselves by all kinds of techniques and trying to catch perfection and mask away the pain and true cause of trauma.
This can be extremely dangerous. If we never face what is problem in our life - we will never do anything about it to change it or remove it. We will never stop doing toxic habit. We will never switch toxic job. We will never leave undiagnosed borderliner partner/"friend(s)" - just for the feeling of feeling good and validated and accepted by others.
Instead of masking and making functional whatever makes us feel down - I would go in direction of feeling the pain without judgement, without self blame or shaming ourselves - to see what is bothering us as much as neutral - without trying to fix it by our attempts to make it go away or suppressing it.
Chances are that we need new model, new ambient - rather than resorting to dysfunctional mechanisms.
Denial is defense mechanisms which is not functional - and obfuscating our pain and problems is this denial
---
YT "Dealing with an Abusive Alcoholic"
This video resonate with anyone who is adult children of alcoholic.
This helps me a lot to make sense:
"Loving yourself enough not to allow someone to verbally abuse you. Don't take in what they say. It doesn't matter what they say. Because if they are inebriated (intoxicated) they're not thinking in clear mind anyway. It have no hold on you."
This means that when I try to Retort and make perfect word back to accuser -
that actually - if the other person is toxic itself, that they have Fight response and they are triggered but they overcompensate by superiority complex - what they are verbally abusing whatever they say - stems from this toxic place inside them that it really doesn't matter, it has no value.
This is missing puzzle for me. I take it for granted and I believe anyone who is verbally abusive - since I grew up with that, and I was conditioned to believe person who has mood swings and issues of regulating their emotions - as them being competent and true and superior and normal and that whatever they say is absolute truth.
I trust anyone who grew up in alcoholic ambient will know what I am talking about - where someone's criticism is always turning out as personal automatic self blame and always self fault no matter what factual reality is.
---
YT "Where does social anxiety come from?"
ACE test is available online, it is free, it requires no login, it is quick and easy. I wonder why nobody mentions it when talking about social anxiety. ACE test shows if the trauma is present - and if trauma is there - it is absolutely normal reaction to abnormal people and abnormal events and abnormal situations.
Another term that is banned from CBT ideology is concept called Neurodivergence. This means - feeling anxiety may as well be sign of ADHD and Autism specter - which is not sickness nor abnormality - it is simply how brain is working. Anyone familiar with HSP concept will recognize Elaine Aron's words from her book that we simply process information deeply, stimuli. This is not sickness, nor abnormality to cure.
IT is obvious to anyone older than 18 that fears of other people stem from trauma. Complex Trauma is another term which is banned by CBT due to Pharma mafia making huge profit from human neurosis.
Yet another term banned by CBT is Dysregulation which most therapist do not know nor understand what it is.
CBT labels and stigmatizes emotions as abnormality and sickness - and this keeps us trapped in endless dysregulation. Dysregulation means that there are trauma triggers occur - and when trauma is not healed - we will get dysregulated. Once we are dysregulated - we are not ourselves - and we need to wait for storm to pass. There is nothing we can actively do to suppress it - because this suppression and denial of pain is dysfunctional defense mechanism.
Another term which is banned by CBT is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. This means someone who is in toxic ambient and criticized all the time - it will end up as rejection sensitivity. And RSD has no cure - it will occur all the life - so once again - there is nothing we can do about it to "cure" it. Yet there are workarounds.
When we learn about trauma, as explained in this video - we can see in all this chaos and mess - that the path to handle social anxiety is through Regulation.
Instead of self blame and instead of plastic surgeries such as learning how to be assertive or social skills.
---
"I thought it was 'just solely 'the way I was wired'' seriously until like 2 weeks ago."
This is interesting because I am polar opposite than this. Until 2 years ago I believed that I was abnormal - that I am wired ok, but that I am doing something wrong (either through thinking or acting) and that I simply must discover this hidden contamination and fault inside me and then everything will be amazing in life.
IT was huge positive and relief in discovery to realize concept of Neurodivergence and realize that brain is simply using different nerves in the brain which appear as anxiety and fears.
Of course, trauma information was also great discovery for me - since it also explains that there is nothing wrong that I do, nor there is nothing wrong with me - it is the external factor that is causing social anxiety.
After all - it is called social+anxiety. Social being the external element that anxiety stems from. IT is not called self anxiety.
---
We need to be careful about self in relation to social anxiety.
Both toxic society and CBT will try to fuse and glue our trauma with our character trait, personality and persona.
Just because we feel anxiety - this does feel like being contaminated - due to toxic shame and trauma and abuse - but we are not contaminated.
Our core being is not contaminated - and there is nothing to fix inside us.
CBT will claim there is. That our thoughts are abnormal and that we need to undergo through endless plastic surgeries to become perfect version of ourselves that is numb to deep process stimuli which we have thanks to neurodivergence.
The only problem is trauma and abuse - these are psychological wounds. They are wounds. They are not marks of our persona, trait. CBT will for example claim that we need to be "courageous" and "strong" and that we need to get rid of panic and anxiety. This model of self blame leads to self pathologizing and taking abuse on our own as if we are causing the abuse and inventing it. If we believe CBT's lies - we will develop personality disorder.
In order to be psychologically healthy and psychologically safe - we need to have 100 percent trust in our brain, in our thoughts, in our patterns, in our intuition and our explanations about life -
if we doubt our reality and self - we will develop mental illness.
Now due to trauma and abuse - we do have wounds that influence our clarity and explanations and interpretations - and they require our education - not plastic surgeries nor brainwashing that CBT is promoting.
---
(18.5.2023)
I think you miss the point here.
You first need to understand why you process any stimuli deeply. It is because of nerodivergence.
This "Strong" and "Willpower" mentality is self abuse.
You get naturally strong when you know yourself, your own limits and strengths and why you behave and react in certain way - as oppose to people who were never traumatized in their lives and who did not live in alcoholic home when growing up.
Without knowing yourself you will self torture yourself and try to fit in into neurotypical world - and that is doomed for catastrophe.
---
YT "5 Ways To Improve Your Communication Skills.... #facts #communicationskills #motivation"
"Listen more" leads to people pleasing
"Use I" leads to narcissism.
"Be clear and concise" makes you boring and robot.
"Practice empathy" is fake. You either can feel other's pain or you fake it.
"Ask open-ended questions" is intrusive.
---
"This is so real. Is important to stand up for ourselves when is needed ❤"
I'm not sure you understood really what is talked here.
She DID stand up for herself and she still felt like crap. She did all things humanly possible to stand up for herself and more - and still she felt like wrong, contaminated and dysregulated.
It is not about standing up for yourself at all - it is about toxic shame and toxic people and that we take the blame on ourselves. We are conditioned to blame and pathologize ourselves when evil people come across our lives.
----
YT "VULNERABLE PEOPLE: Stop Being Taken Advantage Of"
Seems to me you could place warning comment on rental web page where this guy rental is placing his ad?
As a warning to others occupants beforehand?
You went to court with this guy and luckily got half of money - imagine living in a poor East European country where court system is not working and where you can't go to any court. I never got my deposit back, only verbal abuse from my experience.
I think what we need is deep understanding that evil people exist - they will take advantage of us in life. There are predators out there and when we engage in any kind of action and exposure - chances are there will be sharks out there.
The important thing is to understand - this is not our fault. We feel contaminated for it, we take on the blame. And toxic people give us opinion and advice that we should have done this or that - them being the captain in charge after the battle is done.
I would focus more on this self blame, self victimizing, feeling contaminated where we feel responsible for evil people and their conscious actions. Calling them narcissists is wrong - since narcissists are mentally ill. These evil people are not ill, they are evil. They have no mental illness excuse - so that we end up being responsible for not knowing in advance.
This concept need to be clear to us. Similar to Lundy quote:
Lundy Bancroft:
"Abuse is NOT caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can't manage your partner's abusiveness by changing your behaviour. But he wants you to think you can."
So basically any actions and rituals we take to modulate and fix and nitpick our personality traits of agreeableness and openness is wrong - since it leads to self blame.
I would go further and give blessings to our avoidance patterns - since this is defense mechanism which is valid for anyone who is agreeable and open to life and people. CBT and DSM will label avoidance as abnormality and something to remove and destroy - but it is the only way how to remove parasites who will leech on us naturally due to our nature.
If we decide to nitpick our personality - we will develop personality disorder and mental illness.
There is absolutely nothing wrong in being open and agreeable - this is Big5 Personality trait. This is not sickness, this is not wart to remove, this is not something we can lobotomize - this is who we are at our core.
And the magic part is as Carl Rogers said - once we accept ourselves as we are - we will magically become "assertive" - and we will protect our agreeableness and openness by not being agreeable and open anymore.
That is paradox.
If we decide to blame ourselves, nitpick our persona and hate us being vulnerable and cheated by evil people - we will develop depression and self hatred and toxic shame and destroy our self worth.
Without self worth we will develop codependency and end up with toxic people stuck with them.
IT is evil people. Abusive people abuse. That is fact. This is not our fault.
We did not cause it. Evil people do this and blame shift it on their targets.
We can speak this up - get educated about evil people facts - and talk it out. And repeat it - evil people are not our fault.
Toxic society will blame victims and targets of abuse. Since this is easiest way to justify "just world" fallacy, mass paranoia and mass delusion that evil people happen to bad people.
---
YT "Assertive Communication is the Only way to solve problems and Win hearts in Relationship"
Nope.
This "assertiveness" will not work with evil people, mentally ill people, abusers, nor parasites, nor criminals, nor Machiavellians, borderliners, narcissists, emotional vampires, professional victims etc. This will not work with people whom we need to be assertive to. Why?
Because these evil people are groomed and focused on drama only. They live in their fantasy world where they are heros and everyone else is submissive background character whos only role is to serve them.
This means - when we engage in any kind of communication with them - for starters they will lie. They are pathological liars - because they live in delusions, they have mild schizophrenia without knowing it themselves. So - how can you be open and engage in solving problems with someone who is devoted to keep drama ongoing? You can't.
That is why this Assertiveness is crap and lie and scam. It does not work in real life.
Any information we give out to these monsters - they will use it to backstab us later on.
---
This ends up as Negative politeness because when we need to be assertive in the first place - it is with monsters, evil people and pathological liars, narcissists. They will lie. Any information they give is a lie. And they're not focused on solution, they are focused on shift blame onto target. So when you engage in drama with them and seek solution - they will look how to backstab you and use any information you give them as a weapon, they will weaponize your assertiveness against you. Through lying and being aggressive and evil.
---
" In communication, tone and body language is far more important than words."
With evil person who is living in delusions it does not matter at all.
---
Toxic evil people are cancer of society.
There is nothing we can do to thwart them. This is society issue. Law and enforcement. We cannot handle delusional maniacs walking among healthy population. This is matter for the state.
---
1. "when I show how I really feel on the inside, namely, depressed, people reject me"
a) How do you know that being depressed is your True Self? Perhaps the chart True and False Self can help you. Google it.
I made videos in my Psychological videos about what is False Self. Excerpt:
"The false self, in Donald Winnicott's developmental schema, refers to certain types of false personalities that develop as the result of early and repeated environmental failure, with the result that the true self-potential is not realized, but hidden."
Also:
False Self -versus- Authentic Self:
Others first - Self care
Fix others - Self regulation
Conforms - Speaks truth
Repress & avoid - Express freely
Validation & approval - Integrity
b) Focusing on other people to feel good is called External referencing locus of control.
There is intrinsic locus of control. Check these concepts too.
c) Learn about Egocentrism - that we have ability to put ourselves in other people shoe's- The reason why people reject depressive people is because it is draining and they hurt seeing you being hurt. They cannot control you nor fix you - and you are walking wounded, not helping yourself. So - they will step back. When you are wounded - you are prone to become codependent and unable to manage your life. This is why we listen to Heidi videos in the first place-
she is talking about steps how to step into our power without developing narcissism and fake persona of superiority. We are all dealing with depression - and it won't help if we are crabs in bucket pulling other people down.
2. I think you are victim of Hypercognition. You get labeled as Depressive person and you believed this stigma and quick label and you develop person around this label that other people quickly put on you. You got mislabeled by others.
In reality - it is probably you have mild ADHD - which is not sickness nor abnormality. It is neurodivergence. Check out online tests - more than one - and see what your levels of ADHD you have.
It might also be Autism Spectrum.
This is called spectrum because neurodivergence is not Boolean on or off, it is fuzzy logic, it is not black or white - it is gray.
---
ADHD and Autism can be masked and functional. That is the greatest detriment to CBT and mental health industry - it is covering up our true state by quick fixing something that is not broken - but which neurotypical society stigmatize as broken.
I also thought I have no ADHD - the first 2 tests I have taken went negative and on third test I strike 2 traits positive.
Many people with ADHD are writing that they were struggling with depression for 40 years only to find out in their 50s or 60s that it was ADHD all along actually.
I would also like to make clear - that I am not blaming you at all and I am not telling you that you must not be depressed.
If there are circumstances in your life which are outside of your control that are harmful and painful and hard - it is totally normal to be depressed. IT would be wrong to suppress it or that someone from internet tells you what you must feel.
As I understand Heidi videos - and I need time to process complex information as anybody else - is that our circumstances and our feelings are not problem.
The problem is how we perceive ourselves inside them.
We will tend to feel contaminated and blame ourselves as if we are wrong in some way. This toxic shame is extremely hard to describe - but it is automatic guilt.
I think as I read your story - is that you struggle with it too.
Also I forgot to mention:
There is concept called Depressive Realism -
"Depressive realism is a hypothesis that people with depression are more likely to accurately assess certain situations than those without depression. Two professors of psychology, Lauren Alloy and Lyn Yvonne Abramson, developed the depressive realism hypothesis in the 1970s."
So in the end -
yeah, as Karin said in her comment -
when someone is drowning - no one can rescue this person because the drowning person will drown anyone in panic, pull them down beneath the water.
That is happening when you notice that people avoid you due to your "depression".
As I understand Heidi - we need to get clear on our reaction, our internal personal reactivity to pain, suffering, unfair people and events around us - so that we do not equate this pain with our character, persona.
We do it - we equate some unfortunate event and difficult people with our guilt, as if we are responsible for negative people and negative things that randomly happen.
This fusion needs to go. This fusion of emotions and self worth is the problem here.
If we succeed in this de-fusion - we will feel less depressive.
And in the same time - if we have neurodivergency - we will tend to overthink and be sad in general - not because of depression but because our brain is working this way.
So it is important that we do not take someone's label as fact too quickly.
---
"*Try to be vulnerable
"
I'll definitely write topic about vulnerability on my reddit social anxiety forum - check it - link is in my profile - about.
Vulnerability is paradox.
We can be vulnerable in a way that we do nothing out of our life.
Or we can be vulnerable in a way that we are active and expose ourselves all the time and hence be vulnerable.
These are two types of vulnerability - so it is complex and confusing.
I forgot to mention to ana:
When we do not know who we are - other people will define it for us.
They will stick label on us, they will diagnose us and they will stigmatize us quickly -
and this happens when we do not know our roots, when we do not know our self worth - when we were traumatized in childhood, surrounded in toxic ambient - we then are programmed to let other people to define us and explain us what we feel and what we think and who we are. They will gladly put names at us - no matter if it is true or false.
That is why I would encourage anyone struggling with fears and anxieties -
start with tests which are banned from CBT:
ACE test - quick online test to check the presence of trauma.
ADHD test - quick tests also available online without login required.
And Heidi's tests are helpful: Attachment Tests- mine was Fearful Avoidant.
When we have no idea that trauma is inside us - we will be labeled as shy or introverted for avoiding social settings.
Without ADHD test - we will be labeled as depressive.
CBT is not telling us that there is Masking phenomena and making disorder Functional. These two obfuscating factors are banned from CBT information - you cannot learn about it in any self help books or any official online resources.
Then we end up mis-diagnosed - by others and by ourselves. And then other people own us. We do not own our true self.
Other people simply explain us away who suppose we are.
---
(19.5.2023)
But if you listen to the video - saying no is codependency too...
It is one extreme into another.
You switched being open to being closed.
It is one extreme of the same spectrum - codependency - where your worth is based on other person - either to serve them or to block them. In both cases you give your power away.
You don't make assessment what you want, what your goals are, what the other person wants. Is the other person sick and they need our yes. Or is the other person manipulative and no is necessary. You don't make assessment at all- now you force yourself to build Trump Walls - and you make yourself believe you are depended on someone's attention and this is your primary focus still - with yes or no.
---
YT "Don’t try to solve other people’s problems #toxic #narcissist #codependency @elevateforselflove"
Imagine if all people just walk away.
What narcissistic , cold, psychopathic sociopathic world we would live in.
Instead of blocking our Openness and Agreeableness - I would rather focus on feelings of toxic shame we harbour inside us. And deal with those instead of blocking all people and turning into narcissist.
---
YT "How To Deal With Insults"
Jonah is insecure.
He is on an American Talk show - it is industry of 50 years that producers draw public to watch conflict.
Most of people have low IQ and like to watch antagonism - so producers who are in money making business will focus on conflict and snide remarks as fun.
Jonah does not understand this although he lives in America - so this means he is out of sync with reality. He lives in delusional world even though he is in media industry.
That is first.
Second is that he obviously lack self esteem - he feels intimidated by comment which is obviously media producent joke than reality - and takes it as personal remark.
Which means in real life he might have BO issues and he is highly aware of it.
OR he carries trauma from before where women criticized his scent.
In any case - he does not feel comfortable about his humanness and being human being like all of us - and he sees himself as better than super figure who must not possess any flaws in life.
Don't get me wrong.
Jimmy is annoying and irritating. He is problem on his own.
---
YT
"Unleashing Your Inner Confidence: A Guide to Standing Up for Yourself"
"standing up takes gut, confidence and finesse"
Nope.
It takes learning about psychology.
"Know your worth"
People who have issues with confidence have no idea of worth due to toxic shame and ACE experiences.
When we have toxic shame and trauma unprocessed - any idea of "worth" will give birth to psychopathy and narcissism.
"Be assertive not aggressive"
This leads to being trapped inside Karpman Drama Triangle. When you communicate clearly with pathological liars and covert psychopaths - someone who is devoted to antagonism - you get drawn into drama and you volunteer them your personal data.
"Listen, don't interrupt"
Listen to pathological liar?
"Use body language"
This signifies that other person is god to us and that their opinion is important to us. That is weakness.
Projecting strength is superiority complex - which is still inferiority complex.
"Set boundaries"
Saying no will get you fired. In poor country means no rent and being homeless.
Not taking BS means being hurt and harmed by psychopaths.
---
YT ""How to Stand Up for Yourself." #emotions #youtubeshorts #boundaries #trauma #confidence #psychology"
"you can choose consequences even when they are terrifying"
I do not understand.
We can choose saying no to mobbing, then get fired, then get no new job if we live in poor country, then end up homeless? Beaten up by hooligans in the streets?
Or pretending to be strong and say no to bullies and criminals and getting beaten up by them?
"Part of you that is afraid is on board"
Part of us that is afraid is Charcot Hysteria.
IT is unconsciousness. It is not on board. It is unconscious. It is beyond the logic. You cannot discipline the part of iceberg that is below the water.
"Needs to choose"
Needs? This sounds a lot like Unhelpful Rules in psychology. Tyranny of Shoulds.
"This can give you empowerment"
Power as being uber human? Narcissism?
"You're not wounded child anymore"
I am not sure you understand the inner child concept at all.
IT is not about hurting and harming other people as super figure of narcissism.
I think you mixed up many psychological concepts and now it is enmashed into mixture of popular psychology that does not work in real life and produces more anxiety and psychological issues.
The mental health means feeling the pain without putting fake narcissistic mask of superiority and pretending to be super human.
---
YT "One way to stand up for yourself and live happy #reducestress #motivation #mentalhealthmonth"
People pleasing is Fawning.
This is trauma response. This is not choice.
And nope - it is not removed and destroyed by doing the opposite - Fight response. This is again once more a trauma response.
"Taking a stand"
Will get us fired. Then who will pay our rent? Our courage? IF we live in poor country - chances are we won't find another job. Being homeless is better option? Beaten up by hooligans in the street?
"Programming has done it to you"
Nope.
It is toxic world. Psychopaths in managerial seats. Mindless sheep who vote for the criminally insane. It has nothing to do with us, who cannot control masses or authority.
Taking the blame for programming is self blame and self pathology. Please stop it.
"You gotta"
This sounds like Unhelpful Psychological rules. Tyranny of Shoulds.
It is Fantasy belief that somehow magically if we change and fix ourselves that somehow all our problems in life will vanish and all negative and bad people will leave us alone.
Nope. That is not going to happen.
Abusive people are abusive because they are evil.
It has nothing to do with our programming.
They choose to abuse other people and politics and toxic society supports evil people because many people are convinced that if someone is victim of abuse - that this is somehow victims fault for "not being strong" or "competent" enough.
And more disgustingly, the abusive person appears normal and strong for being abusive.
This is problem with society. Not with our "programming"
No amount of self brainwashing will ever change other people who choose to be evil.
Self-flagellation is the disciplinary and devotional practice of flogging oneself with whips or other instruments that inflict pain. In Christianity, self-flagellation is practiced in the context of the doctrine of the mortification of the flesh and is seen as a spiritual discipline
---
YT"Most people don't stand up for themselves: Here's how
"
"In real world you need that ability..."
This sounds like Unhelpful Psychological Rule. Tyranny of Shoulds.
Real world is complex.
Sometimes we need to stand up. sometimes this will get us fired or harmed.
Sometimes when we have urge to explain ourselves to pathological liar - we will base any contact on their lies. Lies.
When someone is criminally insane - any contact with someone who is psychopath will lead to drama with them. Narcissists, too.
There are no Rigid rules in life.
"When you have anxiety, you have cortisol..."
Sometimes what we label as anxiety is ADHD - which is not psychological issue, it is neurological brain how it works, it is not sickness nor abnormality.
"Don't fall in that mindset"
But this is paradox. Not not feeling the pain is not not feeling the pain. It is still suppressing and stifling it down.
La Pera writes on Twitter - she has borderline issues and she gives counter information - she is not completely out there herself. She explains the trauma perfectly but how to handle trauma - she fails at delivery.
Instead I would suggest you tube videos by Heidi Priebe.
Basically it comes down to our toxic shame - and how we react to triggers. The problem is that any problem will appear as contamination - and then we will panically try to get rid of it - which is not problem itself. The core problem is this feeling of contamination that we have. The belief that we are unworthy if we have problems. We fuse problems, toxic people, trauma, our fears with our basic character - and then we manically try to clean ourselves up - by being stoic, by "standing up for ourselves", by appearing strong and narcissistic with fake mask of superiority. All stemming from this feeling of contamination. Which we learned in ACE experiences.
Chances are if we feel things deeply, if we process reality in deeper manner than most of people - if pain hurts us more and on more deeply levels than most of people - that this is due to nerodivergency - and our brain is wired that way. So - there is nothing we need to fix - we need to learn how it works, educate ourselves more about being HSP and neurodivergent, it is highly likely we have masked and functional ADHD and Autism which toxic society made functional for us so that we are obeying sheep for capitalism and silent exploitation.
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YT "Set Boundaries For Yourself | Raj Shamani #Shorts"
This is true - but it does not work in real life.
People who have issues with anxiety, trauma, toxic shame - will not be able to stop rumination due to force of habit.
When we tell ourselves or others to stop something - that is Deficiency motivation - and this never works in real life.
Also, this gives birth to set of Unhelpful Psychological rules such as Tyranny of Shoulds. Where we try to build some imaginary super uber man narcissistic superhuman who must never make mistakes and must never appear flawed. This will take our money, our focus, our energy - and we will try to build walls like narcissistic Trump in order to preserve our ego.
We will naturally set boundaries when we accept ourselves as we are, when we validate ourselves and when we realize that toxic shame is inside us, making us believe we need to do something about our pain and hurt, that we are contaminated if we experience bad things in life. That we must self blame ourselves and hold inhuman narcissistic rules and levels of perfectionism which none human is able to hold.
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"create the reality for yourself where you dont need to be working that 9-5 "
That is easier said than done.
If we live in toxic ambient, in toxic country - we won't have much choices to create anything.
Also, narcissists tend to create false fake reality - and that is extremely dangerous - it can lead to paranoia, delusions and mild schizophrenia.
Reality is what reality is. When we have secure base inside us, self worth, intrinsic locus of control - then we can withstand toxic ambient to some extent and plan exit plan - which takes time and ability to withstand toxic people and toxic ambient in the meantime.
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YT "Self-Neutrality: What It Is And How To Practice It"
Self neutrality would be realization - that we are not criminally insane, we are not serial killers, we are not Putin - therefore there is nothing criminally wrong with us - as toxic shame tries to convince us otherwise.
The amount of guilt and shame is as if we pushed the world in WW2 and built gulag camps afterwards to destroy as many people as possible.
For me - the trigger is at toxic job where manager or colleague is criticizing our work, pinpoint our mistakes, yells and curse us, been abusive and hysterical. Toxic shame gets activated as if we killed someone or masses of people. This toxic shame also gets triggered/activated when this attack abuse is happening to someone else - totally not related to me.
These videos from Heidi helps with Social anxiety a lot.
Many social anxiety videos and CBT are based on personal-development and success in future, as described here in video -so that advice to cover shame is not helpful for social anxiety - since toxic shame is not mentioned at all.
I had opportunity to test this in real life today -
and it works. It really works. I read so many books about social anxiety - none of them tackled the core of social anxiety- trauma of toxic shame.
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@Nancy Bartley CBT is the only therapy that is available to learn about social anxiety works. And DSM is the only way to diagnose someone when seeking therapy.
So both CBT and DSM are having monopole in medical industry - and both are doing incredible damage - since they do not address emotions, trauma nor toxic shame.
For me personally - I followed CBT through self help books for 20 years - and I was left with people pleasing issues - and Fawning - since I know now that it was toxic shame.
I read John Bradshaw book before these 20 years span - so even John Bradshaw insight about toxic shame did not helped me at all - in fact it made toxic shame worse - since Bradshaw never explained toxic shame as hallucination.
Heidi here explains it. Now I get,. Now I understand it. Heidi is basing a lot of her views on Freud and Jung and Humanistic psychology - and that is the secret, that is missing puzzle which CBT is missing. Heidi is using the parts of CBT but presents it in Humanistic therapy - so there is no blame nor pathologizing which comes automatically with CBT.
I trust that CBT is therapy of rich. You really need to pay a lot of bucks, you need to be rich - to get the true and real information.
For all others who are not lucky enough to be born bred in rich families - CBT is half information doing more damage than good.
CBT is part of corrupt system - it has to go. It must be banned.
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(20.5.2023)
YT "Avoidant Attachment: The Blindspot That Keeps You Repeating The Same Relationship Mistakes"
"So when your partner is dysregulated, yelling at you, saying nasty about your character, it's unlikely you feel pain of that. Likely you're defensive and dismissing them, loud or inside. Problem: pain is not getting through, unable to learn the lesson:
situation is painful and needs to be avoided."
This explains a lot.
And this is what CBT is doing wrong and social anxiety advice online: we are been told that we must not avoid people and that we must expose and be strong and confident and somehow other people will not hurt us with them being nasty. Then we end up not avoiding difficult people and due to stress and pain - we end up avoiding people in general - not meeting new people or organizing parties or being initiative in anything.
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(21.5.2023)
"Enduring and accepting your own feelings"
Heidi clearly states that enduring is not the option. It is the processing that counts. If you endure something - you do not process it.
She explained this in Avoidant video:
"We just decide “I can bear anything, I can get through anything” so I will just accept any situation and then figure out how to logically maneuver my way through – we are robbing ourselves of ability to put ourselves in better situations.
Allow yourself to feel the pain consciously that you usually defend yourself against. That skill helps you set clear meaningful boundaries. We need negative emotion to help us break loops of bad behaviour and start choosing different things."
The point is that when we tell someone how they should be, how they should fix themselves - whom they must talk to, how they must talk to - we are robbing them from learning experience and seeking with their own eyes what happens when we do xyz and what happens when we do abc. Also - by telling someone what they should do we are putting tyranny of shoulds on them and basically telling someone with toxic shame (basic belief core programming of being inept) that they are inept to handle their own life.
As Piaget said - we teach by giving tools for kids to play with. Discipline renders autonomy useless.
The problem here is not accepting to talking to people - the core problem is toxic shame. And nope - toxic shame does not go away by "accepting" it at all. In fact - it stays solidified.
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(22.5.2023)
YT "Social Anxiety Disorder #socialanxiety #Psych #mentalhealth #anxiety"
Things DSM deliberately does not tell:
- Social anxiety is Complex Trauma
- There is difference between social anxiety and social anxiety disorder.
The same way as there is difference between narcissism and being diagnosed with NPD.
- That Social anxiety issues are Rejection Sensitivity.
- Social anxiety issues are part of many other disorders and it may be how our brain works: neurodivergence (ADHD and Autism spectre)
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YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety - Week #4"
Social anxiety is not lack of confidence, it is much worse than that.
IT is related to toxic shame which springs from abuse in childhood, living with alcoholics and being in toxic ambient (judgmental, criticizing ambient).
Comfort zone is a myth. If comfort zone idea works - poor countries would be wealthy and organized countries - instead they wallow in corruption and poverty.
We cannot will our trauma away. Idea that we are stoic leads to dysfunctional defense mechanisms - where we never work on our basic core self worth - which is destroyed by toxic shame.
When we never handle this toxic shame - we will build fake persona, with rigid mindset and someone who is perfectionist and always being afraid of being "caught up" of being weak, different.
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is also sign of ADHD - and chances are our brain is working differently than Neutotypicals.
Neurotypicals are obsessed with socializing too much and being seen and being part of groupthink and herd mentality.
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YT "The Truth About Social Anxiety - How I overcame shyness"
Social anxiety stems from abuse and trauma - being exposed to criticism and alcoholic environment while growing up.
This is not brain dysfunction - it is how brain is suppose to work.
If we decide that fears and anxieties are abnormal and something to destroy and stifle down and that experiencing anxiety means we are bad person - this thinking leads to mental illness and narcissism.
Because we will try to build fake "strong" persona who is depending on other people's admiration.
Social anxiety is:
-- Complex Trauma
- Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
- Toxic shame.
Thoughts ingrained in us are programs - put by toxic people who also pretended to not have social anxiety and to fake pretend to be without anxiety. Read this again.
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness - Freud and Jung discovered this.
IT is ok to be afraid if someone is abusive, unfair and dangerous.
If we make ourselves believe that we must never be afraid - we will become neurotic and narcissistic.
We cannot will our anxiety away. Toxic shame means believing at the core we are worthless. This cannot go away by nitpicking our brain. Our brain is working as it suppose to work.
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YT "Quit strategizing and go do it! #anxiety #mentalhealth #selfhelp"
It would be interesting to make query what happens when socially anxious just do it.
What happens in real life - they will ruminate during the event and worry afterwards.
This worry stems from Complex trauma, Rejections Sensitivity Dysphoria and Toxic shame.
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YT "How Social Anxiety Holds You Back? #socialanxiety #confidence #life #anxiety"
This calming nervous system method leads to Social anxiety being Functional and Masked.
The trauma is still there.
Toxic shame is still there.
Rejection Sensitivity is still there.
And it will fester. Jung said - what we do not see will govern our thoughts and mind and actions.
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety but it was Functional for him - he performed in front of billions of people without trouble.
His life ended in tragedy due to unprocessed trauma and unhealed toxic shame.
The same story with Prince.
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YT "EASY ACTION STEPS 4 CONQUERING SOCIAL ANXIETY! ✅"
Sounds like Masking and making anxiety Functional. So - this does not handle Trauma, Toxic shame nor Rejection Sensitivity (ADHD Autism specter).
Social anxiety is fear of rejection and negative criticism. When someone is abusing us at work where we cannot run away - we cannot walk it off if we have 6 hour shift ahead of us and them demanding perfectionism.
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YT "#social anxiety-tips,#anxietyawerness #breaking barriers,#deepbreathing,#anxietyrecovery"
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma, Rejection Sensitivity and Toxic shame.
This means - if we stop it - and if we are stoic about this trauma issues - we will stifle them down and suppress it.
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
Fusing our emotions with character trait (being weak or being strong because we feel fear) leads to Personality disorder - because our worth will depend on our emotions and how we deny them.
You are describing here Dysfunctional Defense Mechanisms - which means creating mental illness.
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety but it was Functional for him - he performed in front of billions of people without problem. Yet his life ended in tragedy due to "advice" from people like you who profess suppressing emotions and Denial mechanisms.
Please stop it, you are making things worse and you're pathologizing people.
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YT "What you should do after challenging social anxiety #socialanxiety #mentalhealth #anxiety"
Shy people will feel that.
Socially anxious people will dismiss any positive outcome as perk. And then worry about next one.
This happens due to unprocessed trauma, Toxic shame and Rejection Sensitivity.
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YT "Dealing with social anxiety"
Social anxiety does not show only in emotional or physical sensation. It is multiple, multifold.
Physical - Behaviour - Mentally - External - Mixed - Relationship/Attachment and there is Unknown Factor.
Social anxiety is not only about parties.
IT happens at (toxic) job and at one on one contact.
And no - social anxiety quitting job is out of question due to interviews and probability of living in poor country without job offerings.
Social anxiety is not about talking.
Social anxiety by definition is fear of Rejection and Negative Evaluation. This negative evaluation can be perceived without words at all.
You are describing how to make Social anxiety Functional and to be Masked. That we fit into Neurotypical herd mentality conformism where we are baggage who is going to someone else's parties and who are passive talking machines without initiative. When issues are masked - this leads to trauma being festered. Then our unconsciousness will guide us, when we engage in Dysfunctional Defense mechanisms like Denial.
"People don't care"
Toxic people care. They are manipulative and they cause social anxiety in the first place. Social anxiety stems from narcissistic abuse. Narcissists care a lot how to manipulate and control easy targets: someone who is masking their toxic shame.
Social anxiety is issue of toxic shame.
"Everybody is putting focus on themselves" This is simply not true. Toxic people exist and they are predators and parasites - they feed of narcissistic supply: other people attention - good or negative one (putting others down in public or private).
"Focus on reward"
You simply do not understand social anxiety. There is worry before, during and after event - this intrusive thoughts issue cannot be Stopped - it is the same as telling to depressive person to smile.
"Create list"
This leads to perfectionism and trying to will our trauma and toxic shame away. Doomed to fusing our emotions with our personality character. That we are good and nice if we finish our tasks, challenges - and now we will develop more of toxic shame because at the core we don't feel good and nice.
"Don't feel shame"
If we are able to don't feel shame - we wouldn't. We don't need reminder.
It seems to me you have no idea what is social anxiety.
You are invalidating traumatized people by making their trauma as stoic issue. This explanation leads to mental illness because you are keep fusing emotions with our basic character persona.
"hold water bottle"
So any ritual as reaction to anxiety leads to OCD.
Please just stop. You are making things worse. Good intentions are road to hell.
"You can say I don't know"
So what we do when the other person is bullying and screaming at us and demand answer. You do not mention hostile and dangerous people and situations where we cannot run away (toxic job, toxic family, being stuck and unable to move)
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YT "how the mind works + story of how I overcame my social anxiety"
I am not sure that nitpicking our brain is healthy.
Social anxiety stems from trauma, rejection sensitivity and toxic shame.
These are all external events that we reacted to: someone's abuse.
There is nothing wrong with us. There is nothing to fix. If we are not serial killers, Putin or desire harm to other people - there is absolutely nothing that deserves brainwashing in our brain.
The idea that we make fake imaginary delusional super brain is narcissism. This stems from toxic shame and abuse where we were abused and narcissists tend to "cure" abuse by being superior in relation to others, strong and stoic. In real life - this does not work, it is not functional.
At our core we are not superior nor inferior than others. It seems to me that you fuse your worth with feeling good and strong. That leads to mental illness and personality disorder over long time - because your good feelings will depend on what is going in external world. So if we witness a loss or mistake or attack - we will feel as bad person because our world is not perfect.
Please stop it. In the end you will become violent because your delusions will be in constant battle with reality -and this can end up as crime and schizophrenia, you may harm other people - because they do not behave in a way which you explained to yourself that life and reality must be.
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YT "FOMO is a form of social anxiety… #shorts #short #psychologyfacts"
I'm not sure you understand what is social anxiety.
Social anxiety by medical definition is Fear of criticism and Fear of rejection.
People will social anxiety will gladly isolate and miss socializing due to experiences of abuse in the past, toxic shame and neurodivergent mind which is not preoccupied with Neurotypical herd mentality.
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This is generic quote from Twitter. It is relatable to anyone with social anxiety issues - we all try to face this and find ways how to handle and manage it.
Unfortunately most you tube videos are based on CBT and Neurotypical explanations which can never help us - because the root of social anxiety is trauma and Neurodivergent brain.
Trauma needs to be fixed, but our brain is not broken - it does not need to be fixed.
At the core of social anxiety is Toxic shame.
The more we get education about Toxic shame (and complex trauma and neurodivergency) we will feel more of self worth.
Our self worth (persona, true self) is destroyed due to abuse and toxic shaming - so there is no fix. There is layering off lies and false explanations that we were bombarded with, such as this video.
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YT "Dr.Andrew Huberman Reveals "The Secret" to Banishing Social Anxiety Forever | End of Social Anxiety"
1:30 "Direct your attention outward"
The attention is already outward. Socially anxious people are focused on social. The cause of abuse which caused social anxiety in the first place: angry violent rude people and watching for its signs. That is why social anxiety is called social+anxiety. Due to anxiety that stems from the social factor, element. it is not called self - anxiety.
The clinical definition of social anxiety is Fear of criticism and fear of negative evaluation by others. Triggers, criticism.
2:15 "Behavioral therapy can be valuable tool"
This will increase toxic shame which is at the core of social anxiety. Core belief of toxic shame of being inept to handle life. This approach will confirm that there is general core wrongness and contamination inside which is abnormal. Which is not true at all. If we are not Putin - there is nothing broken. If we are not serial killers - there is nothing to fix. IF we desire no evil for other people -we are not sick and our behaviour is not abnormal. This kind of neurotypical explanation of superficial view of social anxiety leads to more anxiety and toxic shame. We end up believing we need to learn "socially acceptable" - and end up with severe personality disorder. Also this abnormal CBT approach leads to OCD and perfectionism - that we must never be mistaken, wrong or flawed.
3:33 "It's often that predator holds the gold"
Excuse me? Staying in contact with abusive person is not gold. This is terrible advice. Narcissists live in delusional world, like author of this video - this is mild schizophrenia - to argue and try to reason with delusional person who is egocentric is like trying to block the strong wind with our hands. That is not our job and nope, we cannot heal, fix or reason with mentally ill people. This approach leads to codependency.
5:01 "cultural factors"
Try socio-economic issues instead. Someone without shelter will hardly be confident. Someone without money won't have resources to feel satisfied Maslow Needs. If someone is stuck in toxic ambient - it is hardly that this person will be confident.
This video says nothing about Complex Trauma, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria nor Toxic shame -
and instead it tells us that Japan has different culture? So what? Who cares?
In any culture alcoholic critical parenting will destroy children's self worth. It has nothing to do with Tea ceremony rituals.
We can test if trauma is present by ACE test - it can be taken online, without login, it is quick and anonymous.
Also there is test for Attachment styles which are not mentioned at all in this "educational" video.
There is also no mention of neurodivergence at all.
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YT "Post-Event Rumination: How to Stop Ruminating After Social Events"
This is extremely interesting to say that:
"Post-Event Rumination: How to Stop Ruminating After Social Events"
Because Dr Dodson states that post-event rumination is not social anxiety. He says this is the only sign of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria that makes difference between RSD and social anxiety.
I wrote to him that he is wrong and that all social anxiety resources state that social anxiety is worry before the event, worry during the event and worry after the event (rumination, post mortem phenomena). In case if event for success/neutral - socially anxious person will label this event as fluke and dismiss it as unworthy to look at.
Quote from Good Therapy web site:
"RSD is often mistaken for social anxiety, since both involve a fear of rejection. However, social anxiety generally happens before the experience, not after. People with RSD don’t necessarily feel distressed or uncomfortable when they interact with others, unless that interaction involves something they see as criticism or rejection."
Rumination can be sign of being highly sensitive and hence noticing details.
It can also be sign of being highly intelligent and noticing details which most dumb people are unable to process or notice.
It is almost certainly result of trauma and abuse - rising up in alcoholic home and critical parenting where our mistakes were punished in age when mistakes are normal and part of learning - which leads to perfectionism and neurosis in adulthood.
It is interesting that rumination was not clear to me for many years. I realized this is problem when I started to check all available resources I had about psychology - and it occurred to me that the problem is in intrusive thoughts. Then I discovered PureOCD and Mark Freeman videos - he states that our brain is flooded with many stimuli and many information and for some (as he states) unknown reason - our brain starts to notice certain details which brain flags as dangerous - and we start rumination and worry and hypervigilance.
At the time I did not know why. 5 years later I discovered this noticing and rumination is due to trauma. It is called Complex Trauma (which is not the same as PTSD). It is result of critical parenting, alcoholic ambient when growing up.
It is basically toxic shame which is at the core of social anxiety and worry.
That is trauma - which is psychological reason.
However RSD tells us that our brain is wired to think on different levels - this is called ADHD. ADHD is not psychological issue. It is not disorder nor abnormality. It is simply how the brain is working - and it is different than others (neurotyical brains).
So it is neurological and there is nothing to fix. When we label our brain as abnormal and something to stop - we will develop mental illness and toxic shame and personality disorder.
So on one hand we have trauma - which requires fixing and facing and healing
and at another hand we have neurodivergent brain - which requires accepting and validation and self love and self compassion.
Also, you do not mention in video Attachment styles - where Dysfunctional attachment styles are also sign of trauma.
You do not mention Dysfunctional Defense Mechanisms - where Suppression and Denial are dysfunctional - you simply explain "You can't win that battle" - which does not sound like clinical argument, more like subjective observation.
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YT "Fearful-Avoidant: The Blindspot That Keeps You Repeating The Same Relationship Mistakes"
I've read about Attachment styles - and they never explained it. This video explains it. Heidi really explains it what it is and what it means.
And now I understand it. Before I did not. In fact, now I can see that a lot of advice about social anxiety is leading to develop Fearful avoidant style - because we are instructed to be logical and to suppress anxiety and see anxiety as sickness and something as abnormal, something to cure if it ever pops up..
Regarding suppressing - I think this also happens in toxic ambient where talking freely is punished by mocking or abuse. Then tyrannical person is the problem and the one who is actively doing the suppression - it is not us. Toxic people do it through coercive control, pathological lying, tyranny of shoulds, being hyper-critical and unrealistic, someone being hysterical Karen.
Someone who went through abuse - will try not to be narcissistic oneself - and then this ends up as being anxious and tending to other needs as repressing anything that resembles being selfish in any shape of form.
Abuse is keeping parts of our persona compartmentalized and suffocating without oxygen inside us - and grows into messed up weird way.
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(23.5.2023)
YT "RSD Attack Tips"
Good info.
Yet this is for Perceived rejection.
What happens when the rejection is real - narcissistic abuse, covert manipulation, intrusion, gaslighting, hoovering, smear campaign. The accent here is on Covert.
So there is no open attack - and it would appear to us as Perceived - yet it is real attack.
Some toxic people backstab, they are passive aggressive - so for example they will weaponize others through gossip - only that we find others are hostile for no apparent reason.
We cannot mind-read - so we cannot investigate what is happening and from where the attack is coming from.
IF we decide to follow DBT opposite - we would welcome toxic people in and allow them to put us down - and we would smile all the time, without saying no. We would end up being pushover and people pleaser who is seeing only good in all people.
If we investigate - we would be labeled by them as paranoid and overly sensitive -
so the "investigation" would end as self pathology and toxic shame.
I would propose the third technique.
And that is Humanistic Psychology:
That we validate ourselves and trust our intuition - in so much that we allow the possibility that not only our "perceived" rejection is real - but that it also is much worse than we imagine it.
Since the mind cannot test it - it will balance itself out -
by being careful, not taking someone's crap, being on guard so much to see what is going on, without toxic shame - so that we start to initiate and be innovators and more active.
When we adopt CBT techniques - we will end up being passive, we will react to life, and our locus of control will be other people- their emotions, how they act and we will end up being borderline - constantly checking with other people that they describe to us what is reality.
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1) There is literal personality test called Big 5. People low in Agreeableness personality trait are toxic.
This is measurable and is is confirmed by scientist.
2) If genetics are the cause - then 99 percent of those who struggle with social anxiety would not have incident in 12, 13 years old when they started to isolate themselves. They would be shy in their early years.
I do agree that social anxiety is both psychological issue (trauma caused by toxic people) and neurological (which is not issue - it is neurodivergence and there is nothing to fix. That part is genetical - that the mind is HSP, overthinks etc)
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YT "Can you have RSD and not have ADHD?"
That's what I thought.
I took ADHD test and it was negative.
Then I looked at my diaries when I was 12, 13 when social anxiety started.
And what I saw is that I was very much ADHD - it made sense how I was thinking back then, what I expressed and what I was focused on - for many years I was embarrassed by myself, thinking I was infantile and perhaps retarded since I was not boring and dull as most of kids in school, "normal".
I masked my ADHD - and created RSD in the process as by-product.
Then I took yet another ADHD test - and two traits came back positive.
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I actually have no problem with "constructive" criticism.
What triggers me are rude people, insensitive ones, intrusive, manipulative, those who react with temper tantrums when I ask for more clarification or they react in temper tantrums and hysteria no matter what. That is what sets my RSD off.
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YT "How To Handle A Panic Attack#Note"
1. What if abuse is not temporary but chronic and repetitive and intense each time we do nothing about it because we lack money to go away?
2. What happens when we are stuck and can't move? Traffic jam? Toxic job in poor country?
3. Saying out loud results in people gaslighting us that we are over-sensitive etc.
4. Breathe won't resolve abuse that is causing toxic panic attacks.
5. Panic attack is based on toxic shame - which means self worth and feeling empowered has no plateau to grow and build itself up.
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YT "Overthinking creates more problems"
This is true - however it is important to notice, if we chronically overthink - it could be a sign:
- it is ADHD. Tests are available online to check if we have neurodivergent brain. This is not sickness nor abnormality, it is simply how brain is working differently than most neurotypical brains. Neurodivergent brains which grew up in neurotypical world will be constantly criticized, corrected and warned and punished all the time - which ends up as chronic toxic shame.
- it could be trauma which is unprocessed and suppressed. Complex Trauma will not vanish on its own, it will be present with triggers and cycles of worry and rumination - tests are available online: ACE test. Also it is free, no login required, it is quick. If we grew up in alcoholic home - our overthinking stems from child brain trying to adopt reality which is unstable and dysregulated immature adults as our supposed guides and "support".
- toxic shame - if we live in toxic ambient filled with covert abusers - toxic people who appear neutral of friendly but they nag complain and mock us all the time - we will tend to overthink due to programmed insecurity of toxic environment. We will now we have toxic shame issue when we feel embarrassed easily and when we feel like we need to isolate and hide away from known and unknown people. This stems from trauma, too. It is healed with acceptance and self validation.
---
"Trying to take things less personal"
haha
if this was so simple , we would not be here listening about deep psychology. We'd be in nature, at cafe, making and maintaining friendships and making romantic moves, seek better jobs.
---
Narcissism is like spiritual, psychological cancer.
There is nothing we can do to stop it from occurring since the society is sick and toxic and breeds narcissism.
Politicians in power are narcissistic and create narcissistic world where laws never holds coercive control abusers accountable.
So - if we confront them, they will revenge due to narcissistic injury and narcissistic collapse.
If we shut up and do nothing - they will interpret our silence and passive stance as green light to continue their abuse.
Yes - it is best to leave narcissists - but
they are everywhere.
We need to have job - chances are there will by psychopaths there.
We need to drive car - chances are there will be psychopaths there, too.
We need to acquire service, material, food - chances are we will be swindled by them all the time.
If we choose the response of not confronting them - we will turn into people pleaser and fawn to them. We will become pushovers. If we confront them, we will become Karen and our anger will be turned against us, as we are abusers and toxic, by them and by third party who witness our survival.
I would rather look at toxic shame inside us.
There are high chances that in contact with this cancer entity - we will develop toxic shame. That is how narcissism is spread onto the next generation.
When we do not confront narcissists -and keep meeting them in our daily life - chances are we will become wounded victim narcissists ourselves - that are constantly in agony, passive and depend on reactivity and reactions by others. Without initiatives, without ideas - since narcissists will always mock and attack whatever we say. This is how toxic shame will solidify inside us - we will shut up and self censor and start to be afraid of our own ideas, opinions, words, actions - and this is road to social anxiety, trauma and isolation.
This is the reason why toxic shame is needed to be brought to surface.
The virus entity which narcissists inject into victims whoever get into contact with them.
Toxic shame is elusive - it is highly chameleon emotion - and it shapeshifts and moves - so many times we have no idea that there is toxic shame inside us that is governing our thoughts and actions.
Consider this quote:
"Otto F. Kernberg suggested that narcissistic disorders of character are foundation of most mental health problems. If we understand disturbances in narcissism we would probably find a theory of everything"
YT Richard Grannon & Prof. Sam Vaknin about Fantasy
Toxic shame - is core belief, our unhelpful psychological rules which we obey without knowing why. We end up with tyranny of shoulds - without being aware it is inside us. What we focus on is their drama and potential abuse - and we do not turn inside and check whether psychopaths live rent free in our head. Grudge and rancour is one of ways how they sneak into our brain - without knowing we have this mental parasites inside us.
I would turn our intention towards toxic shame - and learn how to manage it and handle it. We will discover it is not so easy and it is far more complex - since toxic shame is hallucination, it does not exist. IT is delusion which narcissists spread from their mentally ill mind into others. The generational trauma must be broken.
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(25.5.2023)
YT "Five Ways to Improve Emotional Regulation"
Any information about Dysregulation is good.
I would add one important factor: Coercive Control.
This means that we are lied to and we don't have all the facts in order to draw any kind of information which is rooted in reality.
Instead - we are brainwashed and lead on to fight shadows or to overcompensate. Any response would be wrong - since it is based on someone's hallucination, someone who is delusional and dangerous. We end up believing that there is something wrong with us, that we are inept and that we must accept that we are slaves due to incompetency. And we have no idea that people around us who appear as help, service or friend are actually covert abusers. If we seek information about Social anxiety issues - which are very similar to such coercive abuse - CBT will explain us that we must be de-sensitized and that we must expose ourself to discomfort - which keeps us stuck in toxic ambient.
In short -
“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by a$$holes.”
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YT "How to Heal Your Dependency on Chaos & Crisis w/Dr Scott Lyons"
"Drama addiction"
This can be misleading.
Let's look at Tina Turner's story. Her abuser sent flying monkeys to shoot at her house during divorce trials in late 1970s, destroy her property, shoot car window. She was not addicted to drama - there was abuse going on.
And to make it worse Reagan judge system awarded her abuser as victim and her as abuser who refused to work in slave oppressive capitalism regime - where she ought to keep abuse silent and hidden away, something to put up with.
The same thing as Coercive control. Abuse is not something we ask for - abusers simply choose to bully their target. It would be wrong to self pathologize and self blame ourselves for being abused and shame shift abuse into ourselves for abuser's choice to be evil monster.
Also - very close to this abuse issue another term which was never mentioned in this video is Toxic shame.
That is core belief we are abnormal and automatically guilty if we are abused. With toxic shame we believe we are guilty just because we feel bad - even when we are abused without causing or initiating the abuse. Toxic shame is automatic guilt shame feeling that springs up whenever something bad happens - when objectively we did not cause anything bad ourselves. Yet the toxic shame is so deep and persistent and convincing - that we believe we are somehow responsible for bad things and bad people who harm us.
I believe this toxic shame is glue that keeps us in trauma bond. So toxic shame must be brought into light - it is unconscious element which creates our self sabotaging decisions. And then to a third party - we appear as if we are addicted to drama. While in reality there is a parasite toxic shame inside our mind which moves our zombie body to be in victim mode, stuck, passive and enabling the abuser by not telling anything due to intense shame for abuser simply abusing us.
Why toxic shame is not mentioned?
Toxic shame is chameleon toxic entity - it shape shifts, it looks irrelevant, it is complex and hard to grasp and understand. Toxic shame is basically hallucination - since it is not reality. We never did anything wrong - yet it will manifest as if we are Putin Hitler persona who is mass murderer caught in Nurnberg in front of world judging us - and we cannot defend ourselves since we feel like we are the most horrible person in the universe. Worse than Trump or DeSantis - or any other mentally ill Republican who is manifesting their own toxic shame and deep core mental illness through hate and intolerance, overcompensating their toxic shame by appearing strong and righteous, patronizing.
I trust in chaos - there will be anxiety and stress - only if we have this toxic shame parasite inside our mind.
Toxic shame will explain to us that we are faulty, that we are bad, that everything will go to hell, that everything is black, that everything was doomed before, that in the future everything will be painful and difficult and impossible. Toxic shame will not even explain this - this will appear as knowing, as a toxic feeling, toxic sense, flood of negative bias tsunami.
So idea that 22.45 "we must be doing uncomfortable", this concept of will and being "strong" as explained by Gabor Mate - is dysfunctional. This idea that we must be drone to dance around toxic shame which is causing issues and stress - will lead to sickness because we are in a state of self-flagellation, self abuse, self sabotage, self invalidation - and as learned in dysfunctional alcoholic home toxic ambient which caused toxic shame in the first place - we believe that we simply must suffer enough to be accepted and validated.
The paradox is when we accept and validate ourselves - when we do not have toxic shame - we can be "strong", our will be strong, we will be in discomfort zone without resistance.
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"Maybe if they found healthy satisfaction in caring for families and homes, they wouldn't be so stressed. "
This is External locus of control - that we seek inner self worth in other people. This leads to codependency, trauma bonding and borderline issues where we will depend on other people to explain us reality and that other people make us feel good and where we depend on other people how and what we feel.
Highly dysfunctional idea.
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Our emotions are valid. I would see Emotional regulation as a process where we reconcile two opposing forces - intuition and objective facts that something is wrong on one side and doing the correct thing - which is confusing and seems unfair - like not being abuser and toxic ourselves by harming someone who appears to harm us. This is hard difficult - since in many cases we won't be able to leave toxic people and they will simply continue being toxic. IF we say something - they will attack us for speaking up. If we shut up - they will take this as a green light to continue and intensify the abuse.
Like Tina Turner - she was abused until she fled with 37 cents in her pocket. Then the judicial system punished her for not serving her abuser - who sent flying monkeys to destroy her property and shoot into her house where she was a guest.
The idea that she needs to emotionally regulate herself during this chaos - would be that she never leaves the toxic ambient and that she stays inside abuse and suffer the punishment and attack by mentally ill evil psychopath.
True emotional regulation would be that she does not harbour toxic shame inside herself - such as believing that if bad things happen to her, that was her fault, and that she is bad person for being abused.
I would focus Emotional Regulation in this toxic shame direction - where we do not turn emotional regulation into complacency and passivity and being silent and scared of punishment. If we are - that is a definite sign of toxic shame.
Toxic shame being the element that needs focus and healing.
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(26.5.2023)
Same here.
After learning psychology - I learned from Heidi Priebe that this panic, anxiety, fear is actually toxic shame itself masquerading itself as panic, anxiety and fear. This toxic shame is actually feeling of "contamination" - which Heidi used, and I think this word is spot on - it describes the mask of toxic shame perfectly.
I try to remember this each time I feel triggered - that this panic, anxiety and fear - when there is no real threat - is actually feeling contaminated - and it instantly helps me to focus on task at hand; which could be simply walking out. Just being aware that my brain interprets social cues as personal contamination helps me to regulate the panic.
Without this information I believe that I am wrong, inept and that I must overcompensate somehow by pretending to be something better, such as not making any kind of mistake or draw any kind of attention - or if it is possible - that I run and hide away and isolate myself from being seen mistaken, wrong - all due to this feeling of contamination.
This word "contamination" for me is like snapping back out from hypnosis. Anti-trigger.
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YT "Isolated Snowflake"
I read in one self help book - when boss or colleague is complaining about our work - we can say Well fire me.
They won't - since instructing new person will not guarantee that this new person will be perfectionist.
When we face someone who is abusive and hysterical - these people are scary. It is hard to keep eye contact with someone who is mentally ill and abnormal, psychopath. If we choose to follow instructions, making eye contact, or calling them out - this won't work in real life due to panic inside the body and them being Karen - their own body is dysregulated and they are focused on aggression and stigma and destruction.
The bottom line is that we cut contact whenever possible with toxic people. Borderliners love endless arguments, like the girl you mention in the video. They use it over and over again. Narcissists love endless arguments as a way to learn your weakness and what triggers you - so they nitpick your vulnerable spots. Just for fun and dominance, they are sick.
Anyway what I discovered is that conflict and other people are not so important.
The critical issue is our own self worth. Chances are if we feel scared and wounded and triggered by toxic people - chances are we have issues with toxic shame.
Toxic shame is deep core belief we are inept, unworthy and weak - and that no one must see this side of us, that we must be ashamed of it - and then any conflict will expose this part of us that we are ashamed of.
So - basically we need to heal this toxic shame, not learn how to handle other people - since the only problem is our reaction inside us which is harming us. This toxic shame is extremely complex concept. We need to learn it.
The paradox is when we heal toxic shame - we will have all mechanisms how to handle toxic people - without ever thinking much about it. It will come out naturally.
In the end - people who are antagonistic - are mentally ill. They are evil. They are psychopaths - their mind is not working well. It is useless to take anything which such person says or do at the same level as we would take from normal person. We'd feel sorry for them for being trapped in a body, they are like zombie or severely brain damaged person.
This is connected with the fact - that when we are normal, healthy, friendly, open - this will irritate such people - and they will be annoyed by us simple because we are totally healthy and normal. They will project their illness onto us - so we need to be aware that they are pathetic hysterical Karen and that their brain is abnormal - something that should not be taken at face value.
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YT "How to Deal with Angry Customers in Business"
Interesting information that only one person can be in angry boat but I see some things that might go wrong -
if they are insulting - their anger can quickly escalate in putdowns - so if we take on their anger and put down ourselves, this will lead to people pleasing and being pushover. What if this person is actually from "unloyal" competition making a scene to destroy our business?
What if this person is mentally ill and their mental state will go worse if we get into anger too?
What if this person is evil and sadistic and enjoys drama - we will enable their abuse to continue if we are dysregulated ourselves.
If they are narcissistic - whatever we say or do - they will not be able to hear it since they are delusional and see world from their imagination and hallucinations which appear to them as reality.
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(28.5.2023)
Extreme anxiety is being explained away by CBT as delusions and hallucinations and cognitive distortions.
For a person filled with toxic shame and stigma - this CBT explanation adds to stigma and toxic shame - which means: more of anxiety, new types of anxiety added to the present ones.
In reality -
if we stifle down or deny our emotions - this is dysfunctional defense mechanism and it leads to mental illness: Denial and Repression.
So CBT is making people who see genuine help - ill.
In reality anxiety could be sign of:
-trauma: easily tested online with ACE test
- attachment issue: easily tested online with Attachment styles test
- ADHD - which is not sickness it is neurological, how brain works, easily tested online
- being surrounded by toxic people and being in toxic ambient - we can test this ourselves after we learn about narcissistic abuse and red flags.
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" so what should i do?"
Start with tests.
Chech out what is happening to you.
Do you have trauma - take ACE test. All these tests are available online - free and without login required.
If you grew up in alcoholic home - there is no mystery why you struggle with anxiety now. There is nothing wrong with you, nothing to fix - you need to heal your trauma - abuse that happened to you. You did not abused yourself.
Another test is Attachment style issue. Chances are that if you struggle with social anxiety that you have Fearful Avoidant attachment style - which is paradox and it flips of and this will explain a lot why you are lonely.
ADHD test - take more than once- ADHD is spectrum - this means it can be masked and functional and you may not be aware it is beneath - and once you know you brain is neurodivergent - you will accept it, instead of fighting it.
Finally, start writing - so that you can sort your issues and see what is actually problem - what is bothering you. Other people cannot tell you this - you are the only one who can discover this who you are as person and what you like and what you dislike. No other person can tell you these things for you. Once you know what you dislike - it will be easier to discover toxic people who influence your lack of well being.
You can also start with reading my reddit forum page -
or if you have no idea where to start -
check out my PSychology videos -
there are topic there - almost 400 of them -
you need to educate yourself about psychology. Without knowing the terms, you are easily manipulated and wrongly explained. You need to have knowledge about your ship, to become captain of your own ship: your mind and soul.
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(29.5.2023)
YT "This is How to Treat Social Anxiety"
"Give brain data, some amount of exposure"
Yep -
and the next thing that will happen is that we will notice that fears and anxiety stem from the social element, hence it is called social+anxiety. External factor being the cause of anxiety: social.
It is not called self anxiety.
This means:
- we will discover that there are triggers hinting Complex Trauma issues - easily detected with online ACE test
- we will discover that we tend to people please which is not sickness but personality. Easily tested and detected with Big 5 personality test: agreeableness is personality trait
- we will discover that toxic people cause social anxiety: narcissistic abuse, fake people and manipulators as such
- we will discover that our brain is actually masked ADHD made functional by neurotypical society destroying and shaming anything different than conformism. Easily proven with ADHD online tests. The biggest hint is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria which is social anxiety itself.
- we will discover that social anxiety is Fearful Avoidant attachment issue - easily checked with online tests.
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"My issues with social anxiety stemmed from problems with people pleasing and failing to set personal boundaries. Start doing those things unapologetically"
Check out HealthyGamerGG video about Power Dynamics.
In real life - we won't be able to set any boundaries due to psychopaths in authority.
Then we will end up with people pleasing.
Then when we feel toxic shame for being vulnerable and not being able to defend ourselves - we will develop social anxiety. Closed circle of self blame and victim shaming and narcissistic abuse mixed with self abuse.
In real life when you set your boundaries - you will get fired from job, backstabbed and attacked by sick people 24/7.
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"my social anxiety came from my own insecurities . I avoided going outside , I avoided people , I avoided laughing , I did everything that I absolutely should not do . But I think when I let those things go , I let my social anxiety go. I'm in a much better situation now than I was"
Self abuse and distorted belief that we are abnormal and there is something contaminated inside us is toxic shame - and this irrational self abusive belief leads to personality disorder.
Social anxiety is not related to our vulnerabilities presented as defective and something to cure.
Social anxiety stems from Rejection sensitivity. The medical definition of social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation by others.
When we make decision to build super strong personality which must be perfect and without flaws - we will develop narcissism and severe delusions and mental illness. We will be unable to listen to others or form any kind of meaningful contact.
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" a support group might be the most helpful,"
This leads to External Referencing locus of control - where we will seek admiration, approval and validation from others.
This quickly leads to Borderline issues and narcissism where our self image depends on nod from other people.
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" and had to put alot of effort into communicating with people"
This is shyness, easily and often confused with social anxiety.
Social anxiety is not primary issue with communication, chat, going to parties etc.
Social anxiety is abuse, being abused, affects of abuse: bullying, mobbing, attack, narcissistic coercive control, manipulation and gaslighting, toxic shaming. That is social anxiety - it is trauma with set of triggers and Rejection sensitivity as its byproduct.
This social anxiety does not wear off with talking with strangers unfortunately.
Shyness does - glad you made your shyness functional and masked and it worked for you at this moment.
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"nobody out there is perfect and everyone says and does stupid and embarrassing things all the time"
This understanding works fine when we have money to have basic Maslow needs met - shelter, food, caprices, hobbies.
When we get fired from job for not tolerating abuse and when we can't find another job, and when we do not live in rich low unemployment country as USA - when can't pay the rent - then social anxiety does not go away with not caring what other people thought of us.
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"Nah people are just assholes
Thats why i have social anxiety"
Yep.
There is also neurodivergent element, being highly sensitive, being highly intelligent - where small details which most people never notice - we will notice at deep level.
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", I learned that they dont care about what I look like or what I do, so now I dont care even if people are whispering about me"
We will start to care when stigma and discrimination becomes stumbling block in getting finding keeping a job, paying rent, having money, getting food, unanswered needs, wants and help we need.
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"and can handle them with minimal mental processing"
People who have neurodivergent brain cannot minimize mental processing.
Highly intelligent people cannot dumb down and block everything learned, experience and life education - why would you do that anyway?
Highly sensitive people cannot block feelings and emotions - where suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
Narcissistic abuse and experience of stigma and discrimination is not personal choice - and this happens due to evil people who choose to abuse - it is not what we welcome, accept, choose or stick with by our own choice.
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"There goes my social anxiety. I just don't like socializing in the way most people seem to do"
What you described is not social anxiety.
Social anxiety by cold medical definition is fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
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" I don't really have a very big desire to interact with people. But then if I do find someone or a situation that I want to interact in, my social anxiety gets the better of me"
I think the first step is to educate yourself what is social anxiety. Start with that.
You are mixing shyness, introversion with trauma of social anxiety, people who were bullied and attacked by society.
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" come out of my shell is understanding that being social is a SKILL. the more you practice,"
This is common CBT myth that social anxiety means lack of social skills.
People with social anxiety are empaths, they were abused - so they have empathy and are very careful not to harm others. In the same time they scan environment for potential abuse and trauma and attack - so they already to listen to others a lot, and they are zoomed onto other people like with a microscope - looking in hypervigilance and survival mode any clue of potential rejection attack and intrusion - like looking at facial expression and tone of voice - to seek potential attack and abuse from others.
People with social anxiety have high empathic skills, they are agreeable and open as personality trait - which are social skills which 80 percent of people do not posses.
What you are describing is egocentrism - where people without social contact never get chance to talk to others and learn other people's angles and other people's perspective - but instead only focus on their own needs wants. This Piaget developmental stage is final one, and usually ends as the age of 12.
For many socially anxious - bullying and isolation started at the age of 12 - and this may cause egocentrism being stuck in early adulthood - and then to traumatized person and to a third party - like incompetent CBT therapist - it may seem as if the problem is in lack of social skills.
While it is narcissistic abuse and toxic shame that is ruining/running the show behind the veil.
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" My favorite thing to do is ask enough questions because most people love to talk about themselves"
Sounds to me like Borderline issue - where you depend on other people to feel good about yourself and you depend on other people to explain you life and give you definitions about life and what is valuable and what is bad in life.
This ends up as people pleasing and being pushover - and then resent people who refuse to follow rules which you absorbed by others -
since it is impossible to please all people and to make general rule for life from dualism and ever lasting conflicting opinions from all people around us.
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"So basically, having experience is better than having only theory."
What happens when our brain is wired to toxic shame - and hence any experience will be path to self sabotage?
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Social anxiety is not phobia.
In fact, that is the very reason why CBT "experts" renamed Social Phobia into Social anxiety in mid 1990s. These white privilege entitled "experts" realized that social anxiety does not wear off with exposure - as any phobia does.
De-sensitization does not make social anxiety go away - it only makes it masked and functional - but the trauma and abuse is still unhealed and unprocessed inside - and it will fester when it is not out in the open to handle and learn from.
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Plus, exposure means having money to finance the any kind of exposure.
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"what data can I give my brain so I dont feel so paranoid anymore"
To become scientist. Sherlock Holmes.
To analyze input and check your fears.
Where they come from?
What are triggers?
What is the danger?
Can and what hurt and harms us?
Where is the pain?
What kind of pain we feel?
Who is abusive? What is the definition of abuse?
What is narcissistic abuse? Can we recognize red flags?
What scares us? Can we identify the threat?
When being paranoid started? Does it occur in safe situation?
Can we write down the fears? Is there someone toxic who is filling us up with fears and hypervigilance?
What happens when we experiment - and do nothing about urge to protect ourselves?
What happens when we react to fears and protect ourselves?
Does the world ends? Will someone react when we are active or when we are passive - in what way?
Can we block toxic people?
Can we warn toxic people to stop abuse?
Can we recognize toxic shame in ourselves and others?
Do we live in shame culture country (google image shame culture countries images).
Can we learn about narcissistic abuse and toxic shame? Can we get education about Complex Trauma and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - it is freely available over you tube.
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Asking for other people to adjust our anxieties leads to Borderline disorder.
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Note the subtle information - the tittle is called "treat" - it is not called "get over".
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
Denying emotions is dysfunctional defense mechanism - and it leads to mental illness.
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"Don't put your power in other people's hands 😊
"
That is true, however we need other people - for business, sex, love, romance, friendship.
That is why social anxiety is Fearful avoidant attachment issue - it flips off from being clingy to isolated - it is either black or white, there is no fuzzy logic, only Boolean zero or one value -
either we are pushovers or we hide away from people. Well - there is a middle way - and that is "solution" to social anxiety. Block toxic people, serve and give vulnerabilities to safe people.
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Toxic shame is when we believe we are awkward idiot for being vulnerable, non-perfect and mistaken, confused and with errors.
This is toxic shame.
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"Where's the data?"
In other people's reactions, actions, passivity, silence, voices, opinions, demands, commands, explanations, interpretations, facial expressions, tone of voice.
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"Thats why its important to get out there and challenge your core beliefs"
Beliefs won't be challenged at all due to introjected internalized toxic shame.
Core problem then is deep core ingrained toxic shame.
It is like fish in the water. Fish is not aware that it is in the water - since this is all around since the birth.
Same thing with toxic shame.
This phenomena is called Conformation bias and Availability Heuristics.
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"I realized it long ago but it never made human interaction any easier, it never really helped."
Due to Confirmation Bias and Availability Heuristics.
IT is like being trapped in a dream and unable to wake up - or vice versa.
IT is like being hypnotized without being aware we are on stage with McKEnna making us to make chicken sounds - urge to do as being told is too great to stop it.
When we are in toxic ambient - we are forced fed to think in rigid mindset and any innovation and personal choice which is different is pruned off really quickly - keeping us zombified in Matrix mode.
Solution?
New information, education and focusing on our intrinsic locus of control and following our own gut and instincts - self worth.
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Social anxiety by cold medical definition is Fear of criticism and Negative evaluation.
It is not fear of chatting and making small talk, it is not lack of social skills per se.
Lack of social skills are by product of being isolated - it is not disorder nor anything to fix - it will fix itself up when the core of social anxiety: toxic shame & trauma are healed.
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"conversation worthy."
Social anxiety is not issue with talking or making small chat.
Social anxiety by cold medical definition is Fear of Criticism and Negative evaluation.
Conversation social skills are a mere by-product of isolation - and it is easily removes with exposure - after the trauma and toxic shame are healed, processed and learned, educated from.
When we never process trauma - we will make conversations with toxic people and get stuck in Karpman Drama Triangle, being codependent and this focus on conversation (and not trauma) will fester into Borderliner issues.
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" inner strength and potential,"
When we believe in idea that anxiety and trauma is issue of "will power" - we deny and invalidate abuse - and we self blame ourselves for the abuse. This ends up as personality disorder - and narcissism
We end up self abusing ourselves.
Because we make ourselves believe that we must be perfect, that we must never be vulnerable and that we must never have errors and never embarrass ourselves -and if we do make fool out of ourselves - that this means our panic emotions equal our lack of self worth. This is called unhelpful psychological rules - and they are part of toxic shame - instilled by exposure to abuse, bullying, mobbing.
Let me make myself very clear:
social anxiety starts due to exposure to narcissistic abuse (invalidation and criticism). This is not our fault. We did not caused it. We never made anything to start it. There is nothing wrong with us that make evil people to abuse us. And there is nothing we can change inside ourselves to stop evil people being evil.
You cannot will your trauma away.
If you do - trauma will only fester, it will become stifled down, ignored, denied and suppressed and repressed : this will lead to mental illness.
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Wrong information mislead already tortured people into more pain and suffering.
Good intentions are path to hell.
All tyrannical dictators are convinced that they are saviors and they help others with their superiority and "competence".
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" start surrounding yourself with better people. Not all social situations are created equal and if people are only just tolerating your presence, they’re probably manipulating you"
This is true.
However in real life - we don't get to choose other people.
We do not have money to support our escape.
And we cannot cut contact with abusers /toxic people due to third party, service, help, legal matters.
I doubt that average Russian can escape tyranny of Putin by fleeing to the West - without money, without skills to cross borders, without documents, without anyone in the West helping them. Instead - they are forced to live in toxic abnormal ambient, often dangerous.
So this is the topic here - for social anxiety -
what happens when we must face toxic people and stay in toxic jobs when we cannot escape- when leaving is not option.
What then?
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"The medical definition of social anxiety disorder does not involve trauma"
IT does.
Medical definition of social anxiety disorder is fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
This is the definition of trauma.
People do not get scared of people because they want to. This is not choice.
This happens due to specific socioeconomic settings.
Lack of money.
Lack of love.
Lack of validation.
Plenty of narcissistic abuse.
Plenty of gaslighting.
Plenty of toxic shame.
If person is genetically neurotic - this is called Neuroticism personality trait and it is recognized by Big 5 personality traits - such person is confident in non-confidence and will not report or be aware of social anxiety. They will call and label it differently.
We can see people with schizophrenia over you tube - they look differently than socially anxious people - they lack in hygiene and grooming, they talk differently, they have different preoccupations and worries, they lack shame and they lack wording and descriptions of what socially anxious people are preoccupied with.
The difference is in trauma and toxic shame.
There is video called "The Politics of Trauma (and why cPTSD will never be in the DSM)" created by author called "Nice People"
Quote from that video:
Much like the VA not wanting to acknowledge that war leads to Veterans developing PTSD, the same powers do not want to acknowledge the social realities and failures in public health system that give rise to the conditions in which people develop cPTSD.
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YT "How to Overcome Social Anxiety and Transform Self Judgement"
"Level of social anxiety is normal"
Yes.
Without it we would be psychopaths who abuse other people without shame or any concern - like Putin or Trump.
"Feel they might be criticized"
What happens when they are actually criticized? Why we don't get answer what happens when we are abused? What then?
"Symptoms - restlessness, shakes"
This is called Amygdala Hijacking, Survival mode, Emotional Dysregulation - and it is normal reaction to abuse and exposure to abnormal people. Our reactions to abnormal events is not sickness nor abnormality and it is dangerous to label as sick and stigmatize these natural reactions.
"Speak to family and friends"
Person with social anxiety lives in dysfunctional family - where toxic shame, stigma and silence is abundant, and socially anxious do not have any friends - because they have social anxiety in the first place.
This video does not mention - neurodivergency. There is no mention of narcissistic abuse - which is the cause of social anxiety.
No mention of toxic shame - which is the core motor of social anxiety.
No mention of Complex Trauma - which is social anxiety.
No mention of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - which is social anxiety.
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YT "Kyle Draper's Trick To Overcome Social Anxiety"
If you actually went to bars - you didn't have social anxiety to begin with. This was shyness and toxic shame issue - which is very similar to social anxiety.
Also - any trick to remove social anxiety, shyness, toxic shame - leads to suppression and denial and repression. Repressing emotions lead to mental illness.
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YT "Step: Social Anxiety to Social Confidence #anxiety #socialanxiety #mentalhealth"
This is shyness.
This is not social anxiety.
Social anxiety is being exposed to abuse - and medical definition of social anxiety is Fear of criticism and negative evaluation. This means - it will stay even when exposing.
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YT "3 Steps to Overcome SOCIAL ANXIETY"
"It's ok to be anxious"
This does not help when the other person is pathological liar and giving us mixed messages.
If we cannot recognize abuse - we will say it is ok to feel fear from such abusive person - and we will stay with toxic people - because we will convince ourselves it is ok to feel anxious.
Instead of facing reality that there are toxic people out there - we will internalize and project their abuse as anxiety inside us - and we will become complacent with it - hence enabling the abuse.
"Put yourself out there"
Exposure requires money. Anyone with social anxiety struggles with money issues to begin with. Also de-sensitization is not solution to trauma. In fact, it makes trauma worse as it festers and spreads into mental illness with time.
"Repeat this process until you feel comfortable"
Any ritual to combat anxiety leads to more anxiety, this ends up as OCD.
Social anxiety is Complex Trauma, Rejection sensitivity (neurodivergence) and Toxic shame.
In all three facets of social anxiety - if we believe this is issue of "will power" - we will end up with personality disorder - since we will believe we are sick and abnormal inside and there is something strange and disgusting inside us if we feel anxiety and hard emotions. This is called emotional fusion - where we end up equating fleeting emotions with our core self worth.
In real life examples this means:
if we live with borderline crazy person who poops in our bed and contemplates false court trial to destroy our movie career: it is absolutely normal to feel panic, fears and social anxiety as reaction to abuse. There is nothing to repeat or get use to. It is totally fine to feel disgust and rejection and fear from such crazy person.
If we are Tina Turner and live in 1940s rural America where our choir manager insults us and prunes of our natural talent to sing in jazzy soul mode - it is totally normal and natural to feel fear and panic and anxiety from such neurotypical person who has low IQ and probably masked psychopath.
De-sensitizing ourselves to anxiety leads to dysfunctional defense mechanisms called Denial and Repression. Then problem becomes masked and functional and we end up enabling the abuser and the abuse - since we ignore the abuse and pretend it does not exist.. Then Trump and Putin end up as our leaders and we have cocaine and gun issues in society - because we pretend we do not see psychopaths in managerial positions.
---
YT "How to Be More Social When You Have Social Anxiety
"
Studies are prone to statistical errors and observation bias.
Chances are that forementioned study was actually done on narcissistic and bordeliner sources - people who mask their psychopathy with pretending to have social anxiety in order to gain their narcissistic supply through pretending to be victim.
In reality - socially anxious people are empaths and they have superior social skills: listening to others and feeling their pain - which 80 percent of people do not posses and can learn from.
In reality - the most popular people are idiots - annoying irritating loud mouth idiots who do all the forbidden social etiquettes - such as gossiping, farting/burping/vomiting/emoting any fluids possible in public, and insulting others.
Not being able to identify social ques are symptoms of neurodivergent mind - which is not abnormality - such as autism spectrum.
"It does not hurt to ask"
This is not problem.
Social anxiety by medical definition is Fear of criticism and fear of negative evaluation. This means - what happens when the other person is intrusive, insulting and abusive?
All the yack in the video about social skills is neurotypical nonsense and it does not apply to neurodivergent brains.
Stopped watching after commercial inserted in supposedly mental health video.
---
YT ""Mastering Social Situations: Proven Methods for Managing Social Anxiety""
"Presentation"
is not social anxiety. This is Performance anxiety and they are not the same.
"Social anxiety is a totally normal feeling. In fact even the most confident people in the world experience some level of social anxiety at times. "
When I wrote this at main reddit forum about social anxiety, I called the topic "All people have social anxiety. All" - I was attacked by moderators and commentators that I lie, and I was banned from forum later on. They claimed that confident people do not feel social anxiety.
"Shift to more positive self talk" "Affirmations"
So if we live with borderline person who poops in our bed and contemplate false trial to accuse us of being a rapist - we should think positively and then all problems will vanish by themselves?
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
Suppression and denial are dysfunctional defense mechanisms.
Check out Optimism bias - it is unhealthy as much as it is Negativity bias.
"reframe your thoughts"
Leads to hypervigilance and self abuse and personality disorder.
Exposure requires money.
There is no mention in the video about narcissistic abuse which is the root cause of social anxiety.
No mention of Complex Trauma - which is social anxiety.
No mention of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - which is social anxiety.
No mention of toxic shame - which is motor that keeps social anxiety ongoing.
No mention of toxic ambient and socio-economic issues which are always tied with social anxiety.
No mention of neurodivergency and what is neurotypical brain.
---
YT "Socially Anxious? Here's how you can become confident! #anxiety #socialanxiety #mentalhealth"
Social anxiety is result of narcissistic abuse.
And confidence cannot help us with someone who is pathological liar and manipulative - in fact our confidence will be used against us.
---
YT "Overcoming Social Anxiety: Learning to Make Small Talk"
Social anxiety by medical definition is Fear of criticism and fear of negative evaluation.
Social anxiety is not issue of small talk. That obsession with small talk is shyness and or introversion.
It could also be masked and functional Autism and neurodivergent mind.
Social anxiety is not about talking as primary concern. Social anxiety is abuse, bullying, mobbing and experience of trauma and narcissistic abuse, sparkled with toxic shame. Toxic shame is deep core belief of contamination whenever there is some uncomfortable emotion.
In neurotypical society - talking and small talk is religious procession and automatic. It is obsession with belonging to conformism and group think and herd mentality. We are brainwashed - neurotypical or not - to suppress our interests, ideas and differences - and instead that we mold into societal norms which are passed on from each generation.
So boys will be taught to wear blue and black clothes, and they will be mocked if they wear pink or fluffy clothes or dress.
This is connected with social anxiety - when we are highly sensitive and we need more process time and when we notice details which dumb people cannot notice.
This is connected with social anxiety when we have higher IQ and we notice wrong things - and when we tell them - most people will label us as stupid and annoying and negative.
This is connected with social anxiety when we have divergent brain which sees any issue from more than one angle - and most people will feel scared of being wrong and not knowing what is happening - so instead of listening they will mock such person and put them down.
So - social anxiety is connected with stigma and social norms.
It has nothing to do with small talk.
---
The urge to 1) fix yourself because there is supposedly something "sick" and "abnormal" inside you and 2) believing that other people who appear as "healthy" and "superior" to you because they do not exhibit fears - and believing that such superior beings hold the answer - with or without you actually approaching them - is still Bordeliner issue.
The urge to believe in these two are still inside you - with our without asking others.
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YT "overcoming social anxiet"
Many narcissists and borderliners fake-pretend to have social anxiety in order to appear attractive to easy targets to exploit: empathic people and then hooking them up to abuse in form of narcissistic supply.
Learning to be "less socially awkward" and challenge oneself to something that is not really challenging (going to bars is not challenge - it is narcissistic fun) - is narcissism. Narcissism is building up fake superior strong image which appears attractive to insecure people who are easily exploited and farmed as narcissistic supply.
---
YT "Conquering Social Anxiety"
Belief that there is something sick and abnormal inside you that needs to be conquered is narcissism and toxic shame.
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YT "Social Anxiety Disorder"
When we label something as disorder this quickly turns into stigma and self prophecy. This way CBT and DSM are contributing to mental illness, not helping at all.
Also - social anxiety is result of narcissistic abuse, bullying and mobbing. Fears are learned - we know this with Little Albert Experiment.
The root of lack of confidence and poor self esteem is narcissistic abuse - nobody is born with lack of confidence - society and invalidation - trauma creates this issue.
Pharma mafia is making huge money profit on selling drugs to traumatized and abused targets of abuse. This is highly un-ethical and toxic.
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"I never knew my social anxiety could be a shield against hackers.
"
Yep -
Social anxiety is Defense mechanism.
This is not even deep level psychology fact.
---
YT "Navigating social anxiety: How avoidance feeds anxiety | New Perspectives Counseling in Maine
"
Everything feeds anxiety.
Any ritual to anxiety leads to OCD obsessions and compulsions.
That is why suppressing emotions leads to mental illness. Making anxiety functional and masked does not resolve trauma buried deep inside. Trauma festers -
and denial and suppression of anxiety is Dysfunctional Defense mechanism.
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"My social anxiety stems from deep subconscious fear of negative consequences of others not liking me."
This is borderline issue - being obsessed about others approving and validating oneself. Checking with others to see if they agree with definitions and aligning with what people think is true. That is borderline.
DBT is based on CBT and DSM - and DSM is statistical manual - it does not represent real life, only observer effect and how medical industry and pharma mafia interpret "disorder" in order to extract more money from it.
Social anxiety by definition is Fear of criticism and negative evaluation. It has nothing to do with like or dislike, it is the act of criticism that is the focus here.
This happens - because at the root of social anxiety is exposure to relentless criticism while growing up - by person who is narcissistic.
I trust when we do not have all information - we can form wrong explanations what is problem and then work ourselves in the wrong direction.
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"Psychological trauma is an emotional response caused by severe distressing events such as accidents, violence, rape, or sensory overload."
This is not true.
Trauma can be exposure to verbal abuse. Narcissistic abuse. Put downs, constant criticism. Trauma can happen in economic and protective home too.
That is why I gave you link to you tube by Nice People.
Official definition of Trauma is severe abuse. This way - it is easier to manipulate and control all people who are abused by narcissists legally without laws protecting them against domestic abuse and mobbing. Church and conservative forces would not like to be labeled as abusers if such definition of trauma passes. So trauma is also political issue.
Please check out videos about Complex Trauma to learn more about trauma.
Stifled trauma, ignored trauma, not being aware that trauma is habituated inside us - will lead to more anxiety and issues, it will fester.
---
YT "How I Get Rid Of Social Anxiety With These 3 Exercises
"
Idea to suppress emotions leads to mental illness.
Idea that our toxic shame is abnormality which must be masked and remove - leads to more toxic shame and anxiety.
Social anxiety stems from living in alcoholic home and toxic ambient - so this is not our fault. We learned that in order to survive with abnormal people we must be silent and scared all the time. Now you are repeating this self abuse through self pathologizing - by belief that if we only massacre ourselves into nothing - then bad things will never happen. By magic evil people will disappear.
They won't.
Evil people abuse others because they are abnormal and sick and there is nothing inside us that caused their evil.
Idea that we build some magical superior fake image of strength - is narcissism and it leads to mental illness. We will end up being hypervigilant in order not to show vulnerable or any kind of weakness. So what happens in real life - we will encounter evil people - and then we will blame ourselves for feeling uncomfortable in the presence of toxic people. This will end up as shutting up to toxic people and we will enable their abuse to continue and we will be stuck with toxic people - since we will blame ourselves for any evil things they do.
Narcissism is idea that we must be perfect. These are unhelpful psychological rules: that we must never make mistake. That we must be without flaws. that we always must be happy and smile. That we never show discomfort. We end up fusing emotions with our self worth. We feel bad for being hurt - and then we believe we are contaminated in some way and this is called toxic shame.
Toxic shame is deep core belief that we are inept, abnormal, weird, unacceptable - while in the same time other people are healthy, good, superior and strong. This leads to inferiority complex. Mental illness.
Overthinking is not sickness nor abnormality.
Overthinking is natural effect of being exposed to evil people.
Overthinking is also sign of higher IQ. There is nothing abnormal in being smart. IT would be wrong to suppress natural gift.
Overthinking is also sign of being highly sensitive- it would be wrong to dumb ourselves down and turn ourselves into zombie without emotions.
This cognitive distortion belief that there is something abnormal and sick inside us - is toxic shame.
The truth is - if we are not serial killers, if we have no hidden agenda to harm and cause pain to other people - there is nothing abnormal inside us.
---
YT "The ONLY WAY to End Social Anxiety"
Fight and Flight is only 2F. There are 4F: Fawning being the 4th response.
You do not mention narcissistic abuse as cause of social anxiety. You instruct us to develop narcissism - which is passing social anxiety into the next generation as generational curse.
Belief system cannot be shifted. If we shift our belief system - we will develop personality disorder.
We can pull our personality like rubber band - but it will eventually snap back to its original form - or it will snap.
Belief system will not help us when we get fired from the job - when we do not fawn to narcissistic boss anymore and when we tell power dynamics the truth. It is great if we live in LA or in NY so we can find another job easily - but this won't work in poor country.
Scared of meeting new people is not social anxiety. This is shyness.
Giving brain evidence we will be fine is called Masking and making anxiety Functional, anxiety and trauma is now masqued away and suppressed. Stifling down emotions leads to mental illness. Suppressing emotions and denial is Dysfunctional Defense mechanism - it leads to mental illness.
Idea that we build fake strong persona who is never vulnerable or scared leads to narcissism.
Imagine if you live with mentally ill person who poops in your bed - and if you do not feel fear and disgust - you will never break contact with such person who is contemplating fake court to accuse you being rapist and destroying your movie career.
All emotions are valid.
Feeling fear is not abnormality. If we equate feelings scared with core self worth - this is called Emotional fusion and this leads to mental illness.
"Social success, goal is to be persuasive, charismatic" -
this is road to becoming Borderline, codependent - depending on other people to approve and validate us. This is called External Referencing locus of control - and it leads to mental illness.
Literally all things you said in this video are totally wrong , lead to mental illness.. and doesn't work in real life.
You yack about brain, but
You never mention that there is Neurodivergent brain nor what is neurotypical brain.
---
"Feel free to prove me otherwise."
This is borderline all over.
You keep making me as if I am God entity which you must devalue in order to feel good about yourself.
" I am trying to find a way in which you are right, and I cannot find any."
This is borderline.
You see me as mother figure which you must deny in order to become adult. This is pattern which is hidden and covert in borderliners.
"The point is, I am afraid of actual consequences, not critique."
Yes - because you have borderline issue.
This is not social anxiety.
Social anxiety is being afraid of criticism.
Check official definition of social anxiety.
"Social anxiety disorder is an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others."
No matter what is - hopefully this information will help you along the way - if you break out of Confirmation Bias and Availability Heuristics.
In reality -
I am not topic here.
What I write here is not my imagination - it is compressed knowledge and education by external authors on psychology of social anxiety in time frame of 25 years, studying social anxiety literally every single day.
What I write here are facts - not my personal opinion, nor it is personal attack on you.
---
" social anxiety is not necessarily the result of trauma and can appear in non-traumatic circumstances."
Social anxiety is called social+anxiety because of anxiety stemming from the social external factor.
IT is not called self anxiety.
The society is cause of anxiety.
We feel anxiety when society is toxic, when we experienced pain and hurt from the source of anxiety - there had to be some kind of trauma.
Often enough - trauma is covert and hidden.
This was discovered by Freud and Jung and Charcot hysteria is proof that people do not imagine their fears - it is caused by abuse, by society.
---
YT "Exercise to get rid of social anxiety, depression, and trauma
"
What you describe here is Emotional Regulation.
This is different than getting rid of anxiety.
Getting rid of anxiety is unhealthy. Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
Denying anxiety is trauma response and Dysfunctional Defense Mechanism.
Quote:
Suppression: Consciously choosing to block ideas or impulses that are undesirable, as opposed to repression, a subconscious process. This defense mechanism may be present in someone who has intrusive thoughts about a traumatic event but pushes these thoughts out of their mind.
Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. Defense mechanisms are strategies that people use to cope with distressing feelings. In the case of denial, it can involve not acknowledging reality or denying the consequences of that reality.
In real life - this means if we live with abnormal person who poops in our bed - and when we feel natural emotional reaction to abnormal person : such as fear, anxiety, panic - the wrong thing to do would be to suppress these painful emotions. IT's because we never would learn that there is toxic person whom we need to avoid. Instead we would suppress our reactions and we would become stuck with toxic people in our lives, never cutting trauma bonding with them. Toxic people are manipulators and pathological liars - they are skillful in presenting wrong information to keep us hooked to their lies and abuse.
---
(30.5.2023)
YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) & ADHD: Understanding the Connection"
Why not talking about connection with Social anxiety?
Socially anxious people get CBT lies that they are hallucinating the abuse & that trauma does not exist or it is irrelevant for social fears inhibitions - and CBT never explains that anxiety might be sign of ADHD.
Dr Dodson (doctor who coined RSD concept) says that RSD is not Social anxiety because "socially anxious do not ruminate after the event" - which is incorrect statement - since everyone studying social anxiety knows there is post-mortem evaluation, intrusive worry before the event, during the event and after the event.
"When really boss was giving you constructive criticism"
What happens when boss is abusive and there is mobbing - and we have RSD. What then? And we do not live in LA or NY - so we can't get another job at snip of a finger. What then?
Chances are that anyone who came to RSD Label already has certain amount of psychological education - and they are not beginners. They know that there is a difference between imagined slight and real abuse - and they can weed out perceived injuries from the real abuse.
Popular psychology has no answer for abuse, bullying and mobbing - real issues which demand psychological support. Instead CBT promotes idea that it was all a dream - and that we must either enter in Karpman Drama Triangle of being stuck with abusers by being in constant explanation to them with person who refuses to accept reality and who likes endless arguments.
---
First of all - we need education. With education about psychology we will learn that we lack self worth.
This means - there is nothing to fix. We are not broken.
If we are not serial killers, if we wish no harm on other people - the amount of toxic shame and toxic guilt we harbour is the result of abuse we went through - we now are hypnotized to feel shame and guilt. And CBT instructs us to prolong this shame and guilt by nitpicking our errors and flaws as if we must be perfect all the time. We don't.
We can be genuine, authentic and speak our mind.
Social anxiety stems from exposure to emotional abuse - where we were conditioned to shut up, to be passive and to people please and to fix other people's anger and their mood swings.
----
"because of their blind spots. "
This is self blame. Self pathologizing.
This is toxic shame.
This is trauma - which is at the core of any social anxiety.
We actually are conditioned to believe that if crappy people happen - that this happens because there is something wrong with us. that we invited toxic people.
That we have some kind of mysterious blind spots - and that it is supposedly our job to fix ourselves, prune ourselves, self-flagellate ourselves into being clean and some kind of uber super mensch human figure of grandiosity which is without mistakes and flaws-
and only when we reach this narcissistic grandeur image of ourselves which has no so called "blind spots" - then magically all evil people will be repelled and no bad thing will ever happen in our lives (magical thinking).
The truth is that abuse is not our fault.
Evil people are evil because they are evil - it has nothing to do with our blind spots. It has nothing to do without our mistakes. IT has nothing to do with how we act or what social skills we do have or not have.
Abusive people will abuse - because they are sick and abnormal and there is nothing in the world that we can do to make evil people control and manipulated and thwarted by our thinking, fixing, pruning, cleaning or wishing we have will power to deflect them.
Evil people are evil - and we have no take in their evilness.
Due to toxic shame - and abuse and trauma - this lesson is extremely hard for us to accept and to understand and process.
Then we end up with social anxiety -deep core toxic shame with deep core belief that we must constantly fix ourselves and build fake superior grandiose narcissistic image of ourselves to protect ourselves from trauma and pain which we were exposed as kids. This narcissism will not work, it is dysfunctional idea, implanted to us by narcissistic abuse which we were exposed to in early age when our psyche was forming and when it was suppose to receive validation and acceptation - but got toxic shaming instead.
---
MY comment keeps on being deleted.
Luckily enough I save all social anxiety comments on blog - so I can copy paste it easily.
I am not here to disapprove you. Nor I am here to fix you.
I share my knowledge of psychology - because we tend to come to quick definitions - which are wrong - and this is called hypercognition.
These statements are indicative of borderliners:
"I am trying to find a way in which you are right, and I cannot find any."
" If you want to help others, ..."
"but you are not giving me any reasons to believe the words you provide "
This is because you perceive me as God figure which you must destroy in order to become God yourself. That is typical belief for Cluster B.
This also:
"The point is, I am afraid of actual consequences, not critique."
This is narcissism and borderline issue.
Socially anxious people are afraid of people.
You mimic social anxiety and label it as social anxiety - because this gives you excuse to play victim, to garner sympathy from easy targets - which you use later on as narcissistic supply through your criticism and demanding perfectionism from them.
----
"Im talking about PTSD, no need to tell me stuff that isnt PTSD."
A lot of people have no idea what is PTSD and that there is a difference between Complex PTSD.
You are not the only person who is reading this comments.
Many people will find this information helpful.
When we get stuck with wrong explanations - we get on the wrong road - it is domino effect of self destruction and self sabotage - when we have no clear and all information to make decisions in our lives.
---
"Then do it scared 💪"
There is no point in life to just force yourself.
We have out goals, needs, wants, ideas, innovations that needs fruition - not stifling it down, deny or repressing them.
---
"No. That’s just more theorizing.
Quit making excuses and get out there to make experiences in the world."
In reality - when we have unhealed trauma and when we have toxic shame rampant in side us - getting out there will be equal to re-traumatization and self abuse. We will get inside Karpman Drama Triangles, we will attract toxic people and we will be pushovers and people pleasers and fawn to psychopaths.
Healing must take place - and exposure will not bring healing nor clarity - Exposure will make things worse.
When you break your leg - you don't dance your broken leg away.
When you cut your arm - you do not cut it more to stop bleeding.
When you have high fever - you do not catch another fever to stop it.
When you have headache - you do not bang your head to wall to stop the ache.
---
"I don't think it actually calms me down"
You make logical fallacies here.
You also make emotional fusion -
as all socially anxious ones.
We believe if we feel scared that we are bad people.
We believe if we take care of ourselves - that we do not deserve it.
We think that overthinking is bad because most people are dumb and neurotypical - so we think that we must dumb down our IQ in order to crap fit into conformism.
We think if we feel anxious - that this means we are contaminated and that we must clean ourselves with the right thinking. That is toxic shame. That is abuse, after effect of abuse. This is trauma. Unhealed and unprocessed trauma.
Check out videos from Heidi Priebe - she talks about processing the pain.
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"like the quote, but how is it even remotely relevant as a response to my comment."
You said: " I've come to understand recently in order to level up i just need more EXP"
This is indicative of toxic shame.
Toxic shame is belief that we are contaminated if we feel anxiety and that there is some kind of magical way that we simply must will into, with the power of our will and discipline.
In reality - anxiety is emotion, it is normal and bad emotions are Jung Shadow - they need to exist. When we suppress them - they will fester.
In reality - when we meet toxic people who are always covert and appear as friendly and servicable and as victims - our emotions and intuitions are the only detective mechanism which can detect the danger of such toxic parasites.
When we decide that we must be strong narcissistic and grandeur without weakness and vulnerabilities such as feeling social anxiety - we blind ourselves and then we end up with person who poops in our bed, destroy our movie career and tells in public worldwide court that we are rapist.
Which could be easily preventable - it we only did not pretend to be alpha superior uber mensch grandious figure who never feels anxiety in their lives.
That is how Dr Arielle Schwartz quote is relevant to your comment where you believe that our will is magical potion which makes evil people and negative unjust things in life make magically go away.
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"If you don't want to leave your comfort zone, then your life is never going to improve."
You are mixing terms here.
Comfort zone is too general term.
Well -
look at third world countries. They live in discomfort zone - yet they never progress. They live in trash, corruption and poverty.
If your argument was correct - third world countries would will their poverty into Scandinavia - they would be democratic, free, wealthy now. IF no money -they would at least be functional, they would have free press - because they would learn in discomfort that censorship is bad and leads to poverty.
But they did not learn this lessons.
Therefore - discomfort zone does not improve.
Another example is prison.
If discomfort zone approves anyone - then prisons would be hotbed source of scientists, philosophers, innovators, Gandhis, Mother Theresas - but what we see in reality that only Mandela left prison as improved person. 99 percent of prisoners came out of prison as broken people who either commit new crime or end up with toxic shame.
Third example are slums and favelas. If your argument is correct - then drug pushers would learn from discomfort zone - and they would contribute to their community. they would become healers and cleaners, they would educate themselves - and instead crime infested cities stay in crime and there is no change to better.
What we are dealing here is toxic shame and trauma - these needs education and healing -
only then comfort and discomfort zone - will produce results you are yacking here about.
---
a) do not have "real" social anxiety
Yes.
CBT based its faulty research in 1990s on narcissists and shy people - who came to research. Truly socially anxious people would never ever expose themselves to unknown research.
CBT is faulty therapy - and you can check Criticism of CBT online.
or b) are unaware of underlying trauma then that is to disagree with modern medical science
"Modern" science is wrong all the time.
in 1952 DSM had 100 pages. Today it has 1000. As Sam Vaknin talked about this. What happened in 50 years? Were we complete morons 50 years ago - or is there something horrible wrong going on.
CBT is not science. Psychology is not science.
DSM is not science. DSM is collection of statistics - which are interpreted by white privilege and from entitlement - by persons who have rich parents and who are corrupt, they are rectal probers and narcissists whos career is more important than public health concern.
DSM and CBT are explanations by non-scientists, it is personal social construct, subjective.
Rosenham Experiment proved that 30 years ago.
---
A lot of people have no idea that the anxiety they feel is partial spectrum of neurodivergence, aDHD or autism.
Instead - due to toxic ambient and CBT - they are programmed to believe that anxiety they feel is sickness and personal abnormality, something to mask and make functional, to deny and suppress and hide away from any eyes to see.
So exposing with such toxic shame inside us - will not help at all. It will only accumulate more toxic people who sniff out anxious people easily.
We just end up re-traumatizing ourselves. As long as toxic shame and trauma are ignored and suppressed and denied, and as long as toxic shame flourish inside us - exposure will fail to process it all.
---
Social anxiety is complex trauma - trauma needs healing. Exposing of some other sort. Not going to bars.
Social anxiety is toxic shame - toxic shame need exposure - but not going to strip bars and drink alcohol type of exposure. It is exposure of our weaknesses and mistakes and flaws and vulnerabilities.
Social anxiety is Fearful-Avoidant attachment issue - which needs exposure to all facts from all sides from all critics even painful ones - exposure here does not mean going to disco bar.
Social anxiety is Neurodivergency - it is on spectrum with ADHD and Autism - and exposure here means being authentic - which may entail not going out to sleazy bars if we do not like toxic places nor toxic people.
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"there will always be people that think you’re weird/dont like you no matter how confident you get"
This is true -
but in real life - we are forced to make business with difficult people.
We cannot run away from them.
That is problem here - how to create maintain contact with difficult people who are pathological liars, have coercive control and abusive - and us not being able to run away from it. That is social anxiety.
Social anxiety is not issue about understanding that evil people exist.
It is a problem how to live with evil people.
---
"Reframing your thoughts"
is exhausting and it is draining. This idea will make us live in hypervigilance - and we will depend on other people to regulate ourselves.
Also, this idea will create deep toxic shame: that we are abnormal and there is something we must fix inside us - and after we fixed it - then magically all problems in life will vanish and all evil people will disappear.
When your romantic partner poops in your bed and plans to ruin your movie career and label you as rapist in the court of all world to see - there is actually no amount of, as you call it "healthy, balanced and realistic mindset" that can actually process this kind of abuse and trauma.
Bad emotions are not bad. When we fuse meaning to emotions - we create them our masters and we create battle world view - where we go into strike against windmills of emotions. Fusing emotions with our self worth is called Emotional Fusion and it leads to mental illness.
Idea that we must build fake, superior, strong grand image of ourselves - is narcissism.
What happens in real life - that bad things will happen. There will be injustice. There will be errors even when we commit no errors at all and even when we put our best and flawless intellect and action - there will still be some critic that will find errors and drama -
so chasing perfectionism is mental illness, and it is part of social anxiety.
This idea that there is something abnormal inside use that is contaminating us, and that we must use magic to become grand superior self - is called toxic shame.
Toxic shame is covert and it is at the root of social anxiety - which always starts as exposure to narcissistic abuse, someone who has rampant toxic shame - which they projected and transferred into us.
Now you transfer your own toxic shame into commentators - instructing them to build fake superior magical grand image which is somehow mysteriously magically immune to troubles in life.
--
Toxic shame.
WE believe that we are contaminated when negative happens.
We got programmed to believe this in childhood when we were punished for asking for what we want - and when we were conditioned to calm mentally ill people's dysregulation & their hysterical mood swings around us as kids.
---
Trauma.
There is unprocessed trauma that is festering and blocking our self worth.
Also accompanied with trauma is toxic shame - deep seated belief that we are contaminated if we are not perfect.
Toxic shame and trauma are not our fault - we were exposed to mentally ill people who transferred their toxic shame and their own unprocessed trauma onto us.
Healing trauma and healing toxic shame means that we trust ourselves, that we express ourselves, that we do not depend on other people to explain us reality, basically that we do not self-censor ourselves.
Emotional abuse is when we are not allowed to speak our opinion - since mentally ill people and other narcissists hate truth and exposure to information - since this exposed their shame and vulnerabilities which they try to hide.
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"MBTI, I suggest you check it out, it was very helpful for me to find out my personality type"
Why you never take Big 5 personality test?
It reveals if we are open and agreeable.
Labels are self prophecy. When we allow other people to determine and explain who we are - we ill be brainwashed and hypnotized into someone's subjective goals and agenda. The desire that other people must explain us who we are is codependency and borderline issue.
" I can't say I still suffer from social anxiety."
Then why are you here? Why you waste your precious time on watching deep psychological videos about social anxiety?
If you do not have social anxiety - you would spend your time in open, with friends, licking ice cream and plan Bahami vacation. Or you would read a book if you are "introverted".
You certainly would not waste your time about issue which you supposedly do not have anymore?
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" If you wanna cure the anxiety that's what you have to do"
Then anxiety will be masked and functional.
Michael Jackson had a severe social anxiety. Yet it was functional for him - he performed in front of billions of people without any trouble - he danced and sang in front of them. Prince the same story.
Yet for both of them - trauma & toxic shame were unprocessed and they both ended in tragedy.
---
"sometimes you have to endure things you don't really want to in order to sow seeds for your future endeavors."
Unfortunately this does not apply to social anxiety: trauma and toxic shame issue.
Endurance does nothing here. Will power - nada.
---
"I think you have to accept that you'll be bad at first. Removing social anxiety is like learning a skill, I think."
Idea that social anxiety is self anxiety is problem itself.
Anxiety stems from the social, that is why it is called social+anxiety. Problem are abusers and toxic people who are evil and intrusive.
So there is nothing you can do to fix inside you to prevent evil people being evil - hence social anxiety is not your problem and therefore you cannot fix it.
Idea that we must remove something that is not inside us, that is not part of us - will lead to paranoia, toxic shame and trauma.
---
ADHD.
Brain is working in a different way than neurotypicals - and we try to adjust to neurotypical world.
We process things deeply - and people/CBT will label this as overthinking.
We notice fake people easily - and people/CBT will label this as anxiety.
We dislike mindless chat - and people/CBT will label this as abnormality.
We appear differently - and toxic people exploit this by putting us down in order for them to raise their fragile self esteem in the eyes of others.
We will be exposed to bullies and tend to defend ourselves - people and CBT will label this meltdown as hysteria and temper tantrum.
We are explained away by CBT as disease and abnormality - and then end up with toxic shame - without occurring to us that we simply process differently than most people.
---
" get to live your life. You have to live your life "
This is the same as to say someone with broken leg that they need to dance away their broken leg away.
This is the say as to tell someone with fever that they need to catch more fever to cancel the first one.
This is the say as to say to person who got cut on knife to sharpen their knifes.
---
Real life is not a game.
You do not become stronger by exposing yourself to abuse and corruption.
When you break you leg - you do not dance your brokenness away.
---
"social anxiety and it can only be cured by socialising"
You cannot cure toxic people by exposing yourself to abuse and psychopaths.
There is nothing to cure inside yourself.
If we are not serial killers, if we are not psychopaths, of we have no hidden agenda to harm or cause pain to others - there is nothing to cure inside us.
---
Social anxiety will make us egocentric. We will talk about ourselves and be obsessed about our panic attacks.
We won't notice people in trouble who need help.
We won't listen to them - instead we will be obsessed if we sit alone or not, it we are in our room or not, me me me, I, I, and only I - all the time.
something to think about.
--
"Eventually you’ll learn to kill those bad social habits"
Social anxiety is not only bad social habit.
It is also Rejection Sensitivity - which has no cure.
It is physical panic.
It is emotional worry and hypervigilance.
It is flashbacks and triggers - complex PTSD.
It is external factor - toxic people whom we cannot control.
It is unknown factor - such as neurodivergency which CBT bans from public to learn about.
It is Attachment style issue - which cannot be fixed by exposure at all - in fact it solidifies it.
It is deep core wound . Exposure to narcissistic abuse creates wound in the brain.
It is Dysregulation - which exposure does not heal.
---
Then we end up with CBT which explains us that if we are only "strong" and "courageous" enough - that somehow magically all problems in the world will disappear.
What happens next - is that we will self pathologize ourselves - we will believe that our reaction to toxic people is our weakness which we must cover up with narcissistic image of superiority and grandeur. This way - CBT is is instructing us to develop mental illness and toxic shame.
---
"one can limit the pain they receive from others, by changing their perception."
This statement is not true.
IF we have Agreeable personality style - we will care about other people and what they do - we are empaths.
If we have Openness personality trait - we will be open to toxic people and their crap and they will hurt us over and over again - because our personality trait is to be open without borders.
If we intend to "fix" persona - we will develop personality disorder - and toxic shame - we will destroy our self worth which you mention here.
Self worth does not mean being isolated and denying trauma nor self worth means suppressing negative emotions.
---
"real life is very much game like."
Nah - this does not work with the cause of social anxiety: toxic people, pathological liars (people who present your false information deliberately 24/7), it does not help with coercive control, it does not help with injustice, it does not help with gang mob, with mobbing, with abuse, narcissistic abuse, bullying.
---
" facing your fears will make you stronger and braver."
When your partner poops in your bed and contemplate court suit to take all your money and fame - facing your fears will not make you neither stronger nor braver. IT will traumatize you.
---
People with social anxiety do not react defensively, nor they are irritated and they do not take it personally at all.
They feel toxic shame - they feel contaminated instead.
"then they aren't a person worth being around"
In real life - we cannot quit our job at our whim,
we do not all live in LA or NY where we can change our jobs every 5 minutes.
Some don't have money to escape. Some have contract to stay. some have third party to take care of.
". Sometimes we have to accept the negative experience "
People with social anxiety already do accept negative - and project and introject it inside.
---
Let's just keep focus on the topic here.
Topic is social anxiety.
We need to learn that social anxiety is not question of will power, of being strong nor being courageous.
Social anxiety is related to trauma and abuse and evil people.
It is aspect of neurodivergent brain - which is not sickness nor anything to heal or fix.
---
You said ""You're assuming too much based on very little information here""
That is shaming since you attack my words, you want to shut me up. That is how social anxiety starts - with toxic people shaming others into silence and giving labels which you invent along the way - just because you don't like the truth and objective facts.
---
Whatever the situation, when there is some toxic narcissistic person who feels entitled to believe they have strong power over other - that is narcissistic abuse. IT can be from doctors, from trash on the street, anyone. It goes with all shapes and forms, titles or without titles in their names.
---
Topic here is social anxiety. Social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
What you are describing here in your post is anxiety and depression - but it is not bullying, you never mention mobbing, there is no talk about narcissistic abuse.
You did not mention that your caretakers criticized you when growing up, nitpicking your mistakes 24/7 and you don't mention that kids rejected you in teen years.
Bullying, mobbing, narcissistic abuse - are the main stumbling blocks for socially anxious. Obviously - this is not your stumbling block - hence, you do not have social anxiety issue.
---
" I always thought that social anxiety meant social anxiety. You know anxiety in social settings. Anxious around people in social circumstance. "
Good catch. That is self anxiety. We are explained by CBT that our anxiety is caused by our hallucinations, that we imagine the danger.
While in reality - other people are abusive and toxic and intrusive. They have been in the past - and now we can detect them easily-
so when we are triggered - it is due to social factor. External factor. Panic does not come when we read a comic book or drink sweet soda by the beach or in the mountains by the Xmas tree. Anxiety is triggered by social factor. Hence - social+anxiety. Anxiety stemming from the social. Not from our selves.
CBT is misleading us and it is creating mental illness by making us believe we are sick, abnormal and that there is something that needs to be fixed inside us.
While in reality - toxic people cause social anxiety
---
"We have to go by the medical definitions"
Why?
Self prophecy rings a bell?
"Never heard of the so called Cogntive Therapy experts you mention, who are they?"
If someone would have social anxiety - he or she would by a book about social anxiety - chances are this book will be written by CBT therapist.
If you google social anxiety - main medical resources are created and written by CBT experts. Who do you think else would write those articles? Madonna? ;D
"years of scientific and clinical discussions and changed diagnostics with conferences"
You have very romantic perspective of medical industry.
Try more of pharma mafia making money on trauma and suppressing information about trauma.
Or white privilege - entitled rich children of corporation monsters who put their spoiled brats in medical industry. They are the ones who decide what is "diagnosis". Not the research.
---
@Emma Mix "Except that a person with anxiety disorder doesn't have a broken brain, they have weakened pathways that need to be strengthened"
This statement is untrue.
"But at some point during healing/physical therapy,"
At what point?
What competencies you have to make a decision when it is time for such point?
"You're assuming someone with anxiety is broken."
No.
It was analogy to your faulty claims by comparing anxiety to physical exercise.
"They just need to work harder to strengthen that capability."
This belief will prolong anxiety.
IT is totally wrong.
Anxiety is not something to will away. IT is not a matter of will.
I hope you are not therapist, you are doing damage to people by malpractice. You will end up in court for medical abuse.
"Anxiety disorder isn't like a broken leg, it's more like a knee with a tracking issue"
Anxiety disorder is trauma.
Trauma has no expiry date and healing is not linear and does not comply to your faulty fantasy explanations of anxiety.
---
"Bullying and being judged by parents is something that happens with literally everyone."
This statement is untrue.
" as it can be applied to just about any sort of person having any sort of mental problem."
This statement is over-generalization, this is cognitive distortion.
"Parents weren't really around that much because they were at work. Father would play chess because he was a sore loser, and he often was very silent "
People who deal with real social anxiety were having parents who nagged and complained all the time - about smallest and insignificant things that you do or you don't do. It is never-ending, mixed with hysteria - and it happened every single day, 24/7. Flood of criticism. That is the root of social anxiety - when exposed to this specific emotional abuse - socially anxious people are always in emotional dysregulation, have particular triggers related to criticism and have fearful avoidant attachment issues. Mixed with neurodivergency - Autism and ADHD spectrum. That mixture of criticism and sensitivity is social anxiety.
---
(31.5.2023)
"Countless psychological studies have shown that specific neural pathways require strengthening or restructuring when it comes to nervous/anxiety disorders"
These apply to non-traumatized neurotypicals.
CBT does not recognize Sorites Paradox. Instead CBT is itself Black and White Thinking cognitive distortion, where people are Boolean type - either broken or healthy, one and zero value. CBT does not perceive Fuzzy logic - real world , instead CBT oversimplifies people - and then creates mental illness. That is why CBT must be banned.
"exposure therapy being an incredibly effective way of restructuring those pathways."
Exposure will mask trauma and toxic shame which are beneath the visible symptoms, which CBT cannot see. This way CBT leads to Masking and making trauma Functional - and then trauma and toxic shame festers. CBT is doing incredible psychological damage. Michael Jackson was severely socially anxious - yet his social anxiety was Functional - he performed in front of billions of people, exposing himself without any problems at all. And this ended in tragedy due to unprocessed and unhealed trauma.
"You directly suggested "
I am not topic here.
" I said it was a matter of careful training "
That is the same as will power crap.
"would make the anxiety disappear."
Stifling down trauma leads to mental illness. Emotions are not bad. Once a person who exposes meet traumatic event, Black Swan even - such person will experience immense anxiety - and due to your approach - now they will label anxiety as sickness and abnormality and they will fuse sense of worth (lack of worth) with anxiety. You are doing incredible psychological damage to people. Please stop it.
"But overall your baseline approach will grow stronger with time."
Idea to be strong is narcissism.
You are living in delusional fantasy world of narcissism. All people have basic worth - with or without anxiety.
If someone appears strong - this is narcissistic mask of superiority and mental illness.
" one that has helped me manage my anxiety for years."
You never had social anxiety to begin with. You simply masked narcissistic disorder and borderline with more of narcissism and fantasy delusions.
"simply wanted to share something with the community"
This does not make you immune to evaluation and facts and objective reality. Just because you share something it does not make you God like figure who must never be questioned. The belief that you are entitled to talk nonsense and lies does not mean that people must shut up and take your narcissistic crap as truth.
"So I don't intend to consider your responses from here on out,"
Narcissistic injury and narcissistic collapse.
People like you are doing incredible damage to really socially anxious people - since you make CBT "experts" believe that social anxiety is your masked narcissism- Then CBT makes the whole technique mechanisms program based on belief that social anxiety is hallucination.
Plus you end up spreading social anxiety on other empaths and sensitive people - by presenting yourself as victim we must believe in, and then you attack and smother them when they say something truthful which chips off your narcissistic mask.
---
" That is an interesting theory you have. "
Thanks!
It is easily check-able and prove-able.
" then everyone would get social anxiety from interacting with them"
If you ever educate yourself about Complex Trauma and Narcissistic abuse and Aduld Children of Alcoholics - you would learn that children who grow up in healthy homes where there is no alcoholic criticism nor any kind of narcissistic abuse (covert or over) - that these kind of individuals grow up with Emotional Regulation being automatic. They do not have triggers nor toxic shame which are motor that keeps social anxiety ongoing in adulthood.
"But that is not the case. "
It is.
You can check out ACE - Adverse Childhood Experience and effects on mind.
Long term exposure to narcissistic injury damages the brain - google it.
"It is an interaction between the outside world (toxic people) and our inner world that is causing it. "
You do not feel social anxiety in healthy, psychological safety ambient.
Enough said.
"And what I mean by inner world is our thoughts, feelings, beliefs etc. "
When child is exposed to relentless criticism, Piaget developmental stages will never be completed. Instead there will be constant hpyervigilance or hypovigilance and Survival mode with triggers and flashbacks. These all people with social anxiety report. Those who do not have social anxiety either masked their abuse with narcissism or have healthy adjustement due to completion of Piaget developmental stages - which were never interrupted with abuse.
You do not shake baby - due to its fragile bones. You will break them. The same applies to human brain. Verbal abuse effect are easily proven that cause mental issues - when exposed over long period of time, 24/7.
"I don't know how to convince the bundle of thoughts and beliefs (they call it the Ego in the east) that people are not a danger. "
Urge to convince yourself that you are safe stems from Dysfunctional Defense mechanisms in childhood when exposed to mentally ill caretakers - narcissistic abuse. Children who had healthy parents never developed these defense mechanisms since they were feeling safe all the time and validated and accepted. We weren't. Now as adults - we will sniff out narcissists very easily - and then self blame ourselves for feeling anxiety and label it as contamination - which is toxic shame actually process.
" I did notice that my own social anxiety that I have suffered greatly from diminished to basically nothing when I realized that I wasn't the ego. "
This is called Narcissism-
You simply build fake rigid persona - and then you feel good in your shell. That is mental illness. That is not healthy. And it will lead to conflict with other people.
All our emotions are good. Stifling down emotions leads to mental illness.
Plus it is a matter of neurodivergent brain - which you never mention in your analysis.
Neurodivergency is not sickness nor abnormality - there is nothing to diminish ego about it.
---
"I have not met someone that has not had issues caused by bullying in some way."
Due to Confirmation bias and Availability Heuristics.
You equate that everyone has trauma and everyone was bullied just because the circle of people you attract in your life are abusers and victims of abuse. This phenomena is called Overgeneralization and Jumping to quick conclusions which are not true reality, objective facts.
"I don't see how that would be a cognitive distortion."
That is how overgeneralization and quick bias conclusions are cognitive distortion. Official definition:
"A common cognitive distortion is overgeneralizing. Overgeneralizing is when you think of something as being always or never. For example, that something will continue to occur forever and will literally never end, or that it will never happen."
"It all depends on how you view that information. "
Who is the one who will tell what is truth? Think about it more.
Who is in authority to explain reality - which is multifold and dualistic.
The answer to this questions pinpoint covert narcissists- who pretend to be superior to others and who insist their fantasy world is real(ity).
"sometimes it is better to move on"
Suppression of trauma is Defence mechanism.
"Suppression: Consciously choosing to block ideas or impulses that are undesirable, as opposed to repression, a subconscious process. This defense mechanism may be present in someone who has intrusive thoughts about a traumatic event but pushes these thoughts out of their mind."
"rather than to dwell on the fact that a problem has happened "
This is another overgeneralization that you struggle with.
You think that processing trauma is worry and rumination. That is why CBT is dangerous - CBT is instructing you to think this way which is cognitive distortion and bias.
" some problems cannot be fixed even when you do know the source."
Problem with social anxiety is toxic shame. Toxic shame is feeling of contamination for feeling or experiencing something uncomfortable. That is problem - toxic shame.
" so you can focus on the important things in life"
When we strifle down negative emotions due to toxic shame - they will not vanish. They will direct our mind - Jung said that:
C.G. Jung — 'Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.'
"because you aren't focusing on negative thoughts 24/7."
Processing trauma is not the same as rumination and worry.
" I have a tendency to talk a bit too much as is."
This is toxic shame - you blame yourself for being too much. You have every right to express yourself in any way you like and what feels natural to you - as long as you don't harm other people in the process. Since you are not harming anyone - there is nothing contaminated inside you. There is no reason to self censor yourself as our toxic shame tells us due to emotional abuse we went through.
" I could make these comments 10 times longer easily"
This is complex topic. It is not simple to talk about and expose all facets and facts into the open.
" Being concise is a skill I'm still trying to master."
There is a difference between being concise and oversimplification.
" sounds more like you're talking about the most severe cases of anxiety disorder"
Social anxiety and any anxiety is Sorites Paradox -
it depends when grain of sand becomes a heap. This is what CBT does not understand and that is the cause of problems and inability to grasp anxiety. So CBT will label anxiety as abnormality and sickness, something to stifle down and pretend it does not exist - and then we end up with mental illness and personality disorder due to CBT's everlasting wrong interpretations.
Anxiety and trauma are not labels to put as small or big. There is no limit to what someone who's been abused must admit or hush down so that it does not appear too big to CBT.
"rather than just a normal anxiety disorder "
Social anxiety comes in shades. It can be shyness - normal anxiety. It can also be panic - which is extreme anxiety and anything in between those two extremes.
" It's kind of hard to grasp where you are coming from, like we live in completely different worlds"
Yes, that is the point here.
When we are traumatized and have any emotional issues - we get isolated and then truth appears as if it belongs to a different world. This phenomena is called Confirmation Bias and Availability Heuristicts. It is like fish not being aware it is in the water and that anything else exists apart of water - since the water is everything it will experience in its life, unless caught in a a net.
"I just wanna say thank you for what you've said so far, it'll give me something to contemplate later."
Thank you.
This is my intention here, that we shake up our core beliefs and introduce information which CBT bans and blocks to us.
We are much more productive as slaves and zombies to corporations and narcissists.
The matrix has no use of us when we start to use our own brain- we are much more exploitable when we are pushovers and people pleasers and when we fawn to narcissists and pathocracy which keeps veil over our eyes, filter from within we cannot see true reality and all facts as they are in real world.
---
Everything is paradox.
This phenomena is called Grand Paradox.
Quotes about Grand Paradox:
What is The Grand Paradox?
Everything is acceptable and it is also unacceptable.
Everything is OK and nothing is OK.
Everything is right and it is not.
If you believe in duality, then you will find it everywhere.
If you don't believe in duality, then it disappears.
The Grand Paradox
What looks like struggle can actually be the most important and meaningful season of our lives.
The Grand Paradox
You give purpose and meaning to the world around you. You create your own reality.
The Grand Paradox
- end of quotes -
That is why it is useless to talk in CBT damaging terms of "will power", being "strong" and "courageous" and or "competent" and "practice" or "exposure".
These all will come naturally once our Maslow Needs are satisfied - when we feel psychological safety inside us and outside.
Instead we need to focus on neurodivergency and trauma: so that we
able to differentiate between anxiety, depression, and dysregulation.
When we follow CBT crap we end up in hamster wheel and we are controlled by our trauma, as Jung said:
C.G. Jung — 'Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.'
CBT must be banned - it is creating incredible psychological damage to socially anxious: traumatized and abused targets of psychopaths and narcissists.
---
That is Fight Response.
When we have trauma, when we are traumatized, there are 4 responses to trauma:
Fight
Flight
Freeze
and Fawn.
Neither of these responses are good or bad, better or worse - they are all reactions, they are triggers bound and come with flashbacks.
Instead of willing our power away from anxiety, dysregulation and meltdowns - we need to learn how to process trauma -which in most cases encapsulates learning how to handle difficult and evil people: who are true cause of social anxiety in the first place.
When we punch things and expose - we won't become trauma-less. We will be guided by our unconsciousness as Jung said.
This means - we will become pushovers and people pleasers when we socialize. Toxic people will take advantage of us.
Then exposing will re-traumatize us - since we carry toxic shame inside us due to trauma and exposure to emotional abuse while growing up.
Instead of exposure - there is work on toxic shame and healing trauma that needs to be done beforehand.
Maslow needs triangle shows us that self actualization (exposure) is the last need.
We need to satisfy our primary needs first: feeling safe, psychological safety. Then exposure will come naturally on its own - once we are not toxically ashamed nor traumatized.
---
His CBT crap is extremely dangerous - it will lead to narcissism and mental illness.
Please let me explain:
He is promoting CBT crap that our anxiety is weakness and vulnerability. Which must be cured and suppressed and destroyed.
Feeling anxiety is natural - and it is message that tells us that someone is evil and needs to be cut or minimized contact with.
When we ignore this message .- and instead when we follow CBT wrong explanation that emotions are bad and that we must be flawless and perfect - we will create narcissism.
Narcissists live in delusional fantasy schizophrenia world where they are strong and courageous all the time. So any external fact and truth will cause narcissistic collapse and narcissistic injury - temper tantrums and abuse.
Narcissism is dysfunctional defense mechanism which evil people lean onto - in order to run away from problems - and instead create fake image of superiority by abusing others. That is how serial killers and mass murderers are made of - like Putin or Stalin.
In reality - we are not our emotions. We are not bad if we feel bad.
The belief that we are bad because we feel scared is toxic shame and it is part of trauma and exposure to narcissistic abuse while growing up.
---
"So I need to practice my neutral yes? Kinda knew that already"
Nope. You do not need to practice anything. Practice and neutral yes will come naturally later on after you satisfied Maslow needs.
Social anxiety is toxic shame -
we believe we are faulty and that there is something wrong with us, that we must practice ourselves into something we think will magically resolve anxiety.
Any ritual as response to anxiety leads to OCD.
Instead of I must be this or I must practice this, which is toxic shame belief - in order to heal toxic shame we need to accept and validate ourselves. With or without neutral yes. With mistakes and flaws and imperfections.
Idea that we must practice ourselves into superior, strong super human being is narcissism and this is what we were programmed to belive when we were emotionally abused and neglected and invalidated in childhood - now as adults we repeat these narcissistic messages we were conditioned to believe in as only reality: that we must be something more than ourselves to handle life and difficult people.
--
YT "Does Fear of Conflict Prevent You From Setting Boundaries? - Terri Cole"
This does not help in real life.
Pathological liar supply us with false information which we are not aware it is a lie in the first place- leading us to waste time and energy on us trying to have honest communication.
Then we cannot leave toxic people - due to money or third party - and we are forced to do some task with such toxic people.
What then?
---
YT ""
3 ways you developed toxic shame #shame #toxicshame #mentalhealth #trauma"
"how do I fix it.."
Validation. Self acceptance. Being fine with mistakes and flaws and not hiding them or pretending they don't exist nor trying to overcompensate (pretend to be strong and courageous as a way to impress others)
---
Toxic shame must be exposed.
Talking and expression about it - heals toxic shame - since it is exposed.
Toxic shame hates light and exposure.
---
YT "Behind the toxic shame"
Yep.
Toxic shame is motor which keeps social anxiety issues ongoing - even labeling social anxiety itself as something to be ashamed of and hide away by being "strong" and "courageous" and to "practice" being strong and confident - as a way of overcompensating deep seated feeling of worthiness.
---
YT "My Name Is TOXIC SHAME | John Bradshaw"
Toxic shame leads to social anxiety issues - which CBT faulty labels as cognitive distortion issue.
Narcissists and abusers and serial killers and all criminals in the world also have toxic shame - which they got during childhood abuse - and they overcompensate their toxic shame by abusing others and harming others and by impressing others by being strong and evil, what they believe is mark of alpha male and strength, competence.
The society itself is toxic - because toxically ashamed and conformist society in general will interpret anger and abuse as a mark of competence and strength - instead of taking abusers to take accountability for abuse. Proven with Milgram Experiment.
---
Unless we get educated and freely express ourselves, our trauma and toxic shame - there will be no help in exposure of any kind. Suppressed parts of ourselves are making us stuck, suck and sick because they are shamed and denied and suppressed away - due to CBT ideology that anxiety means sickness and abnormality that must be destroyed.
Emotions can't get destroyed - they go into shadow and then guide us without us being aware of it much of the times.
---
(1.6.2023)
""You missed the beginning where he said the same thing about socially anxious people focusing on other people""
Someone left this comment in my inbox notification but comment got deleted.
What Narcissistic alcoholic Jordan Peterson is talking about self conscious - obsessive thoughts. He is talking about self awareness.
This is true - however in the same time socially anxious look at other people - due to fear of attack.
Social anxiety is trauma and toxic shame - caused by alcoholic environment. Adult Children of Alcoholic & Dysfunctional Families - and now the alcoholic himself are brainwashing us giving us false data which makes social anxiety worse.
He says "make other people comfortable" and "Pay attention to them".
Why?
Why would be make abusers comfortable?
Someone who is toxic and intrusive?
Why would we trauma bond with someone who is aggressive?
The correct approach is to listen to our social anxiety intuition and cut contact with abusers, psychopaths, abnormal people like him who are triggering are wounds of being exposed to evil people like him, alcoholics.
---
"think of the worst case scenarios"
This is called OCD (PureOCD - obsession over bad things that might happen).
" then plan out my response to each of those"
This leads to hypervigilance and constant worry and constant intrusive thoughts - since PureOCD is like OCD - it leads to more compulsions to avoid bad things in life. This ends up as Agoraphobia if not treated - since very soon - everything will scare us and we won't have response to bad things. There is no response to bad things no bad people.
Such magical cure does not exist - because problem is not in our head - evil people choose to abuse, it is their decision and it is not connected with our thoughts nor actions.
In alcoholic home we learned to fix other people's problems and we feel responsible for problems that happen in life.
"Having a plan, that I can almost automatically implement, takes a lot of stress out of unknown situations. "
PureOCD gives temporary relief - this is what makes it addiction. But very soon it turns into obsessions and compulsions - mental in our head.
We worry and we think of bad things that might happen. This is like hamster wheel.
"I have a fallback I’ve already planned"
This is trait of avoidant person - Avoidance. They always have prepared escape. This is no way to live.
Instead of focus on bad things and bad people - we need to take risks, make mistakes and take initiative in life.
Social anxiety stems from Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families - where we learned that if bad thing happen - we are contaminated (toxic shame) - and that it is our task in life to fix other people and prevent bad things from happening , including making mistakes and being flawed. This toxic belief leads to hypervigilance, triggers, re-traumatization, toxic shaming, inner critic, fearful avoidant attachment styles, dysfunctional defense mechanisms and constant worry: anxiety that appears as social anxiety.
We need to heal toxic shame: deep core toxic belief that we are contaminated if bad things happen and if we feel bad.
---
Exposure will not help.
our thought patterns are wrapped in trauma and toxic shame - and when exposing - these patterns will be running rampant even during exposure.
Exposure will help us is we have driving phobia - repeated exposure will help with panic symptoms to become regulated with time.
Exposure will help us to get our panic symptoms regulated in job tasks and going shopping - regular things which make up life.
HOWEVER .- this will make trauma and toxic shame Functional and Masked.
Trauma and toxic shame are problem - and these need Exposure of its own sort.
Exposing trauma means exploring it. learning what is Complex Trauma, how Polyvagal Theory works - we need to learn that our emotions and overreactions are normal after-effects and by-product of emotional, narcissistic and alcoholic abuse which caused social anxiety in the first place. Healing trauma means that we are no longer governed by unprocessed trauma and triggers and its flashbacks all the time.
Healing toxic shame means - expressing ourselves and taking initiative - so that we are no longer preoccupied with our mistakes, flaws and errors and our neurodivergent brain which appears as flawed to neurotypicals.
---
"When I do put myself out there, it almost feel as if I go on auto pilot"
Yes.
This is called Amygdala Hijacking and Emotional Dysregulation - many CBT therapist have no idea that this concepts even exist - or they google it and they think they know it, so they (therapists) give false information or they are unable to explain it to person who is traumatized, or even weaponize it against the person (by equating feelings with self worth).
I personally call it Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde phenomena.
We become anxious and we become a kind of different person with limited scope of memory to work with - this happens due to exposure to alcoholic emotional and narcissistic abuse as children, where we were in constant Survival mode and worry and conditioned to regulate untreated unrecognized mentally ill people in charge around us.
When we are not aware that this personality change happens - we go into hyper-cognition and hypo-cognition - due to CBT explanations - which explain trauma reactions as personality disorder and cognitive distortions.
So instead of being aware that we have unprocessed alcoholic trauma inside us - we end up with self blame and self-pathologizing due to ever-faulty CBT.
"it's because of constantly being in fight/flight mode"
Yes.
There are 4F actually.
There is Fight - where we might become Karen
Flight - where we put out head in sand or run away
Freeze - where we collapse and can't do anything
Fawn - where we try to make abusive and intrusive people into our gods whom we must follow, obey and worship and take their narcissistic crap as our own fault and our own contamination to cure and fix.
These are Trauma responses - these are indicative that we were abused.
Many commentators and laics and CBT therapist deny trauma (even on this comment thread) - and they say that trauma does not exist. They claim that toxic people do not exist. They instruct us to self blame - and this ends up as victim blaming, victim shaming and enabling abuse to continue.
Toxic evil people exist and they are very real.
Exposure , long term exposure to narcissistic abuse causes brain injury - google it.
So Exposure which CBT is promoting - can give us brain injury if we are in toxic ambient surrounded by toxic people - who are mostly covert and they have glib charm - so many people will think they are normal and healthy and that we are hallucinating the abuse.
Glib charm is the first sign of psychopathy.
We need to learn about narcissistic abuse - to recognize red flags and learn how to handle and manage toxic people.
CBT will tell us to cut contact and to be assertive with toxic people (which they call "difficult") - but many people do not have money to escape. Also - entering into argument with antagonistic person who is pathological liar leads to Karpman Drama Triangle. So once again - exposure will bring trauma and abuse and anxiety - not healing.
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CBT is faulty therapy filed with cognitive distortions which they claim that socially anxious have.
Social anxiety has its roots in Alcoholic emotional and narcissistic abuse we endured in childhood.
CBT is therapy which is making money for pharma mafia - to make money profit on human neurosis and trauma. CBT is therapy for the rich - it is not intended for normal every day people.
The quickest way to heal trauma is money - and living with silver spoon since birth. Then CBT crap will actually work. Since if we are in toxic situation - we will simply buy our way out - and we will attract enough people with our money to lure them in - which will provide us with support and mental health in return.
Social anxiety is trauma and toxic shame.
When exposed to alcoholic abuse - we got our nervous system wired to be anxious and dysregulated. All this chaos happened automatically - and it certainly is not our fault.
Now we are stuck with neurodivergent brain - which is trained to detect danger easily. It is plagued with Rejection Sensitivity due to exposure to toxic criticism from alcoholic and neurotypical society - both of whom do not allow differences , flaws, mistakes nor errors of any kind.
So we are trained by alcoholic and neurotypical toxic society to be perfectionist, that we are not allowed to be different , and that we are not allowed to be mistaken or flawed in any way.
So - social anxiety is natural after-effect and by-product of narcissistic abuse.
We will seek help: and CBT will explain to us that we are disordered, that there is something wrong with us. CBT will equate our emotions (weak, vulnerable, scared) with out personality - and this will create personality disorder and mental illness: because we will hate ourselves and we will become convinced that there is something abnormal inside us (toxic shame).
The solution is therefore: that we accept and validate ourselves- as humanistic Psychology tells us since 1930s - which CBT tries to suppress and block from learning about it.
CBT is part of narcissistic abuse and ableism: we are much more useful to corporations when we are constantly scared and when we are made to believe that there is something abnormal and sick inside us, that we must fix and overcome and change - all the time, all our lives. CBT will make us into zombie, without initiative and self esteem. We will end up constantly worrying what other people think of us - and we will interpret reaction to abusive people as our own contamination. We won't be allowed to be flawed nor mistaken - we will be instructed by CBT to be perfectionist and that we stifle our reactions to abuse deep down - so that abusers are enabled to abuse.
More at my blog(s) and reddit forum.
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YT "INFJ attracts narcissists"
Narcissists love healthy, friendly, nice people- that is the reason. They use our ethical and moral standards against us.
This is the paradox and something to think about.
Being nice and healthy - leads to us being sick and attracting sick people.
Long term exposure to narcissistic abuse causes brain injury.
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"So important to set boundaries and protect our peace."
Absolute truth -
but in real life - setting boundaries leads to Femicide, getting fired from job, being backstabbed.
Getting another job is easy in LA and NY but other places - it is not so easy.
Also - it is dangerous to think that our brain or our actions are related to evil people.
IT is dangerous to think that our thinking and behaving is somehow related to evil people.
This can end up as schizophrenia - and OCD - since we will believe that we need to find some magical thinking or magical action which will prevent evil people from manifesting.
In reality - evil people abuse because they are abnormal.
IT has nothing to do with our thinking.
When we believe that we are contaminated due to exposure to evil people: this is toxic shame and sign of unprocessed and unhealed trauma inside us - which needs urgent attention.
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A We need to be careful behind the urge to "set boundaries".
If we are healthy, if there is no trauma - if we do not have covert toxic shame deep inside us - we won't feel attacked by abnormal people.
We will see toxic people as sick untreated monsters which toxic society allows to roam freely in society due to pathocracy.
When we start to think that we are so vulnerable that toxic people can somehow destroy our self worth and inner world: this is sign of trauma and deep toxic shame - and all narcissists also have this issue themselves.
This is why they abuse in the first place: they want to restore their self worth and self esteem by diminishing other people around them or anyone who criticize them or expose their fakeness or brings objectivity and truth in the open which exposes their vulnerabilities which they try to hide.
In the same way - if we believe we must have boundaries - this means that we have no idea that we already do have boundaries - and it is indicative of toxic shame and unprocessed trauma inside us.
Narcissists sniff these lack of knowledge about our inner boundaries - and they sniff easily people who have Trumps inside their heads who want to put magical fake boundaries in their minds.
So idea to build boundaries - will result in anxiety and toxic people - we will attract toxic people like moth to a flame.
They will nitpick our fake boundaries - and we will focus on building these imaginary boundaries - we will be preoccupied with toxic people - instead of planning our future and taking risks and being innovative - we will put all our resources into building these OCD boundaries in our heads - which are totally unnecessary if we are mentally healthy.
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We simply need to heal toxic shame (feeling of being contaminated when in contact with evil people) and trauma (which stems from Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families concept) -- trauma that needs to be healed, processed and exposed to light, like toxic shame too.
When we are mentally healthy - abnormal people will not shake the foundation of our core self. When we live in toxic ambient - we learn to build fake persona - and we are easily shattered and we are fragile - since our persona is fake - it is build inside toxic ambient filled with invalidation and hatred and stigma. We never had chance to build healthy true self core self - due to exposure to alcoholic narcissistic and emotional abuse.
Now - when we meet toxic people - these false self reacts to abuse and abusive people - and it feels like pain, harm, hurt and anxiety to us. We feel contaminated when someone is abusive: we believe we are responsible for their abuse, we think we must heal and fix them and that we are guilty for them having mood swings. Toxic person will happily confirm all these bias and prejudices and stigma we believe in due to exposure to abuse, where we learned to think this way when we were children and when our psyche was supposed to grow into adult. Instead our mind got programmed and conditioned to be people pleaser, to be afraid of authority, to serve anyone who is angry, to believe that yelling means competence of the hysterical person - and that it automatically means that we are contaminated, wrong and guilty and ashamed.
So instead of "empower" ourselves - we need the opposite.
We need to embrace being vulnerable, weak, human - everything which we were not allowed to be as children due to exposure to alcoholic and emotional and narcissistic abuse in our toxic ambient.
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Toxic people hate truth, objective facts and exposing elephant in the room (obvious problem which no one actually sees or talk about). When we self censor ourselves - we got taken advantage of. Our talking, expressing, our truth, truthfulness is our weapon against toxic people who love secrecy, censorship, silence.
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It is scary to see how American medical industry is blocking and banning information about CPTSD and codependency - and instead it instructs victims of abuse to self blame and self pathologize (ABC model and cognitive distortions crap).
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YT "High Sensitivity and AVPD| End The Cycle| #hsp #avpd #healing
"
I would cut to chase.
Avoidance stem from Dysfunctional home. There is no other explanation. CBT is giving us wrong explanations and pathologize us and lead us astray.
For those who do not know -
CBT is all self help books about social anxiety and any formal medical information about social anxiety issues - in any source of media: will be based on CBT. CBT is first official legal medical psychology response to avoidance and social anxiety issues.
Avoidance issue and social anxiety - it is not genetical.
We otherwise would not identify it as disorder, we would not seek self help about it - since we would not notice that there are any problems.
When we suffer from avoidance and social anxiety there are symptoms: panic, fear, dread, dysregulation around authority, anyone who appears intrusive and "strong" and "dominant". These kind of fears are not related to empathy nor sensitivity -
we would be sensitive but we toxic people would not be in our head in inner critic form, we would not ruminate about it.
Rumination and worry stem from exposure to alcoholic abuse, emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse: where someone mentally ill untreated has forced us through system of punishment to shut up and never expose our needs, fears, wants and disagreement. Due to exposure to such punishments - now we avoid people and we are afraid of angry people: social anxiety and avoidance.
There is a difference when we are sensitive, when we process information from life deeply - when we feel things deeply - and that is not the same as fear of people. We have avoidance, disgust and fear of only those people who mimic our original trauma: hysterical and violent and intrusive people.
Problem with CBT and sensitivity is - when we decide to put labels on our experiences of anxiety as "sensitivity" and distortion - we will self pathologize ourselves and we will blame ourselves for other people being abusive.
That is why Exposure will not work.
Exposure with toxic shame and trauma means re-traumatization.
Exposure will lead to making things Functional and Masked. This leads to trauma and shame being stifled down and denied and suppressed.
Suppression of emotion leads to mental illness.
When we get CBT message that we need to fix our thoughts - which are not broken - we self pathologize ourselves.
We end up believing that our emotions are bad and that we are hence bad. We will start to believe that when bad things happen to us that we are contaminated - and that no bad emotions are allowed - that bad emotions means that we are bad people. This is mental illness: emotional fusion: where we equate fleeting emotions to our self worth. That is why CBT is dangerous and CBT is creating mental illness.
Avoidance stems from exposure to trauma - this is not our choice. We did nothing to cause the abuse. So there is nothing in our head to fix. If we believe that we are abnormal and sick for having bad emotions - will lead to personality disorder: because we will never trust our brain to handle and manage life. We will believe each time when we encounter someone toxic -- when we feel natural reactions as panic to such abnormal people - we will believe that we are abnormal for having panic emotions.
Having emotions is not abnormal. Having emotions is not sickness. There is no abnormality in feeling wide array of emotions.
CBT says that we are abnormal if we feel scared. We feel scared due to exposure to alcoholic abuse.
If we have magical potion to destroy negative emotions - we would never cut contact with dangerous people. We would stay with them - we would develop codependency and we would live inside Karpman Drama Triangle.
Abusive toxic people abuse because they are abnormal - that has nothing to do with our thinking or how we process life. Our thoughts did not cause abusive people to be evil. Evil people choose to be evil - because they are abnormal. They will gladly blame us for them being abusive - but that is narcissistic abuse, evil people are pathological liars and they project their abnormality onto their victims.
When we follow CBT ideology that emotions are sickness - we will stigmatize ourselves into belief that we are abnormal when we feel emotions.
Those uncomfortable emotions which CBT labels as distortion and hallucination are after-effects of alcoholic abuse.
WE did not cause that emotional abuse. Emotional abuse by definition is coercive control where we are punished into silence and self-censorship.
Therefore - instead of CBT explanation where we must block emotions - what we need to do is talk - and express our thoughts.
That is all.
CBT will tell us that feeling panic is abnormal and sick. It is totally normal to feel panic due to exposure to alcoholic abuse while growing up - when our psyche was suppose to be in safety environment - but got invalidation and criticism instead.
The bottom line is: if we are not serial killers, if we are not Trump or Putin: if we do not have hidden agenda to harm others or urinate in prostitute mouths to feel orgasm - there is nothing wrong with us, there is no sickness inside us. Feeling emotions is not sickness. Being rapist is sick. Being narcissist is sick. Exploiting prostitutes and defecating on them is the only abnormality. Feeling emotions and panic for being violated by such narcissists is not sickness.
CBT is comprised of pharma mafia which is making huge money profit on victims of abuse and blaming them for experiencing abuse as own fault.
AvPD is defense mechanism which our brain picked up as successful shield against mentally ill people who are untreated and probably in some authority place where toxic society worships sick people - and in the same time blames the victims and whistleblowers.
CBT is doing incredible psychological damage by hypercognition - and it was used as a weapon to shut up whistleblowers - when narcissist Nixon was destroying America. (The Martha Mitchell Effect).
Elaine Aron told in her book - that we do not pick up labels. That includes sensitivity. She clearly says that society in general will label anything different than norm as abnormality and sickness. When we put label on us which society constructed (it is not objective scientific truth) we will start self prophecy. This happens with CBT.
CBT tells us that feeling fears is distortion - so when we are in some kind of abusive situation - instead of blaming the abuser - we will self blame ourselves that we are "sensitive" and "shy" and that is the only problem there is.
When abuse happens - we did not cause it. Our labels did not cause the abuse. Evil people abuse because they choose to abuse - and our brain, our actions have nothing to do with it. Elaine Aron repeated over and over in her book that we do not follow labels and instead of labels and quick judgements - that we perceive our emotions in neutral.
CBT will instruct us that we label our emotions as personality disorder (even when we are abused) - and this will end up as personality disorder if we believe in that crap - because we will deny our self worth.
We do not need to do anything. We do not need to replace thoughts or anything - when we are abused - when our fears spring up - we must learn that this is not our fault. Due to exposure to alcoholic abuse - we will blame ourselves automatically - whenever something bad happens. We need to become aware of this automatic blame. That is why CBT is doing to us - CBT is quickly labeling our reactions to abuse as personal abnormality and distortion and disorder.
Reaction to abuse is not disorder. This label disorder is doing damage to us. Evil people who abuse others are disorder - not our reactions to narcissists.
Instead of CBT which automatically places blame on us - I would focus on abuse and abusive people as the cause of problem.
CBT will instruct us to expose, to make list of our fears and face them, CBT will tell us that we are weak and we must be strong. This way CBT is equating our self worth with our emotions - and that will end as mental illness. CBT must be banned.
In the end - building a fake persona which is strong - is narcissism. Building a persona who is flawless and without errors - is toxic shame. So CBT is instructing us to develop narcissism and toxic shame: that we must be perfectionist without bad emotions inside us and without any mistakes and errors.
Avoidance and social anxiety is issue of fear and passivity and people pleasing.
Therefore - social anxiety and avoidance are issue of trauma and toxic shame.
Information about highly sensitive is okay and informative - but these information will not help us at all with toxic shame nor with trauma.
What helps is information about Adult Child of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Homes.
Trauma needs to be exposed. Toxic shame needs to be exposed and brought to light.
Understanding that toxic rude people are working from their culture - will not help us with neither trauma nor toxic shame.
This information will enable abusers to abuse. And this information will make us passive - because we won't do anything to cut contact with such people or warn them when they bully us.
Information about highly sensitive will not help at all. It is great to learn it - but it won't help at all.
I read Elaine Aron book in 1997 - it never helped me at all. due to toxic shame.
The book is great and amazing - however back in 1997 there was no internet and there was no Complex Trauma information available - so a lot of puzzles were missing and are missing in that book.
Trauma work will also not help much. It is great to learn about trauma - but trauma understanding will be problem because we will start to believe that evil people are because we were traumatized. This leads to victim blaming and victim shaming.
Trauma information does not explain that coercive control happens because of evil people and because evil people choose to be evil. Adult children of alcoholic have deep toxic shame programming that anything bad and traumatic that happens is our own personal responsibility. So any trauma information will only add more burden - if toxic shame is not explained here.
Designing needs -
is not always connected with romantical relationship. If we live in toxic country - we won't be able to change toxic job easily.
So once again - we meet with problem with evil people. It has nothing to do with our sensitivity - evil people are problem.
In toxic country, when we are in poverty our needs will be locked in trauma and abuse and toxic shame - stemming from the external.
Idea that we are in driver seat and that there is some magical place - is fantasy and it is not real world when we live in toxic place. I would like to be realistic when we talk about issues of trauma and toxic shame. The basic message over and over again is - that we stop believing that we are somehow responsible for evil people being evil. That is not our responsibility to fix evil people.
When we are caught in label of being highly sensitive - we will become passive and become obsessed with our emotions. WE will never take risk(s). We will never be innovative. We will never instigate - instead we will shoot ourselves in the foot with inner critic being activated whenever we do something, any kind of action due to exposure to Alcoholic abuse while growing up.
This happens because CBT tells us that certain emotions are dangerous and need our attention and care. We will become obsessed to "take breaks" and we will be obsessed with our emotions. We will believe in labels other people throw at us and we will blindly get into OCD routines to heal something that is not broken in the first place.
Elain Aron repeatedly tells in her book that we interpret emotions as neutral. Neutral. Neutral means that we do not attach meaning or judgment to it. Positive nor negative.
She does not tells us that we create compulsive obsession OCD routines such as "taking breaks at shifts" regarding deep processing stimuli.
And reaction and routine to anxiety leads to OCD. Any. Good or bad. Healthy or toxic habit - as a routine will become OCD.
So what happens in real life when we follow quick non-scientific labels :
We will totally ignore people who are kind and nice and who have problems - we won't listen to them, we will be focused on our emotions instead. We will be preoccupied with our emotions and zoom into them like with a microscope - while life around us flows by.
Sometimes it is great to take time for ourselves - however the belief that we must always and routinely be isolated to process our emotions is not true. We need other people - for romance, to check truths, to get new knowledge - to get job, to get paid. We won't get paid for processing our emotions - we live in industrial capitalist society where we are forced to learn how to manage toxic people and live with them. The belief that we are artists and that we must always be secure and process emotions - will lead to self prophecy and self sabotage - because in reality - at some days we will need days to be alone - but not always. Labels disable - and labels with good intentions can harm us as well. Good intentions are pathway to hell.
Avoidant and socially anxious were social before bullying event. This is proven even with CBT in countless self help books.
This means - even when we are highly sensitive - we have some amount of socializing which we can bear and handle - but toxic people and evil people are telling us otherwise and we believe them - due to trauma and toxic shame.
This way any person can hypnotize us with their information and we will believe them.
So the problem is not in processing emotions as primary concern and primary problem - the problem is that due to exposure to Alcoholic abuse we are easily brainwashed by others - and this needs to be healed and brought to awareness.
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(2.6.2023)
ACoA web site includes Dysfunctional Families - and they have so called Laundry List. This List provides striking resemblance between social anxiety and Rejection Sensitivity.
All these stem from the same source: exposure to long term narcissistic abuse.
Narc abuse is not always screaming and or yelling. It is also invalidation and censorship and tyranny,.
Here is the Laundry list from ACoA web site:
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
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" how do you overcome it? I don't have an issue with going to talk to someone, i just don't have anything to talk about"
You're making a great point here.
However this topic right here is about social anxiety. This means socially anxious do have to talk about topic to yack about - but they don't due to panic and or abuse from the other person (their yelling, ordering us to shut up, threats).
I think you might check out my video Easy Explanation of Jung's Persona - it is comedy sketch with Alan Alda and Carol Burnett on her Show.
Alan Alda plays regular dude who has nothing to talk about with chicks so he invents movie dialogues to help him with topic and words. Carol's character notices it and interrogates him why he does that.
He says that he has nothing to say, that he is boring to girls.
This is more issue of creating our Social Persona - and this is what CBT is trying to force upon socially anxious - CBT interviewed a lot of people like you in 1990s and CBT got to wrong conclusions that socially anxious people are like you.
Social anxiety stems from trauma, exposure to bullying and alcoholic abuse all life - and now there are social fears about talking and acting in social situation.
Social anxiety is not about not finding words to speak - it is more of fear of speaking out and expressing due to toxic shame and destroyed self worth.
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" trained myself by randomly talking to a chasier"
This is great - you made your social anxiety/shyness Functional and Masked.
People are not born with fear of talking with a chasier. Some trauma had to happen in order to acquire this special form of fear.
Therefore - this will not resolve this trauma hidden and unprocessed inside us. Michael Jackson had his social anxiety made Functional and Masked in his job - however unresolved trauma of his ended in traged.
Also - making our social anxiety/shyness Functional will not help in real life situations - like mobbing and abuse at work.
AcoA's web site clearly states in their Laundry list that these kind of social/Rejection Sensitivity fears stem from exposure to Alcoholic abuse over long period of time - when we were growing up:
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
Apart from exposure to Dysfunctional family - the reason why we feel fear is neurodivergent - we process stimuli data in more deeply way than neurotypicals.
This ability to process stimuli in deeper manner is not sickness, nor abnormality nor anything to cure ort destroy nor to stifle down- we can observe this phenomena of being highly sensitive as neutral.
If we decide to follow CBT ableism and start to destroy and see our neurodivergence as enemy - we will develop personality disorder: more fears, more panic, more anxiety, more toxic shame - because we will destroy legitimate parts of ourselves like Jung's Shadow.
Without these parts- we won't be able to process situations such as narcissistic abuse when our borderline partner start to poop in our bed and contemplate our demise in fake court trials to label us as rapist.
--
Our fears come in stages.
The first fear must be broken - like breaking the ice.
When we do this - we will notice that fears comprise of being exposed to evil people who use their authority to harm and hurt others: narcissistic abuse.
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YT "How To Deal With Difficult People - The Stoic Philosophy of Marcus Aurelius"
In real life toxic people will nitpick our errors and flaws and mistakes.
This way - when we stay silent - we are giving signal that we are incompetent, stupid, unworthy and as if our mistakes are equal to our character and that we are the only ones who make mistakes in life. This can be extremely dangerous - since it leads to toxic shame: deep core belief we are mistake ourselves. Also - when we do not alarm difficult person - they will interpret this as green light to continue with abuse.
Think of example from life - if we are famous actor, we might end up with borderline person who poops in our bed and she contemplates the fake court trial in order to present us as rapist and to destroy our movie career and take our money. If we decide to be stoic - they will win the court, since we won't take our side of view in the open.
We will be without money and labelled as rapist - for life - even though it is a lie from mentally ill person.
OR another example -- is we are Ukraine and mentally ill dictator attacks us - if we are silent and not stand up to the bully - they would invade us, force us to learn and speak their language and be forced to follow their laws and rules of tyranny and dictatorship instead of liberty.
We need certain kind of defense in life. I agree that becoming monster ourselves is dysfunctional and leads to doom.
So there is a way to respond to difficult people - other than blaming ourselves as this video suggests.
When someone is abusive and evil - this person is abusive and sick - this has nothing to do with our ego, egotism or thinking patterns we have in our brain. They are evil become they choose to be evil.
If we take a step back and instead of self blame and self pathology as suggested in this video - better approach would be realization that all difficulties and evil stem from narcissistic abuse. There is some mentally ill person who was abused in the past - and they choose to be evil as a method to handle their trauma and abuse. So they are the problem - not our thinking process.
If we learn about narcissistic abuse -we will learn that the only functional method in fighting evil people is through group - when we vote for politicians who will ban mobbing in workplace - instead of narcissists Trump or Putin who are obsessed with drama and walls and imaginary enemies.
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"Just another put-down by so-called "normal" people. "
totally agree!
But I must say that ADHD information helped me to put into perspective my own behaviour when I was 12, 13. Up until ADHD information - I was ashamed for being active and processing things deeply, I thought I was childish and that there was something really wrong with me in a way that I am incompetent than in comparison with others. This belief created deep toxic shame inside me for so many years, especially in teen years.
I would face abusive people - and I would then self blame myself for not being "strong" and "courageous" - without knowing neurodivergency information - I would self flagellate myself for not being like Everybody else.
With neurodivergency information - this burden of toxic shame and guilt - which was in most part projected and transferred and imposed by toxic people - is now over.
It is like ADHD information created a shield where I can protect my self worth, my authenticity, being genuine - instead of panically trying to cover myself up and pretend to be conformist groupthink zombie like every one else.
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"my comment rejected."
Yep, my comments also vanish due to you tube algorithm- this happens on Mondays when I comment all social anxiety videos I watch during the day.
I guess it is as if a matrix is protecting itself from freedom and imposes groupthink herd mentality neurotypical wall in order to zombify the masses.
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YT "Avoidant Attachment: Signs You’re ‘Intellectually Bypassing’ Your Emotions (And How To Stop)
"
Numerous self help books based on CBT will instruct socially anxious to develop stoic Observer detachment - as a "cure" for social anxiety. Now I understand this "advice" to detach is defense mechanism called Intellectualization: being stoic - and it is unhealthy.
What I see as almost reasonable - is that if we are stuck in toxic ambient from which we cannot escape - that being stoic kinda makes sense to a point. But obviously this detachment intellectualization as defense mechanism is acceptable only as a temporary band aid fix - not lifestyle persona.
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YT "4 Steps Stop Negative Thinking Caused by Toxic Parenting"
Toxic shame internalized: means we don't have self compassion. Instead of processing pain - there is hypervigilance. Instead of being rational and sticking up to ourselves - we end up feeling guilty and blaming ourselves for anything wrong happening. There is victim mentality but this mentality is turned towards oneself as a scapegoat - as learned in ACoA. I think this is what makes a difference between codependency and ACoA - where codependency is different. Codependents will not have this amount of self-flagellation as toxically ashamed targets of emotional abuse.
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"I wasn't sure how this would relate to me "
A lot of socially anxious people - when they start to express themselves - a lot of people will find truth scary and uncomfortable - due to confirmation bias and cognitive dissonance. This will prompt them to "kill" the messenger by pathologizing the truth teller. They will quickly label the truth speaker as "arrogant" and similar labels of shaming.
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"In other words, touch grass."
Thanks to you tube commentator I learned what this idiom "Touch grass" means.
In real life - when socially anxious people expose - they will also expose social anxiety itself.
It is similar to Swiss LHC where they smash atom and see what is atom comprised of.
In the same manner - when we "smash" our social anxiety with real life - covert and hidden issues will come out:
- Rumination - post mortem thinking - where good and positive events will be rejected as fluke, and in the same time any rejection will be magnified
- Inner critic - will come out - it is brutal and relentless - and this is clue that social anxiety stems from trauma
- ReTraumatization: there will be now new fears and new hang ups and new panic which there never been before such as panic around angry people in some kind of authority. This is indication of ACoA issue.
- Toxic shame - there will be flood of feeling of contamination for anything regarded as mistake by ourselves or other critics. Toxic people will sniff out this pet peeve and they will pull our strings by yelling and screaming at us - and we will trauma bond with them- because we will believe we are abnormal for having panic - while hysterical people will appear as god strong figure to us which we must obey and fawn to
- Fawning - we will become people pleasers and pushovers - because we will label our anger and fear as abnormality and sickness as CBT explains to us - and without Jung's shadow we won't be able to process toxic people out - instead we will become their slaves. That is the goal of CBT, which is corrupt and filled with Trump narcissists monsters who exploit traumatized victims of abuse on auto-pilot.
- Dysregulation - there will be Amygdala Hijacking phenomena - which we will interpret thanks to CBT as personal flaw and error and abnormality - while in reality this is clue of trauma unprocessed and stifled inside us
---
"once I do it for a little while, almost all of my anxiety goes away"
Yep!
That is shyness!
Shyness goes away with Exposure. There is no trauma.
There is no Emotional Dysregulation.
There is no Toxic shame (feeling contaminated if someone is rude in any kind of way - over or covertly).
There is no Rumination, there is no inner critic which is brutal and unrelentless.
There is no post-mortem worry and analysis.
There are no triggers nor trauma due to exposure afterwards. There are no flashbacks.
There are no scanning for the next time - about what happened the last time.
There are no panic symptoms which socially anxious people feel before, during and after the event.
Exposure will work for shyness perfectly.
For socially anxious - it will lead to ReTraumatization and new triggers and new layers of anxiety -because the problem is trauma unprocessed, unhealed and toxic shame not exposed.
---
"social anxiety is just packet loss"
Perhaps.
Or.. maybe that is the point of life - that socially anxious learn their lessons in this life - so that the next stage will have back up knowledge from this life.
Social anxiety means inability to process emotions - those who grew up with silver spoon in their mouth and they have been luck to have normal parents and live in healthy ambient - will learn how to process emotions automatically.
In the other hand - those who were born into alcoholic abuse ambient were pruned off each time validation and acceptance sprung up - hence disabling the normal healthy emotional growth of psyche. The job for socially anxious is to learn how to create manual over-ride -
similar to the first Apollo landing when the space shuttle stopped working and Armstrong had to manually ride/land the damn thing.
The lesson of manual over-ride is extremely precious and it will be used as help to others, neurotypicals and neurodivergent when they suddenly get stuck in Black swan events of their own lives.
---
1 year later and I've learned that intrusive thoughts may as well be sign of neurodivergent brain - which is not sickness nor abnormality - so there is no need to stop anything - but to accept and validate it instead.
With Neurodivergency is closely connected Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - which Dr Dodson (who coined this concept name) says that it is by-product of neurodivergents being exposed to neurotypical society - that average person with ADHD will receive 20.000 negative messages by the age of 12 (correcting messages, warning and punishing ones) - so there is no wonder that intrusive thoughts occur in adulthood.
Another discover was ACoA information which clearly states that exposure to alcoholic abuse gives birth to brutal inner critic - and such trauma needs healing and exposing and processing.
---
(4.6.2023)
I noticed that feelings, emotions and impressions that are related to "disappointment" and perceived rejection as CBT and Dr Dodson tries to convince us to believe is RSD - is totally different from real rejection: trauma.
The drama which RSD sufferers feel is social anxiety (fear of criticism and negative evaluation) plus it is AcOA.
Laundry list for AcoA is RSD and social anxiety - and they all stem from exposure to alcoholic abuse and as AcoA describes it from para-alcoholic abuse (when someone is not drunk but behave as drinker).
---
"as I go out more with good, not-toxic, real friends who accept my neurodivergency and my mental health where it is, I'm learning to be myself "
Yes!
And when we are in real life- at toxic job which we must have unless becoming homeless - then we are with fake unfriendly rude critics who demand perfectionism - then we will become dysregulated due to exposure to hysteria drama and mobbing and bullying.
That is topic here: what can we do when we do not have friends and when we are forced to be in toxic ambient from which we cannot escape by "having good friends".
Good friends do not give us pay.
Also - depending on other people to feel happy is trauma bonding, it is codependency, Rejection Sensitivity, it is external referencing locus of control. We need to have intrinsic locus of control, self worth - so that we do not depend on other people to feel content.
We do not have self worth due to exposure to alcoholic abuse (ACoA) and para-alcoholic abuse (dysfunctional home) - and now we have destroyed self worth and we have toxic shame.
So toxic shame is as big problem as trauma.
---
"most conversations bore me and I rarely have the urge of sharing something about me"
1) you may be in toxic ambient such as living in a shame Culture country, you may be highly intelligent so you notice irritations easily and get easily bored with lower IQ
2) you may be Schizoid - which has similar symptoms to social anxiety - but schizoid do not like socializing. Socially anxious are scared of socializing.
They feel tense and rigid when around others due to alcoholic and a para-alcoholic exposure to abuse in childhood.
---
"y, I just learned how to mask and fawn better so as to be more accepted for my charm/kindness. Idk. ERP was kind of useless"
Yes"
You nailed it!
That is it!
Exposure will not help with social anxiety. IT will only make our social anxiety trauma Rejection Sensitivity toxic shame to be masked and Functional.
The trauma and toxic shame are not healed by Exposure - they only become either ReTraumatized or suppressed away.
What we need instead is Exposure of our Trauma - talking and expressing it in safe environment such as this comments - and exposure of toxic shame - which means accepting our bad parts we dislike about ourselves and not self censoring ourselves
---
Yep.
You said in your original comment:
"we have VERY high expectations of each other. "
This is indicative that you place other people opinion above your own.
This is called External Referencing Locus of control. And this leads to trauma bonding and codependency - due to internalized toxic shame, you believe your own opinion is irrelevant and instead you place orders and commands from conformism and groupthink above your own well being.
However you are not aware that you are not actually listening to all people - you are listening to people whom you deem perfect and strong and god-like. And their message is that you must be strong. As you said, in your own words:
"If you weren’t the athletic, outgoing type, (aka “popular”) then you were simply seen as an outcast"
So you see only those people who are critical of appearance and their definition of strength as "opinion of all people" - and that is your reality.
You totally miss and ignore millions of people who disagree with this statement.
This happens due to toxic shame and trauma and Alcoholic abuse. When we live in toxic ambient we quickly pick up toxic shaming belief that we must do something and perform something in order to be accepted. Anything less than this is wrong.
Of course, since life is far from perfect, we will daily meet failing those high standards which are impossible in real life to achieve - and you will end up with social anxiety.
This inability to reach the impossible standard of perfection is toxic shame.
When we try to be super strong imaginary narcissistic superhuman ideal fantasy magical being of superiority, grandiosity and strength - we will become sick, as Mr Mate Gabor said.
Solution is healing toxic shame and that we accept ourselves with all our shortcomings and errors and flaws and imperfections and that we take care of ourselves and that we believe in our common sense - rather than being a zombie who is following groupthink herd mentality of conformism.
---
"practice by saying hi to or smiling at one stranger during your day."
But this is instructing us to believe we are inept, abnormal and that there is something horrible inside us that we are some kind of freak of nature that must be tamed, civilized and groomed into perfection.
First of all, reality is that at the parties or any kind of groups - it is the most annoying person that is the most liked: person who do not follow any social norms, someone who is not politically correct, someone who doesn't care what other people think about them, someone who gossips and who farts and who makes fun of others - they all pass the scrutiny. On the other hand - someone who appears stuck up and fake and someone who tries too hard is immediately excluded and avoided.
Second - the idea that we must suppress parts of ourselves, deny them and destroy them in order to become persona who is idealized - is doomed to failure. This idea to fake pretend something we are not is narcissism: its central idea is that our true self must be stifled down, and in the same time we must build a fake version of ourselves which is out of mistakes, without any weirdness, without authenticity, without particularities, without perks and quirks - and instead we suppose to chisel some kind of super uber man statue of person who is always funny , always in good mood, always has something interesting to say - guess what? That person does not exist. It lives only in movies and shows and in psychopaths' mind with their glib charm being primary trait of their sick personality.
The more we try to act and be something we are not - the worse anxiety.
If we are not serial killers, if we do not have hidden agenda to harm others and cause them pain - there is really nothing to change, fix, modulate or fake pretend inside us.
IF we believe there is - that is a sign of toxic shame and trauma - and these need to be exposed to light - not our fake rigid invented masked persona.
---
(5.6.2023)
Interesting points.
I would like to make a more deeper investigation in some of those ideas:
1)
" if we just indulge in "being ourselves" all the time, we eventually hurt some people around us "
That is central point.
Who will we become when we are authentic?
Will we become annoying and irritating to others?
Who is the person who makes this labels and self appointed judge?
Should we organize our life around such critic and fix ourselves in accordance to such person? If we do - this person will become our god, we will do everything to please such critic. Soon enough we will become a slave for this person and they will train us like circus animal. We will shut up and become immobile and passive since we value opinion of such critic so much that we align our actions to their criticism - which is random and sporadic and erratic - as any person is when they judge.
This urge to follow other people's label and then adjust our behavior on other people's opinion is called External referencing locus of control. That is unhealthy. This is also called codependency and trauma bonding. We learned this in dysfunctional ambient when we were growing up.
We will set ourselves up to be passive and toxic people sniff us easily - they simply need to mock, yell, scream and we will come running to them like a puppy.
The opposite is Intrinsic locus of control - and that is when we base our actions, words and opinions based on our core being - our SuperEgo: a collection of all accumulated knowledge, all the sources of wisdom we accumulated through out our life experiences. Sort of a having inside our head a Haague international tribunal - instead of Ruanda local gang war time law.
As you said in your comment - we might hurt other people when we indulge in being ourselves. But this needs investigation - who gets hurt?
Drama queens?
Fake people?
Narcissists who feel narc injury when truth is exposed?
Do we really need to care about their opinion?
And also - if we hurt someone - this needs scientific investigation, objective perspective.
Who defines hurt? What is hurt?
If we say and declare we are against racism - and there are racists at the meeting who feel hurt by our declaration - do we really need to become racist so that we never rock the boat?
The urge not to rock the boat and to please everyone is called Fawning - it is trauma response. This is people pleasing and being pushover. This is not healthy, this is not spiritual, this has nothing to do with healthy empathy. This is toxic empathy, idea that we must please everyone and never "hurt" anyone because we are "good".
That is why there is a saying "Good intentions are highway to hell".
We need to prune toxic people off - and we do that by being ourselves.
We will discover that when we have accumulated enough wisdom - that we will never hurt other people. Some toxic people will falsely accuse us of hurting them - but they do this for manipulation and control - to make us shut up.
When we self censor - we end up with social anxiety that we struggle with now.
If we are not serial killers, if we are not having hidden agenda to harm and cause pain to other people- we really do not hurt anyone. It is toxic people and dysfunctional society that hypnotized us into believing we are bad person for speaking our opinion and sharing our truth.
When we shut up - toxic people will speak instead of us - and they will set the bar about what is acceptable and what is "in".
"narcissist who is ok with being imperfect, who is spiritual yet manipulative in real life"
What is definition of imperfect?
For narcissists - their definition of perfection is different from normal and healthy people.
Narcissists live in delusional world - they have mild schizophrenia - so their definitions of perfection are different from ours.
For them - being perfect and ideal state is a snapshot of reality, as Sam Vaknin calls it.
IT is not true reality - and they try to attain that perfection. This perfection lives inside their head and we cannot see it. That is why when we talk truth and when we are honest - they will claim we hurt them - because their snapshot of reality is hurt by our truth telling and being objective.
"if you go with a ghost, you wear white sheet, when you go with Saint, you wear a cassock"
In trauma this is called Fawning, people pleasing and being pushover.
We become passive and we become codependent - we see ourselves as victim and never actually speak up, we never say no, we never take initiative and propose new solutions. We become like motor-less boat in ocean - pushed around as waves come.
---
YT "Stop Letting Social Anxiety Control You"
Overthinking - it is ADHD. This is not sickness nor abnormality.
It is also high IQ and Highly sensitive. If we see this as something to fix, we will develop toxic shame and personality disorder - because we will try to get rid parts of our Self. We will end up stifling down Jung shadow.
That suppression of emotions and feelings lead to mental illness.
If anxiety was problem of perception - we would feel more than social anxiety. We would have problems and issues which are more paranoid. Social anxiety on the other hand is having triggers - which is indication of narcissistic abuse exposure and trauma and dysfunctional ambient in childhood. Therefore - social anxiety is unhealed and unprocessed trauma issue.
When we force ourselves to change our masked neurodivergent traits (ADHD and Autism) - social anxiety will become masked and functional itself. Trauma is still there however.
Another problem is that when we correct our flawed parts like looking at the phone - we are suppressing Jung Shadow, we reject parts of ourselves - and this leads to narcissism - because we try to build fake persona of superiority, fake persona which has no flaws. Such person in real life does not exist. It cannot exist - because our brain is not computer - it is filled with half information which we never can attain from external world. We never can read other people's minds - so we will always produce potentially wrong conclusions about our external reality. Errors are part of life.
When we choose to suppress errors - we will become perfectionists and we will demand perfection from others. This suppression will not make us less socially anxious. In reality - we will become even more anxious. We will try to suppress - and what we suppres - resists. We will develop OCD, PureOCD - where we try to be obsessive and have compulsive drive to be perfect and without mistakes and without flaws - and the only way to attain this is to worry and to monitor our thoughts and actions. This will lead to hypervigilance - and now we are officially anxious all the time.
By us trying to be perfect and without toxic habits - we put ourselves into Survival mode.
The ironic part is - that when we look at other people - we will see that people who are most socially un-anxious, who are party animals, the most popular people at any meeting or party - is the person who has plethora of toxic habits. They gossip, they are rude, they don't care how other people feel, they fart, they are obnoxious and irritating - and most people love them as they are with all their mistakes, flaws and not following social rules.
The paradox is - when we accept our bad habits like staring at the phone - paradox is when we get educated about Jung shadow - we will let go of toxic habits and we will stop staring at the phone and focus on other people instead. We simply need to bring into awareness what is happening, what is anxiety - and we need self acceptance and self validation. Then we will change and make better habits which are no longer toxic.
--
"Anxiety controls way more than my social life"
Anxiety is a mere symptoms.
The root cause is trauma and exposure to dysfunction in early age when our psyche was forming and suppose to get validation and acceptance - it got tyranny of criticism instead.
---
Toxic shame is covert inner critic which tells us labels and stigma that appears real to us.
Toxic people collaborate with this inner parasite in our head and then we believe whatever they label as absolute truth.
Toxic shame needs inspection and sanitization.
Toxic people need to be cut off - if physical exit is impossible - they need to get limited access to our Selves.
---
This leads to fawning and trauma and more anxiety - when we are confronted with pathological liar and coercive control.
The other person will make false accusations which cannot be disapproved - and then we will self blame ourselves as the only thing we can investigate.
Example from real life:
when our partner starts to poop in our bed and make accusations we are rapist - we will feel anxiety as after-effect. So if we start to suppress anxiety and panic - we will also suppress natural and normal responses to toxic people - such as cutting contact with them.
So your CBT advice to change our thinking - will lead us to codependency and being stuck inside Drama which toxic people create.
Abusive people abuse others because they are evil - not because there is some distortion inside our head.
And nope - we won't change abuse nor abuser by changing our thoughts.
All emotions are valid - even those which are uncomfortable and difficult and scary. If we push down emotions which we label as bad - we will stifle down parts of our personality too - and this leads to personality disorder.
So your advice is advice to develop mental illness.
CBT leads to Masking our trauma and making abuse functional - and this will end as tragedy - since we won't have all information we need to make healthy and sane decisions in our lives.
We cannot fix problems by being happy and smiley all the time. Some decisions require us to be realistic and to gather all available information from external reality - and this includes anxiety and panic and fears.
---
" taking the medicines recommend "
Pharma mafia is making huge money profit on people's unresolves traumas and living in toxic ambient and dysfunction.
Instead of targeting narcissists who are causing anxiety and panic - medical community is farming after-effects of our exposure to toxic people.
---
"So the best way to get over my fear of fire is to set myself on fire. "
Yes- we will only go on auto pilot and make our anxiety Masked and Functional to certan point.
Toxic shame and unprocessed trauma will make any Exposure as Re-traumatization.
We will end up Fawning -
or some will enter into Fight response - being a Karen.
---
"No that’s outside my comfort zone. My comfort zone is known as my bed with a nearly attached mini fridge and tv."
What happens when we can't pay the rent due to our fears and panic - and we are forced to be homeless? Hence - no bed and no mini fridge and no TV?
---
Socially anxious people carry trauma and toxic shame inside of them.
This is not the same as Shyness you had - so Exposure will not work with socially anxious, it is not so straight forward as it was for you.
By telling socially anxious to expose - you are misleading them into wrong direction. You will push them to become people pleasers and to have triggers and create new triggers, flashbacks and trauma.
You are making more damage than good with your good intentions.
Good intentions are pathway to hell.
---
Perhaps your urge to help others stem from unresolved trauma of your own which you deny to look - so you are diverting your attention into "helping" others, so this way you won't have to deal with trauma of your own?
---
YT "Suffering from Social Anxiety? | Life Lessons by Ankit Goyal"
Social anxiety is ADHD neurodivergent brain - nothing to fix there.
Social anxiety is after-math of exposure to trauma and dysfunction - we cannot fix it since problem is not us.
Social anxiety is toxic shame internalized inside us - which is impossible to tackle since toxic shame is hallucination - it is programmed set of fake beliefs which toxic people planted inside our mind and now we are brainwashed to have inner critic tyranny of shoulds inside our head.
Any video or book or "advice" which does not tell these things are doing damage - since it collaborates with our inner critic of toxic shame inside our head : which tells us that we are inept to handle life and that we must shut up and never express our opinion unless we are most perfect person (narcissistic ideal image of perfection).
Acceptance and validation of self is the only way - we never learned that in alcoholic abuse dysfunction that started this problem in the first place (ACoA).
---
YT "Have a problem making eye contact bc of anxiety? #anxiety #comedy #anxietyissues #socialanxiety"
Psychologically speaking -
when we resist something - it will persist.
If we deny and suppress our autism spectrum traits such as not looking in people's eyes due to exposure to Alcoholic abuse while growing up (fear of criticism and authority) - will lead us to suppress and deny and ignore parts of our persona -
and this is not healthy.
When we start to be ashamed of our bad habits and flaws and imperfections - we will develop toxic shame.
Toxic shame will become our Achilles foot - and next we will have triggers and pet peeves.
Other people will easily trigger us into worry and urge to correct ourselves all the time.
This will lead to hypervigilance and more anxiety - instead of being focused on our tasks goals needs - we will waste out mental energy on correcting our flaws and mistakes and imperfections.
Urge to be perfect leads to perfectionism and narcissism - and now we will have mental illness issues such as OCD.
We can easily avoid all these by accepting ourselves as we are and work on validation and self love - and then allow ourselves to experiment when we are ready to do so.
---
YT "The Cure For Social Anxiety"
This will not work in situations which caused social anxiety in the first place: mobbing, bullying, narcissistic abuse.
Socially anxious people have toxic shame - this is motor that keeps fears and inner critic motorized.
Toxic shame is deep core belief we are inept, unworthy, weird and unacceptable - so toxic shame needs inspection and sanitization.
---
Social anxiety is issue of toxic shame - which started with exposure to narcissistic and alcoholic abuse while growing up (ACoA).
This means - with toxic shame we deeply believe that there is something abnormal inside us - and that we must find and fix this - by performing rituals and changing ourselves in order to fit into toxic society.
So any ritual - such as Fawning and people pleasing - will add to this toxic shame.
Toxic shame is healed when we accept ourselves as we are, with flaws and imperfections - and only then when we validate our traumas and anxiety and panic - we will actually become more relaxed - since toxic shame will not plague us with tyranny of shoulds and perfectionism and obeying other people. Instead we will be ourselves as we are - with errors and particularities and perks and quirks.
---
Any ritual as response to anxiety leads to OCD, mental illness.
We will try to fix natural emotions with our regulations and suppressing and denying and stifling it down, being afraid of showing it up - due to toxic shame - we will be ashamed of our imperfections and flaws and errors which to us seems like other people do not have it.
---
YT "Hamza on social anxiety explained by athletes"
He is confusing shyness with social anxiety.
What he describes as abnormal is called Egocentrism - and this is not endemic to social anxiety.
Social anxious are victims of narcissistic abuse - and they are in fact zoomed onto other people - due to exposure to abuse. They look at other people's expressions of face, tone of voice at the detail - and seek for any sign of rejection and abuse that might strike at any moment - as it was in dysfunctional childhood filled with Alcoholic abuse and relentless criticism.
---
YT "Is social anxiety RUINING your LIFE?!"
Video does not mention that social anxiety is fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
For example - Schizoids and introverts dislike social settings - this dislike is not mental condition.
Video does not mention Fawning. There are 4F responses to trauma, not only 2 which were mentioned here.
By not telling Fawning - video misleads us to believe that our anxiety is hallucination. While in reality it is toxic people who are problem.
Exposure therapy will make anxiety Masked and Functional. IT will not heal toxic shame which was also not mentioned in the video at all. Toxic shame is motor of social anxiety - and it is after-effect of exposure to Alcoholic abuse while growing up, narcissistic abuse - which is also not mentioned in this video at all.
Without all information - this is being stuck in egocentrism and confirmation bias and availability heurostics.
Without all information we will make poor decisions - based on poverty in information.
Positive self talk can lead to delusions and not processing emotions and difficult people. We might end up with antagonistic person - and self talk ourselves into codependency with such person.
Challenging negative thoughts will make them worse - this is called Ironic process theory.
Groups for social anxiety are plagued with borderliners and narcissists who mask their abnormality by pretending to be victim. Exposure to toxic people will lead to more fears and more toxic shame.
Please to more research,
your video describes CBT point of view - which is faulty, ableist and misleading.
---
YT "How to overcome social anxiety"
"Challenge your negative thoughts"
leads to Ironic process theory and this creates more anxiety.
"practice mindfulness"
leads to Self Absorption Paradox - and this leads to more anxiety and panic.
"Face your fears"
Leads to re-traumatization and new anxieties and new triggers. Because problem is unprocessed trauma and toxic shame - not fears. Fears are symptoms - they are not the cause.
"Seek professional help"
Most "prof" help is based on CBT - which is ableist and misleading and based on pharma mafia making money profit on neurosis.
Literally all your tips lead to anxiety and mental illness.
---
YT "overcome social anxiety...Tamil... #share #trending #viral #whoami #socialanxiety #tamil"
Social anxiety - is motorized by toxic shame due to trauma and exposure to alcoholic and narcissistic abuse.
So any ritual to "combat" anxiety adds up to toxic shame (deep core belief we are inept and weird and unacceptable and errored)
---
YT "Social Anxiety Disorder/Psychosis By Anjali Nalla"
Video does not mention symptom of social anxiety - that there is post mortem rumination after the event.
If the event was successful (without problems) - the event will be dismisses as fluke and sheer luck.
Schizophrenia is pronounced as Sk-ee-tz-o-frenia.
The difference is observable in videos with people who suffer from Schizophrenia : they talk differently, their preoccupations are more in general worry, they lack focus and they usually do not pay attention to their appearance - while socially anxious will worry a lot how they appear to others due to toxic shame and exposure to alcoholic and narcissistic abuse while growing up.
---
YT "Overcome Social Anxiety Using Manifestation #manifestationcoach #empowerment #lawofassumption"
Yep.
Social anxiety is based on toxic shame - deep core belief we must never error and that we are mistake as person, hence unacceptable and freak of nature who must hide all errors and self which is errored to the core. This toxic shame happens due to exposure to narcissistic and alcoholic abuse while growing up.
---
YT "How to know the signs of social anxiety | Psychiatrist Dr Karl O'Sullivan explains"
"In spite of nothing happening on the outside"
Narcissistic abuse can be covert, coercive control, too.
Mr O'Sullivan does not mention toxic shame not alcoholic abuse and narcissistic abuse exposure while growing up.
He is describing CBT's ableist descriptions - which are pruned off from narcissistic abuse and Complex Trauma information - and instead the total blame is placed and scapegoated on victim and target of abuse.
This is how psychiatry can be damaging to our mental health - as Glasser wrote in his book of the same name.
He says that social anxiety is disability. This is half information based on CBT black and white thinking cognitive distortion.
In reality - social anxiety can be Masked and Functional. But this does not mean that toxic shame and trauma are gone - they are simply stifled down and they direct our life from our un-awareness, we end up being on auto-pilot when social anxiety is Functional - and we will end up with horrible life decisions such as staying in toxic contact and toxic jobs or toxic ambient of any kind.
He talks about family depression, OCD, anxiety, temperament - but he does not mention alcoholic abuse at all (ACoA).
This way he is obfuscating the cause of social anxiety and instead - he is placing all the blame on victims of abuse. This is the reason why American invention CBT must be banned - it is enabling abuse to continue by not persecuting the predators and psychopaths who cause anxiety in others.
He mentions neglect and abuse at the end of video as if he describes a funny twitch that does not need our attention.
---
YT "Maladaptive Daydreaming and Social Anxiety #maladaptivedaydreaming #socialanxiety"
Maladaptive daydreaming is a sign of:
- defense mechanisms - which is a clear sign that social anxiety is reaction to alcoholic and narcissistic abuse.
- is a sign of neurodivergency which CBT due to ableism does not recognize. It is more profitable to milk money on invented disorders and pharma mafia- from traumatized individuals than to put narcissists into jail and mental institutions.
---
YT "A little Trick to Destroy Social Anxiety"
Social anxiety is toxic shame - deep core belief we are error as person and we cannot be flawed and our mistakes must not be observed by others.
Sign of flaw would be feeling fears and panic in social settings (due to exposure to alcoholic and narcissistic abuse while growing up).
This means - any ritual to break social anxiety stems from toxic shame and it is toxic shame itself.
Urge to hide our flaws is toxic shame. Rituals to cover up this errors will lead to more of anxiety. Rituals to anxiety lead to OCD.
When we feel social anxiety -we are picking up negative narcissistic abusive vibes from the other person - which they cover up due to their own toxic shame and logic that other people will avoid them if they are truly evil in public.
So if we deny our intuition that the other person is covert narcissists and when we over-compensate by conversation with such person - we will end up codependent and stuck inside their drama.
Covert narcissists use coercive control and manipulation - and we need to see red flags -
not covering up our fears and panic reactions to toxic people.
Your advice leads to distrust our feelings and that we become people pleaser and to fawn to other people automatically - without investigating if the other person is cover abuser.
When we learn and educate ourselves about red flags - we won't stifle down our trauma and toxic shame by fawning and being people pleaser and being pushover.
Instead of making other people into god and fawning to them - I would rather focus on our needs, wants and goals and common sense - and listen to our intuition and experience from life - who appear friendly and non-abusive.
---
With toxic shame this is not so easy. In fact - there is no cure for Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria,
and we must acknowledge this fact for our own grasp with reality.
Toxic shame is deep core programming and conditioning to feel like error and to take blame for anything wrong.
Even though there is no cure for deep core wound to abuse -
There are workarounds - and your technique example is one of it.
---
YT "How to overcome social anxiety"
Yes- you got it.
Heal the trauma. IT is conditioning.
I would also add toxic shame - as Devil on the shoulder - which also needs our inspection and sanatization.
Deep core belief we are error and that we must never show any kind of mistake -
that is toxic shame
So toxic shame could be our urge to overcome social anxiety paradoxically.
The healing toxic shame would be to accept ourselves as we are - and build on that, after the tyranny of shoulds is gone.
--
YT "#socialanxiety #life Skills to Overcome Social Anxiety Post-Pandemic | Signs of Social Anxiety"
Yes, toxic shame is deep core belief we must be perfect and we must hide our "flaws" - and this is at the core of social anxiety.
Accepting ourselves as we are will lessen social anxiety - accepting our flaws, errors, things we dislike about ourselves.
---
"We're biologically wired to be uncomfortable around unfamiliar situations"
True.
So we must actually define what is social anxiety and what is problem.
Social anxiety is having moral and ethical standards - such as not making fool out of ourselves. This comes handy when we look for romantic interest or a new job - it is in our interest that we do not appear smelly and weird and abnormal, that we can talk and make contact with potential mate or employer.
Who would want someone who is antagonist, who smells bad, low hygiene -
so we are given set of rules how "normal" person ought to behave in social settings. And we will feel some amount of shyness and trepidation when we look for romance or job or some need or want.
That part is not problem.
The problem with social anxiety therefore lies in toxic shame (deep core belief we are inept and abnormal and hence we cannot adjust to life because of contamination around angry people) and trauma - which are triggers when in the presence of angry people. That is social anxiety problem.
The medical description of social anxiety as psychological problem is: fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
Now - the question is what happens with other people who successfully mask their fears and normal levels of shyness?
The difference is in trauma and toxic shame.
Trauma is being exposed to alcoholic abuse and narcissistic abuse in childhood - which now springs up as triggers and panic when we meet angry people (fear of criticism) and it is issue of toxic shame - which we acquired over long term exposure to emotional abuse and invalidation.
So we are basically dealing here with trauma and toxic shame - these things need our attention, focus and healing and sanitization -
so that we do not get triggered by toxic angry and antagonistic people anymore.
--
For some unknown reasons, my comments are no longer automatically deleted by YT algorithm - so I will leave another comment about social anxiety here.
Social anxiety is toxic shame and trauma.
Toxic shame is when we feel contaminated when around rude and antagonistic people. This feeling of contamination is strong and it cannot be shaken off - it is deep sense of shame for being who we are - and we will do anything to hide and isolate or keep quiet if we cannot escape.
Toxic shame happened as result of being exposed to alcoholic abuse when we were children.
Alcoholic abuse can even be para-alcoholic: for example authority figure who does not drink but acts like drunk: for example someone with OCD who demands imperfections in their targets. Like a cruel teacher.
Now with this trauma - if we are not aware that it is causing our panic and triggers and dysregulation - when we Expose: we will get re-trauamtized.
This means: we will resort to learned defense mechanisms - that we were programmed in dysfunctional childhood:
for socially anxious this means fawning and taking on the blame, being quiet and self-censoring ourselves. So exposure will be painful and nope - we won't learn nothing better nor new.
What's worse - toxic people will notice that we fawn and narcissists sniff out us easily - we will become target for narcissists to abuse.
Narcissists are toxic people who also carry toxic shame inside them - but they have decided to attack and exploit other people as a way to handle hidden toxic shame. They have no idea that they carry toxic shame -
they simply refuse to talk about trauma - like author of this video - and they will be focused on perfectionism - because narcissists refuse to live reality. They have snapshot of reality and they force anyone around them to fawn to their version of reality -
and we are perfect energy resource nourishment for them - because we stay quiet, we stay to "expose" to fears - and toxic people will exploit our need to heal and form healthy bonds.
That is why it is important to work on our trauma and toxic shame.
Once we accept ourselves - we won't have toxic shame anymore - and we will say no to toxic people and leave toxic ambient and stop toxic habits. Then we will be able to expose without trauma: chase our dreams, wants and needs in healthy fashion.
---
YT "Struggling with social anxiety? Ask yourself: where do I stand on the socio-economic hierarchy."
You make great point about socio-economic factor being influence in social anxiety -
however you mix it up with social shame.
Glib charm is sign of psychopathy. Faking confidence - people notice this very easily. Idea that we create fake image of superiority - is called narcissism and it is extremely toxic - because with time we will become antagonistic - since we won't be able to tolerate different opinions which expose our core self.
You end up video with toxic shame: and that is social anxiety:
that we must become some superior being - and that when we achieve this fantastic magical ideal - we believe that somehow magically all the problems in the world will vanish. They won't.
We will still encounter problems and evil even when we are in good shape and even when we have money.
Idea that we chase imaginary ideal of perfection is doomed to hamster wheel of over-compensation: we will spend money, focus and time on chasing narcissistic fantasy of grandeur - imaginary persona without flaws.
That is all toxic shame -
deep core belief we are inept, unaccepted and without value, worthless because of our flaws, mistakes, errors and bad parts of ourselves.
Cure for toxic shame is to accept ourselves and validate ourselves and take care of ourselves - not because we have hidden agenda to rule the world and to impress people - but because we care and love our self in healthy way, as a caretaker or parent to ourselves which we never had in dysfunctional childhood - which started toxic shame in the first place.
Toxic shame is motor that keeps social anxiety and trauma ongoing.
---
Most "professionals" have CBT knowledge and that makes them dangerous since they will misdiagnose trauma as personality disorders - and hence create psychological damage.
Being exposed to abuse is not abnormality - there is nothing to cure nor fix -
only to accept and validate and love and take care of - which we never learned in alcoholic abuse childhood.
---
"Yes Getting Triggered Is Needed For Growth!!!"
Nope. You got it all wrong.
It is healing the triggers and trauma - so that we no longer get triggered and that we can regulate our dysregulation when we are triggered.
Becoming triggered is nothing new - we all have this with social anxiety.
---
YT "How To Overcome Social Anxiety #shorts"
Talking to people will lead to fawning and becoming people pleaser.
This happens because social anxiety is issue of toxic shame and trauma - we will simply carry on with the same defense mechanisms which we were conditioned and programmed in alcoholic abuse childhood filled with narcissistic abuse.
--
Yes.
We are talking here about high IQ, high emotional IQ, being highly sensitive -
we won't tag along with people who's main talking interest are topics such as feces and genitalia.
---
YT "Fix your social anxiety in 58 seconds"
Great tips.. however that is shyness, not social anxiety.
Socially anxious people are afraid of criticism and negative evaluation - so mere talking will not resolve these fears - which are conditioned and learned in alcoholic dysfunctional home while growing up.
Problem is toxic shame - deep core belief of being inept, wrong and unacceptable - which cannot be cured with talking.
Trauma also cannot be cured with talking - trauma and toxic shame are healed with total acceptation of our errors, flaws - including paradoxically not being able to talk.
---
"Starting to make social life a priority"
This will lead to people pleasing and codependency.
---
"It lets you face it, and the more you do that, the closer you’ll get to fixing it :)"
Nope. Unfortunately it does not work like that in real life.
What happens is that trauma issue becomes Masked and Functional.
Similar to Michael Jackson who had severe social anxiety but it was Functional for him - he performed in front of billions of people without problem - yet his life ended in tragedy due to unresolved trauma and endless surgeries which he tried to get rid of trauma and abuse which are at the root of all social anxiety issues.
In real life - what happens is that socially anxious people will resort to learned defense mechanisms such as fawning and people pleasing and being slave to "strong" people, without initiative, being passive and without instigating anything.
---
Problem is not in the will.
Trauma makes the fear appear as if we are afraid - but this fear is actually trauma - and it is different from our fears that we normally have.
Fear and trauma are not the same.
We face fears and phobias with exposure - and it will help to remove fears.
However trauma is different - exposing will make it worse - it will lead to re-traumatization, and real issue will become stifled down, ignored and masked, it will become functional.
This can be dangerous - since now it will guide us from our unconsciousness.
We will resort to unprotected coitus, we will develop addictions, we might become Karen, or take on other toxic habit as a way to handle the trauma which is now suppressed.
Suppressing emotions lead to mental illness.
---
Exposure will lead to re-traumatization and real issue being covered up. Then the toxic shame and trauma will be our master - and we won't even be aware that we are guided by it.
---
YT "How to Overcome Social Anxiety"
Curiosity will help at parties and meetings to some extent.
It will not help with social anxiety: toxic shame, trauma and exposure to narcissistic abuse.
Curiosity will lead to rigid mindset: to be open to all people - which toxic people will sniff out easily - and due to belief that social anxiety is abnormal and something to "conquer" he will never read red flags how to discover parasites: antagonistic borderliners and narcissists. So this curiosity miracle cure will lead to fawning and people pleasing and being pushover.
Socially anxious people are already focused on other people - and they look for cues where is the danger and next narcissistic abusing coming - they zoom into other people's face expressions and tone of voice and judge accordingly to isolate and exit when there is drama and rejection.
---
YT "This Helps to Overcome Social Anxiety INSTANTLY"
Social anxiety is not connected with contact - otherwise introversion would be problem, too.
Social anxiety is trauma and toxic shame issue.
Instead of accepting emotions - there is processing emotions that is needed. We need to process trauma - our triggers-
mere accepting will not help with this processing.
Processing means regulation and knowing how to handle difficult people who cause social anxiety in the first place.
Listening to other person will not help with social anxiety - it will only lead to people pleasing and fawning to others and making other people into gods whom we must listen and serve and obey without saying no to them.
Exposure will lead to re-traumatization.
Agoraphobia is not the same as social anxiety and it occurs with it - and agoraphobia is healed by exposure. Social anxiety is not. That is why social anxiety is renamed from social phobia into social anxiety in mid 1990s.
Toxic shame is all the parts of ourselves which we are ashamed of. You described it in the video:
"scared of a lot of people, sat at home, paralyzed with Netfix and junk food" - "that's not the life you want" - that is all toxic shame. You are not processing emotions which lead to being scared and staying at home and watching TV -
there is a message why we resort to these defense mechanisms - and we need to process it, not merely accept it or stifle it down.
There are toxic people out there - narcissists who are very much busy at the target - due to narcissistic supply - they see other people as the source of admiration and validation - so they will spend a lot of time being focused on other people - and it will be us, socially anxious empaths who are insecure about accepting our core self.
When you reject parts of your self which are scared and immobile - you are self abusing yourself. And that will attract toxic people who will join into rape of our Self.
Learning a lot about narcissistic abuse will help us to recognize red flags.
Toxic shame need our attention - and we need to process emotions.
NEurodivergent brains will be prone to think a lot - this is not sickness , nor abnormality. Without this ability - humans would never discover any new idea - because everyone would be stuck at the conformism and groupthink herd mentality without making any changes to make progress.
---
"anxiety is when it becomes crippling and pervasive. Otherwise, you're just shy"
I agree.
Inability to process anxiety is social anxiety.
This inability to process anxiety stems from trauma - being raised in alcoholic abuse dysfunction - and this needs to be cleared and explained.
Also inability to process emotions stems from neurodivergent brain - where we are easily focused on things outside of our control - mixed with alcoholic home - we will tend to fix other people's problems instead of being focused on our well being.
Our task is not only to wallow in anxiety - we need to process it, find the reason what triggers our anxiety and learn how to regulate emotions in healthy manner.
---
And we need to understand what has happened.
Even Pavlov who actually discovered how conditioning over long period of time leads to issues with anxiety - has said:
"Don't become a mere recorder of facts, but try to penetrate the mystery of their origin."
Ivan Pavlov
With trauma and toxic shame - we never learned how to regulate our emotions nor how to process emotions. Instead -we learned to stifle emotions down, to pretend we are strong and to be perfectionist and to cure other people's mood swings.
Now we are stuck with codependency and social anxiety due to this exposure to alcoholic abuse while growing up.
---
This is amazing, however the point to therapy is that we become our own therapist, that we learn how to seek solution to difficult people and difficult situations in life - that we rely on our brain, instead of believing that other people are better than us (inferiority complex).
---
Urge to clean ourselves stem from toxic shame and trauma.
It is a constant feeling that we are contaminated by bad people and bad events - and that we must focus on cleaning ourselves from imaginary shame and guilt that spring up due to exposure to alcoholic abuse while growing up.
---
Overthinking is not something that goes away.
If we have high IQ, it is totally normal to over-think. IT would be a crime that we dumb ourselves down just for the sake of groupthink herd mentality and neurotypical explanations about what is suppose to be "normal" Thinking.
---
It is a really bad idea to diagnose ourselves.
Better idea is to get education about psychology.
When we have wrong impressions about defining emotions - we won't know what we feel - and we might start putting labels randomly - and then end up with wrong "diagnosis" and stigma and drama and fixes which actually do not apply to us at all.
---
If we do not learn in therapy how to trust our own brain and be our own guide - it was not a good therapy to begin with.
---
This is great, but I am not sure you solved anything. If you feel like you do not have "courage" it is a sign of toxic shame - and mere confronting fears won't help with this issue.
---
" I forget everything I just learned"
Yes" You got it!
This happens due to emotional dysregulation and amygdala hijacking - our cortex brain goes offline - and we lose access to memory of all advice we heard.
There is also Ebbinghaus Forgetting Curve - we will forget with time anything foreign to us.
It is foreign to us due to trauma and toxic shame.
So it is useless to expose and to listen to advice what we should be doing - since this is not who we are.
We need education about toxic shame and trauma - we need to accept ourselves as we are - with panic and fears and anxiety - instead of coveting it up with challenges and facing fears.
When we accept ourselves - amygdala hijacking won't happen because there will be no triggers anymore - and we will rely on our brain and personality to resolve solve issues and to make initiations on our own ideas our brain likes and want and needs.
---
Well - look at it logically. People in 3rd world countries have challenges all the time. They live in discomfort since they were babies.
Yet - they are not organized, They do not have peace. They are not happy. And they do not make progress.
Instead - they wallow in corruption , crime, drugs, violence and wars.
So comfort zone is a myth and a scam.
---
But that is the central problem:
that we end up thinking that we are abnormal and inept (toxic shame) and hence we need advice from other people (external locus of control).
This way we are ordered and controlled and manipulated and we are taught to coercive control - we will expect this is standard way of thinking - and we will end up with codependency issues.
Piaget said the best way to learn is to give a child tools - and when we tell the child what to do - we take away child's ability to use their own intelligence.
Who says that we might not have better ideas than other people are talking about?
---
"Making it functional helps to alleviate the parts that are damaging"
Nope.
When anxiety is functional: we will retain negative experiences. They will be buried and stifled down and they will govern our decisions while we are on auto-pilot.
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety - but it was functional for him: he performed in front of billions of people - and in the end trauma unprocessed with tragedy. His trauma unprocessed urged him to take endless surgeries and self sabotage himself.
---
We need to be careful with diagnosis and labels - it carries self fulfilling prophecies.
Instead of following our intuition and common sense - we might end up aligning ourselves with someone else's definitions and rules which really do not apply to us or given situation.
---
I agree with what you wrote. However we always must see things from multiple angles and different perspectives in order to avoid egocentrism.
Without further ado
"A certified therapist"
We need to take into account this information too:
"The authority bias is our tendency to be more influenced by the opinion of an authority figure, unrelated to its actual content. Like all cognitive biases, the authority bias is a shortcut our brains use to save time and energy making decisions. Of course, placing trust in credible experts is a reasonable thing to do."
"I got positive results from it"
Positive does not always means healthy.
Drinking and taking drugs can be a definition for an addict as something positive.
also Gabor Mate said:
You're not there to make someone feel better, but to make them better at feeling.
Gabor Maté
Also I like this quote too:
Positive thinking is really just another form of denial.
Colin Tipping
" that doesn't mean what I shared is somehow useless and ultimately damaging"
Then why are you wasting your free time watching social anxiety videos?
IF you were "cured" - you would spend your time in the open, licking ice-cream in the sun, going out looking for an adventure, making new friends or making contact with old ones - you would certainly not waste any more time in isolation looking for answers anymore?
---
(6.6.2022)
"i wasn't exposed to narcissistic or alcholoic abuse whilst growing up"
That is indication that either you block and suppress trauma, that you have no idea what trauma is by definition and description..
or that you do not have social anxiety.
You simply mis-label your emotions due to hypo-cognition - lack of education in psychology.
OR you have some disorder such as narcissism where you live in your imagination and you interpret the world through the prism of fantasy - without being aware that you mis-interpret your reality all the time.
How do I know this?
Because social anxiety by definition is fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
People with this specific fears - this did not come with genetics. Introversion is genetic. But on the other hand, having fears of rejection is learned behaviour, conditioned through specific kind of emotional abuse from untreated mentally ill people around us.
This kind of specific fear - fear of rejection and criticism - everyone feels at certain level -
however with social anxiety there is also an element of toxic shame (deep core belief we are inept, inferior, wrong) - and this self loathing is produced in alcoholic/narcissistic abuse environment only.
People are not born with this self loathing.
All socially anxious people will report that they lived their life normally until the age of 12 (until teen years - some girl reported the age of 19 when she went to college) - that social isolation and worry starts. They were not socially anxious before - so there is some bully triggering event which activates social anxiety.
If you did not have those- you simply do not have social anxiety. You have something that is mimicking social anxiety.
All mental health problems have to a certain degree social anxiety issue - so it is easy to confuse and mis-diagnose it.
--
" Social anxiety also control my daily activities, even something as simple as texting could be a chores."
This is due to trauma and toxic shame. We suppress the trauma, we have no idea toxic shame parasite is inside us - and we are controlled by it. Trauma and toxic shame is out of our awareness.
---
Google it - Jung Persona.
It is interesting -
and it is used by narcissists to build fake persona of being strong and alpha male which we see in social anxiety videos when Andrew Tate tells us that we are weak sissy and we must become strong and Jordan Peterson will tell us to have teeth and show teeth. They are describing narcissistic fake Persona.
Persona can also be normal - without superiority complex - for example - it can be learning social skills like suppressing our urge to judge others and listening to them without judgment.
We suppress our natural normal state of being selfish and egocentric - and we replace it with artificial instructions to behave in civilized manner.
Practically society teaches us how to create Persona from early education to mass media.
This can be dangerous - since psychopaths such as politicians in authoritarian parties can spread message of hatred so that we build Persona of racism for example.
---
" i still have an anxiety disorder"
This is where labels and psychiatry are doing us psychological damage.
Instead of labeling anxiety as neurodivergency, CBT will "explain" to us that what we feel as reaction to toxic people and abuse is a "disorder".
This way we will create toxic shame and self loathing and this "explanation" by CBT that we have disorder will turn into self-fulfilling prophecy: we will actually start to believe that we are disorder and that we are creating disorder and that we are responsible when someone is evil and abusive and intrusive.
That is why CBT must be banned - it is spreading labels through hyper-cognition and next what we have is Martha Mitchel Effect.
---
"be more directed towards the after effects of being abused/bullied, and the trauma that is caused from those things"
Yep - and that is social anxiety.
Social anxiety is not a mere shyness.
We have abuse issue here: trauma which was suppressed and forgotten - and abused targets feel responsible for the abuse making it worse.
"This video was meant more for people who feel anxious in everyday normal situations"
That is not social anxiety.
You are talking about neurosis and shyness.
So - people with social anxiety will watch your video - not shy people nor neurotics - since they have no idea that they are neurotic.
People who were abused will seek information - and they get information about general shyness.
Then they feel bad since the information in the video does not help them at all - and they feel responsible and guilty for being "lazy" and "abnormal" - due to very reason that advice for "social anxiety" does not work for them. Now they are psychologically damaged by advice which was not even meant for them in the first place.
Please consider this when talking about social anxiety - and make it clear when talking about it.
---
Nice insight - but it seems to me you lack certain deeper psychological knowledge. Please allow me to explain if you are patient enough.
"I see it as a different way of wording. The way your putting it, isn't it working on self growth in a way?"
The topic here is anxiety.
Anxiety is emotional state - which is triggered by abuse and toxic environment. IT can happen in the past - and now similar events or people will trigger the original unprocessed wound. That is anxiety. Anxiety is therefore a psychological wound, pain and hurt.
When you are a kid and play at playground - you might fall and scratch your knee. This is a wound. When you play - you learn new motor skills and you grow in physical way: muscles. The wound is not a part of growth. The wound does not make you grow -
The wound can teach you how to balance your act - so that you do not fall the next time - but the wound itself is not part of growth. The wound needs cleaning and sanitization - the wound does not need talking about logics and motorics of the play- talking about it won't help the wound.
"Healing triggers and trauma is a form of working on self growth."
No, it is not.
Self growth is when we satisfy our Maslow needs.
We start with basic needs - such as shelter and we work to self-actualization.
No one achieves self-actualization because the limitation of our brain - but we all strive to it, consciously or unconsciously.
So our anxiety is not part of Maslow needs.
Anxiety occurs when we live our life and when we encounter traumatic events.
"Whenever an individual is working on the self, in one way or the other, they will get growth"
They won't. Healing anxiety won't make us progress - if we are in toxic ambient - and if we do not process anxiety - we will continue doing the auto-pilot such as fawning to angry people and fixing them and being focused on their mood swings.
There is also one another dimension:
Why we want self growth in the first place?
Is is because we want to control and abuse other people?
IF that is the case - self growth is coming from narcissism and this can be dangerous.
Then "self growth" can lead you to crime and abuse.
Freud said:
The desire for self development stems from "narcissistic" desires, a tendency to self-aggrandizement and superiority over others.
Sigmund Freud
So yeah, I think you miss and mix up terms.
You probably listen to Jordan Peterson and similar "gurus" who are mentally ill.
Please turn your source of education to professionals and experts who are not so filled with seductive glib charm for masses to attract.
---
Anxiety is not something you grow. Anxiety is normal emotion - and it is normal to feel it when we are abused.
Anxiety requires us to process it and to learn about it - not to destroy it and pretend uncomfortable emotions does not exist - this will lead to mental illness.
---
YT "Five tips for dealing with rejection sensitive dysphoria"
Good tips - but this does not explain what we do when we deal with pathological abusers and coercive control or when we are in shame culture environment.
Then self blame and self correcting will only add to toxic shame already present inside us.
I would refrain from self abuse in general.
It is not good habit that we always blame ourselves for whatever bad happens and then convince ourselves that we are imagining bad things. Some bad evil things are bad and evil - and it has nothing to do with our reactions.
If we decide that we must fix ourselves and prune ourselves whenever we react to evil people - this will end up as us being pushovers and people pleasers - since we will always interpret someone's hidden evil agenda as our hallucination and over-reaction and we won't actually process the pain and hurt that evil people do to us with abuse and intrusion, emotional abuse and violence.
--
"I can ruminate unproductively for hours."
This could be a sign of high IQ - brain that has ability to process large quantities of information and struggle to find solution - which cannot be found due to lack of education and needed data.
What then? Should be block our natural gift - should we suppress it and pretend we are not smart?
Instead of suppression and denial and stifling it down - I would rather go in the direction of Emotional Regulation and allowing our brain to do its thing that comes naturally to it.
---
"It's a warning that something presents some kind of danger/fear factor to you"
If we decide to look/explain/interpret at life as a battle - we will develop antagonistic personality which is dysfunctional and leads to conflict and Fight response to trauma all the time.
It can end up as criminal.
---
You might consider to use different terms.
It is not about mere accepting.
We are talking here about processing - and that is not mere acceptance. Processing emotions is difficult, hard, uncomfortable and painful - you feel anything else but accepting it.
---
"you're usually scared because something will hurt"
This statement is untrue.
Anxiety means trauma - and trauma means flashbacks and triggers. Flashbacks and triggers are mostly reaction to past trauma - which get activated due to similar occurrence as it was original trauma.
This means that we will not actually be in danger - we will simply copy-paste the past threat and interpret new events and new people as dangerous - while there is no actual threat.
Or the threat might be real - but now as adults we have much more options at hand which we did not have as children- but due to hypnosis and conditioning and programming we are not aware of those options - such as cutting contact or going gray rock.
To become aware what is going on - we need emotional regulation and emotional processing. Not accepting. Not automatically interpreting anything that moves as danger and threat.
"Stop thinking you're the only one with a good view of the situation"
We are discussing here ideas, it is not battle.
You interpret anything that does not comply to your ideology as threat - this is excellent example why your mindset is faulty and needs adjustment which I talk here.
---
YT "How To Express Anger Clearly (Without Ruining Your Life)"
What I noticed that in the exact moment when someone is rude and this triggers me into anger - that I freeze so much that I have no idea what to speak. I do get ideas what to say later on. This happens over and over again - and for many years I was convinced this was social anxiety.
With Complex Trauma I learned this is called trauma response.
Now I have inability to speak up when someone is rude and intrusive and unfair - and I end up humiliated and taken advantage since I have issue with processing what is happening in the moment.
---
(7.6.2023)
Problem starts when this "Rejection" is actually Coercive control and when it is coming from a pathological liar, psychopath and someone who has general hidden agenda to harm other people either by sheer sadism or to take advantage of someone. Then it is more than their "judging" - it is intrusion, it is making damage in other person, it is an attack - which psychopaths cleverly disguise as help, service or information.
---
We are not gods.
Idea that we must be like gods is toxic shame and at its root is perfectionism and seed of all mental health issues.
When toxic people overcompensate and abuse other people in the process of attaining super human ideal as covert way to regulate themselves.
---
Your literal comment 23 hours ago was, and I quote:
"It's now a question of do you want to face it or not"
This statement is instructing us to be on Olympics of emotions, that we must fight our emotions, not processing it.
As if there is an award at the end - if we are "strong" and "courageous".
Emotions are not here to compete,
they are signals for our mental health.
They warn us if something is off balance -
that may be hormonal reason, may be brain injury, and may be that we are in toxic ambient filled with intrusive and narcissistic abuse environment.
This needs investigation - not competition.
---
Pluto is referring to your comment, and I quote you verbatim so that you do not accuse me of strawman fallacy, you said:
"most times you're anxious it's because your scared and you're usually scared because something will hurt"
In social anxiety it is mostly trauma - there is no real threat most of the times.
We are programmed in childhood to see world as scary place, and now we copy paste this conditioned belief, due to exposure to alcoholic abuse and narcissistic abuse.
Toxic shame is also byproduct of exposure to abuse -
which prevents us to see reality in calm, regulated manner.
As I am saying in all my comments about social anxiety-
social anxiety is issue of trauma and toxic shame.
Trauma being external event
Toxic shame being internal event.
Without exposing what happened - we will be governed by trauma and toxic shame, from within and from without -
and due to Mathew Effect - we will attract toxic people similar to our original trauma who abused us, since bullies easily notice scared traumatized people.
So it is in our interest to talk about social anxiety from the trauma and toxic shame point of view .
If we do not - any exposure will be repetition and replication of trauma and toxic shame:
self loathing, inner critic, fawning to difficult people and being stuck in toxic ambient.
Exposure won't help us to heal trauma nor toxic shame - it will re-traumatize us and bring more triggers for toxic shame.
---
"What were you feeling anxious about?"
Yep.
We need to write down and note - what are our fears. What are we so afraid of.
So mere exposure is not enough.
We will be triggered due to trauma - there will be plethora of things which are connected to our original trauma - and these triggers need to be investigated.
Even Pavlov who discovered conditioning said that we must not expose - we must also record what is happening - so that we make sense of what is true cause of our fears.
He said:
Don't become a mere recorder of facts, but try to penetrate the mystery of their origin.
Ivan Pavlov
Social anxiety fears are not genetical - we were programmed to get scared due to exposure to toxic people at the age when our brain was primed to mold to external ambient - which was toxic in our case.
This needs to be undone, we need to re-parent ourselves into healthy unit, person.
---
" trying to find the courage to go to"
You said here that you lack self worth to talk to some chick.
When we lack "courage" - this is actually lack of self worth. We equate our emotions with our persona due to toxic society where men are taught that they must be "strong" and "courageous".
This way we are brainwashed by society to develop toxic shame: deep core belief that we are only worthy if we are "men", if we do things, if we face our fears. Then we are "courageous".
This is psychologically speaking path to mental illness - because we will interpret fear emotions as sissy and sign of character trait which must be suppressed.
This is called Jung Shadow - we suppress emotions which we deem sissy and unmanly.
Then what happens is we build fake persona - some imaginary ideal in order to be "courageous". And we feel injury when we do not live up to this superior grand image that we are forced to build - in order to be accepted by girls and pals.
In reality - at the core - we are all equal.
There are no stronger or better human beings.
Paradox is once we accept and validate ourselves and not be ashamed of our sissy parts - we will become both "strong" and "courageous". Since there will be no toxic shame anymore to cover up anymore from other people to see our vulnerabilities and flaws and errors.
---
YT "don’t be scared of confrontation people don’t care about themselves people are dumb"
I love the main message:
"You shouldn't fear being hated."
But as life is complex - there are things you missed out.
1) There is Power Dynamics. When we are forced to be in toxic ambient and we cannot leave. Then toxic people attack us and abuse us. And we cannot leave.
Like toxic job - in toxic country - where another job is also toxic and there is no money to fled the country where mobbing is prohibited by law. Then when we confront the abusive person - we will get fired, Without money we will become homeless.
This means - we need to put up with abusive person and fawn to them.
However - your statement is perfect anti-dote to toxic shame which oppressed people feel when abused.
2) You miss Attachment theory in psychology. This means avoiding people is not healthy for us. Making general statements that people hate us - is not healthy and it is simply not true.
When people Hate us - some of them they do because they might be afraid of us, they are threatened by us. So is it possible that we are toxic? So this needs clarification - are we toxic? Are we doing all our best what we can do to do the right thing to be peaceful and to make things work and to find solutions to issues?
3) Life is meaningless - we need to create the meaning as Sartre said.
Yep, there are toxic people out there, but there are also good people out there and we need human contact, we need to make contact with good people and not be toxic to anyone.
---
YT "toxic shame cycle"
Extremely complex issue.
I have read John Bradshaw's book in 1998 - it did not help much, in fact it added more of toxic shame since he did not mention many things such as:
- oppression, power dynamics
- shame culture countries
- complex trauma
He wrote as if we must fight toxic shame - and this is toxic shame itself - since we believe we are inept and we need to build ourselves up. Toxic shame is hallucination - it is deep seated false belief that we are unworthy and wrong. Since this is not true, toxic shame is delusion which appear real to us - due to trauma, conditioning and toxic ambient which gives us confirmation of delusions - through constant criticism and nitpicking our mistakes.
For me it helped to realize that toxic shame happens automatically in trigger situations -
and there are automatic covert beliefs:
1) we are contaminated
2) other people must not hate us.
So we end up cleaning ourselves, we believe there is something dirty if we meet angry, rude, intrusive people.
And we believe we must do everything to please and fawn to others, especially if they are angry.
And we have no idea that these two beliefs are the motor that keep shame running: contamination and tyranny of shoulds - we should not make other people hate us.
Since these are unconscious - they will control us and we will be on auto pilot of toxic shame.
---
"but otherwise I keep being silent."
Why?
Examine it.
Is it fear of perfectionism? That you must be correct in every words you say? Why?
Someone told you that you are unworthy if you have opinion that is not fact-checked?
---
YT "The Psychology of Boundaries"
Things not mentioned in the video:
1) Power Dynamics. Where we are punished if we set boundaries - and as a punishment it may be loss of income, shelter. Or there is femicide. Then setting boundaries is dangerous.
2) There is fear of being hated by others.
---
This is something I never learned growing up: that it is okay that someone hates me.
Instead I got very clear message and instruction that it is my responsibility to make other people not hate me.
Then I got stuck with social anxiety and fawning for the rest of my life.
---
(8.6.2023)
"in school you are constantly in social situations all the time and people still get social anxiety"
You are corroborating what I am saying: that exposure will not heal social anxiety.
Yep, socially anxious are in the school all the time - yet social anxiety is still there. That happens due to trauma.
Trauma is psychological Black Swan Event - it is shocking, violent, hurtful yet it can be covert such as constant and relentless criticism, error pinpointing at flaws and natural mistakes at early age when making mistakes is totally normal way to learn anything about life.
Those with ADHD and Autism spectrum are constantly told that something is wrong with them - so they also develop Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria -which is social anxiey.
Alcoholic home, dysfunctional homes are the source of Complex trauma, narcissistic abuse.
So -exposure to toxic people will not work, it will not heal trauma: conditioning, programming, hypnosis that we are unworthy, which is toxic shame - internalized trauma.
With toxic shame and trauma we get hypnotized to believe that we are contaminated if someone is angry and that it is our duty to fix other people and keep them happy. Also we believe that other people must never hate us - this beliefs happen automatically, we are totally unaware of them, and they run on auto-pilot - and we obey them.
That is social anxiety: trauma and toxic shame.
Social anxiety is no genetical since we are not born with fear of criticism nor negative evaluation. We are conditioned into social anxiety when we were exposed to toxic people and toxic ambient in childhood.
Then as adults we attract toxic people since we are programmed to fawn and hence have no boundaries.
---
"I always feel this pressure that I have to fill silence even if I don’t want to talk. Do you have advice on how to not think that way?"
This stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse where we were being told that we must focus on other people and their well being and care how they feel all the time, at our own expense.
We are hypnotized to believe that other people must never hate us - and now we will try to pull heaven and earth to keep them happy, amused, entertained and engaged.
Simply - put this awareness and your anxiety will lessen: let them hate you.
Allow them that they are angry at you for whatever reason - even due to silence.
Their hate is their personal business, it is not our job to handle their emotions, feelings nor thoughts.
We are not burglars, we are not kleptomaniacs, we are not serial killers and we to not have hidden agenda to cause harm to other people. We keep our part of unwritten social bargain what is expected of us in society.
If others want more from other people, that we are nanny to them - that is narcissism and borderliner issue.
---
"Having a job and being forced to work with people definitely helped me improve though."
If exposure helped you to remove social anxiety - you never had social anxiety at all.
You had shyness.
Social anxiety does not goes away with mere exposure.
Social anxiety is not issue of fear.
It is issue of repressed trauma and covert toxic shame - deep core belief we are inept and unworthy.
Toxic shame and trauma are hidden compulsive OCD message instructions:
1) we are contaminated if someone is angry and hostile and rude and it is our responsibility to fix them and we are sick and abnormal just because we are yelled at
2) other people must never hate us and we must do everything to fix their emotions and problems and we cannot tolerate their hatred.
These two beliefs are rooted in alcoholic abuse and narcissistic abuse while growing up -
so exposure will not heal those beliefs. Exposure will only re-traumatized those with social anxiety.
On the other hand - those who have shyness issues - exposure will help and their anxiety feelings which mimic social anxiety will vanish with mere exposure.
---
"its scary how did you bypass that"
He didn't bypass it at all. He doesn't have social anxiety.
He had shyness which can mimic social anxiety symptoms. Shyness is healed by exposure - they only need to break the ice and their feelings of fear which appear as social anxiety will vanish with exposure.
Unwittingly shy people like him are doing incredible psychological damage to people with real social anxiety - because they give us wrong message that social anxiety can be "healed" with exposure.
Social anxiety with exposure will become Masked and Functional - but it won't go away - because social anxiety, unlike shyness - is rooted in repeated psychological abuse while growing up: alcoholic and narcissistic abuse which is oftentimes covert and nobody is aware that it is happening - until as adults we are struck with panic and fear of people.
---
"How you view reality can't be 'truth or facts'."
I agree.
But topic here is social anxiety.
Social anxiety by official medical description is perceived fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
That is what we are talking here,
I am not topic here, nor my reality. We are talking here about ideas about social anxiety.
"Your perception is subjective."
You keep on shifting topic on person who is talking.
This way you are spreading social anxiety on other people and this is narcissism.
IT is toxic habit and please work on it.
On topic,
Socially anxious people are told by DSM and CBT that they have "fear of criticism" - but in reality this is not fear at all.
Panic symptoms appear as fear to corrupt and totally incompetent CBT medical "experts" who are prone to hyper-cognition.
In social anxiety fear of criticism is trauma and toxic shame. That is correct explanation of our panic anxiety feelings we feel. IT is not fear at all.
Then CBT instructs us to be "courageous" and "strong" and this way CBT is creating psychological damage - since it brainwash us to believe we are weak, sissy, cowards - due to wrong explanations of panic symptoms we have.
Now instead of working on our trauma - we are stuck with personality disorder - since CBT tells us that our brain is sick and abnormal and distorted.
CBT ought to be banned.
---
(9.6.2023)
We are talking here about social anxiety trauma -
therefore our trauma is involved around angry alcoholic violent narcissistic people and abuse.
These are things we need to focus on, check and see what is going on.
With trauma we need to get educated how it functions.
Trauma has triggers and flashbacks - these are clues what we need to heal.
Along with trauma comes trauma reactions: which are 4F: Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn.
It is highly likely that we will fawn with social anxiety - since we are afraid of people's negative reactions - it is likely that we will shut up and avoid conflict.
Then it is likely that we will develop trauma bonding and codependency type of attachments - fearful avoidant and we will have toxic shame (deep core belief we are inept).
So all these things need our understanding and we need to get educated about them so that we know the next time something anxious happens - that we stop blaming ourselves and that we no longer use childhood defense mechanisms that we use to handle stress and panic.
In the end - we will learn that we feel contaminated when we are around certain types of people and situations: such as anger and conflict. We feel contaminated - and we try to clean ourselves and we try to fix other people - as we learn in alcoholic abuse ambient. When we are aware of this contamination feeling, we can rest and realize - unless we are serial killers and antisocial criminals - there is no need to feel contaminated.
The other is belief that other people must never hate us. So we simply acknowledge that other people can hate us and we don't need to do anything about it.
So this is process of finding unconscious beliefs and commands that we were conditioned and programmed in alcoholic childhood by mentally ill person around us who never were in institution - but they were in close contact with innocent children who needed healthy role model while growin up, ambient of acceptance and validation - instead we received abuse, invalidation and violations of our rights.
---
"It’s all lies to make you feel like there’s something wrong. It’s normal"
With social anxiety the first medical response is CBT. It is found in self help books, online resources, therapy.
CBT is wrong therapy for social anxiety.
CBT claims that our fears are fears.
CBT does not recognize term called Complex Trauma - and it makes us believe that we have fears.
Nope. Anxiety is a mere symptom - not the cause.
So CBT will falsely lead us on wrong path - to self pathologize ourselves. We will believe we are weak and cowards - so CBT will fuse our emotions with our core worth.
This way CBT will create personality disorder in those who were traumatized. CBT ought to be banned.
---
You said: " "social anxiety is an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others" this is the correct definition."
That is definition by CBT and DSM.
" I don't even get why we are talking about cbt"
Because you are using tools and definitions created by CBT medical industry who is false, fake and creating psychological damage - and you are not even aware of it. You have no idea that words you use is CBT.
In reality - social anxiety is not fear.
Fear is only a symptom here. True cause of panic is Complex Trauma - term which CBT industry does not recognize due to politics and money profit.
So we are told lies by CBT and you base your explanations of social anxiety on lies and wrong interpretations.
Trauma is not the same as fear.
Socially anxious people are traumatized, they are not merely afraid. There is a significant difference.
When we believe we are afraid, CBT will instruct us to fuse our fleeting emotions with our core worth - this way CBT is creating personality disorder in anyone who believes in their brainwashing. Glasser said that Psychiatry can be dangerous for your mental health - in his 2003 book.
"And the rest of your argument is full of contradictions."
Well, perhaps you might name them so that we clear things up what is confusing you.
"I really did something demonic"
You are not discussing - you are antagonizing and expressing cognitive dissonance since you believe you are the center of the universe and all arguments must revolve around you and your drama that you create all the time.
A lot of narcissists fake social anxiety in order to play victim and attract empaths to take care of their narc supply.
---
"“We sacrifice authenticity for validation” reminded of being taunted at school (for being dark skinned)"
Very insightful post.
Fawning is trauma response: we try to please the abusers and rude people in order not to rock the boat and this becomes automatic defense mechanism, which we learned in alcoholic abuse childhood/exposure to narcissistic abuse.
When we fawn, we have external locus of control - and this means we have toxic shame instead of self worth inside us - so we look onto other people to explain us what is reality and whatever they say is ultimate truth which must never be criticized, and in the same time they have full power to criticize us for whatever reason.
Due to fact we live in dualistic universe - there is no ultimate truth - so if we believe that other people are speaking the truth - due to dualism - they will be always correct and in the same time we will always be wrong - and we won't have any arguments to stand up for our opinions - if we are not aware of dualism and double binding phenomena. That is social anxiety itself - being stuck in fawning and learned conditioned programmed belief that we must never make other people angry, that we must fix other people's anger and that we are not allowed for other people to hate us - we were programmed to believe that we are responsible for other people, especially those who are intrusive, aggressive and rude and angry all the time.
In reality - to snap out of social anxiety hypnosis trauma we need specific anti-hypnosis truth words to snap us out of hypnosis such as:
"You shouldn't fear being hated." by Izaak McCullough in his video I learned this.
I studied millions of psychology books - and I found de-hypnotizing healing instruction by some random you tube guy.
That is what we missed with social anxiety-
we started isolation in our teen years - so we never grew up in environment of healthy peers - instead we were isolated or we attracted narcissistic peers who sniffed our fear of hatred and exploited it.
---
People pleasing is trauma response, it is called officially Fawning.
This is learned behavior in alcoholic abuse and narcissistic abuse environment while growing up - constant criticism and being invalidated and unforgiven for smallest details which toxic people interpreted as errors and flaws. Now after exposure to such narcissistic abuse of control and manipulation - we are programmed to believe other people must not hate us. This belief is unconscious and it drives our conclusions and decisions such as fixing other people's anger and fixing their endless mood swings and we attract such borderliners and narcissists in our life - since we are unable to say no and leave them or speak truth - due to deep covert programmed hypnotic command that we must not have people hate us.
---
"failures are inevitable. Would you please tell us about realistic robust coping up mechanisms?"
The urge to have coping mechanisms is fear itself. So this urge to cope and handle unforeseen difficulties in life is fear. There are no answer for this. Therapy does not exist to give you ready solutions for problem in life. Therapy's goal is that you free your mind from fears, limitations and being stuck - so that you can come up with your own solutions to difficulties in life.
If god or therapy or parent told you what you must do - that would be manipulation and control. That would be theft of your human rights and your own free will.
This is what is happening in politics - most people serve and obey toxic monsters like Trump or Putin because these psychopaths present themselves as ready solutions for any problems in life - while in reality they promote nazism and concentration camps, hatred and mass killings and wars.
The point of therapy - that you free your mind from codependency and dependency on dictators who exploit your flaws and weaknesses and problems - is that you realize: allow people to dislike you.
When you make opinion - allow people to dislike it.
When you take certain action - allow people to criticize it.
When you say no - allow people to hate you.
In the end - who are you as person - is important too. Are you Putin? Are you Trump? Are you nazi gang leader? Are you serial killer? Are you filled with hate and desire to harm other people?
If you are - it is normal that other people hate you and warn you and punish you.
However - if you are civil, normal, healthy, kind person - it really does not matter if some people dislike or hate you.
You keep your end of bargain - unwritten social contract: you do not steal, you do not murder other people, you do not gossip, you do not hate others, you do not have hidden agenda plot to take advantage of others - so really other people dislike and hatred is not based on reality, there is nothing to dislike or hate - the problem lies in them if they still dislike or hate you.
---
Perhaps it is better than she does not make such video - since she never mentions in her video Alcoholic abuse nor narcissistic abuse. So she is missing a great deal of information, huge chunk of information is away from her awareness.
When we are not aware of all things to be considered - we tend to make poor decisions and wrong advice and go down the wrong road.
---
YT "How to Deal with the Fear of Being Disliked - Tips by Dr. Sapna Sharma
"
People are not born with fear of dislike, so this is conditioned fear in narcissistic mentally ill ambient, filled with alcoholic abuse or para-alcoholic (without alcohol but same effect is present).
So - idea that we must self pathologize ourselves and self blame ourselves so that we change something inside us will lead to mental illness and personality disorder. There is nothing to fix inside us if we have conditioned traumatized fears.
We only need the truth: that other people dislike us - and that we do nothing about it.
---
(10.6.2023)
"thought challenging"
This leads to hypervigilance.
You end up noticing thoughts - and this leads to OCD issues.
Now you will watch over thoughts like a warden in prison - instead of living your life you will become prisoner inside prison of your own mind. Instead of chasing your goals in life you will develop both compulsions and obsessions over your thoughts -
and you will prune them end destroy them as they sprout. Similar to democracy in free speech in North Korea - you will be state agency which destroys anything deemed as strange, weird and unacceptable.
Now at this stage - this idea of CBT will end up as personality disorder and mental illness.
In the end - if you are not serial killer, if you are not anti-social, if you do not have urges to harm and cause pain or take advantage of other people - why would you police your mind?
CBT ought to be banned.
---
RSD is social anxiety all over. Dr Dodson claims that the difference between social anxiety and RSD is that social anxiety does not have post-mortem rumination, which is untrue statement.
GoodTherapy verbatim quote: "RSD is often mistaken for social anxiety, since both involve a fear of rejection. However, social anxiety generally happens before the experience, not after"
Along with social anxiety this is issue of Alcoholic abuse and dysfunctional families ambient (AcOA) and it all stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse (constant relentless criticism of narcissists who is abusing others around him due to insecure self worth and plenty of toxic shame internalized).
Narcissism of the abuser over others - being the motor of all mental health challenges which DSM and CBT pathologize and unnecessarily complicate with hyper-cognition (quick stigma on anything that moves).
---
(10.6.2023)
YT "Would That All the Lord’s People Were Prophets - Hour of Power with Bobby Schuller"
It is interesting how difficult servers are usually antagonistic in personality - and this happens due to kind and nice people not choosing to work in serving due to negative experience of abuse and mistreatment by customers. It is a full cycle of bad behavior and its after-effects.
Many self esteem gurus will tell others to show teeth and to be selfish in order to "stand up for oneself" and as a quick solution not to be "pushover" - yet what happens as after-effect is it will come around as being surrounded by rudeness.
---
" regret not making friends and participating in school activities."
this was defense mechanism - defense mechanism done the best way that could protect you with information it had at that moment.
You were not problem and defense mechanism is not abnormal, there is nothing to feel regret about.
It means you have healthy and fully operational brain which is doing its job as it suppose to.
IT would be extremely worrying if you do not have mechanism inside you which protects you from trauma and abuse and any disturbances in your toxic ambient.
---
(11.6.2023)
Silence can be sign of fawning - and people pleasing is often learned programmed reaction to narcissistic abuse.
This is a goal for toxic people: that we shut up and that we do not speak out the truth and that false reality and false identity of narcissist is never exposed.
Then keeping silent is the same as enabling the abuser and abuse - for them to continue abusing,
In fact they abuse now because all the people who were suppose to discipline them and punish them - were silent to their temper tantrums.
If narcissists are accounted for abuse they are doing - they would stop doing it.
---
"My social anxiety is so severe I have trouble with going alone to the shop. I'm 21"
There is no other solution - for this severe social anxiety there is only one way - taking the band aid quickly and immediately.
When we start to develop agoraphobia and when we start to avoid daily activities which are crucial for our daily life such as shopping for food and needs and service - then the exposure is the only way.
I am not supporter of exposure - when exposure is related to fuzzy events such as going to bars or making fool of yourself in public or hanging with addicts and difficult people or staying in toxic job,
However when our daily life is damaged by social anxiety - then the exposure is the only way.
Social anxiety is not phobia.
However agoraphobia is phobia - and phobias are healed by exposure, repeated exposure to the feared object.
Unless you live in a prison or some war torn country or in some extremely toxic slum uncivilized place - there is no danger in going shopping.
No one will kill you, no one will abuse you, no one will prevent you or block you or mock you or take your money or hurt you in any way.
Social anxiety is reaction to abuse and toxic ambient - and it is related to our fear of being hated and it is internalized toxic shame - that we feel contaminated if someone is angry at us. This part is social anxiety and needs to be brought to awareness by learning about trauma and how trauma works.
However going to the store, driving the car, walking, taking action outside - these things need exposure.
I am encouraging you to face your fear of going outside. You do not have fear.
What we will feel with social anxiety is actually not fear at all.
We are not cowards. And there is nothing wrong with our brain. We are not abnormal.
What we feel, this panic and drama and uncomfortable emotions which mimic fear - are trauma, we are traumatized.
There is body of unprocessed trauma energy stuck inside our body - and this appears as fear to us and to other people.
Once you are aware that what you feel is not fear and that you are not sick nor abnormal nor inept - you will find strength to expose to daily life chores we all need to do such as shopping.
---
(12.6.2023)
YT "The PROBLEM With Social Anxiety Challenges ⚠️
"
Challenges and exposure will reveal where is the blockage: and it is always angry people.
De-sensitization will lead to us becoming pushovers and people pleasers to angry people. And that is the problem: being exposed to alcoholic abuse and dysfunctional ambient while growing up - and now we repeat defense mechanisms we learned as kids: to isolate and serve narcissistic abusers.
---
"Going on roller coasters 47 times won’t stop you from being afraid of rollercoasters. You have to accept that you are afraid of roller coasters and ride them anyway, using the experience as evidence to reframe the fear."
For social anxiety this does not work - since the problem is not fear - but trauma.
Being afraid is not the same as being traumatized.
The traumatized face their fears every day and it keeps trauma wound open.
Isolation and avoidance is the only way to heal the wound - which will never happen since the trauma is still stuck inside the body, unprocessed - so any trigger will open the wound.
---
"Maybe other things also contributed, but seeing similar faces, knowing that they dont care, helped."
Sure, it helps when we are around healthy and normal people who do not traumatize others.
What happens when in the family, at the job or in ambient where we live are toxic people who are abusive and use coercive control and are pathological liars (so you have no idea that they are toxic since they are covert). They care a lot to abuse others, what then?
Exposing to person who poops in your bed and contemplate fake court suit to take your money will not stop them from pooping in your bed nor destroying your life.
---
Julien is showing that self expression and being different and provocative is being able not to be afraid what random hick will think of him.
---
" it's one of the most widely accepted/studied methods of overcoming anxiety, especially anxieties related to traumatic events."
This is not true.
CBT exposure leads to anxiety being masked and functional, suppressed and covered up.
Trauma is still there.
Trauma is not problem with will power.
CBT is hooking up traumatized targets of abuse to become hooked to CBT drug mafia program.
---
"exposure therapy is the best way to overcome social anxiety without a doubt"
False.
Exposure therapy makes socially anxious people pleasers and to fawn and to become codependents.
"You need to explore the root cause and fix that then with positive interactions you slowly retrain yourself"
This is fantasy intellectualization. How can someone who is traumatized explore the root cause - since the trauma itself is protecting it self with false memories and loss of memory? Trauma will make everything to avoid exploring the root cause. That is why psychology is suppose to help with this - with education - whilest CBT does not do that - CBT is instructing socially anxious to become zombies without using own brain.
"but you never actually fixed the mindset of why u were scared of them in the first place"
Your CBT method also will not fix anything.
" tactics used by therapists and coaches it actually makes a lot of sense from a business standpoint. "
CBT is created by Republicans and corrupt corporations who want to make slaves without brains, zombies to serve them. Trauma is banned by DSM and CBT and instead Pharma mafia is making profit from traumatized targets of abuse.
"They give you the methods that work and they don’t life but never explored the mindset that got the person there in the first place so they eventually end up coming back. "
Yes.
" A lot of business set to help people are like this."
Insurance companies.
The whole Republican set-up of capitalism at the core is making people sick, keeping them sick and preventing them from being healthy and getting healthy. This social anxiety is socio-economic issue.
--
"I'm not reading that"
That is an Example of Victim mentality and learned helplessness.
---
Egocentrism is leftover since trauma childhood. We get stuck at the age where our trauma happened - and it is egocentrism that gets stuck along.
Piaget discovered that egocentrism is the final stage of growing up.
When we were abused, traumatized, pushed into subordination and silence - we never had the same chance as other kids who grew up in more-less functional adults.
We instead were programmed to hide, isolate, shame ourselves into hiding and protecting the original wound.
---
With bullying we get stuck in External Referencing locus of control - where we believe that other people are gods, that our happiness and worth depend on other people and that they are always correct ones.
This way - we will attract a plethora of toxic narcissistic codependent monsters who will drag us into Karpman Drama Triangle.
Intrinsic locus of control tells us that we base our values on our superEgo, our inner wisdom, our accumulated knowledge - and that we do not depend on whim and whip of other people as they lash or pity us.
---
"That’s exactly me and I’m 16 I’ve been like this ever since I was little and have no friends at school and always feel like im wasting my teenage years it’s cuz I don’t even try but I feel like I can’t try and idk what to do and sometimes I think I have autism but idk"
Sounds like an average teenager.
I would not pathologize myself, I would allow my instinct to guide me and errors are the only way we can learn who we are, what we like and whom we can allow in our private sphere.
---
The more labels you put on yourself, the more zombified you will become. And stigmatized, too.
---
"Doesn’t Social anxiety mean you have trouble talking to people and making friends"
Not necessarily.
Social anxiety can be Masked and Functional - but trauma is still there.
The best example is Michael Jackson who had severe social anxiety but performed in front of billions of people without trouble.
And making big bucks. Yet - his life ended in tragedy due to unhealed unprocessed trauma which caused social anxiety in the first place.
---
Social anxiety is not problem with will. It is trauma and exposure to alcoholic abuse as children.
Forcing ourselves to create fake image will lead to narcissism and mental illness such as borderliners (karens).
---
YT "Things to avoid if you struggle with social anxiety #anxiety #socialanxiety #comedy"
Socially anxious people already will avoid toxic people.
That is essentially social anxiety itself hehe.
Problem with social anxiety is - what happens when we cannot avoid toxic people and we are forced to socialize (be in contact) with them - such as family, job, service, help.
Then this is the problem - being in contact with toxic people.
That is also a clue that you never actually had social anxiety.
All you experienced was rough patch of shyness that mimicked social anxiety symptoms so you mis-diagnosed yourself with social anxiety...
Social anxiety is exposure to alcoholic trauma abuse - and it cannot be "cured" - since there is nothing to cure, there is no abnormality in the brain, there is only trauma energy stuck inside the body, unprocessed.
---
YT "How to reduce social anxiety #socialanxiety #anxiety #comedy #mentalhealth #funny"
Suppressing social anxiety leads to more trauma since we are not aware of pain and what is wrong.
Many people are toxic for us - and it is easy to recognize Karens however truly toxic people are covert and act as friends or help - and we stay stuck with them, only to abuse us and put us down, and they rationalize it as "help".
Without allowing ourselves to feel the pain and process what is going on - if we stifle social anxiety down - we will miss the alarms, we will miss crucial bits of information which will help us to sort healthier and better decisions in life based on all information gathered.
This is also a sign that you do not understand social anxiety. You keep mixing it with shyness.
---
Mediate won't help us if we are codependent and when our partner poops in our bed and contemplate to destroy our movie career by accusing us of being a rapist.
In fact, meditation will enable their abuse to continue - since we won't act on it to protect ourselves - we will instead intellectualize and rationalize their abuse as our fault and our responsibility to fix them.
---
YT "Social anxiety #shorts"
Yep, you are totally correct. That is social anxiety.
Exposure CBT advice will not work with social anxiety. Anxiety will still be there even when we have positive experience - because fear anxiety is not problem at all. it is not fear issue.
IT is trauma.
Programmed abuse and learned helplessness, exposure to dysfunctional ambient when our psyche was suppose to grow in healthy and validating environment - we were exposed to alcoholic/narcissistic abuse all the time: criticizing and blaming and shaming.
---
YT "Ep 22 How to survive social anxiety with Russell Norris"
"Productivity"? I hope it does not mean to be brainless drugged zombie and auto-pilot slave to toxic corporations and narcissists /pathocracy in authority or leftover unprocessed unhealed perfectionism from dysfunctional home? 🤔
Important details about social anxiety not being said in the video:
1. Complex Trauma
2. Neurodiversity
3. Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families
4. Toxic environment
1. CPTSD is banned by CBT but non-American WHO described Complex PTSD in their DSM called ICD version 11.
Complex PTSD is not the same as PTSD. In USA corporations and insurance companies forbid trauma information and diagnosis due to saving money - so many traumatized targets of abuse will be misdiagnosed for corporation profit. Also, misdiagnosis is done for political agenda such as Martha Mitchell effect. CBT ought to be banned, it is doing incredible psychological damage. Any self help book and online resource will be based on CBT, not actual trauma information. Trauma information helps to learn about Polyvagal Theory - and what is the point of emotional regulation: Ventral Vagal state.
2. ADHD and Autism and HSP are highly co-related to social anxiety. Once again, CBT industry bans this information - since pharma mafia would not make money if traumatized people actually accepted themselves and validated their brain which is not working as neurotypical majority. Along with ADHD and Autism is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - which is basically description of social anxiety. CBT tries to destroy RSD information as invalid - so that true information is covered and hidden from public awareness: narcissistic abuse from psychopaths in authority.
3. AcOA description is description of social anxiety. Social anxiety is the result of exposure to alcoholic abuse and dysfunctional ambient in age when our brain was suppose to be safe and validated - it received the opposite. Also neurodivergents are exposed to constant correcting and punishing by narcissists, especially alcoholics who are triggered by anyone happy, empathic, healthy, friendly, open and carefree. We are born with only two fears: fear of loud noises and falling. Fear of other people is not genetic as CBT tries to lie to us - this social anxiety inhibition issue is conditioned fear (Little Albert Experiment and Brown Eyes Blue Eyes exercise from 1969). Narcissistic abuse is causing social anxiety, this is not genetic.
4. Environment plays crucial role in how we feel and what decisions we will make in life. If we are inside toxic ambient - this exposure to uncomfortable zone will not make us stronger, it will traumatize us. CBT tries to advise us to expose - but exposure to toxic people leads to brain injury: Long term exposure to narcissistic abuse causes brain injury - google it.
Social anxiety is not issue of fear as CBT/DSM explains. This is not fear. This is trauma. We are not afraid. We are traumatized. We were exposed to narcissists/alcoholic abuse -and this trauma will come to the surface through social anxiety.
So social anxiety is not issue of will nor being strong or courageous. When we fuse emotions with our self worth, we will develop emotional fusion.
Social anxiety is therefore fear of being hated and it is fear of others hating us - we got trained to fix other people's anger and moods in alcoholic home - and that is social anxiety. Programming to not tolerate other people being angry and hating us.
Since narcissistic abuse is causing social anxiety - and there is nothing abnormal inside our brain - and it is not issue of "fear" nor being "weak" - we need to learn about narcissistic abuse in order to recognize red flags and to divert narcissistic trait which narcissists projected into inside us.
So what to our logical brain seems like fear of walking in the room at job - it is actually traumatized conditioned hypnosis of not tolerating angry people and people who hate us.
Trauma is not the same as fear.
Social anxiety can be Functional and Masked - and trauma still being unprocessed and stuck inside our body, doing damage and guiding us on auto-pilot. Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety yet it was functional for him: he performed in front of billions of people without any issue. And unhealed trauma ended in tragedy for him. He was preoccupied with constant surgeries and being fixated on his unprocessed childhood trauma where abuse happened.
"No one think about you"
Toxic people, narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, emotional vampires focus a lot on their victims and targets of coercive control.
With exposure to alcoholic abuse as innocent children - we now have easy ability to pick and detect such toxic people quickly. This detection mechanism will appear as social anxiety to us - because we are fusing unrelated elements in one bowl of fear , as CBT falsely explain to us:
- there is trauma , unprocessed conditioned hypnosis
- there are toxic people who will trigger this original trauma.
CBT will falsely explain to us that we are our fear, that our anxiety is sickness and it must be suppressed and that toxic people do not exist ("no one thinks about you").
When we distrust our brain - as CBT instructs us - we will develop mental illness and personality disorder - since we won't rely on our instinct and experience nor our gut feeling. CBT will instruct us to cover fears and anxiety - and then we won't have all information for our brain to process. Then we will be stuck with toxic people and pretend that everything is fine and that we are not in danger.
Also - CBT does not explain self censorship and importance to express our opinion. CBT denies existence of coercive control and pushes us to expose to pathological liars and hijackers who will exploit any data we tell them, as CBT instructs us to be "assertive".
CBT ought to be banned.
Humanistic psychology works for social anxiety, not CBT.
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YT "Unlocking Confidence: 3 Proven Strategies to Conquer Social Anxiety"
This neurotypical video will not help at all.
Social anxiety is not shyness issue, nor it is being lazy , nor it is matter of a will.
---
YT "Overcome Social Anxiety Step by Step"
"Better than average"
is narcissism. That is mental illness. IT is called superiority complex, and it is part of inferiority complex masked as superiority through various overcompensations.
Video painful to watch, it is filled with mental illness advice and how to develop narcissism.
---
YT "How to actually reduce social anxiety"
"Real quick tip"
that lasts 9 minutes? hehe
"Social anxiety is being unsure and not knowing what your value is"
Not quite. This is not central premise of social anxiety. IT is exterior explanation of it. This is the same as if you are stabbed and go to emergency room to stop bleeding, and the doctor says that your problem is lack of going to gym. Nope - the critical problem is wound, not physical shape. Physical shape might be problem - but this is not acute immediate problem.
Social anxiety by definition is fear of criticism and fear of negative evaluation -
therefore social anxiety is issue of trauma and exposure to narcissistic abuse. As any person who is abused and cannot defined themselves - self worth will be destroyed - so any social person will be unsure and won't know own value - but this lack of confidence is only a symptom, not the cause.
Social anxiety is not problem of a willpower. Social anxiety is trauma, it is CPTSD (which is not the same as PTSD).
1:11
"As you get acclimated"
Then social anxiety will become Masked and Functional. That is because trauma is still there - trauma is not resolved by exposure nor by willpower. Trauma needs processing of a different kind than going out to bars and meeting new people.
Michael Jackson had a severe social anxiety yet his was functional so he performed in front of billions of people without any problem. In the end - unhealed unprocessed trauma ended in tragedy for him.
1:55
"You need to flex it"
Check out this quote:
I go out and I have a blast. I see people I know, watch show in a club, I talk. And it feels good, invigorated. And..next day I will feel anxious again about doing the same thing! You would think after so many times of positive reinforcement
🟥JamesCamacho
That is social anxiety - flexing does not help.
That is because social anxiety is not issue of fear. It is trauma. Trauma is not the same as fear.
Social anxiety appears as fear panic to the outside - but this fear is actually being traumatized.
So - flexing won't help it at all. It will linger.
Social anxiety is also neurodivergency - which means that people who are more sensitive and who have higher IQ - will process emotions deeply than most of people - and this deep stimuli processing might be quickly labeled/misdiagnosed as fear and lack of confidence.
5:25
"Go out and find what are you valuable"
Toxic shame unprocessed will prevent this. Toxic shame is by-product of trauma. Toxic shame is deep seated hypnosis belief of being incompetent that is result of exposure to alcoholic abuse in childhood.
7:35
"A lot of you are afraid to pop your $hit because you were taught to not to be arrogant, we are told to be humble"
You got it almost. The real fear is fear/trauma of not being hated by others. That other people must not hate us and then we must do everything to please other people and fix their anger. That is social anxiety hypnosis.
8:40
"All those experiences are not to hold me down but that was strength"
You are talking here about Grand Paradox -where any negative experience has some positive quality such as learning valuable lessons from our mistakes, flaws, errors. With toxic shame and trauma however this errors end up as self loathing and self pathology. That is why finding value is not critical for social anxiety - because there is this constant self abuse and self blame due to internalized toxic shame - which stems from exposure to dysfunctional ambient while growing up (invalidation and constant criticism).
---
When we learn about Alcoholic abuse - ACoA - we learn that there is also Dysfunctional families as problem.
And we learn term called "para-alcoholic" - where mentally ill person will appear and act as alcoholic - while in fact not drinking at all.
----
(12.6.2023)
YT "Social Anxiety - My experience and takeaways
"
Yep, it is complicated and simple at the same time.
It is neurodivergency mixed with trauma. Both are extremely complex and one need at least a year to learn all the data about it.
However in the same time - social anxiety comes down to not caring about other people hating us. IT is that simple.
If we are nice people- if we are not serial killers, our mistakes and flaws are really not worthy of harboring toxic shame that we automatically feel when someone is angry or moody about us or our mistakes.
A lot of social anxiety videos are about falsely presenting social anxiety as a wart to destroy and hide - only to flame more anxiety due to its toxic shame.
Videos like yours are unfortunately quite rare - validation and acceptance which actually help to heal social anxiety trauma.
Yep, you know ADHD neurodivergency, so you understand how to approach psychological issues from healthy standpoint.
Excellent video and message! hand-pink-wavingthanksdocgoodvibesvirtualhugvirtualhug
I love this:
"I discovered there is a fine line between respecting yourself and respecting others. And a lot of those a$$holes are respecting themselves and constantly projecting their insecurities or their lack of respect on other people."
Social anxiety is connected to narcissistic abuse and exposure to Alcoholic abuse (dyfunctional ambient).
In ADHD there is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - fear of criticism and taking it to heart.
I discovered this is connected to social anxiety via traumatized belief that other people must never hate us or be angry at us. Fear of being hated.
This is what another guy said, I love how people express amazing insight ideas over you tube:
You shouldn't fear being hated.
🟥Izaak McCullough
---
Every Monday I scan through social anxiety theme videos - and I put my comments on them. And after 20th or 30th video, my comments suddenly start to be deleted automatically by YT algorithm.
Luckily enough I save all my comments at my blog about social anxiety insight - so I can retrieve them at any moment after the spell is broken.
So here is the first try to copy paste them back to life:
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ACoA applies to Dysfunctional ambient too.
Social anxiety issues are not genetic. We are not born with fears of criticism or negative evaluation. Such trauma is conditioned only in toxic ambient.
Our parents may not be the cause - it could be someone else however it is those whom we depend on as children that are doing the lasting damage to brain that is in its developmental stage.
---
Such twats are especially damaging to us (those who were traumatized into anxiety) and we attract them like moth to a flame. They sniff us out via internet.
He is literally making himself feel good by talking bad to people. And our trauma make us worry about their anger and we are programmed to soothe them and keep silent and obey them as slaves.
---
Narcissists have invisible goals related to grandeur and impressing other people and seeking validation from others - and they see life as a battle.
---
We are not born with social anxiety. It is not genetic.
Two fears we are born with are fear of loud noises and fear of falling.
Social anxiety as fear of criticism and fear of negative evaluation - is programmed, learned, coded, conditioned, hypnotized fear set by toxic people around us when we were children.
There is nothing wrong with our brain, there is nothing to fix.
IT is trauma that is the problem - stuck inside our body.
---
"There's a massive amount of research data behind both CBT and exposure therapy"
Statistics are interpreted as corporation wants it to be explained.
CBT is not science.
It is ideology, someone's explanation - it is not valid and it is not proven.
Regarding exposure this quote tells it all from a guy on you tube, he says:
I go out and I have a blast. I see people I know, watch show in a club, I talk. And it feels good, invigorated. And..next day I will feel anxious again about doing the same thing! You would think after so many times of positive reinforcement
🟥JamesCamacho
CBT is therapy of ableism.
IT is no different than nazi psychiatry which cured non-white Germans as sick and abnormal and supported concentration camps and politics.
This Republican nazi fascism using psychology as tool for destroying political opponents continued with Martha Mitchel.
CBT is Ludovico Method depicted in Clockwork orange.
It was designed as quick brainwashing technique to handle criminally insane.
---
(13.6.2023)
"do things thats free that we take for granted or we stopped. So just go play and live things will be ok"
Unfortunately this ableist advice won't work for social anxiety.
Social anxiety is not issue of will.
It is not issue of habit.
It is trauma. Social anxiety is Complex Trauma. And it has word "complex" for a reason. People who have it are not lazy, they are not lacking in will and they already tried all that - but trauma anxiety panic is still there.
This happens due to exposure to narcissistic abuse in childhood, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. At their official web page for ACoA there is Lanudry list which perfectly describes social anxiety.
Trauma cannot be washed away and it is dangerous to stifle trauma down and pretend that nothing happened. That suppressing leads to mental illness as Freud and Jung discovered. Suppressing, ignoring emotions is dysfunctional defense mechanism.
---
", it is just a reaction to the unknown or known"
No, it is not "just" reaction.
It is trauma trigger and conditioning and exposure to coercive control of narcissistic/alcoholic abuse in childhood and later on in adulthood when target of abuse repeats the self abuse learned in dysfunctional childhood. So, it is not a mere reaction.
"When you get pushed to the limit or just went through something crazy and come out ok thats the feeling of feeling alive and that you are ready for whatever."
That leads to trauma being Masked and Functional - but trauma is still there. Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety which was masked and functional when he performed in front of billions of people, yet his trauma unprocessed ended in tragedy for him.
"i just play out an awesome ending to these catastrophic thoughts"
This is called Delusion and it can lead to mild Schizofrenia.
I would advice you to snap back into reality and find better more functional ways how to deal with exposure to alcoholic abuse and dysfunction. Fantasy idealizations are protective mechanisms which we learned in childhood to handle abuse - but this is dysfunctional and highly dangerous for adults to keep.
"Just have fun but always prepare for failure. "
Social anxiety is having toxic job being stuck with verbal abuse and mobbing and abuse at work - without means of escape. There is a small amount of fun there.
"because there are other people far worse than your silly anxiety"
This is also defense mechanism which is dysfunctional and it is called Intellectualization.
These defense mechanisms protect us from processing the pain and we do not allow our brain to get enough information to process and come up with better solution in life. Your logic simply blocks information like North Korea censorship and you get stuck in fantasy delusions without being aware what you are doing to your own brain. This is highly dangerous.
When your partner starts to poop in your bed and plan to destroy your movie career at false court accusations - you will convince yourself that what you feel as reaction to abuse is silly and that there are people who have it worse.
You are literally self-sabotaging yourself and self pathologizing yourself. As you learned in dysfunction to do so.
"Don't worry be happy,and ever little thing is going to be alright."
Optimism bias.
"Optimism bias is the tendency to overestimate the likelihood of positive events and underestimate the likelihood of negative events. Optimism bias causes most people to expect that things will work out well, even if rationality suggests that problems are inevitable in life."
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" it’s up to us to break the cycle though, I’m not concerned about the past"
If we never learn from our past - we will be doomed to repeat it in cycle.
We won't know we are stuck in cycle in the first place.
Because if we are not aware of conditioning and programming from dysfunctional childhood - we will be on auto-pilot and repeat dysfunctional mechanisms we self-learned ourselves to deal with difficult people in childhood.
C.G. Jung — 'Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.'
---
"Brother what?? -_-"
Social anxiety we need to learn about psychology and philosophy - education is the only way that we can deal and handle social anxiety.
Social anxiety is trauma - and trauma needs healing with understanding what is going on in the first place.
When we don't know - we are like zombies, some background character, like motorless boat in the ocean - that is pushed around as waves and currents come.
---
Oh my god, so much garbage that CBT put in your head. Let's see to clean this crap out:
1) "I'd rather ban you"
When you don't understand something - that does not mean you are correct and that solution to your non-education is destruction of things which you cannot process.
Also - inability to handle reality and facts and objectivity is a sign that CBT does not work. When we refuse reality - this means therapy that was suppose to help us didn't help us at all.
Therapy teaches us to accept and process reality, not ban it.
2) " the thing that helped me get rid of depression, social anxiety and GAD"
If this is really true, why then you are spending your free time reading social anxiety topic?
Obviously it didn't help you - since you would be outside in the sunshine, licking ice cream and meeting new and old friends, you would be chasing your goals. You would not spend your free time here arguing and defending your delusions and paranoia.
Bad therapy such CBT does not help at all - it makes trauma Masked, Functional and Compartmentalized - and these are all actually dysfunctional mechanisms to handle trauma - since you are still triggered by truth and cognitive dissonance.
3) "BT was unable to defeat my ADHD itself"
Jesus, ADHD is not disorder. That is ableism. CBT is therapy of ableism. ADHD is neurodiversity - there is no sickness in it. The brain is simply functioning in a different way than neurotypical brain. Same for Autism.
Unless you are serial killer or have hidden agenda to harm and cause pain to other people or yourself - there is nothing broken or sick in your brain.
CBT did not teach you about concepts called neurodiversity and neurotypical brain. CBT simply stole your money and pushed profit medicines to make money on your neurosis and trauma.
4) " to achieve using this amazing tool."
If you are really "achieving" in your life - you would not waste your time watching social anxiety videos. You would live your life fully and you would not be neurotic Karen with cognitive dissonance.
---
My comments get deleted repeatedly due to YT algorithm, as if matrix is protecting you from the truth. hehe
ACOA web site is also for dysfunctional families.
Our only (legal) weapon for trauma is education and getting understanding what is really happening.
---
Narcissists have snapshot of reality (Vaknin, Grannon).
When we are unable to handle facts, objectivity, transparency , when we have cognitive dissonance to real life - we will invent our own fantasy world - and this can end up as mild Schizophrenia, delusions and paranoia.
---
@Specialone "I don’t believe being a people pleaser has anything to do with positive social interaction unless it’s the strategy"
Well, there are people who are born in dysfunction and they were punished for expressing needs and having opinion.
Then as adults they are afraid of being hated by others and they start to people please and fawn as trauma response to any trigger which resembles the original trauma - such as angry and moody people.
"they then can start mixing a matching techniques at their will"
If they have neurotypical brain, or low IQ, then they have no issues with matching and processing stimuli.
However in neurodivergent brain, in trauma, in HSP, in high IQ - there are tons of information receiving in the brain which leads to difficulty to process all the stimuli data.
"Same premises as understanding the rules before you break them"
This works in healthy and normal environment where there is no coercive control and narcissistic abuse which shift goals and rules all the time. Then you cannot understand the rules since the criminally insane person will be pathological liar and have no firm rules at all.
"So once the person has enough interactions they will eventually learn social dos and don’ts "
Social anxiety is not lack of social skills. That is CBT myth.
Socially anxious people are empathic and kind- they see things from multiple angles -and hence they are not egocentric. This makes them more socially skilled than 80 percent of population.
" until they reach a level that most people operate at. "
Social anxiety is not matter of will. IT is trauma issue -
blockage which is omitting processing data. Such as fear of being hated by others - where this conditioned hypnosis is implanted by dysfunction in time when socially anxious person was innocent child and had no resources to remove oneself from alcoholic abuse.
"A person without social anxiety won’t always make the correct move in certain situations but they have more experience in the usual situations to have a sense of confidence."
This statement is untrue.
You are mixing up confidence with being fake. Halo Effect. For example,
Psychopaths have glib charm - so many employers will confuse their psychopathic trait as confidence and they will have halo effect - they will believe that such "confidence" means competence.
"the root cause will be different for everybody but not much different."
We are talking here about social anxiety.
Social anxiety inhibitions are specific and very clear:
it is fear of criticism and negative evaluation. This specific fear is not general, it had not fallen out of thin air. This specific fear is trauma and it is conditioned in alcoholic/narcissistic abuse ambient.
" is very hard to do due to the way trauma disguises itself."
CBT made it hard to make money by selling medicines. Jung and Freud and Charcot studied this 100 years ago - and they were very successful, until USA corporations came and started to make money on trauma.
" If you can understand who or what triggers your trauma you have something to work with which is easy."
Trauma healing does not mean battle and living in hypervigilance and farming our triggers.
Trauma healing means Ventral Vagal - not being triggered any more. Seeing triggers and understanding them.
"If you can identify the trigger you have already started to win the game. "
Trauma is not game. There are no winners. This is American approach used in successful profitable business however it does not work with trauma and mental health.
"You can now do your best to avoid the trigger"
When we avoid information - we do not get enough data to process reality and come up with best solutions in life.
Avoiding negative emotions leads to mental illness.
"confront it on your own terms which would hopefully end with a positive social interaction"
You keep on seeing life as battle and other people as something to control and manipulate. This is indicative of narcissism or bordeliner. Highly dysfunctional.
""you can rebuild what you’ve once lost."
You are preoccupied with accumulation and grandeur and being a winner. Highly dysfunctional mindset.
"I don’t want to talk about politics "
Social anxiety and CBT is excellent example of pathocracy.
Just because you cannot and don't want to understand something - it does not mean it is silly or that it must be censored.
Once again, this North Korea censorship approach is clear sign of narcissism.
---
YT "It Is Not Victim Blaming... #shorts"
What happens when we are in ACoA dysfunction ambient - we get hypnotized to fear being hated by others. This is hypnosis. Conditioning cannot get be undone by logic. It is hypnosis.
---
In Power Dynamics it is impossible to "leave" narcissists.
For example, in Russia - you cannot leave narc Putin - bureaucracy and lack of money prevents you from leaving pathocracy, orgy of narcissism on state level. Same in North Korea.
In Middle East - if you leave narc husband, you will end up as Femicide statistic.
In Africa - if you protect your daughter from being raped by your husband - you will end up in jail.
So leaving narcissists is myth created by American propaganda where socialism and poverty information is banned - and this schizophrenia fantasy delusion of leaving is presented as the solution.
---
Evil people are evil because they are evil and they choose to be evil. There is nothing that we could do to stop their evil actions.
There is nothing wrong in our brain if evil person have chosen to abuse us. And nope, our brain will not prevent them from being evil.
We do not have schizophrenia ability to control and manipulate other people with our mind.
---
ACoA applies to Dysfunctional ambient too.
There is also term called "para-alcoholic" which describes person who is behaving toxically like alcoholic but there is no addiction problem with alcohol.
The more education we have - the more information we get to handle trauma in proper manner.
Your video helped me to vocalize extremely difficult issue with CBT exposure.
There are a lot of you tube gurus who proclaim exposure as "cure" for social anxiety.
And I never had concise argument why exposure does not work.
Your video gave me amazing description and voice to explain it.
---
(14.6.2023)
It is dangerous to spread our fears and convince ourselves that social anxiety is related to any action in public. That leads to agoraphobia, soon we will make ourselves believe we are afraid of everything, as we should be - since the world is practically dangerous place.
A meteorite can fall at any minute.
A traffic accident can happen anytime.
Mass shootings have become regular in USA.
Corruption in poor countries leads to unnecessary pain and suffering.
We have millions of reasons to notice fears and be afraid all the time - however living in permanent state of fear (also called hypervigilance or survival mode) is not healthy.
---
" saw a man "
Trauma is not Olympics.
There is no measurement or trophy of success here.
Comparing is toxic habit which mostly narcissists use to shame other people in order to feel good about their fragile ego.
---
2 months later and I learned concept called Fearful-avoidant attachment style.
In short - it is dysfunctional to detach ourselves, it leads to inability to listen to other people and find solutions to problems - since we would detach ourselves from reality and all the facts we need to bring the best decisions in life regarding certain uncomfortable and difficult topic.
---
This rush of fear is covert and hidden and unprocessed trauma.
On surface- this social anxiety trauma appears as fear and toxic society quickly labels it as fear - and hence sets us up to downward spiral due to wrong label.
It is not fear.
When we think it is fear - we end up with toxic shame and we fuse our emotions with our self worth. We end up thinking we are inept, stupid and abnormal for feeling this so-called "fear".
However in reality - this rush of heartbeat and surge of adrenaline is trauma response.
And in social anxiety - this trauma response is conditioned belief that other people must never hate us. We learned this hypnosis in alcoholic abuse/narcissistic abuse ambient of constant criticism while growing up.
The criticism was so ongoing that we do not even see it as unhealthy - until we start to learn and educate ourselves about Complex Trauma.
---
YT "Fear of confrontation"
In social anxiety fear of confrontation is actually trauma response called Fawning. It leads to people pleasing and it is conditioned/learned/hypnotized auto-pilot behavior learned in alcoholic abuse/narcissistic abuse childhood (constant criticism and nitpicking about flaws and smallest errors). Then as adults they end up with "fear of confrontation" - and on surface it will appear and seem as "fear of confrontation". While in reality this is not fear at all. IT is trauma: hypnosis based on hypnotic order: "Do not make other people hate you" as programmed in toxic ambient.
Like Charcot Hysteria and as Freud and Jung discovered 100 years ago - when we make aware of our unconscious hypnotic orders - we can easily deconstruct them and disassemble them into garbage.
When we no longer run on auto-pilot programmed commands of not allowing other people to hate us - we won't have trauma triggers any more - and we might even not look at confrontation as confrontation at all.
We now as our mind is free - we can look at any "confrontation" as either way to negotiate (with healthy people) or cut contact and minimize contact (with narcissists and psychopaths and borderliners who love endless drama conflict and thrive on it due to their fragile ego and mild undiagnosed schizophrenia).
When we learn about Philosophy - and concept called Münchhausen trilemma and Descartes "Evil demon hypothesis" - we learn that absolute truth does not exist, as Nietzsche said as well. We live in dualistic universe - where any action can be labeled as mistake and error, and where any concept can be interpreted as either positive or negative - it simply depends on relativity where we stand and observe certain matter.
Narcissistic and psychopaths know this secret and they use this information of dualism to control and manipulate others.
When we state the opposite opinion - they simply throw temper tantrum - and there our urge of moral and ethics will kick in - we will be silent in order to obey learned maxim not to be fool - and then narcissists end up as leaders and presidents and in authority seat - because good people are silent in order not to be a fool when toxic people force their version of explanations of reality.
---
YT "These cognitive distortions take up too much time and give others too much power #viral #viralshort
"
Overthinking can also be sign of ADHD and -Neurodivercity.
CBT is doing so much psychological damage with hyper-cognition (labeling anything which moves with quick stigma based on its half information).
---
YT "Cognitive Distortions that need to be avoided at all cost
"
This CBT idea that we nitpick and correct our thoughts will end as OCD.
If we have "cognitive distortions" - these are sign of toxic ambient and unprocessed trauma - they will go away as soon as we remove from toxic ambient and as we heal trauma.
Weeding out "cognitive distortions" will make us hypervigilant and we will self pathologize ourselves by believing that our brain is broken for creating these "distortions".
CBT hence leads to creating mental illness.
CBT ought to be banned - it is doing incredible psychological damage.
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YT "Avoid Toxic People"
In real life we cannot always avoid toxic people.
Due to money, family, third party.
So we need ideas and mechanisms how to handle and manage narcissists and psychopaths.
---
YT "Build Resilience"
If this was so easy - everyone would be resilient.
Resilience is not something that can be built. That is childish way to look at life.. Magical thinking and fantasies.
In real life - in poor ambient, unfavorable power dynamics we can't build anything. Then this childish idea that we "build resilience" will end as depression, self pathology and self blame and being lazy because we just can't "build this fantastic resilience".
Please do more research about psychology, outside corrupt CBT - because advice like this will make incredible psychological damage to young people who are not yet educated in psychology to know better.
--
16.6.2023
" don't let it matter so much afterwards."
Well, the point of social anxiety is in the inability to let it go. Being stuck in worry and hyper-vigilance.
Also, mere feeling emotions is not the point.
In social anxiety we need to process the stimuli and learn from the experience - not just endure it.
Usually, due to alcoholic abuse dysfunctional childhood we were raised in narcissistic abuse where we learned to suppress emotions - and now we have inability to discern what is good or bad for us. We simply endure abuse and ignore it and direct anger toward self - inner critic.
We miss the clues and messages from environment - such as what people we need to avoid and how to deflect evil people in proper manner - since we suppress emotions and information given by them.
Due to toxic shame from ACoA - we will have unconscious beliefs such as that other people must not be angry and hate us, and that it is our duty that other people must never hate us.
So when let go is being told to socially anxious - it is meant for letting go people hate us and have whatever emotions they have. It is not our job to fix them, instead we have our superEgo to guide us.
---
"sounds a lot like self domestication"
Social anxiety stems from domestic abuse: Alcoholic abuse and Dysfunctional ambient.
We were exposed to constant criticism and mood swings. This particular fears that are in social anxiety: fear of criticism and fear of negative evaluations are acquired in specific toxic ambient over long period of time in early age when our brain was forming.
This is not genetic issue of shyness - this is after-effect of exposure to alcoholic and para-alcoholic abuse, someone who was untreated mentally ill, narcissist and or borderliner.
---
YT "Embracing Innocence: The Path To Healing Anxiety
"
When I discovered Humanistic psychology I encountered this self validation concept which was unknown, mysterious and strange to grasp. Until then I was only instructed by CBT due to my social anxiety issues - which were based on self pathology (that we have cognitive distortions and that toxic people do not exist and if I am in contact with difficult people that I simply need to be assertive with someone who is pathological liar and use coercive control and gaslighting and blame - and hence put more shame just for being in contact with such person).
With CBT I never got to the central point of humanistic therapies: that states if we are not serial killers, if we do not have hidden agenda or open overt ways to harm, cause pain to other people, if we are not anti-social, violent and damaging to other people - there is nothing sick nor abnormal inside us. That trauma, fears, panic - are triggers from trauma, not personality trait nor persona flaw as CBT brainwash us to believe. Fear that CBT tries to push believing is actually trauma - and being traumatized is not the same as fear even though it appears as same and similar.
When we are brainwashed with CBT idea that socially anxious are "afraid" - -we will develop more of self blame and toxic shame since we will be convinced that we are cowards and abnormal and weak, we will fuse our emotions with our self worth and lack of self worth.
When on the other side - when we realize that trauma is not personality flaw nor part of persona and our identity - and that our identity is that we are empathic and HSP - there is no need to feel guilty and ashamed for being ourselves - even with trauma.
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I never knew that inner child means in psychology. I was convinced it was a version of me when I was a child.
It wasn't.
Inner child is Duckman. It is animation series from 1990s, with voice by George Constanza actor from Seinfeld.
The Duckman is annoying, irritating, narcissistic, egocentric character that uses sex as a way to feel good in life and he is rude and obnoxious to anyone around him - yet in each episode he re-discovers that being selfish is unhelpful and that he can care for others, it doesn't cost him anything to be kind.
I was repulsed by his character. Then I realized that he is a representation of inner child.
When we are self blaming and judging and feeling shame - we are feeling these emotions to such character inside us. That is Jung's Shadow. All the flaws inside us, all the errors and all the imperfections - that hang around since childhood and now are in adult stage - they are our inner child.
Instead of discipline and disgust, instead of judging and blaming, instead of shame and suppressing it - this character inside us needs our validation and special care, acceptance and listening to him, what he wants - instead of treating him like ugly animal that smells bad and you push it away from yourself.
Amazingly enough, when we realize our suppressed errors, flaws and imperfections is something that we embrace and understand and take care of and help grow and learn and teach it to become adult, in the same time we will have more understanding of difficult people in our life who are annoying to us but in the same time they are not too annoying so we never permanently cut contact with them. WE can actually start to listen to them what they are trying to vocalize unsuccessfully and show them minimum amount of care instead of disgust towards them.
---
YT "How to Set Boundaries With a Narcissist"
"Sometimes you say no, and they go and do it anyway."
That's because they are operating on snapshot of reality (Vaknin, Grannon). They do not see reality - they live in delusions and paranoia and imagined fantasy that appears as reality to them. They do have mild schizophrenia, and reality is painful to them, facts, objectivity, criticism, feedback, information of any kind that does not co-relate to their snapshot - they will reject it and won't have ability to process information stimuli - such as someone telling them No.
We need to be aware what is happening - and stop expecting them to listen to us or have any ability to process anything we say to them which is in the opposition to their fantasy delusion.
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(18.6.2023)
Questions he wrote are not quite laser sharp.
Any traumatized person who was abused in narc contact over long(er) period of time - will mimic the narcissists due to fear and brainwashing and abuse.
For example - traumatized person will avoid and isolate due to pain and hurt of being with another human being - while narcissists will be avoided by others. Yet both end up with the same result.
The traumatized person will fawn and be codependent and take care of other person's needs and emotions and fix their problems - which may appear as manipulation and control to the third person. Narcissists will exploit and have hidden agenda to take advantage of their target - so in their honeymoon phase they will mimic and appear as fawning to the third person.
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"why does it not have any cure?"
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria has no cure because pain and hurt is part of life, it is impossible to not react to difficult moments in life. IT would be dangerous is we are like robot - it would be similar to severe mental illness, like schizophrenia or psychopath without emotions. Without emotions we are unable to make healthy decisions in life.
Even though RSD has no cure - it has successful workarounds - which means in a way we can make it work for us.
So for socially anxious this means - we will feel social anxiety - however unlike today - we will observe social anxiety as trauma response and as input from externa world - which needs our attention and processing. Not masking it away.
The pain and hurt will give us valuable information about who we are as person: what we like and what we dislike. What we avoid and how we speak our our needs instead of self-censorship.
Instead of fixing other person we can learn to tolerate someone being angry at us and hating us for no valid reason.
I have playlist from psychology - education about psychology and philosophy is our only legal way how to handle social anxiety.
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YT "The Two Things That Deeply Psychologically Change a Person — Analysis by a Former Therapist
"
Trauma information is banned by CBT and DSM - while on the other hand Complex Trauma is recognized by WHO's ICD-11 though, since it is outside of American corrupt medical system. It does not pay off to insurance companies to recognize trauma as real issue. The more profit lies in pharma addictions and false explanations by CBT (that abuse does not exist and instead of toxic people the supposed problem is someone's own cognitive distortions, hallucinations and delusions).
Luckily enough I was writing diary since I was 10 so I actually captured the moment when my social anxiety issue started. Diary helped me to identify ADHD which was masked and functional after early teen years onwards - so instead I explained it "thanks" to CBT and DSM, as me being incompetent - which added to toxic shame and false self.
----
(19.6.2023)
Problem is CBT which "explains" us that toxic people do not exist, that we can change our brain thinking (ABC Method) and turn anything into neutral and become passive - or that we engage in "assertiveness" - which in real life means endless drama and conflict with pathological liar and someone narcissistic who thrives on drama, gathering data which we give them with being "assertive", then accusing us of losing temper and presenting themselves as victims in the end.
---
OF course leave.
However in real life there are many situations where we cannot leave and we are forced to be inside ambient with the narcissists.
Like job, finances, third party, service, help, poverty, inability to escape, immobility, red tape, trauma etc.
Then "no react" will be interpreted by bullies as a sign that they are correct and that they continue with abuse, they won't have any incentive to stop.
Sam Vaknin says that narcissists cannot change their delusions - however he said that narcissists can control their abuse, this part is in their control- otherwise they would not have so many techniques such as hovering, hoovering, honeymoon phase.
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YT "Suffer from social anxiety? These ChatGPT glasses use AI to do the small talking for you"
Like in a movie "Terminator" (1984) - if offers text to say as response.
Psychologically speaking this may turn sinister: by creating fake false persona. This is how narcissists and psychopaths and sociopaths and Machiavellians abuse their victims: they put fake image to charm someone. Glib Charm is the number one trait of a psychopath. Then we enter into contact, business, relationship with someone who has hidden agenda to abuse and harm someone since we don't have red flags that this person is dangerous, anti-social and abnormal.
What happens when eyewear breaks or loses power. Then our true persona will try to mimic someone charming - and this will be obviously fake and embarrassing.
When we try to cover up trauma and reasons for being socially anxious - we never learn that we have this powers already inside us. When we mask and make our toxic shame and trauma masked and functional - we never become who we truly are. Instead we are like zombie - someone without brain and soul who is reciting the text expected by society and the other person with whom we talk to.
This eyewear for socially anxious is actually concept called Chinese Room:
"The Chinese room argument holds that a digital computer executing a program cannot have a "mind", "understanding", or "consciousness", regardless of how intelligently or human-like the program may make the computer behave. Wikipedia"
We can develop our own persona and charm - when we accept ourselves as we are, when we no longer fawn to people like conformists, when we allow other people to be angry at us and let them hate us - and instead we turn to intrinsic locus of control - listening to our intuition, common sense and gathered life experience - instead of depending on other person to impress them and appear grand to them (external referencing) - which is unhealthy.
We can never satisfy nor impress all the people. There will always be someone who is difficult, anti-social and whom we must avoid - not chat to or volunteer them information.
Without ability to discern toxic people we will end up being us happy and chatty slaves to toxic people who abuse and take advantage of our cheerfulness and our "charm".
---
YT "What social anxiety feels like 🥲"
"chances are there’s someone there who feels exactly the same as you do. So don’t stress too much about it"
Seems to me more like Borderline issue than social anxiety.
It easy to confuse those two, so let's make things clear:
Borderline is being obsessed with finding other person who will be your compass and confirm reality to you.
Social anxiety on the other hand is being stuck in toxic job or toxic ambient without exit.
So Borderline will be codependent and seek attention like narcissist,
while socially anxious person will try to govern own brain and own powers however due to trauma and toxic ambient this will not be possible.
Borderline is more obsessed with gathering sympathy and endless drama -
while socially anxious person is more focused on breaking free and becoming realized and having psychological safety (ventral vagal).
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YT "Jwaller on how to overcome social anxiety
"
He is talking about shyness.
Social anxiety by officical medical definition is fear of criticism and negative evaluation.
So social anxiety is not problem with social skills. It is more issue of trauma, being traumatized and being stuck in toxic ambient with narcissists and psychopaths (toxic shaming all the time and criticism and fault finding for bullies to feel grand and superior).
---
Codependency and external referencing locus of control and trauma bonding: when we depend on other people to feel good about ourselves.
Borderliners depend on other people to confirm back reality and this is the source of endless drama since reality does not make pact with us, reality is simply reality - and we cannot form it ourselves.
When we depend on other people to compliment us - this is also sign of narcissism - that we depend on narcissistic supply to feel good about ourselves.
Then when people are not welcoming, we will feel narcissistic collapse.
All these issues stem from Alcoholic abuse environment while growing up: ACoA.
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It does not work - because social anxiety is not about issue of talking to people.
It is handling toxic people, abusers, relentless criticism, unfair and false accusations by untreated mentally ill and evil psychopaths.
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Simply allow people to hate you. Don't control it or fix it. If you are not (hopefully) violent nor abusive person - there is no need for them to hate you - so it is not your responsibility to fix their mood swings.
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YT "🧠 Autism Social Anxiety #autism #actuallyautistic #aspergers #asd #ShortswithCamilla
"
Neurodivergents are exposed to constant and relentless criticism since childhood: 24/7 corrections and discipline and someone ordering how normal is suppose to be. This exposure to relentless criticism is equal to life with alcoholic abuse (ACoA), it is equal to being exposed to narcissistic abuse - even when the perpetrator has "good intentions".
Being exposed to constant explaining that someone's actions are wrong and abnormal and need corrections will make seed for deep toxic shame - deep core belief of being inept and abnormal and unworthy - and as adults this turns into social anxiety - trauma.
Neurodivergents will end up self censoring themselves - as any trauma is build on blockage and silence and inability to freely express and make honest true actions.
With Mathew Effect - one problem will attract additional problems: such as addictions, toxic habits and toxic people. Narcissists and Borderliners are instantly attracted to traumatized persons who self flagellate as learned in childhood and they join in to pathologizing the target.
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YT "Makin Wellness Social Anxiety
"
Nice surface level information. You covered about 15% of social anxiety, more-less. Probably less.
Crucial and important Things you missed to say in this video:
1) ACoA - social anxiety stems from exposure to alcoholic abuse , narcissistic abuse in childhood. This can be checked online with ACE test - the test is free, without login required, it is quick.
2) Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - Social anxiety can be sign of ADHD and neurodivergent brain, autism spectrum. This means social anxiety is not abnormal nor sickness nor diagnosis. The brain is simply working in different way than neurotypical brain.
3) Complex Trauma - social anxiety is not genetical. People are born only with two fears: loud noises and falling. Fear of criticism is specific trauma (not fear) which is acquired in toxic ambient with invalidation and projecting of some mentally ill person who is untreated onto the child over a long period of time. Trauma means blockage and inability to self express and be honest and authentic. Then false persona is built to conform to society's expectations about what "good" person is suppose to be. Trauma information teaches us about Triggers and Ventral Vagal and Emotional Regulation.
4) Masked and Functional. Social anxiety can be masked away, suppressed, denied - defense mechanisms. So Exposure to feared object will not work, it will lead to re-traumatization. Social phobia was renamed in mid 1990s because "experts" realized that social anxiety does not go away as any phobia does: with exposure to feared object. That is because social anxiety is neither fear nor phobia: it is trauma. Fear and trauma appear the same to incompetent "experts".
Social anxiety simply boils down to allowing other people to hate us. When we are not violent and abusive - there is no need for someone getting angry and hateful us. What they are doing with their hate and anger is manipulation and control. In alcoholic abuse we were programmed to serve angry people and fix their hatred - and that is social anxiety itself: urge to fix mood swings of other people around us.
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Basically you confirm what I said. You are now in devaluation stage, as any borderliner/narcissist is.
You refuse reality, you refuse facts and you attack me as if I am bad guy who is abusing you - so that you appear as poor victim.
Please get help.
Narcissism is severe mental illness. You are living in delusions and paranoia where objective truth, neutral facts, external information is perceived by you as a personal attack.
You will destroy people around you and make them into slaves who must shut up to your tyranny.
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YT "#shorts The secret to overcoming social anxiety
"
Social anxiety is not fear. It is trauma.
Trauma is not the same as fear.
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", I have social anxiety. But why think of it🗿🗿. I just ignore my anxiety and stay away from groups."
That is called dysfunctional Defense Mechanism and Trauma response Freeze and Flight.
It is called dysfunctional because
It will not help with anxiety - in fact it will make it bigger.
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YT "Social anxiety would never exist
"
If social anxiety would not exist we would be narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths - since our levels of agreeableness would be low.
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YT "How to no longer be anxious around people. Overcoming social anxiety
"
Social anxiety is trauma, it is not fear.
Trauma is not the same as fear.
When we think all people are our friends we will fawn to them, this is called Fawning, it is also trauma response as much as it is avoiding people. When we fawn to people we will develop codependency and invite narcissists to abuse us.
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YT "The story of social anxiety breaking me down #anxiety #socialanxiety
"
Being preoccupied with social confidence is shyness, it is not social anxiety.
Social anxiety is trauma - it stems from exposure to alcoholic narcissistic abuse while growing up: criticism and invalidation ambient of dysfunctional family dynamics.
Shy people are preoccupied with narcissistic issues such as being center of attention and being cool and being part of conformism.
On the other hand,
specific fear of criticism and fear of negative evaluation is not fear at all- these are trauma that are gained only in narcissistic abuse environment over long period of time during childhood when psyche was suppose to be in healthy ambient of love and acceptance to grow into healthy brain without open wounds.
Child is born only with two fears: fear of loud noises and falling. Hence, "Fear" of other people is not genetical. This is trauma issue.
Shyness and social anxiety are similar in panic symptoms - but there is huge difference in someone's goals.
Shy people are preoccupied with being confident and this is their number one goal in life.
Socially anxious are primarily focused on suppressed panic and intolerance of hatred and anger from other people (criticism) - due to alcoholic abuse trauma.
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YT "Kids Struggle With Social Anxiety Because They Grew Up Without Landline Phones
"
"Why wouldn’t cell phones accomplish the same exact thing ?"
He talks nonsense.
He is convinced that social anxiety is problem with will power and something to force out.
In reality, social anxiety is trauma and neurodivergence - there is nothing to fix.
He does actually makes a point why social anxiety keeps us trapped in rejection sensitivity.
When we were bullied as kids- we started to isolate ourselves and we missed important messages which "normal" kids exchanged between each other - and without this important data - we have not built our psyche to be immune to difficult people.
Things that kids say to each other like this:
The trick is: you have to feel good for no reason.
🟦Richard Bandler
The neurotic assumes too much responsibility; the person with a character disorder not enough. When neurotics are in conflict with the world, they automatically assume that they are at fault.
🟦Scott Peck
You shouldn't fear being hated.
🟥Izaak McCullough
I go out and I have a blast. I see people I know, watch show in a club, I talk. And it feels good, invigorated. And..next day I will feel anxious again about doing the same thing! You would think after so many times of positive reinforcement
🟥JamesCamacho
Actually it makes it worse to have a full Self. When a person is being violated to have a Self, to have reactions, to have boundaries actually just makes the violations worse, the attacks worse. The person learns to shut down.
🟥Daniel Mackler
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YT "Daniel On Shifting From Social Anxiety To Being More Outgoing"
Being more "outgoing" is called Masking, making social anxiety "Functional" and Compartmentalized.
In short - trauma is still there.
Quote:
"I go out and I have a blast. I see people I know, watch show in a club, I talk. And it feels good, invigorated. And..next day I will feel anxious again about doing the same thing! You would think after so many times of positive reinforcement"
🟥JamesCamacho
Michael Jackson had a severe social anxiety - which was Masked and Functional for him, he performed in front of billions of people without problem. However unprocessed trauma ended in tragedy for him.
Social anxiety can be suppressed and denied. This is called Dysfunctional Defense Mechanisms and it was discovered by Freud 100 years ago. It is called dysfunctional - because masking and repressing issues in life will not make them go away. They will fester. Trauma will fester inside our body.
Trauma stems from exposure to alcoholic abuse, narcissistic abuse while growing up: constant criticism and invalidation.
Desire to be conformist and part of groupthink and herd mentality stems from narcissism: it is narcissistic desire that other people admire us and that we appear grand to them, superiority complex- and that is only a dysfunctional technique how to handle toxic shame.
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" I try my best to use words like managing it instead of getting rid of it since that would indeed be problematic and unhealthy."
Making something to be manageable is also not much functional.
This will leave us in constant state of hypervigilance and being perfectionist - cleaning and obsessing over what needs to be managed- easily turns into fear of contamination and OCD issues.
Trauma needs healing. Not managing.
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I am not dismissive. I try to understand what you are trying to speak about.
You are talking incoherently - without meaning, without beginning nor end, it is cryptic, confusing and mysterious.
How you expect that anyone can help you - if you are not able to process and describe what you want to say in the first place.
You might as well write in Japanese, it is the same effect.
Start with the start. What is the problem?
Whom you asked for help for 6 years?
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YT "How to get over social anxiety? #purelifefacts #mentalhealth #selfcare
"
So many ableist crap.
1) challenging negative thoughts - leads to OCD and more anxiety. What we resist, persist said Jung. If we deny and suppress emotions - this leads to mental illness. Suppressing emotions is dysfunctional defense mechanism.
When we deny that there is a problem - we will end up stuck in toxic ambient with codependency.
2) Exposure will not help:
Quote:
"I go out and I have a blast. I see people I know, watch show in a club, I talk. And it feels good, invigorated. And..next day I will feel anxious again about doing the same thing! You would think after so many times of positive reinforcement"
🟥JamesCamacho
3) Fear. Social anxiety is not fear. It is trauma. Trauma and fear are not the same. They appear the same to someone who is not educated in psychology.
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YT "Your social anxiety ever make you feel like this? #socialanxiety #anxiety
"
You're describing the central worry of other people. This is officially called:
External referencing locus of control - where you depend on other people to feel good about yourself, approved by others and seen by others and being preoccupied with others and how they perceive you.
We were not born with this fear. This is only acquired in toxic ambient of toxic shaming and invalidation and socio-economic ambient such as lack of money for whatever reason.
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" what does this mean for me?"
It means that you never actually stopped and listen to your fears.
You simply run away from them and stifle them down, through suppression and repression and denial and masking.
--
" and all are on the spectrum of human emotions."
This word salad is called Intellectualization - it is yet another dysfunctional defense mechanism.
You simply stifle down your emotions and pretend they are fart, non existent smell in the background.
When we suppress our emotions - good or bad - we will develop mental illness and personality disorder - because you block yourself from receiving crucial data which our brain needs to come up with the best and healthiest solutions to ongoing problems and puzzles in life.
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Projecting. When you label other people you once again stifle down your own emotions and run away from them, and you tell more about yourself than about the other person what you try to shame.
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Every Monday I scan through the social anxiety theme on you tube.
Social anxiety is trauma and neurodivergence.
Many people mix up shyness with social anxiety.
Both shyness and social anxiety are based on self-censorship and silence and not expressing one's opinion.
You made social anxiety video - I talk and express my knowledge about social anxiety.
Many socially anxious people have no idea that there is trauma beneath it. Many will spend 10, 20 years in wrong explanations and not knowing what is going on.
That is why I post comments about social anxiety. So that people do not waste 30 years on wrong data like I did.
.---
The urge to avoid bad emotions is trauma. The urge to feel only positive emotions is trauma. IT is not realistic that as long as we are alive that no problems will occur.
We learned this urge to suppress bad emotions due to Alcoholic and para-alcoholic abuse - which we are not aware that it exists.
When we don't know the truth - we are zombie, we run on auto-pilot, like motorless boat in ocean - pushed around as waves push us.
Our only legal weapon to deal with trauma and problems in life is education is freedom of expression of that same education.
Secrecy, censorship is trauma- We can see that North Korea, Russia, China - any country based on lies and censorship is doomed to toxicity. Same applies to humans.
-
I think you miss the point here.
Social anxiety is for young people unexplored terrain that seem unimportant and easily "removed".
However - various ideas to "remove" emotions leads to mental illness. Without social anxiety one can become anti-social and criminal.
Social anxiety is not so bad as society tries to paint it as abnormal, weird and unsuccessful.
Narcissism and psychopathy and sociopathy can easily spring out of attempts to destroy social anxiety, as shown in this video - which is totally unrelated who uploaded, filmed it or screened it. Video owner is not important here at all.
---
(21.6.2023)
YT "Meditation For PTSD Isn't Always A Good Thing"
Totally agree.
Any reaction as a form of ritual to "fight" anxiety - leads to more anxiety , as Jung said What you resist, persist.
Many people use meditation (and medication) as a tool to suppress emotions - which leads to mental illness, as Freud said.
The purpose of mental health goal is to process emotions and difficult issues we face in life - to experience them fully so that our brain can come up with the best solutions. When we negate and deny the pain - we do not provide our brain enough information to get to the best solution - and we get stuck in anxiety instead.
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YT "Fear Of Communication After Narcissistic Abuse Is A Trauma Response #narcissist"
Narcissists have snapshot of reality and they defend this fantasy by censoring the truth that shows reality as it is.
They will censor anyone who tells the truth - through verbal psychological abuse - and the target of such abuse will develop fears as response to this training to be silent.
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(22.6.2023)
Yep. What I am talking about are concept called:
1) Coercive control
and
2) Unfavorable Power Dynamics.
Both terms are very similar.
Coercive control is currently trending on Twitter - it is more related to narcissistic abuse.
Power Dynamics is more-less related to mobbing.
In both cases we are presented false information from which we cannot confirm what is real (gaslighting) and we are in unfavorable position to do anything about it (mostly due to lack of money).
Then - any action to stand up for ourselves can end up in tragedy (femicide for example), and only sane and healthy thing to do are dysfunctional defense mechanisms - in order to survive the unfair pressure from which we cannot fight against.
Current medical industry is actually not helping victims of such abuse. CBT instructs us to self blame and self pathologize ourselves and that we enter into endless Karpman Drama Triangle even more.
CBT does not recognize that most of us do not have money or rich parents to save us.
Quote:
Dr. Christine Marie Cocchiola, TWITTER:
I’m a therapist. I was gaslit by my own therapists. I don’t think there was malice intent. I believe they didn’t understand coercive control. I went back to him 3 times & stayed longer bc I thought I needed to change. Therapists must be trained to understand coercive control.
Power dynamics occur in situations wherein one person can control the consequences of the action of another.
Example: Person A abuses the emotional attachment of person B in order to influence their actions under the threat of consequence
YT HealthyGamerGG
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"It’s not your role or job"
Yep, we all understand logically this fact.
However - the reason why we trauma bond with sick psychopath is due to ACoA - it is programming in childhood when exposed to long term narcissistic abuse in early age when our brain and psyche was forming - and when it suppose to get support, validation, love and acceptance.
Instead - our psyche was formed in ambient of coercive control and endless criticism - and now as an after-effect we have our unconsciousness running on auto-pilot and setting us up to serve and fawn to toxic people.
I am educating myself about Complex Trauma for 3 years now, I read about it, I know logically about it - yet it was only a week ago that I discovered by random chance, by a video which has nothing to do with trauma, the information that helped me to uncover unconscious belief which made me hypnotized:
that I allow other people to hate me. Without fixing myself or changing myself as as reaction to them hating me for whatever reason.
The word hate was the game changer for me.
I was convinced for 20+ years that I was afraid of people's opinion, as suggested by self-help books - and this explanation led me astray.
I was actually afraid of toxic people hating me- and now that I know, I only need to remind myself that it is okay that they hate, that they experience and show this emotion - without me fawning as automatic learned response to their anger.
Without education in psychology and Complex trauma I would not know that I need to process input data like that and what I need to do and why it is happening in the first place.
Without correct information I would be convinced that I must ""It’s not your role or job to fill their soul." - and this data would not help me at all - since it was trauma belief programming that was running the show behind the curtain of awareness.
Until the curtain is removed - no tip nor advice would help.
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"They don't adapt. Just get more sneaky . Then discard you . Sick individuals"
That is true - however her words apply to those who cannot escape contact with narcissists (due to finances, third party, immobility, bureaucracy, entrapment etc).
---
(25.6.2023)
"Most anxiety comes from a loss of connection with our own love for ourselves"
This is only partially true. Just like a blind man feeling elephant - will report what he will feel and it will depend on which side of elephant he is touching with his hands. Rashomon Effect.
While it is true that anxiety means lack of self love (self love deficit as Ross Rossenberg calls codependency)- there are also other factors, too.
First and foremost it is trauma. ACoA and dysfunctional environment while growing up. It is programming and hypnosis to fawn to anyone who is moody and angry and it is being stuck in state of being traumatized by anyone who is hateful. In this Complex Trauma state - we will automatically use defense mechanisms we learned in dysfunctional childhood - such as fawning and situational mutism activated by triggers and panic, trauma stuck inside the body, unprocessed.
Unfortunately self love is not sufficient to handle this - awareness and detailed explanation is needed here.
Secondly,
there is neurodivergency.
The very fact we feel anxiety is a sign of brain which is going through pathways inside the brain that "normal" people do not use - since their brain sends data in regular manner. Our brain on the other hand goes through the phase of suppression, detailed analysis, shock - and this is the cause of inability to process stimuli data in regular amount of time, while also gives the body to feel emotions and data and people in much deeper and detailed way than normal (neurotypical) brain would process it. IT is like having full HD 3D HEVC tv set inside our brain while normal people have analogue tv - fuzzy, unclear and a lot of information is not noticed and it is missed by brain to worry about.
So it is biological cause - which means self love and logic and understanding will not help much with anxiety - we simply need to accept it as a part of life and how brain works.
It would help to perceive anxiety as neutral as Elaine Aron suggested in her book "HSP".
Thirdly - there is environment factor.
If we feel anxiety - that is definite sign we do not have as much money as Maslow needs would require to move on the scale of needs to more fine matters such as art.
Socio-economic issue must never be under-estimated.
The same as biological cause - we cannot do nothing about it. For example - we might have money however we might live in sick and abnormal country like North Korea or Russia or the Balkans - and our money cannot buy things we need simply because there is nothing to buy - or things that are offered to attain are corrupt, fake and or toxic.
And lastly - loving ourselves is paradox.
This is not about loving ourselves at all.
IT is about loving our disgusting parts, parts which our brain blocks from our consciousness. So we are almost unable to love ourselves because it is too painful, too real and too hurtful to love ourselves - brain will simply distract us from reality.
I am talking about TV series Duckman from 1990s. The main character from this show is mixture of all our suppressed characteristics which we denied and block from our awareness - and these parts actually need loving ourselves: being rude, selfish, disgusting, ugly, smelly, annoying, irritating, inconsiderate.
We think through popular self help resources that loving ourselves means loving our scared parts or our body etc.
This is similar to Cinderella fairytale where we love evil sisters who have everything and are in the center of attention - while in the same time Cinderella is smelly, ugly and poor ignored by evil stepmother and sisters.
That is what "self love" concept from self help is instructing us to do - that we ignore Cinderella and show love to evil sisters.
That is the reason why "self love" from self help books does not work at all in real life.
We actually need to love something we don't want to acknowledge about us that is existing in the first place.
---
"are you referring to tensing up when anxious or stuck in fight or flight or something else?"
Yes, he is clearly describing uncomfortable panic symptoms.
These panic is actually trauma stuck inside us - it is residue of exposure to narcissistic and alcoholic abuse while growing up when we were supposed to be validated and loved and accepted in psychological safety environment.
There are actually 4F trauma responses. Fight, flight, freeze and Fawn.
---
26.6.2023
"What if you walk into a party and no one is smiling and don't acknowledge you?"
You are making great point here - and that social situations are complex.
What party are we talking about here?
Is it office party - where you have job position to meet other clients so you must be friendly with others?
Is it New Year party where everyone is drunk and unaware who is who?
Is it swingers orgy party who look at genitalia of other people?
Is it a teen party where girlies are obsessed how others are dressed and mock them while guys are obsessed with vagina?
Is it mixed party - with 2 or 3 person in the room, or is it 200 people inside?
Would you not pay attention if other people do not acknowledge you if this does not depend on your job.
You would pay attention if you are a prostitute and you must make bucks by mixing with other clients on a party.
Also,
desire to be admired by others is narcissism - so narcissistic abuse is crucial and it goes hand in hand with social anxiety - since social anxiety develops in ambient of alcohol/narc abuse.
We have trauma issues here too - previous bad experiences - that needs to be processed such as being ok with other people hating us for whatever reason. Trauma can be tested with ACE tests online available for free and without login required.
And then there is one tid bit of neurodivergence - where we accept our brain as it is - with whatever way it process data and stimuli - and that we do not reject it, not govern it in more pressure and strain but through acceptance and validation in alignment with our goals in life and our character as a person.
I need to know if I am open and agreeable person - we can test our personality with Big5 test - available online for free.
IT is useless to correct and discipline our personality if we are adults. We can help it grow instead of disciplining it like in a circus.
---
YT "Can Signals Help You Overcome Social Anxiety?"
There is a major flaw with this approach.
When we make other people as our anchor - this is called External referencing.
This means that we see other people as gods who must acknowledge us, admire us and we must be accepted by others in order to feel good about ourselves.
This leads to Fawning, people pleasing, and becoming codependent.
Intrinsic locus of control is when we are ourselves as we are - our true personality.
If I am introvert - I would not like much being a centre of attention and talking loud jokes.
If I try to - I would be over-compensating - and this is part of inferiority complex - superiority complex, where I try to mimic other people and mask my true identity by acting something I am not.
--
"Well we feel extreme terror when eyes turn to us"
This needs closer examination.
There are two reasons why this terror extreme exists:
1) due to trauma - being bullied, exposed to alcoholic narcissistic abuse while growing up when our psyche was supposed to be grown in loving accepting validating environment but got relentless criticism instead 24/7.
When we learn about ACoA and Dysfunctional Families "lanudry list" - then we learn that we need to be okay with other people hating us - and this acceptance of other's hate will make "social anxiety" dissipate.
2) neurodivergence - where our brain is processing information stimuli in much deeper manner than neurotypical people (conformist, groupthink, herd mentality).
Then neurotypicals will repeat to us from small age - that the way we process data and stimuli is scary, weird, abnormal - and now instead of seeing being HSP as neutral - we are labeled and stigmatized by neurotypicals as abnormal and afraid and neurotic - and we play into role which other people impressed and hypnotized us into.
Quotes to consider:
BF Skinner:
"Society attacks early, when the individual is helpless. It enslaves him almost before he has tasted freedom. The 'ologies' will tell you how its done Theology calls it building a conscience or developing a spirit of selflessness. Psychology calls it the growth of the superego."
---
"Nobody greets me because I have no friends anymore
"
Why we would not have friends?
1) Is it because we are narcissistic and abuse other people?
2) Is it because we live in toxic shame culture environment where other people are difficult and shaming and tough to hang around with due to relentless criticism which serves them as ego booster - to put out other people down all the time.
3) Is is socio-economic issue - which has nothing to do with anxiety: lack of money
4) Is it due to exposure to Alcoholic narcissistic abuse while growing up where our sense of self worth was destroyed and replaced by self-generating toxic shame and isolation from others - which needs healing.
5) Is it due to codependency, fawning and unsuccessful defense mechanisms we learned in toxic childhood from toxic ambient in order to survive the pressure? Like having titanium shell to survive catastrophic pressure around us.
We are social creatures, interdependency is in our genes- if we have issues with connecting with other people - this needs closer examination and healing and making choices and decisions in life - like relocating from toxic ambient.
When we are isolated - we will get sick - physically and mentally, our immune system will go down if we are inside toxic ambient - either isolated or filled with narcissists and aggressive borderliners.
---
"You're looking around to see that people are minding their own business."
Not all are minding their business.
There are predators out there -
like mad scientist who are hoovering over next victims to invite and spend money to their non-tested submersibles.
There are narcissists out there who are causing mental illness in other people just by being in contact with such narc.
---
" how you conquer social anxiety."
Without social anxiety we would become narcissistic, psychopaths and sociopaths.
Social anxiety is not sickness not abnormality.
What we are talking here in the terms of "disorder" are things non -related to social anxiety per se:
1) trauma
2) neurodivergence.
Trauma needs healing and exposure
while neurodivergence needs validation and acceptance.
Conquering is more neuroptypical narcissistic approach in life which is mentally ill and leads to Andrew Tate and Ruch Stockton crazy ideas to ignore safety standards.
---
"Pay attention to the one in front of you"
Socially anxious are already paying attention a lot - that is social anxiety.
Due to trauma and bullying and exposure to invalidation and correcting of neurodivergence - socially anxious are already zoomed into other people.
They watch closely how others are reacting, they watch their tone of voice and facial expression and expect new attack and shaming and put down and criticism - due to unresolved trauma of being exposed to Alcoholic and narcissistic abuse dysfunction while growing up.
Socially anxious people are already present at other people a lot and it is too much stimuli to bare - that is the reason for isolation.
To third parties, to CBT and to drunk Jordan Peterson - this isolation will appear as not being present in the moment - but socially anxious are very much present in the moment . Too much in fact, it is like being present with microscope and watching social interaction on microscopic zoomed closely DNA detail where any change hurts and it is painful to experience. Due to trauma and neurodivergence.
That is why social anxiety is called social+anxiety.
It is social element in anxiety.
IT is not called self-anxiety, there is no fear of own panic -
the panic stems from other people.7
Socially anxious people do not get anxious panic when alone or with safety environment around them,
panic starts with other people who are unknown and potential threat - and other people trigger unresolved unprocessed trauma stuck inside their bodies.
---
Social anxiety existed before phone mania.
Phones are not the cause of social anxiety issues - and removing them will not remove social anxiety.
---
Idea that you must perceive positive signal from others is called codependency, it is fawning, it is trauma bonding, it is external referencing locus of control, it is narcissism (expecting others to admire our grandeur).
---
"The feeling that you are accepted and welcome.
"
This is called Borderline-
You depend on other people to reflect reality back to you.
IF they are accepting and welcoming you feel good about yourself.
IF they are not accepting and welcoming, you attack them.
This is mental illness.
---
The point of being healthy is that we find our persona, personality - and that we initiate our own parties - with people who have same interest as we are.
That we become active in life and go for our dreams and not because of approval of others and not for seeking admiration from others.
When we are talking about work stuff - this is called Masking and making social anxiety Functional. It is putting on Jung Mask of being social, in order to achieve certain goal (to keep your job so you can pay bills and food).
---
" but that how you overcome anxiety."
Stifling down our emotions leads to mental illness.
If we live with someone who poops in our bed - it is okay to feel anxiety. It is signal that something is wrong and needs our attention.
If we ignore it - this person will sue us for being rapist and try to steal our money and destroy our career.
....
Social anxiety is not sickness.
If we sense toxic people - and suppress it - we will end up with toxic people around us exploiting us and we will fawn and trauma bond with them in orgy of being codependent to them.
---
When we focus on other people that is called codependency, trauma bonding, fawning, people pleasing, being pushover and external reference locus of control - where we depend on other people to explain us reality and we measure our life on other people's opinions - that will end up as borderline issue, narcissism at worst.
---
When human mind goes through alcoholic and narcissistic abuse in childhood dysfunctional ambient - the brain will naturally develop defense mechanisms such as expecting danger.
This is not sickness nor abnormality - this is how brain is suppose to work.
We are talking here about trauma and healing trauma.
Nitpicking symptoms of trauma is the same as trying to control the weather.
All you can do is buy umbrella for rainy days, sandals for summer sunny days and scarf for winter and autumn days. That part is in your control. We can also choose not to pollute our planet so that climate doesn't go awry.
The temperature outside is outside of your control and it is useless to lament, think, worry and control the outside elements , outside of our control.
---
okay, but this chat approach works for 0.2% of social situations. However in 99.8% (aka real life) this approach does not work.
Why would you force yourself with someone who might be narcissistic and toxic? Someone who will end up pooping in your bed? Why would you want to be do desperate to cling and be clingy and to beg strangers for talking in order not to appear lonely?
---
It is not actually fear. It is trauma.
It appears as "fear" to untrained eye.
---
YT "How to Overcome Social Anxiety
"
1) You mix up social anxiety with social anxiety disorder. These are two separate concepts.
Social anxiety is not abnormality - it is not sickness. Without it, we would be psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists - mentally ill person without empathy and consideration about other people - we would be anti-social.
2) Putting neurotypical labels "Disorder" onto something we find unusual is called neurotypical approach. This quick labeling leads to hyper-cognition - and that leads to bias and prejudices and stigma - more anxiety and more fear.
When someone is abused - and if you stick label "disorder" on the victim of abuse - this target of abuse will develop additional toxic shame on top of the existing one. Label will make new damage.
3) Genetic - this is untrue. False information can create hypnosis and brainwashing - and more stigma and labels.
In reality - we are only born with two fears:
You are born with only two fears: fear of falling and fear of loud noise. All the rest is learned. And it's a lot of work!
🟦Dr Richard Bandler
So, we are not born with fear of difficult people nor fear of criticism. This kind of fear is actually not fear at all - it is trauma.
4) "Managing triggers"
Nope- This will not work. You cannot make something dysfunctional to be functional. It is still dysfunctional. Wronger than wrong concept. When you nitpick mistake, it is still mistake. If you make errors, you will still be making errors even if you do error in a correct manner.
5) Public speaking is not social anxiety. This is another form of issue, not related to social anxiety.
6) Gradual exposure.
Social anxiety is not phobia. That is why social phobia was renamed in mid 1990s when CBT "Experts" discovered that social anxiety does not go away with exposure. It becomes masked and functional, but trauma is still there. Quote:
"I go out and I have a blast. I see people I know, watch show in a club, I talk. And it feels good, invigorated. And..next day I will feel anxious again about doing the same thing! You would think after so many times of positive reinforcement"
🟥JamesCamacho
Phobias are cured with exposure to feared object.
Social anxiety is not fear. Social anxiety is trauma.
Trauma is not the same as fear. It appears as fear to untrained eye.
7) Sit with those discomfort without judgement.
This is the same as to say go to OceanGate submersible and ignore any cracking sounds.
8) Self compassion does not mean stifling down uncomfortable emotions and pretending they do not exist.
9) Build resilience and tolerance - this is CBT neurotypical explanation of anxiety and trauma. Trauma is not matter of will. It is not issue of will power. Trauma is experience of shock which was uncalled for and unprocessed and it is stuck inside the body. It has nothing to do with lack of strength or being strong nor weak enough.
10) Becoming comfortable with uncomfortable feelings is enabling abuse and ignoring red flags. This is advice to be stuck inside Karpman Drama Triangle while your psychotic girlfriend is pooping in your bed and contemplate to ruin your career and steal your money. Narcissists and psychopaths are in authority and boss positions - because we are all brainwashed to be "comfortable with uncomfortable". This CBT crap serves only psychopaths and no one else.
11) CBT is not science and it was not proven at all. CBT has a lot of criticism which CBT denies like Rush Stockton ignoring safety criticism. CBT is form of narcissistic abuse, it is ableist and brainwashing. CBT bans information about trauma due to pharma mafia making huge money profit on neurosis and abuse.
12) Challenging thoughts lead to Pink Elephant paradox - more of intrusive thoughts.
Any ritual to anxiety leads to more anxiety. What you resist, persist.
13) Accepting your anxiety is in contrary to CBT crap you were talking earlier.
Suppressing emotions leads to mental illness.
14) Relaxation - is neurotypical nonsense.
15) Mindfulness: "The self-absorption paradox describes the contradictory association whereby higher levels of self-awareness are simultaneously associated with higher levels of psychological distress and with psychological well-being."
Idea that we equate our emotions to our personality will lead to personality disorder. CBT ought to be banned. IT is doing incredible psychological damage to traumatized victims of abuse.
Social anxiety stems from exposure to Alcoholic and narcissistic abuse in childhood - and that is where education and understanding can be found at - not in self pathologizing.
---
There is comment in my inbox by person called Alisa - her comment got deleted and I only have partial message:
she said:
"Alisa replied: "ranc1buddy there’s a lot to unpack here but let’s start with what tweckyy said. i would argue 9 times out of 10 you get a good conversation flowing, small talk if you will, after that it depends on...""
The social anxiety is not issue with parties.
Michael Jackson had severe social anxiety - yet his anxiety was Functional and Masked : he performed in front of billions of people without any trouble.
Yet his unresolved trauma - behind the veil of masked social anxiety - ended in tragedy.
We are talking here about trauma,
being traumatized.
This is not issue of going to parties and making small chat. All that nonsense can be skilled, masked, veiled, covered, covert, functional, compartmentalized and hidden.
We need to talk here about trauma which is motorized by internalized toxic shame -
which occurred by exposure to alcoholic and narcissistic abuse (constant criticism) in childhood dysfunctional ambient.
That is what we need to uncover and expose to light - not our yacking and chat party nonsense.
---
YT "There is no easy way to conquer social anxiety #socialanxiety #anxiety"
There is nothing to conquer actually.
It is more issue of understanding trauma, education about trauma and now having more choices available regarding how to recognize red flags, avoid toxic people and build better healthier choices in life - rather than reacting and running on auto pilot of toxic shame.
---
YT "How I improved my social anxiety
"
Social anxiety is not sickness. It appears as abnormality - but it is not flaw. It is reaction to trauma.
Similarly like if you step out side into rain, you will get wet.
Now getting wet is not normal, it is not comfortable - but this is what happens when you are out in the rain. The rain is not your persona. Being wet is not your choice - you cannot control the weather. You can learn about umbrella and buy it.
In the same way -
social anxiety is result of trauma - being in alcoholic and narcissistic ambient of criticism and toxic control and perfectionism while growing up.
This trauma means - this is not something we can logically reason away.
Nor it is issue of will power.
In fact - if you decide to mask and make anxiety functional - this will turn into narcissism. And then you will spread social anxiety onto the next generation - since you will be rude to other people while you will see this aggression as "weapon" against social anxiety. In reality - what is happening is narcissism.
Narcissism is building fake image of superiority. IT is building a fake persona, fake personality built on fighting toxic shame - which stems from alcoholic and narcissistic abuse exposure in childhood.
Talking to strangers will lead to codependency, borderline issues, trauma bonding and people pleasing.
Comfort zone - we have seen how comfort zone and negating safety ends up in Ocean Gate tragedy.
If comfort zone concept works - then third world countries would be organized and without crime - since they are totally immersed in chaos all the time. Yet they do not built into normal country at all. So Comfort zone myth is myth, it does not work in real life.
Being preoccupied with money and career is also trauma response. Accumulating money to be superior.
Being preoccupied with what people want leads to codependency and trauma bonding and people pleasing and fawning - this is also trauma response.
Trauma will run our life, we will be on auto pilot, like a zombie- when we are not educated in trauma and when we are not aware that trauma concept exists.
We will be convinced that building superior personality will somehow protect us from trouble and negative experiences. It won't. We will spend a tons of money and energy on being preoccupied with other people and how to please them. That is dysfunctional.
Social anxiety - if we get rid of it - we will become narcissists, psychopath, sociopath, anti-social.
Being open and agreeable is not abnormality - that is Big5 Personality trait.
Suppressing emotions such as anxiety will lead to mental illness.
---
YT "How To Deal With Social Anxiety? 3 Steps Revealed #howto #socialanxiety #benefits"
1) Trauma is cause of social anxiety. Our brain will protect us from the truth, abusers will do everything to blame us for anything - which means we won't have much information or data to realize the root cause of social anxiety: exposure to alcoholic narcissistic abuse while growing up.
2) Ask questions will lead to codependency, trauma bonding and being pushover
3) Empaths already listen.
---
YT "How I Used Discord to Help my Social Anxiety
"
Yep, social anxiety stems from being exposed to Alcoholic narcissistic dysfunctional ambient in early age when our psyche was suppose to be validated, accepted, loved and safe. Instead - it got endless hysteria and criticism all the time about smallest issues 24/7.
Social anxiety is like having parents like Rush Stockton - someone who disregard safety and puts us in high pressure environment without protective shield. We feel pressure cracking - that is social anxiety.
While normal people have like Cameron parents - those who use high solid material for deep dive - they dive with two submersible vehicles and with a light and they test a lot, they do not push limits.
With social anxiety we were raised in toxic high pressure ambient - and our psyche is created in alcoholic narcissistic ambient - similar to Ocean Gate submersible which was not made with titanium 100% - but there was experimental carbon material which cannot withstand high pressure of deep dive.
That is trauma -
we need to learn how to dive, how to test, how to have strong material instead of being obsessed with status and narcissism as alcoholic were harming us when we were children and when we were suppose to learn how to be social and how to deal with difficult people.
We are talking here about healing trauma and creating healthy mind and making healthy decisions.
---
(27.6.2023)
" This discussion is getting a bit too heated"
There are no curse words.
Nobody is threatening with violence.
With trauma we tend to interpret talking and opinions as dangerous - due to exposure to alcoholic abuse dysfunction as children.
Now we cannot tolerate social situations because any expression of opinion appears as "heated".
Trauma needs to be healed for socially anxious.
Complex PTSD is not the same as regular PTSD which applies to soldiers and horrific one time event.
---
"Sorry for not turning your thread into an echo chamber and sorry for voicing a different opinion"
Socially anxious due to exposure to alcoholic abuse in childhood tend to self censor - and even shut up others due to inability to tolerate any kind of social communication which is perceived as painful and hurtful.
This information you miss. You try to convince socially anxious to become strong. They can't.
They were being raised with ambient similar to OceanGate where their shield from pressure is made from carbon - which easily cracks under pressure. That is social anxiety - being raised in alcoholic environment and our shield cracks easily.
While on the other hand normal people were having Cameron as protection figure who provided the shield made of titanium which can withstand the pressure.
We need to visualize what is happening with social anxiety - in order to know what is our direction in life.
We need to replace our body shield - so that it can withstand the social pressure without implosion.
That cannot be done through your methods: being "strong" or exposing, that is Rush Stockton carbon material.
Titanium material would be that we accept ourselves as we are - quiet, weird, dumb, strange, or whatever - to accept our dark sides, strange sides, awkward stages - that is our Titanium that will make us strong in the abyss.
---
"I already apologised for voicing a different view"
I really hope you are getting something from my words. I am not writing all this to shame you or make you wrong or to beat you down.
I am talking here about social anxiety, that we do not waste our life in building fake image but to be truly authentic self.
---
1) that people with social anxiety don't have social skills is a myth.
Socially anxious are empaths - they have amazing social skills: listening to others without judging or interrupting, that is social skill which 80 percent of people do not have
2) The reason why they are not "present" is due to exposure to alcoholic abuse and dysfunctional ambient in childhood (constant criticism)
3) That is why exposure will be re-traumatization. Exposure will not make anyone traumatized to be non-traumatized and "Strong". Social anxiety is not issue of will power nor being lazy. It is a form of PTSD.
In WW2 general MacArthur also thought that ptsd was being lazy and not being strong enough - so he slapped the traumatized soldiers. Trauma is not the same as fear. That is why it is called trauma.
---
"Like, once the anxiety or doubt becomes normal and you aren't trying to escape it... You're kinda... Ok. You do your thing. Sometimes you chat some people, sometimes u don't."
You described here the process for shyness.
Social anxiety is not going to parties and adjusting yourself to party.
Social anxiety is being stuck at toxic job with screaming and yelling and blaming all the time by all people around you- boss and colleagues and clients. That is social anxiety: being in high pressure ambient all the time.
This happens due to exposure to alcoholic abuse in childhood - and in adulthood socially anxious won't have ability to withstand any kind of social pressure. Everything any social interaction will be painful. Due to unprocessed trauma, which is stuck inside the body.
There are numerous hypnosis orders inside traumatized person which are in the form of intrusive thoughts:
The main internal critic is that socially anxious person must not be hated by others. This hypnosis is covert and without education in complex PTSD, socially anxious cannot understand what it going on - it is like being on auto-pilot.
--
" If there are people if a full circle, I don't want to walk into it."
There is nothing wrong with that.
And this is exactly why CBT is doing so much pathological damage -
because we end up self pathologizing ourselves.
We end up self blaming ourselves when we are being rational, kind and sensitive to other people.
We end up believing we are abnormal for not wanting to be intrusive and clingy and boring.
The truth is - unless we are serial killers - there is nothing wrong with our choices, decisions and beliefs around how we ought to communicate with other people.
CBT is instructing us to develop severe toxic shame and puts incredible social pressure that we are perfect hollywood image of grandiosity and charm.
---
"The removal of the phones will actually cause more anxiety nowadays"
Without phones - traumatized will only find another way to escape the pressure.
We are talking here about Defense mechanisms. It was discovered by Freud 100 years ago.
Defense mechanisms are not bad, they are not pathological - they help us survive the pressure and potential suicide idealization.
They are "wrong" only because they don't allow us to process reality and allow the brain to come up with solutions and decisions.
Actual problem is toxic shame and trauma, exposure to narcissistic abuse - which is distorting our regulation and ability to handle pressure.
Similar to having carbon material for the submersible - instead of having full titanium like other people which would help us get through the pressure.
---
YT "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, Projection and Social Anxiety"
Social anxiety is not being judgmental towards people. It is the opposite: self blame and self pathologizing.
Being judgmental towards other people is Fight response in trauma. Socially anxious traumatized individuals are in Fawning trauma response and Flight and Freeze, too. When they are adults, when they must work and go to job - flee and freeze turns into fawning and being people pleaser and pushover.
The quickest way to "remove" social anxiety is covert and overt narcissism. Then the person no longer has social anxiety - it is mental illness now. By definition social anxiety is "fear" (trauma actually) of criticism and negative evaluation.
In narcissism it is mild schizophrenia, fragile ego and defense mechanisms of attacking and being aggressive towards people who notice cracks in narcissists fake mask and idealized fantasy image. This level of aggression and intolerance of reality is no longer social anxiety.
Most narcissists and borderliners will fake and mimic social anxiety - consciously or unconsciously in order to attract new victims to abuse. Again - this parasitical destruction of empaths and sensitive socially anxious traumatized people pleasers who have true social anxiety - is not social anxiety. Narcissistic desire to suck onto narcissistic supply is governed by evil. That is not social anxiety. That's being anti-social.
Truly socially anxious person will shut up and self censor. They will not attack other person. They will have catastrophizing thoughts, deep toxic shame which they will not project onto others.
Social anxiety stems from Alcoholic abuse and Dysfunctional Families. It is by-product of exposure to narcissistic abuse in childhood when child developing brain was supposed to receive love, acceptance, validation but instead it got criticism all the time and drama about smallest things - like any event is hysteria and potentially death drama. Being in that trauma - empaths will never ever spread that kind of anxiety and trauma onto other people. Narcissists will, that is how they get rid of their toxic shame, narcissists will project onto others and think others are attacking them. Socially anxious people will think others are hating them. That is the difference - and actually a clue how to heal social anxiety trauma: to be ok with people hating them.
---
YT "Narcissists and Icebergs: What You Don't See WILL Hurt You!"
Incredibly deep content. Unfortunately most people are not educated in Freud nor Jung so they do not really understand concepts discussed here and how it is related to their own life and their social ambient. It will appear as abstract and non-relatable to most people.
Most people without psychological education will fail to connect these dots:
that our instinct gut feeling and common sense which appear as panic and social anxiety inside us, which CBT explains away as "cognitive distortion(s)", "hallucination(s)" and "false description" - is actually picking up the signals which are covert and hidden by toxic abusers /predators. We are having x-ray radar sonar and actually see iceberg parts hidden under water - which most people will never see, nor perceive and gaslight us into being hysterical for reacting to seeing the hidden evil.
Another interesting and deep content here is difference between narcissists and victims/targets of narcissism.
They will both appear the same to the third party.
Both narcissists and victims of narcissism will be isolated, without friends and with difficulty to have job - and both will have hard time with criticism at job or daily activities. However there is difference which is not observable to an untrained eye-
narcissists are extremely vocal and they blame others a lot.
Those who are targets of narcissism on the other hand will be mostly silent, self censor themselves. Unlike predators, they will be extremely focused on finding win-win solutions and resolutions - while narcissists are preoccupied in harming someone who bothers them in any way possible (gossip, verbal abuse, violence).
Also - the difference is in how victims of narcissists will react to tips and advice to blame others as a discovery, and it will appear as some miracle hack that is totally new (and it is radical solution for empaths since being evil to others in smallest amount is not in their genes) - while on the other hand narcissists will not react to it, since they are already having the mentality of projecting and blaming others since childhood. I'm talking about tips like "it's really not your fault". "You did your best, others are not so conscientious as you, others could help you, "You are allowed to make mistakes and be imperfect" etc).
---
(28.6.2023)
YT "What if You're Scared of Confrontation?"
Wikihow is such a crappy resource.
I read wikihow how to deal with conflict in 2019 - and it gave this surface level information that does nothing.
It made things worse - since it left be behind the veil and instruct me to fuse my panic with my self worth, which leads to mental illness: emotional fusion.
By chance (by reading general health book which included random information about triggers and trauma), only after 2021 I have learned about Complex Trauma - and with time I got true and real information which WikiCrap does not cover at all.
The fear of conflict stems from ACoA - it is being in dysfunctional ambient while growing up.
There is nothing we can do to logically change fear - since this is not fear at all. it is trauma. Also it is neurodivergency too - so it is biological - meaning there is no problem in our will or will power or being strong nor it is related to being resilient or other CBT self pathologizing self blaming narcissistic crap.
Trauma and fear appear the same to third party -
and if you go into explanation about "fear" of conflict - if you do not explain it what it really is - you are actually doing psychological damage to people who seek information about it.
---
YT "Overcoming Fear | #shortsfacts | #fear | #motivation"
Titan members embraced outside of comfort zone and now they are dismembered.
It is not fear - it is trauma. Fear and trauma are not the same. It appears the same to untrained eye, someone who doesn't know deep psychology.
When we fuse fear with trauma and think it is fear - we will create mental illness.
We will be convinced we are weak . and that we must over-compensate our "weakness".
This leads to narcissism and borderline and other mental health sickness.
The panic, the "fear" stems from exposure to alcoholic dysfunctional narcissistic ambient while growing up - where our brain was not nurtured - but instead got exposed to trauma of constant criticism and hysteria about smallest things. That is not fear. That is trauma. It will appear as fear in our adult years.
---
"diversity brings many opportunities"
Over generalizations are not healthy.
Sometimes it is great to hear diversity - it gives us tool to beat Rashomon Effect and egocentrism.
However - when we are too much open to others - predators and narcissists will take advantage of our openness and agreeableness. Sometimes it is okay to tell someone off.
---
YT "Overcome Inferiority Complex 👆
"
This means we accept parts of ourselves which toxic people nitpick and put down and mock.
Our inner critic too: when we feel ugly, stupid, when we make errors, when we are not perfect, when we are not hollywood standard of superhuman. It is accepting parts which we ignore and stifle down, which make us feel ashamed of ourselves and others to see.
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"no matter how hard I try, due to neurological limitations... doesn't that mean that from the subjective context and parameters of our specific relationship, I have a behavioral and/or communications defect? "
From psychological stance - being accepting, listening, having empathy - that is never limited.
If you are not serial killer, if you have no hidden desire to harm and cause serious damage to others - there is nothing defective inside you.
When we think we must be perfect, that we have some imaginary duty to be accepted by someone - that is area of toxic shame - which narcissists take advantage of us.
They sniff our trauma of being exposed to alcoholic abuse as children and that we were been trained to serve dysregulated people and fix their emotions and make them feel comfortable - and now we repeat this unconscious trauma training by trying to be perfect, without mistakes and serviceable to others. When we do not meet that inhuman superhuman standards - we feel defective and limited and unacceptable-
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When we have empathy - it means that we are naturally considerate and feel other people and help them. In childhood this ability stems from exposure to narcissistic abuse early on and alcoholic abuse. This means - we will have high signal alarms that we will detect even smallest amounts of narcissism in other people - even the healthy amount of narcissism will trigger our alarms.
Problem starts when and if we self pathologize these signals and alarms.
CBT - this means 90 percent of self help books and online resources will join into self hysteria - and explain our alarms as fears - something that is broken inside us, that we are weak for feeling panic and fear and sensations of dread.
We need to understand that we are not broken and that it is natural thing inside us to detect predators - which are almost always hidden, covert - and they appear as normal, healthy and sane to the most people.
We really need to start to trust our gut instinct - no matter what conformist society will label us as snowflakes and other toxic shaming labels.
---
Yes.
Iceberg allegory is excellent one to explain the human mind.
As we learn more data about Titan tragedy - we learn that under the deep pressure there are certain reactions which are trauma: there is compression, there is implosion, there is sudden high temperature.
These are all found in psychology of trauma, too.
The Titan itself - made from carbon - it is clear allegory for anyone growing up in alcoholic abuse - where our materiel shield was controlled and manipulated by someone narcissistic like Stockton. Now later in life - when we go into depth- our shield starts to crack - as carbon is bad material for submersibles, too.
On the other hand, those who were lucky to have parent figures like Cameron - have their shield material made from titanium - which can withstand the deep pressure. This is clear allegory of functional homes which did not experience alcoholic abuse dysfunction.
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" I just can't get though to inferiority complex of mine."
There are many reasons why.
1) usually it is socio-economic - without money we cannot do more in life nor experiment
2) we might be in victim mode, learned helplessness due to exposure to trauma such as constant criticism while growing up
3) we might be in contact with mentally ill people such as narcissists and borderliners - and we might not know they are sick and hence have no boundaries nor any kinds of limitations when they abuse us
4) due to trauma - we might be in auto-pilot, we live under the veil of true reality - without education about narcissistic abuse - other people can manipulate and control us easily, and we get stuck in fear and what seems like fear to us, but it in fact entraining (Vaknin). In short - we run on hypnotic commands and orders and we are no aware that this is happening, we just simply follow our urges naturally as they appear natural to us
5) we might have neurodivergent mind - which has learned to gather information in different manner than neurotypicals (most people). One of such way is to play victim, to be inferior and to play pretend to be weak as a way how brain collects data. This is now biological cause and nothing logically can "correct" it - in fact, disciplining and changing will make things worse
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"just threw a bunch of therapy buzzwords together that don't at all mean what you think they mean."
This literally applies to you, too.
Obviously you think you are god figure without any mistakes and errors in thinking, which is egocentric and narcissistic.
"you don't need to constantly seek out positive signals for personal validation"
Telling other people what they need is condescending and patronizing. Please stop it.
You do this because you feel toxic shame and you project and transfer your mental illness onto other people - so that other people are labeled as crazy by you- while you are keeping your grandeur posture of superiority over wounded others who are somehow weak and confused while you are presented as image of superiority and strength.
Extremely toxic and narcissistic and mentally ill.
"You are depending on others for your mental and emotional well-being, which is not healthy. "
You are projecting here.
You know you are mentally ill and narcissistic, you are ashamed for being broken - and instead of owning your mental illness you project it onto others to feel better about yourself.
My comments are about general information and education - they are not judgmental nor instructing nor shaming now commanding.
Yours post are -
this is because you feel criticized due to narcissism.
You literally have mental illness- you live in distorted reality where you interpret general neutral information as personal insult, as any narcissist.
---
YT "The Science of Emotion Regulation: How Our Brains Process Emotions"
A year ago Tracey was more ableist than now, a few of my somewhat critical comments about the dangers of CBT set her straight and awoke her to new dimensions in psychology.
She needs a lot more to learn.
There are things she did not mention here:
1) Neurodivergency.
Our brain might not process information as most people (neurotypicals). This is not abnormality, but it will appear as dysregulation to third party or ableist therapist. When we label ourselves as disorder - we will create more additional and unnecessary damage to our psyche. This means we need to accept ourselves as we are and not make drama and hysteria about how our brain process stimuli. I am talking here about HSP.
Dr Dodson said that neurodivergents such as ADHD are exposed to 20,000 negative words of criticism and discipline and correction up to age of 12 - and this relentless criticism by ableist society of our brain how it's processing stimuli - is causing phenomena called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - fear of criticism.
2) Alcoholic abuse -
Tracey states early trauma in her video - but she is not specific enough. IT is Alcoholic abuse: where we are exposed to constant criticism while growing up and hysteria and relentless drama 24/7 in early age when our mind supposed to receive nurture, safety and validation to grow into resilient brain.
This is similar to a submersible created by carbon fiber which breaks under pressure - while normal kids have a parent like Cameron who makes submersible out of titanium which can withstand the pressure. Titanium here would be total acceptance of ourselves and being validating and accepting of our flaws, mistakes, errors and imperfections - instead of shaming them (equal to carbon fiber allegory).
When we are as children set to fix other people's anger - we won't have ability to regulate ourselves, other people's emotions will quickly dysregulate us, we won't be able to withstand the pressure as other people - due to exposure to wrong training as children.
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Calling anything about Autism as a "disorder" is ableist - and this quick labels are doing more damage than good. It is stigma - and it does not help with stimuli processing. This inability to understand neurodivergent brain is called ableism.
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YT "The Real Reason You Overthink Decisions - Emotional Regulation and Executive Function #shorts
"
Overthinking could be sign of high intelligence. It is a way to process information from all sides to avoid Rashomon Effect and egocentrism (seeing only one angle).
--
Things not mentioned in video:
1) guilt is sign of manipulation and control by psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists, mentally ill people, the criminally insane.
Guilt and shame are tools of brainwashing to control and manipulate easy targets: normal healthy people with high moral and ethical standards
2) Alcoholic abuse -
when we grow up in dysfunctional ambient our brain will be trained to fix other people's emotions, problems and their discomfort. This will happen on auto-pilot under the veil of our awareness, like hypnosis - and the only clue we will have is feeling of guilt. Therefore - covering up guilt with nitpicking and blaming our brain is doing even more damage.
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@basakaybasakay5000 " we do need some kind of reference for the beginning of the treatment"
That is the central problem.
DSM is turning into modern Bible - where we put our trust and faith into ideology.
DSM is not science. It is manual, it is based on statistics, not actual proof neither truth.
Statistics are prone to errors (statistical errors such as Simpson paradox), statistics can easily be interpreted in wrong way, intentionally or unintentionally.
What we now know is that there is ableism - neurotypical brain - which is nothing else but conformism and groupthink, herd mentality. Such as North Korea or Russia mentality - where anything different from the "norm" or "majority" is perceives as "disorder" and sickness and abnormality.
This is extremely damaging to people who actually seek help by psychology - I am talking about traumatized individuals.
Then DSM and CBT are doing incredible psychological damage due to process called Hyper-cognition.
This means quickly giving labels onto phenomena reported by traumatized person - which leads to misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis.
For example,
social anxiety is part of Complex Trauma - which CBT blocks and bans due to pharma mafia. CBT explains away social anxiety as laziness and weakness - and this way CBT is instructing socially anxious to develop personality disorder: since it equates emotions with self worth.
CBT is doing this same pattern for any other "disorder".
If we are not serial killers, if we have no internal hidden agenda to harm and cause pain to other people - there is no disorder.
Traumatized person needs to be listened and validated, not given drugs to shut them up, traumatized person needs to talk and to express themselves. CBT is tool of censorship and suppressing "undesirable" emotions - which leads to mental illness.
CBT is a form of narcissistic abuse - where the target is brainwashed and gaslighted for manipulation and control - in order to serve the ideology of "norms".
Instead of ableist CBT there is Humanistic therapy as functional alternative.
--
(30-6-2023)
"if we’re coming from the spirit of compassion and loving kindness "
Real life is not as simple as that.
When we come with compassion - we end up being people pleasers and pushovers in the twist of events.
People whom we need to limit are toxic - they are pathological liars for starters. They present false information which we cannot confirm nor prove wrong. This gives them freedom to hurt, harm us, and control and manipulate us.
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"Saying no is a boundary and doesn’t make an individual toxic."
Of course it does not make the person toxic.
However in real life - it puts this person into toxic ambient.
Person may get fired from the job - then being homeless and beaten up in the streets, dying from starvation and environmental exposure.
In toxic ambient, person may end up as femicide statistic.
In bullying - person may end up physically attacked.
In any toxic ambient - person may end up being seriously hurt, damaged, openly or covertly, through backstabbing even.
This process/phenomena I am talking about here is called "Unfavorable Power Dynamics" and HealthyGamer made video about it a few months back. The basic message in the video is - that in certain situation we are in no position to say No - and forcing ourselves to say no will bring us damage and harm. This needs to be said and validated.
In abnormal toxic ambient - healthy decisions and healthy actions will bring harm and pain and danger.
Scapegoats in dysfunctional families for example.
Political prisoners like Mandela.
Opposition in Russia or North Korea.
Ableism on one side and neurodivergent brains on the other side-.
That is the point of my comment.
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" if you cant talk to them how do you do it then"
You are stuck in External Referencing Locus of control mentality.
You see people as gods, some superior beings whom you must serve and obey and give offerings.
External referencing is by-product of borderline disorder, trauma as trauma bonding and codependency due to trauma.
When we have Intrinsic locus of control,
we make our own initiatives, we take charge of what we want to do in life - and then people come naturally to us - without us forcing any talking. We already talk in the beginning about our interests and goals in life - and that is the basis of talking which is now by product of our own goals, common sense, intuition and superEgo.
Then talking is no longer artificial and you do not see other people as gods and something you must worship and depend on. Your focus is no longer on gathering likes and superficial friendships - but like and friendships come naturally - without your control and manipulation and agenda behind it to hook and catch people as if you are a predator.
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" so searching for a community that would accept you is still not an unreasonable conclusion."
You are talking all the time about concept called External Referencing locus of control.
You put other people as a reference point about yourself and your worth.
You think that other people will have some homogenous decision and opinion about you - so they are the ones who will label your actions as either codependent (when we try to fix other people as you explained in comment) or they will label us as someone with attachment disorder (also explained in your comment as being too autonomous).
Intrinsic locus of control is not about controlling other people. It is also not about being isolated as North Korea and pretending that other people do not exist.
Intrinsic locus of control is our ability to connect with common sense, superEgo, our education and experience to bring the best decisions collected from various resources - so that we are not easily manipulated and controlled by predators and or coercive control such as gaslighting.
Intrinsic locus of control means - relying on our own needs, wants, goals in life - and achieving those in cooperation with other people who are aligned with our values in life, too. Interdependence.
I would encourage you to study more about intrinsic locus of control and Attachment disorders.
I made videos about it in my psychology playlists.
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1.7.2023
YT "PHYSICIST Explains WHY Being Different Is A Good Thing🙇♂️ ( via @joerogan ) #shorts #joerogan
"
If Nikola Tesla stayed in Yugoslavia - he would be mocked for his OCD for life, living as a priest in some small village, and we would invent electricity, radio, wi-fi etc 200 years from now.
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YT "Do You Gaslight Yourself?"
The belief that we develop being "stronger" version that is taking care of "issues" which are "better" than us as abused children is also gaslighting.
We were not weak for being abused. It has nothing to do with our weakness.
When we fawn - it is not weakness, it is survival mechanism. If we believe that there is a separate version of ourselves in trauma years and whenever we choose defense mechanisms which are shameful like people pleasing or inability to say no and feeling panic - we will create self hatred - and we will repeat the abuse from ACoA.
We need to realize that we are the same person who was abused all the time - that there is nothing inherently wrong with us for being abused. WE did not cause the abuse with our "weakness". We did not make evil people to be evil and to choose their own deliberate evil actions.
When we experience abuse - we will be taught to believe that there is something horribly wrong with us for being who we are with emotions and feelings and feeling scared and weak and panicked.
So healing means - accepting and validating ourselves as we are. This would mean not labeling ourselves as weak or abnormal or something that is awkward, shamed and sick about us when we reacted in fear and operand conditioning due to ACoA.
Any rituals and any techniques to handle and manage trauma and fears and panic and dysregulation is self abuse - because we make ourselves to believe we are abnormal and sick and unacceptable for experiencing the abuse.
All defense mechanisms - even though they are dysfunctional for someone who is white heterosexual male with privilege and entitlement born with silver spoon in their mouth - or kids with blue eyes in Jane Eliotts Excercise from 1968 - will be dysfunctional to them. However for someone who goes under narcissistic abuse - anything our brain is doing to survive is okay, there is really no abnormality.
As long as we are no serial killers, as long as we do not have hidden agenda to harm and cause hurt and pain to other people - there is nothing abnormal in our brain and our mechanisms and our trials and in our mistakes and learning errors along the way.
This is extremely hard to grasp to anyone - including people who have no idea what is toxic shame and those who struggle with toxic shame - that we accept and validate ourselves as long as we are human and humane and civilized to others, HSP empaths.
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30.12.2023
I tried CBT for 20 years. I followed self help industry "advice" too, which explaines away social anxiety as weakness in ego, and that we need to be disciplined and punished for having bad thoughts and ashamed for feeling fears and panic and then hide it away, deny it and suppress it.
I ended up with severe people pleasing and fawning - without knowing this is fawning at all. I was brainwashed with CBT to believe my brain is abnormal and sick for being abused and that toxic people do not exist - that it is all a figment of my imagination.
Then narcissists and psychopaths had free reign over me, abusing me as they like and I stayed stuck in toxic ambient silent and obedient to monsters and predators.
CBT ought to be banned.
